#I ate two already today and now i'm craving more

[gojoonsaturn]

pairing: Sukuna x fem reader

wc: 4132

a/n: after Shinjuku Sukuna didn’t die and made a peace with jujutsu world, also Gojo is alive. You could choose in which form you want to see Sukuna. english is not my first language, so i'm sorry about mistakes :(

warnings: pregnancy, slight mention of sex, I guess I made OOC Sukuna, you decide)) childbirth, angst, fluff, little jealousy Sukuna

On the evening’s dinner, Sukuna noticed your pale face and bags under your eyes. With a forced smile, you set a plate before him, bowing low to him. The King of Curses grabbed your elbow, his eyes narrowing in scrutiny. You stared at Sukuna, who regarded you with an intent gaze. 

“My Lord!”

Uraume materialized from out of nowhere, literally saving you from Ryomen’s attention. They gestured towards the exit from the dining hall, and you bowed again to your master, leaving the room.

“What’s wrong with the girl?” He asked annoyingly.

“Food poisoning, I guess.” Uraume replied with a chuckle and tried not to show their concern in front of the King.

“I want you to take care of her. She looks terrible.” Sukuna sat down to dinner.

You were alone in your room when a knock came on the door. Heart racing, you opened it and allowed Uraume enter.

“I said you had food poisoning, but you must understand that you can’t hide it from Lord Sukuna.” They remained as stoic as ever, yet you detected concern in their eyes.

“I know, but… You are aware of his stance on children. In fact, I have heard he ate children in the Heian era…”

“That’s true. It’s a mystery how he could get you pregnant. I thought curses could not procreate. Perhaps there is something special about you…”

“I think he wouldn’t believe me that I didn’t sleep with anyone else besides him...”

“But you are his concubine. No one would dare to lay a hand on you.”

You gently stroked your belly, remembering the day when you found out you were pregnant. Two months ago, afraid, you went to Uraume to share the news. At first, they were confused, but there was something inside them, that wanted to help. They gave you permission to rest more and take time off from your duties.

“Rest and sleep well. Lord Sukuna wants you to be healthy.”

“Thank you, Uraume.”

Two days later, you took an evening bath. As you sank into the water, you closed your eyes, stroking your abdomen and calming yourself. Suddenly, a pair of hands settled on your shoulders. Opening your eyes, you encountered Sukuna's tranquil gaze.

“Are you feeling better now?”

He approached you and seated himself at the edge of the bathtub.

“Y-yes… Much better.” You replied.

“I want you in my chambers today. Will you come?”

“Of course. As you wish, my King.”

You attempted to hide beneath the foam, but he watched you with amusement, noting some change in you, though his sharp red eyes failed to detect it.

In the third month of your pregnancy, you began to wear loose robes. Your abdomen was already visible, and the fabric served as a means of concealing your condition from the King. After that night he preferred to see you oftener in his chambers, but suddenly became gentler during the sex. You feared that he knew about your pregnancy, but Uraume reassured you of his unaware. 

Sukuna couldn’t tell what about you had started to captivate him. Previously, he appreciated your slim figure and pale complexion, but your weight gain suited you well, arousing a sense of desire within him.

One night with the King, you woke up with a sweet craving. You carefully slipped out of Ryomen's embrace and went to the kitchen but found nothing satisfying.

“What do you need?” Sukuna’s voice startled you.

“Uhm… Just some water.”

The King approached a jug of water, poured a glass and gave it to you.

“Thank you, my Lord.”

You accepted the glass of water from his hand and took a small sip, averting your gaze from Sukuna's.

“What?” You inquired softly, forcing a smile.

“What are you hiding from me, girl?”

“Why do you suppose so?”

“Because you’ve changed, and I cannot discern in what way.”

“I believe I have gained a slight weight. If you are displeased…”

“No. I find you more appealing this way.” He interrupted you and came closer, inhaling your scent.

Suddenly he grabbed your arm and placed his hand on your abdomen.

“What the…” He didn’t finish the sentence.

“My Lord!” Uraume called him. In their eyes was a fear for you.

“Who did you sleep with, brat?”

“No one… Just you, my King…” You looked at him confidently.

“The curses cannot procreate, and you know this, Uraume!” His voice began to tremble.

“I do, my Lord. However, I assure you that she has not lain with anyone else. I know that’s hard to believe, but something in her bloodline made it possible. I swear to you, this is your child, my King!”

Sukuna gazed at you in silence, but despite your fear you didn’t look away. Your breathing became steadier and the posture exuded confidence. Suddenly, you noticed a discernible change in the King's gaze. Both you and Uraume exchanged glances, and they nodded to you, gesturing towards exit from the kitchen.

You were unaware of their conversation, but you decided to return to your chambers. Your heart was still racing, preventing you from falling asleep. As your consciousness began to fade, you felt a touch on your waist. Opening your eyes, you turned around and found Sukuna there. He gently rested his chin on your shoulder, with his red eyes closed.

In the fourth month, the other concubines stared at you in disbelief, unable to believe that you had conceived a child with the master. However, you and Sukuna ignored their whispers and often allowed yourself to be seen together. Sukuna stopped visiting other women and spent every night with you. He enjoyed touching your abdomen and leaning against it, listening to the sound of the child's heartbeat. It was a true miracle, and sometimes he found it hardly to believe in his future heir.

“What’s in you, woman?...”  He asked, caressing your belly gently.

“Your child, my Lord.” You replied with a laugh.

“No, I mean… Why you of all concubines?”

“I cannot say for sure. But I believe it’s a blessing.”

“Yeah. He will be the extraordinary.” He said, and you saw the sparkle in his eyes.

“Or she.” You added carefully.

Sukuna’s expression shifted, and you could see the wheels turning in his mind.

“Or she.” Finally, he nodded in agreement, accepting the possibility of having a daughter.

One day, in the fifth month of your pregnancy, you two had a small fight. The King saw you laughing with another servant, and his rage was palpable. Sukuna seized your arm, pulling you away from the man. Then he approached the servant with a murderous glare.

“If you ever talk to her again, I will tear out your throat, do you understand?” Ryomen demanded, his nostrils flared.

“My Lord, your… she just wanted to know what could alleviate her backache…” The man was skilled in medicine, and the other concubines asked him for advice on health matters.

“My King, it’s true. Adrien was a doctor, and I inquired about my pain. Nothing else.”

Sukuna’s gaze softened slightly.

“There is no need for servants to give medical advice. I can offer you the services of a professional doctors.” Sukuna said, his chest rising and falling with each breath, but his eyes held a hint of relief. “Leave us” He released the man

“Why didn’t you tell me you were in pain? Uraume can accompany you to the doctor.”

“Because there is nothing serious about it! Every pregnant woman experiences pain and cramps, Sukuna!” You began to yell at him, but quickly stopped yourself, covering your mouth with your hand. “I’m sorry, my Lord. It’s just…”

“I understand. Your hormones and all that. Uraume has told me.” He replied.

You smiled at him and placed your hand on his cheek. His breathing softened, and the anger in his eyes started to fade.

“Come to my chambers tonight. I will attempt to alleviate your discomfort.” You stared at him in astonishment but nodded and left the hall.

That evening you arrived at Ryomen’s chambers, but didn’t find him there. A dim light emanated from the bathroom door.

“Come here…” You heard from the bathroom.

Opening the door, you saw Sukuna standing by the bathtub. The air was filled with lavender scent which you adored.

“I was told that lavender can help relax your muscles, so… Please, welcome!” His tone was softer and more caring than you had heard before.

He assisted you in removing your robe and guided you into the tub.

“And you?...” You asked playfully, not letting his hand go free.

“I wasn’t planning on it...”

“Please. I want you by my side.” Your voice deepened, and Sukuna couldn’t resist your allure any longer.

He sat behind you, leaning your body against his torso. His fingers began massaging your back, providing relief from the tension you'd felt for weeks. Ryomen kissed your shoulder, moving up to your neck, eliciting a soft moan from you. You turned towards him, taking his chin in your hand and returning his kiss on the lips. Sukuna wasn't accustomed to such open displays of affection, but he couldn't deny the pleasure he felt in that moment.

For about an hour, you two sat like this, until your skin began to prickle with goosebumps from the cooling water.

“Darling, we need to get out. You’ll catch a cold.” Sukuna said.

“Mhm… It’s so nice with you here. Will you stay with me tonight?” You murmured into his ear.

“I will.” He replied.

He lifted you from the tub, helped you dry off with a towel, and carried you to bed.

“Are your back better now?”

“Mhm. Much better.”

You snuggled into his embrace and started to fall asleep. But suddenly you leapt up in bed, looking at the King with amazement and placing your hand on the abdomen.

“What? Is there something wrong with the child? I’ll call Uraume.” Ryomen asked, getting out of bed and heading for the door.

“No, no! Wait!”

You reached him and placed his hand on your belly.

“Do you feel that?”

At first, Sukuna looked at you in confusion, then he felt the child’s kicking in your womb.

“Wow… That’s… incredible.” He said, starting to move his hand over your abdomen following the baby’s movements.

“Would you like to know its gender?” He inquired with amusement.

“W-what? How can you…” You felt your hands and lips trembling. “One part of me wishes to know, but the other…” You bit your lower lip and hesitantly gazed at Sukuna.

“Let it be a surprise for you. But anytime you wish to know, I shall answer, my love.”

You were in the middle of sixth month of your pregnancy when Satoru Gojo arranged a meeting with Sukuna. The King of Curses was not enthusiastic about the meeting but had no choice. The servants set up a table, which you decorated with flowers. Although Sukuna didn’t like to share details of that battle, you heard enough about the famous and strongest jujutsu sorcerer. You were very curious about him.

Near the evening, you heard servants whispering about the arrival of the sorcerer. You glanced at Sukuna and made a move towards the exit.

“Stay with me, please.” Sukuna said suddenly, his voice demanding. His tone was colder, yet in his eyes you saw a hint of vulnerability.

