#I am stressed about the finals in March though

[masgwi]

Filled with self doubt

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

I knew the way I went to bed in a bad mood last night was going to affect my day today, but man, I didn't think the prospect of missing out on seeing two of my favorite bands live was going to be this stressful.

[thedevilsoftruth]

Soo I have a request. Hehe. Specifically about Kyojuro 😍

Idea:

Tengen and Rengoku are sparring and rengoku is a little tense because of how his mission went last night. Tengen notices his frustration and stops the sparring session to see what his deal is. When Rengoku tells him he’s frustrated Tengen is understanding and he decides that theyre done sparring for the day. Tengen says hes on his way home to his wives but Rengoku says hes going to stay out for a little longer so he doesn't go home to y/n, angry. That's when Tengen gives him the idea to "take it out" on you.

Obviously Kyo thinks he meant hitting you to which Uzui quickly clears up when he rephrases and explains to release his frustrations sexually. Careful not to spare any details when telling Kyojuro of all the positions to put you in.

(Rengoku is pretty vanilla with sex so he doesnt do much other than missionary or eating you out)

So imagine your surprise, when he DOES get home, and after asking “do you trust me” he goes full throttle on you, his oblivious wife. I'm talkin backshots, full nelson, a mean locked in mating press, choking, spitting in her mouth, ass slapping and despite his rough manhandling his words are still so sweet. Like calling her his "perfect little flame" for taking him so well. 😍😍😍

and when they're done? shes so squirted and fucked out that she finally asks him why he was so angry and after all of that, he doesn't even remember. 🤣🤣🤣

HOLY FUXKITY FUCK NUGGETS WITH A SIDE OF BOOB SWEAT HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF KYOJURO YES QUEEN I AM ON THAT SHIT 🫡

Now I have not written any like actual HARD sex scenes since Marc Spector in like. March. But, I will try my best. I am sorry if it is not what you expected, some things you asked for I sadly did not incorporate into the fic because I wasn't comfortable with it. However, this is by far one of my LONGEST fics like. Ever. So please enjoy! ♥️

ᥫ᭡•-Wildfire-•ᥫ᭡

Rengoku Kyojuro x afab reader

Summary: After having a really bad mission that ruined Kyojuros mood completely, Kyojuro spars Tengen but it becomes very apparent to Tengen that Kyojuro is upset. Tengen tries to comfort Kyojuro, but the conversation steers off into a long discussion of Tengen explaining how Kyojuro can take his anger out on his wife sexually. So, Kyojuro goes home to you ( his wife ) and does exactly as his old friend suggested.

W/c - 7k

Warning: Lots of sexual humor, mentions of violence, Tengen and Kyojuros amazing friendship, mentions of Tengen being a lifestyle dom bc fuck you that's why, strong language, unprotected sex, vaginal penetration, rough sex, dom! Kyojuro, reader is kinda shy and VERY submissive, tabletop sex, crying during sex, hair pulling, multiple orgasms, orgasm denial, ass slapping, and Kyojuros filthy mouth. Not beta read!!!

[ Minors dni! I am not responsible for what you find on the internet! ]

Kyojuro Rengoku was a very patient man. A patient man that was never without a smile and was almost never angry. He was good with masking his anger and swallowing his issues. What's the point of holding onto negative emotions? If something bad happens to you, take it and move on with your life.

But he just could not seem to shake this cloud of pure frustration and sense of failure that was looming above his head. Why didn't he perform his best during his last mission? Why didn't he use the new techniques he needed to practice in his last fight? Why wasn't he training hard enough? Why wasn't he good enough?

His body was seething with anger. He was sweating badly from the stress he was feeling and his limbs felt as though they were on fire.

It was almost like an out of body experience. Like he wasn't even himself in that moment when he let out a blood curdling yell as he charged at his partner with his most powerful technique. His hands were gripping his blade so tightly that he was sure they would never be able to let out of it.

That was until the blade was flung across the field by a gloved hand.

" What's up with you, man? You trying to kill me? " Tengens familiar voice filled his ears, the tall man standing in front of him with an expression he had never given him.

Worry.

Kyojuro was suddenly pulled back into reality. His chest felt tight. The clothes on his body were starting to feel loose due to his fatigue. He looked around and took in his surroundings. The beautiful green trees rustling in the wind around him. The soft brown dirt below his feet. The tall man in front of him who he considered to be his best friend. But still, even through the whirlwind of intense emotions in his head, he was still able to put on his signature smile.

" I am sorry, lord Tengen. I suppose I got a bit carried away, didnt I? " Kyojuro said with a gentle laugh that filled Tengens ears. Tengen found himself staring at his best friend blankly.

" Oh you mean when you tired to cut my head off? " Tengen said bluntly.

What???

Kyojuros eyes went wide and he suddenly felt very embarrassed. He had never had a moment like that in sparring ever. He was usually on guard. He usually didn't let bad missions like that get to him, but today he was just constantly on edge, and that sparring round proved it.

" No more swords for today. " Tengen said, dropping his weapons and sitting on a soft patch of grass. " Come sit. Talk to me. " Was all he needed to say for Kyojuro to immediately go on a tangent.

Kyojuro was very open to people about how he felt about things. If he had an opinion, he would make the opinion known no matter what. He was a very emotional man who had a lot of empathy in his heart, so he tended to take things a bit harder than most people would. Kyojuro was a talker, and so was Tengen, but Tengen was able to lend a listening ear when it was needed.

" I suppose i was a bit overwhelmed. " Kyojuro started, picking at blades of grass beneath him. " My last mission didn't go too well. There were some techniques I wanted to try in battle that are new to me, but was too chicken to try them. " He explained to the man sitting next to him.

Tengen stared at him for a very long time. He blinked a few time, and then his face twisted into a look of pure and utter confusion.

" You're mad you didn't use those techniques?!! Did you forget that you are a literal demon slayer?? My man, you still have like. Five million other future missions where you can use those techniques in. " Tengen told his best friend in a loud voice, his hands making weird gestures as he spoke. Kyojuro chuckled.

" I know. I know. I guess I'm just mad that I didn't practice them enough. " He sighed. Tengen rolled his eyes and groaned.

" Come on, dude. Loosen up a little, won't ya? You still have all the time in the world to practice them. Plus, tomorrow Is a new day. You will have a better mission tomorrow. " Tengen provided the most comfort to Kyojuro that he could. He had his hand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently and smiling at him. And Kyojuro had to admit that he was feeling a bit better, but he was still tense. He smiled back at him, but Tengen could tell by the way his shoulders were tense that he was still mad.

" You sure you're gonna be alright? " Tengen asked him as he stood up and grabbed his water bottle. " I need to head back home to my wife's. I've spent a long time away from them already, and I'm sure they're worried sick for me. " Tengen chuckled, picking up his swords, the metal of the chain making a nice clanking sound against the steel of the swords. Kyojuro looked around thoughtfully, his hands gripping his pants in frustration.

" I think I'm going to stay here and continue to train. " He spoke with a heavy sigh, standing up and picking up his sword. Tengen was in the middle of seething his swords when he suddenly stopped at his words.

" Why? " He asked simply.

" Because I don't want to return to my wife angry. The last thing that I need is to make her worried because I am upset. " Kyojuro spoke with a strange expression on his face. Tengen couldn't read him. It was an odd night for him. Kyojuro had been acting not quite like himself the entire night, and it all started when after they shook hands before sparring. But still, Kyojuro was his friend, and he would do anything he could to give him comfort.

" Listen, you're not perfect, dude. Your woman has to see both sides of you to really understand who you are. " Tengen spoke, moving closer to Kyojuro. " I know you're a perfectionist and want your woman to think nothing but good of you, but trust me bro, flaws are a great thing. Especially in relationships because that is what helps them grow. "

He finished off with one more quote, " If she can't handle you at your worst, than she doesn't deserve you at your best. " A gentle pat was laid onto Kyojuros shoulders, and he felt like he was almost starting to understand his old friend. But he wasn't sure if he wanted to process it yet.

Tengen was getting ready to turn his heel and part ways with his friend before he remembered something. His face twisted with a devious grin that just told Kyojuro he was up to no good. Tengen clicked his tongue and pointed his index finger at him, lightly wiggling it in the process.

" You know, if you're still a little bit tense when you get home... Hehe... " He leaned in, his voice a whisper as he draped his arm over Kyojuros shoulder. Kyojuro didn't like the look on his face. He was definitely about to say something dirty.

" You know how I'm a lifestyle dom.. yada yada, whatever, nobody fucking cares, they've all heard it before--but there's this thing I do with my ladies, alright? How do I put this.. " He took a deep breath, his marron eyes scanning the floor as he searched for the right words. " Whenever Im having a hard day, I like to ' take it out ' on my beautiful wife's. " Tengen said casually, almost as if it was any normal conversation.

What??!!

Whatever Kyojuro was expecting to here from him, it was not that. He knew his best friend was into really hard sex, but he didn't think it would involve that sort of stuff! He stared at him with wide eyes, not blinking for several seconds.

" You hit your wife's?! " Kyojuro blurted out very loudly. Now it was Tengens turn for his eyes to go wide in shock.

" What the fu--no!! What kind of fuckin animal do you take me for?! No I don't hit my wife's!! Why the hell would you think that?! " Tengen demanded, shaking Kyojuros shoulders violently as he shouted at him.

" You said ' take it out!! ' What does that mean, lord Tengen! " Kyojuro asked loudly with curious eyes and an uncanny smile. Tengen took his hands off of Kyojuro and sighed, bamboozled by his friends lack of sexual knowledge.

" Well you have a wife. You guys have sex, right? " Tengen asked as if the question wasn't completely obvious.

" Yes, but it's not as uhm... Flamboyant as the kind you have. " Kyojuro told him, his wide smile never flattening. Excitement arose within Tengens body, and he clapped his hands together and grinned.

" My man!!! " He exclaimed. " Okay here are some pro tips coming from big daddy Tengen okay-- "

" I am not calling you big daddy Tengen. " Kyojuro blurted. Tengen blinked a few times.

" Okay...I didn't ask you to--what? And I'd hope not, dude, you're married-"

" Is that what you have your wife's call you, lord Tengen? It is Flamboyant indeed!! " Kyojuro said in an uncomfortably loud and enthusiastic voice. Tengen could not believe what he was hearing, and he pushed his best friend to the side in an act of pure disgust.

" What??! No--okay, we're getting off topic. Point is-- "

" So the key to having better sex with my wife is to have her call me big daddy Rengoku? "

The silence was so loud.

Tengen lowerd down into a squatting position and put his elbows on his knees and heald his face in his palms.

" Somebody shoot me. " He muttered, his voice dripping with pure misery. " There is no way I just heard you say that. "

Kyojuro was having a very good hearty laugh. Tengen was drowning in utter despair. Kyojuro patted his friends back very hard and laughed even more.

" I am only joking around with you, my friend! Head up. I will allow you to speak now. " He told him, patting his back once more in reassurance. Tengen slowly rose back up and sighed dramatically. Kyojuro stood in silence, waiting for his friend to speak.

" I don't know how I will recover from that, but I suppose I can offer you some words of free advice. Your starting point is telling her what you will do to her, ask her for her permission and then go all out. " Tengen started. " Women like it when you're gentle and loving with them, yes, but they also can find it enjoyable when her man is a bit more rough and crazy in bed. It's way flashier than normal, vanilla sex. "

Kyojuro looked at him weird.

" ...In my opinion. " Tengen added, awkwardly averting his gaze.

" But you, my man, have been having a rough day. So be a bit more rough with her in bed tonight. Spank her, bend her over something, pull her hair, bite her. Let her feel what you are feeling inside, and let me tell you, it will be the best sex of your life. " Tengen felt kind of excited to be sharing this with his friend. Sex was his passion, and being able to share it and his ideas with people made him the happiest man on earth.

Kyojuro felt his mouth going dry at the thought of it. All of the ideas flooded his mind, and he felt his heart racing uncontrollably.

" You said uh... Bending her over? I've never done that before. " Kyojuro repeated, a lump forming in his throat as he spoke. Tengen took a sip of his water and raised his brows.

" Is that what got your attention ? " He grinned. " Chicks dig that shit, man. There's so much more than the classic missionary. Find a countertop, table, foot of the bed--anything and then bend her over it and go at it. Would you like to hear of more positions you can use? "

" Yes. " Kyojuro responded immediately, wanting to know everything he can do to relieve the stress he was still feeling.

" Enthusiasm. That's what I love to hear!! " Tengen laughed before he continued. " Now, of course, you can also do it standing with her legs wrapped around your waist if you're confident. You can also have her bent over with her hands to the ground for a bit of support and deep penetration. There's the flatiron position, the sandwich position, yada yada. "

Kyojuro listened deeply, taking in each word as a mental note as the sound hashira spoke to him. He sure was in expert in this sort of stuff, he was kind of like an encyclopedia for all things related to sex.

" Those certainly are some interesting choices, lord Tengen. Now what is the flatiron? " Kyojuro asked curiously. Tengen smiled.

" Another position where you are behind her. You get on your knees behind her and she leans her face into the mattress and warps her arms around the backs of her knees. It's simple. " Tengen explained. Kyojuro nodded, gathering all the information he was given into his mind and coming up with a plan for exactly what he wanted to do.

" Of course, if you still want to have a missionary but make it more interesting, you can bend her knees back to her chest or hook her legs over your shoulders. Just a few options. " Tengen continued. He stood back up from his squatting position and dusted his pants. He felt around his pockets, and checked himself to make sure he left nothing behind before patting his thighs and giving Kyojuro a large smile.

" I'll be on my way now, my friend. I wish the best for you. " Tengen told Kyojuro, bringing his hand out in a fist for a fist bump. Kyojuro did the same and their knuckles joined together, Tengen making a fake explosion sound as he dramatically uncurled his fingers from a fist. Kyojuro laughed like he always did when they fist bumped after long meetings together like this.

" Till the next time we meet, lad. " Kyojuro nodded at his friend as he began to walk away. Tengen turned to face him and saluted him.

" Have fun! " Tengen yelled before he ran off, quickly disappearing into the distance.

------

The sun was starting to set. The walk back home was excruciatingly long, and the longer Kyojuro spent away from you, the more he began to get irritated. Why couldn't he just magically be with you in an instant? Why did he have to walk through town where it was loud and bright just to get you you? Why don't people ever pay attention to where they are walking? Why did everything have to be so damn irritating?

It was already pitch black outside when he got home. When he entered the house, he was about to shout your name like he usually did when he got home and announce his arrival, but he found you coming out of your bedroom as he closed the front sliding doors.

" You're home. " You remarked, walking up to him and wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him in for a kiss. He noticed you were in the red silky robe that you usually wore when you went to bed. He pulled away from the kiss to comment on it.

" Were you just in bed, my love? " He asked, his hands gliding up your sides and feeling the soft familiar fabric under his fingertips.

" Yeah I just woke up. I figured you would be back later so I wanted to cook you something. Are you hungry, should I still make you something-- " He cut your babbling off with a rough kiss, his hands moving to your jaw as he tilted his head and took your breath away with his kisses. You let out a surprised gasp at the contact, but you were not complaining.

" Why would I need you to make me something with I have my meal In front of me? " Your husband grinned wickedly, picking you up by your thighs and throwing his mouth back into yours, giving you absolutely zero time to react. You were so taken aback by the action, that you almost fell out of his arms from not wrapping your legs around his waist quick enough.

He didn't usually come home this way or say those kinds of things to you, so you were a bit shocked as you kissed him back. Of course he was a bit more forceful with it when he did it than you were, but that was because you were so shocked that it was like you had forgotten how to kiss him completely.

" Breathe. " Kyojuro said, setting you down on top of the kotatsu table in your dining room. You weren't used to this happening at all. You felt dizzy, especially having all of this happen just couple minutes after waking up.

" You okay? " He asked, his gentle calloused fingers reaching out to brush a few strands of your hair behind your ear. He gave you a smile, his golden eyes soft as he stared at you lovingly. You looked up at him with a curious expression, still trying to catch your breath from the previous intense kisses he had given you.

" Are you okay? What's all this about? " You asked him with a nervous chuckle and smile. He felt a pang of guilt stinging him by seeing how shocked and anxious you were. The last thing he wanted was for you to fear him. He hushed you with another kiss, his hands gripping your hips harshly. He had this look in his eyes that you had never seen him with. It felt dangerous.

When he pulled away, his hand turned your body around so that you were laying on your stomach on top of the table. You yelped in surprise, feeling your husband's strong hands on your ankles and pulling your legs off the kotatsu table, your knees pressing against the floor beneath you. Kyojuro was not a weak man. None of the hashira were. They could all take you out with one single smack to the face, so the amount of strength that Kyojuro put into moving you made you feel like you would definitely have bruises where he grabbed you.

" Kyojuro! What has gotten into you? " You demanded, looking at him from behind your shoulder. His hands suddenly released most of the pressure he was putting on you, almost as if he sensed your discomfort. Sensually and slowly, Kyojuros hands ran a long your sides and stomach, feeling anything he could touch. He moved your hair around your neck, exposing some more of your skin to his hungry gaze, allowing his lips to latch on your soft skin.

You were starting to ease into his arms, but you were confused by the position. His lips pecked the sweet spot of your neck slowly, his left lands slipping down to your thigh and his right hand coming up to cup your breast through your robe, causing a little moan to escape your lips. He gently parted your legs and eased your body back down onto the table. You looked at him with raised brows as one of his hands went to touch the knot of your robe.

" I had a tough day at work, so I'm a bit irritated right now. I also know you're nervous, but do you trust me? " His voice was low and quiet against your ear. His hands stilled in place, not moving until otherwise told. " I will not proceed without your consent. "

Your cheeks were a light shade of pink. You were curious to see what he was planning exactly.

