#I am in a state of constant calm now for some reason

[sadruru]

OMG OMG I finally got a package from my best friend!

Sketchbook with art. Oh, my dear little girl 🤧 And a keychain with Woljif, bought from GERMANICH!!! (I didn't have the opportunity to buy it myself 😭 )

Small canvases with kids 🤲🏻💖💜

And many more wonderful things! 💘

What's inside the sketchbook?

Woljif's emotions!

Left to right:

"Pick your lamb!"

"Surprised, angry, saw the cherry roll, ate the cherry roll, saw something he shouldn't have, upset/confused, happy, not happy."

In the corners, Melissa and I ;D

And our kids from DnD and Pathfinder games. Maybe you recognise someone ✨

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction]

The funniest thing about the Trine series is that it’s slightly implied that Blue Jone is always just wearing the little dress robe and little to nothing else. Because I can just see one of the housekeepers coming up to us or Anselm saying “I get that you find him attractive like that, but can you please tell him to put some fucking pants on?”

I AM ABSOLUTELY WHEEZING!

Anselm Vogelweide x Blue Jones x afab!Reader • Rating: 18+ pals •  Masterlist•  ao3• want to be tagged? | request info •

•Trine Masterlist•

Summary: Anselm is told an honest truth.

Warnings: references to sexual activities, swearing, not beta read, please let me know if I have missed a warning!

Word Count: 700

It was no secret that Mary was Anselm’s favourite employee. She had been working for him for nearly 18 years and was one of the very few people whose opinion he held in high regard no matter the subject. 

So when she approached him in the billard’s room (which had been sans billiards for some years, yet still kept the name), he had been more than happy to drop what he was doing to speak with her. 

“Mr Vogelweide,” she started with an intake of breath.

“Oh, my dear Mary,” He puts his hands on her shoulders,” this simply must be something serious, because not only have you called me by my family name, but that distressed sigh right after,” he smiles and shakes his head. “Are you handing in your notice?” He pauses a little sadly, “Because I wish you no ill will if you are.” “No, Anselm,” Mary stresses his name and puts a hand over his. “This is about Mr Jones.”

Anselm’s expression falls immediately, a stern look clouding over his eyes. “What has he done? Has he been rude to you? I’ll-”

“No, no, no,” She holds her hands up quickly, “Nothing of the sort, he’s been very polite, very much the gentleman with all my staff.” 

Anselm nods, calming a little.

“This issue is more of a… personal nature. You see… some of my staff,” Anselm opens his mouth to interrupt and Mary gives him a look, “No, I will not tell you who, I’m not having you have a tantrum for no reason.” 

He closes his mouth and smiles broadly. 

She nods when she’s satisfied. “Mr Jones does have a… predisposition for a certain type of attire.”

“A certain type of attire?” Anselm grins.

“Or lack thereof,” Mary smiles back, “Just those silk robes I know you and Mrs Vogelweide gift him with.”

“Oh, I shall have to tell my love that she is in your poor graces as well, calling her Mrs Vogelweide.” Anselm puts a hand on his forehead dramatically and Mary tuts. 

“This is a formal conversation, so I am speaking formally, you know as well as I that I prefer her over you.” 

Anselm beams happily and nods. 

“Now, if we side step your silliness. The point of the matter is Mr Jones wearing those robes, that are, to put it politely, extremely short with nothing else underneath.” 

He nods, waiting for her to continue. 

“I know you both find him very attractive-”

“Do you not, Mary?” 

“You are not too old for a time out, Anselm.” 

“That sounds divine, my dear.” 

Mary tuts, scolding him softly. “I need to prep the staff to expect a practically naked man around the estate.” 

Anselm nods. “You want me to get him to cover up?” 

“I want you to let the staff know if he’ll be in a constant state of undress. Remember the phase you went through, oh 15 years ago? The orgeies almost every night and day, such a mess. But, we knew what was planned, and no one minded or cared, because they knew what to expect. And staff that didn’t feel comfortable, well, there weren’t any because why would they work here if they were? But if they had been, they would have been put on other duties.” 

Anselm nods again, “Concent.” 

“Exactly.” 

“Hmm, I do apologise for this foresight.”

“It’s not a problem.” 

“I will make sure the serving staff all get a bonus this month for the trouble.” 

Mary smiles, “That’s very kind of you.” 

“But tell me…” Anselm pauses, “Why didn’t you approach my wife first? I know you wouldn’t have had to deal with my teasing for that conversation.”

“Oh,” she chuckles, “Well, you see I did.”

Anselm quirks his eyebrow in interest.

“She asked me to ask you while she watches from outside the door,” Mary points to the slightly ajar door behind him. “She wanted to see if your answer was to her satisfaction.” 

“And if it isn’t?” 

You let the door open a little dramatically, smiling when your husband turns to look at you. “Punishment, of course, darling.” 

“Oh,” Anselm runs his hand over his beard, his eyes bright. “How delightful.” 

Thank you for reading!

[discount-shades]

Sleepy Baby Part 8

a/n: For whatever reason the tags are not working for this. I do not know if or when it will be fixed.

Pairing: Jake “Hangman” Seresin X reader

Warnings: PG-13 Sexy times

Word Count: 1800 ish

Summary: Jake and Kisses define their relationship.

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“Hangman, take your girlfriend and go.” Bradley’s words made your brain stutter. Being asked to leave wasn’t surprising. You had misrepresented your poker skills to get in on the weekly poker game and with everyone putting up a $100 buy-in you were leaving happy with a very full wallet. 

While you and Jake did almost everything as a couple neither of you had broached the topic of defining your relationship. The two of you were currently in relationship limbo and to make it more complicated you haven’t even had sex yet and not for a lack of trying on your part. Masking your surprise at being referred to Jake's girlfriend, you laughed. “G’night Brad Brad, This was fun, we should do it again!” 

“You are never coming to poker night again.” He tells you, laughing. “I’d blame Hangman but he looks just as surprised to be hustled.” You glance at Jake and he is looking at you like he was just hit on the head. When you catch his eye he smiles at you, but not with his regular cocky grin, but with one that was more unsure. You try to smile back reassuringly but you can tell his reaction is not about the poker game and it is making you nervous. Jake usually just laughs whenever you beat him at something. 

After your goodbyes you walk hand in hand to Jake's truck and he opens your door for you and helps you in like always. The constant door opening took a little getting used to. You always let him help you in but your impatience never lets you wait in the truck long enough for him to open the door to let you out. This was something you constantly teased each other over but tonight he is silent. 

You are halfway home before Jake speaks. “We are more than friends. We’re dating right? I mean, I am your boyfriend, and you are my girlfriend, and we are official right?” Jake is rambling and stumbling over his words. “Because we never talked about it and I just sort of assumed.…” He is so different from his usual calm collected self and you are immediately relieved now that you know what was bothering him. 

“If we’re not dating I have some questions about how you treat your friends,” you look at his profile as he drives. You can see the relief hit him as he looks between your face and the road. His cocky grin is back in place and you find yourself smiling in return. 

Jake reaches over for your hand and places a kiss on the back. “Yours or mine?” He asks, rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand.

“Yours.” Ever since the first night you had spent together you had been sleeping at each other's place almost every night. Toothbrushes in each other's bathrooms had arrived first, quickly followed by changes of clothing. Jake had even gone out and bought your brand of shampoo and conditioner. 

“So you are really good at poker,” Jake states it like a question. “When were you going to tell me?”

“I don’t usually tell people. I like to let them find out organically,” you respond. 

“You mean when you hustle them out of all their money.” 

“Yeah, I am a couple hundred dollars richer after tonight.” You look over at him grinning. “I like my method of letting people find out.”

“More than a couple, Jake interjects, “and one hundred of that is mine.”

“Was yours, Mine now.” you correct him and he just rolls his eyes and kisses the back of your hand again, always the gentleman.

When you finally walk through Jake’s door you turn to him and wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him. At first Jake kisses you back, deepening the kiss but as you lean your body into his he gently backs off. The passionate kiss turns chaste and more respectful and you can barely contain your groan as he gives you one last kiss and walks further into his house. 

This had been going on for over a week. Jake would hug you, kiss you, and hold you but he never let it get any farther. He still flirted with you but would never follow through with what he said. Whenever you had brought it up he would always say he would go at your speed. 

At first you had tried to be subtle, slowly deepening his gentle kisses and tracing your hands along the muscles of his arms and chest. When that didn't work you had been less subtle, guiding his hands from your lower back to your ass. All that had gotten you was the fact that now he would grab or smack your ass randomly throughout the day. 

A few days ago you had asked him to give you a massage and stripped to some cute lace panties and laid on his bed. All you had ended up with was a really good massage. When you had offered to return the favor he had fallen asleep as you straddled his ass and rubbed the tension out of his muscles. Gazing down at him as he slept, peacefully, the idea of smothering him with a pillow crossed your mind. You had never been so frustrated in your life. 

So when Jake sat down on the couch with a video game controller you were done being subtle. You grabbed the bag you had brought over the day before and went into the bathroom. There you began to dress in the lacy lingerie set you had bought. Heart pounding the whole time. You wanted Jake and you were sure he wanted you, but you had never had to be the one to initiate things before. Today that would have to change.

Staring in the mirror you checked your reflection for any tags you forgot to remove and fixed your makeup. With a final fluff of your hair you take a deep breath and walk barefoot back to the living room wearing nothing but the lacy bra and panties. You walk around the corner and try to lean casually against the wall. “Hey Jake,” you say, watching him play his game, “I’m going to bed, you coming?” 

“I’ll be a few minutes.” He doesn’t even look your way. You almost stomp your foot in frustration. 

You walk further into the room and lean on the back of the loveseat. “Are you sure you don't want to join me now?” 

Again he does not look at you, “I just want to beat this mission then I’ll be in.”

You grab a cushion off the back of the loveseat and walk up to Jake and hit him in the face with it. His startled response is cut short when he finally looks at you. His eyes go wide and his mouth drops open. 

“Do I have your attention now, Jacob?” He nods in response to your question, pausing his game and throwing the controller on the coffee table. “Good because I have been trying to give you hints for well over a week now and it has not been working so this is me being direct. I want to have sex with you, Jake Seresin.”

“I was trying to be a gentleman,” he says, eyes raking your body with an intensity you can feel. “I didn’t want you to feel pressured and that I only want you for sex.”

“And I appreciate that, but right now I need you to keep the gentleman in the streets and not in the sheets.” You are now standing directly in front of Jake and he can't take his eyes off you. “Now I am going to go into your bedroom and I’m going to crawl into your bed and have an orgasm. It is up to you whether you are with me or not.”

Jake’s green eyes darken in desire and before you can turn to leave Jake surges forward and pulls you down so that you are straddling his lap. He tangles his hand in your hair, holding you still. “Kisses, all you had to do was ask.” His voice is hoarse and he leans forward and molds his lips to yours. The kiss is frantic and overwhelming in a way you have never felt from Jake. His lips leave yours only to trail down your neck before returning. 

