#I also don’t wanna be alone
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I’m in facing under the stars and the night sky right now
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Yadda yadda yadda jinx is generally seen as a loose canon, does whatever she wants type of character, totally unpredictable. When in actuality, up until the last few episodes all of her choices and actions r motivated by wanting to please someone else. Hell. Even in the last couple episodes, the very Last thing we see her doing is ENTIRELY MOTIVATED by devotion and love and grief for silco, she’s taking out her frustration at herself and the world, and also honoring his wishes and dreams. By shooting a fucking bomb at piltover, she’s ensuring his life wasn’t in vain, she’s honoring him. In that moment
Her entire, self!!! is centered around love and loyalty. Is centered around other people, She’s motivated by an insatiable urge to prove herself, to be useful to those she loves, to show that she can help them and be there for them and be WORTHY of there love. That they haven’t made a mistake in loving her. To prove that she can be as pivotal to them as they r for her. She goes to the ends of the fucking earth to do this. And it ends. Terribly.
She puts the people she loves on pedestals and supplicates at there feet, she has no motivations most of the show outside of making the people she loves happy… she yearns for connection and love and safety. For a home that will never leave her behind, or crumble under her feet, (an indestructible home, That she can’t destroy just by being her…)
Which is why.. it’s so. Interesting and intriguing. How now, she has no one on that pedestal to worship, no one to drag sacrifices and offerings to the feet of, no one to spiral around and build herself off of. She is a person so *affected* by her relationships w others, but there is no relationship now, no one is stepping up to the plate to love her. She’s too much. For anyone. The one person who seemed to have unlimited patience for her is dead, because of her. and maybe vi could still love her.. but. She’s already soured that relationship. Already broken that one too. Broken all her favorite toys that made her so happy. That were there for her. And scared all the rest away. (There is a limit to what vi can support and forgive to reconnect w her sister. And I believe terrorism is crossing that limit ghgh)
And maybe, jinx is cutting that part of herself out on purpose. To be stronger, she’s realized she just. Isn’t made for love. That she ruins it all in the end. That it just makes everything worse. Messier. More complicated. She’s better off on her own, but for what PURPOSE! Who will she be now! What choices will she make!?! Almost all of her actions in the show were for others, what is driving her now, now that she has this gaping void at the center of her being. Where love used to be… what kind of person will she become, Without a guide to follow… a sun to orbit around. it’s sad honestly ghghg-!!! like yeah it’s not healthy that she is this way but there’s no THERAPY IN ARCANE. THIS IS THE WAY SHE IS! And now. She’s alone… it’s rough. But also intriguing…!! And I honestly have no clue how she’s gonna act in season 2,,, or what sorta shit she’s gonna get up to. but I’m excited.
#arcane#jinx#arcane jinx#jinx arcane#pepper words#sorry for waxing philosophical about jinx’s mental state I just. WANTED TO#she is so tragic to me…#and I see a lot of myself in her. albeit. like. since there’s no therapy she’s just deteriorated#but. idk. seeing a character like hers portrayed in fiction. and so accurately and like.. painfully#it’s cathartic#??? and I wanted to talk about her lol. leave me alone#ok now I gotta get ready for work lol#sOMEBODY GET THIS GIRL SOME THERAPY#but also DONT. cuz it’s cathartic to see the worst thoughts tendencies and feelings of myself come to life so unapologetically in her#like… it’s. nice to see somebody go apeshit like this. when ur own brain and desire to live a normal happy life prevents u from going#apeshit urself.. jinx is raw and unfiltered pain and misery being taken out on the world and I love that about her… but#I also want her to be happy.. and. I don’t. actually think going apeshit will make her happy… in the end ghghg-#but I will still always support her going apeshit regardless. like u go girl! this might end up fucking u up worse then u already were#but if u wanna do something fucking do it girl! don’t let shit like laws or morals hold u back..#edit: I WANT to edit the bit about supplicatting cuz it was mostly jus me trying to be wordy but.#so I realized I was projecting too hard lol. jinx is willing to snap and go against and put pressure on her fav ppl#mostly for possessive reasons ghgg- but! yeah that parts kinda innacurate for her#other bits of this might be innacurate too! this is just me thinking out loud lol I don’t claim to be a jinx expert.#merely a jinx appreciator…
