#Holly might just lose her mind though

[child-of-the-sea-and-sky]

Rereading Skeleton Key in the Alex Rider series right now and just realized something

Artemis Fowl: Arctic Incident was published in May 2002

Alex Rider: Skeleton Key was published in July 2002

Both take place in Murmansk (specifically iirc they take place in the same submarine base)

so now I'm choosing to believe that both happened in-universe and this base is just very very unlucky to have first a twelve-year-old and then a fourteen-year-old boy fuck their shit up

[burningcheese-merchant]

Yes,more please!

More Yandere Beast stuff? At your service, three short headcanons for each one

SHADOW MILK

Has one specific Pure Vanilla puppet that he treasures and never brings any harm to. It's the most well-crafted and detailed one of all. He calls it his Mini Silly-Vanilly and he makes it and the puppet he also made of himself kiss and do NSFW things

Tries to be A Bro™️ and help his fellow yanderes win over their respective loves. He eggs them on when they feel like ranting and raving about their love lives (or maybe he just likes gossip and drama idk), helps mastermind courting plans, gives romantic advice of dubious quality, solicited and not (mostly not). His help gets mixed reactions. Tough crowd :/

Already planned their wedding way in advance, but keeps making changes because he's always hit with new inspiration (making them playfully chase each other all the way up the stairs of the Spire of Truth and Deceit, and publicly executing their enemies in increasingly ridiculous ways are staying put, though)

ETERNAL SUGAR

Got Shadow Milk to make her a Hollyberry body pillow. It's nice, but she ended up tired of it really quickly. She wants the real Hollyberry to snuggle and squeeze and use as a pillow. (She still uses the body pillow though)

Would very much like to steal Holly's dresses and wear them herself, even if they might not fit. Would also like a lock or two of her hair to put in a necklace, or make into a bracelet, or weave into the strings of her harp (wtf lol)

Has mastered dozens of love songs on her harp, both written and composed by others and by she herself, all to be played and sung to Holly. A significant portion of them are very dark and unsettling, but she either doesn't notice or doesn't care

MYSTIC FLOUR

Once thought of the concept of playing "strip Go" (like strip poker, just with Go) with Dark Cacao. No one has ever seen her turn so red before. She immediately barricaded herself in her room and did not come out for almost a whole week

Keeps replaying that moment where he was beaten and on his knees and she was caressing his cheek, tempting him to look up and into her eyes, in her mind over and over and over and over and over and over again. It has practically tattooed itself to the insides of her eyelids. She can't make it stop nor does she want to

Ends up wandering along the exact same path through the mountains that Cacao took while he was lost and alone whenever she leaves the Ivory Pagoda. Some deranged part of her insists that she might find him again if she keeps looking, and the other, equally deranged parts of her seem to agree...

BURNING SPICE

Absolutely fucking loses his shit if and when any of the Wild Spices speak ill of Golden Cheese at all. He can roast her all he wants, but the second anyone else tries, he 180s to "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT YO FUCKIN MOUTH" mode

Is so out of his goddamn mind that he's already attuned himself to both Golden's aura and her scent, so he can literally track her and hunt her down like a ravenous animal no matter where she goes. He is a predator in the truest sense of the word

Also often fantasizes about marrying Golden, like how Milk wants to marry Vanilla. But what he thinks the most about is the wedding night... and the night after that, too. And the night after that. Every night is going to be their wedding night, once he gets his hands on her... Every single fucking night

SILENT SALT

Keeps trying to write White Lily letters and poems detailing his feelings. They keep coming out wrong (aka they are extremely long and rambling, not to mention fucking weird and creepy), so he keeps throwing them away and starting over repeatedly

Has considered learning magic to impress Lily, but can't get the hang of it. (Has also tried to brew a love potion for her, but can't get the hang of that, either)

He never takes that helmet off, but his stare is nevertheless so damn pointed and downright oppressive that Lily can sense whenever he's watching her, even if he's dozens of feet away and she can't even spot where he is. He comes out when she asks him to, at least...

[mostlylurkinbarelypostin]

Hopper Threatening Mike

Something that I think about all the time is what the heck Hopper threatened Mike with in the first episode of season 3.

Hopper tells Joyce he had to “improvise a little bit” when he tells her about the heart-to-heart. Well you know where else we see the word improvise pop up? When he mows down 4 Russians in the last episode. He literally kills 4 people, says “I’m improvising”, and then puts on a Russian uniform. Murray tries to handle the situation calmly at first but that lasts like 5 seconds, which is about how long it took Hopper to lose his patience with Mike while attempting the heart-to-heart.

According to Mike, Hopper didn’t threaten him with death so what else could be so bad? I don’t know but I think it has to do with Will. When Mike says the words “he threatened me,” the shot we see is of Will setting up the DnD board. This might not mean much on its own but then we have the Karen/Billy and Mike/El parallel.

The Pool Storage Parallel:

We get two scenes that happen in the pool storage room. The first one is Karen explaining to Billy why she didn’t meet him at the Motel pool. She tells him that she has a family and can’t do anything that would hurt them. What made her change her mind and not cheat? Seeing Ted sleeping on the couch with Holly. And what’s Ted wearing? A shirt that is stupidly similar to the one Will is wearing during his and Mike’s movie date.

The scene of Karen and Billy also comes directly after the scene in which Max tells El to dump Mike if he doesn’t explain himself. In the immediate next scene, we have Karen saying “I want to explain…” to Billy.

So explanations happen in the pool storage room. Just like his mom, Mike goes into the storage room to explain why he didn’t show up as planned. He tells El that Hopper made him lie, however he doesn’t say much more, just that he said they’re spending too much time together. This is a pretty garbage explanation though and we still don’t know exactly why Mike lied. Even Lucas questions why Mike did it.

If these parallels means what I think they do, Will is the “family” that Mike doesn’t want to hurt, and is the reason he had to lie. So what was the threat? I highly doubt it’s something as simple as Hopper threatening Mike with not letting him see El anymore if he doesn’t back off a bit cause 1. that wouldn’t work considering El has legit superpowers 2. that’s too basic of an explanation to warrant keeping the details of Mike and Hopper’s conversation a secret (they even remind you that we don’t know all the details when Hopper makes plans to tell Joyce about it at Enzo’s, which of course doesn’t end up happening) 3. they put way too much effort into the parallels for there not to be more there.

I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to imply. Maybe Hopper has witnessed the way Mike splits his time between El and Will and sees right through him. I mean he did witness the shed monologue and saw how disinterested Mike was in kissing El in season 2. Does he think Mike is using El?? I don’t know. I know Hop is just like Mike and wants El to himself but there’s just gotta be more here.

Would love to hear your thoughts! 😛

[mcgnagallsarmy]

hi, have you read any spuffy fanfics where drusilla plays a major role in the story? :)

Hi Anon!

The first one that comes to mind is obviously The Darkling by OffYourBird, though I think her role only gets revealed towards the end of the story.

The Darkling by OffYourBird [NC-17]

When Buffy’s quest to get Spike returned to her is fulfilled in an unexpected way, she finds herself in a complicated relationship with an intrigued master vampire who isn’t the man she loves, but who might be someday��� if she can convince him to step out of the dark.

Some other stories that feature Dru more heavily or where she has an important, if not so big role:

Favor by EllieRose101 [NC-17]

Spike asks an impossible thing of Buffy––and is stunned when she says yes. Could he really have gone up in her estimation?

Valentine's Slay by Holly [NC-17]

It's Spike's fault, really. He should know better than to try to make a plan.

Eucharist by Holly [NC-17]

He had it all. The prophecy and the girl, merrily ever after and all that rot. But life doesn't stop. (sequel to Inside Man)

Dinner For Two by sweetprincipale [R]

Spike decides that Drusilla needs a good dose of romance and remembering happier times to shake her out of her melancholia. As Halloween looms and evil gets the night off, he decides it’s the perfect night for a romantic evening for two, complete with a nod to the holiday. Buffy’s thinking the same thing, only she’d like to catch a distant Angel’s eye. Spike and the Slayer happen to be at the same “chaotic” costume shop at the same time, but neither has quite the evening they expect once the costumes are donned.

Lost Little Lamb by Sigyn [R]

Things go differently in the episode Halloween. Giles loses his fight with Ethan, and the Janus spell is never broken. Buffy the Vampire Slayer no longer exists, just a helpless young woman from 1775. But that’s… wrong. Even a vampire knows it. Can a vampire just take it upon himself to retrain a slayer as the slayer?

[apomaro-mellow]

S1E10: Bottle Episode

S1E09

Lucas was the one in front of a whiteboard now, ruler in his hands as he paced back and forth in the Hopper’s living room. His friends all sat, attention on him.

“The day is nearly upon us. Our first day of high school is in just a week. And if we want any hope of surviving, we need to be prepared. I give you, Operation COOL”, he used the ruler to point to the words on the whiteboard.

“And what does ‘COOL’ stand for?”, Mike asked, arms crossed.

“See? That’s the first step! It doesn’t stand for anything. It just has to be cool. Acronyms are not cool”, Lucas said.

Dustin shook his head. “So many badass organizations would beg to differ.”

“It sounds like you want us to act like the guys who have been bullying us all our lives”, Will pointed out.

“I wanna give us a chance of surviving. I’m the only black kid for miles, Mike can’t shoot a ball, Dustin’s got that teeth thing, El’s sheltered, you’re a wimp, and Max is…Okay Max might be fine in high school.”

“Nice save”, Max said, though her glare didn’t soften.

“But the rest of us are gonna need a plan if we want any hope of getting through the next four years”, Lucas pressed.

“We could ask for advice”, El suggested. “Steve is the coolest person I know.”

Max scoffed. “That can’t be true. He’s your brother.”

El’s brow furrowed. “Brothers can’t be cool?”

“Erica thinks I’m a loser”, Lucas confirmed.

Mike raised his hand. “Nancy only talks to me when she needs to. Holly still likes me though.”

“And you know how I feel about Billy”, Max said. “Brothers are the least cool thing and you should never take their advice on anything.”

As if on cue, Steve came in through the front door, wearing a sandwich costume. “Yeah, yeah, don’t get used to it. I’m quitting this job as soon as school starts”, he said as he crossed over into the kitchen. Then he popped his head back out. “Here’s a tip. Cool people don’t need to devise a whole plan to be cool.”

“Oh what does he know?”, Lucas said when Steve fully went into the kitchen.

“Yeah he looks a few buns short of a baker’s dozen”, Dustin snickered at his own joke just as Lucas used the ruler to point to rule 4 of cool: no dumb jokes or puns.

------------------------------

Robin took a deep shuddering breath. It was all she could do to keep from losing her head.

“We’re gonna be okay, right?”, Will asked.

“Ye-ah”, Robin said, her voice a little shaky. “We’re just stuck in an elevator at the mall. No big deal.”

Robin was never supposed to be in this position. This was supposed to be Steve’s, or Jonathan’s, or Nancy’s, or even Eddie’s gig. But she had tagged along with the mall excursion and at some point the group split and when it was time to gather back around, she had run into Will at the pretzel place and when they checked their watches they realized it was time to meet the others in the parking garage.

So on the elevator they went and it was then that it decided to stop on them, frozen in place. Both had already tried prying the door open to no avail. If Robin was with anyone else, she might’ve freaked out by now. But she was with a kid, so she had to keep a cool head.

“How long until you think they notice we’re not there?”, Will asked.

Robin shrugged. “Shouldn’t take ‘em too long. No way they leave without us, right?”

“Right”, Will agreed.

She sighed and sat down on the floor, her back to the wall. She didn’t want to think about it but Will’s question got her mind reeling. So she tried to change the subject.

“So, you guys are starting high school soon, right? That’s gotta be…exciting.” She inwardly winced, thinking how much she sounded like an out of touch aunt.

“I guess”, Will said, going to sit on the other side. “I’m not really looking forward to four more years of the same thing though.”

“Who said it’s gonna be the same thing? It’s high school, you can reinvent yourselves. You should’ve seen Eddie back in middle school.”

Will pulled his knees up to his chest. “Some things you can’t change about yourself. But I…”, he let out a breath. “When I get bullied the stuff they say aren’t…untrue.”

Robin frowned. “Why? What are they saying?” She had a feeling. A hunch really. But she’d never talked one on one with one of Steve’s sister’s friends about their middle school drama. She knew a thing or two about certain traits that couldn’t be changed though.

“I…forget it”, Will sighed. “Can we just sit here while we wait for a rescue? Or for this thing to kill us?”

“Hey, we’ve gotta stay positive, don’t we? ‘Killed by elevator’ would be a really undignified obituary.” When Will laughed at that, she felt emboldened. “Like, seriously. You might as well say ‘here lies Robin Buckley - died after getting hit with a clown car’.”

“Elevator is better than a clown car”, Will snickered. “But yeah, point made. What floor are we on anyway? Would it even actually kill us?”

“Ah, well now you’re getting into the eternal debate. What’s worse? Dying or having all your bones broken?”

“Do I get to choose my nursemaid?”, Will asked.

“Nope, no pretty nurses for you. It’s gonna be someone like, someone like Mike. Good luck with that.” Robin laughed, likening any care from Mike to being nursed by a flamingo.

But then Will didn’t laugh louder or snort or look annoyed at his friend’s expense. It was a quick moment, but Robin caught the hint of pink on Will’s cheeks. He turned his face away and there was a thick tension in the air all of a sudden. Robin thought of herself at that age. She often wondered how it would’ve been if she’d found anyone like herself that young.

“Hey um, so like, no one ever outright bullied me, because I’m a badass. But sometimes I’d get excluded from stuff”, she said.

“...Like what?”, Will ventured.

“The girls in my neighborhood would have their little dress up parties. And I thought they looked like princesses right out of a fairy tale. They’d want me to dress up with them. But I didn’t want to be a princess with them. I…I wanted to be Prince Charming.”

Will’s eyes got a little wide. “Oh.”

Robin laughed a little. “Yeah, oh. After a while, the other girls realized I didn’t wanna wear dresses or make up with them. No one ever said it to my face. And no one ever really found out, but it felt like some people knew, ya know?”

Will nodded. “I know. So you’re…?”

“Yeah”, Robin confirmed.

“Does anyone else know?”

“Steve.”

“Steve?!”

“I hear them!”, Steve’s voice suddenly came from the other side of the elevator doors. “Robin!? Will?!”

“Will!”, Jonathan shouted.

“We’re here! We’re in here!”, Robin called back, suddenly on her feet.

“I think Steve’s getting an ax!”, Dustin yelled.

“I’m not-Where would I even get an ax? You guys hang tight, someone professional is on the way.”

“Roger that”, Robin smiled, relief filling her system.

