#I am posting this at 5 AM right after sobering up because I know I will not post it any other time. Sorry for eventual morning self reblog.

[mostautisticsinner]

Finally posting these. Once more, I did draw these immediately after the teaser came out, yes,

[jsbluu]

left on seen - chapter 1: party time!

left on seen masterlist ➨ next

➨ a/n: first chapter done! i'm sososo excited to write the rest of this, you guys have no idea. ik this was kinda long but i have So much to say, i am so freaking excited >_< please bare with me while i figure out my posting schedule, but in the meantime feel free to check out my other fics on my page! thank you for reading and let me know if you want to join the taglist :>

taglist: @ldh0000 @bococostree

you enter the kitchen and find liz and ningning talking to gaon. you walk up to them, still holding onto the now flat cup of beer you had when you first got there. “is that your only drink you’ve had tonight?” ningning asks confused. you nod and try to defend yourself, “i don’t like the taste of beer!”. “y/n you’re literally playing beer pong right now.. how do you not like beer?” gaon asks. “okay just because y/n doesn’t like beer doesn’t mean she can’t be good at beer pong” liz defends. you smile and gently nod at her, silently thanking her. gaon shrugs his shoulders and turns around, facing the table that the beer cups are on.

chenle walks into the room, silently looking around to make sure there’s enough people to play. he smiles and grabs a basket of ping pong balls and holds it out for everyone to grab one. you giggle to yourself when you see liz blush as she grabs one, grabbing one for you too. “alright, who wants to go first?” chenle asks. 

after a long 5 minute wait for an uber, you all gathered into the backseat and fought for your life on the way back to the apartment. it took everything in you not to spill all that you drank today, and you thank god you didn’t.

the car arrives at your dorm and you thank the driver before getting help from gaon out the car. him and liz help you and ningning into the elevator, slumped over their shoulders. you rest your head on gaon’s shoulder and sigh loudly, “i wish jisung was there”  you slur. “why? it’s not like you talk to him anyway” he retorts. “but you never know!” you say, shooting a finger up into the air rhetorically. gaon giggles and shakes his head at your behavior before helping you out the elevator.

you all walk into your apartment and immediately slump yourself onto the couch, the cool air calming you down. “here” liz hands you and ningning cold water bottles and 2 ibuprofen’s for the headache that’ll come later. you feel yourself become slightly emotional at the way she took care of you, “thank you liz..” you say tearing up. she rolls her eyes and sits down next to you, patting your back gently. “oh boy, don’t cry please? it’s just water..”. you hiccup and drink the water, trying to sober yourself up as much as possible. 

© jsbluu | please do not copy, reupload, or translate my work.

[b4tracha]

Dressing Rooms (S.CB x M! Reader)

Dom! Seo Changbin x Sub!Male! Reader

 (Reader will have a penis in this. I hope everyone enjoys and I am sorry for not posting as often. Exams will be over the first full week of December so I will be posting more afterward <3)

You have been an employee of JYP Entertainment for the past year, and it was almost unbelievable how kind everyone is. When you first got into the industry, people would warn you about how the people in different companies would treat staff. However, none of your higher-ups or idols made you feel that way.

Your first group was Itzy, but they decided to switch you to Stray Kids for 5-star and Rock-Star. The members treated you almost like another member in the short time you have known each other. You were also a young man, a mere 00 liner, and trying to work in hard environments. 

Since you met the group, they would invite you out and you got especially close to a certain member. Changbin, for once, was taller than someone and he would tease you while making sure you were fine with it. He would cuddle and flirt with you no matter how bashful you got. Honestly, he got worse when you more embarrassed.

Somewhere in September, you both started to hook up. While drunk, he confessed that he realize he liked men a while ago, but was never had the chance to hook up with one. You suggested, just as drunk, that maybe you didn’t mind hooking up with him. It didn’t happen then but once you both were sober, you guys finally became friends with benefits.

You couldn’t hook up as often, but when it did happen..

He always blew your mind.

“Y/N~” A voice whined behind you. It would be Changbin who messed up his outfit about twenty minutes before they went on. 

 You were trying to make sure their outfits were put on correctly and wouldn’t fall apart on stage. That happened too often because of how energetic they are and you didn’t want it to happen again. You have already fixed Lee Know’s shirt at least twice. 

“Yes, hyung?” You turned from your small inspections, nearly running into Changbin. You both were nearly chest to chest with how close you were. “Oh, Binnie-hyung- Sorry, I didn’t know you were right behind me..” 

You pulled back and Changbin simply kept smiling at you, shrugging before going back to whining, “There’s something wrong with my pants~” You sighed and went to look before he grabbed your hand and whispered in your ear. “Needs to be in a private room. The noonas shouldn’t see this.” 

Of course.

You grabbed your supplies just in case there was a tear or something to patch up and guided the older man to an empty dressing room. He locked the door behind him just incase and you bent over and sat everything down and set everything in their right place.

Suddenly you felt a hand rubbing your ass. You were used to this from Lee Know, so you rolled your eyes and went about your work before you felt his hands grab your waist and brush something hard right on your ass. You froze, trying to figure out what was going on and slowly turned your head.

“Here..?” You whispered. He has always had a thing for trying to hook up in public places. There were time where you both would go out to eat and would suck him off in the bathroom, but it was never at work. Though, you were wearing a plug for later. Changbin suggested to go out after their pre-recording and you didn’t have time to go home, you fingered yourself open just incase he wanted to do something.

“Yeah.. I have too much adrenaline, prince.” You shivered. You loved when he called you that. His cock was only chubbing up more as he grinded against your clothed butt. “I need a release.”

He bent down across your back and whispered once again in your ear, “I can feel the plug inside of you anyways. How about you give Sir what you want?”

You whimpered, hands shaking at the thought. Your head was already spin and you were just being dry humped. “Okay..”

He chuckled and smacked your ass before pulling away. You both knew you didn’t have enough time to do anything special, so you simply unbuttoned your pants and pulled down your pants and boxers. Your small cock was starting to get hard as well as you spit and started to jerk yourself off slowly. 

“Good boy.” He hummed before smacking your ass. It wasn’t hard or that loud but the action made you moan. Changbin grabbed your ass aggressively before speading your cheeks apart and looking at the delight that he’s been thinking about almost all day. “Plug looks delicious in your hole, prince. You should wear them more often for me.”

“Yes sir.” The words slipped from your lips easily. It was always easy to submit to Changbin. The male teased your hole, pulling out the plug mid-way before pushing it back inside. You bit your lip aggressively trying not to be too loud. As much as it felt good, you didn’t want to lose your job. Your legs started to shake below you, but he just wrapped his strong arms around you and held you up to take the torture.

“You’re sucking it in like a little slut. You love having something in your hole all the time, hm?” He groaned at the sight. He licked his lips and finally pulled it out. Your ass clenched over nothing, wet and slick for something bigger to fill it. He guided you to a dresser and bent you over. You glanced up at the mirror infront of you, watching the tears in your eyes and hunger in Changbin’s right behind you. “Are you ready?”

“Yes Sir.. I’m ready for you to fuck me..” You whimpered and shook your hips in hopes he would hurry up and get inside of you already. He removed the hair from his eyes and pulled something from his pocket. He showed you in the mirror as if you should know what it was.

You turned and noticed it was lube. Fuck, you were so needy that you forgot you needed that. Even if you used extra earlier, you still needed more right now. He unzipped his pants and pulled them and his boxers down just at his thigh so he wouldn’t get anything on his pants. His cock was standing at attention, rock hard, red, angry and leaking. Changbin opened the bottle of lube and squirted the substance on his fingers before caressing it on his cock. 

You took your hands spread yourself apart to help the male behind you and whined at him through the mirror. “Please sir, I need your cock. Breed me?”

Changbin groaned at the words, eyes rolling back. He blinked back before adjust your position and pushing inside slowly. The stretch was slight painful, but it felt so good in a masochistic type of way. The older man sunk inside until his balls touched your thighs, all the way inside. “Fuck you’re tight, prince. Tell me when you’re ready.”

Your eyes were clouded with tears, shaking at the feeling of him splitting you open so good. You didn’t need time to adjust, you needed him to fuck you stupid. “Fuck me. Please, sir..” Your voice shook heavily as the spit in your mouth poured from your mouth down your chin.

 The man chuckled and grabbed your hips tightly to the point where you’re probably going to see bruises later and slowly pulled out almost all the way before slamming back inside.

You both moaned out in sync before he started up his rhythm. It was hard and rough, causing your body to jerk each time he pushed back inside. You could only whimper and whine with your teeth biting down into your lip in fear you would scream from the constant thrusts. From the start he was hitting your prostate one thrust after another. It usually took your other hookups a short bit to find yours, but from the first time Changbin found it almost immediately. 

“Shit.. you’re clenching all around me. You must want me to cum deep inside you, hm?” His words were like waves, moving in and out of your ears. You could barely understand what he was saying to you. Once you process the words, you immediately whined loudly and nodded quickly. You needed his cum so bad. You wanted it in your stomach so bad..

“Sir.. please..” You whispered hoarsely, hoping Changbin could understand what you were saying to him. Your stomach was starting to tighten hard to the point it almost hurt. You started to reach your peak already. It wasn’t a surprise, he usually pushed you past overstimulation until he would finally cum. It wasn’t uncommon where he would pull two or three orgasms from you before he came himself. “I’m so close.. I need to cum..”

“Already? Of course, that’s so pathetic.” He spit at you, knowing you loved the slight degradation whilst sneaking his hand under you to start jerking you off to help. “Luckily for you, I am close too. I’m going to cum too. Going to breed you, Y/N..”

“Please..” You begged, legs shaking and drooling down your chin and chest until it hit the dresser. He went quiet behind you, trying to focus on his thrusts and hurrying up. You both already took too long and you’d need time to clean up after this. You more than him, however. 

 He flicked his thumb over your sensitive tip during a certain hard thrust and you jerked under him, feeling that feeling in your stomach suddenly snap. A long, soft moan poured from your lips as you finally came. Your cum filled his hand as your ass clenched around his cock aggressively. The feeling of you squeezing him gave him just the right amount of pleasure to finally flood inside you. 

