#I always had to ask my mom for help
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So I’ve never actually played the crossover game but I feel like this would be their dynamic
#my art#phoenix wright#professor layton#professor hershel layton#hershel layton#ace attorney#phoenix wright ace attorney#pwaa#professor layton vs phoenix wright#art#fanart#I’ve only really finished two professor layton games lmfao#I played them a long time ago and they were too hard for little me#I always had to ask my mom for help
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does anyone else regret every single thing they've ever said or done or am I just cooked
#ive always had really bad choice paralysis and when i was a little kid having a meltdown in the grocery store bc i couldnt pick a cereal#my mom would try to help in what i think was actually a rare w for my mom by asking if this decision would matter in a week a year a decade#occasionally for very very small decisions (specifically ones that could easily be reversed) this would work#but for the most part it didnt bc i could honestly answer yes to all of those#i am still kept awake at night with regrets for things i said and did when i was like 7#literally how am i supposed to do anything when im never ever ever satisfied with what ive done
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ok. someone’s gonna have to come get my dad or i’m gonna tweak.
#no bc he does this fucking thing where he talks to me like a dog? it could be for any reason. any. sometimes i just walk into a room.#and i can’t even BEGIN to understand what he means by it; if he’s trying to belittle me or if he just.#doesnt know how to talk to me any other way. but it pisses me off to no end cus it ALWAYS feels like the first one.#take last night for example: it was my brother’s birthday; and none of us had expected him to be visiting around this time#this is especially important for my little sister; bc she planned a sleepover with her friends several months in advance—#—to celebrate some of them graduating and one of them moving away.#so all night she’d been trying to get away. my mom told her after cake; so that was the original goalpost;#but then my dad just kept ADDING THINGS. first it was “after cake” then “after this; after that”#and this thing just keeps getting pushed further and further back#then he said “it’s trash day. collect the trash first and then you can go” AND MIND YOU ITS LIKE 7 PM AT THIS POINT#I CAN JUST SEE HER GETTING SO UPSET so i step in; tell her “i’ll take care of it; lets just go.”#AND MY DAD. MY DAD. MY DAD. omg.#he goes “wow!! so good!! 😁😁” WITH THE SAME TONE THAT HE TALKS TO THE DOG. WHY. WHY.#look idk what he means by it; he could just be filling empty space for all im aware; me and my dad have weird communication skills#but the message that it sends me is “who the hell do you think you are helping her right now.”#and that. makes me angrier than anything.#who the hell do you think YOU are trying to keep her from her friends. who the hell do you think YOU are TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT.#and i swear he could see that in my eyes cus then he goes “want some icecream 🥺?”#so i tell him “i don’t know what you mean by that.” in the flattest voice i can give#and he just throws his hands up in the air and g r o a n s as if to say ‘HERE WE GO AGAIN’#and i just. bite my tongue and drive my sister to her friends house.#but i swear he does this all the time. he just uses different code words. an old one used to be “mom made curry!” (my favorite meal)#and he’d use it every time he had something negative to say to me. yk. the same way you’d tease a dog with a treat to get them all excited.#“positive sandwich” is what he’d call it. a positive; then a negative; then a positive to make the whole thing ok#but yk a sandwich is always gonna taste like what’s inside. and brother; i can taste the shit between your buns.#yes i know how that sounds.#but yea. as soon as i got home he asked me if i wanted ice cream again.#rubbing salt in the wound? or just trying to curb my anger? i’ll never know. but it drove me upstairs for the rest of the night.#but yea that’s my little rant. someone come get my dad.#stan’s forum
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Probably the wildest record haul I have ever been bestowed... after my dentist appointment, no less.
I FINALLY HAVE A VINTAGE COPY OF ANIMALIZATION aaAAAAAA MY COLLECTION OF U.S. ANIMALS VINYLS IS AT LAST COMPLETE ‼️🐾✨️ All from local record stores as well!
