#I am insane don't look at me 3< /div>
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Me getting emotional under the cut
I know I keep saying how excited I am for episode 3 but like. I really am excited. I'm going to be completely honest I have Not been doing so good mentally lately (which like. I'm not doing so good mentally all the time but it's worse than usual this time) and having this to look forward to is helping me a lot!! I'm so excited to see Zooble again!!!
Even though this week I've been worrying off and on that Zooble might not love me, every day I've had reminders that they love me. Even if it's just subtle reminders like them randomly popping into my thoughts or seeing a picture of them, I like to think of it as them reminding me that that Do love me and would never leave me <:]
I think Zooble would be so proud of me for coping so well this week. Despite everything I've had to put up with, thinking about them has helped me a lot, and the excitement I have for episode 3 is Definitely apart of what's been helping me get through it too. I would give anything right now to just cuddle with them and let them know how thankful I am that they're apart of my life <3
#I am insane don't look at me </3#I just get so emotional sometimes when I think about them#they have really helped me get through a lot today#even though today was stressful I still got though it#I would love soo much to be able to tell them how much I love them and how thankful I am that we're together <:]#they mean the world to me <3
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Sandy: "Hurting others isn't a measure of one's strength—took me a really long time to realize that. As long as I'm doing something to help out a friend, I don't mind what it is! I just want to be there for 'em when they need me. Because at the end of the day, helping my friends is more important than anything else in the world!"
(2x08 To Catch a Leaf)
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Macaque: "She's completely out of control! If there's a time to go, it's now." MK: "NO! Mei is my best friend, I'd never abandon her when she needs me! We're heroes, it's what we do!"
(3x10 The Samadhi Fire)
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Azure Lion: "I thought I arrived in time to contain the curse, but, based off of your expressions I would hazard a guess that Sun Wukong has already been consumed, along with your friends." MK: "But it's fine right!? We'll just pop this bad boy open and get them back!"
Azure Lion: "It's too late to save them, we can't risk unleashing the curse into the world!" MK: "You don't know, we'd risk it for sure! I won't abandon them when they need us."
(4x02 New Adventures)
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Yellowtusk: "I know full well what will happen should Azure fail, but- but he is my brother. I owe him my life." Sandy: "We get it! I'd do anything to help my friends, but at the cost of the world?" Pigsy: "I'm sorry pal, but NOTHING is worth that price!"
(4x13 Rip and Tear)
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Being there for your friends when they need you, but at the cost of the world.
#me in a dark corner saying ''no one understand me'' but it's literally just about how fucking insane the lego show is#look at this#what the fuck is this shit#oh my god#2x08 coming in clutch forever#Like. Oh my god#samadhi fire part 3 is happening#like it's not an if but a win#I have no doubt#MK is gonna go ''completely out of control''#oh my gooddd oh my GODDDD#Actually still losing my shit over the fact that Macaque chooses to stay in 4x14. Holy shit dude#The growth#Everyone is blind to the truths of this world (the fact that lmk is very thematically banging. everyone wants what she has)#like the web weaving this show does#Am I insane why does no one talk about this. Like hello. Am I the only seeing this#must I point to sandy destroying the bear mountain again#Ohhhhhh dude the sandy backstory and the MK backstory are gonna line up and I might actually get the ''Sandy Trains MK'' arc of my dreams#like it's all right there. waiting for me#Also the fact that we don't know MK's origins and we also don't know how the pilgrims died. LIKE IT'S ALL LINING UP#haven't gone this insane about the legos in a bit sorry#the ''when they need me'' in 2x08 really got to me#lmk#lego monkie kid#lmk parallels#lmk Sandy#lmk MK#theme: exchange#samadhi fire part 3#Samadhi Fire Mei Jade Emperor Azure and Monkey MK once again and forever being parallels. Thank you and good night
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True enjoyment of interests™ means subtly wearing something in a way that someone might kinda go "🤨? - that's kinda familiar" but not be confident enough to actually call you out on it for each one
