#HE FUCKING WOULD LISTEN TO LA GAGA

[huevobuevo]

Also if any doctor who editors have dhawan!master scene packs that don’t have any episodes past fugitive of the judoon…. PLEAK sendem to me…

[matthewsgreybubbles]

hey babe i noticed your anons have been kinda negative / mean lately so i'm gonna spice it up a bit!!

what are your top three favorite music artists?? and are there any artists that you like that you think your fav cm characters would like too?

Hiii sweetie! Thank you that's so nice of you. This actually made me think about it for a bit.

I love so many bands that it was hard to choose, but I'm going to say that so we can have a little bit of everything. Various genres.

Motionless in white

She past away

Maneskin

And for the CM characters, I have so many ideas

Emily was goth during her teen years so I'm pretty sure she still listens to goth stuff like she wants revenge or she past away, the 69 eyes, etc.

Garcia is a big Lady Gaga enthusiastic. You cannot change my mind. I kinda see her following 2ne1 too. She's screaming "naega jeil jal naga" on her way to work every morning. To finish she also has a whimsical vibe with her, she might listen to goth stuff sometimes with Emily. Classic stuff like The Cure, Bauhaus or even Depeche Mode you know.

Rossi listen to Eros Ramazzotti. You cannot change my mind. He thinks he is the Italian lover Eros is, but he's not and that's cute.

JJ is quite a pretty preppy girlie so she might listen to Taylor Swift, Sabrina Carpenter or Olivia Rodrigo.

Morgan plays big tough dude so I think he might listen to rap music, stuff like that, but I don't know anything about it sooo. In France, I would have told you that he listens to La Fouine. But I guess it's unknown here. That being said sometimes he secretly listens to what Garcia likes so he can sing in the car with her.

I would like Hotch to listen to 50's / 60's music like Little Richard. I like it in my head.

And Spencer probably used to listen to classical music with Gideon so he still does it. But baby is a troubled baby and I think he would listen to La Dispute sometimes. Helps him to deal with his fucked up life. Post-hardcore emo king.

Okay, that ended up being super long but I loved it.

[josephseedismyfather]

5 songs, 3 outfits

Many thanks to @carlosoliveiraa, @g0dspeeed, @socially-awkward-skeleton, @inafieldofdaisies, @the-silver-chronicles, @noodlecupcakes and @la-grosse-patate, for tagging me in this!🥰 It was really fun! Sorry for the delay, I know it's a reallllly old tag!

Rules: Post 5 songs associated with your OC(s), followed by 3 outfits they would wear.

Harley Jane ❤️

Anyone - Demi Lovato I feel stupid when I pray Why the fuck am I praying anyway? If nobody's listening

Gasoline - Halsey I think there's a flaw in my code These voices won't leave me alone Well, my heart is gold and my hands are cold

I Like It Rough - Lady Gaga Is it 'cause you don't mean it, or because I don't feel it unless it's rough?

FU In My Head - Cloudy June Take me closer, take my clothes off, oh I fantasize If I'm honest, it's more fun when you can't read my mind

Sappy - Nirvana And if you fool yourself You will make him happy

Evangeline Rose 💛

From The Dining Table - Harry Styles I see it's written, it's all over his face Comfortable silence is so overrated Why won't you ever say what you want to say? Even my phone misses your call, by the way

Hymm For The Weekend - Coldplay When I was down, when I was hurt You came to lift me up When I was a river, dried up You came to rain a flood

Hands Clean - Alanis Morissette Ooh, this could be messy but But you don't seem to mind and Ooh, don't go telling everybody And overlook this supposed crime We'll fast forward to a few years later And no one knows except the both of us And I have honored your request for silence And you've washed your hands clean of this

Prodigal - One Republic I'm on the road to who knows where? Look ahead, not behind, I keep saying There's no place to go where you're not there On your rope, I hold tight, but it's fraying

Selling Faith - Matchbox Twenty And I know I ain't been righteous But there ain't nowhere to turn I'm falling, but I don't know how far down I don't need to understand it I just need a guiding light

Austin Randal 💙

Here I Go Again - Whitesnake Though I keep searching for an answer I never seem to find what I'm looking for

I Go To Extremes - Billy Joel Sometimes I lie awake, night after night Coming apart at the seams Eager to please, ready to fight

Sin - Nine Inch Nails It comes down to this, your kiss, your fist, and your strain It gets under my skin, within, take in the extent of my sin

Painkiller - Judas Priest Mankind's on its knees A savior comes from out the skies In answer to their pleas

Wasted Time - Skid Row Paranoid delusions, they haunt you Where's my friend I used to know? He's all alone, he's buried deep within A carcass searching for a soul Can you feel me inside your heart as it's bleeding? Why can't you believe you can be loved?

Even though it's old, gonna send it out. Apologies for doubles and no pressure as always! @wrathfulrook, @trench-rot, @ladyoriza, @cassietrn, @redreart, @hotmessteaparty, @v0idbuggy, @insanityofvaas, @malefiquinn, @strangefable, @chazz-anova, @aristomal, @ocdemon-747, @omen-speaker and anybody else who wants to play. Tag me! 😘

Be added/removed from the tag list here.

[fellasleepinbaltimore]

GFYJUJYV ME WHEN I GET TAGGED TO PICK A SONG FOR EACH LETTER OF MY URL GYJYUU LONG ASS MF URL SCREEEEAAAM (thank you @mithli b7abak)

also y'all bitches already know how I do I am going to add commentary to each song <3 good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor!!!

F - Fernando, ABBA (literally this or Fantasy by Mariah Carey it was so hard to choose)

E - Everywhere, Fleetwood Mac (clearly...)