#i am still in absolute shock and awe....#one of the record stores i went to opened back in like 2021/2022 and i drove past it all the time and wanted to go soooo badly#finally had a chance to yesterday and..... wow.......WOW WOW WOW GOSH THERE WERE SOOOOOOO MANY. ANIMALS. WAHHHHHH.#so many animals THAT I COMPLETED MY U.S. COLLECTION OF THEIR LPs!?!??!?!#it was bound to happen soon since i just needed two more ('animalization' and 'love is') bUT BOTH AT ONCE??#got that copy of 'rudely interrupted' for my friend in england...... and also because seeing eric and alan on the front there........#y e a h i love them to pieces 😔 every day that passes i love 70s reunion!animals more and more THEY NEEDED IT. ESPECIALLY ERIC AND ALAN.#scoop found alan on that 'best on the animals' album 🥹#ORIGINAL 'ELECTRIC LADYLAND' PRESSING!?!?! THANK YOU CHAS?!?!?!#i never am able to find original jimi hendrix pressings anywhere gOSH GOLLY GOSH#hello kinks hello yardbirds#my mom was being mean to ray davies yesterday 😔#DYLOVAN REAL. i actually got the bob at a different record store and infodumped to the employee there about alan and 'dont look back'#the employee asked about how i got into the animals and g o s h did i tell them 🫢🫢🫢#DONOVAN EEEEEE finding an original copy of 'mellow yellow' made me sOOOO SO SO HAPPY#'hampstead incident' always playing in my head#and that randy newman album where i accidentally took a picture of the back.....#it's like 90% full of songs that alan and eric specifically covered a couple of years prior 👀 thank you for contributing to price-burdon#gOSH CRYING. SOBBING. SCREAMING SO LOUD STILL.#things i said today#not a second mag#thanks for helping me scoop <3#the animals#jimi hendrix experience#donovan#the kinks#the yardbirds#soooo sad that my manager who likes classic rock is on vacation this week i would've stopped at work on the way home to show him#alright time to find more of the animals' UK albums and 45s and original EPs 😤😤😤🐾✨️#donovan leitch
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Close to losing my fucking mind with my parents I swear.
#its fucking money problems again#and of course my money is in their savings so guess whose money left in the savings was taken without asking???#yeah uh according to mom i cant call it stealing because somehow its borrowing...last i checked borrowing implies im aware#but i wasnt at all until last night#and now im dreading any money left over from my shopping trip#because my mom will go after it#they already on about how they cant get my drinks until pay#and moms pissed shes not having an asesthetic mothers day which like#funny i had to accept christmas being small because moms friend gave me a talk#but mom cant accept mothers day not being a fucking aesthetic because cant afford a chicken for a roast#hell i was getting asked for £20 already for fucking smoking stuff for dad even when dad said hes fine for now to mom#its just....'money wont make you happy' but it sure fucking would right now! it'd make my mom stop coming after me#dad has all the shame in the world when asking his sisters for money help#but never his daughter#and by ask i mean take without asking/'borrow'....seriously they once owed me over £100 when i first got uc money#because i would suddenly not have that money in the bank and it'd always happen without asking me#and their excuse is well you'd say no yeah uh i say no sometimes because sometimes its ridiculous amounts of money#let alone mom proceeds to call me names after the no not helping it#dads the only one who asked nicely once and not for a ridiculous amount#funny mom didnt think to have dad ask#rather 'borrow' instead
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me: hey, so i feel like you maybe disregarded my saying that caretaking on top of work and school and pre-planned travel is a lot for me right now and i’m not comfortable with all of that pressure being on me alone when i wanna make sure you guys have everything you need when i’m not around…
my family: of COURSE we heard you, that’s why we started doing a bunch of things by ourselves at great cost to our physical well-being instead of asking you for help!!!!!!
