#I PROMISE THE NEXT PART WILL BE OUT SOON!!!!! either wednesday night or thursday

[insomnya777]

ok I sent u that first ask after I read the first chapter and Ive finished the fic and I would just like to show you the emotions I went through reading this fic

CANNOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTERI LOVEE UR FIC RFAHHH ITS JUST SO SILLY CODED RAGYHHSKSKSKSK /pos

OMG HAHAHHAHAHAH THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING IVE EVER SEEN WTF 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I CANT STOP LAUGHING.

[lainiespicewrites]

Coach Sy part 4 "The Date"

Here it is folks! Sy and Alayna's big first date and other things ;) Enjoy let me know what you think! No I promise I'm not stopping here!!

Warnings: cursing, alcohol consumption, Smut! (p in v) , creampie, Dom Sy

Reblogs and comments are always welcome! all mistakes are mine! it's late and I definitely did not proof read because I was on a roll and excited about posting it! I'm sorry in advance for any grammatical errors

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was another busy week. We were headed into the second week of October and that meant midterms were right around the corner. And so was fall break. Half of my students were anxious and stressed, they had test anxiety and were worried where this would put them on the class ranking. The others, I couldn’t get them to focus. They had one foot out the door ready for the long weekend, Ready for pumpkin patches and fall leaves. Surely plotting their next instagram post or tik tok or whatever it was they were doing now. 

I actually didn’t see much of Sy during the week, the boys were up against another difficult team this friday so he spent most of his lunches watching tape for practice. We kept things professional when we did run into each other though. It helped that I wasn’t sure how far he wanted to take it after what he’d said saturday. He wanted to be a gentleman. I guess that meant he wasn’t going to kiss me again either until he took me out on a date. I could handle that. But it didn’t mean it wasn’t torture. Logan may be kind and sweet and the perfect gentleman. But he’s also a big fucking tease. And he was doing it on purpose!

I ran into him on Wednesday afternoon in the hallway. I was on my way back in from picking up lunch. He was on his way back to his classroom. He immediately smiled when he saw me

“Well there’s a sight for sore eyes, late lunch darlin?” He asked, leaning against the wall in the hallway. I blushed.

“Hey handsome, yeah, busy afternoon just got the chance to go pick something up.” I responded. Then added “I’ve missed are lunch dates, I haven’t seen much of you this week,” I bit my lip softly waiting for him respond. 

“Yeah, me too, I’d much rather be having you for lunch,” He winked. “But I don’t think that’d be very work appropriate.” He smirked. I felt my face heat up and my eyes went wide. 

“Sy!” I scolded trying so hard to hide my laugh. He cupped the my jaw and brushed his thumb over my cheek. 

“Saturday’s only a few days away Darlin’, I waited over a year for you. Just a few more days and you can see as much of me as you want,” He drawled out chuckling softly. 

My face went completely flush and my heart rate sped up. This had to be what a heart attack felt like. God this man knew what he was doing. My skin felt like it was burning and simultaneously I was puddle on the floor for him. 

“You talk big game for a man that won’t even kiss me,” I teased, finally finding my voice again. I watched him as his eyes flickered behind me and he quickly turned to see if we were alone. 

“I can’t baby, you’re like a drug or something. If I get started with you again I’m not gonna be able to stop. And this aint the right place for that sugar.” He smiled softly. He let his hand fall back to his side. We were in the middle of the hallway surely we couldn’t stand like this forever and not get caught. And he was right. Faculty dating isn’t against the rules. But at the rate we were going we would be fired if we took a step closer to each other right now. 

“I do that much for you?” I asked, unable to hide smile. 

“You do more than that sugar, you’ll see soon enough. I gotta head back to my classroom and get some work done. I’ll see you at the game Friday! You go eat darlin, don’t need you passin out on us,” he gave me one last soft smile before we parted ways and I headed back to my office.  

On thursday night I went to dinner with the girls. And gave them all the details they’d been waiting for. 

“Girl I would have melted! He did not!” Skyler gasped. I laughed and hid my blush behind a sip of wine. 

“And in the middle of the school hallway, you guys are like teenagers,” Hayley shook her head, but smiled. “You better be back by curfew saturday night,” she smirked. I took another bite of the cake we were sharing for dessert and smiled skyler shook her head. 

“I don’t think he plans on taking her back to her house unless he’s staying the night,” She joked. 

“My god you guys can we get through one dinner without discussing my love life,” 

“No, it was non-existent until he came along and we are fully invested. This is better than TV!” Skyler laughed. “Seriously though, I hope you have so much fun saturday night, you haven’t been out on a date in… well a really long time! You deserve this!” 

“He does know you’re like horrible at bowling though right? Like when we used to go in high school your best game was like a 72, you might as well as just dropped it right in the gutter!” Hayley laughed. 

“I tried to tell him! I chuckled. “If anything there will be a lot of laughter. And it’ll be an excuse for him to put his hands on me again.” I wiggled my eyebrows. Hayley rolled her eyes and skyler almost choked on her drink laughing. I love my friends so much! 

Friday felt like it dragged on forever. Sy was busy all day again so I’d only heard from him in his usual “Good morning” text. We were busy in the office starting sign-ups for the first senior college campus field trip, and I skipped lunch so I was starving by the time I packed up my office at the end of the school day. Just as I was about to lock up my office there was a knock on my door. 

I looked up and saw a few of the boys on the football team standing outside of my office. 

“Derek, Matt, Tyler, Can I help you boys?” I smiled. 

“We just wanted to thank you for being at our game last week Ms. P, You’re the best!” Derek spoke first. He was such a sweet kid. He was a shoein for a football scholarship at one of the big universities. 

“Yeah and we heard you were gonna be there tonight too! That’s awesome, Coach says you’re our good luck charm and I think he’s right. No one’s got as much spirit as you!” Tyler laughed. 

“You boys are just trying to butter me up to write your college recommendation letters,” I chuckled. “That’s so sweet of you to say, thank you! I can’t wait to watch you guys play tonight!”

“You rock Ms. Plummer! Oh and uh,” Matt smirked  and stepped out from behind the other two boys I hadn’t noticed he was holding a bouquet of flowers. “Coach sent us to deliver these,” He said extending the vase out to me. 

“Thank you Matt,” I smiled taking them from him and setting them on my desk. “You guys better get home Coach will have your head if you don’t take care of yourselves before the game!” They all smiled 

“We’ll see you tonight Ms. P!” Derek called as they left the office. Shook my head and smiled to my self as picked up the flowers and finally closed up my office. 

Once I got home from work I set the flowers on the counter and noticed there was a little card attached. I pulled off the little envelope and took out the card. 

“Flowers for our gorgeous good luck charm. It’s gonna be a great game! Can’t wait to see you tonight Sugar ;)”  I could feel my cheeks heating up and I smiled to myself. He was too much sometimes. But I loved it. I ate a quick dinner, changed into some jeans and put on Sy’s hoodie I still had from last weekend. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.  I sprayed on a little perfume that he had complimented a while ago. And then headed out the door to get to the game a little early. 

I don’t know why I was trying to impress him. I already had him. But I really enjoyed having his attention. And I missed it so much this week while he was busy. The spot next to his truck was open so I parked next to him. It was starting to feel natural. I liked it. It felt like we belonged together. I shook my head. I was getting ahead of myself. 

When I headed toward the field I found him immediately. He was standing on the sidelines talking with the other coaches while the boys were warming up. I walked along the fence that ran along the outside of the track and stood leaned against it waiting for him to see me. One of the other coaches saw me first and smirked. He sent me a little wink before he nudged Sy and nodded in my direction. Sy raised his eyebrow and turned to see what Nick was looking at. I smiled and and waved shyly. “I’ll be back, Nick get the boys started on the next defensive drill, I want ‘em good and focused tonight!” He said barely looking back to catch his assistant coaches response before he strode over to the fence giving me a toothy grin. 

“Hello beautiful,” He smiled as he leaned his hip against the fence. 

“Hey handsome, looks like the boys are in good shape for the game tonight!” I said. He looked out at the field and watched them for a minute and nodded. 

“Yeah, we’re lookin’ even better now that our good luck charm is here. The boys couldn’t wait to give you your flowers.” He chuckled, turning back to face me. 

“Yeah? I’m sure THEY couldn’t,” I smirked. “Thank you they were beautiful, and the card was sweet Sy, you didn’t need to do that.” 

“Gentlemen always, sends flowers on the first date,” He teased. 

“Yeah but it’s not until tomorrow,” I joked. 

“Okay, so maybe I felt bad that i’ve been a little busy this week, just wanted you to know that I’m eager to see you again. I’m always thinking about ya,” he smiled

“Sy,” i blushed

“It’s true, I’m always thinking about your pretty little smile. And those lips.” He paused “The way you taste. And those tits,” He smirked wiggling is eyebrows. 

“Oh my god,” I blushed and folded my arms against the fence hiding my face. “You are ridiculous!” I mumbled against my sleeve. He chuckled. 

“Is that my sweatshirt?” He asked raising an eyebrow. I lifted my head to meet his gaze biting my lip softly. 

“It might be.” I said shyly. 

“So you’ve been thinking about me too,” He smirked. 

“It’s kinda hard not too,” I admitted. He smiled and holding my gaze for a moment before looking back at the field, then behind me at the bleachers. 

“It’s probably not appropriate for us to show PDA around the students like this huh?” He said sadly, “I wanna kiss you so bad,”

“Well, it is technically after work hours, and theres no harm in a good luck kiss.” I smiled batting my eyelashes playfully. 

“I like the way you think Darlin,” He smirked cupping my jaw tilting my face up and pressing his lips to mine softly. We stayed like that for a few seconds breathing each other in. It’d been a long week. Finally we pulled away when one of the players whistled from the sidelines. Sy chuckled and shook his head. 

“Good luch coach.” 

They didn’t need it, the boys played amazing. The predictions would be that this would be a close scoring game, but our team shut them out. The final score was 54 to 10. They had 4 straight consecutive wins this season. They were undefeated so far and if they won again next week it would be the first time in 15 years we’d headed into an undefeated season. Sy was really soaking it up after the game. 

“Well look at you Cowboy.” I smiled waiting against my car as he walked out to his truck after everyone had cleared out. “You’re famous around here now.” 

“Nah, the boys deserve all the credit, they’re the ones putting in the work.” He said humbly. 

“I saw you celebrating you out there, You love this!” I grinned, looking up at him as he stopped right in front of me. “You’re a damn good coach, they wouldn’t be this good without you,” I put my hand on his chest and the other on his shoulder pulling him closer. 

“With a beauty like you cheering us on we’re unstoppable baby,” He said softly grabbing my belt loops and pulling me against him kissing me roughly. I let him bit my lip and slip his hands down to squeeze my ass before I pulled away and pushed him back softly with my hand on his chest. 

“Slow down Tiger, you haven’t taken me out yet remember?” I smirked. He groaned dropping his head to my shoulder breaking heavily against my neck. “Whats got you all riled up captain?

“You showing up in my hoodie, kissing me like that, acting all shy,  you’re such a tease baby,” he growled. 

“Me? And your little stunt in the hallway this week wasn’t teasing? I couldn’t focus for the rest of the day! And I couldn’t kiss you then!” I pouted. He smirked. 

“Yeah I guess that wasn’t fair was it?” He brushed my hair back away from my face and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. “Okay, we better get out of here before I try and take you home with me again,”

“One more day Logan, you did this to yourself!” I winked. “It’ll be worth it.” He chuckled.

“I’ll pick you up around 7:30 for dinner, the bowling thing starts at 9 is that okay?” He asked. 

I nodded “That sounds perfect Sy! I’ll see you then,” I said walking  around to the drivers side of my car and opening the door. 

“Get home safe, Text me when you get home.” He said as he got in his truck. 

“I will!”

The next day I was so anxious. Logan and I had been out together before but this was different. I could barely eat I was so nervous. I sat around trying to get some housework done, but I couldn’t even nervous clean. So I sat down and tried to get some reading done, but then there was a spicy scene in the book I was reading and, well my mind wandered to Sy and I was nervous all over again. Finally 6 o’clock rolled around and I let myself start to get ready. I pulled on a pair of tight jeans I hoped he’d like. Not that it would matter. By the end of the night I knew  they’d be off.  I put on a dark green v neck. I’ve noticed he seems to like that color. We would eventually have to switch to bowling shoes so I just put on a pair of converse and paced while I tried to figure out what to do with my hair and how much make up I should do. Then I panicked again because, Should I pack a bag? 

It’s very likely I’ll end up at his place again. Unless he doesn’t want me to stay over. I don’t want to assume. Maybe I should text him. No because I didn’t want him to know I was thinking about what we’d be doing later. But I was. And I’m sure he was. This was Ridiculous. I picked up my phone and sent a quick text. 

“Do gentlemens let their ladyfriends sleepover on the first date?” I sent. That sounds so stupid, He’s gonna think your stupid. He’s literally gonna call you and cancel the whole thing. My phone buzzed and I jumped a little lost in thought and anxiety. 

“When they’re lucky enough to have a date as sexy as you they do ;)” He replied. Okay so maybe I’m not stupid. 

“Would it be unladylike and presumptuous for me to be prepared for said occasion?” I texted back. Instead of texting my phone rang. I answered him quickly

“Hello?” I giggled. 

“Hey Darlin’ I was just getting ready to come pick you up and I was thinking, Do you wanna stay at my place tonight?” I could hear the smirk in his voice. 

“Sy,” I chuckled “You didn’t have to.” he shushed me. 

“Listen baby, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but the way we’ve been going at it this week, I figured I may as well formally ask.” He was holding back laughter.

“I’d be honored to stay with you tonight, I’ll pack a back,” I teased.  He chuckled 

“Good girl, I’ll see you in 20 baby,” we hung up and bit my lip shaking my head to myself. He was so damn cute! I finished getting ready and threw a few overnight essentials in a bag. Just as I was double checking everything there was a knock on my door. I grabbed my purse and bag and opened the door to see Sy with another bouquet of flowers and a big grin. 

“Hey gorgeous! You ready?” He smiled. I nodded. 

“Yeah! Those for me?” I blushed. 

“Told ya, Gentleman always brings flowers on the first date.” He smirked proud of himself. They were a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses. 

“Your momma raised a good man!” I smiled. “They’re beautiful, I’ll go put these in some water and we can go!” After I found a vase and set them on the counter next to last nights flowers we left for dinner. He took me to a local burger joint. It reminded me of one of the restaurants in Grease. He’d genuinely put thought into this! We ate dinner and even shared a milkshake. 

“You’re such a dork!” I laughed when he leaned across the table to take a sip. 

“You like it or  you wouldn’t keep me around,” He joked. 

“Yeah I guess you’re right.” He laughed and his eyes flickered to my lips. 

“Hold still sugar,  you got a little something,” He took his thumb and swiped the ice cream off my bottom lip and then brought it to his lips sucking it off. I swallowed hard and bit my lip “Got it,” He winked. 

“Mmhmm, you did,” I stuttered. 

After he paid for dinner he drove us to the bowling alley and we got set up on a lane for the night. We also got a little wrist band for the bar. “I”m gonna go get a beer sugar you want anything?” He asked. 

“I’ll take a wine cooler, whatever they got!” I smiled. I set up our screen putting our names on the board and started our first game. I felt him wrap his arm around my waist and he pulled me close pressing a kiss to my neck. 

“You ready?” he asked handing me my drink? I nodded biting my lip and trying to control my breathing. I didn’t want him to know how easy it was for him to make me lose my mind. He chuckled and kissed my cheek letting go of me and picked up his ball.

Sy was up first and I watched as he stepped up to the lane. He drew his arm back and let the ball come forward dropping it perfectly in the middle He hit all but two pins in the far left. Of course he was good at this. “Damn Sy, I didn’t realize you were a professional at every sport.” I joked. He chuckled. 

“A couple buddies and I used to play on a league in high school. It’s been a while.” He picked up his ball again when it came back through and stepped up to the line again and it spiraled down and curved perfectly knocking down the last pins.  “Guess I still got it!” He smirked. I rolled my eyes and took a sip of my drink. I grabbed my ball and stepped up to the line. Well, I’ve made myself look stupid before and he’s still here so, here’s to embarrassing myself! I threw the ball and it dropped hard immediately rolling toward the right gutter. I sighed heavy and dropped my head in shame. I could hear Logan trying not to laugh. 

“Shut up,” I said when I turned around waiting for my ball. 

“That was a good try,” He snickered. 

“I’ll get the next one!” I said confidently. I did not. This one rolled more to the left skated along the edge and knocked down two pins. I winced but laughed at myself when I turned around. 

“You hit em that time!” I laughed. 

“We can’t all be perfect like you Sy!” I joked. He shook his head his chest shaking with laughter. 

“I can help you if you want,” He smiled sweetly. I wasn’t going to give into him that easily. Not yet. 

“No! I can do it,” I said stubbornly.  He just laughed. We went on like that for a while. The next turn He bowled a strike. I knocked down 4. He picked up another spare. I got 6. He got another strike. I threw another gutterball. When it was my turn again I downed the rest of my drink and stood up grabbing the ball. I walked up to the line and stood their for a second. I stared at the pins and the turned back towards Sy and pouted. 

“Okay I give up, help,” He smiled standing up from the table and walked up behind me. 

“Come here baby, Stand a little more to the right of center.” He moved us over and grabbed my hip so I was completely pressed against him. He slowly ran his hand down my arm gently grabbing my wrist. Guiding it back to show me how to throw the ball. He was saying something but I honestly couldn’t hear the instructions he was giving over my heartbeat pounding in my ears. “Just like that and let it go okay.” he smiled. I nodded and he guidded me again helping me throw the ball. This time I knocked down all but one. “Thats my girl!” He said spinning me around and kissing me passionately. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders kissing him back. He pulled away quickly and smiled. “I knew you could do it.” We finished the first game and of course Sy had Won. He got me another drink and he switched to water so he could drive us home.  The second drink was starting to hit and I kept calling him over to help me and teasing him by pressing my ass against him everytime he was behind me. At the end of the last game he was behind me helping me throw again. I was definitely a little buzzed. 

I pressed my ass against him grinding against him to  whatever song was playing on the old jukebox. But he was done with my teasing. He growled in my ear squeezing my hip tight. And after I let go of the ball he turned me around crashing his lips to mine. I smirked when we pulled away. “What do you think you’re doing darlin, hmm?” he smirked.

“Just having fun Sy,” I ran my hand down his chest and his stomach. He grabbed my wrist stoppinig me before I could get any further. I pouted. “Buzzkill,” He shook his head. 

“You’re in for it when we get home darlin, don’t say I didn’t warn ya,” we left the bowling alley and got back in the truck. I was  so excited for him to get us home. 

“Such a naughtly little girl teasing me in public like that. You like misbehaving don’t you,” He growled when we were on the main road back home. His hand had been on my thigh the whole drive. His fingertips softly massaging the inside. 

“I think you like it when I do,” I teased. I reached over and ran my had across his lap and smirked when I felt the bulge in his jeans. I playfully squeezed him and he cursed under his breath. 

“What am I gonna do with you.” He groaned. He pulled into his drive way and threw it into park. He jumped out and ran to my side of the truck. I had just enough time to unbuckle my seatbelt before he pulled me out and threw me over his shoulder. 

“Sy!” I laughed. He smacked my ass. 

“You asked for this sugar!”  He carried me into the house and took me straight to his bedroom. He dropped me on the bed and flipped me over onto my stomach. I squealed playfully as he pulled down my jeans and panties tossing them to the side. “You wanna be a brat and misbehave. You’re gonna learn baby.” He brought his hand down with a loud smack on my ass. “Bad girls get punished.” I could feel myself dripping already. God it was like he was straight out of a romance novel. But he was real. This was happening. He gave a hard slap to the other cheek and I whimpered. He rubbed over it soothing it gently. “You like this don’t you, when I take control?” I moaned inresponse. 

“Words sugar,” He smacked my ass again and I yellped not ready for it. 

“Yes Sir!” I choked out. 

“That’s my good girl, now stay just like that, Ive been dying to bend you over all week.”  I heard him unzip his jeans and then felt him press the head of his cock against my folds. He didn’t give me time to adjust this time. He just slammed into me. 

“Fuck Sy!” I moaned as he started a relentless pace. He tangled his fingers in my hair as he fucked me from behind pulling me up against his chest. 

“I love when your like this, when you’re so needy for me. You’ve been aching for my cock all week. And You’d do anything to get it.” I blushed. Fuck he was right. I moaned as he thrusted harder. 

“Say it,” he growled in my ear. 

“Mm fuck I need your cock Logan,” I moaned. I heard him groan and felt his fingers pressing against my clit as he reached around to help me reach my climax. 

“I know baby, and you needed me to make you cum didn’t you, I’m gonna let you cum baby all you have to do is ask.” It felt so fucking good. He was so intense. His words his motions. The things he was doing to me was too much. 

“Please Sy,” I begged.

“Please what baby?” He smirked as his thrusts became sloppy. I groaned feeling it build up inside me. 

“Please let me cum!” I moaned. He Pushed me back down so my face was against the mattress and grabbed my hips thrusting into me. 

“Let go baby, I gotcha, I’m right here baby, cum for me. “ his name tumbled from my lips as my walls clenched around him and I reached my climax. He wasn’t far behind. A few more thrusts and he was cumming inside me. Growling in my ear telling me how good I was. 

“Fuck,” He breathed pulling out and laying on the bed next to me. He pulled me on top of him, combing his fingers through my hair. “Well, I’d say that went well,” He smirked. I shook my head trying to catch my breath. 

“You’re an idiot.” I laughed. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's it Please let me know what you think! There's more to come and let me know if you want to be added to the tag list :)

@summersong69 @carrie80reads @identity2212 @caramariehurst @redheadrouge @warriormirkwood @kingliam2019 @gummydummy19 @deandoesthingstome

[annieintheaair]

I'm doing my best getting used to life after you. Some things are gettin' easier to do, like knowing I won't find another you.

The other night, after not going to work and staying home and writing on here, I went to bed and had a dream that felt super real. Something in the dream indicated that it took place in 2022. Dan was still alive. It was actually a very happy dream, but within the dream, I knew that he was going to die soon. Everything in me wanted to tell him that he only had a few months to live but at the same time, I withheld that and enjoyed my time with him in the dream.

There was a time, many years ago, around 2013, when Dan and I didn't talk for a while. I think it was like six months or something and during that time, the Red Sox won the World Series and my grandma passed away. When we didn't talk for that time, I wondered if something had happened to him. It wasn't like we had had a really bad fight and stopped talking but something at the time had really pulled us apart. I didn't want to reach out but I constantly wondered if something had happened to him. I thought maybe he had died. Looking back, I wonder if it was some sort of premonition; I knew that he didn't have the forever that he thought that he did.

I wish I had listened to that part of me that maybe knew there wasn't a lot of time left. I wish I had taken advantage of the time that we had. I wish that I had done a lot of things differently.

Last week continued the series of things not going how I planned them and trying to come to terms with letting go of all of my expectations. We had some drama at work on Monday night, then Tuesday could have gone ok but due to the weather, yet again, we got delayed getting home Wednesday morning.

By Thursday morning, I was drained. I had to take my Civic for (overdue) servicing that morning so I drove Shawna home on my way and then stopped at Market Street for a breakfast burrito. At the mechanic, I sat next to and chatted with an older man who told me that his car needed a lot of work but he couldn’t part with it because it was his late wife’s car and she loved it. It made me think about how I have memories of Dan being in my Civic with me and when we had twin cars (I had blue and he had silver). I’ll probably be driving the Civic forever or at least until it dies on me because I just can’t part with it. The sentimental value is too high. The older man made me think about that kind of love— refusing to part with something someone you loved, loved. I wished I could find a love like that, that lasts forever.

When I got home, I had a meeting for my second job. I struggled to stay awake during it and as soon as it was over, I closed my laptop and took a nap.

I dropped my San Antonio trip that night to stay home and pack for my trip. I had some wine, watched movies, and went to bed.

Friday morning I got up and ready and then drove my dogs to Kia’s house before heading to Love Field in Dallas to try to catch a Southwest flight to Baltimore. My flight was delayed so after dealing with the struggle that was trying to find a parking spot, I got through security and went to Cru to drink some wine and work on my computer.

Luck would have it— I didn’t get a seat on the flight and the rest of the delayed flights for the day didn’t look promising either. I cancelled my whole trip and drove back to Kia’s to get my dogs and hung out there for a bit while the traffic calmed down. I was super bummed about not getting to spend the weekend with my family and celebrate my nephew, Graham’s first birthday.

It was a pretty low-key Friday night, going to bed, and getting up Saturday morning thinking I should try to go to work, but of course, I wasn’t motivated. I didn’t even make it to yoga on Saturday morning. By late in the day, I decided to go to Total Wine and Trader Joe’s. When I got home, I made myself an aperol spritz (ok, more than one). I’ve been jamming out to the new Shaboozie song, “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” and although that song would be best with a Lynchburg Lemonade, I drank my aperol spritz from the large wine glass I bought when I lived with Dan on 5th Street. After a few drinks, I was dozing off on my couch.

Sunday I watched church on TV and continued to put out fires at my second job. A lot of wrong items were shipped out so I’ve been spending the last few days emailing UPS return labels and manually creating new orders. It feels never ending and there could be up to 70 incorrect orders. I’m (only) at 20 so far.

Since I dropped my trip on Thursday, I knew I needed to pickup a trip to make up for it but I was already committed to going to yoga at 6pm. Right before leaving my house for yoga, a trip with a late sign in popped up on ETB (our trade board) so I picked it up. Somehow I convinced Matt to pickup the other position to go with me.

Aside from the annoying bug on the floor at yoga, it was just what I needed to finish out the weekend. I had just enough time after to go home and shower and then be on my way to work.

Our delayed flight ended up delaying further so I barely got any sleep that night in San Antonio but it was fun to work with Matt so I at least had someone to talk to in the back.

Monday morning I tried to sleep but barely slept. I spent the day being lazy at home before going back to work that night for yet another delayed flight to Oklahoma City. I’m going back to San Antonio tonight and of course, my flight is delayed again.

I had every intention of running errands today and going to Costco but the rain kept me home under a cozy blanket and I ordered Del Frisco’s on Uber Eats.

I’ve been getting a lot of my quilt done lately, which has been great. I’m calling it my delay quilt since I’m taking advantage of all these delayed flights to work on it. When my mom made me the quilt I now have on my bed, she said for years that she would make me one once I finished high school but then I left high school after 3 years and she changed it to college. I finished college in 3 years too and there was still no quilt but then she said once I got my first job and then my first place on my own. I felt like there was always a new thing to achieve before the quilt would be done. When I finally moved to Texas, my mom finished my quilt about a year into living here. I joked about my own quilt that I’d be done by the time I get married but honestly, it’s very possible it will be done this year (and I’m obviously not getting married haha).

June is always a hard time of the year for me. I’ve never been big on birthdays and mine is less than a week away. I’m struggling with knowing that when I turn 35, I will be an age that Dan never got to be since he passed away shortly after his 34th birthday. 14 years ago I had a mental health crisis, and 13 years ago I lost my job and in some ways, also lost Dan. I try not to put too much pressure on my birthday so it’s not a disappointment like it was last year when I wanted to have a party but never got to. When I turned 33, things went almost exactly as planned and it turned out to be a pretty good birthday.

This year, I don’t have a whole lot planned but will be celebrating a little early by seeing Julia Cole in concert in Dallas on Thursday. I can’t contain my excitement. I’ve been jamming out to her songs all week on my rides to and from work and for the last few years, I’ve been one of her top Spotify listeners. Especially after breakups, Julia’s songs really resonate with me. There’s nothing quite like singing your heart out with the words that you didn’t know how to put together yourself but feel them to your core. Matt dropped his trip on Thursday so he could go to the concert with me, which I thought was nice.

Life has been so far from everything I had planned, especially this month. The houses I’m trying to move to this summer keep delaying move-ins so I’m starting to think I might have to find something else. I also got pulled onto reserve next month, which is a whole struggle in itself trying to manage being on call and needing a dog sitter. I’m praying that everything works out and I somehow survive July.

I hate having to constantly adjust my expectations these days because I just feel so incredibly disappointed lately. It feels like one thing after the next.

