#I KNOW THIS. I just spent so long depending on my parents for emotional absolution that I get stuck in it

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

:/

[pie-of-flames]

Beatles Break Up

New here, nobody knows me but I have opinions, so I'm answering this question.

10. If you were going to blame a single person for the Beatles' break-up, who would it be?

I'm new to the fandom and not the most knowledgeable person, but my current opinion is mostly John. (#something happened in India). Brian's death plus John's marriage falling apart plus whatever happened in India sent John into a downward spiral. We know he was deeply depressed in the latter part of the India trip and after his return to England. I think everything he did after that was his attempt to deal with his emotional pain, including hooking up with Yoko, doing heroin and latching onto Klein as a savior. Those things lead to the breakup.

I think that he probably had borderline personality disorder. (Caveat: not a psychologist, but I have personal experience that informs my conclusion.) People with BPD latch onto a "favorite person" on whom they're dependent for mental well-being. PAUL, then YOKO. They have no internal sense of self or identity, so they depend on others to create it. (PAUL and THE BEATLES, then YOKO) Consequently, they easily feel rejected based on imagined slights. Their psyche can't tolerate their favorite person (or others) rejecting them. Once they feel rejected, they have to do a 360 and reject the favorite person in turn to protect themselves from that all-consuming feeling of rejection, which is a threat to their sense of self. They find "evidence" to support this rejection story and fully believe in it even if it has no basis in reality.

Does this sound like anybody we know?

John - see his comments all through the 70's and his continuing obsession with Paul years after the fact. Also fear of abandonment is a common obsession of those with BPD. You can easily see how this fits John. (Parents rejecting him, always afraid of being abandoned.) People with BPD commonly suffered childhood trauma. They also commonly use drugs and alcohol to self-medicate and fill the emptiness inside. They take absolutely everything personally. And they can't put themselves in other people's shoes at all. They're incapable of it.

They also feel emotions intensely, way more intensely than most people. It's difficult for average people to understand. The emotions can be overwhelming, sometimes to the degree that every day life is difficult. (and drugs are a great way to dull those emotions). They just can't handle things the way most people can. Also they have no boundaries because they need to fully mesh with someone to feel OK.

Something happened in India™ that made it intolerable for John to keep Paul as his "favorite person." It could just have been that Paul left early and John read that as personal rejection when he wasn't feeling well mentally. Someone with BPD could definitely have reacted that way and justified their emotional reaction with a bunch of made-up stuff. Or maybe he did approach Paul sexually and Paul rejected him. John was probably also threatened by Paul's engagement to Jane. Whatever it was, it's reasonable to interpret his subsequent behavior as trying to move on from Paul as his "favorite person."

Yoko had been pursuing John for a long time after she didn't get anywhere with Paul. Here she was, offering herself up as a way out of John's dilemma. He immediately latched on to her like a lifesaver. Which she literally was. He couldn't tolerate the situation he was in emotionally. She could provide him a new identity, apart from Paul. I mean, John and Yoko spent one night together and suddenly were soulmates and creative partners? Who does that? Someone with BPD.

Then she got him hooked on heroin. Heroin allowed him to escape the Paul and Beatles situation and mesh more fully with Yoko. And once he was addicted, it took over his life. He was literally incapable of fully engaging with Paul and the Beatles, and it made creating music more difficult. He grew more reliant on Yoko to navigate life for him and to be a partner in addiction. (eg speaking for John in Get Back meeting) The other Beatles couldn't understand him any more and he'd cut himself off from them with his Yoko and heroin obsessions. In Episode 1 of Get Back, he's not really there. He looks totally out of it and barely interacts. He definitely looks high at some points. He rebounds in the later episodes - the change is remarkable and I wonder if he's taking some other drug to counteract the effects.

He wanted Paul to save him, but Paul decided he wouldn't/couldn't. It's not clear what exactly John wanted Paul to do, but bringing Yoko to the studio etc, was a clear provocation. Having her right next to him constantly while they were trying to work? Who does that? Someone with no boundaries who has insatiable emotional needs. who wants to show their former "favorite person" that they can survive without them with a new "favorite person." Maybe Paul was tired of dealing with John's needs after a dozen years. Dealing with BPD people is difficult and exhausting. I suspect if Paul had "saved" him, the Beatles wouldn't have broken up in the way they did. But maybe it was too late.

"Walking on eggshells" is a common experience for people close to a BPD sufferer, who often explodes and has temper tantrums caused by their overwhelming, intense emotions. Maybe Paul didn't want to confront John about Yoko or anything else because he was afraid John would blow up or quit on the spot. Drug use exacerbates the emotional rollercoaster.

A healthy person could've stayed in the Beatles and had a new relationship at the same time. But John couldn't because being in the Beatles meant being confronted with Paul's perceived rejection of him, not to mention his jealousy of Paul's musical ability and feeling bad about himself. (Paul has a million song ideas, creates Get Back, Let It Be and Long and Winding Road practically instantaneously, while John has almost nothing, Paul always asking him for songs.)

Anyway, I think John's heroin addiction is crucial to the break up. An addict isn't emotionally available, they only care about the drug (and for John, Yoko by extension), they feel lousy when they're not high and they don't have good judgment.

Which brings me to Klein. Klein knew how to flatter John and appeal to his needs but in addition, John needed to be rescued. Klein promised to do that. Brian had always taken care of everything and now he wasn't there. (These guys had never had to be functioning adults! They went from being teens to gigantic superstars who had everything done for them. Their accountant bought their houses! They never carried cash!) The combination of intense emotional need plus addiction got in the way of John being able to see Klein for what he was; he ignored the warning signs that Klein couldn't be trusted. Yoko supported this because she seems to have never even liked the Beatles and wanted John to go out on his own with her? (Just surmising. I don't know much about her.)

Obviously, things happened over time that made the situation worse, but John caused the trajectory towards breakup, IMHO. I think he suffered from serious mental illness made worse by drug use. He became unmoored when his pillars of semi-stability eroded - Brian and Cynthia and (something happened in India™} Paul. His mental illness made the situation emotionally intolerable for him and he had to extract himself, leading to Yoko and heroin. Those things, in turn, lead to further separation from and difficulty communicating with Paul and the band. Etc etc. etc.

[trhor]

okay, okay, I love this ask game. 4, 14, 19, and 43 for your fave!

Hi thank you for asking, these questions are a challenge and I think for you my dear, you're gonna a mix answers.

#4 Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know? Three deaths have fundamentally changed Hamish. The first death, his brother's meant he was no longer the spare. He was now heir to the throne and he wasn't prepared for it and there was nothing he could do about it. Then there was his father's death, it came quick and unexpected. He was barely learning the ropes of being heir, now he had to be the head of the household and now, he's also the king but he has his wife. Isobel was his greenlight, his soulmate, really truly his everything. So when she's gets sick, he felt powerless and when she died something died in him too. He gets a little colder and more detached, buried himself in work trying to avoid feeling grief or really an negative emotion. He isn't really as warm as he once was, he's more aloof and just different. His family can see a change but to the people he seems like a strong and capable leader. In the end, it doesn't necessarily matter how he feels or how he's changed if he's doing a good job. Right?

#14 Does your character remember names or faces easier? Hamish is really good about remember faces. Names are always on the tip of his tongue but as long as he can recall your face he can keep up an entire conversations without ever needing to utter your name.

#19 What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before? Macsen is inherently selfish and entitled, he spent his entire life being handed everything he could want on a silver platter or rather gold platter, so for him, he's never necessarily had to work for relationships. Because while he was heir, girls were practically throwing themselves at him and they were always doing ten times more to keep his attention. Which meant he had to do nothing but be himself and reap the benefits. For him to have an actual healthy relationship would require reevaluation of his life and how he behaves. He has to learn that you can't just take, if you want real lasting love like what his parents had there's work involved and that you can't always be the one to take and never give. Remember it's better to give then receive, that's just not something Macsen understands. So for him to find real happiness would require actual work on not being a selfish asshole.

#43 Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them? For Hamish, it's his people. Yes he understands that he is a figurehead who doesn't hold the same powers as the kings of old when their rules were absolute but he does know the people look to him like they would a father. There's an expectation for him to lead by example and to be steadfast. It's rather emotional taxing having to be emotionless and strong all the time. But it's what's expected of him and so it's what he must do. He doesn't hate being king, I think he just hates being neutral all the time but that's his biggest responsibility. To be king for all his people, not just some of them. So even when he'd like to speak on something, he can't or else him might offend some of people. So he focuses on his work and the causes he cares about and just keeps moving forward.

[sdvvillagers]

Families reactions for bachelorettes and bachelors expecting a baby? (｡◕‿‿◕｡) Who would be extatic about becoming grandparent/auntie and so on, and who'd be scared of new role?

First off, I am SO DANG SORRY for how long it took me to answer this.  Seriously, this ask has been in my inbox for months (along with another one that I SWEAR I’ll get to!  I’m sorry!).  Long asks like these make my brain seize up and it takes awhile to kick my brain in the pants and reboot it.  I tried to keep all responses vague in terms of spouse (for male or female partner) as well as vague in terms of pregnancy versus adoption.  Enjoy!

Alex - Evelyn and George never thought they’d see the day that they would become great-grandparents.  It seemed so far-fetched that they’d never really considered it as an option, not even when Alex got married.  It wasn’t until they actually heard Alex announce that he was going to be a father that the reality set in.  Evelyn was so overjoyed she burst into tears, beckoning Alex over to her so she could squeeze him as hard as her frail arms possibly could.  George was happy, of course, but more than anything he was proud.  Not only proud of Alex and what a wonderful father he would be, but admittedly proud of himself for living so full a life that he lived long enough to see himself become a great-grandfather.

Sam - Jodi has been excited about the prospect of having grandchildren ever since Sam was born.  Having a family and children of her own is rewarding, she can’t deny that, but there’s something different about grandkids.  She saw the way her own parents interacted with Sam and later Vincent, and saw a far more carefree relationship.  Grandparents don’t have to be disciplinarians, they don’t have to enforce strict bedtimes or limit sugar intake, they don’t have to clean up after messes or potty train.  Jodi loves being a mother when it comes to interacting with her children, it’s everything else that gets overwhelming.  Jodi definitely shrieks in excitement when Sam announces that he’s going to be a father.  Kent, usually a quiet and stoic man, will struggle to hold back his emotions as he congratulates his son.  It isn’t until later when he has a moment alone that he properly processes the news and finally allows himself to feel properly excited about it.  So much of his own children’s lives was missed by him, he hopes he can be a more present in the life of his grandchild.  And Vincent… well, Vincent is just tickled by the idea that he’ll be an uncle before he even turns 10 and will insist that everyone start calling him “Uncle Vincent” before the baby even arrives.

Seb - Robin has NO CHILL when it comes to Seb announcing that he’s going to be a father.  For years Robin worried about Seb, concerned that he would be a hermit forever and would never live a life outside of the basement.  Seeing Seb flourish the way he has and meet someone new was rewarding enough and even once Seb was in a relationship, Robin wasn’t sure if children were ever on his radar.  He didn’t seem like he wanted kids in his life and Robin still would have been happy for him even if he never pursued having children… at least that’s what she thought until the moment Seb announced he was going to be a father.  Full-on freakout on Robin’s part.  Demetrius is outwardly proud of Sebastian and congratulates him, but a part of Demetrius is worried.  His relationship as a father figure to Sebastian never really worked out and he wonders what his place will be in the life of Sebastian’s child and whether he will be treated as a grandfather or not.  Maru is SO excited to become an auntie, already she starts thinking of all the cool and fun things she wants to do with her niece/nephew.  She’s bound and determined to be the stereotypical “fun aunt”.

Shane - Marnie has spent most of her life worrying about Shane for various reasons; worried about his alcohol dependence, worried about his depression, worried about his loneliness, worried about his future.  When Shane finally does meet someone, Marnie is ecstatic.  Of course someone new will never fix a person in itself, having a partner at least helps to motivate Shane to get his life on the right track.  Marnie is absolutely thrilled when Shane announces he’s going to be a father and this is one area where she’s not worried one bit.  She’s seen how he is with Jas and what a wonderful father figure he’s been to her, Marnie’s just happy that he’ll have the chance to have this experience from the beginning.  As for Jas, she couldn’t be happier.  It’s always been a bit lonely for her, it’s been tough for her to find her place in the family dynamic.  But with Shane getting married and now a new baby arriving, Jas finally feels like she’s settling into a family and becoming part of something she’s always wanted.

Abigail - Caroline and Pierre are so proud of the woman that Abi has grown into.  Yes, they had their disagreements as Abi was growing up and even into her young adulthood, but those were all overcome once Abi started to make a life for herself.  It was worrisome to both Caroline and Pierre when Abi was so carefree and didn’t have a direction she wanted to go in life, it seemed like the last thing in life she wanted was to settle down and live a domestic life.  Apparently all Abi needed was to find the right person to complement her and everything fell into place.  Abi is still the somewhat rebellious girl she had been and there’s still many things Pierre and Caroline will never understand about her, but it at least brings them comfort to see her happy.  When she announces that she’s going to be a mother, Pierre and Caroline are relieved and overjoyed.  It was never anything they thought would happen to them when their only child was so outwardly against domesticity, but they’re so happy that she found a way to live that life and still be happy.

Emily - When Emily announces that she is going to be a mother, Haley literally SHRIEKS in excitement.  At this point in her life Haley might not be ready for a baby, but that doesn’t mean she’s not completely excited to have one in her life.  What follows is the biggest shopping trip of Haley’s life, she finds herself buying more in preparation for the new baby than even Emily does.  No niece or nephew of Haley’s will go unspoiled.  She can’t wait to be the cool aunt.

Haley - It’s strange for Emily when she hears that Haley will be a mother.  Most of Emily’s life was spent caring for Haley more as her mother than as her sister, it isn’t until recently that they’ve been able to find a happy place in their relationship where Emily can finally feel like a sister.  Now the dynamic is changing once again and Emily feels more like a grandmother than an auntie, the connection to Haley and her child is that strong.  Somehow calling herself an aunt just doesn’t seem powerful enough, it doesn’t seem worthy enough.  Emily knows she will be more than just an aunt to Haley’s child and has ever intention of treating her niece or nephew the way any grandmother would.

Maru - Robin and Demetrius beam with pride when Maru announced that she’s going to be a mother.  While Demetrius always focused more on Maru’s success in her studies and her career, Robin always worried in the back of her mind if this measure of success was the only one Maru would cling to.  Robin hoped that Maru would learn that her success could be measured just as much by her personal relationships and family life and that Maru was smart enough and driven enough to have it all.  Seeing Maru in a happy relationship and hearing the news that she’s starting a family is a relief to Robin to see that she never devalued having a family and it’s a relief to Demetrius to see that his motivated daughter is living a full life.  Sebastian isn’t outwardly excited about the prospect of being an uncle, then again there isn’t much he’s outwardly excited about.  Inwardly, though, he’s strangely looking forward to being an uncle.  Yes, it will be awkward and he’s certainly never been a fan of babies or even small children, but somehow the idea of playing Solarian Chronicles with his niece or nephew many years from now is a vision he can’t stop seeing and enough to get him actually excited.

Penny - Pam knows how long Penny has waited for this moment and it’s for that reason that Pam is actually quite worried for her.  Pam knows how much the idea of being a wife and mother has been glorified in Penny’s mind but Pam understands from experience just how difficult parenting can really be.  It’s hard to truly make someone understand just how hard parenting can be and that it’s not the beautiful, rewarding experience it can sometimes be painted as.  Parenting can be soul-crushing, it can be exhausting, it can be overwhelming, and Pam worries that Penny might not be ready for that aspect of it.  Of course Pam is thrilled at the news that she’ll be a grandmother, but a part of her is also worried about what kind of grandmother she’ll be.  She fully acknowledges that she wasn’t exactly the best mother in the world and that somehow Penny turned out okay in spite of that.  Being told that she’ll be a grandmother gives Pam some relief that maybe she’ll get a second chance… she just hopes she won’t screw it up.

[lovely-ateez]

Broken Strings~

ꕥPosted: 7/20/21

ꕥGenre: Fluff, Angst, Smut, College!au, Rockstar!au

ꕥPairing: Fem!Reader x Rockstar!Yunho

ꕥWord Count: 10k+

ꕥWarnings (please read all!!): Yunho’s ex is an absolute asshat, death threats towards both Yunho and reader, mention of knives used as weapons, San is a bisexual king (happy late pride month), unprotected pool sex/public sex (no one is around but I guess it still counts), masturbation (f), foul language, mentions of alcohol intake, reader is mentioned to have dark brown eyes several times which you can just ignore if you have different colored eyes ofc, mentions of a restraining order against an ex, please let me know if I missed something!!

ꕥTag List: @cappujinho @bobateastay @nevieatiny 

ꕥA/N: The song lyrics are ones that I wrote myself specifically for this au and I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous about posting it. I know there isn’t any tune or anything, but hopefully it sounds like a real song someone might sing. Also I’m not writing angst for a while after this holy shit I’ve been crying too much over this I’m emotional okay

“Date night! Date night! Date night!” I grabbed my boyfriend’s arm, bouncing on my toes.

Yunho raised a hand to cover his ear, scrunching his face, “Babe, I love you, but I think you’ve deafened me.”

I pouted at his tone and crossed my arms, “You’re such a grump.”

“Oh whatever.” He smiled, “You ready?”

I smiled at him and nodded.

Ever since his band, Sidekick Heart, began to pick up traction, he had less free time and our full-day dates once a week soon became date nights every few weeks. Most of his time was spent writing songs, producing them, and practicing endlessly. The fact that he had a tour coming up soon just meant he had even less spare time. I was happy for him, of course, but I couldn’t hide my disappointment that he was leaving.

In middle school, he and three of his friends formed a band for fun, which they kept with all throughout high school. They got good, really good and almost right after they graduated they were signed by a label. Now, three years later, they’d already released two albums and one EP and earned enough money to make a living, which was why Yunho dropped out of college a month ago. Since he had steady career path, he saw no reason to continue and decided to focus on music. He still visited me at college whenever he got the chance, but his visits were becoming more and more sporadic.

We started dating freshman year of college. We had our difficulties as most couples do, but everyday I thanked the stars for pairing us together. I met him on the first day of French class, a day I know I could never forget, no matter how how our future played out.

I sat my backpack on the table in front of me, looking around the empty classroom. I was ten minutes early, so I wasn’t surprised about the lack of students. It was a bit unlikely for me to be so early, but I wasn’t able to sleep the night before and so I had extra time to get ready. With nothing else to do, I took out my phone, reading some missed text messages.

I heard the door open and my head tilted upwards, meeting eyes with a fluffy-haired brunet. He shyly smiled at me and I returned the gesture. The man took a seat in the front row across from me, only a few chairs in between us. I found it cute that he liked to sit in the front of the classroom, too. Very few people did. He turned away from me to place his backpack on the floor and take out a few books. I took the opportunity to look at him. He was attractive, for sure. His short sleeved solid black shirt followed his movements, tattoos peaking through his top. The shirt itself tucked was into ripped jeans, his black shoes matching the outfit, along with various accoutrements. His look was uncommon for college students, most just wore sweatpants with with a casual shirt. I thanked myself for dressing nice that day.

I tilted my head to get a better look at his side profile. He was so handsome that I seemed to forget I was staring. I couldn’t help but get caught up in him, not realizing that I was no longer being subtle.

He spoke without moving to face me, “You’re pretty cute, too.”

“I-I what?” My eyes widened, realizing I’d been caught.

He turned, a charming smile on his face, “You aren’t exactly discreet.”

I took a breath, trying to form a coherent sentence, “Well...can you blame me?”

He pursed his lips, trying to hide a smile, “I appreciate the compliment. What’s your name?”

I hesitated before answering him, which brought a full smile to his face. He moved closer to me before holding out his hand for me to shake. I grabbed his hand and shook it, trying to keep my hands steady. His hand was soft, clearly he took care of himself.

“I’m Yunho.”

I smiled, observing the way he lit up as he turned my hand, placing a delicate kiss on my skin. I felt my face heat up and averted my eyes. Yunho chuckled as he released my hand. Both of us looked up at the sound of the door opening, a group of students entered, followed by a lady who I presumed to be the teacher.

Yunho looked at me, “Meet me after class?”

I nodded, biting my lip as I felt excitement build in my stomach, wanting nothing more than for class to end as soon as possible.

The instant the teacher ended her lecture she left with the rest of the students, who were talking among themselves. My eyes flickered to Yunho to find him looking back at me, his backpack now thrown over his shoulders.

“You have any classes after this?” He asked in a nonchalant manner. Later he confessed to me that he was far more nervous than he appeared, claiming that he fell in love with me at first sight.

I finished placing my notebook in my bag, zipping it up and putting the straps over my arms, “Yeah, unfortunately. I’ve got World Politics in ten minutes.” 

“Aww damn. I was hoping we could grab some food.” He reached into his pants’ pocket, pulling out his phone, “Maybe I could get your number instead and we could meet up later?” He wasn’t pushy or demanding, simply asking.

