#I apologise for yet another lengthy post

[modern-day-classic]

It's been three months and I am still very much puzzled by how the creative team decided to end Ted Lasso for it's main characters. I will not be touching on tedbecca at all here cause for me that isn't why I'm left still feeling so confused and let down by decisions made. So in true me fashion I am gifting you all another essay in which I work through why this still sits as incredibly underwhelming and unsatisfactory for me.

The creatives behind the show have always been very adamant that this was a story told in 3 parts. Perfect we love that. It means they have a clear beginning (intro & initial conflict), middle (dark forest aka working through the conflict) and end (conflict resolution & conclusion). This is cookie cutter narrative structure we should be good!

If we break this down into seasons we have:

The Beginning aka Season 1: The beginning of a story should very clearly introduce the genre of the story, the main characters, the heroes (Ted and you could argue Rebecca fits this description too) the setting and then the conflict and stakes. This was done perfectly and very early on we are introduced to the conflict at the crux of the show, Rebecca's revenge plot against Rupert and the demise of his beloved football team. This is information not privy to all character and we watch as the season progresses to the point where the conflict is realised by everyone involved - in this instance the first truth bomb.

The Middle aka Season 2: Season 2 is in every aspect the middle of the story. It's not only the middle season, but the middle part of the narrative structure whereby the heroes set out to resolve the conflict (Rebecca's attempt to sink the team), it is their dark forest if you will. The middle part of the story should be where the main action takes place. We see the fallout from the conflict and Rebecca's confession to Ted. While he did forgive her instantly he is very clearly hurt by it (coupled with the demise of his marriage yes) we see Ted pull away from Rebecca and the obvious strain in their budding friendship (idk what you'd call it nothing really feels right). This is most notable in the missed phonecall and ignored voice message post Ted's panic attack. All the key pieces of the story should begin to take shape in this portion of the narrative (I'm talking all the Ted x Rebecca parallels etc (I'm not even touching on if they were ever meant to be a romantic hint that's not the point of this)) and set themself out for a nice bow to be tied closing them all out in the next part of the narrative.

The End aka Season 3: This is simply the resolution to the conflict, the portion of the story where our heroes confront their issue. At the end of the story, the narrative should be complete, characters should be settled into the new normal post conflict resolution and all loose ends tied up in a satisfying manner for the viewer. AND THIS IS WHERE THE WHEELS FEEL OFF THE TED LASSO NARRATIVE ARC.

Season 3 should have seen the carefully planted plot points come together. We should have seen Rebecca and Ted overcome the slight estrangement. We should have seen them learn of their connections. We should have seen them achieve their goal to "win the whole fucking thing". We should have seen all the open storylines from seasons 1 and 2 come to a conclusion, be it nice or not that's not the point they should be complete.

INSTEAD we saw the two main characters, the heroes of this narrative be neglected and relegated to, for the most part, periphery characters. Ted has no significant storyline in season 3 outside of the Sunflowers episode and even then it was secondary to everyone else. Rebecca was removed from a lot of the action on multiple occasions getting (this is just a guess I refuse to go watch it to figure it out for real) 10 minutes of screentime in an episode, and not appearing until 15 minutes in on some occasions. Yes we still saw her but it was mostly on her own. This isn't conducive with having the time to close out all the little breadcrumbs and storylines woven for them in the first 2 seasons EVEN WITH the extended episode run times. Rather we had a million new storylines introduced and with them an abundance of new characters. The ending of the story isn't a place for this.

The creative team seems to have forgotten the key part of an ending: the narrative should be complete, characters should be settled into the new normal post conflict resolution and all loose ends tied up in a satisfying manner for the viewer. Yes we saw a conclusion for each, but both Rebecca and Ted's endings were rushed and last minute pieces of information thrown at us. I could have walked away (yes disappointed) but satisfied with Ted going back to Kansas if that's what season 3 was showing me he needed. They instead had taken great care to show how engrained into Richmond and the football club Ted was. So how as a viewer am I meant to be satisfied with his abrupt return to Kansas. As for Rebecca, her want for a second chance at love was always a key element of her storyline. Did I ship tedbecca, yes? would I have been happy with her finding love even if it wasn't a tedbecca endgame? also yes BUT I, as a viewer needed to buy into the love interest, not just have some new character we've hardly seen supposedly be her endgame. We needed to have been brought along on the journey here and not just had it thrown in at the last second.

So what this mammoth essay has made me realise is, my dissatisfaction as how Ted Lasso ended is due to the fact that NOTHING was closed out. No storylines properly ended. No conflict properly resolved and our heroes not shown as settled into their new normal. The creative team for whatever reason didn't follow through on basic narrative storytelling framework and as a result left behind a show with no proper ending.

[otomehonyaku]

Diabolik Lovers Daylight Vol. 7 Ruki ☽ SKiT Dolce・Rejet Shop Tokuten Drama CD ☽ Absurd Lesson ♪

Original title: 理不尽レッスン♪ Voiced by Sakurai Takahiro English translation by @otomehonyaku Click here for the audio (provided and owned by me)

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Please do not reuse or post my translations elsewhere or translate my work into other languages without my permission.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

I reached 1000 followers last week, so here’s a special treat: one of Ruki’s Daylight tokuten CDs, plus a translation which you can read below the cut╰(*´︶`*)╯♡ This was yet another short but sweet one with a surprisingly wholesome message. I hope you enjoy!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

00:00 Hey. Have you finally finished getting ready?

[You apologise for taking so long.]

Heh. It’s alright. We still have some time before we have to go to class.

Besides, Kou and the others are still busy preparing.

Have a seat, too. It seems like it’ll take a while longer.

[You sit down.]

I thought I’d prepare tea, so I boiled some water. Would you like some?

[You suggest getting the tea for him.]

No, I’ll pour it for you. I have only just cleaned the kitchen, after all. I would like to have it as tidy as possible before we leave.

[Ruki walks to the counter.]

Come to think of it, they’re being so rowdy that we can hear them all the way from here. Are they bickering again? Kou and Yuma tend to fight over who gets to use the bathroom first, right?

[You confirm his suspicions.]

Hm. So they were, even though that only chips away at the time they actually get to use the bathroom to begin with… 

They never learn, do they?

[Ruki pours the tea.]

Every time we wait for them to get ready, we head out late.

[Ruki brings the tea to you.]

Here’s yours. Be careful not to burn yourself.

We should be able to head out by the time we finish drinking the tea.

[You compliment him on his time management.]

You know I always like to have ample time before going out.

[You tell him that he’s much quicker than you are.]

It’s not as if I’m particularly quick to get ready. The four of you are slow. You always take way too long, even though your routine is the same every day. It’s only school. There is no need for such lengthy preparations.

[You tell Ruki he does much more before class than you do.]

Well, that’s true. I have many things to do, but none of them are major tasks. When you make a habit out of cooking and cleaning, you get the hang of it quickly, and it all goes smoothly before you know it. Even if I actually were to be burdened with more tasks, I would still be done before you guys.

[You ask him why he thinks that.]

It must be because I’m skilled in time management. I plan out all of my tasks for the day in advance. What I am trying to say is: you simply have to calculate the amount of time you need for each of these tasks.

[You tell him you wish you were more like him in that regard.]

Like me, you say?  Well, alright. I will do you a favour and teach you some of the tools of the trade.

[You ask him if that’s alright with him.]

Yes. If you learn to divide your time more effectively, you will have more time to help me out with running the household, right? If we can successfully distribute the household chores, we will both have more free time. I see no disadvantages.

[You tell him you will work hard.]

03:50 That’s the spirit. I wish Kou and the others would follow your example. If you help me out with the chores, I might have some time left to prepare a dessert for you.

[You’re happy about that.]

Heh, you silly girl.  You are much too happy about such trivial things. However, if you are a good student and learn how to manage your time more effectively, I will make whatever you request. Would you like blancmange, panna cotta, or rather pudding?  These are fairly straight-forward desserts, so I could easily make them for you. After all, it’s my job as your master to discipline you. 

[You get flustered.]

You look like your mind is wandering.  I always intend to discipline you thoroughly, but no matter how much time passes, your reaction is always the same. I thought you would have gotten used to it by now, but…

[His remark makes you a little shy.]

You are truly hopeless. Well, all the more reason for me to discipline you. Anyway, we have limited time before we have to go to class, so I should quit the teasing for now. Seeing you so flustered only makes me want to tease you all the more, though.  That’s no good, is it?

[You make a face.]

What, does that displease you? The face you were making earlier told me otherwise. If you want, we could continue this after class. You like it better when I take my sweet time to torment you, right? 

[You keep your mouth shut.]

I will take your silence as a yes.  Well, fine by me. Your face is like an open book, anyway.

06:28 Well, then, it is my duty as your master to teach you what I know. I will explain things in a clear order that will be easy for you to understand, so listen carefully.

[You respond enthusiastically.]

Heh. That’s what I wanted to hear. Let’s start with time management, then. You know most of the things you need to do in a day, right? You must have daily habits and other recurring tasks. You have to fit these tasks together like a puzzle and think about which ones you can carry out at the same time.

[You ask him what he means.]

Right…  For example, I do the dishes while I’m cooking, or I make a side dish(1) while I’m heating up soup. I actively try to perform tasks at the same time whenever possible. What’s important is to not waste time.

[You ask him to elaborate.]

07:07 Well, if you act without using your head, you tend to waste time much more easily. You should make a habit out of acting with intention. If you do that, you will be able to divide your time more effectively in general, not just when getting ready to go out.

[You tell him that Ruki is much better at it than you are.]

It’s not as if I do anything difficult in particular. You can do it too. It just takes practice. First, tell me the things you need to do in a day.

[You tell him.]

Hm. Washing your face and brushing your teeth are things you should do at the sink. It is best to do the various things you need to do in a given place all in succession. Moving from room to room to do something is a good example of wasting time. Are there other things you do near the sink?

[You tell him.]

08:05 I didn’t expect you to have so much to do. So, hair styling and skincare—they each have an order to them too, right? Try to think of whether there are any unnecessary steps in these actions.

[You start listing the steps in your hair care routine, but…]

Wait. You do all that just for your regular hairstyle? I can understand combing your hair, but is applying hair oil and using a hair curler really necessary?

[You nod.]

I see. If you say it’s necessary, then it must be. Looking after your appearance is not a bad thing, after all. But if your hair styling alone consists of so many steps, your skincare routine must have even more.

[You start to tell him, but…]

09:04 No, I’ve heard enough. I understand very well that you need to do many things in order to get ready. Are there any steps in your hair styling and skincare that you could perform at the same time?

[You’re unsure.]

I see.  If that’s the case, then you should try looking to improve elsewhere. But even then…

[You ask him whether something’s wrong.]

No, I’m actually kind of impressed. There is much more to your morning routine than I thought. I knew women always took some time to get ready in the morning, but I did not expect this. As a man, it barely takes any time. To do all of these additional things must take considerable effort. You do all of these steps every day, right?

[You nod.]

I see. That is quite admirable.

[You’re surprised.]

Why are you so surprised?

[You tell him it’s because of his compliment.]

Is it that unusual for me to praise you? As your master, I assumed it was only natural to reward you when you deserve praise, but… It must not have been enough for you. If you wish, I could give you a more obvious reward.

[You get flustered again.]

10:38 Heh. Your cheeks are red.  What did you imagine just now? I figured that it would suffice to pet your head or pamper you from time to time, but to you, that is only a half-hearted reward, isn’t it?

[You deny it.]

Heh. If you shake your head so vigorously, the hairstyle you spent so much time on will go to waste. After all, considering all the time and effort you put into your hair, I should refrain from petting your head, too. I should think of other methods to reward you.

[You’re a little disappointed.]

Heh. No need to be so sad.  I did not say I would never touch you again. I should merely touch you carefully so as to not ruin your hair and makeup.  Besides, we’re only talking about before you get ready, right? When we’re at home, it doesn’t matter how messed up your hair gets…

[Ruki holds you close.]

Next time I reward you, I am sure it will be to your liking. Look forward to it. And from now on, I will factor in the time you need to get ready when we make plans to head out together. Because thanks to you, I fully understand how much effort women put into their appearance.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

1. Honestly I just wrote ‘side dish’ here because I could not decipher for the life of me what word he used instead lol

[tomtenadia]

Thicker than blood - 34

Sorry for th long break since posting last time but here’s ch 34.

 A week had elapsed and election day had finally arrived. Rowan and Aelin had moved back to their house. Somehow that had helped Aelin and her episodes had become less and less every day and Rowan was glad to see that she was slowly healing. Aelin hadn’t wanted to meet anyone yet. They had spent time with her parents and talked to Rhoe about his campaign.

Father and daughter also had a very lengthy chat about all that happened. Evalin and Rowan both waiting in another room in apprehension. Rowan was worried that talking about what happened would ruin all the good work, but it seemed that instead had pushed Aelin in the right direction. As if a weight had been lifted from her.

She had told him that had opened to Rhoe and confessed all the pain that he had caused her, even if in the end it was not meant. For a great part of her life Aelin thought her parents did not approve of anything in her life and considered her a failure. Rhoe had apologised and added that he would spend his existence paying penance for all that happened. Then Aelin threw him an olive branch and admitted that she wanted them both in her life and asked her father to approve of Rowan.

Rhoe, who had spent enough time with his son in law, and had grown to respect the man deeply, had blessed the union.

That night Aelin had told him she wanted to go back home. She loved the cottage in the mountains but craved their home.

Rowan had made a deal with her. He had confessed that he had found a piece of land in the next valley and they could have their cottage in the mountains if she wanted. He also confessed that he had bought an helicopter and Rhoe had allowed him to store it in their private hangar. Aelin had been shocked at the idea that her husband could fly so he had told her all about him, his passion for flying and his time in the airforce. She had also adored the idea of their own cottage tucked away from the world.

That last week had been perfect and it gave them time to get closer. He had missed her so much. Even physically, but in that sense he was not pushing, not until Aelin told him she was ready again for more. 

It was now election day and they were getting ready to go out and vote. Aelin had worn her red wig and her brown contacts. Without her disguise she was too easy to recognise and she could not deal with reporters.

Rowan walked to her and placed a baseball cap on her head “all complete.”

She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him gently.

“Ae, are you sure?”

Aelin nodded “yes, plus I need to vote.”

