#I also spent about 45 minutes trying to find this fucking photo

[blueballsracing]

i've been a landoscar fan since this happened

[pascalscenarios]

THE ONE (Frankie Morales x Reader)

THE ONE

Frankie Morales x Reader  

Summary: After the ordeal with Frankie, You spend your time alone. In the mean time, Lilah plans on talking to you. 

Warning: Mild Swearing

Words: 2,909

Authors Note: Hello! I hope you all are well! This chapter has me in my feels... I’m debating how long I should make this fic... I think I’m going up to 10, but we’ll see... Enjoy  :) - K 

CH 1 | CH 2 | CH 3 | CH 4 | CH 5 | CH 5.5 | CH 6 |

Chapter 6

You were locked up in your bedroom. You didn’t dare to come out and face Alex. They were sweet, giving you space for a couple of hours to deal with your feelings after the whole Frankie ordeal. You were curled up in your bed, your eyes puffy from balling your eyes out. You staring out the window watching the rainfall.

He told you he loved you. Frankie told you he loved you. You knew he loved you, but after all these years he still wanted to be with you? He had a whole decade to make things right with you, but he decided to swoop in last minute a week before your wedding to fuck things.

He also had no right to tell you how to feel about him. How did you feel?

You heard a knock on the door.

“Babe?” Alex says softly opening the door. They watch you lie there on the bed.

They walk over sitting at the foot of the bed.

“I’m sorry…” you whispered.

“Hun, you have nothing to be sorry about.” They rub your back comforting you.

You turn to face Alex, sitting up in bed, resting your back against the wall. You pulled the blanket up more, grabbing a pillow to clutch in your arms.

“I know you have a lot of questions.” your voice trembled.

Alex stays silent waiting for you to talk.

“When I went out with the girls clubbing, I got lost, I thought I called you, but I accidentally called Frankie. He came picked up, I crashed at his place, nothing happened, but I was hanging out with him today”

Alex looked relieved.

“But I haven’t been completely honest with you about Frankie…” You couldn’t look Alex in the eyes.  

“The day we went cake testing, I told you Frankie was an old friend...he is an old friend. I’ve known him since I was a kid, but at one point we used to date...he’s my ex-boyfriend.” You confessed.

You kept spilling everything.

“I’ve never talked about him with you because I didn’t think I would need to. I didn’t think I would ever see him again. I found out why he left me, he has a daughter. I’m not mad at him at that, not one bit, but it just hurts that he didn’t tell me... and then he told me he still loved me. I know I shouldn’t care, because I’m not with him- I’m with you, but part of me does care-”

You scrunch your face, your lips trembling as you try to stop yourself from shedding tears, but they still manage to fall.

“Ever since he came back- I don’t know how I’m feeling and its suffocating, I’m so confused my head is just-”

“I think I should go,” Alex says.

“W-what?” Your eyes widen

“I think we need time apart” Your chest heaved as you heard them say that. Everything was crashing down on you. You bared your feelings and now he wants to leave you? The feeling you were getting felt exactly like the night Frankie left you.

“B-but the wedding is next week-”

“I know…” They move closer to the bed, grabbing a hold of your hands.

“I think you and I need to think things over alone. We need a couple of days to wrap our head around things, figure out what we want-”

“But I want you…Please don’t go, I’m sorry- ” You cried.

“Don’t be sorry. Look, it’ll only be a couple of days...After we thought about things, well come back and talk about us. We’ll figure things out, I promise, but right now, we need to think about if this is truly what we want, what you want.”

“Alex…”

“No matter what, I love you” They kiss you on the forehead, then leave the bedroom.

…

“My uncle Santiago who told me everything Rehma! The photos of the person in the shoebox was my dad’s childhood sweetheart. They’re Uncle Santi’s cousin. They called them Smiles” Lilah was laying on her bed, staring at a photo of you, Frankie.

“That’s crazy! What happened between them?” Rehma, Lilah’s best friend, was over their phone call.

“Me…” Lilah signs placing the photo down, rolling on to her back.

“What, what do you mean you?”

“You know how I didn’t meet my dad until I was five...Well, he was with Smiles at the time.”

“Right, your mom didn’t tell him about you…”

“...Because he was with Smiles…”

“What? That’s why your mom didn’t tell him?”

“I mean I guess, my parents weren’t serious. They didn’t last long, they thought it was best to remain friends. Obviously, my mom should have told my Dad about me, but I don’t think she wanted to ruin what he and smiles had, but ultimately he was the one that ended up doing that.”

“What do you mean?

“He left smiles and went after me… for a whole decade they had no idea about me.”

“What a mess!” Rehma gasped.

“Tell me about it! but I just feel bad he left Smiles in the dust like that. This is the love of his life!”

“What about you? How are you feeling about all this?” Rehma asked.  

“I have him. He’s forever in my life now. He loves me, I do not doubt that ever. He’s always put me and my needs first, I mean obviously, he’s a dad, that's the job, but it’s time he puts himself first. I’m fifteen, I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m growing older, being more independent…I’ve never seen him be with anyone since the day he brought me home. I just want him to be happy you know.”

“Wow, that's-”

“That's why I'm going to talk to Smiles!” Lilah sits up in bed.

“Are you crazy?! What are you gonna do, pull a parent trap???”

“Some things like that…'' Lilah grabs the photo of you and Frankie, pulling out the shoebox that was hidden underneath your bed.

“I mean I think it’s cute you wanna set your dad up again with his childhood sweetheart, but what if this goes wrong?”

“Act now, think later, fuck it right?!” Lilah squeezes the phone between her shoulder and cheek, as she grabs her backpack, stuffing the boxes in.

“Moon!” Frankie shouted from the hallway.

“I gotta go!”

“Text me how it goes! If you need backup, call me!”

“Okay bye!”

“Moon?” Lilah quickly slips up the bag and hangs up the phone.

Frankie walks into Lilah’s room, finding her on the floor with her bag.

“Yeah, Dad?” She smiles.

“What are you up to?”

“Nothing..” She stands up, slinging the bag over her shoulder.

“Where are you going?” He asks to lean against the doorframe.

“Is it okay if I go to Rehma’s? We have homework and a project to do…” Lilah lied.

“You just go home from school…”

“I know, but she's freaking out about everything. Mrs. Pike is kicking our ass lately with everything.

“Yeah, just be home before-”

“Thanks, dad!” Lilah quickly walks up to Frankie kissing him on the cheek and bolts out the door.

“-Sunset!”

“Got it! Bye love you!” She called out. Lilah was standing outside her house. She pulls out her phone, looking in her notes for your address she took down in her notes.

“Alright, Smiles… Where do you live?”

...

You spent Valentine's day alone, curled up on the couch, a pile of junk food around you, watching your favorite romantic comedies. You were doing the same thing three days later. You were wearing pajamas, your hair disheveled, your eyes still puffy from crying. It has been a terrible week so far.

You avoid thinking about everything, just wanting to take time to do absolutely nothing and veg out.

You were eating ice cream from the carton when you heard your doorbell ring. You didn’t bother to get up and answer it. You just wanted to be left alone. The ringing became persistent. You groaned, setting the carton down on the couch and getting up to answer the door.

You open the door to find a letter on the ground with your name on it. You pick up the letter opening it.

Frontier Park @ 5:00 pm

You look up, scanning the neighborhood, there was no one around. Who could this be from? Alex? Maybe Santiago...Frankie?

You went back inside your house, checking the time. It was 3:45, almost noon. You looked at our messy living room. Maybe you should get out. You’ve been cooped up in the house for too long. You needed some fresh air and gained back a clear and unclouded mind.

…

You got changed and headed to the park. It was a nice day, with a slight cool breeze. You sat on the bench and overlooked the pond. You sat there admiring the beautiful flowers and the cute ducks that swam on the pond.

From the corner of your eye, you see someone walking towards you. It was a young girl. As she gets closer to you, you realize who she was. You stand up as she approaches you.

“H-hi…” she stutters, stopping in front of you. “I’m-”

“Lilah” you gasp. You couldn't help but smile. She looked just like Frankie. You couldn’t believe she was standing in front of you.

You extend your hand out, introducing yourself. You both sat down on the bench.

“I can’t believe I’m meeting you right now…” Lilah says in a bit of shock.

“I can’t believe I’m meeting you either...I’m guessing you’re the one who left the letter at my doorstep. Are you alright? Did something happen? Is Frankie okay?” You were concerned for her, Frankie even. You had no idea why you were meeting her, but if she needed anything, you were willing to help her.

Lilah smiled. You were just like Santiago in her eyes. You were concerned and caring just like him. “Yes, I am. Everythings fine, I’m fine...Dad’s... Sorta okay I guess…” she says awkwardly.

“I’m sorry ambush you like this-”

“No! It’s alright... I - Just- How did you find me? How do you even know who I am?” Had Frankie told her about you?

“Uncle Santiago…”

“Of course” you rolled your eyes, chuckling.

“I went to Uncle Santi’s house, he answered questions I had…I found your address in the junk drawer in his kitchen...I wanted to talk to you about you and my dad... Uncle Santiago to me everything…”

You stiffen. Why the hell would your cousin air out all your dirty laundry with Frankie out on his Daughter?

“My dad has an old Shoebox filled with old photos of the two of you hidden in the back of the hallway closet.” She pulled the shoebox out of her bag, handing it to you.

You take the lid off staring down at a stack of photos.

“I would catch him staring at them from time to time. I used to look through these photos without him knowing. I always wondered who you were. I knew you must have been someone important to him. My best was that you two dated, Uncle Santi, confirmed that, but I found Dad bringing it back out for the first time in a long time, about a month ago. He’s been different lately. He’s sad. He tries to hide it from me, acting like he’s fine, but I can see right through him.”

You shuffle through the photos, a sad smile on your face at the memories they brought back to you.

“I just wanted to apologize, I know what happened between you and my dad… I know I’m the cause-”

“No no no.” You shake your head, setting the photos down in the box between you, placing your hand on her back.

“Lilah, that wasn’t your fault. What happened between Frankie and I is between us. Your Dad needed to go after you, and I don’t blame him one bit for doing that, that would be selfish of me.”

“I wish he would have told you about me. I think it’s terrible that he left without saying anything. And all those years without knowing-”

“I wish he would have told me too, but what’s most important is that he has you. You’re all he needs”

“Yeah he does have me, but what he needs is you. You’re his missing piece to his puzzle. He could never love someone as much as he loves you and me.”

“Lilah…” You turn away from her, tears starting to form in your eyes at what she said.

“Look, I know you’re getting married a-and I know my dad hurt you, but I think you should be with him. You’re the love of his life...You’re the one that got aw-”

“Lilah!” You hear a man shout.

You see Frankie walking towards you both.

“Oh, shit” Lilah murmurs quickly standing, grabbing the shoe box, she had no time to hide away in her bag as well as you.

“Lilah!” He was angry. You quickly stand up

“Dad!-”

“Lilah what-” He stops talking, taken back by you standing beside his daughter.

“Smiles?” He furrowed his eyebrows at you confused. He turns his focus back on his daughter.

“Lilah, what the HELL are you doing?!”

“Dad, I-”

“You lied to me about where you were going?! You left your books at the house, I went over to Rehma’s, only for her parents to tell me you weren’t over there!”

“Dammit, I forgot to tell her the plan..” Lilah mumbled, closing her eyes.

“Lilah, what are you even doing?! And why are you here with my daughter?” He pointed at you. His eyes catch the box “Where did you get that?” he looks up at Lilah

“The hallways closet…I-I know about you and smiles…”

His chest heaves. “What is this?” He turns his attention towards you, staring at you tensely. “You are trying to get back at me for all the shit I did?! You really gotta drag my kid into this?!” he yelled.

“Frankie-” you tried to explain, but he wouldn’t let you speak

“I know I fuck up, but this is low! You don’t go meeting up with my kid and talk about our business! Why would you even-”

“I’m the one that asked them to meet me here!” Lilah spoke up.

“Lilah, how do you even know-”

“Uncle Santiago told me. He told me everything. Valentine's day when I told you I was a Rehma, I was at Uncle Santi’s house. I’ve known about the shoebox for years, Dad…”

He scoffs. “Of course he fucking did...Why are you here with smiles?”

“...I was…” Lilah looks down at the ground.

“You were what, Lilah?”

She sighed. “..I was trying to get them to take you back…”

“Oh god…” Frankie groans, rubbing his face.

“Dad, I’m-”

“Lilah! You can’t be serious right now!!!” he began to yell again.

“Dad, you're sad! I can see past the fake smiles and the facade you put up! I’ve seen the way you look at those photos! I thought I could-”

“You have absolutely NO right doing what you did!!! Lying to me, going behind my back, and getting involved in things you don’t understand and that are none of your business!!! You need to apologize to Smiles right now.”

Lilah turns to face you. “I’m sorry…” She whispers, you see the tears forming in her eyes.

“Go wait for me in the truck-”

“Dad-” she croaks.

“I said go wait in the truck. We’ll finish this conversation at home.” He says strictly.

Lilah listened to her father, quickly walking in the direction of the parking lot.

Frankie felt embarrassed and humiliated. He was angry with his daughter that she would put him in a situation like this.

“Frankie-”

“Don’t, Smiles...Just don’t.” He played his hands on his hips, his head hung low. He turns around, his back towards you. He stares off at the forest a few yards away.

“She meant well, Frankie…”

“Yeah, but nothing she does or planned on is going to change anything…” he chuckles.

“You’re still going to get married.” He turned to face you. He was crying.

It was the first time in a long while since you saw him cry. He bottled up his feelings, but he finally found his breaking point.

“I thought it was gonna be us you know. You were it for me. You were the one, but I fucked things up. I fucked things up so bad.” He cried, his eyes growing red. “I should have told you about Lilah. I should have never left you like that, the way that I did. I’ve regretted it every day. We’d probably still be together. A-and now you’re about to get hitched to someone that isn’t me in a couple of days.That should me! I should be the one waiting to see you walk down that aisle, that should be me you’re walking towards, not Alex…”

You hadn’t realized you were crying.

“I’m gonna have to live with that for the rest of my life.”

“Frankie..” you breathed. He walked up towards you, grabbing your side of your face, passionately kissing you. The kiss was desperate, he pulled you closer to him. He needed to kiss you one last time. You both pull away breathless, but he sneaks a few more short kisses before you both rest your foreheads against each other.

“I love you so much, Smiles... I’m sorry for everything.” With that, he pulls away from your grasp, walking away.

He leaves you standing alone.

Tags // @icanbeyourjedi  @im-an-adult-ish  @sara-alonso @lydiascottage @eternalkara​

[hexalene]

What's your wildest cruise ship story?

Oh shit I meant to post this sooner whoops

Uh

I have less “ONE BIG THING” stories and more of like, a series of surreal Events that happened to me over the course of the years and years I went on cruises (my family could go on cruises for free, so we abused the shit out of that for reunions and vacations for a long time)

So here’s a few of those, and I SWEAR TO GOD they’re real, and I might have photos buried somewhere to prove some of them, but idk, that’s like effort.

-I loved wandering around ships super super early in the morning. Like, crack of dawn early. I’d usually go hang out on one of the open floor restaurant areas around the middle of the ship, which had built in window seats you could curl up in. Pillows n shit too. Super comfy. I’d draw and listen to music, ect. One morning, I looked up and saw the Black fucking Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean sailing by. Did not believe my eyes. It and four other ships, two of which were for non-pirate movies, were being sailed into a bay on the island we were headed to. I did manage to get a distant shot of it when I got on land.

-In 2006 (date relevant) I met two men in two different families, who were not related and had never met, named Tony Stark. As this was before the movie came out, I was left tragically alone with no one to be awed at this strange coincidence with me. One of them was even a dark haired man with a nice goatee.

(The other was a cute chubby grandpa type)

-Given the opportunity to demonstrate how corporations rig the system against the consumer, my father brought me down to the casino level and sat down across from a very fancy claw machine that dispensed iPads and other expensive tech prizes. He told me, “some people will win, and I’ll tell you when they will.”

I was like “okay dad sure” but we sat there for HOURS, and dad would say “okay, this guy will win if he goes for this prize” or “this guy will lose” and finally, “that woman will win an iPad.” Of course, most were losers, but he was DEAD ON every time someone would win. After a while he explained that the machine would only dispense prizes after collecting the money to pay for two more of whatever was won. He’d just sat there and done the math on the people playing the game and when it added up, he’d wait to see what they went for and let me know if they won. It had absolutely nothing to do with skill.

To make his point, he waited, counting out loud the money being put in, before standing up and slapping the button randomly on one of the lower rank prizes. He won an otter box phone case and told me that no one will ever give you the chance to win out at a loss to themselves, so don’t make a bet unless you’ve rigged the game to win. I was 14.

-uhhh what else

-The dance troupe arranged to do shows suffered a tragic undisclosed accident, so the short term bullshit to entertain people in the theatre was an honest to god passenger led talent show. Surreal on its own, but one of the passengers was a contortionist, and ran off to get their suitcase.

Now, they did a lot of fun bendy stuff, very weird, very cool, but they asked for volunteers at one point. I, my sister, our cousin, and two other kids were asked to come on stage. I was the oldest, maybe 12/13ish, my sister and cousin were 9, and the other two kids were between 6-9.

This MADMAN, without straining any of us to bend in any weird or uncomfortable way, managed to fit all five of us into his empty suitcase. I was in the damn thing and I have no idea how he managed it. He then zipped us all up inside and walked around the stage a bit. And it was fine, like not uncomfortable or hard to breath or anything!

I remember getting out of the suitcase clearest of all. We’d all been fit inside so snugly, in this order:

Me, stranger kid 1, cousin, sister, and stranger kid 2. To get us out, he lay the case flat and lifted my sister up. Somehow this like??? Was like those monkey in a barrel toys, we all just neatly unfolded with her, no tripping or falling or anything. That feeling, where one moment I’m staring at my cousins’ feet and some other kid’s elbow, and then I see the dude lift my sister and then all of us just RISE WITH IT and unfold like a flower blooming I have no idea if this makes any sense at all but it felt magical.

- Something bad happened back home, but we didn’t know what. My dad had a business meeting but mom wanted to see the beach. We got off the ship, and like, HARDCORE struggled to find a way to get to a beach, any beach. We were in....Mexico, somewhere in the neighborhood of Chichén Itzá, maybe an island nearby I think? There were some massive ruins somewhere, I remember that much.

While mom hunted down a beach, my siblings and I sat under a giant box fan, near a TV. Something was happening, the employees were changing the channel, trying to find the clearest signal to the American news. I remember looking over at the grainy footage being interrupted by commercials and other signals and piecing together through the static and the employee trying to translate that back home, the 2008 financial crash was happening and that mom’s insistence that we find a beach and have fun was because that business meeting dad had stayed behind to deal with was him trying to make sure we’d still have a house to live in when we got back to the states, and she didn’t know if this would be the last truly carefree time we had before we went home to face the music.

-However, mom’s eternal struggles to find a beach didn’t begin in 2008. The previous trip we’d taken had another Beach Adventure.

That time, it was also just mom and the siblings. I don’t remember why dad was staying behind, maybe a poker tournament or something?

We disembarked and the struggle began. Nothing was in English, other than the scant few signs the cruise ship put out to guide passengers off the docks. However, THIS was not a problem, as I was about as fluent in Spanish as a third grader restricted to the present tense, and this worked well enough to get us around.

There was a massive bus to a beach, just PACKED to the gills with Americans. As we waited in line, a nondescript man came up to us, and said, “that bus will go to a very crowded beach with many other passengers of other ships. I know a better beach, and cheap! I’ll charge only half of what that bus will charge you and my beach is much much nicer!”

You might be thinking that common sense would tell us not to get in a random unmarked car with an un-uniformed man offering an amazing half off deal to a perfect isolated beach in broken English on a largely rural island, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong.

My mother is a sweet devout catholic lady with a hidden core of raw chaos. Her idea of a nice day out in the snow with her tiny children was to strap us in the back, drive to the massive Schnuck’s parking lot, gun it up to 90mph, and hydroplane/drift like a fucking drag racer across the ice, laughing. Common sense does not exist in any normal capacity in this woman.

We spent an incredibly tense, silent, 45 minutes driving into the wilderness packed into a tiny car with no AC, sweating with heat and nerves as he drove us out in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly the driver pulls over. There is literally nothing but trees and cliffs for miles and miles. Mom is clutching my hand, my baby brother, and her knitting needles. The driver runs quickly to the center of the road, leans over, and picks up a huge tortoise that had frozen up when his car approached. He carried it over to the grass, and pat it goodbye.

Before he comes back Mom turns and looks at me and says, “a serial killer probably wouldn’t save a turtle, I think we’ll be okay.”

[closer-stars]

Precious - Seonghwa (2)

Member: Seonghwa Genre: Drama and Horror for the most part Word Count: 7.3k  Requested: Yes Content: Seonghwa finds out what the fuck goes on. Slightly inspired by the fact they went to Spain. A lot of weird things happen. Mentions of body horror, food (it’s not a Stars work if there’s no food involved). Religious references. San is Protective of Seonghwa. Eden knows something that we don’t.  Note: Okay so Part 2 of Precious is here. I had to read about various Biblical references from academic papers, YA books I’ve grown up reading and some classic literature books I’ve had to read at one point. Some architecture readings, some history readings because I have a short attention span that wants to know everything. Things might not be accurate, history/biblical mythology wise but an Attempt was made. 

Part 1

The plans of going abroad to record their next album was a surprise for them, even more that this time it’s not going to be in the US. For the majority of the boys, this plan was met with excitement and curiosity. New places, new experiences and most importantly new food. Only Seonghwa met this idea with hesitance. Something about it didn’t sit right with him but did he really have a say in this? San noted his uneasiness at the news. “Hyung, is everything okay?” He asked in the midst of excited murmuring around them. The older’s eyes gaze over the other members and he found it better to keep his peace so he nods. 

“Yeah, I’m alright. Once we get back to our dorm we need to start packing.” He returned. “Also, don’t get lazy packing this time please? The last time you did, you forgot your toothbrush and toothpaste at home and we were already in America.” This was met with a small whine from the younger. 

“Okay okay! I’ll get started on it tonight.” San doesn’t press on his hyung’s discomfort. One way or another he does come clean about it. It was better to wait, he supposed. 

-------

Fast forward to a week later. They’re now in Spain. They’ve been assigned into their rooms. Instead of having Hongjoong or Yeosang as his roommate this time, it was San. Not that he didn’t mind it but it was a nice change, even if the younger teases him to no end. Since it’s their first day and everyone’s still clearly jet-lagged, their staff let the boys free for the first two days to get used to the change. 

