#I can’t help because I’m emotionally distraught but at least we can all cry together

[leonsliga]

Bayernblr therapy session anyone? I’ve got the goods:

[lightlavenders]

Time for my Entrapdak rant (a.k.a. why Hordak was better for her than literally anyone else, a.k.a. I’m not bias I swear)

as I read through Entrapta/Hordak/princess gang discourse on this site I started to realise the reason why I loved Entrapdak so much in the first place, and I will now talk about that here (some of these points are stolen from better posts). ALSO no matter how much I shit on other characters just know this isn’t an attack of any of them. This is gonna be VERY ENTRAPTA FOCUSED.

OK SO we get introduced to Entrapta pretty early in season 1 and we get to learn a lot about her. It also quickly becomes clear that she’s neurodivergent - something confirmed to be intentional by many of the creators. Entrapta has a passion for technology, science and inventing, and (same as the previous princesses) the best friend squad decide they need her in the alliance so she can build them weapons (whICH SHE NEVER ACTUALLY DOES i think BUT THATS NOT THE POINT). 

Throughout the episode though, the squad (mostly Glimmer bc she’s the one who gets to closely interact with Entrapta the most... Adora being completely out of it and Bow with the kitchen staff) seems to slowly run out of patience for her - Glimmer very obviously puts up a front of tolerance despite her frustration. This is unlike the other episodes, where all the princesses get along in the end and become best friends oh boy! So... we have our only neurodivergent character so far who isn’t really welcomed into the group the same way as the others... and her autistic behaviour is only tolerated because they need her... okay, maybe that’ll change later.

Or not? When Entrapta joins the others on the quest to save Glimmer, she is constantly infantilised by the others and not taken seriously. She runs off to study Horde tech and actually helps rescue Sea Hawk, two very helpful things, but Perfuma talks down to her like a child and PUTS HER ON A LEASH? SHE’S 30!!! SHE WAS TRYING TO HELP! And no one tells Sea Hawk off for getting lost and alerting Scorpia to their presence, which wasn’t helpful at all. Then later, Mermista says she’ll keep an eye on her “in case she decides to befriend any more robots” like okay... she isn’t a child, and she didn’t run off because she wanted to play with robots or something?

Okay, so, Entrapta is left behind, which I won’t blame them for because it definitely looked like she died (they get over it pretty quickly but I digress), and she comes across Catra. Okay! Here’s a chance for Entrapta to make a true friend, right? Or not, because Entrapta and Catra’s friendship is built entirely on manipulation. At least Scorpia was sincere. 

Here Entrapta is again, in a position where she’s being used for her skills and in a we’re-sort-of-friends-but-I-only-tolerate-you-because-you’re-useful situation, with Scorpia probably being her only true friend at the moment. She starts helping out the horde, because they actually let her do what she wants and at the very least don’t treat her like a child. Then, she stumbles into Hordak’s lab.

I’m gonna say this now because I’ll get murdered if I don’t - Hordak is a bad guy. He does bad guy stuff. But so does Entrapta sometimes (I’ll talk about that later) so good morals don’t need to play into their relationship I think. It’s about how they treat each other.

At first, Hordak is very defensive and angry towards Entrapta, as he would be to anyone coming in to his lab without permission and discovering his secret portal project. But then she fixes said portal and he immediately sees her as an intellectual equal. Again, Entrapta has had to prove herself to someone by making herself useful, but it actually goes further. ALSO can I say how Hordak is the ONLY person who interacts directly with Entrapta who doesn’t treat her like a child or emotionally manipulate her, with the exception of Wrong Hordak, Emily, and Imp of all characters... Even Scorpia is guilty of this later.

So, Entrapta and Hordak start working together, and Entrapta is obviously very excited to have someone treat her as an equal (they’re lab partners!!). On top of that, Hordak is also happy to have someone he can actually trust. Catra and Scorpia at separate times both remark on how Entrapta spends all of her time with him now, and who can fucking blame her when he’s the only one that has literally spent all this time growing close to her and understanding her as a person, not just using her, not just tolerating her, not talking down to her constantly. Hordak opens up his trauma to Entrapta and she responds by opening up a bit in return, literally saying that she doesn’t fit in and that Catra doesn’t even talk to her anymore. They are obviously comfortable around each other, and if Hordak was manipulating her, then why was he so distraught when she was taken away? Why did he CRY??? Why did he consider giving up on his life’s purpose and abandoning what is essentially his god for her???

Anyway, stuff happens, and Entrapta shows that she isn’t the irresponsible child everyone thinks she is by agreeing to shut off the portal. But of course, Catra betrays her and sends her away. To die. How nice. Catra tells Hordak that Entrapta betrayed him, and instead of flipping out and turning all Hal Stewart incel “if I can’t have you no one can” he just gets sad... and then later all he really wants is to see her again, even if it is on the battlefield. I’m not sure what he would’ve done so we can’t say for sure, but I seriously doubt he wanted to hurt her.

sidenote - I’m not gonna blame Scorpia for letting Catra doing this, Scorpia had her own shit going on and was essentially trapped in an abusive relationship and she also later makes up for letting Entrapta down by getting her rescued

SO then the best friend squad go to save her from Beast Island, and she’s literally completely given up. Gee, I wonder why. Could it be because it seems like every friend she’s ever had has abandoned her, scolded her, or outright zapped her unconscious and sent her to die in a monster filled island? But the squad save her and affirm to her that they didn’t give up on her and that they’re still her friends. Actions speak louder than words, guys, but okay, cool! To Bow and Adora’s credit, they were the least patronising and mean out of anyone... so, that’s something. Anyway! Affirmations! Some respect from her friends! I hope this lasts... 

It didn’t! Season 5, Entrapta goes along with the others to help find out where Glimmer is. Here is where I quickly have to say something - Entrapta does indeed make some ‘evil’ and stupid decisions sometimes - hacking the black garnet, building robots that attack her old friends, walking out absentmindedly in front of a robot and compromising her team. Some of these things can be explained by her neurodivergence, but do not always justify it. That being said. Entrapta is not evil, she is not stupid, and her “weirdness” does not give her friends the excuse to treat her like a child. 

Here’s where it gets bad!! Perfuma puts Entrapta on a leash AGAIN!!!!!! WHAT? Writers? Wyd?? Not only this, but the others talk about her behind her back, and then scold her without any consideration for how she, as a neurodivergent person, was interpreting the situation. They could’ve explained their feelings to her in a calm way, instead of shunning her and expecting her to pick up on their cues, then exploding at her when they didn’t. THEN THEY CALL HER A BAD FRIEND.... and I feel hypocrisy in this chili’s tonight... and then Scorpia... doesn’t say anything? Girl help. Ik we can’t totally blame her since she was new to the squad and probably didn’t wanna get kicked out or yelled at like with Catra, but please... that is your friend...say something. also why did mermista need to pull her hair and then later say “you’re still a weirdo” like what. why do people ship them? because mermista cried when entrapta ‘died’? Okay??

I think Entrapta actually goes through some character development after this which is pretty cool - she outwardly expresses her concern for Glimmer, which is affirming to her friends the squad, and later at the end of the series, intentionally keeps herself focused during the most high stakes moment instead of running off. I’m not qualified to talk about if these traits, which could be considered traits of autistic people, deserve to be treated as flaws to be fixed, that’s a whole other bag of worms, but yay character development.

Finally, at the end, Hordak properly reunites with Entrapta and he decides to rebel against his creator and his purpose to save her life, showing that Entrapta, and their connection, is his priority now. And once Adora saves Hordak from Prime (thanks Adora), the two finally reunite in a spinning hug - that is literally the most physical contact either of them have had with anyone, how could anyone not believe in their connection and mutual trust???

Mermista gives us one last jab, an understandable one considering Hordak was conquering their planet for years on end, but still - “so, are we all just like, okay with this?” yes girl, we are. He’s literally the only one who ever treated her with real respect and love, the only one who ever prioritised her.

I know some people are gonna be like “just ship her with wrong Hordak” and if you really like that... go ahead I guess? But do we need to force a clone who just got control of his own mind into a relationship, or a girl who is very much in love with someone else into a relationship with one of her friends? You can do what you want though, it’s literally fine, I’m the one who just spent over 1500 words talking about why a 30 year old science woman should go out with an alien warlord.

In conclusion - Hordak and Entrapta deserve each other, because Entrapta deserves someone who treats her right, and I love her.

[s1ut4harrypotter]

savior complex

George Weasley x Fem!reader

this is based on savior complex by phoebe bridgers, my favorite song. it’s not my best work or anything but i sorta liked writing it. I haven’t been able to figure out endings on any of my wip’s so i might put a bunch of stuff out this week but idk. yet another without a happy ending because as usual i’m a piece of shit.

Warnings: sad, angst, mentions of canon character death, not proofread. If there’s anything wrong with it let me know lolz

word count: 2.5k

lyrics in italics/bold

tags: @amourtentiaa

Emotional affair, overly sincere

It’s been almost a year and a half since Fred died. George seems to be getting better, but also more distant. He is happy and joking around again, but he has been going to see Angelina more often. You and George had been dating since your 6th year at Hogwarts, you were going to be together forever. But now, as the days go by, he is getting farther and farther away from you. 

Smoking in the car, windows up. Crocodile tears

You were there for George, through everything. You didn’t shy away from any of it, the nightmares, the rage, the sadness, you were there. You helped him, he had started smoking, you’d find him in his dad's old Ford Anglia, smoking a cigarette, sobbing. you got in, rolled up the windows, took the cigarette, and took him on a drive.

Run the tap til its clear

 We pulled up to a small cliff we used to hang out at during the summer and held him while he cried. We had talked for the whole night, we only left when the sun started to come up. 

Drift off on the floor

You tried to keep him involved with the rest of the world, so you started having monthly movie nights with the rest of his siblings. One night a month, everyone would go to one person’s flat and watch a movie or two. One month, it was your turn to have everyone at your flat, the two of you lived alone in the flat now, since Fred was gone. George hadn’t been sleeping well and ended up falling asleep halfway through the movie. Once everyone was gone, you cleaned up and decided not to wake him. 

I drag you to the shore

Just as you were about to walk into your bedroom, you heard him. George had been having nightmares since Fred died. Some nights you’d make him a potion for dreamless sleep, but tonight the two of you forgot. You sighed and walked back to the living room,

You’re gonna drown in your sleep, for sure

“Georgie” you whispered. “Georgie it’s me, y/n you gotta wake up darling.” he was sweating buckets and breathing heavily. You gently coaxed him awake and walked him back to your bedroom, he started to cry. “I’m so sorry darling” you cooed, as you stroked his hair, trying to get him to fall back asleep.

Wake up and start a big fire, in our one room apartment

He wouldn’t stop crying now, he was hiccuping and mumbling incoherent things into your chest. You were so tired, you were the only one with a job at this point, not that minded, you had just had a long day and needed to go to sleep. 

But i’m too tired, to have a pissing contest.

“George, darling, you need to breathe, take deep breaths, you’re going to throw up if you don’t calm down Georgie.” he had a bad habit of crying until he threw up, then passing out and falling asleep. 

“He’s gone. It’s my fault. I should’ve been there. It should’ve been me.” He hiccupped out, crying harder now. You were on the verge of tears too, you hated how sad he was. 

“No George. You can’t think like that, it wasn’t your fault. Fred wouldn’t want you to feel this way.” you spoke softly into his ear. 

“Don’t tell me what he would’ve wanted y/n” he suddenly got serious. “You didn’t know him like I did.”

“Of course I didn’t know him like you did George, but I like to think that I knew him pretty well, and I don’t think he was the kind of person to want you wallowing in your bed, wishing it had been you instead of him.”

“God y/n can you just go? Please? I want to be alone tonight.” he said, you scoffed. He couldn’t be serious, but you were tired and you didn’t want to upset him more. You slept on the couch that night.

All the bad dreams that you hide.

You were grieving too, you had met Fred first at Hogwarts, then he introduced you to George. You felt like you had been really good friends with Fred, so it really hurt when George said things like that, but you knew he didn’t really mean it. Sometimes he just said things like that when he was upset, you understood, he was hurting. Sometimes he wouldn’t tell you about his dreams, he would just change the subject whenever you asked, you had dreams about Fred’s death sometimes too. You were with him and Percy when it happened, you’d constantly beat yourself up for it, all the things you could have done differently to save George from this pain, but what’s done is done. 

Show me yours and i’ll show you mine

You wished that George would tell you what was going on with him. He had been going through different stages over the past year, at first he didn’t talk at all. You’d walk by his room at night and he’d be mumbling things to himself, never anything you could make out. Then he started telling you how he was feeling, anything and everything that he felt, he’d tell you. You liked it then, even if he was sad and there wasn’t much you could do about it, at least you could be sad together. Now he didn’t tell you anything, he just brushed you off.

Call me when you land, i’ll drive around again.

You loved him so much, there wasn’t much he could do that you wouldn’t take. You were willing to wait for him to get better. You knew he was hurting, you knew it would take time for him to get back to the ‘old George’, if there was even any of him left. You’d never say it out loud, but you knew everyone else was thinking it. When Fred died, he took a big piece of George with him. It brought you so much heartache that he was in pain. You wished you could just bring Fred back, then maybe you could get your George back. But you were willing to wait.

One hand on the wheel, one in your mouth. Turn me on, and turn me down.

You and him hadn’t been intimate in months, you knew George was hurt, and he would only ever think about it on his good days, which were now few and far between. But it was ok, you were willing to wait for him. You loved him. 

Baby you’re a vampire, you want blood and I promised. I’m a bad liar.

Lately you felt as though you never saw the happy side of George. He’d go out during the day, to meet friends from school he said. He’d never say who it was if you asked, but you figured it was just Lee Jordan or someone else he had been close friends with. He was physically and emotionally exhausted when he got home. It was like he used up any energy he had to be happy wherever he was during the day, then when he got home, you were left to pick up the pieces when he shattered.

With a savior complex

You were beginning to get burned out. You had finally gotten some time for yourself to meet up with some friends, and they suggested you break up with George. You simply couldn’t do that. It may be slightly exhausting to keep up with him, but you knew the old George was still in there. They kept telling you it seemed like you had a savior complex, and that George was a lost cause. Deep down, you knew you were probably the only one still holding on to the relationship, but you still loved him so much. You wouldn’t know what to do without him, even if you knew it was practically already over.

George had been getting further and further away, figuratively and literally. He was almost never home, and when he was, he was back to barely talking, occasionally giving you one or two word answers. You’d ask him how his day was and he’d reply with just “good” not even bothering to ask about your day. 

You were fed up with how things were, you wanted to know if at least he was back to his joking self around his friends. You knew it was wrong, but you followed him one day. Turns out he had just been going to the Leaky Cauldron, at first you were worried he just spent the day drinking. But, you waited a few minutes and went in, only to see him kiss Angelina Johnson on the cheek. 

Ok, maybe they were just catching up, they were good friends at school, you knew that. But the longer you watched, the more you realized you weren’t watching two friends catching up. You were watching your boyfriend, the man you had spent the last 5 years of your life with, with another girl. Deep down, you knew your relationship was over, it had been for months, you were just dragging it out because you didn’t want it to end yet. But you didn’t want it to end like this. 

You wanted to scream, cry, hit him, do something. You had thrown away the last year of your life, devoting yourself to helping George feel better. You spent long nights rubbing his back, whispering comforting things in his ears as he cried into your chest. YOU did that, not her. How could he do this to you? After everything you’ve been through together, everything you had done for him. He threw it all away. 

You were distraught. You were thinking irrationally, sending yourself into a spiral. You called in sick for work and walked back to your flat in a daze. You needed to think about this. For a few minutes, you contemplated obliviating yourself, maybe if you just forgot you saw it, went about your relationship as it was before this morning, it’d be ok. But you knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. So you did the only other thing you thought you could do, you conjured some boxes and started packing. 

You spent the day packing every last trace of your belongings, you called one of your friends and told her something happened with George. You didn’t give her any specifics because the optimistic, or stupid, side of you was holding on to hope that you were overreacting, maybe you saw wrong. Maybe, this was a big huge misunderstanding and you could unpack your stuff with George when he got home and live happily ever after. But you knew that wasn’t the case, so you told her you’d tell her when you got there. You finished packing the last of your stuff a few minutes before George got home, it was later than usual. You didn’t want to face him, you thought about leaving him a letter, telling him you saw what he did and not to contact you ever again. But you needed to hear it from him.

He walked in and saw the boxes, confused he walked into the living room and saw you sitting on the couch, just staring off into the distance. 

“Y/n darling? Are you alright.” he asked, confused.

“No Georgie, but I will be.” you whispered back, sadly.

“What’s with all the boxes? What happened?” he asked again. It was like you were a ghost, or someone else. You were there but not really, he could see you’d been crying. 

“What did I do wrong Georgie? What could I have done differently?” you asked, you could feel the tears starting again.

“Darling I don’t know what you’re talking about, did something happen at work?” he said, he was worried maybe you got fired.

You scoffed. “No George, nothing happened at work. I have been so worried about you lately, you seemed to be getting worse and worse. Coming home from god knows where, in a mess of tears. Just coming home for me to clean up, then going out again the next day.”

When he didn’t reply you continued, “I have spent the last 5 years of my life with you George. Completely devoted to you, through everything I supported you.” you laughed bitterly, “I spent all day packing today, trying desperately to figure out where I went wrong. What I did to you, what I could’ve done differently, to make you love me enough. But it wasn’t me was it?” 

“What are you talking about dear? Why were you packing.” he replied.

“God George you’re just not seeing it are you?” You looked at him, bewildered. “I saw you. You and Angelina.”

“Oh” he whispered.

“OH! THATS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY GEORGE? OH?” You shouted, he could feel himself starting to cry now too. 

“I have spent so much of my time cleaning up after you, taking care of you, loving you. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid. I should’ve known. When you started going out more, I told myself, maybe you were just out with friends, when you came home after a long day with Angelina, using up any happiness that you did have with her, who was there to pick up the pieces? ME!” you yelled. 

“I just can't do it anymore George. We’ve been over for a long time, and I need to let you go now.” you trailed off, the last part coming out in a mix between a whimper and a whisper.

“No, darling please let's talk about this!” he begged.

“What is there to talk about George? I saw you, with my own two eyes.” you replied.

“Please baby it was a mistake. I love you so much, please please don’t leave me.” he was begging you, he needed you.

“I can’t George. I’ve spent so much time caring for you, I need time to care for me. I need to get better too. I just can’t do this anymore, there won’t be anything left of me if I keep giving it all to you.”

He broke down next to you, crying. You stood up, ready to disapparate with your things, but he ran up to you and hugged you.

“Please don’t leave me y/n. I’m so sorry! It was a mistake I love you so much.”

“You need to let me go Georgie, I'm sorry. I need to go.” you whispered, calmly removing his arms from their tight hold around your waist.

You whispered a quiet, final goodbye, before disapparating from his flat and to your friends home, you both needed to move on.

[himbo-buckley]

Intimacy, Sex and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics)

I should preface this by saying this meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something?

This Meta will so far have three parts, one for each season and is organised by episode so you could technically follow along

Without further ado I present: Intimacy, Sex and the Buddie of it all, Season 1: (Better known as “Not a Sex Addict”)

Episode 1.01:

Buck, we meet first in the pilot and one of the first things we learn about him? That boy fucks! Like literally his second scene is him having sex in the firetruck, which in the episode is presented to us as his way of dealing with the stress of firefighting (it cuts from Bobby’s confession scene saying some firefighters are sex addicts to Buck racing the Brunette). Then later in this episode, between saving a baby, getting in a fight with Athena and not knowing who Rambo is, he fucks the snake horder and get’s himself fired for his trouble. He also tells Bobby he is a sex addict here.

Now you could easily read both those scenes as proving Buck’s statement or you can read it as him justifying his actions, which I think is what Bobby did, or you can fall in love with the cocky bastard and think there is more to it, which is obviously what I did. And also what I think this show wants you to do? Because in the same scene Buck gives the first of his many heartbreaking speeches about having nothing else besides being a firefighter and how that is the best part of him (or whatever, I’m combining the speeches, I didn’t rewatch that scene because it gives me too much second hand embaressment)

And let’s look at this statement and what we know about Buck by fast forwarding a bit, okay? Because we know virtually nothing about who Buck was prior to the Pilot. We know he spent a summer in South America as a bartender, we know he tried out for the Seals about a year ago and we know he’s been a firefighter for 3 months (meaning the first season is his probationary time the same way Season 2 is Eddie’s), so depending on how long firefighter training takes he probably has lived in LA for less than a year, meaning he probably hasn’t made too many meaningful connections yet and the 118 are really the closest thing to family he has there (a fact that if you fast forward again is sort of proven in canon if - if we take every word as being word of god - by Maddie saying „If our parents call“ in 2.01, implying Buck is probably not close to them) (he also tells Maddie „It was getting pretty lonely here“ in 2.01, so you know, point proven?)

Now I don’t think Buck is a sex addict after all. Yes, he is using sex to unwind (and good for him, at least he isn’t drinking or taking drugs, Bobby), but he is also using it to substitute actual intimacy, because that boy is fucking lonely.

Just look at the scene with the brunette, alright? After the act he asks her: „So can I have your actual number?“ and she says no, and he does this whole macho spiel about „the golden times“ or whatever, but come on, we know this is bull, right? Look at how earnest he looks when he asks! (and here I have to applaud 911 again, because the show only has one young conventionally attractive character at this point and instead of his character just being badass ladies man, but he is held accountable for his actions and the show went out of its way to point out how problematic his behaviour was, so kudos! I love you!)

Episode 1.02:

In this episode Buck loses two people and is understandably distraught. And Bobby comes to him in the locker room, to, as Buck thinks, express his disappointment, which is what Buck thinks he deserves, except Bobby is in full Dad-mode and just wants Buck to talk about it. Which Buck does almost imediately leading to us learning about the Seals and that our Buck has so many emotions and knows it and likes it (again, shoutout to the writers for having their young attractive Macho-dude cry in episode two! Ya’ll the real ones).