“Fancy going for a hike after?”

The smile she gave him made him forget all of the weeks of pain they had just gone through.

“We can take Devil’s path, I hear at the end there is a stunning waterfall that come straight down from the Forsaken Peak.”

Her hand fisted in his hair “I’d love to, agent.”

Rowan had eventually gone back to work and had sort of mended things with Lorcan. Apparently Rhoe had a lengthy talk with the chief and the man in the end apologised. Patrols were less crazy and it was more of a way to make sure that nothing illicit was going on. They were expecting some vampires not being happy about the ban on drinking from humans, but so far his nights had been quiet.

Fenrys held a small memorial for his brother and then scattered his ashes in the woods he had loved. That had been his closure and had gone back to work but he also decided to help Ansel with her project.

“Then let’s go and do our civic duty and then we can have fun.”

She leaned against him, her finger trailing against his naked chest. He was in the middle of getting changed “perhaps some adult fun.”

Rowan stiffened and Aelin noticed it “You don’t want me anymore.”

He moved back and cupped her face “I do, madly, I was just…” a pause to gather his thoughts “I was just giving you space and time.”

Her lips met his in a hungry kiss “I told you already, I am not made of porcelain and I miss my husband.”

He smiled wickedly and lifted her in his arms and ran for the bedroom. Screw it. Voting could wait.

Joining with her after over a month apart had been all Rowan could hope for. Their bond unleashed once more and brought them together after their separation. 

In bed, she was now sprawled on top of him while with one arms he held her close and the other traced lazy circles on her back.

“Now I am at home again,” a soft kiss on his pec near his heart where her canine marks were.

“Was the sex satisfactory, m’lady?”

Aelin chuckled “meh, you know what to do.”

A second later she was squealing while strong hands tickled savagely “Stop, Ro, you know I am ticklish.”

Her husband did not stop though. With a powerful movement she flipped him over and straddled him “now I need to punish you, hubby.”

A wicked grin grew on his face and he pillowed his hand behind his head “Go on, wife, show me how naughty you can be.”

And when her mouth enveloped his length, Rowan started crying her name to the gods.

*

The polling station was back in town and they had decided to leave the car at his work and walk from there. It was a nice crispy wintery day and Aelin had confessed she wanted to be outside and he had obliged. They were later than he had planned. Their adventure in bed had taken much longer than they had planned. Aelin had been truly wicked to him and when they eventually joined in blood too their peaks had crashed on them as hard as a train wreck. They had laid exhausted in bed for a while. In silence or whispering sweet nothings to each other.

The town was expecting a very huge turnout so they had ended up using the imposing concert hall. The queues had started at 7 am as soon as the polling station had opened and according to the volunteers manning the stations, it had been a non stop flow of people.

Rhoe and Darrow had visited the ballots in the morning, press followed them and took the ritual picture of them placing their ballot paper in the box. Reporters had waited for them outside for interviews and both men had walked amongst voters, shook hands and took photos.

Aelin passed her ID to the man at the table. She was still Aelin Galathynius on it and he looked at her. That was the reason why she had used her ID instead of saying her name out loud.

“Yes, now my ballot paper please?”

The man nodded quickly and gave her the paper and a pencil “box twenty.”

She walked to the station that had been indicated to her and placed the card on the little shelf. It had four names, the two candidates for the vampires and the ones for the humans.

She looked at her father’s name and smiled. She was proud of what he was doing and she had made sure to tell him. Even once she and Rowan had moved back to their place, she had kept in touch with her family. Aelin had also accepted to help from time to time as a consultant with his project, but most of all, she was looking forward to join her mother in her foundation. She was still an ME and would go back as soon as she could face the world again. One step at a time Rowan kept telling her. But her mother’s project was dear to her and knew that Rowan had expressed interest in it too. They had both been junkies, albeit for different reasons.

She shook her head and put a cross on her dad’s name and one on Darrow’s symbol and folded the paper and proudly placed it in the box.

Rowan was waiting for her outside the room and she was not ready for the two people at his side: Aedion and Lysandra.

Rowan’s arm went around her waist in protection.

She looked up at him and nodded. Rowan had become very protective and she had let him. She owed him so much. He had looked after her and helped her regain her sanity. He had been her anchor. She had been so wrong, yes, maybe being mates had played a part, but she had realised that what she felt for him was real. That grumpy man had slowly made his way in her heart in a way she only thought possible in the fairytales her mother used to tell when she was little.

In silence she leaned against his body.

“We were here just to vote, we’ll go now.” Hurt in Aedion’s voice stunned her.

“No,” she looked up at Rowan and he nodded “Rowan and I are going home, come both with us.”

“Ae, it’s fine.”

“Aedion, please,” she slowly grabbed his hand “I missed you.”

An ear splitting grin appeared on his face “Let us vote and we’ll join you.”

The couple disappeared and she buried her face in Rowan’s chest “I thought you wanted to go out walking.”

“It’s too late anyway and I think I owe him.”

He kissed her head “We’ll do the Forsaken peak another time.”

The couple came back after a few minutes “Come on, Lys, you still remember how to get to our place?”

Aedion looked at his fiancee with curiosity “Long story. Let’s go.”

They arrived at the house twenty minutes later. The snow much deeper that far out of town. 

“Nice digs, Whitethorn.”

Rowan smiled and directed them all inside.

Once in the house Lysandra gasped at the renovations. It was gorgeous. All in fine woods with a beautiful staircase in the middle.

“Aelin will give you the tour later.” He motioned them towards the living room on the ground floor.

The couple sat down and Rowan offered drinks and once everyone apart from Aelin had drink she stood.

“I am sorry,” her voice low “I thought that pushing you both away was the safest thing to do. I thought that it was the best thing to do not to drag you down with me,” she explained staring at them, while Rowan grabbed her hand gently “I was wrong. I tried to push everyone away.”

“Even me.”

She then explained all that happened with Maeve during her three weeks captivity and how she was slowly learning to function again.

“I love you both, and I missed you madly. I am sorry. I am so, damn sorry for everything.” Hot tears streaked down her face and Lysandra stood and wrapped her friend in a hug “We missed you too. I was so worried about you,” she was now crying as well “and you kept pushing me away and all I wanted to do was help you.”

Aedion joined in the hug “I missed you too,” then his gaze landed on Rowan “now you two explain this married thing.

Aelin sat back down at Rowan’s side and grabbed his hand.

“I was the one who offered. She’d be able to feed from me and it would be legal. Also, blood from a mate is far more powerful,” Rowan had preceded her and started explaining “It was just a marriage of convenience to begin with. Until it wasn’t anymore.”

“Rowan asked me to move in with him, thinking that it would offer me some stability. Then it became more,” she turned and looked him in his eyes. Those green eyes that could read her soul like no one had ever done “We are married and truly and deeply mated.”

Lysandra elbowed Aedion “Tell them.”

Aelin turned her gaze on him “Tell us what?”

Aedion sighed “Remember when we tried to figure out why Rowan’s blood was good for you even if it was mostly synthetic blood?”

Aelin nodded.

“Well, I tried to find a scientific answer but there is not one.”

“It’s magic,” Lysandra clapped her hands happily “While he was reading all his big scary books I read your dad’s book about legends and myths.”

Rowan chuckled but Aelin looked at her friend with a strange expression.

“You are carranam.”

Rowan’s arms tightened around her waist “Apparently it’s even stronger than the regular bond and that explains why my blood heals you that quickly and not just physically, it actually stopped all the wild attacks.”

“It’s just a myth.”

Lys shook her head “You realised Rowan was your mate the first time you bit him, right?”

A timid yes was Aelin’s reply.

“That’s how you know you are carranam mates. To Aeds and I took a while to figure out that we were just regular mates.”

“You two truly were meant to be together.”

Aelin turned to Rowan and he placed a lock of hair behind her ear and she did not miss the deep love in his eyes “You are stuck with me, fireheart.”

She leaned against him and let his arms hold her.

Aedion cleared his voice “I have a surprise too.” From his backpack he extracted a compact cool bag from which removed a bag of blood.

“Do you always carry that with you?”

He shook his head “I was at the lab and went to collect it.”

“What it is it?”

Blue eyes met blue “It’s synthetic blood made specifically for you. It took me ages but this will not make you sick.”

Rowan felt her body stiffen against his and her hand shook in his.

“Aedion…” warning in Rowan’s voice.

“I know. Place it in the fridge and try it when you feel ready. There’s no rush.”

Aelin stood and walked upstairs.

“I am sorry, Rowan. I was just trying to help.”

Rowan knew, but Aelin was not ready yet.

Aedion and Lys stood “We are going, tell her I love her and that she doesn’t have to drink it if she can’t. I just want her safe.”

Rowan nodded “She knows. Leave it to me, okay?”

“I’ll text her,” added Lys.

“Please.”

TAGS:

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[aprincessnotaqueen]

PART 3.

A continuation of this snippet

The music room had not changed. Same hard, plastic chairs; same streaked whiteboard; same third-hand instruments. Courtney stood at the threshold, taking in the familiar site of her second home with butterflies in her stomach.

“It’s not the same, is it?” Came a voice behind her. She didn’t have to turn around to know who had snuck up on her moment.

“We’re not the same, you mean,” she replied, unable to face him.

His chuckled response was all the confirmation Courtney needed; Duncan felt it too, the shift between them and the room they had lived in their whole freshman year of high school.

Things had seemed so much simpler then; the inside jokes and stolen kisses. Music was their sole interest, before things got complicated. Before they got complicated.

Courtney knew better now. Business and pleasure do not mix, and she still could not meet Duncan’s eyes as she thought back to fond memories.

The first time she had sang piano in front of the boys they had stared at her in awe, unaware she was the missing piece to the band they were clinging to.

The first time she had played a piece of music that wasn’t classical, that was different to every recital she had practiced for, and how alive it had made her feel.

The first time Duncan had taught her to play his guitar, carefully showing her each note until she mastered it, until she was able to write music to it.

Finding her voice in her high school music room was the high Courtney had been chasing ever since, and so far nothing else had compared.

“I assume you’ve already planned our set list,” Duncan commented, taking a seat on the piano bench.

Courtney fought the urge not to watch him, a battle she had lost many times before. But he sat in her space at the piano, looking so much bigger than the last time she had seen him do so.

The last few years had been kind to him; his muscled flexing under the long sleeves of his shirt as he reached for the keys. Stubble graced his face, carving out his jaw. He wore a well-worn gray beanie, but Courtney knew he still had his signature green Mohawk tucked away.

Courtney had spent a lengthy amount of time covering the bags under her eyes with make up that morning before pulling on her comfiest capris and sweater. She hoped she looked as put together as she wanted the boys to see.

“Chris had some suggestions,” Courtney told him. “We’ve been emailing.”

Duncan chuckled again, the sound giving Courtney a twitch.

She thought four years apart would make it easier, but here she was staring at him across the room like she was sixteen years old again. The sight of him turned her stomach like it always had, but Courtney was still yet to figure out if that was a good or bad sign.

“The boys are late,” Courtney said, turning to the clock above the door.

Duncan chucked for a third time and Courtney resisted the urge to throw her shoe at him.

“You never change,” he mused, turning his blue eyes towards her, catching the glint off the yellow classroom lights.

Courtney hid her shiver, choosing to frown at him instead.

Time for a quick authors note, I think!

These are just snippets, not a whole story, so there are time jumps. I have not written the whole story out, I am writing these snippets as scenes come to mind and posting them immediately, so should I ever actually write the full story there may be some tweaks as we go.

They are written in my notes app and uploaded from my phone so I apologise for any weird formatting!

The first snippet got a lot of love and I’m so grateful to everyone who reblogged and favourited and left comments.

But I wanna give a specific shoutout to @the-type-a @xwhatababex @lotsofloveish for your continued support in everything I post, I haven’t shared my love for you as much as I should but I am so so grateful to all of you 💕

[sugarybitterness]

favourite avenger - wandanat x daughter!r

series masterlist

a/n: this was supposed to be a fluffy blurb, in the end it became 1.7k … and it is not very fluffy, gets a little angsty and talks a little about how the kids lost their parents so:”) this is the kids’ first halloween with the team, r hasn’t fully warmed up to the idea of calling wandanat her parents yet but this chapter will mark the beginning of their growing relationship. also i know this note is getting lengthy but i would like to apologise for how messy this series is going to be lol, i will most likely not post stuff in chronological order just random ideas i have for this particular au:”) anyways let’s go!

tw: talks of death, accidents

ages: kate and yelena are 20, peter is 18, y/n and cooper are 8, lila is 6, ellie and morgan are 4 while nate is 6 months! fuck canon compliance amirite?

“alright so you can be anyone or anything you want for halloween. what do you little ones have in mind?” tony asked the three children who were all gathered in morgan’s playroom.

“spidey!” morgan cheered loudly, holding up her spider-man plush toy. you chuckled at that, noting how morgan was even dressed in spider-man pyjamas. tony’s offended face made everything even funnier in your opinion.

“what? no ironman?” the billionaire huffed, sighing when morgan repeated her earlier answer.

“anyone?” ellie turned to look at you, gaze questioning. you nodded in response.

“last time we had halloween i think you were dressed as a puppy, so that i could be dorothy from wizard of oz.” you replied, your hand fiddling with the pages of the book on your lap. which was, your obvious favourite, wizard of oz. it was one of your last few memories of your biological family, arguably your most cherished memory.

“hmm..” ellie mumbled thoughtfully as she eyed the various avenger toys in front of her that she and morgan had been playing with earlier. picking up the thor one, she turns back to tony, “i be thor?”

“that can be arranged. what about you mini maximoff?” tony turns to you, as he taps away on his tablet, arranging for a mini spider-man (spider-woman?) and god of thunder suit to be made. you knew that ellie would absolutely love the cape.

“i’m not sure, maybe i’ll decide another time?” you shrugged, returning your attention back to the book in your lap.

“alright just not too late yeah?”

-

later that evening was the monthly avengers dinner. meaning that everyone would come to the compound and tony would order in food, usually shawarma.

“so barton kids! i already have two mini avengers for halloween, any one of you want to dress up as your dad?” tony asked when the chatter at the table had reached a lull.

“i want to be captain america!” cooper cheered excitedly, earning himself a fist bump from steve.

lila, who had been in a conversation with kate seemed to be in deep thought.