His hips snapped inside of you, cock letting stream after stream leak inside. Deep breaths filled the air from you both. It was hard to catch your breath when everything was still so hot. He grunted at the feeling of his softenign dick still being clenched around. He slowly pulled out and grabbed a cloth and soap that was near one of the sinks and wiped himself down as best as he could. He could hope he was decent enough to be let on stage.

Once he was situated with his pants up and stainless, he wiped you down as well. The plug slipped back inside of you once you were cleaned up enough. He whispered soft praises and kissed behind your ear or your back. Your eyes were unfocused with unshed tears still there. Your legs shook softly as you left your entire body weight on the dresser, letting him do what he needed. He always did well aftercare for you. 

Changbin fixed your clothes for you and laid you on the couch. Once your body hit the couch, the feeling of exhaustion rushed in. Your eyes had mini weights as you grabbed a throw pillow to use for your head. You needed a nap, he fucked you so good. 

“Hey prince, can you hear me?” You softly looked up at him and nodded with a little smile. “Good. I’m going to leave you here and say you got sick and need to stay away from everyone.”

“Okay..” You whispered and closed your eyes. You were already half asleep. The male above you smiled softly before moving away.. “I love you, hyung..”

His heart skipped a beat at the sleepy confession. “I love you too, prince.”

[peachhcs]

drunk words, sober thoughts | the wonder years

hughes!sister x will smith au (samy + will)

something in will pulls him to samy's when he's had a little too much to drink after a party

1.8k words

warnings: underage drinking, mentions of drinking and driving, lowkey mentions of hazing if you squint (nothing extreme i promise)

first i wanna say i in no way condone or support drinking and driving, especially underage so pls pls don't do that!! i am on a role though with these posts and wanted to write something for the wonder years since i haven't done that in awhile. this happens during will's first year of usntdp and it's like really subtle mentioning to him and samy liking each other

au masterlist

samy's eyes fluttered open when a rough vibrate shook her nightstand. the brunette blinked a few times trying to wake herself up when she finally realized her phone was going off. she reached around for the device, sleepily eyeing the lock screen and seeing she had two missed calls from will a minute ago. before she could even process why he was calling her at 1 in the morning, his name appeared again making her phone vibrate in her palms.

"will? it's like 1 in the morning," samy mumbled, still confused that he was calling her so late.

"yeah, hi. sorry, i know. i'm sorry," he spoke fast and his words jumbled together causing the girl to sit up more.

"are you okay?" she wondered, a bit of fear slipping into her system that there might be something wrong.

"yes, yeah. i'm fine. i just..i'm like..outside of your house right now and a little bit drunk."

it took samy a good 10 seconds to process his words before she jumped out of her bed to look out her window overlooking the driveway. she spotted her friend's blonde hair standing by the front door, slowly peering up and waving when he saw samy in the window.

"what the hell are you doing here? did you drive here?" the girl spotted his car parked on the side of the road below her driveway, heart dropping at the realization that he drove all the way to her house drunk.

"yes, but i didn't die. i promise, i'm fine and i was fine and the roads weren't even busy so it was fine," he repeated the word "fine" like 5 different times. samy scoffed, shaking her head slightly as she hurried downstairs to let him in before her parents woke up.

"you're such an idiot, will. you could've gotten seriously hurt or something," she scolded through the phone before pulling the door open. the blonde grinned when he saw her, but it faded immediately seeing her look of disapproval.

"well i'm here aren't i? i didn't get hurt," will stepped or more like half stumbled half shuffled into the house.

"but you could've. what are you even doing here? do your parents know? do gabe and ryan know?" samy pushed her million questions as she relocked the door and led will upstairs to her room.

"no and no. i, uh.. i don't really know what i'm doing here. i just got into my car and started driving," the blonde shrugged, nearly missing a step as he followed after his friend. she caught his arm before he fell.

"jesus, will. i can't believe you sometimes," samy shook her head.

the two made it into her room unharmed. she sat the boy onto her bed, grabbing her water bottle so he could start sobering himself up, "what am i supposed to tell my parents when they see your car here in the morning? what are you telling your parents?"

"just say i went for a late night drive and ended up here," the blonde couldn't seem to realize the consequences that would follow his actions if they didn't come up with a believable cover story.

"no one is gonna believe that for a second. why didn't you just drive home? at least that's closer than driving 30 minutes under the influence," the brunette crossed her arms, oblivious to the way will's gaze has been stuck on her since they walked into her room, but fair because she was seriously worried that he somehow made it to her house without getting into an accident or that he even decided to drive drunk in the first place.

"i told you, i don't know. was probably thinking about you and my mind and body led me here," the hockey player said it so casually that it caught samy off guard.

she finally noticed his staring, a red flush forming across her cheeks. "what's that supposed to mean?"

"i dunno," the way he kept saying he didn't know was also starting to piss the girl off.

a sigh escaped her lips while she rubbed her temples to think of a better plan so neither of them got into serious trouble in the morning. will also finally caught wind of the girl's stress, so he tugged at her wrist to make her sit down on the bed with him.

"okay, i'm sorry. i know it was a stupid idea. i'm not even that drunk though, i promise. i was only a bit buzzed by the time i started driving."

"will, you could've gotten seriously hurt though. what did our parents tell us about drinking and driving? if you really needed to leave, you should've called me or anyone," samy's voice softened out and so did the blonde's expression.

"i know, i'm sorry. really. i promise it won't happen again. i seriously wasn't thinking straight," he pushed a loose strand of samy's hair behind her ear, again making her flush turn into a blush.

"what are you doing?" she pulled back an inch making will pull his hand away, embarrassment coating his cheeks.

"nothing, sorry. sorry," he shook his head.

samy's phone started vibrating again before she could respond. she glanced at the screen, ryan's name flashing across it and she quickly answered. "hey?"

"hey, is will there? his location says he's there...gabe and i lost track of him at the party. one minute he was here and then the next he was gone," the brunette rambled a little.

"yeah, he's here, don't worry. what happened? he said he drove here drunk," samy stood up from the bed, watching will fall back into her pillows and mumble to himself.

"shit, he did? i-i don't even know, honestly. we got separated pretty quickly. the u18s took him as soon as got there," ryan explained and that surprised the girl.

"what do you mean took him?" she found a spot in the hallway outside of her room to talk away from will's ears.

"like as soon as we walked in, nazar and seamus were on him. they wanted to talk to him? get him a drink? something like that. we tried following but they kind of blocked us off..i don't know. we thought he'd be fine because ya know..he's kind of buddy buddy with the u18s now and then when we went to look for him they didn't know where he went and the next thing we knew he was at your house somehow," the more ryan explained the situation, the worse samy's frown got.

"so you think the u18s let him wander off like that? what the fuck?!" the youngest hughes wasn't pleased, especially since those u18s were friends with luke.

"yeah, i mean maybe? i don't know, samy. i'm glad he's okay though. do you want us to come get him?"

"i don't know what to do with his car though. we have to get his car back up there before my parents see it and start asking questions. plus, i don't want colleen and bill to get mad and find out either. they'd kill him if they knew he drank and drove," the two tried pondering their options and what would make the most sense. 

"we'd just need one more person to drive will's car back. gabe's kind of buzzed, so i don't know if that would be a good idea," ryan sighed. 

"wait, i may have someone, but i'm gonna have to call you back." 

the two hung up and samy went into her contacts to luke's. even though it was late, she knew he'd be awake still and it felt like he owed her after finding out his friends let will drive. it rang for good three times before her brother answered. 

"what do you want? it's late?" luke asked, slightly grumpy and annoyed he was getting a call from his sister at this hour. 

"i need a really huge favor." 

—

it was 2:30 by the time samy, luke, and will met up with ryan and gabe back in plymouth. will, now pretty much sober, was handed off to the boys who had apologetic looks on their faces. 

"sorry, again," ryan frowned. 

"it's not your fault. i'm just glad nothing bad happened to anyone," samy rubbed his arm and offered a warm, but tired smile. she glanced at will who was looking equally sorry. 

"i'll see you later, yeah?" 

the blonde nodded, "yeah, see you. have a good night." 

samy and luke climbed back into her car after waving to the three. they were silent for a moment as luke got them back on the road towards home. the girl was unsure if he was still pissed that he had to do this, so she decided on not saying anything. 

however, luke broke their silence first, "those fucking u18s are so stupid." he was shaking his head. 

"they do that shit every year to the u17s who are good enough to play up with them. i don't really get it. it's like some initiation or something," the boy continued when his sister didn't respond. 

"you mean they were like hazing will?" 

"i mean, i dunno, but yeah probably. some of the guys in my class when we were u18s did that to them last year. i didn't really know about it, but i heard some in passing," luke shrugged. 

"but why will? they know he knows you and those guys look up to you. i mean it all just keeps going back to quinn."

"i have no idea, samy. they're just stupid." 

"sorry i dragged you into this," the brunette frowned. 

"don't be. i'd rather make sure you all make it back safe instead of hearing that something happened. what did will say? he just came to the house?" luke wondered and samy shrugged. 

"i mean, yeah. something like he was thinking about me and he just must've came here on autopilot?" 

the look on luke's face was unreadable, but samy caught onto it. she grew confused, "what?" 

"he was thinking of you and came to you when he was drunk?" the older brunette said it outright so samy could hear how obvious that sounded. 

"yeah? so?" she really didn't get it.

"nothing, nothing. just..surprising is all," it was late. way too late, so luke wasn't gonna push it even though he definitely knew and saw the hidden feelings between his sister and friend. 

"what's that supposed to mean?" samy didn't get why her brother was being so cryptic all of the sudden. 

"nothing. it doesn't mean anything. what should i tell mom and dad when tomorrow morning when they realize i stayed the night?" 

"just say you were missing home and wanted to sleep in your own bed. they'll believe it," the youngest hughes snickered knowing their parents believed the things luke said way more than anything else. 

neither will nor samy talked about that night for awhile. luke never brought it up again either, so it wouldn't be for another whole year that samy would start realizing what exactly her brother and will's words meant and that the blonde made it to her house because he liked her a little too much. 