You nodded subtly and took a seat at the table next to Ryomen.

In the dining room, a tall man with snow-white hair and a blindfold entered. He sat before Sukuna, his lips curling into a barely noticeable smile.

“I prefer to see your eyes, sorcerer. Or are you ashamed of your no longer perfectly blue eyes?” Sukuna's voice carried an ironic tone.

Satoru Gojo removed his blindfold, revealing one eye that was black and the other ocean blue. You were uncomfortable and tried to avert your gaze from him.

“There are rumors in the jujutsu world that one of your concubines is carrying your child. Is this true?” Gojo asked.

You looked at Sukuna with a fear in your eyes, and your hand unconsciously moved to your abdomen.

“And so what?” Sukuna appeared confident.

“Do you allow yourself to be fooled?”

“Better shut your mouth or you’ll lose your other eye too. This child is mine.”

“But the curses can’t…” The sorcerer attempted to interrupt Sukuna, but Ryomen cut him off.

“I am the King of Curses.” He said, not wanting to admit there was something special about you.

Gojo continued.

“Anyway. We want to take the child and analyze it. After it’s birth, of course.”

“Are you so foolish to enter my home and speak to me like that?! Have you forgotten the way I brought you to your knees? How you all begged for that damn peace. And yet, here you are at my table with the mother of my child, asking for it to be taken away?” Ryomen was enraged, but Gojo showed no fear. “You will all suffer again, and there will be no more peace. I’ll burn this world if you or any of your stupid sorcerers dare harm my woman or our child.”

“Do you remember the terms of the peace? If you attempt to start the war again, you will die.” You looked at Sukuna, but he didn’t look back.

“I don’t care about myself or jujutsu. This woman and our heir are my priority now.” He took your hand under the table, without looking at you again.

“Well, I warned them! Shall we finally start dinner? I’m starving from my journey from Tokyo. Your estate is far from the capital.”

You and Ryomen exchanged glances. Gojo began to eat, and when he saw that neither of you was eating either, he paused in his chewing.

“Oh! By the way, nice to meet you!” He greeted you with a wave of his hand, which you responded to with a slow nod.

Sukuna gestured to the food and began the meal. He and Gojo engaged in a brief exchange of news about the jujutsu world. Following the events in Shinjuku, all the curses had split into two groups. One group under Sukuna's protection, was spared from exorcism by the sorcerers as they were not considered a threat anymore. The other group, however, refused to accept the peace, believing it was a humiliating condition for their King. These curses became increasingly radical, making themselves targets for the sorcerers because of their violent actions towards humanity.

“Who knows, perhaps your son will be the one to unite them.” Satoru remarked, leaving you and Ryomen staring at him in confusion.

“Actually, I didn’t reveal the child’s gender to her. You as always can’t keep your mouth shut, Gojo.” Sukuna rolled his eyes and stared at you with an apologetic smile. “I apologize, my dear. Maybe I have deprived him of one eye, but the other is still functioning.”

“Oops! I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry, my lady!” Gojo covered his mouth with a hand.

“It’s alright. Never mind.” You smiled at Satoru and glanced down at your abdomen.

After the meal, Sukuna asked the servants to take you to his chambers. He remained with Gojo, his demeanor intense. An hour later he returned to you and reclined beside you on the bed, covering his eyes with a hand.

“Are you well?” You inquired softly.

“Mhm. I am just tired from Gojo's presence. He can be quite irritating. But still…” Sukuna hummed in response.

He shifted to the edge of the bed, rubbing his eyes.

“The higher-ups seek to take our child. Gojo came to warn me. While he may not be foolish enough to start another war, he is powerless against them.”

“I see.” You felt a deep sense of dread upon hearing this revelation. However, you did not want to reveal your fear to him. “I understand that you don’t need me to act rashly, so… if you suddenly need my help or at least my support, I’ll be there for you, ready to protect our son with my life...”

Ryomen glanced at you, noticing the determination shining in your gaze. He embraced you and placed a kiss on your forehead.

Sometimes, you and Sukuna spent nights apart from each other. There were no arguments or any other issues. You simply desired some space for yourself and also for your King. It was your seventh month, when you didn’t appear in his chambers for an entire week. He also refrained from pressuring you, but the absence of you and of the sound of child's heartbeat was excruciating. At midnight, he approached your chamber door and softly knocked. You opened and quickly brushed away the tears from your face.

“What happened?” Sukuna stopped your hand and looked at you impatiently.

“Nothing. Everything is fine.” Your voice trembled.

“Don’t lie to me, woman. I thought we trust each other.”

“We do, my Lord! We do!...”

“Then tell me, why you’re upset?”

You invited him into your chambers, and the two of you settled on the bed.

“A week ago, I had a nightmare. There were our son and jujutsu sorcerers. They…” You couldn’t continue, so Sukuna silenced you and wiped away your tears.

“Why didn’t you tell me?...” He asked softly.

“Because it was foolish. You told me you would handle it. And I didn’t want to bother you.”

“How stupid of you. Listen to me. We are together. You are carrying our child. Your problems are my responsibility. You shouldn’t have to struggle alone with these matters. Do you understand?”

You nodded at him and buried yourself in his embrace.

After breakfast on your eighth month, Sukuna led you somewhere with your eyes closed. Besides, you heard Uraume’s voice.

“Everything is ready, my Lord.” They said.

“What is it?” You asked with a soft smile, touching Ryomen’s hands over your eyes.

“You’ll see, my love.” He replied, kissing your shoulder and gently guiding you forward.

You heard a door open, and Sukuna finally removed his hands from your face. You were in a spacious room with midnight-black walls and a rug on the floor. To the left, there was a large crib with a canopy and above it hung a star-shaped mobile. Beneath the crib stood a basket filled with toys. There was also a baby dresser, a small couch and a changing table.

“It’s not perfect, but you can add something from yourself.” Sukuna said, surveying the room.

“No! It’s… amazing.” You said, tears welled up in your eyes as you looked around. “Did you do it all yourself?”

“Uraume assisted me.” He said, gesturing to his subordinate with a grateful nod.

“But it was the King’s idea.” They said with a smile, leaving the room.

Sukuna settled you on the couch and you gazed around in astonishment.

“I also wanted to ask for advice. Yesterday I visited Gojo, and he offered to teach our child when the first signs of his cursed technique appear, under our terms, but under his supervision.”

You took a deep breath and looked at Ryomen.

“And what do you think?” You asked softly, your hand on your abdomen.

“I don’t trust the higher-ups, but I believe Gojo. If he says there is no danger to our son under his protection… I suppose I can trust him.” He just shrugged his shoulders.

“If you agree, I agree too. Together, right?” You said, taking his hand in yours and smiling at him.

Sukuna leaned over and kissed your forehead.

In the ninth month, the entire estate was waiting for the imminent arrival of the King’s child. Sukuna's nerves were on edge, and he followed your every move with heightened attention.

“You don’t need to escort me everywhere, you know?” You teased him one day during a leisurely walk in the garden.

It was a cool sunny day, with the wind playing with your hair, so that you were constantly trying to brush it out of your face. Because of your skinny, your abdomen appeared larger than it actually was, and it felt heavy to you. Sukuna always offered his arm to support you while you walked. As the birth drew nearer, you began spending more time outdoors in the garden. The warm weather and the scent of the flowers that you had planted brought you immense joy. Your son seemed to enjoy these outings as well, for you could feel his kicks against your abdomen as you walked.

“But our child will soon be born, and I do not want you to be alone in that moment.”

“Look, our daddy is worried about us!” You told your abdomen.

“Of course I am worried! Who wouldn’t be?” Sukuna said offended.

Suddenly you bent over with a groan. Ryomen called out to Uraume and they materialized from thin air.

“Just kidding!” You exclaimed, raising your hands in self-defense, your face twisted in a guilty smile.

Sukuna rolled his eyes at you and clicked his tongue at you.

Later that day, the two of you shared a meal, discussing the name of your child.

“I like Katsuo*.” Ryomen suggested.

“And what about Ren*?” You asked with a grin.

Sukuna frowned and thought about the name.

“Nah, it’s too widespread. I suggest we wait until we see the child and then decide.”

You nodded in agreement, and the two of you continued enjoying your dinner. Afterwards, he escorted you to your room, promising to join you soon. You took a bath and were ready for bed, when you felt a sharp pain. Looking down, you saw water pooling around your feet.

“Oh no, no!” You cried out to Uraume with a broken voice.

They appeared immediately, staring at your leaking water in confusion.

“Please, call Sukuna!” You demanded.

“I can’t. The King left the estate and should return by midnight. I’ll fetch the midwives, they shall assist you.”

With Uraume’s departure, you attempted to reach for the bed. The agony subsided, and you began to breathe. As the two midwives entered the room, contractions returned. The women assisted you in a comfortable position, murmuring instructions into your ears. The pain intensified, and you felt warm tears trickling down your cheeks.

“I want Sukuna… Please, bring him here. I can’t do this without him!” You wailed, clutching the sheet in your fists.

Your vision blurred from the tears, and you saw Uraume disappearing again.

You didn’t realize how much time had passed when you felt Sukuna’s hand gently encircle yours.

“Hi, babe. I’m here with you, my love.” His soothing voice resonated.

“My Lord!...” You expressed your joy, but another pang elicited a groan from you.

You didn’t hear what he said to the midwives, but he leaned close to your ear and whispered softly, “I need you to breathe deeply and follow these women's instructions. Everything will be alright.”

You nodded at him and began to breathe in and out, holding his hands. When the next contraction came, you squeezed his hand so tightly that both of you heard snap of Sukuna’s finger.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry…” You looked scared, but Ryomen’s gaze remained calm and cool.

“It’s okay, my love.” He laughed at you and restored his broken finger.

When one of the midwives announced that she could see the head, you felt a brief moment of relief. But then the other woman urged you to push harder, and you threw your head back, your forehead uncomfortably sticky. Sukuna brushed your hair away from your forehead, gently caressing your shoulder and pressing kisses to your damp cheeks.

