#I KNOW im getting somewhere and somewhere good too
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Hiding From The World
Summary: After a meeting with Silco, Jinx goes missing, leaving you to go find her.
Pairing: Jinx x Fem!reader
Wordcount: 1k
Authors note: The long ass story is still not finished im so sorry guys im gonna try to publish it as soon as I can 🤞🏻. I also did this at 2am, sorry if its bad I literally fell asleep in the middle of writing it.
Masterlist
It's been hours since you last saw her. Jinx was supposed to come back to the hideout after a supposedly urgent meeting with Silco, but the minutes dragged on, turning into hours, and still no sign of her. You tried to convince yourself she was just blowing off steam somewhere, but you couldn’t shake the sinking feeling in your gut.
Without a second thought, you head to the one place she might be. It’s a little secret basement in an abandoned building tucked away in the darker parts of Zaun, somewhere she figured no one would ever think to look, when you and Jinx first stumbled on this little abandoned building while exploring Zaun’s hidden alleys. The structure was half-buried under layers of graffiti and rust, but Jinx saw it as treasure—something forgotten by everyone else but perfect for the two of you. Together, you’d set up this place over the months, stringing fairy lights from the cracked ceiling, stacking old crates to make makeshift chairs, and even securing it with a series of hidden traps to keep intruders out.
The shadows stretch longer as you approach the building, slipping past the creaky metal door and down the stairs that lead to the basement. You disable the traps one by one, the steps so familiar you could do them in your sleep. Finally, you reach the heavy door that leads into the basement, taking a breath before pushing it open.
And there she is.
Jinx is slouched on the floor, leaning against the wall with her knees drawn up to her chest. Her eyes flicker with a mix of frustration and exhaustion, and you catch the way her hands keep fidgeting, as if even while sitting still, she can't quite find peace. She looks up when you enter, and something in her expression softens ever so slightly.
"Y/N," she mutters, sounding almost relieved. "Guess I’m not as good at hiding as I thought, huh?"
You close the door behind you, crossing the dimly lit room until you’re in front of her. “Not from me, anyway.”
She scoffs, but there’s a hint of a smile tugging at her lips. You slide down to sit beside her, close enough that your shoulders are almost touching. For a moment, neither of you speak. The silence is comfortable, settling like a blanket around you both.
You glance over, studying her for a beat. “Rough day?”
She lets out a bitter laugh, rolling her eyes up to the ceiling. “Silco thinks he knows everything. Says I’m too… reckless, like he doesn’t know me by now.” Her fingers toy with a stray thread on her pants, pulling at it absently. “Sometimes I think he just doesn’t get it. Doesn’t get me.”
You nod, listening to every word. “Sometimes I don’t think he deserves to.”
Jinx looks over at you, that fire in her eyes simmering down, replaced by something softer, something almost vulnerable. She doesn’t say anything right away, but her hand inches toward yours, her fingers grazing your palm as if she’s testing the waters.
You intertwine your fingers, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. “We don’t need him, you know,” you murmur. “We’ve got this place. It’s ours. Away from everyone else.”
She leans her head back, gazing around at the dim room, where the fairy lights cast soft, warm glows over the walls. It’s far from fancy, but it feels like home, like yours. The two of you worked to make it that way—a sanctuary in the chaos.
Her gaze drifts back to you, a small, genuine smile breaking through her tough exterior. “Guess that’s why I wanted to come here… I knew you’d find me.”
“Always,” you say softly, brushing a thumb over her knuckles.
For a while, you sit in comfortable silence, her head eventually finding its way to your shoulder. The weight of her against you feels reassuring, grounding, like the world outside doesn’t matter when it’s just the two of you in this little hidden corner of Zaun.
“You know,” she murmurs, her voice barely above a whisper, “this place… I’d never let anyone else in here but you.”
Your heart skips a beat, and you turn slightly, pressing a soft kiss to her hair. “Good. Because I wouldn’t want to share it with anyone else.”
She smiles again, her eyes half-closed as she leans into you. In this moment, with the flickering lights casting shadows across the room and the muffled sounds of Zaun fading in the background, you both find a rare, quiet peace.
Jinx’s head grows heavier on your shoulder, her breathing slowing, steadying. You glance down to find her eyes closed, the furrow in her brow smoothed out. It’s rare to see her like this—unguarded, peaceful, away from the chaos that usually surrounds her.
