#HUH there is joy in the world
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sketchies of selkie au spot smalls and pips !!
#ive been Thinking about drawing them for a while but with recent strangeties i think i need to become the girlsies content i want to see#it is the joys pf being an artist to bring stocky mechanic femme spot into the world#oh and shes filipina#and my BABIES i dont think i’ve done smalls before !!#pips’ duties mostly involve holding flashlightd and absorbing every word that comes out of spots mouth#(spot wants to keep pips safe. pips wants to prove she can keep up)#smalls is the resident scamp. alley cat.#newsies#im imagining somebody watching the proshot and then coming on the newsies tag to find this like. huh. whuh#selkie au#spot conlon#smalls newsies#pips newsies#brooklyn girlsies#pip does drawings
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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you know i had a fun little vp idea i wanted to do for the cyberpunk anniversary but i haven't had the energy to even touch it recently so i'll just settle with saying that this game impacted me in ways i never thought it would when i first picked it up 3 years ago. i knew i would enjoy it, i had been looking forward to it for a long time, and despite a ~controversial~ launch, i had a fucking blast from day 1 (on ps4 no less). regardless of bugs and memes and public dunking, the story grabbed me like nothing else could at the time, and it reignited so much of my passion and motivation for art that i had lost in the clutches of mental illness and i'll always be grateful for that. it introduced me to so many wonderful people (some whom i carry very close to my heart), and maybe most personally surprising, it gave me an outlet to understand parts of myself that i had been too afraid to acknowledge for a long time, the courage to accept and embrace myself as non-binary, and allow myself to just BE without trying to convince myself i'm crazy. that's not what i expected from the get-go but it's been a really fun journey to be on ngl
#yeah this fandom been a little rocky in places but i would be lying if i said this community here wasn't special to me#so much love and passion and creativity to be around and be inspired by#so many people who have been impacted by this silly little heartwrenching game#devs who have poured their heart into it to deliver something genuinely incredible#its one of those strange things that really did fully change the trajectory of this little leg of my life#to think that until 3 years ago i hadn't even touched art in a decade#now there are lovely people who want to spend money on my work#3 years ago i bought my first (and only) refurbished ps4 to play this game and now im sitting on a fancy gaming laptop#ive said it before but vp has been such an important creative outlet too#its allowed me to live my dreams of being a film director. a cinematographer. a writer.#the whole game has let me be so damn self-indulgent sometimes i feel like a kid again just unashamedly playing barbie#finding the JOY of just. creating.#i learned so much about myself through an OC because of this game#it went from 'huh what is this feeling? gender envy?' to being like full blown 'oh yea. i get it now.' so much of my life makes sense kfslf#and i met people who mean the world to me on top of it all#woof anyways#i know i say it a lot but genuinely thank u to yall who have encouraged me and supported me and who enjoy the things that i make#youve made such a difference in my life without knowing it!
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(rattling cage noise)
#trans#transmasculine#non binary#transmasc#ftm#fox selfies#i feel so bored and like im not experiencing life#i jus work and work and work#i dont go out cause i need to save money for a big trip in dec#but like covid really did that huh#i miss cons#i miss feeling joy and creativity in cosplay#im too tired and too drained to be creative outside of my illustrations but damn#glad i still have that creativity flowing#but i miss photography and cosplay photography and cosplay in general#i miss acting#i just feel so stifled and dead to the world#OTL#vent over
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all pokemon games are good but they are not all equally as good
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#pokemon#as a person who has played pretty much every main pkmn game in some capacity#i can find things in them that are worth praise#but like obviously they can't all be the same level of good. there are so many factors to a pkmn game to be balanced#some have a great region. some have a great story. some have just a solid gameplay experience. all of them have great music lol#i could even play devil's advocate and praise bdsp for being a truly faithful remake and pretty incredible for a studio first Real game#but mainly i keep thinking like. everyone has shat on the new pkmn games ever since gen 5 especially#but then over time people are like Huh they aren't so bad after all#like once you get out of the gamehate wormhole generated by inflammatory social media posting you can appreciate a thing more#and there may still be people out there who think red/blue are the best ones. and y'know they have a point#even though objectively those games were littered with bugs to the point where some normal mechanics were not correct#and things just got more complicated and sophisticated with abilities and new types and better moves and stuff#the original games are absolute Miracles to have been made at all and for what they're worth they were Revolutionary#it was a simpler time but the ideas put forth were still pretty complex. especially considering this was the First One#this is the foundation all pokemon games thereafter rose from. and it's a pretty solid foundation despite all the hardships#anyway. i love pokemon. and i love that even after all this time - over 25 years - its spirit from back in 96 still remains in some form#it may not be about catching em all anymore. because physically that's really hard to do with over 1000 guys now#but it's still about finding joy in following a dream of adventure with a bunch of cool animal friends#and sometimes you save the world a little bit. that's p cool
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LMAO can you imagine reading a story where two traumatized FIFTEEN year old boys going through a consistently life threatening situation and simultaneously learning that they have a lot to navigate in their romantic relationship revealed by this time that is Very Hard because it reveals a dissonance in their understanding of the world. where they then both become separately aware of and commit to amending and understanding one another, to the point that they are able to begin discussing how one of their Perspectives has been very hurtful to his bf followed by several apologies and acknowledgements that the former didn't understand but wants to.