His hands are everywhere, running down your spine, caressing your thighs and cupping your ass, and urging you to roll your hips into him. You cling to his shoulders and run your hands down his biceps. You gasp into his lips as he stands with you in his arms and carries into the bedroom.

-    -

You are wrapped in Jake's arms, legs tangled together and you can not help grinning at how well your evening has gone. “I guess we know how a date where I wear lingerie goes,” you say grinning up at him. His cheeks pinken slightly.

“I’m sorry I ripped it,” he says bashfully, causing you to grin even more at the difference between the blushing Jake in front of you and the man who ripped your clothes off earlier. 

“I’m not,” you say gazing into his eyes. “It served its purpose.” 

Jake leans down and kisses you tenderly, gently caressing your cheek. He leans back and watches your face until you open your eyes and look up at him. “Kisses, I’m in love with you.” You can feel your heart skip a beat at his words and a nervous energy floods your body. “I know you are not ready to say it back,” he continues as he gently rubs his thumb over your cheek, his eyes searching yours. “But I've been waiting to say it and I think you are ready to hear it, even if you’re not ready to say it back.” He leans down and kisses you again and you find yourself getting lost in the intimacy of his kiss, knowing he is right.

When he raises his head to look at you, you can’t help teasing. “You did that backwards.”

He rolls his eyes with a cheeky grin. “No, I’m pretty sure I got it right. You came twice and I came once,” he shrugs. “Seems like the perfect ratio to me.”

“Ok, first off don’t limit yourself, there is always room for improvement on your ratio.” you laugh at his offended look. “Second, I was talking about telling me you love me.” You begin to run your fingers through his hair. “You are supposed to do that first to convince the woman to have sex with you. You did it after.”

“I didn’t want you to think it was contractual.” He says kissing you sweetly before abruptly flipping you onto your back. “But since you brought it up, I guess we have to do it again.” he says, winking at you. “After all, I need to work on my ratio.” His lips move down your body and your laughter quickly turns to gasps of pleasure.

[beanghostprincess]

Bean please spitball with me and think about what a canon divergence where Buggy and Shanks fight never happened would look like.

It’s integral to the story and the characters that those two split up, but let’s just entertain the idea that those two hugged it out crying in the rain for a bit, went someplace safe an when Shanks somberly stated he can’t go look for the One piece just yet, Buggy’s emotions were calm enough that he asked “You’re not gonna do it?” “Not yet…” “When?” “Someday… not yet.” And Buggy shot Shanks a glare but still said “Okay.” What would that be like?

Personal headcanons in no particular order

Buggy isn’t Shanks Co-captain or even second in command. The title he affiliates himself with would most likely be something like “demolitions expert” or “bursar” , but he still has issues with being less than Shanks, so he won’t share a title with him or a position that may indicates he’s “option number two”, so Ben is still the official first mate in a way (it’s more like a shared position between Buggy and Ben tough if you’d be completely honest, but more on that later)

Buggy constantly claims or threatens that he’s gonna get his own ship one day and that he’s only hiding his time. Nobody falls for it anymore.

There is still some of Buggy’s insecurity shining trough and there is lots of conflict they don’t adress, because Buggy STILL wants Shanks to follow their captains wishes but also still wishes HE could have been that person himself. Lots of unresolved angst.

For some reason I feel like he and Ben would get along surprisingly well. Ben being one of the few people except Shanks who can see trough Buggy’s theatrics and knows how to encourage his strengths and compensate his weaknesses, and Ben being someone Buggy legitimately respects and someone he rarely even gets into an argument with. Buggy saying something in response to something Shanks says and Ben agreeing with BUGGY rather than Shanks is actually not that uncommon. There’s lots of times these two actually are the idea guys together… unless Buggy and Shanks are just fighting for fighting sake with each other, in which case Ben will be firmly in possession of the brain cell until these two get their heads running at a normal temperature again.

Buggy and Shanks staying together may make Shanks seem actually a tad more short tempered and quick to annoy than he is in canon, but it’s ONLY with Buggy. There are some deep friendships on his crew, but them not having to split like this just solidified the friendship they had as children. They fight waaaay more over stupid shit than they would in a setting where they reunited after they split, where Shanks usually is the more laidback and forgiving one despite Buggy’s abrasive personality. In this setting Shanks would take almost EVERY single bait Buggy laid out for him, get into arguments over the stupidest shit and do petty stuff to Buggy even if Buggy was actually completely and 100 percent in the right about something. You put these two into a room together and there I’ll just be a point where they are both fighting like dumb teenagers, but it’s clear the only reason they can do so is because they both were dumb teens together and actually know and love each other more than anyone else could even imagine. They rarely think much about how lucky they are to have each other because that’s a constant. It would be like saying “I am glad I can see the horizon.” Because the Horizon is always THERE? You’d only realize something would be missing when you’d realize that there suddenly was too much ocean and somehow not enough sky. It’s something you can’t even wrap your head around and you don’t have to , it’s a rhetorical question. A thought piece to mull about rather than an actual possibility. Pff. Splitting up. In which universe?

You don't get to send me this and kill me, anon. You don't get to do this. Because now I am very soft and also sad because I want these two to be together and happy again. Auch. These are all amazing headcanons and,, It's so real.

Buggy is Shanks' specialest guy, actually. That's his title. They're each other's special guy. The term you were actually looking for is boyfriend, but perhaps it's just my Shuggy heart speaking. Leaving romance aside, yeah, specialest boy. Benn and Buggy get along together because they're actually pretty smart and logical people and since Shanks is more emotion-oriented, they're the ones making the important decisions. Shanks probably ends up choosing where they go next or who they're fighting, but the actual important stuff is carried by Buggy and Benn. Great team. They also complain about Shanks' unhealthy habits together, because in this timeline I think he'd also have some issues. Look at him. He can't be mentally stable.

Shanks and Buggy would be the closest thing ever. And that's dangerous. When they're happy, they're extremely annoying and won't stop pulling pranks on people (Benn) because they're literally 5-year-olds. And when they're angry, they make it everyone's problem. They won't stop arguing for silly things, but isn't that the beauty of trust? They just are so direct with one another. It's a funny picture. They keep saying they can't stand each other and then they will find them sleeping together, tangled up and drunk and quite obviously happy. The thing you said about them,,, Being so used to each other they don't think about how lucky they are,,, Jumping off a bridge, thank you.

Also!!!!!!!! There are a lot of things I want to address, like how they'd deal with Buggy's inferiority complex and the fact that I think Shanks wouldn't stop insisting on sharing the goddamned hat if he's still mad about that. But!!!!!!!! I wanna focus on Uta because that's the thing I often think about when I talk about this AU.

Uta appears in their lives and Shanks instantly goes "No, yeah, we have to keep this child. I am her father now." and Buggy wants to say no, because it's just stupid and dangerous and how are they going to do that being pirates! But,,, Looking at her, Buggy just adores this baby. She's the cutest, brightest thing in the world. Brighter than Shanks. And he just has the need to protect her forever. He thinks about Roger and Rayleigh and, well, huh, maybe they keep the legacy going. With Buggy, I think they would never have left Uta alone and they would've taken her with them. They would've protected her anyway. And she would've stayed being their daughter!! And just,, Just think about Luffy. About Buggy meeting Luffy and Luffy just LOVING his Devil Fruit. Buggy has no reason to hate the kid, either. Buggy just says Shanks is perhaps growing too attached to the bastard. When Shanks loses his arm, he also has to deal with Buggy yelling at him for like a whole month. And then Buggy giving him the silent treatment. And also Buggy throwing knives at him. And Buggy telling Benn to talk with him instead. Buggy just cares so much about Shanks and refuses to admit it out loud. He wants the redhead to apologize for worrying him, but Shanks doesn't do it. He says he's sorry, yes, about worrying him, but he doesn't regret saving Luffy or giving him the hat. Yadda yadda yadda, idiots. They make up.

And idk man I think they would've been such a powerful duo together. Of course they would end up fighting for the issues they have, but,,, Idk. In this timeline, I think they would not leave each other's side. Also, they have a daughter. They are so not leaving Uta until she says she wants to go have her own life.

[aureliqs]

Always there to help

pairing: tasm!Peter Parker x y/n

content: fluff, angst, light descriptions of wounds, blood, violence and pain

summary: Peter has already been acting weird all week, even weirder than usual. Y/n decided to ignore it in the hopes of Peter just having a stressful week. As y/n was peacefully sleeping on a weekend night she awoke in a shock. Someone was frantically knocking on her window. Was she about to be robbed, or even worse?

I awoke in terror. What is that noise. Is someone trying to brake in? As my eyes had slightly adjusted to the darkness around me, I could make out a silhouette on my window. How can someone be at my window on the fifth floor, and why my window out of all of them. „Okay calm down“ I’m thinking to myself while I try to slow my breathing. I can’t use hyperventilation right now. Why is my week this shitty?

I stand up from my bed and creep my way to the window for a good look, while trying to not get the intruders attention. As I’m trying to make out their face, I notice a big scratch along their cheek, that is dripping blood. Wait… he seems so familiar…

Then the realisation hit. It’s Peter. As my eyes scanned him further I recognised what he was wearing. A spider suit ? This has to be a bad bad joke.I rush to the window to let him. He needs help, and I need answers.

I slide up my old wooden window, and I just see Peter leaning against the wall, heavily breathing while sliding in and out of consciousness.

“Peter…Peter are you alright?!” I say while I touch his shoulder. Peter is slowly drifting back to consciousness, but he seems very breathless. I can hear his heart pounding, as if he has just run for his life. His breathing is so heavy his chest is heaping up and down. The wounds kind off solidify that guess of mine. Whatever was after him definitely nearly got him, and it wasn’t just a round of playing catch.

All Peter can mutter is a “mhhhh”, while he is falling into my room as he can’t hold himself up anymore. “Peter hold on, we’re gonna lay you down” I say to him, as I swing his arm around shoulder and heap him to my bed. He is really heavy, and his weight is nearly crushing me. As I lay him down he nearly faints again. I shake him a bit to make him stay with me.

I sit down next to him. “How are you feeling?”, to which he just mutters a “I …I’m fine I just need a moment… or several”, along with a slight chuckle. Even on the brink of fainting he’s still being sarcastic, which makes me grin a bit. That means he can’t be to bad off, or at least lethally injured. He’s been acting so weird all week, but I didn’t expect being Spider-Man was the culprit behind it all.

I use my time to scan Peter further. I can’t see anything wrong with the spider suit, except for a slightly bloody scratch on his back. As for bruises, I can’t say due to the suit coverage. The scratch on his right cheek looks quite rough, and is still bleeding, and he’s got some dirt on his face. I should take care of that in a second. As I was getting lost in my own thoughts, Peter began to mutter something again…

“Listen y/n.. I am so so sorry I dragged you into …” Peter was still so breathless, he took a tremendous breath and continued.

