#I STILL HAVE SOMETHING I FINISHED IN JANUARY THAT I NEED TO POST DANG IT XD

[7goodangel]

Oh gosh... the urge to draw some spoiler-y things from a show that just recently concluded is now high XD

[thickness-protection-program]

Hoe Story Yikes Part 2 : Electric Boogaloo, I'm so sorry it's a long story and I'm kind of venting cause every now and again i get that "wah i miss him" when he was a huge asshole,

tl;dr: Got into a relationship after i moved states, he was extremely possessive and manipulative, broke up with him after 9 months of enduring it, 4 months after the breakup he catfishes me on grindr to ambush me in my apartment and curse me out.

AND HERE'S THE LONG VERSION FOR WHOEVER CARES

So last year (2021), I quarter life crisis'd myself into moving to another state instead of going to therapy, flew into a relationship about 10 days after I moved, got love bombed, let him move in like the following week, then over the course of the following 9 months submitted to ever increasing possessiveness and manipulation chasing the high of the thought that someone wanted me for me and didnt just fetishize that I'm a 6'7" Blatino gamer.

Now when I say possessiveness im talkin: got upset when i went to a store without him (closest supermarket is literally walking distance around the corner from the apartment complex), I gave him my phone pin, my computer pin, i made sure to spend time with him when he came home from his night job even if i opened at work the next day, when i got my dream work from home graphic design job he didnt like it because "then id just have guys over when he left", he didnt like that my supervisor at the new job is gay, always asked if I knew who posted something i liked or retweeted if it was someone who thotposts and shitposts, thought my discord girlies were all flirting with each other cause we have raunchy gay humor, and so on and so forth.

For 9 Months. As if I didnt indulge in his hobbies of LARPing, going with him to another state for like the biannual rules meeting of this larp thing that he had his own chapter of, i did all of the branding and half of the initial story writing for his chapter cause I enjoyed it and wanted him to pull it off, took him to my home state to see my friends and family, we planned a valentines trip to hawaii, we were looking at houses to buy, we were talking marriage, cleaned if he cooked, cooked if he cleaned, didnt say anything even if it bothered me to how his clothes were literally all over the floor all over this small ass apartment.

Mid to Late november I felt like things were okay and going fine, finally looking up, i stopped leaving my phone in the open to see if he would ease up but of course he would just go through my computer while im working in the living room. Christmas comes around and not 2 seconds after we finish opening presents he asks if he can have my phone again like a child asking for their confiscated toy back and i felt something snap in my brain. So after festering until January (2022) I broke it off with him and told him i needed my space and to re-re-establish boundaries and Im moving back to my home state when my lease runs up. February I had to kick him out of the apartment cause he wanted to stay with me until I left (but i felt like it was to make sure no one else could get their hands on me). I keep in touch with him cause Im still clinging on to the good memories even though the bad was waaaay worse but over time the texting got stale and after I poured my heart out to him for like the 4th time i got a "Yeah" in response and nothing else. and i was like okay cool i got the memo, have a good life.

SO i get back on the apps last week (April), in one part to be social after being held captive for almost a year and in another to satiate baser instincts. Couple of days go by and im feelin particularly salacious and bottomy so I cast a net while im working and hosing down the chimney. Someone takes the bite and at this point it's like midnight, almost 1 am, i havent eaten, he was Cute Enough so i was like yeah come over whatever. as he said he was getting closer, he said do you wanna just leave the door open and wait for me on the bed and me being a disgusting dangerous hoe said sure just lock the door behind you. Mind you im in nothing but a jock on my bed, i hear the door, im like alright lets get down to business.

I turn to look and it's my Ex.

He fully catfished me with someone elses face and nudes and then he starts popping off going "Wow. You're a horrible person, youre a whore, i wish you were dead, you ruined so much for me, i want you out of my life and out of this state" and im in nothing but my jock still, fully gooped and gagged that he had the audacity to do this, and the only words i managed in the middle of his tirade was "Are you serious", then he stormed out of the apartment. I wasn't scared cause I knew he wouldn't get physical with me (cause i'd win) but this is gonna be fun to talk to my therapist about.

:)

I... I want to fight him and I want to hug you lol. I'm glad you're ok but babe we can't be letting our need for dick cum before our safety! But tbh I probably would've called the cops or my homegirls on him or something like... He would've got spin kicked in his throat. Thots and gayers for you bestie 😅 and once again I'm glad you're ok

[blancamz]

“It’s Over Isn’t It” Reanimation progress

Honestly one of my favourite parts about animating is posting the WIPs online. Here’s the step-by-step of how I went about doing my reanimation for the end section of “It’s Over Isn’t It” from the Steven Universe episode Mr. Greg.

1) Idea and Prep

I was flicking through Steven Universe: Art & Origins. I think at the time I must’ve been between jobs or bored or something, because it came into my head to do a bit of animation based on the pilot style SU. I’ve always been quite fond of the pilot style, especially Pearl’s David Bowie / LaRoux look. The little tux design by Hellen Jo was quite snazzy as well, so I decided to have a go at doing a segment of “It’s Over Isn’t It”, using these designs.

I traced the turnaround from the book in Clip Studio Paint and approximated Jo’s design to it. At first I had the colour turnaround, but did the low-colour turnaround with the heads to give me a better idea of where the lines are and proportions of the body. I also get a clip of “It’s Over Isn’t It” and trim it down to the section I want to do.

This is a long one so strap in.

2) Sketch Pass

I’ll be using gifs that show the first 100-130 frames of the animation, because the full segment is 22 seconds long.

Very very loose animation of what I’m going to be doing with this segment, done in Adobe Animate. I have a video of the real segment in the corner of the stage and audio in the timeline, and closely reference them for layout and acting.

I’ve decided I want to go really nuts with the animation. Lots of angles on her face, smooth movement, secondary animation / follow-through on her various clothing elements. Technically her earring’s supposed to be on the other side but I want to animate that flailing around dangit, so I change it so it faces the camera.

3) Rough Pass

I tidy up the rough I did somewhat. It’s still very rough, but Pearl is better proportioned and the motion is more complete. I get a better idea of how she moves by focusing on drawing keys (the most important drawings) and breakdowns (drawings that help you figure out the motion a little bit, without full animation). I have Pearl, her suit, ruffles and earring on separate layers so I can turn things on and off or lower their opacity as needed.

4) Tiedowns

At some point between the rough and tie-down phase I realized that I’d been animating at 30fps instead of 25fps like I’d meant to, so I had to end up shifting all the roughs I’d been doing. Bad news: having to wrestle with getting the timings I’d so carefully planned out in the rough to still look good. Good news: I have to animate and clean up 5 fewer frames per second, so that’s 110 fewer drawings to worry about. Yussssss. For reference, the above clip has now gone from 132 frames to 107.

During the tiedown phase, I go over the roughs and more carefully try to match the proportions in the turnaround. I keep a flattened version of the first frame of animation to use as reference thoughout to prevent morphing. Sometimes when you’re animating, things will get bigger or small as you re-draw them, so it’s good to have a base drawing to refer back to and make the sizes stay consistent.

At this point I’m way more aware of reasons behind the big design change for Pearl between the pilot and the show. She’s so dang skinny and tall with that extra poof of hair up top that she’s really annoying to frame up. If you want to keep all of her in the frame, there’s going to be tons of empty space.

I also find that my turnaround isn’t enough reference for Pearl’s awkwardly-shaped head. I snap me a bunch of screenshots of pearl’s head from different angles and collate them into a big sheet.

5) Inbetweening

Inbetweening, aka filling out all the gaps in the timeline between the keys and breakdowns. If you’ve done your keys and BD’s well, inbetweening can be a pretty straight-forward.

But I’ve got like a million bits of secondary animation to content with, which means this still takes a significant amount of time. The hair and ruffles have to move a little later than the rest of the body, and some parts of the ruffles have to move at a different rate from the rest. I’m trying to animate like there’s wind since Pearl’s on top of a tall building. I keep animating until it feels good enough.

This is what my timeline and stage look like in Animate by this point. The animation is mostly on 2s, with some 1s, 3s and 4s thrown in when needed.

6) Cleanup and Colour

I did the cleanup in Toon Boom Harmony. As a program, I like it was more than Animate, even though it isn’t without it’s flaws. But it’s also really dang expensive. Fortunately, by this point I’d been working on the upcoming Deadendia series for Netflix. What with the pandemic, we were working from home and the studio gave me a license for Toon Boom. So I exported my frames from Animate, put ‘em in TB and started cleaning up.

I’ve found that cleanup is something that’s often offloaded to new or less experienced artists at studios because blah it’s just tracing the rough animation. But you’ve got good cleanup and bad cleanup, and a good cleanup artist will compensate for flaws in volume and have a good, clear and natural line.

I’m not terribly fond of doing cleanup myself. I feel I tend to end up rushing, which leads to sloppy work. I tried really hard to keep up a standard here.

7) Comping

a.k.a. Compositing, the final layering of the various elements before exporting a film. Another stage I don’t quite care for because of its nuances. Also drawing backgrounds.

I admit that I’m not very good at drawing backgrounds or environments. I tried to do the one for the second shot of this animation, since it was acutally really important. In shots 1 and 3, you don’t really see the ground or even the railing that Pearl is leaning on, but 2 is a wide shot. My first attempts at it were unfortunate. Fortunately my husband @joe-sparrow is both good at backgrounds and good at imitating the style and colour palette of the show. He volunteered to do the BGs and I accepted. See mine vs. his:

So yeah, get me some nice backgrounds, put the animation on top, then fiddle with a couple of elements in the comp to give things a little bit more depth. During this stage, errors that had happened during the animation progress that I hoped would just go away became annoyingly obvious, so there was a fair bit of going back to fix them.

So that’s how I done made this animation. I started April 2018 and posted in on January 1st 2021, so that’s over 1.5 years it took me to do these 22 seconds of animation. However, I wasn’t working on it continuously through that time. Sometimes I’d be working on it every day, other times I’d not touch it for weeks or months at a time. It really depended on how busy or whatever I was at the time. I think if I’d been working on it non-stop, it still would’ve taken me at least like 2-3 months to finish it.

If you made it to the end of this post, I hope you found all this information interesting.

Happy drawing.

It’s over, isn’t it.

[ahiddenpath]

Camp Digimonth 2022 Halfway Point

So @crestofenlightenment reminded me that @campdigimonth is almost halfway over!!!  Dude!  Wild!  I decided to take a look at where I am and where I want to be.  

More beneath the cut!

It’s been so great to see people working on their digimon projects and checking in!  I’m really looking forward to corralling the works in an AO3 collection, too.  I’ll link it when we start getting submissions, but folks have through March to do it, if they need time to edit/finalize things they made in January.

As for me, I’ve edited 5 updates of Puits d’Amour, made 4 finished drawings, and have 2 more in the works.  To be honest, I wish I were further along in editing- I’ve got 7 more updates to edit, so if I manage to polish 5 more, I’ll still have 2 left untouched- but I’m really pleased with the care I’m putting into it and the improvement I’m seeing.    

