#I MISS HIM i didn't just lose a romantic interest he was also my only friend besides my roommates in korea lol

[msdk-00]

god when i go into yearning after a failed romantic endeavour im scraping the walls howling at the moon coughing up hairballs like i'm grateful for the experience but the Aftermath of horrific feelings for months and months makes me wanna throw up. i can logically be like it never would've been forever for reason a b and c but still i see their face and wanna delete every social media ever and live in a monastery until i'm normal about them again

[babycharmander]

(BOOK OF BILL SPOILERS)

I just finished reading The Book of Bill and I am kindof losing my mind over some of this stuff.

I had wondered if Alex Hirsch might make Bill sympathetic in some way and oh boy I was not expecting him to do it so successfully (and without cheapening Bill's character).

So, we learn that Bill was born into a 2D world... as a mutant who can see into the third dimension. He claims he was absolutely loved by all, but when talking about his powers, he mentions under Pyrokinesis:

"Cipher, Cipher, he's insane / Starting fires with his brain." The kids in grade school could be so cruel. But where are they now, huh? WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

So probably not quite as liked as he was letting on. To add to that, there's the silly straw page, which looks like silly nonsense until you decipher some of the codes:

"EYE DOCTOR OF A DIFFERENT KIND / WHO WANTS TO MAKE HIS PATIENTS BLIND" "THE DOCTOR SAYS / THREE SIPS A DAY / WILL MAKE THE VISIONS / GO AWAY"

I wasn't sure what this meant until I saw someone point out... he was seeing a third dimension that no one else could see. His parents probably took him to the eye doctor to try to "fix" him. Which, speaking of his eye doctor, the coded message in the section about human eyeballs says something interesting:

"MY OPTOMETRIST NEVER SAW IT COMING"

It could be a joke given beforehand he's talking about dissecting a human eye, but given the previous hints of medical abuse, I wouldn't put it past him that he tried to get revenge on his eye doctor.

Oh yeah and the whole thing about him setting his entire dimension on fire? Yeah it turns out it was entirely a mistake (he just wanted everyone to understand the third dimension he was seeing so they could be free of only two dimensions), he was so traumatized by it he blacks out when trying to recall it. He deeply, deeply regrets it, and...

"What? Your ENTIRE home dimension? destroyed? How? By what?" Bill looked distant, more distant than I'd ever seen him. "By a monster."

He sees himself as a monster.

And yet, he's not some innocent, misunderstood being. He still revels in causing pain and chaos. He's terrible in general, but becomes incredibly abusive toward Ford.

"YOU'RE MY PROPERTY. DON'T FORGET IT. The hillbilly abandoned you, your father won't want you returning without millions, you have no friends, and if you died out here in the snow, who would even miss you?"

Which... speaking of him and Ford...

Yes, yes, I know people ship them. But like, whether you see their relationship as romantic or platonic (I see it as the latter), there's some interesting parallels to be made here.

Both Bill and Ford are mutants who were mocked for their being different. (Bill was not physically a mutant, as far as we know, but more in the sense of him having vision stronger than that of everyone else in his dimension, and also having special powers. And he does describe himself as a mutant.) Both became social outcasts, separated from their families but still haunted by them (Ford seeing commercials of Stan on TV and running across old photos of him and his brother, Bill being haunted by his family in some form). Neither could return home for one reason or another. Both more powerful than their peers (Ford intellectually, Bill in terms of actual powers). Both of them isolated and alone. (Yes, Bill does have the Henchmaniacs, but they seem like shallow friends, and only really seem to follow him out of a desire to have a place to party.)

Ford was not aware of most of this, aside from knowing that Bill could not go home because his dimension was destroyed. But Bill absolutely saw himself in Ford. There was no other person he tried to use whom he felt a stronger connection to.

And he actually seems to care about Ford--he actually gave him a birthday present, and when Ford didn't like it, he decided to get drunk and party with him instead to make up for it.

And then when Ford realizes what Bill's plan actually is and refuses to go along with it, and fights back no matter what Bill does, Bill completely breaks down.

After living for trillions of years, he met someone who was like him, and that person rejected him.

He goes berserk, wreaking havoc, being caught by the dimensional authority that he's been taunting for most of his life.

And then after dying and being cast out of hell for being too annoying, he winds up faced with the Axolotl, who sends him to therapy, where he continues to break down further, sending out the book in a desperate attempt to find someone, anyone who will help him break loose and wreak havoc once again.

"You have no friends, and if you died ... who would even miss you?"

I don't know, Bill. Who would even miss you?

In short,

[ID: The front and back of one of Bill's Valentines cards. On the front is a black void with Bill Cipher lying down without his hat, gazing blankly upwards, with the text "I DON'T WANT TO DIE ALONE" above him. On the back is a simple white "TO/FROM" in red, with a red outline illustration of Bill spontaneously growing a mouth and eating a realistic, bloody heart. /end ID]

[salaimoi]

𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒔: GUYS THIS IS NOT A DRILL!! I finally wrote a fic that isn’t about GOJO?! whaaaaaaat is the world as we know it coming to an end? D:

Past lover Sukuna who originally took no interest in you being his wife, but eventually, your abiding love taught him to do so. But, it was far too late when you established that he was indeed capable of loving someone other than himself. Your demise caused him to lose the individual he held dearest in this world – replacing the affectionate sentiment that had been coursing through his heart with resentment.

Past lover Sukuna who had anticipated your fated return once more since the Heian Era, only for your rebirth to never arrive, even though millennia went by. The benevolent soul he eagerly waited for became ensnared in the depths of the underworld, unable to reincarnate into the mortal world.

Even then, he was more than certain that you weren’t at eternal rest because of the longing, the nostalgia, and the need to be together again that he felt. 

He knew your anima was among the 7 realms somewhere; all he had to do was wait for your return. Heaven could wait as long as it meant laying eyes on that precious face of yours once more.

Past lover Sukuna who noticed the spitting image of his deceased wife walking down the street that fateful day. He couldn’t pass up this opportunity to have you once more in this lifetime as well – even if it was borderline selfish. 

To bring back those good old times; to bring back what was his. 

To hold you. To own you. To conquer you. To possess you. To control your soul. To do whatever he wanted to with you. 

To be with you once again, reverting to a time when he could feel affection – the way he liked best.

Past lover Sukuna who gripped your arm vigorously out of the blue among the crowd, because Sukuna never knew boundaries – not when it came to his beloved. 

“You look familiar,” he said, “not only the uncanny face shape and the exact same expression… but also your scent.” His gaze unrelenting as he scanned every aspect of your being as if you were his property, to make sure it was you – and he was correct. 

You were the same woman Sukuna fell in love with 1000 years ago. Alas, his delicate swan had returned to him after eons of suffering, like he knew you would.

Past lover Sukuna who noticed you squirming under his grip and scolded you, sharp nails digging at your flesh. 

“You shouldn’t be acting like this; it isn’t decent behavior for the reincarnation of my cherished wife to act in such a manner.” 

But you didn't remember a life before this one, nor did you recall his name or even the fact that you were once his most prized possession. 

Past lover Sukuna who waited over a thousand years just for his beloved to reincarnate into a mortal. He knew he wasn’t capable of loving anybody nearly as much as he loved her. And now...now she's back.

When you left this world, you took all – if any – of the sense of compassion he had. No one in the history of sorcerers and curses alike could come close to comprehending the misery he endured with each passing day.

Time and time again, reliving his wife’s death in his subconscious. Powerless to intervene as he witnessed the life drain out of her and transfer onto his fingertips.

“I missed you all those years, and I can't have the same fate happening again. I'm not going to let you die the way you did in your past life, got it?" Never forgetting to conceal the anguish in his words, as to not let himself be too vulnerable.

Past lover Sukuna who was hellbent on evoking in you the sentiment of what it was like to be his spouse. Even if it meant having to recreate every single romantic scenario he ever experienced with you a second time.

“I finally have you with me again. All I need to do is make you remember the feelings you had for me in your previous life, and then you'll have your past self fully restored.”

To you, it would entail falling in love with him all over again; to him, it would be a refresher on what you once shared. A win-win scenario.

Past lover Sukuna who began to notice the essence of that past life slowly merging with your current self, fusing the two identities into one. The love she felt a thousand years ago was slowly reawakening. All while Sukuna stood there in awe of the magnificent sight he was witnessing; the sight of his beloved being reborn again. The reunion of two souls was happening before his eyes, and it was almost emotional to see.

Past lover Sukuna whose heart felt heavy from the weight of joy and relief that he felt. He finally reunited with his once-lost lover. The essence of her former life was fully restored once more as she was standing right next to him. It seemed unreal to see her with his own eyes – his beloved was back, at long last. The eternal years of hardship for the sake of his plan were finally worth it.

Current lover Sukuna whose fingers ran through the locks sprawled over his lap – calming the both of you to no bounds when his fingernails rake through your scalp. His free hand holding onto your wrist tightly, because he had to be sure no one would snatch you from his grasp a second time.

“I missed you so damn much…more than you could ever possibly imagine.”

Current lover Sukuna who finally admitted to his feelings for the first time in millennium, because he missed you more than anything in this infernal world.

Current lover Sukuna who admired you with a soft expression, shocked at how angelic you were even after a thousand years.

“You still look as gorgeous as you did a lifetime ago.” words dripping with genuine adoration as he gazed down at his wife.

Current lover Sukuna who wondered how that was possible in the first place. Surely, granting him access to a companion of your caliber – with such a pure heart and soul – was a mistake of some kind?

Current lover Sukuna who thought, “All is right in this world again.” to himself. Because it was. You were by his side once more – right where you belonged.

[muddyorbsblr]

would've could've should've pt2

See my full list of works here!

Part of the 500 Follower Celebration Requested by: Anonymous

Summary: You and Loki attend an alumni event at your college, hiding in plain sight while on a mission to retrieve information about HYDRA experiments within campus; you cross paths with someone from your past.

Word Count: 6.5k [pace yourself; keep water on standby]

Warnings (spoilers ahead but also you need these): 18+ | heavy themes (retraumatizing; emotional trauma from past relationship; past relationship with severe power imbalance; past relationship involving severely predatory behavior; implied dubcon mentioned in memories); mentions of human experimentation involving drug-induced mental and emotional subjugation; angst; Tony's a-hole tendencies; language [let me know if I missed anything and I'll change it immediately]

Things to be aware of: established relationship; keep the song this is titled after in mind especially "I damn sure never would've danced with the devil at 19"

There'd been a tension between you and Loki ever since that movie night gone wrong where his brother let slip that he was frustrated in his current relationship. At least where physical contact was concerned, or lack thereof. Thor even went so far as to insinuate that Loki doubted his girlfriend even loved him if she wasn't even willing to share her body with him.

The unease was driving the god to the brink of madness, every part of him shaking with the urge to pull you into a room and beg you to tell him what he could do to make things better. He would do just about anything for you, and it pained him to realize that you didn't actually know that.

Perhaps with this new mission that you two were being sent off to, you two could have some much needed time together away from all the noise. And especially away from his brother that thought he knew what was best for him. Thor didn't know a damned thing.

You were best for him. He just needed to be leagues better in showing you that so you could know it as well as he did.

And even though the destination wasn't all that romantic, the god still had a good few tricks up his sleeve that could help him make do with what he had.

"Y/N, quick question about lodging arrangements for your mission with Laufeyson." Loki immediately tuned out all of the other noise around him to listen in on your conversation with the worker from Operations & Logistics. One of the perks he'd found from his Jotun heritage: the enhanced senses that allowed him to eavesdrop even from across the rather spacious room.

"I don't care about the view, Kristy, just stick us wherever," you spoke around the cookie you were munching on.