“since i was aunty nat last year, maybe i’ll be kate this year! can i get a bow and arrow? please?”

tony nodded at both the kids requests before turning to look at nate, but realised that the young child probably wouldn’t be able to actually answer him, so he looks to laura instead.

“maybe he can be clint, so that at least one of his kids will dress up as him this time.” laura teased, causing the table to erupt in laughter while clint groaned.

“even mini stark and mini romanoff didn’t choose their parents.” tony shook his head as he pulled up a hologram to take a look at the suits, smirking when the kids rushed over in excitement.

he put up the costumes from earlier that afternoon, and made it so that a holographic version of morgan and ellie appeared on screen in the outfits.

“ah! the little one has chosen me, a wise choice.” thor boomed in excitement, sending an exaggerated wink to ellie who giggled happily.

“oh wow, that’s me- i mean my costume! that’s so cool, thank you morgan.” peter had a wide smile on his face, which somehow got even bigger when morgan clambered down from pepper’s lap to tackle him into a hug.

throughout all this, you continued to quietly eat your food, eyeing the hologram thoughtfully.

“malysh?” wanda’s soft voice broke through your thoughts and you turned to look at her.

“not being an avenger for halloween?” she asked you, a hand going up to smooth down the flyaway hairs that escaped your braids.

before you could provide an answer, your attention was taken away by clint’s next comment.

“did all of you pick your favourite avenger?”

your eyes widened and you were quick to glance over at ellie who, much to your horror nodded her head yes. natasha’s follow-up comment made your heart sink to your stomach.

“ouch, am i not your favourite milaya?”

“no!” the word tumbled out of your mouth forcefully, effectively silencing everyone, their attention turning to you.

“malysh?” wanda questioned worriedly, her hand rubbing up and down your back.

“no, nat is your favourite. isn’t she?” you directed the question at ellie, giving her a slight glare.

“but.. thor-“

“no! it’s nat!” you stressed again, ignoring the way ellie’s eyes filled with tears.

“malysh, calm down please.” wanda’s hand continued to rub your back, sharing a worried gaze with natasha.

“no, your favourite is nat, mine is wands! they’re the one that gave us a home! don’t be an ungrateful brat!” ellie had started crying then, not understanding why you were scolding her. natasha was quick to scoop her into her arms and bring her away.

“y/n!” wanda scolded, shocked at the harmful words you threw out at your younger sister. her arms went to pick you up, and soon you were back in her room.

wanda set you down on the bed gently, crouching directly in front of you. your breath was quick, your hands were trembling and your eyes were glistening with unshed tears. before she could even get a word in, you cried out.

“please don’t send us back! we’ll be better, i’ll be better i promise. please, please she’s little she doesn’t know any better.. please don’t leave us, please!” tears had started to stream down your cheek, your breath quickening even more.

“breathe malysh, you’re okay, ellie’s okay. no one is angry, no one is sending anyone away okay? can you copy my breaths please?” wanda grasped your shaking in hers, pressing it to her chest. she exaggerated her next few breaths, doing her best to ground you.

“no one is leaving, you’ll stay right here okay? with me and with nat. you’re going to be safe here like we promised.” wanda continued to murmur out reassurances and comfort.

slowly, your breathing started to regulate.

“hold.. please.” your voice was so soft and shaky that wanda barely understood your words, but the hand reaching to grasp onto her shirt told her all she needed to know.

she could talk to you later.

she gathered you up in her arms, your arms snaked around her waist as you placed your head on top of her chest, sighing softly when you finally heard the rhythmic thumping of wanda’s heartbeat. you snuggled even closer to the sokovian when you felt her hand gently take out your braid, her fingers running through your now curly locks.

once you had fully calmed down, wanda spoke softly, “would you like to tell me what that was all about malysh?“

your fingers curled into her shirt, as you tried to sort out whatever you had been feeling earlier.

“scared.” was your short reply.

“of?” wanda gently prompted, her free hand going to tilt your head up so she could look at you.

“ellie.. ellie said nat was not her favourite,” your voice shook with emotions as you recalled the events of the last time you saw your parents.

“i told my mum and dad i didn’t like them, because they wouldn’t let me wear my dorothy costume to school. so i ignored them and that night they never came home. they’re gone and-“ a choked sob fell from your lips, “it was all my fault.”

“oh malysh..” wanda’s heart broke as you started to sob again, the guilt from all those years ago coming back to crush you.

“malysh, you were only four- i can promise you that whatever happened to them wasn’t your fault okay?” wanda soothed you gently, but you just shook your head in denial.

“it is!” you wailed, your body shaking with sobs as you tried to explain. “the- the police said they were coming home from a- from a bakery. there was pastries in the car- for me! because i was sad and they bought me my favourites! if i hadn’t told them i didn’t like them they- they wouldn’t go get those food!”

you buried your face into wanda’s shirt as you continued to cry, and the witch debated whether or not she wanted to tell you the truth, the truth that she and natasha had found out after months of digging.

to be frank, she wasn’t sure how well you would handle it but, you deserved to know the truth. you were still a child, why should you be made to carry such a heavy burden?

“malysh, your parents death wasn’t an accident. it was pre-planned.”

“what?” you hiccuped out, your face turning to look up at wanda again.

“your parents.. they were tangled up with some bad people malysh. we don’t know how they got away from them, but they did. it made the bad people really, really angry. so, no matter where your parents went that night, be it their usual route home, or the detour to the bakery, they wouldn’t have come home. it wasn’t your fault okay?” wanda explained, her heart aching all over again as she saw your various emotions flicker across your face.

guilt to relief, because if what wanda was saying is true, then there was nothing you could’ve done differently.

relief soon turned into anger, anger at the world, at the people who ripped your parents away from you. the people you were almost certain that took you.

you didn’t know how to handle all those emotions, so you just continued to cry. wanda, who hadn’t expected anything else, continued to sooth you, murmuring apologies and sweet nothings into your hair.

soon all your negative feelings gave way to a feeling of comfort. you took in a few shuddering breaths as you soaked in the feelings of being held by wanda. if you tried hard enough, it felt like your mother holding you all over again.

but, your mother was gone. instead you were with wanda, sweet wanda who had done nothing but make sure you were settling in, who seemed to understand you better than yourself sometimes.

so as you started to doze off, the magnitude of today’s events catching up with you, you decided that you would tell tony your halloween costume tomorrow.

and maybe after you apologised to ellie, you’d ask natasha if she could braid your hair just like hers to go with your scarlet witch costume for halloween. so that you could be like two of your favourite people.

your mommy and your mama.

[tillywhim]

Ok. I’ve received the “standard” response from the BBC following my complaint about the Princes and the Press fauxumentary. As expected and as many of you will have seen, they are standing behind both the programme and Rajan. To say I was disappointed is putting it mildly. Of course I couldn’t leave it there so I’ve sent them this reply:

“Thank you for your response. However, I stringently disagree with what are basically excuses made to protect a biased and un-impartial presenter fronting a poorly researched and shoddily edited ‘documentary’.

Mr Rajan’s response to questions raised regarding the 20 tweets he posted about the royal family which ranged from criticising yourselves ‘this utterly relentless, spirit-crushing, monarchist propaganda on the BBC is making me ill.’ That Prince Philip was ‘a racist buffoon’, Prince Charles was ‘not bright enough’ and that he wanted to ‘throw a brick at Wills and Kate’, was to apologise and claim because he posted those tweets 10 years earlier, he was now a different person.

That is completely and utterly ridiculous and the fact the BBC as a corporation is supporting and standing by him and this programme is only adding insult to injury.

To be truly impartial, the programme should have been presented either by a journalist who has expressed no opinion on the royal family one way or another or had another presenter with Mr Rajan to offer a contrasting opinion to his.

The other issue I believe most people will agree with me on is the amount of airtime given to Omid Scobie who claims to be a journalist/author/royal reporter but has increasingly been exposed as nothing more than a mouthpiece for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. I would say at the very least his integrity can be severely questioned.

This could and should have been an interesting and informative programme about how the two Princes have learned to live and work with the media in the 21st century, how they (in particular Harry) have come to terms with how their mother was perceived and presented in the media and, how she was used by Martin Bashir for the Panorama programme which was recently subject to a lengthy enquiry.

One fact stood out to me when this programme was aired and that has been reinforced by your reply and that is you have learnt nothing from the Dyson Inquiry about the Bashir/Panorama debacle. This has been yet another sad day for an institution which was once world leading. I feel if you continue commissioning, releasing and advocating for programmes like this you will find it difficult to compete with streaming behemoths like Netflix and Amazon.

Regards”

[justiceraffles]

"Hey, what if MK was a horribly written telenovela with a poorly conceived mystery storyline that's tied together in the most precarious of ways with nonsensical plotpoints and was also endgame Hakukai" So here's the start to my Hakukai longfic! I have a lot of things to say about this story so I'll just ramble about it at length beneath the cut if anyone's interested in my nonsense notes. Otherwise,

Read Here

I've been working on this thing on and off for a year and a half now, it lives rent free in my head every day and has been editted, restructured, and rewritten a lot. I've been very apprehensive about sharing it. ...To be honest, I still am! It's a chaotic story where I just allowed myself to write the most self-indulgent thing I could muster. This entire plot is an amalmagation of random things and ideas I like. It feels like a niche concept that is very messy and ???¿¿¿¿??? why did I make this

But, I guess that also makes it a very "me" story, so having fun with it and writing something that just brought me joy is what matters most, ultimately.

(aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

I'm very thankful to everyone who has read the outline and concept for it or just listened to me ramble about the incoherent plot and characters or cheering me on when I've been kinda anxious about it— it's thanks to that support despite this being such a specific and ¿¿¿ idea that I've found the courage to actually share it. I'm very grateful and I hope you guys can enjoy something in it o)-(

So, about the fic,

It's a story about Hakuba! I think we are all well aware that jokes about his long absences and infrequent appearances are very commonplace (where in the world is hakuba saguru??? TT) and it unfortunately leads to him being forgotten and overlooked often. The initial concept that inspired this fic was "Hey, what if Hakuba stopped showing up for real?" and explore the implications this would have on the MK storyline (and Kaito, by extension). I wanted to make a plot where he was allowed to be the protagonist of his own story, highlight his worth as a detective, his role in the main narrative, and the depth of his relationship with Kaito. It's a Hakuba Saguru Appreciation fic, first and foremost!

So, the romance itself is very slow burn. There is a lot of plot, because I have a lot of fun with ridiculous, contrived stories haha. It takes a while for the story to be fully set up, and Kaito doesn't make a proper, official appearance until the end of Chapter 2.

Chapter 1 is rather lengthy and sets the context and plot from Hakuba's POV, Chapter 2 focuses on establishing where his relationship with Kaito (as well as Aoko and Akako) stands at the moment, and Chapter 3 onward starts seeing the first proper developments in the relationship.

It's a bit rocky at first and they have a lot of ups and downs but I promise they work it out (I promise!!! I swear!!!) I tried my best to maintain a balance between the fluffy and angsty moments, but I have to admit it's quite dramatic at parts lol I enjoy stupid, trashy drama a lot sometimes— this is the reason I'm calling it a bad telenovela.

Despite the fact that this is very plotty, their feelings for each other are the guiding force behind the storyline, and their relationship does take center stage later on. The romance is in no way secondary, it just takes a long while to fully develop. They most definitely get a happy ending, but you can expect this to be 95% pining.

The story starts out some years after the current events in the MK manga. Pandora hasn't been found yet, and KID is still active. On the other hand, the DC canon is used very loosely; the conflict has long since been resolved. The BO was taken down years before the start of this story.

The two plots aren't too deeply intertwined here, they just intercept at parts. References to DC events appear here and there and some elements and character interactions overlap, but they tend to be minor for the most part. This is primarily a MK story and I wasn't too worried about completely integrating both plotlines (or staying 100% accurate to the DC plot, for that matter).

Of course, because this is MK-centric, Aoko and Akako are involved with the overarching story and have major roles to play.

In terms of DC characters, Masumi, Shiho, Heiji and Shinichi play semi-prominent roles in the story. I've tagged Masumi from the getgo because she appears in the first chapter, but I'll add the others when I get to the little arcs they show up in. Save for some specific contributions they have, they aren't too deeply involved with the overall plot progression, but the interactions Hakuba has with them are important for his character development and his better understanding of his relationship with Kaito. Basically each of these characters gets some sort of little story arc in which they interact with/help Hakuba in some way. I arbitrarily chose who I wanted him to interact with, lol.

Speaking of arbitrary decisions— Miss Masumi!!!! She's the first character that shows up in this and interacts with Hakuba. I understand this is probably a strange choice. Because I really wanted to flesh out Hakuba's detective methods and life in London a little more, I decided to use the very what if headcanon of Hakuba's maternal family and the Sera family being acquainted with each other. Like I said before, I didn't really want to connect DC and MK plots thoroughly, so the Akai family plotline isn't at all relevant here beyond a couple of passing mentions. I was mostly interested in Hakuba having an MI6 connection without the need of using another OC and I just wanted to imagine what a hypothetical dynamic between him and Masumi would be like.

And then, OCs. There's a couple of OCs with pretty major roles here as well. Really major— probably in equal measure to Aoko and Akako. I apologise in advance! I really needed them to properly build the detective/mystery aspect of the plot, and the more I wrote, the more they became involved with the story and relationship progression TT I really enjoyed writing them a lot, and I'm satisfied with how they turned out here. I understand OCs with prominent roles aren't everyone's cup of tea, though. Even though I enjoyed writing them, I'm a little self-conscious about how relevant they ended up being when they were originally just going to be there as a plot device to kickstart things ;;; Hopefully someone can find enjoyment in them nonetheless. They are most heavily involved with the story after the midpoint, but they appear all throughout.

I'm really nervous about the choices to have Masumi and major OCs in this story...I understand it is likely these things will make this story a little too niche. But!!!!!!!!! Again!!!!!!!!!!!!! Having fun with it is what matters most Raffles!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get that through your thick skull!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, please expect the most convoluted explanation to Pandora. There is a lot of made up lore I had a blast writing but it's all probably needlessly complicated.

In summary, it's a detective story starring Hakuba that somehow ended up reading like a dramatic post-breakup/getting back together soap opera.