“This…”

“ I am so sorry I dragged you into all of this..this”

His voice was shivering so much, I could hear the guilt, regret and desperation in it. I was almost tearing up. Seeing Peter like this was heartbreaking. I did have feelings for him, I still do. I was just kind off giving up on it at this point. All the random disappearances, the quit bad lays to cover up something, I just didn’t know what, and his constant state of stress. I was just loosing my hopes. I didn’t even know what could be behind it, but I certainly didn’t except the reason would be him being Spider-Man.

I put my arm around Peter and hugged him. The last thing he needs right now is guilt. “Peter… please don’t worry about it… you and your health are more important right now than anything…”

“I don’t know why I deserve you. I never wanted to drag you into any of this. I .. just didn’t know where to go. My aunt can’t know, she just can’t. I’ve never been injured like this before ….”. I interrupted Peter, before he could go on rambling.

“It’s alright. Calm down, breathe and I’m gonna get you some first aid. We’re in luck my Mom’s on her work trip”. Peter laid down since I went on my quick search for first aid. Thank god Peter crashed here when my Moms on her work trip. I wouldn’t want to deal with that. I’ve found our old and not really up to date first aid kid, which will be enough.

I’ve approached my room again, and Peter looked much calmer already. I can barely hear his heavy breathing anymore. “Peter can you please sit up. I need to disinfect your wounds. Let’s start with your back”. Peter sat straight up without protest or saying anything. I could quit nearly feel his head rumbling with thoughts about what to do or even just say now, but I thought I might give him some peace. It must be very hard for him right now.

As I tapped the disinfectant onto his back Peter flinched and I could hear him trying to quit himself. “Are you alright?” I ask.

“Yeah yeah, I love the burning sensation of alcohol on my back” as he bit his lower lip in agony. As soon as I started I was finished with the wound on his back.

“Peter …please turn around…”. Now about the hard part for me. We still haven’t talked about what just happened, and why it happened …and everything else. After Peter started acting even weirder than usual, and I thought I couldn’t put up with it anymore…I lost hope. I loved the tension between us and now … I feel like the tension is coming back. Why is all of this so complicated.

As I am looking into Peters eyes I remember why I am in love with him. These deep brown eyes, that are filled with more compassion and kindness than stars in the universe. “As I am holding the disinfectant I open my mouth to speak but don’t. I don’t know what to say. Peter is doing the exact same thing. It’s been ages since we’ve just looked at each other.

“Y/n…” Peter begins but then pauses. Peter is still lost for words. “I’m Spider-Man, alright I’m just stating the obvious here” he stops himself and chuckles.

“I’m gonna be all honest with you now. It’s all on the table… I owe you an apology. I tried nothing but to keep you safe, but I shouldn’t have neglected you like that. I need to stop Lizard… I mean Dr. Connor. He mutated himself and he has big plans. I’ve been after him all week. He’s a huge threat. I don’t know his exact plan just yet, but it’s something about mutating all of New York. I’ve located him and tried to look what he’s up to. Before I could leave he noticed me, and I had to flee. It was so close. For a moment I thought this was it… but it wasn’t. I didn’t know where else to go.”

Peter’s eyes began to tear up. “I didn’t want you to be a part of this y/n… this freak show. Now it is too late for that. Please promise me you’ll stay out of it. Stay safe. For me…please”. As he was saying it, he took my hand, and moved his thumb over my palm. All my resentment and hurt was blown away by that. Sure, it is a lot to take in. Your potential boyfriend being Spider-Man wasn’t on my list of expectations or reasons for his behaviours. He was being so honest with his feelings right now, and he told me the truth of what happend to him tonight. I am just so glad he isn’t hurt. I tighten my grip on his hand.

“Peter…I understand… I’ve been hurt about how you have treated me. I didn’t know what was behind it. I understand… how unbelievably stressed you must have been. Well, you being Spider-Man wasn’t really my first go to thought. To be honest with you.. I thought you’ve just lost interest in me and tried to ghost me in a way…”

“Y/n… “ Peter took a moment to think. “Thank you for being this understanding really. I trust you a lot. I wouldn’t have come to you otherwise.”

“I really appreciate that” I gave back. “Youre gonna stay here tonight. You need to rest… before you end that lizard thingy.”

“Thank you…” Peter replied. I’ve noticed we’ve pretty much said everything that needed to be said, so it was time for his wound. I gently tap the disinfectant onto his right cheek, to which he flinches again. After I’m done I stand up, go to my drawer and find him some oversized sweatpants and shirt that hopefully fit.

Peter changed into his my clothes which were fitting but one could see it wasn’t really the size he should be going for. Peter stilled to think, and then proceeded to say “I’ll sleep in your living room couch if your mom is gone anyways.”

“…actually, you can stay with me if you want”

“Is that really okay?” Peter looked at me quit shocked.

“Yes please… I was so scared when I saw you like that… and it was quite a lot to take in. Please stay… for my sake” I felt myself growing a bit red from embarrassment.

Peter smiled slightly, and made his way to my bed. “It’s really sweet that you want me to stay with you.”

As we both laid down on my bed, faces opposite of each other, we just stared at one another. I could feel myself drifting to sleep gain…

“Y/n?”

“Yeah…” I more off yawned then said.

“I’ve missed you … a lot”

“I’ve missed you too, Pete. Good night”

“Good night y/n, thank you for everything”

I’ve drifted to sleep very fast, and I’m sure Peter did too after this whole lizard disaster. I’m glad I’ve got him back in my life again.

Let me know what y’all think. Feedback and prompt are happily seen in my inbox <3

[tellars]

life update:

1. I've been really enjoying the new life series, wild life, and i think I'm falling back into this fandom : ) i'm currently watching double life from Jimmy's POV and I'm planning to watch secret life soon since i kind of skipped it for different reasons. it's been therapeutic and calming to me to watch all of these videos and i think i should probably watch hermitcraft...

2. last week i decided that I'm taking a proper vacation from art and posting. I had a bad relationship with social media for years and this month it finally boiled over. it's quite difficult to be an artist in an oversaturated market, trying to manage your socials, create stuff and do it consistently. i decided that it's not for me as of right now and this vacation I'm taking time to sleep well and do stuff I wanted to do for a long time. currently I'm sewing a plushie for myself, watching the POV's of life series I haven't watched yet, reading, writing and playing videogames. most importantly, I'm trying my best not to be in my past mindset of "I need to do Things" and it's so nice to finally breathe out. I took up writing again, but I'm doing it at my own leisure, so it's just nice to write and write without deadlines. usually I used to write things in one sitting or at least try to finish them in a couple of days, but here I'm just putting a couple of sentences each day, leaving it be and then coming back when I feel like it. no one's rushing me, and I'm not gonna rush myself anymore. I know that this should be an obvious thing that you shouldn't work yourself until you burn out, but it's always been difficult for me to differentiate when I'm nearing this state of burnout. so I'm just resting now. this week too.

3. I've started learning GDScript for Godot! like, right before my "vacation". i had dabbled in programming in the past, but didn't quite understand a lot of it. i was (and still am) worried that at some point GDScript will be something I'm not able to understand, but so far it didn't happen. I'm learning the very basics for now (like, what are variables and constants) so I hope the detailed explanations will help me along the way.

4. since I'm on vacation(tm) I will be inactive this week and maybe next week too. I don't know how long I want this rest to be, but it's a long needed one. when I'm back I will certainly let you all know, and I will be back with a lot of new stuff : ) and energy, yeah. even though I don't have a large audience here (nor anywhere else) I still wanted to explain my past and future absence. you know, to remind you that I'm alive and I'm still here haha.

well, i guess that's it for now. last thing i wanted to show you is my monochrome syndrome tattoo that i got back in 2021. back then i said that i got it because i was finally committing to MS, but at the time i physically couldn't - I was still studying and uni was not easy for me. through years the tattoo kind of just was there, I've gotten really used to it as if it was part of my skin since forever. however, recently when looking at it I thought "this is the reason I should go on. to finish what I started". MS was there for me for almost half of my life and I think making this story a reality is truly one of the reasons I live for. just decided to share this here. hope you're having a good day/evening, take care < 3

[lostinlewis]

The Edge...

Rating: M

Words: 2887

There are many things you love about Lewis, from his kind heart, to his inability to be anything less than the most competitive person in a room at any time, but one reason is very special to you, one reason stands out more than most, it is the one thing about him that only you really see, that one thing you have never shared with anyone else, and you probably never will; his constant craving for you and his inability to ever hide it.  

Lewis knew when he met you that both of your career paths would make a relationship incredibly difficult, but another thing you loved about him was that despite any adversity, if he wanted something he would make sure he got it; you were no exception. 

Your job meant you had to be in early morning, and sometimes you wouldn’t get home until after his bedtime, he would always wait up for you though, even if it was with only one eye open as he struggled to stay awake, he would be there to make sure you came home to him safe. 

His job meant he would leave you for days, sometimes weeks at a time, to travel all over the world, yet one thing never lessened, no matter the distance between you, he was still just as hungry for you, sometimes more; the miles apart only added to the want within him. 

Lewis’ name flashing up on your phone screen always gave you butterflies in your tummy, and as you sat at your desk, preparing for a meeting only minutes away now, his name was exactly what you needed to see to calm your nerves. 

“Hey Baby.”

You knew just from those two little words, his tone of voice told you everything, Lewis was horny. Again. 

“Hello you, you sound…tormented.” 

You always teased him with the knowledge of his excitement, you couldn’t help it. Lewis almost always had the control in your relationship yet he had certainly met his match when it came to you and he thrived on the challenge that you gave him. He knew that sometimes, in very few moments, you would take the reins and there was not one thing he could do about it. This was one of those moments. 

“I am…I miss you, I can’t wait to see you.” 

“You can’t wait to see me or you can’t wait to fuck me?” 

The curse word was said in a whisper, you were careful of any ears that may be listening just the other side of your office wall, but ultimately you were unable to stop yourself. 

“Both…but right now, I miss that sweet little pussy of yours more than anything.”

Hearing him say words a girl could only dream of, words so raw with an emotion so natural, coming from him, made you tingle and your eyes roll with desire. 

“Lewis, it’s only been a few hours since we played…shouldn’t you be getting some rest before your race?” 

Before you had even left for work this morning Lewis called you, the conversation went much the same as this one, except this morning he was already in the middle of playing with himself when you answered. 

“I can’t help it, I need you now.” 

You giggled at the sweetness in his pathetic admission. He really was led by his dick when it came to you, and the longer he had to wait for a release, the more obvious the path it led him down was.

“Well I guess I should help you out a little…”

You quickly stood up to close your blinds, as if they would block out any noise at all, before finding your seat once more, but this time as you sat down, you felt the pooling of excitement in your panties. 

