#Having some very uncomfortable realisations about myself recently

[usurpator]

?

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey, I really appreciate your answering sex ed questions and was hoping you might be able to help me out. Sorry for the long tmi I'm about to give but I don't know how to ask this except by listing out everything relevant I can think of.

I'm afab (cis-ish in the sense I don't particularly see myself as a woman but don't bother trying to get other people not to, but that isn't really important here) in my mid 20s and a virgin, and I don't know much about sex drive but what I do makes me feel like maybe there's something off about mine? I used to consider myself bi ace until I realised I did feel some degree of physical attraction to women that I don't to men so now I call myself a lesbian but the attraction I feel is still very... vague? Like, I'll see a pretty woman and get some kind of rush of feeling, but it's not really a particularly physical feeling of arousal (though I am autistic so it could be I just don't recognise it as physical because of interoception difficulties), more like... sorry if this is an inappropriate metaphor but. More like the urge to pet a really cute cat. I've made out with women and it felt vaguely nice (certainly nicer than with men which I've also done but it was awkward and vaguely uncomfortable) but no more than that. I don't get anything from my physical partners biting down on my neck or nipples or other common erogenous zones though I feel like they expect me to, and kissing is kind of nice but kissing with tongue feels awful. I'm not sure if I'd ever actually want to have full on sex, the thought of letting someone near my sex organs sounds unpleasant. I sometimes masturbate by rubbing my clit and there's a moment that feels like a climax where it gets really hard and sensitive and I used to think that was an orgasm but reading your recent description of an orgasm I'm actually pretty sure I've never had one. I've never had the urge to stick anything in my vagina, only tried it because I heard if it causes pain it might be a cause for medical concern (it didn't cause pain - it felt kinda nice, not anything special though and certainly not something I'd do without prompting). When I masturbate there's only one specific non sexual scenario that gets me off (though maybe about once a year at most I can successfully get off to sexual scenarios with fictional characters but never with real people and it isn't as effective). I used to masturbate more than I do now (I know it dropping off suddenly can be a cause for medical concern but it wasn't sudden, just spikes of activity getting gradually shorter and rarer - I can think of months when I'd do it every night to fall asleep but those are very much outliers scattered across the years rather than my baseline, which is occasionally doing it absentmindedly while falling asleep but very rarely intensely and on purpose). I probably should have sought out more sex ed at some point but sex just never felt very important to me.

Anyway I guess my question is. Is all this normal? Am I actually ace after all? Do I just have a low sex drive? Is any of this cause for medical concern? Do you have any idea how I might be able to actually get an orgasm, if what I thought was that actually wasn't?

hi anon,

all of this is incredibly normal. what I'm hearing is that you kind of like kissing women and aren't particularly interested in sex? that's awesome. kissing women is great, strongly recommend, and if that's all you're interested in then that's just dandy. no need to pretend to enjoy anything just because a partner expect you to; a polite "no thanks" will suffice, followed by kicking your partner to the curb if they don't listen to the no.

whether or not you call yourself asexual is up to you, that's none of my business and I can't pick for you. there actually isn't a secret barcode hidden somewhere on your body that will reveal your Real True Sexuality, you can just pick whatever words you want that kind of get the gist at any given time. would calling yourself asexual feel nice or helpful to you in anyway? if so, awesome! does it not appeal to you at all? okie dokie! don't do that then.

literally nothing you have described sounds like something that would be cause for medical concern, unless I missed something that's regularly causing you any physical pain or discomfort.

I think focusing on orgasms isn't that important, actually, and you can actually just touch yourself in whatever way you want for as long as it feels good, and then stop when it doesn't!

[kuuverse]

WHEN DESIRING HURTS TOO MUCH - SO YOU ARE LEFT WITH NO CHOICE BUT TO FULFIL UNCONDITIONALLY

I can’t remember the exact quote, and to be frankly honest, I’m too lazy to search it up. But it was Neville who said something along the lines of if you’re hungry enough you’ll fulfil yourself and get what you want. Something along the general gist of that.

You see, I think I’ve realised that dwelling in desire is ‘comforting’. Sure it may not be so, but if the alternative is fulfilling one’s self without conditions or reason being imposed on us, is that really more comfortable than staying in a state we’ve grown all too familiar with?

But eventually the states we wander in, those filled with lack and desire, wanting more but never getting so- the ‘What ifs?’ and the alternative of just staying put in where you are— starts to hurt even more. Then it’s like your soul is being crushed down by the weight of never changing, never experiencing what you want that it hurts too much to not change. When you’ve fallen to the bottom of feeling all this hurt and desire that you can’t hurt and desire anymore- you can only fulfil from here on.

I’d like to talk about a story that happened to me quite recently. I lost my expensive iPad pencil on my school bus. I was terrified, I wanted to draw and now I couldn’t- and I have strict parents who used to as of now, punish me for everything I did wrong, however small, however big. I was filled with these terrifying thoughts of how I’d face my parents, how I’d deal with the loss and it all crushed me so badly I just stopped feeling all the hurt and went, very calmly- “I have my iPad pencil with me.”

It was a simple statement, but I said it with such certainty and conviction there wasn’t any panic left in my body- because there was no panic left for me to be felt. I’d simply accepted that I had my iPad pencil, because the alternative state of lack had grown too uncomfortable to stay in. Then, like magic- my body was gently guided to where my iPad pencil was, and I was reunited with it.

In that moment when my minds already cycled through the state of lack and realising how awful it was, my hunger for better led me no choice but to move states into something better. I fell into myself instead of imposing reason because I was so desperate for an alternative. I couldn’t bear to let myself accept what had just happened, I had to change it, and it had become clear that staying put was infinitely more uncomfortable than changing states.

I think eventually for some of us, we’ll all get to this state where staying put hurts more than finally fulfilling ourselves immediately instead of just hoping for change. Of course it doesn’t take something bad to happen for you to give yourself something good. But as I’ve noticed in a lot of this community and myself, we’ve grown too comfortable in hope and desire. Perhaps for some of us, in order to finally change, we needed to be forced to.

Anyways, thanks for being here to read my rambles. Maybe they opened something up for you!

[toc-the-elder]

Warning: gross sex stuff. And surgery. And very long post.

I just wish someone was there for me through all this surgery bullshit. I need help. I am 99% sure this is what I want and what I desperately need. I have never once in my entire life felt sexually comfortable with anyone. Even when I was having boring "heterosexual" sex with my cisgender girlfriend, I struggled to finish. I tried my best to please her, but I never felt like anything I did pleased me, other than getting her off. And since I began my transition, I've had a lot more sex than before, and the majority of my partners have been guys (still prefer women but whatevs) and I have always felt uncomfortable with it, specifically because of my anatomy. It's always felt wrong. I've always felt like a disappointment. It's always felt like a placeholder, something I must make do with in the interim. And the few sexual partners I've had who haven't been weird about it (the others either being completely fixated on my crotch to an uncomfortable degree, or so squeamish to even have contact with it that we made out at a 45° angle) have been accommodating and have tried their best to satisfy me. And I have been satisfied. Never to completion in a traditional "male" sense, but I certainly had climaxes, something that HRT has blessed me with. But even so, I have never felt truly fulfilled. None of it ever left me without wanting more. I just feel awkward, and often find myself apologising for my own anatomy. And don't get me wrong, I've had great, passionate, satisfying sex from doing it up the bum, but my tolerance for the prep and the pain is rapidly diminishing. I have used toys to get myself off like once in over a year. Not because it no longer gets me off, it just reminds me of my shortcomings as a woman.

And after this most recent relationship thing, I don't think there's any healthy path forward for me sexually without surgery. This isn't working. It just isn't.

And beyond the sexual, just the practicalities make sense to me. I spend all day uncomfortable. I wear three pairs of underwear to try and hide my anatomy and allow me to wear clothes that let me feel confident. It takes me like 10 minutes to take a piss because I have to make sure the tuck is gonna be comfortable for the foreseeable future. Half the time, if a chair is just slightly at the wrong angle, just sitting down is painful and uncomfortable. And I hate it.

I haven't been swimming in 14 years. It began as a means of hiding my scars, but now it's just because I don't want people staring at my crotch.

I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate having my incredible figure punctuated by this ugly flap of meat hanging off of it. It makes me not want to be seen naked, even when I am home alone.

