#I am acting terribly online and I want to disappear

[aimless-passerby]

My god, I deleted previous vent post about how people are making friends out of Bilbo and Lobelia for some reason, but there is additional following comment to my art...

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not roleplaying with someone?

I (19F) started a dnd-type roleplaying server with my friend (also 19F). She's the one in charge so she invited her online friend, Crow (I don't know his age but I know he's a few years younger than us) along with a few others. It's pretty fun although I can't always be there (health and school reasons).

However, me and Crow do not get along. We used to be in other servers together when we were younger and he would constantly say or do things to piss me off (sometimes I also did it back, though). Usually our mutual friends diffuse our arguments and things go back to normal.

From the start it felt like Crow really didn't give a shit about his character and kept making up excuses not to use him (creating other ocs, having him go missing, etc) so I was really shocked when he dm'd me to plan out a scene he wanted to do with my character.

Surprisingly, we put our differences aside pretty well, until it came down to writing the actual scene, where he completely ignored all of our planning and did what he pleased. He claimed it was because I introduced a plot twist (which we did briefly mention in our planning) and was just following the flow. I wasn't mad until he said I shouldn't be mad at something that could have been avoided had I just read his characters' lore (in my defense, he constantly creates new characters and writes pages and pages of info for them, it's hard to keep up when I'm really busy and specifically just want to play with our original cast of characters).

In the aftermath of that conversation I may have offended him because he kept acting all stand off ish but he claimed it was because he was autistic and couldn't really understand what I was trying to say (which I understand because I'm also some sort of neurodivergent who has trouble understanding subtext but it didn't really feel necessary in that conversation)

Cut to a few months later in which he's sort of just gotten really compliant and barely participates anymore, until he just straight up disappears for two weeks (he's done this before on other servers for attention so I just leave him be until he comes back on his own)

Finally, he does come back with like a whole essay on how we've been mistreating him and how terrible he's felt being left out (*cough* self isolating *cough*) I try to reason with him but it feels lile he's just being dismissive and interruptive. And again, he's typing very stand off ish, almost like he's writing a corporate email. I explain that none of us are purposefully leaving him out- he just didn't take the hint that we wanted to write something other than what he liked or thought was fun. I still don't understand what he was trying to say but we agreed to compromise and he went to sleep since it was late.

Now that he's back it's sort of awkward facing him after that night so I try my best to ignore him and do my own thing. He still has fun and writes with the others but I stay out of his way and he stays out of mine. I don't know if that's the right thing to do since he originally got mad at me for ignoring him, am I the asshole, though?

TLDR: I ignored a mutual friend who I can't get along with and then he wrote a vent post (indirectly) about me, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[thelovesicklostones]

Peoples views on my lovelife <3

part 1

You know I've always gotten odd comments on my relationship and I can understand why to an extent but some people just act downright insulting when they can't understand something in my relationship. Me and my partner both have been downright hurt by some things people say and to an extent I at times can agree. Societally mine and my partners relationship dynamic could be seen as toxic so I can agree on that. But if my relationship is so terrible, how have I been together with them for three years?

Some people from old friend groups have called me controlling, abusive, and much more as they work on a loose understanding of my relationship. Me and my partner however have agreed to certain comfort terms in a way and have worked at establishing limits. And if any of our limits change we discuss it together. I've been called controlling cause my partner has to ask to hangout with people, but I also have to ask, this is so if we disappear for a period of time the other won't freak out to bad or we can be informed if the other needs us for something and we can spend time with eachother. As we are gonna one day sleep by eachothers sides we put each others needs above basic friendships.

Now, my partner has also been called controlling because I have certain rules I follow and they help me keep a routine, and can reward me and scold me. But what people often miss is the fact the things my partner does is to provide stability in my life and give me ideas of what needs done as I often need a shove to get things done. My partner has also been told they act like 'a helicopter parent' but this is far from the truth. They do hold all my passwords for accounts but for valuable reasoning. Often I can get overwhelmed in bad situations, cant say no, and am not able to put my foot down when I need to. But my partner aids me in those situations and all I have to do is ask them and they'll log onto my account and sort it out. I as well have my partners passwords but for differing reasons as I have extreme fear of being cheated on.

Not joining any online community or discord server without one or the other, and having to ask if the other wants to join said server or community before just doing it. This is because for me I struggle and fear new people even if the community is something I like, and sometimes I fear joining a bad server. And my partner often is willing to join first and tell me if the server is safe or not. When it comes to this rule also my partner often gets scared of me getting hurt since I can be very naive so they like scoping out servers or communities before we join them. And we also only ever do group chats with each other and someone we're interested befriending for awareness of what's being talked about so we don't get paranoid.

if anyone has questions feel free to ask away! No questions will hurt my feelings, feel free to ask anything <3

[honeybeewhereartthee]

Crystal Hearts

Prequel: Part One: A Distance Dream ( Epilogue )

»»——Previous——- CH6 ——Next——-««

»»————-　file 000: A Distance Dream　————-««

For couple of days or it most be a week already, aira can't help but worry about you. You keep looking daze and ignoring everything around you. You rarely eat as much you did before.

Your so called cousin can't even snap you out of your trance either. Then at the 13 day of you mopping around all depress and no energy. You disappear out of the blue.

"Wataru-san do you see MC. We need to go to school." Aira waited in front of your house, that you shared with Wataru and his guardian.

"Oh my, little prince charming. You see, my adorable cousin most have enter their rebellious phrase quite early! They run away from home, last night! "wataru chuckle at the memories of you leaving the house barefoot and with a small note that says thank you and a daisy.

" What... WHAT DO YOU MEAN RUN AWAY? " aira cannot believe what he just heard from the clown.

"Ah. You know, kids those days often did that right?"

"Why are you not bit worried?!" The young light fae cannot believe that his hearing your cousin treat this so lightly.

He already felt dread and unnerving feeling in the pit of his stomach, it made him want to throw up so bad.

"WAHHHH! MC WHERE ARE YOU!?" Aira drop his bag at your lawn and went to look for you, if your cousin won't look or worry for you, he would look for you!

Wataru watch the young fae run, he cannot help but sigh and shrugged his shoulder looking at how energetic young kids those days are.

"My... I am worried for them too..." the older fae held out his hand, a daisy appear in his hand, his drops as he look down at it. "I am but a matchmaker and a guardian..." A hopeless smile appear on his face. He turn his back as he start to smile again.

"So, dear little prince. I leave it to you!" He suddenly surrounded with doves and disappear from where he once stood. A dove fly ahead and followed where Aira went as aira saw the dove, he clicked his tongue before he follow it as it head to the forest.

...

""But you see, that's not correct

Because you have chosen and

As a result, it's ironic how you're here

But shunned like you were a ghost."

Not from afar, aira heard someone singing deep in the forest, the dark forest seems to glow each steps he run deep. He remembers the last time he enter the place, it only brought nothing but fear to him.

But this time he don't even understand what kind of fear he once have before as he listen to your voice. Maybe the only fear he felt was unable to find you earlier.

"But you see, that's just fine

Don't gloss it over and say that's terrible

Because, I and myself, we're all ghosts

Very selfish ghosts."

When Aira find himself in the middle of the forest again, he remembers the words of the teacher, suddenly he might have a guess what cause you to act like this.

The dove land on a huge rock and watch the two with watchful eyes.

" M-MC..." He called out. He saw you seating in a field of black flowers full of thorns. "hmm? Oh it's aira." You yawn as you saw Aira from your sleepy eyes. Yawning every now and then.

"Aira~ I notice you have good online friends lately~ so you don't need me anymore... I for the sake to see you have a peaceful life, I most go back to sleep." You smiled but your voice cracks as you dislike your own choice, you thought about it, your teacher words pain you, because being awake is like a ticking bomb.

You can't even become a past tense because you cannot do so. Nothing seems to harm you in this world but your own emotions. You felt sick to be parted from Aira, Tarunii-san and people you know. But as the teacher said the world is at peace. It should stay that way.

"Please Don't step on the black flowers. " You wanted him but as he watch your eyes began to be more Droopy and sleepy, unable to open it more than a minute as if your slowly succumb to a sleep, he can't help but continue walking, toward the middle of beautiful poisonous thorns.

"Agh... Aww... it hurts! ...M-MC...!MC! A-are you g-gonna leave me...?" He don't know if the tears is out of the pain he felt from the noir or the pain he felt his going to be alone again. Even how many online friends he have, he still want your company.

"...geez." you sigh as you watch him reach out to your side and hugs you so tight as his tears continue to fall down. "Do you know, your so reckless like me too." You giggle as you hugs him back. You reach out to touch the noir flowers around his feet to be purified and it become beautiful white flowers.

You lean back and you saw Aira crying tears, you wipe his tears away and give a soft kiss in his forehead. His wounds glow and slowly heals.

"You cry so ugly." you joked and he sobbed even more. "Huhu... Sorry... Is that why you wannaaa leave me cause of that? S-Sorry...huhu mcc.....! Dddonnnttt leeaavvveeee mmmeeeee..." He weep large droplet of tears. "your also crying! Your not ugly through... Huhuhu..." He reach out to wipe the tears you don't know that slowly falling silently from your eyes.

"No. I don't want to leave you. " You take a deep breath to control your voice from slowly breaking apart to ugly sobbing.

"NO! BUT YOU STILL GONNA DO IT..." aira once again hugs you so tightly. "D-dont leave! Don't leave! O-or... L-let me j-join you! I don't care! I-i will j-join you even in the e-end of the w-world..." He don't want his true friend to leave him, the friend he found, his sleeping beauty.

Why would he want to be away when no one wanted to play with him, to give him sweets, to share laughter's and what about exo/blob? Who's gonna take care of the little bunny with him...?!

"mc, dont leave Mee... Dont leeaveee.. because... I dont know if I can wake you up againnn! Huhuhu... ｡:ﾟ(;´∩`;)ﾟ:｡ I'm not that aira... I'm just the aira of this world... I don't want to, I don't want to...! Please... Don't... If you... If you gonna sleep... I will sleep beside you...!" He felt so hopeless. His only friend wish to leave his side. He shouldn't be this selfish yet he can't bare it.

"... huhu.." you can't control your own tears and sobs as your just but a child. Easily influence by your own emotions. "I dont wanna.. b-but--... Y-you..y-you and everyone will suffer... I.. I am bad news..." You felt hopelessness as you circle your arms around your dead friend weeping and sobbing. As your tears fall to the ground, the noir flowers around you all become purified to pure white flowers.

"I-is... B-because y-your... The c-cute... Fae.."

"Ahaha... It's core fae..." you corrected him with a soft giggle through you still crying. " Hmm... I am... The t-third one..." Your mind went back to the teacher words. Your stomach drop at the memories.

"... MC! MC!" he called out to you. "Hmm?" You hummed as the two of slowly calm down from crying but continue to hug one another. "If... If you think your just a tool... I...I am here! Y-you don't need to think n-no one wants you or think your not important! Because I care about you! Your my friend! People would cry too if they know you suddenly be gone! S-so don't leave! It's p-probably a false alarm from o-old faes... S-so... So... D-dont leave me...."

He begged hopelessly.

"aira there's consequences in such words you know?" You sigh hopelessly. " I... I don't care... I will bare it... B-beside why do you have to burden all the old faes want. What if you don't want to save the world? Why does an innocent child have to bare it. I never understand it. MC don't need to do it... " He felt his being too selfish but the old faes Is more selfish in his eyes, in the story of the teacher, he wonder why would people let a child born not out of love but just a simple solution to something they are not sure off.

A life is precious like any other, so why does that child have to suffer the burden? Is that why they exist...? To be hated, to save what hates and loath them? To be called a sacrifice for greater good, to carry such burden when they did nothing but exist, to live and enjoy life but to give it away for selfish people in the world that don't even look thankful for their own action and blame them to exist because their existence cause the catastrophe to happened?

"MC... You don't have to carry the burden, to exist for others, please live and exist for your own decisions and search your dreams... Or maybe for me. But that's just me being selfish too." Aira emerald eyes stared at you (color) one.

"... Thank you Ai~" you smiled as you felt warmness of his words, that he truly care and treat you as someone equal, not as a so called core fae. "To be honest, the people who dislike me or the people that hate faes like me. They probably not the reason why other faes like me, would give their life for the world. Because there's someone like you, who care for them and it's enough to be willing to give what I can offer to make sure people like you stays alive and happy." You chuckle.

" That's why I wanted to sleep, because I want to stop what might happen dare in the far future. So you can live a long life without experiencing burden of catastrophe or experience an ending that no one wanted..." You look down at your hand, thinking about the days you spend with aira, wataru and people you meet in your days that would smile at your way and say hello and don't look at you with hate.

"Then your wrong, the first and second one is wrong too." Aira hands held your hand and intertwined it together.

" Because even if we live a long life, we will never be happy, the fact that we live exchange for a life of someone precious, someone dear to us. Would only bring us nothing but pain and endless sadness. That were hopeless, weak and nothing but someone who cannot change it. To give a hand and share your pain." His forehead resting against yours, the two of you stared at his hand and yours linked.

"... Ahaha.... I guess I'm indeed wrong..." You sigh hopelessly as you hear what he said.

"I'm sorry ai." You felt bad but happy, you can't help shed tears of joy and happiness. "I'm happy to meet you. Thank you very much..." You smiled.

"I'm happy to meet you too!" He finally smile as well. " MC, I want to grow up and live a long life with you, I don't care if your a core fae or dark fae or a human, because none of that matter, to me your my precious and very important friend." He added.

"Hmm, sorry ai. I'm a bad friend... Let me make it up to you." letting go of his left hand to wipe your tears and his. You reach out to grab a flower beside you. You tried to make a flower crown in one hand but failed.

"Oh wait ahaha. I cannot make it with one hand, imma let go of your hand for a moment." You chuckle and he laugh with you. At that moment Aira finally notice the black noir flowers have become beautiful blanc flowers as you make a flower crown.

"Oh! How did it happen?? Isn't this the flower in the text? A rare flower that..." He look at the beautiful flowers as you finish on your almost crappy flower crown and put it on his head.

"It's my first time making it. So it's kinda bad." You sigh dejected but you smiled when he seems to like it.

"Thank you!" He chipped.

[With tears of neither good or evil.

Flowers of darkness as night,

a poison of a bright light

Become a beautiful flower

Of hope and dreams.

Grant the wish of this little fae.

And bring happy tears and smile

To the wisher and dear friend of mine.]

As you say a spell you once read in a book, where a story about a noir flower that would be purified by a child of neither and both the darkness and light. That can grant a wish who ever see it. It's but a tale because only the first core fae able to make one.

The flower crown glow and vibrant as a aurora lace around it.

"Make a wish." You look at Aira eyes. "Through, I don't know how far I'm able to grant it. "

" Waahh... W-wait-- did that mean those noir flowers are..." He suddenly went pale as he too read the fact of the same flower.

┌──❀*̥˚───❀*̥˚─┐

aurora de Blanc the wishing flower

-> purified noir flowers.

( Noir flowers bloom from noir heart of hundred of faes, a very potent poison to all light fae)

-> happy tears of neither or both child of light and dark.

-> say the enchantment and it will grant your deepest desire.

└───❀*̥˚───❀*̥˚┘

"... I--..." He suddenly felt scared because he remembers it clearly. "Won't we get haunted by ghost .." he fidget.

"Ahaha. That's what your worried for? Ai already touching and grabbing the noir flowers since long ago, I keep healing you too. " You chuckle as you reach out for more flowers and they soon lace with aurora, you crash them to powders and put them to a glass container you have in your space.

"At this point, your immune to it now." You mumble as he watches you made all the other Blanc turn into powders.

"As for a ghost. Dead people can't do anything to the living. If so I will protect Ai." You wink at him.

" H-huh... I don't need protection..." He blush as he held blanc flowers, his going to make you a flower crown too!

You stood up and went to catch the dove watching from the huge rock. The dove don't protest. " Tarunii-san." You called as you, you give a aurora de Blanc to the him.

"Sorry I run away." You apologize. The dove peaks on hand as if nagging you.

"Coo-coo." The dove tilt it's head at your words.

" Mmmcccc where are you going..." Aira catch up to you after he was distracted for a moment on making the flower crown. "Tarunii-san been watching us since earlier. " You giggle.

" WAHH... He was?!" He can't help but be embarrassed as he remembers how he cry earlier. "B-but why is he a dove..."

" I forget. Your not ugly or anything. I just don't you to cry, because of me. Your more cute when you smile and happy." You remember calling him ugly when he cries earlier.

" W-wa... I-i..." He suddenly turn bright red when he heard you compliment. "(•ˇ3ˇ•) i-i won't forgive you for calling me ugly... Hmmp. Especially if you calling me ugly cause I am crying for you!" He cross his arms and pout. Through not really mad.

"H-here...!" He saw you seating on the rock and quickly put the flower crown to your head and smile at the pretty sight.

"Did you make a wish yet?" You put the dove on your shoulder and look at Aira. "N-no... I don't know what to wish..."

"That's ok. Even if you made a wish in a few years, it will be granted." You mumble."by the way." You look at the surrounding and back to aira.

"If you question why Tarunii-san is a dove when he enter this place. You see there's a spell in this forest. People who can enter without consequences are only those who either pure hearted, part of both light and dark or a core fae."

"if you enter this place with hatred in your heart, a noir will crystalized and the forest will eat you alive and become a fertilizer to the flowers. Hence the whole place have noir flowers. Those are from fae who are sent here to their doom. This place is forbidden for a reason. You can only enter it if your using a familiar or that your pure hearted child. Or that your like me." You point out.

" Eh... B-but I don't think I'm pure hearted..." He look down at his hands. " When I remember what the teacher said, I think I have hate grow in my heart, I dont like them... But I am too a selfish person.."

" Ahaha~ ai is not selfish. " You giggle. " This place have a weird thing about time and space. Maybe because I sleep in this place for so long and the amount of noir in here is too much it's no longer follow rhe flow of normal time and space. But the rules will continue to apply." You thought of it. " You can be considered as a core fae as long you have the heart of a core fae inside of you." You point out.

" In a distance Future... in a far future where what we chat here before will become nothing but a distance memories or dream that we will forget. Ai will one day have a core heart beating inside of you for a good or bad reason, we will never know... And the forest accepted you as one even in this moment for that far distance Future."