"Oh, no it's not about the view. You two are booked for a suite, so you'll have a fantastic view of the Hills regardless. Maybe even the Hollywood sign!" She bounded in her spot slightly, clearly excited as she imagined what you'd be seeing from the suite's balcony.

Meanwhile the raven-haired god was already losing himself in the image of sharing some champagne with you, your features illuminated by the city lights. Perhaps stealing multiple kisses through the night.

"I was wondering about the uhh…bedroom arrangements? You want one bedroom or two?"

He was about to speak up, nearly shouting that you only needed a single room with a single bed before you answered, not a single part of you betraying your image of calm consideration. "Two." A pit formed in his stomach as your eyes didn't even dart to steal a glance at him.

"You sure about that, jellybean?" Stark butted in, looking up from his seat at a nearby table with his daughter. "You're supposed to be masquerading as a couple all happy in love and shit."

"Uh huh, sure. In public."

"Alright then. Scenario." He leaned forward on his seat, pointing his writing instrument at you. "Say someone sees you while you're out on the streets, takes an interest in getting photographs of you. You're in Los Angeles, paparazzi's a dime a dozen and some of them know how much pictures of Avengers sell, especially if they look like they're dating. Say our hypothetical pap friend has a telephoto lens that can see into your suite and sees you going into separate rooms. What then?"

You didn't even take a moment to think it over. Instead shrugging and answering him in a perfectly laid back tone, "Couples fight. Paint a smile for the cameras and sleep in separate beds. That's Hollywood, baby."

Loki's pulse thundered in his ears, almost dulling out the way that Stark turned back to his daughter and told her, "You do not ever go to your Auntie Y/N for relationship advice, are we clear?" The little girl only answered her father with a little salute.

Was that what was happening? The tension that ran thick between you two whenever you were so much as in the same breathing space together? Were you fighting?

"Two rooms it is then," the Logistics worker spoke again, tapping away at her tablet before giving both you and Stark a thumbs up, confirming that the reservation had been made.

"Hey, Reindeer Games, jellybean, word of advice? You know, from a friend or colleague or whatever you wanna call me?"

"You're my friend, Stark, I'm Morgan's godmother for fuck's sake," you shot back at the same time that Loki said, "Well an annoyance would be the term I'd use, but go ahead."

"Try to have fun? You're going to your college reunion, Y/N. I'm sure you have some familiar faces you wanna say hi to, reminisce about your random acts of debauchery and dance with like you're 19 again at the club with your fake IDs trying to score some alcohol from the bartender that pretends those cards are legit?" He then turned his focus to Loki. "And you. Try to get some. Unless of course you're still miserably attached to Little Miss Prim and Prissy with a fifty foot pole because she doesn't wanna do the naked tango with you."

"What's a tango?" the smaller Stark queried, looking up from her workbook.

"It's a dance, baby," you answered her, smirking into your drink before you took a sip.

"Naked dancing, Auntie Y/N? I'm confused." The Logistics worker decided to take her leave at this moment, scurrying out of the room with a little nod toward everyone present.

"I know you are, baby." You walked over to her, ruffling her hair before placing a kiss on the top of the little girl's head. "Ask your parents about naked tangos. I'm not gonna be the one to talk to you about the birds and the bees."

"Birds and bees can dance with each other? But isn't a bee too small for a bird?"

"All excellent questions, sweetie." You gave Stark a mischievous look that would have done the god proud had it not been for the knots still sitting heavy in his stomach. "Good luck, Tony. And for the record? I wasn't a party girl in college. Some of us actually had to bury our noses in books and study our way to our degree. We can't all be genius billionaire playboy philanthropists."

"Ah, come on, jellybean, there had to be something you did for fun in college." The way you froze for a fraction of a second didn't go unnoticed by the god, but it seemed to slip past Stark and his daughter all too easily. "Just remember that this shouldn't just be a mission for you, you're gonna be among your old friends. Take a second to...I don't know, mingle. Catch up."

"Stark? The only reason I even agreed to go to the reunion is because of the mission. Our intel found evidence suggesting that HYDRA took over and repurposed a building in my old college and they might be housing volatile maybe even catastrophic kinds of compounds in there, and we're just going for a recon mission. In and out. The only purpose I'd have for mingling is wanting to see who in campus might be involved in the shady shit."

"Fine, whatever floats your boat, Y/L/N. At least go say hi to your old professors, though. Might make their entire year being able to brag to their incoming classes that they once mentored an Avenger back in the day."

For some reason those words from Stark had you freezing up even more, trying to mask it by nodding a little too vigorously before taking a swift leave to the kitchen area, setting your mug down. Loki took that as his opportunity to perhaps have a moment with you before you went off to your apartment for the night. He made his way to you, speaking just barely above a whisper. "Darling, I'm so sorry you had to hear that barb from Stark." His arms ached to simply reach over and pull you into an embrace, the only thing stopping him being the reminder that you both had agreed to keep your current entanglement with one another more private.

But he wanted more than anything to ignore that reminder completely. Especially after looking upon your features and seeing a blank stare of what he horrifyingly recognized as defeat in your eyes.

"It's fine, Mischief," you answered him, your voice monotonous and almost completely devoid of emotion. "He doesn't know he was talking about me. Serves me right anyway. Prim and prissy might as well be tattooed on my forehead."

The god's skin bristled with irritation hearing you repeat the billionaire's words as if you were already accepting of the new unwelcome moniker. "I should have a word with him. Tell him his remarks have the most undesired effect on you. He'll stop, I'm sure of it. Once he knows that it's you. Even be remorseful."

"You tell him and everyone will know," you deadpanned, your face remaining stoic as ever. "He'll tell everyone before the night's over and suddenly what's private isn't so private anymore. Is that what you want?"

He stood silent, staring at you with your blank expression that you'd given him since that disastrous night where Thor made the idiotic remarks that so efficiently drove a wedge between you two. A wedge he somehow didn't know how to dislodge. "I…I simply want for us to be okay."

His heart splintered seeing you give him something between a grimace and a small smile, shrugging before answering in the same flat tone, "Then we're okay."

Then why does it feel as if you're pushing me farther and farther away with every passing day? he wanted to ask you, the words weighing heavy on his tongue as he watched you walk away, back to your apartment. Why does it feel like I've lost you?

The level of guardedness you displayed ever since you stepped foot on your old campus put Loki on high alert. You always exhibited a calculated caution in missions, but this seemed beyond that. There was nothing in your stance that implied your readiness to fight and defend yourself, but rather there was a fear.

A readiness to run. To disappear.

Your shivering in his hold did nothing to convince him of any other explanation. Being here elicited a fear in you that he couldn't comprehend. As if there were ghosts from your past lurking in the shadowy corners of the dimly lit gymnasium.

"Oh my gosh, is that…Y/N?" a high-pitched voice shrieked over the thumping stereo, coming from a rather bubbly looking woman that was bounding toward you, arms outstretched with a wide beaming grin on her face. "I haven't seen you since graduation! Our old profs just can't stop talking about you and how proud they are that they taught an Avenger, they're hoping they get to see you tonight. Get a picture or two." She then turned her attention to Loki, jaw on the floor when he saw his arm gently wrapped around you. "Are you two--?!"

"Ohh! Uhm…no." You worked your way out of Loki's hold to give the woman a friendly embrace before turning back to face him. "Loki, this is Bianca, we shared a good number of classes together. Bianca, this is Loki, my uhh--" Your voice caught in your throat trying to find a word to describe the god.

I'm yours, little mortal. Plain and simple, he wanted to tell you, regardless of present company.

"We work together," you told her, the words worsening the sinking feeling that he had in his stomach. "Work's been a little slow lately so Stark assigned me to show him around and expose him to what a former college girl's life is like."

"College girl? You?" The woman burst into a fit of giggles. "Y/N you were many things when we roamed these halls, but you were more a mini professor than anything. I never once even saw you step foot at a frat party or a club…you were always just hanging out with--"

"You know what, you're absolutely right," you cut her off, your voice louder than normal even with the thumping music surrounding you all. "Loki, maybe you'd be better suited to learn from my old friends. Go off with Bianca, she and the other girls can't possibly steer you wrong."

The god's blood ran cold as your words hit him. He felt as if you were steering him away from you for more than just this moment. As if your sentiment held a poorly veiled secondary sentiment, pushing him away from you so that he could pursue someone else with your blessing.

He did his best to put on a casual smile, to politely decline your offering of your old campus friend. "I accompanied you to learn from you, little mortal," he spoke over the music, reaching for your hand and lacing his fingers between yours. "I wish to stay with you. You cannot rid yourself of me that easily."

"I'm not ridding myself of you, Mischief," you shot back, your friend's eyes darting rapidly between the two of you before slowly stepping away. "It's more of the other way around. We both know that I'm holding you back, so here's your exit--"

"I don't want an exit, Y/N, I want you," he insisted through gritted teeth, fighting every urge to lead you both into a more secluded corner so you could talk this out without having to shout just so you could hear each other. "I wish to be with you, regardless of--"

"Well as I live and breathe, that's a face I didn't think I'd see again." Your eyes widened hearing the voice of the man that approached you next, your pulse beating so furiously that Loki could see it pumping against your neck.

This was definitely not one of your former classmates. The man was middle-aged, his hair obviously colored to mask the silver that was peeking through at the roots as well as his eyebrows. He did what he could to dress himself in line with what was considered stylish but so clearly missed the mark. And emphasizing his age further was the clearly decades younger woman he had as his companion, looking as if she belonged in his classroom rather than in his bedroom.

"Prof--Professor Richardson," you stammered, the breathy almost fearful tone in your voice immediately putting the god on high alert. "Bianca m-mentioned you and the other guys were here tonight."

"Oh, come on Y/N it's been years since you had yourself folded into those awkward armchairs, there's no need to be so formal with me. Please, call me Simon. In fact, I should probably be a touch more formal with you, considering that one of my favorite students is now my favorite Avenger." His eyes quickly darted to the god's. "No offense, dude. You're pretty great, too. There's just something about those spandex suits, you know?"

You gripped Loki's hand tighter for a fraction of a second as the man's eyes roamed your form unabashedly, the spiteful jealousy from his companion written all over her face.

He didn't wait for you to introduce him again as someone you simply 'worked with', choosing to speak up to hopefully soothe your very obvious unease. "I must agree with you there, Y/N quite a remarkable agent." He extended his hand out toward your professor. "I'm Loki. Y/N's boyfriend."

Your breath caught in your throat in a strangled sound at the word, looking up at the god with wide eyes before trying to compose yourself again. Before you could speak, however, Simon did.

"Well if she's as remarkable a girlfriend as she was a student, then you have yourself a real catch right here. You're quite the lucky man--god, I mean." The woman next to him cleared her throat conspicuously loudly, the tail end of it sounding more like a muffled shriek, calling Simon's attention to her. He eyed her with a bit of irritation before turning back to you. "Oh where are my manners? This is Deena. I'm her thesis advisor for her graduating year."

"Oh…that's…" You were quite clearly struggling to form words. You addressed the student instead, your eyes quickly darting to the way she gripped her professor's arm so tightly before looking back at her. "Wow. You're quite the lucky young lady. Professor Richardson mentioned back then that he rarely took on the role of advisor. I'm sure your proposal was nothing short of remarkable."

The student offered you a tight smile in response, opening her mouth to speak before your former professor perked up again. "In all these years, nobody still quite measures up to you, though, Miss Y/L/N. Oh, sorry. Agent Y/L/N." He shifted his gaze to address the god once more. "It was a bleak day when I had to give her her final grade for her final course with me."

