#I -SAID- I'M HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN
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I like checked anyways because I was curious what your choice of menty b soundtrack is... you can do better than this. girl. this is an intervention.
THE NEW PORCUPNE ON THE BLOCK WITH THE BUFF CHEST OUT IN THE WILDERNESS WITH THE RUGGEDNESS KNOCK KNOCK IT'S KNUCKLES
I WAS BORN BY MYSELF I DON'T NEED A POSSE I GET IT ON BY MYSELF ADVERSARIES GET SHELVED
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remember when the doctor and missy literally had this exchange?
doctor: two hearts.
missy: and both of them yours.
like... it really happened. i keep re-reading it. i made it my blog name. i think about it all the time. and i still can't believe it happened. we really got this. this is insane
#thoschei#doctor who#no but you don't GET IT#missy aka the master said her hearts belonged to the doctor#i mean DUH WE KNOW#but SHE SAID IT. OUTLOUD.#did i dream of this? like.#she wasn't even acting (because she was hiding her identity at the time) i just know it#we all know it#the point of this post is: holy shit the master literally admitted her love for the doctor#whoever says missy didnt mean it is getting their ass beaten#i didnt even get to the part in the cemetery where the doctor kisses missy#and she looks at him with the most desperatly loving eyes i've ever seen in my life#like my girl was dying of love what the fuck how long HOW LONG had it been since they last kissed#had they EVER kissed??#and we don't even talk about the fact that missy reached for the doctor's lips with her own and GRABBED HIS ARMS#IT'S THERE IT'S IN THE EPISODE#FUCKING HELL#no the actual point of this post is that i'm having a mental breakdown over thoschei#almost 10 years since those episodes and i'm still not over it#i won't ever get over thoschei like#i cant keep typing i just wanna scream
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Recognizing Early Signs of Mental Illness
#fe3h#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd#thats all it gets tagged as. if you see it then you were meant to see it.#txt post#side note while im in the tags no one looks at#im not too big a fan of the way people call his untreated psychosis as him being feral#its not a ground breaking take with the last 5 years of the game existing but ive only beem into fe3h for a year and its my blog#so I get to talk about it#like yes I understand its because he's likened to a Feral Boar charging ahead with destruction in its path and no brains etc etc#whatever felix said#but the way fans take that and really focus on calling an unhoused man with unresolved childhood ptsd haunting him for life feral?#the way fans take that and call a guy whos psychotic breakdown went untreated for 5 years feral?#REALLY doesnt sit well with me#idk im not the sort to be like “he didnt mean to murder this isnt him 🥺” because he did do that. a lot of that.#But people do things they dont want to do all the time when given the right mental state for it#Do you see people on the streets talking to themselves and shouting at the air and call them feral?#the ones you can smell from 6 feet away? the ones who have a crust on their hands and hair stiff from not having access to a proper shower?#the ones that havent had access to help or medication? Do you call them feral? Do you extend a hand or even look in their direction?#I'm rambling by this point. tldr mental health awareness and be kind to one another#and also to be careful and use your best judgement when helping because I stopped for an older woman asking for help#and she almost stabbed me in an empty parking lot#not my brightest moment
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(´･ᴗ･ ` )
#Alright lil blog update. Running the reblogs queue again tonight (yay!). Been procrastinating it for like? four months now?#I'm not going to fix the order anymore in a crazy pattern that only I can see. And like the point as always been#“it's only for myself‚ because I like seeing the posts all ordinately lined up ☺️”. But it does start being a problem when.#It actually blocks me from reblogging alltogether. Or makes me end up with 978 posts in the queue and 15584 in the drafts#(lol) (yeah)#Anyways had to write it down publicly because last time I said “screw it I'm not going to post in order anymore”#I lasted exactly one (1) day#Mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh#I need to make space in the queue so I've set 20 posts in the night / morning for the time being.#Probably going to tag less because again. the posts are piling up. Sorry everyone#So like... After this string of disappointing (and possibly irrelevant?) updates. Feel free to unfollow me etc. etc.#(Mututals included? I really hold no bad feeling I know I post a lot. I don't care about mutualism if we're friends we're friends)#Have a nice day / night!!!#random rambles#Btw for anyone wondering my previous queue lineup was 4 fanarts / 2 other category posts / 4 fanarts / 2 other category posts etc.#(other category could be like. gifsets together. analysis together. textposts of approximately the same length together etc. )#And fanarts had to be coherent between each other for characters / composition / oftentimes color palette#Anyways. Winning over ocd today 💪💪#(I say as I didn't pick this month specifically because the second half of the year starts together with it. Anyways)#ManBreakingChainsMeme.png#Edit: Just remembered this all started because I accidentally hit shuffle queue two or three weeks ago#When it happened I had a mental breakdown and cried for two hours but looking back. Maybe it was really godsent
