#I am still a bit upset yes
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Is this about Nemesis
cause it sounds like what happened to me when I was doing Nemesis. They made the one most famous big obstacle of that ambition easier... the week I was done with it.
just watch, the day i finally complete this counting the days grind, FBG is gonna announce further edits to the early game that make it easier </3
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blessed be (lorscher bienensegen) | telling the bees (wiþ ymbe)
Telling the bees [1] [2 - Colleen English] [3 - C. W. Hagge] // "Letter to Someone Living Fifty Years from Now" [remixed, abridged], Matthew Olzmann // "About Suffering" [remixed, abridged], Elisa Gabbert // "Bees, Honeycombs, Honey", Hayan Charara // [Albert Camus] in "A Time of Bees", Mona Van Duyn | Len Redkoles, Steve Caplan, Bruce Bennett, Andre Ringuette, Emilee Chen
#remember when i was like 'if i was insane-' yeah i literally started this the next day. was already downloading photos. finished it in 2??#days & it has been here so patiently waiting for me to add on the tags :)))) wanted to drop it with nothing like haha lol how is everybody#however. chronic yapper. ALSO IT'S A SCREENSHOT SO I COULDN'T DO IT BUT OOOO THE URGE TO MAKE THE CITATIONS LINKSSS ONE OF JOEL AND#CLAUDE KEEPER & ONE OF JOEL SCORING FOR HONEY & ONE OF HIM IN THE FLAMES FOR DEATH BEES ARE PRODUCTION ANIMALS YOU KNOW.#len redkoles first photo credit as always. len we love you. always coming through with the narrative & fun shots!!#i swear it's on a tk post from oyb teex that was just like 'len redkoles one of us' and the answer is yes of course. ALSO before i begin#please direct all complaints to alexandra whose fault this parially is <3 bc i tweeted about the trade &she was like 'danny b learned from#the richie/carts fiasco' and i went ”well danny knows from his own trade too OH MY GOD-' and also as always the tweet that was like#they should call philly a boneyard w/the way ships go there to get wrecked. good thing they got the naval museum in philly or w/e it was#ANYWAYYYY philly city of brotherly separation actually... brief aside i do have a beautiful little joellabee real bee au w/telling the bees#which is part of where that comes from bc it's joel getting told abt everybody's trades BUT also i had poem bits i scrapped bc they couldn'#fit but they do here in the appendix so. amend it as footnote after 'whales hunted to extinction' insert there in the blessing. lindros#explosive benzene transformative mercury also i liked the shot AND I ACTUALLY GOT KEVIN & YANDLE PIC LAST BUT I LOVE IT i was going to put#cutter on the seagull stomach one but then he fit so well (thank u len) for the bitchy line of like paper plastic & it needed to be a 2-set#bc 'everything's worse' made me laugh so hard w/him. but i am so happy bc i wanted kevin in it & then 'jet fuel' (we got him from the jets)#then i had edited the line it used to be plastic but i couldn't have that twice & the article also had shrapnel so i was like. well it's#that or styrofoam & then i went OH MY GOD YANDLE'S BROKEN IRON MAN STREAK. SHRAPNEL. STOP. also not me going BOB WAS THERE??? (and jagr???#bernie parent traded then coming back & saying he was better for it bc he got to learn from one of the greats... still regarded as one of#the most upsetting trades lmao & LISTEN. TORTUROUS LUXURY DANNY B BACK CLAUDE IMMEDIATELY GONE OK IT'S BRRING IN THERE. ALL THOSE OLD IDEAS#raff let go willingly is purely for me also. he ain't dead he's just in lausanne & i still have not transcribed “das größte ist vorbei” &#ALSO hinting at tzjd narratives dropping it running away. jamie staying the summers in philly & being so fine & happy vs trevor. &OFC WAYNE#i've used that photo before by god i'll use it again. flyer for a day to end it there. ALSO MIKE LIKES JEFF JEFF LOVES MIKE SEND POST &if i#had more photo editing skills &thought u'd still know it was bee i'd've made him a ghost &edited him out. i have SO many alts for suffering#the philadelphia flyers suffering#joel farabee#philadelphia flyers#am i HAPPY with this idk but it needs to get out of my drafts my tummy hurts. and that's why this is 'for a swarm of angry bees' bc this#is the evil version telling the story of what could've been if morgan didn't go with him. blessed be(ō) - bee/be thou a charm for happiness#liv in the replies