Sitting down in a pool of wetness was a common occurrence now that you were with Lewis. He always kept you in an almost constant state of horniness, even without really trying, all you had to do was look at him and your mind would run wild with thoughts entirely inappropriate for your surroundings. 

“How are you going to help me, baby?” 

You had precisely seventeen minutes until you had to be in the meeting room, you knew you were cutting it fine but when Lewis needed something, Lewis would get it, there was nothing you could do to fight your need to please him at all times; you would sacrifice almost anything for his pleasure, your job included. 

“We’re going to make you feel good. Now don’t be shy, get it out.” 

Your crude words were no longer hidden, no longer did you care if anyone could hear you, that was a matter you would deal with later, your main priority now was Lewis’ aching for you and you had no patience with your words. 

“It’s already out, it’s in my hand and fuck, is it throbbing for you.” 

“Is that so? Now you need something to watch, make it something nasty too.”

“How about that video we made last weekend in New York?” 

You giggled at the memory of just how wild that weekend was. Alcohol, the nastiest sex of your life; you had barely spent the weekend empty of his cum, just the way you liked it. The knowledge that he held the footage of that very weekend on his phone was both parts scary and exciting; anyone could see the both of you lose control, all it took was a lost phone or an accidental sending of the video to someone, but the reward far outweighed the risk. 

“Not us, put some real porn on. I want you to watch strangers fuck.” 

There was silence for a moment as Lewis fumbled with the screen of his iPad, quickly finding exactly what he wanted to watch in his weary state, before propping you up on the pillow next to him. 

“Now play with yourself…”

Lewis needed little encouragement, the throbbing of his dick made it so the relief from the slow strokes of his palm only settled his cravings for you just a little, just enough to make it more tolerable.

“What can you see?” 

He cleared his throat as if suddenly vulnerable to the thought of you hearing him in a moment so very intimate, yet his little moan he let out after, told you how much he enjoyed being on show for you, in some form anyway.

“She’s on all fours…head buried in the sheets, he has her hands held behind her back…ugh…”

If you could have bottled the way his voice sounded, made it so it was permanently in that tone, it would have been that voice exactly. Husky, both pleasure and desire made it so the gravel in his voice was telling, and nothing turned you on more. 

“Just how I like it, isn’t it?”

“Yes baby, just how you like me fucking you…fuck, this is torture. Can I fly you out here tonight please?” 

His voice was a whine now, you could hear the way he was tortured by his ever growing need of release mixed with the fact that nothing he did to himself was quite enough to satisfy the urge he had for you. Only you knew how to please him, better than anything he could ever do to himself, that was the power you held over him, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“You know I can’t do that babe, you can wait a little longer. Now tell me what you see, tell me how he is making her feel good.” 

“She can barely open her eyes now, he has brought her all the way up to him so he can kiss her while he fucks her.” 

You found yourself unable to hold back from reaching below your desk, opening your legs and running a finger over the outline of your panties. The damp material of your panties made you smirk, it was incredible how Lewis turned you on so easily. 

“Is he as big as you, Lewis? Is he making her ache with how wide he is stretching her open?” 

“Fuck baby, if you keep talking like that I am going to forget the race tomorrow and fly straight home to bury my dick in you tonight.”

“Oh, am I making this difficult for you?”

“Very…ugh…very very difficult baby.” 

Lewis had no idea that with every moan he let out, the more tempting it became for you to forget your meeting completely and just let your actions be led by the burning desire you had within you. 

“So I shouldn’t tell you that I just felt how wet I am from hearing you? I shouldn’t tell you that I am imagining you stroking your dick and how much I wish I was knelt in front of you, tasting you, as you grab my hair and force your dick down my throat so hard it hurts?”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…that was close.”

“Did you stop yourself for me?” 

“I did, but fuck that was so hard this time.” 

“Thank you, it will be worth it, I promise.”

Lewis was now so accustomed to the games you played whilst he was away that he did exactly what you wanted without you even having to ask him. Whilst Lewis was most definitely the more dominant of you two, it did not stop you toying with him, it did not stop the lines of control blurring sometimes, it was something you both enjoyed and something that came so very natural to you both it took no effort or no thought behind the everyday scenes that played out and they played out so perfectly. 

“I have seven more minutes until I have to be in a meeting, use them wisely.” 

“I’m stroking myself again, watching her ride him and she reminds me of you so much. She’s good, she is using his dick just for her own pleasure, exactly how you do.” 

“You like it when I do that, don’t you? You like being used as my toy?”

“More than anything…I love feeling your pussy rock against my dick as you lose control.” 

“Lewis, I can hear how close you are, don’t spoil it now.” 

“I won’t baby…I won’t, I’m saving it all for you.” 

You pictured him laid out on the bed, naked but for the beads of sweat that covered his beautiful skin, making it glow even more than usual. He was straining to hold back his release, you could hear that in his voice alone. With the hand not wrapped around his dick, he would rub it over his chest first, tickling the stubble of his shaved chest hairs before he played with his beard, and catching his forehead once out of his lips escaped a moan he could not hold back. 

You had only caught Lewis pleasuring himself once, but that image was forever burned in your mind, it was by far the hottest thing you had ever seen, and as you shared moments like this, it helped you complete a picture of the man at the other end of the phone. 

“I can’t wait to be covered in it all, I can’t wait for you to be so desperate for that sweet release that you fuck me so hard I struggle to walk for a few days.”

“I will baby, I swear. I’m going to ruin you. Do something for me?” 

“Anything…”

“Run a finger through your pussy, let me hear how wet you are.” 

The squelching sounds of your wetness rang through the phone as you did just as you were told, you slid two fingers inside yourself to really make him hear it. You could hear how much he enjoyed it as he moaned so loudly you could hear it still, despite the phone now being at your waist.

“Good girl, now taste yourself…”

You brought your finger up to your lips, sucking on the finger with just enough effort to make sure Lewis heard it all. He was now so worked up he could do nothing about his constant heavy breaths, his little groans, the burn at your core was almost unbearable now, and you knew his was even worse. You admired his ability to hold back from his release, knowing you almost definitely would not be able to do the same right now. 

“You taste sweet, don’t you? Now push them down your throat…”

You followed his instructions so well, feeling further back with your finger, something he had done so many times before with his own. 

“That’s it, baby…keep going…let me hear it…”

You pushed so far back in your throat, your lipstick staining the part of your fingers that it normally stained on Lewis; you always left his finger tattoos with a deep red tint. 

“Mmm there it is, my favourite sound. I swear, the moment I am home I am going to make you gag until there are tears running down that pretty face.” 

“Shit I have to go, Lewis.”

A knock on your office door made you remove your fingers in panic, knowing that there would be absolutely no way to explain what you were doing to yourself in that moment, had you been caught. 

“Baby, you better catch your breath before you leave the room, everyone will wonder what is wrong with you otherwise.”

Lewis’ naughty giggle was loud, he was teasing you about the state he had brought you to, knowing that you now knew exactly how he felt, knowing that you would spend your meeting thinking of nothing but how bruised your throat felt after he had fucked it. 

“Safe race today please.”

“I’m always safe, go kill your meeting.” 

“I always do.”

There was a silence for a moment, both of you lingering in the air of your individual successes whilst you fought against an overwhelming desire. Neither one of you wanted to say goodbye first.

“Oh and Lewis…”

“Yes baby?” 

“Do not cum, I’ll know.”

His giggle was breathy, tired, as much as he loved being in control, there was something about the way you commanded him that made his dick twitch in his hand. 

“I know you will. Don’t worry, I’m saving it all for you my love.” 

“Good boy.” 

You only ever got away with calling him that when he absolutely could not argue back against it, and you hanging up the phone the moment you said it meant that he definitely couldn’t now. 

Your meeting was in full swing when you noticed your phone light up on the desk beside your notes, Lewis’ name again, but this time it was a message. You tried to ignore it, fought against your urge to know what it said, but you still hadn’t recovered from your call with him. You gave into your desire, and the moment you did, you immediately knew it was a mistake. 

Have you ever seen an image so mind melting that it takes you a few minutes to really take it in? This was one of those images. 

As your colleague rambled on with words that you were paying absolutely no attention to now, you stared down at the screen in front of you. 

You had seen the dick in front of you a thousand times before, so often that you could recite the trail the most prominent vein took without even trying, yet it was so perfect to look at, it always felt like the first time. 

The tip of his dick was darkened with the way his hand strained around the shaft, a tip so swollen with the need for release, yet glistening with the glow of precum all around it. Your mouth salivated at the sight.

Your favourite part of the image though, the very best part, was the way his finger tattoos were so prominent, their attempt to steal the spotlight did not go unnoticed. His tiger tattoo, the one that was normally covered in your juices, was now glazed with the slick wet of his own juices; if you hadn’t known that Lewis would not disobey your want for him to not cum without you, you would never have believed that precum could be so heavy.

Under the message sent with the image, Lewis made sure that if the picture hadn’t caused you to be unable to function for the rest of the day, his words most definitely would. 

“Take a good look at this dick, because tomorrow you won’t see it all. It will be covered in your pussy, stuck in your throat, and baby…I’m going to make you cum so much you will be begging for mercy before the end of the night.” 

You were truly gone now, lost in the hypnotising need for him, for every single part of him. You did so well to function as a woman at the top of her game, despite the man you had at home, but moments like this made it quite impossible for you to do anything but be overwhelmed by your deep need for him. It took all of your strength to not leave the room and get on the first plane to join him. Your love language was sex and Lewis was expressing that so very well right now. 

“I love you too, Lewis.” 

[a-fantastic-time]

Tali: "Bosh'tet! Ah, why am I so hot lately? Mmm, I just, ah~, can't seem to calm down!" Tali had retreated to her room almost immediately after the latest mission, as always once the danger had passed the mere sight of Jane had gotten her pussy soaked. She couldn't understand why, but for some reason about two months ago her mild curiosity about Shepard had turned into a borderline obsession. Every night she went to sleep thinking of her, dreamed of her, woke up having came to her dreams of Shepard! The only time she could properly focus was when she was either doing her job, or on a mission.

It was as she thought about this new problem of hers that she heard EDI's voice over the comms. EDI: "Engineer Tali, please report to the Commander's cabin for debriefing on the latest mission and inspection for any unauthorized foreign materials." Tali groaned as she had to stop fingering herself right in the middle of her masturbation session. She should have seen this coming, ever since The Illusive Man's agents had secreted aboard the ship through the use of hidden nano machines attached to the crew's clothes any time someone went off the ship and came back there were a whole slew of scans and inspections that they had to go through. Tali: "Ugh! EDI you have terrible timing!" Despite this she slowly stood up, straightened her suit and left her cabin to head towards Shepard's. EDI meanwhile stood holding her now visibly pregnant belly in her hands as she waited patiently in Jane's cabin with her, she nodded and looked to the Commander. EDI: "Commander, Engineer Tali is on her way up here, I believe she is ready for her promotion to second cum dump and breeding whore Commander. The pheromones and post-hypnotic triggers have placed her in a near constant state of arousal when not performing her other duties, she should only have thoughts of you and your cock by now."

