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sibillascribbles08 · 5 years ago

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Uuuuh probably long, sappy Scruff fic

an AU where they were childhood friends, but when they meet up again Dareth doesn’t recognize Ronin, and Ronin doesn’t say anything

I’m writing this at 11PM so if there’s typos that’s why

“▒▒▒▒? What are you doing here?”

“Uh, tapping on your window?”

“Psh, you know what I mean. It’s almost two in the morning.”

“I um...”

“What’s wrong?”

“I wanted to say good-bye, maybe.”

“Good-bye? Maybe? What’s going on?”

“I can’t stay here. I’m leaving.”

“What? Did coming out to your parents go that bad?”

“...I haven’t told them.”

“You said–”

“I know, but I can’t, sorry... you... I thought about asking you to come with me but I know you have a future here.”

“▒▒▒▒, come on. Don’t go.”

“I can’t. I can’t keep living like this.”

“You don’t have to. We can figure it out just–”

“I’m sorry.”

---------------------

When Ronin first saw Dareth again his heart got stuck in his throat.

It’s not that he forgot, no, he never forgot. You don’t forget your first and biggest crush that easily, no matter the kind of shit you go through. In fact, he thought about him more often then he’d ever admit. Sometimes he even used his connections to see what the man was up to. A rise and fall in career, off to run a dojo, and then running around with the ninja.

Part of him was surprised, but no, his personality didn’t seem to change all that much. If nothing else he was more carefree in his older age.

But as far as Ronin was concerned they’d never cross paths again, until he had to go and get mixed up with the ninja.

Looking back, stealing Zane and messing with their memories wasn’t the best idea. Of course they came looking for him when more disasters started cropping up.

Still, despite the shock that ran through his system when Dareth first came wandering into his pawn shop, he couldn’t help but get a flash of deja vu. Like it had happened before. Maybe because of that strange dream he had.

With his heart lodged into his airway, he held his breath. As if Dareth hadn’t been cute enough when they were teens, now he was just gorgeous. He still had dimples when he smiled, which he was doing a lot of as he studied the shelves. Big brown eyes, gorgeous brown hair, all complimented with his brown robes that had no business showing that much of his chest hair.

He held his breath so long he got dizzy and forced himself to inhale, hoping it wasn’t as noisy as it felt. He didn’t move, he didn’t dare. He just sat there, waiting for Dareth to approach, waiting to see if the man would even recognize him.

Maybe not, not as if Ronin looked at all the same as he did back then, but there was a chance right?

Eventually Dareth wandered up to the counter. He rested it elbow on it, leaning against his hand, eyes half lidded.

“Nice place.” Dareth grinned. “Don’t happen to have any spare trophies, do you?”

Ronin couldn’t stop himself. Habit kicked in because, of course Dareth still had the same habits he did in high school. How many times did he use that move to get Ronin to chuckle when he was feeling awful?

So once again he was laughing. Caught himself too late to stop it, but quick enough to clear his throat and pretend nothing happened.

“Yeah, I’ve stolen–er, acquired a number of them. Probably be easy to change the name plate.”

Dareth laughed this time, grinning wider. “Hah, I was kind of joking but that’s good to know. Might look into it when I get some spare money.”

Ronin crossed his arms, relaxing against the counter. “Have to build up your wall of fake accomplishments huh?”

“Hey,” Dareth pointed. “Some of them are real. Just like to... add emphasis you know?”

Ronin found himself smiling again. It felt so easy, so natural, like they hadn’t been apart for almost thirty years. Maybe Dareth did recognize him.

“So, what’s your name? Haven’t seen you in town before.”

Well, so much for that hope.

“It’s Ronin.” He answered. “And that’s all you need to know.”

“Ronin huh? Sounds familiar. Something familiar about you.” Dareth leaned in close again, squinting. “Can’t seem to place it.”

Ronin let out a nervous laugh and moved away. “Hah, well, I get that a lot. Eyepatch makes it hard for people to get a proper read on my face.”

“Swear you were in a dream somewhere.” Dareth hummed as he straightened up. “Maybe I’m remembering wrong.”

If they wound up having the same dream that would be something freaky. For now, Ronin ignored it.

“So, if you’re not in the mood for trophies can I convince you to buy anything else?”

“Oh? Just what would you try selling someone like me?”

“I have a killer collection of old records.”

Dareth gave a mock gasp. “How did you know that would get my attention?”

Ronin shrugged, but his gaze darted to the side.

“Lucky guess.”

------------------------

Ronin told himself that it was a childhood crush. It had been almost thirty years. It was over. Done. Finished.

That’s what he kept telling himself when Dareth visited more and more often. It’s what he emphasized with Dareth accidentally broke his leg. It’s what he chanted in his head on loop whenever the man would check on him in the hospital, or back at his home. It’s what he whispered to himself whenever Dareth would leave, a smile from the earlier conversation still lingering on his face.

Damn it, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Why couldn’t he just grow up?

But part of him didn’t want to, especially where Dareth was concerned. Talking to him was effortless. He couldn’t even remember the last time he laughed this much.

And there was plenty of conversation to be had when he was helping put Laffy’s together. By now they’d developed some inside jokes, that left Nya staring between the two of them as they tried to cover up their laughter. There were paint fights, Dareth tossing ice down the back of his shirt, and at least two late nights Dareth convinced him to dance around the still-being-built dining room floor.

Well, even if Dareth didn’t remember him, it’s not like Ronin didn’t have a chance, right?

But somehow that felt deceptive, twice as deceptive as it normally did. The biggest reason he avoided any kind of long term relationship, apart from the fact he just sucked at them.

At some point they’d find out, and what would they say then?

Then again, Dareth already knew back then, at least partially. He’d been one of the few people Ronin could even trust with a secret like that. There’s no way the man would judge him for it now.

But that still left the matter of telling him.

Of course an opportunity would come leaping out at him over a pair of drinks. Laffy’s was long closed for the night, most of the cleaning done, but after a busy day like that Dareth convinced Ronin to stay.

For once he wasn’t overdoing it, but he’d had enough to start feeling tipsy. By now he’d shoved his empty glass to the edge of the counter so he wasn’t tempted to look for more.

“You ever been in love?” Dareth mumbled.

The question had come from nowhere. After a lengthy conversation on whether Tron needed a reboot or not, there’d been nothing but silence. Then that.

Ronin blinked, trying to get his eye to focus. In the end it just settled on Dareth. “Once.”

“Only once?” Dareth stare was full of doubt. “Come on now.”

“Only once.” Ronin said. “Would you believe it was on my childhood friend?”

Dareth hummed. “I guess I’d believe that. Strong bonds and all.”

Hah, yeah right. Ronin snorted, ignoring the urge to reach for his empty glass. “I ran away from home at fifteen. Last time I saw him.” Well, that was a lie, but Dareth didn’t need to know that yet.

“Huh? Why did you run?” Dareth frowned.

Ronin bit his lip, rolling it between his teeth. “I just... couldn’t keep living like that.”

His friend snorted, almost burst out laughing. “Funny, that’s what my friend said.”

Once again his heart lodged in his throat. “What?”

“I had a friend run away when I was in high school. They... they were dealing with a lot. I got it. But it still sucked.” He rested his face on his palm. “Sometimes wish I had run with them.”

Ronin rolled his eye. “Trust me Dareth, you don’t.”

“Oh? And how would you know.” The man looked at him again. “It’s not like you were–”

Dareth froze. His eyes went wide, mouth hanging open. He was looking at Ronin like he’d seen him for the first time.

Then recognition swept over him, then something else, as if he was in pain. “Ronin?”

Ronin ignored how fast his heart was racing. “Yeah?”

“Did you... did you used to know me?”

Once again he was biting his lip as he nodded.

Dareth stood up, nudging his stool back. “It was you! That’s why you looked so familiar. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Say what?” He ignored how his voice cracked when he spoke. “Part of me assumed you forgot me for a reason.”

“I never forgot you.” Dareth protested. “I just didn’t recognize you. I mean look at you.” He gestured from Ronin’s face down to his legs. “If you hadn’t made that comment and convinced me to take a hard look I still wouldn’t have noticed.”

“Well, on one hand it’s a good thing I look so different.” Ronin kept avoiding eye contact, leaning on his prosthetic hand. “But sorry, guess I should have brought it up sooner.”

“Hang on.”

“Hm?”

“You were in love with me?”

His face slipped, and he would have slammed his chin into the counter if he hadn’t caught himself and sat up completely straight.

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

“W-well.” Ronin sputtered. “You just... were really nice you know.” He laughed, because that always covers it up, right? “And cute. But I was never... I mean I wouldn’t have...” More nervous laughter before he cleared his throat. “You don’t have to worry about it.”

He was hoping Dareth would laugh it off with him, but the man’s face was serious, gaze fixed on him. Ronin swore the room just jumped three degrees. He rubbed the back of his neck to get rid of some imaginary sweat.

“Do you still feel that way?” Dareth took a step toward him.

“I...” Ronin hesitated, not sure what to say. Instinct told him to keep denying it, but judging from the way Dareth kept glancing at his lips, that wasn’t the right answer. “Honestly?” He swallowed. “I’m... probably more in love with you now than I ever was.”

Dareth reached out, taking his right hand and sliding their fingers together. Ronin didn’t move, didn’t breath. He just kept staring until Dareth was so close that it felt rude. His eyes closed when their noses brushed together and he sighed when their lips met.

That contact had his brain dragging up a dozen daydreams. Before he could catch up he found his free hand sliding behind Dareth’s neck, into his hair, pulling him as close as possible.

Dareth responded by placing his hand on Ronin’s back. Their attempt to get even closer forced Ronin to stand up, not that he was complaining. It was easier to kiss when he wasn’t tilting his head so much.

Ronin let go of Dareth’s hand, putting both of them on either side of the man’s face as he deepened the kiss. Dareth wound up turning them both, pushing Ronin against the bar counter. The impact had him gasping, reminding him to breath.

“You know,” Dareth said as he kissed Ronin’s cheek and then his ear. “I always pictured doing this next to the jukebox the first time around.”

Ronin laughed, not bothering to stop the man as he moved to his neck. “Funny, my first day dream was always on the roof of my house.”

“You really liked me for that long?” Dareth kissed his collar.

Ronin sighed but forced himself not to melt under the contact as he pushed back. In a flash he had Dareth pinned against the counter instead. “Admittedly I forgot about it for a while, but then you had to show up looking fifty times more gorgeous than you ever did.”

Dareth blinked, seemingly surprised. “Hah, gorgeous? Ronin, I wouldn’t–”

“Don’t tell me I’m wrong.” It was his turn to kiss Dareth’s neck now. “No one’s ever taken my breath away as fast as you.”

“You’re one to talk.” He put his hand on Ronin’s cheek, forcing him to look back up. “Just look at you.”

“You better not call me pretty.” Ronin pretended to pout.

Dareth shook his head. “No, pretty’s not the right word, but I at least know it suits you so much more.” He ran a hand through Ronin’s hair, letting the strands fall back into place. “You just look so much more like... you.”

God, the most frustrating this about this man was that his words always wound up twice as gorgeous as his face was. Ronin tugged him back into a kiss, not sure how else to phrase his appreciation.

Before he could get in too deep a second time, however, Dareth gently nudged him back with a hand against his chest.

“Not that I’m not enjoying this.” His cheeks were stark red, the color reaching all the way to his neck. “But I thinking we might want to slow down just a touch.”

Right, that was probably a good idea. Hell, were either of them even sober right now?

“Want me to take you home?” Dareth offered.

Ronin snorted. “If you come with me what makes you think you’ll make it home.”

That blush was only getting worse. “Right.”

Ronin smiled and leaned forward, kissing Dareth on the nose. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Dareth blinked a few times, as if regaining his composure. “Right, see you tomorrow, Roni.”

“Roni?”

“Uh, yeah, nickname.” Dareth grinned. “Don’t like it?”

Ronin thought about it for a moment. At least it was a change of pace to his codename that had just turned into his regular name. “Nah, it’s fine. Just don’t use it in front of the ninja.”

Dareth laughed at that. “Oh yeah, I can see how that would go. Kai would never quit calling you Roni.” He poked Ronin in the side.

He squeaked as he took a step back. “Hey!”

“Oh, so you are still ticklish in that spot.” Dareth kept grinning. “Good to know.”

“Dareth, don’t you dare.”

“Aw, come here, just want to give you a good night hug.”

“You do not, you liar.” Ronin darted away to keep his distance. The pair of them ran circles around the dining room, but despite being out of breath Ronin couldn’t stop laughing.

For the first time since he ran away he felt like he was home again.

#scribbly fics #ninjago #scruffshipping #there's lots of smooching near the end just FYI #g a y #Ronin is trans he's always trans when I write him #but no you don't get his dead name #I don't even want to come up with one #so it's static #I am so tired but the power of gay fuels me

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gay-otlc · 3 years ago

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Alright. I just finished reading the Pride fic. And while I'm tempted to stuff all my amaezement into the tags as usual, I'll do it in an ask because you need to know just how fantastic of a writer you are.