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They’re just kids and it’s just a nightmare,
#pippi art#the black phone fandom#the black phone#necromancer finney au#the black phone fanart#finney blake#vance hopper#tbp vance#tbp finney#tbp fanart#finney blake fanart#vance hopper fanart#vinney#tbp vinney#I guess??? if y’all wanna interpret it as romantic I’m just tagging but this can platonic or romantic <33#anyway Vance has night terrors that are arguably some of the most graphic within the boys and he never likes to be alone with them#whether it’s an animal or person he likes having someone there to ground him#Finn is one of the safe spaces within the group. there are others like Bruce and Robin who are also safe for Vance#I’m not including Billy and Griffin because they are viewed as younger and I don’t see them helping Vance during an episode#Vance also trusts finney a little bit more tbh#but a close second is definitely robin just because how much he understands how Vance thinks and acts. not that finn also doesn’t but I#think Robin would understand a little better on how brash he acts ya know?#this started as me drawing sad Vance but then I included Finn because I think he’d help in this situation#I’m not really sure what else to tag in this but I headcannon vance as a very sensitive child who acts tough for his own self and others#perceptions#angst. idk if I should tag this but I guess.
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Marchil crumbs part 5
Part 1 - Part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 6 - part 7
The anime has come and since I have my shipping goggles on I am going to notice so much. This part will be less spoilery for anime onlys (tho if you want to see me talk about why I ship them and why they’re complementary this is not a good part to start with haha). Edit: After completing this part I can confirm it’s fully anime-onlys friendly and spoiler-free! For manga veterans though there are still some fun tidbits to be found, some recontextualisations and new extra content.
Holy shit guys they’re mirroring each other in the mural and reaching out to each other AND looking towards each other?!!!! Their pose is so striking and like perfectly align?! Which means it was so intentional and the staff wanted to highlight them (for an aesthetic and/or narrative purpose I’m sure but it happened)! I will never let this go we won so fucking hard let’s goooooo we are so back
Character foils!! Dynamic duo!!
Soulmates!!
In the opening at 1:16 he looks at her to see if she’s really going to it as the most critical of monster food & muster up courage to dig into it himself lmao… "Marcille doesn’t look too grossed out, she’s picky so this food must be fine then" Aka treating her as a poison taster/good cuisine judge lmao
Doodle from the animation director (source). I should translate it but I’m procrastinating on it so uh director’s brotp? Anyways they hanging out look at them :]
Laios is thinking to himself there (he’s the one saying the subs), and in the meantime Marcille and Chilchuck talk, likely figuring out the money situation. Strategizing duo back at it again not wasting a second
In the beginning of ep 1, when Marcille is rambling about where they could go to get food and what to grab, Chilchuck listens with a big smile & even closes his eyes as they walk. The implication is that he’s thinking about food, but man the scene hits different now that it’s voiced and I remember that indeed Chilchuck is closing his eyes to her voice and enjoying hearing her talk and ramble. I may be too far gone into the marchil pit
I feel like already they’ve come far from when Chilchuck dreaded being alone with Shuro and Marcille, waiting for the Toudens and Namari to arrive.
Ok this might actually be smth I’m gonna complain about but I feel like blushes have been drawn too vividly so far. Why does Chilchuck look like he’s confessing when he tells her she’s not a burden and he didn’t mean to make her feel that way. It almost comes across as "Woah she cares what I think?" 💀 The banter ensuing is of course also great
Ep 2 was an episode centered on them both that had the "Magic/Traps are my domain, don’t interfere!" parallel… And now with ep 3 we’re back to them being haters together. That’s her emotional support man
In ep 4, it doesn’t show well with a screenshot but when Senshi talks about his unmanned vegetable stand with a treasure chest, while in the manga Marcille and Chilchuck both think the same thing, "That’s why that treasure chest akways had money in it…", but in the anime instead they literally finish each other’s thought. Talk about being on the same wavelength.