"I am still unsure of how you made those things. I knew Cerberus had made some freightening tech, but thats almost magic in my opinion." Jane said walking around her room and cleaning every surface she could think of. Making sure nothing could make Tali sick if thing were going to get all hot and steamy soon enough.

At first she wasn't sure if she should let her release such kinds of things on her ship, but the thought of Tali bent over her bed and fucking the best ass on the ship was far too enticing.

Afterward, she walked over and gently placed her hand on EDI"s belly. Kissing her gently and even teasing her new milk filled tits. "God I cannot get how big these things got. How are you even able to walk?"

She chuckled and sat down and pulled EDI Into her lap, gently groping her body where ever she could get her hands. Her cock already beginning to grow inside her pants. But she wanted to make sure Tali was here, before anything hot and heavy started.

Normally Shepard would never think of doing anything like this to her crew, let alone her closest friends. But something about EDI's changes, and the way she became a literal slave to her cock triggered something in her.

Maybe it was due to Cerberus's changes to her mind, but all that mattered was she was going to dick down a hot alien girl. She peppered the bot's face with kisses and whispering sweet nothings into her audio receptors, waiting till a knock at her door finally got her attention.

"Come on in Tali. Make yourself at home." She shouted loud enough for her to hear, all while pressing a button on her Omni tool to unlock the door.

[stomp-of-the-angels]

Hello friends of the void. It's been quite some time since I've ranted. Forgive my absence. My anxiety is on high as I was trying to go to bed. Might not have an actual point to this but I need to speak to someone. I do not judge you if you don't read this, so don't feel obligated to read it if you don't want to. So I'm just going to talk about what I've been up to over the years. Few years back I moved away from all my family and friends to start over fresh in a new city. As a means to better myself and my mentality. Moved in with an old friend of mine and his boyfriend in their studio apartment. At the time I had a couple months before my next job started. Survived on the money I saved up to move. Left with only a backpack, a suitcase, a box of clothes and a couple other assorted things that could fit in a small sedan. After a bit of time I started working on a conservation crew, worked in difference preserves and nature trails. Went camping for a week to work on 3 different trails at Enchanted Rock State Natural Area. Took a trip for work to Virginia and work with the Virginia Department of Health for a month. Worked on a fuels mitigation crew to reduce the latter fuels with shaded fuel breaks. Became a certified wildland firefighter, twice. Worked with the fire department on prescription burns. I became an uncertified "Arachnologist". I currently own 40 tarantulas, plus other arthropods. As well as an Eastern Tiger Salamander, bearded dragon and leopard gecko. I currently work with exotic native animals. I take care of exotic animals ranging from toads, box turtles, snakes, lizards, (more) tarantulas, quails, roadrunner, hawks, owls, vultures and alligators. My baby alligator is 11 months old and named Cheddar. I hand feed my vulture Chico, if she's not too frightened by passerbys, and sometimes my hawk Sunny, if he's feeling up to it. I've made some friends and lost a few. I've been by myself for a few years now and I've had my time to think. I've met many people and made lots of friends, I've gone to big concerts and small house shows. I've met bands, had drinks with a few. I've worked on different conservation crews and worked with different people every few months. I've worked with firefighters, health department people, construction crews. A multitude of people I've met in this lifetime, and yet I feel like I don't even remember who half of them are anymore. It's always new people and those who I do end up knowing for longer periods still end up phasing out of my life. Like a constant cycle of meeting and forgetting. I don't see it as a bad thing, although I don't necessarily see it as a good thing either. My friend group is small. It only consists of coworkers. I don't think I've made a single friend here that I'm in constant communication with that wasn't from work. Is that weird? Probably not. With that being said, I honestly don't believe I've had any sort of romantic interest in anyone in many years. I'm not upset about it, on the contrary, I'm actually quite appreciative of my status. I've got good friends, good roommates, good coworkers. None of which needing to be squandered for no reason. I'm not young anymore, nor am I old. I've got my life ahead of me. If I stayed in my hometown I would be nothing. I would have accomplished nothing. Solely focusing on my thoughts and feelings of my past. Not focusing on what I could have been doing to change. So in a blind leap, I venture into something different. No longer thinking of my past, thinking of only my present self and what is before me. I'm now here in this house with my family of pets. It took years of change but I didn't even notice it pass. Used to think I was happy where I was at. Now I think I can actually say I am. Welp. My heart rate has subsided and I seem to have calmed down. Might be time to call it a night. I've got animals to take care of tomorrow. Goodnight everyone and if you made it this far, I love you. Thanks for listening if you did read through, it's appreciated.

[sk-lumen]

Hi I’m really going through it so would appreciate your advise/input💕 was basically in a talking stage/situationship for long time long distance. It was so draining for me because he kept continually hurting me but always flipping things on me trying to make it my fault when In reality it was always his fault and doing...he would be very attentive to me, consistent with communication and very nice to me with his words but his behavior told me otherwise...it was like a mind fuck. So now that it’s over, I am depressed and been like this for months. I keep up with self care, eat clean and workout but still feel SO. SAD. I have tried to go on dating apps again and gone on a few dates which went well except for the fact on one of them I was drinking and started crying so hard and talking about the guy to the guy I was on a date with and honestly just feel numb and have cried a lot over it over all these months . I know some girls just go on a hookup spree or just find a rebound but that’s not me and I’ve tired after months and not happy even still with the guy I was going on dates with that treats me well....Do you have any input?

Hi flower,

This is a textbook toxic relationship. Inconsistent behavior, love bombing, hot and cold, actions don't align with words, the list goes on. Another big reason such relationships are so damaging is because they mess up your brain chemistry. You literally become chemically addicted to the rollercoaster of it, and are not actually thinking clearly. When it's bad, the adrenaline and stress hormones flood you, but when it gets good again, the relief and happy chemicals flood your brain and you're addicted to getting that next fix. It's a constant loop. That's also why no contact is important, to break the loop.

That being said, it's normal that you're in shambles right now. Your nervous system is dysregulated. Your mind and body is a mess, your confidence is affected, and it's okay.

In my opinion, you should absolutely not be dating right now. You're in no mental or physical state to date around. You're not in a balanced, secure state, and as such you'll inevitably make decisions coming from vulnerability, from survival mode, from a desperate need-based mindset, and a dysregulated nervous system which is just looking for relief anywhere it gets. It's grounds to get exploited by the wrong people and a whole load of other messy situations that do not benefit you.

Sit yourself down and just focus on yourself. Breathe. Meditate. Journal and pray. Go to the gym, go for a run. Remember the things that bring you joy and peace, and focus on them. Slowly, you'll return back to yourself. And when your nervous sytem feels calm again, and you're paying attention to the glimmers around you, life feels lighter and you breathe in ease again, then, you might be ready to date again.

PS: For all the ladies out there, please listen to me when I say situationships are a scam. Unless you're the kind of person who can stay 100% detached with multiple partners for a long term, stay far away as possible from them. Men reap all the benefits, meanwhile you reap none (or a very shallow, temporary one) yet take all the risks. You're doing yourself a disservice and it's only in the detriment of your mental & emotional wellbeing, not to mention spiritual. All those people you give access to your energy and viceversa.... so if you play around with a lot of lazy, directionless, depressed people, you're literally absorbing all that energy into your own.

Be more discerning and selective, your feminine energy is so incredibly powerful and sacred, and should be treated as such.

Much love,

-L.

[cable-knit-sweater]

I do.

a moodboard by cable-knit-sweater

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes

Word count: 884 words

Created for: @buckybarnesbingo card B101 | Adoptable: Diary, & @stuckybingo card R4005 | Square: G2 - “I read about you in a museum”

He keeps them like treasures, each and every single one of them. The ones from earlier, months ago, read like not more than the ramblings of a mad man, words scribbled over and over, sometimes with painstaking effort to hold a pen or pencil without his hand trembling, with seemingly no intent behind it except to get them out of his head and onto paper, like he’ll feel less haunted that way. He doesn’t, not really, but it helps, at least for a little while, and at this point, that’s all he can ask for.

They’re his most prized belongings, if you can call it that, traveling with him from city to city, abandoned apartment to warehouse to street corner, all packed safely into his backpack. They’re a part of him, his thoughts and fears, his every half formed thought, and even less than that, right there on paper. He wouldn’t want anyone to see them, thinks he’s an idiot sometimes, for putting it down like that for anyone to read, if they’d find him. His lips curl into what would count as a smile these days, thinking about him, him telling him something about taking all the stupid with him, in a different life.

It’s better now, than it had been. He has flashes of memories that he puts down immediately, afraid that they’ll slip out of his hands if he doesn’t. His mind feels less like he’s in a constant state of confusion, some sort of fog lifting, but some days he still wakes up with no recollection of where he is or how he got there, and writing down as much as he remembers lets him hold onto some semblance of control.

He wishes he could just stop. Stop running, stop looking over his shoulder. But it’ll be either them, or him that will catch up with him eventually. He’s not so sure which one of those is worse. That’s a lie. He is sure, although he tells himself he could fight them, and facing him…he’s not sure he can bear it. Not now, not like this.

It doesn’t end up mattering. He runs up to his apartment to pack up his stuff, his diaries, some cash, some weapons, to get the hell out before they find him. But it’s too late. He can hear cars hurrying up the street, and he doesn’t have to guess their destination. There’s someone in his apartment, he can hear the steady breathing and rustling around before he enters.

His heart beats out of his chest when he sees him. He knew, technically, that he’d recovered from what Bucky had done to him, but in his dreams sometimes…No matter. He’s there, and he looks calm, collected, but Bucky can hear more than just his own heart racing. In his hands is one of Bucky’s diaries. A recent one, the pages already worn by use, flipping to one page in particular, the worst one, the one page that shows too much, lays him bare.

“Do you know me?” he asks, but his voice doesn’t sound right, like the calm he’s trying to exude, affected.

Bucky can barely look at him, afraid to show too much, to give hope where he knows he can’t. He has nothing to offer, except lies. “You’re Steve,” he says, and it comes out more breathless than he’d hoped. God, this punk is going to see right through me, a voice in his head tells him. Please, please don’t. Please just let this go. “I read about you in a museum.” He has to look away at that, can’t bear the look that Steve must have on his face.

“I know you’re nervous, you got plenty of reason to be,” he says, voice rough, holding back an emotion Bucky can’t place. He used to know him, know all of him. He swallows heavily. “But you’re lying.”