First off, trans Jolie gives me life, as does Dadwin wanting to adopt the parentless kids (that made me want to cry, honestly, how can you make my heart shatter like this with one line–) She/he/they Sophie supremacy. Also, the line with Fintan doing rainbow arson. And the Fitz scene– holy shit I loved the Fitz scene. "And now he has a word for what he feels for his best friend when they make eye contact a little too long. He has a word and he's not alone." AMAZING. And then, in the Biana scene – "Yeah. Yeah, this is home." – this evoked such a strong feeling in me, like it hurt but also nourished me, and holy shit how are you this talented. I also love how you weave the events of your Little Miss Perfect songfic into a lot of your writing (as you should. It's an amazing fic) and the Maruca part. Edaline Ruewen is such a good parent. MARELLA REDEK FI/FIRE SUPREMACY I AM SO HAPPY YOU PUT THAT IN HOLY SHIT. And guess what, I'm lucky enough for there to be more Dadwin, Dadwin fuels my soul and makes me so delighted. And Tiergan– holy shit, I love Tiergan, that rule-breaking gay rock ("The law is stupid"). And the Linh and Tam content with Tiergan being their parent– fjsdjkhfasl ahhhh. Wylie is the tired-of-this-shit aro content we all need, and also him being the Big Brother fuels my soul even more than it's already been fueled. Dex's hit hard in the best way, ouch. I didn't know I needed Math Gay™ Stina in my life, but I did, thank you. Dellivvy. And Fitz and Biana betting on it. The Bronte and Oralie dynamic gives me life.

Whew, that was a massive ramble but– your writing. Saiph, I don't know quite how to say this, but your writing is absolutely incredible. I felt the full range of happiness reading this fic – delight and warmth and amusement and the joy at being near tears. I was near tears. I am near tears, and they're about to spill out, because your writing is so amazing and profound and evocative and makes me feel like I'm home, like this little pocket of this fic is cushions and blankets and soft things and it's just where I want to be. I want to live in this pride fic, Saturn, I want to nestle in its nooks and crannies and read it again and again and again because it makes me feel unbelievably happy.

I think my soul just ascended when I saw this ask because no matter how much I love people screaming in the tags, this gives me the chance to scream back in my own post and *cradles this ask gently* it's something that can be so personally.

I've only had the trans Jolie headcanon for like three hours, but I will die on this hill.

Okay but Elwin just... they're such a caring person and it would break their heart to see so many people hurting and they want to help them but they can't. And then they try anyway and I just-

She/he/they Sophie is one of my favorite headcanons, and I really just needed to give the human family some content. I miss them.

Tbh I wasn't that big a fan of the Fitz scene, it didn't look like I wanted it too in my head, but I'm glad you liked it! I absolutely adored writing the Biana and Maruca scenes. You should know that the little miss perfect events are my personal canon and it happened in the background unless explicitly stated otherwise.

EDALINE IS SUCH A GOOD MOM I WANT HER TO ADOPT ME ACTUALLY. If you've been following my rereads of kotlc I'm never gonna not scream about Edaline being a good mom.

I wasn't really sure what to do for Marella but I think you reminded me that those pronouns existed? And I knew that would be such a power move so yeah. They're fires now.

Dadwin. Dadwin is my life force that is all. And yeah Tiergan is a rule breaking gay rock that is his entire personality. Like "The law is stupid" is 100% something xe would say in canon, change my mind. Linh needs a supportive parent and I am happy to provide that for her okay. Tired-of-this-shit-aro-older-brother Wylie supremacy okay.

Dex's was... I struggled a lot with that one but I'm so pleased with how it turned out. And math gay Stina! I knew I wanted one of the four horsegirls to be a math gay and I figured it worked best for her.

I couldn't not include Dellivy. They're just so!!! And the kids absolutely would bet on it. 100%

Please, thank you for the opportunity to ramble back <3

This fic was really my love letter to pride, because I have so much love for pride, and I really am so glad that love shone through and other people are finding something comforting in that. Thank you so much for this ask because fuck, I loved every second of writing that, and it's so good to know it resonated with others.

#long post #i don't really know how to words but. i love you so much okay

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transsexualhamlet · 4 years ago

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tg anime vs manga *sighs*

i have the power of hyperfixation and anime on my side! AAAAAAAA

Ok now that we’ve gotten the sins of re post out of the way we need to discuss this. And I just feel that this needs to be covered because I can’t ever get away from constant discourse on this, mostly fueled by manga readers who feel entitled to always think they’re superior for reading the manga, that the manga is the only real canon, that it’s more complex or better, I’m so fucking tired of it. I am also a manga reader, and I tend to get like that sometimes too with many series (for example no. 6 and the promised neverland.) I get it. It can be really annoying to see something butchered on screen to what the original is, changed or represented differently or given a different message or simplified. But just. Some people like the anime and it’s not a goddamn holy war for y’all to fight. It only makes anime fans not want to read the thing even more yknow cause manga readers are pretentious assholes, and I am aware of this as one of them.

(again ok i’d like to mention i know this fandom is basically dead but a certain p*nterest is always like 4 years behind on fandoms so i keep fucking running into Discourse that’s like, still current, whenever i want old random ass content) (and youtube, why do i look at youtube comments, because I personally enjoy being offended? yeah probably)

And that brings me to the point of this anime vs manga.

This is a lot harder to compare than a lot of other series, because there are just... so many more differences not just in the style and vibe but the story itself.

Disclaimer, I’ve never watched the anime for :re and i don’t intend to, because I honestly have no earthly clue how tf you can get from the highly diverged tokyo ghoul root A to re and make it make sense, and I don’t really want A ruined for me. So you can call me biased towards the manga in the case of re, i guess (which makes my eventual conclusion even more strong I’d say) Honestly I just see them as two completely different stories, the manga’s version connecting with re and A just like... ending there. So how we’re drawing the lines is basically tokyo ghoul A versus the manga and :re. God, I know this isn’t a fair fight because I already hate re so much, but I feel like the manga’s story is much more intertwined with :re than the anime’s is, so that’s what we’re going with.

oh god also another disclaimer this opinion is coming from the biggest fucking kanehide whore, you can disregard anything i say if you ship The Straights and/or do not care for my boi hide

To be honest, if I can take my own conclusions and liberties to the story, I like both versions, each have their pros and cons and kind of a conflicting message. They can’t really coexist. Usually I’d consume all versions and then create one consistent canon in my head for what I accept as the true events (for example my main owari no seraph, first season of the anime is canon but after that we only follow the manga since those can come together and make sense.) but it’s very hard to do that in tokyo ghoul, since I must confess... I really like root A. Like of course, it’s a lot different from the manga, but tbh I think it’s super valid. (unlike most Fans TM like this Fan TM who i’m sending this post to just to spite their singular Youtube Comment Section Discourse, yes I did write this post for you and many others like you) But the ideas that make up root A conflict a lot with the ones of the manga, so I just have to accept that they’re separate things and treat them as such.

Now to break it down so people can understand where I’m coming from I guess? God this is already so long here’s a read more

The Case for The Manga (including :re manga)

More Lore + Plot Shit: One of the main reasons that manga readers are pretentious little bitches is a valid reason, namely that, as is the case with most manga, there’s simply more to it than people can fit into an anime. (Although people need to understand that’s because,,, it’s simply a different medium, so it will have different pluses and minuses, such as for example a soundtrack, color, moving pictures,,, you know, all that. Anime onlys don’t say that the anime is better by stating these things that a manga won’t have... because they’re fucking obvious. So manga readers should stop acting like an anime is inherently sub-par for being less in depth, but we digress.) I can understand that reading the manga is kind of important for wanting to understand the lore (though there are like so many other reasons ppl might want to watch it other than to get the lore) and without the explanation of how all this came to be and how it works, everything tends to be really mysterious, confusing, and seemingly random. It’s really nice to know what’s all going on, of course, and stuff like the washuus, rize’s backstory, the explanation for like, kaneki in general, all that- if you’re looking for like, plot shit, manga is definitely your go to. But like, sometimes, you like, don’t actually care about those things.

Haise: Of course one of the most important things about well, including re is that I fucking love Haise. Like he is my favorite Kaneki. He’s just so wonderful, look at him in he glasses and he floofy hair and he striped pants and he energy boxers and he s p i c e and he MOM. And I really like how they took Kaneki’s character and developed it more with Haise, you can see his turnaround from innocent--> Emo--> Trying To Be Innocent Again But Failing and I think that’s really sweet tbh. I rejected that at first because I didn’t understand it but once I actually read re I thought it made a lot of sense and was a logical thing to do with his character. (though, uh, moving forward, after his hair changes again i disagree with it, haise 1.0 is a good take and i love him and i want the best for him) I could go on I’ve already written a post of what I think is wrong with :re so if you want to hear my take on kaneki’s 37 pokemon evolutions that’s in there

Good New Characters: And of course there are my favorite bitches such as quinx squad, oh my god, there was a terminal lack of dumbass squad vibes in the original and ishida fucking gave it to us, I love them, I love them with all my heart and I think that if I wasn’t attached to them I’d probably just cancel all of :re but like this is just my personal problem. God I love them. Ishida always pulls through with characters I’m now too attached to.

Vore Lmao:Ok like hear me out. I just get a laugh out of it every time the manga has to remind me of this little fucking fact. Like ok I just. Cannot get over it. It’s so serious about it too and like I realize it’s a serious deal but o h m y g o d

Ok and now that we’ve got that little rant over I do want to say that it is like actually really important past the “lmao that’s pretty gay” bit, like??? In some ways it’s more fitting than the anime because well, ishida’s point always seems to be “what would mentally and physically hurt kaneki the most right now” and does it because that’s who this bitch is. But it just?? Kind of makes a bit more sense for the storyline if we’re being picky here, it’s so,,, painfully on point? Like the entire reason he gave in to Being A Ghoul and all was so he could save his friends and shit (i actually do not remember if this was a thing in the manga but like? when he was being tortured and he like imagined hide being really mad at him and getting killed by jason and shit?) LIKE AND THEN HE GOES AND HAS TO BASICALLY BE THE PERPETRATOR OF THAT HIMSELF, FUCK, it’s a lose/lose situation of “don’t do the bad thing and watch your friends suffer” or “do the bad thing and watch your friends suffer but like, later” ishida please

The meaning of Hide being alive: Ok this is just me crying over chapter 75 still but like. Instead of in the anime, where hide’s point seems to be that instead of letting kaneki sacrifice anything more he’d be the one to give his life up and such, and save kaneki, in the anime tbh he just really wanted to be with kaneki right then?? and like ouch but understanding that in the manga he wasn’t just planning on dying and leaving kaneki to deal with it afterward he wanted to go on and continue to try to help the guy no matter the shit he had to go through, no matter if the dude just like forgot that he existed for two years and all- LIKE UH CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW HIDE DOESN’T EVEN EXPECT ANY APOLOGY? like kaneki’s like “OH MY GOD I’M SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON” and hide’s like lmao nah it’s cool i’m thriving- that his big motto was “live” rather than “peace out motherfuckers it’s been fun”. Cause. Fucking. Ishida. Can’t kill off characters well but like at least he made keeping this one alive justified.

The D e t a i l s: Ok well I feel like this is something everyone knows but the anime is missing a lot of really,,, crunchy details that the manga throws in there, like, well, kaneki’s fucking,,, bones thing, and other assorted details, g o d like those are missable if you want to never understand half the memes but also like,,, sometimes you just gotta read that shit. It also like, makes more sense when you do but sometimes it’s just stupid things that aren’t important but are fucking hilarious.

The Flavor: In general I’d say the greatest difference between the anime and the manga is the general flavor of the thing, the vibe in the manga is a lot, to be frank, darker and grosser and bloodier than the anime, which is a lot more focused on being pretty and Tragic than “HOLY SHIT WTF” but like. That’s valid. With that comes it being a lot more, real, and although the art may not be as polished as the anime’s, sometimes that’s exactly what you need, and the really gritty sketchy shit that’s in the manga sometimes is exactly what it’s supposed to be for the manga. (in the anime, i’d say that the colored and polished style fits it better, so we’re good there.) It’s a lot more real, in the manga, when the anime hesitates to “go there” a lot (and well, sometimes that’s welcome, but sometimes it’s like y o u g u y s c o m e o n r e a l l y maybe i DID want to see that did you ever think of that)

So like, to sum it up i’d just like to say it’s more detailed, sharper and darker and is simply So Much. There is just More Content

The Case for Root A

ON THE OTHER HAND, (buckle up fuckers)

Depth of Emotion (that Ishida was too much of a pissbaby for): God like you know what I mean if you read the last post, we spent a whole episode on these gay fucks in root A, with backstory and dreams and drawn out suspense and emotion and GUYS LOOK AT THEM NO REALLY OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS whereas hide’s limelight in the manga is a whole... two pages, oh whoopee, and that’s mostly due to the fact of ishida putting himself in a spot of “oh fuck goddamn if i drew that in i’d get flagged for gay porn” but that’s his own fault, so he downplays the whole scene and really keeps it in the dark, whereas in this anime it’s understandably a lot less,,, like that, but how it plays out here is simply... really nice and makes you cry and shit, whereas in the manga I’d go “oh god oh damn oh fuck” *laughs my ass off because i really can’t take this seriously*. You get just... more here.

To elaborate on this, in the anime, as a gay fucking bastard, I can get practically an endless amount of content from episode twelve, and endlessly stew over all Those Things about it, every hard hitting line, the expressions, the music making it even sadder, the ways the VAs say the words, the cinematic beauty of the blood dripping on the floor and like how it’s supposed to make you think it’s kaneki’s, GOD I COULD FUCKING GO ON, but if we want to get that in the manga...

we get three incredibly basic lines, a blackout, and then a “QUICK LET’S MOVE ON TO SOMETHING ELSE BEFORE ANYONE NOTICES THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT HAHA”

So if we want to have more, we need to write it. (sadly) None of it is ever played out canonically so like,,, all we can do is infer and make shit up. It’s like, I am a writer so like that’s my whole job but I really would rather have more content, and have the content that’s there get to be emotional instead of *blank face* “this is plot that is happening, sadly” but like maybe it’s just bc i’m gay

Really Fucking Beautiful (aesthetically as well as story-wise): This kind of just goes hand in hand with the depth of emotion bit, and I think it can’t really compared to the manga here because I’m gay so I see pretty colors and cry so the anime is understandably appealing for me, but I’m also talking emotionally, yeah. There’s a lot of plotlines and implications of the story that are really well played out, I always love to watch the original because it does a very good job handling a lot of the harder topics and stuff that makes the whole thing worthwhile- like the whole point you’re supposed to see that the ghouls and humans are both just as monstrous when you break it down, that there are good and bad people on both sides, everyone just wants to live and feel good in their own life and perspective, everyone has reasons that justify their behaviour in their mind, sometimes you just can’t win no matter what, all that... they’re all really important messages and make the whole story, and they were handled much more delicately and with more expertise in the anime.