Anyway, I’m about to board my flight to San Antonio. Praying for no drama tonight and an on-time arrival tomorrow morning. Honestly, is it Thursday yet? I need a night off!

xoxo

Annie

[voiceless-terror]

And Many Happy Returns

a sequel (or companion piece) to Inseparable, my childhood friends AU. chapter 1 of 2.

“Next week?” Jon shrieks, slamming a hand down on his desk and startling the nearby students. “That’s not nearly enough time to prepare!”

Martin does that blinky-eye thing that means Jon’s being too loud, but he can’t help it! Martin’s turning eight in six days (less than a week!) and didn’t think to tell him. They’re best friends, he should know these things. He curses himself for not asking about this at the beginning of their relationship, when he was collecting Martin facts. Favorite color and book seemed more important at the time. 

And while Jon doesn’t think birthdays are that important, it’s still a fact he ought to have known. Well, his Nan doesn’t consider birthdays important. These past two birthdays he’s gotten one new (!) book and a dessert after dinner, but that’s about it. Nan doesn’t have money to spend on frivolous things, and Jon’s never needed much, but he wouldn’t mind a bit of fanfare. His mum always made sure he felt very loved- he got plenty of hugs, a fun cake, an outing where they would do his favorite things. But maybe that’s something only mums do. Nan, with her rare, stiff hugs and general stand-offishness was never one to put up much of a fuss.

“It’s not that big a deal,” Martin mutters, his pencil twitching in his hand as he refuses to meet Jon’s eyes. He doesn’t like it when Jon starts fretting about him. “We never do anything for it, anyway.”

Martin’s mum isn’t anything like Jon’s, that’s for sure. It’s not every day you turn eight. It’s a nice number, very even and divisible. Much better than boring old seven. When Jon turns eight, he’s going to get fifteen extra minutes added to his curfew, and he’ll be able to walk to the corner store all by himself. He’s already walked there several times, but it’ll be nice to have permission. That’s the real treat.

“So you’re not going to bring in cupcakes for the class?” he asks, remembering the last birthday they celebrated- it was Lydia’s, a quiet, unassuming girl that Jon doesn’t mind but also doesn’t think much about. As soon as Jon asks it, Martin gets that sad look in his eyes again, the kind that’s always followed by an “I’m sorry” or something equally nonsensical. Jon hates that he’s the cause of it, him and his stupid mouth. Think before you speak, that’s what Nan always says. She says that for most anything he talks about, though, so he takes her advice with a grain of salt.

He reaches out to pat Martin’s arm consolingly, giving him his best sympathetic head tilt. “It’s alright. I’ve never brought any in either. Just thought I’d check in case you needed help bringing them to school.” Jon’s not very good at carrying things, but for Martin he would make an attempt.

“That’s nice of you,” Martin replies, though it’s not really nice, it’s just a normal thing a friend would do. Jon’s read books about it, he ought to know. “But yeah. I don’t think Mum’s planning anything, much less making cupcakes. She’s really busy.” Martin’s always saying how busy his Mum is, but Jon’s pretty sure she doesn’t do half the things around the house that she’s supposed to. Martin already knows how to cook and make tea and do the laundry without hurting himself. It’s very admirable. The last time Jon attempted to do laundry, he flooded the cellar.

“Do you like cupcakes, though?” Jon asks, scooching closer to Martin’s desk. “Lydia’s mum brought some for her birthday, but they were all carrot cake. Blegh.” He makes an exaggerated face to get Martin to laugh. It works.

“Carrot cake’s not so bad,” Martin says, poking lightly at Jon’s hand with the eraser of his pencil. Jon flinches back dramatically, putting on his most wounded look. “You just don’t like it cause it has the word carrot in it.”

“I don’t like it cause it has actual carrots in it,” Jon sniffs, turning away from Martin to show his displeasure. He decides not to talk to him for the rest of the day, or at least until he has something else to say to him. He’s got a lot on his mind now, and he needs to be left alone with his thoughts. Besides, Martin will poke him again once he gets bored enough. 

Jon flips open the school planner that he’s never used for actual school work and starts to write. He’s got a birthday to plan, and he’s going to give Martin a Mrs. Sims birthday special.

______

It’s a Thursday, which means Martin can’t play on account of his many, many chores. Jon hates Thursdays.

But this time it works in his favor, as he’ll actually have time to plan without Martin thinking something’s up. Jon very rarely cancels on Martin; he’s his most important (and only) friend. But he does on occasion get a little mixed up. One time, he thought it was a Wednesday instead of Thursday, and wound up at Martin’s flat when he didn’t show up at the park. Martin was very nice about it, though, and gave him a cup of tea to ‘calm down’ to drink in the hallway, before he went home. Martin thinks a cup of tea is calming. It doesn’t really do much for Jon, but it is tasty, and Martin gives him extra sugar just the way he likes.

But today is most definitely a Thursday so he scurries on home, slamming the door open and screaming a greeting to Nan that goes unanswered.  She must be off at the shops, otherwise she’d be giving Jon an earful for being too loud. He kicks off his shoes and gazes at the picture of him and his mum on the wall. If his mum were here, she would know exactly what to do to make Martin’s birthday extra-special. But she’s not, and Martin’s mum seems like kind of a jerk, so it’s Jon’s responsibility. “I won’t let you down,” he solemnly tells her smiling face, and turns to take the steps two at a time.

After grabbing his planner and throwing his backpack into the corner,  he pulls out the chair to his messy homework desk, which is usually only used for doodling or writing stories or reading when he wants the activity to feel more official. He flips open his planner to next Wednesday, Martin’s birthday (!!!) and taps his pen impatiently against the page. 

What do birthdays need? Food. Presents. Happiness. The first two might be a bit difficult to pull off, considering his lack of money and cooking skills. Martin deserves a lot more than stale discount biscuits from the grocery. He can get those any day.

But a whole cake is going to be hard. If Nan won’t make one for Jon on his birthday, she most certainly won’t do it for ‘his little friend,’ even if she thinks he’s a good influence. Martin is always very quiet and polite when he sees her, and Nan always gives him a smile in return for his good manners. She doesn’t smile at Jon like that. He tamps down his jealousy and gets back to birthday thoughts.

He thinks he had a purple- or was it pink? - cake on his fifth. It saddens him that he can’t remember. He thinks he’d forget his own mother’s face if he didn’t look at it every morning and night. Memory’s fickle like that, as his Nan likes to say.

Maybe, if he’s very nice and good tonight, Nan will take him with her on the weekly shop and he can convince her to get Martin a cupcake, a good one. One that doesn’t have any carrots in it, even if Martin says they’re alright. He must like them so much because they’re orange, like his hair. Unsurprising. 

He stops wiggling in his chair and straightens his back, as if Nan can see him in his room right now. It’s good to practice, he thinks. If he can sit still all through dinner and not make a mess, she’ll come round. 

Next, an essential part of any birthday: a good present.

His mum never really showered him with gifts, but she always gave him something good, something from the heart. The last present he received - Augustus, an orange cat plushie- still sits on his bed. It’s kind of babyish to sleep with a stuffed animal at his age (or so Marcus declared during recess one day) but Jon doesn’t really care. It helps him sleep.

Unfortunately, Jon can’t buy Martin a stuffed cat. He doesn’t have much money except for what he’s found on the ground and in sofa cushions. And he’s supposed to give that to Nan if he finds it (which he does, mostly).

He could be creative. Make him something. Jon’s not very good at crafts, though. And he doesn’t have a lot of supplies. But he has almost a week to figure something out, minus the times he’s playing with Martin. Well, even then he can stare at him and hope it jogs a good idea.

Lastly, he’s got to make it the happiest, most special day he can. Martin should feel special all the time, but Jon knows how hard that is, especially when you go home and you’re lonely and it seems like you’re the least special person there is. But if Jon is very nice to him and makes the day as fun as possible, maybe he’ll be able to keep that happiness all night, even when Jon leaves. 

That’ll be the hardest part, Jon thinks. He’s not the type of person to make someone happy. Sigh in aggravation, maybe. Roll their eyes. But Martin does neither of those things, so Jon might have a chance. He’ll try and ‘tone it down,’ though. His Jon-ness can be too much at times, and he doesn’t want that to get in the way of what should be Martin’s day.

Everything’s going to be perfect. 

________

And then it’s Saturday, and Jon still doesn’t have a present for Martin. 

He somehow managed to get Nan to agree to the cupcake bit- he’d asked very politely, ate all of his dinner and didn’t spill a thing. Though he thinks it has more to do with her liking Martin. She always acts surprised when she sees him over, like she’s shocked Jon kept a friend for longer than a week. He’s not that bad. But Tuesday she promised to take him to the grocery with her, so it’s fine. One part of his plan is done.

But the present. 

Actually buying something is clearly out of the question- he already exhausted his Nan’s good will in that department. And Jon, for all his usual creativity, is plum out of ideas. He could give him one of his books, but he does that already without prompting. He doesn’t have any good toys, and Martin certainly isn’t getting his best pen, the one that glides real smoothly on the page.

“Are you alright?”

He’s been staring at Martin too long. “Of course,” Jon snaps. “I just like your shirt today, that’s all.”

Martin looks down at his worn t-shirt. It’s not Jon’s favorite, but it’s Martin’s, so he likes it. “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.”

They’re out in the woods behind Mr. Fletchley’s house to investigate what Jon thought was an ancient ruin but just turned out to be a couple of crumbling cinder blocks. It was an incredibly disappointing find, but Martin wasn’t discouraged.

“We don’t know where they came from, or why someone dumped them here,” he reasoned, a hand on Jon’s shoulder. “What if they were stolen? What if they’re part of a...a crime, or something?”

Jon doesn’t know what crime would need a cinder block, but he intends to find out. They’ve been walking down the relatively short path (it’s not so much woods as it is a cluster of trees) and haven’t seen anything suspicious, besides a few empty wrappers and a particularly sharp stick that Jon’s been whacking against the ground. He thinks it could’ve been used as a weapon.

“What are you going to do when you’re eight?” he asks, nudging Martin in the side. He hasn’t mentioned his birthday since the first time, so he’ll be in for a real treat come Wednesday. Jon just hopes he can think of something good in time.

“Mm, I don’t know.” Martin slows down to a mosey, and Jon tries to match his strides no matter how much he wants to jump ahead. Martin’s a real ‘slow down and sniff the flowers’ type of guy. Jon’s more of a ‘run ahead and accidentally trample them’ type. “Probably the same as I’m doing now. It’s not like it’s an important age. I can’t drive or anything like that.”

“It’s a very important age!” Jon insists, though he doesn’t have much to back that up. He’s mostly just excited because it’s Martin’s very first birthday with him. “You should look forward to something.”

“I dunno, I don’t want anything to change,” Martin says, his face going a little red as he stares at the ground. “I’d just like to spend more time with you. Have fun. That kind of stuff.”

Jon blinks. “We do that now, though.”

“Yeah. It’s the best.” Martin gives him a toothy grin, the kind that Jon puts away and thinks about later when he’s at dinner with Nan or getting ready in the morning. People don’t smile at him like that, only Martin. He does it all the time when Jon tells him a good joke, or shares his food, or passes him a particularly funny doodle.

And now Jon’s got the perfect idea for a present.

part 2

[oopsitsstella]

A Soldier Comes Home

Peter Parker x Mom! Reader, Sam Wilson x Reader

Fandom: The MCU

Parker-Wilson Family Masterlist: More stories in the same universe

Warnings: Some angst, but it’s not too bad, me not knowing things about being a soldier, so I most likely got things wrong

A/N: Peter is 11 years old in the first section of the fic, and 16 in the second one. Peter acts a bit younger than an eleven year old in the first part, but let’s just go with it. Also, Sam isn’t Peter’s actual dad, Y/N already had Peter when she and Sam started dating.

2012

It was five in the morning on a chilly November day at LaGuardia Airport. Y/N Parker was kneeling in front of her son Peter, wiping the tears off his cheeks, while her sister and boyfriend stood behind them, watching the interaction.

“I don’t want you to go.” Peter said quietly.

A sad smile crept onto Y/N’s face, and she brought Peter in so she could hug him properly.

“I know you don’t. I don’t either, but duty calls.” She tells him, pulling back slightly to look at his face.

“Mom has to go be a hero.” Sam speaks up, and Peter turns his head to look at him.

“Like Iron Man?” He asks, looking back at his mom.

“Yeah. Exactly like Iron Man.” Sam chuckles.

“I’m cooler though, aren’t I?” Y/N asks, and Peter cracks a smile.

“You’ll always be the coolest.” He says, before more tears slip down his face.

“Oh, my darling boy.” Y/N sighs, hugging him again. “It’ll be okay. Sam and May will look after you, and I’ll call, or write letters as often as I can.” She promised him, while Sam crouched down next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“You trust me, right?” He asked, trying to lighten the mood. It seemingly worked, seeing as Peter let out a teary laugh.

“Yeah.” He said, and Sam also gave him a quick hug.

The two adults stood up again, and May came and put a hand on her nephews shoulder, while Y/N wrapped her arms around Sam.

“Promise you’ll be careful?” He asked.

“I always am.” She assured him, pressing her lips firmly against his. They kept their embrace for a while longer, before pulling away.

Y/N then moved to her sister, giving her a hug too.

“I’ll miss you.” May said quietly.

“I’ll miss you too.” Y/N whispered, tightening her arms around May for a moment before letting go.

“Think you’re ready to go?” Sam asked.

“Not quite.” Y/N said, crouching down to the ground. “Can I have one last hug, Pete?”

Peter didn’t hesitate a second, launching himself into his mom’s arms, one last embrace before she left.

When they let go of each other, Y/N stood back up, and gripped onto her bag.

“I’ll call as soon as I can after I land.” She promised.

One last goodbye from her small family, and off she went.

2017

It had been five years since Y/N saw her son in person. Five years.

Yeah, it came with being a soldier, she knew that, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Not being able to see her son, her boyfriend or her sister for such a long time was not a good feeling. So when Y/N received the news that her deployment was ending, rest assured she was over the moon.

She knew Peter would most likely be in school, so she instead decided to call Sam.

“Hi Sam.” She spoke into the phone.

“Hey Baby. How are you doing?” Sam’s voice greeted.

“I’m doing… spectacular, honestly.”

“Oh really? Any particular reason, or is it just a good day?”

“There is a very particular reason.” Y/N couldn’t help the giddiness seeping into her voice. “My deployment’s ended. I’m coming home.”

“What?! Seriously? You’re not messing with me?”

“Samuel, would I joke about this?”

“Touché, no you wouldn’t.” Sam said. “Do Peter and May know?”

“No, they don’t. I figured Peter’ in school, and May wasn’t answering, so I called you.”

“Well, don’t I feel special now.” Sam said, making Y/N laugh. “When are you coming back?”

“Well, me and the other soldiers who are coming back are getting a flight, it leaves Wednesday night, so two days from now, so if all goes according to plan I’ll be landing at around noon on Thursday.” Y/N explained. “Oh, but that means Peter will be in school when I get home, doesn’t it?”

“It does indeed, sadly.” Sam said. “But I’m sure we could get Peter out of school for the day so he could come greet you.”

“Is it bad I kinda don’t want to tell him so I can surprise him on Thursday?” Y/N spoke hesitantly, and Sam laughed.

“No, I don’t think so. You wanna surprise him?”

“I kinda do.” Y/N chuckled. She could hear the sound of fingers snapping, before Sam spoke again.

“I have an idea. Tony’s been wanting to have dinner with the whole team, May and Peter included, and I also happen to know, and I think you do too, that he’s been wanting to actually meet you in person.”

Y/N had met her son’s superhero mentor a few times when she had been on the phone with Peter, and Tony also happened to be around.

“Sam, are you saying what I think you are?” Y/N asked.

“I mean, great minds think alike, right?” He said, and Y/N laughed.

That day, Sam and Y/N, along with Tony and May made a plan. May would come pick Y/N up from the airport that Thursday, and they would spend some time together. Then Sam would come pick her up, and they would also spend time together, before heading to the tower. Then, later that night, Peter and May would come to the tower for dinner with the team, and there Y/N would be. Ready to see her son for the first time in 5 long years.

“I missed you so much. You don’t even know.” Y/N whispered, tightening her arms around Sam’s neck.

Sam had just pulled up outside the apartment complex where May and Peter lived, where Y/N had been waiting for him, and as soon as he was out of the car, Y/N had launched herself into Sam’s arms.

“If it’s anywhere near as much as I missed you, I think I have a pretty good idea.” Sam replied.

Y/N pulled back slightly to look at her boyfriend. Much like May, he hadn’t changed much, but she was almost thankful for that. It was nice coming home to familiar faces.

“Still as handsome as ever.” She said quietly, placing a hand on his cheek.

“And you’re still as beautiful as when I last saw you.” Sam replied smoothly.

“And you haven’t lost your charm.”

“I could never.”

“Fair enough.” Y/N whispered, before placing her lips on his.

“Peter, come on! We have to go!” May called to her nephew.

“Mr. Stark isn’t going to be mad if we’re a little late!” Peter called back.

“That doesn’t mean we have to be.” May responded as Peter walked into the hallway. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

The car ride to the tower was mostly filled with silence. The radio was on, playing music, and May and Peter talked a little bit, but it was mostly silent.

“May, are you okay?” Peter asked after a while. “You seem a little on edge.”

“I’m fine Peter.” May assured him, glancing at him before looking back at the road. “I’m just a bit nervous about meeting the team. I have only met Tony, Pepper and Happy before, you know. Other than Sam, of course.”

It wasn’t a complete lie. It was true that she hadn’t met most of the team yet, but it was most certainly not the reason she was a little nervous.

They soon arrived at the tower, and were greeted by Tony, Pepper and Sam standing at the entrance waiting for them.

“Hey buddy.” Sam said, giving Peter a hug, before giving one to May.

“Welcome, welcome.” Tony said, giving both Peter and May a hug as well, Pepper doing the same. “How are we doing on this fine evening?”

“I’m okay. I’m missing mom a little. Well, more than usual, I haven’t talked to her in a while.” Peter said.

“Well that’s okay.” Sam said, placing a hand on Peter’s shoulder as they all stepped into the elevator. “I’m sure we can make you feel a bit better.”

The five of them stepped out of the elevator, and walked through the kitchen.

“Mm, before I forget, I don’t know if May told you, but we have a special guest join us tonight.” Pepper told Peter as they stepped into the dining room.

“Oh really, who-“

Before Peter could finish his sentence, he stopped dead in his tracks. There, standing next to the couch, just a few feet away from him, stood his mom.

Her hair was a little longer than when he last saw her, and she looked a little tired, but there was no doubt about who it was.

“Mom?”

“Hi Peter.”

That was all it took before Peter was running towards her, and she caught him in a hug. Both of Peter’s arms wrapped around Y/N’s waist, while she placed one hand around his shoulder and one at the back of his head.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, tears in his eyes.

“I’m home.” She simply said.

“I missed you so much.” Peter whispered, tightening the hug.

“I missed you too.” Y/N replied, running her fingers through Peter's hair.

“Sam come here.” Peter said after a moment, reaching an arm out to him, making Y/N chuckle.

“Oh, I’m allowed to be part of the family moment?”

“You’ve been a part of this family for forever, now come here. You too May.” Peter said.

Sam let out a chuckle as May walked up to her sister and nephew, before he also joined the trio.

Y/N kept one arm around Peter, her other one moving to wrap around Sam. May had both her arms wrapped around Y/N and Peter, while Sam’s arms were encasing the whole group, Peter still in the middle hugging his mom.

Their family was finally back together again.

[mcu-fan-fics-blog]

The Helping Hand

Summary: Y/N Krast Illegitimate Daughter of Tony Stark. Product of an unwanted teen pregnancy. What would Howard Stark be capable of doing to assure his sons future? What will happen when Tony meets our Beautiful, young, genius, rich philanthropist.

Word Count: 2000 approx

A/n: I will try to finish part 2 during the week maybe Wednesday or Thursday. I did change what happens in the movie but it will call make sense I promise. See you soon!

Tw: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Drug use, Drug addiction, Teen Pregnancy. (If there are any I missed please tell me.)

Ch.8

Chapter 9: Civil War Pt.1

Ch.10

Secretary Ross what a bitch. I mean you save the world you'd expect a thanks maybe a parade or something, but no. Instead they ask you to legally give up your rights, your anonymity basically all you value. "We can't seriously consider signing this." Steve spat out. "You're being Hyper nonverbal." Nat points tony out. "That's because he's already decided." Steve points out calmly. "I can't sign… I won't sign the accords." You mutter out quietly. "I'm not even an official part of the 'team'. I don't even have a hero name." Pietro chuckles giving you an approving nod. 

Nat brings you and Pietro back to reality. "You were still there." She points out matter of factly. "Either way that does not change that we have made some very public mistakes." She continues. "We need to be put in check." Tony states. "If we don't do it now they will do it to us later and they won't be asking nicely." He says. "I agree it's better to keep one hand on the wheel, than letting go completely." You're honestly not listening at this point anymore. You jump back in after Visions statistics. "My friends are dead because of you." You point out. 

"You blame Wanda for an accident. When I saw your effect on Sokovia way before you blew it up." You mention spitefully. "If you want to sign because you feel guilty go ahead. I'm not being forced into this..." Tony sighs hurt by your comments' brutal honesty. "I'm just trying to protect Wanda." He says looking at you. "Too little too late… where were you when she was in Lagos." This is when Wanda steps in. "Just calm down okay… Just- lets just hear him out." She says looking at you. "Either we have her here with her brother or they become government property." He continues. "You can't just not sign… think about everything you'll lose." Steve jumps in again. "If we sign, we lose our chance to choose. We work under our own authority now, but people have agendas and you know that better than anyone." Steve points out.

Tony and Steve go at it for a minute when he abruptly leaves. Soon you find out why… Peggy passed. You and Nat flew out to be with him for a moment. After which he told you he was not signing the accords. "Wish you the best Captain Rogers." Is what you said. You hesitated but pulled him into a hug. "If you ever need anything talk to me… I'll do my best to help you out." You tell him and he hugs you back. Nat convinced you to fly to Vienna with her and sign the accords there. So you did and regretted it not long after you arrived. It was a complete bore fest. You let Nat do her own thing and you just walked around like a lost puppy until something called your attention. You rush back to her immediately. "Nat, something's wrong, something is very wrong." You repeat then you look out the window confirming your theory. "EVERYBODY GET DOWN" you yell as you leap on Natasha. She's about to reprimand you for causing a scene when the whole building shakes.

It was a blur and everything hurts. You stand up and all you can hear is ringing and a faint voice. As you stand you hear your name faintly Natasha is calling you but there's something else. Your head begins to throb. The voice it's clear now. It's repeating words. "Zhelanie, rzhavyy, Semndtsat', Rassvet, Pech', Devgat', Dobroserdechnyy, Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu, Odin', Gruzovoy Vagon." You grab your head to try and steady yourself. But the voice gets louder and then you recognize it. "Don't believe what you see… dig deeper Y/n. It wasn't him." Then you're pulled out of your daze by Nat standing before you. "Y/n are you okay?" She asks worried. You only nod turning your head and noticing that somehow you made your way outside. "I umm- I need you to call tony and tell him it happened again." You say calmly she nods and takes off to make the call. As she did that you called Steve. "Yes, Steve I'm fine we're fine… but you need to listen to me."

He was scared and the news spread like wildfire. "It wasn't him… Steve it wasn't him." He's quiet. "How do you know?" You sigh. "I just do Steve okay. I believe in you alright. But you can't look for him. If you find him the rest will find him. Keep your distance a week two tops just listen to me please." You plead with him he eventually sighs. "I'm trusting you Y/n" you sigh in relief. You hang up when Nat begins to walk back to you. "Tony is sending a Plane." She mentions looking around them fixing her sight on you. "How did you know something was going to happen?" Her voice nearly a whisper. You shake your head. "Y/n you told me something was wrong very wrong at least 30 seconds before the bombs went off."

"I-i don't know Nat something felt wrong… off then I looked out the window." You say trying to piece together your thoughts. "Lets go… let me drop you off at the airport." She says helping you up. The drive was quiet and uncomfortable. She wasn't sure she believed you, she saw that you called someone. Her walls were up and your answers were not helping that. She helped you board the plane and said her goodbyes and walked out. The ride was quiet what you wanted. But those words kept circling your mind. You couldn't have heard them more than three times but they were burnt into your mind. Vision and then twins were waiting for you when you landed. "Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner will not get here in a couple of days." You nod taking your time getting off.

"Are you okay?" Pietro asks when you trip down the last step. You shake your head. "I'm just tired, plus it's not everyday that you live through an explosion." You chuckle. "I just need some rest." You finish. Your sleep was not as peaceful as you'd like. Your head kept going back to that state of limbo the same words repeating over and over again. In the morning you're feeling well enough and make your way down to the kitchen. You weren't surprised when you found the Maximoff twins already up and going. "Good morning" you say as you walk up to them noticing Vision floating in a corner. "Good morning do you feel better?" Wanda asks as she flips a pancake. You nod watching Pietro chop vegetables extremely fast. Wanda clears her throat catching your attention. "Your thoughts were very loud last night…" 

"Oh my Wanda I am so sorry if I kept you up." You begin apologizing but she cuts you short. "It's fine I only brought it up because I can hear them… they are there, but I can read them?" She says questioning whether or not you understood. You nod. "Did it happen again?" She asks, worry filling her eyes. "I-i don't know how to explain it. Yesterday I felt something was off. I heard a voice after the explosion." You mention trying to wrap your head around the situation. "It was repeating these words. I can't stop thinking about them." You finish off. She gives you a confused look. "Bruce said it's kinda like the green guy… It keeps me alive." 

"Is that why I can't read you anymore?" She blurts out. "I don't know probably." You shrug. "Nat, she doesn't believe me… I saw it in her eyes." You mention quietly. Pietro rushes over to you and puts his arm around you, messing with your hair. "Well we believe you, isn't that right?" He looks at Wanda and she nods. He has to throw a piece of fruit at Vision. "Yes, I think there is something to your condition." He mentions a smile growing on his face… Or what you think he thinks is a smile. It causes everyone to break out into laughter. After that you and the twins have a nice couple of days hanging out and living in some type of normalcy. You would watch the Dik Van Dyke show and Bewitched per Wanda's request and then one night something was off again. "Wanda… something's off. It's different." Is the last thing you manage to say before Vision rushes over to your side. This time the threat was internal… your heart. 

"Y/n to my understanding your heart is going into cardiac arrest. Stop fighting your mind, it will protect you." He mentions. You clutch your chest and let your mind loose. "Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner have been informed and will be here soo…'' is all your hear before you black out. You're in and put at one point you think you see Bruce but you're not sure. Then you're back in that white tundra and she's there waiting for you with a warm smile on her face. "Why do we keep meeting like this?" You ask as you run towards her. "It's you…" Is all she says hugging you. "Yes, who else would it be." You say playfully. She chuckles but she shakes her head. "It's you we meet on your terms. You only let me in when your guard is down." She steps back. "Are your okay?" She asks cautiously. "I really hope so." You say honestly taking a seat on the floor. "That's not what I meant… I-i um I had to give you a push in Vienna." She sits next to you. "That was you! Of course that makes sense. What do they mean." She smiles. "You'll figure it out… I know you will." She says again and you lay your head on her lap. She runs her fingers through your hair humming. "How long can I stay here with you like this?" You ask with your eyes closed. "As long as your want monkey."

"Where is she, is she okay? What the hell happened?" Tony burst into the compound the anger masking how scared he was. "Dr. Cho is in there right now and she's stable. She's almost done. Dr. Banner is assisting" Vision answers Tony calms down slightly turning to the twins. "What the hell happened?" They both shrug and Pietro speaks up. "You should ask her." He says his head nodding towards Nat. Tony makes a double take when Steve and Sam walk out behind her. Natasha walks up to them "What happened?" Tony only signs "That seems to be the Billion Dollar question." Wanda jumps back in. "She said something was off… something happened in Vienna." Now Pietro get defensive and jumps in to back his sister. "She said you didn't believe her." Tony turns to Nat. "Did she tell you this?"

"What was I supposed to believe Tony… she knew a building was going to explode before it did." Tony is now pacing. "She told you something was wrong… MY DAUGHTER told you something was wrong, that something was wrong with her. And you didn't think to tell me!" Natasha is left speechless and so is everyone else. That's when Dr. Cho walks back into the waiting room. "The surgery was a success and we replaced the damaged heart. She should wake up in a couple of hours depending as their medications wear off." She says not noticing the tension. Tony sighs in relief and Dr. Cho walks off. Tony points at Natasha. "You will stay away from her agent Romanoff." With that he walks off. 

