#I can’t describe how much of a chokehold this musical has on me

[the-and-sign-anon]

Just made a connection mid-meal that I haven’t seen mentioned by anyone else yet

The beat of Zeus’ message in The Horse And The Infant matches the beat of the siren’s warning in Suffering

The way it taps out when Zeus says “he will burn your house and throne, he’ll find you wherever you go” is at least quite similar to when the siren says “he will chase you high and low, so find a place he’d never go”

[artbychelcie]

Murder on the Dancefloor: The Chokehold of Oliver Quick

'Saltburn' has catapulted leading actor Barry Keoghan into our daydreams, revitalised music careers stagnant since 2007, and ensured we never look at a bathtub the same way ever again. It's delicious darkness has amassed a huge audience, some revelling in its lurid glory and others questioning what the f*** they just watched. There’s so much to say about this film, so many parallels and Easter eggs that tickle the brain notice - for today, I’m focusing on why Oliver Quick intrigued me the most.

As a devoted horror fan, some of the more controversial scenes served to stimulate rather than disturb… The vampire scene? That's just an average Tuesday night for some. The grave scene? Nothing compared to the visual impact Patrick Bateman’s hobbies. But what did succeed to unnerve me was the turning point of the film, when Felix suprised Oliver with a trip home for his birthday. You watch with stunned panic as she says his dad has been pacing all day waiting for him - in real time the web was unravelled and Oliver's traumatic background was quickly proven to be a façade. For me this scene positioned the 'real' Oliver to the audience, realising the person we thought we knew isn’t real at the same time his friend does. And this is where my interest peaked. For me, this film suddenly turned from a critique of the upper class, to a mythological study of a sociopath, and the subsequent events demonstrate how someone with an apathetic disposition could easily infiltrate and dominate a household of such wealth and status.

On a second watch, I couldn't help but laugh at Felix's naiveity as he pulled into the driveway of this enormous house, and noted that it looked as though his mother 'had really turned things around'. Anyone watching this would immediately question how someone allegedly suffering with severe mental illness and drug abuse issues manages to, in the space of less than 6 months, become the owner of a property of that scale. This small observation highlights just how out of touch Felix is anyone outside of his social class, and how Felix's pity towards Oliver, be it through kindness or ego or a convenient blend of the two, blinded him to the manipulation.

Another incredibly successful aspect of the film is the iconic soundtrack. It has brought some early 2000 musical classics back into the spotlight (we all know the best one) and I can admit I have listened to 'Loneliness' more times in the past two weeks than ever in my 26 years of life. The soubdtrack embodies the nostalgic and romanticised qualities of the film, set in 2006 before smartphones dictated every aspect of daily life, especially as a fresher. I may have been only 10 when Oliver Quick started university, it still made me long for the simplicity of this era of my life, when getting to know another person was fundamentally down to face to face interaction.

The choice to turn back time to the mid 2000s contributes to maintaining the mystery of Oliver's identity, depriving the characters of the ability stalk his social media profiles and forcing them to take his personality at face value. His manipulation, and eventual dismantling of the Catton family, was arguably possible through his ability to present himself without the hinderance of a digital footprint. There was no evidence available to anyone in Oliver's immediate circle of the sisters we found out he had, of the father that had infact not died, nor been an alcoholic drug dealer. So why did he lie?

In analysis I've seen online, many people contribute his deception to a need to be noticed by Felix, or in Oliver's own words, to 'perform' for his attention and friendship.

Revisiting the film, I picked up on certain phrases Oliver used to describe his home life, describing it as 'dirty' and proclaiming he could 'never go back'. To us, this sounds like the way you would describe his chaotic home life he described. But when the reveal comes, you can’t help but question why he’s adamant to distance himself from a seemingly stable, and privileged background.

During the scene, his parents also mention how he is the top scholar at Oxford, a member of the rowing team, participating in the school play... his chronic deception extends beyond the Catton family to his own. They also share with Felix that he was 'such a loner' and was 'so clever' that he struggled to make friends, both earmark characteristics of someone with sociopathic tendencies. This illustrates an individual who has never been satisfied, who always saw himself as superior, and who's fixation with Felix was just a desire to climb up and out of all the menial and average and into a position of absolute control.

The grandiose and self-absorbed lifestyle of the Saltburn estate allowed for someone like Oliver, whatever his original or developed intentions, to blend in without being truly seen until, both before and after death came knocking. The need to stifle emotional expression (We don't want to hear your American feelings, Farleigh!) and the uncomfortable obligation to uphold the British sentiment to 'Keep Calm and Carry On' gave him an invisibility cloak, blending in with his surroundings. It reframed Oliver's awkward disposition as one of politeness, and his manipulative sexual deviancy was guarded by members of the household behind a wall of upper class social etiquette.

I can safely say I have fallen into the deliciously depraved world of Saltburn, so much so I’ve felt like I had to write this. I love experiencing and analysing media, but this one really had me captivated. This is a maze will happily lose myself for weeks to come, especially when it comes to the complex and captivating portrayal of Oliver Quick - I would definetly sign my estate over to that beautiful crazy bastard.

[agentmmayy]

may rotation roundup

i can’t believe may is already almost over, just a few hours left. this month has been insanely busy yet very rewarding. though i didn’t listen to as much music this month, it has been nice to wind down and make this list and look forward to transitioning into summer 

walking on the moon - ruelle: ruelle always delivers. this is the type of song to listen to at blue hour when the world is quiet and resting but you’re holding your breath in anticipation of the next day. and of course i’m always a sucker for songs about the moon 

everytime- spotify singles - ethel cain: you ever been shocked by a song? the first time i heard this i just sat with my eyes wide open getting read to filth. this one has been haunting me all month. it makes me want to wear a white gown and step into a river or lake and just lay in the water and cry

music for a sushi restaurant - harry styles: i did not think i would like this song as much as i did during my first listen but after about the 30th one i couldn’t, and still can’t, get enough of it. the trumpets in particular have me coming back again and again 

fearless - lunelle: shared this earlier in the month with @152glasslippers who described it as dreamy and magical and otherworldly and perfect and it feeling like walking down a street at night and holding hands under the starlight and she’s so right. it’s a cover but it’s so refreshing that i didn’t even realize it was one the first few minutes of listening

same hurt - the head and the heart: i discovered this artist about two months ago and they instantly became one of my favorites. each song is as impactful as the last one. this one in particular has me in a chokehold. we are yearning. the lyric ‘hold me like a lost dream’ in particular came for my soul 

end of a dark age - amy allen: oh boy do i have a lot of feelings about this song. it’s creepy and off putting but at the same time endearing. the easy sweet melody almost eclipses the feral raw longing the lyrics are built on. it’s destructive and beautiful and terrifying and i love it

lazy lover - babe club: absolute bop! it’s bright and catchy and i can’t stop dancing to it. obsessed with the lyric ‘the only time we dive to paradise was surfing on the internet’ 

ranch water - story slaughter: the theme recently has been being homesick and imposter syndrome and this song perfectly embodies that and more. the chorus goes so hard 

grow - MUNA: this song has always got me screaming crying throwing up. it’s so sincere and instantly highlights how at this point in my life i feel like a stuck record, not moving forward or backward, just remaining stagnant. yet at the same time reminds me that i get to look forward to growing up even as i mourn my childhood and getting older 

dance in the mirror - kelechi: the 90′s vibes with this are unmatched. the most perfect song to sing along to 

