#How have i been going to therapy for over 10 years and still not got words for all this 😂😂🙄🙄

[satans-knitwear]

Oh okay like a sex thing, very nice. Maybe I got that good... good for nothing tho, you won't know till you ask 🤡

Did you ever identify as asexual? It's interesting to think you never had crushes, tho I can understand how much society can fuck up self-perception and make it hard for even the most gorgeous beauties to see it in themselves, usually we are trained to see it in others at least.

Nah, i've comfortably always felt myself to be bi, bc i saw gender as like, just another thing abt a person that had the potential to be attractive??? Rather than something that detracted from attractiveness??? Not something i have yet found the words to explain, as you can see 😂😂 seeing it in others though... I didnt even know what i was supposed to be looking for tbh.

I do have sexual urges/desires. I used to (and still do) read the most and the kinkiest smut and have the best biological understanding of sex and sexually associated things, but real life experience was very much beyond me and i was okay with that bc it didnt seem to apply to me anyway

[foldingfittedsheets]

When I was working at the sex shop I was pulling poverty wages. I loved my job but I was on food stamps and still barely getting by. When they hired the stores first male employee and he started at my pay rate after I’d been there for three years I quit.

I was initially really nervous when I saw the post for the mattress job. It listed a pay scale that I couldn’t even conceptualize and I appeared qualified. When I got an interview I was over the moon but also petrified. Reactions to my line of work often varied but most people were very embarrassed or skeptical. I worried about how I’d address it in the actual interview.

I lived far to the north of their headquarters and drove almost two hours to get there. When I finally arrived it was in the nicest thrift store clothes I could find, but I shrank inside to see a room full of older white men in nice suits waiting to be interviewed for the same job.

Why did I bother? I was decades younger than anyone else in the room, shabbily dressed, and I suspected I was the only afab person in the entire building. I stewed in my insecurities until I was called in.

The second I met my interviewer I was instantly put at ease. The man had the energy of a therapy dog, he was abound with positive, good natured energy. He was also incredibly beautiful. I grinned back at his welcoming smile as we said our pleasantries. But still. This very beautiful polished man seemed very innocent. How would the sex shop question go?

“I see here you worked at STORE?”

“Yes,” I said hesitantly.

“And that was sales? Or you just rang people up.”

“No, it was sales. I’d help people find products, we were encouraged to upsell, there was sales spiffs, and most importantly we educated customers on products to help them find what they liked best.”

He grinned approvingly and asked, “Can you give me an example of a time you successfully upsold a customer?”

I paused, wringing my hands before I asked, “How vague would you like me to be…?”

“Not at all!” He assured me. “Go for it!”

“Well. A man came in looking for something to make his fingers vibrate so when he was touching his wife it would enhance that sensation. We had cheap $10 cockrings that I showed him first. But we had a rechargeable waterproof one made of nicer material, and after I showed him a demo he bought that one.”

“How much was that one?”

“$110”

“Wow! You had an upsell of 100% from what he came in looking for! That’s incredible!”

He was so truly genuinely stoked and not at all embarrassed that for the first time I saw a tiny glimmer of a future where I didn’t have ramen and peanut butter tiding me over between paychecks.

He asked me to wait then came back to tell me he liked me so much that he wanted to send me right into another interview, if that was okay. He didn’t want me to have to drive back later, it was terribly considerate and exciting. I beamed and told him it would be lovely.

I then had the second worst interview I’ve ever had. The worst goes to the time I applied to be a store manager for a pet food place years later. The district and store manager interviewing me passed notes and texted while I was speaking. When the district manager called to inform me I didn’t get the job I told him I’d never have accepted anyway because I’d never had such a disrespectful interview.

The new man sitting behind the desk radiated an aura of a brick wall. As someone with anxiety I’m highly keyed into the emotional states of people I’m talking to. To receive no feedback at all was my personal hell. After a perfunctory greeting he asked me with no inflection to sell him a pen.

I gathered the shreds of my courage and attempted the Herculean task he’d set me. Through my whole improvised spiel he resisted all attempts at engaging him, regarding me with a cold apathy as I touted the benefits of my fictitious pen.

Halfway through I broke into a cold sweat. My smile didn’t waver but it grew strained as I projected friendliness and warmth into the black hole of his heart. My thoughts scattered and my sales pitch grew redundant in the face of his nothingness. I finally concluded with a hard close and he simply nodded.

He glanced at my resume and commented, “You didn’t ask me to touch or hold it. Though I suppose I can understand from your previous line of work why you wouldn’t.” I shriveled and died inside knowing that I encouraged people to touch dildos all day long and had been too frazzled to offer him the pen.

He bid me a cool farewell. I made it to my car before I started sobbing. I had never been so rattled. I couldn’t understand what I’d done to make him so unfriendly or if my threadbare clothes were what had made him treat me like dirt. I drove an hour and a half to get home, weeping intermittently.

I was therefore taken by complete surprise to receive a call the next day inviting me on board for their five week training program. The first man who’d interviewed me gushed on the phone about how the second guy had loved me and that I was going to be fantastic.

I was in shock. When I showed up to training the second interviewer was charming my new classmates, beaming and laughing. He was an utterly different person. To my dismay I learned he was the trainer for my district and would be my point of contact if I made it through training.

He joked with me later that his interview facade was just a tactic to see how people held up under pressure and I filed him into a category of my deepest enmity. I never forgave him for how small he made me feel that day, but I never showed him the depths of my fury.

I aced every test and went on to be valedictorian of the eight people who had survived the rigorous training process to earn a sales position. When I got my first paycheck I bought myself new clothes, the first non-thrifted things I’d owned in years.

[the-wandering-whumper]

Hello lovelies.

I don’t exactly know how to do this, but here goes.

You haven’t seen me around lately because I’ve been dealing with some pretty serious health issues. Turns out I’ve got this very rare genetic disorder that’s only going to get progressively worse from here on out. It’s called Spinocerebeller Ataxia, if you want to look it up. It attacks my cerebellum causing balance and coordination issues. And, as of right now, there is no cure and no treatment. It’s a terminal diagnosis.

I struggled for a long time trying to decide if I should tell you guys about this or not. Or if I should just slowly fade out of your collective recollections like a happy memory, but then I thought about how nobody in my real life really knows about this wonderful community, and how they wouldn’t know to tell you all once I was gone. And I couldn’t just drop off the face of the planet like that without some kind of explanation. And… well, I just really miss you guys, too

I have no idea how long I’m going to have. This disease is so rare and it affects everyone so differently, but I think doing some gifs and getting back into reblogging whump might help. So I’m going to try and finish up all the requests I have over at my gifs blog and get this blog active again.

I hope it was the right decision to tell you guys. In fact, I may share some of my journey on here if you’d rather unfollow me so you don’t have to read about it. This is heavy and I don’t expect anyone to stick around for it. But I also could have another 5-10 years, depending on how my disease progresses, and I’m going to make the most of it. It’s just going to be very hard fought. I’m disabled now and I need all the love and support I can get as I traverse this new normal. I can still work and I’m still mobile for now, but that’s changing fast. I start physical and speech therapy soon, and hopefully that will help with some of my symptoms.

I love you all so much and I’m happy to answer any of your questions over DM but, please forgive me if I don’t respond to many asks publicly.

Love you always,

Marie

[2tcs]

Danny’s Journal or A Countdown to the Beginning

Summary: A look into the year leading up to the accident from the perspective of a forgotten journal.

February 9, 2002

Dear journal. Mom and Dad said they had a surprise for me and Jazz when we get home from school. Please God don't let it be another ghost gun or something. My hair is still singed from the last one.

Update. It was, in fact, a gun. Jazz now has a mild burn on her arm and is screaming how they need therapy. Not disagreeing but I don't think it's going to happen.

February 12, 2002

Dear journal. Happy birthday. A year ago Jazz gave you to me for my birthday. How my parents haven't accidentally destroyed you I don't know.

Me Tucker, Sam, and Jazz went out to eat for my birthday. Sam even had her family driver take us a town over to try that new restaurant. Well, that's what their excuse was.  I think they were trying to get me out of the house for a little bit since Mom and Dad are going on a rampage through the house disassembling all the appliances. It's 10 pm and I can still hear noise coming from the basement.

March 26, 2002

I have the best idea for an April Fools prank. It involves chez whiz and glitter.

April 1, 2002

The prank worked like a charm. The jocks are going to smell like cheese for weeks. And they ain't ever getting the glitter out.

On the downside. Dash broke my arm and Mom and Dad put a “Fenton Anti-ghost Cast” on me. It kinda glows and makes my arm feel weird.

April 23, 2002

Sam’s birthday party was a glorious disaster this year. Her mom decided to do a princess-themed party. We have been preparing for this day since Sam found one of her mom’s work journals. We managed to sneak paint and glitter bombs into the venue before anyone got there. We even managed to get one on each of the chandeliers. It was awesome. Everyone got covered in black paint and red glitter. 

What we didn’t account for was Grandma Ida hiring professional snake handlers to bring in a bunch of snakes for Sam. The snakes were non-venomous and luckily were all caught after one of the rich people bumped into the table that the snake cage was on. And the paint was non-toxic so it was easy to clean off the snakes too without them getting sick. Still kinda feel bad that the snakes got caught in the crossfire though.

May 20, 2002

🎵Schools out for the summer!🎵 Lol this is going to be so exciting. Our last summer as middle schoolers. Nothing but the big leagues after this!

June 13, 2002

Dad wants to go camping for Father's Day so we're going to head out tomorrow morning. Think I heard them mention Lake Arrowhead. That'll be cool. Haven't fished there before.

June 15, 2002

I don't know how but we're in Gotham. Apparently, there's some stupid ghost conversation going on so we're going to be stuck here for the next week. On the pulse side though I found a really cool cafe not too far from the hotel. And they don’t seem to care if you just hang out as long as their not busy and you buy something. Me and Jazz will probably be spending a lot of time here or at their library. It’s huge and has an entire section of space!

June 16, 2002

Turns out I'm allergic to something called Blood Blossoms. Mom and Dad ended up having some guy try to cleanse me of “the evil spook” after I accidentally brushed up against the flowers he had on his table. Jazz had to convince them to get me to the hospital. Luckily one of the guys walking around had an epi pen. So that helped. Still sucks and now I'm stuck at the hotel while Jazz frets like a mother hen. I don't think she's even realized that she has a rash on her hand from when she threw the flowers away from me.

June 19, 2002

So… Batman is real… wtf? He apparently has some questions for Mom and Dad but they haven't come back yet. He apologized to me and Jazz for waking us up and gave us suckers? Which. Weird. And Jazz threw them away when he left because “stranger danger is still a thing even if they are a hero”. RIP little Root Beer flavored DumDum. You will be missed.

And on the other hand, Robin was pretty cool. He's snarky and brave and hilarious and he is just so cool. 10/10 New favorite Robin. He even gave me a book recommendation for the report I'm supposed to turn in at the start of freshman year.

June 22, 2002

We were supposed to leave Gotham today. We were supposed to finally head to one of the lakes on the way home to do some camping and fishing. We were supposed to have a relaxing time. So please journal. Can you tell me why the giant wannabe scaly just threw the GAV? Now we are going to be stuck in this stupid city for another week while Mom and Dad fix it.

June 24, 2002

I made a new friend! Do you remember that cafe I talked about a few days ago? Well, I met a guy there. His name is Jason. He’s an absolute lit nerd but is way cool. The guy’s got muscles underneath his school uniform too. The guy looks like he could snap me like a twig yet isn’t at all like Dash. Hopefully, we can keep in contact after we head back to Amity. For now, we are planning on meeting up at the cafe tomorrow with our favorite books. I found “Star Stories”at the library so I’m bringing it with me. I don’t know if he likes stars but I hope he likes some of the stories about them.

July 9, 2002

Finally back at home. Dad had smuggled fireworks into the GAV (how they didn’t explode when KC threw it in Gotham idk) so we spent the 4th of July shooting them off at the lake. We ended up going to Lake Erie for the camping trip because Mom heard something at the convention about a ghost hanging out around there. Didn’t see any ghosts but the fishing was good. I even caught a bass the size of my head! All around it was really fun! Oh and the stars were so clear! The Summer Triangle was so clear you could point out Vega, Deneb, and Altair! It was so cool! Did you know that Vega is in the Lyra constellation? Or Deneb is in the Cygnus Constellation. And Altair is a part of the Aquila constellation!

Maybe I should ask if Mom and Dad could get me another journal for charting the stars. I’ll need the practice if I want to become an astronaut.

July 29, 2002

It’s a good thing that I got two of everything when me, Sam, and Tucker went shopping for school supplies. I got a lot of new space-themed stuff but the moment I got home Dad insisted on ghost-proofing my new backpack… It melted. I don’t even know how he managed to melt a canvas bag. It didn’t even catch fire first. Just started melting the moment Dad started spraying his new “Fenten Ecto-Rejecto Spray” on it. Wtf Dad.

On the plus side, Sam found a new coffin backpack and Tucker was able to get a new bag that had a pouch that he can put the walkman he got yesterday for his birthday. He is so hyped about it. 

August 6, 2002

School starts next week and I am so hyped. Finally going to be a high schooler. Cool Kids Club here we go!

August 15, 2002

Kill me now. May the Gods strike me down and end my suffering. May the Faits find me lacking and cut my string. May the Crone tear me from the tapestry, the mother rejects my thread from the loom and the maiden take the wool of my youth and set it aside.

Sam has just informed me that that isn’t quite what the Mother, Maiden, and Crone do but whatever. Just know that everything sucks because apparently someone called the house phone and told Mom and Dad that there was a ghost in the school. The A-listers are blaming me for ruining their high school debut.

August 30, 2002

Mom and Dad have started making more noise in the lab than normal. It’s gotten to the point that Jazz has been spending more time at the library to study. Speaking of Jazz, she has been obsessing over self-help and psychology books lately. I mean. Jazz has always talked up therapy but now she’s kinda getting snooty about it. Sam suggested we start hanging out at that gazebo thingy at the park so we can get our work done on the nicer days. We’ll have to hang at Tucker's place though on the rainy days. Sam’s parents have decided that it’s time to put their foot down and get Sam to “socialize with your actual peers Sammy-kins so that you can make better connections and start networking” or whatever. So basically Sam’s mom doesn’t want her to be associated with us plebs I guess.

September 8, 2002

Mom and Dad repurposed the fridge so they could put samples in it. Apparently, the one in the lab broke. The green stuff in the tubes kinda creeps me out. Jazz is yelling at them about it. I kinda agree. Cross-contamination anyone? Think I’m gonna eat out at Nasty more often.

September 28, 2002

Either I’m going crazy or the leftover chicken and noodle soup in the fridge was moving. Like the noodles were wiggling around like worms or something. Jazz ordered pizza.

