#I actually dont even wanna talk to her anymore
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Hahahahhahaha what if I gave up on the one thing I've been working for the past 4 years, Bc I might never be able to develop my art skills and become worthy of being called an "artist"?? Hahahahhahahahahahahhahahhaa
#Delete later#I'M TOTALLY FINE#I'm not actually in my art regression era and want to die#WDYM??#Also I want to rant cos i can't stand this feeling#a friend laughed at my art and kept giving me 'tips' when I said I really liked it#Like I didn't ask for advice from a non-artist?? What do YOU know about art??#Okay I know that my art is lowkey ass but Im trying I SWEAR#Its hard like REALLY hard#And it doesn't help when Ive been going through art envy over every art piece I see and wish that i had Half of their skills#Which I know that these AMAZING artists worked hard for these skills I know that but I just wish I was a fast learner and actually focused#Instead of my stupid attention span#FUCK THIS SHIT#Also she told me that my chibi drawing looked funny and kept laughing and when i said what was so funny about it??#She went 'lemme laugh. Can't I laugh? 🤨'#So I responded saying that I was just asking and didn't understand her?? And she said 'yeah honestly I'm laughing at how it looks'#THEN SHE HAD THE FUCKING NERVE TO BLAME IT ON UNI AND HOW THAT PRESSURE IS MAKING HER LAUGH AT EVERYTHING#Like do I not have feelings??? Huh??#Oh yeah then I went 'I feel like ur laughing at me? Cos there's nothing funny about it??'#She went on a rampage going 'yeah it is and why are turning my laughing into a srs convo??'#And then weirdly kept saying how she wished that I was with her so we can fight over it and how it would be fun to have a fight and that-#She hadn't fought with anyone for a while and that she needs to have a fight with me????#WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK#This is so weird for her#I actually dont even wanna talk to her anymore#Literally left her on read cos I literally can't deal with her bs rn#It's 3am bitch what the fuck is wrong with you????#Who has the energy to fight??#Literally made me cry. I hate this sm. I'm not THAT sensitive. But it hurts me a lot to hear that from someone I cared for.#kai talks
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.
#im playing it all cool and funny now but atm i legit burst into tears lol#like he said i have a 'good voice too of course' but i know realistically that is not my strongest asset#and even if i were technically perfect. which im NOT lol. the voice itself is just nothing special. it's there ig but that's about it#but its nice to know i may not be 100% useless after all#(just 90%)#also apparently the most feared and respected professor who came to the concert said. again. that he likes me the most.#which again. crying real actual tears about this all rn this means literally the world to me this is everything i have#and i have no one to share this with because im not gonna say it to my uni friend cause i dont want her to feel like im boasting or sth#(even tho she has no such qualms herself but probably because i know how. not great. it feels when someone keeps talking about themselves#and about how great they are and how easy everything is for them. i dont wanna do it back at her.#well there's also the fact that i dont think im great and this is not fucking easy to me at all lol#but idk i think the difference between us is that she actually admitted she sees no point in singing if she cant show off (thus she hates#the duet we're singing because she sings the lower part and cant show off her high notes or coloratura.#which is like. an insane take to me. i mean it i get it. kinda. if i had a voice like hers maybe id be like that too fuck knows.#but that just feels so. idk. sad to me. so self obsessed and empty. like you dont care about the music itself? about you being a part of it?#also immediately made singing with her not fun anymore. i thought we were creating something TOGETHER. but thanks for the confirmation#that you only really care about being 'better than'. yikes.#like idk this behaviour is funny and iconic in old school opera legends like yes go bite each others dicks off.#but it hits completely different when it's your own colleague let alone your friend. like damn girl. damn)#) anyway. the husband is kinda hot too now that i think of it. i really should seduce them both.#except its realistically not possible since they've both seen me cry now (she saw it like a hundred times lol)#so ive lost the hot and mysterious card alas. no uni professors romance for me