Will looked relieved too, like the weight of the world had all of a sudden lifted from his shoulders. Maybe high school wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Part 11

[alexiethymia]

[book spoilers]

Lockwood’s idea of a grand gesture is to be more of a fool than usual, more death-defying than usual, to make sure that Lockwood & Co. was always on front page news because if Lucy was the best then Lockwood & Co. could be nothing less than THE best agency to deserve her, to get her to return. And no, he doesn’t stop there. He may not have asked you to return on bended knee like you wanted Lucy, but like any proper gentleman caller he couldn’t come to your door empty-handed. He brings THE case, that one case that Lucy could never refuse coming from Fittes herself. I bet he spent all those four months searching for that one case. Because see the plan was always for her to return and Lockwood has always been an end-justifies-the-means kind of guy. And the way he gets her on board speaks a lot about his own character and how well he knows Lucy.

Lockwood has always been slightly manipulative and he uses the full force of that skill during that reunion with Lucy. Every move was calculated. From his suit he wears like armor, each one carefully chosen. An old coat that reminds them of a case they worked on together, an immaculate new suit (Really? Just to hire her again?), and to top it all of, a tie which Lucy specifically gave him. He catches her off guard, he doesn’t give her time to get her bearings. He knows asking her outright to return wouldn’t work. Even if he did beg, that already failed when he ended up so angry that he left Lucy behind in that cafe (the fact that Lockwood who prides himself on being a gentleman could leave a girl, and Lucy of all people, shows that his emotions were completely haywire that day). In other words, Lucy’s stubbornness proved stronger than his own. So he had to change tactics. He had to make sure that her returning would be all her idea, that she would return all on her own.

Because see, he didn’t need a case to see her. He could have visited at any time after they didn’t have closure when Lucy snuck away in the dawn to leave. He could have normalized ties between them and remained friends even as Lucy was now a freelance agent. But he didn’t. He made sure they didn’t have closure. He didn’t even acknowledge her leaving because to do otherwise would make it final. On Lucy’s end I think she wouldn’t have minded if they could be friends and talk casually together again. She wanted it. But that’s not what Lockwood wanted. He wouldn’t have been satisfied unless Lucy was back home with them. Like a jilted lover, he needed a grand gesture to draw her back in.

So he does everything. He lies. “I wouldn’t ask you again to return.” “It’s just a one-off.” “One night, two max.” But and even though Lucy couldn’t fully see through him, what they really meant, she did pick up on signs of him fraying and unraveling. The uncertain smile that was simultaneously just for her and was shades paler than his usual gigawatt smile, the slight bitterness that she was willing to work with other agencies but not his, that studied nonchalance as if he wasn’t keeping track of her progress and whereabouts the same way Lucy tried not to follow news of Lockwood and Co., the deflection, deflection, deflection.

He doesn’t answer properly regarding Holly because he still thinks she might have had something to do with Lucy leaving.

“George didn’t like it.” This is his mixing up of I and we tendency again but way worse. For him to use George to say that she was missed was egregious because couldn’t he just say that he missed her? Or even we missed you, we didn’t like it [the idea of replacing you]. It wouldn’t be so strange. He is as much her friend as George. Unless her leaving cut him more deeply. And we know he represses that sh*t. So he doesn’t even include himself in the equation anymore maybe because he thought it would make Lucy uncomfortable because not even him losing control of his emotions, being exposed and raw could get her to stay. Or at least that’s what he tells himself when in reality he’s fortified his barriers once again. He made himself open for Lucy, all the anger he’d kept tightly locked inside, and still - she left. So he can’t even talk to Lucy anymore without using someone or something as a conduit, projecting himself because he can’t expose himself to that sort of vulnerability again until he accomplishes his goal. So yeah there’s plenty of bitterness on his part, but what trumps that, always trumps it and his pride (because I’m sure part of him expected that Lucy would come back earlier on her own so he was just waiting and when that didn’t happen because see in a contest of wills Lucy’s would always trump his own, he’s weak when it comes to her, he’s the one who comes to her instead) - is that base desire for her to just come back.

[js589]

Today in Everything I'll Never Say, the title starts to become... maybe a little ironic.

(Note that these next few parts are a little short, but there are more of them per side.)

Part 4, Part 6

TAPE 2, SIDE 1, PART 1

[click] I found the job. Penelope Fittes thinks it's all her idea, and I'm happy to let her think that, but I promise you: this is my idea. Ealing's been in the news a bit—you probably know. Fittes keeps sending in teams, and none of them stay for longer than an hour. Honestly, I can't blame them. This isn't going to be without risk. Of course, that makes it the perfect job for us. This one's a real piece of work. You don't even need to have Sight or Listening half as strong as we have, but I honestly think that'll work to our advantage. We're used to gruesome after all, right? There's also some speculation that this ghost possesses some kind of intelligence. Reading the reports—yes, I've read them myself—I think he's just very good at being off-putting. But if I'm wrong, having you there means we'll know. Well, hopefully. I can't lie and say I'm not worried about you trying to connect, but we'll be there and—God, I'm already talking like you've said yes. [clearing throat] I did get George's and Holly's buy-in, by the way. Both for the job and for your involvement. Well, buy-in might be putting it optimistically. Holly seems concerned, but I think more for me if you say no than anything else. I can't blame her for not trusting me when I say I'll be fine if you say no, but I'll muddle through. George… I don't think he's forgiven either of us, really. And when George has his mind set, not much will change it. I hope that, whatever happens, you two can talk. I know that you weren't in the best place to do that the day you left, and I blame myself for that. George wasn't, either, though. He takes a while to process when it's someone he cares about. I have reminded him that he wouldn't open the door when you tried to say goodbye, but I'm still not exactly fully back in his good graces either, so you can guess how that went. [brief pause] Anyway, I'll be over tomorrow. We'll be talking for real. Can't say I'm not nervous, but it's not like I've got anything left to lose with you, right? [click]

[bluegekk0]

5 for fpk, holly, hornet, Grimm, & lewk

5. Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?

(fpk)

i believe he could do that, yes. he most certainly has plenty of things he could think about to get himself to that point

the vessels and the fact that he failed the kingdom would be the most obvious (and the most effective) ones. but i think thinking back to his past would also get him teary eyed. he may not remember all the details from his childhood, but the day his mother left is definitely one that still remains in his memory. the unhappy marriage with the white lady is another one of those things, while at the time he thought he could manage it and that any discomfort or stress was worth it to make her happy, looking back he realizes how much she unintentionally hurt him, both mentally and physically (the last one was rare, but without going into detail, i think you can imagine in what sort of situations that usually happened)

and then there's his constant worries, that he's a burden, that he doesn't deserve any love, and that his loved ones may abandon him if he does something wrong. it's very often that he cries because of it, and if he had to cry on command, it would be very effective to think about that. then again, he usually does

(holly)

they can't cry, though i think the idea of the void leaking from their eyes to mimic tears could be pretty interesting. if they could do that, then thinking about the radiance and everything she told them would likely help getting them to that point. i don't think i ever mentioned that dynamic, but i definitely think she kept reminding them that they're a failure and that their father is disappointed in them (she was definitely projecting, she had a similar obsession in making her father proud so she would have all the ammunition needed to break holly's strong will)

now, fpk's return and their subsequent interactions eased that worry, but it still lingers in the back of their mind. i'm not sure how effective that would be in actually getting them to cry. like i said, they don't really cry in the same way others do

(grimm)

i'll mention him here instead of hornet cause, similarly to holly, he can't cry. at all. his eyes are simply not built for that. so naturally he can't cry on command either. but i suppose i can still talk about things that would get him crying if he could

first of all, his loneliness was often overwhelming to him, and he often found himself in situations where normally he'd cry, but instead he just sulked around and stared into the distance. but for more specific thoughts, losing fpk was very hard for him. he had some hope that he would return, but that was squashed after his third or fourth return to hallownest, with fpk nowhere to be seen. if he thought that his loneliness was overwhelming, then the thought that fpk could be dead was devastating to him. and even then, the idea that he might lose him again is something that often keeps him up at night. it almost happened once, after the attempt on fpk's life by a rogue grimmkin, and if he could cry, then the sight of fpk, weakened and scared after that attack, would be enough to get him to tear up

(hornet)

i don't think she can cry on command. she bottles everything in too well, and she sees crying as a weakness. the rare times it happens, she hides from everyone and makes sure they can't see her in that state. so for that reason it's hard to think of anything that could get her to cry on the spot. but there are still things that get her choked up. the day her father disappeared being the biggest one, but the memories of her childhood would also affect her, both the negative and the happy ones. all those years of being alone, she wished she cherished those moments more at the time, she thought she took them for granted, and now she would never experience them again. thankfully, she was wrong. well, somewhat. it's definitely far from her childhood, but at least she has a family again, and slowly but surely she will learn to be more open about how much she appreciates them

(lewk)

similarly, i don't think lewk can cry on command either. i will say that, unlike grimm, he can physically cry. his eyes are built similarly to fpk's, so they also possess the ability to produce tears. but i still don't think he's able to do it on the spot if asked to. he doesn't have the same emotional baggage as the rest of the family, so i doubt there's anything that could even get him to that point, aside from the usual things that make children cry

[gayforrenee]

My ratings on how emotional some of my favorite EAH duos would make me if they played marbles (the thing from Squid Game!!!) (also I just kind of want to give everyone my take on how I think it would all happen and who would die)

Before I go any further, mb for just dipping on y'all. I just left the EAH fandom and then got back into it. And I actually HAVE started writing All I Want again (weird that it was so sudden but whatever)

This is from the least emotional (still cry-worthy fs tho) to the most emotional (literally screaming and sobbing). 1 and 2 are actually tied because I couldn't decide which was worse. I struggled rlly bad on some of these so just because I put one higher doesn't mean I wouldn't fucking lose my mind for the lower one

8. Daring/Rosabella

Y'all. I'm sorry. I do love them. Don't get me wrong. They're just at the bottom. They were actually the only duo that I was even close to being sure about. I genuinely like them and if they had to play, I would be shedding tears. I feel like a lot of people would instantly go for Rosabella because of her like savior type of attitude sometimes, but I'm gonna be fr with y'all. I think Daring would actually lose. I think he would find a way around letting her lose. I know he's made out to be selfish sm, but then in the last season he kind of has that redemption arc and I actually start to like him. I think that Rosabella would try to fool him into winning, but he would possibly see through her playing with him and end up ultimately losing. It would definitely be emotional, but I feel like he would take it bravely. That might not be quite the right word, but I can't think of another good one rn so whatever.

Survivor: Rosabella

7. Darling/Daring

I KNOW. COME AT ME. This one would definitely be rough. The first thing I thought of when I saw this was that Daring would try to be the brother in the situation. He would try to protect, but I think he would fail. Darling can do anything she puts her mind to, and if she really wanted herself to lose, she would make it happen. That's just the tea y'all. I feel like there would be a moment where it looks like Daring's going to lose, and then Darling swoops in and takes that spot right out from under him. I think he would be really hurt, and I think he would feel a lot of guilt afterwards because he let that happen to his sister. There's a possibility that it could be him instead of her, which would take the path of him acting like the brother and taking the fall for her, but I just feel like she would end up losing.

Survivor: Daring

6. Cupid/Blondie

People don't talk about this ship enough, so I'm going to. Anyway, I love them. I think they're adorable and would've made a great couple. Thinking about them playing the marble game makes me want to kms bc I think it would constantly be them going back and forth and trying to get the other to take their marbles. I think Blondie would eventually convince Cupid that she needs to lose and not Cupid, and despite Cupid trying to beg her not to, Blondie lets Cupid take her marbles and she loses. It would honestly be hard to watch even though I have it at six. I would for sure cry a lot, and it would be really heartfelt. They're both just so soft when you take away their sassy and sarcastic moments. One of my favorite underrated ships.

Survivor: Cupid

5. Holly/Poppy

Just want to say how much I love these two. I love their personalities and just everything about them. I do feel like both would try to save the other. Again, it would be a back and forth battle between who's going to lose. I think that Poppy would end up being the one to lose. Holly would just give up because she sees that she's getting nowhere with Poppy. It would be extremely bittersweet and she would be nonstop crying. She would try to reason with her, but it wouldn't work. Poppy would be determined to let Holly live, so she would let herself lose.

Survivor: Holly

A/N: Here's the good shit y'all. Everyone is going to fucking HATE me. I'm so sorry in advance. My imagination really said fuck you once I got to like 3.

4. Apple/Raven

...

So. I feel like it would be giving Dragon Games LMFAO. No bc like it would be super angsty and sad. They would be fighting for each other to survive until the very end. There would be a lot of tears and a lot of just meltdowns over it. Despite the whole thing about how Raven is portrayed as the more selfless one in the friendship, I'm just gonna say it rn. Apple stopped being selfish (... only partially because she DID get herself killed to save Raven which only hurt her more but it's fine)

APPLE LOST.

She definitely lost. Raven didn't see it coming, and it just happened. Apple accepted it and that was it. Raven definitely walked away from this with guilt for the rest of her life. She would never be the same. I think she would always feel like a part of her was missing.

Survivor: Raven

3. Darling/Apple

I'll just start by saying that Apple dies. I'll explain why. LET ME EXPLAIN. PLEASE.

My take on this is, of course, that Darling loves Apple more than she will ever realize (literally no fucking shit). Everyone is made to believe that Darling is going to be the one who loses. Even Apple believes this. It makes sense that Darling would be the one to die. She's the knight in the relationship. Literally. Anyway, it just makes sense. How she is would just make complete sense. You're made to think that in the end, it's going to be Darling. It almost is. Apple really has her mind set on it being herself, but she just has a feeling that it'll be Darling. She thinks that Darling is going to find a way to lose her marbles. Then they start to get close to the end, and it clicks in Apple's mind that she can't let Darling die. She refuses to let her go. So she does what any good girlfriend would do.

Apple lets Darling get all of her marbles before Darling even realizes what Apple was doing. The minute that Darling has Apple's last marble, she just stares at her. I think she would silent cry and Apple would try to be optimistic. It would be so fucking emotional. I don't know how well I would handle it.

Survivor: Darling

2. Maddie/Raven

Banging my head against a wall because the way I would cry. I feel like everyone knows who would die. Let's just be fr. It's Maddie. Y'all can come at me, but it's Maddie. I know she's like goofy and crazy most of the time, but when it comes down to it, she absolutely loves her friends to the ends of the universe. She would do anything for them. I love her relationship with Raven, and I feel like going into it, Raven would already know that Maddie was going to lose. She would try to deny it, but she would already know. It would be gut feeling that she couldn't shake. She would try to draw the game out so that she had more time with Maddie, but it wouldn't matter because Maddie was going to die sooner or later. I think Maddie would be cracking jokes and trying to make Raven smile until she was finally killed. She would definitely know as well from the beginning that she would be the one. It wouldn't be that Raven didn't want to do it, because she really did, it would just be that Maddie felt like it should be her. Maddie wanted to let Raven live even if meant that she couldn't. This would make me bawl fr.

