#I CANT TAKE THAT FUCKING SITE ANYMORE AND ITS BEEN 3 MONTHS!!!!

[x-doom-and-gloom-x]

How to... get $14k in a year.. :?

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

So far what has been the worst thing about being pregnant?

oh so much, so equally.

sciatica, making it so i physically cannot walk without excruciating pain, but only at night when i need to get out of bed to piss. (thankfully i am not a type who needs to piss all the time. yet.)

acid reflux, a constant cold burn in my throat unfazed by tums but is ignorable if im constantly drinking something. so my stomach is always full of liquid, which makes the acid worse, so i have to keep drinking so i dont feel it.

i am So Fucking Hungry. “have less food more often! smaller, more frequent meals!” they say. “because your stomach will get smaller as baby grows!” i dont fucking think so babe. yes i can handle it. yes i know baby is growing rapidly and needs the nutrients and thats why my stomach is constantly growling. baby wants the entire meal, and baby wants another in two hours. pay up or perish. (by perish i mean my stomach will growl so loud you go deaf)

speaking of deaf, the sinus pressure has closed up one of my ears. it’ll go away after birth but the other ear has pulsatile tinnitus that i need surgery for because the sinus pressure and increased blood supply pushed my eardrum back, and i need a replacement prosthetic of some bone in my ear that isnt doing its job.

speaking of sinuses, there’s so much fucking blood in my body that sinus pressure causes nosebleeds, a common pregnancy issue. however, because of allergies i already had prior, my sinuses keep all the blood clotting up inside my sinuses. and because of acid reflux, i’m constantly spitting, so it never has time to settle and properly bleed. instead i cough, snort, and spit up 5-8 BLOOD CLOTS. FROM MY SINUSES. per day. some darker and heavier, most smaller and less dense. i am constantly creating suction pressure in my throat to dislodge blood clots from my nasopharynx. i am always snorting.

my tits are disgusting. i have lymphedema in the breasts, rather uncommon, and it has been completely mimicing the symptoms of breast cancer without having any lumps or actual tumors to show for it. anywhere. they’re simply an angry warm red, feel like an orange peel, hard as dried playdough, and the consistency of a memory foam mattress.

“yr areolas will darken uwu!”

and thats just what i hate the MOST.

things that just annoy me include:

always feeling both exhausted and like i NEED to clean everything. everything. all the time. im noticing dirt and mess that i’ve never seen before in my life. im rewashing perfectly clean items because im not the one who washed them initially.

nesting feels itchy. im exhausted midway through organizing the entire bathroom but i Have To keep going. its compulsive. it feels like an actual rat in my brain trying to claw its way out. and i struggle so badly to ignore it because half the shit i want to do cant be done until mid april. and it’s been scratching at me since like january. it kind of hurts.

also i love kicks but the rolls and swishes feel fucking gross, it feels like there’s a goldfish in my stomach just flopping around nastily. it tickles in a gross way.

i have to sleep on a wedge pillow in addition to my C pillow. both help immensely, but im so blocked off from davyn and it makes me sad. i have to tear my little nest apart if i want to cuddle, and then i can’t for very long because he lays down flat, and the aggravates my acid really badly.

horribly vivid dreams. ive never felt more disturbed by my dreams than i have the past few weeks. it feels so real, nothing like a normal weird dream. the concepts are strange but the environment is so convincing. and it’s usually nightmares.

im really forgetful now and its kind of scary. like genuinely scary because it feels like im losing my mind and its bringing up a lot of... gaslighty trauma from when i was a teenager. sometimes my memory is as perfect as usual, sometimes i forget what just came out of my mouth two seconds ago. davyn is really patient when i get scared.

and i have it relatively easy.

i dont have gestational diabetes, which would necessitate an entirely new diet that i KNOW i wouldnt be able to sustain.

i don’t have blood clots, so i dont have to take those awful shots that bruise the injection site so terribly(i took them after my knee surgery, i switched to warfarin because i couldnt stand the shots anymore after only a week).

i dont have cervical insufficiency, which runs in my family and would necessitate a much higher level of care.

i dont have an Rh incompatibility with my baby, which would necessitate a higher level of care but also one of the most painful shots you can get in pregnancy. in the ass cheek.

i didnt have morning sickness AT ALL, just occasional nausea and not even consistently. some people puke multiple times a day and struggle eating anything. for the entire duration.

i don’t have tons of emotional outbursts, i had one breakdown about davyn eating my banana, one about davyn saying “the pillow is my girlfriend now” because i fixated on the word girlfriend, one because i left soda in the freezer and it exploded, and i cry easily over touching youtube videos a little more easily. thats it. 3 breakdowns and a tender heart. over the past 7 months.

i have it quite easy, and most of all im doing this on purpose.

i’ll say it again every time: reproductive choice is a hill i will happily die on. absolutely fucking nobody deserves any of this, least of all people who don’t know its coming and didnt want it anyway.

i wanted this, and im doing it eagerly. i just also hate it and it sucks and im glad it’ll be over soon and i can have my screamy poopy wrinkly baby on the outside where i can actually LOOK at them and HOLD them and know the tangible fruits of my labor. feels like im wading through a sewer to reach some unknown treasure that im praying will still be there when i get to the end.

make sure your birth control timer is set properly. wrap yr meat. stay aware. etc.

[oasisofpassion]

Twitter is the price to pay for clout because most of my godforsaken fandom is on there

And my god, does my Twitter timeline have NOTHING BUT MISERY ON IT!!!

I spent too much time on Twitter please gimme a hug

[what-is-your-plan-today]

Honey Haloed Weakness

Bucky Barnes One Shot

Summary: Bucky Barnes has a Honey Haloed Weakness- there’s nothing more to add! Warnings: Bad language, fluff, feels…nothing specific Characters: Bucky Barnes, OFC Honey, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson

A/N: This was written for @jbbuckybarnes Birthday Challenge. I know she’s on a hiatus after some sucky drama (I’ll keep my opinions to myself but will say that it’s ridiculous the amount of drama this site has at times an I’m really glad I’m not popular enough to be roped into any of it!) Anyway, as I’ve written it, I’m posting it. Congratulations on 900 followers and happy birthday!! My prompt was dialogue: “Did you just shoot two guys  with one bullet?” “Did it look cool?“ Prompt is in bold in the story.

I’m really nervous about this one, as it’s completely different to anything I normally write but I hope you enjoy.

****** One bullet. One pull of the trigger. That was all it took. As Bucky watched the shot flew clean through the shoulder of one hostile, ricocheted off Sam’s shield and then hit a second straight in the hand causing him to drop the knife he was slashing at Sam with. The three of them stooped, Falcon, The Winter Soldier and Silver Shadow. Shield, guns and sparking hands lowered as they glanced around. “Man did you just shoot two guys with one bullet?” Sam turned to Bucky, his tone laced with shock and awe. “Did it look cool?” Bucky quipped back, an air of nonchalance in his voice, despite the level of surprise he himself felt.  James Barnes knew he was a good shot. But that…that was something else. And something that had been down to chance more than anything. Even if he had tried to make that shot, there’s no way of predicting the trajectory of the bullet once it emerged from the guys shoulder or controlling the angle it exited at… 

Unless… He turned to look at Shadow. Her soft honey- coloured halo of wavy hair, splattered with blood and gore from the battle, hung like curtains of scarlet coloured silk round her face from which warm amber eyes glanced back at him. Her pretty features remained passive, adorned with the same expression she had worn when he had first seen her in his rundown apartment in Bucharest when Steve had come looking for him post the Vienna bombings. 

Sam turned away muttering something about retrieving the Intel they had come for off the hard drives in the main office and once his back was turned she caught Bucky’s eyes with her own. They were gold, haloed, just like her hair, and as he allowed himself just a second to indulge in the warmth they exuded over him, one slipped onto a sly wink. And then he knew for certain. She’d done it. She had controlled the shot.  Directed it where it needed to go. And Bucky wasn’t sure whether he felt turned on or slightly emasculated.

His Honey haloed weakness. “Don’t worry…” she said gently as they made their way back to the jet. “I won’t tell him, on one condition?” “Yeah? What’s that?” Bucky asked, turning to look at her. “You ask me out for that drink Steve’s been telling me you want to take me for.” And with that she left him standing there, slack jawed as he watched her head up the ramp. **** “So…in a word old man, you’re still a punk.”  Bucky finished recapping the tale later the next morning, leaning back in the comfy chair by the bed Steve lay in. The old man laughed and shook his head. “She’s a minx, I’ll give her that. And she always was good at playing the cards she was dealt…” A fond smile spread across Steve’s face at the thought of his other best friend, his sister, the girl he had pulled from that shitty HYDRA base in 2014 when they had been chasing the Sceptre. No one had any idea who she was, what she could do, where she had come from…and that included her. She hadn’t spoken for 3 days other than to thank him or Natasha for the food and clothes she was given, and Tony for his kindness. And then on the 4th day Steve had found her in the kitchen at the Tower and had won her over with an expertly made grilled cheese. “What’s your name?” He asked softly as she sat chewing.