I don’t wanna hype it up too much, especially because I’m sure this story isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but dang I’m working hard on it.  And that’s always something to be proud of!  My editing has been... deep, thoughtful, goal/theme/characterization driven, and plentiful xD

I should say, though, that the first draft isn’t complete!  It’s the 50k manuscript I made in Nanowrimo.  But I suppose 12 updates is 24 weeks, so if I post every other week starting in February, that’s 6 months of updates, so I’d theoretically be set until July.  Wonder what I’ll work on during that window?  Yeesh, should I be thinking about that?

Well, regardless, I’m working hard and getting things done!  I hope you’re doing well and looking forward to the digimon content that will hit soon :D

[leiakenobi]

Title: Inhale, Exhale Fandom: Inside Llewyn Davis Pairing: Llewyn Davis/Reader Rating: Teen (warning for some fairly heavy discussion of mental health) Word Count: 1.8k Summary: Llewyn doesn’t like Valentine’s Day, and he won’t tell you why.

A/N: Happy Valentine’s Day to @be-the-spark-flyboy, who I got matched up with in @sergeantkane’s Oscar fandom Valentine’s fic exchange! You described Llewyn melting when you touch his hair, and this concept actually came to me almost immediately. Pretty dang heavy on the hurt part of hurt/comfort, but I hope the fic brings you some joy. I had an absolute blast writing for you. Also posted to AO3 here!

---

Llewyn doesn’t like Valentine’s Day, and he won’t tell you why.

Frankly, you should have realized sooner. It first came up around three months into your relationship, when he asked whether you’d seen a film, and you told him that you saw it on Valentine’s Day with an old boyfriend. He soured at once, but you explained it away—you probably shouldn’t have mentioned an ex on a date. What a bad, bad idea.

Then again, around seven months in. December began, winter was setting in in earnest, and you lamented the fact that the season made Manhattan feel so dreary. “At least we have Christmas and New Year’s to help keep up the cheer. And then obviously Valentine’s Day.”

Again—Llewyn tensed. This time, you assumed it was that he still felt a little strange about commitment. It had been a while since he had much of a serious relationship, you knew.

But January eases into February, and you flip over your kitchen calendar. Llewyn’s in the shower and you call out, “We should probably make a reservation soon.”

“For what, sweetheart?” His voice echoes around the walls of the bathroom and carries out to you. It’s warm and rich and God do you love him.

“Valentine’s Day, babe. Most of the good places will be full before we know it.”

Silence. Long stretch of silence. You’d been in the middle of preparing your breakfast, but you find yourself standing still, straining to listen. As though maybe he’s just replying very, very quietly. (Absurd.)

“Can we talk about this when I get out?” he calls at last.

You hesitate. “Okay.”

What follows is the longest ten minutes of your life, during which Llewyn finishes up his shower. When he comes to join you in the kitchen, he’s clad only in pants; he pulls on an undershirt after sitting down across from you at the kitchen table. “You’ve hardly touched your breakfast,” he remarks, looking down at the food in front of you with concern.

“Not really hungry,” you murmur. How were you supposed to eat while wondering why the hell he doesn’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day with you?

It seems to hit him, then, how his reaction has come off, because his eyes widen, and he grabs your hands from the tabletop and clutches them tight. “Shit, I’m sorry, babe. I promise it’s not about you, or anything to do with us. I’d take you out to a nice dinner and spoil you rotten any day of the week, I really would. Just…” His brow furrows, and he licks his lips as he hesitates over his next words. “I’m not really a fan of Valentine’s Day. What if we just had a quiet night in on the 14th? And then we could go out some other night.”

From his soft, cautious tone, you can tell that he knows his request might not thrill you. And, well, he’s right; you feel almost certain that there’s something he’s not saying, and it’s taking everything in you to not run through some rough possibilities…

Most of which end in – please God no – “break-up.”

But you pull yourself back from that whirlpool of dangerous speculation, and you swallow, and you nod. “Sure, babe. If you want a quiet night, I want that too.”

You tell yourself it’s not a lie, and to some degree, it’s not—but you want him to want a special night out as much as you do. You want him to tell you why he doesn’t.

Llewyn laces your fingers together, his eyes searching your face. There’s so much love and affection there—how could this be about doubting your relationship? Surely he wouldn’t look at you that way if he were thinking of ending things. “Pick the place, and I’ll make it happen. Just not on Valentine’s Day.”

So you pick a place, and he presses gentle kisses to your forehead, your cheeks, your lips, before getting up to finish his morning routine.

Neither of you mention the holiday for several days after that. You try not to even think about it, and for the most part, you manage, except for a gutting moment when your co-workers ask if you and Llewyn have any Valentine’s Day plans and you have to smile and light-heartedly say, “We decided to do a quiet night.”

A chorus of, “Oh.” Unable to conceal their surprise and disappointment. Oh, they didn’t realize that… Llewyn was cheap? A bad boyfriend? That things had soured between you? No doubt several options run through their heads, although they’re gracious enough not to express any of them to you.

It hurts.

You try not to let it.

You go out for dinner the weekend before Valentine’s Day, and Llewyn is… beautiful, and tender, and warm. He takes you to a Broadway play afterward, and he can’t stop grumbling about the incidental music as you take the subway home.

It should feel perfect, and you tell yourself it does.

On the 14th, you wake up to Llewyn curled around you. He holds you tight, his fingers splayed across your stomach and his face buried in your hair. And when you try to get up, he pulls you close again. “Not yet,” he whispers. “Please.”

You close your eyes and lean into him, linking your fingers with his. He presses sporadic kisses to the crown of your head, and you feel so damn safe.

Finally, he lets you get up.

“Do you want the shower first?” you ask him.

“No, you go ahead. I’ll be up in a bit.”

He’s not. He’s dozing when you get out of the shower, and still after you’ve prepared and eaten your breakfast.

You hesitate in the doorway, looking over him, before crossing the room to sit on the bed. You trace your fingers through his hair, watching him blink slowly to look up at you. His eyes crinkle softly. “Are you feeling alright?” you whisper.

“Sure I am,” he whispers back. “Just tired.”

“Are you sure? Because I can call in a sick day if you wanted me to stay home and look after you.”

Llewyn scoffs, rolling his eyes at you. “Go to work. I’m getting up soon, I promise.”

You give him a slow nod. “Call me if you change your mind?”

“I won’t change my mind.” With a stern look from you, he sighs and grabs for your hand, pulling you down to kiss you gently. “But if I do, I’ll call you.”

So you nod, kiss him once more, and leave.

What is it that you’re missing, here? You puzzle over it on the subway, and then at work, thinking about how close he held you. How counter-intuitive his tenderness seemed when he’d balked at the idea of making anything romantic out of the holiday.

You clear out for lunch, and you’re about halfway to your favorite diner when you decide to redirect your course and rush down the nearest entrance to the train.

This is ridiculous. Llewyn doesn’t do this—maybe he’s not always the most forthcoming person in the world, but you can’t remember another time when he’s been needlessly opaque. So you should be up-front about the fact that he’s both confused and worried you. Because honestly, you still can’t shake the feeling that something was wrong this morning.

Your apartment is quiet when you ease the door open. You don’t go home for lunch often – too many meals-turned-quickies that made you get back to work late – but you’re used to the place being filled with music by now.

Either Llewyn, practicing in the living room, or playing records and whistling along while he does food prep.

Now, though, the silence is eerie.

“Llewyn?”

He doesn’t answer.

Check the living room—not there. Kitchen and bathroom—same.

It is very clear, from the moment you return to the doorway of your bedroom, that Llewyn hasn’t moved since you left. He’s lying on his stomach, cradling his pillow under his head with one arm while his other arm is outstretched.

Reaching out for where you should be.

“Baby,” you breathe. You retrace the same path that you made earlier, stepping into the room, settling on the edge of the bed. Your hand smooths over his head, and as you tenderly card through his curls, he begins to stir.

He makes a muffled mmf noise into his pillow and scoots closer to you, pulls you closer—his outstretched hand finds your waist, holding you tight while his head settles against your thigh. “What’re you doin’ home?” Voice creaky from sleep.

“Needed to talk to you,” you tell him gently. Your fingers winding around his hair absent-mindedly. “I think it’s time we talk about Valentine’s Day, don’t you? Whatever’s got you like this.”

Llewyn doesn’t say anything for a long, long time. Maybe you’d have thought that he’d drifted off to sleep again, but his thumb is tracing circles over your hip.

“Mike died on Valentine’s Day, babe.”

Oh.

Your stomach drops at his words, because shit, you should’ve known. Here you’d been overthinking his reticence to celebrate a stupid holiday and it hadn’t even occurred to you…

“Five years ago,” he offers up, too. “I didn’t… Last year was better. Even the year before that was okay. I felt weird about doing something extravagant, but I didn’t expect to hurt so much today.”

“I don’t know if that’s how it works,” you whisper. “Doesn’t it just… come back sometimes?”

“Not like this.” And you know what he means—you’re both remembering nights when he got listless, threw on If We Had Wings and poured you both a large drink. Hell, even the time you had to run up to Yonkers for the day to meet a client, and he decided to come with you… only to get a glimpse of the George Washington Bridge on the drive home.

He’d blanched and gone near-silent for the rest of the night.

Yes, the hurt comes back sometimes, but not like this. Not this bad.

Pressing a soft kiss to your thigh, he says, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I really didn’t think I’d feel this way right now.”

“God, please don’t apologize.” You might laugh if it weren’t so damn serious. As it is, you just climb into bed in earnest, kicking your shoes off and tucking yourself under the covers with him, still fully clothed. “I was scared this was about me, babe. But Mike…” Mike, whom he almost never talks about without a drink in him, even now. “I get why you didn’t tell me.” Softer, as you curl yourself around him: “I’m glad you told me now, though.”

Llewyn exhales shakily. Maybe a laugh? Almost? “Never about you, sweetheart. You’re exactly what I needed today.”

“Then you’ve got me,” you whisper. “Anything you want, I’m here.”

He swallows and blinks at you. “Just want you to hold me, babe. Please.”

You take in a long, slow breath, and you nod.

Llewyn buries his face in your neck, and the two of you exhale almost as one.

[danpuff-ao3]

Fic Writer Wrapped - 2021 Edition

Thanks for the tag @severus-dramatic-gothic-nerd

Also will be going with "fic published" to keep things straight!

How many stories did you complete?

23 posted. 1 is a wip and 2 are drabble collections I'm adding to as inspiration strikes! Which leaves...20 complete!

What is your total word count for the year?

64,774

What fandoms did you write in this year?

Harry Potter

Did you write more, less, or roughly about what you expected?

Waaaay more! Especially considering the huge chunk of writer's block I dealt with around the middle of the year.

What’s your favorite story of the year?

Oh this is such a hard one! I wrote 23 things so like....how to narrow it down? Okay I'm gonna stick to my usual nonsense and list more than one. 😂

Collateral Damage (Draco/Ron) - it was the longest fic I wrote in 2021 and not even for my OTP! It was a blast to write, not only as a fun prompt to explore, but also learning how much I love Draco's POV (and how easy it came to me!)

Spaghetti (Harry/Snape, kind of) - which means Severus doesn't actually appear in the story. It's a story that is both about Harry and his friends (present) but also Harry with Severus (thoughts/feelings about his relationship coming through when he tries to tell his friends.) It's a concept I've been wanting to write for a while, Harry's friends not reacting well to Snarry, and finally made it come alive! And I'm really, really happy with the finished product.