L - La Bamba, Los Lobos (L is literally the hardest letter so far Jesus Christ!)

L - Last Dance, Donna Summer (honorable mention to Last Christmas by Wham!)

A - Against The Wind, Victory

S - The Story, Brandi Carlile (actually fuck the letter s omg, sorry to Still My Friend by Rubby, Kaysha and Soul of a Man performed by Stark Sands from the Broadway musical Kinky Boots you all deserve to win)

L - Lets Groove, Earth Wind & Fire

E - The Edge Of Glory, Lady Gaga

E - El Hal Romancy, Mashrou' Leila

P - Piece of My Heart, Faith Hill (actually p was the most evil I really cannot even list all the the other songs I wanted to put here to all you need to know is it was a blood bath but Miss Hill does deserve to be here thank you)

I - I Touch Myself, Divinyls (easily top i song)

N - No One, Alicia Keys (honestly just gotta go with a classic :)

B - Battlefield, Jordin Sparks (this was also hard wanna mention Barbie Girl by Aqua and so many others but I won't, Jordin ate this song up tho like every time the vocals get me, like listening to this song for nearly a decade and I'm not tired, timeless)

A - Ain't No Way, Aretha Franklin (NO ACTUALLY THIS IS THE WORST ONEEE SO HARD TO PICVKLK, shout out to Akin Ka Na Lang by Morissette Amon and anything by Gaga starting with A, Alejandro, Alice sorry but they don't compare to this rip)

L - Las de la Intuición, Shakira (also honorable mention to La Gata Bajo la Lluvia by Rocío Dúrcal)

T - Tease Me, Chaka Demus & Pliers (so hard shout out Te Plac by 3 Sud Est, Te Dejo Madrid and Te Aviso, Te Anuncio by Shakira)

I - If I Get High - II, Nothing But Thieves (truly a three-way between this, I Know It's Over by Jeff Buckley and I Am a Poseur by X-ray Spex)

M - My Man, Barbra Streisand, Funny Girl (SCREAMING AND CRYING AND THROWING UP!! IM JUST A BOY WHO SUCKS COCK BORN INTO A WORLD WHERE HES FORCED TO PICK ONE SONG STARTING WITH THE LETTER M WHEN THERE'S MERCY BY DUFFY, ME LLORA EL CIELO BY JESSE & JOY ETC ETC HASTA WILLOW SMITH BRO!! I- THIS WAS SO AWFUL but ultimately it is Miss Streisand if she doesn't get one for Piece of Sky it has to be My Man)

O - Origin of Love, Steven Trask, Hedwig and The Angry Inch (strangely enough it was quite difficult to find songs I liked enough to put on o which is weird bc... it's literally my playlist so idk what that says)

R - Rumore, Raffaella Carrà (werk)

E - El Tajo y la Tanga, Nene Malo (EL ICÓNICO, EL INOLVIDABLE!!! NENE MALOOOOO really feel good about ending with him ngl)

thank you for joining me on this journey if you too would like to participate feel free to do so!! here are some tagged folks mwah!

@transboydororo @iminfinitelyinfinitesimal @theranchbandit @vickythecarwash @allosaurusjimmadseni @alvallah

feel free to participate or not

[sanchosammy]

miss gaga can I request a drabble with the prompts, “Did you know that you’re broken?” & “It’s not the first time I’ve been stood up.” okay bye i love youuuu

I love you too miss girl @warrentrash, and OF COURSE YOU CANNNNN. (Please go check out @warrentrash​ because she also does fantastic prompts).

Prompts chosen: “Did you know that you’re broken?” and “It’s not the first time I’ve been stood up.”

You looked at the small watch on your wrist. A beautiful silver watch, it was your grandmother’s and you would only wear it for special occasions. That detail only made you more upset as you looked at the time filled with disappointment. 10:45. He was late... No, at this point, he was far past the term late. He simply stood you up.

What an asshole.

You have been partnered with Javier Peña for well over a year now. Murphy, Peña, and yourself were quite the team. However, in recent months, Javier was hellbent on taking you out on a date. You both had a thing for each other and it was beyond obvious.

And though he asked you several times with that charm you were so fond of... That didn’t stop you from continuously denying him the opportunity. You wanted so badly to accept because you found yourself drawn to Javier like a moth to light, but he was known for being nothing short of a ladies man in the past. And so you remained flirting with him at an emotional distance.

Which is why this moment hurt twice as bad. You finally accepted his offer after he saved your life on the job. One of Pablo’s men attempted to pull a hit and run on you as the two of you investigated a crime scene. Javier practically tackled you out of the way of the speeding vehicle, saving both of your lives in the process. The rush of emotions that night made you finally move past your fears and provide Javi a chance to take you out properly.

He said to meet him at La Rosa at 8:30. A little more high-class restaurant with a bar. A beautiful selection you would’ve given him props for. That was if he had shown up. You didn’t even know why you were still here at this point. False hope that he would show up and explain that this was all a huge misunderstanding? You laughed bitterly before you downed the rest of your drink.

You weren’t sure how many of these you had, but at this point you were nowhere near sober. You slapped money down for the drink before pulling yourself off the stool. You were embarrassed as you climbed into the taxi-cab trying to give him your address in Spanish while being your tipsy. A few attempts before he understood what you were trying to say, but thankfully he worked with you and so you were sure to tip him for the inconvenience. 

Heels were not the best choice to drink in and by the time you were stepping out of the cab, they were in your hands instead. You didn’t care about the dirty sidewalk. You just wanted to go home and drown in self pity. The fact that you’d have to face Javier the next day at work was beyond humiliating. 