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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#im such a private person irl and for what like what purpose does this serve#all it does is distance me from people and keep me from making deep deep connections i know that very well#its just the act of opening up and being vulnerable especially when people aren’t groveling for me to open up is so unimaginable and#horrible#why do i do this like why i rlly dont want to share anything abt myself i just wanna know everything abt everyone while not sharing#anything abt myself#and then at the same time i am feel deeply disconnected and not understood and not known by anyone in my life except my mom#which im grateful for at least i have her but why cant i be that same way with friends i have literally had for 20+ years#i know i have to open up unprompted like without someone begging me to do so or its just gonna get worse and worse#but at the same time if there is this friend and shes curious idk theres just a million different things running through my head and im#just not ever a 100% honest or genuine with them#i guess in a way i also want to be seen in a certain light and as a certain someone and i do try to preserve an image of sorts even though#thats ridiculous to do with your fucking friends idk i guess im pretentious as shit?#i dont even know anymore#more than anything its like often when i share sth that was hard for me to open up abt i feel like ppl dont treat that with care or at#least havent in the past#and i rlly rlly hated that a lot and just i dont know#i told my mom some of the things my friends have said to me which has upset me and she was it sounds like they dont know you at all#and then she said but can i tell you that this is your own fault#and im like. i know. whag are they supposed to do#idk why am i like this what purpose does this serve omg id love to spend a day as an oversharer irl just to get a glimpse of what its like#i know this sounds odd bcs me online is just pure word vomit but thats probably also overcompensation cause i dont share these things with#my friends aka the ppl who i should actually be talking to#anyways
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witch hat atelier is hurting my feelings
#just finished vol 7????? LITERALLY illegal??????????#i dont even wanna go into detail bc it's such a massive spoiler but JUST KNOW that last chapter gave me a thousand yard stare instantly#U CANT HIT ME W THE DOUBLE BAIT & SWITCH THE TWO TIMIN HIGH FIVIN ASS BLASTIN SQUARE DANCIN SWITCHEROO#UNETHICAL. LITERALLY FUCKED UP. WELCOME TO SHIRAHAMA'S TWISTED MIND#retag later#manga blogging#i thought it was about the whimsy. i thought we were having fun#THE PART IM TALKING ABT ISNT EVEN THAT BAD IT JUST GOT ME SO GOOD I WASNT READY#no u know what it IS that bad actually qifrey owes me 5000 dollars right now#ALSO can i stop being so EXCRUCIATINGLY PREDICTABLE KGJLAKGSLKDJK#four wonderful well-rounded female main characters and all i care about is the stinky MAN#sobbing at myself in the shower GIRL HES LINESSSSS#nobody should be allowed to draw a man hot anymore. well if it's olruggio it's fine actually. U KNOW WHO I MEAN#this IS targeted#putting up the anti gojo barrier from jjk but for qifrey#(btw that was a lie i would probably lay down my life for aggot#like if she was crossing the street i would get hit by a random car for her. like on principle)
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tagged by @lightyaoigami <3!! rules- shuffle your 'on repeat' playlist and list the first ten songs, then tag ten people!
Hayloft II - Mother Mother
You Stupid Bitch - Girl In Red
Char - Crystal Castles
Letter From A Thief - Chevelle
Cigarettes & Feelings - The Haunt
Permanent Reblellion - L.S. Dunes
I Hope You're Happy - Blue October
Guilt - Radical Face
The Middle - Jimmy Eats World
Interlude: I'm Not Angry Anymore - Paramore
tagging @cat-boy-girl @oberon-vortigern @mothscales @tuffcatdad @taekonaut @backalleysamurai @apheliavampire @chiefyartsreblogs @ohkaiden @l3irdl3rain & anyone that wants to join in!! <3
#sucktacular sucks#rb chain#yall i JUST found out there IS an actual playlist called on repeat on spotify?? LOL#i had to google this shit to find it my god ANYWAY WE'RE IN IT NOW >:3c - search 'on repeat' on your spotify and itll pop up#hayloft II coming up on the first play is so cringe but also i love it im sorry the beat fucks and it's birthdaymassacre-core u w u#B and naomi fuck in the hayloft and naomis dad shoots B (as he should) and then naomi kills her dad (as she should)!#anyway solid songs as of recent#kinda sad more of my 90s/2000s playlist isnt on here :( but its fair cuz i dont be playing it as much as my other one#i wanna do one of these but we pick one line from each song that speaks to us the most#try to remember that: I Hope You're Happy. I Hope You're Good. I hope you get what you wish for. and youre well understood#and whatever your progress. i know youll be fine. cuz i hope youre happy. even if youre not mine. - to every person ive ever held close#that isn't as close as we use to be/we dont talk anymore/our dynamic changed#those lyrics are so fucking me-core it hurts ; w ; <3#ANYWAY THANKS FOR TAG MEEEE <3
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apparently i did not Break Up with my ex good enough cause ppl thought we were still together ???