Loverboy at Play (Harry/Snape) - wrote this one in a day for Kinktober and I love it!!!! I wrote so many kinks and concepts I'd been wanting to for a while and they all came together magically for Kinktober! (Why did it not occur to me to combine virgin!top!Harry with Parseltongue kink before then, I have no idea.)

What is your most underappreciated story of the year?

Hard to say! The stories that didn't do well, I didn't really expect to do well. (Gen stories, rare pairs, content warnings, etc.) But I'll list 3 that I love that I wish more people loved, too.

Spaghetti (Harry/Snape) - yup, one of my faves made it to this list 😂 Mostly because I love it so much and I wish more people loved it as much as I do. But I think "Harry's friends reacting badly to his relationship with Snape" is a pretty specific concept that likely I'm the only one dying for more of. 😂

Choice (Harry/Snape) - deals with touchy subject matter like mpreg and contemplations of abortion. There's no real plot. Just lotsa thoughts and feelings. But it's a story that meant a lot to me that I still love dearly and think about often. Another one I think is just too specific to what my heart needed and not what other people care about. 😅

Teardrop in Your Palm (Scorpius/Harry; background Harry/Snape): I think the specific combination of ships is too odd, and the non-con aspect probably drove people off, too. Oh and the underage bit. But I love this story, dang it! Angst and all. Another one I wrote in a day for Kinktober!

Biggest fanfic-related disappointment of 2021?

Probably the fact that I didn't finish smile with sweet surprise. Chapter 1 went up May 5 and....now it's January 2022. 😂 At least I'm making progress with it finally.

Biggest fanfic-related surprise of 2021?

Boxes & Baubles got more love than I expected! Enough love that it had a podfic made of it as well as a Russian translation! I'm very glad because I love that story a lot, I just wasn't expecting it! 😄

Also the fact that I busted out of my writer's block with a vengeance during Kinktober! 11 of those 23 posted fics were written from October to December!! 27,001 words of what I wrote and posted in that time period. I wrote way more than what was posted in that time period!!!!

Something you look forward to working on in 2022?

More of smile with sweet surprise! I'm pretty determined to finish that fic this year. Final product should be 4-5 chapters so...doable I think! (But I also thought that last year so 🤷‍♀️) I have lots of fics I'd like to work on. Another Yes, Daddy story. Another Draco/Remus story. Some other ideas sitting in my 2022 Scrivener project. But I especially want to plot, at the very least, one of the longfic ideas I have.

Tag yourself and do this if you like!

[lostmoonbunny]

Greetings from a Panini World

Yes, I did call this a "panini". I'm hesitant to use the word "pandemic" as I feel many of us have a knee jerk reaction to hide from everything once hearing or seeing that word. However that's the current stat of events. The year? 2021 Where I am located its very much so post quarantine and society has attempted to "return to normal" but its impossible. Between the anti- maskers, anti-vaxxers, and everything else it truly is impossible. "What do you mean?" you ask, well allow me to take you on a journey of a human that has gone through this "history in the making" and share what its been like since January 2020 to September 2021 from the eyes of someone that lived it. -I will preface this with saying, there will be gaps, I have trouble with object permanence, concept of time, and I have memory issues due to past concussions so bear with me as we stumble through the memories of my experiences.

So here we go... Let's travel back to January 2020.

2020..Ahhh the big year of "Clear vision".. HA! No, not today. What I remember was being concerned about this horrible virus but didn't think it would make its way to where I lived.. ( I would be unsurprisingly corrected shortly after this.) I worked, had my birthday, and it was quickly February. The virus was quickly spreading and making its way downtown walking fast faces past.. oops..sorry I got sidetracked, it was making its way down throughout the nation. We celebrated my partner's birthday, and soon after the month was over. February always flies by. March...ahh March, this is where everything started changing for me. Many states were shutting down around us fairly quickly too. ( I have opinions about how the US should've shut down sooner, but we're not here for politics...but yes it should've happened sooner.) My partner, younger brother and I made a last minute trip to the next state for a day trip. Which was fun don't get me wrong but the places we went to shut down for the state's quarantine the next day. My state would follow barely a week later. I was furloughed. That..that was an experience. All of us received the same message as it was a group message. It stated that we were all effectively unemployed ( so we could apply for benefits if we chose to) and that if and when we reopen that they hoped we could come back. I immediately messaged my boss and the boss that messaged us all and double checked learning that I was on the "short list" for rehires. That made me fee a bit better but I was still sad. My partner was considered "an Essential worker" so they worked through the entire lockdown. I swear Animal Crossing New Horizons is one of the only things that got me through that.. from this all the days blended together till June. Not don't get me wrong, plenty of things happened on a personal growth side that was beneficial like I started going to therapy, got even closer to my cousin that lives on the west coast, I played with my cats and dogs more, I caught up on sleep, all sorts of things but the way it had to happen sucked. Also in this time period, my favorite uncle contracts the virus and is put in the ICU on a ventilator. I don't remember how long he was in there but he made it. He is now healthy and survived the virus. So lets fast forward to June. My place of work reopened under specific guidelines. Now I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but I live in the southeast. The southeast, in summer is AWFUL. Its hot, its humid, and then if it DOES rain that humidity just goes up and it gets worse. To give you an idea while the temperature might say its 84 degrees F but the real feel might be 95F. I don't know why they don't just say 95F but that's how it is the southeast... So imagine if you will mid June, being reopened with special rules, masks required for everyone 5 years old and older, and no buildings but restrooms open to the public. The amount of rude, hateful, uncaring people almost made me lose my complete faith in humanity, and its not very high to begin with. Also for context, I work in retail. I feel that says enough there. These rules extend till the end of the year and into part of 2021. While all of this is happening the US is having their presidential elections and everyone has crawled out of the woodwork that you had hoped would stay there. At this point I'm hoping for the best because we really need a paradigm shift in society. We need to truly need to change as a society and in many way, catch up to the rest of the world. I finally gave in a got to tiktok and realize that it is very much a time devourer. I've realized that I feel as if the term "Cassflux" fits how I feel about my gender best, and fully accepted my journey on the path of being a witch.

Lets move in to October, October I ( and my partner) travel to Texas (cautiously) for my cousin's socially distant wedding and our anniversary. That was amazing and the slight escape from reality was truly needed. On our way back we made a stop in NOLA and it was a fun visit, but I realized my baby witch self hadn't veiled or warded myself nearly enough and it got all of "spidey senses" all out of wack. knowing now what I should've done, I do want to go back. The rest of the year went by both incredibly slow and yet in a flash. The US elected a new president, I was working as hard a possible to avoid the virus as much as possible and my partner had gotten a new job with a different company that was making them more happy. So this brings us to 2021. This is the year that I feel that I am truly coming into my own despite living in the middle of a global Panda Express. January brings my turning a landmark age and celebrating it with a new hair style, new outlook on life, progress made in therapy, more self acceptance, and just overall more happiness. The world is still the same, better, but also worse. The vaccine is being produced, distributed, and made accessible. February brings another birthday with my partner's birthday. March rolls around and we jokingly celebrate our work's closing a year prior and then continue to work. The vaccine is made available to retail and food workers so I go and get the first round of the "Dolly Parton" vaccine with my co workers. (If you were wondering its Moderna) We go and receive the second dose later at the correct time. April and May kind of blend together for me because that the ramp up for the busy season at work. June & July are busy but everything is moving forwards. I finally take a step more into the current era of technology and upgrade my phone and computer. ( After several years of going back and forth of not wanting current gen tech or not, because that stuff be expensive!) I reconnect with an old friend and we have a much healthier friendship.

August....hecking August.. We are short staffed at work, busy as heck! My partner is also hecking busy by being called in for almost every problem. The world is deffo changing. The US is in a state of nah nah a boo boo with vaccinating vs not, virus outbreaks having an uptick, universities starting back, Texas deciding that the government gets a say in a woman's reproductive rights... sorry I'll try to not get political. My ( like many others) using tiktok as a means of escape from this reality.. I'm so beyond mentally exhausted by everything that I just want to be somewhere that I can breathe a bit more easy... Its deffo not the southeastern US. September: I. am. exhausted. Working a bunch. Dealing with people doubting the virus, the usual Karens and Richards, counting down my days to vacation. My partner is beyond exhaustion. They've worked more in the past six weeks that they have in two years. The 20th year of 9/11 comes and goes. Not to sound like a country song, but remembering where I was at the moment the planes hit is something that has stuck with me...despite my concussions. I was in my English class and its was between classes and they had the tvs on. So many parents were coming and calling their kids out the school got to the point they weren't going to let kids leave.. ( if the parents complained enough they did.. I was a poorer kid in a more affluent school) My parents weren't going to take me out of school so I finished the day out in a state of confusion, not understanding the gravitas of what was going on, and not understanding was the emotions I was feeling watching the crashes were. I don't claim to even comprehend the emotions of this date to people who lost loved ones in the crashes, or in the oncoming days of the country going to war, I just know how it felt as a child to see something so major happening. I feel its like the kids now living through this panic at the disco. [[If you read this and you lost someone due to either of these horrific events please know that I in no way am invalidating or belittling your feelings or experiences. I merely am trying to describe all of how I feel throughout 2020- roughly current day 2021 and these are the things I was thinking and feeling on this particular day.]]

The days start to blend again as I attempt to countdown the days till my short vacation. Once that starts I get to finally relax as does my partner. The amount of sleep my partner has gotten is incredible and they deserve it dang it! This brings us to today, The last day of September 2021. This are changing at work and I'm not wholly sure of how I feel but I know it will be an interesting discussion for me to have with my therapist coming up. That's all I've got for now.. Hopefully I'll pop back in sooner to give more perspective on what its like living through all of this chaos. Just keep moving forward.

[spongeaddict]

Fanfiction Year in Review!

Fanfiction Year in Review

Thanks for the tag @xxiamaclichexx! Spoilers, obviously, for all my fics that I’ve written thus far.

1. List of fics completed this year in the order they were finished

Two For The Show -- longfic, started in January 2020, completed in May 2020

Anniversaries -- twoshot, started in June 2020, completed in August 2020

Three To Get Ready -- longfic, started in May 2020, completed in December 2020

My God, I wrote literally all year long. Twelve months straight, from January to December. Holy cow.

2. Number of words written

TFTS: 91,025

Anniversaries: 6,009

TTGR: 87,078

Total: 184,112

WHOA

3. Your most popular fic

TFTS had over 8400 views this year, but it still comes in third place over all, behind Scooby Doo and the Mysterious Tape (over 11k views, finished in 2010), and One For The Money (more than 53k views, finished in 2019) 

4. Your personal favourite

How do I choose between my children?!

I think overall, I’m going to say TTGR was my favorite this year. It had all the things I love -- secret romances, jealousy, betrayal, angst, a creep factor, and even a little bit of humor! I don’t usually write angst, but I had a good time with the chapters where it was present. I also got to do some really interesting character work in TTGR, which was super fun and exciting for me. 

5. Your fave scene

I mean...I just love that scene in TFTS where Tony catches Shaggy and Velma making out in the practice room. I did a lot of nervous-laughing on behalf of everyone involved while writing it.

