#Had a weird day yesterday lol
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Guess who's here you luscious band of crazies! Spooky's in da HOUSE!
#Had a weird day yesterday lol#Got stuck in traffic....in a city#Like 10 minutes away from me#Only in SoCal#🤡#Lol anyone wanna hear my ideas for a new OC who's bonded to Ringmaster?#The Contortionist#Name Gattina
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Love Letter - Hug
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS SCENE!! This is the fastest I have whipped out a drawing, probably because there's barely any background.
Based off of Chapter 19 of Love Letter by @lunarleonardo
#love letter#shuichi saihara#maki harukawa#blorbomade#I tried my best but I have 0 pose references so I had to use my brain#and this brain got terrible sleep cause I got both covid and flu shots yesterday#probably 4 hours of sleep and 4 hours of nap#on top of working an assignments from 6am to 10pm (4 hour nap in the middle)#not a fun day let me tell you#saved by the new love letter chapter (^^)#only read the chapter a few hours ago and then jumped on drawing#whoops its 1am... the hyperfixation tax#the arms are still bothering me#both in the drawing and real life (vaccinated on each arm)#shu is twisted at a weird angle that makes maki look bigger lol#ahoge down!! i repeat ahoge down!!!#trying to make maki look sad as possible but I'm not a big expressions drawer#danganronpa
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i finished thesis, won an award, and have graduated.. hello 👋🥸
#i'm not coming back but :') hello#i forgot i even had tumblr still on my phone djdkdkdkdk#i just opened it for the first time in ??? 5 months or smth i think idk for sure#life is weird :')#remember when i said i wanna drop out every day of my life :') bc i suck at design#welp i won an award for my design thesis :')#jsjdjdkdkdkdj#turns out having friends kinda changes your life 🫂#having friends at school has actually :') made me a happier more normal person lol#i haven't been miserable?? i haven't wanted to kms ... i have been so happy and yes school was shitty but i wanted to go and try hard bc#my friends motivated me to stay and try and that's crazy :') idk#felt really loved and like i belonged somewhere for the first time in my life 🫨 like woah ppl like me and wanna be my friend? me??#:') i'm really happy... isn't that weird#i used to want to kms every other day hsjdndkdkdks lol 😭#now i'm like 😭 every day i look forward to waking up bc i'm happy and i have ppl who love me and i wanna see them again and i wanna spend#time with them again and play games with them again :')#literally stayed up till ??? 4 am yesterday talking to one of them like#😭#god jm djjdkdkdkd idk :')#my life is good...#???? IM NOT MISERABLE IDK GUYS#wild af#even winning the award was such a shock like 🥲 damn . who ? me?#ppl from like :') this big design thing in toronto we're praising it too like djdjdodjdkdj#:') it's kinda crazy.. i was super !#man.. i cant believe how 5 months ago i was gonna kms 🥸👆 and now i'm like erm actually maybe we do need to live#:') anyway#i hope ppl on here are doing good 🫨🔨#it is sad to not be here as much but also 👋😌 i'm happy to be free at the same time so ���
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It took a week, but I finally had a cold catch up to me from the Green Day show in the rain. 😭
I hope you all have a lovely weekend though!! I’m taking it easy and popping in and out. 💕
#☆.rei chats#of course when I have two free days and wanna write I get sick lol#it’s been such a weird week#Monday I had a sore throat#Tuesday to Thursday a cough#and now yesterday and today congestion#so hoping I kick it by next week and thankfully it’s not Covid#don’t want that for a third time!
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I had a dream last night that I was in the omegaverse and was nesting for my heat and this random alpha tried to push up on me and Bakugou laid his ass out??? and the next day, bc Bakugou was courting me, he gave me his favorite jacket that he wore almost everyday for me to use in my nest and and :(((
#IT WAS SO COMFORTING#and then someone just had to come in my room and wake me -______-#it was so sweet tho#and I’m just now realizing that I actually WAS nesting yesterday during the day??? bc I come on my period this week???#that’s so weird I hadn’t even connected it#so I’m never beating the omega allegations I fear 😔#it was such a cute dream tho#I wanna turn it into a fic LOL#I always wanna turn good dreams into fics#but I already have too many to write on my list so. no fic for now about courting alpha bkg 😔#wait why did I make myself sad ALSJDKDJF#okay gn I’m sleeby and I hope I dream more of my big stronk kind alpha#—in store chit chat! 🍫
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and the award for weirdest sleep goes to...