[huangels]

eleven questions tag ☼

tagged by: @lstkpopflsgood ty babe !

rules: answer the eleven questions if you’re tagged, and then list another set of eleven questions for the people you tag to answer!

⇢ What do you think it could win on a battle: Water or Fire?

ever since i was little, i’ve ALWAYS wanted to touch fire…and i have once (well almost). i stuck my hands into a fire place when i was like 5 y/o ? but my mom saved me before my hand can touch the fire. anyway, weird ass story aside, i love fire but i guess it depends on the amount. like if there was an equal amount of both elements, then maybe water would win but it all comes down to the science of it because if the amount of fire is vast and of high enough temperature enough, it can evaporate the water quickly into steam which means it wins. but if there’s a small fire and a whole firetruck (wHOOP WHOOP) hose then of course the water wins. i would call it a draw, both elements are super powerful.

⇢ What do you love and hate the most? and why?

love — ok you’d think i’m exaggerating but i’m gonna say renjun. he’s my bias for a reason, he’s my ult of all ults foR A REASON. of course i mean he’s maybe not the thing i love MOST in the world but there’s just so much to love and appreciate i have for renjun. he’s beautiful and ethereal, he has so many cute features about him, like his snaggletooth (rip), and his dimple, and the two front teeth that kinda stick out, and his birthmark/mole on his hand. he’s also amazingly talented and caring (even when putting members in chokeholds). i just love him so much :’)

hate — hate is a strong word and i like to live my life without using the word hate too much so there isn’t really anything that i hate but for the sake of this question and this tag, i would say that i dislike slow walkers (maybe not the most but) they’re really annoying, especially if they’re walking in the middle of the sidewalk or hallway like hELLO people (me) have places to go.

⇢ Do you thing it’s really necessary for us to live with another person? To have a couple life?

honestly, there are many people that live their life without a significant other (wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend), so no i don’t think it’s necessary. a person can find love within other people and things without having to date or marry anyone. for example, love shared by friendship or families or pets or hobbies even. i mean it’s different for everyone too, some want the love shared in a romantic relationship. but it’s definitely not necessary to have a significant other. it’s whatever makes one happy that they should pursue it.

⇢ Are animals better than humans?

i don’t know if they are any better but they aren’t any worse than humans. of course, some might think that yes, animals are better and have more morals or something but that’s mostly because we have yet to discover or invent technology to understand animals. so it seems as if they are portrayed to be pure and innocent though it is nature and predators feed on prey and prey feed on plants that are needed for oxygen. so i don’t really know the answer but i do know that humans are corrupt in a way that animals are not.

⇢ Do you have a favorite something? If yes, what is it and why?

this is so broad my three brain cells are working hard to try to find an answer but i’ve got nothing so i’m gonna be boring and say my favorite animal is a dog bc they are precious and pure and deserve the world

⇢ What is your favorite music? Why?

i don’t particularly have a favorite genre of music, i mostly listen to what sounds pleasing to my ears ? but i do have a ‘style’ of music that i lean towards more and that is more pumped up/groovy/funky/unique/etc songs (ex: romance - shinee, fallin - mx, get it - tbz, monday blues - cbx, pretty boy - taemin, thunder - exo, etc.) it might seem like a weird description but basically songs that aren’t too slow or too fast, songs that have unique beats or melodies or lyrics. i don’t particularly like slow sad songs because it makes me kinda…sad ? like if i listen to sad or slow music, i just get emotional and think too much idk anyway. i prefer more upbeat songs because it’s like a dance party everywhere i go. (i still listen to sad music anyway bc [REAL EMO HOURS] also listen to baby by the rose thnx)

⇢ If you read, what is your favorite book?

i’m gonna be quite honest here…i haven’t read a book that i wanted to read (like picked out at the library or bought) in like years… i’ve just haven’t had the time to read books lately and the books i do read are for my classes or for reports that i didn’t particularly pick out for myself. but from the books i’ve read through my life, i really enjoy reading mysteries, thrillers, and sci-fi books. a good favorite of mine is ‘american pyscho’ (i love really fucked up shit i’m weird don’t judge) but i also like the book ‘the bell jar’ (also kinda fucked up story). i guess that’s what prompted me in my interest in writing mysteries or thrillers but i don’t have much experience in it so i’ll stick with fluffy short fics for now

⇢ Where do you would like to visit/live in?

i really looooove traveling !! though i haven’t traveled to that many places, i’d love to visit literally everywhere, doesn’t matter if there’s barely anything to do. living wise, if we’re being realistic, probably texas because real estate is cheaper and basically everything is cheaper, but if we’re pushing money and bills aside, probably back to china, up north somewhere idk lol ?

⇢ What is your zodiac sign? Talk a little about it and say if it fits you or not.

my zodiac is scorpio, and honestly i don’t know much about astrology except for the sprinkles of zodiac posts i see on instagram or tumblr sometimes. but from what i’ve seen around, scorpios are supposed to be sex driven, mysterious, cold, and bitchy, and i don’t think i fit into any of those traits lol. but my friend, who’s a big astrology nerd, says that my appearance is the LITERAL definition of a scorpio (idk what he meant so i just went along with it). i mean i guess i get it kinda ? bc my outer appearance is kinda cold and i’ve been told i have a resting bitch face so if i don’t smile then i look angry or mean (so i try to smile more now heh). but if there’s any other traits you guys know about scorpios, feel free to tell me bc i’d like to know !