You tried to keep quiet as you walked towards the stairway. Javier’s door caught you by surprise as it opened and his eyes found yours, you could see the panic rush through him.

“Wait, wait, (Y/N). I can explain everything.” He rushed forward from the doorway as if you would disappear into thin air in front of you.

You looked at him with such a sourness behind your stare. “Leave me alone, Javi.” 

Your eyes trailed past him. The door was not shut behind him. A woman sitting on his couch caught your attention and apparently you had caught hers as well. The awkward pause from you made Javier follow your direct line of sight and you heard the fuck under his breath. 

“No. No, listen to me cariño. I promise it’s not-.”

“Fuck you Peña.” You could hardly get the words out. The anger inside had your blood boiling. He didn’t expect your next move and you had hardly thought it through, but you found yourself throwing the heels in your hands at him.

“Baby, please listen to me.” He called out behind you as you rushed towards the stairway wanting to never see his face again. Though that was impossible because you worked together, you refused to look at him in this moment. He not only missed your date but for another woman? The man practically pleaded for the chance to take you out for months and this was how he repaid you?

His footsteps weren’t immediate to follow you to the top of the stairway. The sound of him closing his door echoed off the walls instead. However, you couldn’t have been that lucky because the sound of his footsteps were now rushing up the stairs that led to your apartment. You just almost made it in time to close the door on him, but he threw his body into the doorway stopping you in your tracks.

“Get away from me.” You called out pushing the door against his body. You didn’t care if it hurt him in the process. He pushed against your strength, which wasn’t hard considering your tipsy state. “You’re a piece of shit, Javier!”

“Cariño,” He kept his voice calm, he understood how it looked and he knew how badly it had to hurt. He was a piece of shit. Even if it wasn’t for the reason you thought, he still shouldn’t have done things this way.

“No, don’t you fucking cariño me. Just because you’re broken inside doesn’t mean you have to drag me down with you,” You replied with venom in your words. You stopped pushing the door against him causing Javier to almost fall in from the lack of pressure to fight against. You didn’t skip a beat as you continued, your voice now much lower but your drunken bitterness continued “Did you know you’re broken, Javi? Drowning your sorrows into women, that isn’t healthy. I thought you wanted to change… I thought you wanted me.”

He didn’t miss how your voice broke at the end. And it hurt him more than he could’ve thought. You turned around shaking your head, a sob breaking out as you tried to keep it together in front of him.

The words had hurt him. It cut a little too deep, and if he wasn’t in the wrong his pride would’ve turned him right out the door. You were right. He was a broken man in many ways, and he had spent most of his time trying to find the answers in anywhere else but himself. That changed with you though, he hadn’t slept with an informant in months after he realized how badly he wanted to be with you.

You brought in a hope and peace that he hadn’t felt in many years.

His arms wrapped around you before you could escape into your bedroom door, which wasn’t hard because at this point the fight in you had left. You were drunk and emotional, and worst of all, you were beyond hurt.

“Please, let me explain,” He whispered out. His hand softly brushing against your hair in an attempt to soothe your heartache. You were so tired you allowed him to pull you towards the couch and sit you down. He didn't sit beside you though, he was on his knees looking up at you.

“I swear. I know how it looks, (Y/N). I promise on everything I have ever loved, it is not what it looks like.” His voice was soft as he reassured you. His thumbs wiping away the tears on your face in the process.

You let out a sigh and shook your head. “It’s fine, Peña. It’s not the first time I’ve been stood up. If you didn’t want to go out to dinner, you should have just told me instead.”

His heart broke into pieces at the confession, and the fact you thought he didn’t want to be at the dinner with you. He lifted your chin so your eyes would meet his. You could be put in a trance with those deep brown eyes of his.

“I wanted to be at dinner, hermosa. I was about to leave when an old informant came in, Pablo has a hit on her because she witnessed one of his meetings. I knocked on your door, I called the phone, but I couldn’t get in contact with you… I know I am a piece of shit because I put work first, but I couldn’t leave her to die. The three of us need this to catch Escobar.”

He gathered your hands together in his and stared at you. He was quite literally on his knees begging at this point. “You have every right not to… but please, (Y/N). Forgive me for this.”

You looked at him for a moment. Your voice came out quiet like a child who was scared to ask a simple question, but truthfully you were scared you wouldn’t like the answer. “You didn’t sleep with her, right?”

“No.” He kissed your hands and looked back up at you “Nothing happened, I’ve been waiting for you to get home.”

With a long exhale you nodded. “Okay, I forgive you Javi… I’m sorry for what I said.” Embarrassment was stuck with you with all this new information, the scene downstairs looked so stupid now.

“Don’t worry about it.” He offered a soft smile and you returned it. His hands softly rubbed yours as silence filled the room for a second. The both of you calming down from the dramatic episode that just played out.

“You look beautiful by the way.” Your cheeks became warm at the sudden compliment. You leaned forward resting your forehead against his shoulder in an attempt to hide your blush. He didn’t attempt to hide his chuckle in response.

“Thank you.” You finally force out. “I’m not going to lie, Javi... I’m drunk.

“Yeah, I know.” He laughed before standing up, softly pulling you with him. He didn’t hesitate to pick you up bridal style. He carried you to your bedroom as he teased, “Drinking without me, that’s cruel Y/L/N.”

“I’m just surprised I made it home. Turns out Spanish with a few drinks in is a challenge.” You joked as he sat you on the bed. You noticed the disapproving look he gave in response, more out of concern than anything. He didn’t mention how he almost called Murphy to drop his position in a mission to go looking for you instead. He looked through your dresser and found some baggy shirt that would do for the night.