I nodded quickly, “I’d like that, Yunho.”

He suddenly became more shy, the tips of his ears dusting a beautiful shade of pink, “I like the way you say my name.”

I giggled, trying to hide my own shyness. I took his phone and entered my number, really hoping that he would text me. As if he read my mind, he confirmed what I was thinking.

“I’ll text you,” He looked at me with sparkling eyes before shaking his head, like he was pulled back to reality, “Oh uh...you should probably get to class.“ He raised a hand, somewhat awkwardly scratching the back of his head.

“Yeah I probably should. I’ll see you around?”

He smiled, “I’ll see ya.”

-

It wasn’t long before he texted me, and it made my heart flutter that he kept his word. A day later we met up, grabbing ice cream and getting to know each other. He was a dance major and had to practically beg his parents to let him pursue dance. In return they said he had to repay them with getting straight A’s. He had one younger brother who was possibly the biggest baseball fan to ever exist, he roomed with three men he’d been friends with since kindergarten, and he absolutely adored my brown eyes.

“They’re just beautiful.” Yunho gushed, “Both times I’ve seen you they just sparkle and shine like they’ve got their own little galaxies in them. I’ve never seen anyone with such genuine, kind eyes.”

I let out a girly laugh at the compliment and covered my mouth with a hand, “You’re really trying to flatter me, aren’t you?”

“Depends. Is it working?” He laughed as he propped his head on one of his hands, leaning closer to me in the booth we were sitting in. We’d finished our ice cream long ago, now shamelessly flirting and getting lost in each other.

“It might be.”

“Well I do mean it. I’m not only trying to flatter you.”

The ringing of his phone caught our attention. He smiled apologetically and reached for the device. He sighed, reading the contact name and looking back up at me.

“I’m sorry I’ve gotta take this. It’s one of my roommates and it’s entirely possible they’ve set the house on fire.”

I laughed, “It’s okay, go ahead.”

Yunho excused himself as he answered the call, walking outside. I took a look around the shop we were in, smiling at all the decorations when I noticed a woman sitting alone, eating ice cream and staring at me. Her eyes were such an ice blue that they made her intimidating, to say the least. I wasn’t too surprised, I’d dressed nice and all throughout the day I’d been getting looks. Taking it as a compliment I smiled at her and waited for Yunho to return.

“So good news,” He started as he sat back down in the booth, running a hand through his hair, which was way more attractive than it should’ve been, “They haven’t burnt down the apartment, but San—he’s one of my roommates—his car ran out of gas a few miles away from here so I’ve gotta go help him. Can I drive you back to your own apartment first?”

“Oh no, I don’t want to worry you.” I waved a hand, “I can have a friend pick me up.”

He nodded, “If you’re more comfortable with that, sure, but I’d rather drive you home, if that’s okay.”

I nodded, walking with him as he guided me out to his car. We had our first kiss when he dropped me off, leaving me with the promise of another date, and he delivered. Time and time again he proved he truly cared about me, which inevitably led to a relationship.

We heard a loud crashing in the basement of the house and Yunho let out a frustrated groan, “Oh god it’s happening again.”

He walked over to the basement door, opening it and sighing at the loud yells emitting from below.

“What is it this time?” Yunho shouted.

Wooyoung’s voice rung out, “San won’t let me use the controller!”

The man in front of me placed a hand over his eyes, over the situation entirely, “You’re still fighting over that game?”

“Crash Bandicoot waits for no man!”

“San let him have the controller or I’ll come down there and I’ll beat both of your asses!” Yunho shut the door, giving me a tired smile and walking back to me, “You’d think we would’ve outgrown this stage by now. I’d fire them both and hire a new bassist and drummer if I could.”

“Okay that’s an absolute lie, and you say that like you’re any better. I saw you arguing with Seonghwa over the last bag of chips yesterday.”

He pointed a finger at me, not trying to hide the smile on his face, “Okay that was absolutely valid. I bought those and they were mine.”

I smirked. “My point still stands.”

He rolled his eyes playfully, changing the subject, “How about after our date I sing you a couple of our new songs?” He leaned closer, his lips barely grazing my ear, “I wrote a few about you.”

I pulled back from him, feeling warmth spread in my chest. “Really? You did?”

Yunho wrapped an arm around my waist, “How could I not? You’re always my inspiration.”

I let out a string of incoherent gibberish which prompted the most adorable eye smiles from my boyfriend. I felt too honored to put my emotions into words.

“Go on.” Yunho motioned to the front door, “Grab your purse and head out to my car. I’ll let the guys know we’re going and I’ll meet you outside.”

I gave him a salute, “You got it cap’n!”

His eyes warmed, “God, I love you.”

“I know!” I teased before I grabbed my purse and skipped out of the house. The sun would be setting soon and I admired the several hues that were painted within the sky. I sat on the hood of his car, swinging my feet as I saw him walk out of the house.

“So where exactly are we going?” I tilted my head, looking forward to his response.

“Well I’ve got a couple ideas.” He held up his long fingers and counted off on them, “We could go bowling, or we could have a late night picnic, or maybe...” He moved closer, placing his hands on either side of me with a mischievous grin, “We could go swimming.”

My face lit up, “I haven’t been swimming in forever!”

“I know, that’s why I recommended it.” He laughed, “Let’s break into the swimming pool downtown. It’s definitely closed by now so we can be alone.”

I raised my brows at his words, a smile widening on my face, “Don’t we need to bring swimsuits, though?”

Yunho grinned at me and moved a hand to ruffle my hair, “Nope. We’re going without ‘em.” He lifted me off his car, “Hop in, babe.”

-

We approached the fence with our hands interlocked, a new message greeting us. A red and black sign with the words ‘No Trespassing’ was attached haphazardly to one of the metal wires looped through the fence surrounding the pool.

Yunho tsked, “Aw that’s cute. Like that’s gonna keep us out. This is basically our pool anyways.” 

I laughed, both of us knowing full well there was no method of security beyond the sign and fence. The pool had never installed security cameras and after word spread that the owner had a fear of advancing technology, we had no worry of being caught.

He cupped his hands, holding them out for me to step on. I placed my foot on his hands as he lifted me up, helping me scale the fence. I stepped back, feeling a thrill as Yunho jumped over. It was probably the fourth or fifth time we’d done this, but each time was just as exciting. We walked over to the edge of the pool, its light blue water and the dark blue of the sunset opposing one another but making a beautiful visual.

“Alright, off we go.” Yunho’s fingers danced to the hem of my shirt, then pulling it off and ridding me of the layer of clothing. He pressed several kisses to the exposed skin, making me shiver.

Yunho then pulled back from me, slowly removing his shirt and giving me a teasing look when he caught me staring at his abs, “I look good, don’t I?”

“Shut up,” I laughed, lightly slapping his strong, tattooed arm before removing my skirt, enjoying the way my boyfriend’s eyes devoured me. I returned the action when I saw him remove his jeans, something he was clearly enjoying as well.

I turned back to the pool only to be thrown over Yunho’s shoulders. He let out a string of laughs as I struggled to get down, fearing that he would throw me into the water.

“If you throw me into the pool I’ll kill you!” I laughed, squirming on his shoulders.

“No...I would never do something like that.” I wasn’t even facing him, but I could hear the smile in his voice, which was my only indication that he was about to throw me into pool.

Before I could try to make any sort of escape, he tossed me into the water. It was cold, but less cold than I expected it to be. I coughed up a bit of water as I resurfaced and when I opened my eyes I squinted at Yunho, annoyed at how attractive he looked with the evil smirk on his face.

“You’re a jerk.” I said with no venom behind my words.

“Yeah, yeah. Brace yourself I’m coming in.”

I barely had time to move before he jumped in, his legs tucked to his chest. “Cannonball!”

I moved my hands in front of my face to block the wave of water coming my way, not feeling any surprise about my boyfriend’s childish behavior. When he resurfaced he faced me with a smile, wading towards me, embracing me in his arms, and wrapping my legs around his waist. He was so tall that he could reach the bottom of the pool without having to swim, unlike me, where I was no near reaching the bottom and needed to swim in place. With a satisfied hum he pressed several wet kisses to my neck.

“I love you,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by my skin.

“I love you too, babe.” I hesitated before I said my next words, still overwhelmed at how strong my feelings were for him, “You’re the love of my life.”

He pulled back with a bright smile on his face, his eyes shining almost as if he was tearing up, “I knew you were the love of my life the moment I saw you. And you’re all mine.” Yunho said before he placed a delicate kiss to my lips.

“All yours, babe.”

His long fingers danced along my sides, grabbing at my hips as he began to attack my chest with kisses. I giggled as the feeling of his stubble tickled my skin.

“You know, you really ‘oughta shave before you get a full beard.”

“Why? Are you saying I wouldn’t look good with one?”

I cupped his face, “You’d look amazing with one, but I thought you didn’t like beards, babe?”

“Hate ‘em.” Yunho’s laugh echoed around us, “Really weird that men can grow them in the first place. But anyways...”

His hands made quick work of my bra, letting it sink to the bottom of the pool. I opened my mouth to scold him but before I could his mouth latched to my right nipple, sucking and nipping on it in a way that made my hands seek out his hair and tug harshly at his locks. Letting out a growl, Yunho placed one hand on the the pool wall for balance and the other on my back, drawing abstract shapes there.

Yunho moved to my other nipple, giving it the same treatment and smiling when he heard my moans. In a flash he removed his hand from my back and pressed me against the pool wall, his hand now traveling to my panties.

As he removed the final item of clothing he ran a finger over my clit, giggling to himself. I gave him a look and he clarified, “Babe, you’re wet enough to fill an entire swimming pool.”

I groaned, pressing my head into his chest, “You make that same god awful joke every time we come here.”

“And as such I couldn’t let tradition die.”

“Shut up and fuck me.” I laughed, promptly helping him out of his boxers.

He continued to tease me after, switching between playing with my clit and stretching me out with his long fingers. By the time he finally gave in, I was a whimpering, pathetic mess, begging for more.

As he aligned with my walls he looked at me with delicate eyes, “Ready, little flower?”

I nodded quickly, chanting ‘yes’ over and over. Yunho once again placed a hand on the wall and hooked one of my legs over his waist, allowing him to thrust deeper inside me. He held my hand with his free one, a simple action that always melted my heart. Despite how long we’d been together, I would always get overwhelmed by him so easily. Everything about him exuded such a strong aura that sometimes just the smallest kiss would leave me breathless. The first time we were intimate he took his hand in mine and assured me he would be gentle, and every time since he’s held my hand. It wouldn’t feel right without our hands together.

“Shit—it’s been way too long since we’ve done this.” I said as he snapped his hips into mine, quickly repeating the action.

“God I know.” He let out a pained groan at the thought of it, “Four months is gonna be fucking awful without you.”

“Guess we’ll have to make do with what we’ve got now.”

“Guess we will.”

The sounds of water splashing and the echos of our moans, a symphony I had become so familiar with, was gradually reaching its crescendo. It was getting harder to keep my eyes open but I forced them to be, needed to memorize everything about this moment. The sweat dripping down Yunho’s forehead, the tattooed muscles he was flexing, the sounds and praise he was emitting, and pleasure we were both feeling--I wouldn’t see nor feel this for the next four months.

A particular snap of his hips had me seeing stars and I called out to him, letting him know I was close. Within minutes, both of us were panting and reeling from our highs. Yunho pressed his nose against mine and both of us closed our eyes, enjoying each other’s presence.

“How come every time we come here it ends in sex?” I giggled.

He blinked and moved a strand of wet hair out of my face, “Because you’re hot and barely wearing any clothes and no one’s around.”

I blushed at his compliment, “I mean like I’m not complaining or anything.”

A cocky smile formed on Yunho’s face, “Well it certainly didn’t sound like you were a moment ago.”

“Yunho!”

The man laughed, lifting me up and spinning me around in the pool before cradling me in his arms.

“I hate to say it, but we do need to head back. The world awaits for us, I’m afraid.”

I sighed, pressing into his chest, “I’m gonna miss you.”

He stilled as he pulled me closer, “I’m gonna miss you, too. You don’t have to miss me yet, though.”

“I know.” I swallowed, wishing I had something more to say.

“Come on, then.” Yunho gave me a quick kiss, “Let’s head back.”

-

Yunho held the front door open for me, giving me a gentle slap on my ass when I walked through. I turned around and gave him a playfully annoyed look, which he only laughed at.

As we walked towards the living room, the sound of a random sitcom filled our ears. Six heads turned our way after hearing our footsteps. Seonghwa was resting his head against his long-time girlfriend. She was a sweet girl and complimented him more than any woman I’d seen him with. They really were soulmates, if they ever existed.

San was sitting holding hands with a man he’d been interested in for awhile. I’d often see him flirting with various men and women, but he never went any further than that, too afraid of commitment. This man; however, seemed to breaking through San’s walls. I really hoped they would work out, San deserved someone as kind as him.

Wooyoung sat across from the them, who acknowledged us first.

“Hey guys. Have fun?” Wooyoung asked, smiling at my soaked hair. He had his arm around a woman I’d never seen before and I was certain that none of us would ever see her again. He had the reputation of a playboy, and every poor woman thought they’d be the one exception, the one to make him stay. I’m sure the allure of being a drummer in a band was part of his appeal, too. Maybe one day, like San, he’d settle down.

The woman became visibly upset when Wooyoung looked me with a teasing glance. Feeling sympathy for her, I decided to do my best to calm her nerves.

I spoke for us, linking hands with my boyfriend. “Yeah, we did. I think we’re gonna go clean up though.” I looked at the woman, “I’m y/n, by the way. I’m Yunho’s girlfriend.”

She didn’t even try to hide the relief on her face. “Oh! I’m Solar. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah,” Wooyoung started, “Best girlfriend he’s ever had. Much better for him than Lucy.”

Yunho glared at the man, “Thought we agreed not to bring her up?”

Lucy, the woman Yunho dated before me, was arguably the scariest person I’d ever heard about. They dated for roughly three months before she became obsessive, to the point where Yunho had to get a restraining order against her. She threatened to hurt all of Yunho’s friends and family, all because she wanted Yunho all to herself. That was about all Yunho ever told me about her. Not that I complained. I didn’t exactly want to discuss his exes, even more so when they were that crazy.

I never told him, but I knew I saw her the first date we went on. I could see the way her piercing, ice eyes saw through me. I had no doubt it was her. I just hope I’d never see her again. Maybe now that she saw he was taken she’d leave us alone. There was an uncomfortable silence following, none of us knowing what to say until San spoke.

“You look like a wet dog, Yunho.” San joked, prompting laughter from a few of us, which seemed like more of a noise of relief rather than one of actual humor.

“Yeah, yeah.” My boyfriend relaxed his shoulders, “I think we’re gonna head in for the night so don’t make too much noise.” Waving them goodbye he caught up with me, placing a hand around my waist.

“Shower with me, doll.”

I placed a hand on his chest, “I would love to.”

-

I came out of the shower wearing my favorite large shirt of Yunho’s, drying my wet hair with a towel. The smell of chlorine had gone away for the most part; whatever chemicals the owner put in that pool always made the smell harder to get rid of. Only a small price to pay, I figured.

My boyfriend, who was much quicker than I was, looked up from his phone as he was splayed out across his bed. His tired eyes smiled at me while motioning me over. Yunho’s own hair was still drying and with his bare face and crooked smile, he was as handsome as he could ever be.

“Hey there.”

“Hey, sweetheart.” He reached an arm out to me, pulling me against him when I took his hand, “How ya feeling?”

“Tired.” I hummed, sleepily smiling against his neck.

“Too tired to listen to the song I wrote for you?”

“No! Not at all.”

Yunho chuckled, slowly brushing my hair aside and turning his head to look at me. As he had countless times, he took a breath before he turned to me, beginning to sing.

“You give me fireworks

I’ll give you the kindest words, my dear

Your love caught me

The moment I met your eyes

And how could I not fall?

Your heart bared, no disguise”

I fought to stay awake although his melodic voice seemed to be lulling me to sleep. I felt myself losing consciousness, but managed to catch the last few lyrics he sang to me.

“Now I sunbathe in the daybreak

Half asleep, half awake

Writing this song

As I hope I’ll dream of you”

Yunho brushed his fingertips brush against my face before he spoke, “Goodnight, flower.”

I muttered some form of a “goodnight” before I felt sleep take over me, nuzzling happily against my boyfriend.

-

I woke up in a panic, unsure why my heart was beating so fast until I looked at the clock. Eleven in the morning. I was an hour later than I should’ve been at my job. It seemed that even unconscious my body knew I was late.

“Oh shit I’m gonna be late for work!” I spoke with wide eyes.

Jumping from Yunho’s bed I stripped myself of his shirt and quickly threw my clothes on. The body that laid beside me stirred, moving the covers aside.

“Are you leaving?” He asked sleepily, his face puffy from sleep and an adorable pout on his lips.

I frowned, “Yeah. I’m sorry we didn’t get to spend more time together, babe.”

He shook his head, “Don’t worry about it. Both of us slept in.”

I tied my hair back, sighing. I was so caught up in my thoughts I almost missed Yunho’s question.

“Sorry what was that?”

He smiled, “You’re coming to our going away party tomorrow, right?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I moved back to the bed and hugged him, feeling my heart sink. I was proud of him, I really was, yet couldn’t help but feel sad that I wouldn’t see him for so long.

This was the longest tour they’d ever gone on and we’d never been apart from each other that long before. I trusted him and I was confident in our relationship, but realistically, all members of Sidekick Heart were attractive young men and a good portion of their fans were female. I was far more concerned about the female audience doing something than I was about Yunho making a move on another woman.

With one last squeeze of his shoulders I pulled back, goodbyes beginning to fall from my lips before Yunho pulled me back.

“I need a goodbye kiss.”

I pressed my lips together with a smile, gladly indulging him. Giving him one last kiss against the lips, I bid him farewell until the following day.

-

“So how was work?” My roommate asked as I walked in the house, propping her feet up on our couch and tossing a kernel of corn into her mouth, the lighting of the TV illuminating her blanket-covered body.

I sighed, sitting down on the floor next to her, “Other than being an hour and a half late and missing an important meeting I think it went okay. I’m just glad the day’s over.” Rubbing a hand over my face I turned to her, “What about you? How was your day?”

“Pretty damn good actually.” She smiled, removing the blanket and showing me the new ink on her upper arm. It was an assortment of flowers and matched her bubbly personality perfectly. They were now the fifth adornment on her beautiful dark skin, each one of them tempting me more and more to get a few of my own.

“Another one already, Tiff?”

“Listen, you’ll know how addicting they get as soon as you get your first.”

“You sound so confident that I will.”

“Oh I know you will. You’re dating a rockstar, after all. Not to mention he’s the goddamn lead singer and has tattoos of his own.”

“Shut up.” I giggled, “Speaking of, are you coming to the farewell party tomorrow?”

“I plan on it, but I’ll probably be there a couple hours late. My dad’s flying into town for the weekend so I plan on visiting first. I’m definitely coming though.”

I hummed, “Yeah, don’t worry too much about it. We all know it’ll go till sunrise anyway.”

She let out a loud laugh, likely remembering the last party of theirs we went to where she ended up more drunk than I’d ever seen her. She claims she remembers flashes of the night; playing strip beer pong and being dared to steal one of the neighbor’s bushes—which, after much convincing from those who were sober, she decided against it—but didn’t recall half of the hilarious memories of her the rest of us did. Personally, my favorite was watching her hold a tomato soup can and cry over the fact that it could never have children.

Tiff let out a yawn as she stretched her arms above her head, turning in my direction. Her words were muffled by her yawn as she spoke, “Imma go to bed now. You good before I go?”

I smiled at her, “Yeah I’m good. I won’t stay up too much longer, just need to go through my nightly routine of looking at the stars, ya know, the usual.”

She nodded, wrapping the blanket around her and heading to her bedroom, “Sleep well, babe. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”

“Back at ya.”

It was a habit of mine, gazing at the night sky before sleeping. It gave me comfort knowing that out there, somewhere, there was something else out there with me. Almost like I wasn’t going through everything alone.

I set my purse down when I reached our kitchen, reaching for a tea pot and tea bags, brainlessly brewing my favorite tea as I thought of what Yunho might be doing right now. It was probably most likely that he was practicing for their tours, but I could only hope he was getting a little bit of rest.

I stepped out onto our porch to look at the stars with a cup of tea in my hands, the night sky twinkling with all the stars it could offer. A slight breeze rustled my hair and I closed my eyes, thankful for the pleasant weather. I heard a sudden snap of a branch and my eyes quickly opened as I searched out property for any sign of an aggressive animal. My eyes finally landed on a human-like figure. Feeling adrenaline run though me, I decided to confront whoever or whatever it was.

“Who are you? What are you doing here?” I spoke, my voice loud but not quite a yell.