The first day was quiet, as quiet as it can be with eight boys in a new city. Most of the time was spent getting their body clocks to fall in sync with the city’s life. Some of them went out on their own with some of their staff, exploring the shops. Others went and explored the restaurants, wondering where to eat for their next meal. Seonghwa opted to go and quiet down in a coffee shop, the spacious and antique interiors are complete opposite to the ones he knows back home. It’s a rare occurrence too to have San accompany him into a coffee shop, knowing him he usually opted to go around and buy clothes or trinkets to remember the trip. 

“Coffee? I thought you didn’t like coffee.” 

“I don’t like Americanos, San. My coffee’s just the usual mocha.” The older reasons with a pout. The younger giggling softly at the sight. 

“Alright, alright. I’ll just get the Americano and we can just split the strawberry cake you’ve been eyeing since we arrived.” 

The rest of their stay in the shop goes by smoothly, his mind distracted by the food in front of him and San excitedly gushing over the planning of their next album. “I wonder what Eden-hyung and Hongjoong-hyung have. I mean we know what this next one’s supposed to mean but song wise and choreo wise? Ugh, Hyung, I want to get back on stage soon.” San confesses and it makes Seonghwa wonder if his energy was from his itch to perform or from the coffee. Instead of saying anything, Seonghwa nods in empathy. He misses the stage too and he hopes that they’d be able to get back on it soon. 

It’s when the others found a quaint restaurant a few blocks away from their hotel that they realize that dinner was rolling in soon for them. San notices the message and the time. “Should we get going?” He asks, as he finishes the last of his coffee. Their cake long gone. 

The older male nods his head as he takes a few sips of his water. “Let’s go. We don’t know how long it would take the others to get back and knowing Wooyoung and Yeosang, those two get distracted along the way easily.” 

------

Seonghwa’s sleep for the night wasn’t terrifying but it wasn’t peaceful either. Every few hours he’d wake up disoriented, the images in his dreams nonsensical but at least he didn’t have any bout of sleep paralysis. It only takes a few minutes for him to get back to sleep but every time he does, he sees weird things. 

Colorful flames dance in front of his eyes, feathers of various birds falling into the flame, some unharmed, some turning into a crisp. It’s the first time he’s seen a flame so intensely blue that leaves some of the feathers safe from the damaging heat. He swears he could hear someone call his name somewhere, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the damaged feathers, too entranced by how it burns red, ashes of what was falling from the body until all that was left was a charred crisp of ashes. His name continues to be called, it’s when he feels a jolt that he’s pulled back into the waking world.  

“Seonghwa-hyung!” 

His eyes shoot open, immediately shutting them again from the glare of the morning sun. 

“Hyung, it’s 8AM. The breakfast is open for two more hours only.” San says as he fixes himself infront of the mirror. 

His hand roams across the expanse of his bed until he finds his phone. 7:45 AM. “Dammit, San. It’s only fifteen minutes before eight... “ He lies back in bed, rubbing his eyes as he tries to remember what he had just seen minutes before. “Wait, you’re awake before I am.”

San looks back at his hyung, hand on his hip. Mingi’s been rubbing off on him. “Glad you noticed! Mingi kept calling my phone to wake me up. We’re going around the city today while Hongjoong-hyung, Jongho and Eden-hyung finalize the guides.” 

A whine nearly slips from his lips, wanting to rather sleep in and do nothing all day. Another side of him reminds him that it was rare to get such an opportunity to just live and so he thinks. When he reaches for the phone, San asks what he’s doing. 

“Room service. By the time I finish showering, the food’s going to be here.” 

San stares at him for a few moments before groaning and throwing himself on the bed.

“Why didn’t I think of that… I could’ve gotten a few more minutes of sleep…”

-----

It was Yunho’s suggestion that they look around the city, see the history and the like. Considering that their leader, their maknae and Eden were in the studio, not too far from the hotel, it results in Seonghwa and Yunho being the heads of the group along with one manager as the rest of them sightsee.

“There’s this really cool park we saw yesterday but we didn’t get to go inside. There’s so many pretty stuff in there too!” Yunho explains, already looking at their map and leading the rest of the group. 

------

They arrive just outside the park. One that seems to be well known for having locals and tourists flock to for the history and scenery. Some of the boys try to read the name of where they were but San was the closest to the actual pronunciation. A quick translation: The Park of Pleasant Retreat. Seonghwa could see why from where they stood. People lounged around the greenery, taking in the warmth of the sun as they mingled with their loved ones. If Seonghwa squints a bit, he could even see a few people playing music under the shaded refuge of the trees. There even seems to be a body of water where people rowed small boats around, some lingering by the steps aged by natural forces and people who have come before them. 

The boys have already learned that if they act like they should be hidden, they’ll be noticed by the public. It’s because of Wooyoung that they decide to go and explore through this path. A part of him thinks back to Jongho who would’ve loved to see this place and take photos. Even if Seonghwa didn’t know the history that this park holds down to the details, he knew that it seems to hold a large piece of the country’s history judging by the architecture. Grandiose pillars, crowned at the top with designs that curled inwards, though the temple-like pathway looks pristine, it has definitely been colored and worn through time. His eyes take in the scenery, occasionally stopping to take a few photos. It was a good change of scenery he thought, away from the chaos of his daily life, everything felt serene and calming. He could see why people flock to this park. He notices that his members had slowed to a stop and their manager was about to get in between them and the stranger that has made their presence known to them. 

She looks like a local judging by her clothes and how she just seemed in her element. Seonghwa’s eyes study her features from where he stands: high cheekbones, pink lips that were adorned by a dainty cupid’s bow. Her almond shaped eyes were revealed after she rests her shades atop her head. Her skin, unblemished and unmarked, tanned by constant hours under the sun. She carries herself with so much poise, the male would’ve thought she was some sort of local celebrity. It was when she started to speak in Korean that they somewhat relaxed. “Hey, I’m just a local, I promise. My name’s Kayla. You guys just seemed like you would prefer getting the rundown of what this place is.” She explains as she brings out an ID to show to their manager and to the rest of them. “Also, I work as a local tour guide in my free time so…” She trails off with a shrug. The boys look to each other and under their breath they ask. 

“Should we?” Yunho mumbles as he eyes everyone.

“I mean we only have this day…” Yeosang points out, brushing through his hair that's starting to become a nuisance to his eyes.

“If she’s shady, we can just make an excuse and go.” Wooyoung adds.

“So yes?” 

They looked at each other one more time and figured: nothing to lose. They turn to their manager who has told them of their rules since Day 1: Don’t do anything stupid. To everyone, it wasn’t. To San and Seonghwa, it was bordering on stupid. 

So the rest of the boys agree, the minority: San and Seonghwa just letting them be and trailing behind the group. 

“Hyung, are you okay?” 

Seonghwa doesn’t register the younger’s question. Since the group was so busy discussing the opportunity, the male had been stuck in his thoughts. Those features were familiar but he couldn’t put a finger on it. Did he see her online somewhere? Hell, who was she even? It was impossible for him to have seen her in his dreams, he barely remembers what he dreams about nowadays. He should’ve taken a peek at the ID when he had the chance earlier. 

“Hyung.” San calls out again, bumping his elbow to the older and this brings him out of his reverie. 

“Huh? Yeah, sorry what? I was spacing out again, I think.” 

This time San lets out an exasperated sigh, much similar to the ones Seonghwa lets out when they act up. “I’m worried. You’ve been on edge since you heard we were going to come here for work.” He was right. The days leading up to this trip, he hasn’t been calm. His nights consisted of tossing and turning as he tries to get some peace. If none of those movements bring him that rest, he ends up doing the same home workout routines he sees San do until he feels exhaustion and considering that he’s an idol, it takes a long while until his body gives in to the comfort of his bed. So the older one lets out a soft groan, making sure no one hears it. 

“I don’t know. Something just doesn’t feel right.” He mumbles, opting to use dialect just to make sure she didn’t understand. How sure was he even that she wouldn’t understand him? “I had a nightmare… a few weeks or months prior to this and it’s just really weird.” He continues as the walk through the wide paths. For a moment, everyone gets distracted by a couple walking dogs they’ve never seen before. While he smiles at the sight of his members finding glee in the furry companions, he catches sight of the couple’s eyes and his blood runs cold: icy blue. It’s not like the eyes he had seen in his nightmare but these two carry a weight that made him think: it was better to stay in his side. He looks away immediately and opts to fix his attention to what the woman explains. 

“This park’s been known for their architecture. This park was commissioned roughly in the 1630s, constantly being expanded and improved upon by the Spanish monarchy. It was open to the public by the second half of 1800s and what you see people doing today, it was the same back then. I guess you can say not much has changed since then. Countless monuments and buildings have been made here over the centuries which you can see by the change in architectural and artistic design.” She explains. She gestures to a glass structure some meters ahead of them. “That over there was used as a winter garden for flowers that weren’t usually found in Spain, nowadays it’s for exhibitions and the like. Insanely pretty isn’t it?” She muses as some of the boys take a few shots as they get closer. A few moments of silence pass over them until she speaks up again. “Actually, there’s this monument I’d like you boys to see. No other place in the world has something like this. By any chance, is any of you easily scared?” 

That prompts the boys to gesture at Mingi, which he accepts with grace. “I’m not good with scary.” He explains with a bashful grin. He takes this cue to hold onto their manager, thus earning him a soft chuckle from the woman. As she sweeps her gaze across all of them, lingering for a moment or two at one particular man, she smiles. “I assure you that this isn’t too scary but it might be a little unnerving.” With a turn of heel, she leads them through another path, slowing down as they are greeted by a tall monument. 

At the foot of the monument are eight faces of beings no one can quite tell spouting out water from its respective orifices. The beings, so ambiguous, so odd it’s hard to look away from were unnerving upon a closer look. Seonghwa looked up at the top of the monument and he immediately knew: they needed to leave. At the top of the monument rests a statue, twisted in turmoil as he falls backwards. The fall clearly did not look like something the subject wished. The wings of the statue are somehow still outstretched, in a feeble attempt to protect the owner from further pain. While he couldn’t see the statue’s details closely, he could note that there were things that wrapped around its wrist and ankle. He could only guess that those were snakes or reptiles that looked just like the ones at the foot of the monument. 

“Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce to you the Fountain of the Fallen Angel.” She starts as she gestures to the anguished being on top. “It’s rather an oddly proud moment for us to be the only ones with a public monument dedicated to the Fallen Angel-- as far as I know that is. To start, this was inspired by John Milton’s book Paradise Lost. Nothing has been definite as to whether or not this fallen angel is Lucifer the Morningstar himself, falling from grace or just any other angel that has fallen but some do like to believe it is the Lucifer being depicted up there.” 

At the mention of the word star, Wooyoung teases Seonghwa. “Heh, don’t you call yourself a star too?” 

Yeosang raises his hand, just like an obedient boy in class. “Wait, why did he fall?” 

Before she could answer, San beats her to it. “Because of his pride isn’t it? That guy up there wanted to be as great as God and tried to make other angels rebel with him.” 

This pleases her. The way her lips curve into one of pride has Seonghwa’s skin crawl with discomfort. “That’s correct. Did you also know that this statue stands 666 feet above sea level?” She asks, only to further explain the math of where they stand, how tall the pillar this monument stands on, and how tall the statue is. It was a reasonable guess and considering what the statue was, the connection just seemed right. 

“On our eye level,” she continues. “We see eight different types of demons and other symbolisms related to the Bible.” she gestures to the eight different phases at the bottom. “This statue has seen a lot of things throughout history that if you have perfect eyesight, you can actually see some bullet holes on the body and wings. Those being remnants of the wars this land has experienced.” 

Everything about the statue made Seonghwa want to run, run far away from this place and head back home. The adrenaline starts to make his head pound, that he holds onto San’s forearm. 

“Hyung, are you-” 

“I’m fine. I just got lightheaded.” He mutters as he breathes in through his nose and out his mouth. The air didn’t seem as cooling as it did earlier anymore. No one takes pictures of this monument, the history surrounding it and the context behind the figure makes it too unsettling for any of them to hold a little piece of memory. 

As they walk away from that work of art, Wooyoung asks her. “Miss, are you religious? I hope I don’t come off as rude..” he mumbles a little embarrassed. 

“Dear, what makes you think of such?” 

“You just seemed like you knew a lot about that statue and its context…” 

So she hums in thoughts. “Your friend earlier, the one that answered your friend’s question. Is he also religious?” 

“He used to be.” 

“A wise decision.” She nods. “To answer your question, is being knowledgeable in one belief equivalent to being religious?”

Seonghwa wishes he didn’t hear that.

Wooyoung purses his lips, “I suppose not.. To be honest, you sounded like you believed in the stories.” 

Oh how Seonghwa wishes he could tell Yunho to make Wooyoung shut up. 

“Now tell me dear, Why should I believe in beings I have not seen in their flesh? The farthest we have seen of these beings are through art and the stories passed onto us.” 

It unnerves San how she talks in such riddles all of a sudden. 

Seonghwa’s phone rings all of a sudden and he has never felt more relief when he finds out it was Hongjoong. Everyone’s phones seem to ring at the same time. A group chat message. 

Yunho’s the first to read the message and his face falls for a moment only for an apologetic smile to quickly replace his pout. He turns to the lady, as he keeps his phone. “We’re really sorry but we have to go. Work’s calling for us.” He explains simply. 

“Oh? You guys are already working? But you look so young..” She notes, her eyes studying each of their features closely. 

“It’s okay we like what we’re doing anyways.” San says in return, his arm around Seonghwa was the only thing keeping the male steady as he tries his best to appear nonchalant. 

The lady’s bottom lip juts out at the abrupt ending to the tour. “Mhm, I suppose that’s more important isn’t it? Happiness.” No one knows if she’s talking to them or to herself so they take the cue to bid her goodbye. “Very well! I hope to see you boys soon, good luck with your work.” She gestures at the direction they came from just so they don’t get lost along the way. 

It’s only when they arrive at the same place where they started earlier that Seonghwa speaks up. “Let’s just make our way to the hotel then head to Hongjoong.” 

The guides were finished and all that was left was for them to record the songs.

-------

For the next few days of their stay, all they’ve done is practice and record the songs until Hongjoong and Eden were satisfied with the quality. Even with the troubles of the new equipment that came along the way, it was a relief to everyone to have finally finished the songs. All that was left was to decide on when the shooting and promotions will be. Seonghwa pats their leader’s back lightly. “You did well, Hongjoong.” He mumbles, throat a little worn from having pushed himself to reach a few notes that weren’t in his usual range. Hongjoong on the other hand hums in response. There was only so much he could do with what they have but if time allows, he would definitely ask for them to re-do some of their lines, maybe not here but back home. 

Eden tells everyone to call it a night after such a tiring and intense week, even forcing Hongjoong to not touch his music software for the night. Even with those words, they know better: Hongjoong would stop when he’s done solidifying all the ideas in his head. 

------

The entire week of recording and practicing had made Seonghwa forget about their tour guide and his sleep problems. The past few nights just being pure dreamless sleep, that or he forgets what his dreams were within the first few seconds of waking consciousness. Now that the week is over, he still hopes he could get the same dreamless sleep that wasn’t plagued by the stress of his work.

His eyes were closed by the time he throws his body onto his bed. 

He doesn’t feel the heavy weight on his chest this time, but he still can’t get his body to move. He hoped it wasn’t the same being that visits him now, he wasn’t sure if he should hope for a different being either. While on his side, he looks around, San’s sleeping body just a few feet away from him. It’s only when he looks by the door that he notices the being. Human looking just like the first one but with an air that carries pain masked by regality. 

“How has your stay been in our humble abode, Sir?” He asks, tone gravelly, as if his throat has been abused by cigars, alcohol and more. Seonghwa could barely make out the rest of his features from where he lays. He wants to answer but he doubts his own throat could do the same effort as the being that leans against the wall. “Oh don’t worry, you can speak around me. I suppose my sister had been rough on you the first few visits?” The stranger adds. He steps further into their room. Though spotless, the bottles of soda and packs of instant noodles are enough to tell him that these boys were not too far into their adulthood. 

At his words, Seonghwa opens his mouth. “How did you get into our room?” He mumbles, there’s still a restriction in his throat but better than the first time. Did all of whatever they are have the same sort of power? 

“Oh please, the sleep paralysis thing we do isn’t everyone’s. Just my family’s.” The unnamed male returns, reading Seonghwa’s mind. “Call me El, I’m sure you’ve met my sister, Kea. My bloodline is besides the point, I’ve come to visit to see how my people have treated you and your hm, group?” 

People? Seonghwa looks at the man once more, unsure of what he means, and fears if he were to explain any further. 

“What the fuck?”

Seonghwa’s eyes dart to his roommate, already sitting up on his bed. At his words, El looks at him and with a shit eating grin, he manages to stride across their room and out the window. A grandeur exit. While Seonghwa wasn’t able to see the male unfurl his wings, if he was indeed telling the truth, he wouldn’t be surprised if his wings looked anything like his aforementioned sister.

He regains the feeling and control in his body and sits up from his bed, San already contacting someone about what had happened. “So you saw what I saw?” Seonghwa asks, as San tries to contact someone in his phone. 

San uncharacteristically shushes the older once the recipient of the call picks up. “They’re here. One of them visited our room and talked to Seonghwa.” A few more minutes pass and San hangs up. “Hyung, I’ll explain later but we need to get everyone to wake up and head to the studio. Go get ready, I’ll wake up the others.” It’s rare to see San so steely and dark. Besides him, San was the next scariest person when angry so he does as he’s told. He kicks off the sheets and gets his clothes ready for what could be a long day. 

---------

“We need to go back.” Eden says, as he finally saves all their work into the hard drive. 

This shocks everyone, at least those who haven’t known what happened. Those being anyone that wasn’t Seonghwa and San. 

“We just got here, what’s wrong?” Yunho asks, sitting up from his spot on the couch. Hongjoong already had an idea of what was going on thanks to Eden, if his dark look is anything to go by. No other words were shared by the rest of the boys, but upon seeing Seonghwa, San and Hongjoong pack up their things from the studio without a word, they figured something was up. Hongjoong shoots them a look that tells them to start moving, any explanations will be done when they’re on the way back. 

They move back into the van, and even then nothing has been said. The air is stiff with tension, worry and confusion. Seonghwa’s face was unmoving but the lines of fear appear on his features. He looks out of the window, watching aged buildings blur past them. He wonders if any of these buildings house these odd beings as well. They might have, just not in the buildings he supposes. Wooyoung’s persistent nature of wanting to know what’s happening nearly has Hongjoong snap at the younger. It’s not until San places his hand on the leader’s shoulder that tells him to cut them slack. They don’t know, not yet at least. Seonghwa glances at the two share a conversation with loaded gazes. “Quit it, all of you. Once everything quiets down, I’ll explain.” he mumbles as he rubs his forehead, a weak attempt to smoothen out the stress that hasn’t left him since they’ve stepped foot into this country. 

It’s rare to have Seonghwa speak up like that. It’s all it takes for everyone to behave. 

They arrive in their hotel and immediately make their way to their respective rooms. San and Seonghwa speed to their room, packing everything they’ve brought out from their luggages and back inside. It only takes three hours, considering that they haven’t stayed too long in the country yet, to get everything back in. 

The older male is too busy in his head, making sure he hasn’t forgotten anything: passport, charger, wallet, among other valuables. It’s when San calls his name and tosses him his hat that he remembers that he’s going to need to keep his sight limited to what’s directly in front of him to keep him from losing his sanity. “We’ll get back safely.” San promises him. His luggage was already strapped and ready, much like his. It’s only then that he releases the breath he’s been holding since they were in the studio. 

“I hope so. I don’t think I can bear to see any of you in danger just because of me.” He says under his breath. They take one final look around their room and seeing that everything’s clean, they make their way out. The pair’s greeted by the other members already making their way towards the elevator. While the others only have hats or sunglasses covering their features, Seonghwa had to take both for safety. 

Eden was already at the reception, waiting for everyone. He looks at his phone, counting the hours from where they are to the airport, alone with their flight back. He needs to explain to Seonghwa especially what’s been happening to him. But to that, he wants to make sure there are no ears on the walls. The producer’s greeted by everyone and he already nods towards the doors. “Our rides are already waiting for us outside.”

“Rides?” Seonghwa repeats, the idea of splitting up didn’t feel right but at this point he wasn’t sure if these feelings are of paranoia or gut.

Eden glances over at the covered boy and a bit of his heart twists, he could only imagine the stress this boy was going through and being separated from the rest of his members probably was making it worse for him. “We’re too many plus our luggage but I made sure we’re with people we can trust so let’s go.” He doesn’t expound anymore as he strides out. 

The ride to the airport is quiet, and it’s the one of the rare times Seonghwa’s sleep was peaceful. His body slouched over, leaning against the younger. Throughout the entire stay in Spain, San hasn’t left the eldest’s side and it’s from there that the others figured that San knew something they didn’t know. 

Hongjoong’s the first one to speak up. “San-ah. What’s been happening?” His voice quiet to make sure he doesn’t disrupt his sleep. He should’ve noticed the bags under his eyes since they arrived. The younger looks over at the exhausted member and tries to find the right words at least for this moment. 

“There’s been something that’s been bothering him. It only got worse when we came here. We’ll explain when we’re back in Korea.” Who knew being knowledgeable in all those religious stories would be useful to him? 

The rest of the ride is quiet but no one else falls asleep. San gently rouses him awake. “Wake up, we’re here.” The older one groans at how his peace has slipped away and he’s greeted by the sight of his members jumping out of the car, to be greeted by their managers and staff who also had their luggages. San couldn’t help but chuckle softly as the other curses in discomfort as he stumbles out, rubbing the sleep off his eyes. 

It doesn’t take long until everyone’s by the boarding gate. Everything feels like a blur to Seonghwa. The nap in the car made him realize just how his body ached for some peace. As they fall into lines to get into the airplane, Seonghwa leans against the back of his manager, resting his forehead against his back. He craves for sleep, for an escape from all of this and to be frank, he doubted he’d be able to escape this hell he’s in. 

By the time he’s in his designated seat in the aircraft, he’s knocked out once more. He only manages to wake up when the stewardesses serve their meals. He doesn’t even bother with the fact all of them are in business class. He’s sandwiched by San and their manager and while he can probably talk about what’s been bothering him, he doesn’t trust anyone else. While his thoughts run amok, his eyelids feel heavy. His physical body needed rest but his mind wouldn’t let up, with a disgruntled huff he puts in one earphone, letting music be a distraction from his paranoia. It’s clockwork for the entire flight, sleep, eat, worry, sleep, repeat, until they land back in their motherland. 

It was a miracle nothing had happened during the flight. Seonghwa doubts he’d be able to forgive himself if anyone became a victim to his misery. The ride back home was quiet as well, no one expected their sudden return after the chaotic entrance into the airport a few days back. 

By the time they arrive at their agency, it was mid-day. Everyone feels the exhaustion slowly steep into their bodies but their need to understand what’s going on somehow keeps them awake. 