“I…I don’t know.” She shrugged, her eyes wide as she looked down. Steve gently reached out, his hand taking hers softly as she looked at him.

 "Honey, you’re safe now, you know that right?

“Honey…” she said wistfully  "I like that…“ 

And so it had stuck. And suited her.  Where her ability to manipulate metal came from, no one knew. A mutation? Maybe. Human enhancement experiment? Possibly. But it didn’t matter. What mattered was the fact she embraced the responsibility that came with that power. She wanted to help people. She agreed to stay with the Avengers and they were better for it. 

Steve was better for it. She had been like the little sister he never had. Allowing himself another few moments of nostalgia, Steve eventually shook himself free of his memories and, with a sly look turned his head to face Bucky. “In my eyes its normally correct to buy a dame a drink before you roll around on an African Plain…yeah, I know exactly what went down between you two that night in Wakanda…” Bucky blinked before he snorted, shaking his head. “Of course she told you…” When the dust settled after the show down in Leipzig, Bucky hadn’t seen Honey for almost a year until she came to Wakanda with Steve to be there when they brought him out of Stasis. She had been different then, but so had Steve. A year on the run in the shadows had hardened them both. Those amber eyes carried a darkness that hadn’t been there before. But they still exuded all the power and warmth of the sun. And he was on fire. 

His Honey haloed weakness.  “Cant sleep either?” He asked as he emerged from the comfortable farmers hut he had been given to live in. She shrugged “ my mind gets a bit busy sometimes…I find the stars help.” He sat down besides her, stretching his legs out in front of him. “Ever wonder what it’s like just to be normal?” she sighed and he snorted. “What’s normal?” She laughed softly and looked at him, her eyes flashing in the moonlight, deep amber speckled with brown, the soft honey tones in her hair glowing in the lunar rays, a soft ring around her crown

His Honey haloed weakness. 

Under the moonlight sultry cries and gentle whimpers were shared. Skin slid on skin, hands wandered and explored…together they reclaimed their grasp on humanity. What it was to feel something other than fear and death and anger. And then she had to leave and it was another 12 months since he saw her again. On a battle field in Wakanda…with those creatures. This time she was fierce, those amber eyes glowing as she tore metal armour limb from limb, wrenched weapons from hands, made sure shots hit their targets, her daggers flying and returning to her hands. But there was no beating Thanos. 

“I can’t control his gauntlet.” Her voice was desperate, broken as she has realised her powers were of no use.

And then he had been dusted. “Those 5 years were long.” Steve shook Bucky from his reminiscing “For all of us. Trying to forgive ourselves for our failure. And it was that inability to do so that saw us figure it out, a way to bring everyone back…” Bucky looked down. He knew all about that. Seeking redemption, wiping your leger clean. “Don’t keep her waiting another 5 years” Steve locked his eyes onto Bucky’s. A plea, a beg.

So he didn’t he asked her for that drink. He dated her, bought her flowers, made love to her some nights, fucked her into the mattress on others. They ran missions side by side with Sam, walked and danced in the rain. A diamond ring was bought, a yes was said

And one bright April day a year later, his honey haloed weakness became his wife.

***** “Where are my keys?” Bucky asked, frowning as he gently closed the drawer to the sideboard that they normally kept all the sets of keys in. “I wish you’d stop moving my stuff…” He felt a vibration in his pocket and a moment later he heard the keys in question jangling and turned with a soft sigh to see them hovering about a foot away from him in the air. Honey stood at the other side of the room, hand raised lightly as she wriggled her fingers causing them to move higher. “Oh look, they were in your pocket…” she arched an eyebrow “You owe me an apology.” “So what’s new?” He chuckled and she smiled as she shrugged on her jacket and walked towards him as he checked they had everything they needed. Even for a simple trip down the road it seemed like they were prepping for a mission, but then again, maybe they were… They made their way out of the Brownstone into the glorious September sun and Bucky took the lead, as always, his wife gently walking alongside him, hand curled round his arm. He had a knack did Bucky, for steering and making sure everyone moved out if the way, which was why she was happy to let him. They reached their destination and made their way down the familiar little gravel path towards what they were looking for. Their pace slowed a little here, it was always harder on gravel, you sank a little and it took more effort to push through. They stopped in front of a beautiful headstone. White marble with gold writing, and a simple inscription Steven Grant Rogers Much loved husband, father and friend. Below the wording Steve’s symbol, his shield, the star surrounded by rings was etched, along with a simple phrase to remind everyone exactly who he had been. “Captain America is hope, he’s freedom, he’s just a kid from Brooklyn” Bucky’s hand gently ran across the top of the headstone and Honey smiled softly at him, before a noise drew their attention back to why they had come here today specifically. Smiling at one another, Bucky turned and gently lifted his 4 day old baby boy from the buggy as his wife watched, reaching up to smooth a finger down the baby’s soft, rosy cheek. Steve had been so excited when Bucky and Honey had told him that they were pregnant. But they had all known deep down that Steve’s time was coming to an end. The serum wasn’t repairing what was happening to him anymore, and hadn’t been for a while. Steve had noticed its effects had been dwindling for almost 30 years by that point and he was ready to go, to be with Peggy who had left him some 20 years previously. All of them had hoped he would live long enough to see Baby Barnes but things never do work out the way you want them to, and Steve had passed quietly surrounded by his friends, family some 6 weeks before their baby boy bad been born. Bucky had made a vow, a promise to himself that his son would understand exactly who his Uncle Stevie was. Not Captain America, but that little kid from Brooklyn who was always too dumb to run away from a fight. “Had to bring him to meet you one way or another.” Bucky said gently, looking from his son’s face to the stone with a soft smile before he crouched down in front of it. He took a moment, the words he was trying to form sticking in his throat as pure emotion washed over him. He felt grief, he felt loss…but also joy at the fact he was a new father and serenity that he had found his salvation, his second chance. And it was draining to feel it all at once. His wife softly squeezed his shoulder before she crouched by his side, gently wiping her own face as Bucky finally found his voice again. “Yeah, it was a him…so I got to pick the name.” Besides him he heard his wife chuckled as she spoke “I can still see your face Stevie, when we told you about that deal. Girl I picked, boy he picked…” Bucky smiled, he could too. Watery blue eyes that still had that sparkle had widened as Steve had looked at them both, horror on his face as he shook his head on disbelief. “What? You can’t do that…I mean it needs to be a joint decision, no matter what the gender…surely?” In the end Steve had been right. Whilst Bucky had suggested the first name for their little boy, he had struggled with a middle one…and it had been his wife who had quietly suggested it as he stood in the hospital room, gently rocking his new-born baby in his arms. Both had agreed there and then that it was perfect, both filling up with tears at the simplicity and the poignancy and both in love with the fact their son would help keep the memory of their friend, their brother, their Captain, alive. “Punk…” Bucky gently shifted the baby in his arms so he was facing the stone. “Say hello to Steven Roger Barnes” His son. His beautiful son. A life created because two people fell in love.   Because James Buchanan Barnes had a Honey haloed weakness.

Tagging a few of my regulars

@icanfeelastormbrewing @jtargaryen18 @official-and-unstable-satan​ @momobaby227 @jennmurawski13 @marvelfansworld​ @pagesoflauren​ @sweater-daddiesdumbdork​ @ayamenimthiriel​ @disneylovingal​ @djeniiscorner​

[ixiomdraws]

[CLOSED SPECIES]

I would like to officially introduce a creature species I've made. They arent really new since I've had them for years and posted them several times on a couple different blogs, but they were originally just one, not really a species, but I love them and i just wanted to expand on them and what they were, so here we go.

Please read under the cut for full info on budbugs.

BUDBUG is the species name, named after the original, Pillbug.

(this is Pillbug^)

Pillbug was the only of their kind, created in a lab for testing purposes, and not good ones. They were practically tortured, cut open countless times, experimented on, ect. They were made to be docile and obedient, no aggressiveness at all, to the point of almost being just a living stuffed animal.

Pillbug is quiet, and pretty much completely incapable of choosing to do anything. They will wait for someone to tell them to do something, sitting in the same spot till they starve to death. Think of the sims with free will option turned off. This is specifically Pillbug, the first and original, and does not apply to the whole species. All budbugs come from Pillbugs DNA, so, in a way, Pillbug is the mother/father to all of the others.

now onto the species:

BUDBUGS

Scientific name:Vitula mollisparva

CLOSED species

Lifespan: unknown. Oldest living budbug is 36 (human) years old.