The figure took off it’s hood to show their face, and I saw a familiar pair of ice blue eyes, though I hadn’t seen them in years, “I’m here to see you, of course.”

My brain quickly connected her to the woman I hoped I’d never see again.

Lucy.

“Well I don’t want to see you. Leave.”

She pressed a hand to her chest, feigning offense, “But I came all this way! Just to...say hello.”

I took a step towards her, hoping that if I appeared confrontational she would leave me alone. “I don’t know who you are, now please leave. I’m not going to say it again.”

“Oh, you poor girl. You really think you have the upper hand?” She pulled out a knife, and walked towards me at impressive speed, pointing the weapon at my throat. “I know you’ve been seeing Yunho. I. Don’t. Like. That.” She emphasized every word of the last sentence, anger woven within her voice.

I wanted to fight back. Everything in me was screaming to fight back, but I knew I had no chance. I had no idea what she was capable of, and I didn’t dare to find out.

“I dated him first and he’s still mine. You’re going to break up with him, you hear me?” She screamed in my ear, the sound shaking me to my core, “I never want to see you near him again.” She grabbed my jaw harshly, forcing my eyes to lock with hers. “I bet he doesn’t even love you.”

My eyes watered. I knew she was wrong, but with the adrenaline coursing through my veins and the harshness of her words I began to doubt myself.

Her grip tightened and I let out a yelp, “He loves me and I love him. He’s always loved me, not you. Why would he ever love a thing like you?”

She then threw me to the ground, towering over me, “Break up with him. Make him hate you. If you don’t,” She squatted down next to me, once more pointing the knife at my throat, “I’ll kill him myself and make you watch. Then,” She cocked her head, a crazed smile plastered on her face, “I’ll kill you. If I can’t have him, no one can.” She stood, smirking at me, “And you know I will.”

She kicked me in the stomach, watching as I crawled into myself, groaning from the pain. I closed my eyes, hoping she wouldn’t hurt me any more than she already had.

“I’ll be watching you at the party tomorrow. Do it then. Break his heart. I’ll kill him then and there if you don’t.” She looked down at me and scoffed, “And I’ll be bringing friends to make sure the job gets done.”

I carefully opened my eyes to see her stepping over me, walking back into the darkness from which she came. I scrambled back into my house, hyperventilating from the interaction I just had.

I spent the night crying, not able to sleep even for a minute. I tried to think rationally, but there were just too many variables. How many ‘friends’ was she bringing? Would she really kill Yunho in front of everyone? Where would she be watching me from? Is she watching me now?

I could text or call Yunho to let him know, but where would we go from there? He’d want to meet me and she’d kill him instantly. Right?

“Maybe I could pull him aside at the party and warn him?” I murmured to myself, “No, she could probably see that. Maybe there’s people actually at the party who are looking out for us, too.” I covered my face with my hands and fell back into my pillows, weeping as I knew I had to break up with the love of my life.

-

Choosing to wear a yellow dress honestly couldn’t have been more ironic. Yellow was supposed to be a happy color. A color of hope and yearning, innocence and warm days full of laughter. It was the complete antithesis of how I felt and what I knew I had to do. Even worse, the weather was perfect. It was sunny, but not so much to make it unbearable outside. Everything about today made my insides twist.

I took a breath at the door of Yunho’s house, bracing myself for what I had to do. Knocking a few times I heard a commotion inside before the man I came to see opened the door. His smile had never been bigger.

“Baby!” He cheered, pulling me into a bear hug and ruffling my styled hair, “I’m so excited you’re here!”

He looks so ecstatic. And I have to break him.

The thought crushed me and brought tears to my eyes, but I couldn’t let him die. I knew she was serious, I didn’t doubt that for a moment. I grabbed Yunho’s arm, pulling him outside and away from everyone in the house.

I looked at the ground as I felt my lips begin to quiver, “I’m sorry. I just need to get this over with.”

Yunho bent down to meet my eyes, “Hey, hey. What’s going on sweetheart?” His voice was gentle, one of his hands coming to rub the tears from my face, “I’m here for you, whatever it is.”

I looked down, unable to look him in the eyes. I hated myself more than I’d ever hated anyone. “I don’t love you, Yunho.” My hands began to shake beyond my control, my own body knowing I was making a mistake.

“W-what?” Yunho’s voice cracked. A moment of silence passed before he let out a hollow laugh, “Baby, you don’t mean that-”

I looked up at him and immediately wished I hadn’t. Tears were welling in his eyes, his own hands beginning to shake.

“I said I don’t love you Yunho!” I said louder than I intended, “Not anymore. I don’t want to be with you. I’m sorry.”

He took a step back and I noticed his hands clenching, something he always did to keep himself from crying.

“If that’s what you want,” Tears fell from his eyes before he finished his sentence, “Then I’ll support your decision.” He looked to the side, not knowing what else to say.

I wanted nothing more than to throw myself in his arms and explain everything, tell him that I’ve never stopped loving him, not even for a second, but I couldn’t. Instead, I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand and looked at him one last time. He was so fucking handsome, so goddamn kind, and here I was doing this to him. Maybe he did deserve someone better.

“Good luck with your tour, Yunho. I know you’ll be fantastic.”

I turned and walked away from him quickly, leaving the house and ignoring the stare I could feel on me. I ran across the yard to my car, starting the engine and leaning my head against the steering wheel. I felt myself lose all oxygen in my body, the only option left to take large gasps of air. My vision was so clouded by tears I couldn’t even see anymore. I’d just lost myself along with my other half. I’d never felt as empty as I did in that moment.

Just then I heard a knocking on my window. I half-hardheartedly lifted my head and felt my heart lurch. Yunho was standing outside my car, eyes red and puffy, looking at me like I was the last person he’d ever see. I opened my car without thinking, my breathing still as uneven as before.

Yunho spoke, his voice coarse and distant, “I’m not asking you to change your mind, but I need you to know that I have always loved you and I always will. That will never change.”

I wiped the snot from my nose but didn’t bother to try and fix the mascara I knew was streaming down my face. I knew I had to look horrible, but he still held so much love for me that it was easy to see in his eyes. I fought myself to not reply, knowing that if I’d open my mouth all I’d say was ‘I love you’ over and over again.

“Is it too out of line to ask for a last hug?” He smiled sadly as more tears poured from his eyes.

I shook my head, running into his arms and embracing him. I felt like I made a mistake the moment I did because I could smell him. He was wearing the cologne I bought him for his birthday. His warm, sturdy chest...everything about him felt like home.

“Goodbye, Yunho.”

-

I arrived at home alone, tears still stinging my eyes. Tiff was nowhere to be found and I couldn’t decide if I was thankful or sad for the fact that she wasn’t there. I barely made it out to our porch before collapsing once again, finding it harder and harder to breathe. I didn’t know how long I was sitting there, it could’ve been one hour or three, but given the setting sun it looked like it was the latter. Once more I heard a noise outside our home, and once more the female figure appeared before me.

“You did good,” Lucy said, twirling her knife in her hands, “Dare I say I’m proud of you.”

“I don’t ever want to see you here again.” I cried, “I did what you want now get the fuck away from me.”

“My, my. You have quite the mouth on you, don’t you?” She tsked, “But you did as I asked, so I might as well comply. Don’t; however, think that you can go crawling back to Yunho and tell him about this. I’ll keep watching you and if you decide to do just that...I’ll follow through with my promise.”

I kept my eyes on the ground, convinced that if I looked up at her I’d attempt to rip the hair out of her head. No anger I had ever felt before could surmount to the rage I was feeling.

“Nonetheless, it was a pleasure doing business with you, miss.”

As soon as she came, she was gone. When I finally let myself look up, I could no longer see her, only darkness. Once again, I was alone.

-

Six months had passed since I broke up with Yunho and today officially made the third new date I’d went on. All of them were absolutely horrible. It wasn’t even that the guys were mean or rude or weren’t attractive, they just weren’t him.

Why am I even trying to move on?

I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes looked heavy, the bags under my eyes ever prominent. I couldn’t fool myself. I’d never be able to be with another man again. I forced myself to hold back tears and reached back to untie my hair, preparing to take a bath in hopes that it would take my mind off of things.

I began to run the warm water as I reached for several candles, lighting them and placing them around the room, trying to forget the entire day altogether. As I waited for the tub to fill I grabbed my phone, opening Instagram for no other reason than to have something to do. Although Yunho and I broke up, I still followed their band account, as well as their individual accounts. Seonghwa, San, and Wooyoung were still my friends, after all. Yunho was the only exception. Both of us unfollowed each other early on just because it was too painful. I didn’t hold it against him and hoped he didn’t hold it against me either.

Regardless, my eyes found the most recent post on Sidekick Heart’s account. All four members were shirtless, their hair dripping wet with goofy smiles plastered on their faces. They were standing by a pool, the same one Yunho and I would often break into. I noticed Yunho first, how could I not? His smile wasn’t as wide as the other’s, his eyes a bit colder, but he looked happy all the same. He looked good. Really, really good. He was always fit while we were dating, but he gained more muscle since I last saw him and it didn’t go unnoticed by their fans, either. I clicked the comment section against my better judgement, knowing what I was going to see before I even did so.

“Yunho looks like a fucking goddd”

“So Yunho’s still single right??”

“Yunhooo hmu I beg you”

“Jesus Christ Yunho break me please”

A surge of jealousy rushed through me. I hated when girls said those things when we were together, but now that we were apart it made it even worse. I had no right to be jealous, and that was the worst part.

The water reached my leg that was resting on the side of the tub and I scrambled to turn off the faucet. Doing my best to push the images from my mind I placed my phone aside and stripped from my clothes, settling in the water. I sighed as some water fell out of the side of the tub. It wasn’t a terrible thing to happen, but it seemed to just be another thing to go wrong.

My eyes wandered back to my phone, Instagram still open and the picture I was looking at earlier still on display. He was so fucking hot and seeing that he was standing next to that pool—our pool—made my brain short circuit. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from taking me back to the last night we broke in, the way we teased each other and how it inevitably led to sex. It seemed I had no control over my body as my dominant hand slipped between my legs.

But as much as I wanted it to be, it wasn’t the same. My fingers weren’t as long or slender as his and just nothing about our touches were the same, but the image of him just made my hormones rage. Every ounce of me craved him.

My fingers swirled around my clit, a bundle of pleasure shooting through me at the action. I closed my eyes, letting my body take over and repeat the motions and much as I fought not to, my brain kept replaying scenes of two of us again, and again, and again.

“Such a good girl, aren’t you?” Yunho spoke as I sunk down on his dick, barely finding the energy to lift myself up again even though the noises he made were like shots of espresso.

“Aww, is my baby getting tired?” He cooed, jerking his hips into mine.

“It’s not fair!” I whined, “I’m not good at this and you know it.”

“But we wouldn’t be a good couple if we didn’t encourage each other to work hard, right? Up you go, flower.”

I whimpered and pouted, but still obeyed him. Taking pity on me, Yunho grabbed my waist and lifted me, relaxing his grip as I moved downward. I made a noise that wasn’t understood by Yunho, but it didn’t go unnoticed.

“What was that?”

“Please. More. I need you so bad.” I begged.

Yunho laughed, “I really do have you wrapped around my finger, don’t I?”

I nodded before remembering that he’d probably prefer a verbal answer, “Yes. I’m w-wrapped around your finger.”

He let out a noise of satisfaction before flipping us over into a position so that he would have full control. I grabbed the bedsheets roughly, so much in my own world that I didn’t hear Yunho’s words.

“What was that?” I let out with a series of mewls.

“You’ve got me wrapped around your finger, too, you know? I don’t go an hour without thinking about you anymore. I can’t even have a single conversation without bringing you up. Anytime someone says your name my heart beats out of my damn chest. You’re the only woman for me.”

My legs shook as my high approached, barely able to breathe at it’s intensity. It took me a minute before I could even remember where I was. As I came to my senses, I felt tears biting at my eyes and this time I didn’t bother to hold them back. I watched as they streamed down my face and joined the now-cold water surrounding me. I brought my hands up to cover my eyes, glad Tiff wasn’t home to hear my wailing. She’d been good about staying with me since the breakup, but tonight she just wasn’t here. The hole in my heart felt even deeper now. I wondered if he found someone, if he was happy now. Hell, maybe it was his ex. The thought tore my heart out and ripped it in two. I wanted to be happy for him if it was true, but I just couldn’t be. I was still too selfish. I still wanted him to love only me.

-

 New friends, new beginnings or whatever.

That’s apparently what I thought when I began attending more clubs at college after the breakup, meeting new people and eventually finding a really solid friend group. All who happened to really like punk-rock music.

“You should really go with us,” Shang directed his words at me, “There’s a new band popping up that’s playing this weekend. It’s three hours away but they have great music.” 

I sighed, not fully convinced although it did sound fun. The last concert I’d been to was one of Yunho’s and though I hadn’t even seen him in what felt like forever, I still couldn’t help myself from thinking of him anytime someone talked about concerts. Sensing my apprehension, the woman beside me spoke up.

“Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!” Tyra chanted in my ear, her black curls bouncing with her as she clapped her hands between the words. “Come on, it would be so much fun and you know it.”

I bit my lip, deep in thought. I knew I would have fun but I just didn’t know if that would outweigh the pain I would feel.

“What’s the band name?” I asked, looking at Shang.

“Honestly?” He scratched the back of his head, “I was a little drunk when I told one of my friends I’d be there so I don’t even remember what they’re called.”

“How do you know they have great music, then?” I laughed, Tyra agreeing with me, apparently not knowing who was playing when she agreed either.

“I mean, my brother listens to their music and he’s got good music taste so they’ve gotta be good.”

I closed my eyes as I felt an oncoming headache, knowing they wouldn’t accept no as an answer. “Fuck it.” I stated, “I’ll go.”

The two cheered, Shang promising that I’d enjoy myself. I doubted it, truthfully, but really it was decided that I’d go the moment the pair brought the idea up to me.

-

Our trio waded through the giant crowd as the doors opened to let us into the venue. It was big, one of the larger concerts I’ve been to. Whoever we were seeing was successful, for sure. The volume at which everyone was speaking was essentially a yell, so I had to do just that to get my messages through.

“I still can’t believe we have no fucking idea who’s playing!” I yelled at Shang.

He laughed, “I got seats towards the front row, though! I didn’t even have to pay for them!”

“That’s not gonna matter if we don’t know any of the lyrics, you dipshit!” Tyra barked.

“Okay okay I should’ve asked, I get that now.”

As we found our way towards the seats, there was a big projector with the words ‘Sidekick Heart’ displayed across it. My heart dropped and I suddenly felt it become hard to breathe.

“You got us tickets to a Sidekick Heart concert?” Tyra beamed, “I love their music and I’m practically in love with San! His vocals are insane! Holy shit, Shang!”

“Ohhhh yeah I remember now.” He chuckled.

I seemed to fade into the background as the two of them discussed their love for the band and the members. All I could think about was seeing Yunho again.

Would he see me? How would he react if he does?...Does he hate me?

I only came back to reality when the audience began to cheer and I saw all the members step onto stage. Seonghwa cradled his electric guitar, in one arm, waving at the audience with the other. Wooyoung plopped down behind the drum set, smiling at the audience while twirling a drumstick. With his bass guitar, San, ever the king of expressions, gave his best smoulder to the audience and it seemed like the audience collectively screamed over him. Then came Yunho out to center stage, his electric guitar in his hands and a smirk on his face as if he knew everyone in the damn building wanted to fuck him. And he’d be right. The spotlights on each of them made them look like actual gods. If I didn’t know them personally I would have thought they were.

Yunho leaned into the mic, his gruff voice taking me by surprise, “Hello everyone! Great to see you all! If you haven’t been to one of our concerts before this is how it’s gonna work: You’re gonna dance, we’re gonna sing, we’re all gonna have a fucking great time tonight!”

The crowd erupted as the first song began to play. It was one of their more popular songs and for good reason. All over it was a really well put together song and I couldn’t help as I began to mouth along to the words. Song after song played, some I knew some I didn’t, and the entire time I couldn’t look away from the man singing. He radiated confidence and looked relaxed as if he’d been performing for decades. I knew he wasn’t as cool as he seemed, I’d given him so many pep talks before performances I couldn’t count them, but as an outsider you’d never know.

I wonder who talked him up this time?

“Alright everyone. This is the last song of the night and-”

The audience booed, everyone upset at the night coming to a close.

Yunho laughed. The sound was rich and beautiful. He was truly enjoying himself. This is what he was meant to do, with or without me. I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry.

Yunho’s voice filled my ears. “I know, I know. I’d love to stay a bit longer, too. Here’s the thing though...” He paused and I opened my eyes only to see him looking back at me. His eyes automatically softened as they always did when he saw me, but as if he remembered how we ended his gaze hardened slightly, like he was trying to distance himself. It felt like we’d been looking at each other for hours before he opened his mouth to speak again, but I knew very well that my perception of time had been off for a while.

“Even if we only have this little time left, I’ve truly enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. The fact that it’s coming to an end soon is what makes it so special, I think.” Yunho broke eye contact with me, smiling slightly and glancing back out at the sea of people. “Seeing your smiling faces, your energetic cheers—all of it—is a reminder to me that we’re so lucky to be doing this as a job. Really...I love you all.”

The audience let out a chorus of ‘awws’ which was followed by several rather aggressive ‘I love you too’s.

The lead singer once more smiled, “Now, without further adieu, this is one of our newest songs and it’s called Brown Eyes, here it is.”

The music began to play, all instruments coming together to make a somber tune. Somehow they were always able to write music that perfectly encapsulated emotions or ideas. This one? Loss.

“Since you left you’re still so infused

In how I think and what I do

Can’t seem to get you to leave me alone

Your ghost stayed here and she watches my tears

That run down our picture frames”

Then he found me again in the crowd, no doubt able to see the tears staining my makeup, no doubt able to see how broken I was. And still, he sang.

“I’ve tried hard to fight it

Yet I keep givin’ in

There’s been no one but you

I’m trapped, confined

And your platinum smile still knocks me out

Every single time”

He kept eye contact with me, not once breaking his gaze. It was almost as if he wanted me to break first, as if he wanted me to look away before him. As if he was daring me to leave him again.

San stepped closer to his mic and took his eyes away from his bass guitar, Yunho’s voice being replaced by the purple-haired man. As his voice rang out I only could’ve hoped the next lyrics were about one of San ex’s, not me. Even if they weren’t, Yunho still looked at me.

“It’s not aimed at me 

Maybe it never was

But oh darling, you could’ve fooled me”

My eyes flickered down, unable to look at Yunho any longer. His gaze only broke my heart further and in turn I felt my eyes water. After a moment or two, I worked up the courage to look back at him. He was still looking at me like he never moved his eyes. I couldn’t seem to register the lyrics until Yunho began to sing again, his voice drawing me in as it always did.

“You've disappeared without a trace

Left an unsuspecting guise

Love, I need you to know

I’ve been losing far more than sleep

Over those deep chocolate eyes.”

As the song and the show ended and everyone in the crowd cheered, I felt a rush of emotions run through me. Thrilled that they’d become so successful, proud of them for putting on such an amazing show, and hurt because I could still see a sliver of sadness in Yunho’s eyes.

I hurt him.

Yunho then reluctantly said his goodbyes to the audience along with the rest of the members. His jaw tightened as he walked over to Wooyoung, whispering something in his ear before walking off stage. Feeling like I was set in a trance, I grabbed my Tyra’s arm and mumbled something about going to the bathroom before following him. I completely ignored her questions and concerns about where I was going, dead set on talking to him again even though I didn’t have a damn idea what I was going to say.

Somehow, through the giant maze of people, I was able to spot Yunho leaving through the backstage. Instinctively I ran towards him, still having no plan in mind. I only stopped when a purple-headed man appeared before me.

“Y/n!” He smiled, bringing me into a hug, “I missed you so much!” He pulled back from me, “We all did.”

Seonghwa and Wooyoung came from behind me, both wearing sad, kind smiles. They looked healthy and happy, which was all I could’ve asked for them.

“How’ve you been, girl?” Seonghwa cocked his head, genuinely curious.

I hesitated, not sure if I should tell them the truth. But at the end of the day, they were still my friends. “Not...great. If I’m being honest. I was kinda hoping I could talk to Yunho...if I could.”

They all shared a look I couldn’t understand.

Wooyoung spoke up, “We’re having a party at a friend’s house after this, you should come.”

I was surprised, still not fully understanding the situation.

San frowned, “I think it would be good for you two to talk. He didn’t tell us too much about what happened, but I’m sure you had a good reason. You were always so good to all of us.”

“I can text you the address if you’d like,” Wooyoung added, “You still have the same number?”

I nodded.

“Okay, good. We need to get back but we’ll see you there. Take care, okay?”

“I will. Thanks guys.”

San pulled me in for another hug, “Of course.”

They waved as we parted ways and for the first time that night, I felt hopeful. I spotted Shang and Tyra and ran up to them, no doubt a smile on my face as I asked, “Soo...you guys up for a party?”