He is. He is lying. I know you, I do, he wants to scream. I’ve known you my entire life. I just don’t know who I am, and I can’t…he can’t do that to him. Not to Steve. Steve, his Steve, who expects his Bucky. Steve deserves more than someone who forgot him long enough to beat him to a pulp. Someone who wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming. Who still doesn’t know who or what or where he is sometimes. It’s not safe. He can’t hurt him again, not ever.

He wishes he could tell him that, but his throat feels too tight, and he can hear heavy boots come up the stairs, and he feels trapped, every instinct telling him to run. Even when a little voice in his head tells him to stay, that Steve will figure it out, to let himself get a good look at him, now that he remembers enough, might remember this, one more good look at him, before it all goes to hell. Or whatever is past that. He thinks he’s been in hell, that tendrils of its flames are still wrapped around his wrists, trying to pull him back in.

He ignores the little voice. He runs. He takes one more glance at him, at Steve, and then he runs, his backpack strapped to him, all his memories inside. At least he has those.

[annahxredaxted]

Music to my ears.

Sweetheart is a well known musician! Milo owns a big record label company! Put two and two together you find love. But it didn’t always start that way.

Pairing: Milo/Sweetheart

Type: music

Tw: cursing.

For the sake of my fingers I’m gonna use Doja cats music bc it seems like something that would seduce milo. So uhm creds to Doja ig.

———

“I understand I’ll be there tomorrow to record. Yeah, I get that, I’m sorry.” They excused their absence, to their manager and best friend— Harv.

Sweethearts cursed themselves out, missing another recording session, for absolutely no reason- well actually scratch that, they did have a reason, it just wasn't one they could use to get off doing their job.

“Yes I promise, I swear, okay. Yeah you too bye.” Sweetheart clicked the big red button, nearly slamming their phone on the counter in front of them- sighing.

Stress and worry flooded their mind, and they nearly broke down- but they persevered, I mean of course they always did. The night before they got dumped, by some guy they’d dated for a month or two. Not a biggie- but the things he’d said about them, and their characteristics and flaws hurt them deeply. Now they weren’t one to let shit get to them but damn, he just didn’t stop.

They were under a lot of toil with the deadline of their new album and all, and frankly they just wanted to rest- but a fact be a fact they are not a quitter.

sweetheart put all that behind them, they figured they should just cool off, calm down, and chill out for a minute- so they concluded they'd have a shower.

they made their way to their bathroom, going through the labyrinth of hallways in their house that their father had conveniently left them. they went into the master bedroom, placing their phone on their bed, all they wanted was a 15-minute break- nothing long, nothing extreme, just 15 minutes.

they turned the knob, stepping feet first into the shower, the hot water a brief relief for their aching muscles, sore from their workout they’d just finished.

Eventually their shower came to an end, they stepped out grabbing their towel and getting dressed, some clean sweats and a tee.

Of course they forgot the show tonight.

—

They stared at the “Where are you.” Text from their crew for a good 10 seconds before running to the garage.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.” They repeated like a mantra in their head, they made every arrangement and every detail to the T but when it was actually time for the show they forget.

They grabbed a random outfit, throwing it in the back of their car, and driving off to the stadium.

Stress filled their mind, sweat made its way to their forehead, trickling slowly but surely down their brow.

the worries of still not being able to impress flooded their brain, and fear of not being good enough went with it. they were in a constant state of stress, and they felt as if they never had any sense of closure.

finally, after a long mental pounding, they arrived at the stadium, sweetheart let out a breath they weren't aware they'd had been holding. they hopped out of the car grabbing all their shit and sprinting to their dressing room.

could anything go wrong? yes.

their endeavor to the dressing room was cut short when they crash straight into someone, crashing into his shoulder face first. ow. they thought.

"What the fuck?" they said looking up at the guy- the extremely handsome guy....

"Oh, I am so sorry- here," he held his hand out to them as they laid still on the floor, processing what had happened.

"he has a nice voice.." they thought before mentally slapping themself.

they rejected the help, hopping to their feet quickly, running off.

"it's fine just be careful." those were the last words before they ran off.

Milo Greer was heavily intrigued.

---

screaming crowds were definitely no mystery to sweetheart. they had seen hundreds over the years, nor was writing their signature at the speed of light- or changing their phone number or going to some outrageous lengths to guarantee safety. But what was a mystery was that feeling they got when that saw Him.

They'd figured they were nauseous or something more believable. not love- that was something they hadn't experienced. maybe a few flings, a couple hookups. Never Love.

sweetheart genuinely didn't think they'd ever feel love. them? Have someone love them for well, being them. they assumed wishful thinking; love was a joke for them. sure, they wrote all these songs, but they weren't about something they'd experienced, they were something that would sell. sure, it was something they'd like to experience someday. but not today.

--

"I found it hard to find someone like you..." they sang, the words fell off their tongue and onto their lips so gracefully.

"I can't sleep no more,"

"In my head we belong"

"And I can't be without you...,"

"Why can't I find no one like you?"

Milo noticed it, the way they looked as if their earthly body was ascending and their soul took over, their eyes closed and serene, sweat beading up on their forehead. he deeply was mesmerized...

they finished the song, taking a quick breath and a sip of water as the congregation roared their name, screaming and clapping their asses off.

Milo placed his clipboard under his armpit and clapped as well, a smirk gracing his face.

--

"(sweetheart) you did amazing," Harv complimented, putting a little sing-songiness on the last word, laughing, ", per usual."

sweetheart smiled, "thank you I try." they admitted.

Harv had that look on his face when you remember something,

"Oh yeah! a recruiting agent was in the audience tonight. he owns a record label!" he exclaimed running out to go get him.

sweetheart sighed, of course, they had a screwup day when someone important was there.

oh. it was him. they thought.

Milo strode into the room; this guy radiated a proud gait and an ego. he was wearing all white- bold move. it accentuated his dark skin and made his stature heavenly, a gold chain drooped on his neck going down to his collar bone due to the top buttons of his white polo being undone, a piercing of the same precious metal on his lobe.

he was hot. not just attractive but extremely beautiful.

don't think that. they mentally screamed at themself.

"Hey there Sweetheart," he said grinning, arms crossed highlighting his biceps in the empty stadium's light.

they scowled. "Do I know you?" they asked, pushing past those persistent feelings.

he chuckled. "Not personally- but I could get to know you." he said, raising an eyebrow, "i came to make you an offer." he winked. he was coming off heavily flirtatious- but they had no complaints.

"I'm listening." they offered their statement back, crossing their arms in retaliation.

--------------------------

that's all I got right now, and also i deeply apologies for not having posted any Fics recently but i guarantee I'm working on them :))

Tag list:

@itsdaifuku @shellssstuff @verrverii @youisagayhooman @darlin-collins @mrsmiagreer

[newpathwrites]

Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

Chapter 3

“Okay…” He closed his eyes and absorbed Rya’s calm before pulling away. He hadn’t understood before, when Rya spoke of needing human touch at times to feel secure, but he absolutely understood it now. He had felt like he was free-falling through space, plummeting to his death, utterly alone if he lost her - his truest friend, but the touch of her hand was the tether pulling him back to safety.

He would never forget this lesson.

Summary: Din and Rya become reluctant parents, and Din makes a painful mistake…

Note: The remaining chapters will loosely align with the storyline of season 1 and 2. This chapter primarily takes place in S1:E4. I will admit that I am ignoring some minor plot details and timelines to fit my purposes here.

While Din’s touch aversion will not go away in this story as it’s an inherent part of him, he will come to view touch differently through his experiences with Rya and the child, and that shift really starts in this chapter. Meanwhile, they’ll both start to consider what this platonic partnership really means to them.

Poor Omera knows not what she does…

Warnings: Injury, harming someone unintentionally, guilt, and temporary angst.

Read on AO3

————————————————————————

Just when Din and Rya had settled into this new routine together, their lives were thrown upside down a second time.  Bounty hunting was no life for a child - but neither was imperial experimentation… so they’d had to make it work.

It wasn’t all bad… The kid was cute and had quickly become attached to both adults in a rather sweet way.  Rya had always been good with children, one of the reasons she’d taken responsibility for the foundlings at the covert, and Din marveled at how naturally she cared for the strange toddler, the motherly affection that the little one probably craved after years of isolation coming to her with ease.

It was more difficult for Din, but still, he’d been taking it all in stride, much to Rya’s surprise.  He was more natural with children than he gave himself credit for, and he was able to moderate his mental state remarkably well in the face of the child’s unpredictable behavior.  Rya had literally held her breath the first time the child had reached out to touch Din’s leg where he sat in the pilot seat - there hadn’t been enough time to warn him or to grab the offending toddler, and she had been terrified that Din would react on reflex as he might to a stranger touching him unexpectedly.  Though his shoulders visibly tensed as tiny claws made contact, he had relaxed almost immediately and leaned down to pull the child into his lap, chatting away about the maps and controls as if the little one might understand.  Who would have thought?  Din Djarin just might make an excellent father.

But it wasn’t all happy, either.  Between the lost freedom from the helmets that bonding had afforded them - now impossible with a third person living in the ship - and the constant feeling of danger lurking around every corner, the two Mandalorians were just about at the end of their ropes.  Something needed to give, and so hatched the plan to escape off map - to the tiny farming planet of Sorgan.  Maybe the kid could stretch their legs a bit, and the two adults might be able to enjoy a few moments of privacy in a safe place.

It appeared to be the right choice.  Nobody here seemed to question their intentions or find the odd trio suspicious in any way - former rebel dropper Cara Dune aside, but even she dropped the act once assured that the bounty hunter hadn’t come to Sorgan on her account.  Having a child under their care was probably helpful on that front, too - how threatening could they really look when wiping spilled soup off of a toddler’s face?

The small village that had enlisted their help with the local raiders was incredibly welcoming and had provided relatively comfortable accommodations, for which Rya expressed her enthusiastic gratitude.  Meanwhile, the child quickly made friends with all of the village’s young people, intrigued by his peculiarity and softened by his sweet countenance.  

Interestingly, the village’s incredibly kind unofficial leader, Omera, who had offered her barn up as temporary quarters, had taken an immediate liking to Din, and he’d spent quite a bit of time in her company.  Rya didn’t mind, of course - their bond was purely platonic - but she found it hard to believe that Din and Omera could possibly be on the same page.  He hadn’t shown even a passing interest in romance in his entire life, and the woman appeared to have particular intentions.  Clearly, she had no idea that Din was already, for all intents and purposes, a married man - and further, one who had no interest in intimate relationships.  Rya wondered amusedly if she should give either party a heads-up or just sit back and watch the situation crash and burn. 

In any case, training the village had gone well, Omera suspiciously skilled herself, and they’d taken down the raiders without casualty or life-threatening injury - or so they thought.

——————————

“Hey, friend?”  Omera approached Rya where she sat on the porch with the sleeping child in her arms, relaxing after the hard-fought battle.  “Mando’s injury looks worse than he was letting on.  He was very insistent that he didn't need help, but I really don’t think he can handle it by himself.  Maybe he’ll let you ?”