Survivor: Raven

2. Kitty/Lizzie

I actually just put this one on the list of ships to do, so here we go. This would be super fucking angsty. Both of them love each other a lot and don't want to watch the other one die. They know that one of them will have to die, but they want it to be themselves. It would be horrible to watch because I feel like, and don't get mad because I actually struggled to think about who would die, it would be Lizzie who lost. I can see it being Kitty. I definitely can, BUT, there's just something that makes me believe that it would truly be Lizzie in the end. I think both of them would hold it together for the most part until the end. Kitty would finally win and completely lose her shit. Lizzie would accept her fate but continuously apologize to Kitty for letting this happen. I think Kitty would tell her "it's okay" and just try to make her feel not guilty. Kitty wouldn't come out of this okay at all. I feel like she would actually go insane after watching the love of her life die.

Survivor: Kitty

A/N: GOD I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR DOING THESE LAST TWO. I love y'all but here comes, in my opinion, the ones that would make me want to break shit and kms. They're the full-on mental breakdown ones.

Ashlynn/Briar

I'll start this one by apologizing because I'm going to be dead serious right now. I would literally have a meltdown over this. I wouldn't be able to handle it. Their friendship is wholesome and they love each other so much that it hurts. And for the love of FUCKING GOD I AM SO SORRY BUT ASHLYNN LOSES.

I'm leaving that there.

This one is bad. It's definitely a lot of crying and "I love you's" because who doesn't lose playing a game where one of you has to die and the other has to live with that guilt for the rest of their (very possibly short) life. Briar definitely goes into the game convinced that she's going to do it. She prepares herself the entire time. She loses her mojo a few times because she feels bad that Ashlynn is crying so much and is just an emotional mess. It just reminds her of how Ashlynn would be if Briar actually lost. This one would be hard to watch. I think there would just be constant crying on both sides if I'm being completely honest. I think that everyone would seriously think it's Briar, and then you realize that it's going to be Ashlynn. There would be that moment of "wait, what the fuck did she just do?" It would be gut-churning honestly. Ashlynn was honestly always too nice, and this would be the moment when she needed to not be. Briar would tell her she needed to just let her lose so Ashlynn could walk away from this, but Ashlynn wouldn't want that. I think the second that Briar realized that it wasn't going to be her that lost, she would try to push herself harder to get rid of her marbles. In the end, it would be Ashlynn that got killed. Briar would take it really hard and she would struggle afterwards with the death of her best friend.

Survivor: Briar

A/N: ON GOD THE ONE I'VE BEEN WAITING TO TELL EVERYONE BECAUSE I WANT TO CRY RN THINKING ABT IT

Briar/Faybelle

Shaking. Crying. Screaming. Throwing up. Sobbing.

This would be really bad.

Absolutely fucking horrible to watch.

Writing the part of how this happens, I'm still unsure as to who I'm going to go with on losing, so we'll see as I keep going.

God, this is fucking hard. I can imagine it and I don't want to. It would be super angsty. Like screaming and fighting. A lot of crying. I know Faybelle normally hides all of her emotions on the show and whatever, but this would be that time that she just lets go. Going into the game, they both wanted themselves to die. It's hard to think about because on one hand, you have Briar who is the more soft one in the relationship and wants to let Faybelle survive because she loves her, but then you have Faybelle who feels guilty about how she's treated Briar in the past and she doesn't believe at all that she can continue her life without Briar. It's mostly the latter, but those are just two major points. I think that the idea of the other dying would be the fuel for wanting to lose their own marbles. They would be going back and forth the whole time. I just feel like the angst would be what hurts everyone. It would be so much screaming and crying of how they can't live without the other. We would also see a side of Faybelle that's never even been grazed, and I think that would hurt even more because the fact that Faybelle would let herself act so desperate and be so vulnerable would be an eye-opener. It would be like "oh shit, Faybelle actually fucking loves Briar and literally is about to let herself die just so she can survive." And then you have everything from Briar's pov which is "I can't live without Faybelle so I'm going to lose and she'll learn to live without me. She'll be okay." Both would have similar outlooks on it, but in the end, I genuinely believe that both would die.

Briar would let herself lose first and Faybelle would just fucking lose her mind completely. I think Faybelle would literally be on her knees and begging them to just kill her. If they didn't, she would find a way to do it herself because she can't live without Briar.

Very sob-worthy if you ask me.

Anyway, they both die. End of story. Not really but I don't want to actually write something abt this bc I would cry before I even got one paragraph in

Survivor: Neither bc I'm a bitch

[ireallylovepupplies101stuff]

Spiderdemon AU Characters

I figured it would be easier if I made a list of all the character roles for Spiderdemon with the Inky Mystery characters. Might be the best way to avoid making things confusing, and in case people have questions then this can hopefully help.

I'm mostly sticking with spiderman characters, because if I included ALL marvel characters I might lose my marbles. (though Felix would be a cool Iron Man.)

Now then, lets get started.

-First of all, The Devil is the Green Goblin. He'd just be called The Devil when out terrorizing people in his villain suit, while he's known as Lucifer, a rich business owner and a powerful figure in Toon Town.

-Dice is Kingpin. Handling the shady business so his boss can keep a good public image.

-Cuphead and Mugman both share the role similar to the Prowler. Though Cuphead goes by Red Diamond and Mugman Blue Spade. Both of them dress as how they dress in Inky Mystery when out working, but they both wear hoods to cover their heads, and smiling masks that look like their cartoon version faces. Adding a creepy twist when they're out on the job.

Both of them use guns. mostly special guns that fire unique and different bullets.

Cuphead, though, has a unique trick.

He has a mechanical arm. He keeps the fact hidden, and wears a special cover over said arm so people don't notice his arm isn't flesh when he's out as a civilian. When out on the field, it doubles as a backup gun.

Though when he got the arm, he wasn't told about a certain SURPRISE that was in the damn thing. Cuphead didn't exactly like said surprise for many reasons in the beginning.

While both Cupbros share the role of Prowler, only Cuphead has this role.

He's also Venom.

It was NOT pretty in the beginning. Cuphead was scared out of his mind when Venom first bonded with his body.

It was a rough time adjusting to it, but by the time Bendy becomes more serious with the hero thing, Cuphead and Venom would have great team work together and be damn good at the jobs they have to do.

Doesn't mean they always get along.

Venom: LET ME EAT HIM.

Cuphead: No. Get over it.

Venom: HE ATE THE LAST OF THE TATER TOTS! LET ME EAT HIM!

Cuphead: I'm not letting you eat my brother over cussing potatoes you big baby!

Mugman overheard that and promised to buy more later to calm Venom down. (Venom wouldn't actually eat Mugman, he just won't admit he's emotionally attached.)

-Holly would have the role of Mary Jane. Curious about Spiderdemon while being friends with Bendy during highschool and probably has a blog reporting all the good things Spiderdemon does. Since she's a couple years older though, before she goes to college, she tells Bendy he better not get himself killed until he can answer all her questions about his powers.

Bendy groaned over how he got busted and he thought he was doing a good job hiding his identity from his friend.

After being busted by her, Holly helps out with whatever she can so Bendy can be more prepared to save the day. Like doing research on criminal organizations or people running from the law, so Bendy can have a better idea on what to expect.

-Oddswell would be The Lizard in this AU. Bendy as Spiderdemon went to him in the beginning for medical help when he'd get hurt in battles, but then things happened that made Oddswell turn into a mutant gecko monster.

He was also Bendy's primary doctor when he was sick and dying in the hospital before getting spider powers. He thought it was suspicious that Bendy healed so fast when his chances were extremely slim. He did tests on Bendy and found some, interesting, things. He suspected Wilson had something to do with it with how quickly he left the hospital after his last visit.

But considering how Wilson was a good friend of his, Oddswell kept quiet, and kept those test results on Bendy secret for his safety knowing if word got out, Bendy would get a lot of unpleasant attention.

-Alice would be Doc Oc, but instead of extra robotic tentacles,  they'd be large robotic and deadly angel wings. She'd be known as Dr. Angel.

She ended up working for the same people that made the spider Wilson stole. Hoping to help people find a way to improve medical aid. Volunteering to do whatever it took to benefit mankind.

She doesn't realize until too late that she's being used by people who will do more harm than good. Not until robotic angel wings are fused to her body that can't be taken off.

It makes her resent Spiderdemon in the beginning. How this happened to her because he got his powers from the spider that was stolen, and now the people she works for will go to any length to get him.

- Oswald is a retired version of Black Cat, but used to go by Lucky Rabbit.

He got mixed up in a life of crime when he was going through things at a younger age, stealing to sell for profit. But then when he realized that wasn't what he wanted to do with his life, he put that all behind him, married Ortensia, and started a family with her before she passed.

Lucky Rabbit has a bit of a history with Felix. Since in this AU Felix still finds old relics that can be worth a fortune, when he was young and was starting his career, Lucky Rabbit stole an artifact Felix was hoping would help people.

At that point Oswald would be a bit smug over his skills, returning to the scene of the crime as a civilian and blend in with the spectators. who are there watching reporters covering what happened as police study the crime scene, looking baffled over how there's barely any clues.

But as he's leaving, he overhears something in another room, and takes a peak. Finding Wilson comforting Felix who's devastated over how Lucky Rabbit stole the artifact and is blaming himself for letting so many people down.

That's the first time Oswald starts feeling guilty and questioning what he's doing.

- Cala takes the role of Sandman. Though she'd be called Sand Gorgon.

Before she got her powers, she used to use a wheelchair. But when she got the power to manipulate sand, she used her powers to wrap a layer of sand around her legs to help her stand up and walk.

When using her powers to fight, her entire lower body is covered in sand, making it look like she has a tail instead of legs.

And water isn't a huge weakness for her. In fact she can manipulate sand underwater to help her swim at incredible speed.

She's also known for using her powers to trap enemies in sand, and make the sand harden together until it becomes stone. Practically turning people into stone statues.

-Lady Facilier takes the role of Kraven the Hunter. She uses Voodoo to hunt people she finds useful to her or is paid VERY well to kill someone.

-Brute takes the role of Rhino, though instead of a crazy dangerous rhino armor suit, Brute dresses in a deadly wolf armor suit. Calls himself Wolf.

-Fanny takes the role of Electro, calling herself Electric Cotton. She used to do crime with Oswald when he was Lucky Rabbit, but when he gave that up, Fanny made some choices that left her in a less than ideal lifestyle.

She's now stuck as a medic for Dice and Devil's employees/minions and occasionally has to do dirty work.

She's the only medic Cuphead and Mugman trust at least.

Brute also doesn’t lay a finger on her in this AU, because he knows she’ll FRY HIM. Doesn’t stop him from being a POS partner though.

-Sarah is Mysterio in this au. She calls herself Nightmare because she can use her illusions to make people's worst nightmares and trap them in a personal hell.

There are rumors about her that she's a lot older than she looks, because all people see when they look at her is an unsettling little girl. No one dares to try confirming that though.

-Pete’s Jay Jonah Jameson. Working on the news station and calling Spiderdemon a menace.

Bendy usually ignores it, but when he's feeling petty, some of his black webbing hits Pete’s office window or car at the news station when fighting a villain. 

Boris later watches Pete on tv yelling about spider demon's terrible aim.

Boris: ... You did that purpose, didn't you?

Bendy: Nooooo.

Boris: Bendy you hit his car 5 times with webs while every other car in that lot was clean!

Bendy: Not my fault the badguy was near his car 5 times.

Bendy does however have to talk Boris out of hacking Pete’s phone to mess with him and his script he worked on for the news channel. He doesn’t want him getting caught and arrested for a prank.

-Granny is Bendy and Boris’ sweet little elderly neighbor. They help out sometimes and keep her company. She used to watch the boys for Felix whenever he’s out of town for a few days until Bendy was old enough, and healthy enough, to watch Boris by himself. She still cooks for the family of three sometimes and is dubbed their honorary grandmother.

Though she scares the daylights out of Bendy when he’s out as Spiderdemon and sees Granny hitting a badguy with her cane if she’s there when he’s fighting. He quickly gets her out of there before the badguy gets over their shock and puts her somewhere safe.

Bendy: Ma’am, you’re the coolest elderly lady ever, but PLEASE never do that again.

Granny: Oh like I’m going to let some bully beat up a helpful young man such as yourself. *pats his face sweetly* Kick his butt dear.

and that's all I got for the characters in this AU. I might come up with more character roles down the line, but for now, this is it.

Hope you all enjoy!! :)

[mistydear]

soften me now, let me take as is given (xvi)

billie dean howard x reader

summary: You meet Billie in mourning. She's too professional, and you're too angry, and it takes too long to see her again. And again. And again as your lives tumble together.

w/c: 4k

taglist: @thedeconstructionist @cordeliass @strawberryshorttcakkee (talulahmae??) @max-the-d0g @mistysswampmud @angelxsarahp @billiedeanspearls @madamevirgo @cordithatgurl @mayfair-fleur @saucy-sapphic @whatfutureiamdead

chapter one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen

notes: hiiii. sorry about the break, my mental health took a nosedive. it's peak season at work and i might be losing my mind a little bit. hoping to get back into the swing of it though. still have big things planned for this story. would love feedback!! warnings!! smut in this ch. it's pretty tame tbh, purposefully not as emotional as i would usually do

When Billie goes to brunch a few days later with Matthew and Holly, she tells them everything. And in the back of her mind she can still feel the weight of you holding her, the smell of your perfume, and the blush in your cheeks when you tripped over her—when she caught you and held you close. Your hands are so warm and soft when hers are cold, and she could still feel them on her now, the brush of your thumb across her skin. 

“You kissed her?” Holly drawls, low and hushed as she leans over the table. Matthew nearly rolls his eyes. 

“She kissed her cheek,” he corrects, feeling less monumentally shaken than Holly. 

“You kissed her,” she repeats, waving Matthew off. Billie feels her face heating and quickly grabs a drink of ice water, glancing around to make sure no one heard. She can’t quite believe it herself, not sure what had come over her. 

“That isn’t out of character for Billie, Holl,” Matthew argues, stabbing his fork into an egg, resting his elbows on the table. 

“With me or you, yeah. Or when her southern hospitality comes out. Not like this,” Holly enunciates, her accent coming out thicker the more emotion that creeps into her voice. Matthew pauses, his eyes drifting to Billie who has a knot in the pit of her stomach that’s tangling itself a little tighter each day. She swallows, twisting a ring around her finger. 

“I pushed her too far,” she says, and there’s a heaviness behind her eyes, but her voice is cool and even. “I shouldn’t have told her.” 

“You shouldn’ta done it,” Holly presses, and Billie gives her a slow, hard look. It’s one she’s perfected over the years. Giving the least amount away while maintaining the potency of her anger. 

“It’s too much and still not enough,” Matthew jumps in, hoping to break Billie’s rumination. “You can’t manage Y/N’s grief for her. And you can’t keep holding onto your feelings so tightly. Eventually you’re gonna break, and based on everything you’ve said, we are gonna have a level three biohazard on our hands when you fall apart.” 