Carefully, you shift, wrapping an arm around her to support her as you slowly stand up. She stirs slightly, but doesn’t wake, her head resting comfortably against your shoulder as you carry her over to the old, beaten-up couch you both dragged in here ages ago. Easing yourself down, you settle back with Jinx still in your arms, her body now draped across yours.
She mumbles something incoherent as she nestles closer, pressing her face against your chest. One of her arms wraps around you, clutching the fabric of your shirt as if you’re an anchor keeping her steady.
You can’t help but smile, brushing a few strands of hair away from her face, tucking them behind her ear. She looks so serene, her usual smirk softened, her breathing deep and calm. Gently, you stroke her back, your fingers tracing light, soothing circles as she relaxes even further against you.
The warmth of her settles into you, a quiet comfort that makes the dim room feel like it’s lit up with something more than just fairy lights. Holding her like this, feeling her heartbeat thrum in sync with yours, it’s like all the weight of the world fades away.
As minutes slip by, you let your head rest back against the couch, one arm wrapped securely around her while your other hand continues to run softly up and down her back. You could stay like this forever, hidden away with her, in a place that’s just for the two of you.
In this little pocket of the world, it’s just you and her, and for now, that’s all you need.
#jinx arcane#jinx x reader#jinx x y/n#arcane jinx#jinx x fem!reader#jinx/you#jinx posting#jinx league of legends#jinx lol
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felix its a girl daddy its canon, but what about the rest
Now u got me curious too😂
Chan - i don't remember what i wrote in the hyung kids reading but from this card i would say he wants to have many kids (ill check later if thats what the reading says im curious😂) so the first kids gender doesn't really matter that much cuz sooner or later he's gonna have at least one of each😂 so yeah i would say he wants to have both.
Lee Know - i think he would be fine either way but his preference leans to a girl, he wants to raise a tough woman to show them imbeciles who's the boss(😂).
Changbin - He wants to leave it over to the universe/faith and believes he will get the child thats destined for him so he doesn't really think about or care if its gonna be a girl or boy - i think like he would feel a bit ungrateful if he were to wish for a girl but he got a boy, so he tries to restrain himself as much from imposing his expectations. Although somewhere deeply i think he still wishes for his first child at least to be a girl🌝😂
Hyunjin - i don't think he has thought much about it or placed much significant on the gender and i think he would be a dad that encourages authenticity and self expression. If he gets a girl, thats tomboyish in nature for example he'll raise her the way she feels good, if he gets a boy that likes dolls and dresses and make up he'll encourage his child to engage in what brings them happiness. Regardless of gender. And i think when it comes to that he'll be very open minded and encourage his kids/kid to be true to themselves. So in short - gender doesn't matter to him.
Han - He wants one of both. A boy and a girl - bonus points if they're twins😂
Felix - A girly. A spoiled one at that. Im hearing daddys little princess😂💗 I think he'll love that. Im getting such cute genuine sweet vibes omg😂 oh to be born as felixs daughter🥲🙌🏻
Seungmin - wants a girl. A classy one. He wants a mini him in female version im seeing.
I.N - doesn't care. When the time comes he'll think about it.
#skz#stray kids#tarot reading#kpop#asks#bang chan#lee know#seo changbin#hyunjin#lee felix#han jisung#seungmin#i.n
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She would nod with his words about the planet's as she ate some more, working on her true decision for this planet they were on. In truth she could tell that the people were sour, but the planet was still healthy and thriving. With that in mind, she knew there were to many criminals and corrupt wealthy people to allow them to move to another planet, the wouldn't survive with how sour they were, something which screwed over the innocent. But, such was the business that a proper destroyer had to do.
"I agree with you on that. I even if such happens with the planet's I feel like it would be particularly rare for two planet's to basically be clones of each other. If such a thing was possible, I place my bet on a ruler of all placing some failsafe to make sure they develop differently."
Truthfully, all she could see was the hassle of trying to erase one planet if it clipped into the other through the fabric of reality, she would likely have to do both as she didn't see how shs could do know without the other getting in the way. She would much on a few more peices, the last few of the second one before she starts cutting up the third one into equal chunks. She had business to do and she also couldn't wait to try that tantalizing icy treat that was beckoning to her from the corner of her eye.
"I'll be ready half an hour before then, I find it easier to start getting ready early so the I can relax a bit before the date. I already have a dress in mind to wear for you as well~."