His fingers unzipped the back of your dress before he kissed the top of head. “Get dressed, I’ll be right back.”

He left the room while you attempted to change for the night. It had only been hardly two minutes, but by the time he had come back you found yourself under the covers barely awake. He placed a glass of water on the nightstand and kissed your head once again.

“Listen, I fucked up tonight.” His voice was quiet as he sat beside you on the edge of the bed. His thumb gently stroking your cheek as he watched your sleepiness start to take over. “You don’t have to decide now but I want to make it up to you. Whenever you’re ready, if you are ever ready, just let me know.”

He cleared his throat. Emotions weren’t his thing, he’d consider them something new he was exploring again after many years of pushing them down. But he was willing to try again, that was if you were involved.

It was small, but a smile formed on your face. He hardly caught your reply, “Next Thursday, asshole.”

He bit his lip trying to contain his own satisfaction. He had pulled a lot of deals with people all over. People on the street and people in the government, some of them being literally his job on the line. However, this was a different kind of fulfillment. He wanted nothing more than a chance with you and he just got it.

“Goodnight, mi amor.” You could feel his grin as he kissed your hand. The sound of the door closing this time was a lot more peaceful and satisfying to hear.

You knew he couldn’t hear you, but in your sleepy love-drunken state you mumbled it out anyway. “Goodnight Javier.”

[afrival]

Hetalia Characters and Their Music Tastes

I’ve been in the hetalia fandom for like a year now and I stg thinking abt what these bitches listen to NEVER gets old

no warnings

will feature mostly modern day music, like 1950s-2010s

I don’t know a lot of artists that don’t sing in English so there’s probably A LOT that I’m missing on here, not even including shit from like the 1800s

The Allies

Alfred:

Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood, The Chain by Fleetwood Mac, Crazy In Love by Beyoncé

- Listens to basically everything, but particular fond of like 80s rock and early 2000s shit

- Likes country music bc ofc he does, a huge fan of Carrie Underwood, Sam Hunt, and The Band Perry

- Got his love of rock from England 💀 Especially during the like the 60s-80s when Queen, The Beatles, and Elton John really popular

- They really only bond over their love for this period of music lmao like they would absolutely go ape during karaoke

- He loves more mainstream artists like Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, all those iconic mfs

- Probably enjoys old wartime music just for nostalgias sake. Shit from the 40s and he listens to Civil War tunes (Union Dixie lmao)

- Definitely listens to musicals and forces Ivan to as well. His favorites are Hamilton, Hairspray, and Chess

- LOVES LOVES LOVES The Backstreet Bogs holy shit. This man had a whole phase where he dressed like they did. Don’t even dare play I Want It That Way because he WILL sing along

- Speaking of which he’s actually a really good singer, like he probably used to sing at clubs and shit back in the day

- It’s very specific but I imagine his voice to sound like Taron Egerton’s cover of “Crocodile Rock” by Elton John

Arthur:

Killer Queen by Queen, Set Fire to the Rain by Adele, Tiny Dancer by Elton John

- Old man who had a weird punk phase in the 90s. Definitely listens to The Beatles and Gorillaz

- Like I said, he and Alfred bond over Queen and Elton and Bon Jovi and FUCKING Michael Jackson

- Refuses to admit he really likes Elvis

- Oh boy. He had so much fun in like late 2000s and early 2010s— Panic at the Disco, MCR, Green Day, he absolutely got his ears pierced during this time

- Doesn’t listen to like current mainstream music that much he will sob to Adele and probably really likes the Cry Baby album by Melanie Martinez.

- Francis plays so much Lady Gaga in the car that at this point he really likes her music

- He likes Ed Sheeran I am so sorry </3 and he absolutely gets bullied for it

- He can sing too honestly? I know I just said he listens to Ed Sheeran but I honestly think he kinda sounds like him too just maybe a little deeper

- Listen to Galway Girl and you’ll get a basic idea of what I imagine he sounds like

Ivan:

Dance and Cry by Mother Mother, Baby One More Time by Britney Spears, смерти Больше нет by IC3PEAK

- THIS MANS MUSIC TASTE MAKES NO SENSE. It ranges from fucking Aerosmith to Ic3peak to Lady Gaga

- Literally has every Mother Mother album downloaded and probably on Vinyl bc he’s a fucking dweeb

- Also a huge musical stannie, loves Wicked and Hairspray

- He and Al will split the parts to sing along to in the car

- Alfred made him listen to Britney Spears ONCE in like the 90s and now he’s obsessed

- Speaking of the 90s he went absolutely fucking ape during this time. The USSR wasn’t very big on western music but when it fell there was a HUGE influx of it and suddenly like it was just his favorite thing ever

- Alfred also got him into Carrie Underwood, literally lost of his music taste comes from Alfred forcing him to listen to shit

- During the 70s/80s he got really into Fleetwood Mac and Aerosmith, maybe even a little bit of disco but not a lot

- Went to a club with Al a few times and he won’t ever forget dancing to Footloose by Kenny Loggins at like one in the morning and having the absolute time of his life, easily one of his favorite memories

- Like I get so soft thinking about him just letting loose and actually having fun, even though he was very stiff and shit during the 1900s

- He can’t sing LMAO but my friend and I said once that he could lowkey rap really well and now it’s all I think about

Francis:

From Eden by Hozier, La Vie En Rose by Edith Piaf, Primadona by Marina

- If you look up the gay agenda his playlist would just show up

- I mean seriously he has it all: Lana Del Rey, Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and Lorde