I want to be comfortable, be it in bed with someone, or just in my own pants, and I don't see a path to that eventuality without surgery.

But with all the above said, what if I'm wrong?

What if I make this decision, and as soon as I'm out of the OR, I realise I've made a huge mistake? What if I regret it a decade from now? What if I regret it in two?

My transition has been a long series of final decisions, but not all of them are as final as others. Sure, boobs are somewhat permanent, but I could always get a mastectomy if I changed my mind. Sure, changing my name was permanent, but I could change it back if I wanted to. Sure, getting a gender recognition certificate would be permanent, but how often is anyone gonna see my birth certificate anyways? My social transition is pretty permanent, but I could theoretically swallow my shame and walk it back if it came to it. But surgery... That's something different, something completely unreversible in every sense of the word.

And as absolutely sure as I am with this surgical path forward, the physically permanent nature of it still has me hesitating. And it's not like I'm hesitating out of some hidden desire to use my junk in the traditional "male" manner. I don't really have much of a desire there anymore. I haven't been with enough women since my transition to know, but honestly I can't justify putting my happiness on hold on the pipe dream (pun intended) of one day meeting a nice girl who will let me rail her. And even then, I don't even know if that's what I want from other women anyway. But even so, the fact that this cannot be undone has me standing at a cliff's edge. All because I might theoretically maybe regret it one day, despite having 30 years of regret at my current situation behind me already.

But it's not like I have any plans of walking my transition back. I don't want to. For the first time in my life, I smile at my own reflection. I like the woman I have grown into. She's kind and weird and clever and confident and funny in her own way and she's pretty and she has an amazing body and gorgeous hair (sometimes) and everyone always tells her she has a great sense of style. And that woman is me. I finally became who and what I always wanted, nay needed to be. And I have no designs to surrender any of that to the dumpy, miserable, ugly, undesirable, unremarkable nothingburger of a "man" that everyone used to know. I hated who I was. I hated myself for decades. "He" sucked, and should stay dead.

And if I am to embrace my womanhood, I want to be as complete a woman as I can be. And that means surgery. I know that surgery isn't a requirement to be a complete woman, but I cannot deny that I feel incomplete. I cannot deny that I sit atop a mountain of sexual dalliances, each unsatisfactory, some moreso than others. I cannot deny that I still feel uncomfortable seeing myself naked. And I can't deny that I spend my time incredibly uncomfortable, be it whether I am wearing three pairs of knickers or not.

So for my own mental housekeeping:

Pro:

Currently feel uncomfortable sexually

Would probably feel more comfortable sexually

Currently feel uncomfortable generally

Would feel more comfortable wearing a single pair of underwear

Would probably feel less weird about people staring at my crotch

Would probably feel less like a sexual fetish for others to use

Would be able to go swimming again

Wouldn't have to prep for sex in advance

Less butt stuff

Would feel more of a woman

Would probably feel confident naked

Would force the NHS to permanently supply me with HRT

Can ask someone to eat my pussy

Con:

The surgery and journey itself (temporary)

Might regret (hypothetical)(and statistically unlikely)(but theoretically possible)

Big permanent change (non-material, no real consequences unless I actually regret the change)

People generally won't treat me any better because nobody except those I have sex with will really know (people treat me like shit anyways so what's new)

Might eliminate one of the few reasons someone might want to have sex with me (but do I really want to have sex with someone who is only interested in me because of a transphobic assumption of what genre of genitalia I have?)

I think the most frustrating part about all of this is that nobody was there to discuss it with me. My family are obviously grossed out about it, despite being very supportive. I don't really want to discuss my junk with Jack, he might be my best friend but that's weird. And the gender clinic don't have a therapist anymore and don't plan on getting a new one. So I've just have to deal with this on my own.

But at the end of the day, as much as I worry that I am convincing myself of something I might one day regret, there is one factor that tips me to one side of the scale than the other:

If this wasn't for me, then why is it that whenever I picture myself being intimate with someone, I have a vagina? Like I assume normal people don't experience that. I assume normal people don't type paragraphs upon paragraphs and bullet point lists about the pros and cons of their genitals, right? I assume that to feel this much discomfort and explaining is necessary is not something normal people experience. Right?

I know I've made up my mind. And frankly, this is as sure as I have ever been about anything ever. But even so, I find myself unsure, and it just makes me wonder how sure I can be about anything really. I just wish there had been someone there to tell me I am making the right choice.

I have my second surgery referral next week.

[oraclekleo]

Wanted: Brainstorming Buddies

Hello, my dear followers and occasional visitors to this blog.

Recently I have realised I would like to communicate more directly with people. My intention is to enlarge the little group of friends I talk to on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. I’m not a super sociable person but my interactions fall onto the shoulders of a few close friends and they kinda carry all the weight of my hectic brain functions. I love them and that’s why I would like to enlarge the list of my regular social contacts in order to spread the burden more evenly.

And naturally I thought of you guys, who are my support and sunshine for months and years here. So my first appeal is to be posted here. This is my plan A. I do have plans B, C, D, E, F, G and H but if it works out, I might not need to use them.

I have created a Discord group chat, which I would love to use to communicate directly with a larger group of friends. It’s not only tarot and astrology focused, I have many interests and I would like to share them all.

You can join the Discord by contacting me directly through DMs or my email oraclekleo@gmail.com.

Before you do, you should read the list below.

Why you SHOULDN’T join this group chat:

I’m an INTP MBTI type and it comes with some challenging characteristics. You can check the YouTube video 8 Weird Habits Of An INTP Personality Type for reference. I’m not always the worst case scenario of these but it gives a pretty good sum up.

I question EVERYTHING! Systems, rules, customs, traditions, beliefs… I’m not a religious person myself and if you present me with a problem with some rule, I will question the existence of the rule in the first place, I will probably bend it or find a loophole. I respect all beliefs but if you tell me that you have a problem with certain aspects of your belief, I will question why you stick to it. 😂 You can always tell me to move on and forget about the topic, though. I question my own opinions, rules and habits just the same so it’s not like I’m being unfair.

I’m not a shoulder to cry on or a hugging type, not even virtual hugs type. I’m a problem solver. If you share your worry or struggle or issue with me, you also have to add what reaction you want from me. If you don’t provide this information, I automatically switch to solving mode. You can tell me you just want to rant without me suggesting anything. You can tell me you want me to take your mind off the topic and cheer you up or entertain you or whatever. Just make sure you let me know what you want me to do with your issue because otherwise I will present you with one or more solutions. 😜

My mind is constantly open and I have a great respect towards diversity and freedom but I really don’t tolerate hate in any form. If you want to go for hateful rants or serious nasty complaints about people, this might not be the chat for you.

I like to keep the conversation flowing. If you are the type of person who prefers to only listen in and you are happy this way, not wanting to step outside the comfort zone, this is probably not the chat for you. If you are usually quiet but would like to start using your voice more, feel free to join, though. Effort counts with me.

I love dark sense of humour and sarcasm is my first language and I’m so fluent in it. If you are a very sensitive person, you might have a hard time with me. I’m not deliberately rude to anyone but I will test the waters and make brutal jokes now and then to observe the reactions.

I’m an adult person and I do include adult topics and language. If that’s something you feel uncomfortable about, you should avoid joining the chat.

I’m not a big fan of drama and overreacting. I can deal with occasional emotional load from my friends but if you are the type of person who truly goes nuts when it comes to emotions, you might find me cold and unfriendly.

I love to discuss a vast variety of topics and link them with each other and find patterns. It’s how my brain works. It can be confusing sometimes so you might need to bare with me.

Why you SHOULD join this group chat:

Because of me - there are not many people like me and you might actually discover some of my more intimate sides I don’t show on the blog

Because of yourself - you might want to start socialising a tiny bit more but you don’t have just one interest, you want to talk about anything and everything

Because of the fun - I have many negative sides to me but I’m not a dull or boring person and I will do my best to keep the chat alive and entertaining.

Because of the brainstorming - Are you a creative person yourself? You might need brainstorming buddies! I surely do need some. And when you brainstorm with me, I’m more than happy to return the favour and brainstorm with you.

Because by exploring and communicating our minds, hearts, souls and spirits grow and become more vibrant. This is your opportunity to take one small step towards personal growth.