It was I'm truth that she was thinking of such when he told her that he would pick her up at fourteenth hour of next weeks Friday. She was happy that they were going to be going out soon, such excited her to say the least. As he spoke about how she was spoiling him and how the offer sounded too good to be true, she would work in the third peice of meat, enjoying it every bit as much as the last two. The concern that seemed to be in his voice about her giving and giving without asking for anything back and how it would likely feel like he as using her in the long run would grab her attention.
However, speaking wasn't an option as she was chering what was im her mouth and swallowing it before she spoke, but Kefla had already gotten to her. She felt her face become trapped between his fingers as her face was tilted towards him and his lips pressed against her. A kiss she would enjoy as she would reciprocate for the amount of time before it ended, a small pout on her face.
"The kiss is of good payment. But of course you can think about it, I wasn't going to force myself upon you to protect you. I know that you're a perfectly capable fighter and that you can handle yourself."
If anything, he had her number. Though she wondered if he would call if things started getting rough because of another destroyer? She would continue to eat until it was finished, but before she would grab the ice-cream she would get up.
"Excuse me for a moment, Kefla. I have to make a phone call."
With that she would walk off to the edge of the clearing she made and pull out her phone, finding the number of the one she needed to call. The father of her son and, in a sense, her husband; Coldarder. The embodiment of death is who she needed right now considering she was going to spare the planet, such ment a mass soul reap was needed.
"Oh, hello honey~."
The start of the conversation, one of a friendly tone as she was greeting someone she cared for. Her hand going up to twirl a lock of her hair as she listened to the other for a moment.
"Yeah, I need you to come to the planet I'm on right now. No, the planet's fine, it's just the people that need to go."
She was going to be quick and straight to the point, she saw no need for her to dilly dally on this. Coldarder needed to know why she called, though internally she was excited to see him as it's been a few weeks at least.
"You'll be here in about a quarter hour? I see, your just finishing up somewhere else. Got it. I love you to my dear~."
Her last words were filled with affection for her husband, he also wasn't one to beat around the bush. It happned to be long ago that they made the rule that of the planet they were on needed either of them while they were on it that they could call each other. If the planet he was on needed to be erased or the it was just the bodies, he would call her. If she needed him to mass reap some souls so she could erase them, she would call him. Though, they also called each other for other things, to talk and share.
However, now that she was done on the phone, she would return to the clearing and sit back down ik her seat.
"I'm baaack~. Hope you didn't miss me too much while I was gone~."
She teased, she was being playful with Kefla now. Obviously she wasn't gone or that far away, but she didn't see the harm as she now leaned on her hand while looking at him.
One thing was certain with the woman. She loved eating good food. It was why Beerus had decided against vaporizing Earth. To think Champa wanted the planet Earth of another universe merely to satisfy his tastebuds despite not having any need to eat and drink. Destroyer gods were strange people. That's logical if you think about it. There is no planet that is the same as another. Just like, there is no universe that is the exact copy of another. If two planets were perfectly identical, why would they exist at the same time? Then again, gods of creation were probably not any better than gods of destruction. Champa was overweight and so was the supreme kai who was his life link. Strange that the god of destruction was this powerful and the god of creation couldn't even defend themselves against the weakest of opponent. Must be a bad joke from that brat.
In that case, the Friday next week at fourteen. I'll come pick you up. Since she is eager to taste. He doesn't intend to make her wait for long. Oh, and make sure to wear something that shows your curves off. Surely, you don't expect to just drink at my house, right? With what has already happened between them. No point in beating around the bush. Even if unsaid, it is likely that the drinking session will turn into something more physical.
You spoil me quite a lot, Deaevidra. I suppose it would be idiotic of me to refuse such a proposal. So, how about you let me think about this? It sounds too good to be true if I'm honest, and you're doing plenty of things for a man you have just met. I hope you don't intend to just give and give without asking anything in return. Feeling like I'm using you is not a good feeling, frankly. Until an idea came to mind. Probably not enough to repay the kindness of the goddess, but he could not think of anything else. Chair pushed backward and steps taken to the divinity. Face held between fingers and lips pressed against the other's lips. Ravenous, steamy and full of passion, then stopped. I guess you can consider this payment unless you want more, which I can't offer right now.
