happypluvial

[happypluvial]

i hope they haven't been my parents

what am i gonna do if my parents ain't being parents to me? i'd like to step out and seek different light and pillar. what am i crazy about if i feel this way? i feel like a rebelled child for hating my parents.

i'd like to help them, but they give me a reason to not to. i'd like to talk to them, but they don't listen fully.

they said they were being good, doing all things for our own good. but we were just held back, to back down what we have potentially.

am i afraid? sad? mad? confused? the mind of the writer does not possess frrom what is asked. why do i feel like goin out of here, i feel this ain't a home already.

i want to live on my own. i want to get out of here. i want to cut connection from them. i don't want them.

i am tired of staying on a place, which was known a home. but now a house, of bullets from mouth.

[happypluvial]

La Casa De Papel

Lacasa De Papel is not really about the aim for robbing something. It teaches us about focusing on our own inner strengths and be an optimist to look forward for the best results that we have worked for. Our plans may not come out as how we expected but, looking back to the main reason about why you started something and using your own strength to fight in life is necessary to survive.

Kudos, to this masterpiece.

[happypluvial]

I look pretty when I cry

Swollen eyes,

Blurry sight.

It's how it is,

To lose your mind.

To be the pain,

And to be someone's pain.

It's not a game,

But good-bad gain.

It is okay

To ain't fix it right away.

Maybe we could just stay,

Let time heals its way.

[happypluvial]

They say, when someone truly loves you, you can jump off the cliff freely because you know someone is beside you holding your hand. No matter how deep the cliff is, that person will stay by your side regardless of the pressure of the air touching your skin and the fear of pain either you might fall into an ocean or rocks. Whatever it may be, both of you live together in pain and joy.

However,

How could this be love if there is the angst of showing your authenticity toward someone whom you expect most to hold your hand when jumping off that cliff but, he just let you dive in while he's looking down at you while you fall from that cliff?

Maybe he still does not know me well yet...

[happypluvial]

How do I become so fragile?

I used to feel hurt easily,

And forgive easily.

I forgive like there's nothing happened,

And I feel hurt from that situation again.

I can't blame or scold someone,

I'm afraid that I might hurt anyone.

Why is it so scary to be me?

I tried being me but people got angry.

I explained to be listened,

Afterwards, argument was knitted.

I can't vent out,

I'm afraid of being loud.

I can't keep silent,

They get mad and make an argument.

Someday, I want to live and hide,

Where anyone won't find me.

Seasons have passed,

But guilt of freedom isn't got.

Maybe this is a lifetime test,

That God has given me.

Maybe I will not have someone to understand and know me here,

But He, does know every breath I have.

[happypluvial]

I'm currently in the middle of uncertainty.

A moment where everything feels like nothing's right. Seems like there's no progress after the months that I've worked for.

Would I still be able to continue on working for the life that I really want to live?

I felt left behind already. Nothing seems to go on the right track that I want to take on.

It's really hard. I don't know what to do.

[happypluvial]

I really miss my Samuel.

[happypluvial]

unheard pupil

i don't know why i don't have the feeling of being a student now anymore.

i'd rather be a student for moral of the life than be a student in a school.

i'm now slowly internalizing how useless the academic achievement is, well in fact it is just became a norm that everyone must comply to have a diploma.

i'd like to be the voice of students today who find learning academilcally uninteresting anymore.

i have a mother who's a professor as well but we both hate professors of my generation today.

i just can't handle those kinds of people who don't know how to empathize with their students. maybe they had the privilege before to be excellent students without minding their families because they are born with a silver spoon in their mouths. unfortunately, they cannot understand how it is being like this in this situation right now. they don't experience seeing their family suffer and worry about the things that are unknown for tomorrow. no idea of where to get sustenance for the next few days again. every day that passes is frightening.

i don't have the energy to be an academic achiever anymore. i'm now just one of the students who wait a few more years to get out to this robot system learning run by apathetic deaf, blind and self-proclaimed professors who seem they the whole school.

but still, i'll never forget the professors who understand us. they are now few in this learning generation, but i hold on to those people like them who have the heart for their students, not only their brains. i'd rather be with people who have a lower IQ but has a very good EQ.

after all, those bragging about the expertise they have in their profession will be passed away like a speck of dust.

a mind may forget all things from you and fly away in the wind, but a heart never forgets how it felt from you.