- HOWEVER she does really enjoy softer sounding music. Edith Piaf, Louis Armstrong, and Vera Lynn are favorites of his

- Listens to the Les Mis soundtrack like once a month

- REALLY REALLY loves Hozier, like a whole lot. He’s probably one of his favorite artists along with Sufjan Stevens

- Even more of his homo playlist includes Marina, Madonna and Troye Sivan

- Bullies Arthur for liking Ed Sheeran but he also really likes Ed Sheeran, just refuses to admit it

- Stromae ofc 🙄🤚 can’t just not include like the most popular French musician or whatever

- He can also sing but he sounds kinda raspy, it’s nice tho

Yao:

- I don’t think he listens to music LMAO, if he does it’s probably instrumental

The Axis

Ludwig:

Elastic Heart by Sia, From Now On from The Greatest Showman, Natural by Imagine Dragons

- Also doesn’t really listen to music but my friend said that when he does it ranges from classical to heavy metal

- For some reason I think he really likes Sia, he seems like a Sia kind of guy

- Doesn’t listen to Hozier but really loves Take Me to Church

- Most of his music listening comes from giving Feli the aux in the car

- The whore listens to Imagine Dragons like he fucking loves them

- When The Greatest Showman came out he had the soundtrack on repeat for a solid month, From Now Onis one of his favorite songs ever

- Cannot sing Jesus Christ do not let him near a mic

Feliciano:

Thank u, next by Ariana Grande, Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder, Bella Ciao by Manu Pillas

- Pop music! So much pop!

- Loves Ariana Grande and Conan Gray

- Probably listens to A LOT of classical because of his time with Austria

- His music taste is kinda all over the fucking place and it’s mostly happy and peppy shit

- Weirdly tho he listens to GRLwood? Like it’ll just shhow up on shuffle and suddenly he’s an entire different person

- Will listen to absolutely everything just to find something that Ludwig likes, was so proud of himself when Ludwig really ended up loving The Greatest Showman

- Doesn’t sing but plays like 5 instruments. Violin and piano are his faves

Kiku:

It’s Been So Long by The Living Tombstone, Faded by Alan Walker, Ophelia by The Lumineers

- LISTEN. LISTEN. HE LOVES VIDEO GAME MUSIC AND FUCKING THE LIVING TOMBSTONE

- The fnaf songs are his guilty fucking pleasures, he fucking loves them

- Loves loves loves the Undertake Soundtrack

- Listens to a lot of anime openings 💀 Me too tbh they’re so good at for what

- Big fan of TheFatRat

- In general he enjoys techno shit? Idk what the word is but it’s a lot of instrumental

- Listens to regular music as well (The Lumineers especially)

- Likes listening to Elvis because it makes him happy to see Alfred having fun

- Feli also introduces him to a lot of music but he can never fucking remember the names of the songs or artists

- He hums a lot rather than sings, and it’s really soft and gentle

If anybody wants any more characters lmk bc I love coming up with these, also I do have playlists for these bitches 😎✌️ Spotify is in my linktree (bio)

[mrthomasdoherty]

thoughts on hummelberry? i hate them and i feel that kurt was never more ruined as a character than when he was with her.

It's funny you should ask, dear non. I just got into a heated rant with my spouse about hummelberry today. Mostly my spouse listening to me rant, because of the recent scene I reblogged? Yes, the one in season 4 where Kurt puts Rachel in her place by popping her inflated ego.

Let's preface this by saying that hummelberry does have good moments - Rachel coming to Kurt's defense to get their football boyfriends to stand up to Karofsky in season 2, the speech she gives in Swan Song, and then the one she gives in season 5's "A Katy or a Gaga". There are times where she steps up to the plate and is a good friend to him for a change. And of course they're cute when they break onto the Wicked stage in season 2, the Christmas elf outfits in season 5, the excitement over being in Vogue and then going to that showcase with Santana in season 4. There is potential! But they missed the mark by making Rachel awful when it comes to Kurt. "Best Gay" for example? Shut up and go sit down.

I loathe this friendship. I hate it so damn much. The writers could've made it into a great friendship if they put time and energy into character development instead of needing Kurt to seem relevant in season 3 by attaching him to Rachel's side the entire time out of NO WHERE. Oh wow, two people into Broadway? They totes need to be bff's now for that reason alone haha. Give me a break.

Let's see - in season 2 when Kurt tells them all he's leaving for Dalton, Rachel's more concerned about him being competition then the actual problem of why he's leaving. Then she goes for Blaine after knowing Kurt's feelings about him, but lol who cares because she may get a boyfriend who will keep up with her vocally. Kurt needs some humble pie, because she gets what she wants in the end always, haha.

In season 3, she laughs at him after he chooses her to be his Juliet because him playing anyone masculine is hilarious. Also in season 3 she runs against him for student president, then ruins his winning by cheating - he said he was going to cheat himself, why would she add onto that and make it even more obvious? Oh right, guilty conscious. After Kurt gets his NYADA letter, she makes it about herself by ruining his excitement. When Kurt is against her marrying Finn so young, she tells him that he's just jealous (remember at the time gay couples marrying in Ohio wasn't an option - so yes, he's totally jealous that he can't just marry someone for the hell of it). Then the bullshit of him not getting into NYADA after giving a kick ass performance but she does after harassing Carmen for WEEKS. How the fuck would Kurt consider that fair?! Oh, right, he's always the bigger person who is just happy she gets to go live her dream. Duh. OH and remember when Rachel mentions wanting to see Kurt in a bridesmaid dress???? 😌 get fucked.