#viciousoverlord#♡【it's a surprise that a mortal such as yourself was able to make a home in my hearts – kefla】♥︎#♤ euphorion timeline ♤#》 a fallen destroyer with a devil may care attitude – deaevidra
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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love the idea that stan, pre-realisation, would just put any “my brother-“ thoughts that popped up into the ‘shermie’ category into his head
my brother… the genius … always won the spelling bee… we were so close… i learnt to fight because i was uh. protecting my…. (much??) older brother? damn was he a wimp or something
stan, calling shermie up post everything: do you happen to remember like. a flying dinosaur from our childhood or is this another ‘wrong brother’ situation
shermie, who was very much not there: what.
aksdjfhsd yeah!! also I imagine there being a ton of angst potential because Stan remembers ("remembers" my ass, he doesn't remember shit) himself and Shermie as being fairly close as kids, because everything involving "my brother" is conflated with Shermie, until the Mystery Incident got him kicked out. But Shermie wasn't super close with either of his brothers because of the age difference, and also because I hc him as not being home very often and getting the hell outta dodge as soon as he was old enough. So poor Stan has an imagined closer brotherly dynamic with Shermie, who isn't maintaining this dynamic into adulthood because to him Stan is his younger brother who dropped off the face of the earth (sad) at age 17, popped up a few times in newspapers to get arrested and/or scam people, and then dropped off the face of the earth again at 27.
#i should make an ask tag#stan (singular) au#stan: i wonder why shermie never tried to contact me in those ten years i was wandering around homeless#shermie: oh god yeah i forget i have brothers sometimes lol. lets not think about that too hard#SHERMIE ALSO HAS ISSUES TRUTHER#i hc that he joined the army as soon as he turned 18#went to war. got fucked up. possibly got injured. came home. got a girl pregnant. girl left him. has to raise baby alone.#got a tiny bit of support from parents (somewhere in here his brother got kicked out???? busy dealing with ptsd+injury+newborn). left for#left for california as soon as he had the money to do so#didn't look back for Years#dad died. went to funeral. continued raising son. occasionally called the brother who did not get kicked out of the house. brother visited#him and his kid a few times until said brother went off the deep end and started accusing everyone of being a demon before going radio sile#for like 30 fucking years#eventually gave up trying to connect with brother because good lord this family is fucked up#has not thought about stan other than 'man i hope he's doing alright because god knows none of the rest of US are'#uh. anyways#im a little incoherent from that hiking trip i was talking about
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i think about the whole "love that" exchange a lot.
#i think i already have a post about this somewhere im just. rotating it#they realize they just kinda revealed a bit too much in front of Trent Crimm (Formerly) The Independent#and he does the whole biting wind-up to a question you know is going to be sharp as hell. bringing in that heat#and rebecca just. doesn't even try to get out of it#is she taking a leap of faith? is she just tired of spinning a whole yarn? testing him? giving him a chance?#and his response is just. simple. a real smile--almost conspiratorial and they're both in on the joke--and 'love that.'#sincere and almost warm. love that. bc that's what he actually thinks. not asking what he thinks he should#what he thinks the crowd wants to hear. but just. god her ex husband is a dickhead. absolutely you should try to fuck him over. love that#and rebecca all but beaming at him in response#i wish we'd gotten more of their dynamic tbh. i think that interaction probably helped soothe any anxieties she had about the whole thing#i think the next time we really see them interact is just the girl talk thing#where she's gleefully including him on the gossip and he's SO fucking pleased to get a good grade in girl talk something both normal to w#but like them developing an almost easy banter Fast. please. and like. him letting himself be. himself. in front of other people#not just ted. and rebecca GETS that if anyone gets getting flayed by the lasso effect it's her#so like. IDK MAN I JUST THINK THEY SHOULD BOND#also keeley. DEFINITELY keeley. all three of them. FUCK#trent crimm#rebecca welton#gertspeak#god. him being so pleased about the girl talk comment too. lives in my brain rent free#rebecca or keeley pays him a genuine but offhand compliment and he (and clearly completely unconsciously) just#fully does a pleased little wiggle in his seat. and they're like hmmmm
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you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.
you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.
so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.
you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.
you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.
you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.
you know you broke the rule by interacting.
but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.