October 5, 2002

There are new wires in the house now and they glow? Mom said that they had some sort of breakthrough and are using the samples that they have to coat some of the tech in the house to “ecto-proof” it. Apparently, the ectoplasm doesn’t like electronics so they weren’t really able to mix it with tech too well. Some of Mom’s blueprints look like Star Wars blasters. Dad’s are less impressive.

October 29, 2002

Mom and Dad have locked me and Jazz in our rooms because of the “Ghost Menaces”. Me and Jazz have both taped warning signs on our windows so some brave trick-or-treaters don’t accidentally get hurt.

November 1, 2002

The signs worked but I saw Mom and Dad taking off in the GAV around midnight. Whatever. Me and Tucker did manage to reach a new level in DOOM last night so that was cool. And it’s World Vegan Day today so Sam is going to take us out to eat at a vegan place for dinner. I have no clue what Tucker’s going to eat. Well probably get it to-go so he can get something.

I found out where Mom and Dad went last night. The cops showed up and gave Mom and Dad a ticket for destroying a part of the park's water fixture. Someone had organised a haunted forest thing in the park and my parents went absolute ape.

November 2, 2002

Who told Mom and Dad about Dia de Los Muertos? Or that there was a little remembrance celebration/party thing going on today because of it? I’ve decided to make deviled eggs in protest of their chaos and have also bought candy skulls to eat.

November 18, 2002

Apparently, there is an Occult Day(?) and Sam insists we spend the day researching cults. Tucker has found a tech cult online that says there is “Techno Magic” and he is now trying to learn it. Sam has found a book of curses and has been giggling since she found it. Sam giggling is terrifying. I am concerned.

November 28, 2002

The turkey came to life and attacked us. Mom and Dad are blaming ghosts but me and Jazz agree that this is totally their fault for putting the stupid ecto in the fridge. At least the rest of the food was edible. I mean. It had a kinda glowing but I haven’t gotten sick yet. So yay?

November 29, 2002

So the food wasn’t good and I ended up getting sick this morning. fml Jazz is mad that I ate some of it. I am fully aware of what food safety is Jazz. But I was hungry and after the turkey, I was just tired and hangry. I had no clue you had ordered pizza so :p

December 5, 2002

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me! Nothing because my family is insane. Mom and Dad are already starting their yearly Santa argument. Sam and Tuck are both out of town to visit family for the holidays, Jazz is avoiding the house because it’s “disruptive to my mental development” and I’m grounded for yelling at Dad when he burst into my room and accidentally made my little Rover fall off the shelf and brake.

December 9, 2002

Mom and Dad’s insanity is ramping up. They almost never leave the lab now and whenever I try to bring food down to them they either just mumble and keep working or start arguing again. The whole in the wall has a frame now too.

December 24, 2002

I made a mistake when I brought Mom and Dad their dinner today. In my defense, I was just tired of them yelling about Santa. So I asked why they had hazmat suits but me and Jazz didn’t if ecto was so dangerous. Because if it’s that dangerous then the fact we have ecto in the fridge means that we should all have suits. Jazz is furious with me cause now our parents are making us try on our new suits tomorrow. I am terrified of whatever monstrosity they create no matter how “fashionable” Dad claims they will be.

December 25, 2002

It’s worse than I thought. Mine’s white.

January 15, 2003

Gods, I hate this. I’ve been sick for the past week and Jazz says we’re almost out of soup. I keep going back and forth between being hungry and puking up whatever Jazz feeds me. Mom says that she has some tea that may help but when Dad brought it up it tasted funny. It did make me feel a little better but it just had a really weird taste. Dad said it’s just because I’m sick so everything tastes funny right now.

January 19, 2003

Is it weird that I want to lick the ecto in the fridge? I’m pretty sure it is but it still kinda looks lickable to me. Like how you know that D batteries are not edible but almost everyone has licked one at some point?

Jazz just gave me a lecture about putting things in my mouth that I shouldn’t… Again…

January 27, 2003

Jazz scared me this morning. I walked into the kitchen this morning and just saw glowing eyes. Like a cat’s eyes in the dark. Jazz thinks I’m hallucinating from lack of sleep because of the all-nighter I pulled with Tuck trying to pass the next level on DOOM but I swear that her eyes were glowing.

February 9, 2003

I’m starting to worry. I know they're obsessed with their dumb portal but they haven’t eaten in 2 days. Jazz is planning on going down there and persuading (yelling at them) them to eat if they don’t come up for dinner tonight.

February 12, 2003

Happy Birthday to me. I am now 14 years old. Mom and Dad forgot it was my birthday again. They ran into the kitchen this morning because they completed their portal. They even dragged me and Jazz down into the lab to see them turn it on before we went to school. It didn’t work and now Mom and Dad are going to take a drive around town to clear their heads. They probably won’t be back until dinner time. Sam and Tucker are coming over after school though so at least it will be quiet while they are over. And I think Jazz is going to make a cake if the box of mix I saw her trying to hide from me yesterday is any indication. 

[thepersonnamedsam]

memories - mv1

pairing: max verstappen x fem!reader

summary: a trip down memory lane helps max overcome his biggest fear

word count: 1k

warnings: mentions of panic attacks/hyperventilation, the gas station

note: the first ever story for my 1‘000 follower special! finally

masterlist / taglist

Max hated the flashbacks. The times his mind played tricks on him - he hated it so much that he started to try and hurt himself to make it stop.

He stopped when he met you though. He was only 14 years old when he first saw you at the gas station with your family.

His father left him that day, sad and hungry. He heard you laugh before he saw you. But the moment you fell into his eyesight he forgot all about his worries - how to get home, how to face his father, how to eat.

You saw that little, okay maybe not so little, boy, standing all alone at a gas station in a foreign country. You had to go and talk to him. Ask him if he was alright. He wasn’t, but you made it alright with your presence.

„Max, do you remember the day we met? Hmm? It was a long time ago, over 10 years“, your voice quiet but steady. „Max, honey, listen to me; breathe in through your nose and breathe out through your mouth.“

Max‘ head laid in your lap. Your hands softly gripped his head and his eyes were fixated on your face. It reminded him of your first kiss.

You were laying in the grass of a field. Your head in his lap, his hands brushing hair out of your face. „Can I kiss you?“, he had asked softly. His heart was racing, feared of your rejection. But you had smiled softly at him and nodded your head yes.

His eyes closed and your lips touched. The kiss had been dry and warm. You felt his chapped lips against your soft ones. He was so gentle, afraid to break you in any way.

„Maxy, can you look at me, please?“

Max opened his eyes, he saw you staring down at you, the softest smile formed on your lips.

„Hi honey, you’re doing so good. Let’s steady that breathing of yours, hmm?“, you hummed. His head only barely able to nod.

„Alright, you remember box breathing?“, you asked him. „You remember the time I told you about my therapist and how she taught me this method?“

You had just gotten out of therapy and Max was waiting with his VW Golf in front of the building. „How was it?“, he’d asked. „Good, tiring. She taught me this method to regulate my breathing“, you told him.

„You breathe in for seven seconds and imagine the top line of a box, then you hold your breath for seven seconds and imagine the right side of that box. Breathe out for seven seconds again and imagine the underside and therefore you hold your breath for seven seconds again and imagine the left side.“

It had worked. For you at least. Every time Max was close to boil over he tried the box breathing - only to think back about the moment you told him how it worked.

„Honey, you’re doing so great. Breath in - hold - breathe out and hold again. Good. Can you look at me, Max?“

His blue eyes searched yours and he felt safe. He felt safe in your arms and would only ever feel safe in yours. You were his rock, his safe haven. You and only you.

„Hi Max“, you smiled at the boy. „Hi“, he waved back at you. „I didn’t think I‘d ever see you again“, he told you. „I know where you live“, you had laughed. „We brought you home, remember?“

His cheeks reddened with heat; „Oh yeah, thanks for that again.“ - „No problem, Maxy.“ He still wondered how and why you came back. He was a pathetic little boy. He was only successful when he won, but he didn’t, he was rightfully treated like he was.

But still, you stood there, smiling and looking at him with those hopeful eyes. And he knew that moment he couldn’t ever let you go.

„Good, good! You’re regulating your breathing, that’s so good. Max, you are in your drivers room in Abu Dhabi. You just got pole position. It’s okay, I’m here.“

Max looked at you and slowly sat up. He leaped forward and hugged you tight. He was glad to have you by his side.

„Thank you“, Max breathed out. „Don’t thank me for that.“

Max smiled lightly and you finally saw that spark light up his eyes again. His hand went into his pocket and took out a little red velvet box.

One last deep breath and Max bent down on to one knee and opened the box. The ring inside was shimmering in the light of the room. Tears started to form in your eyes.

„y/n, I love you, with all my heart. You shared my life with me for the last decade and I am so thankful for that.

From the first delicate notes of our story to the crescendo of shared dreams, you've become the symphony that colors my world. As we dance through the chapters of our lives, I can't help but envision the harmonious future that awaits us. With each step, I've realized that love is not just a fleeting emotion; it's the foundation upon which we've built a sanctuary of understanding and compassion.

So, in this serenade of time, I offer you my heart, an eternal promise wrapped in the delicate strings of vulnerability. Will you, with grace as boundless as the ocean, share this waltz of life with me? Let our love be the melody that guides us through the verses yet unwritten, and may our journey be a masterpiece painted with the strokes of enduring affection.“

„Yes, you little poet!“ And Max stood up and lifted you off the ground. Kissed you with all his emotions his little heart possessed. And he was glad to have you.

„Oh thank god, my biggest fear was you’d say no“, he breathed out. You giggled and kissed your now fiancé. „Why would I? I love you so much, Maxy. Is that why you had to hyperventilate? Aww baby, I’m so sorry.“ Max shook his head, quickly kissed your lips and told you: „I was so nervous, I actually wanted to propose in the garage, but here we are.“

°°°

@ironmaiden1313 , @topguncultleader , @biglittlesecret, @gulabjamooon , @lovelyy-moonlight , @peachyplumsss , @mistrose23 , @copper-boom , @love4lando , @champomiel , @serenityleah , @iloveyou3000morgan , @angelwithoutmywings , @elleeeee21 , @youkissedareaderinthedark , @mikauraur , @thybulleric , @lpab , @fdl305 , @mellowarcadefun , @teti-menchon0604 , @vildetry06 , @bibissparkles , @aurora-maria , @lunnnix , @sya-skies , @Buckywifeyy , @dakotali , @rechtrecht , @noncannonships , @1eclerc16 , @pitlanebabe , @sopheeg , @avengersheart , @thatsadsmallchild , @peachiicherries , @idkiwantchocolatee , @callsign-scully , @mehrmonga , @badbatch-simp24 , @lissyontour , @din0nugs , @elliegrey2803 , @gay-for-victoria-de-angelis , @10vely-yutazen , @daggersquadphantom , @azriel-the-shadowsinger , @i-love-scott-mccall , @darleneslane , @mikauraur , @heartmetaphor , @darleneslane , @ellswilliams , @thxtmarvelchick , @nataliambc , @dontjudgeabookbythecover , @hockeyboysarehot , @thehistoryone

[monthly-raining]

characters as adults

i sometimes throw up in my mouth thinking about my old art style im so much happier and expressive except i havent figured out how to add color lmaooooo

im thinking these are everyone in their early 30s

i think sophie would become a keeper... bc its literally in the series title... maybe emissary too? anyway i dont think shed be the happiest in her position but i think when she grows up she'll start to resemble oralie a lot. maybe some people will put two and two together but this might be eons after oralie resigns from the council and it becomes a little irrelevant at that point

sophie WILL go bald at a certain point when she has the biggest existential crisis

i dont know how to draw dex in general because i just dont have a clear image of who he is this late into the series... bc its been such a long time since book 9 and i havent preordered 9.5 yet

i think he might actually be the most successful out of everyone bc everyone seems to agree that he's a very talented technopath and he worked with the council when he was only a level three??? even if it was making sophie's circlet???? very impressive accepted into harvard 10/10

i love drawing biana shes just ugh. very gorgeous. cant tell if she'll live a celebrity life in the elven world or shed just mysteriously disappear for the longest time and have everyone speculate on what happened to the youngest vacker and she just comes back with like a billion luster book deal to write an autobiography of what she was up to and its basically her freaking out over the ugliest fashion trends ("i leave for three centuries and you guys make THIS a trending item of clothing????") bc biana will always stay biana

linh will cut her hair along with the silver tips. still do not know how the silver tip works. i love drawing her moles, i feel she just has to have a lot of them around her face. she volunteers for animal rehabilitation. she gives free seminars for young hydrokinetics to teach them how to control their abilities. what a woman

im the iffiest with his rendition but he probably grew out the silver tips with his sister and he toggles between keeping his bangs out of his face and keeping it down

weirdly, i think hed be a teacher of some sorts. maybe tutor for 5-10 year olds? i feel like hed be good with small kids

they get their ears pierced together. keefe's a little sadder as an adult. he also grew out his hair

fitz hasn't changed his style much

not sure why keefe is sad. i feel like the older he got in the series, the more sadder he got. it makes sense-- id be sad too. later on, he'll be happy again but i think seeing how long an elven lifespan is theyre probably still considered babies. he has time to figure it out

it'd be really nice if fitz became an author or journalist. i think alden should quit his job as emissary and write an autobiography. i think all the vackers should start journaling and not join evil organizations as a mode of therapy.

[sanzaibian]

April 7th

Hey journal !

This is going to be hard to write… but I’ve decided to write down my experiences in this little journal I just bought for like, $7 at the local thrift shop, so here I go.

So, I’m Jay Callaghan, a 25 year old student in STAPS, hoping to become a physiotherapist (hope when I read that in 10 years I won’t be embarrassed !), and I’m gay. Like, very gay, nothing in me for girls. But… let’s just say than in sports studies, being gay isn’t well seen. So I keep my hookups on the down low, and avoid talking about that part of myself to anybody else.

And to be honest, it really drives me mad. I’m always double-checking that I’m not too faggy for their eyes, I’m always fidgety when discussions shift towards recent “conquests”, and I feel like I just miss out on so many things. I mean, it has only been, like, a year and a half since I fully accepted that I’m gay ? But still, the impostor syndrome has never faded, and by now, I just want it to stop.

By the way, here’s a photo of what I look like :

Dare I say I look pretty hot ? Well, this just makes things worse, actually. Because then the guys are always like “Yeah, look at Jay, he must be pounding so much pussy” or something… I just want to scream to them that no ! I’m very much very pounded ! And that’s not to say there aren’t people drooling over me ! There are ! But they all hail from the wrong gender !

