#I can only imagine it looks weird as hell to people outside of the loop. Which is most of our artblogs followers and notes. oops.

[pokemon--masters]

We keep thinking about how we collectively, accidentally chose the name of one of the most recent rival/player characters and somehow didn't fucking realize. People on our artblog seeing Lullaby Glitchy tagged as Rei must be so fucking confused.

[melpomenismask]

Revati, The Messiah.

I’m going to give you a look from the outside in, because I get what you guys feel about Revati naks. We are also watching ourselves in real time. We are aware of how strange it all is, ourselves, our lives, the world around us. But when you already know how things will go, are not confused by the basic existential concept of cause and effect, what the hell are we supposed to do with this big, long, messy trap everyone else calls life? When you can understand everything you see—given you can see yourself—how do you even life a life without knowing every step you take is not your own, but a part of a dance that starts from the womb and ends when you never come back?

Oh, and, everyone thinks you’re either the second coming of christ, or that other guy who shows up when it’s time to get a bit more silly.

Welcome to the Revati conundrum. We hate it here too. That’s why we’re laughing through it. You just don’t get the joke. You think all this stuff matters still. Sorry to see it. Let me know when you’re ready to chill out.

I am a Revati sun AMK in the 12th house and it is time for me to cook 🤓. I love being a Revati. We are everything and nothing. We are simultaneously in and out of the loop. We are the loop. We are the bridge between “reality” and the true order of things. And then there’s all this other stuff. …Yay…so..cool…

Revatis are fundamentally esoteric. We are magical and zany, and we only have to open our eyes to use it. This is no easy task, of course, but it is the only one that matters. Everything else is just noise. But, the noise is fun. Sure. Until everyone takes it far too seriously like that’s all there is to being a person. Then you judge us. Then we’re suddenly crazy, bizzare, unhinged, dangerous. We’re just bearded kids playing in this big, weirdly realistic sandbox. We’re not thinking of you. That’s our power and our flaw. We’re not thinking of you, we’re thinking of everything. If you can grasp that axiom, you will decode us very easily. We love and care deeply—so deeply we have to laugh at how awful everything is. How cruel and selfish and heartless everyone seems, and how it could be fixed if we just followed the obvious guiding signs.

But that’s the thing. They’re not very obvious, are they?

Well then, maybe I should tell everyone what they are!

People think what you’re saying is crazy, and there’s no proof. Maybe we are crazy?

Oh.

Maybe I am crazy.

Maybe I can make it fun.

Revatis usually get no mind nor sympathy when we are young. We are too different and confusing to even try to work with, and we understand things most don’t, but we aren’t sure either, so when no one else gets it, what else can we do other than laugh at the confusion of it all. Because maybe then you’ll let us hang around. Join in.

Right?

Crazy, Crazy Revati!

We literally don’t know what we’re doing. That’s another thing. They sound like the same, but they aren’t. Is that already too confusing? Boo hoo, welcome to Revati. As a Revati, I was born into the world with the sense that there was something bigger than what was around me going on, but with no proof and no sense of where to find it. So I just screwed around instead, and then I found out everyone hates fun Revati. And, I didn’t get any less ignorant than before, but I sure did walk all over everyone in the process!

It’s fair to not be pleased.

Fun Revati is weird. Fun Revati is laughing at jokes that are definitely at your expense. Fun Revati does not care if you feel bad, because it’s not about you, it’s about how you and everything are just so hilarious. Imagine waking up everyday walking over two left feet in “reality”, but with a bunch of mysterious spiritual gifts and esoteric knowledge that is oddly making things work out for us. Most people do not understand Revati while carrying its energy, so understand they are likely confused too, but trying to find the sense of things. It’s when they don’t want to admit they are wrong or have harmed others that the problems start. We look for rules, but the only rules we ultimately get is to have fun. Make the world brighter, happier. Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the world. Enjoy the world, you learn more when you explore. Try not to hurt people in the process. And be sure to smile. Smile, because everything is so sad. Smile, because everyone is so sad and lost. But we know where to go. We’re being led.

…Well, kinda.

Mostly?

I feel like there’s someone else better qualified than me to give you wisdom. I’m just Crazy Revati, remember?

Why are you all looking at me all of the sudden?

Revati, The Wise One.

I find it interesting how the planets resonate as motivations for nakshatra behavior. For my own analysis, I like to point out that mercury is a small, fast planet. We are on the outskirts because we are light years ahead of everyone around us without trying, it’s just what we were given. The downside of that power is that we are light years ahead of everyone without trying. Mercury is smart. It knows it’s smart because no one can keep up. But it is so small and everyone picks on it for being so smart. So it gets bitter. Jealous. Resentful. Hurt. Scared.

Stronger.

Mercury never has to stop. That is our curse. We are constantly moving and making things happen. But what is actually worth making happen. Why are you moving so much? What the hell is going on?

Revati stops.

Revati listens.

Revati, with time and support (and patience) understands.

We are all born children, and we all enter the world as if it is an blank canvas as for our own lives. For most other planets this becomes clearly not the case, but Mercury is too fast. Reality can’t even keep up with us. We’re so smart. We’re so clever and brilliant. We’re on top of the world. We deserve it. We should take everything for ourselves. No one ever considered us, so we should take everything we can get. It ours. It’s owed. We deserve to take the world, and we can. It’s justice, not greed. Don’t you know what I’ve been through?

Hello, Jyestha. Dodging therapy sessions, I see.

When you master the game of life, when you can conquer the world like you can wag your pinky, then it’s not that important anymore, is it? Unfortunately Jyesthas don’t figure that out until they destroy all they build, but Revatis slow down sooner. We are still in conflict. We’re so fast we start slowing down. Nothing is ever in perfect order. Nothing is ever “clear”. But that is the clarity.

Everything is as it should be.

That is the truth Revati natives live by. We follow the flow of existence as beat we can. We try to help the world get in tune with it too, hence our humanitarian and nerdy streaks. We want to find a way to make everyone understand, because we can feel how much the ignorance hurts. We see it hurting innocents who only committed the crime of having bad luck, we see it fueling those that are the root of the cause. We try to laugh. But it’s not a laughing matter. And at a certain point, it’s just not funny anymore, and we have to slow down to fall in tune with how out of order yet in order everything is for our own sanity and sensitive hearts.

Still, we are ever misunderstood.

If we are not jesters or fools, we are gods. Messianic. Heroes. We don’t think of ourselves that way if we’re well-adjusted. That’s the opposite of the Revati way. There is no pride, no ego, no leaders, no hierarchy. There is simply Being. We focus too much as Revati as a mere fish, but fish are a part of the whole. You forget, the ocean is one big soul. You forget the ocean of existence, of all things. After you conquer reality, the only thing left is to understand it. And to reach true knowledge, you must leave yourself behind.

Ironically, it is by doing this that Revati natives finally get what they always wanted. To be able to help, to be able to understand, to know what they’re doing. We are tour guides—inexperienced, but just give us minute—to this whole funny game called life. It is at this point Mercury finally slows down and can join in with everyone else; share what it has learned and gathered from all that running instead of keeping it for ourselves.

(Seriously, Jyestha. Therapy. It’s painful to watch you guys make messes. Literally get over yourself and your problems will “magically” disappear. With love, it’s genuinely stupid behavior if you’re so smart. Get over it all and watch the light come in. Obviously not all of you, but the ones who got personally offended. Doesn’t it ever get boring, the same old victim mentality?)

When Revatis finally come into themselves, we are finally able to help everyone else smile about life too, because we know where to find hope, where to find love, where to find certainty (spoiler: there is none). We think it’s obvious until we finally slow down and open ourselves up to our bigger, slower friends. Mercury is clever, but not exactly smart. That’s a whole other ballgame. But it is wise once it finds its way to stop running, and just start riding the waves, because it can show everyone else how to do it too.

As long as you don’t turn us away, that is.

The “ocean” of life is big and wide, unfamiliar, unpredictable, and Revatis are born native to it. We are moved by the waves. We connect with our friends while we wiggle our little fish butts all over the sea, trying to learn as much as we can. When you are one with the sea, you no longer have to fight it to get what you want, where you need to go. It’s not easy for us either.

But we see you. We see how much more lost you are. It surprises us, but we are soft people. We see you, and we want to help. And when we are done, we can finally join the ocean in its grand design, and leave the need to smile behind. It seems harmless, I know. There are worse things to cling to. But when you have all heart and no clarity, when one thing hurts, everything hurts. And we can truly feel everything. We can find joy in it. Even gratitude. Even power. Even freedom.

But we no longer need joy when we are at peace.

That’s what this is all about in the end.

I think.

Maybe.

From a friend. :)

[makoodlesarchive]

(this beat is)

pairing: kirishima eijirou x reader

word count: 2648

warnings: NSFW, drunkenness, dry humping

Tip Jar!

  [[PART 2]]

                                      »»————-　♡　————-««

The music in the club is so loud that you can see the reverberations disturb the surface of your drink where it sits on the table. You have to move it every couple of minutes to avoid Mina’s flailing limbs as she tries to tell a story to Jirou; she doesn’t seem to realise that no one can hear her over the music, though Jirou is smiling and nodding along anyway.

The alcohol has turned your thoughts soupy and slow, and you sprawl comfortably in your seat with your head cradled in one hand. Across the dance floor, you watch as Kirishima begs the DJ to play One, Two Step for the fourth time that night. Judging by the poe-faced DJ, it’s not going well. Suddenly your view is obstructed by a pink hand waving in your face, and then Mina is. pressing right up into your side and yelling into your ear, “Oooooooh, who are you looking at, huh?”

You flush, and pray that she can’t see in the darkness of the club. “No one.” you say quickly, but Mina can’t seem to hear you over the pounding bass. Either that, or she’s ignoring you.

“Did someone cute catch your eye?”

“No!” you insist, louder this time. You lunge for your drink and take an exaggeratedly large gulp of it -- it has the desired effect of distracting Mina, who cheers loudly and encourages you to chug it. 

Someone thumps down into the seat next to you, and you don’t even have to look to know that it’s Bakugou. He crosses his arms and scowls so fiercely that it looks for a moment like his face is about to collapse. “Kirishima is totally fuckin’ wasted.” his snarl carries over the music, and he directs his frown over to where Kirishima is still heckling the DJ.

“Yeah.” you agree with a little laugh, following his gaze. The way Kirishima’s red shirt clings to his broad shoulders should be illegal, and those black pants make it hard for you to tear your eyes away from his ass. He looks so good that it feels physically painful to look at him. When you finally manage to look away from him, you realise Bakugou is watching you watching Kirishima with a raised eyebrow. “Fuck off.” you say reflexively, despite the fact that Bakugou hasn’t actually commented yet.

His raised eyebrow morphs into a smug little grin that you’d love to smack off his face, but you also like having your arms connected to your body so you decide to let it slide. “None of my business if you want to admire the view.” he says, a little mockingly. You glare at him, totally ineffectively, because he barely seems to notice. A few moments pass where neither of you speak, and then suddenly Bakugou says, “He’s so drunk that I had to take his keys.” 

You blink at him, a little confused. “Yeah?”

“Mhm. He’ll need help getting back to his place.”

“Probably.” You agree; Kirishima has given up on trying to coerce the DJ into playing classic early 2000s pop hits and is now weaving his way back to the table. It’s slow going, as he keeps misjudging his own size and bouncing into people only to ricochet backwards, barely keeping to his feet. He’s an absolute disaster, and you can’t believe how attracted to him you are.

Your crush on Kirishima is an embarrassing thing that began back in your UA days; you were in the General course, so you figured there was virtually no chance of him ever even noticing you. It got better when you befriended Mina, because apparently her entire group of friends came as a package deal, but you definitely were still stuck pretty firmly in the friendzone.

You’d be able to cope with it just fine -- it’s not like it’s the first crush you’ve ever had, and nobody even knows about it. Except for the fact that Bakugo fucking Katsuki of all people seems to have somehow found out about your secret crush. Normally that wouldn’t be such a huge deal. Bakugou really isn’t the kind to give a shit about trivial things like who has a crush on who. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, he seems to get great enjoyment out of watching you pine after his best friend. It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing, and you mostly try to pretend that you don’t notice his stupid shit-eating smirks whenever he catches you ogling Kirishima’s abs in his Pro Hero costume.

“Guys!” Kirishima yells as he finally reaches your table, swaying dangerously. “Guys! Let’s do more shots!”

“Hell no.” Bakugou shoots him down instantly before Mina gets the chance to cheer. “I’m going home.”

“Bakubro.” Kirishima affects a ridiculous pout which somehow manages to look really endearing on him. “C’mon man, one shot for the road!”

“No.”

Kirishima rounds on you immediately and just about blinds you with his grin, “Y/N! Shots!”

“Okay.” you hear yourself agreeing, which is stupid because you were supposed to agree with Bakugou. You blink rather stupidly as Kirishima yells and fist pumps the air before disappearing again, then turn to stare at Bakugou.

“Idiot.” Bakugou says, and you’re not sure if he means you or Kirishima. “Whatever. I’m leaving.”

“Yeah.” Mina agrees with a yawn. “I’m pretty tired too.”

“Will I tell Kirishima to forget the shots?” you ask, scanning the club for spiky red hair.

“Yeah.” Bakugou says slowly, “Why don’t you do that?”

His tone is a little weird, but honestly you’re too drunk to think much of it so you wobble your way to your feet and take off towards the bar. Kirishima isn’t difficult to spot, even if you weren’t as ridiculously attuned to his presence as you are. You push your way past people and wiggle your way into the bar to his side. When he notices you he grins, his teeth gleaming under the neon club lights. “Hey! I got the shots!”

“Bakugou says-- whoa, how many did you get?” you blink down at the five shot glasses lined up on the bar. “I think we’re the only ones that are actually going to be taking them.”

“We can split them, then!” Kirishima says happily, totally unbothered.

You eye him a little uncertainly as he leans heavily against the bar. “Are you sure? You’re… you’ve had a lot to drink.”

Kirishima nods along as though he thinks you’re talking nothing but sense, then pushes three shot glasses towards you and pulls the remaining two towards himself. “There we go,” he grins, “Fair! Now drink!”

You were intending on telling Kirishima that you didn’t have time to do the shots, and that you both were already drunk enough without adding shots to the mix, and plus Bakugou’s getting real antsy about getting home. Instead, you take one look at the way the corners of Kirishima’s eyes crinkle when he smiles and you toss back the three shots like the dumb bitch you are.

Kirishima cheers you on, laughing delightedly, then loops his arm in yours and tugs you back toward your friends. The problem was, when you got to the table there was no one there.

“Is this the right table?” Kirishima asked, confused, swaying a little. 

“Yeah.” you say, frowning deep. What the hell? Where did everyone go?

You think of Bakugou’s weird tone, of him looking from you to Kirishima and saying ‘he’ll need help getting back to his place’. Oh no. He wouldn’t. Except he was Bakugou, and he absolutely would.

“That bitch.” you blurt, disbelieving. He really left you both here, knowing that Kirishima wouldn’t be able to get home without the keys that Bakugou had taken from him. 

“Hey, are we going home now?” Kirishima asks, leaning his chin on your shoulder and talking right into your ear.

You shiver a little at the proximity and at the hot breath against your neck. “Um,” you say, a little helplessly, “I think you’re gonna have to stay at my place.”

“Great!” he says cheerfully, still swaying as he loops an arm around your waist and begins to escort you out of the club. His balance is shot and yours isn’t much better, so it ends up taking an embarrassingly long time for the two of you to weave your way out of the building.

The fresh air outside hits you like a slap, but instead of sobering you up it just makes you realise exactly how drunk you are. You trip on a curb and nearly overbalance, but then Kirishima is wrapping an arm around your waist to steady you and giggling into your ear and you realise that you are totally, totally screwed.

~

You can honestly say that you have no idea how this happened.

One minute you and Kirishima are giggling drunkenly and getting ready for bed, and the next you’re perched in his lap on the bed kissing so heatedly it feels like he’s about to swallow you whole. The shots had hit you like a train when you were halfway home; you can’t even remember who kissed who first.

He’s really warm and he tastes like rum, and you find your hands winding into his hair; it’s softer than you expected, a revelation which nearly knocks you flat. You’ve wanted to touch him like this for forever, and the heady sensation of his warmth pressed against you is making your head swim even more than it had been already.

His hands skim up your bare thighs -- you had stripped down into a sleep shirt and panties, thinking it was time for bed. He pulls away from your mouth and you make an embarrassing sound, like a whine pulled from the back of your throat. “Are you-- this is okay?” he asks, nipping along your jaw.

“Yes.” you breathe, clutching at his shoulders. You can feel the firmness of the muscle under your fingers as you press down. “Definitely okay.” The nipping continues at your jaw, then travels down your neck. “I-I really like you.”

Kirishima looks up, eyes wide and a little bloodshot. You can’t imagine that yours look any better. “You do?” when you nod, his face breaks out into a grin. “I like you too! Can I-?” he begins, and you feel his hands sliding inside your over-sized shirt, thumbing at your hips. Feeling bold, you lean forward and capture his lips again. He groans softly and pulls you closer to him, his hands sweeping over your waist and then down to the swell of your ass. His touch feels good, even through the drunken fuzziness.

“You can do whatever you want.” you mumble into his mouth. A part of you is a little mortified at your boldness, but it’s a small part that’s quickly washed away as Kirishima surges up into you. In a movement too swift for you to follow, he has you flipped onto your back as he leans over you. His hands feel hot as they pass over your skin, and you press up into him as he leans down to kiss you again.

The kiss only lasts a moment, and then he pulls back to look down at you. His breath comes in light puffs, hot against the side of your face, but he doesn’t say anything. You’re just about to ask what he’s doing, suddenly worried that he’s come to his senses and wants nothing to do with you anymore, when he moves. Suddenly he’s pressing right in between your legs, and your mouth falls open as you feel the hot, hard press of him against the inside of your thigh.

You’re afraid to make a noise, because you don’t want to interrupt the moment -- it feels fragile, like a soap bubble -- but then Kirishima’s hands are stroking over your ass and hiking your body higher, and then pulls you so you fit right up against him. Despite the alcohol, his movements are sure and strong, nothing like his wavering movements from earlier. It’s so easy to feel him; he had stripped down to his boxer briefs and shirt when you had first gotten home, so the only barrier between you two is the thin material of your underwear. When he moves against you again, you can’t stop the long, low, quiet moan that comes spilling out between your lips.

It’s as though your moan was some sort of signal for him, because suddenly he’s gripping your waist tighter as his own hips jerk against yours. He gasps in your ear as he thrusts himself against the warmth between your legs, then kisses the side of your head. That easy little display of affection has your back flexing, pushing you down to meet him as he humps against your core.

“You’re so warm,” Kirishima whispers into your hair, “You look so good- I wanna- really good,” he continues, a little nonsensically.

You cling to his shoulders, squirming as you feel the thick outline of his cock pressing right against your clit. “There,” you blurt, gasping as he presses there just right, “Yes, there-”

“Okay, okay,” he breathes, “Whatever you want-”

It’s a little embarrassing, how good it feels and how much of a mess you’ve turned into when you’re both technically still clothed. You’re basically just dry-humping, but the feel of Kirishima all around you and his breathy little moans right in your ear are winding you tighter and tighter, and every time he rubs up against you like that it feels like you’re boiling.

“Please,” you gasp. You don’t even know what you’re saying really, only that the feel of him rubbing against you like that, just right, is driving you insane. As you gasp, he starts to go harder, faster, “Like that, yes, yes, yes.”

One of Kirishima’s hands plants itself by the bed, the other wrapped around your back as he buries his face into the crook of your neck. He’s making small choked-off moans, and the sounds shoot heat straight to your core. You tug at his hair, and his moans get a little louder.

“Oh,” he says suddenly, gripping your hips tight, “Shit-”

He shudders hard, then warm wetness is soaking the front of your panties. The realisation that Kirishima has flooded his boxers just from dry-humping has you following over the edge, whining as he keeps grinding the way through both of your orgasms. His hands clench hard into your skin as hips thrusts turn clumsy and even, his hips jerking sporadically.

The force of the orgasm takes you by surprise; your toes have clenched so hard they’re starting to cramp, and your legs flop bonelessly to the bed as Kirishima lowers your body back to the mattress. He rolls to the side just enough so that his weight isn’t entirely on you, before curling right up into your neck and kissing your sweaty forehead. “That,” he says breathlessly, “That was really- yeah.”

You laugh, feeling a little winded. “Yeah,” you agree, then curl into him. A big arm wraps around your shoulder, and you’re pretty sure you could die happy exactly like this. 

“You’re so great.” Kirishima mumbles, slurring a little. A glance at his face reveals that he’s already half-asleep, and you can’t help but laugh a little. He’s got the right idea; you feel like you’ve just ran a marathon, which is a little embarrassing, but you can blame the lack of stamina on the shots.

You’ve just closed your eyes, intending on following Kirishima’s example, when the aggravating buzzing of your phone goes off. You groan unhappily, reaching out to grapple with the bedside table until you find it.

Bakugou: You’re welcome, asshole

You glare at the text and click your tongue.

You: you’re such a dick

Kirishima snuffles in his sleep, and you smile as you watch his nose scrunch a little. Fuck, he’s so cute. You guess Bakugou’s not the worst wingman you could have asked for, even if his methods were less than conventional.

You: but thanks ;)

[jaminjims]

foreign bts 8th member {imagine}

anon request: Hi! I love your imagines!! Can I request a relationships with the members or life of a 16 year old foreign 8th member with ot7? headcanon or imagine (whichever you feel like) thank you!!!

a/n: thank you so so much for requesting bub! i loved writing this one (even though it is a little rushed) it made me think differently about some aspects of idol life, especially when looking at it from a foreigners point of view. but i really appreciate you anon, you will forever by remembered as my first requester so i really hope you enjoy this one love! ♡ 

pairing: platonic bts x foreign gender neutral!reader (i do have you refer to the older members as hyung though) 

genre: not gonna lie, this one is pretty angsty because it deals with my experiences of how the kpop community reacts to foreign idols/young idols (that being said, not everything will be completely accurate!) but don’t worry! there are still some fluffy moments (the members just love you so much and want to protect you from the world) 

warnings: bullying, loneliness, unhealthy coping mechanisms and destructive mentality 

words: 2.6k

[disclaimer: when writing idol aus, i will only be focusing on the struggles of the reader, not of the idols themselves because i don’t personally know what struggles they go through and how they handle them.] 

~**~

you were the youngest, and that really sucked sometimes 

like for the fact that the members practically hovered over you and made sure that you were doing your school work correctly and actually completing it rather than putting it in the garbage disposal (which might've happened before) but hey! all the other members were pretty much finished with their schooling so it wasn’t fair the you still had to do yours 

you have made that point multiple times only for the others to shut it down because you could basically make pockets with how full of holes that logic had

or when they fussed over you a little to much, “y/n, you’re not too stressed right?” “you’re sleeping enough right, maknae?” “here eat this, it’ll help you grow.”

you also found it hard in the beginning to really connect with anyone too. the drastic age difference between you and the others was intimidating and it didn’t help that you joined the group three years after they first debuted so everyone was pretty much like family and there you were, kinda just stuck in group that you felt like an outsider in 

not to mention that you painfully stood out from them because for god sake’s you weren’t even korean 

they didn’t know how to approach you either though. you were (still are) young and stubborn and had almost too much energy that you didn’t know what to do with 

and even putting the group problems aside, school was also very difficult for you

your parents abruptly moved you to korea when you were young because of an amazing job opportunity so you were thrust into a schooling society that wasn’t the best 

hell, you didn't even know korean the first two years you spent there 

you were just... different in so many ways and that’s hard on a growing child. some of your first memories were of children laughing and pushing you because you ‘looked weird’ and ‘couldn't speak.’ 

and you pretty much had to deal with that kind of treatment all throughout middle school and even a little bit of high school (even after you had learned korean) 

it was difficult for you to really be accepted by a society that would always see you as an outsider 

so you grew up a rebellious angsty teen who was hard to really connect to because you were just so used to deflecting others opinions of yourself 

and you just so happened to have a passion for dancing and singing (you were also pretty good at rapping) and that was enough to have bighit take a chance on this kid who was barely passing school 

despite what everyone said about training and all the complaints about it, you actually loved it 

you thrived in the type of environment where you had to constantly push yourself to be seen because you had always been pushed aside for how you looked and how you talked 

sure, you missed your parents a whole lot and being a preteen only magnified that feeling, but in this dance studio, in this recording studio, is where you could really stand out in the best way possible and make an impact 

you would show all the people that it was ok to be different, that you could still make it in a society that prioritized their beauty standards and had a set precedent for how you had to look 

you were going to be the one to break stereotypes and actually do something   

but it was because you were pushed so hard growing up, that you set ridiculously high standards for yourself and because of your mentality, if you didn’t reach those goals then you would practically hate and loathe yourself until you pushed yourself to do better 

you grew to have this close looped mentality that was ridiculously unhealthy, but as long as you could prove yourself and succeed, right?

it was that mentality that placed you on bts and when you got the announcement that holy shit, you were going to be the eighth member? you had cried for the first time since you started training

and even though it was a group that was already formed, you went in the confidence in yourself that you would make your group members proud

but that brought the age difference back into play. it had always been the older kids that had picked on you, and you were defensive at first 

it made you all the more motivated to seek their approval though, to make sure that they had no reason to see you as different from them, despite the way you looked and how old you were

and it was probably that fire in your eyes that drew them in

you were this little stubborn ball of energy that would concur anything in your path and still push yourself to do more 

it was oddly through school work (the dreaded work) and your age that brought you guys closer 

they could tell when you were struggling to get work done, and losing sleep over it. it would be the little things that gave it away, like you leaving your toothbrush out or you not putting up the clothes that were washed 

and they each saw themselves in you; burning determination, ready to go up against anything. refusing to ask for help even though you needed it 

so it started with namjoon

he would look in your school bag while on break in dance practice and write the answers to some of your school work on sticky notes and then put them back in your bag 

you would find them later on and frown but accept the help anyways because you really were struggling 

and then it would be jimin leaving you snacks in your room with encouraging notes and you would be lying if you said that didn’t help you through some tough times (you still have the notes today, but no one needed to know that)

and sometimes there were playlists that would just kind of show up on your phone that were made for relaxation and studying and something in you knew that it was yoongi’s doing 

and overtime, through the tiny gestures, they broke down your walls and you let them see a side of you that no one really ever got to see because of the circumstances that you grew up in 

but you were still stubborn, and refused to accept their help if they asked for it directly. which actually led to more fights than you would think

they would scold you for working yourself to hard and you would say “no, i need this exercise.” to which would lead to actual demands from them and refusals from you because its your goddamn mentality working at your confidence again 

right after you were officially announced as the eighth member, that’s probably when your personality shifted the most 

remember when i mentioned about how they fuss over you too much? this was the main reason why 

your looks. it always had to boil down to your looks and it was different when it was only school bullies making the taunting, but when your face was up for debate by the media, is when you got really fired up 