He motions between himself and Holly, and Billie’s reminded of what happened the last time she visited her mother. When she came home to LA, she couldn’t stop crying. Matthew and Holly had never seen her so emotional and untethered and raw. He told her one day he needed a hazmat suit just to bring her coffee. A laugh bubbled from her between sobs, and Holly practically jumped on it, kissing her cheek and saying there’s my Billie. There’s a reason she holds herself so tightly and at such a distance from everyone else. She never learned how to heal, never learned how to guard herself without shutting the world out. She’ll never admit it, but Matthew and Holly know that she’s fragile, know that her heart is always either caged or bleeding. 

“Not enough, my ass,” Holly says then turns to Billie, a hand on her arm. “This is the most strung out I’ve seen you since Olivia. You do realize this is flirting.” 

Billie hasn’t seriously dated anyone in a long time, and the mention of Olivia stings a little. They ended on bad terms. Billie wasn’t willing to come out, and Olivia was always very outspoken and proud, and eventually it became a point of contention. She never once called Billie cowardly, but she didn’t have to. Billie thought it enough times to do the damage herself. 

“She got you to dance? In public?” Holly points out, and Billie’s heart twists uncomfortably. You were so welcoming, so soft, and there was never any pressure. It was easy in a way Billie hasn’t experienced in a long time. She was relaxed, which is not a word she uses lightly. And the reality of that thought hits her harder than she expected. She’d spent the last few months dancing around the idea, not quite letting it sink in, not letting herself fully grasp the feeling. But now it’s here. It’s right here, and Holly’s right. 

“I think I’m in trouble,” Billie says, feeling weightless. 

“Honey, you’re way past trouble,” Matthew smirks. 

. . . 

“You’re stewing. I can see you stewing,” Norah says between bites of her takeout. It’s Monday night, and you’re watching a dumb movie you can’t even recall the plot of. 

“I’m angry.” 

“No you’re not,” Norah shoots back, and you pause before you can even start your tenth rant of the week. Norah sighs and shifts on her couch so she can face you directly. “If you were as angry as you say you are with Billie then you’d be done with her. And if you were done with her you wouldn’t be stewing so loudly. You’re not angry. You’re frustrated because you know Billie’s right even if what she did was wrong. And you’re confused because Billie kissed you right before she gave you the most weirdly devotional gift anyone’s ever given you.” 

You go red, not sure how to process those words, but your chest is tightening at a rapid speed, and you suddenly feel like someone pulled down your pants in the middle of a crowded hallway. You open your mouth, but Norah holds up a finger to stop you. 

“Yes, kissed. On the cheek, maybe, but the intention was clear. Gift, yes, because you and I both know you needed that kind of closure. Billie gave you something so precious, Y/N, and I don’t want you to ever forget that. And devotional, extremely yes. Billie Dean Howard is busy and famous and does this for a living, and she chose to devote time, energy, and care into you. She’s a strange woman who shows her emotions in strange ways, but I promise you they’re right there on her sleeve.” 

You sit quietly for a long moment, shoulders slumping down into the couch, needing some kind of support to carry you right now. 

“You think Billie has feelings for me?” you ask, dumbstruck. Norah just stares at you, mouth open. You’re feeling more lost with each moment that passes until Norah grabs her food and faces the TV in a huff. 

“You’re such an idiot.” 

You frown, slumping down further into the couch as silence lapses between you, the movie playing in the background. Billie Dean Howard has feelings for you? For the person who was nothing but cruel to her, who played hot and cold with her for weeks, who used her as a crutch for your grief, who’s still grieving, who’s trying to find a new normal among ghosts and Andy and Billie. Billie. 

Billie with the deep brown eyes and long nails and string of pearls. TV personality Billie Dean Howard. Medium to the Stars and woman who choked you on her bedroom floor. There was a moment sometime after that, right after you fell asleep on her couch, when you realized that this is real. She’s real. It wasn’t as earth shattering as you expected but much more unfathomable than you knew how to process. You’re sort of numb about it in the wake of Kate. In the wake of everything. And you’d never felt selfish about it until this moment. There were times you wondered how much of a burden it must be, how frightening it might get, but now you can’t help but ask yourself if you’d used her. Is she the one being taken advantage of? By the show and her fans and her abilities. 

And why you? Out of everyone’s grief, everyone’s hurt, everyone’s cruelty, why does she want to endure yours? 

“I have to make a phone call,” you mumble, standing up.

“Finally,” Norah grumbles as you step out onto her balcony and close the sliding glass door behind you. 

Your phone rings and rings, and your heart starts beating faster. Right when you think it might go to voicemail, the line connects. 

“Hello,” she says on the other end. It’s not a question. It’s softer than that. 

“Billie, I’m sorry,” you rush, and there’s a heavy beat of silence before you hear her breathe again. 

“What?” 

“For everything. But especially for how I reacted at the bar.” 

“You had every right to—”

“I wish I would have listened to you sooner,” you interrupt, needing to get it out there in the open. “I’m sorry.” There’s silence on the other end, and you’re afraid to break it. So, you listen to the static in the line, almost forgetting to breathe. 

“So am I,” comes the mournful response, and you swallow, looking out over the LA skyline at night. You don’t know how to ask her why, the words stuck in your throat, don’t know how to erase the hurt you both feel. 

“I need you to stop being my medium now.” You hear a little huff on the other end, something that could have been a laugh, and you allow yourself a small smile. 

“Where does that leave us?” she asks, and your heart twists and jumps. Us. You wonder what that means to her. 

“Do you wanna go to Insomnia tomorrow?” Billie does laugh this time, light and relieved. 

“I wish I could,” she sighs, and you lean against Norah’s balcony, chewing your lip. “I have more press to do.” 

“Still?”

“Still.” She sounds just as weary about it as you do. “I can do Thursday night.” You tell her that works, and she tells you okay, and then there’s more silence. 

“Billie?” 

“Yes, Y/N?” You squirm at how she says your name, low and slow. 

“Can you not…get rid of my house yet?” You’re embarrassed for even asking, and it makes you feel so small and childlike, desperate. 

“It hadn’t even crossed my mind,” she says, and a knot you didn’t know was there unraveled. 

. . . 

On Wednesday night, you’re at Andy’s apartment. And up until about thirty minutes ago you had been watching a movie after a nice evening out. Now, Andy’s laying naked underneath you on her bed. Two of your fingers are buried inside her to the knuckle, and your mouth is on hers as she whines. This isn’t the first time you’ve done this with her, and it won’t be the last. Her hips buck into you, your palm is soaked with her, and she’s gasping so desperately. When she cums, it’s sweet and heady and her back arches with a high moan. And as she rides it out on your hand, you kiss her, deep and slow. 

Gradually, you pull your fingers from her and slip them between your mouths and into hers. She doesn’t blink, her eyes devouring you as she sucks your fingers clean. When Andy kisses you next it’s harder and faster, and you let her flip you over so she’s on top of you, straddling your still clothed thigh. 

“Andy,” you sigh as she kisses your neck. She hums, hand sliding up your bare stomach, gripping your ribcage. “Hey, you know I’m not…” she bites your throat and all rational thought falls away. “Oh god.” 

“Not ready?” she asks, pulling back to check in. You haven’t let her touch you yet. You haven’t let anyone touch you since Kate. It always felt too much like a violation, like you were breaking your vows or her trust or her respect or just her. You feel like Kate might shatter if you were to let someone else touch you the way Kate always touched you. You swallow, watching her chest rise and fall, her curls fall into her face, her bruised lips part for you. 

“Kiss me,” you say, breathless and nervous, and Andy needs no further prompting before she’s spreading your legs and settling her hips between them. She grinds into you, slow and tentative, holding your face in one hand, her mouth sucking marks on your neck. Your heart pounds and you sigh, letting your eyes close. Before you realize it, you're rolling your hips hard up into her, your legs around her, pulling her into you. 

“Baby,” Andy whispers, kissing your neck sweetly. You don’t respond, deciding instead to kiss her. She matches your pace, and when she slides a hand across your chest, still in a bra, you break. This is going to happen or it isn’t, and you’ve just reached the point of no return. 

“Fuck, just—” you struggle to articulate, warmth spreading between your legs. Andy hums, teasing, but she takes the hint. Slowly, she sits back on her heels, hands sliding down your body. You tense, nerves prickling. When her thumbs dig under the waistband of your sweatpants, your breathing quickens, and she pauses. 

“We don’t have to.” 

“I want to,” you respond quickly. And you do. You want to get past this barrier. So she slides them off, tossing them to the floor. You’re left in your underwear and bra, and Andy quickly comes back down to kiss you, one hand gripping your hip, the other your cheek. You’re thankful for the distraction, pulling her down harder. She smiles into you, digging her hips into yours. When her hand finally slides under the elastic of your underwear, you both sigh. You’re wetter than you thought you were, and Andy smiles into your mouth. As her fingers circle, she kisses your neck, sucking and nipping, and you close your eyes, trying to focus on the feeling. 

Without warning, a hollowness builds in your chest that you can’t shake. Your mind drifts and worries. Something isn’t right. You can feel Andy’s fingers slowing, and when she lifts them to your mouth, you take them obediently. The warmth between your thighs cools, but you let Andy touch you with saliva soaked fingers, and that helps, but something’s missing. Why don’t you feel more? 

“Let me taste you,” Andy breathes, and you nod, unable to form coherent thoughts. You squirm out of your underwear, and she tosses them aside, settling down between your thighs. Her hands are soft across your hip bones, and her breath is warm on the hair between your legs, and at the first stroke of her tongue, your head falls back against the pillow. 

Your eyes close, and it feels good, but you know it’s not good enough to make you cum. And it’s not Andy. Fuck, you know it’s not Andy. So you let yourself drift, and a memory surfaces. 

It’s a Sunday morning, and the blinds are half open, sheets crumpled at the end of the bed. You’re naked, and Kate’s mouth is buried between your trembling thighs. She’s already made you cum twice, and there’s a wet toy laying near your hip. 

“Kate, please,” you moan, breath stuttering. 

“Please, what, sunshine?” she asks, breath hot against you. You roll your hips into it, gripping the sheets with one hand. The other is tangled in her hair, pulling her gently back down. “So needy this morning,” she mumbles with a grin, and you groan, head hitting the pillow again. 

“Fuck you,” you grit, but it turns into a loud moan when she sucks on your clit. You break into a sweat, her tongue dipping inside you. “That feels so good,” you whine, bucking your hips up into her mouth. 

You thought that thinking of Kate during sex would hurt. Instead, it makes you so incredibly wet you can hear yourself on Andy’s mouth. Fuck.

Kate hums into you, and it sends a shock wave of pleasure through you. She knows exactly which buttons to press and how often and how hard, and you can’t get enough of it. 

“You wanna cum, baby?” Kate asks, never taking her lips off you. And those words would have sent you tumbling over the edge right there if Kate weren’t actively looking for an answer, looking for you to wait. 

“Yes. God, Kate, please,” you moan, pulling at her hair. You feel desperate, needy, and you’re throbbing, sweating, trembling. Kate kisses you between your legs, drags her tongue up your center, then tells you to cum for her. And you do. 

You do. 

Riding out waves of pleasure on Andy’s mouth, you moan, gripping her hair. As she slows, your mind races, heart pounding. Fuck. 

. . . 

Billie’s there when you get to Insomnia the next night, one leg folded over the other, a book in her hand. She looks up when the bell chimes and stands as you approach, sitting only as you sit. It’s chivalrous and affectionate in a way unique to Billie, the way she holds your gaze as you move. You know she’s calculating and precise in everything she does, but when she looks at you there’s always something deeper, something softer and more careful. 

“Hey,” you breathe, already feeling underdressed and needing some way to break the tension that crackles between you. “I really wish you would just wear normal people clothes every once and a while.” She raises an eyebrow, a smile already creeping onto her lips. 

“I assure you these are normal clothes.” She’s in slacks and a blouse and heels you’d break your ankle in, and her makeup is flawless for 9pm. In response, you look down at your long sleeved shirt and corduroy pants and motion between you helplessly. “You look lovely,” she says, voice softening. 

“You make me look less lovely,” you argue, and she cocks her head down skeptically at you. 

“I promise you it’s the opposite,” Billie responds, and you can tell immediately that she’s serious and wonder if she’s suffered a concussion recently. So, you take a deep breath and shrug your shoulders. 

“I guess we’re both just really ugly and unfashionable then.” Something sparkles in Billie’s eyes, and she chews her lip as if considering whether to let your ridiculous compliments sink in. Your lip quirks up at her, and then you stand. “Come on, let’s order.” She follows you to the counter, and when you pay for her desert, she gives you a withering, embarrassed look but doesn’t put up much of a fight otherwise. Vivian is there, and though she doesn’t smile, you’ve learned that a head nod is essentially equivalent, so you give her one back and stuff a couple dollars in the tip jar. You feel like she’s seen you at some of your worst moments in the same way that Billie has. 

“So how are you?” Billie asks as you dip your spoon into your sundae. You consider the question. You didn’t end up sleeping over at Andy’s last night. Instead, you squirmed in bed with her for an hour before making up an excuse to leave. Then you cried in your car for twenty minutes because you can’t cum without thinking about your dead wife, and you’re not sure what that means. But you think that may be too much to talk about with Billie right after you had a fight about said dead wife. 

“I’m…okay. You?” Billie raises one shoulder. 

“The same.” 

“Scintillating,” you nod, and Billie rolls her eyes. “Tell me about the press stuff.” 

“Really?” Billie winces, digging her fork into her slice of apple pie. You nod, wondering when she’s gonna start believing that you care about her stuff. She tells you that season two’s been officially confirmed with Lifetime, and you congratulate her earnestly and enthusiastically. You think she might even believe it. She also tells you that she’s heard rumors of an Emmy nomination. It’s dismissive and a little sheepish, so you reach over and squeeze her hand. 

“That’s amazing, Billie. Really.” The smile that tugs faintly at Billie’s lips is embarrassed but proud, and that’s enough for you. When you let go of her hand there’s a moment when you miss the coolness of her skin on yours, and you swallow, letting the silence hang for a second between you. 

“Can I tell you something?” You nod, and she looks up at you, her eyes more guarded than before. “After you left, and I didn’t hear from you for a week, I started to think you didn’t want to speak to me again. And I was going to respect that. I’m just…confused. You confuse me.” She shakes her head, looking at you like you’re a puzzle she’s determined to solve, and you’re not sure whether that’s a compliment or not. So, you decide to be honest with her. 

“I’m upset that you went behind my back. I’m angry, actually. Because you lied to me for months,” you say, voice even and strong. “But I also know that you gave me…a precious, invaluable gift. And I don’t know how to even begin to thank you for it.” Billie presses her lips together, an emotion you can’t place swelling behind her eyes. Embarrassment, maybe. “And I’m sorry I gave you whiplash. I just…I don’t think it’s worth it, really, to be angry at you. I’ve already wasted enough months being angry at you. I want…” you sigh, faltering, because what do you want? What is all of this coming to? “I want to keep doing this. Me and you. At Insomnia. Or at a jazz club, stepping on your toes. Or at your wrap party arguing with your coworkers,” you smile, shrugging, and it pulls one from Billie too. Her hands are in her lap. She’s holding herself tightly, as if too much emotion will make her crumble. 