Where the bf who had been feeling very hurt is able to safely and healthily express how the others perspective maybe wasn't fair to him and potentially counter to a lot of what he stands for but maybe has skirted around bc of perceived judgment. Where him doing so is in direct pursuit of his own trauma recovery. Where the bf who didn't understand proceeds to show several instances of him actively trying not only to amend his judgement but to show explicitly that he is actively working in real time to expand his world view, because he didn't understand before but that doesn't mean he can't come to understand.
Where they learn about conflict in a relationship and how it's not always explosive but can be insidious as it creeps up in the both of you quietly if you don't actively seek resolution. Where they show incredible skill at listening to eachother to understand, and the bf who has spent this time thus far exhibited as The Good One of the two is able to admit and understand where he has gone wrong and chooses to see that the world is more complicated than he thought. To realize that darkness can facilitate growth and that harsh reactions often come from a place of hurt and it's not fair to inflict punishment onto something just because it's scary, that it's important to extend your hand first and try for understanding, even with things you've spent your life considering Inherently Bad/Evil like death.
Where the hurt bf is able to focus on embracing the hard parts of his life and how they've shaped him and lean even further into his nature of Reaching Out to those in need that other folks shy away from while also maintaining the beginnings of a healthy conversation with his bf about what that means to him. Where he is able to acknowledge how the world has hurt and judged him and use his newfound safe space to find even more people he is ready to open up to and lean on separate from his partner and his partners individual journey into understanding him.
can you IMAGINE reading this beautiful story abt two fifteen year olds learning these really hard lessons together that so many adults cannot grasp, learning to navigate conflict by understanding that they love eachother and that is enough to facilitate the conversations required to keep going if they're willing to try
can you IMAGINE reading such a poignant story about the beginnings of recovery and escaping a state of Survival to become who you are and who you want to be, of showing that recovery is not as easy as choosing to ignore the torment build into your perception of the world - but that you can get to a place where you can begin choosing to understand and accept those things in order to be able to choose your own idea of happiness, of showing light in the dark and dark in the light, of showing the strength in being true to yourself as you depend on oneanother, of having a harsh and difficult past and getting to a point where you're able to look back and say I Don't Want To Do That Anymore, of opening your eyes to the beauty of dark things and letting go of a Very Human instinct to condemn them because you're able to see how you may have been wrong and can now choose to expand how you see the world
can you IMAGINE reading that book and your take away being
"this healing teenager is Cringy and OOC in his recovery bc he acts like a dorky teenager experiencing joy and his boyfriend is Evil bc he's OBVIOUSLY against everything the other stands for TOXICALLY and should be cast aside because he doesn't deserve his partner if he doesn't immediately understand every aspect of his trauma without them discussing it as, again, a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD"
#this is about the sun and the star#tsats#anyway I'm mad bdnsnskx#would ABSOLUTELY recommend this book#some of yall just can't handle complicated situations or that reconnecting to joy in Pure Teenage Silliness can be one of the great gifts#of trauma recovery#yall said this book about choosing to see how scary things are not inherently evil as a practice and world view you have to cultivate#obviously is saying that the character who learns this lesson the most in the book is trash for not knowing it and accidentally hurting#someone close to them#bro that's life#HUH#like did we read the same book#smdh#also like. this is just a post I really am NOT opening myself for tsats debate#if you hate the book whatever but I just feel like there's gotta be a fundamental misunderstanding of what happened in it
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You know what I love about comparing these scenes? Is that yes the visual parallels are 😍😍😍 and the similarities between Rory and Lucy, and Jess and George are so so perfect down them standing in exactly the same places-
HOWEVER, there is one way in which actually their roles in this scene are actually REVERSED.