" W-what... " He don't understand what you mean, but won't having a different heart only mean, m-marriage...?! He suddenly turn bright red. "W-wha--.... Ahhh...." he suddenly slap himself as he only know your the current core fae of the era and that means.

"What are you thinking? " You look confuse at him as he slap himself and keep shaking his head with a blush permanently in his face and he keep giggling and like a coocoo in the head while mumbling about stuff.

"N-nothing."

"Ai, your so silly. " You giggle as you stood up from the rock your seating on. "I like that about you." You hummed. "I like ai."

"H-huh...?! L-like... Friends...??"

"..." You look at him before you turn your back. " I guess..." You mumble. You cannot believe this. You wanna cry but don't. 'dont cry, don't cry, don't cry... Smile..smile (｡•́︿•̀｡)... Why can ai be honest... no why can't I be honest...' you felt a single tears fall.

"Ah... I see." He become mick. He look down at his feet.

You and him become a silence for a moment, the dove can't help but face palm in the sideline.

"Aira is my bestie~ ahaha~ I love you bestie!" After taking a deep breath, you look back and smile. " WAHH. I love you too bestie! " He happily says back, the dove once again face palm.

'my head going to be hurt by those two! One refuse to be honest, the other refuse to push forward!' wataru thought as he want to question what's up with children those days. As aira and you play in the beautiful blanc garden, wataru watch in the sideline.

'a distance dream... long ago, the old one have a dream of a distance Future. With that dream, they start a shunned project, to create a child that carry their wish... A wish to pass the moment of catastrophe. To have another day of peace after the end... But the two who are the biological parent of the child want to protest about it, no longer they wanted their child to be use. Yet the baby was taken away. the parents that can't do anything, felt hopeless.

'Through they are free from their pose and able to love who they want, have their own baby without the order of the high council with someone force. The light fae have another child and the child was told a story of an older sibling, that is taken away, a tragic story that was told to his own child, on and on the story of third one is told to the next generation till... ' wataru thought of his own biological parents who told him such story. He sigh at the memories of before, he look at your smile as you play tag with aira who can't catch up to you.

"WAIT UP! WAIT UP!" the light fae called out with a smile.

"Noooo~ ahaha" you giggle as you run away faster.

" Coo-ooo..." The dove fly toward the two of you as Aira tackle you down to the flowers and start to roll around in the ground, the flower petal all fly around.

"Ah... It's Tarunii-san." You held out your hand and the dove fly and land on top of your hand.

"It's fun here..." You heard Aira mumble. "hmm... Let's go home tomorrow, I'm sleepy from running around." You yawn as aira held your hand. He too felt drowsiness and sleep, holding your hand in that beautiful flower field.

»»————-　PART ONE SUMMARY/NOTE　————-««

"MC" backstory/History so far:

MC exist to carry the wish of the old faes to survive a Catastrophe that is to come and destroy the multiverse, as based from a dream of a far distance Future and the said solution is a core fae that is a true child of both light and dark clan( have all the type of creature of a light and dark clan have. Ex: angel, demon, etc).

Their birth is planned and took almost a hundred years as it's a long process, there's many unwilling participants but they can't do anything.

They only be free from the order of the old fae-- or council if they have an offspring with another race under the same clan, this continues till mc parents are born and they too have to be force before they finally be free from the demanding and gasp of the crazy old faes.

Not including in the text book: MC parents who thought their child would be a mare tool just they were can't help but want to save young mc but they have no power against the government as they taken the child they are not able to name either.

MC was later put to sleep in a forest made to protect them till the right time comes, where someone wake them up-- which is Aira Shiratori.

-- but as the time went by since, MC parents who's finally free to start there own family of their own. The mother of MC have a child and told them the story of MC and how they wish they could stop it. And hopefully no one in their family would hate MC once they awaken in the far future and the so called "catastrophe" ever befall the world, such story pass on generation to generation till wataru biological parent too, told him about the child who will wake up one day and never hate them.

(This part is Based on Wataru Real Backstory in Enstar mix with my twist) At that time wataru is preforming tricks and fun show to anyone who would like to watch but no one stayed enough to watch enough till the end of the show as they get bored and never understand it.

Of course, but one invisible audience who been watching him since his first show. Who give him daisy and letters that say "thank you for the show" and "how they admire him for the tricks they did" but suddenly the invisible audience disappear one day.

( Error: "Wataru Hibiki" --some files cannot be loaded )

Wataru search for his fan and find Aira who come out of the forbidden forest that no one can enter with someone else-- "mc" and on the spot wataru adopted MC as his cousin.

»»————-　Extra info　————-««

(1) MC got rejected twice. Second was Aira.

-> in this story, mc isn't one to push or tell someone their feelings if the person won't be honest with theirs or that they are family-friend zone by them.

(2) MC learn baking and making sweets from nii-tan which is Niki. (If no one notice it. →_→: more info about this in next part) and over did it because wataru let em cook with no thought about the price.

(3) based on the year result, they get failing grade worse than Aira. only physical education did they ace it. But also failed in the same time.

(4) because In enstar lore, kohaku and Aira won't know they are each other chat mate till it's far in the future.

(5) the aira Shiratori that possess Aira of CH AU is Aira from MDD AU

»»————-　MC abilities　————-««

-> healing ( through kiss ) [ Light side ] -- only healed Aira as far in the story

-> purify noir [ Core ]

-> create living animal out of magic -- Blob/Exo [ Core ] -- only once.

-> a battle maniac [ Dark side ] -- it's an instinct to desire to win.

-> astral dreaming

»»————-　TAGs　————-««

(if want to be tagged pls comment or Send mail) Tag List : @valeriele3 @yinenovica

[sadfragilegirl]

A First Post Written by a Sad and Fragile Girl Named Queennie

Hello and Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening to you all.

This is the one and only Queennie, finally returned aka signing up to Tumblr again with a new username, @sadfragilegirl.

I. Why @sadfragilegirl? (Behind the Tumblr username)

The reason why I wrote this as my username as because my current self is now a Sad and Fragile Girl. That's because of all those things that are happening that are really bad, really upsetting and really brought me trauma for the rest of my life. Plus, after what I remember way back then when gained such terrible things on me when I was on Tumblr days last year 2018 and year 2020 like receiving hate and criticism and losing my mutuals by blocking me, I became a Sad and Fragile Girl.

II. Admitting My Mistakes From Long Ago Way Back In 2018 (@heart-baek-bleed) and 2020 (@heart-bleeding-autism-angel)

I would like to tell everyone who remember me as @heart-baek-bleed (2018) and @heart-bleeding-autism-angel (2020) that I apologize for everyone for acting myself such behavior even I have Autism. Especially to my former mutual @peacheclair back in way back then when I was @heart-baek-bleed in year 2018.

@peacheclair, when I read your post about me, I realized this now that I felt wronged because of my very problematic behavior even I have Autism like wanting to buy stuff from me in my wishlist like Kpop albums and merch and DVDs and posting things by myself that are unnecessary and upsetting to you like "I want to cough up blood", "I want to disappear", "I want to kill myself" and "I want to bang myself to the wall". In the end, it brought such greatest downfalls by myself. That's the reason why I received anonymous hate messages (and sometimes non-anonymous hate messages) and losing my favorite mutuals because of me. And because of me and my behavior as myself with Autism, I became a monster because of me. And now, people think that I am a problematic and a monster because of those things that I did to hurt anyone and everyone.

Now that I am 22 years old and my life becoming more difficult because of remembering my past on Tumblr from year 2018 and year 2020. And if I want to make a new friend, whether it's online or in real life, it gets even harder especially when I have Autism. And when I get older, it's even get harder to make friends who has the same age or even the same interest as me anymore. And I know it will end with the same result... Wanting to make a new friend but in the end, they either ghosting me (In a friendship way) or blocking me or ignoring me...And that it was my biggest fear when making new friends who has with Autism. And that it brought me depression and anxiety in my life that I don't know if I could overcome it that it will take forever for me to recover.

I felt so shameful of myself and that's the reason why I turned myself into a Sad and Fragile Girl, who accepted the fact that even I have Autism, I am a problematic person and a monster. And I know that I would make them unhappy and I know I might hurt them and they will hate me and be with friends with someone else than me instead because of my terrible past on Tumblr from 2018 and 2020.

And with that...the trauma from this past was still standing there like a scar that would never heal.

With this again, I am sorry once again for hurting you and to everyone who I hurt them. I felt so shameful and regretful. And because the this damage I've done to you and to everybody... I don't know what to do and I am not sure if you're going to forgive me for what I done.

I know that simple apology won't work and it absolutely won't ever forgive me like this so with that...I am going to accept this punishment and consequence from you after I caused this serious damage from long ago. I will became a better person and to forgive myself for now on.

I hope you will take time to forgive me.

III. What happened to you now that you're became a Sad and Fragile Girl?

Aside of remembering the past about my Tumblr days from year 2018 and 2020, there are so many things happening that brought me such trauma, including one memory that took a toll of my life that I named myself as a Scarlet Dream/Scarlet Memory:

And that's no other than...Ravi leaving VIXX due to his scandal over Military Service Evasion/Corruption Issue last April 11, 2023. (In which that Ravi of VIXX is one of my ultimate Kpop biases.)

After my ultimate VIXX bias Ravi left the group, it named as a Scarlet Memory that it brought me a Scarlet Dream that it has 10 times than typical nightmares.

And after Ravi's Departure from VIXX, my happiness has been taken away from me. Especially when things that are happening really bad in year 2023 in Kpop like bad things happening going on at SM Entertainment when they thought that they will going to have a brighter future this year but things are going way too wrong, Astro's Moonbin passed away, Lucas left NCT after his hiatus (Which also means, no more SuperM forever.), VIXX celebrating their 11th Anniversary without Hongbin and Ravi and Ravi's Weverse turned into an archive after it last a year and 3 months.

And in the end...I've lost motivation and interest in listening to newest and my favorite Kpop music and updates anymore. And instead, I am currently listening to music from Ukraine/Ukrainian music because it's really comforting that it brought me more interest than Kpop music and looking forward for exciting Kpop news.

I even lost interest of playing my favorite games anymore after they decided to end the service of Love Live! School Idol Festival All Stars last the end of April. (I wanted to play Love Live! SIF 2 ~MIRACLE LIVE~ but sadly I'd prefer to play on my tablet but the bad news is my tablet has few GB like 32 GB (My current tablet is Samsung Galaxy Tab A7 Lite and I found out that it's NOT perfect for download huge amount of games...))

2023 brought me such traumatic downfalls and traumas for me that I became a Sad and Fragile Girl. I don't know when I will be back to my old self anymore. It's like...my bright aura of my soul is breaking apart and it will fade away any moment now.

I am also still struggling from my depression and anxiety and I am trying to recover myself. It feels like I am walking such a bumpy road that it will took forever to recover this unbearable pain.

Anyways, that's all I have to say in my first post. I am going on a hiatus starting today to July 5, 2023 and I will return this July 6, 2023.

Thank you so much and have a wonderful day.

~Queennie 🥀

[memetaped]

we’re all going to the world’s fair taken from the 2021 film.

welcome to my channel.

i think i’m turning into something, something terrible.

stop smiling. hey, stop smiling.

it was like watching myself on a tv all the way across the room.

but it’s really freaky.

that feeling’s kind of creeping up on me a little bit. i’m not really sure what to do about it.

sorry, i’m not that good at talking with other people.

i was just worried. i wasn’t sure if you were playing, or acting, or letting off steam or whatever. or if you kind of meant it.

i’m going inside the video, through the computer, inside the screen.

i see you there. even if you won’t show your face.

i’m nobody.

so you want to join the internet’s scariest online horror game?

thank you for talking with me.

i swear, some day soon, i am just gonna disappear and you won’t have any idea what happened to me.

whoever’s watching this must be a little bit of a lonely person.

i’ve seen it do things to people you wouldn’t believe.

you know it’s just a game we’re playing, right?

like i’m not even lying with you. like it was like i was walking around the house possessed by some evil spirit.

and i don’t really know you, but i feel like i do.

maybe i’ll just kill myself instead.

no need to sugarcoat it. i promise i’m not scared.

i know it takes a while to come out of the nightmare. sometimes it still feels real even when you’re awake.

my whole body’s numb. i know it should be cold right now but i don’t feel anything.

i need you to promise me that you’re not making it up.

what do you think? i was actually gonna kill myself?

i’m right here. you can go back to bed.

honestly, i spent most of it worrying about you, rewatching your old videos for clues.

it’s like i can feel myself leaving my body. it’s like it’s making me someone else.

you said you think i’m in trouble?

i hate people like that, that know everything.

i think i’ve always felt it. this world wasn’t real. it’s just some kind of dream i need to wake up from.

it can access your dreams, the deepest things you keep hidden. and then, it changes you.

it was my favorite character from my favorite movie. big, fluffy plush doll, so big and cuddly, all the way on the top shelf.

[fallasleepscenarios]

𝓹𝓲𝓬𝓴 𝓾𝓹 𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓼 [bnha headcanons]

what pick up lines do they choose to use when they're on a dare to hit on you? including: bakugo katsuki, kirishima eijiro, todoroki shoto, iida tenya, midoriya izuku, kaminari denki

☆:*´¨`*:.•.¸¸.•´¯`•.♥.•´¯`•.¸¸.•..:*´¨`*:.☆:*´¨`*:.•.¸¸.•´¯`•.♥.•´¯`•.¸¸.•..:*´¨`*:.☆☆:*´¨`*:.•.¸¸.•´¯`•.♥

bakugo k.

cringes at all of the pick up lines he could find online, but uses the coolest ones he could possibly find... "coolest" according to the guy who nicknamed himself Great Explosion Murder God. shamelessly pulls them off.

─Something’s wrong with my eyes, because I can’t take them off you.

─ Do you want to commit a sin for your next confessional?

─Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?

─I’d like to take you to the movies, but they don’t let you bring in your own snacks.

─I think there’s something wrong with my phone. Could you try calling it to see if it works?

─If looks could kill, you'd be a weapon of mass destruction.

─What does it feel like to be the second hottest person in the room?

─Did your license get suspended for driving all these guys crazy?

kirishima e.

chaotic neutral energy, as always, kirishima has ZERO (0) shame and his confidence actually pays off "cringe" doesn't exist in his vocabulary. picks the manliest yet cutest lines he could find.

─Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material.

─I was wondering if you’re an artist because you were so good at drawing me in.

─If you were a vegetable, you’d be a ‘cute-cumber.’

─The sparkle in your eyes is so bright, the sun must be jealous.

─Do you have room for an extra tongue in your mouth?

─Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.

─Did you hear of the new disease called "beautiful", I think you're infected.

─Your lips look so lonely... Would they like to meet mine?

todoroki s.

tries his best to find at least some smart pick up lines, knowing he couldn't find any that wouldn't be cringey. somehow manages to look cool and unproblematic

─You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.

─I swear someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

─They say nothing lasts forever—so would you be my nothing?

─Are you a time traveler? Because I see you in my future.

─Your hand looks heavy. Let me hold it for you.

─You must be tired from running through my mind all night.

─Do you have a bandaid? I scrapped my falling for you.

─If you were a triangle you'd be acute one.

midoriya i.

he suCks at picking lines, sucks at using them. at least isn't as bad at this as Iida. 30% probability of success, he's too cute OBVIOUSLY STUTTeRS

─You know, I’m actually terrible at flirting. How about you try to pick me up instead?

─I hope our love will be like the number Pi: irrational and endless!

─Even in zero gravity, I would still fall for you! (a/n: where my izuocha stans at)

─My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?

─Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? *holds up a mirror*

─You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.

─Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.

─Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

iida t.

is so so bad at this,,, acting natural when assigned anything isn't an option for him his bad and corny choices of pick up lines can only prove how wholesome he is, although he obvs lacks some emotional intelligence in that matter uses formal speech ofc

─I just had to tell you, your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.

─You’ve got everything I’ve been searching for, and believe me-I’ve been looking a long time.

─Are you a magician? Because when I’m looking at you, you make everyone else disappear!

─Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.

─I hope you know CPR, 'cause you're taking my breath away!

─If you were a library book, I would check you out.

─Are you an astronaut because I think you’re out of this world.

─If you were a tear drop I would never cry for fear of losing you.

kaminari d.

just like kirishima, he has no shame in his choice of words.  however,  there's a thin line between funny cringey and repulsive cringey and that's denki veeeery ambitious

─I can’t tell if that was an earthquake, or if you just seriously rocked my world.

─Any chance you have an extra heart? Mine’s been stolen!

─Are you an electrician? Because you’re definitely lighting up my night! (a/n: lmao ironic i love it)

─I think there’s something wrong with my phone. Your number’s not in it

─If I had to rate you from 1 to 10, I'd rate you a 9, because I'm the 1 you're missing.

─My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

─If I followed you home, would you keep me?

─I am no criminal but would you mind keeping an eye on me?

special mention:

mineta m.

as expected, overly sexual..borderline offensive tries his best, but not for the best cause

─I was feeling a little off today, but you’ve turned me on again!

─I lost my keys... can I check your pants?

─Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.

─Your clothes look so uncomfortable, why don't you let me help you take them off?

[lucysometimeswrites]

Kiss the Girl

hello again! thanks for the love on Awards Season :) this one is based on the beginning of lockdown where the boys were living together. had the idea and the title will make sense in part 2 (if you want it). enjoy!

-----------------------------------------

Never in a million years would I have thought I’d live to see a pandemic, much less quarantine with four boys, one of them who just happens to be my boyfriend. Tom and I had been dating for about six months when the global pandemic was declared, and in the heat of the moment, he suggested I come live with him and his brother and mates, as he called them. I immediately refused, of course, because I didn’t wanna impose in any way or make things awkward for them, but he insisted that everything would be okay and that he would not be able to stand the fact that I was out there living alone while this big thing was happening. I don’t know how, but he was very convincing so here I am. In the UK. In London. Living with my boyfriend and three other boys. Still asking myself how or why.

Don’t get me wrong! It hasn’t been horrible by any means. Sure, it took a bit of getting used to and some uncomfortable silences to get over with his housemates, but other than that it has been quite a beautiful experience. I’ve been able to bond with Tuwaine, Harrison and Harry in different ways, and Tom and I have never been happier. 

Until yesterday.