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i know this is meant to be a funny shotpost blog but this small tidbit from Nightcloud's summary hits hard
#better bones au#speaking as a former victim who made peace w their abusers and bullies (family members)#like. ofc we are on better terms#but to this day#i'm still hurt#i still have breakdowns over things said and done to me#and that's ok#smth i appreciate about bb!au is how it handles those kinds of topics#instead of canon's “oh she deserved it for staying with him” victim blaming ass#because GOD FORBID their special little boy is bad in any way. no. it's nightcloud's fault lol#anyways srry for the rant#expect a few art shitposts in the future?#things r slow...... still busy w work and mental health... but im still around yall#cw abuse
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Honestly I always mostly just think of the [looks at notes] 3 managers Harry was friends with when thinking of what he lost but considering he's that old and has been jumping between franchises so much and also the fact Every Fucking Phoney (save for 3) got scrapped by the time we meet him; how much as this man lost? How many people he cared about has he seen die gruesome deaths again and again? Has he managed to find time to process this to grieve or has he just desensitized himself to the situation entirely? I wonder if some vague memory or reaction from how he dealt w this while in the war is how he keeps it at bay. Though it's rich of me to take his formality at face value when he has shown to not be a stranger to strong emotional reactions. Much to think about!
#luly talks#dsaf#harry Fitzgerald#dsaf harry#the last comment refers to him mentioning having mental breakdowns while on the clock ⌚ when you say you're having one in da bathroom#i dont recall the exact quote#also that. uh. tje review. funny for once im referencing that in an air of pity and not judgement#shakes head wags finger still not forgiving him for whatever he said there Not Cool man#but uh. yeah like#really think of him as the veteran stereotype just fully scheduled day to keep the demons at bay#also bc his job Forces him into this position which like#he . is one of the best phone guys for that reason#he accepted his role as a sort of machine even if reluctantly (''i think this is partially what lincoln fought for'')#yes sorry for remembering thr most oddly specific lines from this game they're running gags w my ex that's why#usually.#but like in that big post i wrote along that other person analyzing harry he is just. such a soldier#THAT'S AN INSULT. BTW.#queueing this for 12:08 pm#but writing it at 12:40 am#I'm on a roll tonite. but hit post limit ☹️
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every few months i get curious about what's going on at the cult of plushenko and go to check it out because i don't know better. and that man's latest post on insta... i actually CAN'T wait for his kid to debut internationally one day because no one will ever force figure skating upon their child like that man, that kid will be sooo traumatised and i can't wait to observe all the ways in which his dad raising him to be himself esentially fucked him up!!!
#plushenko rlly said i'm gonna groom my kid to become me whether he wants it or not#i will watch that kid's mental breakdowns post performances like a most dedicated bird watcher#let's face it he's a men singles skater he'll have epic flops#also i couldn't remember the kid's name at first i was like hmmm it starts with alex... maybe alexei??#and then i remembered that plushenko would rather shoot himself than name a kid alexei#because you know because of the brocedes of figure skating ass situation
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hm. highkey missing my dream husband right now
#i meant it when i said the dream left me Shooketh#like i feel as if I'd lost something very important by waking up and now I'm feeling very intense grief for no reason#am I going through a decade early midlife crisis?? Am I having a mental breakdown of some sort?????#i thought today's crunch would make me forget about it but it hasn't. hmm.#Luke rants#love being so mentally ill a dream can make me Even ill-er lmao#it's probably just the stress of everything but man. i am Not having a good time rn
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idek why I got mad asf lmao I triggered myswkf