“It hurts! It hurts so much…” You felt as if every bone in your body were breaking.

“I know… But you are doing great!”

“Mhm…”

Time lost all meaning, but when you heard the child's cry, relief flooded through you. You saw the midwife hand Sukuna your son, and you smiled at both of them. Ryomen laid the child on your chest, settling beside you.

“This is our son. This is your mother.” The King said, presenting the child to you and bestowing a kiss upon your forehead.

“And here is your dad.” You cooed, feeling a hint of trepidation as you touched your child for the first time.

Your gaze fell upon the marks on his face, reminiscent of those on Sukuna’s. However, they vanished the moment you held him in your arms. Your son bore a striking resemblance to Ryomen.

“I guess, his name should be Taro*.” Sukuna suggested.

“Taro?” You questioned, receiving confirmation from him with a nod.

In that moment, everyone in the room sensed the need for privacy, leaving the three of you alone. You smiled at these two essential figures in your life, finally finding peace within yourself. ____________________________________________________

* Katsuo means victory and hero.

* Ren means lotus.

* Taro means great son.

[switchypanic]

Sentence Starter: "I didn't actually want you to stop…"

Content Warnings: One brief sex joke (because this is LUCIFER we are talking about) and tooth-rotting fluff between Lucifer and Lilith.

Word Count: 759 words.

"I didn't actually want you to stop..."

There were many things about Lucifer that Lilith enjoyed. His handsome features, his love of ducks, his tendency to dream big, his protective streak. However, one of her absolute favorite things about him was his smile. Whenever she saw it, it made her day ten times better, even in the dark underworld of Hell. As such, she made it her mission to make him smile as often as possible.

Now, this wasn't always easy. Being king came with a number of stressors, especially with the angels constantly breathing down his neck, and there were days were Lucifer came across as a man on the brink of losing it. However, over their many decades together, Lilith had found more than a few ways to put a smile back on her beloved's face.

The first was attention. Lucifer was, and always had been, an attention whore. The man ate up any love and affection his wife was willing to give, returning it tenfold.

The second was their daughter. No matter how bad of a day he was having, seeing that fanged smile on their little toddler's face always had Lucifer cracking up, cooing over how much she looked like her mother (Lilith couldn't see it; Charlotte was Lucifer's spitting image).

The third method, however, was her favorite, and what brought her to her current situation.

Lucifer had been having another hard week. He had a ton of meetings to attend with the other sins, another Extermination coming up, and Charlotte had been sick, making the poor man worry himself half to death. While their daughter was getting better, and Lucifer had managed to get all of his business wrapped up in a somewhat neat manner, he was still stress beyond belief. As such, Lilith had taken it upon herself to improve her husband's mood the best way she knew how.

However, what she HADN'T been expecting was the downright pitiful look her gave her when she had finally stopped, followed by that fateful sentence uttered just under his breath.

"N-Now darling, surely we can talk about this?" Lucifer stammered, a nervous grin nearly splitting his face in two. He had his hands raised in front of him, eyes locked onto hers warily. "I-I was just kidding! And I'm not sad anymore, see? I'm smiling!" He chuckled awkwardly; Lilith wasn't convinced in the slightest.

"For the devil himself, you're an awful liar." The demoness teased, delighting in the way her husband's cheeks turned a bright pink. She took a step closer, mouth curling into a playful smirk.

Lucifer took a step back, his shoulders already shaking with barely contained titters. "Lilith, my love! Light of my life! You don't gotta do this! There's other ways to cheer me up; ways that would be pleasurable for you, too?"

He was trying to seduce her, a tactic that would usually work. However, seeing him already starting to crumble before she had even laid a hand on him only made Lilith all the more eager to execute her plan.

"Nice try, sweetie, but I'm craving something else today, as you are already well aware." Lilith took another stride closer, beginning to close the gap between them. The king attempted to back away again, but his legs wouldn't move, knees feeling like jello. Oho, the way that woman could disarm him with a single word or glance! "Besides, we both know you MEANT what you said. You want to get wrecked that badly, hm? I'm more than happy to indulge you, you know."

The woman reached out, taking her husband by the arm and pulling him closer. She wrapped him in an embrace before turning him around, holding the shorter demon against her chest. "Oh my, you're a mess today, aren't you?" She crooned.

Lucifer squirmed against her, biting back a flustered whine as his heart hammered in his chest. "Lilith..." He mumbled softly. "Come on, don't tease me! You did enough of that earlier, didn't you?"

"There's no such thing as too much teasing." The woman chuckled, pressing a kiss to her husband's neck. "So, you'd rather I just go all out, hm?" Lilith asked, smirk growing as she heard his breath catch in his throat. "Well, if you insist..."

"Wait wait wait, that's not what I-" Lucifer was cut off by a startled squeal, feeling his wife's hands begin to squeeze at his sides firmly and quickly. He bit his lower lip, trying desperately to hold in his giggles. "Lilith, nohohohoho!"

And he failed pretty much immediately.

[ragnviindrz]

I like your writing so much. Can I request a yandere!Kaveh x f!reader but its somnophilia and when reader wakes up he doesn't stop and keep non-conning her? Sorry if its sounds hard to understand, English isn't my first language.

I understand if you're uncomfy to write!

did you sleep well? // kaveh x f! reader

info: ever since you moved in with your cousin alhaitham, kaveh's had his eyes on you... but you seem to be oblivious to his advances and he takes you whilst youre a sleep instead.

this content includes: NONCON, somnophilia (unconscious people dont want tea), unprotected sex, piv, creampie, dacryphilia, spanking ig, p*rn without plot, drugging, panty stealing, hes cooch drunk, overstim (both parties), multiple orgasms

note: ive been CRAVING for kaveh stuff now, ever since ive started trying to build him and baizhu. tumblr stop flagging my posts pls :(

tysm for requesting, im glad you like my writing and ur english is perfect dont worry! <3

two more works coming in soon, sorry for inactivity as i'm so busy.

Ever since you moved in with Alhaitham, being introduced as his cousin (with Kaveh being surprised because how can you be related to him?!?), he's always had his eyes on you.

He cannot help but jerk his dick whilst imagining it was your hand. You were just so pretty. He's even stolen some of your panties from the wash, using it to jerk his cock off and having to shove it deep in the bag to stop anyone from seeing the thick gooey liquid on it. Hell, he's even taken on the laundry much to Alhaitham's surprise.

Today, he insisted on making dinner - which the scribe wasn't too bothered on, as he just nodded and went back to his own thing.

Little did the two of you know, Kaveh had slipped something in your food - a drug that'll help you fall asleep so he can do whatever he wants.

That's how he's in this position right now, his face buried between your legs as he flicked his tongue on your clit. You were wet, and let out tired moans and whimpers. You've already came twice, but he hasn't stopped yet.

Unconsciously, your hips bucked to meet his face - more reason why he thinks you're enjoying it. His trousers were tight, his erection wanting to be free. God, he was so hard already. Letting out groans of satisfaction as he dived in your wet slit, he unzipped his pants finally allowing his hard cock be free.

He wrapped his hands around it, jerking it slowly as he ate you out. For the third time, you squirted all over his face. He thought the sight was absolutely stunning, his mouth and face dripping with your juices as he came on your sheets. He'd have to clean that up later.

Kaveh wiped his mouth, and kissed you deeply, shoving his tongue in your mouth as he aimed his erect cock against your wet folds and slid in. He let out groans in the kiss, as he came once again - this time deep inside your pussy.

This doesn't stop him, of course - as he slowly thrust in and out of your wet folds. It was easy, since he had prepped you before.

He pulled away from the passionate kiss, a string of saliva connecting the two of you before it snapped. His thrusts got faster, as you start to stir - though he hasn't noticed yet.

Slowly, you opened your eyes - feeling filled up and extremely sore. Your pussy unexpectedly clenched around his cock, squirting once again. Looking up, you saw your cousin's roomate - seemingly deranged and absoloutely out of it.

"Kaveh.. What are y— Ah!~" Your sentence was abruptly stopped as he thrust inside, hitting a sweet spot.

"Shh... F*ck. That dose wasn't enough to knock you out. Whatever. This is better when you're awake anyways." He grabbed onto your arm, holding it against the bed as he practically pounded into you like a madman.

"Kaveh.. Stop~!" You groaned out when he hit that sweet spot inside you. He seemed to take notice of it, and continued his never ending pouding. Some of his cum, from the previous load has been bulldozed out of your tight pussy.

"You feel so good.. I can't... Please cum with me.." He whispers in your ears, placing a wet kiss on your cheek. He kept hitting that spot, making your eyes roll back. His thrusts, although sloppier - still made you feel good. He removed one of his hand from holding your arm, and started to rub your clit in a circle.

Clenching around his cock even more, making him almost unable to pull out as he let out gasps. He watches your tears, biting his lips and his thrust got even more sloppier.

After three more consecutive pounding, you two came together. Clenching hard against his hard dick, he finished inside you again. He teared up from the overstimulation, but he kept himself buried inside your wet pussy.

He hoped that his seed would take...

[flaming-heart]

sub!binchan x dom!reader

warnings: mxm, dom/sub dynamics, slight dumbification (lmk if i missed something)

wordcount: ~1.3k

You came home late today. You're boss has been keeping you in the office for meetings and more paper work, so once you came through the door you were so happy to see your two boyfriends on the couch, watching a movie.

"I'm home.", you announced with a smile. They both turned to you and smiled back at you, Chan getting up and pressing a quick kiss to your lips. "We already ate dinner, but we left you some in the fridge in case you would be hungry.", is all he said before returning to the livingroom. "I'm okay right now, thanks baby."

So you just joined them on the couch, sitting down in between them. You watched for about half an hour when you started to feel Changbin pressing further and further into your body. Then he started slightly rutting his hips against your thigh, making you look at him.