Also (I know I’m cheating here) I love the scene at the end of TFTS where Fred tells Daphne he loves her kind of off-the-cuff, and Daphne, who’s been trying for the entire story to work up the nerve to tell Fred that she loves him, bursts out laughing. It was so easy to picture Daphne trying to come up with the perfect, heartfelt way to share her feelings and then Fred, being so genuine without realizing it, just says “I love you” like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

6. A fic or scene that challenged you

For whatever reason, any time I needed Marcie and Velma to interact in TTGR was a challenge for me. I think I got too much in my head about the whole thing, and it seemed like nothing I had them do or say was organic. I rewrote the guest-room-at-Tony’s-party scene a bajillion times before I landed on something that I liked.

7. A line of writing you’re proud of

I know this says “a line of writing,” but I’m gonna cheat again and do like, a paragraph for each story I published this year. Don’t tell me what I can’t do! 

TFTS, ch 14: Fred took a deep breath, apparently steeling himself for a difficult confession. "I've always had a fear that the people I love will all leave me one day," he told her. "I didn't even realize I felt that way until I was thirteen and found that letter my mom sent to my dad. I mean…if my own mother could leave me behind like that, what was stopping my dad? My friends?" He exhaled and looked into Daphne's eyes. "It even happens in this play. Diana leaves Dan at the end. Just like my mom left my dad. Just like she left me." He shook his head. "You and the gang are the most important people in my life. And when Shaggy's dad said that thing at the end of the summer, about how one day we'll all go our separate ways…I started to panic." He swallowed. "I don't want anyone in the gang to separate, but I'm terrified of losing you the most."

FRED IS SO SINCERE protect him at all costs

Anniversaries ch 2: Shaggy grinned and pulled her closer. The wind was starting to pick up, and he was starting to regret the ice cream just a teeny tiny bit. But having Velma snuggled up next to him warmed him throughout.

"Besides," he said. "It's not like we have to worry about it right now. Why worry about things that like, haven't happened yet?"

Velma snorted. "Says the guy who goes into a fetal position anytime Fred even suggests investigating a haunted house."

Shaggy nudged her playfully with his shoulder. "My point is," he told her. "We like, already made it one year. Who's to say we won't make it another?"

"That's true," Velma conceded. "And it's been a pretty good year."

"The best," Shaggy agreed.

They pressed their foreheads together and closed their eyes. Velma sighed contentedly and murmured her favorite line from In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.

"But for now we are young, let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see."

Shaggy opened his eyes and gently tapped her once on the nose. "One," he murmured.

Is it arrogant of me to swoon at something that I wrote?

TTGR ch 12: Velma left the practice room first, eyes stinging with more unshed tears. She forced them back into their ducts as she made her way to her locker. I can't let Daphne and Fred see me like this, was all she could think to herself. She couldn't let them know that anything was wrong. She had to get a hold of her emotions. She needed to seem apathetic. Detached. Even though it felt like her chest was ripping open and everything inside her was screaming in agony.

Back in the practice room, Shaggy could feel his heart pounding like a drum against his ribcage. His pulse reverberated through every muscle in his body, and it seemed so loud that he was sure other students could hear it out in the hallway as they walked past. He leaned against the concrete wall and tried to steady his breathing.

He couldn't believe it. Velma had broken up with him.

Or had he broken up with her?

Regardless, they had broken up.

They were broken up.

I have to go, he realized. He couldn't stay in this room – he'd need to face the real world eventually – and besides, Scooby was almost certainly wondering where he was. With another shuddering breath, he wiped his eyes and steeled himself to leave the practice room.

Their practice room.

The thought had been automatic. With a sharp gasp, Shaggy clutched his middle, as though physically trying to hold in his anguish. How cruel it was that their relationship had ended in the same place it had begun. He had always thought of this place as theirs, ever since last year. But now, there was no more their anything. They were no longer a they. It was him and her, separate, apart. And now it would be forever.

His chest seized up and his throat tightened, burning. I can't stay in here, he told himself, even as his heartbreak surged. I need to leave this room.

But he allowed himself a short, muffled sob before swallowing and finally bracing himself towards the door.

I’ve always felt more comfortable writing dialogue than descriptions, but I felt pretty good about this paragraph about the aftermath of a breakup.

8. A comment that touched you

Oh come on!

Every single review means the world to me, and I’m lucky enough to have a handful of consistent reviewers who always read my work carefully, and their comments truly reflect that.

Though I will say, the comment that made me truly feel like my writing did its job successfully was from a pal of mine in Discord who, after reading a breakup scene, said, “I feel like I just got broken up with.” (Sorry again @complikated1)

9. Something that inspired your writing

Lord, so many things. My whole life and everything I’ve ever read. But mostly Scooby Doo.

10. Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic etc.)

I mean, I essentially wrote two novels and two short stories this year. I’m pretty proud of that (and so is my husband...so much so that he outed my accomplishments to my whole family, who are similarly proud.

11. Do you have any writing goals for next year?

Several!

Start - and finish! - the finale, Four For The Road

Finish this got-dang Fraphne oneshot I’ve been promising to write

Begin writing ~what comes next~ (IT’S A SECRET, SO NO SPOILERS)

[fallingin-like]

november 17

above the clouds by @gluupor​ [requested by @fuzzballsheltiepants]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post! 

this is an absolutely amazing fic that features airships, android!neil, and fantastic world-building. it’s a really fun and adventurous read, but still contains enough angst to break your heart. if you haven’t read this yet, drop everything and read it now. if you have read it, read it again.

okay i enjoyed this fic so much that i cannot put it in words. i remember when i first read it, i always get so excited when i see that you’ve posted and i read it in an hour, the time passing by so quickly. i couldn’t pull myself away and was reluctant to go back to real life after i finished reading. all your characters are so entertaining and as always, are integrated so nicely into this au.

things that stood out to me:

”over the khazak grass plains, year 1424 new era (ne), january” i just think that this adds a lot to the story so efficiently. we have a location and time and i just feel like this sort of title/header establishes a tone (makes me feel a steampunk/sci-fi kind of vibe). i’d be interested in how you came up with which locations and years to use?

”andrew shut off the engines and revelled in the silence. he could still hear the mechanical noises that resulted from keeping the gasbag at the appropriate pressure to maintain their altitude, but it was as quiet as it got aboard an airship.” i love this, mostly because i can relate to it? i’m really used to driving with music on, but lately i’ve been turning off the radio and driving in silence which is a really interesting experience, especially since i drive an electric car for work which is really quiet most of the time. also it introduces us to the airship!

”neil would eventually man the flight deck for night watch as he didn’t require any sleep” i am immediately invested in this version of neil and want to know EVERYTHING that he is capable of doing

andrew is wearing a scarf that nicky knitted for him!!! that is adorable! both nicky doing this for andrew, but also andrew wearing it!

your description of the monster is amazing. i would love to explore it. on the ground though (i am afraid of heights and not as brave as andrew lol) i saw that you were inspired by the mortal engine series and i can definitely see aspects of this both here and in later portions of the fic although i only watched the movie which was… interesting haha. were there any other sources of inspiration? i found that this reminds me a little of the films ‘alita, battle angel’, and a little bit of ‘castle in the sky’ as well

having little glowing things in their lamps instead of fire? woah that’s so cool

”neil was futzing around inside it with a tiny screwdriver” LOVE the word futzing. i’ve not heard it before, but it feels right. also it’s kind of cute that they are all helping each other out on the ship

algae bricks and beetle bricks? do they just,,, bite into it? because that feels so chaotic to me. lol mix into water and make it into mush? i am currently very grateful for the food i have

”jealous, aaron? don’t worry; i’ll come service you once i’ve got andrew settled tonight.” NEIL, YOU’RE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME

”’better do it in the reclaimer,’ said kevin, taking him literally. ‘we need to preserve water if we’re headed to palmetto before our next resupply.’” one of the many things that i love about your writing is your amazing characterization of mr kevin day. what a legend 

”he wasn’t entirely sure why he wasn’t telling the others about wymack’s summons; there was something about it that put him on edge and he wanted to keep it to himself for now.” oh nO this is bad news!! you did a great job of introducing this undercurrent of worry into a scene that had just been so light and funny

“‘yes, i did,’ said andrew, keeping his voice steady. ‘last week before we headed into the plains.’” my stomach dropped at this point, memory problems are always so scary because it’s so hard to tell what the source of the problem is. andrew’s calmness is directly contrasting this, but it feels like it takes effort which is even scarier!

”andrew had spent his childhood shutting down any emotions. they’d been a liability in the type of life he’d led” and ”he had been destined for a short life with a brutal end. sometimes that seemed preferable to how much caring about other people could hurt. he often cursed those responsible for how his life had changed” ahhh this is so sad, but also really soft? because he’s come so far? and he’s opened himself up and let himself be vulnerable by caring

hearing the backstory of the twins is so interesting to me, you do a great job at both establishing this world that these characters are living in and how they fit in with it

”andrew was left with little choice but to do something nice to shut him up” i think this is one of the most andrew-like sentences to be ever written haha

”by all rights he should have died in the slums, but instead-and andrew was never sure exactly how he’d done it-he’d attached himself to andrew and aaron, like a barnacle that they couldn’t remove and grudgingly came to care about” cute!!! the tone is really andrew-like too

woah all these languages are pretty cool! i like the idea of having a common trading language, and the idea of having mandonese and spanglish is interesting.

”that seedy is mine” I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THIS AT FIRST BUT THIS IS SO FUNNY. lowkey reminds me of the lego movie haha. also seems fitting of kevin to collect ancient artifacts, even if he doesn’t really know what they do

ANDREW AND AARON AS GANG LEADERS YES PLEASE. i absolutely love it when people have such a great reputation. very exciting to hear that drake is not going to be an issue in this fic!!! wait a second… andrew and aaron were 16? so small!

hmmm i am interested how kevin got stuck in shanghai?

bad news that wymack is asking neil to stay on the ship. all this mystery and hiding is making me feel like things are not looking so good

”he’d forgotten again that it was bee whom andrew wanted him to see” NOOOOO

ohmygoodness the usbee. do they pronounce it uzz-bee? because that’s definitely how i picture them saying it and it is so funny to me. 

”i informed you that people are after you because i actually care about what happens to you, you miserable little gremlin” i really can never say it enough, but i love the way you use affectionate insults like this so so much.

”’oh, you know,’ said andrew idly, ‘those that slay together slay together.’” NO BIG DEAL. 

”a nobody who got the drop on you. better luck next time” NEIL I KNOW THAT YOU REALLY CAN’T HELP IT BUT PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF AROUND SOMEONE WHO YOU KNOW IS SO DANGEROUS

”’this time, it was eavesdropping,’ said neil brightly” he’s so enthusiastic!! cute!!

”how do you travel now?” i am also interested in this!! for all i know, he just slides through shadows and pops up wherever andrew is haha

”neil flicked his fingers dismissively. andrew’s eyes narrowed at the performance. he wasn’t this dramatic, was he?” i am very sorry to break it to you, but andrew minyard you are one of the most dramatic people ever

ooooh dang neil is good. does his android body not process poison? also where did he get the knowledge that andrew was going to be set up anyway?