" I trust you. "You responded. Kyojuro had a tinge of a smile on his face, and he nodded his head and carefully undid the belt of your robe. Strong hands ran down your arms, stripping them bare of the clothes that acted as a barrier between you both. The actions were so gentle despite the things that he had planned for you that you had thought this was just going to be another regular sex session.

But it was something far more than that. The only reason Kyojuro was even being gentle with you in the moment was because he wanted to at least show you some sweetness before he would absolutely destroy you.

He unbuckled his belt with one hand, the other one keeping him busy as he began to rub your already dripping cunt through your panties. He slipped two fingers beneath the red lace of your panties, his other hand slipping his pants and boxers down just enough for his dick to spring loose.

Kyojuros fingers felt through the silky, warmth of your wet folds. His other hand was pumping his pre-cum lubricated cock as he did this to you, looking at your form as your hips ever so slightly lifted off the table. Your lips parted, and a soft moan escaped your mouth as his fingers gently rubbed against your clit. His fingers rolled again the tiny bud in time with his other hand pumping his cock. But soon, he got tired of it, and he withdrew his fingers from you and hooked them onto your underwear and pulled them down to where they fell at your knees.

Your flesh was now completely exposed to him, your pussy already sensitive and oh so wet and welcoming for his hungry cock. His gently hands undid the clasps of your bra.

" Lift your arms. " He said. You did as told with no opposition. He rolled the straps of the bra down your arms and threw the garment off somewhere into the kitchen. You felt a familiar sense of adrenaline rushing through you, and you were excited but nervous.

" Am I not doing this on my back? " You asked him sweetly, looking over your shoulder where your gazes met. Your eyes were filled with innocence, and the thought of his sweet wife being so oblivious to the things he was going to do to her turned him on harder than anything else.

" Not tonight. Just relax. " He told you, rubbing his arms up and down your back. You took a deep breath and allowed him to do whatever he needed to because you trusted him. Kyojuro wrapped his hand around the shaft of his dick, bringing his cockhead up against your entrance before slowly inching his way inside you. The sensation stung a little as he worked his way past the tip, stretching you out almost painfully. Once he was in enough, he stopped for a moment to allow you to adjust to his size.

" Feel good? " He asked for reassurance. You looked at him and nodded. He grabbed your hips and pulled you closer to him. He set a slow and steady pace at first, grunting while he pushed his cock in and out of you. You had never had sex with him before in this position. It was all new to you but so incredibly exciting. And Kyojuro was enjoying it too, in fact, he may even have been enjoying it too much considering how he was mapping out in his mind the amounts of positions he was going to put you in.

" You know, " he trailed off, running a long finger up your spine and making your skin rise with goosebumps. " I can go on for hours if you'll let me. The only question is, can you keep up? " Even with him being behind you, you could just hear the smirk in his dark tone. You gulped hard at his words, your pussy fluttering against his cock as he slowly began to pick up the pace.

His hips rolled against yours, his cock dragging across your velvety walls and making your hips lift off the table once more. Your face scrunched up in pleasure, and your fingernails scratched the maple tabletop of the kotatsu table. You tried to lift yourself up by bracing your arms on the table, but Kyojuro was quick to splay his hand on your back and force you back down. You grunted, biting your lip in frustration as you fell onto the table. He grabbed your hips with both hands, his hips snapping against yours harshly and leaving you breathless.

" Not fair. " You whimpered, your eyebrows quirking up as you tried to find a comfortable way to lay your head.

" What's not fair? " He teased, knowing full well what you were referring to but wanting to hear you say it.

" You're... You pulled me back down. A-and going fast. " You answered, your legs shaking beneath him.

" I'm sorry, is this not your speed? Would you prefer me to be gentler? "

Kyojuros pace slowed and you whined at the lack of friction. Although, he did not intend for his words to come off as teasing, thats what you took it as and you were becoming very sexually frustrated.

" Why'd you.. ahh.. " you couldn't even finish your sentence from the amount of embarrassment you were in. Your face was bright red, your brows furrowed and your arms already feeling numb.

" See? Now you're a whimpering mess. " Each word was punctuated by a very harsh thrust that sent you screaming each time. You gripped the table beneath you, your face lifting off the table for a short while so you could moan and breathe.

" Is this what you want, sunshine? Huh? " He grunted in your ear, thrusting into you at a pace he rarely ever used. You were so shocked, so consumed by the pleasure that you couldn't even respond to him. Kyojuro twirled a thick bunch of your hair around his fist tightly and harshly pulled your head back so his mouth could meet your ear. You gasped at the pain, your shock only increasing.

" Where are those words, huh, sunflower? Just a moment ago you were all sassy. Is it that good? " He said in a sweet, almost even condescending voice. The emotions you were feeling were too much to handle. Who was this man? Had someone swapped out your loving husband for a more mean version of him?

Kyojuros hand raised and struck against your ass, the sound of the intense impact echoing off the walls. You bit your finger, a yelp escaping your lips from the smack. He had never once did that to you in your nearly 4 years of being his wife.

" Use your words, little flame. " He spoke, his tone genuine this time. Your lips parted, a string of saliva disconnecting your mouth from your finger as you pulled away from your hand. All you were able to get out was a shy whimper.

Kyojuro could sense your shyness and let out a dark chuckle that gave your pussy butterflies.

" Does my little flame like it rough now? " He purred straight into your ear, his lips pecking your neck. Your eyes became wide when one of his hands reached around you to mess with your clit. You felt like you were on fire, his cock ravaging you mercilessly and using your body. Your mouth was open in an ' o ' shape, endless moans and gasps leaving your mouth as pleasure engulfed your every essence like wildfire.

He was panting into your ear, grabbing your breast harshly as his cock slammed into you with brutal force. You bit your lip and your breath came out in short shudders. His fingers were circling around your clit sweetly, the duo sensation of his cock penetrating you and his fingers stimulating your clit making you shake. There was no doubt that you were about to cum.

And then Kyojuro got a sickeningly twisted idea.

He could sense your impending orgasm. Your walls were squeezing him as if he were a damn pencil, and you were becoming so incredibly wet. But he had other plans for you that night, plans that could prove just how mean he can be during sex. Of course, he always enjoyed giving you exactly what you wanted. He was a people pleaser, and he wanted you to be happy and satisfied even In the bedroom. But not tonight. Tonight, Kyojuro was a burning fire of rage, and he was going to show you just how angry he was.

He could tell how much you were enjoying it. How cock hungry you were becoming. So, before you could get that sweet release of an orgasm, he pulled out of you and withdrew his fingers from your clit, leaving you to feel empty. You looked at him with heavy lidded eyes, panting and confused.

" Why'd you pull out? I was almost there. " You whined, your cunt aching for his dick to stuff you and make you feel good again. Kyojuro gave you a sick grin that made your knees weak.

" Oh, don't worry about that, sunshine. You will get to come. Just not now. " He chirped, though there was an underlying of dominance and promise in his voice. And suddenly, like he had been doing all that night since he came back, he ambushed you by standing up and bringing you to your feet with him. He picked you up by your thighs, and you wrapped your legs around his waist as he began to take you into your bedroom.

" Lets get you in here where it's more comfortable. " He spoke, kissing your neck and laying you down on your shared bed gently. He stood between your legs and unbottoned the top of his uniform in front of you, his chiseled, well defined abs. You stared at him in awe, your pussy aching for him even more by the mere sight of him. His arms flexed as he pulled the shirt up and above his head. He kicked his pants and boxers off his ankles, his dick finally in full view for you. You stared with hungry eyes, desperately trying your hardest not to start touching yourself.

Your husband sat on the bed next to you and backed against the headboard. He pulled you into his lap and kissed you deeply for a moment, his fingertips lightly playing with your clit for a couple of seconds before he pulled away from your lips. He looked you up and down, taking in your body.

" Turn around. " He instructed, giving your hips a nice smack. You shakingly did as told, your body incredibly weak even though it had only been one round. Your knees were bent on either side of his thighs as you lowered yourself into his lap. You had your back to his chest, and he carefully guided your body back down onto his still-hard cock. You whimpered softly as he entered you once more, filling your needy cunt that was so incredibly desperate for you.

Kyojuros warm hand went to your back once more and forced your body into the mattress. You grunted as he slowly began thrusting upward and into you. The penetration was so incredibly deep, his cock hauling in and out of your cunt leisurely. He kept his hand on your back, careful not to let you move around that much as that was exactly where he wanted you. Your face was smushed against the red silky sheets on the fluffy mattress, your fingers digging into the sheets.

Kyojuro groaned softly, the warmth your soft pussy provided his cock making him nothing else but buck wild. He couldn't help himself. He wasn't even going to stop himself from pulling his cock all the way out if you before slamming it back into you and making you scream aloud, gripping the sheets for dear life.

" Feel good, sunshine? You like that? " You heard your husband purr from behind you. Your eyes were closed shut so tightly that you were sure they would never open again. Your mouth was hanging open widely and you were drooling all over the sheets, nothing but satisfied moans leaving your lips. He chuckled at your state and smacked your ass again, the harsh impact making you wake up more and yelp. He switched the positions a bit, shifting to his knees and bending over your back.

" I asked you a question. " He growled, his voice low and almost threatening. One arm wrapped around your stomach, but the other snaked around your throat and heald you in a chokehold. Your mind began to scramble frantically. Kyojuro was never his hard with you in bed. Like seriously, you could just feel his anger by the way he even spoke to you.

" Yes-yes. " You choked, tears pricking your eyes as he somehow found a way to fuck you harder. His arm loosened around your neck to allow you to breathe but still had enough force on you to restrict your movements." Feels so good. " You moaned, leaning your head back against his shoulder as you began to cry silently.

" Good girl. " He praised, his voice rumbling against your ear. He kissed the top of your head and let go of your stomach, rubbing your clit once more. The pleasure made you gasp and become limp in his arms.

" So, so, good for me. " Kyojuro cooed, finally letting go of your neck so he could attack it with greedy kisses. You whimpered as his fingers dragged up and down your throbbing clit, your pussy squeezing him for dear life as your orgasm was starting to build up again.

Kyojuro couldn't help but look down between your two joined bodies. The way how your perfect cunt took his dick so good and warmly was egging him on, making him want to fuck you even harder if that was even possible. It was like had had become a different person that night. The way how he took hold of a chunk of your hair from the scalp and pushed your face back down into the mattress just went to show how hard he could go.

" Come on, little flame. Show me how good it feels, yeah? Come all over me, baby. Make a mess. " He encouraged with a rather light ass smack. Your lips parted and your face contorted in pure focus as you let him take you just how he wanted. He could feel how close you were again. And this time, he was feeling generous.

" Kyo...kyojuro--ooo. " You tried to say his name in between broken moans. A sadistic smile spread across your husband's lips as he looked down at you. He reached his arm around you and played with your bottom lip. It was puffy and red, swollen from all the kissing from earlier. His thumb dragged over it before he brought his two middle fingers into your mouth, encouraging you to suck on them.

" You sound so pretty. So broken. " He purred, pulling his cock out completely before slamming if back in with such a force that sent your body shaking uncontrollably. Your eyes were filled deep into the back of your head and suddenly, you couldn't take it anymore. You bit down in your husband's fingers as you came hard onto his cock, squirting all over his lap, the hot liquid dripping down his cock and into the sheets beneath you.

" Look at that. " He laughed darkly, pulling his cock out of you so he could run his fingers over your slippery folds. You couldn't hold the position anymore, so you crawled out of his lap and collapsed onto the bed on your back. Kyojuro gave you a disappointed look.

" Where do you think you're going? "

Fuck.

You shut your thighs and backed up as far as you could away from him until you almost reached the edge of the bed. Your husband pouted at you, looking you up and down and clicking his tongue.

" When did I say I was done with you? We barley even made it to dessert. " He joked in a sickeningly sadistic way as he grabbed you by your ankles and pulled you back underneath him. You gulped hard, a cold tear running down your flushed cheeks. He lovingly took your face in his hands and wiped your tears away with his thumbs.

Kyojuro leaned in to kiss you, his mouth moving against yours in harsh open-mouthed kisses as he picked your legs up by the backs of your knees.

"Are you okay? Do we need to stop? " He asked you, his expression completely and utterly serious. You were having a hard time catching your breath. You had felt light headed and your body was shaking. But even through the pain, you knew you could find pleasure. It also gave you some satisfaction knowing that your husband was feeling better doing this to you, so you nodded your head and smiled at him.

" I'm fine. Do what you need to do. " You said , opening your legs a bit further. Kyojuros lips curled into a wicked smile, and he positioned himself back between your legs, grabbing your knees and pinning them to your chest.

You felt the familiar feeling of his cock slowly being pushed into you once more. The feeling sent you whimpering and squirming around him. Overstimulation wasn't something you were used to. Nothing he was doing to you was anything like you were used to.

And the same thing could be said for Kyojuro. He wasn't used to going that hard, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't having the time of his life. His mind with flooded with lust as he immediately went to fucking you hard like before, not giving you anytime to relax. He just couldn't help himself. His mind was reeling, his body glistening with sweat as he pounded into you as if his entire life depended on it.

" Fuck, " he groaned, his head falling back in pleasure as he fucked you exactly how he needed to. The air around you was thick and warm, the room filled with the heavy pants and moans coming from the both of you. Your pussy was so incredibly sensitive after everything, and he just kept going. Your toes curled in the air, your hips lifting off the bed slightly as he increased his pace.

You let out soft squeaks as Kyojuro lifted your legs up and over his broad shoulders, allowing him to penetrate you deeper. He was putting you in positions he'd never put you in before. It was heaven on earth. The loud squelching noises coming from your incredibly wet cunt filled Kyojuros ears like sweet music. Not only that but the smell of your sex was intoxicating.

" Fuck, little flame.. " He moaned, kissing the parts of your legs that he could reach comfortably as he thrust into you at a steady, hard pace. " My perfect little flame. Taking me so well. " He praised, his sweet words sending butterflies to your pussy. Your face became hot, the sudden sweetness of your husbands words making thing seem oddly intimate after he practically fucked your brains out.

And, he just kept going. Fucking you slowly and hard, his strong hands gripping your thighs and his cock kissing every inch of your pussy. His sweet voice was telling you sweet nothings as he pushed his cock in and out of you with deep thrusts. He shifted his hips a bit, allowing him deeper access to your cunt until it hit that special part of you. You moaned loudly and threw your head back in ecstasy.

He lowered a hand between your thighs, and slowly began rubbing your clit while his hips began to pick up the pace. You let out a gasp and a deep moan, your hips jerking against his and your thighs shaking on his shoulders.

" Aww. Sensitive, are we? " Rengoku teased, his voice deep and rumbling in his chest. You nodded weakly, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as his fingers stroked your clit gently. His sweet words and actions were causing you to suddenly feel embarrassed. Especially because the position was so intimate and face-to-face.

Your face became red and you found yourself turning your head to face the wall instead of your ravenous husband. You brought your fingers up to your lips, suddenly aware of how loud you were being. Of course, it didn't take Kyojuro long at all to catch onto what you were doing.

" Dont be shy, sunflower. " He told you, grabbing your wrist and pinning it to the bed. You slowly looked back at him, too fucked out of your mind to respond in any way. Kyojuro leaned forward, your knees briefly pressing against your chest as he kissed you sweetly. " You know how important being able to hear your moans is to me. "

You let your mouth fall open a bit, your eyebrows twitching up and your eyes squinting as his cock seemed to be slamming into you harder. The hand around your wrists was holding you down so hard that it almost hurt.

" So scream for me baby. " Kyojuro purred, taking your breath away and making you gasp as he violently thrashed into you. You screamed at the contact, your hands vigorously scrambling for the red sheets beneath you as your husband ceased to surprise you. He let go of your wrist and used that hand to fondle your clit once more. How he was able to keep up like this after training so hard all day and the previous rounds he had gone on you was beyond you.

Your abdomen was starting to burn with another orgasm starting to build up within you. Kyojuro was feeling the same thing. He put down your legs to help you feel more comfortable, and you wrapped them around his waist, welcoming him in even deeper into you. He was panting, and he grabbed a fistful of your hair and pulled your head back, giving him access to your neck.

He sucked in the nape of your neck, his other hand rubbing tight circles around your oversensitive clit and his cock jamming against your g-spot. All of it was perfect. There wasn't any other way to put it, it was simply heaven.

" Kyo-Kyo-oo-juro. " You moaned shakingly, your legs clenching around his waist. He couldn't sense your orgasm building up again, and so he thrusted into you harder. You moaned with every thrust, and he growled in your ear.

" Louder. " He snarled against your ear, smacking your ass hard. You whimpered and weakly moved your mouth to his good ear. You moaned directly into it, your fingernails clawing at his back. He didn't seem to flinch at the contact, in fact, it only egged him on further. He kissed your neck sweetly before he bit down on it, inflicting a loud grunt out of you in the process.

" Kyojuro! " You yelled this time, bucking your hips towards his and arching your back off the bed while you clung onto him. You could feel his lips curling up into a smirk against your neck while he kissed you.

" Good girl. " He huffed, rising his body up and holding onto the headboard with one hand as he pounded into you. The headboard slammed against the wall, the bed creaking under your bodies as he fucked you in an almost animalistic way. The primal look in his eyes as he gritted his teeth and fucked you hard was something you had never expected to see in him.

It made your pussy ache just seeing him like he was in that moment. He still had one of his hands in-between your thighs, continuing to rub you clit. You scratched his forearm and squeaked loudly as he persisted to give you exactly what you needed. He was panting heavily, and he looked at you with heavy lidded eyes, his firey blond and red hair sticking to his sweaty face.