"What's going on, bunny?", you asked him, acting innocent even though you could tell from the look in his eyes that he was horny. "I'm needy. I want your thigh." You smiled at him, but didn't make any further moves to accomodate him.

"And what about you, honey? Are you also as desperate as our Binnie?", you asked Chan. He only nodded at you, which indicated that he was already slipping into sub space just from seeing Changbin grind against you. "Why don't I help you two to get what you're craving, hm?"

You looked at both of them, then started to undress Changbin. You gave him a quick peck and tapped your thigh, signaling him to sit. Then you did the same for Chan until you had one of them on each thigh. Changbin started going fast from the get go, whimpering and moaning loudly. Chan on the other hand went slow at first, only hearing heavy breaths and a few whines from him. You leaned forward and attached your lips to his, pressing with force and making him open his mouth. That did the trick, as he grinded faster in your thigh, increasing the volume of his moans.

"Are you close, bunny? You need an extra push?", you asked him gently and took his dick in your hand. It only took a fee strockes from you to make him cum and release everything onto his own stomach.

As Chan heard Changbin come with a cry, he fisted his dick as well. "I'm so close. So close.", he whimpered, not slowing down his movements on your thigh. "Come for me sweetheart.", is all you said to him before he released his cum on your hoodie.

"'m so sorry I made a mess.", is the first thing he said after coming down from his high. Changbin had already gone into the bedroom as you had instructed him. "Wait for us there yeah?", is what you had said to him.

"It's okay, Channie, don't worry about it." You placed another quick peck to his lips and one to his jaw before making him stand up. "Now go into the bedroom, Binnie is already waiting for you."

When you came into the bedroom after quickly discarding your now dirty hoodie, you saw Chan and Changbin making out heavily. You got closer to them and tapped them both on their thighs to signal your presence. They both turned to you with big eyes, eager to do whatever you told them to.

"Why don't you start prepping our Channie, hm?", you asked Changbin, who was more than eager to comply. "You should probably use your fingers, bunny. Can you do that for me?" You looked at him in a loving way and gave him a small push towards Chan. He was already laying on the bed in front of you, his tip leaking. "Now you will be a good boy Channie, right? You let him do his job and stretch you out." He could just nod hastily. Changbin was now taking Chan's length in his hand to get some of that precum on his fingers. Then he slowly went ahead and pushed one finger in Chan's hole. The older let out a load moan followed by whimpers that just increased in volume the faster Changbin was going. "Look at my two good boys. You're doing so good Channie."

While Changbin kept a steady pace with now two fingers inside of Chan's hole, you had completely undressed yourself and were just watching your two boys. They were always so obedient and eager to do whatever you told them to. "I-...close", came a muffled sound from Chan. "Please stop bunny, I don't want him to come already.", you smiled first at Changbin, who slowly retreated from Chan's figure. Then you smiled at Chan who already looked so fucked out. "We have all night right, baby?", you said while caressing his arm with a light touch of your fingers.

"Do you think our Binnie prepared you enough?" "Yes, please. Please, i need him inside, please." You felt generous that night and he was looking at you with his dough eyes so how could you possibly deny him. "It's okay Channie I will give you what you want. Bunny can you please sit up on the headrest for me?" Changbin of course followed your instructions and sat up on the bed. "Now go and ride his dick Channie. I know you want to." So Chan goes over to Changbin to lower himself on his lap, slowly letting the youngers length glide inside of him. Once he had adjusted, he started to bob up and down on Changbins lap. "You're doing so good Channie. You're taking bunny in all the way, yeah? Make him fill you up just how you like it." You couldn't help yourself but praise them, knowing what effect it had on them. While Changbin was fucking into Chan, you were also desperate for some release, so you quickly opened your bedside drawer and retrieved your favorite vibrator. You were quick to turn it on and push it all the way in. You've always been the loud type so of course your moans and pants don't go unnoticed by your two boyfriends. The sight of you fucking yourself with a toy and making these sinful noises pushed Chan over the edge. When you looked at your boys again you could see Chan leaning on Changbin, fucked out and exhausted, but the younger kept his fast thrusts going. You crawled over to them and sat next to Changbin. "I'm so close. F-feels so so good.", is all he could say. "Tell me how good, bunny." "Ngh- so good. So tight.", he kept repeating, slowly loosing himself and filling Chans hole with his cum, whos dick is already leaking again. You felt yourself getting close, but you wanted to feel their tongues on you so that's exactly what you asked of them.

"Be a good boy and make me cum. Please." You didn't address anyone in particular, but they knew you well enough to know what you wanted. Chan quickly attached his lips to your dripping cunt, licking up and down your folds. Changbin took one of your breasts in his mouth, sucking and kissing them. You could feel the orgasm approaching so you swiftly moved your thumb over your clit a few times, until you came all over Chan's tongue with a shudder. You let yourself fall back onto the covers, smiling up at your boyfriends.

"Come here, you did so well.", you told them both and opening up your arms to signal them to cuddle up with you.

Once you were all situated comfortably, you snuggled closer into Chan's chest while Changbin had his arm around your waist. You pressed a soft peck om Chan's side and intertwined your fingers with Changbin's, slowly drifting off to sleep.

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in - August 12th, 2023 🎀

My updates have been a little spread out, but I am happy to announce that I will be (hopefully) posting updates more regularly with my university classes starting for the fall semester and now that I'm also back at my original job! It definitely gave me a reason to stick to my routine so I have a good feeling about all of this!

With the new semester starting comes new goals, which I will be making a separate post about! It's going to somewhat detail my personal, academic, and social goals for the fall semester. So stay tuned for that!

I also began intermittent fasting recently as I have read that it helps with PCOS (which I do have, along with hypothyroidism). My goal is to become healthier physically and mentally, and I believe that doing this will only improve my quality of life! I currently am doing 16:8, and I love it because it works with my schedule and eating habits I usually already have!

🩷 What I Ate Today:

Brunch - One piece of brioche style white bread with two slices of cheddar cheese and a spoonful of scrambled eggs and a side of diced potatoes with ketchup.

Dinner - Taco Bell <3 A nacho bell grande and a crunchwrap Supreme with lots of Diablo sauce

Snacks - 2 cups of coffee with one sweet n low each and French vanilla creamer, and one mocha cold brew shake from the coffee shop on my university campus.

I decided to treat myself to Taco Bell tonight since I was craving it and had the money to do so. I actually ordered more than I ended up eating, so I gave the rest to my roommate.

🩷 Workout - Upper Body Pilates-ish

I loved this so much the first time I did it that I wanted to include it again! ait gives such a nice burn and feel after completing it and I honestly wish it was longer, it's that good!

I wanted to try this one because I think fixing posture is helpful, and honestly, those 90 shoulders are really aesthetic. I don't think this is going to give me *drastic* results until I lose some weight and lean out a bit, but I think helping to fix my posture is such a good idea to help with back pain and avoiding text neck! I liked this one, but there were a couple of stretches that were a bit hard to complete, given my current weight. But I'll keep doing this til I get it!

🩷 Habits I Accomplished Today -

Made my bed

Morning and Night Skincare

Morning Guided Journal

Daily Journal

Reas 1 Chapter of a book

Morning Workout

Stretching

Today was definitely a good day, especially since I completed most of those before going to work at 715am! I'm super proud of myself, and I hope to keep my progress going and continue bettering myself!

🩷 Song of the Day: Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift

This song is soo good. I've never been a Swiftie but I've started getting into a couple of her songs, I like how soft they sound.

🩷 Current Read - Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller

This book has been in my shelf for a few months and since I've recently gone long distance with my boyfriend, I figured it would be a good idea to educate myself on attachment styles and ways to healthily navigate relationships. I'm two chapters in and I already love it!

That's all for the day! I'll update you guys again tomorrow! Thank you for all the love <3

Til tomorrow, my lovelies 🩷

[killmongerskeeper]

Hi can I have riri with Smut #1 and Smut #6. 

Smut #1: “Don’t be a brat.”

Smut #6: “I haven’t even touched you yet.”

You heard the knock on your door and marked your place in the book you were reading, getting ready to complain to whoever it was that they stopped a good read. You pulled the door open to see your girlfriend Riri standing there with her bag over her shoulder. 

"Babe what are you doing here?" You smiled immediately reaching out for her. You pulled her in the room, clicking the lock before turning with a grin. She's the only person you'd let interrupt a good book. She grabbed your waist before kissing your lips softly. You smiled into the kiss before pulling away. 

"What are you doing here? I thought you had Micro today?" You questioned as she put her stuff down. 

"Like I need to attend." She spoke in a cocky attitude and you laughed. "Okay. So what's up?"

"Just came to see you is all. Haven't seen you in awhile." She grinned holding your waist. 

"You saw me last week." You retorted with a smirk. "Too long ago." Her lips found yours in an instant and you wrapped your arms around her shoulders. Her hands rested on your ass before you jumped on the bed. She wasted no time following you watching intensively as you shed your clothes, leaving you in nothing but your bra and panties. She was right. The last time you two had sex was a week ago. Now you longed for her to touch where you craved the most and you were content that she seemed you out for just that. The noticeable spot in your panties was enough to fuel her already large ego. 

"I haven't even touched you yet. Yet you're so wet right now." Her fingers delicately slid past the hem of your underwear. The place you desperately needed her to be. Be it with her fingers or her mouth you don't care. As long as she makes you feel good. Her thumb rubbed along your slit as she watched your face contort. She did nothing more than that and you let out an impatient whine. "Come on ma. You know I like to hear you."

You rolled your eyes playfully and she squeezed down on your clit. "Don't be a brat. I can leave and my vibrator can finish the job for me." You grabbed her wrist and shook your head.