[frozenwolftemplar]

FrozenWing's 2024 Fanfic Overview

Saw @itsdappleagain and @mmaricarmen23 doing this and thought it'd be fun!

Words Written: 96,928 (full disclosure though: some of the fics I posted last year were written in 2023. But since a lot of the writing I did in 2024 never got posted, I think it all evens out)

Total Fanfics Posted: 20! And I hit a few milestones, like 70 fics published, then 80 (...holy smokes that many?!?)

Fandoms: Carmen Sandiego 2019 (of course), Tangled: the Series, and Frozen; nothing new there.

Events Participated In: Player Week, where I did 5 of the 7 prompts. I also managed a fic for the '12 Days of Christmas Challenge' and Writer's Month (a fic I wrote several years ago but it still counts; I did write something new but it didn't come together in time). I wrote a really cute Carmen sickfic for Sicktember, but I...uh...got stuck on the ending and never posted it. Whoops.

Fanfic I'm Proudest of: Fading Crimson! I still have no idea what compelled me to write that, but I'm so happy I did. It was hard to write; the emotions are intense and were hard to put into words, and getting the progression of events just right so the drama of the final act feels earned was hard, but the effort was well worth it. It stands apart in my mind from the rest of my fics and feels extra, extra special.

Other Fics I'm Proud of: Really everything I posted. But if I were to pick three:

--'Fading Crimson's' companion fic 'It Isn't Fair!'. It was challenging at times to write; Player's emotions were pretty complex, but I love how it turned out.

--'Waterloo, or Laundry Day,' simply because it makes me laugh.

--'Coincidences.' it's as fluffy and fun as 'Fading Crimson' is sobering and angsty, and I just feel happy reading it.

--Bonus: the two Olympic fics; I just had the best time watching the Paris games and am reminded of that every time I see them. 😊

2025 Projects: More fics set after 'Fading Crimson;' that fic unlocked ideas for a slew of follow-up ideas fics that I can't wait to share (hoping to get the first one out soon!). I also have a bunch of one-shots I started last year that I'd like to finish (like the Sicktember one), as well as a 5+1. I'm also looking forward to just finding some new ideas and exploring those.

Anything Else: 2025 will mark five years of me posting fic to Ao3! Not a huge anniversary, I know, but it marks the first time I really started sharing my writing (outside of, you know, school, but that's mostly APA formatted research and thus totally different). Considering just how much anxiety I had about taking that plunge (I legit considered deleting my account in a moment of "WHAT THE HECK DID I JUST DO?!?"), I'm pretty excited I made it this far.

There's several events I'm looking forward to: Player Week! (already planning some stuff!). There are some others I want to try and participate in, like Writer's Month (of course) and Sicktember. How much I participate in those is iffy; I'm changing academic tracks and aren't really sure how much time I'll have to write, and the Muse is fickle besides, but I at least want to make an effort.

Most of all though I'm looking forward to another year of writing with y'all! I love seeing everyone's ideas and fics and just sharing in the joys of creating fic. Here's to 2025! 🥂

[teaberrii]

Chapter 5: Secrets Between Us

You've been Cupid for as long as you can remember. You've brought countless soulmates together, yet you've never found love.

When you're assigned to bring two childhood friends back together, it should be simple until you unexpectedly catch feelings for the mysterious and cold Ph.D. student, Dan Heng, the man with a soulmate… the man with answers to your past.

Dan Heng/You

Notes:

Cross-posted on Ao3

Female reader

Chapter index at the end of chapter one

By the time you return to Xianzhou, it's already evening. Walking across campus, you can't stop thinking about what Himeko told you. Regardless, you've made up your mind. You aren't going to shy away, no matter what lies ahead. You've been searching for answers to your past for God knows how long; your efforts will be for nothing if you back out now.

You enter one of the science buildings, where you'll use the walkway on the second floor as a shortcut to the station. You're about to head to the elevator when you see Dan Heng sitting at one of the tables with his laptop open and papers beneath it. His hair looks more tousled than usual, and you can see his concentration starting to wane.

You come up behind him. Then, you lean forward and say, “It’s also important to take breaks.”

Dan Heng turns around, and you stand upright. “...What are you doing here?”

“...Had something I had to do." When you look at the empty seat across from him, he subtly nods for you to sit down. So, as you do, you ask, “Are you working on your research?”

Dan Heng closes his laptop. “...That’s right.” Should you ask if he remembers what happened that night you went for drinks? Then, as if reading your mind, he looks you in the eyes. “I didn’t forget about our conversation the other night.”

“Guess you weren’t as drunk as I thought.”

Then, a ghost of a smile graces his lips. “It’s still my turn.”

“...Fine.” You cross one leg over the other. Then, jokingly, “I guess I have time to humour you.”

“Oh? Is that what it is?” Dan Heng asks with a hint of sarcasm in his tone. “I thought you were making time since you approached me first.”

“I think I like you better when you’re drunk.”

A slight smirk tugs at his lips. “Yet, when I was, you said you liked me better than when I was sober.” He leans slightly forward. “So, which is it, Cupid?”

"Neither," you mutter. Though your face is slightly red, unbeknownst to you.

Dan Heng leans back. “...I’d like to know about the sparkle in your eyes. What is it, exactly?”

Well, Gepard knows, so you don't see why you should hide it from Dan Heng. 

"It's something that happens when I look into someone's desires." You're expecting a confused look, a question, or a sarcastic remark you're messing with him. But his slightly curious look doesn't change. "...I saw your desire to find a cure for The Withering the first day we met."

“...Assuming what you said is true, why did you do that? Look into my desires?”

"One question at a time." Dan Heng frowns slightly, which almost makes you chuckle. After a slight pause, you ask, "...What happened at the hospital?"

“...My professor told me they’ve admitted a patient diagnosed with The Withering. So, I went to see them as it would be good for my research.”

You’re expecting a little more, but when Dan Heng remains silent, you ask, "That's it?"

"Looks like you're just as impatient as I am."

“Fine.” You cross your arms. “Have it your way.” You catch that subtle smile, and you frown.

“My question is the same as before. Why are you interested in my desires?”

“...Because I had to know more about you.” When you see Dan Heng raise a brow, you quickly add, “It’s not what you think it is.”

“I’m not thinking anything.”

“Oh, really?” you deadpan.

Then, he smiles. “Your turn.”

“...Do you know this patient?”

Dan Heng exhales softly. “...I do. But, I can’t tell you who it is.”

It’s not like you really need to know who. At least this explains why he’s so down.

“It must be hard,” you say quietly. “...I’m sorry.”

“...It’s why I have to make progress. I know finding a cure is impossible at this stage. But, I have to narrow the gap.”

You think about telling him about what you can do. Will it help? You think back to when you granted a desire to save another person's life. While it happened, it didn't last long. That person eventually died by other means. Dan Heng will probably find a temporary cure if you grant his wish. But… will that really save that person in the long run?

“...Cupid.” You look up and see Dan Heng looking at you. “Something wrong?”

“It’s nothing.” Then, your tone turns flat. “Let me guess… are you going to ask why I had to know more about you?”

“Close enough. Why me and not Gepard or anyone else?”

“Because I’m here for a job.” Now, you exhale softly. “...But, I can’t tell you what it is.”

“...Only that it involves me?”

You nod. “Don’t worry. I’m not here to murder you.”

“I’d think if you were, you would’ve done so that night.”

“Weelll, I don’t know. Gepard told me you’re into Kendo.” You chuckle. “I might have to be careful of you.”

“...Are you into any sports?”

"I wouldn't call myself athletic, but… I'm not that bad, either. Who knows? Maybe I'll take up Kendo and kick your butt."

A slight smirk tugs at his lips. “I’d like to see you try.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Perhaps.”

“I hope you won’t regret it.”

“...Doesn't this mean you need a teacher?”

You blink once. Twice. Is he recommending someone? Or…

“I… suppose.” Then, jokingly, “Don’t tell me you’re helping the enemy.”

“...I can teach you.”

“Now I’m sure you’re out to sabotage me.”

Dan Heng crosses one leg over the other. “You admitted that you’re here because of a job that involves me. Who’s the one that should be nervous?”

“So, you’re planning on keeping an eye on me?”

You catch his small smile. “Make of it as you will.” Then, after a short pause, he asks, “...Do you have any more questions?”

It’s a stretch, but you thought you’d ask. “Do you know someone named Young?”

“No. Why?”

“...Just curious.”

“Is he someone you know?”

“...Good question,” you say quietly. “Anyway, don’t worry about it.” You take out your phone and glance at the time. “It’s getting late. Are you heading home?” When he stays silent, you frown. “Don’t tell me you’re going to stay overnight.”

“I guess Gepard’s been keeping you updated."

"...He's worried about you. When I talked to March the other day, she was also worried. And…" When Dan Heng looks you in the eyes, you look away. "...It is a little worrisome."

“Are you worried?”

“Gosh, I don’t know, Dan Heng. We’re friends, and you’ve been staying overnight at campus with… what? Just a laptop?”

“...I know of a comfortable place to sleep if that’s any reassurance.”

“You know what I mean,” you deadpan. Then, your tone relaxes. “I know you’ve been working on your research, but it’s important to take care of yourself, too.”

Then, your phone buzzes with a message.

Pom: DINNER IS READYY

And then there's a picture of a few dishes on the table… along with Pom, who has his arms spread out and looks proud of his work. Wait a minute. Who's the one taking the photo?

You see Dan Heng take out his phone. Then, he glances at you. “...Looks like Gepard’s with Pom.”

Your phone buzzes again.

Pom: Group dinner date! See if you can get Dan Heng to come over 😀

You show the message to him. “Are you really going to say no to Pom?”

Dan Heng looks at you. “...Guess I don’t have a choice.”

“Good. I don’t know how good his cooking is, so I need someone to potentially suffer with me.”

Dan Heng slips his laptop inside his bag. “Gepard isn’t enough?”

“You’d come looking for him if he went missing,” you joke as you and Dan Heng leave the school building.

“Right. The first person I’d come find is you.”

“Why me?”

“...I’d think I could get more out of you than Pom.”

“Well, that’s where you’re wrong.”

