#I always had to ask my mom for help
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moss-on-a-pebble · 5 months ago
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So I’ve never actually played the crossover game but I feel like this would be their dynamic
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baejax-the-great · 3 months ago
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My brother died very suddenly yesterday.
He was the kind of person who always had dozens and dozens of friends everywhere he went because he was easy to talk to and funny and treated people with respect, and his friends ranged in class, race, age, social ability, introversion and extroversion--no matter who you were, he could and would befriend you.
He would scold me for not asking him for help when I needed it, and he would mean it. He taught me to tip well. He loved helping people. He played practical jokes on the new kids at work, including getting one guy to "chop flour" because the flour they had in the kitchen was "too coarse."
He introduced me to some of the best food I've ever eaten in my life. He would always help with a recipe that wasn't working. He would tell me what to buy my foodie friends for their birthdays, and he never got it wrong. He loved meat and whiskey but also wine and fruit and he got me to eat beets even because he knew how to make anything good.
Mostly, he thought that people were all deserving of respect and decency. He was outspoken on this. For all that his friends ranged across demographics, he didn't tolerate anyone being hateful around him. But even then, he was nice about it. He would try to get people to come around to his side. He saw the good in people.
And he was happy. He had finally quit chewing tobacco and managed to stay off it for three years. He had a girlfriend he really liked. The pandemic had put him out of work for over a year, but he was back at his job and doing well and he liked it. He was good at it. And it's complete bullshit that he's gone.
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magicalgirlmindcrank · 28 days ago
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Blehhh
#so like#physical therapy and medical stuff has been cutting into my sleep for three weeks now#and yesterday we were up to like noon thirty cuz we had to talk to a lawyer#and a few days ago we asked her what the turkey day plans are#and she said dinner at 1pm. fucking one in the afternoon.#we've identified 1-3pm to her as the hardest times for us make cuz it's basically the middle of when we are sleeping#normally we try for ~9:30 am to be in bed or getting in#and up around 5 or 6#and it's just#i know she's not doing it to single me out she's just an insane woman when it comes to her schedule#but it would have been nice if she ever made any effort to try make sure we could be included -_-#cuz this was an issue last few thanksgivings too#so she KNOWS about it#she can't not know about it#and idk#one of my sister's always got judgy about it cuz ~she works 60+ hours a week~#and i didn't show up on time to help cook cuz i needed a nap after work#and i KNOW she's gonna be a bitch about is not being at the gathering#though i don't think she'll contact me about it#and like#i would love to go honestly!#that's the kicker!#if it was at 4pm it something I'd absolutely go!#my sister's just moved so i won't get to see them often and i would like to visit with them#not to mention we could use a good free meal >.>#but like#fuck dude#we're already exhausted and we're kinda sick of having to meet my mom at a place that's unreasonable for us#so i guess it's Thanksgiving alone at my place of a bowl of chili with cheese and some potato salad#means we get stream at least
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moeblob · 9 months ago
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Deacon willing to help people but doesn't recognize people so he doesn't remember what he did for who. So he just agrees and is like cool don't mention it then they mention it and he's like uhhhhhh.
However, that's other humans. He can identify the deities much easier because they have a unique glow. Like can actively tell Ymber "oh Lady Fulj just entered the city" and Ymber is like how the heck did you sense her that far away when I can't sense her that far away. It actually takes a while for Ymber to realize Deacon really doesn't know any of his coworkers and who he's talking to.
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starbuck · 1 month ago
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me: hey, so i feel like you maybe disregarded my saying that caretaking on top of work and school and pre-planned travel is a lot for me right now and i’m not comfortable with all of that pressure being on me alone when i wanna make sure you guys have everything you need when i’m not around…
my family: of COURSE we heard you, that’s why we started doing a bunch of things by ourselves at great cost to our physical well-being instead of asking you for help!!!!!!