"No. Touch me Riri." She smirked at you before her thumb pushed into you. You leaned your head back as you held onto the belt loop of her jeans. She brought her lips to your stomach and left lingering kisses along your skin. You felt her pull your panties down your legs before spreading you out like her last meal. You went to call her name but a long moan was as you could manage as her tongue flicked your clit to taste you. Your hand went to the back of her head as she held your thighs apart. You felt the coil tighten as she ate you out and you earned nothing more but to cum. She felt the way your walls clenched around her finger before she completely pulled away. You whined at the loss of pleasure and she slapped your thigh.

"Don't be a brat. We're not done." She quickly got undressed before moving to straddle your leg, letting her own pussy rub against yours. With your combined wetness, she ground her pussy into you and watched as you gripped the sheets. She lifted your leg so it was over her shoulder by the calf before kissing your ankle. You moaned out as her clit rubbed against your own leaving you panting and sweating. Fuck did it feel good. 

"Ugh fuck." You gripped her thigh as you felt yourself about to come undone under her. She threw her head back as she tensed, her own release drawing closer. She grinded against you in an unforgiving pace before leaning down to kiss you. "Cum with me." As if on command you tensed as your orgasm washed over you. She followed immediately after and moved her hips to coax you both through your high. She moved off of you before falling on top of you. You both laid there to catch your breath as she left small kisses on your chest. "You good?"

"More than good. I'm fucking golden." You laughed as you pulled the sheets over your bare bodies.

[komaedailoveyou]

Florist!Nagito x reader , Like a flower craves for the light of the sun

#. — an unfinished fanfic so far, more chapters tba in the future!

#. contents! — f!reader , slight komahina, slight chiakixreader, angst with a happy ending, alternate universe, no deaths or violence, depictions of BPD, smut, but, a LOT further into the fic, slowburn, nagito is a florist, reader is socially inept.

#. word count! — 3.7k .

#. > . . .<

" Again, I'm terribly sorry for just-"

" Don't worry Peko...t's fine. "

You cut your assistant worker off as she started to apologise, you knew that it wasn't here fault that you hadn't been given the correct itinerary of fabrics needed, and you could have checked a little more thoroughly, being honest, but a part of you just wanted to get on with the work.

Peko was standing near your desk, where you were sat, a lamp next to you as you fiddled with your sewing machine, you had fabric draped over your furnishings, the floor, everywhere you can name it, because you knew you'd pick it all up, so the little mess was just convenient for the now. She wove a hand through one of her braids, twirling them around as she watched you work. " I can try to get you a later deadline, if that would be better? " she suggested to you, which you immediately shook your head to, the hum of the machine made her jump a little, as you hadn't warned her you were about to start, she was cute, you'd thought, you were lucky you'd been given such a nice assistant, even though you had insisted that you did not need, nor want one.

" Nah, I'll be fine Peko, seriously. " Your voice had quietened as you were now beginning to get focused, your hands carefully guiding the dress. " You should go home, I'm sure your boyfriend misses you. " You said with a hint of teasing in your tone.

Peko sighed, " You'll be staying up through morning, no? I'll stay to make sure you don't end up collapsing. " She replied seriously, she knew you wouldn't just decide to take a break on something so important to you, so, she had already planned to stay, she had called Fuyuhiko before this to let him know of your new arrangements, which, she had decided, but knew you wouldn't argue against them.

" Fine, Fine, but if you get bored, you can always leave. " You had wanted to thank Peko, but the words " Thank you " just didn't end up coming from your lips, you really were awkward at this, you weren't sure why you had even been given the ability to speak, since you couldn't even convey your thoughts properly. You hoped that she knew you were grateful, but, it was rare for her cover to slip too, although, maybe that's why the two of you got along so well.

Peko just nodded in reply, before wandering off into your kitchen, she knew you hadn't ate anything yet, and she didn't want you to end up dying of starvation, so she decided whilst you worked she was going to cook you something, so you would take at least a minimal break before sewing your fingers together. She rummaged around in your kitchen, and settled on making you linguini. You had quite a lot of pasta in, as in your words " It's quick and easy, why wouldn't I have so much of it? " It's not that she disagreed, she just wished you would eat more than just pasta, and the occasional snack.

She set a pan up on the stove, and turned the oven on, she looked back at you, you were completely focused on your work, yet, your eyes were clouded over with something that Peko couldn't quite figure out, maybe something good had happened to you today? She hoped so, you deserved more nice things than the mediocrity you normally received. She filled the pan with pasta, and sprinkled a bit of salt into it, She was making enough for the both of you, because she didn't want you to start nagging at her to eat as well, she knew you'd feel odd if she just sat and watched you do so.

She would often cook for you, and you never seemed to argue, she had came to her own conclusion that you weren't very well versed when it came to cooking, she would offer to teach you, but a part of her wasn't sure if the two of you were actually friends, or if you only let her do this because it was a work relationship, and if that were all. Peko had thought you disliked her at first, saying she really didn't need to help you, and things along those lines, she wasn't sure if just the thought of her existence was a bother to her, which, she hadn't minded, the opinions of others never really plagued her, she knew who she was, but, if she was going to work for you, a selfish part of her wanted for you to like her, even just a little bit.

She finished preparing the food, and she watched you a little longer, also leaving it time to cool down, and for her to get you forks to eat with, she knew you didn't like it when your food was too hurt, as you frequently burnt your tongue, it was quite unlucky, she thought, but she knew you didn't like to be told such things, so she'd keep them to herself.

When you'd gotten to a point where you turned off the machine to change where you were sewing, Peko coughed, walking over to your couch. " I made us a meal, do join me, please. "

You placed the dress down, before standing up from your desk, and you walked over to where Peko was, sitting down next to her, it was a little cosy, but you hadn't ever had people over, so you didn't think you needed a bigger one, so there you and your assistant were, sitting weirdly close to each other, as she handed you your plate. You begun to eat without a word, damn, Peko was still as good at cooking as ever, you were so lucky to have somebody so good at just...everything by your side, the you who was only just good at one thing in this life. You had been getting pretty hungry too, so you were lucky she had decided to cook, as you definitely weren't going to that night, or, well that morning. It was just gone 12, and you were pumped with so much adrenaline to do your work that you couldn't even spare a thought to think about sleeping.

You glanced over to her, she was eating her share too, and you couldn't help but notice she'd given you more than herself. She was always very kind, you'd thought to yourself, you weren't quite sure which god you had appeased to in your past life to be deserving of such a person.

She glanced back at you, with a soft smile.

" I appreciate you...cooking this for me, " you mumbled, looking at her face, but not directly making eye contact, that was too much for you. " and for staying up with me, you're a good assistant, Peko. " you continued to eat after you let a crack of honesty slip through, you weren't a very fast eater, because you felt sick too easily if you ate too much in a short period of time, so you just sat there listening to the lack of noise around you, after-all, everybody living around you was probably asleep by now, you were just weird.

You chuckled to yourself, and Peko tilted her head, not sure what you were reacting too, but she didn't ask.

" Of course, It is my job, Afterall. "

" I don't think your job contracts you to stay in my home all night and cook for me, does it? " You'd said that as a joke, before quickly realising that you could have sounded rude, so, you stumbled over your words. " but--! It can just be a verbal contract between us, then. "

Peko smiled at you, she knew you hadn't any ill intent the first time, but, she couldn't deny it was a little funny to watch you cover it up. " That sounds good to me. " she replied, her tone being more warm than motherly right now and your conversation came to a natural end, and the two of you sat and ate in silence now, a little closer together than before.

You finished, and waited until Peko's plate was empty, before you took it from her hands, wordlessly walking over to your sink, and placing them on the side next to it, before you began to fill it with water, you then moved to get the other kitchen utensils Peko had used , and put them near the plates too. You grabbed the washing up liquid, and squirted it inside of the water in the sink, and waited for it to create bubbles.

Peko was a little surprised at your sudden movement, and she followed quickly behind you. " I have all morning Peko, I can spare ten minutes or so to clean up the dishes. " You tried your best to give her a reason to let you do it, as she seemed adamant on doing tasks in your house, you were worried she thought of you as some child she had to babysit instead of an adult, well, that did explain why she was insistent on staying with you, it's not like you were strict and told her not to do anything, even if you tried, you weren't completely sure if she would listen to you.

" I made the mess, though. " She argued with you, she already had a cloth in hand, stupid Peko and her stupid shoes that always let her be one step ahead of you... You thought to yourself, you bit the inside of your cheek, and walked over to grab a towel. " Fine...I'll dry." was your reply to her, and as a response she start to wash the dishes, with you at her side, it was often the two of you would just be doing your household chores together instead of you actually being able to focus on your work, however, you were certain if not for Peko, you would live an extremely lonely life, so, even if this was all you managed to do, you weren't complaining about that fact.

She handed you the dishes after she'd washed them, and you carefully dried them off with your towel, before putting them back in the cupboard which they had came from originally, and with her cleaning skills, you were done relatively quickly, yet it felt like you hadn't worked in hours. Spending time with your assistant, sure could be fun.

You yawned a little, and Peko noted that soon she should make you some coffee, to help keep you awake, since it was your decision to be up, she couldn't change your mind, yet she could aid you at least. " Time to get back to work, " You returned back to your desk after the kitchen was all nice and clean now, Peko was emptying the remaining water from the sink. You were pretty sure you could finish at least a half of your work tonight, now that you were all invigorated.

" We've got a long morning ahead of us, feel free to go to sleep if you get tired, Peko. " you hummed, before you got started on the dress again, Peko nodded in response, although, she was pretty sure she wouldn't be going to sleep, she had stayed up many nights at your side already, never from you asking, it would always just be on her own decision.

and with that, you returned to completely, well almost, focused. Then, Peko remembered, she had completely forgot to ask what it was earlier that you were thinking about, it was too late now, she guessed she would never know.

It was around 7AM when you'd finally clocked it, you had only taken one other break the entire morning, which was to go to the bathroom, and that was only quick. It always shocked Peko how you could just sit and work for so many hours straight, she really admired that about you.

