#I already know ppl hate me
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(Depressing rant, I mention Twitter drama and DR3 hate)
Y’all lucky I found that fuyuhiko post I just reblogged bc lord I was spiraling.
Twitter been making it real tough being in the DR fandom. I was thinking about leaving TBH.
I already cant go in the Fuyuhiko tag on tumblr without finding someone who hates me for shipping incest (I’m talking about kuzu/peko, it’s not btw)
Every Peko stan I find hates me. The ones on Twitter thinks I endorse child grooming and the ones on Reddit thinks I’m homophobic
I expressed on Twitter that reading too many “Butch Lesbian Fuyuhiko is the only correct interpretation” gives me gender dysphoria. I’m a transmasc enby who was forced to go to an all girl school. So it’s tough reading about a character I relate to heavily is only likable as a girl. Somehow that turned a lot of kuzu/peko shippers on Twitter against me. I saw some of them make fun of me but I thought that was fair to a certain extent. I’m a biromantic asexual, not being gay enough for the LGBTQA community shouldn’t be new to me.
Last week was just really bad bc I said I didn’t like Chisa. I admitted it was for petty reasons and I only saw two episodes of despair arc. This was in 2017, it was too confusing to watch DR3 without SDR2 knowledge and the anime wasn’t newcomer friendly. Then a popular dr3 account made fun of me and their followers dog piled me. I went down a rabbit hole of trying to block everyone harrsssing me but then I kept finding people who were calling me retarded and slurs. Then I found ppl screenshotting my old tweets just to make fun of me and kuzu/peko.
It’s not fun watching people make fun of your race, sexuality, age, interests, all because I said “DR3 isn’t newcomer friendly”. None of them even disagreed with me, they just called me stupid for not thinking I needed to watch SDR2 before watching “The End of HPA”.
I’m just glad I have nice people like Cosmo, Twinkle, and Neuro who makes me feel like I’m not just a complete blight in this fandom
And reading that Fuyuhiko post made me realize that I don’t do anything in this fandom for validation. I really should accept i can’t please everyone and to doesn’t matter if the whole fandom hates me.
In closing, I’m not gonna acknowledge DR3 on this blog for a while. But I’m not leaving anytime soon. My opinion is never meant to hurt anyone. When I say “block me if you don’t like my content”, this is not saying I don’t respect your opinion. I’m saying “block me because I can’t take another person hate following me just to make fun of me”
#sorry for dragging Twitter drama here#I just need ppl know#I already know ppl hate me#so just cool it already#but if I say that on Twitter#those assholes are just#gonna make fun of me again
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‘the black bastard of the wall’ moniker is the exact opposite of the ‘white wolf’ moniker and this perfectly highlights the irreconcilable differences between book Jon and show Jon
#‘white wolf’ highlights his stark heritage parallels him to robb and tries to align him with perfect moral goodness#‘the black bastard of the wall’ is only about jon. it has nothing to do with his stark heritage nor ghost. it’s only about jon#it’s literally white vs black#stark/winterfell/moral goodness vs bastard (targaryen bastard to be specific)/the wall/moral greyness and the duality of it all#he’s already a snow and he’s surrounded by white up north with a white direwolf so being the black bastard and dressing all in black#is perfect imagery of the duality theme in jon’s storyline#d&d rly wanted their jon to always stand in robb’s shadow 🙄#while book jon has an international reputation while still stuck at the wall#my boy is stuck in westerosi alaska and he’s got ppl across the sea yapping about him for pastime#that’s fame baby#asoiaf#a song of ice and fire#GOT critical#jon snow#book jon snow#and i wanna know what other monikers george plans to give jon#while i wouldn’t be that suprised if the ‘white wolf’ did come from george it’s the way it’s jon’s only moniker in GOT that pisses me off#‘the black bastard of the wall’ supremacy#the white wolf seems kinda lame in comparison but say jon gets it if his hair turns white like some theorize#if that happens then i’ll like it more cause it’ll be about jon!#like… the young wolf is about robb. not grey wind. the starks are compared to wolves and robb is a young king and he just so happens to have#a direwolf. in the show jon’s ‘white wolf’ moniker is honestly more about ghost than jon! and that’s ughhh#but robb had the wolf moniker first so it feels once again like the showrunners were placing jon in robb’s shadow#UGHHH I HATE THE SHOW AND HOW IT RUINED THE WAY SO MANY PPL VIEW THE CHARACTERS#let jon be the black bastard !!#his color was always black and the wall is his !!#put some respect on his name and his badass moniker#i don’t want to see anymore shit about the white wolf cause that’s only d&d’s shit invention at this point#valyrianscrolls
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“Homura callously destroys everything and everyone else because she's selfish and she only loves madoka” right that's why, when she rewrote the entire universe, she not only made it to where Madoka would be surrounded by her friends and her family, but she also gave Sayaka a second chance with not only Kyoko, but with Hitomi and Kyoske as well. That's why she gave Nagisa and Mami a life together. Because she's callous and selfish and she doesn't care about anyone but Madoka. That's why she took on the brunt of immortality for Madoka to be human again, even if it's temporary, choosing to suffer alone whilst everyone else has a second chance at a life. Go fuck yourself. I'm so tired of seeing ppl minimize Homura's love for Madoka and her friends by writing off her actions as “oh she's just a selfish evil edgelord who destroys everything and everyone who isn't madoka bc she doesn't care about anything else bc selfishness vs selflessness themes!!” like you do know that you can point out Homura's selfishness and Madoka's selflessness without blatantly lying and trying to rewrite canon to fit your narrative, right?