" Little flame, I am going to come soon. Where can I? " He asked, his voice husky but very hoarse, his fatigue finally starting to show after going on for so long. You curled your fist into the sheesh under you and looked back at him with an expression that mirrored his own.

" I-inside. " You muttered, your voice so quiet that his half-deaf ears didn't even pick up on it. The only way he even knew what you said was because he read your lips: a skill he had become a master of ever since he damaged his ear drums in battle.

Kyojuro flew his head back, his thrusts starting to slow down and become sloppy as his orgasm started to become more apparent. He braced his arms at either side of your head and stole your lips in another heated kiss. His hips shook, and hot ropes of his long-awaited orgasm finally spilling into your warm core. He buried himself to the hilt and sat still for a moment as he came inside you.

Your orgasm followed shortly behind his after he pulled out, keeping you busy and warm by fingering you and stimulating your sensitive clit. The hot liquid of your cum dropped down his fingers, and that was the moment when the both of you had decided that you were satisfied. His withdrew his fingers from your warmth and collapsed onto the bed next to you.

For several minutes, it was just the both of you trying to cool off without moving too much and laying next to each other, the room filled with your joined panting. You usually didn't immediately go to cuddling after sex because Kyojuros body had the tendancy to ' overheat ' like a battery and it took him a very long time to cool down. He turned to look at you, reaching his warm hand out to brush some loose strands of hair out of your face.

" How are you feeling? " He asked you, looking at you with a smile. You smiled back and intertwined your fingers with his.

" Good. Are you feeling better? You said earlier you were upset. " You recalled, getting butterflies as you remembered the way he bent you over the kotatsu table. He looked at you blankly like he usually did when he didn't hear what you said.

Kyojuro did not pick up on that last part of the sentence.

" Come again? " He leaned his good ear closer to your mouth, inviting you to repeat what you said.

" You said you were upset earlier. " You said, louder this time. " What were you upset about? "

Kyojuro chuckled and moved back to where he was before, propping himself up on his elbow.

" Who knows? I can't even remember. "

[hhhhoffman]

━ March

Part three of Monthly Mark Hoffman: A NSFW Cycle

summary: march - hoffman proves how much he needs you: by showing you, as he fucks you in front of the mirror.

pairing: mark hoffman x f!reader

word count: 1.9k

rating: explicit, 18+

cw: piv sex, mirror sex, comfort sex, oral sex, hurt/comfort, cuddling

you can also read this story on ao3.

The promise of a weekend off and the joy of long awaited rest was a sweet remedy to a hard week of work. However, the buzz of several glasses of wine was doing little to soothe the worry that had begun to unfurl in your gut, after another cancelled dinner reservation, another sudden emergency at the station. Another night left alone, eating take out and watching old movies, with only yourself for company. 

It was a Friday night in March, and your finger was tracing the rim of your empty glass when you finally decided to call it a night. A sigh escaped you as you stood up and padded through to the kitchen to clean away the lonesome dish and utensils you had used. You then wiped down the counter tops and forced yourself into the bathroom. To make yourself feel better, you stripped off your clothes and showered, brushed your teeth and did some light skincare. Then feeling fresh and much less wine-drunk, headed to your bedroom. 

You sat cross-legged at the end of your bed for a moment, listening to the muted din of the television in the other room. You purposefully left it on to bleat comfortingly, as you never did like total silence, and the sounds were a nostalgic warmth that helped to ease your anxiety. 

The digital clock said that it was now Saturday, and still, there was no sign of Mark. You couldn’t help but wonder if he was doing okay, where he was and what he was doing - the intensity of your feelings for him having taken you by surprise. 

And then as if you had summoned him with your pining and worry, you heard the soft click of the front door opening and closing. He was finally here. You turned your head towards the sound of soft footsteps making their way to the bedroom. The scent of the sea salt and sandalwood candle you left burning drifted into the room with Mark as he crossed the threshold.

You didn’t speak, just looked up at him. You crossed your arms and pulled your short, silk robe closer around you as you took in his rugged appearance. He had been working so much lately, and with the increase in some pretty gruesome murders, he had been spending more and more time away from you. If the horror stories that littered the local news were anything to go by, this kind of situation was as serious as it gets. 

You could sense the stress on him, the way his jaw was tensed, the slight stoop of his frame, the waft of metal that was hidden beneath the spice of his cologne. The strange scent of death that seemed to follow him wherever he went.

He shed his coat, shoes and gloves wordlessly, and as you watched him, your insecurity got the better of you. The question fell from your lips:

“Are you avoiding me on purpose?” 

He turned towards you with confusion in his blue eyes, a slight scowl at his lips and his head slightly tilted. The question had taken him by surprise, which in turn perplexed you further. He stepped closer, and then silently offered you his hand. You took it and got to your feet, stood with uncertainty in front of him.

“Of course not,” he whispered sincerely, his eyes boring into yours. He released your hand, and then used the back of his fingers to caress your cheek. He always touched you with such rapt attention, and this time was no exception: he handled you as though you were utterly fragile, his eyes drinking in your expression, registering your worry. 

“I promise you that I am working more because it is absolutely necessary - it has nothing to do with how I feel about you.”

Before you got the chance to feel ashamed or regret your words, he manoeuvred himself behind you, and possessively grasped the back of your neck with his large hand. He gently but firmly steered you to the floor length mirror opposite the bed, and you both watched the reflection of yourselves together for a moment.

“Just look at you,” he muttered, awe-struck, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “The most beautiful fucking woman I’ve ever seen. Why would I ever avoid you?”

You ran your eyes over the sight of yourself. You were naked beneath the flimsy gown, your legs bare, your nipples hard and visible beneath the fabric. You noticed a slight flush in your cheeks, courtesy of the wine and his compliments and your own embarrassment. The looming size of his body behind yours caused an abrupt rush of heat to flare in your lower abdomen. His touch burned on your skin and seemed to seep further into your blood. 

“You disappear more than you used to,” you confessed in a small voice, before you could change your mind. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

He then used a gentle motion to pull your hair away from your face, as if to expose your beauty - and then he was stroking your neck and jaw. You watched in the reflection as he slipped your shoulder free from your gown, as his lips pecked softly at the newly exposed skin.

“I feel abandoned, Mark.” Your voice broke, and your insides dropped to have ruined such a beautiful moment. 

He momentarily paused. A strong arm then slipped around your waist, and he pulled your body to his, protectively. Possessively. 

Then the soft thickness of his lips ghosted the shell of your ear, his words a dripping, dark drawl when he whispered with regret:

“Then I’m a fool…” 

Your eyes met his in the mirror, both your irises gleaming with truth and desire in the low-light. 

“and I am sorry…”

You felt his erection making itself known against your backside, and the fire in your loins had been well and truly stoked. You inhaled a sharp breath. 

“...It seems I have a lot to make up for.”

You agreed with him, a gratified hum escaping your throat, and you pressed your ass against him as you demanded, "You better get started, then. Take off my gown.”

He immediately obliged, and you were naked before him and yourself. You continued to watch him in the mirror as he slowly fell to his knees and carefully took one of your thighs in his large hands, then lifted your leg over his shoulder. He now had open access to your wet entrance, and his lips met your vulva with relish. He looked up at you as his tongue began working your clit with stimulating, swirling circles, his large nose pressing gorgeously into your pubis.

He was always such a balm to all your troubles, even if he was the cause of them. That was always the way of it, it seemed, and you never really wanted anything more. Whatever anxiety and insecurity you possessed dissipated with his reassuring words and validating touch, because he did always come back, no matter how long it took for his shift to end, how much overtime he was putting in. Even though you were uncertain of where he had been or what he had been doing, in the end, he was always there. 

And by God, did he make up for his absences. 

You moved slowly together as he greedily ate you out: your fingers in his hair, his grunts of lust filling your ears as his tongue was filling your cunt. Your mouth was agape with pleasure as you watched him devour you, your eyes flickering between two different points of view thanks to the mirror. His strong hands held you still as you instinctively tried to buck your hips further into his mouth. Time slipped away into strings of moans and several peaks of pleasure, until your body became soft and limp in his arms, and you could hardly stand. 

You were both panting, his face wet with your slick, the ache between your legs was all-consuming and you were utterly desperate to be penetrated deeper, to be stretched by his thick cock. As if reading your mind, he pulled you to the bed, swift and determined, and then you were bent over, your face down into the sheets, your ass up, hips tilted just right.  

“Watch,” he demanded, his belt clinking as he freed himself from his pants. “Watch me as I fuck you.”

You obeyed him, bringing your eyes to your reflection. He spread you open, ran a finger down your drenched slit. You mewled and groaned, the anticipation of his carnal attention causing your legs to shake before he had even sheathed himself inside of you. You watched him look down at your wet cunt in the mirror, the adoration clear from his gaze and the purr of his voice. 

“Let me show you how much I need you. Watch, sweetheart, as I make you cum whilst using your perfect body.”

The filthy words sent electric heat through your core, and you could hardly bear it anymore. He sensed your impatience and slowly pushed into you, your wetness welcoming him, silkily, easy and seamless. You both sighed in blessed relief as he began to fuck you with confident, rapid thrusts. Your eyes stayed glued to his face in the mirror, watching as he had his way with you, as he gazed over your body with nothing but pure devotion in his eyes and satisfaction on his face. It was one of the hottest sights you had ever laid eyes on, and you could already sense the power of the orgasm he was devoutly working on fucking out of you. 

He started to fuck you harder, until the pounding from his strong hips felt like he was splitting you in half, and the depth was an exquisite, gratifying exaltation. His arms looked so large and strong as he gripped on to your hips and waist, his chest wide and stomach thick.

You were moaning, louder and louder, and then his fingers joined the fray, rubbing sweet shocks of pure bliss from your clit. You came hard and suddenly, your eyes shut, your face down into the bed sheets. He grabbed your hair, pulled your face up and made you watch as he had his way with you, as his own orgasm wracked his body, as he came deep and hard inside of you. His broad chest was wet with sweat, his large hands kneading at the soft flesh of your ass.

“Fuck,” you whined, orgasm-struck, the sight too perfect for words.

After a momentary pause, he pulled you into his arms and held you against his hot chest, and you inhaled the smell of him, musky-rich. You planted soft lazy kisses across his pectorals, licking at the tang of his sweat, savouring the salty taste of him. His heart was thudding quickly in his chest, and you listened to the beating proof of his affections, felt his hot breath in your hair as he kissed the top of your head, the strength of his arms that held you securely against his large body.

“I’ll never leave you,” he promised in a low authoritative tone. He began to trace shapes on your back with gentle fingers, and his tenderness was so comforting and reassuring - so rich with sincerity and faith that he threatened your eyes with tears.

“I know,” you reply. And you do, because you can sense the truth in him, feel it in yourself, in how he holds you, listens to and respects you. You smile into his hot skin: he’s here, and he cares. You have felt and seen it plainly, and what loneliness was lurking within you is no more. 

-

[mosquego359]

𖤐One Kiss and A Quidditch Match — Chapter 4: Beauxbatons and Durmstrang𖤐

Prologue (recommended to read)

Chapter 3 (previous)

Pair: Cedric Diggory x Male Slytherin Reader

Word count: 2.7K words

Summary of the book: You and Cedric Diggory hate each other. It has always been this way. But everything changes one night when you kiss each other at a party. Now, it seems you can’t escape each other — from being partnered up in Herbology for an important project to having to help Cedric during the Triwizard Tournament.

Summary of the chapter: Two weeks after you became partners with Cedric, Hogwart's Rival Schools arrive.

Notes: Please comment anything I should change to improve this. Also, I am not British so I am not 100% sure how to correctly write people from the UK. Also, Wix is the gender neutral term for witch and wizard and, like in the books Durmstrang and Beauxbatons are a school with mixed genders. This is the video I'm basing for the guests' introduction.

Content warning: One curse word. It's also a bit fruity.

!PLEASE DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE WITHOUT PERMISSION OR CREDITS TO ME!

...

Around a week or two later, you decided to hang out more with Alistair. Your judgy grudge against him had dimmed to a slight annoyance, and the two of you agreed to not bring it up.

It was now the 30th of October, and Hogwarts’ rival schools, Beauxbatons and Durmstrang were to arrive in the evening. You personally hadn’t given the Triwizard Tournament much though for you were too young to participate and not keen on putting your life in dangerous situations.

The rest of your friends, however — particularly Alistair and Ziggy — were buzzing with anticipation.

And that was how you, Brian and Ziggy’s friend — whom you found out was named Roman Conyngham — silently watched Ziggy and Alistair passionately fantasise about the Triwizard Tournament.

Their conversation buzzed around the air of the grand Dining Hall, a complex and complicated interaction that caused you to zone out from boredom. Your eyes strayed from any of the boys you were with and to Elsie, Winnie and Destiny, sitting together at the Hufflepuff table.

Your mind shifted to the day you and Cedric became partners. 

After class, you watched as Elsie rapidly marched away from the classroom, Destiny by her side. You swore you saw her glance back at you before finally disappearing into the corridor.

At lunchtime, you swiftly devoured your meal, curious yet concerned for Elsie. She was often serious, and that meant what she would tell you was something important. It was probably rather personal since, if it wasn’t, she would have informed you on the spot.

You craned your neck to see if she was still in the great hall — which she was not — before heading to the library with a goodbye from Brian and Winnie. 

It wasn’t hard finding Elsie; she was pacing by a window at the corner of the library — your usual studying spot.

“Elsie?” You said softly to grab her attention.

Her head snapped up, and — with a furrow in your brow — you noticed a stressed look in her golden eyes. She gestured for you to come closer, simultaneously looking around for any snooping students.

“(Name),” she paused, nervously playing with her hair, “It’s about the party…”

You nodded carefully as curious thoughts circled your mind. Was this about Alistair?

“You see, after the whole…fiasco with Campbell,” Elsie cringed, “I went to the drink table since I was looking for Winnie. And I may have taken a couple too many shots. So I was drunk when I finally found Winnie. Stay with me on this, alright?”

You arched a brow. This was about her? Was there drama between them you didn’t know of? If so, why had they been so friendly with one another since the party? Sure, they seemed a bit off at some points, but you didn’t think too much of it.

Elsie glanced nervously to the side, “Winnie agreed to tell you. Please don’t say anything to Alistair, (Name). We’re telling Brian later.”

“You can trust me.” You promised, “Take your time.”

Tugging her brown curls, Elsie stayed silent momentarily, staring at your eyes. You saw how hesitant she was about the conversation and mentally applauded her for opening up to you. She inhaled a big breath, “I kissed Winnie.”

“So, Alistair, how do you feel with your little sis getting along with your ex?” Ziggy asked, snapping you out of your daze.

Alistair shrugged but looked visibly uncomfortable. He shifted in his seat as he replied, “Eh, don’t care much for it. I mean, Winnie can do whatever; I don’t control her life.” He puffed his fringe out of his face.

Ziggy and Roman shared a look, and the former responded in mild disbelief, “Yeah, of course.”

Personally, you were glad that they were all finally getting along, but a small pang of jealousy shot into your heart when you recalled barely talking to them for the entire day. In DADA, they had moved their seats to the back where Destiny sat, and you barely saw them in Herbology because of your project with Cedric Diggory.

Professor Sprout had given you a different room to work in, and when you came out covered in cuts and bruises from the Snargaluff, your class would joke that you were physically fighting.

For example, earlier that day, the Snargaluff was particularly peeved and somehow tangled you and Cedric in its bulky vines. You felt embarrassed to say that Professor Sprout had to rescue you from its grasp.

Needless to say, you felt triumphant when Cedric had to hobble to the nurse to get his scratches checked. Apparently, the Snargaluff’s vines had squeezed his leg so hard it turned blue, thus causing him to get healed. You, on the other hand, felt fine despite an ache in your core and a few scrapes from being compressed by the plant.

You admitted that you felt an odd pang of pity seeing your usually all-powerful rival limp out of the class like a fragile bird. You weren't used to seeing his vulnerable side.

Hands-on your cheek, you glanced over to where he was sitting with his friends. He was laughing, his perfect pearly smile gleaming charmingly. You felt as if some of the girls you knew thought of him as a fairy prince with those gorgeous grey eyes and soft-looking brown hair.

The last time you saw him was in the hallway, walking to his next class, which you believed to be his Transfiguration class. His leg was still in a cast, but he looked to be trying to apply some weight to it with the help of his mates and a mutual friend of yours — Chunhua Chang, also known as Cho.

A wave of warmth subconsciously flooded your heart at the thought of him recovering from the incident. You were honestly glad of his healing and smiled when you noticed he was recounting something to his friends. He was so…

Wait, what were you thinking? 

You shook your head, and despite no one being able to hear your thoughts, your neck grew warm in embarrassment. Sure, you were mildly aware of your attraction to boys, but there was no way you liked Cedric Diggory of all people.

You felt a nudge from your right, “You doing okay, man? Your face looks a bit red,” Roman asked in concern. Sometimes, you were glad most of the other students were ignorant of your odd condition.

“I’m alright, thank you for your worry, Roman,” You smiled calmly at him, and he shrugged.

“Did you see the chariot outside?” you heard a 4th Year student to your left ask her friend with excitement, “Today is the day the foreign students arrive!”

Her friend giggled, “Ahh! Do you think there’ll be any cute boys?”

“Obviously,” the first girl huffed, “French boys are hot.”

“What about those at Durmstrang?”

“Don’t even think about it, Emily! I heard they are troublemakers. Apparently they’ve been cheating at the Triwizard Tournament for years. I doubt any good guys go to that dreadful place.”

