#He's Talking about his Mental Health with a Youtube Doctor? Watch the Whole thing in One Sitting
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I love watching videos where Connor is just there. I watched him in the background of prezoh's twitchcon vlog. I love him. Great guy
Part of Being a Connorfrog is Watching Every Streamer's Content cause he Shows up Everywhere
#Hes in Schlatts Japan Vlogs and Doesnt Say Almost Anything ? Okay Im Qatching Them#Hes Singing on a QT Stream? Im There#He was On a Alpharad Video? Already Watched All of it#He's Talking about his Mental Health with a Youtube Doctor? Watch the Whole thing in One Sitting#Its Like Playing Wack a Mole but Instead of Wacking its Kicking my Feet and Giggling whenever I Spot Him
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So like the Illymation drama????
vile take I support illy like fully I don’t get the people who don’t rn
So like ok ok don’t get me wrong, illy isn’t like perfect 100% by any means but who is??? That one carrot and chocolate thing she said in her video could have been worded better but cmon, it’s really not that big of a deal, for the most part you out understand what she was saying. The video that TBYS posted wasn’t “criticism” the way that people are trying to say it was. People are trying to play it off as just a normal constructive criticism video, but if your “constructive criticism” includes like two whole minutes of making fun of someone’s appearance for no reason, I’m concerned. Illy’s response was a bit immature, but I understand where she’s coming from. She said not to send hate and to just take down that one video, not his whole platform, because it was damaging her reputation and mental health because TBYS never even tried to make a statement telling people not to harass illy and she got sent hate for it. People are blowing it way out of proportion saying she was trying to “deplatform him” when she just wanted one video taken down because it was causing her to be deplatformed, and she never even talked about it to her actual YouTube audience, just the small community on tumblr, then TBYS made two more hate filled videos and people just kept dog piling on her. If your gonna get mad at someone for “deplatforming” a known homophobe and transphobe, maybe practice what you preach. And alongside that, I know that some sources were shown in TBYS’s original videos, but there were no links in the descriptions, and absolutely nothing in any of the response videos I’ve seen. There was one video I saw just speculating that all of her doctors were dumb and lied to her, and TBYS also said that most doctors that specialize and make money from being good at nutrition were just wrong. Also, that one response video I mentioned tried to claim gym bros were better at health than licensed professionals???????? It just feels like this is all a massive, overblown hate campaign to a creator because of mistakes. There’s a difference between constructive criticism and just making fun of someone, and while some things that TBYS said were understandable, he made a point to straight up make fun of illy in the middle of his video, not even attempt to stop his fans from harassing illy, then when she replied (and barley received any backlash mind you), he blew up making more videos sending more and more hate and trying to ruin illy’s career. I know illy could have clarified that one point in her video and acted more maturely about the situation, but people are entirely overlooking the fact that TBYS was no where near “perfect” in this situation. (Also, final note, yes, you can absolutely be fat and healthy, saying otherwise is just wrong and makes no sense. Do your research before making half hour long videos making fun of someone)
I assume this drama will just die eventually and people will move on, but either way, I’m going to continue watching and supporting Illy no matter what. She’s a fantastic content creator, and when that video first came out (and there wasn’t some dude bro on the internet telling me it was bad) I absolutely loved at and had a great time watching it. It made me feel really good about myself (since I’ve been exercising daily and been working on myself a lot, but I’ve seen little to no weight loss despite eating healthy and going on a calorie deficit and working hard. It turns out I have something up with my thyroid, and along with that, part of it is just genetics.) I’d started feeling really bad and was trying to eat the bare minimum and it was making it harder to work out and I was feeling sick all the time. One day I was staying home because I felt sick, and I watched illy’s video. It’s not like one video is going to fix my relationship with food, but it has helped. I’m still not losing weight, but I’m getting stronger, feeling better, and eating healthier. Despite all this drama, illy’s videos have helped me feel more comfortable being myself and I will continue supporting her. And Illy, if you’re (somehow) seeing this, just know that there are some people that want to see you fail, but there are so so many more people that love you and your content.
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I don’t know if you follow any YouTubers but a big one in the beauty space just made a video talking about her alcoholism and sobriety for the first time and it really made me so upset the way she was talking about the shame and the scorn she has received from others. and I know you mentioned something about Matthew Perry a while ago and I don’t know it all just made me think about TK and you and feel very sad that we live in a world that is this cruel to people who are suffering so much.
I do know who you're talking about and I watched her video this morning and it hit so close to home. When Tati was talking about being mocked in public by a CEO for her decision to order a virgin cocktail .. when she was talking about overhearing a mental health professional talking about how addicts are the worst people and are weak and pathetic and all that. When Taylor Swift talked about how no one pats addicts on the back but every single day we're actively fighting against something and nobody around us has any idea how much work it takes for us to just get up every day and be a human - which btw is how you know it is a disability, regardless of what anyone says. It is chronic illness, because every single day we have hurdles to clear just to exist, that other people never even have to think about. Matthew Perry with his well known lifelong addiction struggles being preyed upon by doctors so they could make a quick buck off his pain. And how common this all is! How many people in the world are alcoholics but don't know it because it's all so normalized, like Tom Holland was talking about recently. Idk. Some days ... it's very heavy.
But it's also days like this that make me incredibly grateful for TK Strand, because he represents such hope. Even though he's fictional, he shows everyone struggling with something that there is reason to believe things can get better, that you have to work and fight for that recovery and it's endlessly unfair how hard it will be and how many walls will be in your way and how many people will want you to fail and regard you with such a lack of empathy the whole way, but recovery is possible anyway. His existence and this show not having shied away from the messier parts of addiction is such needed representation of a chronic disease that still exists so much in the shadows because there is so much societal shame wrapped up in it. Some days it's heavy but I am grateful for people with platforms who are willing to talk about these things and I'm grateful to this show for giving us TK, especially on days where hope feels rare.
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MOVIES I WATCHED THIS WEEK #206:
9 MORE POST-DOGMA DANISH FILMS:
🍿 I probably seen RIDERS OF JUSTICE 12-15 times already, and I just can't get enough of Anders Thomas Jensen's 2020 brilliant thrill ride. It's an absolutely perfect movie, perfectly-told. The level of nuanced cinematic story-telling here is as good as any movie I've seen. It's about fate and chance, the power of coincidences and healing, about grief and mental health, and a fraught relationship between a father and daughter...
Watching it around now is even better, because it's actually a Christmas fairy tale (although a tale that include PTSD, sodomy, death of a mother, sale of a child (alleged), and intense bloodshed and gang violence.) 10/10 re-watch ♻️.
🍿 The new FAMILIES LIKE OURS which just premiered on Danish TV, is my 6th by Thomas Vinterberg, and his first miniseries. It has a terrific premise: Because of rising sea level, flatland Denmark [whose highest hilltop is 186 meter] is about to be completely flooded, and all its citizens must evacuate to other countries. So the nice, middle-class society which was used to life of civility and leisure, become climate refugees among other European countries, who may or may not be interested to have a new flood of immigrants among them.
Instead of creating over-dramatic situations, Vinterberg concentrates on the interpersonal travails of the members of one extended family, some more interesting than others. Eventually, the 7 hour-long saga becomes a bit too lengthy and kind of stodgy - a condensed 2 hour version would have been so much more effective. 4/10.
🍿 LAST ROUND (1993) was Vinterberg's film school graduation short. Young Thomas Bo Larsen has terminal leukemia, so he parties hard in his last night in town. But it's an unconvincing, nervous, childish effort.
🍿 THE IDIOTS WHO STARTED THE PARTY is a celebration of the Dogma 95 movement, on its 25th anniversary in 2020. Exciting recollections by members of the collective, as well as interviews with my old film professor from the University, Peter Schepelern! (Photos Above).
The 10 "Rules of Chastity" which they defined and enforced were gimmicky and off-putting, and out of the 35 movies made in this style, only a few are worth watching today. But it definitely built a highly-successful 'New Wave', it energised a whole generation of local filmmakers, and it re-established the Danish film-scene into an international powerhouse.
🍿 WHEN DANISH FILM CROSSES THE LINE (2020) is another Denmark Radio documentary about the most controversial Danish films, From Benjamin Christensen's 'Häxan' (which I haven't seen yet) and Asta Nielsen's 'The Abyss', to 'A stranger knocks' and Lars von Trier. Denmark was the first country to legalize pornography in 1969, so there's plenty of sex involved, but also violence, animal abuse, profanity and atheism, sometimes all at once. Among the talking heads, Peter Schepelern again puts things in prospective! [*Female Director*]
🍿 ØDELAND (WASTELAND) (2015), an unusual film school short - not from Copenhagen, but from the the town of Odense on Fyn . A live action doomsday dystopia, similar to 'The Road', very low-budget but fully accomplished. A father and his teenage daughter, among the last survivors, must use extreme caution when they run across a deaf, traumatized boy. Found at random on YouTube, and surprised that the director never broke through.
🍿 Susanne Bier directed 6 of Anders Thomas Jensen's manuscripts (including my all-time favorite 'After the wedding'). OPEN HEARTS (2002) is the only one I haven't seen until now. It's different from his usual fare, being a straight love melodrama with a strong, domestic plot; A driving mother causes an accident that paralyses a young man who's preparing to get married. Mixed-up doctor Mads Mikkelsen, the driver's husband, falls in love with the fiancé of the paralyzed man, and eventually leaves his family for her. It's a small mess.
There's a lot of fawning online, both gay and hetero, over sexy Mads Mikkelsen. This film surely created much of this fawning: he is playing here an ordinary guy, not a hero, who's just deliciously lovable. [*Female Director*]
🍿 Also, two of Mads Mikkelsen's earliest films: In his very first film, CAFÉ HECTOR, Mads has a small cameo, while the main character is played by his real-life brother, actor Lars Mikkelsen. An affected little make-believe story about a social outcast pretending to be Travis Bickle who actually gets to stop and kill a real psychopath with a gun. Surprisingly, this is also one of Anders Thomas Jensen's first works as a writer. 1/10. [*Female Director*]
🍿 THE CARETAKER (1997), a little nightmarish Noir about a man watching a woman with binoculars, sees a murder, maybe not. Some surrealist touches, cockroaches crawling in the ceiling, bloody hand - M'eh.
🍿 The "romantic" comedy ITALIAN FOR BEGINNERS (2000), my second by Lone Scherfig. But while 'An Education' was wonderful, this one was unpleasant all the way through. Not only the low-cost, indie, badly lit and noisy vibes, but none of the clumsy, meek and fumbling characters were endearing. There are two abusive parents (who fortunately and separately, die), and especially the main dude, Hal-Finn, is a real asshole but whom everybody tolerate. And they all want to learn Italian, for some reason. Pass! [*Female Director*]
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ROSE HOBART was a 1936 experimental collage film, an early re-purposing of found footage. It comprised mostly from snippets of Rose Hobart, the main actress of 'East of Borneo' which Joseph Cornell, the shy avant-garde artist who made it was obsessed with, making it also an early 'fan-edit'. Salvador Dali disrupted in rage during the premier of this film which he attended, claiming that Cornell stole the idea "from Dali subconscious". Selected for the 'National Film Registry' in 2001.
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4 SHORTS BY GERMAN ANIMATOR VOLKER SCHLECHT:
🍿 THE WAITING: "Ecologist Karen Lips lived for several years in a tiny little shack in Costa Rica to observe frogs. When she left the cloud forest for a short time and returned, all the frogs were gone. She set out to find out what happened to them – and encountered a horrible truth. Mysterious deaths occur all over the planet and have a similar pattern. Why have so many species vanished? And what does it all have to do with us?"
This outstanding 2023 science animation of a real-life crime mystery won a bunch of awards at film festivals. 9/10.
🍿 In KAPUTT (2016), two women who were political prisoners in East Germany describe the horrific conditions of forced labor and abuse in the notorious central prison at Hoheneck. Hard watch. 10/10.
🍿 GERMANIA WURST (2008) is a semi-humorous rundown of Germanic history, from the Holy Roman Empire to the present day. He serves it sliced with bouts of sausage making and lively military march music. Terrific! 8/10.
🍿 NOTHING ELSE (2001), Schlecht's second film, more of a mood piece about tiny gestures on a train ride.
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MORE FROM FREAK OF NATURE RICHARD CONDIE:
🍿 Re-watch♻️: Isn't his 1985 THE BIG SNIT the best Canadian movie ever made? Yes, it is. And why is there a giant Goodyear Tire in one of the rooms? 10/10.
🍿 "Moments ago I had everything - Now there's a cow in my nose - Because I opened the stupid door!"
In LA SALLA (1996) a wacky Italian inventor literally loses his head. So much drugs were used during the creations of this film!
🍿 OH, SURE (1977), a very short short about how to make a fool of yourself, even at your old age. Perfect for me.
🍿 In PIGBIRD (1981), a man smuggles a hybrid animal into the country, only to discover too late that it is covered with some nasty ticks. It was actually a PSA for Canadian Customs. 9/10.
🍿 THE APPRENTICE (1991) is another weird, incomprehensible story set in medieval times. Wordless, it's told only through guttural, cacophonous sound effects.
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THE ONLY GIRL IN THE ORCHESTRA is a new documentary about the first woman whom Leonard Bernstein allowed to play with the all-male New York Philarmonic in 1966, and her illustrious career as a double-bass musician. It features some beautiful music, but the old-time sexist theme is told in the typically pedestrian Netflix style, devoid of air and life. [*Female Director*]
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2 WITH ELEANORA PIENTA:
In PLAISIR (2021) she's a young American seeker who doesn't speak French, but nevertheless comes to the south of France to stay in an art/work commune. It's about the inability to communicate, and not being exactly sure what you know and what you want. Female-focused with a distinct female gaze. [*Female Director*]
🍿 LITTLE CABBAGE is a Southern Gothic of a kind. In 1959 Alabama, a young female composer falls for a black man and goes insane. 1/10. [*Female Director*]
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A BUNCH OF SHORTS:
🍿 My first Popeye cartoon, the 1934 A DREAM WALKING. What a terrific piece of art! Popeye and Bluto fight each other to see who will get to save the sleepwalking Olive from the beams of a high-rise construction site. Absolutely thrilling - 10/10.
🍿 "Shag me kindly...?"
LADY PARTS (2018) is the pilot for the series about this all-girl Muslim punk band in Camden. The musicians are one Halal butcher, one Uber driver, one illustrator who sells her art at the open market, and their Niqāb-clad manager working at cheap ladies' lingerie booth. [*Female Director*]
🍿 "Give the kid a bagel!"
A miracle in Brooklyn, and a holiday classic: In 2007 Ken Russell's was challenged to make a film so offensive that even he would want it banned, so he made the absurdist A KITTEN FOR HITLER, with an Oompa-Lumpa playing a little Jewish boy with a swastika tattoo. As much as I hated 'Jo Jo Rabbit'...
🍿 MERMAID (1997), my 5th Pagan/Christian Russian fairy-tale by animator Aleksandr Petrov, done in his recognized style: Pastel oils applied by hand unto glass plates, like moving paintings, making his films seem like blurred dreams.
🍿 When I lived in Norway in 1974, there was a little toddler in the farm, and her favorite TV-characters were the classic KARIUS OG BAKTUS. These two puppets were tooth bacteria that lived in some boy's mouth, and destroyed his teeth. I can see how traumatic was this 1955 horror cartoon for little kids.
🍿 I only watched the Israeli love story SASSI KESHET NEVER EATS FALAFEL (2013) because it had 'Falafel' in its title. It's a stupid reason - just like this film. 1/10.
🍿 "Do not lose time on daily trivialities. Do not dwell on petty details." Don Herzfeldt's WORLD OF TOMORROW, my second favorite movie of all times. I should start watching it every week... 11/10.
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When I saw the first episode of STONER CATS, I wrote: "I like cats and I like 'stones, so (this) was exactly for me. 5 cats gets stoned when their old lady shares her medicinal delivery stuff with them." But now that I saw the whole first season, I say: Screw that! It was a one joke stretched into an unwatchable lame, thin slop soup. 1/10.
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(ALL MY FILM REVIEWS - HERE).
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Life stuff update!
Haven't posted about this first bit anywhere because... wow personal, but it's been a majority chunk of life lately.
Husband put in his notice at his current teaching job a while back. He's been working there for 8 years and is supposedly one of their most valued teachers, yet he barely takes home $100 more per paycheck than when he started. Plus our insurance is insane, taking most of his check every month whilst covering literally fucking nothing (we are still paying off my doctor-ordered biopsy!). PLUS his commute is fucking ludicrous - in the winter he regularly drives over 3 hours a day to a shit job that doesn't pay anything. I barely see him for a hour or two each day during the school year.
Bio clock is ticking, just saying. Never really had that baby-wanting impulse until very recently, and there was absolutely zero possibility of us starting a family while he's at this job. No money, no time, no medical support.
So. Bye. After talking to a therapist to help us through the plunge, we finally decided enough was enough.
He doesn't have another job lined up after summer school, so in August we have zero certain income. Neither off us is particularly panicked about this; the hiring wave for fall teaching positions has yet to happen, and there are several things he can do even if he can't find a full-time job at a local district.
What's looking most likely is actually that he'll juggle part-time jobs for a while. Subbing or other work at a district he's interested in will help him get a foot in the door, meanwhile an afternoon or weekend cashier job at the co-op down the street (where I used to work) has some distinct benefits. First off, he could WALK to work, and the co-op offers higher hourly rates and better promotional opportunities than his current "salaried" teaching job. Add on a big discount at the place where we buy most of our groceries anyway...
Anyway. That's been a lot.
Meanwhile I've been doing the housewife thing. Which actually entails more than just "chores" - I've been doing a huuuuge amount of work on my mental and physical health. I've lost 40 pounds (with 60+ to go) and have completely changed my eating, which has helped immeasurably with CFS, Depression, and life in general. I've started socializing again after years of serious, life-altering anxiety. Basically, I'm getting my life back. Or maybe getting my life for the first time? I was so mentally ill for so long that this really feels like the first time I've been genuinely balanced... maybe ever?
Whether that new peace of mind encourages me back into fandom I have no idea. Fandom social mores seem to have shifted over the years. Maybe it's just the glimpses I see now and then, but the Internet as a whole doesn't seem too anonymous or even like... baseline compassionate for anyone anymore. That's probably a matter of what you make of it, but even so, I'd be lying if I said spending my time in fandom spaces hasn't lost most of its personal appeal. I've been much happier offline, so that's where I've been. I do miss my friends, and I wish they lived down the street and not inside the scary computron. It'd be great to write again, but my interest in fandom work might be over. I'll never say never, but right now I just don't see it. Maybe someday I finally get back into the habit; but it's gonna happen in its own time if it does.
Lately I've been working on my YouTube thing, though where that'll end up nobody knows. It's certainly not a serious money-making prospect, nor am I aiming to make it one. YouTube actually scares the ever-loving shit out of me, so it's pretty much a deliberate mental health exercise. My whole attitude toward it has been "stress less, make more." So I treat it kind of like a journal of the nail shit that has taken over my life (lolllll), and a chance to pay forward all the relaxation I've gotten over the years watching Nail YouTube. It'd be nice if I could eventually have enough subs to maybe pay for some nail supplies or get some free PR or something, but that's about as ambitious as I get.
Okay my fingers are tired
love you byyyyyeeeeeeeeee
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Addressing Mental Health in the Black Community
Today, I’m excited to bring you a conversation that’s as powerful as it is necessary. Dave Tucker, joined me on my podcast to share his journey through the medical system, particularly his experiences with depression.
Dave’s story is a reflection of what many of us go through, especially in the Black community, where mental health often takes a backseat. We talked about the highs and lows of his journey and, most importantly, how he found a way forward. His insights are not just eye-opening but also a call to action for anyone struggling silently. Watch the full episode on YouTube OR continue reading below:
youtube
Depression: The Unseen Battle
One of the first things Dave opened up about was his struggle with depression. It’s something that doesn’t just come and go—it can linger, especially when left unaddressed. For Dave, the loss of his grandmother triggered a deep sadness that morphed into anger. He explained how, in our community, this often gets dismissed as just another instance of the “Angry Black Man” stereotype. But the truth is, the anger often masks a deeper pain—a wound that never had the chance to heal because no one was willing to ask the right questions or provide the right support.
This brings up a critical point Dave made: when people ask, “How are you?” the expected answer is “I’m good,” even when we’re not. He’d prefer people ask, “What are you?” because it invites a more meaningful conversation. It’s a simple shift that could make a big difference in how we connect and understand each other.
Mental Health and the Black Community: A Tough Conversation
We explored why mental health struggles often go unspoken in the Black community. From a young age, many of us hear dismissive responses like, “What do you have to be depressed about?” This minimizes our feelings and teaches us to suppress our emotions rather than express them. Dave pointed out that this dismissiveness often extends into adulthood, making it hard for Black men, in particular, to seek help.
The importance of representation in healthcare also came up. Dave shared how much more comfortable it was for him to talk to someone who understood his background and experiences. While he acknowledges that anyone can offer support regardless of their race, there’s something reassuring about seeing yourself in the person helping you. It’s not about exclusion but about comfort and trust.
Finding a Way Out
Dave’s turning point came when he realized his unhealthy coping mechanisms—excessive drinking and other destructive behaviors—were only making things worse. It took a visit to a doctor who listened, understood, and didn’t jump straight to medication. With the help of therapy, Dave began to turn things around. His therapist didn’t just treat the symptoms; she helped him find healthy ways to cope, without immediately resorting to medication.
Dave’s therapy journey wasn’t smooth at first. Like many, he was skeptical about opening up to a stranger. But over time, he found that therapy was a safe space where he could be himself without judgment. He emphasized that therapy doesn’t have to be forever. It’s about growth and progress. Sometimes that means moving from weekly sessions to bi-weekly ones, and eventually to a place where you don’t need therapy as often—or at all.
Advice for Those on the Fence
Dave’s advice to anyone on the fence about seeking mental health support is simple: Recognize the signs, listen to those who care about you, and find what works for you. Whether it’s virtual therapy, a chat board, or in-person sessions, the key is to start somewhere. He also highlighted the importance of holistic approaches—methods that focus on the whole person, not just the symptoms.
Mental health doesn’t have to be a forever battle. With the right support, we can all move toward a better, healthier future. As Dave said, “You don’t know what people are going through. Every step forward, regardless of how small, is progress.”
This conversation is just the beginning. We must continue to break the silence around mental health, especially within the Black community. Because at the end of the day, caring for our mental health is just as crucial as caring for our physical health.
If you’re struggling, know that it’s okay to seek help. As Dave’s story shows, it’s never too late to turn things around.
#mental health#therapy#Leo MonWell#medical#medical social worker#people of color#African America#Wellness#Seeking Help#childhood trauma#Healing#Recovery#Growth#Youtube
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ASPE NE HO PENSATI AD ALTRI DI HEADCANONS
- since wukong is a rock (literally) not only he is a heavy sleeper, but he looks like he's dead too HAOAHHAHA
- when wukong gets scared, he jumps like when a cat sees a cucumber
- he gets zoomies and it's the end of the world.
- he fucking SUCKS at cooking, he has to watch those cooking tutorials on YouTube
- he knows technology a lot! He knows how to use it and he knows trends and such,
Macaque? Fucking boomer. He is the guy who needs 50 pair of glasses to see a meme and still not understand it.
- since wukong as a kid was basically naked (other than him obviously covering his private parts) once he discovered clothes were a thing, he started wearing them. Why? Comfy.
- macaque isn't a morning person, so hearing wukong say good morning to actual rocks was making his urge to kill him even more.
- i couldn't stop thinking of the whole "alternative wukong but it's just his worst and deepest impulses"
So my head got wild and thought,
What if wukong has something similar to macaque shadow, but only HE can see it and hear? Because it's literally just his head.
imagine it like if wukong has the little angel and demon on his shoulder but it's just a version of himself, like a shadow who every once in a while annoys him.
And it gets worse, at first it just the little shadow saying dumb pranks, but it got worse as wukong mental health decreased, until in jttw wukong simply started following those ideas, but then changed path again into something better.
(and it took a LOT for him to change into something better.)
so, if macaque talks alone, it's his shadow, it's fine,
If wukong does it, he is simply talking to himself,
Like some people do when they start talking alone, (i basically made the "talking alone" into some weird shit AHHAHAHA feel free to use it it's fine dude)
Part 1
Wukong always had zoomies Very destructive zoomies
Also, about Wukong's not visible friend My guy go to a doctor
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Under the cut is the full transcript for The British Get Talking Podcast episode on October 8, 2020 with Dan!
[Interviewer:] Hello everyone! I'm Kylie Pentelow and here we are again. This is the second series of the "Britain Get Talking" podcast from ITV where I talk to some amazing people who open up about the mental well being. Today, Dan Howell is a YouTube star. He rose to fame through his comedy videos that have had more than a billion views. More recently, he's opened up on his YouTube channel about depression and his video "Basically I'm Gay" has had eleven million views. Dan is now writing a book about mental health and is an ambassador for YoungMinds. Dan is obviously funny, but he's also clever and sensitive. To me, it seems he's using his huge profile among young people to really make a difference. I loved talking to Dan and I hope you like listening to this podcast too. Dan, thanks so much for speaking to me today! How are you?
[Dan:] I am a big fan of saying "I'm fine." And that is the absolute worst, most British answer to that question that anyone can give. And it's what people say all the time. And, you know, for me, it's definitely- It's something that instantly says way too much. *laughs* Doesn't it? I mean, you can write a whole essay about "I'm fine" as an answer. "Oh, I don't want to inconvenience you. Oh, I don't want to bore you by talking about whatever I'm going through." And that's very me. I accept that one of my flaws is I don't want to put something on the other person. I don't want to start a whole thing that might bore them. I don't want to sound like I'm moaning, so I'll just go, "I'm fine!" And usually the tone in which I say "I'm fine" immediately betrays the fact that I'm- You know, might be clearly very stressed about something. *laughs*
[Interviewer:] Do you think your kind of friends would pick up or people you know would say, "Oh wait, you sure?" or would they delve deeper?
[Dan:] Everybody I know! They just look at me like, "Okay, Dan." *laughs* Cool, okay. So in ten minutes, we'll be talking about how you actually feel. We just need to get through the kind of ice breaking- Cause, you know, I'm that introvert and I'm quite socially awkward so it takes a while to melt the ice to get through to whatever's there.
[Interviewer:] You're hugely successful! You rose to fame with your YouTube videos. They are very funny!
[Dan:] Mhm. *laughs* Thank you!
[Interviewer:] But you have a few small serious ones in there recently. And you've spoken very openly about your depression. What prompted you to do it in the first place?
[Dan:] Yeah, so that was quite a journey. In case anyone doesn't know- Uh, hi, my name is Daniel Howell. *laughs* And as you say, I was mainly known for being somebody who uploaded comedy videos to YouTube. Which I think, Kylie, is something you and I have in common! I'm aware that you have some toes in the YouTube space.
[Interviewer:] Yeah! Oh my goodness. Back in the day, yeah.
[Dan:] Look at us! We got one toe in traditional media and the other in the Internet.
[Interviewer:] I love this. *laughs*
[Dan:] So yeah, these videos- They were something that I started when I was a teenager and they were just kind of comedy videos about everyday things. So I had like rants about how annoying people are at the airport or what it's like going on public transport. And then I'd, you know, move onto talking about things that people were arguing about in TV shows. It was all very funny. It was all very relatable. And as time went on, I started to be a bit more personal with the stories I was telling. I was saying, "You know what? I'm actually going to tell you today about the time I got fired." It was an awful time in my life but usually the things that are really awful are very funny to laugh at. And people liked that because I was sharing something personal. It was intimate. It made it even funnier because it was real and it was awful. You know, comedy is just tragedy and someone saying you're allowed to laugh at it. And it was in 2017- I'd gone through a few years where I really started to think about my own mental health seriously for the first time. Because I had quite an upsetting childhood, as someone who grew up gay. And I had a lot of issues with depression and various things and really had just never thought about it in my life until any point. And it was only when I was in my mid-twenties that for the very first time, I stepped back and I was like, "You know what? I'm feeling like this and this is something. It's not right and I should do something about it. I came to terms with the fact that I really had been struggling with depression for a very long time. And this is something that's obviously- It's quite hard to firstly accept on a personal level and then to tell anyone about: your friends and family. And for me, I was in this strange place because I had this career as this comedian who was known for sharing these things from my life and being very open and having this great relationship with my audience. And yet, it felt like there was this huge, kind of big secret dark cloud in my life that people didn't know about. And it was especially strange for someone who performs on stage and you know, who did jobs like the one I did on Radio One. And it felt like all the time, I was acting very funny. I was acting very happy and really there was this whole other side to me. And I just decided that for several reasons really, I had to get it out there just so people would know this fundamental thing about me so they'd understand a bit more about my story. But also that I felt, even in 2017, there was so much misconception around discussing mental health and what depression is. And so many people out there that felt like they needed to have this conversation held in a public place. So it was absolutely terrifying for me. But I decided to make one of my typical, you know, comedy videos where I tell stories and I talk about my opinions. Except I opened up about my depression and it was an absolutely huge moment in my life. And I remember being terrified when I hit that upload button. And the response I got was just so much more positive and powerful than I could've ever imagined. Not only because people were saying, "This is so much more compelling because it's real and you're being honest. But so many people had never really had depression explained to them? They were like, "I have loved ones that go through this. I have friends and I've seen it and now I understand it more." And so many other people said, "This is me. I was sat watching this." So people were saying, "I've been struggling with this for years and I didn't know how to talk about it to my family." Other people were saying, "I didn't even know this was me. Now I'm seeing it for the first time." And that really- You know, it was a moment that changed my life in my career for sure.
