#Hellraiser Revelations

[james-stark-the-writer]

i'm not 2 minutes into Hellraiser: Revelations and i already fucking hate everything about it, jesus fucking christ, this is going to be a miserable hour and 10 minutes. at least it's mercifully short, the shortest Hellraiser so far, i doubt much hell will be raised, but ig that is the tiniest victory i can get from this. but amazon put like six fucking ads in between the movie so i'm sure it's going to be like fucking 2 hours while actually watching.

[publicdomainbooksdevotee]

When you're about to lose the rights to Hellraiser:

[deuterosapiens]

Woah, two Hellraiser films in one night! It's like Christmas, but like, if Christmas was Hellraiser: Revelations and your parents hated you. So what make this, the ninth film, so remarkably special isn't just that it's bad, no. No no no. Bad, bad is something we can deal with.

This is a special kind of bad.

You see, Revelations includes a significant number of elements from the original film that I've found sorely lacking in the sequels. This one actually recreates a fair number of story elements that are unique to film one (and by extension, the original novella).

A pleasure seeker meets a mysterious figure who gifts him the Lemarchand Box. After being ripped apart by the Cenobites, he is revived through the spilling of blood which escalates into a series of murders at the hands of an accomplice to give life back to the pleasure seeker. The pleasure seeker ends up wearing another's skin as a ruse.

I think the best description I have for this one is unnecessarily exploitative. These films don't shy away from sex and violence, but in a very weird way, I don't think any of it actually adds anything to the movie. What exactly did that thing with the prostitute in the restroom actually add to this movie?

So there are two narratives happening. The first, which as I've outlined above, is basically the original Hellraiser's Julia/Frank plot and is background information which is periodically revealed to us as the second plot plays out. In the present, we have what feels like a standard home invasion, but where there's no invasion and everyone just sort of screams at everyone.

There's an interesting element in which our lead ends up stealing his friend's skin, who opens the Box and becomes a Cenobite. What I liked about this was that it actually shows us a brief moment where the Cenobites are doing Cenobitical things: we see a brief moment in Hell in which nothing is a plot to manipulate the damned, or punish a victim. It shows a brief glimpse of what is an actual Cenobite being taught and learning. This is actually kind of cool and flashes the world out ever so slightly more and would have been an excellent thing to expand on. The identity of this Cenobite is supposed to be a secret, but you've guessed the Reveal long before it's honestly worth setting up a Reveal.

There's an uncomfortable incest scene which is the exact moment you should have pieced together the Act Three Reveal, that Nico is wearing Stephen's skin.

This reveal, actually, this whole plot annoys me because I cannot for the like of me figure out what the point of the scene where he exposits in a trance is for, from a character perspective. Why would this character, if they are in a fugue state, speak as though he is not in fact, Nico in disguise? This feels like the writers had completely different intentions for these characters, then changed their minds as they continued, but did not go back and edit the script to accommodate.

I think I've keyed in on the biggest issue. This entire movie feels like a Rough Draft script written solely to get a script out. It feels like zero revisions were made and not a single person stepped in to polish it.

There's a return to basics that I did appreciate: The Cenobites are never actually given an Infernal explanation in this one. Hell, our live action Harry DuBois only uses the word "angel" to describe them. I love this interpretation of their purposes, which I guess makes sense since it is literally ripped directly from the first film.

I'm serious, this guy reminds me of Harry DuBois:

He's the vagrant who gives our leads the Box, which I guess technically would make him the Engineer, but, once again, that role seems to be had by the nail-headed Hell Priest.

We don't see much in the way of Cenobite design (truth be told, we don't see much of anything: this entire film's lighting feels like David Yates' most depraved fantasy; filters other than blue exist, you know!), but none of them are particularly new. Just rehashed versions of the nail-headed Cenobite, the Chattering Cenobite, oh look! There's a second nail-headed Cenobite!

So, why is this one so bad?

The best moment of the film is like thirty seconds long. The original parts of the story are boring, loud, and generally poorly written. The not-so-original parts are exactly the same as the first film, but they have chosen the exact worst ways to implement them.