Average height: on all fours:around 1 foot. Standing: 2 feet(bitty versions also available)

Average weight:15 pounds

Sex: Budbugs are a genderless species, and cannot reproduce. if you adopt one, you can choose any pronouns youd like to call them, they don’t care.

DIET: they can pretty much eat anything. Their diet is whatever is offered to them or available, including things like bark. They have no specific needs, but  there was a recorded overall preference of fruit and sweet things. Sweet milk is the number one way to attract them. It seems to be their absolute favorite, warm or cold. They have some semi-sharp molar like teeth in the back of their mouth that they use for crushing/chewing harder materials.

YOUNG: a hatchling(called pups) will not have vision, or be able to walk. they have feeling and scent to go on, much like a puppy. they have slight hearing that comes through to them as muffled sound. they are bottle fed milk like substance and sugar water(or a mix of both) for 3-4 months. 

since budbugs dont have the ability to reproduce, nor a gender, there is no mother to nurse them and is done by bottle. there is the possibility of an adult budbug attempting to nurse young, but it’s unlikely theyll produce milk in time before the young starves.(we of course have the ability to make ‘nursemaid’ parents, bottle feeding the hatchlings until their milk comes in from stimulation((e.g pups attempting to nurse on them for prolonged times))

 It's best to feed them mushy like food up to 6 or 7 months old. eyes open around 2-3 weeks old, along with better hearing. they start walking shortly after, 4-6 weeks. they will follow after people or animals in a fashion similar to ducklings, seeking a bigger ‘parental’ figure to protect them and make small chirp noises.

PLANT GROWTH:

Typically has any type of plant matter growing on their head, sometimes it can trail down their back and tail or even have random patches of plant matter elsewhere. the plants that grow on them are a part of them, for instance- cutting off a flower will cause a pinkish blood drop to emerge. They don’t seem to feel the pain of cut flowers/plant matter, nor does it need to be bandaged or treated, its fairly similar to regular plants in that aspect. [note:please do NOT use a mower or weedeater on your budbug]

The plants that grow on them are similar to regular plants, but often are more 'sturdy' and a little tougher to break/cut. This can vary somewhat by the individual, some will have more fragile type plant matter that easily comes off, others may have plant matter that is thicker, rooted and more connected to them. Usually youll know depending on plant type, thicker looking stems and such are most likely more rooted and a part of them and we highly recommended not trying to pull any plant matter out/off of them.

 its best to let the plant naturally die/fall off, and typically the plant doesnt overgrow to a point of causing difficulty to the budbug.

BEHAVIOR:

a common site is seeing the budbug grooming itself; licking like a cat and patting or somewhat 'pulling' on leaves or whatever plant matter they have, to shed the dead leaves, ect. If left with water, they might bathe themself, somewhat like a hamster or cat, except they dip their arms in the water instead of licking them.(if water is available)

They have horn-like nubs on their head covered in fur/felt, the horns stop growing at a certain point and then remain that way for life. Their horns have no use other than for hatching out of an egg at birth. Its extremely rare for them to be aggressive toward anything, including others of their species. They’re very sharing, and around their own kind, they will often groom each other, make soft calls, and sleep in piles. 

The few aggressive ones only did some mild growl like sounds and avoid the others, most of which stopped within an hour and joined in the regular activities.

There have been no cases of any attacks or biting, whether to their own species or other animals/people.

Meeting other species, they wont typically make the same call noises as they do to each other, but will still act friendly and try to sit next to or sleep with, and  even try to groom them.

They’re quiet, almost mute. They can make soft call noises and various other light toned sounds, they cant bark/moo, and even in distress or extreme pain, they typically only make soft whine noises or stay silent. they also make rumbling like sounds similar to a purr. They have a very high pain tolerance, some people might even claim they cant feel pain, but trust me, they do.

heres some similar noises they can make(budbugs sound a bit more soft though, kind of like cooing? if that makes sense) 

[1][2][3][4]

urgent call/trying to get attention(rare)

young/baby chirps

distress/pain call(rare)

Their arms are flipper like, though still usable as paws if needed, they prefer walking upright. their eyesight differs greatly, some excellent, some poor.  If you don’t like things staring at you, this isnt the pet for you. They are very observant, watching others is probably like tv to them. smell is their best sensory, along with hearing. their fur type can vary from otter-like(waterproof) to very fine silky soft fur and many others.

Personality:

trusting, obedient, friendly, happy, quiet, patient. They will spend the majority of their time observing their surroundings or others.(some are 'lazier' than others, falling asleep instead)

Intelligence:

varies. They can learn a lot, but they typically have low functioning free will and require commands or encouragement to act on things.

As an example, we set a waterer that works similar to a fountain, needing a button to be pressed to release water for drinking. The creature sees us operate it and with mild encouragement, will press the button and drink. We leave them alone for days,  and while they know how to operate the device, they do not, simply waiting.

It took several days of being completely alone before they finally activated the water by pressing the button. By their straightforward action, we could tell they knew how to operate it and it wasn't an accident. This test was ran on several others, all similar reactions. On average, only 3 out of 10 would react sooner, within 24 hours, 5 took about 3-5 days before reacting, and 2  passed out from dehydration and had to be taken to medical. (test was ran on 5 groups of 10)

Many other tests provide similar information: they typically wait for something to encourage or command them to act, even on simple survival such as food and water. If it isnt offered to them, they seem to get confused and wait for an offering, even if theyre next to a stream.

 In some tests conducted, when in groups, they will follow suit after others, even of different species. e.g, one walks to a stream to drink, they follow suit to drink as well. It’s possible this is a faulty instinct of survival, watching others to drink or eat something to make sure its safe for themself, the faulty part being that even once they know a source is safe, they’ll still often wait for encouragement to engage.

 thankfully, about 74% of them will get over this faulty instinct over time and regular encouragement towards a water/food spot. moving their dish or having a non-regular feeding area can cause this faulty instinct to return or worsen. it’s recommend to have a designated water and feeding spot set up for them to help them overcome that behavior.

other than that, they are extremely adept at learning commands and copying (to the best of their ability). they learn tricks incredibly easily. (e.g, roll over, sit, fetch, ect)

again, this is a CLOSED species. you do not have permission to make one of these without my consent. below are permissions if you get one- RETURNS: If you decide you do not want your budbug anymore, you can message me and I’ll take it back, either keeping it or putting it back up for adoption.  but i can not and will not refund you. Which should be obvious, but just in case, i’m stating it here. PERMISSIONS: -you have complete permission to draw/write/ect of them. harm/violence/gore is allowed. I dont mind gore or sad angst stories, so whatever you want to do with them once bought, you can. However, you do not have permission to include them in anything sexual. if they’re just being the pet that watches their owners do it, like how cats sometimes do, then that’s fine. But absolutely no fucking the budbugs or other sexual activities with them. -You do not have permission to resell them or sell merchandise with them on it.

This post will be updated as needed if anything changes to their species info. Last update: 10/18/2018 

[sege-h]

Man it feels like everything around me, site-wise, is burning And I’m here screaming about pokemon

But like

You guys dont understand ive been going nuts for like 3 weeks now?

It doesn’t even have anything to do with the Let’s GO! games comin out or the detective pikachu trailer

Because I was goin nuts some days before that

Like listen my love for pokemon is always there. But like yknow when you already like something, but sometimes that love hits you like a train and ur like I LOVE THIS THING to borderline obsessive levels.

I think its smth like hyperfocusing but not like...on a task. Just. On an interest? Idk

BUT since I live here, I have no outlet for it. I cant just be like ‘ok lemmie just go to the store and buy a pikachu plush’ THERE IS NO SUCH THING

I cant even be like ‘hey I’ve wanted to play Omega Ruby since it came out, now that I’m Like This maybe I should finally get it with my next paycheck’

NOPE

I’D L O V E TO PLAY OR

BUT I HAVENT EVEN SEEN A PHYSICAL COPY HERE, WHICH IS WHAT I WANT

With my next paychesk I might see if the board/card game store has Pokemon cards. Word is that they have them again, but just full on decks now, and not booster packs too like they used to.

(a couple months ago I posted on here that I found Pokemon cards that didn’t seem like a bootlegs, but forgot to do a follow up post like a dingus. Turns out they were bootlegs, but very good ones. The cut of the cards is only SLIGHTLY off, the names and moves are good. But the flavor text reads like something outta the Vietnamese Pokemon Hack (my fave is the one for Nosepas. The other ones at least have words and a bit of effort. Nosepas gets ‘A Pokemon. aaaaaaaaaaa’ SHDGSH) AND some of the cards are ones that haven’t been released outside of Japan so far as far as I know. And some cards are meant to be holo-cards but arent. BUT, oddly enough, I’m p sure the box does come from a legit set. AND one of the cards inside seems to have slipped under the radar because it had the shine it was meant to have, the cut was right, and the flavor text was the only one that wasn’t near jibberish. Weird )

This weekend I was so desperate to have something Pokemon related to do, that I took my cards, alphabetized them, and also had each letter be sorted by gen.