”within a few hours neil had forgotten the whole conversation, but he retained the knowledge that andrew had forced him to see bee and wasn’t happy about it” noooo why is this happening, it’s so heartbreaking to see neil forgetting things (also feels extra-bad because alzheimer’s runs in my family and this could definitely be me in the future which is Scary) and i Hate when andrew and neil are fighting because andrew is just trying to take care of neil!!! ;-;

”mickey, the mouse-shaped god of old america” OHMYGOODNESS

as startling it must have been to andrew, hearing about the moriyamas previously owning neil, i’m curious what was going through neil’s mind during this conversation. it must be so disorienting, not remembering your past. all of a sudden, you just started existing

”’shoot them. escape on the monster,’ said andrew. that was their usual plan for hostility they didn’t want to deal with.” i mean, i guess that’s a pretty solid plan. LOL

ohmygoodness katelyn also having red hair and blue eyes? “andrew always pretended not to notice that he and aaron had suspiciously similar taste in people, gender notwithstanding” LOLOL

”neil’s tension was ratcheting higher the longer they stayed in the region, something which he wouldn’t explain to andrew’s satisfaction.” ahhhh we! need! better! communication! what is neil hiding?

I HATE THAT NATHAN IS GOOD AT ACTING. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BELIEVE HIM SO BAD EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE’S LIKE SUPER SUPER EVIL AND IS GOING TO HURT EVERYONE NEIL AND ANDREW KNOW. 

thank you andrew for knowing better and for always thinking ahead. i feel like i can really trust you to take care of neil (and you, gluupor to take care of these characters even if sometimes you break my heart while doing so)

andrew: mawp mawp mawp mawp mawp mawp (LOVE THIS)

”wymack had always said it was because andrew had a death wish but it was really just because he liked going fast” this is really cute! both in this fic and in the series, andrew is like this and he had so little enjoyment as a child, was forced to grow up so quickly, and i’m grateful that he gets to have these little things

”’’M not,’ muttered andrew, too hot to put any effort into lying” so cute!!!

”stop and take a look? sure, why not? i don’t think we’ve got anything else pressing taking up our time right now” I CANNOT GET OVER HOW FUNNY THIS FIC IS

”’old news,’ said aaron. ‘we’ve moved on. now we’ve decided to crash into the sea’” it turns out that sometimes i actually really like aaron! now is one of those times.

oh my goodness, neil speaking only spanglish and BITING. “neil spat several curses at him before literally spitting as well” the scary thing is, this is still in character for neil haha

that’s so sweet of wymack to give andrew his ship!! ahh he’s such a soft character and i’m glad that all the foxes have someone who is taking care of them

what a beautiful way to wrap up this fic! also i feel strangely glad that nathan wasn’t actually the one to invent the tech needed to create neil. he’s too gross and evil to create such an intricate and wonderful person like neil.

BURIED IN ASH FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS WHAT

WAIT VALLEY OF SILICA LOL

oh dang yellowstone supervolcano. i’ve learned a tiny tiny bit about that and it’s actually pretty scary thinking about the consequences of it erupting and also knowing there is basically nothing we can do to stop that from happening and also very little we can do to predict it

andrew and neil are so so cute ahhh

also quick shoutout to the amazing art featured in this fic! so beautiful.

i love the flashbacks that you include. they provide valuable information and understanding of how the characters have developed, but it also gives a bit of a break from the intensity of the main plot. we get a little time to breathe and recover.

as the story travelled to different areas of the world, it was really interesting to see how you included history into it. i think my favourite story was the volcano and the ash-winter that followed. kind of scary to think of the possibility of that actually happening, because even though we have pretty cool tech, i don’t think things would go well. you do such a great job with your world-building, i never found myself confused about what was happening, the geography of it, the new tech, and the politics. i loved how you were able to smoothly include canon events/characters/things and have it work so well within this au.your descriptions are so so good and make this fic really immersive, i feel like i’m experiencing them with the characters.

definitely one of my favourite things about your writing is how you consistently do such an amazing job of incorporating humour and little character quirks into the fic. it really shows how much skill and talent you have because it’s always effortless and reads so easily. it fits well with the characterization and tone of your fics. i will forever be a fan of your dialogue and all the interactions between everyone seemed so realistic.

i’m continually impressed by your consistently marvelous storytelling. you manage to captivate me no matter what subject you choose. thank you so much for writing this!!

[numinex919]

I’m An Aussie

Like a lot of lovely people here, I’ve found strength in our shared joy (and recently grief) as Reylos. But I’d like, if I may, to share something which is weighing heavily on my nation at the moment. Below is a post (taken from FB - a person I don’t know), but who speaks to what a lot of us Aussies are feeling right now. Added to the weight of sadness over TROS is a terrible grief, rage and helplessness at what is happening in my country right now. 

by Josh Wyndham-Kidd, January 3 2020

Existing on the internet in Australia right now is beyond imagining. I'm going to try to describe it for my overseas friends, who are seeing the horrors but outside of our context.

Friends have lost their family homes, and are updating their profiles to let us know that their relatives made it out safely and are grateful to be alive. Friends have lost their whole hometowns. Friends of friends are commenting that they know people who have lost their lives. Other friends are asking for donations to their state fire service for their birthdays, and it's not just one friend, and it's not just one state, because the fires stretch so far.

Sydney, where I grew up, where I spent my first twenty years, has been under smoke for months. Canberra, my gorgeous home for the eight years before this one, has been under smoke for weeks. It had the worst air quality of any major city in the world for much of this week; our beautiful valley traps smoke from hundreds of km away. I know this because every photo I have seen of my two hometowns for months has been obscured by so much smoke that they hurt to look at.

Paihia, on the Bay of Islands in Aotearoa New Zealand thousands of km to the east, is currently smelling the smoke from our fires. I know this because Tobias moved there after we lived together for years. Glaciers south of there are turning pink and brown, from the ash of the burning land here.

Tomorrow will be Canberra's worst fire day this season. So far. Mum has escaped to Sydney after locking her most important belongings in a fire safe. The small home we built together when we moved to Canberra is three blocks from the bush. She messaged me tonight safe, but scared. Friends in Canberra are preparing their evacuation plans for tomorrow, when conditions will be catastrophic. Again. I know this because I looked at my news feed.

More than half a billion animals have died, and the ones who haven't died are walking up to my friends' homes dazed and confused and seeking water, miles from any fire front. I know this because I saw the photo my friend took of the exhausted koala next to his tap. Canberra ran out of face masks that make it safe to breathe there right now, so yet other friends organised to bring hundreds to town to distribute for free to people who need them. I know this because I saw the tweet.

Magpies are mimicking emergency vehicles, they've heard so many. Entire towns are walking into the ocean to survive the firestorm. There are children who will have as some of their earliest memories the smoke, the fire, and the sky turning red and black at 9.30am as they fled their homes. We know these things because our friends are sharing these articles and photos as part of an unending stream of unprocessed grief. Our whole world online is only grief. Angry grief, sardonic grief, just grief. That's what we do now. Grieve.

Each day brings a different part of a different state that has been declared a 'leave zone', an 'evacuation zone', a 'state of disaster'. They're all declarations distinct from one another but fundamentally they are entire vast chunks of the country that are currently not suitable for human life.

And Australia is a big place, but it's a place we know personally. That town is where mum and I walked on the beach just before I left Canberra. That district is where I drove through a few years ago on the way to meet a love in Melbourne. The rainforest national park that burned months ago is where a lifelong friend spent her short winter break. That's the airport down the road from where I lived, where I said my hellos and goodbyes for years and years, and where yesterday an elderly person died from just breathing the air. That's the road on the peaceful hill behind my old home in Canberra that might be closed tomorrow because if a fire started in that peaceful little bushland reserve, it would take hold so fast that emergency services in the centre of our nation's capital might not be able to save the lives of anyone in the reserve. Behind my old house. Where I began or ended my best days with a walk or run. Right there.

These places are where real live actual people live and where they've seen their lives destroyed, or curtailed, or filled with fear. That's where literally hundreds of the most important people in my life live their lives, right now.

We Australians live with fire as a constant in our lives. We've all had the 'oh I wouldn't live there, there's only one road out' or the 'it's so beautiful but I'd never stop thinking about the fires if I was there in summer' conversations. We know it. We understand the risks. Fire is not new.

But it's January 3. Summer has barely started.

The southern fire season has barely started. But then, fires started burning up and down the southeast coast in August. In winter. So what's summer?

We've also all had the 'it's rainforest, it'll never burn' conversation. But this year, the rainforest burned too.

2019 was just found to be the warmest year on record in Australia. And we have precisely no indication that this trend will change. Because the people who are supposed to be in charge, here and elsewhere, are utter festering shitgibbons who spit on the lives of the people who voted them in then ask us to be grateful for it.

It is impossible to describe the sensation of rage, and helplessness, and grief, all at once that so many of us are softly or loudly going through right now.

Every conversation on every platform is about the fires. Every group chat is filled either with people letting us know in quiet private ways that they can't handle the news, that they're scared, that they're angry, that they don't know what to do - or desperately trying to distract each other with something nice, or something funny, or just something.

And then there's the other side. Even now, as this unprecedented disaster rolls over all our lives, there are people still happily, belligerently declaring that the reason the fires are bad is that environmentalists have stopped fire prevention. This is a vicious, deliberate lie that has been swallowed by a number of our neighbours. Their inability to distinguish meme from fact is muddying the waters on behalf of the powerful. Its only purpose is to distract people from being angry at governments of every political stripe that have failed to plan for this. That have failed to give firefighters what they need.

The vast majority of Australian firefighters are volunteers, who fundraise for their equipment. What a disgrace. We are a country already made for fire that has dried out over the last decade, where the forests that once slowed fires are now dying kindling ready for the next lightning strike. But the people who are supposed to be in charge haven't prepared? This was a process that was foreseen, predicted, documented, reported on, yelled about. For years. Fire chiefs tried desperately, over and over, to meet Ministers last year to prepare for this. We knew this was coming. So did they. They knew. And they did nothing.

But who are we angry at? The dang treehuggers.

What had nothing to do with it? The hotter, longer, drier fire seasons. The winters with less rain. The wet seasons with less wet. All the things that the scientists warned us about, for decades. Nope. Nothing at all. Don't know what you're talking about. We've always had fire.

The process of going through the grief of places, people and landscapes you care about being ruined while watching other people tell you gleefully that nothing is happening is genuinely a mindfuck. I don't know any other word to describe how swivel-eyed it makes me feel. The fact that I'm thousands of km away from the fire fronts in a calm place where our fire season has just finished - though the northern fire season was also extended for a month last year and only just ended on December 1, because it's so much hotter here than usual and the monsoonal rains haven't arrived properly in two years now and the bush is changing and my fingers just keep speeding up and it's like I can't stop because if I stop writing, I lose my entire mind.

Sorry. What I meant to say - being so far from my family, friends and communities going through the catastrophe of our lifetimes is also sending me around the bend. That's why I'm writing this, really. I want people outside Australia to know and to feel the despair and the rage and the grief and the intense need to change something, because we all need to feel those things to spark the determination we need to get through this crisis that will last for the rest of our lives - but fundamentally I'm typing this out in my quiet loungeroom in Darwin because if I didn't, I think I'd just start screaming and I don't know when I would stop.