It’s no surprise lockdown drives all of us a little bit insane sometimes, what with trying to keep our jobs and not being able to go anywhere but the same amount of square feet; it’s hard! It’s also very hard to keep our cool with the people we literally see every day and prevent ourself from projecting our stress onto them, which exactly what happened yesterday with that dear boyfriend of mine. 

Tom had been very busy with some scripts he’d been learning and working on his project with Harry and simultaneously trying to keep his fans happy. Many terrible things had been going on that just piled up on him and his stress level went from 0 to 100 real quick. He was also trying to keep me happy. While he was here living with people he’s known his whole life and his family a 20 minute drive away, he was aware that I am his relatively new girlfriend, an outsider, who was miles away from her family and was living with boys and struggling with online work. I didn’t realize this right away, though. How his shoulders sagged a bit each morning, or how his smile didn’t reach his eyes. His laugh was less present around the house, and he started disappearing into his office more and more until the only times I saw him were sometimes during breakfast and when going to bed. I didn’t notice, and neither did the boys, which I felt really guilty about. 

It clicked at the worst time. I kept wondering why I felt things were weird between him and I, my mind going to the worst of places, of course. I started thinking if he wanted me there at all, how I told him it was not a good idea, or that maybe he now realized that he doesn’t really like me and wanted to break up. Ridiculous, he would say, but he wasn’t there to actually say it or prove me wrong. So, I decided to be upfront and ask him. Communication and all that I said in my head, and headed to his office. 

Yesterday . . .

“Tom?” I softly knocked on the door. I heard a faint “Come in”, so I opened the door and saw him sitting at the desk. Brows furrowed, pursed lips, his back hunched a little as he was looking at something closely in his laptop. His eyes never moving from the screen.

“Hey-”

“What do you need?” he said. Wow, blunt. 

“Uh, I wasss wondering if we could talk?” I answered, absently playing with my fingers out of nervousness. Why am I nervous? It’s Tom.

“Does it have to be now?” 

“I was sort of hoping that, yeah” his eyes finally leaving the screen and looking at me, still standing by the door.

“Okay, but I have to get back to work so if you could make it quick, that would be great” How do I make my insecurity “quick”?!

I struggled to find the words before asking him, “Are things okay between us?” my voice becoming small and my eyes finding my feet very interesting while I waited for a response. Which never came. 

I looked up to find him entranced by his laptop once again. It looked as if he hadn’t heard my question, and that upset me.

“Tom” I called his attention sternly, with a bit of a glare.

“What” he said absently.

“I’m trying to talk about something serious here” 

He sighed, clearly annoyed, rubbing his face and turning to me once more, “What is it?”

Trying to be calm, but my voice becoming a little harsher, “I was asking you if things are okay between us”, which didn’t come out as much of a question anymore.

“Of course they are, why do you ask” Wow, he can’t even pretend to be interested?

“Because I feel like I haven’t seen you and that you’re acting weird. I mean you spend most of the day cooped up in here and you don’t hang out with any of us anymore”, I explained.

“Because I have important work to do, Y/N” his face still held seriousness, like his mind was plagued with problems.

“Well can’t you do it later? I don’t know, take a break and have a snack with us?” I suggested, with hope that we’d get to have a laugh and get over the tension. 

“No, I can’t” he answered shortly. I stood up and made my way behind his chair, my hands going to rub his shoulders trying to convince him, “Oh come onnnn, maybe you’ll work even better after! We haven’t seen you in ages and I miss you” I pouted, even though he couldn’t see me.

Now, as if a bomb had exploded out of nowhere, he abruptly stood up and threw my hands off his body, “I said no Y/N! I told you I’m working on important stuff and that I can’t take ‘a little break’” he yelled, mocking me in the last part, “I’m trying my best to keep my job and work with Harry while keeping all of you safe and providing for you, so no, I don’t have time for a break and if you could just go away it would make me the happiest man a live right now” he finished strongly. He huffed and puffed just like the big bad wolf, pointing to the door while I stood there dumbfounded

Ouch. 

I gaped at him with a mix of shock, anger and sadness. Feeling my emotions coming through, I thought like hell he’s gonna see me cry, so I just took a few steps back while making my way to the door and leaving the room quickly, not looking back. As I made my way to our room, I crossed the living room where Harrison, Harry and Tuwaine all quietly looked at me, with pity in their eyes and clearly having heard the argument. I stopped in the middle, looking at each of them but promptly continuing my way to the bedroom, where I closed the door and leaned against it for support. With a few tears slipping down my eyes, I grabbed a towel and locked myself in the bathroom. After turning the shower on, I took off my clothes and got in, letting the warm water fall on me in a comforting matter while I let myself cry freely, thinking once more why am I spending lockdown here with them...with him?

---------------------------------------------------

aaaaa part 2? yes? no? 

[ayellowcurtain]

I can be your lover

chapter 3

Robbe doesn’t think too much about grabbing his phone anymore, clicking on the name, scrolling through the page, clicking on some old pictures just to see him again, watching the new stories, Sander partying with his friends until the early hours of this morning. It’s part of Robbe’s routine to check Sander’s social media like it’s brushing his teeth or skating back home hearing his music.

He brought it to himself so he has to suck it up. Sander is more than well adjusted to his new life, his new friends.

The conversations that used to happen constantly throughout every day changed a few months back and are now just a quick exchange of texts every few days, nothing longer than ten minutes, and nothing too deep inside each other’s lives too. Robbe still misses Sander like he did when Sander first moved away but he doesn’t have the space to say it anymore.

It was obvious that distance would push them apart. They were too naive to think they could beat it.

He missed his opportunities time and time again. The ticket he had to go visit expired a few weeks ago and he knows it was the last straw for Sander to give up on them completely, no matter how much Robbe tried to explain and how many times he apologized for not finding the time or courage to go visit.

Robbe is terrible with words but he managed to say them when he felt it but he’s a disaster with actions and he didn’t take one with someone that’s all about actions speaking louder than words.

“Baby, are you busy today?” He hears his mom’s words like they’re on the other side of a tunnel. He looks up and she’s smiling, repeating her words now that she has his attention.

“No...No, I’m not really busy, why?”

“I was thinking about going to the mall and shopping.” He can feel her excitement in her voice. They don’t do this often: outings that don’t involve their doctors or grocery shopping. And his mom has been doing really, really good and Robbe thinks if he lost one for his lack of attitude, he shouldn’t do the same with his mom.

“Okay. Let me just change.” He smiles back and she claps her hands, leaving his room to go grab her things. The last thing Robbe wants to do is go out but he’ll force a smile on his face and hold however many bags she needs him to hold.

to Jens: Do you want to do something tonight?

I need some beers

He puts his phone inside his jacket to give his mom his full attention for the afternoon, hoping Jens has planned something for them to do by the time he’s back home tonight.

Robbe doesn’t need anything but he lets his mom buy him lunch and when she shows him this perfect black leather jacket that looks a lot like one Robbe used to steal from Sander, he lets her buy it for him too. He checks his phone but there’s no message from Jens yet so he texts Zoe, inviting her for some coffee with his mom before they head home. It’s nice to see her again and his mom loves Zoe so much but Robbe can tell something is up. Zoe keeps looking at him in the way she does when she’s worried. He doesn’t ask because his mom is there and he doesn’t need his mom in the middle of whatever drama Zoe is hiding from him.

On their way back home it’s colder than expected after walking for so many hours inside the mall, the sun is completely gone so the temperature dropped drastically and Robbe finds any excuse to open the bigger bag he’s carrying, putting his new leather jacket on, searching for his phone to put inside the outer pocket. He holds it tighter and the screen lights up, showing the notification of a few new messages from Jens.

to Robbe: No plans but you can come by if you want, play some video game

talked to Jana yesterday

She told me Sander is hooking up with a girl…

Robbe stops walking, carefully reading every message again to make sure he didn’t misinterpret what Jens was saying. He knows he should read this with the biggest grain of salt because Jana has moved back a few weeks ago and she barely knows Sander but in the back of his mind, for a reason Robbe can’t understand, he thinks she might be telling Jens the truth.

to Jens: How does she know that?

He can guess the answer - Britt and her big mouth - but he doesn’t know what to say.

to Robbe: Britt told her that he’s been sleeping with someone for a while now but it’s nothing serious

probably just a fuck buddy

he did repost stories with a blonde girl tho

Robbe leaves to answer Jens later when he’s home, and he opens Instagram instead, Sander’s profile picture being the first one available for him to watch - his favorite hobby -  and he clicks on it without thinking and there it is. Robbe keeps his thumb on the screen to freeze the frame.

It’s a stories of someone else that Sander shared. It’s too fast for Robbe to understand what’s going on but he stops when he sees Sander laughing, with sparkly eyes that are the sign that maybe he’s a little tipsy, always in a better mood after a few beers, his hair messy from what Robbe assumes to be strange fingers running through his locks and the girl finally turns back to look at whoever caught them making out, blushing with the brightest red lips and Robbe takes his finger off the screen and it’s over in the next second.

“Robbe…” Zoe is standing next to him, his mom a few steps forward waiting for them.

“Am I like the last one to know?”

Zoe presses her lips together, trying to justify not telling him about it but Robbe doesn’t really care. It’s his fault anyway. Sander has every right to move on and post it all over social media.

He shoves his phone back in his pocket and Zoe wraps her hands around his arm and forces him to start walking again, acting as nothing happened to his mom while they walk Zoe home and then go home themselves.

He tries to engage in whatever conversation his mom starts about picking which pizza they’ll eat tonight but his brain keeps replaying that quick clip over and over again even though he shouldn’t care.

Sander knows that he saw and he doesn’t text anything to Robbe, as he shouldn’t but Robbe expected him to.

He completely forgets about answering Jens and goes to bed right after eating half a pizza without noticing, turning his phone off, hoping he’ll wake up to some missed calls or texts from Sander, knowing it won’t happen.

The story is still there when Robbe wakes up the next morning. He clicks on Jens’ texts to finally answer him.

to Jens: sorry for disappearing last night, ate some pizza and passed out before I could tell you.

Thankfully, Jens is not online so Robbe won’t have to keep a conversation going when he’s still half asleep and in the worst possible mood.

He pushes himself to lie on his side, staring at the space next to him where Sander would usually sleep.

There were long months of miscommunication, frustration, and excuses because Robbe was too afraid of any change. He finally had the life he dreamed of, and two months after, Sander was moving to another country with no intention of coming back to visit every weekend. That change was big enough to paralyze him, unable to decide for himself what he wanted in their relationship. He thought they could maintain some degree of their relationship online while Robbe worked on himself but it wasn’t enough for Sander, clearly.

And Robbe couldn’t whine and beg for his attention so he kept his neediness to himself while their conversation got smaller and meaningless with time. The few things keeping them close are over now and Robbe can try to hide it all he wants but he knows it won’t be easy.

He clicks on another app that he opens frequently but this one just to look.

The airplane tickets aren’t too pricey, he just has to find one, buy and just fucking go there already! He can’t have another long semester letting the unknown eat his brain out. If he asks Sander he’ll give a too honest answer, cold without thinking about feelings because he’s hurt and he doesn’t care if Robbe gets hurt too because he brought this to them. Sander will be practical and Robbe needs him to be more considerate.

He stops scrolling when he finds a flight to Sander’s new town. His dad sent him his birthday gift in money and Robbe didn’t use much of it yet. Added with all the money his dad sends him every few weeks, it’s barely enough but it’ll work.

He buys the ticket before he can change his mind again and drops his phone on his mattress, looking forward. He has one hour to pack a bag and go to the airport. If he works fast enough he won’t have time to change his mind.

Robbe sits on his bed and grabs his school bag from the floor, unzipping it and turning it upside down on his bed to empty it, leaving the mess for him to deal with when he’s back. He doesn’t know for how long he’ll stay but it can’t be that long that he can’t fit in one bag.

If he tells anyone, as they did to him, they’ll end up telling Sander about his plans. Even Zoe would end up accidentally spilling the news to Jana and she would tell Britt. So Robbe tells Senne that he’ll need him to lie for Robbe for a few days. He needs to pretend he’s sleeping somewhere else so nobody will try to change his mind about jumping on a plane suddenly to go talk to Sander because of a social media post.

He’s the only one that won’t call him crazy or ask any questions.

When everything is planned with Senne, Robbe is finally done packing too, not giving himself even a second to look around and diggest the crazy plan he’s about to do, he’s almost late and the taxi is already downstairs, waiting for him.

He kisses his mom goodbye and quickly tells her he’s going to spend the week at Senne’s because he needs some help with Zoe. He’s out the door before giving a proper explanation or he would get caught in his lie, everything written all over his face because Robbe is that terrible of a liar.

The realization of how fucked his whole plan is only hits him when he’s already in his seat inside the airplane, high up in the sky, being offered some snacks that he declines.  

He looks so desperate, jealous, and thinking sex will fix everything that he ruined. He looks and sounds hot and cold and confusing and Robbe hates the realization while he’s sitting inside an airplane, with no way out to go back home.

If he gets there and Sander is living a married life already with his blonde dream girl, Robbe will have to find a way to dig a hole and hide forever.

He sits forward, finally able to see groups of houses again down on the ground. The pilot tells them they’ll be landing soon and Robbe rushes to the bathroom before he won’t be able to. He washes his face and looks at himself in the mirror. He’s not doing a good job at hiding his nervousness.

He won’t even have time to hesitate while waiting for his bag. Everything he brought is in the compartment over his head. He only needs to get inside a cab and go to Sander’s place. In two hours or so he’ll have to deal with whatever he planned so quickly in his head.

Maybe if he asks what’s going on, it won’t feel so desperate. It’s not unfair to want to know where they stand. Even if it’s a closure that Robbe is not ready to have. He settles for asking, as calmly as he can, what’s going on between them now that there’s someone else again.

The airport is tiny and Robbe is a little bit lost, wandering without knowing where he’s supposed to go to find the taxis. Sander's address is still saved in a print Robbe took of their conversation before they started drifting apart.

Sander had moved to a better apartment that he could only afford because he was sharing with a few of his friends. Robbe remembers typing, asking why was Sander sending him that if they were barely talking to each other those days. He wanted Sander to tell him they were still okay enough but Robbe didn’t send the message, just said the place looked nice, and took a screenshot to save the address.

He asks the taxi driver if it’s a long drive and he shakes his head, looking at Robbe through the rearview, “Five minutes, not much more than that.”

Robbe sighs, trying to make some breathing exercises to prepare himself. Five minutes is not a lot of time, not enough either.

He tries to keep himself from overthinking as he jumps out of the car, putting his bag over his shoulder. The building seems very new, modern even and Robbe wonders how expensive it is to live there.

There’s a guy behind the desk when he walks in and he leads Robbe to the elevator, pressing the button for him, letting him go upstairs by himself. Robbe found a way to mumble, after giving the old man all his information, that it was a surprise so he wouldn’t call Sander. He seemed to get it, smiling and Robbe was giving the directions: on the third floor, the door on his right was Sander’s.

He fixes his hair, adjusts his bag on his shoulder, and stares at the door before knocking, hoping Sander is the one to open it, not one of his friends or the girl. He should have told him he was coming, at least Sander would have time to hide anything he might want to hide but Sander doesn’t seem unhappy to see him at his door. Robbe doesn’t remember what he had planned to say and Sander is quiet too, doesn’t look like he had much sleep time or any sleep for that matter.

He can barely open his eyes, wearing his underwear and a black shirt and Robbe doesn’t wait for another second, putting his hands on Sander’s neck, pulling him down for a heated kiss. He licks Sander’s mouth open, pushing him inside his apartment and Sander slams the door closed behind Robbe, gently taking his bag off his shoulder, finally awake enough to lead the way to a bed.

-

Robbe snuggles closer and carefully lies on Sander’s shoulder. He obviously changed the order of things but there’s no escaping a conversation now while they’re both wide awake, lying in bed together. Robbe wonders if Sander at least changed his sheets. He has to know what Sander is feeling but he’s so afraid of the answer.

He looks up and finds Sander already staring at him, with a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips.

“You know why I came?”

Sander lifts his eyebrows, looking elsewhere now and he sighs annoyingly.

“I’ll be surprised if I don’t.”

Robbe looks down again, at Sander’s hand casually just on his chest, like he’s waiting for Robbe to hold it like he would any other time. He doesn’t because it feels wrong yet but he walks with his fingertips over Sander’s knuckles, wanting to hold his hand, kiss him, tell Sander that there’s no way anyone else is better than them and that’s why he’s here.

“So…is this like Britt all over again?”

He knows it’s not the best way to ask if Sander still wants to be with him and just him but he can’t find another way to do it.

“No. I broke up with Britt right after our first kiss. And I’m not dating anyone right now. So it’s different.”

Robbe looks up knowing he’ll find an upset Sander, he doesn’t ask anything else to not risk his luck. He pushes himself up and looks at Sander face to face, staring at his still reddish lips, and kisses him again, leaving the rest of this painful conversation for later

[freedom-shamrock]

Speaking on My Behalf

Also over on AO3

@saijspellhart allowed me to take this delightful idea and run with it, so here we are.  Go team!

Chapter One

"All right," Marinette said, handing Adrien the steaming mug. "One Cheng family, top secret laryngitis treatment. Careful, it's hot." She could smell the fresh lemon juice as it wafted in her face.

Adrien snorted ruefully, grasping the mug carefully before slumping back into the couch.

"He says, thank you," Plagg offered helpfully from his place sprawled in his holder's ultra messy bed head.

Adrien smiled and nodded in agreement.

"I'm just sorry I can't do more to help you," Marinette said, feeling bad. This was his first real illness since they'd decided it made more sense for Chat Noir and Ladybug to share an apartment. It would limit the risk of anyone else figuring out their identities the way they had.  The miraculous were excellent for preventing colds and illness, but apparently they didn't really impact allergies. The warm spring had been brutal on her partner and close friend. Tikki would point out that he was also Marinette's first and only love (or strongly imply it in her look and point it out once they were alone together), but she was asleep in her nest in Marinette's room.

Adrien shook his head and waved one hand as if to push her worry away.

"There's only so much even you can do, Buggy," Plagg offered. "He gets that."

Adrien vigorously nodded his agreement with his kwami.

"And to be fully honest," the black cat of destruction continued, "he wouldn't have gotten half this kind of treatment back at the mansion." His face squished up in a way that Marinette had come to learn was disgust. "His schedule would've been cleared, partly anyway, and he'd be abandoned in that compensation-chamber-of-shitty-parenting that his father called a bedroom."