#before i maybe get yelled at:#1) no i do not think ppl are evil for having men dnis no i do not think these are all equal transgressions even#though there is an overlap that should be examined that i think is based in a degree of lesbian separatism + exclusionism#2) yes there are lesbian blogs and people that are cool about genderfucky people. i'm not talking about them#3) this is a stylized vent post about trying to find lesbian content on tumblr that isn't like this. all these dnis/rules are ones i have#encountered. no i do not literally tell these people to change their dnis to suit me. the conversations are symbolic and ideological in#nature. if i find a blog with men dni i generally go somewhere else. it's about emotions. it's about my feelings on that it's not literally#about dming someone demanding they change things. it's not about demanding that You change things or else you're a bad person.#4) it is about the conflicts and hypocrisy and inconsistency of strict and exclusive sexuality labels persisting in gender-diverse spaces#and how it affects me as a lesbian who is a man who is a woman who is fucking whatever else. and yes it is about transphobia too.#5) it's about how lesbians feel the need to exclude men and how i think efforts to do so fail and hurt ppl and are often misguided#tht i think also comes up in like. bi lesbian/mspec lesbian/gaybian discourse. i'm not any of those myself but it seems like there's overla#6) if this post seems whiny and sad and insecure that's because it probably is. i have a right to be all of those things.#7) no i do not think all lesbians are man-hating assholes. i am a lesbian. i love lesbians. i love dykes and most of them are fantastic ppl#i just think the general bullshit of the world leads to this defensive thing that ends up hurting others in our community y'know?#8) i get that my perspective/experience is a bit unusual and many lovely ppl haven't considered it. that's part of why i'm sharing this#nyarla dni#<- sorry man it's too vulnerable. gonna keep this one to the internet-only folks#adding this wayy later but a crucial part of the experience i Almost talked about it this but never explicitly did was that like#the measures ppl take to 'defend against men' are often deeply transmisogynistic as well. obviously#and when i see that it hurts me too. not that it hits me the same way when strangers assume im a trans woman and hate me for it#but it doesn't feel good to see transphobia at all. i focused on how that relates to other kinds of transphobia#namely transandrophobia here but like. it's all connected. lesbain separatism + exclusionism relies on both and they aren't always#distinct experiences. ime. anyway trans ppl i love all of you forever#i just thought me writing “*turns to the camera* and trans women exp this too.' wouldve been too much even for this post#i figured the audience would like. know that. and so far it hasn't been an issue. i have not been yelled at thanks guys 🫶
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something something a fanfic in which ian has a crush in mickey who works at the alibi and he wants to make a move but he founds out Mickey is married to svetlana who works there too so he gives up but then he sees svetlana idk hooking up with Kevin and Veronica aka their bosses and he don't know what to do but then he founds out svetlana and mickey are not really together so apparently it was not cheating but how could it be they have a children they are very much married but apparently mickey is very much gay? make my boy ian really stressed and make everybody toy with him all the fucking time
#i dont know the circumstances which led to that#make svetlana and mickey good friends and she needs a greencard#that would be nice#and idk about yev make him a mistake make him a mutual decision between friends of starting a family#i think its not even important to be mickey biological but he must have his eyes and nose so ian is extra confused#also i dont know where mandy fits in it but she has to be there im up to suggestions#maybe she toys with ian a little too and eventuality pitted him#maybe shes gets her big addition of another but there somewhere#make ian battle really hard its all about his ethical vallues VS the immense desire to fuck mickey to oblivion#gallavich#shameless#shameless us#mickey milkovich#ian gallagher#svetlana yevgenivna#kevin ball#veronica fisher#mandy milkovich#kinda#og.#fic idea
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the problem is I’m such a staunch believer in the slow buildup, the earnest enjoyment of meandering through terrible story decisions and weird nothing subplots to build up into a conclusion that explodes out from all that as fantastic storytelling and intrigue based on all that buildup, such that it makes it necessary to get through all that or you’re missing something essential, that I’m also a terrible person to talk to about what makes a story good. I can tell you plenty of what actually makes something tight and well-written and all that technical speak but how could anyone take my advice when I so so so love excruciatingly long unnecessarily complex fumbling and weird nonsense that spirals into, inexplicably, weird nonsense that makes you cry your lungs sore