However, recently I heard about the brand new Conversion Powder by Eamora Co., some kind of drug made by that unknown pharmaceutical company. What’s special about this powder is that it advertises itself as actually being able to change sexuality, so to make someone straight. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wholly support LGBT rights and want for any kind of conversion to be willful – so, like, not conversion therapy. Plus, both the instructions manual and the few reviews I found said that the powder must be taken once a day for the effect to persist. So it’s not as if it was an effective conversion therapy. But… I feel like things would be so much easier if I was straight. I wouldn’t be in constant fear, I would feel included with the other guys, and I would just be normal for once.

So yeah. I just want to end this by giving out my opinions on men and women :

Men are so fucking hot, well-built muscles, with big juicy pecs and a great six-pack invites licking, the hose downstairs is the work of god, and I just want to rub myself against it, accept it in my mouth and in my ass. Women… are just women. I guess they do have pec-like stuff, but they’re just so stuffy, and big and all. Plus, they just aren’t interesting in terms of attractiveness ? Not to shit on them, but just not my thing.

Yeah, let’s see how well it ages. I’m taking the Conversion Powder right now.

The evening

Okay, so I think from now on I should write on the evenings, because this way I can recap the events of the day while they’re still fresh in my mind. Plus, when class starts again tomorrow, it’s going to be a pain to write in the mornings.

So let’s start with when I took the powder. As the instructions asked, I put it in a glass and mixed it with water, to drink. At first, nothing happened, but then I started getting a headache, and felt quite dizzy for a while. I don’t know how long, because I didn’t record myself, and I know that my sense of time probably got warped, but it did feel long. And then, it just cleared, like magic.

To be honest, it was very underwhelming. I thought that something would happen to signal if it worked or not, but I decided to still test out if it actually worked. So I opened straight porn, and there the magic occurred.

By instinct, I started by watching the guy, but honestly, he just felt boring at first. I tried to see how hot he was, because I could tell he was attractive indeed, but it just felt… wrong to think of him as attractive. Which was unsettling in its own right. But then came the woman, and let me just say that : she was heavenly. She had tanned skin that ran along her beautiful curves, skimpy black leather pants and bra that espoused her big hips and breasts, and long black hair flowing over her back, waving in such a tasteful manner ! My dick was immediately woken up in quite the surreal moment, and I couldn’t help my self.

I beat myself off furiously at her being railed.

And I don’t even feel bad about that. I even printed out one of her photos to remind myself of her… God, my dick is awake once again by once again seeing her !

After that, I must admit that I spent a lot of time gooning myself on all the stuff I missed out on when I didn’t like women. I even almost forgot to eat lunch !

The afternoon, I decided to go on a walk outside, to see if anything different happened, and honestly… once again, it was quite underwhelming. I really don’t know what I expected, taking this powder for me to be this underwhelmed ! It only advertised that it would turn people straight, and this is what it did ! On a technical sense. Because I may be, in fact, straight at the minute, but I don’t feel straight. I… don’t know how to articulate that, I think I’ll have a better answer to that question when I’ve spent more time on the powder.

So yeah, what I wanted to write is that, when I was walking in the neighborhood, I did have the same experiences as watching the porn : I felt it was weird to conceive of men as a subject of attraction, and I paid more attention to women, but nothing more, really.

Well, nothing much more to say, I guess ! I’ll continue taking it, because it doesn’t seem dangerous, and since I’m closeted it shouldn’t change much.

April 8th

This morning I took again a Conversion Powder, and although I did feel quite dizzy taking it, it was nowhere as much as last time. That does comfort me since if I do decide to stick with this, it won’t be that annoying after a while. I read up on how it works to see if these headaches are normal, but aside from the few internet theoreticians, I haven’t found anything tangible… Nobody really knows anything about it, plus Eamora Co. is basically a completely unknown entity, so I can’t really get to the bottom of this. I guess this here diary may be the current best source for how the Conversion Powder works ?

But the most important thing today was getting back to school. And honestly, there I found that the changes were more substantial. I don’t know if it’s because I have also been on it yesterday, but it felt much easier to get into the skin of the typical straight guy. I didn’t have to worry about seeming too gay, because I technically am not, meaning that the school experience was a lot more peaceful. I also felt more included during the locker room talks. It’s crazy, because when they started to talk about boobs, my dick just hardened ! They mocked me, of course, I felt quite ashamed, but a good kind of ashamed. Like I’m actually having a normal reaction !

God, here I am writing about that kind of stuff… Well, to whoever might read that (me included), I have a duty to present everything of note ! So you’re going to have to bear with the stuff I already know I’ll find cringey in a few months’ time.

So yeah. On that, I’ll go to sleep.

April 9th

Man, I want to cross out the whole section about the powder on the web I wrote yesterday. And also the “I’ll go to sleep”. I’m not talking to anyone !

But yeah, today, the Conversion Powder made the media rounds.

And the rounds it made, in barely a day ! We got LGBT associations speaking out for its immediate discontinuing, far-right think tanks asking for it to be included in all school and high school meals, and politicians scrambling to state their opinion. It kinda feels bad for me to be technically not aligned with the LGBT associations, since I’m taking it, but this was my choice. I’m deciding to become straight, and my current experiences point that it was a good one. I’m feeling more and more connected with my bros (yes ! I can actually call them that, now !), and everyone who I knew before taking the powder say that I’ve recently been in a better mood than usual.

However, I won’t tell others that I’ve been taking it. I was closeted, and I don’t want people to think that I’m self-hating or something… I guess I kinda was, but that’s not the point I was getting at. The point I’m getting at is that I don’t fit the new stereotype of Conversion Powder-takers that is forming, and I don’t want people to think I do.

Also, even if more attention has been shed on Eamora Co. and the powder, there still is no good answer to the questions I wrote down yesterday.

Better news, though : today when taking the Conversion Powder, I almost didn’t feel dizzy at all ! It’s almost as if my body has fully acclimated to the Conversion Powder. If it’s how it works, honestly. However… I feel like I don’t have anything much to say about that ? I know, I know, such an earth-shattering change occurred in me, and two days in I don’t have anything to say about it ? I guess reality do be like that…

April 10th

Yes, I didn’t write much cringey yesterday !

But yeah, nothing much happened today, as do Wednesdays usually do. Though I guess I must mention that on the bus there was a really hot woman, I couldn’t get my eyes out of her. After a while of me basically staring at her though, I noticed that she knew I was looking at her, so I looked elsewhere. I guess, now, I understand the straight male experience, since I indulged in the same kind of creepy behavior… that is something I’ll need to fix.

About Eamora Co., they put out a statement saying that their product is ethical, and does not constitute a danger for the LGBT community. Although I’m technically on their side, let me say I’m calling bullshit on that. Seeing how potent this powder is, it’s easy for bad actors to drug gay and bi people without their consent, and even though they can fight against this kind of drugging, this kind of practice could very well lead into them assuming they were actually straight all along.

Here you go, let me step out of my soapbox.

April 11th

Okay, so, you know, Abby… No, I guess you don’t know, checking back I didn’t talk about her at all in this diary.

So, Abby was (and still is) a good friend in my university. She doesn’t study the same stuff as I do, but we got to know each other in business management class. We hit it off quite well, even though I wouldn’t call her my best friend by any stretch (I had much closer friends back in high school), she went along well with my way of being.

But here comes the catch.

Now that I’m straight, I’ve noticed that she… is actually quite well-endowed. Plus, over the last few days I would even dare say that she’s actually… cute. I mean, look at her and dare not tell me that she’s not cute !

Okay, I do realize that no one is gonna answer me here… but still ! Diary ! Or anything ! Agree with me !

I think this means that I may be having my first straight crush… on who was basically my only true friend in this university… not the best look. But at least it proves that the powder converts both sexual and romantic attraction ! It’s a good observation to include in this diary.

So yeah… gonna see how it evolves…

April 13th

Oops, I forgot to write, yesterday !

So I just hung out more with the bros, it’s been so fun to just… chit-chat with them ! I feel like we have a real connection, like they get me, like I get them. That’s something I could never have had when I was gay, I was forced to just stay out of the loop with everyone. I’m glad I’ve decided to start going on the conversion powder, because now I can finally get to live a normal life ! … not to insult my former comrades, of course.

But with Abby… I must admit I’m not proud of myself, because I basically avoided her for the past few days… I’m getting so flustered when I’m with her, it’s really embarrassing, but now I fear she thinks I’m abandoning her… I’m also being so obvious ! Like, this morning Abby walked in front of me when I was hanging out with my bros, going to some kind of economy class, and I just blushed to hell ! The bros all clocked that I have a crush on her, and I fear she might too ! God, so embarrassing !

Tomorrow, since it’s Sunday, I don’t have class, so the bros asked me to go to the gym with them, and I’m 95% sure they’re gonna cook me alive for having that damn crush…

Help !

April 15th

I forgot to write yesterday again… I was so tired from the very intensive sesh that we had that I just went straight to dine and sleep, so give me a break, diary.

So, as I predicted… Saturday, the guys cooked me, and cooked me hard. They were like “why don’t you talk to her”, “you’ve seen her look”, “do the first move” and all, it was quite overwhelming while we were working out… But they were basically saying that I shouldn’t hesitate to ask her out, as even if it doesn’t work out there’s other girls to find…

God, this is the kind of advice that I would never have had if I was having a gay crush. Nobody would be there to be excited for me, they would all be uninterested to disgusted, and none could give me advice for how to do… because the only people who could would be the very kind I may want to woo !

So yeah. Out of my soapbox, today I talked to Abby… and I couldn’t do it. I chickened out, I didn’t ask her out… Like, I was just about to ! But then somebody let their coat drop, and Abby, kind soul she is, picked it up for them… and after that, my courage just disappeared, and I just brought up the topic of the Conversion Powder and the whole drama.

Yeah. About the Conversion Powder drama.

So, let’s just say that it got heated, and it became the controversy that everyone was talking about. I don’t know what my country will choose as a way forward, but some have already chosen to outlaw it… and the usual suspects have made it official “prescription” to “cure” gayness. I’m against both options, and although I think none will be taken by our government, they currently haven’t chosen a stance… I’ll keep a close eye on it, because I’d hate for my experiment to be cut short just because of them deciding for me…

April 16th

This time, I didn’t miss a day ! Yay !

So… I asked Abby out.

It was as if the stars aligned. Today she dressed in very hot clothes, and we had class together both before and after lunch. So I took the opportunity to ask her to meet with me at the park. But then, at the afternoon, it started raining… I was afraid that our meet-up would have to be canceled, but just before it was time to end the classes, the sky cleared up ! So we went to the park, and my favorite bench in front of the pond was free ! We sat together, and there, I asked her if she wanted to go out with me.

And she said yes !

God, it feels so good ! My first ever date, and not hookup !

I’m just buzzing with excitement, we’re gonna see each other this Saturday afternoon after class ! I’m already envisioning it : first we get together in a cafe, then we go to the park and visit its zoo at the same time ! It’s going to be perfect !

I’m so ready for it !

April 17th

So, I’ve told the bros the good news… and somehow, the conversation drifted on clothes, and we realized that I don’t really have any “date” clothes – or at least, not straight date clothes. They said that it wouldn’t go, and Terry and Joe took me this afternoon to the shops, as they said that, as “pussyhounds” they know what makes girls go apeshit. There, they encouraged me to buy a nice black dress shirt, dark blue jeans and a fancy belt, so now they’ve been added to my wardrobe. They also told me to prepare some cologne, a golden chain and a fancy watch, because they said that it’s the kind of details women always pay attention to, but I already have some of those, so I’m covered.

I guess I’m ready for my date ?

April 20th

Fuck, I forgot again twice to write in this diary. I guess I should only write in it when there’s something interesting happening, because I only seem to remember writing in it when something involving my newfound straightness happens…

So yeah. The date with Abby was magical. Never have I ever been more glad to have made the choice to become straight. When we met up, she was just fabulous. Dressed impeccably, in a way that, yes, made her boobs pop out wonderfully, but it also made her beautiful eyes twinkle, her luscious lips glow and her fluffy hair shine. And the way she walked, so agile, so dainty… Bro, there’s nothing that can capture how beautiful she is ! And she’s also so smart, and such good company ! We talked for hours, made cute poses in front of the animals, and even stayed together for dinner – although we went out to McDonald’s, not enough money nor organization to go to a fancier place.

Perfect ! Absolutely perfect !

This is the kind of experiences normal men have ! And they’re so much richer than anything these gay hookups ever gave me !

Taking the Conversion Powder was the best decision in my life !

May 4th

May the force be with you ! haha

It’s been two whole weeks since I last wrote in this diary, it was time for me to give you an update, diary.

The last two weeks have been hell, because it’s exam season. So between studying, working out and dates with Abby, I haven’t had time for anything ! Bro, even my dates were study dates ! But otherwise… Everything’s going swimmingly ! I’m pulling along with my bros, and my relationship with Abby is going wonderfully !

Really, I know I’m writing the same thing again and again, but ever since I became straight, everything has become better ! Like, I’m better as a straight guy than I would ever have been as a gay guy, I’m sure of that ! It’s… even becoming kinda weird to think of myself as ever being gay, honestly...

God, it’s so refreshing to be normal !

May 6th (the morning)

A bit of a weird update, this morning before my last exam, because… er… we had sex yesterday.

So here’s how it went. Yesterday, we had another study date, but this time at my place. It was boring, of course, but to get out of the boredom we decided to make some raunchy remarks in-between economics and anatomy. And it made us both quite horny… well, at least it made me quite horny, because my dick was just rock hard, ready to squirt by the end of the session… And then we continued the remarks, without interruption… I got closer to her, started touching her, she started touching me, and then the clothes started coming down…

And you kinda know how it goes, but for me it was special. Because I have a ton of sex experience, but none when it comes to shoving my dick in a hole. I did have quite a good time eating her pussy, wayyyyyy tastier tasty than dick mind you, and she did make me come by giving me a blowjob, but then came time to do the deed. I put my condom on, and then honestly… it was a blast. I came just naturally once I had my dick inside her pussy, I just thrusted, and thrusted and thrusted, a ton of times, as if I was plowing her. She was orgasming, I was orgasming, and when we finally came, we just laid there, cuddling, until we both began sleeping.

I’m writing that as she’s taking her shower, just after my Conversion Powder drink, so I won’t be able to write too much, but really… it was the best sex I ever had. Hands down. Really, it feels like straight sex has been designed to happen, unlike anal, blowjobs and all. God, I’m so glad to have taken the powder !

May 8th

Okay okay okay, BIG NEWS !

This afternoon, Abby and I went to a date in the park, and guess what – I mean, a diary isn’t gonna answer me, but yeah. Abby asked if I wanted to be her boyfriend !

It made me just so happy ! Like, finally for the first time ever I have an actual relationship ! I have a girlfriend !