It’s hard to pin down, but I feel like the manga was just based more on Fight Scenes Characters OoH Fake Science and kind of just gave kaneki infinite power ups after Trying Harder no offense, obviously those things were there and they were still very good in the manga it’s just sometimes they were cheapened a lot by ishida really not keeping track of what he’s trying to say with his story and sacrificing it a lot for “BUT WHAT IF KANEKI’S HAIR AND IDEALS CHANGED AGAIN” instead of making it a whole cohesive work. (and yes, I am VERY aware of your “well aCtuAlLy the hair represents his sanity” thing i know i know and i’m about to rip it to fucking shreds so)

Understandable Character Development And Staying True To It: Which brings me to this point, character development. This was another thing that was just... handled with more expertise in the anime, whoever was in charge of it. Mostly this has to do with Kaneki, since like, no offense but he’s the only one who ever gets much character development other than like, juuzou (asmr you only get character development if your hair color changes) oh and i guess there’s tsukiyama but he’s someone who shouldn’t have gotten character development. Touka gets character development only before re for some reason, and like tbh that’s kind of it. I do think Juuzou’s character development was valid, because well... it made sense? I complained about it before because I was like “well he just turns into spicy L” but i’ve since changed my opinion, he’s best boy. But Kaneki? They went way overboard with him in the manga, and generally? Calm tf down ishida.

Breaking it down, one of the main things that most of the tried and true manga stans seem to hate about the anime the most is Kaneki going over to Aogiri in root A. Since they’re much more acclimated to the manga, they don’t understand why he would do that (quoting a particular ‘probably made sense in the manga!’ yes i know that whole thing was poking fun at the show and i felt it lmao) and they just pin it to “ahaha he has now become Edgy for the fans ehehe time to make fun of him” and TO BE FAIR YOU’D BE COMPLETELY RIGHT. I love to make fun of Kaneki when he does his edgy bitch thing because that’s what he is. A basic edgy bitch who is just,,, such a main character. But like. He does actually have his reasons despite popular opinion and to be honest I think they’re a bit more valid than in the manga, where he’s just like “well I’ve been tortured, that was not pleasant and i kinda did a bad thing, let’s go back to anteiku but i’m just gonna Try Harder To Fight this time”. I can understand that, but like, it seems like in the manga every Character Development of kaneki is some form of “i will now be stronger” except for the singular “I will now be a different person” which, well, we’ll get to that.

In the anime though, even if it seems like more of a basic edgy bitch move, it’s like?? It makes perfect sense to me, and to be honest more than the manga does? Obviously he doesn’t wanna be best bros with Aogiri, he realizes they’re all bad people who have done really terrible things, but the fact is he now sees himself as the same thing, he now understands their motives because in his mind he is also now Bad TM. His whole character development of being tortured was that peace wasn’t an option no matter how much he wanted it, he couldn’t live being a pacifist and the world was forcing him to give the “i am the only one that understands! we need to stop fighting!” bullshit up because there was no way to achieve it. He realized if he kept himself the way he was more people he loved would be hurt like they already had because he couldn’t, so he doesn’t just Decide To Become Stronger, he gives up his humanity. And that includes basically letting himself defend his own actions and try to do “the right thing”.

Him then joining aogiri makes sense because well. They’re the people who are the strongest, who have the power, who are the same as he sees himself. He still wants to protect the people he loves, he just also realizes he can’t do it by working with them since he now understands that their more peaceful ways will by definition get them fucking killed. His understanding is flawed, of course. He’s not really right. But this is his understanding and from that it makes perfect sense for him to join up with aogiri and try to still do as much as possible from that standpoint, realizing that most likely the people he’s trying to protect will hate him for it. I think that makes sense to me, what do you not understand about it? (I also understand that may make some people mad because he’d Doing Bad Things but I point to you he’s so soft, remember when he was really nice to naki when he was literally the one who killed the guy naki was crying about? remember when he was doing a raid and he saw that guy hiding and he never mentioned it? remember like the seventy times he Cried TM, yeah he’s problematic obviously but if you want problematic I’ll point you to a certain fucking black reaper. Shironeki has nothing on that asshole.)

I think what Kaneki did in the manga was fine, but in general the anime (again) had more depth of understanding and emotion versus a steady Try Harder Get Stronger shonen deal, which, well, fair, but like, nah. Continuing why I think the anime dealt it better is the ending of A, which was a lot more well rounded then *kaneki gets stabbed and then there’s a lot of random plot shit going on in the background*. Here Kaneki then got to round out the end of his character development by realizing slowly through the second half of this season, him becoming a kakuja and then basically deciding like, not to

((kakuja kaneki was dealt with again different in the anime and manga because he basically stopped trying to use it in the anime bc he realized it was a bad fucking idea but this goes along with the ‘his character development of “i’m gonna do bad things for good reasons” --> “actually no wait that was a bad idea” was actually done in root A instead of being dragged out into :re and it’s appropriate for its own medium and the messages it’s trying to get across so manga loyalists hate it’ but we digress))

So in root A we got to see him actually develop and realize himself through the second half of the season starting with cochlea, his interactions with Amon, and ultimately through Hide, that he’d been doing the wrong thing by becoming more monstrous/fighting harder because what he did was ended up forgetting the most important thing, *smiles in gay* HIDE.(well, his humanity. yeah. i cite the terrible opening for root A with the fun ‘the hands taking off kaneki’s mask are hide’s’ bit.) He then remembered again why he wanted so bad to stop the war between humans and ghouls, he wanted to be able to live in peace and not have to be a monster- something that was not dealt with in the manga (though for understandable reasons of We Need To Fuck With Him In Re More, they then didn’t deliver on creating something like that later so I take this.)

That’s most of the difference between the original manga and anime, but I’d also like to discuss (briefly, I’ve already yelled about them) the ridiculous amount of hurdles ishida went through to fuck with kaneki in the manga, Of course there is the fact that well, the slower transition of his character does make some more sense for the manga because if you take :re into consideration, his eight billion character changes are more tolerable when they haven’t like, already happened before in the manga (just the anime). It makes more sense there for Haise to be tormented by past kaneki telling him He’s Too Weak because in the manga he hasn’t already had that development prior to “dying”, and he lost his memories still believing he had to be strong even if he did bad things, whereas in the anime it doesn’t track because at the end like i just said he kind of gives up his ghoulhood on purpose because he realizes that joining aogiri and fighting and shit was really wrong because, hide. So I can see why those character decisions were not made in the original when planning for :re, but... the fact remains that those previous decisions do not make up for how absolutely weak :re’s game ended up being with kaneki.

So tldr this entire section, All the manga’s defense of how they handled Kaneki’s development is basically void because all those choices were buildup for development in :re which ishida then COMPLETELY fell down on. So the alternative is better.

And now comes my yelling about how exactly Ishida fucked it up: hair colors and kaneki’s 80 kanekis. If black is supposed to represent sane and white is supposed to represent insane or, whatever, i dunno, who tf thought black reaper kaneki was sane? Who tf would think kaneki in the end isn’t? I haven’t looked into this really, and I’d really love it if someone explained it to me the way ishida was going for bc I do not understand it. Like that tracks with Juuzou, and with Kaneki up to Haise Original, but they don’t really make a cohesive sense seeing as after Haise’s hair color changed again that whole deal kind of goes to shit. Not to mention... I just... they completely failed to make those character changes actually part of the story, I’m mostly complaining about black reaper haise, none of him makes any sense. What’s his deal? He wants to protect who he loves? Tracks with the ghouls but fun fact he abandoned his kids? He actually cared for them? What then, he wants to be the strongest as possible? Sure but then?? Why?? I don’t understand his motives at all.

We also didn’t get to see him get his memories back either, which I was actually very much looking forward to, it just,,, like all of a sudden he’s talking with eto about yoshimura and i’m like bruh when tf did that happen? It’s bad, and although chapter 74-76 is super valid, and his change back into white hair kaneki makes sense, I also have the complaint about how haise basically disappeared just like he was worried he would. I think that was bad and I’ve said that already, it doesn’t make sense, he just literally throws those entire two years away to go back to the way he was before he was with the CCG and just forgets everything he’s wanted for the last few years? Fiction logic test fucking failed, and you’ve also broken my heart. Love Haise. You got rid of him. I love kaneki too but like. Why don’t they just. Like. Merge. He is one whole complex person, not one and an imposter, god.

This is a big negative for re and the manga, so automatically a positive for root A where I simply Do Not Have To Deal With That Bullshit and the character development actually makes sense. I can understand the decisions in the original manga could have set up for good development in :re, but they completely failed to deliver.

root a didn’t fast forward to re at the end god damn let us process this shit first before you try to connect it to something else: The thing with this point is that it’s really difficult to separate the original manga from the continuing story in :re because the thing intertwines so much and immediately moves us forward with a ton of plot points for the next part of the story before we’re done with this climax and the end of this story. Sometimes that’s ok and I can see doing that from an author’s perspective because you want people to continue reading your story instead of taking that as the end but it’s really annoying on a reader’s end, because I’m picky and I want to be able to just be able to enjoy my original canon without it like, metaphorically touching :re on a plate. It’s something that I don’t even do with my own longer stories, like for example I have like a trilogy of >100k fics that like, well i’m technically not done with them but like.

People really like the first one because it’s more focused on a more popular ship and basic elements people like about the thing, and then by the second book it moves on to talk more about the plot and lore and brings in more secondary characters. And so I knew that a lot of the readers of the first one wouldn’t want to have to deal with a lot of the “oh well stuff is happening elsewhere that will effect stuff later!!!” random plot shit that none of my readers actually cared about. So I kept it to wrapping up the points of the first book and then leaving the introduction of new characters and plot for the people who actually wanted to read it. Ishida didn’t do that, and of course it’s within his right to like?? Want to promote the next series but I’d have enjoyed it more if we ended it at kaneki’s “death” and wrapping up the deals with the rest of the characters instead of quickly shoving in the beginning of seventy more plotlines before the book ends. Like honey I simply do not have the reading comprehension for that. In the anime we get something that... makes sense.

In the anime, however, it’s quite the opposite, for example the reveals like Eto=owl=takatsuki sen were pushed before that and they saved episode twelve for, well, the end bit. Like what was actually the ending. There were detriments to this I had to say (LIKE GUYS I GET IT HE’S CARRYING HIDE HE’S CARRYING HIM I GET IT YOU’VE BEEN DOING IT FOR HALF THE EPISODE NOW OK I UNDERSTAND CAN WE MOVE ON) But like, I prefer the concept of a simple idea with as much emotion squeezed out of it as possible to a ton of confusing and contradicting ideas that are touched on for a second before moving on. So the *cries for half an hour* ending was much more appealing to me, and I can keep that separate in my head from any of the ideas that :re creates, letting me pretend it doesnt exist and imagine that’s the end and there’s nothing else to worry about. If we want to move forward and hear more, then we can, but it isn’t necessary like it is with the manga.

No Bad Takes that are hard to pry apart from good plot and characters:This is basically the downsides of the new characters, which is well, if I had to make a whole ~keep reading~ post about how problematic everything in re was that does have to count as a downside. I love the new characters, but they also come intertwined with a thousand really bad takes on like, everything, and of course I can ignore it and just act as though they were written in like, to be perfectly honest, a non transphobic way, it’s a real downside when the original anime was pretty pain-free in the way of their takes on their characters. They fucked everyone up in re and I will not elaborate, we’ve talked about this, it’s just the anime, and which i mean season 1 and root A, don’t really have any bad takes I need to try to get rid of, it’s surprisingly something I have little complaint about at all and I ALWAYS have complaints.

Hide!!!!: Obviously, you can tell that a lot of my opinions are going to be hide based because he’s the only thing I ever think about. But we have to take into account just how... hide???? This goes a lot into the depth of emotion bit but it also offers the other side of the argument for Hide’s part in the :re manga, which well. Was mostly chapter 75 if we’re going to be perfectly honest here. He doesn’t get any other limelight. Even in the chapter where Kaneki meets him again he gets a whole what, three pages? In the manga, he has an extremely valid deal about basically, living, keeping going no matter what, and that is a fitting part for the manga, considering the rest of the points there ride more on Keep Fighting instead of Think About Your Emotions And Morals, but honestly chapter 75 was really valid. So why do I still think the anime’s version where he like (ok I don’t know about the re anime we’ve discussed this, i don’t even know how they choose to explain that) he like, dies in kaneki’s arms is better overall? Again, I would have totally accepted that deal if it was made a part of the story because it made me cry, it was super valid, and if they’d continued in that way I would have agreed with it completely over that. But the fact is again that they failed to deliver, and Hide got largely ignored, suffered so much with so little outcome. There was so much buildup and it was incredibly valid, but when the time came for them to meet again and basically show... why it was important that Hide lived in the end?