me:
#my number one emotion right now is wanting to move across the country out of spite as soon as my mom is fully mobile again#i am sooooooooo done#i had recommended looking into options for home care and my mom supposedly did#but then today she was like ‘idk… there’s just nothing that isn’t medical… there’s no options’#so i googled ‘caretaker help [name of our city]’ and found dozens of people IMMEDIATELY#sent her several links#idk i’m just really pissed off#all i’m suggesting that they do is make a plan in case something like this happens again#and they seem FLABBERGASTED#my mom-mom literally said to me multiple times ‘people don’t usually plan for bad things happening to them’#and it’s like. dude. your daughter is literally lying there in a cast right now bc she fell down the goddamn stairs#the bad thing DID happen!!!!!!!#so now that you’re THINKING ABOUT IT maybe make a plan for next time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and i was VERY nice about it#no bad words… no insults… measured and calm tone…#but they were treating me like i was being crazy and unreasonable and i just don’t GET it…#i know it can be hard to ask for help but this is honestly delusional#my mom hasn’t taken a vacation in over three years because she’s NEVER looked into home care before#and neither she nor my mom-mom are happy about that… they’re always venting to me about it#my mom about how she wants to get out more and my mom-mom about how she feels like a burden#and it’s like. my dudes…#just hire someone!!!!!#like. three hours a day tops… just to check in!!!!!#it wouldn’t be that hard!!!!!!!#am i nuts?????? someone reality check me please#i need something firm to grasp onto
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flipping people off tic they could never make me like you.
#GENUINELY about to blow a fuse. i hate tics.#if anyone tells me “oh hahah so you can flip people off whenever you want and blame it on ___? that's so lucky!!” im going to kill someone#ive had tics for years but only in the past year or two have they become more noticeable and self-injuring. especially since june/july.#i cant get diagnosed with anything. on the occasion that i asked i just say i have tics and leave it at that. there is literally nothing#else i can do#and i cant even tic freely at school around friends who know about this.#if a teacher catches on or thinks i could be on drugs and asks/contacts my parents about it im fucked. if a friend accidentally tells a pare#nt about it im fucked. if my BROTHER tells my parents im fucked.#like dont get me wrong. they arent shitty people and they ARE compassionate and sympathetic.#they just arent empathetic. they cannot put themselves in others shoes ESPECIALLY relating to things like anxiety & mental illness#& disability.#at one point my brother told my mom that he thought he might have ADHD. she immediately got pretty mad and went off with the whole “you're t#he same as me now/when i was a kid and //I// dont have ADHD.“ like ffs.#and honestly i might be worse off. i cant help but suspect that because im “smart” and “gifted” that to them#i cant POSSIBLY have anything wrong with me mentally or physically or emotionally. ESPECIALLY when its something that has the stigma and#connotations that tic disorders as a whole have. literally the only place where i can have a relief from this shit is locked in my room. and#even then my dad's always in the room next to mine and my parent's room is across the hall.#*btw the reason i can't get diagnosed with anything is because of my parents and their shitty empathy skills towards anyone who#isnt neurotypical or able bodied. like i love my parents i really do but ffs man it gets to a point sometimes.#dont mind all the typos in this i only got ~ 3 hours of sleep last night#tw tics#delete later
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I saw you post about Seafarers, but to me, your finest work will always be Fifteen Notes to You, reread all of it the other day and... yeah, it still hits like a fucking bullet train.
I genuinely don't think it's possible to capture Mono's descent into insanity better than you did here. It reminds me a little of The Last Weekend from the anthology Inside no.9, in that, you know, both from the story itself and the context it exists in, that it won't have a happy ending, but the humanization of the characters just forces you to cling to hope that something will go right. But that rarely, if ever, happens in The Nowhere.
FNTY... Now THAT'S a name I haven't heard in years...
Thank you so much!!!! I'm super grateful to see folks still enjoy my old stories :)it seems to be the general consensus even among my friends that FNTY is the best complete fic I've put out. Reading thru the comments, I remember one of a person who told me that it made them cry - and the comment made ME cry LMAOOOOOOO😭
I'm very proud of it myself as it was not only my first published fic, but my first multichaptered fic I ever completed as well. Though I am a slow writer (SEAFARERS CHAPTER 5 IS IN THE WORKS😭), for FNTY it was never because I had excessive trouble figuring out what to put on paper - especially never when in regards to the letters themselves. The most troubling parts were the in betweens, funnily enough.