Dan Heng suddenly walks and stops in front of you. You almost bump into him, but then you slowly look up and see him staring at you. Then, he leans down to be on eye level with you.

“Am I?”

He's close enough that you notice a faint scar underneath his eye. But then, you meet his gaze, and you can't look away, and that's when you suddenly his eyes flash a sudden pale green…

“...You can’t be friends with their kind.”

You couldn’t see the person you were talking to, but from the deep voice, you assume it was a man.

“He’s not a bad person,” you said.

“He’s not a person,” the mysterious man spat. “He’s not one of us.”

“But—”

“...I’m doing this for your sake. If they catch you with him, they’ll kill him. Is that what you want?”

“...Hey.” Dan Heng’s calm but slightly worried voice pulls you back. You’re back to looking into his blue eyes. “...You're spacing out again.”

"Sorry. I—"

He puts a hand on your forehead, and your eyes widen slightly. "...You don't have a fever."

"I'm fine. Just fine."

Dan Heng watches you walk past him before following you toward the station. What is it about you that piques his interest? Well, there's the obvious: your mysterious job and the surprising revelation that you can see his desires. Does this mean you can peek into them at any time? Because if that's the case, maybe he needs to be more careful.

By the time you and Dan Heng arrive at the apartment, Pom and Gepard have already started eating. And, to your surprise, there haven’t been any casualties.

"It's really not that bad," Gepard says as you sit next to Pom, and Dan Heng sits across from you.

“Did you two bump into each other or…? How'd you end up at our place?" you ask Gepard.

"We don't have that kind of fate like you and Dan Heng," Pom jokes, and you give him a deadpan look. Before you got on the train, you'd told Pom that you met Dan Heng at campus and you're on your way back.

“Pom wasn’t sure if you’d make it in time for dinner,” Gepard says.

“Oh,” you say, looking at Pom. “You just didn’t want to be alone.”

“Well, I didn’t know if Himeko would keep you! Or if Nanook—”

Your cautious look instantly makes him stop. But you and Pom are already aware of Dan Heng and Gepard’s stares at you.

“Are they friends of yours?” Gepard asks.

You and Pom face forward, and you grab some vegetables for your plate. “Sort… of,” Pom says. Then, he clears his throat. “Nanook’s been chasing after her for ages.”

You almost choke on your water. “That’s not true.”

“Nanook… An interesting name,” Gepard says. Then, he chuckles. “This guy must really like you."

You frown. “Trust me. That’s not the case.”

“So, you aren’t seeing anyone then.”

Everyone turns to Dan Heng.

“...No,” you answer.

Then, Pom curiously looks at Gepard and Dan Heng. “What about you two, hm? You two grew up with March and Stelle, right?”

"Don't tell me you think something is going on?" Gepard asks.

“Well, both of them are so pretty!” Pom admits. “I only met them recently… but they’re also quite nice.”

“You met Stelle?”

So, Pom tells him about his chance to work as a security guard at Stelle's fan meet.

“We’re friends,” Dan Heng says. “That’s it.”

"...Here's a question," you say. "Do you believe in soulmates?"

"Why do you ask?" Gepard asks.

You shrug. "Just... something to talk about."

“Well, I don’t,” Gepard says. “It’s a nice fantasy, I suppose.”

“I don’t either,” Dan Heng adds. Then, he looks at you. “...Do you?”

If you aren't who you are, you wouldn't believe in soulmates either. But your job is to bring people destined to be with each other together. You'd questioned your role at first. If people are meant to be with each other, wouldn't they eventually meet? But, apparently, that's not the case, according to Himeko, at least. Still, it's not like you stuck around to see how those relationships turned out. Once they're together, you have no reason to stick around.

“I don’t know,” you say honestly.

"...Your nickname is Cupid, and you don't believe in soulmates?"

“My nickname has nothing to do with that,” you say flatly.

Dan Heng puts his chopsticks down. “Why do people call you Cupid?”

"You'll be going over your limit of twenty questions at this rate."

"...It doesn't have to stop at twenty."

Pom looks from Dan Heng to you and back to you. "Should I answer this one for you, Cupid?” You glance at Pom. “It’s because she’s a matchmaker!”

“Oh? Have you matched people before?” Gepard asks. Then, jokingly, “What’s the success rate?”

“100%!”

Gepard looks at you, impressed. “Wow.” Then, he chuckles. “March has been wanting to get back out there. Maybe she should come to see you.”

“...What about Stelle?” you ask.

“I don’t think she’s seeing anyone,” Gepard says. Then, he nudges Dan Heng. “Do you?”

“I don’t know,” Dan Heng says. “...I haven’t talked to her for a while now.”

After dinner, Dan Heng and Gepard offer to help you and Pom clean up. You’re in the kitchen doing the dishes when Dan Heng brings in two more dirty plates. You thought he’d put them on the side and leave, but instead, he puts them in the sink and gently nudges you aside.

“...It’s important to take breaks.” When he looks at you, both of you smile slightly. You’re drying your hands on a towel when Dan Heng says, “...What I told you today… could you keep it a secret?”

Keep what a secret? That’s when it hits you. “You mean… about you knowing the patient at the hospital?”

Dan Heng nods. “...He’s also someone my friends know.”

The thought hits you again. Should you tell him about what you can do? In the end, you say, "...Of course, I'll keep your secret. But in return, there's something I'd like you to do for me."

Dan Heng puts the clean dishes on a rack and turns off the tap. Then, he turns to face you. “I’m listening.”

“You know I’m here because of you. Could you keep that information to yourself? The fewer people know, the better.”

A ghost of a smirk graces his lips. “I see. It’s so no one will suspect you when I disappear.”

“Very funny,” you deadpan. “That’s not going to happen.”

“...When will I find out what you’re here for?”

When you get with Stelle. But instead, you say, “You’ll know.”

“Still going to keep me in the dark, huh?”

“Of course. It wouldn’t be fun otherwise."

“What happens after it’s done?” The question takes you off guard. “...Are you going to leave?”

“That’s usually what happens.” You’re looking away from him now.

“...Would you make an exception?”

The question almost instantly makes you turn back. Eventually, you look at him. "Why do you ask?”

“...I like talking with you.”

You hold his stare."Blunt as always, aren't you?" Dan Heng awkwardly looks away as you say, "Well, I surprisingly enjoy your company, so… I'll think about it."

Dan Heng looks back and sees you smiling mischievously. “...You’re playing with me.”

You laugh. “Aw, come on. It’s better than a no, right?”

Dan Heng leans slightly toward you, so you don’t see his face when he says in a lowered voice, “I’ll turn that into a definite yes.”

“Whatcha talking about in here?”

Dan Heng turns around, and you look past him and see Pom and Gepard at the kitchen doorway with a smile.

“Your face is red,” Pom says.

Everyone turns to you, and you put a hand on your cheek. “No, it’s not.”

Pom smiles. Is he just toying with you, or is your face really red?

“Is there something we weren’t supposed to see?” Gepard asks, and he and Pom smile at each other.

“Or hear?” Pom adds.

Dan Heng walks to the door and looks at Gepard. “We should leave.”

“Already?”

“It’s almost nine,” Dan Heng deadpans.

“Well, we’ll see each other again soon,” Pom says with a little smirk.

“Oh, right. Tomorrow’s the festival,” Gepard says.

“If you’re not busy, why not join us?” Everyone turns to you.

“You know, she’s right! Pom adds. “I don’t want to be a third wheel.”

You give him a deadpan look just as Gepard asks, “Would you mind, Dan Heng?”

“Why would I?”

Gepard chuckles.” Oh, I don’t know…”

You and Pom see Gepard and Dan Heng off at the door. Then, as soon as Pom closes it, he spins around.

“You and Dan Heng are getting along really well. Maybe a little too well.”

“We had a few conversations,” you say, sitting on the couch. “It’s not a big deal.” Then, you sigh. “I… had another vision today.”

Pom sits across from you. “Was it Young?”

“...I don’t know. It was of a man, and I couldn’t see his face. He was telling me I couldn’t be friends with their kind… because they’d kill him. He didn't say who he was referring to."

But you have a hunch.

Pom’s eyes widen. “Kill him? That’s… extreme.”

“...I'm sure he was talking about Young."

“Let me guess… This vision happened when you were talking with Dan Heng?”

You nod. "At campus today.”

“Did Himeko say anything?”

“Only that Young isn’t around anymore. And…”

“And?”

"...I may not like the answers I want to hear."

“...Well, that doesn’t sound ominous at all.” Pom sighs. “...Did you ask Dan Heng about him?”

“He said he doesn’t know who that is.”

Pom leans forward, his elbows on his knees and his hands intertwined with each other. “Here’s a thought… what if Dan Heng is a reincarnation of Young? And… maybe you two are destined to meet!”

“...Why does it sound like he’s—”

“Your soulmate?” Pom interrupts almost too happily.

But, that’s impossible… Right?

◆◆◆

"Do you know someone named Young?"

Dan Heng has been thinking about that question since he started showering. Who's Young? Are you looking for him? If so, what does he have to do with him? Once Dan Heng enters his room, dressed in PJs, and with a towel in his damp hair, he hears his phone buzz.

Stelle: Hey. Miss me? 🙂

Dan Heng sits on his bed. Stelle must be worried… or maybe he wants to ask him if he knows what’s happening with her brother. Whatever it is, she must want someone to talk to.

He types a quick reply, but Stelle’s reply is almost quicker.

Stelle: Can we talk?

“How’ve you been?” Stelle asks as soon as she picks up the call.

Could be better. But instead, Dan Heng asks, "Is everything okay?"

“What makes you think something’s wrong?” Stelle asks with a small smile. “I can’t call to check up on you?”

“...Well, I’m fine.”

“That’s it? Nothing else? We haven’t spoken in almost a year!”

“My life isn’t as exciting as yours,” Dan Heng says. “I saw the trailer for your upcoming movie… It looks good.”

Stelle chuckles. “You’ll watch it, won’t you? You and Gepard?”

“...We will.”

A small pause.

“Truth is… I called you to ask about my brother. You haven’t talked to him?”

Despite knowing everything, Dan Heng still asks, “...Did something happen?”