Now Bobby clearly didn’t see this coming and is like „Uhm, how about we talk to a professional about all that, I have my own shit, kiddo“ and then we get our first therapist scenes and look, while I do see where people are coming from, I do not consider this rape. I do however think it was a badly thought through scene and also an abuse of power and Autumn Reeser should not be allowed to work as a therapist again. The way this scene is shot and cut however makes it seem like Buck came onto her and did not regret what happened, so you know as the german saying goes: where there is no complaint there is no judge. (which does not mean I condone what happened, but, tbh, this is one of those scene where I feel the writers just did not think the implications through. Someone with a twitter go ask Tim Minear about it)

Anyways, let’s talk about everything before the sex because I think this is what’s relevant:

The scene begins with the therapist asking Buck if he is uncomfortable, he seems that way (and kudos to Oliver Stark for the way he acts this scene because we can truly feel everything Buck feels) and Buck saying his „I’m not really into feelings. I mean yeah feeling them, just not talking about them.“ after which the therapist throws some things at Buck to see what sticks (which is something therapists sometimes do in early sessions, just try to gauge a reaction, see where the no no - zones are, especially with people like Buck who are quote „not scared“. Like, he is so walled up already.)

And now comes the part that I’ll give you word for word, because this is what matters in this scene, okay?

T: „You lost somebody, that’s hard“

B: „Yeah but we lose people. At least that’s what everybody keeps telling me.“

T: „Was this your first time?“

B: „Well, I’ve had calls where it’s been to late but I’ve only been doing this not even 6 months. Now I just can’t shake the feeling that this one didn’t need to go down the way it did.“ (up until the second part Buck sits tall, then he leans forward, his voice becomes urgent, THIS is the important message)

T: “So do you think there is something you could have done differently?“

(close up to Bucks face looking distraught, ding ding, we have a winner!)

After this they cut away to Athena and when we come back Buck is crying and the therapist tries to explain why the guy might have died and then walks toward Buck and tells him how they’re actually here to talk about him and then Buck deflects, he tells her to call him Buck, they talk about facebook, scene change, they come back after Sex, Buck is all better. 

(Slightly unrelated sidenote at this point we have seen Buck have sex 3 times and every single time it’s sitting on some chair with the girl on top, uhm, what’s up with that? (He’s a bottom))

But I truly think the important part is what I’ve highlighted, this is where she hit a nerve and sure, he let her finish and listened and cried, but Buck’s a multitasker, he was just waiting for his opening - which the therapist gave to him by sitting down across from him and touching him, so now Buck turns the tables on her and makes her uncomfortable - or: she struck a nerve and he deflects, so instead of the emotional vulnerability she wants from him, he gives her physical intimacy, probably aware that this way he will not have to come see her again (because isn’t that what all women do? Hi, Brunette from Episode 1). 

And then the episode ends on the very relevant conversation were Abby asks him out and Buck says no because HE REALISED HE HAS SOME ISSUES WITH WOMEN AND INTIMACY!!! I love this show so much, you guys! Buck tells Abby he can’t go out with her because they’ll definitly have sex and he tells her about the therapist and Abby is all you wish and he tells her how much he likes her and how he has no one else in his life that make him feel good and it’s all cute and dorky and yes, sometimes I do find myself shipping them. A little.

Episode 1.03 has nothing of relevance as far as I recall so we ignore it.

Episode 1.04:

... also not that relevant except that little scene at the end that I thought was in Episode 5 titled: The moment I fell in love with this show! When Bobby says „help“ it gets me every time! I keep expecting him to not answer but he asks for help and I gasp. Every. Damn. Time.

Episode 1.05 

... is when it get’s really interesting because this is when the Sex addict meets the women he has been emotionally intimate, which is, you know, the thing he’s sensitive about!

I really like how Buck is all in Protector-Mode and seems so competent up until when they’re in the car together and Abby starts to talk about them (him) not having wanted to meet and it hit’s him that uuups, this is the actual woman he has been talking to! A human being (and not just some voice on the phone he talks to) and an attractive one as it is (and boy do I love how dressed down Connie Brighton is most of the time? Look, she’s pretty and she’s not 25 and she looks it and that’s okay!) so again Buck deflects by making the whole exchange about Sex - you know, physical intimacy because he is scared of emotional intimacy. Which is what I have been trying to prove here.

Then they save that little girl and have the very sweet moment in the car were Buck is very vulnerable, though I think it’s mostly for Abby’s benefit? Because Buck is in protector mode and there is nothing Buck wouldn’t do to help someone else, even flay himself open. He’s just selfless like that.

And then they find Patricia and bring her home and he is very uncomfortable and then he says goodbye all sweet and Patricia tells him to be kind to Abby and Buck is already in so deep, so really someone should have taken the time to tell Abby to be kind and nice to this boy (if Buck gets another love interest I want someone to give them the shovel talk, mainly Hen or Eddie, possibly together, because this boy gives away too much of himself and it hurts me), but alas no one did, so Buck tries to protect himself by, you guessed it, talking about sex! 

It really is a defense mechanism for him, which might prove that he came from a conservative background or might just not mean anything, besides that he is very comfortable with Sex and other people are not which is why he uses it to deflect. People generally don’t try to look to deep if you make them uncomfortable, which is generally Buck’s way of dealing with problems: he either pushes back and steamrolls over it or is it too loud and open about something, which keeps people from looking to deep (Season 3 is proof of that, the only person who sees through his act, I think, is Hen because she also uses false bravedo to deal with things. Eddie sees it too, but only after Buck explains it to him, because Eddie operates completely different - but that’s something I’ll talk more about later)

And then all of Bucks fears of people not liking him after seeing what’s underneath are proven right when, after spending a whole day with him, Abby tells him they shouldn’t see each other again because she too likes him and if they continue mistakes will be made (which is just her respecting Bucks wishes from 1.02 but also proves to Buck that no one can like him on a deeper level). She gives this very sweet speech about how good he makes her feel but if you look at Buck’s face it’s just sooo closed off. And then she does this very mean thing with the „do not fuck some tinder-girl“, which i find very hypocrit of her, because she basically told Buck she won’t give him more than what they currently have but also he’s not allowed to look somewhere else for it (although she is very right, Buck needs to learn to find validation in himself and not through other people, which is something he sorta did in Season 3? More on this later)

Which is why we get the phone sex scene at the end. Because at this point Buck has been emotionally intimate with this women and then he met her and he kept being emotionally intimate with him and she basically rejected him so Buck made it about physical intimacy. He rejected her back. Found a loophole. Pushed back.

And I know I’m ignoring the scene in between when he is all proud about not having sex with Abby, but yeah, he would have had if Abby let him so it doesn’t really count.

Side note: this whole Episode proves that Buck is not a sex addict - if he were we would have seen him maybe try and convince Abby or seen a scene of him struggeling with whether he should pick up another girl or something, but they didn’t. Nope, they gave up „Buck with Hen and Bobby - bonding time“.

Episode 1.06:

I dislike this one a lot because it calls the episode before a liar by having Abby go on a date with Buck, after saying they shouldn’t meet each other again. I actually checked IMDB to see if there was a christmas break between those episodes, but nope, they aired a week apart! (Also how everyone pushes Buck into doing Valentine’s day even though he doesn’t like it? Yeah, not on board.)

But you know what’s relevant af about this Episode? The scene between Bobby and Buck where Dad helps his son get ready. I truly think this scene, combined with his firing in 1.01 is what caused the shift into Buck 2.0.

Also canon yet again tells us that Buck is not in fact a sex addict but rather using sex to avoid real intimacy and then they have this bantery conversation about not being a dick by having sex on the first date and being a gentleman and I love how Peter and Oliver play off of each other here. This scene is so much fun to watch because they clearly had so much fun acting it.

We can basically jump over the rest of the episode, but I do want you to look at the scene between Bobby and Abby in the hospital for a moment because I 100% thought they were setting up a love triangle here? (Again, someone with Twitter ask Tim Minear)

Episode 1.07:

The actual time jump according to IMDB happens between those episodes (someone who watched Season 1 live please confirm) although in the story there isn’t - they just decided to air the Valentine’s episode in November and then come back in February to talk about the full moon - apparently.

Aside from that Buck is such an adorable dork in this episode which i truly think is why half this fandom is in love with him and some more scenes with Peter and Oliver that are just plain fun happen (and I love season 3 but I miss how much fun they got to have in Season 1). Also our first real bi!Buck sighting and the implication that Buck went from delivering Babys to delivering a tapeworm, only to go: I’m gonna have sex with my girlfriend now! And I honestly love him for that.

Other than that, not much to prove or disprove this meta except Buck being hesitant to go on another date and trying to explain away why he came to see Abby but her just cutting right through his bullshit.

Episode 1.08: not relevant

Episode 1.09:

Our second instance of Buck nearly dying. Buck’s „I don’t suppose you do a lot of pull ups“ kills me every time and Hen freaks out about it a little and he just loves it off. He is a true badass.

Also there is the Ballon scene which makes me mad, because Buck has every right to be upset about everything, even if none of it is Abby’s fault. I’m really up in the air about how I feel about the Bobby and Buck talk in the locker room because on the one hand side I do agree with everything Captain Dad says and I think this scene also is part of creating Buck 2.0 but on the other hand side he is kind of invalidating Buck’s feelings?

Anyways, Bobby tells him, that if Buck really likes Abby he needs to stop trying to feel like she needs saving and let her set the pace. I’m not saying it’s why Buck waited around so long for her in Season 2 but I do think Bobby basically telling him this is what a real man would do - the thing Buck wants so badly to be - plays a role. It’s too bad that while Buck is all in, Abby is not.

I’m also gonna put my clown shoes on real quick and say we get a nearly identical scene in 2.10, when Buck talks to Chimney about Eddie and Shannon. Make of that what you want.

Episode 1.10:

Buck identifies with the guy using him to cat fish girls because he understands his need for connection and intimacy. After all he did the same thing, just a different method.

Also Abby leaves.

There’s not more to say

So this is where Season 1 ends, with Buck aware that he was trying to substitute physical for emotional intimacy and trying to correct it and build a life with Abby - which did not work because Abby left.

But I just wanna mention real quick how much character development Buck has in such a short amount of time! It floors me every time. And while we all know he attributes this to Abby, it’s really just about Buck being Buck and he was already on his way to becoming this guy, simply because through his job and the firefam suddenly he got validation? I feel so proud. I really only wish Buck would finally come to this realisation himself or maybe someone would tell him this. He deserves it.

[chilly-me-softly]

Continuing the blame one where a few months later after the miscarriage you fall pregnant again but you and Ben are both really anxious about it and are constantly worrying, please x

Part 1 -  Part 2

You can't lie, the situation hasn't been easy and it still isn't easy for either of you. There were days when you couldn't tear yourselves away from each other, days when it was difficult to share the same spaces, good days for you or good days for him. The only thing you fought for was to stay together and you were living the days one by one, analyzing every feeling you could have to move on. No one blamed you if you weren't sociable at times, but you were still making an effort to be among people anyway.

There had been kisses between you but nothing more. Ben would have wanted to get closer to you sexually too but every time something came up, you backed out. You still didn't feel it, you still hadn't completely forgiven your body for not protecting your baby and you were having trouble letting Ben fill it with attention.

But one night you felt the need, the desire had come back overwhelming and Ben had always been so nice asking you if you really wanted it, if you were sure, if you changed your mind. He didn't want to push you to do anything you didn't want, he would wait until you were sure if you were happy by his side.

Feeling your bodies together after so long had been exactly like doing it for the first time, and in a way it was. The insecurity, the excitement, the kissing, the worry, it was all there to surround you. And you loved each other that night, you cried and let your emotions run free because you had made it, you pampered yourself, you found the feeling of your naked bodies against each other and there was no better feeling.

The toughest day had been what you thought would be the date of the birth. When you woke up that day, you knew it would be a bad day. Your mind had immediately flown to what that day would be like, with you in the hospital scared but ready and Ben holding your hand and giving you strength; everyone waiting for updates to welcome that little creature into the family; the emotion of seeing if the image you had created in your head corresponded to the baby in your arms.

Ben had surprised you that day though. Instead of ignoring it but continuing to brood over it each one on your own, he had organized a nice day for the two of you to be together and talk about it and make the most of that day, traveling with your imagination but remaining with your feet on the ground. Nostalgic but in a positive way, aware that you couldn't have had that version of life but that it wouldn't do any good to cry about it.

"Would you have liked to know the gender?" you ask in bed that very night while you're in Ben's arms and neither of you wants to sleep.

"I don't know actually" he murmurs as he passes two fingers distractedly on your arm.

"Sometimes I'm thankful I didn't know. I mean, if we'd picked a name it would have been a lot harder to let go you know"

"Yeah I know, hearing that name in the distance and the mind flying at that moment"

"Right"

A few weeks later and you feel like you're back months earlier, when you come out of the bathroom with a distraught expression and you call Ben, who immediately rushes in worried.

"What's wrong? What's happening?"

"Ben... I'm pregnant" tears start streaming down your cheeks and you cling to Ben's body as if your life depended on it. You can't tell if they're tears of joy, fear, rejection. All you know is that you're afraid and you don't want to let your mind register too much information to protect you.

The doctor confirms the pregnancy, glad you've managed to move on and gives you the same advice as last time. You and Ben are visibly nervous and he advises you to take it easy, he knows it's easier said than done and he's willing to do anything for you.

You haven't told anyone yet even though the doctor has given you the go-ahead, your belly is still well hidden with Ben's hoodies and it will stay that way until you have at least overcome the critical period. The emotions of having a baby come back overwhelming and you don't want to go through all the stages of the last time so you are more cautious and less hasty.

"Ben, something's wrong" you get alarmed by touching your stomach while you're both on the couch watching TV.

"What are you feeling?" he asks immediately getting up from the couch and helping you do the same.

"I don't know, a pang. Please don't" you murmur as Ben sits you down in the lobby to help you put your shoes on and run to the hospital as fast as he can.

"Please don't, not again" the only things you can think and say by covering your belly with your hands while tears come down your cheeks.

Explaining everything to the doctor on duty and she will reassure you that everything is normal, that she doesn't see anything strange on the ultrasound.

"How many weeks, you say?"

"Around 18th"

"Oh then it's probably just a kick" you and Ben look at each other surprised at the same time.

"A kick?"

"Yeah, what were you doing when it happened?"

"We were on the couch and I was talking and-" Ben stops when the grip on his hand gets stronger.

"Keep talking" tears form in your eyes as you feel another pang and you take Ben's hand there and he opens his mouth wide when he can feel it, it's light but it slams against his hand and it's a unique emotion.

"Do you know the gender yet?"

"No, we have a check-up next week"

"You wanna know?" you look Ben immediately, that would complicate things neither of you have allowed yourself to get attached to the idea of this baby yet. But you felt it kicking tonight, it's more than real now so accept it.

"Congratulations, you're about to have a beautiful daddy's girl" and this time neither of you can contain the emotion, a little girl. You can't stop crying while kissing, a huge smile on your face while the doctor leaves you alone to pull yourselves together.

After that scare that turned out to be one of the best nights of your life, it seems the time has come to announce it to your families. You organize a dinner with the excuse of being all together and when you go to open the door, your mothers almost faint at seeing that belly.

Tears and more tears are part of that early evening, no one can believe it but they are all so proud of you. The idea of having a granddaughter fascinates everyone, your mothers agree to go shopping and you manage not to get involved by a miracle.

You have not yet decorated the room or set up the crib or prepared the bag for the hospital or chosen a name, Ben finds it very difficult to leave you when he has commitments with the team out of town or international duty. You have already come further than the other pregnancy and maybe goggle hasn't helped, but you won't believe you have that baby until you have her in your arms.

But then it's his teammates who fix up the room for you, a sort of gift for the baby from her uncles. It takes four people to set up that crib and you admit you're a little afraid to let your baby sleep in there, but you'll be eternally grateful to everyone for all that. The room is full of puppets and the team logo all over the place - covers, onesies, puppets, socks, they robbed the store before they showed up at your house.

The last few months fly by and it feels like deja vu when you wake Ben up in the middle of the night when a different kind of pain goes through your stomach. But this time you're at term and the baby wants to come out.

"We did it my love, you were great" Ben kisses your sweaty forehead while you smile tired and see out of the corner of your eye the nurse approaching with the baby.

"We did it, Ben. Gosh she's perfect, I can believe it. We have a baby" you put your finger gently on her cheek emotionally, finally admiring her in all her beauty.

"Welcome among us, Sara Angel Chilwell"

[beautcous]

Let’s Get Away || Meera & Leela

Leela had taken the day off from work for some personal errands that needed to be done. She also may or may not be trying to avoid Zach due to various things that happened and others that didn't happen in his office the day before. Since that day in his office, Leela found herself rattled entirely, and since then all she could think about was showing up at his place and finishing what they started. However, it also left her confused, she believed Zach wasn't attracted to her but seeing as he nearly did fuck her, was she wrong then? Did he want her? She was startled out of her thoughts when the door bell rang, which she answered within a second and found a very distraught looking Meera. Growing concerned when she saw her tears, Leela gently moved her inside and hugged her, before leading her to the couch "Meera, are you okay? What happened?"

Meera knew that she shouldn’t have walked away from Max. She was upset however and after everything that had happened, she just needed to see someone that she knew would always be on her side. Max was out of the question, especially after she told him that everything was his fault. That wasn’t fair. She didn’t mean to hurt him by saying those things, but considering everything, she lost her cool and the words came out before she could stop herself. Despite how upset she was she still sent Max a message, informing him that she would be at Leela’s because no matter what, she knew that he would worry about her. When she got to Leela’s, tears were trickling down her cheeks and once she was inside, she hugged her cousin before going on to explain. “I’m pregnant and my dad wants me to stop seeing Max, and I told Max that everything was his fault.” She wasn’t making sense, but she didn’t care. Meera was too upset to care about anything at this moment.

The moment she saw Meera in distress, all her other thoughts were pushed aside and she quickly tugged her inside. Her worries growing as more tears fell from Meera's cheeks, and Leela hugged her wondering what in the world had her cousin crying so much. As she led her cousin inside and gently sat her down, Leela took her hands and covered them with her own, using one hand to wipe her tears. When Meera spoke everything at once, Leela was left stunning but angered at her father. "Shh, first of all, your dad can't make you do anything. If you let me, I'll give you dad a piece of my mind." She paused, "what happened with Max, Meera, what was his fault? Did he hurt you?"

Meera was inconsolable at this point. She didn’t know what she was going to do. Now that she was pregnant and in love with her soulmate, it wasn’t like she could just walk away from him. The least she could do was tell Max that she was carrying his child. She might not have planned on having a baby, but there was no way in hell that she would abort her pregnancy. It was a part of her and she could only hope that Max wouldn’t freak out at the prospect of being a father. “I wish it was that simple. He won’t listen to me. You telling him off won’t make things better.” She said with a frown, “Nothing. I told him that everything is his fault because I was hurt that Harper was having lunch with him again. I just wanted him to comfort me, but she’s always there. He’d never hurt me.”

It was shocking to see Meera so distraught over Max, the pair were so in love and she'd seen how Max looked at her cousin - like she was his entire world so to see her like this was extremely concerning. Still, if Max did something to hurt Meera this way, Leela wasn't about to let it slide. Ad for her father, god, she truly despised Meera's parents never had she seen such selfish people. "I'm sorry, you're right, it won't. Meera, your pregnant, do you not want the baby?" Things clicked when she mentioned Harper, "it's understandable, your frustration between your father and then this pregnancy but I can is Harper does come by but I can reassure you there's no funny business between them. You need to talk to Max, but if your not ready to then let's get out of here for the weekend. Just us two, you need to unwind and get your thoughts together. I know this perfect Spa place in Vegas. No buts, you need to get away for a little while." She cupped Meera's chin, "how does that sound?"

While Meera couldn’t stop the tears from falling down her cheeks, she was still listening to Leela. Her heart ached simply thinking about what her father expected of her. She’d done everything in her power to make her parents happy. There had never been a time where she would defy them, but this, this she could not bear. She would never leave her soulmate, but with the complication of a baby on the way, she wasn’t sure if Max would want to stay with her anymore. No, it was unfair of her to think that way. Her Max was a good man, he would not push her aside nor would he expect her to abort their unborn child. “I do. I want this baby. He or she is created out of love, I refuse to have an abortion.” Guilt encompassed her being once she spoke about Harper. The two had never done anything shady and she was being emotional for no reason. “I’ll go.” She nodded, “I really need to get away.”

Leela hated to see her cousin this way, since her arrival in Stonehill, she'd always seen Meera smiling and radiantly happy and now she was fully in tears. She wanted to ease her troubles and though she couldn't fully do that for her cousin, Leela at the very least could be there for her by her side. She was still a bit confused about this entire Harper thing, but Meera clarified she didn't think Max was cheating, so what exactly happened. Leela would guess the pregnancy wasn't helping her much emotionally and until Meera spoke to her soulmate she'd remain this upset. "Good, because I'm going to spoil your baby rotten, and thought I don't really know Max, I'm sure he'll be happy of this news, Meera." When Meera agreed to get away, Leela wiped her tears away gently, "yes you do, and you'll feel alot better after. Shall we?” Leela packed her bags and they made a pit stop at Meera's place to grab her things before they hit the road.

Meera might be upset over her confrontation with her dad, but she couldn’t be happier to hear the things that her cousin was telling her. At least she had one family member that would stand by her, even if her parents wouldn’t be. At this point, she needed everyone she loved have her back since she knew that she was going to lose her parents support when she chose Max over them. “My baby is going to be loved the both of us.” She placed a hand on her belly and smiled albeit watery as Leela wiped her tears away. “I hope I will. I hate feeling like this,” like her heart was shattered. Perhaps their time at the spa would help to soothe her worries. “Let’s go.” She agreed before they were leaving and making their way to Las Vegas after stopping by her place to grab herself an overnight bag.

Leela hoped that her cousin will put herself first, think about her happiness rather than trying to please her parents. Now that she was pregnant, what did her father expect her to do? Marry another man, over Leela's dead body. Still, she was happy for her cousin and a bit excited to be an aunt, and she knew Max would be equally delighted knowing he'd be a father. One thing Leela knew without a doubt was that the man loved her cousin, he'd stand by her no matter what. "Yes, he or she will, although I hope you have a cute little girl so I can put her pretty dresses." She said with a small smile as she wiped away Meera's tears and was rewarded with a smile. Once they picked up Meera's overnight bag, the two made the hour long journey to Vegas where Leela checked them in a relaxing spa, where Leela suggested they went first unwind at a suana while she diverted Meera's mind for a while. Leela used this chance to clear her own mind since what transpired between her and Zach.