Mono and Thin Man come very naturally to me when writing. I think it may be because I tend to interpret them as having very big feelings... like myself, I guess. And since the story itself is short, I suppose that I managed to make the thing itself feel like there are many big feelings in a tiny box. I will admit I got emotional myself a couple of times... then went on to edit like nothing was wrong LMAOOOO like this is how I looked writing and then editing vvv


For Seafarers, the emotional payoff has yet to come, and it will be different -- considering we have World's Most Emotionally Constipated Woman and Our Strongest Soldier (the PTSD has yet to hit because she's still actively experiencing the horrors) as the protagonists this time.
Six and the Lady are both considerably harder to write for me. I had my chance to write the Big Feeler at the very beginning because the stakes there were skyrocketing from the getgo, but now things have gotten considerably more... silent. The feelings are there but they're all kept in. OUGHHHHHHHHH
I also can't wait to introduce more stuff; I've been writing down concepts for shadow magic and powers, how the Maw works, the various things the Lady of the Maw has to look after to keep it afloat... and the Ladies. Look, I'll say that I'm really happy with what I'm doing with Teapot and Rascal. And with Teapot in general. I really like the characterization I pulled out of my ass LMAOOOOOO and the DESIGN... ok so I'm willing to share a couple of the Teapot's I've doodled



(She's genuinely very silly [read: sick in the head]... i gave all the Ladies some nice additional details because. Ik the point is that they all look very similar but I love designing outfits fuck it this is MY au i do what I want)
So right now I have a suspicion that Seafarers will hit better when it's finished and can be read from beginning to end. Since it's longer (I plan it to be... around 15 chapters? A bit longer if the events require it to be.), there will be more time to let the stuff brew until it reaches its climax as intended.
#carols.txt#Seafarers (Lady Mom AU)#ftny#my writing#{HELP IM SORRY YOU DID *NOT* ASK FOR ALL OF THIS#i went off the rails...#anyway. thank you SO much#so so much#all i can say is the grind never stops and i always strive to get better#seafarers is a different genre so i dont expect it to draw the same reactions out of people but im sure it#will find its crowd👹#again off the rails but i remember peeps commenting that they liked my characterization of the Lady and that had me twirling my hair#giggling like omggg.... fr.... really... thank you! i know her personally and intimately#you could say carnally#HELP#shes so nice to me i would bake her the uncooked beans in the cans ... shes my baked bean (she's high)#INFKDKGMGH#someone send help for six because at this rate she'll lose her mind before the whole 《ladyfication》 process is even beginning}
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i didnt talk about it on here but yesterday is punching me in the gut again
#short of it is mom got mad at me because i asked her to help me with cleaning the kitchen#because i was feeling physically exhausted and needed to work on a 2k word scholarship application. which i hadnt started yet and needed to#-be written before monday#and she expects me to -always- clean the kitchen entirely on my own#i offered to wipe down the counters and i already had unloaded the dishwasher#and sometimes when she asks me to clean... she demands it by a certain time. and this deadline tends to be Unmoving#so i didnt know how long it'd take for me to not feel physically like shit. thus i asked for help. -rarely- do i ask for it#but it turned into an argument (though it was more-so me trying my hardest to negotiate) where doing the kitchen isnt that big of an ask#normally i'd agree... but this isn't a typical fucking school term for me!! I am taking 14 credits and trying to get into a summer abroad -#- program!!#i am literally trying the hardest i am in my entire life to stay on top of things so i dont fuck up my grades. but because it isn't working#the way mom wants it to... then im doing something wrong and i need to find a new strategy#but ive tried every fucking strategy i can think of. at this point she is just asking me not to be disabled#and its JUST A FUCKING KITCHEN!! compared to my FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR GRANT#she's like 'i am treating you like a roommate' if i treated a roommate like you do they'd fucking kill me!!