“bts adopts an outsider?” “it’s called k-pop for a reason, go back to your own country.” “is this seriously happening right now? i’m un-stanning.” “wth, y/n’s like, five. thats gross.”

it was these comments and articles that really got to you, but somewhere along the lines it wasn’t just you anymore, it was about your members and what they had already built for themselves  

you had let yourself start caring for them because they treated you like an equal and now you were only hurting them 

they noticed, when you started to spend more time at the gym and studio and they were informed that your grades dramatically dropped because you were so hyper focused on getting better that you were ignoring your own needs 

it was jungkook that finally said something to you after about two weeks of almost radio silence because goddammit he had actually gotten used to your presence and you couldn’t just leave because he would miss you to much 

they all would 

they thought that you would lash out at them when they confronted you about it, but what you did surprised them and you cried for the first time ever in any of their presences

because these people, your hyung’s, where suffering from the backlash that you created and you could see how it was affecting them and it seemed like all the trust and all the hard time spent trying to seek their approval was all flushed away now and you had worn yourself down so much that there was just a kid left who was scared 

so, so scared 

scared because you were different, scared because you had lost the people that you had grown to care for 

so when jungkook came into the practice room to see you leaning against the mirror with your head in your hands, he knew that something had changed 

and when he called out for you, you didn’t answer. this pattern repeated until he was left so worried that he started shaking you and he had to call the hyung’s

it was only when they opened the door and you made eye contact with hoseok that you started to tear up and then it was like the dam that was holding years worth of fear and hardships back just ... broke 

you clung to jungkook and just start sobbing and apologizing because all you wanted was to be seen and accepted but not at this high of a cost

and they were relieved. they had thought that you would close yourself off from them and shut them out, but it seemed like you were worried about that same thing as well 

jin and taehyung almost cried themselves and it took everything in hoseok to stop himself from draping you in a blanket and protecting you from the world because you were still so young and you didn’t deserve the hate you got. you were only sixteen and there was only so much one person could take 

you were small enough to get picked up and since you hadn’t been eating much, jungkook picked you up easily 

and you didn’t protest as he carried you out of the practice room and into the van that they usually shared

you were drained and tired and worn out and just overall exhausted because you never really showed any emotion except determination, if that could even count 

and even though you were all close enough that you shared meals and acted like siblings, you still surprised them everyday and showed a new part of yourself and they just found themselves growing more fond of you 

once you all piled into the van, jin driving with namjoon in the passenger seat, you looked up at jungkook, (you were still held against him, practically in his lap) and then looked back at the rest of them and what they heard almost made their heart stop, “i love you hyung’s” 

there was SO MUCH to unpack in that one statement when it came to you 

first of all, you had called them all hyung’s, which you hadn't done until now. always opting to add -ssi at the end of their names 

and maybe it was strange to be proud of that tile, but when it came to you, it showed that you really did trust them with anything and they knew how hard that was for you 

then you said ‘i love you.’ it still didn’t really process in their heads until they had gotten you to your bed (you had fallen asleep during the car ride back) and they were all sitting around in the living room 

“you guys heard that too, right?” hoseok murmured 

then slowly yoongi smiled that gummy smile of his and everyone’s face’s did the same because you really had become special to them, even if you did come in late to the group 

and oh if that didn’t trigger their protective side

they saw it as their personal mission to out you back together and build yourself up again because you were worth it and you did deserve to be here 

they started with getting rid of electronics, well at least for you 

they were going to try to separate you from the media for as long as they could because people were ruthless 

they also made a point to start posting more solo videos of you on their youtube channel, so the audience would actually be able to see past your ‘foreign’ face and look at your real personality (they even started posting things without the companies approval but would never tell you that because you were already rebellious enough) 

and their planned kinda worked, too 

and even if you still weren't accepted by many, more and more of the fandom was accepting you everyday and that meant something

at least one of them would be with you at all times (which actually kinda got on your nerves sometimes but you knew they were trying to help and you wanted to change, to grow, to make it easier on them) 

taehyung started giving you more and more of his clothes (which you loved sleeping in) and started to use you as his cuddle buddy more times than not because you were the “precious maknae that should be protected at all costs.” “but do i really need to be your body pillow, hyung? at this rate i think your the one who will kill me and then i’ll need protection from you.” “yah, go to sleep.” he would flick your forehead and then you would mutter ow under your breath but go to sleep anyway because you were actually pretty comfortable 

or when seokjin would call you into the kitchen just to try his food and you would groan at having to get up from where you were but in reality you actually looked forward to it because he really was so good at cooking 

and so it becomes kind of like a routine for everyone and they all take care of you in their own way and your quick to try and help them back, even if comes of across as a little weird and distant

like when you would always bring extra water bottles to rehearsal because you know hobi will dance the hardest and you would get worried that he might become dehydrated 

or every other night you would bring water to jimin with a honey cough drop because those are his favorite and it helps to sooth his throat after a long day of training

you also make an effort to contribute to the songs. so you start tagging along with namjoon and yoongi when they go off to their studios because you are also interested in producing and you would like to learn someday and they are all to eager to show you how 

and you actually make an effort to ask for help when you need it (which is kinda big for you) and jungkook is the one who helps more than not 

they didn’t give you time to build your walls back up again and even though you often slip back into the mindset that you consonantly need to work for approval, they are there to tell you that you don’t need to do that because you already make them proud and that you already do work enough 

you are enough. they see you and believe in you 

and really, that’s all you needed, but it was a relief when you started to be widely accepted by the fans 

but you’re here, you were enough 

and although its not always good all time, and at times when you don’t feel like you belong, your hyung’s remind you that they are your family, and that no matter your face or where you come from, you will always belong with them 

[end]

end note: holy cow, this was just a mess of emotions and i think i might have some sort of trauma i don’t know about because sad who?? apparently i know her very well. but i’m really happy with the ending even though everything in between is messy! anon if you’re reading this, thank you so much for this kind of prompt! it really got me to think differently and put me in a position where i had to really delve deep into negative and positive mental patterns and how its impacted based on how a person grows up 

also I REALLY LOOKED UP IF JIN HAD A LICENSE AT THREE AM IN THE MORNING JUST TO WRITE THREE WORDS ABOUT IT and i just?? find that really funny for some reason?? i don’t know man, i need to get more sleep, so i apologize for any errors. i love ya’ll 

~**~ masterlist 

request something! 

taglist: @boba-tea1206​ 

[obsidiancreates]

Freezer Duty (Part One)

(This was going to be a one-shot but then it reached 4,000 words so now it’s split up)

----------------------------

Amy parks her car and lays her head on the steering wheel. "You can do this. Christmas shopping is already slowing down, you can do this."

She grabs her coffee thermos, a special blend Emma came up with just for the holiday rush days (it had made Amy almost cry with thankful joy, and had made Emma shrink into her sweater and mutter "Whatever," five times straight), and gets out of her car.

The parking lot is mostly empty. Either most of her coworkers took the bus, or Amy is one of the only people on time... again. Not that she blames anyone. The weather is so cold that getting out of bed feels like a death sentence.

As she walks to the doors, she glances at the other cars. Glenn, obviously. As long as she's been working there, he's always been early. Carol, too. Probably planning to mess with Sandra somehow, this kind of stuff is why corporate shouldn't have shut down the in-store HR department. And then...

Jonah's car? He's usually at least a couple of minutes later than her... weird.

She walks past, and pauses. Why are the inside lights on? That means it's unlocked, and she knows Jonah locks his car obsessively. She once saw him lock it five times through the doors of the store. 

Curiosity claims her, and she peeks inside. 

And drops her thermos.

“Oh my go- JONAH!”

The scream is loud enough to summon Glenn. “Amy, what is- AHHHH!” he holds his hands up to his head as he shrieks.

Jonah is laying inside his car, bleeding from the neck.

Amy yanks open the car door and shakes Jonah’s shoulders. “Jonah, Jonah wake up!” As she shakes and calls out, Glenn stands behind her with his hands clasped, frantically praying to both Jesus and the Jewish God in a highly confusing yet heartfelt prayer.

“Jonah!” Amy slaps him in the face in a moment of complete desperation.

Jonah startles awake and puts his hand up to his cheek. “O-ow! What was that for! And...” he looks behind Amy. “... Why is Glenn turning purple.”

“Wh- oh, my god, Glenn, take a breath. Okay, um, Jonah, are you alright?”

“I-I think so... why?”

“Well, because you’re sitting in your turned-off unlocked car, in the middle of winter, passed out with blood on your neck.”

“WHAT?!” Jonah feels his neck. “OH- oh, god this is- this is not good, how did-”

“Our insurance is so bad,” Glenn sobs, “You’re not gonna make it!”

“Glenn, don’t- okay, let’s get you inside and- you’re not still bleeding, right?”

“I don’t think so, but what does critical blood loss feel like? Like would I be able to tell? I need to Google this, just-”

“Yeah, you’re going to be okay. Okay, into the store, Glenn help us out.”

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“Ow.” Jonah winces and flinches away as Amy dabs his neck with a wipe. 

“Pretty dramatic start to the work day, gosh. I hope nothing else happens.” Glenn shakes his hands by his sides and looks around nervously. He leans in and whispers, “Do you think they’ll find another foot? Jonah, what sneakers do you wear?”

“Again, still have both off my feet.” Jonah winces again, and Amy sets down the towel. 

“Okay, it’s all clean, so now we can-”

“Hey guys! Whoa...” Cheyenne stops in her tracks as she enters the breakroom, spreading her arms and stopping everyone else from entering too. There’s an annoyed clamoring for a minute before Garrett just rolls in under her arm. Everyone stoops down to follow, except Marcus, who tries (and fails) to turn it into a game of Limbo.

Garrett looks at the bloody wipes on the table Jonah and Amy are at. “Whoa, dude, what the hell happened?”

Amy sighs. “Jonah was-”

“We found Jonah dying in his car!” Glenn exclaims.

“Not dying!” Jonah and Amy say quickly. 

“He was passed out and bleeding a little,” Amy says to cut any rumors off preemptively, moving the collar of his shirt to get a better look at the wounds.

“In your car? In the middle of winter?”

Glenn nods, his face screwed up with worry. “And no scarf!”

“Oh, you’re for sure gonna die,” Cheyenne says, Mateo nodding in agreement. “It’s like, super cold outside.”

“Honestly I didn’t even feel that cold,” Jonah says, putting his hands up. “I guess my car stayed warm. ... Some-somehow.”

“What were you even doing in there? Are you homeless again? You could always crash at my place. Unless the birds don’t like you, then you’re gone. Nothing personal.” Dina sips her coffee.

“Thank you, for that... generous offer, um, I don’t actually remember.”

Amy pauses her checking. “You don’t?”

“No, I um, I just remember realizing I forgot something and going back into the store to get it, and then coming out and everyone was gone. And then there’s just sort of, nothing. ... That-that actually is more worrying, now that I say it aloud, am-am I dying?”

“Your brain probably froze up and is just taking time to de-thaw,” Marcus says with a flippant gesture. “Happened to my cousin once when we ate too many beer-pops.”

“... Okay, then, what’s a- no, nevermind, I can just guess. I don’t actually think that’s how brain freezes work, but thanks, I think.” 

Marcus smiles and raises his hands in an attempt at a gracious gesture.

“So you don’t remember anything?” Amy asks, bringing the subject back to the alarming and somewhat urgent situation.

“Maybe someone came up behind him and hit him over the head. Blunt force trauma, put him back in his car to make it look like he froze to death, do you know of anyone who wants to kill you? Maybe a disgruntled ex-classmate, customer you bored out of their skull with a pointless story, maybe-”

“That- no. No, I don’t think anyone wants to kill me for telling an invigorating story. And I’d rather not think about that, actually.”

Dina shrugs. “You don’t want to solve the mystery, fine. But don’t blame me when someone you screwed over in a group project cuts off your junk.”

Jonah and Amy stare at Dina for a second, and then Amy shakes her head. “Anyway... I checked, and I don’t think he has anything wrong with his head. Just his neck.”

Mateo glances over, unperturbed but curious. His expression becomes horrified. “Oh, my god! There’s two giant holes in your neck!”

Jonah slaps his hand over the wounds. “WHAT?!”

“They are not giant holes!” Amy shouts as everyone starts chattering. “They’re tiny ones! And-and they’re more like cuts, anyway!”

“Maybe someone injected him with drugs.”

“Why would they do that, Dina?”

“Yeah, who wastes drugs like that?” Cheyenne looks around at everyone else, who have gone silent. “What?”

“And, wait, with two needles?” Garrett points to Jonah’s neck. 

“Maybe they missed a vein the first time.” Dina snorts like it’s an obvious conclusion.

Marcus snaps his fingers. “Maybe it’s some kind of new fancy needle.”

Dina shakes her head. “I keep up to date on drug needle trends. We find too many in the customer bathrooms for me to be out of the loop.”

Glenn startles slightly. “We do?”

“Guys!” Amy gestures at Jonah.

Everyone murmurs some form of “Right!” or “Sorry Jonah.”

“Really, I’m-I’m fine.” Jonah keeps a hand over the holes. “It’s just a little sore, and um, I don’t know, I guess I’m a little chilly and tired, but I’m generally okay.”

“Okay, great!” Dina claps her hands. “You can have an easy assignment today because of the whole ‘attacked for revenge’ thing-”

“That’s not what-”

“Well, no-one knows what happened, so for now my theory is valid. Anyway, I’ll assign you to grocery. Slow over there today, bakery is having a big sale and uh, huh, we had an overstock of powered donuts so it might get wild.”

“Well... thank you, Dina. A slow day sounds good, actually, because I’m starting to get a headache.” Jonah rubs his eyes. “Really bright in here.”

“It’s the standard fluorescents.” Glenn looks up. “Unless corporate had it changed overnight, but I don’t think so...”

Cheyenne tilts her head with a small frown, and looks at Jonah’s neck throughout the rest of the meeting.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“No way,” Mateo scoffs. “That’s far-fetched gossip, even for us.”

“No, but it would make sense, right?” Cheyenne looks around, and then whispers. “Didn’t notice the cold, lights too bright, two holes in his neck. Jonah totally got bitten by a vampire.” She leans back and nods, eyes wide at her own revelation.

“Vampires aren’t even real though! As much as we might wish they were.”

They glance over at Grocery. Jonah is yawning, leaning against the freezer section. 

“He looks pale, right?” Cheyenne whispers.

“He always looks pale. He could wear non-tinted sunscreen as foundation,” Mateo says with a dismissive wave of his hand. 

“Yeah, I guess. ... Should we try to get a look at his eyes?”

“Chy, I love you, but we’ve got a ton of restocking to do and I don’t want to be all panicked before lunch.”

“Right. Right. Yeah. Probably just like, letting my imagination get the best of me, right? Yeah...”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Excuse me?” 

Jonah startles, jumping away from the freezer door. “Hi! Yes, sorry! Um, what-what can I... help you with?”

“Could you please show me where the frozen pizzas are?”

“Sure, ma’am, right this way.” Jonah rubs his eyes, leading her to a different section of the freezer area. 

“Oh, thank you! Could you grab it for me?”

“Wh-why?”

“I don’t like the cold.”

Well, neither does he, and he’s already chilly. But this is his job. Somehow. How did he get here again? His head feel a little foggy, he can’t quite gather his thoughts. 

He reaches in and grabs the pizza. “Okay, here you-”

“No, the ones from the very back.”

“... I-I’m sorry?”

“The back ones are always better.”

“... Alright, I will... reach all the way into the back of the freezer.”

Jonah leans into the freezer, bracing himself for chills and shivers. And...

... Nothing.

It’s cold, but it’s... not bothering him that much. he leans in, grabs the pizza, and leans back out without feeling any more cold than he did prior to the task.

“Thank you, young man. You should grab yourself one too, it’ll put some color into those cheeks.”

The old woman walks away, and Jonah pulls out his phone to look up symptoms of frostbite and hypothermia.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Justine shakes her head. “I’ve read Twilight a million times, if he was a vampire I would be able to tell.”

“What if we give him some garlic bread, and tell him it’s normal bread?” Sandra suggests.

“Because if he’s just allergic to garlic, we won’t know the difference. Doy.” Marcus scoff-laughs at Sandra and points at her mockingly with his thumb.

“What are you guys talking about?” Garrett asks, rolling up to the group. “Marcus, aren’t you supposed to be unloading a truck right now?”

“Eh, didn’t feel like it. Anyway, we’re trying to figure out if Jonah is a vampire now.”

“Are you serious?”

They all nod. Garrett grins. He folds his hands in his lap. “So what have you tried so far?”

“Nothing yet,” Justine admits.

“We might give him garlic bread,” Sandra says with a shrug. “Is he allergic to garlic?”

“No.”

Sandra lights up. “So it would work!” Her smiles fades. “Oh. But then it might kill him.”

“We can’t do that! The Horsemen stick together, I could never hurt my best friend.” Marcus shakes his head. “What if we just drop something really heavy on him and see if he catches it?”

“That won’t hurt him?” Garrett checks.

“Not if he’s a vampire.”

“Right, right. How about instead of splattering him across the Wheaties boxes, you just ask Glenn to go pester him with Bible stuff?” Garrett would love to see that, Jonah gets to flustered over trying not to offend while trying to get away. It’s hilarious.

Marcus points at Garrett with a smile. “That- yes! Perfect! Thanks man!”

The small group runs off, and Garrett laughs a little to himself as he heads on back to customer service.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Oh, this one is one of my favorite verses, so here we go, ahem-”

“Hey, Glenn? Isn’t there a-a rule, against doing this kind of thing at work?”

“Well... technically... but Marcus told me you wanted to know my favorite parts of the Bible, so I just sort of thought why wait.”

“He- really? Because I’m not... known, for being very curious about... the Bible...”

“But you are known for being curious about your friends,” Glenn says with a point and a smile.

Jonah plasters on a smile himself. “Yeah. Yeah, I do tend to-”

“Get a little nosy.”

“... I was going to say get involved, but... I-I guess nosy works too. But um, I’m restocking the ice cream right now, so kind of have to act fast,” Jonah motions at the freezeer.

“Oh, then I’ll make this quick! Okay, this verse says-”

Jonah sighs, rubbing his head. His headache is just getting worse and worse. He’s pretty sure it’s the lights, or maybe the dry-cold freezer air, but Glenn’s babbling is not helping. 

And his voice is really grating right now. It’s not exactly soothing at even the best of times, but Jonah is pretty sure he’d rather listen to nails on a chalkboard than another round of ‘Top Bible Verses’ from Glenn.

“Okay!” he snaps. “That’s good, that is- that is very much enough! Thank you for sharing something you enjoy with me, now please let me do my job!”

Glenn startles, and then hugs his Bible to his chest. “Fine. Then I guess you don’t get to hear me sing the top five best Psalms. Which is too bad for you, because Jerusha says I do them well enough to be on radio.”

Glenn walks away, and Jonah sighs. He hadn’t meant to snap, it was just really getting on his nerves. ... At least his headache is a little better already without the extra noise.

He watches Glenn walk away, and then catches sight of Justine and Sandra quickly ducking behind another isle. He looks on in confusion for a moment more, and then gets back to work.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Okay, we need a real plan,” Justine sighs. 

“For what?” Dina pauses on her way to the coffee pot. “More raccoons? Did they find a snake in the bananas again?”

“We think Jonah night be a vampire,” Sandra says.

Cheyenne stops eating her lunch. “Oh my god, you told them?”

“I couldn’t think of anything else to say!” Mateo defends. “It’s been a boring day! Other than, you know, Jonah almost dying.”

“Wait, you guys think Jonah is a vampire? No way, have you seen him? That’d be too cliche.” Dina scoffs at the idea. And then looks at the ground, a thoughtful frown appearing on her face. “Although the cliche would also mean it makes sense...”

Garrett eats a chip. “Come on, he’d be a terrible vampire. Vampires are supposed to be confidant and suave. Jonah can’t even explain his cookie choices without a five-minute tirade.”

“And he’d cut himself off at least six times in those five minute,” Dina says with a slight wince. “Yeah, he’d be a terrible vampire.”

“I don’t know. Sometimes he’s really confident, and he does that smirk thing?” Sandra says, gesturing to her own mouth for emphasis. “Plus, he always stands like a politician.”

“And he puts way too much product in his hair! That’s a total vampire thing,” Cheyenne says with a definitive shrug.

“He does already have that black-hair-pale-skin thing going for him...” Mateo admits. “If he could be a villain on CW he could be a vampire.”

“And how would he drink blood?” Garrett asks. “Just talk until the person passes out? Ask overly politely in a way that really sounds like he’s trying to ask for sex?”

Everyone murmurs in agreement.

“He would starve,” Cheyenne declares. “Because he’d be picky, too, right?”

“Picky like, about the person’s health?” Mateo asks with a doubtful frown. “He’d probably freak out about not wanting to discriminate though.”

“That would be the starvation,” Dina says with a nod. “He’d be too worried about the socio-political crap of whoever he picks so he’d just debate himself until it was too late.”

“... That’d be kind of funny,” Mateo says quietly.

Everyone thinks for a moment, and then agrees.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, Jonah.” Dina snaps her fingers in front of Jonah’s face, jarring him out of his standing sleep. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Sorry, Dina.” Jonah rubs his face. “I feel exhausted.”

“It’s the middle of the day.”

“Yeah! Yeah, I know. Um, what did you need?”

“I need you to go help Brett move some of the exercise equipment, the dolly broke.”

“Wh- so-so we have to move it by hand?”

“You’ve got a little muscle on your noodle arms, you can handle it.” Dina slaps him on the back and walks away. Jonah huffs, hands on his hips. After a moment he shakes his head and moves over to exercise.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Okay, now we find out for sure,” Dina says smugly. “No way a Human Jonah could handle the weight of that stuff.”

Everyone is crammed into the surveillance office, watching Jonah on the monitors.

“Should one of us tell Amy about this?” Cheyenne asks. “I feel like we’re leaving her out.”

“It is weird that I’m in on this and not her,” Marcus agrees. “But she’d probably tell us this is ‘dangerous’ or something.”

“She wouldn’t like it at all,” Dina confirms. “Best to just tell her about it later, or let her find out on her own. Later.”

They watch Jonah and Brett work together surprisingly smoothly, moving the heavy equipment with a perfectly human amount of struggling. Dina leans back in her chair with a disappointed sigh. “Dammit. I almost let myself believe in magic...”

“Wait, look!” Cheyenne points to the monitor. 

Everyone looks, excited and hopeful. And they collectively sigh and grumble.

“He’s just talking to a customer,” Mateo says.

“A super rude one! I’ve dealt with him before, he’s a total asshole. Let’s turn on the audio and listen to Jonah freak out.”

“I do love a good Jonah freakout.” Dina turns on the audio.

“Yeah, I-I’m sorry, sir, we just don’t carry that here anymore.”

“This store has carried it for over ten years.”

“Yeah, it’s a bummer! I know I hate when store stop carrying stuff I like. But maybe! Maybe we can view this as a-a chance for personal growth, for you! A chance at... at evolution, at moving forward-”

“Are you mocking me, little bitch boy?”

Everyone gasps. “Oh no he didn’t,” Cheyenne whispers. On the camera, Jonah is clearly taken aback, leaning away from the customer and staring with wide eyes.

“Some... very strong language, sir. Um, no, I just meant that maybe, you know, instead of-of viewing this in the negative-”

“So I’m a negative person?”

“No! No, I can’t- I don’t know you! I can’t make judgements about people that fast! Just- I hope this doesn’t ruin your day, right? And-and I want to see if we can find you a-a replacement, so that you can still have what you want!”

“How important do you think this is to me? You think I’m pathetic? Can’t be happy without my specific little brand?”

“No, I just-”

“I’m gonna need to speak with your bitch of a floor manager or whatever she’s called.”

“... I’m sorry?”

“Your bitch of a floor manager. The loud Latina lady.”

Dina stands up, ready to go beat the man with a bat for talking about her best friend that way. Cheyenne pushes her back down, jaw dropped. “I think Jonah is about to stand up to him,” she says.

Jonah is indeed, looking quite pissed off. He steps closer, and looks the much taller man right in the eyes. Jonah’s a good head shorter, his hair barely coming up to the other man’s chin, yet for some reason unknown the black-and-white monitor shows the customer being the one who leans back.

“You, sir, are a very unpleasant person,” Jonah says in a calm, measured voice. “And I think you need to do some self-reflection. I think you should leave the store, and learn how to talk about people without using the word ‘bitch’, alright?”

It’s so overly polite it’s almost comical. Yet somehow... it works.

The customer stands there for a second, then just... walks away. Jonah watches after him, the calm and collection expression on his face quickly giving way to confusion. He looks around as though wondering if someone else had done something to scare the customer off.

“Confidence boost,” Sandra says softly.

Cheyenne pulls out a notebook and ticks something off. “That counts as evidence.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jonah has no clue what just happened.

One moment he was speaking with a rude customer, the next the customer was walking away and Jonah has no clue why. What he does know was that his headache was slightly better, and that he really wishes his lunch break was sooner because he is famished.

Someone taps him on the shoulder, and he nearly jumps out of his skin. He turns around to see Amy looking at him with slight concern. “You okay? You’re just sort of... staring off into space.”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Uh... yeah, I’m fine. Totally fine.”

“... I don’t believe you.”

“Well, then you... have trust issues, because I am. I’m fine.”

“... Sure... can I see your neck again, real quick?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re acting weird and I want to make sure you’re not developing an infection that’s getting to your brain?”

“... Yeah, check away.”

Amy checks, and winces. “Youch. Yeah, let’s get some more antibiotics on those.” She starts leading him towards the breakroom. “So, what happened with that customer? I came over right at the tail end, missed the whole thing.”

“Oh. Um... I guess I just, really got through to him.”

“You?”

“Yes, me, why- what is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing! It’s just, usually when you try to calm down a customer you don’t get very far.”

“Well, you know, sometimes people just listen if you hit the right cords-”

“Mmm-hmm, yeah.”

“-I guess I just found the right words to resonate with him, is all I’m saying.” If only he knew what those words were...

Creak

Jonah pauses. “Did-did you just hear that?”

“Hear what?”

Creaaak

Jonah looks up. “I think the ceiling is about to collapse.”

“Why?”

CREAAAAK!

A mass of merch falls from the ceiling! Amy and Jonah both scream, brace themselves, Amy still holding onto Jonah and Jonah still holding onto Amy-!

...

And... they’re a safe distance from it all as it crashes down.

A multitude of raccoons scamper out and scatter, their Nest Of Stolen Goods now revealed. Jonah and Amy watch from the sidelines.

The sidelines!

“How did we get over here?” Amy is staring at the pile.

“... I don’t know,” Jonah replies, staring as well. Oh, what an adrenaline rush, his heart is racing- ... it... should... be racing...

