#I DONT FUCKING UDNERSTAND ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thebigqueer]

wait this is so sickening im exactly like the person i didnt want to be the same person they said i wasnt

[aroacesigma]

i cant fucking stand her oh my GOD

[nomaishuttle]

I'm gonna be so open and honest with you guys right now i fucking rly dont want to go to work tomorrow .

[ouroboobos]

i need a new fucking job lmfao. ITEMIZED LIST OF GRIEVANCES AS OF RIGHT NOW

its customer service

i make less as a manager than the starting wage at mcdonalds

theres at least two grown men with sexual harrassment complaints against them because they cant stop hitting on teenage girls

the two guys got in zero trouble and continue to be treated like perfect hardware store angels

one of them gave me a rose on valentines day and kept trying to give me rides

theres a completely seperate third man in his 60s who continually makes comments about my body and touches me and tried to give me a massage in the break room one time

everyone loves him and hes been working here for like 8 years so even if it got bad enough to report him theres no way my boss would give a shit and no one would ever believe me and im worried abt retaliation

i havent told him to fuck off because im scaredcore so idk if he even knows hes making me uncomfortable

i get routinely sexually harrassed by customers and when i asked my boss abt how to handle it he basically said other girls have quit over it and "the real problem is when they dont call a manager up" so he definitely does not udnerstand what its actually like to deal with that and that its usually too subtle to do anything abt it

since i got promoted i almost never get my 10 minute breaks which maybe doesnt seem like a big deal but it is wearing me the fuck out

im surrounded by proud vocal conservatives

EXCEPT for my boss who is one of those people who doesnt think hes a bigot (hes very proud of being one of the chill open-minded Christians) but definitely is

also i couldnt make this up even if i wanted to, but hes 36 years old and a cpuple days ago he made me stand there and listen to him rant about hes not homophobic but why did they make Good Omens gay not everything has to be gay 😡😡😡 hes 36. hes fucking 36

we're almost always understaffed and they dont want to pay anyone so they dont start hiring more people until we're already in our busiest season and then we have to train a bunch of 15 year olds between dealing with 36 billion kajillion fucking customers

truly abysmal fucking communication. i didnt even know i was getting promoted to management until i was in the middle of supervisor training (which they never bothered to finish so i got like... tiny disjointed snippets of training over a period of a few weeks and then i was a manager)

i was functionally head cashier for months and they never gave me the title or the raise because i was "being trained for the position" when actually they allotted less than a day of training from the FORMER head cashier on her last day even though they knew she was retiring for months and then i just figured it out by myself and was already doing all of it

im finally going back to school and next semester when im better settled i want to transition to full time classes, so i met with my boss to give him a heads up and told him i wanted to start training a couple people on some of my basic responsibilities in case i have to cut down my hours, and he basically brushed me off and said we can talk about it in a few months.

and then he talked about his time in college for like twenty minutes and said i shouldnt overwhelm myself by working full time and going to school full time, which made it seem like he was on the same page

but then he kind of was like "well its good you want to get an education but if you go part time in the spring that kind of screws us over" so im not really sure what the fuck is happening in his brain but it almost sounds like he expects me to stay part time in school and keep working full time and doesnt want to prepare for anything else

also he didnt tell me i inherited the key department in addition to the front end until i was like hey whos ordering keys now? and he was like ummmm you? 🤨 ok thanks for the heads up man

its one of those places that looks pretty nice but theres like 20 things breaking throughout the store that theyre too cheap to fix

^recent example: the receipt printers arent working for duplicates (which we need for returns, special orders, etc) so now you to walk across the room to the actual printer and they dont want to fix it because "the printer paper is cheaper than the receipt paper". im not even that irritated about having to use the big printer but that is so fucking cheap for such a massive successful company that now im genuinely pissed off about it.

my boss is one of those guys who seems super nice and friendly and great at first, and pretty much everyone thinks he is, but the more time you spend with him the more you're like. hey buddy is something a little bit fucking wrong with you? and every day i resent him just a tiny bit more

they want us to follow homeless people around the store like fucking spies until we find an excuse to kick them out

theres a guy that comes in every now and again and harrasses female cashiers, walks around casually dropping hate speech, and once literally told one of our teenage boys about his rape fantasy and they wont do anything about him because he's rich and he spends a lot of money

we all have like 4 jobs with barely the pay of 1

i hates it

[dylanobrienisbatman]

...

[eldritch-araneae]

Im having strong feeling about talking one thing I never seen ppl talking. About how suicidal people ( or at least me) feel. I just want people to udnerstand.

Because I see how ppl treat us ( calling us ungrateful or cowards)  and media trying to make it super dramatic with some false positivity moves ( stuff like "you stronger than you think) and honestly the only piece of media that made me feel like someone understands is Omori.

Because in this game this feeling gets portrait through monsters, thought SOMETHING that you cannot describe but it weights on you immensely, paralysing you, completely draining all you strength away. That why "you're stronger than you think" DOESN'T WORK!