#I just#I just don't want Jackie to be hurt#and he felt bad as shit#I didn't need to attack them#idek how I got so fucking worked up#and I mean worked up#I almost relapsed again#I almost attempted sui again#but#I made it ig#istfg there's always something like this happening every day#but idk why Ive been so mad#ive just been so easily pissed lately#and getting incredibly aggressive#I mean it wasn't really that bad yesterday with rens ex and him cheating on her and his main girl texting me#but today#holy fuck#Jackie got attacked ovevslmething he said a week ago#and they made her sad#they made her so fucking upset#I don't have any need to be this overprotective of people#had a fucking breakdown and sent death threats over what#but they keep harassing her#all three of them#they called me fucking mental#mental? really? I'm the mental one here? you haven't even seen me be mental.#I really need to hurt something omfg#all this pent up anger#for what?#I'm just tired ig
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I'm just spending this fine Thursday evening thinking about how I always see childfree memes about how nice it is to have extra money to yourself to travel and pursue hobbies and have nice things and how I live paycheck to paycheck often not having enough to cover my bills on time but at least I'm not paying for child related expenses on my paycheck which led to me thinking about how my sister told me my mom and dad got married because my mom wanted kids despite the fact they didn't love each other and apparently planned to have kids on purpose despite the fact they were poor and had only recently gotten sober (they met in aa lmao) and you know those families that can't provide financially for their children but love them to death and are emotionally there we weren't one of them so they just emotionally and physically abused me and my sister to the point we haven't talked in 3 months and I've only seen them 3 times in 9 years and what was the reason you wanted kids and couldn't provide anything for them I remember watching a tyler perry movie with my mom once and a character was talking about how how she was molested by her mom's boyfriend and my mom turned to us and said see some mom's are a lot worse like not allowing your children to be raped is not a flex I know it sounds like I'm coming down hard on my mom but long term followers also know I have smoke for my father this just isn't a post about him for once
#also I wasn't molested but I had a cousin say he wanted to rape me in the ass but he died so now I'm not allowed to tell anyone but y'all#lmao but the situation is not funny#don't mind me I'm just having a mental breakdown I could have avoided if I went to bed when I was sleepy#I'm literally professionally diagnosed pysch ward shorty traumatized#remembering the nurse that shamed me for going back to the pysch ward a year later the second time I was going to kill myself#because one why would you say that to someone in the er that was going to kill themselves#because that's exactly what my mother would have said to me if she knew#I should have did it#maybe if I did it big like jumped off a bridge and they wrote about how nice of a person I am she would have fet bad#I don't want to just die I want someone how treated horrible to for once feel bad about it#what is it about me that makes other people bring me down to this place where I feel like I'm unworthy of basic human kindness#like I'm less of a person#can some just tell me they love me like not romantically just like I'm a person that can be loved as friend and a daughter and a person#what was the reason what did you gain#actually cptsd#cptsd#rape tw ///#suicide tw ///#rants#stream of consciousness
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I love searching for mental illness tags I can pin on myself so I can fix what's wrong with me like a little checklist.
Anyway if anyone tries to suggest I might have a specific mental illness unless I ask for you to tell me, I will most likely block you or ignore that. This is one of the few boundaries I am forming, and it is a hard one.
#my random stuff#delete later#It really worsened my already bad mental breakdown and I am so close to snapping again#So fuck off cuz I know I'm broken and I don't need you to pretend there's a cure#Or that you think you know me#And I will most certainly lose it if you say “oh you have this probably” and then when I ask why say absolutely jack fucking shit#I am so fucking tired of that#And especially of oh we need more info maybe do that and then i give info and it's triggering#yes i am vaguing at this point#like yes i get it hurts and honestly i probably shouldn't have said such things in main chat tbf i didn't know they'd trigger ppl and I was#'t told but I do really have no excuse#But I am still pissed off#Anyway tell me that you think I have a certain mental illness and i'll fucking rip you to shreds#end rant i guess whatever
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Not me legitimately looking up flights to Ireland for a last minute near-mental-breakdown solotrip...