-

I ditched my friends the moment we arrived, barely even sparing a word with Seonghwa, San, and Wooyoung once they nudged me in the direction of Yunho. I didn’t try to think too much about it, knowing I’d explain it all to them later.

He was standing in an empty bedroom, looking at the floor and sipping out of a red cup which likely contained liquor. When his eyes met mine a rush of memories flooded back to me. The first time we kissed, the first time he confessed he loved me, the first time he saw me cry.

The first time I broke his heart.

His eyes raised to mine, his face stoic, “Enjoy the show?”

My mouth opened and closed, not having any clue what to say to him, “Yunho I-”

“I know why you did it.” He said suddenly, “A week after you left me Lucy showed up to one of our shows and tried to convince me it was all a coincidence. Said that I could finally be with her. When I didn’t buy it she finally gave in and told me she convinced you we were better apart. So naturally I called the cops and they arrested her for breaking the restraining order, thank god.” He shook his head, looking disgusted, “You know I never wanted us to be apart. My question to you,” he took a step further towards me, “is why did you do it? Why did you end us?”

When I couldn’t seem to respond he talked once more, “You could’ve told me what she was trying to do. We could’ve worked it out together.” He looked more disappointed and heartbroken rather than angry.

He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve any of this.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Yunho.” I bit my tongue as I fought back tears, “I’m not asking for you to forgive me. I-I’m just-” I sobbed, “Lucy told me she would kill you if I kept dating you.”

Yunho’s mouth shut and eyes widened, clearly missing that bit of information. I took it as my cue to continue “I don’t know why she did it, but it’s probably because we were happy.”

More tears fell down my face and it became harder for me to talk, but I owed him the truth. I had to tell him the truth. I looked up at him but because of my tears my vision was blurred. Yunho’s hands were tightening into fists as he looked away from me.

“I couldn’t tell you because I had to protect you so I had to make you hate me and I’m just so sorry.” I fell to the ground, my body feeling as heavy as my heart.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I brought my eyes to meet his own, “I’m sorry.” A tear streamed down his cheek, heavy remorse in his eyes, “God she’s fucking awful.”

A laugh got caught in my throat, “Yeah she is.”

He set his cup down somewhere along the way a his hands cupped my face, finally whispering the words I’d only heard in dreams, “I still love you so fucking much. I never stopped loving you. I never even tried to stop because I know I couldn’t.”

I jumped into his arms and kissed him hard, unintentionally knocking him to the floor. He met my lips with just as much fire, groaning when I unconsciously bucked my hips into his, all my sexual frustration still pent up.

“I missed you so fucking much.” Yunho growled, obviously feeling needy too but deciding against it as he wrapped his arms around my waist, speaking in between kisses, “I missed your cute laugh. I missed your lips. I missed your fucking awful jokes. I missed the way you’d look at me whenever you told me you loved me. I missed your gorgeous body and your smile. I missed your moans and the way you arched your back when we’d have sex. I missed how alive you made me feel.” He pulled back to look at me, “My life had no purpose without you.”

I took a breath, tears once more falling, “Mine didn’t either.” It wasn’t anything profound or emotional, but it was the truth. It didn’t.

Gently picking me up, he placed me on the bed. His eyes were raw, as emotional as they could ever be. Taking my hands in his, he looked at me as if I would disappear at any minute.

“Stay with me. Come with us on the rest of the tour. If you can’t take a vacation we’ll hire you as an assistant. If you can’t do that we’ll make some other kind of accommodation. Just stay, please. Please be mine again.”

I looked at the man in front of me. The tough-looking, six-foot tall, tattooed, strong man that could probably scare the shit out of anyone. Yet here he was, bearing his heart to me and being as vulnerable as a person could be.

I smiled, feeling my heart swell. “I’ve only ever been yours.”

-

The morning was bright, lighting directly hitting my eyes. I cursed myself for not closing the blinds the night before and blinked off my sleep when I heard a familiar pleasant sound.

Jumping down from the bed I put on the new fluffy bathrobe my lover bought me. I followed Yunho’s voice out to my porch, realizing I was listening to a new song of his. The man was strumming a guitar, a beautiful melody falling from his lips. When he noticed me, he smiled and continued to sing.

“I’m in a vivid yellow mood

You’re my muse, my home and room

And now that I have you again

What could I ever fear?

Oh do me a favor, dear

And inscribe your name on my sleeve

Let me keep it there forever

Because you’re better than any daydream.”

[deathbounded]

How the FUCK did I not realise you were vargorsol’s alt HFJSKKFNSNFND,,, call me a Margulis kinnie ig bc damn am I fucking blind

Due to some Personal History™️ I have with a very similar concept from an ANCIENT scrapped fic, I am kinda obsessed with Raisal’s whole Deal of. Yknow. Very Specific Parental Baggage©️. Ballas doing the old “bippity bild I am going to abandon my biological child”. The ✨Trauma✨. You know how it is

In other words want to learn more about her >:((( give us the lore. go ABSOLUTELY nuts if you feel like it I will be patiently waiting!! oc infodumps my beloved <3 (speaking of which i will get round to talking abt my little guys in response to that one ask u sent… some day… maybe……)

hehe this ask made me so happy when i saw it, thank you for asking about raisal! i appreciate it a lot C: 💜 (if you also have ballas/margulis child, they should meet up and unionize against ballas to pay for their therapy or something idk)

there she is!

anyways. raisal lore dump incoming.

[cw: implied child neglect and emotional abuse]

raisal was unplanned and lived primarily with margulis given a) the vague covertness of margulis and ballas's relationship and b) ballas's general disinterest in children (he was mostly just awkward around her and somewhat (very) blatantly jealous over the attention she got from margulis).

when the zariman children were recovered and margulis's attention diverts nearly wholly to them, raisal wasn't unused to being left on her own: margulis had always been busy with her archimedian duties and ballas is generally literal and emotional unavailable, so she spent a good amount of time on her own or with adults who don't care as much about her emotional. but raisal wasn't able to process well why margulis was spending so much more time at work especially with other children!! who she calls her children too!! "but i’m her only child!! >:OOO" and became resentful of the tenno for "stealing" margulis's attention away from her.

...in her defense she was like 6; she's doing her best.

rather than bringing this up - cause, y’know, orokin are culturally emotionally repressed - she thinks “the only way to spend time with my mother is if i play into the things she cares about” and never brings anything up, so margulis didn't really know about this issue (but if she did she’d totally 100% do something to address it).

enjoy the one scrap of raisal writing i have atm <;:)

when margulis is executed for trying to protect the tenno, it just cements this resentment (raisal knows that margulis doesn’t blame the tenno for it; she wouldn’t want her to either. yet she does, and she feels guilt for it), and she’s very, very repressed about it.

rather than abandoning her after margulis's execution, ballas takes raisal in out of a "this is the last piece of margulis i have i have to make sure Nothing Bad Happens To It" mindset (raisal looks very similar to margulis). which uh. doesn’t lead to a great parenting style; he's both overprotective and emotionally distant, which is a rough time for anyone, especially a child! basically any time he realizes he *gasp* cares for his literal child, he slams the breaks and immediately backpedals.

he also weaponizes raisal's resentment towards the tenno and her attachment to margulis in order to manipulate her into cooperating with his revenge plans, part of it involving contributing to her isolation from others (i say contributes because the stigma of having a parent executed by the jade light and your guardian being an executor makes most people wary to interact with you in the first place), so she's pretty dependent on ballas. plus, since he's one of the executors, so she never even considers running away.

ballas pushes her to become an archimedean, partially to have an insider on the archimedeans and partially so he can influence what gets designed. she later gets the "honor" of having access to continuity - which she drags her feet over as long as she can. so I guess she is blueish?? (i am not a fan of this and neither is she) she does not have a long are Because I Said So. realistically? something along the lines of "i look like margulis who the tenno are attached to, therefore maintaining the resemblance as much as possible will be of great...diplomatic advantage." i also headcanon that once a yuvan is chosen they then modify them to resemble their old body (when it was younger ofc) as much or as little as they want. which is my explanation as to why she still retails her resemblance to margulis.

i'm...not actually sure what raisal's research focus would be, but i do know she has expertise in transference research, infestation, and sentients. she has a pressure to excel at anything she picks up though, largely from orokin societal pressure.

her timeline during the old war is pretty much one big shrug aside from this, but at some point raisal researches into hybridizing sentient and infestation technologies (among other things), and starts prototyping a vessel capable for withstanding long-term deep void exposures (with the vague intention of craft a vessel capable of enduring a trip to a far-away system, not necessarily tau).

when the collapse hits, ballas takes her to this spacecraft and locks her in it in the void (it has a reliquary drive; he fucked with it & the ship's cephalon's precepts so the ship is virtually immobile) and from there she's kept on an information diet by ballas - basically she has no idea what's going on in the origin system other than what he tells her (unreliable source time, baby!).

she always had some amount of doubt regarding ballas's actions, doubts that were drawn into stark relief when he brainwashed natah which developed into feeling a need to do reparations for them. during her time trapped in the void she starts researching a transference bolt modification that could restore some semblance of sentience to a warframe. she's never able to quite verify its success though, given her limited resource access.

following this point, i have two main timelines for her:

one where she takes the lotus's place as guide/leader to the tenno, post apostasy prologue (the margulis constant)

in the other, she crosses over into the canon timeline after shit goes sideways in her own (the fold invariant) fun fact: when i was explaining a certain aspect of it to my friend, it made them remark “this fandom seems ridiculously mean to its characters” which. yeah.

there's also a secret third timeline where ballas's an actually good parent a la tiny-chubby-bird's fic but uh. tbh i haven't though about this much. maybe i should.

her attitude towards the tenno throughout all timelines goes from a wary, holding them at arm's length one to an *exasperated sigh in older sibling* one. they also keep giving her harrow chassis blueprints. why do you keep giving me these please i can't make any research progress if you keep only giving me harrow chassis blueprints.

anyways that's the gist of the raisal lore atm. there's definitely a lot that needs to be fleshed out more, especially timeline/old war era wise, but yeah!! feel free to ask any questions!! :D also here is her playlist if feel so inclined to peruse.

name trivia: "raisal" is from the yiddish name raisel, which is in turn derived from the yiddish word for rose! this was to parallel margulis being from a jewish word for "pearl." i wanted a name with flower meaning in reference to the lotus. i don't know where ballas's name is from, the closest i ever got was an austronesian word for "revenge" which. hm!

[saturnsummer]

helpless.

han joon hwi does all he can to save kang sol a. kang sol a, for the first time, realises she’s not alone.

ao3 link

notes: this has been manifesting in me ever since i saw the scene of sol a fainting. i’m sorry it’s so long, but i hope the law school fans like it! it’s my first time, but i’m open to request and improvements. do share with your fellow solhwi fans if you like it! any grammar mistakes and all will be taken fully responsible by me.

edit: this is written by @inactiverat , which is MY secondary account. i did not copy this from someone else. both accounts belong to ME. i am republishing this on my primary blog to better manage.

words: 4130 words.

it’s been a terrible day for sol.

forget about a terrible day, it has been a week of horror.

she can’t remember the last time she laid her head on the pillow of her clean sheets and mattress. with her semester test coming on friday, she has spent the entire weekend cramming for her test. she has opted to sleep at her desk for no more than 10 minutes at a time. her eyes sting from the roll-on muscle relief ointment that she rolls on every few hours under her eyes. her head pounds and the only things she has eaten are ramyeon and black coffee. (no sugar, extra shots.)

sol sighs as she fixes another highlighter in her top bun. she’s been staring at the same question for hours. she looks over her desk, hoping to find peace by seeing a sleeping sol b, but only remembers that she went home. her tiger mom’s orders, since “she shouldn’t study with her roommate, who is at the bottom of the cohort.”

sol visibly frowned as she thought of that sentence. she doesn't need to be reminded every minute and second of her life that she’s the worst. that whenever she fails a test, the smarty pants are cheering due to the bell curve. that she barely scrapes through every class. that she blubbers and mutters answers like an idiot in every lecture.

that’s why she works so hard. to show that she doesn't need money or connections to succeed in this school. that a single parented girl, making enough to get by, holding a part time job can be like the rest. for her mom, she tolerated years of violent abuse, yet still being so strong for her children. for dan, who she so desperately misses and wants to find, even though she knows dan may never want to see her. for byeol, the reason why she decided to study law; the only human she loves in this lawless world.

sol knows she’s pushing herself too hard. yeseul made an effort to remind her to sleep via text. bokgi teased her once during a study group after mentioning she looks like a disheveled panda. even professor kim pulled her out of lecture to give her a talk to remind her to eat.

but joon hwi hasn't.

she internally scoffs. she doesn’t expect him to. (what does a second round judicial exam passer want to know about the worst student?) and maybe, she doesn't want him to. she wants to show him she can do it on her own. she can’t count the number of times he helped her with her grades and cases. studying alone without help was the smallest thing she can do to show him her independence.

thus, she found every moment to stay away. well, from him, in particular. she only came to lectures on time, sat at the back (as opposed to next to him) and left immediately. she returns to her dorm to study (ditching study groups with him in it) and only leaves in the odd hours to get drinks and food when she’s absolutely starving. she hears the buzzes and rings from yeseul and joonhwi, but only smiles when they ask about her inactivity. (“it was dead. i must have forgotten to charge it again.”)

she sighs in frustration and stands from her chair, grabbing her phone and keys out to the pantry area. she needed more caffeine, if she was going to survive this night.

what she doesn't expect to see, is han joon hwi, devouring his late night snack of ramyeon at the table. the shuffling of her furry slippers raises his head from his precious bowl.

“you’re still up?” he asks.

it’s too late to turn around and pretend she didn’t see him. so instead, sol just nods silently as opposed to her defensive remarks. joon hwi stops slurping his noodles and sets the bowl aside. preparing to walk to the staircase, his next question freezes sol in her steps.

“why have you been avoiding me?”

his voice is gentle and nowhere near angry. but concerned and fearful, as if he’s done something wrong to upset her. for a moment, sol feels like she’s in her first lecture with professor yang and is left speechless. (only now, there is no where to hide.)

joon hwi wasn’t blind to her actions. he noticed her absence when she didn’t sit next to him in lectures. he noticed that whenever he was there for a study group session, she wouldn’t; but when he would ask the others, they would say she was there for the ones he wasn’t. joon hwi was certain that sol was avoiding him.

and he couldn’t understand why.

until now.

joon hwi’s eyes examine the young woman in front of him. he’s certain that a middle school student could figure this out; kang sol a is overworked. her dark eye circles are prominent, puffy and her bloodshot eyes do nothing but intensify her lack of sleep. he noticed just how pale her lips look, as he walks over to her. how has she gotten skinnier too?

joon hwi’s certain that she’s avoiding him not because of something he said that annoyed her. but because he knows that she doesn’t want him to see her in this state. his eyes soften and heart aches from the amount of effort she's putting in to her tests.

for sol, he knows how much the tests meant. it was like her entire life depended on it. that’s why he always wanted to help her. he didn’t want to see such a talented person fall behind. she has already proven herself worthy with all the cases she has participated in. but joon hwi knows that no matter how many times yeseul or bokgi or him say how smart and talented and how she’s doing great, she will never be satisfied in this cold, competitive prestigious school. she will always think she’s the worst and has no potential.

“sol.” his voice firm and serious. sol swears she felt a chill run down. she mentally braces herself for this conversation that she has tried all means to avoid. only one person dares address her as just ‘sol’.

“when did you last sleep? or eat proper food?” his eyes are serious, yet soft and glassy. his voice is gentle and soothing. she closes her eyes and lets out a silent sigh. she is nowhere the mock court, yet she feels like she has taken the witness stand and the oath. lying is perjury, she hears herself say.

“i’m doing fine. i just need to do well on this test.” she lies through her teeth. well, it’s a half true and a half lie. it’s just up to him to pick out which is the lie and truth. joon hwi isn’t an idiot, and can read her emotions with just a single look. it’s an utter lie.

“i’m getting coffee.” she mutters to herself. it was the whole reason she came out, anyways. her sleeve is caught by him but she yanks it away forcefully. she doesn’t even know why she’s being so harsh and angry to him. all he’s done is just ask how she’s doing.

“you need sleep. not caffeine.” he spins her around by her shoulders, his eyes serious and almost frustrated. she fails to meet his eyes, afraid of falling apart before him.

“joon, just let me be.” she says harshly and pushes his hands off before running to get that extra potent coffee. it was the first time she has ever called him that, and it falls out just as naturally as the word ‘sol’ does out of his. sol doesn’t notice how wet her eyes are until she’s downstairs, grabbing cans of coffee from the vending machine. (pathetic, she thinks, getting teary because of lying to her best friend.)

joon hwi doesn't follow. and sol isn't one bit affected.

not. at. all.

-----

the next time sol sees joon hwi is in the morning. he’s carrying his books and has his backpack slung over his shoulder, leaning against the wall. sol braces herself. she knows joon hwi to be protective and caring. but for him to be waiting at the entrance of their dorm was downright surprising.

sol’s not doing any better. when the caffeine and sugar stopped her from staying late, she resorted to stabbing her hand to keep herself awake. when her hand got too red and bloody, she switched to another spot on her arm. underneath her hoodie is her arm with dried blood and bruises all over. she’s surprised she hasn’t had blood poisoning yet.

sol flashes the most natural smile she can on her face, pretending as if her argument with him did not happen a few hours ago. her head was numb, but hanging on with the ointment she applied at her temples. she needed to act okay. just so he would stop worrying and leave her alone.

“sol.” joon hwi’s voice calls, going forward and grabbing her arm to support her. sol is about to create a joke, laugh it off and pretend everything is okay, hopefully convincing him she’s doing better (even if she’s far from it.). but what she doesn’t anticipate is his hand accidentally squeezing the sore wound of hers,

she hisses as his fingers dig into her wound and he immediately lets go. joon hwi’s eyes well in concern, not knowing what he’s done that caused her so much pain. sol’s eyes meet his, uncertain and afraid, as if a secret has been exposed. she pulls her sleeve down and is almost regretting that when joon hwi gently lifts her arm and lifts her sleeve up slightly to expose her arm and hand.

joon hwi takes her good hand in his and drags her to an empty staircase not far from where they were. joon hwi notes the dried blood on her hand and gives a disapproving sigh. just what was she doing to herself? she draws her hand back and pulls her sleeve down, hiding it away.

“sol, you need to take care of yourself.”

“joon, i’m doing okay, i promise. it’s not a big deal.” her voice upbeat and slightly more energetic. joon hwi is about to call her out from lying, but she flashes a smile. “come on, how can an exam defeat me?”

“i’m going to be late.” she says and runs ahead of him, joining yeseul and yebeom in front. sol feels a gnawing guilt in her heart for lying, but she momentarily forgets about it as yebeom sweeps them into a conversation.

i’m sorry, joon. i really am. but i’m not going to burden you any further.

joon hwi is left, helpless and broken, watching the back of the woman he loves stray further.

-----

it isn’t a secret that joon hwi and sol a are good friends. everyone on campus is always shocked. joon hwi, the school’s top student. sol a, the school’s worst student. everyone would have expected sol b when they heard ‘kang sol’. after all, it made sense, didn’t it? the two best students in school.

but what would be even more shocking is that han joon hwi, second round judicial exam passer, is deep in love with kang sol, the klutz with the top bun.

joon hwi couldn’t deny the joy he felt whenever sol was around. it started with study group and tutoring and messages about school. then it became lunches every moment they could. now, he couldn’t go a day without seeing her, hearing her voice or even a simple text. he can’t remember the moment he started falling for the clumsy woman, but when he realised it, he knew it was too late. he was in, deep.

and that's why he can’t bear to see her suffer. that’s why he spends late nights studying with her even though he doesn't need to. that’s why he insist walking her home, even though he installed the camera. (“i miss byeol! that smart cookie...” would always be his excuse.) that’s why he calls her ‘sol’, and he lets her call him ‘joon’, even though no one calls him that anymore.

sol locks herself in her room and buries herself under multiple books after her lectures. sol admits it, she’s tired. she can barely keep herself together and her body is so weak she doesn’t know how she managed to survive the week with less than two hours of sleep combined per day. she can’t remember the last nap she had that lasted more than half an hour.

the guilt from lying is eating her inside. when she closes her eyes, she can only see how hurt joon hwi’s face looks when he saw her arm. taking a shaky breath in, she doesn’t notice the tear running down her cheek. what was she even crying about? lying? hurting her best friend? fatigue? she slams her head against her books, shaking her thoughts out. it’s already 3am, and she doesn’t have much time left.

“kang sol a, you need to do this exam, you hear me? if you want to pass out, do it later on in the afternoon! you have 9 hours till the test.” she scolds herself out loud. stabbing her arm once again, she jerks herself awake and writes her notes over and over. just 9 more hours.

later on in the day, sol finds herself seated next to joon hwi. but she doesn’t notice him. her eyes are too out of focus to concentrate on anything but the paper and pen she holds. when the teaching assistant makes an announcement to start, she races against time and scribbles furiously. her head throbs, but she clings on to her last ounce of sanity keeping herself awake.