#pmmm#puella magi madoka magica#mahou shoujo madoka magica#puella magi madoka magica rebellion#homura akemi#madoka kaname#muting notifications to this bc i already know ppl who either want homura to be evil to justified their hatred for her#because they can't admit they still don't understand why homura did what she did in rebellion after 10 years#or those who want her to be evil and toxic bc they think that makes her a girlboss are gonna foam at the mouth either way#yes homura acted selfishly but not in the way everyone claims she did y'all are just twisting her actions to fit your narrative#it's 2023 just say you hate her and move tf on bc i am NOT going into Walpurgisnacht Rising with ppl in my ear telling me#how awful homura is and how she's a terrible person#homura did nothing wrong
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Me: I joke about writing the same McCoy centric story over and over again in different ways
Me: and like. I love doing it and imma keep doing it because it makes me happy.
Me: but also. I do sometimes wonder if it's like. A little Much.
Me: like maybe I should branch out or something
Me: [reads another fundamental and extremely insulting misread of McCoy's character by someone who is clearly making a Choice to cast McCoy as the villain, because they have to get him out of the way of spirk, because they're too???? idk immature??? to realize that even when you're in a relationship with one person, other ppl can and SHOULD still be important to you]
Me: lmao I hope I AM too much actually!!!! I hope it is 100% obnoxious how much I love that doctor!!!!! Time to write more versions of the same story of McCoy being forced to realize that he is loved and cared for!!!!!!
Me: I KNOW MY NICHE AND IMMA DIE IN THAT NICHE, THANKS
#mine#not putting this in the mcc*y/tr*k tags bc i am venting not trying to start 💾🐎 [discourse]#but woof. WOOF. i want you to know that if you hate the doc then sp*ck and k*rk would hate YOU#like seeing someone say they're sp*ck or jim coded and then say flagrantly absurd things about mcc*y.......u are garbage coded actually.#sp*ck and k*rk would literally never#i will never understand how so many ppl can ship mcc*y’s besties and then???? hate on mcc*y?????????#i block LIBERALLY so i have a lot of b*nes haters blocked already tbf#i just stumble across one in the wild sometimes alas#that mindset btw is how that counseling fic came about lmao - we were talking about how if sp*rk dated they'd still drag mcc*y EVERYWHERE#romantic or platonic he is THEIRS just like they're HIS. it's a triumvir*te my guy#any two of them hook up they're still making the third stay at their side 24/7 lolllllll#how can you claim to love sp*ck and k*rk and so fundamentally misunderstand them and their relationship with b*nes#genuinely tragique#you are missing out on so much fun#we are not watching the same show lmao <3 leave my doctor alone <3 leave his bfs alone too <3#me: i should let things go / sp*ck: have you instead considered being a petty bitch / me: what / sp*ck: they can get fucked and die mad 🖖#me: ur so right sp*ck / sp*ck: i usually am#guess who literally just found out that if the word is contained w/in a longer tag it now shows up if you search that word!!!!!#that change very well may not be recent but i just found out!!!! anyway. asterisks added.#i give up. tumblr keeps putting this in the fucjing tags. hellsite (full of hatred)#eta: didn't think to make this non-rebloggable earlier but now it is lmao. it's just a vent post y'all <3
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my last time speaking on this bc I’m back to my smut and stupid shit afterwards (cause yk this is my safe space 🤪😜🫶🏾👍🏾) , but I’m genuinely scared, not just for this presidency but my local leadership too. Hence why I always make such an emphasis on it. I live in a small town and it’s very much class/racially divided. The sheriff (a white woman btw but a woman nonetheless) has been actively trying to harass and run everyone from my side of town. She pretty much wrote off this area as a bunch of drug addicts and says ‘she hopes we all just kill each other’. (My family has never done, sold or even been around drugs and yet her dumbass cops are convinced bc we’re black with nice vehicles, that we must sell). She’s also pushing for the gentrification of our area so all of her rich cohorts can come and tear down our houses and build a suburbia. Just the other day, a cop made me move my vehicle from in front of a store I park at all the time bc im disabled and even the closest parking spot is far on this leg and he did it just to be an asshole. I can’t even cry abt this presidency yet bc I’m now worried that my local leaders are going to make our lives hell. Not to mention, they voted no on abortions and gender affirming care as well. I hate it here so fucking bad.