He reached his hand out toward you which you took with a slight tremor in your fingers. Loki way too easily heard the gasp that slipped out of you when Simon took your hand in both of his, pressing a lingering kiss to the back of your fingers.

"I hope to see you around some more while you're in town, Y/N." The way he rolled the syllables of your name, like he was savoring a taste on his tongue, didn't sight right with the Asgardian. He was the only one that could speak your name like that. At least…he hoped he still could.

"Yeah…s-sure," you mumbled, jerking your hand out of the professor's hand, subtly wiping the back of it on your skirt when you smoothed your hands over your dress. "En--Enjoy the rest of your night, Simon. Deena." You nodded your head at both of them before walking away abruptly, inadvertently towing Loki behind you.

As you put more distance between you and your former professor, the god heard a muffled sentiment from Simon to his companion. "Of course not, sweet thing, you know you're the only one for me."

There weren't many things that could catch the god off guard, but hearing those words from your former professor sent a slight chill down his spine, the confirmation of his initial suspicions written in black and white. Making him wonder now what your true history with the man that put both of you at a state of unease was.

"Darling, are you alright?" He held you closer to him as the crowd became denser, too many people surrounding you and pushing against you as you moved. "You're cold."

"I'm fine." He could barely hear you over the speakers. "I just need some air, I can barely hear myself think in here."

He didn't need to be told twice; this type of environment wasn't agreeable with him, either. Once you'd both stepped through the doors of the gymnasium and the air no longer tasted of alcohol and sweat, he pulled you into his arms, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.

"What was that for?" you breathed out, the dazed tone of your voice making him hold you just a touch tighter.

He hadn't the full picture of what had your fight or flight kicking in to an extent he'd never seen on you before, but he held faith that when you were ready, you would tell him. For now, he would do what he could to at least ease your discomfort.

"Can I not simply wish to hold you, my love?"

You briefly wrapped your arms around him, returning his embrace before you took a step away from him, smoothing your hands over your dress once more. "Come on. I wanna find the lab and be done with this mission. Get back to New York sooner rather than later and all that."

His heart splintered even worse in his chest, his suspicion that your stepping away from him was more than simply physical now. That the last fortnight that he'd spent sleeping in his own apartment devoid of the simplest pleasure of having you in his arms as he slept through the night would be how he'd be spending the rest of his nights moving forward. He was at a loss for what he could do to somehow amend your relationship moving forward short of locking you both in a room and offering an ultimatum.

Tell him how he could fix the rift that was caused by Thor's callous words, or tell him that what he feared had finally found its way into your reality. Tell him that there was nothing he could do to mend the damage and that things were truly over between you.

"As you wish, little mortal."

You led him through a search that was guised as an inebriated tour through your alma mater, going through each building with information that you'd either gathered there from firsthand experience from your college years, or from information you amassed looking through testimonials of various alumni.

"Ooh! Come on, I wanna show you something that might just make you proud." You made an entire performance of stumbling toward the god and reaching for his hand, guiding him with carefully choreographed steps backwards with a few planned near slip-ups where you seemed to trip on air and almost fall bum first onto the floor before catching yourself at the last second.

"Don't you know well enough by now, darling, that you constantly impress me?" he shot back at you with a chuckle, fighting every urge to lose himself in the ruse you were both putting on. He wanted more than anything to have this be akin to those films that your fellow teammates were so fond of watching, where the couple would find an empty classroom and proceed to kiss and paw at each other like animals in heat.

He'd found those scenarios so trite before, but he found himself admitting that he was more than open to the idea if the opportunity presented itself with you. He would be willing to do just about anything with you at his side.

"Come on, Mischief," you sing-songed, giggling your way to the heart of one of the buildings dedicated for the science-centric curriculum. "I'm taking to to the lab where we used to brew our own beer. Mix our own booze. You're gonna love it, it's like we were witches brewing potions in here--"

You play-acted your way to stumbling through the double doors of the laboratory, only to be met with resistance and the visual of a thick chain wrapped around the door handles. Immediately you righted your stance, the god signaling to you that he'd taken care of the security cameras. He'd chosen to feed them footage of the two of you indulging in one of those slightly risqué scenarios in the corridor.

With a wave of his hand, the chains materialized on the floor by Loki's feet, and you pushed the doors open to reveal exactly what you'd been looking for. The tables were littered with documents and notes that were watermarked with HYDRA's sigil, each designated work station housing its own compound that when put in the wrong hands, could be utilized in the most sadistic manners.

You went on to look into the filing cabinets that held more research reports while he rounded the table that held the compound surrounded by the most amount of notes scribbled on to the logo-branded papers. He felt the bile rising steadily up his throat at the findings.

Subjects that are exposed to this compound even in its aerated form will feel an intense emotional attachment to the closest set of pheromones within their vicinity, enslaving them to the holder for an indeterminate amount of time. Potency strengthens if the compound is ingested. Theoretically catastrophic potency if somehow introduced directly into subject's bloodstream. Effects inconclusive if holder severs the emotional attachment before the compound has had a chance to be flushed from subject's system, but theoretically, the more potent the remaining dosage that is yet to be metabolized, the more catastrophic the aftermath.

"Darling, they might be experimenting on these students," Loki said grimly, rushing over to you the moment he spotted how much paler your knuckles became from how hard you were gripping the countertop. "What's wrong?"

"There are reports dating back to before you even got to Earth," you told him, the shakiness of your tone at its worst as you tried to speak through the tears bubbling up inside you. "Back to when I was still here."

He thumbed through the report that you were perusing and had to fight every urge to set fire to the entire operation and lay waste to the names that he'd found on the user tests. The most frequent one being the man that he had the displeasure of meeting earlier, Simon Richardson. "These other names, were they your other professors?" You only nodded. He didn't know whether to be relieved or even more horrified realizing that the subject names were kept confidential, hidden under monikers such as "Subject 12-29-A", "Subject 12-29-B" and so forth.

"I think the first number's the year. 12 is 2012. And the second number might be a batch number." You took a few deep breaths before straightening your stance and looking for the nearest computer, fiddling with the comms bracelet that Shuri had equipped you with before you left New York. "Shuri, are you there?"

"I am here, I am here. How is the college party? I have never actually been to one since--"

"Since you're so smart you should probably be teaching these classes, I know I know." A bit of your liveliness came back speaking with the young genius. Loki could even hear a slight smile in your voice. "Could you pull off a remote duplication? I wanna get these experimentation reports to you guys so that we can already start on next moves before Laufeyson and I even get back to New York."

"Does the sun rise in the East, my friend?" The Wakandan princess began to laugh from her end of the call, the sound filling the room. "Put your bracelet near the device and let me do my magic." You did as she instructed, holding your wrist near the computer's power source and a few short moments later, she spoke again. "All done. We will see you when you get back."

"Thanks, Shuri. We'll wrap it up here. I'll see you guys in the morning."

As you shut off your comms and both of you proceeded to place things back exactly where you found them, ensuring that you lessened your chances of HYDRA suspecting anyone had rifled through their research, there was yet another thought that led to a pit forming in Loki's stomach.

What if one of the test subjects in those reports was you?

Loki laid awake, restless, in bed since you both got back to your suite, doing his best to somehow induce slumber upon himself so that he wouldn't have to fight against his mind wandering back to those reports, wondering if one of the subjects that was detailed within those pages could be referring to you. As well as fighting against the parts of him that feared you were pushing him away, forcing his hand into letting you go even if that was the last thing he would ever wish to do.

He had to make a note to give that oaf Thor a swift stab for so thoroughly jeopardizing what could have possibly been the best thing to happen to him. He was more than content with you, he was happy. He could picture what a future with you would be like.

And yes, it would be nice if your relationship would have a physical aspect to it, but that was no dealbreaker for the god. He didn't need it right this second, and for you, he would wait until you reached that level of comfort with him. At your own pace.

He would wait. Even if it meant he waited forever.

Yet here you both were now, sleeping in separate beds in separate rooms all because you believed that he would be better off with someone who had no compunctions on disrobing with him at a moment's notice. He could already feel you slipping away despite how desperately he tried to hold on to you.

The sound of your unrest had him sitting up on his bed, a series of whimpers and cries being heard from your bedroom. What got him darting out and bursting through your door, however, was your scream of "Please no I've been good to you! Why would you do this to me?!"

In a heartbeat he was by your side, cradling you against his chest and trying to wake you from your nightmare. "Shh shh, little mortal, you're safe, please wake up."

"I never told a soul I don't even look at you when there's other people please don't leave me," you kept whimpering, your words hitting the god like bullets straight to his heart. Were you having a nightmare about him?

"I'm here, my love, please. I'm not going anywhere just please wake up," he pleaded desperately, rubbing his hand up and down your back as he pressed multiple kisses to your templed. "I'm here I'll never leave you. Please darling, I love you."

You finally began to breathe a bit slower in his arms, moving so that you were looking up at him with red-rimmed eyes. "Loki?"

Had he been on his feet, the sight of you so distraught would have brought the god to his knees. "Oh my sweet mortal." He cupped your face, wiping your tears away before he pressed a kiss between your brows. He wordlessly maneuvered you into his arms so that he could carry you out of bed and into the kitchen area, fetching you a glass of water.

"I can't--" You sounded as if you were trying to speak through a lump in your throat, more tears falling from your eyes. "I can't talk about--"

"No, darling, it's alright." He placed his hands on your shoulders, trying to guide you into evening out your breaths. "You don't need to tell me anything you're not ready to."

"I want to," you insisted, keeping your eyes glued to the floor, refusing to meet his gaze. "I just--I can't bring myself to say the words, but I need you to know…why. Why I can't--" You cut off with a squeak, gripping the sides of your stool so tightly he feared the metal would start hurting you, so he took them into his hands instead. "Why I can't be with you…physically."

"Darling, please I've told you I don't need--"

"No, you should know. I…I need you to know. I just can't…articulate the words." You started breathing the same way that you would when you would run with the rest of the team, as if your body was compensating for lack of oxygen the best it could. Or as if you were preparing yourself for something particularly uncomfortable. "But I can show you."

"Y/N what are you--"

"I want you to look into my memories. I want you to see. And understand what I can't tell you with words."

He framed your face with his hands, urging you to look at him before he followed through with your request. "Are you absolutely certain, my love?" You just stared at him with your red-rimmed tear-stricken eyes, the surrender and pain in them breaking his heart more than your stoic monotonous attitude from the past weeks ever could. He pressed another kiss to your forehead. "Alright."

He pulled up a seat close to yours, bracing himself for what he would find once he entered your memories. He was terrifyingly right to have done so, because the moment he was hit with the torrents of memories, he would have been brought to his knees had he been upright.

You're such a bright young lady. Such a shame that your peers refuse to see that. How about we grab a cup of coffee? Enjoy it in the faculty area? It'll be way more comfortable than sitting on the floor for the next three hours.

I was supposed to have dinner with some of the other professors but the weather in their area has them stuck at home. Would you like to join me instead? It'd be a shame for the reservation to go to waste.

Loki had to fight back the urge to retch as the visual of Simon Richardson leaning in to kiss you hit him next. And the distant attitude that he extended to you the following day on campus as you crossed paths in the hallway.

It won't be wise for us to be seen together or else people are going to start suspecting something going on. I'll get into trouble, just because we love each other. Of course I love you, silly sweet thing, you're the only one I've ever felt this way for.

He saw multiple occurrences of the professor dropping your hand the second someone even unfamiliar to either of you rounded the corner, a guilt eating away at him as he realized he'd done the same thing with you. He simply didn't want you to have to be exposed to the judgment from the team for being involved with him.