The eight boys file into the conference room, Eden following them into the room shortly after. “I’ll make this quick and bearable since you boys need to catch up on rest for the time being.” He starts. The producer’s eyes studies each boy, and can’t find it in himself to put them through another hectic meeting, not now at least. “Seonghwa’s been considered a hot topic among the fallen angels which I assume is what has been disturbing his sleep for who knows how long.” All eyes were on him now as he sighs. 

“San explained bits and pieces to me before I told all of you to pack up.” He doesn’t go into detail unless someone asks, out of pity over their exhausted conditions. “Simply put, someone, i’m presuming one of the fallen in Spain ended up finding out we were there too.” Eight pairs of eyes gaze at him, most of which were heavy in need of rest, one had fear and confusion mixed in their gaze, but everyone carried the question of ‘Why?’. So he sighs, “I wish I knew why but for now, I need all of you to be careful and keep an eye on each other.” He hands Seonghwa a gold necklace with a pendant that seemed to depict a holy figure, judging by the round band over their head. “You guys need to get rest first. Seonghwa, while I’m not sure of what we’re dealing with exactly, just wear that first for protection.” 

“Since when were you religious?” Seonghwa asks, as he studies the pendants. As far as he remembers, the producer was far from a man of faith.

“I’m not but because we’re dealing with fallen angels, we might as well make sure we’re on equal ground.” The adult reasons with a shake of his head. 

This cues him to look at the male, keeping the necklace in his pocket. “You know they exist but you don’t believe in them?” 

“Seonghwa, I know there’s a more powerful being above all of us. Even them, but I don’t know if they are really the God that they talk about.” 

There’s too many questions but Seonghwa shakes his head free of them. “We’ll get going, get some rest too, Hyung.” He reminds as he opens the door, letting everyone out first before him. 

-------

The feeling of being home doesn’t bring him as much comfort as it should and he’s not sure of how to process that. He didn’t want to sleep yet, even if he’s exhausted from the trip and stress, so he lets the other members wash up first before he does. As he waits, his fingers fiddle with the golden chain of his new necklace. He’s back trapped in his own thoughts with no answers to his questions. When he feels like he’s got some sort of direction, it splits into several directions trapping him in a web of ideas that make no sense. 

Mingi’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts, telling him that everyone else was finished. 

The hot water manages to calm him down even for a bit. The water beating against his back and shoulders softening all the knots that have formed over the past few months. Once he’s finished cleaning himself up, he finds himself able to breathe a little better with the loose clothing of his sleepwear. 

When he feels his body land against the worn comforter, he blacks out. The necklace laid underneath his pillow just for safekeeping. It’s worth a shot even if he doesn’t believe. 

When he opens his eyes, he feels the same weight again on his body. He’s gone past the point of scared, he’s tired. He just wants sleep, peace, a clear head to juggle his work and his personal life. He knows what’s next. Another of those fallen angels is somewhere in his room. His eyes dart from various points of the room, looking for the presence. 

There she is.

The same being from the first time. The same lady, only she looks like she finally knows what she was looking for. 

Once Seonghwa gets a better look, he realizes it’s the same lady when they were in Spain. Even in his inability to move, he wants to lunge and fight her. While he isn’t one to raise his hand on anyone, he was willing to throw that rule of his to the wind just to deal with her. Alas, he’s constricted to the bed. 

“How was your stay in Spain, dear Seonghwa?” she muses, knowing full well that he won’t be able to answer. “I see that you have people around you that know of what’s been happening.” she continues as she saunters to the unmoving male. 

He despises how his body feels so numb. 

“Who knew that what we would be looking for wasn’t an object?” Seonghwa stares at her, anger burning in his orbs. Not like he knew what she was on about, he didn’t even know how they existed or how they live. He feels her pointed nail drag across his skin, just below his neck. “You’d be useful to us, sweetheart.” Her voice felt like it was laced with honey, tempting him to submit to her. “Do you want fame, my star?” The endearment makes his skin crawl. “You’re a well known artist aren’t you? Wouldn’t you want the immortality of your name? I can guarantee that as well.” her nails dig into his skin as she speaks. “Or would you rather build an immense following? That’s something we can do for you too.” 

We? 

She stands up, smiling upon him. “Oh of course, you can’t speak.” She grabs his face, handling him roughly as she makes him look at him. “Dear, I know you’re powerless under my presence so I’ll offer you this until we meet again. Everything you want is yours, just as long as you submit to us.” Her nails dig into his skin once more and this time it’s starting to hurt. Her free hand trails down his back. “You won’t need the wings you’ve seen, you’ll have the throne right next to our leader.” With others, she leaves her mark, to prove that her visitation was no mere dream but a reality. That her words and promises were true to their ears, and that they’ve sworn an oath. As she was about to leave three parallel lines down his back, she feels her back burn. 

The same burn that she felt when she fell. 

So she lets out a pained shriek, letting go of the unmoving male and he lands back on his comforter like a discarded toy. He stares at her, questioning what had just happened. 

He sees what causes her pain. 

The feathers on her wings are singed. The feathers were slowly burning to a crisp until it reached the main body of her wings. The part of her wings that are closest to her skin are raw. As if someone had decided to peel off the top layer of skin in a swift manner. Her skin looked terrible, none of the horror films his members watch prepared him for such a scene. He doubted any film maker could come up with something so graphic and merciless. This is something beyond human comprehension. 

The painful screams are so raw, so real, it sends chills down his bones. While he’s aware of how capable the throat is in creating sounds that thrust the listener into the deepest emotions, the screams carried years, if not centuries, of pain and anger.  

Of all things that made him believe that there was something stronger out there, it was a fallen writhing in indescribable pain in front of his numb body. He didn’t know how she’s able to still stand, how she’s still conscious but all those are discarded when he meets her eyes.

It’s how she shoots icy daggers at him that makes him feel some sort of fear. 

Primal fear. 

“Just as powerful as the first bearer’s.” she hisses through pained sobs. That’s when he realizes she was indeed crying. Instead of transparent water that humans produce, her tears looked thicker, darker. 

It looked like blood. 

The two of them hear someone banging on his door, trying to budge it open. The lady-- the fallen takes her cue to escape. 

“Mark my words, Star. We will find a way, know that your peace is temporary.” With that, she slips through the same window. 

Somehow, Seonghwa believes those words. He worries how short lived his peace will be. 

As she leaves, he regains control of his body. San and Hongjoong manage to barge into the room, greeted by the sight of a pale Seonghwa. 

“What happened? We heard loud noises.” Hongjoong asks, then he spots the open window. “San, tell Eden we need to get this place reinforced.” The leader orders, as he shuts the window and locks it. 

The eldest sits up from his bed and for the first time in the months of disturbed sleep, paranoia and confusion, he weeps. He weeps the pressure and pain he’s kept to himself over the past few months. The two couldn’t do anything, too surprised to see him break down all of a sudden. The anger has ebbed away and given away for him to feel the other emotions that he has suppressed. 

No one knows how long it takes until Seonghwa manages to speak up. The other boys have woken up by the time he regains a bit of his composure. “The tour guide we had back in Spain, she’s one of them. The one who made me go for nights without sleep and anxiety.” He mumbles. He then recounts the first meeting, Hongjoong who was there but unaware wonders how they’re able to keep themselves from the eyes of others. The same question that Seonghwa poses for all of them. The way she manages to appear wherever she pleases, how he goes through sleep paralysis when she’s in the room as he sleeps. He tells them of her attempt to mark him, maybe as a warning to those who were in close proximity of him but just as he was about to feel the pain, she backs away, body twisting in pain. 

It’s San’s turn to pale at his recounting. “I’m going to ask if my dad’s free. I’m not letting him drive here but a call with Eden-hyung would do soon.” He brings out his phone again, already typing up a message for his father. 

“What for?” As far as everyone knew, his dad was just a pastor. 

“Besides Eden-hyung, he knows what we’re dealing with. I think he might know what got her acting like that too.” San explains, waiting for the small number 1 to disappear from his message.

“Do you know?” Seonghwa stares at San. Following that logic, he does know his fair share of religious practices and the like. 

“I think you got a mark. The name slips from my mind but it’s a strong mark and if I remember anything else, these fallen have a plan that they’ve been dealing with since their fall..” San trails off, keeping his phone for now, keeping his eyes trained on him. 

“What does that even have to do with me?” He knows he’s got some sort of connection but the details are nonexistent in his mind. 

“Hyung, I’m starting to think you’re going to be a vital piece to the safety of this world.”

[chappedandfadedvds]

Dec 26th, Saturday 15:45

„We should be almost there.“ 

They all followed Senne up the trail, sneaking up the mountain between through the dense pine forest. The trees grazing their sides, as the branches creaked under the heavy weight of icy snow. The wind an ever present companion today fortuantely wasn’t as freezing as it had been last week.

It still didn’t meant that it wasn’t cold. Minus two degrees to be exact, and it got colder the higher they got.

They all wore these thick skiing and woolen gloves, which made it quite the task to hold hands. Lucas and him tried nonetheless, loosing grip every other moment, it sort of turned into a game halfway on their hiking trip. A very dumb silly one, where whoever let go first lost. It didn’t even mean anything. There were no consequences. It still mad them smirk victorious at the other who’S hand slipped away.

The younger boy’s cheeks were red from the cold. He looked absoutely adorable in his coat and hat.

They let go though when the forest open up to the cliff they were heading for.

Jens hadn’t yet reached the treeline leading to the rocky end of the trail, when he watched Lucas sprinting ahead behind Sander and Robbe. All of them busy to take off their gloces as the reached the spot Senne told them about. 

„This is awesome.“ Lucas exclaimed brightly, turning his face towards Senne who nodded proud with his succsessful surprise. He hadn’t told the group where they were going exactly, instead just to trust him.

Aaron and Moyo were daring each other to get closer to the edge, while being screamed at by Amber to not be stupid and step back. The two boys only laughing, but quickly trying to calm her down, when the girl definitely got a little to scared.

Jana, Milan and Zoë took at least a dozen of selfies with each other infrot of the picturesque view that wasn’t being done enough justice as it was probably mainly covered up by their faces smiling up at the phone. 

His eyes fell back onto the three boys at the centre of the clearing. Sander taking a rather risky position on a large rock at it’s edge, while Robbe checked his camera to get ready and take photographs. He did that more and more. Jens remembered Robbe telling his mom to apply to study filmmaking and he really got to see why, as he watched his best friend directing Sander onto the right spot to take the picture.

Lucas stood just a little to the side, too busy with his own camera. He had told Jens before that he hadn’t been to the alps or larger mountain areas in generel and that he was so excited to go and explore the scenery. Even more did he look forward to take photos. It also made Jens wonder if his boyfriend also would want to study something creative. They hadn’t actually talked about it.

Jeny still stood next to the large pine tree at a bit of distance, only Yasmina at his side, when he watched his friends enjoying themselves. They didn’t talk, but they had glanced over, smiling at the same time when their eyes met. He never really had spent time with this girl. There always had been someone else around. He wasn’t even sure what to say if they would start a conversation. Actually he didn’t even know her that well at all. Odd to think about, when they knew each other for two years. Perhaps he should try to change that. She was a clever and kind girl, right? 

He was about to ask her how she was, when Luca pulled the laughing girl off to join the girl group for more selfies. So she just shrugged, smiling back at him, as he himself decided to probably get closer.

And it honestly was worth it, Jens thought as he walked up to Lucas. The younger boy too focused on his task to capture the beauty, that Jens was sure would never be matched to this moment standing at the edge for the first time.

 It couldn’t possibly recreate the depth of the mountain range opening up infront of them, devided by the steep and narrow carved valley to the cliff’s foot. The clouds above their heads were merely a blanket covering the sky into endless white. They almost spoiled the view, hanging low enough to hide the tips of the mountains in the distance. Barely allowed to see the opposite side of the valley, when it almost looked like fog hugging the valley and it’s large green pine trees, who grew undisturbed by the wind freeing them of snow.

It took his breath away as he stepped closer, able to watch the rock giving away to nothing but air until one would reach the ground a hundret meters down. It got his blood pumping, close to the feeling he got as he stood on the highest level of a half pipe, on the brink to drop. How much he missed the adrenaline taking over his senses. Now he felt a bit dizzy, as much as he was fascinated by the depth opening up. Enough to be a bit afraid of leaning further and loosing balance, so he quickly reminded himself to gat away. 

„For a second I thought you wanted to go flying.“ Robbe joked, grinning at him from behind his camera, obviously having taken at least one picture of Jens staring over the edge. But his eyes were too quick to find Lucas watching him with a frown, so he kept his laugh and reply to remain on the tip of his tounge. He walked up instead to Lucas to hug him, with his arms sneaking around his middle.

„Something’s wrong?“

„No. It’s fine. Just a dumb thought.“ His boyfriend was quick to assure him of that with a smile on his lips as he shook his head. Jens didn’t quite believe him, but had nothing else to base his hunch on other than the expression Lucas had given him for the briefest moment.

„Can you do that again? I fucked up the exposure.“ Robbe sighed, apparently oblivious to the situation. Instead his best friend was instantly back to look cheery at the photo he had taken a minute ago, now presented to Sander, who definitely saw the appeal in there somewhere. Jens wouldn’t know, he hadn’t checked it out yet.

„Sure?“ Jens asked, his gaze transfixed on Lucas’s blue eyes staring back at him. He wouldn’t do it, if his boyfriend wasn’t comfortable with it. Even though, he didn’t know why. He was feeling great right now. He loved the view and the possibility to share this with his friends. Somehwere in the background he heard Milan laughing, screaming to be let down, when Moyo only encouraged Senne to lift him higher.

„It’s fine, Jens. Have fun.“

Even though Lucas kissed him and kept his smile, when he let go of their embrace, the frown was still present in Jens’s mind. He tried to shake it of as best as he could, and it did work, when he was back to let Robbe take the photo he was so keen on to get. His best friend grinning when he managed to capture it. 

„We fucking got it. It looks insane! Come watch!“

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

[motleycrueroadie]

Along for the Ride (pt.5)

Author’s Note: Thank you to anyone that is reading this! I apologize if the pace of this is slow, now that I have my character established I’ll be moving through the scenes. This is Mick’s audition and the next one will include meeting Vince and so on!

Previous Chapters: One I Two I Three I Four

Over the course of my life, I think it’s safe to say that I have become fairly acquainted to fresh starts.

Leaving Deanna 

Moving from one end of the West Coast to the other

Changing my name to Nikki Sixx ( leaving Frank Carlton Serafina Feranna Jr. behind)

And now, leaving London for another fresh start.

 In the time that I’ve been alive, I have learned the quick and harsh lesson that you are the only person you can count on, so whether I want to have 0 or 40 fresh starts, that’s up to me. I’m not saying these are always going to work out in my favour, or that I am always going to make the right decision - quite frankly I make stupid ass decisions mostly - but I am the only person that I can truly count on. 

Do I regret leaving London? No. Do I regret the way I left them? Absolutely fucking not. However, am I feeling a little pessimistic about this band, considering that it consists of a drummer I met at a diner and some guitar player he’s dragging along? You can bet your fucking ass I am. 

Sometimes a fresh start begins with a blind shot in the dark and that is what I was doing right now. Last Friday, I met Tommy in a diner and today, the following Sunday, I’m waiting to see whether this is beginning on a good or bad note. I mean, fuck, I haven’t even heard Tommy play, he could be dog shit for all I know, but I trusted him. The kid must know his way around a set of drums, the way he was spinning those stupid fucking sticks around his fingers. 

The funny thing about quitting a band is that you have a lot more free time on your hands. Since I didn’t really have much else to do during this week, I figured I could bug Janis, and she didn’t seem to mind. Our routine remained intact. When I got off work, I waited for her to be done with her run before coming over for dinner. One of the only things that changed was how much time I spent at her place. She started letting me come over while she was in the shower, after I complained that I had nothing to do while I waited. Of course, everything Janis allowed me to do came with a price she told me. Janis explained to me the other night that because she was no “Mother Teresa” as she put it, that I would need to start earning my keep if I was going to be eating her food. We both knew she was joking, but I couldn’t let her joking go without consequence. The shades of red she blushed when I offered to do some of her chores while she showered and got dinner ready were well worth the work I put in. Janis gave me a quite modest list: water the houseplants and vacuum any dirt off the carpet that I got on the floor while I watered them. The chore itself never took me more than 20 minutes, which left enough time for me to be nosy. Somehow, Janis managed to fill every square inch of the apartment with something, all without making the place seem cluttered. She had knick-knacks and photos lining the wall and she also had this large bookcase in her living room that held all sorts of things. The radio and a cassette collection occupied the first shelf, board games on the second and on the bottom were a couple thick photo books alongside her high school yearbooks. I knew Janis was a runner from past conversations, but I had no idea she was a state champion. In fact, Janis seemed to have been the whole package in her high school days. She was a state champion runner, graduated with honors according to her diploma and had great grades but yet I didn’t see a college degree on her wall. I hadn’t brought this up yet, but I want to ask her about these books soon - she doesn’t know I’ve been through them though so I figured it could wait. 

The clock on the stove reads 3:45 when I hear a lot of noise outside my apartment. Rolling my eyes I headed towards the door, only to open it to see Tommy and his buddy Greg carrying equipment up the stairs. 

“Didn’t I tell you guys to come here at 4?” Despite the fact that it’s often polite to be early, I had told these guys to show up no earlier than 4 for our first practice because I didn’t want to disturb Janis while she slept. 

“Dude, it’s going to take me a bit to set this shit up, if we want to get started at 4 I should’ve been here earlier” Tommy grunted back intermittently, while trying to help Greg carry an amp up the stairs.Either I hadn’t made myself clear on the phone or Tommy doesn’t listen. Tommy was doing more of the heavy lifting than Greg by the looks of it, which wasn’t a good sign to me. 

“You the minivan?” I asked him, my way of offering help. He nodded to me while steering towards the door. As I went down the stairs, I glanced back up at Janis’s apartment to see if the noise had woken her up. I know it’s only 15 minutes of sleep but 15 minutes is a pretty big deal. To my surprise, she was leaning against the railing on the balcony. 

“Think you could come down here and help us out Joplin?” I call out to her, squinting up against the sun to see her in her pajamas and fuzzed out hair. 

“You boys look like you’re doing just fine!” She said, motioning with her hand for me to continue what I was doing. I hadn’t noticed Tommy walking down the stairs until he was beside me. 

“Isn’t that the waitress from the diner?” He asked me as we continued down the stairs to the minivan. 

“You tell me.” I smirked at him, knowing full well he remembered who she was. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I turned around to find her still there.

“Can we postpone dinner until after practice?” I yell up to her. 

“Only if you play Barracuda as your last song.” She replied. I furrowed my brow, confused at the request.

“Why?” Tommy was the one to reply for me. 

“I like it.” She said, and I laughed at how matter of fact she stated this. “Plus it tells me when you’re done. Food will be hot half an hour after the opening chords.” Flashing a thumbs up back at her I turned around to continue what we were doing. 

“Do we get food too?” This came from Greg. 

“No.” I quickly replied, even though I knew Janis would feed them. I just didn’t want them there. 

We started practicing around half past 4, and finished at half past 8. In the four hours that we had spent in my apartment, I had shown Tommy and Greg a couple of songs and tried to get to know them. All I had learned was that Tommy and Greg were both in a band called “Suite 19” before this and that Greg couldn’t play the way I wanted him to. At 8:25, I had told them to start playing Barracuda because I was getting hungry and my patience was wearing thin. Heading up the stairs towards Janis’s apartment, I felt relieved to know I would be in her presence for the next little bit. Before rounding the corner I could hear Janis, not the girl that lived above me, but Janis Joplin singing Me and My Bobby McGee. Pushing open the door, I reached up to catch the bell before it could ring so as to not alert Janis that I was in the apartment. She was standing at the stove, swaying back and forth while lightly singing along to the song - just faint enough that you almost couldn’t hear her if you weren’t paying attention. Leaning against the door, I tried to keep as quiet as possible just to watch her. Suddenly, she stopped swaying and I thought my cover had been blown. 

“It’s been 30 minutes, I wonder what he’s up to?” She was thinking out loud. 

“He’s waiting to see if you notice that he’s in the apartment.” She whipped around, visibly surprised. 

“Sixx!” she practically yelled, clutching a hand to her chest. I could only laugh, and the stunned look she held on her face quickly faded into a laugh. That was one of the things that I enjoyed most about Janis’s company, she was never one to dwell when she was in a bad mood. She ebbed and flowed with the mood of the conversation. “I’m surprised you could be that silent, considering all the ruckus you’ve been making for the past four hours.” Crossing her arms, she leaned against the counter top while being careful not to disturb the pan on the stove. 

“By ruckus, do you mean a bass player and a drummer that know what they’re doing while the guitar player doesn’t?” 

“I suppose so.” She turned back to the stove, turning it off and bringing the pan over to the opposite counter to pour what looked to be meat into two bowls with fixings. She caught me watching her do this and must have noticed the confused look on my face, “We’re having taco salad Nikki. You’ll like it.” Reaching into the fridge, she grabbed a bottle of dressing and drizzled it across the two bowls before handing one to me. 

“So tell me, if this guitar player -” she motioned with her hand to indicate she didn’t know his name as she reached into a drawer for utensils.

“Greg”

“If Greg isn’t what you’re looking for, then why haven’t you called that guy from the newspaper ad?”

She was referring to an ad that I had shown her from the newspaper. Someone who described themselves as a “loud, rude and aggressive guitar player” had caught my eye. They listed a phone number, but after Tommy had mentioned Greg, I hadn’t thought to give them a call. 

“Well you see, Greg is a friend of Tommy’s from his old band” I figured I would cut the story off there and she would pick up on the rest. She snickered to herself. 

“You’re telling me that the man with jet black hair and a name like ‘Nikki Sixx’ is afraid to hurt Greg and Tommy’s feelings?” She motioned a tear running down her cheek while pouting and I scoffed at her. “Does Tommy know that Greg doesn’t fit your vibe?” She questioned, returning to her food. 

“He won’t say it cause Greg is there but yeah.” I said honestly, between bites. She nodded while continuing to chew on her food. 

“I didn’t hear a whole lot of singing going on down there tonight.” She looked over  at me expectantly, though I’m not quite sure what response it is she was looking for. “So it has been a little over a week, you’ve got a drummer you like and a guitar player you’re not so sure of and zero singer….” 

“Get to your point here Janis Jade Smith.” She laughed at how I had used her full name.

“Point is, when will I be attending this show of yours?” she was smirking but trying to hide it. Flipping her off, she laughed and we continued eating with one another in a comfortable silence.