#kipspeak#my point being everyone is too mean about post arr. sure f’lhammin did not have to be our problem but everything after that was like#meandering. Thinking. building. unnerving. they were cooking and i RESPECT their dubious food#i love homestuck and long audio dramas and dnd podcasts and indecipherable fancomics and lego ninjas and khux and im starting to love ffxiv#all incredibly long and made with passion and kinda weird and hard to get into#said with THE MOST affection in my heart#I could structure a kids show and I know how to write for tv but in my heart of hearts#I just want to write an impossibly long absurdity epic that is weird and a little bad and also makes you feel shrimp emotions#ALSO I feel 0% bad for not respecting ur theory or opinion if you haven’t played khux/dr/recoded I don’t feel bad about it at all I’m right#understand what’s going on in them and I’ll respect your theories. it’s like comics enjoyers but less chaotic#don’t let me get into comics. superheroes never really catch my interest but if you let me get into comics I’d explode#‘it gets really good’ is a genuine way to interest me#also don’t let me get into anime that do this. I already watched a thousand episodes of detective Conan—#maybe it’s a careful balance of weird and Good Storytelling Seeds. it has to have internal logic for one; and it has to have a structure#It has to be leading somewhere. and I want to see where it leads#we are GOING through the disney worlds. all of them. they are COOKING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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does anyone have recommendations for fictional media that has like. actual lesbians in it. not like supergirl Two White Skinny Girls, One Blonde and One Brunette Kiss media, or "its implied lesbianism!!!" but just regular fucking lesbians
#i say lesbians but i guess i mean sapphic#im just like. tired of gnawing#and of men also. sorry men in my life i love you but on god if i have to pretend one more man is butch just to get#content that isnt m/m or m/f im going to turn into a horse and run into the wilderness until im saved from the glue factory by a plucky#young woman except instead of letting her have her formative summer where she trains me and bonds w me and wins a competition w me#im going to commit horse suicide in front of her & change her life forever. just because im so tired of bland CW-marketable women kissing &#digging for scraps in a refuse bin while brushing aside 7002993829292929939292929399394 gay and het romances#m text#i will also take nonfictional lesbians if its like a story#not to be whiny on main but one of the hardest hurdles i had to jump wasnt realizing i was a lesbian. i came out to myself and to friends a#lesbian multiple times. but i would always walk it back when a friend would express doubt or a male friend would ask me out#bc i dont and especially then didnt know very many lesbians in person. and so i had to turn to examples#and all i fucking had were fictional women who liked men. or fictional lesbians who were so cleaned and sanitized and prettified#(you all know what i mean right. the 2 skinny white girls one blonde one brunette. im not crazy right)#and i would be like. i dont feel things when i look at these fictional lesbians so i guess i belong back here#(this is also bc my gender ended up being fuckier than i realized but shhhhh)#I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THESE TAGS but theyre too long and im lost.#anyway the point is if people werent so fucking weird abt fictional or onscreen lesbians maybe thered be a lot more people comfortable bein#out as lesbian#like sorry but this awful ouroboros of 'all lesbians onscreen have to be cute and sanitized' meaning that people write and believe wlw has#to be cute and pure and sanitized (OR a 'badge of honor' bc good for u u doodled two women together or had it as a background in ur fic)#meaning that therefore all portrayals of lesbianism continue to be like this. is just#and im also gonna be honest theres probably a lot of good sapphic media im just in the wrong circles to have stumbled into lol. so#yknow. personal viewer bias here#but i still like swing wildly between overly brandishing my dykeness as a badge to feel like im proving im lesbian#and like. backing up under a blanket bc i dont wanna be weird or annoying or freak people out#but if people just Saw Normal Ass Lesbians. aough.#im going to watch revolutionary girl utena one of these days even if i struggled w the writing style the first few episodes#I JUST WANNA SEE AN OLD BUTCH ONSCREEN GET SOME PUSSY.#like it also doesnt help im mostly femme4butch so seeing 2 femmes on screen is like. okay cool so what. but only femmes are 'marketable'
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watching a lot of cooking videos lately (great for background noise while working) and just saw one where a cat hops on the KITCHEN COUNTER while the lady is cooking 🤢 that is disgusting do ppl rly let their animals up there!! that kitty has stepped in its litter box maam!!! or it could shed on that counter!!! and you're prepping food up there rn!! ew!!!