Ep 5 is a marchil goldmine actually, it showcases perfectly how much of a package deal they are lol. Always sticking close to each other. Glancing at each other during meals… They literally nod at each other before they try a bite to steel themselves. They exchange a serious thoughtful glance when Laios talks about Falin truly being gone atm. They argue a bit but they go right back to sitting right next to each other after the meal <3 My god I can’t deal with them they are so…… "Hate this bitch, not my friend" 3 secs later "Heyy bestie!!" Also he’s worried he brought her mood down after mentioning Falin. Made a post about ep 5 collecting even more screenshots.
Episode 6 my hero my beloved… Again I made a post about the ep collecting all my screenshots here, and even a clip! But this IS the marchil crumbs masterpost thus I must collect the major ones here as well. First of all, fun staff drawings for the first screening!
I already posted a screenshot from the trailer of when Chil had his head on his knees sitting next to her, but after seeing episode 5 I think it’s a fun and interesting trend to notice that they sit next to each other way unnecessarily close wow. They continue to banter a ton, she continues to be very casual with touch, and they’re really cute! I love just how much Marcille blushed damn- It’s really cute too when you remember with the bicorn chapter that Chilchuck teases Marcille BECAUSE he enjoys getting a rise out of her, flustering her and seeing her reactions. I support the teasing -> laughing because her reaction is over the top all-Chilchuck economy. Also she apologizes for having let him go alone and be gone for so long by helping him with sewing his cowl… Cuties
She looked so happy when he opened up about his age!… And then seemed… Disappointed? When he "truly was just a kid". "So you really are a kid! How boring…" This implies that her intent was to tease him for funsies… Ok lads we reached 30 pics see you next post, I’m gonna cover the "wake up clumsy head" manga-anime differences and we’re gonna go back to our usual spoilers yummy schedule.
Here’s Marcille cosplaying as a succubus in the newest Daydream Hour… She may not be a half-foot or have deep-set eyes but let’s be real I think he’d explode
part 6 here!!
#Dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi anime#marchil#Chilchuck tims#marcille donato#ppl in the server don’t agree with me that the mural mirroring is huge… I am alone on this barren earth#/lh#This is one day after I said I had no more marchil crumbs. Yesterday me was a blind fool#This part is only halfway done I’ll edit in more stuff as we go and I find more crumbs#Bros… Broskis I’m losing my mind#The mural……..#Idk if I wanna go there but this might be my favorite/the biggest marchil crumb. Holy shitttttt#For legal reasons /j disclaimer that yes yes I’m sure the staff’s intent wasn’t shippy like I said#But also I think it kinda undeniably ties them together in some way. Shows a bond either from a meta a narrative or an interpersonal#Standpoint. Their pose align and mirror perfectly but beyond them and Laios & Falin that can’t truly be said with anyone else. WHAT DOES IT#MEAAAN. It’s probably just bc it’s a nice composition 😔 But it happened and that means marchil nation is feasting today#Anyways I like my ship crumbs post to flow nicely from one point to another like a web but for this one i’mma be putting them in the order#That they come at since I don’t have them all on hand from the start
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five stages of grief but it’s five stages of social anxiety
#walk with me#this morning i got a bouquet delivered to me at work randomly out of nowhere#the note basically said that i could count of the person even if for just some words of advice or a gesture that could make me laugh or mad#count on the person**#i immediately knew it’s from one of my coworkers and ngl i have a very charged?? relationship with them#in the sense that it’s very intense and we can be laughing joking and teasing or we can be really angry and pissed with each other#it can have very extreme emotions even if we just chill most of the time#idk why i think this whole year i’ve been leaning on them more?? and we started texting more often too#so we’ve been more properly friends lately#and for one i was SO EMBARRASSED for getting flowers bc my coworkers tease the shit out of everyone myself included and i’m not used to#gestures like that so obviously they were on my ass all day about it#and everyone asked about them and it’s EMBARRASSING to get that much attention#(me: i wanna be a singer / also me: can’t stand to be the center of attention)#anyway