[Interviewer:] The thing I think you do really well in it is explain the difference between feeling sad and feeling depressed. Can you just explain that?
[Dan:] Well, we all feel sad many times. You know, we can watch a Disney movie and feel sad. *laughs* If something sad happens. But depression is when you notice for a long time that things aren't right. If you're not enjoying the things you should be enjoying. If you're having a real struggle just maintaining the basic things you should be doing: getting out of bed, feeding yourself, opening the curtains. If you feel like you've sunken into a hole. If you're not enjoying the things that you're doing. If you just don't have the energy- You don't want to socialize anymore. Then it's not just that you're feeling sad because an event. It may be that you are depressed and this isn't something that may just blow over. It's something that you need to really acknowledge and then do something to fix.
[Interviewer:] You also talk about how it affects things like your diet as well. Like that was quite a surprise to me. Sometimes you might feel like you might not want to eat at all. Sometimes you eat to try to make yourself feel better.
[Dan:] Absolutely. Yeah, some people when they feel depressed, they just can't eat because you know- I mean, cooking's an effort. I'm one of those people that hates cooking. I mean, I love eating. I hate cooking. So yeah. *laughs*
[Interviewer:] I'm with you.
[Dan:] And this was me sometimes. I would just go, "I don't want to cook." And then I would lay in bed all day and I wouldn't eat. And then another day, I would be feeling, you know, so self indulgent, I'd be like, "I'm going to order just the most decadent, gross amount of pizza no human should be able to consume in one sitting." And then do that just to fill the hole inside my soul with carbohydrates. And that may make you feel good for about ten minutes and then when you're digesting it all the next day, you realize that it's actually just another kind of self destructive behavior.
[Interviewer:] You also talk about medication as well, which I think was really brave. Cause even though lots of people might talk about feeling depressed, they don't share that they're talking any medication for it. In fact, the other day, my close friend shared with me that she was taking antidepressants. And I've known her for a decade and she's never told me that. Actually, it was because she's been listening to this podcast, which is great that she felt that she could share that. But do you think that is important to get the whole kind of picture out there?
[Dan:] I think there's a big stigma around taking medication, which is strange as an absolutely huge amount of the population are taking medication for all kinds of things. And antidepressants are very common. And of course we're saying this knowing that anyone listening- You should always consult a professional. Go to your doctor. Speak to them. For some people, medication works. For some people, it doesn't. It's one of many options but it's definitely something that- It can have big effects on how you behave. On how you need to live day to day. And you shouldn't be afraid of telling people that. It doesn't mean that you're broken. *laughs* It means that you're taking a step to try and get help and be better. And it's brave to share that, so I would encourage anyone that feels bad about the fact that they take medication to try to be more casually open about it. Which I appreciate can be really difficult because it just has this knock on effect of making everyone less ashamed.
[Interviewer:] What was that, kind of, first step like for you? Was it speaking to your family? Or was it going to the doctor when you sought professional help?
[Dan:] Well, the first time I sought professional help I think was when I was at University. I was going through a really hard- Kind of quarter life crisis time where I was thinking, "Oh, what am I doing with my life? Why am I enjoying what I'm doing?" And I just realized that I wasn't functioning on a day to day level. *laughs* And I spoke to one of the counselors at University and this was a positive experience. You know, sometimes if people talk about their mental health at their work place or their University, you hear these horror stories. I had one of those good examples where there was this lovely lady and she said, "It sounds like you have depression and if you need to take some time out of school to do that, then that's the right thing to do." And then I went to the doctor and then you know, we spoke and he said, "Yes, it sounds like this." And that was the first time I acknowledged it. And the first time for the few years, I kind of acknowledged it but I didn't actively work on it that much. And as I said, it was a few years later, when I was in my mid-twenties, when I was like, "No. If this is my normal, this isn't right. And it's something I need to make an effort to pull myself out of."
[Interviewer:] You are writing a book at the moment about this, aren't you? I wonder how that's been because sometimes, it's great, isn't it? To talk about stuff and other times, you actually just wanna be a bit quiet and deal with things, you know, in your own way. But I wonder whether a book has kind of open more things up for you.
[Dan:] Yeah, I mean, you know- Talk about coming out of the closet. Which is something I also literally did. *laughs*
[Interviewer:] We'll talk about that in a sec. *laughs*
[Dan:] Yeah, so the book is called "You Will Get Through This Night" and it is coming out in May next year. So it's only around preorder now, but people can find it on Amazon if they're interested. And it's quite wild for someone like me to write it. The book is a hand book. It's a tool for people to understand their mental health and to make changes to their improve their lives. And the idea behind it is that we are all kind of in this state where as humans in our modern society, there's various things that we feel ashamed to talk about. There's a stigma approaching various things. If we do certain things, we're viewed as weak. We don't want to admit certain things to ourselves and this is about breaking down all of those things and going, "Actually, all of these behaviors that so many of us do day to day are self destructive. These attitudes we have towards these certain things are totally wrong. We need to change the way we think about these things. We need to forgive ourselves slightly more. We need to be more patient." And also just understanding how all the things you do on a day to day basis affect your mental health. Sleep, exercise, socializing. Every single time you have a thought, you need to check that thought and go, "Am I being completely unreasonable and putting myself in a position where I'm going to have a crazy amount of stress or if I'm going to make myself really anxious." And the hope is that with this book, a lot of people will realize, "Oh my god, I do all of these things day to day and I had no idea what profound effect all of these things had on my life." I'm spicing it up slightly by obviously sharing my personal journey- *laughs* With all of these things and as you say- That is quite, uh, a strange experience for me because I- It's obviously been extremely helpful. I mean, it's been blowing my mind just writing this book. The whole thing done in consultation with a qualified psychologist, so obviously I know what I'm talking about when I'm giving this advice. And when I was reading all of the theory for me to turn into this book, I was just sat there myself- *laughs* As I would hope people would be when they read it thinking, "Oh my god, I'm awful! I need to give myself a break. We do all of these things all the time? And I'm making myself feel like this for no reason? That's crazy!" And came to saying, "Right, on this topic, I'm going to share with you what my journey has been dealing with this. Here's my stories about it. It's been simultaneously quite cathartic and to be honest, quite difficult revisiting a lot of these things. Especially if you go through things when you're younger or if you feel that there's certain things that you've moved past from. Then it can be quite upsetting to revisit these things and whilst initially, it was quite a jump to get into that, it definitely makes you realize that confronting things with a clear head, with the best of intentions and some honesty looking at yourself- It really makes you feel a lot better on the other side.
[Interviewer:] How do you cope with doing what you do because the industry you've chosen to work in- Not only like putting yourself out there on YouTube, but also saying, "I'm funny. Look at me, I'm going to make you laugh." You know, that must put a lot of pressure on you. But also, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing it can sometimes it can be a bit solitary as well? How do you deal with all of that going on?
[Dan:] Oh god, yeah. I picked as a complete introvert with crippling social anxiety and mild agoraphobia- I picked the absolute worst career possible. *laughs*
[Interviewer:] Yeah!
[Dan:] But maybe, that's why the material is so honest. *laughs* You know? That's why I have so much to work with. I think that, you know, there is an element of being forced to confront your demons that probably helps accelerate my internal growth process. And especially from the comedy perspective, there is a fine line between saying, "I'm going to open myself up for people to laugh at my stories and kind of appreciating that I need to save a bit vulnerability." And it- You know, it was crazy. I made a video called "Trying To Live My Truth" about the concept of authenticity and how in life, if generally, if we aren't being authentic- And this isn't just doing a career that we love. It may be being honest in the relationships that we have day to day in really being true to ourselves about what we want to be doing, where we want to be. If you kind of lie to yourself and go, "Oh, I'm just going to do this for a bit to do here. I'm only having a relationship with these people for now." Eventually, it'll get to you and it will wear you down. That was a really hard thing for me to talk about because I was saying, "There's so many aspects of my life where right now, I feel like I'm not being authentic and I'm realizing it's really taking a toll of me. So some people may have to appreciate that I'm going to have to tell them things and I may not be the person that they thought I was but this is something that I have to do if I need to be happier."
[Interviewer:] We talked earlier about how, you know, you've done some more serious videos. But actually, even your video about depression is really funny. And obviously it's really great to be talking about mental health but we need to not be too worthy about it, don't we? And just- I was watching that video feeling really connected to what you were saying and then a second later, I was laughing out loud and actually, it reminded me a bit of "After Life"- Ricky Gervais' show. I don't know if you watch that but.
[Dan:] *laughs* Yeah, definitely.
[Interviewer:] It's that very fine line that- You know, in one of his scenes, I remember when he was talking to his dad that I was crying and then literally the next second, I was laughing out loud. And I just felt- That's such a positive thing that you do and is that a real conscious thing that you do?
[Dan:] I mean, my default is to always kind of break the tension by making people laugh. And there's a side to that like, "Okay, we can laugh about it but eventually we're going to have to be a bit serious." So you need a bit of both but I think especially when talking about these difficult topics, just making it funny- It breaks that ice. And often by pointing out the silly things that happen as a result of these things, you know, I've been making fun of the fact that I'm depressed all day and my friend's just like pouring popcorn all over my head. Like, "Come on! Enjoy the things that you used to enjoy." It's like okay, that's really silly. That's really goofy. And it's like- But it kind of is silly, you know? And then me kind of taking a step back and realizing, "Yeah, me lounging around in bed all day. Yeah me being afraid to go outside for this reason or that." There are little things that are relatable. They're just a bit silly. And when you can laugh at that- I mean, just laughing or smiling once. We can talk about the health of people with depression. Sometimes putting on a bit of comedy and watching something can really save the day. So I think that there's a real benefit to even the most difficult topics, finding something to make people laugh. It makes it easier.
[Interviewer:] Let's talk about your video that's- I don't know how many millions of views it's got. "Basically I'm Gay." Tell me about that video and why that was important to make.
[Dan:] So that was essentially a coming out video. I mean, I would say it was the biggest moment of my life in a lot of ways. Because I've had a real struggle with sexuality my entire life. I think I've known, on some level, that I was some kind of gay since I was a small child. And I had an incredibly difficult time in school with bullying. I had difficult relationships with some of my family members and it was honestly- It was quite traumatic and I never really realized it because I got used to that state of just accepting that this is the way things are and getting on with it to survive. Kind of very extreme version of the British stiff upper lip to get -on with it. And it was only really when I reached kind of 27/28 when I was like, "Oh my god. No, this is awful! *laughs* I've got so much baggage. I've got a heathrow carousel in my cupboard over here." It was terrible. And I ran away from this entire subject of sexuality because it was just difficult. And there was so much wrapped up in it. And for any courage that it took me for me to talk about mental health or even just, you know, terrible things that happened to me that may be embarrassing when I'm on stage in a little routine or something. For me to not just talk publicly about my sexuality and everything that went into it but just to accept it myself was a huge journey. And you know, it's called internalized homophobia and it's basically from growing up in such a homophobic environment. I was brainwashed, really, to kind of hate myself and not accept the fact of who I was. And this was such a huge part of my mental health- My entire life. To the point where I only acknowledge it truly a few months before I made that video. I think when I was talking about that authenticity thing, I was just like, "I'm a sham." I was on a world tour with my friend. We did a stage show and went to eighteen countries. Think we met about fifty thousand people at these little meet and greets before the shows. And so many people would come up to me and they would be so honest. Some people would cry and they'd just say, "You opening up about depression gave me the strength to turn my life around." Or, "You talking about athenticity made me quit my job." There were other people that said, "I want to come out to my parents just because you talked about being authentic and about your mental health and these things." And I felt like a complete fraud because here I was- I was supposed to be this guy who made the funny videos but at the same time, I was talking about these topics and I was being open about myself. And I was just like, "The hugest thing is still completely hidden and it's something that I know I'm hiding from myself." And I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. So I uploaded this video saying, "I really just need to think about how I can be more authentic because I felt like I've hit this road block in my life where I just can't continue. I've done it for too long. I've put it off and I just feel like in every aspect of my life, I've hit that wall. And until I break through it, I just can't do anything." And I basically disappeared from the Internet for about a year. And in that year, it was a complete journey where I said, I needed to acknowledge it for myself. I realized if I ever wanted to talk about this publicly, there's so many things I need to do. I need to come out to my family. I need to tell friends. I need to think about how it's going to affect my work life and I really just went on this complete crash course of a life wrecking in the start of 2019. *laughs* And it was a huge journey. As I said, I'm this huge socially awkward person so the idea of coming out to my family. Oh, I just couldn't do it. It was just awful. I remember it was Boxing Day 2018 and all my family were just sat watching "Chicken Run" or something. And I was like, "I'm gonna do it. I have to do it at some point, you know? I have to tell the family." And it's this awful thing coming out- It's like nobody wants it to be a big deal. *laughs* It's just because that we live in this world where people are presumed to be straight, it's not like gay people want to cause a big scene by coming out. They have to. Because no matter what, when you tell somebody, it's going to be a big surprise usually. So I'm the last person that wanted to make it all about me. God, I just want to blend into the background. I was thinking, "I'm going to have to completely blow up this Christmas." And I couldn't do it. So I thought that was the perfect opportunity and it's gone now. My family- For about two months, I was just like, "Aw, I ruined it. I ruined it. That was my one chance."
[Interviewer:] Oh gosh, that must have been so stressful! You're just carrying that around.
[Dan:] Oh, it was awful! Yeah and then I went for dinner with my mum. And I was like, "Okay, intimate. I'll do this." And then again, I was like, "I don't want to ruin my mum's birthday by making it all about me." *laughs* Then I left having failed to do it then and I went, "Right, this is getting stupid now." So you know what I did? I wrote an email to all of my family. Just CC'd them on an email and just said, "Hi. Basically I'm gay. Let me know if you want to talk about it. Bye!" And I just hit send and closed my laptop. That is very much- That is the Dan Howell strategy of throwing the hand grenade, closing the door, and going, "Whoops!" And then I got the phone calls and you know, thankfully I think that we're living in a much more kinder, accepting world than we did twenty years ago. I think that we can see when it comes to all kinds of things- The world is getting a lot more smarter and educated and just accepting and more kind. So the reception that I got from my family in 2019 was very kind and loving accepting. And it was really kind of wonderful. It felt like this huge, colossal weight had been lifted from me where I felt like there was this wall between me and my family my entire life, where there was just something that was unsaid. Something that would've explained so much. A fundamental part of who I was. It was so important to get that out there. And as you said earlier, just you know, as someone that as a public figure. As an entertainer who talks about myself for my career, getting this out there? I don't know. It was just absolutely profound so I spent months and months writing this video. And for people that don't know, you'd expect a YouTube video to be a twenty second video of a cat falling down the stairs or something. I ended up putting this forty five minute- *laughs* It was basically a stand up special that I filmed in my office. It was dense. I was like, "Look, if I'm going to talk about sexuality, I've got say strap yourselves in people." And yeah, the moment I hit go on that, it transformed my entire life. It was really just this feeling of this pressure lifting all around me and it felt like age 28, that I finally alive for the first time. And my life had only just begun. Because only now was I actually out there. People knew who I was and I could kind of begin living authentically in world where people actually knew who I was. And that's crazy.
[Interviewer:] Do you wished you'd done it earlier or do you think it was the right time?
[Dan:] *sighs* I do wish I did it earlier. What I would say to anybody- You may be somebody queer in the closet thinking about doing this or you may just be someone who wants to open up to your loved ones about the fact that you may be depressed. Or you just want to be honest about the things in your life saying, "You know what? I really hate my job and it's ruining my life." Or something about the relationships in the life or the friendships. They're just not working. You cannot sit on these things forever. Confronting them an be so difficult. I mean, look at me. I basically went into a cave for a year- *laughs* And had the most socially awkward time ever dealing with it. And it was so difficult but I cannot tell you how free it felt afterwards. So that's definitely something I want everybody listening to this to take away.
[Interviewer:] Did you look at the comments on the video? And if you did, what were they like?
[Dan:] Yeah. I mean, I try not to- *laughs* You know, see what people are saying about me too much but I did. It was all very nice and as I say, you know, I wish I would've done it earlier in my life but I don't think I could've done it earlier in my life. And I didn't. And that was for a reason. I just couldn't have. I just wasn't in the place to. I did it when I did and thankfully we're in a world now that's so much better. And my audience that I have is so kind and loving and accepting. Because you know, I cultivated a following of people that liked me being open about mental health and sharing the most awkward, stupid stories from my life. So when I shared the biggest thing, what was there waiting for me was a community of people that were there to be supportive. And that was just- You know, I feel so lucky that I had that really positive experience. So just like the depression video, people were saying, "I feel seen by this." Or, "I now finally understand what it's like for gay people in a way that I didn't before. I can talk to my mum. I can show my mum this. I'm straight and I had no idea. This is amazing." And just to see that a byproduct of me being honest about myself managed to help people- It really, you know, it helps! *laughs* Cause it's safe to say that I've struggled a lot. I'm someone that is very, very good at beating myself up. I don't ever taking a win. People always say that about me. If something goes very well, they'll be like, "How'd it go Dan?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah. It was alright." "What do you mean? It went great?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah! It's fine." *laughs* So yeah definitely, I feel very lucky it's gone as well as it did.
[Interviewer:] You're an ambassador for YoungMinds as well and you know, you're obviously speaking out, "Hey!" And for your YouTube videos. Do you think there is still a stigma particularly attached to young people and mental health?
[Dan:] I think that definitely young people- When you get into teenage years, everyone's very defensive and they're very aggressive. And I think that a lot of people go into- Especially the school environment feeling scared. They don't want to be judged by other people. They don't want to seem weak. They're proactively feeling scared and defensive and aggressive to protect themselves from being harmed by people cause you're just so scared. So definitely. People don't want to admit that they have anxiety. I think that young queer people might not feel like you know, "I can't do this now. It's not worth the risk." And I think that the YoungMinds charity, which is part of the Royal Foundation that Harry and Will support, does such amazing jobs cause they not only create material to help young people understand, "If you're feeling like this, you might have anxiety. That's not normal. And here's how to help." But they also reach out to parents to say, "This is how you can observe these things that may be happening in your family and realize it may be silent. It may not be talking about it. It may be this huge issue happening right in front of you." And as well, they're helping the schools cause I think it's definitely safe to say that schools could do it a lot better in protecting mental health of the young people that go to them. So it's definitely one of the off shoots of me opening up about depression. Being apart of this amazing charity that does such great work. It helps me sleep at night.
[Interviewer:] And we'll hear, um, about an appeal actually to raise money for mental health including Mind and YoungMinds in a minute. It's so important, isn't it? That they exist. That they're even out there for us.
[Dan:] It's a lifeline for people because I think that anyone who struggled with any mental health issue listening to this would know that that one conversation- That first conversation. First olive branch that you get reaching out to you. That could be what saves your life. So it may feel like, "Oh, we've talked about this enough. Doesn't everyone know about mental health right now?" And there may be someone listening to this that's going, "You know what? That's me. I've got that thing that I haven't shared yet. I need to have that conversation. I need to have that one moment where someone listens to me, acknowledges how I feel." And definitely, it's just such a huge part of everyone's life. And it's completely silent. There's still so much more to do.
[Interviewer:] I hate this word, Dan, but I'm gonna say it. It sounds like you've been on a real journey. *laughs* I can't think of a better word.
[Dan:] *laughs* Oh no. I've been full hobbit there and back again, yeah. It's been a real around the world adventure. And you can watch it all on the internet, god.
[Interviewer:] I wonder if you could talk about kind of just the lowest point but then the kind of real highs. Cause then, at the moment, it sounds like you're in a really good place.
[Dan:] I mean, I'm definitely in a better place. I think that none of us should ever feel like we've solved all our issues and we're fine. You know, that was me, age 22. I was like, "Cool! Apparently I've got depression. That's fine. I know what to do it." It's like no, you need to- You need to make an effort. You need to really think about all the things in your life. You need to talk to a doctor. I think that, you know, for me- My lowest point was definitely when I was teenager. There was a point where I actually tried to take my own life because the struggles that I had with my sexuality were just so extreme within my friend group and school and everything that I was hearing from the world. I just really felt like, "I'm broken. This is not right." I looked at the world around me and I thought, "There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere else. I know everything." So it was that impulse impulse is what I think people in this situation feel. Where they just think, "This isn't about anyone and this isn't a rational decision, but I just feel like there's nowhere to go. And I need to hit the escape hatch." And I was so wrong because as I got older and time progressed, I just realized that the world is so big. And even if you feel like you're trapped in a situation, time can change everything. And if I just knew how much the world would change. How much my life would change. Not just with my career, but just moving to a different city. Meeting new people. I wasn't stuck. There was nothing like that and that was definitely the lowest point. And I feel so glad that I managed to make through that time. And the fact that you know, I made it through all these years and- *laughs* This journey that I went on. Kind of very publicly. Going from like- I think I even made a YouTube video just before I got a job at Radio One saying, "I'm going to drop out of Law School to try to make it as an entertainer." And everyone at the time was like, "You're an idiot. What are you doing? What?!" *laughs* Cause this before anyone had a career on the internet, you know? They were like, "Okay,so the BBC wants to give you this job. That's kind of cool. But are you sure you don't want to be a lawyer? That seems cool." My granddad was not happy.
[Interviewer:] I'm bet. *laughs*
[Dan:] You can see this whole journey and you know, from doing everything I did with Radio One to writing a book and to end up in a position where me just going on the journey that I need to go on personally ends up being shared with the world- That can do something for other people is just a bonus that makes me feel just really happy. Not just personally, but for the state that the world is in.
[Interviewer:] Aw Dan, it's been so nice chatting to you today. Thank you so much for your time.
[Dan:] It's been really nice. It's been like a therapy session. It's very cathartic! [Interviewer:] That's good! I'm for me. Great! Dan, thanks so much.
[Dan:] Thank you very much. Have a nice day, everyone.
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I am watching hours worth of ex-vegan “interviews” or testimonials, so you don’t have to.
I link to each one so you can see them for yourself, but I wrote down the important points of each one, since I believe this is not just important, but vital information. This could save people’s lives, if they just stop and think and look at another perspective before they go into it.
These are real people. They really wanted it. They really knew what they were doing. They weren’t “doing it wrong”. These are their experiences.
Ex-Vegan (8 Years): Veganism Is a Teeth Rotting, Muscle Atrophying, Degenerating, Fart Fest
A young man with a lot of health issues including severe eczema, got into veganism to get healthy
He had previously been living the typical “college” lifestyle with lots of fast food, no health-thinking at all
For the first year or two, he felt amazing, he did fine for four years, had a successful YouTube channel talking about skin health and the vegan diet
Emphasizing how “literally obsessed” he was with his dental hygiene and health, four years into veganism, his teeth were deteriorating and every time he visited the dentist, he had to have a root canal, he had cavities, infections, receding gums, always something
He was always bloated with a visibly bloated belly
Despite being a very health-focused athlete, his muscles wouldn’t grow the way they should
His skin started going “grey” and his hair lost its rich color
His memory and ability to focus deteriorated
He completely lost interest in food - everything “disgusting”
Feeling a craving for protein, he upped the high-protein vegan foods, and he only felt worse and worse
After realizing this diet was making him sick, he took one bite of salmon and “it was like taking drugs” - clear, physical reaction to it, and compared to the plants giving bloating and gas, “it felt like I was eating nothing, but I had so much energy”
After going back to eating animal protein (as much wild fish/meat as possible), his weight corrected itself, strength in the gym went “off the charts”
The pain and irritation he had on the vegan diet went away
His gums went from white pink to red, “right away”
Digestion issues - gone, hormonal issues - gone
“Since I’ve been eating animals, I feel more humble and more gentle towards animals, I feel more respect towards them, and I feel like I understand the cycles of life and appreciate life even more”
He says the vegan diet can help people to “clean out the body” as it did for him, but veganism, he doesn’t understand. “If your mom was on her death bed, and she had the choice: Die a horrible, painful death, or eat salmon, you would want your mom to die a horrible death rather than eat salmon. I’m asking this to vegans, and a lot of them are like ‘Under no circumstance would I ever have my mom or anyone I know, eat salmon, because it’s killing an animal, it’s abuse’. And I’m like aren’t humans animals?”
“I view the vegan diet as a disease-reversal protocol, not as a ‘forever diet’.”
Ex-Vegan Family: (6+ Years): "Healthy" Vegan & Vegetarian Dogma Depleted Health and Vitality
Casey vegetarian/vegan for ~15 years
Did it to try to clear up his eczema and staph infections (which were so bad the doctors wanted to amputate his legs), didn't really work
He did feel great for the first few months as a raw vegan, but looking back, he believes it was more due to cutting out grains and processed foods, since he found grains are terrible for him
Lost a lot of weight, rotting teeth, reoccuring cavities
Gina became vegan at the age of 13, being a picky eater and caring about animals
The "readymade" vegan food wasn't doing well for her, so she started eating only raw vegan food
She felt really good - for about six months. After six months, a very severe depression, accompanied by brain fog, lack of mental focus, constant hunger, weight loss and joint pain, kicked in
She believed so hard that this had to be right, that she stayed a vegan for 6 years, before introducing dairy
At the age of 17, after four years on veganism, developed a cancerous tumor on her leg (not necessarily connected, but worth noting)
Five years into veganism she was pregnant, and began craving red meat - they started buying local dairy, meat, liver and eggs
After the baby, she went back to raw veganism, and the joint pain came back, "it's detox"
She instead went back to being vegetarian rather than raw vegan, but she still suffered from worsening joint pain, fatigue, brain fog
A couple of years later, she was pregnant again and she was craving red meat so much she even dreamt about it
Her conclusion was "I must be doing it wrong, I must just eat more of the high-protein vegan food"
For her third pregnancy, she stayed vegan, and the birth was the hardest one she had
The baby had the lowest birth weight of the three, still normal weight, but later, he wasn't gaining weight normally
The child couldn't sit up at six months, couldn't walk at a year old, was depressed, only learned to walk after they gave him meat, and he finally became happy
Then on her fourth pregnancy, she was not vegan for the first half, but went back to raw vegan on the latter half of the pregnancy, and this child was healthy
On raw veganism at the end of the fourth pregnancy, her teeth were "falling apart", her bones were aching, and she was so foggy she couldn't think or remember anything
At the end of her pregnancy, she hadn't gained any weight, just stayed the same
Her teeth were full of cavities, despite having been to the dentist and "fixed everything" just some months prior
They could never manage raw fruit more than six months at a time, constant hunger
They believed the constant hunger could be due to parasites, so they ate anti-parasitic herbs which only made things worse
When she stopped eating vegetables (only fruit?), she got skin rashes as well
When they went back to meat, they felt full for the whole day, while on raw veganism, they had to eat all the time and were still always hungry
At the time of filming, they were completely off veganism for four months and she feels like her brain has "grown", she has energy, can exercise again, is gaining muscle
Ex-Vegan (4 Years): How Veganism Shortened My Lifespan
Started veganism as a New Year’s resolution to turn his life around, after living “like a degenerate”
He started with a month-long juice fast, where he felt great
On the first year as a “whole foods vegan” (mainly raw), he suffered from loss of libido, insomnia, migraines, arthritis, couldn’t build muscle
After a year, he went back to a diet of white rice, lean meat, bone marrow and occasional red meat
This diet immediately got his libido and muscle growth back
After some time, peer pressure made him drop the meat, but he still ate eggs
The vegans around him told him “if you continue to eat meat and dairy, you will not be able to ascend and channel divine guidance”
One of them was a nutritionist, and when he told her veganism destroyed his health, she said that he needs to be on 80/10/10, a fruit-based diet
He stayed on it for five months, and it was “the worst 4-5 months of my life”
He went on another vegan diet, based on sprouts, sea vegetables and algae, and a bunch of supplements
Same problems - lack of libido, insomnia, lack of muscle, migraines, cracking joints
A friend who saw him for the first time in years said “you look like one of those kids in the refugee camps”, because his face was so sunken-in
His friend eventually convinced him to go with him to a steakhouse, and he describes the first bite he took as “the fat going straight into my brain” and he felt “like a dying wolf”
He gorged on 2-3 pounds of fatty meat, slept for twelve hours, and his friends told him he immediatly looked like a completely different person
His cracking joints, dry skin and insomnia went away
Still, he went back to veganism, and all the problems came back
He went back and forth between raw veganism and primal diet every 2-4 weeks, rebuilding on an animal-based diet, deteriorating on a plant-based diet, always thinking “this time I will make it work”
He had to give up aiming for optimum health as a vegan, instead aiming for just “normal stability”
Staying at an old vegan institute managed by one of the creators of his sprouts-algae-supplements diet, doing a colonic, the worker there admitted to him most of them there are not vegan, because they fall apart on it, but go on a primal diet
During the colonic, the worker pushed his liver, and he felt “fire” going down his intestines. What came out was all green, spirulina, algae and other such supplements, which had simply stored in his liver
He speaks a lot about studies on different “uncivilized” peoples around the world, who were all eating high amounts of animal fat, wherever they lived
At the end, he speaks of where veganism might be coming from, and the lie that veganism is good for the environment
His message to vegans is to “quit bothering and harassing people”, and that if you care about animals, go buy cheap land in Arizona and make an animal shelter or something, instead of bullying people who eat meat
Ex-Vegan (2 Years): Vegans Have No Empathy for Humans
Vegetarian for six years, before going vegan
Ate mainly raw vegan, and then her stomach became “an empty, vacant hole”, she was always hungry
Throughout her time on veganism, she was taking lots of supplements
Her skin dried up, she got acne all over her face
She became “emotional and neurotic” and “absolutely insane” from a lack of B12
A lot of talk about the cult mindset in the “vegan community”
Starting to eat eggs again, she felt “a little bit better”, but still felt hungry all the time
Panic attacks over tiny things, anemia, constant diarrhea
Started eating fish, it didn’t help much
She was always hungry but had no appetite, had to force-feed herself
After a particularly bad day, she realized she was risking her life, and ate steak the next day
Eating steak for the first time in years, she felt warmth throughout her body, tingling on her head, and “satiated” for the first time in years, “it changed my life”
Ex-Vegan (12+ Years): Veganism Is Starvation - Fruitarianism Is Suicide
Started in 2002 as a vegetarian for a year before going vegan, became raw vegan from 2009-2011, then went on to fruitarianism until 2015
She says many feel great the first year or so on veganism, because they cut out all the junk from their diet
She had digestive issues prior to becoming vegan, thought it might help, but it only got worse and she got sicker as the years progressed
After six years and only getting sicker, she thought it must be the drugs for her health issues, "I'm doing it wrong", or "my body is wrong"
(They talk about some very interesting "meat and milk causes cancer"-studies four minutes in)
She said the raw vegan years were the worst of her life, that her brain “stopped functioning”. She became "permanently psychotic", she "saw hell" and heard voices - conclusion: "oh, it's detox"
When she stopped veganism in 2015, she had a test done on her hair. They said they had never seen that much heavy metal in someone's hair before
She had been doing nothing but "cleansing" and "detoxing" for the past five years, and she was "the most toxic, sick person you'll ever meet"
She was “literally dying” towards the end, freezing cold all the time, her bones hurt so much she couldn't lay on a hard surface
She couldn't digest anything but fruit anymore, it took two years of quitting raw veganism until the point where she could digest vegetables and meat again
Her teeth had to be all "redone", because they were rotten to the roots, her hair was falling out
She was told that on this fruitarian diet, it will feel like hell for 2-3 years, because of the "detox", then they will feel great, like godlike beings
But since 2-3 years passed and people still felt awful, their "leader" changed that to "people are so sick today, the detox will take 5-6 years!"