They didn’t. They straight up didn’t. Kaneki’s like “oh sorry bro... glad you’re alive and all...” *goes off and fights* and like? Honestly? @everlastingspiral is right, if that’s all they’re gonna do with him what’s the point of keeping him alive? I love every single panel of him and I wouldn’t have read re if he didn’t, but hide gets absolutely NO payoff. For letting kaneki literally vore his entire mouth off, leaving him disfigured and unable to talk, then kind of disappearing for two years and doing seemingly nothing but trying to help kaneki even though he’d forgotten the guy existed, risks his life like a thousand fucking times, eventually gets back to him and the dude’s running a fucking anti-human organization, helps him like Not Be A Volitile Pile Of Flesh Anymore and then what should have been a very important moment of them meeting again gets completely overshadowed by touka and random plot shit and more fights and they barely interact, they don’t even hug or anything, they barely talk, and at the end hide is still there but to be honest he’s gotten absolutely no thanks for all he did and ishida acts at the end as though he’s done very well with hide and gives him a tiny bit at the end throwing in a tragic backstory for fun (which hot take he really didn’t fucking need on top of it all) and... there’s no real hint that Kaneki is better off with Hide there, even though there should be. In 75, in his dream, kaneki is sobbing and crying and all like i’m so lonely without you but when they actually meet each other again? “yo” “hey” “uh sorry about,,, the thing,,, you know” “nah man it’s ok” “let me talk about myself for a bit” “yes you always do do you want to hear what I’ve been up to” “not really” “that’s fine i’m only here to support you”

...So you can understand why I’ve gone a bit sour on that. If that’s all you’re going to give him? Hot take? Let him die. Hide deserves better. (and i will deliver that in writing, but for the purposes of canon.)

In the anime, however (not counting re again... although he still gets the short end of the stick just in the original manga too compared to the anime) he’s properly dealt with! he gets his proper limelight and he gets acknowledged for what he’s done thusfar in the story, which is already so much. Kaneki then realizes that, but it’s already too late (or it isn’t, and they like negotiate with the ccg and then they get to live happily ever after) either way he gets appreciated and he gets hurt, but it’s properly acknowledged. And after all that, after saving kaneki and getting him to the cafe and doing it all while bleeding the fuck out, he gets to spend that time with kaneki and die in kaneki’s arms. And frankly? That’s all I think he’s ever needed. It’s really poetic and pretty and brings kaneki’s character around full circle, and even if it’s overly sappy, cliche, drawn out... he gets the attention he’s due and he gets a fucking break. He wanted to show Kaneki he wanted to do something for him and save him instead of the other way around, but then HE GOT ACKNOWLEDGED FOR THAT, instead of just well, tirelessly working towards it forever and having to be content to be a background character with practically no value to Kaneki anymore.

Keeps The Same Vibe: The big thing about this is that with the manga and with re, shit just goes all over the place, and I feel like I’ve amply showed that already through this essay or whatever this is. Again about the consistency and the professionalism, It’s a concise story that makes more sense than the manga while also being simply neater and more deep, making sure all the points, themes and messages work together and make sense to create a cohesive deal even if it’s not as long. (the manga is like ishida had a TON of good ideas for an essay but then fleshed out the thing ten minutes before deadline and managed to completely lose what his original thesis was even if the thing was 10 pages long.) Basically. yeah. That kind of sums it up, my last point concerns the ending.

Not Cheap Ending: If you want to hear my take about how absolutely terrible re’s ending was, check out my The Many Sins Of Tokyo Ghoul :Re post, and we’ve discussed how the original’s manga ending was bad and well not really an ending, it just leaves you unfulfilled and takes you into “well I guess I have to start a whole nother sequel series ig...” but root A like? Actually ends it? If a reader didn’t know that there was any content after that, they could pretty much infer that hide’s death or almost death whatever you inferred out of that ending (again we’re ignoring re) allowed Kaneki to finish his character development and realize they needed to stop the war, which basically tracks with what’s going on in everyone else’s perspective- eto’s problem with the world because of what happened with everything, is basically like, all of aogiri, juuzou and shinohara, amon and akira and kaneki and they can realize all they have to do is just sit down and fucking stop it because none of them want to be fighting, hide is the catalyst for that because the CCG can see how Kaneki cares for him? And it’s so open ended that you could just like literally believe that and there’d be no way for that canon to tell you otherwise, or you could go onto re and whatever if you wanted to. I think that’s the best thing.

In conclusion, both have valid points, and in general I’d say that the manga goes better with :re and the anime is better as a stand alone but if I had to choose overall, this particular anime is better (taking into account only seasons 1 and 2), for mostly the reasons of favoring a simpler story taken with much more care and depth versus a more complex story with many, MANY imperfect elements, and I am aware I will get shot on sight for this opinion. So sue me.

#tokyo ghoul #hideyoshi nagachika #kaneki ken #tokyo ghoul :re #essay post #god i've been writing this for so fucking long #but i'm right #y'all fuckers asked for a fight? you're getting a fight #rowan's hyperfixation essays

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weebeestie · 4 years ago

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you know, the suicidal ideation plotlines have always made me uncomfortable, but i’ve mostly withheld judgement on that bc dean was still very much ‘in-progress’ and bc i was always convinced the ultimate message would be one about choosing life, and living. carrying on, like the song goes. and for dean specifically, since sam has been shown to carry on without dean pretty successfully (with amelia for instance). but nope. dean may not kill himself in the end, but he doesn’t get to live either. better off dead. oh and btw we’ll bury the gay too for good measure. i am so tired and disgusted by these stories, especially in shows where tptb KNOW that the fanbase is full of people who gravitate toward genre shows and big damn hero shows and shows fueled by love and loyalty bc their own lives and mental health are tough and those kinds of shows are escapist and comforting. this isn’t prestige television, it’s a silly and wildly uneven show with a big heart that people watch because it features their comfort characters. you don’t even need to deliver good writing, the bar is literally so low. but then you take that power, that necessary minimum requirement, that opportunity, and you deliver the message that meaning and peace will come when you’re dead? it’s sick. it’s a sick message, and an irresponsible message. i’m a writer, i struggle with depression and other mental health issues, i’ve gone through some particularly dark times, and i would //never// put something with that kind of message out into the world. dean didn’t even get to fucking live. in the end he just...died after all.

#15x20 #negativity for ts #dean winchester #i'm sorry i keep ranting about this #but i find this kind of writing morally reprehensible #it's just fucking gross #when the episode ended my husband who doesnt even care about the show #turned to me and said with 100% seriousness:#at least one person is going to kill themself bc of this ending

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gra-sonas · 5 years ago

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By David Artavia - April 19 2019

Tyler Blackburn is ready to be free. It’s a bright morning in Los Angeles, and the anticipation is palpable as he speaks candidly on life, acting, and self-discovery. The young actor knows that today is an important milestone for him, yet he can’t help but feel vulnerable during these emotional few minutes.

It isn’t hard to fall in love with Blackburn, whose breakthrough role as Caleb Rivers in ABC Family’s Pretty Little Liars solidified him as one of Hollywood’s brightest talents — earning the actor three Teen Choice Awards (two for Best Male TV Star and one for Best Chemistry, which he shared with PLL costar Ashley Benson) and a considerable number of young fans.

Blackburn’s fandom runs deep and heavy among teen audiences. His starring role in the CW’s Roswell, New Mexico as gay war veteran and amputee Sgt. Alex Manes continues to push boundaries while highlighting issues seldom seen on-screen — like PTSD, immigration, and queer love. Finding the character was cathartic, and in many ways Alex’s inner struggle mirrors the actor’s own.

While growing up in L.A., Blackburn says he resisted coming to terms with his identity. A self-confessed “late bloomer,” he was picked on for being effeminate — times he describes as dark periods in his life, when “self-hatred and shame” overpowered him on a daily basis.

“I got bullied a lot by other boys, and I just felt like my soul was slowly being taken from me,” he reflects. “I ended up eating lunch in my biology classroom in 10th grade, and I had no one to talk to. You form a shell around yourself for protection. And you start to make decisions based off of things outside of what you want and who you are. I stopped doing so many of the things that I loved doing because it felt safer. That right there is the outcome of oppression. When you literally have to mute who you are in order to feel safe. That’s soul-crushing.”

But the young star is done caring about what people think. Now he’s building a new kind of role fueled with the intention to be “as happy as possible, as free as possible” and is choosing to own his space after years of avoiding the truth.

“I'm queer,” he proclaims. “I've identified as bisexual since a teenager.” His voice cracks as years of secrets and dodging media questions about his sexuality falls by the wayside. “I just want to feel powerful in my own skin, and my own mind, and in my own heart.”

Embracing the scope of who he was took time and effort. While he had a couple of long-term relationships with women in his early 20s, Blackburn wasn’t entirely fulfilled by them, and he says he always had an “underlying curiosity” about men. But as is the case for many bisexuals, he battled social pressure to remain binary (either gay or straight). Deep down, he knew he was neither.

“I heard so many things from within the queer community about bisexuality being a cop-out or bullshit or the easy way out or something, and that always stuck with me because I felt the pressure from all sides to have [my sexuality] figured out,” he shares. “And I think for the longest time, I suppressed more of my attraction to men. It wasn’t until my late 20s, towards the end of Pretty Little Liars, that I really allowed myself to go there and not just wonder about it or lust over it, but experience that vulnerability and experience the emotional aspect of what it is to be bisexual.”

Blackburn’s role in Roswell, New Mexico came at a perfect time in his life. “I knew this guy in and out,” he says of discovering Sgt. Alex Manes. “I understood feeling oppressed. I understood having issues with my father [wanting to feel] accepted by him. I understood wanting something but being afraid to have it. I understood self-doubt.”

Someone else who understood was the show’s creator, Carina Adly MacKenzie, who Blackburn came out to while shooting the pilot. Not only did she accept him with open arms, but she made a point to nurture Blackburn’s storyline with immense compassion and fortitude.

For Blackburn, the path toward self-discovery is visible both on-screen and off. Even more prominent is the awareness that he no longer needs to be placed in a box.

“Just because you decide ‘I am this thing’ doesn’t mean you immediately feel like you fit into that thing,” he explains. “That’s another part of the journey that I still don’t always know how to navigate, but I’m feeling more courageous and fortified to explore.”

Fans of Roswell, New Mexico have been supportive of Blackburn and costar Michael Vlamis’s on-screen relationship. Michael Guerin (Vlamis) is bisexual on the show while Alex Manes is gay, but one specific scene stands out: Alex and Michael wake up in bed together and Michael puts his hand on Alex’s leg and caresses it downward, eventually touching where his limb ends — a moving act that many amputees can relate to but rarely see on-screen. The fact that Alex is gay also speaks to the roaring debate on LGBTQ people serving in the military.

“It’s little things like that, that made me realize, ‘Wow, this is a big responsibility,’” he reflects, adding that he’s wasting no time on making other people comfortable.

“I’m so tired of caring so much. I just want to live my truth and feel OK with experiencing love and experiencing self-love,” he says. “Yes, there is an element of, I want to feel like it’s OK to hold my boyfriend’s hand as I’m walking down the street, and not worry. Is someone going to look and be like, ‘Whoa, is that guy from that show? I didn’t know that [he was queer.]’ I want to own my space now.”

In every way, Blackburn is exactly where he should be — the here and now.

“Now we’re at a place where fluidity is spoken about in such a beautiful way that it doesn’t make me feel as pressured to have it figured out,” he says. “My goal above everything is to feel as happy as possible. As free as possible. I don’t just mean happy, like, ‘I’m laughing all day, every day.’ That’s actually insane. That’s impossible. What I mean is, I want to feel free.”

~ The Advocate

#tyler blackburn #happy 1 year coming outversary #i'm so proud of him #and so happy for him #💖💜💙#bicon #the advocate 2019

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mexicancat-girl · 4 years ago

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Miraculously Supernatural

Ao3: Link

Wordcount: 2,720, Rated M for character death and one implied sexual scene.

A Miraculous Ladybug fic that's a parody of the Supernatural ending, because those final two episodes were too ridiculous and I felt compelled to. I'm sorry to the Supernatural fans.

...

"I love you," Nathaniel states.

Felix stares back at him blankly, looking like he's barely holding himself back from saying a slur.

Adrien just watches with awkward horror as Nathaniel dies, being pulled into a portal into what looks like Super Mega Hell. "Nathaniel…! Oh my fucking God, he's fucking dead!"

"He dies all the time," Felix reminds him flatly.

"Well, yeah but...Felix, he literally just confessed to you? That's different. Shouldn't we... I dunno... try and bring him back again...?"

"He's an angel, he'll find his way out. He always does."

"Felix, he literally went to Super Mega Hell for being gay for you," Adrien reminds him irately, crossing his arms. "The least you can do is pretend to give a shit."

"I'm still in shock," Felix says, in his usual flat voice, not seeming to feel much of anything. "Now excuse me while I throw up."

"Better than saying a slur, I guess..." Adrien mutters with pure disappointment. Five years and fifteen seasons of homoerotic tension, and Felix was just as emotionally constipated and homophobic as the start.

At least Adrien had a love interest...which was only introduced last season...and who barely got any screen time... But hey! Marinette was a nice enough girl!

...

“So…” Adrien starts awkwardly, wanting to finally address the elephant in the room. “About Nathaniel…”

“What about him?” Felix asks, raising a delicate brow, completely disinterested.

“You…You sad he’s gone, or…?”

Felix just gives a shrug. “Yeah. Shit sucks, I guess.”

“Oh.”

“We should go somewhere else. Keep moving,” his brother declares, finally finishing chugging his coffee and smashing the empty container under his steel-toed shoes, in a very manly fashion.