⇢ What you think it’s your funniest moment til now?

my life is just a big fat boring so this took a while to think of (idk if this is the funniest bc i have the memory of a goldfish) but recently about a few weeks ago, i went to this cafe to have lunch with my friend and as we were eating my fucking statistics professor came in and my friend points it out to me. i didn’t know if i should say hi or not bc i didn’t know if she knows who i even am (bc i rarely attended that class since attendance wasn’t mandatory and math is my good subject) so i just ignored her. then she sat down at the table RIGHT NEXT TO MINE and then the fucking TA’s for the stats lab joined her and it was just hella awkward bc i think the TA’s remember me (long story short i was late for my final bc a bitch slept in and i basically begged while knocking continuously on the window for the TA to let me into the lab to take the final and they did eventually) so anyway i think they remembered me but i still didn’t want to say hi. my professor got up later and i thought they were gonna leave and i can finally breathe but then SHE FUCKING WALKS UP TO OUR TABLE AND ASKS MY FRIEND IF SHE CAN TAKE A PHOTO OF HER AND THE TA’S and at that point, i was about to scream. so my friend took the photo and i STILL didn’t say hi even though i SHOULD’VE then. and the whole thing was a mess and it wasn’t funny then but looking back at it now, i’m laughing my damn ass off at myself

⇢ Milk before cereals or cereals before milk?

if you pour your milk before your cereal, i’m gonna push you down a well and leave you there to rot

questions for you:

what is the first memory you remember? like from birth or when you were young?

what is the line between art and not art?

what job would you be terrible at? why?

what is your zodiac sign? talk a little about it and say if it fits you or not.

when people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with?

what age do you wish you could permanently be? why?

who is you ideal boy/girl? describe him/her if you can’t think of a person (list physical traits and characteristic traits).

what’s the most annoying question people ask you? why do you find it annoying? how do you usually answer them?

can money = happiness?

as the only human left on earth, what would you do?

what is your guilty pleasure? why is it your guilty pleasure and what sparked it to be your guilty pleasure?

tagging: @ohdaddy-nct @jaeehyuns @hyucko @jencto @jeno-screaming (only if you guys want to !! ) + anyone else who wants to do it :^]

[kxmberlyhart]

How we actually met (1/1)

Summary: Two ladies develops love online. They both travel around the world separately as their jobs. They only knows each others first names. Now they describe how they meet in person.

AN: Non Power Rangers AU. Modern AU.

So this is based off of a short film called Modern/Love starring Naomi Scott. You can choose to either read the story first or watch the video first. If you choose to read first, it will be spoilers for the video and vice versa so yeah… You choose.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZgDevrsszA It’s a great 10 minute short film and I highly recommend it.

Read on FF Ao3

They met online accidentally.

Trini was suppose to message a partner from work when she mistyped the username and started chatting with Kxmberly, a woman named Kimberly who had an icon picture of an aesthetic pink background and a silhouette of a women (Trini presumed it was Kimberly).

Meanwhile, Trini had the username TriniBee with the icon of a selfie, one hand covering half of her face.

It’s been 6 months since the two have been chatting online, they were confident with each other that the person on the other side of the screen was not a troll or some creep on the internet. At the same time, they also made a mutual agreement to no pictures and no last names until they meet personally just to make it more intimate between the two of them.

They both learn that their jobs require heavy travel. They asked where each other were in the world everyday.

Kxmberly: Dubai.

TriniBee: London.

Kxmberly : Tokyo

TriniBee : Mexico

But never did their locations match, also their busy schedules won’t give them time to meet. So after weeks of telling their location, they never bothered to learn where they are in the world.

They talked for weeks and those weeks turned to months. Kimberly had learned that Trini had been traveling all her life, moving with her parents since childhood and all that traveling made Trini want to travel more. Meanwhile, Trini had learned that Kimberly had lived in a Los Angeles suburb called Angel Grove, all her life. While Los Angeles is a big enough adventure for a night out, it never made Kimberly stay put in one place again after she moved out of her parents’ and got her current job.

Three months into chatting online, Kimberly had messaged Trini that she’s having trouble with her 3 week old boyfriend.

Kxmberly: I told him I’m bisexual bc it’s the right thing to do in a healthy relationship. That’s it I guess, we’re not together anymore. I’m glad I didn’t wait any longer otherwise he would’ve really hurt me.

TriniBee: You go girlfriend, there’s nothing wrong with being bi, I’m lesbian myself. I didn’t come out until I got out of my parent’s chokehold on my sexuality.

When they learned each other’s sexuality, their chats became more flirtatious. There’s more kiss faces and blush emojis being added to their messages. Their goodnight messages were something they both looked forward too whether they received right at nighttime or early in the morning, depending where they are in the world.

Trini had set up her laptop on the worktable of her hotel room after taking a shower. She had been thinking of how to ask Kimberly to meet up in a brave, sexy way.

TriniBee: Tell me where you are. I’m on vacation for the next two weeks. I want to meet you.

“Good enough” Trini shrugged her shoulders, pushed her chair back and laid down on her bed.

Meanwhile, Kimberly was lying down in her hotel’s bed, reading a book and listening to the music on her laptop when a notification lowered the volume of her music. Kimberly smiled, dropped her book and laid her body forward the bed, facing the laptop.

Kxmberly: Well, well, well. You tell me where our next destination is. I was going to tell you that I have a one week leave as well.

TriniBee: I will travel anywhere for you.

Kxmberly: Tell me about how you think our meeting will go.

Trini smiled and started typing.

TriniBee: Let’s say… New York. I book us a room to any hotel you want. We meet at the hotel bar…

“Then I whisk you away to Central Park” Trini says to herself as she types her words. She imagines a silhouette of a woman, she holds this woman’s hand as they walk. “We take a walk and get to know each other personally. We study each other’s faces, we make sure that this is real life and that I’m actually holding your hand instead of laptop’s keys.”

Kxmberly: Cheesy, so far.

TriniBee: This is my fantasy, you’ll get your turn.

“Then, you choose which pizza we get to eat. The dollar New York pizza or the $2,000 dollar pizza covered in gold that will make you shit gold” Trini laughed at herself, she remembers the new buzzed video about New York pizza. “That’s our dinner date. Cheesy indeed.” Trini said then typed. “You mentioned that you love the nightlife in New York, so I take you to ice skating at the rink instead back at Central Park since it’s still Winter”

Kxmberly: I’ve never ice skated before.

TriniBee: More the reason to hold you.

“After skating, we head back to our hotel room, order a bottle of champagne to celebrate. Then I kiss you” Trini whispers to herself, she hits send.