This also didn't happen, people stuck for 5-6 years and only got sicker, so the story changed to "7-8 years, then you will feel great!"
Her comment: "You can't be a herbivore and be healthy. If you want to have a life of mental illness and an early death and degeneration, go be vegan."
Many of these people have also spoken of how many well-known names in the vegan/raw/fruitarian communities (from YouTubers to authors) are known “cheaters” who eat meat frequently in order to stay healthy, while lying to their audiences and telling them to stay vegan.
These were only five. I will do more of these posts, to keep them at a readable length.
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Survey #293
“your head upon a stick would look really sick, but they would call me crazy for the way i spoke to it”
Hey bitch, what's your fucking name? What a start, jc lmao. Brittany. What color are your nails? They're not painted. Last time you got some ass? Well this survey's gonna be a journey. Many years ago. Do your parents like your style/music choices? Yeah, at least most of it. Some music my mom really doesn't like or just hates, while I can't even imagine Dad's reaction to some bands I enjoy. Ever seen your parents make out? tbh would rather slam my ankle on a Razor scooter. What's your dream height and weight? Forget about my height, if I could just be at least 120 again... Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What do you do when your house loses power? Light a bunch of candles and carry flashlights. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek piercings. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes. I grew up going to Sunday school and church, even though I hated both. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Gah... it was a very, very big source of argumentative fuel between Mom and me all the way up to my late teenage years when she just gave up; now, it's to be expected and is completely "normal." I always wanted to be on the computer once I was introduced to it; she tried to limit my time on it, and it was without fail what she would take away whenever I was grounded. I'd even sneak onto it when I wasn't allowed to if she wasn't home and Dad was in their room. My mom really did try to keep me from being hooked on technology, she really did, it just didn't work, but dear god I wish it did. I just about turn into a caveman without some form of it, and it's pretty pathetic. Dad meanwhile has never really cared much, but he'd make a comment here and there that would make me self-conscious about it. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, and guess who would be ignored for the rest of their lives if they did. It's so fucking disrespectful and objectifying to me. If someone wants to send a partner something like that by their own volition, that's cool, but asking, that just seems incredibly rude to me and turns the person into an object of lust. Ever been so scared you pissed? Caaan't say I have. Can you watch scary movies at night and not be scared? Yeah, they've never really fazed me. Last reason you got your cell taken away? I actually don't know if that's ever happened, given the aforementioned computer thing. I was never hooked on my phone. Could you handle working on a farm? Nooooo, that is way too much physical exertion. Have you ever been attacked by an animal? No. Have you ever had to put an animal to sleep? ugh Do you have a favorite type of firework? Well, visually I really just like the big colorful ones, but I don't endorse the use of fireworks anymore. Some animals literally die from fear, they can be seriously upsetting to veterans with PTSD (you could have one in your neighborhood and never know you indirectly gave them a panic attack), and they're a large source of litter. Where would/did you get your first tattoo? My right wrist. What's your favorite kind of pet? Snakes. Favorite dinosaur? Spinosaurus is obviously the coolest. It's always been my fave. How many pets do you have? Sigh, just two. Our landlord doesn't want us to get anymore pets than what we came in with. What were two of your favorite Disney movies as child? The Lion King and Finding Nemo. They're still my favorite Disney movies. When carving pumpkins, how do you decide what you're going to do? I haven't carved a pumpkin in years... so idk. Do you own any art supplies? Some, yeah. Do you believe you have a higher IQ than most? Definitely not. What is the name of the doctor that delivered you? I have no clue. Mom knows him for sure because she's mentioned him from my childhood, but I don't. Have you ever seen a Lamborghini in person? Hunny, I live in rural North Carolina. You don't see that level of bougie here lmao. Shane Dawson: funny or annoying? I honestly think he's fucking hilarious. I just have such conflicting feelings about him after "the drama," hearing so many people's opinions (particularly from those who know him so well, like his fiance and Ryland's sister), fact checking, audio cutting and mixing, the whole "people change" philosophy... I don't know. When you have a container of Neapolitan ice cream, what flavor do you leave for last? I ain't touchin' strawberry. Gross. If you could choose to have any superpower ever, what would you pick? I'd wanna be a shapeshifter/druid. What would you be more embarrassed to buy: sex toys or adult diapers? Yikes, sex toys. Given my age, I'd say if I bought adult diapers, people would assume they weren't for me. I'm awkward enough with all things relating to sex to begin with, so. What’s the biggest animal you’ve ever killed? Yo wtf I never have and never will (intentionally) kill an animal. Well, correction: I've killed bugs before, the biggest probably being some spider or something, but I really try to avoid this now. Could you win the Hunger Games? lol hell to the fuck no, have you seen me??? For you, would getting amnesia be a good thing? ... Maybe? Not saying I wanna find out, though. Have you ever been punched in the face? No, plan on keeping it that way. Is morality universal or relative? I question this myself. Who is your favorite late night talk show host? I don't have one. Where do you put your keys when you get home? They stay in my purse. Do you prefer hot coffee or iced coffee? Neither. The sheer variety of questions relating to coffee and tea in surveys boggles my mind, always feel left out that I can't answer 'em lmao. What’s your phone background picture? My lock screen is this pretty, soft aesthetic screen that has "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough" written in the center. I've really needed it for my mental health lately. My home screen is some meerkats. I know, can you believe neither are currently Mark? Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? Plenty. How do you cope with anxiety? Deep breathing, mindfulness and grounding exercises, confiding in my mom, listening to music (usually my favorite calm, instrumental soundtracks, like from the Silent Hill franchise - particularly the second game! - or Shadow of the Colossus), try to nap, play a game as a distraction, watch my favorite YouTubers (typically something funny)... I'm lucky to have learned a lot. Now, if only I could cope with social anxiety... What was the last takeout food you ate? Oh Jesus, how embarrassing is this timing, seeing as it was one of my unhealthiest fast food orders: Son of the Baconator and Baconator fries from Wendy's. It was so fuckin good tho. Who makes you laugh the most? My friend Girt. What does a successful relationship look like to you? One with great communication and total honesty, and when you are able to build each other up and bring out the best in your partner. It's also imperative for you to feel safe being your authetic safe for me to consider it "successful." What do you like to put on your baked potato? "Salt, pepper, butter, cheese, bacon bits." <<<< That's how we do it, lads. What was the most memorable birthday you’ve had? My 16th, but not for good reasons. Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains? That's easy as hell, mountains. I don't like the beach. Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? Yeah. Not gonna like what I see no matter what, but I'd like to make sure I don't look worse whan what's normal. Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? No. What do you like to dip your fries in? It varies between ketchup and honey mustard. What’s your favorite kind of museum? Science. Do you believe in alternate universes? Nah, I don't think so. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. What games do you play on your smart phone? Mostly just Pokemon GO nowadays. I haven't touched Dragons of Atlantis in a long time... Do you know anyone who is colorblind? Jason's older brother is red/green colorblind, I think? Are you the youngest, middle or eldest child in your family? Middle. What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? Ugh, I need to finish decorating my damn room... Got most of the stuff on the walls now, but it's still pretty skeletal in self expression. My motivation is abysmal. Have you ever flown a kite? Oh yeah, I loved to fly a kite with Dad as a little kid when the tobacco field just across the road was barren. Who was the last person you talked about sex/relationships with? My doctor. How many brothers does your father have? I'm almost certain he doesn't have one, just one sister. Do you think you act older or younger than your actual age? It depends on the situation. When it comes to "adulting," I don't have a fuckin clue what I'm doing. I doubt anyone would believe I'm a month shy of 25. In terms of general maturity, I think I act my age, if not older. When was the last time you swam in a pool? It's been years. What are your parents' views on your relationships? Mom is always very supportive so long as they treat me right; she's taken to all my previous partners very well and treated them like family, too. My dad is also supportive as long as I'm treated properly and happy. Is your best friend dating anyone? No. Have you ever babysat before? Twice, but not really willingly. Way too stressful. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? It took a very, very long time, but all pictures with Jason are forever deleted. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? Not a huge crush, no. Ever watched porn? No. You do you, but I don't see the appeal of watching some random people fuck. Ever performed in a talent show? No. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? Nope. How many celebrity crushes have you had? I'd say Jesse McCartney, Link Neal, and Mark Fischbach are my only BIG celeb crushes I've had. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? I dunno, don't feel like reaching back and counting. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Not visually, but with my adoration of animals. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? Oh, I'm sure. None that are horribly embarrassing though, or else I would have deleted them. Ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen a therapist since the 6th grade. Ever purposely ignored a text? Yep. A Facebook message? Sure have, when I was beyond done arguing with a former friend. A friend request? No, I just decline or accept it. My page is private, so you can't see my activity, and it's not like they get notified if it's declined, Would you say you read into things too much? I am the fucking sovereign of this. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? I love my mom to death, but no. I'd be disappointed. Ever had a credit card denied? I've never had one in the first place. Ever had the lead in a play? No. I do remember though in elementary school, I was real bummed that I wasn't Snow White for one we did for Music class. What about a solo in a concert? Never been in a concert. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? Well. One, she's long past menopause. Two, because of ovarian cancer, she had all those organs removed. So, that would be impossible. Have you ever had a threesome? No; I'm personally strictly monogamous and would feel it to be disloyal, even if my parnter was okay with it. What's the last game you used dice for? Not a clue. Are you interested in surfing at all? Have you ever been? No. What brand of bottled water do you prefer? Essentia. What is your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. What is your favorite chocolate candy? motherfuckin REESE'S Have you ever been called a racial slur? No, considering I'm Caucasian. Why did you last stand in line? I was at the doctor's office, I think? What is your favorite pirate movie? /shrug What is your favorite character from Orange Is the New Black? I've never watched it. What was the most unsettling film you’ve seen? Watching the ending to Paranormal Entity was VERY uncomfortable. It was a decently scary movie, but the ending was seriously intense. When was the last time you were snooping, and found something you wish you hadn’t? I don't recall. Which celebrity or band has the worst fan base? I don't know. What are you interested in that most people aren’t? The sheer degree of my love for meerkats would definitely be missed by probably most people. What smartphone feature would you actually be excited for a company to implement? I dunno. Anything I could think of, the most current products probably already have and I'm just uninformed of them. Like, I use a Tracfone lmao. What’s something people don’t worry about but really should? Their plastic usage and disposal. I'm certainly no saint when it comes to plastic either, but I try to do all I can. What movie quotes do you use on a regular basis? Hm, ARE there any? Do you think that children born today will have better or worse lives than their parents? This depends on what you consider "better" and "worse." Environmentally, I honestly don't think mankind can maintain itself for that many more generations at the rate we're currently at, so that's probably just gonna keep getting worse. On the other hand, advances in medicine and things like that will certainly continue to improve quality of life in that sense. Human rights are getting better and better. I do fear that we're becoming too comfortable with laziness and convenience, but I hope that's a decline we don't continue to venture down. What’s the funniest actual name you’ve heard of someone having? I had a college classmate named Apple. Which charity or charitable cause is most deserving of money? Oh, come on now. It's not a competition. What game have you spent the most hours playing? So. When you type /played in World of Warcraft, it will show you your total playtime, and mine is YIKES. Like, around a year's worth of time of pure playing since 2014, I think. What’s the most comfortable bed or chair you’ve ever been in? I don't recall. What’s the hardest you’ve ever worked? When I did WiiFit religiously and lost around 40 pounds in HS. I was in the best shape of my life. What movie, picture, or video always makes you laugh no matter how often you watch it? Oh, there's certainly something. Probably some Unus Annus clip. That channel was a fucking blessing and a curse all the same. If you could have an all-expenses paid trip to see any famous world monument, which monument would you choose? Oh boy, I'd have to think, but probably somewhere in Rome or Greece. What’s the coldest you’ve ever been? I'm unsure. Probably jumping in the pool as a kid. My sisters and I would nag Dad to put the pool up on like the very first day of spring, so of course it was cold, but as a kid, I didn't mind that. What’s the most ridiculous thing you have bought? Hm. What’s the most depressing meal you’ve eaten? Ha ha yiiiikes, struggle foods... I don't know, but I've had some. What outdoor activity haven’t you tried, but would like to? Herping, though I change my mind on-and-off about it. I'm not very into the idea of disturbing wildlife just because they're cool and you wanna check them out. I'd totally go exploring with a camera, though, and not actually pick anything up. If you were given five million dollars to open a small museum, what kind of museum would you create? Hm... I actually think something like an art museum for the mentally ill would be pretty interesting and educational? Even something that could build empathy. Maybe mix some psychology in there to understand conditions.
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Hákon interview on ‘Vloggað um ekki neitt’ - translation/summary
This video is a 25-minute interview of Matthías by Hákon from Iceland Music News, about a play that Matthías was commissioned to write for the National Theater (Þjóðleikhúsið). In the process, they talk about how they met, the beginning of Matthías’s interest in theater, and the experience of being a teenager being constantly lectured at.
As it's quite long, I'm not going to translate word for word; this will be mostly summarizing, with choice quotes.
The play in question is called Vloggað um ekki neitt (Vlogging about nothing), and it's written with a specific age group in mind - the theater commissioned him to write a play for two actors aimed at ~13-15-year-olds. The theater's educational department does this, selecting demographics and commissioning educational shows meant to appeal to those groups.
Matthías thinks it's a challenge to write for this particular group; it's not obvious that a play for teenagers should be such and such. "I think teenagers just want to be treated like sapient beings, people with taste, and then it's pretty hard to be deciding, 'Yeah, this is like this, because you're teenagers.'" What's annoying about being a teenager, he posits, is that society as a whole is always trying to patronize you.
Hákon says that he remembers, from being a teenager, that there's also a pretty huge maturity gap between thirteen- and fifteen-year-olds. Matthías agrees, and adds that when you're a teenager you're developing your tastes and your self-image, feeling yourself reflected in the things that you like that somebody else might not, and that makes it difficult to categorize you as an age group. The last thing you want is being told, "This is for you, because you're fifteen" - either you like the thing or you don't.
"I also think that teenagers are generally... you aren't going to be telling them anything they don't know. I can imagine that if I were fifteen and I were invited to see a play that some random Matthías Tryggvi dude has written with your age group in mind, I'd just be like 'Okay, this is going to be some drug prevention bullshit, I've heard it all before, I know exactly what it's going to be like, I've been to the theater, I know what this is.'"
Hákon says teenagers as an audience vary a lot. He brings up Skrekkur, a popular youth talent competition for the 13-15-year-old stage of Reykjavík schools, where groups of teens will put together a short theatrical performance, each school will pick one to represent them, and then the schools compete. Matthías notes Hákon has hosted Skrekkur and participated in it, but Hákon corrects him, saying he never participated; at the time, as a young teen, he didn't think theater was very cool at all. Matthías says, "Those upbeat, positive types were just a bit intolerable. That's where I was at, too, at that age." They agree that they were basically the 'difficult' teenagers that might be in the audience.
Matthías says that he saw Leg (Uterus), a black comedy musical about teenage pregnancy by Hugleikur Dagsson, at this theater, and thought it was awesome. (This was in 2007! I saw it too, and it was pretty great. I was 17 at the time; Matthías would've been thirteen.) He loved Hugleikur's books and their grotesque humour, which he still jives with. Leg really opened up the world of theater to him, surprised him with what theater could be. And he hopes Vloggað um ekki neitt could be that for at least one teenager.
They move on to talking about the play itself. Matthías notes it's still in progress, and he's been working on writing it on and off for more than a year (I'm going to guess he was contacted by the theater about doing this during or after Hatari's participation in Söngvakeppnin; Hatari's huge popularity with youth probably made the directors of the theater immediately pin him as likely to write something teens could get excited about). He expects it to go into rehearsals this fall.
The play is about two people trying to become successful vloggers on YouTube. Matthías says really it's kind of like what they're doing right now, "just projecting yourself, and what you have to say, no matter how ill-advised it may be, out into the world." Hákon will be playing one of the two characters, Konráð.
Matthías notes that one thing about writing teenagers, and characters on social media or YouTube or the like, is that you're entering their domain. His main source on YouTubers is his fifteen-year-old sister. "It's their home field, they know how this works, they know what's cool. So very early in the process, I just admitted defeat. I'm not about to write cool social media content for these characters, or write it to be cool. They're always going to fail. It'll be some kind of attempt the characters are making to make good content on YouTube, but it's doomed to fail, because it's the audience that knows what good content is."
Hákon does think the characters are making honest attempts, having read the script so far, and they're honest characters, critical of themselves, perhaps too critical at times. "Yeah, they're scared to take the leap, scared to publish the material they're recording." Hákon says that's probably a common issue for vloggers, whether to publish something or ditch it or start over. Matthías says he's pretty sure PewDiePie, who his sister introduced him to, records a deluge of material and has somebody else editing it for him. It's become a bit of a production, even though it's just him at his computer playing video games (or other things). The characters in the play have that dilemma, as they're making content but are unsure how to present it and edit it.
Hákon talks about how as an artist you have to have a degree of self-reflection and be able to recognize when an idea isn't going anywhere. Matthías says when you're recording or writing or creating something, you enter a bit of a manic state, start to have delusions about how awesome it is, which the characters do, only to hit a wall and realize actually that sucked. Hákon: "And then they might also get delusions about how terrible it is, because it might be neither amazing nor completely awful." Matthías: "Maybe just a little tacky."
Hákon goes over how this isn't the first time the two of them work together, having attended the Academy of the Arts together. He notes Matthías wrote Þvottur when they were in their first year, as a side project, and that was how they met. He says Matthías has a recognizable style; Matthías says "That's fun." Hákon asks if Þvottur was Matthías's first play; he says no, but it was a kind of first effort anyway, as it was the first one he directed. He also notes that Hákon helped him with that, having more experience, and others - at which Hákon brings up that Klemens helped as well, as he built the set. "Which was 'simple but clever' according to a critic," Matthías adds.
Matthías's actual first foray into playwriting was when he and a friend took part in translating-slash-adapting Gertrude Stein's "Doctor Faustus Lights the Lights". "It's a really interesting piece, very experimental, in some sense not very conventional in its textual structure. And it was really - again, a whole new world opened. Whoa, is this a play? Okay, wow." Working on this adaptation/translation with director Brynhildur Guðjónsdóttir was hugely inspiring for him. "After that process, I've really gotten into it, seeing students at the school acting out lines that Ingólfur and I had been polishing."
From there, he moved on to Ungleikur, where young people work together to write, direct and act in their own plays. He wrote three pieces for it all in all, and then Þvottur independently. He says it was really good to be able to make that connection and try this out at the Academy of the Arts.
Returning to Vloggað um ekki neitt, Hákon asks what besides his sister sparked the idea for this piece. Matthías talks about how he attended his sister's civil confirmation ceremony (the non-religious version of a Christian confirmation; confirmations are so commonplace and important in Iceland that any thirteen-year-old that simply doesn't have one would be considered weird, so there's a non-religious version done by the Icelandic Ethical Humanist Association). At the ceremony, there were a bunch of speeches by various speakers, and he thought it was really clear there how much everyone was trying to lecture them. One of the speeches was a parable about frogs. The frogs were all hopping, but then some people came and yelled insults at them. All of them immediately floundered somehow and fell out of line, except one of the frogs, and the punchline of the story was that that frog was deaf. He could just see in the faces of the thirteen-year-olds that nobody could make heads or tails of this story; it was completely irrelevant to them. He thinks this desperation to push you to succeed and not do this and that and think about your health and your mental health all just becomes noise at a certain point. He can relate to that, remembering when he was a teenager himself.
Hákon agrees that that tends to be how you experience this stuff as a teenager, and that this is also visible in the play, which includes that parable about the frogs. The play also shows a sort of exaggerated version of preventative education. Konráð and the other character, Sirrý, are trying to educate teenagers watching their vlogs ("a hopeless project when everyone's just watching PewDiePie," Matthías quips). So the characters are including a lot of hard facts about drugs, cigarettes, sleep, exercise, screen time, bullying, etc., which they're kind of aggressively trying to convey to the audience. The idea, for Matthías, was to create a character who's just spewing all that stuff and all that noise at a camera, not knowing who's even watching.
They talk about how Matthías has been appointed as one of the City Theater's two playwrights for next winter, after Vloggað um ekki neitt is done, though he expects to still attend the rehearsals ("You're not chained to the City Theater" - the National Theater and the City Theater are the two big competing theaters in Reykjavík). He also might become one of three people working on "Þjóðleikur", a project where playwrights write short plays with many characters, to be produced and performed by groups of teens around the country.
"And then Hatari gets mixed up with all this." "Yes. Hatari will be - maybe there's a performance of Vloggað um ekki neitt, and I'm there in costume, and Klemens and Einar are there, and we do a song or two and then introduce the play." (He's joking.)
As they sign off they sanitize their hands and remind everyone to keep two meters apart (Matthías is unsure if they've quite been placed two meters apart here; Hákon thinks it is two meters, but I'm with Matthías in thinking it seems like a bit less).
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AJR appreciation post
because i don’t think enough people have heard neotheater. some background, their previous album, the click, is a masterpiece in its own right, it came out when i was in college and it captured all of my college feels, not to mention the song about the office (yes, the tv show) which had me genuinely laughing aloud. but this post will focus on neotheater, because i’ve only just recently finished college and this album perfectly captures new-to-the-real-world feels.
like this album has made me cry so much and in the best ways, it’s been the biggest reassurance because i’ve been on my own for a month and a half now and hearing people that i respect articulating everything surround the fears and pain and sadness of growing up is as heartbreaking as it is comforting. i’m not the only one who is filled with doubts and uncertainty and having those feelings doesn’t make me a failure, thank goodness. thank goodness someone put that into music because now i can hear it whenever i need it.
and let me just say, this album has an odd sound. even for ajr, it’s odd. it’s extremely theatrical sounding, and that’s not so much my style of music, so at first i was iffy on it, but... it directly ties in to the meaning of the songs and the story that the album as a whole is telling. the idea of feeling as though you’re being judged and watched and that everyone has expectations for you whether you want an audience or not. it was a brave move and adds to the authenticity of the album.
so, let’s get on to more specifics!
lyrics that make me cry:
“i wanna be next up forever, find a way to never hit my peak” - next up forever (these made me cry on the first listen, because like, i know they’re talking about music, but that’s such a big mood post-college)
“you’ll sail the ocean finding where you should be. and if you’re broken, you’ll find your own thing” - next up forever. there's??? so much in these two lines??? like the idea that life is just one big search is huge, its releases so much stress surrounding the feeling that you should know where you should be as soon as you graduate. and the second part? that reassurance that you’ll figure it out, even if you don’t fit, it’s so good
“i wanna move out, i don’t wanna move on” + “i’ll come by when i’m grown, it won’t be the same though, i can’t even go home” - don’t throw out my legos. honestly the whole song just hits me hard if i’m in the mood. the profound sadness that comes with growing up and going out on your own is so well articulated in this song, and the metaphor of like. wanting to keep insignificant things around because if you do, then maybe your younger self can still stick around too. and then this idea of not having a home, i didn’t even realize it until i heard this but that’s maybe the most painful thing that i’m dealing with right now. because it takes time to make a home
“you say that i'm better, why don't i feel better? the universe works in mysterious ways, but I'm starting to think it ain't working for me. doctor, should I be good, should I be good this year?” - karma. i have so much to say about this song and i could’ve included a much longer quote here but this gets the point across. i think anyone who’s struggled with mental health can probably relate to this. and i love that it’s (imo) very clearly not dismissing counseling- they’re being honest in that counseling is not a magic solution, it takes work and sometimes it doesn’t seem to be working as well as we want it to, even if we do still see value in it. and the transition right here, at the end of the song, from the “i’ve been so good this year” to the question - should i even be good this year if it’s not making me feel better? that’s what really got me.
“dear winter, don’t move too far away.” + “will we still hang out and talk when i’m no longer in charge?” - dear winter. this song makes me cry every time i hear it no lie. apparently when ryan (the lyricist) played it for his brother for the first time, his brother also sobbed so i guess it only makes sense. but yeah this specific verse kills me a lot because this is exactly where i’m at right now. i moved too far away. i hate how painful that is for my parents. i had to do it but it still hurts every time i hear this.
“they wanted heaven from me, i gave ‘em hell. now they want something bigger, i’m overwhelmed” - finale. this lyric is preceded by 4 repetitions of the line “they wanted,” and the first two times it’s sung in a deep tone, but the third and fourth times it’s sung in a higher tone, and the singer sounds more energetic and maybe even high-strung, it’s like he’s rejecting “their” opinion. and then you get this lyric about heaven and hell and you see that he did something unexpected, he’s decided not to be “their” version of perfect and done something that “they” didn’t want, and maybe he thought he’d be free from “them” after that, but it turns out just the opposite happened.
“just don’t forget about me when you get out of college” - finale. it’s such a good double meaning. it’s playing off of them being scared that they’re music will lose popularity when their audience graduates, but it’s also like... talking to college friends. don’t forget about me. and also the world? and this is where things get complex with the idea of having an audience. on one hand the expectations are oppressive and confining, but at least someone’s watching as we grow up, but when we graduate it does feel a bit like society no longer cares about us so much. at least, it did for me. so i guess this line could have a triple meaning?
lyrics that make me laugh:
“thank you for coming to my birthday party, i am one minute old today” - birthday party. honestly, every lyric in this song makes me laugh, it’s just such a fucking hilarious song, and like, dark humor all the way??? but this specific lyric is said in such a funny way i love it. i actually can’t think of any other song that’s made me laugh so hard.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you ugly, life gives you lemons, at least it gave you something” - break my face. there’s a whole aspect of this song that’s really tongue-in-cheek. like it’s funny because they’re taking an idiom and really looking it in the eyes and being candid, like okay let’s stop sugarcoating things, what doesn’t kill you might not make you stronger but it’ll make you ugly! but then the song as a whole can totally be read as a satire on people who are so critical of anyone who complains, or those people who are always like “look on the bright side” and “why can’t you just be happy!” and anyway it’s so genius
extra notes:
100 bad days hasn't made me laugh or cry aloud but it’s still such an important song imo. “a hundred bad days made a hundred good stories, a hundred bad days made me interesting at parties, no i ain’t scared of you, no i ain’t scared of you no more” it’s such a powerful mantra to keep in mind when things get rough. idk if that last part was meant for this, but as someone with social anxiety and probably agoraphobia, it’s just been really empowering
turning out pt. ii... i don’t personally relate to this song as much as most of the others, and yet it still makes me profoundly sad. honestly i don’t like listening to it because of that? but also it kind of... doesn’t feel as clever to me as the other songs. like i could’ve written those lyrics. which is something i rarely feel about ajr songs. idk, maybe it’s better if you relate more! and i’m biased probably because of how much i loved and related tot turning out pt. i and this wasn’t what i expected.
the entertainment’s here articulates something that scares me a lot? how easy technology makes it to ignore real life, how tempting it is to just watch netflix or youtube videos or whatever. so i avoid this song a bit as well. i think it’s clever as hell, but it scares me and i’m a coward
beats: i’m just gonna say it, it’s my least favorite song on the album. the idea is funny but to me the implementation isn’t the best? it’s not that clever imo? it’s very repetitive and i think that was supposed to like, go along with the meaning of the song, of echoing and doing what others are doing for success, but for me it’s just ultimately kinda... meh.
wow, i’m not crazy: kinda like 100 bad days, hasn’t made me laugh or cry aloud but this song is really important to me. it makes me happy. the idea of finding people who are crazy in the same way you are, and how that can make you love yourself so much more. i love that.
okay yep we stop here! honestly there are more lyrics that i love but this is an essay already sooooo. yeah. i love this album.