COMPLETED

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

Into the Dark (4/?)

A/N: More Angst ahead. No smut or implied smut really. Character Deaths mentioned for the sake of length they’re not described. This chapter is long as hell. Sorry. 

“You’re pregnant,” Thor says, early one morning. He’s blinking at you in surprise. Almost as if he didn’t expect it. You feel your heart drop to somewhere around your feet. It doesn’t take much to avoid looking at him. He never expects you to look at him. He doesn’t expect you to flinch away from him when he reaches for your hand. His own hand drops and he nods to himself. You never really want him to touch you if you can avoid it. But some of the hardness in his face softens as he looks at you now.

“Go see mother,” he says quietly. An order. You swallow back telling him to go fuck himself. Your last hope was to be barren and then maybe you could end this farce. But scarcely a month into marriage and a handful of couplings later, clearly that is not the case. “I will,” you say flatly. You want to ask him if he’s off to see Sif this morning but you already know. They may be forbidden from being alone together but that doesn’t mean they avoid each other. You stand up from the table and start to leave but Thor catches your hand making you freeze.

You’re so touch starved you don’t care who’s touching you. You just need someone to hold you and tell you it’ll be okay. “Yes, husband?” you ask your voice still toneless in your shock. He wants to tell you he’s pleased with you but instead, he drops your hand. “Nothing,” he says turning back to his breakfast. Your face tells him you feel nothing about this news. He can count on one hand the number of times you’ve even spoken more than a few words to him since the wedding. He’d thought that preferable. But in bed, as he looks at your back, as you move as far from him as you can after he’s found release, he can count your ribs. He looks down at the plate you left behind, where there’s hardly anything eaten and glances back up to see you already gone. Away from him to find whatever comfort you can.

Guilt gnaws at him again and he hates you for it. He wants you to be mean. He wants you to be angry. He doesn’t want you to make sure that the breakfast table has his favorite things on it. That his armor is polished to a mirror finish, that everything in your shared chamber is arranged to his liking. You’re the mother of his child now, he tells himself, he needs to be a better husband. And he means to. He doesn’t know anything about you because he never bothered to ask. But he goes in search of a peace offering. Something that might at least remind you that this is his child too.

Alone, far from everyone as you can get, you cry. You’d give anything to be at home with someone who’d dry your tears and hand you a cup of tea. It’s Frigga who finds you. She’d been searching for you, needing to show you something about her healing wing. You try and stop crying, still considering anyone on Asgard to be “public” instead of family. She pulls you into her arms gently and holds you. She doesn’t know what her son had done to you to make you this distraught but she intended to have words with him. She was over his stolen moments with Sif as if he were a schoolboy instead of a man with a wife. “I’m sorry,” you say quickly, wiping your face with your sleeve and trying to adjust yourself clumsily. “What happened, darling?” she asks gently. You smile a little. You can’t bring yourself to tell her you’re with child. You simply can’t. Besides. Thor didn’t order you to tell her. He only ordered you to see her. And you had.

“Nothing,” you say, “Really, a misunderstanding I am sure.” It’s not a lie. Nothing had happened that you considered important so the rules that disallowed you lying didn’t make you choke. She doesn’t believe you, you know but she doesn’t press. You follow her to the healing wing and learn what she has to show you, grateful for the distraction for a little while but your trembling hands and pale skin have Frigga putting you on a table to examine you just as Thor comes crashing through the door.

She frowns at him, stopping him dead as she runs practiced hands over your body. You’re more emotionally distressed than she realized. She can feel how thin you are and now that she’s examining you she can feel the new life starting to grow inside you. The dull hollow feeling in your chest makes her eyes sting. There is nothing you’ve felt that isn’t exposed to her and she kisses your forehead gently. You’ve been in misery. She knows that’s not a natural state for you. Your natural state is joy. You were made to walk in the sunshine. Hopeful optimism and kindness are the traits she wanted you for. But now? You’re hollow and wrung out. The few times you are content you’ve bespelled yourself just to make it through the day. She keeps a hand on your cheek, gently rubbing your cheekbone as she whispers instructions to one of her ladies to escort you back to your bedchamber and let you lie down.

You go, a Lady in waiting to support you, holding your arm. You don’t even look at Thor. You don’t bother. It’s not as if anything that happens to you actually matters. Once you've been helped into night clothes and put to bed, Thor dismisses the ladies and brings you the goblet his mother handed him. Her warnings and her scolding still ringing in his ears. He’s not to so much as look at Sif again or she’ll have her banished. He’s to be a model husband and treat you with dignity. If he does all of that she’ll consider letting him live to see his next birthday. “Mother bids you drink this,” he said. He didn’t know what it was but he assumed it was for the baby. “She said it would help you feel better,” he said shrugging when you look at him in askance. You take it wordlessly and take a cautious sip before crinkling your nose slightly. Thor sits awkwardly on the edge of the bed and you scoot away from him slightly. The silence stretches on. Thor seems to prefer when you don’t speak in his presence so you restrict your remarks to short replies out of habit. “How do you like Asgard?” he asks after a moment. “It’s fine, the architecture is beautiful.” The only thing you can say that isn’t a lie. Thor glances at you, all these wonders and all you care about is buildings? “How are you feeling? Mother said you were unwell,” he tries again. “I’ll be fine, your highness,” you say, “I think I am only overtired.” You feel exhausted so it isn’t a lie. Thor doesn’t miss that you use his title or call him husband when you address him at all. He hates it and he’s pretty sure that’s why you do it. He’s right. “Conversations are easier to have when everyone contributes,” he huffs out, frustrated that you don’t seem to care if he’s speaking to you or not.

“Conversations are easier to have when you want to have them,” you reply, “Please, husband. It’s bad enough that I’m married to someone who is at best apathetic towards me. Don’t make me make small talk with you too.” Thor winces at that. You’re not wrong. His feelings towards you do tend towards apathetic these days. “Mother said you were lonely,” he said, “She said that was bad for the baby. That your emotions are making you sick.” You snort, “And forced small talk is the way to fix that, hm?” you ask bitterly. How fucking dare he force this on you? How dare he even pretend? After all the times he’s come home lips kiss swollen and reeking of Sif’s perfume. After all the times he’s barked at you as if you were an unruly soldier and not his wife. He reaches for your hand and you pull it away, “Don’t. touch. me.” you say warningly. You are tired and sad and all you want is sleep. Sleep is the only respite you get. Anger flashes in Thor’s face and you meet his eyes for the first time in days. When he sees that there is nothing there. Nothing. You face is blank as if you have nothing left to feel but pain, he moves away from you. “Fine,” he bites out. He leaves you then and you hurl the goblet and it’s contents at the wall as the door slams shut.

2024

“Where is my wife?” Thor asks Brunhilde as she orders herself another drink. The Valkyrie shrugs, “She left here about 10 minutes ago. Got on her motorcycle and just fucked off... She does that.” Thor pinched the bridge of his nose, “Where did she go?” Brunhilde shrugs again, “Probably the woods somewhere. I know she has a garden someplace where she grows the healing herbs we use. Loki probably knows where it is.” Thor nods and trudges off to find Loki. The trickster is similarly tight-lipped about where you’ve gone, “Thor, she doesn’t want to see you,” he said, “After so many years, I don’t blame her.” The blonde winces, “I want to make things right with her,” he said. Loki barked a laugh, “That implies you had a relationship with her before,” he said, “You never wanted her. You wanted Sif. And then Jane, but nowhere in any of that did you want your wife. She spent years hoping you’d come to at least value her... Mother. It broke Mother’s heart. And it was only that girl, the one you refused to pay attention to that kept us from war with the fey. If she had ever told them anything, they would have been honor bound to storm the palace and bring her home.”

Loki thrusts a small stack of leather-bound journals into Thor’s hands, “If you ever tell her I gave you these, I’ll deny it... She told me to burn them but I thought that if she were to ever kill herself, you should know what your part in it was.” Thor takes them carefully as if they might bite. Loki considered you a friend. One of his only friends and he didn’t take your mistreatment lightly. Not even coming from Thor whom he also loved. As Thor ambles away, Loki prays to the gods that this might just give you some peace. That it might help Thor foster an understanding of you. He also prays that if you ever find out he disobeyed your request that you wouldn’t be angry long.

Thor takes the journals back to his tower, ignoring Korg as he calls out to Thor to play more Fortnite. They are bound together with a piece of leather cord. About 8 or 10 slim volumes. Easily concealed in your jewelry box or any other small crevice in your room where you could secret them away. He’d seen you writing in books like this before. He assumed it was just a way for you to record your days. But they feel heavy. They hold the weight of sleepless nights and countless disappointments. The weight of a rebellion. The pressure of being where no one wanted you. They smell of pain and fear and hopelessness. He holds them for a long time. He knows this is intensely private. You’d asked Loki to burn them so no one else might ever see what you’d had to say. Carefully, with a prayer for forgiveness, he opens the first volume. 

Earlier

You stand in the crowd. Watching Thor be named Odin’s heir. At 20 weeks pregnant you’re starting to show and nothing you can do makes you happy about that fact. You’re too tired to keep yourself bespelled and have to force yourself into a calm smiling composure. You feel Sif glaring at you but you ignore her. The Warriors three are watching Thor. Sif is watching you, her stare would burn your skin from your bones if she had her way. Since Thor is forbidden to even speak with her, his ardor for her has seemingly cooled. And recently he’s been at the very least, less curt. It isn't loving but at least with his hatred of you turned down to a simmer in front of the court, some of the whisperings have stopped. It’s small relief and you welcome it with the growing amount of stress the pregnancy puts on your body. 

The aftermath of the Frost Giant attack and Thor’s banishment leaves you again in Limbo. Though strangely, you don’t care that he’s gone. Loki promises you quietly that he won’t let you be hurt. That you’re safe with him on the throne. You apply yourself to supporting Frigga and tune out all the other court intrigues. The Queen is terrified for her husband who may never wake up. You hold her hand and do whatever she asks without question. 

Heimdall visits you often. He tells you Thor is safe. He tells you of things in Faery. Things that often don’t get put in letters. Little cousins losing teeth, jousts, and picnics. Things you miss so much your heart aches. Heimdall does not approve of the way Thor treats you but a prince will do as a prince will do. Heimdall is bound to protect the Bifrost and obey orders. He was ordered not to allow you to return home unaccompanied. He was not ordered not to tell you of home. Heimdall does not tell you of Jane. You do not ask. 

When Thor returns, a triumphant hero and Loki is gone, your heart shatters again. Loki was your friend. Your only friend in this place. His loss is one thing too many. The stress and strain cause you to lose the child. Frigga stays near you, holding your hand and directing the healers as they hurry to save your life. You’re in pain, half in and out of fever dreams crying for your mother, your cousins, your music tutor, any familiar anchor to this life. Never Thor. You don’t ask for him once. The small part of your brain that is still lucid tells you that even if you did call, he wouldn’t come. 

Thor sits with the warriors three, drinking. He misses Jane. His child is dead, and for all he knows you still might die. Loki is gone. Nothing is right. 

When Frigga is finally sure that you’re not going to die on her healing table, she has you put into a comfortable bed to rest and goes in search of her son. “Thor,” she says, standing in the door way, beckoning to him. He stands, staggering slightly, “Is she dead?” he asks hazily. Frigga itched to slap him, “No, thank the gods, she is not. She is alive. We only lost the child.” Thor nods, “What was it?” he asks, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “A girl,” Frigga answers softly. She hadn’t wanted to tell you when you asked. She didn’t want to cause you further distress but your pleading had torn her heart in two. Thor eases himself into a chair with a groan and Frigga puts a hand on his shoulder, “Y/N is asleep now. Resting. It will take her body some time to heal.” Thor nods, “Will she see me?” he asked. He felt responsible for your current state. His actions had lead to the stress that caused your pain. Frigga shook her head, “She won’t see anyone right now. I think Loki is the only one she’d admit to her room and he isn’t here.” Thor nods and sighs, “Perhaps... perhaps in a few days. When the pain isn’t so new,” Frigga says bracingly. She wants to be more sympathetic and she wants to punch him in the mouth. A mother always loves her children. That doesn’t mean she likes them.

Thor tries to be admitted to your room every day. Every day one of your ladies politely sends him away. For four days. He comes each day to talk to you. On the 5th day, when they let him inside the room, guilt gnaws at him. You’re still too thin and too pale. You look ill and tired. You look sad and scared. Then he reaches for your hand, you don’t pull away you let him hold it. Your skin is cold.

He doesn’t say anything. Not a word. Until the silence makes him uncomfortable. “We can try again,” he says.

You look up at him slowly, pulling your hand away from his like he shocked you. “Get out,” you say quietly. He starts to stammer out an apology but the tears are flowing and you’re louder, screaming at him, “Get out, get the fuck out!” The god scrambles backward. For all the times you’ve just taken his insults with a blank stare, he didn’t even know you could scream. He didn’t know you even had the lung capacity to do it. You sound like a banshee. Your sudden rage shakes him to his core and he just barely managed to get out of the way as you hurl a stone vase at the wall where he stands. It shatters on the floor and he ducks out the door. Your screams and heartbroken sobs still echoing in his ears. Frigga half shoves him out of the way and gathers you into her arms, rocking you gently. A week of silence and trying to accept things undone in a matter of a few moments. She says a prayer for patience and kisses your head, “Sweetheart,” she soothes, “It’s alright. Whatever he said, it’s okay. It’ll all be okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was the shock of everything.”

“I want to go home,” you say softly, “Please just let me go home.” Frigga gently settles you back in bed, pushing a potion to your lips to help you sleep, “As soon as I can sweetheart. We’ll send you for a visit.” She knows. She knows you mean forever. But that cannot be. Marriage vows are forever. And vows cannot simply be broken.

When Thor returns to Midgard, he will not take you. He forbids you to go. Leaves you on Asgard saying that it isn’t safe. He really doesn’t want you to see Loki this way. You’ve reached a fragile peace. Thor lets you do whatever you please, you don’t ask him about Jane. He dotes on you in front of his mother. He does not come to your bed at night. 

When he leads Loki back in chains, you and Frigga both plead with Odin to spare him. Odin listens only because he cannot bear to see either of you cry. 

When he returns to Midgard again, he doesn’t take you with him. Instead, he braves bringing back Jane. She’s in danger and he cannot just let her die. “Husband,” you say, aloof politeness in your voice, “Who is your friend?” You know who it is. You aren’t stupid. Thor can’t look at you and leads Jane away. Loki sees the tear tracks on your cheeks when you bring him books and smiles sadly, “Little sister,” he says gently, “why do you let him do this to you?” You sigh, “Because. I’m a fucking idiot and some small, broken piece of my heart is still waiting for my fairy tale. I didn’t choose him but he’s my only chance.”

Loki wants to reach out and wipe your tear away. Instead, he tries to make you laugh, anything to quell the pain for a moment. He does. You laugh. It’s a rare sound these days but it reminds him of the comfort he felt in your mother’s court. Reminds him of the Fairy Princess who rode horseback with no saddle and wove spells that gave him chills to watch the artistry. His friend. The only person who had never commented on how cold his skin felt to the touch. The one person who liked him because of who he was, not just that he was a princeling. 

With Frigga’s death, you push your own pain aside to hold your husband and brother in law together. You pray she taught you enough. That you learned enough. And you try not to blame the Mortal girl who had brought her end. 

The Third time he goes to Midgard, you force him to take you. You tell him that you don’t even want to meet his Earth friends. You just want to go home. You just want to eat food that doesn’t repulse you and hug your mother. Thor has no choice. But when you get there, you don’t get to go Home. Thor needs to be protected. Mostly from himself.

So you stay at his side. You can see the awkward flurry of emotions as he introduces you as his wife. The questions. When they ask what planet you’re from, it is immensely satisfying to say “Connecticut” and watch it process through. When you pick up a sword and dress for a fight, Thor looks at you side ways, “I didn’t know you knew how to fight,” he says quietly. Not without Tony hearing. You shrug, “You never asked. I am a princess of Faery. I was taught to protect my house.”

“Nice one, Pointbreak,” Tony said, slapping his shoulder, “How long have you been married? Two minutes?” Thor has the grace to look embarrassed, “Three years,” he says.

“Very nice,” he said. He was idly admiring your body in your fighting gear. It was not of Asgard. Fitted close. Made for speed and stealth. “She’s gorgeous,” Bruce says, “You’re lucky.” Thor makes a noncommittal noise and folds his arms. He’d learned long ago that he might be the only man in a room that didn’t find you beautiful. But you weren’t unfortunate, he supposed. Tony and Bruce trade looks but say nothing. You talk with Steve and Natasha, getting a feel for them. Barton gives Thor a thumbs up and mimes a soft whistle. Fey have that effect on humans, he supposes. He wonders if you’re aware of it. You don’t seem to be. 

You hold your own in battle. You’re quick and fierce, darting hither and yon with feet so fast that he often only sees the back of you as you rush forward. He vaguely recognizes that you probably could, in fact, kill him if you wanted to. And he’s impressed. After the battle he goes to pull you to him and you freeze, “Please don’t touch me,” you say quietly. You want to imagine that this might be love. But it’s only the heat of battle and you’re the closest available woman. You can’t. You just can’t deal with him rutting away on top of you pretending you’re anyone else. 

When you return to Asgard, Thor is slightly kinder. He bothers to offer you his arm and ask you how your day is. It softens you towards him a little. You go back to trying to be a good wife. Doing little things he doesn’t notice to ease his way. 

It’s all fine. Until Ragnarok. Until Thor and Loki are both gone doing gods only know what. Until you start the rebellion. Until you lead the people. 

But after Thanos. You’re back to square one. Thor hates you. He hates everything about you. And you have no choice. As he slides into the dark. Into a depressive spiral, you lead. You and Brunhilde and Loki. You run New Asgard and they carry out your wishes. You integrate the Asgardians with Midgard. You set up schools and healers and libraries. You make them a comfortable place to be in the world. They love you for it. The whispers stop. You are Queen. You are her Majesty. Aided and abetted by Loki deferring to you and no one else. Not even Thor who in his drunken state cannot even rule a teapot.

Thor roars at you. He orders you from his tower and you tell him to sit the fuck down and eat the meal you brought. You clean as best you can. You’re a solid, stable presence, even though he doesn’t want you. Even though he leaves you cold and lonely. When the Avengers show up, you bring them to him. Quietly watching. Not drawing attention to yourself. He scurries off when the Raccoon mentions beer. Banner looks at you with pity on his face and you shrug. You stopped feeling long before now. A decade of his apathy has worn you down to numb. 

After the Second snap, you scramble to house the people. Thor is the hero while you struggle to manage the influx. 11 years. Married 11 years with no children. Married 11 years and for most of that, your husband has loved someone else. All you know is work. All you know is that you are Queen and Queens suffer silently. 

2024

Thor sits on his bed in the tower. Surrounded by pages of your private writings. His heart is broken. He wants to find you and kiss you and tell you that he’s sorry. He knows it isn’t enough. He found suicide notes you started so many times in the depths of your pain. He saw the notes from the rebellion. The entries after you lost the child. Your agony at not being anything he wanted. 

He thinks of how long it’s been since he’s seen you. Since he’s been close enough to touch you. You’re still young and fresh, forever 22. But your hands are work calloused and your eyes are older. He thinks of the sound of your laugh and how he hated it. How he misses it now when he can’t hear you playing with the Asgardian children in the street. He wipes tears away and gathers up the pages carefully. He doesn’t deserve you. He never did. 

But his parents were right. He had needed you. More than you will ever need him. The times when you needed him are passed, he knows and he wasn’t there to catch you. He hides the journals away and watches out the kitchen window. There’s a pack of Children marching, laughing down the street. 

The Children. He smacks his forehead gently. If you were anything like his mother, the Children of Asgard would always know how to find you. They were always the best way to find Frigga in a hurry. 

Thor pulls on his jacket and simply follows them. Sure enough, they lead him straight to you. You’re sitting on some cliffs, idly scribbling in a notebook and munching on your lunch. It was supposed to be a break from it all but when the Children find you, giggling and running at you, you laugh. “Oh no, I’ve been found,” you say, picking them up to cuddle the little ones, “Wherever will I eat my lunch now.” They want a story and they’ll not be dissuaded. So you tell them. You spin out a tale easily and send them all away chattering and acting things out. Thor keeps his distance. You’re happy. And you’re not bespelled. He honestly can’t remember the last time he saw that.

When the last of the children have scampered out of earshot, he approaches. “Y/N,” he says softly. You don’t turn to look at him, “Your majesty,” you reply, “How can I help you?” He winces at the formal tone of your voice. “I need to speak with you,” he said. You check your watch, “It will have to wait. I have a budget meeting in a few minutes.” You pack your lunch away uneaten and stand, going to walk past him. He catches your wrist and squeezes gently, “Please,” he said. There’s a tricky little maneuver and your wrist is easily out of his grasp as you walk forward. “Do you hate me then?” he asks after you. 

You turn slightly to look at him, “No, husband. That would require me to feel anything for you at all.” You walk away from him, headed back towards the town. Leaving him on the windswept cliffs alone. 

Tags:

@lancsnerd @innerpaperexpertcloud @stevieang@peachykeen3502 @vxidnik, @past-perfect-future-tense, @trumpettay, @buckysblondie,

[spine-buster]

Alone, Together | Chapter 12 | Morgan Rielly

A/N: I have been loving all the asks about the canon.  Keep them coming.  Hopefully this chapter mends some of your broken hearts, even just a bit.

Morgan called Angie and Mason first.  He knew he had to for how close they were with Briony.  Angie didn’t recognize his voice at first.  She gave him shit for calling so early despite her having to be up for work.  He explained what had happened.  She asked for directions to his apartment, said she would call in sick, and that she would be right over.  

Then he called John Tavares.  He didn’t know why, but it was the number he dialled on instinct.  They had become close since his move to Toronto.  Plus he knew how much Briony liked Aryne.  Aryne picked up the phone, surprised that Morgan was calling so early.  When he explained the situation, she said she and John would be right over.

Then he called Jake Gardiner.  He was up feeding Henry, giving Lucy a morning to sleep in.  When Morgan told him what had happened, he said he’d wake up Lucy and they’d be right over.

Then he called Nazem Kadri.  Ashley answered.  Morgan explained.  She said she’d gather some spare clothes and be right over.  