#todays gonna be a weird i think#might delete socials for a bit#i had a VIVID dream me and one of my mutuals were trying to buy a new Tolkien appendix book or something. new Middle Earth book#and we discovered even opening the book slightly caused us immense eye pain so i confronted the clerk like#WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUR BOOKS#and she was like THOSE HAVE BEEN CURSED GET OUT GET OUT YOU CAN ONLY READ THEM IF YOU PERSONALLY EMBROIDER THE PAGES WITH THE TEXT#and she had like. embroidery kits for the damn book#anyway. that's like the 4th night in a row ive slept badly so.#gonna delete socials and just focus on 1. adding books to librarything. 2. setting up the aerogarden. and 3. finishing this book#i wanted today to be a chill relaxed don't bother with plans day but i think my brain needs a strict to do list lol#also gonna make cabbage rolls for supper. side note the label on that box is REALLY cute ill try and remember to post a photo#not sure if ill make my intended cocktail for tonight. i thought i was sleeping poorly bc i was drinking them before bed but i only had tea#last night and slept worse than ever so. idk. i already have half the ingredients for it...#anyway. the coffeepot is done so i gotta stop rambling and do something#oh side note i found where i went wrong with my budget yesterday LOL i calculated everything monthly EXCEPT my groceries#only added the biweekly/per paycheck number for those which is why i had so much 'extra'#WHOOPSIES#so i gotta redo that and it's actually going to look PRETTY BAD not PRETTY GOOD so
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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it's so cool when you end up looking how you imagine you do anyway hvfsh
#just me hi#i was surprised the other day because i did a double take at the mirror and Who is this hfbshf#i look like me!! what !!#very cool very cool i'm feeling the gender lol#my parents don't really like it but i'm going to dye my hair if i hear it mentioned again lmaoo#like Woah hello it's me!! so awesome i love that#i think i've mentioned i used to have a weird anxiety about looking into mirrors At All lol#n now this is fun! hi there is a guy in the mirror :D#:P ~+~+~#//anyway i'm gonna try to finish the drawings i have to for this thing#i got all distracted by stuff yesterday so i didn't get a Thing done hfsh#//i Did finish like 3 chapters of w//thering heights so :33#//also went to the grocery store and ouh the people there had such cool hair#nothing else to say on that. they just had really cool hair :3#//anyway gonna go now ! it's raining so no chance of outdoorsy things happening hfhs#/also i got sick last night i think ? or it coulda been something else but i had to sit in the bathroom for a little bit Loll#//Okay i am On my way now :>>#catch you on the farside of the moon ! toodles
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Haven’t had power for the past day and a half (it’s back now) and I am. So. Cold.