A significant portion of this has been prewritten, so my (ideal) plan is to have weekly or biweekly updates (but hmmmm let's see how long that lasts until I decide to scrap and rewrite everything out of embarrassment— this is very likely, I second-guess myself a lot)

I keep dragging it through the mud, but I've actually had a blast writing it, even though there's A Lot going on and I'm not very confident in it being decent enough to share.

With all that, I hope someone else can maybe find some enjoyment reading it.

[deborahdeshoftim5779]

BBC Merlin 4x05: His Father’s Son

Here's a round-up of my main observations from BBC Merlin's "His Father's Son" (4x05).

1- MERLIN AS A KNIGHT 

I have to admit that Merlin as a sorcerer and trusted adviser appeals to me the most, but I did write a lengthy post analysing how Arthur had turned Merlin into an excellent fighter. This refutes claims that Merlin gave more to Arthur than he received in return. 

At the beginning of 4x05, we see Merlin selected to play a new role: that of knight. How did this come about? Arthur Pendragon is best known for his skills as a warrior, but he deserves more credit for his military tactics. These destroy the popular yet false idea that he is unintelligent. More on the latter in a forthcoming post.  

One of Arthur’s favourite tactics is using decoys. Previous examples of him using decoys include: The Castle of Fyrien (3x07), when Arthur used Merlin as a decoy to entrap Cenred’s soldiers; Aithusa (4x04), when Arthur used himself as a decoy to get Sir Percival to safety; Arthur’s Bane Part 2 (5x02), when Arthur uses Merlin as a decoy to enrage the slave traders before they escape-- by far my favourite example. 

All things considered, I don’t think it takes long for Arthur to choose Merlin. Furthermore, this decision may have taken place before they reached their selected location, as Agravaine later mentions a previous attack by Caerleon on the border. This choice demonstrates that Arthur has higher confidence in Merlin's abilities than he does of in his knights-- else he would have chosen them. We must conclude that Merlin is Arthur's best fighter, though at first glance, we wonder why an unarmed man follows trained knights into battle. 

Merlin is sharp, fast, has high stamina, and is incredibly resourceful. Most of all, however, he is incredibly brave. In fact, when rewatching 1x02, I was surprised to see Arthur acknowledge that Merlin was "braver than you look." This despite Arthur’s frustration that Merlin did not try hard enough during practice ("Come on, Merlin: I've got a tournament to win!"). 

What’s more, in that same episode, Merlin complains about his first day, but later on, we see his fascination wth the ongoing tournament. Then he admitted to Gaius that working for Arthur (in the context of said tournament) "isn't totally horrible all the time." It took one day for him to change his opinion! 

Sure, Merlin would continue to treat the fighting as pointless violence, and Arthur as having nothing more in his head than a desire to knock "the seven bells" out of other people (3x04). However, even in 1x02, when he applauds Arthur's fighting, his actions tell a different story. We associate this habit of liking something whilst pretending otherwise to Arthur, yet Merlin has it as well. 

As I have said before, Merlin and Arthur have profound differences, yet are profoundly alike. 

2- MERLIN AS A SERVANT 

It comes as no surprise that Merlin would return to serving after the beginning of 4x05. However, what that change represents sets the tone for this entire episode: Arthur dismissing Merlin's counsel repeatedly in favour of listening to his uncle. 

When Arthur says, "so please, stick to what you do know," you have to wonder whether Merlin remembered being entrusted with the role of knight. Now, Arthur puts him back in his place. 

Here's another example: "My conscience is clean, which is more than I can say for my room, so just... do your job, will you?" Yet just yesterday, that job involved Merlin risking his life against enemy forces by dressing as a knight. 

By the way, you can tell that Arthur doesn’t believe his own excuses, because he keeps using the passive voice to justify killing Caerleon: “...a show of strength was necessary… an example had to be made… My conscience is clean…” 

Merlin’s face after Arthur claims he doesn’t need anyone is self-explanatory. 

3- NEW THOUGHTS ON ANNIS

Is Queen Annis a good person? Actually, no. 

First of all, she knows and approves of her husband invading foreign kingdoms to plunder their wealth. Such invasions naturally cost not only the lives of Arthur's men, but her own, too. 

Furthermore, despite accepting Arthur's offer of a fight by single combat, she is prepared to cheat by enlisting Morgana's power. Perhaps if Arthur had died, too, she would have felt some remorse. Yet she still takes a monumental risk with Arthur's life in blatant violation of the knight's code. One has to wonder about her reaction had Camelot plotted against her armies in the same way. 

Then we have Annis calmly ordering Merlin’s execution without giving him a chance to explain himself. The lack of emotion in her voice suggests she has done this before. 

Speaking of cruelty, Annis’ champion seems to enjoy inflicting pain on his enemies, yet the Queen claims that he “served my husband well.” I dread to think what she means by “served”. 

I will also note that Queen Annis disdains magic, referring to Morgana as “witch”. As I have said before, Uther did not begin prejudice against magic; sorcerers were disliked and feared elsewhere, too, including by those who disliked Uther. Many sorcerers caused this prejudice by engaging in manipulative, violent, and wicked deeds. 

Examples include High Priestesses using Fomorrohs to enslave people’s minds (4x06); Cornelius Sigan using his power to change day into night and acquire vast wealth (2x01); sorcerers using special blades to murder people (3x04), and so on.

None of this takes away from Annis’ complexity, nor does it undermine her immense humility when she accepts defeat and withdraws from Camelot. After all, much of Annis' rage and desire for vengeance stems from intense grief over Caerleon's death, so we can assume her marriage was a happy one. 

Forgiving the man who destroyed her domestic happiness (as well as leaving her people without a king) shows tremendous nobility on Annis’ part. I think Arthur sees that, for he is always humble and respectful before her. 

4- LONG LIVE THE KING 

Few people respect Arthur more than Merlin. So when he doesn’t join in with cries of “Long live the king!”, you know something is wrong. 

5- CONTROL YOUR FEAR 

Episode 4x03 has a hilarious scene where a drunk Arthur claims he isn’t even a little bit scared, because, “I’m a warrior. You learn to control your fear.” Then Arthur walks smack bang into a pillar. Never fails to make me laugh. Minus the drunkenness, Arthur was telling the truth about controlling his fear.

You can see this at least twice in this episode: first, when he sees how many men Annis has brought against Camelot, and secondly, when he sees the size of Annis’ giant. In both cases, Arthur harnesses his fear into determination, which is another sign of a great warrior. 

Next up, we have a fascinating scene where Arthur watches his men joking by the fire. It's a great way of showing Arthur’s care for these men, as well as his guilt that impending war will end their lives. In a sense, Arthur has to control his fear yet again. 

6- TRUST IN MERLIN 

After the above scene, Gwaine asks Merlin if Arthur is all right, and the fact that Merlin can describe Arthur's feelings without even questioning the King once again shows the unique nature of their friendship. Merlin sees Arthur's expression, and he just knows. And Gwaine knows that, hence why he does not question the King himself. 

Listen to the silence after Merlin's response. Nobody questions Merlin's judgement: they just reflect. Given the way Arthur has repeatedly dismissed Merlin's advance in favour of his uncle, I think he could have learned something from his own knights. 

I wonder whether the knights would ask Merlin something about Arthur in this way, whenever the king was absent. In ancient kingdoms, kings had advisers, and in order to earn the monarch's favour, you spoke to the latter first. Did Merlin ever play that role for the knights?

7- MERLIN’S IDIOCY 

Now, I have a problem with Merlin telling Arthur that 1)- he would have taken any other option but to face war with Annis, and 2)- his decision to kill Caerleon “was made in the best interests of Camelot.” 

Sorry, but it wasn’t. Merlin knows that. I understand that he has to rally Arthur’s spirits so that they can win against Annis, but I am glad that Arthur knows full well he has done wrong. Both Merlin and many fans do not give Arthur enough credit for recognising his own errors. 

However, even these foolishly optimistic statements pale in comparison to Merlin's reckless and self-righteous interference when Arthur negotiates with Queen Annis. I burst out laughing when he trips and falls headlong into the tent, a metaphor for his impetuousness.  

Merlin eavesdrops outside Annis’ tent, gets caught (so he didn't conceal himself), and then has the audacity to say, “Sorry about this!” to Arthur! Not only that, he got angry over being called a “simple-minded fool”, when he couldn’t even walk in a straight line to follow the king, got himself caught and almost killed by enemy soldiers, and made Arthur look as though he were double-crossing Annis! 

I completely agree with Arthur’s anger: “Oh, I was being kind, believe me: you almost got me killed in there!” Correct. Merlin simply could not trust that Arthur knew what he was doing, and decided to interfere. Instead of apologising for getting Arthur into trouble, Merlin remains on the defensive, claiming without evidence that Arthur was “doing a pretty good job of that yourself!” 

This is untrue. Arthur surrendered himself to Annis’ men. The most injury he received was a slap. He asked a favour. That isn’t risking your life. In fact, Arthur was trying to save lives, and if Merlin had been listening properly (or just stayed in bed), he would have seen that. Only after Merlin’s sudden entrance did Arthur face serious danger from Annis. 

Now, Merlin’s explanation for this is, “I’m your friend! I was looking out for you.” I don’t doubt it. But once again, Arthur is right: “I appreciate that in your very confused way, you’re only trying to help, but please: don’t do it again.”

Condescending? Of course. But this time it was Merlin who provoked him into this anger. 

8- MORGANA 

Despite all her power, Morgana still has to defer to non-magical kings and queens. After all, she requires their military assistance to take over Camelot. 

You can also see how Queen Annis detects Morgana’s hatred, greed, self-righteousness, hypocrisy, and bloodlust. In one glance, Queen Annis begins questioning the wisdom of working with a sorceress she does not trust, not least on account of Morgana being a sorceress. 

In fact, Arthur’s prowess as a warrior impresses her more: “You have as much to lose as I if Arthur wins…” Fascinating scene. 

9- THANK YOU, OLD FRIEND 

It’s ironic that arguably the best scene in 4x05 begins by showcasing Arthur’s cynicism. No guesses why Arthur did not tell Merlin about breaking off his relationship with Gwen earlier. That speaks volumes. If he had told Merlin, I think they would have had an argument similar to that of 4x11. 

Only when Arthur realises that he may die does he ask Merlin to pass his ring onto Gwen with an apology. You can see the guilt etched onto his face as he refuses to make eye contact. Interestingly, Merlin does not ask any further questions. 

Arthur’s entrusting Merlin to look after Gwen in the event of his death says a lot. For example, that ring is technically royal property, yet Arthur gives it to a servant for safe-keeping, rather than his next-of-kin, Agravaine. Despite claiming to need his uncle’s advice, Arthur will not trust Agravaine with such duties. Has Arthur made a medieval will or testament? Obviously, I have no idea, however, this episode already shows Arthur’s reliance on Merlin to deal with family matters. 

Another interesting aspect to this scene is Merlin’s silence after Arthur makes an indisputable point. This dispels any idea that Merlin’s advice was always correct. On several occasions, Merlin had to defer to Arthur’s judgement, because he saw the truth and wisdom behind it. “I don’t know what will happen. But for the first time since I became king, I know in my heart I’ve made the right decision.”

Got to love Arthur’s half-amused, “You’re not about to start crying on me, are you?” He expects Merlin to be either in good spirits or confident, because that is how he, too, remains confident. Arthur is an optimist, yet Merlin becomes a pessimist, so the king must pull Merlin together with light and yet serious teasing. 

Needless to say, Arthur calling Merlin “old friend” implies that they have been friends for a long time. So why do some fans still think that Arthur had trouble admitting that Merlin was his friend? Also, the word “old” in this context can imply reliability, constancy. Arthur chose that word to describe Merlin’s value, as well as the length of their friendship. 

The great thing about Arthur is that while he makes some serious errors, when he does repent, he does so well. Not only does Arthur graciously thank Merlin for his concern, but he makes it clear to Agravaine that he relies on Merlin’s judgement prior to entering battle. This supports my earlier statement that Merlin is Arthur’s best fighter, as well as right-hand man; Arthur does not leave for the fight until Merlin has confirmed his readiness. 

On top of this, Arthur later admits that he might be a cabbage head. “I should have listened to you, Merlin. Just this once, I think you were right-- even if you are the worst servant in the five kingdoms!” 

By implication, Agravaine is wrong. Arthur won’t say that, of course, but we saw Merlin’s sound advice competing with Agravaine’s lies for this entire episode. We can only conclude that regardless of what he says, Arthur trusts Merlin more than members of his own family. 

And this is a theme which will continue and grow for the remainder of Season 4. 

FURTHER POINTS:

Merlin’s fighting skills

Paradoxes of Arthur and Merlin’s friendship

[lan-xichens]

"i swear if i see one more post saying he's a himbo i'll write an essay again" pls write the essay anyway ill pay u in appreciation and xichen love

Lan Xichen is my favourite character for a good reason, but I knew this was going to be lengthy, which is why it took me so long, sorry about that!

The issue with calling him a ‘himbo’ is obviously the assumption that Lan Xichen would somehow be unintelligent or even dumb, which just isn’t true. I think it comes down to a couple of scenes in which people trip over lxc’s way of communicating, and mistake this for stupidity.

1. Defeating the Waterborne Abyss

In CQL, Wei Wuxian immediately suggests there may be a connection between the sudden emergence of evil water spirits and the spirit-snatching case, but Lan Xichen dismisses this, and tells him to focus on the night-hunt. Wei Wuxian knows he isn’t ignorant of the connection, as he remarks to Lan Wangji:

Which he is. But that is only explained later.

For now, we stay ignorant of the connection, and when Lan Wangji prods his brother for more information at the end of the episode, he receives an equally evasive answer:

This is one of the quotes I’ve seen mocked. Going by Viki subs, he says:

“I hope that it isn’t what I think it is. But if it is... we might not be able to stop it.”

Which, yes, is exceptionally vague. It could even sound as if he doesn’t know what he’s saying and he’s making something up, as I’ve seen it interpreted.

Except, of course, the show perfectly explains why Lan Xichen couldn’t tell them about the connection. In the CQL-verse, the hidden Yin Metal in Cloud Recesses is a secret only imparted to clan leaders, which Lan Xichen reveals to Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji after they have already been given that piece by Lan Yi.