In ARWAV we see Lucy observe George while she remains unseen by him, it’s this lovely moment where she just gets to indulge in how beautiful she finds him and look without being seen. And then, of course, he turns and sees her and is so overwhelmed by her beauty in return that he rushes up to kiss her.
Meanwhile in GG it’s JESS who is observing RORY for a moment before she turns and sees him. The roles get swapped and then to top it all off its RORY who kisses JESS.
It’s like taking that scene from ARWAV and saying ‘what if Lucy kissed George?’ I love it SO MUCH!!!
#literati#a room with a view#rory x jess#lucy x george#rory gilmore#Lucy Honeychurch#jess mariano#george emerson#LOOK AT THE HAND PLACEMENT IN THE KISSES#jess is literally on lucy's side and rory is on george's!!!#like why go to the trouble of drawing a direct visual parallel to then flip their positions huh???#there is a distinct possibility i am reading too much into this but i dont caaaare#comparing these hopeless romantics gives me joy in a joyless world#in conclusion gilmore girls is a room with a view fanfiction and i will not be taking questions
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Why is everything coming crashing down in the world recently within the past few years like actually
#the wars the pandemics the ai-poccalypse#and like literally everything else#the world kind of feels like its going to shit#pardon my language#but genuinely#its getting harder and harder to find joy in the little things#because all of these big horrible things happening are drowning them out#obviously its still possible but like#wow#we are genuinely in the bad timeline huh#idk#bun rambles
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initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.
#i have been possessed by my fourteen year old self.#except now i am *way* less ashamed of my interests#<- oh wow when you're in a place where all your interests that are unique to you are shamed constantly you stop enjoying them#there were so many things i hoarded as ''just mine'' because i was scared that they'd be stolen from me in one way or another#because either it'd be co-opted and i'd have to confirm to their view of said interest. or i'd be shamed and belittled for enjoying it#there are so many little things now (even wider than like. media interests. like literal aspects of myself) that feel wrong to share becaus#the only way to keep it safe was to keep it close to my chest#there are a few names i'd love to go by but as soon as i think about actually telling someone it i feel like i might#(and sometimes do) have a panic attack about it#which is stupid!!! the people around me now love me!!!! and i love them!!!!!#all that to say. being able to post about armand and dm is kind of like. a rebellion i guess#tvc and specifically armand were so important to me because back then i kind of saw myself in him? v. jaded and disconnected with the world#and seeking someone to bring them forward and into a new space to try and reinvent themself#and wanting someone to love them hard enough that it encompassed everything#i wanted to be what daniel was to armand and what armand was to daniel#<- very healthy way to think about the world and relationships btw <3 i was so normal and fine and this was not a sign something was wrong#god this turned into a bit of a vent thing huh.#i'm not like. feeling big feelings i should clarify. i feel like i'm examining them from a distance and taking notes like a scientist lol#it's a thing of like. knowing how unhealthy everything was and acknowledging that i'm healing. slowly; sure. but i am healing#i got to play a game one of them had tainted last week. it was hard and fun and i had big feelings when i was playing#because it was a little triggering. but i did it. i managed. i felt better for it.#i told my partner about one of my favourite bands back in 2021 and now they listen to them too and that's a little bit of joy#because it was one of the things that was deemed ''bad'' and that i can share that with someone now and feel safe to love it is good#and being able to be as obsessive and hyperfixated as i am right now without it being unsafe is really really lovely#and it is making me lean into it! i can engage with this without guilt! i want to fuck that old man!#it's silly and difficult and big and great and awful and complicated. but it's allowed to be. i'm allowed to be.