It had been more than a few hours. It had been days and you hadn't woken up. "What is happening to her?" Tony hadn't left your side. Everyone had stopped by everyday their hopes diminished. Bruce calls him over and makes him take a seat. "Tony we have to wake her up soon!" He nods. "Of course we do!" He says looking at Bruce shake his head. "Her medical directives legally bind us to remove all life sustaining measures after two weeks."

[onlysarah235678]

A Little Bit Part 4

Pairing: Billie Dean Howard x female reader

A/N: Wow this one is a lot longer. Sorry this one took a while. I’m back at work, and then I’ll be back in school. As always, enjoy :) Gif not mine!

Warnings: kitten angst, date fluff, and brief mention of dog distress.

Thursday couldn’t come fast enough for either of you. Vet clinics were always busy during the summer no matter where in the country you were. People had more free time which they happened to spend outside with their pets. More people were bringing their dogs in for snake bites than you were used to back East. That said, you had never seen a dog or cat get bitten by a rattlesnake before, but you were already on your third one this week.

You were still texting Billie when you had the chance, but she was busier this week too so you didn’t usually hear back from her until after work. You were happy to hear that Mickey had been the first kitten to open his eyes on Tuesday and another couple had followed this morning. You were being bombarded with kitten pictures and questions as they got older, but you loved it. They looked so cute, and you were thrilled that Billie was enjoying their company.

She still had someone take care of them during the day, but at night you would usually get a kitten report and a picture of the entire family. Bit was being a little more receptive to taking care of Mickey again now that he was a little bigger, but she still didn’t pay him as much attention as the others. As soon as he was done nursing, he was usually moved meaning that Billie had to keep him around her a lot between feedings to keep him warm.

They didn’t have names yet, but Billie had told you she’d decide once they came in for their visit next week. Hopefully it would be a little easier to tell their sex at this point, but you weren’t optimistic since they would only be a little more than three weeks old. Usually you couldn’t do accurate sex determination until 5 weeks, but at the very least it would be another opportunity to see the kittens and Billie again.

Billie was just as busy as you were this week. Her producer had told her that she had a lot of ADR to do. A majority of her dialogue from the first few episodes needed to be recorded. These episodes had taken place in one of the noisiest buildings she’d ever filmed in. An old school for the mute ironically.

As a result, she’d been spending a lot of time running back and forth between the studio and home this week, and by the time Wednesday afternoon rolled around she was exhausted. She was excited for tomorrow night though. She’d already made a reservation at a restaurant she hoped you’d like. It was nicer than the café and definitely fitting for your first date because it was definitely a date.

Billie was distracted from her plans for tomorrow night by her assistant’s knock on the door. She had been taking her lunch break which was almost over when Michelle came to find her.

Billie turned with a smile assuming the blonde was just going to tell her it was time to get back to work. She hadn’t been expecting the stressed out look she wore. Billie hadn’t even considered what was actually wrong.

“What is it?”

Michelle shifted some of the things in her arms to one side so she could hold up her phone.

“Heather called. There’s been an accident with one of the kittens.”

You were just finishing lunch when Billie called you. You were sitting at your desk trying to finish up some records between eating when you hear your phone buzzing from under the pile of papers. When you realized that the continued buzzing meant someone’s trying to call you, the shifting of papers becomes slightly more frantic. You let most of them drop into your lap or on the floor before you manage to grab your phone. Seeing it’s Billie you smile before answering quickly.

“Hey, Billie, wh-?”

You don’t get to finish your sentence as Billie interrupts you in a frantic voice. You listen carefully while grabbing the nearest pen to take notes.

“Y/N, Heather called. Mickey fell from her pocket. She thinks he’s okay, but would you have time to see him?”

You don’t even bother looking at your schedule knowing that you’d make the time before telling Billie to bring him in. She hesitated slightly before mentioning that she couldn’t leave work and that Heather would be bringing him. You said that was fine before asking if she told you anything specifically about what had happened.

It sounded like he had been moving around more than expected and he’d just walked out of her pocket. She said it was only a few feet, but you said it was still a good idea to bring him in. You hung up with her after promising to give her a call once you took a look at him.

You quickly picked up your papers before putting Mickey on the schedule and heading downstairs to let someone know. Billie said that she was already on her way because she’d called from the car not sure of where to go, so she’d be here soon hopefully.

You get downstairs and see that most people are still on lunch. A few assistants are still on the clock, and the first one you see is on the phone. You go into the back and see that Erin is still eating lunch with another assistant, so you intend to continue your search for someone else when she sees you.

“Hey Dr. Y/L/N. What’s up?”

You decide to tell her because you have a feeling she wouldn’t mind cutting her lunch a little short. You’re not wrong and the brunette jumps up from her seat with a horrified look.

“What happened to the little Howard kitten?!”

You sigh as you explain the situation while Erin goes to the computer to clock back in. She then goes to the schedule and notices immediately that kitten 6 is now named.

“Aw his name’s Mickey. That’s so cute! So is she on her way?”

Erin follows you into the pharmacy as you nod in confirmation before you correct yourself.

“Actually, her pet sitter is bringing him in.”

You don’t miss how Erin visibly deflates at this news, and you feel bad for a second before she sighs in defeat.

“Aw well. They still have their regular kitten visits for me to fangirl over her.”

You barely hold back a laugh as you think about how Billie would respond to this. You have a feeling she’d like having a fan here at the office. Hell there are probably more.

“Have you watched any more of her show?”

The question surprises you but you try not to let it show as you mentally add up all the episodes of Billie’s show you’ve watched since your lunch on Saturday. You watched a couple a night if you weren’t too tired so that’s maybe 10 or so. You say this to Erin and she nods before asking a follow up question. You have no problem answering it because you have some time to kill, but you also don’t want to give anything away.

You hadn’t really considered how things would change at work if you started dating Billie. You doubted your paths would cross here other than when she brought her kittens. You didn’t expect random visits since this was a little out of her way, but you couldn’t be sure. You two hadn’t talked about that because well you hadn’t even gone on a real first date yet.

“Are you liking it? Have you seen the episode when she was in that asylum?”

You nod and open your mouth to respond when you hear the front door open. You hear a frantic voice and figure you know who it is. Erin picks up on this too and goes up front to go ahead and bring them to an exam room. She’d go in as soon as she did in case it was an emergency.

“Heather, can you tell me what happened?”

You felt bad for the younger woman. She was crying and barely calm enough to speak. You had a feeling she was terrified about getting fired or worse and unfortunately you couldn’t really reassure her of anything until you looked at Mickey.

The kitten was definitely bigger since you last saw him and that made you smile, but he was very sedate. He wasn’t bleeding and he had no obvious injuries, but as you carefully examined him, he definitely seemed off. You ignored the sound of Bit meowing from her carrier as Heather wipes her nose with a tissue before shaking her head.

“I was walking downstairs with him in my pocket like usual but before I got to the bottom of the stairs, I felt him fall out. I don’t—I don’t know how he did it, I didn’t feel him move or anything.”

You watch as the redhead begins to cry again and you rush to offer any reassurance you can at this point.

“Well he’s not bleeding so that’s a good sign. Do you know if he hit anything other than the ground? Did he roll down the stairs or anything like that?”

Heather shook her head before telling you that he’d just fallen out and then she saw him at the bottom of the stairs.

“He may have rolled down a few, I’m not sure. God is he going to be okay?”

You continue your exam not noting any abnormal heart rhythm or breathing patterns. You try to stand Mickey up but he definitely doesn’t want to do that. He whines slightly before falling back onto his stomach. You hear Heather mutter a curse before you come up with a plan.

“Has he nursed today, been normal otherwise?”

Heather just nods but she doesn’t look away from Mickey who is resting his head on the table, eyes closed.

“Yeah, completely normal.”

You nod before deciding to listen to him again, just to be sure. You take a minute, still not noticing anything abnormal before you share what you think.

“So the only thing I can appreciate on his exam is that he doesn’t want to stand up. His whining might be from pain, but it’s hard to tell. Does he usually make a lot of noise throughout the day?”

Heather just shakes her head and you nod before doing a couple of calculations in your head.

“Okay. Well there are a couple of things that we can do.”

You tell Heather that you can take x-rays to see if there is anything obviously broken from his fall. They could also just monitor him for the next few hours here before sending him home if nothing changes. The last and least favorable option would be to take him home and just see how he did.

Heather clearly didn’t want to do the last option as she shook her head and took a deep breath.

“No, I think I want to take x-rays to be sure, but I probably need to call Ms. Howard.”

You nod before mentioning that you promised to call her after the exam, and you don’t miss how Heather jumps on this opportunity. You don’t blame her for not wanting to talk to Billie right now. She’s probably upset and Heather’s clearly terrified. She’d buy Heather some time if that’s what she needed.

“You’ll call her?”

You nod before you look to the carrier that you assumed held all of the other kittens. That made sense. Leaving them home alone probably wouldn’t have been a good idea. God forbid something else happened.

“Of course. Just give me a few minutes and we’ll do whatever she wants. Erin’s going to take him back with us, you can wait in here if you like or the lobby.”

Heather just nods and thanks you before you retreat to the nearest phone. Erin is carefully cradling Mickey as she opens the door to the back to take him to treatment as you pick up the phone. You dial Billie’s number and wait for what feels like forever before someone you don’t recognize answers.

“Hello, this is Michelle, Ms. Howard’s assistant speaking.”

“Hi Michelle, I’m Dr. Y/L/N at Sunset clinic. I just finished looking at Mickey.”

You hear rustling in the background before hurried footsteps follow as Michelle quite possibly runs somewhere.

“Oh, you’re the vet! Great, just give me one second to find her.”

You just nod muttering ‘not a problem’ while you wait for Michelle to track Billie down. It doesn’t take long and you hear Michelle’s muffled voice saying that it’s you on the phone and Billie’s quick thank you before her voice is in your ear.

“Y/N, how is he?”

You relay what you’d told Heather to Billie and she is eerily quiet when you finish your explanation of the possible next steps. It isn’t until she speaks that you realized she jumped to worst case scenario.

“What will you have to do if he’s broken something?”

You try to figure out how to tell the most truth without getting into all of the possible complications.

“It would depend on what he broke, but I couldn’t get him to react to anything other than trying to make him stand. He was fine for everything else.”

Billie sighs and you swear you hear the flick of a lighter in the background. You don’t have to wait long for the medium to make her decision about what to do next. You’re not surprised by her decision at all. You know how much she adores Mickey.  

“Okay. You can go ahead and do x-rays, but is it possible for him to stay there for the rest of the day? I don’t want Heather to have to worry anymore about him.”

You nod because you were going to suggest keeping him here regardless. Not only was Heather really frazzled, but your techs here would be able to monitor him closely and bottle feed him.

“Of course, I’ll have my assistant take the x-rays while I go tell Heather.”

Billie sighs heavily before nodding in approval. “Thank you, Y/N.”

You smile briefly before hanging up and getting to work.  “Of course, Billie.”

Erin calls you into x-ray a couple of minutes later and you’re eternally grateful when you don’t see any broken bones. You look at the images taken thoroughly before you decide that there’s nothing concerning. Everything looks normal for a 2-week-old kitten. You’re relieved to get to tell Billie this, and you call her while holding Mickey in your lap.

“Hi, Y/N.”

“Hi Billie. So good news, I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary for him. No broken bones.”

Billie sighs in relief before taking a drag. “Thank goodness. You’ll still keep him there though?”

“Definitely. We’ll keep a close eye on him for you and you can pick him up at the end of the day.”

Billie doesn’t need to look at her schedule to know that it will be a long day, so she shakes her head.

“I’ll probably have Michelle pick him up. I’m going to be working late.”

After everything is arranged, you talk to Michelle again to get her information before hanging up. Lunch is officially over and your first afternoon appointment is here. You sigh before realizing that you need to get Mickey set up before talking to Heather. You suspect that Erin popped in and told her that everything was fine, so you take your time setting up a space for Mickey and talking to your techs about the plan.

Hopefully it will be an easy, uncomplicated afternoon for him.

Despite knowing that Mickey wasn’t in any immediate danger, it was difficult for Billie to concentrate for the rest of the afternoon. She’d called Heather to confirm that she was going home and would be able to stay late with the other kittens. She made sure to let her know that she wasn’t angry at her. Just thinking about how panicky she’d been during the conversation they’d had as she drove to the vet was enough to make Billie feel bad. Once she was satisfied that she’d calmed Heather’s nerves to the best of her ability, she tried to finish up everything that needed to be done today so she could go home and see Mickey.

She still had almost a full episode-worth of dialogue to record by the end of the day. Things were moving slowly because she had to rewatch all of the footage to time everything correctly. Billie supposed it wasn’t taking any more time than usual, she was just stressed.

Michelle had been nice enough to offer to call and check up on Mickey every so often, but you’d insisted that he would be fine. You’d promised to call if anything changed, so Billie tried to resist being an overbearing parent and refused to check in.

The blonde brought another cup of coffee into the recording booth Billie was in, and she shot the other woman a grateful look.

“Thank you, dear.”

Michelle just nodded with a small smile. “Of course. Is there anything else you need, Billie?”

The medium shakes her head before taking a long sip of coffee. She wished that she could have a cigarette, but that would have to wait until her next break. Which wasn’t going to be for a while.

“No, thank you, Michelle.”

The blonde leaves Billie alone in the booth for the next few minutes she has before she begins recording again. She takes a deep breath before looking back to the pages in front of her. This wouldn’t take too long, if she focused.

Billie didn’t even believe that lie by the time she started reading.

When you went to check on Mickey next, it was after your 3pm appointment. You’d gotten really busy and hadn’t been able to spare a glance at the kitten. You knew that your techs were taking good care of him, but you also felt obligated to watch over him as well. Not just because it was your job, but because you were worried. Mickey had a lot going against him. Being the runt, basically being rejected by Bit and now falling down the stairs.

He was a tough little guy for sure, but you just wanted to make sure that all of Billie’s love and attention wasn’t wasted. You had to make sure that this kitten made it. even if it meant checking on him every chance you got.

When you arrived to the back of treatment where he was being kept you smiled at the sight of him sleeping. He looked adorable.

“He’s pretty cute, isn’t he?”

You turn to see one of your techs watching you from where she’s cleaning instruments at the sink. You nod, not able to stop the smile on your face from growing wider as you watch him shift slightly in his sleep.

“He is. He’s gotten so big since I last saw him.”

Mina smiles as she finishes up what’s she doing before she comes over to stand next to you. You turn to her as she opens the door so you can get a good look at him.

“He’s been the perfect patient. He loved his formula and mostly just lies there. He was walking around a little while ago. If you can call it walking.”

You turn back to him with a smile glad to hear that he’s doing well. He opens his eyes a little at the sound of the door and makes the cutest mewling sound. As you watch him wake up more fully and wiggle around in his blankets you wonder how the hell Billie Dean is going to give him up.

“Here, doc. Did you want to feed him?”

Mina’s holding a small bottle filled with milk and you don’t hesitate to nod before taking it from her with a quiet thanks.

“He’s going to go fast if she brings him back here to be adopted out.”

You nod but otherwise say nothing because you have no doubt about this. Hell, if Billie doesn’t want him you’ll take him. Maybe.

You’re not sure Milo would like that.

After fawning over Mickey for a few minutes, you have to put him back in his bed when your next appointment arrives. You sigh as you look at the clock, it’s only 3:40. You’ve got almost three hours left of work at least. That doesn’t seem like much, but then you have the day off tomorrow and a whole day to prepare for your date with Billie.

As you make your way to the front of the clinic you remind yourself to figure out where you’ll be going sooner rather than later.

Billie Dean was finally done with work for the day. It was already 7 and getting home might take an hour with traffic. She was exhausted and ready to go home and sleep. Well first she had to check on the kittens of course. Mickey had been picked up and dropped off with Heather about 2 hours ago.

Michelle had called to tell her that Y/N had said that everything went well during his stay. He’d even walked around a little. Billie was thrilled to hear this and it took all of her self-control to not groan at the traffic she was already in.

While she sits stuck in traffic she thinks about your plans for tomorrow. Billie hadn’t told you where you were going yet, but she planned on calling you once she got home. Both to give you a heads up about tomorrow’s date but also to thank you. She was extremely grateful that you were able to see Mickey today and that you had been flexible. She knew it was your job, but she just felt better knowing that you were the one taking care of him. She knew that you wouldn’t lie to her.

By the time she got home, she was so tired she could fall asleep. She hadn’t realized how stressful it was dealing with work and worrying about the kittens until she stepped into her house and saw Heather sitting on the couch with Mickey in her lap.

“Ms. Howard.”

Billie just shook her head as she walked further into the room and gestured for the redhead to stand up. She did so, placing Mickey on the couch carefully—he was fast asleep before turning toward the older woman. She was ready to be yelled at, but when she was just pulled into a hug she was too stunned to react immediately. Eventually, when Billie squeezed a little harder, she realized that she had just been standing dumbly and finally hugged the medium back.

“Thank you for today. I’m sorry if you were worried about how I’d react.”

When Billie pulled away and immediately looked to Mickey, Heather moved out of the way so she could get to him. She was still a little on edge and felt like she at least needed to apologize again. She didn’t get very far though before Billie shook her head from where she was now sitting on the couch with Mickey on her lap.

“Still, I’m sorry I--.”

“Don’t apologize, sweetie. It’s okay, I know it wasn’t your fault.”

Heather sighs in defeat but doesn’t argue as she gathers her things to get ready to leave. She mentions how the other kittens are doing fine and she’d just seen them nursing. Billie smiles before she thanks Heather again and watches as she leaves through the front door.

Billie releases a sigh before she picks Mickey up carefully and inspects him. She didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. She smiled as he opened his eyes and made a small sound that made Billie want to crush him in a hug. She didn’t of course, and she just stood up and headed upstairs to change so she could carry him around with her to find some dinner.

You are still in the office when Billie Dean texts you. You got a little behind with records today and you had a few more to get to before you could head home. The buzzing of your phone pulls you from thoughts of skin allergies and you turn in your chair to look for the device. You stand up only for it to fall to the ground, having forgotten that you’d put it on your lap. You sigh before you bend over to pick it up along with some of the papers you have scattered on the floor.

You’re usually very organized, but this week has been a little crazy and staying on top of things has been difficult. It is especially difficult to concentrate when you always have a certain blonde and her kittens on your mind. You unlock your phone and see that Billie’s asking if you’re still at work.

You sigh again because unfortunately you are at least for the next 20 minutes. If you’re lucky. You have two more records to write up, and one of them was a little involved. You say something brief to this effect and continue typing while you wait for her response.

Billie is wondering if you usually stay at work this late. It was 8 o clock and she was barely hanging on to consciousness. She wouldn’t be awake if it weren’t for the glass of wine and the dinner she was forcing herself to eat. She sat with Mickey beside her on a makeshift bed as she looked through emails on her computer. It was late and she wasn’t answering any of them now. She was mostly being a little creepy and seeing what she could find out about you.

It only seemed fair since you’d Googled her.

That said, there was a lot less on you than there was on her. Billie was able to find out where you went to school, and she saw your graduation pictures, but you weren’t really on social media. Your Facebook hadn’t been updated in months and nothing she found really told her anything more than you had on Saturday.

Except one thing.

Billie didn’t read it though. Billie wanted to hear about Y/N from her instead of the internet or any other means. She closed her computer when her phone beeped and when she saw your message, she realized that almost half an hour had passed since you’d told her you were still working.

We’re leaving now.

Attached to the text was a picture of Milo jumping up from where he stood next to you. You were holding up something that must have been a treat because Milo’s mouth was wide opened and headed straight for your hand. Billie considered calling you now, but figured you shouldn’t be distracted when you drive. Instead she sent you a text.

Let me know when you’re home? I’ll tell you where we’re going tomorrow.

Billie sees that you’re typing, and once she gets an ‘ok’ in response she puts her phone down and heads upstairs. She needs to put Mickey with Bit for a while and see if he’ll nurse. She also needed a cigarette and really didn’t want to smoke around Mickey. All of the cats really, but only Mickey was ever in her pocket.

The other cats were all getting so big. They were still tiny, but they were much bigger than when she’d found them under the deck just a couple of weeks ago. All of them had opened their eyes at this point, and a lot of the time she sees them they’re trying to crawl around. She hasn’t seen that any of them leave the laundry room, but if they do, Bit herds them all back to bed so she’s none the wiser.

Once Mickey is settled with his brothers and sisters, Billie showers and is already in bed by the time you get home.

You let Milo run inside first before you head to the living room and collapse on the couch. You know that you need to eat dinner, but you’re so tired that you can’t even fathom getting up right now. You roll onto your back before digging your phone out of your pocket.

I’m home. Do I get to know where we’re going now?

Almost as if she wants to hold you in suspense, it takes Billie almost 10 minutes to respond. Little did you know she was just checking on the cats one last time before leaving them to sleep. Luckily Bit had allowed all of the kittens to stay in bed with her during the night. It was only during the day, according to Heather, that Bit tries to push Mickey out onto the floor, if not move him to a different room altogether.

She arrives back to her bedroom to see that you’ve texted her. She smiles at your question before she finally tells you where she’s made reservations for tomorrow night.

You stare at your phone before you go to Google to figure out what restaurant this is. You really need to get out more. You see that it’s literally the fanciest restaurant you’ve never been to. You look at the menu because you have to plan ahead, and your eyes widen at the prices you see next to the dishes you’re not sure you can pronounce.

You hadn’t been super stressed about this date, only moderately stressed, but this just changed that.  You had never been treated to something like this, and despite the fact that it made you feel all sorts of dizzy, you weren’t sure you deserved it. You wondered how you could put this when another text message came in as you were still staring blankly at the menu.

If you don’t want to go there, I can change the reservation.

You quickly open the text preparing to deny this, but you stop. It’s not that you don’t want to go there. Sure it’s a little intimidating and you feel like you’ll stick out like a sore thumb, but the idea of going there with Billie is a little…exhilarating. You briefly look to your closet trying to think of what you’d wear before you make your decision.

You’ve been telling yourself to go outside of your comfort zone since you’d moved here. Honestly you hated the idea of doing so, but having someone that you trust with you…You knew Billie would make sure you were comfortable. Clearly, since she was already checking in with you. Finally you sighed with a small smile. You were touched that she was being so thoughtful already and decided to take this chance. How bad could it be if Billie was with you?

Thursday night finally arrives and after spending a whole day lounging around and anticipating tonight’s date it’s finally time. Your first date with Billie. Since you plan things down to the minute, you arrived to the restaurant a little early. You were grateful since traffic had been, well L.A traffic. You honestly hadn’t lived in a big city before and you getting used to there being so much traffic all the time. You pulled into the parking lot only to be directed to the valet. Right. That happened here.

You get out of the car and sigh as the night air hits you. This is going to be fine. It will be fun damn it. It will be. You continue to tell yourself this as you make your way inside. You can’t help but look around at the predictably decorated interior. You don’t pay it much mind as you wait until the hostess is free and looks to you with a smile.

“Hi, how are you? Do you have a reservation?”

You smile as you nod and mention that you are supposed to be meeting Billie Dean Howard. She shoots you a curious look, but once you give your name she nods and leads you further into the restaurant.

You walk past a lot of people and you swear you see a celebrity or two, but you’re not here for them. You’re looking around in search of a familiar blonde when you spot her from over the hostess’s shoulder. You smile at the sight of Billie Dean sitting at a booth waiting for you.

She’s wearing another silk blouse, but this time she’s also wearing a string of pearls. You nearly run into the hostess you’re too busy staring at the medium’s hair that is styled a little differently, but luckily you stop just in time.

You wait until she turns to leave before you move to sit across from Billie. You smile as you get situated before looking to Billie again.

“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”

Billie taps her fingernails on the table, smiling as she watches you look to them before shaking her head.

“Not at all. I was trying to get here before you after all.”

You don’t have time to think about why this could be before Billie tells you. She’s smirking at your confused look but it soon turns flustered when she explains.

“I wanted to be able to watch you walk in.”

You couldn’t help but blush slightly at this and you shoot her a curious, teasing look.

“Well, was it worth it?”

Billie’s eyes light up, and you swear she looks impressed as she nods and shoots you a dazzling smile.

“More than. You look stunning, Y/N.”

You smile before taking a second chance to look at Billie and you blush harder when you see that her smile has turned to a smirk again.

“You too, Billie. You always look beautiful though.”

The medium scoffs and mutters something about that being nonsense. You don’t get a chance to argue with her before your waitress shows up. The tall blonde smiles at the two of you before handing each of you a menu.

“Good evening. My name’s Taylor and I’ll be your server for tonight. Can I get you started with something to drink?”

You had completely neglected to look at the drink menu, so you let Billie go first while you frantically searched through the list of drinks. You’d already decided that you were going to get something with alcohol. You were still a little tense and you knew that drinking tended to help you with this. As long as you didn’t overdo it.

So you ordered your favorite drink that wouldn’t get you more than a little tipsy before looking back across the table at Billie. You tried not to stare, but you just couldn’t believe what you saw. Part of you believed that if you closed your eyes, you’d find yourself back at your apartment realizing that this was all a dream. You weren’t sure how you got so lucky to attract the attention of someone like Billie Dean.

You were just grateful for Bit and her kittens bringing Billie to the clinic and into your life.

You’re still admiring the woman across from you when Taylor walks away. She looked back to you feeling herself want to smile again at your adoring look. She was accustomed to attracting attention. It came with the territory of being on television. She was used to people staring at her, fawning over her, and sometimes leering at her.

This wasn’t that though. You were looking at her with something that resembled awe, and that made her feel appreciated in a way she hadn’t for a long time. You weren’t with her tonight because of her money or her fame. You were after something else that Billie was quickly realizing, she was all too willing to give.

“You’re staring, sweetheart.”

You snap out of your trance and shoot Billie a shamefaced look. You mutter an apology that you don’t really mean. Well you didn’t mean to stare, but you couldn’t bring yourself to feel bad for appreciating Billie Dean. You wanted to make sure that you never stopped doing that.

“Sorry, I—I don’t have a good excuse. I’m just—I really need to thank Bit for having her kittens under your house.”

Billie laughs at this as Taylor comes back to set your drinks down. You both need a little more time to look over the menu, so the blonde leaves as you start to look for the dish you’d seen earlier today.

When you watch Billie pick up her glass of wine but not take a sip you look up from your menu with a frown. She’s smiling at you as she looks between you and your glass, and you quickly take the hint. You grab your glass too and hold it up with a grin.

“To our second date.”

Your smile disappears as your brows furrow in confusion. Billie has to stop herself from mentioning how cute it looks.

“Second?”

Billie can’t stop herself from laughing; however, as she nods in confirmation. She could practically see your internal struggle and had to ask.

“Yes, did you not count Saturday?”

You flushed at the thought of Saturday being a date, meaning that this dinner was not your first date. You shook your head before shrugging at the realization that you were just dumb. You’d been so damned stressed with first date jitters only for this to be the second date.

You were a mess sometimes.

“I just—wasn’t sure, I guess. Am now though.”

Billie smiled at you again before she clinked your glasses together and took a sip of her wine. She didn’t break eye contact with you and you took a long sip of your drink to hide how her watching you made you feel all hot and bothered.

“Good. It’s settled then.”

You just nod dumbly before returning your attention to the menu in an attempt to calm your racing heart. You found the dish that you’d been eying earlier before turning to Billie. You plan to ask her if she’s been here before when she beats you to it.

“You can, by the way.”

Now you’re really confused. You must have missed something. What had you just been talking about?

“What?”

The only response you had to what Billie Dean just said only made her smile wider. She shrugged as she opened her own menu, but didn’t really look at it. She was still watching you as she clarified her meaning.

“You can thank Bit, if you’d like. After this.”

Billie’s biting her lip to stop from laughing too loudly at how quickly your face turns red. She just can’t resist watching you flush so prettily at even the faintest suggestion. You just take a deep breath before muttering something that might be ‘dear god’ as you nod absentmindedly.

“Yeah, sure. Maybe—I mean—I haven’t seen the other kittens in forever.”

Billie Dean smiles victoriously before she decides to be merciful. She gives you a break as she changes the subject.

“Have you always wanted to be a vet?”