the person that sent them avoided me yesterday out of nowhere??? idk if they thought i was mad bc i didn’t reply to their texts all#weekend but i literally never reply to anyone and pms was a bitch and i just wanted to be alone#so they didn’t talk to me on monday i was mostly just working listening to music bc i was still emotional whatever#and today i did talk to my other coworkers bc it’s the day when my favorite coworker comes in and i talk to them a lot so i engaged more#and they were still ignoring me and then the flowers came in and we didn’t say a single word to each other today we just texted#they told me they sent them and that ‘they forgot’ what they sent and that it was just meant to be a nice gesture#and that bc they wanted to ‘surprise’ me and make me feel better bc i said i was sad at one point?? idek#i literally just want to tell them I HAD PMS ITS FINE I FEEL SUICIDAL ALL THE TIME and move on#bc now i’m second guessing everything they’re saying bc i thought we were friends and there’s no reason why friends can’t send each other#flowers or whatever but they’ve been avoiding me and then they keep answering my texts really weirdly and i always misinterpret flirting bc#i’m never outright romantic with anyone?? plus we’re FRIENDS i should have no reason to think that’s changed#but they’re being so weird and why get me FLOWERS??? idk get me a chocolate or a coffee i don’t NEED flowers#and then i said it was random to give me flowers out of nowhere and they’re like no it’s serious bro what’s serious??????#your feelings towards me?? or just your will to cheer me up???#if they don’t reply straight up in their next texts i’m gonna flat out say but it was a platonic gesture right???#so yeah i’m overthink getting flowers bc what’s the social code for that and what is one supposed to do when they get flowers from a friend#delivered to their joint workplace where everyone can see them and think they’re from a partner or something
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playing kiwami 1 and man. all jokes about majima everywhere aside, it means Something to me that after kiryu gets out of prison the first and only person to go out of his way to find and see kiryu after 10 years is majima despite the fact that being in the tojo clan and fraternizing with kazuma kiryu at that point is basically a sin worthy of god knows what punishment (and in broad daylight at that). and all just because, in his own weird way, he missed him a lot.
#you know that quote that’s like. ‘you construct intricate rituals to touch the skin of other men’? yeah#I also feel like. well. actually I won’t say that yet cause I’ll make another post or add onto this with my next thought#cause I think it’s worth that#anyway yeah so far in kiwami ive found kiryu’s interactions with majima to get flirtier and flirtier Real quick#like it goes from ‘ugh majima leave me alone I don’t want to fight anyone without a reason to’ to ‘heh okay you wanna go? let’s do this’#pretty quick#I know that can be read as him just being satisfied with the Process working to get his abilities back after being out of practice and all#but. I think it’s a bit of both and that that fact attributes to his growing a fondness for majima#kazumaji#yakuza#yk1#kiryu#majima#rambling
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#probably my last sunny walk at home :(#keeeeellll meeeee#i think one of the things i hate about going back to uni is not being able to experience autumn and winter at home like i used to#it’s weird because i’ve always loved them and considered them my favourite seasons.#but last year (and now this year) i’m realizing that oh! i think it’s because i got to come home after a long day and be in a safe familiar#space. and at uni everything is still a bit unfamiliar and not very comforting so the long cold days get so much harder#but i will surviveeeeeee#counting on gilmore girls to get me through it!! and also love is blind s7. i LOVE having things to look forward to every week it makes tim#fly by so fast. last yr every friday night was reserved for me and i ate frozen pizza or takeout and/or my favourite snacks and#watch my comfort films :( i cooked a lot those nights too 2 save money but yeah. it was rlly nice to have that comfy safe time to myself#i think it rlly got me thru uni.#ik it’s gonna be so hard to get back into a routine but im trying to tell myself that i need to like. focus on the basics first. adulting#can be so hard & i wanna do everything at once! i wanna b perfect in all areas. always do my hobbies. etc etc but i#i couldnt even get out of bed to make myself meals sometimes 💔 so i need to like remember if i don’t journal or read a whole book in a day#not the end of the world. and most importantly i need to be EATING and staying active and SLEEPING FIRST and foremost cause then hopefully#i won’t feel like a zombie.#okay anyways.#feeling sad feeling tired feeling unmotivated but also feeling a teensy bit excited for finally BEING ALONE!!!!#i have my cardiologist appt tmrw so maybe that’s why i feel so yuck also. just thinking abt it makes me wanna throw up#i hope everything goes well#anyways bye bye#♡ dear diary…