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i love alfira so much you don't get it that's my GIRL 😭
#found her for the act 3 scene and CRIEDDDDDDD#taryn saying she'll send all her students to alfira's school is something that can actually be so personal#i really think taryn believes alfira is the best bard of her time. which on one hand what. but on the other hand maybe she's right.#she does the act 1 scene and then smiles for the first time in days because now there's no pressure to be the greatest bard in the world#she's met the person who is better than her and it fills her with joy. perhaps her wildest response to anything#she met volo and was like huh i kinda wanna watch him get torn apart by wolves
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I love being an online in-law to OffGun. They fill me with such joy and they help keep my depression at bay 🫡
one offgun content a day, keeps depression at bay 😌😌😌
xxx
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#me? cry in the car before going to a work meeting because i feel like my heart was taken from me yet again?#unfortunately yes#visitation would be good they said#it will ease the ache they said#i'm here to tell you that it felt like both the best & worst thing to ever exist#because you have an hour of bliss & then realize you have to say goodbye to him until next month#and time is not real & neither of you wanted to leave but here we are#so yes i feel raw#but the world doesn't care so i sobbed sucked it up and went to see people afterwards like nothing happened#life is so great huh#what a joy indeed#steph.text
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constantly forget how interconnected the theatre world is and that i'm always one or two people from one of my favorite actors 😭😭😭
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sometimes it’s hard to remove myself from school and remember that i’ve always loved to learn
#crazy how that works huh? i’m naturally a very curious person#i always want to know how everything works. what it’s made of#it’s why i like my anatomy class so much#but i mean ever since i was a kid i’ve been a learner#i would watch ted-ed videos for hours on end. i knew ted for ted-ed years before i knew about ted talks#i even used to watch crash course’s ap psychology series as a kid#it was fun revisiting that sophomore year. made covid a little easier#but school isn’t an environment that fostered that curiosity in me#not since 5th grade anyways#it became less about ‘look at how wonderful the world is’ and more about ‘you’re gonna be in the real world someday’#it was ‘set an example for the other kids.’ it was ‘don’t get lazy now and mess up your gpa for high school.’#it was all just scores and numbers. everything beautiful and unique about learning had been stripped away#and replaced with cold stale machinery. i stopped learning and started answering#i’m lucky that i’ve always been a good tester. i can rely on it when i need to#except for a long long time i forgot how to learn#how to explore the world as a curious ape#but i’m learning now that that curiosity never left. that yearning for new knowledge is still present#it’s damaged yes but i can recover it. i want to learn to be curious again#i want to like learning again. i won’t let a stupid report card strip my life of joy again#hm. ig since i’m about to graduate i’m feeling introspective#i’m excited for college. everyone’s always told me i’m gonna love it and i’m inclined to believe them#can’t wait to learn just for the sake of it. i’m gonna take as many humanities courses as i can fit#i don’t remember which artist said it. maybe picasso?#but i think it’s true that we’re all just seeking the freedom of our childhood selves. perhaps our purest forms#children are artists and scientists and inventors. i think everyone’s looking to rediscover that#part of why i use love to make all of my art. i create simply to partake in the joy of it#and isn’t that lovely :)
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Got to clue my family into the fact that when I make an impromptu plan to head to the beach it is because I have gone thru a debilitating mental breakdown and I am rewarding myself for living with a little day trip
#'wow you're going to the beach pretty often this year huh... what's that about!'#I'm trying not to kill myself. is that okay? are you okay with that? can I remind myself there is beauty in the world? wallow in it?#there are so few joys in my life and each one is like a finish line that leads into the next race
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Wow! It’s just like “old times” of a week ago, eh, pappy?
#the invaders#the human torch#jim hammond#toro#thomas raymond#old times#pappy#huh#world war two#no joy#roy thomas#frank robbins#marvel comics#comics#70s comics#bronze age comics
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