Amy’s hand is still around Jonah’s wrist. She looks at him for a moment, and then shakes off the shock. “Okay, um, let’s get a team to clean this up, and get some antibiotic on your neck.”

“Will that part take a whole team, too?”

“Ha-ha, Jonah. ... I’m just glad neither of us got hurt.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!” Cheyenne grabs Mateo and starts shaking him. “DID YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!”

“WE ALL SAW!” Mateo shouts, pushing Cheyenne away. He huffs and brushes off his sweater. “All three of us left, anyway.”

Dina taps the monitor. “That’s why you never leave the surveillance room after something mildly interesting happens! Something big always follows!”

“He’s actually a vampire,” Mateo says in disbelief. “He vampire-ran away from that junk, he’s actually a vampire!”

Dina scoff-laughs. “The little guy pulled off one hell of a ruse, huh? Pretty clever, faking amnesia.”

Cheyenne stops her mini victory celebration. “Whoa, why do you think he’s faking?” 

“Because why wouldn’t I? He’s a vampire now, even if he actually doesn’t remember what happened it’s got to be pretty obvious to him that he’s undead. ... Right?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What’re you googling?” Amy dabs at the neck wounds gently with a damp cloth as she prepares to put on the antibiotic cream.

“Symptoms of frostbite and hypothermia. I guess everyone got into my head this morning, and I’ve had some weird stuff happen to me...”

“Well... anything about last night coming back? Could help you figure out whatever symptoms you’ve got.”

“Still nothing.” Jonah rubs his neck when Amy is done dabbing it with the cloth. “I still feel like the day just started, honestly.”

“Oh yeah,” Amy agrees. “Today’s going to be a long day.”

[hookingminor]

close quarters (4) - andre burakovsky

a/n: y’all I'm so fucking sorry this took so long to update school started and has really thrown me for a loop and I had some bad writer’s block and shit so I'm not super proud of this chapter but oh well the next chapter will be the final one! this isn’t proofread bc I couldn’t be bothered and I know that the hockey season doesn’t coincide with warm weather but be quiet and imagine

word count: 2,767

one / two / three / four / five

-

True to his word, Andre got smashed. It didn’t help that Mikko had asked him if you were seeing Tyson after the two of you had left together. So, Andre threw back another whiskey in record time, and everyone got the hint to not bring you up.

And what made it worse was that he knew he didn’t have any right to be upset about the situation. He chickened out and scared you off because he was stupid and didn’t know how to communicate his feelings. And it’s not like Tyson was a bad guy, but Andre didn’t think he was the right guy for you. Andre was the right guy for you.

Not that he had any justifiable reasons for thinking that.

Gabe and Mel had to give Andre a ride home after the charity dinner. It was nearly eleven in the evening and everyone had left the event, but he was still drinking. He knew it was unprofessional. All his teammates knew it was unprofessional. Odds are he’d probably get yelled at for it come Monday, but he had bigger problems to worry about right now.

“You know you did this to yourself, right?” Gabe asked after he’d safely gotten Andre into the backseat. Gabe was the only one who he’d told about this whole predicament. Andre didn’t have a lot of friends in Colorado outside of his team, and he couldn’t help but spill his guts to his captain.

Mel slapped her husband on the arm, signaling for him to shut up or at least show some sympathy, but Gabe shrugged his shoulders in defense as if to say ‘What? It’s true.’

“I know,” Andre slurred sadly, “I’m a fucking idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot,” Mel consoled with a comforting tone, “You just made a mistake and need to fix it.”

“How can I when she’s with Josty now?” Andre asked.

“Dumbass, she’s not with Josty. He’s just trying to help you out,” Gabe explained as he pulled out of the parking lot and in the direction of Andre’s apartment.

“Helping me how? By asking her on dates and sneaking out early with her?” Andre scoffed in disbelief. He saw the way his hands lingered on your back and the sly glances he thought no one saw.

“Helping you so you can finally apologize and win her over,” Gabe said, but Andre was too focused on imagining you and Tyson back at his place to really register Gabe’s words.

The rest of the ride continued with Andre ranting about you. Honestly, he didn’t remember what he said but it was probably along the lines of how beautiful you were and how he wished he would’ve kissed you. Gabe and Mel exchanged about a million looks between each other, but Andre didn’t notice. The one night they were supposed to not worry about a child, they still ended up babysitting anyway.

When Monday came, his hungover had passed, but he still felt like shit.

“Someone have a rough night?” EJ teased when Andre dropped his bag on the floor in the locker room. Andre flattened him with a glare to tell him he wasn’t in the mood. Everyone had to have known what was going on by now.

Tyson entered the locker room about five minutes after he got there, and everyone went silent. Andre didn’t look at him while he put on his gear, but he could feel the eyes of Tyson and the rest of the team burning a hole into the back of his head. When he finished lacing up his skates, he marched out of the room without another glance back.

“You dumbass,” JT said, breaking the tension that clouded the locker room. All eyes flickered over to Tyson who didn’t look like he was looking forward to getting on the ice.

“You better fix this shit, Jost,” Nate piped up from behind him, and there was a chorus of grunts of agreement in response.

“Fine, I’ll handle it!” Tyson groaned exasperatedly, “God forbid I be the only one with a romantic bone in my body.”

Once again, Tyson had to do everything himself, it seemed.

-

“I just don’t know what to do, Taylor,” you said over the phone.

“Are you still going on about this?” She whined.

“He’s so cute!” You exclaimed, “If you didn’t want me to fall for him, you shouldn’t have introduced us.”

“I didn’t think dumb hockey players were your thing,” she scoffed, “You were never interested when I offered to set you up with one back in D.C.”

“I wasn’t interested,” you emphasized, “but times have changed.”

“And you’re choosing Burky of all guys?” She asked.

“I just don’t know why he’d be so concerned about me living with him for a short period of time. I mean, I literally threw myself at him for nothing,” you replied, “Do you know if Tom said anything to him about me?”

You were met with silence as Taylor didn’t answer your question.

“So you do know something,” you accused as you moved into a sitting position, “What did he say?”

“Uh,” she started, “It wasn’t Tom, exactly, who said something.”

“Wait, what? Did you say something?” You asked.

“In my defense, I was looking out for you! I didn’t think he was your type, and I knew he’d try and make a move,” she answered defensively.

“What the hell did you tell him?”

“I may have told him to keep his hands off, and Tom may have relayed the message,” she said quietly.

“Why would you do that?” You sighed in defeat, “Do you really think I can’t look after myself?”

“No, it’s not that. I didn’t want you to be overwhelmed with the move and have Andre hitting on you and then get ghosted or led on…,” Taylor explained. You let out another sigh because you couldn’t really fault her for that. She knew hockey players better than you, so who were you to argue with that logic. And the fact was Andre could still ghost you or lead you on, you still weren’t sure, but you figured his unwarranted jealousy had to be a good sign, right?

“Well, can you back off now?” You asked finally.

“I didn’t think he’d actually follow through with this. All my threats were pretty meaningless; it’s not like I could do something about it if he did try something,” Taylor said, “but I guess if he took it seriously he must not be that bad of a guy.”

“So I have your permission?” You questioned hopefully.

“You never needed my permission in the first place,” she answered, and you could see her rolling her eyes back in D.C.

“Clearly I did if Andre wouldn’t kiss me,” you muttered, and Taylor chuckled in response.

“Oh, hold on, Taylor, I’m getting another call. I’ll talk to you later,” you said suddenly, noticing the incoming call that was interrupting your conversation. You waited for her acknowledgement before you ended the call and answered the other one.

“What do you want, Tyson?”

“You’re both idiots, and it’s time I took things into my own hands. Be ready at nine in the morning on Saturday. No, I will not be answering any questions. Dress cute but comfortable.”

And with that, he hung up the phone before you could even begin to question what the hell he meant.

-

You tried texting and calling Tyson, but he never answered your messages.

He told Andre the same thing. Well, he did get a little more information but not much. Tyson had pulled Andre off to the side on Monday after a practice of angry glares and not passing him the puck though he was instructed to.

“Listen, man, I’m gonna explain this to you once. Me and Y/N? Not a thing. She wore that dress to make you jealous because she knows you like her and that you’re a dumbass,” Tyson said quickly, and Andre had to take a few extra seconds to process what he was saying, “So what you’re going to do is pick her up on Saturday morning and take her to the farmer’s market. Get her some fucking flowers or something and buy her shit, okay? If you screw this up again, I can’t help you bounce back from that.”

Every day after practice Andre tried to ask Tyson more questions about how you were doing and if you knew about this, but Tyson reiterated the same thing he told Andre the first day: that he needed to pick you up at nine and to not dodge you if you tried to kiss him again.

So, Andre did just that. He arrived at your apartment at 8:55 on Saturday morning dressed in a casual pair of jean shorts and a white t-shirt. You, however, outshone him by a mile with your flowy skirt and loose sweater.

“Oh, Andre, hello,” you greeted him curiously, “Are you here because of Tyson?” Over the past few days, you had time to process Tyson’s confusing phone call. After running over his hurried sentences in your head, you came to the conclusion that it was some kind of set-up. His use of ‘you’re both idiots’ could only be about you and Andre, and it wasn’t unlike Tyson to insert himself in other people’s business. You only hoped Andre had more choice in this than you did, otherwise you were in for an awkward morning.

“Hi, yeah, hey,” Andre stuttered out, “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” you blushed as he complimented you. You opened your door wider for him to enter as you retreated back into your kitchen. “What are we doing? Tyson didn’t really tell me anything except to be ready by nine.”

“Yeah, he kind of pulled me after practice and told me about this plan,” Andre explained, and you felt your shoulders sag while your smile dropped. So he didn’t get a say in this, he was here as a favor.

“I see,” you said quietly.

“But I also wanted to apologize,” he said, noticing the way you suddenly got shy, “about the whole… you know.” You did know. You had been trying to talk to him about it for weeks now to no avail.

“Listen, about that… I didn’t mean to make things weird. I misread the situation, and I’m sorry that I made you uncomfortable,” you apologized after he trailed off, but Andre was shaking his head before you could finish.

“No, that’s not what I wanted to talk about,” Andre said, interrupting you, “You did nothing wrong. I was in my head and panicked and then it was too late…” he took a breath, “I’m sorry about that. I wanted to kiss you, and I screwed it up.” Your heart sped up a little at the last part.

“Taylor told me about how Tom said to not mess with me,” you continued.

“I was just trying to be a good friend,” he insisted, and you nodded your head.

“I know,” you replied, “I told her to back off when she told me.”

“And then the whole Tyson thing happened…” he started.

“I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t fair to make you think we were together,” you said sheepishly,  but you only felt partly sorry for doing that.

“Honestly, I needed that,” he chuckled, “He knocked some sense into me, and that’s why I’m here. To make it up to you.” Well, if Andre had finally come to his senses and wanted to make it up to you, you weren’t going to object.

“So what are we doing?” You asked, and Andre answered your question with a wide smile.

-

You spent the whole morning walking through the downtown farmer’s market with Andre. You threaded your way through the many vendors and tents that were set up in the street, stopping occasionally to buy some produce or because Andre wanted to try some local foods. He treated you to an iced coffee the minute upon entering the market, and you spent most of your time catching him up with work while he updated you with hockey.

Work was going fairly well considering you were new to the company and area, and the team was doing pretty well at the moment considering it was the beginning of the season and they had yet to be really challenged. Not that you understood much of what he was saying regarding stats, but you listened with interest anyway.

You don’t remember when it happened, but at some point you had started holding onto his arm as you worked your way through the market.

You introduced Andre to your favorite stand of any farmer’s market ever: the chili-lime mango tent. Andre didn’t care much for the spice, but you had a fun time watching him chug down the rest of his coffee while he choked on the chili.

Around eleven thirty and on your way out of the market, Andre bought you a large bouquet of sunflowers. You had left him alone for three minutes to buy some tomatoes, and when you turned around to find him, you could barely see him behind the sunflowers.

“You didn’t have to buy me this many flowers,” you chuckled when Andre returned you to your apartment. He had insisted on carrying whatever groceries you had bought there as you carried the flowers.

“Well, I never got to buy you actual flowers for our first date, so I figured I had a bit to make up for,” he smiled as you set down the bouquet on your kitchen counter.

“I didn’t know you counted that dinner as a date,” you joked, unpacking the produce you’d bought from the bags.

“It would’ve been a perfect one had I ended it properly, but I’m an idiot,” he said, “So I’m officially counting this as our first date.”

“Well, as far as first dates go, this is definitely one of the better ones I’ve been on,” you agreed. You hadn’t noticed it until then, but Andre had taken a few steps closer to you until you were nearly chest to chest. As if mirroring the same position you were in that fateful night, you couldn’t help the feeling of deja vu wash over you in waves.

Except this time you were sure he wasn’t going to run away.

“Can I kiss you?” Andre asked, reaching his hands out to pull you in by your hips.

“That depends,” you replied, “Are you going to follow through with it?” He rolled his eyes at your snarky comment and squeezed your side in response.

“I’m never going to live this down, huh?” He asked, tugging your hips flush against his as his hands moved to your lower back.

“No,” you agreed cheerily, “but to answer your question: yes you can kiss me. I’ve only been waiting three weeks now.” Connecting your hands behind his neck, you gave him the same wanton look you gave him that night.

Andre took that as his cue to lean forward, and you pushed yourself up on your toes to meet him halfway. Your lips met in a soft kiss, Andre’s lips light against yours as he tested the waters. You made the first move by gripping the back of his neck a little tighter as you pressed yourself more forcefully against him.

Andre’s hands slid up slightly over your back as you moved your mouth against his. You didn’t know if it was fifteen seconds or fifteen minutes that had passed by the time you pulled apart.

“And to think you had kept that from me for so long,” you teased almost immediately after the kiss broke.

“And you’ve ruined it,” Andre laughed as he tried to push you away in protest, but your hands were stuck behind his neck.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” you whined, pressing a kiss to his cheek that was turned away from you, “I won’t bring it up again, I promise.”

“I don’t believe that,” Andre said, but he didn’t say anything as you continued to shower him with affection.

“I promise I won’t, but I can’t make any guarantees about Josty,” you repeated.

“Damn, he’s never going to let this go, is he?” Andre groaned loudly, as if he just remembered who Tyson was.

“Definitely not,” you agreed, “And you know he’s going to take credit for this.”

“He can have it,” Andre said wistfully, “As long as I can have you.”

“You have a bit of slack to pick up for making me wait forever, but I’m willing to give you a chance.”

[aboysbestfriendishismum]

Chapter 58 - The deal, the name and the prince (Part Two)

In the previous chapter: Angie has a weird nightmare about her future, where she becomes the author of fantasy-themed chick-flick novels, and she’s awakened by a phone call by Eddie. He reminds her it’s finally Friday, that is the day they’ll finally tell their friends about their relationship. Ater disappearing for some time, to think about what Grace had told him, Stone shows up at her workplace to and they talk things out. Angie and Eddie kiss in he streets outside her condo and they believe Jeff, Mike and Dave, who were in the van waiting for them to go to the Ok Hotel for their show, saw them and now are surely talking about them. Once they get to the van though, they find out they’re discussing the latest episode of Twin Peaks.

***

Pink. They're turning pink. My purple highlights are slowly but inevitably waning into sad off-brand bubble-gum pink, whereas the blue dye is fading out completely to my old boring dark brown. I'm here, squatting over the toilet, examining the locks of hair falling in front of my face, lightedy by the buzzing light of the Ok Hotel's restroom. I flush the toilet and pull up my pants and then I can hear the sound of the club's music going up and down straight away, followed by chattering and laughing sounds of female voices. Somebody else got in so I'll just stay here some more. I don't know why but I don't like meeting other people when I get out of the bathroom, it makes me nervous. I have nothing against going to the bathroom in three, five, ten girls all together, but if I have to pee, I'm the one who always goes last and tells the others to go first and that she'll meet them later outside. I can't use this system with strangers, especially in public toilet rooms in clubs with never ending queues outside the door. What do I do then? Either I hold my pee or I give up, trying to avoid eye contact with the girl getting in after me, who surely doesn't give a damn about me and just wants to fuckin' pee. This time though, it's early, the show has yet to start and the restroom was empty, at least until these people got in. Who knows how many are they? From the voices they seem three, I won't have to wait for that long. I just hope none of them will start wondering why the door of my stall is locked.

“Have you already heard these Pearl Jam guys play?” my ears don't miss the question asked by one of them since I'm focusing on their conversation, until now only to understand when they'd leave, but now even more interested.

“Not yet, but Emma did, right?” another voice, a little higher-pitched than the previous one, replies.

“Yeah, and the singer is so fuckin' hot!” the third voice has a vague Boston accent, I can't decide if it's a real accent the girl's trying to hide or a fake one she's putting up on purpose, I don't know why. And the accent is the first thing that catches my attention, more than what she actually says.

“Well, you don't need to hear him sing to say that, you just need eyes to look” the first voice chuckles.

“Yeah, he looks fine if you just see him around but on a stage? He's much sexier. You'll see and you'll agree with me”

“He's not bad but I'm more oriented towards the bass player” voice number two chimes in again but her friends immediately drown it out.

“We know, we know!”

“You've been oriented like that since Green River, maybe it's time to change your orientation since you've been getting no chance in hell, what do you think?”

“He'll be single once again sooner or later, won't he? He won't marry Miss Perfection, I mean...” the harmless, and after all kind of flattering, nickname these chicks just gave my friend bothers me a little, unlike their appreciation of Eddie. Actually I'm almost... pleased? By what they say? Yes, pleased. Am I normal or what?

“Aim for the accessible single ones in the band, trust me” Emma-maybe-Boston tries to discourage her friend from her crush on Jeff.

“That is the guitar player only”

“Who? Stone? Hasn't he recovered from his fucked up relationship with Psycho Valerie yet? Or you mean the other one?”

“The other one. Stone has a girlfriend, he must have found a new trust in women”

“Or he's just keeping this girl at a safe distance from his guitars hehehe”

Ok who's Valerie? I must remember to ask Meg.

“So the only ones left are the lead guitar and the singer. You're taking the guitar player”

“The singer isn't single”

“Isn't he?” “Really?” the other two ask at the same time.

“No, he has a girlfriend back home waiting for him or who's about to come and move out here with him, it depends on how it goes with the band”

“Where is he from?”

“California, don't know where exactly”

“Los Angeles”

“Shut up. Do you believe someone who wants to make music for a living would leave LA, which is like the center of the world where everything happens, and come to fuckin' Seattle? I've heard he's from near San Francisco”

“NO, SAN DIEGO” in the heat of the moment I almost can't understand who the fourth voice belongs to, then here comes the realization: it's me, coming out of the stall, basically screaming.

“And you... how do you know? Who are you?” now that I look at the trio I see they're nothing like I imagined. Voice number one, who's sort of the gang leader to me, is as tall as me, skinny and all eyes, big beautiful green eyes, dark hair pulled up in a tight high ponytail, giant loop earrings. Boston girl looks like she just came out from an episode of Baywatch, blonde, blue eyes, body of a model squeezed in a black mini-dress. Jeff's fan with the high pitched voice is the tallest one, a swimmer's body with broad shoulders highlighted by a strapless tube top, dark eyes, hook nose that gives and exotic and charming air.

“I know because I know him” I shrug as I bend over the sink to wash my hands, focusing my whole attention on the fuckin' pink strands in my hair in the mirror.

“Wait... yeah, I think I saw you with Stone and Jeff's friend, the blond chick who works at Roxy's... how is she called?”

“Meg, she's my roommate” I answer to the boss looking at her through the mirror.

“Do you know Jeff? Does he still have a girlfriend?”

“Hehe yes, I'm sorry”

“See, I told you!”

“I'll fall back on the singer then, his girlfriend is in San Diego, it's an out-of-sight-out-of-mind situation, she'll never know”

“He's not with that girl anymore, they broke up when he moved here” I stop here before adding any more intimate and unrequested details, although I have a senseless and sudden will to give them all out to these girls.

“SEE? HE'S SINGLE THEN!”

“I knew that”

“Actually... he's dating another girl, a girl here in Seattle” and that would be me and it's like I'm desperate to tell them, but why? What's happening to me? Am I becoming jealous? I told Eddie his jealousy towards Jerry made no sense but at least that had some factual basis. After all Jerry's my ex, he came over looking for me and we spent some time alone in a small enclosed space. These are just some random girls who've only said Eddie's cute. Thanks a lot. He is. It's only natural they like him. Why am I talking then?

“And who's she?”

“Well, dating someone is not like putting a ring on their finger”

“What's his name anyway?”

“Yeah, right, what's his name?”

“Eddie”

“And what's Eddie like? I mean, as a guy, is he nice?”

“He's...” he's sweet, sexy, funny, shy, crazy, romantic, goofy, protective, quiet, clumsy, smart, passionate, practical, loyal, honest, reliable and other 800 adjectives more, which come to my mind and I keep to myself”... he's ok, he doesn't talk much, but he's cool”

“A hot guy who doesn't speak much: the perfect man” the blond girl states and all three of them laugh.

In the meantime I keep on washing my hands and if I go on like this I'll get webbed fingers soon. I turn off the tap and shake the water off my hands in the sink before heading up to the dryer hanging on the wall next to the door, feeling three pairs of eyes on me.

“Can you introduce us to him?” the beanpole asks me when I already have one hand on the door handle and I'm about to leave.

“Sure!” I smile at them and I'm still trying to decipher my behaviour when I get out of the bathroom, followed by the gang of three, and who do I find standing right there, one hand in his pocket and the other one holding a full glass?

“Hey, there you are finally! I was getting worried. Was there a queue?” he asks, noticing I'm not the only one coming out of the restroom. I walk up to him, my hands are still kind of wet so I rub them on the legs of my jeans, I'm conscious I have the trio's eyes still on me and then I do something honestly uncomprehensible: I throw my arms around Eddie's neck and kiss him like I had last kissed him last month and not twenty minutes ago, backstage, trying to get some kind of reaction out of Stone and Dave, who right at that moment were not looking at us though. What's wrong with me? Have I become a showoff?

“I was chatting with the girls” I back up from his lips, steal the beer from his hands and take a sip, then I turn around to face the trio of dropped jaws behind my back.

“He doesn't talk much but makes himself clear” the leader is the one who breaks the ice and makes her friends, and me I must admit, giggle.

“Very clear, I see” the tall girl adds.

“Haha come on, let's go. Bye Eddie, good luck with the show!” Boston vamp takes the other two by the hands and they all say bye and leave.

“Bye Eddie!”

“God, we made fuckin' fools of ourselves”

“Why? We said nothing bad after all”

“It was embarrassing though...”

I follow their conversation as long as I can and when the girls are out of my radar, I turn back around and find Eddie's perplexed eyes staring at me.

“Do you know them?”

“More or less. Come on, let's go, you're up next soon”

Eddie and I part ways after a kiss right in front of the stage, after we noticed Meg coming our way. Anyway when we end the kiss we see she's more focused on cursing against a guy, who's guilty of bumping into her and almost spilling his drink on her new t-shirt, rather than looking at us and noticing our public display of affection. Eddie shrugs, nods at Meg and goes backstage to get ready for the concert.

“You can stop pretending you know nothing about Eddie and I now”

“Really? Ok but that jerk really wasn't even looking where he was going!” she searches for the stranger in the crowd but he's already gone and disappeared.

“Yeah, we decided to tell everybody. I mean, to let people know. Stop hiding, you know”

“Uh! So is that why you're randomly making out all around the club?”

“Shut up!”

“Right, maybe you didn't stick your tongue into his throat right under the mixer station. And not even in front of the restrooms”

“Hahaha stop it! Anyway, ehm, it actually happened in front of the restrooms, also”

“HA!”

“Talking about that... I need counselling... with Dr Meg”

“Uhm”

“You know I don't like to take advantage of your psychology studies”

“Very poor studies”

“And of your great and not academic only enthusiasm for the subject but... I'm weird and I need you to tell me why I'm weird”

“Ok so, first of all thank you for your surely mistaken trust in me, because it must be huge if you think what I know is enough to solve the Angelina Pacifico's enigma”

“I'm being serious”

“And I'm also flattered, 'cause usually it's me intruding your private life trying to analyze you and make you reason BUT this time it's you asking me spontaneously. I feel tears coming out of my eyes”

“I acted strange earlier and I can't say why”

“Ok, shoot”

I ignore her sarcasm, even though I appreciate it, and tell her everything about the three girls I met at the bathroom, while she listens to me in unnatural silence. Unnatural both for her, 'cause honestly I don't think I've ever heard her keeping her mouth shut for so long, and for the place, a crowded bar full of people, voices and sounds, I mean, pure chaos.

“So? What's wrong with me? Am I jealous like Eddie? Is jealousy contagious? Or have I just become a bitch?”

“Is Eddie jealous?”

“Yep. Well, yeah, a little” I don't wanna talk about this right now, maybe next time.

“Healthy amount of jealousy”

“Healthy... I mean, what's healthy? Jealousy is not healthy, it's stupid. And it looks I'm getting stupid too”

“I don't completely agree with you about that. Anyway your scene has got nothing to do with jealousy, my dear”

“No?”

“OH no, that's not jealousy, I'll tell you what it is. It's three things”

“Three?”

“Number one: you're pedantic”

“Romantic?” I can't hear shit in the noisy crowd with the loud music on.

“I said PEDANTIC! You're pedantic, you can't help it. If someone says a wrong thing you gotta correct them, nothing can hold you back, not even your pathological shyness. Had it been a matter of jealousy, you'd have jumped out immediately, insulting them and telling those three to keep their hands off your man. Instead you just stayed there, locked inside that stinky stall listening to those girls drooling after your boyfriend until they've started churning out incorrect facts. That's when you lost it, you had to speak up and give them the truth”

“So I put myself at the center of the attention only to lecture them?”

“Not just that but also for that. In this you and Stone are the fuckin' same, let me tell you. You're scarily the same”

“Shut up, you give me the creeps!”

“Number two: you're seeking approval”

“Approval?”

“Everybody wants to be liked, but someone wants it more than others, especially those with a wobbly self-esteem”

“What's self-esteem?”

“If you were jealous, you'd describe those three like sluts or ugly monsters of both, but you didn't. It almost seems like you liked them”

“Because I did, I liked them”

“Exactly. Three nice funny girls who shared a common interest with you, without knowing. You told them you knew Eddie because deep inside you wanted them to accept you and approve you”

“Oh”

“Number three... well, number three is my favourite”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. Because, Angie, my friend, I'm glad to tell you that at the venerable age of 18”

“And a half”

“Eighteen and a half...” she corrects herself rolling her eyes “... after all this time, you finally learned one of the main concept of life, as well as one of the most pleasurable feelings”

“That is?”

“Hahahaha showing off, of course”

“Showing off? I've never shown off anything in my whole life!” maybe just a couple of seconds, that infamous unlucky night, with the waitress of Canlis restaurant, waiting for Jerry. And see what happened next.