-----

she’s worse. joon hwi thinks. much, much worse. her skin is paler than normal and her eyes are fluttery. with her sleeve pulled up slightly, he notices the wound on her hand more bloody than it was. he visibly winces. but it’s nothing to the hurt in his heart. he knows that he should be busy scribbling, but his eyes are slightly glassy and all he can think of is her bloody hand.

all he wants to do is to drag her away. to take her far from this school. he wants to hold her small body in his arms and cradle her as he tends to her wounds. he wants to tuck her into a soft bed and stroke her brown hair. he wants to tell her how he feels, how she’s perfect, smart and beautiful in his eyes. how sol has already had his validation, and no matter how many kang sols there are, he will only have one in his heart.

as the clock leaves a minute or so to the end, sol struggles to keep her head from falling. she just needs to finish the last sentence. her eyes are blurred and her head has never felt more tight and woozy. her ramyeon from 4am is threatening to make an appearance.

“sol, you’re bleeding.” she hears an familiar echoed voice say next to her. instinctively, she brings a hand up to her nose, and wipes it, revealing the bright red blood. she can’t care for her jacket sleeve and carelessly wipes even though her arm aches. just a bit more, she tells herself.

the voices around her blur as she feels hands on her shoulder stopping her. she pushes them off weakly as she finishes the last word on her paper. she lets out a breath of relief and pushes her paper away from her. she’s finally done. she can finally breathe and have that nap. someone calls her name, but she’s too tired to respond.

then her eyes rolls back and she crashes into oblivion.

joon hwi manages to catch her head before it hits the table as she slumps sideways. he scribbles his name on his paper before chucking his paper and hers towards the teaching assistant. yeseul passes a tissue over to joon hwi and shakes her, eyes getting teary. he gently blots her nose, soaking up the blood. the other students leave unbothered, with only their study group crowding around them.

the next hour is a mad rush in joon hwi’s head. they are frantic for an ambulance, but joon hwi just cradles her body in his arms and runs outside. “it’s faster to run.” he says before taking off. she’s light, way too light for her frame, even with the layered coats that she’s wearing. when he reaches the hospital, she’s laid on a stretcher and sent for checks while the nurses ask him to wait for short while outside.

and for the third time, he stands outside, clutching to a bloody tissue, helpless.

-----

joon hwi wants to beat himself over and over. he should have been more forceful with her. heck, he should have done more than just watch silently. he should have sent packed lunches, compiled his notes, offered to stay up with her. even after when he knows how much sol is suffering, he only stood by.

his eyes are teary when he is allowed to see her. she looks so small under those white sheets. the doctor mentions that they had to take her hoodie off to patch her wounds and insert her IV drip. “dehydrated on caffeine, lack of nutrients and fatigue.” the doctor tells him. he only nods as the doctor leaves him.

his group chat is pinging with endless messages and he takes a moment to update them. he sends a quick text that he’ll let them know when she’s awake. his hand brushes the stray hairs out of her eyes and as best as he can, arranges her bangs the way she likes. his touch is as light as a butterfly as he lets his fingers brush pass her bandages.

with the curtain closed around him, joon hwi lets himself crumble silently, as tears run down his face, hands gripping sol’s stained hoodie sleeve. he wishes he could do something then just watch sol lie on the bed. he knows she is okay, but knowing that he could have prevented this worse case scenario from happening makes him upset. he gives himself a few minutes to compose himself before taking his own hoodie and layering it on her.

and for hours, joon hwi sits by her bed in his own thoughts, once again helpless.

-----

when she wakes up, her head pounds worse than the time she got the worse hangover in school. her eyes flutter, drawing the attention of joon hwi. her mind is cloudy as she starts registering the antiseptic smell and bright lights. her eyes come into focus as she turns over to find a pair of warm brown eyes looking at her.

“joon hwi...?” she says with barely any energy.

“you’re awake.” joon hwi lets himself sigh in relief knowing that she’s awake. it’s already 6pm. the others should be on their way over soon. he sends a quick “she’s awake” to the chat and shuts his phone.

“i... finished my exam right?” the words come tumbling out of sol’s mouth.

“that’s all you are thinking of now?” the anger in joon hwi’s voice catches her by surprise. she lowers her hand and avoids his eyes. she’s really done it, then. she’s really pissed him off.

“aren’t you one bit concerned about your health? you could have literally died being so overworked.” his eyes are glassy. realising that he’s frightening her, he lets a sigh out. joon hwi helps her sit up and props a pillow for her. her fingers fiddle with the thin blanket of the bed. there’s no point being strong in front of him now, after all this.

“you know how much every test means to me.” she mutters in a voice so soft, it’s unlike her to be so...small. joon hwi knows under that strong woman with a fiery passion for justice, there’s a vulnerable little girl, insecure and uncertain. but this was the first time, he realised, that she’s opening up herself.

“i’m so tired, joon. i’m so tired of running this stupid rat race that i’ll never win. i’m so sick of putting everything into my grades and not receiving anything back.” her voice so small, staring at the bandages on her hand. was the pain worth it? she’s not sure now.

joon hwi doesn’t say anything back. how could he? this man was born for this system, to bring law back to the country. he can’t compare to her, who spends countless nights studying, while taking care of her family. all he can do is sit by her bed and provide comfort.

“my head hurts. my body aches all over. yet, i can’t seem to do well in my exams. tell me, joon. just how long must i suffer?” his heart is pierced with every word she says. she’s so broken. joon hwi then notices the small pearls of tears dripping down her face.

his hand reaches out and his thumb rubs away her tears on her cheeks. he doesn’t know what prompted this, but sol doesn’t swat his hand away. she lets him as her hand wipes her remaining tears away.

“i’m here now. you can rely on me.” he says softly to her. suddenly, he takes her small hand in his and squeezes it in comfort. sol’s slightly taken aback, but she doesn’t know why she feels fuzzy inside. she feels warm and for the first time, she feels her burden lifted. with much courage, she gives a small smile.

“noona!” they hear a familiar panicked voice ring and they instinctively draw away from each other. if joon hwi’s face is slightly red, sol doesn't notice. sol is swept away into arguing with bokgi with her health and a teary eyed yeseul. even jiho and sol b came, but stood by silently. (jiho notices joon hwi’s flushed cheeks and his too-bright smile that he finally realises is meant for kang sol a. he makes a mental note about it.)

joon hwi leans back as he watches yeseul and bokgi fuss with sol’s health. he suppresses a smile as he looks at sol’s light laugh, knowing how her burdens are slowly fading and lifted. that he’s finally managed to reach out for his soulmate as she sinks further. it was going to be a journey, but joon hwi will drag her, his sol, out from her darkness every time.

i’m going to be there, no matter what, kang sol. you will not fight alone. i will stay with you, even when you think you don’t deserve it. it doesn't matter if you feel the same towards me or not. if i can see you smile and laugh, it’s enough for me. your happiness is all that matters.

because kang sol, i just love you so damm much.

-----

sol doesn’t notice the switch in her jacket. when she leaves about an hour later with her friends to eat jjajangmyeon (extra pickles, she orders.), she assumes the jacket she has by her bed is hers. she doesn't notice the sandalwood and jasmine smell, as opposed to her pine scented fabrics. when joon hwi teases her and she argues back in annoyance, she’s carefree and light.

when joon hwi smiles at her with his sweet smile, she can’t help but think she’s so lucky that she has him, of all people, by her side. her heart skips a beat, and she’s certain that she feels more than friends towards him. that all this time, she has finally fallen for the cheeky and charming joon hwi behind his intellect.

she smiles back, teeth bared and eyes crinkled as they walk back.

after all, who is to stand against her now, when she has him by her side?

joon hwi, thank you for finding me no matter how much i try to hide away. thank you for believing in me when everyone didn’t. i know you like someone else, and it’s okay. because whoever that is will be so damm lucky to have you. to see you smile your charming smile is enough to put me at ease.

because han joon hwi, i admit, i have fallen for you. i’m in love with you.

-----

bonus:

“noona, they like each other, don’t they?” bokgi watches as sol a barks at joon hwi. joon hwi only runs ahead and buries his hands in his hoodie pockets while letting out light laughs and continues teasing.

“oh, they are so whipped for each other.” yeseul triumphantly says as she walks with the rest behind the not-so-obvious lovebirds.

well, this would be an interesting relationship to see unfold.

[belorage]

I was tagged by @florbelles and @adelaidedrubman to expose my kids for their enneagrams! Thank you, babes! Rest assured, they absolutely hate it here. 🤍

Tagging: @cameronburke @heroofpenamstan @blissfulalchemist @ravenschampion @jackiesarch @aceghosts @johnnycranes @strafethesesinners @indorilnerevarine @shallow-gravy @bluemojave and anyone else who would like to play!

NIKOLAOS DIAMANTIS // type three: the performer

Threes know how to get things done quickly, efficiently and with the most chance for success. They know how to sell themselves, and basically anything else too. They have an amazing eye for what other people want and then turn into the person that can give them exactly that. Behind their glittering appearance, however, Threes are goaded by a relentless driver that is never satisfied with their achievements, always demanding more. Other people get the sense that not everything can be as glamorous as Threes present it, which makes them appear superficial, hollow, and inauthentic.

During childhood, Threes have picked up the message that their value depended on whether they met the expectations of others. Love could only be earned with doing things that met those standards, so Threes have tried to become the perfect prototype of the golden child. In order to function on that level, they had to put their emotions to the side. Having your own identity and definition of what was necessary to earn love was not okay anymore. So they learned to always try to be the best, and if they couldn’t get there, they learned that pretending they were could get them just as far.

That’s why the main struggle of Type Threes is honesty and authenticity. They have spent so much of their life being who other people needed them to be that they don’t even know who they are when nobody is looking.

WESLEY BROOKS // type four: the individualist

Fours have a wonderful eye for the beautiful, the intricate, the special. They care about meaning and depth and don’t stay on the surface. This also allows them to embrace and sit with the darker sides of life without the need to sugarcoat it. Fours are comfortable with feelings that other people experience as threatening. Yet in their search for authenticity and the right expression of their many emotions, Fours can also forget that there are other people with feelings and needs too – they can be quite self-absorbed. Additionally, their love for the extraordinary can quite easily tip over into becoming eccentric, their emotion-based identity can turn into emotional volatility.

What is common for Fours is that somewhere in their childhood the message got reinforced in them that there was something off about them. The undertone was “No one understands why you think and feel the way you do, and no one ever will.“ What this creates is the Fours life-long search for what it is they are supposedly missing that would make them like everyone else. They spend a lot of time exploring their inner world in search of this. It also makes them secretly hope for someone to come along, who knows how they feel, who “gets them“, to show them the way towards who they truly are.

RAFAEL ESTRADA // type two: the helper

It’s not hard for Twos to be popular with many people, because they make them feel cared for and accepted. What most people don’t know is that the Twos in their lives are often giving much more than they should while pretending to be a-ok. Twos take pride in being there for others, but they have a hard time acknowledging that someone needs to be there for them, too.

As children, Twos pick up the message that expressing their needs isn’t okay. So they try getting their needs met by asking for them indirectly – through the things they do for others. They are often very eager to help their parents and willing to take on extra projects at school. With their highly sensitive social antennas they tend to have many friends, but they tend to give up their own wants and desires to please those they want to be close to.

The helpful and friendly nature of Twos can become suddenly aggressive and demanding when they become too worn out by being there for everyone else all the time. In these moments, the hidden pride of Twos and how special they are in the lives of others appears, and they can turn to open or subtle means of manipulation to get what they want.

LEON VALERO // type six: the loyalist

Sixes are very capable and competent. They put a lot of work into honing their skills. They work hard and take their time doing things the right way. Despite their worries about potential disasters, they are actually very courageous and competent when in a crisis. On the flipside, Sixes initially find it hard to trust people and can’t get out of their head, thinking about what could go wrong at any second.

Sixes pick up the message in their childhood that the world is dangerous and that they can’t trust their authority figures to create safety for them. So they become attuned to small cues for anything that might be threatening, and they protect themselves by trying to predict every threat and danger possible. Throughout their lives, they keep looking for authority figures who can provide them with the security they never felt growing up, while at the same time staying in an ambivalent relationship to that authority because of their abused trust.

The message Type Sixes are invited to reclaim is that whatever happens, they already have the resources to weather whatever life throws at them. This shows whenever there is an actual crisis – where Sixes are ready, competent and brave, not because they worried so much, but in spite of it.

[yandere-daydreams]

Title: Pendent.

Written for a very lovely, very patient anonymous commissioner.

Pairing: Yandere!Bokuto/Reader (Haikyuu!!).

Word Count: 2.0k.

TW: F. Reader, Toxic Relationships, Co-Dependency, Mention of Injury, Threats of Violence, Victim-Blaming.

[Part Two]

You were better, when you were on your own.

It might’ve been because you were so used to being alone. You’d never been one for social circles, the idea of spending time with people you barely liked for any longer than you deemed acceptable, and with how often your parents moved, how many schools you’d been through, your relationships were bound to be short-lived, if they ever formed at all. You didn’t hate it. You should’ve, you had every reason to, but you didn’t. You were good with impermanence, superficial flare that would never have time to die out. You were good with what you were used to. You were better, when you got to work within the barriers you’d already grown fond of.

That might’ve been why Bokuto felt like such a dead weight. You’d had boyfriends before, both short-term flings and partners persistent enough to try to make it long-distance, but you couldn’t say any of them had care quite as strongly as Bokuto had, none of them had taken as much effort to keep happy as Bokuto had. He didn’t just want your affection. He needed your time, too, your loyalty, your attention, all the things you weren’t sure you wanted to give him, just yet. If you’d been a better person, you might’ve tried to give him what he wanted, attempted to think of him as a companion rather than an unending list of repetitive tasks, but you weren’t. You didn’t want to be. You just didn’t work well with Bokuto. That was the problem, really – the two of you just did belong together.

Well, that and he was fucking crazy, obviously, but you were beginning to think you might’ve been the only one who noticed.

Konoha certainly didn’t, at least. If he had, he wouldn’t be so aggressive, his arms crossed as he kept you trapped in an isolated corner of the courtyard, the school day over and most students long-since gone. He was standing too close, his chest nearly touching yours, but the rest of the team wasn’t any better, mingling around you in a loose half-circle. They didn’t want to be as straight-forward as Konoha, clearly. They didn’t want to live with the guilt. When they walked away from this, and they would walk away from this, they wanted to be able to minimize their role, mark it down as an act of necessity. They didn’t want to have to remember you, and you could only hope they wouldn’t give you a reason to remember them.

But, if this was going to be anything like the first time they confronted you, you doubted you’d get that lucky.

In his defense, Konoha was blunt. If he planned on wasting your time, he didn’t seem to want to waste any more of it than he absolutely had to. “We had a deal.”

It was your turn to cross your arms, now, to scowl. You weren’t as imposing as they were, not on your own, but you’d like to think you could’ve stood your ground. “It wasn’t a deal,” You started, slowly, keeping your tone calm. This wouldn’t be any easier if they thought you were as irrational as their captain. “You asked me for a something, and I gave it to you. I did you a favor. I don’t owe you anything, and I certainly don’t have to stand around being yelled at by the person I tried to help.”

Konoha opened his mouth again, his eyes already narrowed and his lips pulled into a sharp scowl, but another boy stepped forward before he could get anything out, his expression slightly more passive, albeit still concerned. It wasn’t an improvement. If anything, the genuine worry written across his face only made him easier to villainize. He was worried about Bokuto, not you. This was about Bokuto. Your feelings hardly warranted a passing thought.

“What Akinori’s trying to say,” Komi started, his name resurfacing from the dozens of hours you’d spent watching their drills, attending their practice matches, melting into Bokuto’s side after he guilted you into eating lunch with his team, rather than the other girls you were still trying to impress. If you’d been any more emotional, you could’ve hated him for it, loathed him by association. It was almost a shame that you weren’t. “Is that we just think you were a little hasty. I mean, I know we put you up to it, but…” He trailed off, purposefully, clearly hoping you’d be nice enough to cut him off. Again, it was a shame that you weren’t, and Komi went on with a sigh. “We just think the two of you made a good pair. There’s no reason to go and ruin that just because he found out.”

Your head felt fuzzy. You wanted to sit down. It was a difficult sort of discomfort, disorienting and instantaneous, but you didn’t let yourself linger on it. If you did that, you’d have to explain yourself, make your argument more sympathetic than logical. You’d have to tell them about the arguments, the way he’d kissed you, the bruises on your arm that still hadn’t faded despite your dutiful avoidance. You’d have to admit there were bruises at all, and…

That wasn’t going to happen. You already knew it wasn’t going to happen.

“Cut the shit.” It took you a moment to notice Konoha was talking, turned towards his teammates and away from you. A few months ago, you might’ve taken it as an insult, but that might’ve been Bokuto’s one silver lining – you got used to being pushed into the background, when he was around. Hell, even when he wasn’t, sometimes. “He won’t play. He hasn’t come to school in a week. He can barely get out of bed. The poor guy’s a fucking wreck.” There was a pause, something similar to a groan. He didn’t have to tell you it was your fault, not when you could practically hear him thinking it, whether or not his lips moved. “It’s sad. He’s fucking miserable. If you saw it, you’d know what I mean.”

“That’s not my problem.” It wasn’t. Bokuto could’ve hurt you. For a moment, he’d looked like he wanted to hurt you. That wasn’t something you’d forgive with a few tears and a little sulking. “I’m not responsible for him. I don’t want to be responsible for him, and I never have. If you need a babysitter, you’re going to have to look somewhere else.”

“It’ll only be for a few more months.” Like always, Washio was calm, composed, cutting in before Konoha could provide a decent rebuttal. “Just until graduation. He’ll probably be over it, by then, and you won’t have to worry about any of us.”

Until the next moody third-year decides he wants a pick-me-up, too.

“I’m not interested.” You let yourself scoff, look of to the side, pretend you had better places to be. You did have better places to be. Anywhere would be better than this, as long as it meant you didn’t have to think about him. As long as it meant you didn’t have to think about Bokuto ever again, you’d do just about anything. “You saw the way he acted, I couldn’t look at someone else without having to worry about whether or not he’d lose his shit. I wasn’t happy. Fuck, I was a second away from losing my shit. You can’t ask me to go back to that just so you can win at... what? Volleyball?.” You took a deep breath, forcing yourself to stop. You didn’t want to talk about this. If you were going to spill your guts to anyone, it wasn’t going to be a dozen teenage boys who thought the only way to make their dear captain happy was to torture you, intentionally or otherwise. “If it’s only a few months, then the rest of you can wait it out. This isn’t my burden. It’s not my problem, and I don’t care enough to pretend it is.”

You didn’t want to hear his response. You didn’t want a part of this fight. You tried to walk away, to push past him, but Konoha only stiffened, catching you by the arm before you could take a full step. You flinched, going rigid as soon as you felt his fist wrap around your wrist, but if he noticed the way you drew back, if he heard the soft, panicked noise that slipped through your parted lips, he didn’t bother apologizing. If anything, into only seemed to inflate his ego further, to make him even more self-righteous. Like he was the caring friend, and you were the stone-cold bitch who was finally starting to see the weight of the situation. Like he was the one in the right. You couldn’t blame him, on that front. No one would be willing to go this far unless they really believed their own bullshit.

“I don’t think you understand.” He was speaking slowly, now. If he hadn’t made it obvious he was willing to hit back, you might’ve been tempted to smack him. “We’re not asking.”

Oh. Right. That changed things.

It was all you could do not to let your voice shake, as you forced yourself to spit something out. “And what’s that supposed to mean, exactly?”

To his credit, Konoha didn’t try to make any idle threats. No, not right now, not when he was so determined to make himself the good guy. Not when it was already clear he’d convinced himself he’d do whatever he had to, as long as it was for Bokuto’s sake. “Bokuto needs this,” He said, instead, like it was all the explanation you could need. “Go back to him on your own. It’ll be easier, if you do.”

Biting the inside of your cheek, you tore your eyes away from Konoha, scanning over the other athletes instead. You weren’t sure to look for, support or regret or just enough guilt to draw one or the other out, but you barely had a chance to look before your attention was drawn to a familiar face – Akaashi, standing at the edge of the group, eyes sheepishly focused on the ground. He’d been the first one you talked to, when you first transferred halfway through the year, the first person to offer to walk you home and to invite you to a game and to smile sympathetically, whenever you asked how long your ‘arrangement’ was supposed to last. You didn’t make friends, but if you did, you would’ve counted Akaashi as one. You tried not to get attached to people, but if you were any weaker, you’d be attached to Akaashi. He was a nice guy, despite the company he kept. You trusted him. Or, you would’ve liked to, at least. You could’ve, if you’d trusted yourself to.