And when I get like this anything stops matter to me. Its just nothing but the void that tells me my life is nothing but suffering. And if tell me thet care about me, that they love me and being all sincere...it stops mattering to me, I dont feel any relief, its just words. Talking doesnt help.

And same with distractions, its super rare when a video game can pull me out of this bc this feeling swallows all. Same with food, same with literally anything else. And looking forward for thing also doesn't work. Why? Because its happening right now, this very moment.

Because past in the past, its just a memory which is also fucked up and I don't remember much of the past. And future is completely unknown. Like you may look forward for good things, but boom! Your sister suddenly dies and you have to raise her child.

As you can see, literally nothing of what ppl suggest works for me. It doesn't makes me feel better, not even a slight release. So in order to get through this, I have to sit with it and WAIT for it to pass. Its painful, its agonising and horrible.

And before anyone tell me to seek help - there is no real mental help in my country, not to mention I absolutely cannot mention what I told you know the doctor bc I risk being locked away in phychiatric institution. 

 I have no protection.

So yeah, I hope you can understand us and stop calling us names. We're fighting an insanely hard fight with own heads and don't blame us if we lose. Blame the system, blame bigorty of all kinds, blame people who pushed us to this. 

 That's all.

[magical-agatha]

normalise girls having dicks and balls. and not in like. a horny way. chasers fuck off and die. i cant say smart shit today but fuck cis ppl who treat trans women like we’re inherently sexual or a fetish or somehow aggressive or predatory for having penises. its literally just genitalia. everyone has a fuck organ of some description. fuck off with attaching connotations or social implications or anything inherent to fuck organs. im not aggressive bc i have a penis. im not masculine or predatory or any of that bullshit.

also like at the same time let me be like?? a person who experiences sexual arousal without having to be like. terrified of being seen as predatory. doubly bc im a lesbian and i have a penis. i am soft and tender and so is my dick. fuck you. im rly sick of trying to make my language like. parseable and udnerstandable and worrying about being misinterpreted. i like my dick and i feel like im not supposed to. like theres this pressure to hate it. and i dont listen bc im lucky bc i dont have dysphoria about my dick. in fact i barely have any dysphoria anymore. not even about fuckin, facial hair, or my hips, or my voice. i love my body and it took years of hard work and love to get here but i feel like this should be the norm. learning to love yourself. bc not all dysphoria is like, inherent. a lot of it is learned bc of social bullshit. and i unlearned that stuff. i still needed hrt, and everyone is different so like. this isnt me being anti surgery. different ppl need different things. i dont need surgery but i did need hrt. but i feel like theres a pressure to rush asap to surgery. rather than like. taking some time to figure out what you actually need. is a particular dysphoria learned, can it be unlearned, or does it need medical help.

but i feel like. until society changes thats not gonna be possible or safe for a lot of ppl. and thus it cant be normalised yet. yet. once society adopts a more nuanced understanding of gender and gender presentation everything will get better.

[jazzypizzaz]

liiveblogging my every reaction to The Man Who Would be King cuz hey TGIF

“the way whatver’s going on with Cas has been alluded to in passing all season and now we get The STory ??? fuck, I take it back about dumb AUs, this is the best type of episode

one minute in and this is the MOST epic way to start any story

“I remember that fish” ok lmao

WHO IS HE TELLING THES TORY TO I NEED TO KNWO WHO

“cas you’ll call right... if you get into real trouble...” HELP pointed looks... dean worries. he does care cas he doesn’t Get It but he cares!!

DEAN CHANGED HIM HE OWES EVERYTHING IMPORTANT TO DEAN

the fact that cas raised dean from hell and that had such a Profound (positive) Impact on both him and the world, that he’s immediately all cocky like sure I’ll pull Sam out of hell next, no problemo... not the same buddy

Dean defending Cas and feeling bad about keeping their crowley hunt secret :-( he’s loyal to him

“he could make a mistake, he ‘s the Balki Bartokomous of angels” quick wiki of this and “ However, Larry soon realizes that for all of Balki's naivety and cultural malapropisms, he otherwise is a very intelligent and courageous man of many talents who often saves the day himself. “ awwww

“you think cas is in with CROWLEy?!” i meeeeean literaly everyone seems to be in with crowley at some point so like. stones and glass houses and whatever. every episode is you making a deal with evil people or whatnot it just happens

sam like “we’re all friends, i’d die for him i would, but” okay yeah sure it’s not the same tho!!!

CAS IS WATCHING THIS CONVO OMG I HAD TO PAUSE AND REWIND

i don’t udnerstand when demons eyes turn black instead of human-passing. only when the tv audience needs confirmation?