Because you can leave anytime - if the chat isn’t your cup of tea, you can leave. My feelings won’t be harmed, I respect that each person is different and I don’t have many feelings to be hurt in the first place. 😜

If you have reached here with the reading, you might as well want to join the group chat. Feel free to contact me through DMs or email oraclekleo@gmail.com.

You surely understand that I don’t want to share the invitation link publicly as I would like to avoid trolls and spammers joining your little soul family.

I’m looking forward to your reactions and I’m gonna be delighted by your interest if there is any.

P.S. Brainstorming helps me to stay motivated so once I have my little circle of buddies, I’ll feel more eager to return to tarot readings and other fun activities for you. Just saying. No pressure! (Only I might feel motivated enough to open free readings and I mean all the readings, including fun tarot spreads like the Path of the Dragon and others 😉)

Thank you for reading this far.

Kleo 🦄

[youtastelike-sunlight]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, and 25 for the tattoo asks! Thanks! 🤪✌️

Katey for the love of god just tell me you want a video call where I strip down and show off my ink 🤣

(Also, the number of times I checked this list absolutely convinced you would have skipped ONE for the lulz)

1. How many tattoos do you have?

Uh. Somewhere around 35-ish? There's been a lot of, like, building out on existing ones and making them cohesive, so it's really hard to say. 40-50 sessions in the chair, for sure.

2. What is your favourite tattoo you've gotten?

Stop asking pansexual ADHDers to pick favourites. Actually, speaking of, that joke on Dropout's Breaking News a few weeks ago about how Dropout fans are "pansexual nerds with drama mask tattoos and anxiety disorders" called me the fuck out, four for four baby, so maybe right now it's my drama masks with a Shakespeare quote 😅

3. What is the most meaningful tattoo you've gotten?

Any of the multiple memorial tattoos for deceased family members, or the matching tattoo I got with my spouse after our wedding

4. What is your dream tattoo?

I'm hoping to get something cool on my chest post-top surgery, but that's a long-ass way away yet.

5. What was the most painful tattoo?

I fully used numbing cream when I got my inner thigh tattooed, but I missed a spot. Ask me how I realised.

Also my knuckles, jfc. Fully cussed my tattoo guy out for that one, it was his idea to extend the design down to cover a couple of knuckles in the first place lmfao.

6. What was your first ever tattoo and how old were you when you got it?

My uncle's initials after he died when I was 17. I had this deal with my mum that I could get all the facial piercings I wanted, dye my hair all the batshit colours I wanted, as long as I didn't get a tattoo until I turned 18. And I'm grateful for that, because I wanted some tacky-ass shit at 15-16. But we negotiated for the one at 17, which there was little to no chance of me regretting.

7. What is your most recent tattoo?

An envelope with a piece of paper coming out of it that says "wish you were queer xo" for a flash day fundraiser for RainbowYOUTH.

8. What does your family think about your tattoos?

My mum is fucking petrified of needles, so her objection isn't to the permanent ink on my skin so much as willingly subjecting myself to being stabbed lmao. I hid them from my paternal grandparents until my wedding day and then said 'fuck it they can't yell at me today!' and they have never, ever mentioned them since. My maternal grandmother hated my first few, offered to pay to get them laser removed when I was at about 4 or 5, then begrudgingly acknowledged that some of them weren't terrible, and when she went into hospice in 2017 she gave me a list of the sorts of things she wanted included in her memorial tattoo 🤣

9. What meaning do your tattoos have?

Everything from very personal connections/memories/experiences in the memorial tattoos down to "I rolled three dice and got three words and the artist designed something based on that and slapped it on my body", and everything in between.

10. How many tattoos do you want?

As many as I have good ideas.

11. Where is the most painful place you've been tattooed?

Is this a different question to #5?

I will say - back of calf tattoos are surprisingly difficult. Not the MOST painful place, but probably the longest I've been really genuinely uncomfortable? (Though, again, sans numbing cream on my inner thigh this would be a VERY different convo)

12. Where is a place on your body that you will NEVER get tattooed?

I dunno... butthole? Eyeball?

I'm unlikely to do a face tattoo, but who knows, really.

13. What is a design you love on others but would never get for yourself?

I can't think of a specific design!

14. What is your favourite style of tattoo?

New School, for sure. Though I have a bit of nearly everything 🤣

15. Would you trust a friend to choose the design of your tattoo?

Depends on the friend. Katey, you will not be designing a Fiona/Dragon tattoo for me, soz.

16. What are some tattoo assumptions you think need to die?

That having ever gotten a tattoo in the past means you have a ton of disposable income now (the amount of "omg they're on a benefit but they have tattoos" I've heard from dipshits how the fuck do you think tattoos work?????), that it's not a valid and fucking impressive form of artwork.

17. Do you have one tattoo artist who does all of your art or a stand out tattoo artist? Hype them up!

These days I do! Only since I moved back to my current city in 2017, though, so a lot of my older stuff is by other artists. His name's Steve, he's a fucking delight, every day I'm in his chair is a fucking party. When my grandad died I just booked him out for the day and chatted to him about my grandad for the morning until inspo struck him and then he turned his iPad around with the loveliest design on it.

18. Is there any artist you would love to get work done by? Tell us about them!

There are lots of incredible artists out there, but I don't think I have, like, one bucket list person.

19. What is your worst tattoo experience?

I had an apprentice go too deep on my pansexual tattoo and I still have a bit of raised scar tissue there lmao

20. What has been your best tattoo experience?

Getting my grandmother's memorial tattoo designed and tattooed. Per #8 I went in with a bit of a chaotic list and what the artist put together was just fucking stunning. It's my whole upper arm and every single element of it has really personal meaning.

21. Do you have any matching tattoos with people?

Yep! My spouse and I got matching Doctor Who tattoos after our wedding. I'm a DW fan of old, got my spouse into the show after we got together, and we had a reference in our ceremony but without discussing it, we'd both put references in our individual vows as well lmao.

I also have a few like... standard tattoos, for lack of a better word? As well as a few flash sheet designs. So I definitely have matching tattoos with strangers 🤣

22. What is your opinion on face tattoos?

Follow your bliss, babes, but you know the society we live in and you're accepting the potential bullshit. (I have hand tattoos!! I'm not saying it's RIGHT I'm saying it IS.)

23. Do you think tattoos make people look less professional?

No, but I know people think they do. Where's that tweet about how tattoos make you perfect for corporate culture because it shows you can sit through the most painful bullshit and that's every corporate meeting ever?

24. Post a picture of your favourite tattoo.

It me, the Dropout fan.

25. Give us a tattoo tour!

Katey I will absolutely get booted off tumblr if I do that.

[tattoo asks... except katey's already asked them all so]

[aroanthy]

Besides Anthy what other characters do you are aro- or any kind of a-spec?

All Of Them.

on a more serious note, im very partial to the following aspec readings of characters:

aroace/aroace lesbian nanami; one thing to know about me is that i realised i was aromantic because of two things. the first is that i wrote a 55k word fanfiction about two side characters from the 2005 bbc political satire 'the thick of it' that was basically just me airing my fundamental discomfort with romantic relationships, and the second is watching her tragedy and the romance of the dancing girls for the first time. Yeag.

aromantic nanami is profoundly important to me and i really just resonate with her character on a personal level. like shes so me. i dont get it. i too have convinced myself of all kinds of taboo and 'weird' affections and feelings because i Dont Understand Romance (just as a side note: i understand why some people take the cold turkey 'nanami never considered romantic feelings for her brother!!' reading, but for me personally. i think it's important to consider nanami considering those feelings, specifically because they make her feel uncomfortable, alienated, etc. there's also lots of interesting things to be said about how incest can affirm heteronormativity (and how it can't!! but that's more of a kaoru twins can of worms)).

and there's other stuff but we needn't get into that. i love when other people feel able to talk in-depth about how their personal expereinces shape their responses to rgu, but im not quite at that point with certain things. i do also just really like reading nanami as an aroace lesbian bc i find her connection with utena specifically to be soooooo. gah. delicious. fascinating. devastating. and also i love aroace lesbains they are the best

asexual utena; i just think he's neat :} sometimes i feel hesitant to read characters as asexual if theyre teenagers or if they have sexual trauma and funnily (not) enough, utena is both! having said that, i recently decided 'fuck it' and have been thinking about this interpretation of his character more and more. like, my aromantic identity is partially political, partially trauma-informed, and i feel quite strongly about queerness in part being one's choice to define (or not define) themselves on their own terms, be they 'contradictory' or 'inaccurate' or whatever the hell else.