#tbf i havent talked to them since last yr either tho So whoops ‼️#its ok i dont even talk to my ex anymore she like. Does Not acknowledge me anymore but who cares#its so funny cause we didnt Tell most of irls we were dating or that we broke up cause she wanted to keep it all Private#AND ONE OF MY CURRENT CLOSEST FRIENDS THOUGHT IW AS DATING HER BSF LMAOAO#me and madison just play flirt i do that w everyone i dont want to Actually call her my omega kitten while kissing her 😞#anyway back to doodles im stjll sick and solace is telling me to study but naur i dont wanna#post#seashel
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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😐
#ive been added to this gc for the 3rd or 4th time after i explicitly asked to NOT be added back bc im always fucking getting ignored like#last time the person who added me was like omg i hope this is ok and i was like no it’s actually not ok i dont wanna be added back please#dont add me back and she was like omg im so sorry i totally understand :( and she did it again 😑#the reason i didnt wanna be added back was bc i considered them my best friends at some point but ever since like the p*ndemic started#everything just went downhill and on one hand i understand they have their own lives and don’t have time to answer etc but on the other hand#they never had time to reply to MYYYYYY messages specifically 🙃 and it hurt bitch to be always the one ignored#and the reason i havent left this time like i just didnt care to be added back was bc idc anymore like alsjfjfk im still in contact to#whoever i wanna be in contact with i still text someone individually like i don’t need to be in a group setting to be friends with this#person and she’s mentioned a bunch of times how dead it is lmao so i was like wtv i do send a text once in a blue moon but it’s not as#active as it was when i originally left so it’s not obvious when im ignored lol BUT!!!!!!#the person who added me back…. the person who IGNORED my boundaries and request to leave me the fuck alone has ignored every single message#ive sent since she added me back :)#like she literally just wants public for her little show and she did this even before i left and was the main person why i left lmao bc the#rest were like going through stuff and i was like u cant be here i get it but she’s always ANYWAYS SO ABOUT ME!!!#i literally sent a text i think yesterday? and she didn’t reply to it at all but she just started talking about herself like 😑 WHY DID U ADD#ME BACK!!!! u dont ‘miss US’ lmfao u miss that i kept the gc alive which gave u attention !!!!#i dont want to be ur fucking spectator go post it on fb#anyways end of rant 😌
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#kinda fucked up that 2020 feels like it was just yesterday#and i was like 'damn i guess i havent really felt like a person since then'#but i know that's not true because i didn't feel like a person before that either#I've been in a slow downward spiral since getting covid last year and remembering that the whole time i was in school#i was just doing it because thats what i was told i should do#i dont feel like I've made a single impactful decision ever in my own fucking life#i talked about it with my therapist last year but i cant responsibly afford to go back to her anyways#and its not like ive made any real progress on anything#i probably haven't seen a doctor since i was in high school#i dont know what i want to be called#i dont know what i want to even DO with myself#because I've just been doing whatever my mom says to for so fucking long#i shouldn't have gone to college until i had something i actually wanted to do#and now i have stupid ass loans and for what?#not a fucking degree!#i dropped out four years ago and havent done a goddamn useful thing since!#i feel stupid and useless and directionless#i miss my friends#i wish there was something i was at all good at but i cant even get rid of things i dont want because i dont even know what that means#because if we're looking at it objectively i dont want *any* of the things i have right now#i hate my clothes i hate my room i dont use any of my art tools anymore and even my physical body is rejecting me#i can't even SLEEP right#fucking hell#delete later#my birthday is in a week and im lowkey wondering if it would have been better if my mom never had me lmfao#I've done nothing I've said i was going to do so whats even the point#I've got a cat I've gotta look after for a few days in november so obviously we're gonna keep cruisin but GOD i dont wanna be here#my issues arent even that bad in the grand scheme of things but because theyre happening to me it feels so much more intense because well#my life is the lens in which i experience the world lmfao#ive pretended like everythings fine for all my life but these cracks just keep getting bigger and im really not enjoying that at all!
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I dont wanna sound all "ooh tiktok scary i hate modern technology" but as an autistic person who is surrounded by lots of neurodivergent people, it honestly scares me how many people I see these days get their interests and hyperfixations from algorithms. They're not organically finding interests, its something that was pushed to them by algorithms.
I don't know how to put it into words, but in an age where we can't own the software we buy, do we even own our interests anymore? How do we know our latest hobby isn't something astroturfed by a business manipulating the algorithm?
#ive been thinking about this after talking with my little sister about the music tastes of people her age#she has a pretty normal music taste#and by that i mean shes obsessed with niche musicals and listens to stuff 100 years old#but her friends who are equally as weird queer and autistic..... they only listen to the most mainstream stuff#like i rlly dont wanna sound all “oh im so weird i dont listen to mainstream music”#but when the WEIRDOS arent even listening to weird music anymore...im scared#i dont like the radio but it weirds me out that teens dont listen to the radio anymore#all their new music comes from fucking tiktok#it genuinely terrifies me omfg#like how do u know ur taste is actually ur own if u only listen to whats spoon fed to you?