#ajr#music#random#irrelevant#happy post#i love ajr that's all#neotheater#if you read this whole thing props#this whole unnecessary post
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Marble Hornets: Creativity through the static.
What was it that inspired you when you were younger? Was it a tv show? Perhaps a video game or even a series of books? Boundless creativity at your finger tips that led to portals that could whisk you away to different lands. To escape real life.
At the end of the 2000’s, and onto the 2010’s, there laid a piece of media that many would flock to in their time to indulge, engage, and escape through.
A simple web series called ‘Marble Hornets’.
Marble Hornets is, considered to be by the internet as an ARG, (an ARG standing for ‘Alternate Reality Game’), a web series that started on the video sharing platform Youtube. The first upload of the channel was uploaded onto the site on the twentieth of June, 2009. ‘Introduction’, a simple title for something that would grow into much more as time would go on. You never could expect the story to go down the road it did.
The contents of the story is summed up quite nicely in the first video. Jay, the main protagonist and cameraman of the series, explains that one of his old buddies from college, Alex Kralie, was trying to create a student film called ‘Marble Hornets’. His crew complained about his stress and irritability throughout the project, and Alex finally stopped production on the film due to ‘unworkable conditions’. When asked about what would happen to the tapes from production, Alex replied with two simple words; ‘Burn them’.
Throughout the series, several strange, or what could even be described as paranormal, events unfold for Jay and the rest of the cast as he goes about his journey to try and document odd things around him, wanting to know what exactly was going on with Alex after viewing the tapes. Little did he know that by doing so he would seal his fate, as well as the lives of those around him.
Marble Hornets ended on the twentieth of June, 2014, totaling in eighty-seven entries. Or one hundred and thirty-three entries if you include totheark, a separate youtube account that would respond and even sometimes hack the main Marble Hornets channel, contributing videos for the series as a whole. Though the series it self might get a little confusing at times, and it’s elements of storytelling might drag on at points, it’s still a great series to watch when times are a little tough and you need something to focus on. To dip into something out of this world and become immersed in the lore and characters.
Marble Hornets is immersive in the world it brings to the viewer, whether it be a quaint town, a lovely forest with luscious and vibrant trees, and or a strange entity that stalks those that encounter it.
Now to get into the meat and potatoes of this essay, the following topics will now be run down; the creativity of Marble Hornets, the mental illness subplot, and the macabre essence carefully sewn throughout the series as a whole.
To many fans, Marble Hornets is a wonderful piece of storytelling. It can be attributed with inspiring many people within the fan-base. Examples of this being the creation of what is known as the ‘Slenderverse’. The Slenderverse is typically described as ‘a series on the web, usually in the form of online video storytelling, that surrounds the mythos of the infamous Slenderman.’. A wildly popular set of series that took inspiration from Marble Hornets are the two video based web series ‘tribetwelve’ and ‘everymanhybrid’. And as the years pass by, more web series inspired by Marble Hornets continue to pop up.
Another creative aspect of the Marble Hornets series would be the countless fan works; from fans that dress up as the characters, to countless fanart and fanfictions. Some fanart and fanfiction tend to use the source material to create their own headcanons, or rather ideas that they have about characters in the series. While others are deconstructing the entire plot and rearranging Marble Hornets into an entirely new story.
The final point that needs to be talked about would be the visual and audio effects that the series is well known for. It’s no secret that the series didn’t have the best budget, but the crew made do with what they had and created something both wonderful and rather unsettling. From visual effects, such as static or cuts in the video feed itself, on the cameras used in production, to various distortions in audio that could make one's ears bleed.
A fun fact to note would be the use of tapes in the series. The tapes didn’t actually work on the cameras used to film. Instead, they were added in to give that ‘found footage’ staple that is unique for Marble Hornets.
Now let's get into a more ‘sensitive’ subject.
Marble Hornets has a few elements of mental illness. It deals with people who have gone through intense mental health, with their lives constantly being on the edge of danger from tapping into things that they were never meant to see with their own eyes. it’s discussed by the characters or physically shown through one's actions.
One of the major characters, Tim Wright, can be seen as one such character. He’s a clear advocate of mental illness as well as the importance of keeping your mental health in check.
Tim has suffered from intense mental health issues since his early childhood, even being sent to a hospital by his mother when things got bad. He’s constantly seen taking medication, in the form of pills, whenever his symptoms flare up. His symptoms ranging from blackouts, this is most known to be when Masky comes out, a sort of alter ego that seems to have appeared even when he was younger, especially with his bouts of anger issues and violent tendencies that was noted by doctors.
Another character that also deals with some of these symptoms is Jay, caused by prolonged exposure to the Operator. He gets gradually worse as the videos progress, and is even told by Tim to go to the doctor. When he doesn’t and continues digging deeper, Jay loses himself near the end of the series. This is something that can happen to a lot of un-medicated/untreated individuals of mental illness.
For a while now, fans have been able to see themselves through these characters. Either by actions or personality. Marble Hornets has often been used by fans as a means of comfort or even coping when dealing with their own issues.
Seeing a character deal with similar issues that the viewer has been dealing with can be something incredible, and not often seen in other forms for media nowadays, it was especially less prevalent back when Marble Hornets was still updating.
Marble Hornets is most known for it being a horror themed web series. But what kind of horror? The macabre? Something terrifying that makes one's skin crawl? Is it the endless fear of the unknown and wondering if or when you will be caught and killed?
In a way, it’s all of these things, all carefully sewn together to make the viewer want to watch more until the very end.
Various members of the series are plagued with stalkers, threats made towards them through cryptic videos as well as in-person encounters, and are always struck by the unknown. They live each day in paranoia, wondering if or when they will die. Be it from the operator, or by their own undoing.
They are paranoid about when they will be attacked next, or if they'll even survive the next attack. They are paranoid about being constantly surveyed, and fear the vulnerability that their stalkers can clearly see from them, whether it be through a camera feed or by being viewed from windows.
The static and noises that plague their dreams, the thing that stands in the corner of their eye, just there long enough to give them a fright and make them think they are going mad.
No one knows who the operator is, nor do they know its intentions. All that is known is that it wants something from the main cast of characters. Something that will cost the lives of them and others. Destruction, possibly.
The operator is perceived to be a type of entity, or even an eldritch being that stalks people. It controls people, infecting them with the urge to kill and cause mass destruction. It uses the main cast as puppets to do it’s dirty work.
Now doesn’t that sound scary? Something that can never really be proven to be real, or seen as fake by outsiders looking in, and having nowhere to turn to for help? It is scary. And that’s something that Marble Hornets does right.
To wrap this whole thing up as neatly as possible, there are many aspects of Marble Hornets that can still be discussed. The atmosphere, the story-line, even the various scenes that involved trees and forests. Marble Hornets is something so unique to the early 2010’s, something stuck in a perfect loop from 2009 to 2014 that would be very hard to replicate.
Marble Hornets is in no ways a masterpiece, it still has its faults. And that’s where the series shines the most. If it were perfect, it wouldn’t be, now would it? Countless questions still left unanswered, hearts aching at the ending of the series.
The series as a whole is a loop of unhappiness.
That’s what Marble Hornets is.
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wíckєd gαmєs (M).
genre ➙ Mafia!au: horror, angst, romance + smut — words ➙ 25.5k — pairing➙ jeon Jungkook x female reader
reupload from old account.
Playlist - spotify
Warning; Illicit narcotic use, Dom! Jungkook, public indecency, murder, dirty talk, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, oral (female receiving and male receiving), mentions of mental illness, domestic violence, reckless law-breaking behaviour, explicit language and scenes.
"It's the fifth murder this month. The victim… a young woman in her early twenty's. She, unfortunately, has been murdered in the exact same fashion as the rest of the homicide victims we've been having this month. Sliced at the vital points of her neck, with a large ‘X' carved in the centre of her chest as well as the mutilation of her body. The killer is extremely intelligent, clean and précised with his killing methods. This person knows what they are doing and are incredibly good at it. You need to pick up the pace and find a lead on this investigation (L/N) were losing too many innocent lives."
5:00 am illuminates on your digital bedside alarm clock. Your eyes droop as you frown bitterly at the realisation that you once again had a sleepless night consisting of overthinking and binge-watching crime documentaries on YouTube. The aches in your neck and back from staying in a slouched position too long makes you groan in agony. The stresses obtained from your field of work is rapidly catching up to you, as you make your start to your day by washing your face, brushing your teeth and swiping on large amounts of concealer under your eyes as you could to minimise the tiredness and exhaustion you physically felt by your visibly dark circles and eye bags. The ringing in your ears and painful swelling in your chest seems to be worsening as you blankly stare at your reflection through the fingerprint-smudged bathroom mirror in front of you.
"I am happy to you inform Miss (L/N) that the symptoms you have been experiencing these past few months are common physical aspects of a panic attack or anxiety. You also seem to have some swelling in your chest which is something I would identify as Costochondritis. " The silence is almost deafening as you gape up at the doctor in complete shock. The agony you have been feeling in your head, joints, muscles and chest were all just from anxiety? The doctor examines your test results assertively smiling down at you.
"So basically…You’re telling me that I'm not dying- just severely anxious?" You ask feeling completely hopeless at the realisation you had been overthinking about your health for absolutely nothing. “I swear that I am not a hypochondriac!”
The doctor chuckles at your outburst as he faces you while holding out your medical records. You take them from him gently and scan through the information on the sheets of paper.
"Yes. I can tell you confidently that you are in fact not dying and are experiencing the physical symptoms of anxiety." He smiles reassuringly at you.
"I-I…oh-um so like can you help me like not feel like this?-"
"-The most I can do for you is refer you to see a psychologist or prescribe you with some antidepressants medication…is there anything happening in your life that is particularly stressful and is taking up a lot of your time and energy?"
"No. I-No, not really."
"Well, just by looking at you I can see that you are mentally and physically exhausted. I would take it easy for time being and maybe take a week off from work to give your body the proper rest and relaxation it deserves. As for the Costochondritis just take some ibuprofen along with some hot and cold therapy on the muscles."
"Taking time off work is something that's just not going to happen any time soon…" You mumble to yourself quietly as you fight back tears. Your grip on your cold bathroom basin tightens until your knuckles turn white. Your fresh mascara smudging slightly under your eyes. "Oh, that's just great." Your breath hitches in your throat, as you struggle to look at your reflection in the mirror. Never, in your years of living have you ever been as stressed as you were now. The struggle of adulthood is illustrated through your whole day-to-day routine of getting little to no sleep and running on caffeinated drinks. As you fight to solve case after case. Hard work, motivation and praises are becoming repetitive as you battle with other detectives to keep your position and remain where you currently were at your agency.
You were fortunate enough to land a stable job at a detective agency which paid really well and offered you enough experience to really rank up in the field. You always had a deep passion for justice and knew you were capable of working in this field of work, even though some of the shit you've seen over the years really did fuck you up mentally. The gruesome scenes of decapitated bodies, pools of blood and rotting corpses were just some things that took a while to get used to. You had always considered yourself to be mentally and physically capable of handling the more intense cases but there were a lot of very dangerous people out there with very horrible intentions and even worse actions. Your boss Kim Namjoon is a perfectionist, who expects nothing but the best from his colleagues when responding to cases. You have learned a lot from Namjoon and considered him to be someone you looked up to and respected. However, he is also the reason for your horrible anxiety and stress.
When it came to Namjoon everything had to be sorted in perfect order, every opinion had to carry sophistication and certainty. You wake up at the butt crack of dawn to make sure you put together, researching, examining and investigating. You are not someone to kiss ass to rank up in positions. If you were going to show your worth it will be done through hard work and dedication. You were clearly overworking yourself but you needed to put in the extra effort to do your job to the best of your abilities. Although, perfection is Kim Namjoon and perfection is something you desired to obtain. To prove yourself even further you needed to find the infamous killer circling the media and your detective office. Namjoon trusted your ability as a detective to crack this case. However, never in your years of experience as a detective have you ever come across such a careful and well calculated, cold-blooded killer.
"Just by observing the way these unfortunate victims have been killed by this ruthless killer indicates that the killer has knowledge on human anatomy." Kim Namjoon points directly at the disfigured images of the murderer's victims on his pinboard. The atmosphere in the meeting room is instantly tense as your co-workers grimly peer at the images some with curiosity, horror or just pure disgust.
You inhale and exhale as you pat down your hair and lightly rub under your eyes in a pathetic attempt to clean the smudged mascara under your eyes and calm down your racing heart. "You got this (Y/N). Relax." You repeatedly chant to yourself as you glance down at your wristwatch. “Shit! I’m gonna miss my train!” You exclaim in panic as you hastily slide on your clothes before speeding off and making your way towards your station. “I can’t believe my car still getting fixed.” You grumble as you continue to power walk, just making it in time for your train.
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"Young Master Jeon welcome back! How was your trip to Dubai?" An older butler at the Jeon residence asks with politeness as he bows elegantly at the young bachelor who is twirling the keys to his custom black Koenigsegg CCXR in his right hand as his other is in his expensive black suit pants.
"Hm. Average." He spoke blankly as he watches his servants bow to him with courtesy in two perfectly straight lines stretching from both sides of his mansions front door. The servants become stiff in his presence, the atmosphere in the large mansion immediately becoming thick with dread and spitefulness. "Are you hungry Master?" An older butler questions with classiness, making the chefs straighten up and gawk at Jungkook with distress. “We just brought in beautiful fresh lobster tails imported from Japan this morning, Master.” A chef states impulsively as he takes a cautious step forward, face filled with fear. “O-Or! We have some exquisite Australian Beef! We can-” The chef falls short with his outburst as Jungkook’s expression quickly becomes sour. Jungkook peers at his servants in annoyance as he ruffles his hair in slight agitation. "No. Where's my father?" The butler nods his head in a mixture of both relief and understanding before pointing sophisticatedly towards the large flight of stairs located at the centre of the mansion. "He's at his office speaking to a potential client at the moment." Sighing with pure frustration he places both his hands on his hips. His luxury car key dangling in his left hand.
"Well when he's done, tell him I'll be going out tonight and I won't be home until early morning." Jungkook spat with arrogance while continuing to twirl his car keys in his hands, before turning around to walk up the long flight of marble stairs completely dismissing the butlers, maids and chefs that bow to him as he makes his getaway.
"As you wish Master."
With that, he is gone. As if he never arrived home in the first place. "Which car are we taking tonight JK?" Park Jimin murmurs as he slides another Laguna beach ring on his slender fingers while he smirks up at Jungkook through the pure gold embraided mirror in Jeon Jungkook's room. "I was thinking of taking out my matte black Lambo or Lykan Hypersport but we can take the Maserati GranTurismo and be more casual if you want." Jungkook murmurs as he fastens his Louie Vuitton cufflink, smirking up at Jimin as he rolls up his sleeves, outlining his muscles from underneath his white dress shirt. Jimin bites his plump lips as he hovers his delicate index finger over all twelve of Jungkook’s car keys laid out in front of him. "Hm." He hums as he sneers up at Jungkook before picking up a car key, throwing it to him. Jungkook chuckles and lifts up his right hand swiftly catching the keys with a wide grin plastered on his face.
"Lamborghini it is."
The engine roars as Jungkook starts the luxury sports car. "Live life simple". Is Jeon Jungkook's life motto, even though his life was nowhere near being simple. He taps the side of his luxury car to open the mansions garage door. Jimin is ecstatic as he quickly connects his phone to the cars Bluetooth system, before going on to snapchat quickly to film Jungkook as he does a burn out as he speeds out the driveway of his million dollar mansion. "It's going to be a good night!" Jimin shouts as he swipes through his playlist on his phone, speedily finding a song and blasting the music louder to vibrate around the luxury car. Jungkook smirks as he speeds down the street with one hand on the leather steering wheel.
It wasn't easy being the son of one of the world's most well-known and feared mafia organisations. His father ran his illegal and ruthless business for decades now. As the gang grew, so did the expectations, illegal transactions and contracts. From a young age, he has been privately tutored. His relaxation time consisted of excessive gym workouts, video games and research of other mafia organisations which could be a threat to his father and himself. Jungkook didn't know how to actually take a break. From a child he was placed under a lot of pressure from his father, there were all these expectations that he'd be the best and nothing but the best. Jungkook's father didn't believe in vacations and breaks, which resulted in Jungkook being robbed of a normal childhood, rich or not he never knew when enough was enough and always tried to improve in any area he felt he lacked in. Jungkook is perfection and there was no one who could one-up him in anything. As he grew older, the stress and pressure kept growing until he was pushed to breaking point and it takes a lot to get Jeon Jungkook to break.
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"-Jungkook I am warning you. No more fucking around. I did not raise you to be this reckless and barbaric!" His father shouts as he slams an expensive 4.7 million dollar vase against the brick wall of his office. "I am sorry father it won't happen again."
"Listen to me. You need to get your fucking priorities straight. We already have thousands of enemies after us. We can't just simply fuck up all the time. He doesn't want to pay up, the fucking bastard! Even when we have given him one of our finest bags of cocaine. Do not make a deal without the customer paying first. I don't care if he's one of our most trusted customers or not. You can’t trust anyone in this world. This is a fucking amateur mistake even for you."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sending you back to Dubai. You know what to do. I won't tell you again Jungkook." Jungkook silently swallows as his father slowly approaches him, leaving only an inch of space between them.
"Kill him. I want you to meet up with Mr Moon and fucking annihilate him"
"Yes, Father."
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After meeting his current best friends Park Jimin and Kim Taehyung in University he finally learnt how to wind down and relax. The two equivalently as rich bachelors saved Jungkook from overworking himself and taught him how to waste his time doing things that could help him relax. There were only a few ways Jungkook knew how to wind down after being put under so much stress and anxiety. The endless collection of luxury vehicles was only one of them. The other things he liked to do to pass time was through the illicit use of illegal narcotics he owns and pays people to make, while the other consisted of fucking random girls and getting excessively drunk. So drunk that he'd get the sudden urge to kill and release his frustrations from his father and his business on innocent victims he'd target throughout his night. Jungkook, unlike Jimin and Taehyung, wasn't very interested in money and material things. Jungkook was no stranger to murder and reckless drug use. He has everything…the routine gets boring. Purchasing a new car, a new watch or property. None of that gave him the rush he needed to feel alive. Nothing was more euphoric to him than a good fuck and kill. The exciting rush of adrenaline setting him off.
“Jungkook maybe you should really refrain from killing your bitches.” Yoongi huffs in annoyance as he enters Jungkook’s room, peering at the dead body from his doorway. The blood from his victim soaking his bed sheets and dripping onto the marble floor. Her naked and brutally attacked body is covered in stabbed wounds and slash marks. “It’s going to get on your carpet man.” Yoongi ruffles his hair before shoving his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket as he turns his head away in disgust. “Can’t I just do my thing without anyone questioning it Yoongi?" Jungkook retorts in agitation, as he clamps a hand over his eyes, trying to ignore the head splitting headache he felt from being hungover. "You really need to stop with these wicked games Jungkook," Yoongi says finally walking over to him, stopping once he was right in front of him. "Just hurry up and get someone to clean this fucking mess. It’s starting to smell.” Jungkook mutters in irritation as he glares at Yoongi before walking towards his bathroom completely stark naked. Yoongi peers at the scares on his body before sighing. “It’s always me doing the dirty work.”
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It was supposed to be a one-time thing. A simple release of stress and anxiety. However, it slowly became into something Jungkook just could not control. What started off as one victim, turned into two, then into three before he knew it he had lost count. He had lost count of the multiple people he has killed men and women alike. It became a pattern and something he couldn't withhold. He just needed to release his frustration in some type of way that actually works for him. It just happened to be through murdering the people he slept with on a lonely intoxicated spent night. Jungkook downs his glass of expensive champagne before using his diamond credit card without any limit on spending to line up his favourite white substance. He snorts it as the music around him blast through the speakers of Full Moon. One of the many clubs that he owns and likes to visit very frequently to release his stress.
"Hey, there handsome." A female voice speaks over the loud music playing the club and Jungkook bites down onto his bottom lip in a pathetic attempt to prevent a smile from stretching across his gorgeous lips. "Any more for me?" She pouts teasingly, before running her manicured fingers down the fine quality of his dress shirt. He narrows his eyes at her as he whips around to face her. He chuckles while taking in her appearance. Her botox lips, silicone breasts and butt injections were exceptionally recognisable as the incredibly short dress and low cut top left little to the imaginations as she leans herself closer to his masculine figure. He smirks at her obvious advances and he leans closer towards her. She definitely wasn’t worth the fuck but she’d make a pretty good kill.
"I don't know doll face I don't think you can handle this." He murmurs clasping his hands together as he rests his elbows against the fine wood of the bar booth. Her eyes glint as they wander across the expensive rings on his fingers and the Rolex clasped around his wrist. "Oh, I don't know about that handsome. Why don't you give me some and we'll see?" She bites her lip as she places a bald hand on one of his thick thighs. Jungkook laughs as he covers his mouth with one of his hands as the other taps his credit card on the counter in annoyance. "Hmm how about it beautiful?" She moans leaning closer towards Jungkook's face to place a kiss. Jungkook moves quickly before pushing her hand off his thigh, while hostilely pressing her against the counter of the bar. "You don't get to touch me or my shit okay?" She swallows nervously, before nodding her head quickly. The dark clouding in his eyes takes her breath away as he violently wraps his fingers around her neck. "Get your pathetic self out of my fucking sight before I fucking kill you." She scampers away hastily, tripping slightly in the process.
"Wow. You really know how to talk to the ladies." Jimin chuckles as he pours himself a cup of whiskey. Jungkook shrugs before putting his hands into his pocket, eyes now focusing on his friend. "Let's go to the VIP section, Taehyung's just arrived and he brought Yoongi." Jimin grins as he swirls around his alcoholic beverage eyes watching the ice clack against the fine glass before looking up at Jungkook with a smirk. Jungkook's eyes narrow as he nods, wordlessly walking in the direction of the VIP section. "There's my favourite billionaire! How are you JK?" Taehyung shouts while slinging an arm around Jungkook's shoulders. Jungkook chuckles patting Taehyung on the chest. "Blessed you in my presence like always man," Jungkook smirks before making eye contact with Yoongi as he slowly approaches the pair sluggishly. "You got the stuff?" Yoongi mutters pulling the cigarette out of his mouth and blowing smoke to the side.
Jungkook smirks as he pulls out a bag of white substance from the inside of his lavish blazer. "Always." He mutters before throwing the bag of coke to him. Yoongi catches it with a wide grin, exposing his gummy smile. "I missed you JK." He murmurs, as Jungkook winks at him in response. Jimin downs his drink as Taehyung eagerly races over to Yoongi to get some of the powdered cocaine.
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You sigh for the tenth time as you peer up at the clock hanging on the wall adjacent from you. If the time on the clock was correct, which it is, you should have left the agency to go home five hours ago. "Namjoon really needs to start paying us overtime because this is the twentieth time we've stayed back to do the paperwork and I’m serious (Y/n) I counted! I am not getting any younger. Or am I? I look pretty sexy today actually, don’t you think (Y/n)?" Your detective partner grumbles as he staples some papers together, peering down at you with a pout.
You nod while yawning not really paying attention to anything your colleague was saying to you. “You didn’t even look at me!” He whines and you hum in acknowledgement. You were too exhausted to speak, exhaling as you, read through your investigations closely. You had just been drilled by your boss Kim Namjoon about your cases and the stress of finding a lead to the recent murders makes your chest and head hurt. Massaging your temples, you glance at your empty coffee mug, contemplating for another cup of coffee to wake you up. You sigh again reaching towards the mess of papers against your desk. You start stacking them ready to turn in for the night. "Don't tell me you are still upset about what happened 4 hours ago (Y/n)? Cheer up! So Namjoon told you off? Big deal! He yells at me all the time and I'm older than him. The guy’s just like that. Don’t take it personally." Your partner tries to cheer you up as he helps you stack papers from the cases you have been investigating.
"Please just stop Jin! I can't believe we don't have any leads. I wasted another entire day at work drinking coffee and getting yelled at by Namjoon…" You whine, slouching against your computer chair as you purse your lips into a pout, looking at your partner Kim Seokjin. "You are already one of the most respected detectives at this agency. Namjoon pushes you hard because he knows you can deliver the results. You don't give yourself enough credit." Jin says moving behind to rest his hands on your shoulders. “It’s not enough Jin. I am not enough. I need to try harder.”
Jin's hands that rested on your shoulder begins massaging them. Your eyes roll back in ecstasy as you feel your tense muscles begin to loosen. Jin rolls his eyes before sighing. "You know what. When was the last time you got a massage? You are way too tense! Why don't we go out? Just like to go and grab a couple of drinks? I mean it's Friday night you could obviously use a well-deserved break you work-acholic!" Jin exclaims releasing your shoulders as he starts impulsively packing away your things into your handbag. "Woah Jin what are you-"
"Come on get yo prude ass up. We're going out." He pulls you off your chair and onto your feet as he pats you down, from your crinkled blouse to your pencil skirt. "Lucky you got heels on tonight! You look great, there's a club/bar close to our agency were going to go to let off some steam. You really could use a couple of drinks. As your loyal detective partner and friend, I am not going to let you suffer like this. Your way too young to be looking like this. Where's your youth gone?" He complains as he places your handbag on your shoulder, before grabbing your car keys. "Wait, seriously Jin I don't really feel like-"
"Shut up! Stop protesting! Admit it you want to drink." Jin ushers you out of the agency before turning off the lights and looking up the door. "I-I…okay." You murmur, rolling your eyes as Jin winks at you, shooting finger guns. "Which club are we going to anyway?" You ask taking your hair out of the ponytail you previously had it in.
"Full Moon," Jin mumbles as motions you to follow him. He stuffs his hands into his pockets as he begins walking in the direction of the club. "Full Moon?" You say raising an eyebrow up at him in confusion. "Yeah. Full Moon. You haven't you heard of it?" He questions with wide eyes. "N-No…" You mutter slightly embarrassed. Jin peers at you questionably and you finally break. "Okay fine. Yes. I haven't heard of it. Sue me." Jin chuckles and pats you on the shoulder reassuringly. "It's fine. The club is extremely popular though. Apparently, some good-looking rich guy owns it. I know it's expensive. That famous actor Kim Taehyung goes there a lot and he's friends with the owner."
"Really!? Kim Taehyung. That's crazy." You exclaim at the shocking news of someone so famous going to the same club you were about to go to. "Wait Jin I-I is it going to be expensive because if it is I am still paying off car repairs and-"
"I got you (Y/N). Don't even worry about trivial things such as money." He reassures you with such a gleaming smile it was impossible to refuse him. "Okay, money is not trivial. It is what makes the world go around but…thank you so much, Jin." Your smile widens as he gives you a dopey look. "It's nothing, but you owe me a coffee on Monday." You laugh at that last comment before nodding up at him. "We've been friends for so long now. I mean you are dating my best friend." Jin chuckles at the mention of his girlfriend who happens to be one of the most precious people in your life. "Yeah, that's true. I don't think she's busy tonight I already invited her…she should be meeting us there." Jin says checking the messages on his phone. "You are so whipped for her."
"You know it." He winks at you before you both burst out laughing. "(Y/N)! Your best friend shouts as she wraps her arms around you. "Oh, you fucking scared me!" You both laughed as Jin wraps his arms around her from behind. “You look amazing baby!” Jin compliments her before giving her a chaste kiss on the lips. You avert your gaze from the couple pretending to puke. She laughs before slapping your arm playfully. “Don’t look at me like that! You just need to get laid.” She says pocking her tongue out at you. “Shut up you little thot.” You say bitterly, causing Jin to laugh embarrassingly loud. "Woah, so this is the club?" Your best friend exclaims as she stares at the club with her mouth wide open in shock. Your eyes widened dumbfounded at the long queue of ridiculously rich looking people waiting in line outside. The club is buzzing and bustling loud with paparazzi in all directions trying to take pictures and sneak their way get in. "oh this is the club and It's busy alright," Jin mutters as he ushers both you and your best friend into the queue of people. "Must be some famous people in there if there is paparazzi clowning around right outside." Your best friend whispers in your ear and you nod back at her. "Jin told me that a Kim Taehyung comes here a lot."