i also have a fondness for asexual masculine characters. me personally i read utena as butch and transmasc and i think it's really interesting to think about how that queer masculinity can be expressed outside of allosexuality, especially considering what rgu as a show tries to do wrt that matter. dont ask me about my feelings on ikuhara and false dichotomies of love and lust in his works or i WILL explode ok sarazanami is The aroallo show and im soooo normal about it all tbh

i have this kind of vague arospec touga reading that im always knocking about in my head but kind of scared to talk about online because like. it's quite a lot to get into and, as an aroallo person, i dont want to get into discourse about if it's problematic to read a character like touga in that way. bc like. i dont think it is. but that's because i'm basing this reading off of my own lived experience and understanding of what aromantic allosexuality can look like. to be honest, if i really had to stick labels on them (bc labels are a shorthand to me that never fully express the complexity of identity that i want to personally (writer disease)) i read anthy as an aromantic lesbian and touga as aromantic and gay. but normally you would have to waterboard that out of me because im terrified of how people who aren't aroallo respond to aroallo conceptions of like... Anything. lol.

i think the tldr of Why im compelled by those similar readings of their characters is. something about how terrifying and constraining and rigid and incomprehensible and inaccessible romance feels to me as a concept. and something else about how important sex is to me as a concept, and kind of. this radical sex positivity that is so essential, imho, to beginning to unpack the issues baked into our hetero- and amatonormative conceptions of romance and sex, and thus reclaim human connection as we please. blah blah blah wah wah wah body as a bargaining chip or whatever (guy who is mildly terrified of talking about these things for Reasons).

that's it for specific readings i have of specific characters, but i will say that i do find it hard to put myself in the shoes of certain characters if im thinking of them as alloromantic. like i think juri probably is but i dont not understand her conflict with shiori and why it agonises her so much. but tbf, most of my focus on juri as a character is her struggle for self-acceptance and her fascinating gender troubles. funnily enough, that's also kind of how i feel about saionji. they are just both so genderfuck self-hating gay plagued by the power dynamics and i love that for them.

anway yeag :} rejoice, aromanticism be upon ye

[cononeillbreastingboobily]

I heard a phrase once that goes something like "growth lies outside the comfort zone".

And holy shit my dudes. It's right.

In just 9 days I've spent at a hospital, I changed. I can't say "completely", but... Wait, no, I can!

I came out of the hospital a different person than the one who entered it, and I genuinely mean it. I described it in many ways. "As if somebody broke me out of my shell", "like I don't have a layer I used to have" or simply "I'm back". It feels... So good, yet so unfamiliar.

Everyone I talked to since I came home who knew me before then, is shocked. They say I smile more, I have a completely different energy, they say I got my spark back that I used to have when I was a child.

I think what happened was the result of many, many things, but mainly:

• Being forced to confront my trauma head on

Hospitals. I had some very painful surgeries, as well as painful and humiliating testing done when I was a child. It screwed me up in so many ways that I can't even articulate to this day. I experienced A Lot of physical and emotional pain during this recent hospital stay. I didn't run from it, couldn't. And I do have to say it contributed to my experience, can't describe in what way exactly just yet.

• Having no privacy and thus, no space to suffer in silence. And thus, having no choice but to let people in

Sharing a room with 4 people, I hardly had any space for myself, except for my bed and nightstand. I tend to cry all by myself when I'm going through something. At the hospital I was going through A Lot, and yet I couldn't hide from curious eyes.

• Having people do many uncomfortable things to my body, and having to just go with it

Well, it's not like I didn't have a say in whether certain things happened to me. I could potentially protest if I didn't want to have some testing done or didn't want someone to wipe me down etc. But my desire to reach a diagnosis was so strong that my limitations in that regard dissolved rapidly. Plus, like. These people are at work. I'm not gonna let my embarrassment keep them from getting their jobs done. Otherwise we would be here all day.

• Being taken seriously, but gently

I was faced with so much kindness during my hospital stay. It helped me remember that somewhere out there the world can be really kind and that there are good people out there. I think I completely forgot about that.

• Being given hope

I didn't realise just how much I had given up on myself and just life in general, over the past few months. And yet I had people gently hold my hands on 3 separate occasions and tell me "It's gonna be okay". How does one not start to believe it even just a little bit after that?

• Being reminded of my passions

I had a very intense talk with the head of the department that took me in. He asked me about my gifts and abilities, and pointed out other ones I missed. I kept finding myself thinking of more I could've mentioned days later.

• Being shown a way forward

This ties in with the point I made two paragraphs before, but I do think it deserves it's separate section. Along with the hope that I might get a full diagnosis, and that what I'm suffering from right now is reversible, I had a spark lit up in me, one that I lost a long, long time ago. I was reminded that I love to learn new things, and that I want to go and study new topics. I'm going back to uni! This time a post-graduate program tho, I'm not pursuing a degree (⁠◡⁠ ⁠ω⁠ ⁠◡⁠)

So, there you have it. I knoooow that these are highly personal and subjective, but I'd regret if I didn't share my experiences and observations even a little bit. If by sharing this I inspire just one person to do and change something, or to look at things differently, I would consider it as a job well done.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, hope you and your writing projects are going well. I am 18F, and I would like to request a type assessment comparing types INTJ and INFJ. Prior to writing this, I have read your posts on how F’s mistype as T and not vice versa, and related to some INFJs who have made type inquiries. However, after reading the Type Development guides for both, I saw the INTJ ego development as a more likely path for myself, so I am a bit confused. 

For INTJ: 

Auxiliary Te (immature): I have a strong desire for control which was displayed when I was younger but remains somewhat hidden in recent years. When I was a child I had the need to dominate over the people I played with, creating a narrative game (kind of like a dungeon master in DND) which I had whole control over. I didn’t take in others’ preferences and had very poor teamwork abilities. I was never concerned with others’ feelings and treated them more like pawns for my games. After moving to an English speaking country (at 9 years old), I couldn’t communicate on the same level as my peers in the first few years, and I think I lost the ability to maintain a leadership position in groups. However, I don’t think my mindset has changed much. I like organisation and breaking down goals to step-by-step chunks, but I often lack the drive to carry them out. I often unconsciously “judge��� others by their academic level/intelligence. I measure my success by my academic achievements and a strong sense of inferiority when I compare myself to other people who have started with similar circumstances as me but achieved higher scores. I often have a perfectionistic, rather unhealthy all or nothing approach to goals. I am lazy. I see others studying way harder than me and I can’t bring myself to do the same. At first I thought it didn’t really matter but they are achieving their goals and I am falling short – I just tell myself I’m not good enough instead of admitting that I don’t work hard. I developed a binge eating disorder after a year of restrictive eating, reaching my body goal, then feeling dissatisfied and aimless. 

Tertiary Fi: because I believe I don’t really have “moral codes” which I live by, but often find myself influenced by subjective feelings. I had a conversation with someone on the film The Truman Show – whether the protagonist had true freedom. While she argued that Truman didn’t have freedom because he was restricted by the film direction and living his life in a TV show, I said he had freedom because there is little difference between his emotional/physical restraints in a TV show and the emotional/physical restraints of people in real life. Actually, I’m not sure if this is tertiary Fi but I don’t know where to put this in. I have often been told “you look like you are happy/sad/bored etc”, when I’m just in thought and believe myself to have a neutral expression. I highly dislike having to control my facial expressions (though I have been told by family and other elder people that I should), and dislike having to manipulate truths to promote myself in job/uni interviews. My surface feelings are quite transparent, but I feel uncomfortable sharing deeper emotions/traumas – anything that might lead to me crying in front of others. 