Another week had passed since Tommy and Greg had arrived at my apartment, and things were  no better. I have little patience to begin with, but I had used it all on trying to teach Greg the way I wanted him to play. Sick of listening to me complain about the man, Janis told me that if I wasn’t going to pull the trigger and call the guy from the newspaper ad then she would. Before I had the time to process what was going on, Janis had left the apartment during the middle of dinner and returned 15 minutes later only to say “Sunday. He will be here at 4:00 pm sharp. If you like him, you tell Greg to hit the road.” So today, I was standing out on the balcony with Tommy letting him know the deal with this guy coming to audition. The faint sound of a bell caught my attention, knowing it was just before 4:00 I guessed that Janis woke up early. 

“That you up there Janis?” I called out, Tommy leaned over the railing to look up at the next floor. 

“Just came out to make sure that he shows up.” Answered my question.

“Listen man, how are we going to tell Greg to leave if we like this guy?” Tommy asked me as he moved his weight between each of his legs. If there was one thing I learned about Tommy in the short time since I had met him, it was that he had enough energy for the both of us. I could only guess that he’ll be a good partner in crime once the drinks are flowing. I shrugged my shoulders while smirking at him. 

“Act like you’re serving him a shot.” I heard a snicker above me as Tommy initially looked confused but then realized what I was getting at. 

“Give it to him straight..” Tommy mumbled under his breath as we watched a red car pull up in front of the apartment building. 

“Right on time!” Janis called out from above us. “Bring whoever is still around at 6:00 up for some dinner!” Sticking out a thumb over the railing, I heard Janis go back into her apartment as Tommy went down the stairs to help out the ad man with his equipment. I liked the looks of him, he almost resembled a slightly older version of me. 

By the time 6:00 rolled around, everyone was ready for a bit of a break. The guitarist that we kept was the man I came to know as Mick Mars, and we gave Greg the news as straight as it could be. If his ability to take news is anything like his drinking skills, I would say that he prefers mixed drinks. 

“Mick, my upstairs neighbour has offered to feed us dinner. You down for a break?” I asked him, knowing that Tommy already heard the offer.

“Why is your neighbour offering to feed us? I sure hope you aren’t taking charity because I don’t”

I know this apartment looks like a dump, but I’m not a charity case. 

“Janis and I have dinner together all the time. I’m not taking charity, I’m taking a free meal from a friend who is offering.” He appeared skeptical of my explanation. Glancing between the two of them, Tommy looked impatient. 

“I’m just hungry so do you think we can go?” Tommy asked. Motioning for the door, I began to walk out and up the stairs to Janis’s apartment. The three of us were rounding the corner to the landing where Crazy Train could be heard from her slightly ajar door. Glancing over my shoulder, I could see Mick and Tommy looking almost intrigued at this. Opening the door to the apartment, the usual bell alerted Janis to our arrival and she turned around with a pan in her hand. 

“Lasagna, salad and garlic bread tonight!” She exclaimed excitedly as she placed the baking sheet on the stove top. 

“It smells good Janis!” Tommy said as he bounded towards the kitchen, as he entered Janis handed him a plate and pointed towards the oven so he could grab himself garlic bread. 

“You must be the man from the ad that I talked to on the phone the other day.” She addressed Mick, who looked to be almost confused by the whole situation. Janis walked towards him from the kitchen with her hand extended, coming in to shake Mick’s hand. He returned the gesture and shook Janis’s hand. 

“Mick Mars.” 

“Loud, rude and aggressive guitar player. It’s nice to meet you. Janis Smith.” She began walking back into the kitchen, motioning for us to follow. We were each handed a plate and utensils while being told that we could grab a slice of garlic bread. Tommy had already planted himself on the couch in the living room, making himself at home.

“Anyone want something to drink?” She asked as Mick and I made our way to the couch in the living room. I noticed that there wasn’t going to be room on the couch for Janis, so I remained standing. Coming out from her bedroom, Janis dragged out a beanbag chair and placed it in front of the coffee table. I went to sit down on the chair when I was interrupted, “Sit on the couch Sixx, that’s mine.”

“Beer?” Tommy called out.

“One for everyone?” 

A collective yes was mumbled and Janis returned with 3 beers in one hand and her plate in the other. 

“Y’all sounded much better today. It was nice to finally hear those songs played correctly after listening to that sad sap try and keep up pace for the last week.” Now that Greg was gone, I think that Janis had given up putting on a good attitude about him. 

“We will sound even better once we have a singer.” Tommy replied, which started me on my train of thought. 

“Someone along the lines of David Lee Roth and Bowie!”

“So we want a skinny blonder fucker with moves?” Mick asked and I nodded, he was on the same train of thought. Sparing a quick glance over at Janis, she was eating quietly while watching the conversation. 

“I think I know who could be our guy!” Tommy exclaimed. 

Next Chapter

[purplesurveys]

816

Gonna do a before and after of one of the first surveys I took when I was FOURTEEN. Fucking wild that I’ve been doing this for nearly a decade. Kinda my way of celebrating the fact that I’ve just been reunited with my old blog, which Tumblr has apparently changed the URL of. Baffled by the move but still stoked, and @a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse​ is absolutely the coolest person for being able to find it haha. Let’s gooooo 1. Are you registered to vote? No. I still have 3 years to go. < That’s so precious. I’ve been a voter for four years now. I registered the second I turned 18 and I remember being very excited to make it to the presidential elections because only a handful of people from my high school batch were 18 by the time of the elections. 2. When days go by, do you cross them off on the calendar? Only when I’m counting down for something. < This still sounds like something I would do, but I don’t really get to anymore because I have digital calendars on my phone and laptop now. 3. Are you currently counting down to something? If so, what? Summer vacation! 4 days left! < Again, so cute. There’s no countdown that exists because I honestly don’t know when it will be okay enough to go out like normal again, but I am waiting for Covid to go away or at least for a vaccine to be available.

No #4? 5. Ever got injured at work? What happened? Nope. < I sprained my ankle at one of the parking lots in school, while walking to my car. Worst thing was it happened in front of an ongoing rally, and I heard their chants slightly falter when they saw me fall. I tried to play it cool, but my foot clearly felt fucked and someone had to hold my arm as I hopped to my car.

6. What color is your roof? Brown. < Stop pretending like you have a roof, Robyn. The house has always had a rooftop.

7. Do you use MySpace or Facebook more? Neither. < I was still far too young when MySpace peaked so I never did get to participate in its glory days. I definitely use Facebook a lot more, then and now. 8. Last time you sharpened a pencil? When I took a diagnostic test last Monday. < Sometime in 2019 when I was still heavily into coloring and I bought several coloring books and a pack of coloring pencils. I loved coloring and wish I kept it up, but it was just a bit of a hassle for me to sharpen every ten minutes or so. 9. List all the people in your phone under T: Zero, zilch, nada. No phone. < A high school batchmade named Dani, a college colleague named Kate, and a couple of aunts and uncles whose contacts start with Tito and Tita.  10. How old were you when you got into text messaging? I once had a super obsessive text problem when I was 11, I think? < That would be the first time I got hooked with texting, but I got my first phone when I was 7 and was already texting by then. Mostly my parents and grandpa, but still. 11. Do you pay rent to your parents? No. < No. They’ve already told me they won’t pressure me to do so either, but out of gratefulness for taking care of me for 20+ years I have absolutely no problems covering some of the bills when the time comes. 12. What do you think of Obama’s new healthcare bill? I don’t know a lot about it. < Honestly, still same. That’s another country’s politics altogether and we have enough issues in our own nation as it is. I do pay attention to US issues that are more universal like LGBT issues, police brutality against black people, Trump as a person...but not the more in-depth ones like healthcare or student debt. 13. How many icons are on your desktop? 34. < Exactly half of that. 14. Do you spit or swallow? Get outta here!!! < Still can’t relate. 15. Ever wrote something on a bathroom wall? Nope. < Eugh no, public bathrooms are so nasty. I don’t usually touch anything in them other than the faucet. I’ve written on other things though, like the desks in school. 16. What’s your definition of a slut? Uh. < Someone who often has casual sex with a lot of people, is how I understand it. 17. If you use the word “slut”, do you apply it to men who do the same thing as what you listed above? Nah. < I don’t really use the word. 18. Do you dye eggs for Easter? I did once, in a children’s party. < Yeah, just that one time at my second cousins’ place when they were in the mood to paint on eggs and invited me and my siblings. 19. What did you do on the first day of spring? Never experienced spring. < We don’t have spring. 23. Are you currently crushing on anyone? No. < Yes. 24. What color hair did the last person you kissed have? NKSB. < LOOOOOOOOOL I spent like two minutes puzzling over this like who tf is NKSB??? Eventually realized this just meant ‘Never Kissed Since Birth’ oh my god 14 year old Robyn you were SO uncool. Anyway, her hair is black. 25. Do you stand up to say the pledge in school? We don’t have a school pledge, but we do recite our country’s pledge and yes, we stand up every time we say it. < Not anymore in university. Everyone just kinda does their own thing in college and we’re never gathered as one student body for anything, except for graduation. 26. Do you like your eye color? God no. It’s so boring. < I mean yeah it is a bit boring, but we kinda have no choice. Unless you go to West Asia which is nearing Europe as it is, nearly all Asians have brown eyes and black hair. 27. What brand of orange juice did you last drink? Zesto. < That’s the only brand of orange juice I’m okay with drinking, even eight years later. 28. Pens or pencils? Pens. < Still feel the same. 29. Last skirt you wore and why? My school skirt, because I have to go to school. < Omfg again, this is so precious. The last one I wore was my denim skirt, but it’s also been a while since I wore that because one of its buttons has since popped out and I never got around to having it fixed, leaving me with no skirts. 30. Last time you wore heels, what kind were they? A prom I went to. I actually have no idea what kind of heels they are so I’m just gonna say old-women heels. < They were stilettos, you dumbass. I also wore a pair of stilettos the last time I wore heels. They’re my favorite kind, so. 31. Shoes you wear the most? My Keds. < My pair of Onitsuka Tiger sneakers. . 32. Favorite quote at the moment? “YOU DUMB BITCH! I’M NOT HOLDING A MICROPHONE! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?” - CM Punk < Holy crap, I do not remember this quote at all and had to look it up on YouTube and – no regrets. Watching it made so many memories come rushing back lmao that clip is hilarious; Punk is the greatest. Right now I don’t really have a favorite quote. 33. What was the last magazine article you read about? I forgot. < It’s from the website version of the magazine, but the last article I read covered a viral Facebook post wherein someone had photoshopped the faces of The Big Bang Theory boys onto the traditional graduation photos of my university out of boredom. Article is here for anyone who wants to see how well the pictures turned out lol. 34. What do you think about communism? I don’t know enough about it. < I completely support the progressive youth orgs, especially the ones in my university, that are aligned with communist, socialist, and Marxist ideals. They speak the truth more than any other orgs, so I don’t shy away from defending them or promoting their ideals, especially on social media, even if it puts me in danger. 35. Are you planning on going to college? If so, which one? Of course. I want to study in Ateneo. < CAN WE CANCEL 14 YEAR OLD ROBYN?????? What a disappointment omg. You were always meant to be in UP, you weirdo. 22 year old me takes that appalling statement back lol I can’t even begin to imagine spending my college years in Ateneo. 36. What’s your favorite flower? Ugh I hate flowers. < Peonies and roses. 37. What’s the nearest beach? I think it’s like…600 km away + a 2 hour boat ride. < No it is not. There’s a beach I come back to in Nasugbu and that’s only 100 km away. 38. Ever been to Florida? Nope. < Still nope. 39. How old is your brother’s best friend? He’s probably 9 as my brother’s 9. < I don’t know if he has one and I don’t really care anymore. 40. What type of car did you ride in last? A Kia van. < Sksksksks this was referring to the school bus I used to ride omg :( I was last in our Vitara, when I had to go to the hospital to get some tests done back when I still had a pesky fever. 42. Are you excited for summer 2013? Fuck yeah. < I honestly don’t remember how it ultimately went, but apparently I was excited for it so that answers the question. 43. What class were your parents (ex. class of ‘75)? They’re the same age so batch ‘89. < There we go. 44. Are you in debt right now? For what? No. < Kinda-ish? I promised my sister I’d pay her for helping me out with iMovie (I wanted to make Gab a video for her birthday, but had never done it before), but I haven’t had the chance to do it since I only have big bills at the moment. She’s asking for ₱200 but I only have ₱1000s in my wallet, so I can’t pay her for now. 45. If you’re old enough, do you have a credit card? If you’re not old enough, do you want one when you’re older? I definitely want one. < Yep, still want one. Though I’ll need a crash course on how to use it because my parents never really taught me how cards work. 46. What color is your phone? No phone. < Apple calls it space gray but it’s really just black. 47. Have you ever had someone read a text message they weren’t supposed to see? Yes. < Yes. That person was me, and I accidentally read a text from my dad meant for only my mom when I was 5 because I had stubborn fingers that would click on anything. 48. What’s the minimum age you think someone should have a cell phone at? 10. < Holy cow, that’s a nope for me. I’d say 12 or 13. 49. Would you ever work night crew? Sure. < Yes. I’ve seen my girlfriend’s mom do it and honestly I find it pretty badass, especially because while everyone is stuck in traffic trying to get to work by 9 AM, she’s cruising down the highway on the opposite lane with no problem, to be home by 9 hahaha. 50. How old is the last person you texted? 41. < 22.

[demonsforfriends]

Just having a quiet moment to myself to sit and think about everything that's happened in the last week or so, and reflect on what's going on in my life right now.

It's been 3 weeks now since I've been in isolation and it's been a blessing in disguise. I didn't realise how much I needed time to just hermit and be at home and not mixing with the outside world. It's been over 3 weeks since I dissociated last, and that's something of a record for me. Even though we're having money worries, the same as everyone else, anxiety levels have dropped significantly.

Last week, we hit a bit of a bump. Well, a big bump actually. While anxiety has been a lot more manageable, there's been a lot of random depressive spells, and last week out of nowhere, I hit a wall, completely snapped, and made a really irrational, split second decision to end my life, and just went out on autopilot. For a moment, I was completely overwhelmed, felt like I was the source of all that's wrong with everything, felt like everyone's lives would be better without me in it and was just completely exhausted with the state of the world.

I struggle to do and understand a lot of things. Basic things, like working out how I feel, and talking about it, and dealing and acting on a single emotion. Feeding myself when I'm hungry. Showering when I need to. Understanding people's feelings and intentions. It's so difficult and confusing to the point of tears sometimes. But at the same time, I feel so so deeply, I just can't do anything about it a lot of the time, and not for lack of trying either. When I can actually pick up on it, I can feel deeper for others than I can myself. I've speculated in the past that I have autism, and never really thought anything of it, I just brushed it off and carried on. More recently, it's felt more and more like something I need to confront and deal with. Anyway, when I was off on my little suicide mission, I had a moment of clarity and I stopped. I turned my phone back on, and listened to the voicemail that my fiancée had left me and it absolutely broke my heart. She was so scared, and hurt, and confused and could barely speak for crying and it wrote me off. For a moment, I had a flash of confusion, which quickly turned to anger and self loathing. How could she love me? I'm so obsessed with perfection, but I am so imperfect, the exact opposite of the thing I've spent my entire life chasing, and trying to be. But as quickly as the anger came on, it dissolved. All I wanted to do was go home and make her feel better. I've always said that her happiness is my happiness, and I'll probably always stand by that. I went home, had a chat with the police, went with the ambulance crew to the hospital, spoke to the mental health teams, and went home to her. I felt so much remorse. We have regular mental health check ups with each other anyway, but that night we really talked a lot, about what I want, why I can't ever do anything for myself and the general day to day struggled that I have, and ups and downs that I have, and how to deal with my autism better. She also tried to work out how to love me better, which made me kinda sad, because there's no way she could do more for me than she already does, but she vowed to stick to it nonetheless. I've always believed her when she tells me she loves me, but somehow I believe her more now than ever.

I'm so glad I didn't go through with ending my life last week. I've experienced so many beautiful moments in this last 8 days alone. Things that would seem small and insignificant to some, but have been amazing and beautiful and really meaningful to me.

The first day after everything that happened, we spent the day at home together, mostly in bed. Just being in each others company. She held me and kept me calm for most of the day. Just the pure warmth and innocence of naked skin to skin contact was amazing. Jen sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the window, and as the sun was setting, I noticed the way the skin touched her skin and outlined her body, and it was truly an amazing thing to watch, so much so that I had to capture it. Her silhouette looked perfect against the dusk sky. I had a really profound feeling of being grateful to survive the previous afternoon, else I wouldn't have lived to see that moment.

Tuesday was a really, really amazing day, start to finish. One of the best days I've had in a long long time. Once Jen got back from work, we had a parcel arrive from Ithaca, actually genuinely one of my favourite bands. When the Covid-19 lockdown started, we bought a long sleeved t-shirt from them, because A. the shirt is sick as fuck and B. just to show some love and support. To our surprise, they sent us two shirts, the one that we ordered, as well as a bonus shirt from old merch stock, as well as a sticker and a handwritten note on the back of a photo of Djamila's dog, The Ham™.

Afterwards, we got dressed and headed out to go get some food shopping, and decided to talk through the park on the way home, and came across a beautiful bed of daffodils, so of course, I had to take pictures. The one above is my favourite, of course. Jen has the most beautiful smile, especially now that I know that she's happy for real.

After we'd been home, put the shopping away and showered, we headed out again. This time, to go hunt down a good spot to try and take some good photos of the "Pink Moon". We went for a nice long walk through the woods first though. It was so quiet, all we could hear were birds singing, the water running in the stream and the ground beneath our feet.

Once we found a good spot on high ground, we sat on top of two big rocks in front of some trees, one tree in particular was a a blossom tree, and we watched the sun go down, and just sat there quietly, looking at all of the colours meld and mix in the sky.

After the sun had set, we found the best spot we could find to set up the tripod and Jen sat by for a good half an hour to 45 minutes while I tried to get the best shot I could of the moon. I am honestly so so proud of this photo, I personally think it's one of the best photos I've ever taken.

I was starting to feel as though Jen was getting bored of sitting around, while I was indulging myself, as I know I often get carried away and absorbed when I'm doing something creative, and starting to feel like I should wrap things up, but instead, she took a big interest in what I was doing, and took the time and effort to get involved in what I was doing. She came and sat with me, and asked me questions about how my camera worked, and gave it a try for herself. I remember watching her try, and adjust, and try again and I remember feeling so much love, and feeling so proud of her. No one has ever gone out of their way to involve themselves in something that I love doing the way she did, and that memory, and that picture will stick with me forever.

This is just a bonus picture of Jen, because I thought she looked really beautiful under the glow of the streetlights and the moon. 😍

The day after/yesterday, after Jen came home from work, we spend another afternoon in bed together, to have some alone time. While the sex was amazing, as it usually is, that isn't the moment that sticks out for me, it's this one, in the photo. This might be grim, or kinda gross or just too much information for some, but I don't care. Now, ever since we have been together, both of us have become more comfortable body hair, periods, and pretty much everything that our bodies do naturally and we both find it beautiful. Something I've noticed, as well, is that people don't generally tend to talk much about grooming, especially when it comes to helping your partner groom and helping your partner with self care. Well, recently, we both decided to shave together, which is something both of us had to do before to please others, even though I never really liked it. However, this time is was different. Anyway, I have quite sensitive skin, and naturally, I get a lot of ingrown hairs, this time around have had a lot and it's been very uncomfortable and at times quite painful. When we were lay in bed together, I was in a bit of discomfort with it, and without batting an eyelid, Jen picks up the tweezers, heads back down there and starts removing and relieving all of the ingrown hairs. This really sticks out to me as a really beautiful moment. She was so gentle, and I was so comfortable that I felt no pain at all. I've never met anybody who treats my body with such care and respect before as she does, and she protects and looks after it better than I do. I remember being filled with love, and I felt like it was such an intimate moment, but a gentle, innocent kind of intimacy and it was beautiful. Another moment that will stay with me for a long, long time.

Later on in the evening, we went out for another walk, this time to go and meet Jen's mother and collect some food that she had got for us. On the way there, we came across a beautiful cherry blossom tree. Cherry blossoms are both of our favourite flowers, we absolutely adore them, so I wanted to photograph them, but I'm not a tall person and the tree was very high, so I couldn't reach to get a good close up photo of the flowers. Within seconds, she gave me a piggy back and hoisted me up high so I could get close enough to take this photo. We must've looked crazy to onlookers, but it was like we were the only two people in the world.

If I had gone through with ending my life last week, I would've missed out on all of these precious moments. As I said, they may seem small or insignificant to some, but to me, they hold so much weight and meaning. All of that would've been gone, within a split second of being overwhelmed.

Jennifer Stephanie Riddell, I wouldn't be here without you. I love you, so so much, more than words will ever be able to say. I can't wait to become your wife, so that everyday for the rest of our lives, we can carry on making beautiful memories out of the little things. Every day, you give me a reason to feel love and feel grateful for being alive. I hope you realise how special you are to me, and how meaningful it is to spend my life with you, however big or small the moment is.

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50, Chapter 51 Chapter 52

AO3

Huge thank you to my beta, @theministerskat for correcting the same mistakes 53 chapters in without any complaint!

picture by: Kamryn Hinojos

Chapter 53. Dust and Smiles

When I lived in Scotland I missed the sun dearly. Sunny days were treasured, and I found myself smiling without any particular reason when the sunlight snuck between the curtains of my room in the morning.

But sometimes a person can have too much sun. And too much dust stuck to their body. And there is a point when you think of rain and realise a wistful smile has appeared on your face at the thought. It’s the same moment you realise there isn’t an inch of your body not coated in grime.

I reached that exact point on a quiet afternoon in June, two weeks before I left Zambia. Some would say it had taken me long enough.

I was left alone after treating the skin wounds of a couple of five-year-old boys that had gone out ‘to explore’. Their little feet had raised tons of dust as they ran away from the clinic and the first thing that came to my mind was that I was extremely tired of washing my hair every night only to feel it dirty again by noon the following day.

Then, just before the boys disappeared out of sight, one of them turned back to look at me, white teeth stark against his dark skin as he smiled, and waved goodbye.

And suddenly, I didn’t mind the dust that much. I didn’t mind the heat, or how heavy my body felt at the end of each shift. All that mattered was their smiles when they left the clinic.

My three months in Zambia were so full of experiences, I could hardly believe it hadn’t lasted longer. I learned how to talk to people who were in pain, how to heal them or -- when this was impossible -- how to make them feel better. I learned to listen to them, to search their eyes, to read their discomfort or pain in the way they moved. And I learned how a single smile can make your day, how two skinny arms wrapped around your body or two warm hands holding yours can fill your heart to the brim.

Spending my childhood with Lamb, I was used to living amongst people who were different from me. He’d taught me to look at people and see them for all they were. Humans. Different, beautiful, every one a worthy individual.