You turn away from their conversation, feeling rather awkward listening to a bunch of children for information regarding Hogwarts’ rival schools. Luckily for you, Ziggy and Alistair were now gushing about the games. 

“Hey, Brains, do you think the new schools will arrive soon, I’m starting to get hella impatient,” Alistair huffed and nudged Brian, who was snoozing off. You stifled a laugh at his confused expression.

“Huh?” He asked, and you swore you saw drool trickling down his chin.

“When will we get introduced to Beauxbatons and Durmstrang?” You rephrased Alistair’s question, leading forward curiously.

“So you were listening!” Ziggy jumped in.

Brian ignored him and frowned, “Well, I expect Dumbledore to give us a speech any minute now. I believe he is waiting for the rest of the students to settle in their seats. Surely he won’t make us sit here impatiently for long.”

You craned your neck to the entrances of the Great Hall, noting not a single student in sight seemed to be trickling in. Everyone was here so why wasn’t Dumbledore doing anything.

As if your thoughts were a trigger, the old headmaster stood up from his chair, and, like a magnet, attracted the attention of all the students. Despite your dislike for him because of how he favoured Gryffindor and detested Slytherin, you admitted he was rather excellent at drawing everyone’s eyes to him.

“Well now that we’re all settled in and sorted, I’d like to make an announcement.” Dumbledore commenced. The door to the main entrance cracked open and Filch scrambled over to the headmaster as he continued, causing a few students — including yourself — to chuckle at his silly run, “This castle will not only be your home this year, but home to some very special guests as well.”

The old man paused to listen to what Filch had to say. He nodded carefully, whispering something in his ear before continuing his speech. “You see, Hogwarts has been chosen to host a legendary event: The Triwizard Tournament.” You glanced at the Hufflepuff table, seeing how Cedric’s friends were teasing him and the way he smiled in mild embarrassment. A pang of jealousy shot through your heart. It wasn’t fair that he got to compete, and you weren’t. You were just as powerful, perhaps even more. 

“Now, for those of you who do not know, the Triwizard Tournament brings together three schools for a series of magical contests. For each school, a single student is chosen to compete. Now, let me be clear, if chosen, you stand alone. And trust me when I say these contests are not for the faint-hearted, but more on that later. For now, please join me in welcoming the lovely ladies and men of the Beauxbatons academy of magic and their headmistress: Madame Maxime!”

The doors of the main entrance slid open, and a bunch of students your age strutted in, perfectly in sync and classical music played as they walked.

They were all dressed in a similar fashion: a silky, baby blue uniform with an elegant poncho and small hat. The girls wore skirts over lights while the few boys wore tight-fitting pants that totally did not make you stare at their asses. 

You heard Alistair whistle when they passed. The girl's repressed smiles at his flirtatious move. 

At some point in the song, they extended their arms with a very flowy movement, making you realise they were dancing. They then separated themselves into two groups and lined up in a v formation in front of the students.

A tall woman dressed in furs and leopard prints walked after her students. She had to be at least 2.5 meters if not more. You assumed she was the headmistress, Madam Maxime, as you and many others gaped at her. 

Ziggy and you shared a look, and he mouthed, “She’s humongous.”

In front of her, two students performed a gymnastic choreography, elegantly bowed to their headmistress and finally stepped into the lines their fellow students were placed in. 

Hogwarts erupted into applause, and a few wix even stood up. However, you spotted many girls in the room with disapproving looks on their faces.

Dumbledore carefully took Madame Maxime’s hand and placed a respectful kiss on it. He then walked a bit higher up on the steps and quickly silenced the crowd with his hands.

Alistair whispered to your group with a smirk, “Did you see the pretty blonde one?”  But he was quickly hushed by a few people to his left.

Your eyes scanned the Beauxbaton girls until you spotted one of the girls who bowed to Madame Maxime next to the Hufflepuff table. Her hair was a golden blonde, wrapped in a ponytail, and the front curled around her jaw like a perfect ribbon, framing her glowing face. Even at a distance, you could tell she was stunning.

“And now, our friends from the north!” Dumbledore boomed, grabbing your attention, “Please great proud sons and daughters of Durmstrang and their headmaster Igor Karkaroff.”

A more sombre music started playing along with drums. A band of mostly boys marched in, occasionally hitting their staff on the group and shouting on time with the music. They stuck their staffs forward and twirled them, performing a simple yet powerful choreography as they neared the front with the Beauxbaton students, who had moved to the sides next to the wall.

Suddenly, they rushed forward, and two of them executed a series of somersaults and gymnastics, breakdancing their way where the Beauxbatons students once were while the others placed themselves in a v shape.

Two men entered the Great Hall, and you heard Ziggy and Alistair gasp, and Roman whispering, “Is it really him?”. This caused you to recognise one of those faces as the famous Bulgarian Seeker, Viktor Krum. 

You assumed the mean-looking man in white behind him was the headmaster Igor Karkaroff. You finally noticed a smaller man trailing them, dressed in grey.

The two students who breakdanced blew fire from their wands like dragons, controlling it to make it resemble a phoenix, giving the other students a little spectacle.

When the fire disappeared, they rapidly lined themselves up with the others, making way for Karkaroff and Hogwarts erupted in applause. The Beauxbatons students clapped respectfully.

The headmaster of Durmstrang walked up to Dumbledore, who spread his arms wide in greeting, and they both hugged each other, patting each other on the back in a friendly manner.

Once Karkaroff had moved to the side, Dumbledore cleared his throat to grab the student’s attention from the attractive Beauxbaton candidates, the gymnasts from Durmstrang and Krum.

“Please, please, take a seat, you all, make yourselves at home,” Dumbledore smiled at the crowd of guests. The students shared a look before ultimately choosing their tables. Luckily for you, Durmstrang had chosen the Slytherin one and had settled into their seats. Krum sat next to Alistair and across from Ziggy, who both started shifting in their seats in excitement.

But before they could say anything, Dumbledore spoke.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, ghosts, and — most particularly — guests. I have great pleasure in welcoming you all to Hogwarts. I hope and trust that your stay here will be both comfortable and enjoyable.” You heard a snicker from the Ravenclaw table and rolled your eyes at the disrespect.

“The Tournament will be officially opened at the end of the feast,” Dumbledore continued, “I now invite you all to eat, drink and make yourselves at home!”

Through the meal, Viktor Krum, Ziggy and Alistair started having a conversation while you and your two other friends talked quietly amongst yourself.

Brian and Roman were rather alike: calm and collected, introverted and you found out Roman was a top student in most of his classes. At first, it confused you since you never saw him until he mentioned being in Year 7.

“You gotta have someone to control that energetic idiot,” he shrugged when you asked him about being friends with Ziggy.

Speaking of him, he and Alistair were gushing over Krum, whom you noticed was rather unresponsive. It wasn’t until the Quidditch player glanced at his peers and shifted in his seat that you realised he didn’t like the attention. You felt pity; he was worldwide famous and yet never enjoyed the attention.

At the end of the meal, Dumbledore brought in something called the Goblet of Fire and when he started speaking of signing up for the Triwizard Tournament, you tuned out, a jealous hole forming in your heart. 

Like Alistair, you wanted to participate, but in contrast, you were too young. You recalled the Weasley twins complaining about it in the hallway earlier that day, and despite your indifference to them, you couldn’t help but relate.

Your eyes drifted away from the headmaster to the Hufflepuff table, first to your girl friends, then to Cedric Diggory. To your surprise, he was already staring. Since you were competitive, you instinctively kept your eyes on him until he turned away.

Slowly, you faced the front again. You felt heat rushing to your cheeks and neck for the second time tonight. Your hands were cold, so you pressed them to where your skin felt warm.

Merlin’s Beard, what was happening to you?

[see-arcane]

A message to all the assorted unscrupulous undead: Beware the Ides of March.

To everyone else: Grab your kukri blades, your bowie knives, your stakes, your bone saws, and whatever else you have on hand to appropriately accessorize with your new copy of The Vampyres.

The book is out! Loose! Running rampant and bloodstained through the terrains of eBook and paperback alike!

My beautiful little baby, toddling into the literary world to deliver havoc unto the dastardly bastards of the revenant realm. I’m so proud. (And so happy to feel the stress headache finally start to crack.)

Now that The Vampyres is out in the open, a brief FAQ under the cut:

Where can I get the eBook?

Check out the Universal Book Link (UBL) here:

It’ll show you all the places you can grab a virtual vampyre by the throat.

Where can I get the paperback?

For folks in ‘murrica, I’d say hit up Bookshop.org to go and grab it from your physical store of choice:

You can also just search The Vampyres C.R. Kane and see the waterfall of options. Not sure of the exact timeline, but it should be more widely available in the coming weeks. At least hereabouts:

Pictured: Places to potentially purchase a paperback.

Can I get it at my library?

If you ask for it, yes! You’ll need the ISBNs when filling out your library’s request form, so:

eBook ISBN: 9798218374594

Paperback ISBN: 9798218374587

What’s the status on that paperback cover business?

Current status is still ???

At least in the sense that I’m not sure what version of the book cover you might get at the moment. Original matte? Temporary glossy? Updated matte that’s here to stay? No idea at the moment. My self-publishing page shows the update’s confirmed, but the online stores are still using the first version as the preview image and I’m not sure when that gets swapped out. At least the books are all print-on-demand, so whatever you order, just know it’s not coming from some thrown-away backup heap. It’s fresh from the book oven press.

Anything else I need to know?

First, reviews are extremely welcome! I am running on negative budget when it comes to waving my little flag to announce that I Made a Scary Vampire Book, so I’m really relying on word-of-mouth if I want it to actually get its head above water. Leaving stars and comments wherever you can, be it in the online stores, the Goodreadses or Smashwordses or whatever else, would be a big help.

(Really though, I can and will dissolve into a puddle of relieved ego if I see so much as one (1) Nice Comment on Tumblr, my cesspool of choice.*)

*This is not hyperbole. I can count on one hand how many PROMOTION © ™ posts I’ve made on Twitter and have fingers left over. This novella is tailored to my fellow fiendish bookworms on here.

Second, to those coming by this stuff for the first time and don’t know what all this hoopla is about, a preview of my novella, The Vampyres, is available on my website. Give it a gander if you want to see under-appreciated classic supernatural bogeymen dropped into their own horror story.

Thirdly, lastly, vitally: thank you.

The Vampyres is a beautiful accident that came together out of an itch to rattle something out just for myself; a break from a bloated piece that had turned into a chore which burned me out and threw away the fun of scribbling. A lightweight read that saved me from being crushed by a cinderblock.

By the same token, the people on here have shouldered me up and out of the creative pit of thinking ‘This is all for nothing.’ For all that I talk of how much I’m powered by spite and the desire to Read a Specific Thing only to realize I Have to Write That Thing First, I’d be a liar if I said the kindness and excitement of the folks who’ve been reading my nonsense for (holy hell) TWO YEARS in the wake of the first big Dracula Daily surge didn’t have a major role in getting this thing done.

I did make The Vampyres for me. But it’s for you guys too. For everyone who saw one of my rambles or little fictions and spoke up to say, I love this! I was thinking this! I wanted this! Finally, finally!

When you crack open the cover for the first time, on a screen or in your hands, I want you to know I’m thinking Thank You at you. I hope you enjoy all the horrors inside.

Postscript:

If you want more info on other stuff I'm tinkering with, check out my website here:

[sshadowritestoriess]

I apologize because I know you get a lot of ramattra requests, but can I request a sexually frustrated ramattra?

No problem, this was fun to think about honestly :]

Sexually Frustrated Ramattra

Ramattra is already a very stressed-out and aggravated omnic, so I am in full belief that he would not be able to recognize right away where this new kind of frustration is stemming from

And it would drive him to the brink of insanity. He would seek solutions, first: being somewhat of a workaholic, he’d frantically complete task after task until he has nothing left to finish for that day, maybe even for that week, before he finally allows himself to sit down and meditate for a few hours.

But no matter how deeply he breathes or how still he sits, no matter how many times he refreshes his thoughts and (quite literally) clears his mind, he cannot shake this internal burning feeling that nips at his very fingertips and makes him want to scream

He would resign the peaceful exercise for something more exerting; violence. Practicing the martial arts he was taught at the shambali, kicking and punching at practice-bots and dummies, reaching the point of tearing one apart limb-from-limb and ripping into the center of its intricate chassis— pulling out wires like a child would do to grass in a temper-tantrum

And then the object of his infatuation would pass him by in this all-too-embarrassing moment, asking if he was okay, and then it would click for him. But who was he to ask for that kind of aid after being seen like this?

He would assure you that he’s fine, then escapes your presence to try to take care of it himself, hiding away in his own quarters and stroking himself off with an intense quickness to try and make it go away. Refreshing his systems to rid of this error.

He’s rough with himself, leaning hard into a wall and pulling at a fistful of his cabled mane until he hears the wire enamels creak and snap in his fingers, damaging his own ‘hair’. His hands are just my no means soft, providing an intense friction around his synthetic sex.

So as the Iris would have it, his own stimulation and imagination would not be enough to satiate this cursed sense of hunger.

He would try to disconnect his copulative attachments after some failed attempts to provide himself relief, yet the cravings would remain, just slightly altered for lack of equipment. He still needed to have someone near, to feel hands that weren’t his own reaching into the crevices of his body to force his guard down. He needed to relax at someone else’s bidding. He had just had far too much time by himself and his codependence trait had finally unraveled.

And everything about it makes him angry about the entire world around him, including himself. So the second time he bumps into you, much later in the evening, he’s somewhat hunched over and marching down a hall from his headquarters, red and yellow glimpses of wires practically glowing with a display of rage from the new tears in his cables. There’s always been an air about Ramattra that seems dangerous— but now especially, it felt that he may kill the next thing that enters a ten-foot radius around him.

So you would stop before getting to close, and he’d freeze just the same, staring at you through the dark slits of his faceplate. You could see the way his shoulders rose and fell in a more exaggerated manner, as if he was breathing heavy in his anger (though he doesn’t breathe at all).

It’s not at all difficult to guess he has had a very rough day. And he would further hate himself when you cautiously ask again if he was doing alright— clearly, he wasn’t, but it was invitation to speak or ask for help. And with a small pause in reluctance, feeling far more embarrassed than he would have liked (especially for spending half the day trying to get off) he would.

“I need… assistance,” The word would be hissed out as if he had gritted teeth, “for something far more mundane and—“ he’d force his gaze away from you, “—private than our usual tasks.”

You’d ask what it is he needs, of course. There’s an air of nervousness between you both— Ramattra in fear of dragging himself further through this muddy situation, and destroying all chances of you feeling comfortable around him ever again for what he’d like to ask of you.

But he’s already found himself here and has run out of ideas, and he’s not the omnic to put things very lightly. So he’d just come out and say it.

“Sex.” The word is spat as though it offended him, and he’d drop his head toward the ground with a defeated sigh. He’d raise a hand and roll his wrist almost dismissively, “I cannot bring myself to function without this lingering frustration for the moment, so if you would like to help or have any suggestions that would ensure this feeling goes away, I would certainly appreciate it.”

[mynameisjag]

More stress, more stress drabbles.

Follows right after the last one.

Hope, everyone is doing alright.

Later in the day would find Storm and her friend in the kitchen, much more rested and idly chatting to each other.

Logan had a sling across his chest, tiny little hands peeked out, grabbing at his shirt as the man himself hummed a low tune as he fixed a bottle. Scooping some calcium powder into the milk and ignoring the stares he was getting from the group staring at him from across the room.

Storm herself was sipping some lovely tea and getting amusement at her friends watching in disbelief as the Wolverine prepared a bottle like it was an old routine to him.

Finally having enough of just standing around and getting no answers, Rogue casually strolled over and leaned on the counter next to him, looked over at the open tote bag sitting on the counter, diapers, clothes, wipes, a few more bottles peaked out, she hummed before turning her full attention to the man, “Whatcha got there?”

“Calcium powder.”

“Lo, darlin’, you know that is not what I meant.”

He huffed, eyes rolling as he started to feed the bottle to his tiny passenger, “This is Laura, my kit…my baby.”

Silence.

He turned to glare at the group that had formed in the kitchen, eyebrow raised, “What?”

Scott took a step forward, “Where did she come from?”

“From me.”

“Where’s the other parent?”

“Just me, she’s 100% mine.”

“…did you suddenly gain the ability of mitosis?”

“…what?”

“It’s a real concern, look at our life and tell me it’s not.”

“No, Scott, I do not have the power of mitosis…that I am aware of,” Logan glanced down at the baby in his arms, her little face scrunched up as she ate, tiny angry rumble coming from her like a kitten as though she was mad that she couldn’t drink it all in one go, “easy, sweetheart, it’s all yours.”

He looked back at the group, “If you don’t mind, I’ve got things to do,” with that he grabbed his tote and marched off, getting a little farewell wave from Storm on his way out.

Everyone watched the door shut behind him, giving it a few seconds before unleashing chaos in a rapid fever of questions.

“Okay, so did he disappear to have her like a cat-“

“Whose the other parent?! Fess up!”

“We've all seen his bare ass enough times to know he himself physically didn’t have her-

“Unless-“ “No.”

Storm just hummed into her tea, satisfied with the knowledge she had been the first and so far the only one of the X-men to hold their newest member. The others could bicker and theorize all they wanted to about her origins, what mattered most was that the littlest Wolverine was home now.

Also that she had bragging rights, that was important too and that brought a smile to her face.

Her smile grew as she took in the conversation go on around her.

“If you would let me explain the theoretical concepts on how he could have had her on his own-“

“Hank, no, your fanfiction tabs are not “theoretical concept research”.”