Then we hit season 4, and her ditching Kurt for two fake friends who become her echo chamber. These new friends badmouth Kurt and she can only timidly disagree with them but then gets hyped on them hyping her up - and then they ditch her at midnight madness, KARMA OR WHAT?! Speaking of, she went out on a limb and told Kurt that he only got into NYADA because Carmen knew he was friends with her. Not his talent. Not his moving performance on the spot. No, he's clearly not in her league and he should be honored to be bff's with her because that comes with perks, lol. Then when he beats her fair and square, it's a damn narcissistic pity party all over again (oh woe am I, I didn't win, I'm just not gonna be an actress and perform anymore because I suck. Pity me). Not to mention that she asked Brody to move in WITHOUT consulting Kurt at all, which lead to unwanted flashing that Kurt did NOT consent to. (Also how is it that Kurt gets a tiny promotion only because he pulled Rachel into it? Why couldn't he have done that for himself? Why does his success lead back to her this season? Fuck you glee.)

Season 5, she manipulates and gaslights the situation regarding her and Santana's feud by calling Kurt a traitor, "replacing her best gay" with Elliott, and basically stating THEY (Kurt AND Santana) kicked her out when she made that decision on her own. She then ignores Kurt telling her NOT to go to LA and does it anyway because she's so bored of Broadway now apparently. Then Chris' episode of only showing up to Kurt's Peter Pan gig because he called her out on being a shitty friend. If Kurt hadn't done that, she wouldn't have been there (Santana might not have been either, lbr). ALSO THE FUCKING BASH EPISODE?! Again, she only feels bad because Kurt almost DIES and then it's "bff's forever".

Season 6, I didn't pay much attention to. But I do know that while Santana was going off on him with that "rant", Rachel just stood there making faces. Faces that suggested that she agreed with a few of the awful things Santana was saying. And then she got upset when Kurt offered Jane & Mason advice that was actual good TEACHER advice to do better which boy Jane and Mason took to heart and bettered their performance. I do know that Kurt got shit on a lot in this season as well, even Mercedes had to come back to kiss poor whittle Rachel's ass and downplay Kurt's contribution. Like what the fuck is that about. Plot wise season 6 is trash anyway, so, no shock in reality.

I have a theory that has decided majority of those who enjoy hummelberry only want to be in a threesome between Colfer and Lea and that's it. Because they're both pretty people (Rachel in season 4? Hell yes, please more of that to look at, thanks). The fundamentals of this friendship is messed up, and I consider it toxic and emotionally/mentally abusive. There's no growth between them. It's just Kurt being the better and bigger person, while Rachel continues being self-involved until Kurt snaps then it's suddenly 'oh I can't lose him quick gaslight maneuver'. Even when there's consequences, she makes up for it by the end of an episode, but then is back to her usual ways by the next one and onward.

[thepancakeboi]

99. “Do it. I dare you.”

I don’t normally make a note on these writing prompt stuff outside of tags but I feel I have to warn that this one does get very dark and angsty, up to including the potential of character death (no one dies though, I promise). Now, on with the show!

“Let’s go,” Joker’s voice rings out, echoing against the walls of the Mementos station.

Mona jumps onto the tracks, transforming into his car form in midair. The rest of the thieves sans Joker starts to get in. Not everyone had been able to come today. Haru had business involving Big Bang Burger that she had to attend to, leaving it down to the nine of us to finish our Mementos requests. She had apologized profusely in the group chat, but the others reassured her that everything was alright.

I go to get in the back of the vehicle but am stopped by a hand grabbing my arm. I give Joker an unamused look as I ask, “What do you want?”

“You know where you sit,” he replies with a cocky grin to match. I sigh in frustration as I get in the front row after Joker. Every single time, he always wants me to sit right next to him. He refuses to take no for an answer on that. No matter how much outward annoyance I show, I secretly am content with this seating arrangement. I’m fairly certain that he is aware of this as well. It’s even more apparent today since, with Noir not here today, Violet ends up deciding to sit with Panther and Queen in the middle row. Joker echoes my thoughts as he remarks, “Hey, look at that. It’s just the two of us. Anything can happen~”

“Joker, if you try anything, you’re going to lose a limb or two.”

“Sounds fun,” he hums, laughing as I sulk and look away from him. I can’t even threaten him without his goddamn danger kink making its existence known.

“God, get a room, you two!” Oracle yells from the back.

Joker laughs even harder at this. “I might do just that.”

“No,” I say, refusing to entertain this idea any further.

“But Akeppi-”

“I said no.”

He looks disheartened for a brief moment before he smirks. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t Joker starting to sing, “♪ I want your love, and I want your revenge. You and me could write a bad romance~♪”

I whirl around as I hear Panther join in with, “♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!♪”

Joker apparently has no intentions of stopping. “♪ I want your love, and all your lover’s revenge. You and me could write a bad romance~♪”

At that point, Oracle decides it’s her turn, “♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh! Caught in a bad romance!♪”

“Would you three shut up already?” I yell, turning so I can glare at all of them at once.

It’s quiet for all of one second before Oracle and Joker both, of course, decide to ignore me like the menaces they are, simultaneously singing, “♪ Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-ma! Gaga, ‘Ooh la-la’! Want your bad romance~♪”

I groan at their antics. It’s the one annoyance that comes from sitting next to Joker. It’s not the first time something like this has happened. The chances of it being the last are minuscule at best.

The banter between the rest of the thieves continues as we continue to drive through Mementos. At some point, Joker took one of his hands off the steering wheel so that he could hold me close. He still has his arm around me when we run right into a Shadow that decides not to immediately disintegrate upon impact.