[happypluvial]

you can't be grateful for everything, but you can be grateful in every moment.

the reason why i'm feeling so anxious about myself right now and about the things that i cannot control which i can see it's coming, is because i forgot to embrace the switch of season that i'm about to face. i see myself to do things what others do just to feel belong. i forgot the people who appreciates me. i was seeking the wrong attention and appreciation from someone. though i have enough loving people who's there for me.

i feel sorry for myself and i feel proud at the same time because i feel this is the feeling that i'm really trying to burst out which i cannot do before.

feeling uninspired? same. it happens. it's normal. embrace what your body wants. you're not being unproductive? there's something that you really want but you can't do because of responsibilities and works.

you're becoming harsh to yourself.

so take time to embrace your changing seasons.

*virtual hugs

[happypluvial]

The Survival Student Amidst The Pandemic Chaos

I was brought up to believe that being excellent all the time in education and finishing it first is the most ideal key to having a stable job for a living in the future. However, inevitable vicissitudes could really be mind-blowing just like when the Covid-19 pandemic blew up in every country across the world. One of the most that have been affected by this pandemic is the schooling system. According to the undersecretary of the Philippine Statistics Authority, Dennis Mapa, the youth employment rate as of July 2020 is 77.6 percent. As of July 2021 this year, the youth employment rate has increased to 84.6 percent while no one seems to care about this. Though there has been a panacea to not push through the academic freeze, the learning modalities of various educational institutions in the midst of the pandemic have emerged into the-so-called terms such as online class, modular, blended learning, synchronous, and asynchronous sessions. We all know what these terms mean, which are those who conduct classes via Google Meet or Zoom, there are also those who opt to study on their own through the instructional materials, and a combination of these two learning methods are also not new to the students batch 2020-2021 and up until now. Is it still worth it to be a top-performing student during these times? You may think so, it's a yes. But in reality, we cannot deny anymore that the students who said that learning today is worth it are ninety-seven percent pure hypocrisy, lies, and pretension.

Learning has been expensive. Not all students are fortunate to have their own gadgets and stable internet to cope with the online setup of learning today which is the only way to get in touch with the teachers or professors. This has been one of the most common reasons why the youth employment rate has increased to 84.6 percent this year based on the survey of the Philippine Statistics Authority. This just actually means that the youth today do not find learning worthy to spend time with if they know that their family is in danger of hunger and health security amidst this pandemic crisis. Isn’t it obvious that as time goes by, the cycle of the unfortunate Filipino students is just repeating like that which might result in unfinished education? That’s the reason why our country is not ameliorating because those Filipino students before are just remaining to be employees.

Learning has been more like compliance. Based on the study conducted by the Southeast Asian Ministers of Education Organization and the United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF), the majority of the Filipino students had a reading proficiency level equivalent to that in the first years of primary school, with 27% of the students still at the level where they can only “match single words to an image of a familiar object or concept.” This just simply indicates that there is no more retained learning happening in the students nowadays. Isn’t it?

Learning has been a fiasco. Aside from the financial scarcity and dissatisfaction of the learning modalities we have today, students in the midst of the Covid-19 add the stress of where they can get their sources for their daily needs and expenses which cripples their minds about the survival state they have in each day. We cannot blame the students who are not happy in learning right now due to the situation we have like this. What's more, if they are unlucky to their professors who do not even care about being considerate and understanding to their students who experience this life, it would really be a fiasco on their minds. According to Dr. Cornelio Banaag Jr., the professor of Emeritus, Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, University of the Philippines- Philippine General Hospital (UP-PGH), 10 out of 20 percent of adolescents estimated are now already suffering from various mental disorders from ages 14 to 24 years old. The most common root of the mental disorders faced by the youth today is related to uncertainty and isolation. If the students or the children today are already experiencing it in their homes, what more if this is getting worse by being neglected and left behind at school by their inconsiderate teachers?

If you’d been in the shoes of any student during the pandemic right now, how would you feel and face the frustration of being torn about prioritizing the studies or the sources for daily survival needs? Is it still worth it to have the kinds of progress we still have now in our education system if most of the students today have something that cripples their mind and soul? Lucky for those who are just on their safe homes who are not worrying about what would it be for tomorrow’s survival again.

Sources:

Ph. D. Maps, Dennis. “Unemployment Rate in July 2021 is estimated at 6.9 percent.” Philippine Statistics Authority, Labor and Employment, Sept. 7, 2021, https://psa.gov.ph/content/unemployment-rate-july-2021-estimated-69-percent#:~:text=j.,84.6%20percent%20in%20July%202021.

