#I Do Not Control The Brain

[thunderheadfred]

I am super annoyed with ADHD hyper-focus brain right now. It won't stop obsessing over this house listing. First off, we haven't even seen the inside (we will tomorrow!!) so a lot of this is just my curiosity running away with me. I'm desperate to know the story behind this house, what could possibly be so bad there are no pictures of the inside... I'm a horrible little troll and the weirder the history of the house, the older it is, the more damage it's had and the more it "needs" saving, the more inclined I am to utterly throw logic and reason aside and scream like a toddler, "I want that one!!"

Found out via Facebook that several of my hometown school friends have connections to this house in one way or another, which has my curiosity even MORE hyperactive and unmanageable. One friend in particular has apparently known several of the owners and been inside the house, (She reports a spiral staircase!!??? I'll confirm with her that it's the same house once I've been in it) and she might have some insight into the troubles the current owner is going through that have led to the decline of the property.

I never trust my own excitement about things, because my hyper-focus tends towards the toxic and maladaptive side most of the time. I feel like I keep getting signs about this location, little pokes and prods that this one is special and unique, don't let it go!! But I'm skeptical of those feelings too. I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN INSIDE, and even without going in I know it needs massive renovations. This perversely excites me??? The idea of making a house our own, doing all the eco-friendly renovations we can scheme up... I need to check myself. I'm going to have a baby in July??? I can't do drywall while heavily pregnant or while boob-feeding a newborn???? I could hate the layout tomorrow and all this stress would have been for nothing!!!!! What am I doing?? I haven't slept in two days.

I hate ADHD hyper-focus, did I mention that?

[lokislittlesigyn]

dungeons & dragons & diners & dive-ins & dives. is this anything

[zillychu]

everyone sh. shutd up im cooking smthn

[spenjelly]

Random internet stuff that refuses to leave my brain (mostly memes):

-“it’s the one thing you can’t replace” photo thief

-free real estate meme guy with 8 eyes being a spider saying his thing

-the LOTR meme that people always hooked up to the wrong part of the scene (one does not simply, but they put the img where he says “the great eye”)

-cut my life into pieces, this is my chocolate baagakdhsgakhdhs

-the milk video, soup video, and “my berries”

-the theme that plays in Alphys’ lab

-the plane full of arrows that flew over that island

-sad cotton candy raccoon

-I love you Mr bubz

-starving child who desires chicken nugger, sweer potato, and French fried menu story

-hello darkness my old friend Elmo

What random stuff has cursed y’all with its unending presence?

[smalliinsaneone]

This one is a fucking callout for me personally.

Autistics and Task Switching ♾️

hello here’s a really good resource explaining task switching for autistic ppl and how hard/painful it can be !!

my partner was having a hard time understanding why i get so upset when we’re hanging out (but doing different things) and he interrupts what i’m doing to show me something on his phone. i was having a hard time explaining my emotions/feelings to him until i came upon this article!

[inkskinned]

you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.

but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.

i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.

so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.

you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."

i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"

"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.

i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.

and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.

you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."

"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."

you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.

i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"

"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."

"do i die?"

you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."

"oh."

"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."

i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.

i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.

"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."

i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.

you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."

"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.

you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."

"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.

i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."

you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."

"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."

"you could always die, to be fair."

i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"

"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."

i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."

"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."

i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"

"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."

i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push my heel into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"

i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.

"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."

you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.

you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.

i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.

[keferon]

Did you think I was done? Ahahahaha no, I have more.

Because chapter 70 of MOMU gave me the very dynamic between them that I missed so much, I just blacked out and started drawing uncontrollably lmao

Also. ALSO. I noticed a while ago that Prowl has the habit of..like…constantly frowning. So. I did a bit of research and made this graph.

In 70 chapters, Prowl frowns rougly 104 times. And the intensity of this gesture is very clearly correlated with the development of his relationship with Jazz, as you can see ahahahahah It might be wrong tho don’t take me seriously I’m not good with graphs

[possession1981-moving]

THE FIRST OMEN dir. Arkasha Stevenson, 2024

[apas-95]

the view that sexual predation is based on 'brain development' rather than life experience and social power is, like the common view that incest is bad because of 'inbreeding' rather than the control granted by the family structure, one where the issues of social power imbalance are replaced by an unhelpful bioessentialism - one that both makes permissions for these abuses (whether it's in the cases of non-blood relatives, or of an 18 year old being exploited by a 50 year old), and targets non-abusive relationships (if the reason for incest's immorality is that it might produce a disabled child, how does that logic continue towards people with inherited illnesses?). working within this essentialist logic, it's impossible to rectify these issues - neither extending the supposed 'undeveloped brain' to greater ages, nor simply deciding that there exists no real power a middle-aged man has over a new graduate, can fix the errors generated.

[strawberri-draws]

shuichi posting

[truly-sincerely]

Obsessively reading everything in game by and about Gortash and the dude is

On a philosophical trajectory that ends in immortality thru technology / the machine

Doesn't have an original bone in his body, but he can backwards engineer anything

Halfway to being a decent scientist but doesn't have the education and is deeply impatient

Overconfident in the veracity of his own results and conclusions

Accurately predicted that the brain would metamorphose and become more difficult to control and then did nothing about it

Outsources his propaganda / arts and humanities

Charming, but he got there in a Pavlovian way (learned from trial and error and probably doesn't consciously know how he does it)

Vindictive af (learned / reinforced)

Darwinian (in the worst way)

Sociopathic, obviously, but extremely Rationalist about it

Never asks questions he doesn't know the answer to and probably thinks this makes him sound more authoritative

Completely incompetent as a strategist (but doesn't know it)

Not nearly as narcissistic / full of himself as he pretends to be

Thinks what he wants is praise but it's never enough because it's not actually what he wants (he wants to be wanted)

Bane makes him feel wanted (conditionally)

Durge made him feel wanted (unconditionally)

Understands intellectually that Durge got ambushed, but he feels abandoned

See also: thematic parallels between Gortash and

Silouv Yali (the Adamantine Forge & the construct Grym)

Oliver (in the shadow-cursed lands)

Astarion and Gale, obviously

[purgetrooperfox]

tired: fox has never done anything wrong in his life he was under control of the chip he didn't mean to kill fives he would never do that

wired: fox was being deliberately, continuously manipulated by palpatine into doing anything he wanted under threat of severe bodily harm, no chip necessary

inspired: fox is a product of brainwashing and genuinely believes in the senate and the republic, which is in constant conflict with the rhetoric he hears from politicians and his general dislike of senators, but that conflict is ultimately irrelevant. he believes in the institution with his entire self. he was born to die for this system and would lose his shit if he started questioning it in any meaningful way. The Institution told him to kill fives so he killed fives, it told him to hunt down ahsoka so he did it, etc etc. conviction that this is all worth it because the republic Can Only Be Right (or else his entire existence and everything the guard puts up with are meaningless) is what gets his ass out of bed in the morning. he'll do terrible things to protect it, and by extension his sense of self, and he won't apologize for it because it's categorically Right in his brain. none of this changes the fact that he's routinely abused by this system, or the fact that he's enslaved by it, or that he has no real choice in anything, only how he personally reconciles it all

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[lonelyslutavatar]

guys don't sell me ships and advertise them as generic tropes because I will just automatically despise them

[yorufi]

bingles. friend-shaped

[beaft]

wish it was more socially acceptable to just... stop talking. not forever, just for a while. sorry. no more words today. all used up. don't bother asking me questions because all i will do is stare at you

[disguisedcheezed]

in the name of the father.

and of the son.

and of the holy spirit.

amen.