For INFJ: 

Auxiliary Fe: I went to a fairly small high school and never got to form any close connections – sometimes I would want to go to a concert but have no one close enough to ask. The person I considered my best friend in high school left the school halfway through and I realised that I was only a minor friend to her. So I think I’m avoidant of socialisation post graduation. With strangers, I like to use social etiquette as a form of protecting myself against external attacks. It gives a sense of moral high ground when I am attacked. I was active on Personality Database for a while because I enjoyed typing characters and wanted to use it to learn more about types. However, I was making a handful of mistakes due to lack of knowledge and received comments like “stereotypical typer” or “go study xxx function properly” – unconstructive and often sarcastic feedback which brought me invalidation and unease. I think this aligns with “FJs are more sensitive to negative feelings and have more difficulty sitting on unresolved feelings” in the Type Spotting Guide. Actually, after a comment which made me feel particularly ignorant, I went on Chat GPT and asked to analyse why it made me feel unpleasant and what I should do in response. Though it was rather vague, it made me feel better once I asked it to pick apart the particular language devices which were aggressive. Several times, a friend has told me about their dislike of something/someone, and me being fairly ignorant of that thing/person takes up the same stance – antagonising someone (because I thought it was loyal) or harbouring specific feelings/thoughts about something. My favourite social environments are ones where others have the same interest/goal and don't voice their opinions too loudly and argue for the sake of it. The social environment often influences my mood, however I dislike people pleasing and performative behaviour, and do not desire to resolve others’ conflicts. I have been increasingly aware and sensitive of how others view myself, and I have this “nice” persona I could only project for a few hours at a time, then my judgemental and impatient persona emerges. 

Tertiary Ti: I like using scientific evidence to explain failings in my behaviour – somewhat blaming? For example, I told my mother that the reason I avoided my father was because she was displaying negative attitudes towards him and psychologists have found the behaviour of divorced parents to affect their children. I resist absorbing new information through memorisation and only want to accept them when I understand their process/framework (such as in maths and physics). 

Extras I am not sure where it goes: I pursue creative writing as a secret hobby that feels much too personal to share with others, because it reflects the “visions” which I experience at random moments of life, as well as my idealisation of people’s interactions and achieving goals. I have just one fantasy world/grand narrative in mind and I write the start again and again because it never matches up to the brief flashes I get in my mind and falls very short of expectations. I don’t ever want to share my writing because I am scared of it being “ruined” by criticism of childishness and it “not making sense/lacking in originality/too much of an idealisation”. However, I also pursue digital art and don’t feel much discomfort with sharing it and seeking validation. [related to Ni+Fe]

I greatly enjoyed thinking about the trolley problem and its altered forms (not sure if it has anything to do with functions). I would not touch the switch to sacrifice one person to save five people, because I don’t want to be personally involved or see the need to act as a saviour. However, I hypocritically would push someone off a bridge to stop the train to save a person/people who I admire/love/find value in. 

Currently, I want to develop a stronger work ethic and put more effort into getting what I want. I want to be able to ignore emotionally charged criticism and only receive objective ones that help me grow. I want to manage better in group environments as well without being dragged by others’ agendas. I don’t see being attentive or caring as something I prioritise developing.

Thank you for your time! There were some points I wasn't sure how to answer, but please let know if there is any additional information you would like me to provide on a separate ask!

I realised I didn’t answer the questions for dominant Fe/Te, and would like to provide more information.

Te:

I do prioritise efficiency and goal setting in life such as studying and improving in hobbies, but often fail to “do” what needs to be done even if I have made a framework. I do see the need for closure to problems and wish people would put their feelings aside to make resolving them easier.

I want power to take charge in team settings and the knowledge to be able to resolve problems, but there are many problems that I can’t fix and I get frustrated because I feel incompetent and withdraw. I am quite competitive in academics but I avoid outwardly displaying signs of it. Once someone told me — my goal this year is to beat you in Maths (take higher rank) and I didn’t really say anything but felt like they were planning to rob me — and I thought even if they were planning that it wasn’t appropriate to tell me… Btw they did beat me and I feel inferior talking to them now, and often regret not working harder.

I rarely advise others and others rarely seek advice from me. On some occasions — such as a friend with rose tinted glasses in love telling me about her dates with a widely known playboy — I would tell her that speeding his car just to impress and ignoring her are all signs which prove the prevalent view of that person, and she should avoid further involvements. I often lack ability in fields to take up a “mentor” or “instructor” position — sometimes I find myself doing that and just end up embarrassing myself when someone much more competent comes in. 

When I’m feeling low, I constantly think about my own incompetence and can’t get work done because I become really scared of criticism and feel emotionally insecure. I take a while to get back on track, so I’m not sure if it’s problem solving and taking charge that makes me feel better or just the time passing.

I dislike indecisive people who ask everyone around them what to do then behave as if they hadn’t heard anything at all. Oversensitive or strongly opinionated people also make me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I’m lazy and slow and unproductive myself, and really dislike it but I end up just overindulging in media. 

In school sometimes the teachers and guest speakers would tell sob stories and I see it as very performative and inauthentic — if they really felt that way they wouldn’t express or share it to near strangers. When being criticised or scolded, I observe people’s hypocrisy and judge them in my mind. I struggle with being a good listener because my hearing is not great and often have to ask them to repeat — to the point where both the other person and me lose the flow of the conversation. I also tend to talk a lot and dominate the conversation and have to check myself throughout. I have almost never been labelled aggressive because it is not outwardly projected for the fear of greater attacks but I am fairly prideful. 

Fe:

I appreciate a harmonious environment and it keeps myself stable for work and other things. I don’t really care about emotional support though, because I appreciate an environment where people don't express deep emotions. I am highly averse to social interactions that provoke shame and harshness (like PDB) and I would become obsessive and overthink and feel very ashamed myself.

It isn’t very important for me to feel a sense of emotional connection to others. I would prefer to have more interaction/intimacy with like minded individuals, and things can go on from there, but I don’t really think about care and acceptance. In a college interview I was asked “how would you demonstrate friendliness and acceptance to others” and I was dumbstruck by the question and said “I don’t think I’m a threatening person” when the answer was supposed to be something along the lines of “smiling and asking how they are”.

I do tend to mirror other people’s emotions in shorter interactions, and I have a fairly amiable facade for those moments. I tend to agree with strangers/people I’m not close with or have more authority/power/age so as to not induce a debate in which I would prove my ignorance. I hope people will treat others with respect and ensure the language that they use is appropriate. 

I crave social affirmation when I’m feeling low and wish there is a “group” on my side for some issue. I feel ashamed talking to therapists at school and often resort to a joking and light attitude and avoid deep emotional displays. I don’t really know how to ask for care. 

I really dislike condescending people who have failings themselves but turn their energy into criticising others. I see the peers around me at school as “all selfish” and constantly assess the things that they did which demonstrate their false lack of regard for others. 

I have been told that I’m not very good at “fake smiling” but I think it’s getting better. I haven’t really been told to be nosy, meddlesome or a goody-goody, but I do subconsciously seek and enjoy attention. I demonstrate people pleasing behaviour in short spans of time, but I would snap after too long. I have been told I’m jealous and I often am — I compare myself to others and see how they have achieved xxx and so on. 

Fi:

My feelings do inform my general attitude which is rather transparent, but it doesn’t really affect my preferences and attachments. I don’t feel much when making decisions besides indecisiveness from options so I can’t think of occasions which I ignore them or not. 

It isn’t important to me to honour my feelings, opinions and beliefs, and I often change. I want everything to be empirical and fair and don’t want to take in individual experiences. However, I want a sense of friendliness in “soulless” environments which make me rather uncomfortable.

I don’t really express my feelings creatively because they are gone after a while, and I mainly represent my visions creatively. I think people who appear to lack feeling just prefer not to display them — they are bound to display them to their intimate circle and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with them. 

When feeling low, do you feel alienated, frustrated that you aren’t able to express yourself with the impact that you hope to produce? Do you need a lot of alone time to nurse your feelings, both positive and negative, unable to be productive until you settle down emotionally?

I don’t want to express my emotions to others but I do need a lot of alone time and to nurse my negative feelings and fail to be productive until my sense of unease or insecurity has faded a bit. 

I dislike insincere social displays and the constant act between people to gain favour from powerful and those between the line jabs. When I seek advice, I do prefer some emotional comfort (not much) and not questions on what I did wrong instead. 

I have been told by my family that I’m very self absorbed and selfish, and fragile by my mother. I become uncommunicative when others are too aggressive or set on their stance, and just keep believing what I want. 

Ti:

I don’t have a naturally technical mind and often have to follow a set of rules/ framework to understand how something works. 

I definitely want to handle life and life’s problems on my own and see myself living alone in the future. I tend to simplify things and people just so they would make sense (sort of like taking the parts that fit into my mental framework and ignoring the others?)