Morgan still felt sick to his stomach.  It wasn’t because any material things of Briony’s were gone – any and all could be replaced easily – and it wasn’t because he barely slept last night, having to comfort her as she continued to cry throughout the night and cling desperately onto him and his body as if he’d float away.  What he felt sick to his stomach about was how Briony must be feeling: violated, distraught, broken.  Nobody should be made to feel that way.  And to think that she felt this way for sixteen years of her life – the sixteen that she spent with her mother – made him absolutely repulsed.  She had created a world for herself, all on her own, where she had felt safe, and now that had been ruined.  It was obvious that if this had happened in the past, she was able to pick herself up and continue on, but after feeling safe for so long – especially having created her own safety – this invasion would sting.  

He wasn’t aware that she had woken up and was vaguely listening to the conversations he was having on the phone.  She drifted in and out of consciousness, but what was undeniable from his whispers was the concern in his voice.  She waited until he was finished with his last phone call until she rolled over slightly and grazed her fingertips up his back.  

At her touch, he jumped slightly and looked behind him.  Her eyes were still puffy and red from the crying she had done, and the general lack of sleep throughout the night.  She still looked beautiful.  “Hey Bumblebee,” he whispered.  

At the sound of her nickname, she completely melted.  “Come here.”

He did as he was told, lying down and curling into her body into his as she attached herself onto him again.  She took in his scent as he ran his fingers through her hair.  “You called everybody?”

He nodded his head, pulling away from her slightly so he could look her in the eye.  “I called Angie, Aryne, Lucy, and Ashley.”

“You shouldn’t have bothered them.”

He furrowed his brows.  “You got everything stolen from you.  Asking friends for help is not bothering them.”

She sighed deeply.  She felt like she was bothering them.  This was her problem, her issue to solve and hers alone.  She didn’t want to drag people into it, especially people who were already busy living their own lives and providing for their own families.  “I think I’m gonna go take a shower,” she said, not wanting to think about it anymore.  

“Okay,” he agreed, figuring he would be the one to greet everyone at the door anyway.  He noticed that neither of them had made any effort to untangle themselves from each other’s bodies.  “It’s gonna be okay, Bumblebee.”

“I love it when you call me that,” she whispered.  

He smiled slightly.  “Be careful what you wish for.  I’ll call you that until the end of time if you let me.”

The small smile that appeared on her face restored his faith a little bit.  She finally pulled away and rolled out of bed, stretching before making her way to the washroom.  He watched her movements until she closed the door, and, figuring he would give her some privacy, went to go use the washroom in the spare bedroom instead.  When he came back into his room to change, the shower was already running.  

His phone began buzzing, meaning someone was trying to get in.  He blindly clicked to let them in, opening his door slightly so they could just come in.  He expected Naz and Ashley to show up first, only because they lived closest to him, so he was shocked when he saw everybody file through the door all at once.  

“Where is she?” Angie demanded.

“She’s taking a shower,” he nodded towards the bedrooms.  “Master is the second door,” he guided her as she marched through his apartment straight to his bedroom.  He noticed everybody else file in; Lucy had Henry in a carrier against her body, and Ashley had a weekend bag with her, presumably filled with clothes.  

“Does she have a change of clothes?”

“She’s got a good winter jacket, right?”

“Her wallet and important stuff is safe and secure, right?”

The girls’ questions bombarded Morgan all at once.  He was unsure which one to address first, and he must have had an overwhelmed look on his face, because there was a moment of silence of the girls waiting for answers where Jake piped up and asked simply, “Is she okay?”

That he could answer.  “She seems to be doing okay,” he said.  “I mean, she’s obviously pretty torn up about it.  She cried most of the night.  But this morning she seemed to be doing better.”  He debated whether or not to share with them what she had told him last night, but he figured it would give them at least some context to understand the situation.  “This isn’t the first time this has happened to her.”

“Not the first time?” Naz asked.

“Childhood stuff,” Morgan clarified briefly.  “She grew up with an alcoholic mother.”  All the girls nodded their heads, but this was the first time the guys had heard anything about it.  “She uh…she moved around a lot.  In and out of homeless shelters for some parts.”

“Geeze,” Naz sighed, shaking his head.  

“I’m going in there,” Aryne resolved, shaking her head and taking off her shoes.  “I don’t care if she’s stark naked.”

“Me too,” Ashley picked up her weekender bag and followed Aryne.

“Take Henry,” Lucy said to Jake, who was already reaching for his son.  He cradled him against his body as Lucy followed the girls to Morgan’s bedroom.

***

When Aryne, Lucy, and Ashley entered Morgan’s bedroom, they were met with Angie and Briony face to face on the bed.  Briony was in a robe, her hair twisted in a towel.  They all went up to her and gave her long, drawn out hugs, asking if she was okay and how she was feeling.  

“It’s nice of you guys to be here, but you don’t have to be,” she said, settling back down onto the bed.  Angie moved to make room for the rest of the women, who chose their own spots around her.  “I mean, you guys are so busy…and pregnant.  Or with a baby.  I shouldn’t even be on your radar.  I’m the least of your worries.”

“Yes we do need to be here,” Ashley said definitively.  “You’re our friend Bee.  What kind of friends would we be if we weren’t here for you?”

Briony shook her head, tears threatening to fall again.  “I’ve just…whenever this has happened in the past, with my mom or whatever, I was never able to rely on the benevolence of others,” she admitted.  “This is all really new to me.  It’s horrible to say, but it is.”

“Well, we’re here for you,” Lucy said.  “And we’re ready to help in whatever way we can.  You name it, we’ll do it.”

“When you lived with your mom you didn’t have anyone else, but now you have us, Bee,” Angie said, the other girls nodding their heads.  “You don’t have to go through this alone.  And there are four big burly hockey players out there willing to help too.”

“I don’t even know where to begin,” Briony admitted.  “They took my laptop, they took my clothes…I’m gonna have to replace those first, I guess.”  She thought about having to dip into the meagre savings she had to recover those items and it made her ill.  “I’m gonna have to find a new place to live.  I don’t know how to proceed.  I just know I don’t want to go back there, ever.  It’s tainted now.”

“That’s understandable,” Lucy commented.

“But I don’t…I don’t know.  The boys are going on a road trip tomorrow and they’re going to be gone for a week, and I don’t want to be alone.”

“Well, that’s easy.  You can stay with me,” Aryne said immediately.  

Tears immediately welled up in Briony’s eyes.  Aryne said it so easily, so simply, like it was an automatic reaction, and Briony couldn’t handle it.  “Aryne, I couldn’t.”

“Of course you could!  I know we’re in High Park but I can drive you to school for classes or exams and pick you up --”

“Aryne, no,” Briony shook her head.  “No, I can’t, I can’t.  I can’t --”

“Briony--”

“Aryne, there’s no way I could put you out like that.  And you’re pregnant.  I--”

There was no way Aryne would take no for an answer.  No way.  She leaned forward placed her hands on Briony’s forearms, and said, “You can stay with me.  I have room for you.”  It was the first time those words were said so definitively, so conclusively to Briony.  She began tearing up and finally nodded her head.  Aryne pulled her in for a long hug.  “I’m sure you will find a place soon, okay?  But while Morgan is out of town you can stay with me.”

“Then I’ll bring you shopping,” Lucy piped up.  “You’re gonna need some nice clothes…casual and professional, since you’re going to be graduating and working at a bank soon.  We’ll start after your class tomorrow, when the boys leave for Minnesota.”  

At this point Briony was too emotionally tortured to say no.  These women were helping her – willingly helping her – was she really going to deny the help?  She’d consider and work out the logistics later.  All she knew was that these women were angels.  Literal angels sent down from heaven to her to help her.  

“C’mon, let’s go and see the boys,” Angie suggested, holding her hand.  “I’m sure they want to see you and make sure you’re okay.”

When they made their way out of the bedroom and into the main living area, Briony received hugs from all the guys.  She could tell they had been talking amongst themselves about the situation from the looks on their faces.  She generally hated the looks of pity she got, and this was no exception.  It would be hard to accept it, she thought.  

She made her way over to Morgan and leaned on the side of the couch with him.  “Thanks for coming.  But like I said to the girls, you don’t need to be here.”

“Uh, yes we do,” Jake said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.  

“We can go back to your place to pick up anything else you might have left behind last night,” John said, his voice ever so serious.  “Morgan mentioned you only brought your books.  Is there anything else you want us to get?”

Briony shook her head.  “There’s nothing else besides old textbooks.  Everything else was stolen or is property of the landlord.”

“Okay, well, we’ll go pick up the textbooks,” Naz concluded.  “You guys can chill out here.  We’ll even bring back some breakfast.”

“You guys don’t need to do that,” she said as an automatic reaction.  She was too emotionally tired to put in more energy into a rejection of help.

“Yes we do,” Jake repeated his earlier sentiment as he got up from his seat on the couch.  “It’s the least we could do, because you’re definitely not going back there.”

***

“Are you guys good?” Ashley asked into her phone as she spoke to Morgan.  She was waiting outside of the dressing room area at the Gap where she had taken Briony first.  “You guys land okay?”

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Morgan said absent-mindedly.  “How’s Briony?”

“We’re in the Gap.  She’s trying on pants right now,” she said, running her thumb over Morgan’s name on the credit card she was holding in her other hand.  He’d given it to her discreetly when she dropped off Naz.  He’d given her the pin number and strict instructions to use it at all times.  Briony, of course, had no idea.  

“Ash…” Morgan started hesitantly.  “Make sure she goes crazy, okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just…you know.  Make sure it’s nice stuff,” he couldn’t find the words.  “Don’t make her get cheap stuff cause she wants to keep everything under one hundred dollars or whatever.”

Ashley couldn’t help but giggle.  A man’s version of ‘go crazy’ and a woman’s version of ‘go crazy’ were two very different things.  “Mo…you gotta give me some parameters.  I can go crazy, but I can go crazy,” she said.  “Like, can I buy her a head-to-toe Gucci outfit?  Yves Saint Laurent?  A Valentino bag?”

“Yes, but she’d never go for all that.  Convince her she should, please.  Then go to Queen Street West or wherever else so she doesn’t feel too bougie.”

At the finish of his sentence, Ashley noticed Aryne and Lucy approaching her, each with at least six or seven hangers of more clothes or jeans to bring to Briony in the dressing room.  “You don’t worry your pretty little head.  I’ve got this,” Ashley said into the phone before hanging up.  

She walked with the girls to see Briony already out of the dressing room, looking at herself in the mirror with a pair of cropped pants on.  When she saw the girls in the reflection, she spun around.  “I don’t think a pair of pants has ever fit me this well,” she admitted.

“Good!” Lucy exclaimed, handing her some pairs of jeans.  “Try those on too.  They’re all size 12 like you asked for.  They’re gonna make your ass look great.”

“Gap jeans are expensive, though…” Briony cautioned, only to herself.  These women in front of her probably thought Gap jeans were cheap.  “I…I couldn’t…”

“Are you going to say no to a pregnant lady?” Ashley asked facetiously.  She then pointed to Aryne’s growing belly.  “To two pregnant ladies?  I don’t think so.”  Lucy shoved the rest of her jean selection towards Briony with a smile on her face.  

That was Ashley’s line for a majority of the day.  ‘Are you going to say no to two pregnant ladies?’  Briony accumulated many bags as the ladies spent their time inside of Yorkdale Shopping Centre.  When it would become too much to carry, they’d just go back to Aryne’s car in the underground parking, unload everything into her trunk, and then start again.  A few hours into shopping, Briony was feeling a bit overwhelmed.  She knew she was building up her wardrobe again, but she couldn’t help but continue to calculate the cost of everything in her head.  She almost felt like the girls were being too generous.  She’d look at the price tags on jeans or tops and get anxiety about it.  When Briony brought up paying them back they wouldn’t hear any of it.  Ashley even said to her, “If I see any money or a cheque in your hand – hell if I even so much as see a nickel – I’m gonna burn it.  Don’t you even think about it.”

They even pulled her into the designer shops – Gucci, Mulberry, Burberry, Chloe, Valentino, Saint Laurent – and put down their credit cards without a second thought.  Even at the Apple Store, where Lucy insisted Bee had to get a new Macbook, she didn’t even think twice when the polite salesperson told her the price of the laptop.  She just nodded her head, asked for the rose gold model, presented him with the card, and it was all done.  Briony was scared that she was going to wake up and it would all be a dream.

As they grabbed some Starbucks and took a break, Briony overheard the girls talking as she approached the table, and she realized they were making more plans for tomorrow and beyond.  ‘We should bring her to Yorkville tomorrow!  The stock is always different in Yorkville.  Angie can come too so it’ll be a great girls day.’  ‘Yeah, of course.  But when is gonna be the relaxation day?  We should book the spa soon.  Manis, pedis, massages, the whole thing.  She deserves it.’  ‘I can call the Four Seasons tomorrow.  Or should we go to Stillwater?’  As Briony set her drink down on the table, she tried to smile.  She still felt overwhelmed by the day, and the fact she was in this situation in the first place.  She needed to remember that despite all the shopping, she currently didn’t have a place to live.  She’d have to call her landlord and break her lease.  God knows how much money he would charge her for that.  

“Are you okay?” Lucy’s voice interrupted her thoughts.  “I know it’s been a long day…”

“Yeah.  Sorry,” Briony shook her head.  She really was grateful for everything that was happening, but so many thoughts occupied her head and she didn’t know how to control them all.  “It’s just…I’m grateful for all of this, I really am.  This entire day has been beyond my wildest dreams.  But…I can’t help but think that I’m shopping, but what I should be doing is finding a place,” she said, shaking her head.  “I have to make sure rent isn’t too expensive, that it’s close to school…”

“Are you going to look for a building now as opposed to a house?” Lucy asked.

“That would be ideal, but I don’t know if I’d be able to afford it,” Briony admitted.  “Units in houses are generally cheaper.  I mean I could downsize.  I don’t need all the space I have now.  I could go smaller…”

“But Mo said you had a bachelor apartment in the house,” Lucy said.

“I did.”

Lucy gave her a look.  “Well, what matters most is safety.  As long as you feel safe…”

“You can start searching for listings on your brand new laptop tonight,” Aryne smiled.  

“Oh my God, wait,” Ashley said loudly, stopping all conversation.  “Oh my God,” she repeated, taking out her phone and dialling a number.  She rose from her seat.  “I’m gonna be right back,” she left the table abruptly.

Aryne giggled.  “What was that about?”

“Who cares,” Lucy rolled her eyes playfully.  “There’s one more place we need to bring you after we finish these drinks.”

“Where?” Briony asked.  Could there be even more stores?

“We’ve got to go to a place where you can…you know, surprise Morgan,” Lucy wiggled her eyebrows, a Cheshire cat grin appearing on her face.  

For a moment, Briony was shocked.  She let out a hearty laugh.  “Oh my God Lucy.”

“What!” she took exception.  There was no reason to be prude.  “I think you’d look great in some black lace, personally.”

“Lucy.”

“And a little red.  Every guy like some red,” Aryne chimed in.

“Not you too!”

“Come on!  Listen, even if you don’t buy it for Morgan, you should buy it for you,” Lucy encouraged.  “Walking around with a set of sexy lingerie on underneath your clothes is so fucking empowering!  It makes you feel like the most confident woman in the room.  Believe me.”  

“Has Morgan ever told you what he likes?” Aryne asked.

“No.  It’s never really come up,” Briony admitted.  It never came up, probably because he understood she was too poor for lingerie.  Whatever bra and underwear she had on seemed to do.  He never had any complaints.  

“Well, we’ll start with black and see what else is there,” Lucy offered.  “Black is the go-to.  When Morgan sees you in it he’ll die.”

“So I’m planning to kill my boyfriend via lingerie,” Briony joked.

“Not kill…just control,” Lucy winked.  “Trust me.  He sees you once in some black lace, you can get him to do whatever you want.”

***

It was during a pit stop at the washroom when Briony got a phone call from Naz.  She was waiting for the girls on a bench outside the washroom, and she wasn’t exactly expecting to hear from him.  She knew he had her number, but wasn’t sure why he would be calling her when they had a game that night.  

“I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier, but I need to talk to you about something.  About where you’re going to live,” Naz said.

Briony’s body stiffened.  “Uh, okay…”

“Listen.  Ash and I have invested in some condos around Toronto.  We have a place in Yorkville, at Bay and St. Mary Street,” he said.  Briony immediately knew that was near St. Michael’s College.  

“Okay…”

“Anyway, it’s a nice place.  It’s got two bedrooms, it’s got floor to ceiling windows…the whole thing.  It’s right on the subway line.  We’ve even furnished it.  Kitchen’s fully stocked.  And the tenants we have in there now are moving out--”

“Nazem, no,” Briony said immediately.  She knew exactly where this was going.

“Listen, the tenants are moving out and it’s gonna be empty.  It would be perfect for you.  Isn’t that near your campus?”

“No no no no,” she kept repeating.

“It’s not near U of T?”

“No – it is – it’s – ugh,” she grimaced, tears threatening to spill from her eyes again.  At this point she was basically a well.  “How much do you usually rent it out for?”

“Well right now the tenants are paying three grand a month,” he said.

Briony shook her head vehemently.  “Naz, I can’t.”

“Bee --”

“Two months in rent alone eats into my savings --”

“Bee, you don’t actually think you’re going to pay rent, do you?”

She couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of his mouth.  “What do you mean ‘you don’t actually think you’re going to pay rent’?  Everybody pays rent, Naz.”

“Not you.  And not while I’m renting it to you.”

“Naz!”

“Get out of here, Briony.”

“Naz, NO.  No,” she kept up the rejection.  “Naz, I couldn’t do that to you and Ashley.”

“Do what?  Live in a safe place and save your money?  Keep a place in good shape instead of us renting to people we don’t know who might trash it?” he asked.

“Did Morgan put you up to this?” she asked, tears already falling down her face.  There was no attempt to hold them back anymore, and really, no reason to.  She was crying in front of everyone these days; she may as well start crying on Morgan’s teammates on the phone and in front of random people in a mall.  “Be honest.  Did Morgan, like, force you to do this?”

“Oh, so now you think I can’t be a nice person.”

“It’s not that at all!” she exclaimed.  “Your wife just dropped like ten grand on clothes for me insisting I get designer stuff and now you’re saying I can live in a place you own for free?  People don’t do shit like this, Naz!  People don’t…people don’t just do this stuff out of the goodness of their hearts!  They do it because they want something in return sometime down the line and I have nothing to offer or pay you back with.  Like I don’t think you understand.  I have absolutely nothing.”

“Girl, you need to stop thinking that Ash and I are gonna expect something from you because we’re helping you,” he responded.  “I know you had a fucked up childhood and I know you weren’t always surrounded with the best people, but you are now.  I’m not saying we’re saints, but we’re decent people.  We look after our friends.  We make sure they’re okay, and they’re safe.”

Briony couldn’t help but keep crying.  There were no words left on her end; she was done battling everybody.  How was she to believe everyone around her now was doing this out of the goodness of their hearts when her whole life previous to this proved people acted otherwise?  “I don’t have the energy to say no anymore,” she mumbled out.

“Then don’t,” Naz said, as if it was so simple.  As if accepting help from people was something she did everyday.  “The tenants are moving out December 6th.  After we get it cleaned, you can move right in.  It can at least be a place to tie you over during your last weeks of school, your exams, and until you get a job and start earning decent money.”

There was no point in saying no anymore, because they would just convince her otherwise.  There was no point in denying all these new faces around her the opportunity to help her get back on her feet.  There was no point in refusing help from people who were so readily able to give it; from people who expected zero in return.

“Okay, fine.  Okay.”

***

Briony tried to recognize herself in the mirror as she waited for Morgan and John to get home.  She was wearing some of her new clothes – a pair of jeans from the Gap that hugged at her curves, a plain t-shirt from Forever 21 that she begged the girls to buy so it would make her feel normal again.  The girls had taken her to the spa at the Four Seasons a few days ago, and she was completely pampered from head to toe the entire day.  She got a haircut – her first in maybe 18 months.  She got her first ever manicure and pedicure and had a blush coloured shellac on her nails.  She got waxed, a facial, a coffee and maple sugar body scrub, and a massage.  She couldn’t believe rich people lived like this.  

She felt like a new woman.  In some ways, she was.  

When she heard quick, heavy footsteps making their way up the stairs, she knew it was Morgan and that the boys were home.  He opened the bedroom door without pretence or warning.  When he saw her standing near the mirror, he closed the door and made his way over to her.  

“Hey baby,” he said, pulling her into a giant hug.  He buried his head into the crook of her neck, taking in her scent that he had become accustomed to so quickly.  His hands moved underneath her t-shirt to touch her skin, and she melted into his touch.  He pulled away slightly to give her a quick kiss.  “I’m so glad I’m back.”

“I missed you,” she admitted out loud, the first time she had done so since he started his hockey schedule.

“I missed you too,” he admitted.  “How was the week?”

Briony shrugged her shoulders.  “It was overwhelming.”

He furrowed his brows.  “Why?”

“A lot of money was spent, and I’m not used to that,” she said.  “I mean…” she motioned to all of the bags taking up a corner of the guest room.  

“You deserve it.  You deserve to have nice things.”

“Do I?”

Morgan looked at her expressionless.  He bent down and kissed her again, a long, drawn out kiss that made her week at the knees.  When he let go, he squeezed at the flesh his hands were attached to.  “Of course you do,” he said definitively.  “Why can’t you see that?”

She didn’t want to answer that question.  “Can we go back to your place, please?” she asked.  “I just want you to hold me.”

They said goodbye to Aryne and John, leaving the vast majority of her new clothes there except for a few items.  Aryne had already called and arranged for a crew to come help with the move into Naz and Ashley’s apartment that would happen in about a week, while Morgan and the team were on another long ten-day road trip.  

When they arrived back at his place, Briony attached herself to Morgan once more, and he carried her to bed.  She wanted so desperately to feel him; to feel him touch her, cover her, be inside her.  It had been so long and she knew in the future she would have to wait longer but right now she didn’t want to wait.  She just wanted to feel safe and secure and she knew she could feel that with Morgan.  

When she began kissing him, he responded hesitantly at first.  He knew she was still a wreck emotionally and he didn’t want to force her into doing something that she didn’t really want to do.  But when she began dragging her nails up his back to take of his shirt, he resolved to let her be in control of everything; every article of clothing lost, every touch, every kiss, every breath taken.  