I will admit, I saw exactly one turn on the Box that made me squee happily, if only because it was a corner turn and not the exact same two-move opening that has so royally pissed me off seeing. That's right guys, I got more joy out of a character making a move on the Box that was different than the opening sequence used in basically every other movie (any points this would have awarded us are lost because this turn exists in one scene, and the three other instances of the Box being opened return back to the standard two moves). It's a Puzzle Box, dammit! Is it really that fucking difficult to show this thing being opened like an actually fucking Puzzle Box??

I do not want to watch Judgement after this complete waste of time reboot. Officially it's a sequel, but this has reboot written all over it. Actually, this has "I'm about to lose franchise rights" written all over it.

[rollforjackass]

no but i LOVE 'undercover' queer horror. stuff you grow up with as weird cult classics that are widely regarded as goofy and campy and a little bit terrible but they're no less iconic and then you grow up and learn that the creators are queer and see the story through that lens and understand the specific nexus of trauma and rage and loss and loneliness and otherness and joy and power and passion and love and defiance and radical self-acceptance that feeds every character and monster and shapes everything from their choices to their forms. LOVE that shit.

[vampirebiter]

cenobites stole my car

[bellonathedragonborn]

So since the Silent Hill community is dragging the Silent Hill Revelations movie again I’ll come by and screech:

Why did Claudia Wolf turn into a monster that should have belonged in a Hellraiser movie?!

[fanfictionbard]

[you2018]

^^ sorted by lowest rating and mymovie is number 6.......

[james-stark-the-writer]

a recycled Hellraiser movie, now with racism and more misogyny and boring sex scenes and even less edge than the worst franchise entries so far! truly awful.

has the artlessness of Star Wars Episode IX and Wrong Turn 5 combined and blended together, painted over with even more empty aesthetic signifiers and franchise iconography, to make a movie with essentially no personality (the greatest crime of a Hellraiser film, even Hellseeker at least had a personality, as derivative and terrible as it was) or creative voice that feels like it goes on forever even though it's barely even 70 minutes without credits.

My ½★ review of Hellraiser: Revelations on Letterboxd

[jeezypetes]

Got in the shower w my bra on :( and my watch :(

[sarah1228]

what I've watched today

[holy-shit-comics]

[v3n1ce-bxtch]

Based on this request by the bestest person @strawberries-and-lots-of-kisses:

Imagine jack is upset with you for whatever reason, and not speaking to you, but you know that if you seduce him he’ll fold, and so you get out of the shower with no clothes on and walk just like that into the bedroom pretending you are grabbing something you need. His eyes are inmediately fixed on you and when he finally speaks, now you’re the one who ignores him, while he’s horny and pouting like a baby because you pay him no attention all while walking around naked.

a/n: YALLL pls give me more smut requests bc I’m getting more comfortable with it but my ideas aren’t like there lol. I loved writing this :) as y’all know I’m on a brain break but I’m working on Halos and Halos and Hellraisers and Off to the Races.

The tension in the room was thick—Jack still wasn’t speaking to you, arms crossed, jaw tight, his little silent treatment attempt in full effect. Fine. If he wanted to be stubborn, you could play that game too.

So when you stepped out of the steamy bathroom, completely bare, hair damp, skin glistening, you made a show of it—walking past him like you didn’t even notice he was there.

Jack’s eyes snapped to you instantly, his posture shifting as he sat up against the headboard. He wasn’t even trying to be subtle about it. His tongue swiped across his lips, fingers twitching at his sides, but he stayed quiet, determined to keep up his act.

You, on the other hand, ignored him entirely, acting as if you were simply retrieving something from your dresser. Maybe a nonexistent hair tie. Maybe just fresh air. Anything but the desperate man burning holes into your back with his stare.

“Really?” His voice finally cracked through the silence, hoarse and edged with frustration.

You didn’t respond.

“Baby,” he tried again, shifting on the bed. “You’re really gonna act like you don’t see me?”

Nothing.