#🪷—faerie whispers#side note and lowkey unpopular opinion#but both sides reasoning were short sighted and vain#I saw someone say ‘ppl only voted for trump bc he’s a man and more economically popular’#and ykw for some people that eas just enough#there is a huge gap in our gen’s beliefs and ideas and our parents aunties grandparents etc#I hate to say this but our parents don’t gaf abt things like Palestine and lgbtq rights#they care about being able to retire earn money and pay their mortgages/rent#they don’t care abt the same things that we do and the dems underestimated that#I’d be a hypocrite if I said one was a better choice than the other bc the things that are important to me#they both stood against#so I can’t lesser of two evils my way out of it#not to mention the tone deafness of having millionaires and billionaires campaigning for you in a time where ppl cannot afford basic things#idk how I feel atp#i think each side voted for the wrong reasons and I cannot get over that#either way I already know this is going to be black ppl’s faults#we’re going to get the blame while simultaneously getting the short end of the stick#I really do not want to be alive anymore
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mass effect fandom typically has no problem disregarding or rewriting portions of canon, but one thing i have almost never seen touched is the friendship between garrus and shepard. so here is a poll because i am genuinely curious. i tried to be as expansive as poll limitations allowed, but since we are already throwing out canon i recognize there are a lot of variances that haven't been included. because of that, i would particularly like it if people elaborated about their non-romantic relationship with garrus in the tags, comments, or reblogs - especially if you are someone who has voted for any of the non-friend options. thanks for your time!
this post is not meant to be garrus critical. garrus enjoyers are welcome to participate in the poll, i only ask that you are respectful toward other people who may not have him as their favorite, or who may just simply roleplay a shepard that does not have him as their (best) friend for whatever reason.
#mass effect#mass effect polls#kaidan alenko#ashley williams#liara t'soni#i feel like such an ass tagging with those char tags but i really want a discussion started 😭#if you want it removed from one of the character tags let me know and i'll oblige#(i didn't tag gman only bc i feel like most of the ppl who frequent that tag are the ones who romance him and this is a non-romance poll)#tbh i already know what the most popular choice(s) are going to be#but maybe the convo it starts will be interesting :3#anyway. my answer to the poll:#nadia doesn't recruit him in ME1 and i diverge from canon options by ME3#i think he is a crew member in ME2 as per canon but in ME3 he only joins temporarily and leaves with victus#like how you can dismiss the VS after the coup and they just become a war asset#the overall poll option that suits her best i think is just that she doesn't hate him but she also doesn't trust him#but if i went by game me1 would be that she mostly doesn't remember he exists#me2 would be antagonistic coworkers but (very grudging) trust in combat#me3 is the overall poll option i already mentioned. more or less
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my fellow anxiety havers what is one of your mundane day-to-day tasks that should by no means be anything remarkable but feels like you are being hunted for sport. i’ll go first: putting all of your groceries on the conveyor belt during checkout is like a long series of quick time events to me
#marzi speaks#it’s bc like. you have a cart Full of groceries#there is a cashier looking to scan the groceries#there is (often) a bagger looking to bag the groceries and put them back in your cart#goal: get as many groceries onto that belt as fast as possible#REMEMBER: heaviest items go first so that nothing gets crushed when the bagger puts the groceries back in your cart#it is so stressful. move so fast ‘which of these items is gonna be heavier’ getting to the end and realizing you missed like 3 cans…#it’s even worse if there are ppl behind you. i live in texas so i can at least make socially acceptable conversation with the cashier#EXCEPT i’m already way overthinking the conveyor belt situation. i’m already frazzled#and now i gotta do small talk? oh god#on the bright side i am so fast at it it’s insane. i move faster than the cashier can keep up with#which is A Good Thing. bc that means i am at max efficiency#but like. WAAAUUGHH#and then u pay and hope the card reader isn’t gonna be a bitch#and you sit there for a moment while the cashier and bagger bag the rest of your groceries#and ur like ‘….should i help should i stay here’#tbh checkout is why i like never go grocery shopping alone if i know i won’t have self check out#bc what if there is no bagger. then i gotta balance Get Groceries On Belt. Pay For Groceries. AND Bag The Groceries#ouh god the time concerns. no . never. you can’t make me do that alone#someone handles the transaction while the other person bags it’s the only reasonable way to do it#i KNOW logically that it is not a big deal. but i hate the idea of making anyone wait for me