“That's why I said it took you a few years to get cocky...”

“Getting cocky for what then?”

“Because Eddie's your boyfriend!”

“And what's with me? It's not like I did anything, it's not a merit, it's not something one merits and shows off like a medal!”

“That's what yo say but your subconscious thinks differently. Think about it, you found approval from your new friends and when you saw Eddie you could have just introduce them to him briefly and just leave with him, but you didn't. You aimed right at Vedder and kissed him right in front of them, knowing exactly you'd have made their jaw drop. And don't even try to tell me it just came out like that and you didn't think for a second about their reaction because I won't fuckin' believe you”

“Well, actually, ok, yeah, I thought of it, a little...”

“You're with the guy they all liked, that's the ultimate approval, almost a consacration”

“I show off for no valid reason, what have I become”

“Don't overreact now, please!”

“I'm a horrible person!”

“Angie-drama starting in 3, 2, 1...” Meg counts down with her fingers inches from ny nose.

“Can't you understand? It means I treated Eddie like an object, like a bargaining chip”

“You're with a cute guy and you rubbed it in those girls' faces a little, it's not like anyone died or something!”

“A trophy to nurture my self-confidence”

“You're making it worse and bigger than it actually is. That is, as you always do”

“A decent guy gives a fuck about me and my head gets big all of a sudden?”

“A decent guy gives a fuck about you, you're a couple and you don't have to hide for any reason. When was the last time it happened to you?”

“Err... quite some time?” a normal relationship? I'd say it's been years. Anyway, have I ever had a normal relationship at all?

“You're with the singer of a fucking cool band everybody's talking about in town, I'd scream it at the face of everyone I meet. Listen to me: aren't you proud of Eddie and what he's doing with the band?”

“Yeah”

“So you're proud and your showing, like you showed those three”

“Sucking face with Eddie right in front of them?”

“Exactly. By the way, considering you're sucking face with him in every corner of this place, they'd have seen you anyway sooner or later”

“Not necessarily, especially if they're as watchful as our friends, who haven't noticed yet”

“Or maybe they noticed but just want to be discreet”

“Discretion? Stone?”

“Well, thinking about it...”

“Talking about Stone; who's Valerie?”

“OH MY GOD, VALERIE?? WHERE IS SHE?!”

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

“It's so weird to me that everybody hates the Kingdome. I mean, that's your stadium!” since I came here in Seattle I've never met a single sports fan who hasn't complained about the stadium or easily dismissed it as a simple location that's not so much loved by the citizens. Jerry is no exception, as we talk at the bar waiting for our drinks.

“It's not like we hate it, it's just it could be better, you know? Surely it doesn't suck as much for footbal as for baseball. Or maybe it's just a matter of different point of views: if the Mariners didn't play like shit, it would be the place of the heart, like Wrigley Field for Chicago hehe”

“Sacrilege! I've never been there yet, I gotta go and see” I playfully push him away and grab the glass the barman has just given to me. Cantrell does the same and says thanks with a nod since I buyed him the drink and keeps on talking.

“I walked into the field, actually I ran on it! Six years ago, no, seven, when the Seahawks beat Raiders 13 to 7 at the Wild Card Game and the supporters stormed the field at the end. The following week we'd fuck it all up and Miami would destroy us but in that moment we believed we could make it! Anyway the people is what makes the Kingdome good”

“The twelfth man, right?” I nod and as I look around I casually make eye contact with Angie, who's not so far.

“Yep, other than that and the adrenaline, the field itelf sucks, it seemed to walk on concrete covered with green carpet”

“Wrigley though, I'd sleep on that field...” I look the same direction as before but I can't see my girlfriend anymore “On the bleachers too”

“At the Kingdome you can sleep well too, the roof protects you when it rains. Some parts of it might break and fall onto your head but how bad can it be?” Jerry chuckles and sips his whiskey but he almost chokes on it, and I do too, when someone casually appears between us from out of nowhere and basically yells into our ears.

“HI GUYS! ARE YOU HAVING FUN??”

“Jesus! Hey Angie, uhm yeah, sure” Jerry gives her a perplexed look whereas I instinctively put my arm around her shoulders.

“WHY?”

“What do you mean why?”

“I mean, uhm, you know, what for? What are you talking about?”

“Baseball” I answer probably with star-shaped eyes, just like every time I think about my favourite sport.

“And football” Cantrell adds then drinks up his whiskey with one last sip.

“Sports uh? A typical conversation between male friends...”

“Not necessarily betwe-” I'm about to argue with the idea sport is an exclusively male interest when my colleague interrupts me.

“Now I think I gotta go and find Sean. I saw Layne with Demri before so I think they made up and he'll go to her place so I probably have to go home with my drummer. See ya!”

“See you!” I say bye as he leaves with his hands in his pockets and Angie does the same but in a louder voice.

“BYE! Ok, what's going on? What's wrong?” she addresses me right away with an extremely serious expression on her face.

“What's going on? Nothing's wrong”

“What were you talking about for real?”

“What do you mean? Sports, we told you”

“Sure. And I'm Doris Sams” she folds her arms and gives me a side look.

“Are you a secret baseball player as well by any chance?” I let go of her, I fold my arms too and look at her suspiciously.

“No”

“I can't believe it! We gotta go out and throw a ball sometimes”

“I can't play! But I know the game and I know a couple of history facts, I remind you my dad is a fan of basically all the sports”

“I don't know... you're very good at pretending not to be able to do things, aren't you?”

“And you and your friend are very good at pretending nothing's happening and changing the topic of the conversation at the right time, aren't you?”

“My friend?”

“Jerry... well, friend, sort of...”

“We were really talking about the Kingdome”

“Sure. And the debate was so animated you even shoved him”

“Haha I gave him a little nudge, as a joke”

“Oh you were just kidding, of course”

“Angie, I don't know what's going on in your head and I don't know what you saw but really, we were just making small talk”

“Small talk?”

“Yes”

“You and Jerry talk?”

“Yeah. As you know, human beings are social animals, they interact with each other and-”

“Cut the crap! You know what I mean...”

“It's not like we're best friends or something but we know each other so we happen to have a chat from time to time” I shrug and on one hand I find it funny that Angie came here running, fearing for an upcoming duel between me and her ex, on the other hand I think he'd actually deserve a couple of punches after all.

“And you didn't talk about anything else?”

“No, what would we talk about?”

“I don't know, maybe you told him something about the other night...”

“Why would I?” I thought Angie would tell me to fuck off after that fuckin' scene I made but we made up the next day instead, problem solved. Why would I rock the boat?

“Well, I don't know, maybe because you threw a fit at me!” she retorts and suddenly she almost looks disappointed.

“That's different, I'm with you, not with him...”

“Ok but you almost ate me alive on the phone. And with him? Nothing? He just gets away with it like that? A chat at the bar like two old friends?”

“Sorry Angie, I don't understand. One second ago you were all alarmed because you thought I had told him something and now you're offended because I didn't. Is it that I'm limited and I just don't get it or does it make like no fuckin' sense at all?”

She opens her mouth as if she's about to answer, then she shuts up and looks around like she's looking for the right words through the crowd. In the end she admits, almost mortified: “It doesn't make fuckin' sense at all, I don't even know what I mean honestly”

“Hey, it's alright, ok? Jerry and I are on normal decent terms as two colleagues. And who gives a fuck about Jerry anyway” I take her face between my hands so she's forced to look at me as I smile to reassure her and let her know she's getting worried for nothing.

“Ok. But how do you do it? I mean, like, when you talk about me”

“Easy: we don't talk about you. Do you want something to drink?” I answer straight, turn back towards the bar to get the bartender's attention and order another round for me only, since Angie shakes her head no.

“Ok, right, but what if it happens?”

“It doesn't happen. Not even coke? Or juice?”

“No, thanks. But how can you be sure? What if my names comes up during a conversation, what do you do?”

“We don't do anything because that can't be, Angie... Windbreaker?”

“Wrong answer. Anyway the fact it hasn't happened so far doesn't mean it can't happen in the future” Angie smiles at my casual attempt at guessing her second name but doesn't let go on the topi.

“I'm 100% sure it can't happen. Jerry and I don't talk about you, we just don't”

“Never?”

“Never. We have a deal” the last bit slips out of my mouth and I regret it one second later, as soon as I see Angie's face as she registers this piece of information.

“You have... WHAT??”

“We made a non-aggression agreement that satisfies both parties” ok, I'm not 100% satisfied, and Jerry neither for sure, but it's working now.

“You made a deal with Cantrell? About me? And when?” after every questions she takes a small break that lasts a couple of seconds, in which I shake my head yes. But the third question requires a more articulated answer.

“In San Diego” kind of articulated.

“SAN DIEGO? You told Jerry about us when I left?”

“Actually, before that...”

“BEFORE??”

“And it wasn't me telling him anyway, it was the other way round” Angie doesn't look convinced or maybe she's just confused. So I tell her about the little quarrel Jerry and I had at the Yates Club, about how Jerry had figured it all out and got mad at me for not telling him.

“Wait, correct me if I'm wrong: you mean he did everything he wanted when he was with me but he had the nerve to get angry because you hadn't let him know on advance that you were interested in his ex girlfriend? The ex girlfriend he treated like shit? Why would you show him this courtesy? And how did he understand we liked each other anyway?”

“Maybe he's a good observer.” or maybe I just suck at hiding what I feel but I don't say that because she sucks as much at understanding other people's feelings and I don't wanna hurt her “Anyway he was right to some extent, we were on tour together and from time to time he asked me about you and confided in me and I could have told him or just talk about something else. Instead I just stayed there listening to him. So I was kind of an asshole too”

“He confided with you?”

“Yes”

“And what did he say about me?”

“Why do you care? Is it important? And then, well, can't you imagine?” if I got so jealous the other night is also because I know he's still into her.

“No, but I'm curious to know: 1) how he's still alive, 2) how you held back throughout the tour”

“I don't know, maybe it's just because of a certain promise I made to a certain special person about not kicking the ass of a certain ex and keeping a certain secret and not starting any trouble in general”

“Wow, you're a man of his word then”

“I'm someone you can trust”

“Will you make a deal with me too then?”

“Sure, anything you want princess”

“The deal is... we won't talk about Jerry anymore”

“Uh”

“Like never, ok?”

“Well, I mean...”

“I won't mention him to you and you won't mention him to me. It's not like we can erase him from our lives, we simply won't actively have any more conversations about him, what do you think?”

“It's not that simple...”

“Well, if you can make an agreement with him, I can't see why you can't make the same kind of deal with me, since I'm also your girlfriend” she folds her arms once again and from the look she's giving me I know I won't get out of this alive if I don't accept this fuckin' agreement. The only thing I can do is trying to get the most out of it.

“In fact I can do it. I'm in...” I hold out my hand for her to shake it “on one condition”

“What is it?” she lets go of my hand and looks suspicious, I think she really don't know where I'm getting at.

“That you finally tell me your second name” she rolls her eyes and barely hides her smile, maybe she was expecting something worse.

“Ok, agreed” she shakes my hand again and I'm all ears.

“So?”

“You know I'm giving you the most powerful weapon, right? You'll make fun of me as long as I live for this”

“I bet it's a beautiful name, I can't wait to know, I'm super psyched”

“Just like my parents when they chose my second name, like I'm pretty sure they were literally under the influence of psychedelics when they decided to call me like that”

“Call you what?”

“Angelina... Something Wind Pacifico”

“But if you're a W. it can't be-”

“The other half of the word starts with a W too”

“Whirlwind!” I say straight off and for an immediate word association the lyrics of Like a hurricane by Neil Young start running in my head and I can already picture her as the perfect main character of that masterpiece of a song.

“No, it's all together but actually it would be a separated word”

“Oh” are you sure? Because that name was pretty perfect.

“It's an adjective” she points out while, in my daydream, I leave the hazy bar and close the door behind my back.

“Windy Wind?”

“Hahaha fuck you, Eddie!”

“Ok, I'm serious now. Warm wind?” I think about the warmth of her hugs and her presence in general but she shakes her head no.

“My mother was... is a fan of Nina Simone. So?”

“Uhm...”

“Maybe I can help you a little more if I tell you Station to station by David Bowie”

I mentally run through the album's tracklist until I get to maybe one of Bowie's best vocal performances ever, right at the end of the record.

Wild is the wind

“Angelina Wildwind Pacifico”

“Guilty as charged”

“It's fucking cool!”

“Ok but... wild wind? Me? Can you picture me with a name like that?” she blushes and shakes her head and hides her face behind her hands.

“Actually it suits you perfectly”

“Sure, it suits to the most boring and average person on the planet”

“No, it suits to the strongest and most unpredictable and most breathtakingly beautiful person in the world. At least, in the part of world that I know, which by the way is the only part I care about because you're there” Angie removes her hands from her face and looks straight into my eyes without opening her mouth and for a minute there I get the illusion I managed to leave her speechless or, at least, in the condition of being forced to take a fucking compliment for once.

“Hahaha well, it really is a shitty world!” she cracks up all of a sudden and hugs me, so tight.

“How fuckin' stupid are you from 0 to 10?” I hold tighter.

“I don't know but I'd say we have a deal now, right?” she looks up and gets free from my embrace just to stretch her hand towards me and seal this agreement for good.

“Right, deal done” I shake her hand, then pull her back to me to kiss her and seal this pact my way.

***************************************************************************************************************************

Time to take a ride, time to take it in a midnight eye

And if you want to go, get on below

“Ok, where the hell are those two now? Dave and I have to unwrap our presents!” we all more or less managed to bunch up around a couple of tables at the Ok Hotel. I tap Krusen on the shoulder and he suddenly awakes. He zoned out completely when the Sonic Youth's song started. Or maybe when the whole evening started.

“I kind of saw them earlier at the bar” it's the drummer's wild guess and considering he basically spent the whole time at the bar, before and after the show, he could have seen Angie and Eddie any time. They could as well be in Mexico by now.

“They're not at the bar anymore, that's where we're coming from” McCready and Staley join us with two fresh beers in their hands, talking of people who should tone it down a little.

“Huh they must be tongue-kissing around here somewhere” Stone is sitting right in front of me, keeping one hand on Grace's shoulder and waving the other hand in the air while he speaks, as to brush it off like an unimportant thought.

“Who? Eddie and Smurfette?” Cornell Gazette from the other end of the table couldn't miss the breaking news and both Stone and Grace nod.

“They've been doing nothing else all night, they're on the edge of public indecency” Mike enriches the gossip story some more, followed by Ben and Kim, who put up a show and got us all bent in laughter.

“I've never seen anything like that”

“At some point we timed them”

“We were bored”

“Twelve minutes and a half of tongue”

“Contjnuous, uninterrupted tongue. I mean, with no breaks whatsoever”

“They looked like two fuckin' 14-year-olds”

“Well, Angie's still a teenager after all, it makes sense”

“Ok but what about Eddie? And how... just on a practical level, I mean, I don't get how they could fuckin' breathe through all that”

“They must have gills, fuck if I know”

“Hahahaha you're such assholes!” my girlfriend scolds us all but only slaps me on the nape.

“Well they're just making up for lost time and you're just jealous” Meg joins her in defending the two lovebirds.

“I get it but TWELVE MINUTES AND THIRTY SECONDS” Kim repeats punctuating every single word about the record timing.

“Jealous and peeping Toms!” Graces chimes in too.

“They were on top of the stairs, it was impossible not to see them” the guitarist shrugs and his bass player nods.

“From every view point and corner”

“Twelve minutes and a half on the stairs?” I playfully add fuel to the fire, the two musicians look at me and their arms flap out.

“Yes!”

“Then the record is that Angie didn't fall down the stairs on anybody, given her history” Chris snickers under his moustache.

“God you love that story so much!” Layne almost chokes on his beer then laughs at Cornell's face.

“Ok ok, anyway, you're shit guys, this all mess for some P.D.A.s? Just because they loosened up a bit, it doesn't mean they're living 24/7 connected at the mouth li- Oh wait, yeah, there they are, they're kissing next to the door” Meg abruptly interrupts her speech and it's kind of comic because we all turn around together at the exact same moment and among those in the back there's someone standing up, getting closer or stretching their neck to give a better look at the not-so-new couple. Even strangers passing by turn the same direction to see what the fuck we're looking at.

We don't know if it's been more than twelve minutes and a half since the beginning of their laters make out session, but those two break away from their kiss and Eddie looks right towards us. We turn the other way around and in a second we're back at talking, well, pretending to talk as if nothing happened, as if he hadn't caught us red handed. Out of the corner of my eye I see them coming over and I casually lift up my voice.

“Alright, I love Goo too, it's a hell of a record, it goes without saying. What I meant is that putting it on in a club and just playing it front to back for two or three times, letting it go, it just gives me a sense of... sloppiness? That's how you call it, right? I'm not saying you have to pay a dj or some fucking guy just to put records on and select music, but they could at least take some time to make a fuckin' mix tape or something and put that on, even on repeat, it doesn't seem so difficult to me. Oh hey guys, where have you been?” I address Stone and Dave first, who look at me weirdly, then to Andie and Eddie walking up to the table.

“Round here. Have you already opened your presents? There's mine left!” Angie rummages into her bag looking for something, then picks out a not so small package.

“Cool, a new brush set, thank you!” I cheer as I unwrap it.

“A little bird told me you needed new ones...” Angie looks up playing dumb, exactly like the bird I know very well who's standing beside her. These two fuckers belong together.

“Oh and this is mine” the little bird sticks his hands into his girl's bag and takes out another package, which turns out to be Subway art, a photobook about graffiti art I've been wanting to buy for ever.

I can say this was a lucky birthday for me, with strings, cords, tool kits, acryic paint set, a couple of gift cards for Easy Street Records, which I loved quite as much as the supermarket voucher Meg gave to me. All useful presents but I loved the (apparently) less useful ones too, like the Marshall jack rack key holder with four plug key chains: thanks to the Alice guys!

During the whole presents and wishes exchange, Eddie and Angie are sitting in a corner and basically being the special observed ones, since everybody watches them like you watch a documentary about animals during the mating season. The couple takes part to the conversation and just ignore the rest, yet they whisper something to each other from time to time.

“By the way, Angie's got something to tell you” Eddie comes out of nowhere with this, in a moment we were all silent, catching our breath after a joke by Stone, who suggested Touch me, I'm Dick as the title of the stand out song of our fake band in Cameron Crowe's movie. By the way, who knows if Chris has already wrote something for the songs of Cliff's solo demo? I gotta remember to ask him.

“What?” Meg asks first, since nobody's speaking, not even Angie, who first gave Eddie a nasty look, then turned pale as she looked at us one by one.

“Is it about the movie?” Layne asks.

“No, it's not about the movie”

“Are you quitting college?” Dave tries.

“No! Why should I?” Angie denies it firmly.

“Is it personal?” if I didn't know him, I'd say Stone is trying to put Angie at ease and help her spit it all out. But since I know him too well, I can say without a shadow of doubt he's just enjoying himself playing with the poor girl.

“Well, yeah, but... mmm... it's not just about me, you know”

“Who else then?” I inquire.

“Eddie” “Me” the two lovebirds reply at the same time.

“Oh fuck, are you pregnant?” McCready stands out as usual for his caution and sensitiveness.

“OH MY GOD, NO! WHAT THE HELL, MIKE?” Angie stands up in shock while Eddie simply laughs.

“So? What's the news?” Cornell is all ears and right now I'm picturing him armed with a pen and notepad as an old-time reporter.

“What Angie's trying to say is that-” Eddie wipes his eyes with he sleeve of his shirt and tries to give an answer but the girl is faster.

“We're together”

“...”

“Eddie and I, we're together”

“...”

“We've been for a while”

“Almost a month” he suggests to her in a low voice.

“Almost a month” she repeats and she looks into our eyes searching for something she can't find and apparently she's just concluded the best thing to do is to keep adding details or to repeat the same concept with different words until she'll find it. Or until any of us opens their mouth.

“...”

“Something more than three weeks”

“...”

“We're basically a couple”

“...”

“I mean, he's my boyfriend and I-”

“And she's my girlfriend” Eddie ended the sentence for her.

“Wow, what a coincidence!” Stone can't hold back and I hide my face between my hands not to show I'm laughing.

“What do you mean?”

“Ok. You're together... and?” Mike tries to investigate some more and if he asks her if she's pregnant once again I swear I'm gonna laugh so hard that I'll fall out of my fuckin' chair.

“And nothing, that's it” Angie replies and sits back down.

“And that'd be great news?” Kim asks keeping a straight face.

“Why? What's wrong with it? Is it because you think I'm too young for him? Look, I know, we know. We talked about it actually, I understand tha-” Angie's about to launch herself into a hornet's nest with no way out but her roommate stops her and we all finally crack up.

“Totally unmotivated Angie-drama in 3, 2, 1...”

We all, but Angie of course.

“Why are you laughing? Is ther something I don't know?”

“What you don't know is that now everybody knows that what you believed none of us knew was actually well known by everyone” Stone answers in his style and Mike's face tells me he didn't understand shit.

“Huh?” exactly.

“He means we're laughing because we already knew what the news were about” I explain and the lightbulb in his head lights up.

“Uh!”

“You saw us then, I mean, tonight? Because, well, you didn't say anything...”

“Who do you think we are? We're discreet people!” Cornell states and it almost looks like he believes it.

“We knew before tonight anyway” Ben adds without thinking.

“You knew before? How? MEG?? You told them, right??” Angie stands back up and roars against her friend.

“How could she tell if she didn't know?” Eddie asks puzzled his now official girlfriend.

“No! Right! She didn't know! But... I don't know, maybe she figured it out. DID YOU FIGURE IT OUT?”

“I figured it out” Meg confesses.

“THAT'S IT!”

“But I didn't tell anyone, I swear” she holds up her hands, Angie believes her and looks at us one by one, before aiming straight at her boyfriend.

“YOU TOLD THEM!”

“No, I can assure you I kept my mouth shut, as you asked me”

“How did you know then?”

“Stone told me” McCready's voice of innocence out of nowhere.

“Stone told me too, because I was there as well that night. And Dave too” I confess and the drummer nods.

“Stone told us too, but it was some other time, at least I think so” Chris looks at Kim and Ben who shake their heads yes.

“For obvious reasons, he told me too” Grace raises her hand and shyly admits.

“Jeff told me because Stone told him” Laura chimes in.

“Is there someone Stone didn't tell anything to?” Angie blurts out.

“Me! I figured it all out by myself! I'm a genius!” Layne raises his hand and waves it around, as happy as the winner of a tv quiz.

“And you, how did you know, genius?” Angie turns to Gossard snarling at him but he answers calmly.

“I believe I knew even before you that you'd end up together, Smurfette”

“What do you mean?”

“That you both suck at playing the oblivious lovers. You're made for each other” I translate it all in Jeff-language and everybody nods in agreement, Eddie included.

“Were we so obvious?”

“Noooo”

“Not that much”

“It's not that”

“It's just Stone's a very good observer”

“It's just Stone doesn't mind his own fuckin' business”

These are just some of the answers we give in no particular order just not to make her feel little Angie like shit.

“Come on, it was clear from the beginning they had a connection. Since the first time they met at the Off Ramp, I realized it at my own expense since I had bet on it, do you remember Mikey?” I like the fact that Stone, just like me, remembers old memories based on bets we placed.

“Right! I lost ten bucks too because I thought you wouldn't talk to each other, yet you got along immediately, it looked like you already knew each other”

“I'm gonna ignore the umpteenth bet you made over your friend's head but... actually we already knew each other somehow” Angie reveals and the alarm goes off in my head.

“WHAT? REALLY? HOW?”

“Jeff?” Stone calls me immediately as I keep on trying to disguise the truth clumsily.

“HOW DID YOU KNOW EACH OTHER? THAT'S SOME NEWS!”

“I had met him at Roxy's the previous night, he came over to eat”

“NEWS AS IN IT'S A NEW THING, A NEW FACT I'VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE”

“So you didn't know about it Jeff?” Stone doesn't let go and by now it's obvious I got caught, I'm fucked.

My shit show at least has one merit: the following little bickering between Stone, Mike and I about the twenty dollars, which they think I owe them back, moves the attention away from Angie. Now she's finally free from the awkwardness and can sit back and enjoy the show of our friends kicking my ass, holding hands with her new boyfriend.

[pridewhatpride]

"rival"

There you are. You. Asking for a GX Rivalshipping drabble with 'Rival' as a keyword. Here you go. I hope you're happy ;; The length is around 2k words.

Special thanks to @deadkura for proofreading, but I note that any and all mistakes are on me. They were just... my poor lab rat. Apologies, my friend.

That aside, there are no warnings that need to be given, this is light-hearted in tone. Nobody dies and nobody gets hurt, aside from Shou who happens to be there at some point and just succumbs to the need to get on with some semblance of a plot.

... It's on Ao3 because why not. Here.

The story is below the cut! Enjoy (or don't)!

____ ____ ____

Manjoume could vaguely remember the first time he’d watched the Battle City recordings. He couldn’t remember when it had been exactly, but he did know he’d been at a classmate’s house with a bunch of other kids. He had a faint memory of being pressed up against other children, all of them shouting and cheering along as the duel between Seto Kaiba and Yugi Mutou came to a roaring end.

… It had been noisy. And he’d found himself mildly annoyed. Not that the duel didn’t have him on the edge of his seat- quite the opposite. He was completely mesmerised by the unforgiving tornado of grace that was Seto Kaiba, most of all. Perhaps that was why he’d found the others to be so bothersome in that specific instance. It seemed very rude to him that they would take him out of the experience with their screams. Was that fun? Was it supposed to be fun? Was he simply out of the loop? Should he have been screaming, too?

The thing he could recollect with a surprising amount of clarity was some kid who’d grabbed his arm to get him off the couch. To this day, he still had no clue what his name was.

“Jun! Come on, I want to play Yugi! You can be Kaiba!”

He remembered muttering something about the suggestion being extremely stupid. The kid wasn’t Yugi Mutou and neither of them possessed any Duel Monsters cards. What was the point of just replicating what they had just watched on screen? They could just… rewatch the scene. But the kid had seemed to be very set on the idea and when Manjoume looked around to see expectant looks on the others’ faces, he ended up giving in. He remembered thinking something along the lines of: ‘Why me?’ And even in retrospect, it made very little sense. He’d never played with this specific kid before. He was a friend of a friend- or a friend of someone he thought was a friend at the time.

“Why do I have to do this?” He had ended up asking, not hiding any sign of his annoyance. “Because you’re like Kaiba!” “I am?” “Yeah! You always say mean things like him! And Taro says you’re like… super rich.”

The rest was a bit of a blur, but he remembered being the ‘Kaiba’ of the group, for as long as it lasted. Which wasn’t a very long time, admittedly. But it had been the one and only ‘friend group’ he’d found himself being a part of, up until he’d entered the dueling circuits, when people started sucking up to him either because of his early successes or just to see what could be squeezed out of the youngest of the Manjoume brothers.