“All people are the same,” Lamb used to say. “All genuine smiles make the eyes crinkle, all hearts beat in the same way inside our chests, not aware of colour or tribe.”

In Africa, I saw life, and I saw death. I saw the universality of pain. I felt hands squeezing mine in terror and in gratitude. And I felt full. I felt alive.

When I first decided to volunteer I had thought I would find a piece of my mother in Africa. I believed I would discover who she had been, what she had pursued in life. I didn’t. And I wasn’t disappointed, because I had found a piece of myself in the faces I met in Livingstone, and I cherished that. And maybe -- just maybe -- that piece of myself was hers. Passed down to me, together with her amber eyes, an unbreakable part of myself.

Being a volunteer had been a full time job -- and a demanding one at that. But I didn’t want to leave, not yet. I had more to give, there were people here who needed me. But I knew that my time was up. In two weeks, I would feel Scottish air against my skin once more. I would feel Lamb’s arms hugging me for a few extended moments before he would push away to look into my eyes and pet my hair the way he always did. And a week later, I would be at Lallybroch. Jenny had asked -- demanded, actually -- to spend a week or two there. She had enough of the men, she had said when we’d texted. And true to her word to her brother, she had sent me pictures of the estate, in full bloom and beauty.

Jamie would come home after the summer term. We would spend two weeks together before his next term began and I would go to Oxford. To Oxford, where -- unexpectedly -- I would find a familiar face.

Robert.

He had been different since his personal confession. His arrogance and cheeky comments hadn’t abated, but there wasn’t an edge to his voice anymore. It felt as though he needed someone to know his story, even if that someone wasn’t a friend, even if it was just me. He clammed up after that and never talked about his mother again, apart from the time he’d told me it was her wish that had brought him to Zambia as a volunteer.

We started, however, talking about literature. One evening I found him reading that fantasy book I had finished a few months ago. And when the conversation turned to our future plans after Zambia, he had looked down at me with a smirk and proudly announced that he had been admitted to Oxford University. I’d almost spit my pineapple juice out and onto his face. After that, our expectations and dreams of studying at Oxford became the most common topic of our discussions. Robert would be studying economics, expected to inherit and work in his father’s wine business in Provence. That was a relief. The last thing I wanted was to have the self-centered, competitive French on my heels through medical school. From what I had learned about him in the few months we lived together, he didn’t like being bested by anyone. And neither did I.

Jamie was the first to know I had found a fellow Oxford student in the middle of Africa. He and I had been texting and sending photos all the time, and I kept changing my screen background, choosing the funniest of the pictures he sent me. My favorite picture of him though, was the one he had sent me right after I arrived in Zambia. He was wearing a wide, silly grin as he sat in the bleachers of Michigan Stadium, my Wolverine amongst the blue and yellow sea of other students. He had sent it together with a text, shouting, “MY FIRST SPRING GAME!”

Boys.

Despite the selfies Jamie sent me every day -- in class, on his way there, before training holding the towel I had bought him, or tucked in with his blanket at night in bed, my favorite part of the week was when I saw him during our calls every weekend. I was always trying to take in every detail of him during our video chats -- his beautiful eyes, the way his curls moved as he excitedly gesticulated, his voice.

I missed him and I knew he missed me too. Even when John was present in their dorm and Jamie wouldn’t say it, his longing was obvious in the way he looked at me.

Two weeks and I would be at Lallybroch, in Jamie’s room. It made no sense for me to fly straight to Michigan with Jamie having his final classes and preparing to sit for his spring term exams. I had looked for tickets to visit him right after the exams, but the fares were too high to even consider it.  

We had agreed that it was not the ideal situation but okay nonetheless. We would survive it. At least, once I was back in Scotland, we would be able to call each other every day. As John had said, laughing, the force of the internet would be with us.

Jamie would come home at the end of August, after his summer term, and we would be at Lallybroch together, spending every single minute with each other.

“We have to make up for so much lost time,” Jamie had said to me during our last call, and the glint in his eye was as terrifying as it was exhilarating.  

A text on my phone brought me out of my reverie and I realised that I was still standing under the sun, alone, looking towards the far end of the road.

I found myself doing that a lot lately.

Scot: John’s cousin is a pain in the ass.

Sassenach: Hello to you, too.

Scot: Hi babe. John’s cousin is a pain in the ass. She called him, woke us up, and she demands that we pick her up from her hotel and show her around.

Sassenach: Well, she came to visit. Makes sense, no?

Scot: It. Is. Too. Early.

Sassenach: It’s 1 pm here!

Scot: You’re not helping. It’s 7 in the morning. Maybe I can send her there, then?

Sassenach: Is that the cocky cousin or the nice one? I doubt they’ll like the dust we have here, in any case.

Scot: The cocky one. Can I come there myself? Please?

Sassenach: Why aren't you on your way, already? :P

Scot: Don’t tempt me.

Sassenach: I don’t have anything to do right now.

Scot: We didn’t send you there to relax under the sun, Sassenach. Get that gorgeous round arse to work.

Sassenach: It seems I’ve healed all of Zambia.

Scot: So humble.

Sassenach: Always. I took lessons from the best.

Scot: Fuck you.

Sassenach: What? Since when are you talking like that? I need a selfie to make sure it’s really you.

I spent a whole minute wishing his selfie to load faster, but I ended up with a sleepy Jamie on my screen, which was worth the wait.

Sassenach: So it is you. These Americans are rubbing off on you, no? AND I DON’T MEAN IT LITERALLY. Also, fucking seems a bit difficult right now, seeing as you’re half a planet away.

Scot: But I’m ready, you know, right now.

I could almost see his pout and the challenge in his eyes when I closed my own, and I felt my cheeks turn red.

Sassenach: Okay. Shut up!

Scot: DAMN WAIT TILL I SEE YOU AGAIN. JUST WAIT.

Sassenach: Oh I’m looking forward to that.

Scot: Aaaaargh

Sassenach: Eloquent. Now get dressed, go get John and Hector, and show the girl around. She came all the way from Penrith to see Ann Arbor.

Scot: I just don’t get why I have to go, too.

Sassenach: John is your friend. This is what friends do. I spent all Saturday afternoon shopping with Louise.

Scot: I hate you.

Sassenach: Me too. Send me pictures?

Scot: Always. You too. Actually, I need one right now.

I took a picture of my dirty dusted face and sent it to him, grimacing when I saw how sloppy I looked.

Scot: You’re so tanned, I want to lick you.

Sassenach: Believe me you don’t. I’m dirty.

Scot: DIRTY? OMG STOP TALKING. I’m hard already and I have to get dressed.

Sassenach: You are ridiculous. Have I ever told you that?

Scot: Only a million times.

Sassenach: Good!

Scot: I’m going to take a cold shower AND CERTAINLY NOT THINK OF YOU.

Sassenach: I wish I was there with you.

Sending that, I actually snickered. His reply came in milliseconds.

Scot: You are a heartless, dangerous woman.

Sassenach: And yet you love me. Now go shower.

Scot: I do love you. And I’ll prove to you how much once I get my hands on you, you tease. Ttyl!

Raising my eyes from the screen, I saw Louise looking at me.

“You know I can tell when you’re texting Jamie, from that silly smile on your face?” she asked, keeping her arms crossed in front of her chest as if judging me.

“What can I do?” I didn’t try to hide my smile. “I found myself a good one.”

Louise nodded and came to stand next to me. A moment later a heavy sigh left her lips, and I noticed the shadows in her eyes. “Margaret was crying again. I tried to talk to her, but she won’t listen. She’s leaving next week and she doesn’t want to go back.”

“Makes sense.” Louise’s mood had been bad the last few days. “The moment she’ll be back, she’ll have to deal with reality. He won’t be there, and there will be no way to escape.”  

“She keeps talking in her sleep. She’s having weird dreams, you know.” Louise twisted her rings absentmindedly, not looking at me.

“I know. I woke her last night because she was murmuring and thrashing about. Jeremy was awake too, and we kept her company until she was settled again.”

“I’m sorry to see her go, especially knowing she’s still so unstable. I think her family isn’t supportive and that terrifies her even more.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Two of the volunteers I got to know had come to Zambia carrying a great emotional load and needing a chance to escape. They were trying to heal themselves through healing the others. The universality of pain, all over again.

“Charlie called me.” Louise changed the subject, this time with a smile. “He said he misses me.” She rubbed her hands against her thighs, awkwardly, but met my eyes when I turned to look at her.

“Rather convenient, wouldn’t you say? Seeing as you’re going back home next week.”

“Not all of us are strong, Claire.” Her voice was harsh and I bit my lip, regretting being so straightforward.

“You know better, I guess.”

Louise sighed again. “I wish I did, actually. I don’t know what to do when I get back to Paris.”

I placed my hand on top of her shoulder and squeezed lightly. “You don’t need to decide right now. You can meet him, see what he has to say, how he’ll explain himself.”

Louise nodded, sleek brown locks of hair escaping her loose ponytail. “I wish we were as strong as you and Jamie are. Everything would be simpler.”

“Well, it’s not like everything comes easy and we don’t try at all. We’ve just decided that being together matters the most, and we’re not sacrificing what we have just because we’re not close. We’re both stubborn and it helps -- thus far, at least.”

My phone vibrated against my leg, and I unlocked it to see a picture of Jamie and John rolling their eyes, and a girl in the background.

Sassenach: Out, already?

Scot: Yeap. She’s fourteen but she’s so bossy I think John is afraid of her.

Sassenach: And you?

Scot: I’m being a good friend, as I was advised to be. I already regret it.

Sassenach: Where are you?

Scot: Out for breakfast. She had the longest order I’ve heard in my whole life. She actually ordered something from the menu and then changed every little bit of it. It was embarrassing.

Sassenach: Leave a good tip.

Scot: We will! Hector turned red as she kept going on and gave the waitress a shy smile.

Sassenach: I wish I was there, sitting at another table just to make fun of the three of you.

Scot: Believe me, babe, if you were here I’d sit right next to you at a table in another cafe.

Sassenach: Drama queen.

Scot: You haven’t met wee Geneva yet.

Sassenach: How come she visited without her parents?

Scot: They had promised her this trip if her grades were good. They were. She’s really smart, actually. It makes her more of a pain in the ass.

Sassenach: Maybe the three of you can teach her something, you know? Humility, for example.

Scot: Not a chance.

I stuck my tongue out, took a selfie and sent it.

Scot: Don’t you show me that tongue because I have dreams about it. And I hope you’re there alone.

Sassenach: I’m with Louise! She says hi!

Scot: Hello Louise! Take care of Claire for me, okay?

Sassenach: You realise I’m still the one reading the texts, right?

Scot: Just read that one aloud.

Sassenach: I’m capable of taking care of myself, thank you.

Scot: I know. My strong and stubborn lass. John looks desperate and Hector is huffing. I’m going to save them from their misery because I’m a good friend.

Sassenach: The best! Go save them, my gallant lad!

I huffed a laugh and turned my focus back to Louise. “It was quiet today.”

“Mmmm.” Her eyes were closed, her face relaxed under the sun.

“Whatever happens with Charlie, you’re going to be fine,” I said, using my most reassuring tone.

“Mmmm.”

I decided to join her and close my eyes for a bit, but an elderly woman and her daughter came into view. “Well, don’t blame me for that,” I murmured and nudged Louise, who opened her eyes, saw the patients, and shot me an accusing glance.

“Hello,” she said as she turned back to the women, and we both rose from the bench.

Who knew what waited for us once we got back to normalcy. For now, we had work to do.

Chapter 54

[livsoulsecrets]

Nicotino College AU - Chapter 15: The truth

Masterpost

Previous Chapter

Summary: Niccòlo attends the music school and is friends with Filippo, who started helping at the photography course after getting famous for his lgbtq+ activism as a photographer and youtuber. Marti is studying journalism in the same university and is convinced by Filippo to attend the photography course mister Boccia and Filippo himself are offering. Marti turns out to be terrible at it and needs Nico’s help to make a perfect final project to get approved.

June 11th

15:24

— Wait, you were at his place? — Elia asked, an eyebrow raised at Martino as if that was enough of a question on its own.

— Yes.

— And you guys didn’t, well… You know? — Luca almost whispered it, making Gio laugh in disbelief while Marti’s cheeks burned with embarrassment.

— For fuck’s sake, Luchino, why are you asking that? — Gio asked, trying to stop himself from laughing his ass off of the look on Marti’s face.

— I’m just curious, okay? You all are so annoying! — Luchino protested, rolling his eyes.

— Anyway… Did you, though? — Gio asked, not being able to control his curiosity.

— No, we didn’t. Can you please leave me alone now? — Marti finally answered after staring at Gio incredulously for some seconds.

— I told you, you’re too slow. — Elia argued, laughing at how Marti looked like he wished he was dead instead of having that conversation.

— Leave the poor boy alone. — Gio said, throwing his arms around Marti in a dramatic way. — Nothing to fear, my friend, I will keep you safe from them. — He whispered while Elia rolled his eyes.

— I hate you all. — Marti said under his breath while he pushed Gio off him. — We just hang out, talked about stuff, that is all. It just wasn’t the right time. — Marti got lost on the middle of the memories from the time he spent with Nico over the last Sunday, laughing, telling stories, planning the next steps of the project together.

He doesn’t think he will ever forget the image of Nico playing the piano just for him, his eyes closed, all of his being concentrated on getting every note right. The smile he opened up when he finished, asking Marti if he liked the piece. He didn’t say a thing, he couldn’t. Marti just took Nico’s face in his hands and kissed him hard, hoping the boy would understand what he meant. That while Nico played, Marti felt as if he was seeing something out of this world, almost magical.

— We’re still here, you know? — Luca kicked him in the leg, startling Marti.

— How could I forget? — Marti kicked him back, hoping that would be enough for the boys to let go of the subject. Elia seemed to be ready to make another of his terrible jokes when Gio’s serious look stopped him.

— Anyway, are you meeting him today? — Luchino asked and Marti wished he was better at staying mad at his friends.

— Yes, he is on his way. We will be doing my photos today. — Marti asked and he could have sworn Luca giggled.

He was kind enough not to comment on that, so all he did was take a look around, just to check if Nico was in his way.

— Anyway, I really gotta go, mom is waiting for me, apparently she needs help with the new TV. Again. — Elia said, taking a deep breath and picking up his backpack from the floor.

— I will come with you, I can’t stand to be here any second longer, need my bed. — Luchino said, following Elia in his goodbyes to Marti and Gio. Once they were gone, Gio turned to Marti, a smile on his face that was away too familiar at this point.

— What?

— Nothing. I have to go to meet Eva, actually. — Gio said, the annoying smile not leaving his face.

— Great, tell her I said hi.

— Will do. — Gio agreed, hugging Marti goodbye, his backpack hanging in his left shoulder.

Marti could pinpoint the moment Gio decided to say something again.

— And, Marti?

— Yes?

— Hope I get to know Nico at some point. — He said, somehow embodying so many things in a single sentence. It was a “Hope you stay this happy”, a “I’m glad you trust us with those things now” and a “I know what you feel for him is real, too real, so don’t run” all at once. Marti was glad he understood it so easily by now.

— I hope so too, Gio. — Marti answered, a half smile on his face that was enough to make Giovanni laugh a bit before walking away. Marti rested against the wall again, picking up his phone to check if Nico messaged him.

— So that is the famous Giovanni Garau? — Nico’s voice took Marti by surprise, which made Nico laugh.

— The one and only. Did you just get here? — Marti asked, half of his attention being dragged to Nico’s lips. A whole day without seeing him and Marti was already missing the sensation of kissing the other boy.

Maybe Elia was right, maybe Marti was in too deep, after all.

— No, I got here some minutes ago, but… Well, you were with your friends and I didn’t know if I should come over and say something or not. — Nico had his hands inside his jeans’ pockets, looking uneasy like Marti had never seen him.

— Oh, really? You should have come, this way you would meet them. — Marti offered, making Nico’s head snap back to him.

— You want me to meet them? All of your friends? — Nico asked, still insecure.

— Yes, of course. They want to meet you too. I mean, you’re meeting Elia this week anyway, he is coming on Thursday for the photos. — Marti couldn’t help but lay his hand on Nico’s. Nico smiles, his eyes cast down, looking at the floor.

— Letter B already, huh? — Nico’s astonished little laugh does things to Marti’s heart.

— Yeah, it’s going fast. — Marti doesn’t really know if he’s talking about the pictures or about them anymore. He doesn’t care though: Nico is so close and he can’t believe he didn’t kiss him yet.

He feels like he has to. He feels like he should.

So he does.

Marti closes his eyes and Nico meets him halfway for the kiss, his hand finding its way to Marti’s hair easily.

It’s over as fast as it started, but the fireworks are still going off all over his head.

They break apart and the world keeps spinning. They look at each other and nothing happens. He feels a bit lost because kissing Nico makes him feel so many things at once that it is surreal to imagine life can go on while it happens.

— I will love meeting Elia then. And all of your friends. You have a pretty good taste, after all. — Nico jokes, making Marti’s whole body shake with the laughter.

— I have never been told that before, Filo usually says I have the same taste as a eighty years old man who gave up on life. — Marti answers and he is only half joking.

— For some reason, that doesn’t surprise me. — Marti is caught by surprise in the middle of his laugh with Nico holding his hand while they walk away from the college. The boy seems to notice the same thing and moves to let go of Marti, but he stops him.

He likes the feeling. He likes holding onto to Nico, knowing he’s there. He likes the comfort and the safety.

With that last thought in my mind, he allows Nico to take him to whatever crazy location he decided on for the photoshoot.

17:45

— Just turn a bit more to the left, yes! It is great. — Nico tells him and Marti does so. He is already tired from the hours he spent walking around and following Nico’s lead in the whole “posing” thing.

Marti couldn’t deny it was fun, though. It was amazing to see Nico so concentrated.

Marti picked up the photography course because Filo was a pain on his ass for him to do so, talking and talking about how great it would be for them to work together.

The thing was that Marti also picked up that course because he wanted to know why Filippo loved photography so much, why that was pretty much the only thing in his life he took seriously. He remembered that Filo once told him that he always felt like himself with a camera in hand. That was the feeling Marti was after. The type of peace you can only find within yourself.

He didn’t find it in Boccia’s classes with thousand of lessons about light, color, techniques and camera positions. He didn’t even find it in Filo’s enthusiastic guidance.

To be honest, the only moments he actually got close to what he was looking for were the ones he spent by Nico’s side during this project.

Nico’s excitement just got to him in an incredible way. Martino saw his own friends in a completely different light, especially because he had a very clear goal on mind this time, just proving something he knew deep in his bones: being proud of who you are when that very thing is hated by so many people is the bravest thing you could ever do. And what better way of doing it than registering it in a photography? Something that never changes, that captures a moment, a feeling forever.

He liked how Fede, Silvia and Filo didn’t look all that different in the photos. The same smile, the same essence. Because the fact they aren’t straight is nothing more than a piece of the puzzle they form, but it is still a piece they are deeply proud of. Marti took a long time to see that. In some days, it is still hard to do so. Transforming all those complex feelings into a whole project meant the world to him. Having someone who understood it by his side meant the world to him.

Maybe that is why he had so many feelings for Nico already: because he was there while Martino learned to see the world in a new way, he was there while Martino was building his own pride. He didn’t judge, he didn’t ask for more than Marti could share.

The point was that Marti only started gasping why photography could be so amazing once Nico entered his life and for that he was grateful. — And, we are done! — Nico announced, putting the camera down and moving in Marti’s direction.

— Finally, I’m kind of exhausted. — Marti answered, to which Nico laughed.

— I get it. I usually am too after one of those sessions.

— Yeah, but at least it is not a stranger taking pictures of me. I would be even more embarrassed than I was.

— What? You were embarrassed, why? — Nico questioned, putting his hands on Marti’s waist.

— Well, a bit. You are like a model and I’m just me. So yeah, of course I was. But knowing it was you taking the pictures made it easier. — Marti’s voice was low since he was hiding his face in the crook of Nico’s neck, but the other boy still heard.

— That’s bullshit, Marti. — Nico answered after some seconds, surprising Marti. — I may be the “model”, but you? Damn it, Marti, you are the most beautiful person I know. Today just proved this to me all over again.

— Wow, most beautiful person you know? Including yourself? — Marti cracked a joke, of course. Because God forbid if he actually behaved like a normal person around Nico.

— Yes, idiot. Including myself. — Nico laughed at him, caressing Marti’s face once the boy finally gained the courage to face Niccòlo. — By the way, I am glad you felt more at ease with me taking the photos. It means a lot to me. — This time Nico’s voice was the one to lower.

— It is the truth. — With that, Marti moved to capture Nico’s lips after hours of being too close and too far away from him. — Thank you, by the way. What you said was really sweet.

— It is the truth. — Nico said right back at him without thinking twice.

— Damn it, Fares, you need to be careful here. I’m not used to getting so many compliments. — Their foreheads were touching and the moment felt special, unique. Marti’s tone was light, but they both seemed to know the hidden depth of Marti’s words.

— Sorry, but you might just have to get used to it.

Marti would be more than happy to do so.

📱-> Marti

📱-> Nico’s Instagram Post

Next Chapter

[myrelationshipwithanarcissist]

I met my partner 9 years ago at a New Year’s Eve party. We didn’t speak too much that night, but myself and my friend that were at the party we’re friends with two of the guys that he hung around with. Somehow I ended up with his number and we started texting a lot. He picked myself and my friend up a few times (he lived 45 minutes away) and we stayed down his area at his friends, went McDonald’s etc. We got on really well and of course it was flirty, but nothing in particular happened. I always remember being on the bus texting him and he told me he’d give me a baby. But things between us went quiet, I can’t remember why. Looking back on it I assume it’s just because he had a girlfriend (which I didn’t know at the time) and she probably saw the messages between us. Either way, we stopped talking. Two months later I had met someone else and got into a relationship with them. I won’t go into much detail, but the guy was an absolute arsehole (I seem to attract them. Probably due to my own arsehole of a father). I ended up falling pregnant at 17, and as typical story goes, he cheated, then ditched us. Throughout the years he came in and out as he pleased and we had a very toxic relationship (even though we weren’t together). In 2016 he left for good and we haven’t seen him since (other than the odd times I’ve seen him in public but we haven’t spoken). Since then he’s got married and had another kid (although also recently ditched that woman as well, no idea about the kid. If you’re wondering how i know this when we have no contact, it’s because I’m extremely close with his mum and my kid sees her regularly and his mum has nothing to do with him, but knows through her own mum who he is now living with. It’s complicated, I know.) this information is relevant because of certain behaviours and comments from my partner. Anyway, back to my current partner. Throughout the years we would end up messaging again. There would be flirting and just general talk. We’d always discuss meeting up but it would never happen, as he was still in another city at uni and when he came home he was in a relationship with someone else. He would also make sexual jokes to me sometimes, and out of awkwardness of not killing the conversation, I’d go along with it in a jokey way, but make it clear that obviously it wasn’t going to happen. He never pushed it majorly, but would make ‘jokes’ that we’d have to have meaningless sex at least once, because apparently our sex would be incredible.