“Well, he told me that he’s going to study abroad. Next thing I know, he already left.”

“You’re still in touch with him?”

"Yeah. He doesn't respond very often… but I know he's okay."

Dan Heng feels his chest tighten. “...That’s good.”

“He didn’t tell you anything? I mean… I don’t even know where he went!”

“I don’t. But we’ve been in touch.”

Stelle sighs. “What about Gepard?”

“I think he knows as much as us.”

"...I see." Then, she smiles slightly. "Hey, do you know someone named Pom? He said he knew you two."

After talking briefly about Pom, Dan Heng eventually talks about you and how you're his upstairs neighbour.

“A new friend, huh?” Stelle asks. “She must be something if you two manage to become friends.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I know you too well, Dan Heng. Since when do you find time to make new friends?" Stelle smiles. “Are you interested in her?”

“...That’s—”

“You hesitated!”

“I didn’t. I—”

Stelle gasps. “You have to introduce her to me now.”

Well, it can’t hurt, right? Dan Heng hopes it'll take her mind off of Caelus, at least.

◆◆◆

“...Can I touch it?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“But—”

"Are all humans this stubborn? Or, is it just you?" Young asked, turning to you with a deadpan look.

“Just one stroke.”

Suddenly, Young stopped and appeared in front of you, and you almost walk into him if he didn’t suddenly grab your wrist.

“...Watch what you say.”

You sighed just as he released you. “Okay, fine. Sorry. I’m just curious,” you said, looking at the horns on your friend’s head. “I thought we’ve known each other long enough that it wouldn’t be awkward.”

“It’s only been three years,” he said, turning around and continuing the trek.

“Only three years? It’s been three years! I guess you still don’t see me as an important friend.”

Young stopped and turned around. “...Really? You aren't important to me? Then, why am I risking my life to be with you right now?”

"Maybe it's 'cause I saved yours that day. If it weren't for me, you would've been poisoned to death."

“I returned the favour. I didn’t let you get caught.”

Young held your stare for a moment before turning around again.

With a small smile, you quickly walked up and nudged him. “One stroke.”

“No.”

Your eyes open, and you sit up in your bed. Another dream. Another puzzle piece. Another question. When you close your eyes, you immediately see Young… and then Dan Heng. You check your phone. Well, it’s only a few more hours before you see Dan Heng for the festival. You roll over and close your eyes. Yet, all you can see is him, and you wake up in frustration.

Why does it seem like it's only a matter of time before this drives you mad?

Chapter 6

Tag list: @suoshiii @lordbugs @lxry-chxn @seirenspinel @tanspostsblog @theprinceofkhaos @nqctre @lunavixia

[smoshpunisher]

ianthony song recs

hey guys! im currently on a roadtrip rn so imma show you my fav ianthony song recs (cus i am BORED) 1. sober to death by car seat headrest

-this has been my all time favorite song from the group, really describes them post 2017 when they had the split, with both unable to comfort each other or validate each other the way they needed. 2. ticket to the moon by the solutions

-this is a korean indie rock song, ive been SOO obsessed with the band and also this type of genre. i picked this song because it reminded me of anthony since i see him as the moon :) 3. life with the sun by jyocho

-this is a japanese indie rock song, this band is also lowkey good :)) also picked this song as the name reminded me of ian. (should TOTALLY listen this song right after listening to ticket to the moon)

4. a fool moon night by the koxx

-another korean song, lyrics are in english though :p love this song with its futuristic guitar riff in the beginning and the solo. can imagine this song as anthony leaving smosh 2017 to pursue other desires. to be his own independent creator. as a goodbye letter to ian as he ventures off to his own

5. twin size mattress by the front bottoms

-GOD THE ANGST IN THIS SONG. another post break up 2017 song (i know tragic) but this is song proves my statement. midwestern emo is made for ianthony!!! the lyrics prove it all

6. scrawny by wallows

-a song that isnt dedicated to post breakup ianthony, this song reminds me of early ianthony with their wholesome interactions. might make an edit to this song but idk :) 7. everlong by foo fighters

-i DID make an edit to this song, now it sits as my most view video on my channel. thank you so much for the support btw ^-^ but this song hits exactly with post reunion ianthony ! they really never said goodbye more like a see you later!! the ianthony girlies/theyies/menies you should totally listen to EVERY song i just suggested some of these are BANGERS !!

[that-one-weird-kid-from-school]

Oh me oh my, I really fucking hate time!

Yeah, I know, I have been complaining a lot about time recently, but even if I made 3 2-mile long posts a week for 5 months and 11 days straight about how much I despise time, that would only show a third of my pure hatred for time.

Every day I go to sleep; and every time I go to sleep, I never expect to wake up tomorrow, I never expect tomorrow to come, yet every time I do; every day when I am thrust into reality, it never feels right, it always feels like this shouldn't be happening, but I just gotta deal with that and wait until I fall back asleep only to eventually wake up again, wake up tomorrow.

Up until soon, I did not think of anything when I went to sleep, I wasn't expecting tomorrow, blissfully not thinking about time, but I now think about time, and the more that I think about time, the more I despise it; so recently, when I go to sleep, the only thing that I think about is how much I wished and begged for tomorrow not to come, to not wake up tomorrow.

But tomorrow always comes.

But today, I had a plan to outsmart time: if I willingly chose to sleep all day, then there wouldn't have been no tomorrow, because tomorrow never came, because I slept through all of tomorrow.

So that is what I tried to do, when I felt myself waking up, I chose to not open my eyes, I stayed in sleep mode, I stayed in my blissful state of mind where there is no time for so long; but eventually, I have been woken up at 1:30 PM, apparently, the package that I ordered has arrived; the plan has to go on hold, I need my beads.

And so, I went outside to get my package; on the way there, I got new string, and also, I saw an amazing notebook, it worked perfect for my plan; also, that was a fine notebook, and I know what I'm saying, I have seen my fare share of notebooks, I have a whole library of notebooks, that notebook was very thick, but sadly, it was a yearly notebook, so I need to wait for the next year to come.

That journey took a lot out of me, I did not drink any alcohol but, every minute that passed, I felt less and less sober, my brain is fogging up every moment that I don't watch piercing fail reaction videos; in the end, I went home half the man I used to be, but at least I got my beads; but when I checked the time, I saw that it was 5 PM, how the fuck did that happen, I went outside immediately after I woke up; the crazier part still was when I got distracted for about 10-30 minutes, it suddenly got to 9 PM, like, no fucking time has passed and now it's dark!

I swear, time really wants me to fucking die.

But, I can hear you from the other side of the screen, with your little nose, saying something like, "I get it, man. Time is an ever-present force that affects us equally. No matter how much we run away from it, we can never escape, time always catches up. And even if we die, time will still keep going; if the entire human race dies one day, time will still exist forever more. We are nothing but ants trying to lie in such an immovable reality called time." Shut the fuck up; you don't know what we're saying, you bitch-ass; go get some real problems and then talk to me.

Or you might be saying something like "what's your deal with time, dude? i get how it feels when you lose track of time and then it flies by. but when you pay attention to it, it is pretty reliable. i don't see why you hate time so much" To that I say: good for you, go sit in the corner right there and be ignorantly blissful and don't bother me; I don't want to explain to you the horrors that I experience every day, but in short, I have a fucked up sense of time, 5 hours ago genuinely feel like yesterday; and trying to make a reason to that is a fucking nightmare.

It really seems like time wants me to die earlier than I would usually do, but I won't do it yet, I have a job to do; if I hear another word come out of your goddam mouth, I swear to fucking god, I'm gonna punch your chest so hard that it breaks your internalized clock; we'll see who's laughing now when that constant ticking and tacking drives you so mad that it leads you into doing desperate actions!

I swear, this time thing is going to be the death of me...

[bridgeportbritt]

A Fresh Start Rehabilitation Center | Cypress, SimDonia

???: Who could be here for me? Mom and Dad would've called first.

Arabella nervous: Hey there...

???: Oh, my Watcher! Arabella??

Arabella: Hey, Alex.

Alex: I can't believe you're- how did you-? Oh, my Watcher.

Arabella: I hope you're not mad.

Alex: Mad? no! I'm confused, but I'm so happy to see you! How'd you find me here?

Arabella: Umm... we're best friends with the Queen.

Alex: Really? Diana sent you here?

Arabella: We've been worried about you, so she had someone do some digging. Once we found you here, we knew we needed to see you in person. Diana wishes she could be here, but..

Alex: I understand. Gosh, I'm just happy to see you. Sorry, I said that already. Let's sit and catch up.

Alex: So, how is Diana? You've seen her recently?

Arabella: Yeah, she's doing good. Busy, of course. Seems like she's been pregnant forever. Won't be long now.

Alex: Aw, and you?

Arabella: Well, we just had little Madeliene not to long ago. I don't think I've seen you since I had Jayme.

Alex: Wow, three little ones? You guys aren't wasting no time. Gosh, I feel like I've missed a lot.

Arabella: Yeah, it was like you fell off the face of the earth there. What happened?

Alex: Right... well, it's kind of a long story, but after the wedding fiasco... I was really struggling.

Alex upset: I tried my best to keep it together for the coronation. It was just... seeing her again. Knowing that because of me... my best friend almost...

Arabella: Alex, no one blames you for that.

Alex: Yeah, I kept trying to tell myself that. But, after the coronation.. I just... kind of went off the deep end.

The rest of this post describes substance abuse, alcohol, and drugs. Please read at your own risk.

Alex: The partying, the drinking, the drugs. I was spiraling out of control hard and fast. I- I didn't even recognize myself anymore.

Arabella: Oh, Alex...

Alex: I was just so torn up with guilt and I hated myself for even dating that guy. I felt so violated and used. And I just let everybody down once again with my stupid choices.

Arabella sobbing: I'm so sorry you were going through that, Alex! We should've paid more attention and been there for you!

Alex: No, don't think that, Arabella, really. You were living your life! I was a mess and isolating myself on purpose. Eventually, my parents caught on and sent me here.

Arabella: I'm so glad for that. I... know life is crazy and we don't see each other as much, but... I don't know what I'd do without you. You're my best friend.