Adrien frowned, looking petulant while he made indignant shushing noises at his kwami.

Marinette moved closer, scooping up the book and laptop from the ottoman near the couch, so she could take a seat there. She'd always felt Gabriel's cold nature ran into neglectful, if not full-on abusive, territory, but Adrien was quick to change the subject when things got too close to discussing his family life. "Nathalie doesn't have much of a bedside manner, huh?"

Adrien rolled his eyes. It was amazing just what he could express without his voice, and it was no wonder he was loving the acting classes he'd snuck into his schedule.

"Well you don't live there anymore, and we Dupain-Cheng folk do not believe in allowing those who are ill or uncomfortable suffer alone." She reached out to run her fingertips over his cheek, pleased when he closed his eyes and hummed happily. "I'll be checking on you regularly, and I won't be any farther away than the other room, so just send Plagg if you need anything, okay?"

His gorgeous green eyes fluttered open and he gazed softly at her.

"Yeah, yeah," Plagg agreed, his voice a jarring break in the gentle moment. "I'll come get you if he needs anything."

She'd brought work home from the La Fleur Fashions, the design house she'd joined before she even finished school. It was a small and highly exclusive house focused on women's evening wear, and while that was a bit limiting for her tastes, it paid well, and she enjoyed what she was doing. She'd made sure her contract allowed her to create her own  designs so long as they weren't competing for the same market, for her online boutique. Lucky Bug provided mostly one-of-a kind or commission pieces, including daywear and menswear. "Are you sure you don't want me to bring my work in here?" she asked for what had to be the fifth time.

Adrien's forehead scrunched up as he let out a huff.

"He would like to remind you that he's spent most of his twenty-three years coping on his own when he's ill," Plagg offered.

Adrien's eyes shot up as if he could see his kwami through his skull.

"He'll just feel guilty if you come out here," Plagg added. "No one has the whole guilt thing down like my kitten."

"Don't I know it," Marinette muttered, letting out a sigh and ignoring Adrien's indignant expression. "I promise, I'm happy to be here if it gives you any comfort, but I'm also not going to push. I definitely don't want you to feel more guilty about things that are basic human needs." That had been the first thing they'd had a serious talk about after moving in together.  He was constantly apologizing and trying to avoid being a nuisance.  "You are my best friend in the whole world," she insisted, brushing her thumb down his cheek.

"Ooooh," Plagg purred. "Better than Alya?"

"No contest," she replied, delighted by his response.

He closed his eyes and melted against her hand.

"I am always here for you," she promised. More than anything else in the world, he needed people who cared for him unconditionally, people who wouldn't turn their backs on him and leave him to languish in loneliness.

⁂

Adrien snapped his laptop closed. He was bored out of his mind and while he should have been happy to binge on Netflix, he was stupidly restless. The bright spots in his day had all involved Marinette, dear sweet Marinette, doting on him. He'd woken with a terrible sore throat from his allergies. He'd been able to easily identify it by the distinct characteristic that it felt like he'd tried to swallow a cactus (which he'd actually done once as Chat Noir, and would not recommend). His room mate, super partner, and all around best friend had been more kind to him in the first ten minutes than his father and Nathalie had been, combined, for all his sick days ever. His throat already felt better, but his voice would be gone for at least the rest of the day, but probably longer.

He clicked his tongue against his teeth and gently poked at Plagg, hoping to go for a run.

"No," Plagg grumbled. "We are not going out as Chat Noir today unless there's an akuma." His words were accompanied by tiny feet stomping on Adrien's head. "The Guardian wants you to rest."

Adrien's groan came out as more of a whine thanks to his irritated vocal cords.

"I get that you're fidgety, Kid," Plagg sounded a touch more compassionate. "But she's the boss, and she's right."

Adrien pouted. It was incredibly unfair that his kwami was so affectionate toward Marinette, yielding to her requests with no need of bribery. His frustration was disrupted by a delighted squeal from Marinette's room.

"Woo hoo!" She sounded giddy, and like she was trying to keep her enthusiasm toned down.

Adrien grinned. She was probably doing that full body wiggle that she did when she was super happy and excited. He opened his mouth to call to her, then remembered he couldn't.

"What are you celebrating in there, Pigtails?" Plagg called. He had almost as many nicknames for Marinette as Adrien did.

"This new dress is so awesome," Marinette replied. "I love it when I nail it on one of these. Monique is gonna love this one."

Adrien snorted. Monique loved pretty much all of Marinette's designs. It hadn't escaped his notice that the head designer and founder of La Fleur was asking more and more of her junior employee. She was clearly coming to Marinette when the stakes were highest, though being the humble person she was, Marinette hadn't noticed this herself.

Adrien waved his hand above his head, frantically trying to get Plagg's attention. He wanted to see that dress. He loved it when Marinette gave him his own private fashion shows. They were his own guilty pleasure, and admittedly featured strongly in his daydreams.

"Yeah, yeah," Plagg muttered. "Hold your horses, Kid." He raised his voice to reach Marinette. "We get to see it, right?"

Marinette's head popped out from the tiny hall toward her bedroom. "You really want to see it?"

She looked so happy, and Adrien felt blessed having her bright eyes so intensely focused on him. He vigorously nodded, cupping his hands together in silent plea.

"It would be rude to leave us hanging," Plagg added.

She disappeared with a giggle. "Okay.  Just a minute."

Adrien settled back into the couch, grinning like an idiot and vigorously rubbing his forearms to shed some of his excess energy. A new evening dress. He wondered if it would be cute or elegant, or something else entirely. Since they'd been living together he'd seen her create the gamut of evening dresses, from sweet things for teen starlets, to flirty numbers, to luxurious and sophisticated pieces sought by A-listers. And what color might it be? She'd done everything, though she preferred not to go with black unless it had accents because she felt there tended to be too much weight on basic black. The people wearing her works of art were guaranteed to stand out.

He tried not to pay attention to the sounds of zippers and the swishing of fabric. He was a model for goodness' sake. He could handle having a gorgeous woman change nearby without blowing a gasket.

"These shoes aren't quite right," Marinette cautioned, breaking him out of his little spiral.

"Yeah, yeah," Plagg replied. "It's all about the dress. We got it, Princess."

Adrien couldn't hold back the hiss when his kwami dared use his personal nickname for her.

Plagg merely snickered as he floated off Adrien's hair to land on the back of the couch.

Adrien scowled and batted Plagg off his perch. His death glare seemed to have no effect on the cackling little beast. He felt himself gathering for a pounce when the sound of heels on the wood floor announced Marinette's impending arrival. Freezing, he curled his lip one last time in warning before slowly and intentionally easing himself back into his reclined position.

Marinette sauntered into the room, treating it as her own personal runway. Sashay, sashay. Pause and pose. Quarter turn, pose. He could practically hear the drill he'd walked her through when he'd taught her runway basics. She may not have had real training, because his tutoring had hardly been anything, but she totally killed it, and Adrien was pretty sure his soul left his body the moment he got a good look at her.

The dress was a stunning sleeveless number in a magenta to midnight blue ombre with an overlay of tulle to give the fabric depth and movement without too much weight. The neckline dropped into a gorgeous V ending at her sternum. The skirting had a slit at the front that crept high enough to flash pretty much all over her amazingly toned leg.

She moved to her final pose, directly in front of him, a sultry little smirk on her lips. It was a good thing he was already sitting down, because the wink she threw him would have definitely killed him. She was so amazingly beautiful and talented. Even if his voice had been working, he would have had no words for her now.

After a moment, she relaxed her pose, giggling as she looked down at the dress. "I have to say, this is one of my best."

Adrien nodded vigorously in agreement..

She let out a happy sigh. "What do you think?"

Adrien opened his mouth for a moment, but found himself shutting it again with a little head shake. He still didn't have words, even ones he could silently mouth to her.

"NettieBug," Plagg said smoothly, darting up to float in front of her. "I can answer honestly for the Kid here when I tell you that you're hot as fuck."

⁂

I suspect this will need one more chapter to be truly satisfying.

Apologies for being so absent. I'm still herding kids and managing the household while we are all safe at home for a few more weeks (I can not wait for school to end!). I'm trying to fit in writing where I can, but often don't have the energy.

⁂

Check out Chapter Two >>>

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Yuugiroku 3 Fall Saito Story

managed to recover my first post of the year which seemed to have disappeared from tumblr via exporting it…

hope everyone had a safe and happy new year… recently hit 500 followers over the holidays so I’d like to say thanks for appreciating the stuff I’ve uploaded and my translations (I kinda feel the need to say this but: I am an adult who occasionally uses crude language so please be aware of that. Also, i don’t run an image-focused blog. i only wanted to post everything that I thought wasn’t available as clean images online so that people would be able to find and access more Hakuoki content… and i do believe i have done that for the most part).

Threw together a list of things that I hope translate this year into in one of my other posts today… here’s hoping that it will be less volatile than 2020… tho im not expecting much given the news yesterday though i can’t say that i didn’t expect it.

Anyway. translation. Story from the 3rd Yuugiroku game.

The CN of the title I have for this translates to the effect of “The fate/return/destination of (a) migratory bird(s),” which I think looks weird and I’m not sure how accurate that tl is, so I’m just going to categorize these stories by season and char lol. not that it’ll be any time soon before I go and translate another one of these since this did feel quite long…. and it’s not like anyone else is translating these (please someone translate these xD there are 2 side stories per route and i am not looking forward to torturing myself with them!).

also, a significant portion of the punctuation and stuff wasn’t used in the tl i found for this, so that will be reflected in this… will fix it later.

Hakuoki Yuugiroku 3 - Fall Saito Story

Translation by KumoriYami

That day I was delivering Hijikata-san’s message and came to Saito-san’s room.

Yukimura Chizuru: Saito-san, are you there?

[I] Called him from outside his door but he didn’t seem to hear me.

Did he go out?

But the other warriors clearly stated that he was in the room.

Using a slightly louder voice, I called again.

Yukimura Chizuru: Ah, Saito-san are you there?

Saito: Yukimura, is there something [you need]?

Yukimura Chizuru: Hijikata-san said that he had something to say to Saito-san so I was asked to get you.

Saito: Vice-commander? I see.

I got it/I understand I will go at once, you’ve worked hard, Yukimura. [I’ll check the game for punctuation later….probably?]

Yukimura: It’s rare, for Saito-san didn’t hear me calling you.

Saito: I was concentrating, [and] I didn’t hear your voice.

Yukimura: Concentrating? Was it on sword maintenance?

Saito: nn, more or less.

Yukimura: ．．．．．．？

It was rare for Saito-san to answer questions in such vague terms.

Saito: Isn’t (the) vice-commander calling me? I’ll hurry up.

Saito: You can go back.

Yukimura: I understand, then I’ll be going now.

I gently lowered my head and prepared to leave Saito-san’s side.

Yukimura:．．．．．．

His unusual mood made me feel a little worried.

Afterwards at dinner, there was a strange/unusual incident.

Saito-san who finished eating earlier than everyone else set down his chopsticks.

Heisuke: What’s wrong are you already full Hajime-kun?/Hajime-kun you’re already full?

Saito ……Nn.

Yukimura: There’s more of Saito-san’s favourite tofu.

Saito: I’ve had enough for now, I’ll be leaving first.

Leaving behind those words, Saito-san bought his plate into the kitchen.

Nagakura: What’s wrong with Saito? It’s simply unfathomable for him to only eat a small portion of tofu.

Harada: It doesn’t look like he’s feeling unwell, so maybe he secretly ate earlier?

Yukimura: What, Saito-san isn’t a person who would do something like that.

Toudou: Hajime-kun’s been acting weird lately. In the morning today, he went back to his room right after practice.

Nagakura: did he have a headache? Sano, did you ask him?

Harada: If he doesn’t want to say anything, then I can’t ask.

Nagakura: If this continues, perhaps something permanent might happen [gave up rewording for now lol].

Yukimura:．．．．．．

What was wrong with Saito-san?

Was something bothering him?

A few days later.

For the sake of mending the warriors’ uniforms, I went to the common room [tl is large main hall].

Chizuru: Ah, you’re here, Saito-san.

Saito: ! Yukimura——

Saito-san hid what he was holding behind him in a panic.

What was it?

It looked like a book.

Saito:……Will you be mending clothes here?

Yukimura: Yes, will this bother you?

Saito: No, it’s no bother.

Yukimura: Then I’ll be mending/sewing here.

I took out my needlework box and began mending the clothes.

Saito-san seemed to be hesitating about if he should stay or leave/ leaving or staying.

Yukimura: Um.

Saito: What?

Saito: Was Saito-san reading something just now?

Saito: Ah, um, nn, more or less.

Yukimura: Don’t mind me and continue reading.

Saito: But.

Yukimura: Am I bothering you?

Saito: No, but……

Saito-san looked very confused, after…

Saito: Yukimura.

Yukimura: What is it?

Saito: I hope you don’t tell anyone else that I was reading this book.

Yukimura: Don’t tell the others?

What was going on?

To actually not want any of the other warriors to know about this book.

Could it be that this book was on something, like assassination techniques, that shouldn’t be passed onto others?

I felt a bit uneasy.

Yukimura: I understand. I will never tell anyone else.

Saito: I believe you.

With a sharp glance at me, Saito-san began to read again.

The cover of the book looked badly worn.

Yukimura: Is that a manual on kenjutsu?

Saito: Yes, I happened to find it a few days ago, and took it to read. As a result, I’ve started reading this without stopping. If I have time, I’ll read. [reword later]

Yukimura: So it was like that.

That’s why Saito-san has been behaving strangely lately.

Yukimura: But why don’t you want to let the other warriors know?

There was no need to hide a swordsmanship manual.

Saito: That, because. The author of this book and I are not from the same school. Reading manuals from other styles is considered unethical.

Yukimura: I see.

I couldn’t help but laugh at such serious reasoning.

But, that truly was Saito-san’s style.

I started sewing again as Saito-san to read again.

We focused on our own things, and while we were in the same room, it however was natural for there to be no dialogue.

Retreating to the tranquility of the autumn night with only the sound of cicadas, [reword later] and the occasional sound of Saito-san turning a page.

Suddenly I was very interested in that sound and was looking in/looked in Saito-san’s direction.

Focused on reading, his entire posture was completely serious.

My heart felt happy just by looking at him, and I unconsciously smiled.

As a result, he noticed my staring, and while his gaze didn’t leave the book, he asked me a question.

Saito: What’s wrong? Is there something on my face?

Yukimura: No, Saito-san’s expression is very earnest/serious.

As a result, Saito-san tilted his head slightly, murmuring quietly.

Saito: So there’s nothing strange. I don’t understand what you’re thinking.

Yukimura: If I’ve upset you, I’m sorry.

Saito: I’m not upset.

Saito-san lightly sighed, adjusting the way he sat slightly.

Yukimura: Saito-san really loves kenjutsu.

Saito: I don’t have any other skills, but I do have some knowledge about kenjutsu/experience.

Yukimura: Ah, a talent/Oh my.

The conversation ended like this, and Saito-san once again began focusing on the manual.

From time to time, there was the sound of pages being turned.

The silence was soothing. I continued sewing the clothes.

A few days later.

I finished washing the clothes, and was about to head back into my room.

Nomura: Spare me, Saito-san. There’s no way we can defeat Saito-san./How could we beat Saito-san!

I saw Saito-san, Souma-kun and Nomura-kun practising with the blunt side of their swords [check jp mtl].

It looked like he was trying to put what he had read in that book a few days ago into practice.

Saito: A little bit more, just a bit more and I’ll have grasped it. One more time.

Souma: But we’re going on patrol next. Regardless of what is said, we can’t neglect our duties as members.

Saito: I’ll finish this as as [you?] obtain a point. There won’t be any problem.

Nomura: To quickly get a single point, what the hell is that! This is terrible.

Souma: But it’s pointless to continue like this…

As of the three of them talked, Nomura noticed me an started speaking with me.

Nomura: Ah, Yukimura-senpai, you’re just in time.

Yukimura: Ah, just in time for what?

Nomura: Why don’t you ask Yukimura-senpai to practise with you, Saito-san?

Saito: Ask Yukimura?

Yukimura: This, that’s not something I can do, there’s no way I can fight Saito-san.

Nomura: That doesn’t matter, we’re about the same [skill] level.

Yukimura: But…

Nomura: We have to go on patrol later, so please help us.

Souma: Nomura, don’t force Yukimura-senpai like this. Yukimura-senpai is also very busy.

Yukimura: ．．．．．．

Fighting against Saito-san will be incredibly difficult.

Yukimura: Saito-san, am I okay [acceptable?]?

Saito: Is that okay? Have you been instructed to do anything?

Yukimura: I’ve already finished with those things. However I don’t know if I’ll be of any use.

Saito: That is more than enough, thank you, Yukimura.

Yukimura: Not at all.

Nomura: The we’ll be going to work, so we’ll leave this to you, Yukimura-senpai!

Souma: Is this really okay, Senpai?

Yukimura: There aren’t a lot of opportunities to learn/This is a good opportunity to learn.

Souma: Then, we’ll be leaving/take our leave.

Yukimura: Okay. See you.

The two of them went directly back into headquarters to prepare for patrol.

Saito: Then, let us begin, Yukimura. Are you ready?

I took a stance a distance away from Saito-san, and held up my kodachi.

Yukimura: Please advise me. [well not sure what the JP equivalent of this is….]

Following the silence, my entire body was filled with a sense of tension [reword later].

After.

At the sound of my foot stepping forward, in a split second, Saito-san was facing me.

Chizuru: !

I hurriedly prepared myself, but he was faster than I was.

Yukimura: Ah!

My kodachi flew in an arc and landed on the ground.

Saito: Ippon.

Yukimura:……

Saito-san’s killing intent left me speechless.

Saito: As expected, knowledge acquired from reading needs to be tested in real combat.

As Saito-san spoke, he picked up my kodachi, which had fallen onto the ground, and handed it back to me.

I received it with trembling hands.

Yukimura: Thank you very much.

Saito-san became stronger again.

Saito: The fact remains that you have also improved, Yukimura.

Yukimura: Is that so……

Saito: Let’s return now. It’s about time to prepare dinner.

Yukimura: Yes!

Afterwards, Saito-san and I helped prepare dinner together.