(Every time I press enter it leaves a massive gap for some reason?!)

About three and a half years ago I was in a sort of relationship with this other guy. Nothing serious. More friends than anything that just hung out a lot. But we went to the cinema to watch the film ‘why him’ .. (the irony of it still makes me laugh) when I ended up seeing my current partner there with one of his friends. My face lit up seeing him because we’d always gotten on really well and I said hey and I think I gave him a cuddle I’m not sure? (This will come up in a future argument). When I was back at home I messaged him saying it was great seeing him, hope he was okay etc. It’s important to add that the messages were not flirty, and I did not invite him to come over or plan anything that would be considered inappropriate.

I’ve just realised it’s very important I add this in. When my daughter was two, I ended up moving into my own place with her. During that time I spent every evening alone as she was always in bed by 7. I became very comfortable with myself as a person, and my own company. I became someone that wouldn’t take shit from guys - other than my daughters father unfortunately, I was still a mug for him and would go running back every time he showed his face as I was desperate for my daughter to have a father I never had - and I honestly just had no interest in being with anyone. Sure I innocently flirted, and sometimes guys thought I was flirting purely because I was able to be myself and joke and laugh with them when flirting was the last thing on my mind. But I always made it clear I had no interest in anything. Not casual sex, not a relationship. Most of the time I couldn’t even commit to texting people regularly because I just preferred keeping to myself. I also knew that if my ex would come back, I’d go running to him, so I never wanted to get in a relationship with someone when I knew i was still a mug for my ex. But I genuinely couldn’t go more than a few days of talking to people consistently, it drained me. And I got fed up with guys seeing me as a challenge because I would tell them I wasn’t interested in anything, yet they thought they could change it. I was fed up with people creating this idea of me in their head and falling for that, rather than actually getting to know me for who I really was. For once I just wanted someone to actually take the time to get to know me for me, and want me for me. Not the idea of me that they’ve created. My depression also got pretty bad during this time and I struggled to find motivation to do anything and spent a lot of time in bed. This will also come up later.

A few months after seeing him at the cinema, we were both single. He’d sent me a video on Facebook and we got talking, and he mentioned how the last time we had spoken, I’d just stopped out of nowhere so he asked me what my deal was and I just explained, like I have above. He seemed pretty cool and understanding about it. The conversation continued and somehow we ended up arranging going out for drinks together. The night came and it was okay. We got on easily and had some laughs and made some jokes. In the car home we got talking about nudes or something, and I showed him a picture of me in my underwear. I did this because I hated my body, so when I got photos where it looked good, I liked to show it off a little to make me feel better about myself based on their reactions, and to obviously come off more confident than what I was. But nothing happened, and I went home to relieve my mum of baby sitting duties. The next day I was in town with my mum, and he kept texting me, but due to obviously being out and busy and my mum having a go at me for being rude every time I went on my phone, I wasn’t as into the conversation. This caused him to become insecure and arsy with me even though I explained that I was out with my mum, but he thought I was making up excuses and just didn’t want to text him, and in my head I was like oh fuck this, this is way too much energy and hassle. So I ended up ghosting him. I still had him on social media, I just didn’t text him back etc. I mean honestly his reaction there should’ve been enough of a red flag for me to stay the hell away.

Alas, a year came and went. During that time we had odd conversations as we had similar interests. Then I found myself craving social interaction, which is very rare to me. I think something had been said between us recently and I started to think about him, so I put out a snapchat story set so only he could see it, basically saying I was bored. He messaged me. We started chatting. He bought up me ghosting him. I explained that there was just too much expectation for something more and it caused me to close up. I wasn’t ready for something like that at that point of my life. I told him i just wanted to be friends, to build up a proper close friendship so we really knew each other before jumping in blindly. He was understanding. He said well let’s hang out as friends then. I was more than down with that. He came over one night. We chilled and we chatted. He was respectful, he didn’t try anything and we got on really well. He came and chilled the next night. Same again. He then showed an interest in meeting my daughter and since we were just friends, I was cool with it.

Now because of the whole issue with my daughters dad, she is very wary of men. It takes a lot for her to talk to them. And even then she does not trust them, she does not like being touched by them (no, she was not sexually abused; she would just see that due to my anxiety I did not like to be touched, and unfortunately that rubbed off on her). Like she would never admit that she loved or even liked a man, even when it’s clear she did.

He came over, gave her a peace offering of a hagrid pop figure. She started to come out of her shell. They quickly clicked and bonded over pokemon. She adored him. He was incredible with her. Understanding, respectful, playful, patient. He’d play with her and he had a great imagination. They pretty much fell in love with each other. (She was 6 at this time) And obviously my kid is the key to my heart. Win her over and treat her amazingly and that’s it, I’m yours. So things became more relationship orientated than friendship. In my head I was like, well I’ve known this guy for years, we get on really well and we have loads in common. I’m myself around him and he seems to like that. I made it clear though that it was to go very slow, I didn’t want him staying over, I didn’t want to have sex with him until I knew things were serious and we’d lasted a few months. He told me he understood and he was fine with it, although he would make sexual jokes.

After his second time of seeing my daughter, after she had gone to bed, we were sat on opposite ends of the sofa like always. Then he asked if he could have a cuddle. I obliged even though I felt anxious about being touched at first. But for some reason I felt comfortable once we’d settled into a cuddle. Like it felt right. He then kissed me. I was disappointed. Not because it was a rubbish kiss, it wasn’t. But I had wanted a build up. All the tension of taking things slow but really wanting to kiss until suddenly it’s the perfect moment and BAM, fireworks and romance - which he knew. (I read a lot of books and had very high expectations of relationships and love) and that didn’t happen, but I rationalised that this was real life and it doesn’t always go how we planned. This was my first stupid compromise. Of course it wasn’t long until he started getting extremely intense with the kissing, and of course began thinking with his dick like all men do. But I was adamant and kept saying no, so he stopped, but would try every night. Getting more and more insistent and pushing boundaries. Huge red flag. Should’ve paid more attention. But I was too blinded by his relationship with my daughter and how comfortable and easy things were with him. Eventually I just gave in because I stupidly ended up feeling bad for repeatedly saying no. Stupid compromise number two that I will always regret. There was no meaning behind it. I didn’t feel any particular passion. It certainly wasn’t what I expected or wanted. I mean for god sake, it was a quickie on the sofa. I was fuming with myself. And yet I should’ve been fuming with him. Already, this strong independent woman I had spent years carefully building was just falling apart.

The next thing was staying over. He still lived 45 minutes away and he started complaining about how much petrol he was using and all his miles. He started to guilt trip me and make me feel bad. I tried saying that it was too fast and would be confusing for Gracie-mae. But he still continued to make me feel bad. Saying how it would only be on the weekend, so that he could spend more time with us. I gave in. Compromise number 3. It wasn’t long until he’d moved in half of his stuff and rarely went home. I couldn’t ask for space because he would get all insecure when I would even so much as mention about having time alone. Why wouldn’t I want to spend time with him after all? I mean he wants to spend every minute with me, and every minute that we weren’t together due to work, we had to be texting. And if I wanted space it must mean that I don’t care about him the way he does me. Although at this point he wasn’t as blatant and obvious as this. That was like month 2/3 that he started saying his toxic shit straight (which shows that people really do show their true colours after 3 months because they can’t keep up with the charade). So I didn’t get time alone. I didn’t even get to spend proper time with my daughter without having to be on my phone texting him. Another thing I hate myself for.

I can’t remember much other details about the first few months except a few occasions. I remember vaguely that I had said about the whole space thing because I was overwhelmed with constantly being around him as I was used to having my own space, and he got distant and got his stuff and left. He then texted me saying he didn’t think he could do this, the whole kid thing was a lot to take on etc. He also started a guilt trip of saying that he felt like he’d thrown himself into this relationship and felt stupid for doing so because I hadn’t done it back - because I wanted alone time. Actually; I’ve looked at screenshots and one of my messages say ‘is this all because I won’t let you stay over and have sex with you’. So yeah. Of course I was completely blinded at this point and the thought of losing someone I was so comfortable with, and who was so amazing with my daughter was just not something I wanted to accept. Looking back on it I should’ve just let him leave because my reaction then set an expectation for him. He liked having me beg and fight for him. Huge red flag. Another argument was when we’d gone to the beach one day with my mum and sister and her kids. He wanted to stay at mine when we were back but I was like no not tonight, I’ve got work tomorrow etc. He threw a massive tantrum. Can’t remember the specifics. But then he sent me a guilt tripping message saying “I just want you to know that every moment I don’t get to be with you I feel is wasted. So I was so pissed off that I couldn’t stay with you last night. I absolutely adore the ground you walk on and I can’t get enough of everything about you” seems like a pretty cute and romantic message right? I thought so too. But when someone is using that as an excuse for why they��ve got pissed off and taken it out on you, it’s a massive red flag. Another time, my mum came over to help sort out my garden (she’s a career and so constantly working and whenever she’s not at work she always helps myself and my sister out off her own back. The most giving and selfless person ever). And my partner was over, yet he refused to do anything to help us out. Literally nothing. He just went upstairs to go on his ps4. (At this point I would just like to point out that he was 28 at the time). Now yes; he had just had a massive back tattoo done, so I dismissed it and was understanding. But he didn’t try to use that as an excuse at first. No. His first response was that this wasn’t his house (even though he’d pretty much moved in), so why should he spend his valuable time digging up my garden? Yup. This is coming from a guy that constantly spouts shit about being kind to everyone, believes in karma, the universe, agrees with Buddhism and has “warm heart & kind soul” in his bio. Funny that.

Then the jealousy started to come to light. Not just jealousy though. Extreme trust issues. To make it worse, my sexuality is very fluid. I personally could date anyone if I found them attractive and got on with them and enjoyed their company. Male, female, penis, vagina etc. Didn’t bother me. But then I would go through phases where I just didn’t find anyone attractive, mentally or physically. The thought of a romantic and sexual relationship was a huge no to me. But just the fact that I didn’t care about gender was a huge thing for him. It meant he had more than just men to be worried about apparently. Even though I had explained to him that I didn’t go out my way to fuck and date people when I was single, so why on earth would I suddenly start doing it now I’m in a relationship? But it didn’t matter to him. I couldn’t be trusted. Why? Because of my reaction to seeing him when I went to the cinema. A loyal person shouldn’t be that excited to see another guy. Even though I never flirted or tried to get him to come over. Another reason? Because me and my best friend are extremely close, she send half nudes to me so I can say whether they’re good or not, we frequently tell each other we love each other and we peck each other hello and goodbye. He generally didn’t like our relationship. Even though I’ve known her since I was 10. Even though she’s straighter than uncooked spaghetti. Even though I was in a committed relationship to him. Another reason? I’m too friendly and other people might think I’m flirting with them. Honestly I can’t even think of all the reasons. But apparently I come across as a very untrustworthy person. Despite the fact that he was the one liking half naked pictures of girls and general girls selfies over Instagram and other social media. But obviously I was untrustworthy. I work with children, he’d get funny about the dads that would come to pick up. He started to get funny about me making myself look pretty, because who am I trying to look good for? There’s obviously someone. He would constantly look at my phone when I was on it. He’d always ask who I was messaging. He would think that anytime I wouldn’t have him stay over, it’s because I had someone else over. If I went out without him, he’d want to know if I’d bumped into anyone. I saw his friends in town once and he asked how I looked and what was said, then called me a liar because I didn’t give him every detail of the interaction. He was on a stag do, drunk in some foreign country at a pub, and yet he accused me of being a slut and having someone over, because apparently I sounded sexy on the phone. He wanted me to send him a Snapchat of my bedroom to prove that I was alone, then lost his temper when i refused out of principle. Just a whole lot of jealousy and distrust.

As time went on, arguments became intense and verbally abusive. As someone who lived alone for a very long time I became very intolerant to pointless arguments, I couldn’t be bothered. Just give each other space to calm down then move on. But he couldn’t do that. He needed to get it out in the open there and then, then sort it out. But I just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t like that. He thought I was closing myself off and being distant. He didn’t understand that that was how I dealt with things. So he started to say extremely horrible and nasty things to try and get reactions out of me. Sometimes it would work. He would say about my parenting, call me a shit mum and make digs about how I couldn’t even get out of bed for her once and I just used to sleep all the time. He’d bring up my ex and make digs about him and say he understood why he left, I clearly drove him away etc. He’d make digs at my appearance. Even my family at times. He’d throw in my face that my daughter wasn’t his. Sometimes I’d react, sometimes I wouldn’t. He was then start saying ‘well just break up with me then, kick me out’ etc etc. So each time I’d get up and start to pack his stuff, to whilst he would immediately break down in tears, apologise and beg me not to do this. Sometimes he would even refuse to leave and instead tell me to ring the police. He would steal my phone from me and my favourite teddy that ive had since I was a baby to try and get a reaction. He would honestly just become this completely different person. But he’d beg and beg when he’d seen that he’d push me too far. And I would give in because he wouldn’t leave and I just wanted to sleep because I had work the next morning. It was a lot of late nights. Only for him to pull the same shit over dumb shit I don’t even remember the next night. At one point he even told me that he just wanted to fuck me up mentally and emotionally. I had so many screenshots, but he guilt tripped me into deleting them all, which I regret to this day. The things he said were vile. But it wasn’t always shit, we had pretty great times too. Then it would be like a week or two where everything would kick off. But it became this thing where I had to be so careful with everything I’d say or do just incase it triggered him. I had to make up silly little lies about the dumbest shit to avoid an argument. He’d literally try and trap me to cause an argument and kick off. Like with sex. Oh my fucking god. I won’t get started on that yet.

Back to the jealousy though. We ended up going on holiday just the three of us. And obviously you get entertainers on holiday. There were two specific guys though. One was quite small, but very muscular and a lot of the ladies liked him. The other was flamboyantly gay and I found him fascinating to watch. And obviously they worked together. They were in shows together. So when we watched them, if I watched too intently, he would accuse me of having a thing for the smaller guy, and would say I was trying to catch his attention to flirt with him. Even though I’d never said a word to him. Even though it was the gay guy I was watching. But that would cause arguments. He’d storm off.

But in November 2018 I’d finally had enough. We had been arguing loads over the fact that he was extremely jealous yet he’d constantly like other girls photos. And he would purposely do it to trigger me because he knew I’d see it. And there was this one specific girl he would use because I had a past with her where she tried it on with an ex of mine years back when we were together. And at the same party. We’d gone to the cinema to watch the fantastic beasts film. As we were waiting he was on his phone and went on Facebook where he’d suddenly got a notification saying this girl had accepted his friend request and I snapped. I told him I was done. When we got home I packed all his shit and made him leave. And he did. We didn’t speak for a week and during that time I felt so much better. I was happier, I had more patience for my daughter because I wasn’t constantly stressed and tired from arguing with him. I ended up bumping into an old male friend during that week whilst I was in town. He added me on Snapchat. It just so happens that yes I had slept with him previously, but we had also been very good friends until he’d turned into a sleazy fuck boy. He kept trying to get me to fuck him and i was adamant that I had no interest in it. But of course it was all on snapchat so I had no proof of this. Anyway; during the week that we had broken up, my partner had gone away. We had no contact. When he came back i received a message from him saying that I was right, he needed help and he’d booked intensive sessions with a therapist who specialised in anxiety and anger issues. I was still angry and hurt by him, so I had no interest. But it was shortly after that it was my daughters birthday and he’d messaged me asking if he could drop off presents that he had bought her. Stupidly I said yes. He came over when she was in bed as he said he couldn’t cope with seeing her yet. But then we got talking, he told me about his new therapist etc etc. As he was about to leave, he kissed me. I kissed him back. Which was so fucking stupid, because in my head I knew I was better off without him.

We started talking again. But he wanted me to chase him to feel better about himself. So he’d say that we couldn’t get back together. Our families would go mad. We couldn’t get back together because I’d said before hand that I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole and I was happier without him. Basically just making me want him. For some dumb reason it worked. We got back together. He was seeing his therapist. She was doing hypnotherapy on him. It seemed to have gotten better. He’d had the odd loss of control on his temper, but he mastered it pretty quickly. But he would tell me stuff his therapist said and I’d find it odd. Apparently she diagnosed ME with a split personality. She seemed to be very victim blaming. And a small voice in my head said it was clearly because of shit he was saying to her, but I ignored that voice because after all, he was getting help and things were better. And one of the times he lost his temper was because I’d told him about seeing my friend, and he obviously got extremely paranoid about it and I was stupidly honest. But of course he didn’t believe that I’d rejected his offer. It kicked off a lot of arguments, but he got his way as always, and I deleted the guy off of my snapchat. He also stopped staying over as much, but I could never tell him how much I enjoyed my alone time because then he’d get offended.

When we had broken up, I stopped taking the pill because it was giving me low mood, and I wasn’t having sex anymore so I didn’t see the point. Obviously when we got back together we started to be extremely careful because I was adamant that I didn’t want to go back onto it. I didn’t want to sink back into that depression. I was tracking my periods and ovulation and things were going well. Now I would just like to add that throughout our entire relationship he has frequently told me to stop taking the pill without telling him so that I’d fall pregnant. But he didn’t want to know because he wasn’t ready, but he did want a baby with me. He was scared, but he wanted it, but wasn’t ready yet. But anyway, it got to about April time and by boobs started to become very tender. I told him this and he said I was pregnant. I was like nooo I’m not. But I was. And although it was the dumbest thing I ever could’ve let happen, I wouldn’t change it for the world and it was clearly meant to be. He freaked out at first. Badly. I told him that if he didn’t want to be apart of the babies life I would understand. But we figured it out and made it work. Arguments would happen because I expected him to be a lot happier and enthusiastic about it, however he argued that because he had bought his own house now, and given the lack of stability in our relationship and our parents opinions on our relationship, it was hard for him to get excited. As my pregnancy went on, his verbal, mental and emotional abusive tendencies came back. I have lots and lots of screenshots of messages he would send me. They were horrific. He’d comment on my parenting, would specifically stress me out by arguing with me and then claim I was a horrible parent because I was causing our baby stress. He threatened to go full custody on more than one occasion, he also threatened to have nothing to do with the baby on more than one occasion. He would constantly threaten to end the relationship when he would get his own way, then refuse to leave. Then he’d tell me to pack his stuff. Then he’d start begging me to forgive him. He’d accuse me of cheating. Whilst I was pregnant with his baby. He told me he wanted a DNA test because he didn’t believe it was his. He would say absolutely horrible stuff to me, then when I’d be like I’m done texting you, fuck you, fuck off etc, he’d be like oh how nice of you. Even though he’d spent the last 10 minutes calling me an idiot, cunt, slut, shit mum etc etc. He’d cause an argument, push me to my limits, threaten to break up with me then be like ‘am I coming over tonight?’ As if he hadn’t spent the last few texts calling me every name he could think of. He’d be so angry, then he’d calm down and expect me to just forgive him, then when I didn’t he’d go straight back to being angry and abusive. Rinse and repeat. Told me I was making him look like a cunt. That I was malicious and I didn’t give a shit about him. Would tell me to either ‘grow up and end it or be a doormat. To pick it and life with it’ he’d said that me getting in certain types of moods (not wanting to arguing and telling him I wasn’t going to text him) that he thinks I’m capable of anything and that’s why he wanted a dna test. He’d say ‘tbf I’ll just turn up and do what I want, so see you later doormat’. He would make comments hinting that he was going to cheat on me to get a reaction. Oh!! And also; whenever we would break up he woud start messaging other girls for attention, then delete them when we’d get back together because he wouldn’t want me to take something the wrong way and it to cause an argument. Like I genuinely have a gut feeling that he hasn’t cheated on me, but I’m not dumb enough to believe he didn’t flirt like crazy with other people. At one point he tried messaging my sister to blame me for why he wasn’t at my nephews birthday party and legit tried to turn her against me.

And then he started to get physical with me. He’s never hit me. Not yet. He knows that that really is pushing the boundaries and I would straight up leave him and he’d never see me or the kids again. But one night I wasn’t looking at him like he wanted me too during an argument, so he grabbed my arm extremely tight with one hand, and my face with the other, also very tight, to make me look at him. He did the same thing a few nights later. I was heavily pregnant at the time. Another time during the argument I wouldn’t let him upstairs and he said to me ‘if you don’t move I’m going to get physical with you.’ Like straight up threatened me whilst I was heavily pregnant with his kid. I honestly don’t think it’ll be much longer until he does hit me.

There is still so much to write that I am missing, and I’m still not caught up to the current time and place. But it’s 10:50 and I have the school run to do. So I will continue this tomorrow. Goodnight.

[broadwaycantdie]

Disneyland / Part 2...The Destination! - Newsies (Pride) Month . Day 9

( all ) + ( modern ) + ( hc story )

a/n: i wanna go to disneyland so bad // also ah disney has pride merch now that’s so cute ! // ps. i will not make a 3rd part of the ride home cause that’s already too much lmao i just had a lot of fun with the road trip part i wanted to split it up

( this is part two of them actually at disneyland, click here for the road trip and journey of them getting here...it’s a wild one )

warnings: none

background: Every year the newsies all get together and go on their annual Disneyland trip. They drive from Manhattan to Anaheim because it’s cheaper than buying 20+ plane tickets. They also have a collective jar in the lodging house that everyone puts money into to help pay. Davey plans the whole thing for months and somehow things still go wrong. It’s never not a wild ride with their family. But every year they still enjoy it.

——————————————————————————

before they left the hotel, Davey made them plan everything out

it wasn’t a strict plan, but he knew that total freedom meant total chaos

he made a set of rules

rule #1 : you cannot be alone, stay with your buddy or a group at all times

rule #2 : meet back at the entrance after the fireworks so everyone can be counted and we can find people who are lost or don’t make it back in time and we can go to the hotel together

rule #3 : have fun

of course Davey would add “have fun” as a rule

he’d forget if he didn’t

they could barely sleep, everyone was so excited

so they got to the parks bright and early at 8am

they grouped themselves off

they ended up with 6 main groups

Jack, Davey, Bill, Darcy, Katherine, Sarah, and Les

Crutchie, Buttons, Henry, and Kenny

Specs, Romeo, Jojo, and Tommy Boy

Smalls, Sniper, and Finch

Mush and Kid Blink

Spot, Race, Albert, Elmer, Mike, Ike, Hotshot, Bart, and Myron

sometimes people broke into smaller groups depending on who wanted to go on what rides, when someone wanted to eat or didn’t, or when some people just wanted to be alone together

the smaller groups stayed together the whole time—Smalls’ group, Crutchie’s group, and Mush’s group—but the bigger groups sometime split up

especially Spot’s group

they started together but by the 3rd ride they split up

they would periodically meet up throughout the day to eat or ride certain rides

mainly the couples split up and the single friends stayed together

Davey and Jack left their group for a little while unexpectedly and it was actually Albert who found them making out in a bathroom stall

“Oh! So it’s like that now, huh? Way to go guys! Didn’t know you had it in ya!”