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apparently one of my cousins was just accepted into a master's writing program at an Ivy League school
and that's why I almost never go on Facebook 🙃
#look. do I even think I could handle a master's in writing at an Ivy League?#.....I mean. I think so. I managed a master's in geoscience at one of the top geology schools in the nation.#(....''managed'' is doing some VERY heavy lifting there lnjasdknf)#but do I want to do that? no.#do I still feel weird and like I'm wasting my life and everyone else is more accomplished than me? yes.#it does help a bit that the cousin in question has outright told me her success is in large part from her father pushing her v hard#(he did the same thing to her siblings)#and that she kinda fucking hates how she was pushed to succeed so much#like I don't wish that on anyone but it does help me to put into context her success. it comes at a cost. like everything else.#and to be frank it's not a cost I'm willing to pay at this point in my life.#I still feel weird and uhhhhh incompetent I guess would be the best word tho#also like I'm wondering why she's going to an Ivy League when she's already at one of the top writing schools#maybe distance from her family....in which case. godspeed cuz.#ANYWAYS I have a v accomplished family that I at times feel inferior to despite my own accomplishments#and no that has no influence on my OC Angie's own similar feelings why would you think that#(my family would be upset if they knew I felt inferior btw no one makes me feel bad other than my own brain)#(I have a v loving and supportive family and am v blessed to have them~)#whine whine whine
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friendly advice guys if you ever want to laminate your eventim or conbini-printed tickets because you want them to last forever: don't.
#they're made with those label printers which means a bit of heat will turn them black#did i ruin two tickets? yes#did i save 5 other tickets because i did a test run on the ones i had x2 first? thankfully also yes#nonetheless i am still upset#because that means my autographed wt13 ticket will forever be prone to fading
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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the wild thing about rsd for me at least is that the anticipation/expectation/fear of rejection is MUCH worse than actual rejection. like if i experience outright explicit rejection or like "im mad at you" or "i dont want to talk" or whatever else, it sucks of course, but i feel legitimately panicky if im left wondering. if i feel like someone might be avoiding saying that theyre mad/annoyed/uncomfortable it makes me nauseous
#vent#ig?#this has been a recurring issue for yeeears and it's. so annoying to deal with#i really struggle to identify other people's feelings anyway (even when it would be obvious to most people)#so i never trust myself or my memory or interpretation of conversations#im totally fine making an ass of myself on social media of course#but if i start to think someone i like may be mildly annoyed with me#it's this instant spiral of 'if i dont fix this immediately theyll hate me forever'#ive gotten a bit better about that part since starting my anxiety medication#but like i am often afraid to message friends because it's like#oh god what if im being annoying and they hate me now but they dont wanna say it#i still push through most of the time but. augh#please......youre doing me a favor by just being explicit............yes ill be upset that i did something that annoyed you but please.....#if i ask if youre annoyed with me please just be honest or ill vomit </3
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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
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openly weeping at the idea of someone genuinely hating soul punk.