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I think everyone should get to have one favorite person on the other team, as a treat. For most people it’s Helaena or Aemond but I’m picking Otto purely because his reactions are fucking hilarious
#house of the dragon season 2#house of the dragon#hotd season 2#hotd#otto hightower#LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN#I KNOW#but Aemond gives me the ick#and helaena isn’t even team green#she’s team I don’t wanna be here please leave me alone#so I gotta pick Otto#do I like his character? no#do I think he’s a good guy? also no#but he’s funny af
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i hope all of my bmc mutuals think of me not only as your black suits mutual but as your slushpuppies and t4t riends mutual as well ❤️
#i am just assuming that is what i’m known for#i think me being the black suits mutual is a pretty safe bet. considering i am like most of the recent posts in the black suits tag#and also i think im the only one actively drawing them??#who gonna join me in drawing them guys im so alone 💔💔 /sillay#is this cringe guys what if this is cringe i think i have brain worms#like what if you all actually hate me and don’t even like me or think of me at all..#guys is this too severe anxiety to be sharing under a silly post#but anyways sometimes i genuinely believe that all of you are just liking my posts because you like all of the posts on your dash??#because i had a friend once who had a compulsion that made them like every post on their fyp#especially with the mutuals i have a friend crush on ?!#not crush as in like romantic. like i wanna be friends with you so bad oh my god#sorry oh my god i’m YAPPING why did i start venting in the TAGS#the black suits
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Quirkless college AU where Keigo is your annoying teachers assistant for one of your majors classes. He never seems to give you that A you deserve, and is hellbent on going back and forth with you about every little thing. About every little grade, every little answer you submit, every little note he likes to leave on the corners of your papers. He mocks your handwriting with his own chicken scratch, even writes a ‘wtf are you trying to say???? is that supposed to say RHETORIC?????’ on one of your papers.
You wanna complain about him to your professor when it comes to his attitude and nitpicking, but the prof always just tells you to take it up with the TA yourself. And that’s exactly what the golden haired man wants, and it’s so painstakingly obvious with the way he absolutely grins when you drag your feet into his ‘office hours’ (aka him sitting in the library for the same amount of time every week).
“I was wondering when you’d ask me to round your grade up.” Keigo doesn’t even greet you, just leans back in his chair as he folds his arms over his chest. His smile grows even wider when you narrow your eyes and huff at him, snatching the chair out from across him to plop down heavily.
“Give me the grade I deserve, and not the grade that drags me here to be with you.” You’re all snaps and irritation, and Keigo loves it—eats up the way your bottom lip juts and your brows furrow down and, oh, you’re so goddamn cute when you’re annoyed.
“Go on a date with me this weekend, and I’ll change it.” Keigo blurts out with a lilt of his lips, eyes squinting when you reel back with a scoff. You stare at him for a while before answering, and he can’t help but notice how shifty your hands have gotten and how it grows harder to look him in the eye now.
“I feel like that goes against policy.” You mutter, picking at your nails before glaring through your lashes. Keigo cocks his head to the side, smiling.
“Don’t tell me you’re a goody two shoes.” He teases, tilts his head in your direction, watches the gears turning in your head as you narrow your eyes at him.
“Fine. One date, and you give me extra credit on the last paper.” You bargain with him, glaring at his hand when he holds it out for you to shake. You pause before you take it, frowning when Keigo grins wider and leans across the table.
“Looks like you’ve got yourself a deal there, birdie.”