Trini waits for Kimberly’s reply.

Kxmberly: Too innocent for me. Not sexy enough

Trini read Kimberly’s message and it made her blush hard.

TriniBee: Oh yeah, Princess? Just playing it safe. Tell me how our first meeting goes.

Kxmberly: I will. It starts off fairly the same. Same hotel, same bar.

“Upon meeting you, I take hold of your hand then I wrap my arm around your waist.” Kimberly bit her lip as she spoke to herself and typed her words away. “First, we eat dinner. I actually take you out to a five star, three course restaurant. We talk, and like you said, we study each other’s faces to make sure it’s real. As we wait for our main course, I raise my foot up and down your leg”

TriniBee: Footsies? Junior high much?

Kxmberly: You complain now but you won’t be complaining when this really happens.

“We get drunk on champagne provided with our meal early.” Kimberly licks her lips and tries to imagine the woman she has fallen hard for. A no face. “After dessert, we leave. We head back to the hotel”

TriniBee: Already? You move fast.

Kxmberly: Shhh. Not done yet.

“Instead of going up to our hotel room, we sneak to the hotel rooftop, God willing we don’t get caught.” Kimberly starts to smile to herself as she knows her story is getting exciting. “We take in the view of New York City in our eyes. I stand on the edge, no barriers. I tell you to come stand next to me, you’re scared as you told me you’re afraid of heights but I take hold of your hand and promise to you that I will never let anything happen to you. We both look down, then back up just to watch the lights. We can’t see the stars but the stars are in our eyes”

TriniBee: Deep.

Kxmberly: I kiss you and we head to our hotel room. I packed a night lingerie and I hope you do too. I can’t wait to see that gap tooth you described.

TriniBee: And I can’t wait to see the mole you said you have on the corner of your lip.

Kxmberly: I can’t wait to see the woman I have fallen in love through electronic letters. We’ve shared and read each other’s thoughts and now it’s time to read and share ourselves physically.

Trini smiled as she read Kimberly’s message.

Kxmberly: Then we wake up the next morning, it’s all real and it’s not a dream. And that is how we meet.

TriniBee: That’s a lot to live up to.

Kxmberly: It is… But I believe in you

Trini stands up from her chair and looks out to the city of Los Angeles. “This is real. I can meet a girl in person without anyone telling me no. Those days are over.” Trini recalls all the times she had girlfriends in high school, moving to a new city, being heartbroken. Every girl she has fallen for has broken her heart.

Trini knows that this is real. This is special.

Trini goes back to her chair and faces her laptop.

TriniBee: Let’s go. Right now. Wherever you are in the world, pack up, head to the airport, book the next flight to New York. We’ll talk details when we get tickets.

Kxmberly: First to New York will have their dream meeting come true. See you there. Goodnight -kiss emoji-

TriniBee : Goodnight -kiss emoji-  

Trini closes her laptop and changes into something more suitable for flying rather than her pajamas. She shoves everything in her suitcase.

Kimberly does the same wherever she is. She just shoves everything inside her suitcase then checks out of her hotel, finding a taxi.

Trini does the same in her end, she checks out and heads for a taxi.

There is a moment. Where the stars align and fates collide, creating a perfect union.

Trini opens the door to the taxi after being told by the cab driver that he was heading to LAX, she lets him takes her luggage and places it in the trunk.

“Oh, I didn’t know I was sharing a cab to the airport” Trini’s body is halfway inside the cab when she stopped.

“Me neither… I mean… We can split the cost if you want. I won’t mind, we’re going to the same place anyway” The girl gave Trini a small smile and Trini got in.

“Thanks” Trini said.

The cab driver got in and started driving.

They looked at each other.

“Kimberly” “Trini” They said in unison. Their smiles dropped.

Fate sure is funny.

That’s how they accidentally met in person.

Hope you all enjoy! Anyone catch the Lemonade Mouth quote?

[toomanysurveys9]

Crush/Significant Other/Whatever Survey

1: Do they drink coffee?

occasionally but it’s not often.

2: Are they left or right handed?

right.

3: How do they do their hair? Facial hair? (If they have it)

he doesn’t typically do anything fancy. he sometimes uses gel, but that is so rare. he does get it cut every few months or so. and he doesn’t really have much facial hair. his boss doesn’t let him grow it out really cos it’s a bit patchy i guess and doesn’t grow very fast.

4: What’s their favorite animal?

dogs.

5: What is their relationship status?

married to me.

6: What is their favorite band/singer?

spose maybe? i don’t really know these days. i just know he listens to a lot of their stuff lately.

7: Are they more a cat or dog person?

dogs. he doesn’t really like cats.

8: What does their laugh sound like?

kind of loud, super contagious. good.

9: Do they know multiple languages? Which ones?

nope.

10: How old are they? How old are you?

we are both 25. i turn 26 twenty-two days before he does.

11: One word that describes them.

stubborn.

12: Do they have any pets?

we have two dogs.

13: What is their favorite TV show?

he likes things like futurama and bob’s burgers, and he also likes things like trailer park boys and breaking bad.

14: What is their favorite movie?

top gun. wayne’s world.

15: What car do they drive?

he usually drives the aveo because i can’t drive stick and the car seats fit better in the corolla.

16: What ethnicity and/or nationality are they?

white. only thing i know for sure is american (duh) and irish.

17: Where did you meet them?

middle school.

18: What was your first meeting like?

i mean. i think it was kind of cute. he “stole” my lunches and sat on my lap.

19: What is their zodiac sign? Are your signs compatible?

he’s a libra and i’m a virgo. i have no idea. but i don’t believe in all that anyways.

20: What month is their birthday?

september, same as mine.

21: What is your favorite outfit on them?

jeans and his red “dad” shirt.

22: Are they good texters?

nooo.

23: Your favorite feature about their appearance.

i love love love his eyes.

24: Your favorite thing about their personality.

he doesn’t care what people think of him, or anything else, i guess. but it can also be a bad thing.

25: Do they make you laugh?

yeah. i couldn’t be with someone who didn’t.

26: Do you make them laugh?

not as often as he makes me laugh but sometimes.

27: Are they good huggers/ kissers?

i guess so.

28: What is your favorite “flaw” that they have?

i don’t know.

29: Are they nice to strangers?

i guess so.

30: What is the funniest thing they have ever said?

i don’t know. there’s been a lot.

31: Saddest?

i don’t really know.

32: Weirdest?

there’s a lot of that.