“I want that too,” she admits, voice hoarse, and you watch her eyes deepen, something inside her swell against her will. Before you can prod at it, she pushes it down. “And I understand you don’t want to hear it, but I am sorry. I wish it were different.” 

“What do you mean?” you ask, your chest tightening. She presses her lips together, gathering her thoughts. 

“If we’d met under different circumstances, there’d be less hurt between us,” she explains, fingers digging into her chest at the word hurt, as if it were a physical pain. And maybe for her it is. 

“Billie,” you sigh, leaning over the table and grabbing her hand from her chest to hold it in both of your own. You didn’t realize she had such a profound guilt complex. Though you suppose in her line of work it becomes inevitable. “If the circumstances were different we wouldn’t have met at all,” you remind her, searching her eyes, thumb swiping across the back of her hand. She gives you a tight, watery smile, and you realize that what she’s feeling is insecure. Your stomach sinks, and you frown, squeezing her hand. “I would have been fine without you. But I’m glad I don’t have to be.” 

She laughs, abrupt and gasping, and you smile, searching her eyes, hoping you conveyed the message you wanted to. There doesn’t seem to be enough words in the English language to express to Billie how you feel. That if you’d met her at Insomnia and she didn’t have the gifts she does, you’d still be glad to know her. Though she seems to understand because she squeezes your hand back. Still, you stand up and round the table, bending down to wrap Billie in a hug. She’s stiff for a moment, but when her arms eventually slide around you, they’re careful and delicate. Briefly, you spread a hand across the back of Billie’s head, holding her against you, leaning your cheek into her hair. 

“We’re good, okay?” you whisper. She doesn’t answer, but you feel her hold you a little more purposefully. When you pull away, there’s a rare vulnerability in her eyes, an openness you savor. You think this might be one of the first times you’re seeing Billie without a mask. 

“Finally?” she asks, brow quirking up, and now it’s your turn to laugh. 

“Yes,” you enunciate playfully. And before you go to sit back down, you steal a bite of Billie’s pie. Her smile is soft and willing and easy as she watches your lips close over her fork. There’s something else in her eyes too, something just a shade darker. And as you stand over her and she looks up, you think maybe Kate used to look at you like that. 

[entriprises]

this might be a heavy question but i'm afraid i have to ask it ... when it comes to holly and her dad, their dynamic (at least in canon) seems to be a lot of responsible kid vs irresponsible adult. there's a lot of other factors in this and it's definitely not JUST that ofc (holland's depression, adjusting to life as a single dad, and the overall grief they both share). but from holly's perspective, does it ever become frustrating for her? is she able to empathize with her dad's perspective? do any of these feelings change as she gets older? very curious to know your thoughts, mwah

it's a heavy question but i think about this all the time even if i don't get to write about it a lot ever, so thank you for asking! i am gonna stick this under a read more because i already know that this one will be extensive even though i haven't started writing yet bsgjkdsb

holly is a kid. point blank -- she's a child. no matter how mature or smart she is, how much of an empathetic little gold heart she has, how much she's been exposed to... end of the day she is a kid and she looks at the world through a little bit of kid goggles. this is to say that she has a pretty limited point of view / opinion of her father, and she goes heavily through the typical thing of being unable to see your parents as humans with flaws and mistakes. every kid is guilty of it, it's not always rational, and parent-child relationships are so complicated because there's just so much more of an expectation of perfectionism at times.

she is old enough to remember losing her mom and what her dad was like before and that is a comparison that holland may never live up to in holly's mind. it frustrates her to no end, and it takes a while for her to come around on the idea that that version of her father isn't coming back. he will never be who he was before, although she may see glimpses of it every once and while. the older she gets the more she is able to rationalize some of the behaviors he has and the responsibilities he wasn't able to uphold, but she was still hurt by them very much and there will always be the very emotional side of her. even if she doesn't always blame him, even if she loves him, he still hurt her.

he fell into depression, started drinking, and she had to pick up so many of the pieces that she didn't feel like she had enough space for her own grief. she resents that heavily. it's part of the reason she is as blunt as she is with her dad. more than it is her sassy sarcastic nature, she's a little fed up with him. she needs him to do things himself because she's barely fourteen and more than she doesn't want to do them, she doesn't know how!

this is especially complicated because he goes back and forth between having her be an adult and take on those responsibilities (even if he's not directly asking her to), and treating her like a child. it's confusing and frustrating because to holly he needs to make up his mind. he can't have both, and it causes a lot of disconnect and tension between them. this is the number one subject of any fight that holly starts with him.

still, as much as they put each other through, he is the only parent she has left. holly gets angry with him, she's tired of a lot of the stuff that goes on, but he's her dad and that grief and loss will keep her coming back to him. that and the fact she does know a different side of him and hopes it'll come back. the older she gets, the easier it is for her to put some of those things aside just because she's a little more used to them, knows how to brush them off, and of course as time moves on for both of them there's a lot that can change. i do think that canon leaves them in a little bit of a more promising place for growth.

[silver-rings-and-rabbits]

Open Heart - Chapter 14

Hearing Impaired

Matthew dressed and went straight to Edenbrook, without even catching any of his roommates on the way out. He barely paused as he walked through the hospital’s entrance, going straight up to Chief Emery’s office with measured breathing. He only slowed down when he heard the voices inside.

“…can’t allow yourself to be seen as weak or unsure, Aurora. You have a name and so much talent to live up to.”

“But—”

“It’s OK. Just rest and study up and you’ll be better tomorrow.”

There was a brief pause and then the door opened, revealing Aurora looking furious…but the minute she saw Matthew, her face flooded with shame and she ran down the hallway. Matthew hesitated, wondering if he should go after her.

“Is someone there?” Harper called.

It was now or never. Matthew squared his shoulders as he entered the office. Harper raised her eyebrows.

“Dr Valentine…I’m sorry, but if you think a personal appeal is going to change my mind about this investigation—”

“I’m not asking you to change your mind.”

Matthew closed the door and stood in front of Harper’s desk.

“Everyone keeps telling me to keep my head down and keep myself safe, but I need to stand up for what’s right. So yes. I’m the one who administered V-3706 to Mrs Martinez.”

Harper sat back in her chair. She just about managed to keep her face smooth…except for a twitch in her jaw as she fought the urge to drop it open. Matthew stood on the front-line, appearing certain but his heart pounded and he felt a little light-headed.

“You’re…confessing,” Harper murmured. She sighed and looked up at him. “You understand what this means, Dr Valentine?”

“Yes.” Matthew nodded. “But I want the chance to defend my choices and my future at an ethics hearing.”

Harper nodded slowly, pursing her lips. She uncapped a pen and reached for a notebook.

“I admire the courage it must have taken to walk into my office and tell the truth, so I’ll call your hearing. Keep working for now, I’ll be in touch about the next stage.” She paused after writing Matthew’s name at the top of a page. “You know if you lose…and it’s highly possible…you’ll never work in medicine again.”

The possibility broke Matthew’s heart, but continuing to keep this secret from everyone for what seemed an infinite amount of time might have broken him.

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

“You’re crazy.”

It was later that night and Matthew was sat in the living room. His roommates surrounded him, wearing gobsmacked expressions as he told them about that morning. Jackie had broken the silence first.

“Agreed,” Elijah said. “Damn, Matthew…”

“And she’s calling a hearing?” Sienna asked as she cuddled Spooky in her hands. Matthew nodded.

“How are you feeling?” Jackie asked.

“The guilt was killing me. I don’t regret confessing. Whatever happens now, I’ll deserve it.”

“Martyr,” Jackie scowled. “You’re fighting though, right? I’ll help you prepare your arguments if you want.”

“Same.”

“And me.”

“Thanks guys,” Matthew said, smiling slightly. “The thing is, I can’t decide whether or not to tell my mom.”

The other three exchanged glances at that.

“I think you’ll disagree,” Jackie said. “But I wouldn’t, at least not until I had a definite answer.”

“I’d tell my family,” Sienna said.

“What would happen if you didn’t tell her?” Elijah said. “It would still be a secret you’re keeping, and you don’t want her to find out from an outside source. What if the press finds out?”

“At this point I wouldn’t trust the snake to not sell the story if he got the chance,” Jackie said, and Matthew shuddered at the idea of Holly finding out via Landry. “I think I heard that he’s paying another intern to sleep on their couch whilst he’s between apartments.”

“Really? I assumed he was sleeping at the hospital,” Elijah said, as the two of them headed for the kitchen. Elijah went for coffee, Jackie started boiling water for noodles. Matthew sat back to watch Spooky scampering over the floor as he pondered his friends’ advice. He didn’t have to think about it for long; Elijah had been right about the secrets.

He slipped into his room, quietly closing the door, and sat at his desk that was currently cluttered with notes and books. Remy’s ukulele was balanced on a few nails in the wall. Matthew stared at it as he waited for Holly to pick up her phone. A small part of him hoped she wouldn’t pick up, but when she did, the sudden rush of homecoming lifted his spirit a little.

“Matthew!! What a nice surprise!”

She sounded delighted. Matthew felt a tiny bit guilty that he had gone for so long without calling.

“Hey Mom, how are you?”

“Doing good. It’s been busy over here, we got some new riding students with the beginning of the school year, which is great, but now there’s all the admin and juggling their lesson times whilst I’m still working at the café. Still, better than trying to stretch the budget…”

Matthew smiled as he listened. When he’d left for college, Holly and Rob had a handful of kids who were learning to horse ride. By the time he graduated, it had become a full-on riding school.

“How about you, Matthew? How’s Rafael and your friends?”

“Um…Rafael got hurt rescuing people after a subway derailment.” Matthew bit his lip, remembering the surgery. “He’s OK though, he just needs to take some time to recover.” He took a deep breath and cut to the chase. “Mom…there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“What’s wrong?”

Matthew told her everything that had led to him standing in the chief’s office that morning.

“She’s agreed to call an ethics hearing so I can defend myself, but the final decision comes down to the ethics committee.”

“So if they decide…?”

“They can clear me, or decide to revoke my medical licence.”

Matthew moved from his chair and flopped onto his bed. He was scared, he couldn’t deny it, but worse than the ethics hearing was Holly’s reaction. There was a long pause and then Holly gave a very deep sigh, which really hit Matthew’s guilty conscience.

“Mom, I don’t regret what I did, and Mrs Martinez wanted her freedom more than anything—”

“I’m not mad at you Matthew, you’ve always tried to do what’s best for other people. It’s just, sometimes, I wish you’d think with your head rather than your heart.”

“I know,” Matthew murmured.

“Well, it’s in the past. You’ve just got to face the consequences, whatever they may be,” Holly said. “How do you prepare for this? Will you need testimonies or something?”

“I think so, I’ll have to get residents and attendings on my side.”

“What about Dr Ramsey? He’d be great.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Matthew winced. That was a problem he was not about to get into.

“What if…if it doesn’t go how you want? Will you want to stay in Boston?”

“I think so,” Matthew nodded. “My friends are here, I don’t want to just walk out on them.”

He could hear Holly’s smile in her voice. “I’m glad you found such a close-knit group of friends, you seemed to miss out on that at college. But listen, Matthew, you know that whatever happens, you can always come home for a little while. You’ll always have a place to stay at my house.”

“I know.” Matthew grew wistful as he pictured their small house overlooked by a mountain. “Thanks Mom.”

They chatted and caught up for another hour. Holly was outraged when Matthew confirmed it was Landry who ratted him out. She called him a devious little backstabber, which surprised Matthew so much he burst out laughing. It was relaxing for Holly to hear, and she was always happy to hear about the rest of his friends.

“I still can’t believe you haven’t met them.”

“Do you want me to come up for your hearing?”

“No, don’t worry. I know it’s hard for you to get time off on short notice.”

“OK, we’ll keep trying. And you’ll keep me updated with the hearing?”

“Of course.”

Holly wished Matthew luck before saying goodbye. It was nice to hear her voice again, he missed her more than he realised. He might have been approaching twenty-seven, but he could have done with her company.

Over the next few days, Matthew caught up with Rafael, Bryce and Kyra over what was happening. Bryce was as shocked as Jackie had been, Rafael looked at him with admiration, and Kyra called him a bad-ass, making him promise that he would still visit her, no matter what. She’d had an intensive round of chemo, but showed a little progress and was hopeful for a few days discharge over Matthew’s hearing, if they were lucky. And then Matthew got an email that he would have a pre-liminary hearing the next day at 11AM.

He stood in front of the double doors of the conference room – which had suddenly become extremely imposing – with measured breathing, reminding himself of why he was doing this in the first place.

“You sure you don’t want us to go in with you?” Bryce asked.

“I’ll be fine. This part will be over quick.”

“Good luck.” Sienna squeezed him. “We’ll be rooting for you.”

Matthew tried not to think about the room’s precise capacity as he entered and walked to a podium that faced an eight-seated panel. One of the chairs was empty; Dr Banerji’s position had never been refilled. That left Dr Tanaka, Dr Lozoya, Dr Chandra, Dr Wen, Dr Cyrus, Dr Rosario and Chief Emery, who was sat in the middle. Some of them might have once looked at Matthew with respect…but now they looked at him coldly.

A rustle and a cough from a few seats away distracted him, and his eyes darted to the side to see Declan Nash sitting as casually as he might in the cinema, a smug smirk on his face. Matthew gritted his teeth and turned back to the panel.

“Good morning, Dr Valentine, and thank you all for coming to this preliminary hearing,” Chief Emery said. “In three days time, we will hear witness testimony regarding Dr Matthew Valentine’s conduct surrounding the death of Mrs Teresa Martinez, after which the board will vote whether to revoke Dr Valentine’s privileges at Edenbrook. Do you understand, Dr Valentine?”

“I understand, Chief Emery.”

Dr Wen took over. She was the chief lab technician but Matthew had never interacted with her directly. She spoke very sternly.

“Depending on the outcome, the Massachusetts state medical board will then review whether to revoke your licence as well.”

“Do you have an opening statement, Dr Valentine?” Dr Tanaka asked. He had started to recognise Matthew as one of Bryce’s friends and would nod at him when they passed in the hall. There was no amicability on his face now.

“I regret breaking the rules.” Matthew had straightened his arguments the night before. “But I don’t regret helping Mrs Martinez.”

“You’re saying that, given the chance, you’d do this again?”

Matthew had prepared for this question too.

“Yes. She was being let down by greed and cowardice, trapped here when a potential cure for her disease existed.”

Matthew thought he heard a scoff from Nash, but Chief Emery was speaking over it.

“You knew there was a risk the medication would kill a woman of her age.”

“So did she,” Matthew countered. “Mrs Martinez considered her options and chose to live, no matter how briefly, over another decade of loneliness and isolation.”