And Lan Xichen readily admits this, even apologising and explaining to Lan Wangji that:

So, he had to lie. His words were empty because he couldn’t tell him the truth, and he was being vague on purpose.

2. After the Cloud Recesses are burned

Here comes my least favourite piece of meta about Lan Xichen:

“Guangyao helped wash Xichen’s clothes, because Xichen himself did not know how to wash. It was not possible to ask others to wash, because it would be dangerous if the cloud patterns were recognised. Moreover the clothes could not be thrown away or burnt.Jin Guangyao used to complain to Nie Mingjue that Lan Xichen’s arm was too strong that he tore apart his clothes while washing…
“ [from this post]

There’s nothing to say about this except that it’s very clearly the author’s sense of humour. After all, isn’t the entire start of the Wangxian relationship about trying to ruffle Lan Wangji’s feathers? It’s like, what’s the funniest thing we can do to the unflappable Twin Jades of Lan? That’s right, put them in awkward and embarrassing situations.

3. Playing Liebing

I’m only bringing this one up because I want to segue into a difference I noticed between GDC and CQL for that one scene Lan Xichen brings out Liebing to play a short tune, seemingly out of nowhere, after he’s told Wei Wuxian about Lan Wangji’s scars and the story of their parents.

In the novel, Lan Xichen discusses the morality of the decision his mother made to kill his father’s teacher, but indicates he’d rather not know the answer as to why she did it.

After a few moments of silence, Lan XiChen closed his eyes. He took out Liebing. A gust of night wind suddenly sent forth a sobbing note of the xiao. The sound was deep, like a sigh.

Wei WuXian had heard Lan XiChen play Liebing before. Its timbre was just like Lan XiChen himself, as warm and graceful as the breeze and the rain of spring. Yet, now, although his technique was as excellent as ever, the tone evoked a strange mixture of feelings. - GDC chapter 64

Realistically, it’s a bit odd to do this - but I think the text makes it quite clear he’s using music to express his conflicted emotions.

The difference with CQL is that the flute solo occurs after a different bit of conversation: it’s when he relates to Wei Wuxian that Lan Wangji suffered as much from his mother leaving him as he did Wei Wuxian, that he is as confused having grown up up being told of his mother as a criminal as he is with Wei Wuxian. It’s another desperate attempt to signal to Wei Wuxian that my younger brother loves you how can you not see that and he gives him time to think that over by playing a tune.

(okay but it’s still at least a bit funny that he ends the conversation with anyway here’s wonderwall let’s be honest)

4. Jin Guangyao’s betrayal

I’m just going to cut this short and wave in the general direction of this post by @acutebird-fics, which just excellently explains why Lan Xichen was right to be cautious in his judgement.

As for the rest: the parallels between Wei Wuxian & Lan Wangji and Jin Guangyao & Lan Xichen are very clear. After the disastrous encounter at Carp Tower, Lan Xichen asks Lan Wangji to explain what’s going on, after which Jin Guangyao’s crimes are presented.

Lan Xichen’s hesitance is only frustrating to the audience because the story is narrated from Wei Wuxian’s POV. We already know that he is innocent of the deeds he is accused of. We already trust him and his judgement, because we literally saw it on screen with our own eyes. But in spite of this, is it so difficult to accept that a character who hasn’t seen that proof comes to this conclusion?

He looked at Wei WuXian, “You trust Young Master Wei, while I trust Jin GuangYao. The fact that Brother’s head is in his hands, neither of us have seen it with our own eyes. We only believe in what another person says based on how much we know about them.”

“You think that you know about Wei WuXian, so you trust him; I think that I know about Jin GuangYao, so I trust him as well. You believe in your judgement, then am I not allowed to believe in my judgement?” - GDC chapter 63

Yes, yes you are. It’s just that the audience is miles ahead of you that this might lead to frustration. But that doesn’t mean it’s lack of judgement, or lack of intellect, because this makes complete and utter sense.

5. That other part of being a himbo

Because it’s not just about being dumb, but also about being tall and broad and buff. Usually not in the most positive of senses. If you think this, read this, then stop thinking this. It’s not very on-topic because I don’t think this connection is made by anyone, but I still want to have that out there.

In short, I don’t see why Lan Xichen is considered a himbo, and I also don’t think the joke is all that funny anymore. I’d rather see some more appreciation for this incredibly interesting and kind character ♡

[honeyymistt]

[1/2] hey, okay, it's me again. i feel like i'm treating you like an unpaid therapist but idk where to share this and how to get help (this is kinda lengthy, and i do apologise for that)

i think i'm running out of patience for myself on how to live with myself; all my favourite artists and fictional characters experience this same hollow loneliness but they just— keep going..... despite it all. i'm trying to keep busy with studying but that quickly led to an all-nighter and now i can't fall asleep despite my exhaustion. i think the goals i've had in mind for myself are too high, so i'm just going to spend the next week reading without shame or guilt and try to finally start learning russian. i don't really take care of my physical fitness bc i'm always tired and i feel like all my energy is spent on keeping in check with eating and taking care of my physical hygiene. i have so much time each day and yet at the end of the day i still feel like i did nothing even though i read and studied a lot. i just feel like i'm stagnated, still in my 16-year-old teenage mind bc i spent my youth numbing myself bc i couldn't stand my own thoughts. i havent talked to anyone really, besides my famil, in weeks, and i know loneliness is a common feeling most of us carry with us, but since i'm not very smart and don't know about a lot of things that matter, like history and art, i just feel so inadequate because all these people i look up to, and secretly aspire to be, are fundamentally different from me. they have rich inner lives even in times of despair, they know how to build their own lives in the rubble and just keep on going despite it all. i just feel like a shell of a human being (dramatic i know). i'm also aware that i'm highly privileged and don't have to worry about money and housing, etc. and i'm grateful for that but despite that I just hate myself and I wish I could be someone else and change; I've tried to over the past years but i never make any actual changes in my life? I don't want to die per se, I just don't want to keep on living like this.

[2/2] also, with the looming climate desaster and our world being ruled by capitalism i know a lot of worries and problems stem from that;;;; also i've had this very embarrassing conversation with my family a month ago; i was very drunk and ofc started talking about capitalism, etc. and lgbtq rights. they're very conservative, smart and well-read and i'm just the complete opposite— my point being, bc i feel so desperately lonely i'm trying to have these conversations with the people around me that are obviously only really meant to be had with close pals and not with 60 year olds who only care about the bootstrap theory etc. anyway my grandmother called me out on my bs and said "so what have you done in your life so far?" nothing. i shouldn't complain about other people, politics etc. and the patriarchal, white supremacist strucures around us bc i've never worked a day in my life...... it's just. i know she's right. but like i literally don't know how to hold conversations anymore and can never recall stuff i read accurately so i'm just talking shit the whole time. i'm so desperately trying to get their approval but i'm just not well-read and smart enough. i know being dumb is not the worst thing to be, i'm alive and living in a well-situated area, but it's the only thing i used to define myself with. my parents expected a lot of us as children and i couldn't deliver. so i pretty much forced them to stop pressuring me but i wish they did now. bc then i would be smart, worldly and have a bright future. i'm sorry for the long rambling. i also don't want to ruin your feed by my long asks...... anyway, if you have any advice i would be so glad to hear it. bc i feel like i'm going slightly insane. -💌 sorry for doing this <33 🤠 feel free to just delete this;;;

hi 💌-anon!!!

don't feel bad for sending this in. your long post is going to have a long answer and it ruining my feed is literally the last thing on my mind. if it bothers people, that's on them ;) similarly to the last ask you sent in, i kind of just pulled out a few things that you wrote and decided to give my perspective on it. i hope that reading some of my (very scrambled) thoughts will relax your mind and heart just a little bit. everything will be okay, i promise.

so the first thing that stood out to me was when you mentioned how all of your favorite fictional characters just keep on going when they feel lonely and i know how frustrating that can be because it's so glorified. they just keep going and then boom! things are better, right? i want you to remember that this is fiction and not an accurate representation of how hard the feeling of loneliness actually hits. so try not to compare yourself to your favorite character and beat yourself up if you're not dealing with loneliness as well as they did because everything in fiction is better and easier.

as for feeling exhausted because of the goals you've made for yourself, i know what you mean. i'm such a perfectionist and workaholic (i suffered from such bad burn out this year). i'm learning how to lower them as well. it's good to be ambitious. it's amazing to have big dreams and goals but you have to prepare yourself for setbacks and failure. so from now on, it's decided that you and me, are going to be accountability buddies. no more unrealistic goals and deadlines. i will hold you accountable, you will hold me accountable and we'll improve together 🤍

so you don't know about things like history and art and you claim that these are things that matter. but matter to who? are you genuinely intrigued by these things? if you are, then study it. read about it. ask questions. but if they just matter to your family, then i really don't think you need to know about these things extensively. it's always good to know things generally but if you aren't interested, then don't waste your time learning about it just to please others.

i could be completely wrong, but from what i understood from your message, you feel really lonely and you're starting to feel a bit stuck. you're surrounded by people who are different from you and that sometimes makes you feel suffocated because the conversations you want to have aren't wanted by others. the first thing i noticed in your message is that you repeatedly call yourself stupid or dumb. you need to stop that, okay? if you keep telling that to yourself, it will destroy a lot of opportunities for you. trust me, i know. you will turn down opportunities thinking that you're not smart enough for it but it's not true. you don't need to be smart to have a bright future. you can be creative, you can athletic, you can be selfless, you can be funny. maybe you just need to embrace who you are and trust that you will have a bright future by just being you. i'll tell you something: you don't need to be exactly like your family to have their success. you need a determination and a good work ethic. where do you start? stop underselling your intelligence. believe in yourself!!!

P.S i can tell that you're smart because your vocabulary is out of this world!!! and oh my god, can we talk about your punctuation? like bestie, you're ahead of the game. i also had to google what the bootstrap theory is. you are smarter than you give yourself credit for!!

another thing i would encourage you to do is to avoid "deep" conversations with your family. if your family is very conservative, there are going to be certain topics that they just won't understand and it might make you frustrated or feel misunderstood; it might make you feel more lonely. i would advise you to just stick to more lighthearted conversations with them. it's not that you don't know how to hold conversations, it's just that the people you're talking to aren't the right listeners.

my sweet 💌-anon, times like these are normal! we all feel lonely at times and i know it's tough and it's frustrating and you feel like nothing in your life is going to work out but i promise you, it will. the universe has it's way of doing that. if i could, i would give you the chance to see yourself the way i see you - full of potential, warm-hearted, and so so deserving of a good life filled with love, caring people and success. times are tough, but so are you. you haven't made it this far to only come this far!! remember that i'm here for you every step of the way and you can message me any time you need to. i will never delete it or ignore you. i love talking to you <3

[hoeseamatthews]

Can i request a story where the reader's stallion die and she's very sad about it because she raised that horse and she cared for him a whole lot. Like how would the gang react and what would they do?? It's my first time asking something,if you want to do it i would be really happy but if you don't like it it's okay,don't worry!! Sorry for troubling you 🤗

I’ll chuck the rest of this under a read more because it’s quite a lengthy one. I’ve laid this out as a mini paragraph per gang member kind of post rather than a full fledged fic, and I wasn’t entirely sure who to include, so I’ve just done the ‘main’ gang members.

If I’ve missed anyone’s faves and you’d like for me to add them in, please, just let me know!

The day your stallion galloped over the rainbow bridge, it broke you. You can’t help but blame yourself, either, which cuts your heart in two and rips it in three. If you hadn’t decided to take on that one job in particular, he’d never have been shot at. Those bullets would never have hit him the way they did, and he’d still be here.

You have to live with that. These things just happen, you had no control over it. It was the law who inadvertently shot him in an effort to get you instead. Those bastards. You know you can’t change what happened, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less with each passing day. Of course, your pain is apparent to those you face every day in camp, and…

Arthur understands where you’re coming from, for the most part. He may not have raised his Boadicea like you did with your stallion, but he knows first hand how it feels to lose a horse. From memory, Arthur sketches your horse for you. You’re oblivious to him doing this, too, and he’ll always keep his journal hugged close to his chest whenever you’re around to ensure you don’t get a sneak peek. When he gifts you the sketch, you cry. Happy tears, of course,and you throw yourself at him to wrap him in a hug, thanking him profusely.

Bill, Lenny, and Sean invite you to participate in a few rounds of Five Finger Fillet with them as a way of taking your mind off of things. They’d rather not talk about what’s happened, not if it risks upsetting you. You’re hesitant at first, wondering if it’s a bright idea in terms of how you’re currently feeling, but they each talk you into it. Lenny plays it safe during his turns, while Bill tries to go the fastest, raging each time he slices his finger with the knife, leaving Sean in a fit of hysterics. The laughter is infectious, and overall, it’s proven to be a great distraction.

Charles is very quick to comfort you, but not just through listening to you and offering his condolences. He doesn’t really say much besides that on the matter, anyway. With your explicit permission, he holds you through your tears, especially on the nights where you can’t fight them back any longer. He doesn’t let you go until you want him to, especially not in your time of need.

Dutch takes you away from the bustle of the camp one evening, noticing that you aren’t up for mingling that night. You’ve tried your best to hold it together, to put on a brave front, but you’re not in the mood. When you’re alone, Dutch asks you how you’re holding up after all that’s happened, and you cry. You hate that you do, but you cry, and you simply can’t stop. At this, Dutch holds you close to him before he leads you to a nearby rock to sit you down. If he’d had a blanket, he’d wrap it around you, so instead, his arms will have to suffice. He holds you, encouraging the tears, quite literally becoming your shoulder to cry on.

Hosea is one of, if not the most sympathetic out of all the gang when you lose your horse. He offers you a shoulder to cry on, which you gladly accept. He encourages you to unload your pain and sorrow rather than bottling it all up, and for the next few months, he pulls you aside almost on a daily basis to speak to you, often over a game of dominoes, just to check in and see how you’re doing on that day.

Javier takes it upon himself to cheer you up with an original song. He calls you over to sit beside the campfire with him one evening, and he notices that you’re looking worn down, telling you he has something for you. You’re bemused, but you roll with it, quirking a brow when he holds his guitar at the ready. Plucking at the strings, he begins to sing directly at you with personalised lyrics, and while he isn’t entirely sure if the song will be a hit with you or not at first, he knows it most definitely is when you gradually break out into a smile over it.