I’ll announce it to everyone ! Well, I kinda already have, but I thought after that that I should write it down here. I’m becoming the model straight guy, and I couldn’t be more up for that !

May 19th

Everything is going for the best, a month and a half in ! (about)

I think I’m gonna stop writing in this book, because I think there’s nothing I can write in it that’s new ! I’m a normal straight guy with a steady relationship with my beautiful girlfriend, Abby, and I hope – and think – that we’re going endgame. Like she’s so beautiful and she goes along with me so well, you can’t understand !

I’m also bulking thanks to all the workout I get with the bros, here, look at that photo :

Oh yeah, I did decide to cut down my hair. It was so long, it was bothersome, and I already have Abby, so I don’t need to look attractive to anybody, just to her. Plus, it made me look faggy, even though I’m straight.

So yeah, you can guess I’m a living example of why the Conversion Powder is a good thing for people who want it ! I’m so happy, and I have found the love of my life ! It almost feels like it was meant for me to be straight !

So… goodbye, I guess ? Or to next time something worth writing about happens ?

June 1st

I thought I wouldn’t ever touch this diary again, but today I saw a ton of pictures on the internet saying happy Pride Month, and… it made me feel empty inside.

I remember last year when I went to local Pride, it made me feel so… not alone ? Like I was part of something bigger, of a community of people who suffer the same kind of things as I do. But when I see all those pictures, I just feel like it’s not talking to me. I don’t feel like I’m part of the LGBT community anymore, because I’m just a normal straight guy, and I guess it’s the first time I somewhat feel some regrets ?

Now, I looked at my local Pride, and apparently this year’s prominent topic is the Conversion Powder, trying to ban it, so even if I wanted to go in as an ally, I would be the embodiment of what they’re avoiding…

I dunno, I’m feeling very conflicted. And it’s not the kind of things I can really talk about with Abby, considering to her I was always a normal straight guy. So I guess I’ll write about it here when I feel like venting.

June 3rd

This whole Pride Month thing is really going to my head, I cannot help but think about it… I look away each time I see rainbows, I avoid LGBT news and I feel awkward each time I see someone being visibly LGBT…

But really, I think I’m being so obsessed by it that I’m triggering old memories of when I was gay, I almost caught myself checking out a guy… If I didn’t know I was on the Conversion Powder, I would have said I was living through a gay awakening…

June 5th

OKAY OKAY CODE RED IT’S CONFIRMED I’M SOMEHOW REGAINING MY ATTRACTION TO MEN !

It’s too much to only be Pride Month behind that. I’m actively being turned on by men… even though I’m taking the powder everyday… each time it happens I switch to a mental image of a woman, but it doesn’t seem to really do anything…. I’m straight, that’s for sure, but why is my body suddenly not wanting to respond correctly ?

Fuck, why am I writing this, it has to be a fluke, I’m sure… I must be quite horny, since Abby has been quite busy with her internship.

I’ll call her up, have some good straight sex like I should, and see if this fluke happens again tomorrow (hint : it won’t).

June 6th

It did.

If I could sigh on paper, I would. Trust me.

The sex was a bit forced, I’ll admit, but today when I went for a morning jog, I saw one of the most drop-dead gorgeous guy I had ever seen… He was quite muscular, but not too much, was tall, handsome, had great hair and a light dusting of body hair where it mattered. Plus, his pecs were quite prominent, it felt as if I could squeeze them and sleep on them, they were so juicy… Fuck, reading back I’m describing that guy like I used to describe guys when I was gay, even though I’m straight…

Tomorrow I’ll up the dose of Conversion Powder, I’ll see what will happen.

June 7th

Do NOT take more than one dose of Conversion Powder at once, learn from my experience.

When I took those two drinks, I had the worst headache I’ve ever had… and then I was hyper-horny for a good 6 to 8 hours, wanting to fuck women, fuck women and fuck women… I’m really happy I had nowhere to go today, since I just gooned myself to straight porn for hours on end, even forgot to eat. It was actual madness.

But then, suddenly, my horniness stopped. I was just… spent, sitting inside a mess of cumstains that were hell to wash out, not really understanding what happened to me.

I’m afraid.

June 9th

The situation did not improve, my attraction to men just kept coming back, to the point I can basically now call myself thoroughly bisexual. But I’m not under any illusion : my attraction to women is very likely going to fade at some point.

And it’s going to make me lose Abby.

I’ve also looked around on the web, and found that I’m not actually the only one to be “reverted”, as people seem to refer to it as. Apparently, it’s due to people being used to the drug : since it cannot actually change attraction, it only overwrites attraction. So it acts like a drug, the more you take it the less effective it becomes…

So yeah, I’m becoming gay whether I want it or not…

June 12th

It’s beginning. The end is beginning.

I feel it, how women are starting to interest me less and less. I’d rather be dealing with dicks than with pussies… I had sex with Abby yesterday, and I just wasn’t into it. It just didn’t feel as exciting, as wonderful as it used to be when I first had sex with her…

Even she noticed it, and asked if everything was alright with me. I lied about being tired because of training, but it will only get me so far… I need to tell her at some point, before it’s too late. But I just don’t have the heart to break hers, it would also break my heart to have to leave her… I really wish I could stay straight…

So much for being “normal”, eh ?

June 14th

This afternoon, we met for our usual Wednesday dates. And I gathered the courage to tell her everything.

I told her how I was gay, how I used the Conversion Powder, how I then had a crush on her, and how I’m slowly becoming gay again. I was so afraid telling her that. Because I absolutely was in the wrong, I kept her in the dark about an important part of myself, and I was afraid of her reaction… heh, it’s kind of my first coming-out, in a way.

However, Abby, blessed be her heart, took it in strides, and the only thing she became angry over was the fact that I decided to take the Conversion Powder… Turns out she’s bisexual, and is really against it, and I guess I became another example for her to latch onto to deem it unacceptable… We had a goodbye kiss, and I told her that I still had a few days of liking women, so we should do whatever last thing together as a couple as we can.

I’ll see what she has in store for me.

June 15th

Okay, today was wild.

Abby basically took a whole day off just for me, and invited me to her place. And I was barely inside her bedroom that she just came in with tons of sex toys. I’m not even sure where she found half of those… And so, we just spent the remainder of the day having sex in many a kinky setup… the last of my straight sex would be kinky sex…

It was great, I hadn’t had so much fun in a long while, especially worrying this much about the end of the Conversion Powder… and I feel that from now on I’ll know her body way too much for someone who will soon become her Gay Best Friend.

So yeah, a great way to close the straight chapter of my life. We’ve decided, with Abby, that tomorrow I’ll get off the Conversion Powder, and that will be our official break up.

June 16th

First day without Conversion Powder, and I’ve been in bed fighting the inevitable headache that such an action accompanies.

Abby was kind enough to come look after me, and it honestly felt really weird to look at her and feel basically not much happening in my dick. Only remained aesthetic attraction.

While she was here, I made her read this diary. It was quite a humbling experience, as she was basically reading through my heart. Her reactions ranged from laughter to concern, including a few realizations about our history together. I mean, I didn’t know she remembered the time I almost confessed to her but was interrupted by someone else !

She also told me that it was weird how I didn’t mention being afraid about the bros, and honestly… I find it also weird now that she mentions it. I dunno, when I decided to take the powder, fitting in with the bros was such a priority for me, yet today, I feel like I have such a good relationship that I wouldn’t trust them to care either way. But I did make a coming out message in our group chat, basically explaining the same stuff as I did with Abby. I’ll see how it goes, but currently Terry eagerly responded with a “I support you!!!!!!1!!!”.

June 18th

My headache was very strong, and I stayed in bed again yesterday, but by now I think it has passed. I didn’t expect the aftereffects of the Conversion Powder to be this severe...

I don’t think I’ll have much to say in this diary in the future, especially as I seem to be going back to the normal me. I mean, normal gay me. But since I’ve had a lot of time to think about this whole situation the past few days, I’ll write about my experiences here.

So, first of all, I’m glad to have made this experience of what straight life looks like. However, I also think that it was a mistake.

Basically, I think that when I did it, I took the easy way out. Pointing to an inalienable part of myself as being the cause of all my woes and then trying to remove it, it just shows a laziness from me. Like I can’t try and imagine what an actual solution looks like, I have to change myself before being able to fix stuff. However, I feel that this experience made me learn that I was actually able to do all the things I felt were lacking. Talking to Abby she made me notice that, aside from being straight, nothing really changed after taking the Conversion Powder, so all the things I blamed myself for making me look faggy just… didn’t. It was only me being afraid, and letting it talk rather than the rational mind. So all the good things I had when I was straight, I can just have them if I get out of the mindset that gay is bad.

So… yeah ! Although it still feels a bit weird to say, I’m gay, and I’m proud ! All my woes weren’t due to me being gay, they were due to me being afraid, so now I decide to not be afraid anymore ! I hope that whoever reads this diary (including me) will understand that they don’t need to take out a part of themselves to find happiness. They need to get over their fears, and only this way will the road to happiness will be opened !

Well said, love from the past ! -T

[ccswife]

Oh No..

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part 4: is it working?

previous

pairing๛: kate martin x iowau!reader

synopsis๛: kate catches you watching your saved edits of her

warnings: slight angst (barely)

not a lot of dialogue in this one, but low-key proof read :D

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It's sunday morning, and you wake up to a bright ray of sun in your face, peeking through the barely-shut curtains. turning over in your very, very warm bed, you notice the time on your phone.

as well as some notifications..

9:23AM

notification center

3 messages from bear🐻

[goodmorning star sunshine!]

[hows the hangover?]

[r u alive]

you reply to her texts and chat for a little bit. she admits halfway through your in-depth conversation about what you drank and what color your throwup was, that she didnt remember anything from last night. ANYTHING. your head was already reeling from the raging hangover you had aquired, and this made it ten times worse. you begin to play a game of eenie-minie-moe with yourself. "do i tell her? do i say nothing? do i ruin it? do i protect my own feelings?" after at least 7 minutes, you come to the conclusion to not say anything. hey, you know what they say! ignorance is bliss!

you climb out of bed and grab some clothes to go take a hot bath. bathes are very good on tense muscles, and aroma-therapy helps to ease anxiety, reduce inflammation and sooth headaches. it was about 10 when you hopped in, and you planned to stay there till the water got cold. after the fact, you showered quickly to wash the grime off and get the hairspray out of your hair. finally getting dressed into a comfy pair of sweats and a oversized shirt, you go to cook some breakfast. cooking breakfast always was a good thinking time for you, as it wasnt super busy in the mornings and you could stand there and watch the eggs or pancakes cook whilst contemplating every decision you have ever made leading up to that moment. todays topic was " what the hell did i do to get into this position with the girl i love!" and it did not dissapoint! feeling that the topic was actually taking years off your life, you decide to give yourself a kate break and call out of work for monday. you used the "im sick *cough cough* and i never take days off!" excuse and it worked surprisingly well!

after a calm morning and breakfast, you chilled on the couch and put on a random show for some backround noise. it was now about 11ish, nearning 12. scrolling through instagram reels, you get a notification that kate posted on her story. (yes, you have her story notifs on.) clicking on the notif, it brings you to her story.

you nearly dropped your phone.

another woman....hiding her face..... LUNCH DATE?!?!?!?!? so shes seeing someone? you've never seen this woman in your life, so obviously a secret. even from you, her best friend. honestly, it took some life out of you. with everything going on between you two, you didn't exactly know how to feel. did you deserve to feel like this, like you had been "betrayed"? part of you knew that that was a little dramatic, but nevertheless still very valid. if there was one thing that Kate and the girls had taught you, its that your feelings will always be valid, whether they change or stay the same. these specific feelings made you lose your appetite, and frankly the will to live. aggressively turning your phone off, you get out of the deep crevice you were shoved in on your couch and make your way back to the bedroom.

"and here, I shall lay"

you dramatically say as you fall onto the bed, draping a hand on your forehead as you do so. you opt to watch "Crazy Rich Asians", just to believe-in some sort of love, and cuddle up in between the sheets. half-way through the movie, you feel multiple buzzes from your phone. opening it up, you see a bunch of texts from a very worried gabbie and caitlin. they know what happened last night, so the story she posted as alarming to them as well.

shhhh🤫

gabbie babbie wabbie

y/n are you alive

sos

hello

caity baby

we saw kates story

obviously its not u cuz ur not tagged

r u ok

gabbie babbie wabbie

lil harsh there cait...

caity baby

whoops sorry

but r u alive

get out of bed

gabbie babbie wabbie

y/n🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

hello🥺🥺🥺

answer pls we miss you and wanna know ur alive

caity baby

y/nnnnnnnnnnn

after scrolling through the messages, you liked a few and explained you were ok, and that you took tomorrow off and are gonna lay in bed for a while. they remind you to eat and be good to yourself and you reluctantly agree and promise to them that you'll comply. finally finishing your heart-wrenching movie, you fall into a light sleep. periodically you respond to your texts, as kate had been texting you quite normally. this includes all the regular nicknames and stupid jokes she always made. you'd be lying if you didn't love the normalcy she was exuding, and that it didn't bring you comfort in your relationship. it just solidified your decision to not tell her about last night, in order to keep what you two have now. you were sure that you could shove all the feelings down and support your long time best-friend in her romantic endeavors (not with you). at about 7 o'clock, kate asked if she could 'stop by' and obviously you agreed.

IF you were being 100% honest with yourself, you were seriously nervous. you hoped that you wouldn't slip about what happened and how you felt about the insta story. at exactly 7:16pm, kate knocked on the door of your apartment and you graciously let her in, immediately being engulfed into a bear hug. she had the biggest smile on her face as she pulled back to look at you.

"hello beautiful" she tucks a piece of hair behind your earn, rubbing her thumb against your blushed cheek. "I missed you today! it feels like its been forever" she pouts at you, doing her signature puppy eyes.

you giggle at her and reply in a blissful tone. "ive missed you too katie bear, how was your day?" pulling away from you, she starts to walk to your bed room, you following close behind. " it was actually really good! I had a really good lunch today. you would've died at how good it was. it was some Italian place downtown." she draws out the emphasis on 'really', and continues to talk as she plops on to your bed. " I went out with my friend nancy, she graduated last year and is interning at a dental place by school" you join her on the bed. "oh yea? is she a new friend?" curiosity killed the cat, but you tried to be as discrete as you could with the tone of your voice. obviously since she was talking about it, she is open to the subject. kate goes on to rant about how she's her new friend, how they met at a coffee place, blah blah blah. then she gets to the surprising part.