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i am a metronome of 'this problem is easily solvable if you talk to a certain person in your life and it'll only get worse if you leave it be, calm down and bite the bullet' and 'you've already left it a long time and asking for help even from loved ones is really really hard so actually cry in a ball'
we must destroy the grey head jelly for being the most inconsistent and rude bastard in the world
#its not even that serious its just paying for school stuff but. ough.#i have big issues about feeling 'worth it' to my family so any time i have to approach my mom and ask her to fork up money that my loans#dont cover i feel like Dog Shit. like she always finds it#and she doesnt mind it. and has stressed in the past that its fine and she isnt mad and she just wants me to tell her#but im Bad At Things so i always end up waiting and feeling like Shit#oughhhh#plus i dont wanna do it over the phone but also cant get home to do it in person without her help either#and i always feel like im ruining her day and oughhh#it is not good. 0 stars. ill probably talk to her about it tomorrow because yeah but#good GOD#so yeah im gonna work on getting employment not even for a sense of freedom but just so i dont feel gross all the time#like even if i make 1k a month living at home over the summer. thats pretty much enough to cover what my loans and scholarships dont#literally thats not even enough for taxes to be involved or whatever#anyway. the human spirit is indominable#i had a little cry over it all and im feeling better#im gonna draw some hot man legs. and get ready for dnd tomorrow#and its gonna be fine. i know it will#the plot twist is i went into psychology to help OTHERS but in reality im learning how to help ME
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Most of my sinus infection has cleared up besides the occasional cough and irritated throat but now this ear infection.... everything hurts can I please have a break before I have to go back to work just a day without pain so I can clean up my sicknest without feeling like ass
#i live with my parents but my mom is having a horrible flair up of RA so she's bedbound and can't help me at all and dad is the only one#the only one working atm so he's not doing anything besides that#its just a little frustrating because whenever mom is sick from her flare ups or if dad gets the sniffles im like#I'm like what can i do for you are you comfortable do you need anything can i make you food let me clean up etc#but when i go down for 3 days of being visibly miserable everything i ask is the world#ask dad to pick up my perscription but god forbid i ask him to do any other task on the way home that involves making 2 SEPARATE LOCATIONS#ita fine hes just. idk#plus mom has her RA flare up and idk#it just feels like nobody in this house is particularly sympathetic when im feeling miserable but im ALWAYS sympathetic when they are#the first 2 days i was doing nothing but sleeping or rolling in pain in my room and no one came to check in on me to see how i was doing#then yesterday my mom says shes taking us both into urgent care but leaves without me in the morning when i was too sick to wake up when she#called for me.#she was like I just really was in so much pain and you didnt get up and i wanted to go asap and i called you#anyway so because i was so sick i couldnt wake up i had to drive myself to urgent care which is also fine im a big boy#anyway. circumstances or whatever. im also real salty bc ive felt like shit for like 4 days
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here#how i wish to go to [nyc] again
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overcoming anxiety (through practicing the things that scare you) is so interesting. i used to be horrified of taking up space or alerting other people of my presence. now i'm compelled to tell strangers i like their outfits or hair or earrings- on bad days i tell maybe a quarter of them. do i still overthink it? absolutely. but i call attention to myself to tell someone else my opinion. and with the way they tend to smile and tell me "thank you!" i'm pretty sure it's taken to heart.
i used to be horrified of making phone calls as well. this is one i'm still getting over- i just Don't Like Doing It. i used to have a phone call routine that i still joke about- realize i need to call someone, cry, avoid it for a few days, suck it up, write a script, memorize the script, cry again, final script read, make the call with the script in front of me. and i would be Exhausted by the end of it. i don't cry when i need to call people anymore. i'm even needing scripts less and less- i've found out that people actually won't kill me if i talk a little too fast or stumble on my words. i doubt i'll ever like making phone calls- i especially hate robots (i'm afraid they'll mishear me and direct me wrong or a person will suddenly show up and i won't be prepared)- but i can make them now.