“You’re not gonna tell anyone, right, Dasilva? You know we aren’t usually like this...it just kinda happened yanno, happiest place on Earth and, uh, we were feeling that.”

“Oh, I can tell! Might wanna pick some tighter pants next time, Jacobs!”

the cocky bastard walked out, finally having something on Davey

he’d never let them live that down

Smalls’ favorite ride is Peter Pan’s Flight

they love that ride with all their heart and their group didn’t mind waiting in like for 45 minutes just to ride it

everyone—and i mean everyone—played heads up while waiting in line

it was just a given—that’s what you do

Race, Spot, Albert, and Elmer all got in a teacup together

it was absolutely chaos

while everyone else spun along nicely and enjoyed the ride

these boys used all of their combined strength—which was a lot—and spun themselves as fast as possible the whole time

Ike almost got sick just watching them

Katherine is a rollercoaster junkie

she rides every coaster and can’t get enough

Sarah also liked rollercoasters!

just not as much

but she does ride every one with Katherine and boy do they have fun

“Wow, I haven’t screamed that much since we left”

Katherine almost choked

( they shared a “special” night together right before they left so they could get a fill and not be as tempted like some other people )

everyone bought ears

it was like an unspoken rule that you had to get a pair every year

this year was special though

this was the first year that disney released its pride collection

so of course everyone was on that

Race spent most of his money on pride merch

he got rainbow shirt, ears, sunglasses, socks, and a pin

he was so happy about the collection, Spot secretly bought a pair of earrings from it and put one in just to see the look of joy on his boyfriends face

it was worth the money

Crutchie ate so many churros

half of his money went to just churros

worth it tho

Bill and Darcy really liked The Little Mermaid ride

obviously

Bill’s love of fish and Darcy’s love of mythical creatures

what other ride would they like more?

they cuddled up close in the seashell and watched the ride play out with so much happiness in their eyes

Sarah and Katherine took the iconic photo of “let’s kiss in front of the castle” and it was the cutest goddamn thing of all time

Mush and Kid Blink made out on Rodger Rabbit’s Cartoon Spin ride

but what’s new

everyone at some point rode Splash Mountain

it’d be a sin if you didn’t

Spot and Race rode it together

Race made Spot sit up front cause his big body could block most of the water

also because Spot was wearing a white t-shirt

“Damn, babe! You haven’t been that wet since the car ride here!”

Specs, Romeo, Jojo, and Tommy Boy all rode the Matterhorn together

and Specs glasses flew off his face during one of the quick turns

after the ride everyone was panicking but he just calmly pulled out a second pair of glasses from his backpack and continued on with his day; unbothered

Crutchie would never admit if his leg hurt but about halfway through the day while walking to the next ride he fell

his leg just gave out and he just sat on the floor trying not to cry

everyone with him helped him up and Buttons got him a wheelchair

it wasn’t all bad though

Crutchie and Buttons got to go to the front of all the lines!

somehow everyone got the idea to meet in toontown at the same time

everyone decided to get embroidered hats

most people got their name or the date or something cute

like Mush and Kid Blink got matching ones that said “Blush”

or how Kenny got one that said “Ken-Ken” cause that’s his nickname of his nickname

and Jojo and Tommy Boy got each other’s pet names on theirs—Jojo’s says “Darling” and Tommy Boy’s says “Sweetheart”

while Jack and Davey got the date of when they first met because it was instantly love at first sight

but some of these dumbasses...are dumbasses

Hotshot would never stoop down to that level of stupidity

so he got together the Brooklyn Boys and got hats that said just that

Mike and Ike have been dumbasses since birth

so their hats got their full names on them

you know

Mike’s said “Michael and Ichael”

and Ike’s said “Isaac and Misaac”

“Those aren’t your real names!”

“And? How would you know my names not Michael Misaac Garcia? And his isn’t Isaac Ichael Garcia? Huh?”

“I—“

Albert and Elmer didn’t get anything too crazy

but they did get a something that just they would understand

they got the date of the day they lost their virginity to each other

and when people ask they just say it’s the first time they said “i love you” to each other

and now Spot and Race

do these boys have ANY chill? ever?

they literally got a sex joke on theirs

Spot’s said “Calvary’s Coming”

and Race’s said “I’m Calvary”

dumbasses

but to even it out, they also got cute ones

cause they are a couple who can do both

so they got “tu sei amore” and “you are love “ on their second pair—Race’s was in Italian because that’s how he always says it to Spot to make him swoon, and Spot’s is the same in English for when he repeats it back

everyone was so scared of getting lost or losing someone

not only because that’s completely terrifying

but because Davey would never let them hear the end of it

for extra caution, some people held hands to not be separated—Katherine and Sarah, Jojo and Tommy Boy, Mush and Kid Blink, Bill and Darcy—some just had a mutual understanding to not wonder off—Specs and Romeo, Jack and Davey, Hotshot and Mike, Albert and Elmer—and some...well not some...just Race

Race was on a fucking leash

like one of those monkey backpacks with the leash for children who wander off

cause every year Race gets lost so this year no one was gonna risk it

Spot holds on to the leash and everytime Race starts running towards another ride he yanks him back

he’s fallen a few times

and every time, mr. dramatic himself will pull the “woe is me” routine and wouldn’t get up until Spot lifted him up

he tried to get Spot to carry him and it only worked once when he actually cut his knee on the ground

it might’ve looked weird but hey, at least Race didn’t get lost this year

when it got dark they all went to the firework show and watched the magic

all the couples decided to be cute and take the “kissing my partner at the fireworks” pics

and they were all fucking adorable

some were soft and cute while others were a little saucier

but they all came out really good

they all met up where Davey told them to meet and they actually all made it there in one piece!

what a surprise! actually!

they all went back to the hotel full of joy, love, and happiness

and they couldn’t wait to go back next year <3

[sierrabinondo]

woodland creatures - day 4 (orlando pt. 2)

was i excited to be on tour? yes. was i also super nervous about going on tour before leaving? also yes.

was i excited to go to disney springs? Y E S. was it the one thing i knew i could look forward to even if i sucked at every fucking show??? 

B I G  Y E S. 

my poor bandmates. i said the night before, “hey, i just realized, we never actually really discussed going to disney springs.” and they were like, “yeah.”

but! we went anyway!!! bless their hearts!!!

the morning after staying up and partying was rough. i had the NASTIEST hangover. my headache was so severe that i couldn’t even fall back asleep following 5 hours of rest. i popped some advil and tried to get a couple more hours in but it was impossible, so i just got up and showered. the guys brought back panera for lunch, and then once everyone was ready we were off to disney springs. i could tell everyone was worried it was gonna be lame, i felt it in the air lmao. i was also worried i was leading them to a miserable afternoon in the hot florida weather. but i figured if they hated it we could always leave.

we pull up to disney springs and there is some semblance of what i remembered from the last time i was there but also a lot that i DID NOT recognize. the parking garages were definitely new. they had sensors over each parking spot that could indicate whether or not a car was in the spot, and it would update an LED screen outside the entrance with how many spots were available on each floor. i thought that was really cool. there were gardens on the sides of the garages too. we then go up some stairs and down an escalator to get in, and hooooly shit i was blown away. there was a brand new area that had a fountain and all of the shops looked reminiscent of spanish architecture. it was so beautiful. 

we got group pictures in front of the fountain, and then i decided to get a happy birthday pin from guest relations lmfao. i wanted to see if i could get any free shit by just waltzing around with a birthday pin on. i was unsuccessful but i had never been in or near disney on my birthday anyways so i just rolled with it. we started to the right and went to world of disney, marketplace co-op, the lego store and the pin trading shop. 

i was completely overwhelmed by how big all of the stores were. there was so much cool shit. i really thought i would have an easy time abstaining from spending money, since my sister was literally just there and got me the one thing i wanted, but i did NOT. at world of disney i bought ANOTHER pair of minnie ears, the rose gold sparkly ones lmfao. not usually my style, but there weren’t any others i was crazy about. joe got a shirt and ryan bought some stuff for his girlfriend christina. i wanted clothes but i decided to wait to see if there might be better merchandise elsewhere.

we moved on to marketplace co-op and i immediately found a disney world long sleeve shirt i loved so i grabbed that. i alsoooo balled out and got a print of the most beautiful mulan painting i have ever seen. it was a depiction of one of my favorite parts in the movie, when she is singing reflection and chops off her fuckin hair, but in the garden instead of the shrine. that movie means very very much to me as an asian american!!! besides that i got emperor’s new groove patches later on in the afternoon and that was all i spent my money on. $138 later. yeesh.

my friends eton and jeri who came to the show the night before wanted to meet up for food and drinks, so i walked over to frontera cucina. i thought maybe my bandmates might join us but they weren’t hungry and it was more of a sit down place, so we parted ways for an hour. i hadn’t seen eton and jeri since they moved down to orlando in january, holy shit. it was so good to hang out with them. we caught up and enjoyed some really good lunch. i ordered a gin and tonic that had a whole ass cucumber peel wrapped around the glass and pork belly tacos. i bugged out bad because eton wouldn’t let me pay nor could i get his venmo from jeremiah to cover my portion. it was so sweet of them to treat me. i met them through jeremiah, i always tell him how much i love his friends and how they’ve become my friends the more we all hang out together. it sucks our time was so damn brief but i’m just glad i got to see them.

after late lunch i met back up with everyone and we walked around a little longer, but i mistakenly let us stay a little later and lost track of time. it was just about time to start heading over to hail the sun. i felt really bad because people mentioned wanting to go swimming or take a nap and i effectively robbed everyone of any allotted leisure activity time by wanting to gallavant around more. i was definitely just as wiped as everyone, but i hadn’t been back to disney in forever. we hurried back to the van and drove back to kissimmee. 

pulses. had been grilling and chillin at the airbnb all day, so they were ready for the gig when we got back. we got back just in time to leave when they did, like 15 minutes before. we both hopped in our respective vehicles and we were off. they always dropped snails in the tour chat and called us with snails ahead because we were slow with the van lmfao but it’s not MY FAULT the shit is SO HUGE damnit. i drove the van to the gig with josef, jaime and kris while ryan and santino stayed home. 

it’s interesting to go to a show in another state, it does feel pretty weird to go somewhere unfamiliar, but it really does feel the same as attending a show at home. people really are pretty much the same everywhere else, just different geographical locations and climates. the gig was really good but the venue was SO SMALL. too small. i like the soundbar but i might like it better if you didn’t have to wade your way through a crowd of swamp ass to get to the bathrooms alllll the way on the other side of the venue opposite of the entrance. plus, it got so packed that it was really difficult to be near the stage, let alone inside the building. for most of the show the 10 of us camped out in a really great spot near the bathrooms that wasn’t getting too much traffic and had its own bar so we stayed there.

we were at the show where sergio broke his headstock. i don’t think i’ve ever seen a show where sergio stands still the entire time, in the dozens of times i’ve seen him play. he was so close to that monitor/the ceiling but i didn’t suspect his guitar was going to break. i completely missed it because i was looking down at my phone (womp) but i heard everyone audibly gasp. that sucks dude. i think that was the only bummer the whole show though besides the heat and some sloppy drunks. pulses. are friends with zach garren so he was hanging out near us here and there throughout the night. daisy came to the gig so she came and found us, we hung out for a good portion of the show, too! it was a really good chance to talk more too after the gig the night before. she told us a lot about what the florida scene is like. we told her it’s infinitely better than the tri-state area LMAO. at least like, people show up to shows and STAY on a monday night which is insane. and then joseph arrington is a friend of ours so he said hi a couple times during the gig, afterwards him and i talked more when it was quieter. 

it is one of the greatest honors in my entire life that joseph arrington sees me as a homie. writing this under the presumption he’s never gonna see this lmao, but i have to pinch myself sometimes. we’ve been friends since we played the last ALLB tour september 2017. i introduced myself and mentioned that we had opened for sianvar’s 2016 tour at webster hall and he actually remembered us. ryan also introduced himself as one of his patreon donors and they talked for like 45 minutes. that show he asked for a CD (and it was years in waiting our older album too yikes lol there’s bangers on there but it doesn’t sound like us anymore) and he messaged me later that night like, “we’re listening in the van right now, you’re a great singer”. we’ve hung out at gigs a couple more times, whether we played together or either ryan or i went to go see him play. the fact he considers us peers is one of the most validating things i have. i’ve learned a lot of helpful insight from him. i have tremendous respect for him and couldn’t be more grateful that he actually likes us as musicians and as people. 

all of the bands of course were awesome, i couldn’t stand the heat enough to be inside for every single hail the sun song but i caught most of their set. it’s pretty insane to see them blow up like they have. they deserve it. and i think donovan is one of the best vocalists i’ve ever heard. that whole camp of blue swan musicians are just so talented. 

josef, jaime and kris graciously waited outside for me to finish talking to joe arrington, and during that time josef actually caught will swan outside. he said he had the chance to tell will swan deathstar is the reason he plays music and it made him very happy to do so. it had happened like a little bit before i came back outside. we then got lost trying to find the van and hilariously passed the actual entrance to the parking garage like 3 times. it was literally across the street and i led them around the block twice. 

we went back to the airbnb for one more swim and we almost had another super late night legit just talking to pulses. kris sat outside editing photos while some of the guys swam, some of us just sat with our feet in the pool. when we got back ryan and santino had been sleeping and i think i maybe saw santino get up once to go to the bathroom. i did really want to go to sleep but ughhhhh i also thought to myself, i can sleep when i get home from tour. i get really bad FOMO every day of my life. so we stayed up and we talked about all things dance gavin dance, blue swan, our local scene, and bein in a band. it’s insane how alike we all are in our way of thinking. i also find it hard to open up to other bands though because it seems like no one else sees playing music and trying to grow a band the way we do. i just wanted to eat up any time i could bonding with pulses., taylor and tyler. thankfully we weren’t up until 4 am again but legit any time up spending time with all of my friends was worth it.

[anicegaystory]

Proceed with Caution

What is a good adventure without misadventure? When have you ever heard tales of a journey without its appropriate amount of hurdles? More importantly, when have you ever heard tell of a story about two young girls, at the cusp of their 20s, travelling Europe without AT LEAST one tale of a creepy dude? Zero. Zero times you’ve heard that story.

For my first tale, I wanted to get one of the creepiest out of the way. It’s not meant to spook you from jetting off on your own pilgrimage, but simply to prepare you to be aware of your surroundings and the people in them. Sure, looking back on it, I do laugh a little about it, but that is because we are safe now and oh boy were we small town naive idiots! Truth be told, it was such a surreal, and I guess traumatic experience, I honestly almost completely blocked the whole thing out! Brains are weird like that eh? I had to rely almost entirely on Sam for this one. So buckle up!

After what I can only describe as one of the most memorable 24 hours in Berlin, Sam and I …

… I should probably take a moment here to explain to all of you who may not know who Sam is!

Samantha Vanderaa (Soon to be Samantha Skauge! Woo!), is not only one of my first cousins, but has always been one of my closest friends.

I believe it was late 2010 when she decided that she wanted to travel Europe with me before I flew back home to Canada after having been living in England for the better part of 2 years. I had recently gone through a rough patch/break up/I don’t even fucking know with my first girlfriend, and Sam was going to be my knight in shining armour. We planned almost all of the trip via facebook chat, and although I am sure I will be composing a post entirely about how important that was to me, for now let’s just say it was super fucking important to me.

Alright where were we? Right! Berlin, Germany, July 2011. Packing up our rucksacks and mentally preparing for a 15 hour train journey to Florence, Italy. After having been out the night before on the most eventful pub crawl of my damn life, this was quite daunting. We were tired, we were dirty, and, unfortunately, NOT INTERESTED in some famous German sausage for brekkie.

As far as I remember, the first leg wasn’t too bad. I was pretty dozy, but I do remember flashes of incredible castles nestled in enormous rolling hills between Berlin and Munich. It was after the train switch in Munich where things got a bit dicey.

We were extremely cheap and stretched EVERY dollar for the entirety of this trip, so after purchasing a EuroRail Pass pre-trip, we assumed we shouldn’t need to budget anything for travel costs outside of snacks. This was the second time we were made quite aware that was not the case and after travelling from Amsterdam to Berlin on the floor outside of a bathroom, we decided to shell out a few Euros for this ride! So, we chose the cheapest option, a standard car (very much like what you would see in Harry Potter).

After getting settled, we were pretty pleased with the arrangement, and as the departure time was approaching, it was looking like we were going to have the car to ourselves. No such luck.

Two men joined us in the final moments before leaving the station. This was extremely unfortunate as we, thinking we would have the place to ourselves, were sitting across from each other causing each man to have to sit next to us. This was our first poor decision.

The men did not appear to be travelling together, because they never spoke to each other and one of them sat down next to me and almost immediately appeared to fall asleep which is how he remained for the entirety of the ride. Being as hungover as I was, and the general exhaustion of the first 8 hours of travel, I also started to doze off. The other guy sat next to Sam.

At this point, Sam just popped her headphones in with the hopes that she could just make it to Florence listening only to the sounds of her premade travel playlists. A pipedream apparently, as the man next to her just wanted to talk, and wow did he have a lot of questions for her. He even had the gall to ask if he could listen to her music with her!

At some point, all of this odd exchange had woken me up, and from that point on we were both on high alert. There was just something really “off” about him. He kept asking extremely particular questions about where we were going, what we were doing when we got there and where we were planning to stay. We did our best to play dumb, saying we really weren’t sure yet and that we were just figuring things out as we went. This was all obviously a lie, I mean there were some places that we definitely just flew by the seat of our shorts, but this was not one of those times.

He began to urge us to go with him and stay at his sister’s place for free, telling us that he would sort out a ride when we got to the station and to not worry about anything, just go with him when we stopped.

WELL, as I’m sure you all agree, no fucking thank you, SIR!

At one point he told us that he was going to grab something to eat and asked if we wanted anything. We didn’t. Once he left, we grabbed our shit and BOLTED.

We managed to find a sort of storage car full of bikes and junk, and hunkered down in the far back corner together. We even made a makeshift wall with our packs.

“I remember just being huddled up together watching Alice in Wonderland on the screen of my iPod classic [...] just trying to stay awake and trying to hide from this guy.”

- Sam

We honestly really thought we had escaped him and fully intended on staying right where we were until we hit Florence, but then he randomly showed up in the storage car and just started shouting at us. He kept telling us how disrespectful we were for disappearing, how he was looking everywhere for us and that he was just trying to be a nice guy and show some hospitality and that he bought us Kit Kat bars.

So, at this point, we are properly freaked the hell out and trying to explain to him that we just went for a walk to stretch our legs and that we would be back in a bit. Just doing and saying whatever we could to not be trapped alone with him in the back corner of a fucking storage car!

He warned that if we were not back to our seats, in the standard car that we chose to pay for to experience a little comfort, in fifteen minutes, he would be back to find us because, “there are creeps on this train and it isn’t appropriate for two young girls to be alone.”

What a freaking Saint, am I right?!

Anyways, we spent that fifteen minutes just weighing our options and trying not to have simultaneous panic attacks. Obviously we can’t stay here, alone in a storage car without witnesses, he knows where to find us. We can’t find somewhere else to sit we already glanced in the other cabins to find them all full up. What do we do?!

We landed on jumping off wherever the train stopped, if it made another stop during that fifteen. It didn’t. Maybe y’all have a better idea, but at this time, we decided to gather our shit and go back to our original seats. Where he was. Because we are really just so stupid.

He continued to be really needy/creepy, as expected, but this time we sat side by side, cuddled up together and did our best to ignore him.

When the train FINALLY stopped in Florence, after what felt like a damn eternity, he continued to aggressively urge us to go with him to his sister’s place and would not take No for an answer. He instructed us to stay put while he called her from the payphone. He walked over, popped in his coins and stared at us across the platform.

During this time another train had arrived and the crowd of people disembarking wandered through between us and him and at the same time he seemed somewhat distracted by his phone conversation. We decided that this was our moment to escape whatever the hell he had planned for us, good intentions or not, and we just ran. We ran as fast as we possibly could, even though we hadn’t slept all night, even though we were carrying half of our body weight in bags on our backs, adrenaline powered us all the way to the first bus we could find. We jumped on just as it was about to leave the station. We had literally no idea where it was going and we didn’t care. As the bus rolled out of the station’s lot, we could see our creepy friend searching for us on the platform as we hunched down in our seats leering cautiously out the window.

We only rode for a couple of stops before we decided to jump off and figure out where we were and how to get to our hostel. To our misfortune, we found ourselves in a relatively desolate area and it was mid-July in Italy. Now, I’m not sure if many of you understand what that means to two Canadian girls so let me just lay it out for you. It was STUPID fucking hot!

We spent the next 45 minutes lugging our packs around in the incredible heat before we managed to land a cab to take us to Camping Firenze Hostel (which was fucking incredible by the way).

In conclusion, we definitely could have handled all of that better. But, I don’t regret what we did do because even though we had to endure the most heat either of us had ever experienced (I’m not kidding folks! It was DUMB hot!) while lugging all of our shit around, we made it. We made it safely to Florence. We soaked up it’s beauty, relaxed in it’s slow pace and recharged our batteries for our next great adventure.

I am curious to know though, how do you think you would have handled that situation? How do you think we did?

If you’re a returning reader, Thanks for coming man! I really appreciate it. I laid this out as a project where I would write 1000 words for each photo, but this one ended up a tad winded at almost 2000 words. Sorry about that. I’m sure that will happen from time to time. Anywho, thanks for dropping in again, hope to see you back!

[nightglider124]

Japan: My Trip

Thought I’d put together a little photo diary of my two weeks in Japan because why not and I just like to share with my tumblr pals.

Read on to find out what I got up to.

Sunday 13th May

This was the day I flew out to Japan. I packed my bag and was ready to leave at 11am UK time. I’m not gonna lie to ya’ll, I was an emotional mess, leaving my family behind. 

You should know, I’ve never been on a trip without my family and I’ve never been out of Europe. So, going out to Japan with just my best friend was a big thing for me. So, was pretty tearful and then my mum like burst into tears; she’s a worrier. 

Anyway, my dad dropped me off at the airport to meet my bestie and we did all the boring airport stuff and soon enough, we were on the plane. The sky is ridiculously pretty at different times during an overnight flight or at least, a flight that crosses different time zones. 

Pretty uneventful. I mostly ate, slept and wrote chapter 1 of CTD: Bound. 