33: Cutest?

when he talks sweetly about our babies.

34: Ever dreamt about them? What happened in the dream?

well, yeah. different things.

35: How tall are they? How tall are you?

5′7″ and i’m 5′2″.

36: Do they have a booty?

not really.

37: What are their hobbies?

fishing, basketball, skateboarding, video games, social media, racing for night of destruction at our local track.

38: What are their talents?

he can actually draw pretty good. making people laugh. being an asshole.

39: What would your dream date be with them?

picnic at a park while our babies play would be cool.

40: Does anyone know about your crush/love?

we’re married, and have been together over ten years. so yeah.

41: What do you guys have in common?

i mean, enough that we’re together. lol.

42: Do they go to the gym?

nope.

43: Do they go by their given name?

yeah.

44: What is their favorite color?

green.

45: How far apart do you live from them?

we live together.

46: What song reminds you of them?

one call away. cupid’s chokehold.

47: Do they listen to a lot of music?

kind of.

48: What do they smell like?

depends if he just got off work or not. lol. but usually old spice deodorant.

49: If they were in a book (protagonist or antagonist or supporting character, up to you) how would the writer describe them?

oh man. i really want to take the time to answer this properly, but i don’‘t know that i have the time. D:

50: How often do you see them?

we live together and we’re married. i see him every day.

51: The last text message they sent you?

it was a question mark because he was trying to get me to go upstairs to have sex even though i was trying to fill out the graduate school application.

52: The last thing they said to you in person?

i don’t remember. he wasn’t super happy with me.

53: What is the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you in front of them?

i don’t know. probably giving birth because you have no control over bodily functions and i was pushing for three hours with wyatt. luckily, didn’t have that “problem” when i gave birth to eliana.

54: Do they have any tattoos or piercings?

he has two piercings and one tattoo.

55: What color are their eyes?

brown. a lovely brown.

56: What is their clothing style?

comfortable. casual.

57: What is one thing that makes them really special?

he never worries. about anything. which is another thing that can be both good and bad.

58: Will you tell your crush your feelings?

we’re married with two kids. been together over ten years. i think he knows.

59: How long did you know them before you started falling for them?

we were friends for a year. i started liking him a few months after getting to know him.

60: Was there a defining moment when you knew you liked them?

not really.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, 5.27.2017 & 5.26.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard hot 100 this week and this week ten years ago

5.26.2007

32) "Straight to the Bank," 50 Cent

There's actually something interesting at the core of this song -- if you make enough money doing your thing to sustain yourself for the rest of your life, what motivates you to keep doing your thing? I understand why 50 Cent wasn't willing to explore that theme, 50 Cent isn't here to offer a treatise on ennui and what creative fulfillment means to him, he's here to point at stacks of money and claim ownership. I think "I've made so much money I don't have to rap anymore" would be a fun twist on the "WE DEFIED INSURMOUNTABLE ODDS TO MAKE OODLES OF CASH!" song. It would've been a weird-ass 50 Cent song, but someone should take that theme and run.

48) "First Time," Lifehouse

See, like, at least 50 had the decency to give us the nugget of a decent song, to present something with a hint that it could be something more. This just is what it is, an alternative/rock song that sounds like a thousand alternative rock songs before it with nothing to say except "love feels nice." But I'm in a weird spot where I'm not sure if I'm reacting to the actual song, or if I'm reacting to the idea of Lifehouse and all the connotations I've attached to the Lifehouse brand. I keep wondering: if this song or something like this made it to the 2017 song, would I find it a refreshing throwback? If some long-forgotten mid-aughts alt-rock track, The Calling's "Our Lives" or whatever, if that found new life amidst the EDM and pop/trap, wouldn't it seem like a fun change of pace, an actual almost-rock song instead of the usual novelty indie track? I'm pretty sure this song is bad, but it might be because being weighed against history means being weighed against the titans, whereas the standards are different (lower) for modern songs, because there's a more limited pool to draw from (five months, as opposed to all of history). Hard to tell if I'm judging this song or the context in which this song is released. We need a control for 2017. America: are you finally ready to give Tonic that second chance?

52) "Anonymous," Bobby Valentino ft./Timbaland

I'm no expert, but I'm reasonably confident that, if you're tryna get with someone, and they don't tell you your name, that means they don't want to fuck you. I don't think you're being #problematic, but I do think you need to do better at picking up on signals, Bobby. They're not even giving you a FAKE name! It's so easy to give a fake name! "My name's Jamie." Took me two seconds. IT'S SO EASY! If they're not even willing to do that, they just want you to stop talking to them! You're not being #problematic, that would be a bridge too far, but you need to do a better job of picking up signals. You can't make a song about how you can't even get someone to tell you their name. They rejected you, dude. Move on. (Maybe if it were the next day, when you spent a night dancin' and romancin' but they left before anything sexy could happen, and you're trying to track them down but can't find them because you can't remember their name? That'd be a cool thing! This legit sounds like dude doesn't know someone said 'no,' and not in a shitty "I heard yes!" Robin Thickey way, just a dunderheaed boy-just-don't-get-it way.)

72) "Tambourine," Eve

The least 2007 could do after shoving Timbaland down my throat was give me a Swizz chaser. I greatly enjoyed this! One gets why this song fell from the consciousness, it's a jam but it's not the song that gets the party started, y'know? And like all songs named after an instrument, there is not enough of the titular instrument in the track. I don't necessarily want it to sound like a second grade band performance, but I should have heard more tambourine than I did. But, yeah, hot party jam, always down for a well-executed version of a song with simple goals.

79) "Same Girl," R. Kelly & Usher

This song is fun, it's a foundational block of my relationship with my older sister, and it wasn't worth however many lives it cost to keep R. Kelly's name alive in our hearts.

83) "Vulnerable," Secondhand Serenade

more like glove-compartment admittance. for all i know, secondhand serenade probably actually did get big on myspace and i'm about to accurately describe this song, but this sounds like some fucking dude made a song in 20 minutes using his computer, uploaded it to myspace, and spent 4 hours picking out the right picture of him looking forlorn to put on his profile. you can hear the label executives looking at his picture and agreeing he's an 8, which is perfect -- hot enough to induce swooning, but just enough of an uggo to be approachable, impossible. ...oh no. oh no oh no it got me it got me run it got me you have to run you have to RUN BEFORE YOU CATCH IT TOO.