me:
#my number one emotion right now is wanting to move across the country out of spite as soon as my mom is fully mobile again#i am sooooooooo done#i had recommended looking into options for home care and my mom supposedly did#but then today she was like ‘idk… there’s just nothing that isn’t medical… there’s no options’#so i googled ‘caretaker help [name of our city]’ and found dozens of people IMMEDIATELY#sent her several links#idk i’m just really pissed off#all i’m suggesting that they do is make a plan in case something like this happens again#and they seem FLABBERGASTED#my mom-mom literally said to me multiple times ‘people don’t usually plan for bad things happening to them’#and it’s like. dude. your daughter is literally lying there in a cast right now bc she fell down the goddamn stairs#the bad thing DID happen!!!!!!!#so now that you’re THINKING ABOUT IT maybe make a plan for next time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and i was VERY nice about it#no bad words… no insults… measured and calm tone…#but they were treating me like i was being crazy and unreasonable and i just don’t GET it…#i know it can be hard to ask for help but this is honestly delusional#my mom hasn’t taken a vacation in over three years because she’s NEVER looked into home care before#and neither she nor my mom-mom are happy about that… they’re always venting to me about it#my mom about how she wants to get out more and my mom-mom about how she feels like a burden#and it’s like. my dudes…#just hire someone!!!!!#like. three hours a day tops… just to check in!!!!!#it wouldn’t be that hard!!!!!!!#am i nuts?????? someone reality check me please#i need something firm to grasp onto
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queen0fm0nsterz · 1 year ago
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I saw you post about Seafarers, but to me, your finest work will always be Fifteen Notes to You, reread all of it the other day and... yeah, it still hits like a fucking bullet train.
I genuinely don't think it's possible to capture Mono's descent into insanity better than you did here. It reminds me a little of The Last Weekend from the anthology Inside no.9, in that, you know, both from the story itself and the context it exists in, that it won't have a happy ending, but the humanization of the characters just forces you to cling to hope that something will go right. But that rarely, if ever, happens in The Nowhere.
FNTY... Now THAT'S a name I haven't heard in years...
Thank you so much!!!! I'm super grateful to see folks still enjoy my old stories :)it seems to be the general consensus even among my friends that FNTY is the best complete fic I've put out. Reading thru the comments, I remember one of a person who told me that it made them cry - and the comment made ME cry LMAOOOOOOO😭
I'm very proud of it myself as it was not only my first published fic, but my first multichaptered fic I ever completed as well. Though I am a slow writer (SEAFARERS CHAPTER 5 IS IN THE WORKS😭), for FNTY it was never because I had excessive trouble figuring out what to put on paper - especially never when in regards to the letters themselves. The most troubling parts were the in betweens, funnily enough.
Mono and Thin Man come very naturally to me when writing. I think it may be because I tend to interpret them as having very big feelings... like myself, I guess. And since the story itself is short, I suppose that I managed to make the thing itself feel like there are many big feelings in a tiny box. I will admit I got emotional myself a couple of times... then went on to edit like nothing was wrong LMAOOOO like this is how I looked writing and then editing vvv
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For Seafarers, the emotional payoff has yet to come, and it will be different -- considering we have World's Most Emotionally Constipated Woman and Our Strongest Soldier (the PTSD has yet to hit because she's still actively experiencing the horrors) as the protagonists this time.
Six and the Lady are both considerably harder to write for me. I had my chance to write the Big Feeler at the very beginning because the stakes there were skyrocketing from the getgo, but now things have gotten considerably more... silent. The feelings are there but they're all kept in. OUGHHHHHHHHH
I also can't wait to introduce more stuff; I've been writing down concepts for shadow magic and powers, how the Maw works, the various things the Lady of the Maw has to look after to keep it afloat... and the Ladies. Look, I'll say that I'm really happy with what I'm doing with Teapot and Rascal. And with Teapot in general. I really like the characterization I pulled out of my ass LMAOOOOOO and the DESIGN... ok so I'm willing to share a couple of the Teapot's I've doodled
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(She's genuinely very silly [read: sick in the head]... i gave all the Ladies some nice additional details because. Ik the point is that they all look very similar but I love designing outfits fuck it this is MY au i do what I want)
So right now I have a suspicion that Seafarers will hit better when it's finished and can be read from beginning to end. Since it's longer (I plan it to be... around 15 chapters? A bit longer if the events require it to be.), there will be more time to let the stuff brew until it reaches its climax as intended.