Reminiscing about things like that was… weird, to say the least. He wondered why he’d been that stuck up, even as a kid. He just couldn’t figure out what exactly had made him believe that acting like he was above everyone else could get him anywhere at all. Of course he was aware of the futility of the act, now that he’d grown up and a few years had passed, but it turned out that knowing something on a rational level does not, in fact, equal being able to put it into practise.

… He knew why he was doing what he was doing, anyways. It had stopped being meanness for the sake of being mean when he knew he could get away with it and had stepped into habit territory. And he hadn’t been allowed to go to Duel Academy so that he could make friends who shared the same hobby. He had imagined that 3 years could go by in the blink of an eye if he got involved as little as possible. All that mattered was winning duels, right? And the last thing he needed in order to do that was to start caring about his opponent’s feelings, really.

The thing he hadn’t really considered was that, maybe, his winning streak wouldn’t last forever. He should have known that the outcome of a duel did not depend entirely on how driven one was. It was still fucking annoying to have to see everyone’s surprised- no, incredulous faces upon seeing him finally defeated. Finally, yes. Clearly people had been waiting for nothing more than to see him brought to his knees. It turned out they had firmly believed he had no actual merits outside of his family connections. They had their long-awaited confirmation. He’d lost a single fucking duel. Obviously he was nothing but a blowhard.

Well, good. Whatever. He couldn’t have cared less.

What did infuriate him, however, were the words that the idiot who’d defeated him had exclaimed, entirely unaware of the fact that he’d just completely crushed everything Manjoume had tried to build for himself.

“That was a fun duel! We have to do this again some time!”

He hadn’t cared to stay behind to listen to anything else the other had to say. The guy clearly hardly had a clue where he was or what he was studying to become. Who had allowed that moron to smile like that while trampling his pride? How the fuck had Manjoume let himself be defeated by someone like that?

May the fucker go to hell. Him and his dumb red uniform. Everyone in the Academy. They could fucking die for all he cared. And Manjoume would have probably laughed at the sight.

He really thought he would have. And yet.

As he was going over his deck, sitting with his back against a tree, doing his best to avoid anyone and everyone, he heard footsteps approaching, accompanied by two voices he felt he knew.

“Aniki, I still can’t believe you beat that guy- he’s an Obelisk Blue- and the top ranking first year at that!” … Is this- “He is? Well, that checks out, he was pretty tough.” That’s- Yuki Judai. No doubt about it. “But you beat him.” … Because that needed to be pointed out, how insightful. “Doesn’t everyone lose at least once?” No. “Not against Osiris Red students!” Exactly. “… Why does that even matter in the first place?” It just fucking does, asshole. “Because! A top student isn’t supposed to lose against just anyone, Aniki! I don’t think he took that well.” … Who the fuck would. “Why, though. He didn’t duel poorly or anything. We were pretty evenly matched, there shouldn’t be shame in that.” “Doesn’t that just make it worse?” “… Does it?”

He’d known they were about to pass him, but didn’t bother getting up or making it look like he hadn’t heard anything. He’d clearly been right about this Yuki guy. A complete idiot who clearly understood nothing of what it meant to be a duelist. He glared at the two as they walked by.

… Ah, so the other was Marufuji. A failure younger brother, much like him. How ironic. The boy looked absolutely devastated to see him, too. What, wasn’t expecting the woods to have ears, eyes and a blue uniform?

He furrowed his eyebrows as Yuki abandoned his carefree walking posture, disentangling his fingers from behind his nape and letting his arms drop to his sides. And then proceeded to point straight at him, as if he’d just seen a mythological creature prancing about. Tch.

“It’s Manju!”

… Was that supposed to be a joke? Why was his first thought that that would make for an awful pet name?

After a second of silence, he decided there would be no harm in responding as he usually would to his name being tossed around improperly. “It’s Man-jou-me,” he corrected, making it a point to hold a hand up to count the three syllables as he spelled them out. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not actually food.”

Marufuji’s hands shot up to cover his face, at least he had the decency to be embarrassed for his friend. … But Yuki just laughed. “What! My name isn’t so forgettable that you’d just mistake it for dessert, asshole!” And laughed harder. “I-“ he paused to catch his breath. Manjoume looked on, entirely unimpressed. Hopefully. “Look- look, I’m not the best with names, I didn’t-“ a loud exhale. “I didn’t mean to make fun of you, I swear.” “… Sure you didn’t.” He tried to keep his voice as hostile as he could. But he… couldn’t fully bring himself to shut the guy down. He supposed his laughter was just contagious.

“Glad that’s settled!” He turned around to face a barely still present Marufuji. “See, Shou? The guy isn’t so bad!” Ah. Right. It had almost slipped his mind. “Aniki- please, I get it, there is no need-!”

“I’ll be winning the next one, anyways,” he said as he got up. And that, apparently, was enough to get both boys to gape uselessly. For half a second. Because before anything else could be said, Yuki shot him a thumbs up and a wide smile. “I’m counting on it, Manjoume!” He couldn’t stop himself from smirking back.

It didn’t take long for rumours to spread about a supposed rivalry between himself and Yuki Judai. It turned out that most off the students of the Academy had very little to do aside from gossiping about such things, which was honestly just a disappointment. Perhaps that was why Judai ended up growing on him, despite everything. While he wasn’t necessarily serious or studious by any means, he was… passionate. He meant it when he said that he was looking to have fun and, to an extent, it was admirable. Enjoy the game no matter the outcome. Easier said than done. But in a sense it was… pleasant to get along with and play against someone who was so different from him.

On one specific evening, they had ended up staying out, discussing strategies and dispensing sarcastic advice- or at least that was what Manjoume was doing. Judai actually seemed quite intent on asking how he’d built his deck and why he’d chosen certain card combos rather than others. They had had a match a few hours prior and Manjoume had surprised him with some new faces. Manjoume Jun was a lot of things and predictable wasn’t one of them. And if the way Judai’s face lit up whenever he pulled a surprise play was anything to go by… it was clearly a trait he appreciated immensely, which it was something that made him swell up with pride. To the point where, when switching out cards, he would often find himself thinking about what Judai’s reaction would look like upon the big reveal of his new strategy.

“It’s always my pleasure to be your lab rat, Manjoume.” The response came in the form of a light shove. “Oh shut up, I like testing out things and, clearly, so do you.” Judai’s laugh rang out, light and unintrusive. “You’re right about that, at least.”

They spent some minutes silently studying eachother’s decks. Manjoume had been about to comment on the card ratio, before Judai blurted out something that made him forget all about it. “We’re kind of like Yugi and Kaiba.” And then a necessary addition, judging by the urgency in his voice. “If they had been actual friends, that is.” … Huh. One of his eyebrows shot up. “Don’t tell me it’s because you win most of the times and I’m a stuck up asshole who also happens to be rich.” Judai laughed, as he always did. And it was only fair that after being shoved earlier he’d playfully punch Manjoume’s shoulder. “That could be one way to look at it, I guess.”

A small pause followed. And the increase in intensity of the sound of shuffling cards suggested that Judai was… nervous. “What I meant to say is that we’re rivals. Like them.” Majoume scoffed, without any actual bite, his eyes set on a Polymerisation copy. “That isn’t specific to them. Isn’t it just… normal? To have someone you want to defeat, I mean?” “Hah, so you admit I’m the role model you’re striving to overcome!” “I didn’t say anything of the sort, dumbass.” “… Well, for me… playing with you keeps the game fun.”

Manjoume actually looked away from the Elemental Heroes he’s been adamantly staring at. He turned to face Judai, who seemed to have been looking his way for some time.

He would do that a lot. Make a joke, get a snarky reply and immediately say something serious afterwards. What an idiot.

Fun he said, huh? “Not that it isn’t fun in and of itself, but it’s different, I guess. I find that I actually do want to win, when I’m up against you.” Judai’s hand moved to play with his bangs. “I didn’t think I’d ever think twice about a lost duel, but I… kind of do, now.”

“Oh yeah, sorry- Welcome to the magical world of normal people who don’t necessarily win every single time.” “You speak like I’m not the only one who’s beaten you.” “So do you, asshat.” Judai’s expression morphed back into a smile. “It’s refreshing to have a genuine challenge. If you were to quit I would probably lose my interest in playing, too.”

Ah. That part of the Yugi-Kaiba rivalry. He felt like he started to understand.

“Keep dreaming, Judai. I’m not quitting anytime soon. I vowed to never let you off the hook.”

He thought of what he could or should say next. A part of him suggested: ‘You make it fun for me, too.’ That wasn’t in his style, however.

“But I have to agree. I’d get really bored if winning were to become too easy. You’ll die before I allow you to quit, Judai.”

[musette22]

As it's Chris' birthday today, what's your Evanstan headcon for how they are spending it? We don't know if Chris is still in LA (as far as I know), do you think he might be back in Boston to be with his family? That would mean Seb could easily visit him now that the lockdown in NYC is over. Or would he fly to LA to celebrate with his bf? (He hasn't been seen in NYC in the last couple of days either, right?) Or will the only hang out virtually? I would love to know what you are imagining 😊

Hello darling!! So yesterday, I said I probably wasn’t going to write any Evanstan for a while, but then I woke up this morning and had a lovely little Evanstan headcanon fantasy about Chris’s birthday - as you do - and then I thought screw it, let’s write this thing. So here’s a little drabble (well, it should’ve been a drabble) about how Chris might have spent his birthday 😘

A/N: This is just a nonsensical little fantasy scenario that doesn’t actually make any sense, but the idea made me happy, so I hope it’ll make you guys happy too! Don’t look too closely, please, there’s some overlap with previous fics and this was all written very quickly and hasn’t been edited properly because it’s late where I am and I need to sleep lmao 🙈 Sorry about that!

Happy birthday, Mr. America 

*********

Chris likes surprises, generally speaking.

Not the nasty kind, like when a part unexpectedly falls through, or someone gets angry at him out of the blue and he doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. But he likes it when exciting things happen and shake things up a bit, like when he’s having a lazy day alone at home, and a friend suddenly shows up on his doorstep to tell him, change of plans, we’re going bungee jumping. When that happens, Chris will happily drop whatever he’s doing and jump in the car, because that’s the kind of thing that makes him feel alive.

So when he arrives at the Evans’ family house today, on his birthday, and is greeted by a chorus of Surprise! and Happy Birthdays from a bunch of people he hasn’t seen ages - literal years, in some cases - Chris is delighted and touched; excited to see familiar faces and catch up with his friends and family.

That excited feeling lasts for a solid few hours, until his Aunt Melanie corners him and starts telling Chris about her Pilates instructor. This isn’t the first time she’s tried to set Chris up with whichever wonderful girl she’s most recently met and feels would be perfect for Chris, but this time she’s really hammering on about how she just can’t understand why a good-looking, successful young man like him hasn’t found a wife yet. She no doubt means well, but that doesn’t mean Chris is about to go on a blind date with her Pilates instructor.

When he’s finally managed to excuse himself under the pretense of needing a bathroom break, he sneaks off to the back of the house, to his dad’s old study. As soon as the door closes behind him, he lets out a sigh of relief and leans back against it for a moment, catching his breath. He loves his family to bits, but there’s no denying they’re a lot. There’s a sofa in the study, a wide, navy blue one, and Chris lies down on it, stretching himself to his full length. He closes his eyes, hoping to nap for a couple of minutes, but no dice. His aunt’s comments play in his head on a loop, causing something uneasy to stir in his stomach.

The thing is, she’s right. He should already be married and have a couple of cute kids to dote on. He’s wanted to have a family and settle down for a long time, ever since he got done with sowing his wild oats and calmed down a little. He’s the long-term relationship kind, and there had been a few girlfriends with whom he thought he definitely could see a future.

That had been Before, though. Before Sebastian Stan had waltzed into his life and upended everything Chris thought he knew for certain, complicating everything in the best and worst possible way. After the initial shock of developing feelings for another guy wore off, Chris had simply accepted his infatuation as a fact of life, and it had become something he carried with him always, but never acted on or even spoke of. He wouldn’t know where to start. It was clear there was something between them, though. The way Sebastian looked at him sometimes… It had to mean something. For the longest time, they’d danced around each other, always just shy of outright flirting, and there had been a few times when Chris really thought something might finally happen between them. But it never did.

And now it never would. They’ve hardly even seen each other, over the past year, after they stopped working together. Sure, they kept in touch from time to time, but there is only so much keeping in touch two work friends can plausibly do before it gets weird or necessarily has to turn into something else. And Chris thought he’d accepted that, more or less.

But then last week, he and Scott had gotten drunk together – like really, stupidly drunk. At around 3 in the morning, Scott had put on The First Avenger so he could make fun of Chris in his skin tight leggings, and then suddenly Sebastian’s face had been right there on his TV screen: larger than life, young and handsome like he’d been when Chris first felt that tug in his gut when he’d looked at him.

And Chris, whose brain-to-mouth filter unfortunately ceases to exist entirely whenever he’s had too much to drink, had just blurted out, “I think I’m in love with him.”

Initially, Scott had thought Chris meant that Steve was in love with Bucky. 

“Well, clearly,” he’d slurred. “They’re soooo gay, oh my god.”

And instead of using the misunderstanding to cover up for his unfortunate drunken slip-up, Chris had slowly shook his head and corrected, “No, with Sebastian. ‘M in love with Sebastian. Have been for a long time, I think.”

He’d passed out not long after, possibly his subconscious’ way of trying to protect himself against the barrage of questions from Scott that Chris had been in no state to answer in that moment. Inevitably, Scott had tried to talk to him about it the next day, but Chris – hungover, embarrassed and annoyed with himself for opening his big mouth and spilling this secret that he’d managed to keep for close to a decade – had told Scott to leave it and that he didn’t want to talk about it. Nothing was ever going to come of this now anyway, so it was much better if they could all just forget it ever happened.

Scott and he had gone to dinner at their mom’s that night, and of course, Lisa had instantly sensed something was off. Unfortunately, Chris never did stand a chance in hell against his mother, so when she took him to aside after dinner and outright asked him what was wrong, he’d had no choice but to spill the beans. Besides, if he didn’t, Scott would probably have found a way to guilt him into telling Lisa, eventually - they’d always shared everything with her, after all.

Lisa had been so loving and understanding, just like Chris knew she would, and despite the aching in his chest, he was grateful and a little bit relieved to know he wasn’t keeping something this significant from her any longer. But in the end, it didn’t change anything. Of course, Lisa had asked him why he didn’t just go for it, told him to just go for it, call Sebastian and ask him out for dinner, but Chris had dismissed all her suggestions. It just wasn’t going to happen. Certainly not now, not anymore.

She’d dropped it, eventually, but Chris is under no illusions that he’s heard the last of it.

Since then, he’d tried to put the whole fiasco out of his mind, but then Aunt Melanie started badgering him about his marital status and it had all come rushing back again.

Just when Chris about to give up on trying to nap and head outside to get some fresh air instead, there’s a knock at the door.

Chris sighs, rubbing his eyes. “Come in,” he calls, not bothering to get up because it’s probably his mom coming to check on him. “Hey, mom,” he says, when Lisa’s head does appear around the door.

“Hi, sweetheart,” she replies, smiling. She opens the door a little wider. “There’s someone here to see you.”

“Oh?” Chris says, sitting up a little straighter for whatever friend or family member his mom wants him to meet so urgently, but then Lisa steps aside to reveal –  

Sebastian.

Sebastian is here. In his mom’s house. Standing right there, looking a little apprehensive and unsure, but still so fucking gorgeous it makes Chris’s heart stop for a moment inside his chest, before it starts up again at double speed.

“Hey, Chris,” Sebastian says, and it’s his voice, he’s really here, in Chris’s dad’s old study, speaking actual words at him.

What the fuck.

Chris gets to his feet so fast he feels a bit lightheaded, lightly swaying on his feet before he manages to get some semblance of a reply. "Hi. What- Sebastian. What are you doing here?"

Sebastian’s eyes flicker to Lisa for a moment, looking at her a little uncertainly. She gives him an encouraging nod.

“Um,” Sebastian starts, turning his eyes back to Chris again. “Lisa, your mom, invited me to your surprise birthday party.” He licks his lips nervously. “So, yeah, happy birthday. And, um. Surprise.” The last word is accompanied by a dorky little wave, and Chris is just. Speechless.

Literally, can’t form any words speechless, which is highly unusual for him. When he just keeps standing there, staring a Sebastian like he’s some kind of fata morgana, Lisa rolls her eyes and nudges Sebastian with her elbow.

“Well, go on, then,” she prompts, nodding in Chris’s direction. “He won’t bite.” Then, the look in her eyes turns mischievous, and Chris has half a second to think oh no, before she adds, “Unless you like that sort of thing, of course, but then he'd ask first. I raised him well.”

Sebastian makes a strangled sound, but starts towards him nonetheless, and before he really knows what’s happening, Chris is holding Sebastian in his arms. Holding him in his arms and burying his face in the crook of his neck and breathing him in. Sebastian’s arms go around him, too, a little tentative at first, but growing tighter, more secure, the longer the hug lasts. 

And it lasts, much longer than a casual happy birthday hug between friends is supposed to last, but Chris can’t for the life of him bring himself to let go. He knows he’s clinging, that he’s got his nose pressed to the spot below Sebastian’s ear and that’s probably far too intimate, but Sebastian’s arms around are wound tightly around Chris’s waist and his cheek is presses to the side of Chris’s face, and he’s not letting go either.

Finally, after what feels simultaneously like forever and the blink of an eye, Sebastian inhales shakily, his chest expanding against Chris’s. With Herculean effort, Chris makes himself pull away. But, of course, that brings with it the complication of being able to see Sebastian’s face, flustered and glowing, eyes shining with something unnameable. They’re so close then, their faces only an inch or so apart, and when Sebastian’s eyes flicker down to Chris’s mouth for a split second, Chris’s restraint breaks.

He lunges forward, and Sebastian does the same, and their mouths crash together awkwardly and suddenly, they’re kissing. Really, actually kissing. 

Chris’s hands fly to Sebastian’s face, holding it like it’s something precious, causing Sebastian to make a small, desperate sound that reverberates throughout Chris’s entire body. When he licks at the seam of Sebastian’s lips, Sebastian parts them immediately, letting him in, and Chris is drowning. Drowning in the kiss, in Sebastian’s taste, his smell, the little sighs he’s making against Chris’s lips, like he’s just as overwhelmed and stupefied and happy as Chris is, while they cling to each other like they’re each scared the other’s going to disappear if they dare to let up for just one second.

Eventually, though, they have to break apart for air. Chris presses their foreheads together, unwilling to put any more distance between them than is strictly necessary, still breathing the same air. When Chris eventually opens his eyes, he finds Sebastian looking back at him in a way that makes his knees feel suddenly weak.

"Hi," Seb says, voice low and husky.

"Hey," Chris replies, his hands on either side of Sebastian’s face, thumbs idly caressing his cheekbones.

Sebastian giggles, a light, happy sound that makes his nose do that scrunchy thing it does, and Chris wants to die. He groans, pulling Sebastian back in by the back of his neck –

And then Lisa clears her throat. Sebastian startles; he’d evidently forgotten she was still there, or maybe assumed she’d have left to give them their privacy, but that just goes to show Sebastian doesn’t know Lisa very well – yet.

"Well,” Lisa says, a grin in her voice. “I'll leave you two to it then, let me know if you need anything.” She pauses, before cheekily adding, “Anything at all."

“Yes, thank you, mom,” Chris says quickly, keen to spare Sebastian any further embarrassment. Sebastian’s hiding his face in Chris’s chest as it is, arms still wound around his waist, and Chris is literally about to pass out from how fucking cute that is.

Holding up a placating hand, Lisa finally retreats, closing the door behind her.

Once they’re alone, Chris steers Sebastian towards the couch, sitting down and pulling him into his lap. Sebastian lets himself be guided, straddling Chris’s thighs and giving him a coy look through his eyelashes. Chris blows out a slow breath to center himself a little, bringing up his hands to settle on Sebastian’s waist.

He knows they’ll need to talk about this at some point, but right now he can’t think of a single way to express what he’s feeling, and what this means to him. Right now, all he can do is stare at Sebastian in wonder, relishing finally getting to look at him the way he’s always wanted to: unabashedly, fondly, and very appreciative of exactly how tempting Sebastian’s lips look – especially after having been thoroughly kissed. By him.

“Fuck,” Chris breathes, overwhelmed, leaning in again to catch those pretty pink lips in another kiss.

Sebastian responds beautifully, opening up right away, melting into him. His arms wind around Chris’s shoulders, fingers scratching gently through the hair on the back of Chris’s head, making him shiver.

It’s sweet, at first; lips sliding together lazily, slow and lush, but eventually, the kisses turn a little dirtier, with nipping teeth and teasing tongues. When Sebastian bites Chris’s bottom lip a bit too hard, pulling on it, Chris literally goes cross-eyed for a second. The hand that found its way into Sebastian’s hair tightens instinctively, pulling his head back just a little.

“Oh,” Sebastian breathes, eyelids fluttering, and Chris instantly feels all his blood rushing south.

He can’t believe it. He can’t believe he has Sebastian here, in his lap, looking like innocence and sin wrapped into one, looking at him through heavy lidded eyes like it’s Chris who’s something to be desired. And Chris wants. He wants so bad, with every fiber of his being, to have Sebastian right there and then, but he has just enough presence of mind left to know that they can’t rush this, can’t make any rash decisions they might later regret if they don’t talk about what’s happening first.

Words still seem impossible, however, so instead, Chris takes one of Sebastian’s hands in his and presses a kiss to the center his palm, hoping to convey with that one gesture everything he wants to say but can’t.

When he looks back up, Sebastian blinks at him, his eyes wide and stunned, before he suddenly grabs Chris’s face between his hands and starts planting breathless kisses on his cheeks, his eyelids, his forehead, and even his nose. Chris lets himself be kissed, basks in it, feeling like his heart might burst, and when Sebastian finally presses his lips to his mouth, Chris seizes the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Despite Chris’s best intentions, it turns heated again in no time. Without his permission, his hands slide under Sebastian’s shirt, stroking the smooth, warm skin of his back, while Sebastian mouths at Chris’s jaw, then trails a path of kisses down the column of his neck.

“Seb,” Chris groans, hands tightening convulsively on Sebastian’s waist. “Sebastian, wait.”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” Sebastian pants, lifting his head to look down at him. He’s disheveled, his hair a mess, pupils blown, his lips red and a little raw from mouthing at Chris’s beard. He looks stunning.

“Jesus, you’re beautiful,” Chris says honestly, touching Sebastian’s left cheek.

Sebastian ducks his head turning his face into Chris’s palm, but he’s smiling, which makes Chris smile, too, then they’re just smiling at each other like a couple of dorks.

Chris shifts their positions to get more comfortable, tugging at Sebastian until they’re both lying on the couch on their sides, face to face. Pulling him closer, into his chest, Chris swings a leg over both of Sebastian’s, and Sebastian takes the hint immediately, snuggling into Chris and tucking his head under his chin so they’re full on cuddling.

“Best fucking birthday present ever,” Chris mutters into Sebastian’s hair, his hand tracing idle patters on Sebastian’s upper arm. In reply, Sebastian presses a kiss to Chris’s chest, over his heart.

Somehow, they snooze for a little while, just drifting in and out of consciousness, neither of them seeming to want to untangle themselves from the other, until after an indeterminate amount of time, there’s a soft knock at the door.

Chris hums questioningly in reply, not wanting to wake Sebastian, and the door opens cautiously. Lisa pokes her head in again, and the moment she sees them, all wrapped around each other like that, she covers her mouth with her hands, cooing softly.

“Happy Birthday, baby,” she whispers, her eyes shining with affection and pride.

“Thanks, mom,” Chris whispers back, blinking back tears. “Love you.”

From where he’s half asleep on Chris’s chest, Sebastian murmurs, “Love you, too.”

[letsbenditlikebennett]

FroYO What The F&*% Is Up, Kyle? || Ariana & Kyle

TIMING: Before Kyle did Bex a big yikes PARTIES: @darkh0wl & @letsbenditlikebennett SUMMARY: Just two wolves who sniffed each other out in a yogurt shop, as you do. 

Okay, so maybe it was winter and maybe it was too cold for frozen yogurt. But a craving is a craving, so Kyle had to satisfy it. He headed down to Flagg’s Froyo, avoided the sticky tiles inside the shop, and found a table with his cup that was honestly more topping than yogurt. He leaned back in his chair, eating specifically the popping boba one at a time. Kyle closed his eyes for a moment, relishing in the mouthfeel of boba, but he could smell...something. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what, but there was a familiar sort of smell. His brow furrowed as he breathed in deeper and looked around for the source of the smell. 

The only reason her frozen yogurt hadn’t melted had to be due to the temperature alone. Even with talking through what she was feeling, Ariana still found visiting Chloe had left her feeling heavier. Like so many other effort she’d made to help others, it just seemed to crumble in her hands. At this point, she wasn’t sure which felt worse-- trying to help or not trying at all. She had stopped by here after class as a means of killing time. Athena was out at the sorority house planning some sort of event and the thought of just hanging around the apartment alone felt like too much. At least here, the constant thrum of background noise kept her somewhat stable. She stirred around her frozen yogurt with her spoon yet again and almost didn’t even pick up on the smell until it was practically hitting her in the face. Her head whipped up as she saw a guy not much older than her standing in front of her who was undoubtedly also a wolf. It was likely what drew him over to her to begin with. “You can sit,” she said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster, “I’m Ari. Take it your nose brought you this way?” 

Kyle didn’t honestly know what his game plan was once he was already headed toward the other table. He didn’t know why he was following this scent or what it even was. Now that he was standing in front of this girl, he felt like a major creep, but she seemed excited. Kyle did as she said and sat across from her in a bit of a daze. She smelled so familiar. Like home in a way that Kyle hadn’t really experienced before. Sure, he’d smelled the same thing out and about before--in passing, on full moons, maybe on some patrons at the bar--but never in a context that meant anything. “Uh, I’m Kyle. What do you mean my nose brought me this way? How did you know?”

As Kyle took a seat with her, Ariana quirked a brow up. Almost immediately it was easy to tell he hadn’t met another wolf before. How new was he to this? Hopefully not quite as out of the loop as Luis. Even there, she wasn’t even sure how good her help did. She swirled some of the strawberry froyo around in the cup and shook her head. “Like, literally, your nose brought you here. It’s a wolf thing,” she said nonchalantly. Sure, this was serious, but she couldn’t beat around the bush. Not right now. It was too exhausting, but she did quickly add, “You do know what you are, right?” 

The bold, blunt statement of, “It’s a wolf thing,” caught Kyle off guard. He couldn’t help the look of surprise that washed over his face. He hadn’t met another, he’d just sort of figured everything out on his own, trial and error style. Kyle set his cup of froyo toppings down and ran a hand through his hair. Was she--was Ari a wolf, too? Or how had she known? He sighed in mild annoyance. “Of course I know what I am. But how did you know? Are you--y’know, a wolf, too?” He paused for just a beat before adding, “Or are you, like, a mindreader?” 