—-end—

next week’s post is Saito’s 7th Ginsei no Shou chapter!

[artificialqueens]

Things That Were (Branjie) - pureCAMP

A/N - … Hi.

I won’t get into it, I don’t think I need to. But here’s a return no one expected, at least.

I wrote this based on some Feelings I have and also Jinkx’s song The Auld Lang Syne Song from… Christmas Queens 3? It has this beautiful sad, wistful, nostalgic kind of feel and it made me nostalgic for love and that strange time between Christmas and New Years. Largely sad, mostly bittersweet. Dedicated to my love Ortega, and in part for the nostalgia fic challenge.

I appreciate any and all support I’ve been given over these past months.

You have a new memory from (1) years ago!

Brooke swipes across absent-mindedly. She doesn’t think much about it, they pop up all the time in the holiday season. There’s a little loading screen, decorated with animated tinsel, that flashes in her face before every ounce of breath is knocked out of her body.

This is what dying feels like. Brooke wonders if there’s a loading screen before entrance into the afterlife. She supposes it would allow the dead some time to adjust, at least.

It’s a perfect, filtered picture. The Christmas tree looks beautiful, even as the pine dies, all decked in shades of red and gold, glittering twists and lights that twinkle gently enough to lull you to sleep. It stands tall in the background of the photo, illuminating everything with a cosy glow. At the forefront of the image, Brooke is that kind of happy, sleepy, warm drunk. Full of Baileys, probably, and little mini mince pies and leftover chocolate from boxes opened and half-finished. There’s a glass of red wine behind her, slightly visible on the table. She’s cradling Henry to her chest, kissing the top of his head.

Vanessa is next to her. The remnants of plum lipstick still on her lips, grinning, Apollo in her arms. She’s beautiful. She looks and feels like how Christmas is supposed to - welcoming, kind, gentle, sweet. And Brooke knows that she’s drunk too, and right after this she burst into laughter and her foghorn voice shattered the cosiness and it was so right and so them. And she knows how her stomach had twisted horribly after they took it.

It’s perfect. She won’t share this one. It will stay in her archives. It’s really been a year, huh.

The cats look at her accusingly, as if they know. They probably do know. They know everything about Brooke. Every flaw, every fault. If they could speak, she knows they’d ask for Vanessa instead of her. Well, tough. Vanessa’s gone, Brooke thinks, almost aggressively as if she’s trying to telepathically tell them so. Vanessa’s been gone for a year.

Or has she? Vanessa isn’t the one who left. Vanessa isn’t the one who walked out without warning, who pretended the bliss was as blissful as it looked and then ran from it all. No, no, that was Brooke.

She shuts off her phone, clicks the button to make the picture fade to black. The switch from warm and bright to black is jarring. It’s probably how Vanessa felt, waking up to an empty bed.

“Brookieeeeee,” Vanessa sings. She’s grinning, cheesing so hard that her eyes have disappeared, nothing but the flicker of a fake eyelash visible from them. “Brooklyn Briiiiiidge…”

Brooke turns, laughing, and waves away the whistles and teasing mumbles from their friends. “Vanjie?”

She pushes her lips together and makes kissy noises, wordlessly begging. Brooke gently holds her chin, lifts her head, kisses. She tastes like cinnamon and nutmeg and chocolate, a festive concoction of things that Brooke usually hates but loves on her. Vanessa looks amazing in gold and she’s an Oscar from head to toe, sparkling, beautiful.

Akeria makes pointed eye contact with Brooke, then mimes gagging herself with two fingers.

Vanessa rolls her eyes, the fondness on her face so evident that it could light up the entire bar. “I love you.”

And Brooke kisses her. The kiss says what it needs to.

Christmas a whole year ago. Brooke made a series of decisions. Stupid ones, maybe. Definitely. She doesn’t know who she’s kidding.

Funny how she finds it so hard to kid herself. Apparently, she had no issue kidding Vanessa.

A little while after Silky comments that Brooke really shouldn’t still be living in the shithole apartment she rented at 20, she realises that as rude and bluntly honest it had seemed at the time, she’s right. She resolves not to mention this to Silky, in case her ego inflates too far and she flies away like Aunt Marge (she thinks this with love), and starts looking online. And it’s impossible.

So out comes the phone, because there’s only one person to go to for this. For anything. Because she’s always there and she’s always willing and she only ever wants some quality time as payment.

B: Vanjie [8.22pm]

B: Vanjerella….. [8.22pm]

B: Vanessaaaaaa [8.23pm]

V: brooke lynn hytes [8.24pm]

B: Not the full name… am I in trouble? [8.24pm]

V: do u wanna be? ;) [8.24pm]

B: Hmm… I’ll think about it… [8.24pm]

B: Anyway I need your heeeeeelp [8.24pm]

V: i gotchu boo [8.25pm]

V: what u need baby [8.25pm]

B: Cutie [8.25pm]

B: I’m going apartment hunting, help me look? Idk what to even look for [8.25pm]

V: exciting!!!!!! [8.26pm]

V: babyyyyy this is so exciting for u omg!!! I love moving [8.26pm]

V: i hope i can help!! im usually terrible at this but i think we’ll have fun!! [8.26pm]

V: although i gotta wonder what made u ask me instead of somebody smart like nina [8.27pm]

B: Ah shit, great point nvm I’ll ask her [8.28pm]

B: Jk. Asked u because ur always here visiting, may as well find something u like as well <3 [8.28pm]

V: u bout to make a bitch cry [8.29pm]

Vanessa was over in maybe ten minutes tops, Brooke remembers. It was like she could read Brooke’s mind, and she’d brought coffee for them both to keep them going and even a little bag of kitty treats from the place she’d stopped at (“a guy was sellin’ them outside and I felt a little sorry for him in the cold so I bought ‘em. They’re good, the ones you usually get!”). They were up for hours scrolling, and then searching in person just so that she could act as a second opinion.

Brooke stands up from the couch and walks slowly, heavily, towards the window. Her Christmas tree is silver this year, silver and purple, and as pretty and icy as it had seemed when she decorated it, it feels cold and desolate now. It reflects on the glass and for a moment it’s hard to focus on the world outside when the world inside is so disturbed, but she manages. Dark as it is, the lights of the city are never gone, and she has a beautiful view of a metropolitan paradise laid out beneath her.

Vanessa loved the view. She picked it, in a way. Brooke was unsure about the viewing, and Vanessa wheedled, tugging her arm and telling her she’d love it.

She did love the view. But it was Vanessa’s view, that she saw first, that she loved first. Now it just makes Brooke feel sick. Sick at herself. Like it’s not hers to look at, and she shouldn’t.

She looks away.

A change of scenery helps to calm the mind, Brooke thinks. Nina told her that once, she vaguely recalls, as she sobbed helplessly into the arms of the only one who would listen. The only one who didn’t think of her as a raging evil bitch, and more of a hopeless coward instead. It’s not much better, but it’s a small comfort given how much she hates herself for it. She’s more inclined to go with what the rest of them all thought after it happened.

It’s late, anyway. Maybe it really is time to read a book and push down the thoughts and try to sleep away the regret.

“Oh god, oh god. Vane- fuck,” She breathes.

Waves of pleasure shoot through her, beginning deep in her belly and sending shockwaves all up Brooke’s back. Her hands grasp at the sheets around her head, desperate, clinging, her mind and body totally incognizant of each other. Her body is on fire, and her mind isn’t even functioning correctly.

Vanessa’s mouth is hot and fast and her tongue is skilled, and every time she grazes over her clit with the swift, feather-light touches Brooke thinks she’s going to pass out. Her fists grab tighter and her toes curl and a gasp floats from her lips, accidental, unstoppable. She manages to tear one hand away and threads it into Vanessa’s dark hair, urging her to keep going.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop, fuck…” She manages.

The goddess between her legs doesn’t stop, not until long after the inaudible mumblings have stopped falling from Brooke’s lips and her breaths are finally starting to slow, and she wonders how Heaven is meant to be above them when she feels herself sinking into it right now. Brooke thinks absent that maybe Heaven is here and everything else is Hell because nothing feels like being with Vanessa feels, and when they’re naked and intertwined and breathless and warm maybe they’re closer to God than they’ll ever be.

She catches herself before three words make their way out.

“God, this fucking mattress…” Is what she ends up producing. It’s digging into her back, lumpy and old. She’s only just noticed, in truth.

Vanessa’s head lifts, her makeup smudged in a way that feels beyond sinful to look at. She licks her lips coyly, sucks off her finger, and offers a lazy, heady sort of smile.

“The mattress? That’s all you got, boo?”

She’s laughing, happy, delirious. Brooke laughs too. “I don’t have to say anything about you. Isn’t the state of me enough?”

It is. On her back, chest peppered with bruises not yet formed, chest rising and falling beyond her control, legs still twitching slightly. Brooke’s completely spent, blissed out, exhausted. Vanessa’s still worn out from hers and yet her tongue is musical and the melodies were handcrafted by all the muses of the ancient world.

Still smiling, Vanessa shifts so she’s hovering on top of Brooke and then leans down to kiss her, their bodies colliding, Brooke tasting herself on the lips of her lover. It’s nights like these that make her feel like the world is a good place to be. That everything is fixable, everything is brilliant.

“We should get you a new mattress, baby,” Vanessa tells her when they break apart. “And I’ll probably never leave.”

Brooke forces a laugh, but the idea isn’t laughable. Vanessa and Forever go hand in hand, somehow.

And they do go shopping for a mattress for Brooke’s place. They wander through stores and discuss mattress firmness and size and height and flop down until they feel as though they’re ready to drop, and then Vanessa lands on one and yells “BROOKIE!” so loud that her voice - that goddamn voice - almost shatters the glass. She’s laying down with a beam on her face like nothing Brooke’s ever seen, pure sunshine, and she clearly has the best taste in mattresses because when she buys it, Brooke’s never slept so good in her life.

The bed is cold. Brooke deserves a cold bed. She left Vanessa in one, so it’s the least she can deal with it.

They weren’t always at Brooke’s - sometimes it was Vanessa’s too, for the sake of variety. Looking back on those memories makes Brooke feel like the biggest idiot in the world. Which she is, of course, and she knows it. But even here, the mini Christmas tree is cold and isolated, and Vanessa gave it to her as an early gift last Christmas, and Vanessa chose the mattress, and Vanessa picked the view. Brooke stares at everything that Vanessa has touched in her life and wonders why in the world she let herself ruin something so good. It’s selfish and stupid and self-sabotaging and that angel of a woman deserves so much more.

She thinks about sharing the picture. She could caption it with that song, ‘Now I’m in the house you chose and the bed you bought to face your perfect view’, and that could be her apology. Because she knows all too well she’s too much of a blind coward to say it properly. And Vanessa won’t see it even if she does share, because they’re not friends anymore. Someone will get it to her - probably Silky - but that’s not worth it.

Brooke opens her phone again, and swipes away from the picture before she does something stupid. Then she opens her texts.

B: Are you busy? [10.11pm]

B: Oh shit sorry, just saw Yvie’s insta, u guys are out tonight. Ignore this x [10.13pm]

N: No no! They’re out, I’m home because I was working all day and I was too tired :( [10.19pm]

N: What do you need hun? <3 [10.20pm]

B: If ur tired it’s okay, I’ll talk to u another time x [10.20pm]

N: Shut up. I’m here [10.21pm]

N: I think I know what’s going on. Right time of year [10.21pm]

B: I’m just an idiot, idk [10.22pm]

N: Nope. Stay where you are, I’m coming over. [10.22pm]

N: Did she text you? [10.24pm]

B: She’s not that stupid lmao why would she [10.24pm]

Nina is the only one who bothered to ask what the hell was going on when it happened. It’s not like Brooke can blame the others, and she doesn’t either. If someone did that to her best friends, she would be the same. And she is the same - she hates herself passionately for it. But Nina has this untraceable kindness to her, this unfathomable tenderness that seems to have no beginnings, no ends, no limits. It flows so freely from her, like a gift.

She has no idea how much time passes by crying and looking blankly at her phone, or even any idea when she started crying, but the doorbell rings and Brooke answers it already in tears and Nina sweeps her into a hug like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and maybe it is. To love your friends is easy and natural, like taking a breath in clean air.

To love someone special is like inhaling in water, drowning, getting lost. And you have to be content with the helplessness in order to survive it, or at least strong enough to swim and keep it going. You can’t just sink. Brooke couldn’t handle drowning.

“I’m a fucking idiot,” She weeps into Nina’s arms, once her choking sobs settle into streaming tears. It’s not better, just different. “I wanted to be with her forever and that was so fucking scary.”

Nina rubs her back. “Breathe, breathe. It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.”

“Is- is she okay?”

Stupid question. Brooke isn’t sure she even wants to know.

The hug finishes; they’re on the couch again. Nina pulls out her phone, frowning, and pauses like she’s thinking. She looks guilty, which is unusual.

“I would never normally show a friend’s text, y’know? It’s private, I don’t do all that betraying trust stuff. But I know she’ll delete these tomorrow morning and I think you should see them before she does.”

V: so its been a ear then hasnr it [10.56pm]

V: a year of fwithout brook [10.56pm]

V: honestly fuck her yknw what i man [10.56pm]

V: she fuckin broke mt heart man why did she do that [10.56pm]

V: i miss her an the stupid vats so muhc [10.57pm]

V: tha sonf auld lang syne plaed earlier in the bar bef4 eht club [10.57pm]

V: very apropaotye hahahahksjkdh [10.57pm]

V: may rhe acwanriance be forgot forever and fuckung ever [10.57pm]

V: is okay i can lobe w the bitternness [10.57pm]

V: i just kisd girls unt il it dont hurt [10.57pm]

Brooke sobs. Again, loud, shaking, broken. Because Vanessa is hurting so much even a year after it happened and everything feels so raw and it’s entirely her own fault for crushing the dream they were building.

“I miss her so fucking much, I don’t know why- I don’t know why I walked out,” She babbles, helpless and hopeless and hurt. “I’m fucking lying, Nina, I know why, I know why I did it. Why did I fucking-”

She knows all too well. Because Vanessa helped her pick an apartment and Vanessa picked her bed and Vanessa loved her cats. Because Brooke could imagine them getting married and growing old and it had barely been four months by the time Christmas and New Years were rolling around and everything seemed so serious and so intense, and that didn’t mean it wasn’t fun but it was scary in the same breath because speed was terrifying.

Brooke is bitter, but only at herself.

New Years Day. January 1st, a brand new year, a bright new start. The frost glistens freshly on the undisturbed morning, and all across the city, singles and couples sleep through the dawn, hungover or still passed out drunk, party hats akimbo, party blowers still suspended in smudged lipsticky mouths.

It’s early, enough that the daylight is blinding but pale and faded. Vanessa’s bedroom has the huge window that she never covers, and she sleeps through it like the dead. Brooke wakes up and looks around.

She looks at everything but Vanessa, but eventually her gentle snuffling is too much to ignore and she looks down at her beautiful sleeping form. She’s a disaster, hair everywhere and glitter still all over her face, and she’s the most breathtaking woman in the entire wide world. Something heavy and all encompassing sweeps into Brooke’s chest, and she can identify it by name. It’s only four letters, but it strikes a fear in her like an old god from a lost world. She needs to vomit. She needs to run. She needs an escape.

Before she even knows who she is again, any of the things that ended up staying half their time at Vanessa’s are stuffed into a couple of carrier bags and she’s in her dress from the party and out of the door into the cold winter air, panicked, unable to breathe.

It’s a heart attack, she thinks. Or a panic attack. It’s an attack that feels like it’s going to kill her, and she runs away, and she runs all the way home and barricades the door shut, dropping her belongings on the floor, numb and confused and cold. It’s the start of the new year and she begins it alone, hyperventilating.

Within a couple of days the worried texts subside and the angry vengeful ones start flooding in, and just like that Brooke’s lost the best thing that ever happened to her and all of her friends along with it. Because she got up on new year’s day and abandoned Vanessa fast asleep and that was the end.

It’s ugly and chilling, how much she cries into Nina’s gentleness. The only thing that stops her is, ironically, the thing that makes her feel worse, the characteristic ‘ping!’ of Nina’s phone, undoubtedly more drunk texts.

V: i hoper he fucjibg bubble bursts this tie of year [11.23pm]

V: every jhanduary first for the rest of hersitnkin life [11.23pm]

“I deserve it,” Brooke whispers hoarsely, “But she doesn’t. She never did.”

“Neither of you do,” Nina tells her sadly. “They don’t all hate you, they hate what you did the way friends always do when breakups happen. You both deserve to be happy. And both of you have been dreading New Year’s for this exact reason.”

It hurts to hear, and Brooke wishes she doesn’t have to listen, but her friend is so goddamn wise it feels stupid not to.

“Two days until it’s officially New Year.” Nina kisses her hand. “Can you keep living like this, Brooke?”

It’s not like she even has to say it for Brooke to understand. “She hates me.”

Nina shakes her head. “No she doesn’t. She loves you.”

“That’s worse.”

“You love her.”

“I know.”

“You got scared.”

“I still am.”

“Face your fears.” Nina holds her at arm’s length, forcing her to look right into her face. “This hurts more than what blundering through it would, surely? Fire doesn’t always mean you get burned, sweetie. Sometimes it just warms you.”

She makes no fucking sense.

“I can’t play with Vanessa like that again.” Brooke swears. “I can’t.

The transitional period between Christmas and New Year doesn’t feel like real time. It’s just liminal space, a waiting room of chronology, a suspension in space. If she’s honest, trying now causes no harm, because it’s like it didn’t even happen. Maybe she should, maybe she will.

Eventually Nina leaves, pressing a kiss to her forehead and promising that somehow everything is going to be okay. She’s like a fairy godmother, Brooke thinks to herself. Always knowing, always positive, and total magic to behold.

She’s awake all night long just staring at the time on the top of her phone, lying in bed sideways and wondering if she’ll do it. It has to be right. It can’t be when she’ll still be awake and drunk and angry. But it can’t be on the anniversary of her biggest fuck up, because that just feels like some kind of sick joke and that’s not what she wants.

The entire night passes. At six am, her finger hovers over the send button for a full three minutes. She counts the seconds.