Nobody can know. It has to be our little secret. You understand, don't you? How about we go away somewhere for the weekend? Just you and me? Somewhere where we can actually be a couple. Do couple things. We could walk around and hold hands without being scared of getting caught. I could kiss you whenever and wherever. We could just be…us.

Loki wanted more than anything to look away from the memories of your first night with Richardson. From the way that he was so careless with your body, so ignorant of your pleasure and yet he mumbled empty sentiments of love all throughout the night, insisting that he loved you despite his eyes staying empty. Calculating.

And just a few short weeks after that, and a few more nights spent at his place, you went to campus one morning. And he'd begun to go out for coffee with another student. Someone from the batch of freshmen that had just come in. Your messages went unanswered, your calls were met with the generic voice message prompt.

He discarded you once he had what he desired from you, and foolishly concluded that he could do better.

As if there was anyone better.

When he opened his eyes, his vision was blurred from his own tears, the guilt steadily wearing him down as your explanation hit him as if they were bricks being catapulted his way. Was this the reason you were so hesitant to share his bed? You were afraid that once he claimed your body, he would replace you with another?

Your words from two weeks ago haunted him. If you want to be with someone else, just promise me you'll tell me and leave me first.

"My love," he choked, pulling you into a tight embrace. "I could never do something so vile. Not to you. Never to you. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," you answered weakly, your sniffles breaking him even more. "You didn't know." You made a motion to move out of his arms, the fear seeping into him again that you were going to completely pull away again, making him hold on to your hands tightly. Desperately. "Come on, we have to get some sleep. We're going back to New York in the morning."

"Do you wish to be alone?" He could barely form the words, desperately pleading silently for you to allow him to stay with you tonight.

"No," you confessed, shifting nervously where you stood. "But I don't want you to feel obligated because of what you saw--"

"I won't leave you." The words came out of him in a rush, his lips quivering as he pressed a kiss to your forehead again, trying to calm himself. Trying his best not to march his way back to campus and personally see to it that that wretched excuse of a man not only paid for what he'd done to you, but ensure that he would never do this to another innocent unsuspecting woman ever again.

Trying to remind himself that his need to ensure that you were alright at this moment was greater than his desire to have Simon Richardson's head on a spike.

"You say that now, but we know that one day you're going to be tired of waiting. You have needs--"

"I need you more. I want you more," he insisted, burying his nose in your hair, your presence keeping him grounded. "I promised you I would spend my days proving my devotion to you. I more than intend to keep this promise. I am yours, precious little mortal." He kissed a path to your ear. "All I want at this moment is to stay with you tonight. Let me hold you. Let me try to fight your night terrors away."

It was as if a weight was lifted off his chest when you wordlessly nodded, wrapping your arms around his neck and letting him carry you back to your bedroom.

Loki held you through the night, relieved that you didn't stir in his arms or show any sign that you might have fallen into another nightmare. However, the god was now haunted by a memory of his own. One from the first few days of your relationship.

Darling, I think it best that perhaps…we don't tell the others quite yet that we've become involved. Grant ourselves the privacy that they won't.

His own words echoed in his mind, taunting him of the monumental mistake he'd made asking you to agree to such selfish terms. How he enforced that agreement by committing actions that eerily echoed the very memories that haunted you now.

He remembered the look in your eyes when he uttered those words, asking you to aid him in hiding your relationship away from the rest of the team. When he closed his eyes he could see the crestfallen expression on your face so vividly, making him despise himself for ever causing you to mar your features with that pain you tried to hide from him.

And finally…the realization that gutted him. You never agreed to those terms. All you said in response was "That makes sense".

You simply surrendered.

"I'm so sorry, my darling mortal," he spoke into the darkness, holding you just a fraction tighter, fearing that if he let go even in the slightest, you might slip away from him. "I'll make things better. I will do right by you, I swear it."

A/N: Lemme just…slide a dagger Loki's way real quick. 😤😤

And lemme offer this as my apology for this chapter…

I can promise u that Simon will get what's coming to him in the final part of this story. And I can promise that Loki will in fact make things right with his bb 🥺🥺

'everything' taglist: @simplyholl @loopsisloops @imalovernotahater @coldnique @loz-3 @huntress-artemiss @salempoe @vickie5446 @athalialaufeyson @lokiprompts @kats72 @kikster606 @asgards-princess-of-mischief @lokixryss @thomase1 @mischief2sarawr @lovingchoices14 @lunarnights95 @goblingirlsarah @iamlokisgloriouspurpose @creationsbyme @maple-seed @mjsthrillernp @ladyofthestayingpower @mygfloki @sititran @glitterylokislut @ozymdias @fictive-sl0th  @lokidbadguy @mochie85 @silverfire475 @joyful-enchantress @elizabethmidnight2017 @holdmytesseract @smolvenger @gigglingtiggerv2 @lokidokieokie @superficialdomina @kmc1989 @november-rayne @goddessofwonderland @buttercupcookies-blog @peaky-marvel @lokiified @tom-hlover @dryyoursaltyoceantears @cabingrlandrandomcrap

[galedekarios]

good day! thank you for beautiful visuals and metas of Gale, its great to find fans who care about him so! You got me thinking - for a character so romantic, so delighted to be in love Gale knew little about it with Mystra. He spoke about being her lover like it was a highest honor, losing her favor, being cut off described as fate worse than Netherese Orb itself. Gale agrees to die for her forgiveness no questions asked. All this while he realises deep down even through it was voiced later - he was her plaything, another mortal falling under her spell, no love requited ever could be there, gods don't feel it. It's very sweet and a little heartbreaking, how open and smitten he can be if romanced, how happy he becomes loving and being loved in return.

thank you for your wonderful and very sweet message, anon. 🖤 i really do appreciate it.

yes, that is everything that i find very touching about gale's romancce.

to me, gale is someone who hasn't truly known what love is yet. he has known worship and obedience, wonder and pleasure. i think, considering how young he was when mystra came into his life, it's perhaps no surprise at all that once their relationship changed, he may have thought it was love between them. it was most certainly for him. in fact, i do remember a particular line from early access that always stuck with me and truly showed the imbalance at work here:

Player: What did Mystra’s attention feel like? Gale: Love. 

and

Player: Teacher’s pet, was he? Gale: He fancied himself much more than that. He fancied himself favoured above all others. Perhaps it was not quite love, but you see, the wizard was but a very young man. It was most certainly love to him. Mystra showed him the secrets behind the veils. The gossamer veils first, draped across the Weave. The delicate veils next, draped across her body. ‘Chosen One’ she whispered, as she slipped them off completely.

and even now, in the full release version of the game, that sentiment still lingers. he wasn't just her chosen, he was her lover - and we learn throughout the game what love truly entails for gale: heart, mind, body and soul.

Gale: I'm many things to many people, but I'm never a man to throw the l-word around lightly. I said exactly what I meant: I love you. You should never, never doubt that. - Gale: We didn't just make love. We bonded, body and soul. I got lost in you.

with mystra casting him away, he not only lost his power, his status, but also one of his most central relationships with the goddess who was his teacher, mentor and love all at once, all at the same time.

but we also know that he had relationships before mystra and before the protag:

Gale: No, you are not the first. Though you are the first since my relationship with Mystra came to its ignominious end.

i think this quote is just so interesting, especially if you pair it with:

Gale: To know you love me for the man I am, and not the magic I command... None have loved me so purely before.

and:

Player: I love you. But for the man that you are. Not the god you'd pretend to be. Gale: But think what I offer. The vastness of eternity to explore, the Weave at our fingertips... You would really prefer me as I am? Node Context: Genuine, vulnerable - the player just told him they loved him in a way that no one else has

so whatever these relationships before were, it's clear that something was missing from them for gale. something that gale sorely needed.

all of these little puzzle pieces combine to a larger whole of why we find gale as he is when we meet him in the story: someone who very much is struggling to find any worth in the person that he is outside of what he can provide to be useful.

Gale: Let me make myself indispensable. - Gale: I'm indispensable, aren't I? - Gale: My best is yours. - Gale: Please - continue to believe in me. I want to show you the wizard I am capable of being, rather than the poor excuse for a man who's kept you company thus far.

there are so many more of these, following the same vein, even in act iii.

gale is only now learning how to be loved, how to allow himself to be loved, and under that continuous reaffirmation given by the protag, he opens up to it, strains towards it, like a flower to the sun.

Gale: You truly are a soul that steels my own. From all my new-rallied heart I thank you. I stand at a precipice, but if you do not give up hope, neither shall I. I'll fight, I'll resist - as long as I can. - Gale: You give me hope, and I've not had that in some time. - Player: How are you feeling? Gale: Worried, if I'm being honest. I have so much to live for - more than I thought I'd have again, after Mystra. - Gale: It's been so long since I used it. Gale Dekarios cuts a poor figure next to the wizarding prowess of 'Gale of Waterdeep'. Player: Gale Dekarios. I think I like him more. Gale: You like so many things about me I'd have sooner discarded... Your generosity is quite wonderful. - Gale: You see me as I am, and do not find me wanting.

he still has a very long way to go, to heal, it's not a process that's completed by the time his quest is completed or the game ends - and depending on your protag, they too have things that still weigh heavy on them as well - but it's a beginning.

[my-mt-heart]

Day 2 of "what the hell is going on with TBOC's promo," which is kind of a rhetorical question because I'm pretty sure we're witnessing a duel between two opposing marketing strategies again. I wish AMC would just put their foot down already and tell the dudes trying to ruin everything for Melissa and the fans to sit in the corner and stfu because the whiplash is not serving anyone, especially not two weeks before the premiere. Let's look at these bios...

Carol’s bio really does capture the true nature of what Daryl means to her and it gives her a strong emotional drive for her journey in S2. I think it also could've touched on her dealing with the trauma of losing Sophia all those years ago to round out her arc, although I'd argue that even that isn't separate from finding Daryl seeing as though that loss "ignited" their "unbreakable bond" in the first place. In any case, I like Carol's bio a lot and I have no doubt Melissa's performances throughout the season will bring it to life. Whether or not Zabel's writing can live up to it is a post for another day (Notice that the word "friend" did not come up once? That's how you know Zabel didn't get final approval on this one). Here's the thing about soulmates, though. If one feels that deeply connected, the other should too. If one of their stories gets damaged, the other's does too and that's what's bothering me right now. We should see their soulmatism reflected in Daryl's story as well, but we don't and without that mirroring, both his and Carol's journeys just feel sad.

Long before the promo circuit for TBOC started, I was worried that we wouldn't get to see Daryl fighting to get home to Carol (specifically), catch glimpses of him missing/thinking about her (specifically), or feel that spiritual connection that Carol does and this bio does absolutely nothing to alleviate my worries. This makes it sound like Daryl is going to be solely focused on whatever is going on in France until Carol arrives and even then, I worry about how he'll interact with her (thanks again for your unthoughtful analysis on that, Zabel). Similar to how Daryl has been taken hostage by the French characters, albeit through gaslighting, it feels like he has also been taken hostage by Zabel, Nicotero, and other men in charge who desperately want to use him as a stand-in for the generic, emotionally unavailable action hero that male viewers are supposed to identify with and/or aspire to. They won't let him be the character many of us were drawn to in the flagship show: the unconventional hero who's loyal to his family and falls in love "forever" with one woman (Carol). Like I said yesterday, "loyal" Daryl is the only Daryl I recognize and the only Daryl I want to watch, so it needs to be explicitly clear where Daryl's heart lies. We need to see that Carol is his first and only choice and we also need to see that Daryl has no romantic interest in Isabelle. That's the other problem...