I am not a straightforward person. I often think in tangents and become annoyed and offended when people ask me to get to the point. I maintain a spectator position in situations that don’t involve myself. I really don’t get why people choose to get fired up in philosophical or religious debates and think they really should keep their  thoughts to themselves or write down their arguments or something and compare them instead of arguing for their beliefs. 

I appreciate mastering a new skill which increases my sense of competence and helps me deal with the self disgust I have when feeling low. I feel bored and stop working and resort to dopamine sources.

I dislike hasty and pushy people and prefer to work at my own pace. I would ignore them at first but am bound to get impatient and snap. I don’t like displays of emotion in real life but don't mind them in films and books. 

I am asocial at the moment and though I am highly emotionally expressive to one or two friends I find that they never match my level of expression and it feels very much one sided. I am rarely contacted first and I’m not sure why.

----------------------

I have noted that the Type Development Guide isn't meant to be used for type assessment, so please heed the warning. If you don't follow the instructions properly, I can't do a full analysis. I don't understand why you responded to the questions for all of the dominant judging functions when only dominant Ni is relevant to INxJ.

Also, I don't look at functions in isolation. I must examine how all four functions in the stack interact with each other, which is why I ask for information for the entire stack. Since you didn't address dominant Ni and inferior Se, I am basically missing half of the profile and must fill in the blanks myself.

Fortunately, there is enough information to definitively rule out INTJ because your descriptions of Te and Fi don't fit, while the Fe and Ti descriptions fit quite well, though they are immature and lack development. Thus, I can conclude that (immature) INFJ is far more likely than INTJ.

[asherlockstudy]

So I’ve always debated with myself if I thought that they have always been together in some way or another and have just hid it all these years and did what was expected of them and got married and had kids. I’ve recently started watching all of the old episodes which kinda made me lean toward that. The way that they would over correct things was just like why are you even correcting that there was notbjng “weird” like me who “over analyzes” everything didn’t think it was questionable. Why are you? Lol. And then also early episodes when they would talk about the kids they always seemed to make it like all 5 were theirs. Even after the usual specifying that they have kids with their very separate wives.

But then I watched the plexiglass kiss episode and wow links reaction to that is crazy. I definitely don’t think that it was something that had ever happened before that moment but also definitely something that he had thought about.

I was trying to find a particular gifset to show you but as usual, I gave up on it. It is a pre-GMM gifset, you may have seen it, where it’s young Rhett and Link and Rhett has this sour expression on his face and tells Link: “Don’t touch me. On my knee. Please.” and Link replies: “Well I didn’t do it on purpose”

This is very telling about how on edge they used to be, particularly Rhett. Of course, I bet this was in public, where they had to prove what straight macho men they were. There is however also a moment in that live-with-audience old GMM they did in which Rhett described the frequent incidents of sleeping in the same bed when travelling with many friends and sharing hotel rooms. He said that most people expected them to be the ones to sleep together and, note, he said: “and I guess we did nothing to stop it”. Of course he could mean that they were comfortable enough with each other that they didn’t mind doing that.

But if we take into consideration how uptight they were in other occasions about much simpler things, I think the actual reason is different.

Rhett and Link never objected to bed-sharing because a) they had the blessing of the others and b) there was no risk of instinctively escalating the situation because there were more people in the room. So they felt safe to sleep together without judgement and without fearing something “sinful” might happen. And of course Rhett also said how he automatically went into “log mode”, not moving, not breathing, hardly even sleeping at all, which he probably said to prove how uncomfortable he felt, except this is when you are uncomfortable because you dread you will get it up at any moment. Link on the other hand slept with “reckless abandon”, meaning that the moment he was getting sleepy and his inhibitions and defences fell, his body instinctively inched close to Rhett and spooned him. Which kinda explains why Rhett couldn’t sleep due to the dread lol.

They were obsessed with wrestling because it was an opportunity to touch and press on each other while appearing as manly men doing manly things.

They had a limit of what could be done in the presence of others and in their privacy until it reached the point of being inexcusable. As long as they had an excuse for it, they did it. If something inexcusable threatened to happen, they overcorrected with aggressiveness and acting macho or emotionally constipated.

I don’t think they had a relationship because they indeed followed the expectations of their faith, except for those acts, as aforementioned, which they had a way to call different from what they were.

But here’s the thing. I have a pet peeve, that notion that they are “idiots” who don’t realise they are in love. Ehm… that just doesn’t happen… or it is super rare anyway. There are things you sense or feel when you are in love or lust. How could this be misinterpreted for decades of close friendship?! Especially in men, there are unmistakeable signs in their physicality that can betray sexual interest and, let’s be real, Rhett has managed to hoist the flag in GMM, while filmed, in front of thousands and his employees at least twice. All I am saying is he is very physically responsive and as the hormone-crazed teenager he was, well, if, IF he was into Link, then things would happen that would make it unquestionable to him.

For this and many other reasons it would take me ages to mention in their entirety, I think they knew or suspected there was more between them. But they had a silent pact to just ignore it forever. I also think Rhett was the one blocking out the questionable incidents most of the time and Link repressed himself for the sake of Rhett’s friendship, out of fear of not losing him entirely. But I also think that this is also one of the reasons they remained close friends for so long - they were addicted to the fact that it felt like something reciprocal was going on between them while they simultaneously felt safe enough that nothing “bad” would actually happen. It was that good old “push and pull” or “hot and cold” if you will, that was so invigorating in their relationship.

Until Rhett, based on that very same principle, decided to kiss Link through plexiglass in front of millions. He felt safe enough to do it. Except apparently Link eventually said “you know, Rhett, and Jesus, enough is enough” (as hinted in his diary entry after the plexiglass kiss, which he has READ to us) and Rhett had not built strong enough defences against Link’s newfound determination.

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

Ohhh if you're comforable, can you describe how dating more people has been for you? :)

sure! keep in mind, i'm no expert lol, so don't take my word as the Absolute Law And Truth, this is just my experience. i just do what i wanna do!

calling myself polyamorous is sort of a new thing for me, even though i have always sorta acted polyamorous, if that makes sense. not in the sense that i'd cheat lol, but i'd make it clear that i am seeing other ppl and would take great care to not let it be implied that things are exclusive if i'm seeing someone.

however!! it was always expected that once i "like someone enough" i need to sorta commit and "make it serious" (a term i hate), and that's what i'd always do. i'd just like. pick one. lol. and it felt weird and unnatural and always gave me terrible anxiety, which i thought were like. commitment issues. but i actually don't really have those? like i am very happy to commit, but for me that doesn't include being romantically/sexually exclusive to that one person. i think commitment comes in many forms. i can be there for you, and also be there for others. i don't understand why me having sex with someone else would mean i don't value you. i honestly can't grasp that concept at all, never could.

to get back to "being serious abt someone" i also can't comprehend how me also being with other ppl would mean that i am not serious about someone i'm with. like, i just don't get it, i guess. and i really, really dislike that whole idea of oh, you can fuck around but then monogamy is like The Next Level That Is Expected At Some Point, which is how many of my irl friends view it. they're like yeah yeah, but you will Commit at some point, right?? and i'm like... i'm Already Committed lol, as much as i can be. bc i guess i'm in sorta ldr atm, and they're like oh yeah, so you're now poly bc she's not here so you wanna fuck right. and like.... no lol. i'd be poly even if she were right in this room with me haha. i'm not poly bc i can't control my sexual desire and my pussy would shrivel up and die unless i Fuck Someone Right Now (also it REALLY isn't just abt fucking). if i decided to be monogamous, i would be, no matter where my partner was.

like, i find the way most ppl look at relationships very perplexing, and i just always thought i was weird like that, until recently i was like...... Wait A Minute. i don't have to perform monogamy lol.

i had a gf prior to this realisation. i was in a committed relationship that lasted 3 years that wasn't the healthiest, but We Tried lol. and then after i broke up with her, the idea of being in a monogamous relationship just seemed so... unnatural to me? like, i literally made myself be monogamous. and i didn't mind it! it was a choice i consciously made. i was willing to make that sacrifice for her bc i knew she would be very uncomfortable with me seeing other ppl and i did love her very much. the relationship didn't work out for other reasons that are irrelevant rn.

however what Got Me was that each time i had to consciously decide to be monogamous. and i was like hey wait a min. if i have to Decide this every time, perhaps it's not what's natural to me? if i'm like, oof, okay, now i must Act In This Way! perhaps i should just... stop?? why WOULD i make that sacrifice for anyone if there are ppl out there who will love me as i am? i can just be polyamorous?? idk why that hasn't occurred to me before, i guess just bc i thought no one like... Does That except very Woke ppl lol. and i was like yeah idk if that's realistic for me (???? what does that even mean????).

so yeah, i guess i'm identifying as polyamorous now, even if i always have been! as for how the experience of dating (idk if i would even call anything i do dating, i just vibe with ppl while we vibe lol) more than one person is for me? natural, liberating, normal, non-stressful. i just slipped into it like it was the most natural thing in the world, bc to me, it is. i had zero angst abt it once i allowed myself to just do it. my relationships are healthier, i am happier, i feel at peace, i attract more ppl than ever. i don't have that scarcity mindset like OOF better catch One!!!! unless you wanna Die Alone!!!! thing lol. i would always be like but sadjkhfdashfdsa wdym catch one adskhdsafdshfdhjsjfdhs this is so stressful. like that part is totally gone. i'm so so so happy. i feel loved and i have much loved to give. it feels like it's always been like this.

hope that answers your question!