85) "I Don't Wanna Stop," Ozzy Osbourne

GOD YOU JUST DON'T APPRECIATE HOW AWFUL BUTTROCK IS UNTIL YOU LISTEN TO A REAL-ASS ROCK SONG. Ozzy was fucking 60 and swinging this sledgehammer. This fucking ruled. Remember that Bon Jovi nonsense from last week? THIS is how you do a late-career single. You fucking just remind people you've been doing this shit for 40 years by making a song you can only write with 40 years of experience under your belt. I heard the Bon Jovi song, I just heard a song. I heard this song, I heard Ozzy, I heard Zakk Wylde, I heard years of accrued expertise and experience, I heard fucking character, dude. I'm not even a metal dude, and I'm fucking into this song. This was great. Later, Breaking Benjamin. I can't in good conscience have your lilly ass in the Top 20 if you're gonna say you're in the same genre as this creature.

91) "Like This," MIMS

This is somehow the second track called "Like This" that 2007 has given us. The official music video for this song starts off with the hook for "This Is Why I'm Hot," because I guess the video is trying to give us what we really want. He also mentions "This Is Why I'm Hot" in the first verse, which, that's a bold move, to reference your hit in the second single. It's either swag, because you recorded both songs years ago and knew "This Is Why I'm Hot" would smash so hard that you wanted to give a shout-out to its inevitable success on the album, or it's safety, because you hurried this follow-up out the door and needed to mention the one thing you're ever gonna do. Either way, this song is mediocre 2007 pop/rap. It's as boring and listless as you would imagine the other MIMS song would be.

92) "teachme," Musiq Soulchild

This song about a man admitting that his confinement to traditional gender roles has made him emotionally unavailable and stunted would probably play a lot better in 2017 than I assume it did in 2007. I don't remember this song being that big a thing, but in 2017? Apart from being thrilled that someone in an R&B song is emoting, we'd also be stoked for a song that tacitly acknowledges toxic masculinity. This was pleasant! Musiq Soulchild dropped a song about fuck buddies and another song about the role gender norms played in his emotional upbringing, and I've appreciated all he's done!

94) "I Told You So," Keith Urban

OK this week's a pretty hot one for 2007. This is the fourth jam of the week, already quadruple the amount of jams I thought this week would have, and we haven't even gotten to the song I'm figuring is gonna be a jam. I forgot that sometimes country dude songs could have character! This song has a dope-as-hell instrumental break, an entirely reasonable amount of stops, and hey: Keith Urban? Pretty decent singer! This was rad. I keep forgetting "Alyssa Lies" exists, but were it not for that, this would be the lead contender for Least Worthless Country Dude song. Hell, I might even upgrade the title to "Most Acceptable Country Dude Song," since this and "Alyssa Lies" were both pretty great.

95) "Impacto," Daddy Yankee ft./Fergie

Oh. Oh no. Oh no! ...Oh, oh, I forgot. I forgot Daddy Yankee was once Very Bad. Oh, no. This is -- nothing about this is good. This is someone shouting over a beat that is also, somehow, shouting. I. I am going to stop writing this capsule? Because the longer I am writing about this song, the longer I am making myself thinking about this song, and I just, I'd like to very much not do that anymore.

98) "Get Me Bodied," Beyonce

DO YOU HEAR THIS SHIT, MIMS. THIS IS HOW YOU REFERENCE YOUR DEBUT SINGLE. You wait until you have an impressive catalogue of hits and an unassailable career, and THEN, you can shout out your debut single. Hey everyone did you guess which song I epected to be a jam? TURNS OUT I WAS RIGHT. The vocal work on this track is outstanding, like even for a Beyonce song it's ridiculous, there's a couple things Bey does on this track that made me laugh in disbelief. This is probably not even one of the 20 best songs in the extended Beyonce universe, and I'm still riding hard for it.

99) "All Good Things (Come to an End)," Nelly Furtado

so by this logic this song should have lasted forever OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHah we have fun here, but no this song was boring. like i know i have a tendency to check out with the last song of the week for both years, but i think it's justified in this case, because seriously it's timbaland and coldplay on the track, nah dude, i got cheers to watch.

The 2007 Top 20! Beyonce! Ozzy! 18 other songs you’ve been seeing for a while! 20) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 19) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 18) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 17) "Get Me Bodied," by Beyonce (5.26.2007) 16) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) Almost at a point where we can do Top 30s for each year! I don’t know why I comment after the list but here we are!

5.27.2017

64) "Malibu," by Miley Cyrus

This is a song where you have to be at least somewhat invested in the arc of Miley Cyrus' career for it to have maximum emotional impact, and I'm not, I'm very not interested in Miley Cyrus' journey or personal growth. Like, yay, the rich kid finally sobered up and is finally ready to accept the rest of their life with the vast fortune they have accrued, hooray for them, I'm glad something good finally happened to Miley Cyrus.

79) "Every Time I Hear That Song," by Blake Shelton

Oh good a country song about a different and better country song. Always a welcome addition to a chart, this type of song. Four people wrote this song. How does it take four people to listen to The Bro Country Song and say, "Let's do that again!" It's just, I have to come up with something relatively new to say about the same fucking country dude song every week, and meanwhile these four chucklefucks get to rhyme "mind" with "time" and call themselves PROFESSIONAL writers. Life's not fair.

89) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton

"Baby, you can go or you can stay/But I won't love you either way." fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk THIS was that chris stapleton shit i was lookin' for a couple weeks back. i haven't had time to get to from a room yet, not sure if i should do vol. i now or take it in with vol. ii, but god damn, this is what a country song is. this is pain, laid bare and unvarnished, nothing but a guitar between you and this dude's voice, which, i mean, chris stapleton is as born to sing country songs as kendrick is to rap, as beyonce is to sing anything beyonce desires. this is just a solid fucking song, and the entirety of nashville should feel endless shame for thinking anyone else should have had this song.

97) "Drinkin' Problem," by Midland

This was what I was talking about when I was talking about Lifehouse! This song is kind of a throwback, but it's only throwing as far back as Toby Keith, yet even doing an imitation of Toby Keith's occasional dad-humor songs feels so good, feels so right, feels so unlike the bro country song that it counts as a zag for country music. This is a song with clear, discernible influences, for which success seems like a happy accident and not the result of piloting the world's most efficient country hit-making engine! Maybe there's a chance I would find this trite and corny when weighed against the entirety of country music -- and honestly, being the country dude song following Chris Stapleton on the chart, hoof, that I didn't think this sucked should prolly give me a clue as to how great this song really is -- but given that Sam Hunt nothinged his way to the top of this world, I'm willin' to be down with this song.