You must’ve been staring for a second too long. By the time you thought to say something, he was already glancing up, consciously looking past you. If you didn’t know better, you might’ve thought he was embarrassed. Something near guilt, but not quite there. Empathy pulled in two different directions, but he’d already chosen one side over the other.  “I think it would be… better, if you apologized to Bokuto.” He was talking to you. That, you could be thankful for. At least he was talking to you, rather than whatever enemy the rest of his team must’ve morphed you into before deciding to go through with their little confrontation. “He loves you. You should’ve heard the way he sounded, after he found out.” He faltered, for a moment, but the display of vulnerability was short-lived. “If nothing else, he really does love you.”

It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. It shouldn’t have, you were sure of that.

That didn’t mean you could stop it from hurting, though.

You didn’t believe them. You weren’t convinced. You wanted to keep going, to try to talk them down, to do anything but roll over and throw yourself into the arms of their psychopathic captain, but suddenly, your throat felt dry, and it was all you could do to stay on your feet. You felt small, smaller than you had a minute ago. You felt vulnerable, even if you knew there was nothing they could do here, on school-grounds, where any passing teacher or student could see. You didn’t want to be here, you didn’t want to do this, but as you forced yourself to notice Akaashi’s careful aversion, how tightly Konoha was holding you…

You realized you might not have a choice, either way.

[deans-haunted-baby]

Okay I see there are those who are confused as to why most of us are pissed about 15x19 I will gladly explain in depth:

Let’s start off with our boys Adam Milligan & Michael. These characters have not been seen for 10 fucking years. During that time there were Adam stans like myself campaigning like mad to have him and the infamous archangel return for some much needed closure. We had to content ourselves with headcanons, fanfictions and metas based on what we briefly knew of Adam and Michael as people while they unfairly sat in Hell. You might have seen the “Adam’s Still in Hell” memes that circulated. WE WAITED OVER A DECADE FOR THIS. And finally SPN answers our prayers and returns these boys back into the story for the final season. None of us anticipated what their arc and dynamic would look like. Before we could only imagine who these two characters were/are after having been trapped in a cage so long; what their personalities would be like and if they’d be antagonistic to TFW. 15x08 was a surprise because not only were Adam and Michael likable right out of the gate but the writing for them and their dynamic was damn near flawless! And Jake fucking stole the show he killed it as these two. It’s a crime they were not featured in more episodes because the chemistry between these characters is amazing and they’re played by the same dude.

We were given so much background into both Adam and Michael’s psyches in just a short period of time. Their motivations, interests and how they viewed those that wronged them (like the Winchesters); how Hell affected/changed them both and how they viewed their families. We got to see them banter, cooperate with one another and most importantly their different personalities. With Jake Abel appearing in only a handful of SPN episodes, he still fleshed out Michael and Adam beautifully; giving them layers and complexities that most side-characters (who’ve appeared more times than they have) didn’t. The way Jake played Adam’s anger and resentment towards his brothers was brilliant because it’s more under the surface compared to his angsty teenage self in 5x18. He’d become somewhat restrained, laid-back, gentler and wiser which works because Adam displays traits similar to Sam and Dean. He’s kinder and has a sense of humor but none of that distracts from rational thought as he’s quick to analyze and dissect situations. Man, he would’ve made a great hunter/Men of Letters recruit. We know right off the bat Adam’s pissed at his brothers for abandoning him in a thousand-year-prison-sentence and didn’t lift a finger BUT that ironically doesn’t compromise his willingness to help them unlike his past self in 5x18. Jake gets the point across with this character without saying much and that’s what made him so compelling to watch in this episode.

Now Michael was even more of a mystery onion since he wasn’t onscreen as much as Adam had been in past episodes so Jake got to really build on top of this character. Going from the uptight, cold-blooded merciless celestial warrior/dutiful son of God we saw in 5x22 to someone whom despite his arrogance and regal princely demeanor was very human, intelligent, fair, mindful and compassionate. He trusted Adam and respected his opinions even if he didn’t agree 100%. Whereas most angels take over the vessel completely from their original occupant; Michael chooses to share his vessel with Adam as a mutual agreement which says a lot about who he is. He’s fascinated with humanity and wanted to explore it instead of returning to his throne in the clouds. We know that Michael was created specifically to be Humanity’s protector and guardian of Heaven and Earth so these quirks he’d demonstrated in 15x08 aren’t too far off. He holds a lot of pain inside from his abandonment issues with his father whom he loves to a fault and grief over the death of his brothers. On the surface there’s very much an abused child syndrome thing going on with him though he masks it with a domineering presence. And above all this we saw that he was capable of forgiveness. Whether or not Michael always had these traits inside to begin with, its very evident that his friendship with Adam influenced the person he became post-Hell. And that was someone who, like Castiel, chose to rebel for the sake of free will by aligning himself with the Winchesters after witnessing the evil his father had committed. He actually cared about saving the world. This is what we call character development.

What does 15x19 do? It shits all over that. We don’t get to see Adam and Michael’s dynamic at all; and this was perhaps one of (if not the first) most healthy portrayal of a relationship between an angel and its original vessel occupant in the history of Supernatural. Adam is just killed off-screen Thanos style without so much as one last word and Michael barely reacts like he gives a crap. It was just established to us in 15x08 that he’d developed an emotional bond with Adam through years of inhabiting the same body. He protected Adam while they were trapped together in Hell. They were each other’s only friend and source of comfort. They’d developed a certain co-dependency on each other while respecting one another’s space. They’d both made peace with their joint situation. All they had was each other and the writing in 15x19 basically tells us their relationship meant absolutely NOTHING to Michael based on his OOC actions in this episode. He shows up much darker and shadier now that Adam is gone and its like all those years of friendship, things like that independence, newfound strength and humility he’d gained from living with a human for so long are erased. Michael just reverts back to Chuck’s 5x22 bitchboy persona in the most ridiculous 180 shift I’ve ever seen in my whole damn life. And all because his little brother called him mean names. Pitiful. Just when he lectures Lucifer about standing up for what’s right; he betrays his own words, his allies and the rest of humanity in T-minus 2 minutes. That is total character assassination. Nothing about this motivation makes any sense.

There’s no build up to it, no foreshadowing in 15x08 or throughout 15x19 until they get to the lake. He’s completely deconstructed as a character in this episode and rendered weak. It’s like 15x08 never happened. Stripped of all his development for lousy shock value. Instead utilizing all of what he’d learned through Adam and sticking it to Lucifer by proving he could be more than what Chuck tried to mold him into; Michael becomes just another NPC in the story forfeiting the hero he was. And his reasons for siding with Chuck are never specified. Was it about about saving Adam? Was it about proving something to Lucifer (whom he’d already killed in anti-climatic fashion)? Was it all an act that he was in on with the Winchesters; cause there’s absolutely NO FUCKING WAY they could’ve predicted he’d flip on them like that for their magical plan to work. Not after everything Chuck’s done, killing Adam and Jack and leaving Michael to rot in Hell for eternity. And why would he suddenly go along with destroying the Earth when defeating Chuck would probably get Adam back (if that was his goal) which IT DID not to mention its his sworn duty to freaking protect humanity, hello? So his betrayal meant jack shit in the end as it got him killed by his fucking dad!! He’s brought back into the show only to be ruined forever and killed off in the stupidest fashion.

Moving on.

Jack Kline & Castiel. This iron-clad relationship has been in development for 4 in 1/2 years since before Jack was even born. And next to Adam & Michael its the other most healthy relationship on the show. Castiel, a million year old celestial being, spent the first 9 years of his arc on Supernatural following around the Winchesters, being torn between his loyalty to them and to Heaven. He rebelled when he was supposed to be a straight-by-the-book warrior of God. And he defied every rule in the process even when the odds were stacked against him. There was an endless rinse and repeat cycle of love, loss, betrayal and redemption when it came to his relationship with Sam and Dean. It made his character complex, interesting and layered but it still didn’t give him an arc that was his own. Castiel started out moreso being written as just the Winchester’s angel BFF/side-kick. Until Lucifer got Kelly Kline pregnant in 12x08 then things really took off. Before this, Castiel was a lost soul. His faith was broken, he was depressed, lonely, battered and rundown from years of being conflicted over the other angels and Sam & Dean. He felt he’d lost a sense of self and meaning in his life. And didn’t have a mission. Once he turned on Heaven’s orders, Castiel was a rebel angel without a cause so to speak. But like I said this changes the moment he meets Kelly.

Originally Castiel was suppose to kill Kelly in 12x19 because she was carrying the child of the devil and Nephilim are considered forbidden abominations. Told that if Lucifer’s kid was born he could unleash even more evil into the world. But instead of doing what he thought he should, Castiel decides to runaway with her. Choosing to protect her from all threats (Lucifer, demons, other angels, princes of Hell); this especially included the Winchesters. During this short time-frame the angel develops a strong, emotional bond with Kelly and her unborn son that stretches all the way to the S12 finale; to the point where it actually gave him a power-boost. From the womb, Jack appoints Castiel to be his father and protector and he’s given a glimpse into the child’s destiny that he’ll bring paradise to the world. A prophecy that the writers establish head on. This is an unusual circumstance because right here is where Castiel’s solo arc apart from the Sam & Dean takes shape. The journey of becoming a first time parent and guardian. Its a new kind of independence that for the first time has nothing to do with his friends or his family members/colleagues in the sky. Its his own personal mission that he willingly accepts, the second he connects with Jack from inside Kelly. Castiel immediately falls in love with him, before they even see each other; and adopts the boy devoting himself to keeping him safe. Making a promise to Kelly that would later become a vital plot-point in the seasons to come.  

Castiel literally risks everything (Heaven and Earth) to ensure Jack’s birth and ends up dead by 12x23′s startling conclusion. Leaving the newborn infant Nephilim alone in the care of the Winchesters going into season 13; scared, confused and aged into a seemingly 18 year old boy for his own protection. And Alexander Calvert who is a fantastic addition to the cast really brings something wonderful to this role; he’s like a breath of fresh air and a bright light in the middle of a dark room. Jack’s naïve, innocent and curious about his surroundings but also as Castiel once put it “remarkably intuitive”. Right when he’s introduced his arc is intentionally paralleled with Castiel’s. Their alien-fish-out-of-water beginning is practically identical as is their adorable stoic facial expressions. Like father like son. And this helps because while the angel is currently dead in the beginning of season 13, there’s an empty void he’s left behind. So Jack is kind of his temporary stand-in. Odd enough this type of switcharoo would’ve been considered very controversial but it’s handled quite well. Alex is so likable and charming I almost wish Supernatural had introduced him sooner. I mean I really thought I was looking at Castiel’s actual mini-me and not the son of Satan. But I digress Jack’s story in the first half of this season is pretty much about discovery and reuniting with Castiel. He’s a baby so everything is new to him but he’s also one of the most powerful beings in the universe destined for greatness which makes the Winchesters very nervous.

Jack remembers choosing Castiel as his dad which is why he already feels strongly connected to him. Its a bond so powerful that it actually resurrects Castiel out of the Empty the first time. Something Chuck himself was unable to do (that was until the mess that is 15x19). When they’re finally reunited the payoff comes so naturally. Misha and Alex have such a phenomenal onscreen chemistry starting with that first hug; they really play off one another so well that it doesn’t feel like two angels interacting but a genuine father and son duo. So much of what makes Jack and Castiel’s relationship so relatable, deep and endearing is because of what the actors bring to it. But they’re not just a fascinating relationship, they’re compelling on their own too. Both trying to find their way in the world and within the Winchesters’ lives. Death is no stranger to either of them (tragic being that Jack is only a toddler). They’ve each experienced their own personal pain, traumas, life lessons, mistakes and decisions. The biggest for Castiel would be his deal with the Empty to save Jack in 14x08. While for Jack it was the consequences of said deal that would lose his soul causing him to accidently kill Sam and Dean’s mom in 14x18 as a result (something that Jack struggles with immensely to the brink of depression from so much guilt and regret that he’d rather die). Repercussions that would follow into the shows final season. What’s interesting about this deal though is that Castiel made it on parental instinct alone not as a promise to Kelly. He chose to sacrifice himself for the sake of his son as a selfless act of love and kept it a secret from Sam & Dean until his death in 15x18. That’s the extent how much this child meant to him. The other great thing about their family dynamic is that it parallels nicely with the Winchesters. Castiel and Jack share this unconditional love that can never be broken. its even greater than their ties to the Winchesters themselves just as Sam & Dean’s love for each other is greater than any of their other relationships. They would do anything for each other. Castiel would go to the ends of the earth for the little nougat baby because that’s his son.  

Each time these characters were faced with danger or died, Castiel and Jack were overcome with extreme devastation and distress. That said its not just pain that binds these two its happiness. Jack is the best thing that ever happened to Castiel. Literally becoming a father to that child saved him. It brought him back to life, restored his faith and gave him a sense of self-worth and hope he’d long since abandoned. And for Jack, Castiel is the best dad he’ll ever have! He gave this baby comfort, wisdom, nurturing, strength. Was always there when he needed him whether it was to talk or to have his back. No other person in Jack’s life has ever made such an important impact nor made him feel more safe and loved than Castiel. Even when Jack had done such a horrible thing to Mary alienating himself from his family; it was Castiel’s unyielding devotion to Jack that ended up being his salvation. This was huge because once again he’d chosen over the Winchesters proving that no matter what (whether it be the world ending) his son comes first. So when Castiel’s pact with the Empty finally comes due in 15x18 you’d think it’d have an earth-shattering affect on Jack in 15x19. I mean for the first bit it does...until he becomes God. Then its like to hell with that relationship. Castiel is a complete afterthought to Jack and the rest of TFW in this episode. JACK DOESN’T EVEN GET TO GRIEVE HIM PROPERLY. And he just lost his dad because of a deal he’d made a year ago for him. A DEAL JACK HAS BEEN FUCKING DREADING WHILE HE WAS SOULLESS MIND YOU. And when he finally has the power to bring him back, he doesn’t? Jack just walks around with a conceited smirk on his face, bids Sam and Dean adieu and fucks off. I mean who gives a shit right, its only your dad that you love more than anything. This was extremely OOC given that time in 14x14 Jack nearly lost his shit when Castiel got infected with gorgon poison; the anti-venom wasn’t working so Jack resorts to using his powers putting his soul at risk.

I mean if he was so limited to helping Castiel in the Empty AT LEAST FREAKING CLARIFIY THIS TO THE AUDIENCE. This is not about shipping a certain pairing btw. Jack becoming God is not the issue its his characterization after the fact. His first instinct would’ve been to save his dad above getting in touch with the Earth. Yes we knew this transformation was coming it was foreshowed way back in Season 12. Does that justify bad writing or character assassination?? HELL NO.

This is what I’m talking about, episode 15x19 deliberately butchers these characters and their relationships. It shat all over them. No one is behaving like themselves. The pacing is wonky and inconstant. The script feels like it underwent several rewrites and I swear there were scenes cut out. The acting is off too and maybe the pandemic could be blamed for these things but it ultimately falls on the writer. Buckleming screwed up by showing us they don’t know who the hell these characters are, their motivations nor do they give a rat’s ass. And its noticeable on screen. I’ve known better fanfiction writers for SPN than these guys. It’s like they all came back to work but just didn’t care to put the effort into it. That’s why people like me are upset and we have every freaking right to be. Some of us have been with this series for the entire 15 year run. I at least expect these characters to be handled better and for things to make sense. 15x19 doesn’t and its not satisfying its just a cruel joke. The writers and Dabb should be embarrassed to have put this out there thinking we’d just swallow it and shut up. But far as I’m concerned the only thing this episode serves is to disrespect and ruin everybody while angering long-time fans.

MICHAEL. ADAM MILLIGAN. JACK KLINE AND CASTIEL DESERVED BETTER. And that’s the tea.

[neoaevis]

How Much I Love You/Hate you

How Much I Love You/Hate you

Word Count: 2654

Warnings:Smut(Use of the word slut, Boss kink, Over Stimulation, Male and Female receiving, Dom Mark, Pregnant Sex, Office Sex, Unprotected Sex(Don’t forget to wrap it), Cheating,Mentions of the word gold digger , Angst,Violence;punching and mentions of hurtful words(that’s it ig pm me for more)

!! NOT PROOF READ!!

A/N: Hello my dear bbys I finished the second chapter and I really hope y’all like it and just like I said it will be indiv story first and in around the third chapter we will see some interactions between our main characters but well lol depends in what I write, I really hope you enjoyed this as much as I did lol and please don’t hate me if you don’t also don’t copy any of my works,you may also chat me for suggestions or give me some asks of atw with things you are curious  about and btw I will open the taglist so send me a message if you wish to be tagged enjoy💋

Chapter II

Day Before Heading To Korea

“That was amazing but can be better” Mark says as he stands up away from the girl that was shaking from the sex they just had. Mark was in a meeting that was honestly really boring when one of the intern that he has  been flirting around with started palming him under the table that makes his eyes grow wide and his dick erect, originally he wanted to keep his dick inside his pants but she palmed her faster which made him hornier, so in the middle of the meeting he stood up and made everyone confused from his actions and people asking in small murmurs if something was wrong “Let’s continue this later, lunch break” he said with a loud enough voice.

He walked to the door signaling the girl to follow him into his office once she was inside he locks the door shut pressing the girl’s back to the door “What a fucking slut you are” he said with absolute dominance that makes the girl shiver ” I w-want you sir” she said as he tries to grab Mark’s face to kiss him in which Mark refused “You are not allowed to touch me” he removes his tie grabbing the girl’s hand and tying it hard enough that it will surely bruise, due to Mark’s action she feels her clit’s dripping wetness, Mark started by removing her blouse and tossing it just wherever, seeing the lace underwear she wore his eyes grew full with lust, he went to her neck hungrily leaving small marks as he unclasp her bra, he removes her skirt now carrying her towards the sofa near his  table, he opens her legs harshly, rubbing her clit he said “Your this wet, I’ve barely done anything” he grinned, the girl was unable to open her legs from too much pleasure in which Mark reacted to by opening it wider “I’m going to punish you and make sure you will regret what you did” he exclaimed while ripping the girl’s panty, he sucked her clit harshly tightly grabbing her thighs, he then moves his tongue down her entrance which makes the girl release a loud moan, he stops and grabs her neck pulling it towards his face “You’re too loud do you want everyone in the office to know how dirty you are” his statement makes the girl’s voice hitch and even before she can give a reply he gets back to pushing his tongue in her entrance while rubbing her clit with his thumb, the pressure make the girl see stars all over ”I-I I’m cumming sir” she stated stuttering too much, Mark stops the girl felt the emptiness and she whined “You don’t get to cum yet slut” he said, he pulls her hair making her kneel he unbuttons his shirt and unbuckles his belt pushing down his pants with his boxer “Open your mouth” he orders as he pushed her towards his dick deep down enough for her to gag , he went on and on that the girl is now crying from how it’s too much but not wanting to stop as pleasure spreads all over her as Mark felt he was close the sloppier he got in pushing her, so she took the initiative to suck him on her own and not long after he came in her throat, saltiness filling her palate.

He pulls her bending her over his desk, he thrust inside her slowly before he slams harder and deep “S-sir you feel so good” his ego got boosted with her compliment thrusting harshly to make sure she would have a hard time walking and for her to learn her lesson, he grabs both of her boobs pushing her towards him deepening every thrust and soon after the girl clenched around Mark “You’re cumming huh?” “Y-yes” she said and Mark slaps her but really hard “You need to call me sir for you to cum” he said demanding her to follow “Y-ye yes sir please make this slut cum” soon after she cums and after a few more thrusts Mark follows, he gave her three more sharp thrusts befor pulling out.

“That was amazing but can be better” Mark says as he stands up away from the girl that fell down shaking from sex, “Your on the pill right” he inquired remembering he came inside her.

“Oh shit, I-I’m not on the pill sir” she said while she tries to stand up but fail, Mark then removed his tie from the girl and began collecting his clothes putting them back on one by one.

“I will tell my secretary to buy you some plan B make sure to take it” he said as he pulls his tie up signaling he will be leaving already.

“What if I don’ take it” she asked teasingly but Mark did not take it well slamming his palms towards the desk she is leaning to “Why did you fuck me is to get yourself pregnant for money?” he exclaimed, fear has spread across the girl’s face making her feel small.

Mark grabs his check in his desk and wrote 1 million dollars worth of money “Here’s the money so make sure to take it” he throws it towards her face.

“Are you just going to leave me, how about me right now or my panty at least” the girl said feeling pathetic and which Mark replied with a scoff giving her another check worth another million.

“I believe the money is enough now” he said walking away now and stopping before opening the door to say “I don’t care about you, what we did was just sex and nothing more so get out of here as fast as you can” and he left as anger spread all over him.