#like it makes sense obviously that people would. i guess. but i thought most people who didn't like it just didn't like#it because they didn't like patrick all that much or it was too different or they were just upset about fob's hiatus.#like idk i feel like calling patrick's lyricism bad is a little unfair.#like not to compare 2 bad bitches but he's right there. so pete writes comparatively just as cheesy lyrics.#i like that. don't get me wrong. 'cheesy' as a compliment. but like. patrick's lyrics r 2 cheesy 4 u? the fob fan?#like yes he uses a fash buzzphrase in 'dance miserable.' but i am almost certain he didn't think through the implications of it#and 'people never done a good thing' has like. weird liberal ableism in it. but that one was a bonus track and once again reads#very much like something he just. didn't think about very hard. still bad. but it's better than him doing it on purpose.#especially given how much of soul punk actually is actively trying very hard 2 be progressive and the former within the context of the song#reads more as overly cynical than like. actually fash. but he should've phrased it in a non fash-y way. yes.#it reminds me of the 'manifest destiny' line in 'high hopes' by panic actually.#like that's a buzzphrase that they totally didn't think through at all and that's. bad. really bad.#but it's also kinda funny given how liberal democrat these bands and ppl tend to try to come off.#like nobody caught that in 'high hopes?' all those writers in the room and nobody caught that?#was it like a 'maybe someone else will say something' '*crickets*' kinda sitch on that one bc. lol. lmao even.#i hope the white liberal guilt sits with them on that one.#but i digress. soul punk. that's two songs (including one bonus track) with a questionable lyric each.#otherwise both perfectly fine songs.#that being said yeah. sometimes the cynical liberal stuff grates on even me a little at times. like i feel it i really do and i think#patrick makes some important points but it's so bitter. even when he's writing *more about relationships it's just like damn dude.#(*asterisk because everything is political.)#AND I GET WHY. obviously. patrick is just like that a little bit and he was Going Through It. more relevant on truant wave tbh#because i think that mindset works better on soul punk.#i could understand the cynicism maybe tanking somebody's opinion of soul punk but it doesn't really bother me enough to alter my score.#also i understand it's the best song on the album but idk about ppl saying cryptozoology as a single. doesn't totally defeat#the purpose of the song and it would've also been powerful as a single#but it's just such a beautiful Fuck You to have it as a hidden track.#patrick stump#myevilposts
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guys don’t you think, as a collective, we should be past bashing the women a character dates simply because they aren’t who a fandom wants. this is terribly worded- what I mean is that; there is so much more nuance and depth to a “doomed” relationship than
This woman sucks and hates the actual person that man character should be with- or- This woman is the worst why are they together!!
idk guys, just feels, at least to me, that if someone was in a relationship with a very kind, lovely person and yet they still can’t find it in themselves to love them because of their feelings towards someone else, THE DRAMA GUYS!! THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL!!
also- sometimes those fics, specifically, feel so hateful towards women as a whole. Women aren’t a monolith, number one. They should be allowed to have flaws and mess up without a fandom going “I told you she was the devil” my brother in Christ, she is a human??
- and also deserve to be respected and loved in a relationship as well. If the person they’re in a relationship with doesn’t give them the time of day, or any sort of respect (because they’re in love with someone else in this case) that (man in this instance) is being a fucking dick
like y'all seriously wanna read a story where your favorite little guy acts like an asshole to the person their dating, instead of realizing that they are not happy in that relationship and breaking it off. And then expecting the reader (or ig me idk) to side with the guy who’s being a dick to their significant other. Ya’ll- come the fuck on. It’s 2024, putting down (fictional) women for wanting a functional/healthy relationship despite being an imperfect person feels so icky.
-this is not to say that the women I am alluding too are the best written characters. However, I’m just tired to seeing women specifically becoming the target of ire within fandom spaces simply because that character is dating your “lil twink”
the real enemies are the show runners ok, stop unnecessarily pushing women for the script they’re handed
#Also like most people in fandom are women#Or at least not cis men#Why then put women down#can we just not#it’s upsetting and a bit misogynistic(sometimes)#And yes I am thinking about some very specific fics I’ve read#And no I’m not going to say what they are#Just do better#mysogyny in fandom spaces has always been a problem#Let us not perpetuate it ourselves#Also like this isn’t even to say I like the characters in question or that there cannot be a good fic where they are a bad person/partner#I just think we should stop putting them down for zero reason#And I get it- if you don’t like it don’t read it (I don’t) but still
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so this fight with my parents has been going on for three days now and it seems like they don’t even notice regardless of me completely withdrawing from talking and hanging out with them bc apparently hurting me and my feelings is okay
#am I still waiting for a sorry? no#do I wish they would acknowledge their mistakes at least a little bit? yes#anyways never been so happy for a new week to start bc at least I’ll be at school/work for most of the day then 🫡#personal#noelife#it’s giving 2019 therapy core where my therapist said to my parents ‘didn’t you want them to act out and voice their opinions? idk why you#are so upset and shock when they do.’