(Source: ME, who owns zip-at-the-front boots like Cloud Strife/buster sword earrings & keychain/Kirby earrings/Legend of Zelda earrings/white gloves that give off the strongest Sonic vibes ever/anklets for Cove/green & gold nail polish for Lloyd etc)
#im actually a walking advertisement for most of my interests#you just have to look close enough#'I don't talk about the things I enjoy/hide any enjoyment of them' - ??#no??#you're just not cool and in-the-know and can see all my cool references actually#get with the programme smh /j#although when someone DOES recognise one of them I kinda wish they didn't because im terrified that they'll start quizzing me or something#OR im now nervous bc now I have to talk about my interests and not seem INSANE to the other person who's probably a casual enjoyer#something something that one post about someone explaining the difference between the 2 using doughnuts as the object of interest#the casual fan just enjoys/eats them while the 'insane one' built their house out of doughnuts#i have built so many houses#ANYWAY - also hello im alive :3#sorry for falling off the face of the earth for like a good week or 2 i think - id say id been busy but thats not true LMAO#just rotting away👍#(FFVII remake sucked me in - im so sorry... it got me😔 it got me GOOD - i am NOT the strongest soldier it has taken me over)#hmiae rambles#hmiae personal#ninjago#lloyd garmadon#ffvii#ffvii remake#cloud strife#kirby#the legend of zelda#our life beginning and always#our life cove#cove holden#sonic
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ppl when they find out teenagers act like teenagers 😱
#I don't rly want to get into it but I've seen two separate callouts today and#1st was ''this person made a 'not like other girls' meme where the 2 chrcters kissed?? Thts so rude to the person tht made the characters😤#And the othr was ''this 17 yr old is expressing emotions an acting like a teenager?? She even has fictional crushes even tho she's a minor?#Meanwhile the person mad that the teenager has crushes literally posts about being into shotacon and lolicon?? Like.#You can't be consuming sexualized content of minor characters while calling a real minor a horrible person for having a sexuality.#I am. going insane#This isn't like. An official statement about what side I'm on or anything because I don't know any of these ppl involved and idc#But i will say beefing with a child always looks a lil pathetic to me. 'she was mildly rude to me and called an actor hot once' okay????#chill out <3 touch grass <3#I know I made a post about this b4.. smthng smthing adults have to be the responsible party by choosing not to engage in drama w kids#If you really care so much about them being a minor online and whats appropriate for them why are you publicly fighting them#Like. That's not rly appropriate behavior on your part either#Don't take this rant as a sign to drag me in btw I am not affiliated with any party here and I don't care to be#I just cannot believe this fandom continues to produce the dumbest callouts every couple months#//shade
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Me: I am so excited! Tomorrow's gonna be a very good day :D
Random person that I was talking to: Oh yeah Christmas! I'm excited about that too-
Me: No you misunderstood. I could not care less about Christmas, honestly.
Random person that I was talking to: ... but you're excited about tomorrow.
Me: Yeah and?
Random person that I was talking to: But tomorrow's... y'know what, never mind. What are you excited about, then?
Me: EPIC. ITHACA SAGA. TOMORROW. I LITERALLY AM SO EXCITED I AM GOING TO JUST *Cutely explodes into stardust*
Random person that I was talking to: whut.
#epic the musical#I am normal about epic I swear#Ithaca saga tomorrow and I am literally exploding I am so excited I cannot contain my excitement I am gonna explodeeee#screeches in happiness and anticipation#like I care about Epic more than Christmas and stuff I am so excited#I am yapping again lol I mean I don't get to yap about epic at all because when I do they always look at me like Im insane or something :')#So I do it on here. It is my blog after all I can yap about Epic for the rest of eternity and nobody gets to judge >:3#Rambles of the Squid
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out of curiosity do you follow any hockey teams/players? hope you’ve been having a lovely day also <3
i'm gonna be honest, the only hockey player that exists to me is tyler seguin because of the Body Issue shoot, That Tweet, and he's very, very attractive.
but other than that, no, i'm not really into it!