This weekend I also decided I wanna look thru my pokemon sticker albums, of which I have two. And I cant find them anywhere????

Mom n me looked everywhere possible. In a box we found EVERY single sticker album I’ve ever had, including a Digimon one.

And I can tell exactly what happened when we were cleaning up and initially put those albums in that box.

I was probably like ‘I love these Pokemon albums the most, and will be likely that I’d wanna look thru them sometime. I’d rather they be somewhere more accessible than a box under a bunch of other stuff’

N we were probably like ‘YEAH OK LETS PUT EM SOMEWHERE MORE ACCESSIBLE!’

...anD NOW NEITHER OF US REMEMBERS WHERE THAT IS

Some part of me is paranoid that maybe we made them TOO accessible, and while I was out, some kid came here and found them and liked them and my grandma was like ‘sURE, TAKE THEM, I’M SURE TEA WOULDN’T WANT THOSE ANYMORE 8)’ and now years after it’s like her last ‘fuck you’ from beyond the grave.

But that’s not the case, or at least I hope it isn’t

It is possible that I took this scenario into consideration years ago, and put them somewhere I thought would be easy to remember/accessible for me, and yet hidden for others.

aND NOW I CANT REMEMBER AND ITS HIDDEN FOR ME TOO

DAMMIT, PAST ME, I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BUT YOU FUCKED UP. WHERE MY POKEMON ALBUMS AT?

[speci-society]

@surstromming god ok ive been meaning to like. Talk abt my experience trying to maneuver getting remote learning so far this school year, because Literally This. Its either astronomical levels of incompetence or Not Caring or This

So um

- July 2021 im going into my senior year of high school. Delta is starting to emerge and theres gonna be a new spike, and itll probably be worse here bc i live in the south. May-june, school system was saying they were going to go for everybody 100% back in person, and up until july i was ok with it. July came and they weren't showing signs of slowing down, and since i live with exclusively at risk elders, me n my family decided "well actually let's get you in the virtual academy option they have been offering since before covid anyway"

- rest of july-all of august, me n my grandma are contacting everyone involved w the school about getting me in the virtual program. They're saying registration closed in May which we never got a notice about, and was bullshit bc we were getting messages saying theres still time to sign up over the summer. And i knew this because I WAS TAKING A RECOVERY COURSE OVER THE SUNMER point is, they wont let me in. In the meantime im getting assignments from teachers i wouldve had, had i gone in person, over google classroom. And in early september they say "OK ACTUALLY YOU CANT DO THAT ANYMORE" and kick me out of the school and lock my account without any notice. I am not in school for all of september

- early october we finally fucking get somethinf worked out and i start taking 3 classes i need to graduate, online. I started at the very beginning of every course with a grade of 0% because every assignment since august was counted as missing. I was given no help in the way of catching up. My friends in person were in the middle of midterms week. I was given half the time to make up all classes with no help whatsoever, even when we tried to reach out

- the thing is, the way i was pacing myself (realistically, and giving myself time to Destress as to Not Suffer High Blood Pressure And Stroke from months of constant stress) would've been on pace and passing with very good grades, had i started when all my peers started. When i tried to reach out for help i was often blamed for "not pacing myself", and the common sentiment was "sorry you got in 2 months late, but the good news is you still have another 2 months, so get to work!" And i will never get over that. This isnt even mentioning all the technical issues with the site the classes were on but im not getting into that. It was just very bad and sometimes delayed progress even further

- mid november my grandma goes to the hospital to treat conditions directly caused by excessive stress. Why yes i am blaming my grandmother's hospital visit on the school system, i think im in the right to do so

- i live with my grandma so obv this shook up my life very much for basically the rest of the semester. She returned home a week or so before the semester ended, so she was here when we got an email from the virtual school saying "hey, if you dont catch up in all your classes in the next 3 days we're not making you a schedule next semester, so either go back in person or start homeschooling", neither of which are remoyely viable options for me. So instead of continuing to argue, we quit

- it's january now. The 2nd semester just started. I'm not in any school now, i'm gonna get a GED. My school system decided to go virtual for the very first week, and the first week only. To show they "care", to show they Kinda Sorta understand the situation is only getting worse, but they dont understand or care enough to keep schools closed. I had to get kicked out of school twice in one semester and have my guardian in the hospital so i could get two months of learning about economics and american lit and human anatomy, and in the end im very very glad i'm not being pressured to risk my life and my family's life for a cap and gown in spring, and im very very very angry on behalf of my friends and peers who absolutely do not want to be there, yet are. The school system fails everyone. God. Fuck. Hate it here

why are people so opposed to remote learning “its bad for mental health” im sorry but would you rather students die????????????? also for some of us not being in school where we are exposed to bullying and isolation due to disability or autism on top of a covid threat would be a fucking nightmare. most of the issues with remote learning is because the government fucking sucks at doing their job at all levels. do you know how long its been since a stimulus check?????? theyre trying to fucking kill us i swear to god.

[wiener-blut]

i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)

— what was your last…

1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao

— fave colours

12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways

23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future

24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖

26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely

28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days

30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn

33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube

34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago

35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips

36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)

37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?

38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear

39. blood type: 0 positive, i think

40. nicknames: Lily

41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen

42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them

45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding

46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that

50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao

51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens

— more general

52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay

53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u

54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet

55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face

56. want: to cuddle honestly

57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis

58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes

61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually

62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)

63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up

64. hookup or relationships: relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?

69. sex on first date: nope

70: broken someone’s heart: probably

71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda

72. been arrested: no

73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily

74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here

— do you believe in

75. yourself: ugh

76. miracles: i want to

77. love at first sight: no

78. santa claus: i want to lol but no

79. angels: fuck yes

— misc

80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana

82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really

83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u

84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons

85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that

[dearsadgoat]

recovery

recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.

during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.

instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.

to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.

fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.

however, this is the end of the fun.

anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.

i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.

around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.

so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.

the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.

i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.

i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.

looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.

so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.

the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.

these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.

after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.

for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?

i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.

i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.

eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.

i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?

yeah you’d think that.

i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.

of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.

fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.

i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.

nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.

this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.

i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.

i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.

I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.

as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.

i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)

he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.

after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.

because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.

at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.

someone up there must love testing my patience.

a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.

God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.

that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.

since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.

and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this

[captivatingalyeska]

Day 1: My room turned into a ocean. I swear I found fishes and sharks swarming into my lungs. Or maybe that was the remains of you trying not to escape but desperately needing to

Day 2: You weren’t at school today and I should’ve been happy, I was more sad

Day 3: I thought I was ready to move on, then I saw you with her.

Day 4: We haven’t spoken in days now. My mind thinks its being shoved off a cliff.

Day 5: I wish it would just hit the bottom

Day 6: This will be the first weekend we dont hang out. I know you’ll be seeing her and I know you’ll be smiling without me. I’m trying hard to learn how to too

Day 7: I asked you for help on a history assignment and you replied with “Ask Amber im busy”. I texted back: “Tell Emma I said hi”

Day 8: You posted a video with her on the only social media site you have. When I saw it I erupted. I spewed lava every where, oh god its every where

Day 9: My mom made me sleep next to her on the couch. She was afraid I would try and do something like I did two years ago when another guy tore up my heart. I actually had thought about it

Day 10: I slept in your sweatshirt one last time so I can feel myself engulfed in you. I know you wanted them back so I had to feel you and smell you just once more.

Day 11: I gave you all of your stuff back and you thought I looked like a warrior but really I went home and tried getting you out of my bloodstream

Day 12: When will my eyes stop flowing?

Day 13: I snuck out with a boy and smoked weed on his couch. He talked about love and how much it hurt. I only pictured you.

Day 14: I woke up next to that same boy and I woke up screaming. The boy was worried and confused but I knew why I screamed. I imagined you laying with another girl on your couch. I ran out of his house so fast you'd think Id be better at running from you.