When he entered her, he felt her legs wrap around him instinctively, keeping him close to her body.  He continued to kiss her and move in tune with her movements, and the way she was able to close her eyes and relish in the moment, after a week of being apart, made him acutely aware of how safe she felt with him.  There was no fear in her, at least right now, while she was with him, under him; there was only a feeling of security; that everything would be fine as long as she was here, and he was here with her, together.  Not alone.  And when she came, and he came, together, and Morgan buried his face into the crook of her neck again, and she ran her fingers through his hair as he collapsed onto her, his body completely covering hers as he practically laid on top of her, she could only feel like she belonged here; like her place in the world, at this very moment, was with Morgan, and there wasn’t anything the universe could do to make her feel otherwise.  

His body felt heavy on hers, but there was no way she wanted to give up the feeling.  When he moved slightly to get off her, she squeezed every limb of her body around him.  “No, stay,” she begged, her voice breathless.  “Just stay.”  

[eruscreaminginthedistance]

Honestly seeing Frodo hate after so long is making me so bitter, cos it’s taking me back to high school when even the kindest, sweetest nerd girls grimaced and complained about how whiny and ineffectual they found Frodo, how they couldn’t stand his scenes etc.  How petulant can one be, to be annoyed by someone’s fragility and suffering?  Ugh it makes me mad.

I think it partly derives from modern audience’s unwillingness to accept an emotionally vulnerable male hero.  Male heroes are allowed to be tortured and conflicted, so long as they do it beneath the veneer of stony-faced stoicism (i.e. your Aragorns).  God forbid they lash out, damage relationships and require the emotional assistance of friends and comrades to help them through (one of the key running themes in Lord of the Rings) because then they’re “whining”, “annoying” and “a burden” to the rest of the cast.

It upsets me, because Tolkien was writing from the perspective of a centuries-long literary tradition.  In Medieval tales, particularly the Romances, male heroes were very emotionally open.  They wept constantly.  The act of being emotionally taxed and distraught wasn’t feminised. Relying on one’s comrades was celebrated; the importance of homosocial bonds between men - particularly knights - was emphasised again and again.

I wanna take this moment to point to Thomas Mallory’s ‘Le Morte d’Arthur’, particularly ‘The Deth of Arthur’ (another tale about a breaking fellowship).

Here we have the mighty King Arthur literally fainting from sadness

Arthur and Gawain literally crying on the floor together, like bros do.  This all occurs within a couple pages of each other.  This is the sort of stuff that Tolkien is trying to emulate with Lord of the Rings.  Stop talking about Frodo being a burden as if working as a team and needing emotional support is a bad thing; it’s the stuff great legends like the above are based on.  I can’t believe Tolkien wrote an epic about how the bonds between friends keep us from falling into evil and some people 80 years later are shitting on this simple message cos Frodo needs to buck up and stop being so affected by all the horrible things that are happening to him.

Of course, it’s also likely that most of these complaints come from people who don’t really understand literary terms like “character development” or “hero’s journey”, basic templates which dictate that the protagonist’s faith and moral capabilities must constantly be tested (ala Gawain and the Green Knight, for instance) before they can emerge the victor, or at the very least redeemed. And in most of these tales, the heroes don’t remain pure and innocent, because the whole goddamn point of the plot is to break these characters down, show their ugly side, push them to their breaking points so that when they win (and their relationships remain intact despite the strain) it’s more satisfying.  It’s a way of reaching out to the audience and saying “these people have flaws and inadequacies just like you, but look, they can be overcome”.

So I’m sorry Frodo didn’t remain your pure and innocent bean throughout the entire fucking story, but that’s precisely why I love him so fuck you; I’m taking my stinky little gnome and I’m going home. Rant over.

[shianhygge-imagines]

Silver Rose [Vergil/Reader] {Devil May Cry} Nothing Dies Like It

AN: Well, I had to bring the conflict at some point... >.>

Please don’t hate me too much. It’s development to their relationship. But if you were expecting something happy... The only thing happy about this chapter is Dante.

|Masterlist Link|    |First Chapter|    |Prev. Ch.| --- |Next Ch.|

---------------------------------

What could you have done better?

What could you have said?

What could you have done?

…to fix the past so that all of this destruction had never happened?

You asked yourself these questions far too many times after you and Vergil had gotten married. As his wife, you should have noticed him slowly getting colder, slowly getting more ruthless as the days past. And then, all at once, Vergil had abandoned you in search for more power. At first, you tried to chase after him, but with how the Yamato could open portals, you were left in the dust.

Smartphones hadn’t existed during those times, and even if they did, you were sure that Vergil would have ignored all your messages. Just like he had ignored all your pleas to stop his hunt for power.

———

“Vergil,” you called out to your husband from the kitchen as you saw that he was making his way out the door. “Vergil, couldn’t you stay? I haven’t seen you in weeks.” I miss you.

“You know as well as I do that I can’t, Y/N. I have to get stronger.” Your husband’s usually calm voice held a touch of frustration, and his body tensed when you went to wrap your arms around his waist, hoping that your words would reach him.

“Power isn’t everything, Vergil. You can’t keep chasing after your father’s phantom. It’s too much to aim to be as strong as Sparda.” You pressed your forehead to the middle of his back, the fabric of his blue coat soft to the touch. “It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to embrace your humanity.”

“My humanity is what makes me weak. And it makes you weak, as well.” Vergil snarled, extracting himself from your embrace as he directed a glare at you.

Distraught, you leveled your own stubborn glare at your husband of two years. “Our humanity makes us weak? Our humanity is our love for one another. The happiness we share in each other’s presence. If emotions like that are considered a weakness, then what is my love to you? What am I to you that you could just toss me aside?”

“A burden.” Vergil hissed before stepping out the door, leaving you on the verge of tears and broken hearted in the home you shared.

———-

A month later the news network broadcasted the summoning of Temen Ni Gru, and you knew that you were about to lose Vergil permanently. Still, you hoped that you could bring him back to his senses, packing some supplies and the Totsuka as you set out to bring your wayward love home.

“Stupid jerk,” You growled, slicing through another demon as you made your way through the city and towards the ancient tower looming over everything. “I’m a fucking burden, huh? Well I’ll show you a fucking burden when I find you and beat the shit out of you for causing some much trouble!” Did he think that his actions were without consequences? So many people were dead because of all the demons roaming the city streets, and he was going to preach to you that you were a burden? You’d be damned if you just laid down and took Vergil’s bullshit.

“DO YOU HEAR ME VERGIL? I’M COMING FOR YOUR PRETTY ASS! AND YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING ME CRY!” You snarled, shouting into the night sky as you made mince meat out of the lesser demons.

“Well isn’t this a sight for sore eyes. I didn’t even know you were alive, Y/N.” A laid back, but suave voice called out from atop a raised road.

Your eyes left the sight of the carnage around you to look up for the voice’s source. The first thing that stuck out was the crimson colored coat draped over the man before you noticed that he looked a lot like your husband. On the man’s shoulder rest a familiar sword, and you couldn’t help the affectionate smile to come to your face. “Dante. I didn’t know you were alive, either. How have you been?”

“Been pretty bangin, all things considered. Got my own business now, so I think I’m doing fine.” Dante’s devil-may-care attitude was a breath of fresh air compared to the utter shit show that you’d been through in the recent years. “How about you? I see you got yourself a fancy sword and a… son of a bitch, is that a ring on your finger? You’re married?”

You winced a little and moved to hide your left hand from view, “Yeah… Got married like two years ago. The katana was a wedding gift.”

Dante gave a low whistle and dropped from the high platform to see you better, though he still had Rebellion out and ready just in case. “So does hubby know that you’re out here killing demons?”

At that you grumbled and glared at Temen Ni Gru, “No, hubby certainly doesn’t know I’m here. Hubby doesn’t even know I came to drag him back home.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Vergil? You’re married to Vergil? How the hell did you end up marrying Vergil!?” Dante looked like he was about to have a heart attack, and from the smell of pizza on him, you honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if your brother-in-law dropped dead in that moment.

“Despite his… power hungry tendencies as of late, Vergil and I were in love… or I was in love with him, at least.” You grumbled out an explanation the best you could for the meanwhile. “It’s a long story, but when you two lost your mother, I also lost my family. So Vergil and I just stuck together for years, and well… the heart wants what it wants, ya know?”

Dante nodded solemnly, looking like he understood that you just couldn’t disobey what your heart tells you. “Yeah, I get that. But what I don’t understand is how he could have gone so wrong with you by his side.”

“I don’t know, Dante. He got it in his head that power was what he needed to protect those who mattered to him, but… I think he’s lost sight of what he wanted.” There was a bitter smile on your lips as you started to journey forward with Dante in tow. “It’s a quality that you both share, being so stubborn, but his stubborness drove a rift between us. Last month, he told me that I was just a burden to him. And now, I’m here to prove to him that my love for him is absolute. That no matter what he does, I’ll always be there to drag him back home.”

“Well,” Dante smirked as he brought you in for a one armed hug, messing with your hair fondly, “Sounds like a plan. Let’s go stop your douchebag husband, Little Sis.”

“Little Sis?” You echoed, brows drawn together in confusion.

“Duh! You married my brother, so that makes you my little sis.” Dante explained, easily scaling the broken roads ahead of you, “Try to keep up, Y/N.”

——

Several hours later, at the top of Temen Ni Gru

You grit your teeth as you sprinted up the last of the way to the top of Temen Ni Gru. You and Dante had been separated while fighting a horde of demons, and you had no doubt that your brother in law had made it to the top first.

Sprinting out of the entrance, you realized with some surprise that it had started raining heavily, though it did nothing to hide the fact that just across the platform, Vergil and Dante were locked into combat, the younger brother’s fist skewered onto the Yamato. “Jeebus cheese pizzas, the both of you are the worst. Why the hell did I marry into this family in the first place?” You complained vocally, throwing your voice so that both brothers could hear.

Vergil’s eyes met yours briefly before his attention was taken up by Dante grabbing the Yamato and throwing him away. Just as the elder twin was about to retaliate, a voice cut through the air.

“Wait!” Vergil paused in drawing the Yamato as a bald man with a heavy scar on his face appeared beside him. “We should leave. For the moment, we have all that we need.”

A growl cut through the air, and you were surprised to find that it was you who had let loose such a feral sound. “Who the hell is that, Vergil? Is that man the reason why you left home? Huh?” The demand came naturally when you were tired and emotionally in turmoil. “Has he manipulated you? Vergil!”

“Wife.” The title was said so coldly that you winced, though you kept your eyes on your husband. “Your humanity has done you a disservice. I chose this of my own will. No one can manipulate me, and I’m insulted that you could think it.”

“She is your wife, Vergil?” The man sneered at you with a creepy curiosity.

“She is naught but a burden now. A remnant of a time spent in naive content.” Vergil dismissed, turning in place to leave you at the top of Temmen Ni Gru.

“You’re just going to throw me away?” You demanded to know, disbelieving that Vergil would just abandon you after all the years you spent together. “We promised to love one another! That we would always be by each other’s side! I refuse to believe that everything was a lie!”

Vergil paused in his steps, but he didn’t turn back to look at you. “You better start, then, Y/N. Because I don’t need you anymore.”

“Come home, Vergil!” You pleaded, taking a step forward, “Come home, and we’ll try to work something out. You don’t have to do this!”

There was silence, and then the sound of a sword being loosened, and you had to quickly unsheathe Totsuka to block the Yamato as it descended to cleave you in two. Vergil struck again and you parried, familiar with the way that Vergil fought, though you lacked the speed needed to battle on par with him. Exhausted from the initial climb to the apex, you attempted to gain some distance by backing away.

An awful squelch pierced the air, and you found yourself staring down as the Yamato pierced your abdomen. “I have no home.” Vergil hissed before violently yanking the Yamato back and flicking it clear of your blood.

Though the wound would heal, you were struck with horror as you watched Vergil jump off the ledge. When he dropped, you did as well.

When Vergil had proposed to you, you had hoped that he would cast aside his lust for power.

…Nothing dies like hope.

———

The blow from the Yamato didn’t kill you, but it had left a scar where other injuries had not. At Dante’s behest, you retreated from Temen Ni Gru to let Dante handle Vergil, making your way back to the address that Dante had given you. During that span of time, you lamented at what had been lost between you and Vergil, but you couldn’t bring yourself to throw away your wedding ring.

By dawn, Temen Ni Gru had started to crumble, sealing the demon world away once more.

By dawn, when Dante and Lady returned, you were also gone, leaving only a note of farwell on the desk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed my work, please consider buying me a Ko-fi!

[variantia]

BELLUM.   so anyway, can I rant about my headcanons and feelings re : something ?   and too bad if I can’t bc I’m going to anyway

specifically, I want to talk about Caryn’s part in throwing Stan out of the house and how she actually had no part in it.   a few days ago I was reading posts all over the internet and a couple of them mentioned that Stan and Ford’s parents threw Stan out

and maybe I’m just being nitpicky, because I write Ma Pines and maybe overanalyze her scenes, but wording it like that kind of rubs me the wrong way

like, examine her behavior in the single episode we saw her in, because there’s more to unpack there than you think, she is not a flat character and to be honest, she’s not even really a unit with Filbrick.   they’re complete opposites and there’s no evidence that the two of them actually really talk any any of their parenting decisions.

which brings me to my first point, do you notice how, in any of her scenes, she never actually directly interacts with her husband ?

1 : they’re in the living room, and they’re not even that close to each other.   they’re not on the couch ; Filbrick is in a chair reading the newspaper, and Caryn is sitting on the window seat doing business (   inasmuch as being a phone psychic can be doing business   ) on the phone.   even when Caryn hangs up, neither of them acknowledge each other.

2 : they’re sitting in the principal’s office with an empty chair between them where Ford sits when he comes in.   they don’t appear to have been talking with each other or the principal, Caryn looks visibly confused / concerned, and Filbrick looks as emotionally constipated as usual.   they don’t look at or talk to each other (   or directly to Ford, for that matter   ) even once the situation is explained, at least in that moment.

3 : whereas Filbrick is assumed to be still awake when Ford and Stan are arguing, Caryn is clearly asleep in the other room with Shermie’s baby until all the shouting wakes her up.   at least in most media, couples are usually portrayed as going to bed around the same time, and sleeping together.   combined with that, Filbrick is still dressed as he is during the day.   Caryn doesn’t address him, but instead Stan, probably because she’s just woken up to see her son grabbed by the shirt and lifted into the air by his father.

bonus : while Ford is attending his orientation at Backupsmore, he pulls out a family photo that seems to have been taken after Shermie moved out.   it’s notable that Caryn isn’t even standing next to her husband in that photo.   she and Filbrick are on opposite sides, with Stan and Ford between them.   that’s not a typical family photo, especially if it was a professional photo.

at best, Caryn and Filbrick have relationship and / or communication issues, because out of three separate scenes, they never say a word directly to each other.   at worst, Filbrick is as bad to her as he is to his kids.

also, keep in mind that this is, what ― the 60s, 70s ?   Caryn is a strong personality, but even with that, she likely doesn’t feel like she can stand up to someone like Filbrick.   he’s harsh, he’s strict, he’s cruel, so what would he do if she dared to question him ?   kick her out too, and then she’d be on the streets trying to help take care of Shermie’s baby ?

second of all, she wasn’t even behind Filbrick when he was throwing Stan out.   she was probably still upstairs, trying to calm down a crying baby and a distraught Ford.   she could have followed, and it would have been an easy way to show that she was literally and figuratively backing up Filbrick’s decision.   but she wasn’t there.

another point is that she is the ONLY one who ever shows major concern for Stan.   when told that Ford is a genius and could be going to the best college in the country, she’s surprised and proud, but her next question isn’t anything about him.   it’s “what about our little free spirit Stanley?” seeming to hope there might be good news for Stan too.

when she comes into the living room during the argument, she doesn’t ask Filbrick or Ford what’s going on despite the fact that they’re visibly angry.   no, she says, “Stanley, what’s going on here?” and why ?   because he’s the one who’s being manhandled.   he’s the one all the anger’s aimed at.

in Lost Legends, Stan and Ford as kids are shown sneaking out.   and despite most likely knowing that Filbrick grounded them, Caryn’s reaction isn’t to put her foot down and tell them to get back in the house.   instead, it’s basically, “ok, just be home for dinner.”

she’s not an idiot or negligent.   she goes against Filbrick in little ways like that, but something as big as what happened the night Stan got kicked out ?   that was a final decision.   that would have been “I’m the man of the house, I’m in charge, and what I say goes” if she tried to stop him.   with what we know about Filbrick, do you really think he treats his wife any better than we see him treating his sons ?

Caryn had no part in throwing Stan out.   she clearly loves him so fucking much and probably didn’t think she had any options as far as stopping Filbrick.

TL ; DR ― “their parents” didn’t kick Stanley out.   Filbrick did.

[lunawings]

King of Prism SSS episode 8 commentary (Yu)

So, in my opinion, I think the episodes we’ve seen up until now could be more or less enjoyed to the fullest by newcomers and/or people who haven’t seen Rainbow Live. 

But from here on out, there is a notable change. And I really mean from here on out: Episodes 8 - 12 basically require having seen Pretty Rhythm Rainbow Live to be fully understood I think. 

So if you watched this episode and thought wait.... why did they just skip over Yu’s backstory like that!?!

Two words: Rainbow Live. 

Anyway let’s get started.

I’m surprised the subber knew the correct spelling to ViviC Heart Session. That takes.... research!? ....Wait, it’s in the credits. Still, that’s some non-linear translation. 

Also I kinda wonder when and where ViviC Heart Session came from in canon. Yeah it’s the Pride the Hero ending, but there is a whole story on how they made and performed Dramatic Love for the Christmas concert, but nothing on ViviC Heart Session as far as I know. 

If you’re wondering why they’re all acting so weird, there have already been not one but TWO different story arcs in the Prism Rush Main Story about Yu ambitiously deciding to write songs and biting off way more than he could chew ahah.... 

They know. 

So this kinda dates this episode? Sort of? Despite the way it seems in episode 1, clearly the Prism One doesn’t take place right after it was announced ahah. 

The way Yu says this line makes me think it’s probably been a month or so already. 

So maybe it was announced in July-August (episode 1 takes place in “summer”), and happened in September-October, something like that?

So like literally JUST as I was thinking to myself “wow the subs have really gotten better in this episode....” THIS had to happen... How dare you translate Taiga’s “IT’S A FESTIVAL” as “party time”................

Oh well. Honestly though, aside from this, this episode has the best subs so far, BY FAR. 

Been wondering for months how they would sub MUGEN HABUUUUUU because I had no idea how I would do it myself ahah.

Although they don’t state it explicitly, it’s pretty clear this episode takes place in Okinawa. Among many other things, I think it’s the only place in Japan with habu. 

I may or may not have thought way too hard for too long about how Taiga and Kakeru ended up in this boat together. 

I mean I would like to think Taiga chose Kakeru as his partner in good faith that they could work well together. 

BUT KAKERU ISN’T EVEN ROWING COME ON 

HE’S JUST ENJOYING THE VIEW

THE VIEW BEING TAIGA IF YOU DIDN’T GET MY DRIFT

I suppose it could have been random pairs, but Shin and Leo also ended up together and that seems not random ahah. Speaking of which...

When I saw this episode for the first time I saw it as a 3-pack with Leo’s episode coming right before (the theatrical Part 3). So I had just gone though Leo’s episode for the first time and all the baggage that came with it less than 10 minutes earlier. 

And needless to say I was VERY MUCH NOT OVER IT AND EXPERIENCING VERY HIGH EMOTIONS ABOUT LEO

So during this scene I was like like

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MY SONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

SAVE HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It actually took me until at least my second or third viewing to catch Kakeru trying to take a selfie with Taiga in the background there and I lost my shit. 

BTW I just want to mention that ViviC Heart Session was made for this episode. Well yes I know it wasn’t literally made for this episode, but it’s always sounded tropical for me and it just could not be more perfect.

I have been wondering for months what Taiga says here and I’m still not sure. (Not that I think this subtitle is wrong, but I mean I can’t make out the Japanese he uses. I just know folks in the theater laugh about it. Or they could just be laughing at Taiga’s method of escaping from Yu.)

Me at cheering: “IT’S SHIN. PICK UP.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

I wonder if like, they all got together and tried to figure out who Yu was least likely to hang up on.

But seriously though

WHO COULD EVER HANG UP ON SHIN

YOU MONSTER 

I said once that Jin was the best voicework in SSS, but Taiga man I dunno. Taiga is up there too. This scream is just so..... BRILLIANT..........

My reaction here changes from “OMG TAIGA ARE YOU OK” to just laughing hysterically. Sometimes in the same showing. Taiga I’m sorry. 

My new desktop background.

Seriously this episode is just SO BEAUTIFUL. 

Such a simple plot, but such amazing atmosphere and visuals that really take it SO MUCH FURTHER.

If I stopped to take screenshots of everything I thought looked amazing this post would never end. So just know I’m definitely thinking it. Just goddamn. 

For a long time I wondered how and why Minato found about about this.

But then I realized it actually makes a lot of sense.

So remember in my last post when I talked about my theory that Minato and Yu probably joined Edel Rose at the same time? Well, when Yu met Leo, basically the first thing he did was brag about knowing Over the Rainbow. So he probably did the same to Minato, and/or Minato just noticed him being way too friendly with Kouji. 

Considering Minato entered Edel Rose FOR KOUJI there is no way he wouldn’t notice that and wonder about it. 

So one day he probably worked up the courage to ask Kouji about it, and.....

Oh boy. 

BTW if you’re thinking huh? Yu’s family was separated? What? 

See: The Ito/Kouji plot in Rainbow Live. (And bring tissues.)

Just the comparison of how fast he picks up here. Even though the first thing he does is complain to her it’s like.... HALF A SECOND from when he sees it’s Ito to when he answers omg..... 

So I kinda questioned this subtitle here. Because the literal Japanese is just him saying “IT’S LATE!” 

So I always thought he meant it like “Do you know what time it is!?”

But then I thought about it some more. And I remembered the Rose Party 2018 event, where the voice actors played a game where they all decided new aspects of the characters. And one of the things that were tasked with deciding (at the afternoon performance I believe) was what Yu does every night before he goes to bed. And one of the answers was “discusses life problems with Ito”. 