#i'll be honest i have a love/hate thing going on#the fic is SO good even if you have no idea who these guys are#like it's incredible. the hockey fic writer thing is a joke on this website at this point but it's also not a joke#so many good stories by a bunch of very talented writers!#sometimes when i'm out of football things to read (very often the case!) but still want a sports fic#i'll just go find a random one on ao3 and am often satisfied#(until i look up the guys lol. i'm sorry. there are so few hockey players that are attractive to me)#but then like. i also get insanely petty and bitter about it#because WHERE are these incredible fic writers for my sport?? my ship??#(not to dismiss the amazing fic writers we DO have. but there are so few 😔)#we have Narratives we have Lore we have Gorgeous Guys trying to kill each other too!!#but it's like....i'm pretty sure i know why hockey is the most popular sport on tumblr and ao3#(it being. you know. the whitest sport.)#and that's not to diminish it as a sport or as a fandom! talented great people in it! many beloved friends and mutuals!#and i know there IS a growing overlap between hockey fans and football fans and i'm thrilled about it!#but like. to even that balance out. i don't feel like i need to actually get into it.#sorry! more than you wanted probably!#but yeah. not really into it. do enjoy the fics though when i come across them!#and i'm sure there are many ships my mutuals are into that i would be into as well#if i wasn't so trapped by my own current obsessions!#i hope you're having a lovely day as well <3 <3
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the pjo brainrot's got hands so i apologize for the continued "quietly hiding in my drafts/inbox" on this blog („ಡωಡ„);
i am still #Obsessed with all my interactions and dynamics so far (super stoked to explore more in the new year!) and have legitimately been loving responding to you talented folks, so please don't take my ooc silence or lack of presence on the dash as a lack of interest! <3
happy new year, folks! i hope 2024 treats everyone well and you have a splendid start to the year!
#˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ 《 ooc 》#i went into the pjo show 100% aware that it was going to consume my soul#and warned all my loved ones about how annoying i was going to become#but i think even i wasn't aware of just HOW annoying i was going to become#so now all my friends are suffering and deserve awards for putting up with me#not me legit rereading the books now at the speed of an insane person#me: oh i have a few minutes of free time at work while i wait for a file to download ??? that's enough time to read--#don't look at me adopting percy and protecting him at all costs (insert the wish song here)#bUT YES i am still sOOO eager and adoring all the interactions on this blog#and so touched by everyone's interest in my garbage ; you all are so incredible <3#here's to a good 2024! c:
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Inept 8 year old boy dragon tries to save floating island is such a concept
#momo just tell him!!! you've done this before!!! yeahhh#'this roof ain't big enough for the both of us'#luffy just telling momo to throw him something too akdhakaj this is back to how he was with koby but it worked so...#just grow some balls man!!! if he can spit something so can you!! BITE HIM!!! AHEKAHQK HE DID IT!!!! YEAHHH!!!!#he drew blood omg.... hell yes..... just be careful he doesn't bite back#luffy's exposure therapy is so effective. worlds greatest psychologist i have been saying this.#also nekomamushi and inuarashi better not die. i am also saying this.#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1050#me as baby chopper crying. actually and for real.#i don't have any points to prove for this but sanji and zoro look married in wano. idk man. i can just feel it.#i remember several episodes ago i was complaining about the missmatch of the colors on luffy.... i forgor why the band is purple.... qjwjaj#the music.... slay#i might be getting the luffy worms again i feel so insane..... what do you mean the sky parted.... omg neko and inu.... KICK THEIR ASSES!!!!#luffy fighting kaido and he still has time to boss momo and yamato around ajdbaks and roast him too lmao#momo thinking about kinemon and kiku....#PEROSPERO AND JACK FINALLY!!!!!!!!! carrot omg..... pedro avenged ✔️ now fucking orichi.... how many heads does he have left.....#why is luffy turning supersayian aldjaksn#episode 1051#just saw trafalgay written on a comment and idk if its on purpose or a misspelling but thags so funny akshaksjaka#yamato and momo father-son bonding time <3 teaching him how to be a dragon... so sweet#also the race of people that could set themselves on fire on mariejoa??? kinda random dropping it in there but alas... ✍️✍️#zoro didn't want franky to help but there he goes.... out of onigashima... a good franky fart would have prevented that...#petition to rename coup de burst to franky fart. like why is it even in french. he is A YANKEE.#episode 1052#boy dragon sounds like boy genius. who wants to join my band