B: I fucked up. If u’ll have me, I’ll never mess u around again. I didn’t know I could love someone so much and then u came along and everything sped up and I wasn’t fast enough. I shouldn’t have thrown away what we had when it was as close to perfect as anything can get. This message is all me me me I I I but if ur okay with it, I think new year should begin right this time. I’ll hold u and I won’t let go, and u don’t even have to hold me as long as ur here. Everything is up to u. I’ll learn to live with what I did if u say no. Because I totally get why u should hate me. I hate me too, kinda. U did nothing wrong. U were and will always be perfect. [6.03am]

B: Full disclosure is I was scared of how much and how quick I loved u. But it didn’t go away even when I hurt u. I was stupid to do that, and I don’t wanna do another year in the shadow of that massive mistake. [6.05am]

B: I won’t say it here, because thats cheap for u. But I’ll say it when I see u again. I promise, and I want to [6.13am]

She falls asleep with her phone in her hand after being awake all night long.

She wakes up four hours later.

V: ur dumb [9.51am]

V: theres a party at yvies for new years yknow [9.52am]

V: im not saying ill kiss u at midnight but [9.52am]

V: fuck around and find out [9.52am]

(tags: purecamp, branjie, brooke lynn hytes, vanessa vanjie mateo, lesbian au, things that were, fic challenge, nostalgia challenge, nina west)

[monstersandmaw]

Evening to ya, Ghosti✌️😆

Sorry if the wording sounds silly, but I wanted to ask if you know any rituals I could do for the New Years. 🤣 Christmas hasn't been exactly an easy time for me for various reasons and I tend to get the holiday blues pretty bad, and for a long old while New Years has felt very similar. I'm doing my best to feel hopeful and to have some faith for the new year, but it's turning out to be trickier than I anticipated. So I wanted to ask for suggestions as to do anything that could help feeling more hopeful, I dunno. :3

Though feel free to ignore this if you don't have the energy for it. I hope you had delightful holiday however you celebrated!!! 😊💖💖💖💖

Hey anon! (it’s now afternoon here in the UK, and it was morning when I started this! I got a bit carried away). I don’t know that I’m necessarily the right person to ask about this, but here are some ideas of things I’ve found helpful/centring/calming anyway which you could draw from. Other folks, please feel free to chime in with your favourite ways to put the old year to bed and welcome in the new one!

(first of all, I’m sending you lots of virtual ghostli hugs to help drive away those holiday blues. That sucks, and I’m so sorry it’s been so tough for you.)

Here’s a rundown of what’s below, and I’ll put in a ‘keep reading’ so that it’s not an incredibly long post! Some of it is more on the ‘spiritutal’ side of things, and others are just mundane and practical things.

Congratulate yourself on making it through the clusterfuck that was 2020

Make some tea and meditate on what’s been and what you wish for

Go outside, be still, and breathe deeply

Let go of negative events and thoughts by writing them down, then safely burning the paper

Disconnect from social media for a few days (or however long you’re comfortable with)

Start a bullet journal

Write lists of goals for 2021 and then refine/distill them down to 3 manageable objectives

Commit 100% to 6 months of positive change

Pick three dates/months in the year when good things will happen, and make them happen (including growing veg/fruit)

Light a candle on the full moon or New Year

Ok, so, first of all, you’ve made it through this year!! That’s no small accomplishment, given the sheer volume of absolute shite that has been flung at us from all angles, no matter where in the world you live. Celebrate that. Seriously, I’m not being flippant. Take a moment of stillness wherever you are, be ‘present’, and just think about the fact that you’re here, right now, reading this post. Not everyone is here any more for one reason or another, but you did it. Congratulate yourself and celebrate that. Treat yourself to a slice of cake (or something you really enjoy) specifically to celebrate making it through 2020.

Make a cup of tea (try a new blend or recipe perhaps, or stick with your absolute favourite), or make a comforting drink of your choice. As you pour the water into the cup, breathe in the steam and enjoy the scent of it. Try and imbue all the positive things - memories, achievements, moments etc. - that you encountered this year into the tea/drink, and think about them growing in strength as the tea steeps, and envisage them continuing on to next year too. When you drink the tea, you take the positive thoughts into yourself and they become a part of you. You could try it in the morning with a caffeinated drink (if you enjoy those) and let it fuel you for the day, or you could try a herbal tea at night to let the good vibes steep overnight while you rest. Make it part of your daily routine; a private meditation.

Go outside and find a quiet spot somewhere and either stand or sit and just soak up the atmosphere. If there’s a tree nearby, think about the way its roots are planted in the earth, its trunk stands tall, and its branches reach towards the sky. Feel that space inside you. Breathe deeply in and out, visualising your lungs filling to the deepest parts, starting at the bottom. Count to four for each inhale, and six out (or whatever you’re comfortable with, so long as the exhale is longer than the inhale). This will help to still you and calm you.

If you have something fireproof (can just be a ceramic bowl), take a piece of paper and make a moment to write down all the negative things about this year, using a pen that you’re comfortable with. If you’re not one for words, draw pictures. You can make it really beautiful or just scribble it all down - it doesn’t matter. Get that shit out. Look at it for a while and read it through, mentally letting go of each thing as your eyes pass over it, then light one corner (carefully!!!) and let it burn somewhere with good ventilation (a cooker hood is good for that, but outside is better). Visualise all that negativity being swallowed by the universe and let it go. My favourite line from the Seamus Heaney translation of Beowulf comes at Beowulf’s funeral when a Geat woman is singing her grief at his passing to the sky, and there’s the simple sentence: “Heaven swallowed the smoke.” How beautiful is that? The sky swallowed up her grief as she poured it out to the universe. The negativity might take some time to vanish from your life (it’s not going to disappear at the same time as the paper, sadly!), but watching it go can be the first stage of letting things go. I did this last year, and I’m only just letting go of the last things on that list, but it was a start, and it made me feel more at peace. 

Disconnect from social media. I know that with so much more happening online this year out of necessity, we’ve become even more dependant on our phones and computers, and it’s wonderful that we have this chance to connect with people when we can’t see them face to face, but social media can also act as a crucible for negative feelings. People usually post the best or the worst aspects of what’s going on for them or what they care about, so it leads to a skewed view of both the world and of what’s going on amongst our connections. It’s easy to start feeling insignificant next to someone else because of their achievements or their looks etc. and it’s also easy to start to get a bleak outlook when the news is full of terrible stories and people are reacting to it in a volatile and often knee-jerk way. Take some time off - uninstall the apps, or put the limiter setting on, or just step back - for a day, two days, a week, whatever you’re comfortable with. It doesn’t have to be forever. If you use those platforms to talk to people, tell them what you’re doing, and give them another way to reach you if they need. No need to isolate yourself completely!! Think about how you felt before you started it (write it down?) and do the same afterwards, and compare. If it didn’t work for you, then that’s fine too. 

Start a bullet journal! Now is the perfect time to start bullet journaling. I first started this year when I felt like time was slipping through my fingers and my life was out of my control, and it’s really helped me to get a sense of order back. It’s not the magic cure-all for procrastinators and time wasters, trust me, but it can help to organise your mind as well as your day, and keep track of your habits etc. It can be literally whatever tool you need it to be. There’s a trend on social media - particularly Instagram and YouTube - that shows off these gorgeous journals that are basically works of art in themselves, and while it’s absolutely fine to aspire to that if you want to, the essential point of the bullet journal is to be a tool. You can buy print-outs from Etsy if you don’t fancy doing your own spreads. But don’t get completely hung up on pretty spreads and layouts because you won’t use it fully then. If you’ve got ‘new book fear’, like I did, make your own! I literally started my journaling by folding a few pieces of paper over, slapping a few stickers on them to cheer them up, and writing some lists. I didn’t buy a ‘proper’ journal until July 2020 when I’d got the hang of what I wanted out of the tool, and how to use it. I adapted one or two things, and I’ll be changing one or two things for next year, but it was a good way to start.

Here are two ‘minimalist’ journals and styles that I found helpful when setting mine up. They focus on usefulness and practicality, rather than overwhelming, artistic spreads and cutesy designs. I’m about to do a ‘plan with me 2021’ journal video for YouTube, so I’ll put that up when I’ve finished it, in case that’s helpful. 

Elsa Rhae

Pick Up Limes

Write down the things you want to achieve for 2021. These can be more abstract concepts like ‘more organised’ ‘healthier’ ‘start a business’ etc. Then, when you’ve got as many things as you’d ideally love to achieve/accomplish/manifest (don’t hold back at that stage), take another piece of paper and choose a maximum of six from that first lot to focus on, and below that, choose just three absolutely essential things to focus on. Make those your things for 2021.  

Now, this one is a personal one for me, so it may not be applicable at all to you/others, but I’ll share it anyway. For me, I need to make some significant lifestyle changes for my physical and mental health. So, I’ve decided to commit to 6 months of really hard work to bring about those changes. Time is going to pass anyway, from January to June. Six months will come and go anyway. Where will I be in six months’ time? I could be physically and mentally exactly where I am today. That thought is super depressing to me. Or, I could devote 200% focus, commitment, and energy, and bring about those changes, and be the ‘me’ I want to be in six months’ time.

It’s like the adage of ‘given a week to write a speech, it will take you a week, but given a day to write the same speech, it will take you a day’ - your brain will tell you it takes the amount of time that you have at hand to accomplish the task, and that’s simply how long it then takes. Use those three things from the 2021 list above, and commit to making those three things happen.

As an aside, tell someone (whose opinions you value) that you’re going to do this. By telling someone, you’re helping to cement the idea in reality, and you’ve got a support to turn to if it gets rocky, someone to cheer you on, and someone to celebrate with who knew what a struggle and commitment this was to you in the first place. 

Pick three points in the year where good things will happen. Book yourself something nice, save up for something and have it delivered then, or tell yourself that you will have achieved [x] by May, or September, or December. For me, it’s a working draft of my novel, and certain health goals by October, but make it yours, and keep those points fixed in your mind. It will help 2021 not to be one amorphous mass of time, and will give it structure and form. You could also choose to grow something in a pot - lots of vegetables can be grown cheaply from seed in a pot on a windowsill, and you’ll have something tasty to eat at the end of it!!

Here’s a slightly gentler idea to finish with: 

On New Year’s Eve take a moment to yourself, go outside if it’s not raining or too cold etc., light a candle, hold it (safely) in your hands, and be still. It doesn’t have to be exactly at midnight, but it will help your focus if it’s dark. Otherwise, go to a quiet part of the house and turn the lights down so that the candle flame is your focus. As before, think about what you’ve achieved this year, and be honest, not just negative! It’s very easy to say ‘oh I didn’t achieve anything, it all sucks, it was all awful’, when there will be tiny victories tucked away in there, I promise you, even if it was the toughest year of your life. Then think about where you are at the moment, mentally and physically. Acknowledge that state of being. Look at it with honest eyes. This moment is not for anyone else, so you don’t need to colour it one way or another. It’s for you. If you’re finding it hard not to be negative, be neutral. Let those thoughts come and go, and then turn your mind to the future. Mentally feed those negative thoughts into the flame in front of you, one at a time. Say it out loud if that helps, but do what makes you comfortable. Let the light from the flame fill your mind and your heart, and think about your intentions for the new year.  

Tonight (30th Dec) is a full moon, so if that is significant for you, you may wish to do this tonight instead of tomorrow. 

I hope that some of that gives you some inspiration, and I hope that people will chime in with their own new year’s rituals and habits. Be honest with yourself but not harsh, and be positive but not unrealistic. This year has been one hell of a ride, and we’re not done yet... Here in the UK, we’ve got the highest numbers of Covid that we’ve ever had, we’re in the harshest lock down (Tier 4) and can’t visit anyone, and we’re also going through Brexit (which is proving a nightmare for everyone, especially small businesses...).

Control the things you can control, and learn and employ systems to ride out the things that are beyond your influence. And take heart - you have a family of folks on here, all across the world!

[scriptaed]

fake it ‘til you make it.

genre: crack/fluff; god of destruction!joon; 

pairing: namjoon x reader;

length: 1.7k;

synopsis: in a desperate attempt to impress his crush, your then-admirer-now-boyfriend, namjoon, had once made a bold claim to be somewhat of an extraordinaire in the field of culinary arts; and although his late night cram sessions through “cooking 101″ books were enough to woo you one year ago, the truth behind his shoddy skills are put to the test when he’s forced to prepare dinner for the upcoming anniversary... and from then on, it’s only a matter of time until you discover the origins of his nickname: the god of destruction. 

“See? I can make it through a meal without breaking anything,” Namjoon smiles jubilantly with the apples of his cheeks raised and dimples appearing alongside them. Ever-so-cautiously placing his utensils onto the burgundy napkin neatly folded by his plate, your boyfriend of nearly one year slumps back into his chair with a sigh of relief. “Service is great, food is delectable, a perfect way to wrap up our anniversary, yeah, babe?”

“Yeah… except, you know who could cook an even better dinner for our anniversary?” you slide into the recurrent topic with a sly grin that creeps its way onto your lips. 

The panic that flashes across his eyes when he picks up on exactly what you’re about to bring up only cracks you up—quite evident by the sudden stretch of your lips from ear to ear. Covering that bewildered look of his that you’ve become accustomed to, he rubs his temples as if to ease the throbbing pain of trying to escape the own trap he had laid before him almost exactly one year ago. “Oh, no, b-but—”

“—you!” you exclaim almost too cheerfully for Namjoon’s profusely lacking enthusiasm. “Before we even started dating, you’ve always tooted your horns over just how proficient your kitchen skills are, so I’m sure you can make something even better than this, yeah?”

“Better than this?” he points at the plate he had practically licked clean, eyes widening in horror after just fathoming a challenge against a Michelin starred chef. When your boyfriend catches the quirk of your brow, however, he quickly recomposes himself and his falter. “I-I mean, I could, yeah, probably—a-and I would like to—but aren’t you busy next week?”

“I’m sure I can find some time for you,” you add sweetly, just to coax him further, “especially if my baby is cooking dinner for me!”

“Then why are we celebrating early today?” he quickly rebuttals. 

“Why not?”  you shrug. “The more food, the merrier. Isn’t that what you said when you asked me out and baked me those cupcakes?”

“I-I might be busy next week, though.” 

The excuses are flying in double-time and you almost feel guilty for openly enjoying the bead of sweat that drips down his forehead. 

“That’s not what you told me last week,” you let out a wry laugh, leaning back into your chair and counting down the time left until your boyfriend would have to soon confess his first and only lie of the one-year-long relationship. Crossing your arms, you begin to count internally, “look, babe, it’s okay if you can’t one-up this. Hell, it’s okay if you can’t even cook—”

“—I’ll cook—”

“—it’s okay if you’ve been exaggerating all this time and—” the conversation comes to a standstill when the both of you blankly stare at each other, blinking and registering what had just slipped from his lips “—you’ll cook? You’re accepting the challenge?”

“Y-Yeah,” he chuckles nervously as he forces an outstretched, pressed grin that somehow only exacerbates the frenzy of his mind. His doe-like eyes blink innocently at you, alert and daring yet too familiar to someone like you, his girlfriend, to easily recognize as impending doom. “I’ll cook for you. Haha… yeah, no problem.”

Namjoon gives you one last nervous smile that serves himself more comfort than you, his intended target, as he leans forward to down himself another drink of red wine. His hands shake and the alcohol quivers; and as if to foretell the future, the glass slips from his grip and shatters on the black granite floor.   

“Aw, shit.”

-

...so here he is, one week later, in the kitchen of your apartment, staring at the daunting ingredients sprawled across the tabletop. 

“You know, you really don’t have to do this. I’m hungry, you’re hungry, we could just go out for dinner after I shower,” you stick your head out from behind your bathroom door and Namjoon’s head shoots up as if he had been caught in the middle of some act. 

At this point, the guilt that had accumulated enough for you to retract your previous goal of exposing his shoddy attempt to impress you. Initially it was funny to watch him struggle to match his bold claims, but the guilt incessantly ate at you with each of the passing midnights where you would catch him burying his nose in a book whose title you could barely make out to be “Cooking 101.” 

“Oh, no, no, no. I-It’s okay, baby,” he stutters, tilting to the side to greet you with a prim smile that starkly contrasts his words of affirmation. “I’ve got everything under control. Go shower now. A delicious dinner will be ready before you even know it.” 

“...alright,” you say reluctantly, “well, don’t burn down the kitchen while I’m gone.”

“Oh, c’mon!” he raises his hands up in defeat. “Who do you think I am?” 

His answer arrives without a single beat of hesitation, “the God of Destruction.” 

“Psh, alright, well,” he gasps, clearly baffled as he crosses his arms and nods his head in submission. “Okay, fine, but I’ll have you take that back after I’m done cooking!” 

“Alright,” you sing as you slowly disappear behind the bathroom door, “best of luck!” 

Having taken a gander at his attire tonight—which you figure to be totally excessive as he stands there in your cramped kitchen, decked out in a black coat akin to that of a sushi chef that he must have found online—you start to regret having not taken a more direct approach at forcing him to cough up a confession. Well, at least now you know just how dashing your man looks in black. 

“Oh yeah, black is totally your color babe—” you peek your head back out only to catch Namjoon nearly tossing what appears to be a takeout box right onto the floor and redirecting his popped eyes to the one who had just ambushed him. Caught red-handed—with cheeks that are equally beet red—your boyfriend twiddles his thumbs with a sheepish smile evoked by a two-hit combo of your sudden compliment and his seemingly foiled tactics. As guilty as you felt, you can’t help but internally snicker at having just discovered his scheme for tonight; and before you disappear into the shower once and for all, you grant the poor boy mercy with one smug remark, “I sure hope I don’t have too many dishes to wash tonight…”

Your boyfriend may have been a clumsy man with skills in everything but culinary arts, but he is definitely not a dumb nor shameless man at that; because when you return to a subpar scent of savory soup and a concoction of spices that has your tastebuds confused, you successfully spot a pile of dishes in the sink and an untouched takeout box. 

“Here you go, babe…” Namjoon mumbles, head hanging low in shame and eyes following your footsteps as you shuffle towards him and lean onto the kitchen island. 

As adorable as his puppy-like state is, it almost makes you sad knowing just how much of a hand you had in the struggle you’re witnessing right before you. Hand cupped under his chin, you gently lift his sights until his half-lidded eyes are on yours. “And what lovely dinner do we have here? It looks even better than what we had last week!” 

“You don’t have to lie…” he frowns, crossing his arms and sighing loudly. “So you knew all this time?” 