And after that, it becomes routine for you both. Keigo enters the most foul grade he can until you show up at his dorm room furious and seething, all so he can pull you in to his space and kiss your puffy cheeks while you enter your own grade in the system. He’s a bit of a jackass, but you think it’s all worth it, especially when he shows you the expansive winged tattoo on his back and the quickest and most efficient way to do eyeliner. He’s good for something, you guess.
#I wrote this two nights ago and forgot about it#but I think I wanna make a college au series lmfao#I say that every time I get a collective idea and can’t stick it to one character#but I’ve already written about RA sleaze bag touya#why not TA Keigo???#okay I don’t know anymore college jobs AKSHDKDJDJDFJ#wait maybe creepy tutor shiggy……….#okay idk Leave me ALONE#also wish me luck on my astronomy quiz today#I’m dreading it so bad and wanna cry#I might get h*gh before I take it so the results won’t fuck with me too bad lmfao#omg I’m watching American dad and they killed off one character bc of a goofball to the head#why tf did they put him in the casket with the golf ball STILL IN HIS HEAD?-$:!:&;!;$#I hate this show omfg SO STUPID#okay I’m done sorry#now I have to make a masterlist for this mf#—new treat in the streets! 🍫#hawks treats! 🍬#—queue’ve got a new treat in stock! 🍰
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slamming my fist on the table & yelling i need to be bitten!!!! i need to be picked up in someone jaws & shook around & carried around
#but i’m home alone#also it’s ’impossible to pick a human up by the scruff of their neck cuz they don’t have one’#or so they fucking say#been into bring my own arms tho#LOL#idk sometimes i j wanna bite flesh hard asf & my bf is sensitive so#hits different when someone else is hitting u tho#*biting#well…#guh
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Digitalised + coloured + redesigned version of my Suiren and Vaatu sketch from two days ago, as promised!!
Coming up with Suiren’s design was a very long process of trying and failing because after you’ve drawn 9+ different versions of one character, the creativity starts to run a little dry, but I’m actually really proud of this one, she looks absolutely adorable <3
(Also yeah I did mostly just scribble Vaatu’s pattern because who has the energy to draw the all out accurately. Not me, that’s who, I’m chronically tired. People who draw him on the regular have my utmost respect. He’s still a funky little guy though :D)
Bonus, Raava incessantly screaming inside Suiren (and being completely ignored because Suiren is tired of her) while all this is happening:
#and yeah I did say I’d do a fuckass background but all my energy went to figuring out Suiren’s design#plus I suck at backgrounds so.. woe. LoK screenshot be upon ye#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#avatar suiren au#original character#sotrl suiren#vaatu#I don’t really know what to say in these tags lmao#usually I reach the tag limit really really easily but between my previous post and answering that ask I’ve ran out of things to say#someone please indulge me in this au I have Way Too Many Thoughts about it#hmm…#you know. I think people often make different avatar aus because they dislike Korra or think she’s a bad avatar#I don’t. I love Korra. I would kill and die for her#(says the red lotus stan. yes I’m well aware. no need to call me out)#and I think she’s a good avatar who was dealt a shitty hand both in universe and by the show’s production team#I’m making this au BECAUSE I love Korra. if Suiren is the avatar Korra gets to be a normal SWT girl#she’ll get to grow up with her parents. not isolated and degraded all the time for not being perfect. maybe she’d have a sibling or two#and Suiren gets spared her sotrl trauma too. win win for everyone!!#(I return Suiren gets the weight of the world on her shoulders lmao. but it’s fine. 1. she isn’t alone in it. she has her family#2. three quarters of the LoK threats are basically automatically eliminated for her. the RL are her parents. she fuses with Vaatu#and all she has to do to defeat Kuvira is to take her dress off 😁 /hj. basically. she’ll be okay. better than in sotrl at least)#also look. I love Suiren. she’s my dear child who’s been with me since I was 12. of course I wanna make her the main character in everything#and dark avatar Korra AUs have been done countless times before me. Kat’s doing one right now!! I just wanna do something that’s my own#and also I wanna focus less on pain and trauma for once and more on the sheer hilarity of the shenanigans that will occur post-fusion#cause this isn’t Adumbration where Korra lets Raava go and fuses with Vaatu instead. here Suiren’s got both of them at the same time#and they have 10000 years’ worth of grievances to air out. it’s like living with your divorced parents#trust me I would know. except mine aren’t divorced. they’re Worse and everyone wishes they’d just separate#anyway. that aside. Suiren’s not getting any sleep any time soon while those two duke it out