Well, Adrien should have expected this. His older brother always ran away from his feelings. And problems. And everything in life that was vaguely troubling, like the emotionally constipated and paranoid bastard he was.

At the very least, these habits have kept them alive so far. There’s that silver lining.

...

“Y’know, I didn’t realize the Insane Clown Posse was still touring,” Adrien jokes, sweating nervously at the group of juggalos surrounding the pair of brothers.

“Very funny,” one of the juggalos rasps, baring his teeth, and. Alright. Those were vampire fangs.

“Really…?” Felix asks long sufferingly, rolling his eyes. “Is this the best the writers could come up with? Juggalo vampires?”

“With knives!” one of said juggalo vampires says cheerily, raising a knife, his face split half-white half-black down the middle. Not very clown-like, but Adrien was willing to give him A for effort and his nice smile that made his emerald eyes glitter charmingly.

Felix, like the complete weeb he is, readies his shuriken and starting chucking them like he’s a Naruto character. Adrien ducks and rolls, slashing at the enemies’ heels with his claw-gloves and readying his baton.

“Ah, hello again, Kagami,” Felix says silkily, in his Protagonist Fighting Voice.

“How could you tell it was me?” asks the masked woman.

“You aren’t dressed as a juggalo, for one. Two, this show has such a minimal amount of female characters, I could have thrown any name of a woman out there and had a good one in ten chance of getting it correct.”

“Make that a thirty-seventy chance, since most of the women die in the show!” Adrien calls back, because he is all for equality and getting statistics correct.

“Yes, of course. My mistake,” Felix states dryly.

“I hate this fucking show,” Kagami sighs, tired and exasperated.

“You’re not the only one.” And then Felix promptly kills Kagami anti-climatically. “I hope you enjoyed your one scene with dialogue.”

“Felix, why didn’t you kill her with your shuriken? You know your best weapon is your shuriken!” Adrien scolds. “I know we’re in the season finale and things should be wrapping up, but—”

And then the younger blond watches before his very eyes as his brother is impaled.

“NOOOOOOO!” Adrien shrieks, going on a vengeance-fueled rampage to kill the rest of the juggalo knife vampires. He then runs over to his impaled brother, who was impaled by huge…rusty nails? He thinks? Listen, he was too fucking tired to question it. “Felix! Felix, talk to me!”

“I’m sorry, little brother,” Felix rasps, coughing out blood, the red liquid splattering down his chin. “I was…careless.”

“You’re gonna be okay, Lix,” Adrien sniffles, clutching his brother’s hand in his. “You’ve survived worse! Like, you’ve literally fist fought God! You’ve survived fifteen seasons of this shit, you can—”

“I can’t come back from this.”

“But why?!” Adrien demands, tears budding in his green eyes.

“Because…I want you to live…”

“I can bring you back! I can, I swear—”

“You really think the writers will do that, when they want to end this flaming trash heap?” Felix chuckles, with a slight smile, lips coated red.

“But you survived so much! How will the audience even believe you died from murderous vampire juggalos?!”

“They won’t…This is…the stupidest fucking thing the showrunners could have done,” his older brother rasps with a sassy and bitchy roll of his eyes. “Fucking morons…Total brain rot…I knifed God, and this is the thanks I get…”

“You’ve died plenty of times before, I can just bring you back, Felix, it’s gonna be—”

“No. Let me die in peace, you dumb, whiny little bitch,” the other blonde growls. “I’ve been stuck in this hellhole of a show for fifteen fucking years. Let me die already. I don’t care about the situation being braindead and unrealistic. I don’t care about the mechanics. We’ll just say that resurrecting me when you’re alone it too dangerous because it takes a toll on you that’s too great to pay. Before, Nathaniel could resurrect one or both of his because of his holy powers. Without him, doing this is pretty much impossible.”

“I can’t fucking believe that in your death scene, you’re actually giving an in-universe explanation that’s more realistic than what the writers of the show can come up with,” Adrien weeps while laughing.

“It’s a skill,” Felix deadpans, his grey eyes going soft as he brings a bloody hand up to gently touch Adrien’s cheek. “Listen…Go live your life…Live a long and full one…Marry and have children and grow old…All the stereotypical mushy shit, alright? You go and do that.”

“But you’re my brother. You’ve protected me from so much, never left my side,” the younger one whimpers, green eyes red-rimmed and face pulled into a visage of pure grief. “Please…”

“Stop dragging this out. You’re giving the incest shippers more to work with,” the older one states, before his eyes go glassy and he stops breathing.

Adrien wails, burying his face in the space of the other’s chest that wasn’t impaled, sobbing his heart out and clutching his dead protector.

...

Adrien burns Felix’s body. It’s what his older brother would have wanted. No physical remains, no possibility for his body to be taken by any of the monsters lurking in the world.

Adrien burns his brother’s body, and keeps moving.

...

Adrien is in a shoddy motel the next day. He only has one slice of toast for breakfast, to show how sad he is of his brother’s untimely demise.

...

Adrien is wearing glasses and his hair is a shoddy grey comb-over, to show that time has passed. He looks like a very tired university professor on tenure that no one is quite sure what subject he even teaches.

He’s in front of a house, in the lawn. “Lix! C’mere, Felix!”

A little boy with sandy hair and a bright smile runs at him, and Adrien hugs his son. His wife stands back, watching the scene.

Does he end up marrying Marinette? Another woman? Who knows. Fuck the fans for wanting to know that answer, amirite?

Adrien goes through the motions, and hopes the finale will end soon.

...

Trees. As far as the eyes can see. Trees, and a mountain range in the distance, dirt road under his feet.

“My love…” Felix whispers, tears budding in his steel-grey eyes, which have softened with pure love and passion. “I…I thought I’d never see you again…”

He stumbles forwards, stopping in front of the beauty in front of him. He carefully reaches a hand out, before gently placing his fingertips against the silk-smooth surface.

“Plagg, you little bastard, I didn’t even know cars could go to Heaven…” Felix breathes out a laugh, one of elation, tears spilling out of his eyes. He sniffles and wipes them away.

“Well, this is Heaven. Anything you could ever want would be here,” a voice says kindly.

Felix blinks, whirling around to stare at the man sitting in a rocking chair in front of a saloon he hadn’t noticed was there before. Next to the familiar man was an equally familiar ice cream cart.

“Andre…?” the blonde asks, confused. “I—What the fuck are you doing here? You’re a minor character.”

“Yeah, but I’m a minor character that was confirmed to have gone to Heaven,” the portly man says, nodding back at the monster hunter. “The writers couldn’t really think of anyone else to throw in here to serve as your guide, so here I am.”

“Well. Alright then,” Felix blinks back.

“C’mon, son. Lemme share with you some teen-rated friendly ice cream.”

“Suspiciously worded and a suspicious request, but I’ll play along,” the blonde shrugs carelessly, striding forwards.

The portly man hums, digging through his ice cream cart, creating the perfect cone in front of Felix’s eyes.

“Red velvet for his hair, cheesecake for his wings, and blue sherbet for his eyes and soul,” the ice cream man says kindly, handing the cone over to Felix, who takes it with numb fingers.

“Thank you,” he tells the man stiffly, carefully licking at the cone.

“This place has everything you could ever want…Except…” Andre’s face turns sympathetic and soft with sadness. “Well, he’ll be here, eventually. Time works different here than it does where Nathaniel is at. But he’s an angel. He’ll find his way back here.”

“…Sure,” Felix says, lips twisting into an awkward half-smile. This is Heaven. He can’t go calling an angel a homophobic slur. He’ll end up switching places with Nathaniel, or something.

Besides, Andre was kind enough to make him an ice cream cone. And it was a rather nice ice cream. So Felix enjoys the cone, for about five minutes.

“Can I go back to Plagg, now? My baby needs me,” Felix asks five minutes later in almost a whine, sick and tired of the ice cream flavors that reminded him too much of Nathaniel.

The portly man chuckles. “Go on, then, Felix. Go on.”

The blonde grins toothily and runs back to the Impala. “Ohhhh, baby, how I’m glad to see you…!” he coos, opening the door and sliding in. He breathes in familiar scent of his reliable, manly, super sexy heterosexual car. “Now, let’s crank it!”

Felix’s smile fills his entire mouth as he chucks his unfinished cone out the window, turns the ignition on, and revs the engine.

Plagg drives smoothly, like a cat purring. Felix turns on the radio, Carry On My Wayward Son playing as he drives through Heaven. Maybe he can find a place he can look over Adrien from. That would be nice. He wants to see if his little brother actually had kids or not. And see how ugly he’s gotten from old age.

...

Adrien’s hair has now turned white, to show how even more time has passed.

Carry On My Wayward Son, but it’s a cover from Evanescence, plays in the Impala as Felix parks the car and watches his little brother be an old man.

...

Nathaniel sighs and taps his fingernails against the desk he was sitting at, in Super Mega Hell’s bureaucratic offices.

“What the fuck is taking them so long to revive me again…?” the gay angel mutters, pouting. “They usually don’t take this long! Are they not doing it because Nathaniel feels awkward about everything…? Did one of them die, so they don’t have enough energy to complete the ritual…?”

The redheaded angel sighs, feeling guilty. “Poor Adrien…He always was a nice lad. I hope he enjoys Heaven, at least. I went and fixed it up quite well. Shame he has to use it so quickly… Felix must be grieving so terribly…”

“You look sad, Nath. You want me to suck you off?” asks his underling softly—a fellow named Marc who died as a juggalo knife-wielding vampire. Despite Marc’s strange make-up, he had a kind smile and pretty green eyes, and Nathaniel was fond of the lad.

“You don’t have to!” Nathaniel says quickly, face going warm, suddenly incredibly shy. “You’re not obligated to do anything you wouldn’t like to do—”

“But I want to,” Marc says warmly, already sliding onto his knees and unbuckling Nathaniel’s belt. “I’ll get your mind off your little boyfriend, alright?”

Nathaniel is about to protest about Felix being his boyfriend—after all, he’d just confessed before being dragged into Super Mega Hell, so he hasn’t had the time to have a proper conversation with Felix over them even dating—but then Marc fulfills his offer. Nathaniel’s mind goes hazy with pleasure, complicated thoughts about the Agreste brothers flying straight out the window.

...

Adrien Agreste lies on his deathbed, dying from old age. The shot transitions from him lying down with closed eyes, to opening them, his face unwrinkled and youthful once more.

All around him are trees, with a mountain range in the distance, a dirt road under his feet. He turns, and startles, seeing someone he’d lost so long ago.

“F-Felix…?” he asks waveringly, tears in his eyes and throat instantly clogging.

His older brother is as youthful and healthy as the last day before his death. He’s got his arms crossed, leaning his hip against the sleek, black Impala, a wide and toothy smirk on his face.

“Took you long enough,” Felix teases, jerking his head and opening his arms. “C’mere—”

Adrien runs and tackles his brother in his hug, Felix yelping as the two land on the ground.

“Careful here,” Felix grouses, but he’s smiling as he speaks. “You’ll give the incest shippers more fodder.”

“Fuck the crazy shippers, I missed you, you fucking asshole.”

“What did I just say?” Felix sighs, fondly exasperated. He wriggles out of Adrien’s hold, getting up, before offering his hand. Adrien quickly takes it, allowing his brother to pull him up and clap his hand on Adrien’s shoulder. “Welcome back.”

“It’s good to be back,” Adrien smiles with all his teeth, before he looks next to him at the Impala. “Uh…Not to be a Debbie downer, but where’s Nathaniel? And why’s Plagg here? Can a car even go to Heaven…?”

“No clue,” Felix chirps, before he rubs the top of the Impala’s hood like a loving pet own would their cat. “But I’m glad he’s here.”

Adrien deadpans back at him, “You’re grateful your car’s with you, but not the man that went to Super Mega Hell for you?”

“Details, details,” Felix waves his hand dismissively. “Andre told me about Nathaniel—”

“Andre the ice cream man? How’d a minor character like him show up at the finale?”

“You’re asking a lot from the writers of this shitshow,” Felix deadpans back at him. “Anyways, he said Nathaniel would take some time to come back up to Heaven.”

“Dude, that’s pretty homophobic.”

The other shrugs. “All the gays are in Hell anyways. He’s probably having the time of his life down there. He’s aesthetically attractive, he’s probably gotten a few booty calls.”

“You’re the straightest and most ridiculously homophobic man I know, and I am so sorry he’s in love with someone like you,” Adrien says with disgust, wrinkling his nose. “How a selfless angel is in Hell and a homophobic, prickly bastard like you is in Heaven, I’ll never understand.”

“I reap the benefit of the rewards from the terrible writing,” Felix smirks like the devil, throwing up the horns.

Adrien looks into the camera like he’s in The Office. Felix looks into the camera too, his face now startlingly blank, but somehow expressing the full weight of his homophobia. Carry On My Wayward Son plays one final time.

The end.

#supernatural spoilers #parody #nathaniel kurtzberg #adrien agreste #felix de graham vanily #marc anciel #andre the ice cream man #miraculous ladybug #fic #supernatural series finale #mexicat writes

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blaster-aichi · 4 years ago

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Cardfight!! Vanguard Extra Story IF 17—19 things

feat some overdue screaming

IF 17

said overdue screaming

Without the context of epi 19, Kourin’s reference to original memories stands out as incredibly peculiar. Miwa’s response, while fitting for anyone else, could have an entirely new meaning after the revelation at 19′s conclusion, we’ll get there in theoryland.

Never knew needed Kai-kun working part-time jobs but it has become a huge need, thanks writers.