"Really!? The actor?" Your best friend exclaims peering into the club through a window. "Gosh, I hate how these windows are tinted we can't see anything inside." Jin groans trying to peer through the window. Your best friend laughs before slapping her boyfriend on the arm lightly. "Hey stop! People from the inside can see you even though you can't see them." You all chuckle at that. Jin doing his famous window wiper laugh. “We are going to be waiting out here all night and this rate.” You utter dejectedly. Jin opens his mouth to retort to your comment only to be interrupted by a girl waiting at the front. "Oh hey someone's coming out!" The random girl in front of you shrieks as she notices the slender handsome guy exiting through the front door of the club to whisper something to the bouncer at the front that you assume must be urgent from the stern look on his face. Your eyes widened in amazement at the realisation that this particular person was extremely good-looking. “Wow.” Your best friend whispers in your ear before nudging you. Without looking at her you nod, completely agreeing, as the girls around you guys start to scream and shout as they shower the said person with compliments and random praises.
"Park Jimin!!!!!!!" Girls, nearby you start to scream as he waves at them humbly, totally dismissing their chaotic behaviour. Jimin is unfazed by the attention he is receiving, the radiant smile on his face never faltering once. “Park Jimin?” You repeat as your eyes stay glued on him. He is stunning and has this unexplainable glow to him. You are mesmerised by the mere sight of him.
"Woah really Park Jimin!?" Jin shouts staring at the attractive boy with wide eyes. "What is It Jin?" Your best friend asks resting her hand on his shoulder, as she peers at Jimin curiously. Jin doesn't take his eyes off Jimin as he stares at him with his mouth slightly agape. Jimin continues giving his attention to the girls surrounding the club. The paparazzi camera flashes almost blinded you, as people begin to eagerly take videos and photos of Jimin. While he was giving the girls a bit of fan service, Jimin notices Jin and instantly his own eyes begin to widen once he realises who he’s looking at.
"Is that you Jin?" He questions ushering him to come closer. You and your best friend instantly stiffen at the sudden wave of attention brought to your group. The long queue instantly parts in the middle making you both a pathway to walk through. "Okay, why the fuck is Park Jimin motioning you to go over to him? And who the fuck is he?" Your best friend harshly whispers to Jin. Jin laughs nervously avoiding the question before ushering you both to the front of the queue.
Once you all started getting closer to Jimin, his eyes began to sparkle as he stares at Jin fondly. "Seokjin! It is you! It has been ages man how are you?" Jimin is ecstatic as he wraps Jin into a long heartfelt embrace. "It has been so long, I haven't seen you since College." At the mention of college, you and your best friend begin to relax knowing that Seokjin comes from a wealthy family and studied abroad at an expensive elite University which is probably how he knows someone as famous as Jimin.
"Congratulations on expanding your business. I heard you opened a lot of new hotels globally." Jin mentions, making Jimin flustered as he runs his fingers through his hair. You watch him feeling a blush of your own brush against your cheeks. He was so gorgeous that you suddenly felt your social anxiety eating away at your heart. Your best friend wraps a hand around your trembling ones in an attempt to relax you. You tighten your grips on her hands without taking your gaze off Jimin.
Jimin notices your gaze and peers at you intently with a hint of cockiness soothing out of him. He clearly knew he was attractive. His eyes widen for a split-second before relaxing when you force a smile at him. A playful glint appears in his eyes as he stares at you for a few seconds too long. "Aren't you going to introduce me to these lovely ladies Jin?" Jimin playfully says curtly while tilting his head to the side slowly. His eyes wandering down your body to scan you from head to toe. If you weren't red before you were definitely red now. "Oh yes, of course, this is (B/F/N) my girlfriend and this is her best friend and my work colleague (Y/N)." Jin introduces you both to Jimin and Jimin smiles at you both dreamily, before shaking hands with your best friend. "Nice to meet you! Any friend of Jin's is a friend of mine." Your best friend says smiling up at Jimin who returns her smile sweetly. "You got yourself a keeper Jin, she suits you." Jin smiles at her tenderly, placing a kiss to her temples while wrapping an arm around her waist. "Yeah. I think so too. Glad you agree." Jimin smiles at Jin before shifting his eyes over to you. You jump slightly the moment your eyes meet and he's moving closer to you quickly. You feel yourself become weak as he grasps onto your hand gently. He comfortingly rubs his thumbs against the back of your as his hold tightens. "Nice to meet you (Y/N)" He slowly lifts your palm towards his soft lips. Your breath hitches in your throat as he teasingly winks before placing a soft kiss at the palm of your hand.
You feel the heat of envy from the girls around you as they glare at you. You pull your hand out of Jimin's hold quickly before forcing another tight smile at him up at him in response. "Nice to meet you too Jimin," Jimin smirks before placing a hand at your lower back, forcing you to turn and face the entrance of the club. He escorts you all towards the door. "We can talk inside." He says simply Jin nods in delight, while your best friend smirks at you cheekily. You shyly avert your gaze away from Jimin knowing he staring right at you "Stop." Your mouth to her in embarrassment as she snickers in response. "Thanks for getting us in man," Jin says rubbing Jimin on the shoulders. "Anything for fabulous Kim Seokjin." Jimin chuckles before facing the bouncer. "These guys are with me," Jimin says simply to the bouncer who nods in response. "Whatever you say, Boss."
You all happily enter the club and Jimin escorts you to the bar. "If it wasn't for you we would have been waiting outside forever." Your best friend chuckles as she beams up at Jimin. "Oh, its nothing don't even mention it." Jimin smoothly says while returning her smile politely. "So is it you who owns this club?" Jin asks as Jimin waves over the bartender. The bartender sophisticatedly picks up an expensive bottle of champagne before placing the alcoholic beverage in front of Jimin as well as fine glass cups. "Nah this club actually belongs to Jungkook," Jimin says unbothered and Jin immediately stiffens at the mention of Jungkook's name. "Jungkook huh," Jin says slowly while laughing awkwardly, you and your best friend immediately peer up at him in confusion and he glances at you both in slight agitation as he loosens his tie in an attempt to get you both to not ask. Jimin is oblivious to the sudden awkward tension has he opens an expensive bottle of Champagne that you knew probably costed more than your whole annual salary.
"Woah. Look at the bottle" Your best friend mutters as you all stare at the bottle wide-eyed. Jimin hands Jin and his girlfriend a glass before giving you a glass. His fingers slyly brush against yours and you stiffen in response as he winks at you. "Cheers to finally reuniting!" Jimin says placing his cup in front of the three to clack together. "Bottoms up!"
You all down your glasses. You were slower than the rest in an attempt to savour the expensive taste, thinking you will never be able to have this kind of champagne again. “We’re at the VIP Booth.” He says nonchalantly pointing to the back of the club. “You all should come and join us,” Jimin says after downing his champagne glass. “I’ll just have to let Jungkook know I’m bringing you guys in there because he gets a bit iffy with this sort of stuff. Just wait here I’ll be back in a flash. Don’t miss me too much.” Jimin says winking at you before rushing away ignoring the panicked expression on Jin’s face.
“So who’s Jungkook? And why’d you totally freak out and stiffen up like that?” Your best friend asks as she averts her gaze from Jimin’s back to Jin’s conflicted face. Jin looks at both your curious faces and sighs in defeat. “Let’s just say the kid’s got some problems,” Jin says trying to get you both to drop the question completely.
“What kind of problems Jin?” You asked raising an eyebrow at him curiously. Your best friend nods, folding her arms as she raises an eyebrow up at Jin. He shakes his head while massaging his temples. “It’s kind of complicated-“
“What kind of problems Jin?” Your best friend raises her voice as she cuts of Jin, looking at him irritably. Jin’s eyes begin to scan the room as he fidgets nervously, palm rubbing the back of his neck as he thinks his words over. “Like the mafia, breaking the law, drug selling kind of problems…”
You and your best friend stare up at Jin shocked and he bites his lip in response. “Are you being serious?” Your best friend exclaims. “-Um. Maybe we should go home.” Jin says ruffling his hair as he falls deep in thought while staring in the direction that Jimin took off in, trying to avoid any more questions being asked. “No. We just got here. We can’t just go home.” Your best friend says touching Jin on the shoulder gently. “Why?” You ask in concern. “Look, whatever happens, tonight. Jeon Jungkook can absolutely not find out were detectives.” Jin exclaims looking genuinely stressed out. Never in your many years of knowing and working with Jin have you ever seen look this concerned. He was always so carefree and relaxed even when dealing with the intense cases back at the detective agency. Why was he so concerned about a random club owner? When he deals with way worse on the daily. “Why can’t he find out were detectives?” Your best friend asks running her hand up and down Jin’s arm soothingly, looking sincerely concerned about his behaviour.
“Because if Jeon Jungkook finds out were detectives we are all going to fucking die tonight.”
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“Father…”
"Yes, Jungkook?" He looks at Jungkook through his glasses as he pauses counting the piles of money stacked up on his desk. "What do you want? I'm really busy here." He asks running out of patience as he waits for young Jungkook to answer.
"When…you hold a knife to someone's throat…how easy is it for them to die?"
The silence is almost ear-splitting as he peers at his son with curious eyes. "Why do you want to know?" He asks taking off his glasses, placing them gently on the side of his desk as he leans back on his chair while crossing his arms. "I just-"
"Listen to me carefully Jungkook…If you want to play with knives you need to learn how to use them correctly. Slicing someone's throat is typically done for the effect. If the victims not alone, the sound will make their colleagues shit themselves. It's scary as it is. I mean, coming up to your victim from behind with the sharp knife in your hand, cupping a hand over their mouth, slicing across their neck, watching the pools of blood squirt out. However, if you really want to kill them it would be better to stab them, puncture the trachea, oesophagus and of course the carotid arteries and jugular veins. It really shows how easy it is to take a life. It's truly intriguing."
"Earth to Jungkook." Taehyung chuckles distastefully loud before flicking Jungkook on the forehead lightly. Jungkook's bloodshot eyes avert from the random wall he was staring at as he was lost in thought to Kim Taehyung. He stares back at him in a daze as the effects of the drugs begin to take place. "Man, you were like deep in thought, what the fuck were you thinking about?" Jungkook's mouth stretches up in the corner as he forces a smile at his friend. "Some dark shit Taehyung, you really wanna know?"
"Nah, I'll pass we all know how fucked up you are." He laughs pouring himself some more expensive liquor. "Pass me your cup," Jungkook smirks, sitting up before placing his glass in front of Taehyung. Taehyung smirks back at Jungkook before pouring his drink even fuller than he poured his own. "Yeah fill it any further it's going to overflow.” Jungkook laughs in disbelief as he peers at his cup intrigued by Taehyung's inattentive actions. "Hey, Hoseok!" Yoongi exclaims as he walks into the VIP room with style. "Long time no see guys." He says before leisurely taking a seat next to Yoongi. "Want a drink Hobi?" Taehyung teases as he wriggles the expensive bottle of champagne in his hand. "You never play fair Tae." Yoongi chuckles as he puts out his cigarette in the ashtray next to him. "You know me." He says shrugging, the smile on face growing as he peers back at Jungkook who was side-eyeing him. "Yeah pour me some," Hoseok says as he takes the cigarette offered to him by Yoongi, placing it between his teeth and lighting it with a pure gold lighter. "Aw, Yoongi there might not be any left for you." Taehyung chuckles pouring as a pours a glass for Hoseok. "I swear you have a death wish Tae-"
"Hey, Jungkook!" Jimin exclaims as he walks into the VIP booth, the three studs look at him simultaneously. "Yeah?" Jungkook murmurs, bringing the cup of liquor Taehyung poured him up to his lips. "You won't believe who I just bumped into-"
"Before that, did you tell the bouncer to not let that group of the Italian mafia in." Jungkook cuts him off after downing his drink. "Yeah it's all sorted, you won't be seeing them ever again," Jimin smirks crossing his arms, as he peers down at Jungkook. "Good." He mutters, motioning for him to continue with what he was going to say before he got interrupted.
"Listen I bumped into Kim Seokjin." Jungkook's eyes widen slightly. "I haven't heard that name in a while," Jungkook mutters smirking at Jimin. "Yeah, he's here with his girlfriend and her friend can they enter the VIP booth?" Jimin asks Jungkook smiling, Jungkook stares at him blankly before nodding his head. "Yeah, it is cool. I don't see why not."
"Are the chicks he's with hot?" Taehyung exclaims before Jimin could exit the booth. Jimin halts in his tracks before turning his head to the side to face him with a smirk.
"Smoking."
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You take some time to process Jin's words. The night you finally had to relax suddenly had done a complete 180. You can tell that Jin is both physically and mentally freaking out. Even though he is usually the really calm one which makes you and your best friend especially nervous. Jin runs his fingers through his hair as he takes in a few deep breaths.
"Okay but w-what do you mean by ‘kill' us?" Your best friend says as she stares at Jin in complete disbelief, her eyes slimming slightly. Your heart starts hammering in the chest through the anticipation and anxiety of finding out what Seokjin had to say.
"Kill as in peu peu! Stab stab! Bye bye! THAT KIND OF KILL!" Jin says mockingly as he waves his arms up and down in exaggeration. You and your best friend roll your eyes at his behaviour before she slaps him on the arm. "Ow!"
"Jin can you be serious! Do you have some beef with this guy that we don’t know about?" You say glaring up at him while pacing on your hands on your hips. "Yeah like seriously, we need you to explain this. You can’t just say that shit and leave us hanging. Who exactly is Jungkook and why would he want to kill us?" Your best friend says leaning in closer towards Jin, you mimic her actions as Jin motions you both to come to close. Jin looks around him to make sure no one is listening before leaning back down closer to the both of you.
"Think about it this way, were in enemy territory right now. Jungkook owns this club, he has people working for him everywhere in this club. We are the seals in shark territory. Jungkook isn't just some lousy ass back alley drug dealer, his father is this fucking crazy, merciless serial killer and he is exceptionally rich and powerful! The Jeon family has ruined lives, not just kill people and get away with it but ruin lives. If he finds out were detectives there's no doubt in my mind that he'll kill us right on the spot. He doesn't care, he's fucking crazy. In college one guy copied a sentence from his essay and we literally never saw him again. He is pure evil and bad news. We don't fuck with someone like him. I've literally only have spoken to him a few times in my life and that was enough to give me nightmares."
You both feel shivers run down your spines as the frightening new information swims through your mind almost making you dizzy. "We can't enjoy ourselves tonight if we're constantly on edge. Maybe we should just get out of here and fast." Your best friend says grabbing onto both Jin and your hand. "Sorry I took a while! I'm glad you guys are still here." Jimin exclaims from behind the three of you making you all jump in fear and shock. "Going somewhere?" He says smirking up at the three of you. You hold your breath as Jin forces a laugh to break the awkward tension. "No! No way! Not at all!" Jin exclaims, patting Jimin on the arm gently. Jimin stares up at Jin in suspicion. His sudden change of persona has you all on edge.
"Good! Now, what liquor do you guys drink I'll have the bartender bring it over to our booth." Jimin suddenly exclaims, his face lighting up with a bright smile. His quick change of character leaves you all baffled as he scans over the expensive liquor lined up at the bar. “Well? What do you guys wanna sip?” Jimin chuckles, smiling kindly. You mentally panic knowing absolutely nothing about normal liquor than again expensive liquor! The two of you are speechless as Jin remains cool as a cucumber smiling back at Jimin. You start internally panicking because of the silence coming from the three of you before your best friend decides to nudge Jin hard in the ribs. Jin groans before covering up his pain by leaning against the counter. "We'll just drink whatever your having were not too picky with alcohol." He smiles at Jimin forcefully, before side-eyeing his girlfriend.
"Oh Okay, that's absolutely fine. We got some of the finest liquor over at the VIP section anyway. Please follow me." Jimin says maintaining eye contact with Jin and his girlfriend before subtly winking at you. You flush at his obvious flirtatious advances before sluggishly following him from behind Jin and Your best friend. The three of you are tense because of the terrifying new information that was given to you by Jin. You felt nauseous as the walk to the VIP booth seemed to be taking forever. You and best friend glance at each other with a tight smile. Everything will be okay we just have to make sure Jungkook doesn't find out what our field of work is. You mentally remind yourself as you try to calm down your concerns.
As the three of you get closer to the VIP section you start to smell marijuana. The smell is strong as it mixes with the expensive colognes being worn by the four people inside. Jimin ushers the three of you inside the booth when you all just stop simultaneously at the entrance. Jin is first to make eye contact with Taehyung and Hoseok as your best friend makes eyes with Yoongi. Your heart pounds against your rib cage as the boy with dark hair and eyes holds your gaze.
Your eyes widen in astonishment, your mouth falling slight agape as you take in the appearance of the person you assume is the infamous Jeon Jungkook. Your hands begin to shake as your cheeks are flushing a deep shade of red at the perfection in front of you. Jungkook eyes cut deep into your soul, your palms begin to sweat. He was beautiful. He had the rich person vibe about him, along with something that couldn't really put your finger on. His eyes wander from your face to the rest of your body and you instantly feel exposed to his greedy eyes. He watches you closely and precisely. As if he was absorbing all of your information out of you. He was intimidating and conceited from the way he presented himself as he chews onto his bottom lip. Tugging the flesh erotically as he maintains eye contact with you. How could someone this breathtakingly beautiful be so bad?
Playing with the expensive rings on his fingers, he stares at you with a new kind of glint in onyx dark his eyes. "Seokjin…I am so glad we could meet again," Jungkook says standing up slowly from the expensive leather couch he was sitting on. You peer up at him as he stands, his intense gaze never leaving your own. Jin clears his throat as he stares back and forth between you and Jungkook before walking forward timidly to shake hands with Jungkook. "Nice to see you again Jungkook. Looks like you're doing well Man. This club is amazing."
"You flatter me," Jungkook says smirking at you while he’s shaking hands with Jin. You stare back at him nervously tugging onto the flesh of your bottom lip. Jin once again notices Jungkook’s set gaze on you and peers between the both of you with searching eyes. “How long has this club been open? I’ve heard you had it renovated a few times.” Jin says trying to capture Jungkook’s attention to give you some space to breathe. You can tell that Jin is tense by the way he's tightening his jaw. As soon as Jungkook seems distracted you exhale abruptly finally releasing the breath you didn’t know you were holding. You observe Jungkook’s whole luxurious attire while he converses politely with Jin. “Yes – Actually this place has been renovated about…” His voice drifts away as you scan the black blazer that was imbraided with an expensive designer label, the white dress shirt was unbuttoned at the top revealing his collar bones and white gold neck, a designer belt holding up his black tight fitted suit pants and expensive black leather shoes. He was definitely rich and by the way, he acted, you knew he was someone that always gets what he wants.
“(Y/N)?”
The voice whispering in your ear breaks you out of your trance and you turn your head to the side to be greeted with your best friends worried expression. “Are you okay? You’re practically drooling.” She says it harshly as if it was obvious and your cheeks quickly set ablaze in complete embarrassment. “Was I that obvious?” You whisper back in panic as she nods her head you groan quietly.
"You weren't lying about bringing up some hotties weren’t you Jimin?" Taehyung murmurs as he winks at both you and your best friend. Your best friend quickly holds hands with Jin in response, the action coming to her naturally as Jin tightens his hold on her hand. You dismiss his comment, too invested in Jungkook and the way his eyes crinkle on the side when he smiles and the cute little mole under his lip. He was like something out of a movie. You never ever expected the bloodcurdling and merciless Jeon Jungkook to look like this.
"Talking to yourself now Taehyung? I knew you were fucked but not that fucked" Yoongi sneers as Taehyung glare at him in response. "Shut the fuck up Yoongi." Taehyung spat in annoyance. "Oi the DJ is playing that whack shit. Tell him to change the song." Hoseok mumbles to Jimin as he blows out smoke from his mouth, ignoring you, Seokjin and your best friend altogether. "No, you tell him! I told him last time - " Jimin retorts defensively before being cut off by Jungkook.
"-care to Introduce me to your friends Seokjin," Jungkook says as his sharp dark eyes fall on to you. You swallow the built up saliva salivating in your mouth as he smoothly unbuttons a button on his blazer before shrugging off it off completely. He has you captivated, his smile tugging on the side cockily as he is rolling up his sleeves and you almost choke on your drool at the sight of his muscle and tattoos hiding from underneath his tight fitted white collared dress shirt. "Right. Well, this beautiful girl right here is my girlfriend (B/F/N) and this is our good friend and work colleague (Y/N)."
"(Y/N)?" Jungkook says smirking, your eyes widened as he says your name smoothly, the rush of emotions sending you on an emotional high as he motions you to come to the vacant spot next to him. He eyes leave you momentarily to nod at your best friend in acknowledgement before he's gazing back at you cuttingly. "What would you like to drink?" He asks with barely any emotion visible on his handsome face. "Ah- we're not picky, that champagne will do," Jin says to Jungkook swiftly as he patted you gently on the shoulder. "Excellent," Jungkook says impassively before gesturing you to come closer to him. “Come.” He orders making you weak in the knees. You gulp nervously before walking over to the spot next to him. While you were debating what to do in your head, you decide to place yourself next to him on a whim. “(Y/n)-“ Jin and your best friend mutter strictly as they stare at you in complete disbelief as you make yourself comfortable next to him. You keep your gaze locked on Jungkook as he outstretches his hand towards you. You place your hand into his and he immediately notices you trembling. He a ghostly smirk appears on his face slyly as he notices the effect he had on you.
“What would you like to drink lovely (Y/n)?” Jungkook asks with the slight smirk stretching even wider on his lips as he releases your hand slowly while he motions you to take a seat next to him. "Surprise me." You say while forcing yourself to remain calm even though you were completely freaking out on the inside. He observes you closely which makes you anxious. He knows all the emotions you were discreetly trying to suppress.
Jungkook continues to stare at you attentively before grinning at your response. Jimin and Yoongi watch you in amusement as Taehyung chuckles at your curt reply. "I'd be careful if I was you.” Hoseok chuckles nonchalantly finally acknowledging you. “Jungkook has a tendency of taking things to the next level. Don't challenge him." Yoongi murmurs resting his chin against the palm of his hand with a wide grin plastered on his face as he watches Jungkook with curious eyes instantly recognising his friend's interest in you. "I'll get you only the finest," Jungkook says eyes detecting your nervous behaviour. You watch him cautiously and he looks at you with such desire held in his gaze that you are refraining yourself from running away at the discomposure and the lust that was salivating in your mouth for him. It was torture trying not to drool and ogle at the bachelor when he was just so delicious to look at in the first place.
"So, what do you do for a living now Jin?" Taehyung asks out of blue, his interest leaving you and Jungkook to instead interrogate Jin. You jump at the question subtly. Jin and Your best friend look at each other in almost recognisable panic as the question you all feared being asked came up sooner than you all anticipated. You clear your throat, feeling yourself get frightened at the question being asked so early into the introductions that you are fervently trying to come up with a lie. "We work for a writing company. We're publishers. We had so much paperwork today we thought we could use a break and grab a couple of drinks." Jin intervenes in a hurry with something you thought was not believable but ended up not being picked up by Jungkook or his friends. You were all wearing office clothing which made sense. Jimin hands you a cup of champagne with a cherry in the bottom of it. You thank him quietly before taking slow slips of the bubbly alcoholic beverage. Jimin smiles at you fondly before proceeding to pore everyone else a drink.
"Kim Seokjin, son of one of the most successful and richest surgeons in the world is working at a publishing company," Taehyung exclaims questionably raising an eyebrow at Jin. Jin clears his throat before nodding. "Yeah…I chose to do something different from my father." He says forcing a smile at Taehyung. Yoongi and Hoseok nod their head in a supportive manner at Jin’s response. “I thought you were going to become a doctor like the rest of your family. It’s so you to do something completely different though. Good luck with everything man.” Taehyung says raising his glass to Jin as he slouches on the couch he was sitting on. “Yeah, thanks Tae. Good luck with acting.” Jin beams at him, mimicking his actions of raising his glass in praise.
Jungkook watches you diligently as you watch the pair converse stiffly. “You have all worked hard. It’s time for you all to relax and enjoy yourselves.” Jungkook says as he accepts the champagne handed to him by Jimin with a slight nod of acknowledgement. Every movement he made screamed class and you were living for all of it. “That doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.” Yoongi jokes picking up his own glass placed in front of him. "Cheers," Taehyung exclaims as you all clank your glasses together. “To another night of endless drinking and bad decisions!” Hoseok suddenly adds, lightening the mood. You all glance at one another smiling and laughing before bringing your glasses to your lips, your eyes meet Jungkook’s again and you almost choke on your drink at the quick subtle wink sent your way.
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It was an amateurish mistake getting drunk in front of famous and from what you heard ruthless millionaires or billionaires, you didn’t know nor did you really care. You just knew they were famous and educated bachelors from rich families that really liked to spend their money and spent a lot of their time doing stupid and illegal shit. From what started off as a tense and almost death binding situation became a rather enjoyable and interesting environment as Jungkook poured you drink after drink. Jin and his girlfriend ended up getting lost into a card game against Taehyung, Yoongi, Hoseok and Jimin. While you became undeniably drunk off the expensive champagne Jungkook was pouring you and off of Jungkook himself. It wasn't just the drinks that you got you tipsy it was the way he smiles, touched and kissed you.
Only a few people can kiss a dangerous mafia member and live to tell the tale. Jungkook’s touches set your skin ablaze as he runs his tongue around your parted lips. You wanted to have him to yourself at that very moment and no one could convince you otherwise. Your grip on his blazer tightens as sees how much you want him with his onyx eyes. He cockily presses you impossibly closer against him. You release a shaky sigh at the feeling of his masculine physique that he was hiding under his clothes. You glance down at his chest, spotting tattoos hidden underneath his white faintly transparent dress shirt. There was no doubt in Jungkook's mind that you were his next motivation. He had to claim you tonight. He had to be the one to leave marks on your gorgeous skin and possibly if he felt like the part killing you.
It was a blur…how Jungkook ended up tongue deep into your mouth, ring covered cool fingers caressing your exposed thigh, as he pulls you impossibly close to his body causing goose bumps to appear on your skin and a shudder run down your spine. You drown in his scent and touch. It was electrifying. You were drowning in the scent of expensive cologne and the silky feeling of his lavish fabric. He pulls you flush against him, your hands running through his silky locks, he detaches himself from your lips temporarily to run sloppy kisses along the side of jaw and neck. A silent moan escapes past your lips and it was game over. Jungkook bites down onto your earlobe, making you automatically grip onto his shoulder tightly in response. You are breathing heavily against him as he swirls his sinful tongue around the side of your neck and the skin just behind your ear. "J-Jungkook." You weren't this type of person. The type to kiss a stranger you had just met in a club. The type to get so drunk you couldn't think or walk straight. The type to want to someone to claim you right in the middle of people filled VIP room. Jungkook was exhilarating in everything that he did to your body. The fear of him being a dangerous gang member leaving your thoughts the moment he touched you and laid eyes on you.
“Have you ever seen a matte black Lamborghini before baby?” He whispers in your ear and you shake your head ‘No.’ While biting onto your bottom lip in a pathetic attempt to hold back your erotic moans from escaping. “Do you wanna fuck in one?" Your eyes widened in shock, as he moves his hand to cup your heat. You glance at the people in the room with you completely stunned and horrified by what he was doing to you in a room full of people. The others are completely immersed in their card game that they have completely dismissed both you and Jungkook’s presence. You stiffen up as Jungkook, slides your underwear to the side without anyone noticing. Panting heavily against him, you grasp in hand in a pathetic attempt to still him which becomes futile after working magic against your sensitive nub. "Wait there's people-ah!" You tremble against him as he works you past the breaking point. "Do you wanna fuck in one or not babe? Just so you know I won’t be taking no for an answer." Jungkook growls as he sucks onto the side of your neck. "I might just have to pick you up and take you against your will." He groans as he rubs against you at a harder and faster pace than he was working you before. "W-Why bother asking me t-then?” You pant and moan as Jungkook teasingly kisses you on the side of your mouth, making you release another wanton moan. "What was that sweetheart? I couldn't hear past your sexy moans?" He teasingly whispers against your neck, making a shiver run down your spine. He smirks before biting your neck. “J-Just,” His teeth gently tugging on the skin with his teeth. "Show me your fucking car."
“Right this way, Princess.”
Jungkook wraps his large hand around your frail trembling one. “I’m not afraid anymore. I want this. I want him.” You chant in your head as Jungkook leans in for another passionate kiss against your now swollen lips. You kiss him back eagerly and without a second thought and Jungkook pulls you swiftly back up to your feet. You both continue to kiss and Jungkook begins to walk you backwards until your back makes contact with a wall in the booth. The cool wall against your warm skin makes you shiver and Jungkook admires your trembling with penetrating dark hooded eyes. You feel fire burn in your stomach as his large greedy hands grope your ass. “You…are… so fucking… addicting.” He harshly whispers between kisses and you smile against his lips. Feeling more self-confident than before. It must be the expensive liquor he was compelling you to consume. “You are not so bad yourself.” You whisper, breaking the intoxicating kiss to look him square in the eyes. Jungkook feels his heart pound against his chest as you adorably smile up at him.