“i favor the eternal tuesday afternoon of an autistic man who drowned in a bathtub in 1953″ wow dang that’s like a whole sentence that cas said wasn’t it huh

ah SO MANY classic lines in this one A+++

is there literally anything going on in any of these angels’ heads. like. raphael wants to be in Power, ok sure, but Why. is there any reason whatsover. what does anyone want like actually

DEAN’S LOYALTY!!! ;_; ;_; ;_;

“cas is busy” “that’s okay we are too” jklfsdjlk classic ‘i texted my crush and they left me on read and now im pretending like I have an active life and im not just waiting by the phone for them to respond’

[this isn’t a good idea but] “on the other hand, they were my friends” this summarizes cas’ whole thing doesn’t it. everything :(

“i went to an old friend for help” uuhh you’re a million years old and you’ve only konwn him for like two?? does that count as an old friend. i mean. it sounds like he’s the ONLY friend you’ve ever had so :( it’s older than any other friendship of his :( :( :(

he doesn’t want to ask dean for anything more :-(

NONCONSESENtUAL LEAF RAKING

i’ve been wondering what humans have to do with anything wrt to Heaven cuz like. no one seems to care about humans, so why are tehy even there. what’s the point of it all. and this seems to say -- as batteries??? Souls are powerful and hte more souls you’ve got, the more power

what is the point of power if you dont’ want to do anything with it

(this isn’t about you Cas you’re doing beautiful sweetie, you want power for freedom, which is sexy, at least right now)

“TWO teen beat models” and Cas “No not Dean” jlkdfskjl sam’s fine then sure i See You buddy

the way Cas is always turning, looking away when he’s got something to say. his eyes. he’s very good at Looking Intentionally.

“you gotta look at me man” THEY SHARE A PRFOUND  BOND OKAY profound. i’ts profound.

“raphael will turn the world into a graveyard” BUT LIKE. WHYYY why would he do that. i dont’ remember or care but why.

FUCK LEAVES FLASHBACK WHERE WERE YOU HE WAS WATCHING THE RAKING shit

“i’m doing this for you dean” OK WHAT THE FUCK he just says that outloud

he called him Family :( :( :( oh buddy we’re in it now

dean is Against cas’s whatever cuz of Reasons that cas should subscribe to just cuz ?? demons bad blah blah blah trust blah blah idk BUT WHY THO

i guess my problem is i want demons to just be Funky Little Dudes causing problems for fun I guess. not ~~pure evil~~

Oohh hes talking to God, of course of course

sad cas is sad but also sad cas Good TV lkjdfs

[pastaprivacy]

i think inside of me is an angry little boy who wants to be loved.. yet i cant accept love. and i cant love myself now.. and now i am a man. and i have no choice to become one. i am balding. i cannot play around with any games anymore. i must deny myself off all hedonism.

i am a total cocksucker. i am similar to mr smithers... second in change,sucking the cock of his boss. except i wouldnt to fuck mr burns. anyways i am on my fourth internet fling thing this year... i just want some boy who i am attracted to to say.. youre very cute. you are one of a kind. you are intelligent. instead i tell this to guys in hopes they will say it back to me..

i dont want a boyfriend.. japan and career so much more important.. i just want to feel attractive, loved, smart.. and i dont really go out of my way to prove it. im not a try hard. im just honest, maybe a bit crazy.. UMmm think bob dole??

i went to dc recently and met with my internet bff and i was talking about bob dole adn shes wait... Bob dole died this weekend??? LOL.... and  i thought bob dole was this REALLY fat guy but TODAY I DISCOVERED HES NOT FAT AT ALL... i didnt think about while i was there but i want to try to get a non-teaching job in dc..

teaching is great though.. thats one of the things that makes me the happiest.. the kids... more than i expected. i love being mr.hill.. i have a financial planner now. hes great, he cried to me about his divorce.. im not doing stocks really but i sold yandex.. the Ukraine crap made me want to back out of it.

the ball isnt really in russias court i think... why let ukraine fail.. and i dont think china and russia is the best match made in heaven..

canada and the us.. we have been bound together and we will continue to be so... Duh... thats why the border its no big deal. Even mexico to an extent..But russia and china?

the russian economy is extremely sad.. and russia exports raw minerals and hasnt invented anything new.. theres nothing russia brings new to the table. china will always have the upper hand in the relationship.. maybe russia will have the military expertise.. but china has the economy. sorry to say it.

i dont believe russia has many cards.. maybe military but i believe all the soviet satellites have some desire to leave its orbit.. you wanna know why those states, NOT just ukraine but why the baltic states want to be in the EU. its economy.

ukraine is a special case. but for all these ex-soviet states its really all about economy.. how can we keep our people in our borders, etc... so when russia has very little to bring to the table as say greater europe.. it explodes in its face.. 

however the failure of the development of russian economy really lies in the hands of several people.. not just putin. the us government failed especially during the yeltsin years.. but putin has been harsher on the obligarchs that the us and yeltsin created.. still i dont think putin is the sole leader of russia.