[concerningwolves]

Nothing sets my brain going in dizzying circles of doubt quite like chiropractic.

There's something about how any treatment that has strong associations with being a "Miracle cure" automatically makes me wary, and yet many people do find instant relief after treatment. Three out of my own four appointments fell under the "instant relief" category, actually!

But also, most of the patients mum sees in her job as a receptionist for a chiropractor keep going back, week after week, some of them for years. They swear that it has changed their life, but... They're still going. They still need the adjustments. So then I have to wonder, is it the instant solution it's often touted as, or is it more accurately an ongoing treatment similar to HRT/antidepressants/antipsychotics/migraine prevention meds, etc.?

It certainly makes me uncomfortable that the chiropractor has never told me how to manage a problem on my own. The adjustments he's done to my hips made an instant improvement, but I had to ask him what i could do to strengthen the muscle myself, and he seemed genuinely surprised that I'd done so. Maybe I'm just used to physiotherapy. Maybe it's wrong of me to expect that kind of treatment from chiropractic. Maybe that was just that specific chiropractor's way, and others do things differently.

The fourth time I went, I'd woken up in horrendous pain from my right shoulder. I couldn't move that arm, or my neck. At that point, there is very very little that ""official"" (i.e., NHS) services can do. My course of action has always been to wait for the worst of the flare to pass, take painkillers, carefully do my physiotherapy exercises, and examine my environment/most recent activities to see what might've set it off. And then in a few days or weeks, the pain recedes and I get full range of motion back.

But this time, I accepted mum's suggestion for an appointment with the chiropractor. He kindly squeezed me in in his last slot before lunch. He talked to me, he was attentive and accepting, and he worked with me to find out the source of the problem. His answer was acupuncture, which, okay... I'd never had it before, but I'd white-knuckled the car journey there, so I may as well. And it worked! Or at least, it relaxed me enough that my muscles were no longer in spasm. I felt like I'd turned to water, actually. It was pretty nice.

Then he did the standard adjustment.

It was instant relief – until we were partway home and i realised that the pain had just moved to a different place. I don't know if he made the problem worse; the pain was different, but it also eased off in the usual week and there were no lasting side-effects. I got back into my physio routine. I reconfigured my desk. I haven't been back to the chiropractor since.

All this is on my mind because my shoulder pain is in a flare up again. I've had flares since that fourth chiropractor visit and I've always got though them, but this one is very bad. I keep seriously considering booking an appointment, then pulling myself back. It might be an answer. It might just create more problems. I don't know.

[butcharium]

hi im gonna call myself R for the sake of being anon!

and so, i’m R. i’m 16. and i realized really recently im a butch (or baby butch, if thats the right term??) ive been finding comfort in many butches blogs and ive been able to see myself in so many of these posts, but you and cowboyjen68 have especially stood out to me. you both have created such immensely safe spaces for people of all ages and identities within the lesbian community and i just want to say im really grateful. i know not all your reposts and content is geared towards minors necessarily so i try to avoid the stuff that isnt for my agegroup, but with all the butch positivity and posts about finding love for yourself as a butch and just. being who you are. its so beautiful. im so appreciative for people like you. thank you for doing what you do and thank you for being so open about being butch.

- R. he/him.

this is an incredibly sweet message to recieve thank you so much and i am so happy you're on a journey of self descovery and that you're finding some spaces which speaks to you and it is such an honour to be one of them and also to be mentioned in the same breath as @cowboyjen68!

Especially since you're just 16 I want to say that even though finding yourself in the term butch (or other) can be really helpful, it is still not a stand in for things like self acceptance, self confidence, and the likes. Identity is a life long project, and "finding your ture self" is a concept too abstract and theoretical to properly engage with I find. If you focus on being grounded in yourself, becoming properly comfortable in your own skin, building self confidence (but be careful with "fake it till you make it"), being genuine in your being and interests and traits. All of these will help you immensealy, both with your own hapiness and satisfaction, and with how you move through the world, especially as a butch. Your skin won't necessarily become thicker by it, but it will become more repellant, and the opinions of others matter less when you stand grounded in yourself. I have myself also found that when people can sense that I am confident and grounded in my masculinity they give me less shit for it also.

Also while this is a personal blog it is in the end a very curated one. I made it after lurking around butch blogs on here, where i saw a lot of explicit sexual content or similar, which is good and okay but not necessarily what I was looking for or found most interesting. Sometimes you have to make yourself what you want to see, and I don't think I put things on my blog which is more mature than what you can see in galleries or museums, or what at least I myself was exposed to by school. I cannot speak for the ops of all the posts I reblog of course, but even if it isn't specifically geared towards minors per se I am not uncomfortable with you following or interacting with this blog.

I want to finish off by saying that when I was young and less confident and less happy with my masculinity and non conformity (and homosexuality but that one sat deep to realise) one of the things which kept me going was the knowledge that if I endured and kept honest and visible and open with who and how I am, this difficult path might be just a bit easier for the next to follow (and somewhere along the road I found my confidence!)

[fairybabyshifting]

as you guys know, ive been super determined to shift recently and YALL I SWEAR I GOT SO CLOSE THIS MORNING !!!!

i had three very lucid dreams, so lucid in fact, that it felt like i had shifted until everything started going hazy and i failed a reality check ! ANYWAY LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THEM BC I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA SHIFT ANY MINUTE NOW FR FR

so it started with me waking up at 7am and then trying to sleep but failing so i decided to go on tiktok for a bit and then did an alunir julia method awake meditation which didnt work as an awake method so i rolled over and decided to try and get some sleep and then i had this random dream and i think i woke up and tried to get back into the dream but visualising it and then i felt myself begin to fall through my bed which is how ik im about to lucid dream, so i started affirming that i was in my dr and YALL THE SYMPTOMS WERE INSANEEE ! as i was falling through my bed i felt something wrap around my waist and it wasnt painful but it was quite tight and not exactly comfy but i powered through and it felt like my entire body was contorting like yk in stranger things s4 when vecna strikes his victims, THAT is what it felt like but not painful, just uncomfortable and weird. im shifting to my tsitp dr right, and after that weird contortionist shit was over, i heard waves crashing, birds chirping and people talking in the distance it was unreal but silly old me thought i had gone to sleep with audios playing (i hadnt) so i didnt realise i could’ve potentially mini shifted !?!? anyway, i woke up in this room and immediately knew something was off because i was in this really dull dark grey room that just had a double bed in it where i was sleeping. i got dragged out of bed by my feet by this kid and i was so confused and i somehow knew jeremiah was there and i called to him but he looked awful idk why but it was like walmart jeremiah and i did a reality check and didnt pass so i knew i was dreaming. i was like okay i have to go but can i have the jacket youre wearing rn and he was like um and i was like ok nvm can i just have a hoodie of yours and he went to get me one and then i was like actually im trying to shift, can you help me make a portal and he was like yeah sure so we made a portal together and i affirmed to activate shift this time and walked through it and then i ended up in this other reality which was like a wr but in my dream and i got a random witch from hp to help me make a portal and i kept trying to go through it except it was flying away ? eventually i did go through it and ended up in another reality similar to my dr, all the characters were there but something felt off again bc we were in this random house with all our suitcases ? and jeremiah walked through the door and he looked weird again so i did a reality check and my finger went straight through my palm so i laughed and then i lost lucidity and woke up but what a whirlwind. also there’s literally no way shifting is lucid dreaming lmfao get that idea out of your head fr

[jesterthebestsir]

To 🎩 anon (you turned off anon and I'm not sure if that was an accident or not),

"Dear jester I loved reading all that you had said, i found it rather interesting and i feel that we have the same way of processing each event, methodically and in order ! The situations are rather chaotic, but sifting through each element has helped me tremendously to sort out everything.