#HOW HARD IS IT TO TRAIN A CAT NOT TO GET UP THERE.#thats a rhetorical question its easy!!! bc my cat NEVER gets on counters she knows better!!#she will sit with my dog politely on the floor when im cooking!! and wait like a good girl#they know if its something they can eat that i will give them a tiny bite#and if not they can still just chill in the room with me but like. idk#maybe my cat doesnt try it bc she sees my dog not doing it and learns from him? she also wont get on furniture she doesnt see him getting o#the exception is the toilet she LOVES sitting on the toilet (closed lid ofc) but thas just her being a weirdo#she also gets obsessed with shoes but if thats the worst thing she does then id say shes p well behaved jdjkfkj#she doesnt even hurt the shoes or chew on them she will grab them nd roll like a crocodile and then rub her face on them#esp sandals or crocs but ive seen her go after sneakers too. so cute#watching that video and seeing how much that grossed me out made me appreciate my girl x10 more. im going to buy her a new toy next time#i go out somewhere#which actually im tking my dog to the vet friday so. can pick them both up some treats <3#(nothing is wrong w him its his usual grooming + arthritis shot but the vet is across from a pet store so <3 toys n treats for my lil guys)#sanchoyorambles
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Help™#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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guy trapped in a hell of his own creation: haha ive never done anything wrong in my entire life. and im always right:] anyway. why did my little brother move out:(
its so funny to me that at first glance tashi seems like hed be the most 'normal' out of all the clones but at least all the others are slowly healing n shit while hes just getting more and more insane each day and one day hell snap and explode and maim someone
#my art#my funky guys#HES SO FUCKING STUPID.#tashi im sorry ily but youre literally the dumbes fucking motherfucker ive ever seen. and a cringe loser. never change king<3#like. this guy realised he was a clone when he was a month old and decided to base his new personality entirely#on the idealised version of the original he made up in his head.#like he did this to himself!!! he chose to revolve his entire personality around being a 'perfect flawless mom friend'!!!!!!!#in his head hes like the most selfless & altruistic person to ever walk the earth but in reality hes a sad selfish mess who just wants to#be loved.#he started out as a pretty nice and level headed guy who wanted to help ppl but then it just spiraled when he made that his entire#personality bc of his inability to move on from a lie he really wanted to be true.#he percieves shiro as this perfect flawless leader figure and he wants DESPERATELY to imitate that. deep down its not enough for him to#simply coparent and share responsibility w the others. no no no he has to be The Leader and do everything himself!#this mindset results in him later on starting to dismiss and undervalue his familys work and commitment to keeping them all alive-#esp soup. like sHE WAS THERE W HIM FROM THE VERY BEGINNING THEY ARE EQUALS THEY ARE BOTH EQUALLY IMPORTRANT#AND HES SO FAR UP HIS ASS HE FORGOT. somewhere along the line he forgot. he missed the point. he spiraled too deep.#and he knows. he knows but hes so terrified of change and growth and admitting he CANT do this alone.#he wants to be a cool epic capable solo leader AND he craves family and connection soooo badly he cant live w/o his loved ones.#so yeah. hes an angry little pathetic freak<3 i love him#despite all that hes not a bad person. just a flawed guy thrown into a situation so stressful and traumatising that he clinged to the only#coping mechanism he had at the time and just sorta. ran with it.#dw he gets better tho! it takes a lot and his and sticks relationship is strained for a LONG time but he slowly gets better. good for him
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i am officially, FINALLY all caught up again in both the manga and the anime for bsd and OH BOY there are thoughts and opinions but also WHO CARES because my tags are finally FREE to be unfiltered
#hnnnnnn#i am SO happy#i am BEYOND happy#i love the arc even if i complain about it a lot#but i am also hnnnnnn…….displeased……..with a few things#the anime fr about to catch these hands#i already KNEW they were rushing it from the few episodes i had watched#but the anime is usually SO good at pacing#that i fully trusted that certain things would be slowed down for significance/impact/etc#but instead the pacing just stayed WAY too fast for me#and they ended up cutting SO many small moments that had SO much importance like im going crazy about some of them#some of the lines they cut…….#or even adjusted slightly that it drew away the impact#ugh i KNOW there was a LOT to balance and a LOT of content to get through#but i am a little disappointed that so many emotional scenes were what ended up suffering for it#this is why i don’t usually like reading the manga for animes i watch#i always end up getting disappointed by the limitations of adaptations#that being said though regardless of general limitations i don’t think some of the rushing is above criticism#and i am going to go and eat glass while seething over the particularly offensive rushing/cuts😤#OKAY DONE that’s the last i’ll say about it i would just go crazy if i didn’t vocalize it somewhere#in general i was VERY happy with the arc in both the manga and the anime i have SO much love for it#definitely a favorite for me#and THAT concludes my very vague no spoiler review#i swear one of these days my self control is going to snap#and im just going to start posting my full essays and content analysis shit about everything i watch here#but for now we’re safe and all my rants will stay spoiler free tag paragraphs instead godbless🙏
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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