“You’re fascinating you know that?” He unconsciously smiles back down at you with genuine appreciation. He hasn’t felt so content in having someone against him the way you are with him now. He feels adoration for you swell up in his cold heart, filling it with a new sense of warmth he has never felt before. Your heart hammers in your chest as you wrap your arms around his neck. “No. not really but there is one thing I know for sure right now and it’s that I want you so…so fucking bad.” You mutter quietly before pressing your lips firmly against his lips once again. You were never this bold. Never. It must have been the alcohol talking and dangerously revealing your hidden desires. Jungkook is the one this time to form a satisfied smile against your lips as his hands move up from your butt to grip your hips tightly instead. Your anxiety wasn’t there to ruin your night for the first time in a long time and you feel yourself craving him more and more.
Jimin watches the two of you silently from the corner of his eyes with a slight twinge of jealousy. Taehyung, Yoongi, Jin, Hoseok and your best friend are too caught up in their card game to notice what was escalating between you and Jungkook. Jimin, however, was watching the entire thing. Jimin silently averts his gaze back to the game but from the corner of his eye again, he sees Jungkook eagerly pulling you out of the room. “Come on it’s your turn chim chim! Stop getting distracted!” Taehyung exclaims clearly intoxicated and without saying anything Jimin focuses back to his game. “You okay? You look kind of out of it.” Yoongi whispers leaning towards Jimin. "Couldn't be better," Jimin assures him as he glances down at the cards sprawled out in his hands. “H-Hey w-where is…where’s…” Jin murmurs without anyone really noticing or paying attention.
“Where’s (Y/n)?”
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With every step, you both take, you felt fire ignite in your belly. The hungry and jealous stares being directed your way which would normally make you feel self-conscious and intimidated made you feel empowered instead. Bodies grind on you as you and Jungkook try to squeeze out of the busy and jam-packed club. You ignore the endless murmurs and glares sent your way and Jungkook turns back to glance at you. When your eyes meet, your heart accelerates at the adrenaline of emotions swerving through your veins. His hands tighten and you feel oddly safe at that very moment. The anticipation of what was going to happen once you both leave Full Moon made you nervous. Jungkook raises an eyebrow at you before tugging his lip into a breathtakingly beautiful smile. You could care less about the jealous and nosy people around you. All you wanted was to be with Jungkook. Jungkook smirks down at you sexily before lowering his head to whisper into your ear.
“I can’t wait to leave this place and get my fucking hands on you. You have no idea how good I’m going to please you tonight baby girl.”
You bite back another lewd moaning from escaping past your swollen lips as you grip onto Jungkook’s shoulder roughly. “Jungkook please don’t stop!” You cry out in ecstasy as he slides his rough fingers in and out of your heat. You are both pressed up against his Lambo too preoccupied with pleasing each other to actually get into the vehicle. "You like that?" Jungkook asks smirking, as he peppers sensual kisses against the side of your neck and collarbones as he curls his fingers inside you to hit your g-stop. You moan loudly in response, feeling tears form at the corner of your eyes from the pleasure he was giving you. “You like that?” He asks again a suggestive smirk form on his lips as he moves his head back to observe your pleasured expression from a better angle. You glance down at him with an expression of complete ecstasy written all over your face. He grins in satisfaction knowing he was the cause of your pleasure. Another loud moan escapes you before you finally realise you were both in a very public location. Your eyes widen as you glance around the parking lot, praying and hoping that no one sees the nasty shit that the both of you were doing in public. “J-Jungkook let’s just get into the car!” You exclaim curling your fingers in his hair as he sucks more marks on the side of your neck. “But it’s so nice out tonight. You see how pretty that full moon is babe?” He teasingly whispers onto your skin, making you shudder as warm breath cascades over your sensitive skin just under your ear. He places his hot tongue flat against your neck licking another stripe up your neck, loving the way your pulse throbbed speedily beneath his tongue. You shut your eyes as you felt your heart rate increase from what he was doing to you and the fear of being caught.
"Jungkook p-people c-can see…us. L-Let's just go to your place!" You mutter between moans as he pumps his fingers a tiny bit harder and faster. “Hm, but I asked you a question babe?” He begins to unbutton the top of your collared white shirt with one hand as you shake against him from the pleasure he was making you feel. You hear a group of people laughing as they walk into the parking lot. Your eyes widen in fear as you tighten your hold on him. If they turn around they could easily see you and Jungkook. Jungkook dismisses them completely and continues his torture to your heat. “J-Jungkook there’s people baby there’s people-AH!” You cry out as his thumb presses onto your clit with the right amount of pressure and he begins to do circular motions making your body jolt with added pleasure. “Don't pay attention to anything else but me baby." He orders you while removing his hands off your shirt buttons temporarily to grip your chin between his fingers tightly forcing you to look at him. Just by pure luck, the bass dropped inside the club, successfully muffling your moans from being heard by the group. You scream in bliss as he begins to pump his fingers harder in and out of you. “You didn't answer me yet, baby, do you like what I'm doing to you or not?” He asks you seductively before sucking hickeys on the top of breast peeking out from your bra, as his fingers work to unbutton the rest of your shirt with his free hand that was previously holding your chin.
“Yes! I like it so fucking much.” You exclaim, threading your fingers through his sleek dark brown hair once again. Jungkook hums in appreciation to your response, before tugging your shirt out of your pencil skirt. You release his hair temporarily, as he pulls fingers out of your heat and you sigh in displeasure when you clench around nothing. Jungkook detaches himself from you to throw your shirt into the front seat of his vehicle. It took only a more few seconds to have Jungkook, sliding two fingers back into your heat eagerly. The people leave without noticing the both of you and you moan even louder as he begins to pump his fingers in and out at a rapidly fast pace. “AH!! DON’T STOP! PLEASE DON’T STOP!” You cry out as you grip on his shoulder tightly. “You should see how fucking filthy you look right now. You look so fucking hot baby.” He murmurs sexily, before adding a third finger and increasing his pace. “I’m so close!” You shout in pleasure. “Yeah? Cum for me then babe.” He urges as he continues to suck hickeys on top of your chest and breasts. You cry out in pleasure, as you tremble against him uncontrollably. Your release hitting you harder than it ever has before. You pant against him as your eyes roll back and he looks at down at you with such passion that you felt fire swimming through your veins. You come around his fingers as he works out of your first orgasm. He smiles against your skin, before peppering one final kiss on your neck. Your mind is in a daze as he pulls his soaked fingers out of you slowly before reaching for the car handle. You hear a click before the butterfly car door of the luxury matte back Lamborghini swings upwards.
“Get in.”
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So far up to this point of the night and you were getting to know Jungkook. Your first impression of him made you think that he wasn’t so bad. That was until he drove his Lambo that is. You grip onto the car handles for your dear life as he speeds through red lights, making the matte black Lamborghini fly through the city like crazy. The Lambo lit a profound purple colour on the inside, making his already gorgeous side profile look even more dashing alongside the illuminated lights. You hold your shirt to your chest with your free hand to cover yourself. Your eyes are blown wide as your breathlessly gasping for air in terror. “J-Jungkook… d-don’t you think you’re going a bit um fast?” You timidly question him as you keep your eyes glued to the road. Jungkook smirks watching you from his peripheral vision as he holds the leather steering wheel with one hand only. "Don't tell me that your scared baby girl? I thought you were fiercer than that." The engine shrieks as he presses onto the accelerator even harder, practically slamming his entire right foot against the pedal. Your breath hitches in your throat from shock as your back hit the seats from the sudden escalation of speed and he chuckles quietly to himself at your cute response. The wind from the cool night blows your hair back and you shiver from both fright and excitement as he flashes down on the high way. “No…Of course not.” You meekly reply as your grip on the side handle tightens. He smirks at you before changing lanes back and forth like he’s in a game of GTA to beat the traffic. He drives with well-defined skill and without any sense of restraint.
"Hm. You make such an exquisite face when you're scared (Y/n). It's truly intriguing " He says turning his head to face you briefly. You feel your heart skip a beat when your eyes meet his confident and assured ones. "I trust you.” You say beaming up at him and Jungkook is almost taken aback by your genuine response. “I’m the last person you should trust sweetheart.” Your smile leaves him so flustered that he resorts to rolling down his window to get some of the fresh late night air to cool down his flushed cheeks. “Maybe so, but I still want to trust you anyway.” You say gingerly as you take in his gorgeous features, momentarily dismissing the rapid speed his vehicle was going. “You honestly say the most absurd shit.” The adrenaline kicking makes you release the handle and enjoy the fast ride. “I don’t really mind it.” Jungkook smiles as he continues to speed through the city, the ride now becoming enjoyable as you laugh at the overwhelming feelings of attraction overshadowing your fear.
Jungkook looked absolutely stunning, as the wind blows through his chestnut silky parted hair, displaying his forehead. His face is displaying self-assurance and contentment as he drives his luxury car haphazardly. You couldn’t help but watch him, you couldn’t take your eyes off of him. He was so entertaining and assertive that you felt kind of jealous of him. He remained confident in himself. He had everything in his personality that you were lacking. You didn't know if the self-love and confidence he displayed were his true feelings or if he was faking it all. He was just so good at everything he did. That he made you instantly fall head over heels for him. Jungkook senses your gaze and looks at you smiling from ear to ear. Your eyes widen slightly before you are plastering on a fake smile that is futile and does little to nothing to hide your deepest feelings of self-hatred. Jungkook’s smile almost instantly vanishes at your lifeless gaze. He sees through your disguise and places the hand that was resting on his thigh onto the top of your head. Your eyes widen in shock at the comforting pat to your head. “If you’re gonna be lost in thought, can it at least be of me fucking your fucking brains out tonight when we get back to my place.”
You feel heat rush to your core at his response. He smirks as you flush under his heated gaze. "How much longer?" You ask turning your head to look out of the window in embarrassment. "Not very long at all baby. Not very long.” He says making an exit out of the highway into a path that seemed to be heading to the middle of nowhere. "Jungkook?" You turn to face him in slight fear. Could he be kidnapping you? Was he going to kill you and hide your dead body in the middle of nowhere? Countless merciless thoughts consume your attention, making Jungkook chuckle at your moment of panic. "Don't panic just yet baby girl," Jungkook smirks at you before motioning for you to look in front of you. "We're here." Your eyes widen in shock at the enormous mansion in front of you. "Welcome to the Jeon residence (L/N) (Y/N)," Jungkook says coolly as you star struck over the most gorgeous house you ever laid eyes upon. "T-This is your place?" You frantically ask Jungkook, as he reaches out of his car window to press a button. "Yeah well, it's one of them," Jungkook answers you with a sly wink. Your mouth falls agape at his response.
How many properties like this does he own? Can you make this much money selling drugs?
“This is the Jeon residence. Who do we have the pleasure of conversing with?” A voice speaks from the intercom. Your attention still being on the house made you jump a little at the sudden voice coming out of nowhere from the intercom.
“It’s me. Open the gate.” Jungkook says strictly as he straightens up in his seat. "Welcome back Master. Right away." The voice says before the gold-plated gate opens quickly. You watch the gate make a path and Jungkook bites back smile at the flabbergasted expression on your face. As soon as Jungkook speeds to the front of the mansion, there’s a chauffeur waiting for him at the front who opens the door for elegantly, before catching Jungkook’s car keys frantically after Jungkook threw them at him carelessly not even bothering to look where they land. "Park it next to the Bentley," Jungkook says casually before the chauffeur bows in response. "This house is way too big! T-This is actually a fucking mansion! Wait- you live here alone?” You question him hurriedly in amazement while taking the whole house in of its glory. Jungkook chuckles, before intertwining your hands together. “I actually live here with my Family.” The sudden skin to skin contact leaves you flushing in embarrassment and you are quick to tighten your hold onto his hand, fingers threaded together. You both maintain eye contact while his lips tug up on the side into a strikingly handsome smirk. “I wouldn’t want you running away or getting lost.” He says placing an affectionate kiss to the back of your palm. "I wouldn’t even dream of running away.” You chuckle feeling butterflies form in your stomach at the fondness and attention he was giving you. You feel yourself throb for him as the heat of your first intense orgasm lingers, his eyes darken faintly as he tightens his grip on your hand.
“Oh, after you figure out what I’m going to do to you, you might.” He says casually before flashing you a dazzling smile with a wink. You bite onto your bottom lip in anticipation as he opens the front door. “After you.” He says assertively, gesturing you politely to take a step inside the mansion. The massive front doors creak open and you nod timidly before taking a vigilant step through the front door and what it revealed inside left you even more dumbfounded than you were before. “Welcome back Master!” a room full of servants greet the two of while bowing in perfect sync and order. They all looked extremely timid and stiff as they present themselves with cautiousness and well-mannered demeanour in front of Jungkook. Jungkook doesn’t even glance or acknowledge the attentive staff before waving them away. "Leave us be," Jungkook says firmly making them all nod their heads quickly and scatter off in all kinds of different directions after bowing again elegantly, trying their hardest to get away from Jungkook’s presence as fast as physically possible.
“Wow…So all these people serve you?” You ask him, as he leads up the long flight of marble stairs. "Yes, baby girl. They all work for me and my family.” He shrugs indifferently, making you raise an eyebrow in response. “That’s crazy. I can’t imagine having that much people serving me.”
"Oh, I'll serve you so good baby girl. So good, that you won’t be needing anybody else.” He says with a husky voice so enticingly erotic, you feel every fibre in your body jump in expectation. He detaches himself from you before roughly pushing you inside a massive room which must have belonged to him once you both reach the top of the stairs. You scream with a start at the sudden rough push to your body. Your fingers detach from his instantly as you stagger into his large room. Jungkook watches you stumble into the room making him sneer maliciously in response. Trying your best to keep your balance in your heels. Immediately you got the bad boy vibe from how he carried himself and his persona. You quickly glance around the luxurious room and you almost gasp at the expensive interior and spacious size. The room practically screamed Jungkook from its dark colour coordination to his rich feeling silk sheets. It had a walk-in closet, a balcony, a bathroom, game machinery that look like they belong in an arcade, a gym and many more completely extra shit. You spot large monitors on the side of his room with gaming headsets. “This is your room? It’s a separate house in itself." You mutter as you turn your body to face Jungkook. He loosens his collared shirt as he bites his bottom lip while walking through his doorway. “Yeah. It’s pretty impressive.” He checks you out from head to toe and is quick to be back by your side. You instantly notice his change in persona, the polite and attentive Jungkook now nowhere to be seen. He holds your chin turning you to face him and pulls you into another breathtaking kiss that leaves you feeling weak in the knees. His hold on your body is strong and secure as he holds you upright.
The shirt that was flimsily placed back on you gets instantly ripped off, as his rough fingers make contact with the bottom of it. You swore you heard a rip coming from the material, but you couldn’t care less at that very moment. Jungkook’s desirous hands grope and glide across every curve of your body. His kisses were intoxicatingly breath-taking and experienced. “Why am I not getting sick of kissing you?” He teasingly whispers as he walks you back, pressing you against his large pool table. “I wonder.” You murmur in response sending him a playful smile before you both pull apart briefly and you practically rip off his expensive vest and dress shirt. He smirks at your enthusiasm and lets you undress him keenly. Your eyes widen in shock at the rock hard abs and honey coloured skin he was hiding underneath, with even more sexy tattoos sprawled across his sides and chest. Your unbelievably needy at this point and Jungkook smirks down at you so erotically that your breath hitches in your chest at his attractiveness. This guy was oozing with so much sex appeal that it was insane. “Please just take me.” You murmur in desperation and Jungkook chuckles before unbuckling his belt. "Oh, I will." He murmurs as tenses his body to accentuate his lean muscles.
“Like what you see baby?” He growls, pushing your body even harder against the cold hardwood of his table, as he drowns in your scent and soft flesh overwhelming his senses completely. You nod your head sternly, your eyes staying glued to his rock hard abs and honey skin. “Yeah? Cause I know I do. Damn.” He says placing wet kisses down your neck retracing his previous steps and admiring his marks that he left on your skin at the carpark. Your chest rises and falls with every deep breath you take and Jungkook admires that. You gulp in anticipation as his rough fingers glide over your bra strap, slowly moving the fabric down and he continues his sensual kisses onto the newly exposed skin. Your fingers run through his hair as you take in every single one of Jungkook’s actions, trying to lock them deep into your memory. Jungkook sucks another hickey before practically ripping your bra off of you.
You hear a soft “fuck” leaving his lips as he takes in your breasts, before latching onto your left nipple. You moan out loud in both pain and pleasure while your hands grab at his tattooed arms. As he sucks and tugs onto your delicate flesh and nipple his hands grasp both your breasts squeezing them with just the right amount of pressure. Making your back arch off the table. He gives the right nipple the same attention as the left before one of his hands slides down your body teasingly. “You are so good at this!” You screech as he makes contact with your swollen clit. “You haven’t seen anything yet.” He replies teasingly, keeping eye contact with you as he slides pencil skirts zipper down painstakingly slow. “Please hurry up Jungkook.” You groan at his deliberate slow pace which makes him smile friskily down at you in response. Usually, this sort of response from a woman sent him haywire. He did not like people rushing him or commanding him in any shape or form but Jungkook didn’t really seem to mind it coming from you.
“I just want to take my time undressing you while admiring your beauty.” Your whole body flushes at his sly comment and you mentally curse him for always knowing what to say to get you riled up. Once it hits the floor, you push Jungkook off of you with as much force as you could muster, knowing he was much stronger than you. He barely moves back an inch at the force of your push but for your sake moves back anyway watching you with slight confusion perceptible in his dark onyx eyes. You smirk up at him coyly before falling down onto your knees in front of him. His confusion is quickly wiped away by an assertive smile and he threads his rough fingers through your hair instantly when he realises what you were up to. You can see him through his dress pants and he watches you in a mixture of both complete disbelief and amusement. You look up at him as if you were asking for permission and he nods his head impatiently in response, his fingers threading into your hair harsher and you smile at the suggestive tug to your locks, hands reaching to pull down his zipper. His pants fall to the ground quickly without anything there to hold the trousers on his amazing body.
You bite back a gasp at how big and hard he looked through his underwear. The outline of his length protruding and thick as well as how defined and muscular his thighs were. “Shit…” You mutter before feeling him over his underwear. “I think I’m the one with the better view here between the two of us.” Jungkook sheepishly murmurs, his eyes hooded as he peers down at you. Admiring you just in your underwear with your breast bare. “We’ll see about that.” You mutter looking up at him through your lashes, before tugging his underwear down and you move your head back quickly to avoid being hit in the face by his impressively large and thick cock. You hum in pleasure at the size and he ushers you with a suggestive smile to take him in your mouth.
“Come on baby girl…give it a taste.” Jungkook guides you while threading his fingers through your locks once again, completely messing up your hair but keeping your hair from falling onto your gorgeous face. “Gladly.” You whisper, before placing a kitten lick to his leaking tip. It had been so long since you got laid that you felt the excitement as you lick a slow long stripe from the base of his shaft to the tip. "F-Fuck." Jungkook moans, tightening his grip on your hair. "Take your panties off baby girl and pleasure yourself while you suck my cock.” You immediately obey sliding off your panties, before licking your fingers and circling your clit while simultaneously sucking his large cock. “Just like that baby…” Jungkook growls as you bob your head faster while hallowing your cheeks to suck even harder. “Take me into your mouth. Just like that.” You moan with a cock filled mouth and Jungkook forces you harder onto his shaft, making his tip brush against the back of your throat.
You groan at the force but try your best to not gag around his dick as he practically begins to face fuck your mouth. Your mascara and eyeliner begin to smudge at the corner of your eyes as the tears begin to pour down your face. Leaving a trail of streak marks as you keep one hand against his pelvis to steady yourself as your other hand stills against your clit, too focused on pleasing him instead and not gagging. “Keep touching yourself baby girl.” He orders as he slows down his pace, keeping his cock buried into your mouth. You hum in response as you begin to move your fingers hastily on your clit. Bringing yourself close to your second release of the night. Jungkook sees you panting and twitching and is quick to wrap his hand roughly around you locks before tugging you hard by the hair to pull you off his dick. You cry out in pain and he smirks down at you in response. Completely disregarding your disappointed look on your face from being stripped away from another orgasm. His eyes are following the trickle of saliva running down your chin and dripping onto your bare hickey covered breasts.
“I told you to pleasure yourself but I never said to make yourself cum. I’ll be the one make to you cum. You got that?” He strictly pronounces without any hint of playfulness in his lust filled eyes and you nod quickly not wanting to test his patience’s and letting him pull you back up to your feet by your hair. “I’m going to fuck you all night long and you’re going to let me.” You nod enthusiastically and he releases your hair to instead bend slightly to throw you over his shoulder like a rag doll. You cry out in fear as your body dangles on his shoulder. He smacks your ass hard before walking over to his large bed. He throws you onto his mattress and watches your body bounce up and down. Your hands feel at his silky expensive sheets and he smirks down at you before pulling off his Rolex watch and tossing it off to the side somewhere. You maintain eye contact with and him as he walks over to the edge of the bed. His cock standing tall as he grasps onto your feet before pulling your body down to the edge of his bed and slipping off your black heels.
“Let me fucking taste you baby.” Your breath hitches in your throat as drops onto his knees. “You are fucking glistening so beautifully.” He teasingly states as he looks up at you holding your gaze. Your chests rise and fall in anticipation as he bends down to lick a stripe up your heat, his tongue brushing onto your clit. Your back arches off the bed and he smirks before continuing to eat you out like he was a starved animal. Moan after moan leaves you as you grab at his sheets, clutching them tightly. The pleasure causing tears to well up in your eyes once again, making your eye make-up smear even more. “Jungkook!!” You scream his name like a mantra and he lives for every second of it. “That’s it. Say my name.” You cry out in pleasure and he growls in response doubling his efforts before sliding two fingers back into your dripping entrance. He rushes you into your second orgasm of the night embarrassingly quickly and he watches you tremble and shudder against his now drenched sheets. You continue to twitch and exhale in pleasure as he works you out of your high.
“Look at the fucking mess you made.” He chuckles, his chin and lips covered in your juices and you flush at his comment. Your eyes snap open at his comment and you quickly lift yourself up against his mattress onto your elbows. You stare down at him and the mess you made mortified. “I-I’ve never d-done that before.” You shyly murmur and he chuckles bending down to lick up the rest of your release before kissing his way up your body sensually. “Don’t be embarrassed. That was so fucking hot. I am going to make you feel things you’ve never felt before baby. I’ll give you a taste of what it’s to be with me…but first taste how fucking amazing you taste on my tongue.” He pushes his tongue into your mouth, allowing you to taste yourself on his tongue and you let him kiss you like no tomorrow. The kiss continues to get heated and you let your tongues collide together again and again. “Jungkook please…please fuck me.” You practically beg once he pulls away slightly. Leaving only a short distance between the two of you. “Please Jungkook,” You look up at him with lust filled eyes and he growls in response.
“How badly do want it?” His curt questions leave you baffled and sexually frustrated. "So fucking bad…please, Jungkook, fuck me, baby, please-"
“Hm, I'm not really convinced." He hums, purposely brushing his rock hard cock against your dripping entrance. You clench around nothing and sigh in frustration. "I want you so fucking bad Jungkook, please I want you to fuck me all night with your big cock, I want you to fuck me hard and stretch me out, use me to get yourself off, I have never wanted to sleep with someone so bad, I want you to fuck my brains out as you promised me Jungkook please, please I want your cock inside me so bad baby-”
“You want me that badly? Well, I better give you what you want baby girl."
You almost gasp at the feeling of his hard cock brushing against your dripping entrance. He watches you favourably and pushes just the tip of his length into you. You quickly clench onto him and moan out loud at the stretch. “F-Fuck you’re so big.” You cry out as he hastily pushes the rest of his thick and long cock in barely giving you time to adjust to his size. You feel yourself being stretched further than you have ever been stretched before. Your mouth falls open at the feeling and you both moan at the pleasant stretch. "And you're so fucking tight. What the fuck? When was the last time you’ve been fucked?” He questions you with a moan as he pulls his hip back before snapping them forward, essentially pounding his hard length back into you firmly and powerfully. It has honestly been a long time since the last time you have had sex and this was definitely giving you more pleasure than your fingers were. You release moan after moan as he continues to stick by his words and fuck your brains out.
He continues pulling his hips back and then thrusting back inside you hard with a satisfying husky groan. He has your back arching and your falling agape with every hard snap of his pelvis. You feel your body sucking him back up and deep inside, his length brushing against all the right places. He growls and grunts sexily as he continues to pound you into his mattress. “You take my cock so fucking well baby.” You reach your arms out to press against the headboard to give you some stability but your efforts become futile as he continues to pound into you faster and harder, hitting that one spot that drives you crazy every time. “Jungkook oh my god!” You moan breathlessly as shoves his whole length hard and deep inside you, stilling himself as you clench and unclench snugly around his length. Your whole body shaking at the pleasure you were feeling. “Jungkook…” You moan his name as you peer up at him with glistening tear-filled eyes. “Fuck baby.” He grunts while imprinting your face and exquisite pleasured expression into his mind as he starts to move his hips again. His large cock once again sliding against your walls wonderfully. Your wetness dripping out of your entrance soaking his sheets with every thrust.
“You look so fucking sexy right now.” He growls hovering over you, admiring the way your face contorts with pleasure with every snap of his pelvis. "Right t-there Jungkook! Fuck! Right there!" You chant as he grips your hips harder, pulling your body down to meet him halfway. The hard pounding to your g-spot leaves you seeing stars and you trembling again as your back arches off his bed and your sensitive nipples make contact with his solid hard chest. You knew you were going to be so sore after this and probably covered in bruises but you honestly didn’t care. He completely ruined you with his rough thrusts, bite marks and hickey covered skin. Not so secretly thought you were loving every second of it. He lets go of one of your hips to press his fingers against your swollen and abused clit.
"Y-You fuck me so well." You cry out as Jungkook continues to assault your g-spot. “Jungkook!” Your eyes roll back as he rubs your clit and the sensation as you on cloud9 as he pounds into you faster. “J-Jungkook s-shit!” You scream in ecstasy as you tighten around his length feeling the familiar bubbling of your release approaching in your belly. He was stimulating you in every way possible. “I-I’m close! P-Please d-don’t stop!” You order him and he smirks down at you sexily. Sweat dripping down his forehead as he intertwines his fingers on your hip with your own. “I’m not planning on it.” You moan loudly, your high hitting you even harder than it has the first time he pushed you past your breaking point before. Jungkook removes his hand off your clit to wrap his fingers around your neck instead. Applying the right amount of pressure and slightly cutting off your airways. Your breath hitches in your throat and you never knew being choked was something that was going to turn you on as much as it did. “Look at you, you little filthy bitch. Taking my cock so fucking well.” He grunts choking you harder. You gasp and tighten around his length as your orgasm was quickly approaching. You silently scream in pleasure as you feel yourself being thrown over the edge once again. Your whole body shuddering at the overwhelming sensation. You release onto his sheets and lower stomach. “Fuck you did It again baby.” He grunts loving the way your face is contorting in pleasure. “So fucking hot.” He mutters as he watches you tremble and shake violently underneath him, tightening extremely tightly around his cock.
“F-Fuck! I’m gonna cum.” Jungkook exclaims as he releases into you, painting your walls. His seeds filling you up. He continues to ram his cock into you, successfully milking himself of his cum. You groan at the overstimulation of him thrusting into you and hitting your abused g-spot. “Jungkook stop please” You whimpered and he shushes you quietly in response. You flinch and twitch as he begins to rub your clit hard and fast. You scream in both discomfort and overstimulation. “J-Jungkook baby I can’t cum again!” You exclaim, feeling the familiar feeling of an orgasm arising in your belly. “Come, baby, just one more. Cum one more time for me.” Your scream as your last orgasm hits you. It does not hit you as hard as the rest of your orgasm of the night but it is enough to leave you with goosebumps and feeling so unbelievably pleasured. You both breathlessly stay in the same position trying to steady your breathing while still being connected and sweaty from the aftermath of a passionate night of love-fucking and rough fucking. You have a gut feeling that he's staring at you and your pleasantly surprised when you snap your eyes open to be greeted by his blissful and content smiling face. He stares at you silently. Chest falling and rising as he takes his fingers off your neck, relishing on the way your skin flushed after the intense love-making you both shared. He observes your completely wrecked form in delight. Loving the way his fingers on neck left a red mark and he moves his hands down your body keeping them locked against your hips instead. You stare up at him bashfully as he continues to observe you. You felt completely vulnerable and bare in front Jungkook as he makes no effort to move from his position even with his now limp dick still buried deep inside you filled with his cum. You couldn’t imagine how messy he made you. You felt only slightly self-conscious as he continues to gawk at you.