Monday 14th May

So, I arrived in Japan’s Narita airport at 11am.

Then I went up and grabbed my suitcase as well as going and grabbing my pocket wifi - Something that is tremendously helpful if you go to Japan. I don’t know what it’s like for you guys but in London, I pretty much have wifi anywhere I go whereas in Japan, it wasn’t as easy to come across; at least not for free. 

The pocket wifi was a godsend. It can connect up to 10 devices and it lasts all day long when fully charged. Now, there were a couple times it tapped out but you just need to turn it off and turn it on again. 

It cost about £60 for 2 weeks but if you’re going with people, it works out better. Me and my friend split it so we only paid £30 each but very worth it.

But, yeah, defo recommend this for anyone who is going to Japan. It was a big help, especially when needing to look up locations and/or directions.

Next, we went and grabbed our Japan rail passes which look like so:

This was probably the best thing I bought for Japan. Not even joking. 

Even if you aren’t going very far, this thing helps so much. It’s a pass that allows you to use any trains that are owned by the JR company which is a fair amount that helps you get around Tokyo and surrounding districts. Note: You have to buy it before you fly to Japan and take the exchange form that comes in the post with you to Japan. You exchange it at the airport and they give you the passes above. Just make double sure your passport has been stamped because otherwise, they won’t let you have it. 

Anyway, this was £310 for 2 weeks but again: WORTH IT. It does depend on what you’re doing but me and my friend were out and using transport every single day. We also went far. We went to Hiroshima, Kyoto and Osaka - All covered by the passes. And for example, £310 is basically a return ticket to Kyoto so you are already making your money back. 

So, we picked these up and using them, hopped on the shinkansen (bullet train) to Shinjuku (Sound familiar, Titan fans? Yes, it’s the ‘roughest part of town’ according to Robin in the Trouble in Tokyo movie). It took about an hour and then we checked into our hotel which was: Shinjuku Prince Hotel.

It was a really nice hotel actually. The staff were friendly and spoke really good English. I recommend staying here; it’s right in the heart of busy Shinjuku and was only 5 mins from the station. We booked a deluxe twin room because two rooms worked out more expensive and it was not too shabby at all. I didn’t actually take any pictures so I snubbed some off google.

Anyway, we were running a little late and we had tickets to the Studio Ghibli museum so naturally, I was freaking out because the website expresses that they are strict on being on time for your slot. I nearly had a breakdown because... dunno if ya’ll remember but I had a right time trying to get a hold of these tickets. They sell out so quickly it is unreal. Anyway, our slot was 4pm and they only allow you to be 30 mins late. 

We arrived at 4:50pm and I was close to tears as I ran into the park it’s situated in. I was so annoyed and so scared they weren’t going to let us in. But...

They did!! The guy was so sweet; I think he could see by my face how much I wanted to go inside. He was like all smiley and was like it’s okay, go on in. I was like THANK YOU JESUS. Here are some photos:

They don’t allow photography inside to preserve the magic of visiting. And honestly, it was so nice inside. It felt just like a Ghibli movie and seeing the animation process and the short film and the original drawings... it was all so amazing. Being a Ghibli fan makes this 1000% better but it’s still great for people who aren’t as into it. My friend isn’t really into Ghibli movies but she thought it was still pretty cool whereas there was me in like awe over all of it.

Anyway, we stayed there about an hour and as you can imagine, we were frazzled af. We were tired from the flight but I wanted us to force ourselves to stay up so jet lag wasn’t as much a problem. 

After, we made our way back to Shinjuku where I took some pics from my hotel room:

Then we grabbed some McDonalds which was literally just across from us; something quick so we didn’t starve. I facetimed my family, showered and fell asleep.

Tuesday 15th May

So, the first full day we were there, it was a more chilled, sightseeing day. Nothing too taxing and we felt a lot more refreshed after a proper sleep.

First, we went and checked out the Tokyo Imperial Palace which was really pretty but we couldn’t go inside. It was mega hot the entire time we were in Japan; I thought I’d die. I hate the heat.

And because I was out in the heat all day and didn’t think to put suncream on... yeah, you can see where this is going... 

More on that later, because then we carried on to the Yasukuni shrine which is just down the street from the East Gardens of the palace. 

The shrine was cool and everything was so pretty; very tranquil and peaceful.

In the afternoon, we headed over to the Sunshine City mall in Ikebukuro where I forced my friend into the Pokemon Centre Store which was LIT.

I was fucking excited, ya’ll. I got some really cute stuff too. Got myself some Mimikyu chopsticks, an Eevee tail key holder, a Pikachu glasses case, a Pikachu makeup bag and a little Mimikyu figure bc Mimikyu is a fave and I have no cool stuff with it on. 

I also got my brother most of his souvenirs in here because we have loved Pokemon since the dawn of time. I mean, we’ve fallen out of it in recent years because all the new gen pokemon etc... we’re more for the original pokemon and original series and games. Seriously, when kids come up to me like, do you even know Pokemon I’m like bitch step back you don’t even KNOW. It’s like I got a Pokemon CD for my brother and it had a japanese version of one of the songs from the first movie and we were like screaming. That film man, don’t even look at me.

Ahem... the Pokemon store was so wicked but mega expensive like shit son. Glad I took so much money with me because I NEEDED IT.

After the Pokemon store, we went down a level to the Studio Ghibli store where I didn’t get as much stuff as I thought I was gonna. 

But, I got a Spirited Away fan with No Face on it, a Totoro and No face figure as well as a Totoro bib and hat for my niece. 

Then we went and had fooood where I noticed... I was extremely sunburnt... Like in the below pic, you can’t see it that much because it hadn’t really come out full pelt yet.

Pls ignore my hamster face but see my chest? Burny burny burnt burnt. I got back to the hotel later that night and I had the shakes where it was hot and all the heat was there rather than all over. It was horrible.

I’m lucky I decided to wear full on makeup that day otherwise my face would have gotten buuurnt. Well done, Estee Lauder foundation, well done.

But yeah, it wasn’t the best end to the day because then I was all uncomfortable and my skin was sensitive and I was mad at myself for not putting on cream so then I got all upset and cried but I think I was still tired from the journey too and I was overwhelmed but yeah; kinda sucked.

Other than the sunburn, I also didn’t pack shorts for under my dress so my thighs rubbed and were in agony as well as my vans gave me like 4 blisters on each foot so I couldn’t walk or at least was in extreme pain when I tried so getting back to the hotel was a damn hoot.

Besides all that, it was a pretty good day!

Wednesday 16th

This was the day we trekked all the way down to Hiroshima which is like a 5 hour journey by train. We had to take two trains but it was actually not too bad. It certainly didn’t feel like it took that long to get down to Hiroshima. 

One thing I will say about longer train journeys; remember to reserve a seat. Some like the one from Narita Airport are reserve only so you have to reserve a seat for it. But, others don’t need it and have “non reserved” cars but mark my words, if you’re travelling on these trains at a busy time, it really pays off to reserve a seat. We didn’t for Hiroshima and whilst we found seats for the 3 hour part of the journey; on the second train, we had to stand for like 45 minutes because there were no seats and then even when we did get to sit down, it was separated so yeah; book your train seats, people.

Once we arrived in Hiroshima, we hopped on a ferry which took us to Miyajima island. It’s about a 10 minute journey and once again, it’s covered by the JR pass. I loved that thing to death not even kidding.

Here’s some pictures I took on the ride over:

This island is home to the big red Torii gate that people may know of. I picked up some cute souvenirs and ate katsu. And there were even deer roaming around the place! A couple got married too whilst we were visiting and it was so nice. Again, it was mega hot so I was dying from that aspect but otherwise, I could live on this little island.

Unfortunately, we spent so much time at the island; we didn’t get round to doing the two other things we had planned which were seeing Hiroshima Castle and the Atomic dome memorial. I was kinda bummed by not seeing those but the last train was at 5pm and we weren’t staying the night so we had to get said train. It was okay though; it’s something to add to the list of things to see when I eventually revisit.

We got back at about 10pm and then it was lights out because we were exhausted.

Thursday 17th May

This was another sightseeing day that was fairly local considering we were pretty tired from Hiroshima still. 

We traveled over to Asakusa which has the lovely Senso-ji temple and shrine. It was really cute, the walk up to the temple is lined with all these little shops and souvenir like places which have charms and fans etc. Really nice.

Inside, they do this thing where you pay 100 yen and you shake a metal box that contains lots of sticks with numbers on. When you bring out a stick, you find the number it matches and you bring out the fortune. You get a good fortune, regular fortune or bad fortune. I got myself a regular ol’ fortune XD. 

But, they also have this rack so that if you get a bad fortune, you tie it to the rack to rid yourself of the bad fortune whereas a good or regular one; you would carry it with you.

Other than that, we hung out and then went back to our hotel for a while before heading out again to check out the nightlife of the area. Everything was mega lit up and was so nice. We went and grabbed dinner and also went and got crepes. They were a m a z i n g. Like they were so good ugh. 

After that, went back, showered and slept. Pretty uneventful day; just being touristy. 

Friday 18th May

Again, more sightseeing on this day. We went and saw the Tokyo Metropolitan Building and looked out over Tokyo.

Then, we went to the Meiji Shrine.

Aaand lastly, we went to Shibuya for the evening.

Yes, those are people dressed as characters from Mario Kart driving in the streets of Tokyo. This place was crazy. XD

After seeing the crossing scramble that is so infamous, we trekked back to the hotel and fell asleep.

Saturday 19th May

This day we literally went on trains all day to collect stamps. In Japan, they do these things called Eki stamps which are stamps you can find at stations, museums, shrines, tourist spots etc.

I haven’t got any pictures of mine but i got like 50 of them whilst I was in Japan. Going on one train line at all the stops got me like 30. 

We had nothing else planned on this day so my friend suggested the collecting stamps XD.

Sunday 20th May

This was one of my two absolute favourite days whilst I was there. It was the day I went and saw Mt Fuji and went into Aokigahara forest. 

It was approx 2 hours from Tokyo but we’d booked a tour instead of trying to do it ourselves. It worked out a lot easier. When we reached the highest point you can go to on Mt Fuji, by vehicle anyway, we had 30 mins to sightsee. We took pictures and went into the souvenir shop etc. 

My god, it was so frickin’ cold up there. Obviously. We were high off the ground like shit, it was freezing. But, pretty pictures.

We then went caving in an ice cave that is iced over all year round and is not usually open to the public. 

After that, we were taken back to Shinjuku where we grabbed food and went back to sleeeep.

Monday 21st May

We went to Kyoto on this day. We managed to see all we wanted to as well but then again, Kyoto was only a 2 and a bit hour train ride away.

When we got there, we saw the Fushimi Inari Taisha.

They were pretty but boy, was there a lot of people. I had to wait for so long to get pictures with none of very few people in it.

Then, we headed over to Kinkaku-ji which is this golden temple.

Again, very pretty.

Lastly, we checked out the Arashiyama Bamboo grove which was pretty also.

After that, we headed home to our hotel. We had an exciting day the next day.

Tuesday 22nd May

TOKYO DISNEYLAND, BITCHES.

I was excited and I can see why people hype Disneyland up. No matter which one you visit, there is this big sense of nostalgia and magic. It was unforgettable and wasn’t half as busy as some theme parks get here. But, I suppose we did go on a Tuesday.

Would hate to see it on a weekend.

The mike melonbread was delicious <3

Disneyland catered to the childish side of me and I loved every single bit of it. <3

Wednesday 23rd May

On this day, we visited Osaka which is about the same sorta time out from Tokyo as Kyoto is. Again, not too much going on. We checked out Osaka Castle.

And then, we checked out Dotonbori which was also very cool.

After that, we headed back to Tokyo. There wasn’t too much we were desperate to see in Osaka and it was raining which wasn’t the nicest.

Thursday 24th May

Last full day meant Harajuku and Shibuya for shopping day. I haven’t got any pictures but omg we went and did those purikura photo things? They are hilarious. It was funny doing them but even looking at them; they funny XD

I bought a bunch of stuff for myself as well as my family as souvenirs. It was funnn. 

Friday 25th May

The day I flew home to London :(. I was sad to leave Japan but I was really happy to be coming home. No matter how much you may call your country a shit place, there’s no place like home. 

Omg, I went over my bag weight limit with all the stuff I bought. I’m allowed 23kg and my suitcase was 27kg -.-

I paid £65 for that extra weight because I was not about to be that person who opens their suitcase in the middle of check in trying to decrease the weight XD

Pretty straight forward afterwards. I flew home and when I got to my house, my family let me have reign on dinner so we got KFC.

So, that is what I got up to in Japan. I loved every minute I was there. It is so very different than London and it has much more beauty than any city I’ve been to has.

I can’t wait to go back someday and I encourage anyone and everyone to go there. It is something else! <3

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end! I appreciate it ^.^

[lesbianbruabba]

all of them!

Anon you are trying to kill me but also like..thank you

1: Full name

I’m not stupid, I’m not putting my full real name out. lol

2: Age

Eighteen

3: 3 Fears

Being rejected, depression consuming my life, going deaf or blind

4: 3 things I love

My brother, my friends, music

5: 4 turns on

Gentle caresses, dirty talk, teasing, kink stuff

6: 4 turns off

Uhhh. Pedophilia, scat, incest, racial degradation? I’m going for the most hardcore bad stuff lol

7: My best friend

I have a lot but for simplicity’s sake my bestest is @lettiehigh

8: Sexual orientation

Bisexual

9: My best first date

Lol

10: How tall am I

5′2. correct question is how short am I

11: What do I miss

Special ham sandwiches

12: What time were I born

I don’t fucking know

13: Favourite color

Pink

14: Do I have a crush

I have multiple. 

15: Favourite quote

“They don’t sell cheese at the jewelry store” - my husband Felony Steve

16: Favourite place

My bedroom

17: Favourite food

Chicken nuggets from a hong kong mcdonald’s. They taste like shit in scotland

18: Do I use sarcasm

Sometimes but I’m not that good at it

19: What am I listening to right now

No More Time - Flor

20: First thing I notice in new person

Eyes

21: Shoe size

6.5

22: Eye color

Dark brown/black

23: Hair color

Dark brown/black. it’s gotten darker over the last few years

24: Favourite style of clothing

Frilly or bondage-y. Sometimes both at once

25: Ever done a prank call?

Nope

27: Meaning behind my URL

RPDR fic pen name

28: Favourite movie

RENT

29: Favourite song

Right now it’s Felony Reunion by Felony Steve

30: Favourite band

Waterparks, flor, All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, you can’t make me pick

31: How I feel right now

Lorny

32: Someone I love

My baby brother

33: My current relationship status

Single

34: My relationship with my parents

Rocky but overall it’s fine. It’s like an ongoing negotiation but I know they love me really.

35: Favourite holiday

I went to England when I was 14 with my school. 

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

None

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

Nipple piercings, I want a hip tattoo on my right hip because I haven’t self-harmed there and it’s a bit of a ‘sacred space’ now. someday I want a lyric tattoo, a flower tattoo (roses pls) and a watercolor one. I follow so many tattoo instagrams and they all look so pretty

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

At the very very beginning to make an aesthetic pastel blog. Got into roleplaying for a couple of years, made some good friends, some sad things happened, moved onto rpdr fic, evolved into the mess it is now

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

what ex

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

Good morning snaps from my brother and copyright from @samrull

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

Nope

42: When did I last hold hands?

Not a thing I’ve done in a long time? 

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

Depends on whether I do makeup or not. 10 minutes if I don’t have to, 20-30 if I do.

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

Nope. I don’t shave unless there’s a special event.

45: Where am I right now?

My bedroom in Edi

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

I don’t drink :)

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

reasonable level most of the time. Unless I am feeling particularly apathetic/anhedonic/depressed

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

Back in Hong kong yes

49: Am I excited for anything?

Dan and Phil show, possible trip to Copenhagen, possibly seeing flor, doing fashion design or Danish at uni next year, improving my fluency in languages, my brother visiting Edi, going home and seeing all my friends, going home and seeing my teachers I miss them so much oh my god, possibly seeing one of my crushes again!!

Oh and I’m going to a convention on sunday so that’s pretty great too!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

Yeah my brother we’re a bit too open

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

depends on how often I leave my room/spend time in others’ company that I’m not comfortable with. 

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

Tuesday at 7:30 pm

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

Cool, thumbs up dude. he kisses well

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

Yeah probably. lbr I trust people too easily

55: What is something I disliked about today?

I didn’t move from my bed much. but! I got a lot of drawing done and I studied some Polish so that’s a win. fuck you for making me think negatively :)

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

there’s this girl in denmark i owe a very long apology to. her. and maybe her cat.

57: What do I think about most?

My crushes, analyzing whether I have a pattern/type of crush, random etymologies, whether Russian is harder than Polish or I have a warped bias, whether my friends care about me or am I overestimating my place in their hearts

58: What’s my strangest talent?

I can say thank you in like 15 languages that counts right?

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

The wolf from little red riding hood

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

In front bc I am shite at taking photos

61: What was the last lie I told?

my meds are making me better

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Video chatting oh my god

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I sometimes hope ghosts exist. idk about aliens

64: Do I believe in magic?

No 

65: Do I believe in luck?

yes

66: What’s the weather like right now?

Not that bad for scotland tbh but chilly for late April

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

Essentials of Polish verbs and grammar or something. google it

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

no???? who tf likes that what the fuck

69: Do I have any nicknames?

This one friend I used to have called me Christababe. Also people at school called me Lily

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

Self harm cut from a few weeks ago. Got infected (it’s fine now)

71: Do I spend money or save it?

Depends

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

With a tongue sure but not my own lmao

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

Yes a lot of it because my closet is next to my bed :)

74: Favourite animal?

Unicorn

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

Eating ice cream and surfing the drag race reddit

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

I don’t know???? Johnson?

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

78: How can you win my heart?

Don’t manipulate me.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

Married to Felony Steve

80: What is my favorite word?

Felony

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

Like my faves? @rippling-waves @samrull @lettiehigh @veronicasanders @lecafenoirx

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

Listen to Waterparks they have the best music. -dabs-

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

Nope

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

Fluency in all languages

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“are you in love with me”. if asked by certain people. alternatively “do you like girls” asked by other certain people. 

86: What is my current desktop picture?

DDLC fanart

87: Had sex?

No but close

88: Bought condoms?

No but I have one from the Hive from a fresher’s package

89: Gotten pregnant?

no dear lord 

90: Failed a class?

Nope and I hope not

91: Kissed a boy?

Yes

92: Kissed a girl?

No, I wish

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

No

94: Had job?

Yes, barista and factory worker

95: Left the house without my wallet?

Yes

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

Kind of? Not really? It was more of an argument but we’re friends now. I was a stupid thirteen year old 

97: Had sex in public?

No

98: Played on a sports team?

Lol, tell another one

99: Smoked weed?

No

100: Did drugs?

No, will not

101: Smoked cigarettes?

No, I hate smoking

102: Drank alcohol?

I had a few sips of white wine that were absolutely DISGUSTING

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

No

104: Been overweight?

Currently am

105: Been underweight?

I wish

106: Been to a wedding?

Yeah of distant relatives and teachers

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

Try 14

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

I don’t watch TV, There’s no tv in my student hall and back home the TV is only for news

109: Been outside my home country?

Yep too many times tbh

110: Gotten my heart broken?

Unrequited love-wise yes

111: Been to a professional sports game?

Yes and spent the whole time reading (I was a kid and my mum couldn’t/didn’t find someone to babysit)

112: Broken a bone?

No, thank god

113: Cut myself?

Yes, trying to quit it

114: Been to prom?

Yep and I sang on stage too! 

115: Been in airplane?

Yep

116: Fly by helicopter?

No and not interested tbh

117: What concerts have I been to?

Waterparks, Avril Lavigne, All Time Low

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

Yes, quite a few times now

119: Learned another language?

Try multiple

120: Wore make up?

Yeah! Trying to do it more

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

No, too late for that now

122: Had oral sex?

No but I want to

123: Dyed my hair?

No but I want to

124: Voted in a presidential election?

No, HK doesn’t have presidential elections

125: Rode in an ambulance?

No

126: Had a surgery?

No

127: Met someone famous?

Famous in Hong Kong yes. Worldwide no. I’ve met the UoE principal though

edit: Iza reminded me that I’ve met both Courtney Act and Sasha Velour! 

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

Yes but not like…creepy. for drawing reference I’ve gone through a lot of people’s social media this morning lol

129: Peed outside?

When I was like 4

130: Been fishing?

Not that I can recall

131: Helped with charity?

Yeah

132: Been rejected by a crush?

No because I’m too much of a wimp to confess. Maybe a few years later

133: Broken a mirror?

Yep, the one I use to wear my contacts (when I used to wear contacts)

134: What do I want for birthday?

Sex and liposuction and a corset and maybe someone to love me and a full happy day with no depression or anxiety

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

I don’t want kids. But if I did have kids, here is a list of nice names: Gracie, Ljudmila, Nico, Agneta (this one sounds really fucking familiar but I don’t know why), Anthony, Selene, Kristoff, James

136: Was I named after anyone?

No. My Chinese name means to have manners and to be gentle lmao. My English name is literally just the first thing I blurted out when the teacher asked me for my name. Wednesday was a name I look after Wednesday Addams though.

137: Do I like my handwriting?

I hate my Chinese and English penmanship it looks like shit but my Cyrillic looks GREAT

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

Barbie, I had Genevieve from the 12 dancing princesses

139: Favourite Tv Show?

Drag race, b99, ASOUE, the good place

140: Where do I want to live when older?

In Edinburgh

141: Play any musical instrument?

The ukulele and I think I still remember a bit of guitar

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

Cutting. Most of my scars are from cutting. A few from childhood bruises

143: Favourite pizza toping?

Cheese

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

Sometimes

145: Am I afraid of heights?

all the time

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

A lot worse than sneaking out buddy

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Yeah 

148: What I’m really bad at

controlling my fucking feelings and not falling for peple

149: What my greatest achievments are

Sewing my prom dress, making an animation, juggling learning 3 languages (slowly) at once, surviving high school because honestly I didn’t think I’d make it to graduation

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

That bisexuality doesn’t exist

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

Depends on how much i win but assuming it’s a big amount of money, split it and donate a third to charity, give a third to my parents, split the rest of it in quarters and give three quarter to my dad for investments and spend the last quarter

152: What do I like about myself

I have pretty hair and nice tits and I can draw (not well but I can draw), and I have a bit of talent in learning languages and fashion design

153: My closest Tumblr friend

@samrull without a doubt

154: Something I fantasise about

My brain giving me a good yummy serotonin

155: Any question you’d like?

….anon you didn’t put a question (this happens every goddamn time i s2g)

Thanks for the ask though this kept me occupied for the good part of an hour :)