Top 20! 20) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 19) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 18) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 17) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 16) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 15) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 14) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 13) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 12) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 11) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 10) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 9) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) Yo, look at “Despacito,” toppin’ the chart! I might have to actually listen to the remix. BUT THE ORIGINAL IS SO GOOOOOOOD THO. I don’t want to listen to Justin Bieber.

Who won?

2007. Great as “Either Way” was, 2007 just had more songs at a more consistent level. Like, “Either Way” is at least half a street ahead of “Get Me Bodied,” but “Drinkin Problem” doesn’t hold a candle to “I Don’t Wanna Stop,” and the other two 2017 entries aren’t worthy of mentioning alongside “teachme.” Easy W. Didn’t think it’d happen, but hey, 2007 was pleasantly surprising! Next week... I see what 2007 has for me next week. Gonna take a huge fuck-up from 2017 to even things up for ol’ 2007. Two Linkin Park songs. Two of them. Guh.

2017: 5 2007: 4

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: 5.12.2007 & 5.13.2017

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and this week ten years ago

5.12.2007

6) "I'll Stand by You," Carrie Underwood

I completely understand why so many people bought this. I don't think my life was improved by having heard this? But, y'know, it wasn't as melodramatic as I was expecting, maybe I picked the wrong video but it's just a nice well-sung acoustic cover of a song which I'm sure was construed as inspirational for the Idol Gives Back thing (and remembering that this was Idol Gives Back this week, yup, mm-hmm, definitely watched the wrong video), I'm glad there wasn't a thousand things happening, but like 2007 is supposed to provide a nostalgic rush, either consider a song we all knew and loved/hated back in the day or uncover a classic, and listening to this is just... Unnecessary?

8) "Never Again," Kelly Clarkson

The first line of this song is, "I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green," which is a hell of a thing to say. One can assess all the reasons why this is the only Kelly Clarkson single to chart in 2007 -- hey remember ten years ago when a record label could win a PR battle with a female artist seeking creative autonomy? Good times! -- but honestly, there's nothing wrong with this song on its own, this is a pretty superb, dark-as-hell break-up song, but it's also the sixth or seventh consecutive Kelly Clarkson breakup song? Like, her discography to this point is "A Moment Like This" and then a shitload of break-up songs, some anthemic, some mournful, and while I get why they would be sick of Kelly Clarkson break-up songs -- worth noting her next big hit was “My Life Would Suck Without You” -- if the 2007 public wasn't willing to hear the dark version of the kind of song Kelly Clarkson does extremely well, that's on them. This song is rad, and while I'm probably not gonna go back and listen to My December, I'm figuring that album is prolly a jam.

28) "Icky Thump," The White Stripes

...Do I have to like this song? I get that I agree with it, and I get that The White Stripes area thing people who like music tend to like, and this is the most I ever enjoyed The White Stripes' whole, y'know, thing (this and “My Doorbell”), but I don’t want to like this song. It’s just, I dunno, Jack White’s this whole person, and I don’t like engaging with that person?

56) "Up to the Mountain," Kelly Clarkson ft./Jeff Beck

yes just like the carrie underwood thing this was a very good american idol performance and like i wanna be snarkier but last week 2007 handed me seven country dude songs and, just, i would take a thousand american idol performances before another week with that many country dudes. given the alternative, this is the greatest thing i could have ever possibly heard.

65) "Signal Fire," Snow Patrol

So like, I graduated high school in 2007, right? That's kind of the connection to these songs, like, these songs would have been the soundtrack to my high school experience if I had friends who listened to pop and/or rap radio. (Hence all the buttrock appreciation in these posts. Like, real talk, Shinedown is a terrible band to which I have such a profound nostalgic connection that I routinely have to rewatch their videos just to be 100% sure that particular Southern rock band doesn't have any Confederate flags in them.) So there's a 10-year reunion coming up which I'm probably not going to go to, but like imagine a 10-year high school reunion. You see your friends. You love your friends! You are all very successful and beautiful! You see the people you hated. You greatly enjoy how fat they got and cheated on they were! You go to the punch bowl for some delicious, fruity punch, and you see the person that sat behind you in chemistry. They seem OK. You mention the crazy weather you've been having recently, and they agree, the weather is crazy. This song is that social interaction. It's a nice Braffcore song that I wasn't thinking about then and am not presently thinking about now.

78) "You Raise Me Up," Josh Groban & The African Children's Choir

...Yeah, so like, no? Thank you! But, no, I'mma sit this one out. I understand that we want different things out of life. I will not get in the way of this song's goals, and I will not invite it to impede mine. But thank you so much for bringing this to me!

84) "If I Was Your Man," Joe

I refuse to actively engage with this song on the grounds that even coming up with this angle for a capsule review required more thought and effort than was put into the writing and recording of this song. This is a middle slider in song form. They couldn't even be bothered to give this artist a name. "Joe." Joe doesn't even stand for anything, he's just a fucking guy named Joe who wants to date someone and enjoy all the attendant benefits. Sometimes, you hear a song, and you're taken to an amazing world or shown a new aspect of life or filled with the inspiration needed to tackle the day's problems, and this song is like, "Meet Joe! Joe's a dude who has a crush on someone," and Joe doesn't say anything or even wave his hand to acknowledge you. He just sits there, moving nothing.

93) "I Don't Need a Man," The Pussycat Dolls

"I don't need a hand if it only wants to grab one thing." In addition to the world, the 2016 presidential election also ruined my ability to enjoy a 10-year-old Pussycat Dolls song. Also, Kara DioGuardi. It makes sense that Kara DioGuardi and Donald Trump would describe the female anatomy in equally clumsy ways. Maybe there was no way for Kara DioGuardi to know that, ten years after this song was published, the term "grab" could reference something other than the ass when used in reference to a woman's body, but she's bad and this song is trash so I'm definitely going to hold it against her.

99) "Sexy Lady," Yung Berg ft./Junior

...I am going to applaud this song for having the audacity of using a "Diamonds Are Forever" sample. Like, Kanye doesn't own the rights to the song, and it's a completely different beat, but it's still kinda weird to turn on a song and say, "Oh, hey, someone used that song as a sample in a song I like a lot more!" And like how are you going to use the "Diamonds Are Forever" sample on a song that isn't about diamonds at all? The song doesn't mention jewely of any kind. Like, I don't know, maybe Yung Berg has always been famously anti-consumerism and I just never bothered learning that about him, but if you're a pop/rap artist in 2007, and you're going to take a sample from an iconic song about material goods, hey, I'm not a songwriter, but maybe write verses about material goods? This is as weird as a song can be without having an ounce of originality.