Alex: Thanks, Belle. Even though being here sucked at first, it's working its magic, I guess. I've been sober for 5 months, therapy 3 times a week, group twice, activities up the ass.

Arabella: That's amazing, Alex. I'm so proud of you!

Alex: Thanks. Plus, I kind of met someone..

Arabella: Oh, really?

Alex: Yeah, his brother's a patient here. But, my dad's company works with his. He owns a clothing brand. Or "lifestlye apparel" as he likes to call it. He's cool.

Arabella: He sounds like the most normal guy you've ever dated.

Alex laughs: I know, right? No "salarypersons" from Mt. Komorebi this time around. We're just friends for now. Gotta stay focused on the program. But, I only have 3 months left, so... who knows?

Arabella: Wow, that's a really mature way to go about it. I am so impressed, Alex. You're killing it! You're so much stronger than you realize. I can't wait to see how you flourish after this.

Alex: Thanks, I'm excited to. Feels like - ugh - a fresh start.

Arabella chuckles: Ah, that's why they call this place that... Well, care to show me around? Let me into Alex's world?

Alex: Sure, since it's a little less messy.

[misskgetsfit]

Friday, 11:30pm

I’ll never understand how the people we love most can be the ones that tear us down so viciously.

Booze doesn’t help I know, but I was being vulnerable with my brother, trying to explain that before I can make the world around me better I need to make myself better.

Apparently that’s an excuse and a pity party.

He was drunk and belligerent, and he was condescending. I tried to end the conversation, saying we could talk about it tomorrow when we were both sober (mind you I only had 3 G&Ts over like 5 hours) and instead he raised his voice. I’m proud of myself for getting up, telling him I love him, goodnight and we can talk tomorrow.

And I know that I need to be careful not to wallow, but right now (like I said in my earlier post), functioning and doing the bare minimum is what I’ve got right now.

I want to do more. I want to be better. I want to help make the world a better place. But it’s fucking hard. Am I not contributing by trying to be a good aunty? By welcoming him back into my life after he was so quick to cut me out? For not giving in when every fibre of my being says there’s no point?

So now I get to cry myself to sleep away from my husband and away from dogs, away from my comfort/safety zone. And maybe that’s a little too comfy. A little too safe. I know I need to get out more. Do more. And that Mr B and I are easily soft on ourselves and each other. But I’m trying.

All of this is because I played him a Taylor Swift song that resonated with me. Lesson learned I guess.

[laurasinele]

Why can't we be mates?

In which Black Pete asks Lucius Spriggs' hand in matelotage

Matelotage was a practice among pirates and privateers consisting on a binding contract between two "matelots", according to which their respective wealths would belong to the surviving part in case of untimely death at sea.

This was written pre S02, for the prompt 5. "You're the smartest person I know" from tumblr's 2023 Fictober fest. I'm trying to finish an outrageously delayed fic exchange and start with this year's Fictober prompt list, so I thoughnt I'd post the few past prompts I wrote last year for a chance at a motivation boost.

I had no idea S02 would give us a proposal and a wedding. My spouse swears I have psychic powers. I'm just happy for the boys.

Black Pete was a man of action, Blackbeard’s right hand at one point in time. He lived and breathed piracy, he was tough as nails and he never got attached —his many lovers knew— because his one true love was the Sea. 

This was an approximate depiction of Black Pete. One that the man himself would have gladly approved, and also mostly lies. What was true was this: Black Pete was a pirate; Black Pete lived at sea and had all his possessions with him; at any given time Black Pete could die in a raid or he could sink with the ship. Oh, and of course: Black Pete was in love with Lucius Spriggs. 

On the deck of The Revenge, Black Pete was watching Lucius from a distance. The weather was nice and it was close to noon. Nobody had much to do, and most of the crew was in their cabins or in the common areas. Lucius was lounging on a hammock, touching up a sketch he’d done earlier that day of Mr. Hands throwing up. Black Pete loved the mischievous smile it brought to Lucius’ face. 

“Hey, babe”, he finally said. 

Lucius looked up and his smile switched to delighted:

“Hey, babe!” he replied, scooching to the side so Black Pete could join him.

After some precarious balancing and a healthy measure of “wait, no” and “let me” and “you gotta” and “yeah, I know, just let me”, they were laying together face to face, up and cozy on the hammock. 

“So”, began Black Pete, propping his head up on his hand.

“So?”, encouraged Lucius, wiggling in cheerful anticipation.

“I’ve been thinking”, said Black Pete.

“You have?”, joked Lucius, faking surprise. 

“Ha, ha, yes I have”, Black Pete replied, and he took Lucius hand, and intertwined their fingers, and kissed the knuckle at the base of the wooden one. “I think we are good, aren’t we?”

“Uh, I’d say so. More than good”, replied Lucius. He fluttered his lashes playfully and gave him a peck on the lips before leaning in to lick Black Pete’s neck with obvious intent. 

“Ah, okay, okay, I see we are very good”, he said, gently pushing Lucius back with a little laugh. Lucius looked at him inquisitively and Black Pete sobered up and got serious: “Can I ask you something, babe?”

“Of course, babe. Shoot”.

“Would you… would you be my matelot?”

Lucius scoffed:

“Oh, no. Newnewnewnewnew, no. Uh-uh. Nopity-nope”, he said. 

“Well, I don’t see why not”, replied Black Pete, more hurt than he cared to admit. 

Lucius sighed, put on a serious face and sat up, giving his back to Black Pete. 

“Babe, I’m a free bird! Everytime a man has tried to claim me, terrible things have happened. To him, mostly. Because I am a lovely, educated person with many, many skills and gifts, not a random piece of shit to own. You have to understand”, he said, turning to look at Black Pete’s miserably sad face. “I can’t be tied up, I need to fly”.

“But I don’t want to tie you up! I— I just want to be with you wherever you are and watch you fly”.

Lucius put his hand to his heart, touched. He caressed Black Pete’s scruffy cheek with the tips of his fingers. 

“Isn’t this enough, then? Why do you need to write it down?”

Black Pete sputtered as he moved one arm to encompass the whole ship.

“We are pirates! Stede is mental! And so is Blackbeard! Anything can happen. I don’t want all my stuff and my dreams and hopes sinking to the bottom of the sea if I die”.

Lucius sighed and lied down again. For a moment, he just looked at his lover in silence. 

“Didn’t know you had hopes and dreams”, he teased.

Black Pete smiled. 

“Well, I do, of course I do. I, uh… I want to open a grill bar!”

Lucius laughed and slapped Black Pete’s chest lightly. 

“That’s Blackbeard’s dream! I told you about it”.

“He copied me!”, said Black Pete, barely holding back laughter. 

They chuckled and stared at each other lovingly for a moment, basking in the warmth and the breeze and the salty scent in the air. 

“I get it.The whole matelotage thing. But why me?”, asked Lucius.

Black Pete sighed and took Lucius’ both hands, ready to deliver what he hoped was the best version of the speech he’d been musing on for weeks. 

���You are the smartest person I know. You light up the room even when you look bored, which is most of the time, to be honest. But for some reason when I call your name you stop looking bored. You look happy to see me. I never had anybody looking happy to see me before. Least of all someone I too am happy to see. Least of least of all someone as clever and sexy and funny as you. I might never understand why you smile when you see me, but I want to keep seeing you smile forever. So fly away, free bird. No matter what, as long as you want me to, I will follow”. 

With a teary eye and an enamored smile Lucius prepared to say yes to the man he loved, who respected him and understood him so well, only to be interrupted by Buttons’ rugged voice:

“That was mighty precious, lads. I hereby pronounce ya mates”, he announced while passing by them on his way to the bridge. Naturally, he was naked. 

[yourfriendmelanie]

i am scared to share anything, even to my therapist. i never share to anyone. i think i don't want to say things out loud because if i don't say it out loud then maybe it didn't happen, or it didn't exist. that's not true. ever since i could remember i hated my life. maybe in 2010? 2011? 2012? 2006 when my parents split? who knows. this really bad thing happened to me in 2012 i think. i do remember 12/12/12 at 12:12pm. my fifth grade teacher took a picture of our class at that exact time! i remember i hated going to school after this happened... i think. or i just didn't want to. my mother wasn't around a lot, it was usually just me and my brother, at least to my recollection. therefore, i could skip school. keep in mind i am 12. i was born in September of 2000. i was raised by so many people. i have a "broken" family. my friend that was on my volleyball team told me in seventh grade that i have a broken family. I've never forgotten that. i never thought of my family like that. i knew it was somewhat fucked up, but i knew a lot of my friends in Seattle had similar family situations. i moved to a more rural or town like, it has 10,00 people, and most families seemed picture perfect. anyway, i knew my family was fucked up but i didn't know it was thaaaat fucked. i feel like i was cursed from the beginning. i was raised by my mom and dad from ages 0-5 or 6, then just my mom from 6-12 or 13, and then living with, not raised, by my aunt, dad, and uncle. it is all fucked up. i feel like living with them has been like living a lie, but let's not talk about that right now. i have no "full" siblings. i have three half siblings. i had a full brother but he was a stillborn. i wish i could have a sibling to grow up with but i didn't. i was alone a lot. my brother was five years older than me and he was in and out of the hospital a lot and received more attention to me, obviously because of his health. it just made me sad. and made me feel unwanted. but my relationship with my mom and dad have been good. i was very mad at my mom in middle school, i was angry that she neglected me for so long and i felt like she had no remorse for that. i know it was because of mental health and i forgave her. my dad suffered from alcoholism ever since i could remember, but now as of 2024 he is six year sober. he still pisses me off but i forgive him for literally being such an absent dad, but now he is great and i love him.

i have love. I've been loved. i am loved. i give love. i do have love. haha that sounds like an affirmation, but i do believe that i have had many boyfriends and we've been in love. I've been in love, but i don't know what love is actually. i know i love dogs, and i know i love my boyfriend and i love my friends. but i do not know what a healthy relationship looks like, romantically, at all. i have never seen a healthy romantic relationship ever. my dad and my mom we're very abusive towards each other. my aunt and uncle are weird and i do not think they love each other, but have been married for over 40 years, so what do i know. i thought my boyfriend's parents had a good healthy relationship. then i found out that his dad left his mom, not while they were married, for a couple months. then he went back and they are so beautiful and funny towards each other. i still do think they have a great relationship. i am scared that i am being pulled towards men that are unhealthy, like my mother and father's relationship. i usually feel unloved and i know that that is incorrect. i am doing DBT and it has been good. i have learned so much, and have so many more coping skills. i think it has been helping my communication skills and my relationships, romantic and other. like, a lot.

i wanted to make this post on tumblr because i have always loved tumblr. when i was depressed in 2012 and 2013, tumblr helped me express myself with pictures and poetry, and i want to start sharing... whatever i want. i feel like this is a diary entry, but i promise not all of my posts will be like this.

xoxo,

mel

[wack-ashimself]

So...I wasn't going to post this but I thought I will forget it, and being it has NEVER happened to me, I might as well...