You had already turned the sewing machine off, as you could tell you were close to passing out, yet you hadn't managed to make it to your bed, instead, you were uncomfortably slumped over your desk. Peko sighed, walking over to you, and with ease, she managed to pick you up, she frequented the gym, so she was very strong, but, you were never awake to know that she would often carry you, she wasn't sure what type of reaction you'd end up having to her.

She carefully carried you over to your bedroom, and when she got there, she temporarily held you with old hand so she could pull the duvet up, and then she placed you down onto your mattress, then pulling the duvet back up, she was just making sure you wouldn't be too cold. You stirred a little in your sleep, but she knew you wouldn't wake up soon, as you'd only just gone to sleep.

She moved a stray strand of hair out of your face, and she moved to leave, walking to your bedroom door. " Sleep tight. " she whispered, before shutting it behind her. She had a key to where you lived, so, when left left through the living room, she locked the door behind her, she couldn't wait to finally go home, and rest herself, but it was worth it to stay up with you, even if you didn't say it, she knew that you needed somebody there with you.

She walked down the hallway, and up to the elevator, where she would normally leave from, yet, when she got there, there was a big " OUT OF ORDER " Sign on the front of it, which she looked at, quizzically, in the three years which she'd been coming over, the elevator had never even broken one time, this was strange.

Peko never normally saw anybody when she was leaving your apartment, so naturally, she jumped when she heard a voice coming from behind her. " Ah, you have to take the stairs, it broke yesterday. " she turned around, and saw a man, taller than her, with white hair, she had never seen him before, she was sure of it. She just nodded, and started to walk down the stairs next to the elevator, and she heard footsteps behind her, so, she presumed whoever that guy was also needed to come downstairs.

" It broke the day I moved her, I must be awfully unlucky, right? " He laughed to himself as he walked down a few steps behind her, well, he seemed friendly enough for Peko to reply, with.

" I guess this floor is full of unlucky souls, then " She said fondly, thinking about you.

" What are you talking about? " He asked her, confused, that's how Peko knew for sure he was new there, if he hadn't met the hermit herself. " Ah, it doesn't matter. ", was all she could reply, she knew you wouldn't be happy if she went around making friends for you.

It had been a while since Nagito had taken the train, normally, He'd just be driven where he wanted to go, but he didn't know how to drive himself, so he didn't really have a choice.

He walked to the station as fast as he could, it was colder in the mornings, so he didn't like to be out in them, so he'd rather be inside, his hair was blowing softly in the wind, he had to keep moving it, out of his face, it was times like these that made him consider cutting it off, however, he liked it just a bit too much to do that, and his friends told him, it was one of his " charm points " , he didn't see it, but, he guessed he thought his hair at least did look nice.

Whenever he needed to cross the road, the lights would turn from green to red, so he would have to stop and press one of the buttons on the traffic lights, he didn't mind waiting too much, since he knew he wasn't going to somehow miss the train, since he had made sure he would be early.

He was a little confused how quiet it was here at this time, back where he used to live, there would most definitely be traffic, but, that's the joy of small towns, he supposed, he was worried about something, though. He was worried he stood out, living there, as if he was too different, the stranger he'd ran into yesterday, she seemed to stare at him, and Nagito hadn't been sure what to make of it, did he look weird? Should he have not moved here to begin with, was it really that bad of an idea?

He didn't want to even be acknowledged when he was outside in public, so maybe he should make an effort to not stand out.

He laughed to himself about how pathetic he sounded, and cleared his head of those thoughts, he grabbed his earphones from his pocket, and plugged them into his phone, before deciding to play music the rest of the way, he would rather be listening to somebody else than be forced to listen to the voice inside of his head, Nagito heard it all the time, he deserved a break from it, he thought.

It was almost empty when he'd reached the train station, there were a few scattered around, but that was it, He looked up, and saw he had ten minutes to wait before it got here, at least he was lucky enough for it to not be rescheduled without warning, he would definitely be able to go and open his shop in time, that was good. He smiled to himself, he just listened to his tunes and waited until the train arrived, he sat in the third carriage, and he was on there for around twenty minutes, before hopping off.

Nagito hadn't actually been from the train station to his shop, but, he was certain that it wouldn't be too much of a difficult task for him to carry out, he would definitely be able to find his way.

Or, he thought so, until he ended up being fifteen minutes late as he'd made a wrong turn walking there.

He had sped up his pace as he had been walking, so, now he was a little out of breath, being a florist and all didn't require for him to really exercise too much, he just didn't see how it could help, unless the flowers all ended up becoming sentient and declared war against the human race, Nagito never ruled that possibility out, however, he would probably not be the person to fight them, he may even decide to join them, if that were the case.

He was thinking about that as he hastily unlocked the door to his shop, flicking the ceiling lamps on, and adjusting the room temperature as he walked inside, the smell of flowers hit his nose as he did, he was rather fond of it.

He flipped the sign on the front of the door, so that it read " Open" , and he tied his hair up into another ponytail, so that it didn't get in his face when he was working, he supposed when he did, he sort of looked like the typical guy to be working in a florist shop, he couldn't even remember what sparked his interests in flowers, maybe it was the garden which grandma had? Or maybe it was the garden at school where he would always sit alone at, he just knew that for all of his life, flowers had been there for him, and even though there were so many, he thought each and every one was a spectacle, he hoped that the rest of the world felt the same as him.

He wouldn't expect so many customers at an early time of the day, he just liked to be there, just in-case, you never know when a flower related emergency will happen, like somebody needs to desperately apologise to a lover, or a friend, or if flowers for a venue such as a wedding, or a funeral have been ruined last minute, and they're in need of a replacement, if Nagito couldn't even be there in times like that, he thought he would be a very lousy shop owner, he'd even go as far to say worthless.

He loved to research the meanings behind flowers, he had dedicated so much of his life to that craft, he had to feel like he as good enough at something, anything to feel like he was needed in this world, and so he read, and read, and read, until he had memorised as many flowers as he could, at least half of the thoughts he ever had would end up being anything floral. He felt as if that was a little strange sometimes, but, it wasn't that huge of a deal, not really.

He walked around his shop, re-arranging and taking apart displays of flowers, making sure his carefully crafted bouquets still looked as good as new was a major priority for him, he couldn't allow for anything to be less than perfect in there, or he'd have to close the shop down as a whole. He was adding to some peonys, when the phone rang, he rushed over, with a " Hello, How may I help you? "

His shift was beginning earlier than he had thought it would today, maybe, that was a good thing.

Nagito worked alone, which, he somewhat liked, it meant that he could display everything as he wanted to, and that he could open and close at times he chose, but, it made the whole aspect of working, a lot more stressful, everything was on him. He had to talk to every customer, convince them what to buy, he had to be expert, and, as much as he was awkward in the social aspect, he wanted to change that, if it were possible. Maybe he could start looking for somebody to work with him, but, he wasn't sure if anyone would even be interesting, it's not as if there aren't funner jobs out there, Nagito, just liked his little flower shop.

He'd have to think it over, f he wanted to start looking or not, that was a big decision, and it being up to him, honestly was stressing him out.

After a long day, it reached 5PM, meaning, he could start closing the shop down.

In the end, Nagito had decided to pick up some Hibiscus flowers, to put in his apartment.

[someoneinjersey]

11, 19, 21, 26 for the no good very bad horrible questions :^^))

(Just wanna hear you talk about ur pets lololol)

hellllllyeahbaby!

11: Do you like someone? Not any real actual person I've met lol. I don't encounter a lot of people and also I'm very picky and I've fallen into the trap of just thirsting after unattainable people because it's "safe". But like ... it also breaks my heart? But I also like ... use that as a form of self harm I think? LOL IM FUCKED UP. I do have a super handsome mutual that I'm always like haaaaay when he posts a selfie but yanno.

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes. Absolutely yes even though everyone's like no don't do it you wouldn't be who you are today without those mistakes blah blah blah but absolutely 100% yes. I would be more outgoing, wouldn't give a shit, I'd spend more quality time with my grandparents, I'd see if maybe I could get my dad to chill or maybe not idk, I'd spend more time with my friend Lauran who passed when I was 12 and I'd call her back even though I didn't like talking on the phone. I'd ask Scott out on a date, very definitely flirt more with him in high school and if I couldn't go back that far I'd go back to the last time I saw him when he hugged me outside Wawa and I'd hold onto him so tightly, memorize his strength and his smell and his warmth on that cold morning before the sun came up and I'd make plans with him even if he was still going to die 8 months later.

That made me sad lmao but it's all true and from my Grinch heart.

21: What are your plans for this weekend? Tomorrow there will be panic cleaning and panic gift wrapping because Kate's aunt and uncle want to come over for a tiny pre-Christmas Christmas because Kate has to work on Actual Christmas so we'll do some gifts and we have to send our gifts for Kate's brother and sister in law and niece and nephew with said aunt and uncle for Actual Christmas. And the house is a nightmare cuz I can't keep up with housework and also FOUR PETS MAKE A LOTTA STUFF HAPPEN. Then Sunday I'll be probably just like ... hanging out and wrapping Kate's presents that I didn't already give her oops and likely playing Stardew Valley a bit and making some nonsense for dinner lol

26: What are you craving right now? I was craving a non-specific night night snack cuz it's 3 am and i can't go to sleep with a rumbly tumbly but we don't really have snacky things rn? So I ate two microwaved hot dogs YAY HEALTH. I do crave motivation and discipline and the doing of something creative too, does that count?

Also none of these are about pets LOL

[alintheshitposter]

I was tagged by @bruisesandbitemarks Thank you so much!💚

Share your wallpaper: guess what/who it stands for🥴

Last song you listened to: currently listening to this

Currently reading: a loooot of Hörk Fanfiction🥴 And for books....well I've started reading Tödliche Törtchen weeks ago but I'm making veeeery slow progress🥴

Last movie you watched: Nachthelle (because Vladimir Burlakov is in it 🥴) and I liked it! It was very good!