John, admittedly, isn’t the best with expressing his feelings, but he does make an effort with you, and you appreciate that. He sidles up to you one morning, noticing you’re looking tearful, and he places a somewhat awkward, yet comforting hand on your back, telling you, “I ain’t always the best with saying the right thing, but…if you need someone to talk to, I’m here for ya.”

Kieran feels for you. He really does, and while he’s skeptical about even suggesting it at first, thinking it’ll be too raw since you just lost your own horse, he enlists your help with caring for the rest of the gang’s horses. He hopes it’ll take your mind off of things, keep you from shutting yourself away while you keep both your hands and your mind occupied with grooming the horses and feeding them, and he doesn’t stop checking in on you all the while. He checks in too much, if anything, but you can’t fault him for it. To your surprise, giving him a hand with the other horses helps you out more than you’d expected it to.

Mary-Beth, Karen, and Tilly each fawn over you in their own ways. Karen is in favour of riding into the nearest town, hitting the saloon, and getting a drink, but you shoot that idea down. You don’t think it’s the best idea, especially not now. The other two girls console you, and eventually, Karen joins in, attempting to cheer you up before they encourage you to think about all the good times you had with your horse, which leads to you essentially telling them his life story. They don’t mind, though. Not one bit.

Micah, initially, is the least sympathetic. By far. He merely tells you “You’ll find another horse. That’s the way things go, sweetheart. Get used to it.” at first, but upon reflection, he places himself in your boots. It hits him that if he lost Baylock, he’d most likely feel equally as terrible as you do right now. That horse is his boy. Much to your surprise, he finds you, and he promptly apologises, giving you his word that he won’t speak of the matter so callously again.

Pearson, without fail, always makes sure to set a bowl of stew aside for you when it’s ready, and he’ll even enlist your help with preparing the stew. He uses this time to check in on you, asking if you’ve been eating properly, how you’ve been feeling, and so on. Don’t go telling anybody else, but he sneakily gives you that little bit extra to eat, just so he knows you’re well fed.

Sadie is no a stranger to loss. Your loss doesn’t quite compare to her experience of it, but nonetheless, she can still sympathise. Perhaps it’s partly her not liking seeing you look so glum, but she noticeably softens up around you, becoming protective of you, even offering to personally track down the bastards responsible. You reject this, of course. It won’t bring your horse back, but you know that she means well.

Susan makes sure you’ve washed and that you’re taking care of yourself in general. You half expect her to give you tough love, to tell you to “Quit mopin’ around and do your chores!”, but she doesn’t. Not in that manner, at least. She does, however, encourage you to help around camp, insisting that you’ll feel better if you help around camp, and she isn’t wrong.

[benjaminsblog]

Back to the Future

I don’t use Facebook very much these days, but my undisputed favourite part of it is the ‘On This Day’ feature, which digs up anything/everything you posted in previous years on...y’know...this day..and I’m a sucker for a trip down memory lane.

Some of the earlier posts are especially wince-inducing (and have since been erased from existence), but every so often a gem pops up that I’d forgotten about. Normally it is a blog post, as that is pretty much the only thing I put on the Book of Face these days, and today’s collection of nostalgia featured one entry in particular.

5 years ago - on this day - 24-year-old me was very bored, so he wrote a letter to 29-year-old me, outlining some hopes and goals to be achieved in the ensuing five year period. My “younger, better-looking, dumber self” suggested I write back with details of my progress, and as writing topics are currently in short supply, I gladly took him up on his offer. The link below is the full OG post, but I understand if you are only in the mood for one lengthy, self-indulgent blog post:

My previous letter

And here is my reply:

Dear Master Cook,

Thanks for your letter, I enjoyed reading through it even though the tone was a little demanding. I would recommend you do something about that in future letters, but what would be the point?! I’m glad you’ve given me something to do, as I’m currently holed up in my flat most of the time, due to the coronavirus outbreak. That reminds me, you may want to stock up on loo roll now - I know it sounds strange, just trust me.

In response to your first question, I am not often in a position to be asked for ID, but I can say that the record stands at 27 years old, which I say is a damn good effort! I’ve been joking about my impending 30th since, well, since I was your age, but in all honesty I don’t think I care. I feel like a ‘young 30′, if such a thing exists - partly because I still feel fairly youthful and energetic, and partly because I took a while to get going in my quest to become an adult. Having said that, I think you’ll be pleased with my progress.

Your summarised list read as follows:

Your own place

Better volleys

Enjoyable job

Go travellin’

Keep in contact with friends

Ladyfriend

Car?

You didn’t specify it as a target, but at the time of writing we were about halfway through our degree, and I did indeed pass with a 2:1 as you’d hoped. This was no mean feat and I think you deserve some credit for that! I didn’t quite end up in a graphic design field, but I am most definitely in a job I enjoy, and have some nice colleagues. You haven’t even started working at Asda yet, which made me smile! It won’t always make you smile, but there are some lovely people there, too, and they throw you a nice leaving do (bring a spare change of clothes). 

These days I am a sports graphics operator, and still pinch myself sometimes that I’ve wound up here; I work at live sports events, and have already had the pleasure of attending a number of prestigious tournaments - my very first OB (outside broadcast) was an FA Cup semi-final at Wembley, which was pretty special. An added bonus is that our work is not confined to these shores, and as a result I have made huge inroads into my travellin’ itinerary - Ireland, Scotland, and New York have been ticked off your starter list, and I have also visited South Africa, Germany and Japan in less than a year on the job! Italy and Canada are highest on my list now, and had it not been for COVID-19, I would have had those both ticked off by the end of this year. 

After graduation, I spent a couple of years in a flat with Will, your fellow graphic design classmate; I’m not sure if you’ve gotten used to his distinctive behaviour by now, but bear with it, it gets more tolerable (sort of). More recently, I moved into my first solo space when I got this job to be close to the office, and on the whole I’m very pleased with it - though I will admit to occasionally missing some immediate company, even if it came in the shape of strangled noises and shouts from the other room. Another benefit is that work covers travel expenses, so I am less desperate for a car nowadays. Getting home is also easier, and given that you added a ‘?’ to it, I guess this was more of a ‘it would be nice to have it’ kinda thing.

Aside from Will, I have kept in contact with a number of people from Uni, though I will confess that most of it is through Facebook, which I know you told me was not acceptable. In my defence, I did spend two weeks with one of them in Japan, so I think that evens it out a little. I do make use of another Facebook feature - the ‘friendaversary’ - and use them as a reason to send a message to people and ask how they’re doing. On top of that, I also had a girlfriend - yes, really - and even though that sentence reads ‘had’, I think there was a lot to be proud of. Do me a favour and start watching ice hockey now...and remove Blade Runner from your list of movies to watch.

I will admit that the biggest failing on this list has been the tennis, recently, at least. I played regularly in Portsmouth right up until I left (I won’t spoil the ending for you), but since then, court time has been hard to come by. I did find a tennis club in my area not too long ago, but only managed a couple of sessions before lockdown happened. I haven’t yet had any lessons, but I would hope my volleys are a little better than yours, given the copious amounts of doubles you will soon be playing.

There you go, an update 5 years in the making. I would apologise for making it so long, but we both know you’re gonna love reading through it all, even if no one else does! I’m not setting 34-year-old me any targets for the time being, but you can rest easy knowing that I’m in a pretty good place, having ticked off about 80% of the tasks you set me (Mum would probably say that I haven’t changed that much!). I’m sitting in the living room of my flat in my comfy chair - get yourself a bloody sofa! - and as chance would have it, it is also Friday today, so I will sign off in the same way you did, and wish the best for the next 5 years.

Happy Friday!

Your older, wrinklier, wiser self,

Benjamin James Cook

[imissthefire]

Tell Me It’s Real

I posted this a while ago on AO3, but am reposting here because not everyone goes on AO3 and yeah, that’s a thing. 

This fic takes place just shy of a year after the end of QOAAD. Another thing I'd like to note: this is loosely based on Seafret's song of the same name (and by loosely based, I mean I listened to that song like 80 times and got inspired to write this fic) and I would recommend listening to it at some point!

fic is below the cut! 

          The triad lay together in Kieran’s bed. The cottage always felt empty when he was alone, awaiting his loves. Mark and Cristina were constantly busy with the alliance, and Kieran with the Court. It had been a lengthy break since the three had been united, and they basked in every second that they had together.

          Fortunately, Mark and Cristina were able to arrange for time where they could take a short leave from the alliance. They had finally gotten a stronger structure established, and all the busy work was beginning to settle into smaller tasks—setting a fight between some Fae here, aiding a werewolf or two there—and they could finally take time to themselves.

          Kieran, on the other hand, never could have a break. He was overwhelmed by more and more royal duties, even the occasional invitation to revels and events that he had no interest in attending. Life felt lonely without his loves, and he was getting lost in his mind.

          When he and Mark had been in the Hunt, the only escape from their minds they had were each other. Kieran knew he couldn’t blame Mark for being away when he was, but he felt a deep sadness when they were separated. And now with Cristina, every time he felt an ache, his mind demanded her touch. She had been a comfort to him ever since he laid his eyes on her. When Kieran had the two of them by his side, he felt indestructible.

          But as of late, his mind was wandering. Do they truly love me? What if they must leave? Am I too much? Perhaps not enough? The thoughts would play through his mind when he tried to sleep. He knew that bags had begun to form under his eyes—something scarcely appearing in the features of a faery—he knew that his mind was going somewhere he did not like.

          And now that they were all together at last, Kieran had thought his mind would be at ease; but this was not the case. Despite the comfort that they brought to him, he remained restless and laid awake.

          What if this isn’t real, he contemplated, what if none of this is real? He looked to Mark, fast asleep beside him, his golden locks framing his angelic face. He then to Cristina on his other side; he had an arm around her, her head was resting on his shoulder, and her arm was slung across his torso. I ought to be happy, he thought to himself, I have everything I could ever need in my life.

          Mark stirred beside him, his brows furrowing as though he were deep in thought. Kieran felt Mark’s legs twitch, something that he had grown accustomed to. Mark was and had always been a restless sleeper—at least as far as he was aware. He had gotten used to Mark thrashing in his sleep for the first months they shared together. It took a considerable amount of time before he would settle, and sleep without waking up screaming for his family.

         The love Mark had for his family, and the love they had for him was something Kieran had secretly always felt an underlying envy for. No one in his family loved him. His father gave him away to the Wild Hunt because he felt threatened by him. Kieran didn’t choose to be kind to his people; he simply saw someone in need, and gave them what they required. It was nothing hard to understand, and yet he would always be punished for it.

         He built a fortress in his mind, somewhere he would retreat to during lashings, and beatings from his brothers, and father. He never wanted to go back to that place, but during the past weeks, his mind was beginning to retreat. He had the same thing happen when he entered the Hunt. His mind locked itself up, protecting himself from the frailty of his emotions. Kieran swore when he was cast out of the Courts that he would never return—there was never supposed to be a way to anyway. But he also swore that he would never feel love for anyone. He had only loved one being, and that had been his birth mother. She had been kind to him, she taught him what it was like to be loved and cared for. Even though he was a child, he still cherished the memories of her. He remembered when his father tore him away from her, he remembers hearing that she had been killed, remembers being taunted by his brothers for growing up weak. He never wanted to love because he never wanted to feel the pain of losing the love he gave so fiercely.

         But then he was given away to the Hunt as though he were a pawn in a game he never asked to play. He fell in love with the blond angelic boy that was Mark—his Mark. Even though it took time before they ever so much as spoke, he would always be sure that he knew Mark was safe. Kieran slowly would make sure he set up camp closer and closer to Mark each night until eventually they set up together, sleeping side by side. It was at that point he told Mark about his mind, about his mental fortress, and then learned about Mark’s. He felt an understanding that he had never felt before from anyone. He felt loved for the first time since his childhood, and he felt grateful that he had someone who truly cared for him. He felt as though he truly had something in his life that was right for once—as though he could believe that he was needed.

         Even years after, Kieran could still remember Mark waking up, tears in his eyes, yelling out for his brothers, his sisters—even his parents sometimes—and he remembers taking Mark in his arms, whispering it isn’t real, none of this is real. One night, after many of staying side by side, he looked into his eyes, glassy from unshed tears, asking if he was real, if Kieran was truly there and he wasn’t in a cruel dream. That had been the first time that they kissed, the first time he felt a spark of what was soon to become a love that burned with the intensity of wildfire.

         “Are you in the fortress again?” Kieran nearly jumped, unaware Mark had awoken. “Kier?” Mark reached a hand from under the soft blankets to touch the king’s face.

         Kieran closed his eyes, leaning into Mark’s touch, “you know me well, my love,” he spoke softly, hoping not to awaken Cristina. “I cannot handle it all on my own,” he confessed, shame lacing into his words.

         Mark leaned forward, planting a gentle kiss on his cheek. “You can,” he slid his hand from Kieran’s cheek to his jawline, tracing it to his chin, “you just need time to adjust.”

         “We will figure it out,” it was Cristina, suddenly joining the conversation.

         “I’m sorry to have woken you, Lady of Roses,” Kieran apologised.

         Cristina shook her head, a quiet laugh escaping her—she always loved when he called her that. “Kieran, I could feel your heartbeat, I knew you weren’t sleeping before—and if you were, it was not well—but I didn’t want to bother you,” she confessed, biting at her bottom lip.

         “Have you been awake this whole time?” he asked, curious.

         She simply nodded in reply, “I thought you may have needed time to yourself.”

         Kieran shook his head, “I’ve had far too much of that,” he stated, poison in his words.

         Cristina and Mark both looked at each other from across the bed, shock visible in their faces. Before they could react, Kieran pushed himself up into a sitting position. He drew his knees into his chest and leaned his head to rest on them. “I shouldn’t be like this.” Kieran shook his head, the tone in his voice undetectable. “I understand if you must leave me behind.”

         Mark and Cristina both sprang up, their eyes filled with concern. “Kier, why would you say that?” Mark asked, distress evident in his voice.

         His voice shook as he tried to speak, “what if you cannot return?”

         Pain struck Cristina’s heart. The words were coming from nowhere, she was beginning to fear that she had done something wrong. Though they had only been together for just short of a year, she couldn’t imagine a life without Kieran. Even though her and Mark were fine as a pair, Kieran was a missing piece that completed them. She wouldn’t be able to have one without the other. If they couldn’t return, then she would find a way so that they would never have to leave in the first place.