The abrupt change of subject surprises you despite how relieved you are. You’re not sure why you always act like such a prude around Billie. You’re not. It’s just the idea of that, doing any of that with the medium makes your head spin. If you think too much into it you might faint, so you are eager to answer Billie’s question and retreat from dangerous territory.

“No, definitely not. It wasn’t until the second year of college that I really committed to it.”  

Billie asks what influenced your decision, so you tried to explain it in the most concise way possible. You didn’t want to drone on or tell your entire life story. It’s just there wasn’t a one sentence answer to this. You’d gone from wanting to be a paleontologist to a marine biologist to a dentist (for the money), to a physical therapist before finally deciding on being a vet.

“When I was in high school, I went with my mom every weekend to visit my grandfather. I helped take care of him and everything and thought that’s what I wanted to do. It didn’t last too long though.”

You see from the way that Billie’s looking at you, that she has questions. You aren’t sure what she’s going to ask, but your waitress is back to take your orders before she gets the chance to. Billie fidgets slightly tapping her nails against the table while you order and it isn’t until you’re alone again that you consider what the cause might be.

Billie’s in the process of putting her hand back in her lap to stop herself from fidgeting when you speak up. You’re not sure you’re right, but you want to at least say this so Billie knows where you stand.

“Are you okay?”

Billie frowns in confusion not realizing that you’d caught onto her nervous tick until she sees how you’re studying her. Still she nods and tries to play it off, but you don’t let her dismiss you that easily.

“I’m fine, Y/N.”

You decide to take the risk.

“Are you sure because you look like you could use a cigarette, or at least a stronger drink. I wouldn’t mind either.”

Billie smiles wryly at this, laughing under her breath as she shakes her head. You just keep surprising her.

“Maybe, but I can only have one of those in here.”

That didn’t occur to you immediately, but a quick look around tells you that she’s probably right. You nod more to yourself than her before you take another sip of your drink.

“True.”

You sit in silence for a while before you realize that you hadn’t returned Billie’s question. You are curious to know the answer because honestly, you’re not sure what you could see Billie doing, other than her current job of course. There were so many possibilities.

“What about you? What did pre-medium Billie Dean want to do?”

Billie frowns as she considers this and you almost become worried before the medium merely shrugs her shoulders in response.

“I wanted to play tennis, but then my calling…called.”

You remember what you’d read about Billie becoming a medium at the age of 25. Then you think about 25-year-old Billie playing tennis. You’d never been a fan of the sport because you were terrible at it, but you definitely wouldn’t say no to watching Billie play.

“You played tennis?”

You’re really just asking for elaboration, but when Billie just smiles, you prompted her.

“Were you any good?”

Whether she realizes it or not, Billie Dean sits up a little straighter practically preening before she shoots you a cocky smile.

“I was unbeatable for a while.”

There are so many ways you could respond to this, but you settle on the teasing response that comes to mind first. You secretly just want to know if Billie still plays and if she’s as competitive as you think.

“You mean you’re not anymore?”

Billie sighs at the thought because she hasn’t played competitively in years. She’s been a little busy getting her career off the ground. It had been difficult for many reasons. First of all no one believed that she had this gift of speaking to the dead. She was quickly written off as nuts and proving them wrong took a lot more work than it would have if she’d been a man.

Luckily most of those struggles were behind her, and the worst she had to deal with was people asking her too personal questions because for some reason they felt like they had a right to know.

“It’s been years since I’ve played.”

You laugh before nodding in understanding. You’re going to have to find out more about Billie playing tennis later. For now, you’re going to behave and just let your imagination run wild.

“Did you play any sports?”

You try not to laugh at the fact that yes, you did, and it was not only the most stereotypically lesbian sport, but you also weren’t good at it. You definitely weren’t unbeatable like Billie. You shrug your shoulders before trying not to make 6 years of softball seem like a big deal. It wasn’t really. The team needed people and then you realized you liked it.

You ironically didn’t realize you were gay until you started crushing on someone on your team, but there was no way you were telling Billie that.

“I wasn’t that good. I just ran fast and occasionally caught things.”

Billie asked what position you’d played and you mentioned that you’d been catcher for a couple of years before you were moved to outfield. It had been a good and bad move. Good because being catcher stressed you out, but bad because your ADHD made it easier to zone out while you were standing in the outfield.

“It was mostly just running. A lot of running.”

Billie smiled at this as she considered what you’d told her recently about your dislike of running, and exercise in general.

“Did you lose your taste for it back then?”

You nod because it’s true. You definitely dislike running, but sometimes it’s the only thing that you can do to destress. Also Milo would never let you stop completely. He liked it too much. You say this and this reminds Billie of something she’s been meaning to ask. You mention your dog a lot and she feels bad that she’s never asked more about him.

“I never asked. Have you had him since he was a puppy?”

Without realizing it, you finish up your drink and sigh at the seemingly simple question. You hadn’t ever mentioned having Milo as a puppy because then you’d have to explain how you got him. Or rather from whom. However, it seemed like you weren’t going to be able to avoid talking about this anymore, so you just decided to be as honest as possible. Just without revealing too much of your baggage.

“Yeah, I actually got him from my ex. Her parents bred German Shepherds, and they said they couldn’t sell Milo because he was too small and sick.”

Billie frowned at the idea of this for a couple of reasons. She decided to focus on Milo for now because she was hopeful she would hear more about your ex later if you ever opened up to her about your past. For now, she wondered how anyone could want to abandon a puppy.

“That’s horrible.”

You just nodded because you remember how horribly your ex had put it when she’d told you. She’d been so nonchalant as if this sort of thing happened all of the time and that it was okay. That wasn’t quite the end of your relationship, but it was very close to it. Things just went downhill from that point.

“Yeah, it was. He had gotten sick and as a result became blind in one eye. They were just going to—well I’m not sure exactly what they would have done with him, but I jumped on the chance to adopt him.”

Billie smiles as you say this because she can tell just by how you talk about him that he’s your whole world. He’s your baby. Like how Mickey’s become hers.

“How long ago was this?”

You spent way too long talking about your dog and how the past two years had been for you. Your meal came while you were telling Billie the story of how Milo had gotten his head stuck in a wall and you two could barely thank Taylor you were so close to crying you were laughing so hard.

“I had left him for maybe an hour to run an errand and I come back to hear him screaming bloody murder.”

It had been terrifying to open the door and immediately hear him screaming in distress. You had honestly thought that he had hurt himself somehow despite how careful you’d been with cleaning your room.

“I thought he was dying I was so freaked out, then I see that he’s literally chewed through the wall into the hallway, but he got stuck in the second layer of drywall.”

Billie was laughing so hard she could barely choke out the only three words that came to mind. “Oh my god.”

You nod before rolling your eyes at the thought of how much damage the puppy had caused. He’d only been 5 months old at the time.

“I know. He broke a tooth and had to get stitches from thrashing. It was a mess.”

Billie’s wiping the tears from her eyes as she shakes her head in disbelief. He sounds like a handful, but she can’t wait to meet him. She says this and you smile before agreeing quickly. You know that Milo will love Billie. He honestly loves most people, but you’ve learned that he is a good judge of character.

You both took a moment to taste your food. You hadn’t realized how hungry you were, and you had to force yourself not to stuff your face. You reach for your drink, only to realize it’s empty before you just grab your water. You’re not sure you want another one yet.

“So you never did tell me what it takes.”

Your attention returns to Billie who is shooting you a questioning look. You don’t realize what she’s talking about, but your frown of confusion prompts Billie to continue.

“You said that your belief in the supernatural depends on certain things. Do you care to elaborate on that?”

Your eyes light up in realization before you smile in response. Since you’d promised Billie that you’d explain this you’d been trying to figure out how to say it in a way that didn’t sound too generic. Sure you believed in the supernatural, but did you believe that contact with spirits was as common as it is portrayed in the media? Not at all.

You take another second to get your thoughts together before you tell Billie what you think. She just listens carefully nodding every now and then as you explain your views based on your limited understanding.

“I definitely believe, but—I don’t know. There are so many different representations of the supernatural that some of it seems farfetched. I guess, I just mean that if you told me that ghosts are around us all of the time, I’d need some proof before I believe you.”

Billie’s expression stayed neutral, but she mentally cursed herself for not wording this question better. She hadn’t anticipated you saying that because now what could she say in response? She didn’t want to tell you what she’d picked up on the first time she’d met you. That would certainly freak you out, and you didn’t want to get too personal too early into…whatever you two were heading towards.

Billie didn’t dwell on this too much fully realizing that she needed to respond to what you said. She wasn’t sure if you sensed her hesitation, but she just decided to default to her flirty nature.

“I’ll have to show you how it’s done sometime then.”

The innuendo is not wasted on you because Billie sees you flush slightly before nodding in agreement. You muttered something under your breath that resembled ‘sounds good’ before taking another bite of food. You may need that second drink after all.

About an hour later, you two had finished up dinner and dessert. Billie had kept her promise and paid before you could even open your mouth to argue. She hadn’t played fair because you’d been distracted and hadn’t noticed Taylor come up to the table with the check. Still, you didn’t get a chance to pout before Billie was shooting you a questioning look. It wasn’t teasing and you were a little surprised by this given what she asked. However, you had already made up your mind just moments after she’d asked you the first time.

“So, do you want to go see the kittens?”

Of course you did. You wanted to make sure that Mickey was okay, and check up on the other kittens as well. You wanted to check on Billie’s cats. That was the only reason why you wanted to go to her house. You had no ulterior motive whatsoever.

“Let’s do it.”

Part 5

[everybodyscupoftea]

chemistry

isaac lahey x reader

isaac needs help in chemistry and you need help in english - the beginning

this is for isaac anon and the few people that wanted this. i’m just dabbling here, so let me know if you guys want more! (i did quite a bit of Research for this and i have ideas)

also let me know, i left it vague, but if i expand i’m probably going to add in scott, stiles, allison, and lydia. would you guys like to keep it supernatural or do full au where they’re just normal college students?

You noticed the boy in your Intro to Academic Writing course, but you didn’t really focus on him, mostly due to freshman year stress, until he sat down next to you in General Chemistry. Stepping into the classroom you’d felt at ease, science was your jam, but the really cute boy put you back on edge. You felt hyperaware of him, his scent, kind of cinnamon-y, fall-esque.

He tapped his fingers on his notebook, and you couldn’t help but notice he wrote in green pen. You glanced every so often to see him doodling in the corner of the page instead of taking notes on the intro lesson on the scientific method that your professor was doing.

The boy rested his chin on his hand and his fingers went from tapping on the notebook to his jaw and you shook your head, trying to focus back on the professor who was talking about your lab groups.

“The people at your table are in your group. Lab is on Wednesday nights, I won’t be the instructor, you’ll have a TA, but you can email me or come to my office hours if you have any questions about what’s going on. I’ll see you all on Thursday.”

You started to pack your stuff and the boy turned to you with a crooked grin, “I’m Isaac.”

Shaking his hand, you introduced yourself and he stood, waiting for you to finish packing your stuff. You zipped your booksack, “You’re in my English class, right?” you asked, faking as if you didn’t notice him as soon as you stepped into the door.

He nodded, “Yeah, with Dr. Terranova.”

“He seems,” you trailed off, looking for the right word, “interesting.”

Isaac grinned, “You mean overwhelmingly picky for an English 101 professor?”

“That’s a great way to put it,” you told him, laughing.

The two of you walked out the door and down the hall together. Isaac shifted his booksack on his shoulders a little and asked, “Do you have any more classes today?”

“Calculus,” you told him and he grimaced.

“Fuck that.”

“You?”

He nodded, “Spanish.”

Unfortunately for you, the buildings were on opposite ends of campus, so you paused just outside the door to the chemistry building. Isaac paused too and smiled, “See you tomorrow night?”

“See you tomorrow, Isaac.”

-

Your lab group was made up of two boys and two girls. Isaac, Andrew, Abigail, and you. Out of the group, you were the only STEM major, and the only one who actually liked chemistry. Isaac patted your shoulder, “Well, that officially makes you team captain then.”

“Thank god,” Abigail added, “I’m an advertising major, my brain noped out of the sciences years ago.”

The other guy, Andrew, said, “I took Chem 2 in high school and didn’t pass the AP exam, chemistry and I have beef.”

You snorted and said, “Cool, well, I’ll try and lead us to the promised land.” They seemed to like that.

-

Your group was really smart, everyone was picking up the labs really easily and you were thrilled, especially when the teacher stood in front of the class after the first test review. She clapped her hands once, “Okay, the lab group with the highest combined test average gets five bonus points added to their test scores. This is me trying to get you guys familiar with study groups, especially if you’re going to be in STEM, which I know some of you are. Study groups got me through school.”

Unfortunately, everyone in your lab group already had stuff going on, so you couldn’t study with them. Fortunately, the test was on intro stuff like the scientific method, conversions, and balancing equations, and your group hadn’t had any issues in any of the lab work, so you weren’t worried.

But when you got the test back, you realized, maybe you should’ve been. Isaac got his handed back first and actually laughed when he looked at the grade. Before you could ask, the professor set yours down on the desk and you started flipping through it, frowning at the little points you’d had taken off for careless mistakes.

“Fuck,” you muttered, “should’ve gotten at least a 97.”

“Wow, can’t believe you fucked it up for the whole group,” Isaac sarcastically responded, nudging you with his elbow, before sliding his test on top of yours. He nudged you again, “As you can see, I’m carrying the team,” and he motioned toward the D written in bright red at the top of his paper.

Your mouth dropped open and you picked the test up, flipping through to see what he’d missed. Eyebrows furrowed, you looked over at him, “You should tell her you accidentally skipped the back page.”

“Oh, it wasn’t an accident, I just didn’t know how to do it.”

“Well,” you stuttered, “it was the same stuff we did in the last lab activity.”

Isaac nodded, “Yes it is, and I didn’t understand it then either.”

“I thought,” you paused, mind racing, “I thought we all did?”

He grinned at you, “Some of us aren’t science brains, my friend.”

“What are you?” you asked as the class started to pack up.

With a soft smile, he threw his booksack over his shoulder, “I’m a literature major.”

-

You didn’t mean to think about it as much as you did, but when 2 a.m. rolled around and you were at your most impulsive you couldn’t stop yourself from sending out a text.

Hey, do you maybe want to meet up and study sometime?

After hitting send you could’ve slammed your head into a wall. You locked your phone and put your head in your hands, “God damnit.” And then your phone dinged.

I’d love that, love to have a STEM genius in my corner.

Your cheeks heated as you read it and your mind raced with your heart. It was beating harder and part of you couldn’t even believe he’d said yes. Taking a breath to steady yourself, you responded.

Idk about genius but I’m not half bad at chem

He responded, even faster than the first time and you grinned, unable to stop it from overtaking your face.

I may not know much about the scientific method or whatever, but all evidence suggests otherwise, genius

-

The next test wasn’t for a few weeks, but Isaac wanted to start studying earlier. He suggested meeting at a coffee shop called The Beanery. Coffee shops weren’t really your jam, you liked the silence of the fourth floor of the library. Go early, get a table, put in head phones, and go to work. But, you were open to try Isaac’s suggestion.

It was brightly lit when you walked in, and he was already there, at a table in the corner, laptop out. Books were spread across the tabletop, and he already had two empty mugs on the table in front of him, leg bouncing as he aimlessly chewed on a pen.

Shaking yourself out of staring, you walked to the counter to order. Isaac smiled up at you when you made it to the table with your coffee.

“Welcome,” he told you, moving some of his books out of the way. Sitting up straighter, Isaac glanced around, “What do you think about this place?”

“It’s nice, definitely a change of pace from my norm.”

“Where’s that then?”

“Library, fourth floor.”

“Quiet up there, huh?”

“Yeah, but I listen to some music for background.”

“I like coffee shops,” Isaac said, closing his laptop, “the vibes are nice and my clothes always smell like coffee afterward which is a fun bonus.”

At his comment, you looked down at his clothes. You were a little surprised to see that he was dressed just like during the week: jeans, a nicer t-shirt, and a cardigan. You’d wondered, deep down, if he dressed nicer for class, but it didn’t seem the case. Isaac cleared his throat and your eyes snapped to his face, ears burning when you saw him staring at you in amusement.

Coughing quietly, you reached for your booksack, “So, chemistry. Do you understand what we’ve been going over?”

“I know they’re called Bohr models but I don’t know anything else about them.”

“Right, so,” you paused a minute, trying to figure out where to start, “it’s a way to draw an atom and it’s kind of like a planet.”

Isaac leaned forward through your explanation, resting most of his weight on his elbows, and tapped the green pen against his lower lip. Every so often he’d ask a question, shift a little and write something down in his notebook by whatever he’d scribbled in class. His questions were shockingly insightful, and you eagerly answered them all.

By the time you’d gotten through the basics of thermodynamics, he’d added a whole page of notes, and you could tell he was starting to lose interest. Shutting your notebook, you told him, earnestly, “I hope this helped a little.”

“I promise,” he looked you straight in the eye, “it makes sense. This all looked like a foreign language before we met up.”

“Good,” you nodded, “this is my jam.”

“Keep on spreading it,” he joked and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Well,” you admitted, “you may not be good at chem but you’d kick my ass into next week in English.”

“How’s your paper going?” Isaac asked, leaning back and crossing his arms, looking genuinely interested.

“It’s…going.”

He snorted, “That doesn’t sound promising.”

“Yeah neither does my thesis.”

“Do you have your laptop?”

“Yeah.”

“Let me have a look,” he suggested.

Pulling up the word doc, you passed your laptop over, staring down at your hands, twiddling your thumbs, a little nervously, as he read through your rough draft.

“What did Dr. Terranova have to say in your conference?” he asked, pushing your laptop away.

You sighed, “He was less than complimentary.”

Isaac laughed, “It’s not that bad, but it could use some polishing. I can help of course.”

Relief washed over you and you felt a weight off your shoulders, “That would be incredible actually.”

“There, now we’re even. You tutor me in chemistry and I’ll make sure you pass English, starting with this rough, and emphasis on rough, draft.”

Reaching across the table, you shoved at his hand, “Be gentle.”

“I’m going to get another chai,” he said, standing to stretch a bit, “and you pick out what sentence exactly you think is your thesis. We’ll start there.”

Biting your lip to conceal a grin, you nodded, waking your laptop back up.

[thejosh1980]

Little Wing

(Trigger warning: animal/pet death)

Today, right now, I am sat at the spot where Mijo felt his last sunrise, just 24 hours ago.

He was 28 weeks old, he spent 20 of those weeks with me, and my family. He was my family. He was thrust upon me by my wife and mum, who knew Mijo would be the kind of birthday present I'd want, but could never ask for.

When he arrived he was unexpected. Straight from the car, into my bedroom, onto my lap, what a surprise, it was love at first sight. Those eyes, that tail, that round belly, the fur, I was all in. I had to say goodbye to 4 beautiful pets whom I loved dearly when I left Germany, so then and there I made a quiet, whisper promise to Mijo;

“I'll never ever leave you”...

We began like any other Daddy and cat story, playing, eating, talking to each other. We may have made a few messes on the bed learning to potty train, but I couldn't really fault him, he was perfect. He loved cuddles, got under our feet all the time, talked to us a lot and wanted to be a part of everything happening around the house.

He meowed very loudly too. Sometimes he'd meow from the next room sounding lost and worried. That's when I started to realized something was very different about him. It took about 2 weeks, but then I realized, he was totally deaf!!!! No vacuum cleaner, loud bangs, claps, or door slams could get his attention. When he meowed loudly, it was either because he had to, to feel himself meowing in his head, or he was missing us and could smell us, but not hear us in the next room. I had never had a cat who couldn't hear me call their name, so this was going to be a challenge.

Mijo accepted that challenge...

In a short time I figured out how to clicker train him, using a torch. I love training cats. Most folks think it's impossible, but I've taught cats to fetch, sit and come on command in the past.... So, pretty soon I had him jumping up, over and across chairs and tables on cue. I also learnt a way to “call” him; assuming he could see me, if I knelt down and tapped my leg, he'd come a running. Every time. We had it all figured out.

Grab a harness and a lead, and off we go, walking around the garden. This wasn't a cat, this was a dog. He had very little fear, I mean, he couldn't even hear the birds making a racket or the car driving by or the dog barking next door. He was fixated on me.

I bought him a blow up boat, to use in the pool, to help him get used to floating on water. It was a huge boat for his little size, but he'd hop in, and I'd “treat” him while he got used to the motion. The plan was to build him up to a real boat, or canoe or SUP. I could imagine him walking on water.

He was also great with other cats, so I could take him to visit his cousin and they'd play all day (if we'd let them). He'd come with me to visit other family and then... well, then the real adventures started. Mijo and I could go to the river, the park and the beach. We also went for coffee at the busiest part in the local village, and he took it all in his stride. We took bike rides too, as he sat in a special backpack I had for him. I could hold him while skateboarding or put him on my shoulder as I walked around. He was chill, happy to see and smell his silent world.

When Alex or I came home, and he'd be in the bedroom snoozing or gazing out the window, we could come in, take off our shoes, put our stuff down, maybe run to the loo, then we could snuggle up with him, cause he hadn't heard us arrive. He would just be waiting... He'd just wait for someone to step close enough, blow on his ear, feel a vibration and then he'd meow a big BIG hello, purr and snuggle. He was a no pressure cat... But always ready for hugs and pats.

Besides being deaf, he just didn't seem like any other cat I'd had or even met...

But isn't the way it is with all pets? They're all unique.

He loved Alex. He always had a hard decision between my lap and hers, or sleeping close to one or the other. We had a son to take care of, to love and to enjoy. At the beginning, Alex wasn't sure about having a cat, she'd pretty much always been a dog person, but it didn't take long for Mijo to wrap her around his little paw. She was hooked.

We thought he was going to be grow up to become a big boy. You know, Maine Coon sized 5-6 or maybe 7 kilo. We had high hopes for a dog-like cat, big enough to take on the world. We wanted to show him the world too.

After he had his snip (desexing) in mid March, he wasn't very well, and it really traumatized all of us, we just weren't sure why he took it so badly. He was in a lot of pain, even though the operation itself was quick and really good, with no issues. He would spend the day, in his “bread loaf” position, with his nose to the ground. It was like he was conserving all his energy for when we came home or wanted his attention.

Eventually, after a few weeks he bounced back, back to being his usual self, for a while. He actually lost a lot of fur during this time, most likely due to a reaction to the antibiotics and pain killers. Where his collar and harness were, he lost all his hair. It only took a few days, a bit too quick to realize what was going on, he rarely wore the collar or harness after that. It meant we sometimes lost him in the house without his bell on to tell which room he was in, so I'd be running around turning on and off the lights to get his attention and a meow.

It was our fun game of “Mijo Polo”.

We had noticed he wasn't eating as much, and he wasn't as playful. In fact, all his toys were being ignored, and he rarely chased anything we teased him with. When we took him for playtime with his cousin, he wouldn't last as long play fighting. Something was up, we thought he'd bounce back by now.

Overall, he was a very chilled cat, having just had an operation and now with, ringworm, a tooth problem (one adult tooth was causing him problems and needed to be pulled) maybe that was why he wasn't too interested in food. Surely it wasn't bacteria, an infection or a virus in his blood.

In early May, Mijo developed ringworm, which, by the way, isn't a worm but rather a fungal infection. The vet already had us on anti fungal cream day and night. It's very unusual to get ringworm; it's all around us, but a strong immune system, actually, a decent immune system, would fight off any infection naturally. Cats generally just lick it all off their fur. Humans sometimes get it, from a scratch or a wound. It's in the soil, it's in the air.

When we got the treatment for the ringworm, we also gave him an appetite stimulant, to encourage him to eat, but it made little difference. As nothing changed, we went back to the vet a few days later, and did a hypothyroidism test; the results were borderline.

What could be going on?

At the time of his desexing operation, he was 1.7 kilos, a week later he was down to 1.5 and eventually 1.45 kilo. His body was growing a little, but his muscle and fat wasn't.

We talked to the vet and decided, even though his ringworm was infectious, the tooth had to go, sooner rather than later. It seemed logical that it was his biggest barrier to fulfilling his dietary requirements and his well being. We wanted him fattening up, growing up, and being his usual self again, ASAP. We needed to get him back on track towards good health, enough was enough.

On Monday 17th May I dropped the little guy off at the vet for the day. A check up and a tooth pull.

Before any cat gets an anesthetic, they run a simple blood test to determine if the cat is well enough. During the day we got a call that the operation couldn't happen, and that he'd have to stay in over night or longer, with meds to help him, because his red cell blood count was low. 10%. Most cats need around 40%, if there's any complication with the tooth pull, his blood may not clot.

It's official, he was very unwell.

I was at school when I got the news. I was in shock. Our little boy was that unwell? But he does eat (a little), he does walk on the lead with me, he's eating his treats... was he that unwell?

Suddenly we had to decide on some expensive tests to figure out what was wrong with him. I mean, the red blood cells were being eaten up by the white ones, but why?? We arranged the suggested tests and they kept him in over night.

I was very distraught. How can my little guy be so unwell yet behave well? With that blood count, he shouldn't be able to walk, he should be so lethargic that he can't keep his head up!! He should be in a coma.

All in all, theoretically, he should be dead.

So was it dwarfism, hypothyroidism, mycoplasma??? And and and?? Tests... Blood being taken.. Our boy in the vet over night, alone, worried, scared??? Will he make it through the night? I didn't sleep well...

On Tuesday afternoon the vet let us bring him home. His blood level was down to 9.1%. The idea was that, at least at home he'd have cuddles and love, and that might help his immune system. He was lethargic but not completely terrible. I would need to bring him in on Wednesday for another blood test, to see how he was doing.

On Wednesday, it didn't go well, Mijo had gone from 9 to 8.1% blood level. It was now becoming almost impossible to get any blood out of him. I saw how difficult it was 2 weeks earlier when he had the hypothyroid test, they had to try on both legs and his neck to get a half mil of blood! He was a champ and barely complained. But now, I couldn't imagine the pain he went through with even less blood.

He's been that sick for how long?? Why hadn't we noticed?

We were panicking.

The vet suggested we meet with a mature, more experienced doc, on Thursday. We should be able to figure something out, we had to. Each day = less blood = more chance of...

Well, I am a hopeful guy. I realize, I live on hope. I spent years hoping certain people in my life would change, or love me in a way that I feel some love. I always hope things will change for the better. I don't know why, but it's ingrained in me to feel hopelessness or hope... I think I'm never in the middle... or is that called acceptance? OK, maybe I do feel that too, eventually... But it takes a long long time...

I have videos of Mijo on Thursday 20th, he's cleaning himself in the sun, meowing and purring, happy to see me, walking around the garden with me. Full of life and adventure.

At lunch time, Mijo and I go to the vet. He is his usual cute self, always curious at the vets, and now there's a the new guy he's meeting, what an adventure.

Before he opens the cat box he said something along the lines of “Well, because his blood levels are so low, today is really about deciding if he goes to heaven or not...” I'm not sure, but I know I heard words like “heaven” and “euthanasia” early on in the consultation. Shock was setting in. I barely heard anything else he said, luckily we had Alex on the speaker phone.

Turns out, not only is our little guy deaf, he's an anomaly.

Any cat with 8.1% should be comatose. They should barely be able to walk. They certainly can't pee or poo without help and don't drink or eat much. Mijo came out of his box and sniffed around, was alert and ready to meet the new guy!!

The vet was stumped. He had never seen this before, in over 30 years...

We didn't know he was so sick, because, he was, overall, a well behaved cat. His weight he lost, sure, but he was now at least stable. He was eating, it just took a lot of creativity sometimes to spark his interest (mostly warming up meals and giving him treats).

The vet tried to explain to me, but I'm sure Alex on the phone understood it clearly, that we had very little time, well, no time. We had 3 choices that day. Go to a specialist an hour's drive away, give Mijo steroids and hope he had mycoplasma or Immune mediated hemolytic anemia (IMHA) or, lastly, euthanasia.

Wait???? What does that even mean??

The specialist would give him a blood transfusion, and some special custom drugs which should help him. The vet said it could cost in the 10s of thousands, and may help Mijo for a few weeks, but it's not a solution that we are sure would be long term or not.

Giving Mijo steroids would give him a fighting chance, or not... Basically it could cure or kill him. Because we aren't sure what is the cause of the low blood count, it could be IMHA, mycoplasma or something else, but it's a best educated guess at this rate. If it is the wrong choice, he may die quicker than expected.