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randomly looked at this account to update my age and holy shit it's been a while since i posted here..........i have a small pile of art i have yet to post but hbhbshdbshbd too lazy
#part of it is that i haven't posted any of my recent art but in addition#i haven't made new art in a WHILE (abt 3 months) which is highly unusual for me but the reason for that is#3 months ago i suddenly remembered that i tried learning mandarin for three (3) days before forgetting about it for 9 months#(amusingly the reason why is not because of danmei......i did not even know danmei existed when i first decided to learn it)#anyways i have been insanely fixated on learning it for the past 3 months#however since art is primarily a way for me to process my interests and that only really be done when i'm fixated on media........well#let's just say i have not been making art at all#that might change soon tho#rn i'm reading 撒野 (saye) in chinese bc it's at a level i can read and i fucking love it so far#idk why i picked a book longer than svsss (which took me a week to read in english)...u would think there's no chance of me finishing it#or even reading it#especially when the only novel i've read before this is a chinese translation of the fucking magic finger by roald dahl LMFAO#but it's been a week and i'm a fifth of the way into it which i was not expecting at all#it was initially an exercise of “i will get as far as i can and try my best to read a chapter a day” but i've been zipping through chapters#last night i was up until 3 AM reading it and i was so tempted to read more but had to stop myself#of course this is all aided by pleco which lets me quickly look up words that i don't know yet. pleco ily#that being said...this all does mean i know words like 收銀台 before i even know the word for “orange” (the color) which is pretty funny#but idk considering that the sum of my time spent learning chinese is just 3 months..........i think i am doing pretty damn good#i thought it would be a LOT longer before i could finally start enjoying some interesting things#god but it really has been a while since i last read a high school romance...but i am quite fond of the leads and their respective baggage#sorry for the whole tag ramble.........i haven't really had anyone to talk abt this stuff with#oh also it's my birthday#that is why i am even here to update my age in the first place#happy lan wangji birthday#actually the only reason i realized it was gonna be my birthday soon is because i saw chinese artists posting lan wangji birthday fanart#and then remembered that we share the same birthday#also re: the art i haven't posted yet.........a good chunk of it is misvil fanart...song qingshi my beloved#and there's also a luo binghe drawn on an art app i PROGRAMMED MYSELF (!!!!!!!!!) in there#actually that piece is the main reason i haven't posted the art i HAVE made. how the fuck do i explain that i drew it on an app that i made#sorry this is genuinely the most off the rails tag ramble i've ever done. okay i'm done
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I JUST FINISHED REREADING LEGENDBORN AND STARTED BLOODMARKED LAST NIGHT AND COME ON HERE AND YOU'RE ALSO READING IT 😨😨 WE SYNCED
CLOWN TO CLOWN COMMUNICATION. OUR UNBREAKABLE BOND
#come talk to me when you finish bloodmarked I reread legendborn last night and got to the gala bit#that I'd completely forgotten about where bree says something about how her nick and sel are all bonded to each other#and like. combined that with bloodmarked as a whole but especially chapters 51 and 58#I am absolutely fucking certain I'll die on the polyamory hill like THEY ARE ALL FUCKING BONDED ALL 3 OF THEM IT'S CONSTANTLY REITIRATED#NO WAY SHE PICKS JUST ONE IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT#WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE POLY CODING. WHAT THE HELL.#every time I'm in the bathroom I start looking into the nearest mirror and start talking to myself crazily#about how actually fucking insane it is like I'm losing my mind tracy deonn what are you on can I take a hit#so yeah keep me posted on your reading progress lol#speaking of rereading legendborn though I'd forgotten just how mean nick and sel are to each other in the first book#and it was like. actually crazy to see that continue pretty much right up until the end bc they don't really get a chance for reconciliatio#and then to compare that with having also just recently finished bloodmarked#which is literally like. a complete fucking 180#idk if nick's month being kidnapped by his dad just gave him a lot of time to reflect or something#but he never has a genuinely bad thing to say about sel. like right from the start and his first appearances in bloodmarked#similarly for sel lmao#contrasted with the. everything in legendborn. like it's actually fucking crazy#what spending a month away from your magically bonded bro does to a mf#anyway. in regards to us always reading the same shit have you been keeping up with chloe gong's books?#bc I read foul lady fortune and last violent call earlier this week as well#ask#lyoshaland#hi lyosha!