"-and then after we talked about edits, she mentioned how she has a whole folder of them! I dont think ive met anyone with a folder of women's ball edits! it was so funny, and then she mentioned how there were a few of me in it! I laughed so hard I-" after she said that you stopped listening and internally crashed out. never met anyone with that?????? does she not remember catching you???? it genuinely boggled you how one of the only people that remembers every single detail about you could forget that. deciding again not to say anything, you mentally join back into the conversation and give her 'mm's and 'ohh yea's to let her know you were acknowledging her rant. the conversation slowly turned into showing each other stupid tiktoks and reels. both of your eyes began to droop, and whilst laying on each other, the two of you fell asleep.

and together you peacefully slept, blissfully unaware of anything else happening in the world

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a/n ◕‿↼ : wooooo finally chapter 4!!!! I finally got a laptop so this is way more fun and wayyy easier to do so im a tad bit more motivated. I know this one wasn't the most exciting and didn't hav much dialogue but there's a lot to come guys dont worry I'm cooking up some good chapters. love you pookies! enjoy pls🤗

[ech0schamber]

i hope your injury gets better asap!! but as for requests,, how about dazai/ranpo reacting to you waking up after being in a coma for a year(s)?

awhh, thank you :] and sorry this took so long, i totally forgot to check my computer lmao

and damn, jumping straight into the angst lets go

☆i just had to use this gif i couldn't find the one from oda's scene

☆ANYWAYS

☆you had been on a mission with dazai when you got severely injured, he had tried to get you out of the area and to a hospital as fast as he could, but you still went into a coma due to your injuries

☆he had tried his hardest to stay stronger for you, but as soon as he was told that you were in a coma and that the doctors had no idea when you were going to wake up, he immediately wanted to sob his eyes out

☆he got incredibly drunk that night

☆for the first couple of months, he visited you every day. even if it meant that he left work early to see you. for once, kunikida never scolded him about it

☆eventually, he stopped visiting as frequently. it went from everyday, to every couple of days, to maybe once a week. it got to the point that he would only visit you a handful of times every mouth. the longer you were there, the more and more hope he lost

☆during this time, his alcoholic tendencies got worse, he ended up hurting himself more, even his suicide attempts got worse and more frequent. everyone at the agency started to look after him, hell, even chuuya started to look after him

☆you had finally woke up from your coma, and you immediately asked where dazai was. once the doctors checked your vitals and made sure you weren't at risk for falling into another coma, they had called dazai to tell him

☆he was at the agency when they called, now normally, he wouldn't answer his phone, but he had saved the number of the hospital just in case

☆he almost broke down as soon as he heard that you were awake. he basically ran out of the agency, much to kunikida's dislike. (he understands once he finds out your awake though)

☆it took him like 10 minutes to get to the hospital bc his lanky ass ran the whole way there

☆the second that he walked into the hospital room and saw that you truly had woken up, the tears immediately started falling. he hugged you and sobbed into your shoulder for almost an hour before he could calm himself down

☆thankfully, the doctors had informed you that you were in a coma for over a year, so you didn't freak out when this happened

☆you had held him tightly the whole time, whispering reassuring and comforting comments to him the whole time

☆once he had finally fully calmed down, he gave you a big ol' smooch

☆he took a second to text kunikida to give him the news, and to ask for the next few days off, dazai was not going to leave your side. if the hospital staff wasn't willing to let him stay, they would probably have to drag his ass out of the hospital

☆but, for the sake of my sanity, the doctors were nice and let him stay :]

☆now, after being in a coma for that long, your muscle start to weaken and basically give out on themselves. i mean, you were stuck in one position for over a year, that to be expected. you are going to be stuck in a wheelchair for a while, your legs can't carry your weight anymore

☆dazai was very willing to help you with your physical therapy, he basically moved himself into your apartment to help you. he'd even leave in the middle of work if you called him stating you needed help with something

☆jumping forward a bit, you're on crutches now, and can walk around your apartment without much help now

☆now that dazai's head had finally fully processed that you were awake, he'd become clingy as fuck. he wanted to cling to you earlier, but he was terrified of accidentally hurting you

☆you got yourself a human koala now, congrats ;]

☆he is going to get possessive of you, he lost you for a year, he is not going to let you out of his sight for a long time. don't even think about trying to go onto a dangerous mission, he will trap you, and threaten his co-workers if they try to assign you a mission they know is dangerous. you are probably going to have to reel it in a bit, he can get very possessive at times, but it is because he is absolutely terrified that you are going to get injured and he won't be able to save you

☆please comfort him, he needs a lot of love after that

☆ohhh this poor baby

☆he knew that you were going to get hurt by taking this mission, and he told you that. you still went, ignoring his warning. he did not know that you were going to be sent into a coma due to your injuries

☆he, of course, stayed back at the agency, his job doesn't intel mission work like yours does, but he knew something was very wrong when you didn't come back when you supposed to

☆he was contacted by the hospital, as he was your emergency contact. he was absolutely devastated by the news. for once, he just quietly left. he didn't even tell fukuzawa what was happening, he only found out later when yosano had reported back to everyone.

☆he didn't go to the hospital immediately. instead, he went home and bawled his eyes out. he didn't know what to do, and it honestly made him fill like a lost child again

☆he visited you everyday. he didn't care if you didn't wake up from the coma, he would still visit you every single day

☆he cried. a lot. it ended up taking a toll on his mental health, everyone at the agency had noticed and started caring for him in your absence, he even ended up staying at fukuzawa's place several times bc he couldn't bear the thought of going home alone

☆anytime his phone went off, he'd immediately checked it to see if it was the hospital calling

☆when the hospital did finally call though? he shot out of the agency at lightning speed, his beloved was finally awake and he was not going to let them be alone for very long

☆he quite literally threw himself onto you when he finally saw you. the doctors were not to pleased by this, but neither of you cared

☆he cried into your shoulder for the longest time, clinging onto you as he was afraid that you would disappear into thin air if he let go of you, so there is no way he didn't stay with basically the whole time you were in the hospital

☆he'd also be very willing to help you with physical therapy! and he'd make sure you'd eat properly, you probably lost a lot of weight

☆literally made a rule that if he tells you not to go on a mission, you don't go on that mission. like, no one at the agency would let you leave for said mission, even fukuzawa wouldn't assign you cases if ranpo said that you were going to get hurt on them

☆get ready for possessive ranpo, he is going to make sure that will never happen again

☆will literally ask yosano to go kill a bitch if they lay their hands on you

----

while you can request angst headcanons as much as you want, please be aware that they are not going to be first priority! while i absolutely love writing angsty stuff, it's not always gonna be easy for me to do so

please don't let that stop you from requesting! i love to see all your ideas!

[v1xyboy9]

4Me 4Me - Matt sturniolo

♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱

♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱⋆ ⋆♱✮♱

Summary: completely ghosting your ex boyfriend definitely helped you get over him…right ??

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI !!!, use of alcohol, weed, and nicotine, language, tiny bit of smut, switch!matt x Switch!reader, uses of pet names (baby, honey, sweetheart, pretty girl), not proof read, lmk if I missed anything

Word count: 5.8k

You and Matt dated for a year and ended up on bad terms due to your jealous toxic behavior and Matt’s possessiveness. For the first 2 months of the break up yall stayed in contact and still acted like a couple until you got a fucking grip and completely ghosted him on the 3rd month. You started going out a lot more and making new friends even flirted with a couple guys but nothing was truly helping that bit of emptiness that you still felt without Matt.

It’s now been 10 months since you and Matt broke up and 8 months since you’ve completely cut contact. You stopped going out as much you really just focusing on yourself and fixing your bad behaviors making yourself a bit cold and distant with everyone in your life, your friend even calling you “heartless” at one point. And maybe also you know tattoo therapy….

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Tara invited me to her party that’s tonight and of course I said yes, it’s been a while since I’ve seen her or even went to a party period.

Its was currently 8pm and I’m contemplating going now that I’ve been staring at myself in the mirror or a bit to long

“Yeah no I can’t wear a dress”

Everything about it was just unflattering and too feminine I change into some baggy dark wash jeans with one of those black rave star halter tops that literally only covers your boobs and the rest of it is straight up string

I accessories with a black BEBE belt , black and white tie dye beanie, studded cuff bracelets, and to finish off the look some black and white DC shoes. I also make sure to lift my thong a tad bit so you could see it poking out of my waistband

“Okay now I feel better”

I definitely started dressing less fem and more masc over these couple months but honestly it’s a nice change I personally think it’s made my style better

I check the time it’s 8:30pm and my Uber should be here in 5 minutes. I grab my phone, my vape, my penjamin, and my house keys. Lock the door and happily go outside and get in my Uber

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Pulling up to Tara’s party you got a bit of a qweezie feeling in your stomach but just brush it off texting Tara letting her know your here and step out of the car thanking the Uber then head inside.

It was loud and surprisingly dark you try to look around and see if you recognized anyone…..JAKE ! It was always easy to spot him due to his height. You head in the direction of Jake but also looking around to see if you know anyone else, you see Tana in the distance with her bf, Johnnie awkwardly standing next to Sam while he talks to Colby. It was nice to see your friends again you couldn’t lie you missed being out like this.

You finally get to Jake lightly tugging on his jacket for him to notice you, Jake looks down in confusion but breaks into a smile once he sees you

“Y/NNNNN nice to see that you escaped prison” he chuckles and embraces you into a hug

“Please don’t make me seem like a criminal Infront of people that don’t know me” chuckles “but thank you I really have Tara to thank though, speaking of her where is she ?”

“I actually do not know but maybe the bar knowing her”

Chuckles “yeah you’re right”

You turn in the direction of the bar and sure enough you see her tiny self

“God damn y/n how many tattoos did you get within these past couple months, your more covered than me”

You look around confused for a second then realized you never posted about your tattoos when you got them

“Oh shit right dude honestly um I thinkkkk twenty, cause I have 28 in total right now and when we meet I only had 8”

“Your crazy”

“Says you you also have a fuck ton of tattoos”

“Yeah but mine are small patch work you’res is like HUGE”

“If you think any of these are huge then you should see my most recent tattoo it goes down my whole leg”

“Your actually insane now go see Tara cause she has something for you”

He lightly pushes the small of your back in the direction of the bar which you moved heading to where Tara is your anxiety spiking for some reason you take a hit of your vape and continue

Tara sees you coming her way and started squealing in excitement and runs to hug you and you hug her back of course

“Ughhh you don’t know how much I’ve missed you you really went all ghost on everyone for so long” she looks you up and down “like look at these tattoos most of these weren’t here a while go” she chuckles “you look so hot though maybeeee might get a guys number you neverrrr know”

You laugh at her teasing blushing a little bit

“Nono I’m really not here for that I just want to have a good time you know that”

“Hehe okay we’ll take a shot with me pleaseeee”

“Just one”

“Three”

“Two”

“Fine two”

“Give me a chaser bro I am not taking these straight”

Tara laughs handing you her Diet Coke “Go first”

I throw back both of the shots then chug down the coke

“Uhhh fuck I hate alcohol so much”

You Take a hit of your vape and pen

“Smoking is also bad for you, you know”

“Yes but I much rather kill my lungs then my liver thank you very much, also Jake said you have something for me what is it”

“Oh yeah um it’s not a gift or anything but more like someone gave me this to give back to you, open your hand”

You give Tara your hand while she places something in it

“Promise me not to get upset”

“I can’t promise anything Tara but I won’t make a big deal out of it”

“Okay”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

She moves her hand, it’s a ring and bracelet…. Matt’s ring and bracelet that I gave him when we first started dating.

“Well that sucks it’s the one thing I wasn’t expecting coming from him, give it back to him they’re his not mine”

“Give it to him yourself y/n it’s been 8 months”

“Yeah I guess right…”

Tara smiles a little

“Okay well let’s not worry about that now let’s have fun”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Nick pov

“MATT YOURE COMING INSIDE”

“NO IM NOT I BROUGHT YOU AND CHRIS HERE NOW GET OUT”

“I’m tired of your depressed self you never have fun, ever since y/n broke up with you, you’ve been MISERABLE and I’m tired of it, it’s been 8 months officially, tighten the fuck up and get over it”

“Matt you even got ready JUST GO IN you act like we’re gonna see y/n, I tell you all the time that women has CHANGED for the better at that. she doesn’t go out anymore she’s a homebody and on her work grind dude”

“I don’t understand why you still talk to her”

“She didn’t want too for the longest but I made her stay my friend cause I didn’t wanna lose a good friend cause of my brothers possessives and his own problem’s”

“She also had things wrong with her”

“NO SHIT MATTTTTTT SHES THE ONE WHO NOTICED THAT AND DECIDED TO END IT”

“Matt come on dude you’ll be with us the whole time”

“I do not wanna go”

“You are not about to miss ANOTHER Tara yummy party now get your ass out of the car, NICK GRAB HIM”

I hop out of car and open the driver door and pull Matt out the car while Chris pushes him out, Matt is extremely pissed off

“OKAY JUST GET THE FUCK OFF ME”He straightens himself out

“Okay we can go inside yall are so annoying”

“Wait Matt where is your ring and bracelet?”

“I guess I just forgot them”

“You fucking idiot”

I could tell he was lying it’s not hard to tell he always wears them and he was fidgeting with his hands way to much

My phone vibrated in my pocket it was from y/n

“Nick are you at Tara’s party ?”

“About to go in why !?”

“Im coming outside”

“WAIT YOURE HERE ?!?!?”

“Um yeah Tara invited me??”

“Stay inside”

“Now why the fuck would you tell me to stay inside?”

I look up from my phone to see y/n coming towards us with a confused look on her face

“Oh fuck”

My eyes dart to the side looking at matt for the second, she turns her head to look at him then tilts her head

“Oh That’s why, well I came to give you Matts bracelet and ring back but since he’s here”

She walks to him and places Matt’s bracelet and ring in his hand

“Next time don’t send someone else to do your dirty work Matthew I know you’re not weak like that”

“Y/n I-“

“You don’t have to explain yourself Matt I don’t need to know, it was good see you three, I’ll be going inside now if you’ll excuse me”

We watched as y/n walked back inside

“Now if I must say y/n has only gotten more attractive, holy fuck even the way she composed herself”

“Chris shut the fuck up” I start “well is that what you wanted Matt”

“Her tattoos…holy fuck”

“Oh my god your not even paying attention”

“I am I am but what the hell why did she only get more attractive and I’ve gotten less”

“Your not ugly your a very handsome boy”

“Yes a very attractive young man”

“Okay yeah but COMPARED TO THAT no dude I just fumbled”

“I mean not really yall where toxic asf nearing the end of it”

“Yeah but she’s changed”

“And you haven’t soooo let’s move on with this conversation and get THE FUCK inside please and thank you”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Y/n pov

I run back inside to find tara and grab her by the arm

“Matt is here I ran into him by accident”

“Girl huh how?”