“That was… probably the best… sex… I’ve ever had.” You state chuckling between heavy intakes of air as he snorts softly at the comment. "Well, I'm glad because it was…supposed to be your last.” The last part of his sentence gets trapped in his head and he does not physically have the ability to say the words out loud. "Because It was what?" You ask smiling up at him and he shakes his head calmly returning your smile. "Because it was mine too." He says before bending down to capture your lips into another passionate kiss. Jungkook kisses you aggressively with every ounce of strength he had left. You were like a drug giving him energy as he felt the desire to take you all over again. His right hand moves slowly under the pillow next to you. You were completely immersed in the kiss to realise what he was doing. Jungkook's warm hand makes contact with the cool knife located under the pillow. His hand grasped it as he waits for the usual urge to slice your throat open. The kiss is progressing getting sloppier and intimate as your tongues dance against each other. Jungkook is baffled as he feels no motivation to kill you. He releases the knife, choosing to wrap his fingers into your soft locks once again instead. You moan into his mouth at the soft tug to your locks and you cup his face urging him to deepen the kiss. Jungkook sighs into your mouth in response. One of his hands sliding down your body sweaty body.
He breaks the kiss, eyes lingering onto your content fucked out expression. Even though your hair was a mess, your make up was ruined and smeared he swore he has never seen anything more beautiful in his life. No expensive car, no paycheck, no drugs could give the rush you gave him. He felt defeated by you in his own wicked game. The urge to kill you never arising in his heart for the first time in a long time. "Would you like to take a shower?" He whispers sensually brushing soothing circles over the skin by your hips with his thumb and you hum in response, eyes slimming into a radiant smile. "Are you going to join me in the shower?" You ask cheekily brushing your thumb against his cheek comfortingly, mimicking his motions on your hip. He smirks in response and places a quick peck on your neck, moving his hips back and pulling his length out of your heat. You both moan quietly at the feeling. You exhale in pleasure at the feeling of his cum leaking out of your entrance. "Of course I'm going to join you. It's my house after all. What kind of gentleman will I be if I do not fulfil my guests' wishes? Especially when she's this fucking fine." He purrs sexily raising an eyebrow at you making you sigh in desire at his suggestive response. "I don't think I can walk, to be honest. You really did live up to my expectations.” You utter sleepily, making him grin down at you. He moves to the side of the bed and picks up a phone placed on top of the bedside table. You watch him groggily and he glances at you before sending a cheeky wink your way, making you chuckle slightly, your greedy fingers gliding against his lean muscles.
“It’s me. I need a maid in here to change the sheets and bring in a pair of lady pyjamas in no less than five minutes.” Jungkook strictly orders on the phone before hanging up and placing it back on top of the bedside table. Your cheeks flush at his authoritarian attitude and the fact that the maids will know he slept with you and ruined his beautiful expensive sheets. He turns to back to you, smirking cockily at your embarrassed expression.
“Now about that shower.”
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You fell onto the new fresh silky sheets on his bed completely wiped out and exhausted. You and Jungkook continued your sexual endeavours in the shower and he wasn't exactly an unfit person to get tired easily. It was so mortifying to know that ladies in his room could every single detail of what Jungkook was doing to you. It was hard keeping up with him but it was so damn worth it in the end. You feel your body ache everywhere and Jungkook chuckles and you feel his large bed dip as he plops down onto the bed beside you. "Tired baby?" He asks brazenly, making you hum in response. "You honestly never fully run out of energy do you?" You ask him not really expecting a proper answer. "Now that you mention it. I don't really think I do babe." He cheekily responds stroking your hair comfortingly. "Get some rest babe. I am a big sucker for morning sex." You flush at his words. “I could honestly fuck you all day and night.” His smirk never leaving his face. You hesitate to lean towards him, which would seem a little silly after being so intimate with him but you just didn't know if this a one-time thing and maybe he didn't see you as anything more than a typical one night stand. "Am I spending the night?" You ask cautiously and Jungkook's rested eyes fluttered open quickly after those words leave your lips. "Yeah. I don't want you going anywhere." He spoke sternly without any hint of hesitation which shocked you and himself secretly. He had never had anyone stay over before unless they were dead of course. The new side you were bringing out of him scared him deep down inside but he was so far gone for you that it seems to not matter anymore. He was becoming a little possessive in this sense though. "O-Okay."
You were beautiful even with your makeup gone and hair slightly damped after he dried it. Your skin glows and bloomed with his marks. His fingers twitched at his side as he felt an overwhelming desire to touch you and feel you again. "Come here." He ordered, lifting his sheets up slightly and you flush at the sight of his solid abs being exposed to your greedy eyes once again. Did he always sleep naked? You exhale quietly, feeling anxious as you slide across his bed, falling deep into the security of his strong arms.
“If Jeon Jungkook finds out were detectives were all going to fucking die tonight!”
Jungkook wraps his arms around you securely and your heart begins to pound against in your chest as Jin's previous words of warning begin to replay in your mind. You were pretty much sober now and fully aware of the position you were in. You look at Jungkook's face and sigh in relief when you noticed he was sound asleep. "This was wrong…so fucking wrong." The realisation of the situation started settling in and you feel your anxiety return on queue to mess with your ability to think rationally. "What the fuck have I done?" You whisper to yourself as you peer up at Jungkook's face in shame. You were completely overwhelmed by your reckless mistake.
Even though you felt strongly about Jungkook. It didn't change the fact that he was a drug dealer, part of a dangerous mafia group and possibility a murder. You were a detective. The complete opposite of him. You of all people should have known better than getting involved with someone like him, especially not intimately involved. You hear your phone vibrate in the corner of the room and you didn't realise that you had forgotten your bag in his Lamborghini the maids must have brought it up for you. You debated in your mind whether or not to sneak out or to just spend the night. You started thinking over your options and sneaking out without anyone noticing just didn't seem possible in a house full of servants. You were surely going to get caught. You make up your mind to just spend the night and leave in the morning. You hear your phone vibrate once again and you are now fully aware that someone is trying to contact you desperately. "Jin and (B/F/N) must be so worried about me". You thought to yourself as you slowly and discreetly untangle yourself from Jungkook's hold. He doesn't even as so much stir at your movements. You smile in relief that he was, in fact, a deep sleeper. You hold your breath as you tiptoe over to your bag placed against Jungkook's computer chair, silently pulling out your phone from the inside.
8 missed calls from Best Friend
5 missed calls from Jin
1 missed call from Kim Namjoon
You have several miss calls and texts messages from Jin and your best friend, along with a single missed call from Namjoon. You feel a bad feeling wash over you as you quickly begin to reply to your best friend’s texts messages. They have spammed you with how worried they were and how Jin was begging you come to the agency asap. Your eyes stay glued to Namjoon’s text message. He never contacts you this late unless it was something urgent. Your heart hammers in your chest as you unlock Namjoon’s message. Your fingers are trembling as you read his message your mind going haywire as you read through his long text message over and over again not believing what you were reading.
[Kim Namjoon]
3:35 am
Hey (Y/N) I'm sorry for contacting you this late at night but I got some leads on the case we are investigating. We found out that the killer is a guy in his early twenties. His father owns one of the most well-known mafia organisation in the world. They specialise in the illegal exportation of cocaine. He has killed multiple people throughout the years and some of his victims are not women. His last victim name was Scarlett Brooks, 22 years of age and she was last seen walking out of the club Full Moon last week Friday night around 12:30 am. We believe he goes by the name Jeon Jungkook. I have already contacted Jin and he is at the agency. I need you to get here as soon as possible. Once again sorry for contacting you so late.
You almost drop your phone in shock. You feel your chest grow cold in fear as tears well up in your eyes as you turn around hastily to glance back at Jungkook who was sleeping peacefully in his bed. He looks almost boyish as he snores quietly his chest rising and falling with every breath he takes. Your chest aches as you fight back tears. Your mind going crazy as you hurriedly try to collect your thoughts. How Jungkook do those horrible things to those innocent women? You used to think you had a good understanding of people and their inner intentions. How could you have given a blind eye to someone as heartless and merciless as Jungkook? Maybe Namjoon was wrong? It was a possibility. A very low possibility but still a possibility. You reminiscence on the way he held you and kissed you. There was no way it could be Jungkook. You felt a panic attack begin to start and you try your best calm yourself. It can't be. It can’t be Jungkook. Please don’t be Jungkook. Not Jungkook. You didn't know if you were being rational or naïve. For the first time in a long time, you weren't thinking like a professional but instead, you happened to be wishfully thinking.
[You]
4:10 am: I’ll be right there.
You reply back to him with a curt reply, your hands trembling as you type the message which is supposed to be simple but because of your shaky hands, it takes longer than usual. Your phone vibrates again in your hands and you open Jin's text message, biting onto your bottom lip in unease. You bite onto the flesh unknowingly hard, causing the skin to break and blood to come dripping out. The iron taste of blood leaves an unpleasant flavour in your mouth as you open Jin's newest text.
[Jin]
4:12 am: I know that you are with him…Jimin saw you guys leaving together. I know you might not believe me but It's him (Y/N). Jungkook's the killer. That ruthless killer that decapitated and dismembered those women and men! Please tell me your safe.
[You]
4:12 am: I just saw Namjoon's text message. I'm sorry for the late reply! I'll meet you back at the agency ASAP.
You quickly snap a reply to Jin as you gather your clothes debating whether or not to catch an Uber home. Your phone percentage was exceptionally low and you mentally cringe at the red percentage displaying that you had 20% battery left. You look at your ripped blouse in agitation. How the fuck were you going to escape without being noticed? You leave the silk pyjama shirt on your body but you change back into your pencil giving up on finding your bra is this very dark room only being lightened by a little light from the full moon outside. You throw your PJ pants into your purse and flinch in shock at the sudden vibration coming from your phone. You glance at your home screen while placing your free hand over your racing heart.
[Jin]
4:15 am: THANK GOODNESS YOUR OKAY!? WHERE ARE YOU?? DO YOU NEED ME TO PICK YOU UP??
4:15 am: We were so worried about you
you have no idea.
4:15 am: I'm sorry for not paying enough attention
[You]
4:16 am: I'm okay Jin! I shouldn't have left the club and made you guys worry. I'm sorry. I'm okay though and I'll meet you back at the agency.
[Jin]
4:17 am: Okay but promise me you'll call me or message me if anything happens? Just please be safe and be smart. Message me as soon as you get here.
[You]
4:17 am: I will! See you soon!
[Jin]
4:17 am: See you! Remember to message me if anything happens!
Once that message sends, you are quick to place your phone back into your purse quietly, trying your best to make as little noise as possible. You exhale shakily as you try your best to calm your nerves. You felt confused and conflicted after thinking about everything that has happened tonight with Jungkook. It's not like you just liked him because of sex appeal. You peep at Jungkook quietly walking over to the edge of his bed. His beautiful sleeping face was being illuminated faintly by the moon. He was so gorgeous. You instantly jump out of your trance when his face contorts in discomfort. It was almost as if he was in some kind of pain as he releases a grunt in his sleep. His chest begins to rise and fall at a faster pace as he inhales and exhales faster. Was Jungkook having a nightmare?
"Please forgive me father…," Jungkook mumbles as he begins moving his head from side to side. You feel your heart drop instantly at the anguish in his expression. You knew he was hurting. "Please father…don't…don't hurt me." He chokes out, his body now trembling slightly. Sweats build upon his forehead and you couldn't tolerate watching him suffering any longer. "J-Jungkook…" You stutter quietly while brushing his fringe out of his eyes gently. Jungkook instantly captures your hand, making you flinch in shock at his sudden contact. Your heart races as you think he has woken up. He continues to snore peacefully making you exhale in relief. It was so wrong caring for your enemy but you couldn't help it. You were acting by your heart, not your mind.
Getting out of the Jeon's residence was a struggle and so astonishingly stressful. The maids almost seem stunned at your presence. As if they were expecting you to be dead. You feel a chill run down your spine at the thought. You almost felt dirty. Even though you have already showered you wanted to take another. You wanted to remove every trace of Jeon Jungkook on your body. You walk past a large gold-framed mirror in the hall of the mansion. Your eyes almost popping out of your head at the numerous hickeys covering your neck and chest. What the fuck is Namjoon going to think if I show up like this? They were so obvious and dark. There was no way in hell you could show up to the agency looking like this.
“Oh, it’s you (Y/N).”
You jump in fear at the familiar voice coming from close behind you. You look back horrified as Park Jimin stands there with a smug expression on his face. He is still wearing the delectable attire that he was wearing at the club. He looks at you up and down. You flush in embarrassment as the catcalls at the sight of your hickey covered skin. "Looks like you and Jungkook got along quite well last night." There was a hint of teasing his statement that left you feeling almost ashamed at your reckless behaviour. "What is it Jimin?" You rushed him with the question as you gulp, turning your head stiffly as you avert your gaze to the clock hanging up by the stairs. It was well past 5 am and you couldn't believe he was still up at this time. "Are you in a rush sweetheart?" Jimin answers your question with a question of his own as he smirks at you. "No. Not at all." You curtly reply, averting your gaze back to his and he chuckles quietly. His eyes roaming your dishevelled appearance.
"Did you just get here?" You ask politely and he nods his head in response. "Yeah, I thought I'd stop by and see if you were still alive." Your eyes widen in shock at his statement and he chuckles quietly, pushing his hands into his pants pockets leisurely. "Just kidding sweetheart. No need to give me that look." He looked a little tipsy as he gazes at you with a suggestive smile. His cologne and the smell of alcohol clouds your senses and he is loving every second of your timid attitude. "Do you like Jungkook?" His question catches you off guard and you nod bashfully in response not wanting to make anything worse for yourself. "Well, …that's a shame. I really wanted to leave with you and give you some good Park Jimin head. I ain't messing with Jungkook's girls though. He'd probably shoot me, but if you ever get tired of him, I'm here and more than willing enough to give you some good dick." Jimin smirks and removes one of his hands from his trousers to cup your face in the palm of his hand gently. You stiffen at the sudden contact before taking a quick step back, creating some distance between you and Jimin. "I'm sorry Jimin but I-I really um have to go." You say hastily before twisting on your heels and bolting down the stairs of the mansion. You feel almost breathless as you make your escape. Your legs still excoriatingly sore from Jungkook's intense fucking, leaving you to feel a little unsteady on your feet. You feel Jimin's eyes glued to your back, making you want to escape faster. Jimin watches you leave with a wide grin plastered on his face. His phone vibrating in his pocket only captures his attention briefly. He reaches into his pocket before pulling out his phone and clicking the answer button.
“Hey Taehyung …yeah I just made it to Jungkook’s and you won’t believe it. The girl is still alive. (Y/N) is still alive.”
“Is she now? Well if she is alive…it probably won’t be for long.” Taehyung’s statement leaves Jimin slightly baffled. “What do you mean?”
“She does not work for a publishing company. Hoseok did some research and apparently, she's a detective. You are not going to believe who she works for…" There is silence on the line now after Jimin registered the new given information.
“Who is it?”
“She works for Kim Namjoon.”
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"Hey, you made it!" Jin exclaims as immediate relief washes over him and he races over to you when you push open the agencies door. It was now approximately two hours after you left the Jeon residence which was an actual pain in the ass to leave considering there was people guarding the gate and no one really wanted to wake up Jungkook to ask him for permission to allow you to leave. After about 30 minutes of back to back chitchat between you and the guards, you were allowed to leave. "Jin! I'm so sorry!" You sob running into his arms and he pats your back comfortingly. "Don't apologise! I'm just glad you're okay." You both pull back from the brief embrace, gazing at each other with a warm smile. "Thanks, Jin…I promise I'll make it up to you and (b/f/n)!" You murmur, feeling guilt wash over you. "No seriously it's okay! We're both just glad that you're safe-"
Jin’s words seem to be getting distance as you ponder on what Jungkook was doing right now. The whole Uber ride you couldn't stop thinking about Jungkook. It was like he was consuming you in every way possible and you couldn't shake the thought of him out of your head. You pondered if he has woken up yet and what he would think when he saw you missing. His presence lingers. Your muscles were sore and your heat was still aching. Memories of Jungkook staying imprinted in your mind and you secretly didn’t want to forget anything that has happened with Jungkook.
“(Y/N) you have arrived.” Namjoon’s stern voice echoes throughout the agencies entrance and you fix your posture immediately as soon as your in his presence. “I-I’m sorry for being late Mr Kim.” You apologise in a dejected tone as you place a hand against the side of your neck to cover a few marks left on your skin by Jungkook without being too obvious. Jin’s eyes widen in shock at the hickeys peeking out of your shirt. "We'll talk in here." Namjoon barely pays your timid attitude any mind as he ushers both you and Jin into his office. "You couldn't get yourself a turtleneck before you came?" Jin teasing whispers in your ear as you both follow behind Namjoon. "Shut up." You spat at him as he looks at you with a shit eating grin. "At least you're okay." He muttered patting you gently on the arm. "I have set up the evidence I've gathered on my pin board," Namjoon says while pointing towards his pinboard which was covered in articles, photos and papers. You feel your heartache painfully when your eyes land on a photograph of Jungkook on there.
"There is security footage of Brooks leaving full moon…she appears to be with Jeon Jungkook. Although the club refused to give us the actual footage there are numerous witnesses that have identified Jungkook as a potential suspect. I have also gathered some past articles on the Jeon family and their past criminal history doesn't look very good. I used to investigate this family and to be honest, I'm not very surprised that it's Jungkook."
The more Namjoon talks the more you feel the need to cry. Jin notices your expression falter under Namjoon's stern voice and he exhales inaudibly not being able to bare your hurt expression. "Jungkook took a few anatomy classes in College which makes sense on how he knows where to slice his victims and he was under arrest a couple of times in the past on several drug and assault charges but was released on bail every time. Even though, I'm positive that Jungkook is suspect we still need to interview a few close friends. This case is going to be one of the most difficult cases to deal with appropriately. The reason why I chose both of you as detectives for this case is that you are both experienced and smart enough to handle it. I have high hopes for the both of you. "
“Yes, sir.”
"At this point of the investigation, I am certain that Jungkook is the one killing all these women and men. What I need from you both now is to go home and get some rest up for the day and to come in tomorrow with a fresh start so we can come up with an appropriate and more efficient strategy on how we are going to handle this situation. You both look extremely exhausted and won't be able to work to the standard that I need from the both of you right now. Do not be late tomorrow. Do I make myself clear?" Namjoon's stern voice and face doesn't leave any room for disagreements. He peers at both you and Jin with the same serious and superior persona.
“Yes, sir!”
“You are both dismissed.”
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"Father, why do you hate me so much?" Jungkook asks meekly as he lets his father beat him to a pulp. Blood gushing out from his nose and a bruise forming on both sides of his face. Jungkook is merely a child who was getting used to his father’s abuse. He cries as he tries to fend off his alcoholic father. “It’s all your fault…” His father mutters while hiccupping, as he swings his bottle of whisky at a terrified Jungkook who barely dodges the bottle. The glass shattering everywhere and slicing Jungkook’s skin on his arms and legs. “F-Father Please!”
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU SORRY EXCUSE OF A SON!" His father shouts in resentment as he wobbles over to Jungkook, who tries to scramble away from but ends up cutting himself even further from the glass shattered on the ground. "It's because of you that she died. You were a murderer at birth. I fucking can't stand you. I fucking hate you."
Jungkook sits up on his bed waking up with a start. His chest heaving up and down as he inhales and exhales harshly. His heart racing in his chest as the built-up sweat on his forehead drips down the side of his face. He shuts his eyes grimacing from the sunlight streaking through his large window. "Fuck…it was just a dream." He murmurs to himself in relief as he steadies his breathing with a racing heart. Placing the palm of his hand over his eyes as they adjust to the daylight.
"Jungkook! You up man?" Jimin walks into Jungkook's room standing his door with a cup of coffee his hand. He smirks at the latter before leaning against the door frame while crossing his legs. "Jimin? What the fuck are you doing here?" Jungkook asks barely acknowledging him as he stretches out his tense muscles. Jimin chuckles before taking a sip of the coffee in his hands. "Had a good night last night?" Jimin's questions make Jungkook recollect his memory. "(Y/n)." He glances down at the side of the bed, frowning when he finds it empty.
"If you're looking for (Y/n), she left early this morning. She was a complete mess when I saw her. I can imagine you had a good time last night…huh, Kooky?" Jimin says smirking at Jungkook who pulls up his covers, sliding out of the comfort of his bed. "What time did she leave?" Jungkook asks bending down and putting on some sweatpants. He was incredibly pissed that you had left without his knowledge. Jimin tenses his face as he thinks. "About 5 in the morning." Jungkook retraces his memory and his smile is unknowingly warm as he thinks about you and what you both experienced the night before. Jimin peers at Jungkook with a shocked expression on his face. Almost dropping his cup at the sight. Jungkook's smile was so sincere and radiant. Jimin was, in fact, witnessing right now one of the most genuine smiles he's ever seen coming from Jungkook in a very long time. "I didn't want to kill her…I didn't want her to leave me, to be honest with you." Jungkook mutters as a grin spreads across his lips. "I love seeing you this happy Jungkook…but I wouldn't be so fond of her just yet." Jungkook raises an eyebrow at Jimin as he sighs with unease. "There is something that Hoseok found out this morning about Jin and (Y/N)…and I don't really think you're going to like it." Jungkook stares at Jimin with hooded eyes. His jaw tightens as he grinds his teeth in thought. "Where's Hoseok?"
"He's downstairs eating breakfast with the rest of the crew."
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"I actually liked Seokjin. It's honestly such a pity." Taehyung chuckles as he chews obnoxiously loud on his blueberry pancakes. "We were pretty close in college," Jimin says pouting slightly. "So how are you planning on killing them Jungkook?" Jungkook barely grazes his food as he stares at his plate lost for words. The whole table is tense and Jimin exhales in discomfort for what felt like the 10th time that morning. “I can’t believe they work for Namjoon of all people.” Yoongi murmurs after downing his glass of orange juice. “Yeah, Namjoon has been investigating the Jeon family for years. Wasn’t he the one to place both you and your dad in jail before? He’s a really good detective.” Taehyung murmurs as he continues to chew his food. “(Y/N) must be a good detective too if she’s working for him. Namjoon is a perfectionist.” Yoongi adds as he glances at Jungkook with a raised eyebrow. “If they didn’t work for Namjoon, Jungkook probably would of let them go…” Hoseok smirks as he stares at Jungkook, who glares back at him in response. “What are you gonna do Jungkook?”
Jungkook couldn't help but feel disappointed but he didn't really know what he was expecting from you anyway. Even if you didn't lie to him, why would someone like you want to be someone as messed up like him? Jungkook wanted you though and that was something he couldn't completely deny. "Don't tell me you got a little crush on the detective?" Yoongi mumbles playing with his breakfast. "Hey, she was hot though." Taehyung states chuckling which causes an irk of irritation to bubble in Jungkook. "Jungkook…don't forget that she works for Namjoon," Hoseok states as he observes Jungkook's conflicted appearance. "I know that." He mutters before abruptly standing onto his feet. "Hoseok give me a copy of her details. I'm going to handle her myself."
“Whatever you say, Bro.”
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"Wow, Namjoon can be so scary sometimes," Jin mutters as he is driving you home. "I can't believe its Jungkook. I knew he was messed up but not that messed up. It was kind of awkward after you left the club with him. Jimin had this weird change in personality and the others just kept snorting cocaine and getting drunk. I'm honestly surprised they didn't die of alcohol poisoning." You glance out the car window not really in the mood to be talking about last night. "Let's just not talk about last night." You murmur resting your chin on the palm of your hand. "Okay…But I'm curious to know how you and Jungkook left together last night." Your breath hitches your throat at Jin's words. “Please...let’s just drop this conversation.” You murmur as you watch Jin glance down at your phone charging in his car.
"I think your phones vibrating (Y/N)," Jin says not taking his eyes off the road and you nod your head in response even though he couldn't see you. Someone was calling you on no caller id and you were praying it wasn't a scammer or something to annoy you even more than you already were at that very moment.
“Hello?”
"Hey, babe…I missed you this morning." Your eyes widen in shock at the sound of the familiar pet name and husky voice belonging to the very person that was occupying your thoughts.
"J-Jungkook?" You exclaim and Jin swerves on the road. "WHAT? JUNGKOOK? AS IN JEON JUNGKOOK!?" Jin exclaims and you glare at him while placing an index finger against your lip to shush him in response. "It's me, baby. It's so good hearing your voice. I'm getting hard just remembering you screaming my name over and over again last night…" Your face flushes at his shameless response and Jin looks at you mortified. You open and close your mouth not really knowing how to respond to his lewd comment. "I owe you a shirt and don’t forget that you owe me morning sex." Jungkook chuckles. Your fingers clench your phone harder in response. "I-I-Jungkook- Forget about the shirt and I-I don't really owe you anything…"
"Is something wrong (Y/N)? Is there a reason you left so hastily this morning?" The questions catches you even more off guard and when you don't reply he breaks the awkward silence with a chilling laugh. "I supposed you don't owe me morning sex but it really is a pity…I really wanted to get my hands on you and pleasure you past your breaking point just like how I did last night…I know you want me (Y/N) …However, it really is a shame that you do in fact owe me one important explanation…"
"Explanation? I-I don't know what you are talking about." You hurriedly say to him with your chest squeezing in agony. "Tsk, Tsk. Playing dumb now, are we? Oh, beautiful (Y/n). What am I going to do with you?" You gulp embarrassingly loudly as you ponder over his words. He didn’t know you were a detective? Did he?
Jin glances at you multiple times, his grip on the steering wheel tightening. You glance at Jin in distress. "Jungkook…H-How did you even get my number?" There is a slight pause on the line before he exhales in annoyance.
“Listen, I’ll be frank with you (Y/N). I know that both you and Jin lied to me last night. I just want you to know that you ought to be careful when playing in my wicked games…who will win I wonder?”
You feel your breathing become heavier as he sighs into the phone. "Be very careful baby girl. You shouldn't be messing with the wrong kind of people. It will be a shame if something bad was to happen to you. We wouldn't want you getting hurt now do we?"
You hang up abruptly. Your chest contorting painfully as become overcome with emotion. Jin is the first person to break the silence by clearing his throat. "So…you and Jungkook really did hook up last night?" You exhale quietly, in a pathetic attempt to calm your nerves before glancing at him gloomily.
"Yes, Jin…We hooked up."
The silence returns as Jin averts his gaze back on the road. You watch him silently as he presses his lips tightly together face looking like he was deep in thought. His index fingers tap lightly on the steering wheel as he puckers his lips. You knew that familiar cheeky expression on his face.
“So…” He starts glancing back at you with a not so discrete smirk forming on his handsome face. “Was he good at least?”
"KIM SEOKJIN!"
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You have never felt so physically and mentally exhausted as you enter your home, nearly dropping dead asleep on the hard floor. First, you had endured everything that has happened with Jungkook and then has to survive Jin's teasing the whole drive home. You slept for a solid 3 hours before you were stirred awake from the ringing coming off your phone. You groan as you groggily search for your phone by tapping on your bed with your eyes closed. Once you made contact with it, you answered it without even bothering to look at the caller id. “Hello?” You sleepily respond, getting agitated by the silence coming from the other end.
“Hello-“
“Open your front door, sweetheart.”
Your eyes widened at the sound of Jungkook’s voice. Your whole body jolting forward now fully awake. “Jungkook-“
You were interrupted by the sound of beeping. He had hung up on you. You grew tense as you debated whether or not to open your front door or contact someone for help. There was a subtle knock on the door which made you flinch in fear. You quietly crawled out of bed, rushing to your side table, opening the top drawer to grab your handgun which was fully loaded. You were trained for these sort of events. You crept towards your front door, holding your pistol in both hands. You were silently baffled by the absence of a shadow outside your front door. Your heart races as you felt the adrenaline kick in. Your grips on the door handle it tight and you say a quick prayer before swinging the door open and pointing your gun to nothing. You stood there with your hands trembling as you scan your surroundings completely bewildered at no one being in sight. You keep your gun in your hands as you step forward eyes landing on a single package in front of you. You peer at the package with suspicion as you read the note stuck on the front.
“I hope you like your new shirt baby girl. I had to get you only the finest of quality. Think of me.”
- Jeon Jungkook
The call with Jungkook leaves you feeling scared and exhausted. Only he could play with your emotions as much as he did. He even had the nerve to write ‘Think of me,’ at the end as if you weren’t thinking about him enough already. One minute he was making you drown in pleasure the next minute he leaves you sobbing in fear on your cold bathroom floor. Only a few hours after you got home a package came from Jungkook with a brand new designer dress shirt in your exact size. The shirt is branded and is something that you have never ever imagined yourself owning. Not only did he have your number, he knew where you lived as well. How he got his hands on this information makes you terrified.
“What the fuck are you playing at Jeon Jungkook?”
After the package came you decide to call Jin and let him know of the events that have happened tonight. Jin was apologetic, to say the least after informing you that he was at the hospital with his girlfriend who was experiencing immense pain in her abdomen and couldn't stay the night with you. You felt your heart race as you told him it was fine and that you were fine when you really weren't. Hanging up the phone you open your laptop instead, reading through every one of Jungkook's suspected murder cases. You felt a panic attack start to happen as you felt emotionally wrecked. The gruesome details of what he has done to his victims has you feeling nauseous. You weren't as terrified of the thought of Jungkook harming you as terrified as you were at the thought of yourself having some deep feelings for him. You almost felt emotionally attached to him and in a way, you haven't felt towards anyone else before.
"Am I spending the night?" You ask cautiously and Jungkook's rested eyes fluttered open quickly after those words leave your lips. "Yeah. I don't want you going anywhere."