If this were a piece of political communication, like all the pieces of political communication I've written over the last decade, this would be the bit where I'd ask you to do something. Here's the clear thing that you need to do right now to get us closer to our overall goal. This is it: the solution to the devastation. This is it.

I don't have it. I know without a shadow of a doubt that it exists. There are smart, important, urgent things that all of us can do and need to do. This can only turn around if we exercise all the power we have as assembled people in this country to turn it around, ourselves. The people in charge have made it clear that they will not do it themselves. They deserve our scorn - and to all lose their jobs. All of them. That's where 'it' needs to take us.

But today I don't have it. I just have this scream in my chest that I'm barely holding in, and that I'm telling you about on here so that my new neighbours in Darwin don't meet me by hearing me crying helplessly into the night. That's all I have.

The last thing I said on here before New Year was that I've been living with climate grief for a long time, and that there are consistently four things we need to get through it. That's still true:

* You will want someone to talk to. * You will want a way to get the grief out. * You will want a joyful thing in your week to keep your chin up. * And you will want something meaningful to do about the problem.

Thank you for being my someone to talk to.

And people overseas - if someone tells you that Australia always has bad fires and you shouldn't worry, point them to us. We want to have a word.

[passionate-baker]

Monthly Musings: July

Hello dear friends!

July already! How was your month? Ours was sunny & humid. Lemme tell you, as an Irish person, I do not handle the heat well. I’ve basically been living in my birks, my yoga pants, and a flowy top all month long. On the other hand, more heat = lots of ice cream. Summer perks!

We took some time over the course of the month to gut our little garden patch. We fought a long hard battle with some very resilient ivy, but with the help of an axe and my extra determined father, we somehow managed to come out on top - thanks, Dad! Now we’re left with a lovely little patch of soil that was hiding underneath the ivy the whole time & we don’t know what to plant. I was originally thinking of planting some rhubarb, but now I’m thinking of planting pretty flowers instead, like hydrangeas or peace lilies. What do you think?

The offering for the month ahead is below, it’s relatively light & easy this time ‘round. I hope you find something that inspires you - to get in touch with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, to get into the kitchen baking, or to forward an informative coffee article to your friends who hate on your daily five cups. You do you. 

Enjoy!

Boyfriend & I are heading to Kilkenny later this month to see Bob Dylan in concert! Neil Young & Glen Hansard will also be playing, but we’re really just going to see Bob. Other reasons to be excited about visiting Kilkenny: food, food, and more food. I’ve been working on a post about the medieval city for a while now and hope to get all I need to finish it off after this visit. Stay tuned!

One of the things that originally attracted me to Boyfriend was our shared love of coffee. In fact, he probably loves coffee more than I do. There’s nearly always a hot pot floating around our kitchen, but we will 100% fight you for the last cup. This is for all you coffee naysayers: Mythbusters, Coffee Edition. 

In case you missed it, a new travel post hit the blog: 24 Hours in Galway. Basically, I got together with my mom & sister, we went eating & drinking in some of the best places Galway has to offer, and I blogged about our whereabouts. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the post!

In last month’s post, I mentioned that I was itching to add another cookbook to my collection. Originally I was thinking about a bread book (still am!), but we recently watched Christina Tosi’s episode on Chef’s Table and I went online & bought her book Momofuko Milk Bar basically as soon as the show ended. Obsessed is not the word.

I finally secured a trusty baker’s lame for myself! It’s bright yellow, totally adorable, & has been making my sourdough loaves look that bit “extra”. I dare say that owning it makes me want to bake even more sourdough than I already do.. which is a lot. Between the banneton & this, we’re winning! 

Let’s just leave this here for future birthday present ideas: The Best Books to Read at Every Age, From 1 to 100. 

I’ve started to push myself a little out of my comfort zone recently. I went out with some new work pals, I texted some friends that I’m not yet ready to consider ‘old friends’, and I got in touch with some over-seas friends I haven’t seen in years. The results varied considerably: one raging hangover, two upcoming coffee dates, and the offer of a spare room in Glasgow, respectively. Generally, I’m feeling pretty good about the whole dang thing! 

For those of you who follow me on Instagram, you may have noticed that you’ve started seeing a little more of my regular everyday life on my stories. This was kind of weird for me in the beginning, but it’s in keeping with the above mentioned pushing of my comfort zone. Ideally, I’d like to start posting the odd photo of myself in my actual feed, but I just don’t think I’m there yet. Baby steps. 

Boyfriend is so over hearing about this, but anyways. July marks five years since my friend & I finished our pilgrimage across Spain. On May 28th 2014, we started our Camino in Saint Jean Pied du Port on the French side of the Pyrenees, we hiked along the trail for 34 days - taking 2 rest days en route - and walked into the cathedral at Santiago de Compostela on July 2nd. It was truly a life changing experience and one that I will never not talk about. Following the French Way, we basically hobbled our way across the entire country, laughing hysterically & making new friends as we went. It was the best. 

I guess I qualify as a real adult now, because we’ve been invited to another wedding! There was that one I was the flower girl for way back when I was like 6, then nothing for years, and now suddenly I’m attending three within the last eight months. Definitely an adult now. (My amazing mother already stepped in & bought me a dress for this upcoming one, so there’s no new stresses this time ‘round. Thanks, Mom!) 

Mine & Boyfriend’s 4 year anniversary is later this month! That time fleeeew! We’re going to keep things super low-key & maybe hit up a movie or something. I’m also working on convincing Boyfriend to make his unreal version of Ragu alla Bolognese for us. Cross your fingers for me!

Coming this day next week: Sourdough Maple Blueberry Brown Butter Crumble Muffins. The recipe took me two months and five different batches of muffins to develop to perfection. Be sure to check back!  

I’m adding this No-Fuss Lemon Tart to my to-bake list because it looks insane. Also, a salty pretzel crust? Yes please!

I hope you have the most wonderful month! Let’s catch up in August, okay?

Hugs, 

Vicki xo

R E L A T E D    P O S T S

June  //  May  //  April  //  March  //  February  //  January  //  December  //  November

[spellyjane]

Ironman Cozumel - a day of “nearlies”

It is always good to wait for a few days after an Ironman to write up a race report. I never quite trust my sanity until I have processed the race day caffeine, eaten solid food, had a good sleep and dealt with my post race laundry.  

I had originally signed up for Ironman Cozumel as redemption for my frustrating 1st Ironman in Arizona last year. But it just felt too far away and I decided to squeeze in 2 more Ironman and 3 more 70.3 races as well. Yeah, nuts. So I arrived in Cozumel feeling a little wary. I  was carrying great fitness but I was feeling mentally DONE with all the intensity. The pain of that Kona course was still fresh enough in my mind to make me even wonder if I really wanted to do it again. I wondered how much I could make myself hurt for a Kona slot or a PR or a podium.

I fell in with a fun bunch of Colorado based athletes at my hotel and was really thankful for their company, it was great to share the race weekend with them. I will be keen to catch up when our family relocates to Denver in January.

Did you read my Kona race report? Remember that nasty Aunt Flo who decided to turn up the day before the race? Well can you believe she did it again? Seriously, this needs some investigating, this has happened (unscheduled) the day before 3 races this year. It is not a disaster but it does add a little more anxiety and more time consuming pit stops. Anyway, moving on.

The course layout at Cozumel makes for a busy race morning. Swim start, T1 and T2 are all in different locations. I got myself to the swim start with enough time to squeeze my way up to the fast kids corral, take a few deep breaths, throw down the 1st of 11 Gu packets and go!

I loved that swim. I got onto the pier and dived, yay, I can't remember the last time I was allowed to dive into a swim start. I took off hard. I was wary of being complacent in the current assisted conditions. I settled in, I did get tangled up with other swimmers a couple of times but for the most part just put my head down and worked hard. I was a little bummed that the course was short. I measured it to be 3463m, 350m short! That combined with the current and my more than usual aggressive intensity gave me a ridiculous 13 min PR at 53:21.

I tore through T1 with no complications, glad I chose to clip my shoes on my bike so I could put some speed into my run.

I was out on the bike course in under and hour and I was excited! I thought, right, let's not waste that massive swim PR, let's turn this into a race PR. The swim had not left me feeling as fatigued as usual and I was right on top of my target watts right from the start. (I had struggled with this in my last 2 IMs.) I had ridden 1 loop of the 3 loop course on a rental scooter before the race so knew what to expect. The smooth, flat, straight roads were a TT queen’s dream! (Yeah, I am calling myself a TT queen.) The wind was not as dramatic as I was expecting and even when it was, I just reminded myself that everyone was feeling the same and I just stayed tucked in aero and held my watts. I must say, it was all going quite well, I was right on target for a 5:15 bike, I had made the left hand turn and was about 15km from the bike finish and was crunching numbers in my head and thinking come on girl, you could totally go sub 10 hours when I heard that dreaded “pop - phshhhhh!” Oh dang, back wheel puncture, I shifted into my small ring, jumped off and started getting the puncture sorted. I had pulled out my old tube and was reaching for my new tube when the Ironman bike mechanic arrived, we worked together to get the job done quicker. When we discovered the 3-4mm tear in the tyre we both groaned. Oh crikey, I did not have anything to seal the hole! The mechanic grabbed my old tube, hacked a piece off and shoved it between the new tube and the tear and began inflating the tyre. I wonder if I would have thought of that? Even if I did, I would have struggled to cut a piece with no scissors. He pumped it up to 80psi and I could see the old tube starting to show through the tear and I nearly died, eek! “Stop!” I panicked, but he said, “no, a little more.” He got to 90psi and seemed satisfied. We got my wheel back on and I grabbed his hand and with a squeeze, gushed my most heart felt “Gracias!”

I took off, feeling relieved and terrified. My race was not over and even with a 5 min stop, I was still on target for a very reasonable bike split. However, with just 2 thin pieces of latex between the road and my inner tube, I was terrified that I would not make it to the finish without another puncture.

Well, it worked, I made it to the bike catcher and passed my bike (and a shit ton of anxiety,) right over to him at a time of 5:18:47,  with my watts and IF right on point.

T2 was uncomplicated and I was on my way. I had set myself up for a sub 10hr if I could pull off a good run. Even at that stage I still was not sure what my body was going to let me do. I have struggled with dodgy guts in a couple of Ironman runs and I was not sure if this was going to hit me again, I was feeling as good as I have ever felt as I took off so I just focused on keeping tidy, holding good form and pace.

The 3 loop, out and back course was pretty flat, had some shade and a noticeable tail wind coming back into town each time. So, 7km out and 7km back 3 times. Easy peasy. (Haha, the silly things I say to myself in races.) Sebastian Keinle passed me on his last loop as I was hitting the 4km point, he looked like he was doing it easy and so was I at that point, he must have passed me thinking “Whoa, that age grouper is looking so tidy, I hope I can run like that when I am her her age!” So you can imagine he was super keen to pose for a selfie when he saw me at the award ceremony!