i get overwhelmed really easy. just a thing that happens to me. my brain is really really good at taking one task and breaking it up into thousands of little tasks and it feels like i'm drowning. if i try to make it fewer larger tasks then it starts to feel insurmountable. i was completely lost on how to deal with this (other than avoid until you get that panic attack and can do work in the post-catharsis calm until 6:00 AM) until one night when my dad (who i often meet late at night due to overlapping mental illness symptoms) asked me how to eat an elephant. i looked at him, confused, and he said "one bite at a time." that was way more effective than any other analogy i've seen has been. "light at the end of a tunnel"- i don't feel like i'm moving forward, i feel like i'm scaling a wall. "steps on a trail"- i can see my destination, but it feels impossible to move forward. but eating an elephant? that sums it up perfectly. this huge task which seems impossible at a glance. but it must be done. so you eat the elephant, a bite at a time. every time i'm overwhelmed i repeat that phrase to myself. it hasn't made any major changes yet, but it keeps me calm enough to start before i hit the panic attack, which i'll take.
i was such a perfectionist growing up- i actually thought it was a good thing (school always taught me to strive for perfection). but it made me scared to try new things- if i wasn't immediately good at them, then it clearly wasn't for me. i'm still not great at starting new hobbies, but i try a lot of new things within the hobbies i already have. i test out different ways of making art, i try new puzzle games i don't understand, etc. and the feeling of steady improvement reminds me that i don't need to be good right away. some of the most satisfying moments don't come from immediately being good- they come from achieving that skill over time. i'd like to try to learn to sew soon.
idk it's interesting. i rewire my own brain's fear response by doing the Horrifying Thing enough times for me to understand that no i will not die. and while i'm doing it it feels like nothing is changing. i get so stressed every time- it can actually take a lot out of me (turns out fight-or-flight burns a lot of energy). but i look back at then vs. now and i realize how far i've come, and i can't help but think "huh. neat"
#marzi speaks#this post has no point. i am simply thinking out loud#i think understanding the root of where the anxiety comes from helps a lot too#like. my mom feels most secure when she's in control#she doesn't like situations in which she can't control how she responds or what happens when she does#it makes her feel helpless. and that's how her GAD affects her#it's also why her fear response is 'fight'- she stress-cleans and expresses authority because those are things she can control#it's a self-soothing technique#but for me it's different. i'm most at ease when i know where i am and what's going on#this could be for plenty of reasons. i'm bad at directions and time blind so i feel lost easily#i had to learn to do a lot of things by myself growing up because my brother needed a bit of extra attention#my parents used to sometimes forget to tell me about things- i wouldn't know we were going somewhere until they asked me if i was ready#or even just that i was always surrounded by so much information and i love learning with my whole heart#when i can't know what will happen next or why something's happening in the first place i get disoriented and frightened#i don't need to have a say in what will happen. i just need to know. then i can roll with the punches#this is why MY fear responses are flight and freeze#i self-isolate because i know environments like my room and my mind#other people are unpredictable. i know what i will do#i like puzzles because they're something i can learn and figure out. once i understand it's a matter of patterns#and they take my mind off of the unknown i'm worried about#my mom will engage in a lot of conflict behavior. i engage in a lot of avoidant behavior#yes this caused arguments growing up lmao. i'd be freaking out abt smth and she'd be confused as to why i wasn't just going and fixing it#or she'd be freaking out abt smth and i'd be confused as to why she didn't try to just get all the facts#but we're better communicators abt that now teehee#it's interesting though. we have the same illness (generalized anxiety disorder) and are similar in a lot of ways#but because our root fears are different our responses to them are different#this could also be learned#my mom grew up poor and didn't get to do a lot- she worked her ass off to have financial freedom#i grew up comfortable with every question i asked entertained by two very smart parents. when a question can't be answered i feel dissonant#it's probably a bit of both in some cyclical manner. still nifty to think about
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i miss my mom.
#ooc. mikkelsen vc: this week on kat valentine's hannibal.#[I just do. I just miss when things were awful or I couldn’t do something and somehow no matter what she’d ask to come. when my best friend#wasn’t feeling well and my hockey legend was doing autographs— once in a lifetime opportunity tbh— and she instantly said she’d go with me.#didn’t care much about hockey herself in spite of my diehard family but it didn’t matter. it was a childhood dream and she wanted to help me#fulfill it. my dad took a lot away from her but one thing that she always tried to translate was I should never hold back from something I#really wanted. no matter if it was ‘silly’ or ‘childish’. meet your heroes and experience anything you can was always what she tried to give#me. and yeah we had a really hard relationship but. I think the trying sticks out to me most importantly. I just miss my mom. I just wish#things had been better.]