Flashback to College

Truth be told Mark is actually sensitive about pregnancy topics, there was this girl that he loved so deeply when he was just eighteen years old her name was Mina, he spent his youth loving and protecting her, she was poor unlike Mark which his parent’s disliked and protested that she was only a gold digger that is after his money, Mark even went through extreme lengths for her, from buying her expensive gifts to giving every part of him, even arguing with his parents every day and when she got pregnant when they were twenty he was extremely happy, he thought his life was complete with her not until one day when he went to her apartment he heard moans from her room “God, Mark doesn’t even know what we are doing, fucking around like this” said Mina “He is like a puppy following you around” exclaimed the man “Baby if not for his money I won’t be even fucking him, nor get pregnant plus you’re way better in bed” she said moaning, it made Mark really angry and pained, he slams the door open to which shocked the both of them.

“What the fuck did you just say y-you” he said as his voice breaks from too much pain that the love of his life gave him “Only loved me for money” Mina get’s herself off from the man as she tries to get close to Mark “ Mark no you, you heard wrong, I love you not because of your money” he pushed Mina away as he made eye contact with the guy making him punch him hard releasing all the anger “ I did not hear wrong, how dare you cheat on me” he said eyeing Mina, she begged Mark all over and over  and the man she was having sex with said “Just leave that good for nothing asshole Mina” his words made every vein from Mark pop that’s why he punches the guy again and again and again in which the guy returned but Mark was overpowering as he threw more punches, Mina tried to stop them both but she was too weak to stop them soon after he gave the final punch that made the guy fall “I am not good for nothing, in fact I have money which both of you don’t have” he said in the most angry tone he has ever been, Mina and the guy was left shocked with his words they felt very belittle by it “And for you Mina, I loved you and all along my parents were right you are nothing but a gold digger” it made Mina cry even harder, regret filling her all over as she tried to reach Mark only to be pushed away hard enough that her belly hit the side of the bed, soon after that blood filled the room Mark was alarmed remembering his baby so he gave the ambulance a call. When they arrived in the hospital Mina was immediately checked and he found out his baby died his blood and flesh died, regret, blame and all different emotions filled him mostly blaming Mina if she did not cheat on him this will not happen. He left her that day returning to his parents because of how sorry he feels he defended her yet they were right all along, after that Mark has changed he no longer is the bubbly and friendly Mark he became a bad boy fucking every single girl not caring about them at all or would have a girlfriend but would cheat on them on multiple occasions, no relationship after Mina lasted as he thought all people care about is money not how he feels.

Day Before Heading To Korea

Walking he saw his secretary slash friend Taeil he immediately orders him to buy the plan B for the girl he just banged or just anything to prevent her from getting pregnant “Sir why do you fuck girls when you don’t want them to get pregnant” his secretary exclaimed “Come on Taeil don’t play innocent who knows you might’ve banged as much as I did or even more” he said teasing him to which Taeil returned with a huge shake of his head “Nope,nope I’m not like you and never will, well infact I am getting married soon” Mark was shocked not really believing Taeil so he slapped his arm “Your jokes are getting better” he laughed while Taeil had a straight face “Im not kidding my girlfriend really said yes and we are getting married” Mark stopped laughing with a face of disbelief that made Taeil chuckle now “Your gonna settle with someone now?” he questions “Hahaha Mark yes I am” he pats Mark’s shoulder “Wow, why is everyone around me getting married, you should know that the single life is way better” he said while clicking his toungue “Being single is indeed better, but when you love someone you would prefer to be with them every minute and every second and then it would be better for you because you love each other” he said lovingly making Mark laugh “You are madly in love hyung” he laughs “I bet when you meet your match you will also be madly in love with her” Mark shook his head showing a big X sign with his arms “Loving someone crazily will only kill you ,plus I know for sure all they want from me is my money” he said protesting and Taeil gave him a comforting smile before he turns his back to return to work.

Mark headed to the rooftop to get some fresh air while doing so he reminisce his past about Mina and Taeil’s words about him finding true love, discovering that there is indeed a part of him that wants to meet someone that loves him for him and not his money but before he could think more he shrugs it off and in que his phone rings and the caller was his Dad, he answers the phone.

Dad : “Son how have you been there in Canada?” his father questions with a giddy tone

Mark: “Here alive and well” he answers bluntly

Dad: “That’s good, how about the company is it doing well?” he questions further

Mark: “Of course it’s doing exceptionally well, is that all you have to ask” he ask as he sense there is something more with his phone call

Dad: ” Well uhm son I need you to come to Korea asap” he said as he cleared his throat

Mark: “How about our company here, it needs me dad” he said, but actually deep down he is not ready to come back to Korea because coming back means revisiting his past.

Dad: “I already fixed that, your brother is coming to Canada to manage the company”

Mark: “But Dad I’m not really sure I actually don’t want to go back”

Dad: “Look Mark, honestly I wanted to ask you kindly first to hear your first reaction but I just want to inform you that even if you say no, I want you to come home here as soon as you can”

Mark: “Dad but I- I ok fine yes I will come go to Korea as soon as I can but do I just leave?”

Dad: “Yes Mark and starting the day you come back here you will manage the company in Korea plus you need to attend a charity ball this week Saturday”

Mark: “ Ok Dad I get it” he said with a defeated tone

And his Dad hangs up, he doesn’t really want to go and feels very hesitant having an inner conflict with himself, his phone rang again and the caller this time is Taeil telling him to get back to the meeting as lunch break was already over, he endured several more meetings after another until it was finally over to signify his day will finally end. He went back to his office massaging the temples of his forehead as he sat down to think about the many things that bothers him, he then pages for Taeil through his phone, Taeil rushed to see him asking what are his orders for him, Mark stood up and told Taeil “Book me a flight to Korea tomorrow” Taeil took note of it as schok embodied him “Tomorrow sir? And Korea?” he knows that Mark hates Korea for the reason behind it being Mina but he repeated “Yes tomorrow to Korea also you are coming with me” he said as he grabs his things preparing to leave work “B-but sir why shall I come with you and how about my wedding?” he inquires worriedly “It’s part of your job as my secretary and as for you wedding if your soon to be wife loves you so much she can wait oh and make sure it’s a one way ticket” Taeil was very schoked with Mark’s action but before he can speak up more Mark was waves him goodbye making his exit.

The next day Mark woke up with a not so good mood, he made his secretary Taeil pack for him and for which Taeil cursed him for, after packing they head in to his car to drive to the airport Mark tried to get some sleep but he can’t seem to get some with all the flashback memories filling him, they arrived in the airport, checked in and headed to the first class seats of the plane, the whole plane ride was spent with drinking, sleeping and eating for he past 15hrs and after all that has passed he finally hears the flight attendant proclaim” Flight #127 to Seoul South Korea has now landed” and there he was in the land he long abandoned, the land filled with bright yet devastating memories, he shut his eyes preparing himself, as he finally left the plane he feels the jet lag kicking and decided to go to his parents house, just as he thought everyone was asleep due to the very dim lighting he was surprised by his parents with a huge “WELCOME HOME” banner, and he thought to himself “This is it Mark you are really here”.

“All Rights Reserved”  © sibehpoor  2021

[angelicspaceprince]

SFW Alphabet Heisenberg Headcanons

I posted these on my AO3 but I thought I’d move my headcanons onto Tumblr too - all fanfics are staying on AO3 at this stage.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Heisenberg is a man of action, not of words. He’d be more inclined to show affection through gift giving or physical touch once you’ve reached that level of familiarity around him. In public, definitely a lot more possessive behaviour that’s merged in with physical affection, like his arm around your shoulders or waist, hand holding, making sure you’re within arms reach.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

There would be so much swearing. You’d have to be forced to be around him for a long time before he warmed up to you, and would have to prove that you were trying to be friends with the intent of being his friend, not for Miranda’s or your gain. I personally HC that he and Donna get along well enough that they spend time with one another sometimes, so even being an acquaintance of Donna’s and meeting that way would help speed things up a bit. He’d pop in on you during really bad moments ‘just to say hi’ but then you wouldn’t hear from him for months because he’s too focused on his metal army to realise how much time has passed.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He will never admit it, but he does love a cuddle. If you manage to convince him to have a cuddle session with you, he will always, always insist on being the mattress or the big spoon, and will play with your hair and trace random words and numbers against your back. When he’s had enough or needs to do something he will make a snide remark about you having had your fun and he needs to get up to do actual adult shit now, but you always find he’s a lot calmer after having a good cuddle. During rough days are the days that he will approach you directly and state plainly that he wants you to be the big spoon or the mattress, loving the feeling of your hands in his hair or playing with his various necklaces or tracing weird patterns that don’t make sense against his skin. He loves a good cuddle, but again. He will deny it until his last breath.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Heisenberg can cook one (1) meal and he burns it every single time. He claims it ‘adds flavour’, but in reality he was so focused on something that he forgot that he had something on the stove until he smelt smoke. He’s also not a clean man, not organised - shit just goes on the floor and when he needs it, he eventually finds it or a replacement.

I don’t think Heisenberg would want to settle down intentionally. He’s so focused on leaving the village that it consumes every waking and sleeping thought. But, that being said, if someone was to arrive and start acting domestic around him once he’d lowered his walls enough, he’d quickly fall into some sense of routine that looks very, very domestic from the outside. He’s very much the sort of man who doesn’t ask you out, you just end up dating somehow.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Cut and run. He doesn’t had time for emotions (before leaving the village) and he’s not good with words so he’d rather just up and leave and save himself the hassle. Probably wouldn’t even leave a note or send a text, you’d just have to figure it out for yourself that he was alive and had left you and not dead in a ditch.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Definitely not whilst living in the village. Again, he’d not really ask someone to be in a relationship more than he’d just fall into one. But, once he’s realised that you’re dating (and after he’s left the village, whichever comes last), he may start thinking about something more long term. I feel like it would take years for him to realise that he wants to marry you, and then years again before he asks. You’ve got to be in it for the long-haul and after escaping the village, there is a lot of healing that would need to take place. So. Don’t expect marriage any time soon.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Surprisingly, very? He’s a hard ass at first, but the longer you know him and the more he drops his guard, the more you realise he’s a big ole softy underneath his hard shell. He wears a lot of his more intense emotions on his sleeves, but the more intimate ones are harder to come by and usually it takes a unique gaze to realise that he’s been gentle to you for a while, it’s just in a very Heisenberg way.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Same with cuddling, he’ll never admit that he likes them but he does. You have to initiate most hugs, with his preference being you pressed up against his back as he sits by his desk or table with your head resting either on top or next to his own. He’s always warm, and a weird but comforting blend of strong muscle with soft fat makes his hugs some of the best you’ve ever experienced. Sometimes he needs them for a little pick me up and sometimes you need them for the same reason. If you ask him to hug you first, with your head pressed against his chest or shoulder, he will grumble and tease you a little, but never, ever deny you.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Oh, forever. I’m convinced that Heisenberg shows his love rather than says it - you learn his little love declarations as time goes on (him fussing over you or saying some form of praise where an ‘I love you’ would be appropriate, him making or doing something for you. Stuff like that). I don’t think Heisenberg would say I love you very often, it’d only be during highly emotional or important moments that the word would just slip out.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Ahaha. Ahaha. Ahahahahaha. Yeah no he gets jealous a lot. It does not take much. Angie demanding too much of your time? Jealous. Alcina inviting you to dinner with her and her girls. Jealous. That random kid from the village asking you for help and giving you a flower as thanks? Jealous. He tends to get more closed off to you and short, and if it’s Alcina who’s the one who makes him feel this way or, heaven forbid, someone showing interest in you romantically, there will be violence. Otherwise, just a lot of pouting and occasional rants about how they know not to bother you and he’s only looking out for you and is definitely not jealous that your attention can’t be on him 100% of the time.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Rough, scratchy. Usually heated but every now and again you’ll have a soft make out session or give each other a simple peck as you walk by. He loves kissing your shoulders and neck just to see you shiver, and forehead kisses are his preferred way to show affection in this manner. He isn’t that fussed where he’s kissed, just as long as he gets to feel your lips against him in some way.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Depends on the age - useless with babies. Absolutely useless. But once kids start talking and he’s able to answer questions or teach them words and phrases that will have their parents seeing red? He’s incredible, mostly because he’s having the time of his life teaching them anything and everything, including different swears to share with their parents the moment they get home.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Pre escape: Each start to the day usually revolves around trying to find out where he’s passed out this time, or if he’s slept at all. Usually you’d bring him something to eat and drink to keep him going and ask what he worked on overnight before you go to get ready for your day.

Post escape: Most mornings, he’d wake up before you and you’d be woken by him playing with your hair or tracing his fingertips against your skin. You’ve taught him how to use the coffee machine, so sometimes he’ll have a coffee there waiting for you. It takes a lot of work for you to pull away from him in the mornings, mostly because he refuses to let you go, but regardless, its a stark contrast to the way he was before escaping Miranda.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Pre escape: You try and stay up with him as long as possible, not wanting him to not have the company. Eventually, you pass out next to him, something he finds hysterical and heartwarming at the same time - he’ll never admit it but he never thought he’d meet anyone that would trust him enough to fall asleep next to him. He usually lets you rest there for a little bit, finding comfort in your soft snoring and occasional shifting, before he picks you up and carries you to bed, making sure you’re tucked in nice and warm before going back to his work. The softness can wait for after you’ve both survived his escape plan, and not a second before.

Post escape: I see two things happening frequently: The first is you falling asleep on the couch with your legs in his lap as you struggle to stay awake as he watches a show on the telly. You don’t want to leave but you struggle to stay awake. When the show is finished, he picks you up and, much like back at the village, carries you to bed but only this time he crawls in after you, curling you up against his side or slotting your back against his front, falling asleep seconds after he has you in a comfortable position for the both of you.

OR

You end up going to bed a little bit early to do something, maybe read a book or scroll on your phone, who knows. Heisenberg eventually joins you, crawling into your lap until his head is resting against your chest. He falls asleep on top of you as you play with his hair, his arms wrapped tightly around your middle as you continue helping to bring him down after a stressful day.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

So, so slowly. I’m talking at least a year of him being completely closed off because he even lowers his guard a little. He’s been hurt before, he’s been used before. And as far as he knows, you could be someone Miranda sent to him to keep tabs on him, or you could be toying with him for your own amusement. You really would have to show that you are there for him before he started opening up to you, and even then it wouldn’t be in waves, it would be in drips and trickles.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

This man has anger issues, he gets angry at the drop of a hat.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He won’t remember stories, or names, or dates - time just blends into one, endless mess for him. But he will remember facts. You tell him your favourite colour or favourite snack? In his mind forever. You make an offhand remark about wanting something? Next time he’s at the Duke’s, he’ll see if he has any in stock.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

When you escaped the village by far, the pair of you in the back of the Duke’s cart as he gets the pair of you away after seeing your home blow up thanks to Ethan. It was the first time that the both of you weren’t on edge or scared that you were seconds away from death, and after the adrenaline of the escape had gone through your system, you were tucked up against his chest, fast asleep as Heisenberg chewed on his cigar, his arm wrapped tightly around you. It was a new beginning for the pair of you, and Heisenberg was excited to see exactly what the world had to offer to the both of you.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Incredibly, especially around Alcina and Mother Miranda. The other lords, not so much. He’s close enough to Donna to know that she wasn’t interested in stealing you, she only wanted to be her friend. Moreau was too scared of Heisenberg to try and pull any shit, the Duke was just a friend and he knew it would never go beyond that but everyone else? Is an immediate threat. There would be a lot of tugging you into his lap, keeping you tucked by his side, using his metal to hold you close. There would be a lot of threats and shouting as well as insult throwing if anyone so much as looked at you funny or made a small comment about taking you away, especially at Alcina. He’d try and keep you away from the village and from the family meetings as much as possible, and his hand would never leave your thigh or your waist if you were forced to attend. He’d make it clear that you were off limits to everyone and anyone.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Not much? Maybe after escaping the village he’ll put a little more effort into certain anniversaries but dates are simple affairs, anniversaries don’t mean much to him. He’d rather show his love to you everyday through small tasks to make your life more comfortable than put all his effort into certain dates. Gifts, however, is where he puts most of his energy - he definitely makes most of his gifts for you. Be it something small that he thought you might like during the day to larger gifts that take time, he will make sure every part of it is perfect for you. You don’t get a gift every day, but you do get a gift most weeks.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Smoking in bed is one. He also has a tendency to focus too heavily on his escape plans that sometimes it can feel like you are being neglected. His bathing habits also are rather lacking too. He 100% wakes you up in the middle of the night to rant about something that is bothering him or explain excitedly to you something that he’s discovered or created.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Not very - he is, according to him, a naturally handsome sonofabitch, why would he need to worry about his style or be attached to a mirror forever fixing his hair?

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

It’s not so much a feeling of incompleteness because Heisenberg always feels empty and broken, but he definitely notices when you’re not nearby. It’s not like a piece of him is missing, but more like a recognition that something in his space is gone and he misses it and needs it back for him to feel more settled.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

He’s autistic. He got his accent from listening to/watching shows on the television in the 50s. Lady D helped raise him and it wasn’t until they had a falling out that they started to hate one another. He didn’t hate Mother Miranda until he was in his 20’s where it became apparent that they were only there because Miranda found some use for them after stumbling into her laboratory and finding her notes on all four of them. He’s also addicted to netflix and loves binge watching whatever he can, especially anything to do with creating/crafting/science. Can speak 3 languages fluently.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He doesn’t like to be fussed over, at least in a way that is blatantly clear that that’s what you’re doing. He is independent to a fault, and refuses to take care of himself - but if you try to do anything to help him without his asking first and it feels like an attempt to mother him? He hates it, with a passion. The longer you know him, the more you’re able to get away with when he knows it's coming from a place of concern, but he can only handle so much because he breaks and his temper flares.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Before escaping the village: He doesn’t sleep much and where he does sleep is wherever he passes out. The man lives off of caffeine, spite and cigars, and the amount of times you’ve found him passed out at one of his many desks is astounding. Best thing to do is cover him up and let him rest because at least he’s sleeping.

After escaping the village: He still doesn’t sleep much, only this time it's due to nightmares of being back in the village under Miranda’s control, or you getting hurt in his attempt to flee. He won’t sleep unless you’re asleep beside him and if that isn’t happening, he either doesn’t sleep at all or works himself to exhaustion so he passes out wherever he may be - just like in the village. He is, however, an octopus when he’s asleep. No matter what position the pair of you fall asleep in, you always end up in some weird tangle of limbs simply because he cannot be close enough to you.

[ink-on-the-brink]

Hi I really love your writing!! Do you think you can write more for medic or sniper how they’d act in a relationship? I really like how you write them and I’d love to see more! (:

Ayo, my first ask! I'm glad you enjoyed my interpretation, it's good to know my stuff's entertaining! Anyway here's some quick headcannons for them in a relationship ^-^

Medic

Now Medic isn't really the type of person to get into relationships much. He's often too busy with work for such things. However, that doesn't mean he's immune to the love bug.

Chances are if you're dating him it's because you two work together or have the same fascination with the human body. It's practically a deal-breaker for him if you're squeamish. He loves his work, so if you don't also find at least a little interest in it he's most likely not going to see you in a romantic light.

When he does end up in a relationship though you can bet your entire ass that it's all but conventional. It's either a Bonnie and Clyde situation or he manages to find someone who dulls down his more psychopathic tendencies.  Either way each day with him is sure to be one hell of a trip, for better or worse.

Despite his apparent love for gore and mutilation, he can be somewhat of a lovesick puppy once he's far enough into a relationship. Often seeking the attention of his lover, despite his denials of doing such a thing.

This man has three modes, blood-covered psychopath, professional doctor, and absolute dork. The changes between the three depend entirely on who he's with and what he's doing. You most often than not will see his more dorky side. His cute ramblings and wide smiles as he's around you. The other two are mostly saved for his work. So depending on how involved you are in the actual gravel war you might end up not even knowing how terrifyingly creepy he can be.

His love language is time well spent. Gifts are nice sure, and he would never deny the comfort of hugs and kisses, but he's more into spending time with his lover. He loves the long conversations late at night and the comedy of inside jokes more than anything else.

Despite this, getting him away from his work to spend time on something else is a rather hard task. He's often so enamored and intrigued with whatever he's working on that he doesn't really want to do much else besides that.

That is when you learn that the only thing this medical man loves more than experimentation is some high-quality dark chocolate. One glimpse at the sweet treat and he's hooked.

You might just wanna ignore the fact that you are literally using treats to lure a grown man from his room and just focus on the fact that it's working

PDA isn't exactly something he cares about, nor does he really think about it. He's not going to get more or less touchy in front of people and he has absolutely no problem with you showing your affection in front of others.

Him? Jealous? Oh don't make him laugh! He'd sooner put Scouts head in his fridge than feel jealousy! (He saids as he's in the process of tearing the guts out of the person who dared to wink at you)

If you are up for it he will 10000% involve you in his experiments. He'll make sure not to do anything too extreme but small things couldn't hurt, right?

Overall excitable and sweet...in the 'I can't give you my heart because I kinda need it to live but would a stranger's heart be an okay replacement?' Kinda way.