leaders matter but not as much as you think.. putin isnt just one person but in fact just like any leader constrained by hundreds of different factors in his orbit. blah blah blah... anyways if you read this post all the way.. my ex boyfriend would hear me say this crap in bed and i think he thought i was stupid.. he started reading the wall street journal and new york times. i dont know if he did that because of me... i dont know... i kind of miss having him as friend.. all my friends hated him but also some of those friends werent really good for me anyways.. but he was also alienated me for a lot of them.. but... at the same time.. i wanted something like that for a longtime..

i just want a confidant... and not to feel lonely. yet i udnerstand how annoying it is to want to be aloen when you cannot... anyways.. this whole post just cameout of a desire to have the guy i was flirting with on discord for almost a month now to just say something cute about me.. whatever.. i bet i am not the only one hes playing that game with... i always like the fucking chase.. i am no different that some guy with girls.. but its with gay men..

i walk in the anthropology twice.. theres this cute cub cashier straight edge looking too nerdy.. i try to flirt with him by buying something and he just ignores me. i know hes gay too.. do you know how horrible that feels.. but i keep doing it because i doint care.. ia sked out a guy he turned out to be straight but he was totally gay acting.. anyways... i still ask out guys to the point where the say stuff like LEAVE ME ALONE CREEP.. but guys dont really ask me out.. well someitmes they do ACTUALLY theydo but i dont pick up one it.. either i way i feel very ugly.. i just want to feel loved.. or attracted.. and i want to feel smart..

thats why i hangout with that older guy with the chapo trap house crap andlisten to him spew that out. at least he doesnt have a idiot discord server where they get... annoyed when you troll. i am a total troll i cant stop it.. if there is anywhere i can troll i will i do it. i am schmuck... but i am also an average joe.

having sex with strangers is the closest thing i have to weed. and its also much cheaper and more exciting too. thats what i do instead of smoking weed. i dont have sex with strangers that much. but i am due. i feel the breaking point. anyawys if you read this all you areawesome.. I am sure no one read this.. Do you think I am crazy.. Well. i am nto crazy. i am totally cool.. I am just different. id ont know whats wrong with me.. i dont know why i am like this.. but i am not a lsoer.. in fact.. i think i am cooler.. i am just a loner.

[amma-af]

mid-life crisis fast approaching lmao.

bruh moesha made 30 seem hella old. im freaking 29, im definitely not old.

do all 30 year olds feel this? is this fucking cliche? is this what being a millenial feels like?

freaking. andell seems like she should be at least 45 shes had a business forever, she looks oldish, hella independent with ehr own moneey, yeah she keeps getting played by her lover but the d is probably great and she doesn’t need “love” bc she’s not dependent on it for basic necessities. but she needs love so she has hope. she’s woke but understanding when someone who doesn’t understand yet. she supports the kids but says it like it is. i can def see some bits of myself in her but bruh, at least 35? bc im 29 and 1 im not as independent, and 2, im def not as old.

but i also kind of get how shes a 30 year old but do 30 year olds get the respect of older people? does andell get respect from older people? idk man tv makes teens look like 20-something and 30 eyar olds look like my mom. dee hangs with andell, she’s def not 30. but then again we hang with older people, no?

are 30 year olds friends-ish with teens and like older folks all at once a millenial thing? i mean i def have older friends bc of work, and hang with my siblings who are a generation older and as a teacher i talk to kids who are teens but i wouldn’t be friends with them? unless you consider my nieces and nephews, and some much younger coworkers.

but if im “superior” to them in some way im basically a mentor and ugh. maybe andell is 30.

that same moesha episode has gotten me thinking about highschool. and what a fucking shitfest it was. i mean, why the hell was i so pressed instead of just being a fucking kid? like, i def ended up where i wanted to and realized it sucked even more (college), esp the way i did it initially, but once i got over the fucking ivory tower and american dream bc i reallized it was never made to include me to a certain extent (the whole identity crisis over foreclosure of identity from the every day--being unwanted by the same thing interpellating its allegiance to you, how all that crap felt of being a --insert almost every pressed identity grouping here-- at a fucking --insert ever agrandized fucking included, repressive identity force here--insitution. high school wasn’t bougie enough i think. like everyone was like closer to the ground class wise so maybe it didnt feel like a big enough ocean yet. a friend told me post highschool or maybe at graduation that im going to be the big fish in the little pond trying to swim in the ocean or some quote like that. fucking i was, if not socially which i honestly didnt even try and fucking got ostracized from anyway, def on top academically and fucking TEACHERS were trying to push me down but like i still got to exactly where i wanted to go. and i fucking had a wonderful time there. got kicked out but became a whole ass human being who found so many homes with people and so many loving arms and caring friends and fucking insane moments and memories and fucking became who i am today--a fucking cool as andell like adult with a full and complete social life if not financial or career life like im ok dude. ive accomplished enough even if capitalist might make me feel like i havent accomplished anything. much like the racist ass teachers made me feel and the racist ass kids made me feel about being smart in a fucking shitfest and where the other brown kids were just in competition with me. i had no friends. i lie, i had a few. and i had the respect of a few. and i guess that makes like maybe a dozen people--hold on let me count, i think 9 people, that im cool with from high school, 3 who are close to me, 1 who fucking hates me post-college life and would try to talk shit or ruin me maybe but i miss her and we were fucking close at some point. and then a bunch of people who probably dont give a shit no longer bc we’re all adults who need to move on with our lives. i hope theyre not petty and hate me just bc of high school.