“So you say, without evidence to support your claim.”

“I care about my patients, Dr Tanaka, and that means their mental well-being as well as their health. I’m fighting for my career and I want that to be a career where the quality of a patient’s life matters.”

“Thank you, Dr Valentine. Your passion is certainly noted,” Chief Emery said. There might have been a note of admiration in her voice, but she banged the gavel and returned to her purely professional manner.

“Dr Valentine, you are hereby suspended from all duties until the conclusion of the hearing. Please hand in your badge and see to your residents about reassigning your cases.”

Matthew remembered how Ines had greeted him on his first day as he removed his badge and handed it to Harper. Still, he tried to think positively as he prepared to leave. Declan Nash caught him on the way out.

“What are you grinning about?” he asked, nastily.

“Trying to stay positive,” Matthew said smoothly, without looking at him.

“Yeah? Well, I’m positive you’re gonna be out on your ass,” Declan snarled, leaning closer to get into Matthew’s face. “In a few days you’ll be going by the way of Ethan Ramsey…unemployed.”

Matthew narrowed his eyes a fraction as Declan pushed past him, letting the door swing shut in Matthew’s face.

As soon as Matthew had received instructions from Zaid and Ines, he was passing off his cases to his fellow interns…but not before sprinting up to Rafael’s room to tell him about the hearing. Rafael wished him luck but looked anxious, and Matthew knew the feeling.

There was only one intern left to track down but no one had seen her. Matthew frowned as he searched the corridors, wondering if she was in Chief Emery’s office, when he heard a sob coming from a nearby supply closet. Fearing Sienna was having another difficult patient, he carefully opened the door, only to find Aurora Emery herself. She was huddled on the floor, bawling her eyes out. Make-up streaked her face.

“Hey, get out!” she shrieked, when she saw him.

That might have been the smart thing to do, but Matthew seemed to be developing a taste for less-smart decisions and shuffled into the closet, closing the door. Aurora glared up at him.

“Go ahead and say it.”

“Say what?”

“That I don’t deserve to be here! That I’m riding the back of my aunt’s success and I don’t deserve top spot. It’s all anyone ever wants to say to me,” she ranted, with another sob.

“Er…are you OK?”

“Do I look OK? I’m crying in a freaking supply closet!” Aurora tipped her head back against the shelves as more tears made their way down her face. Matthew shifted awkwardly on the spot.

“OK….what happened to make you cry in a supply closet?”

“Everything, OK? Everything…I’m just so goddamn tired.”

Matthew bit his lip.

“Why don’t you talk to your aunt about it? Surely she’d help with whatever’s bugging you.”

“My aunt, don’t you get it? She’s the problem!” Aurora cried. Matthew had never seen her like this. “I thought she’d lay off whilst she was busy with your hearing,” Aurora continued. “But she’s pushing me even harder. You all think I have an easy ride just because of her – which is, frankly, insulting – but you have no idea how much she expects of me.”

“Because of the family name?”

“Yeah, that. Also the fact that she hates being an administrator.” Aurora’s eyes narrowed. “Sometimes it feels like she’s trying to live through me because she doesn’t get to practice surgery anymore. She makes Zaid and Ines give me the most complicated cases and then she calls me into her office to talk about them for hours. She just grills and grills until I get to an answer. And then I get a moment to myself and I’m flocked by those…those leeches. It’s like med school all over again.”

Out of breath and miserable, Aurora looked up at Matthew.

“You have no idea what it’s like having all your achievements undermined, and having everyone trying to be your friend just because they want to get in with your family.”

Matthew felt guilty all over again for accusing Aurora of sabotaging him, when he’d had no proof except that she didn’t like him that much. It was bad enough being pressurised everywhere you turn, and then he had gone and snapped at her in the corridor. He might have apologised, but it didn’t excuse it.

He sat down on the floor beside Aurora and she blinked at him, still a tiny bit suspicious.

“I didn’t know you were having such a hard time,” he said, gently. “I’m sorry.”

“Like you care.” Aurora said, wearily. There was no bite to her voice, just that she’d heard it millions of times before. People being rude to her and accusing her of nepotism, then changing tack and sucking up. It would never end.

“Honestly? I had no idea who your aunt was.”

“Seriously? Did you learn medicine in the woods or something?”

“That’s what Jackie said.” Matthew had a half-smile as he remembered.

Aurora wiped her eyes, thinking over her interactions with Matthew. Besides blowing up in the hallway – which she could admit she had provoked a tiny bit – he had been mostly nice. They had come together during the subway crash with no problem…and he had stepped in before Ramsey could chew her out for forgetting to check back on a patient on their first day.

“You…haven’t been the worst,” she said. “It’s just…people in general.”

Matthew hesitantly lay a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m guessing you’ve been let down so much in the past that you’ve kind of given up on giving people a chance?”

Aurora nodded.

“I get that, you don’t want to give your trust to people who will break it. But the thing is, if you never give yourself a chance to be wrong, you’ll never be right either.”

The prospect of Aurora spending her entire career with her current perspective was a lonely one. In Matthew’s quiet company, he wasn’t so bad. And they did seem to make a good team. Maybe she didn’t want him to be fired after all.

Matthew squeezed her shoulder and then handed her his charts.

“I’ve been suspended so you get my best cases.” He paused and looked her in the eye. “You’re their doctor now, not your aunt.”

Suspension officially underway as soon as the last chart left his hand, Matthew stood and left Aurora to it. She watched him, slightly surprised.

Leaving Edenbrook at that time of day felt like falling into the twilight zone. Everything was the same, but something was distinctly out of place. If he left the hospital in the daytime, it was under the weight of exhaustion, but now he walked down the street, looking all around him as people rushed about their lives. So this was how it felt for the office workers, who had freedom to step out the office for an hour’s lunch break. What a novelty.

Matthew had something of a plan in mind: he emailed as many former patients as he could who would be able to testify for him, then stop by the library and find as much as he could on medical law and experimental treatments. He was on edge, but it made for a very productive afternoon. His brain burned with information, to the point where he decided not to set an alarm for the following morning.

He slept right through his roommates preparing for work and finally woke up just before noon, feeling oddly refreshed to wake up naturally. He showered and dressed, pausing at Landry’s room on his way to the kitchen. The bed covers were crisp and smooth having had no one sleeping under them for a few days, and there were odd gaps in the bookshelves where he’d already taken some books with him.

Matthew fried up some sausages for brunch, pondering what to do with the day on his own. It seemed that everyone was in the hospital for one reason or another and it was a little sad to be the only one on the other side of the door.

A loud squeak caught his attention and he glanced down to see Spooky hopping around the kitchen floor. He picked her up and offered his shoulder as a perch.

“Well, Spooky, what do you think we should do with our lives?”

The chinchilla did nothing.

“Good idea. Let’s watch TV.”

Matthew settled onto the couch, Spooky hopped onto his stomach, and he flicked through the daytime channels, wondering if he was going round the bend. He couldn’t just sit and zone out to the TV, it was too unproductive. He’d never really had this much free time since before med school and now he didn’t know what to do with it.

His eyes wandered round the room before settling on the phone he had left on the coffee table. He had emailed Ethan, alongside some other residents, but there had been no answer. Had he been written off as a lost cause, or had something happened with Naveen that was taking all Ethan’s time?

Voices and a key in the lock made him jump, then his roommates, plus Bryce, poured into the living room.

“Surprise!” Sienna sang. “We come bearing brunch!” She was holding carrier bags full of delicious smells.

“Wait, what—”

“We weren’t going to let you sit here and be miserable on your own. That’s a group activity!”

“But how—”

“We called in some favours and switched shifts!”

They were all grinning at him.

“You guys didn’t have to do this!”

“Admit it,” Elijah laughed. “If it were any of us, you’d be doing the same thing.”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“No buts!” Bryce said, loudly, settling down beside Matthew. “We’re here and we only slightly regret agreeing to this.”

Spooky sniffed Bryce curiously and he was instantly distracted, having never met her before. He and Sienna fussed over her as Matthew turned to Jackie.

“Are you sure? I mean…the competition. You could still win this thing.”

Jackie, however, shook her head. “They’re keeping up the rankings for now, but with Banerji and Ramsey gone, it’s unlikely there’ll be a team next year anyway.” She rolled her eyes. “Anyway, enough of that. Mimosa time!”

Matthew watched in awe as they set up a spread of cooked foods, pastries, fruit juice, mimosas, and even a pot of coffee with a fancy brand of coffee beans. They had really gone all out, cementing themselves as Matthew’s favourite people.

Spooky had to be closed in her cage, away from the food, where she squeaked at them indignantly and pointedly ignored her own helping of pellets and water. Meanwhile, the roommates dug in to their feast.

“Where did you find these croissants, Sienna?”

“There’s a pop-up bakery in town. Danny recommended it to me.”

“Ooooh, he did, did he?”

“Shut up!” Sienna was blushing and giggling furiously. Bryce turned to Matthew.

“That reminds me, Sienna and I checked in on Rafael before we left. Figured you wouldn’t want him to be abandoned, and he’s still healing really well.”

“Thanks Bryce. That’s great to hear.”

“He’s a cool guy,” Bryce nodded. “He should hang out with us more often.”

“I’m sure I can convince him to do that,” Matthew said, as the doorbell rang. They glanced around at each other before Jackie answered the door warily to reveal Ines and Zaid.

“What are you doing here?” She greeted them.

Zaid put on a creepy smile. “We’re here for mimosa brunch, obvi!”

“Really?”

“No, not really!”

Nevertheless, they invited the residents inside and offered coffee and food. Ines touched Matthew’s shoulder, lightly.

“We wanted to check on you when we could. Who else have you recruited to testify on your behalf so far?”

Zaid took over the explanation: “Since the board is spending these days finding…oh my god, what the hell is that thing?” He had just seen Spooky, who had pressed her nose to the cage, looking directly at Zaid, whiskers twitching.

“That’s Spooky! She’s our chinchilla,” Sienna giggled. “Want to say hello?”

“Absolutely not.” Zaid glared at the cage before turning back to Matthew. “As I was saying, the board will be recruiting witnesses, but you’ll need plenty of people to defend you.”

Matthew thought aloud.

“I’ve emailed my patients…I guess senior physicians will be useful, they carry a lot of weight…”

“No, you need…oh, senior physicians, yes. Sorry, just so used to correcting you.”

Matthew ignored the jab. Ines gave him an encouraging smile.

“I know you don’t know the senior staff that well, but it’s Sunday…and great golfing weather! If you were to head down to King Charles Country Club, it’s a great opportunity to get to know them.”

Matthew’s jaw dropped and he glanced round at his friends, who were just as surprised.

“Why are you helping me?”

“Why do you think?” Zaid scoffed. “You getting kicked out of the program looks bad for us.” He stalked out the door. Ines sighed and turned back to Matthew.

“He’s been worried about you all week. We both have. You might be our interns now, but one day we want you to be our colleague. Good luck,” she added, following Zaid out.

A contemplative silence filled the room for a minute.

“What the hell are we supposed to do at a country club?” Jackie muttered.

“Do any of us even know how to golf?” Sienna asked.

“I can, a little,” Elijah said. “They have these motorised standing carts for disabled players. I’m not great though.”

“Trust me, as long as you look great, nothing else matters,” Bryce insisted. “These doctors probably all suck at golf too. You’d better get changed Matthew, you look like you’ve just tumbled out of bed.”

“You’re just jealous,” Matthew taunted as he stepped into his room to change and brush his hair. He didn’t know what you were supposed to wear at a country club, just that their members tended to be old, rich snobs. He settled on a pale blue shirt, smart white pants and a pale yellow knit that was better suited for spring time weather. He knotted it round his shoulders and hoped he looked like someone who knew what he was doing.

Everyone piled into Bryce’s car – which was on the verge of falling apart – for the hour long drive to the country club that overlooked the sea. A nearby lighthouse stood surrounded by sharp rocks and bits of old shipwreck. Matthew wondered which had come first: the wreck or the lighthouse.

The car rolled down a long pathway leading to a pristine white-painted building, with intricate floor-to-ceiling front windows, surrounded by immaculate flowerbeds. Jackie shuddered.

“So, if I were a very important doctor, where would I be?” Sienna mused as they looked around.

“Well, the heads of oncology and cardiology are over there.” Elijah pointed gleefully to a trio of doctors walking out to the golf course. Matthew gulped as Bryce, oblivious, clapped him on the back.

“That other guy leads cardiothoracic surgery. Jackpot!”

“Wait,” Matthew said quickly, stopping them from running ahead. “How am I supposed to impress them? I’ve never even played golf before.”

“I’ve heard about Myles, she’s all about trial by fire. Apparently she’s gunning for the interns to compete for something every year since it makes us work harder. Yannick’s all about evidence and data, I’ve chatted to him about research before,” Elijah said, with confidence.

“And Calais talks about nothing but golf,” Bryce grinned.

“But, for the love of god, don’t look at his nose hair,” Elijah warned as the girls walked on ahead, calling out to the attendings who looked over in surprise.

“Good morning, young doctors. I wasn’t expecting to see interns here,” Calais said. Elijah had been right about the nose hair. Matthew focused on Calais’s eyes only.

“We were lucky enough to have a day off work together and thought we’d put it to good use,” Bryce said, flicking his hair out of his eyes. “What do you say we challenge you to a round of golf?” He shot a covert wink towards Matthew. Meanwhile the attendings shared a chuckle.

“Well, interns v attendings could be fun,” Yannick said. “Losers buy a round of drinks?”

“That sounds expensive,” Jackie muttered, as Bryce sealed the deal.

The group set off with the caddies towards the first hole, and Matthew found himself fall into step with Dr Myles.

“How are you finding life at Edenbrook?” she asked him.

“Brutally challenging,” Matthew said. He didn’t need to lie about this one as he talked about his first year, breaking the news that a patient might never walk again, or a mother had to choose between her own life or her unborn child. It was one thing to study a theory in med school and practice on cadavers, but having a life in your hands depending on a split-second decision was another thing altogether. Dr Myles lapped it all up.

“I know your first year is a steep learning curve, but it’s so important for your career development that you get thrown in the deep end right away,” she said, as they prepared to tee off.

The attendings made decent shots, with Dr Calais landing closest to the hole, then Sienna made a good swing, to her surprise. Bryce’s golf ball almost sailed over the green.

“A little less gusto next time?” Calais laughed. Bryce grinned sheepishly.

“Guess I don’t know my own strength.”

Elijah and Jackie didn’t make such good swings, and then it was Matthew’s turn. He grasped his club, glanced out over the green, back to the ball, let out a breath, and swung clean and true. His ball sailed through the air and landed near Calais’s. His friends looked surprised, the attendings applauded.

“Splendid shot!” Calais commented. “We should play together more often, Doctor…?”

“…Dr Valentine.”

There was a shocked silence from the attendings. His friends held still with bated breath.

“You’re the intern under investigation for the death of Teresa Martinez,” Myles stated. Matthew confirmed he was.