100) "Wipe Me Down," Lil Boosie ft./Foxx & Webbie

One weird thing about 2007 songs is, so like, when I listen to a song with, say, Lil Yachty on the track, I hear every single disgusting thing Lil Yachty has to say about the things he wants to do to a woman, and which parts of the woman he would prefer to do them to. And then you listen to a 2007 track, and there'll be half a verse missing because the record label was scared that their video would be deleted from the internet if they said the n-word. Apart from the unnecessary censorship, I dunno, this was kind of the standard Southern-pop/rap song. Repetitive to the point you just give in and enjoy it, not really about anything in particular, just annoying enough to be memorable but not annoying enough to be appreciated ironically. There were always gonna be dry spells. 2007 is very much in one, Kelly Clarkson notwithstanding.

The Top 20! With infinitely more Kelly Clarkson than ever before! 20) "When I See U," by Fantasia (4.21.2007) 19) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 18) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 17) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 16) "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin (4.14.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) Alright. 2007 had a bad week. 2017 didn’t fuck up Kendrick week. Is it gonna fuck up Paramore week?

5.13.2017

44) "There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back," by Shawn Mendes

So before I even listen to a single note, the inconsistency of the title's abbreviations has me peeved. Why would you abbreviate one word but not the other? Is one g much more special than the other? Does Shawn Mendes pronounce the g in nothing, but not the g in holding? Because I've heard Shawn Mendes sing, I'd be surprised if he hits the "th" and the "ld" in those words. /// You know what? I'll give it a "not as bad as the title." I don't come away from this song having made any new conclusions about the world or Shawn Mendes as a person, so I can't really argue that this was worth the three minutes of my life it took, but it's not Joe-level nothing, so hey! It has that going for it!

64) "Lust for Life," by Lana del Rey ft./The Weeknd

I'm not here to make a judgement call about the modern adolescent experience in relation to the one I went through. I think this song is fine, it's actually kind of great in a way I'm not gonna bother to place, but I think that it's worth noting that the modern teen's "Hot in Herre" is this. There's a lot of value in a sad song with the "take off all your clothes" refrain, again I dug this, but I didn't dig it enough to try to figure out why that might be, because I'm just thinking about what a jam "Hot in Herre" is and how I think I've heard like maybe two great party jams over the course of this project. We had "Run Up," you guys. The teens don't want to party. And, I mean, why should they, it's rough out there, maybe they deserve to just shrug when they see their boyfriend approach and say, "Huh, he got a little cooler. Le sigh."

68) "Attention," by Charlie Puth

Not gonna lie: when I saw that Shawn Mendes and this dude were on the ledger for this week, I thought the milquetoast white boy army was gonna ruin this W for Paramore. I thought the weight these two idiots would add to 2017 would give the W to a week in 2007 with a Kara DioGuardi joint. But just like the Shawn Mendes song, this was acceptable! In fact: I would give this a B-! It's not as drastic a zag as when Ed Sheeran dropped "Sing," but this is reasonably funkier, a degree of funk which I never would have thought Charlie Puth capable of achieving. I think this song might be his ceiling, I can't imagine having as good a time with Charlie Puth as I did with him here (especially now that the element of surprise won't be in play), but, y'know, solid three and a half minutes. Not the worst!

87) "do re mi," by blackbear

Ah, so THIS is where we were keeping the unexceptional white boy! I knew he had to be hiding somewhere! This is the song you write you have completely purged your life of everyone who told you that you weren't clever. This is the song you write after having no one around to tell you that the fact of a curse word isn't edgy on its own. "Do re mi fa so fuckin' done wit' ya" is a garbage line because the shock is being solely derived from the use of the f-word, and that can only get ya so many times; by the time he repeats it for the sixth time, you'll think it's do re mi fa so lame he couldn't think of anything cooler to do with the conceit than recite the scale then swear. You're a songWRITER, dude! You tellin' me you could only think of one pun based on the scale? OSCAR HAMMERSTEIN AIN'T GOT THE MONOPOLY ON SCALE-BASED PUNS, YA KNOW. SO MANY OTHER WORDS BEGIN WITH FA. TRY HARDER.

90) "Hard Times," by Paramore

gosh this song fucking rules. y'all mind if i'm just a boy writing a diary for a second? because this is a song about me. i'm someone with a defeatist attitude, i'm the exact sort of person who meets hard times by giving up, and that's what this song is, it's a song about giving in and feeling defeated. they're not looking back on low points in their life and saying, "gosh, can you believe we made it?" they're sinking deeper and deeper still into a depression and saying "how the fuck do we survive," and that's such a beautiful sentiment, especially in the trump era, where i'm sure a lot of us are still shellshocked and feel the task is too tall. but they're putting this happy, energetic face on it, this song is this bouncy uptempo jam about being incredibly depressed, because it's easier to pretend you don't need help than it is to ask. i love this song. i don't care if it falls off the chart next week, it's the new #1.

93) "My Girl," by Dylan Scott

...I think I'm just feeling generous today. I'm willing to give this a "didn't mind it." Am I amazed that they just keep finding new dudes to make this exact country song? Yeah. But, it's like the Shawn Mendes song, there just isn't enough in here for me to react negatively to. The Eminem reference is probably the most exotic shoutout in country music going, and especially refreshing because I'm still angry at "Johnny Cash" from last week, and the dude has the bass country voice going, he has that earth-shaking twang instead of that nasal fuckboy twang a lot of these dudes got going on. It wasn't as engaging as that "Hurricane" thing from a couple months ago, so I'm still gonna call it bro country, but this is probably the least I'll ever mind bro country. Congratulations, Dylan Scott! Of all the bro country chucklefucks, you have emerged as the least chucklefucky!

Top 20! Only one new entry! It’s an important one. 20) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 19) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 18) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 17) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 16) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 15) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 14) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 13) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 12) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 11) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 10) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 9) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 8) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) May you last longer than “Run Up,” “Hard Times.” 

Who won?

2017. Neither had a great week, apart from one exceptional song from both sides. “Hard Times” is simply better than “Never Again,” is what it comes down to. And now: 2017 has the lead for the year! 2017: 4 2007: 3 Looking into the future, 2007 has four songs. 2017 will be entering “Young and Menace” probably. ...I already don’t like next week.