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At this rate I'm not gonna be able to unmute Gaiden spoilers before adding Infinite Wealth spoilers am I
#smol speaks#I'm gonna be waiting ages before I can click spoiler tags on Discord cgfvbhjnghbjnk#but like i AM kinda sad cause it's like the brainrot is fading? but it's not? the problem is it hyperfocused itself onto a character who wa#there for 2 games. yes i can say 'he's alive to me' as much as i like but it's funny coping denial. i am still legit upset by this fact lol#AGAIN ik it's dumb but he means a lot to me and i love him and it does make me sad when people go 'HES DEAD LMAO' and like. that's the joke#in and of itself yknow? like im somehow dumb for wishing a character received better? but that's a different post entirely#POINT IS im already bored with 6. im bored of Kiryu. i want to see Ichiban but we dont play JRPGs so that may take a while as well. and THE#we play Gaiden. oh fuck when are we gonna play Ishin??? damn there's a lot to play#anyway all this to say Nishiki is still my gf but something about the games and fandom are slowly losing me but not just the regular#'hyperfixation is dying down' way cause i still have a lot to say i just. am i having less fun? maybe? a little bit?
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I hate when apps temporarily block your acct bcs "suspicious activity", yeah yeah I understand it's for security measures BUT PLEASE IM JUST BAD AT REMEMBERING PASSWORDS, LET ME LIVE 😭😭
#having a bit of a freak out right now 🌚#my best friend is gonna be in china for 2 months and our only option of communication is wechat#expect i forgot to log into wechat lately so it logged me out and i cant remember my pass and it got pissy with me for requesting sms codes#so it temporarily blocked me for suspicious behavior PLEASE WECHAT I JUST AM IMPATIENT#and then it said i requested unblocking too many times i have to 'wait'#wait how fucking long wechat?????? how long?????????#and even then with requesting your acct to be unblocked the easiest way is to get a friend w a wechat acct to verify you#HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU THINK I HAVE WECHAT 😭😭😭😭#MY ONLY FRIEND WHO HAS WECHAT IS ON HER WAY TO CHINA AS WE SPEAK WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT THAT#she has to stop in another country for like half a day so im hoping when she lands she can help me 😭#BUT WHAT IF I STILL CSNT REQUEST BY THEN?? WHAT DO I DO THEN WECHAT????#once she gets to china i feel like im basically fucked#but yes i understand security measures but jesus christ please irs me i swear why are you making me jump through all these hoops?????#but im gonna actually be so upset if this screws up me being able to msg her :( we talk every day :(#i think i will actually combust and die if were just no contact for that long im actually gonna die#how am i gonna survive without her sending me china pics and me harassing her with f1 updates :(((#ugh i dont know what to do :( and i feel really upset abt it#maybe whatsapp will work and we can fix my acct but who knows :(#catie.rambling.txt
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It's incredible. Despite literally Everything They're Doing to promote their store, tumblr STILL doesn't have a HOODIE!!!
ITS NOT THAT HARD GUYS, ITS A HOODIE!!! PLEASE!!!!
#YES I AM STILL UPSET ABOUT THIS#the shoelaces? little bit funny im okay with them have actually considered buying them for the bit#trend merch like idea of march oott and vanilla extract? meh i could care less#BUT WHERE IS THE FUCKING HOODIE IN CLASSIC TUMBLR BLUE PLEASE
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I thought I was over my good omens phase but bro, the leaked images and videos coming out today… boy… I THOUGHT I LEFT
#orgchaos rambles#but srsly#I’ll be so upset if I fall back into it#good omens s3#like the whole drama with Neil is one thing#but he’s off the project now#and I KNOW the third season/movie is not gonna be good or what I want#but I am so surprised that I’m still hyped seeing them all dressed up in their outfits#that fandom is filled with love and trauma yes but also so much care for the ineffable husbands#I really just wanted to stick with hazbin tho bc even though it’s a younger and smaller fandom than im used to#it seems to have semi good roots?#like viv isn’t a predator#it’s women owned and queer run/written#so like… I have hopes for it#but also I fear that hazbin s2 and go s3 will come out around the same time and I will have an aneurysm#like… I’ve done the math#it’s very possible they’re gonna come out in the same month/around each other#also i don’t think their gonna advertise s3 as much as they did for s2 bc of all the drama#and I know hazbin is gonna go fucking crazy with marketing#but like…#these are two shows I super care about#one has my heart and I have history with (4-5 yrs with good omens) and the other is my newest infatuation (1 year)#but I think just the amount of fic I write for hazbin has to be telling it means more to me than I think#but go has gotten me through A LOT of shit#and s2 was awful and it broke me and I’ve always hated Neil at least a little bit (before the accusations bc of envy and then afterwards#for legitimate reasons and hatred)#but also s2 made me hate him bc he was so fucking stupid with the writing of it#I will never forgive him.#for any of the things he’s done#he’s a monster
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general life update bc I realize I haven't been on a ton: yesterday started really badly (tummy flareup problemz...the Usual...) but me and my sister watched what might be my new fav movie while I was sick and it made me feel so much better (fanart maybe incoming. will not be elaborating Yet but Believe Me It was Really Good)
and also have been playing the new zelda game (its good so far!! yipee!! after totk disappointing me i was Worried but no. it checks a ton of my boxes already!!)