Euthanasia, no explanation needed.

We decided on steroids. According to the vet, there was a 50/50 chance it would work. If the cause of the blood cells killing off each other was for or against steroids, we'd know soon enough. Still shocked I tried to understand it all. I'm so grateful Alex was on the line and knows this stuff through experience and study.

The idea of taking Mijo an hour's drive north to the specialist, to a cubicle, a place where we may not be with him 24/7, on the off chance that he wouldn't make it and die alone, we couldn't fathom that.

Mijo took the steroid injection like a champ, he always did injections well. He was given some antibiotics to also help. The vet said, that by Saturday we'll know if it was the right decision. We'd know if he would be getting better...

It was decided that on Monday 24th we'd go back in for a blood test to actually see if the steroids were working (cause apparently one can't really tell with Mijo's behavior, the cheeky monkey).

Mijo and I came home, and well, he ate, he was purring, sitting on my lap. The usual deal. When I went out to get the washing in, he tried to go out too, something we, as parents, have been very protective about. He doesn't go out alone, he doesn't go out without a lead or a bell. He's not an easy cat to find if he runs off, not that he has ever tried. He deaf, he can't hear cars or other dangers out there.

I promised him I'd take him out to that side of the house/garden that afternoon...

So we did, we went out, we sat down, he explored. He was well, good, better, best. He was my boy. He trusted me, I trusted him. I'm always amazed how well he walks by my side, like a dog, with loose leash... Taking my steps as cues when to walk, and when to stop.

We also met the neighbor's dog, which was a first, both were not really interested in each other... But still, Mijo knew there's a lot to live for...

Overnight he went great... Woke up with him on my chest relaxing waiting for me to get up and feed him, luckily I have a wife who had to get up for work at that moment. I remember she sang him a lullaby and held him like a baby. It was really sweet to see how much love they had for each other. Rock-a-bye Mijo...

We wanted to him feel as much love as we could. We felt that, if the steroids and antibiotics were doing their part, and we did ours, there's nothing he can't beat. And he sure felt the love...

I held him while doing some singing exercises, close to my chest. It was something we hadn't done before, and he purred. He'd look up and meow every time I stopped making vibrations. He felt it, I felt it, it was a connection.

We spent a lot of time, reading, relaxing and sitting on laps. Alex and I cuddled him, told him we loved him. He was really fighting. He was eating. He was a little more playful than in recent weeks. He wanted to live. We could feel it...

He went from eating half a packet to 1.5 packets a day, plus dry food. He always wanted treats, and I was always glad to oblige.

By Saturday he was wonder cat! Kneading... Purring... Chasing toys... Eager to hang out...

We'd overcome the problem! He was getting better. There's fight, love and life left in him. He was amazing. If it hadn't been for his ringworm (which was also healing very very well) I'd say he was perfect, especially once he put on another few grams...

We had 4 awesome days, loads of energy and love. He was never alone in the house, and rarely alone in a room. We wanted him to know, to feel, that we loved him so deeply and that all we want was him in our life, for adventures and cuddles.

On Monday morning, his appetite went down... He didn't really eat much...

We all left for the day, work and school. I think we were all worried, but he'd been so good and improved so so much, that we were sure he'd be fine. We have the blood test booked for the afternoon, I'm sure he'll pep up by then. The injection could be wearing off too...

Mijo and I went in to the vet, and his test came back at 14%!!! Damn, that's 6 points!! The vet expected 3 to be a big improvement. In fact, if he had 3 or less, euthanasia may have been the only option... Happy days! He was well. He's going to live! He'll be fine.

We're not out of the woods yet, but we are in the right direction.

All that love we lavished on him, not just in the past days, but the past 4 months. The adventures, the friends he'd made (both human and animal) the smells and sights he'd seen, the vibrations he felt, it was all coming together... He was a fighter with a lot of love to give...

We were over joyed. Really, I couldn't have been happier when I got the results. I gave a “whoop” and threw my fist in the air (I've never done that before in my life!).

We changed to tablet form steroids, as they'll be better long term, keep up the antibiotics and off we go...

But we all know, that often people and animals, when they know they are dying, they give it one last shot. And that was it... We didn't realize until Wednesday, that he wasn't actually going to get better...

Mijo stopped grooming himself, he slowly ate less and less... He became more and more lethargic, he started to sit in the “bread loaf” position with his nose on the ground, as he did after the snip, resting. We thought it was the change in steroids, and as I was at school and the girls at work, we just kept thinking he'd pep up eventually.

When I left for school Wednesday morning, he was alert, but lethargic. When I came home early to check on him, he had really changed again.

His belly was a little bloated, but he had hardly eaten. He had trouble walking, it seemed like it was a mix of muscle degradation/pain and confusion. His meowing changed to a high pitch cry, similar to that of a young kitten. He also stopped eating, he wouldn't even touch any of his tasty treats. He searched for any bit of sun to stand in, but he was looking so uncomfortable, his posture had changed, half sitting, half standing. I was grateful, when I carried him to his water bowl, that he drank a lot. He also went to the toilet, I held his tail so he didn't make a mess on himself.

We spent the afternoon outside, as the sun started to set. He loved the sun, I wanted him to feel warmth... I held him, talked to him. I don't know now many times I asked him to please hold on, please fight and that I loved him. He looked more comfortable in the sun.

I did film us walking around the pool. I am forever grateful for technology, so that I could just put my phone down, touch a button and record a moment. As we walked and talked, oblivious to the camera, I recognized a change in his breathing... I may have missed it previously, but for sure, his breath was becoming more and more labored. Every 3 or 4 breaths, he just had to try harder... His eyes were changing too... But I was sure he could recognize me, the way the vibrations from my chest reached his body and the way I smell. He would react from time to time, shifting or clawing at me.

He often touched my chest with his paw. Reaching out...

Mum and I went to the vet late Wednesday afternoon, the earliest we could. I explained it must be the change of steroids. No, it wasn't. They were the same type, it was just that he wasn't able to fight anymore. We discussed the specialist, called them and made a plan to go in first thing in the morning. I arranged for a friend to come with me, and Thursday morning bright and early, we were going up to get Mijo cured. Transfusion, drugs, you name it, we were going to do it. We had to, we told him we'd make him better.

There and then, Alex and I decided to trade in our honeymoon, you know from the wedding we had 13 months ago and still haven't done the traditional thing of a week or two away somewhere. We decided the money we had aside for that, would go to Mijo's specialist costs, because without Mijo, our honeymoon, whatever and whenever we decide to do it, wouldn't be worth doing, if he wasn't around.

I made a firm plan on how to help him through the night. We would hold him in shifts... All 3 of us... If one showered, the other held him. Dinner time, we shared the responsibility, not that we ate much anyhow. We cuddled, we talked, we purred, I would blow gently on his head... He was feeling love and he was fighting...

Because he hadn't eaten all day, we decided to try feeding him with a syringe, with success. With the tablets we were putting into his stomach, I felt he needed something else down there too... With a small syringe, he took it well, lapping up a tasty liquid treat.

When it was bed time, we put pillows around the bed, incase he fell, because he was very wobbly on his feet. He would cry out at random times, possibly from pain, but I think more from confusion. He sometimes wanted to get away from us, as we know, pets know when it's time and usually disappear, isolate.

We barely slept. I managed about 3 hours... But it was tough.. He wouldn't stay still, and eventually we put him in his little bed, near our bed... Of course he didn't stay there long.

At 4am I heard him crying... I found him under the bed... Alex woke up too... His breathing had changed a lot... Every breath was labored. He wasn't getting enough oxygen.

I laid on my back, and Mijo laid on my chest. This was how it often was, especially when I was reading... We did that until around 7am... Alex taking turns, holding him, talking to him, loving him. Mijo could barely hold himself up, he just laid in our arms... Breathing... His eyes began to glaze over...

We discussed our options, we felt the specialist was now a long shot. We didn't think he'd make the drive, he was near the end. Our little man had little fight left... And we wouldn't forgive ourselves for him dying in a foreign place. There were a lot of tears and back and forwards, including mum coming in for cuddles with the little guy at 5am...

Alex called the emergency vet, and we planned to go in at 8:30... Mijo's time had come...

When the sun comes up, if the blind is open in our bedroom, the sun shines right on through to Alex in bed, Mijo was in her arms, while she drank coffee as the sun rose.

Sometime later I took the little guy out to the pool, where we walked and talked, cuddled and loved, around and around, in the morning sun. I talked to him about all the adventures we had, riding bikes, visiting people, the beach and the river. I spent most of that hour, holding him, looking to his eyes... He gazed up, I just hope he knew it was me. I just knew he felt the vibrations of my words.

We both told him, it was OK to let go now. We were ready. But he kept on fighting for each breath... I think he was just like his Dad, always hopeful..

He last moments at home, where in the chair I'm sat in now. It gets the best light, first thing, even though it's inside the “catio”. Alex had sat down while I was walking outside, I seem to do better when I walk, and I brought him in for cuddles with her in the sun... He was bathed in sunshine, in Alex's arms... It was beautiful...

Actually getting in the car and going to the vet, was tough, but it really hit me when I walked in. I held the little guy, and just burst into middle-aged-man tears and sobbing... If you were there, you'd know I was my mother's son, cause she was sobbing too... I couldn't look anyone in the eye... I didn't understand what was going on, or about to go on...

I think I was in another place...

We went into a consult room, and I just laid the little guy down, not thinking of using the blanket we had... The vet explained the procedure and took him away for his catheter and first injection, some anesthetic? I don't know, but apparently it was the right thing, it helped with his pain.

I couldn't even look Alex or Mum in the eye... I just cried...

I still had hope...

When they came back, Mijo was wrapped in a soft blanket, what a great idea...!! He was quieter, more peaceful... The vet left to give us a moment...

He was still breathing, still fighting... I put my ear to his face, and heard him...

I kept making sure his eye lids closed from time to time. I remember back when Catalina, my little girl in Germany, needed to be anesthetized for a check up. The vet put some put liquid drops in her eyes and made her blink, so her eyes didn't dry out... So for Mijo, I did that every once in a while... I didn't want his eyes to dry up... I wanted him to be able to see me, because laying on that table, he couldn't hear me.

I begged Alex not to bring the vet back in for the final injection... I think I may have screamed something at her... I don't know... I wasn't me... I was trying to hold him in my arms, without moving him... I was trying to give him another chance...

I bawled...

I don't know if I have ever cried like that before... I thought I'd be all cried out... I thought all my tears had already left the building the previous hours and days... But there was more... a lot more... and more to come...

I know that Alex and I held hands over his body... I felt the love... I felt his warmth... his breathing... I know I cried tears onto him, there were tear drops on his lips...

I looked him in the eye as much as I could, but mostly, I cried...

I felt the liquid go into him, I felt it go around my hand into him...

I don't know much about what happened after that... I know I didn't want to leave him, I had promised him I would never do it. I regret not holding him once more... I know that at that moment, I felt the life drain out of me... I felt hope die...

I walked out, not knowing what to do, and flopped down on the grass outside... I never sit on grass, but Mijo liked it...

I managed to drive home...

That was yesterday...

Since then I've tried to rest, tried to come to grips with what has happened, tried to connect with a few friends, I've tried... I'm still trying...

This morning I got up wanting to do some sport, washing, then study and take on the day with confidence... It's a new day, I should take that opportunity to get back into my routine... It took all of 1 minute, from bed to bathroom, to be bawling... Except for the time I manage to calm down enough to type this blog, I've been crying... It's now 10am... I was awake at 6:15...

We are running out of tissues..

I felt so bad this morning, I wanted to plead with Alex not to go to work, because I just can't today. I just can't. We have discussed how she copes in these situations, and I know that's how she copes, by going to work, so I kept my trap shut. I just want her to hug me all day, so I can feel her warmth.

I cried so much on the drive to drop mum off at work this morning, she started crying too, and contemplated not going to work... She wanted to be there for me, but I told her, honestly, I don't think I'd be much company today.

I don't know the grieving process, we haven't learnt that in counseling school yet, but I do know, I'm feeling very lost... I feel very numb...

I can't explain it, and maybe that's why folks can never really explain how they feel after someone close to them, or their pet, has passed. We are just lost.

I also feel that I am grieving for my other losses in my life. It's a bit like, it's a culmination of all the others before him, plus him on top, making me feel pain like I have never experienced before.

Grief is just love, with no place to go... Alex and I talked about that quote last night. I used this quote to help me through leaving my 4 pets in Germany, I know I have to find a new place for my love, but for now, I just can't.

I know I couldn't have gotten through this without the support of my Mum and Alex...

While Mum cries at the drop of a hat, she is solid and thoughtful and loving. Alex is strong and experienced in these matters. She knew what to say, and when, even if I did yell back… Both have a lot of time and patience for me.

I know Alex and Mum feel bad, maybe even guilty, for choosing him. Mijo was a present, to give me joy and love and comfort. And he sure did, in multitudes, to all of us. I would never have gotten a cat back then, I didn't feel Alex or I were ready, we were still working through our issues with our pets in Germany.

Alex and I decided that we want Mijo home with us. He was only on this earth for 6.5 months, we expected him to be with us for 10+ years. Taken too early. Once he's cremated we'll have him in a little urn. He was so small, but if there's a little left over, we will either plant a tree with his ashes or sprinkle him down by the river, the first place he went to that was close to water.

The past day or so, I have shared what happened with some friends, classmates and family, and everyone has been so thoughtful and caring. Thank you, it's really helped to know you're all out there, thinking of the little guy. He would have loved to meet you all.

He was perfection. If someone else had gotten him, realized he was deaf, they may not have given him the adventures and life he had. Mum considers him a rescue cat...

So here I am, in the chair, his last chair in his last moments at home.

I can still smell him on my shirt. When I walk around the house, dazed, I sniff my shirt. He had a wonderful smell. The smell of love and adventure. I hope that smell lasts a life time.

I miss his warmth, his meow, which was damn loud!! I miss, that sometimes he'd get lost around the house... Or he'd lose me, around the house. He was gentle, and only bit me once, by accident, piercing my thumb a little. I miss the fact he had 1 tooth growing forward, directly out, making him a tri-toothed kitten with a protruding top lip! He took on the world without fear. I've never experienced anything like it in a cat. My girl Catalina did sit on my shoulder as I walked down the street in Germany, but Mijo, he let me go skateboarding with him, played guitar with me (he'd chew the strings) and one time, I even vacuumed his tail.

All trust. No fear.

Back when he lost all his hair around his neck and stomach after his snip operation, we were pretty concerned. Funnily enough, it grew back pretty quickly, but it grew back white, not grey. He had a ring around his neck and kind of marks on his back wrapping around to his belly. Alex googled it, and actually found out, cats can often have their hair grow back white after trauma or experiencing extremes of temperature if their hair was cut short or fell out.

About a month ago, I sent my dearest of friends, Sandra, a photo of his regrowth, and she commented looks like “little angel wings”...

Fly on little wing, fly on...

RIP Mijo Angus

12-11-2020 – 27-05-2021

Thanks for reading,

Josh

[rohad93]

Moonlit Masquerade: Sandcastles pt 2

i hate editing super long documents so this is gonna be in a few parts.

~

Amity isn't having the best week.

Sunday felt like it lasted forever, stuffed into an itchy, uncomfortable dress that her mother had picked for her to wear to her party where she had to spend several hours with a fake smile plastered on her face, till her cheeks hurt, playing her part along with the twins.

She's pressured into a few dances with the children of their parents' coworkers and it hits her that the same songs, that feel so short when she dances with Luz, can feel so agonizingly long with their clammy hands on hers and their much too stiff grip on her waist.

Songs aren’t nearly long enough when her girlfriend holds her and spins her around. It makes her feel light and she doesn't think she could possibly dance better then she does with Luz.

She feels slow and jerky dancing with the other children of her parents’ blueblood, society friends.

They smile in a way they think must be charming and dashing, but Amity knows better. Most of them are just as scheming and devious as their parents or just as uninterested in all of this as she is.

She was looking forward to Monday if for no other reason than to get out of her house and see Luz, which she did, just not as much as usual.

She had to go home straight after school to help Eda, which did happen sometimes.

She at least had Tuesday to look forward to, but the next day as she was arriving at school her scroll beeped with a message from Luz, saying she wasn’t going to be at school today, which yeah, was pretty disappointing. Tuesday had become her favorite day of the school week, even if her ability to take notes and pay attention to the teacher did slip quite noticeably on that particular day of the week.

Wednesday comes and Luz does come to school, with a bandage on her forehead, claiming she fell on the stairs, which is on par for her, but it’s quickly forgotten, along with Monday and Tuesday when she yanks Amity into a concealed corner to kiss her while their friends play watch.  

Lunch is normal enough, even though she tells her that she has to go straight home again after school, she at least got to see her today so she’ll make do.

On Thursday Luz arrives late, so they miss each other, and is then curiously absent from lunch, though she sends her a message saying they finally can spend some time together after school, but Luz seems distracted when she arrives.

They’re lounging around their secret room, reading and normally Luz is much more animated when they read Azura, but today she seems lost in thought.

“Are you okay?” Amity finally asks from her place reclined against her girlfriend’s chest.

They’ve been sitting on the floor, Luz’s back against the cushions with Amity sitting between her legs, back against her chest while she holds the third Azura book they’ve been rereading in her hands.

Luz has been strangely quiet, running her index finger over the tip of one of Amity’s pointed ears distractedly. She’s become quite used to being in intimate proximity to Luz but her face is still pink regardless, though faint. She’s beginning to get a little worried. Luz is hardly this quiet for this long, it’s a little unnerving.

“Hmm?” Luz hums questioningly and Amity knows she hasn’t been listening to anything she’s been reading either. “Sorry, what?” Luz glances down at her and mercifully the finger running over her ear stops as well.

Amity tilts her head back to look at her.

“I asked if you were okay,” she repeats the question.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine, why?” she cocks her head.

“You’ve just been quiet today and you've been really busy and I...,” she trails off not sure how to say ‘You’ve been busy and I miss you’ without coming off as clingy or needy, because really, it's just been a few days; but the limited time they have together before or after school and on Tuesdays is special to her, and she finds herself not at all liking the sudden deprivation from it.

She doesn’t have to say it though. Luz’s confused face slowly turns into a grin as she looks down at her.

“Have you been lonely without me, Amity?” She asks in a syrupy sweet and knowing voice that makes Amity turn red and scowl at the same time.

Amity just huffs, turning away and Luz grins at the back of her head and wraps her arms around her, squeezing her close and pressing a kiss to her the back of her head.

“Lo siento, mi amor. Eda has just been working on a big project and has been needing my help."

Amity relaxes into her hold, mock annoyance, and any real annoyance or loneliness she’s been feeling at Luz’s sudden absence this week, fading as she holds her tightly. She has to remind herself that she can tell Luz anything without fear of judgment or being made fun of. It’s still a strange thing to her.

“I understand I just…” her face remains pink as she mumbles something under her breath.

“What was that?” Luz blinks and whatever she said is repeated at the same volume.

“Uh, one more time?” Luz asks and Amity makes an annoyed sound in her throat.

“I said… I miss you,” she finally says loud enough for her to hear, but the tone is soft, fragile. “I miss you when we’re not together,” she mumbles, but Luz hears her and is glad that Amity is still facing away from her so she can’t see the teary doe-eyed look she’s giving her.

“I miss you too, Amity.” She sat her chin on her shoulder and squeezed.

Amity broke into a wide grin as Luz smooshed her face against hers.

“Maybe... we could hang out this weekend? My family has a beach house on the southern side of the Isles and the twins got them to let the three of us go over for the long weekend by ourselves… would you like to go?” She glanced back and frowned upon seeing the grimace on luz’s face. “You’re busy aren’t you?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah… since they can’t use magic to carry things it’s all hands on deck for the monthly supply run Saturday.” Luz frowned, especially as she watched the way her girlfriend's face fell. Sure, she was lying for the greater good, and Amity would be so excited tomorrow when they surprised her, but that didn’t make the disappointed look on her face any easier to see right now.

“I’m sorry…,” Luz started but Amity shook her head.

“It’s okay…  I understand,” she assured with a small smile, but Luz knows better, she's gotten good at reading Amity's face and the tone of her voice; she's disappointed.

“When Eda's project is done we'll spend a whole weekend together, I promise, mi amor." She squeezes Amity close and smiles knowingly into her hair.

"Soon, I hope," Amity sighs, leaning into her hold, deciding to just enjoy the time they have now

'much sooner than you think' Luz thinks to herself.

When their time together is done for the day Luz hurries home through the portal and runs straight to her room to get her stuff ready.

Gus and Willow will be there before noon tomorrow so they can take her portal glyph to the beach house. She's been practicing with it and the size of the glyph doesn't seem to matter. It just needs to be big enough to walk through, and she can be anywhere on the Isles near instantly.

Out of curiosity she tried one and thought of the human world, but it went nowhere.

Much as she hates to think it, she can't find it in herself to be disappointed. No one can say she didn't try though.

Her bag is packed and ready by the door, along with the box of decorations the twins had given her at lunchtime today. Since she, Willow, and Gus will get there first, they're on decoration duty.

Next to it are two cardboard boxes of her surprise for Amity and she grins to herself at the thought.

Amity hadn't expressly forbidden her from buying her presents but she didn't like Luz buying her stuff when they went out by themselves or with their friends.

She told her she felt bad when Luz spent her limited funds on her.

So Luz had come up with a rather ingenious gift if she does say so herself. Something they don't have on the Boiling Isles.

She couldn't believe her luck when she'd been digging through one of Eda's human junk piles in one of the spare rooms.

Two large boxes full of the stuff.

She ran to Eda asking if she could have them and Eda waves a hand.

"Whatever you want in there, take it, Kid."

She couldn't wait to see the look on Amity's face. Everyone else's too.

It takes her a while to go to sleep that night, she's so excited she tosses and turns a while and King gets fed up with her and stalks off to Eda's room, mumbling under his breath.

She wakes up before dawn the next day and jumps out of bed and dresses before quickly running down the stairs.

Lilith is sitting at the table having her customary cup of morning tea when Luz skids into the kitchen. The elder Clawthorne smiles at her, though far more subdued then the manic one on the human's face.

"Let's get baking!" Luz throws up her hands and Lilith chuckles.

"Very well."

A few hours later the sun has risen and Eda and King have finally come downstairs, groggy and eyes barely open just as Luz is boxing up the cake.

"All done?" Eda mumbles as she pours herself some apple blood.

"Yup, just waiting on Gus and Willow!" She grins setting the cake box down the table and swats at King's hand as he reaches for it.

"No, King, that's for Amity's party," she scolds and the tiny demon grumbles, glaring up at her.

"Everything you do is for that cupcake smasher!" he squeals with rage at being denied.

"I do not!" Luz argues.

"Yes, you do!" King stands in the chair, pointing a tiny clawed hand at her.

"Well…!" Luz pauses not sure what to say to that. Maybe she does do a lot for Amity, but Amity does just as much for her, so she fails to see how that's a bad thing.

Eda is watching her and grins.

Luz of course talked her ear off about their date under the grom tree last month, including her impromptu confession of love.

She'd just been nodding along, half-listening, flipping through a book as Luz waxed poetic about how 'amazing' and 'romantic' it was until the words: "Then I accidentally said I loved her out loud…"

That made her sit up and pay attention.

Luz had a tendency to get carried away and she was suddenly worried she'd… how did the kid put it? 'jumped the gun?'

She listened much closer to the rest of the story.

"Did you mean it?" Eda asked her when she finishes.

"Huh?" Luz looked up at her.

"Do you love her?" the older witch clarified.

"Oh…" Luz looked away, smiling dopily to herself. "Yeah… I did mean it. I do love her." She nodded.

"How do you know?" Eda pressed and Luz looked at her confused and Eda frowned, trying to think of a way to word it that wouldn't burst Luz's bubble if she was wrong. She just wants to protect her kid.

"Look, Luz, I know you like her a lot, believe me, and I'm not trying to say you couldn't love her, but you are still young and you do tend to get ahead of yourself…, so I'm just asking, how do you know you love her?" she words carefully. This is new territory for Eda.

'The talk' she can give, she's plenty familiar with that, but love? That's never been her strong suit, and she has a long trail of broken relationships behind her to prove it.

Luz pursed her lips, trying to think of a way to explain it to her mentor, whose right of course. She knows she's still young and stuff, she's famous for leaping before she looks, but Luz also knows her feelings. She's spent enough time alone with only her feelings to know how to read them, she's had crushes, but she's never felt anything like this before.

"Being with Amity… makes me happier than I've ever been…, then I thought I could be…," she starts slowly. "And I want to make her happy too… and I'd do anything to do that." She looks up at Eda, who's staring back at her with an unreadable expression.

"Alright," she finally says.

"Alright?" Luz repeats, blinking. Eda nods.

"If you say you love her, I believe you."

Luz smiles at her.

"And if she breaks your heart, we'll feed her to Hooty…" she grins wickedly making Luz squawk.

"Eda!"

"Well…" Luz hesitates, trying to figure out what to say.

"You love her, that’s how it goes," Eda says with a shrug, drawing everyone's gaze.

""Edalyn, they've only been together-" whatever else Lilith is going to say it's cut off by Luz who grins.

"Yeah," she says with a grin. "And Amity loves me, so we do things to make each other happy,” she tells the demon looking up at her grumpily. “I love you too though." She bends down and kisses the top of King's head and he makes a little squealing sound. "But this is for Amity, I'll make a cake for you next weekend," she promises, and then there's a knock on the door. "Gus and Willow are here!" She sprints out of the room leaving a grinning Eda, a stunned Lilith, and a happily squeaking King in her wake.

Lilith looks to her sister who is grinning behind her cup, looking where Luz has disappeared into the living room, where she and her friends' voices are coming from.

"You knew about this?" she asks.

"Mhmm," is her sister's answer.

"And you didn't talk to her?" Lilith cocks a brow as Eda's eyes slide to look at her.

"I did," she says, then takes a loud slurp from her cup.

"And?"

"And she loves her." Eda shrugs. "What do you want from me?"

"Edalyn, she's fourteen, how could she possibly know that?" Lilith sighs, rubbing her temples. Eda leans back in her chair, holding up her cup and giving her sister a deadpan look.

"And how can we know she isn't?" she retorts.

"They… they…!" Lilith holds up her hands, trying to decide what to say.

"Look, the kid and I talked. She says she's in love and I believe it. I honestly think Luz would put her life on the line for that girl, and I don't think I'm wrong when I say the same thing for Amity, heck, I watched her jump in front of Luz to protect her from Grom, and that was before they were dating!" Eda threw up a hand.

Lilith looks toward the living room where they can hear the kids talking.

"I suppose time will tell…," she hums.

Eda just grunts in response, much to her sister's annoyance.

"Perhaps you really should give her… a talk…," Lilith says after a moment and Eda snorts into her cup, laughing.

"Already covered, in great, embarrassing detail," she says proudly.

"No doubt." Lilith rolls her eyes and her sister only grins.

Luz dashes back into the kitchen and carefully picks up the box containing the cake.

"We're heading out," she says. Eda stands and walks over.

"Have fun, kid." She ruffles Luz's hair, making her grin.

"Ah, Luz, before you go, I have something for you to take." Lilith pulls a small dark blue wrapped gift from her pocket and sets it gently atop The cake box. "Something for Amity I would like her to have… only if she wants it…," she explains.

Luz looks at the small gift before looking up at Lilith and nodding with a smile.

With that, she turns and walks quickly but carefully out of the kitchen.

A few minutes later a portal blazed to life in front of the owl house and then all the kids are gone.

"What'cha give the kid?" Eda asks curiously, glancing at Lilith out of the corner of her eye.

"Something I hope she finds useful…"

"I hate it when you're cryptic…" Eda grumbles and Lilith smirks.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

summertime sadness .6.

overtime

Sequel to kiss me in the d-a-r-k

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 (masterlist under construction)

Warnings: dub con sex (oral, masturbation)

This is dark!(dad)Steve and dark(professor!)Bucky explicit. 18+ only. I know they aren’t super dark, but like questionable so I’m keeping those tags just to be safe.

Summary: Your new duties start to mount.