Day 15: It’s spring break and I’m with my best friend and your with her and I swear I can feel you tracing her spine the way you used to trace mine

Day 16: I ignored your birthday and it felt worse than the puking I did that night

Day 17: I’m treading icy water while you’re swimming away searching for warmth. I guess I just hope you’ll loop around and find your way back to the shattered, but still there, us

Day 18: I don’t remember the sound of your voice. I don’t remember the color of your eyes. I don’t remember your the taste of your lips. I can’t feel your hands on mine or on my body. I don’t remember how soft your hair is. I must forget, all of it

Day 19: No amount of screaming gets your name out of my head

Day 20: I got on a plane today and when we took off I swear I almost walked to the door and started flying

Day 21: They say it takes 21 days to break a habit but I think I just manage to fall more in love with a greedy monster

Day 22: I saw you today and wished you a happy late birthday and promised we’d watch the third Hobbit together. I’m beginning to hate myself more

Day 23: Its the end of the month maybe next month won’t be filled with thoughts of you and killing myself. I think I’m beginning to get over you

Day 24: April fools

Day 25: I think I understand now. When you first told me you loved me your mouth curled up on the edges, two days before you left when I gave my bare self to you your mouth was a straight line as you muttered “love you”

Day 26: If you’re trying to kill me it’s working

Day 27: I woke up this morning to my blankets and pillows piled in a corner in my room. It’s something a ghost would do to make his presence known. I’m haunting myself, or maybe its the ghost of us taking over my body

Day 28: It’s almost been a month since you told me it was never me. I almost texted you happy easter but I saw those text messages we last sent and just got angry

Day 29: I hate that you act like you didnt break my heart. I hate that you think I’m fine that I’m not writing a shit poem about your shit personality

Day 30: Thirty days since you’ve wanted me. Thirty days since I told you I love you. Thirty days since you’ve slipped from my fingers. I tried catching you. You’ve been gone far too long. Thirty days is too long

Day 31: I had a nightmare last night about you. You told me you loved me and kissed my forehead. I woke up breathing heavily and shaking. I want you out of my life

Day 32: Running on no sleep isn’t fun

Day 33: I’ve been awake for over 50 hours in fear that I’ll see you in my dreams again. I cant risk that. It hurts so much. Get out of my head

Day 34: My mother told me that love will do this. That its cruel and torturous and breaks you into such little pieces not even she can pick them all up. You know where they all are, please come back and pick them up

Day 35: I talked to another guy last night we stayed up late and he asked me questions about you. We were sober so it wasn’t easy spitting up vowels and similies and euphemisms explaining the empty feeling in my chest after you left

Day 36: Fuck if i stopped seeing you everyday I swear I’d be over you.

Day 37: My knee didnt touch your leg like it used it I promise I didnt do that fuck

Day 38: You told me that the wrinkles on my leg bothered you when I sat down. That’s not what you said when we were trying not to get caught in the back of your car

Day 39: You told me you’d take me to prom and in two days it’ll just be another day you promised to spend with me. It’s funny how our plans turned to dust in a matter of seconds after cleaning

Day 40: The thunderstorm of us was inside of you and maybe that’s why it felt so close. I keep counting the seconds between the boom and light hoping you arent moving away but I fear that you are already letting others feel your storm. The plants you grew are dying, maybe you should come back to water them

Day 41: Ten days since its been a month since you left. I cried at prom because all I could look for in the crowd was you.

Day 42: I got so drunk all I could see was your face. The guy I fucked kept telling me his name wasn’t yours. I cant even scream and cry anymore, I’m burnt out. You’re all I still think about despite your efforts to continue to push me away

Day 43: I should be getting high today but if I do I’ll just write more shitty poems and think more about a shitty guy who will never care

Day 44: I think I’m trying to gain feelings for someone else because it’ll make moving on from you easier. I’m afraid to write that it hasn’t

Day 45: You traced my leg like you used to. It was like dandelion tea. It made my insides fill with happiness, you’re my yellow paint.

Day 46: Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would put happiness inside him. He would consume it everyday in the hopes that it would bring his sadness to rest despite the fact that it could kill him first. I guess you were my yellow paint, emphasis on the were. See, I’m not going to write about you anymore, because when I write you down I’m under the impression that you’ll stay with the words but you don’t. This is the last sentence I’ll ever write about you

[fatethearcher]

Kimi no na wa x Persona 4/5

I am trash with my trashy ships and trashier headcanons someone stop me plz Continuation of my previous post -When do the mind swaps occur? During P4 for Rise's timeline (maybe Naoto's rescue mission?) and During P5 for Ann's timeline (3rd palace? or later but preferably 3rd) -is there a "Rise is dead" timeline? Yes. The timeline where Rise is dead gets overwritten though (similarly but different to KnnW) which is why to everyone in P5 Rise's poster at the station has "always been there" -how do they each deal with hiding their personae "changing" "Ann" volunteers to stay in the second party while exploring the palace on switching days. "Rise" makes excuses about being busy and asks if Teddie can be the navigator that day -do their teammates realize something is off? OBVIOUSLY this is persona we're talking about... The investigation team try to question "Rise" but she is very good at avoiding them on switching days--- probably because they're trying to find her where Rise would go, but it's Ann they're chasing soooooo XD it's the avoiding that's making them more suspicious though lol. The Phantom Thieves are just kinda like "We gotta deal with Kaneshiro*... she's not upset or anything so let's just leave her be. She'll tell us when she's ready" because "Ann" is super bubbly and stuff so it's odd but not necessarily a bad thing... they think? *whatever palace boss they're dealing with at the time -Why wouldn't Ann recognize Rise immediately when they switch bodies? Because Ann is originally in the "Rise's dead" timeline. She probably briefly remembers Risette from when she was in middle school but it's been years since Rise died and when switching bodies she's probably not going to automatically remember a dead idol she may not have even been a fan of. The switching bodies thing is weird enough thank you. But honestly she probably has an odd feeling of dejavu when she looks in the mirror and sees Rise's face but doesn't know where she has seen her before. -Do they have any habits that annoy the other Yesss Rise needs her coffee in the morning. It has to be super dark and bitter with no added ANYTHING or else she's a grump for the rest of the day. And if she's having a stressful day she'll keep drinking coffee the entire day--- aka every time they switch Rise ends up stressing out and ends up drinking enough coffee that she might as well drag an IV around with coffee in it lol Ann hates this because when they switch back she'll be all jittery and sometimes the coffee after taste will still be there when she wakes up and no amount of mouth wash will get rid of it. Ann likes coffee but she has to put lots of sugar and cream in it to the point that it's not really coffee anymore cuz there's no bitterness... (When they meet in person and start dating Ann is constantly telling Rise to go brush her teeth because no way are they kissing when Rise has extreme coffee breath. Rise kisses her anyway because fuck that) When Ann is in Rise's body she eats all of the sweets in Inaba if possible. Rise is [i]livid[/i] because Ann may be able to eat junk and not gain anything but Rise has to work out to maintain her figure thank you very much. (Ann is constantly taking selfies of "herself" while eating these sweets to chronicle what she's eaten that day though, and Rise kinda finds it adorable even tho Ann is in her body and it's kinda weird to see Ann being cute as her) When Rise brings Ann to Inaba for the first time (they still don't remember yet) to try the local sweets Ann is just kinda like "Why is this so familiar-- I've never been to Inaba..." (technically she has but she doesn't count that because she just kinda wandered the outskirts and she can't remember why she did sooo) -Habits they both end up having because of the mind swapping? It starts with Rise writing a sticky note and falling asleep with it on her face. Ann wakes up to "Seriously stop eating so much cake I'm gaining weight this isn't fun >___>" Ann replies back with sticky notes covering Rise's mirror completely that just all say "NO >;D" on them. Then they start a sticky note war that lasts a week or two. Rise's grandma is very confused lol. Once their war ends they will each write little "good morning <3" s to each other or "I made you lunch last night <3" When they meet again in person they still leave sticky notes for each other--- even before they regain their memory of each other--- They have no idea how they started doing this but it's familiar to them both. -When do they start to suspect there's more to the body switching and who notices first? Rise notices almost immediately that the technology level is a little bit too sophisticated for her time. (She just was in Tokyo a couple months ago there's no way it's changed this quickly) but doesn't want to consider maybe something else is going on because she's caught up in hiding her true identity as NOT ANN from the Phantom Thieves--- plus time travel and body swapping at the same time? Ridiculous there's no way--- Ann doesn't notice right away since Inaba is known for being a country-bumpkin kinda place where technology is like a decade behind. One day she tries to search herself on facebook though and--- oh shit thats her in middle school wtf. When she's back in her own body she searches Rise on facebook and finally makes the connection between Rise and Risette.... and finds out that Rise is dead... -How Rise died? I'm still a bit unsure on that. Right now I'm thinking that she was going to take the train back to Tokyo for the weekend to speak with Inoue about restarting her career--- then there is a huge train collision due to Japan's department of Transportation being lazy about stuff (P5 reference lol)---- and no one survives the crash.... There's a memorial at the site of the crash, which is within walking/driving distance of Inaba. All the victims names were written on an epitaph there, which Ann will visits to make sense of Rise having been dead for years already. -How does Ann reset the timeline? I'm still REALLY UNSURE ABOUT THIS ONE ☝️ Mostly because the way Rise dies is kinda still iffy for me.... but also because how the hell is Ann going to stop a train if I keep it as the method of death? Obviously Ann has to recruit Yu and the rest of the investigation team because that girl needs back up on this. The investigation team have complete faith in her because they know that Rise has good intuition--- and they still think she's Rise, even if she's been acting odd lately. When Ann switches to Rise so she can stop the train (or w/e it is), Rise ends up at the memorial in Ann's body. And she's just like; "Oh. Well I guess that explains a lot" - Does the sunset/twilight scene from KnnW happen with the girls in this AU? YES BECAUSE IM NOT ORIGINAL TT-TT ALSO BECAUSE I CAN IMAGINE RISE REALIZING SHE CANT REMEMBER ANN'S NAME AND JUST OPENING UP HER HAND AND SEEING "I LOVE YOU" AND JUST LOOSING HER COMPOSURE COMPLETELY And the rest of the investigation team are just so confused like "Rise we just saved hundreds of people why are you crying?" -How do they meet again? I'm kinda on the fence on if it would be like the end of KnnW or if they end up working together for a photo shoot or something and start hanging out afterwards... both could work very well but I'm leaning towards the original KnnW way because it's cute and the photo shoot one would just be the two of them being like "omg she's hot... and kinda familiar wtf?" -What do their friends think of their relationship? "You two are cute together but holy fuck do you move fast are you sure you don't need to slow down?!?" These two are like the definition of U-hauling with Rise finding herself staying at Ann's house almost every night within a week of knowing her (They're not having sex yet, let alone dating--- I just mean they're extremely domestic w/ each other and everything's just-- so comfortable?) Like Rise wakes up to Ann cooking breakfast one morning and is just like "Wow she's so amazing! I could spend the rest of my life with her" and then she has to backtrack that thought like "We aren't even dating where did that even come from?" And their friends are supportive but also like "You two need to slow down you act like you're already married" Surprise they've been kinda sorta dating since Rise was a first year in high school XDD ---- Gdhsiqnxosnsoakyxahabhss GDI WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!? THIS IS THE MOST DETAILED AU IVE MADE IN A WHILE AND ITS A XOVER CRACK SHIP--- I SPENT AN HOUR WRITING THIS I MAY BE IN TOO DEEP