It was hard to keep a straight face as Kyle was clearly taken aback by her words. Ariana had never been so great at the whole beating around the bush thing. It didn’t help that it was also the exhausting route and she was already pretty tired. Then he was asking if she was a wolf or a mind reader and she shook her head. Oh, Kyle. She’d only just met him, but this felt like a very Kyle thing to do based on all the internet memes. “Both,” she said to him with a nearly convincing serious face before a smirk broke out. “Okay, just a wolf. But you made that way too easy.” If he couldn’t immediately discern she was also a wolf, she had the feeling he was still new to all of this. Or at least he hadn’t met other wolves before. “So, how long have you been-- well, you know?” She made a little claw motion with her hands as she asked the last part. 

For a second, Kyle’s mouth hung open in surprise. A mind reader?! That was incredible, and already his mind was churning with a hundred questions. But then Ari was smirking and his excitement waned. “Wait, so you’re not a mind reader? Bummer. That sounds dope as hell.” The pieces were clicking together now. Why Kyle could smell her so well, why she smelled so familiar, and even why he felt so oddly at ease with her. He tried to shove that last feeling down. He was a lone wolf and no one was going to change that. “Oh, me? I’ve been a wolf since high school. But I’m kind of the only one I know. Or, I guess I was until I met you.” He shrugged, brow furrowing as he looked back down at his froyo. A creeping question lurked at the back of his mind. Would things be different if he’d met someone sooner? Would he have become a part of some kind of pack? The thought unsettled him in a way he couldn’t pin down, so he cleared his throat and began talking again. “What about you? How long have you been…?” he mimicked the claw motion with a hand, a smirk crossing his face now, too.

Ariana almost felt bad that Kyle had seemingly fallen for her joke about mind reading. As cool as that skill may have been, there was a lot she preferred not to know. That and the world was loud enough already. Especially closer to a full moon. She didn’t need the additional ruckus of other people’s thoughts filling her head. “No, definitely not a mind reader,” she said as she shook her head, “Wolves are cooler anyway.” As she took a bite of her lemon raspberry froyo she could see him beginning to understand. So, he wasn’t necessarily too new to this wolf thing, but new enough that he didn’t know others like them. “High school… how old are you now? Had to be a tough change to make during high school, but you seem to have a pretty good grip of the whole wolf thing.” At least as much as she could tell from their current setting. Hell, at least he knew what he was already and wasn’t trying to actively push her away. She found herself laughing a bit as he mirrored her own motions. “I was born a wolf,” she explained, “My parents were wolves, too. I didn’t really- It wasn’t until recently I actually got to meet others like us. I was pretty young when my parents died.” Murdered would have been a more accurate term, but Kyle seemed comfortable with her, it was probably best to not totally freak him out. “Have you been staying safe? Do you have a good place to spend the full moons?” 

“Dang, I was starting to hope this whole being a wolf thing had the added bonus of mind reading. Like, maybe I just had to unlock more levels,” Kyle said, grinning. “You’re right, though. Wolves are cooler.” He took another bite of his topping cup and nodded along with what Ari was saying. She was right. It had been a hard transition in high school. He was just figuring himself out and then he had added being a wolf on top of it. It had shaped him, for better or worse, into sort of who he was now. “I’m 22,” he said and shrugged. “I feel like I have a pretty good hold on things. Give or take.” Take. It was definitely take, but he’d just met this wolf. He didn’t want her to know too too much. He raised his eyebrows in surprise. So Ari had had a long time to practice this whole wolf thing. Maybe that’s why she was so calm about talking about this over froyo. He had questions to ask about being born a wolf--he hadn’t even really thought about werewolves being born, though it made sense--but then Ari casually dropped it on him that her parents were dead. Any smile from his face slowly fell and he let his spoon sink back into his cup. “Oh-- I-- I’m sorry about your parents. I can’t imagine that’s easy, on top of being a wolf.” But she pressed on with questions, so Kyle did his best to oblige her. “What do you mean good place?” he asked. “I mean, I’m staying as safe as I can in a weird town like this. I’m kind of just...driving to the edge of town during a full moon, and I just roam the forest, you know? Usually, I make it all the way out of town, too.” Oops, had that been too much? She didn’t need to know how fragile his grip on control was. Not now. 

So Kyle wasn’t too much older than she was, though she had kind of guessed as much. Ariana was eager to have another wolf that was her age to hang out with. Part of her immediately thought that Kyle and Luis would probably get along well. “Nice, I just turned 19 a few weeks ago,” she told him with a smile, “That’s pretty amazing. It’s always a give and take sort of thing, but easier to stay safe if you have a better grasp of the whole thing. I think really riding into it helps?” It was hard to control something you denied, which at least Luis was past that phase. She could tell Kyle seemed surprised she had been born a wolf. So, outside of being a wolf and her being the first one he’d met, he really wasn’t all that well versed in this stuff. That was okay, she’d fill him on everything he needed to know. Plus, she’d introduce him to the others which would give him a whole little community. She took another big bite of her yogurt before she realized he was apologizing. No matter how much she’d heard it, she was always thrown off. “Oh, it’s fin- I’m okay,” she assured easily, “My older sister had always taken good care of me. Don’t get me wrong, losing family sucks, but like, I’m okay. And I think the wolf stuff is a little easier if you don’t know anything else, you know?” Or, at least it felt like she was starting to be. She’d had plenty of time to grieve her parents, it was the more recent losses that seemed to haunt her recently, but she was healing. She was having more good days than bad and that was something, right? She shook those thoughts away and answered his question. “A good place far away from town where you can just be a wolf without worrying about others,” she explained, “It sounds like you have a pretty good setup in place though. Still, I wouldn't mind having someone to hang out with on the full moon. I go pretty deep out into the forest. I have a few different spots I rotate between to keep hunters from catching onto where I am. So if you wanted to join…” She didn’t want to force him, but she’d feel a lot more secure that the other wolves were staying out of trouble if they were together. 

So, Ari was younger than Kyle and clearly in better control over the wolf thing. That made him feel unexpectedly bad, never mind that she had had way more time to gain control. He nodded along with what she said about embracing the wolf thing. “Yeah, I agree. The whole being ashamed of what I am thing, it’s--it’s not for me. I like being a wolf. It’s way cool.” He took another bite of his toppings, popping boba in his mouth one by one as he listened to Ari speak about her family. That was heavy. He wouldn’t be coping as well as she seemed to be, that was for sure. “Still,” he said, once his mouth was empty, “it’s not easy and I’m sorry you have to go through that. I’m glad you’re doing okay with it.” He balked at the offer to join her on a full moon. That wasn’t something he’d ever considered. What if he hurt her? It wouldn’t be intentional, sure, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a possibility. He barely knew her. How could he even be sure she wasn’t somehow working with hunters? That was a ridiculous thought, though. One that Kyle brushed aside as he considered her offer. “Uh,” he started. Did he want to say yes? Did he want to commit to something he was probably going to regret later? “I don’t know,” he said, his brows pulling together. “I think I’ve been doing pretty good by myself. I haven’t seen any hunters. I’ll think about it, though.” He wouldn’t think about it. Kyle had already made his decision, whether he would admit that to himself or not. He didn’t want to be connected to someone who could possibly count on him. Not now. The circumstances didn’t feel right. He was a lone wolf, and he didn’t want to change that now. Ari seemed nice enough, but he didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of someone else.

Ariana found okay to be a fairly relative thing. She’d had nearly sixteen years to cope with what had happened to her family. Even Celeste, Sammy, Winn… time had passed. There were still days where a memory or thought could throw her for a loop, but she could manage easier now. She could keep moving forward even though her life would no longer look like she had always pictured it. She could adjust, mostly because she had to. She’d always had to adjust in some way or another and grief, pain-- it wasn’t all that different except in the fact it was harder. “Thanks,” she said as she moved some mochi around with her spoon. She wasn’t sure what else to say so she eagerly awaited his answer about joining her on the full moon, only to be disappointed. For some reason, he’d rather spend the moon alone even though instinct seemed to pull them together. “Oh,” she started slowly, “I mean, I have too, just thought it’d be nice to spend it hunting together. See who can catch the biggest buck and all that.” She wasn’t sure why the rejection stung so she busied herself with her yogurt again momentarily. When she really thought about it, all she really wanted was to help and have it go well. She wanted to fulfill that purpose of bridging the supernatural worlds together in a way Celeste had started, but Celeste had always been so much better with people. What would she do? A joke to lighten the mood was all Ariana could come up with. “What,” she said with a smirk that felt forced, “You think I’ll slow you down or something?” 

Kyle’s lips pressed into a thin line. He didn’t miss that Ari had genuinely wanted him to join her on the full moon. After what he’d done to his mother… He shuddered and tried to play it off by setting his spoon down and mumbling something about brain freeze. That bought him enough time to consider her request even more fully. He hadn’t known that other wolves hunted on the full moon. It made sense, but he hadn’t really considered it for himself. Would they eat the deer they took down? Kyle wrinkled his nose at the thought. “Do you eat the deer?” he asked, prodding at his frozen yogurt. That didn’t sound like the most appetizing way to go about things, but he didn’t want to judge Ari too harshly. “I’ve never hunted anything. I guess I’m almost worried you’d speed me up,” he said with a chuckle. “I usually just...run, I guess.” He didn’t really think about it, he just went to the forest and let himself go. He let himself forget all of his human worries and just be free. Most of the time, he was in the woods, anyway. Sometimes, he didn’t quite make it out of town. But even then, he just spent the night chasing rabbits or the occasional stray cat. He never caught them, but he had fun trying. 

Ariana watched Kyle carefully as she tried to make sense of his body language. It seemed as if he was considering her offer at the very least though she couldn’t be too sure. As she set her own nearly finished yogurt down, confusion crossed her features. Her head tilted curiously and her eyes widened a bit that he asked if she ate the deer. The answer seemed obvious though when he mentioned he just ran, concern started brewing in her stomach. “Uhm, yeah,” she looked around carefully before lowering her voice to a whisper, “The full moon makes us kind of bloodthirsty and all. Better deer than the alternative. So, I fuck off deep into the forest and just let instinct take over.” The thought of just running didn’t quite add up to werewolf nature though and she had the feeling he wasn’t being entirely truthful with her. While she didn’t necessarily want to call him out and push him away when he likely needed her experience, she had to bring it up somehow. “You just… run,” she asked slowly. Her wide eyes didn’t do much to hide her disbelief as she started to fiddle with her spoon again. “That’s… I really think you should join me. I’d really enjoy the company and we’re kind of pack creatures by nature and all.” Her mind briefly thought of Luis who was also new to this and went through struggles she couldn’t quite understand. She sat up a little straighter and quickly added, “Actually, I have a friend I want you to meet. He’s-- well, he’s really new to all of this and trying to figure things out. Since I’ve always been like this, I kind of worry I can’t really relate to him as well as he needs, you know?” 

Kyle had to take a moment to process that Ari ate the deer. He hadn’t eaten--...had he? The creeping realization that, in fact, he probably had eaten the stray cats and wild rabbits he chased made his stomach flip. He set the cup of yogurt down and nudged it away from himself. How many missing cat posters had been put up because of him? Kyle swallowed thickly and bit his lower lip. “I--I’m not sure. I mean, I don’t eat--or I didn’t think I ate things like that? Maybe I do? I don’t know. I’m not new new to this, but I don’t know if I’m the right candidate to--what did you say? Fuck off into the woods?” He didn’t know who this friend Ari spoke of was, but Kyle knew that he couldn’t relate to them either. He hadn’t exactly embraced pack life as much as he’d just embraced the idea of being a wolf. Ari had a point that they were social creatures by nature, but the thought of being so tied down in such a specific manner had Kyle feeling uneasy at best. “I guess I could meet your friend I--I don’t know. I don’t want to disappoint, but I don’t think I’m any help, you know? You’re kind of the only wolf I’ve really met. I don’t have experience on that front. I don’t know that I could be relatable in the way he needs, I guess.”

There was no hiding the wide eyed look that crossed her face when Kyle said he didn’t think he ate things. Ariana knew that couldn’t be true, not when the full moon had such a hold over them that made them basically insatiable. Even with her memory of her full moons crystal clear, there was no denying the hold it had on her. How the hunt was the only thing that drove her during those midnight hours until she reached contentment and fell asleep cozily on the forest floor. “Right,” she said slowly, “You probably do eat things… it’s like-- the full moon makes us pretty much bloodthirsty and hungry, but not like, to each other. Pack instinct kind of kicks in there.” Her voice was low but her hushed tone was serious. The yogurt cup was long since forgotten on the table and she watched him carefully with concern in her eyes. “I think you two would get along. It’s not necessarily about tips, but it’s a pretty big life change to go through. Everyone could use someone who knows what they’re going through.” Really, Luis could use all the support he could get though now she found herself worried for Kyle, too. She noticed the sun was getting lower in the sky and glanced down at her watch before she fumbled in her bag to grab a pen and paper. She quickly scrawled down her number and told him, “This isn’t the best place to talk, but text me soon, okay? We can go for a hike if nothing else.” She only half meant that. She had every intention of working on wolf things with him, but she didn’t want to scare him off just yet. “I’m supposed to meet my girlfriend soon, but take care, okay? This town can be dangerous for people like us.”

[zirkkun]

I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

[theinvisibledreamergirl]

Chap. 7: “Friendship questioned”

A.N: And I still hate this AU and this title because it isn’t much related to the topic 🙄

MASTERLIST 

———————————————————————

Donahue’s bar was flooded with interns and residents taking some break after their long night shifts and seemed to enjoy these minutes. The fantastic four (as Klaw would call) Elijah, Jackie, Sienna and Landry and the never-separated couple Dan and Imelda were sat together discussing about the new changes of Edenbrook Hospital that were notified yesterday.

“Could you even imagine? Doing your residency with the most elite diagnostics team in the world?!” Elijah exclaimed.

“Never in my life would’ve thought of this dream.” Landry sighed in a wandered gaze.

“Screw you. This is totally obvious that I am going to be the winner of it.” Jackie put down the shot of tequila raising her eyebrows.

“Someone looks very confident.” Dan replied with a smirk.

“Of course I am not even you scalpel jockeys can stand us.”

“Seriously why didn’t you two sign up for this? Even the surgeons could be part of the fellowship.” Sienna asked.

Imy let a sigh. “Yeah we know but I don’t think we could waste our precious free time plus diagnosing the patients. Scalpel is enough for us. Right sweetie?

Dan kissed the back of her hand gently. “Of course love.”

“Aww you are so cute.”

“Yuck get a room you two already. It’s getting enough disgust in here.” Jackie admitted and everyone shared a laugh.

“What about Klaw? Do you know if she has signed up?” Landry asked curiously. She had mentioned before that she wanted to work with Ethan Ramsey closely and he was also felt in debt for saving his life from that man Miles in their first day of work.

“Hm. I don’t know but I think she had. She would never miss this rare opportunity.” Everyone nodded in agreement.

“Well you’re wrong.” A voice made them to turn their gazes to the tired and not so amused face of Klaw with Bryce accompanying her.

“What?!” Everyone said in unison shocked except from Jackie who snorted.

“See? I told you scalpels cannot handle the diagnosis!”

“You either are stupid for real or you have a reason that you didn’t want this.” Eiljah admitted and a sudden wave of relief was seen in Landry’s face in which Dan noticed it.

“But Klaw... why did you change your mind?” Imy asked in confusion but her expression let her that something had happened and she looked at Bryce for some answers but he mouthed.

Later.

“I’m going to the bathroom I’ll... catch up with you.”

While she was nodding Bryce gave her a knowing glance in which she replied silently with a reassuring smile.

I’ll be fine.

When she made herself disappear to the corner so her friends wouldn’t see her, she texted to Reggie.

Now. We need to talk.

Thankfully he saw the message and carefully after serving the drinks to the guys he went in the same dark room where his other friend was waiting.

“What now?” He crossed his arms.

“Care to explain your friendship with Ethan Ramsey?” She arched her left eyebrow.

He let an exhale knowing that she wouldn’t forget this despite her busy schedule in hospital.

“Fine. I’ll say this quickly... Ethan and I have known each other for ten years since he came for the first time in Boston after university. He wasn’t alone though. He was with Simon and they both needed a strong drink after their first day as interns. It was also my first week in Boston and I wanted to have a good job so I bought this bar and let me tell you-” He motioned with his index finger the surroundings. “- it wasn’t like this. It was rebuilt again thanks to them who offered their money’s to help me and we’re like partners of this bar and after that Simon decided to name it ‘Donahue’.” He chuckled. “Weird name huh?”

Reggie wanted to ease the tension that was appearing in Klaw’s face but that didn’t change it.

“When were you going to tell me?”

“Klaw I seriously didn’t know you would come here. I really wanted to tell you but I just didn’t know how. Look... if you are worried about your involvement with the Mercy Park Crew I won’t tell anything to Ethan.”

“It’s not about that Reggie. I’m just upset because I thought I could trust you and the contrary. Because we’re friends right?” She hesitated at first before saying. “And about Vaug-“

“Do not try mention his name!” He glared at her giving some cold chills down her spine. She knew his anger but despite of that she wanted to try again.

“Vaughn wants to talk to you.”

“I don’t want to talk with a gangster and a criminal who left his family for his own pleasures!” He hissed. “My uncle is devastated and auntie too and I’m not going to let him to enter to our lives ever again!”

She sighed. “I know but he told me-.”

“You should go back to your friends.” He cut her off without giving a second glance.

“Reggie...”

“Go.” He said courtly. “They’ll suspect and you don’t want this, right?” She only nodded when he narrowed his eyebrows. “You go first and I’ll come after two minutes.”

Klaw did as he said. She truly wanted the two cousins to talk about their misunderstandings and solve them to be united again. But it was clearly that this would take a long time given the fact that Reggie was a hot-tempered guy even though it didn’t look from the outside to other people.

Bryce had told his friends about the tragic death of Dolores and now they could understand why Klaw didn’t want to participate in the competition. But this wasn’t the thing he worried about.

Strong arms had been looping her maybe for a couple of minutes but for her it looked like an eternity sleeping.

She blinked her eyes slowly while trying to comprehend what happened.

Oh she thought. Yes- she forgot to drink her usual pills and ran with a fake excuse to her attending to go to the locker room.

And after drinking them her body twisted in a quick motion until feeling someone calling her name.

Definitely it was a man and at first she got worried if he was the one she was thinking about.

But instead she was met with green scrubs and she could recognise that megawatt smile everywhere.

“Look who’s waken up.”

“B-Bryce?”

“Yeah scalpel jockey in the flesh.”

“What’re you doing here?” She murmured slowly.

“Uhm helping and carrying you? Because you were about to knock your head in the ground and your skull would be opened?” She giggled. He was so good at making her feel better. “Now will you tell me why’s in your locker an inhibitor bar?”

She gulped hardly trying to think of an excuse. “It’s- for calmness.”

What a great lie to say him.

“Klaw... you can trust me.” To prove it he caressed her cheek softly letting his thumb linger. Bryce Lahela had feelings for this girl like no one else and seeing her in this state- he wanted to be her saviour. “Look... I’ve seen you avoiding us in many occasions and not interacting with us at all. You refused first to play with me. Second you haven’t given any answer to Sienna about moving together and the third you’ve been pulling your leg all of this week in many surgeries just so you can’t meet us. And now this?” He shook his head. “There’s clearly something wrong with you.”

From the look of his eyes Klaw saw the sincerity and the kindness of him that never thought to come out given the fact that he was always cheerful and flirty all the time. That’s when she started to trust him and thought he wasn’t kind of manipulating person to be. But of course she couldn’t tell him the whole truth even if she wanted to.

“I...” she gulped nervously before inhaling sharply. “I suffer from PTSD Bryce.” That’s when her tears started to drop off her cheeks despite many of her attempts not to.

His grip on her tightened and pulled her in a comforting hug while she was sobbing. Bryce had never seen her in such a devastating situation because she looked strong and capable of everything but clearly this was the contrary.

“Shh... it’s alright Klaw... I’m here.”

“I’m sorry Bryce I-“

“You don’t need to apologise to me.” He frowned his eyebrows. “It’s me who should say that. I’ve asked too much for this, have I?”

“No, you moron. Of course you haven’t.” She scolded him with a slap on his arm. “You were worried about me and there’s nothing to apologise to.”

He sighed. “Does anyone else know this?”

“Only Dan and Imy.”

“Why don’t you tell the others?”

“I’m not ready Bryce I mean... I don’t want to seem like fragile and my friendship to be built because everyone feels sorry about me. And that is really disgusting.”

He laughed revealing his shining teeth. “Well they will know it one day and you won’t escape from that.”

“If you don’t tell them of course.” She jumped from his lap to head to the door. He caught her wrist.

“Whoa hold on where do you think you’re going miss? You just fainted in front of my eyes and I am going to let you go? No way.”

“I have to go back to NICU. Ethan is waiting for me.” The last words fell from her mouth unexpectedly and that’s when Bryce grinned clearly amused.

“Well well someone calls her attending by his name. Hm was he good on his office?”

She laughed loudly. “Bryce what the hell you’re saying? I was talking about Dolores Hudson’s son, Ethan.” And when her smile faded she whispered. “She died today leaving alone the little tadpole and I’m looking after him with Dr. Ramsey.”

His smile faltered too and felt in regret saying it.

Great Bryce you made her upset.

“I’m sorry Klaw. Uhm... you can go now.” He opened the door to let her go first gently but before she left he felt a kiss on his cheek and a soft voice whispering to his ear.

“Thank you for everything scalpel king.”

Not later she joined her friends who were now looking at her with concerns. Suddenly Sienna got up from her seat and hugged her tightly.

“I’m so sorry dolphin.” She whispered sweetly like she was. It was about Dolores. “Please don’t mind our reactions about your decision.”

“It’s okay Sienna. I’m fine.” Her friend assured but she made a face like she wasn’t convinced. “I really am dolphin.” She rubbed her back.

“If you say so.”

“Klaw we’re sorry too.” Elijah said. “I mean damn. That was really heartbreaking and I’m feeling goosebumps now.”

“I can’t imagine what it feels like to grieve for your first patient so sorry from me too.” Jackie said sadly.

“Guys can you please stop this emotional conversation? We have to celebrate for your competition. Right Bryce?” Klaw smiled at him.

“Hell yeah we are fucking doing it!” He stood up letting his feet up the chair to raise a toast. “We surgeons wish you medical interns a very pleasant time with grumps like Ramsey and Mirani and sweets like Delarosa and Tennant. May the best wins! Cheers!”

“Cheers!” Everyone sipped their drinks in one gulp until Ines and Zaid joined them. Ines congratulated them with a hug whereas Zaid with his glaring face to surgeons Bryce and Dan said that even if one of the interns won they wouldn’t merit that.

——————————————————————

“Ethan come on it will be just a meeting.” She pleaded to him. “It won’t kill you.”

“I said no Harper.”

“It is a great opportunity for all of us to renew the project we have with the Banner Health.”

“I still can’t believe that you want us to schmooze in all of their luxurious, idiotic and ridiculous things only for our hospital. Why didn’t you bring Simon for this? He clearly has a much better poker face than I do.”

She leaned closer to him to tie his collar. “Well I would but since the Banner Health Representatives are interested on your research then why don’t we use this opportunity? Besides even Naveen would agree on that.” She gave him a lightly kiss while caressing his broad shoulders. “Come on let’s hit ‘em before we are late.”

Harper was a such in a good mood today that asked himself if she would’ve stayed the same if she knew the real reason why Naveen gave up his position two weeks ago.

“I came up with a decision.”

“What’s wrong Naveen? You called us in such a hurry. Everything okay?” Simon asked worriedly when he saw also Ethan standing with crossed arms behind the chief clearly disapproving.

Ethan knew this and just before they would enter the diagnostics office they debated whether or not to tell everyone about his health condition that was deteriorating day by day and still none of them had arrived into a conclusion what this illness was.

“The main position of this team will be held by Dr. Ramsey.”

“What?!” The shock was evident in all of the team’s faces. Simon was eyeing to Ethan if he knew something about this but instead he was met with a shrug.

“Please doctors calm down.”

Clearly the one who couldn’t calm down herself was Dr. June Hirata who wanted nothing more than the position of the diagnostics which had worked for it ten years and seeing that the jerk doctor take it- made her blood boiled.

“But Dr. Banerji...” Dr. Baz Mirani spoke up frantically. “I’m not saying Ethan isn’t a good doctor but... may I ask why?”

“Ah Baz. I really appreciate your concern but I thought as an old man sometimes I need to rest y’know... I’ve come to an age that everything can happen and the retirement will be the best for me.”

“Are you sick?” Edgar asked in suspicion in which Ethan felt his jaw tightened and again Naveen responded with a smile.

“My dear Edgar. If I were sick I would’ve been now at one of your operation theatres right?”

“Goodness Naveen don’t even say that!” He scolded.

“Well I guess I have to congratulate you my pal.” Simon got up and pulled Ethan in a tightly hug. “I have to say that you saved me from a big responsibility so thanks a lot Naveen!” Even though he wanted to lighten up the strange moment they were experiencing his thoughts were a fog.

“Ha. Very funny Simon.”

Naveen chuckled to them. “And also I’ve told Harper that she will be the Chief of Medicine... if that’s okay to you.”

“Absolutely Naveen.” Everyone agreed but Ethan didn’t say anything at first. His mentor challenged him with an eyebrow and he nodded in half-agreement.

“Well then doctors if you don’t have anything else to say- have a nice day!”

Ethan really wanted to tell Harper and Simon about it but he made a promise to his mentor to not bring up this conversation ever again.

“I’m really going to miss being a neurosurgeon y’know. It’s just a strange feeling not to touch the scalpel while wearing your mask and gloves to open the skull. Now the only thing that I can touch are papers. Unbelievable.” She chuckled while Ethan was driving his car. “Ethan?”

She raised her eyebrow seeing that he wasn’t paying attention to her. In these days Ethan had been acting differently since she was announced as the Chief. Surely there was no surgery that could stop her from meeting him or giving some slyly glances when they had crossed their ways. He looked deep in thought and if that was a reason behind of it, Harper would be delighted to know it if was about their relationship.

And Ethan Ramsey was thinking about a certain woman. The piercing brown eyes who had appeared multiple times in his dreams. He gripped tightly the steer trying to forget that rare smile she gave him when they were looking after little Ethan Hudson.

After making their coffees from his machine that no one in the hospital knew about it he was waiting for the other while checking his watch. He smirked at the thought of his secret. In the quiet NICU room were heard soft steps of his intern who gave him a rare smile he had never seen before.

“Am I late?”

“No you were just eight minutes late.”

She giggled and teased him. “You’ve been counting the minutes. Wow.”