“Let me guess,” Calais said. “You didn’t come here just to play golf.”

“No, Dr Calais,” Sienna said, suddenly. “We need your help.” Her earnest voice didn’t tremble once.

The attendings exchanged glances and, although they weren’t leaping to Matthew’s side, they weren’t storming away in disgust either.

“You know it’s difficult for us to stand up to the board without knowing you, Dr Valentine,” Yannick warned, as he stepped forward. He was surprisingly short. “I, along with many long-term patients and colleagues, consider myself a close friend of Teresa’s. So, first, tell me why you did it. Why did you give her that dangerous medication?”

Matthew suddenly felt slightly indignant.

“I had enough evidence that it could work,” he said, explaining the long night of research he and his friends had conducted. The data they had gathered was bundled up and sat on the desk in his bedroom. It might have just swayed the stern attending.

“Interesting…will you send that to me?”

“Of course. I’ll have one of my friends bring it to you tomorrow.”

“Fantastic.” Yannick suddenly smiled, and Matthew let himself feel a tiny bit optimistic.

“Well, from what I’ve heard, you seem like a smart doctor, and it sounds like you have a lot of promise,” Myles said. “So I’m happy to speak on your behalf.”

“As am I,” Calais confirmed. Matthew hardly dared to believe it.

“Thank you so much, doctors.”

“Don’t thank us yet,” Calais warned. “We can only convince the board so much…but, for what it’s worth, we’re not alone in wanting to support you.”

“Everyone at the hospital knows you violated the rules,” Myles said. “But when it comes to your punishment, there have been a few…let’s say, ‘friendly disputes’.”

Sienna looked hopeful. “So…other doctors are rooting for Matthew too.”

“Half of them,” Calais nodded. “The other half want to see his privileges revoked.”

“The entire hospital is at war over this.” Yannick said. “Dr Valentine, if I were you, I’d keep preparing a solid argument for your case, the more, the better; every single decision needs to be justified. And we’ll see you on Tuesday.”

The attendings returned to their game after bidding farewell to the interns, as they got back into Bryce’s car.

“That sounds like you’ve still got a fighting chance,” Bryce said, cheerily.

Matthew didn’t disagree, but he wasn’t going to get his hopes up.

“Come on, senior physicians and Ethan Ramsey on your side! That’s a strong army already,” Elijah encouraged as Bryce pulled away, back down the pathway and into the city.

“But I haven’t heard from Ramsey since he quit.”

“What the hell, Matthew? You need to reach out to him!” Jackie protested. “He still has major clout, even if he quit.”

“Seriously. Text him right now.”

Matthew rolled his eyes, but texted Ethan to ask if they could talk about his hearing and whether Ethan could help. A reply came up almost immediately.

“…He says ‘I hate texting’.”

“That checks out,” Jackie snorted, as Matthew read another text saying they’d have to meet in person, followed by an address.

Later that afternoon, Matthew followed Ethan’s directions to a towering apartment block. It took a minute for Ethan to buzz Matthew in. He lived in the top floor penthouse, and Matthew couldn’t help feeling impressed: shiny black leather sofas, a glass topped coffee table, electric fireplace, a book shelf full of thick textbooks. Yet more floor-to-ceiling windows overlooked the city, basking in the golden afternoon. The only thing spoiling the image was the number of empty mugs and liquor bottles scattering the open-plan kitchen, where the man himself stood.

Ethan looked even more dishevelled and sleepless than when Matthew had last seen him. His stubble was almost a beard, and his eyes were red and heavy. He merely greeted Matthew with a nod.

“…Have you heard from Naveen?” Matthew asked cautiously.

“All I know is he isn’t dead.” Ethan’s voice was rough and empty. “I drive by his house sometimes.”

“Does he know you’re there?”

“I doubt it.”

Ethan picked up a half-empty bottle of scotch that was already open on the counter, offering some to Matthew, who shook his head. Ethan filled a glass and, to Matthew’s alarm, downed it.

“I heard your preliminary hearing didn’t go too well,” he stated.

“Wait, you heard about that?”

“Obviously.”

“Right. So…you’ll testify for me?”

“You have friends for that.”

“But they’re not my mentor. The board will be much more likely to listen to you than a bunch of interns.”

“Ah, but I’m not your mentor either.”

“But—”

“I’m not, Valentine. You were one intern of many, that’s all.”

He had called Matthew ‘Valentine’ and not ‘Rookie’.

“Why are you being so…cold?”

Ethan poured another drink, not looking at him. Irritation flared in Matthew’s head. His career was on the line, and Ethan was not only being less-than-helpful, he was actively disinterested in anything Matthew had to say.

“Come on, you know I’m a good doctor,” he said, not shouting but certainly raising his voice. “You want me to be the best doctor I can be, so help me!”

“I can’t.”

“What’s happened to you? I came to Edenbrook to learn from the Ethan Ramsey—”

Ethan had been taking a drink, but now slammed his glass down on the counter, the dark liquid splashing up over the side.

“This is The Ethan Ramsey!” He exploded at Matthew. “The man who can save anyone except the people he gives a damn about.”

“Wait, one case you can’t solve, and you’re giving up completely? Well, that’s the opposite of what you taught me to do—”

“I already told Harper I wanted to testify for you, alright?” Ethan snapped. “She refused on the grounds that I’m too biased and you know what? She’s goddamned right!” He pinched the bridge of his nose, suddenly looking older and tired. “There’s nothing else I can do now. I don’t work there, and soon, neither will you.”

Before coming to Edenbrook, Matthew had pictured Dr Ramsey as someone who worked tirelessly night and day, making breakthroughs on the cases everyone else had given up on, because he had the talents to do the most good in the world and saving lives. Ten years into his career and he was still fighting for the system, because insurance companies didn’t take nuances into account, because there was still hope for his patients, and it was never over until it was over.

And yet that man was now stood in the fancy apartment he didn’t care about, with an unkempt beard and greasy hair, bags under his eyes, surrounded by liquor bottles, and no inclination to change. He had given up the fight already. It was extremely disillusioning to think that Matthew had once wanted to be like this man.

“You’re Ethan Ramsey. You could have done more if you wanted,” Matthew snarled. Ethan winced, but Matthew didn’t care anymore. “I’m sorry to have interrupted your drinking, but I need to figure out a way to keep my job. Because someone told me not to give up.”

Matthew slammed the door on the way out.

He didn’t sleep well that night, tossing and turning, waking up to the sound of his three roommates preparing for work. He stayed under the covers until he heard them leave, then quickly dressed to go for a run.

He stopped by the library when he was finished, desperately checking out another medical law book, then decided to grab a take-away coffee and pastry for breakfast. One more day to prepare.

He had just about settled on the apartment couch when Landry walked into the living room and they both yelled in surprise.

“What the hell are you doing here?!”

“I…I sent an email! I was going to pack up the rest of my stuff today whilst everyone was working.”

Matthew didn’t remember the email. Maybe his brain was ignoring Landry’s name.

“Thanks to you, I don’t have anywhere else to be.”

Landry scoffed, pompously.

“I see you still don’t think any of this was your fault.”

“I know what I did,” Matthew spat. “And I’m owning it to the public.”

Landry looked surprised. He really didn’t know much beyond his own conclusions.

“Right. Well. I’m glad. And I hope you don’t get kicked out.”

“That’s really not worth much.”

Matthew glared down at Landry, radiating cold fury, until Landry looked away.

“I’ll, um, finish up and get out of your hair.”

“Better get started then.”

Matthew sat back down and picked up his book. Landry was grunting and huffing as he packed up boxes and hauled them from his old bedroom to the door. Matthew was already in the zone, blocking him out and reading through the pages. He only stopped when he could sense someone looking at him. Landry had finished packing, and they regarded each other coolly.

“Remember when I said I wasn’t going to enter the competition?” Matthew said. He hadn’t realised his friendship would end with a stab in the back. Maybe that was his own shortcomings.

“I remember,” Landry nodded. “I thought Aurora was the threat. I should have realised it was always going to come down to the two of us.”

“It didn’t have to. We could have helped each other.”

“I wish that were the case, I do. But we have the exact same career goal and there was only ever going to be room for one of us at Edenbrook. Until one of us won, it was always going to turn out like this. Tearing everything apart.”

Matthew couldn’t help feeling slightly saddened as the last embers of their friendship died. His friends had been so important to him, but one of them was doomed from the start. Instead of lifting each other up, they had become a battleground.

A battleground…with two sides fighting for the same goal…and sometimes a diagnosis lead to, not one root cause, but multiple causes, all interacting and interfering…Jake Sandberg…Nigel Platt…

“Holy crap…you’ve just helped me figure out what’s killing Dr Banerji.”

[heavencasteel420]

Can you do director’s commentary on Nancy’s letter drafts to Jonathan? 🥹 The one where she pretends she got Barb back killed me

Thank you for the ask! I'm so glad you liked the Barb letter; it was a late addition and I'm very fond of it myself.

(Some discussion of suicide and Billy being gross below the cut, not beyond what appears in the fic.)

Okay, so first of all, the Regular Letter:

Dear Jonathan,

I hope that you're doing well. I thought I would write to you to ask how things are going in Indianapolis. I know we didn’t really talk when you were still in Hawkins, but I was thinking about you the other day and wanted to see how you were.

What’s it like living in a city? I know it’s just Indianapolis, but I bet the record stores are better. I remember you liked all that art rock stuff. It’s probably nice to be in a place with more kinds of people, too. It gets a little boring around here.

Things are about the same for me. School is going well, even though I’m about to tear my hair out over chemistry. I’m still going out with Steve Harrington. You are probably making a face now and thinking “Ugh, Steve Harrington.”He’s actually matured a lot, though. And maybe you’re actually wondering why he’d go out with dorky Nancy Wheeler. Well, I haven’t matured a lot. I guess I’m about the same.

Do you remember Barb Holland, my best friend? There hasn’t been any news since you moved away. I don’t think she would’ve gone to Indianapolis, but could you keep an eye out for her?

Mom and Dad and Mike and Holly are all doing well. I hope you are, too.

Sincerely,

Nancy

Nancy's being so normal right now! She's very carefully trying not to brush up against any of the things about Jonathan's life that might be hard or weird or bad, which is difficult because all she has to go on is that he lives in Indianapolis with his dad and not in a mental hospital. (She remembers his taste in music, though!) She's sharing totally benign news about her own life

...and yet she's already getting a little weird with it. She brings up Jonathan's presumed dislike of Steve when (a) that's not something he ever shared with her and (b) it's not really a lighthearted topic, given that Jonathan's reason for disliking Steve is his obvious disdain for the Byers family. (I did have a draft where she says "ugh, Steve Harrington" in the letter she sends to Jonathan, and Jonathan's like "yes, Nancy, that's exactly how I said it, because I'm actually a Valley Girl now, how did you know?")

Her self-loathing also creeps in, albeit in a mild way. Her reasons for feeling not good enough for Steve are way sadder than her initial insecurity over him being cooler and slightly older, but she's still acting like Nice Girl Nancy in this letter so she reverts to that. And of course she asks about Barb.

(She crumpled up this letter and put it in the wastebasket because she thought it sounded too stupid.)

Now...the Mean Letter.

Dear Jonathan,

How are you doing? It doesn’t matter, because I’m about to make it worse, just like I always do. Maybe you remember the day I came up to you in the hallway and said I was sorry about Will. Maybe you don’t, because too many horrible things happened afterwards and there’s no reason you’d remember one wimpy girl offering her pathetic condolences. Either way, that’s maybe the last nice thing I ever did, and it wasn’t much.

Nancy's mostly being mean to herself here, but this would also be a super-fucked-up letter to send to Jonathan. She's just so angry at herself that she's indulging this fantasy of being horrible to other people, too.

Why am I writing to you, then, when I never talked to you when it might have actually helped? Well, hear me out: I was drinking in your old house with a bunch of kids who used to make fun of you for being weird and poor. That’s what people do in your old house now: drink and stare at the evidence of your mom losing her mind, like a bunch of ghouls. Tommy Hagan was one of them. Remember how he used to say you’d murdered Will? He feels kind of bad about it since you tried to kill yourself. Anyway, I drank too much bourbon and hallucinated your brother’s ghost. Just thought I’d let you know, in case you were nostalgic for the worst three months of your life. God, I hope they were the worst.

She's more actively ashamed of hanging out in his old house now (although, being Nancy, she's eventually going to be like "well, I did find Will's ghost, though!"). She's also recognizing that, even if she wrote it in a nice way, bringing up this false hope has the potential to be incredibly cruel.

What else is new? I let Billy Hargrove (you don’t know him, he moved here after you went away, but he’s an asshole) touch my boobs at a party, even though I’ve been going out with Steve Harrington for a year. I know Steve was always rude and snotty to you, but, trust me, I’m way worse than he is. I think Barb would hate the person I am now. Maybe she already knew I would turn out like this, and that’s why she left.

Her self-loathing is sharper and more specific here. She's not just hateful; Barb would hate her, and she caused Barb's disappearance by being awful. This is, of course, pretty nonsensical, given that (a) Barb couldn't predict the future and (b) if Barb could see what Nancy was going through, she would recognize that her drinking and her brittleness and her apathy are the result of losing her. She would be very sad!

I almost hope that’s true. If she left because she hated me, that would mean that she decided to leave, instead of being taken away. That would mean maybe she’s okay.

Anger is easier for Nancy to deal with than the grief underneath it, but the grief still works its way into the letter. She's probably a little drunk when she writes this.

I could probably get sued or even arrested for writing this letter. Recklessly using the U.S. Postal Service to inflict emotional distress or something. Maybe you can tell your dad to stop trying to sue the quarry and set his sights on Queen Bitch Nancy Wheeler instead.

I don’t know why I’m saying all of this to you. You don’t deserve it.

Sincerely yours,

Nancy

Again, this would be a fucked-up thing to say if she ever sent the letter, regardless of Jonathan's feelings about his dad. She scribbles over and tears up this letter, partly because she's horrified by it and partly because she really doesn't want Karen to find it. Karen totally goes through her stuff.

And the Barb Letter!

Dear Jonathan,

I know it’s probably weird to get a letter from me. We only really knew each other through Mike and Will, but you were always nice to them even when they (almost always Mike, let’s be honest) made me want to tear my hair out. I’m really sorry about everything that happened, and I should have written sooner. In my defense, a lot of things have been going on.

This is the only letter where Nancy really talks about Mike, who is mentioned throughout the non-letter parts of the chapter as being depressed and withdrawn. She's both concerned about and detached from his suffering; it doesn't occur to her to reach out to him herself. It's only in the fantasy letter than she can really acknowledge him.

When you left Hawkins, I was still going out with Steve Harrington and my best friend Barb was still missing. Neither of those things are true anymore. Steve was actually a good boyfriend. I know he wasn’t always great in other ways, but he really tried to be there for me when Barb was gone. I wasn’t a very good girlfriend. I was just sad all the time and picked fights with his friends. Not that it’s hard to get into fights with Tommy and Carol, but mostly I hated them for not being Barb.