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how do you politely decline someone
#because idk if this girl is joking or not and even if she is i don’t know how to respond 🧍🏻♀️#because i posted my sea bag on my instagram and she added me today#because she’s in my course and we’ve spoken a couple of times#and she replied to my highlights saying it was cute and i said thank you#and then she said ‘make me one’ and i just 🧍🏻♀️#because i don’t have the time nor energy to make that again let alone spend hours on it for someone i’m barely friends with…#and now idk what i’m meant to say#because i don’t wanna say no and be mean but also i just don’t have the time#and i don’t even think i have the right yarn..#IDK IM SCARED#this is why i don’t like meeting new people#they’re too unpredictable and i don’t like it#it scares me too much
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I mean this in the nicest way possible: I wish I was a better friend.
#delete later#I know I’m not a good friend#but i think it’s trauma related#and I know that’s not an excuse#but a reason#and I’m just… also tired of people leaving me#I don’t strike up conversations anymore cause I was the friend who always did so#I was always the one making the effort to be in other peoples lives#and it sucks. ya know.#and sometimes I say dumb things that then like….. makes people not want to be around me I fear#and like…. yeah…. that’s part of life#but I’m just so tired of being alone#I want friends. I want people to send post cards and letters too#and I wanna hang out with people#and I want them to tell me things I want them to tell me how they are feeling#like. online friends are great!!#don’t get me wrong!!#but I know I’m not a great online friend either.#and when I try to be I fear I come off as flirting. like sometimes I am. don’t get me wrong#but I wish I could just… go to a friends house and sit with them and hold their hand when they are having a bad day and have the same done#for me!!!#I am always giving…. I am always giving parts of myself to people who don’t give themselves back#I still know my ex-best friends favorite color but I doubt she knows what mine was when we where friends#if you read this far just…. ignore it oof.#it’s just a rant#sometimes I rant in a tumblr post cause reading rants back in old journals is. bad. for my mental health#my adhd just picks the emotions right back up and then I go through it again. so it’s best to tumblr rant#I’ve also been having complicated gender emotions again#I don’t hate the idea of being a woman/girl as much as I used to. and it’s throwing me off a bit#I mean it’s right on time really… I have a gender crisis almost every four years…
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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#fucking fell of my horse today..#really hurt my back#I don’t think its a serious injury but I am in a lot of pain#I had to really downplay it to my mom because she gets crazy worried but like#I wanna talk about it because it hurts and I wanna be sad about it and gush to my mom but I can’t do that because she will freak out#she already basically begged me never to ride this horse again and start wearing a body protector#and thats after I told her it was fine and I’m fine#its not#I’m not#it really fucking hurts#I hate having to downplay my problems when talking to my mom#like I wanna tak to her about it but I can’t really#anyways I’m sad and in pain and I don’t wanna move but I have to because otherwise my back’ll get really stiff#and that would only make it worse#UGHHHG#like I know its nothing serious I was able to get back on my horse and ride for a bit after I fell#but god#and to make things worse!! I discovered a bag of rotting carrots in my room I completely forgot about and now there is a wet moldy stain#of my fucking wooden floor#that I’ll have to clean WITH A HURTING BACK#AND ALSO#sorry I’m ranting now#my horse pulled its head up real hard real fast whilst I was taking off her saddle#and she fucking broke the clasp of my halter cord#she fucking snapped the metal in half#today is fucking not my day guys#also none of my roommates are home so I am home alone and sad and I need to clean and vacuum#and do laundry#BUT MY BSCK HURTS#yelling into the void
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