That’s gay. But it does suggest that the possible ruptures in IF’s reality aren’t isolated to Shin and Kamui in the previous episode. It would be nice to see any other instances from the possible ripple effect.

pre-19: “oh this face is a mood”. post-19: “different character but hmmmmm”

With all the Legion Mate comparisons floating around from the get-go, Naoki’s method in tackling his regret is an intriguing choice against his past efforts. In Link Joker, Legion Mate and the second half of the manga/Reboot, Naoki’s objective was to make for his inaction going forward and earn Aichi’s forgiveness. If given the opportunity to go back and redo things, he may have taken it, though having heard from Aichi personally that he’s thankful for everything and everyone that he’s connected with as a result of how events played out, Naoki may not have had the heart to do so. Without that talk, it’s natural that, instead of looking ahead and atoning, Naoki’s turning backwards, it’s a neat contrast.

The series has always built up the relationship between Aichi and Blaster Blade but the relationship between Kai-kun and Dragonic Overlord is so precious, it’s a shame that it wasn’t delved into prior to the past couple of years. The notion of evolving circling the both of them is incredibly fitting, with the history they’ve had in both continuities and the duality of their approaches. (It might have been occupying thoughts a lot since, the scene was so poignant).

Between his soldiers attacking during their first (onscreen) attempt to reach the root of the problem and Emi’s subsequent admission, props to Aichi for isolating it and cutting it off to anyone that tries to interfere, hoping it’s a part of any explanation to his reality warping (assuming it was him, until today, it seemed the only viable reason).

The comparison between Naoki and Kai-kun had me believe the former might join up with the main party as a nod to being there by the latter from beginning to end of Legion Mate, being both characters harbouring regrets (if Kai-kun were to regret that his IF life takes away from the happiness of the Outside World characters).

I just really, really, really love this scene. That is all.

Bless for highlighting the irony in the KaiAi units being adversaries.

Did I mention this is joint-favourite IF epi with epi 7? It’s not, it is and here’s one of many reasons why.

Reason #57 why: the battle choreography.

“Aichi Sendou isn’t the one you want to save”. Makes you wonder who was out to save the object of their regret and who was out to save themselves.

For a moment, had believed Naoki was not-dying (Retiring?) and being returned to the Outside World, somewhat surprised it hasn’t been utilized more beyond the Ultra Rare teams diving into the Akashic Book from.

Very Soft Cardfight. That is all.

Somewhere, original continity Naoki is screaming.

Tell this to your Link Joker self, please.

IF 18

On the one hand, Kai-kun walking around in Miyaji (with or without the context of IF), on the other hand, Bushi Eats.

Probably due to cracks coming from him getting a glimpse of the original reality, but Shingo cares an enormous amount for someone who, just a couple of episodes ago, said all the products in Card Capital were going to make him lose his mind.

“Awful big brother”. Laughs with shovel. (Comparatively, he’s brother of the year.)

PEDAL FASTER.

Love how Masaki and Shinji are named to overlap with their brothers’.

He’s going to fucking murder you.

[Kourin voice] Aichi is tired. [Me voice] As am I of your bullshit.

Wingal took so much time to train that it was only on his third appearance that he didn’t attack anyone. Also soft? So very soft.

NO THAT’S SO CUTE DAMN IT.

I have so much to say about Aichi missing Emi but also she’s barged in twice and you blasted out our of the castle on both occasions. Bullshit.

Do not pull the Legion Mate with me, boy.

Is he super dissociated because how do you even in the face of this?

It’s not just that he shouted her name, but the tone of his voice shouting at her. Thinking about just how extreme it is in comparison to the Aichi she knows and has kept company is pretty chilling.

Just how aggressive Aichi has become within the IF World is alarming; on only two occasions has he let anger get the better of him and one of those two wasn’t so bad. If this is to play on how warped he was going into the fight with Ibuki, good play on the writers’ part.

Semi-related to the above; with exception of three characters (Emi, Rati and Voidkuto), Aichi’s always used honorifics, and attached one to Kourin’s name, so to hear him address her without one is jarring, for lack of a better word.

THE BIG RED FLAG: Aichi’s expression in seeing Kourin having acted of her own accord (and potentially disobey him) smacks of two things: — his perceived crumbling control over the Sanctuary Knights, coupled with Naoki and Shingo’s desertion (his lack of reaction to the latter is bizarre, as it lends itself to and could bolster his hatred of Vanguard) — insinuates he never had control, but was allowed to think that he did. There’ll be a section beneath 19, which itself does a lot to fuel the flames of this suspicion, that will consolidate thoughts and the theory that’s been brewing since this episode last week.

On the subject of 19, Miwa being so nonchalant and passive about everything makes a lot more sense.

Let the girls fight physically more.

UBW Archer Class Meme-y Dialogue tingles.

Naoki and Shingo holding down the fort is very sweet, particularly when Shingo was alone in that task last time.

IF 19

Alarm bells rings first thing in the morning.

The irony in past Ibuki preventing Kai-kun going to Aichi after the past dozen episodes, there are no words.

Odd that the caveat of meeting yourself from another point in time presents itself when it didn’t occur in the first two episodes, unless, at least in this case, it applies only to past events.

There’s trying not to yell FGO at things and then there’s brain yelling “Lostbelt!” at Ibuki.

Rekka and Ren’s appearances gives me hope they’ll resurface; the main characters and audience know where their target is, so would like to think word will somehow get to them. (Speaking of. Nome? Where the fuck are you during all this?)

Episode loves playing with unsettling sights, very fitting for messing Ibuki’s head around, but simultaneously, making it apparent just how much of a threat Kourin specifically is. — On a related note: Kourin beats out Ren, Leon, Sera, Voidkuto and IF Aichi to have the most nightmarish face and I Am Afraid. Give Aichi a face like that al you’ll irreparably wound my psyche.

Intense Vibrating. They’re setting up Ibuki’s Deleting Aichi is relevant, it was the only one Kourin didn’t touch on in the episode and I am burning.

How dare you montage their time together with that music and then cut to this!

Did everyone else forget Jammers were a thing or was it just me being dumb?

Everyday I relate to Kai Toshiki.

Just going to appreciate Kai-kun gushing over giant robots in the middle of battle.

Kai-kun!Blaster Blade vs Greion giving me intense flashbacks to Aichi watching Kai-kun’s image in Blaster Blade sacrificing himself to try and fend off Greion just before he got Deleted and SCREAMS. — Once that fight is brought up directly, if you listen, you’ll hear Rena screaming in the distance.

If there’s anyone who has no room to talk it’s Miss This Thirsty For Aichi. Also when did you two switch places of tease and teased?

“Oh shit, he’s going to Delete Kai-kun”. “Oh okay, false alarm, thank G—” “OH NO SHIT HE’S ACTUALLY GOING TO DO IT!” — On an actual note, seeing the three regrets prominent in this season all take separate routes is interesting; Shuka working to correct her wrongs in the present and moving ahead, Naoki trying to travel back and alter things from the point of origin and Ibuki being twisted to no longer feel regret, seek repentence and rather to repeat his actions. — Ibuki vs Aichi flashbacks intensify. — Also, mid-fall dab.

Double Agent Miwa is a blessing, who knew his acting skills were so good? Although the begs the question (if he was flat-out planted as a mole) how he earned Kourin and/or Aichi’s trust to become a Sanctuary Knight in the first place

IF 20 preview: HYPE! HYPE! HYPE!

Theoryland (Screaming):

Miwa being Takuto or Nome’s Outside World partner:

In both Rekka and Suiko’s cases, there was a companion venturing in alongside them, both of whom are friends of Kai-kun and the same age. Perhaps, Miwa may have been in league with one of the Tatsunagi brothers (having determined Aichi’s motivation and Kai-kun’s position in all this, calling on his closest friend to match the girls’ partners) through whom he gained insight into the situation and moved in order to protect Kai-kun; working from the inside to weasel information out of the others, understand how they operate, monitor their activities to keep Kai-kun out of their sights, (find Takuto, if with Nome) and maybe (find a means to or actively make an effort himself to) drag Aichi out of his current state. It may be that, instead of Sanctuary, his abduction of Kai-kun had the destination of a rendezvous with Nome until the girls’ interference and the entire incident went off the rails.

Aichi as a puppet king and Kourin the true human antagonist:

Since his expression in seeing Kourin on the offensive without his say-so, it’s been on my mind that Aichi hasn’t actually been in a position of power whatsoever throughout IF, but he’s been led to believe he is, and the act might be withering. As "original" memories factor into it and Ultra Rare’s were lost at the end of the main Reboot continuity plot, it’s possible they may be on the line as they were in Link Joker/Legion Mate. — As she’s aware there are such memories, it’s possible that they were triggered into resurfacing when Takuto appeared within IF World and encountered her and Aichi, leading to his capture and confinement, so as not to cause any further damage to the world fabricated. — Alternatively, she might be acting in order to keep the force (a Brandt remnant remains my personal suspicion) that has Aichi in his current state at bay. Her unease in seeing him hanging above the scene outside Sanctuary as she attacked the others might suggest that she was worried it could break loose, as she’s never been one to be rattled. This is why “human” was specified above, because whatever the case, any corruption in Aichi is evidently the overarching antagonist force.

Additionally, throughout the season, Kourin has been fiercely territorial around Aichi, speaking and acting on his behalf, while keeping the other Sanctuary Knights at an arm’s distance. She alone enters his private quarters, sees him in pain, and (no, haven’t given up entirely on the right eye thing, there have been other people around when he’s outside his Alfred form and it was visible) privy to any secret circulating him (as well as IF’s true nature), while keeping the others in teh dark. Her reasoning may be wanting to keep him under he thumb or prevent whatever’s inside/in control of him from running rampant.

And in regards to Ibuki, Aichi made the declaration about casting him elsewhere, but Kourin was the one who enacted it, and the sole player in manipulating him to switch sides. There’s no certainty that Aichi is even aware, much like he might not be conscious of Naoki’s betrayal. — Her being responsible for recruiting might also explain why Misaki was never a Sanctuary Knight: Kourin desired she have an ordinary, happy life, not unlike Aichi’s wish for Kai-kun.

In a truly ironic turnabout, it looks to be that Kourin is IF’s Sera.

#Cardfight!! Vanguard #Cardfight!! Vanguard IF #cfv spoilers #long post

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sensatiions · 5 years ago

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OAKLYNN feat. BEATRIZ

𝐒𝐇𝐑𝐔𝐆𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐅𝐑𝐎𝐌 𝐎𝐀𝐊𝐋𝐘𝐍𝐍'𝐒 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐂𝐇, beatriz refused to so much as look at her girlfriend. she swatted away her hands and pushed off the jacket, moved away from the cover of the umbrella. she hated this. ‘ go the fuck away, oaklynn. ’ the brunette snapped tiredly. ‘ you don’t get to be nice to me. you lost that privilege. i’m not going anywhere with you. you started this and i finished it and i’m finishing it sitting here. you can’t make me go back there. i don’t need your blood money. ’ the galvanising sentence still played in her mind, nausea rising as she thought about oaklynn screaming about how she was sick of of beatriz. she couldn’t pinpoint what had started this, when they’d started to dissolve. she wished that she could. if she could find the catalyst for the cavernous distance between them, beatriz would have done anything that she could to fix it. being lost killed her. losing her parents, losing her friends, losing her degree, and now her girlfriend. there was nothing left to take. maybe she belonged here, stubbornly sat in a half alley ignoring someone trying to get her to make a rational decision. in moments like this, all she could do was pray. she hoped that god would send her in the right direction and guide her to make the right choice, but there was no voice to lead her or a light in the sky to help her find the right path. ‘ go find someone that’s gonna love you better. ’ she threw oaklynn’s words back at the taller female like a child said ‘i know you are, but what am i’ and didn’t feel the least bit regretful about it. instead, she pushed herself up and started to walk again as if her petite legs could really carry her farther and faster than oaklynn’s gazelle like stride. ‘ you’re sick of me, right? so why the fuck are you even here. this is the most i’ve seen you in MONTHS. and it’s the least i’ve ever wanted to see your stupid lying face in my life. my mom was fucking right. ’ her sense of right and wrong was waning and her point was quickly derailing, her mouth doing that thing once more where it refused to listen to her mind and words just spat like venom from her lips. ‘ i can’t believe i let your fucking lie to me this long. i can’t believe i was so stupid. you made me think i was gay. you made me lose everyone i’ve ever cared about. all you’ve done is get me alone and ruin my life and now you just want to fucking leave me? just fucking leave me then. leave me out here. you have your clean conscience. ’

mimicking a lost puppy, oaklynn trailed behind beatriz, effortlessly catching the jacket before it fell to the ground and doing her best to keep the umbrella hovered over the other. lips pressed into a tight line, internalizing every malicious word thrown her way. she hopelessly stared at the back of her girlfriend’s head, defeat etched into her features as a new wave of tears began to spill from her brims. there was no use in arguing, the damage now irreparable. all she could do was simply let the words destroy what was left of her pride and hope. gaze averted, unable to stomach even looking at her, desperately wishing to turn back the hands of time to prevent the damage, prevent herself from signing her name away to the army if it meant losing someone she loved dearly. the soldier was stubborn, righteously so, hell bent on waiting for the final nail on the coffin to accept her fate. she was the best soldier, she was the strongest soldier, but there was something about beatriz, the power she had in stripping back the calloused parts of her personality that made her feel VULNERABLE. that bewitching power originally attracted oaklynn, wanting nothing more than to be around her. even now, as she was tearing her apart, she simply allowed it, surrendering to each and every statement, true or not because she was EXHAUSTED and admitted her defeat. the grip she on the umbrella’s handle tightened considerably at the mention of beatriz’s mother, someone she was never a big fan of. her anger flared up once more, honey brown eyes darkened as she continued on with the rant. oaklynn then asked herself a question that was never asked about before as she never felt the need to ask. did she really love me ? does she still love me? free hand grabbed onto beatriz’s arm, spinning her around, their gaze finally connecting, her thoughts immediately went back to that polaroid she found earlier while rushing to pack her belongings. ‘ i have never lied to you. i have loved you through everything and i doubt i will ever love anyone else. you don’t get to say that i brainwashed you and forced you to cut off everyone in your life. i always gave you an out when you were trying to come out to them. don’t come at me sideways saying that i MANIPULATED you to be with me. ’ she spat, the muscles running her jaw tightening. there was a lot to blame, on both their parts, but she was tired of these emotion fueled accusations. a heavy breath exhaled, her frame began to shiver as her body finally cooled down and a gust of wind blew past them. ‘ did you love me ? ’

#( &&. OAKLYNN SWANSON feat. BEATRIZ MERCADO .#yambcrghini‌

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takaraphoenix · 5 years ago

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Luke Castellan, Loki, Severus Snape, Pitch Black, Sebastian Morgenstern.