AND i'm also vaguely planning some irl crafts (been rly into toy customization vids so I might..try that ?? unsure if I wanna do a doll or something Else. might just need to hit up a thrift store and see what needs TLC and Grab It. I NEED to do something with my hands) so thats whats going on beside the Usual.
artwise ive still been working on the botw ocs and a random sailor moon fanart along with the usual comic stuff!! wips are on kofi but I rly dont have the urge to rush either of those...just having fun with it. I rly enjoy working on illustration stuff alongside the comic bc working on only b&w stuff makes my color-loving heart sad. I am...Multitasker Man 💪
#also the weather outside is.....Terrible so if I DO that toy customization i cant get stuff for it for a few days#we're getting the offshoot of that hurricane in florida. like its fine here but theres been severe thunderstorm warnings and i do hate#driving in the rain its awful so i will not be doing that#even if its just down to a thrift store nearby lol#i dont want to do an EXPENSIVE craft i just want to DABBLE. a little bit#i tried doll customization years ago and i got really Mad at it and gave up#but see..my thought is that if i dont spend a ton (get busted dolls to fix from thrift stores) i wont feel as bad if it doesnt turn out Goo#sanchoyorambles#theres been mildly upsetting stuff too but im trying to be positive#i also want to apply to another job soon (second job not quitting my current one lol) my income is...Not Good#i would like to be able to live on my own eventually maybe. still dreaming of living in an rv TwT#if im barely on this is why. also have been working overtime 3 weeks in a row i am very close to being able to buy a vehicle of some kind!!#...unsure what kind i keep flip flopping!!! my heart says RV but is it realistic yet?? (no!!) but do i want it... Yes#its def not practical to get that and not have a regular car!! BUT...what if it is Tiny#many thoughts... 🤔
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TW: discussions of body image/eating disorders/fat shaming/etc. Rant under the cut. This is about drag and body image as it pertains to Drag Race in the United States.
Thinking about Drag Race in the US. 16 seasons of Drag Race, 7 seasons of All Stars (excluding winners’ seasons), however many Vs The World seasons, and there has *never* been a winner that isn’t skinny.
Oh, some competitors get close. Supposedly, drag is open to all body shapes and sizes (with the right padding and shape wear and makeup). Supposedly, no matter your body, you can shapeshift into something beautiful. Over and over and over again, Drag Race has competitors who pride themselves on being “big girls”; people who grew up fatshamed, but turned it into their brand. Many of these queens are incredibly skilled performers, artists, and entertainers. And yet.
And yet.
Somehow, when the judging gets close, the fat queen usually gets cut.
I think about RuPaul’s background before Drag Race, as a runway model. How the Tic Tac Chit Chat is a running joke; “oh, RuPaul can’t finish a tic tac”. How many queens on the show are *frighteningly* skinny, and this is seen as a compliment. Producers will stitch together storylines of queens recovering from eating disorders, and in the same breath, cut to RuPaul and Michelle Visage complimenting a queen on how small her waist is in that corset.
I think about how many of these queens have had plastic surgery. At least one a season, usually more. How queens will come back for All Stars and I can no longer recognize them, not because they’re painting differently, but because their faces have entirely changed shape in the past few years. Hollower cheeks. Larger lips. Shaved jaws. Cutting and slicing for some proportion that makes them look slimmer and more feminine. How Morphine won the finale Lalaparuza Smackdown, with a $50,000 prize, and excitedly told the camera how she was going to “invest in her body”. “You get a BBL, you get a BBL, everybody gets a BBL!”.