There were only a few other girls out on the course at that point and I began to wonder who they were and what my position was. I had stalked my age group competition prior to the race and will be honest, I was not expecting anyone to be ahead of me given the race I had had so far. So when a spectator friend told me,I was in 3rd place as I hit the 2nd loop I was really bummed. I wondered who they could be, every one I saw on the out and back looked either younger or pro and no one seemed to be looking particularly uncomfortable. I worked really hard to push those thoughts out and told myself that I was having a killer race. I reminded myself that I could only control my own performance and that I was doing a good job of it right now. That being said, I began to slow down a little, I was getting tired. I stopped for the loo just before the 21k turn around. I made that turn and could see the 10hr race slipping away, it was a tough loop that one. I was looking at every girl on the other side of the road and thinking that they looked amazing and that I did not look like I was holding it together etc, my mind was being really mean to me. My new Colorado friends cheered me on as I made the turn for the last loop. I remembered all the races where I have picked up places in the closing stages. I kept that front and centre and just kept trying to look the part. As I made my last turn at the 35km point I started to see girls who I had thought were ahead of me still on the out leg and I realised that I had been really hard on myself. I did not over take anyone in in my AG but I was on target for a respectable run and a big IM PR so I pushed on refusing to slow down and made that final turn onto the carpet. I lept over the finish line with a not terrible 3:46:25 marathon and an awesome 10:04:32 a 10 min PR.

I found the gal who came 2nd in the post race area, I recognised her from the course, I thought she was a pro! Neither her nor the smoking fast gal who won were on the pre race athlete list I had stalked, I guess they signed up late - serves me right!  Anyway we exchanged a few words about the race before she apologised, turned away and puked. Oh and here those doubts flood back to me even now, why wasn't I puking? Did I not try hard enough? I was gaining on her and as it turns out I ran a faster run split than her. I also beat her on the swim too. She went under 10 hours and I did not. Yes I have lamented that flat big time and more and more so since she was able to claim the 2nd of the 2 Kona slots up for grabs. Ok, enough of that, it is what it is. I did the best I could all dang day, I know I did.

I am planning my 2018 race season, still hoping for the perfect race and I hope I can snag another Kona slot in the process.

I look forward to working with my most excellent coach Rick Schopp at INTENT, training at a mile high and starting a new chapter in Colorado with my family in 2018.

Huge thank you to Simon and my kiddos, your support and love through all of the training and racing is wonderful!

See you out on the course next year, I will be the one grinning like an idiot because I am doing something I love!

[darknymfa-art]

This year is a bit of a mixed bag, to be honest! After years of mental health struggles I finally started receiving help for it last year, and this year I've really felt the impact of that. So much impact, in fact, that this September I finally returned to college! Which of course promptly slurped up pretty much all of my free time, but ah well. I've tried to make up for it by doing daily drawing challenges, including my first ever full Inktober! Considering that my previous record from 2016 or so was 6 days... Well, a full month was pretty dang good! Also lots of Pokemon Amethyst stuff here at the tail end of the year, finally getting through that old project. Also I totally prepared this whole post earlier this month lmao. Held off until I saw a layout come around, and so I had something good to put into December. JANUARY: 3 whole drawings this month, and one of my favorites from this year too! Something about this piece just really does it for me, ngl. Also did a bunch of fanfic writing this month, based on the multiple one-shots I have with upload dates from January, and also the fact that I was writing a chapter a week as part of my executive dysfunction therapy thingy. FEBRUARY: 3 drawings, but overall less productive. Not much writing (or, well, compared to the surrounding months), and the art pieces were mostly simple or took longer than they should've. Still, nothing to complain about! MARCH: Somewhere around here I finished my first multi-chapter fanfic ever, counting 15 chapters and over 50.000 words! I was really excited about it, pretty much bouncing out of my chair when I declared it done. It absolutely stunned me that I wrote *that* many words, that I managed to complete a project of that size. (it's pretty dang impressive if you look at where I came from, but I have since finished a 60k and a 90k fic, so...) APRIL: Not only do I have 4 art pieces for April, I also have a *ton* of writing. Besides my usual weekly chapters I joined the Phic Phight (a DP fandom event similar to Art Fight but for fanfic writers), so I wrote an additional 8 one-shots for a total of 34.000 words this month. Yeah, it was a productive hecking month, and it kind of set the tone for my next few months, proving to myself what I was capable of. MAY: Wow, lots of pieces to pick from this month. After doing the Phic Phight the previous month, I decided to keep the writing train going, and started writing two chapters of fanfic a week. One for Weirdward, my next major project after Disinterred (which finished posting this month), but also one for What A Nice Surprise, which followed up Disinterred in my weekly update slot. Really productive month, really, lots of writing and drawing and experimenting with styles! JUNE: The end of my year-long fusion project! This year was very important for me, art-wise, because I finally got to finish projects I started. Which may sound a little silly, but with my executive dysfunction, I usually lost interest in projects before I got anywhere close to finishing them. Really satisfying in that aspect. Also continued to carry on my 2 chapters of fanfic a week thing. JULY:[1][2] Not much finished stuff this month, kinda let myself take a break there. Still wanted to keep up the 'draw at least 1 thing a week' thing, but kinda eased up on how cleaned up it had to be, especially since I didn't want to start a new project so close to school. Mostly played around with my superhero setting/world/thingy, to be honest! Don't have much experience with designing their outfits, so that was fun to play around with. Figuring out their aesthetics and how to knit those into superhero-esque outfits. (except for Hornet. she's an ex-villain who never changed her costume) This month also saw the end of What A Nice Surprise, my one-shot which spiraled completely out of control, and ended up beating Disinterred in word count. A neat 12 chapters and 62.000 words, there. Also we broke the heat records around here so yeah, I took some time for myself to just melt in peace, lemme live. AUGUST: Not a whole ton of art to be honest, but this ensemble pic right here was a real joy, and I really like the Totodile piece as well. I officially finished writing Weirdward, my (currently) longest fanfic, at 22 chapters and 91.000 words! And I wrote a shorter multi-chapter over July and August as well (Play Your Part, at 6 chapters and almost 25.000 words). SEPTEMBER: I'm gonna be honest, this was the month I started school again after 2 years of doing basically nothing. It was a lot of getting used to that again, let's be real. I have nothing major to show off for this month, art-wise. Outside of art, getting to start school again was a major achievement for me; finally recovering far enough (mostly through art) that I could go back. And I've done well, so far! OCTOBER: I did Inktober! Pen-based stuff, yes, but the first year I managed longer than a week. A full month, even! I also finished my longest one-shot yet (Surreptitious, counting 35.000 words), and wrote a couple of fics for EctoberWeek to celebrate my first full year of fanfic writing. Didn't quite manage the full week thanks to school, but still, 20k words is nothing to sneeze at. NOVEMBER: Inktober TWO!!! No but for real, I started off the month by finishing my last Inktober piece, and then immediately transistioned into doing daily drawings of Amethyst Fakemons. Not _quite_ every day, but I still 11 of them done before the new Pokemon games dropped, so. Pretty solid, especially since most of them were in color. I also played through Pokemon Sword in its entirety, and wrote a 12.5k fic over the span of a single weekend for a Phandom event. So, y'know, not too shabby. DECEMBER: Well, this month isn't over yet, so... Doing another traditional art challenge, this time Pokecember, although I'm only doing a single Fakemon a day. Also finished planning out the entire Amethyst dex AND region (including encounters), so! (well, okay, I still need to sort in 'regular'/unchanged/canon Pokemon but shh) And hey, look, actual digital art! Which isn't posted on dA yet because I didn't finish drawing their wings but eh, still looks good. Template by AsterianMonarch on dA 

[phatjosh180]

RACE RECAP: Revel Big Cottonwood Half Marathon

Four months ago this was my goal race for 2019. I was registered to do the full marathon and was planning to train throughout the summer with the sole purpose and focus on doing another marathon. It’s been since February 2017 that I have tackled anything longer than a half marathon. I won’t rehash all of the reasons why — there were a lot of issues … ankle, back, health, etc., etc. You know, things that happen when you age.

It’s been a frustrating past couple of years to say the least. I’ve still accomplished a lot and had NUMEROUS awesome experiences during that time frame — but, it’s been hard accepting many of the changes and realities. I still feel like I should or need to be that same runner that is PRing a half marathon at 2:09 and tackling ultras. But, reality is teaching me something entirely different.

Anyways — in June I came down with a pretty nasty bout of bronchitis and walking pneumonia that just killed my marathon training. It wiped a solid three weeks of running from me. It set me back quite a bit and I knew a marathon was just not going to happen. So I decided to take my lumps and downgrade down to the half marathon.

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A post shared by Josher (@josherwalla) on Sep 14, 2019 at 5:26pm PDT

With my year of running pretty much a mess for me — physically, mentally and emotionally — I’ve really been focusing on just enjoying the run, the community and moment. I’ve let go of the pursuit of improvement, speed training and longer distances — for the moment. I need to really work on giving myself a good base of fitness going into 2020. You can read more about that here. I really don’t want to take much more space of my race report to cover all of that.

Honestly, if this was any other race I probably would have deferred or sold my bib because my half marathon base is weak. But, I needed to do this race — I love Revel. I love this course. And, I am a Legacy Runner (meaning I’ve done each race since it’s inaugural race in 2012) who really, really, really wants to also make it into their Ten Year Club in 2021. So, while I might not PR on the course (my fastest course time was 2:12 in 2013) I had to at least show up and finish.

So that was really the goal — to finish. But, not to just finish, but have a ridiculous amount of fun. Because, that was really needed more than anything my body could give me physically. I needed to have some fun and get some joy from my running — something that’s been hard to comeby lately.

Jill and her husband Mark came down from Boise to run the race as well. Mark registered for the marathon while Jill decided to run with me. Even though her pace is much faster than mine at the moment she’s been craving and needing a social run more than a PR as well. Especially since she doesn’t have the same supporting cast in Boise like she did when they lived here in Utah. So the race plan was simple — to run with Jill and have a ridiculous amount of fun. Easy enough race goal to follow, right?

The morning of the race was somewhat uneventful and routine of any canyon race. I did scare this kid who somehow got stuck in traffic that lead him to the runners’ parking lot. He thought it was a 4am sobriety check. I don’t think he was high or drunk — but, from his reaction I’m sure he had weed on his person. It sure gave me a laugh.

After catching one of the last buses up the canyon we had about 40-45 minutes until gun time — which I’m grateful because it was a tad bit nippy in the canyon. Once the gun sounded it took us about 12 minutes to finally cross the start line and we were off. It took me a couple miles to get the legs working because of a combination of the cold and lack of downhill training.

But, once Jill and I got to around mile three I was feeling pretty good. But, of course that’s subjective. Luckily we weren’t focused much on physical aspect of the race, because we were just having a blast. We ran into a number of friends as well, including our friend McKenzie from SUU. It was just a lot of fun.

Around miles 6-8 I was started to feel the hurt — which wasn’t surprising because my training has been mostly for 10Ks this year. I brought some applesauce and electrolytes with me to help me through the last half of the race because I knew it was going to be rough. Unfortunately, I lost my electrolytes at some point so I had to rely on Jill’s good graces who shared some of her pills with me. And, they dang well saved my life (half joking here).

But, as tough as that last half of the race was for me — I did my best to have fun. And, Jill and I did just that. We posed for pictures. And, we got some doozies. We tried doing the YCMA in a couple of them — to no avail. Our coordination was just of a bit. And, we were planning an epic finish line picture, but that didn’t end up happening because we got separated at Mile 11.