Craving: nothing food-wise. But otherwise I can't wait to be with my sister again. She's gonna be here tomorrow🤩 I've missed her.

What are you wearing right now: black/grey-ish jeans and a yellow t-shirt with a cool print but you can't see it because I'm also wearing a blue hoodie. Aaaand there's turkeys on my socks today.

How tall are you: 1,69m😏

Piercings: just the two standard earlobe ones. Like....one on each side.

Tattoos: the eye of a wolf or a cat or an owl (I haven't decided on an animal and people think it's weird....I just like the design ok?) It's surrounded by parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme (like the plants...; you get one of my Toffifees if you tell me what song they're from) and it's on my forearm. And I love it and I will add even more plants to it c:

Glasses? Contacts? Both. But mostly glasses. My eyes are really reeeaaalllyyy bad and I won't spend more than 400€ on a pair of glasses and then not wear them🥴

Last drink: Apfelschorle, my beloved💕

Last thing I ate: Quesadillas with Avocado + Tortilla Chips. And Toffifee with white chocolate for dessert🥴

Last show: Oh....well...do audio shows/Podcasts count? I've recently started listening to the Spatort Audiopsie and it's amazing!

Favourite colour: Dark shades of all colours! Especially green and yellow!💚💛

Current obsession: Die drei Fragezeichen and Spatort🥴🥴 (also Eurovision)

Unrelated obsession: Uhh...I'm obsessed with this 🥴 emoji...as you might've noticed already. I love it and I use it all the time🥴

Any pets: A cat but she lives in Germany with my parents. I miss her a lot😢

Do you have a crush on anyone: eh....idk? It's complicated 🥴

Favourite fictional characters: god.....soooo many😵‍💫 I think it would be easier to tell you the ones I don't like🥴

The last place you travelled: Uhh...Paris I guess? But it was only for a day and I there quite often so idk if it counts. Otherwise it would be Tübingen I think. And next up is gonna be Nantes☀️

Thanks again for the tag! My no pressure tags are: @maxwellshimbo @versti-fantur @crazy-walls and @daughterofhecata c:

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

Wow, I barely remember writing that last post. I started to rehash my sleep pattern from the past day but nope, already blogged about that.

So it's been 8 years since the last time he won, and the day after the 2016 election was my first day back in therapy: I wore all black, and continued to see him until the pandemic made therapy virtual and that just straight up sucked, so he and I agreed to stop and I eventually moved. I still wonder if he's alive, and often think about reaching out. I'm wearing all black again today; in so many ways, I feel like a completely different person, but I wonder if I've made eight years' worth of progress. Would he be proud of me?

I have indeed been up since 0130, I took 5 around 7a and immediately logged into work, then I took another 5 after my IT call wrapped up at 1030. I had a full french press of coffee, 2tsp of matcha, two rounds of ACV tea, a mug of black tea, and plenty of water. My stomach has growled but in the satisfying way, not the craving way. I continue to read articles on protein and nutrition to support muscle growth, fat loss, etc. and I feel good that I'm on a sustainable track. I've been doing strength exercises throughout the day when I need a break but don't want to waste the Addy getting sucked into my phone; I'm slowly increasing all my maxes and yet I don't feel like I'm pushing myself to injury or even soreness. It's all good.

I wish I could do the Addy all the time - I've been incredibly productive at work, even though my anxiety and avoidance with a coworker and a few projects has tried to tug my attention away from work. I'm putting my phone on airplane mode and working for 20m to an hour at a time. I'm knocking things off my to-do list and sticking to my calendared tasks more than usual. I easily think I can make it to my 16h mark even though I ate late last night. I have until 1700 to work, and then a 2h call with Wilson and then bed - hopefully I crash so I can keep my early morning schedule.. just not 1a.

I feel how fast I'm typing, how fast I'm thinking. I've kept a notebook next to me today so I can jot down my thoughts when I have them instead of going to my phone to do whatever, or staying vigilant trying to remember the thought and creating a split-attention situation for myself. I've had a candle burning all day that smells nice. Some of it might be hypomania, I'm sure a lot of it is the Addy, and I really like it. I just wanted to record here all the interventions and results I'm experiencing today, to see if I can replicate it clean. It's also taking the edge off the booze cravings I've been having - wanting to be loose and fast and easy.

Oh God finishing the tandem read of TOG was so good this morning. I did really like that. I'm grateful for this season of life where I'm not over-scheduling myself, so that I can fully sink into my own ecosystem in my apartment. I don't think this level of control is sustainable, and I have noticed myself feeling anxious and even a smidge agoraphobic when I'm out in the world I can't control my energy or intake, but this time to experiment and fuck around and go full tilt seems like an incredibly valuable phase of growth for me that I've been craving for a long time. I'm glad a scheduled a cleaning day with ICD on Friday and I have my normal chores on Sunday+a walk with MUC, but otherwise my evenings and entire Saturday are wide the fuck open.

The quality of my writing has definitely deteriorated but I'm mostly here to free associate journey, not anticipate or please an audience. So hi, babes, it's just you and me. No one to judge, it is what it is, observe and acknowledge and accept and we can handle whatever flows from that.

Now go take advantage of your drugs and do those goddamn Q audits so you can get your email out by 5p.

[procalpal]

31 Aug 2024 | 11:26PM

Life in numbers

For many years my entire life has been revolved around numbers.

How many calories are in this? How many slices should I eat? How much weight have I lost/gained? What size pants am I now? How many days until I can binge again? How many hours since I last ate? It's only 11am, that's too early for breakfast. It's past 6PM, I shouldn't eat anymore.

Numbers mean so much to me. They are the centre of my every thought. Food following a close - almost equal - second place in my fuzzy brain.

Everything is revolved around numbers.

Today, I ate up to 620 calories of food until 7PM. Then I was out having dinner with a friend. I ordered the appetiser size of the chicken katsu, a small bowl of miso soup and a diet coke.

I thought that should be all. I may still be below 1200 calories - my daily calorie goal. But as dinner finished up, and I noticed the time, having only spent less than an hour with my friend, I knew we had to do something else. With it being the weekend, there wasn't much else we could do other than getting dessert.

A little bit of sweetness couldn't do too much harm right? I've been good all day. I've controlled my hunger and sweet cravings all day. I deserve this treat.

I will just offer to share so that I don't eat too much.

After dessert the sweet cravings would not go away. I bid farewell and we went our separate ways. I decided I deserved more sweets. I went to the closest grocery store and thought that a serving of "Hello Panda"s will satisfy and I shall make my way home.

The thing with living within the heart of the city is that venues close late, everything is within a walking distance and they are all terribly good at advertising.

I went to the store, walked through all the aisles and started my regular scan of calories, fats, carbs and sugar. Wanting to eat everything in sight, but putting everything back once I caught a glimpse of the nutrition numbers.

I noticed a woman doing the same, then it hits me that people are for sure watching me. They know I have a problem. They know why I'm checking the back of everything I pick up.

Upon realising that everything is too much, too many calories and carbs and fats and sugars. I opt for two mandarins, strawberries and a tub of zero sugar, 120 calories-a-tub ice cream.

Once I left the grocery store, I stumble upon an asian grocery store just across the previous store I was in. Perfect! They have the "Hello Pandas" conveniently displayed by the windows. I will buy a packet.

And so I do. Plus a packet of pea chips.

Making my way back home again I eat the "Hello Pandas". When I finish the snack, I think in my head that there is another asian grocery on the way, again.

I tell myself, if it's closed then it's the sign that should deter me from buying another snack.

I reach the store and it's closed. I'm disappointed, but a part of me is relieved.

But not a second longer I remember that conveniently, a convenience store is just by the crossing near my place. A packet of chips shouldn't hurt me.

So I buy some chips. Then finally I force myself to really go home now.

I shower, assemble the snacks I bought and begin a movie. In between snacks, I make a mug cake, melt some chocolate for the strawberries, grab some lollies from my pantry, eat some kimchi from the fridge. Every part of my brain is screaming at me.

Telling me just how disgusting I look. I avoid seeing reflections of my face, afraid to see that disgusting puffiness of my cheeks or the double chin adorning my already pimply cheeks and chin.

I refrain from body checking. But I still catch a glimpse. Knowing that my stomach is bloated, poking through my pajamas. I'm disgusted.

I hate the way my skin feels. The stiffness of my stomach because of how much I have gobbled down my throat. The feeling of my arms in the sleeves of my pyjama top.

I hate feeling weight. I hate feeling full.

But I also hate feeling hungry. Depleted of all energy.

There's no happy medium. I constantly think of food. Of how good a soft, sweet and moist cake would feel between my teeth right now.

I hate this. I want to have a good relationship with my body and food. I want to so badly eat, without feeling guilty after, without thinking of all these numbers that run through my head. Without thinking of how much I have to run to burn off all the calories I just consumed.

I want all of this, but I also want to be sick. I want to be sickly thin. I want people to look at me and think I'm small.

I don't want to be fat. I hate fat. I hate.

I hate telling people I don't like the taste of something, to make people think I'm a picky eater. When in reality, it's because I hate the amount of calories or carbs are in that food.

I hate ordering noodle soups just sip on the soup and leave the noodles aside. People telling me that I'm missing the best part. I know I am.

I love pasta, I love burgers, I love sushi, I love ice cream, I love pizza, I love cookies, I love cake, I love food. I love food. I love food. I love food.

But I hate weight. I hate calories, I hate fat, I hate sugar, I hate bloatedness. I hate being big, I hate not fitting into clothing. I hate. numbers.

I haven't had my period the past two months. People think it's stress. And maybe it is. But I know it's from not eating enough. While on holiday, I only ate about 1 proper meal a day. Only drinking a quarter of every drink I buy, taking about 3 spoons of food I order. And the majority of the food I ate were fruits. And now coming back home, I eat less than 1200 calories a day.

Until now, I just ate everything in sight.

But tomorrow that's changing. Even though I want a healthy body. I'm not thin enough. I'm going between 52-53kgs and I want to be in the 40s. September I am taking back control. I am going to lose that weight.