Note: Thanks once again for all the support on this series :) We’re going to go well over six parts if that isn’t obvious. Estimate is 10 but no promises. Things are heating up though and I can’t wait to continue. That being said, I got some rl work to do so might be a delay in parts. Thank you!💋

<3 Let me know what you think in a reblog, reply, or like. I’m loving the feedback from y'all and the enthusiasm! Also as always, memes accepted.

💋💋💋

You watched glumly as the desks emptied out one by one. Stacey was always one of the last to go. She gave a cheery farewell as she grabbed her bubblegum pink purse and headed out the door. You waved at her and swallowed down your fear. Those still at their desks took her departure as a cue. They left soon after.

The office was eerie without the sound of keyboards and hushed chatter, the odd giggle or buzz of a phone. You sensed the change behind you and swiveled back to the face the ominous doorway. He was there. It was as if he knew. You were all alone know. No buffer, no witnesses.

“You almost caught up, darling?” He crossed his arms.

“I… Yeah.” You answered weakly. You knew he didn’t care about your work.

“Good,” He stood straight and stepped outside his office. “Why don’t you come here and we can go over your… work?”

You nodded and pushed yourself to your feet. Your legs felt like jello. You could still feel his hand on your thigh, on your pussy. It never quite went away but it wasn’t like Steve or Bucky. It was a touch that left you worn out and repulsed. You stepped around your desk and he turned his palm out.

“Ah,” He pointed to the floor. “Crawl to me, darling.”

Your heart dropped and you looked down at your feet. You unsteadily lowered yourself to your knees and pulled your skirt from under your knees. You bent forward and planted your hands on the floor. You took a deep breath and lifted your head. He watched you with his usual boastful smirk.

What were you doing? You cringed as you started across the floor. You were on all floors like a baby; an animal. And for what? Because you were stupid enough to fuck your professor. You imagined how he’d laughed if he found out you were also messing with your best friend’s father. Oh, he’d surely get a kick out of that.

As you neared him, he hummed in approval. He stepped around you and bent to slap your ass. “Go on,” He urged.

You crawled into his office and he followed. As you stopped inside, he closed the door with his foot. You were shocked as he tugged your skirt up and exposed your ass. You sat back as you tried to hide your bare flesh. He laughed and rounded you. He squatted and looked you in the eye as you sat back on your heels.

“I want you to tell me what you did that day.” He said.

“What do you--”

“After the bookshop. I know you fucked him.” He reached out and touched your cheek before he stood. “Stay like that and tell me how.”

“I-I can’t--” You stuttered.

“Start with where.” He sat in his chair and it squeaked as he leaned back.

“Uh, we went to my apartment and--” You looked down as your eyes burned. “I don’t know.”

“Sure you do. Tell me.” His zipper softly descended in as he spoke. “Were you on top?”

“I-- It was against my desk. I was sitting on it,” You said quietly. “I had my legs around him as he...entered me and I hugged him to me. It was fast. Hard.”

“Mmhmm,” He purred. “And… did you cum?”

“Yes.” You answered softly.

“Were you loud?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“And that was the only time that night?”

“No. About an hour later, we fucked on the bed.” You confessed. 

“How?” He groaned.

“From behind. He likes it like that.” You sucked in your breath as your head swam. “Please…”

“Come here.” He said. “Stay down there.”

You dropped back onto your hands and crawled around his desk. He was stroking himself as you approached. You stopped and stared up at him. You tried not to see his hand moving up and down at the bottom of your vision.

“Get undressed.” He ordered. 

You shivered and pushed your blazer back on your shoulders. You tossed it aside and pulled your blouse over your head. Then you unzipped your skirt and kicked off your wedged shoes. Your hands were clumsy as you unhooked your bra and you couldn’t look at anything but the floor.

“I can’t blame him,” He said. “You’ve got that innocent school girl thing going on. But you’re not so innocent, are you?”

“No,” You forced out.

“I want you to use your mouth, my dear.” He rasped. 

You sniffed and nodded as you gathered your wits. You lifted your head and got up on your knees. You neared him as he spread his legs and you touched his thighs. His cock was pale and long. Not as thick as Steve or Bucky but nothing close to small. He withdrew his hand and you replaced it with yours.

“I said your mouth,” He warned. “Hands…” He grabbed your hands and put them palm down on his thighs. “Down.”

You pressed your hands down to assure him of your obedience. He grabbed his dick and angled it towards your mouth. You parted your lips and slipped them over his tip. He moaned as you pushed your tongue along his flesh. You took as much as you could and more. You struggled not to gag as you forced him down your throat.

“You are gifted indeed,” He snarled. “Fuck.”

His hands held your head as he began to guide you up and down. The sloppy sounds of your sucking bounced off the walls and filled your ears. He shuddered as he urged you faster. You choked and he pulled you off him all at once.

“Closer.” He grabbed your shoulder and rolled his chair forward. He took your hands and pushed them to your tits. “Like that.”

You held your tits together and he pushed his cock between them. His tip poked out above your cleavage as he slid to the edge of his chair. He rocked the chair as he fucked your tits and your stomach churned.

“Lick it.” He ordered.

As his tip came up, you bent your head and stuck out your tongue to flick across it. He inhaled sharply and continued on, each time you did so, he delighted in it. He gave you no warning before he came. His cum shot up across your face as he gripped your shoulders. It dripped down your nose and lips and along your chin. When he finished, he released you and sat back on his chair.

“Whew,” He breathed as he looked at you. “Clean yourself up, darling.”

You stood and reached for the box of kleenex on his desk. He caught your wrist and pulled you back. “No, not like that. Like you did at lunch.”

You scowled as he let you go. You slowly wiped his cum away from your nose and lips and shoved it in your mouth. You almost wretched as you licked up the salty, sticky mess. Then you scooped up that along your chin and forced yourself to swallow. He watched and his own tongue poked out between his teeth.

“My dear, you do impress me,” He said. “Go on. Get dressed. Go home.” He made no move to put his cock away, instead carelessly playing with it as it grew flaccid. “Rest up for tomorrow.”

💋

Tuesday and Wednesday ended much the same. You hid at your desk until the office emptied out and then Loki called you to his office. He stood in his doorway until you crossed to him; the usual taunting words. And you left with the taste of his cum in your mouth and the stickiness across your chest. The stain had seeped into your soul.

Thursday was different. Something had changed. Something was amiss. You saw Loki twice; at the morning meeting and again after lunch as he stormed out of his office. He strode out with his briefcase in one hand and his phone to his ear. His voice was angry as he passed you. You caught only a snippet of his ire as his eyes flicked briefly to meet your curious gaze.

“No, no. I’m leaving work now-- Thor. This is the last time.” He sighed as he swept past and you watched him go.

For the rest of the day, you were as distracted by absence you had been his presence. There were titters around the office of what had riled him so. It was well known the editor had a rocky relationship with his brother, Thor. Their father was a CEO in London and had raised two sons with ambitions as great as his own; though it was barely a secret that he preferred one over the other.

As the hour rolled around, you hesitated to pack up. Surely if he meant to return, he would’ve by now. You shut down your computer and slid your notebook into your bag. Your phone vibrated on your desk before you could grab it and you flipped it over. A message from a private number.

‘Zelda’s, 7pm. Wear a dress. No panties.’

It wasn’t hard to guess its source. Your stomach sank and you touched your hot neck. He wanted to meet you outside work. Whatever had kept him so long, certainly couldn’t have improved his mood either. You typed up your confirmation and your phone buzzed again. Another text from Steve. You dropped it in your bag and rolled your chair against your desk.

You stared at your closet for an hour before you found the strength to change. After a Google search, you felt entirely unprepared for the upscale bar. More so for the man who waited for you there. You chose the black dress you’d bought for a night out with Kylie. Tight but not revealing. It was the only piece you had that wasn’t too girlish for the venue. 

Your uber was quick. You cursed the unusual expediency of New York traffic. You stepped out and stared up at the tall tinted windows of Zelda’s. You suspected a single cocktail would be worth at least a couple hours’ work. You fixed your purse on your shoulder and entered.

You spotted Loki along the bar. His green eyes were quick to find you. The din stifled the ringing in your ears as you crossed to him. He patted the stool next to his and waited for you to climb up.

“Hmm,” His fingers walked along your knee. “You haven’t anything shorter?”

You shook your head as he gestured to the bartender. He pushed his glass across the bar and glanced at you. “She’ll have a class of blanc,” He said coolly, “Top shelf.”

Your drinks appeared quickly and you frowned as he slid the wine glass over to you. “I’m still underage.” You whispered.

“I suspect that’s not stopped you before, darling,” He smirked. “Trust me, the wine is much preferable than any of that swill you chug at those frat house keggers.”

You took the glass and sipped. He watched, his green eyes swirled with menace. His jaw ticked, a remnant of his anger lingered in his posture.

“I did regret having to leave so early today but… I would not let such an inconvenience ruin my plans.” He rested his hand on your knee, just below your skirt. “Our plans.”

You nearly choked and made to set down your glass. He pressed his palm to the bottom of the stem and stopped you. You froze and blinked at him as he shoved your skirt up just an inch.

“I suggest you finish that,” He said. “And another might be in order. My dear, you look ready to faint.”

You inhaled sharply and drained the glass. This time he let you set it on the bar and he motioned for a refill. The bartender was just as diligent. Loki’s hand slipped but only to drag yours up to your knee. He squeezed your hand beneath his and leaned in. 

“It’s your turn.” He breathed. “I had my fun in that little bistro.” He pushed your hand down between your legs and your skirt rode up higher. “We’re not leaving until you cum.”

“I can’t--”

“Don’t make a fuss and no one will even know,” He purred as he leaned in. “People come here to drink. To forget. Not to worry about others.”

You sat straight, stunned. Your hand shook between your legs as he drew away. He leaned one arm on the bar and took a drink of the dark liquor on ice. The clink sent a shiver down your spine and you braced yourself as you slowly moved your fingers along your thigh. As he requested, rather ordered, you’d left your panties at home.

You brushed along your cunt and stopped. Your eyes widened and he tilted his head as he stared at your lap, your skirt bunched around your wrist. He took your wine glass and offered it. You took it with your free hand and gulped until it was half gone. He replaced it on the bar and nodded.

“Mr. Laufeyson…” You pleaded.

“Sir,” He corrected.

“Please… sir.”

“The sooner you start, the sooner you… finish.” He said. “You’re already wet, aren’t you?”

You winced. He knew that your core started burning the moment he’d touched you. That even though you didn’t want it, he riled you. That though you resisted, your body surrendered.

You took another deep breath and pushed your fingers between your folds. You circled your clit until that familiar tickle began to mount. You bit your lip and pressed firmly against your bud. Your hand moved without thought. Every flick, every swirl was instinctual. 

Your mind hazed as the voices and strangers around you formed a fog. The man who sat before you changed to. For a second, a single second, his hair lightened to gold and his eyes flowed blue like the sea. And then he darkened, a thick brown beard and square jaw. 

But as you came, your vision cleared and it was Loki again. Victorious. Boastful. Your body twitched as you sucked in your lip and swallowed back the moan. You lowered your head and your hand slipped down your leg. He snickered.

He reached for your hand and lifted it so that your fingers glistened in the low light of the bar. He brought them to his lips and sucked on them. You whimpered and he set your hand down in your lap.

“Finish your wine, darling,” He purred. “Our night has just begun.”

[stonecoldjerseyfox]

Jersey on my mind (part 37)

“Although I’ve been away so many lonely nights, you know I’m back today…”

While John Martyn sang out the first line, Mila exhaled at the two first, soft chords on the scrapy cassette tape; C, G, and inhaled at the two following; A and F.

“We’re home, malysh.” Mila said faintly, like a loud whisper, as she turned on the usually busy, well trafficked Broad Street onto Rumson, after miraculously making the 1000 mile drive from Missouri back to New Jersey all safe and sound.

Outside the car window the darkness laid thick. Was it a Thursday or a Wednesday? The last few days she had had a harder time remembering the days. They kind of floated together more and more and remembering dates felt unprofitable. It was night, that much she knew at least. 

It had been raining just hours prior to their arrival and the puddles resembled deep dark oceans in the thick darkness, only enlightened by the car lights. Much had changed since they left Jersey a couple of months earlier. Broad Street resembled a graveyard, quiet and spookily empty. Broad was never entirely quiet or empty, just more or less trafficked and more or less scattered with people, depending on the time of the day. It was a main road, with a homey feeling to it. A mix of businesses and homes in neat rows. The houses were well maintained, the lawns cut and the constant aromatic atmosphere, thick as a blanket, consisting of a variety of different sorts of food and exhaust fumes almost stunned the mind; rocking the residents in a warm feeling of security in the Red Banks and Little Silver area. But the safe, homely blanket had disappeared and Broad lied all empty and ghostly. 

“-You know without you honey, all I do is worth nothing. And girlie, don't cry for me-” John Martyn sang on. 

“We’re home.” Mila repeated faintly, while steering the car between the debris, having a hard time wrapping her head around the fact that this was Little Silver. That they actually had made it back. It felt surreal. 

A tipped over shopping cart rested in the middle of the wet road, filled with what looked like stacks of magazines, or what once was. Now they lay scattered around the street and sidewalk, crinkled up like papier mache from the rain, having dried up in the breeze into nodular shapes. The drugstore window was shattered, raided, as was the grocery store. Everything felt like being in a movie set for Dawn of the Dead. Mila swallowed as she scanned the otherwise very familiar, cozy area for movements, from both living and dead creatures. They had been lucky ever since they left Missouri, hadn’t crossed paths with anyone. If they’d seen people, they’d kept out of sight, watching them from afar. 

Juri gestured at her in the rear view mirror, letting her know that he too had a hard time recognizing the neighborhood.

“I know, malysh.” Mila replied as John Martyn continued to sing: 

“Although there might be other people in my life. Honey, on my mind, you will always find there's only you-” 

As she slowly cruised further down Rumson Place, Mila felt how the tight belt of anxiety eased around her chest a little. It wasn’t all so different. The trees looked the same, the street lights were dark but otherwise it felt as usual; the street she’d learned to love, to feel safe at, to call home. That sense of safety and calm disappeared. Chaos had reached the quiet, lush Jersey suburb as well. This part of Little Silver also lied dead quiet, ghostly and abandoned; cars were left in the street with their doors open, empty driveways and boards over the windows at some of the houses. The usually well cut lawns were left uncut and the bushes looked ravaged and bewildered. Juri twisted and turned in his car seat to look out of the window, looking mildly shocked. Mila couldn’t get her mind around it either. It felt bad, wrong. Where was everybody? Hiding inside their houses? Or had they fled the field? And in that case, where had they gone? 

“Don’t worry.” Mila said automatically, but felt how wrong the words tasted on her tongue. All she could feel was worry, as soon as she saw the Galka house. They were finally home and it didn’t feel at all like she’d imagined it. “We’re here.”

When she parked on the driveway to the two storey house she’d called home for the past years, Mila shut off the car, killing the sound of “Back to stay” mid sentence. She threw herself out of the passenger seat, grabbed Juri from the backseat and ran onto the porch. She pulled the handle on the door, decorated with a wreath of oak leafs, acorns and a ribbon. Locked.

“What the-” Mila started banging on the wood, but there was no answer. ”Joe?” she cried, hesitated to do so because of the risk of attracting attention. ”El?”

Still no answer. No lights going on inside or any sign of life. With Juri locked on her hip she ran to the kitchen door, only to find it locked as well. 

”Billy? Adam?” She called out. 

Juri tugged at her jacket, signing questioningly ‘where are they?’

“I don’t know, Malysh.”

Mila ran back to the car and managed to get the keys out of her old, trustworthy handbag with shivering fingers. Still with Juri on her hip, she ran back up on the front door porch, fiddled with the keychain before finding the right key and unlocked the door. 

“Hello?”

She received no answer. Ellie Galka didn’t come out of the kitchen and greeted her with a hug and Joe didn’t wave at her from the living room couch. No Adam or Billy who ran down the stairs to smolder her with bearhugs. Mila and Juri seemed to be the only ones there. The blinds were pulled down and the shutters closed. She put Juri down on the floor and walked through all the rooms on the ground level, only to find them empty. Then she ran upstairs, checked Billy’s and Adam’s room, only to find them dark and empty as well. Panic arose up her throat as Mila ended up in the master bedroom. There she haltered with a pounding heart. The drawer was extracted, the wardrobe was wide open and the framed picture on El’s nightstand, picturing ‘her three kids’ was gone. Mila couldn’t take it anymore, her legs folded under her, and she collapsed on the floor, kneeling in front of the bed. They had left. She was alone, again. Plan B had failed and she didn’t have a plan C. She sat there crying uncontrollably, until Juri found her. Tightly he squeezed her neck, pressed himself against her, allowed her to cry into his hair. 

“It’s gonna be alright, Juri-” Mila sobbed between her crying breaths, understanding that she had to pull herself together. “I promise.” 

It had to be alright, but how? 

Still crying she stood up on shaky legs, lifted Juri from the floor and put him down in the big bed where they made themselves comfortable up against the pile of soft pillows. While Mila brushed her tears away with the back of her hand, Juri started fiddling with his walkman, pressed “play” and cranked up the volume. Through the leaking foam headphones the raspy sound of strings were heard, followed by a male chuckle that sent chills down Mila’s spine. Then the voice, oh god that voice, started to sing “Highwayman” in a wailing, southern-way, causing her whole body to ache. Jim made that tape just for fun; no biggie, just a messy recording of him fooling around with his guitar singing some of his favorite country songs, “I won’t back down”, “When I went down to Georgia”, “Highwayman”, “Your man” … - Right there and then it was more precious to them than anything else in the world. Mila closed her eyes and pressed Juri against her body as she could, clear as day, see Jim in front of her. Clear as if he was there in the room with them. The luscious brown hair, thick beard, the funny face he made when he sang in that southern, country way she liked so much. Juri squeezed her hand tightly and Mila opened her eyes, feeling them tearing up. 

“I miss him too, baby.” She stuttered while caressing the blond hair. “So, so much.” 

A tear ran down her cheek, then another one. Outside the window it was pitch black; Mila wondered if it had ever been that dark in Little Silver before? They lied there, curled up on the bed in the master bedroom under complete silence, only broken by the faint sound of the wind, while Jim sang them to sleep. 

Mila woke up the next morning by the room bathing in morning sunlight, making the sheer yellow curtains resemble sunbeams. Juri lied curled up next to her, snoring loudly underneath the covers. Mila remembered their whereabouts, how they got there and that they were alone in the house. Once again her stomach shrinked, but she couldn’t give up at this point. There surely was a logical explanation to why the Galka’s had left, they must’ve gone to some collecting site, somewhere safe. What if they came back? Why hadn’t they left a note? Would they come back? It was possible. They had to wait and see, defend the house from potential scavengers. 

Mila got up from the bed and ran downstairs into the kitchen, where she peered out the window through the wooden shutters. After making sure the coast was clear, she turned the locks and opened the door, snuck out, and began to unload the car in a hurry. Back inside she locked the door again, made sure no one had seen her and turned to watch the cellar door. 

Mila knew Joe kept weapons down there, in the weapon cabinet, decorated with stickers from different fishing competitions and the local football and baseball teams. It was a big cabinet that Ellie, under no circumstances, wanted to have upstairs in the house. Now Mila needed to get inside that cabinet. Joe couldn’t possibly have brought all of his guns with him when they left. 

Mila went into the living room and further into the office, where Joe kept the family’s small safe, containing important papers and documents, jewelry and the key to the gun cabinet, hidden inside a copy of “The Heart of a Woman” by Maya Angelou, taped to the inside of the binder. No wonder Joe was the family’s undefeated master of hide and seek. Inside the safe Mila found the key and went back to the kitchen. She found her copy of the key to the basement on her keychain and unlocked the door, turned the light switch and went downstairs. The basement smelled like gasoline, old, dried paint, very basement-y. A year after she moved into the Galka house, Joe renovated the laundry room next to the kitchen, moving the washer and dryer from the basement to the upper floor. Before that, during Mila’s first year with them, the smell of freshly dried sheets used to hit her in the face as soon as she opened the basement door. Well, no more. At the end of the stairs she looked around. Shelves with motor oil, red plastic gas can, an old football, Joe’s rubber boots and fishing rods... everything looked normal. At the right she saw the weapon cabinet. Big, green and frankly, ugly. Once she had managed to unlock the lock, she pushed the heavy door open. To Mila’s relief she saw that Joe hadn’t been able to bring everything from the cabinet. To her surprise, Mila also saw a weapon case she recognized. It didn’t belong to Joe or anyone of the Galka’s, but-

"I’ll be damn-” She took out the fabric case and looked at it. It felt like several years since she last saw it, then in a completely different place, on the other side of the earth. Papa’s rifle, from Russia. How was that possible? She hadn’t seen it for years. A patch was pinned to the shoulder strap. She looked at it. “Confiscated at customs, cleared by Joseph Galka at New Jersey Police Department for safe handling.” Mila read out loud. “Accompanying Sergey Volk-” she paused mid sentence. 

So it really was his rifle, she thought, without becoming the least bit wiser. He must’ve brought it with him in his luggage when they left Russia, that was the only logical explanation. What’d he planned to do with it? Mila didn’t want to think about it. He was obviously capable of doing anything, she knew that now, and as a highly regarded city official he could bring whatever the hell he wanted in his luggage without consequences it seemed like. Or at least he thought so. Mila hugged the cloth case, it felt like an old jute sack between her hands. She had used the weapon in her youth; shot cans with it in the countryside during the summers and a pigeon or two. Well, papa didn’t need it, not anymore. Mila set it aside, considering it as hers from now on and went through the other black plastic cases. Some were empty, but she found two handguns as well as ammunition and a big knife Joe used for gutting fish with. It could definitely be used for other things as well, like killing those walking dead creatures, formerly known as people. Mila returned upstairs with her findings and put it down on the kitchen table. She could hear Ellie’s distressed voice inside her head:

“No- oh, not on the table! Christ sake!”

Well, El wasn’t here now to see the mess she’d caused. Mila’s eyes swept over the table. She was armed, so now then? She began to go through the cupboards in the kitchen. They needed food, that was priority number one now that she was armed. Luckily Ellie Galka was Little Silver’s unofficial champion of grocery shopping. El always took the biggest shopping cart in the grocery store, the shopping lists were meticulously designed to make shopping smooth and she always made sure that everything that could be needed was at home in the cupboards. If one of her ‘kids’ wanted banana bread, or just mentioned it in passing, they could be sure to find a steaming fresh banana bread under a soft baking sheet an hour later without El having to go shopping before.  Everything, from bananas to flour, was always at home no matter what it seemed. Mila didn’t find any brown bananas hiding behind the flour or baking soda in the cupboards, but there were a lot of cans and dry goods stacked away. She and Juri didn’t have to starve just yet. 

From that day they settled into the Galka house in Little Silver on their own. They slept in Mila’s old bedroom, that the Galka’s had kept for when Mila, Juri and Jim came to visit, armed with both Adam’s trustworthy baseball bat and all of the weapons she had found in the house. 

Days turned into weeks. They had everything they needed, and if they needed something else or ran out of food, they slipped out of the house, out on the streets of Little Silver and Red Banks, to collect supplies. Sometimes Mila dared to leave Juri at the house and go scavenging alone, making him swear to hide if someone broke into the house. Luckily that never happened, but Mila encountered the dead creatures every time she went out the door. There were plenty of them. Neighbors suddenly turned up as walking corpses behind trash cans, cars and roamed around downtown like delusioned pigeons. It took awhile for her to not feel bad about killing them, and to understand their weaknesses and weak spots. Aim for the head and put them out of their misery quickly, was her conclusion after a while. At first it was horrible, made her think of Jim, but after a few killings she felt mentally numb. One thing was sure, she could not get her head around papa’s perverse tendencies to kill out of sheer desire. 

She tried her best to keep a routine, for Juri’s sake. Making sure his reality and routine was kept intact and nice was everything she could think off. Making sure he had everything he needed, felt safe and happy. She woke up at eight in the morning, exercised, woke Juri and they ate breakfast together. Then she dressed him, they played or went out exploring. If she went out on her own, scavenging and exploring, she did so by bicycle. She went to the library and collected books to read, to Blockbuster to get movies and the grocery stores for food. In the nights they curled up on the couch and watched movies in the living room, thanks to Joe’s ‘mega disaster generator’, operating on gasoline. 

“What if there’s a tornado, El?” Joe said when he returned home, with the big piece in the trunk one day, to Ellie’s horror, about a year prior to the apocalypse. “Think about that for a minute. This bad boy might save lives, I tell you.”

Joe, just like Mila, loved disaster movies, but unlike Mila, Joe was extremely influenced by what he saw and could, without blinking, begin to prepare for a presumed doomsday, well… half-heartedly. The generator was a much welcomed addition to the situation whatever Ellie had thought about it that day, Mila thought to herself as she put ‘Terminator 2’ on VHS into the player to watch one night, when Juri was asleep. She used to stay up late, watch another movie and get batshit drunk. Joe had a bar cabinet that was only opened when they had guests over. He rarely drank otherwise, so Mila did him a favor and made sure the booze didn’t go to waste. Her drinking soon spiraled into a ‘around the clock jagg’; she was never sober, just more or less drunk, to the point when she started to hallucinate. After a while, she began to think that Jim was with them in the house. At first it was comforting having him around, but that quickly turned. It was painful, to the point where she thought she was going crazy for real. 

“We gotta get out of here, Juri.” Mila monotonously expressed one day, mid a Clint Eastwood movie and halfway through the last bottle of Buffalo Trace from Joe Galka’s bar cabinet. “We can’t stay here.” She looked at the bottle in her hand. Fuck, she hated Buffalo Trace; had she lost all sense of taste and class? “Not like this.”

Juri, lying on his belly on the carpet surrounded by colorful drawings and chubby kids crayons, looked up at her and nodded. He was fine either way it seemed. A month, maybe two, even three or four, Mila wasn’t really sure, had passed without any sight of the Galka’s, or anyone for that matter. The streets were desolated. There wasn’t anyone around that was alive anymore. Down the street Mila had, to her horror, seen Mr and Mrs Paulson pressing up against their barricaded windows, looking like melting wax dolls with blood running down their mouths. No sight of their two kids. Mila could just guess what had happened to them. Considering their absence from the window and their parents blood stained faces, she had her suspicions. 

No, they couldn’t stay any longer, Mila thought as she lay on the couch. She was starting to get mad from being locked up inside the house. They needed to go back out on the road, leave their comfortable but isolated hideout. For what she didn’t really know. A sign? Or a miracle? She didn’t believe in signs or miracles, didn’t believe in any God either for that matter. But they couldn’t stay here hiding for all eternity. It was much better to get out of there. Maybe they would find the Galka’s while on the road. The possibility was minimal, but Mila really wanted to believe that there was a slight chance, despite it being one in a million.

One early morning, Mila shut off the generator. She packed their belongings, locked all of the doors and painted a red cross at both the front door and the kitchen door, to imply that the house was unsafe to enter, hoping it would leave it untouched. She drove the car out of the garage, having loaded it the night before. She had hid a filled gas can up the beams of the roof of the garage, if she ever needed to come back there for some reason, she at least knew she had extra gas. After backing out of the driveway, she just stood there on the street, looking at the house. Would she ever come back again?

“Look at it Juri.” Mila sighted and hugged the wheel tighter. “Look closely. Remember it. I don’t know when we’ll be able to return.”

As she said it out loud, she could have swore she saw Jim looking out at her from the upstairs window, peeking out behind the curtain. She swallowed hard. I’m hallucinating, he’s not real, she repeated inside her head, but couldn’t take her eyes from the window. She just had to accept it and continue to live, survive, for Juri’s sake.

[noladyme]

The Crown Princess of Charming - part 7

Welcome to Charming - its name says it all. Cat needed a fresh start; and though she hadn’t planned on that being in the arms of the crown prince of this little town’s bikerclub - that was what happened. Charming CA would either be the death of her - or a whole new life.

Rated M

This might be a rough one for some people.

TW: assault

7

We went back to TM. Phil drove my car there for me, with me in the passenger seat. I was too shaky to ride with Jax.

We were met in the lot by an angry looking Clay. “What happened, Jax?”, he growled. I went to sit by a picnic-table, outside the clubhouse. Jax lit a cigarette; and looked Clay straight in the eyes. “Truce with The Nords is over”, he declared. Clay snarled. “Goddammit, Jax!”.