Without Daryl's and Carol's bios mirroring each other as they should, Carol and Isabelle get framed as opponents in a quest for Daryl's heart, which is completely unnecessary, gross, and straight out of the "book of TV tricks" Zabel claims not to use. Daryl and Carol have 11 seasons of chemistry to capitalize on. Caryl's romance is the only one that's been earned, the only one I'm invested in, and the only one that needs payoff. Clemence is an extremely talented actress whose portrayal of a nun could've added something really fresh to the story, but having her catch "feelings" for Daryl after knowing him only a few months and question her long-standing faith of over a decade not only paints her as a weak woman whose weak principles are no match for a man's charm(?), but also glosses over the string of lies and emotionally manipulative plays she made against Daryl in S1. Isabelle's character has become nothing more than Zabel's and Nicotero's seriously problematic projections of what defines a woman, and I don't want it. It's an insult to Clemence, to Caryl's bond, to Daryl's history of childhood abuse, and to fans who have also suffered through CA or DV. So believe it or not, retconning her as a "former" nun all of a sudden does absolutely nothing to make this forced romance less abhorrent, AMC.

If the last couple of days have proved anything, it's that Daryl's and Carol's show needs a female showrunner who understands how to write not only complex female characters like Carol (and like Isabelle could have been), but complex male characters who don’t fit the dudebros’ definition of what makes him masculine or heroic. That's what Caryl, Melissa, and the fans deserve. They deserve a successful show and promo that gets everyone excited instead of confused and anxious. I enjoyed the clip of McReedus discussing the scene where Carol flirts with Daryl on top of the bus in S3, I liked hearing them confirm that Daryl's reaction was due to trauma and not lack of desire. I wish AMC would let them do the heavy lifting instead of trying to placate three EPs who keep self-sabotaging (seriously, you don't need all of them hogging the mic and spewing nonsense at Palyfest/NYCC). I don't appreciate being given consolation prizes (today's video, Carol's bio, yesterday's poster) after being kicked in the teeth. It says a lot about what I can expect from the season, which isn't very encouraging. It just means AMC is still trying to make everyone happy and will end up making no one happy and potentially ruining two iconic characters in the process.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

Bless you for creating this blog, because I need to VENT

(obligatory not all Zutarians who want to enjoy their fics and arts in peace. you guys are cool and chill.)

Isn't it so interesting transparent and sad that every Zutarian critical analysis about "making the show better" is just about making Aang suffer more, and Zuko look good?

Katara should have kept her burn scars, because Aang needed to understand the consequences of his actions!

Right. Because immediately apologising, and becoming so guilty he doesn't fire bend for 2 seasons doesn't show remorse.

Aang should have given up his attachment to Katara to become a fully realised Avatar, otherwise he doesn't sacrifice anything! That would have been narratively satisfying!

Right. Because LOSING HIS ENTIRE CULTURE AND EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED isn't a "sacrifice". Which he will never get back. He'll have to live with the tragedy of being the last Airbender forever.

It's SO interesting how Zuko literally gets everything he wanted- locking up Ozai forever, getting a new father figure in Iroh, becoming Firelord, being with the woman he loves, finding his mother, even finding a new sister who adores him. His ONE tragedy is Azula, and even then she's hopefully on a journey of redemption.

But somehow that's not the "perfect ending" for Zuko. Nope, the only narratively satisfying ending is if Katara falls over to suck Zuko's dick.

So Zuko doesn't sacrifice anything permanently, and he literally gets everything he ever wanted. Aang will never get back what he lost, but apparently he has to give up Katara too. Funny how that works. Can you make your seething resentment any more obvious?

It's also amazing to me that so called Katara stans NEVER think about how KATARA would feel if Aang lost his romantic attachment to her. Girl hugged him several times, kissed him on the cheek and lips, blushed around him, threatened to murder Zuko if he hurt Aang...she was not subtle. But apparently no one cares about Katara's feelings.

Also, how GUILTY would Katara feel if Aang had to sacrifice his romantic attachment to become the Avatar? Do you think she'd be happy he had to sacrifice love for duty? Which BEST FRIEND would be okay with this situation? Even Sokka and Toph would be outraged.

If my best friend and fellow genocide survivor had to sacrifice his romantic attachment for duty, I'd be so mad I would murder Ozai myself. Yes, even if I didn't love him back, because HE'S MY BEST FRIEND. Nobody would even be able to find the body.

Katara and Zuko should have gotten together, that would have fully represented the themes of balance and redemption in the show!

FFS THERE IS A RELATIONSHIP THAT REPRESENTS THESE THEMES! IT'S ZUKAANG! SORRY YOU WERE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THE SHOW!

Sorry, Sokka. Your relationship with Suki is toxic, because she's from the Earth Nation. You need to break up immediately. Better go find a nice firebender to have children with! Zukka anyone??

Did they miss the part when Uncle Iroh said, "Understanding others, the other elements, and the other nations will help you become whole."

Or the Guru when he said, " Even the separation of the four elements is an illusion. If you open your mind, you will see that all the elements are one. Four parts of the same whole. "

AKA "balance" is when we learn from all 4 elements and grow as a person!!! It's got nothing to do with love!

BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T BE REDUCED TO THEIR ELEMENTS! THAT'S THE THEME OF THE SHOW!

Sorry, Katara. You represent water, and Zuko represents fire, so you have to marry each other for "balance". It's in the rules. How convenient.

Even though Aang is ALSO a fire bender, so marrying him would also represent "balance". But he doesn't count because he's not hot and sexy like Zuko with his anime hair.

sidenote - Aang is so hot. With his muscles , grey eyes, and his off-shoulder fit? Divine. Zutarians who think Aang isn't sexy have no taste.

sorry for the extremely long rant. I just couldn't take Zutarians and their "atla-critical" analysis anymore. It's the self-righteousness that gets me.

They can't just say, I love Zutara together because I like their dynamic. Instead they have to write long metas justifying why their ship is the "only one that strenghens the themes of the show" and Kataang / Maiko "weakens the narrative" and other bs.

thanks for this space, this was cathartic.

You're welcome, anon 💖

[fanfictionstuff]

Can you do a Hanahaki disease with Ego Jinpachi? Maybe the reader has the disease? But with a happy ending because I don't want to cry lmao

Ego Jinpachi x Reader

Okay, so I know people have strong opinions about Ego, I gotta say, I find him attractive

I guess kind of OOC

TW: death? But not really because it's a happy ending

The first petal was confusing: an odd tickle in your throat leading to a horrible coughing fit. “_____, go drink some water,” Jinpachi had casually said, eyes locked on the screens. You pulled your hand away from your mouth and glanced down to see what had caused the odd tickle. A white and pink petal. You stared at it, trying to wrap your head around it. Why would a petal be in your throat? Have you eaten something with real flowers?

The next ones came when you offered Jinpachi something to eat, something you had cooked. He didn't even face you when he told you he didn't want it, but you still left it on the desk. Anri can just get rid of it if he doesn't eat it. As you stepped out of the room, another tickle in your throat, this time three petals. Same color as the first. It's what confirmed it. Then, as if the flowers themselves weren't bad enough, you used an app to identify them. Striped carnations- their meaning is rejection. Fitting.

The following few times, Anri was nearby, too, her big brown eyes full of concern as she questioned if you were sick. You coughed the petals into your hands and stuffed them into your jacket pocket. "No, just a tickle in my throat." You shrugged.

Of course, she was also nearby when it worsened; this time, a whole flower came up covered in disgusting saliva. As you stared down at the flower in your hand, Anri didn't freeze in panic; she didn't stare at you, trying to figure out what to do. No. She grabbed your wrist, nearly dragging you out of the Blue Lock building. You tried to argue. She didn't care. "This isn't just a tickle in your throat _____! You can die from this."

"______, what are your thoughts?" Ego asks without facing you. You remain silent, causing him to feel a hint of irritation. He swivels his chair around to face you, ready to ask again, but you're not there. He checks the time and notices it's not lunchtime yet. You never leave unless your shift is over or it's time for lunch. A few moments later, Anri enters the room. "Where is _____?" He asks. "At the hospital," Anri replies.

"She's in the hospital because of a cough?" He had heard how much you've been coughing lately, but he didn't think it was serious enough for hospitalization.

Slowly, Anri shakes her head. "No, it's worse than a cough. Maybe you should go see her."

It can't be that bad; you haven't said a word to him about it. "I'm busy at the moment, maybe later." He shrugs, turning back to focus on his diamonds in the rough.

“It’s Hanahaki disease.”

---------------------------

You are taken aback when Ego enters the hospital room. "What are you doing here? You should be concentrating on Blue Lock," you say casually, trying to make light of the situation. The doctor had insisted that you stay in the hospital for observation. "It's only a cough; I don't want you to waste your time." His eyes drift to the bed, where multiple flowers and petals are. "Hanahaki disease is not just a cough," Ego frowns at you.

Just as you are about to reply, there is a knock on the door. The sound interrupts you and catches your attention. "Miss ____," a doctor says as he enters the room, holding a chart in his hand. His gaze falls upon Ego, and he hesitates before asking, "Should I come back at another time?"

"No, it's fine. What is it?"

"As you are aware, there is only one choice. I am here to review the specifics with you. First and foremost, we must go over the potential consequences of the surgery. It is important to note that you will lose all memories of your current love interest; there is a small chance you may never experience romantic love again. However, this occurrence is extremely uncommon; most patients have no issues after the procedure."

You state bluntly, "I don't care what the statistics say. I am not going to have the surgery."

The doctor moves past Ego and stands at your bedside, gently touching your shoulder. In a calm voice, he tells you, "____, without the surgery, you won't survive."

"I'm aware. It's fine."

Ego shakes his head and moves to the other side of your bed. "Don't be ridiculous. Have the surgery; you'll recover at the Blue Lock facility. Don't concern yourself with work-"

"Jinpachi, I don't want the surgery because I don't want to forget him."  

The doctor interrupts, "It's a common response. Your love for him is so intense that it's physically harming you. If he doesn't reciprocate your feelings and you forego the operation, you won't survive. But after the surgery, you'll be fine. You won't even remember him; his memory will be completely erased."

Your voice takes on a sharp tone, filled with annoyance. "I can't just erase him from my life. It's not some fleeting crush that I can simply move past. I'd rather die." You turn your back to the doctor and Ego, keeping your gaze away from both of them. "You just don't understand."

Letting out a heavy breath, the doctor nods in understanding. "Take some time to consider it," he says before quickly glancing at Ego with a pleading look, silently urging him to try and convince you to change your mind.

As soon as the door shuts, Ego plops down on your bed and gives you a frustrated glare. "Don't be difficult. I need you in the Blue Lock program." You remain silent, refusing to look at him.

"You can't be replaced if you die."

"As your employee?"

"As my friend. You've been my closest friend for the last twenty-five years."

You give a slight nod. "I can't have the surgery because of that very reason. My life has been intertwined with yours for as long as I can remember. Without you, I don't know what I would do. What would I do when I wake up after surgery? There would be nothing left for me; everything would be wiped away." From your high school days, your life was centered around Jinpachi, choosing what university you should attend and what degree to pursue in order to support him as best as possible. There will be nothing left for you in this life if you have the surgery. "Death is a kinder option."

You lean back on the bed, giving the genius a moment to process your words. "I'm the reason you have this disease?"

A sudden fit of coughing overtakes you, leaving you unable to answer verbally. Instead, you can only manage a meek nod of your head as you try to spit out the flowers that have lodged in your throat. Your chest heaves, and your eyes water as you struggle to catch your breath, surrounded by the flowers. The coughing subsides, and you are left gasping for air.

Ego watches you with a mix of concern and frustration; his brows furrowed deeply as he processes everything you've just revealed. "Why didn't you tell me?"