#That’s all lol#I literally was doodling Nicky by fucking candlelight yesterday lmaooo#Honestly if it didn’t put me even more behind with school I wouldn’t have minded all that much#Ah this and the heater for my fish tank was obviously not working so I was getting nervous 😟#Took the time to plan out some fanfiction hehe#But yeah it’s below freezing out so it’s just kinda gradually been getting colder in here#My phone and laptop died very quickly aha#Which again were it not for school stress actually woulda been more of a good thing than not tbh#:( a lot of stuff in the fridge has gone bad#If you’re wondering the outage was cause we had tonnss of freezing rain which wreaked havoc#If you don’t know what freezing rain is#Consider yourself lucky!#That’s it aha just blugh weird day and a half
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lalala
#just kidding i’m not done yet but it’s going in the tags#also just ignore this we don’t have to like talk talk about it but. yknow. anyway#being sick this week didn’t do anything good for the part of my brain focused on how i look and whatever#bc i got dressed yesterday after being in bed sick for an entire day and a half and was like ????#then i weighed myself which was a stupid mistake and. whatever. stupid lol#and i’ve been feeling weird since xo#anyway yeah no if i could wish away bd issues from everyone i would because it fucking sucks :)#anyway sorry i just had to get this out of my brain lmfao#this has been a rant
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#no updates but this has basically become a nightly diary ritual that my buddies get to see lol#been a weird day ngl#having thots tm#been the first day i haven't done a ton of moving stuff since the beginning of last week so i've had a lot of time to think#didn't speak to them today but you know maybe it's for the best#once i have my work schedule for the week i'm gonna take them up on their ice cream offer#just because i already miss seeing them as frequently as i was lol#lifes been good tho#i was driving back from my new place either today or yesterday and couldn't stop smiling#and i count that as improvement#hit some pretty low spots the last few months but it's getting better#still got that 'you're really amazing' rattling around in my head tho lol#don't think i'll stop having that in there for a long while
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Just had my peak anti social moment
#somebody i hadnt met yesterday at lab introduced himself to me#later he came by again asking if i wanted to have coffee with them in a bit#i'm really stupid so i took that literally i said thank you i already had mine i only drink it once a day#the way he looked at me ahdhdhhfjf i weirded him out so bad#now he keeps looking at me weird everytime i see him 😕#man be nice to me i'm literally smiling all the time it's just that i grew up anti social lol#nesi rants
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i am having traumatized kid thoughts so dont read the tags if it makes you uncomfortable
#i just think its weird that while my abuse was the worst thing that happened to me im just too used to the fact it happened#the few memories i have are horrible but my brain registers them as just memories. like going to the park#they are extremely fucked up but also. 'my dad once hit me so hard i ended up on the floor' and 'i went grocery shopping yesterday'#are both things that happened. and thats why sometimes i dont realize i *shouldnt* freely talk about my trauma to people i barely know#it can make them uncomfortable and thats the most understandable thing ever; especially if they didnt went through trauma too.#im the problem here; whos too sensitive due to trauma but ironically desensitized to it. sometimes i have days where i get crisis#for everything that happened; but other days im just “well that was a weird time in my life lol shit just happens i guess”#while still having to deal with the consequences of it.#theres also the thing i cant imagine a childhood + teenage years without abuse. i try to think about it but i go blank.#its such an integral part of myself i cant imagine my life taking a different route. no way it could be different; it just had to happen.#why; its something i will forever wonder. it shouldnt have happened but it just had to too. its complicated.#also my horrible memory to the point i cant tell at what age a specific event happened. im not even able to give an approximate#because i genuinely have no idea. maybe it happened when i was 10; or maybe when i was 15. no fucking idea pal. the years all blur together#idk things are just like that#abuse tw#negative#? not sure; not really a vent just thinking out loud about serious stuff
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okay but why is my mentor acting so strange around me and lowkey giving me thing "cold" vibe??? what are u trying to say....
#i feel like this week or even like this MONTH has been so so overwhelming....#i feel like ive been doing so much yet so little at the same time#that i haven't had time to just stop and catch up withmyself and rlly just sit n touch grass lol#moonrants#my biggest fear is for him to not be my strongest mentor anymore...which i know is just me overthinking#but the way he treated me yesterday felt so wrong and weird that#i was soooooo sad lol#i was really deep in my thoughts reflecting on if i did anything to bother him#and i shouldn't!!! like im just a girl </3#and at the end of the day he's just a mentor period!!!#but i think the reason why ifeel so slum is bc#i look up to him so highly#like pedastal is HIGH#so im scared that im not making him proud of me or something#ugh#idek... this field sometimes jsut wants to kill me alive i feel
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ah the joys of the 2 hour nap
#wanting to sleep more vs if i do itll fuck up the rest of my day. not that i have anything going on but. wont sleep tonight when i Need to#also tummy hurt a little. i think from the coffee milk tea + coffee jelly....... then sleeping and not like. drinking water or anything to#wash it down. idk i get weird w coffee like it makes me sick sometimes lol#whatever. happy sunday im doing a lot better today than i was yesterday. yesterday was just awful and im sorry to anyone that#had to deal w me <3 anyway enjoy the rest of ur saturday ok bye love you <3#talk tag
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...
#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
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