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rant about life in the tags
#WHY IS EVERYTHING SO EXPENSIVE and i don't only mean groceries and cost of having a roof over my head because i kind of#made peace with that. not peace as in it's ok but as well. there is literally NOTHING i can do to change it so stressing about it makes no#sense at the moment. stressing about it won't fix it no matter how much i will stress about it . it just won't but it will ruin my health#even more. but. to the point. i wanted to visit my family in october because i have a few days off. and the prices. of travel. jesus christ#i get that the era of cheap flights is over i understand but trains should be a cheaper alternative because we're supposed to care about#climate something something. right? but noooo. trains are more expensive than even the expensive flights. makes no sense compels me tho#i also found a flight that lasts LONGER than the train and the cost is exactly the same. insanity.#i am also looking at flights and trains for christmas and ....... things are not looking good my friends. i have nooo idea how i will get#anywhere. anyway. everything sucks<3#personal
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i know everyone's probably noticed this already but i can't help myself. it makes me insane noticing the similarities between the m1 trio and the m2 trio.
like the way tommy has this innocent look to him, the way he moves, the way he's so expressive with his eyebrows and barely talks cause he's an awkward little guy. he keeps to his expressions because sometimes it's just impossible to find the right words. kinda like vito y'know, who kinda just stands there unsure what to say but he's got this goofy smug expression on his face. they both wanted security, and the safety of their family. they both risked it all to talk to someone who wasn't on their side but they ultimately trusted either way. they're the youngest, their hearts are the strongest, their fear is the strongest.
tommy couldn't kill billy, vito couldn't let leo die.
paulie's lived his life cracking jokes, but ensuring himself and others that when the time comes, he's always gonna come out on top. a lot like joe who has also had to rely on his confidence to make it out alive. they know their passion will only be understood by a specific group of people, therefore they're the ones they will fight for til the very end. to their friends they're the sun, they're bigger than life, they're a beautiful loving person who's never going to let them go. and so the whole world seems to dim when either of these guys stop being so happy, because it's their confidence that gets rid of whatever makes their friends scared, so they can't ever show any signs of fear. they can never fear death.
paulie couldn't pull the trigger on himself, joe couldn't pull the trigger on vito.
sam has to wake up everyday knowing death is looming over him, and is channelling through him to remind him of his possible fate. his world isn't about gentle touches or empathy, it's about earning respect. and a favour done for him is a favour he has to repay. all he does is consider and say what if? but knows he'll never make them a reality because it will burn him. he's a lot like henry, who also can't bear the thought of being so open towards his friends, because all this worrying over death has made them forget what life's all about. they are death like those who have led them, what could they ever possibly offer the two people they love the most that's brighter than the sun, or more heartfelt than an angel.
sam couldn't give up the chance to finally have a choice for once, henry couldn't give up the chance to repay all he's ever thought he owed.