         It took a moment before anyone spoke, but Mark’s words broke the silence “then we don’t return.” He stated it as if it were a simple fact.

         Kieran looked up at Mark, furious. “Then why taunt me by being here?” he begged, his eyes spilling over with a small but steady trail of tears. “Why did you come when you do not wish to be here?”

         “I never said I did not want to be here.” Mark’s tone was steady still. “If we cannot return, we will not return,” sensing Kieran was about to interject, Mark raised a hand to silence him, “if we cannot return, we will remain here. We will fight to stay every day. If we cannot stay, we will find a way to take you with us.”

         “You say this like is it so simple,” Kieran put his head in his hands, “if I could leave with you, I would have already.” He dropped his hand and bowed his head, his forehead meeting his knees again.

         “Kieran,” Cristina put a hand on his shoulder. She was sitting in front of him on her knees, her brows knit together in worry. “I love you—we love you—and love finds a way.”

Kieran’s voice was barely above a whisper when he spoke again: “what if this cannot? What if we cannot? What if this cannot be a reality?”

         Mark put an arm around Kieran’s shoulders, pulling him into his side. “This is real,” he whispered to him, “every part of this is real,” he grabbed Cristina’s other hand, fully connecting the three of them together.

         Kieran had looked up, his bicoloured eyes glassy. “Then tell me again,” he said, his voice weak. “Tell me it’s real.”

         Cristina leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, “this is real.” She traced her lips from his cheek to his lips, “this love is real,” she spoke softly as she pressed her lips to his.

         Mark leaned into Kieran, kissing his jawbone. He traced a trail of kisses to his collarbone, sucking gently. Kieran let out a low moan, a hand lacing into Mark’s hair as his lips moved against Cristina’s.

         It seemed strange for a moment to Kieran: kisses and touches could mean nothing to some, but from them, he knew that they were promises—promises that whispered we’re real, this is real, we will stay, and we love you.

         They had rearranged themselves, Mark had pulled Kieran into his lap, kissing the back of his neck and shoulders, and Cristina sat facing Kieran, her legs straddling his. He leaned back, turning so his lips met Mark’s. Cristina remained seated on Kieran, her gaze intent on watching her boys. She still had found a fascination and adoration in watching the pair of them. She knew it was the same for all of them. To watch one with the other was always something they all found intriguing, not only in a romantic way, but in a curious way too.

         Kieran broke away from his loves, out of breath and disheveled. His eyes were wild, his heart was beating faster, and he looked back and forth at the other two. His heart felt happy. He was engulfed in love and admiration by his Nephilim, he was feeling his mind clearing. The simple presence of them brought him out of the fortress of his mind, the wordless promises whispered between kisses made him forget about it.

         Life felt surreal, when he was with Mark and Cristina, he finally felt a sense of belonging. He felt loved, he felt cared for. Even though he was the King of the Unseelie Courts—even though he was important to the fate of his people—he only ever wanted to be important to these two.

         The triad’s gazes met and went to the next, Mark wrapping his arms around him and Cristina. Cristina repeated the same, enclosing her arms around Kieran and Mark to the best of her abilities, holding them together tight. He wished he could stay there forever, entrapped by the loves of his life. He knew that Kinghood would bring him complicated conflicts, but he realised that it would be nothing that he couldn’t get through when surrounded by those he loved so fiercely.

         Kieran opened his mouth to speak, his voice soft as though his words were glass and anything louder could shatter the promise he held when he said: “I love you.”

         The pair echoed him, their voices laced with just as much promise and delicateness.

         “I love you.”

         “I love you.”

[anahera-sdm]

Hotel Del Luna (2019) Thoughts

Warning: will contain spoilers. I suggest you watch the drama first to relate with what I’m talking about because it will be messy.

Disclaimer: Everything written only reflects my own thoughts. There’s a possibility of incoherence. Forgive me, sometimes my brain is all over the place.

Ever since IU was announced as a main lead for this drama, I have been looking forward to it. I have enjoyed IU’s other dramas especially her most recent one in Netflix - Persona. Yeo Jin goo is an actor I like but the last drama of his that I was able to finish (and barely at that) was Orange Marmalade (2015). I couldn’t get into his next dramas after that and ended up dropping them. 

After seeing the plot and the fantasy tag (I always have a soft spot for fantasy dramas), as much as I enjoyed and looked forward to new episodes of its predecessor, Arthdal Chronicles, I also could not wait for it to start. 

Additional warning: Everything is all over the place and this is going to be a lengthy post. I wrote everything that I wanted to talk about right after watching the subbed version of the last episode but there is no proper structure. I apologise in advance if you decide to read everything.

I don’t even know where I should start. The Hong Sisters really did well with this drama - the years spent on it was worth it. That ending was, I can’t believe I’m saying this but I was so satisfied even though they didn’t spend much time together in this life. I was expecting a bittersweet ending when the drama started anyway. I loved the ending and that reincarnation scene (although it is not definite but just an ‘eventually, it will end up that way’ scene) was everything to me. I don’t know why but I loved how they didn’t try to extend Man Wol’s time with Chan Seong (example, releasing her from the hotel and making her human again). It was enough for me because Man Wol also spent enough time suffering. Her time with Chan Seong, although brief, was good enough because she experienced the love she needed and she gets sent off full of it.  

That twist at the end though, how Chan Seong was chosen by Mago - I’m crying. Chan Seong was definitely a reincarnation of someone from her past. They were actually acquainted during Man Wol’s childhood - and he was the one who introduced her to the guesthouse of the moon. 

So now, let’s go to the other parts I really wanna talk about.

One of the reasons why I got hooked and invested with Hotel Del Luna was the fact the way they executed the comical elements despite the horror and drama tags. Additionally, the music and the CGI were really well done. The soundtrack really gets me.

The other reasons, well, IU can really pull off Jang Man Wol - a protagonist who can be ruthless, has a slightly bitchy attitude, crooked (but her actions can be justified) and holds a deep resentment. Yet, she has her cute sides too; all the Kim Joon Hyun moments were a sight to see (her obsession for the restaurants he’s been to, enjoyed it! Later we find out her obsession to find good restaurants were actually influenced by Chan Seong who went to the past! Mind blown!). And her fighting scenes were so cool. IU’s eyes are really expressive in my eyes - 

Appreciate.

I love how despite being crude in her ways when it comes to dealing with the grudges of the souls she’s helping, there is an underlying meaning to it - example, Hyun Joong being able to graduate because of the money donated by his friend. And, I can’t blame her for loving money and wealth. After all, that was what she didn’t have when she was living. I have to add that one of the things I look forward to every episode was IU’s outfit changes. She looks so good in everything! [I actually couldn’t stop myself from buying some of the stuff she wore. Hold your horses, I can only afford the cheap ones like the earrings and hair clips from Get Me Bling that she wore. And I wanna do a face palm because I accidentally bought 2 sets for one of her earrings so now I’m like, what do I do with this?]

The bickering between the leads together with that comical/mischievous soundtrack, pure gold. It’s easily one of my favourite moments. It’s just really funny how sometimes Jang Man Wol is left without words because Chan Seong is right.

The more I watch this gif tho, it starts to look weirder to look at so don't watch it more than 10 times.

I also like how they dealt with Man Wol’s back story - not giving the viewers everything in just one episode. Instead, it was spliced and distributed nicely throughout. Oh but gods, I was a wreck when everything was laid down - Chung Myung’s sacrifice... I just can’t. And how he was with her as a firefly since the beginning... My heart... I actually forgot that scene from the beginning until they showed it again. I though it was just an artistic shot. I actually wanted Man Wol to go with him to the afterlife when it was finally time for him to go. When she escorted him, I wanted her to walk with him during that moment. But at the same time, I can see that there was only a one-sided love left between them because Man Wol spent so many years resenting him that there was no love left. When she finally learned the truth, the only thing left in her was forgiveness and that was the only thing she can offer. The CGI on the bridge to the afterlife though, the aesthetic, props to the CGI team.

Can I just talk about how the actor grew on me? Like, omg, I’m now looking forward to any drama he’s going to be on. [Note: I have since seen him in a new drama, The Great Show (I was watching it because of Lee Sunbin (one of my favourite actresses)) and he’s the teen version of the male lead! I screamed when I saw him.] I should check him out on his previous dramas but when I saw the list of dramas, I don’t think I’ll get into them yet.

Help my heart, their story is so sad.

Helping Kim Seonbi /Kim Si Ik solve his grudge was really fun to watch. And the ‘fact’ that he was the writer of those stories almost all Koreans know, what a twist. Man Wol really cared for him despite not showing it to him - how she tried to find a way to solve his grudge and how she cried after he finally left. 

Choi Seo hee’s story was an unfortunate one but it added more flavour to the already flavourful drama. Those who value family ties or still have crooked views when it comes to family lineage will resonate with her story and perhaps have a change of heart.

Hyun Joong; I love how they gave more depth to his story. That it was not only because of his sister that he was staying as a hotel staff but deep inside there was a resentment. When they wrapped his story up, all I can do was to smile wistfully. His story arc with Yuna was a great addition despite their bittersweet goodbye.

The Sanchez story arc; I... I... He was such a fun character and a good friend to Chan Seong. I sincerely thought they were going to get rid of his character when he went overseas to oversee the funeral of his girlfriend. But we got him back and see another side to him - a rather relatable side where if one loses a loved one, they would find ways to reconnect or hold on to any sliver of hope that they’ll be able to once more be able to talk to them or give them something. Probably, not making sense anymore, but if you’ve lost a loved one before, you’ll get what I'm talking about. After finally getting over it, well, he was not the same Sanchez after that but there was growth in his character.

Mira and Young soo. A twist of fate, these two. Enemies in the past life but became lovers in their current life. Their bitter fates became sweeter this time around. I can't entirely hate on Mira’s past life because her next lives were spent repenting (although it wasn’t shown). Her currently life was finally rewarded, if you can call being with Young soo in her current life a reward. I kept on thinking Mira was just like Chan Seong (not a rich person) but I was so surprised to learn her parents were kimchi factory owners and that Young Soo ate those kimchi since young. 

Mago - easily my favourite character. Wait, characters. Because of how many personalities/sisters she has. Really have to give mad props to the actress. She is just so good. Probably my favourite sister has to be the pink sister and then the eldest. It was so funny when they were having a meeting discussing about the new hotel owner and mentioned the ‘poor’ sister still stuck in Joseon dynasty.

Ah, the cameos in this drama. I can’t not cover that.The amount of cameo is just, whoa! This drama is so rich with it. Some really memorable ones to me are: Kim Won hae (as a corrupt mayor), Lee Joon Gi (as an exorcist; Park Il Do hahah, The Guest feels (I ought to make a post on my thoughts about this drama soon); can’t forget the Scarlet Heart feels too), Lee Si Eon (as an astronaut; I couldn't help laugh at the scene), Lee Yi-kyung (as an actor who can’t really act; Waikiki feels!), Kim Joon Hyun (as himself; I screamed because the first few scenes didn't show his face), Park Jin Joo (as an imaginary spirit), Sulli (as the granddaughter of Chairman Wang), Nam Da reum(as a water deity; I really don’t like the fact he’s younger than me; kidding. He’s a talented kid.) Hwang Young Hee (as IU’s previous manager; she’s a really good actress) and Kim Soo Hyun (as the new owner of the hotel; He renamed it Hotel Blue Moon. I’m telling you, I hyperventilated when his scene came. Such a good way to end the drama - at least for me. Hotel Blue Moon as a drama please!)

For the last episode, I wanted to watch it during the actual broadcast time but I actually calculated the time wrongly (thinking I'm 4 hours ahead but actually just 3 hours; good thing I checked the site). I missed the first 25 mins of the actual broadcast. But I eventually re-watched it with subs and came to write this post). I can only understand roughly 80-85% of the dialogue for the raw version but even then, I was bawling - all the goodbyes; it was so sad but so satisfying at the same time because they were sent off really well. From Kim Seonbi’s to Choi Seohee’s. Painful to see the goodbyes but also very heartwarming; how they finally come to resolve their resentments, came to realizations and tied up loose ends - it was so beautiful. The relationship between the Hotel crew was just so precious - Jang Man Wol crying as she realises how she’ll miss them. Feels. Feels. Feels. 

Overall, I learned so many things in this drama and came to certain realisations such as treasuring the time you have with others, don’t take it for granted. One day, when the time to say goodbye comes, you won’t regret anything. Also, even the people who did bad things in their life can have the chance to live a better one in the next once they have paid for those wrongdoings.

This drama was a perfect blend of comedy, drama, horror, fantasy, romance. In terms of food, it satisfied my cravings. Watching this drama was one of the best things that I did this year. As much as I want to talk more about this drama and cover more areas, I should stop here. All in all, I would say, I really loved this drama. I’ll definitely go back to watching this when I have nothing else to watch. P.S. I ought to make a Jang Man Wol inspired look but when I tried, I failed. 

I’ll miss you, Jang Man Wol-ssi.

Rating: 10 / 10

Re-watch value : 10 / 10

Soundtrack : 10 / 10

[baddieromanova]

Why do you attack and hate people just because they don’t like Falice?

This is my first ever anon message? Okay, I normally dismiss questions like these but since it’s my first I’ll oblige:

Anon, I don’t hate and attack people for disliking Falice. I mean, if my rants and posts on social media come off that way then all I can do is apologise I guess because that’s not my intention at all but honestly I don’t give a fuck if people don’t like Falice or don’t ship them, I follow plenty of people in the fandom who don’t, we all have our likes and dislikes and ship preferences and that’s fine, what matter’s is that we’re all part of this wacky fandom together for a show we watch and simultaneously wish to get cancelled. 