“Knew what?” you smile innocently. 

“You know,” he tries to imply but groans when you just blink at him in silence. “Okay, fine, I’ll confess. I was lying about my skills this whole time. I’m terrible at cooking. I can usually bluff my way through everything but I always end up burning something in the kitchen!“ 

“Well, that’s not very surprising, is it?”

“Yeah, but I—” he sighs heavily “—after you told me how much you enjoyed desserts, I just wanted to impress you somehow. I didn’t mean to drag it on for one year… I’m sorry.”

“Aw,” you can’t help but laugh, “it’s okay, babe. It’s not that serious. Plus, you really think I wouldn’t know?”

“So…” he presses his lips into a thin line. “You knew about those cupcakes? That I wasn’t the one who baked them?”

“Joon… those are from my favorite cupcake store down my street. I introduced them to you,” you laugh at the way he ruffles his hair and groans. “Hey, at least you were honest enough to confess and even went through with cooking something for tonight! So what do we have here, Chef Joon?”

“Ugh, I feel so stupid,” he grumbles, tousling his hair in all directions one last time before pointing lifelessly at the plate on the tabletop. “One Michelin-outdone mushroom risotto…  one intact kitchen… and one subpar but loyal and honest boyfriend with only good intentions…”

“Might as well add humble to that last one,” you chuckle when he only forces a weak, clearly offended smile. “Let’s see how this Michelin-outdone risotto tastes, yeah?” 

Taking a spoonful of the risotto, something strikes to you as odd… maybe it’s the gooey texture, maybe it’s the tinge of a scent that doesn’t seem to belong in risottos, or maybe you’re merely making presumptions based off of your boyfriend’s tendency to mess things up in the kitchen. Namjoon’s eagle-like eyes watch you and every hint of emotion on your face intently as you catch a whiff of the incoming risotto. Sheer worry is plastered across those wavering orbs of his that must be chanting words of affirmation to himself internally; not wanting to prolong the salt on his wounds, you shove the spoon into your mouth. 

Ah, the God of Destruction has done it once again. 

“Oh… yum,” you force yourself to gulp down the food meticulously made of love before giving him a half-smile and bringing him into a chaste kiss. “I can definitely tell my baby made this for me. Thanks, Joon, I really appreciate it.” 

“It actually tastes good?” he frowns when you just grin at him. “Wait, no, what do you mean you can tell I made this for you?” 

“Well… see for yourself.”

Quirking a brow at your suggestion, your boyfriend leans in for a spoonful before grimacing at his own plate of love.

“Aw, shit. I mixed up the salt and sugar, didn’t I?”

[gyllenhaalstories]

I read your tags under the last post and you did that as a teen? Thats messed up

hi anon! i don't know what's the tone of your question, whether you think it's messed up i was doing it and now i'm protecting minors from repeating the same bad experiences and mistakes or whether me being talked/convinced into writing and consuming written erotica was messed up. i'll clarify some things and put them under the read more to avoid triggering anybody.

tw: underage sexual activities, grooming, manipulation.

i've mentioned it a few times, but long before i wrote fanfictions, i was roleplaying. by roleplaying, i mean creating characters or writing as characters, basically writing fanfiction but with someone or multiple writing partners at a time. i was 11 or 12 when i started on a french platform and interacted with god knows who. i was around 13-14 when i started roleplaying on facebook and on tumblr. it was not super uncommon for minors and teenagers to do this, especially on facebook. we were a bunch of lonely antisocial teenagers living high school drama both in real life and online. there was massive amounts of lies, manipulation, bullying and so on. but to many, including me, it was the only way to make "friends", some were genuine friendships others were absolutely terrible. i first wrote smut in a roleplay on facebook with someone who was finishing college (my education system is different from america, college means high school and university and even pre-university programs and i could only assume it was the same for her). we wrote our stuff, she was very rude about my typos and my limited vocabulary but i did not question too much out of it, i just thought she was smarter (again because i assumed she was the same age as me). eventually, we got into writing smut. i was aware of the "fading to black" technique, which is what you do when you skip from a scene that gets heated to what happens after the action and in my reply, i faded to black. she asked me to rewrite it, she wanted to do the sex scene because it was "important for character development", it wasn't, she just needed something to satisfy whatever the fuck she needed to satisfy. now i can look back and understand that, but back then i had no idea. so we wrote that scene. the entire time i felt extremely uncomfortable and i kept apologizing and delaying my reply until she completely disappeared on me and blocked my account, seemingly because i wasn't fun to write with anymore.

another facebook experience occured a year or two later. i was 15, i've had some rough encounters with other rpers who held a big place in my personal life too so i was very vulnerable. i came across this girl who never told me anything regarding her age and her personal life, while constantly asking me questions about mine. we wrote this couple, she constantly forced me into writing smut. i'd suggest new date ideas, new plot twists, new settings, anything just to avoid writing sex scenes for the 5th time in the same day. she told me "you'll like it, you'll get better at it when you practice, i'll tell you how it works, it's gonna make you feel good too". so i kept writing with her, i had no other friend at that time so i thought that if i did what she demanded me to do to, she'd stick around and like me. we wrote sex scene after sex scene, we added pregnancy plots, a forced pregnancy even, i was incredibly uncomfortable. i made a different account, i tried to escape her but i couldn't. she had around 5 or 6 accounts where she would go around and find young partners to write with. she had a friend who did the same. there was nowhere to go. i eventually ghosted the previous account we wrote on together and focused on my new character. she was gaining a bit of traction, i met someone there too. we became friends instantly. i was 16 when this new person and i decided to talk more "out of character". we got to know each other, we became best friends and we still are today. we were writing so many different plots and relationships, but they were always respectful of the boundaries we both set. when i turned 18, she finally brought up this previous person who manipulated me into writing smut. she said she had met her, years before me. she was, too, talked into writing sex when she was around my age. we both found out this other person was a 35 years-old woman, a creep, who hunted down our roleplay community to write smut with us, teens and kids. she made us believe it was okay, that she'd "teach us the way". she'd gaslight you and manipulate you into getting what she wanted. there were stories going around that were even crazier than mine. i was manipulated into writing sex with someone twice my age when i was still a teenager. for the longest time, i avoided writing smut, even in roleplays. it took me years to work the courage to write smut again, to develop sex headcanons for my characters in roleplays. i wrote smut with my best friend, whom i trust with my whole life, once or twice and she always insisted we stopped if i were uncomfortable until we just stopped altogether and focused on headcanons and other fluffy ideas rather than fully fleshed out written erotica.

i was reading smut, i was consuming porn, i was on tumblr this whole time and that was before the grand purge of adult material. it was different, in a way, because i was choosing to consume such things. but still. i was like 14 and seeing dicks and pussies out in the wild on tumblr. i had no interest in relationships, in dating, in sex even and i was seeing all of this. i was learning that if you wanted others to desire you, you had to be like the girls on porn videos, you had to do all kinds of crazy things and let (mostly) men take advantage of you because that's hot.

all of that just to say...

IT FUCKS YOU UP. it just fucks you up. it makes you think you're not normal, it makes you think you're weak, you're immature, you're just not cool enough. it makes you think you owe sexual favours to other people. it makes you think your sexual desires are just something people can play with so they can get what they want. i've come a long way. i've learned about my own sexuality a lot. i'm still very insecure in real life, but this blog has allowed me to explore my own desires and fantasies in a safe way, following my own boundaries. it might not seem like much to you. but it was a lot to me. i was hiding this from everybody, my only escape from real life was becoming as toxic as real life itself. the lines were blurred between online and reality. i became scared of people. i thought they were all like the other girls who were full on adults taking advantage of KIDS to write sex. they didn't care if it sucked, they got off from it.

being a blog that is 18+ is not just for aesthetic. it's not just to be cool and act like we're more mature. IT'S A SAFETY FOR BOTH US, AND YOU. we want to avoid that minors fall into traps and rabbit holes. we want to avoid minors from constructing their sexualities around what is clearly fake. FAN FICTION IS FICTION but it can impact your real life, especially when you're young and unexperienced.

i am a firm believer that 18/21 and other ages of consent are NOT magic numbers. you don't suddenly become "mature" at the second you turn 18. they are just minimum age requirements that can allow both you and us some sort of safety. you can be 15 and sexually experienced. you can be a 35 years-old virgin and more sexually experienced than your average person. but that doesn't mean you can't respect other people's boundaries and lurk on their blog while being a minor. you are exposing yourself to things you shouldn't be exposed to at your age.

PROTECT YOURSELF. PROTECT OTHERS. RESPECT EVERYBODY'S BOUNDARIES.

[myheartrevealedocs]

Untouchable Ch 10- Lessons Learned (S2E10)

Warnings: murder with explosives, graphic(-ish) injuries, illegal activities

Ch 9 | Ch 11

~ ~ ~

“Hotch?” Lydia asked as she picked up the phone that morning. It wasn’t even 7 yet and Gideon was always the one to call her about a new case.

“Lydia, I need you in the office as soon as possible. We believe there may be a planned terrorist attack within the next 48 hours.”

“Can you give me any details?” She was already jumping up, throwing on her shoes.

“DEA found what was possibly a dispersal device for a chemical weapon. But they aren’t sure what the chemical agent is. We have a member of the supposed plot in Guantanamo Bay that Gideon and Reid are going to question. I need you to help search and determine what their weapon is.”

“Yes, sir,” she replied. “On my way now.”

~ ~ ~

Lydia didn’t even look around the room upon entering the bullpen, instead heading straight for Hotch. He was talking with Gideon on the second level.

“This is an interrogation, not a training exercise,” Gideon was saying, hurriedly. He had his go bag in one hand.

“She’s the only member of the team fluent in arabic,” Hotch said.

Lydia stepped up beside them. “Someone’s fluent in arabic?”

“Why can’t I take Lydia with me?” Gideon demanded, missing her question. “We’ve discussed having her try interrogation techniques.”

Lydia couldn’t help her scoff. “No way. I’m not going to interrogate my first suspect in Guantanamo. And I’m here for my chemical expertise. What could I do from Guantanamo?”

Gideon sighed. “Does she even have a ready bag, yet?”

“My guess is there isn’t much this woman’s unprepared for.”

Lydia raised an eyebrow. “Who are we talking about?”

Hotch nodded down to the bullpen, where a dark-haired woman was standing. She looked somewhat awkward, a go bag underneath her arm. Lydia knew that the team was going to need to search for new agents after Elle’s disappearance, but no one had warned her that they’d found one.

She pushed past her bosses to go introduce herself to the new woman.

“Hi.” She smiled, holding out her hand. “I’m Lydia Ambers. I’m a contracted forensic scientist for the BAU.”

“Emily,” she greeted. “Prentiss. You’re… terribly young looking, if you don’t mind me saying,”

“Not at all,” Lydia responded. “I hear you know arabic. Impressive.”

Gideon brushed past the two of them. “Car leaves in 4 minutes,” he told Emily.

“Yes, sir.”

Lydia rolled her eyes, seeing his impatient attitude shine through. “He’s rough when he’s upset. Don’t let it get to you.”

She smiled and nodded, relieved to find a friend in the team. Lydia would have kept talking to her, if it weren’t for Spencer calling her away. She apologized before meeting her boyfriend at his desk.

“What’s up?”

“Uh…” He glanced off. Clearly he wanted to say something personal, but was worried about getting caught. “Just, uh… Be careful?”

She smirked. “Always am. Have fun in Guantanamo.”

He looked down, bashfully. “Lydia, I’m being serious. Terrorist threats are bad news. As a crime scene investigator, you’re in the middle of it.”

“I won’t do anything stupid,” she reassured him. “You be careful, too. Don’t piss off the CIA.”

He chuckled, slightly, picking up his go bag to leave. “It’s Gideon I’m worried about.”

“Don’t let him be an asshole to Prentiss, okay?” she said, watching him leave, but she knew if it came down to it, he wouldn’t say anything. He respected Gideon too much.

~ ~ ~

“Bonnie Ryan,” a woman introduced as Hotch, Lydia, and Morgan entered the scene.

“Aaron Hotchner.”

“DEA team. We ran this raid.”

Derek also reached out to shake her hand. “Derek Morgan.”

“Lydia Ambers,” she greeted, showing off her gloved fingers to avoid shaking her hand. It was a cross contamination issue.

“Hey, Morgan,” a man greeted as they entered the room with the weapon.

“Hey, Kenny,” he replied, shaking the DEA agent’s hand. “Been a minute, man.”

“Yeah, it has.”

“We good in here?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” he told the three of them. “Everything’s been rendered safe.”

Hotch and Morgan walked to either side, leaning over the device. Lydia knew Morgan was well knowledgeable in bomb devices and clearly this was no different. He started explaining how it worked.

“Wow. These guys weren’t messing around. Hotch, these tubes surround what would be the explosive charge. And this cylinder right here? It’s gotta be where they put whatever bio or chem agent they plan on dispersing.”

“That’s a happy thought,” the guy, Kenny, said.

“Yeah. Tell me about it.”

Lydia leaned forward and felt the thickness of the tubes emerging from the cylinder. “Hm… So, how am I supposed to determine what that is.”

Hotch stepped away, making a move out of the room. “We’ll get you a profile.”

~ ~ ~

“You know, if these guys are fundamentalists,” Morgan called as he entered the room Lydia and Hotch were searching, “you’d think they’d have Qu’rans. Prayer mats.”

“No,” Agent Ryan replied. “We didn’t find any of that here.”

“They must have at least one other location,” Hotch determined.

Lydia pulled a shoebox out from underneath one of the makeshift beds. It had newspaper articles and note papers inside. She sighed, upon seeing one of the bottom pages of notes. “Hotch, Morgan.”

“What is it?” Hotch asked, stepping over to look at what she was holding.

“It’s a list of chemicals.” She flipped through the pages. “God, this is a lot. I might need Garcia’s help in determining what it’s for.”

“Whatever you need,” Hotch complied.

She handed him what was left in the box. “I’m gonna need some paper, too.”

“I’ll get that,” Agent Ryan informed her, stepping out of the room.

“What do you see?” Hotch asked as she raked her eyes over the scribbles.

“Trouble,” she muttered.

Her fears were confirmed minutes later as she hung up on Garcia. She looked over her notes a few times, just to be sure, but Garcia had checked everything online. There was no mistaking it.

“What are we looking at?” Morgan asked, seeing her unease.

“I was right. It’s trouble. Someone’s weaponizing anthrax.”

~ ~ ~

Lydia was seated in the back of the car, on her way back to Quantico, when Hotch got a call from JJ.

“Yeah, JJ… I’ll get Agent Ryan to organize another raid. Notify Gideon and Reid.”

“What’s up?” Morgan asked as he put down his phone.

“JJ thinks she’s got the cell’s backup location, potentially with another weapon.”

~ ~ ~

“Hey, guys,” Kenny greeted as they got onto the site. Vincent Construction in Annandale, Virginia. “We’re going silent tonight. No coms.”

She nodded, fumbling to get her FBI vest on. She hadn’t really seen much use in taking the gun qualifications test, so she didn’t carry a weapon, but Hotch wanted her to raid the site with them, so that they could be sure it was chemically safe. So, she was walking into an enclosed space, with possibly dangerous people, with no weapon. Woo hoo.

She was starting to reconsider her decision.

“Let’s be careful,” Agent Ryan continued, handing the three of them gas masks. “We don’t know what to expect. Ready?”

“Ready,” Hotch responded.

Lydia wished she had put her hair up that morning. The grips on the mask pulled on it as she secured it over her head. It felt unnatural, breathing through it, but she pushed that aside and instead focused on staying behind Hotch and not getting shot.

There was a single, sliding glass door along the length of the rectangular room, with many curtained windows. After hearing a few men call out the clear, Hotch beckoned Lydia in, which she quickly complied with, holding up her flashlight for a search.

This place was far messier than the last one, though considerably smaller. Upon finding it empty, Morgan threw off his mask in frustration. “This place is completely empty. We missed them again.”

Hotch followed suit, pulling out his phone and calling Reid.

“It’s Hotch. We’re at cell location number 2. No cell members, no lab, no dispersal devices. We’re still looking for escape tunnels.”

Lydia glanced around, but the place didn’t look promising. With the clothes and trash dispersed around the room, just about anything could be hiding a slip of paper with a plan on it, but these guys seemed to only let them find what they wanted them to find. They weren’t about to leave a note of what government building they planned to attack around the room. They certainly took their chemicals and equipment with them.

They had to be planning to leave far ahead of time.

~ ~ ~

“We’re running out of time,” Spencer noted, hanging up his call with Hotch. “The attack’s supposed to take place in less than 24 hours.”

“So getting Jind Allah to talk is our only chance of finding them,” Emily deduced.

“Time I confronted him with the truth,” Gideon said.

“What are you going to do?”

“Show him my hand.”

With that, Gideon turned on his heel and reentered the cell where Jind Allah was being questioned. Emily and Spencer hovered around the monitors, looking closely at their suspect. His hands were balled into fists in his lap, not even looking up as Gideon stormed inside.

“I’m going to give you the respect of telling you what just happened,” Gideon began. “A team of agents raided an omega cell location. Actually, both of them.”

Jind Allah sat forward, his eyes reflecting a deep curiosity, but not giving up any indication that he knew what Gideon was speaking about. Spencer bit his bottom lip, focusing closely on him.

“Our men are in place in Annandale as we speak. You gain nothing by remaining silent.”

At those words, the suspect’s hands unclenched, lying flat on his thighs. He was relaxing at the news. “Jihad is forever,” was his response.

“Something’s wrong,” Spencer murmed. “His hands…”

What was it that caused him to act relieved? The words Gideon was saying when he unclasped his hands. Our men are in place at Annandale as we speak.

Lydia was in Annandale.

Reid should have told Gideon first. He knew he should have talked to Gideon about it first, but his body was overcome by panic, reaching for his phone and dialing Hotch.

“Hotch, get out of there now,” he cried over the phone. “It’s a trap. Get out. Now.”

Hotch didn’t respond, he simply hung up and Spencer spun back around to see Gideon reenter.

“What just happened?” he demanded.

Emily held the communication device to Gideon’s earpiece. She had clearly seen Spencer flip and told Gideon to come back in.

“He seemed relieved when you told him about Annandale. His hands relaxed. I just called Hotch to-”

Gideon shook his head, silencing the boy. “Good. Good. We can only hope we caught them in time.”