And, as much as I wanted to run the whole 13.1 miles with Jill, I was grateful for those last couple of miles I ran by myself. Since I didn’t have my music with me it was just me running to the sounds of the race, traffic and surrounding area. It was pretty therapeutic, because I couldn’t lose myself in a soundtrack, I just had my thoughts.

I thought a lot about this past couple of years and the struggles I’ve had with my health. I thought a lot about the struggles with my ankle, my back, my anxiety and my thyroid — all that have seemed to convolute to now. But, among that all, it wasn’t frustration or sadness that I felt — it was gratitude. I may not have been running my best or fastest race, but that didn’t matter — I was here. I was among friends and among a community that I love a lot.

View this post on Instagram

INTERESTING FACT: You’ll be disqualified from the race if they catch you peeing in the woods, but they won’t for flashing.

A post shared by Josher (@josherwalla) on Sep 15, 2019 at 1:07pm PDT

It was hard to not think about my journey and the people that have come with that — especially my friend Robert Merriman. He always comes to mind during each race. It was really a neat and touching moment to have these emotions run through my thoughts. It helped me process through everything I’ve been going through and put into perspective.

By mile 12.5 I just felt a peace of knowing that I’d be fine in the long run. That this time next year — as long as I did what I know I need to do — that I’d be back here at this race doing the full marathon. It was hard not to visualize that feeling and scene as I saw the finish line for this race. Even though I was a about 20 minutes slower than last year I was also grateful that I didn’t throw up all over the finish line like 2018. That alone was a win over last year.

I have three more planned races for 2019 — a 5K, 10K and half marathon. That might change? I am still not 100% on tackling another half marathon this year. It really depends on how I feel with my training and recovery this next month. I might also add another 5K or two because those are always fun.

There’s no pressure for overachieve or push myself too hard, because the focus for at least the next 3-4 months is simply to heal, recover and renew. But, as long as I can still surround myself with the amazing running community and great friends — I’ll be fine.

But, with that said — September 12, 2020 … marathon #12 is happening.

Previous Revel Big Cottonwood Half Marathon Times

2013 – September 14, 2013 (2:12:37) 2017 – September 9, 2017 (3:10:21) 2018 – September 8, 2018 (2:56:46) 2019 – September 14, 2019 (3:19:12)

My Next Five Races

The Haunted Half: SLC; October 19

The Haunted 5K: Provo; October 26

Turkey 10K; November 28

Revolution Run; January 1

Sweethearts 5K; February 8

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A post shared by Trails & Pavement (@trailsandpavement) on Jan 21, 2019 at 7:46pm PST

RACE RECAP: Revel Big Cottonwood Half Marathon was originally published on Life In The Slow Lane.

[itsslide]

With Regret...

I am calling a premature end to Not Fade Away.

I know I talked big. I know I discussed moving up to weekly updates in summer. Of pushing forward. In many ways this has been coming a long time, and in others this decision happened all at once. I had my last exam on Thursday, and sat down Friday to write more NFA, thinking, “oh, boy, now I won’t be writing it between essay planning and revision! It’ll be a doddle!”

It was not a “doddle.” It was like pulling teeth.

There are many reasons for this. The most simple reason is that Not Fade Away was a story envisioned to cover six years of war, 1976-1982, from the start of Lily’s sixth year to the fate of the Longbottoms. More than that, it was to do so with a focus on a whole plethora of characters, from Lily and the Marauders to minor canon to brand-new OCs. It started conceptually as a ‘Marauders’ story but was obviously by the time of execution a ‘First War’ story.

And after almost two years of writing, I’m only at January 1976.

There are many issues here. While I knew I would have less time than I did when writing the Stygian Trilogy, I didn’t expect this much less time. I wrote Oblivion (357k words) in less than a year (NaNo 2014 to end of summer 2015). That’s fucking insane. Starfall (348k words) in about 18 months, including the summer I dislocated my kneecap and got bugger all done for a couple months. So while a loss of productivity was expected, I thought I’d still be more prolific than I have been.

But some of that’s plain naive. Even writing one story-year per IRL year, I’m not signing up for a goddamn six-year fanfic commitment. Let’s be real. NFA was too big in too many ways and there are lessons to be learnt from that. It has problems on how it focused (not enough Marauders; it wasn’t Marauders-centric but for some stupid reason most of them didn’t really start Their Story until about April 1976, leaving them benched), it had problems on how it balanced its huge cast. Maybe I could have written a story just about Lily, exclusively her POV, Jack and Dory and James being character peripheral to her. But I didn’t, and I’m not going back and gutting it any more, and I would have been sorry to leave the story of Graham and Hargreaves behind.

Of course, this way I leave everyone’s story behind. But basically: I screwed up, I bit off more than I could chew, and I’m sorry for letting you down. In many ways, not wanting to let you guys down, you wonderful readers who have stuck with me through so much, is what kept me going. I know that alone isn’t a good enough reason to carry on. But I hate to let you down. I have prided myself for the last few years on being a writer who makes regular updates and checks their quality and tries to be as reasonably professional as I can be about dang hobby fanfic writing. I have not been delivering as of late.

The good news is that this is not my end. I think I’m going to try to finish Regeneration, because I need something to write while I do my planning for what’s next. What’s next isn’t fanfiction; Regeneration, the capstone on my most successful writing ever, may become the last bit of fanfic I ever write.

It’s time to work on that urban fantasy novel.

In the next few days I may write up a ‘this is how it would have ended’ for Not Fade Away for the curious. I also need to figure out how to notify the many, many people who don’t read my blog and only follow me on archives, without rudely posting the last finished chapter and then going ‘SORRY GUYS NO MORE.’

But again, I am sorry. You have been fantastic, all of you, and have always made all of this worth it.

[angelchristina85-blog]

New Year, New.... Changes?

So here I am... it’s January 18, 2017 and I began 2017 with the goal of getting back into blogging. 18 days later, I’ve created a new blog. Better late than never, huh? My last attempt at blogging was all about Lacy’s battle with cancer. For those wondering, she’s doing pretty well. We talked for quite some time on Christmas day and she sounds pretty dang happy considering the circumstances.

Anyhoo... my first blog post is going to be about my son, Brayden. Simply because my whole life lately has been consumed with this child. I’d be a huge liar if I didn’t say that sometimes he makes me wonder how on earth I thought that I was cut out for this parenting thing. There really isn’t a day that goes by lately that he doesn’t give me some sort of hard time. BUT that’s a kids job after all so I can’t hardly expect things to be a walk in the park. As much as I’d like a daily walk in the park, with this boy it’s more like gambling!

In less than a month Brayden will turn 9. From day one, Brayden has been a challenge. From colic as a baby, to his stubborn toddler days, up until right now he has literally rarely fallen into the “easy” kid category. He’s not that go-with-the-flow kid that slept through the night straight out of the womb. He’s not that kid that is easy-going and laid back when it comes to changes in his world. He is a sensitive, emotional child. A child that cannot understand the variety of emotions that he feels from minute to minute. A child that has a HUGE heart, who loves to please the people he loves but that needs some serious guidance and help understanding this confusing world.

Most recently, he has had a combination of struggles both at school and at home that have been a challenge to handle. He’s always struggled in school, falls behind, gets put into after school programs, extra help reading programs etc. but he just can’t seem to get the hang of school. He messes around in class, he gets into trouble with his friends, he blows through his tests and fails them - simply because he just doesn’t care. He’s what many teachers and parents would probably call the “problem child” in class.

At home, he talks back, doesn’t listen to 90% of what he’s asked to do, has emotional/anger outbursts on occasion and most concerning he’s recently developed aggression towards his younger brothers. The aggression has been a progression from a few instances here and there of him being too rough to completely out of control behavior. Since all of this has happened in a short period of time I was caught in a state of shock and literally had NO idea what to do next. My emotions about everything were all over the place and I just couldn’t understand WHY my kid has turned into this problem child in nearly every aspect of his life. I did the only thing I could think of... I googled “where do I turn in my mommy card?”... okay, kidding but he really did have me wondering what I am to do next.

I started by getting him into a counselor. Brayden has had a lot of changes in his little world in the past few years. He isn’t capable of communicating his feelings or expressing his emotions. He’s always struggled with that issue and no matter how hard I try, sometimes he’s like talking to a brick wall. So my thought was counseling should be a good start. It should teach him to talk, maybe understand more of what is going on with his brain and body and hopefully the counselor can help me also. I know I’m not a perfect parent and I am sure there are plenty of ways I could better myself to be a better parent to my poor boy, who just can’t seem to get it together.

We did the first session of counseling, which resulted in a packet full of information and questionnaires to be filled out by the parents and teacher to test for ADD/ADHD. This isn’t the first time the mention of this has came up - the first time was in 1st grade and the 2nd time was at this year’s parent-teacher conference. Needless to say, I wasn’t shocked that the counselors response to everything I told him during the appointment was to test him for ADD. I will admit I was a bit frustrated by this. Mostly because when Brayden is put under pressure to perform, HE DOES! He is capable of focusing on things, he’s capable of acting right and he’s capable of sitting still.... when he wants to. That’s the thing. This kid is smart beyond his years and if he thinks the teacher isn’t going to tell me about his behavior, he acts out. When he has pressure put on him and knows that Mom knows everything, he’s SO much better.

IT IS. SO. FRUSTRATING.

Because of his parent-teacher conference this year, I expected the teacher’s paperwork to reflect that he has some concerning symptoms of ADD but what I read completely shocked me. The scoring system for ADD/ADHD tendencies is 1 through 5 - 1 being that you’ve never experienced these symptoms and 5 being that you see the symptoms multiple times per hour. Literally, 85% of Brayden’s scores from his teacher were 4′s and 5′s, meaning that many times per day and per HOUR this kid is acting out, needing reminders, being told to sit down etc. I cannot even being to imagine how annoying that must be for his teacher but beyond that, I was a bit concerned that my child is that much of a problem in class and I’m not being told about it. I understand that the teacher has a lot of kids (probably too many) to deal with but if you are telling my child to focus or do something multiple times PER HOUR, that is a serious problem that I feel I should be made aware of. Especially because we have been in constant communication about Brayden’s school work and behavior since his parent teacher conference.

Where it stands now, I’ve gotten all the paperwork returned to me and ready to be turned in. He needs to complete a computer test to finish the testing requirements then everything will be submitted to a psychologist to determine his diagnosis. In the meantime, we have future counseling dates scheduled, a 4 week positive parenting class in February and an 8 week behavior class for Brayden that starts in March. I have also been researching other options for schooling because at this point, I feel like Brayden is heading for failure if he remains in the traditional public school system. Whether it’s ADD, being bored or his lack of concern, school just isn’t his thing. I’m hoping that these schools I’ve been in contact with can help Brayden enjoy learning and find ways to keep him focused and entertained. I have tours scheduled at each school in the next two weeks so more on that topic will come later.

So thanks for reading! It’s been a month full of ups and downs, emotional rollercoasters, frustration and concern. But here I am. Still being a parent (Thanks for nothing, Google).

On a much better note, look at this handsome kid. He has a heart of gold, he is SO sweet, he cares about his family, he’s smart, witty and so much fun to be around. I love him so dang much. And since I know all of that, I know we will get through this tough time. Blood, sweat and tears (and poopy diapers).... that’s what parenting is full of.

Much love,

*Angel*