So, maybe Ito does call Yu every night so he had been waiting on a call from her for a while.... 

And if so, in that context this subtitle is spot on. 

You win, Crunchyroll. 

Cheering audience: “THAT WAY”

Yu was so impressive Kakeru stopped taking pictures of Taiga for a full minute. 

DID I MENTION THIS EPISODE IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL 

But so like. As soon as they started heading up the hill. Like practically from when they called his name, I was like..... Yu’s gonna cry. 

So then it was many long, long seconds of anticipation.....

until finally this.....

And I was not disappointed. 

Of all the beautiful things in this episode, I think the most beautiful thing may just be Yu’s crying animation here. He’s such a beautiful crier. 

I love this scene so much. It brings me so much joy. Because he’s not crying because he’s hurt or sad. 

He’s crying because he realized he has friends. 

HE’S CRYING BECAUSE HE HAS FRIENDS

YU

YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

You know, I didn’t even realize Taiga was hiding behind Kakeru until someone in the stream pointed it out.

Am I an asshole because this is Yu’s episode but most of my favorite moments involve Taiga/Kakeru. 

HUG HIM

HUG HIMMMMMM

OH MY GAWD I have NEVER so desperately wanted to reach through the screen and hug an anime character

Also Leo always cries when anyone else is crying. 

I spent so much time looking at Kakeru and Minato that I didn’t even realize Taiga too..... They’re BOTH sleeping on top of Minato omg.....

Also I can’t help but laugh that Leo is the big spoon on Shin. But it doesn’t surprise me. If you read Prism Rush stuff, Leo aggressively cuddling Shin in his sleep is nothing new.

Damn but. Okay so like, another way in which seeing this episode right after Leo’s influenced me is, during Leo’s episode I kept thinking about what PriPara coords were closest to the outfits that the boys were wearing and how I was totally gonna record arcade videos with them. 

And then we get to this and I was like OH MAN I can’t wait until that outfit comes out so I can put it on my character.... then I was like.... WAIT.....

And I realized this is basically the only idol anime I watch currently where I can’t have the clothes and I was like......... ahhhh.... not fair..........

Seriously though it is kind of odd. For me anyhow.

But also because they don’t have to worry about an arcade game for King of Prism, they have a lot more freedom. Like in a show like this, usually all the important coords that season will all uniformly have wings or holograms or otherwise follow some kind of a theme.

But with this it’s like... WHATEVER. Give Yu a huge floaty cross?? SURE WHY NOT!!!! ahah......

PRISM LIIIIVE

Okay so I know this animation is straight from Rainbow Live. 

But this lightning guitar here, it’s a recolor of Sara’s guitar from PriChan isn’t it?

And if it is, this’s the first/only specifically PriChan (not PriPara) reference I know of in SSS.

So I guess the Prism System doesn’t score Prism Lives for boys yet, huh....?

So one Prism Live + one jump = this. 

But I suppose you could also argue that although Yu’s show was super personal and meaningful to him, he really didn’t do much for the audience did he? (The in-universe audience I mean, as it did plenty for me haha.) It was a rather street-style show in that aspect when you think about it. 

Oh well, I guess no matter what someone has to be last................................

Ah man anyway this episode.

So when I saw it for the first time, it actually didn’t leave that much of an impression on me. But that’s because it was a bit overshadowed by how EXTREMELY EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT I was from Leo’s episode, and then I ended up leaving the theater thinking about the um, surprise that’s gonna happen next week in Alexander’s episode. So this episode kinda fell by the wayside. 

I was actually kinda jealous of how much you guys in the stream were freaking out about it. It really made me wish I had the chance to see it independently without the influence of Leo and Alexander. There are definitely advantages to watching these week-to-week instead of in odd bunches. 

Because the more I watched it, the more I really REALLY liked it, and now I think it’s probably my third favorite character episode after Taiga’s and Leo’s. (Or maybe even second. I keep flip-flopping.)

I was also a bit blindsided by how this episode didn’t really follow the normal formula. Since they skipped over Yu’s backstory, they had time for other things. They had time for, dare I say it... “filler”? By that I mean, time to focus on just the boys being boys. Although it’s something we get a lot of on Prism Rush, I realized it’s something we have been severely lacking in the movies and anime. Another big difference between this series and typical Pretty Series/Aikatsu-type anime (other than not being able to have the coords......) is the lack of filler, and I realized how truly valuable it can be. This episode is just such a jewel. 

So in between last week and this week I picked up a magazine (spoon 2Di vol. 50) with director commentary, and this was the last episode he commented on. 

He said this episode is about Yu going through his “rebellious phase”, which he never had the chance to have when he was younger since his family split up during such an important part of his childhood and he felt he had to be strong for his mom and all that. 

So instead he goes through it with his Edel Rose family.

GAAAAAH

Probably my favorite thing about Yu is how we’re able to see him gradually grow and change more than any other character I think. 

Who would have though that little boy we met in Hokkaido would get this far......

So next up is Alexander’s episode and um....

You may have noticed me talking significantly less about that episode that I have about others. And there’s a reason for that. And it’s not because I have nothing to say about it......

The events in Alexander’s episode basically set off a continuity train until the end of the series. IMHO it doesn’t matter what order you watch episodes 2-8 in, but from here on out it’s definitely all connected. 

So basically what I’m trying to get at is.... um.... g..... get emotionally ready for some future cliffhangers. I’m sorry. 

Also, your last chance to properly prepare by watching Rainbow Live.... you won’t be disappointed, I promise....... 

[jodywegner]

A bad day. (I just need to rant into the abyss of the internet)

I’ve never actually left work early for a bad day before. But I felt that today if I didn’t, I’d end up embarrassing myself and ruining all of my relationships with my coworkers or better yet end up in the HR office. It was just an accumulation of a few too many small things that have been building up for months while I’m emotionally vulnerable.

I also know that none of my coworkers will ever see this post. But even if they do, I doubt they were aware of my feelings. The worst part is that nothing is really anyone’s fault. There’s no bad guy, and that makes it all the more frustrating, and that finally came to a head today. Because I can’t chew people out for doing nothing wrong. Sorry for the long post. Lotta resentments getting bottled up.

So context. 1. My grandfather has been in declining health for a while now. This isn’t very upsetting for me. He’s in his mid 90s and lived a full life. We were all provided for and everything is taken care of. For me, it feels more like a natural thing that is now finally happening. My aunt and my father have been fighting for years over different things, but my grandfather’s declining health has definitely rekindled the flames of war. 2. I work in TV animation production, and my goal is to become a storyboard artist. I’ve made that goal clear. I’ve asked for tests but I can never get any. I’ve asked for feedback and no one has given me any. The shining star of this was my boss giving me 5 long minutes of not quite saying “it’s not good enough.” I figured he was busy and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He did say that if he hadn’t hired our then current revisionist, he’d love to have me start as one. Since then, he’s hired 4 more revisionists who have come and gone for different reasons. 3. I don’t think I draw that fucking bad. I’ve been told my artists I work with “why don’t you have an art job yet?” which the answer is “because no one will fucking give me one when I ask and you guys aren’t in a position to.” (they mean it as a compliment but it just really keeps bringing me down whenever I fail) And there are a lot of people my age getting art jobs while I’m not and yah I’m not that old but it’s very stressful and discouraging regardless of logic and optimism. 4. My intern this last semester showed my boss a sample board and got extensive notes and feedback and was offered freelance revision work even though she’s still a junior in college. She’s 3 years younger than me and was here for 2 months. My boss literally walked into my office then started talking to her in the adjacent cube over the wall about how good she is and the upcoming freelance revisionist work. And I have to sit there quietly and pretend it’s not killing me. 5. I’m lactose intolerant. 6. I guess I’ve been suffering from job related depression for the above reasons. Nothing major, I’m not suicidal, but I’m definitely very unhappy and going to work is definitely not a fun or even neutral experience anymore. It’s hard because the correct answer to my problem is “git gud’ and we all know how NOT FUCKING HELPFUL that is. Today 1. I get a text from my parents at 6 am telling me that my grandfather has passed away. We went over yesterday to say our goodbyes expecting him to pass either today or tomorrow. We left at around 8pm and asked my aunt to call us when he passed and that we’d come over. So my parents find out that he passed away at 6 am today. From a third party that isn’t even FUCKING RELATED TO US. Apparently my grandfather had passed away 10 minutes after we left yesterday, and she decided not to let us know. We had to find out through some other person offering my father his condolences. 2. Well the two coworkers I am closest with were late for miscellaneous reasons so I kinda had to keep #1 bottled up for 2 hours. 3. When things happen, I bluster and storm for the first hour before calming down and becoming rational. So I’m sitting at my desk all morning trying my best to keep my shit together because I’m absolutely fuming and was (forbid) by my mother to retaliate. She’s not wrong but there’s a lotta stress and emotions here. (3.5. Although I was directly forbid retaliation, I still went ahead and planned it anyways because it was a mildly constructive use of my stress. DM me if you want to know how to ruin someone’s entire week and never get caught.) 4. I took some Lactaid 30 minutes before I decided to finish my leftover mac n cheese from the fancy food truck yesterday as breakfast. Yah the Lactaid didn’t work at all for some ungodly reason... It’s 9am and I’m in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally now.... 5. So one of my favored coworkers finally beats traffic and gets in so I go to talk to her about all of this. I immediately get cry-y. Which blah blah blah crying is part of grieving but I can do that later. It’s not great when I’m at work because crying opens up the floodgate of emotions and the near impossible task of re-wrangling them under control is now daunting. Emotional fortitude -50. And people just kinda didn’t notice that I was crying and upset and not very quietly recounting this horrible morning story. They kinda walked right by. Not a single person other than that one coworker (and my other favored one who came in a bit later) offered me any condolences or asked about how I was doing of if I was ok. It’d be one thing if that happened and no one was around and I regained my composure. BUT I DIDN’T. 6. That fucking intern (who’s a nice person but god I wish they’d stop existing in my life. It’s fucking petty but today is really the worst day for it so fuck it I’m saying it.) is coming in for a big storyboard meeting between all the board artists, revisionists, and supervisors. So I had to see her and pretend to smile and be pleasant and supportive while I’m emotionally compromised, grieving, pissed, and now petty and jealous all over again. So I get that out of the way and I sit back down and get to work. 7. The other coworker I like to talk to comes in. She was a former intern who also wants to be a board artist so we try to help each other in our endeavors together. She’s an optimist. She says that she’s going to ask if she can sit in on the meeting and asks if I’d like to come along. Bless her outgoing-ness that I struggle with. But as much as I’d like to... that’s a room full of people who either forgot that I want to be a board artist, don’t care, or are straight up ignoring me about it and keep doing and saying all of these unintentionally hurtful things to and near me. Also that fucking intern is there. Also I’m pissed. Also I’m emotionally distraught. So I declined her offer. Even if I could get something good out of that meeting, I’m pretty sure I would have just had a breakdown in the corner. So I didn’t want to embarrass myself like that or make people feel uncomfortable for doing their normal business. 8. So by this point I’m sure I’m going to be snippy or mean or start crying in front of people, so my goal was to finish my most important task and leave at noon. I finish, I grab my bag to leave. As I do, they all get out of their storyboard meeting and bluster past me because they are now late for seeing the storyboard trainee program final presentations. GREAT. 9. Another production coworker of mine comments on how its important for them to go in case they see anyone they’d like to hire as a revisionist. I fianlly hit FUCKIT and say “IM GOING HOME.” And so I go to walk to the elevators. 10. I chose the wrong time to walk to the elevators because everyone in that meeting is waiting at the elevators to go look at the storyboard trainee presentations and scope out the new talent. They’re in too much of a busy mind to notice that I’m about to cry and am probably glaring with white knuckles as I clutch my bag. Luckily for me the elevator is full and I have an excuse to take the next one and not theirs. A part of me wished that they would say “come on in! i’m sure you can fit!” But... stuff like that never happens with them. No one goes out of their way to include me in things. So... whatever. Maybe I’m just being negative trying to find the bad in every little thing, but this is a rant so I’m going to do just that because fuck the consequences of people liking me and thinking I know how to adult properly. 11. I’m driving home and get a message from my coworker (glanced at a long red dont arrest me pls wait till tomorrow) saying that the intern asked if I had sent her intern evaluation to her school yet. I did. A few weeks ago. This isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I was finally fucking free and just about to not have any reason to keep it together but then BAM. Intern shows up in my life again. Right after I though it was all over. A little god damn poke. Now So I managed to drive home without crashing into buildings or furiously honking and I am now just holding my cat and typing this. I’m pretty sure none of my coworkers will ever see this. A part of me wishes they would and that maybe they’d care, because I really don’t want to have to start a conversation specifically about all of this with them.    Who the hell starts a conversation with: “By the way boss, can you please stop discussing giving the intern freelance work when I’m within earshot let alone in my god damn 6′x8′ cube?” “Hey boss, remember when I asked you for feedback and got none? Why does the intern get your full attention when you are even busier?” “Hey boss, why have you hired 4 more revisionists when you said that’d you’d love to have me as one? Did you forget? Were you just lying to me because you didn’t know how to give me feedback? Did you even care about what you say to me?” “Hey intern, I understand you are excited and this is a great opportunity for you, but can you please read the room at least a little because I want to cry every single time?” “Hey everyone, I want to be a board artist remember? REMEMBER?” ”Hey everyone... I’m an artist too.” “Hey everyone, can anyone just give me a little help?” ”Hey everyone, if I keep my purse stocked with your allergy medications, pain killers, band aids, digestive relief, girly goods and keep good snacks around and remember your schedules and try to make your jobs easier and serve as your primary IT person...will you remember that I’m here?” “Hey everyone, do you all dislike me or do you all just not care enough to notice me?” They’re all good people, but it’s not stuff that I really know how to say just out of the blue. So today... I just couldn’t stand being even in my own cube anymore. I’m not an outgoing entrepreneurial person who bugs people everyday trying to sell themselves as an artist. I’m someone who tells you my intentions, and asks for help, and then believes people when they tell me sorry they’re busy, that they wish they could help, that they’d love to have me if only not for “x”. No one is entitled to give me a job or help me. But... I don’t get why I’m the only one who gets nothing for a response when I do ask. If they were busy, that’d be fine. But since then things have gotten busier, and my boss personally worked through multiple iterations of my intern’s practice board with her. A good piece of advice I got was that your first 5 tests are awful...but I can’t even get anyone to give me my first one. I’m told to work hard and “git gud”. But it feels like I’m just bashing my head against a brick wall, and no one even acknowledges the effort. It feels like if I decide to stop doing that because I’m about to have a breakdown, I’ll be looked down on as a quitter and not passionate enough. I have passion, but all of this is 100% killing it, and I don’t want to hate art. I really don’t. But I’m starting to. It’s hard for me to enjoy it when now it’s only done to seek attention and approval that I’ll never get from these people. Today would have been difficult still, but not unbearable if not for that. My grandfather’s death isn’t a tragedy for me. He was in pain for a long time and he definitely made the most of his life. The tragedy is that despite all of this, my aunt decided that my family didn’t deserve to know that our grandfather, my father’s father (who lives literally 5 minutes away by car), had passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to the memorial service for my grandfather. Not because the death is hard to deal with but because all of the family there is. Would love to make life terrible for my aunt. Would love to be just as petty. I have so many colorful things to say and do. But ultimately none of that matters. It’s just death. Nothing changes it or adds a new flavor to it. So all of that anger and hurt just kinda snowballed today. And to top it all off as I’m typing this some asshole is beating a dog somewhere in the neighborhood and the dog is screaming and yelping. (called the police so hopefully they find them) Thanks for reading this long negative rant. I hope it helps anyone who is feeling similarly frustrated, because I dont have someone around who’s breaking down quite like I am so this is all I have. Shooting it into the internet in a passive aggressive attempt and chance that maybe someone who needs to read it will. Positive news: I watered my plants with the extra time. I hugged my cat. I will be returning with art for Mermay.

[vfdbaudelairefile13]

Chapter Thirty-Nine:

The One Where Lemony Makes a Vastly Formidable Decision While Violet Makes A Very Frightening Discovery

 

 

There was an awkward silence in the taxi as both men realized what Lemony had just said out loud. 

“Lemony...you’re not serious?” Larry asked in an uncomfortable tone.

“I get that it’s wrong...but...what choice do I have?” Lemony asked the waiter, his voice cracking.

“Several,” Larry replied. “Besides, you were just complaining that you thought you had too much blood on your hands. Now you want to add some real blood?”

“It’s just Olaf. He doesn't deserve to live,” Lemony said. “Especially not anymore.”

“But he’s not worth the time you’d spend incarcerated.”

Lemony laughed. “I’ve been both dead and on the run for nearly fifteen years. I’m an expert at not getting caught.”

Larry laughed. “Well, you do what you feel you need to do. I won’t stop you and I won’t look at you any differently, friend. I’ll continue to help you in any way to help these kids.”

Lemony sighed. “Thank you. Do you need a ride back into town?”

“Actually, yes I could use one. I’ve been asked to help your brother investigate a recent fire.”

“Jacques is researching the Baudelaire fire?” Lemony asked worriedly.

“No...the more recent fire?”

“There’s been another fire?”

“Yeah...you didn’t hear?” Larry asked. “We’ve lost two more members in the fire. One of their children died in the fire, as well.”

“What? How old?”

“Just thirteen years old. The other two children are being sent to a boarding school that you and I are familiar with.”

“Prufrock?”

“Yep.”

“Fucking lovely,” Lemony commented. “Wait, do you think Poe will take the Baudelaires there next. Since he took those kids…”

“Uhm...Mr. Poe isn’t in charge of their affairs.” Larry interrupted.

“Then who is?”

“The city’s sixth most important financial adviser,” 

“Wait...isn't that…” Lemony asked as Larry nodded. “How did thathappen?”

“I’m unsure. But we’ve been told she hasn’t had any affiliation with VFD since that night. She quit it all together. Now spends her days solely focusing on fashion and her own wealth.” Larry explained.

“Well...that’s good at least. Maybe, unlike Olaf, she’s put everything behind her.” 

“Well, why wouldn’t she? It’s just a sugar bowl.”

Lemony laughed. “It was more than just a sugar bowl to her...but maybe you’re right. She moved on. She’s more mature than Olaf. Not fixating on revenge over some petty little object.”

Lemony laughed as he started up the taxi. He and Larry continued their conversation all the way back to the city. Lemony couldn’t help but wonder what was in store for the Baudelaires and what was in store for him. Was he really willing to kill Olaf to end this miserable cycle that he has found himself in? Lemony continued on in conversation but his mind was currently wandering aimlessly. He was feeling distraught, he couldn’t fathom how the idiotic mistakes that he made in his early twenties could fuck up everything this badly. 

The world was filling up with smoke and fire, and it was all his fault. Beatrice and her husband, Bertrand burned to death in their home that they once happily raised their children. Jacques and Kit have not seen their younger brother in nearly two decades and who knows if they’ve stayed close after losing Lemony. Gustav was murdered by a poison dart and drowned in a swamp. Monty had his passion used against him in a cruel murder. Josephine had her fears used against her in a gruesome murder. Two children had lost their parents and have been stalked and pursued by a homicidal psycho who was bent on revenge against Lemony and their own parents. And now, another VFD family has lost their home and their lives. A thirteen-year-old died because of him.  Finally, Violet, his own daughter, had been robbed of a true childhood. She was robbed of having a mother. She was robbed of having siblings. She was robbed of having any family unit other than her father. And it was all. His. fault. 

It didn’t matter what Jacquelyn or Larry said. Lemony knew that this was all his fault. He blindly followed VFD’s orders and the dominoes fell. They’ve been falling for nearly fifteen years now and Lemony desperately wondered just how this story was going to end. Unfortunately, I know how this story ends and it is not a pleasant ending for anyone involved. Even if some people find peace or a ‘happy ending’, they will still have their trauma, their nightmares, their worry that just around the corner more unfortunate events will be there. But in the case of Lemony Snicket, I am sad to say that the conclusion to his story is much, much worse. You can hardly imagine, so I implore you to run and never look back because the further you go into this story, the further down the rabbit hole you go and sooner or later, you’ll be trapped with no way out and you will be forced to endure the Baudelaires’ and Snickets’ tragic stories. My associate and I have already tormented ourselves learning each gruesome detail. Finding useful documents and finding scraps of photographs that help detail and piece together each and everything that has happened in these cases. If you think this is bad or that the story cannot get any worse...I hate to inform you but you are entirely wrong. This story can and will get much, much worse. The secrets of VFD will begin to unravel all around the children but that doesn’t mean their story will get any better. You might think that three children should lead pleasant lives...but that’s not how the story goes.  

He sighed, trying to do his best to keep up the conversation with Larry as he drove them back to the city. He was fighting tears, he was fighting exhaustion. It was weird, Lemony didn’t feel physically exhausted, although he knew that he was, the nightmares made sure of that. Ruining any chance of sleep that Lemony could get. But he did feel both emotionally and mentally exhausted. It was hard keeping up the lies that he told his daughter, it was even harder keeping her a secret to anyone involved in VFD. It was hard to remember what he named his disguise this time and it was nerve-wracking hoping that he wouldn’t be recognized by Olaf. 

If Lemony lived in a simpler world, he would be a man who was never indicted into a secret organization, never convinced to do that heinous action that changed everything. Even if Beatrice and Bertrand had died when their children were young, Lemony would be able to just adopt the Baudelaires and protect them. Then Violet would have siblings. Violet would have a normal life as well. 

Was kidnapping the Baudelaires really out of the question? He asked himself as Larry rambled on and on, not noticing that Lemony was barely paying any attention. Honestly, Lemony wasn’t sure how he was even driving, he was barely focusing on the desolate roads either. Kidnapping the Baudelaires did sound like the best option, he didn’t have to necessarily indict them into VFD, he could take them and Violet and simply disappear. But would the kids go for that? Would Olaf still find them?

Lemony was unsure exactly how Olaf was getting the location of the Baudelaire orphans. Lemony got his information from Jacquelyn, who works under the incompetent Mr. Poe. But how did Olaf get this information...and before Lemony? That part hasn’t made much sense to Lemony since day one. He knew he couldn’t put a stop to Olaf learning the children’s location if he didn’t know where he was getting it. So if Lemony kidnapped Klaus and Sunny...Olaf would find him, discovering Violet. Which he refused to let happen. The vivid nightmares were a constant reminder of what Olaf would do if he knew of Violet’s mere existence. So kidnapping them was entirely out of the question. At the end of the day no matter how much he cared about the Baudelaires, Violet was his main priority. 