After wiping your mouth, you pick up a flower and show it to him. It's a white and red striped carnation. "This flower represents rejection."

Ego gazes at you for a brief moment, his expression devoid of emotion, before he lets out a deep sigh and rises from his seat. You wonder if he plans to walk away, leaving you to deal with your problems while he tends to his important work. But to your surprise, he stays put and instead shoots you an irritated look as he grabs the bag that Anri has brought for you, containing a fresh set of clothing. "We're heading back. Let's go." As he speaks, he carelessly throws your belongings into the bag without much thought or care.

"I don't think the doctor is going to let me out without surgery."

With a heavy thud, he drops the bag at the foot of your bed and climbs over you in one swift movement. His long limbs form a cage around you, trapping you beneath him. His intense gaze locks onto yours, daring you to speak against his actions. But before you can utter a word, his mouth descends upon yours, silencing any protest. "Instead of doing something as reckless as this again, talk to me first," he murmurs between kisses. His lips move feverishly against yours as he scolds you for your near-death experience. "You would've died if Anri hadn't told me." He pulls away to look at you with concern before claiming your lips once more. "The flowers will shrink in size before they disappear." He speaks sternly. You gently push him off, feeling another coughing fit coming on. "Now let's go. The boys have important training to complete."

You remove the flower from your mouth and toss it at his head, but he catches it effortlessly.

A gentle knock echoes through the room, but before you can respond, the door swings open to reveal a woman around your age. She stands in the doorway with confidence, holding a clipboard in her hands. She gives you a warm smile. "Hello, I'm Mika, a therapist specializing in cases like yours," she introduces herself. "I understand how difficult this process can be, and I'm here to guide you through it and help you process any emotions or concerns you may have before the surgery."

"She's not getting the surgery. I'm taking her home."

"I understand your desire to respect her wishes, but death by Hanahaki is an excruciating experience," she maintains a professional tone, but inside she's confused from what the doctor had told her, she was expecting the man in the patient's room to advocate for the surgery. Her composure begins to slip as she starts to feel anxious.

Ego tilts his head in irritation. "She's not going to die. Call a nurse in so I can discharge her from the hospital."

As you leave the hospital, a car is waiting for both of you outside. The therapist hands you some documents about Hanahaki's disease and advises you to return to the hospital if the symptoms worsen. Ego throws your bag into the backseat of the sleek black car and takes the papers from your hand. "Ego-san, where would you like to go?" The driver questions.

"The Blue Lock facility." After answering the driver, Ego hits the button to raise the divider between the two of you and the driver.

As soon as you have some privacy, he turns to face you. "You know that besides soccer, you are the only thing that matters to me. When did it appear?"

"A few months ago."

"So, you were not going to tell me and just die?"

"Yeah. I didn't want you to feel guilty for not returning my feelings. So, I didn't want to tell you. If I had the surgery, you would've known it was because of you. If I had just died, you would never know who it was."

"_____, I love you. Why did you think I've made sure to keep you by my side? Since graduating high school, I've made sure you'll stay by my side." His confession is blunt and to the point.

"More than soccer?"

"Don't push it," he warns, his voice low and intense.

He bends down to kiss you once more, his lips pressing firmly and insistent against yours. His warm tongue slides teasingly along your lower lip, silently pleading for entry. Your heart races with anticipation as you let him in and melt into the passionate kiss.

Breaking away from the kiss, Jinpachi rests his forehead against yours, his warm breath mingling with yours. "Maybe a bit more than soccer."

[didoldacc]

venus as a boy ● choi beomgyu

okay i normally don't write with a specific age in mind but this thought has been killing me, never left my mind ever

age yourself up or down to gyu's age while reading, inspired by venus as a boy by björk

minors, do not interact!

warnings: mean but soft dom!gyu, virgin!reader, corruption, experienced!beomgyu, praises, lowkey bullying, unprotected sex, fingering, slight dacryphilia, breeding, possesiveness, gyu babying reader, petnames, reader has a hymen and slight blood warning regarding that(dw, no one makes big deal out of it, it is just there i will cross that line just in case so don't worry), body worship, beomgyu being too good to be true but being a little shit still let me know if there is any i have missed, also dido writing everything but the yeonjun fic she was supposed to working on is a warning itself, put me in jail

imagine you being friends with beomgyu for years but only recently confessed your feelings to each other. annoyed by delayence, he still respected your boundaries but it was definitely hard. so once you become his, expect him to make it up for each day you both lost. amazingly planned dates, meaningful gifts that are obvious that has been put too much thought to it, song witten about you, a first kiss wothy of movies...

of course you also being your most romantic self with the experience and means. maybe they were simple as cooking his favorite meal or massaging him but he loved all of those. waited so long for this, having to spend time with some other dates that weren't you, he made a promise to himself to never let your honeymoon phase go. but he couldn't keep it. not that your relationship become toxic or boring though because nothing changed, he just understood the value of spending time together on a average day.

like now, he is soending with you. a deep conversation you are having reminding beomgyu the times you had these conversations as just friends. all of his exes jealous of you for you being the one understands him and being closest to him. it was obvious tou both had feelings but circumstances you were in made it impossible to date. so you have missed a lot while beomgyu got to experience. every single time wishing it was you instead, imagining you when he relieved himself. yet you are still pure even after starting to date him. he didn't want to rush things over but you wearing a gift he bought for you which was less modest than your usual wear made dirty things fly around his mind. wishing finally having to taste.

slowly losing his focus on the conversation , beomgyu decides to change the subject to his desire. manipulating the conversation to it's end "baby, there is something i wanted to talk about." his words captures your interest but also makes you anxious. nothing great comes after needing to talk about something. "yes, gyu?" he offers his hand to yours to lead you to his bedroom.

beomgyu sits on his bed, waiting for you to also sit. you both sit cross-legged while facing each other. he brings his hand to you to hold once more. "we don't even have to talk about this if you are uncomfortable. i will not force you to do anything." even with the start of his speech, you know where this is going. "i promise, i will be careful to not hurt you but i want you." getting excited, you still wait for him to finish. "i know you lack experience but i can be gentle and i can teach you." his gaze getting darker, making him look more attractive. "you don't have to force yourself to anything, okay? just give me a simple yes or no." he stops talking to let you answer.

you choose to reply with a nod following an unexpectedly determined yes. he gives you a thank you before pushing you gently to sheets. the smile covering beomgyu's face never stops even in your foreplay kisses. giving you all the compliments he can think of to show you greatful he is.

getting naked, him kissing and adoring every corner of your body... everything feels natural with him. you feel safe and taken care of and most importantly not used. beomgyu's knowing what to do fingers start to play with your folds. "i am loving how wet you are. just for me, isn't it?" he says before kissing your cheeks. "let me prepare you. you wouldn't want it to hurt, would you?" he says before pushing a finger insede you. your irises growing with the unfamiliar feeling. another finger follows. "how are you supposed to take me when you can't handle my second finger? my virgin doll~ isn't that funny?" he makes fun of you and your inexperience even though your purity and corrupting it is his biggest wish. seeing you getting wrecked by his fingers make it impossible to wait longer.

his fingers leaving your walls, beomgyu brings them to his mouth to taste your arousal. "next time i am getting the whole meal, not just the samples but right now, i need you to be my baby. don't worry, i will take care of everything. just stay still." you do as he says while he positions himself. "i want to feel you raw and cum inside, is that okay?" you say yes without a second thought even though not being on the pills. he smiles before slowly pushing himself inside. "baby, it- it burns." you say with teary eyes. feeling a little amount of blood releasing from yourself. mesmerized and more aroused by this, beomgyu only says "i know, pretty girl but it is okay i will give you time to adjust. okay? relax for me."

"so funny that you cannot take me at this age~ and it's not just because i am big." he makes fun of you again. "we could have had so much fun... but better late than never. also i get to keep you. my beautiful princess letting me fill her up with my babies even in the first time. how cute~" he starts slowly thrusting into you. you heard so many thing about how it hurts in the first time yet thanks to beomgyu's preparations you can enjoy the moment. it doesn't take him to long to get you close. "pretty girl didn't even bothered to make herself cum, did she? but don't worry i am close too. cum with me." you moan his name one last time before your body shakes with orgasm, accompanied by his seeds filling you up.

"we will have so much more fun from now on~"

[auntieinthemushroomhat]

Analysing Why Williza Wouldn't Have Worked Out Through The Lens of a Pop Song

Hey, hi, hello!

This is not a post for the Willizas lol

I have no idea how many Stela Cole fans are among the Scarleteers, or, well, the ScarNashers.

This, I know it's a surprise, is not about Patrick and Eliza for once, but Eliza and William, though not in the best light, if that makes up for it, folks.

Stela has a new song called Blood Orange Wine and the lyrics kind of reminded me of Eliza's and William's relationship and how it lowkey went up in flames.

(I do feel I should acknowledge that, as far as I know, Stela's song is about a toxic relationship, which I don't think Eliza's and William's was, but if some of the lyrics fit, what can ya do?)

For your enjoyment:

1, just the title, Blood Orange Wine, itself: Eliza likes to drink wine, not beer, although she does drink whiskey, but usually in the presence of men eg. William, Patrick and probably Moses too (gosh I miss him)

2, I know it wasn't this extreme in the show, buuuut He knew the reasons I was scared of love - she was scared of entering a relationship with William, and I think the the reasons for that are:

a, he was her only family outside of Ivy, if it didn't work out, she would absolutely lose him (which happened in the end, and she didn't really get to have a say in the matter)

b, he was the only person she had ever felt romantic feelings for up until then

c, she had never been in a relationship, whereas William had been known for dallying with actresses, hell, he even courted her childhood bully

d, his image of the wife he wanted to marry differed so much from who Eliza is as a person, and Eliza, rightfully, didn't want to change herself completely just to fit that image

3, Told me he'd catch me if I fell, then he went running off - he confessed his love then upped and left, aka ran off, even though they were supposed to stick together since they were practically family, especially post-Henry's death

4, Knife to my throat until I opened up - again, I don't mean it literally, but he confessed his love, probably knowing Eliza wasn't ready, especially with the bomb that he was leaving for a year

5, He left me bleeding, now I'm freaking out - in that he left her to her own devices in regards to:

a, working out her feelings

b, knowing she was struggling to get cases at Nash & Sons and that she would no longer have access to Scotland Yard the same way without him, even with Fitzroy there (it's a bit redeeming though that he knew Nash was back to help Eliza)

c, knowing she had suffered a probably traumatic experience of not knowing whether he would live or die after getting shot

d, freaking out, as in she is sulking, or as she calls it, brooding, which is totally understandable, in my opinion, looking at the circumstances

6, Oh, I'm losing my forever, he only lets me down

a, Eliza and William were supposed to be endgame (still, I'm glad it didn't happen), they were each other's "forevers" right until they weren't

b, he only lets me down - she had to manipulate him in order to get him to help her, even though she needed his help, it wasn't (just) about her ambition

7, Wrapped around his finger, now my finger's wrapped around this glass

a, remember how important it was whenever they held hands or even their fingers touched?

b, in season 1, she regularly used her more womanly red dress to get him to do what she wanted, aka had him wrapped around her finger, because he wouldn't have helped her earn a living otherwise

Honestly, the more I wrote for this, the angrier I got. I still love William as a character, but they kinda fucked up his whole arc. Respect to Stuart for leaving, even if it wasn't because he saw that this would lead nowhere.

All of this, I think, supports why Patrick is a much better match for Eliza, even just as a friend and partner, but also as a potential love interest.