“Just sit down and take it.”

He handed her the coffee packed in a plastic container just like one those of Starbucks. When she sipped it she felt another kind of taste and let out content moan.

“This isn’t Edenbrook’s coffee. It’s clearly a cappuccino.”

He shook his head before sipping. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Liar. This is exactly the same coffee I do in my apartment and it’s originally from Brazil. It’s the same taste and you-“ she pointed her finger to him. “- can’t deny it.”

Instead of answering her he replayed again the moment when she moved her tongue before saying the letter ‘L’.

Ethan get hold of yourself.

He sighed in defeat revealing his secret. “This is from my private coffee machine.” She clapped her hands in victory while whispering ‘yes’ to herself whereas he scoffed. “As soon as I got the office I vowed never to drink that caffeinated dishwasher again. No one knows it so...”

“I won’t tell a soul.” She said before laughing quietly and holding her hand to stop it but when she saw the warning gaze of her attending she pursed her lips. “Okay sorry.”

“Ethan?”

“Uh, yes Harper what were you saying?”

“You took us into the wrong road.”

He took a look of the signs which were leading them to Boston Common instead of the baseball stadium so he shifted his direction to the right one.

They arrived at the local bar where the baseball game was playing. Ironic to Ethan was that the two squads would always choose blue and red uniforms to play. While he was ordering two drinks to the bartender Harper got an emergency call from the hospital and that’s when he didn’t want to deal this by his own.

Jesus Christ what else are you bringing to me now huh?

Apparently his bragging on his mind was stopped when in the corner of his eyes a young woman in her sportswear appeared with her hair tied up, drinking a bit of cigarette. He almost could feel her perfume. That perfume who was standing next to him two weeks ago and his observation skills never failed him. It was indeed that kind of smell that he wanted to forget but it seemed to be inevitable.

After she texted Bryce on her phone she glanced up to see the tall figure standing in a stool enjoying his casual scotch. Her breath hitched when she realized her cigarette was still on her fingers and luckily she found the nearest bin to throw it. She didn’t want another embarrasment in front of him as she moved closer.

God damnit. How is possible that there’s not a single day without seeing him?

“Someone’s date didn’t go as well as expected huh?” She said playfully as if to break the ice but she knew that a man like him wouldn’t bring his girlfriend here. But Klaw wasn’t sure why she was enjoying this little teasing.

“Did you enjoy your smoke?” That’s where she rolled her eyes meaning that he saw it and Ethan curled the corner of his lips. “About the answer of your question no- I’m not in a date. I’m here to renew the contract between Edenbrook and Banner Health Rep and this drink was for Harper but she had to go back to hospital for an emergency case.”

“Oh I see.” She bit her lower lip nervously. The Banner surname. Such familiarity to her. But she didn’t want to think about it because she knew exactly who was behind of that great company. His words interrupted her thoughts.

“And what about you?”

“I’m trying to spend this miraculously day off with my friends. We saw a baseball game in which I had absolutely no idea how it was played and the funny thing was that I was cheering about the blue ones but then I did the same for the red ones clapping like a fool.” She giggled. “I’m literally stupid.”

“Glad that you are aware of it.”

“Hey.” She smacked his arm. “I’m not the only stupid here by the way.” She smiled while when he furrowed his eyebrows. “You clearly are staying here in this bar thinking ‘damn how am I going to survive those pesky and petulant rich people in front of me’ and trying to avoid them but you can’t do that because the deals with Edenbrook are in your hands. Am I correct?”

“Not always.” She gave him an incredulous look. “Okay you caught me. They’re trying to butter me up with lobster, fine wine and all the ridiculous luxuries they can afford.” He sighed. “It’s terrible. And I’m not a man for... schmoozing.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeeeah I’m almost believing it.” But she did actually. It was just one of her ways to not express herself and it was clearly a rule she lived with for a long time now.

“As much as it humiliates me to ask a favour of an intern... would you... join me upstairs?”

Did he just ask me to... what? But what if I meet his uncle? No. It’s not possible for him to be there. Whatever happens put a poker face... no one knows you.

He sensed her hesitation and added. “I won’t keep you much longer. I just don’t think I’ll survive much longer on my own.”

“Did I say no?” She smiled again and got up from her seat.

He smiled aback. “Follow me then.”

The box suite had a magnificent view of the stadium and a part of Boston Highway. Surely this thing wasn’t foreign to Klaw. Being with rich people. She knew how they used their strategies to attract doctors like Ethan Ramsey or anyone else. But she wasn’t worried about that. She took a brief look at the guests of the room and luckily was no sign of his uncle.

“If you are going to give me lectures about how to behave in front of them don’t.” To prove it she took two glasses of wines before he would say it.

“Then I’m waiting to see what gems are you going to reveal to them Rookie.”

“Watch and learn Dr. Ramsey.” She clinked her glass with his.

“Don’t be such confident. I’ve seen many doctors changing their priorities to be part of these things and don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.”

“Got it Sir.” She winked and maybe that was a bit unprofessional but that came naturally to her and unexpectedly he didn’t even seem to be bothered. Klaw could feel her guilt building up in herself for not telling the truth to her attending what actually happened before arriving at NICU but her thoughts were interrupted until-

“Ethan, Ethan there you are!” A chirping voice was heard in the middle of the crowd now approaching them with an amusing face.

“Smile a bit Dr. Ramsey.” She muttered.

“I am Dr. Craig.” He muttered back.

“Yes from what I’m seeing now you have a very good poker face.” She mocked.

He scoffed. “I am a doctor not an actor for god’s sakes!” Their voices were now barely a whisper as the representatives were coming closer and closer.

“Then you should be.” And both shared a quick glance.

His, a worried and a troubled one.

Hers, a reassuring and a supportive glance.

He seriously didn’t expect their conversation to go flow and in such a quick way thanks to an intern. They finally managed to renew the contract and she didn’t let them escape without her request for better rates on cardiac services. This was one of the biggest achievements they’ve had and a smirk appeared on her face while turning to his gaze back.

“Okay you don’t need to say it.” He raised his hand averting her.

“The future of medicine?”

“Stop it.”

“One of the most promising doctors?”

“I shouldn’t have brought you here.”

“But you wouldn’t have won without me Dr. Ramsey. Now we’re double trouble.”

He scoffed. “I think you are the real trouble here Rookie. Besides I couldn’t introduce you as a colossal pain in my ass, could I?”

“Ha. Ha.” She mocked him while rolling her eyes.

Both of them took their seats to enjoy the last part of the game there. When she thought everything was back to normal that question came back as if slapped her face.

“Why haven’t you signed up for the competition?”

So Klaw how are you going to respond now to your mentor huh? Another lie you want to create? And you pretend that he’s a liar. Fuck it.

“As my bestie said: ‘Scalpel is enough for me.’ So I’m not going to waste that little free time in diagnosing.”

“Then why in your application was written that you wanted to be under my wing? Care to explain?”

“It was just a bingo.” She shrugged. “I mean I didn’t know with who I wanted to work so I just picked your name since I’ve read your book.”

He huffed. “You are very smart Craig but when it comes to lies you are very subtle.”

She closed her eyes for a moment while bringing back that fidgety of her fingers- and indicator that she was worried about something. “I don’t want to ruin my friendship because I know if I enter to this competition we will start to have rivalries and in the end we will never talk to each other. I’ve been thinking all of this time Dr. Ramsey, believe me. It’s not easy when you just find out that someone will dump you to get their spot on his or her place. It’s like an animalistic fight for territory but this is between people and this takes to a much cruelty and I don’t want to be part of this. I don’t want to have my friendship questioned.”

Ethan listened attentively to her reasoning and her how her logic had been analysing all of the pros and cons of being part of the competition. She clearly wasn’t a clueless intern. She was an adult who seemed to have been through a lot in her life.

“Remarkably wise outlook for an intern.” He admitted and she watched him in surprise. “Even my friends did the same when they started their residencies and now they’re apart from their rivalries and they’ve put boundaries to each other. So you’re smart to value your allies.”

She smiled while shaking her head in disbelief. “You just called me smart two times.”

He warned her. “And if you tell anyone I said that, I will disavow that entirely.”

“Duly noted.”

First, their meeting in London.

Second, their interaction with little Ethan.

And this was the third.

What else they would keep to each other?

——————————————————————

In the interns new apartment another friend of theirs joined them surprisingly with her husky dog. Sienna was the most excited one as she pulled her in crush hug leaving Klaw breathless.

“What a day, what a game!” Elijah said happily.

Jackie shook her head in disbelief. “I still can’t believe Landry’s advice to the manager got the Nighthawks to come back and win.”

“Well I wouldn’t say it was all me.” Landry grinned triumphantly. “All I did was examine the evidence and diagnose the problem. Which is why you can all kiss that diagnostic team position goodbye.”

“Ha. Dream on, buddy. I’ll give you a run for your money!”

While they were laughing Sienna and Klaw were curled up in a couch patting Jonah’s furry.

“Why did you name him Jonah?”

“I don’t know it just came out naturally. And I’m glad I put that name too. Sienna...”

“Yes?” She asked, her encouraging smile always evident on her face.

Before Klaw would talk about her proposition to move to this apartment her phone rang.

Who in the goddamn hell calls in this hour?

She excused herself while going to the balcony and shut the glass door carefully. “Hello?”

“Good evening Miss Craig! I-I’m terribly sorry that I’m calling in such lateness!” She recognised this voice. It was the receptionist of the apartment where she was staying.

“Yes Billy. Tell me.”

“Uhm there’s a package that came from postal service ma’am and it’s from Greece.”

“From Greece? Who sent this?”

“Let me check ma’am...” she heard some ruffles and scratches. “It’s from Ms. Zelda Ahmad. The location is Athens. What should I do with it?”

Her heart wrenched when she heard her aunt’s name in such a long time. The last meeting with her was when she buried her parents and her brother and went immediately to Los Angeles. To go to that inevitable and dangerous path which seemed to never have ended for her.

“Uhm ma’am are you there?” Billy asked when he didn’t hear anything from the owner and thought to ask her again. “What should I do with the package?”

“Keep it.” She said courtly. “I’ll be there as soon as possible to take it.”

“As you wish ma’am.”

She ended abruptly the call remembering why her aunt had sent her a package. After that Sienna opened the glass door sensing her friend’s troubled mind. “Is everything okay Klaw?”

“Oh, yes Sienna. No worries but can you guys keep Jonah for a minute?”

“Yeah sure but- where are you going?”

“There’s something that I’ve should done before.” She didn’t know how she created that line and Sienna gave her a smile which she did aback. Still not knowing the reason behind of that.

If her friends would’ve known how fast she came to their apartment... clearly they didn’t know that a black muscled Porsche parked in an underground garage was everything that a girl like Klaw Craig would need. She was thankful for this vehicle to have not only the best speed but also the best acceleration to drift a bit where there were no cops patrolling.

She took the package from Billy to jump onto the elevator, her foot tapping nervously to open it. She was afraid of what her aunt could’ve sent her because it had been four years with her absence and thought for a moment of those rare calls on the phone were really something or not.

Klaw didn’t want to open the door while her breath was hitching.

“Oh come on Klaw you can do this. It’s just a package and nothing else.” She scolded herself.

She unlocked the door rapidly and headed to her suite, tossing it to the bed. Her lips twitched several times while eating the insides of her cheeks anxiously. She didn’t know why felt afraid to open it because as much as she could remember she asked Zelda if there was something that her grandma liked such as ornaments or something that she could keep it too to her home. At least reminding bits of her memory.

When she dug the knife inside of it there were some books that she read while she was younger in her years and in the end of it...

She gasped.

The end revealed some medical files with the logo of Edenbrook Hospital. It were clearly her grandmother’s.

Her eyes widened. Now she remembered. She asked Zelda that she needed to see everything that was related to her grandmother’s illness- the treatment, the surgery appointment and the doctor’s name who did the operation. Zelda had said in that time she didn’t remember exactly where she put them because apparently her sister (Klaw’s mother) Marilyn obligated her to not show anything to Klaw.

Upon the files there was a card with some words scribbled.

To my gummy bear niece.

She laughed because she dearly missed the way her aunt called her then started to open it slowly.

Agapití [Dear] Helena,

When you were younger you were always our precious niece that I, Andreas and Mama DD ever wanted. I can’t say how lucky and how proud I am that you’re now a grown woman and an independent one. You know what many other things I could’ve written to you now but I’ll just keep it short. We love you so much and I want to apologise for lying at you at first when you requested Mama DD’s files. Your mother told me to keep them away because she knew your hot temper and you would do everything to find justice. Now no one is stopping you. Here’s everything you need to know which I hope they’ll be helpful. You can continue on your quest my darling. Because I’m waiting and believe me... Mari is waiting too.

xoxo, Z

When she opened the file was the patients name and the condition of her illness altogether with the treatment in which she already knew. But the surgery appointment was nowhere to be found.

“Fuck it!” She shouted while searching for other files. “But if there was a surgery appointment then surely one of them must be on the list of the Diagnostics Team.”

Dr. Banerji’s name wasn’t on the list. The same thing was with Simon but he had told her in the 2011 he was doing some practices in New Mexico and came back after two weeks.

The only names remained were:

Dr. Akash Mirani

Dr. June Hirata

Dr. Kenji Hirata

“Who the hell are these people?” She frowned in annoyance.

Dr. Harper Emery

“Dr. Emery was in Diagnostics Team too? So she knows what has happened to Daisy.” She seethed angrily given the fact that she was a well-respected neurosurgeon. She scoffed. “Even you aren’t perfect as anyone can think Harper Emery.”

True. Nobody was perfect and neither was the last name.

Her eyes landed to the first letter...to the second, to the third until it revealed the full name with the doctor’s title.

Dr. Ethan Ramsey

She stayed still while a chill was running down her spine. Her lips trembled threatening to be welled up in tears. She saw the name again and shook her head in disbelief. Maybe she wasn’t looking properly. Maybe she needed glasses to see better. Maybe...

“No, no... it can’t be... it can’t be.” She said frantically.

She was panting hardly trying to collect herself.

She felt every emotion in one second and couldn’t understand what she was feeling. Relief? Happiness? Anger? Rage? Betray? Fear?

What she knew now was that she had a newly profound change.

Even though she had some bits of good memories with him it seemed like they were vanished.

A change that coursed down her body and made her to look into the mirror on the wall as she remembered some few words.

Competition makes them stronger.

And now she knew exactly what to do. If she wins it she would reach to the truth.

And a new confidence was now appearing even in her voice now.

“Ethan Ramsey... be prepared to see this Rookie being your closest ally.”

She smirked devilishly because if Klaw Helena Craig wanted something... she definitely would take it.

And there was still time before all zeros lined up.

—————————————————-—————

TAGS WILL APPEAR IN A REBLOG!

Part 8: TBA*

Ps: please before you think what’s going to happen in the next part interact with this post.

from now on only the graduation of high school in june is much more important for me now... and also sorry for not replying to your supportive messages and for this post too... i don’t feel like I’m ready... but i truly appreciate them...

until then... stay safe folks...

bye. ❤️ K

[inkdemonapologist]

What's going on with Wally Franks in your AU? I had trouble following the game, and the wiki seems to say that he quit the studio and retired without ever learning its darkest secrets, but I think you have him as one of the escapees (turned into a Boris?)

Okay I have a lot of rambling thoughts about the ending of the game if youre curious but I'll stick those at the end. As far as Escape AU goes:

Yes, Wally was a Boris clone! He did not fully get outta there; he's the murdered Boris at the very beginning of the game. Dying doesn't really seem to stick for ink creatures in the Studio, so he was able to come back -- but since he spent most of his time in the Studio [glados voice] really busy being dead, he doesn't have the years of trying to survive an inky hell that the others have; he just has that one really bad time where he was turned into a cartoon and murdered, and some weird and probably equally upsetting memories of briefly waking up from death. He never wandered the studio and was never sent to the puddles, so he has some real bad nightmares/insomnia now but is otherwise doing okay in his day-to-day life, and has no trouble speaking. He's probably able to hold down a job before too long!

Mostly Wally is there because I wanted Wally to be there, and I haven't fully sorted out the LORE for him in Escape AU (I don’t know if he never left or if he got lured back), but if you're interested in trying to sort out some of the canon associated:

So basically what I've gathered as someone who is obsessed with bendy and has watched all the cutscenes and all that but hasn't actually played the game and was real late to the fandom, TAKE WITH A GRAIN OF SALT:

- The game leaves things a bit ambiguous

- There were, in the original game, a lot of hints that the Boris you befriend in the Studio is Wally. (He’s sorta handy, kinda cowardly, likes food -- and we get an audiolog dedicated specifically to letting us know that Wally will straight up steal your cake off your desk; they’d be a good match!) There's several reasons it makes a kind of narrative sense and it was the prevailing theory before DCTL came out, but it was never confirmed one way or another.

- Two smaller things I’ve seen connecting Wally to Boris: the wrench you pull out of a Boris' chest, and the "Who's Laughing Now" written on the wall beside him being a really neat hint once you get to the audiolog where Wally complains that everyone is acting too serious for a cartoon studio and should crack a smile now and again. (this is most of why I went for the dead Boris as Wally)

- in Dreams Come To Life, Buddy is (spoilers) transformed into a Boris at the end, and it's commented on how perfect he is, implying he may be the "perfect Boris" you befriend in the game. The Boris in Boris and the Dark Survival is referred to outside the game as "Buddy Boris" and, since he has a safehouse, there's an implication that BatDS bridges the gap between DCTL and BatIM. The fact that Henry keeps affectionately referring to Boris as "buddy" becomes a fun retroactive “coincidence,” but also all the various implications that Wally sure would have made a good Boris now go nowhere. It ended up feeling like a retcon.

- in the end of the game you can see letters to Joey from Allison and Wally, implying they (and Tom) are alive and well and continued their lives after the Studio shut down, which is interesting since, uh, Allison and Tom are also now toons???

- there's a popular interpretation (called the Story Theory I think?) which I encountered in Adobe-Outdesign's analysis, that what this apparent contradiction means is that the "sketch dimension" (the cartoony world where most of the game takes place) is actually a story created by Joey using the Ink Machine, populated with alternate/fictional versions of the employees of the studio. So the Real Allison left, but in this story Joey’s writing, she didn’t. Henry-the-protagonist might not be the real Henry Stein; instead he's just one of Joey's characters, based on his IRL friend. Etcetera! So in real life, Wally retired, as his letter indicates. But those fictional versions are still real people, real consciouses, because the real ink machine that Joey really has hidden in his apartment is bringing Joey's story to life. I like the interpretation a lot as a take that fits the game well but also I have no idea where DCTL fits in this. IS DCTL PART OF JOEY'S STORY OR DID ALL OF THAT REALLY HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE??? IF THERE'S A LOOP IN DCTL (as slightly implied by Dot) ITS A STORY RIGHT??? WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS FRANCHISE

- the alternative interpretation to this is that somehow Allison and Tom (at least, if not others) got lured back to the Studio after she sent her letter -- after all, she's still keeping in touch. I tend to assume this is what’s going on in most fanfiction and AUs that have any possibility of escape, since you’d presumably want the employees to actually be themselves rather than Joey Drew's Weird Friendfiction brought to life. The impression I've gotten in this version is that sending them to the Bendy Dimension gives Joey control over the script there, so instead of creating people for his fictional retelling, he's forced his actual employees to play out this story, but I don't know that I've seen this fully spelled out

SO THATS, UH, SOME OF THE RELEVANT BACKGROUND INFO I THINK

Before running into the much more coherent Story Theory, my own attempts to make sense of the ending went in the exact opposite direction; that rather than Joey's apartment being a brief step out of the Story and into the Real World, that Joey's apartment is something of a dream, where Henry and Joey, of course, imagine the world that they know, even if they're not actually in it anymore.

I also REALLY liked the theories linking Joey to Bendy -- Bendy may have been created without a soul, but that doesn't mean one can't get, y'know, shoved in there... or that maybe a soul could be possibly stolen and absorbed by a creature who lacks one........ yknow..... it could happen. I like the idea that Ink Bendy's shifts in behaviour towards Henry reflect Joey's conflicted feelings towards his old friend (which is still there in the Story Theory version, it's just symbolic instead of literal).

So you defeat Beast Bendy and suddenly Joey is there, finally, in a place that looks like the real world but certainly doesn't feel real. The calendar in Joey's apartment cycles through the month of August but never moves past it, and I can't shake the idea that Joey could be just as trapped in the cycle as Henry, also never quite deviating from his own script, only briefly appearing in a memory of his own apartment when Henry releases his soul from the demon he created.

I don't know that this could ever shake out enough to be any sort of Actual Theory, but in my brain it's still kind of the background of Escape AU because it's a premise that makes it possible for the employees to actually be themselves. So, the cartoon studio is real, but the things that show up in Joey's apartment might be hit or miss as to whether they're a memory from Joey's real apartment, or if they're imagined wishful thinking on Joey's part.

[serendipitous-posts]

There’s this sheet of ice right? Hundreds and hundreds of meters thick, strong and sturdy and stretching for miles. And then one day, humans appeared on the ice, building cities and roads. They conquered and explored and evolved, creating new things, new ideas, always, always searching, until one day, they nodded, satisfied, because they had finally explored every square inch of their world. 

“weren’t you scared?” The children ask them, eyes wide “of demons?” and the adults will tell them, bright and brave and bold that they scanned and double and triple checked, and that there were no demons or monsters, there never had been “they’re just stories” they soothe their young ones, before ushering them off to bed

They all share stories and laugh at how naive they had been back then, believing in things like monsters and demons and devils when the only thing they had to fear on their travels were wild animals, mother nature and their fellow man

The ice is thick, so thick you can’t see to the other side, can’t see the water underneath. Can’t see the creatures that swim beneath it. Nobody knows how deep it is. It doesn’t even occur to anybody that there may be something beneath the ice, waiting

Ben tells this story sometimes, when his siblings or a reporter ask him about the Horror. Above the ice he explains, is their world, earth and everything in it, and below the ice is it’s world.

They never really get it, but he never really expects them to

Here’s the thing you have to understand about the Horror: it’s not just tentacles that come out of Ben’s stomach, it had it’s own body and it is huge. If it were to try and force it’s way out of Ben’s stomach, he would be ripped in half

(in another universe, a funeral is held)

In this universe, Ben is brought up to believe that the Horror is bad, is evil is wrong but it wasn’t always this way

When he was a kid, the Horror was his Belly Friend- someone who would tickle him and he would stroke it and feed it scraps. It was kind of like having your own personal best friend inside of you

His father, sensing his son was having Positive Thoughts, decided to devote the rest of his life to Stopping That

Ben & the Horror are symbiotic- they’re supposed to work together and care for each other. But that’s not what happened

The two are connected to each other, always and forever. They can feel eachothers emotions and even, when they were younger, thoughts

The Horror cannot speak, at least not human, but that’s okay because Ben understood him anyways.

(little number six grows up learning languages no human should speak, words that could rupture organs and tear through flesh)

(it makes his father nervous so he puts a stop to it)

They can only communicate to eachother when they want to, and overtime, Ben starts tuning it out, shutting it out

Luther wants to impress his father, Allison wants to be famous, Diego wants to be free, Klaus wants his powers gone, Five wants to know, Vanya wants acknowledgement outside of her powers

Ben? Ben just wants to be good

He reads books on heroes and villians and takes their ideas and black and white thinking and places it in his world-the real world

He tries to do what the pure, idealistic heroes do- he makes himself available to every member of the household, he puts them first, always. He never, ever ever tries to get angry

Someone suggests that whenever he gets mad, it’s not him it’s the Horror, and he leaps at that idea, because he can’t be angry, Good People are supposed to forgive, to let go

(Klaus and Five and Vanya always look sad when he says that. Well, Five looks constipated but close enough)

Whenever he feels hurt or angry or too agitated he just locks those emotions away and shoves them at the Horror to deal with

And as he’s shut out more and more by his family, he tries to compartmentalise all his hurt feelings, by repressing them, by blaming the Horror

Remember when Klaus resurected Ben and he was able to summon the Horror? Yeah there’s a reason for that. It isn’t part of Ben’s body. It’s part of Ben’s soul. It is Ben. They’re two halves of one whole

And here’s what dear ol’ dad never quite figures out; The Horror gets more unstable the more unstable Ben is yes, but the two are supposed to be one. It’s not just Ben’s feelings towards everyone else that makes it so shaky, it’s Ben’s feelings towards it. Because, like it or not, the Horror is a part of Ben. They are two creatures sharing one body. One soul. They are supposed to be co-existing peacefully, but Ben’s self-hatred is messing things up

So, yeah, Five comes back with a warning about the apocalypse. Ben, worried for the whole fate of humanity thing, forgets to take his pills (i haven’t decided if Harolds in it, but i am planning to make ben a famous author working under a penname so maybe they could meet through that? i dunno)

Five is worried about Ben. His last memories of his family, the first three had been distant, yes, but not like this. And Klaus and Vanya were acting like it as well.

(Luther may or may not think Ben killed dad in this)

But that worry pales in comparison to Ben himself. He doesn’t. . . seem right. He’s too blank, too expressionless too calm about certain things

(his ben had been shy and anxious and snarky and sarcastic . . what happened?)

Hell, maybe Ben didn’t actually forget to take his medication? Maybe Five figured out his dad was dulling his baby brothers emotions and took the bottle away, not knowing it was stopping his powers

You bet your ass that Klaus was pissed when he found out about the pills though, and that Ben kept it from him

That’s actually a big thing here- the others find out Ben had been taking pills to supress powers for years and kept it from them. Klaus and Allison are pissed, because they would have wanted them at some point 

And even though they don’t really know it, they have been conditioned to blame Ben for their troubles for their problems. Allison probably thinks that if she had the medication she never would have rumoured Claire, and the divorce never would have happened. Klaus is obvious. The others are all hurt that he has lied to them for years now

The problem with having everyone you know dehumanising someone, is that you start to believe that that person isn’t actually a human being. It happens in families that don’t have kids with actual eldritch abominations living in their stomach, you can bet it happens here

Sometimes, they all lie awake and remember that none of them are natural, and when you know that is it such a weird thought to have that maybe one of your brothers is maybe less natural than the others

(after a while, even ben starts to believe it)

Five tries to break it up because jesus what is wrong with you people

And Ben has been off his medication for his while at this point- not too long, a handful of hours but the Horror has been caged for years now, and it wakes up and it roars

Ben has to leave the house before he does something rash and Five reads his siblings the riot act before heading out on his own once more to try and fix the mess that is the future, leaving Ben alone again

But the anger is growing now, bouncing between the two halves, like a feedback loop, growing stronger each time. Ben breaks down in tears as the Horror howls under his skin, because the man that did this to them is dead, and they can never get revenge for all the shit he put them through

Except  . . he’s not the only one who hurt him. He thinks of his siblings, shutting him out and mocking him and hating him. Revenge? The Horror thinks, the first time since they were six in age and not just name that he has been able to hear their voice

Ben should say no, should explain that they are supposed to be good and that he loves them except . . 