[razzledazzlefoshazzle]

1-200?

200:

My crush’s name is: Cassie

199:

I was born in: 1998, Australia, NSW

198:

I am really: I am really annoyed that you wanna know so much about me anon y u do dis

197:

My cellphone company is: Optus

196:

My eye color is: Brown

195:

My shoe size is: 11 Australia Mens

194:

My ring size is: i dont know

193:

My height is: 181cm or 5′10″ i tihnk

192:

I am allergic to: NOTHING I AM UNSTOPPABLE

191:

My 1st car was: No Car

190:

My 1st job was: I was an assistant at some guys authentic pizza shop. He was an asshole and i shouldve killed him before quitting.

189:

Last book you read: Ready Player One

188:

My bed is: My bed is my one true love and warm machine luv u bb

187:

My pet:  I have 2 dogs they’re fluffy love muffins called Pepsi (boy) Bella (Girl) ill post photos of them later!

186:

My best friend:

@schotts-fired

at this point i have as many memes with Kat as i do my real life best friend.

185:

My favorite shampoo is: Really nice smelling ones.

184:

Xbox or ps3: PS3

183:

Piggy banks are: Piggy banks are dumb i have a golden pineapple for my spare change.

182:

In my pockets:  earphones.

181:

On my calendar: every friday i do stuff but thats it

180:

Marriage is: cool

179:

Spongebob can: produce good memes

178:

My mom: Isnt nice i probably wont talk to her once i move out.

177:

The last three songs I bought were?Buying? Songs?

176:

Last YouTube video watched: Masculinity by Mr Sark

175:

How many cousins do you have? at least 3

174:

Do you have any siblings? 3 Brothers and a Sister ive seen twice

173:

Are your parents divorced? Yes

172:

Are you taller than your mom? Hell yeah shes a goblin at like 150cm.

171:

Do you play an instrument? No

170:

What did you do yesterday? I slept, watched movies, complained about the internet being down.

[ I Believe In ]

169:

Love at first sight: Not unless its a dog

168:

Luck: No but if someone does something better than me they’re lucky >:(

167:

Fate: No

166:

Yourself: No

165:

Aliens: I wish they would fix everything

164:

Heaven: Questioning my religious beliefs lately

163:

Hell: ^

162:

God: ^

161:

Horoscopes: No but they’re funny to read

160:

Soul mates: No.

159:

Ghosts: NOT BUT LIKE ALIENS I WANT THEM TO BE REAL GHOSTS PLEASE BE REAL.

158:

Gay Marriage: Yah its about as good as straight marriage

157:

War: its about as shit as i am

156:

Orbs: what are these?

155:

Magic: Refer to both ghosts and aliens.

[ This or That ]

154:

Hugs or Kisses: Hugs

153:

Drunk or High: Drunk

152:

Phone or Online: Online

151:

Red heads or Black haired: Red Heads

150:

Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes

149:

Hot or cold: Cold

148:

Summer or winter: Winter

147:

Autumn or Spring: Spring

146:

Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate

145:

Night or Day: Night

144:

Oranges or Apples: Apples

143:

Curly or Straight hair: Straight

142:

McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds

141:

White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White Chocolate

140:

Mac or PC: PC

139:

Flip flops or high heals: High heals like healing in video games am i right?

138:

Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and Poor

137:

Coke or Pepsi: Coke

136:

Hillary or Obama: Obama

135:

Burried or cremated: Burried so i may rise again!

134:

Singing or Dancing: Dancing

133:

Coach or Chanel: What

132:

Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:Who

131:

Small town or Big city: Big City

130:

Wal-Mart or Target: Target

129:

Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam Sandler

128:

Manicure or Pedicure: neither? 

127:

East Coast or West Coast: East coast cause western australia is a bunch of weirdos

126:

Your Birthday or Christmas: My birthday cause giving gifts is hard and spending time with people is easy.

125:

Chocolate or Flowers:Chocolate

124:

Disney or Six Flags: Disney

123:

Yankees or Red Sox: is that sports?

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122:

War: War Never Changes

121:

George Bush: He definitely did sleep with that woman.

120:

Gay Marriage: Good again!

119:

The presidential election: Trump is a rollercoaster of emotion ranging from bad to worse. At least the memes are good!

118:

Abortion: Choice

117:

MySpace: Had some pretty good games on it

116:

Reality TV: awful

115:

Parents:  My parents? Out of the 4 ive had i like one of them.

114:

Back stabbers: What kind of question is this i hate them.

113:

Ebay: Dont use ebay really.

112:

Facebook: The thing i use so real life friends can contact me its trash.

111:

Work: My experiences have been, less than pleasant.

110:

My Neighbors: I dont know any of my neighbours but they’re rude and dont reply to my hello’s.

109:

Gas Prices: i dont fucking know

108:

Designer Clothes: I dont care for clothes i wear tshirts and trackies all the time.

107:

College: No opinion on call egg.

106:

Sports: Fun to play boring to watch

105:

My family: i like my dad and my brothers

104:

The future: must be better than now?

[ Last time I ]

103:

Hugged someone: someone i wasnt related to like a month ago

102:

Last time you ate: literally always

101:

Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: last friday

100:

Cried in front of someone: fucking years ago i dont cry in front of people anymore

99:

Went to a movie theater: like a month ago

98:

Took a vacation: never

97:

Swam in a pool: 3 months ago

96:

Changed a diaper: never

95:

Got my nails done: a year ago

94:

Went to a wedding: also a year ago

93:

Broke a bone: never

92:

Got a peircing: never

91:

Broke the law: never

90:

Texted: couple hours ago

[ MISC ]

89:

Who makes you laugh the most: myself, anime

@schotts-fired

88:

Something I will really miss when I leave home is: the internet

87:

The last movie I saw: Taking of Pelham 123

86:

The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Finding my happiness again

85:

The thing im not looking forward to: my ex making social interactions awkward again

84:

People call me: Jack

83:

The most difficult thing to do is: get out of bed, finish breakfast

82:

I have gotten a speeding ticket: no

81:

My zodiac sign is: Sagittarius 

80:

The first person i talked to today was:

@whoneedsasociallife

79:

First time you had a crush: Primary School one of my Teachers

78:

The one person who i can’t hide things from: Nobody.