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giddlygoat · 5 months ago
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my brother can make me laugh without moving at all. he can make me laugh on command, just by existing, and there is no physical tell or indication that it is about to happen. it’s like he can will me to laugh and i will. of course we’re not telepathic, but we do speak in unison sometimes. we improvise like no one’s business. we could fool anyone into believing we are psychically linked. when i try to explain it, i sound silly saying it out loud, but i really CAN tell what he’s thinking. we exchange so much information just with a look. he can make me cry laughing and he doesn’t even have to move
#i miss him so much i need him back i need him to live next to me again. i need to mooch off his wifi from my porch and invite him over#i miss him so much.#he’s only 2 minutes younger but he feels years younger. and yet i think we’re two halves of one soul#i’ve always babied him not even in a mean or diminishing way but i felt this need to protect him#because he tends to be so naive and so shy#but. i am so proud of him. i need to show him off to everyone and i need everyone to understand how funny and charming he is#it feels like i grew up and left him where he will remain 11 forever. i miss him more than moving back home can fix#i miss him in ways that have nothing to do with the distance between our locations#but. it would certainly help to be able to see him every day#i keep smelling the carpet in his room and it’s so vivid. i remember the countless hours we spent developing huge wood block cities#and we would drive hot wheels over the wooden raceways we had made. we were actually quite coordinated and autistic about it#we were always building things together#just recently me and him talked on the phone about an old mlp au we came up with. all original characters and shit#it was super extensive and very clever#i STILL think it would make a really cool book series or something#i remember watching him play army men RTS gamecube on the wii. i STILL listen to the soundtrack to that game like…. daily#i remember walking into my room once where he was watching a show. and he was crying#and he NEVER cries over tv#but he was crying because his favorite character had resigned from the organization that the series was based around#and he was so distraught that she was leaving.#i remember when all 3 of us slept in one room. i remember when me and him were in bunk beds across the room#and we would sneak out of bed right as the parents left and stayed up playing by the light of the nightlight#the way we raced back into bed when the parents were approaching 😭#my mom always says she’s sad that i seem to remember so little of my life. like every story of my youth is news to me lmao#but i feel like i remember the most important parts? i think so#i remember how mom woke me up in the night to ask me to roll over because my bro could see my face from where he was sleeping#and he was scared because there was a weird shadow cast on my face that made it look like a skull which was making it hard for him to sleep#it was. so funny. i begrudgingly rolled over#i don’t know. it’s just that there isn’t a single instance i bring up that my brother does not also remember.#no matter how tiny or specific. we shared everything growing up
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hballegro · 1 month ago
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i am a metronome of 'this problem is easily solvable if you talk to a certain person in your life and it'll only get worse if you leave it be, calm down and bite the bullet' and 'you've already left it a long time and asking for help even from loved ones is really really hard so actually cry in a ball'
we must destroy the grey head jelly for being the most inconsistent and rude bastard in the world
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sqlmn · 9 months ago
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Ananza is the wind deity, though she's not the first with that honor. Originally the elder gods selected a man as their wind deity but after he witnessed Oh and Fulj being punished he requested to relinquish his role. Basically asking them for a mortal death rather than immortality. They obliged since the deities exist to help humans and a miserable deity won't do the job properly so no need to keep a deity bound to a task they don't want to do.
So Ananza was selected as a replacement. Fulj has no recollection of the first wind deity and Ananza has already been told by the fire deities that it wasn't Fulj's fault but she was the final straw for the former wind deity. So, Ananza doesn't hold any dislike towards Fulj and actually really likes listening to her talk. Ananza loves to dance and wander around her city so when Fulj stops by to visit, she listens to Fulj's adventures while they roam the city.
Because there are two fire deities and one can stay in their city while the other wanders and because Fulj no longer has a city to be focused on, the three like to visit the other cities to check in. Ohime and Ohiwe really like to visit Ananza while Fulj prefers to visit Ymber. While Ananza likes Ohiwe, Ohime, and Fulj, she really isn't fond of the ice deity or Ymber. She doesn't like to scramble for topics and ice/Ymber don't start conversations enough so it's a bother to Ananza to try forcing friendliness. She loves light hearted stories though and Fulj and the fire deities excel at that type of story.