i wonder if any respect me now lol. aside from those i know, do any of them like feel bad kind of for not being a better person to me? maybe i was a bitch too though. but thats only bc i was lowkey power hungry and just wanted to get into fucking the college of my dreams and had been fed that academic success led to fianncial success and overall joy de vivre  or however oyu fucking spell it.

id still be down to be friends with whoever wants but dont have the time or energy to deal with the pettiness. i think this year was supposed to be our 10 yr reunion and idk if theyll do it bc of covid or not but fucking would i even wanna go? im still so traumatized from it idk if id wanna be judged that hard again.

fucking, i wish i was chiller back then. had realized i could be creative and look good and be more confident if i wanted to. but i guess i wouldnt be who i am had that shit not happened but i also suffer from extreme anxiety adn depression now so like maybe, people could ease up on the judgement and hatred and constant barriers and shit talking and like, lowkey bullying down a notch. these white and white washed brown kids had me fucked up.

i wish i had just like, been able to chill and be accepted a little more. but i wish the people who were chill with me couldve been more  comfortable or confident in being who they were. 

i remember ending freshman year, confident that i would have friends at the end of high school sitting between the coolest and queerest two people i could imagine showing off my hot pink ipod 3G or whatever. and then hanging out in the city with a few people on the last day. i dont even remember what we did. maybe olive garden in times square? it was def times square. the big toys r us in the city with the dance dance revolution. who the fuck were the people with us? was that even freshman year or is that a memory from some other time? i dotn fucking remember much of the good times in high school anymore. more shitty times.

but fucking, if people had been loyal would i have been a diff person? def s j and j and then later n but w during the first year and d all hugn out with me in college. and made freshman year bareable and some sitll continue to make life bareable and for me to feel loved in this day adn age adn i know the freindshipsare genuine now but i wonder if id have more people from high school as my friends just bc i fucking get attached to people bc of the whole empathy thing and like we knew eachother for good chunks of our lives, we should keep up with eachother and make sure we’re ok. but also like, did we even show care back then?

i wish id lived the teen life a little more though. like my husband did. like so many of my more normal than me feeling friends did but i wonder how many of my college friends actually liked their high school years lmao.

fucking. whatever. i probably wouldnt go to the reunion if it happened tho, fucking miss me with that shit.

andell is cool. she didnt get mad at moesha for missing her party since hs ehad a great time on her birthday thanks to her, and instead was proud that she put out a good newspaper. im def like, maybe if aliha missed my party id be happy and proud of her for her acocmplioshed but id still be pouty adn idk if that makes me much younger tahn andell or if thats just the whiny cancer gemini in me.

omg we need andells chart to udnerstand if she’s actually 30 lmao and just mature for her own age or if that show is trippig about depicting her as 30 bc shes def oldr. wonder how old the actress was.

thats an easy google fix but im just gonna keep watching and pondering lmao.

man there were some teachers at that fucking school who did not wanna see me succeed in life. and to have your advisor be that teacher really fucks with you. what a fucking bitch i think she hated me. the other people im friends with loved her tho but i think she was really just a racist. she pushed me hard but made things harder for me for no reason. thank god i got out of there in one piece, and with some confidence left in me. 

i need to go to therapy again fuck. 

[absolutelybifurious]

yall im almost done iwth persona 5 and i just want t omake a fucking THREAD about all the reasons ryuji sakamoto is the most underrated amazing character in the entire world