Jax didn’t flinch. “If it was mom…”, he said. “This peace was bullshit, Clay. You know it”. “You had your revenge on Darby’s guy”, Clay snarled. “We only took half of Ollie’s dick”, Chibs said. “He’s still got an angry inch flopping around down there”.

Clay wasn’t appeased. “I already got that ATF bitch up my ass; I don’t need you complicating our situation more – starting some blood feud with the skinhead army!”. “Stahl has nothing on us, man”, Jax said. “We’re clear of that shit… Did you call Unser?”. Clay looked towards me. “Yeah. He’s taking care of it”. Jax nodded. “Thanks…”.

He stepped over to me, and took my hand; leading me into the clubhouse. “Lockdown is back on again. You don’t leave the compound for anything, except extreme emergencies; and someone always has an eye on you”. I frowned. “Can I pee in private?”, I grumbled. He sighed. “This isn’t something to joke about”, he grumbled. “Clay’s right. Going at Darcy like that – threatening his business… I might have kicked a hornet’s nest. Put that on top of your psycho ex…”.

I let out a deep breath. Jax stroked my cheek. “You’ll be fine, darlin’”, he said. “Will you though?”, I said. He smirked. “I always am”, he said. “I have to run. I have a meth-lab to burn down”. I groaned. “Ok. I’ll just wait here… with the armed bikers, and the alcohol”. “You’ll have a blast”, he smiled; and kissed me softly.

He walked towards the door. “Jax…”, I called after him. “Yeah?”. “If you die, I’ll kick your ass”. “Yes ma’am”, he smiled; and left.

---

Bobby was babysitting me; looking like the father of a teenager who’s threatened to run away. I went to look through my stuff in one of the back rooms; and he followed me – standing in the doorway as I rummaged through a box. “The window is too small for me to get through; Bobby”. I gestured at the tiny window under the ceiling. “Just due diligence, sweetheart”. “Jax thinks I’ll make a run for it?”, I chuckled. “Will you?”, Bobby muttered.

I turned around and looked at him incredulously. “You don’t like me…”, I said. He shook his head. “I have nothing against you, Cat”, he said. “I’m just worried about Jax”. I clenched my jaw. “You think I’ll hurt him?”. “Not on purpose; you don’t have it in you”, he said. “But when you realize this life isn’t as sweet as it looks – when you break – so will he. He doesn’t want to see you hurt”. I sighed. “I won’t break. Shit, I’ve been here 3 weeks; and I’ve never felt more at home anywhere in my life”. Bobby nodded. “And that violence you saw the other night?”. I looked him square in the face. “You want to know what happened, after I saw Jax torture a man for me?”, I sneered. “I went home. I had sex with my old man; and spent the next day caring for his son… I didn’t run”.

Bobby let out a breath. “All right. I’m sorry”. I swallowed. “I get it. You’re protective of your friend. You love him… but so do I”. The biker smiled. “That’s all I wanted to hear”, he said. “Come on. I made banana-bread”.

I stepped towards the door to join him. He put a hand on my shoulder. “For what it’s worth; I do like you, puddin’. You’re might be just what this club needs”. “What’s that?”, I asked. “A good person; and a hell of a gogo-dancer”, he smiled. “Burlesque…”, I frowned. “Burlesque. Whatever”, he muttered. “Let’s go. Banana-bread”.

A little while later we were chewing on the baked deliciousness Bobby had created. “How come you’re all such good cooks; and you still want your old ladies to do all the housework?”, I asked, wiping my face with a napkin. “We’re not all tied down in domesticated bliss”, he chuckled. “We gotta live on something”. “Baked goods and whiskey?”, I smirked. “Covers most of our nutritional needs”, he said; and pulled out a joint from his cut-pocket. “This takes care of the vegetables”. He lit the blunt. “I believe you”, I laughed.

“Shit; I forgot…”, Bobby said. “Rat dropped off your purse this morning”. He got my bag from behind the bar, and gave it to me. I got my phone from inside it. Lyla had dropped a few messages; and there were four unanswered calls. I checked my voicemail.

Sunday, 11 am. “Miss Rose; this is special agent June Stahl from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. I’d like to talk to you about your association with Jackson Teller. I believe you might have some important information; that’s critical to an ongoing investigation. Please give me a call back”.

Stahl… The ATF agent. This wasn’t good.

Thuesday, 1.15 pm. “Miss Rose. This is agent Stahl again. Please give me a call back. It’s critical that we speak. I’m worried you might be in danger. I can help you.

Bobby looked at my frowning face. “What’s wrong?”, he asked. I shook my head, and listened to the next message.

Wednesday, 3.30 pm. “Catherine; it’s June Stahl. I’m worried you’re ignoring my calls at this point. You are with a group of very bad men. You have to get out of there. I have received information you’ll want to hear; from one of your old friends. He’s worried about you; Cathy. The Sons of Anarchy are going down. Get out; leave town. Joshua Kohn has promised me he’ll make sure you make it back to Chicago safe. We know about you attack. It’s only going to get worse from here on out. Jackson is going to jail. Don’t be there when that happens. They’ll put it on you…”. 

I felt sick. Bobby frowned at me. “Cat; talk to me”. “Where is Jax?”, I said with a choked voice. “On his way up to Darby’s cookery”, Bobby said. “Why?”. I breathed shakily. “Something’s wrong”.

I listened to the last message.

Thursday, 1.46 pm. A little over an hour ago. “Kitty. It’s me. I’m very sorry it had to come to this for you. I understand you had a visit at your motel. I didn’t want to do that, my love… but I had to. (sigh) Honey; I’m coming to get you. I know where you are. Be outside the compound at 3 pm. We’ll get out of this town together… Look; I know we have issues, kitty-girl; but we’ll work through them. I forgive you… I do… Be outside when I said. Don’t tell anyone where you are going. I don’t want to do this to you; but if you’re not there… I know where the Teller is. I’ll call Stahl and give her the address. They have SWAT standing by. Teller’s is either ending up in an orange suit, or a body-bag. You can stop that. I love you, my Catherine. See you soon”.

I put my phone into my purse. The gun Jax had given me; was still in there. I picked up the small bag. “I have to go to the bathroom”, I muttered. “Sweetheart?”, Bobby said. “Just… to much banana-bread”. I tried to smile.

I stood up; and walked down the hall. My body was shaking. I love you Jax. I’m sorry…

I closed the door to the bathroom, and locked it. I had to go. Jax would never go down without a fight. He’d die today, if I didn’t leave with Joshua. I would never see Jackson again. I would never see Abel – but if I didn’t leave; he’d never see his father again, either. Jax became someone else for me; turned of his humanity to protect me. It was my turn to repay the favor.

Bobby knocked at the door. “Cat?”, he called. “Are you ok? ‘You gluten allergic?”. “I’m fine?”, I squeaked. “Just need a minute”. “You sure?”. I thought fast. “Shark week”, I said. There was a pause. “Ok… I’m gonna go away now…”. I heard him walk off.

I looked up at the small window above the toilet. I could make it. I just needed to be quiet.

Carefully opening the window, I climbed through it; and landed on a dumpster by the side of the clubhouse. The loud bump from my landing made me gasp; and I looked towards the auto shop; worried someone would have heard me. My cheeks where burning, but otherwise I felt cold all over.

Rat was standing by the tow-truck; parked just a few yards away. “What are you doing?”, he asked. “Dance practice”, I said. “I have to go”. “Why did you climb out of the window?”, he frowned. “Cardio”, I muttered. I needed to deescalate the situation. “Do you… have a cigarette?”, I asked smilingly. “Shit, yeah”, Rat smiled, and handed me a smoke; lighting it for me. “Look, could you tell Jax… tell him I’m sorry…”, I said. “For running off”. “For dance class?”, Rat said. “Yeah”, I smiled. “Tell him I love him”.

Calmly as I could; I walked towards the large opened gate – leaving behind my second home; my love – and the life I had thought was mine. All I had to remind me; was the blue, plaid flannel shirt I was wearing.

---

The street outside was quiet. People we’re going home to prepare dinner for their families; live their lives. I walked down the street, my breath hitching; and tears welling up in my eyes.

A dark escalade pulled up next to me; and the window by the passenger-seat opened. I looked inside.

“Hello, kitty…”. Josh was smiling warmly at me. “Get in, honey. We have quite a drive”.

He opened the door for me; and I got into the seat. “Buckle up, my love. And put out that cigarette. I hate it when you smoke; you know that”, Josh said brightly. “I brought road snacks!”. He handed me a bag of peanuts. “There’s water in the back seat”. I looked behind me; and saw a cooler standing next to a shotgun. “Josh…”, I croaked. “Don’t worry, honey. It’s just for our protection. Are you armed?” “My purse”, I said. “Gun”. “Thank you for your honesty. Throw it into the back”. I did as I was told. “See; we’re already building trust”. “Yes”, I croaked.

We drove for a while; passing the sign at the town border. The name says it all. “Not so charming, huh?”, Joshua chuckled. I took a gasping breath; and he grabbed my shaking hand. “Hey… You’re ok now. I’m taking you away from here. You don’t ever have to come back”. “Where are you taking me?”, I asked. “Home”, Josh smiled; returning his hand to the wheel. “Our future”. “You… came all the way here for me”, I said. He nodded. “Arrived shortly after you”, he said. His jaw clenched. “I would have come for you sooner; but I knew you needed some space. Kept my distance”. I looked at the passing road-signs. We were going east. “So… you called my job. Sent those papers…”, I muttered. “That wasn’t the right place for you. You know it”, he said. “You were getting in too deep – too fast”.

I let out a deep breath. “You’ve been watching”. His face twitched. “I had to make sure you were safe”, he almost growled. “I understand that you needed to let loose for a bit… sow your wild oats; before you finally settled down… but him…”. I swallowed bile. “He’s not… you don’t have to worry about him”.

Josh slammed his hands into the wheel; and the car swerved; making me yelp. “I saw you two that night! His hands all over you. Where’s your sense of respect for what we have?”. “I’m sorry, Josh”, I whimpered. He looked at me with wide eyes, and sighed. “I know, Catherine… but you can’t do that anymore. I’m not going to let you destroy my love for you; it won’t work”. “I understand”, I whispered. “Do you? Really?”, he asked. “Yes…”, I said. “But… I need to know. Did you tell that agent…”. “Where biker boy is?”, he snarled. “No. I don’t like what he does; who he is… but it’s not his fault that you made some bad decisions”.

Jax was safe. I couldn’t help but smile through my tears. “Does that make you happy?”, Josh said; almost daring me. “I can still call her”. “I’m… just happy that I didn’t ruin anymore lives”, I said. Joshua’s face softened. “You are a good person, honey. Deep down. You just needed to be reminded where you belong. And with whom”. “With you”, I muttered. He took my hand again. “With me”.

His hand was clammy. It made me sick to my stomach to have him touch me; but I didn’t pull my hand away. I have to save you, Jax.

We drove for about an hour. Josh kept talking to me; telling me about how he’d redecorated his apartment so it would fit us both. “I had them put new wallpaper in the bedroom. Pink roses. Your favorite”. “I’m… happy”, I smiled as genuinely as I could. I hated pink roses. I would always hate pink roses. “Josh; I have to pee… can we pull over?”. He shook his head. “I rented a motel room about 30 minutes away”, he said. “Hold it”. “Why?”, I asked. “Stop asking questions”, he snarled. “I-I’m sorry, Josh”, I stammered. “I was just wondering why you got us a room… I didn’t mean to question you”. He paused for a second before answering. “We need a fresh start, honey”, he said. “A romantic night together is just what we the doctor prescribed”. I swallowed bile again.

Josh pulled up at a small roadside motel. The rooms were individual cabins. “Privacy”, he smirked at me. I tried to smile back; hiding my tears. “Perfect”, I whispered. “No, you’re perfect”, Josh breathed; and leant towards me. I closed my eyes; and he put his lips on mine. They were cold and clammy; like his hand.

He got out of the car; opened my door; and led me to the door of one of the small cabins. He locked the it behind us.

The inside of the room was faux rustic – from the plastic antlers on the wall, to the Walmart patchwork on the bed. Josh was smiling gleefully. “Oh yeah. Look at this!”, he said; and popped a quarter into a slot on the wall by the bed. “Lay down”. I hesitated. “Honey, don’t worry. We’ll take it slow”, he said, and put his hands on my waist, backing me against the bed. His lips were on mine again; and I exhaled through my nose. “Lay down”.

I sat myself on the bed; before laying my head against the pillow. Josh pushed a button next to my bed. It began vibrating. “A nice massage, for my kitty”, Josh smirked. “You like that, don’t you?”.

He began crawling over my body. “I missed you so much”, he breathed against my neck; and put his lips to my skin. “Please, Josh…”, I whimpered. “I can’t…”. He looked at me with scrunched eyebrows. “Honey… I just love you so much. I want you to feel good…”. He put his hand on my breast. “Don’t…”. I began sobbing; and tried pushing him away.

Josh sat up; straddling me. I tried to sit up myself; pulling myself backwards to create distance between us. “This isn’t our first time. Just relax and let me love you again”. I shook my head. “We didn’t… make love”, I said; anger in my voice. Joshua’s face became enraged. “We made love!”, he yelled at me. “We had sex. That’s it”, I said. “That’s all it was to you?”, he growled. “You whore!”. He backhanded me across the face; and I felt my ears pop from the blow.

“And him? Teller? You made love to him?”, he growled. “I gave you a year and a half of my life. He’s known you – what – a month?”. “We weren’t together that long, Josh. You just never accepted that”. Josh smirked at me. “Once we’re done here; I’m going to go back to Charming, and burn down that clubhouse… kill that homewrecker”.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I pushed him off me as hard as I could; and sprang for the door. Josh was on me; and grabbed the back of my head; slamming it against the wall. I fell to the floor; feeling blood coming from my nose. “Why do you have to make this so hard?”, he roared. “Please”, I whimpered. “I want to go home…”. Josh grabbed my arm; and pulled me up. “We’re going home tomorrow”, he snarled. “Tonight; you show me that you still love me!”.

He tore at the buttons on the flannel I was wearing – struggling me for dominance. I grabbed at his face; dipping my nails into the skin; and leaving marks down his cheek. “Bitch!”, he yelped; and kneed me in the gut. His arms went around me; and I grabbed his hair – pulling it hard; and biting into his neck. Josh roared, and let me go.

I ran towards the door; and unlocked it; running outside – screaming for help. I saw an elderly man in the cabin next door, look at me through the blinds, and close them quickly. I ran to the car; and ripped the door open; grabbing my purse.

Josh had followed me outside; and kicked my leg; making me fall to the ground. I managed to keep a tight hold of my bag; when Joshua grabbed the shotgun and cocked it – aiming at me. “Get back inside, Catherine”. I stood back up slowly, tears running down my cheeks. “Inside”, he repeated.

I limped back into the cabin. Josh closed the door. “Put down the purse”. I obliged; his shotgun poking my back. “Turn around. Slowly”. I turned around and met his face. It was calm – and cold. “Good. Now take of your clothes”. I sobbed, and shook my head. “No… please”, I cried. “Take of the goddamn shirt, you dirty whore!”. I shrugged off the shirt; making it land on the floor. Jax… “Now the top… slowly. Make it worth it”. I took a deep breath, and pulled the hem of my t-shirt over my head.

Josh looked me over. “Still so beautiful”, he breathed. “Now the pants…”. He began removing his own shirt with one hand. I had a metallic, bitter taste in my mouth. “Do it!”, he screamed. With shaking hands; I unbuttoned my jeans.

I looked down at the floor, where my purse was laying; slightly open. “M-my boots”, I stammered. Josh nodded. “Take them off”, he said.

I bent down; and removed one boot; making it look like I was about to take of the other. With a quick glance up at Josh; I then threw myself at my bag; grabbing the gun inside. Josh’s shotgun went off; and I felt a soaring pain on my arm. He’d missed me; but a few buckshot’s had grazed my upper arm.

I hear a roar of engines outside. Josh turned around; and I ran at him; pushing him in the back. He toppled over, and the shotgun slid under the bed. I pointed my gun at Josh. “The safety’s on”, he snarled. I flicked my thumb. “No it’s not”, I growled; and pulled the hammer.

Josh threw himself at me; making me fall to the floor. My gun went off; shooting a hole in the ceiling.

“Cat!”. It was Jax’s voice; coming from outside. “Jax!”, I screamed at the top of my lungs. Josh punched me in the face; and put his hands around my neck; beginning to choke me.

The door was kicked open; and Jackson was in the room. With a roar; he dragged Joshua off me; throwing him against the wall; and slamming his fist into the monster’s face. Opie and Chibs ran through the door; and grabbed Josh – pinning him to the floor. Chibs locked Joshuas arms behind his back; and Opie put his foot on his neck – making it impossible for him to move.

Jax rushed over to me; and lifted me into a seated position. “Baby!”, he croaked; his face anguished. “He…”, I couldn’t finish my sentence, but began sobbing. He put his hand on my cheek; looking at the bruising Josh’s beating had caused. I tugged at his cut; and wept into his chest; leaving a bloody trail on his white t-shirt. Jackson held me close, and stroked my hair. “I’m here, baby. It’s over”.

“You slut!”, Josh growled. “You’ve probably spread your legs for all of these scumbags!”. Opie moved his foot from Josh’s neck; and kicked him in the gut; making him let out a croaking sound.

Jax tensed up. He took the flannel from the floor; and draped it over me; before standing up and walking over to repeat Opie’s action.

“Let him go”, he snarled. Chibs stepped back; and Josh stumbled onto his legs. “You’re gonna die”, Jax growled; and attacked Joshua; throwing him at the wall; and punching his chest and face. Joshua fought back best he could; but he was no match for the beast that was a rageful Jackson. My old man was a wild animal; slamming his fists into Josh’s body, every opening he could find. In the end; Joshua was on the floor again; gagging for breath.

Opie went over to me; and helped me put on the shirt. “Come on”, he muttered; and got me on my feet. “He has to die…”, I hiccupped through my tears. “He’ll come back”.

Jax turned to look at me. I held out my gun to him; and he furrowed his brow. I limped over to him; putting the gun in his hand. “Kitty…”, Josh croaked. “You worthless cunt…”. I spat in his face. “Get her out of here”, Jax muttered. Opie supported my weight; and we went outside; leaving Jax and Chibs with my assailant.

I heard a loud pop; and my legs gave in. Opie held me upright; and I sobbed against his shoulder. “Shh, Cat. It’s over”, he whispered; and stroked my hair.

Suddenly; we heard sirens in the distance. “Shit. ATF”, Opie muttered.

No! No, no, no… You can’t take him.

I tore myself from Opie; and stumbled back into the cabin. Jax was standing over Josh’s limp corpse. “Go…”, I whispered. He looked at me incredulously. “What?”, he breathed. I walked over to him; and looked down at the corpse at his feet. “ATF is coming. You just committed murder. You have to go”, I said. “I’m not leaving you!”, he said.

I put my hand on his cheek; and kissed him softly. “I love you”, I said; and took the gun from his hand. He tried to hold on to it; but Chibs pulled at his arm. “Come on; Jax”. “I can’t leave her”, Jackson yelled, and looked into my eyes. “Come with me!”.

I sighed; and looked down. “I have a ride…”, I said; and looked towards the blinking lights coming closer. I pried his fingers from the gun; and stepped away from him.

“Jax, come on!”, Opie yelled from the door. Chibs dragged him towards the exit. “I love you, Cat!”, Jax whimpered. “I love you Jackson. Go”, I said; voice calm.

They sprang on their bikes; and drove fast as they could; down a dirt road behind the cabins.

I sat down on the bed and waited.

---

A few minutes later, two SWAT-officers sprang through the door – guns aimed at me.

“Put down the gun! Hands behind your head”. I dropped the gun on the floor; and kicked it towards the officers; before putting my hands behind my head. “Get on your knees!”. I shook my head. “I can’t”.

I heard a woman’s voice. “Are they in there?”, she called out. “No, ma’am”, one of the officers answered. “She’s alone. With a dead body”. A woman in a grey suit stepped in behind them. “Shit! We needed him red handed”. She looked pissed.

“Get on your knees!”, the first officer repeated. “I can’t! My leg’s busted”, I sneered. The woman shook her head. “Let it go”, she muttered. “You’re Catherine Rose, I take it”. “Cat…”, I said. “Cat”, she smiled. “Meow… well, this is a shitty ass situation for you. You’re alone in a room with a dead FBI agent”.

I looked at her with cold eyes. “Where’s Jackson Teller?”, she asked. “Not here”, I said. “So who killed agent Kohn?”. I looked away. “I did”, I said. “You did…”, she repeated with a chuckle. “And I take it you gave him that beating as well”, she continued; walking over to examine the body on the floor. “He attacked me. Beat me. Tried to rape me”. Her smile disappeared. “Huh”, she scoffed. “So you kicked his ass; and shot him in the head”. “Adrenaline”, I said.

She sighed. “Cuff her. Take her in”.

One of the officers pulled me up into a standing position; and pulled my arms down; zip-tying my wrists together. “Catherine Rose. You are under arrest for the murder of Joshua Kohn. You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say; can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney…”. The rest of his words disappeared into a blur; as the two officers supported my weight out of the door.

I looked back towards Joshua’s body one last time.

I hope you burn in hell…

---

I was driven to St. Thomas; and given a once over by a doctor. Once they had taken skin samples from under my nails; and I was cleared of any serious injury – beyond the almost torn over tendon in my knee; and the bent ribs on my right side – I was driven to the police station, and put in a cell for the rest of the night. I didn’t sleep.

The next morning, I was brought to an interview room; where a kind looking lawyer was waiting for me. “Catherine; I’m Abby Lowen”, she said. “Cat”, I said. “Are you a public defender?”. She shook her head. “Jackson Teller hired me”. She let out a deep breath. “He filled me in”. “So you know I killed Jo… agent Kohn”, I said.

She narrowed her eyes. “He gave me a slightly different story”, she said. “Then he’s lying. I killed him”. She shook her head. “I want to help you, Cat”, she said quietly. “But I can only do that, if you tell me the truth”. I stared her square in the face. “I’m not sending Jax to jail”, I said. She leant back in her chair. “Ok”, she sighed. “So tell me what you think happened”.

I swallowed. “Joshua has been stalking me for over a year. I tried getting a restraining order; but he used his pull to make it go away”, I said. “I came to Charming to start over… but he followed me here. He kidnapped me; beat me – and tried to rape me. So, I killed him”.

Lowen let out a deep breath. “I know part of that is true. And I am very sorry that happened to you”, she said sincerely. “I managed to pull out a record from six months ago; citing an attack on you, at your old job”. “Yeah. Kohn”, I said. She shook her head. “The report says the attacker was never found. That you didn’t name him”. “I did!”, I frowned. She opened a file in front of her. “I also have another record, stating that you were under the influence of cocaine while at work as a middle school teacher”. “Kohn”, I repeated.

She sighed again. “If we can prove that agent Kohn attacked you; you’ll probably be cleared of charges – citing self defense”, she said. “But if would be easier for you if you just…”. I slammed my hand into the table. “I am not giving them Jax”. She nodded. “I get it. Ok. Let’s move forward with your story”. “I’m sorry”, I muttered. “I know you’re trying to help…”. She smiled crookedly. “Let’s fix this, Cat”, she said quietly.

I swallowed. “Am I going to jail?”, I asked. “We’ll try to avoid that. For now, agent Stahl wants you here, for some reason”. “She wants to use me against the club”, I said. She nodded. “I think so…”.

The door opened, and agent Stahl came in. “You’re free to go”, she said. “What?”, I said. “We found the shotgun under the bed; with Kohn’s fingerprints on it. And you, my dear; had buckshot’s in your arm when we found you. It doesn’t make him look good”.

Lowen shook her head. “What’s going on, Stahl? You arrested her. She confessed”. The agent chuckled. “Are you trying to keep you client in custody?”, she said. She looked at me. Her botoxed face gave me the shivers. “It looks like you were telling the truth, kitty”. I wanted to smack the filler out of her lips.

“So, what now?”, Lowen asked. “You’re not in the clear”, Stahl said. “If it turns out what happened was in fact murder; you’re back in here”. Lowen shook her head. “Double jeopardy. You can’t do that…”. Stahl looked at her seriously. “Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t do something. We, as women, have to believe in ourselves!”. “You can’t arrest her twice for the same crime”, Lowen said. Stahl shook her head. “There was never any arrest”, she said. I scoffed. “Your guy literally arrested and read me my rights last night”. She smiled brightly. “Turns out he was hitting the hooch”, she said. “He’s suspended; and the arrest was deemed null and void”. Lowen looked at her incredulously. “So, if you change your mind; you can pull her back in and charge her again”. “Exactly!”, Stahl grinned. “Now, get your belongings, and skedaddle”.

I was flabbergasted; and began limping towards the open door. “Oh!”, Stahl called after me. “The gun used to kill agent Kohn… it didn’t have a serial number. Did he bring that as well?”. She narrowed her eyes at me Lowen took a hold of my arm. “You don’t have to say anything”, she muttered; and helped me out the door.

“Your boyfriend is waiting outside the station”, Stahl called after us. “Have a nice day!”.

I said goodbye to Lowen – promised to call if I needed her – and limped out into the daylight.

Jax was leaning against his bike; and when he saw me; he walked over, and helped me down the stairs. He wouldn’t meet my eyes.

“Can you ride?”, he muttered. “Yeah…”, I whispered. He gave me his helmet; and got on his bike; letting me get on behind him. Without a word; he started up the bike, and drove us away from the station.

---

He took us home; and helped me through the door; transporting me to the couch; and putting a pillow under my leg, to lift my knee. “Need ice?”, he said. “I’m good. Thanks”, I said.

He nodded; and hesitated for a second; before leaning in and giving me a chaste kiss on my lips. He walked in to the kitchen; and grabbed me a bag of peas from the freezer – coming back to put it on my knee. “I said I was good”, I muttered. “It’s swollen”, he said. “Keep it on there”. “Ok”, I whispered.

Jax moved towards the front door. “Jax?”, I croaked. “You’re safe now”, he said; back turned to me. “Look at me…”, I pleaded.

He met my gaze. His eyes were indifferent. “I have to go take care of some stuff”, he said. “Gemma’s got the kid for a few days”. “I can take him…”. “No, you need to heal… It’ll be a late one. Don’t wait up”.

He left without looking back. When I heard him start up his bike; I instantly began sobbing.

After a while; I managed to get myself into the bathroom; and take a shower – leaning against the wall for support. I stumbled into the bedroom; and fell onto the bed – tears returning to my eyes.

Lyla came by; letting herself in. She’d brought a casserole; and a thermos of her special brew. “How are you feeling?”, she asked, after she’d helped me into the kitchen. I shook my head. “He… he’s dead. It’s over”, I said. She nodded. “I’m so sorry. You’ve been through so much”.

I looked at my friend’s face. She was so kind, and – porn-star or not – almost angelic in her demeanor. “What happens next?”, she said. I sighed. “I have no idea…”, I said quietly. “I might get charged again… might not. It’s all just up in the air”. “Jax’ll make sure you’ll be fine”, she smiled. “Yeah…”, I whispered.

She frowned. “What’s wrong?”. I shook my head. “He wouldn’t talk to me…”, I said. “He just left for… I don’t know what”. She squeezed my hand. “Must have been something important”, she said. “He loves you, Cat. It’ll be fine…”. I tried to smile, and nodded. “I want to get some sleep”. “Of course!”, she said. “I have to pick up Piper from soccer anyway”.

I limped after her to the door, and she kissed my cheek. “Everything will be ok. You just have to heal. And so does he”. She left; and I stumbled back into the bedroom.

I fell asleep; and woke at 3 am; from the sound of Jax moving around in the bedroom. “Are you ok?”, I whispered. “Yeah”, he said; and kissed my chin quickly; laying down next to me. “Go back to sleep”. He turned his back to me; and pulled the covers over his body. “Goodnight”.

He didn’t touch me all night.

---

I woke up late the next morning; and limped into the kitchen; to find Jax smoking a cigarette; and drinking a cup of coffee. He’d found a set of crutches somewhere; and put them against the counter. “Thanks”, I said. He nodded at me; and went to grab me a mug. “Did you eat yesterday?”, he said. “I wasn’t hungry”. “Lyla brought food…”, he muttered. “Like I said…”. He shook his head, and got up – getting a bowl; cereal and milk – setting it all down in front of me. “Eat”.