“Well, your wife is the one who introduced me to the art, lets ask her.”

“…Scott…”

“Jean, no.”

[scaramouche-writes]

Mini smutshot

Okay, like I promised here y'all go! (Feeding my children) And don't forget, requests ARE open. TW: Fingering, oral sex, raw sex, cunnilingus, degrading acts, and foul language, Scara's a bitch...per usual though. Also I am sooo sorry Kazuha's is short, I couldn't think of what to write for him. Enjoy, loves <3 Y'all have been warned. Don't come at me please 😭😭😭 2.1k words

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Scaramouche/Wanderer:

He was gone again....for work...you sighed. You felt very lonely. It was hard when he had to leave...sure you may have been used to it at this point, but you still couldn't help but feel a twinge of pain in your chest when you heard he had to leave. And to add onto the stress of worrying about him, and when he'd get home, you had to deal with a boss who severely underpays his workers, leading them all to be grumpy. You were supposed to get your paycheck today, and when you didn't, you marched straight over to your boss, who just shrugged and said. "Sounds like a problem that YOU need to take care of. Not me." And my god were you pissed. You were ready to break someones face in. This entire 3 weeks, it's been like this. Get up, go to work, get mistreated, go home, eat dinner alone. It was like that all the time. You were getting so tired and frustrated because of it all. It was just too much for you to take in. When Scaramouche FINALLY came home, he was exhausted and ready to just get wrapped up in your embrace. But you just denied him. You quite literally turned your body away from him, and face the wall, with your arms crossed over your chest....Sure it was petty, but you wanted him to feel the same way as you did, when he left you pent up, and by yourself. Annnnddddd let's just say Scaramouche didn't take that too well. He gripped your shoulders. "Hey, what the hell y/n?! Pay attention to me."

He waved a hand in front of your face "Hello. I'm talking to you!" He said clearly frustrated with your attempts at ignoring him. His deep violet eyes, clearly had a hint of desperation in them. "Fuck off." Was all you said to him, as you shoved his hands off of you. "What's your deal?" Scaramouche asked in a snarky tone "I DON'T have a 'deal' I'm fine" You snapped back "Really? Because to me, you're acting like a little prissy pants." You had already been feeling shitty, and when he said that, you lost it. You quickly snapped your head to face him, and slapped him across the face. The room was silent...the only thing that could be heard, was the slap echoing throughout the room. His head was forced to the side as you hit him. He slowly turned back to face you. Scaramouche looked pissed. Pissed as all hell. He roughly shoved you against the wall "You dare do that to me!?" He was not happy You only glared at him, which fueled the already tense energy of the room. "Don't act like you're everything just because you were chosen for a 'important mission'" You snapped back at him He got up real close and personal to you, so close that you could feel his breath against your lips glaring with his hate filled eyes. "You have NO right to lay a hand on me like that." He answered back. "Do not EVER do that again. Do you understand me?" He asked clearly not in the mood for games. You didn't answer him, which caused him to roughly grab your jaw in one hand, as the other held you to the wall "I SAID do you understand me?" He spoke clearly and loudly "No" You said back, just trying to push his buttons at this point...which he won't lie, it worked. You were severely pent up, and ready to piss him off so much until he fucked you dumb. He growled at you and pushed you farther into the wall. And then out of no where, he suddenly slammed his mouth onto yours. It wasn't pretty, or all that nice. It was sloppy and he kind of hit your teeth with his. His hands went under your shirt, and he started taking off your bra, as he smushed his body onto yours. Once the bra was off, all hell broke lose. Scaramouche rubbed your sensitive nipples in his fingers, twisting and pinching them. You let out a soft cry of pleasure into the kiss. When you moaned Scaramouche smirked wider. He grabbed a fist full of your tit and massaged it in his hand. You whimpered and whine, practically begging for more When he pulled away, he smirked at you "Do you really think you deserve this?" He scoffed "Because after what you pulled, I don't think so." His hands moved from under your shirt, to your ass, he roughly grabbed the piece of flesh in his hands and squeezed. His hands slipped under your skirt, and to your dripping heat. You weren't wearing panties.... "What a naughty girl" Scaramouche mocked "Well, there's only one way you get naughty girls to do what you want" He without warning roughly shoved his fingers into your cunt, and started pumping his fingers in and out of you, with no mercy. You let out a cry of pleasure, as your body begun to shake at the unexpected amount of pleasure that just went through your body, that felt oh so electrifying

Let's just say, you won't be going back to work for a couple of days....

-------------------------------------------------------------- Kazuha:

Kazuha was a quiet and reserved kind of guy. You did do quite a bit to try and get his attention though. Wearing lingerie Saying dirty things Sharing your fantasies Your wants and desires, But nothing seemed to be enough. You wanted more....and he just wasn't giving you his all. You wouldn't stop though. Not until you finally fix this little.....problem....of his. You had been accompanying him on his mission to help the traveler. Though sometimes it felt like he gave the traveler more attention than you. It was frustrating to say the least. You walked hours through different types of environments, and while all of them were pretty in their own way, none of them were as pretty as your white haired boyfriend. He was constantly talking to the traveler and it was no longer just frustrating. You were done with it. So done. And once you called him out for it, all he said was a soft "Sorry" And that was it. No plan on what he was gonna do to fix it, or any comfort. You had all just come back from the fight with the Shogun, and you were currently cleaning his wounds. You sat on the bed with alcohol in your hand dabbing the gash on his back/ You leaned forward, next to his ear and whispered "You gonna stop right?" "Stop what?" Your poor clueless boyfriend asked. You suddenly pressed on his gash, making his back go straight up, and he winced a little. "Hey...what was that for?" He asked still not sure what was going on "Well if you had just promised not to be so touchy with the traveler, we wouldn't have a problem, would we?" You asked switching your position so that you were practically on top of him. Tonight would be the night. Finally. You'd make him go all out. "I guess you care about the traveler more than me." You spoke. "Y-you know that's not true y/n....." Kazuha said a bit flushed at the sudden change of position. "Yes you do. You just love them and want to protect them more than you ever would with me." You said back. You two went on like this for a while. Back and forth "This happened and you don't love me" To "You know that's not how it is." Eventually he got a little fed up with your behavior and without much warning slipped his pants down and moved your panties to the side, slamming you down on his hard cock. You didn't get a chance to adjust before he started moving your hips for you. Kazuha bit his lip and let out heavy breaths. The suddeness of all the pleasure made you throw your head back and let out little groans. "Be quiet please." Was all he said, harshly, just also in a way that you knew he wouldn't hurt you. That night was a long night for you. But hey.....

You asked for it, right.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Xiao:

You liked tracing your fingers along his tattoo. Drawing over the shape of it. You liked to make him sit down after a long day out, and you like to play with his messy blue hair, and trace his tattoo. It was a long day for him today. He came back home, all tired and sore. You offered a massage, but he decline. You wanted to help, but didn't know how.... You even tried to get him to sit down so you could play with his hair, and trace his tattoo...like always, but he was not having it. "No thanks y/n" "Look, I'm not in the mood" "Can you just leave me alone" And that's where you find yourself now... Alone in your room, with your knees to your chest while laying against the headboard, and Xiao out in the hallway pacing....Why was he so stressed? And why did he have to be so mean about it too!? ...You were just trying to help.... You could feel a lump in your throat, and tears in your eyes, but you quickly sniffled and wiped off the tears, clearing your throat. It felt like forever in a day, but finally there was a sudden eager knock on the door. You sighed. It was probably Xiao....you didn't want to talk to him now....especially in fear of letting him see the state you're in just because of his words. It was pathetic....I mean he was just stressed, he didn't mean it....right? So why were you so upset? You couldn't figure it out... The knock rang throughout the walls again, "y/n?" "Can we talked please?" He asked, with desperation coming out of his tone. You could tell he felt bad by the guilt that was evident in his tone. "What?" You asked back to him bluntly. The door slowly opened to reveal a short guilt-ridden man. Xiao went in cautiously going slow to make sure you were okay with this. Once he realized you weren't gonna throw a fit about it, he walked in more and shut the door behind him. At this point you had laid down and turned away from him. You couldn't look him in the eyes....at least not right now. Currently Xiao took a seat on the foot of the bed. He gently rubbed your legs, and turned you over to face him "Listen.....I'm...sorry...I shouldn't have been so rude when you were just trying to help." Xiao said with an apologetic soft smile. You sat up in bed and hugged him tightly. "It's okay...I know you didn't mean it" Xiao gladly accepted the hug, and squeezed you back tightly, letting his hands go under your arms, and around your body to meet once again. You both stayed like that for a couple of minutes. Soon Xiao pulled away and planted a kiss to the top of your head. "I'm gonna make it up to you, okay?" Xiao stood up and pulled you to the edge of the bed, grabbing you by your ankles. He slowly hooked his middle finger in your pants, and pulled them down. He tossed the now discarded pants on the ground...somewhere. He slowly got to his knees and spread your thighs open. You blushed and on instinct, you tried to shut your legs, to which he rubbed your thighs and looked up at you with a soft gaze. "Relax.....I'll take care of you...Don't worry." He then slowly moved closer to your wet pussy. The suddeness of the situation couldn't help but make you horny. He gently spread your lips apart with his index and middle finger, he then gave your cunt a few kitten licks before attaching his lips to your sensitive bud, and sucking. Your hands instantly went to grip Xiao's hair, in an attempt to get more friction. You threw your head back and moaned loudly "O-oh go-d~ X-xiao, yes...yes please that feels so good!" You whined out. Xiao only smirked and sucked your poor swollen bud harder. You crossed your thighs around his back, pulling him closer, causing him to moan against your heat, sending vibrations up your spine. I'd say he made up for his mistake, wouldn't you?

[takami-takami]

I am stressing so fucking bad about money right now bro. Why can't things be free.

I. Did not get any student loans this year. I have an outstanding balance of like 9 thousand dollars. I thought I would be able to register for my spring courses, but my school placed a financial hold on my account and I can't sign up for classes unless I pay the outstanding balance. I only have ONE SEMESTER LEFT TO GRADUATE. I just need to sign up One last time to be able to fucking graduate but they fucking locked my account.

And. I had to get teeth pulled back in March. I waited SO fucking long to get implants put in because I didn't have any fucking insurance until recently. And now that I do, I go to the dentist to finally get my teeth put back in, and they tell me that insurance doesn't cover implants. I will have to fork up 2.4k dollars for the surgery, and 2.8k dollars for the teeth. And because I waited so long, my sinuses are migrating into my gums and they won't even be ABLE to do this surgery unless I get it done NOW. I would have gaps in my teeth permanently if I don't.

And like. I have a fund I can dip into. Though it pains me to have to do such a thing. It's the money my grandma set aside for me. But I don't even? Know if I can do both? That's so much fucking money. Like that's genuinely so much fucking money it's crazy.

I reached out to my advisor to ask if she can do something on her end to cut a corner. If not it's just extremely stressful. My parents said they'll pay for my teeth IF the dentist agrees to a payment plan. So if that goes through, I can get my teeth. And if my advisor can't help me then I'm gonna have to completely empty the money that my grandma set aside for me and that saddens me so much because of how fucking hard she worked for that and it's just being used for a single fucking school payment?

It's so fucking ridiculous. The first thing I'm doing when I get a job is refilling that account because jesus fucking christ.

[glittering-moonlillie]

I Hate You, Be My Girlfriend: Part Three (Damian Wayne x Reader)

Warnings: Again, bad Barbara characterization.

Word Count: 1,676

Summary: You finally meet Damian's family, and everything goes according to plan...until it doesn't?

You both got out of his car, stumbling your way to the daunting gates of Wayne Manor hand-in-hand. Unlike the other times Damian had returned to his childhood home, Alfred was not there to greet him with the dutiful smile he always carried. It was just another reminder of how much things have changed since he was 13, everything except him.  

His home loomed over him like a pitch black shadow, the lights that cascaded around the green hedges created an ominous glow. Never in Damian’s life had his father’s house felt as huge as it did now. He subconsciously pulled you in closer just so he could feel the warmth of your skin. You turned to him, eyes broad and dilated, the reflection of the inside lights almost making it seem like they were sparkling. 

“We aren’t even inside yet and I am already amazed! I can’t even imagine living in a place this huge!” You giggled like a frenzied child who had just experienced snow. 

The path to the manor’s main door felt like the calm before a storm with every step he was taking feeling like his own death march. One wrong move by either of you and you could be busted. His pride would be demolished and, well, you would be known as the poor unfortunate soul who made the deal with the Devil. 

What annoyed Damian even further was the fact that you seemed so awestruck with your surroundings that you couldn’t even bother to be worried like he was. Didn’t you understand that your reputation was on the line too? It was unbelievably frustrating, but what was even more frustrating was the fact that whenever he looked at you to scold you for it, his throat would clog up and he would suddenly remember how nice it felt to be holding your hand. 

“Do I look okay? You keep looking at me funny…” You asked softly. 

Damian scoffed, his face burning. “You look…fine…I just don’t understand how you look so calm.”

He absolutely despised how you looked at him as if you understood his whole being. “Oh. I guess I’m just excited about meeting your family.” You gave him another smile. “Plus, yknow, it’s not hard pretending to love..people…” 

There was a noticeable pressure in his chest when Damian heard those words, as if he was having heart palpitations, except heart palpitations never felt so torturously delightful. It only worsened when you continued to give him that adorable grin. The best decision seemed to ignore what he was feeling, especially since there was a more pressing matter at hand. 

Just in case all else failed, Damian made sure to create several fool proof contingency plans he could lay back on. He took one final breath before walking up the last few steps of the porch and grasping the golden doorknob, knocking on the dark wood. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick happened to be the one who let you guys into the enormous Manor, which you still were amazed at even if Damian gave you a side glare every few minutes. The older brother gave you a quick tour of the first floor which followed up with the most stressful game of 20 questions you had ever played. The questions were simple at first - how did you two meet and what classes are you taking in college? Once you met Damian’s other siblings though was when the questions became harder to answer without becoming an oozing puddle or exploding into a kaleidoscope of butterflies.

What did Damian do to gain your attention and by God, what made you want him out of all the other potential bachelors lining up on your doorstep. 

As if there were any other bachelors waiting on your doorstep. 

Thankfully, Damian was there to smooth out all the details with that casual suave charm he had - a charm that you are now realizing belongs to most of the members of his family. It was getting hard not to become antsy when Damian smiled so lovingly at you, all the while explaining the embarrassingly (and true) story of how you met in the library and how he had helped you get out from under a bookshelf that had fallen on top of you. Granted, it was a shelf that you had scaled because the particular book you wanted was on the top shelf, thus making it impossible for you to get. Still, it would have been nice to create a more romantic first meet story rather than just being pictured like an idiot. Although, you supposed, this was Damian and he would take any and every opportunity for you to look like an idiot. 

Other than that, everything seemed to be going according to plan. It seemed like Damian’s family liked you, and most importantly, they showed no sign of suspicion towards your guys’ relationship. His family was a little odd though, and you couldn’t help but wonder how Bruce Wayne managed to adopt so many chaotic and unique children in a row. 

You had met Dick first; He was the oldest there and seemed to keep the peace between everyone else in the family. His hair was dark, but you couldn’t tell if it was a deep brown or black and his eyes were a disturbingly bright blue. He was charming and easy to talk to, instantly making you feel like you were already part of the family. It was clear why Barbara loved him so much. 

You had met Tim next, who seemed to be at a loss at your appearance. Damian couldn’t help smirking at his face. Out of everyone, he was the most suspicious of you and Damian’s relationship, even stating how Damian seemed too sugary and sweet to be natural. Other than that, he seemed nice enough. The brothers seemed to have a love-hate relationship, most of which being perpetuated by Damian while Tim continued to play the tired and irritated older brother. Despite being the CEO of Wayne enterprise, he seemed so young, his face carrying the wrinkles and eyebags of a 50 year old. 

There were three girls at the dining table. You were introduced to all of them - Stephanie, Barbara and Cassandra -  but you talked the most to Stephanie, a blonde who was the closest to your age. She was really ecstatic to see Damian “in love” and she jokingly asked if he would propose to you soon. You managed to laugh off the proposition while Damian’s eyebrows creased as if he was actually considering it. Cassandra was quiet while Barbara exuded a confident quick-wittedness to her that made you feel she could point out everything you were doing wrong in your life. 

Eventually Alfred and who you assumed to be Jason came out with delicious smelling food, the latter of which grumbling about how no one else helped out because he was the only competent one in the kitchen. Damian had always depicted Jason as the black sheep of the family but you weren’t ever sure why. Other than having a chunk of his hair dyed a pearlescent white, he seemed fairly normal.

“Where’s father? Isn’t he supposed to be here?” Damian’s voice was quiet but maintained a steely undertone. Everyone shared a look with each other, then back at you, as if they were all in on a secret and you were the only one left out. 

“He uh, he’s getting things situated before we all leave tomorrow afternoon.” Tim hesitantly said. 

Damian leaned back in his chair, his face pulled into an unsatisfied scowl. “Of course he is.”

Damian never opened up to you about his relationship with his father, but it was safe to say that they weren’t that close. You and him never shared the type of relationship in which he could be vulnerable with you, but it felt imperative that you were there for him, even if he was uncomfortable with it. 

You gently put your hand on top of his seeing as how it calmed him down before, swallowing all the nervousness you had and kissed his cheek. You tried your best to make it seem seamless and natural, but it most likely wasn’t. “I’m sure we’ll get to see him tomorrow morning, Dami.”

The look Damian gave you melted your heart. It was a mix between staggered and confused, like a deer caught in the middle of the road about to be hit by a truck.  