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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Feeling petty and just blocked someone for steve trevor hate the sun is shining and the hills are alive w the sound of music etc.
#not even a hate post like why do you have to make a point i agree w yet put down dianas lil guy doing it. rude#would never be mean to stevey t personally thats a skill issue i love diana and that includes her no 1 favorite guy over there#ive said this 38493838 times before like i get why ppl dont care or dont like him but i can get pet peevish abt it#esp when its from the “ww should get a girlfriend” crowd like come into the light w me...#she already does and her names steve trevor#no lmao but yeah#and by “ww gf crowd” you know the attitude i mean. square rectangle relationship i mean ppl who only care abt hashtag representation over#like chemistry and development of any kind. basically in swishyland usa we prefer concepts w literally any meat at all over#cardboard cutouts for twitter hype and screenrant headlines#and the anti cardboard cutout includes like status quo mush steve obviously. im not robert kanigher lmao#but anyways yeah what was i saying. oh i <3 wondertrev#steve trevor his mother's daughter#wait what who said that
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As much as I'm a Pharma apologist he is genuinely an asshole who acts completely unrepentant so something I think about for an eventual Pharma redemption fic is like. How do you write a redemption for a severely traumatized guy whose coping mechanism is to act like he doesn't care and the people who need to accept him don't like/care about him enough to go "hey it's okay everyone gets a second chance" and/or "wow Pharma is so radically different what caused that change."
But also like it's really hard to help someone who has no desire to/refuses to be helped and makes himself deliberately unpleasant to be around so like idk
#in the end i think what it comes down to is no one asked WHY#no one looked at pharma's before and after and went 'how did that happen'#even when other ppl talk about pharma's change it's always in such like a. passive way#'before he went mad and started killing patients' yeah and what made him go mad exactly?#everyone just kinda talks about pharma like 'yeah he used to be great then he started killing people'#i know he's a minor character but LITERALLY NO ONE ASKS WHY#and like let me emphasize multiple people say 'for most of his life he was a good doctor' or something#no one was like 'yeah i always knew pharma was a piece of shit'#(besides ratchet telling him he was always a terrible autobot but i think that was a heat of the moment thing)#pharma apologism#like it's just absurd how everyone goes 'yeah pharma went insane. pity' but no one ever brings up why#i know it's just authorial accidentally writing a deep character but not having time to acknowledge it#but like when i think of in universe explanations for why the autobots would be like this#the only explanations are that ppl either already hated pharma (not supported by evidence)#or that the autobots just really hate traitors. which seems more likely given like. how getaway was treated#this is basically the one time i understand autobot slander bc when i think about it i'm kinda like#yeah the average autobot is kind of sanctimonious and thinks ppl less moral than them are pieces of shit#whereas to contrast the decepticons are kind of just not concerned about morality and more about their dogma#accidental cross faction comparison in the notes
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Shinjiham is cute when it’s romantic but tbh I think i vastly prefer the idea of them being best friends instead. Like, neither of them really saw it coming and weren’t really looking to get another best friend (Shinji has Akihiko, Kotone has Junpei and Yukari respectively) but it happens anyway. Kotone takes a liking to Shinji much faster than she does anyone else and I’d say a big reason is just the fact that he’s so reserved that it allows Kotone to do most of the talking while he just listens and they love this arrangement cuz Kotone doesn’t get to talk about her own interests very much. Though I think some of her needs to talk to Shinji stems from this insecurity that he isn’t happy in the group and she has this people pleasing problem and wants everyone to be happy so she makes a much bigger effort to talk to Shinji. And it’s very unfortunate because Shinji intentionally acts cold and distant because he doesn’t want to form any attachments because he wants to die soon, but aaaaaaaagh dammit this girl just keeps talking to him and being sweet and encouraging him to engage in his interests and share them with the others and he just can’t seem to say no when she’s got those damn puppy eyes. And Kotone is just able to get him out of his shell by being persistent but not in an overwhelming way, she’s very cheerful and supportive of him. And Shinji is able to offer her support by encouraging her to talk about herself and by making sure she’s taking care of herself. They just click really well and make such a positive dent in each other’s lives and it’s all about basic acts of kindness going a long way you know?