-within 30 seconds of meeting protag he risks his life for him -he desperately wants to go back to the metaverse to help a bunch of ppl that weren’t real -he wanted to go back despite having no means of fighting -yet REFUSED to let ann come bc it was too dangerous -brings a ridiculous model gun in some adorable attempt to be helpful and in an incredibly plot twist  ends up being helpful -when he realizes its helpful he offers to take joker to the shop just bch es that fucking nice -literally tells you to be careful not to fall when you’re jumping on things -decides yall are friends and asks joker not to ignore him bc hes so used tob eing treatedl ike shit despite having already RISKED HIS LIFE FOR JOKER -does everything in his power to help ann once she gets captured in the metaverse -trips while running for his lilfe and still his first instinct is to reassure ann and protag that everything is fine -bears all the responsibility of letting the track team down despite being a teenager who REACTED TO ABUSE -never expects or receives an apology about what happened to his leg -is the only person other than the protag who doesnt get his misfit label removed and he NEVER complains about it -loves his mother so much and will do anything for her -has a super relatable temper that flares up but generally is followed by a sincere apology -tells ann that he doesnt want to go on a date with her as a “reward” for helping her,,,YALL -when he was in middle school he spent his subway fare money on a fucking souvenir for his MOTHER so ann had to spot him the way back -never gets even remotely jealous about protag being the leader -says things like WHATDYA THING when he learns a new combat move,,, -is the only person who doesn’t accuse makoto of being useless and reckless and therefore making her guilt worse -in fact steers the group away from blaming her at all by convincing them to move on -he says sorry in a slightly broken voice when he gets healing in combat  -also says ha LOSER when he dodges an attack in combat -apologizes carefully and profusely to futaba when he can’t understand her while she’s mumbling in a closet  -actually handles that terrifying mask she wears pretty well all things considered -never gets resentful when people accuse him of having no charm -getse really irritated when a guy from the tv station starts blatantly hitting on ann and not out of jelaousy’s sake -his first response to what kind of girl you like is “a nice one” -he wants so bad to room with the protag in hawaii -literally everything in hawaii excites him and he is adorable the ENTIRE TIME they’re en route -he kicks at the ground when people compliment him which is like never -he gets the shit kicked out of him during his confidant while the protag does jackshit and he doesnt even seem to hold it against him because he :) thinks :) deserves :) it :) -when he tells yusuke about his past, he leaveso ut ev erything bad that happened to him alnd only included how awful he was and no one corrects him and hes?? fine with it???  -he censors himself by saying effing and not fucking -he tries so hard to contain his temper like in the bat h scene when hes like itll be fine ^___^ and then he just FLIPS and loses it and has to leave, like same buddy -the little side hug he gives joker when he comes back from the Big Plot Twist -don’t even talk to me about the whole ship scene -he gives joker a damn gift after they spend time at the culture festival bc he got him out of looking dumb -HE GETS STAGE FRIGHT -he tells futaba how amazing she is like every time she does anything -in fact hes constantly complimenting everyone, even morgana when he does something to help the team and yet NO ONE RETURNS THE FAVOR -when futaba first joins the group and yulsuke upsets her and shes just sending emojis ryuji is the one who gets it and says yusuke needs to apologize  -the quote “has medjed been taken care of? or more important, is futaba okay?”  -hes honestly so gentle about all the other characters and like... trying to take care of them it hurts me -he calls joker c ute when he gets excited????  -he also offers to protect joker on a roller coaster when he thinks hes scared to go by himself -he says hes gonna be so fast that joker won’t even be able to see him and then gets distressed bc would he be showing joker anything then? -he tells joker theres a place for him too, right next to him, and then even adds, or maybe ahead? because thats how much he respects joker and doesent love himself :))) -he calls himself an idiot when everyone got tricked and then calls you to apologize for getting upset and THEN says he needs to apologize for futaba and haru bc he KNOWS they would react to it -i’m not even there yet and i can’t imagine what im going to,,, think -yall theres so much extra stuff i cant deal with it -im gonna make this longer eventually bc i love ryuji sakamoto more than life itself YALL DONT UDNERSTAND -you -don’t -under -STAND

everyone else (especially ak*chi) can choke ryuji is literally the best friend and the best,,, everything HES THE BEST YOU CAN’T YOU DONT UDNERSTAND MY FELEINGS

[just-a-mod]

i know marriage is just a construct and doesnt work for every one and not every ones goals are marriage in their life and not every relationship needs it

but that said

man what if Tyler and Lester got married??

lol who would be the one to pop the question i wonder. Tyler is much like his siblings, in thinking marriage is a very human thing and isn’t really how dragons go about stuff. but like..with that said, i feel Tyler would probably be the one to bark up that tree

because i dont see Lester being confident enough or comfortable enough to give that thought, not more than just like thinking.i think Tyler would do it in a very tyler way wher eit’s like

just sitting on the couch, Lester is in the kitchen doing something, drinking coffee probably and he’s just like ‘hey so, ever thought about marriage??..with like, me?’

because that’s Tyler

and man, if lester was interested, that’d boy go try to do that wedding proposal which means DRAGON TIME

because you know he ain’t gonna go buy a ring, no no, he’s gonna go MAKE a ring. so queue Tyler fucking off to go mine in a earth dragon colony or something to find the perfect gems for the ring. learn to do the metal shit, make sure he’s got right measurments and all that shit

make it look pretty, then come back, clean up and get all dressed up and ask Lester out on a date and its private because honsetly none of us can udnerstand doing this shit publicly because it puts a lot of pressure on the person you are asking but any way

summer, it’d be sumemr time when he asks. there would be a pinic in the forest, in a meadow or something. there would be fireflies and the stars and the moon and Tyler would start with a really soft gay speech about how much he loves Lester, and how far they’ve come together and even though he tends to ignore alot of human things ,this one seems like a cool idea and he’d just offer the ring and it’d be fucking beauitful and he’d be like ‘would you marry me? you can have the ring either way, i made it for you’