tommy and vito both hide under the sun from death
paulie and joe try and stay as bright as they can because they can't bear the sight of their best friend being hurt
sam and henry stand and stare because the light keeps burning them, and they don't fully understand why
#good morning i am going insane#its 3am its time for me and my bad metaphors <3#god these damn blorbos make me insane#r#do i make sense. i sure hope so or else imma look stupid#i am actually losing it. i can't sleep. i haven't gone to sleep once#if i don't make sense thats why
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reasons why terzo needs to come back to life (bonus points if he comes back wrong and fucked up) include 1. he needs to sing life eternal 2. he needs to do the cirice thing again 3. he deserves to have 500000 outfits 4. i want nihil & sister & copia to shit their pants 5. it would be a cool story or whatever
#i don't. think it will happen. and i don't 100% Want it to happen. like 70% want it but not the point#but i HAVE been drawing him in a comes back (wrong?!) scenario and#i'm single handedly sparking joy for myself#so i want him back Maybe but only if it's exactly the way i'm imagining it if not he can stay in the dirt idc#oh nay#i also want vindication for when he moves his foot like it drives me INSANE THAT HE MOVES HIS FUCKING FOOT! AND FOR WHAT!#THERE BETTER BE A POINT TO THAT!#anyway i'm making him wear the vampire fucker outfit from the first draft of his design. i'm giving him horns & pointy ears. sexy neck scar#Of Course. he gets fangs. permanent claws. permanent blood from the scar. both eyes fucked up potentially. you know how it is#considering to make him look a liddol bit ghoul-ish bc In My Vision he made a deal w someone of them. possibly omega bc i am biased#make him come back singing pro memoria he'd be soooo sexy <3<3<3<3<3#tobias call me for your next brain storming session buddy for you i am dropping out of uni. anyday u need me i'm there for u bestie hmu
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ouagh menty illness hours
#ignore this im fine just. fuckign sick of it man#i don't feel like a real person who exists like 99% of the time it is insane how nonexistent i feel#and it makes it so difficult to do anything about anything that's a problem#like. i have so much wrong with me physically i should see a doctor about#and as for my brain. yeesh.#i promised my therapist i would look into seeing someone about ocd. havent done that yet#my anxiety is fine until it's not and then that's a whole fucking ordeal#big sad is marginally better but like im still too depressed to fucking do anything half the time so it's not great#i rly feel like i just sit in the back of my own head 99% of the time watching myself live#and then very occasionally im pulled into the driver's seat and it's like Fuck Me Im A Person With A Life When Did That Happen#i know how i got here but like how the fuck did i get here. whose fucking life is this#idk man i was supposed to be getting an early night but here i am 3 hours later lmfao#also im on a KILLER downer now the panto is over i actually wanna cryyyy i miss everyone so bad already#sobbing wailing clutching my chest staring into the middle distance etc#anyway i need to go to bed omg goodnight and im sorry if ur reading this <3#useless post#personal#edit: LMFAO TUMBLR JUST TRIED TO GET ME TO BLAZE THIS can u fucking imagine
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was up til 4 writing last night woohooooo :3
#just me hi#and i FINISHED what i was writing ! ! ! ! :DD#happy happy happy abt that lol !!#i was only like half-conscience for the last two full thirds of it (that's certainly an Experience btw lmfvshg) but it's not too bad either#i finished another short thing a couple months ago i think and i'd thought that was insane#turns out if you wanna get things done you just add easily achieved checkpoints. a thing i already knew but had not applied to writing ever#for some reason hkfsvhjg#like i finished it !! i finished the thang ! ! !#i rarely ever finish writing things cuz i don't think i have the network for that lolll - but i Did and ! ! ! :DD#and i didn't feel too bad waking up this morning so this is nothing but wins dude ! ! :D#ofc i'll have to go to bed earlier now tonight but yippeeee#i'm just really darn diddly pleased about it. yeah hbghfhs#//and what else..#drinkin strawberry lemonade rn !!! i love you strawberry lemonade houh <33#oouhhh one of my fave songs just came on hbghfs#wow i Am having nothing but wins today !! sick sick sick :D#//oh and since it's getting cooler i wanna go skating ! !#gotta mention that every now and then. i also love my skates hfbsh <3#they're crusted in mud (i am so sorry skates) cuz of that one time i hit the ditch (lmao) and i forgot to clean them so they've just been#Waiting for that Lol#i'll prolly get those cleaned later! hopefullyyyyyy gfhshv#yea also since i got bigger wheels than i'm used to (cuz i can't keep up w/ my siblings w/ dying wheezing lmfhsvhjg) i have to relearn some#stuff like it's Brand-brand new#but i Did master that one hill that spooked me (i went Flying dude i think it looked majestic hgkfsj) so we're making progress !! :D#hyped hyped hyped for thatttt#i miss that big empty lot in belle isle for this kinda thing but that's alright. tiny sidewalk we must join forces now#//i'm running out of tag space n i'm sposed to be doin stuff Hfhkhfjsv - toodles tooooodles :D !!
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and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do
#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and#not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work#i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a#while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and#atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless#everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles#every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling#exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But#itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking#sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good#days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and#im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can#donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to#be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and#hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care#but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to#and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and#happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality#type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so#upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for#them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep#any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to#be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh#and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this#is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh
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