[navree]

Jonah Magnus

ugh number one guy, enough of sam trying to find out about martin blackwood and helen richardson and more research of the magnus institute involving research of jonah fucking magnus, also he just needs to return to me at once, i miss him dearly

How I feel about this character: I really like him. A fair amount of that comes from the fact that I've always had a natural affinity for villains and also that Ben Meredith's performance was just really good and I appreciated that. But I just enjoy him, I've always enjoyed villainous characters who are unapologetic in their villainy and aren't in a constant moral quandary about their bad deeds, and Jonah really just has no problem with any of the objectionable acts he does. I like his villainous traits, that he's duplicitous and manipulative and a bit sadistic (he didn't need to go that hard against Martin or Melanie, he did that because he wanted to), I like that he has his own agenda that he works at no matter what and no matter who it hurts, and I like that there are layers to him. 102 is one of my all time favorite episodes because we get to see things like Jonah having some kind of consideration (mild though it is) for other people, his curiosity, his enjoyment at things when he feels it unbridled, his sense of humor, and beyond that, Jonah is clearly not just a determined and driven individual, but there is some interiority in themes of choice, creation, and transformation intrinsic to the very nature of how Jonah extended his life the way he did. I dig him, he's real neat, he's legit my second favorite character in the show. Plus, when he snaps, he snaps, that's always so much fun (one hit would have killed Leitner and Martin and Melanie would have both been cowed with far less, but when Jonah gets mad he gets vicious and violent and that's why he pulverizes Leitner's head and goes way farther with torturing people who've irritated him and it's really fun that he has that side that just kinda loses it when pushed, I love it).

All the people I ship romantically with this character: I do actually ship Jonelias, it's an interesting dynamic and i wish it had been explored more post season 3. I also enjoy all of Jonah's romances that he definitely had with, like, every member of his original squad back when he still was Jonah Magnus. But number one OTP is always gonna be Lonelyeyes, andnot even in a meme way. Like I genuinely enjoy them as a couple, I have a LOT of thoughts on how that went on and what they meant to each other in the grand schemes, and I wholeheartedly believe there was emotional investment from Jonah's part (there kinda has to be, because Peter by nature isn't gonna be actively pursuing anything except potential victims, certainly not romantic partners). I have a post about this somewhere, but Peter is also the only person who has died in Jonah Magnus's ten million lifetimes that can be laid squarely at his feet. Anyone else who dies was likely gonna die around the same time in similar circumstances even without his involvement, but Peter, assuming he and og!Elias were the same age (which I do) is the only one who dies because of Jonah's actions and nothing else, if only because he's in his, like, mid-forties, and I can't pass up the thematic richness of someone who was so afraid of death he found a way to legit not have to deal with having a lover who dies well before his time as a sole result of your involvement in his life. I'm heavily invested in them as a couple, I could talk about it for days, not just because Jonahlias is my second favorite character and Peter Lukas is legit my fave.

My non-romantic OTP for this character: I know it's not canon but given my issues with season 5 I can elect to ignore it, I like imagining him and Rosie as buds and her as someone who doesn't take his shit and them just vibing (was always big into Web!Rosie or even just Eye!Rosie as long as she was specifically into just observing). To me, they just spent season 2 staring at the Archives and being judgy while sharing a coffee.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Again, I like villains, I don't mind Jonah as an out and out villain, but I think I preferred what we were getting out of him in season 3 than the turn to big bad. Like, season 3 Jonah seems to operate honestly similarly to Gertrude on a wider scale. He wants to stop Rituals, by whatever means necessary. And he wants to keep control over the Institute, his center of power, and is willing to do whatever necessary to keep it as well, and has no problems being cruel or awful in the process. And he has different motives for ending Rituals than Gertrude does, clearly, because he's not a very good person, but I just prefer that kind of grey/neutral affinity, regardless of him personally being bad or evil, and that role that he was playing. It was more fun for me, and I think it had more creative potential for Jonah as a character while still keeping him in a sort of villainous personality, which as I've said, I love. Also I think that all non-Elias enjoyers need the word "capitalism" taken away from them and they can only have it back when they prove they understand wtf they're talking about because a lot of the critiques are not only weird but straight up inaccurate to the character and don't make sense. Not gonna elaborate much on it too because I have a post about it already on my blog in some detail, but another major unpopular opinion of mine is that Jonah, specifically Jonah, was not seen as a bad boss or hated by wider employees at all, canonically, it's only Tim that starts turning on him in season 2 because of his issues and everyone else only hops on board after he legit reveals that he killed someone in cold blood and framed their coworker for it, they liked him as a boss and thought he was good this is literally canon even if it's an unpopular opinion.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: That he shows tf up in TMAGP. Like, where is he? I'm pretty sure he's involved in the computers, because "jmj errors" are not actually a thing and very specifically for this show, and it makes sense that the three people in the Panopticon in 200 were the ones transported to the computers, but that's TMA!Jonah. There was a Jonah from this show's universe too, one that created the Magnus Institute and very obviously had plans, even if they diverged from what we know. And I don't think the fire at the Institute, stopped him, so where is he? Can he show up? God I hope he does, and if he doesn't I still have a draft of something that I might write down eventually.

[saintsenara]

So I found your blog a while back and I last night I finally found the time to browse through pretty much all your HP meta and ship takes (i slept way later than I should've yesterday, thanks to you ^^) and I'm astonished at how you manage to weave in well founded analysis even into your answers to even the most deranged ship-asks

That being said, I scrolled through a lot of your blog and I couldn't find your opinion on grindeldore as a ship. Since i really like your takes on ol dumbles (even though I don't agree with all of them. For example I don't think his whimsical traits are entirely a lie. I think they are a part of him he over-exaggerates as a coping mechanism and a comfort to himself and others) I was wondering how you think this relationship-dynamic worked, how it shaped him and how large a role it played in his later life

(This is not a reaction to the ask game obviously, since the ship has no gone rather mainstream. I sometimes miss its days of obscurity before the fb movies but that's another ask)

thank you very much for the ask, anon - and especially for the very kind message at the start.

my opinion on grindeldore is coloured by the fact that i've never seen any of the fantastic beasts films - and that i've also gone out of my way to forget anything i've ever accidentally learned about any of them. i just don't find the idea of them interesting in the slightest.

but i love the little flashes of grindeldore we get in the seven-book canon - the image of the owls flying back and forth at all hours of the night because they can’t bear not to be talking to each other has a good claim to be the most romantic thing which happens in the series - and i also love the way that grindelwald becomes another example of a narrative tool the series uses to great effect with many other main characters besides dumbledore: the figure, only ever fragmentarily known [both by the reader and by the character who loved them], who causes such immense grief that it dictates the entire course of that character's life.

grindelwald plays the role in dumbledore's narrative arc that james plays in harry's - he considers grindelwald perfect, wonderful, brilliant... until he can't pretend this is the case anymore, just as harry hero-worships his father until he is confronted by the proof that he was a bully. but while harry then begins to understand james with more nuance, dumbledore retreats - hides himself from grindelwald until he's literally forced to duel him, and then hides grindelwald away and never sees him again.

grindelwald is dumbledore's lily - his grief over losing him [and, specifically, his grief over losing the imagined version of him, when who he really was could no longer be ignored - which is exactly how snape thinks of lily] drives him towards a life which encapsulates what the series understands as "love": the willingness to steadfastly endure and suffer and sacrifice in silence.

and he's also dumbledore's merope - the person who didn't even try to stay alive be better for him, who irreparably ripped his chance at a happy family apart, and who abandoned him when things got hard - and, just as voldemort's entire life becomes about creating a place for himself in the world which soothes that grief, so too does dumbledore's. his public persona becomes unwaveringly noble for exactly the same reason that voldemort's becomes unassailably villainous - so that the fragility of the grieving man beneath the mask is never known.

these parallels are why i back the concepts of snumbledore and riddledore [and the triad - snumblemort] so utterly [i am not quite brave enough for harrydore, i fear], and so they certainly mean that i should find grindeldore compelling...

but i find - i think - that i like grindelwald better as a background character whose ghost haunts dumbledore's later relationships - romantic or otherwise. his shadow looming over the two dumbledore brothers, and the way that the memory of him rears up when the eleven-year-old tom riddle calls himself "special", and the way that dumbledore still loathes himself so strongly - a century later - for being taken in by his smile that he spits "you disgust me" at snape are canon moments which always stand out for me, and i love how these can be expanded in fanfiction - what happens when voldemort and/or snape find out about grindeldore obsesses me, for example.

and i am similarly interested in how dumbledore can't be written as a fully-rounded character unless the impact of his relationship with grindelwald [and how this drives his public performance of careful eccentricity, causes his obvious ivory-tower-ishness, and informs his thinking on love and desire and so on] is taken into account.

but i just am less interested in grindeldore as the central relationship in a piece [although there are definitely exceptions to this rule] - and i think being so stubborn about fantastic beasts is probably why. grindelwald works so well in the books as a shadow that i end up finding that more compelling than seeing him as a main character [which i also feel about james - i really like the ghost of unrequited prongsfoot, which is canon, haunting sirius in his adult life, but i care about it less as the main ship of a fic], but i'm sure that i would feel otherwise if i ever bothered to get into how he's written for the films, where he serves such a different narrative purpose that he gets more substance.

and i should also say that i don't find that grindeldore interests me to write myself because i think that filling grindelwald out into a main character on the basis of book-canon detail alone would mean confronting just how explicit an analogy for hitler he is in the text [my impression is that fantastic beasts changes this a lot], which is something i don't really have the energy for.

[although - since it's always worth reiterating this - the grindeldore girlies are perfectly entitled to ship the pairing in any way they like, and to write the characters and their motivations in any way they choose, without getting any grief about it. this is fiction.]

but who knows - maybe i'll change my mind the more grindeldore crosses my path. stranger things have happened.

because there is a little idea which continues to needle at me... that dumbledore's loathing of horcruxes, even in the 1940s, is because grindelwald had made one. and that this is why, when he meets harry at king's cross, he is so determined to believe that the rumours of his repentance were true...

[wouriqueen]

2x06 thoughts - part 2 - Claudia & Louis

part 2 of my thoughts about the episode

"I'd like a couple of months where you don't tear things down or fuck things up" ???? What the hell is he talking about? He says "I had you covered" but as far as he knows Armand was the only threat - and mainly because Louis told him about Lestat and Claudia's role in it! This man continues to be very audacious. The instinct to blame everything on Claudia that Lestat, Armand and apparently Louis share is sooooo....

"I had you covered." Interesting though, that he said that. Like I said I think it's about Armand and how Louis thinks their relationship could shield Claudia, but I saw a theory that he might've agreed to becoming Armand's companion despite still having reservations in part to protect Caudia. Interesting point that could be seen as confirmed here!

Louis seeing how Madeleine sees Claudia and feeling reassured. He loves her so much. I love it I hate it. He's got useless love in abundance.

Claudia free. The moment Claudia decides she'll find a way to have Madeleine turned, there is a shift. She's confident. She has a path forward again. And knowing she has Madeleine by her side makes it even easier for her to ask the big questions, like when she asks "did you mean it?" to Louis about her being a "burden", or calls him out when they meet again about still playing the part of "Daddy Lou". Opening those cans of worms is less scary, less painful now. They don't have to be so dependent on each other's feelings. They miss each other, they're a little jealous of each other's companion, but that dinner scene really felt like they could've fixed it. Fuck.

Romantic relationships: the end all, be all? On that subject, I found it interesting that Louis softened to Madeleine's presence only when the girls said it was romantic. As if friendship would not be a valid foundation for companionship. Of course this is linked to both Louis understanding how hard this is to come by for Claudia, and to him not having had friends even as a human, and therefore not realizing the importance of it.