Rya snickered softly.  “Well, the man is stubborn, but I’ll try.  Thanks for letting me know.”  Rya handed the child to Omera as she stood.  “Do you mind watching the little one and keeping everyone away from the barn for a bit?”

Omera nodded.  “Yes, of course.  I’ll leave some medical supplies outside the door in case you need them.”

Rya tilted her helmet in gratitude and headed toward their makeshift quarters.

She knocked a few times in warning before pushing the door slightly open and calling out to him.  “Din… it’s just me.  Omera thought you might need my help.”  Rya paused, suddenly realizing that the issue might be of gender more than creed.  “Or should I see if one of the men could help you?”

“No,” he responded quickly, sounding pained.  “Just you…”

Rya slotted herself through the door and closed it firmly behind her before placing a nearby chest in front of it as a barricade and regarding the situation.  Din had pulled off the upper armor and unzipped his flight suit but was still fully covered, attempting to cauterize a wound on his side through the tear in his shirt.  It did not appear to be going well, blood pooling immediately each time he pulled the gauze away to use the cautery device.

Rya kept her eyes on his helmet as she pulled off her own and offered assistance.  “Din, can I help you?  It will be easier if you take the shirt off and let me cauterize… And you can take off the helmet if you want, too - Omera will keep everyone away.”

He hesitated a moment before reaching a hand up to pull off his helmet.  There was a bit of anxiety and indecision in his eyes, and Rya gathered he was self-conscious at his unarmored state, even with her.  “Can we keep the shirt on ?”  Hmmm… Rya figured he’d never been in any state of undress in another person’s presence before.  That was alright - they could meet in the middle.

“Maybe we could just lift it enough to uncover the wound?  It will be cleaner that way.”  He always responded well to rationality and compromise.

Din looked uneasy still, but finally he nodded in affirmation.

Rya pulled a stool up beside him, hoping to make this quick to mitigate his discomfort with the situation.  

But just as she pulled the edge of his shirt free from the waist of his pants to get a better look, her gloved hand just barely brushing the skin of his side as she did so, strong fingers clamped hard around her wrist - hard enough to break a bone if he applied even an ounce more pressure.  Her eyes went wide with shock as she winced in pain, and he dropped her wrist as if burned.

He was breathing heavily, panicking.  “Rya… I’m so… I didn’t…”

She was too overwhelmed with a strange mix of emotions to address the incident in that moment, so she focused elsewhere, on assuaging his panic and fixing the wound bleeding steadily on his side.  “Din… deep breaths… Just breathe… I won’t touch you any more than what’s necessary - okay?  But you have to let me help.  You’re losing a decent amount of blood.”

He nodded weakly, and she went to work, speaking only to warn him of each new touch, and looking occasionally up at his face to see how he was doing.  He looked absolutely wrecked, tears threatening the corners of his eyes, and Rya’s heart broke for him - this fearless man reduced to tears at the knowledge that he’d caused her pain.

She didn’t blame him, not really - it was a reflexive reaction executed in the midst of anxiety and discomfort.  But still, it was a gut-wrenching reminder that behind the protective exterior afforded only to her - and now a 50 year-old child, lay a deadly warrior.  He could kill her with his bare hands if he wanted to - and apparently even if he didn’t…

As soon as the last bit of the wound was cauterized, she immediately pulled her hands away, holding them up in the air as his shirt fluttered back down over his side.  “I’m done.  Do you need my help putting everything back on?  Otherwise, I’ll turn around to give you privacy, and you can tell me if you need me.”

Stars, he looked so sad.   “I can do it…” he forced out as he held back the tears, glad at least that Rya was still willing to be in the same space with him.  He wouldn’t blame her if she packed up and left him here.

Rya did as she promised, keeping her back turned, ready to help if needed.  She closed her eyes as she listened to him zipping up his suit and attaching various pieces of beskar, fending off her own urge to have a good cry.  It was hard to place exactly what emotion she was feeling right now - some combination of confusion and heartbreak - whether it was for him or for herself, she wasn’t entirely sure.

His hand suddenly landed on her shoulder, a very significant gesture coming from him - an offering, and she cursed herself inwardly for flinching in surprise at the contact.  She wasn’t afraid of him.

But he didn’t know that, and he took two steps backward in shame as she turned to face him.  “Rya…” he pleaded.  “I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am.  I never want to hurt you, and I’ll never forgive myself that I did…”

She shook her head.  “Then let me forgive you… It was just a reflex.  It’s okay, Din.”

Stars, she was really too good to him.   “No,” he replied quickly.  “It’s not okay.  There’s no justification.  I have to control it - I can’t risk hurting you - or the kid - or some other innocent person.”

“Okay, you’re right…” Rya nodded in agreement with his assertion, softening her expression.  “Then let this be the lesson that sticks with you for the future.  Make a conscious effort to lower the defenses when you’re safe, around people you trust… I know you can do that.”

“I can… I will…” His voice was resolute and sincere.  He finally took a step forward.  “Is your wrist alright?”

“Yeah, it’s okay.  I promise.”  He exhaled in relief, but he still looked lost, adrift without his anchor - the partner he feared he’d just pushed away forever.  So Rya made an offering of her own, extending both hands out in front of her, waiting for him to reach out and touch her again if he wanted - showing him that she wasn’t afraid.  And for the first time in his life, he didn’t hesitate, wrapping his hands around hers, thumbs resting on her palms.  “We’re alright, Din.  Okay?”

“Okay…” He closed his eyes and absorbed Rya’s calm before pulling away.  He hadn’t understood before, when Rya spoke of needing human touch at times to feel secure, but he absolutely understood it now.  He had felt like he was free-falling through space, plummeting to his death, utterly alone if he lost her - his truest friend, but the touch of her hand was the tether pulling him back to safety.  

He would never forget this lesson.

——————————

“What’s it like - living with your brother in such close quarters?” Omera questioned Rya, cheeks flushed from the spotchka the three women had been sharing, enjoying some girl talk while the men set up the bonfire.  Rya didn’t normally indulge with outsiders, but their time here was coming to a close, fearing the hunters would eventually catch up, and she would sorely miss being around other women, ones very much like herself.

Cara smirked in delight.  “ You didn’t know ?”  She snickered.  “Oh, Maker, it explains so much…” she trailed off in a fit of giggles as she took another swig.

Omera looked between them, confused.  “I didn’t know what ?”

Rya sighed.  Time to break the poor woman’s heart.   “He and I are not siblings.  We’re bonded - it’s the Mandalorian equivalent of marriage.”

The look of horror on Omera’s face was priceless.  “ Dank farrik … I’m so sorry!  I didn’t know.  Kriff , I’m so embarrassed!”  She buried her face in her hands, all the more dramatic in her slightly inebriated state.  “He just reminds me so much of Winta’s father…  All this time I was blatantly pursuing him… and none of you said a word!  I don’t understand - you don’t act at all like a married couple… And when I… he didn’t even…”  She trailed off with a little frustrated exclamation, throwing her hands up in humiliated defeat.

Rya took pity on her, leaning forward to comfort her.  Really, she should have addressed this weeks ago.  “Omera, there’s no need to be embarrassed.  The truth is that he and I are both free to do as we please.  Our relationship is not romantic.”  The woman’s eyes lit up in hope that there might still be a chance.  “But…” Rya continued.  “I’ve never known him to be interested in anyone that way.  I obviously can’t speak for him, but I think you’ve probably been misunderstanding each other.”

Cara interrupted then.  “I don’t know… he sure seems to enjoy spending time with her…  How do you explain that ?”  She tipped her glass in Rya’s direction, as if making an irrefutable point.

Oh, boy… Omera wasn’t going to like the answer… “Based on what he’s told me of his parents… I gather that you might remind him of his mother…”

Omera crumpled, covering her face with her hands after a mumbled “Maker…” while Cara snickered in amusement.

Rya touched her knee in comfort.  “Hey, you had no way of knowing any of this.  He might excel at reading his bounties’ intentions, but when it comes to the emotional stuff, he’s honestly pretty clueless.  I think he was probably oblivious to your advances.  And truly - our relationship is not like that, so you have nothing to feel ashamed over.”

Omera took a few calming breaths.  “Okay… It’s still… very embarrassing… but I suppose I’ll live.”  She managed a light chuckle.  “ Stars … his mother…”

“Trust me, Omera.  That’s quite a compliment.”

Cara cleared her throat loudly then.  “Moving on… I’m curious about the nature of your relationship.  You’re married, but it’s not romantic?  How is it then?”

“Well…” Rya tried to think of how best to explain it.  Were adults allowed to have best friends?   “We’ve been close friends since childhood - really, each others’ only friend.  Our bond was arranged by our leader, not our choice...”

Cara was intrigued now.  “Why was it arranged?  Procreation, I assume?  So you do have a physical relationship then?”

Rya couldn’t help but chuckle as she shook her head.  “Definitely not.  Neither of us is interested in sex, as strange as that might sound to most people, and he can barely tolerate people touching him at all.  We’ve actually been a bit subversive - letting our covert believe otherwise.”

Cara sighed, bringing her cup back to her lips to take a sip.  “Too bad… I was hoping it was like… unrequited love…”  Stars, the spotchka was definitely getting to her.

Rya was thoughtful, a little fuzzy herself due to the alcoholic drink.  “I’m not sure that he’s capable of feeling love - at least not in the same way most people do.  He’s just… different…”  She sighed.  “It’s okay, though.  I love him enough for the both of us…”  Maker, did she really just say that?   It was time for her to put down the spotchka, too.

Cara predictably latched on.  “So this is an unrequited love story…”

“No, not that kind of love… It’s like… a combination of the love you feel for your best friend… and the love you feel for your family… I can’t think of a better way to describe it right now.  And I know that he cares for me, too - in the best way he knows how.”

Cara grinned.  “Wow, that’s actually very sweet… I apologize for my skepticism.”

Omera raised her glass, still pleasantly buzzed.  “We should toast to… you and Mando… and your… platonic… familial… bond…”  Rya laughed as the two women clinked their glasses together.  This conversation, however alcohol-addled, had actually been rather enlightening.  How little you know about yourself until you’re forced to confront it…

——————————

Din was unnaturally quiet when they arrived back at the ship, even for him.  When Rya returned to the cockpit after putting the child to sleep in the bunk, removing her helmet gratefully as she sat down in the passenger seat, he suddenly broke the silence.  

“I need to tell you something.”  He sounded serious as he turned the chair around to face her.

Rya sat up straighter, giving him her full attention.  “I’m listening.”

He hesitated a long time before speaking.  “Omera tried to remove my helmet…”

Rya was shocked.  When?  Why?  He spoke again before she could ask any of these questions.

“… and I almost let her…”

What!?  Din Djarin letting someone remove his helmet?  Or even touch it?  Rya felt blindsided by this revelation.