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they need to invent a killing yourself that just makes a point but doesn't actually kill you
#dont wanna die but do want some ppl to fucking listen ykwim#i say listen as tho ive talked abt how miserable i am lol but also#when both parents made my cancer into all how They felt abt it (it inconvenienced my father & my mom was just so sad u see)#[<- tangent bc i understand that. yeah duh she would be upset. but it was so fun that /i/ had to comfort /her/ abt how sick //i// was]#Anyway. when fuckin cancer didnt give me a valid excuse to have feelings that deserve to be cared abt or god forbid prioritized#'living here has undone all my work into Not being suicidal anymore' and even 'if im still here by end of nexg year i might actually kms'#wont uh. wont fuckun matter. lol . lmao even. bc Why Would I Want To Move Out <- quote#anyway. collapses into a heap#sorrel speaks#suicide ment
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#anyway.#i cba to . rehash everything rn so this is gonna b out of context (im almost breaching the nda)#i have to fucking zwrve him again i might just spit in his drink actually .#like . im half splitting bx im hurt .ike half of this is fuelled by an episode of some kind#++ likw i am absolutely reacting over Nothing rn .#but . ive had enough lmao im gonna have to talk to osme9ne#and ask abt working at the other place bc this is . imapcting ky ability to work. like 100%#like AHDJEBDIDHSIDJDSIJD. i had a fucking panic attack + got him kicked iut#bc i couldnt FOCUS . i was hyperventilating .#i cant do this anymore. all od this is awful .#im running out of options idk what to do anymore lolololololol#im not going uptosn this . week either .#im gonna use the $50 i was saving on . another lot of 🌿 instead .#i cant do this . i cant fucking be around him anymors. i cant exist in the same orbit as him .#this is fuckign bullshit its Killing Me.#so i rlly gotta fucking Retreat that feels.so Fucking Pathwtic#that . im in such an emotionally confused Nd heightened stats#that i cant even go n be around ppl i like ha ging oit w . bc theres such a high fucking chance hes gonna b there#like. i know what ur doing. ur not that cruel . not unless u had smrh to prove#or . was trying to get a reaxrion from me. congrats u achieved it. but its not the one u aanted !#like i could b reading that wrobg. the alternative is . he rlly hates me that much he Wantes to hurt me#deliberatsly.#theres a differencs jn this but i dont wanna talk abt it.#anywat that is Not Coherent but i know what im referring to .#i wanna fucking Hate Him. like if i could just Hate Him.#thatd Be So Much Easier. but No. its not .#like i rlly had to tell my fucking manager#that my ex was here n i was fucking Panucking so much i needed him kicked iut.#i wasnt even Sure how to fucking . likw . saying it was abusive to her uust so i didnt have to L99k at him was so fucked up#its not . Entirely Wrong. vut . i hate referring to it as an abusice relationship bx it doesnt entirely make sense
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Vent about mother.
Me *looking for things to sew, a hobby I adore but don't always have time for*
Mom *barges into my house (not room, house) and asked if I want to go do something I have routinely said no to and have stated that it causes me pain*
Me: no
Mom: why do you always say no to me, you're so mean to me
Me *fed up of this*: because you always ask to walk, which hurts, then you say only a small walk, then push and push and push the fucking goal post, making me feel like shit, and then I'm in pain all day after
Mom: fine sheesh you don't have to [the rest is mumbles as she storms out]
Me *lost all motivation to do the things I wanted to and no longer want food*
#heyyyy what if moms actually listened to you#you think that would be insane#''I never see you in pain. therefore you never are''#yeah no. nuh uh. not how that works. i dont TELL YOU because YOU act like im hurting you pay saying it#now I have to deal with the aftermath of this bull shit#i just wanna lay down#i want to sleep for three years#i dont want to fucking do this anymore#and i cant say any of this to my irl friends because i dont talk to them about any of this#they batly know the surface stuff#and thats only for emergencies aka i faint or my back seizes up#they see my mom. someone who apologizes when they did wrong. someone who suports what i want (ti an extent). someone who listens#in comparison i have it easy. i cant complain about a mom who doesn't believe in medicine despite having a disabled daughter#not like shes ever used that word. and ill never use it infront of her cuz that will be a huge fight#they dont see the ever present anger#they dont see the heavy drinking. even if its just from thursday to Saturday. i still have all of those fight lodged in my head#the axe never remembers. but the tree never forgets
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