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I actually had the worst day I’ve had in awhile now but i survived it
#barely#im learning to lean on the people that care about me#i even cried on my mom tonight and i hate crying in front of people 😭😭#and it’s always been hard for me in general to talk to my mom especially but I’m learning to trust her and grow from our past#all that cheese and mushy shiz yeah yeah#work was insane tn and i was not prepared at all#i almost had a meltdown too but i kept it together and that’s when I called my co worker and she saved my ass#and my other coworker was trying to help me too that was off and was literally gonna leave her house to help me 🥺🥺🥺#it was just so bad fr#and my hours switching has been a twist for me too which happened to be a factor of today#but I made shit work but it still also was a mess at the same time lmao#it was a crazy ass day and I’m just glad it’s over now#a lot of good things happened today but the bad was bad#im just glad I didn’t hold in my feelings and was also not too prideful to ask for help#im drinkin my wine and hittin my pen bc fuck the cold I’ll just be a vape god for now#that was kinda cringe but I’m drunk so don’t take me seriously besides the parts of this that are my feelings 🤣#also got a card from one of my coworkers and my boss with a Starbucks gift card 🫶🏼 I was so surprised#that mfer wrote ‘crazy lady’ on the envelope 🙃🙃🤣🤣#funniest guy I know right there lmao#we have too much fun and he only works like once a week bc he’s like 40 or 50 something with a million different jobs bc he’s the crazy one#today was a roller coaster basically 🤣🤣 but i did the shit and somehow managed to keep shit together#im just ready for the holidays to be over so work can not be super busy anymore#but i am excited for the holidays it’s gonna be amazing i think 🫶🏼 not gonna be hung up on fake love this time and will be able to enjoy it#fully#for the first time in too long#last Christmas was so bad it makes me sick thinking about it#fuck that guy so much#just realizing this was amazing wow#so hype to have a clear and free mind this holiday without our ‘relationship’ looming over me#proud of me for multiple things rn 🥹
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#girl help i'm romanticizing a relationship that i was in over a decade ago that left me emotionally bruised and stunted#a very toxic relationship in which i was abused in every way a person can be abused#i always would tell myself that i wouldn't take him back after he would cheat on my and i would be tricked into it because i really thought#that i could change him and he could be better#but i realized much later that the reason i was so easy to win back wasn't just because i was in love with him‚ but also because#i really loved his family. i loved the love they gave me‚ and how-- despite how poor our relationship was-- they were on my side#and always cared for me. even when we weren't together‚ his mom was always checking in on me#he and i reconciled years after our very‚ very messy final breakup and maintained a good friendship#however he started getting radicalized and was leaning further and further right‚ so i distanced myself and removed him from my socials#last year‚ around this time‚ i started having dreams about him over and over‚ so i took it as a sign to reach out to him and check in#turned out that his mom had been hospitalized and it wasnt looking good. i reached out to her as well. thankfully‚ she went home#and he asked me how i was‚ like he wanted to keep in touch‚ and i never replied. i wanted to keep that distance between us#but i would still be near if they needed me‚ and for some reason‚ i just assumed the family knew that#fast forward to now. his mom is gone and it's weighing heavily on me. he's told me he never wants to talk to me again#and that's also weighing on me. i wish i just knew the direct reason why he feels that way#like if it's specifically something i said‚ if it's that i remind him of all the wonderful times we spent together with his mom‚ or#is it because of his new wife#i don't think i was that much on an influence on his life considering how often he used me and cheated on me-- i'm not a threat#like to their marriage. so i'm inclined to think it's because i remind him of his mom#but not knowing for sure is the worst part of this‚ i think. i know he's hurting‚ and he knows i know what it's like to lose a parent#i want to give back to the family that gave me so much‚ but now that he's shut me out‚ i'm not sure how to do that anymore#ah‚ flea. you'd know what to say. i wish you were here to tell me.
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