(Ohime and Ohiwe sometimes call her Nana and on that note it's lore in the tags time)
#the daily life of a deity sucks#also fwiw ! deacon doesnt really tell anyone but he really wants to meet the wind deity#because he might have lost his mom at a young age but she was originally from the city of wind and had wind magic#so he would watch his mom dance either solo or with his dad and it was always fun to him to watch how happy his mom was#so when he was told it was a dance she learned when she was a child he doesnt think much of it#but he sees ohime trying to show ymber a dance he was finally getting down and then ohime pauses#cause hes trying to remember and deacon is like oh you clap three times not two#and both ohime and ymber are staring at him like what did you just say#and deacon is like yeah uh you do the claps but kinda like this in order to keep the flow free and light#and ohime is just smugly looking at ymber saying oh ? really? youve been teaching him dance moves?#and ymber is just hey dont look at me so ohime is baffled and then fulj has?#and deacon says he learned of it a while ago from someone else haha sorry if hes wrong it could be wrong#thats why ymber asks him later about it and finds out deacons mom was originally an ananza follower#and is like huh wild while ohime is now plotting how to get ymber and deacon on a vacation to see ananza#and honestly i really just want to have deacon meeting ananza now and being in absolute awe of the deity#because THATS HER YMBER THATS THE ONE MY MOM WORSHIPPED#and ymber is able to be around deacon and ananza while they converse and that#helps ananza realize ymber isnt as cold and distant as she thought he was - fascinating#and also she likes deacon who holds her in such reverence despite being ymbers follower
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bambiraptorx · 10 months ago
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sometimes i forget that being depressed isn't normal honestly
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nervocat · 1 month ago
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I could have therapy rn yk. If my dad didn't outright say no to me when I ASKED HIM BTW
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curioscurio · 1 year ago
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Most of my sinus infection has cleared up besides the occasional cough and irritated throat but now this ear infection.... everything hurts can I please have a break before I have to go back to work just a day without pain so I can clean up my sicknest without feeling like ass
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brittlebutch · 3 months ago
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actually, having a kind of revelatory moment here of if HRT was something i have been considering for this long, but has remained inaccessible to me, then that means i Do actually have opinions about my appearance/presentation, so just because i can't take That Particular step doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of other avenues i could be pursuing (ie, clothing/accessories/etc.) that i just haven't let myself up until this point. like i don't have to shove it All aside just because there's one thing i can't get -- I'd probably still wind up a lot happier if I took those other steps I've spent all these years ignoring
#N posts stuff#like what i mean is; the nearest informed consent clinic is like 80 miles away. theoretically some people could pull that off probably#but i can barely do 5-10 mile drives so that's fundamentally inaccessible. the realization is that IF it was closer#the probability of me actually pursuing that is actually kind of high. not even because i feel a particular NEED for it#hrt is one of those things that for Me is like 'i just think it would be Cool. i don't need it but i might be happier trying it'#BUT one thing i've consistently had problems with is that i Do Not really buy myself clothes because i always get caught up on cost#like 'if i don't really care That Much why should i invest in it' thing. i've been in that rut for most of my life i'd say#complicated by the fact taht i do depend on my mom's advice/help for a Lot of things and we have fundamentally incompatible styles#so not being able to agree on things makes it hard to actually Pursue what i want in these areas#but if leading up to researching clinic options i was both thinking 'i'd spend the money on this' AND 'i'd completely#disregard my mother's opinions on this' in order to pursue it; then since it's inaccessible to me i Should be taking those core convictions#and bringing them to the things i Can change/access and take Those steps instead#to use a wildly different metaphor - the vacation thing of 'wherever you go there You are' -> HRT is the big expensive vacation#but if my clothes are still something i'm not happy with then how much genuine satisfaction would i get out of my appearance after#taking those Big Steps. since the little ones have been left completely in the dust. you know?#no one asked but tumblr is like the only medium i use where i actually go back and look at things from the past#so if i have some kind of revelation about my life it has to go on tumblr if i want to remember it.#(like sure i Could keep journals but actually reading back through them makes me nauseated lmao. so not very helpful in practice)
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itsalwaysdark · 4 months ago
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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blizzardfluffykpop · 5 months ago
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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mars-ipan · 1 year ago
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overcoming anxiety (through practicing the things that scare you) is so interesting. i used to be horrified of taking up space or alerting other people of my presence. now i'm compelled to tell strangers i like their outfits or hair or earrings- on bad days i tell maybe a quarter of them. do i still overthink it? absolutely. but i call attention to myself to tell someone else my opinion. and with the way they tend to smile and tell me "thank you!" i'm pretty sure it's taken to heart.