#persona#persona 3#kotone shiomi#shinjiro aragaki#i uh. probably didnt do much here to prove that their relationship is best when its platonic akjsks i mean idk how to convey it#that these two are just so good for each other but that im just not feeling it romantically#and why should i honestly like cant a guy and a girl just be platonic soulmates like me and jackie aljsks#plus i just have other ships with these characters i like better ahem akishinji and mitsuham yall already know#and i just feel really comforted by their relationship being best friends cuz it makes the pocket watch a lot more power of friendship#and it just. irks me the idea that its romantic love that saves shinji and its romantic love that gave him a will to live#cuz first off you can save him without romancing him and also like if you think kotone is the only person he wants to live for#youre just wrong like in fact its very clear in his social link that he feels this strong love for everyone#its literally like why other characters are so ingrained into his link he loves everyone and they love him back#its just kotone who organizes the time for them all to get together plus like idk when ppl say shinji only wants to live after romancing#kotone its like. well hes not gonna have a good time post coma then huh#and i suppose the point being made is he has to learn to live even if his gf isnt there but again like. shes not the only thing he has#idk i just hate this like pedestal romantic relationships are put on and i hate the implications that like#akihiko has been trying for years to protect shinji and his love doesnt matter cuz it isnt some heterosexual romance#grrrrr it just irks me is all and yeah i just think theyre besties who do everything together#kotone is like shinjis emotional support animal that guides him through the scary crowds and shinji is off putting enough to scare away the#meanies that come their way and they have a dress up montage and make cookies
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why did i get accused of sneaking out last night . i was at home sleeping and never left the house. i wasnt even doing anything weird. i was literally asleep in my bed. in my house. where i live.
#kris.txt#i hate this houseee I HATE THIS HOUSE#ik this seems like nothing . and in the grand scheme of things it is#but it's like someone walking up and putting another dish in the sink when you already have so many dishes to clean#ykwim#crazy thing is i snuck out many times before as a teenager to do awful shit and never was suspected of a thing#but a strange car pulls up outside the house in the morning and then leaves after like 10 minutes??????? ohhh kris must be up to some shit#despite the fact that they left without me and never came up to the house to ask for me or anything . yeah must be some shit im up to#like????#idk im just so frustrated and on edge constantly#i literally cant even exist doing nothing wrong w/o being accused of some shit for no reason#also how stupid do you think i am. if i was gonna ask a stranger to pick me up i wouldnt have them pick me up right outside the house#during a day when i know ppl get up early#idk idk. literally one of the more mild delusions my mom has had. but i just Hate being falsely accused of shit and treated like im lying
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okay lol mini rant in the tags sorry i just HAD to get this off my chest 😭 sorry if this is very incoherent and poorly worded or structured or whatever i'm just. pretty out of it and i cannot really think to write this properly. well, that or i am probably just illiterate actually. Yeah that's it lol
#why are friendships so complicated#in my last year of senior high school at an all girls school#i transferred last year#and it's just cliques left and right#they all hate each other#i'm the type of person who can vibe with all of them even if their personalities are very very different#i am kind of friends with everyone in the sense that i can find common ground and have interact comfortably and enjoyably#my friend group from grade 11 (theyve been friends w each other for so long and i was the newcomer) dissolved this year bc things went down#i dont know the full extent of what happened#but those five friends split and three have merged with another group#the group that isolate my other two friends and seem to not like them#at least the “leader” of the group anyway. Not so sure about the rest#and now i am stuck in the middle lol. I have other friends from other groups but they have their own groups#the three girls already have each other and the new group (it's kind of a mix of me excluding myself on purpose and them not including me#in things presumably bc i am still “close” with my other two friends they don't like#it is a weird dynamic because me and the other group the three other girls merged with can vibe with each other#we can laugh with each other and enjoy each others company when