I deeply thank you for sharing all that with me.

Seems i relate to you even more now, i am also very mature for my age (same as you) and have become rather burnt out with my schooling and life just in general. I was in a period of time where I had lost all sense of feeling, as i had spent years and years tied to people and in lots of emotional turmoil. He got me out of a very awful time, showed me what true love and kindness was. Never have i experienced that in my life, nor did i ever want to. But now that i have, i don't ever want to let go. Even though he is turning 20 in 8 days

At first, i was scared. Couldn't tell him about that specific factor of me. Although recently, i did, and i somehow knew that he had already known, yet was still too afraid i'd get left again. Seems like he cant leave me either but i guess thats a little fucked up hahaha im glad you realise the pros and cons with your situation and know that although you're obsessed with her, you know its for the better to be apart. I am yet to learn that hahaah !

I find solace knowing we have had similar experiences, although how unfortunate they are, we will find what works for us and what helps us get better. I hope you dont mind my little rambling haha I love your posts tremendously and i am glad you are doing better!

i guess i should make an anon hmmm :3

-🎩 anon"

TL;DR: Find a way to wean off him

My situation seems to be somewhat different than yours as you're still in contact with him and know much more about him than I do about her, I'm not sure how deep your obsession is with him but I'll give you some things that'll at least help you wean off him:

Highlight his flaws:

For me, my obsession centered around entitlement and objectification; she was only a girl meant to help ME through MY problems and give ME comfort. Any time it seemed like I was doing something for her, it just so happened that my attempt of self-gratification just so happens to benefit her (EX: I want to kidnap you because I don't see you as your person, but something to be owned). The more I took the time to look at how she looked, her misspellings, and her overall demeanor, I stopped seeing her as a concept meant to please me and more as a person, a person I didn't want to date.

Consider your personality:

As I grew up and started to become my own person, I realized that my personality didn't mesh as well with hers; I was easily distracted, easily annoyed, mentally unstable, emotionally dependant, but physically distant, and hypersexual. That didn't go well with how naive, childish, and go with the flow she could be and that didn't sit right with me. What if I yell at her?! What if she's uncomfortable with my advances, how would I react? What if I become too dependant on her?! Would that annoy her?! Write about him:

I didn't write about her too much, but it did help me realize how truly fucked up our one-sided "relationship" was looking back (even just a day later) at my writings that were begging myself to let go of her really made me break those rose colored glasses

Hang out with friends more:

I know it's insanely cliche, but hear me out!

As I hung out with my friend more and talked to her less, I found myself becoming slightly more dependant on them as they were healthier to be around and can keep me from doing stupid stuff like contacting her again.

Indulge in fiction:

Around 2020, I found myself getting deep into a series (that I still love to this day) that kept my attention and slowly took over my brain, almost replacing my affection for her. I found so many characters that acted just like her and a lot of them annoyed me, which I think solidified my first point of only like her as a concept and not a person.

Consider the future:

Ask yourself: a couple years from now, when you're 18 (assuming you're a minor, but if not just imagine yourself older), do you see yourself with him?

Showing him off to your parents?

Doing mundane tasks non-romantic tasks like doing laundry?

What would being with him look like?

Do you want to get married to him? Have kids? Grow old?

How romanized is your future with him? When you look at your future with him do you see an ideal person, an almost god-like being with zero flaws or do you see him?

My answer to half of these questions was,"God no"

Like I said before, I don't know much about your situation; how long you've known him, how long you've talked to him, ect ect. so these might not be helpful, but I, at the very least, want you to distance yourself from him a bit, especially if the age gap is as bad as mine (16/21).

[lifepoast]

'ad nauseam': to a disgusting or ridiculous degree, to the point of nausea

eating disorder mention below: this is an old entry that i typed in a very quick flurry at the very beginning of the year and somewhat fittingly i never managed to finish it in a way that 'satisfied' me. i thought it would be better to post it as-is rather than wait until some faraway version of myself decided to finish it off for me

“The best thing would be to write down everything that happens from day to day. To keep a diary in order to understand. To neglect no nuances or little details, even if they seem unimportant, and above all to classify them. I must say how I see this table, the street, people, my packet of tobacco, since these are the things which have changed. I must fix the exact extent and nature of this change.”

here is the opening passage of jean-paul sartre’s nausea that has had me thinking about (my neglect of) my journal lately. it puts the work of journaling next to the work of archiving history and thus under the same moral imperative. to do the work no matter what, no matter how uncomfortable it is to sit before the object—to stop wading through my life and letting it all pass through and fall behind me, to instead syphon out what begs holding onto, and interrogate why it begs—

“...[but] I mustn’t put strangeness where there’s nothing. I think that is the danger of keeping a diary: you exaggerate everything, you are on the look-out, and you continually stretch the truth.”

that is the follow-up sentence that made me think of my past journal entries and their stretches of the truth. i thought about this and realised he had failed to warn against the inverse, and i wonder if the inverse doesn’t have the potential to be even more insidious: i mustn’t leave nothing where there is strangeness. i mustn’t stretch the truth by omission. but i do. when i was asked for reflections on my 2023, what would choke itself in my throat was all i had to say about recovery from my eating disorder, which i had committed to that year. but in a few years i might never have remembered that, because i’ve completely avoided it in my journal, too. for six years my disordered behaviour had been snowballing toward its most painful and dangerous period from mid 2021 to early 2023, and never in all that time had i ever been willing or able to speak to myself about it.

confronting it recently has been my biggest breakthrough yet in “knowing myself,” maybe a cliche turn of phrase, but it’s fitting, i think of an introduction between two people—confronting it has made me suddenly aware, for the first time ever, of a ‘self’ inside of me to be introduced to in the first place. i happened upon the self like a creature in hiding. i think of bergentrückung. it had been dormant for who knows how long—so long that nobody was keeping track, or knew that there was some dormancy or absence to be kept track of. it was found with miraculously enough grip and determination to stick its fingers into reality and to manipulate it in ways previously thought impossible—to change a body as it appeared physically, to change the fundamental function of food, to increase what i thought was a fixed threshold of suffering in order to make room for its goals—goals and plans it had forged in secret, according to its own calculus of logic that the rest of reality was suddenly, easily willing to bend to.

i felt like the suffering had come into its own personality, characteristics, idiosyncracies, almost a tangible entity, which is why i'm speaking about it this way, and whatever its substance it could never, ever have been produced by anyone that wasn't 100% myself—because it was myself, it is purely me. it was self-imposed, constant in waking and in sleep, dual as both a punishment and a reward. i found that delicious—i didn't have to choose one. it was two-pronged: there was the suffering itself, and then there was the suffering of the feeling (but not the fact) that it could have stopped right away, at any moment, had i just lifted a finger and made a change.

that the suffering was as physical as it was psychological, that the changes it wrought were visible not only to myself, but to others, such that i could know that the change was actually REAL!—it all buckled and gave way to the new suffering of this new knowledge that i could touch reality and change it in a logical input-output relationship.

now there is no excuse for the inertia, inaction, ineffectiveness everywhere else in my life. 

so this is what everything has been working toward—years worth of scalding water rolling imperceptibly to a boil for me to find out, simply, that there was no reason for me to have all this time been behaving as a side character in my own life. part of the Greek chorus maybe, narrating the events that unfold around me with the detached bemusement of somebody on the outermost edge of the narrative, privileged with unconsciousness.

i learn all this only in retrospect after i begin 'recovery,' a tenuous word that seems to have as many different meanings as there are people committed to it. to me, i guess it is wresting control of the disordered self's cunning and determination to shape the reality around it, and aiming it at my life—the narrative—away from such an inconsequential thing as the flesh with which it's performed.