i used to be horrified of making phone calls as well. this is one i'm still getting over- i just Don't Like Doing It. i used to have a phone call routine that i still joke about- realize i need to call someone, cry, avoid it for a few days, suck it up, write a script, memorize the script, cry again, final script read, make the call with the script in front of me. and i would be Exhausted by the end of it. i don't cry when i need to call people anymore. i'm even needing scripts less and less- i've found out that people actually won't kill me if i talk a little too fast or stumble on my words. i doubt i'll ever like making phone calls- i especially hate robots (i'm afraid they'll mishear me and direct me wrong or a person will suddenly show up and i won't be prepared)- but i can make them now.
i get overwhelmed really easy. just a thing that happens to me. my brain is really really good at taking one task and breaking it up into thousands of little tasks and it feels like i'm drowning. if i try to make it fewer larger tasks then it starts to feel insurmountable. i was completely lost on how to deal with this (other than avoid until you get that panic attack and can do work in the post-catharsis calm until 6:00 AM) until one night when my dad (who i often meet late at night due to overlapping mental illness symptoms) asked me how to eat an elephant. i looked at him, confused, and he said "one bite at a time." that was way more effective than any other analogy i've seen has been. "light at the end of a tunnel"- i don't feel like i'm moving forward, i feel like i'm scaling a wall. "steps on a trail"- i can see my destination, but it feels impossible to move forward. but eating an elephant? that sums it up perfectly. this huge task which seems impossible at a glance. but it must be done. so you eat the elephant, a bite at a time. every time i'm overwhelmed i repeat that phrase to myself. it hasn't made any major changes yet, but it keeps me calm enough to start before i hit the panic attack, which i'll take.
i was such a perfectionist growing up- i actually thought it was a good thing (school always taught me to strive for perfection). but it made me scared to try new things- if i wasn't immediately good at them, then it clearly wasn't for me. i'm still not great at starting new hobbies, but i try a lot of new things within the hobbies i already have. i test out different ways of making art, i try new puzzle games i don't understand, etc. and the feeling of steady improvement reminds me that i don't need to be good right away. some of the most satisfying moments don't come from immediately being good- they come from achieving that skill over time. i'd like to try to learn to sew soon.
idk it's interesting. i rewire my own brain's fear response by doing the Horrifying Thing enough times for me to understand that no i will not die. and while i'm doing it it feels like nothing is changing. i get so stressed every time- it can actually take a lot out of me (turns out fight-or-flight burns a lot of energy). but i look back at then vs. now and i realize how far i've come, and i can't help but think "huh. neat"
#marzi speaks#this post has no point. i am simply thinking out loud#i think understanding the root of where the anxiety comes from helps a lot too#like. my mom feels most secure when she's in control#she doesn't like situations in which she can't control how she responds or what happens when she does#it makes her feel helpless. and that's how her GAD affects her#it's also why her fear response is 'fight'- she stress-cleans and expresses authority because those are things she can control#it's a self-soothing technique#but for me it's different. i'm most at ease when i know where i am and what's going on#this could be for plenty of reasons. i'm bad at directions and time blind so i feel lost easily#i had to learn to do a lot of things by myself growing up because my brother needed a bit of extra attention#my parents used to sometimes forget to tell me about things- i wouldn't know we were going somewhere until they asked me if i was ready#or even just that i was always surrounded by so much information and i love learning with my whole heart#when i can't know what will happen next or why something's happening in the first place i get disoriented and frightened#i don't need to have a say in what will happen. i just need to know. then i can roll with the punches#this is why MY fear responses are flight and freeze#i self-isolate because i know environments like my room and my mind#other people are unpredictable. i know what i will do#i like puzzles because they're something i can learn and figure out. once i understand it's a matter of patterns#and they take my mind off of the unknown i'm worried about#my mom will engage in a lot of conflict behavior. i engage in a lot of avoidant behavior#yes this caused arguments growing up lmao. i'd be freaking out abt smth and she'd be confused as to why i wasn't just going and fixing it#or she'd be freaking out abt smth and i'd be confused as to why she didn't try to just get all the facts#but we're better communicators abt that now teehee#it's interesting though. we have the same illness (generalized anxiety disorder) and are similar in a lot of ways#but because our root fears are different our responses to them are different#this could also be learned#my mom grew up poor and didn't get to do a lot- she worked her ass off to have financial freedom#i grew up comfortable with every question i asked entertained by two very smart parents. when a question can't be answered i feel dissonant#it's probably a bit of both in some cyclical manner. still nifty to think about
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