But it also seems very in line with the all-encompassing vision of love that he's experienced with Lestat, and that I feel he will experience with Armand. Lestat didn't like Louis visiting his family. Armand will not like Louis doing more than just consuming Daniel. Your companion is your friend is your family is your lover.

Of course by that logic you shouldn't need more than one, and of course Claudia was always the third-wheel from the moment she wasn't a "daughter", aka a product of the relationship. And Louis is jealous of Madeleine, this stranger who's leaving with Claudia, even as he feels she might be better to her, even as he knows Claudia was always the outsider. He misses her, but also, he needs his throw pillow. For when his lover won't look at him kindly.

"I didn't care". Louis reopened his wound and drank his own blood and tried to throw up - made a whole mess in the apartment. He obviously cared very much about Claudia leaving. He's clearly being petty because he feels abandoned, but I think this was also a good way to show how sometimes his suppressing of feelings comes back out in the body (starvation, strict diet, gluttony, addiction, self-harm, etc.).

Projecting, my good friend. Louis is so very funny though. "Is she a replacement for your sister?" sir that is what YOU did. Even if that was true, it's not your place to say it. Also kind of felt like he could only make sense of Claudia's bond with Madeleine by viewing it through the lens of his own experiences, like needing a replacement for someone (though Idk how much he's aware losing Grace played a role in him having Claudia turned) or entering a romantic companionship.

2x06 thoughts - part 1 - Madeleine & co

2x06 thoughts - part 3 - Armand & co

[hinamie]

ok i have composed myself i have transcribed the lyrics for wish you were here as best as i could. i am going to listen to this and only this until i lose interest or the ability to hear, whichever happens first

this song is SUCH a bop the soft guitar intro in2 the main beat is so good but can we TALK . about how . HE STARTS IT WITH A "MWAH" WHAT A FUCKING ICON I LOVE HIM I LOVE THEMMMMM the percussion is so good i love the soft offbeat claps in th bg they add such a nice lil pep n especially in verse 2 after "love you even if you hate my guts" they add like 4 extra clap beats and i am !!!!!!! ASCENDING

verse 1 is iconic i love the line "pack up my head might mail it back to your house" its so fucking funny it reminds me of that post thts like "i didn't know how to deal with the fact that i had a crush so i wrote her a note that said get out of my school" . but listenok listen. verse 2 is the one they posted a snippet of last year and first of all i love the electric-y/tv-turning off/guitar slide/quiet video game laser effect as the vocals start it makes my brain buzz aNYWAY this verse is my favourite between the two and has absolutely s tier lines such as "as long as you think of me I don't care what" and "love you even if you hate my guts" PLUS the lil clappy bits i mentioned they r so GOOD. not to mention his voice pls.,,, he sounds so good when he belts,,, his voice has a slight rasp to it that they lean into with the slightly muffled old speaker sound god he sounds so good all the TIME his vocals are so clear when he hangs on the words "singing" and "myself" into the chorus PLS. also the bg vocal 'a t-t-t-touch too sentimental' is so gd CATCHY

speaking of the chorus oh my god the CHORUS. the desperate cry of "don't you miss me? / don't you want me around?" is so devastating and heartfelt head in HANDS also the lyrics . im so excited abt them i cannot put into words how !!!!!!!! they make me just. gestures helplessly

wishful thinking is all that’s holding me down  lost on a blue moon  i wish you were here right now

in chorus 2 especially the way the beat cuts out after "lost on a blue moon" n comes back after "I wish you were here"??? AUDIBLE SEROTONIN TO ME ((plus in the final chorus changing the "lost on a blue moon" to "not like you used to" ??????? OW ???????????? that had a lil kick that got me a bit.. , being stuck with ur own wishful thinking as a stand-in for the physical affection of the person u like,,, ....fushiguro touch starved megu- *is shot dead*)))

HOWEVER the absolute lyrical Backbone of this song is the fucking bridge. i knew it would be i heard the snippet ages ago and i was like holy shit these lyrics go hard what are they from only to b dismayed to find that whatever song they were from did not yet exist. but now it DOES and i can listen to the way the bridge sounds like lights dimming. like headlights passing through a hazy window. it sounds like clouds parting

nobody else in this life or next  will ever have me the way that you do nothing in hell, heaven, earth, or the rest could ever take me away from you

THAT FUCKING EMOTIONAL BOMBSHELL against the original soft guitar from the intro drop the drums just reverb-y lyrics and background vocals and some of the most romantic fucking lyrics i've had the pleasure of reading let alone hearing one of my favourite artists sing.

i am going to once again fuse my fv brainrot with my megumi brainrot. realistically ik this is probably a missing your ex song but i do not care. this is a longing megumi song to me i dont CARE argue with a WALL (said to no one). the verses and chorus are pine-y and a bit snarky n very i like-like you and don't know what to do with how much i miss you. it's wry and frustrated n just tsundere enough but then u get to the bridge n there lies the sheer undying devotION god im unweLL this is all i'm going to listen to. this was worth waiting a year for if this is part of a new album they have in production im actually going to die

[andreal831]

Hi! What do you think of Bonnie and Jeremy as a pairing?

This ship definitely had me rooting for them in the beginning. We know, I'm a sucker for any kind of friends-to-lovers. They also had one of the few relationships that felt very age appropriate. Maybe because they were one of the few that were basically the same age. But mainly because a lot of their joys and issues felt human.

We got a lot of great tropes with them. We got them falling for each other as they worked together for the people they loved. We got a fun little jealousy storyline with Luka. The best-friend's brother trope. The will they/won't they trope. They are both incredibly protective of each other and put each other first. This ship was so good for both of them, but unfortunately the writers really liked to put Bonnie and Jeremy through the ringer when it comes to romantic ships, so they really didn't stand a chance. Literally all of their love interests died, including each other.

One thing I really loved about them was, even before and after they were together, they still cared for each other. For so long, Jeremy seemed to be the only person who really saw what Bonnie gave for her friends, constantly trying to stop her from sacrificing herself. There are multiple times he even tried to stop Bonnie when Bonnie was sacrificing herself for his sister. Bonnie also sacrificed so much for Jeremy, even though he never wanted her to. It's one of the few ships where we actually see an exchange of sacrifice.

While I hate that Jeremy cheated on Bonnie with Anna and it did kind of ruin the ship, I can understand it more than a lot of the issues in other ships that completely made me hate the ship. Jeremy was a 16 year old kid who had lost so much, including Anna. When a loved one comes back from the dead, it complicates things. No, he didn't handle it well, but he also didn't do anything worse than what a lot of these 100+ year old men would do. I think it's also important to remember that Anna is 500+ years old and was essentially grooming and using Jeremy. I'm not justifying his behavior by any means, and Bonnie had every right to be mad and breakup with him, but I just feel like people are harder on Jeremy than all of the other adult characters who cheated or abused their partners/potential ships.

But again, even after this, Bonnie is still defending Jeremy's right to make his own decisions to Elena. Jeremy spends the summer being there for Bonnie when everyone else thinks she's dead. Jeremy is also the only person who really seems to miss Bonnie when she is in the prison world with Damon. He is the one that saves Bonnie and gives her hope. While I hate that Jeremy hurt Bonnie, he actually grew and evolved as a character, making sure to put Bonnie first, even just as a friend, for the rest of the show. I hated how they ended though. It felt very unresolved, especially given what everyone was going through. The show just didn't put any effort into it.

Basically, I thought Beremy was cute for what it was, a high school romance. Should it have been endgame? Not in my opinion because they both became very different people as they grew. I do prefer them to some of the canon endgames though. They would have been better off if they had begun dating later in life, when Jeremy wasn't so traumatized from losing nearly every person he cared for and was more emotionally mature. But I love to think that they stayed close after they both left town. They care about each other and check in on each other, but are ultimately happy for the other for moving on and finding their own joy in life.

Thanks for the ask! I haven't thought about this ship in a minute.

[qroier]

EDIT: working on a new version, that's why reblogs are turned off. i'll probably post it tomorrow (12/2/2023) in the (my) morning.

SECOND EDIT: post is up!

that spiderbit as eurydice and orpheus poll is so interesting to me. i can see why people would go with cellbit cubito as orpheus and roier cubito as eurydice, i was even expecting more people to go with that option, but to me roier cubito is just forever and always permanent orpheus. more under the read more cause this got so long hfkshdks

like don't get me wrong orpheus cellbit makes sense in a way, that's actually why the poll is so interesting to me. disclaimer of course that my understanding and general knowledge of the myth has mainly been influenced by the wider english-speaking cultural approach to it, but to me the biggest, most obvious, and immediately linked connotation the myth has always had is one of devotion. like the type of devotion that would take you all the way into the afterlife and all the way back in the hopes that that might save the person you love. cellbit cubito is nothing if not devoted, and normally in the loudest ways possible. he loves shouting out his devotion at all times to anyone in close proximity. it just makes sense that if anyone could hold the level of devotion necessary to be orpheus it'd be him cause we all know he'd do anything for roier.

plus being honest, it also makes sense just going by the dynamics that outsiders might see of their relationship. roier cubito kinda likes the playful dynamic of asking other people to try to "save" him, whether that's from mobs or hunger or anything, so long as it's not something actually serious. so much so that the idiot (said lovingly) has conditioned everyone, and i do mean everyone both islanders and audience alike, into thinking he's defenseless and needs saving. unfortunately, there is going to be at least a little bit of an association between the idea that eurydice is being saved and the image of roier cubito calling out for help with a scorpion that he could (normally at least, i know he didn't have any weapons or gear that one time during purgatory) down on his own.

so it makes sense that orpheus cellbit would drag himself in his devotion to save eurydice roier! but then you start looking deeper into that devotion. you start thinking about, well, why does eurydice even need to be saved? oh, it's because she died. she's dead. saving her is devotion but it's also an attempt to escape grief. and, always, there is no one more grief-riddled than roier (except maybe maxo, whose grief has permanently killed him). the most consistent thing that has happened to him since arriving on the island is losing people that he loves.

the devotion still applies to him too, of course. even though it's in quieter ways, there's no denying that roier is as equally devoted to cellbit as cellbit is to him. cellbit once promised roier he'd rescue him if the feds ever arrested him. roier once told cellbit he'd go after him and wouldn't stop until he got him back if the feds tried taking cellbit again. and that's not even the only time roier has promised that, he's said similar things multiple times before. he even had to fulfill that same promise once before already, back during the regret arc when cellbit went missing trying to save felps. roier is not lacking in devotion

you can even extend the type of love from romantic to familial and it will still be true that roier is permanent orpheus. it even becomes clearer, almost. orpheus fights through the journey, holding on to hope and powering himself through devotion, because the alternative of having permanently lost eurydice, of having to succumb to grief, is too much for him to take. roier fights through the entire island and later a dungeon, holding on to hope and powering himself through devotion, because the alternative of having permanently lost bobby, of having to succumb to the grief of loosing his son to something outside of his control, is too much for him to take. and then they both fail. orpheus looks back too early. who knows what went wrong with roier's journey. it could have been that he technically did die right at the very end before he could make it up, or it could have been that the gods were feeling particularly cruel that day. either way, bobby wasn't returned to him.

this is all without even touching on some of the details about how he charms everyone he meets and how music is such an important part of his character. roier is just permanent orpheus. he can't help it. like he's literally gone through a journey to the afterlife to save someone he loves TWICE already. (could even extend it to include purgatory and the eggs, if you want). he keeps getting left behind despite his best efforts. he's always drowning in grief, some way or another, and yet he can't help but try and fight to bring back the people he loves anyway. let's just hope this third time, with cellbit stuck in purgatory, doesn't go like the first.