Balinbin, Arjay. "Filipino Students Falling Behind In Reading, Writing Levels in Southeast Asia." BusinessWorld, Deceber 3, 2020, https://www.bworldonline.com/filipino-students-falling-behind-in-reading-writing-levels-in-southeast-asia/

Visco, Rory. “Covid-19 related mental health issues growing among the youth.” BusinessMirror, October 13, 2021, https://businessmirror.com.ph/2021/10/13/covid-19-related-mental-health-issues-growing-among-the-youth/

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Chosen topic: Online, Flexible and Blended Learning

[happypluvial]

Bleed

I'm inside a head,

Causing ache.

I'm inside a heart,

Causing pain.

I'm hearing all the echoes,

Which makes an ear bleed.

Which makes a heart torn.

Again, I'm inside a head.

Lost, hollow, and heavy.

Replaying all the echoes,

That causes bleed.

[happypluvial]

A rainy sunder afternoon, two college students of philosophy major are having a conversation about the life's essence, purpose and fulfillment.

S1: I just wonder how various definitions of life's essence has been explicated. I believe that we must give our own meaning of life though.

S2: Yeah, of course. For me, life is like a coffee. The perfect mixture of bitterness and sweetness of its taste makes its wholeness as being a coffee. When it has been added with a creamer, I think that is when we finally understood the true essence of coffee for reaching the very best taste, or just like in life that is when we finally achieved the perfect moment in life that we are aiming for.

S1: Well. That's a good perspective though. But another thing.. coffee is consumable, right? How would you still be able to produce a proper mixture of a coffee if it so happened that you weren't able to balance of what you said the taste of the coffee, or just like in your life? How are you going to deal with the scarcity in your life?

S2: I think, having imbalances in life is just a normal part in life. But I know there will always be instances in our life that we cannot handle anymore the hardship in our situation. And you know if you're a true believer with faith, that instance in our life is just a process of training. Just like in a coffee, it undergoes grounding and roasting to produce its finest taste. Those coffee beans are us, who undergoes the process of grounding and roasting. The bitterness or the difficulty, the sweetness or the happy memories and faith we have, is what produces the best coffee or the life that we are aiming for.

S1: That's a great resemblance to our life though. I think the fulfillment in our life is when we finally indulged the best coffee taste in our lives.

S2: Exactly! Why don't we have some coffee near the café there?

S1: That's a great idea. C'mon.

Words by happypluvial

[happypluvial]

| Delude |

I've lost my passion,

I've got no energy to move.

I've lost focus on what I am,

I've got no idea where I must be in.

I grabbed my pen,

But lost its ink.

In front of my notepad,

But got nothing to note.

I've fallen asleep,

From the person I wanted to be.

I think I already lost my ability,

And got lost on my own road.

[happypluvial]

I must have gave up from the things that I have working at on where I am right now. The feeling of losing interest and motivation to hustle my passion is gradually coming through again on me. At this juncture, I must have stop and regret things all over again. I was once as steel as an iron but I feel like an old rusting steel left unused just along anywhere. Have you felt like being so uncertain about the things that’s going on over your life yet, you still feel like you’re just making a self-sabotage on yourself. After all the plans you’ve made, everything has being shattered because of your surroundings and therefore will result to disbelief and losing self-control. 

But...

Maybe...

Our vision may be blurry as a fog on the window but we can wipe it off and make it clear again. Maybe we must take time to unblur ourselves from uncertainties along our way to bring back home ourselves again from who we really are and from what we really love. You may feel losing time right now, but you are not. We are all living in a different paces of our lives. We have different stories. Comparing ourselves to others is a form of self-betrayal that we ought not to do. 

We have different paces with different speed. 

Take your time to live and breathe.  

[happypluvial]

| Flare |

How come you did this to me? I don’t care, but I cared.

I’m always at my fragile state, But I became sturdy.   I don’t stare, but you had flare, To let me know what’s inside you.   Let me fall forever, But please catch me as I do.

[happypluvial]

| 15 minutes before dawn |

Sometimes, you just have to feel your emotions in order to voice them out. Despite the doubt that others might get pissed off on you or a tendency that can cause a misunderstanding with another person, the satisfaction of the emotion release could be one of the best things for a healthy emotional well-being of a person.

Nothing feels better when you've been able to tell what's inside your heart because that is actually what we are supposed to do, to feel, to express.

[happypluvial]

| Make You Feel |

My heart is filled, That I had to put it into soup of words.   I cannot be fluent, To express what my heart wants to tell.   But one thing that I am excellent, Is to make you feel my love for you.