He is so, so tired of trying to be good. So tired of this runaround, of trying to please his siblings, of being pushed around for no reason other than their dad told them to

He can taste his own rage, finally after all these years, bottled up from years of abuse and neglect, exploding outwards in a violent explosion

Ben and Horror are two halves, but they’ve never really come together, been whole before. But now  . . 

The two become one. They are not Ben. They are not Horror. 

They are hungry and sad and hurt and scared and angry

So very, very angry

There we go! I always liked the idea of Ben and the Horror, in a desperate act, fusing and becoming one creature. I have no idea what Horror!Ben would look like btw. He wouldn’t look human at least- I like to imagine the Horror is roughly the size of a skyscraper and looks like a cross between a squid and snake and cthulhu. They’re still the same size as Ben, obviously, but they look sort of demonic. Probably have scales and stuff

[pixiealtaira]

Snippet One

These are fics I need motivation on...so you get snippets

Glee and Criminal minds crossover

Spencer had only managed to set their base photos out and lay a bit of basic info onto the table in front of the first board before a small knock sounded outside the door.

“Excuse me,” a soft voiced asked from the doorway. “Officer Phillips told me I could find the people who came in from the FBI back here? Do you know if they are here yet?”

Spencer turned towards the soft voice and was surprised at who was actually standing in the doorway. First, despite the high voice, which Spencer had first assumed belonged to either a young lady or a much younger person the person in the doorway was a guy, a guy in his mid-teen at least.  The grey coat and the purple scarf weren’t exactly highly masculine cut, but Spencer, contrary to popular belief, knew enough to know that both were rather high end designer items.  The young man looked exactly that though, young…and nervous. He was fingering the strap of his bag and rocking on his heels.  

“Yes,” Spencer answered, with a sigh. “This is where we are set up.”

The boy raised his eyebrows at Spencer. “You’re an FBI agent?”

Spencer raised his right back. “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

The boy chuckled.  He looped the bag off his shoulders and dropped it to the floor.  Then he looked around for a coat stand before he started to remove his grey coat.  Spencer gasped at the boy and blurted out “What the hell happened to you?”

The boy looked down and sighed.   His grey sweater and white skinny jeans were more red and blue than their original colors. The boy took his coat to the coat stand and carefully hung it up as he started to talk. “Slushies six and seven.  It’s been a long day.  This is actually outfit five.  FIVE! I will never be able to get the red out of this sweater either, since I had to sit through a whole class before even being allowed enough time to try to do anything about it!  At least the teacher let me wash my face, but look at my hair! I’ll be lucky if it hasn’t stained. I really hate Mr. Lurch, and yes, that really is his last name.  It’s not like ten minutes lost from AP World History would make it so I flunk. I am absolutely certain I hold the highest grade in there.  Of course, most shouldn’t even be in an AP class, so that doesn’t say much.  And even though I’m like the only one who knows what the man is talking about, ever, he only calls on me when he has exhausted all other options. ” Spencer smiled a little as the boy spoke.   His hands were in motion the whole time and he had a gracefulness about his movements that Spencer enjoyed watching. Spencer pulled a chair over from the other table and set it to the side of the one he’d been sitting in while pouting.  The boy kept speaking as Spencer worked.  

“So my mood was not the best anyway. I was completely infuriated when I started to head home after I was informed by the principal, who watched these last two slushy attacks happen, that I could not stay at school because the representatives from Lady Margret’s were expected at any moment and I was simply no longer dressed as a good representative from McKinley and I needed to remove myself, taking the half day of absences, from the school grounds at once. Before lunch mind you, before lunch.”

The boy was ranting now; Spencer recognized the hand on the hips and quick speech.  However Spencer also figured the boy needed the outlet, so let him continue.

“Granted, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to leading around any of the members of Lady Margret’s student council, because last year one of the girls who visited in our Science class was just plain rude, and that is saying something considering I go to McKinley and nearly everyone there is awful.  But still it was somewhat of an honor escorting that student council around, supposedly, so it would have been nice to actually have been able to do so.  I almost suspect Miss Rachel Berry to have orchestrated this last round of slushies, because now she gets to be the escort and she’d been complaining about not getting the privilege for a week and half… but I have been telling myself since slushies six and seven that there is no way she would stoop so low, and besides, it was Azimio and Rick the Stick and I don’t think she dares even speak to either for fear they’d get her first.  Of course, I also suspect the honor was originally granted because I am one of the few who can actually afford to miss a few classes without my grades reflecting a missed class and not because anyone actually wanted me to talk to anyone from any other school.  Rachel, in all her glory, is involved in a ridiculous amount of clubs and can’t miss too many more class hours, really.”  The boy paused for a moment and looked around, noting the table on the far side of the room had piles of papers and such on it and the end of the table the chairs were at had boxes that were opened lined up.  “Can I set my bag here or will that be an issue later?”

Spencer smiled. He was pleased the boy had thought and asked before acting.  “If we keep things to this end it will be fine. It’d be better if you sat on the chair I pulled over.  The one across from me is not very sturdy sounding.”

“Thank you.”  The boy’s smile was exquisite. The boy walked back to the doorway and picked up his bag, continuing talking as he did so. “Anyway... just as I was leaving the parking lot, Chip called.  So all in all, it actually turned out …well, rather perfect.”

“Perfect?”  Spencer asked.  He settled himself back into the chair he’d been pouting in earlier.

“Yes,” The boy said, “because even though no one wants to meet real life FBI agents looking like this in the long run it was a good thing, because frankly, I didn’t want to end up having to sneak in or skip school, or something else like that---things that were  likely to get me grounded, just to see you guys.”

“Grounded?” Spencer asked.

“Yes.  The Sheriff? He hates me, honestly hates me.” The boy looked Spencer up and down, had they been anywhere else Spencer would have accused the young man of checking him out. “He probably won’t like you, either.  Sorry. Are you sure you are a FBI agent?  And if you are, why are you dressed like that?  That look does absolutely nothing for you.  We could do so much better.”

Spencer sighed.

“SSA Dr. Spencer Reid.”  Spencer stood and offered his hand.  The boy’s hands were even slightly stained red.  “How did you even know we were coming?”

“Kurt Hummel.  It is a pleasure to meet you, don’t get me wrong.  It’s just; you dress more like ‘absentminded college professor’ and not like what I’ve always thought FBI agents would look like.  And, I was not thinking ‘men in black’, as hot as that would be in real life.   More like regular suits…maybe nice ties…or maybe even less formal jeans you can move fast in and Henley shirts, kind of a rugged look.  That is not to say you look like a college professor, still too young for that, but you kind of dress like one.  Although, you almost carry the look, it’s almost like…”

Kurt trailed his sentence as he looked over Spencer once again and Spencer was pretty sure the boy was picturing him in clothing he imagined more suitable for an FBI agent. He could see when a thought of why he might dress the way he did and the realization of a reason for Spencer’s clothing choices took hold of the boys mind.  Spencer suspected he had the right idea as well.

“Yeah.”  Spencer said.  

“Anyway, I knew you guys were coming because of your SUVs.  Where ever they were fetched from so does not get any merit awards for their mechanic work. It was very nearly shameful.  Chip, he worked at my dad’s garage during the summers when he was still in high school.  It was nice; he was one of the good guys.  Didn’t care that the boss’s weird son was there all the time working alongside his dad.  My dad makes sure anyone who spends time working for him knows their stuff.  So Chip knew just from the sound that those SUVs made as they rolled into the parking lot here that they needed help if they were to be safe for anything other than just the very basic use for very short distances.  He called Dad and Dad told him to bring them over.  However, it was just after closing and most Dad’s regular employees had already gone home.  So Dad called me in and I came out to work with him. I haven’t worked full hours recently, so I could work without worry about overtime or anything. And I can always use the money.  Don’t worry, I’ve been certified since Dad could legally get me certified. While we were working the Sheriff sat there chattering about why they were calling you guys in and I told him that I knew of something that connected all the deaths.  The sheriff got asked to leave the shop due to the language he used as he told me you guys would never want to listen to me. Oh my stars, I thought for a few moments the Sheriff was going to just shoot my dad right then and there for daring to tell him to leave, but Dad just stood there looking at him and the sheriff finally made another slur and left the building.  Dad says the shop is supposed to be one of my safe places, at least while I’m working there. Then Chip said that they were sending FBI agents who looked at things other than just fingerprints and stuff like that, so he’d get me into to talk to you as soon as he could because maybe knowing something that linked them all would mean something.”

“You say you know something that links all the deaths?”  Spencer asked.

“All eight.”  Kurt said. “I even went back and double checked last night.”

Spencer looked around for some paper and a pen, until he gave up and fetched paper and pen from his own satchel.  “I’m going to have to get some writing utensils and paper in here, this is ridiculous.” He muttered, not quietly enough though, since the boy heard and smiled.

“Nice bag.” The young man, Kurt, said. “Good designer, rather old though.  It’s held up well, that is the nice thing about good quality work, it holds up to wear well. Abuse well, too, if the material is right.”

“Take a seat.”  Spencer said, pointing to the chair he’d set out for the boy. “Five outfits? Is that normal?”

“Nah, not even for most the others who get slushied at my school.  Honestly it’s even a bit much for me.  I always pack a spare or two, outfit wise.  A change or two a day is normal, more than three is rare. High School is…there is a hierarchy, you know, and if you don’t fit in, sometimes it’s not a nice place to be.”

Spencer nodded.  “Tossed in dumpsters and checked into lockers.” He said.

“Swirlies and slushies and shoving to the extent that you face plant. Exactly.”  Kurt sat down and pulled his bag up onto the table.  As he did, Spencer noticed a wince and wondered.  “Outfit one was a loss even before school started, they served spaghetti for lunch yesterday and the dumpsters aren’t emptied until just before lunch tomorrow.  Of course, even without the dumpster toss this morning I would have had to change…slushy one was grape and huge.  Plus even before I managed to get to my locker to drop my bag off and extract a new outfit, I ended up slammed in to Locker 279.  Luckily, I had a minor setback at home before I left and traded my good under t-shirt for one of the cheap ones my dad buys me and I had removed my good coat before the dumpster toss.  Locker 279 met with some sort of trauma earlier this year and needs replacing.  Like, the school year, not calendar year. Do you know first aid?  I patched the slice across my back best I could and wrapped it in the remains of the cheap t-shirt, but it’s not feeling quite right.” Kurt scrunched his shoulders and rolled them before pulling his bag onto the table and starting to empty it. Spencer smiled again as the boy continued talking while looking through the notebooks, books, and folders he removed and pulling out papers here and there.

“Anyway, patched and redressed I almost made it to my first class except Puck’s trying to get his rep back up and was going to slushie Jacob the Creep…that is Jacob ben Israel and he is very much one of those makes the skin crawl creepy people-I try not to think about just where that boy might have hidden cameras lurking about in that school because my dad says I have to go to school and I cannot be homeschooled and if I think long about Jacob the Creep and his cameras I just start to freak out and so I just try very hard not to think about it …” The boy across from Spencer shuddered and grimaced before looking back down to the papers he was collecting from inside his pile of belongings. “Anyway, one of the Hockey Players pushed Puck and it got me.   Puck punched the hockey player so I guess he sees me as a …friend maybe… which can only be a good thing. Puck’s in Glee club with me, and I think maybe the fact we’ve helped him out a bit with some of his issues this past little bit…we as in my dad mostly and me a little…has made him a bit less eager to make my life completely miserable. I was worried about that since I hadn’t really had a conversation with him for well over a week and the last one wasn’t exactly a good conversation and was well, rather weird.  Totally thought I’d weirded him out so bad he’d never speak to me again. Outfit two down.  Outfit three made it through first and second hour, but met its demise with slushies three and four right outside of the choir room.  Glee club isn’t even going on really since we lost regionals and can’t compete in any other competitions until next school year and apparently that is what glee is about...instead of working starting now so we don’t lose next year… but we still have that hour scheduled for class so we still go and well, it’s become the most dangerous class to go to since we lost regionals, not that it was safe before.  Apparently that is what makes us all targets, except half of us were targeted just as much, if not more, before we started up in Glee club, so really it’s just a handy excuse. Outfit four made it through glee, but not two steps past leaving the door of the choir room…slushie five and Karofsky.  Only he has it down to the locker check and then slushie in face combo. I’ll have bruises from that, too.  And outfit five never even made it into fourth hour.”

“Slushies?  Like crushed ice drinks?” Spencer asked.

“Yes.  They are horrid.  The syrup stings your eyes and they are sticky and yet slimy and cold.  There is a machine for them IN the school.  It is ridiculous.”

“Thank God my high school didn’t have those.  So, are your dumpsters the kind with the huge hard plastic lids or the metal lids?”

Kurt shivered.  “Plastic, thank goodness.  I’ve only had the lid shut on me twice though, both last year when I was a freshman.”

“I preferred those over the metal lidded ones, I think.  The ones by the lunchroom at my school were plastic lidded, but smooth and hard to climb out of, but if you could get to the top they were easier to open.   You’re pretty much tall enough that you probably can push the lid up without too much problem.   I had to walk by the dumpsters at the side of the school where the offices were and they had metal lids. I was tossed in those pretty much every day, and they shut the lid every time - Not so bad on my clothing as the ones by the lunchroom, but the first day no one found me until Mickey the Janitor came out to toss some papers from the main office and finally fished me out, four and half hours after I’d been tossed in.  I was too little to manage to get the lid to open even with the grooved sides that I could use to climb out. After that first day, every day ten minutes after second hour started, Mickey would fish me out of the dumpsters so I could get to my class. I think Mickey must have explained it to the teacher, as well, because even though I was ten minutes late every day I was never marked tardy.”

Spencer looked at Kurt, who looked back at him with an odd expression.  Spencer raised an eyebrow.  

“Sorry,” Kurt said, looking down and straightening the pile of papers he’d pulled from his various books and folders.   The Kurt looked up again and met Spencer’s eyes.  “It’s just…you get it.  You’d understand it all, wouldn’t you?”

Spencer smiled. “Probably.  I started high school right before I turned ten and graduated when I was 12.”

“Some sort of super genius, then.  I should have guessed, I suppose. I bet the other kids hated you more than kids hate me.  Was it bad all the way through high school?”

Spencer nodded.  “Most of it. I was severely bullied my last year, until about mid December when I joined the basketball team and they won every single game for the rest of the season.”

“You played?”  Kurt asked. Kurt was watching Spencer as he stuffed books and folders back into his bag.  

Spencer tilted his head back and laughed. “No…just, no.  I didn’t even go through a growth spurt of any type until I was like thirteen or fourteen.  Late bloomer. I took over coaching.  Basketball is fundamentally mathematics and physics.  Angles and statistics. On your team,  if you know who can make what shots consistently and you put your players in place and you teach them how to make the math work for them…you win.  The team had lost all four games they had played, their star player had just been expelled for selling drugs, so when I brought them my plan, and the coach figured they had nothing left to lose, they put it to use.  And they started winning every time they put my plans into play.  The other thing I did was break down other teams shooting strategies, so we knew who and what to watch out for and how to foil the other teams’ plans.  Most the bad bullying stopped after that.”

“Nice.  I wish it would have worked for me.  I joined the football team. Heck, I was the reason they won the only game they won this past year.  Made no difference in the bullying, at all.  In some cases it made it worse. Technically, I even won the Cheerios, that’s our cheerleading team, their national title. They probably could have won without me though….maybe. The coach signed me on solely for my singing voice.   Nearly fifteen minutes of Celine Dion in French and that was only one of the six fifteen minute routines she made me learn perfectly.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t just sing.  The coach made sure I could do anything she asked the other cheerleaders to do, as well….while singing. Everything, that lady is insane.   Didn’t stop the bullying.  The bullies were more careful about when they bullied, and I dealt with a whole lot more of being shoved and pushed and that kind bullying instead of the slushies…but that was because Coach Sylvester would have killed them if they messed the uniform up too badly.”

“I’m sorry you have to deal with that,” Spencer said.

Kurt shrugged. “C’est la vie, I guess. It’s what you get by being different, by being an outcast. You always hear it gets better. Did it get better?”  Kurt asked.

Spencer cocked his head to the side and ran his fingers through his hair.  “Most of the time I think so, but I still have issues.”

Kurt looked him up and down again and nodded.

“Well, I’ve always known I can’t expect miracles and that there will always be problems.  But I rather hoped they would be less if I moved away from here.”  He said with a sigh. He looked up at Spencer. “The murdered guys... those guys weren’t, you know.  Outcasts.”  

“What do you mean?”  Spencer asked.

[aros001]

First time read through light novel vol. 6. Random thoughts.

Hey, can you guess what my favorite episode of the anime is? Here's a hint: it's one apparently a lot of other Subarem shippers hate. I say f**k that! Episode 18 and this book made me love the idea of them as a couple even more! But we'll get to that in a minute.

“By conducting these negotiations, you bear Emilia’s fate on your shoulders. Naturally, everything you say affects her, and it carries the same weight as Emilia’s words. This is not a decision you should make lightly, nor are the words you say easily taken back.”

“...Ah, uh...”

“Moreover, I ask again—should you owe me in this matter, it will mean the defeat of the Emilia camp. Are you truly fine with this?”

It really brings into the focus the problem of Subaru calling himself Emilia's knight without thinking and why the actual knights took such offence to it. At best it was a gimmick with no actual meaning to him and at worst he wanted all the rewards that came with being a knight (or at least what he perceived as the rewards) and not any of the responsibility. That's basically the reality Crusch is making Subaru face; the true burden that is on the one who claims to be Emilia's representative. Being a knight isn't just a game or a fancy title. Whatever he does will heavily impact his lady's future and he never once considered that.

“You hate the Witch Cult. That’s the reason you approached Emilia, is it not?”

Damn.

“—You have not said, ‘I want to save Emilia,’ even once.”

Daaaamn. Obviously, we know the witch cult has nothing to do with why Subaru wanted to hang around Emilia, but it's really telling of his current state that that's what it looks like from the outside. His hatred for Petelgeuse is stronger than his love for Emilia.

The fact that Roswaal has twice now been absent during events that his presence could easily have prevented tragedy is incredibly suspicious. Especially during the mansion arc, where he only left the mansion during the loop Subaru had made a lot of progress in finding the shaman and thus, unlike the previous loops, could have warned him about what was about to happen. It feels like Roswaal is intentionally removing himself as to invite disaster upon his house and Emilia, likely to manipulate her and Subaru.

Priscilla is an oddity to me, because she really feels like someone I should dislike more than I do, as I tend to have an instant dislike for very bratty, entitled, and/or spoiled characters. I'm not sure what it is specifically that's lifting her up so much for me. It's not just the looks, because I've seen attractive female characters I've hated because of their brattiness (I think she and Bitch princess from Shield Hero share the same english voice actor, in fact). I think that, one, there is just this sense of fun and amusement when Priscilla's around, like I just want to see whatever she does next, and two, despite her attitude, I'm not really getting a feeling of shallowness from her. She doesn't feel like she's putting people down just to prop herself up. There is actual strength and depth to her.

Rem followed behind both of them, and he could hear noises coming from her nose every so often. Rem had a keen sense of smell, and she’d apparently picked up some kind of unsavory scent, staring at the back of the iron helm as they walked along.

Well, Al is from another world like Subaru, so it wouldn't be surprising if he also had the witch's scent attached to him, assuming his situation is anything like Subaru's.

“Don’t be silly. You’re Ram, right?”

“I am Rem... Forgive my rudeness, but where have you met Sister, Master Al?”

Rem explained how he’d mistaken her for her nearly identical older sister as she posed the question. However, Al made no reply. He raised up his one arm and touched his helm, busily poking the metal.

“What the hell’s goin’ on here...?”

Al sounded nervous, seemingly unable to process the information. The increasingly rapid tapping offered further proof.

“So you’re Rem...and your sister is Ram?”

“Yes, that is correct.”

“This might be a weird thing to ask but...is your older sister alive?”

“...? I do not understand the meaning of your question. Sister is alive, as she should be.”

The instant Rem gave that answer, Subaru, who had been listening to the conversation in silence, felt goose bumps all over his flesh.

“—This ain’t funny.”

Well...that got a lot of theory wheels turning in my head. I was already wondering if Al had his own Return By Death ability, so it's certainly possible he'd met Ram before a restart, though why he'd mix up her and Rem, I'm not sure. Another possibility is that he's maybe experienced Subaru's own RBDs, so while he can't trigger the ability himself he retains his memories from the original timelines. We've seen timelines where Ram has died but also one back at the mansion where only Rem died. Of course, there's also the possibility this story is going to go full Futurama: Bender's Big Score and Al is going to turn out to be a future version of Subaru sent back to the past.

That damn whale is like something out of a horror movie. I don't tend to care for gory horror but I do like movies with unique monsters and killers, so I could easily see myself getting into a movie about a giant flying whale that appears in a dark fog and basically consumes the entire existence of whatever it eats, including its past presence in the world. It's not just memories being erased. The person themselves never was.

You can tell the story is doing a good job of connecting when I know full well that Subaru's going to have another RBD and that everything's going to be fine and I'm still tearing up over Rem basically sacrificing herself to hold off the whale and Subaru is realizing he's allowed her to die four times over.

Huge difference between the books and the anime, as I'm pretty sure in the anime Puck just killed Subaru in the room Emilia died in. There was no bringing her to the witch cult's hidden cave like there was here.

“Unable to even pass a single trial, not even facing a single Deadly Sin, bearing great expectations only to stumble over the first stone in her path...”

The madman looked down at the sleeping Emilia, sighing.

“—Ahh, you were lazy!”

Curious as to what he meant by all that. Now that I think about it, I don't think it's been revealed yet the specific reason the witch cult went after Emilia. Yes, she looks like the Witch of Envy but it that a bad thing or a good thing to the cult? Do these "trials" she was supposed to face have to do with the dragon and royal selection or the witch?

I don't think they said why Subaru can now see Petelgeuse's previously unseen hands. I think I saw a theory about how Subaru's connection with the witch grows stronger with each RBD, beyond just the scent, so he might simply has just accumulated enough EXP to finally level up into seeing them. Then again, I did love Subaru's mocking line to Petelgeuse that the witch has been "cheating" on him with Subaru, so it's certainly possible he just has more of Satella's affection than Petelgeuse and thus he gets more special perks from her.

And finally, we get to the talk between Subaru and Rem at the end. Funny thing, when I first started watching the anime, someone I knew who'd seen it before me told me that, one, it's very different from Isekai Quartet, which introduced me to the characters, so don't go in expecting a comedy, and two, that episode 18 has a Subaru moment that a lot of people hate. Given how the arc had been since before that episode and how Subaru kept falling further and further, I had no idea what was going to happen or what was worse than what he'd already done that'd get people to hate him so much.

And it turns out it's just because of a shipping war. I'm still not sure if I should feel relieved or annoyed. Yeah, I ship Subaru and Rem over Subaru and Emilia, but hating this part of the story just because he still loves Emilia? I feel like everything else except for that one line gets ignored (the line I'm avoiding saying because I don't want a bot to flag this post) and that the lack of all context except Subaru loving Emilia while Rem loves him destroys a lot of why the scene works.

There's just so much to talk about with why I love this part between Subaru and Rem. I'm a big fan of superhero stories and a classic trope I love is when things get dark and everything is brought to its lowest point...only for the hero to make a comeback. And Subaru... The man is broken. He's given up. Not only has he experienced death, failure, and futility multiple times, he's seen the people he cares about be completely slaughtered, with Rem dying, being mutilated, and even erased to protect him and Emilia, the woman he loves, dying directly because of him. He's powerless to change anything, or at least everything he does change seems to just make things worse. He sees himself as selfish, greedy, and arrogant; that he never actually cared about anyone other than himself. He's just spewing all this very justified self-hatred...and Rem counters it perfectly, not saying a single thing that isn't true about what she loves about him. Last volume had her imagining running away with Subaru, so the possible life with him she talks about isn't just something she's pulled out of the air. It's something she's considered and wants, which means it has actual weight when she turns him down.

I think another reason Rem connects to Subaru so much is because she's no stranger to self-hatred. She's also seen her own existence as a blight on everyone and everything around her. That she's selfish and terrible. And the person who helped pull her out of that state, at least somewhat, and get her to start liking herself was Subaru, which is what she's doing for him now. It's what I love so much about the relationship between these two. It's not just that they've saved each others' lives. They've helped each other in incredibly personal ways, despite the fact that neither fully knows what the source of the other's pain is. Subaru doesn't know what Rem felt as she watched Ram's horn get cut off. Rem doesn't know about Subaru's RBD and constant failures. They didn't need to. They simply knew the other needed help and they gave it, with no strings attached. It's why, despite me shipping them together, I'm not upset that Subaru doesn't return Rem's love (yet?) in the same way. There was a great bit of art I saw of the moment, and the words alongside it were "I didn't say I love you to hear it back. I said it so that you would know." Despite her still having some issues, being a little too subservient and obsessed with Subaru, I can believe Rem's love for him is real. When Subaru hated himself and believed everyone else did too, Rem told him that she loved him, not to get anything back out of it, but simply because she wanted him to at least have that to hold onto.

Rem was clearly at least a little upset at the end of their talk, and I can see it being some regret that she turned him down or that he does still love Emilia more, and I'm fine with that. She did the right thing and she is happy the real Subaru is back, but her being a little sad afterwards keeps her human (even if she's a demon).

Honestly, while I do ship them, I think both did make the right call. If or when they hook up, it should be when there's no lingering doubts or regrets they're carrying with them. Where they can have a future where they can smile together and with everyone in their lives they love and can't just abandon. Plus, I want to see Ram as an aunt to Subaru and Rem's kid! That sounds amazing!

And Subaru saying he loves Emilia, even after Rem poured her heart out to him...well, yeah, of course he does. He just found out Rem loves him and has had no time to process it (he was trying to run away with her out of fear and guilt, thus why she turned him down). If his feelings for Emilia were that easily swayed then it'd be hard to say that they were ever that strong or real to begin with, and thus what would have been the point of everything he's been through? It's not like he said it to hurt Rem. Hell, here and in the anime he sounds pretty apologetic as he says it, because he knows it'll hurt her to hear it and he doesn't want that. But it is the truth. So I'm not going to get mad at him for it. It's consistent with his character and everything he's been through and lead to great character moments for both him and Rem. What's there to be angry about?

But yeah, there was a little bit of it in the last chapter but I'm soooooooo looking forward to next volume. I remember just the feeling of hype and "F**k yeah!" going through my chest on my first watch of the anime. Subaru, after hitting his absolute lowest point, pulling himself together with Rem's help and gathering up everything he's got to fight back against the previously hopeless situation and save the day. It made all that heartache and misery so worth the wait.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Re_Zero/comments/gr9y77/novels_first_time_read_through_light_novel_vol_6/