I entered a meditative state last night (entirely by accident) where...I experienced things as deep and similar as to when I was on psychedelics. But I was sober...

I did what I called the download (it took me 3-4 times in the past to even REMEMBER this happening. It's....one of the most overwhelming things you can EVER experience, and one of the few times I can say 'yeah, I could see how that could drive someone to lose their fucking minds.')

The download is when you get unsustainable amounts of information, so much so you forget your OWN memories and intelligence, and you can only hold onto it for a few minutes before it goes (because your brain can not handle 2 different realities at the same time)

I remembered another life. And I don't think it was a past life because of how much technology was in the information (I grew up in the 90s. I saw the internet evolve. This was WELL after that). I think this was a future/alternative life. And it was hard to deal. It was like (and again, I had this happen before, but it's SO powerful, you can't even try to remember) an entire lifetime of memories being uploaded into the same brain as mine, and me not knowing where I begin and the other person ends.

Again, within...5 minutes ALL of it was forgotten. But those 5 minutes....I felt shame. Not because it was a bad life, but because CLEARLY somewhere in the ether I KNOW of this life, these memories, these experiences, but I am too weak right now to handle that!? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!

Because I know if I can evolve, I can help show people the way.

I mean do you know what started me on this path?

CA. LA. Been there only....3-4 months. Doing a lot of gig work. Met a lot of people. Heard a lot of shit. But I always promised to hear someone out just in case. Talking religion with some random guy. Say all of it is garbage. He said have you looked into spirituality? I said I know of it, but didn't look too deeply cuz there wasn't too much...consistency. A lot of people claimed a lot of things, ya know? And he said 'just do me a favor? Look into a book call the art of grounding. You won't regret it.' So I did. And, again, a lot of it was posh/open for interpretation. But it did say one thing: go outside, bare foot, on the ground directly. Slightly bend your knees, slow breaths, eyes closed, concentrate, and you will feel the flow of the earth's energy thru you. WHAT? BULL SHIT. But again, I had to try. I can't say something is a lie without trying it, ya know? So I did...

[sunshineisreal]

Mealspome-

Follow up to my last post, I now have to face some new fears of mine.

1. Soberity from alcohol for at least 1 month - sobriety for me isn't permanent. I just cannot keep on using it as an excuse to engage in unhealthy behaviour or as an escape. I used to be so motivated as a kid, alcohol and drugs took that from me.

2. I like health foods more than processed sugary foods, but I've definitely fallen into a sugar and fat pit because I can not afford good food and living with my mom now. All she buys is unhealthy snacks. Idk what I'm gonna do there, I need a substitute for sugar until I stop craving it.

3. No over eating. 3 meals a day only. Which, when I'm not over eating, is lunch, dinner, something small after dinner. Or lunch, snack, late dinner. So I'm gonna start with no breakfast tomorrow, just so my body can chill for a bit and be reminded it doesn't NEED SUGAR RIGHT THIS SECOND.

4. I've been scared to go outside or face people. My dog is getting fat :( . I need to go outside for daily walks but omg I'm so frightened cause I look like shit. My hair is awful and uuughhhhghdhdhdh. Like, I'm too fat to be seen in public by people who know me. I'm so frightened.

Really, it's just sobriety, and the going outside which scare me the most. I've been dealing with the food shit forever, I'm more familiar with how it goes.

Extra :) : ever since I was a kid I've always wanted buff arms, idc abt abs or legs or butt, I've just really wanted arm muscles, to like, prove I wasn't worthless or something. Regardless of the psychology behind my initial desire, I'm going to start yoga again 😞🫣. If I have arm muscle, I can go a little easier on myself for my diet. But as a petite woman, I feel like this is going to be really hard. Actually, I know it's going to be difficult cause this isn't my first rodeo.

OH ALSO 5. Running again bitch! U don't need to track ur calories or ur steps ok, just run for ONLY 30 SECONDS tomorrow, and I'll love u 🫡

Imagine a future where you are healthy and happy.

Although I'm scared like, ok, so I run and am sober? So what? I'll still be miserable!

That train of thought just popped into my head.

[colsonlin]

The Second Coming of Jesus Christ

Note: Colson Lin’s Twitter profile has exactly 181 followers, which will be relevant. He recently used a different profile he created for his project to follow himself. Before these tweets, he had 180 followers. Please remember that Colson Lin is a Yale Law graduate. All of the empirical claims he makes about his life story are true and verifiable by the media.

The opening of Colson Lin’s Twitter profile:

1.

The Second Coming of Jesus Christ is about to post Riddle 1 of 42.

It’s from God.

I know you don’t really want to die. You just want the pain to be over. I know you got tired of America. I know it got hard to stay sober.

I’m going to blow your mind.

God is a woman.

Infinity?

2.

Hey, traphouse vandal:

Or like—

Try to help?

Jesus fucking Christ.

I won’t out you because I’m not a cult leader here to turn everyone against even a single one of you.

I’m literally here to help.

[Note: The above tweet was written at 4:44 AM.]

Oops?

Truth hurts.

—Lizzo

Nothing in the Universe is more Powerful than reality. Reality has a trick.

Reason.

Reasonable beings use intelligence to attach to reality.

Oh the cords get tangled for all sorts of bad reasons (Power!), but those bad reasons are smaller than Reality.

With time, Truth bites.

To be fair [to the traphouse vandal], I didn’t click [your profile].

After I clicked, I was hopeful again.

Hope I click for you too, buddy.

3.

I’m gonna laugh at the media if they try to bury the next few tweets in obscurity after I email them an outline of my philosophical postmodern-art project that challenges the status quo, by an LGBT child of working-class immigrants with a perfect SAT score and a Yale Law degree.

Don’t worry.

Y’all are off the hook for now.

I haven’t done it yet.

But pretty soon after I do?

I’m going to publicize the recipients in this thread.

Sorry for being a living, breathing 21st-century icon.

4.

I just realized.

Shared power means at least somebody should be verifying my work.

Given that I’ve apparently scared the fuck out of 99% of humanity so that nobody wants to engage with me…

Can the NSA just do it?

(Y’all establishment-media types—y’all trust them, right?)

💍

I am happy to communicate with any world leader through text or email.

Y’all know how to find me.

Hell, let’s hop on Zoom.

It’ll be a quick century.

Call me crazy.

But I’m smart enough to speak to you.

5.

@NSAGov

u up?

Here’s my phone number.

[Note: Colson Lin provides a phone number, but it is reacted from public view.]

Y’all can confirm every aspect of my life to check.

Don’t leak my phone number unless I do anything evil.

Y’all can go through all my texts and emails.

It really doesn’t feel fair to the rest of humanity, you know, for like one person to be this iconic.

And not famous.

lmao stoppp i’m literally just kidding y r u being so mean

I’m the sweetest girl in town so why are you so mean? When you gonna ditch that stupid ***** you got? It’s me you should be seein’

Sorry y’all.

I censored the word Satan, because he’s my enemy.

6.

Here’s how this Twitter will proceed:

When I want something, I’ll ask for it.

Literally anyone with a Twitter account can tell me if I’ve made an unreasonable request.

DMs are now closed.

Our book of wisdom will be for future humans.

Don’t worry.

“I’m good with languages.”

Languages spoken or studied: English, Spanish (middle school and high school), French (college), Arabic (college), Chinese (you’re racist).

I’m only missing one to hit the UN six.

Haha.

Oh wait.

What are the chances… my brother Ilya is Russian.

Wise people who can touch powerful wisdom using wise storytelling can touch God.

By the way, for some reason unlikely coincidences seem to stack up around them.

I think those are called “miracles,” but can anyone google it and check?

Hey humanity.

That was my first question.

Don’t worry.

Because I’m a kooky guy, I’ll answer your questions with either tweets or little creative videos.

But if I answer you, I’ll have to delete 1 of my older tweets.

So ask wisely.

If a bot farm fucks this up for all of humanity, Satan wins.

(I’ll literally give up.)

Let me make an empirical prediction supported by logical reasoning:

The hardest time to take me seriously is when:

(1) I have no social power. (2) The entire world isn’t talking about me. (3) Your coworkers. Your mom. Your spouse. Everyone.

And yet so many right now still do.

I’m trying to prove here that God can come out of the elites.

God can come out of world leaders. God can come out of federal workers. God can come out of journalists. God can come out of prisoners. God can come out of international criminals.

I have hope, y’all.

Don’t kill it.

By the way, I will artificially up my follower count to 181 by making one of my other Twitter profiles for this project follow me when I’m not in the mood to talk, when I’m too busy hanging out with friends and living my actual life because—

lmao y’all

This Twitter is literally just a fun hobby for me.

I’m a writer.

This is the most provocative Twitter thread in human history.

Anyone inside humanity can verify it.

7.

If you believe I can channel God, then not a single person in the world can up my follower count.

If you do, I will wait for someone to unfollow me before I talk in public again.

I’m not the Anti-Christ.

I’m the Anti-Twitter.

(Which means I’m pretty sure I just became cool.)

You know—

180 people defended the Alamo. (“Is that true?”)

180 is a perfect LSAT score. (“Is that true?”)

Truth is like a circle of perfection.

Everything outside=Satanic

The first person to follow me and bring me to 181 followers will fuck up the Bible.

So don’t do it.

;)

In the spirit of the idea I just had tonight, I will announce a change of plans.