“Nick told me he was outside so I went to give him Matt’s stuff but he was literally right there I just gave Matt his stuff of course but I spoke to him but I feel like I was super harsh with it”

“Girl breathe… talk to him literally what is the harm it’s been 8 months I’m sure he would understand also it’s not like you like him still”

Bats eyelashes blank stare

“Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me y/n”

“IM JOKING IM JOKING but I do wanna apologize to him for everything cause it was mostly my fault”

“Okay but wasn’t he like overly possessive”

“Yeah… but I always pushed his boundaries with that shit and was always insecure and made him not have any privacy like I definitely need to apologize to him more than he does to me”

“Instead of telling me that why don’t you just go”

“Heeehhh let me go hotbox the restroom and enjoy my first thennnn I’ll go talk to him later in the night”

“Might as well get another shot in while you’re at it”

“Ugh fineeee just because I know your gonna bother me about it anyways”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Its 10:35pm now your a bit more drunk then you would like and you where also a tad bit high as well.

You feel all sweaty and crammed now kinda wanting to go home now but you still wanna talk to Matt so you go to find him. you stumble apon chris first though he was sitting and talking to colby and his girlfriend Malia

“Hmm chris have you seen matt?”

“I havent actually why”

“I wanna talk to him”

“y/n youre drunk”

“Yes i know chris im not gonna do anything stupid trust”

“Hmm dont know if i should”

“He going into the bathroom right now” colby spoke up

“Hehe thank you colby also Malia you look absolutely gorgeous”

“Thank you y/n” she giggles

“Hmm of course”

You very joyfully head to where that bathrooms are and stand there and wait for matt to come out, getting more nervous you hit your pen

“You waiting for someone beautiful”

You look up and meet eyes with a guy youve never meet before, you look at him confused

“Random flattery wont work on me”“Awe come on you wouldnt dress that way for no reason”

“What are you implying exactly huh”

“You know what i mean look at you” he goes to grab your waist and you back up

“Hm okay well imma give you two options now. 1. Leave and dont bother me again, or 2. Continue to harass me and i make a scene”

“Awe come on a pretty girl like you shouldn’t be threatening no one” he went to brush your hair behind your ear but you slap his hand away

“Try some stupid shit again dawg”

“Awe what you think you all tuff i bet i could bend you over right here and fuck that attude out of you”

You spit in his face “lmao the fuck you think you are”

“YOU BITCH” he pushes you hard against the wall winding you

Just in the blink on an eye you see matt grab the dude by his collar his slam him against the wall “watch your fucking mouth and if see you put your hands on any women again ill wont just slam you against a wall next time, patchetic excuse of a man” matt lets go of the guy looking over at you worried then comes over too you

“Are you okay ?”

“Yeah i didnt feel it tbh im a little to drunk”

“Um can i jus-”

“Wait no dont say anything can we talk outside i really need to talk to you”

“Um yeah lets go to the van”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

You both head outside and get in the van at first it’s just silence between yall until Matt clears his throat so you speak up

“it’s been a while since I’ve sat up here”

“Yeah it’s one think Chris doesn’t have to worry about anymore”

“He must of loved when I stopped coming around huh”

“Only for the part he didn’t have to fight anyone for front seat, he misses messing with you he really sees you as a older sister y/n”

You didn’t even hear him you were too much in your head which lead to word vomit

“I’m sorry for everything, I was a pretty shitty girlfriend I never had trust for you even though you gave me no reason to feel like that I had a lot of mental health issues going on and I pushed everything onto you and it just became more and more toxic cause my jealously and insecurity’s only grew… I truly am sorry for everything”

There was a moment of pure silence which scared you a bit until Matt let out a light chuckle

“I see that you’ve gotten way better at talking about your feelings”

“Yeah it’s called get on anti depressants and getting help”

“Oh shit sorry..”

“Nono oh my god I was joking about the anti depressants, I am on ADHD medications now though” you laugh and how easily he believed you

“You’re an idiot”

“Youre a bigger one”

“Shut up”

“Hey, don’t catch an attitude with me Mister” you grab him by the chin making him look at you then let go

“Okay I’m sorry I take it back, but I do wanna say I still can’t apologize to you about how possessive I was cause well it hasn’t changed, I thought it was cause well I haven’t had any interest in anybody but no… seeing you again especially with other guys it gave the same feeling in the stomach that it did back then as well”

“Matt can I ask you something”

“Yeah of course ?”

“When we were together what was i for you”

He looks at you confused but then just sighs

“Everything. You made everything just feel so perfect nothing was bothersome anymore all my thoughts would leave my head I was just happy… anytime I was away from you all I was waiting for was you to text or call me once you weren’t busy anymore or asleep, everything revolved around you because I wanted it too, you felt like my true safe place… and when you ghosted me it honestly ruined me.

“Matt…”

“I thought it was some kinda sick joke at first but even Nick and Chris couldn’t get through to you.. it felt like my whole world crumbled down. After the first week I got a little better since Nick forced you not to break contact with him and Chris just because of me, I’m pretty sure neither of them told you this but sometime when you would call them they would have the phone on speaker just so I could hear your voice…it was the least they could do they said cause they felt bad”

“I’m sorry Matt I didn’t know it affected you so much…but I do remember on the 4th month of having no contact with you Nick called me at like 3am asking me if I could just get back with you could shut up but I didn’t know what he ment at the time”

He looked confused for a second but then it clicked

“I woke him up one night cause I couldn’t sleep and just complained about how much I missed you”

“You know I unblocked your number on the 4th month right?”

“Huh no what ?!?”

“Yeah I unblocked your number a while ago totally not to see if you would call me or something…but since you didn’t I just assumed you were over it at that point, it lifted a weight off my shoulders but now knowing that wasn’t the case, I’m sorry”

“Hm don’t apologize you didn’t know”

“I still feel bad” you pout

“Wipe that pout off your face you look ridiculous”

“Ugh you’re still so mean when I pout”

“Uh yeah your not a kid don’t baby yourself”

“I don’t even mean too you know that”

He laughs resulting in you taking a hit of your cart and exhale in his face, he waves the smoke out of his face

“Rude”

“YA MOTHER, actually I take that back I love your mom so much”

“She actually asked about you last week well she asked Nick not me”

“Awe did she really?”

“Yeah she asked when you would come to visit her in Boston”

“What yall tell her?”

“Nick told her that he would ask you”

“He never did ask”

“Oh well um when would you wanna go see her and dad?”

“Next time yall take the trip out there I’ll go with yall”

A huge smile plasters across Matts face, he uses his hand to cover his face trying not to seem more happy then he needed to be

“Yeah okay, I’ll let Chris and Nick know and we’ll figure out a week to go”

“Okay perfect, I’m actually kinda excited I haven’t been in forever”

“Does this mean we’re back to being friends?”

“Absolutely” you give him a bright smiles “just make sure to not go back into bad habits, I’ll make Nick go off on you”

“Yeah yeah whatever”

“I’m serious Matthew”

“I promise I won’t go back to my old bad habits”

“Pinky promise”

I hold my pinky out so Matt can interlock his but got distracted by the feeling of the car door opening behind me, it was Chris

“UGHHHAHHHHHH MOVE”

“Chris back now don’t even start”

“She just came back and I already have to sit in the back”

“She’s a women she gets front, go”

“Ughhh”

Chris dramatically closes the door with a big huff then gets in the back with Nick

“Sorryyyyy”

“You’re not sorry you have a full smile on your face”

I couldn’t help but giggle, I missed this to be honest.

“Okay let’s get y/n home and then call it a night huh”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Almost 4 months have passed since the party, you started hanging out with the triples more often even if it was just to sit in there house and do work, Nick wanted you up and out of your house even making you run errands with him and Matt just like yall use to. You were mostly with Nick and sometimes Chris for the first 2 weeks but gradually starting hanging with Matt more often weither it be watching a movie together or just talking about a topic over a meal.

After a month has passed yall started going on night drives together sometimes it wouldnt even be days you were at the house he would just randomly come by your place and tell you to come downstairs. Matt always knew you enjoyed listening to music and driving around at night and it was a nice way to catch up more, matt even opened up a bit more about his insecurities and internal struggles

Now going into a new month the boys planned a trip to Boston to visit their parents and of course you’re going along, you’re currently all packed and waiting for Matt to get to your place your legs bounce with anxiety but also excitement, you haven’t seen there parents in a while

Soon enough Matt texted you that they were here, you quickly headed downstairs seeing the van putting your luggage in the back you could hear Matt screaming at Chris to get in the back, Chris gets out of the front with a huff and gestures at you the get in

“Let’s go passenger princess we don’t have all day we have a flight to catch”

“Chris just shush”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

It’s now 6pm, trip there was nice no difficulties or anything except for Chris trying to scare you while on the plane resulting in Nick and Matt silently yelling at him cause he made you scream super loud by accident. once getting through all the airport security and whatnot yall where finally able to get outside, Nick ordered a Uber for yall while yall waited. You’re still a little tried leaning your head on Matt’s shoulder

“Y/n?”

“Hmm?”

“You okay?”

“Mhm just still tired, sorry”

“It’s okay, you can take a nap in my room when we get to the house yeah?”

“Can we eat first?”

“Mom knows we’re coming she said she’s making us dinner so you’ll eat don’t worry”

He tucks your hair behind your hair and kisses the top of your head, only recently he started being physically affectionate with you again and your fine with it he knows your boundaries

Soon enough the Uber gets there and yall head to the sturniolo household

Once there the boys head in first and you follow behind them, Mary Lou ignored the boys and engulfed you into a big hug

“Ohh honey how have you been”

“I’ve been good, how have you been?”

“Oh honey you know the same old same old nothing new around here, I’m glad to see you again I thought I wouldn’t see you again after Matt told me yall broke up”

“I thought the same thing to be honest but everything is worked out now, I’m glad to see you again and doing well”

“Same to you”

“Ayeeee look who it is, my daughter in law that’s technically not my daughter in law anymore but still definitely is to me”

You laugh at jimmys comment before he gives you a small squeeze

“It’s nice to see you again sweetheart”

“Same to you”

“Okok whatever y/n isn’t important what about your sons?”

Of course Chris had to speak up, you see Matt rushing back downstairs you didn’t even see him go upstairs

“Your stuff is in my room if you need anything”

“Thank you Matt”

“Mhm of course”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

It’s been 3 days since yall have been in Boston it’s been a lot of family time and catching up, you’ve been sleeping in Matt’s room on his bed while he continues to protest to sleep on the couch in the living room even though youve told him multiple times that its okay for him to sleep with you.

Its currently 8pm on a wednesday evening its just you and matt in the house chilling in the living room. mary lou, jimmy, chris, and nick went out to a small get together with friends. Matt didnt wanna go out which is common, you stayed because well your not from boston and dont know anybody theyre going out with plus you really wanted to catch up on your reading since your behind.

You get up from the couch to stretch

“Imma go take a quick shower”

“You showered yesterday though?’

“Imma just wash my body off not like im washing my hair”

“Hm okay have fun”

“I guess??”

You giggle as you walk away genuinely wondering why he seemed annoyed by you going to take a shower. You clip your hair back then grab some jammies and your hygiene stuff then go to the restroom to take your quick shower. You lied about the the quick shower you actually ended up doing an everything shower minus your hair cause you felt like it, it still wasnt super long only 20 minutes. After drying off you slip on your black lace panties and your junji ito PJ pants over them, tossing on a black spagettii strap not bothering to put a bra on, You also do your skin care then clean up and head back to matts room putting your dirty clothes in the basket you and matt are sharing for the time being.

You grab your headphones, penjamin, reading glasses, and book from your bag then get comfortable on matts bed putting in your headphone and connecting them to your phone choosing your reading playlist, opening your book placing the book mark next to you and put your glasses on, finally taking a blinker cough your lungs out a bit and now ready to get completely immersed in the book.

Its been 20 minutes since you finished showering matt figured you would comeback downstairs once your done but youve been gone for 40 minutes now and it was bothering him so he went upstairs to his room to see you peacefully reading on his bed not even noticing that he walked in, he decided not to bother you and just grabbed clothes so he could go shower as well leaving you be for now until he was done.

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

I picked up my phone to check the time its 7:27pm youve been reading for a little over an hour now, you take a quick stretch then sit back down to continue reading

“Damn you still reading?”

“Oh hm?”

I look up from my book and see Matt shirtless with grey sweatpants on and damp hair. I could feel my face heating up

“I came In here earlier and you were reading I figured by the time I finished my shower you would be done, didn’t know you wear glasses though when did that start”

“Oh. Um they’re just reading glasses I’ve had them for a while now but I never really read but now I use them all the time”

“Can you look at me and point your finger up”

Confused but curious I do as he says, he takes a picture and starts laughing

“You’re so cute”

“Oh shut up, let me see”

“I’m being serious”

He walks over to me showing me his phone with a stupid smile on his face

“I look so stupid”

“Erm actually looking ahh”

“SHUT UP”

“I’m kidding I’m kidding, I think you look very beautiful with your glasses”

He places his hand under my chin making me look up at him threw my glasses

“Don’t look at me with those eyes sweetheart”

“Maybe keep your mind out of the gutter, I’m just looking at you Matt”

He chuckles and lets go of my chin

“Well I’m headed back downstairs enjoy the rest of your night”

“Matt for the love of god can you just stay up here with me”

“Naw naw I don’t wanna bother you”

“Matthew Bernard sturniolo please stay with me”

I don’t know why I’m begging, but I just wanted to be with him I wanted it to feel like old times I don’t want him to put that space between us anymore, I just want him again.

“Are you sure?”

“Matt I swear to god-“

“Okok I get it I’ll stay”

“Okay, I’m almost done with with book though so give me like 5 minutes”

The moment I pick up my book he takes it from my hand and places it in a higher spot where I can’t reach

“You’re done reading cause I’m bored and cause I said so”

“Fine”

I take off my glasses as Matt crawled into bed with me, cuddling closer to him he wraps his arm around me and plays with my hair

“What’s going on sweetheart, what’s going through your head”

“Nothing why do you think that ?”

“Well it’s just that this is the first time we’ve done this In a long time so you know”

“I just wanna be close to you I don’t know, I’m comfortable around you”

“Glad I make you feel comfortable”

He kisses my forehead continuing to run his fingers through my hair, I drape my arm over his chest scooting myself closer to him

“Matt.”

“Yes?”