Thaaat is a very interesting lineup and it legit took me a moment to see the common element there. In my defense, it’s late. xD” Thanks for playing! ^o^

Now... what do I rank them by? Judged as characters and how much I like them, or judged as villains...? *frowns*

To quote my favorite should-be-gay cartoon boys: Both. Both is good.

Ranked as characters and how much I like them as characters:

Loki Friggason. A dramatic little bitch. Delightful

Sebastian Morgenstern. Important to note that you said Sebastian because, show-wise, I really do think that Sebastian and Jonathan have VASTLY different... portrayals. And I REALLY loved Sebastian as a character. He had a lot of potential

Luke Castellan. Very tragic. Less child-murder would have endeared him more to me though

Pitch Black. Also very tragic. Amazing character design and delightful take on nightmares

Severus Snape. Little bitch. Not the delightful endearing kind like Loki though; just a weak-ass little bitch who shouldn’t be allowed near children

Nooow as villains/wanna-be-villains/really-villains-who-get-retconned-out-of-villainhood:

Sebastian Morgenstern. Two sides of the same coin, clever, vicious, clear motivation. I think that the complexity of his motivation is played down too much; like the shit and abuse and isolation he went through sure shaped him and should be taken into consideration more (not as an excuse but as a reason, a foundation on which his acts are built)

Loki Friggason. Depending on the adaptation, got delightful clever plans. Backstabbing betrayal always fuels wonderful angst. Clear motivation and goal. Dramatic color-scheme and get-up. All the gay vibes, which, very important for a villain to be queercoded, naturally; Disney taught us that

Pitch Black. Archetype villain but refreshing in this setting. Beautiful show-downs with the hero. Delightful play on the powers between him and Sandy, opposites of the same side. Tried to recruit main character onto his side in a very classic spiel

Luke Castellan. VERY solid motivation, legitimately totally dug the whole spiel, but major point-reduction for genuinely thinking that turning to Kronos of all people would be a good idea. Obviously is that bitch going to use you for his own gain, you moron. Would have preferred for him to go villain without involving the Titans and just straight up taking over Olympus because those bitches really have it coming. Also the repeated attempted child murder; super not cool

Severus Snape. Little bitch. Buhu I was bullied as a child so now I am an abusive adult who enacts revenge by playing out power fantasies over children even though I am their teacher. What a will-they-won’t-they situation but in the sense of “so is he evil? is he not evil?” and it got tired real quick. Still can’t believe the author thought that “but he was IN LOVE with Harry’s mom and BULLIED by Harry’s dad” is a legit justification how this adult person acted toward the kids. What the fuck

Send me five things (whatever you’d like!) and I’ll rank them!

#Anti Severus Snape #I feel like I ranted a bit too hard on that one #so let's tag it just to be sure #but man I hate that little bitch #Ranking Game #send me asks #Villains #Anonymous

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actual-ongoing-dumpster-fire · 4 years ago

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The LGBTQ+ Community - Why I have the labels but don’t feel like I fit in at the same time

Maybe it’s my general identity issues, maybe it’s my bisexuality and refusal to “pick a side,” maybe it’s my “snowflake syndrome,” maybe it’s my lack of a cohesive personality but despite knowing without a doubt that I’m bisexual and pansexual I don’t really feel accepted, visible or a part of the LGBTQ+ community sometimes.

I remember when I stopped compartmentalizing my not-heterosexual orientation and started quietly coming out selectively to people as bisexual outside of my family at around 16 or 17 (I wouldn’t come out to them until I was 18), I was told by a few people either I was gay or straight, I had to pick a side, I was confused or experimenting, I was really this orientation or that, I wasn’t bisexual. Mind you, this was from both cishets and another who was at the time a lesbian (and projecting their own stuff because now he’s transitioned, a man and married to man? I don’t know either). This wasn’t exactly super super long ago, either. This was in 2012/2013. You can say that I’ve been around the block with dealing with other people’s biphobia and bi erasure in AND out of the community.

My ex girlfriend didn’t really seem to be okay with my sexuality either. She’s a lesbian and she did NOT like the part of my sexuality that was attracted to men - she’s even asked me if I would stop being attracted to guys for her (to change my sexuality just like that). Now mind you, that relationship was toxic in many other ways and that was just the tip of the iceberg. But needless to say I couldn’t make any mention of my attraction to any guys at all because she was dealing with her own unprocessed trauma and thought every male is an evil rapist not to be trusted. Yes, male privilege is a thing and I’m very weary of cishet males myself, but I can’t just change my sexual orientation just like that.

A lot of non-bi people label me depending on who I’m dating at the moment. I’m dating a girl? They first assume I’m a lesbian. I’m dating a guy? Then I’m straight. That’s not how bisexuality works. That label does not disappear if I’m dating one person. Now I’m not monogamous any more, but that’s what I dealt with before this. Am I out to cheat on someone? No, I’m ethically nonmonogamous. Do I want threesomes and orgies all the time? No, sometimes I just want to have sex with one person, other times more than one, thank you very much. Am I ever “going to pick a side” or will I continue to be “greedy”?

A lot of cishet men see my bisexuality as a way to gratify them sexually - I talk to any cishet man on a dating app (now I filter them all out because I’m tired with a capital T) and their reaction is that it’s “hot” and then they probably formulate a plan to get into an MFF threesome with them, I’m inundated with unicorn hunters looking for a single bisexual female just to, again, sexually gratify and please the straight guy of the couple. It’s not super uncommon for the lesbians and the bi females to see bi girls that have had sex with a guy before as “tainted” and “dirty”. I’m sure there’s plenty of stories of bi poly girls who aren’t allowed to sleep with guys in their polyamorous relationships because I’ve seen on social media a few experiences about rules I wouldn’t jive well with personally.

I deal with other pansexual people defining bisexuality as only being attracted to both gender conforming cis females and cis females, that pansexual people are into “hearts, not parts,” basically defining pansexuality as “woke” bisexuality, and as someone with both of these labels, both of those definitions are fucking wrong. Bisexual does not mean sexually attracted to males and females, it means attracted to both your gender and other genders not your own gender, this can include trans people and it can include nonbinary people, pansexual means attracted to all genders. It infuriates me so much seeing gatekeeping pansexuals who try and define the bisexual label in a vilifying way and use pansexuality to be “woke” or to virtue signal, and think that all bisexuals are transphobic and enforce a gender binary.

I was traumatized by all kinds of people - straight, gay, and yes, bisexual. My rapist is bisexual. Yes, I’m working on processing it all, I’m in therapy, don’t suggest I go to therapy when I’m already in therapy, but to be traumatized by people in and out of the community, it’s really hard to feel like I have a safe space or I belong anywhere.

I view gender as a social construct, that the gender binary and gender norms are silly, I’m an intersectional feminist, but at the same time I’m a cisfemale and I feel like my parts fit my gender, I’m very gender conforming, I feel like I’m a woman and I generally like more feminine things, as absurd I believe it is that things have to be categorized in socially invented labels like “masculine” and “feminine.” I’ve never dealt with gender dysphoria, the most dysphoric I’ve felt about my body is that it actually doesn’t look feminine enough to me (I have PCOS) and if I woke up with or was born with a penis I would be very unhappy and prefer a vagina. I would be very upset to be mistaken for a he or a guy, I like makeup and girlier clothes (although I don’t wear skirts because the tight pencil-like or tight mini-skirts I like over more flowy and loose skirts I don’t like how they look on my body because I hate my stomach and would prefer to hide it at all costs and you can’t hide that if you’re wearing a tighter skirt, ya feel me?) The most “masculine” things I like would be video games, since that’s apparently a categorized thing for whatever fucking reason, and wearing jeans and hoodies sometimes, or tech-y stuff (again, why is that categorized as a masculine thing it’s just a field of study).

I think the “I’m not like the other girls” rhetoric some girls into traditionally-viewed-as-masculine things and putting down other women who are into traditionally feminine stuff as a silly and unneeded rhetoric that just fuels the patriarchy. I think that men expecting women to be nice and quiet and meek and submissive and there only to comfort them when their fweefwees are getting to much and they want to vent away and have women lend them an ear is stupid and I resent that expectation being placed upon me more often than not. I don’t ever see myself as being the awesome housewife and wonderful mother. I don’t see myself ever wanting to be married in a traditional marriage where I stay at home, my partner works and brings in all the money, and I do all the cooking and housekeeping, even if I don’t mind cooking and housekeeping stuff (for myself, for taking care of myself).

I’m a cisfemale and very gender conforming, but the gender norms and the gender binary are, I agree, very stupid and constricting and oppressive. And I’m going to be the asshole calling out gay male and lesbian culture. They say that they’re not about traditional gender norms, but they’re just enforcing it in a different way with using labels like “twink” and “bear” or “butch” and “femme.” The twinks together with the bear and the butch together with the femme, with one being the more dominant one and “wearing the pants” in the relationship is enforcing and conforming to gender norms but in a different way, I’m sorry to tell you.

Needless to say, there’s plenty behind why I view the LGBTQ+ community as something I don’t feel like I fit in or have a place or space for. It’s always felt like something I’ve always wanted to be a part of, that I’ve always admired from afar, even though that shouldn’t be the case because I have the labels, I am not heterosexual. But with all the gatekeeping running rampant inside and out, by both the gays and the straights, it’s pretty hard not to feel invisible and unwanted, invalidated and erased, like there’s no home for me. I don’t fit the right boxes to be a straight or a gay, according to most people, and it’s really isolating to be denied a place in “your” community because that same community who is all about fighting against the majority oppressors in power actually has their own set of norms and majority opinions and tends to cast out other oppressed people that should be accepted in the community but because they don’t blindlessly follow some arbitrary and problematic opinions they’re now cast out.

I’m bi, I’m a gender conforming woman, deal with it?

#bi erasure #biphobia #my experiences with biphobia #cptsd #lgbtq stuff #being lgbtq #my queer experience #queer #queer struggles #being queer #lgbtq #lgbtq community #bi culture #bisexual #bisexuality #bi #pansexual #pan

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gifsbysimplysonia · 4 years ago

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This is the most difficult thing I have had to write since joining Stonewall a decade ago. And not because I lack the words. And not because I’m tired—and I am tired.

No, this is challenging because e-comms are supposed to be concise. Easy to digest. Because attention spans are short. Especially when it comes to Black suffering. This is challenging because even nonprofit culture, informed by doctrines of capitalism and white supremacy, expects good leaders to set themselves aside, to offer an objective yet discernably human voice when representing an organization. To become a vague “we.” To strengthen the brand. And to sell that brand—to win and retain support—a leader must have wide appeal. Which I have found is usually code for white appeal.

But today, I have too much to say. And it might be winding and complex, hard to swallow. What does solidarity even mean when the fight is for me? I cannot set myself aside. Today, true to Pride, I choose my truth, not appeal.

This is my protest.

In 2015, a white donor sent me an email that I will never forget. Or delete. They had been invited to a discussion forum we organized on the topic of anti-LGBTQ police violence and had a few ruminations for me, as they put it. After assuring me that the NYPD was not our enemy, they went on to say: “I'm concerned that, as you change the face of Stonewall, it doesn’t become an anti-establishment fringe organization, which may alienate the mostly white gays and lesbians who are the backbone of financial support.” Message received: “You’re Black. And this thing you’re doing has you dangerously close to being too... Black. And if you’re too Black, you might lose white people and Stonewall will collapse.”

Now, as it stands, Stonewall’s ethos of thoughtfully centering the most vulnerable in our community and the issues causing the greatest harm has not positioned us as a fringe organization. And we have been able to count on our increasingly diverse supporter base to advance that work. Thirty years in, our mission is more focused than ever, and we have been quite successful in our efforts to bring along as many people as possible, including the donor who sent that email. Following a long exchange, I convinced them to come to the forum and, as a result, they were inspired to begin a journey of self-education. Eventually, they even came around on the subject, recognizing and readily denouncing abuses by state actors. So why have I kept their original email? Well, it’s a powerful case study in transformation. But it’s also a poignant reminder that as a Black person, and as a Black leader, challenging anti-Blackness will always be part of my job description, whether written or not.

So, here I am.