Jack let out a groan, running a hand down his face before dragging it over his mouth. You could feel the heat of his gaze tracing every inch of your skin, his patience wearing thin.

“You’re so mean to me,” he muttered, more to himself than to you.

Still, you said nothing, just smirking to yourself as you took your sweet time moving around the room, letting the power shift completely into your hands. Now he was the one suffering, pouting like a needy little thing while you reveled in his torment.

Jack’s restraint lasted all of thirty seconds before he snapped.

One second, you were reaching for an imaginary item on your dresser, and the next, you were being grabbed—strong hands gripping your waist as Jack tossed you onto the bed with ease. A surprised squeal left your lips, but it quickly turned into laughter when he climbed over you, trapping you beneath him.

“Oh, now you wanna acknowledge me?” he taunted, his lips curling into a smirk as he loomed over you. His fingers dragged down your sides slowly, teasingly, making your breath hitch. “All that little act just to drive me crazy? You’re lucky I love you.”

You bit your lip, feigning innocence. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Jack scoffed, dipping his head to press his lips against the curve of your neck, not kissing—just letting his breath fan over your skin, making you shiver. His fingers skimmed down your thighs, then back up, never quite touching where you needed him most.

“You wanna ignore me, baby?” His voice was low, husky, full of promise. “Let’s see how long you can keep that up.”

His lips finally made contact, pressing featherlight kisses along your collarbone, teasing, never giving in completely. His hands traced over your stomach, your hips, everywhere but where you wanted them. He was taking his time now, dragging it out, making you squirm.

“Not so quiet now, huh?” Jack murmured, nipping at your skin, grinning against you when he heard your breath hitch. “Go on, keep acting like I don’t exist. See what happens.”

If you thought you were in control before, you were dead wrong—because now, Jack had you exactly where he wanted. And he was going to make sure you felt every second of it. He subtly took his shirt and jeans off, leaving him in his Calvin Klein boxers that failed to hide his hard cock.

He tapped your thigh,”C’mon, open those legs f’me.” You hesitated for a minute before opening your legs and grabbing one of the pillows to clutch onto.

Jack chuckled, positioning himself on top of you ,”Baby, whatcha being shy for huh?” He started pumping two fingers in and out of you at an unbearable pace.

You whimpered,”Thatt” You squirmed a little.

He whispered into your ear , “I don’t see the problem here , baby. You been wanting this huh? I can tell. You’re so wet f’me.” He sped up making you squeal, then quickly took his fingers out of your soaked cunt.

You smacked his arm, pouting,”Jackkk! What’s that for?”

He kissed your pouted lips and smirked,”That was for teasing me.” A few moments after, he swiftly removed his boxers. His tip was already leaking with precum and his cock was incredibly veiny. Without further notice, he slammed himself into you.

“Fuck!” You screamed, squeezing your eyes shut and holding onto the pillow tighter,”Jackk!”

He kissed your forehead,”And this is also for teasing me.” He groaned,”Fuck, so tight and wet. All f’me. No other man, jussst me.”

[fuckyourtriangles]

The Hellraiser films as light novel titles:

Hellraiser: How (not) to accidently summon sex demons

Hellbound: The sex demons won’t leave me alone, so I’ll remind them of their humanity and hope things work out for the best!

Hell On Earth: Since my soul was split in two, I’ll ruin everyone’s else’s day for fun

Bloodline: My sex demon co-worker makes my job harder than it needs to be (in space)

Inferno: Damning a man’s soul to Hell for being a terrible person for fun and profit

Hellseeker: Since I don’t want to become a sex demon, I’ll commit 1st-degree murder instead

Deader: Committing suicide is a bit complicated in Romania

Hellworld: What happens when you use a sex demon’s image to kill people and it doesn’t go quite as you expect.

Revelations: Making deals with sex demons in Mexico

Judgement: When fucking around and finding out in God’s presence goes wrong

[haveyouseenthishorrormovie]

Given the sudden rush of Hellraiser polls, might I suggest a worst Hellraiser movie poll? Not much point doing a best one but a worst might be entertaining.