“Is it bad that I don’t wanna let you go ever again”

“No, cause neither do I. You’re so important to me on so many levels just those 8 months alone went to show me that I was miserable without you”

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t apologize, you did what you had to do and guess what you learning and progressing also helped me out you know”

Just watching him talk made you smile, Matt in general makes your heart feel warm

“Matt can you kiss me?…”

“Woah..y/n I-“

“Nevermind sorry that was to mu-“

Matt cups my cheeks and places a small peck on my lips then looks at me for reassurance, I nod my head. He pulls me into another kiss it’s slow but passionate just like it’s always been, I began to move myself from my side to the middle to straddle him, my thighs on either side of his body directly placed above his slowly but surely growing erection. I break the kiss, Matt places his hands on my thighs looking up at me

“Are you sure about this”

“If I wasn’t I would tell you”

“Hmkay just making sure baby, is it okay if I mark you”

“Only if they’re hidden”

“Can I make just one of them noticeable?”

“If you buy me the pair of shoes I’ve been wanting”

I said it as a joke cause Osiris NYC 83 skate shoes are 1. Expensive and 2. Lowkey hard to find especially the color ways I want. Seeing a smile spread across Matt’s face told me that he already bought me the shoes and I should have come up with a better deal.

“Whatever your thinking in your pretty little head in correct”

He flipped us over him now being on top of me

“Safe word is meatball”

“Matthew you’ve gotta be kidding me”

He chuckles and kisses my neck

“I’m joking sweetheart gosh, you know it’s always been strawberry nothing has changed”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

He carefully takes the clip out of your hair throwing it across the room, he kisses the side of your lip slowly going down peppering kisses over your neck he lightly bites down on your collarbone earning a whimper out of you

“Ow Matt”

“Sorry baby”

He kisses where he bit soothing his hand over it with his other hand slipping it under your shirt

“Can I take this off?”

You nod your head

“Words sweetheart”

“Yes”

“Arms up”

He easily slips your shirt off again tossing it across the room

“No bra?”

“Shut up”

“Yes ma’am”

He kisses down your chest to stomach leaving marks every once in a while, coming back to your lips giving you a small peck

“My pretty girl”

Your face heats up in embarrassment making you cover your face with your arms

“Awe come on don’t do that baby, let me see your pretty face”

You put your arms down

“There’s my beautiful girl”

“Matt just fuck me”

He chuckles “your so impatient I’m just admiring you honey, it’s been too long also just look at these beautiful tattoos on you”

He traces the stars that go down your left ribs, you squeeze you thighs together at this point everything Matt is doing just feels like teasing

“Do you really need me that bad”

“Oh shut the fuck up”

Matt slides his finger under your waist band

“When is the last time you’ve came y/n”

“Matt don’t make me answer that”

“No I wanna hear the answer”

“Matthew”

“Yes sweetheart”

You sighed knowing damn well he wasn’t gonna let it go

“The week before I ghosted you”

“Hm that was also the last time we had sex isn’t it?”

“Yes now shut up and just fuck me Matt please”

“At least you said please”

He quickly pulls down your bottoms panties included, Kissing down your stomach once again until reaching your pussy giving it a light peck

“Already wet huh?”

You close your legs around his head, you notice his eyes scanning over the tattoo on your under right thigh

“Yeah and what your gonna do about it ??”

“Eat you the fuck out”

(I would write full smut for yall but I’m genuinely so bad at it..)

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Now naked cuddling in bed together watching SpongeBob while Matt plays with your hair making you doze off a little

“You tried sweetheart?”

“Kinda”

“Let me get some clothes on you then we can sleep yeah?”

“Yeah”

Matt grabs you a pair of his boxers and a shirt of his

“You got it or want me to do it”

“I’ll do it just throw on some boxers please, I love you and your body and your dick very much but please cover it up”

“Repeat what you said”

“Throw on some boxers please”

“After that”

“I love you?”

“I love you too”

He puts on his boxers while you slip on your as well and put his shirt on, he lays back in bed tacking you in the process

“Does this mean we’re back together?”

“Don’t rush it pretty boy ask me again in the morning and I’ll say yes as of right now though let’s sleep”

“I love you so much”

“I love you too Matt, I won’t leave you again I promise”

“You better you know much I hate when you leave, just stay”

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

Ragghhh hihiiii um this is kinda an authors note i guesss sorry if this is kinda wack shit I had writters block for 8 months and this is my first writing coming out of it so be nice 3:

[yutafrita]

Hii Nat! Im new to your account but found you through your yuta taking yn to japan oneshot (SO CUTEEE IM IN LOVE) I wanted to request a challengers au with johnjae x yn could be smutty or whatever (lool) love ya ❤️❤️

Omg hi welcome to my account!! And wow what a throwback that one was so fun. Well, I hope you like the rest of my account AND i hope you enjoy the small req :) thanks for sending it in! Sorry it took forever :(

Word Count: less than 1K

Warnings: Swearing, adultery, sexual situations/ references, small potential dubcon, oral (femme receiving), reader is the worst

Permatag! @nini0620

[10:58 pm]

You frowned. The tv was mocking you. You wished you could shove your arm through the glass and yank out the newscaster.

“At this rate, I don’t think there’s anyone who could take her down.”

You did. You beat her that girl without even breaking a fucking sweat. Yet, here you were, years later, glaring at the shitty tv while someone you hadn’t even considered a blip on your radar all those years ago was showering in her grand slam win.

Your knee ached. Another reminder of your injury.

You took a sip of your seltzer water. It was well past ten pm. Jaehyun was sleeping already- you'd have knocked him out if he wasn't. He needed to be awake by 5 the following morning, and as his coach so did you.

The engagement ring that used to belong to Jaehyun's grandmother glistened in the dim hotel lounge. You huffed. You set the glass down, prepared to simply go upstairs, shower, and climb into bed with your fiancé.

You felt eyes watching you.

You looked to the right of the TV, your eyes meeting that of your fiance's former best friend.

"What are you doing here?" Johnny was smiling like a buffoon, his hair longer than you would have liked and his shirt covered in sweat stains.

"Jaehyun’s at the tournament."

Johnny didn't respond to this, instead he let his smile drop as his eyes caught the ring on your left hand. He moved towards you as if the diamond was a siren calling him before he sat down at the empty seat across from you.

"It was his grandmother's," was what you settled on. A part of you knew you should tell Johnny to fuck off. Not only was he Jaehyun's competitor, but he was also your ex.

He was the reason you can't play tennis anymore.

Your knee ached again.

"How is she doing?" Johnny asked. It had been so long since had seen either of you. When you two had broken up, Jaehyun's grandmother was still kicking.

"She died a few years back."

"Do you love him?" his eyes finally removed themselves from the ring to meet your gaze.

"Why do you care? You two aren't friends anymore."

Johnny, instead of scowling and snapping like a normal person, chuckled lightly as he allowed his eyes to wander all over your form.

"Do you want to go outside for a smoke?"

"I stopped smoking in college."

"So you don't want to go outside together?"

You furrowed your eyebrows at this.

“We’re engaged.”

Johnny’s smile dropped, “We.”

He repeated that word, his face contorting as if the word itself was heavy on his tongue.

Even disheveled, clearly having just finished practicing, Johnny was handsome. More than that, even. He had fully grown into his height. Before, when he would sit idle a hunch would form as if to shrink himself smaller. Now, he sat tall as he studied your face.

You looked past his face at the tv in the lounge. They were playing highlights from Jaehyun’s match, and the match from that bitch.

“I need to be back in an hour.”

“Baby, for you, I’ll make do with anything.”

******

Johnny was just like you remembered. His shoulders were broader now, the motel he was staying at was just as cheap as you anticipated, and he fucked you until you saw stars.

“You got back late,” Jaehyun noted the following morning. He already was drinking his green juice once he finished his physical therapy.

“I had to finalize your Aston Martin ad,” you replied briskly. You checked the time on your watch- ten minutes until you had to go.

You would feel remorse for what you did if Jaehyun didn’t play like shit yesterday.

“Ah,” he nodded before his face flinched.

“What is it?” You asked, having caught the frown that appeared between you scheduling your ride to the courts.

“You… maybe it’s just the lobby,” he muttered to himself.

“Jaehyun? Get it together man you’re going up against Nakamoto today,” you rolled your eyes, stood up from the coffee table and maneuvered to the door of the hotel room.

“You smelled like this cologne I used to wear in high school. That’s all,” Jaehyun spoke up now, seemingly more confident. You hesitated slightly as you grabbed your shoes by the door, but it was so small you knew he didn’t catch it.

“It was probably just the smell of the hotel lounge.”

Johnny was such a loser. Of course he was still wearing the same cologne from high school. Of course Jaehyun also wore the same cologne back then, too.

The rush of people before a tennis match always sent a thrill down your spine. You walked closely next to Jaehyun, reminding him of each small issue you caught from his match yesterday.

“Remember Nakamoto gets frustrated easily, so you just need to survive longer before he starts slipping. He always is far weaker in his last sets,” you were mentally going over your notes after your previous review of Jaehyun’s competitor.

“Good luck out there, Jae,” his voice was fleeting, but the two of you made eye contact with Johnny who sent a wink your way before purposefully bumping shoulders with Jaehyun.

The two of you slipped into the room Jaehyun was assigned prior to the match, a small window high above Jaehyun’s head.

“Do you feel pre-?” you were cut off.

“You fucked him, right?” Jaehyun’s voice was so soft, you almost didn’t hear it as you were shuffling through your bag.

“Jaehyun, what are you talking about?” You lied through your teeth, taking out his protein bar. His gaze narrowed.

“I smelled his cologne while he walked past us,” Jaehyun snapped. You blinked quickly, not responding as you watched his breathes get heavier.

“You barely won yesterdays match. You’re gonna lose.”

Your shitty reply did it. He spit out his gum onto the floor and tore your purse off your lap.

“Jaehyun!”

He didn’t respond, instead shoving your hands aside as he snatched your panties off, leaving you in your tennis skirt on the wooden bench

“I’ll show you I’m better, and I’ll kick Nakamoto’s fucking ass,” he was knelt down in front of you, his eyes determined. You didn’t respond. You just slowly opened your legs, and allowed him to bury his face between them.

Finally, some fire in Jaehyun you thought as you stifled a moan. He hadn’t been this aggressive in a while. Maybe his anger would let him play a good fucking game of tennis.

[genderqueerdykes]

okay.

I’ve never seen your blog before now, and I don’t follow you.

but oh my fucking god thank you so much

as an it/its user (not my primary but I still wish people would use them) thank you so much. I’ve seen your posts on people disregarding it/its pronouns users because they just don’t want to use them and I just

thank you thank you thank you for talking about it

sorry if this makes no sense, it’s 9pm where I am and I spent all day at marching band practice so I’m extremely tired

thank you for your kind words! i really appreciate it!

i appreciate knowing how many other it/its users needed that to be said and how it has positively affected a lot of people. it's never okay for someone to put their personal discomfort over a set of pronouns over someone else being referred to correctly. this is misgendering. this is transphobia

it doesn't matter if the pronouns are "weird" or "uncommon"

i've gotten a lot of really fucked up asks about this and i'm going to keep talking about it because peoples' excuses for why they proudly and gladly misgender other people and refuse to use their pronouns are so petty and never that person's fault. it's never that person harming them, it's always that person projecting their trauma on to the it/its users. it's exhausting to read because nobody does this for he/him or she/her. it's specifically an issue with it/its beceause people overscrutinize it to hell and back and act like because they participated in the mental olympics over this one set of pronouns that they're right about it. they're not. they're rude, and anal.

people get stuck on the "it's dehumanizing" thing. this is such a divided argument, because for many people, they enjoy the dehumanization aspect of it, because they are nonhuman on some level. enough people are aware of otherkin, therians, and so on that i want people to understand that for some people this is a good thing and it is a desired effect. if you are uncomfortable with that, it's up to you to get past that, or learn to understand that you are not under attack because you are referring to someone else in a way that makes them happy and comfortable

other people just do not find it dehumanizing at all and that's fine. people often refer to babies and children with it/its, why can't we do this for adults? it's not inherently dehumanizing. it's not inherently an attack to use these pronouns for someone. some people love the ambiguity in the gendering. it really is totally devoid of gender and it is a very freeing set of pronouns to use, especially if you just refuse to see it as. not inherently dehumanizing

i am also very tired of people using trauma as a shield to enable them to misgender people. i am traumatized. i have diagnosed PTSD that i've been working on in therapy for 10 years as of this year. i have a lot of issues with being called she/her. i hate it most of the time. only select alters in my system use she/her. i do NOT refuse to use she/her for people who use only that pronoun set, or use it primarily. i would be viewed as transphobic if i said i avoid people who use she/her in order to avoid "traumatic memories from coming up." the thing is, that's going to happen sometimes and it's the trauma bearer's responsibility to deal with it accordingly.

just because you got triggered doesn't mean the other person meant to trigger you. you can't hold a trauma trigger AGAINST someone else who is not attempting to misgender you. when referring to someone with the correct pronouns, it is not YOU being called that set of pronouns. you are not being misgendered by correctly using another person's pronouns.

trauma is up to the individual to accept and overcome. hiding from a trigger perpetually for life will not enable you to accept it, cope, and move on. positive exposure to a trigger helps loosen that trauma's grip on you. you have to expose yourself to it in order to grow. hiding will keep you trapped in the situation you are currently in. you have to step into discomfort in order to learn how to overcome it.

thank you for sending this ask, you are very welcome and i'm really happy to hear you feel the same way. i'm glad you felt seen and heard, i am tired of people getting caught up on the pettiest things humanly possible. we ahve to stop reaching for every excuse to be transphobic to "weird" trans people we don't understand.

stop saying "WE NEED MORE WEIRD QUEERS LOL!!!!!!!!" if you can't even handle IT/ITS USERS !