“Get ready, everyone!” Mona says in car form. “This one wants a fight.”

“Oh, hell yeah!” Skull shouts. “We’re gonna kick its ass!”

We quickly exit the vehicle while the Shadow is still stunned from being hit head-on by a cat-turned-vehicle. Almost as soon as Mona transforms back into a cat, the Shadow bursts into a black liquid, revealing itself as a Forneus.

I had been hoping for this fight to be done quickly, but this Shadow is decidedly stubborn. We’ve managed to knock it down a couple of times, but it simply refuses to die. After the third such time, it fires a Mapsiodyne that manages to hit all of us. “Queen!” Fox calls out as she collapses.

No communication is needed. Joker and I pull back to tend to her while the rest keep fighting. I bend down so that I can drag her out of harm’s way. However, I pause, sensing Joker’s eyes on me. Not this again. “Joker,” I start, moving Queen as I speak, “maybe you should be a little more concerned about Queen lying unconscious on the floor rather than staring at my ass.”

“Oh. Yeah. Right.”

He quickly summons Sandalphon to revive her. Queen’s eyes flutter open, surprisingly unalarmed that she had been knocked out. It’s such a common occurrence with this group. How they’ve survived for so long, I have no idea. “She’s awake,”  I say, turning back to Joker. “We should get back to the fight.”

He nods. “Let’s go-”

“Joker, look out!” Panther calls out just as he is engulfed in a magenta aura.

He tries to move out of the way, but it’s too late. There’s nothing any of us can do without Noir and her Persona’s Amrita Shower. The aura clears. Joker stands there, his eyes closed. “Joker?” Queen asks from behind me, having gotten herself to her feet.

A sinister grin creeps across his face as he opens his eyes, his attention focused on the two of us. His eyes glow with an unnatural purple light as he rushes at us. “It’s not him!” I yell, blocking his dagger with my sword. His grin only widens, a frenzied look in his eyes. “He’s been brainwashed by that damn Shadow!”

“We gotta do something!” Mona calls out from the frontlines, where he’s working with Skull and Fox to keep the Shadow occupied. “He’ll keep attacking us if we do nothing!”

In an instant, I make my decision. “Keep attacking it, all of you. Oracle, make sure they don’t die doing it.”

“It’ll be easy peasy!” Oracle replies from above in Al Azif.

“I’ll keep Joker occupied while you do that until he snaps out of this brainwashing.” 

“Got it,” Panther responds, her Persona pelting the Shadow with fiery strikes as Makoto charges forward on Agnes.

With Joker’s next strike, I grab ahold of his wrist, fully intending on pulling him away from the fight. However, I’m distracted by Violet tentatively asking, “Is senpai gonna be okay?”

“Damnit,” I hiss as Joker escapes my grasp, his dagger slicing my wrist. “Quit your worrying. He’ll be fine.”

Ignoring Violet, for the time being, I regain a hold of Joker and manage to get the bloody dagger out of his hand. I drag him away, leaving the others to take care of that pesky Shadow. The moment we’re out of its vision, I turn to Joker, sheathing my sword for now. “Pull yourself together, idiot!” I snap, resisting the urge to slap him across the face. “We’re your friends.”

“Friends?” he asks, the first words he’s said in his current state.

“Yes, friends. You have those, remember?”

“No. You’re my enemy!”

He throws himself at me with little regard to the fact that he’s currently unarmed and I have a sword at my side. I struggle against him, trying not to hurt him. My sword stays sheathed. I can’t bring myself to cause him harm, even when he has me backed against the wall. “Joker, listen to yourself! I know you’re still there. You’re brainwashed. The Phantom Thieves are your friends. Don’t you understand? They’re not the enemy.”

“You’re right...it’s just you.” Nothing could have prepared me for what comes next. In one swift motion, he pulls out his pistol, pointing it at my face. His grin becomes wicked and full of malice as he sees my eyes widen in shock. “How does it feel, traitor? Knowing you’re about to die.”

“You won’t shoot me. You can’t.”

Despite how confident I try to sound, my heart pounds in my chest. Chills run down my spine. It takes a considerable amount of effort to hide any possible sign of trembling. I refuse to show any vulnerability to him. I don’t care that he could kill me. Even brainwashed, there’s no way he’s capable of shooting me. This isn’t him. Joker would never do this...would he? “Are you afraid?” he mocks. “Are you going to beg for me to spare your life?”

I look Joker dead in the eye...and laugh.

I am aware of the situation I am in, that Joker has a gun pointed at my head and could shoot me dead at any moment. At the same time, the irony doesn’t elude me. The tables have turned, and now it’s me on the receiving end of the gun. “Do you really think I would stoop so low? I know you’re brainwashed, but I think you’re bluffing.”

“Someone’s eager to die. What was it you said? ‘Case closed. This is where your justice ends.’ But it’s not my justice ending, detective: it’s yours.”

“Then, by all means, pull the trigger. Do it. I dare you.” When he doesn’t immediately react, I add, “Here. How about I make it easier for you?” With slow, deliberate movements, I remove my mask with one hand and push my bangs aside with the other as I tilt my head forward. He has a clear shot now, the cold metal of the barrel pressed against my forehead. Yes, this is reckless. I know that...but he deserves this chance. An opportunity to enact swift judgment on me for my crimes. I’m not worthy of a quick death like this, even with it mirroring my actions in the interrogation room. It doesn’t matter, though. If this is how it ends, then so be it. I couldn’t ask for a better executioner.