Lemony shook his head slightly. Killing Olaf might be the only option. Wouldn’t be the first time that Lemony murdered someone. At this point, Lemony didn’t care what his reasons were. He didn’t care if there were seemingly other options. The only way to end a nightmare is by making sure it no longer exists, and how do you make sure that a human being no longer exists? You kill them. 

Lemony hated that his mind was going to this dark place. But deep down, he knew killing Olaf would be the best option. He will never stop. He will continue trying to hurt the Baudelaires until his last dying breath. So why not make his last dying breath come sooner? 

“Lemony?” Larry asked bringing Lemony back to reality.

“Huh? What?”

“You’re crying,” 

Lemony quickly wiped tears from his face. “Sorry, I was listening...what were you saying?”

“Who’s Violet?” Larry asked.

Lemony’s eyes went wide as he pushed his foot on the brake. The taxi halted to a harsh stop, causing both men to sway in their seats. He turned to Larry. “Who’s Violet?” he asked.

“That’s what I’m asking you,”

“I-I don’t know a Violet…you must have misheard me.”

“No. I’m sure I heard you correctly. You said ‘I’ll never let him hurt Violet’,”

Lemony shook head fiercely. “I don’t recall saying that.”

“That’s probably because you were disassociating,”

“You can’t disassociate while driving,”

“You’d be surprised,” Larry replied. “So who’s Violet?”

Lemony frowned, sighing deeply. “Look, I don’t know what you heard or what you think I said. I’m exhausted. I am on the edge of losing the last bit of sanity that I have left. So can we please just drop it and never say the name ‘Violet’ again.”

Larry frowned but nodded his head. “Understood. You are under incredible stress. Do you want me to drive? Maybe you can nap.”

Lemony weighed the pros and cons of Larry’s suggestion. On one hand, he could get sleep, something that he so desperately needed. But on the other hand, he could have another nightmare or another lucid dream where he will say too much. His eyes threatened to close. He simply nodded as he unbuckled his seatbelt and switched seats with Larry.

The rest of the car, he looked remorsefully out the window as Larry did his best to maintain a friendly, enjoyable conversation with Lemony. Eventually, Lemony stopped replying and began snoring. Larry looked worriedly over at his sleeping pal, he knew this was taking a toll on Lemony but he wasn’t exactly sure why. What was Lemony’s connection to the Baudelaire children? He understood that they were Beatrice’s children and he fully understood Lemony’s connection and feelings toward Beatrice but it seemed to Larry that there was something in this connection that was missing. Something that Lemony was hiding. But he let it go. He allowed Lemony to sleep the rest of the way to the city.

_____________________________________________________________________

Violet paced around impatiently. She wondered where her father was. Usually, she allowed her father the freedom to come and go as he pleased. Knowing that his job called for it but after Jacquelyn had explained to her that he has enemies, she wanted him home as much as possible. She was sickeningly worried about him. She made herself a cup of coffee, glancing at the door every few seconds waiting anxiously for her father to burst through the door. 

It took her a few hours before deciding to use her time productively into finding her mother. She glanced around the apartment for possible hiding spots that her father might put something that he didn’t want to see all the time, in fear that it would break his heart each time he looked at it. She had two different spots for such an item. The first place was the same place that she had stored her failed grandfather toaster, which was under her bed. So she didn’t have to look at it anymore. She ran to her father’s room and threw herself on the floor and frowned when she saw that there was nothing under his bed except pairs of shoes. She sighed but looked towards her second guess, which of course was the closet.

Most people have skeletons in their closet, of course, Lemony Snicket didn’t have actual skeletons in his closet, but he did have metaphorical skeletons in his closet just like a vast majority of people and to Violet’s frustration, he had his skeletons locked away in a briefcase that was locked with a combination. The phrase ‘skeletons in one’s closet’ simply means they have pieces of their past that they would prefer not leave lying around. Because they are painful or incriminating or would create unnecessary clutter. Whether it was because it was beneficial to his personal health if it were hidden away or that he didn’t want anyone else knowing of his dirty little secrets. In the case of Lemony Snicket, both reasons applied. He didn’t want to be constantly reminded about the heart-break that this skeleton delivered to him and he also was trying to hide this depressing truth from his daughter. 

She pulled out the briefcase glancing at it at every angle. She could tell that a mere lockpick wasn’t going to do. She was going to have to crack the combination. She stared at the briefcase with pure determination written across her face. She knew that combinations are usually three numbers. She looked at the lock on the briefcase. When she flipped the briefcase over, she saw a similar insignia. This shocked her to where she dropped the briefcase on the floor and pulled out the spyglass from her pocket, studying the front of it. How have I never noticed this before? She pondered as she stared at both the briefcase and the spyglass. What else had VFD’s signature? 

Her eyes got wide as she grabbed her locket and looked it over. Searching desperately for the familiar insignia. She smiled when she realized that her locket was not branded in any way to the cult that both of her parents had found themselves in. But she did wonder how her father was able to hide this briefcase from her, especially considering the many times that the two of them have moved. She sighed as she took a quick glance towards the front door. Still nothing. She was both relieved and worried, but there was nothing she could do. The only thing she can do is just sit around and wait for him to get home. She debated whether or not to call Jacquelyn and ask her for any updates pertaining to her father. But she didn’t know if Jacquelyn would even give her any updates seeing that her father was being super secretive about this whole thing. 

She glared at the lock on the briefcase, surprised to see that it was not a simple lock. She played with the three dials realizing that this might be a bit harder than she thought. Seeing that, unlike usual briefcase combinations lock each dial would have the digits zero to nine on each, but the one her father possessed was obviously custom-made either for him or for his cult as a whole because each dial had double digits. She turned the dials to see how far numerically it would go and each dial stopped at the number twenty-six. Violet eyed curiously at the dials, if Violet wasn’t an intelligent young woman, she would have only simply recognized that twenty-six was a very odd, but yet very specific number to stop at. But Violet was a very intelligent young woman and although she was right to think that twenty-six was an odd number to stop at, she understood why VFD would give their members briefcases that stopped at that specific numbers.

Going back to her research about how VFD uses codes, she knew that sometimes when coding you can substitute letters for numbers and vice versa. She smiled as she twisted the dials of the briefcase. The first being twenty-two, the second being the sixth letter in the alphabet and finally the fourth. She tried to open up the briefcase but when she tried to pull it open, it made a sharp noise indicating that it was still locked. She sighed. Well, I guess VFD isn’t as narcissistic as I had hoped. She turned all three dials until they were each on random numbers. Can briefcases permanently lock you out if you try too many combinations? She was sure that it couldn’t, but this wasn’t a normal briefcase that she was dealing with. This was some custom-made cryptic briefcase most likely manufactured by a cult in hopes of keeping their dark and terrifying secrets. 

Maybe VFD isn’t as full of themselves as I thought...but maybe my Dad is. She thought to herself as she turned the first dial to twelve for the letter ‘L’, she counted on her fingers to figure out what number the letter ‘P’ would represent on the numerical alphabet, she started from ‘L’ and counted four fingers making the ‘P’ the sixteenth letter in the alphabet and then she twisted the last dial to nineteen for the letter ‘S’. Once again, the briefcase made a harsh noise when she tried to open it. She glared at the briefcase. Okay, so Dad isn’t as predictable as I hoped. 

She then looked down at her locket. Violet, you fucking idiot.  She thought to herself laughing a bit as she began to put the numerical equivalent for her mother’s initials. She had to remember what her middle name was. Her father had told her a few times but it wasn’t information she thought she’d desperately need. She knew that it was the same as her middle initial, ‘M’. She believed her name was Beatrice Morena Baudelaire. She wasn’t entirely sure, but she did know that the way she remembered the first letter of her birth mother’s middle name was simply because she and Beatrice shared that. Another thing that Violet realized that both she and her mother’s middle name’s started with the letter that had her father’s favorite number as it’s numerical equivalent, which was thirteen. Her father had always told her that sometimes even the unluckiest of things can have a silver lining somewhere you just have to look for it. And for that reason, he had always declared that thirteen was his favorite number. To many, it was considered unlucky and cursed but to Lemony it was a number with a bad reputation. As she stole a glance towards the door noting that no one was coming in, she quickly twisted the dials to the second number of the alphabet, the thirteenth, and the second. Again, the briefcase indicated to her that she was entirely wrong with the combination. 

She was getting super frustrated. She was so close to grabbing a kitchen knife and cutting the leather of the briefcase just so she can read the secrets that she hoped it contained. She took a deep breath, slowly calming herself down. She knew if she cut through the leather, she would have to explain to her father what she did. She wouldn’t be able to obtain another briefcase like this one. Well, maybe she could. She wasn’t sure if Jacquelyn had a spare but maybe she could gift Violet a spare but the only problem with that she wouldn’t know what combination her father used so she’d still get caught. 

Besides Violet wanted to be the one to catch her father in his web of lies, not have him catch her in her own web of deceit. She wanted him to learn of her discoveries on her terms, not his. So she knew she couldn’t vandalize the briefcase, no matter how much she wanted to. She didn’t know how often her father revisited the skeletons in his closet and she wasn’t taking any chances. 

She stared intensely at the briefcase trying to think of any other three number combinations her father would potentially use. She’s tried V.F.D. She tried his own initials, L.P.S. She even tried her mother’s initials, B.M.B. In a flash of realization, her frustrated expression turned into one of disbelief. She facepalmed and rolled her eyes at her own silly self. She gave a small laugh as the most obvious combination came to mind. She quickly turned the first dial to the twenty-second letter of the alphabet. Violet. She turned the second dial to the thirteenth letter. Malina. She turned the last dial to the nineteenth letter of the alphabet. Snicket. Immediately, the briefcase popped open. She smiled. Sometimes the most obvious answer is right in your face. She told herself realizing that her father was predictable, just to the level of predictability that you severely doubt. She didn’t think her dad was that predictable but here she was after putting the numerical equivalent of her initials on the dials of the briefcase’s lock with the briefcase completely opened and more of her father’s secrets in front of her eager eyes. 

Violet looked down at the contents of the briefcase and stared at the one thing she wanted to find but she doubted she would. Violet was fortunately correct in her assumption that within this briefcase, her father had locked away the two hundred page book written by the woman he loved, her birth mother, that explained at great length and in specific detail the reason she could not marry him. Violet understood her father’s desire to hide something like this, if it were out in the open, he would find himself reading it over and over again as if his darling Beatrice was bringing him bad news every day and every night of his life. 

She frowned as she pulled out the pages and she gently swiped her fingers across the top of the book. Her mother’s handwriting was so beautiful. The way she wrote ‘My Darling Dearest’ in the header amazed Violet. She glanced at the letter noticing that the first page was torn stained and there was no doubt in her mind that the rest of the pages were tear-stained as well. Violet smiled as she grazed the red ribbon that her mother used to tie her letter together with her fingers. She smiled. She got her ribbon obsession from her mother. She glanced down at the purple ribbon that she had tied to her wrist. 

She decided to tie up her hair before she began to read the letter. She tried her best to be prepared for whatever it was she was about to discover. Her curiosity was taking full control over her as she began to read. She turned page after page, hungry for more answers. The entire time she was admiring not only her mother’s handwriting but her writing skills. She realized right away that her mother was a lot like her father in one aspect when she wanted to be cryptic, she was vague and very confusing. There were parts of the letter where certain details were omitted entirely or things pertaining to VFD were vaguely mentioned. As her mother had explained in the letter, this was due to the fact that she wasn’t sure if the carrier crows who had the task of delivering this letter would be able to find her father. Which that part didn’t make much sense to Violet. Her father was on the run after her birth...wasn’t he? That’s how he ended up with Violet. Everything was alright until after her birth. But that timeline wasn’t making sense in correlation to the one provided by her mother in this letter. From what it sounded like, it sounded like Beatrice was still pregnant with Violet. She even mentions that she is nervous because this is her first pregnancy. Violet didn’t have any siblings, older or younger so she had a feeling this was talking about her mother’s pregnancy with her. Which made Violet think about the telegram. At first, Violet had thought that maybe that was a different pregnancy, but if there was a completely different timeline than maybe she was the baby being discussed in that. It would make sense. Because if her father and mother had any other children, wouldn’t they be with her and her father? A sad thought came to the forefront of Violet’s mind unless she didn’t want me but wanted the other baby. She frowned. She shook her head, trying to convince herself that that wasn’t the case at all. Her mother seemed super excited about her pregnancy, so why wouldn’t she keep Violet? 

All of a sudden a dark thought took hold of her mind. She wondered why her father wouldn’t tell her the correct timeline. Each time he spoke of the tragic events that led to Violet being in his custody, he always mentioned that it happened after Violet was born. That he and her mother parted ways after her birth. But in this letter, her mother is telling a different story. She didn’t know much about Beatrice’s character, so she didn’t know if she could believe everything out of her mouth, but unfortunately, she did know Lemony and she recently learned that her father was a chronic liar. But the question on Violet’s mind was why would he lie about the timeline of events? What was he hiding from her? There was only one reason that Violet could think of for her father lying about something like the timeline of events and she didn’t like the thought at all. She hated this thought. But can you blame her for thinking such a thing? When you don’t have much to go and you have to fit pieces into a puzzle, sometimes you end up with pieces in the incorrect spaces because you jump to conclusions or you force the piece into the spot. Violet wondered if her father kidnapped her after all. She knew that she was biologically related to Lemony, there was no doubt about that. But during separations, there are custody battles and sometimes when one parent does not like the outcome of the custody battle, they do something drastic like take the child and run. Even if the parent is related to the child, the authorities still consider this kidnapping. So could this be one of those cases right now? Her father was on the run and even presumed dead so maybe he couldn’t fight a custody battle or maybe he did but he lost because of his background. So in desperation, he kidnapped Violet taking her far from her mother. Sadly, it was in the realms of possibility. VFD does kidnap children. So they had probably trained both her parents on how to successfully kidnap a child without getting caught. 

Her heart sank. Or did he kidnap me to recruit me into VFD? She shook her head at that nonsense. If he wanted to recruit you, he wouldn’t be hiding all of this from you. She told herself. Unless he realized that recruiting her might reveal his deep dark secret...or he had a change of heart. Jacquelyn did mention that I should be a year into my apprenticeship. Violet shook her head fiercely. You’re driving yourself insane, Vi. Get a grip. He’s your father, he didn’t kidnap you. He has his reasons for being secretive and it’s not that...it can’t be that...can it? Violet was not entirely sure what to think anymore. Everything relating to her father and VFD was dark and cryptic. She couldn’t tell if she was completely on track or so far off that it’s laughable. 

The timeline that played out in the letter was driving her insane. She didn’t know what was true or not, because she didn’t know Beatrice personally. But as she continued to read on, she was slowly starting to dismiss the ugly custody battle theory because, throughout the letter, her mother is sweet and compassionate. If an ugly custody battle had ensued than wouldn’t she be bitter, spiteful, and petty? 

Violet also realized that there were several parts of the letter that seemed to be in codes. Different kinds of codes, it looked like. But these passages were scattered all around the letter. She only thought this because there were a few passages that her mother had underlined ‘ring’ even if it was in a larger word like ‘daring’ or ‘tampering’. She remembered that at the movies, she’d hear a faint ring and her father would lift the spyglass to his face until she heard another faint ring. Could this be the same code just written down? Were there different variations of this code and many others. She rubbed her temples in frustration. How confusing was this fucking cult? Is that how they got people to stay? Confuse the fuck out of them and pique their curiosity with questions that they desperately wanted answers to? That way they’d sink so far into the rabbit hole that they couldn’t escape because their thirst for understanding would just grow throughout the years because they refused to leave without every answer since they didn’t want to admit they wasted all that time, energy and resources on nothing. Maybe there was no way to find all the answers. Maybe some questions had no answer at all. Again, to keep their members around until they figured everything out. Honestly, Violet wouldn’t put it passed them. It was starting to feel just like that. Every single time she answered a question, five new questions formed and this was the case with this letter. 

She had taken a break from reading to glance at the door to make sure her father wasn’t on his way in. No way she was going to let him catch her now. She found the jackpot.  She took the time to go retrieve her commonplace book. In case she needed to write down further questions and answers. 

When she returned to the letter she began reading a passage about her mother spending some time developing a botanical hybrid. She wasn’t entirely sure what that meant but she knew she couldn’t ask her father to define those words. He’d ask too many questions. Questions she couldn’t answer because she wasn’t a skillful liar like him. There was a strange mention of an island, that she and the new man had stayed at. Violet assumed that the way that this was all worded that it was either a part of some code or maybe her mother was being vague about her vacation to keep her location a secret from anyone who intercepted this letter.

She was happy to see that she was able to find the questions that her father had answered in his letter. But she didn’t pay much attention to those because of what her eyes had caught. Her mother was vaguely explaining what happened one night when they both made a decision that changed their lives forever. She assumed that this would be more important than knowing if she was correct with her assumptions of the questions that her mother had asked her father. 

As she read her mother’s vague explanation, her heart dropped. She didn’t know the full implications but it seemed to her that her mother was expressing guilt about a ‘mission’ that VFD had ordered her parents and two other members to do. She sees her mother explaining that ‘ she knows that Jacques had advised them both to stop coming into contact with them because it will be dangerous for both of them…’ she tried to remember who Jacques was. She believed that was the name of her uncle. But she wasn’t sure, she had unfortunately never met any of her family outside of her father. She continued to read on rolling her eyes at her mother’s vagueness when writing. She understood her mother’s possible reasoning behind this, this letter was meant for one set of eyes and those were her father’s. No one should be reading this letter, so her mother can be as cryptic and vague as she wants as long as she made sure that Lemony fully understood her. She sighed. If her mother had sent this in a more normalized way and not carrier crows than maybe she wouldn’t have been super paranoid about it getting into the wrong hands. 

As she read on, she could see that her mother expressed great guilt about her involvement in VFD’s crooked plot and how she knew that Lemony had felt equally guilty if not more since he was the one who convinced the other three that they should go along with it. Violet’s curiosity was intensified, she desperately wanted to know what VFD had her parents do. Her mother described it as heinous and morally ambiguous. She even quoted Lemony saying that he once described it as ‘a wicked deed being done for a noble cause’ and that he had even asked himself ‘what choice do we have?’ Beatrice went into detail how she believed that if they had stayed together, she believed they would’ve worked out but feared that they would be a constant reminder of this mistake they both made. Beatrice also went into detail (although in Violet’s opinion, her mother was beginning to be too vague again), that she didn’t want her father to take the blame at all. She was willing to confess to her part of the crime. 

Violet shuddered at the word ‘crime’. What did they do that was so horrible? She asked. Did they kidnap some children? She wondered, again, going back to the fact that she had recently learned that the cult that her parents had fallen victim to, kidnaps children and forces them to ‘volunteer’. Then her eyes caught on to one single word that sent Violet’s mind and heart spiraling down for different reasons. Her mother had written the word ‘ murder’ . Violet closed her eyes as she allowed this to sink in. 

Now as I’m sure you know, there are two very popular definitions for the word ‘murder’. One definition is used less often than the other for obvious reasons. But I will tell you both anyway. ‘Murder’ a phrase which here means both a group of crows and the act of killing another human being. Obviously, when Beatrice Baudelaire had written the word ‘murder’, she was not talking about a group of crows. She was talking about the act of killing another human being. So as Violet read the vaguely worded sentence that contained that specific word over and over again, her mind went into a frenzy. 

Her father had always been on the run since she was young. Although, if the letter’s timeline was the correct timeline, he was on the run a little before she was born. But either way, he had been on the run for as long as she could remember. He had always explained to her that it was because of false accusations that The Daily Punctilio had written about him. She believed this because anyone with half a brain cell could tell you that The Daily Punctilio was the most unreliable newspaper you’ll ever find. I mean, do you see who is the editor and chief? Elenora Poe, Mr. Poe’s wife. It would make sense that incompetence was attracted to incompetence. But Violet was seeing a written confession from her mother, although it was vaguely worded, it implicated that the so-called lies printed about her father in the newspaper were actually true (well not entirely, he did take all the blame for this and he did have three accomplices). Violet thought she was going to be sick. She didn’t want to believe that her parents were murderers but here it was in her mother’s shaky handwriting. She rubbed her temples and sighed angrily. She wanted to understand more about this...about this particular piece of her parents' history. 

She wanted to see if her father was correct in his assumption that they had done a ‘wicked thing for a noble reason’. She wanted to understand what exactly transpired to cause this chain of events that ended up with her mother retracting her proposal acceptance. She wanted to understand the actual timeline of events because she had two different timelines that were both equally as confusing. She wanted to understand just how far her parents were in VFD’s mindset to see how brainwashed they were. She didn’t want to see either of her parents in such a dark light. She wanted to find a logical explanation for all of this. But unfortunately for her, as she finished reading her mother’s letter, taking notes here and there. Gaining more questions than answers, as per usual. She was left with her curiosity eating away at her brain. She was left with every dark and twisty thought that she had when she was reading the letter. She felt like she was almost ready to question her father. She wanted to wait just a little longer and see what she can find.

She realized that the sun was setting and her father wasn’t home yet but she didn’t want to risk it. She wiped her tears from her eyes as she placed her the letter back into her father’s briefcase. Closing it up and making sure it was locked. She now knew the combination so being able to reaccess it would be simple. 

She decided to wait for her father to arrive home, hoping that he was safe. Even if she found out some scary secret about him and her mother today, it didn’t change how she looked at them. Well, not entirely. She still wanted to meet her birth mother and she knew the man her father was. She knew murder was wrong, but she hoped that they had a good reason. It wouldn’t change what they’d done but it’d be easier for her to simply ignore their faults and continue on the way she always had. 

As she sat quietly watching the door, she did decide one thing. If VFD had ordered her brainwashed parents to murder someone than that was an ‘organization’ she wanted absolutely nothing to do with. Who knows what they’d force her to do and what happens when you refuse? Violet didn’t want to ponder that. Although, if VFD had threatened to kill her parents, she could understand why they chose to carry out those orders. Unfortunately, she may have to ask her father about that because nowhere in her mother’s letter was that even implied or maybe it was but it was in some secret code. But either way, Violet wasn’t going to get the answer to that specific question until she was ready to confront her father and who knows by that time, she may have more revelations to ask about. All Violet knew is that her head was spinning and she was sliding down further and further into the rabbit hole...but what choice did she have?