theyre not talking shit (they rarely do it in front of ppl so i havent rlly#seen the full extent of it)#and also my two other friends are obviously closer to each other than with me since theyve been friends for way longer#i remember i had a conversation with one of my friends from the three girls that split away#it was something like i have to tell the class this and that etc since im the president#and i am not a very assertive person i am also very scared of being disliked. I told her i didn't want the class to hate me and she said#“everybody likes you you are friends with everyone”#it really doesn't feel that way. why do i feel like secretly they are talking shit#again i dont even know why we split up#but now i am just. Stuck in the middle#the thing is ive never even heard my other three friends talk shit and do nasty stuff with the new group/the main clique of the class#i havent seen the bad side to anything that i hear whispers about because ive never seen it#i havent been subjected to it either#i feel like i am wrong about a lot of things but i am just. blind or too deep into my people pleasing tendencies to not realize shit
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[note: i know for a fact i'm doing this for the same reason that i fixate on nebulous fandom anxieties at other times: helplessness regarding anxieties about larger geopolitical issues]
feeling in a very weird position right now thinking about the fact theres a nonzero chance that either one of the cosplayers ive become acquainted with or someone in their immediate circle could do brownface in the future and people are gonna come at me like 'hey why are you not calling them out and/or giving them a racial sensitivity seminar and/or personally fistfighting them on the floor of the doujin circle event'
#i strongly feel westerners darkening their skin for cosplay are generally doing it in an 'i know this is offensive and dont care' edgy way#but people over here largely Dont Fucking Know because the cultural context behind why it's bad is not there#and i don't...personally feel like it's my job either to educate near-strangers on this or to make a big deal out of how i condemn it#(someone i just met and already became fond of said she wants to dress as a brown character and im already getting nervous#in case she does end up painting her skin and the pics are shared around or come to the attention of the western ppl i know in fandom#imagining people that i know pointing at me and going Hey Ebil You Are Brown. So You Hate Her Now Right? Slash Why Didnt You Stop Her)#cool. great. i wish instead of brown i were Invisible Color#id actually love if eventually people over here did learn more about that through me?#not even in an I Have To Correct Them way. just a cultural exchange way. the way im glad to learn what offends japanese ppl#they might find it interesting and worth knowing! but my ass trying to lecture people right now would absolutely just be...bad. bad.#'oh i just met this american and they seemed cool but then they started going on about how i was offending american values so. gaijins eh'#it's obvious to me nothing constructive would be achieved. i just hope people understand that.#i dunno. i dunno. i dunnoooooo.
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Vent/grief
#hhhhh it always feels weird going into the notes on an old post and seeing a person i knew who passed away#like just a random old fandom post#we werent close but like. it was nice always seeing that person at meetups and feeling welcomed by them#(since i was the newcomer there for college)#i was miserable but i still really miss that time in my life and think about all the ppl i met there all the time#fuck im crying lol i wish id been better friends with literally anyone there but especially that person too#fucking social anxiety and people dying young and moving back and forth from college ugh#i wish i did a ton of things differently#i hate not being an outgoing social person#but thats how my family raised me - to be introverted and quiet bc im the weird one in this stupid rural town back at home#i had a taste at freedom and all i did was take a sip rather than the whole drink#its really hard looking back and judging myself tho bc i know i was really going through a lot w mental and physical health#but if i knew it was only going to get worse i wouldve pushed myself harder#i miss that person and everyone else i met there and its hard feeling like im not allowed to grieve for a person i hardly knew#i always feel like an outsider no matter where i am or the people im around#i dont have history with anyone so its like. how tf do u start over new when everyone else already knows each other#all the small moments of momentarily feeling like a part of a group meant so much to me#anyway im ugly crying now i gotta try to do something else#vent#personal#delete later / /#ShitPost.exe
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