77:

Last time someone said something you were thinking: Constantly

76:

Right now I am talking to: Nobody

75:

What are you going to do when you grow up: Anything hopefully ill be happy

74:

I have/will get a job: Someday

73:

Tomorrow: Movies with dad, night with friends

72:

Today: nothing

71:

Next Summer: nothing

70:

Next Weekend: also nothing

69:

I have these pets: 2 diggity doggos

68:

The worst sound in the world: the sound my computer makes when it bluescreens while music it playing

67:

The person that makes me cry the most is: my ex

66:

People that make you happy: almost nobody

65:

Last time I cried: like 5 hours ago

64:

My friends are: trash shit garbage

63:

My computer is: absolute trash after so many issues im planning on getting a new one

62:

My School: sucked complete ass i was abused by a teacher

61:

My Car: doesnt exist

60:

I lose all respect for people who: no answer

59:

The movie I cried at was: anything that involves any form of friendship and love, or dogs dying

58:

Your hair color is: brown

57:

TV shows you watch: read my about

56:

Favorite web site: tumblr/youtube

55:

Your dream vacation: the fucking moon

54:

The worst pain I was ever in was: I had a cough last year that completely killed my voice and tore up my throat, coughed up blood

53:

How do you like your steak cooked: Well Done

52:

My room is: Clean and tidy af

51:

My favorite celebrity is: none

50:

Where would you like to be: in the future

49:

Do you want children: no

48:

Ever been in love: yes it fucking ruined me

47:

Who’s your best friend:

@schotts-fired

we already have more memes than my irl best friend

46:

More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends

45:

One thing that makes you feel great is: memes

44:

One person that you wish you could see right now: nobody tbh

43:

Do you have a 5 year plan: nope

42:

Have you made a list of things to do before you die: climb Mt. Everest, thats it

41:

Have you pre-named your children: nope

40:

Last person I got mad at: myself

39:

I would like to move to: a place with good internet

38:

I wish I was a professional: Twitch Streamer

[ My Favorites ]

37:

Candy: Red Licorice

36:

Vehicle: Shopping trolleys i guess

35:

President: Obama

34:

State visited: I dont travel

33:

Cellphone provider: Optus

32:

Athlete: None

31:

Actor: None

30:

Actress: None

29:

Singer: None

28:

Band: None

27:

Clothing store: None

26:

Grocery store:None

25:

TV show: Doctor Who

24:

Movie: Cant remember

23:

Website: Tumblr/Youtube

22:

Animal: Dogs

21:

Theme park: Wet n’ Wild

20:

Holiday: New Years

19:

Sport to watch: None

18:

Sport to play: None

17:

Magazine: None

16:

Book: Ready Player One

15:

Day of the week: Friday

14:

Beach: Nobbys Beach 

13:

Concert attended: None

12:

Thing to cook: Potato Bake

11:

Food: Pork Ribs

10:

Restaurant: Any place that sells pork ribs

9:

Radio station: None.

8:

Yankee candle scent: what

7:

Perfume: no

6:

Flower: any that can go in my hair like a hipster

5:

Color: Purple

4:

Talk show host: John Oliver

3:

Comedian: Louis C.K.

2:

Dog breed: Shiba Inu

1:

Did you answer all these truthfully? maybe i dont know myself

Fuck you anon you cant stop me im dedicated as heck and butts fight me.

:Update: I went and updated these cause my internet came back!

[kaspermakowski-blog]

Transformation Commitment

January 27th, 2017

So after keeping a journal for some time, for the purpose of keeping track of my start overs, my thoughts and my off of destructive habit day counts, I’ve concluded that it would be nice to have my desires and intent distributed into space and time. I’ve never blogged before and I’m not even sure if I’m doing this right and if the content is actually going to be posted somewhere for someone to read, but I do know that I’m about to embark on a journey and its going to be fucking interesting not only for me, but for anybody that also likes to ponder as I do and is a soul searcher and a believer of magic.  

After recent events of developing anxiety and then later becoming an unfaithful father who later became so lucky to have a relationship with his baby mama and his mistress knowing the pleasure of having two girlfriends and a son under the same roof, then one and then none, I’ve realized that I have a lot of internal work to do.

The aforementioned mistress Meagan had provided me with a lot of joy but also a lot of sadness and frustration. She wasn't happy in the 2 girl relationship so I chose her, she did make me very happy and the intimate life was amazing. However she developed distrust probably due to me choosing her instead of the mother of my child. I did maintain a positive relationship with the mother of my son Kaleb and spent nights at the hospital/ hotel and at Jessica’s house (mom), fighting through Kalebs developmental disorder called biliary atresia. To make a long story short Jessica and I....  we’re still cool, cooler than most x couples and this threatened Meagan, strained our relationship and turned me into an asshole or kept me one... it was a battle I could never win.

So we broke up... well kinda. We still saw each other talked to each other on the phone  every day and were exclusive to each other, apparently I wasn’t even able to have single female friends. So as you can see... still a dysfunctional relationship. But I’d take anything, I guess my confidence needed work.  So this went on for some time, I leaned on my addictions to tobacco, weed, porn and daily gratification to get me through the days. My self love was hindered, my confidence lacking in the bedroom, developing fear of the next encounter with her and my social life was lacking.

I ended up trying to take control of my insecurities by getting healthy mentally, and physically. I stay away from conventional meat and dairy... most of the time and I’m 60 days pot and tobacco free.This provided me with a flawless digestive system (which I was having problems with) lungs to breath with, a stronger immune system and some confidence but small victories.....

Some of my not so proud accomplishments... porn again, after day 50 and long sad attempt of connection with my one and only I made myself feel better, ... I did not feel better. But I think I’ve severed the link between me and Meagan for the last time.So hence the time to start fresh? (Meagan always said that I was addicted to starting over....) I have not started to meditate which I really want to, but I always come up with an excuse why its a waste of time...my mind is so funny. But then. I also always find a way to waste my time (shows, social media and what not). My interaction with people sucks too... I judge, I seem to have the right answers where I really I cant even get a grip on my own shit, and I seemed to always argue even when I don’t want to. Finally, I’m swimming debt, I work seasonally and have no stability, my house needs to be renovated and at least cleaned.  

So I know I’m capable of awesome momentum because I had some prior to my relapse, So I’m making a commitment to myself and the world to pick some rituals. There’s this motivation speaker by the name of Tony Robbins, the guy really speaks to me and I know what to aim for, I need structure, I need focus i need to start now and be comftorable with being uncomfortable. I’ve developed some areas of improvement on paper that describes my ultimate vision and purpose in various category’s such as health, love, family and fiances. I plan to focus on the category’s as I progress on this journey. So this is my 90 day commitment.  Which mostly includes controlling undeserved instant gratification, a global epidemic.

1. Monk Mode No Fap.... look it up. But it means no mindless watching of porn (this is the big one), but also movies, shows, trolling the facebook, dating sites but also controlling personal sexual thoughts. This also means no masturbating, touching or stimuli of any kind.  No more gratification to artificial and imagined stimuli. Real relationships are ok, providing their fulfilling and  based on love and affection.

2. Daily Stretch Morning and night, I never liked it but I know that flexibility helps in life period, it makes you well... flexible to what life throws your way and connects your mind to your body. We as people are always in our head and never in our bodies stretching provides a link and its one way to simply take care of yourself.

3. Daily Meditation/ Mindful Gratitude So this is a hard one for me but I’m going to develop a daily practice, there’s lots out there on way I should, or why everyone should so I won’t tell you all my reasons. But the main one, I want to be content, I want to know the world I live in, I want to control my thoughts and not have them control me. I don’t want to worry about things that do not matter. I want to live an authentic life and connect with the world and with the people in it. I want to appreciate what I have, what I experienced and what is to come. Because I am one fucking privileged individual.

4. Daily Exercise Another one that does not need to be explained but. Training for life, to feel good, to be confident, to be strong. To take care of myself. To give purpose to this young body so it doesn't wither away to nothing. To improve all the processes that are inside me.

5. Daily study. languages, reading and development I never have time for the things I would actually want to do with my spare time so I need to incorporate improvement in my daily activities or I’ll never improve. I speak Polish but not good enough to speak freely and confidently with my family member is Poland so I want to improve. Also, ever since I had the time of my life with Meagan in Cuba I’ve been dead set to learn Spanish, so I’m going to learn Spanish! I also have a lot of growing to do in how i communicate and think and plan so developing those through reading and study is also important to me.

6. Working to complete Renovations. My house is my ticket out of the secluded little town of Wawa. I’ve loved nature but I also really need a life and I will never get what I want here. So the fact that I’m in debt but own a house gives me an edge... the market here sucks, all houses sell for less than 100k if that gives you an idea and also I bought my fix me up er for 24600 so less than most people spend on a car. But if I’m to get out of this hole I need to rent or sell my house, and fixing it up will get me there.

7. Developing Time Management and my Personal Legend. I need to develop focus and discipline and I’m starting now. I know my mind tells me what I feel like doing, well I need to tell my mind what to do. This is key, my actions or no action is all determined by what I’m thinking and how juiced or excited I am about something. The more I do it, the more momentum it will acquire. Go to bed a decent time, wake up early and enact my rituals. I must be successful and continuously strive to better my life situation. This means I must actively be looking for opportunities, improving my resume and networking.