“Jeez, get a room you two! You’re worse than the engaged couple!” Jason laughed. 

“Do you see how red they are, it’s like they haven’t kissed before!” Tim argued, still mildly suspicious. 

That seemed to knock some sense back into Damian’s bewildered state, looking to Drake than back at you. His face lit up dangerously. “Shut up Drake, of course I have kissed my girlfriend.”

“Uh huh, so it wouldn’t be a problem if you two kissed right now?” The water you had previously been drinking almost surged out of your mouth, your eyes wide. 

“I-I…Dami..Damian isn’t really a fan of public affection like that and-” Damian squeezed your hand again, causing you to stop mid sentence. 

“Hush, beloved. It’s just one simple kiss. We’ve done way worse stuff before.” He husked. You did your best to keep the not-so-clean thoughts out of mind when he mentioned the last part. Damian swiftly pulled you closer to the point where you were half in your chair, half sprawled on his lap. “Plus, if I get to prove Tim wrong, then it’s just a bonus.”

Your body was completely on fire, every single touch Damian graced you with sending fireworks bursting along your skin. Breath was in short supply and you were pretty sure your hands were becoming clammy with sweat. He titled your chin up with his forefinger and thumb, looking down at you as if he really did love you. You tried not to let the possibility of it being true drown you. It was an impossible task, especially when you can feel his gentle lips barely gracing yours. 

You were doomed. 

MwahahahahAHAHAHahahhahahAH

I am evil >:)

Writing part three really was a demonstration of patience and trusting the writing process, and how taking breaks are necessary. Four hours ago, I felt like banging my head against a wall at how terrible this originally was and it wasn't until I stepped away, took a nice bath and baked some cookies that I everything started to click into place.

But I am extremely tired and am going to pass out in the next five seconds.

Lastly, here is my awesome and amazing taglist!

@greenkiki, @noah-uhhh-what, @littlemiss-nightshade, AND @itzstaticrainbow

[lady-phasma]

It’s me again 💝

I’ve been in the Hotd fandom since the show first aired but got really into it once adult Aemond showed up . I’ve dabbled in a bunch of what I call creator content, fics , imagines even editing videos … I just don’t seem to find my people or I have people and they talk for awhile but then ghost . I try not to stress cause I get it we have lives and that shit comes first but it’s just idk sad when I try so hard and I’m lost in the crowd if you will. I’ve reached out to people via dm and I usually try to comment and give my opinion to get some interaction . Perhaps I’m making a bigger deal than I should . I would love to come off anon and dm but I just don’t wanna be judged and I say this even though I know people reading this will think pathetic . It is what it is

Hi 💝! Thank you for writing again! First, no negative self-talk on my blog. 😊 It's not a rule exactly, but I don't support it. Maybe you follow me, that's irrelevant, but I doubt that the demographic of my followers will think anything about this is pathetic. Outside of them, if they think that, they can block me and then we don't have to worry about their opinions, do we?

Now that's out of the way, don't worry about coming off anon. You don't have to or you can decide later. I answered another ask and said this and it bears repeating:

Feelings are valid, but they are not always truth.

Maybe it is a big deal to you at this point in your life. It has been to me at other times (not on Tumblr because I was on a near-10 year break from it). I don't like to give advice because I'm not in your shoes. I can only offer an ear to listen and my honest opinions.

Keep creating!! Whether it's in a fandom setting or not. I only write what I want to write. I only make gifs of what I want (or need for a fic). Make things when you feel inspiration or even if you don't. Drop your imagines in here if you want. Especially (but not limited to) excitement you have during the second season! There is going to be so much lovely chaos during the second season. We are all going to have thoughts!

As for your experience on your blog, follow more people, reblog with comments/discourse (if it's kind and not hurtful). And try not to compare yourself to others. I know it's difficult when notes on a post feel so damn good, but they aren't always immediate. And be yourself. I don't mean any of this as advice - it's just how I behave on here. Try not to try, just be.

I am so glad you've been in the fandom since the start! I stared my HotD experience on AO3 because I had been on there for years. Then a conversation in the comments in October 2022 got me on Tumblr for the first time since 2013/14. I'm so glad it did! There has been drama (I took a hiatus from Jan 2023 until March 2024) but there has been more joy and fun than that for me. I do that on purpose.

As I've said before, there were about 9 million viewers for the season 1 finale. That's a lot of people. More than I can imagine. So, if I were to offer advice it would be this: this time around for me I have been looking at the tags I follow more often than I used to. I look at posts that are like-minded: kind posts, funny posts that don't make fun of any part of the fandom, and posts about niche characters/elements. Then I look at that blog further, check out older posts to see if they have my same values (or close), and if so, I give them a follow. People don't always follow back, that's okay. But I get to see their positivity or inclusivity and that enriches my experience. The Nettles community is one of the best out here and I am so glad I get to be a part of it. We don't always agree but it's so fun to find a part of another aspect of the fandom. I throw my net wide because there are so many of us.

Lastly, like I said in a recent answer: what do you do to make others feel heard? Do you comment on posts when people express that they are lonely in a fandom? Do you give them a hug emoji or a "hey, I see you" kind of reaction? I do these things when I see those posts because what we put out comes back to us. Treat others how you want to be treated. That's not to say you haven't been doing this but if you haven't, maybe think about why - are you shy, judgmental, unsure how it will be received, or other motivations to keep scrolling?

I want everyone to have a great time in this or any fandom. This fandom in particular needs more positivity and inclusivity. I didn't get the nickname auntie for nothing. 💕 But it's never forced or fake. Come back to my inbox any time and as often as you like. We don't have to keep discussing this unless you want to! Is Aemond your favorite? Which episode do you dislike the most? Are you excited about something in particular for season 2? But there is no expectation or obligation.

[oracle-fae]

a short life update

it's been a while since i've posted. i wanted to share a few things that have been going on with me. back in March i started getting mental health help through a local psychiatry program and was diagnosed with ADHD. i began taking a new medication on top of my antidepressant and was referred for a full psych evaluation. once I spoke with my psychiatrist, she started me on a third medication for anxiety that I can take as needed. she also gave me a referral for a therapist.

i had my first therapy session two days ago and I still feel kind of emotionally exhausted from it after having to bring up a few stressful topics. overall i'm equal parts nervous and excited to finally unbox some of the trauma I've experienced in my life.

it was recommended that I keep a journal for therapy. I used to journal regularly but life got in the way and it became less and less of a priority. I did make a couple of entries over the weekend, though, but I don't have too much to write about as of late.

aside from my mental health, I've been dealing with the day to day stresses of being a mom, wife, and homemaker. my three year old broke his collarbone last week and my 17 month old is now at the age where everything is fascinating and must be touched. my husband works an insane amount of hours for the railroad and hasn't been able to do much besides eat and sleep. so, it's been a hell of a few months to say the least.

i'm still around-ish, but i'm spending more time in books and with my family than I am on the internet. earlier this year I finished the ACOTAR series and took several weeks to regroup. I finished a book called Credence this weekend and am trying to choose between two other books at the moment.

anyway, that's about it. if I get any downtime this coming week I will try to add some things to my queue now that Tumblr is once again fresh in my mind. if I don't, i'll pop back in eventually.

much love xx

[fantasies-fairytales-n-fics]

Code Blue Ch. 47- Punch Drunk Love

Summary: It's one step forward and two steps back for Lee and Jo. The same can be said for Jo and Craig, only their encounter "lands" on a more comical note. Jo wants to play detective. Dave receives a message from beyond the grave.

*Chapter Warnings* language, angst, mentions of murder, drinking, intoxication, ghost child

Chapter characters: Lee, Josie, Craig, David, Jacob

Chapter word count: 6,699

Stories Stories Stories Masterlist

Salem, Massachusetts

March 21, 2023

An hour had passed since Lee had left you in the boathouse after his regretful blowup. As he sat in his lake house bedroom, staring blankly out the window at the gray sky morning, he could hear the muffled voices of you, Britt and Jason downstairs and then all went quiet, except for the creaking of his door opening.

He closed his eyes and lowered his head in sadness when he felt you softly sit down on the opposite side of the bed. As your movement ceased and you began to speak, a subtle breeze laced with the biting scent of your intoxicating vampire perfume flowed straight to Lee's nose, causing his heart to palpitate as he eagerly inhaled it.

"Jason and Britt are gone, just as you wanted. I think I should go too as soon as the laundry finishes."

Lee turned his head to the side and could see that you were sitting with your back to him.

"I'm sorry about your brother."

"What for? You were right Lee. He and Britt shouldn't be here. It was my stupid idea to bring him here to help Britt."

"It was both of our ideas Jo and it was for the best. Now he can take care of the woman he loves and leave us out of it. I don't want any part of this shit anymore Jo."

"I can agree with you there. Neither do I."

Your weary tone spoke a frightening volume to Lee.

"Does that include me...Jo?"

Your soft voice became hesitant and shaky as you still wouldn't turn to face him.

"I...I don't know what to do anymore Lee. All these secrets are like an incurable cancer and every time I believe it's in remission because you tell me it is, the secrets metastasize and honestly, I don't know if that is even the worst part anymore because we both just accused each other of killing Elizabeth."

"Yep." Lee softly and sorrowfully agreed as he nodded, then turned to face your backside.

"The only difference is, I stood by you and tried to protect you over it by disposing of the blatant evidence I found in my car, but you...you allowed Luke to put doubts in your mind with his circumstantial bullshit and you turned on me. You're the only one who's ever truly known the real me and yet you actually believed I was capable of doing something so repulsive, that I am some monster."

You finally turned to face him with an anxious tone.

"Lee...I am sorry. I know in my heart you didn't hurt Liz and yes, I stupidly let Luke twist my thoughts. God, it's just that lately, your behavior has been so erratic and even violent and you won't tell me why!"

"What..so I'm not allowed to be human and have emotions that happen to include anger?? Everything that has been going on is why Jo and we all react differently to stress, you know that. The day you tried to justifiably attack Landy's sister, THAT was violent but I didn't believe that could make you a murderer. Look at the violent shit Luke has done. He deserved that vase to the head. And Carpenter deserved my fist in his face and Gordon deserved his ass handed to him."

"I get all of that. I do. Can't you put yourself in my shoes just for a minute about Liz though? You cut her seatbelt to mess with her and kept that from me and when you had finally learned the truth that she was responsible for Jacob's death, you and my brother plotted right in front of me about taking her out and framing Ethan and you refused to help her when she was brought to the ER. And now I find out you were off living some double life with Luke that involved blowing up terrorists and god knows what else. What was I supposed to believe?"

"Me Jo. You were supposed to believe me. You just said you believe in your heart that I didn't do it, so which is it Jo? Are you with me or are you against me because it's feeling a lot like you're still against me and if that's the case, then why are you even here?? Jesus Jo...what I did for you, you haven't even said a word about that. Ethan's clearly been watching us. He snuck in here before he killed Liz and took my car, my knife and your clothes, then after he took care of her, he planted everything, all in hopes of framing you because we both know he wants you away from me and yes Jo, at first I believed you had done it, but ONLY due to having some blackout break in reality from your pills and all that wine."

"Something still don't seem right Lee. Why didn't he just kill me then? Wouldn't that have been the easiest and fastest way to get me out of your life and.."

"Jo, stop, god, don't say this shit. Just the thought of him being in this house and anywhere near you......"

Lee paused and rubbed his palms over his face, releasing a stressed sigh, then continued.

"Besides the most important reason, that being that he knew I would come and kill him without hesitation...he still needed to cover his ass in her death because he knew he would be a number one suspect. We weren't supposed to find it Jo. I'm willing to bet Ethan was going to drop an anonymous tip to the police about the evidence and I honestly thought that was why Luke was here, so now, I'm also feeling something isn't right because no one has showed up. Regardless Jo, I risked everything for you, my career, my freedom, because that would all be gone if it were found out I destroyed all the evidence and I DID it to make it all go away for you and like some stupid school boy, I actually thought you'd be impressed."

"What I am is scared Lee. I understand why you did what you did and I DO appreciate it, I promise you, but you have still got to get rid of that knife. He killed her with it and it can be matched up to her wounds."

"I'll take care of it. It will never be found."

"And then what Lee? We just go on with our lives as if nothing ever happened? I mean, first of all, Luke is never going to give up. It's his job now and...."

Lee sarcastically snickered. "It's just his way to feel like he's a good person."

"God Lee, I just don't get it. When he came back for Landy, you and he seemed like really great friends, but with what I just overheard between you and my brother, how is that if Luke supposably set you up as you put it?"

Lee shook his head in frustration. "There's no supposably about it Jo. He did what he did and we were both just trying to move on from it, from that life. I just wanted to forget it and then he just shows back up here as if nothing ever happened and his presence brings back all those bad memories and all those feelings of having to be on guard every second. None of that life was ever supposed to involve you. I didn't hide it from you to be sneaky or deceitful. I'm not that person anymore and I don't want to be, but he brings it out of me and not only that, but I'm not oblivious to his desire of you either. I just want him to go back to where he came from and stay there, in the past. You and I were finally getting it right and he swoops in and fucks our forever all up and now here we are, yet once again. And I know Jo, I know that everything happening is not all because of him. I know it's me too and god, I am trying so hard to be the man you want me to be and that you deserve after all you have been through in the past, but all I have done is drag you through hell and let you down over and over again. You're this angel of light and I'm nothing but a devil of darkness."

Lee's voice had become choked up and if there was one thing that tugged at your heart strings, it was seeing him cry.

"Please don't speak about yourself that way." you compassionately said as you scooted over to him and rubbed his back.

"You're not evil baby. You just feel cornered and like no one is on your side and I cannot apologize enough for ever thinking you could have hurt Liz. All that murder plot talk with Jason was nothing but anger. Your fears had just been validated that she was responsible for Jacob's death and as far as not wanting to help her at the hospital is quite understandable. I overreacted about all that Lee. I know in my heart what a compassionate and kind person you are. It's one of the many reasons I fell for you, so fast and so damn hard. And as far as myself, I am certainly no angel. I have a dark side. You've seen it, especially around Megan. She brings something out of me just like Luke does to you. I don't want to be that person either so I get it. Now you though, you had every reason to believe I could have done it and what you did to protect me, the sacrifices you were willing to make, means everything to me. That is FAR from letting me down. I'm so sorry for how I reacted. So you know, I...I would have done the same for you...without hesitation."

You slid your hand down his bare arm and laced your fingers into his. Lee softly sighed and tried to smile as he then placed his other hand over the union.

"I look at you Jo and I...I just love you and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you. I did not wait for you. I didn't even know you were coming. When you walked into my life, I didn't know it was you because I didn't know there WAS a you. You were never a list, a goal, an expectation, a dream, ok maybe you were a dream. You were a surprise, a gift, an adventure, a new beginning to a story I thought I would never have and I am scared to death of losing you and that you won't love me anymore if you know all of the things I've done. I'm scared of a world without you."

"You know I feel the same way about you Lee. It's patience and trust that I am running out of, not love. But...is love enough? Even for us? You keep lying to me and do understand why, but it doesn't make it right. Like you said, your past didn't have anything to do with me and I agree, but when it affects me, it does. It's affecting us Lee. I've looked past your secrets and forgiven you twice now and yet, here we are again. Lord knows I'm not strong enough to stay away from you. I've tried... but I'll have to find the strength Lee, because I won't do this anymore. I don't want to leave you, especially now with all of this and also with tomorrow being the one month anniversary of your father's passing and your birthday being four days away, but it's the third time now of being side swiped by your secrets and it's certainly no fucking charm. We have to trust each other. You have to trust ME and tell me what happened between you and Luke since it involves Peter...and it involves who you were and I want...I deserve to know all of you. Remember that time we danced in your other house and you looked right into my eyes and sang that song, All of Me, to me? You said you give me all of you. I thought you meant it. It's all or nothing Lee. Release this weight and let me help you carry it."

Lee kissed your hand and softly sighed as he gently rested his forehead on yours and gave you a tender eskimo kiss, then brought his sapphire eyes to yours.

"Of course I meant it. Let me show you. Let me make love to you. I need you Jo."

His warm, sweet breath over your mouth was driving you mad with desire and all you wanted to do was press your lips to his and tear his clothes off. Being this close to him was dangerous. You would always become puddy for him to shape and mold you just the way he wanted. You were a puppet on his strings. You were simply spellbound. Lee had healed all the hardships you endured before him, bringing you a peace you had never known and just a simple kiss to his bewitching lips, that alone had the power to render every part of you helpless, sucking your mind, body and soul right into his....but you couldn't give in to him. Not this time. As his lips lowered to yours, you regained control by softly but very reluctantly pushing him back before it was too late.

"Lee, please. No. Sex is not going to make this better or make this go away. Stop deflecting and tell me what happened."

Lee released an obvious sigh of frustration as he closed his eyes and lightly pursed his lips.

"I want to tell you baby. I do. I...I've just never spoken about it to anyone. As I said, I was just trying to bury it and move on. I certainly did not expect this to ever come up, especially now. Feeling cornered is an understatement. There's so much happening. SO much to deal with already. Can't we just do this another time Jo? I will tell you, I prom..."

You pulled your hand from his and stood right up in a huff.

"Don't you promise me anything! I don't believe your promises anymore Lee, because you break them, every single time. You swore to me you had told me everything, but then more dirty laundry always appears and to me, that is a lie...and now, you're making excuses and trying to fuck me to get out of telling me the truth. Putting it off is just making this worse. There's never a right time Lee. You just need to do it. You need to trust me. I'm not going to leave because of your past, but I WILL leave if you can't be honest. I am sorry you feel backed against a wall but it's now or never Lee. I love you more than anything in this world but I am so over this!!"