I feel indescribable pain seeing their names, from George Stinney, Jr. to George Floyd, Ahmaud to Tony, Marsha to Breonna. Black lives taken. Amid constant reminders to vote, I feel pain seeing Black people casually expected to respect and have faith in systems that predate our access to formal political power in this country. I feel pain seeing cities I love and have lived in burn, knowing that not even their ashes can raise our dead. I feel pain seeing millions of Black people in pain. Elders, children, family, friends, and total strangers, all seeing themselves hanging from the same damned tree. I feel pain seeing our outcry at having knees on our necks immediately become heady debate about theories of change. Where is that expertise when we are not in the streets pleading for our lives? Imagine the mountains we could move if all that intellectual capital were used to preserve life, our most valuable possession.

This pain I feel is old pain, born before my body. Deep, generational pain, revisited again and again and again. It came to me when I read that email in 2015, warning me to mind the brand. I felt it in that café in 2013 as a well-to-do, well-intentioned gay white man, just as I was set to take the helm here, told me not to use the words “racial justice” when describing my vision for Stonewall. I have felt it for the past 2,467 days working in LGBTQ philanthropy, where Black-led fights for healthcare, housing, and freedom itself still go underfunded, despite missions, like ours, to change that. This pain is connected because the problems are connected.

But make no mistake, this pain is also a teacher.

This pain has taught me to use the words we, they, and all with precision when talking about injustice.

This pain has taught me that protest is always about bearing witness and only sometimes about winning.

This pain has taught me that there is absolutely nothing peaceful about bearing witness to systematic violence and murder. If you have done it, then you know; any peace surrounding such protest, does not belong to the protestor.

This pain has taught me that, often, when we say “peaceful” we mean something else entirely. Calm. Composed. Compliant. Conforming. Constructive. But “peaceful” is the default for a reason.

This pain has taught me that growing hurts, discomfort and pain are not the same, and systems do not change without disruption.

This pain has taught me that healing is the only thing that exists outside of the binary of destruction or creation.

To be Black in this country is to be close to pain. To be Black and conscious in this country is to know the lessons of that pain. To know that people will step on my back to reach their higher selves. But also to know that my back is strong. Strong enough to carry collective dreams forward. Black leadership matters not only because Black lives matter, but also because Black leadership is itself a triumph. An undoing. An overcoming. A unique alchemy, turning pain into power. Black leadership moves us closer to solutions.

At Stonewall, we embrace philanthropy as a way to fuel those solutions. Likewise, we embrace philanthropy as love in action. We believe that if you love Black people, then you show it. Trust Black women. Honor Black trans leadership. Speak and act against violence against Black trans people. Fall back and let Black people lead. Invest in Black-led organizations and campaigns and ideas, even if they take aim at you. Fund racial justice. Keep funding it. Center it. Learn the difference between justice, accountability, and punishment. Learn to identify and interrupt microaggressions. Acknowledge your own anti-Blackness. Uproot it and then scorch the earth.

So, here we are.

This is the beginning, hopefully. Where we end with Black Power, and where I say our names:

Ms. Major. Tanya. Kiara. Gabriel. Sasha. Olympia. Tourmaline. LaLa. Maxwell. Kimberly. Tiq. Ola. Elle. Sean. Raquel. Ceyenne. Alisha. Achebe. Naa. Ana. Beverly. Mustafa. Maura. Cleopatra. Kim. Robert. Mandy. Andrea. Clarence. Imani. Kierra. Rashad. Kenyon. Cara. Jose. Yoruba. Glenn. Will. Andre. Zakiya. Geoffrey. Roz. Antoine. Ejeris. Amber. Cardozie. Julian. Titi. Christian. Isaac. Cymone. Yvette. Derek. Nevin. Maryse. And on and on and on.

May the list go on until peace is ours.

Jarrett Lucas Executive Director

#BLM #activism #racism #lgbtq #lgbt pride #transgender visibility #trans rights

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overthere-in-neverland · 5 years ago

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Hey i was wondering if you could do one where the readers band is on tour with all time low and at night she sings herself to sleep and jack listens to her and starts developing a crush on her? You can change it up a bit so it doesn’t suck but thanks :)

AN Hey guys! Sorry it’s been three years since I’ve posted lmao. I think I’m slowly coming back to these. For one thing I’m at my job, and I work graveyard so I’m bored as hell. For another, I really miss creative writing. I’ll update you on my life if you want next time I visit this, but other than that, hello! I won’t be updating the halloween imagines for the time being, especially since I’m trying to come back to this. I know I had one (1) request to update the side blog fanfics I had going on, but as for now, I’m going to try to do it one at a time. @ my motivation? Where r u (and im so sorry i cannot sleep i cannot dream tonighttttt) Anyways! Also I just realized that it was Creeper who were atl’s opening band on the european mainland tour for lyr and now im emo all over again. The text conversation is in the story already, I just felt the need to make it for you lol

Your POV

I knew we were going on tour with All Time Low. Our manager knew we were going on tour with All Time Low. My bandmates knew we were going on tour with All Time Low. We all were well aware, and now the fans were too. But holy shit, is it surreal. Starting from nothing, playing a max of ten people, then going to 1,000 cap rooms, oh my god is it fucking incredible. Not to mention All Time Low have been my heroes for as long as I can remember.

I’m in a pop punk band, and I play the bass. I’m not quite a singer, but I can do back up. I have three other bandmates. One sings, her name is Maria, one plays guitar, that’s Drew. And we have Allison on drums. Altogether we’re pretty badass.

I had heard in the industry that Jack was a bit of a flirt. Having Drew in our band, we didn’t think much of it. Granted, Maria was engaged, and Allison’s gay, so it’s not like either of them were available. But I knew of Jack’s wiles, so I knew to stay on my toes. We were touring in Europe around the mainland for Last young Renegade, All Time Low’s new album, and it was my band’s first time being in Europe, so we were stoked. We were up at like 8 am, exploring around the city. Though trying to fall asleep is critical, especially jet-lagged. I don’t know about most things, but what I do know is anytime I go anywhere, even if it’s in the same time zone, I’m always jet-lagged. Maybe I’m just always tired?

So we arrived in Copenhagen, Denmark, the first stop on our European tour, and we meet the guys at their bus, and I’m a little star struck. Alex Gaskarth and his iconic hair. I’m not saying I’m in the fandom, but Alex’s brown hair is nothing short of iconic. Especially when it’s longer. Huge throwback to Timebomb era, and hooo boy. That was an era to be alive. Alex was wiping down the table in his bus, muttering about these “good for nothing men, who can’t even pick up after themselves.” Jack is behind him opening the fridge, then opening the cupboards, then opening the fridge, then opening the pantry, I smiled a bit at that. Zack and Rian weren’t anywhere to be found, at least from what I could see, staring down the bus’s hallway. We were to be dragging behind them in our small little van pulling a trailer. Drew coughed, and Alex looked up. “Guys!” he smiled, throwing away his wipe. “You’re here!”

Jack looked over from his rampant searching of food and smiled at us as well. I felt my face grow hot, but tried to brush it off like I was alright. I kicked my other food and looked down at the ground to try and forget I existed for a bit. I noticed Maria smiling at me, probably knowing exactly what was going on. She knew that Jack has always been a celebrity crush of mine since 2008. “What’s up,” he said to us, nodding in our direction.

“We’re in GutterPunk,” Drew responded, usually taking initiative. “Nice to meet you guys. We’ll be on tour with you throughout the mainland.”

“Sweet!” Alex smiled, and came over to us, probably intending to shake our hands. “What’ll you be riding around?”

“We kind of don’t really know yet? We have to go pick up the rental van and trailer soon. We just wanted to meet you guys.”

“Well I’m Alex,” he said gesturing to himself. “And that fiend over there is Jack.” Jack paused from his cupboard raid and waved, then went back to it. “Hope to enjoy your guys’ music and energy out there.”

“Stoked, dude.” Drew shook his hand, and turned to walk away, out of the bus. We were all standing in his way. So he had nowhere to go.

“I’ve been a fan since middle school!” Allison told him, also shaking his hand. “Y/N and I have always dreamed of touring with you guys. It’s been a dream, really. You’re a huge inspiration! At least half of it. Tre Cool has always been my biggest, but don’t sweat it. He’s a fucking god on drums.”

“Here here!” came a voice in the back.

“That’s Rian,” Alex chuckled. “He always makes himself known at any mention of Green Day.”

I thought I had seen Jack peak over at us when Allison mentioned my name, but then again, it was all happening so fast, I didn’t have any idea as to what was going on. I tucked my hair behind my ears and introduced myself to Alex. We talked a bit before we had to go to the rental agency and get our modes of transportation. It was to be about a month in the van with these guys, tightly packed. Thank god we weren’t a ska band.

After a couple days on tour in Europe, I was getting my bearings. I started to get a feel of how it would be like throughout the month. It was a show every night for a couple days, then we’d have one or two days off. Our van broke down the fifth day, and we were ready to call it quits, me being on the verge of tears, and Allison kicking the wheel of our shitty van rental. Alex graciously offered to let us stay in their bus, but we all refused, trying desperately to figure out another way to travel. He insisted.

“Are you sure this is okay?” Maria asked him as we gathered our stuff in their bus

“Oh, it’s fine!” Alex waved us off. “You’ll just stay with us. It’s not fair that we get this huge ass bus for four of us and you guys all have to share that tiny van. Make sure you get your money back though, because that’s bullshit. Jesus Christ, man. I told Fueled that we should’ve just shared a tour bus but they’re all about ‘separating bands’ or whatever. Why we ever signed to this record label I’ll never know.”

“It was your idea,” Zack chimed in. We all laughed. “Well it was! After going to Hopeless, twice, Alex wanted to branch out. Which we all agreed to anyway. It was funny though, because he complained about it every chance he got.”

“I’m well aware of that. But Fueled by Ramen seems to forget that we were once small too! Power to the little people!”

We all laughed again and gathered in their bus to prepare for the next night which was to be a day off. I was nervous, because this meant that Jack would be just down the hall, if you can even call it that, from me. It reached 1 am that night after the show, and we had all gathered in our beds to try and sleep so we could get out and do fun things around France.

I always used to sing myself to sleep to calm my nerves, and after about an hour of tossing and turning, it seemed like that was my only option if I wanted to sleep. I started off by humming softly, in case I would wake anyone up. After about ten minutes of that, and no sounds of stirs happened, I sang quietly. First was Lullabies, which is my go to song to sing when I need to sleep. Something about the line “Sing me to sleep, I’ll see you in my dreams” makes me feel at peace. After I finished with that, I heard the quiet patter of feet. I stopped for a bit, to wait to see if it came again, and when it didn’t I started again. Snuff by Slipknot is another one that calms me down, and I sang that, but right at the bridge I heard the patter again. I drew back the curtain, and saw Jack standing there. He looked scared to see me notice him, and promptly turned back towards his bed, and didn’t look back at me.

I frowned but pulled the covers up. I guess he doesn’t actually want to get to know me. I closed my eyes to try for the.. Was it the fourth time? Third time? I lost count. But I tried once more to sleep. Then I heard the pang next to me of a text message.

I promise I wasn’t trying to listen to you sing.

It was from Jack. We had all exchanged numbers at the beginning of the tour. My thumbs danced over my screen as I thought of what to say.

Don’t worry about it

I just heard it and then i couldn’t stop

It’s fine, jack. Really

Your voice is really pretty tho Can we talk tomorrow? I have something I need to tell you

What could he possibly need to tell me? I was freaking out. And now I can’t sleep even more. Fuck. This was going to be a long night.

I mean I’m awake right now

I can’t really say it right now

Well, what the fuck does that mean? I sigh and then turn around and face the wall. The bus was moving, but I felt like my stomach was moving ten thousand times faster. Him talking to me like this is the first real conversation he’s had with me. Most of the time he avoids me. Whatever it is, I guess I can wait. I prepared for a long sleepless night after that.

When I woke up, everyone was bustling about, getting ready for the day off. “Jack! Y/N!” Rian called down to us. I guess neither of us had gotten up. “We’re going out to breakfast!”

I moaned in recognition, and heard nothing from Jack, so I assumed he had gone with them. I threw my covers off and went straight to the bathroom. When I got out, I saw a tall lanky man with bed head staring at me.

“Uh. Hello.” I said stupidly.

“Hey, uh. About last night.”

“It’s fine if you don’t want to say anything. I get it. I’m a backup singer for a reason.”

“No that’s not it! Um.” He stopped talking to look down at his feet. “Look. I know this is weird. Especially since I hardly know you. But, I’ve actually been following your band for a while. And dude, you’re like insanely hot. And then I find out you’re a good person too? Last night, hearing your singing it made me realize.. Fuck, this is so stupid. It made me realize I’m in love with you.” With the last uttering of those words, he looked up at me. “Sorry.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I raised my eyebrows, completely awestruck. Jack Barakat, the celebrity crush of my teen years was telling me he was in love with me? When it looked like he in fact, was not kidding, I immediately blushed and looked away. “Dude. I’ve been in love with you since I was like 14.”

A smile lit up his face as he started talking really fast, rambling. “Oh my god! Really? Holy shit okay, so like we can go get breakfast with the others, or we can go get breakfast by ourselves, we could walk down the Seine, we are in France after all. Holy fu-”

I started laughing, but grabbed his hand with mine, since he was waving it all around. “Slow down there, I can barely keep up. Let’s go get breakfast first, and talk this out. You’ve basically been avoiding me since I got here.”

“Well yeah, I didn’t really know how to strike up a conversation.”

I chuckled. “This is weird, huh?”

“So weird.” He nodded in agreement. I realized I was still holding his hand, but I didn’t let go. Instead we walked off the bus, headed towards the cafe for breakfast. My heart was in my throat but this felt right. After the initial break of the ice, he wouldn’t shut up, but I loved hearing his voice. He could talk for hours on end if he really wanted to.

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