[kyetalksshit]

Another dream log!!!

I remember being in college for a lot of it even though I was also 29 in the team and it felt weird, and I acknowledged that I was living in a dorm again and about to move again (everyone else was moving out because it was the end of the semester) and since irl I know I'm not staying here long my brain decided that my place was a dorm in this dream.

A lot of that is fuzzy, I remember driving at one point and trying to hide from a cop, and I think there was a murder or something and a whole thing about a vampire? Oof I'm not sure what the plot was but I was in this big dark house locking every door and window so terrified someone would come in and the one who did was like... my vampire boyfriend or something I guess? I may also be misremembering the context because I'm awake.

Anyway, the most prominent bit that is still in my brain was at the end. It was my last day at petsmart (did not look like petsmart at all tho, I didn't recognize any coworkers, and the cage cards for the animals looked like the ones at my current job but I digress). There was a whole section of adoptable cats. And even knowing that I have a dog and two cats at home (irl AND in the dream) I was still determined to adopt one of these cats to give someone for my cats to play with, not totally taking the consequences into play such as I WOULD SUDDENLY HAVE FOUR ANIMALS AND STILL NOT OWN A HOUSE.

So at first I do the paperwork myself at the end of my shift to adopt this black cat. As we're getting him out I see that he has an ear infection and meds. I sign the cage card like I did the medication for him because I will now that I'm his new parent.

I take him home and my pets like just don't acknowledge him at all and vice verse. He is sweet and wants pets but he doesn't have the vibe I was looking for and he ends up looking entirely different up close than I'd thought. So the next day even tho I don't work there anymore I pack him up like I do, and take him with me. I quietly put him back and reverse the charge (I remember thinking he was $111 but when I was ready to adopt him saw he was $1,114 and was like uhhhhh wait I can't afford that, so my coworker at the time -- who looked like Jackie from my current irl job -- took off anything extra and just charged me like $60 for his shots and chip and stuff. So when I went to return him I expected $60 back but I got like $32 instead).

I do also remember feeling guilty about adopting and then immediately returning a cat and I rehearsed in my head what to say so nobody would think I was a bad person for it, and after I returned him and was looking back and forth for another one, my irl coworker Jackie came back and was being judgy and I said what I'd rehearsed, that he didn't really mesh or get along with my other cats, and Jackie was like ???? So???? You need to try harder! And I was like ???????? Because I don't know how to tell them I just didn't like this cat's real personality when I got it home.

I then walk back and forth and see that there are more cats today and keep almost getting different ones! I remember a little blonde cat named Nervous who ate Doritos and I was told that she was 11 years old. I met another black cat (name was like Friskie or something I don't know) with a few prominent white hairs and I wanted to take her home, but she was too much of a cuddlebug and wasn't going to play with my first cats. There were a couple times I saw a cat I liked but there was something that kept me from adopting them, or I wouldn't like any of them and keep pacing back and forth like when you expect the fridge to magically have what you're craving but it doesn't.

And then finally, FINALLY it occurs to me that hey, my cats are fine, they can play together or with me? And having 3 pets already makes it hard enough to move around LET ALONE if I had 4 and cats are expensive too so maybe I just shouldn't get a 4th cat?

And then I woke up.

[coliviataylor]

I'm exhausted

Can we just talk about how exhausting life has become? I feel the older I get the busier and busier I get and it is exhausting. Where I forget how to relax. I told Frank today that I would relax and I feel as though I was just so lazy but I didn’t “relax”. Does that make any sense? Probably not. I am just so tired lately. Especially being back at work. I knew being off for 6 months would be a shock to the body going back to full time but damn it is kicking my ass harder than I thought it would. It doesn’t help that I am still so bitter going back and I am miserable being there. Sorta. It is a long story that I don’t feel like getting into right now, another night I will explain it. 

So yeah just so exhausted. I am also exhausted from the flood of inspiration I guess you could call it, but the lack of time. I just have so much built up that I just want to get all off my chest. Ahhhh anyways I am finally watching the Eras Tour Movie. To say I am excited to finally be watching it is an understatement. I plan to talk about more of it later, for now I will just say I wish I could talk to you about this. About you work, About your life. About how you are truly doing. It has been exciting to see your life unfold as you re-release all your work, So because I am finally watching it, all the plans I had for the day went out the window. They will be for tomorrow. Actually I should write down a plan for tomorrow so I can stick to it and here is a good place to try that out. 

So tomorrow’s goals: 

Laundry, I want to at least get all our clothes washed and ready for the workweek. Oh and a load of towels. 

Clean the condo. Mostly tidy up and then mop the floors. It has been a couple weeks and I notice the older I get the more tightened my anxiety is when I have a messy place. I am trying to embrace the keeping it clean but its hard living with two boys. 

Make a match of cinnamon rolls for the monsters breakfast for the week. Plus I will and also try and bring it for my breakfasts at the office. 

Attempt at making cheesecake cupcakes. I am craving cheesecake so I though I will just make tiny ones for easy grab and go. 

Dinner prep with a chicken pot pie noodle skillet

Dinner prep for taco night. Not sure what night I am going to do it but I think Judo night! 

Prep some banana pancakes to put in the freezer. I recently made some and really enjoyed them. Then I put them in the monsters lunch one day and he ate them! I have been trying hard to get him to eat his lunches and when something new works it works, but then he starts to not touch it. So banana pancakes is a new idea I'm running with. Plus I might steal some for myself at work also. 

Make some Christmas Crack. I am craving it a bit after eating all this halloween candy. 

Make ribs for dinner. The monster is coming back from his moms and it will be just him and me. So might treat him with ribs and let his dad have the leftover for his lunches. 

Oh the list is already exhausting me. But if I get all that done I know I will feel good. I wasn’t able to relax today because all I thought about what all the things I wanted to get done. Then I kick myself in the ass for not doing it and because of that I couldn’t relax. So tomorrow I know I will be able to feel good once that is all done! I know it will also help me cruise through the week better. I am dreading work and a way I made it a bit more tolerable is a huge decluttering, so I look forward to spending my days with less mess to endure. If I have better order in my house I will feel good coming home at the end of the day. So hopefully writing it down will allow me to stick better to my goals. 

[vuipixxy]

12/12/22

I feel embarrassed about today but I'm holding myself accountable and maybe this will help others feel less alone about failing to restrict sometimes. Fwiw you can't do much worse than me this month lol.

Today is already off to a bad start because I binged today :') But I tried to judge what I was eating. From now on, whenever I binge I'll try to rate the foods so I'm more present when I'm eating, and maybe it can help me be more mindful and stop before it gets too bad. Hopefully this will also change my binge foods into something more enjoyable.

I had two sugar frosted cookies, they were ridiculously sweet and soft, enjoyable to chew on, but the icing sugar aftertaste was very nasty. I wouldn't buy these again, and if I did, I'd just c/s them because only the initial few bites were worth it. 2/10

I tried a nanaimo bar for the first time, and honestly I'm very disappointed! They were not as great as people hyped them up to be, which I guess is a good thing because they're pretty high calories and not worth getting again. They're too sweet, the creamy middle section kind of made me nauseous. I was looking forward to these the most but I don't think I'm going to get these on my own ever again. 4/10

I had a few frosted cinnamon buns. They were store bought so the pastry was dry and honestly not that tasty. I guess out of all the stuff I binged on this morning, these were the best, and I ate quite a lot of them, but still really mid in terms of cinnamon rolls. 6/10

Overall I'm kind of disappointed that these foods weren't all that great. I thought I was having a massive sugar craving but I couldn't find it in me to eat all of these up. I learned that buying store-bought pastries are not worth it, physically nor mentally. Even if I regretted eating these, I was experiencing bad acid reflux today so I didn't purge.

For the rest of the day I felt so bloated, uncomfortable, and lightheaded. My body still looks really round several hours after this binge. I barely got anything done at work because I was stressed out about how much I ate. I feel so disappointed in myself, and my body image is in the pits because of the water retention.

I don't know if anyone is going to read all that but I hope that if you binged, you feel less silly about it because binging has been all what I seem to be doing this month. It sucks right now losing all that progress, but holidays are special times and temptation is everywhere. I'll keep writing notes to myself reassuring myself that I've lost weight before, and I can lose it again if this month goes really off track.

[so-litudinal]

I ended up making them, two packs of instant ramen in a single cup..... and I didn't even feel sick afterwards, just very guilty hehe :') I could've even gone for more. my body is really deteriorating. the day after, which was yesterday, I wanted to make some again only to realise I'd eaten all of it already and put the bag back in the cupboard without noticing it was empty. anyway today I made oatmeal and it actually turned out pretty good, and it wasn't even a pain to digest for once. cuz oatmeal always sounds like a good idea in my mind but then I have it and I get an upset stomach for hours. anyway. today I added half an apple to the pot and also some speculoos spice mix and brown sugar. I used my favourite bowl, even though I didn't deserve it. I ate while watching the last few episodes of azumanga daioh. the final episode got me real emotional, though I suppose that was to be expected. I've also started to randomly crave turmeric, like turmeric infusions or even turmeric oatmeal or that persian turmeric porridge type of breakfast I used to make years ago (I remember eating some on a morning before english class while watching episodes of dragon ball—what year was that again? 2014 maybe? I'm too lazy to try and remember. it wasn't exactly a good period in my life but there were good times here and there and it was definitely, unarguably not as bad as it is now ha!) what was that turmeric porridge called again???——nevermind, I just looked it up and it's called kaachi. I could've never remembered that name, I have absolutely no recollection of it. actually, I could've sworn it was called something else.... but oh well what do I know. now that I've found it, I could try it out again sometime. anyway. yeah, turmeric. that's fall for you, I guess.

feeling reckless and dumb (not cute) and full of self-contempt, might make some instant ramen later..... two packs maybe......

[justprance]

I love bananas so much omg