“A Stick of Dynamite in the American Elite” is a book that will now grow indefinitely.

But I will maintain the Twitter at meaningful numbers.

Which means…

You got it.

This Twitter self-deletes.

Does anyone know how to use Twitter search and take screenshots?

In the meantime, I have a riddle for humanity.

Do you have what it takes to survive?

Postmodernists vote “yes.”

Nihilists vote “no.”

Just kidding.

🤭 oig I'm like so funny

I’m never gonna reveal how to vote.

Yes No

8. [Note: This is a lucky number in Chinese. Colson Lin was born in Shanghai, China. He is the illegitimate bastard child of China’s most iconoclastic philosopher whose writings had a significant influence on the Communist Party of China’s policy in the 1990s. The philosopher is married to a successful mainstream film director named Hu Mei.]

I’m, like, not a real person. I’m a fictional character on an HBO show called “A Stick of Dynamite in the American Elite” that tells the preposterous story of the bastard child of China and the favored son of America coming together to be the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. but—

So anyway—it’s May 26, 2023.

You know.

The day after Jesus 2.0 was born.

How’s everyone’s Boxing Day going?

Meritocrats?

Y’all doing well? (I heard “Yale Law” and “LSAT” trended on Twitter today; random…)

You know what came out on Boxing Day half a century ago?

Google it.

My name is Colson Lin and I got a 1600 on my SAT, bitch.

But I’m gonna inch my number of videos and images up to 1610 before bringing it back down to 1600.

Because I’m from Houston, y’all.

The moon was your first international dynamite.

Beyoncé was your second.

“I’m your 3.”

Hey guys.

If I is 1.

II is 2.

What does 111 stand for?

9.

Tomorrow night on “A Stick of Dynamite in the American Elite”:

The Second Coming of Jesus Christ watches a Netflix show called “Beef.”

It was the first time he has seen so many Asian-Americans.

He has thoughts.

“They’re flatter, fewer-dimensional renditions of the people I’ve met and know. God’s coming out of all of them except the Satanic elite Wal-Mart lady (but I’m only on episode two). Wow. I bet when she and her Japanese husband are bored, they’d watch HBO’s A STICK OF DYNAMITE—”

Tomorrow.

Only on HBO:

“A Stick of Dynamite in the American Elite” found God by breaking the meta.

It’s the show that doesn’t make sense for anyone in Netflix’s “Beef” to have known or heard about.

Because it would break the meritocracy.

Introducing:

“The Lotteracy” by CL.

If you’re too impatient to see the HBO episode:

Read it in real fucking time.

Every Friday night.

Only on @dumatology.

A time-stable book about God, written on Twitter over the course of a summer (“The Summer of the Second Coming”) on Twitter, in 16 chapters.

Backwards.

💍

Spoiler alert:

God is trying to rise out of every tribe at the same time.

The results are Satanic.

Y’all need a leader.

;)

Do you want your leader to be Godly or Satanic?

Wait.

Does God exist?

Holy shit, you guys!

That tweet went up at exactly 2:12 AM on May 26, 2023.

Tell me something:

Am I just a really, really good storyteller?

Or can my brother Ilya see that I’m channeling all of this in real time, because K. from TH Rogers spontaneously texted me to recommend—

The Bible made God boring. Postmodernity made God boring. God is boring.

IQ Test:

Which of the above is true?

“A Stick of Dynamite in the American Elite” is bringing God back to postmodernity.

Yo elites—

Who among y’all ready to click on this video?

2023

[watsonphotog]

Self portrait. Nikon d300S. December, 2020.

Hey there, Tumblr. It’s been a while.

I had written SO much and then the draft decided to just... shit out for some goddamn reason. Glad to see this site still absolutely choogles ass.

Regardless, as much as I’ve been inactive on this website, and now as pissed as I am that I lost ALL THAT WORK, I really have been feeling the urge to start photoblogging again. This time, I’m feeling more blogging how I’m feeling along with my images, so a touch more personal than before. For some reason, I had sort of thought that was the original idea behind this thing.

But we’ll see.

Where do I even begin...?

So much has happened since that last post, and it’s nearly impossible to summarize almost 8 years in one shot, but I can probably gloss over it.

I, in fact, did not put my life back together after that last picture. In fact, I am pretty sure I fell into the deepest depression of my life a few months later. Like, only eating an apple, an orange, and two bananas each day because you couldn’t afford any more food nor did you feel like eating anything else level depression. Did wonders for my weight, but it just about shattered my ability to form and maintain memories. Seriously, my college years are kind of just a blur now, which is incredibly depressing, because I know they were some of the most important years of my life, but they’re just... gone. Not all gone, mind you, but there’s an overwhelming amount of fog there. It destroyed my relationship with a lot of people, or at least made me fizzle out in their lives... I lived for Loki, my family, and to do nothing but work. People would reach out, and I simply could not bring myself to respond. It didn’t get better for a long, long time. In retrospect, it’s honestly a miracle I’m still here... honestly, if it wasn’t for Loki or my mother, I probably wouldn’t be. I am better now, in a way where I at least am not at that level. Still haven’t gone to therapy, but I’m at least looking for one now and don’t feel like I’m at that rock bottom anymore.

To be fair, the drinking didn’t help the whole memory holes thing I mentioned, either. I wouldn’t call myself sober nowadays, but one very important memory I have in college is the time I had to work at a convention while hung over as fuck, and between hating working after a night of booze, working at least 5 days a week, and the fact I was making piss poor nothing out of college, I stopped drinking almost altogether. I won’t say no to a drink (unless I’m really not feeling it), but I think that I have a far more healthy relationship with alcohol nowadays.

Speaking of jobs and making piss poor nothing- I have been working at that same job since I got hired on a hail mary chance shortly after graduating. I am going to do my best to never name it by name on this blog (they have kind of a funny social media policy, and god help me if any of my management friends/cohort/coworkers ever find this), but I will say it’s a well loved convenience store in the mid Atlantic region and leave it at that. Nowadays, I am an assistant general manager, which is a hell of a step up from the like 8-something dollars an hour I started at. It wasn’t an easy path, and it certainly had some downfalls, but right now I am happy where I am at and I still believe in the company and what it stands for. Plus, it pays the bills, so that’s nice.

I’m still living in Philadelphia, in the same apartment I moved to after leaving The Lost World behind. It’s on a quiet(ish) little corner on the boarder of Fairmount and Brewerytown, with lots of trees nearby and some beautiful sights in walking distance. The rent is cheap for the area, my landlords leave me to my own devices, and it’s a relative hub of transit options. I’ve had a few roommates in my time here... most have not been great, but I did get to live with Luke (a highlight) and the one roommate I had here for maybe 5-6 years, Issy, ended up being one of my best friends. Right now, Loki and I are doing the solo living thing, and with my raises at work and some strict spending management on my end, it’s honestly not terrible. I’m really enjoying not having another roommate, and I hope I can keep it up for a while.

Speaking of Loki... my lil old man is doing alright. He’s had a few health scares over the years, a few bladder issues that kept him on medicated food, a heart murmur, and now thyroid problems. He’s like 13 or 14 at this point, so it’s to be expected. I think about how he’s old quite often as of late, and it fills me with a sense of dread. I don’t like that he’s in the twilight of his life, even though he still acts like a kitten with running and playing and being a little ridiculous goofball. I really can’t imagine my life without him.

As for brighter things...

I finally got over my fear of basic math and took a stab at playing Dungeons and Dragons a few years ago, and I am so glad I did. It’s honestly been a life changing thing for me, and a huge part of my social life nowadays. I started DMing in 2017 or 2018 on my birthday, and while COVID put most of the campaigns I run on hiatus, I’m slowly getting back into the DM saddle. It’s helped me make some amazing friends while also express some of those crazy story ideas I’ve had rumbling around in my brain since I was a kid. Truly a 10/10 experience.

I somehow ended up as a Twitch affiliate, and I actually get paid to stream nowadays. I was part of enough D&D streams on my own that it motivated me to start streaming games again, and shit, it paid off. I’ve been a key organizer in at least 5 fundraisers now, and helped raise a shit load of funds over the past few years for some awesome causes while doing some ridiculous things online. It’s been a great experience.

Perhaps the most shocking of all things, however, is that I finally made the discovery and come to grips with the fact I’m polyamorous. If you’ve known me for as long as I’ve had a Tumblr, this is probably pretty shocking, especially given that my first experience with polyamory was less ethical nonmonogamy and more my ex sleeping with whoever she wanted guilt free because she couldn't do long distance relationships and I was some sort of weird emotional crutch for her, and it traumatized me to the idea for a long time. However, in my last major relationship, I had this realization that I could probably happily be in a polyamorous relationship if the communication was there, and while I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my monogamous relationship to find that out, if there ever was a reason I was single again, I was going to try it out. Well, after we split and then COVID ruined everyone’s lives (and another pretty unfortunate relationship), I tried the solo poly thing for a while, because the person I needed to date the most at that point was myself.

Well, I kind of failed at that part a bit, as now I have not one but two girlfriends. Sarah, who is married, is the first, and Katie, who I am definitely going to marry, is the second. I met Sarah around August of 2021, and while I was supposed to be just a fun time bonus thing for her (she was in two other relationships at this point), she eventually caught the feels and we eventually talked it out. I met Katie in November of the same year, and it was like finding everything I ever wanted in a partner in a single human being. I won’t say it was love at first sight, but it was definitely love a lot quicker than I think I was comfortable with admitting. I’ve had a few missteps along the way, and it’s occasionally been a bit messy, but it’s been a great experience regardless and I am very happy with my relationships.

If I had to ask 2015 Ian, as he looked into that broken mirror on that October night, what he thought his life would look like nowadays, I don’t think he would have believed me if I had told him almost all of his expectations were wrong. But I think that’s probably a good thing.

I don’t really have much else to add to wrap this up, only that I am going to try my damndest to actually blog here a bit more and get some of the feelings and thougths I have off my chest. I don’t really think any of the followers I have on this Tumblr use it anymore, nor do I think many of them would really care what I have to say anymore. This isn’t for the notes or views, though.

This is for me.

Til next time...