Some of that is gender-affirming surgery, or other medically necessary surgeries. Detox got reconstructive surgery after a car crash, for example. A lot of it… isn’t. A lot of it is an “investment”. Part of the job.
I think about how a queen walked a runway with a look critiquing plastic surgery, all nude illusion and dashed lines, carving away at her waist and hips and butt. How Michelle Visage called it “overdone”. So many queens have talked about that already. It’s not new. It’s old news. Step up your game and talk about something more compelling.
16 years and not a single fat queen has won.
My friend and I aren’t watching seasons in order, but rather by how much they like a particular season. We’re working through season 7 right now. Violet Chotchki wins that one (sorry for spoilers). Violet also spends the entire season focused on emphasizing her body. How young she is. How skinny she is. Look, her “Death Becomes Her” runway is just her in the tightest corset possible, with an IV drip stuck into her arm. Cinched to death. The judges coo at how her waist is *so* small-
How many queens have come onto this show and bragged about losing 50 pounds? How many queens come back for All Stars, gleeful that they’re not a “big queen” anymore? Just “thick and juicy”, just “don’t need any padding”. You can have fat… as long as it’s in the butt or breasts and looks sexy enough. Otherwise it’s a hurdle to cry about in the cutaways. You can be as fat as you want on this show, sure, but if you lose weight you’ll get a camera in your face talking about how much “healthier” you are.
I think about how fashion runways are infinitely, horrifically worse. How most of these winners would, should they walk the runway, be put into a boring pencil skirt in the “plus size” category. They should be so lucky.
I think about Latrice. I think about Ginger Minj. I think about Eureka. I think about Mistress. I think about Megami in the Lalaparuza Smackdown. All these queens that get *so fucking close*. But some little thing-
Some intangible, unnameable thing-
Some unspoken qualia just barely makes their slim competitor stand out enough to take the crown.
I love drag. I really enjoy watching Drag Race. It’s a pocket of explicitly queer media I don’t get to see much of anywhere else. Disabled queens have won multiple seasons. People of color have won multiple seasons. Trans people have won multiple seasons. Just this year, the first East Asian queen won Drag Race in the US. Drag Race is incredibly inclusive to people from all backgrounds who are talented artists showing off their skills-
RuPaul makes another joke about skipping meals and getting surgery to maintain a queen’s “girl body”.
I turn the TV off.
#blue chatter#this makes me want to chuck rocks a little bit!!!!!!#this is not the only issue with the show by far; part of this is that it’s reality TV and they play up cultural biases and such for drama#I know that#there’s also plenty of examples of pervasive racism and classism on this show#even forms of queerphobia#and I understand that this is a show about a very particular subculture of queerness and that expecting it to be unproblematic isn’t fair#the reason I’m talking about drag race specifically is bc my roommate loves it and I’ve been watching a lot of it bc of that#so I’m more familiar with it and better able to call out what I see#please do not start discourse in my notes. I am aware that having a show like Drag Race continue to air is incredible#but please for once can there be a queen who looks like me who doesn’t have to talk about her weight constantly#I don’t think fat queens get judged fairly. I think there is still an association between fat and ugly that shows up in judging decisions#And I think there is a very real danger of encouraging behaviors that are harmful to the queens on the show and the viewers#yes I know part of this art form is being able to alter your shape. I don’t take umbrage with corsets and padding and such.#I do take issue with larger queens getting told they need to do more than their skinny competitors to attain a ‘flattering shape’#violet chotchki walked that nude illusion runway with literally no clothing and won that challenge#despite putting no effort into her look. that gets under my skin. that speaks to me that skinniness gets rewarded over talent#yes it absolutely takes confidence to walk the runway naked that’s not the point. the challenge was focused on altering your body shape#so that even with only your shape you were still giving an appearance of femininity and fashion and *drag* on stage#the most Violet did drag-wise on that runway was tucking. but because she was skinny and attractive it was feminine enough to win.#that makes me upset.#anyway. bat; meet wasp nest.
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