#i don't even know why i feel like i'm about to have a mental breakdown but yeah I feel like i'm gonna have one lol#so why not have it by literally running away for a couple days to ireland#i say as if i've ever taken a plane by myself and didn't only just got over most of my flying fears less than 2 years ago#and haven't only ridden a total of 7 flights in my entire life#and have a job providing me with disposable income#(though i do have plenty of savings but that's for paying the coop transfer fee for my late grandma's apartment)#(i haven't touched that amount in years because i needed it to stay. theoretically i could MAYBE spare a couple thousand)#(but i don't know the cost of the apt transfer and since i'm unemployed I don't know when i'd be able to recoup it)#(also i've applied to a billion jobs that could theoretically reach out to me at any time so that's another drawback)#i'm in a month-ish long break from therapy and it's not even been a week and i'm already on the verge of a meltdown this is great#well. kind of fitting. when i started with my most recent therapist i literally said in my first meeting#'i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i might run away to new zealand' and now when i meet my new one#it'll either be 'i'm 3 seconds away from booking a last minute trip to ireland' or 'got back from a last minute trip to ireland'#at least i'm consistent in my need to run away from my life without either therapy and/or a full time job to ground me
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something ive learned over the past 2-3 years: health and wellness classes absolutely were not meant for neurodivergent people
#at least my old health teacher could/would sympathize with me#i am a week and a half into this semester and the new teacher pisses me off unnaturally#just got an assignment that said something like “the opposite of empathy is SELFISHNESS! always be empathic!!”#as someone with multiple friends who have low empathy but are still genuinely great people; fuck you??#also there was some shit with socializing and 'getting out of your comfort zone'#ever consider that maybe the reason someone is staying inside their comfort zone#is bc forcing themselves outside of it makes them more likely to have a panic attack or breakdown?#DID YOU CHRISTINE?? maybe you're the one who needs to work on seeing things from others perspectives. fuck you#its always “get out of your comfort zone! try new and unusual things!”#but have you(/nd) considered: making the zone comfortable? “take as long as you need”?#considered “you're not a bad person simply for not living up to others standards and not knowing unspoken rules”?#(and yes 'nuerodivergent' here includes people with pd's and other trauma based disorders)#adhd#autism#mental health#vent#kinda#can you tell i'm not having the best day#hellth class tag
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living with other people really fucking sucks sometimes
#bitching in tags you were warned#my roommate pulled me aside on saturday and basically launched into me about how she does all the cleaning in our house which#she doesn't!!!#i do all the dishes everytime i use the kitchen and take out the trash and recycling and put away stuff she and our other roomie leave out#but she started pressuring me to do way more time intensive stuff like cleaning the floors and the shower more and just#i fucking can't#i am out of the house from 9a to 9p most nights and when i am here i'm either wfh or sleeping or crashing#so now im trying to fucking clean at night before i get ready for bed and i can't take it#i feel so judged and like shes resenting me all the time and i keep having like fucking mental breakdowns every night#when i'm trying to fall asleep#and i'm so frustrated bc her standard of clean is like pristine which is way different from me and our other roomie#and we never misrepresented ourselves to her we said we were tidy but had trouble keeping up with bigger clean stuff and she said it was ok#so why are you acting brand new about it one year later!!#i can't cope like my schedule was punishing enough as it is
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the thing with autism right. is i know if i was having a full mental health crisis what i would end up doing is going to the emergency room and being like "hello, my name is (x) birthday (y), um i was hoping to talk to you about potential mental health inpatient care? i'm currently having a mental health crisis and don't think i can be trusted on my own" like if there's one thing i can be sure will live on in me no matter how hard the brainworms try. is my fucking customer service voice
#like itll be busted as fuck because ill be freaking out but you bet ill be sobbing my way through verbally drafting an email#ive done it before‚ like im a frustrated crier and once i start crying i cant turn it off so ive had a couple times where i had a breakdown#at work‚ cried about it a lot‚ and my lead pulled me into a meeting room after i calmed down to check in#and as soon as i started talking it just started again so i had to be like 'sorry th-this is just something m-m-my bod-dy does‚ i-i'm calm#m-mentally but i just c-cant turn this-is off‚ just try to i-ignore HIC it and f-f-focus-s on the w-wwwords‚#(tired of crytyping so just mentally fill it in yourself in everything else i say)#n they offered me more time to chill but im like no really i genuinely am calm‚ i calm down wayyy before my body does its gonna#keep doing this on and off all day‚ it takes hours for it to fully calm down and is on a hair trigger the entire time#so thinking about this will make it kick back up again no matter what unless we talk tomorrow‚ so if youre ok with bearing with me then cool#and theyre like. dang ok and just focused on what i said#or much more recently i was talking to my roommate‚ stopped‚ held up a finger + stood there silently for ten seconds‚#then was like 'sorry about that‚ i think i have to throw up. excuse me for a moment. what was that? oh gotcha yeah i'll message you if i#need anything‚ thank you'#and just typing it out like that it sounds like i was fine and just saw it coming a ways away. however that is not the case#i had had my covid booster and some other vaccine earlier that day‚ lost 5 vials of blood‚ eaten Nothing‚ drank only#acidic-ass apple juice‚ and had just hit my vape too hard#keeping it in once it made its presence known was a feat of will the likes of which have never been seen before#and still my sentences prevail
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#i know i said i'll go do something else#but we all know that's a lie#anyway i'm just laughing at myself nervously#cause i'm sitting here having a slight mental breakdown to the sound of#bang chan slapping himself on his thighs#(i'm watching his live in the background. a welcome change of the vibe)#chattering
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