Sniper

Okay look, man's super insecure. It might not be noticeable, and he sure as hell won't tell you, but he often doesn't feel right loving himself, let alone loving someone else. He's maybe been in like one romantic relationship. And it probably ended because he was too nervous to say much and put on a stoic face of silence that bored whoever he was dating.

You wanna date this man? You best go buy a pickaxe with how many walls you're going to have to get through first. You'd have to be a very close friend before he even considered anything more.

If you manage to meet that requirement though and he actually ends up catching feelings it can become pretty obvious. The one cool, calm and collected exterior he used didn't work once you knew him well enough and it only became more clear with his mumbled sentences and averted eyes that something was up.

Once he manages to land himself in a relationship though, whether that be by a few accidentally spoken words or you managing to push an answer out of him, it can become rather evident why he didn't want to tell you in the first place.

It's time to bust out the pickaxe again because it looks like you're going to have a few more walls to break through.

At the start of the relationship he's completely silent. It's rare to hear more than a few words from him. It'll take a lot of patience and time to make him comfortable and help him understand that there's no reason to be that way around you.

He isn't a very needy lover. He doesn't expect (or want) to spend every waking moment together. He likes his time alone and he will always respect yours. He's not a very big fan of overly clingy people, it overwhelms him.

You get to see a very different side of Sniper than really anyone else has seen, besides his parents that is. To others he's calculated. He's efficient, polite, and has a plan to kill anyone he meets. You, on the other hand, get to see the outcomes of someone who doesn't tend to express their emotions well. You see the breakdown after each fight he gets involved in and the almost obsession he has with each negative comment thrown his way. He'll act stoic in the moment, maybe throw back an insult or two, but you know he cares a lot for what everyone thinks of him.

Surprisingly his love language is touch. Now it is going to take a long time to get to this point, but once you do it's possibly one of the best parts of your relationship. He loves to hold you and be held by you, to intertwine your fingers with his, to bombard you with sweet kisses all over your face as you squirm beneath him. He SUPER touch-starved and really just wants a hug whenever he sees you.

PDA is a HUGE nope from him. Under no circumstances does he want to do anything in front of anyone. He was comfortable with you and you alone and would probably melt into a puddle of embarrassment if any of the people around you tried to force you two to kiss or hold hands. Luckily for him, most people probably wouldn't even be able to tell the two of you were in a relationship with how much he enforces that rule.

He has two modes when jealous. Fury and silent turmoil. Mode one is when someone advances on you and you want absolutely nothing to do with it or if they end up touching you. He'll most likely tell them to piss off and if they don't he isn't averse to beating a bitch.

Mode two however is the one you have to really worry about. It happens when he notices or perceives someone as flirting with you and you either don't notice it or brush it off as a joke. He kinda always has the fear that you'll leave him for someone better so it certainly doesn't help if he sees someone flirting and you seem okay with it.

He loves sharing hobbies with you and will be absolutely elated if you're more of an outdoorsy person. You two will take vacations all over the world to the most remote places just exploring and camping. It's one of his favorite things to do with you. The two of you will often spend weeks with only each other and if only for a while he can pretend you and him are the only people that exist. For him, that's about as comforting as it gets.

Overall he's a secret mess of a man in great need of someone despite what you may initially think. He's the epitome of 'don't touch me but also I need a hug' and 'people don't mean shit but also please don't leave"

[wandawxdow]

Billy Russo A-Z Fluff

A = Attractive, what do they find attractive about the other?

Other than the obvious (your body) Billy loves your eyes. He often finds himself in a trance when looking into them and is mesmerised by the love and adoration apparent when you look at him.

B = Baby, do they want a family? why/why not?

Billy does want a family in the future, and he wants it with you. Though absolutely terrified to have children, some of his fear is removed with the knowledge that you’ll be by his side. He knows that he wants to be better than either of his parents ever were so that his child has a better childhood than he had.

C = Cuddle, how do they cuddle?

Billy wouldn't openly express his love for cuddling, but he does love it when the two of you get the time. He always finds it comforting and calming when he wakes up and falls asleep with you in his arms.

D = Dates, what are dates with them like?

With both of you leading busy lives, most dates are at your shared apartment. But whether it be takeout after work, a romantic home-cooked meal or a movie marathon, the both of you cherish the time. When both of you have free time, Billy makes an effort to take you out for a proper meal at whatever new restaurant has opened.

E = Everything, you are my ____ (e.g my life, my world…)

Billy believes that you are his light. He’s been fighting his entire life and can get swept up in the violence, but you serve as a reminder of the good.

F = Feelings, when did they know they were falling in love?

Love is a foreign concept in Billy’s life; it hasn't been something he’s experienced or felt as much as he should've. And so, with his lack of knowledge, Billy didn't realise he was falling in love with you until he was already well on his way.

G = Gentle, are they gentle? If so, how?

Billy Russo and gentle are two words that are not often associated with each other. Billy is violence, seriousness and bloody fists yet he allows you to see a softer side. He does little things that matter: making sure you’re covered by the comforter, ensuring he’s there when your sick or stressed, and other things that help your day-to-day activities.

H = Hand/Hold, how do they like to hold? how do they like to hold hands?

Billy doesn't hold hands when the two of you are at Anvil and surrounded by his employees. He doesn't mean to, but once in the building, he’s in work-mode with his serious, business persona. Other times he regularly holds your hand, particularly when the two of you are out in public. It's comforting that he has a grip on you so he can pull you to safety if something were to happen.

I = Impression, first impression/s

Billy first met you at a local bar. He’d been there to blow off some steam and you to drink away the bad day you’d had. He first saw and approached you when overhearing some man hitting on you despite your protests. Billy thought you looked beautiful in the red-illuminated lights with your curled hair and black jeans.

J = Joker, are they into pulling pranks?

Billy’s not big on pranks. Sure, the two of you will joke around, but you never plan elaborate pranks against each other. He’s done small things like hiding behind a door and scaring you as you walk past, but that's pretty much as far as it goes.

K = Kisses, how do they kiss?

Billy’s kisses are either slow and delicate or passionate and rough - there's no in-between. It all depends on his mood and the situation. If he's happy and content, then he peppers you with gentle kisses that express his love. If jealous, angry or filled with lust, his kisses are rough and passionate and often leads to other activities.

L = Little things, what little things do they love/notice?

Billy’s trained to notice small and often overlooked details about people, and so it's no surprise that he picks up on your quirks rather quickly. He noticed and loves how you prefer old movies when in a bad mood and how you hum under your breath when bored and happy.

M = Memory, their favorite moment together

Billy has many favourite memories with you, but if he were to choose one, it would be the morning after you first spent the night together. He woke to see your angelic face illuminated by the light shining through his bedroom windows. You'd both spent the morning in that bed together, admiring each other and talking.

N = Nickel, do they spoil? do they buy the person they love everything?

It's no secret that Billy is rich, and though he works hard for his money, he has no qualms about spending as much as it takes on you just to see you smile. He’ll spoil you every day, gifting you things you do and don't need because he believes you deserve it all. To him, he wouldn't be a good partner if he couldn't provide for you and spoil you.

O = Orange, what color reminds them of their other half

You remind Billy of the colour white. It's pure, innocent and untainted, just like you. To some the colour may been cold but to him, it's fresh and complete.

P = Petnames, what petnames do they use?

Billy’s preferred pet names for you are ‘love’ and ‘darling’. He uses them most when the two of you are alone and being domestic: “what do you want for dinner, love?” and “darling, stay in bed a little longer.”

Q = Questions, what are the questions they’re always asking?

Billy almost always queries why you're with him. You're so perfect, innocent and bright and he's dark, broken and violent. To him, you're way out of his league, and he could never truly deserve you.

R = Romance, how romantic are they? Cliche or creative?

Billy is a ladies man, and as such, knows how to woo someone. On date nights and especially anniversaries and birthdays, he pulls out all the stops to make the night memorable. To be honest, there's nothing he wouldn't do for you. Billy prefers to express his emotions in a more unique way than the cliche red roses and teddy bears. But if that was the sort of thing you liked, you can be certain he’d do it.

S = Sad, how do they cheer themselves/each other up

If Billy’s in a bad mood, all he needs is you. You can't fix whatever started his mood, but being there helps him clear his head and find a solution. If you're in a bad mood or sad, he knows cuddles and night spent together will help.

T = Talking, what do they love to talk about?

Billy loves to talk about your day - not because it's overly interesting, but because he loves to see you so passionate and happy. He also loves the conversations you have when you both wake and the playful banter after a long day at work.

U = Understanding, how good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Billy knows you well, really well. He’s good at picking up on details and accommodating to them in a relationship. Billy is empathetic with your experiences, however, sometimes not immediately. Sometimes he gets angry at first, vowing to hurt whoever hurt you back. But after he's calmed, he recognises that you need comfort like he has many times before.

V = Value, How important is the relationship to them?

Billy hasn't had many people in his life who love and care for him without strings attached. So, when he finds someone who does, it's important to him. He believes your relationship is one of the best things that ever has and will happen in his life.

W = Why, reasons why they love each other

Billy loves your nature; your forgiving, gentle and peaceful nature. It's a contrast to his and one he adores. He loves how you stop to pet any dog you're allowed to, how your nose scrunches when you yawn and how you look wearing one of his shirts in the morning.

X = Xylophone What’s their song?

Billy loves the song ‘Tiny Dancer’ by Elton John because it reminds him of you. Like in the song, the sight of you dancing and singing is always stuck in his mind.

Y = Yearning, how do they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Billy misses you from the moment you have to leave. At first, he throws himself into his work to attempt to mask your absence. However, as time passes, he grows irritable and on-edge; taking his feelings on others. When you return, the two of you spent some time together to make up for the distance then things go back to normal.

Z = Zeal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

You're one of the only people who genuinely loves Billy for who he is. Because of this, he would do whatever it takes to preserve your relationship. He would kill any enemy that threatened you with ease, ditch all material items for the chance at a life with you, and ensure he's worthy of your love.

[moodstabilizers]

my abuser is sitting in jail right now.

he was arrested on Friday on his 2nd charge of domestic battery. on Saturday, i went to his apartment to stay until his court hearing this morning. an hour after i arrived, the girl he had been living a double life with walked through the door.

that’s when everything unfolded. every lie he had told her, me, and everyone else came crumbling down. we realized how badly he was playing us, manipulating everything and everyone around him. the true side of him was brought to light, and we finally saw just how fucking predatory this man is.

we’ve spent every second of the last 2 days together, side by side every second including walking through the doors to that courtroom. there, we met his ex-girlfriend and mother to his first daughter. this woman has an OP on him, and led to his first charge of domestic battery only a year and a half ago.

no words can describe what i felt as i sat in that courtroom as i looked at the man who took everything from me sitting there looking as weak and hopeless as he made me feel for too fucking long. that feeling of 3 his victims sitting hand in hand as the judge put him back into bars for the time being, knowing that he’s kept there for now but he’s awaiting the punishment he deserves afterwards.

being able to finally stand tall and confident, like i can finally fucking breathe after a year of drowning. hearing the weakness in his voice as he spoke, seeing him off the pedestal he deluded others into seeing. knowing that where he is now is exactly where he should fucking be and that his actions and choices put him there, that it’s absolutely no one’s fault but his fucking own regardless of how many times he told us we were at fault for his life being so shitty. that every bruise, every scar or drop of blood he made to shed, and all emotional trauma he ever caused was what brought him to where he is now. that no one else put him there but himself and his choices.

as of Monday, February 28, 2022 he will remain behind bars for approximately 2 days, depending on his evaluation results. it’s currently unknown how long he could stay there until his evaluation results. due to the concern for the safety of my own and his other victim, we will remain side by side awaiting any information.

i have been letting him stay at my house where he only abused me and used me for everything i had. the other victim, who is now my new best friend, was kicked out of her parents house yesterday (which he actually caused) so i will be removing his belongings and moving her into my spare bedroom. in the meantime, we are staying in his apartment because it’s within the county of his criminal situation (he is being held one county over, but the sheriffs dept. of his residential county is only 3 blocks from his apartment, courthouse only 2 blocks.)

i will post an update within the next few days, awaiting any given information. i am making this post not only to share the emotions and the entire relief i am feeling today, but also as an actual concern for myself and victims involved. that being said, if i do not post any updates in a maximum of 7 days, i would like anyone possible to contact authorities. you can call the sheriffs department in the counties of Cass, Morgan or Schuyler county located in the state of Illinois. phone numbers to each are public on an internet search.

i am hoping and praying to every single person out there in the situation i was in to feel the courage and strength within themselves to stand up and speak out. i can guarantee that you can escape it, that you will feel an indescribable freedom and that there is so much hope for you. to anyone who is being victimized, or has been so in the past, just know that there is a future you deserve.

[beepbeepbobop]

Back again.

I was telling my friend (who isn’t a Baccano! fan, but listens to me ramble) about my take on immortals and Czeslaw, and I don’t know where to put it, so!  It goes here.  As a warning, this is mostly me rambling and probably treads ground that has been talked about a lot in the past, but I hope it’s interesting anyway.

(This and the Infinity Train post is not a sign that I’m going to be more active in the future.  Social media and the prospect of interacting with other people’s posts still make me anxious.  Maybe one day.)

So!  The first thing to keep in mind is that change is a major theme in Baccano!.  No one is incapable of changing, but people have different relationships with it depending on who they are.  Czes can't believe that he has changed seventy years after Isaac & Miria stealing him despite clear evidence that he has.  Meanwhile, Nile actively resists change:  His greatest fear after becoming immortal was that he would become desensitized to the loss of human life and begin to devalue it, so he spent decades fighting in active war zones so that he'd never forget the reality of death.  This backfired, and instead left him inured to loss of life...but it's clear that he doesn't want to be this way?  Realizing that he's gotten to the point where his expression doesn't even change if someone dies is devastating for him.  Chane is the opposite:  While it's absolutely for the best that she stops being a hitwoman and killing machine for her father, softening up is terrifying to her because then she can't serve her father the way she wants to.   Czes is on the opposite end of the spectrum, because he wants to be better because he thinks he's a bad person (later on, he decides that he's the only bad person left in the world.  Sir.), but can't recognize it because he doesn't feel different.

And...this is pertinent to the older immortals in particular - I'd argue even moreso than with the younger ones.  Aside from the fact that the Elixir literally stops you from changing in the sense of age or injury...it also has to place inhibitors on your brain.  Your brain is, after all, a physical part of your body!  There are some....weird aspects about immortality that no one is able to figure out (for example, immortals can give birth; someone also pointed out that there are no examples of crying in reverse even though that's also a part of your body), but it's still safe to say that the brain doesn't age either because then...then a lot of the cast would be catatonic from Alzheimer's.  Even without that, the human body can only retain so many memories.  If an immortal's brain had the ability to deteriorate over time or overload based off of the amount of memories it contains....well, I don't think any of the older immortals would be able to function.  Szilard definitely wouldn't be able to function (and neither would Firo after he devours Szilard) because Szilard has the memories of over a dozen people running around in his brain.  Which brings me to my next point:  If an immortal's brain functioned like a human's, devouring would not work as a concept.  One of the hallmarks of being immortal is gaining other people's memories.  Imagine the strain that would cause.  And yet, it doesn't seem to be a problem!  The chief worry of those who have devoured other immortals is worrying that having the memories of the other person might change you consciously or subconsciously.  This is Firo's concern over devouring Szilard.

So...the fact that the brain doesn't physically grow older or change (with some leniency given because real world science sure is iffy here)...feels relevant because, mn...

Many of the older immortals feel stagnant, or stuck in time.  Firstly, if the immortals changed at the same pace as a human being, I don't think most of them would be recognizable from one era to the other.  And yet, they are!  The Victor Talbot of the 1700s is clearly the same person as the Victor Talbot of the 1930s, albeit with alterations (because what kind of person would stay exactly the same after centuries?).  The answer to that question is Elmer, by the way.  Everyone comments on how he acts just like the Elmer they remember back in the day.  But Elmer is a special case, seeing as he's our local empty shell and probable sociopath (not that he has ASPD!  ASPD, sociopathy and psychopathy all present and function entirely differently from each other, which makes it....strange that they're lumped under the same umbrella - but that's another matter).  Secondly, immortals...Uhm, they all handle grief horribly, and seem to feel stuck in the past?  Maiza, for instance, acts starkly different from his past as a rebellious noble-boy gang member, but he's never forgiven himself for giving Gretto the information that led to his death.  (Gretto being his brother.)  Huey's overarching goal is to bring his dead girlfriend back to life, and he's been working towards this goal for centuries.  Sylvie, who admittedly was not an immortal when Gretto died, held off on drinking the Elixir until she was all grown up, then set out to finding Szilard to take revenge on him for killing the boy she had run away with.  This lasted for, you guessed it, centuries.

This isn't to say that immortals don't change, or even that they don't change drastically.  I mentioned Nile, who became inured to death after fighting in war for decades.  Czes went from a trusting, innocent child to someone paranoid and self-centered enough to try and get an entire train car's worth of people killed for his own safety to someone who wants to be a good person, but thinks he never will be and that there's something fundamentally wrong with him.  But changing appears to be very, very difficult, and happens over an extended period of time in response to extreme situations.

And...this is particularly relevant to Czes (who keeps coming up as an example because he's the main person I'm thinking about with this tangent) because....it arguably hits him harder than any of the others due to being a child.  Only the best decisions were made aboard the Advenna Avis, which includes letting the eight year old drink the immortality elixir.  But...mn.  It's one thing to be perpetually in your thirties, or twenties, or sixties, and another altogether to perpetually be eight years old.  Czes can't truly 'grow up' even though he has more life experience than most adults combined, and it shows in his extreme emotional reactions, his self-centeredness, ect.  There's a certain misconception about anime-only fans that he's an adult in a child's body, but I think it's easier to tell in the light novels that that's not the case, especially since you see what he's like back before the Advenna Avis.  (He is shy.  Very shy.  Did nothing wrong ever.)  Also, the fact that SAMPLE goes, "Yes!  The perfect sacrifice!" when they specifically take a child to target emphasizes this.  It's not proof - I'm pretty sure that SAMPLE would focus on his physical age as an 'eternal child', and may or may not have the resources to analyze him and go, "This boy is still eight years old in his head," - , but it hammers the point home.

Then...mn.  One thing that's stuck out to me ever since the start is how long Czes was with Fermet.  There's such a thing as learned helplessness, and it's not like Czes had anywhere to go, so that's not what is odd to me...especially when Fermet is known for manipulating people, and could definitely seed the idea that Czes can't go anywhere.  More than physical proximity, I think about how long Czes believed in Fermet.  It's explicitly stated that Czes absorbing Fermet's memories is what made him realize that - oh, Fermet was just sadistic and everything he said was an excuse.  And...I think this is both an example of being controlled in many respects, and....another example of an immortal being stuck in the past - but in a very, very different way.

First off, learning that the people you look up to want to harm you is...difficult at best, especially when you're younger?  But being mentally 'stuck' at a certain age would make things worse, because Czes is perpetually an age where it's natural to depend on a parental figure, and at an age where the brain isn't equipped to make those kinds of calls or realizations.  There's also the matter of cognitive dissonance!  Cognitive dissonance means a lot of things, but essentially, it's the idea that you have two conflicting beliefs, but the actions you take can retroactively alter your beliefs/place emphasis on one more than the other, as the mind is predisposed to reduce dissonance.  I...take issue with how cognitive dissonance is interpreted because many examples don't account for the beliefs or opinions not being equal in the first place, but that's not the point.  The point is that, as a child, the impulse to reduce dissonance is present while also being played against difficulty reading intentions, perceiving the world outside of yourself, and thinking critically.  (For what it's worth, abusers also tend to discourage critical thinking because it damages their narrative, which would also play a part.)   So, for example...

Say that, theoretically, Czes was yelled at every time he questions the idea that Fermet's intentions are right, or that maybe Fermet doesn't have his best interests in mind.  (Czes is insightful, and they lived with each other for a long time, so this probably happened at least once unless the text directly contradicts me.)  This is tame compared to the things we know about his time with Fermet, but ignore that.  The desire to not be yelled at would lead him to hurriedly agree later on, and cognitive dissonance means that you're inclined to try to make your beliefs agree with your actions.  In other words, the more he plays along, the more his brain tells him that he definitely believes this, and it makes perfect sense to!  Fermet has shown that he cares about him, and took him in after his grandfather died, so of course.  It only makes sense.  And it's even harder for him to bridge the gap to a different conclusion because of how difficult it seems to be for immortals to change.  It's only when Czes devours Fermet (or...or at least gets his memories) that everything snaps into place, because he can't reconcile that no matter how hard he tries (coincidentally, this also happens when he gets memories of being an adult, and while I seriously doubt that Czes went through Fermet's memories willingly, it kind of hammers my point about how difficult being eternally young would make things).  So of course he snaps as hard as he does.  It'd be kind of amazing if he didn't, honestly.

TLDR:  Being immortal made it even harder for him to recognize or comprehend his trauma.  Sorry for that.