I sighed. “Would you please talk to me?”, I said. He sat down again; and took a draw from his smoke. “What do you want me to say?”. “You killed a man, Jax!”, I sneered. He blew out smoke. “Yeah, I do that”, he muttered. “I talked to Lowen. She told me what happened. That was stupid of you…”.

I frowned. “I wasn’t going to send you to jail!”. “I’ve been inside before. I’d manage”. “This was murder! You wouldn’t have come back”. “Cat…”. “No! Why are you mad at me?”.

He met my eyes. “I’m not”, he said softly. “I’m just… what happened. It shouldn’t have. You shouldn’t have left the clubhouse”. “I had to”, I muttered. “Kohn knew where you were. He would have sent Stahl after you”. Jackson bit his lip. “You shouldn’t have left”. I fought tears. “I wanted to protect you”. “I know…”.

We sat in silence for a while. “I have to go”, Jax said. “Why”, I whimpered. “I have a deal to tie up”, he said; and stood up – putting on his cut. I gave in, and let the tears fall. “Don’t… Cat; I’ll be back later, ok? Call Gemma, if you don’t want to be alone. You shouldn’t drive until your knee is better”.

“What Josh did to me… I just wanted you to come and take me away”, I sniveled. “I did come; but you didn’t come with me when I asked”, he answered. “And now… you can’t even touch me or look at me”, I said He sighed, and took my hand. “I love you Cat. But I don’t know what you want from me”, he said. “He’s dead. It’s over. You don’t have to be afraid anymore”.

He leant over me; and kissed my lips gently. “We’ll get through this shit with Stahl”, he said. “Just… heal up. I’ll see you later”.

He walked out the door; and I was alone again.

[calumance]

omg maybe could you write aiden be a protective big bro to logan and his sister as they get older? idk what the age gaps are but if they’re in high school together or aidens picking them up from middle school while cal and reader pick up the youngest from preschool and aiden sees logan getting picked on kinda like how was kinda picked on in preschool and aiden comes to the rescue and doesn’t tell the parents until they find out from logan and it’s so fluff 😭😭😭😭😭

Oh my gosh I got so excited to write this in Aiden’s perspective. I got so excited to establish Aiden’s personality as an adult. Oh goodness, I hope you enjoy this as much as I do!! 🥰🥰🥰❤️❤️❤️

        The final bell rang and Aiden closed his notebook before sliding it into his backpack. Today was the day they got out of school early, which meant it was the day he had to pick up his younger siblings. It was the agreement he had with his parents after he got his license and bought a car with the money he had saved up from birthdays and the part time job he works on the weekends. As Aiden walked out of the school, he checked his phone to see if either one of his parents had texted him. There was one from his dad, “Hey, I’m stuck in the studio late tonight, will you help your mom get dinner on the table and help get your siblings to bed on time? Thanks, son, love you.” Aiden sighed and dropped his phone back into his pocket as he grabbed his car keys out of the other pocket.

        When he got to Bailey’s school, he parked and made his way inside. Calum always taught him to go inside when picking up his siblings from school so they would see him right away, it lowered the chance of them getting lost or taken. When Aiden was younger, he thought it was silly, but as he got older and saw the news, he knew that it was completely rational. Bailey was ten years younger than him, which made people always look at him as if he were way too young to have a child. Which, he was, but he wasn’t too young to love his baby sister unconditionally. Aiden shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at the door to the classroom, ignoring all of the questioning looks from the parents around him.

        The school bell rang and he stood up straight, craning his neck looking for his sister. Bailey came running out, her backpack bouncing against her back. Aiden smiled as he opened his arms and allowed Bailey to crash into his chest. “Denny!” Bailey exclaimed as Aiden wrapped his arms around her. As close as Aiden and Logan were, Aiden was always going to have a soft spot for his little sister. Aiden let go of her and gripped her hand. Bailey walked next to him, a bit more of a pep in her step. “My favorite days are Thursdays because that’s the day you pick me up from school.” Bailey said quite openly.

        Aiden’s eyebrows stitched together as he looked down at her. “What about the days that mom and dad pick you up, don’t you like those days too?” Calum picks Bailey up on Monday’s and Wednesday’s, their mom picks her up on Tuesday’s and together they pick her up on Fridays. It was a schedule they kept to religiously, and have since Aiden was old enough to drive.

        Bailey shrugged and looked up at Aiden, “I mean, I guess I like Friday’s, too, because that’s when mommy and daddy pick me up, but I like Thursday’s because you always take me for ice cream.” Bailey’s eyes grew wide and she pulled on Aiden’s hand to stop him from walking, “Are we still getting ice cream?”

        Aiden laughed and ran his free hand down the back of Bailey’s hair, “Of course we are, it wouldn’t be Thursday if we didn’t.” Bailey smiled from ear to ear before squeezing Aiden’s hand and pulling him towards the car.

        When they got to Logan’s school, they both hopped out of the car and finished their ice cream. Aiden walked the few steps away from the car and tossed everything in the trash can. Together, they leaned against the car and waited for the last bell to ring. When the bell finally rang, it took a few minutes for kids to start pouring out of the doorway. Aiden kept his eyes on all of the kids until he finally saw Logan. Logan’s hands were gipping the straps of his backpack so tightly that his knuckles were white. His face showed absolute irritation, and that’s when Aiden noticed the group of kids around him getting in his face and laughing and pushing him. “Bay, get in the car.” Aiden helped Bailey into the back seat and then shut the door.

        Aiden’s blood was boiling. No one was allowed to pick on his little brother, except for him, of course. Aiden was ready to kick some twelve year old ass, but by the time he turned around, the group of kids had parted and Logan was only a few steps away from the car. Aiden crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Logan. Logan rolled his eyes and dropped his arms to his side, “You look just like dad when you do that.”

        “What to tell me what that was all about?” Aiden could feel the anger boiling over the side. Aiden was eighteen now, he could confront those kids as an adult and probably get them off Logan’s back. Logan shook his head and walked around the front of Aiden’s car to get into the passenger seat.

        The radio was loud enough that Bailey was singing in the back seat, but quiet enough that Logan and Aiden could talk to each other. “Don’t tell mom and dad,” Logan said still looking out the window. “They’ll freak out and I just want to get through middle school without being teased anymore.” Logan looked away from the window and down at his hands.

        Aiden glanced over at Logan and raised an eyebrow. “So, you are being teased. What are they teasing you about? I swear to god, Logan, I will kick some kids ass, no one picks on my little brother besides me.” Aiden readjusted his grip on the steering wheel, realizing he had some sort of angry death grip on the thing.

        Logan smirked, never realizing how much his big brother cared for him. “They tease me about the fact that I get good grades.” Hearing that, Aiden wanted to slam his foot down on the break and turn around to set some shit straight. Who the fuck cares if a kid gets good grades, why is that such a bad thing? Just as Aiden was about to start screaming, they turned down the street that lead to the house. Instead, Aiden agreed to keep it to himself.

        Following his dad’s instructions, he helped his mom get dinner on the table, and then helped get Logan and Bailey get to bed. By the time he was done getting his siblings to sleep, his mom was out cold in her bed. Aiden pulled the comforter up and over her shoulders and then kissed the side of her head. It was something that Aiden had watched Calum do almost every single night for the past eighteen years. Aiden sat at the table and pulled his homework out and continued to work on it from where he left off after dinner.

        Soon, the front door opened and Calum walked through. Aiden stood up and met his dad at the door. Calum smiled at him and threw his car keys into the bowl by the door, “Hey, how was your day?” He asked shoving his hands into his pockets.

        Aiden nodded, “It was good, everyone is asleep. Dad, can we talk about something?” Aiden rocked back and forth on his feet, shoving his hands into his pockets. Calum pulled his eyebrows together in confusion and concern and nodded towards Aiden. They walked into the living room and sat next to each other on the couch. Aiden clasped his hands together and bounced his leg nervously. “When I was picking Logan up from school, I saw that he was getting picked on. My blood just absolutely boiled, I was ready to kick some ass,” He paused feeling his hands starting to tremble. “He told me he’s getting picked on because he gets good grades. Who the,” Aiden looked up at Calum who raised his eyebrows, “Heck picks on someone for being good at school?” Aiden paused and looked at his hands again. “I promised him I wouldn’t tell you, but I just don’t know how to go about it without knocking some twelve year old butts on the ground.”

        Calum laughed and threw an arm around Aiden’s shoulder. “You handle it by being an older brother. You walk up to them, and tell them how it is. Puff your chest up a bit and tell them that maybe if they spent less time picking on kids who are good at school, then maybe they’d be good at school too.” Aiden laughed and nodded, lowering his head again. Calum looked at his son and smiled. “You’re a good kid, Aiden, and an even better older brother. Those two are lucky to have you, and so are me and your mom.”

        Aiden smiled and looked at his dad, “Thank you, I’m going to go to bed.” Calum ruffled Aiden’s hair and watched as Aiden walked down the hall to his bedroom. Calum really was lucky to have Aiden as his kid.

************

Tag list: @mantlereid @notinthesameguey @viiirg0 @wheniminouterspace @thinkofmehlgh @another-lonely-heart @limer-encia @itsmytimetoodream @babyoria @treatallwithkindness 

[mertronus]

Secret Mission

Chapter 4

Read it on AO3 or FFN

Monday morning Ron reluctantly left Hermione asleep in their room at the Leaky Cauldron to head into the Ministry early with Harry, who met him downstairs for breakfast so they could floo directly from there.  Before he left, he discreetly ordered breakfast to be sent up to room 14 as well.

He briefly considered telling Harry then and there.  It would have been the moment, after all, as they were 'alone'.  But then the guilt of even Harry knowing before his mum ate away at him and he decided against it.

He knew he needed to tell his mum today.  This secret was getting to him and made him feel as if he was hiding her because he was ashamed.  When, truth be told, he was dying to show Hermione off as his wife and introduce him to his family - to the entire wizarding world if he was being frank!  He wanted to stand on top of Gringotts on a dragon and scream it to the entirety of Wizarding London.  No, sod that...the entire world!  Wizards and muggles alike!

The brilliant, beautiful, albeit completely insufferable and stubborn at times, Hermione Jean Granger was his wife.  Off the market.  His only from now until forever.  

There are times he still can't believe it.  Over the course of the year, every moment he was with her he thought she actually wants me.  Sodding redheaded, gangly, freckled-faced Ronald Weasley.  He admittedly thought she was way out of his league when he first laid eyes on her.  He still wasn't sure what spurred the courage to kiss her - during a row of all moments, too.  But he was so glad he did.

She fancied him.  She fell in love with him.  She agreed to marry him.  And he still couldn't wrap his mind around it all.

Mum will love her.  Bill will be surprised.  Charlie and the twins will take the mickey but will eye her appreciatively.  Percy will be impressed by her brilliant mind.  And I'll be able to say to them, "she's all mine."

Ron also knew that Ginny would love her - and had no doubt Harry would too.  But something told him that once Ginny got her hands on her newest sister-in-law, it would be hard to separate them.

It was during one of Ron and Hermione's late night strolls in the back gardens of the castle in France when she told Ron that she almost went to Hogwarts. Ron couldn't help but imagine that they all - Harry, Hermione and himself and maybe Ginny, too - likely would have been the closest friends.  He momentarily wondered if she would have fancied Harry better though, if given the choice, but quickly shook that thought out of his mind.  As much as he acted like it bothered him, Harry and Ginny were made for each other, even back then.  And Hermione was made for Ron alone.  

But he really couldn't wait to introduce her to his family and best mate.  He was determined to tell his mum that very day.  Everyone will know by tomorrow.

Ron spent most of the morning in the Auror Department.  His team met with Ledwig and Robards (Hermione was excused from the meeting, but Ledwig knew Ron would give her any pertinent information) and as there were three wizards still at large, the ring leader included, Robards let them know that Besson implied the team may be requested to return after all...as early as next week.  

Ron groaned.  He wasn't looking forward to leaving his family again so soon, but the bright side was that Hermione, being a part of the team, would go with him.  So at least he wouldn't have to leave her.  This time.

Admittedly, however, having Hermione so close to the action unnerved him greatly.  It led to many more rows over the fifteen months they spent at the castle in South France.  And even though, thankfully, the team had an easy time apprehending those they were able to, she still showed that she could hold her own at any moment.  During one surprise ambush, she expertly disarmed one of the suspects before anyone on the team even noticed he was there - which led to his capture and arrest.  Ron almost forgot that the woman with short blonde hair and wearing glasses was his Hermione in disguise.

In a nutshell, his wife was a ruddy brilliant bad arse.

But it was still dangerous, even for him.  He would still much rather the mission be over and done with so she could move on to her next, less dangerous - and hopefully in London - assignment.  

In the meantime, a Belgium auror team took over the current mission and were working on finding the final three, but Besson reckoned they needed a bit of help.  Robards said they would know more later on in the week.

Bloody brilliant.

Ron hung around the office for a bit after the meeting, catching up with colleagues, then went back to the Leaky and ordered lunch for two, taking it up to the room where he found Hermione reading.  They tucked in to their sandwiches and chips as he updated her on the outcome of the meeting, enjoyed a lazy afternoon shag, then Ron head off to the Burrow with promises to put things in motion to bring her along to meet the family.

His plan was to get there early enough that anyone else besides his mum would still be at work.  His plan, however, was foiled.

Ron walked into the kitchen to find Mum, Ginny, Fleur and Audrey at the kitchen table, parchment and magazines spread out in front of them talking loudly and animatedly.  Bill and Harry were in the sitting room keeping Victoire and Dominique occupied.

"What's going on?" Ron asked as he walked into the sitting room and cocked his head towards the loud kitchen.

Harry stood up and beamed.  "I didn't want to say anything this morning mate, because I wasn't sure, but the decision has been made."  He paused and Ron rolled his eyes to say 'get on with it then'.  "Ginny and I are getting married on Saturday!"

"What?!  You serious mate?"

"No, I'm not Sirius, I'm Harry.  But yes, we're getting married on Saturday."  Bill laughed at Harry's quip and Ron picked up a throw pillow and threw it at him.

"Cheeky git!"

"Cheeky git!" Victoire repeated.  Ron's eyes bulged as Bill tried to distract Victoire before -

"RONALD!!   YOU WILL WATCH YOUR MOUTH IN FRONT OF MY GRANDCHILDREN!"

Ron's ears turned bright red.  "Sorry Mum."  

Blimey, not even being a bad arse auror and taking down the darkest wizards can keep me from a bollocking from mum.

Molly continued to fuss over Ron as she padded around the kitchen, going back and forth between making dinner and pouring over Ginny's notes.

"We need all hands on deck this week.  Ron, Harry, I know you'll be busy with work during the day, but I expect you both here when you're not on the clock to get things done.  We'll also need to get you two and the rest of the boys to Madam Malkin's to be fitted for your dress robes."  Ron groaned, Molly ignored him and continued.  "Lily and I will handle the food - I'll discuss that with her tonight - and Fleur, Audrey, you'll work with Katie and Angelina on the decorations and set up.  You'll petition the men for the heavy lifting, of course - chairs, table and whatnot.  You ladies will focus most on the flower arrangements."

She continued to rattle off instructions as she laid out the food on the table.  Then, to Ron's surprise, she started to put on her traveling cloak.

"Mum, where're you -"

"Dinner's all ready for you lot!  Ginny and I are heading over to the Potter's to meet with Lily.  Harry, dear, if your father shows up and brings Sirius along, please mind them and be sure they behave."  She shook her head as she headed for the door with Ginny on her tail, both their arms laden with parchments and magazines.  "Clean up after yourselves!"

"How long will you be?" Ron called after them...but they were both gone with matching pops.  Damnit to hell!  What just happened?

"Did you catch any of that, mate?"  Harry asked laughing.

"Not in the least," Ron mumbled, feeling defeated.  Hermione is going to hex my bollocks for this.

Ron hung around the Burrow for a few more hours, hoping he could catch his mum when she returned, but it was getting late and it was obvious she wouldn't be back anytime soon.  He finally returned to Hermione to explain.  She was understanding.  Disappointed, but understanding.

As the next couple of days passed, however, it was obvious that her patience was faltering.  Tuesday and Wednesday were much the same - after work Ron would go straight to the Burrow and find Molly absent.  She would be either at the Potters planning with Lily, or out on errands for the wedding.  In her wake she left tasks for all to do.

Thursday evening Ron thought he finally had his chance.  Molly was there when he arrived and completely frazzled.

"Mum," Ron said after watching her tut around from the kitchen to the sitting room, fussing over floral arrangements and menus and seating plans.  He grabbed her by her shoulders and gave them a squeeze.  "Mum, you need to take a breath."

To his surprise, it actually worked.  Molly stopped, leaned into her boy's embrace, and took a deep breath.  "There's just so much to do."

"Well, it's a good thing there are so many of us to do it, yeah?"  He felt his mum chuckle and nod.  "Why don't I take you on a walk?  Get some air, step away form this a bit?  I'd really like to have a chat with you anyway."

Molly looked around ready to protest, then looked at her son.  She must have seen the sincerity in his eyes because she immediately melted.  "You're leaving me again aren't you?"

Ron shrugged.  "I honestly don't know for sure yet.  That's why I was really hoping to get just a few moments with you, you know?  We haven't been able to just talk since I've been back."

"Oh, Ronnie you're right!  I'm so sorry!  A walk sounds just lovely, dear.  Let's go now before something demands my attention, shall we?"  She allowed Ron to steer her towards the door and Ron sighed in relief.  

Finally!  

His elation quickly subsided once he realized he didn't actually think about what he was going to say once he finally got the chance.  But, he had to get on with it.  This had gone on long enough.

They started through the garden, Molly holding Ron's arm, and he took a deep breath.

"There's just...a lot's happened this year while I was away that I've been dying to tell you all week."  He paused thinking through exactly how to phrase what he wanted to say and decided to start by telling her about meeting Hermione.

"You see - "

A loud crack was heard from behind them followed by a squeal from Ginny.  "CHARLIE!!!"

Molly dropped Ron's arm and turned on her heel.  "Charlie?  Here?"  She took off back to the house as Ron stood abandoned in the garden.

"Merlin's saggy right - aaarrrrggghhh!"  He pushed his hands through his hair and closed his eyes.  "Charlie has got to have the worst timing EVER!"  Ron blew out a loud huff and rolled his eyes.  

I love my brother.  I missed my brother.  I'm so happy my brother is here.  But did he have to choose this moment???  

He plastered a smile on his face and set off at a jog back to the house, admitting to himself that of course he was actually excited to see Charlie.

[anotherwellkeptsecret]

Alrighty. Time to type up my surgery and recovery experience. 

When I got my pacemaker two years ago, I spent a year (almost exactly) drawing a comic called Change of Pace, which helped me kinda process what happened to me. You can read the comic here if you’re interested. It’s largely all true, aside from the love story part. Tsk.

I don’t think I’m going to be drawing out this experience. It was completely different. I’ve been expecting a surgery of this nature since I was nineteen, when I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. So, in a way, this stint in the hospital was harder, more personal. The pacemaker was an emergency. The colon resection was some time coming. Not as much trauma, really. Not as much confusion about what was happening and why. But I still feel like telling the story, purging it from my mind. 

I was scheduled for surgery on Monday, the 18th of November. I took off work that Friday so I could have my pre-op bloodwork done and I also took off Sunday so I could start the colon prep. If you don’t know what a colon prep is, God bless you. You basically drink a crap ton (lol) of laxative and spend all night pooping until you poop clear. The easiest version is the Miralax version. If you have to have a colonoscopy, ask for the Miralax. I promise, you don’t want the Go-Lightly.

The day before prep, my friend took me climbing in Memphis to keep my mind off of things. We also went to IKEA. It was helpfully distracting. I had Swedish meatballs. 

I was meant to “technically” start the prep at midnight Saturday by not eating anything until surgery on Monday. Beginning to drink the Miralax sometime around noon on Sunday. I didn’t get that far. 

I got righteously sick Saturday night. My back was killing me and I was very nauseous and dizzy. I knew what was going on even before I started throwing up. I had a bowel obstruction. The second one in my life. I’d had one once before in March and jeeze. It hurt like a son of a bitch. I’m not sure if every bowel obstruction feels the same way, but mine certainly did. If you find yourself having these symptoms, please go to the ER. Bowel obstructions are no joke. You can go septic, which is incredibly dangerous. 

Nausea, feeling like you’re going to pass out, vomiting bile, severely upset stomach, cold sweats, and my back was aching something awful. I assume it was because my stomach was cramping so badly, my back muscles were spasming.  

I live with my mother. Have done since I’ve been getting sick so regularly. I woke her up and she took me to the hospital. 

The first time I had a bowel obstruction, I thought something was wrong with my heart. (The cold sweats, the nausea.) They rushed me to the back immediately. This time, I knew it was an obstruction, not my heart, and I said as much. They don’t tend to be in as much of a hurry when you don’t mention your heart. Didn’t realize that. I’m also not entirely sure they were convinced I did have a bowel obstruction. I’m sure plenty of people walk into an ER saying random stuff for random reasons, but yeah. I was very slowly processed. I remember them taking my blood pressure and because it wasn’t high at all, I imagine they thought I was full of shit. Figuratively, not literally. Because I was, literally. Whatever. 

My blood pressure normally runs very low. I can also take a lot of pain, because I’m on a first name basis with pain. They didn’t take my pain seriously because my blood pressure wasn’t high, I guess. Not my fault I’m a badass.

I sat in the waiting room until I started vomiting bile again. I also pooped all over myself in the processes. Which I didn’t think you could do if you were obstructed, but you live and you learn! 

That’s when they got in a hurry. I was making a huge mess. 

They got me a paper gown and I cleaned myself up as best as I could before the CAT scan, which proved I was, in fact, obstructed. 

So there I was, in the ER, very very early on the Sunday morning before my surgery Monday. I was admitted and my doctor contacted. Since the surgery was so close at hand, they agreed it was best to wait until the scheduled time to do the surgery. I’d stopped vomiting so there was no need for an NG tube this time. Those things suck.

Got admitted. Got a room. Tried to sleep. My surgeon came in and we talked. Got everything situated. At one point my mother told me there was a girl down the hall who’d just had a colon resection if I wanted to talk to her. She was sitting int he hallway with her sisters, eating her dinner. Poor thing had been in the hospital for almost a month. 

I spoke with her a bit. I’m not entirely sure what happened. Whether it was nerves or if I was hurting, but I almost passed out in the hallway. I hadn’t experienced anything of that nature since I had my pacemaker put in. The whole point of the pacemaker was to prevent me from passing out altogether. But I didn’t pass out so...I suppose that means it’s working?

I also pooped on myself that night while I slept. First time that’d ever happened. It was then I knew that I’d literally gone as long as I could before I needed surgery. I couldn’t wait any more. I’d been so stressed out over in the idea that I maybe didn’t need the surgery. That I was being pitiful and my case wasn’t that bad. I could tough it out if I really wanted. I realized what a dumbass I was for thinking those thoughts, but hindsight is 20/20. 

Monday dawned and surgery rolled around. Took forever. I was basically watching the clock tick the minutes by until transport fetched me. I was wheeled down to pre-op where they gave me a hair net. I don’t remember getting a hair net for the pacemaker surgery. 

I signed some paperwork and a lady told me she was going to get me ready. She said she was going to give me a nerve block in my stomach. I was like, “Cool, right on.” Until I saw the needle. 

Holy fuck. That needle. 

“You’re going to give me that when I’m asleep, right?”

“I’m going to give you some ‘I don’t care’ juice.” 

“Oh, thank God. I probably won’t remember this then.” 

“Probably not.” 

In went the ‘I don’t care’ juice. I got really dizzy. 

They swabbed my belly with iodine. 

They prepped the needle. 

I was still very much awake. 

I said, “Guys...” Because at this point there were several people standing over me. Like five. “...I’m still cognizant.” 

Yeah, I used the word cognizant. That’s how fucking cognizant I was. 

Not sure if they heard me. Or if they replied. I was really dizzy. 

In went the needle. 

And ow. OW. 

In went the needle again. One stick on each side of my belly. 

The ‘I don’t care’ juice must have been working in some way because while I remember the pain, I don’t remember the panic. I certainly would have panicked if I didn’t have that juice pumping through me. So that was a thing. 

I fell asleep soon thereafter. Couldn’t have been like...a minute earlier? Really? 

I remember waking up in recovery with the pacemaker. I remember the pressure, the nurse asking me questions. I remember being wheeled back to my room. I don’t remember jack shit about recovery after the colon resection. I don’t remember being wheeled back to my room. I apparently asked for my mom, but I don’t remember doing that either. 

I do remember, however, turning over on my side. Because ouch. But I did it anyway and kept doing it because I’m a determined asshole. Monday night was very hazy. I was high as fuck, probably. 

Tuesday: Not a good day. I was in a lot of pain. They gave me hydros, but the hydros weren’t touching it. Felt like I was taking Tylenol. And I have a very very VERY low tolerance for pain meds. They wouldn’t give me any morphine because my blood pressure was too low. (Again, badass?? Maybe?? IDK man my blood pressure just runs really low.) Which makes sense, because that’s dangerous, but I was in agony. I begged for morphine. I pleaded with the nurse to give me morphine. She would not. 

My mother got angry. I’m not one to complain. And my threshold for pain is admittedly pretty stout. I was hurting and no one was doing anything to help. My mother got ANGRY. 

I think they must’ve finally given me some morphine, but I don’t remember. Morphine also didn’t help. Didn’t even make a dent in the pain I was feeling. They kept giving me hydros every couple of hours to no avail. I remember I asked for a heating pad for my back. Barely. The nurse did give me one, but said I could only have it for an hour? Very fuzzy.

The tech forgot to...do something with my catheter because my urine got everywhere. The nurse that found me like that called the floor manager. I hated to, but I did report that my pain wasn’t kept in check. I was hurting so badly I actually reported one of the nurses. The one that wouldn’t give me morphine. I felt horrible about it, but I was also nearly in tears I hurt so bad. 

Hell, the pain was so intense at one point my mother called my family. Like, they thought something was wrong. Very very wrong. The doctor called for some kind of scan while I was in bed. They put a board behind my back. I was writhing, I remember. My family gathered in the hospital to see me in case I had to go back to surgery. In case I wasn’t going to do well. 

It was scary.

The next set of nurses figured out the problem when the scan revealed nothing out of the ordinary. My back was spasming. Horribly. When I sat up and they felt of me, they were shocked to find my back riddled with knots. It felt like knuckles underneath my skin. The new nurses got me some hella icy hot with pain killer and rubbed me down. 

It helped tremendously. My back stopped freaking out, which gave my abdominal muscles time to rest.

At last, I wasn’t hurting. At last, I slept. 

Wednesday and Thursday were spent trying to keep my back under control. At one point I vomited all over my bed due to acid reflux. I paged the nurse to ask for some acid reflux medicine and puked all over the place while I was on the call with her lol.

I never once had any issue with my incision. My entire trouble, the whole time, was from my back. And nausea. And lemme tell ya. Vomiting with a six inch incision on your abdomen? OW.

Getting up and walking? Easy enough. Getting up and going to the bathroom? No problem. Spongebath? Piece of cake. But God my back. 

I managed to poop for the doctors. Fantastic. 

And finally, finally, I got to have food. 

I went from about 5:00PM Saturday to 12:00PM Friday without having anything to eat or drink. I had an IV, and I could eat ice chips if I desperately needed to wet my mouth, but yeah. I hardly had any ice chips. Weird to imagine you can go that long without food and be alright. 

I proved I could eat GI soft food on Saturday and they let me go home.

Got my staples removed the following Tuesday. Had some steri strips applied. Just waiting for them to fall off on their own. 

And here I am. Just lounging, waiting to get my strength back. It’s much easier to draw after this surgery than the pacemaker one. Thank God. I’m slow moving and my stomach hurts a bit when my contents shift, but other than that I’m doing swimmingly. I can’t lift anything over ten pounds until the new year. Not sure when I’ll be able to drive, either. I’ll find out soon. 

This surgery was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Mentally and physically. Mentally because I’ve been struggling with Crohn’s since I was a teenager. I’m 32 now. Half my life I’ve been at war with my own body, drowning in the pain it leashes on itself. It’s been a long road. I hope this spells the end of it. Or at least, the rest of the journey is all downhill.

I’ve lost a lot of weight. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I’ll gain it back. Just takes time.