Now onto my actual issues; I have an issue with Falice anti’s who’s reasons for hating Falice are beyond transparent, problematic or utter bullshit, because one thing in fandoms I absolutely hate is people going out of their way to sound deep and intellectual and listing off reasons (Which isn’t a problem, we all do it) to explain why they hate a ship when in actuality, it’s really a vague, shallow or simple reason behind their disdain and if it’s not that, they’re bordering into blatant hypocrisy or just being all around fake. Allow me to explain some examples of this I’ve seen in the fandom;

1) Suddenly Gladys, a character we knew very little about for 2 whole seasons, other than the fact that she was Jughead’s mother and left her alcoholic husband because he wouldn’t get his shit together, all of a sudden has tonnes of stans and she hasn’t even appeared on screen yet. She had stans before we even knew who was playing her, and who are the very people stanning her? Take a wild guess. Only the very sub section of the fandom who spent the whole of last season bashing her for neglecting Jughead. But of course, now that Falice is happening they’ve jumped aboard the team Gladys train, not because they genuinely like her, but in the hopes that she’ll get in between Alice and FP. I mean, if they wanna stan her then great but I don’t wanna see complaints when she’s written out or killed off, seeing as she’s only being introduced to start up some Falice angst, just saying. These same people have also started a campaign against FP and Alice calling them out as bad parents. This makes me laugh because where was this energy back in early season one when FP and Alice’s parenting skills should have been questioned? That season was definitely not their peak but I think we can all agree they’ve improved vastly in the parenting department since then but back to my point. It’s almost like the lack of Falice back then had something to do with their silence on parenting skills, but maybe that’s just a coincidence 

2) A lot of Falice anti’s genuinely see Hal/ Halice as a better alternative, which it isn’t. Falice has it’s problems, with FP’s alcoholism and both of their marriages still being legal and all, but honestly what fictional ship doesn’t? And fandoms are always gonna find something problematic in a ship they don’t like, but Falice are by far miles better than H/lice, this isn’t even an opinion it’s a fact. First there’s the obvious, Hal is a serial killer who tried to kill Alice and their daughter which kind of trumps every problem with Falice, but even if you take the ridiculous Black Hood scenario out of the equation and pretend that plot never happened, Hal and his marriage to Alice was/is still very problematic. There was never any chemistry between them, not much love either, they always just stuck out to me as that one lame middle aged white couple in TV dramas who seem “perfect” to everybody in town but behind closed doors it’s a different story and have spent so much time being more concerned with keeping up their white picket fence facade that they have yet to realise they don’t actually love each other, mainly because the woman knows she should have married somebody else and is still in love with somebody else, which is exactly the case for H/lice and Falice

On top of that, Hal is kind of a scumbag, even before the Black Hood plot he was a dick and radiated small dick energy 24/7. I’m not going to list all the reasons here, this post is already much longer than I intended so I’m just going to add a link to one of my anti Hal posts (X). Do I think Hal and Alice cared for each other at one point? Of course but do I ever think they were in love? Hell no. Alice saw him as a ticket out of the Southside to a better life for herself and Hal saw her as a bad girl he had a hard on for, that he could tame. If people see that as love, then I don’t know what to tell them. I mean if you hate Falice then whatever but to continue to ship Alice with Hal? Come on, at least ship her with Fred or Hermione before jumping aboard the H/lice ship

3) I’ve actually seen people who spent the whole of season two wishing for Josie and Sierra to be killed off or written out and have attacked them for breathing, conveniently stan Josie this season and demand for Josie/Ashleigh to get more screen time “because she deserves it more than Falice” (She does deserve more screen time and better treatment in general but that’s another argument for another day) and make stupid Falice and Tierra comparisons as if only one Parentdale couple can exist. And they’ve done this all just to have a dig at Falice not because they care about the Tierra ship or are tired of the only dark skin black girl being used as a prop for a bunch of white character’s storylines, never having any storylines of her own and being relegated to a human radio almost every episode. How pathetic can you get? Like, don’t piss in my ear and tell me it’s rain. Fuck outta here with your faux concern

4) I’ve seen multiple lengthy posts highlighting how “damaging” the Falice coupling is FP and Alice’s characterisation and development in general which is bullshit. The minute Alice removed Hal out of her life she became a better mother and a decent person, she was more caring and began putting her daughter’s first, over keeping up a facade for the town, she was no longer the cold heartless cow she was in earlier episodes who was putting on the perfect Stepford wife with the perfect suburban family performance and prioritising how the town saw her and her family over her daughter’s needs. As for FP’s character development and characterisation, he changed his life around for the better for his son because he wanted to do right by him. He quit drinking, got a job, attended AA, quit the Serpents and sternly said he was done with gang life (Yes we all know how that actually turned out but it’s the attempt that matters here and take the circumstances into consideration) and actually began to parent Jughead. It was a far cry from what we were introduced to in season one where we he was drinking his breakfast, lunch and dinner, deep into gang life and appeared to not give a rat’s ass that his son was sleeping on the streets. 

There’s nothing wrong with having a simple or vague reason for not liking a ship, absolutely nothing at all, there’s no need to type out utter bullshit to defend your hatred for a couple. For instance, I don’t like B/ghead because they’re overrated and Roberto’s obsession with them is slowly but surely damaging the show. That’s it! You won’t see me writing lengthy think piece’s on why I hate that ship despite all the problematic aspects within the couple that I do see because I could honestly forgive and dismiss all of it if B/ghead was not constantly shoved down our throats. They would just be a ship I didn’t care about. FP and Alice’s relationship had nothing to do with their development as people/parents or their characterisation, it hasn’t regressed them in any way, shape or form seeing as they changed for the better and became much better characters before their relationship began to blossom. So all of this talk of how their relationship has ruined them as people makes me laugh. Unless I’m mistaken, FP is still showing clear character progression. Alice was also showing clear character progression towards the end of season two, we’re going to exclude the cult story line from this discussion because while it has changed Alice’s character, the Alice we know and love will return to us soon and the Falice relationship still had nothing to do with that, but if these same individuals want someone or some ship to blame for Alice’s involvement with this cult, they should actually look closer to home.

5) Linked to #2 and #4. They also claim to dislike Falice for a myriad of reasons they think are deep when in reality they just hate Falice because it interrupted their already on the verge of dying ship or crackships that involve Alice and FP and won’t (and never will) happen. I don’t like to shit on people’s shipping preferences, I’ve been on the receiving end of that shitty behaviour in fandoms and even the people working on the show before and you really can’t help who you ship at the end of the day but one thing I’ve learnt from that experience is when to give up, admit defeat and accept that your favoured ship isn’t, never will be and never was a priority to the writing crew and show runner and move the hell on. Granted I moved on from that show a little too late but what matters is I did it. I abandoned the show, fandom, cast and never looked back and felt better already because trust me, that shit takes a toll on your mental and emotional state and I was going off the deep end so it’s a good thing I left that show and fandom for good. This would’ve been the case if I shipped H/lice, the minute I fell for them would’ve been the minute I told myself not to get too invested and prepare for heartbreak because it was clear from the get go that H/lice was not a couple the writers had interest in developing or writing well. Like I said prior, they were another typical suburban couple keeping up a facade for their neighbours but deep down didn’t actually love each other and they would’ve divorced eventually and had Lochlyn written out of the show, not only because Hal and Alice didn’t love each other but also because it’s clear that for each of the teens, the writers for some reason only want one parent around for each of them, for the boys it’s their father’s and for the girls it’s their mothers (Hiram’s a different case because he’s a villain but he’ll be killed off eventually). People say the Black Hood story line was only introduced to get Hal out of the way to make room for Falice but I guarantee you, if he wasn’t the Black Hood he would’ve definitely been one of his victims. The Riverdale writers would have gone down the route of having Hal killed off because it would’ve allowed them to put Betty at the centre of the story line, something they like to do constantly but that’s also another argument for another day. If H/lice shippers had realised that and accepted it, they wouldn’t be in the predicament they’re in right now

6) People re write canon and the established history on the show and between the parents to fit their delusions and beliefs and it’s just creepy. I get coming up with theories and trying to make sense of something but there’s a fine line between theories, head-canons and refusing to accept the truth or facts. Take Charles’ paternity for instance, that’s caused up quite a stir within the fandom in general. For some reason, for the longest time people struggled with the fact that FP was the father of the baby Alice had in high school, some people still struggle with this unfortunately. 

Now, I’d understand refusal to accept FP as the father or seeing this plot being a retcon or rushed or even being a little thrown off by it, IF IT WASN’T FUCKING ESTABLISHED IN SEASON ONE, WHICH IT WAS. This is why don’t understand all the debates on Charles’ paternity. The very first Falice interaction had clear implications that the two had a sexual/romantic history and we found out two episodes prior that Alice fell pregnant as a teenager, yet people can’t do the math.

[light-of-being]

05.02.19 (treading tentatively forward)

Today was good. Long, exhausting, but good.

Last year was really hard for me and I spent pretty much all of it in survival mode, which is kind of just a sad way to live and was bad for my academics, leadership roles, etc, although I accept that there was no other way at the time. I can confidently say that I’m probably a lot better at coping now than I was before. But I wanted to take a more proactive approach this year -- to live more...intentionally, so to speak. To kinda build a life beyond just survival.

My main concerns were around energy and being able to do this without just collapsing entirely. I find it hard to imagine successfully sustaining studies, health and household tasks simultaneously. But perhaps I’m just being excessively miserly with my energy and I should just allow myself to be tired, to do things beyond the point of exhaustion, and then rest. I’ve been afraid that the rest wouldn’t help, that the exhaustion would become paralysing, as it often has. But the truth is, I haven’t allowed myself to reach that point in a long time because I’ve been afraid, so I don’t actually know whether that still holds at all. I might just be able to be achy and tired, get a really good sleep, and then get up and live another full day. I’m going to experiment with that, let’s see how that goes.

I got books from the library last week, but I didn’t get very far with reading them (probably coz they were slightly dense and not-so-slightly boring and depressing). So I returned those today, and got new ones that I’m actually excited about, intend to, and actually expect to read. I made deliberate efforts to pick out those that are accessible and/or noncommittal, such as a collection of short pieces that I can approach and abandon easily while still having appreciable gains.

I spoke to a therapist while on campus about problems in the general direction of this post. It was actually quite fruitful. I expressed a lot of concern about disintegration/falling apart/losing control that comes with the swamp of uncertainty surrounding my dissociation and my history of experiencing such. The sense of stumbling in the dark. I won’t pretend that I feel any more confident in being able to hold it together, but I do feel more willing to have faith. I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with the idea that I’ve rarely actually put shit behind me, but rather fled from them, that I still carry the corpses of all of myself that I’ve killed. She said we need to explore that and the past more the next time. I agree, I think. I’m still not sure what that’s meant to achieve, but I’m slightly less sure it’d be a waste of time. She says I need to put down the corpses to make space for those I’ll collect in the future, if I think that’s going to happen. Which seems fair, although I’m not certain speaking about them will put them down any better.

I took some time out yesterday to exercise (active) self-compassion. Most of my recollections and thoughts of the past had been so tainted by the visceralness, terror of recurrence and uncanny sense of similar-but-other, that I’d never bothered to look back at those stranger selves as people of their own right. I mean, if they were actually strangers, I would probably have responded to them with empathy and support, but all I was doing to myself was recoiling. So I extended to them an olive branch of sorts. Forgave them for not making it through, appreciated them for doing their best nevertheless. Promised kindness and greater support henceforth. Which was, in turn, inductively comforting to me.

But I was also angry. Very angry. At my parents, my bullies, everything that had put me in these positions. People whom I’d thought I’d long forgiven, although I’d never even properly given myself a chance to be angry at them. I’d jumped to “they did their best and didn’t know any better” type of thinking and knew I couldn’t reeeally blame them for it if I was applying my own approaches consistently. Never mind that I’d only just grokked after yeeears that this hadn’t been my fault, that it wasn’t due to anything being fundamentally wrong and horrible about me, that they were just...fucked up, and were in fact doing this to everyone. That this was wrong.

I felt, last night, the same kind of mental shift I did long ago when I moved from “slavery was 30 years ago we need to move on coz it doesn’t matter anymore” to “wow no this is still affecting every part of people’s lives and will continue to, we can’t just ignore it”. The same kind of bitterness I see when people talk about how a lot of  white people in this country never apologised, still look back to apartheid nostalgically, don’t begin to accept any responsibility or even understanding of the harm they caused...and yet we’ve “forgiven” them and “reconciled”.

Idk. I’ma write out a lengthy exposition of exactly what they did and how it affected me at some stage. I wanted to send it to my mother, or even my father, but sensibly, I probably won’t. It won’t have any productive benefit: while I’d really like them to understand and accept responsibility, I’ll almost certainly get only invalidation and hostility. Soo I’ll probably just write it for my own sanity and hopefully at some point (actually) let go.

So yeah. I’m working on things. This morning I also joined tai chi again, conditional upon being able to opt out of physical contact and social chit-chat things. I bought pretty candles that I look forward to using for meditation things and general niceness. I finally got around to buying a lace curtain so I can open the dark ones without rendering my entire room exposed to the fkin street, and I swear, the outside light transforms the ambience. It’s the best thing. I like light, a lot. I’ve set up my journal for this month, and it’s very pretty and welcoming. My bursars emailed today confirming that they’ll fund me again for this year, which although was expected from the T&Cs, brought a huge sense of relief for my financial state.

Classes start on Monday. I’m very slightly anxious about the workload and the fact that it’s final year and everything counts A Great Deal, but the content seems really cool. I dropped my maths course last year because I was overwhelmed by my own head, and I think that contributed to reduced stability and grounding. I’ma be doing it this year, which is nice. Algebra was pretty cool while I was doing it before I dropped, and Discrete Maths has always been exciting.

Applied cognitive psychology seems overall like a very exciting course. It covers stuff including neural networks, decision making, memory in forensics, clinical cognition and evolutionary cognitive psychology. There’s also an Actual Research Project done in groups: complete with research proposal and poster, and the power to grant kids course credits for partaking...which is in equal parts extremely fkin cool and absolutely terrifying.

Computer science has been said to be challenging, which is probably nice (and also, again, slightly scary). We’re doing more in-depth and probably more complex things like networks and operating systems, which is cool and superior to the largely superficial programming stuff we’ve spent so long on. I enjoyed last semester (concurrency, computer architecture, etc -- conceptual things) so this should probably be good as well.

I’m looking forward to the structure of lectures and the purposefulness of having assignments etc to do. I’ve also been reminded (again today) how much I like my (very beautiful) campus and how it brings me a sense of peace and belonging (generally when there’s nobody else there, not when scared new first years are anxiously attending everything...but anyway).

Things are, for now...okay. I’ve always liked beginnings. I’m willing to try. I’m holding out a tentative hope.