8. Exclusion of unhealthy substances entering my body. I’ve had a problem with smoking, toking, drinking  and generally eating like shit. NO More of that! I’m going to be mindful of what I allow into my body, because I’m the master of that and that is an important position that I will not take lightly anymore.  I will plan my meals so that their nutritious and delicious with lots of the good things I need to power me through my day. Thats not to say I’ll never have a glass of wine or smoke a joint in good taste in a comftorable social environment it just I can’t right now I need to gain control first. As for the smoking tobacco, its safe to say I’ll never touch the stuff again because I’m a fiend to it and I know that so goodbye forever or kill me slowly forever... I prefer the goodbye.

9. Keeping a clean environment/ being Mindful. I’ve been living in filth and its depressing. If I want to feel better I need to keep the house, my car and my mind clear of clutter. I need to be aware of the clutter of my mind and ensure that I’m grateful and mindful of the moment I have and of what I’m thinking and feeling in that present moment, being alive is an active activity and it can pass you by if your not paying attention to it.

10. Fast for 21 days This will be the door way into my new life, I would have had my body and mind prepared to take this on and after the fast I will begin the new chapter of my life with past mistakes a thing of the past. My rituals will be well established and I will really get some clarity to the road that lays before me. THis is going to happen in April, the month of my sons birthday and the end of my first 90 days. I will have a whole other blog keeping track of this I think but we will see if I can figure this blogging stuff out first. So there you have it. I just watched my last porn clip, almost bought a joint to send me off, but I’m still doing great there so I decided against it.

Conclusion

I feel shitty now and that’s a good indication that I need to get on my path, as soon as I post this its on, and I’m not stopping for no one. If your reading this wish me luck and hopefully it might inspire you to get off your ass and get your shit together, but really all this is, is mostly a prayer to solidify my intent. I burning my boats and taking this fucking island and when I get discouraged I’ll remember that a bucket fills drop by drop. I’ll keep everyone posted.  

Kasper over and out

[fresh-breath-of-heir]

Answer all 200 questions (if you don't have time, answer as many as you can get to!!)

Fuck okay lmao

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t really have a crush right now? But my fp’s name is Sebastian! 199: I was born in: Cape May Court House, New Jersey.198: I am really: tired of being alive lmao197: My cellphone company is: Verizon196: My eye color is: Hazel195: My shoe size is: 12.5194: My ring size is: idk man193: My height is: 5′11.5″192: I am allergic to: nothing191: My 1st car was: n/a190: My 1st job was: n/a189: Last book you read: For school, Fences. For pleasure, Nimona.188: My bed is: soft and squishy.187: My pet: is an adorable Italian Greagle named Bonnie.186: My best friend: Elizabeth, who barely goes on here anymore lol185: My favorite shampoo is: idk??184: Xbox or ps3: ps3183: Piggy banks are: annoying to use182: In my pockets: my wallet181: On my calendar: n/a180: Marriage is: nonexistent179: Spongebob can: finally die pls178: My mom: is amazing177: The last three songs I bought were? ive never bought music in my life lmao176: Last YouTube video watched: the most recent wtsf by meghan tonjes175: How many cousins do you have? 2174: Do you have any siblings? I have a brother and a half sister173: Are your parents divorced? No172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes171: Do you play an instrument? I used to play the trumpet but I sing.170: What did you do yesterday? Slept most of the day, saw Passengers with some friends, then went to a small New Year’s party[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: Sometimes.168: Luck: No.167: Fate: No.166: Yourself: No.165: Aliens: Yes.164: Heaven: No.163: Hell: No.162: God: No.161: Horoscopes: No.160: Soul mates: No.159: Ghosts: No.158: Gay Marriage: Yes??? wtf157: War: god no156: Orbs: idk what this is155: Magic: no[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: Kisses153: Drunk or High: never been either so152: Phone or Online: online151: Red heads or Black haired: black haired150: Blondes or Brunettes: blondes149: Hot or cold: cold148: Summer or winter: winter147: Autumn or Spring: autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: straight142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonalds141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate140: Mac or PC: pc139: Flip flops or high heals: flip flops138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor137: Coke or Pepsi: coke136: Hillary or Obama: hillary135: Burried or cremated: cremated134: Singing or Dancing: singing133: Coach or Chanel: idk??132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: idk either of these people131: Small town or Big city: big city130: Wal-Mart or Target: target129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: ben stiller128: Manicure or Pedicure: idk manicure i guess127: East Coast or West Coast: east126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers124: Disney or Six Flags: disney123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither fuck sports lmao[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: Fuck it and anyone that supports it121: George Bush: Fuck him and anyone who supports him120: Gay Marriage: its just marriage lol119: The presidential election: fuck off118: Abortion: its the person own decision whether or not they should get one117: MySpace: never used it but it looks horrible lmao116: Reality TV: dramatic115: Parents: love my mom my dad can die in a fire114: Back stabbers: if you betray someone you can die113: Ebay: alright i guess?112: Facebook: too many conservatives111: Work: n/a110: My Neighbors: elderly but seemingly nice109: Gas Prices: i dont buy gas108: Designer Clothes: too expensive for me but i dont judge that107: College: needed but it shouldnt be106: Sports: pros get paid too fucking much 105: My family: mostly annoying and too conservative104: The future: bud i can barely plan ahead five minutes[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: last night102: Last time you ate: right now101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: last night100: Cried in front of someone: last wednesday at school lmao99: Went to a movie theater: last night98: Took a vacation: last summer i guess97: Swam in a pool: last summer96: Changed a diaper: n/a95: Got my nails done: n/a94: Went to a wedding: 2008 i think??93: Broke a bone: i havent92: Got a peircing: i havent91: Broke the law: last night90: Texted: like ten minutes ago[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: Sebastian88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my dog87: The last movie I saw: Passengers86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: death and kissing cute boys85: The thing im not looking forward to: death84: People call me: a piece of shit83: The most difficult thing to do is: ask people for something that might inconvenience them82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: no81: My zodiac sign is: Cancer/Leo cusp80: The first person i talked to today was: Sebastian79: First time you had a crush: It was on Peter from The Chronicles of Narnia78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: i can hide things from everyone bud77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: no one75: What are you going to do when you grow up: i want to be a veterinarian74: I have/will get a job: eventually73: Tomorrow: hopefully i wont kill myself also i want to play the walking dead a new frontier72: Today: i didnt kill myself and finished the walking dead season 271: Next Summer: maybe ill be getting ready for college maybe ill  be dead who knows70: Next Weekend: maybe get to hang out with Sebastian maybe die 69: I have these pets: a dog68: The worst sound in the world: metal scraping on metal67: The person that makes me cry the most is: i cant just pick one66: People that make you happy: Katie, Lizzie, Sebastian, Andrea, Kalina, Tabby65: Last time I cried: like an hour ago lmao64: My friends are: somehow real63: My computer is: tiny and slow62: My School: a piece of shit but im used to it61: My Car: n/a60: I lose all respect for people who: purposefully hurt another person59: The movie I cried at was: Marley and Me58: Your hair color is: Black57: TV shows you watch: Jane the Virgin, Sense856: Favorite web site: idk man youtube i guess55: Your dream vacation: I want to live a month in every country in the world54: The worst pain I was ever in was: im constantly in pain so idk man53: How do you like your steak cooked: i dont like steak52: My room is: a constant mess51: My favorite celebrity is: Idina Menzel or Aaron Tveit50: Where would you like to be: with my fp49: Do you want children: i cant take care of myself how would i take care of a child48: Ever been in love: im always in love47: Who’s your best friend: Lizzie46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl45: One thing that makes you feel great is: validation and physical touch from my fp44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Sebastian43: Do you have a 5 year plan: i dont even have a five minute plan my dude42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: ive always loved the names eliza and sebastian40: Last person I got mad at: myself39: I would like to move to: upstate new york38: I wish I was a professional: broadway performer[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: swedish fish36: Vehicle: one that runs me over35: President: theyre all pieces of shit so34: State visited: new york33: Cellphone provider: fuck capitalism32: Athlete: serena williams tbh31: Actor: Aaron Tveit30: Actress: Idina Menzel29: Singer: Syd Matters28: Band: Andrew Jackson Jihad27: Clothing store: no26: Grocery store: giant25: TV show: sense824: Movie: The Way He Looks23: Website: youtube i guess22: Animal: dogs21: Theme park: no20: Holiday: christmas19: Sport to watch: no18: Sport to play: definitely no17: Magazine: no16: Book: Nimona15: Day of the week: Saturday14: Beach: Idk???13: Concert attended: I saw Paramore in concert and it was awesome12: Thing to cook: mac and cheese11: Food: mac and cheese10: Restaurant: a local diner9: Radio station: no8: Yankee candle scent: no idea7: Perfume: no6: Flower: lilies or tiger lilies5: Color: orange4: Talk show host: idk3: Comedian: idk2: Dog breed: idk1: Did you answer all these truthfully? yeah lmao