[whyse7vn]

4TH GEN LEADERS -

[ ot7 x reader ]

taehateclub

8 participants - 8 online

———————————

tae: y/n i’m coming for a sleepover tn

y/n: are you sad or something?

tae: no?

y/n: ok good

no thanks then ❤️

tae: um wtf

y/n: ???

tae: the disrespect i face on a daily is not right and should be studied

jimin: don’t care

yoongi: didn’t ask

jin: L

namjoon: 10 years…

of this

jk: time flies when ur having fun

hobi: i want to blow my brains out tbh

jk: oh

tae: jungkook do you want to see a magic trick?

jk: YES

jin: do pretzels make you fat?

jimin: have you been eating them?

jin: yeah

jimin: yeah they make you fat as fuck

jin: somebody push him off a cliff before i do

jk: show me the magic trick before i kill myself

y/n: this really is my safe space ❤️

namjoon: guys we should all go to therapy

tae: i won’t

i tried therapy and the lady laughed at me

A THERAPIST LAUGHED AT ME LIKE TO ME FACE IS THAT NOT SICK?

yoongi: real

y/n: icon tbh

jimin: my therapist tried to fuck me 😞

jin: why is he lying like omg get a life…

jimin: 30 years of age and still bothering young men like me LEAVE ME ALONE FREAK

yoongi: here they go

namjoon: one day we will all laugh and hold hands

y/n: i got 50 on jin

hobi: 50 on jimin

jin: namjoon pls don’t let him come in here and lie like that it’s actually heartbreaking watching the people closest to me be so fucking delusional and deranged think about the bystanders joon

think.

jimin: END UR LIFE

jin: you first 🤭

jimin: ignoring you

y/n: i win

hobi: aw man

namjoon: are you guys all coming to the party later?

jk: what happened to the magic trick??

yoongi: 👍🏻

hobi: yes yesss

y/n: YES

tae: yup

jin: yes

jimin: NO

jin: don’t care 🥱

jimin: i’m leaving this group and leaving this country

yoongi: k?

hobi: when something is a foot long whose foot are we measuring it off?

y/n: if it’s by yoongi’s then a foot long as hell

jk: tae can you show me now?

namjoon: kook pls let it go…

jimin: i’m jumping of a bridge

hobi: how many of yoongi’s feet tall is the bridge?

jin: one foot could honestly kill him

tae: feet?

namjoon: MOVING ON MOVING ON

jk: there is no magic trick is there

y/n: it’s okay you’ll get over it my love

jk: i don’t think i will

tae: that was a life lesson

learn from it and become stronger

jk: how about you die.

hobi: WOAH

namjoon: no fighting i’m literally begging you guys

jin: didn’t know you were submissive like that

jimin: fr it’s gross as hell

he’s gonna tell us he kisses men next

jk: are you a homophone?????

jimin: are you fr rn

yoongi: wow

namjoon: don’t say anything

y/n: at least his heart was in the right place!

tae: namjoon likes men?

namjoon: no

jimin: yeah

hobi: like a stickerrrrr

jk: congratulations

tae: let’s make a song with drake

y/n: ew

yoongi: no thanks

hobi: pushing p

jimin: pussy

jk: where

y/n: ew again

jk: bts 4th gen leaders!

namjoon: ?

hobi: we are not 4th gen

jk: what?

jimin: we are 3rd gen

jk: oh my god

we are old as hell

y/n: that is actually so gross

3rd gen IS SO GROSS WE ARE OLD AS HELL OH MY GOD IMMA THROW UP

jin: ur both being dramatic

jimin: he’s only saying that because he’s been old since birth

like how you 84 out the womb???

hobi: jimin ur going to hell

jimin: we were all thinking it

jin: everyone deny that rn

…

hello?

y/n: bts 4th gen leaders i agree with jk!!!

yoongi: this does not change the reality

tae: can i be 4th gen it boy

jimin: LMAO

tae: what’s funny?

jimin: nothing

jk: i would like to be best 4th gen rapper

hobi: i’ll be best 4th gen singer

y/n: fair

ig i’ll be the 4th gen it girl

jimin: i’ll be THEE 4th gen visual

y/n: yoongi for 4th gen it boy

yoongi: :3

tae: i wanted to be 4th gen it boy wtf

jk: joon the father of 4th gen

y/n: and jin the 4th gen ace

namjoon: u guys actually delusional

tae: i agree

namjoon: pls don’t agree with me ur making me uncomfortable

tae: sorry father

namjoon: don’t be mad u didn’t get a title

y/n: tea the girls are fighting

tae: i’m not mad

i don’t even care fr

namjoon: sure

tae: sUrE

namjoon: you seem mad

tae: if you died i wouldn’t care

hobi: 4th gen loser

tae: hoseok wtf

hobi: who said that?

y/n: 4th gen furry

tae: ummm?

jimin: 4th gen broke boy

tae: i asked for money ONCE

yoongi: 4th gen bitch

tae: LEAVE ME ALONE

jk: i’m glad we all have titles now

4th gen is not ready for us

y/n: FR!!!!

—

kinda short pls forgive me

[mayz-dayz]

"It's easier to be alone than to pretend to care for your feelings."

.

.

.

That's the last thing Izuku said to Katsuki before they found him in his bathtub soaked in bloody water.

.

.

.

TW:OVERDOSE, MEDICATION, CHARACTER DEATH.

Ever since that day, since seeing Izuku in his casket, since helping clean out Izuku's room, Katuski vouched to change and move on with his life. He blames himself, he knew it was his fault, even in Izuku's note he still showed Katuski kindness and left his name out of it. He wanted to be better, change for the better.

.

"Kacchan?"...

.

"Kacchan, hello?"

.

.

"KATUSKI."

.

Bakugou jolted up. He gripped his nightstand and shook his head, he put his face in his hands but immediately retracted his face feeling the extreme heat radiating from them. He took a deep breath and layed back down, drifting back off to sleep.

.

.

.

"How are you sleeping Katuski?" The doctor hummed,

"Better. Sleeping longer, just this dream. It's like- Nevermind."

Katsuki hushed himself but the doctor waved his hand and spoke,

"Mr. Bakugou I am here for those thoughts you don't think you can say out loud, speak.."

Katsuki darted his eyes around the room and layed his head back on the couch he was sitting on,

"It's like.. I can hear his voice. In that dream I can hear him and he's just crying and crying and crying and screaming and screaming then he looks at me and just yells my name."

Katsuki's voice broke. The doctor wasn't fazed by Katuski describing such horrors instead smiled,

"You're still healing Katuski, it may have been 10 years but that guilt is a lot to deal with. You're going to have moments of terror, keep taking the medication and from now on before you go to bed do something distracting or even fun."

Katsuki nodded and left the room. He does therapy twice a week, it helps with the guilt he carries around on his shoulders. Usually his psychiatrist, therapist, and doctor just tell him to stay on his medication and "think happy", though it works just never enough.

.

.

.

Katsuki got home around nine at night, slipped his shoes, and went to the bathroom. He turned on the shower and stepped in, he hates bathrooms, he hates water, he hates everything about this after seeing the photos of Izuku's suicide. His knees wobbled, he placed his hands on the shower wall in front of him and put his head down to brace himself, the water running all over his face.

Katsuki took some of his pills, not looking then pulled some leftovers from out of the fridge and threw them in the microwave. He turned on the TV and walked over to get the food, he sat down and glued his eyes to the screen. Eating, watching, over, and over.

.

.

.

Katsuki woke up again, body sprawled all over his small sofa. He checked the time and made his way to his bedroom. He opened his door and slumped onto his bed and schooched into the covers.

.

"Kacchan...why won't you talk to me?"

.

"can't you hear me?"

.

"DONT IGNORE ME KATSUKI OR I SWEAR I'LL-"

.

Katsuki gasped for air, hyperventilated, and he gripped his chest. He hated feeling helpless. He doesn't know what to do...what can he do?

Katsuki made his way to the kitchen and poured himself water, he brought the glass up to his lips to drink,

.

"Kacchan..?"

.

Katsuki froze and dropped the glass, it shattered into pieces all over the floor and his feet. The hairs on his neck stood up. He stopped breathing and slowly turned around, stepping on the glass. Nothing was there, he exhaled, only now feeling the pain of the glass.

Bakugou cleaned up the floor along with his feet, he sat down on the couch, let his head back, and closed his eyes.

.

"Don't ignore me."

.

Bakugou's eyes shot open and he sat up. He felt this deep feeling in his gut, he couldn't figure out what, he didn't understand what was happening or this feeling. He spiralled into paranoia, he took his pills today, he went to therapy, he doesn't know what's going on in his head.

.

He's alone...with himself. Is this how Izuku felt?

.

"Kacchan, please talk to me."

.

Bakugou cracked, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME" he yelled,

"I don't want anything." The voice strung out,

"I just want you to see me."

Katsuki was petrified, he turned around and looked down. His eyes widened, tears forming, and he fell to his knees.

.

It was Izuku.

.

Izuku placed his hand on Bakugou's hair "I'll be here with you Kacchan, you've been so sad. I just wanted to help, you've been ignoring me."

Bakugou looked up at Izuku's face "I- I thought I was going crazy" he stuttered "I didn't I- I don't-"

Izuku places his finger over his own mouth and looked at Katuski,

"shh. It's okay. You don't need that medicine, you don't need those doctors, I'll be here Kacchan, forever."

.

.

.

It's been a year since Katsuki was found dead in his apartment, time of death was around three in the morning but the drugs had been in his system since nine at night according to the forensic pathologist, he died of drug overdose.

.

.

.

When they found him though, the years of anguish, grief, guilt, and pain all seemed to be gone, he died with a smile across his face.

[joanofexys]

gimme the Jude lore

okay okay Jude Reyes lore incoming

little breakdown first:

26 years old

he/him, pansexual, cis

played for the Trojans for 5 years

graduated with a degree in sports journalism

has adhd and depression (in the rambling bit tw right now for mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts tying into this)

only child and still upset about it

does the most out of all my ocs to work with college players, spends a lot of his free time flying out to different colleges to work with coaches and teams cause he likes and he enjoys it (gets a lot of teasing about becoming a coach in the future)

knows english and spanish

and oh yeah he's a dealer who will play as an extra backliner if needed

blonde, 6'3, big brown eyes

got his ears pierced cause Mara said he'd chicken out

So yeah Jude graduated from USC at the age of 23 and he was recruited for olympic court when he was 25. He considers the Trojan's his family and still keeps in touch with all the upper classmen who he used to play with. He's very much taken the Trojan attitude into his professional career. He's known as a team player on the court and also a huge activist off the court. He's now involved in presenting the Day Spirit Award every year and he's incredibly proud to have been apart of the team consistently winning it. While Ilya falls into the Just Some Guy category, Jude really takes it up like 10 levels into Golden Child territory. He's the favored one for press duty and is most involved with his teams social media. He's usually the one to sit down for the little games or the ask me anything's or the interviews everyone else deems pointless.

tw for self harm and suicide mentions, you can skip to the next bolded line if you need to

Jude was diagnosed with depression when he was 19 after he came to Rhemann confessing that he had been self harming for a few months after the workload with his class got more difficult for him to manage and he started thinking about committing suicide. He was diagnosed with adhd a few years later when he was 22 and now he now manages both with a mixture of therapy and medication. He's not perfect and obviously that didn't get rid of his depression but he has always had a safe space to talk about it and to get the help he needs. He advocates a lot for mental health in general but especially where athletes where it tends to get ignored with all the pressure put on them and he brings that into all of his relationships with his teammates trying to create a safe space for them. He is a huge factor in actually getting Em, Mara, and Florian to see therapists and he's who Florian calls after his 5th attempt and takes him to the hospital.

okay heavy bit over

I need y'all to know that Jude popped into my head literally today. He was named like 3 hours ago. So this is all just kind of developing as I yap about him. He's big on team inclusion. Doesn't want anyone to feel left out. At first Ilya really butted heads with Mara and Florian cause they were Raven's and Jude was basically the one to get sick of that and tell them they needed to shut the fuck up and put on their get along t-shirt

He's generally pretty outgoing and he loves a good party. And by party he means hosting his team and having some food and drinks and visiting with every one. Though he does go a little crazy after a win and he will probably not get home till like 6 in the morning and then will sleep for a full 24 hours

He comes off as very loud and flirtatious to most people, most people will think he is flirting even when he isn't and he has accidentally agreed to multiple dates before realizing they were dates and having to awkwardly let people down. He doesn't really date much, not seriously, largely because of how involved he is with the media portion of his job. If he does end up dating (and I don't have anyone set up for him yet) it'd most likely be another exy player who is also super involved with the media and interacting with the press

and yeah that's a little bit about Jude

[base0h]

a/n - @countingsheepboi had the idea and now I’m gonna do a part two bec these are funny >:)

Warnings ⚠️ - chaotic g/n reader, crack-ish

Opposites attract p2

- he’s never wanted to cry from stress until now

- he could be just talking to one of his siblings for one second, and when he turns around, you’re gone

- you enjoy messing with him by hanging onto his back so he can never find you until he either uses haki or you scare the absolute shit out of him

- will go to brulee for advice

- he’s the only thing keeping you alive, and you’re singlehandedly shortening his lifespan

- “KURI! Look at this cute mushroom! It’s so small-!” You said, poking the spotted little plant

- it was so squishy and adorable that you decided to stick the whole thing in your mouth to see if it tasted good

- tasted like shit mixed with tree sap

- you choked on it lmao 😭

- “Y/n did you swallow it??”

- whats the ginormous mochi man wearing platform boots with spurs gonna do-?! (as you can see I love his boots a lot lmao)

- he doesn’t want to hurt you but he also doesn’t want you to keep choking so he’s trying to pat your back with two of his fingers gently

- it still hurt

- he swore he could’ve fainted at some point from anxiety

- you’ve unfortunately introduced him to panic attacks

- cannot sleep without knowing you’re in bed, ok, not eating poisonous things, and that you’re not hurt

- yes he’s stressed now, but you’re the only thing that makes him happy

- and so fucking stressed at the same time

- joins therapy with smoker

- he’s already stressed, and now he’s more stressed

- requires screaming into a pillow every once in a while to blow off some steam

- will make bepo or shachi or even Penguin watch over you

- almost every time you manage to magically disappear

- “CAPTAIN Y/N’S GONE-!”

- the amount of energy and effort it’s taking him not to scream is amazing

- he needs to get you a rope for you to hold onto like a kindergartner lmao

- before he even gets to say a word about his plan you’re already beating people’s asses with no second thoughts

- a little part of him becomes more depressed every single time you rush on ahead

- spends all his time on these plans 😭

- inside he secretly appreciates it when you bring over a marine that’s been beaten up by you with a smile

- makes him happy :)

- you’re so thoughtful and he loves that 🙃

- he’s clumsy enough already 💀

- he ends up setting you on fire as well sometimes

- nooo but his devilfruit with your abilities is so overpowered 😭

- no sound is made when you literally rush in and beat every single person up inside the room while Corazon throws a grenade inside when you’re done

- y’all have the epic moment of walking away from the explosion

- and then his coat catches on fire

- will be by your side whenever you need

- you’re the one who’s dragging him along by his coat into danger because he can’t run a single minute without falling

- imagine seeing a 9’7 man getting dragged by someone half his size 💀

- doffy will always be confused as to how you two got together

- 10 year old law is even more stressed now

- poor kid is surrounded by clumsy reckless people lol

- Cora is the type of guy who would run into danger without thinking just because you were right next to him :)

- he didn’t know wtf to do when you ate something poisonous

- “Y/N-! OH GOD- UH- CAN YOU THROW UP?! LAW WHAT DO I DO-?!”

- he is freaking out

- started sobbing thinking you were gonna die, “Y/N I LOVE YOU SO MUCH-“

- “CORA-SAN Y/N’S FINE SHUT UP!”

- he’s now crying out of happiness while suffocating law in a hug

- I think he sobbed for a solid hour straight into poor law’s ears

a/n - poor katakuri :’)