~ ~ ~

“Everybody out!” Hotch yelled across the room. Lydia glanced up from her spot on the floor. “It’s a trap. Now!”

Everyone jumped up, doing their best to file out calmly before making a break for it outside.

“I said out!” Hotch ordered. He scanned the room, taking something from Morgan and pushing him towards the door. “Go!”

Lydia leapt up from her spot, following the other agents out, but as she hit the grass, she began to fall behind. Her damned foot just made her seconds too slow.

The blast from the building knocked her forward, her forearms shielding her head as she hit the ground and coughed into the dirt. It was enough to get the wind knocked out of her and she lay there for a moment, turning onto her side to get some air. She couldn’t stay long, though, distantly hearing Morgan call her name and drag her away from the site. It was engulfed in flames, the heat alone enough to scare her.

As soon as they were a solid distance away, he helped her lean up against one of the cop cars speaking soothingly to her to help her calm down.

Her breathing was labored, occasionally interrupted with spasms in her chest. She wasn’t registering Morgan’s words to her at all, the pain in her chest enough to make her eyes well up. The smoke was too strong and her senses were overloaded.

“Hey,” Derek was saying softly, his words finally making it through one ear. “Hey, Lydia. Just keep breathing in. I know it hurts, but just keep taking deep breaths.”

She nodded, slowly. Her head ached with the sudden impact, plus the heavy air. Any more movement and she thought she would pass out.

“Lydia, are you alright?”

She nodded again. As soon as she could catch her breath, she was certain she’d be fine. She just needed some air.

“Are you sure?”

She glanced at the agent, who was staring at her arm. She followed his gaze and found her palm soaked with blood. It seemed her elbows and wrists had been pretty torn apart in the fall. Her right arm especially. The blood was oozing down, coating a huge portion of her forearm.

She couldn’t even muster a look of shock.

“An EMT will be here soon,” Derek reassured her, trying to find something to cover the wound. “They’ll get you all cleaned up. Just keep breathing in slowly and-”

“Ambers,” Hotch called, sternly, joining her and Morgan. “Are you hurt?”

She stared at him for a moment, opening her mouth to say something, but still gasping like a fish out of water.

“She’s got the wind knocked out of her,” Morgan told him, finally finding a cloth and wrapping it around her elbow. “And she’s scrapped up pretty bad, but she’ll survive.”

“That’s good,” Hotch said, a sigh evident in his voice. “One of our SWAT agents didn’t make it out in time.”

Sirens started approaching in the distance. Or at least, Lydia thought it was the distance, but her ears were still recovering, so in a blink, they were there.

 Morgan reached around her shoulders. “Let’s find you a medic, kiddo.”

~ ~ ~

Lydia gasped at the sting of the antiseptic as she sat against the back of an ambulance. The medic was super sweet, talking to her gently as she wrapped up her arm.

“Does everything still sound far away?”

“Not anymore,” Lydia admitted.

“Okay, and does your head still hurt?”

“Very much so.”

She nodded, smiling. “That normally sticks around. Just take some painkillers when you can.” She moved onto Lydia’s left hand, where the majority of the scrapes were on her wrist. The wrist itself ached, but Lydia could move it, so she figured it wasn’t broken.  “How old are you?”

“22.”

“How long have you been living in Virginia?”

“Uh… a little over a year?”

“Don’t tell me it’s been that long,” Morgan said, appearing out of nowhere. “You’re still the baby-newbie-intern.”

“Baby maybe, but newbie and intern I’ve both overcome, my friend.” She smiled at him, knowing that he was still probably concerned about her. She’d still been pretty out of it when he handed her over to the medic. He hadn’t wanted to leave her, but Lydia had sent him off, saying she’d be fine until he was done with whatever work he needed to do.

“How’s she doing, doc?” he asked the EMT.

The woman nodded politely. “Now that I’ve stopped the bleeding, I’m just going to make sure she’s not concussed and you can have her back.”

“I’ve been answering all your questions pretty lucidly, haven’t I?” Lydia argued.

“So far, yes. But I still need to be sure. You hit the ground pretty hard from what I hear.”

Lydia rolled her eyes at Morgan, who sat down next to her, rubbing soothing circles into her back. Then, she complied with the usual tests, following the EMT’s finger, letting her check her pupils, and answering some basic questions.

“What’s your full name?”

“Lydia Josephine Ambers.”

“Where were you born?”

“Oakland, California.”

“What are your parents' names?”

“Jamie and Marcus.”

“Do you have any siblings?” she pressed on.

“Yes. My younger sister, Rebecca.”

“Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

“Yes.”

… It slipped out. Morgan watched Lydia’s face drop with the realization that he’d just heard her admit to that.

“Are you holding out on me, Lydia?!” he exclaimed. “You got a secret boyfriend?”

“You are never meeting my boyfriend, Derek,” she snapped.

“Oh, I most certainly am. I need to give my approval,” he argued.

The EMT looked apologetic and said, “You’re not concussed,” before walking away.

“If you ask me-” Lydia started, but Derek just wouldn’t let up.

“Does he live in California?”

“I’m not answering-”

“How long have you been dating him?”

“Because it’s none of your business-”

“Lydia!” he cried. “You can’t escape me!”

She laughed before she could stop herself. “I so can. You have no idea the amount of secrets I keep from you.”

His phone began ringing loudly in his pocket. He continued berating her as he picked it up. “If you admit to me that you’re keeping secrets, I’m going to bother you to tell me more. Yeah, it’s Morgan,” he answered. “Hello? Garcia, can you hear me?... Yeah, I know. We lost a SWAT agent… Don’t worry. Don’t think you’re gonna get rid of me that easy. Lydia got kicked around pretty bad though… Yeah, I’ll put her on.”

He handed her the phone and she held it up to her ear. “Hey, spice.”

“Sugar!” she shouted. “How are you feeling, sweetheart?”

“I’m fine. Derek’s being a little dramatic. The blast just knocked the wind out of me and scraped up my elbow.”

“Your voice is all scratchy, hun.”

“I’ve been wheezing for the past hour,” Lydia defended. “I’m not dying.”

“Do you need anything?”

She shook her head, forgetting momentarily that Garcia wouldn’t be able to see her. “No, I’m alright. I’ll call you later, ‘kay?”

“Yeah, of course,” she said, the relief evident in her voice.

Lydia gave Derek back his phone, which he promptly reattached to his ear and said, “Were you aware that Lydia had a boyfriend?”

Lydia could basically hear Garcia scream over the other end. Shit. Spencer was going to kill her. She really thought that he’d be the one to slip up, but whatever.

“We’ll make a plan to outwit her later,” he assured her. “Thanks, baby girl.”

~ ~ ~

“They’re okay?” Spencer questioned once Gideon put down his phone. His heart was racing. He wanted to just call her. Ask her himself. But even if she was fine, there was a lot to do on sight. She likely wouldn’t answer.

And he was getting scarily close to exposing their relationship. The last thing he wanted to do was have Hotch find out they were dating because he wasn’t able to do his job when she was in danger. It wasn’t about being scared anymore. They could get in huge trouble if the team found out like this.

“We were right about the trap. It was rigged to explode. A SWAT agent was killed and Lydia was injured.”

Spencer couldn’t control his expressions. It was like his heart stopped. He opened his mouth to say more, but Emily got there first.

“Was anthrax involved?”

“No.”

“Then that’s not the final target,” she told them.

Gideon nodded and reentered the interrogation room. The moment he was gone, Emily turned on Spencer, whose mouth was still hanging open.

“Oh my god, you’re in love with her.”

He coughed violently, finally coming out of total paralysis and instead downgrading to major panic. “What?!”

“I mean, I could see how much you liked her when you spoke to her at headquarters, but I figured you just liked to talk to her, ‘cause she seemed real nice. But when you realized that Annandale was a trap, you mouthed her name. Not ‘the team’. Not Hotch or Morgan. You didn’t even say ‘Ambers’, you said Lydia.”

He blinked. He barely knew Prentiss. He couldn’t just admit that they were dating, she could easily tell the whole team and he didn’t feel like he could trust her yet.

But she was dead on.

“You should call her,” she told him, not waiting for a response from him. “I’ll cover for you, but there’s no way you can keep doing this job if you’re scared for her. Call her and make sure she’s alright.”

It took a moment for him to agree, grabbing his phone and walking out of the room. His hands were shaking, pulling up Lydia’s number and pressing call. And the few seconds it took for her to pick up were absolute torture.

“Hey,” she answered, softly.

He felt a flood of relief, then immediately began profiling what happened from the sound of her voice. It was weaker than normal, but that could be due to any number of things. She was probably exhausted, but there was also a chance she had been screaming or crying.

“What happened? Gideon said you were injured, but he wouldn’t say how and I-”

“I’m totally fine. The blast threw me a bit. But an EMT just bandaged me up. How’s the questioning going?”

“Did they make sure you hadn’t suffered any other injuries? Concussion? Broken bones?”

“I am a-okay,” she said once more. “In fact, Hotch is probably going to take me back to headquarters any minute now and insist I stay there. I think him and Derek were actually concerned when they saw me go flying.”

“Of course they were!” he hissed. “I’m still concerned! I told you to be careful!”

She bit back a smile. He never got so personal on cases, in the office, etc. That’s when another thought hit her. “Are Gideon and Prentiss in the room with you?”

“No,” he admitted. “Why?”

“Because you’re being personal… at work.”

“Prentiss saw how startled I was to hear you got hurt. She sent me outside to call you and check in.”

“Can I come clean with Derek?”

His mind went from calm to terror in half a second. “No!”

She huffed audibly. “He just found out I have a boyfriend and he won’t leave me alone about it. Keeps asking questions. I’m not sure how long I can fend him off.”

“At least until we tell Hotch and Gideon,” Spencer insisted. “Derek will tell them everything if we don’t tell them first.”

“Sure. We can discuss when you get back. You be careful, I’ll be careful, etcetera, etcetera… I have to go. Talk to you soon?”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Real soon.”

~ ~ ~

Upon her arrival to the BAU, Hotch had essentially locked Lydia into Garcia’s office, telling her not to let Lydia go under any circumstances.

“For right now, I don’t want you out in the field. Stay here, help Garcia and JJ until we get back and you’re free to go home.”

“Yes, sir,” she said, trying not to sound somewhat defeated. During her drive back, she’d come to the realization that Hotch might not just be concerned about her, but he might think she was unfit for field work after watching her fall behind the group. The Academy had passed her, even with the limp, but Hotch could still bench her if he didn’t agree.

And she didn’t want to be benched.

Garcia and JJ had just gotten a huge flood of information from the CIA which they were combing through to see if they could figure out where the anthrax had come from. Words were flying up the screen as the computer did its best to determine what was relevant.

“Wait,” Garcia mumbled, a separate screen popping up. “Anthrax.”

“What?” JJ asked, and Lydia was quick to fall over their shoulders and get herself a better look.

“Genimmune,” Garcia read. “A dutch biotech firm reported that they may have had a security breach involving anthrax last week.”

“What? May have?”

“They’re still doing a security and inventory sweep, but they may be missing up to 20 grams of lab made anthrax.”

“20 grams?” Both women looked up at Lydia, whose insides did a flip.

“That could potentially kill a quarter billion people,” she informed them.

~ ~ ~

“He seems much calmer than he was yesterday,” Spencer noted as he looked in on Jind Allah. “May make any reading of his body language less accurate.”

“I know,” Gideon mumbled, not looking pleased.

“Is that what we want?” Emily asked him.

“I hope so.”

She looked back at the screens. “Well, isn’t that the exact opposite of-” she started, but Gideon was already gone by the time she’d turned back around. She huffed. “He hopes so? We have less than ten hours before the new crescent moon rises.”

“Nine,” Spencer corrected, glancing at his watch.

“Aren’t you worried?”

Spencer smiled, responding gently, “I’ve been with him long enough to trust him.”

She nodded and something else came to mind for him.

“Hey, I’m sorry if he hasn’t seemed very welcoming. Lydia told me before I left that I shouldn’t let him push you around, but she’s much more bold than I am. We all know he reacts out of stress and when he’s calmer, he’ll warm up to you more.”

She smiled back. “It’s really no problem. Speaking of Lydia, is she alright?”

He hesitated for a moment. “Yeah, I think. She tends to oversimplify things. I’ll feel better when I can see her again.”

“I’m glad,” Emily said, politely.

“Emily,” he began, using her first name to hopefully convey the seriousness of his situation. “You can’t tell anyone about… you know. The fact that I care about her?” he decided, avoiding the fact that they were in a relationship. That way, if news did get out, everyone would just think he was crushing. And Garcia already thought that. “Especially not Hotch or Gideon. They might think I can’t do my job if I’m closely attached to a member of the team.”

She nodded again, still calm and understanding. “Of course not. I’m sorry that you were so worried about her earlier.”

“Thanks,” he replied, a feeling of relief overcoming him. She seemed genuine. And kind. He imagined she’d make a good friend if she ended up staying at the BAU permanently.

~ ~ ~

“...after stopping an attempted robbery at the new USA mall…” The television in Garcia’s office was saying. Morgan and Hotch were on their way back to the office after what had been a successful prevention of a terrorist attack at the grand opening of a nearby mall.

Lydia was immensely relieved they’d pulled it off. She’d gotten no sleep in Garcia’s office, worried about the dangers the anthrax concoction could create. That stuff had to be secured soon and left in good hands. Lucky enough, Gideon had come up with a plot to trick Jind Allah into spilling everything.

Now the world would never know about the stress this past day and a half had caused the team. They’d forever think the commotion outside the mall on its grand opening was a robbery.

Upon getting to headquarters, Hotch ran up to his office, grabbed his keys, and left. It was the first time she’d ever seen him leave the BAU before the team, but she had no qualms about it. This was a lot on him. If he wanted to go home, so be it. She just hoped there wasn’t a more serious reason for his sudden exit.

Spencer had called her a few hours ago to tell her they were boarding the jet, which meant they’d be back soon, so she decided to wait at her desk for him.

“Is your arm gonna be alright?” JJ asked as she walked past Lydia, who was mindlessly filling out her paperwork for the case.

“Oh,” she hummed, looking down at her bandaged elbow. “Yeah. It feels fine. I just skinned it.”

“Morgan was pretty concerned for you before he left,” JJ informed her. “He said when he turned around and saw you hit the ground he was terrified you weren’t going to get back up.”

“I really am okay,” she insisted. “If this is your way of telling me that people will listen if I want to talk about it, don’t worry. It was scary, sure, but I sustained about the same amount of injuries I would have if I’d tripped while running.”

“And then burst your eardrums,” JJ teased.

“Okay, okay, whatever. So, I tripped and then heard a really loud sound-”

“Like an explosion,” she continued.

“Shut up, JJ,” Lydia finally laughed, complying begrudgingly. “Fine. I was running away from a building and it exploded and I sprained my wrist and skinned my elbow. Morgan and Hotch flipped out because I got the wind knocked out of me and couldn’t get up on my own. Yes, for a minute, I was experiencing hearing problems, but those went away and now, all I’m left with is two bandaged arms and a splitting headache.”

“And probably a really cool scar on your right arm,” she offered.

“Hopefully. Then I’d actually have a cool story to tell rather than when people ask why I limp and I have to say that I kicked a moving box full of books.”

“Really?!” She cackled loudly. “That’s a great story, I don’t know what you’re talking about. The Great War of Lydia v. Books.”

“The books fucking won,” she grumbled. “Look at me! Now I’m all shook up because my limp slowed me down and I couldn’t get away from a bomb in time.”

“How are you going to explain this to your boyfriend?”

Lydia froze. “Huh?”

“I was with Garcia when Derek called,” JJ smirked. “Garcia and I know all about your secret lover boy now.”

“All you know is that he exists,” she fired back. “That hardly counts as ‘all about’ him.”

She shrugged. “We’ll figure out sooner or later. You are surrounded by profilers, you know.”

“Don’t worry, Derek reminded me,” Lydia said with a roll of her eyes.

JJ left and Lydia went back to her work for the next 20 minutes until Gideon, Prentiss, and Spencer arrived. Emily shot her a smile as she walked to her desk, but didn’t greet her, knowing Spencer probably wanted to see her.

However, Spencer didn’t say much. As he brushed past her, he asked if they could leave soon and do something together. Lydia nodded, already packing up her stuff. She could read Spencer enough to know that was code for ‘I want to hold your hand or hug you or just talk to you without being afraid of everyone seeing us’. And she wanted that too.

Putting her paperwork into her purse, she briskly stood up and walked over to Prentiss’s desk. “It was lovely to meet you, Emily,” she told her. “Hopefully, I’ll see you again soon.”

She smiled. “You too! I hope you feel better.” She gestured to the white wraps around her arms.

“Thanks.”

As soon as she hit the button for the elevator, Spencer started to stand up, trying to follow her out without looking suspicious. In his mind, if they walked over to the elevator together, they’d look like they were leaving together. If they just ended up in the elevator together, no one would question it.

She held the door open for him as he stumbled in and they both waited for the door to close to even look at each other.

“I’m fine-” Lydia began, but she wasn’t fast enough. He had scooped her up into a hug before she could even register him moving. “Spencer, are you alright?”

“When Gideon got off the phone with Hotch, all he said was that you were injured,” he mumbled into her shoulder. “I thought my heart had stopped.”

The elevator slowed and they pulled away, trying to act casual as they exited the building.

“I’m sorry that I scared you,” she sighed. “Everything flew by so fast, but look.” She held up her arms for him to see. “It’s nothing. I can take a roll in the dirt.”

“That explosion killed a SWAT agent,” he cried, walking out in front of the building with her. “What if it hadn’t just been a roll in the dirt? I don’t want to lose you!”

“I don’t want to lose you either,” she assured him. “But freaking out about what could have happened doesn’t help us. We both work a dangerous job. We knew that when we started dating.”

He sighed, slowing to a stop and facing her on the sidewalk. “I just thought I’d always be with you. For the danger. I was terrified, because I was in Cuba and you were here and I didn’t know if you were going to be alright.”

She soaked that all in. His care. His love. But there really wasn’t anything to say to it.

“Let’s go to my apartment and have dinner and watch a movie,” she offered out of the blue. “And you can tell me about your day and I’ll tell you about mine. Okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah, of course… okay.”

Tags: @kris-stuff @wooya1224 @spencerelds