After she came home, there wasn’t really any reason for us to keep dating. I just wanted to spend time with Barb and he didn’t feel like he had to look after me. He’s with Chrissy Cunningham now. You probably remember her—she was always really sweet and cute, and she made the cheerleading squad sophomore year. She’s good at it, too. Anyway, I’m really happy for her and Steve.

Deep down, Nancy knows what she wants and needs to let Steve go, at least as a boyfriend, but that's excruciatingly hard when she cares about him and he's her only friend...except for maybe Tommy and Carol, whom she assumes would stop hanging out with her if she broke up with Steve. And she does have some positive feelings towards them, too.

Chrissy, of course, has her own problems, but to Nancy she's an avatar of Ideal Teenage Girlhood.

Barb really did run away. She took a bus way out West, to some little town in Nevada. She worked as a waitress and lived in a dirty house with a bunch of other girls. She says it was exciting sometimes, and the desert was beautiful, but mostly it was just hard and lonely. She wanted to come home pretty soon after she left, but she couldn’t face everyone after scaring them so badly. It was only after some asshole stole all her money that she called home.

Nancy has, without realizing it, constructed a Desert Hearts scenario for Barb in her head. She's going to hold onto that lesbian dream even though she is only barely aware that Barb might've been gay.

I was mad at her for maybe five seconds after I found out, because I’d worried something worse had happened, but I couldn’t stay that way. I was too happy to have her back. Besides, she was going through a lot of things I never knew about. I won’t go too much into it because it’s her private business, but she felt really alone and some of that was because of how I acted. She thought I was going to ditch her for Steve and his friends. I don’t think I would have. I love her too much. But I can understand why she thought so. I think some people can be good no matter what happens or who they’re with, but I’m not one of them. I didn’t like who I was with Steve and his friends, and it wasn’t even their fault. It was me.

Nancy's kind of overcorrecting here. Obviously she was not immune to peer pressure as a high school sophomore, but as we see in canon this is a function of youth and circumstances, not an essential wishy-washiness in her soul. This is the girl who, at a crucial popularity-making moment, offered her condolences to Jonathan when the people she was with clearly thought it was weird and unnecessary.

I wish I’d talked to you in between coming up to you at the bulletin board that day and writing this letter. I knew things were bad, that your mom wasn’t working or even leaving the house anymore, and you always looked so tired in school. My mom was worried about you both. I didn’t feel like I could do anything to help, because I was so messed up myself, but maybe it would’ve made a difference. Which is maybe why I’m writing now. I have no idea how things are for you in Indianapolis. I don’t expect you to write back to me and tell me. But, if you want to write me, I’d like to hear from you. Mike would probably also like to hear how you’re doing. He misses Will, too.

Yours truly,

Nancy

She's not being totally fair to herself here, either. Even Karen, an adult with some resources who cared about the Byers family and recognized there was a problem, couldn't figure out what to do on her own. But the instinct for noticing and connecting is a good one.

The Final Letter!

Dear Jonathan,

I’ve tried to write this letter a bunch of times, but I don’t think there’s any getting around the fact that I’m doing something weird. We never really talked before, except in passing. It wasn’t because I had bad feelings towards you. Our lives just seemed so different. You always seemed like a miniature adult, looking after your brother and working to pay the bills, while I was reading Seventeen with Barb and fantasizing about marrying Mikhail Baryshnikov.

This is a pretty blunt thing to say, that she noticed his life was hard and she found that alienating. She's getting farther and farther away from writing the letter the way she would to a real person; this is a note in a bottle, a message beamed into space.

Also, I strongly believe in younger Nancy's crush on ballet dancer and Soviet defector Mikhail Baryshnikov. My mom is almost an exact contemporary of Nancy's, and that was her junior high crush.

I almost didn’t come up to you at the bulletin board that day, because what could I say to you? My biggest problem was trying to date Steve Harrington without hurting Barb’s feelings or strangling his friends. Isn’t it strange that I thought that, and the very next day my own best friend disappeared and no one seemed to know what to say to me? Barb’s parents are the only other people I know who would understand, and of course it’s worse for them, but they’re so optimistic that she’ll come back that I feel like the worst person in the world around them. Because I think she’s dead. Maybe you remember me screaming in the hallway about it, after I broke my own hand. I don’t do crazy stuff like that anymore, but I still believe what I said. I can almost believe that Barb would run away, that something was making her so unhappy that she couldn’t stay in Hawkins and for some reason she couldn’t tell me what it was, but I can’t believe she would leave me and her parents without letting us know she was safe. She was responsible. She loved her parents. She loved me.

Nancy and Steve aren't regularly having dinner with the Hollands in this universe, because Nancy doesn't feel a special responsibility due to knowing the truth. They're still in town, though, and holding on to the hope that Barb is alive. This is part of why Nancy doesn't say anything to Jonathan about Will's voice; she knows how cruel hope can be.

She's a little more clear-headed here, though. No matter how bad she feels about her last moments with Barb, intellectually she recognizes that they probably weren't enough to drive Barb away and that something is off.

I feel like I moved to another country after she disappeared. Everyone else I know is still in America and I’m in Kiribati. Do you feel that way, too, or is it different because you’re in a new place? I’m not trying to say our situations are exactly the same, but I think you might understand what I’m feeling more than anyone in Hawkins. Why didn’t I talk to you before? I saw you, drifting through the halls like a ghost, and I felt bad.

She's not consistently keeping in mind that he might read this letter. She's expressing compassion here, but she's also calling him a ghost, which is pretty messed-up.

I don’t really understand why I did anything back then, honestly. Did you know I poured pig blood all over Officer Callahan’s car last May? (His personal car, not his cop car—I wasn’t that stupid.) He acted like a pig the first time I talked to him and Officer Powell about Barb disappearing, making it all about how I had sex with Steve Harrington that night. He did that in front of my mom, and he looked really pleased with himself for embarrassing me. Like he was knocking me down a peg for thinking I had something important to tell the police, and that was way more important to him than the fact that Barb was in danger. I guess I was still stewing about it months later, because I got drunk and bitched about it to Carol—you remember Carol Perkins? Big hair, bigger mouth?—and she said I should do something about it. So she and Tommy Hagan helped me get some pig’s blood and dump it all over his car the very next week. I think that’s why I’m still friends with them. They’re assholes sometimes, but it wasn’t easy to get all that pig’s blood.

Nancy "Fuck Tha Police" Wheeler, everyone. Powell and Callahan are mostly comic figures in the show, but their behavior when they're questioning Nancy in front of her mom in S1 is so incredibly gross, especially Callahan's.

Carol and Nancy might not get along, but she's not gonna let some sleazy cop insult her sort-of friend! Tommy was like "oh, this fucks, actually" about it.

This is another instance where Nancy is being super-frank, in a way she might not be if she really expected an answer from Jonathan.

Steve—I’m still going out with Steve Harrington—thought we took it a little too far. He’s nicer than me, and he was worried about me getting in trouble. I did, of course. Callahan didn’t press charges, but my parents had to pay for repairs. Dad was so confused. He actually asked if I wanted people to think I was a Manson Girl. Mom made me go see a psychiatrist, who was almost as disgusting as Callahan. I didn’t even know a woman could be that gross. All she wanted to do was talk about why I had sex with Steve when we hadn’t been going out that long. Like wanting to have sex with a good-looking guy made me a nympho and that was the real problem. I don’t know if you’ve seen a psychiatrist, but, if you have, I hope it was actually helpful and not a stupid, humiliating waste of time.

Nancy kind of gets off the hook for being a nice white middle-class girl, plus all of Hawkins knows why she's Like That. Karen's intentions are good, but Ted's indifference is a powerful force, especially when the first psychiatrist is bad.

She's sort of acknowledging some uncomfortable facts about Jonathan's life now, and maybe kind of fishing for info.

Mom stopped making me go pretty soon, at least, since I’d calmed down and Dad kept pestering her about the bill. I still do messed-up stuff, but I’m sneakier about it. I drink a lot. Bourbon is my favorite. I also let this really sleazy new senior, Billy Hargrove, put his hand on my boob at a party this Halloween. It wasn’t a surprise or anything. He gave me more than enough time to say “I have a boyfriend” or move away. I wanted to let him, because he was looking at me like I was something gross he’d stepped in, and that was how I felt.

Billy makes a move on Nancy mostly because she's Steve's girlfriend and he feels the need to knock Steve down a peg so Billy can be the Big Man on Campus. (This may also be a way to channel his own attraction to Steve—either way, it’s not very nice to Nancy.) But he’s also intrigued by how much she hates it. Also, this isn’t a case where Nancy freezes up, but that could have very well been what was happening so Billy is doing something kind of shitty.

You probably don’t want to hear any of this. I would understand if you threw this letter in the garbage. Even if you do, I want to let you know I’m glad you’re alive. That was the only good thing to come out of this whole mess.

Love,

Nancy

Nancy lashes out and distances herself a lot in this fic, but she has a lot of kindness in her heart and she really means this, partly just because Jonathan is a fellow human being and partly because she���s holding onto the idea that someone got out of Hawkins and was able to be happy. This is also pretty blunt of her—she’s acknowledging the suicide attempt—but in this case her directness is actually pretty necessary. He hasn’t heard this much, if ever, between Joyce not knowing he tried to kill himself and Lonnie refusing to acknowledge (to him, anyway) that the attempt was serious.

[mermaidsirennikita]

hi do you have a rec for a book where the heroine is like, nice and polite because Society™ but is bottling up her rage and the hero helps her let out the rage/emotions? preferably historical but i'll take anything!

Yes!

I've been recommending it a lot, but... this is For My Lady's Heart by Laura Kinsale. The heroine is a widowed princess who keeps a very icily polite and cold surface (maybe not nice, lol, but very in keeping with her societal role), and the hero helps her get in touch not only with her anger but her grief as well. So good, with such a unique heroine.

Joss and The Countess by S.M. LaViolette has shades of this. The heroine is a widow who was horribly treated by her husband (TW lots of discussions of sexual abuse in the book) and Joss is her bodyguard as she roams the city trying to meet someone who will take her to bed and make her feeeel. Turns out Joss can make her feel (and she's super into being dominated by him, naturally).

Melissa and The Vicar by S.M. LaVioette is another one you might want to try, and it comes first, I think? Melissa is a madame who now runs her own brothel but was sold into sex work at a very young age (TW). She goes to this village because her health, largely due to stress, has taken a turn. She keeps up a very polite and professional mask for friends, patrons, etc, but she meets this virginal vicar guy who just unlocks something vulnerable in her and allows her to really feel and vent about all the shit she's been through over her life.

Thief of Shadows by Elizabeth Hoyt SOOO has this vibe. The heroine is a society widow who's known for being like, very fashionable, very of high society. She's super polite and puts on a good show, and even takes care of her late husband's bastard child (though she herself is infertile and suffered a lot of miscarriages and suffers deeep down because of it). The hero, again a virgin lol, allows her to really let it all out--her anger, her pain, etc. There's one scene where he like basically holds her in his lap and strokes her hair and her back while she just loses her shit and I love it SO MUCH.

I meeeean lol Between the Devil and Desire by Lorraine Heath definitely has this. Olivia was really dissatisfied in her marriage, among other things, but kept it together because she was the duchess, and Jack empowers her to express her feelings more openly. She actually has a majorly defiant streak, and he triggers that.

Non-historical:

Evernight by Kristen Callihan. This is a Victorian supernatural, and one of my favorite Darkest London books. The heroine has the ability to manipulate metal, and she's this very removed, cool woman; she was used by a big villain to create this like... clockwork heart dealy situation for this guy who's essentially a vampire/demon, and having it in his chest and being this monster, basically, has driven him out of his mind. (He was previously very rakish and fun-loving.) He goes to get her to make her fix it, and she can't immediately, but touching her relieves his agony so he's like "well, I guess we're stuck together until you fix me". She's uptight, he's wild, they end up going on this whole adventure thing and also have very impetuous and poorly-planned sex on like, an exam room table thing, her name is Holly Evernight and even before they're vaguely romantic he calls her "my Evernight" it's GREAT.

No Rest for the Wicked by Kresley Cole. Lol, this is less "she's nice" but big on the "bottled emotions" thing. The heroine is a valkyrie who hunts vampires, and she's known as "Kaderin the Cold-Hearted" because she just can't feel emotion due to the loss of her sisters centuries before. She goes to kill this vampire, and it turns out he's basically a giant nerd who's had sex like exactly twice and lives in his big castle reading books and not hurting anyone. She still wants to kill him, but they end up dry humping on the floor instead, and then she's like "OH NO WHAT IS THIS FEELING???" and runs off. He understandably is all "you don't meet a woman like that every dynasty" and chases her, determined to make her feel a feeling lmao.

[ilikereadingactually]

Reread Time: The Lampfish of Twill

i wish i had done a better job taking this photo, whoopsies. but it's time for a reread review! a few months ago i grabbed this one from my parents' house and had it sitting next to my bed waiting for the right day, and then i read the sad news that Janet Taylor Lisle had passed. if you had asked me as a child who my favorite authors were, she would definitely have made the list, even though i could not tell you now what any of her books were about, including this one! i have such a fond feeling about it, even this very 1993 cover, but i went in with no idea how it was going to hold up or what was going to happen.

i wept! i was not expecting this book to be a really gentle meditation on the cycle of life and grieving and letting go, but maybe it explains something about me that i loved it at age 11. i was delighted by main character Eric, his eagerness and his fears and the way he learns to see the world differently, and got a kick out of old Zeke who everyone thinks is mad, and i honestly adored gruff but devoted Aunt Opal and her best friend Mrs. Holly (who were definitely an item, right? unmarried aunt and widowed neighbor living hard lives in a dreary fishing town plagued by terrible storms, who are constantly together or talking about each other? they might as well combine households, they'd be warmer at night.) and i have to give an honorable mention to Gully the seagull, the source of all my weeping.

and the gorgeous illustrations by Wendy Anderson Halperin!! i did not remember that this book was illustrated. this was my favorite one, revealing to me the source of my long-held desire for clouds to actually be huge fish:

this was a great reread, and was definitely the right book to pick out of my childhood collection to memorialize Janet Taylor Lisle.

the deets

how i read it: i read my slightly beat up copy, pictured, probably from a book fair or one of those catalogs they used to send us home with, curled up cozy in my bed.

try this if you: love bittersweet stories, dig a magical journey and especially magical fish, enjoy timeless-feeling lit, have feelings about hardscrabble fishing communities, or know a kid in the 8-12 range who would enjoy those things.

a line i really liked: just such beautiful insight

So long ago did this seem now that Eric could barely remember it, and even his parents' faces had become vague moons in his mind, though he would never admit this to anyone. Only his memory of the first blind terror of losing them traveled with him through the years, making him a careful person, a boy who'd rather rely on himself than the plans and promises of others.