[easilydistractedbyfanfic]

Raven Reyes - Remorse and Forgiveness

I love the dystopian realm of The 100 and have since S1. I never participated in fandom until S5, but Raven has been my favorite female character from very early on, and I read discussions of her character with interest. I don’t always agree with everything I read, but I don’t love her because I think she’s perfect and can do no wrong - I love her because she’s interesting and layered, and her background and struggles have made her the strong character she is. 

One of the wider opinions I read a lot of is that Raven isn’t one to be remorseful of her actions, or that she blames others for things that she has played a part in as well - ie, holds Bellamy or Clarke more responsible than she holds herself. I have also seen her called selfish and that she doesn’t consider other people’s opinions because she thinks she’s right all the time. 

There’s particular interest in Raven’s traits and motivations because of so many unresolved issues & dynamics in S5, and a lot of people (myself included) think that S6 may help to address some of these missing conversations. I’m not psychic, I can only make educated guesses on what we’ll see based on what has already been shown, but I would like to take a few moments to point out some things about Raven’s character that I think might be too frequently overlooked when discussions of who she is come into play. This is not to say that I don’t think she has flaws - she wouldn’t be at all fascinating to me if she was perfect, and The 100 is nothing if not good at creating complex, diverse characters whose motivations are often muddied. 

So, first - while I definitely think that the triangle of Raven/Finn/Clarke is going to come back into play via the triangle of Echo/Bellamy/Clarke parallel because there IS unfinished emotional business there and of course this show likes its parallels, with regard to Raven, I see so many people say that she’s never forgiven Clarke for mercy-killing Finn. I think that perspective isn’t fully correct, though. Is there still some bad feelings there? Maybe - but, I’d like to see more people address the very real scene we got in 2x09 “Remember Me” that was short but actually told us a lot. 

After Raven was wrongfully accused of trying to murder Lexa and was tied to the pole and repeatedly cut (oh, Indra, you hurt my fave!), she is cleared by Clarke & Bellamy and Gustus is accused and ends up confessing he had done it. Later, we see Gustus tied to the pole receiving the same sentence, but it is carried out fully - the same exact thing that would have happened to Raven, that would have happened to Finn, that could have happened to Murphy. Raven is watching this, she’s felt at least 3 or 4 of the cuts herself, and she whispers out loud “This would have been Finn” while Clarke is watching Raven’s reaction. Raven turns to look over her shoulder AT Clarke and their eyes meet. Raven is clearly distraught, a look of anguish on her face. I know we aren’t given an entire conversation, but even if there is not full *forgiveness* on Raven’s part towards Clarke here, there is absolutely UNDERSTANDING. Raven understands that what Clarke did to Finn WAS a mercy, after experiencing it herself and seeing it happen to Gustus. We are deliberately shown this scene. 

We can consider that Raven may still be upset that Finn cheated on her, that Clarke caught his interest. She may or may not have unresolved feelings that result in anger or frustration with Clarke over this. BUT - keep in mind that we got a scene in 2x05 where Raven tells Clarke “I’ve been waiting out here all night” to check up on Clarke and the two have an obviously affectionate hug. This is plenty of time after Raven has broken up with Finn (that was in 1x10). If Raven was still holding a large grudge regarding Clarke and jealousy over Finn, this scene certainly puts that into question, or at least means it’s not something at the forefront of Raven’s mind.  

We can also consider that Raven may feel that part of the reason Finn died was because of his interest in Clarke - he went to that village looking for Clarke, after all - BUT... I go back to the 2x09 scene to tell us that Raven understands what Clarke did, and in fact I think it shows that Raven appreciates that she did it after having seen the result on Gustus herself. We have evidence of how Raven feels - on multiple levels - when it comes to Finn & Clarke, and I do think we have to reflect on the canon when we ask ourselves what she might STILL be feeling, or what might get stirred up by a Becho/Bellarke triangle in S6. In addition to time passing between Finn’s cheating and his death and the whole triangle scenario, we also have Raven’s own actions (the hug with Clarke, my belief that she shows understanding towards Clarke’s mercy killing, the rest of season 3, 4 and parts of season 5 that show them working together as a team among other things) that show that Raven isn’t actively holding a grudge. 

In S1x11, there is a series of scenes between Raven & Monty where Raven wants to dismantle a lot of their communication devices in order to make functional walkie-talkies for the delinquents. At one point she tells Monty she needs a component from their radio to use, but he says no because it is their only way to contact The Ark. Raven tells him The Ark’s not there, there’s nothing to hear from them anymore, and Monty replies that his family is up there - ie, he’s not ready to give up hope, he doesn’t want to take apart the radio and lose their chance of hearing from The Ark. Raven IS somewhat unemotional here - she says “I’m sorry” but takes the wiring off the radio anyway. 

To me, this scene does illustrate what some people say about her - that she ignores other people because she feels that her decision is the right one or that it’s the most logical. But even so, she acknowledges that she’s over-riding Monty with the “I’m sorry” and even more importantly - we get another scene between the two later in this same episode where Raven deliberately brings it up again. She says “Hey, I’m sorry, about before, really, and about your family.” She looks sad and remorseful when she says it, and Monty gives her a genuine “Thanks” in response. This scene also comes after Raven used Bellamy (and he used her too, that’s a whole other discourse) to rid herself of some of her conflicted feelings about Finn/Clarke (and she herself says it didn’t work). So I think it’s important to point out that even amongst her own personal issues, she recognizes that she didn’t show sympathy to Monty the first time around and that it’s weighing on her. So when she sees him again, SHE brings it up, SHE apologizes and acknowledges that she dismissed his perspective. This is not a character who is unfeeling or does not experience regret. 

Towards the end of 1x11, we get a rare scene with Raven & Octavia as they look for Finn and Clarke in the woods. Raven voluntarily confesses to Octavia that earlier that day, Raven had thought that things would be easier if Finn was just... gone. As in, the fallout from their breakup, Raven’s emotional pain over it, her unresolved feelings, perhaps jealousy of Clarke, etc. But now that Finn and Clarke are missing, Raven is expressing that she feels guilt for these feelings. Again, this is not a character who is unfeeling or shows that she does not have self-reflection. 

In 2x05, we see Raven helping Bellamy, Clarke & Octavia escape Camp Jaha through the fence so they can try to help those at Mt. Weather. Abby finds out about this and slaps Raven across the face (oh, Abby you done pissed me off over this one). Raven IMMEDIATELY sees Abby’s remorse even though we have a lot of hints that Raven’s mother abused her emotionally - and maybe physically, we’re not sure. Raven actually pushes a cup of water closer to Abby and stays at the table. Her actions both in this scene and in regards to Abby later show that Raven does not hold a grudge, in fact still seems to look up to Abby in a lot of ways (consider Becca’s Island in S4, and how Raven shares the ‘cure’ for ALIE when Abby sends people to rescue her before Praimfaya). In fact, I suggest that Raven would not feel nearly as betrayed by Abby over the shock-collar incident in S5 if Raven had not fully forgiven Abby over this slap.

In 2x14, we are shown Raven asking Wick for help with the acid fog. She says thanks to him, she shows frustration with herself that she can’t solve the problem. It is no stretch by now that we as an audience should understand that Raven puts a lot of pressure on herself to solve problems.  

In S3, Raven spent a good portion of it hijacked by ALIE. Everything she says after taking the key to the City of Light is influenced by that, by ALIE’s motivations. She calls out Clarke, Jasper, Bellamy - but this is ALIE’s influence making her say it. ALIE makes Raven try to hurt herself so that Raven will die before they EMP her, but once Raven is herself again in 3x11, the first scene we get of her speaking (other than crying out in pain), is her telling Jasper “I’m so sorry for all the crap I said” but then teases he deserved the punch in the face (they both laugh at this). The argument can be made that we do not see her apologize to Clarke or Bellamy, and we also don’t see a scene where she learns about what Monty did to his mother as part of saving Raven. As a fan of Raven, I know this next point could come across as defensive, but I do think it’s relevant that while they are focusing on stopping ALIE right away, Sinclair is killed protecting Raven (noooo!!!!), and that creates some trauma that certainly distracts from everything that happened. The 100 never lets us see every conversation or have resolution to everything we’d like, so we can only look at what comes after, and we don’t actively see a lack of connection between Raven with Monty, Clarke or Bellamy. We see Monty choosing to stay behind in 3x12 with Raven in order to work on ALIE issues, and in the same episode, Raven & Clarke hug goodbye and Raven & Bellamy exchange a fond arm squeeze when Clarke and Bellamy leave them behind. Raven hugs Jasper goodbye too and makes a move to do the same with Octavia but Octavia is hurt by the recent funeral of Lincoln and Sinclair and isn’t even looking at anyone. It is Monty who turns away from *Jasper* here, showing a broken connection. 

I mentioned that the 100 never lets us see every interaction, and I want to go back to 2 events that I think people might look at when they say Raven is not remorseful/doesn’t feel guilty for her actions. We have both Raven torturing Lincoln in S1 (for a cure for Finn), and Raven’s willingness to turn Murphy over to the Grounders instead of Finn in S2. Both valid concerns, and I think they do show that Raven isn’t a pacifist (she is not), and that she can be motivated by emotional issues (ie, losing a loved one). Raven chooses to torture Lincoln for information after Octavia and Clarke beg for answers and after Bellamy and others have already tried torture, AND after Finn has had surgery (via Clarke) and has stopped breathing. The torture is not her first option and I think there is desperation in her actions, her tone & words (he’s all I have). She also puts HERSELF in danger for Finn - she starts a fight with other Skaikru in Camp Jaha and punches a guard who she was afraid would turn Finn over in 2x08. This gets her arrested and she only is safe because Abby is the Chancellor. With Murphy, I think that she does feel guilty about what she’s doing, but her loyalty (and guilt) to Finn outweighs it, and her desire to punish Murphy for her leg injury probably plays a part too. She’s willing to put herself in harm’s way, so she’ll put Murphy there because that’s even easier. I think this is an acceptable loss for her but she doesn’t take pleasure in it. Does this make her a bad person or a worse person than someone else on the show? We could have a big discussion about it, but I would venture that it doesn’t make her any different than a lot of others who are still alive. I would also venture that Raven’s motivations are complicated here - she loves Finn as her family but also feels guilty that he took the blame for something she did (the spacewalking). When I look at the scene in 2x08 where she suggests giving the Grounders Murphy, her face is pretty stony, but then she will not look Murphy in the eye over it - she knows what she’s doing is wrong. When Finn stops it, she looks resigned but not outraged, and she doesn’t really push for her plan. When Murphy walks by her looking at her VERY accusingly (because he definitely feels betrayed here), she won’t look at him then either. She’s not proud of her actions, but with subtext I feel like we can - and should - feel like she’s been backed into a corner on what to do. She TELLS Clarke, later in the episode, that she owes Finn her life. This is certainly a motivating factor, rather than Raven just being a bloodthirsty person. 

In S4, I could go on and on and on and on (and on and on and on) about the scenes between Raven & Murphy. But here I will just sum up to make the point - there is absolutely no misunderstanding that Raven deliberately and obviously chooses to forgive Murphy, both with actual words and with a hug. 

In 4x04, I also think it’s worth pointing out that Raven tries to stop Luna from escaping the beach and getting back into the boat - first with a gun & threat, but then she changes tactics and talks about the innocent lives that will be saved by Luna, like the child that Luna loved and lost. It’s subtext, yes, but I think this conversation is Raven’s recognition that her decision to deprive Adria of the medicine (by rationing it) was not the right choice and that Raven understands that people deserve a chance more than she did before. She even asks Luna “don’t you want to give them a chance?” and then she puts down the gun and gives Luna the choice to stay or leave, even though Raven knows it could result in humanity losing what they see as its last chance via the nightblood. She asks Luna for help to save the others, and in this conversation, Raven points out her own weakness - her leg, and that she “...can’t do it herself”. This is an echo of how she asked Wick for help before. She also tells Luna that it’s not her blood that defines her, it’s her heart. This is Raven actively breaking her own cycle of choosing logic over her emotion (not letting Adria have the medicine). This is such an important scene for her! Raven had very logical reasons for not wanting to use the medicine - she told them all to Abby and Raven believed them herself. But - in 4x03 Raven does show that she is affected by Abby’s emotional plea to have the medicine despite the logic. Raven gets teary over it and tries to distract herself with work. Later, she watches Adria die, and even knowing that Raven was RIGHT, that the medicine did NOT save Adria, she still feels awful, feels responsible and sad about it. Her logic may have been the right choice but she still lets herself be influenced enough by this that she’s willing to let Luna go even when it is NOT the logical choice. This is not a character who believes that her way is the only way, this is not a character who does not consider other people’s feelings. 

In 4x08 “God Complex”, Raven watches the results of the nightblood test on ‘Baylis’ and is clearly horrified. In fact, Raven questions Clarke & Abby in front of everyone when the possibility of more testing is on the table, certainly suggesting an opposition for someone else suffering. She expresses opposition to putting Emori in the chamber next, she gives Murphy the kind of look that suggests understanding and empathy for his situation, and she castigates Roan for calling Emori a slur. She makes the comparison to what Mt. Weather did when they want to take Luna’s bone marrow against her will. This is not a character that doesn’t put herself in other people’s shoes, this is not a character without empathy. She is siding with those in weaker positions, with less power, and she is using her voice to share their perspective here. In addition, I would like to point out that she listens to both Murphy and Luna in S4 when they give her suggestions about landing the rocket in order to help make the nightblood - so what if they aren’t technically smart in the same way she is. She listens and learns from them and that is how the solution is found. 

In S5, we see Raven interacting with all of Spacekru in ways that suggest there are no lingering big issues to divide them from the past. IE, she and Echo aren’t shown arguing about Mt. Weather, she and Monty aren’t shown arguing about what happened with ALIE, she doesn’t seem to be holding a grudge against Murphy for her leg. Their issues seem to be in the past. However, Raven absolutely is shown having GUILT for not getting them down to Earth already. In 5x01, Bellamy makes a comment/criticism about it and Raven clearly takes that to heart in reaction - we see that she blames herself and Emori sticks up for her saying that it’s not due to lack of trying. In 5x03, Raven tells Bellamy “It has to be me... please, let me get you all home.” She lies and is willing to sacrifice herself in order to save the rest of them, and death is on the table here - Bellamy says he left Clarke behind to die and that he won’t do that again, which brings it up, and Raven mentions it herself when Murphy stays behind with her, saying “dying alone would have sucked.” So Raven knows that death is absolutely a possibility of this choice. And once again, we see her taking Murphy’s suggestion about the Eligius criminals in favor of her choice, showing that she’s again open to changing her mind/listening to others. 

Also in S5, as soon as Raven finds out that Clarke is alive via the walkie-talkies, the FIRST thing she wants to tell her is thank you - to thank Clarke for saving their lives. Clearly this has weighed on her. This also does not suggest to me that there is any kind of grudge over Finn that Raven has been nursing - at least not one that is in the forefront of Raven’s mind. 

Obviously I could talk about this all day. But the whole point was for me to lay out some aspects of Raven’s character that I think show that she does possess character traits such as empathy, unselfishness, willingness to listen to others, and that I don’t think she holds other people to higher standards than she holds herself. Of course she gets angry at times, she might want her own way and yes, she may feel that she is smarter than other people (I would argue that she has reasons for this though! LOL!). BUT - this is because she’s a layered personality and she doesn’t exist on a one-dimensional plane. To me, Raven is actually one of the MOST forgiving people on the show (another example, in 2x08 she tells Finn they will always be family and he admonishes her not to let him off the hook so easily, acknowledging that he did her wrong), so it’s difficult to read commentary about her as an unforgiving figure. I tend to see the opposite of that, and while some if it may be because I love her, I also think I have made the point here that canon shows us that she IS very nuanced and quite forgiving. 

Well... like my stories, obviously I can go on! Better go back up and add one of those cut line thingies. Anyway, if you stuck with me this far, by now you are aware I love Raven. But hopefully you are also aware, if you didn’t already know it, that she’s awesome and there’s no way in heck that she’s selfish or unforgiving. If S6 decides to lean her towards more of those traits, then I would ask if these are plot devices or character motivations, because just like the best dad on the show agrees, “And I choose Raven Reyes over those three hacks any day and twice on Sunday.”

[tracies-tales]

oh my gosh, if no one has requested it already, can you do #60 "sing to me" with egobang?? I love your writing so much and holy FUCK if that isn't the perfect prompt for them I don't know what is,,, and I know you'll make it even more perfect ❤

well dang i’ll certainly try to!! no one has requested it unless the tumblr staff are eating my asks, so thank you for the prompt!! buckle up kids:

Dan whistled to himself as he approached the door of the Grump House; he’d been overwhelmed with the positive response to his newest drop, “Danny Don’t You Know,” and it had left him in a giddy mood since watching the number of hits climb so quickly throughout the course of only the first day. 

He was smiling broadly as he entered the house, as always bringing a ray of sunshine into the building with him wherever he went. He’d already seen Arin’s car in the drive, so he knew Arin himself was present somewhere within. “Aaarin?” he called. There was no immediate response, so Dan tried again, “Awin, come on out you siwwy goose! We can’t do a show if you’ve been kidnapped for ransom.”

Dan quieted down to listen, still not hearing a reply. His face scrunched up in curiosity, knitting his brows together as he wondered if Arin had headphones on or maybe had a late night and was napping at nine in the morning. He shrugged it off and assumed Arin was too wrapped up in something or another. 

The whistling started up again as Dan twirled his car keys on his finger, hanging them on a hook and skipping into the kitchen. He grabbed a bag of Skittles from the top shelf, which only he and Arin could easily reach, before he glided down the hall to descend into the basement.

As Dan munched on the Skittles with gleeful abandon, he came to a halt at the bottom of the stairwell when he thought he heard the groan of an office chair. “Arin?” Dan said, mouth still full of candy. 

Dan frowned as he heard a distinct sniffle, followed by Arin saying, “Oh, hey Danny,” with a hoarse voice.

The response had come from the editing room, and if Dan wasn’t mistaken, Arin had been crying or was currently extremely ill. Either way, Dan jogged down the hall to the proper door and slowly pushed it open, noting the lights were all off save for the glow of the computer screen. He didn’t miss the fact that Arin had just closed a window so that Dan couldn’t see whatever it had been. Now that they were in the same room, it was painfully clear which of Dan’s two guesses had been right.

Tissues littered the desk and surrounded the trash can from failed attempts at tossing them out. Arin’s eyes were rimmed with redness, and he hastily tried to wipe a tear off his cheek. 

“Jesus, man,” Dan’s own mood plummeted at seeing Arin so distraught, “what happened?”

“It’s stupid, dude, don’t worry about it,” Arin rubbed at his eye.

“Oh fuck no, I will worry about it,” Dan retorted, moving to rub Arin’s back soothingly. 

“It’s dumb,” Arin repeated, avoiding eye contact. “I’ll get over it in like…thirty minutes,” he tried to force a chuckle, which turned into a gross, gooey cough.

Dan made a disgusted face at the sound but said, “Well I can get you over it in like…twenty nine, if you let me.”

Arin managed a real chuckle at that, “As always, you are infinitely helpful, Daniel.”

“I know I am,” Dan chirped, straightening and practically glowing with pride. “Now come on, let’s move to the couch and you can let me in on your secrets,” he bopped Arin’s nose with a finger.

Arin snorted just before his expression fell again. He stood and picked up a new tissue to blow his nose in, grunting a, “Blegh,” at his own mucus before they moved to their recording studio. When they’d both plopped onto the couch, Arin said, “So, like…it isn’t even about me, first of all.”

Dan raised a brow, “What, did you watch a video of a kitten making those mewing sounds while eating? I told you that’s dangerous shit, Arin,” he gently scolded with his mother-like impression.

“That was yesterday!” Arin snapped with a grin, making Dan glad to see he was at least responding well to humor.

“Well we can sit here with our thumbs up each others’ asses, or you can tell me what’s up straight.”

“Not us,” Arin made finger guns at him.

“I know that,” Dan drawled dramatically, unable to suppress a giggle. “But what’s wrong?” he asked, setting a hand on Arin’s knee to rub his leg.

Arin took a deep breath and said, “I was kind of reading the comments on your new video.”

“Oh fuck, don’t tell me. Some fucker decided to give his two cents about how I’m wasting my talent as a singer?”

“More or less,” Arin mumbled. “There were so many positive and supportive people, so I was already emotionally compromised, but then there was just…one major asshole. Told you it was dumb.”

Dan shook his head, “It isn’t that dumb. People can be hurtful. I’m just wondering why it impacted you so bad. I mean, you know not everyone can like my band.”

“Well yeah, but why can people not just leave their goddamn negativity to themselves? Just because they don’t like your style doesn’t mean they have to come at you like that.”

“Arin, you’re the only one that comes at me,” Dan smirked and wiggled a brow. Arin rolled his eyes and shoved Dan’s shoulder. Dan made a musical chuckle, then sighed, “I appreciate you looking out for me, man. Just don’t let those idiots get to you. Let them waste their time.” Dan slung an arm around Arin’s shoulders and drew him in for a hug, rocking them back and forth slowly.

After a moment of silence, Arin sheepishly said, “Hey, Dan?”

“Yeah, Big Cat?” Dan raised a brow at him.

“…Sing for me?”

Dan smiled, taking a moment to settle on a song and going with the mellow version of “Take on Me” from the Deadpool 2 soundtrack. Dan rubbed his hand along Arin’s arm, letting Arin tuck his head up under his chin. He shut his eyes as he lost himself in the song, noting that Arin’s breathing had evened out slowly but surely. 

When he trailed off the final lyrics, Dan kissed Arin’s head and said, “Your support for my career means more than anything in the world. It totally overrides asshole spew.”

Arin snorted and began to laugh, choking out, “Asshole spew,” into Dan’s shirt.

Dan burst out laughing as well, as that hadn’t come out as intended but now they were here. “Your support is the Clorox Wipes to their asshole spew,” Dan managed to say through the laughter.

Arin was crying anew again, but this time it was tears of mirth still due to the new phrase. Dan wrapped his arms around Arin and pulled him down to laugh in a tangled pile on the couch; he was just glad he’d managed to make Arin smile again. It was all he ever needed.