Lee stood up too and in his anger, he said something he shouldn't have.

"So, it's your way or the highway. Is that it?? Then just go if you want Jo. You would clearly be better off anyways. I said I would tell you and I meant it, but in my own time. I don't like being forced. I'm not ready. Take it or leave it."

"Wow. Well...ok then. Guess I'll leave it. Maybe I WILL be better off because CLEARLY you refuse to change or even try to. You know what? I'm done. I need to go see my mother, see if I still have an apartment and try to find Dave. I'll get my things later."

Lee watched in shock as you whirled out of the room and then he raced down the stairs behind you, pleading for you not to go, for he never thought you would choose that option.

"Jo wait!"

"Wait for what Lee?" you snapped as you tugged your leggings up and slipped your boots on. "You just told me to go."

"I didn't mean it like that. I said take it or leave it. I gave you a choice."

"And I chose! Just like you did."

You grabbed your purse, took out your keys and headed for the door, but not without Lee stepping in front of you.

"Yeah...and quite easily too. So that's just it?? Fuck forever? Jo don't do this. Please. Everything that you want to know, it's not just some quick and simple story to tell. It's dark, it's traumatizing and it's terrifying.

"THIS is dark, traumatizing and terrifying. I'm tired Lee. I'm so fucking tired. Even if you tell me now or tell me later, it will just be half of it, just like it always is, although you will swear to me that you told me everything and then I'll find out the rest later, not by you but by accident and I'm just over it. I don't want to do this anymore. I want a normal relationship and this is far from normal and it's a perfect example of why people put walls up. To protect ourselves and I stupidly let mine down for you. Not anymore. I'm rebuilding it. Now get out of my way Lee."

"Jo. Don't go. Please. Don't leave me. Let me fix this."

"You can't. I don't believe a word you say anymore. I don't believe I would even know what I know if it weren't for overhearing you because I don't believe you were ever going to tell me."

"Ok, that is not true. You don't even understand. I was going to tell you. I had to... or I would have never been able to ask...."

Lee paused with a hard sigh and desperate eyes that quickly wandered from yours.

"Ask? Ask what Lee??"

His hands went to his hips, his head lowered and his eyes closed.

"I...I can't...not yet. Not like this."

"Oh my god....I can't even right now. Goodbye Sam."

As you stormed past him and slammed the door shut behind you, Lee stood dazed and motionless, softly answering your question.

"Ask you to marry me."

You jogged down to the garage where your Monte Carlo was being concealed from the bar thugs and off you went, without a care if they found you. If they did, you would just tell them your car had been stolen and you just got it back. If they didn't believe you and tried something, then you'd give them an attitude adjustment on top of their heads with your Kubotan, Hank Williams Jr. style, just like you did to Luke which dropped the hunky herculean like a sack of potatoes.

For the entire twenty minute drive to your mom's in silence, your arms were locked straight on the wheel as you focused on your breathing so you wouldn't have a panic attack. Everything had escalated so quickly in only a few hours. One minute, you and Lee were dancing in the kitchen and sharing breakfast together, basking in the afterglow following a beautiful night of making love and the next, you couldn't get away from him fast enough. Did you overreact? Should you have stayed and let him speak? You tried this once before, leaving him, which that lasted a whole hot minute and it changed absolutely nothing, so how could you, would you, do it this time when all you wanted to do was turn around and run back into his arms?

The visit with your mom was nerve-racking in itself between trying to hide your emotions over Lee and her trying to hide hers over the horrific ordeal of finding a butchered and still breathing Elizabeth the evening prior and then there was your sister. Your mom informed you that Megan hadn't come home last night and wasn't answering her phone. Of course you couldn't have cared less and wished she'd never come back, but you still tried to make your mom feel better and reminded her that this was not out of the ordinary for Megan to do. It made you think of what Luke told you, that she had actually came to the police station of her own free will and told him that she believed Ethan took Blaise because he thinks he is her father. You had to wonder what would make her turn on him like that. Did she finally see what a dangerous piece of shit he was? Speaking of Blaise, it was now time to go see Craig and you dreaded that almost as much as you dreaded large bodies of water.

As you drove to your apartment, all you could think about was that poor little girl and prayed she was alright wherever she was. For her sake, for Craig's and even for yours, because you knew what Craig's reaction would be when he found out, if he didn't already know, that you knew Liz dropped Blaise off with Angel and you didn't tell him. You also knew he would believe you did it intentionally, which was in no way true whatsoever, to get back at him for not telling you Jason was alive. The guilt was unbearable. How could you have been so self absorbed?

You parked the car and tried calling Dave again before you went into the lion's den and once again, no answer, so you left another voicemail.

"Dave, seriously. Are you THAT mad at me?? If you are, then fine, I can deal with that but at least just text me and tell me you are alright, or text Britt if you don't want to talk to me ok? I'm so worried about you. There's things you need to know about Liz if you don't already and...I really need my friend right now. Ok...bye..."

As you got out of the car, you could hear the muffled sound of music coming from the complex and the only one who blared it like that was Craig when he was working in his art studio. Granted, it was a small complex with only four other tenants but If you could hear it, then so could they and you had to wonder how they could deal with it, BUT, at least his taste in music was right up your alley and when you entered the building, the artist's distinct voice could not be mistaken. You always loved a good David Bowie tune....and this one seemed rather fitting for what you walked in on. How relevant it was for you as well.

Upon nearing his wide open studio door, the strong odor of paint and sweet cigars stung your nose. You weren't sure what was worse as you walked in. The smell or the vision of him lying on a wheeled platform, desperately engrossed in smearing yellow paint over a giant canvas with his bare hands, silver rings on and all.

The closer you got as you walked up behind him undetected, it was clear that he was not only drunk as you glanced down at his glass of blood red wine and two empty wine bottles on the floor, but he was in a very deep state of despair. He appeared as if he had just rolled out of bed, although he didn't look as if he had even slept at all as your astonished eyes rolled over him from head to toe. His dark hair was wildly awry as was his normally groomed facial hair and his feet were as bare as his revealing bare bottomed butt crack which you highly doubted he gave two fucks about considering anyone could walk in just as you did.

You now had the problem of getting his attention without startling him, for you knew why he was in the condition he was in because the last time you had just walked in unannounced, you were accidentally almost struck with a can of blue paint due to his fit of rage, and right now, he looked like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. With all that taken into consideration, you decided to just pull the plug on the music and hope he didn't pull a gun on you this time as you tensed up from the thought.

Craig quickly sat up at the sound of silence, gave you a curious glance over and then the only thing he reached for was his paint covered glass that he picked up by the rim and drank from after asking you "what's up?"

"Hey." you softly answered. "Sorry to just barge in but...I...I have been trying to reach you. Are...are you alright?"

"Well now. Is that somewhat of a rhetorical question? Do I look alright? Unless you're here to tell me that you know where my daughter is, then that would be a big fat no. Fancy seeing you here just Josie. I thought you hated my guts?"

Judging by his well noted inebriated sarcasm, you could tell it was going to be a walk on egg shells type of conversation and you still weren't exactly sure if he knew that you knew Blaise had been right within his grasp before she vanished into thin air. You figured he would have instantly called you out if he knew, but Craig didn't seem to be the type that got straight to the point about things. You had the distinct feeling he was the type that liked to toy with people like a cat does with it's prey. An intimidation tactic per se and it was surely working, so you decided to just come clean and face his claws.

"No. I..I don't know where she is and I...I don't hate you. Not even a little bit but you may not like me so much. Craig I...about Blaise...I need to tell you something that I should have much sooner. I just...I didn't know...how to."

There was a brief silence as he peered up at you and you could see the curiosity growing in his dilated blues.

"Not even a little bit huh? Hmmph. Must be pretty bad, whatever you did, if you're worried about me not liking you after what I did to you. Alright then love, I'll bite. Is my curiosity going to kill the cat? You seem pretty skittish right now."

The fact that he basically just read your mind regarding the cat references made you gulp and then it just got worse when you couldn't find the words.

"Cat....got your tongue just Josie?"

"Ok, please just stop with the cat thing already."

"Mrrrow!! Feisty one are we?" he shot off as he grinned and raised his hand, making a swiping gesture with his fingers.

"Craig! Stop it and listen before I lose my nerve."

"Jeesh. I think you need this wine as bad as I do. Have a drink. It'll calm your nerves. There's another bottle in the fridge. Would you be a doll and fetch it for us?"

"It's....10 a.m. Craig."

"Yeah and your point is? There's no time restrictions for drinking in your own home and even if there were, I don't follow the rules. I make them. It's 5 o'clock all the time in my world."

"Fine. Whatever."

You went and got the wine and a clean glass for yourself and him too because you couldn't stand watching him put his lips on wet paint.

"Here. Wipe your hands off." you commanded as you handed him a towel and opened the wine.

"Yes mommy." he chuckled and did as you told him. "Now. Have a seat and let's hear it."

"I..I'd rather stand."

"Suit yourself then. Cheers."

Craig raised his glass and knocked it all back in three gulps, then gazed up at you with a happy grin as you took a nervous sip.

"What the hell was that? Only a mouse could get drunk on that. Come on now, down the hatch."

You felt like a mouse alright, caught in a mouse trap as your anxiety began to slowly choke you. Enough was enough. You downed the wine and blurted out what you did.

"Craig..I..I knew Blaise was at Angel's before she was taken and I should have told you but I didn't because I was dealing with Jason and some other things."

His reaction was just as you had expected it would be. Shock, which was written all over his exhausted face.

"Is that so?"

"Y..yes." you softly squeaked and then began rambling. "And I..I am SO SO sorry. I was at Lee's and I saw Liz drop her off and I..I did try to call you. I texted too but you didn't answer or reply and then some other things happened and I...I had to go meet Jason and then I..."

"And then you just forgot about my daughter?? Does that sound about right? Because she didn't go missing until 48 fucking hours later. Did you forget where I live too?? but suddenly, you remembered today??"

In his aggravation, Craig purposely picked up the paint covered glass and filled it to the rim with more wine, then took a hefty gulp.

"Craig, so much happened. Obviously, Liz was attacked and then later she died and.."

He cut you off again as his agitation increased.

"And yet I still did not hear from you until now and now that I have, all I hear are bullshit excuses."

"I mean, that's two fucking days Jo. You were certainly able to go meet Jason but not come here. Last time I checked, your brother is a big boy who can handle his own problems, which is exactly what he's selfishly doing after all I did for him, but a 4 year old child is helpless Jo! I'm sure you slept too right? All snuggy in your bed, playing doctor with the doctor, all the while that piece of shit Ethan was plotting to kidnap Blaise. I even tried to protect you from him, right after you slapped me stupid and told me you never wanted to see my face again. Eh, that don't even matter. What matters is Blaise and it could have been prevented if I HAD KNOWN that she was merely 50 fucking feet away from you and so here I am now, daughterless and drunk. You know what I've been doing in my spare time since I have exhausted all my resources in locating her? It's like she has fallen off the face of the earth."

Craig put on some old cheap flip flops and stood up, then pointed down at his painting.

"You see that? I did what you said to try. I used Blaise as some inspiration to try and cure this painter's block I've been dealing with for so long. Did you know she likes bees? So I attempted to paint her a giant fucking bumble bee for when I get her back, or should I say IF I get her back, no thanks to you and certainly none to that dunderheaded detective who shares Ethan's rancid blood. Audacious British fuck writing me into his little black book as a person of interest in Lizzie's death. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a monster, even if I was raised by one."

"Craig, speaking of Cyrus, he happens to be one of the other problems we have been dealing with. Things that have nothing to even do with this. So much more has happened too and I don't expect you to understand that but I swear to you, I never meant for anything to happen to Blaise. Please...please believe me."

"I'll tell you what I believe. I believe you did this intentionally. What a great way to stick it to me for not telling you your brother was alive huh? Checkmate. You got me good Jo. Gold stars for you. Hit me right where it hurts the most. You're right. I don't like you so much anymore Miss March. I'll have your last months deposit ready for you in a few days and then I expect you out by the end of the month. Now get out of my sight. Good day."

"Craig come on. I would never put your child's life in danger just to get back at you or for any reason!"

As the acrimonious kiwi walked away, completely ignoring you, there was spillage of the yellow paint in his already cluttered pathway and the combination of flimsy flips flops worn by someone sober or tipsy, slick concrete and liquids do not mix.

Down he went as one foot slipped right out from under him and there he laid, stunned and flat out on his back with wine all over his face.

"Craig oh my god!" you gasped as you quickly but carefully made your way to him. "Are you alright??!!"

"There's that question again so I'll answer with the same answer. Do I look alright???" he snapped and attempted to get up, only to slip again and land on his butt.

"Here. Let me help you."

You reached down to him but he smacked your hand away.

"I might be a teeny bit sauced right now, but I'm not an invalid and if I were, I certainly wouldn't want or need any help from the likes of you Jo March."

"Fine." you huffed and then smirked at him. "Good luck then since you're now sitting in a giant smeared puddle of paint. I suppose if you crawl like the petulant child you're being, ass crack and all, you could make it out of your precarious predicament unscathed."

He glared up at you as he thought for a moment about demeaning himself even more than he already had by doing as you said.

"Fine." he also huffed and jerked his sticky hand out to you.

You took his hand and began to pull. As he pushed himself up with his other hand, his foot slipped out again and this time, he pulled you right down on top of his chiseled chest.

"Well now. Now who's in a precarious predicament Einstein? Now we're both covered in paint and not to mention fucked, just not in the way I would like." he boasted with a cheesy smirk as you both were nose to nose and damn near mouth to mouth. So close that his facial hair tickled your upper lip and his hot sweet wine breath made you drunk in a way that it shouldn't have as you and he stared into each other's eyes.

You quickly broke the trance he had you in and pushed your way up off of him.

"Come on Craig. Get up so I can leave. Now is clearly not the time to talk to you."

You reached down again, but made sure you were in a good stance to pull him up this time. Once he was securely on his feet, you handed him another towel to wipe the wine from his face and when he was finished, things became a bit awkward and silent for a moment as he fidgeted and fought having eye contact with you.

"I uh...I think I broke your glasses." you mumbled as you glanced at the black framed spectacles hanging from the frayed neckline of his knit shirt.

His head snapped down to look at them and then his defenses were right back up.

"Oh...well, no biggie. What's one more thing you've broken? I've got more, although... I don't have another daughter. I'm going to bed. See yourself out."

This time, Craig safely made his way back to his apartment entrance without a single glance back at you and then you quietly left. When you returned to your own apartment down the hall, you immediately took a long hot shower to decompress and cried your eyes out the entire time. Once you were finished, you sat down with a chilled bottled of wine you had in the fridge to try and calm your nerves. The conversation with Craig had went just as you imagined it in your head many times and he had every right to be angry with you. You should have went straight to him and met Jason later. Blaise would be safe and sound with Craig right now and you were the reason she was not, and for that, you were going to make it your mission to find her yourself and bring her home. You didn't have a cue as to how, but you were to try and make things right.

But of course, while trying to think about where to start, your mind betrayed you as all your thoughts went right back to Lee, but you knew they would once you were no longer distracted. How in the hell were you going to stay away from him this time if you couldn't even sit still without thinking of him??

The one glass of wine that early in the morning had caught up with you and made you somewhat sleepy and it wasn't long before you dozed off on the couch without even realizing it. Meanwhile, in a small town called Grandview, 15 miles from Salem, Dr. Dave had just returned home from a much needed getaway.

As he sat at his kitchen table, drinking a beer, reading your texts and listening to your voicemails, he contemplated calling you until he heard a noise in the living room. Dave lived alone and had no pets, so it was either his older but newly remodeled house still settling or....it was what is usually was. A ghost. And he had the gift to see and speak to them, although he would not call it a gift, but a curse and the only ones who knew were you and his sister Britt.

When he got to the living room doorway, there sat a little boy, about 5 years old with sandy blonde hair and big blue eyes, whom he had never seen before and he just looked at Dave until he spoke to him.

"Hey there. What's your name?"

"Jacob."

"Hello Jacob. I'm Dave."

"I know."

"Alright. Can you tell me why you're here?"

"She needs help."

"Who...needs help?"

"The girl at the train yard. I saw her. The bad man hurt her."

"The train yard??"

"Where mommy was hurt. Over there."

Jacob pointed out the window and Dave then realized he was referring to Train Town. It used to be a public attraction, about a mile away by a state park, but it was shut down many years ago and was now basically a train car graveyard.

"Who's your mommy Jacob?"

"Elizabeth. She died and rode the train."

Dave had to collect himself, for he now knew he was talking to Liz and your Lee's son.

"Ok. I heard about that. I am very sorry Jacob, but...who is the girl you said is hurt? Is she there now?"

"My new and favorite mommy's sister."

"You mean Josie? Her...sister?"

"Mmmhmm."

Dave sprung to his feet and called you, but got no answer so he called your mother Margaret and she confirmed that Megan had not been home since yesterday and that she could not reach her.

"Jacob, can you show me where she is at? It is a really big place."

"Yep. Last one there's a rotten egg!"

Jacob hopped out of his chair and ran out the front door and vanished like the typical fugacious ghost as Dave stood in a transient spell of shock. As his mind resumed focus, he then grabbed his medical bag, raced to his truck and sped off without a thought of the danger that could be waiting for him.

@redeemer46

[le-agent-egg]

Ok now that school for me is over I finally feel comfortable for talking about how this year went for me, because holy fuck it was horrible.