“Maker… say something…”  He was desperate to have a conversation about this.  It had been weighing on him for quite awhile.

Rya didn’t really know where to start.  “Din… do you have feelings for Omera?  It’s alright if you do, you know.   You’re not beholden to me…”

He shook his head.  “No… I do like her… but not like that… I’ve never liked anyone that way - don’t think I can… ”

“So why would you let her do that?  Most people who touch your helmet receive a swift punch to the gut.”  Rya tried to diffuse things a bit with humor - though this was certainly a factual statement.

He looked down at his lap.  “Well, I remembered what we talked about - lowering the defenses so I don’t hurt someone unintentionally… but instead I just… froze… She was asking me to stay - you, too - and live a more peaceful life… give the kid a more normal childhood…”  Rya stayed quiet, allowing him to finish the thought.  “The idea of that - no more danger, no more hiding - it was attractive... But I’m not so dense that I didn’t understand the implication - that she wanted me to do that with her …”

Rya shifted to face him fully.  “Din, you’re not alone in questioning the Way… I have been myself for a long time…” She paused before addressing his second assertion.  “And really, it would be alright if you did want that with her - you’re not committed to me.”

“What?” he questioned quickly.  “Of course I am… We took vows, and I meant them… This might not be a conventional, intimate marriage, but I am committed to you.  And if I could have that peaceful life, I’d only want it with you… ”

Rya smiled broadly - he’d never revealed so much of his feelings before.  It was nice to hear that the commitment to this partnership was mutual.  “I’m sorry, Din.  I didn’t mean to make light of our bond.  I just want you to be happy.”

He slid off his helmet before responding.  “Rya, besides my parents, you’re the only person who’s ever made me happy.”

Gosh, now she was grinning like a schoolgirl.  If it was anyone else, she’d think he was flirting, but this was not romance.   This was kindred friendship - something so much better.

“You make me happy, too, Din.  And I’m very thankful for our bond - even if it isn’t as intended.”

He smiled genuinely, and she nudged his boot with her own, the only comfortably affectionate gesture she could think of in the moment.  He nudged her back before turning his chair back around to set their next course.  

Stars, the armorer would be so smug…

————————————————————————

Thanks for reading!

Next chapter

[what-if-i-just-did]

Destiel Prompt List, 1. Inner monologue of a classic Destiel scene.

Trigger Warnings: Severe Feels, Co-dependency, mentions of clinical insanity and being in a constant state of anxiety

I'm not leaving without you

Cas throws the water over his face, eyes shifting again between all the most likely places for a Leviathan to pop up, all the best tactical positions for starting a fight with him right now. Still, he's gratefull for this momentary pause, this small piece of calm without fighting, even if it is just the calm before the storm, even if it is riddled with the anxiety of knowing he could and would be under attack again any second. Then he hears rustling. He just has time to figure the thought that he should leave before a voice, a very, very familliar voice calls out his name. "Cas!" "Dean."

Cas is overcome with longing, even more so than every time Dean prayed, because Dean is right there. But he needs to focus. He stays still for a second, fighting for his lucidity, fighting the urge to get up and hold Dean close. He knows he can't be near Dean. Why did Dean come find me? Did he try to find me? That's not logical why would he do that. But, why would he be here otherwise? How did he find me? He gets up, looking to his side for possible exits. He doesn't know why Dean is here, what Dean could want. He does know he needs to get away from Dean again as fast as possible. He cannot, will not endanger Dean. Not again, his mind supplies.

"Cas." Dean repeats, and walks closer. Cas has the urge to walk away now, to flinch back. Dean laughs, as if Cas isn't confused enough, and... embraces him. Exactly what Cas had been trying not to do before. Why did Dean do that? Cas lets himself be grabbed, and... Dean really does grab onto his outer layer of clothing. "Damn it's good to see you. Nice peach fuzz." Dean leans back again. Dean, you can't be here. You're not safe with me. "Thank you" His mouth mindlessly supplies. Huh? Oh right, his the human had complimented him. Not relevant. He needed to leave.

"Want you to meet somebody. This is Benny- Benny, this is Cas." Cas hadn't properly realised there was another person with them. "Hola.", Benny added, looking at Cas the way you do in Purgatory. Cas returned the favor. He was a vampire, that much was obvious- there was still some Angel left in him, at least. Just enough to endanger Dean, he thought bitterly. Why Dean was teaming up with a vampire was another discussion, however. "How did you find me?" Cas asks instead, turning his eyes back to the only thing he actually cares about. And did you try to. He's fairly sure that even with his back turned, he can protect Dean from the vampire, and it also doesn't seem like he needs protecting from this vampire (or any vampire in general, Dean can take care of himself), and this is more important right now.

Dean looks at Cas for a second. How would he even answer that? Because it's not exactly like he can say I tracked, tortured and killed so many different things all over this freakin' hellspawned place just because they might have half a clue of where your holy ass has been hanging out all this time that I can't even count them anymore. Well. "The bloody way. You feelin' okay?" Cas was... well he looked like he'd gone to Hell and back, but Dean's pretty sure he wasn't looking any different. (They had both gone to Hell and back, but this was a different trip.) Cas keeps looking around them though, and Dean can't tell if he's looking out for a fight, if he's lookin' for a way to leave, or if he's... still seeing things that aren't, well, there.

"You mean, am I still..." Cas does the 'finger going in circles besides your head' thing that generally means 'crazy' and raises an eyebrow. It feels just a little too human, but Dean's glad Cas's melon is at least okay enough to read between some lines. He almost smiles. Almost. "Yeah, if you wanna be on the nose about it, sure." Dean wants to smile. Please give me a reason to smile here, Cas. "No, I'm perfectly sane." Comes the immidiate reply, and Dean almost does smile before it turns out that that wasn't the end of the sentence. "But then, 94% of psychotics think they're perfectly sane, so I guess we have to ask ourselves, 'What is sane?'." And that is... right. That is precisely something that both Cas, old Cas, would have said, and exactly the type of thing that koo-kuck bee-loving Cas would rant on about, like asking him about lipstick, or bees. Cas is still looking shifty. Well, that didn't answer the question. "Yeah, good question." He says instead. Because it is. It's the type of thing you can drive yourself crazy over, and exactly the type of thing Dean doesn't have time for here.

"Why'd ya bail on Dean?" Because of course that would be the first thing Benny asked Cas. "-Dude." "The way I hear it, you two hit Monsterland, and hot wings here, took off... I figure he owes you some backstory." Really, Benny? I just got my angel back, lay off 'im. Dean tries to explain what happened, the story he's been telling himself at least, because Cas would abandon him, right, not if he didn't need to.

He yells at Cas. He's actually really sorry about that. Especially when Cas's voice wavers, or breaks- who the fuck is paying attention- as he says, "- to keep them away from you." Because of course Cas, self-sacrificing son of a bitch, only ever left to try to protect Dean. So, of course Dean won't just leave him now. Just got him back. "I'm not leaving without you."

[lyraeon]

This week on tales from therapy:

(honestly this got way ramblier then I meant it to and that’s the only reason it’s under a cut, but it does talk a lot about guilt complexes and emotional abuse so be warned?)

therapist helped me realize that I somehow expect apologies to be an instant cure all. That I was constantly expected to give them over tiny things when I was little and expected to drop anything that someone else had apologized for, even if they kept doing the thing.

This has hurt me in two ways that are, in retrospect, obvious, but which I hadn’t actually realized.

One I did start to notice last year but wasn’t sure how to handle: “I apologized, what else am I supposed to do?” Not as in, thinking that I didn’t have to change my behavior, but as in, feeling like other people didn’t believe my apologies were sincere because they were still hurt, even if it had been an accident. I had always been expected to just move on if someone apologized and it never really occurred to me that it was natural to still feel hurt because I always thought I was a shithead for it.

The other is the bigger one: I don’t know how to move on without an apology. I’ve been told I hold grudges too long and I’ve said myself that vindication is one of my biggest driving forces. I can’t truly believe that I was right and the other person was wrong unless they say so themselves. And that’s never going to happen in most cases.

I hadn’t even connected the two issues to each other. Hell, I barely knew what to do with the first issue at all and instead was just stuck in a zone where I assumed that if people didn’t forgive me when I apologized, they never would and now they hate me forever, despite the number of times I’d said myself to someone that I was gonna need a couple days to calm down about stuff. Which actually meant that virtually anyone that I’d ever even felt the slight need to apologize to - even tiny, “whoops sorry I bumped into you” or for talking to much - I assume subconsciously still hates me if they never said “it’s ok” or anything like that.

No really. I already knew that I walk around 24/7 assuming all but like 5 people I talk to are sick of me and don’t actually want to deal with me and that I’m on thin ice with 3 of those 5. I already knew that I existed in a constant state of assuming that I was inconveniencing others just by existing. And these are emotions that I already knew were bullshit and that my medication helps me drown out but not entirely. I had not realized until then that one of the most common things that puts people in to the “everyone else” category into the “safe 5 people” category for me is “I thought I upset them, so I apologized, and they didn’t acknowledge it, so I assume the way I upset them is so awful that it’s unforgiveable in their brain so now every time they interact with me I’m sure that’s the only thing they’re thinking of.”

Even when the thing that I did that I thought upset them was like. Send too many DMs. Or miss their stream. Or forget they were vegan and offer them ice cream. Or something else that they never actually showed real signs of being upset with me for, I just panicked and thought they were mad. So often I was apologizing for stuff they weren’t even upset about, so of course they didn’t say “it’s ok” or anything, because lol silly what were you even apologizing for?

And a huge part of why that’s my automatic assumption?

Because I had so many things that went on for so long that are the only thing I can think of when dealing with that person. Because my folks and my evil ex and some of my “friends” over the years have all had zero regard for how their actions affected me, and I was still on some level expecting an apology and expecting that to make everything ok. Because my entire system of right and wrong somehow hinges on making the bad guy admit they fucked up or something - like I can’t definitively say, “no, I was right to feel hurt” instead of feeling guilty about being upset with them until they actually say “I was wrong, I’m sorry.”

And honestly I think half of why I tell the same stories over and over to so many people is because I’m seeking that validation - I want someone to agree with me and say I was right, except it’s insatiable. No matter how many people agree it doesn’t matter because the one person in any given situation whose admission that I was correct mattered was never going to.

Ma is never going to apologize for anything that happened when I was little, because she truly believes she was just being a parent. My evil ex is never going to apologize for driving me further into my eating disorders or trying to control me because that’s what he was trying to do. The boss who made us work off the clock and smashed ice cream in my face is never going to apologize even though he’s in jail for domestic violence shit now because he’s the kind of guy who winds up in jail for domestic violence and also because he probably doesn’t remember I exist. So on.

I don’t need their permission to move on though. I don’t have to let this anger keep eating me.

And hopefully learning to let go of that will also help me stop assuming everyone else is mad at me all the time, too.