and like, jsut for the sake of being gay at 1030, lets say Lester says yes oh my god Tyler would go all steven universe eyes and i think cry but also scoop Lester up and just twirl around laughing and being extra happy extra

picture Lester being happy and laughing and putting on a ring that was made for HIM, jsut him, its ever existed just to go on his finger. and he and Tyler bump heads together and it’s cute and soft and illuminated by fireflies

would Lester choose Mark as a best man?? would Mark say yes??? would mark be a grump frump about it or would he actually be happy for his brother (im sure he would be honeestly)

man who is gonna be the ‘priest’ at his wedding?  Alix probably, lol. man what kind of shindig would they want for a wedding?? alan is all outdoors and floral and shit but what is Tyler and Lester??

literally couldn’t think anything other than ‘food’ for Tyler. my god that boy wants a SPREAD. BUFFET, WEDDING BUFFET, AH. GET THAT BOY A BIG ASS CAKE FROM CAKE BOSS, AH

what woul dLester like??? my god picture Thalia walking Tyler down the isle, PICTURE THEM BOTH IN SUITS. REALLY NICE SUITS, AH

Tyler wants a flower crown, ah

my god Alan would be in tears, just petting Tyler’s face and telling him he’s so happy for him and he’d personally make the flower crown for him (and one for Lester if he wants) 

oh who am i kidding, he’d be all over Lester too. he’d be telling them how much he loves them and kissing their faces

Lester would get to come into the Berlin family, as much as Tyler gets to join the Anderson family too. Lester gets to have another mom and dad, and more siblings (and yet he’s STILL teh oldest hhahahfdsufsomfsdjds)

i dont know what kind of wedding they’d like. i mean, i assume it’ll be out in the woods area any way because just so many people coming but like...how will it be set up??/ what time of day???

man what would Lester look like for his wedding?? special suit?? flowers??? Tyler suit??? matching suits??? complimentry suits??

i think Tyler wants a white suit with a pink under shirt because he’s dumb and beautiful, something like this

man what kind of vows would they make??? dance reception??? 

i fully believe for Mark and Alan’s wedding, one of them is gonna shove cake in the other one’s face

but for Lester and Tyler, i dont think so (unless Lester does it) 

dancing. lol Thalia dancing with Lester, Tyler dancing with Lucy, Lester and Tyler dancing and Mark cutting in to dance with either one and it’s weird and lol inducing for me

just....them being happy

[the-long-lost-ebony-blog]

my suicide attempt from kinphobia -- really really long post!!

TW FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, FRIEND BETRAYAL, DOCTORS, ABUSE, KINPHOBIA, ANXIETY, SELF HARM , PEDOPHILE MENTION, and MAYBE DOXXING!!! 

well um. remember a while back when i was all super worried about a girl in chem class almost finding out i'm kin? yeah. it happened. it happened like a month ago. so i actually started being friends with her after she'd obvs had a bad day, like she was just sitting in the hall and i felt sorry for her bc she'd been crying. i started talking to her and asked if she was okay, now at that point she had no idea that i might be kin. i hid it really well! until!! she said that kin itself is a mental illness. and i couldn't help myself. i fuckin went off on her. kin isn't a mental illness, not all kin are mentally ill, etc etc. she just froze up and had this look of absolute disgust on her face. i tried to backpedal and say that she was just using the words wrong, and she was insulting mentally ill ppl but noo, she caught on. 

i just sorta made an excuse and left but it turns out that later on, she'd gone onto my facebook which i don't put on here for reasons like this lol. she dug through my timeline and a bunc of old photos and found like... a kin positive graphic from 2009 or something. it was a thing saying that i was "kin and proud" or whatever. (back then i thought i might be therian or otherkin. not fictionkin.)) 

now, i am in college but for summers i go home to live with my parents. that's where i am now. so here's where it gets worse. tw for stuff above. she went onto their facebook pages and got their emails. and she sent them both email as "a concerned friend". she told them that she was friends with me from class, and that i'd been acting weird lately -- like, not myself, low self esteem, spent all my time talking to strange people on tumblr, took 'a certain satire writing' (my source!! ugh) too seriously, and was really disconnected from reality. 

okay so the deal with my parents: they really are supportive of gender stuff (even though i'm a cis girl and was cis in canon) and different sexualities, and disabilities. they are also anti trump and want free health care and wish we did not start shit with russia. like they are not bad people. but in the past , i'd started to ask them for advice on if i was kin.  i had to explain what kin was. and they were p much horrified that this exists. they think that it "locks people into fiction and imagined reality" and "stunts their phsyclogical (not sure how to spell) development" and "teaches suffering kids to use escapism instead of therapy or self help". basically they are super ableist when it comes to kin. and they think it's ridiculous that it's actual community. stupid me, i'd literally said (before they said all that) that "i think i'm an otherkin, i feel uncomfortable as i am right now". so i pretended to agree with them on kin being bad. but then when this girl sent them the email.... i was home. with them. 