Thoughts of Jungkook comes to you in waves as you retrace the places Jungkook kissed and caressed on your body. You are almost breathless as run your needy fingers over the parts of your body that showed attention which was almost every part of your body. You felt a familiar heat rush to your core and you tried your hardest to resist touching yourself at the thought of him pleasuring you. You exhale in shakily as you slide your fingers inside your shorts. Right before you could circle your clit there was a slight knock to at your door. You are startled when a knock at your door pulls you of your thoughts. You quickly remove your hand that was inside your shorts. Your thoughts become clouded as you swing your legs over the side of your bed. Your feet padded on the ground quietly as you make your way to the front door. It could be Jin and (B/F/N) but as your hand makes contact with the door handle and you pause in your tracks. What if it was Jungkook?
You are frantically rushing back to your room to grab your hand pistol when there is another knock at the door. Swallowing your fear you grasp onto your pistol with trembling hands. You hurriedly rush back to open the door, you point your gun at the persons face and you are wide-eyed at the sight of Jungkook standing leisurely at your front door wearing a suit. He is wearing an even fancier looking suit than last time, which looks absolutely dashing on him. He smirks when he sees your stern face. You almost falter at his gorgeous appearance. Your hands shaking at you point your gun at him. "What the fuck are you doing here?" You question him breathlessly and Jungkook chuckles quietly. "I came to see you of course," Jungkook answers you with a laid-back demeanour, not even a little bit fazed by your gun is pointed at his face. "J-Jungkook…" You stammer as he steps forward. "You look just as inviting as the first night I met you," Jungkook says sighing quietly as his eyes roam your appearance. You weren’t wearing anything fancy. Just a t-shirt and a pair of comfortable short shorts that you wear to bed. You almost blush in embarrassment at how underdressed you were compared to his attire. "Absolutely gorgeous." You flush at his compliment your stern expression cracking as you falter under his intense gaze. "Leave here! Before I-I shoot you. I won’t hesitate to shoot." Your attempt at scaring him didn't seem to work as he chuckles again this time a little louder as he lunges towards you. You pull the trigger missing him as he lifts your hands above your head. Your eyes widen in shock at his speed. His hold on your arms begins to ache as he squeezes your flesh tightly.
"AH! Let go of me!" You cry out in pain as Jungkook walks you backwards, back into your home. He kicks your door close with his foot as he steps inside. Your hold on the gun becomes weak and Jungkook hits it out of your hands. You yelp in fear as you watch the handgun slide across your living room. "That's not how you greet someone baby girl." You struggle in his hold and Jungkook exhales in annoyance. "LET ME GO! YOU-YOU MURDER!" Your words make Jungkook heart twinge in pain and he glares at you with hooded eyes. His jaw tensing as he pushes you down onto your couch. "L-Let me go! Get off of me!" You screech, feeling warm tears slide down your cheeks. “Just leave me alone!”Jungkook's eyes widened at the sight of your tears, your face contorting in pain. His hold on your wrists loosens slightly as he stares at you dejectedly. "J-Jungkook…" You whisper as he moves his face closer to yours. You stare at him wide-eyed as the tears stop running down your face. "J-Jungkook what-" You watch his handsome face inch closer as the familiar smell of his cologne sets you surprisingly at ease. He shushes you and you watch him completely mesmerised as his thumb soothes the skin at your wrists that had a red mark on them from him squeezing your wrists too tightly.
"I'm sorry…" He whispers before pressing his lips to yours. It takes you a moment to realise that he was kissing you. You stop struggling altogether as you slowly close your eyes shut, completely immersing yourself into the kiss. His taste and the familiar sensation of his lips on your own has you seeing stars. You felt warmth rush to your heat and he deepens the kiss when he realises you weren't going to resist. He smiles against your lips and you feel your heart flutter at the action. When you both pull apart he peers at you with a surprising soft expression. You scan his face, taking in every single detail you possibly could and imprinting it into your mind. "(Y/N)…" The way he says your name makes you weak and you look up at him curiously. "Yes?" You whisper, unconsciously smiling as Jungkook intertwines his fingers with yours. He looks conflicted as he debates whether or not to continue with what he was about to say. You usher him on by tightening your hold on his hands. Jungkook looks down at you surprised by your actions and you force a small smile up at him in response.
"I-I think I'm in love with you." He confesses just above a whisper and you feel butterflies begin to form in your stomach as he presses another soft kiss to your temple. "I can't stop thinking about you…" He continues eyes taking in your appearance as you look up at him nervously. "I-I have done a lot of bad things in the past to both men and women. I know you know about everything that I have done and I am not mad at you for resenting me because of it…I thought about everything and I thought about you." His words make your eyes water as you let him continue quietly. "I-I love you. So I'm not going to hurt you…but I do need one favour from you." You raise an eyebrow at him confused by his words. Jungkook waits for you to respond and you ponder over his words feeling nervous over what that favour could be. "And what exactly would that favour be?" You ask trying your best not to stutter and he smiles down at you sorrowfully. His expression is similar to the one he was making when he was having a nightmare the night before and it was painful enough to make your heartbreak. "What is it Jungkook?" You ask quietly waiting patiently for him to respond. "I need you to be the one to kill me." Jungkook's words leave you speechless and you felt your heart constrict in your chest painfully. "W-What?" You ask praying that you heard him wrong.
"I don't see any other way around it (Y/N)…If I get caught by police I'll serve multiple life sentences, or get sentenced to death either way…I don't care if I die. I do not value my life but I value yours. I don't want you to lose your job and If I am going to die anyway I need you to be the one to kill me. Please (Y/N)…Kill me. Put me out of my misery. I don't want to hurt anymore."
You both stare at each other silently, you feel tears stream down your face as you untangle your hands from Jungkook’s. Jungkook’s eyes widen in shock and disappointment but that is quick to change as you wrap your arms around his neck instead. “Let’s just not talk about this right now…Just please kiss me Jungkook." You bring his face closer to yours and you passionately press your lips against his. His lips curl into a smile as he kisses you back with just as much passion. As you both continue to lip lock, your thoughts drift. Jungkook had everything. He was smart, good-looking, wealthy, practically good at everything he did and he even had lots of friends. Even people like him can be unhappy and that was a huge eye opener for you. You weren't the only one suffering, even people like Jungkook had their own fair share of problems. Pushing his past mistakes aside for the moment, all you wanted right now was the comfort and you wanted nothing more than to comfort him too. You despised yourself but it looks like Jungkook despised himself even more.
“Can I stay the night?” Jungkook whispers against your lips and you nod eagerly. “Please don’t go anywhere.” You whisper back before smiling up at him. “Stay with me.” Jungkook kisses you fervently, your tongues meeting and his hands run down your body. The familiarity of the situation makes you feel hot and anticipating eagerly for what’s to come. It was the same Jungkook just this time he was being more gentle. His hands slide up your shirt and he groans into your mouth at the feeling of your bare breasts. “I want to put my arms around you. I want to hold you.” Jungkook murmurs against your lips as he kisses jaw and trails wet kisses down your neck. “Look at you. You look so pretty with my marks all over your body. Do you know you left scratches on my back too?” He smirks at the sight of the hickeys he left the night before. “Fuck…” Jungkook growls feeling his heart race as he retraces his steps and you want nothing more than to feel him buried inside you. “You left way too many marks, you idiot.” Jungkook chuckles sweetly and you grin down at him as he curls his fingers at the bottom of your shirt. “Lift your arms up beautiful.” You smile at his command and lift your hands up, so he could easily tug your shirt off your body. He groans at the sight of your naked chest. “I love everything about you.” Your nipples perky and breasts covered in his love bites. He is quick to latch onto your right nipple, his other hand grabbing and fondling with the other. You moan shamelessly loud as he gives the other the same attention. He is unfazed by your hands grabbing at his locks and he smirks against your chest. “Just like that baby. Let me hear you. Let me hear how good I’m making you feel.”
"Jungkook, please…I need you." Jungkook growls as he kisses his way to the waistband of your shorts. "F-Fuck… you're so fucking hot." He groans as he pulls both your shorts and panties off in one swift motion. You are laying there completely bare below him and his eyes filled with lust as you sit up to tug off his blazer and unbutton his white collared shirt. “What’s the rush sweetheart?” Jungkook chuckles at your eagerness and helps you unbutton his shirt. “I can’t be the only one naked.” You flush under his intense gaze and he shrugs everything off besides his tie. You unbuckle his belt and pull down the zipper of his dress pants and he stands up momentarily to tug his pants and underwear off. Your mouth waters at the sight of his thick and long length. You still can’t get over his size. He winks at you teasingly before tugging his shoes and socks off his feet. You tug him back down onto you with a pull to his tie and he bites his lips at your sexy appearance and actions. You make him sit on the couch as you straddle him keenly. Jungkook lets you push him down and he grabs your hips.
“Fuck baby are you going to ride me?” Jungkook smirks as you look up at him through your lashes. Your fingers are wrapped with his tie as you align him to your entrance with your other free hand. Your wetness starts coating Jungkook’s length and Jungkook groans at the feeling. “Are you sure you don’t want me to eat you out?” Jungkook asks stroking a hand over your thigh. Making goose bumps appear on the skin he caresses. The offer was so tempting but you were in desperate need of his cock stretching you out more than anything. “No. I just really want your cock.” You teasingly murmur, causing Jungkook to bite down hard onto his bottom lip.“Fuck, take my cock baby. It’s all yours.” You pressed together chest to chest and you feel your sensitive nipples make contact with his strong muscular chest. You both moan loudly as you sink down on him. You take a moment to adjust to his size. The stretch is incredible. Jungkook peers at you with lust filled eyes.
“S-Shit.” Jungkook huskily moans as your mouth hangs open. He bites onto your neck and you hold onto his shoulders tightly. "You are so fucking tight." He groans throwing his head back as he holds your hips. "And you're so fucking big." You moan as you start to bounce. Jungkook eggs you on by meeting your hips with his thrusts from below. You feel his length stretching you out deliciously and Jungkook loves the way your sucking him right back up. You continue riding him sensually and Jungkook moans as you tighten around him surprising fast. "F-Fuck you feel so good." Jungkook groans and you nod your head as he meets your thrusts. You gyrate your hips as he hits your spot every single time. You feel your orgasm approaching and he uses his thumb to rub at your clit. You shudder and tremble as you become overwhelmed in familiar pleasure. “Fuck Jungkook!” You cry out in pleasure as your orgasm hits you hard. He holds you steady as you began to quiver uncontrollably in pleasure. Jungkook feels himself chase his own orgasm at the sight of your orgasm and he growls before pulling his length out of you and releasing all over your stomach. You both pant against each other. Your gaze locked on each other. You feel emotions build up in your chest as the adoration you already felt for him starts to grow.
You sit on top of him as you catch your breath. You watch Jungkook's chest rise and fall as he breathlessly chuckles. You smile down at him chuckling with him. Your hand still wrapped in his tie. Jungkook's grip on either side of your hips loosens as he watches you with hooded eyes. "I'm not gonna lie…" You say kissing Jungkook softly on his swollen lips. "I'm kind of liking this wicked game of yours. Even if it does end up killing me."
✎ to be continued ...
Masterlist
#btsguild#kloversnet#vocalkingsnet#gguknet#btscreatorsnet#jungkook#jeongguk#smut#jeon jungkook#jeon jeongguk#mafia au#jungkook mafia au#drug dealer#jeon jeongguk drug dealer#jeon jeongguk mafia au#jeon jeongguk mafia#mafia#reader#jungkook x reader#jeongguk x reader#jungkook x reader smut#jeongguk x reader smut#bts jungkook#bts jeongguk#jeongguk imagine#jungkook imagine#imagine#jungkook fic#jeongguk fic#jungkook scenario
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Friendly Neighborhood Peter-Man (marvelbingo2019)
Prompt: Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man
Summary: “Oh, do that one next,” Gamora said, pointing to the thumbnail of another generically named After Dentist Wisdom Teeth Removal - lolololol video that looked promising.
From what she understood, the human boy sitting beside her was extremely technologically adept by Terran standards, and the planet as a whole had made large technological advancements since the 1980s, including the touch pad screen that they were watching videos on now.
The Avenger’s Peter looked remarkably similar to her own Peter, and she half wondered if her Peter looked the same when he was 17. He was the youngest Avenger she had met, and by far the most enthusiastic about her and the other Guardians being aliens.
All of his teammates were released from the medical facility by now, but still he chose to just hang out with Gamora, asking her lots of questions between the funny videos.
(The story of how Peter Parker bonds with Gamora by showing her youtube videos of people high after dental operations, and their resulting friendship. Also, Peter Quill is accidentally exposed to what’s basically space catnip in the background, but that’s neither here nor there.)
AO3 Link
_________
Friendly Neighborhood Peter-Man ________
Gamora wasn’t sure how long it would take for the effects to wear off. It’s not like Quill ingested the alien fauna. He was just rolling around in it… for goodness knows how long. He seemed to be having a good time, though.
Just rolling around on the bed and swatting at the air, having the time of his life doing absolutely nothing- as far as accidental exposure to mind altering substances, this didn’t seem too bad.
After 30 minutes of watching him be an adorable dork and flipping out in a funny way, pretty much all her concern for him had worn off. He even sounded all loopy as he swatted at the air, giggling and telling Gamora to come over (which she had stopped doing after the second time, telling him she could see fine from where she was sitting, because Peter was high out of his mind so entertained by literally nothing). It was only a few more minutes before he forgot and tried to call her over again, holding in his snickers, she just shook her head and went back to reading her book in the chair. Just in case he needed adult supervision. He was pretty occupied for the time being, though. It was almost adorable, how good of a mood he was in- albeit a loopy, giggly mood.
It was like- what was that Terran substance? Laughing gas.
One of the Avengers health care facilities had treated the Guardians after the battle on earth- Gamora didn’t know why she kept chuckling from the sweet smelling air- like bubblegum, that Terran candy that tasted and smelled so good (that you apparently weren’t supposed to swallow, that Gamora kept swallowing anyway, no matter how many times Peter told her you were supposed to chew it and spit it out).
It affected Peter more heavily, the doctors saying it was the safest option for the procedures on their various injuries, since it was less potent than the normal human anesthetics. Just to be safe, for the biological difference.
Apparently, being an anesthesiologist was a profession on earth, and none of the specialists felt comfortable guessing how much of the heavy duty Terran drugs to give aliens to numb them or knock them out but not kill them.
Peter was happy and had a very good time on that laughing gas. It wore off on her first, but it was still funny watching him talk nonsense and laugh and just being all silly.
Plus the little Peter man, man spider showed her many funny videos of humans online after being put on such substances for tooth operations, and they were hilarious. ______
“Oh, do that one next,” Gamora said, pointing to the thumbnail of another generically named After Dentist Wisdom Teeth Removal - lolololol video that looked promising. Thanks to her mods and the human doctors treatments, she had recovered quite quickly, but of course the Guardian’s half human leader was taking much longer to heal.
From what she understood, the human boy sitting beside her was extremely technologically adept by Terran standards, and that the planet as a whole had made large technological advancements since the 1980s, including the touch pad screen that they were watching videos on now.
The Avenger’s Peter looked remarkably similar to her own Peter, and she half wondered if her Peter looked the same when he was 17. He was the youngest Avenger she had met, and by far the most enthusiastic about her and the other Guardians being aliens. All of his teammates were released from the medical facility by now, but still he chose to just hang out with Gamora, asking her lots of questions between the funny videos.
“Is it like- bad, if I ask you what species you are?” He even chattered like Quill too, rambling and adorably wide eyed, so excited by the prospect of getting to know an actual real life alien. “I don’t know if that’s like offensive or not- sorry if it is, I’m kinda new to stuff around here- like intergalactic visitors, so my bad if-”
“It is fine,” Gamora assured him, smiling at the sigh of relief he let out that he had not inadvertently offended her. “I am Zehoberei. Our species is similar, from what I understand. Need an oxygen rich atmosphere to breathe- though my home planet did have a higher oxygen content than earth seems to. The difference is negligible, but noticeable. I can survive much longer floating in dead space without a suit than any human would be able to. Some of that is biology, some of that is from my mods.” She paused, looking around to see if anyone was close enough to overhear. Satisfied that they were reasonably alone, she whispered conspiratorially, “Is this Missouri?”
Peter’s eyes widened, and for a second Gamora was worried it really was a stupid question (why she hadn’t bothered to ask any of the other Terrans she had met so far).
“Oh! No, no, no, this is New York,” he explained quickly. “But we’re in the same country. New York and Missouri are both in the US- so like, we’re in the same territory? It would take hours to fly to Missouri from here though- on a normal, boring plane. A spaceship would probably get there faster. Is Missouri like famous in space?”
Gamora shook her head. “It is where our Peter is from. He was born here and lived in Missouri before he was abducted by Ravagers as a child. Er, space pirates.” She pointed to Peter’s medical room, right across from the comfy seats they had out here in the hall.
“Ohhh, Footloose guy,” Peter Parker nodded sagely. Then his head shot up, as if just processing something. “Wait, alien abductions are actually real?”
Gamora tilted her head, considering his question. She didn’t want to mislead the boy, but she was uncertain that her answer was to the question the boy was actually asking. She’s pretty sure she’s heard her Peter say the words ‘alien abduction’ as, like, a phrase. She thinks maybe it is a thing- on Terra, that it refers to a specific phenomenon or event that is some human zeitgeist, rather than what the two words literally mean.
“Not quite, I don’t think. Peter might be a special case. Terra is not something of interest to most of the galaxy, and interplanetary travel regulations keep your planet fairly isolated. But Peter is only half human- his mother is from earth, but his father was an alien. It is a long story, but his father hired the Rav- space pirates to come to earth and pick Peter up when he was a child. I can only speak to the veracity of half humans being abducted by aliens from Missouri on behalf of their alien father. That didn’t really go according to plan anyway.” ______
Gamora was surprised and pleased when the smaller Peter asked about her culture. She didn’t have much to tell him, little bits and pieces she remembered from her childhood, but it was nice to share them. She’s only shared stories about her people with the other Guardians before- no one else had ever asked. Not on Terra, Xandar, Vanaheim, Ria, or any other planet for that matter.
In the many weeks since she has been on earth, Peter Parker is the first human to ask her about Zen-Whoberi. Not just what species she is, or what planet she is from (she has fielded some of those questions from the Avengers), but asking her what it is like, what language she speaks, if Gamora is a common name (“Like Peter,” he jokes, nodding off to the half human who shared his name), what it was like growing up, if she had any brothers or sisters, what school was like-
She deflects some of his questions, asking him what his school is like, rather than admitting that Zen-Whoberi is destroyed, that she was too young to remember if they even had something like schools, much less what she would have learned in one.
He goes on to tell her about his physics class, someone named Ned (A best friend, not another superhero), a girl named Michelle (“who’s like, so totally cool” Peter explains), and she listens with interest about the life of a sometimes superhero sometimes highschool student who saves the world and sometimes just the neighborhood.
It is nice. He has so much energy when he talks, almost tripping over his own words sometimes, but he’s so bright eyed and overwhelmingly earnest, and that is a good thing, Gamora thinks. ______
It had been almost a year since the Guardians had last been to earth.
Peter was still in a similar mood to the happy laughing gas mood she remembered from that trip, though his chuckles seem to have died down. He seemed to be a bit more lucid now than he did on the gas too. So silly but lucid.
Maybe it had started to wear off- she still didn’t trust him to be alone right now, but she had her book, and he wasn’t causing any problems.
Gamora made a mental note to maybe pick something up from the next placed they stopped- something small and interesting that she could give to her little friend Peter man as a souvenir from an alien planet. A rock or stone, perhaps, with color shifting properties that didn’t exist on earth. Maybe the next time the Guardians made port for a supply run, she could find something at one of the intergalactic markets. Maybe a couple of things, something for his friend- Ned, too. And that girl Michelle he seemed to like. Gamora could get him a really cool knife to give to her as a gift- a cool knife from an alien planet.
Every girl deserved a cool knife.
Yup, Gamora was definitely making a pit stop and picking up some gifts for the little Peter man and all his spider friends.
#marvelbingo2019#gamora#peter parker#peter quill#spiderman#guardians of the galaxy#mcu fanfiction#starmora#gotg fic#marvel#some spideychelle#fanfic#my gotg fics#my fic
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Introducing me(us???)?
Ok no that's a terrible freaking title. We are not the jonas brothers.
Who's we? Haha honestly I'm not even sure anymore. This is a hard one to write because I literally don"t tell anyone about my "inner world" which is why I'm keeping my blog anonymous for now .
I guess I'm just a wierd human with a messed up brain that has no reason to be messed up. I'm in the process of figuring it all out .
Long story short "we" is me and my ... I'm not sure what to call them I used to think they were just imaginary freinds , but they have become something so much more real.
I remember being 5 years old and having imaginary freinds like any other child. I cant remember much but I'm pretty sure my home life was perfect. I have an amazing mum and dad and even had two grandparents at the time. I remember happiness and my cat who really wasnt a fan of me , but I adored her regardless , even if she did end up scratching the living hell out of me on many occasions. My main issue at the time was serious separation anxiety, I couldn't handle being away from my parents , it got better towards the end of the school year I think after a lot of spending most of the year screaming until my dad would pick me up. I found it hard making freinds as I was somewhat anti social and liked playing on my own often, but I found a freind in the end. I think we got on so well cause she was different too. Turned out she had Autism, something that I'll probably talk about a lot here. Anyway as I said back then was when I first remember having imaginary freinds , and constantly daydreaming . I used to watch my dad play video games a lot so a lot of my daydreams would be based off the video games . At the time It was perfectly fine. I was just a strange kid who had an over active imagination, zoned out a lot in school , and often enjoyed my own company, but couldn't understand why my peers didnt like the antisocial wierd kid. I remember getting teased as I have a harmless autoimmune skin condition that I developed aged 3 and I felt alienated for it . The serious bullying didnt start until later in primary school though .(I think age 11 or thereabouts, was when shit really hit the fan) Anyway the imaginary freinds were originally just that . Unfortunately things changed when my one freind from school left and moved across the country. I had no freinds so that's where I began to use my imaginary freinds to replace real people. By the time I was 13 I'd almost completely isolated myself , I didnt know how to interact with real people.
I eventually thought I'd got it all under control . I found a group of people that were all a bit wierd. Originally it was cool and I fit in okay.
When I went to sixth form college, stuff started to get weirder though. I'd been struggling throughout secondary school I'd spent a lot of time kind of going back into my alternate reality . Even at freinds parties I used to pretend that I was a different person in my alternate reality doing something with my inner world family. I mentioned it once or twice to someone at CAHMS (The british child mental health services) that I was seeing as I'd struggled a lot with anxiety and self harm , but I never wanted to be fully honest about it . I was embarrassed.
Aged 12 I remember "pretending" to be a character called Casey. At the time I was spending a lot of time pretending I was Kasey and I was making a talk show with my other imaginary freinds . Eventually another character called Paulie took Casey's place .
Paulie's whole existence is kinda embarrassing. They're a typical queer cringe OC That you know a 14 year old neurodivergent weirdo would make up. I kind of originally used them as a way to explore my special interests. And to understand things about the world . In many ways Paulie was kind of a reflection of myself and you know everything was fine . Paulie is a 5ft7 young non binary person . Born male but definitely presents more feminine. Some of the other details about them came from me incorporating things I'd learned from various medical documentaries and things I'd researched on the internet. (One of my special interests always was science , particularly biology, when I was young I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet or something like that. I dont know why I find it so fascinating. It's kind of my party trick - boring people with the details of a random medical condition that they absolutely did not ask for.) I'll go into full details at some point . I find it kind of embarrassing to talk about it all.
Anyway It used to be great we used to pretend to do makeup on our youtube channel that of course did not exist .(the deeper I get into this the more I want to delete my life) it became to the point where I was doing daily "vlogs" in the inner world as Paul , again just something I day dreamed about. It was getting beyond the limits of normal daydreaming.
At some point I came across a video about "Maladaptive daydreaming " for once in my life I didnt feel quite so alone. I couldn't believe that I wasnt the only one who did this! Ever since then I've toyed with the idea of opening up about it , maybe through some sort of blog or youtube video etc. However, I wasn't ready until now. I'm still not ready to be completely open with my freinds and family (the one person who even knows 1/3 of this stuff is my mum) which is why I'll remain anonymous for now .
In the last 2 years things have gotten increasingly more strange and confusing. When I was in sixth form college (british equivalent of high school) Paulie started to be kind of phased out of my daydreams. Then Eric showed up.
Again , it was just daydreaming that had gone a bit too far at this point, however I soon realised that my personality appeared to have changed to become much more like Eric. I stopped wearing makeup so often. I began to feel dysphoric about my body , I began to wish I was Eric.
From then it's just been confusing. It's never just been Paul , Casey or Eric . At first i thought I'd just made an imaginary family. I've been saying that I have literally no idea why because my family are great. But I wonder if it was because I lost my nan and then metaphorically lost my dad.
My dads not dead , hes alive (just about I mean he smokes like a chimney so it's probably only a matter of time) Our relationship is so wierd. I try to be grateful for him purely because hes not a completely bad person. He gave me a great childhood and has never laid a finger on me. But when I was about 13 , I lost him. He became self absorbed in his own past.
Around about that time one of my dads ex freinds died. Since then dads been remembering things from his past and is convinced that this ex freind emotionally abused him and traumatised him for life.
Hes told me the stories so many times because hes so caught up in it that I should probably remember more of what he told me but honestly I think after the third time I just gave up with talking to him. Dad never cares about what you're talking about . He only cares about himself.
I'll spare you the details for now. Maybe I'll make a post about it. I suppose that's his shit not mine though . I dont deny that his ex freind wasnt exactly nice to him and cheated him out of a relationship. But I just feel like he should maybe you know go to therapy rather than sitting at home , freeloading from my mum , mumbling to himself all day about things that happened in the past.
Its very selfish of me because I know even though dads not exactly had the worst life, and he is a little bit of a narcissist who thinks that hes had the worst life possible , I know hes hurting. But I used to have a dad , now hes just not there. We used to do stuff , and I used to adore him, However hes just not my dad anymore. Theres glimmers of him there . But hes so entangled with the past , (and also a bit delusional) that I cant have a normal father daughter relationship with him anymore.
I guess maybe the combo of that , the strain its put on my parents marriage (they're still together but they argue more now) and the fact that I'm a sensitive little snowflake who really cant deal with anything unpleasant, is the reason I created my imaginary family. I don't know if I want to put it down to that though. I feel like that makes me sound like my dad , blaming my problems on what feels like insignificant past events.
Anyway. I kind of hate the fact that I have another family on the inner world. Because even though my dads a bit of an asshat , hes my dad and as a multitude of people have told me " at least you have a dad , at least your parents are still together" and I adore my mum. Like shes as close to a perfect mum as you get in this world. Of course she has off days and it's not always sunshine and rainbows , but shes amazing. She loves me , she supports me through everything and she does so much for me. No matter how many times I screw up she just sighs and helps me move on. Mind you. I havent got anyone quite like her in the inner world.
Since I've been more honest with myself (and the boys) about the fact that I am in fact daydreaming and its not real , the boys have begun to accept my mum as their own almost. Obviously they have real mums, but I know they love her to pieces.
Anyway, so this big imaginary family. Has become more than that. A lot of the dudes are still just imaginary freinds but with a few of the boys , whom I've introduced you to two out of the three, have become scarily real. Eric is the main one. The last couple of years it's progressed to the point where sometimes , I'm not sure if I am me or if I am Eric , or if Eric is me. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in his voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. And sometimes he looks in the mirror and sees me. I think as Paul was so feminine. It didn't show so much. We could just pretend we were me on the outside. But when Eric is in my headspace, I hate my feminine body, I've bought a binder and my wardrobe is becoming less feminine. Because I just dont feel like the same person. I'm honestly so confused I really dont know what is going on or why it's happening.
In some ways the inner world is still just me navigating the world and my way of making sense of things. But it's also kind of like , parts of my personality, as little people that live in my brain , but not quite , I cannot begin to explain it .
And then of course, just when I'm trying to figure out the Eric saga and who the hell I even am anymore, Vlad pops up.
I'll always have a soft spot for Vlad. Hes Paul's older brother and has been in the inner world for quite some time , but has been more I suppose, in my headspace as I call it in the last six months or so. Hes the only one that I've managed to do a successful drawing of thus far although I'll try and do some of the other dudes at some point. Only issue is Vlad would much rather we doodle bugs than the other boys. Vlad has been my way of exploring the whole prospect of having Autism , I'm not diagnosed yet as the waiting lists are frankly ridiculous (yay for the tories?) but I've based vlads character around the traits that I have, and he helps me not be so ashamed of being neurodivergent. He also kind of helps me deal with my Emetophobia (the fear of vomiting) and my issues I have around food - which I honestly thought weren't that bad until I got told that the issues I've been having with my stomach and swallowing for the last year , are completely down to my anxiety. And it was at that point that I realised I may have been a teensy bit more traumatised by my phobia of vomiting than I originally believed. In fact vlads backstory is based off of my whole fear of being sick and what started it off (that time the norovirus kicked my ass, big time) .
Uhh so theres a bit about us . I'm not ready to fully open up yet . I want to eventually tell you more about the inner world but baby steps hey. I plan on trying to post more but , I'm useless so I wouldn't count on it.
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