Now I in absolutely no way wish to overstep boundaries for anyone who sees this, so here we go: trigger warning for s**cide, s**cidal thoughts and tendencies, s*xual assault, mentions of r*pe, smaller mentions of homophobia/racism/transphobia, potential fetishization of trans people, and just general power abuse from schools. Please, for the love of god, if you do not feel comfortable with any of these topics, do not read this post.

I would like to preface by saying that I come from a very European bloodline, like everyone leading up to me is European, however I myself am Canadian, and I have a lot of North American influence in me. With that being said, one thing that is pretty common from what I know is for people, especially in the country my mom is from, to be people pleasers. I am a very heavy people pleaser, I don’t like talking about my feelings, all that fun stuff.

In the city I live in, there was a school that I wanted to go to for two reasons: most of my friends were there, and there was a specific program I wanted to be in, though it was mainly the former and not the latter. The only problem is that due to the amount of people going there, it is a closed school, meaning people from out of zone are unable to attend UNLESS you are in the program. You can see where this is going.

Even though I was ok with going to my designated school for a while, around of March 2023 I decided I did want to go to the school with my friends. I submitted my first application form, and around June, I got an email saying I would in fact be a candidate for the program.

Tenth grade starts, I start going to the school, and everything is fine for the first little while. Some details will be kept private, but some work related things happened to my family around early October. Now for the really fun part:

The thing about this program, and honestly school in general, is that it’s very focused on academics, and almost wearing people down. We were doing a novel study on the book The Chrysalids, a book that I personally relate to very much, when shit really went down.

To start things off, we had a pop quiz on the book, that I ended up only getting 40% on. I was completely freaking out, only thinking of how angry everyone was going to be. Then while we were reading the book, a lot of the religious references started getting to me, the ones regarding the “true image of man” if you’ve read the book. (For context, I am a trans man, and that stuff kinda made me feel. Not very good.)

So I end up going to a school counselor, talking about that, which eventually leads to me finally spiraling into talking about my own suicidal thoughts. For a bit more context I’ve been struggling with mental health since around the sixth grade after needing to go to the hospital for something with my eye, as well as my grandfather passing away. I started talking about just how bad I was feeling, and since it’s part of the safety rules, the counselor did have to call my parents. Let me tell you there is nothing more awkward than your parents finding out about the fact that you’re dealing with suicidal thoughts, especially over phone.

So. Long story short, we ended up going to my city’s children’s hospital for a risk assessment. We talked about some stuff, got some resources, all that fun stuff. Really awkward to explain to people why I wasn’t in class.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, I’m called down to the office again. Since this was around the time the people at my school were doing assessments for people for if they would get into the program or not, I got the news that based on the past week where I finally snapped, that they didn’t deem me fit for the stress of the program, despite the fact that for the previous month and a half, I had been doing fine. Additionally they said that I could stay with only one class instead of the required two, however this was the one I didn’t want as much. They kinda gave me a pity acceptance because they thought I would be too much to deal with haha. My dad kinda went off on them.

When I got home that day, I decided that after having my own mental health issues used against me, I wanted nothing to do with the school. Also, again, if you’ve read The Chrysalids, you’ll probably understand why I relate to much to the main character David (being in a society where you’re different from others, but in turn seen as a hassle)

Officially speaking, I denied the pity acceptance around December, meaning that in grade 11, I would be going back to my designated school. We were also getting help from a few counselors, so that really helped. I also ended up doing my oral final for English on being a part of a society that treats you bad because your different with David from The Chrysalids and Juliet from you can probably guess where. I cried during it lmao (because I said that I would end up like David in the sense of finally being somewhere that accepts me, rather than Juliet with… you can see the implication.)

You’re probably thinking “oh yay we’re at the happy ending!!” Nope nooooo haha we just finished semester one. Now moving onto semester two:

We need to go back in time to set the stage a little: Remember how I mentioned that one of the main reasons I originally wanted to apply was because most of my friends were going to that school? One of them, who I’ll call D, was included in that. D and I had met in eighth grade, since we were in the same French class and debate team. He introduced me to a larger group of friends, where I actually met a lot of cool people. He was someone who I considered my closest friend, and honestly, the main reason I wanted to go to the school.

Around the start of ninth grade is when my egg cracked so to speak, and I realized I was a trans guy. He ended up helping me choose the name Zach, which is what I’ve gone by for the past year or two. After everything else I say you’ll understand why I’m thinking of changing it, mostly because I feel like I didn’t really choose it. Anyway.

Ninth grade is when I probably should have realized that stuff was getting a biiiit weird. Obviously ninth graders are not known for being very mature. So one thing D would always do is hug me before I got to my next class. Seems innocent enough right? Well I’ve always been averse to physical touch - ask my parents, they can confirm that even when I was a toddler I hated being hugged. But I really liked D, platonically I should say, so I let him hug me, because I liked seeing him happy.

This evolved into him kissing me goodbye. For most of ninth grade he wore a mask, but around halfway he stopped, and often times our lips would make contact. People would always joke “haha you’re dating get a room” but I hated getting kissed, like genuinely hated it. Probably because, again, I am very averse to touch, and was never ready for a romantic relationship. I would just kinda dissociate whenever he would do that.

These jokes didn’t stop once we were in tenth grade, and neither did he. The kissing stopped, sure, but it evolved into constantly touching me and wrapping his arms around me. Again, I am very averse to physical touch, but even with feeling wildly uncomfortable I let him do it because I’m a people pleaser. I think what sucks for me is that so many people probably noticed how uncomfortable I was with all of this, and yet said nothing, like “hey are you ok with being touched”, or something. I understand I should advocate for myself, but I genuinely felt so trapped.

Whenever I would try to hide in the school, he would always somehow find me, and start the cycle over again. Sometimes he would hug me to tight that it physically hurt. But the worst thing is that, on multiple occasions, he would “accidentally” touch my ass, inner thigh, or upper chest. This is, as my friends describe both it and the kissing, borderline sexual assault, and under no circumstances will i EVER let myself be treated like that again. I felt like two years of a mutual trust build between us had been tossed in the trash, because even with a crush on me, he couldn’t keep his hands off me.

Not to go all conspiracy theorist mode, but I honestly feel like it might have something to do with the fact that I’m trans- none of this happened before I came out to our larger group, but after I did, all of this happened. Let me tell you that larger group has a lot of not very good people in it, like I’m talking thinking that racism/homophobia/transphobia/rape is the funniest thing ever. WHICH IT IS NOT. IT’S NOT VERY GOOD TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT RAPE WHEN SOMEONE IN THE GROUP IS BORDERLINE SAING SOMEONE ELSE.

So. Not very epic. But wait, there’s more!!

Another person who went to the school was someone who I knew in ninth grade as well- lets call her A. A is known to have a very big princess complex- she’s never been told no in her life, she always thinks she’s the center of attention, and she loves making herself seem like a victim. Literally, in a team-based activity we had, when we said we work bad as a team, she took it as a personal insult.

Another thing A is really bad with is that she does not know how to keep her hands to herself. She would constantly poke at my waist, even when I told her to not touch me. When we were learning some basic CPR stuff, and I said “don’t touch me”, she was like “Oh ok I guess if you’re choking I’ll leave you to die since you don’t wanna be touched” ?????

She was one of the worst with the “get a room” jokes, even when I told her to stop. We had a martial arts unit, and at one point she was hitting me so hard and frequently that I was unable to recover. Where did having respect for your opponent go? We’re sparring, not trying to kill each other lmao (also she actually did end up hitting my wrist pretty weird, and it was so painful I ended up sitting out for the rest of class. yippee.) To top it off, on the last day of school when I was telling a close friend about why I wouldn’t be in the school next year, A decided to barge in saying that it was my fault for getting kicked out of the program because of my mental health issues. Not a very nice thing to say to someone.

ANYWAY. TL:DR, I ended up getting my mental health used against me to get denied from a program, was borderline assaulted by someone who I thought was a close friend, and had a generally bad experience with another student who ended up telling me that it was my fault for getting kicked out of the program, all in the span of less than ten months.

Thankfully I am doing better now that I’m leaving that school and the bad people in it for good, and I also have some really great friends as well. Honestly I’m just glad I survived this year, because as bad as it sounds, without everything happening, I don’t know if I would have made it to 16.

If you’re still reading this, have some sweets because fuck that was heavy. Thanks <3 🍫🍰🧁🍩🍪🍦

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

6 month solstice/full moon check-in livejournalstyle

So i've been advised to recap the past 6 months. Especially since this current Capricorn full moon is exacting at 1 degree Capricorn which happens to be the same degree as My Ascendant. (Pinkmoondoll number 1 :@!!!!!)

The Cancer full moon happened at around 5 degrees on december 26th 2023. That is my ex's birthday. On winter solstice 2023, exactly 6 months ago, i cut her out of my life. We were already broken up for a long time before that but i continued to let her stay in my life for a few reason, namely guilt & fear. Guilt because of the emotional turmoil she projected onto me & fear because, well, we are married and i didn't know what would happen to my immigration status if i cut her off. I still don't! This has not changed yet.

Pretty much everything else about me & my life has changed though. internally at least. Having her out of my life has allowed me so much freedom to get back to who i am & live with integrity. The only people left in my life now are ones who are respectful, kind, have their own shit going on, appreciate that i am my own person too, allow me to breathe, don't expect anything specific from me, don't toy with my mind & emotions. They are just glad to let me be who i am. No one tries to control me anymore. i feel so wonderful because no one can control me.

So the past 6 months has been a series of stages of getting back to Me. unraveling all the lies i was fed for years, healing from the pain of being manipulated, feeling that so much of my energy was wasted. Truly truly wasted. i'm not one of those people who can live without regrets lol. i wish i broke free so much sooner, the stress destroyed my health for years. But ultimately, this is how it went down, so i strive towards acceptance.

For the first few months of this year i was really on a huge substance abuse kick! im not gonna specify what, but iykyk. Like i really just could not bear the weight of what i was feeling. Every day i was finding out more and more info about lies i'd been told, stuff happening behind my back. All i could rly do was take pills & tunnel vision into ableton or drawing or whatever. it helped repress my emotions & i got a lot done during this time but it was unhealthy & the more it progressed i saw how unsustainable it was.

around spring equinox shit HIT THE FAN e_e So this would be the quarter year mark. Well it was march 15 when denji ate the ziploc bag and had to get emergency obstruction removal surgery. That immediately halted all projects i was working on. I was still taking a lot of pills to cope with the stress of that situation & at that point i needed them just to function at a base level. Then i think april 4th or 5th was when i found out Sammy died, which...i mean yeah i've spoken a lot on how horrific that was & still remains to be.

I mean , like, that shit, rearranged my whole brain, that shit reset me. this also marked the time period where like... my psychic senses really began evolving. idt it was necessarily linked to sammy's death, it just weirdly shifted around that time. i think the lunar eclipse in late march caused some type of quantum leap idk man idek. Then the solar eclipse in april sealed the deal. Ever since then the craziest stuff that i cant even rly talk about has been happening to me & i immediately felt compelled to like, quit all drugs and just fucking ascend lol.

Sooo first i started w pill numero uno, the really diabolical one, middle of april i just said fuck it, i am done. at this point i had abused it so hard it wasnt even doing shit for me anymore, even when i took tolerance breaks, it was genuinely pointless to continue. i did wonder how the fuck i was ever gonna function without it and i was scared. The final few weeks of april were just a total write off, didnt do shit, totally depressed & grieving & miserable but weirdly hopeful too. Like i knew i just had to suffer and get it over with.

pill 2 was actually pretty easy to cut back on because ive quit it a bunch of times before & know what to expect, and since i was already suffering so bad from pill 1 after about a week i thought yeah i might as well stop the other one too lol. there was no noticable increase in suffering from stopping it. So by the 2nd week of May it had been around 3 weeks of feeling like pure ass but i was starting to feel WAYYYY better and my normal goofy self again.

That is the worst thing about adhd meds for me lol they robbed me of my whimsy and goofiness T_T Like i was so serious all the time T_T it was even kinda affecting my relationship w slimbo. Like i couldnt be affectionate i was just a robot. All i cared about was working and i was so impatient. As i came off the meds i started to remember how nice it is to just be slow, be in the moment, enjoy simple things with my love, not constantly bound to this gnawing neurosis pushing me to squeeze maximum productivity out of every single second.

like i said , i'm 1 degree cap rising sooo this neurosis is something that exists firmly within my personality, for sure. i mean, if u cant tell, I Be Doing Things lol. And i get very competitive with myself. the dark side of me is that i want to be the best at everything. A big part of my adult life has been learning how to relax. learning how to have fun, learning how to be a little pointless. Without the meds this is a struggle for me so with the meds it was genuinely impossible not to be completely controlled by the rabid impulse to work.

So getting off the meds was a big exercise in confronting my fear of Not being the best. my fear of chilling, my fear of being still & unoccupied. But i did it! And i feel so much better. Like holy shit, i feel SO much better.

By the mid-May i was picking up steam in just being able to live again. a lot of the brainfog & physical heaviness lifted. I was still not very productive at art or music, but i was getting really good at not letting that bug me. spending a lot of time working in the garden, got back into yoga, reading, just doing leisurely stuff that felt expansive to my inner world rather than trying to externalize anything. psychic experiences continued to amplify. became interested in tarot again as i no longer felt i was living in fear of my higher self.

after getting off the pills i began feeling really fixated on the notion of quitting weed. Previously this had been genuinely unthinkable to me. Like, me and weed, we were One, every person i'd ever been as an adult had smoked weed, it was weirdly part of my identity, for 15 years i genuinely believed i could not exist without weed, like i would just lose my fucking mind if i stopped. i did not believe in myself.

But as the psychic experiences progressed i felt strongly that i want to go deeper. Previously i had been afraid to go deeper. In that regard i think i was truly afraid of my own potential. I wasn't ready for it, and that's actually fine. A lot of people aren't.. But as May was coming to a close i knew that i was ready, and actually, it was crucial of me to put an end to this. I was enjoying finally having some sense of peace & joy after how crummy it felt quitting the pills , i didn't really want to disturb that state of being, but i also was having that feeling again that i just need to "get it over with".

So when it struck June 1st i was like yeah fuck it. Let this mark a new beginning. as soon as i realize something is no longer in my best interest its almost impossible for me to keep going with it! like i can't live with myself. I guess that's where my fixation on being "the best" can serve me sometimes. if that makes sense.. Like i willllll always end up putting my foot down and saying NO :T

So yeah. it's recent enough that i don't really feel the need to detail how the first 2 weeks of june were sooooo sucky and emotional and generally dysfunctional. couldn't even read or draw or do any minor tasks i was sooo out of my mind. Not much needs to be said about it. i just had to simply allow time to pass. a lot of days spent in bed crying & dissolving.

right around the 2 week mark we went to missouri & this is when i started noticing myself feeling way way better. the whole time i didn;t even think about weed or my symptoms at all. i was so present in each moment and it was so easy to just feel....alive. also had some intense psychic experiences, one of which i haven;t even talked about on here, and i probably wont because its too sacred. The overarching theme between all the experiences i've been having since late march is that they feel too sacred to tell anyone. The high priestess emphasizes secrecy in some matters..

Which brings us to now, june 21, 21 days w/o weed, 3 weeks. I know that sounds like nothing but this has been 15 YEARS coming. that's half my lifespan so far. and now i just feel fine. i got thru the blues of quitting, all the repressed emotions, im sure they'll still pop up from time to time too. but ultimately i am just so fucking relieved to be free of that shit and like, functioning, able to sleep, not riddled with anxiety and self hatred like i was when i started as a grieving baby teenager.

i guess i wanted to write this to remind myself what a monumental shift i have made in my life in the first half of 2024, and how insanely far i've come in the grand scheme of my life, in a relatively short timespan. because i keep getting this feeling of self doubt where i'm like wait... it's almost july and i've barely completed any tasks, i still havent finished my music, wtf am i doing :( But i dont think i was supposed to finish it until i shed all these habits that were causing major roadblocks in my path!

shed my ex, shed pills, shed weed. shed grief! shed self doubt. emptied my vessel & it has allowed room for so much new life to come through. new forces being channeled. my mediumship abilities now are in focus and taking off at an accelerated rate. for the first time in my life i'm not in survival mode. i feel this is my reward for living through it all when i wanted nothing more than to give up for so many years. i prayed for death, every day, i really did. now i am dead! the old me died. and i carry her memory with honor, i carry on the parts of her that wished to remain and be loved, but she is effectively dead.

for the first time in my life i am really proud of myself. i don't feel so competitive with myself anymore. i don't need to prove myself externally. i do not require any validation of my existence. i can sit with myself without feeling extreme self induced dread & despair. i feel worthy even though i am still (from the outside looking in) at the exact same place i was at 6 months ago.

i'm finally feeling ready to work a little harder again, but not because i'm desperate to gain anything from it. just because it's fun, and fundamentally, as stated above, that drive is a part of my personality, a part of me that i love & cherish. number 1 is the magician. the mage patchouli ~~~ the alchemist. create for the sake of creating.

if anyone read this far, thats wild xD but thats dope too.. I guess one thing i'd like for the future is just to inspire people that you can alchemize the tragedies of your life and all the suffering into something much greater than yourself. You can get through it and be happy with your meager little life one day, even if it takes 30 or 40 years, it's worth it to try & worth it to get here. You do not have to wallow in sadness and self doubt forever, even if u see no way out rn.

i'm happy just being me ^_^ i have so much fun when i'm in my mind. bladee voice ~~be in your mind, be in your mind, be in your mind~~. i love how simple everything feels right now. i love how people & entities can come to me because they trust me to receive their messages & understand them. My own projections do not get in the way anymore. I shed so much. I am free. Happy Strawberry Moon everyone.

SIncerely, PMD9