they would not shut up aboout how terrible this was for me, how i was hurting myself, how they never should have let me on tumblr, how they shouldve watched me closer, how i don't owe "these people" anything (you guys are my friends!!!) how this community is toxic, how i badly needed therapy. okay okay -- i need therapy! but it's for depression! not for being ebony!! and it was like this every single fucking day, and a lot of cringe blogs have been posting shots of my blog. that's because she's sent anon tips to them outing me as kin, outed me to my parents, and all the other ppl from class i was friends with? she spred a rumor that i was a pedophile apologist and didn't think authors' work was original, to make them stay away from me. i would have been here on tumblr -- ut they monitored all the stuff i did on the internet. i could only write poetry and watch youtube and like check the fucking weather. and i could shop on amazon. they became so ridiculously strict. it was "to protect me" but no. they refused to udnerstand that kin heps me! 

everything came to a head that night. they took a way my laptop, they took away my phone, they made me disconnect from everything that was related to kin. and they sent me to a therapist who was... well. awful. she was blatantly kinphobic, she'd had kin patients before and claimed to have cured them of being kin. this bitch had glowing reviews everywhere. when i insisted that i actually was ebony, she told me that i was taking "imagination as a coping skill" to far. she would not let me explain anything. my parents, who i usually came to for advice and liked, didn't let me explain. any mention of kin was just shut down. 

and then i couldn't anymore. i am so sorry, i just couldn't do it. and i was so angry at them. i was angryer at the bitch classmate who outed me to them. i wrote a sucide note telling them that i'd attempted before but kin saved my life, that i was sorry i couldn't be better, that all i ever wanted was to find my true self, that if i couldn't be ebony then i couldnt be at all. TW!! when they were asleep i went down to the medicine cabinet, i put a basket of my favorite things on the table, and i put the letter in it. and then i took.... jeez i dont even know what. 

the next thing i knew i was awake in the hospital. god it hurt all over. i just remember feeling super sick but really wanting food, and my head hurt, and it hurt to keep my eyes open. i was just... aching. and i was so disappointed and so scared that i'd failed. i knew my parents were furious with me and i'd never talk to my friends again. when they came in to finally talk to me , well i don't remember what happened. i blocked it out. but i do remember that they weren't angry at me, they were mad at themselves.  they are still kinphobic, but they want me to be comfortable with myself without "having to believe i'm ebony". 

when i recovered enough to be sent home they spent all their time with me until i said i needed to be alone. so they gave me a break but they came back, they said that they'd read about how to help me. all the advice they got said that they shouldn't isolate me and they shouldnt cut off my contact from my friends. so i'm allowed to be on tumblr a little, i'm allowed to talk about kin a little, they think that i'll grow out of it with lots of help. shutting me down about it will make me restless and i might atempt again. 

i am currently in therapy. i dk what my new therapist thinks of kin. i try not to talk about it with her bc i'm scared that she'll be hostile and i'll relapse. overall going to see her is not stressfull as long as i don't alk about being ebony. i just kinda pretend that i don't have a sense of my own identity, so she's trying to help me build one. i did tell her about how i had a frend that spread horrible rumors about me and shared my secrets bc i did something she didn't like, i didn't do anything wrong though. she was really sympathetic bc when she was a teenager, fake friends spread rumors about her being bi and said it meant she was cheating on her boyfriend. so yeah she is helping but kin helps too. i'm not going to tell her about it bc i can't have it taken away from me again. 

thats why i've been gone so long. i'm on new meds too, antidepressants, so i might act weird or be emotional a lot. and im trying not to self harm but i slip up and cut sometimes where no one can see it. 

i know i have a lot of messages. guys im really really sorry but i have to delete them. there are self care request, have to delete, i'm sorry. it's just.... if i the messages, i feel sick bc it' like i missed a deadline over and over and i feel like people are going to be mad at me and i feel like i cant fix it. if you sent requests, please sent them again SLOWLY over the next couple days. im doing everything i can to get better. but i need your help. 

[oflgtfol]

HELL YES... tai lung is my FAVORITE..... WHO is out here saying he’s the weakest villain. fuck you

[clownbutt]

kjkljiu

[jewwhore]

so i  a) could not fucking keep it in my goddamn pants food-wise and just! binged today too! got left home alone and just made tacos for myself??? then got tim hortons??????????? even though i was like “ok ill just eat the tacos” literally what the fuck is wrong with me what the FUCK is wrong with me b) am never telling anyone anything ever fuckign again because im just annoying and they dont udnerstand and i dont want to be a bitch but at the same time there’s some kind of fuckign animal inside of me screaming “TEAR THEM APART” for not responding right and ij ujst fuciinhgsoiubrgvnsfcjkuhbgdg

god i am literally such a bitch. im literally the wqorst person ever i cant even suffer in fuckign silence and suiffer right