I stand there, eyes closed, waiting for death to take me. But the gunshot never comes. I open my eyes, staring past the pistol to the boy currently holding me at gunpoint. His grin isn’t quite as wide as before. He’s faltering. “What’s the matter, Joker? I didn’t hesitate when the situation was reversed. Go ahead,” I say as I close my eyes once again, my voice slowly rising in volume as I continue to berate him, “put a bullet through my skull. It’s only fair, isn’t it? I’ve murdered countless people. I even tried to kill you twice. I don’t deserve to be alive, so get on with it and fucking shoot me already!”

All I hear is a gasp, the gun clattering against the ground. I look up to see Joker, no longer brainwashed. It’s clear that he’s shaken. His lips are parted as he stares at me in wide-eyed horror. “A-Akeppi?” he hesitantly says, voice trembling. His mask isn’t able to completely hide the tears threatening to spill. He’s trying so desperately to pull himself together, but for once, it’s not working. I’ve never seen him so visibly distressed, and it hurts.

“You were brainwashed.” It’s the only thing I can offer as reassurance that I don’t blame him, that it wasn’t his fault.

“You’re...not hurt, are you?”

Figures, he’d ask that question. As always, he’s more concerned about my own well being than his own. “No, of course not,” I lie, hiding the blood on my wrist.

He isn’t fooled. He sees right through my response, as observant as ever. His touch is gentle as he moves my arm into his line of sight. The corners of his lips twitch when he sees the cut. “You are. I didn’t hurt you anywhere else, did I? Tell me the truth.”

“You didn’t.”

We stand there in silence, neither one of us sure how to proceed. I personally want to ignore it and move on, but I can sense that Joker won’t. His inner guilt is eating at him, I can tell. Meanwhile, something tells me he knows I’m hiding something from him. I just don’t want him to know that I had believed he was capable of killing me, even for a second. It’d be too much for him, I’m sure. Joker’s the one to break the silence. “Akeppi, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I instantly respond.

He shakes his head. “No, it’s not. I could have killed you.”

“You didn’t kill me, tho-”

“But I could have,” he interjects before starting to ramble. “I could have killed you. I had my hand on the trigger, and you were willing to just die. What if I had actually shot you...and you had died? Akeppi, I don’t want to lose you again.”

“I’m still here. You wouldn’t have fired the gun.”

“But what if-”

He abruptly goes silent, likely shocked that I’ve pulled him into my embrace, dropping my mask in the process. “Ren, trust me,” I say in a slow, hushed tone, dropping the codenames for now so I can get through to him. “It’s okay. I’m here for you, and I will continue to love you as much as before. Nothing will change that.”

“Goro...” His voice hitches as he returns the hug, desperately holding onto me as if he’s afraid I’ll disappear if he doesn’t. I can hear his ragged breathing as he finally breaks down and cries. Taking cues from what he would do if the situation were reversed, I pull off one of my gauntlets and gently stroke his hair with my ungloved hand. My own tears run down my face, but I refuse to acknowledge them. I have to be strong, for Ren’s sake. He’s always been that way for me, and it’s about time I return the favor.

A few minutes pass before he starts to calm down. As he pulls back to look at me, I move his mask up so I can wipe the remaining tears from his face. “Even crying, you’re still beautiful,” I muse to myself, not meaning to say the words aloud.

“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that?” he asks with a little chuckle. “You look like you were crying, too.”

I shake my head, refusing to confirm or deny his statement. His chuckling continues as he replicates my actions, although his hand lingers on my cheek longer than I had. I turn my head as I hear Skull’s voice. They must have brought down the Shadow without us. I reach down, grabbing my mask from behind Joker and putting my glove back on my hand. “We’ll keep this between us, alright?”

“Okay.” He moves his own mask back into its proper position. Even up close, it’s hard to see that he had just finished crying. “Hey, Akeppi?”

“Yes?”

“Can we cuddle when we get back home?”

The request is not exactly unexpected. We both know he loves to cuddle and that it helps improve his mood. He already should know my answer. After all, how could I refuse him after what happened? “Of course. Come on. Let’s meet up with the others.”

Prompt list

[grimelords]

So since the last time I posted one of these the entire world has changed dramatically and hopefully 4 hours of music will tide you over in quarantine for a bit longer. Strangely I’ve been busier than ever, and what started as a personal challenge to listen to a new album every day in February turned into me listening to 116 new albums in March and 124 in April. I’ve got a stacked google doc full of star ratings and dates now and it’s really been a lot of fun, I highly recommend trying it yourself. This is my March playlist, because I accidentally took a month off, and I’m thinking of either switching these playlists to weekly to make them a little more digestible or just dropping them whenever. Who knows. Let me know what you think and drop album recommendations in the comments please.

Listen here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0k1JjT8fXcUFO6VpM3kaez?si=gWSv88vdShKSnHhLJ_80pQ

If you’d like to receive these playlists in a more digestible email format, please subscribe to my tinyletter here: http://tinyletter.com/grimelords

On A Slow Boat To China - Bing Crosby & Peggy Lee: Ok first off it’s amazing this song isn’t more racist. I don't remember now how or why I came across this. I think I was just thinking about crooners and how as a genre it's now existed in common popularity as a nostalgic idyll of a mytholigised past far longer than it was ever actually popular which is interesting. The origin of this song, according to wikipedia, is also one of the most 40s ideas I've ever read: "I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China" was a well-known phrase among poker players, referring to a person who lost steadily and handsomely. The idea being that a "slow boat to China" was the longest trip one could imagine. Loesser moved the phrase to a more romantic setting, yet it eventually entered general parlance to mean anything that takes an extremely long time".

Fight Night - Migos: I saw that Offset had some new show on Quibi the extremely fake sounding streaming service and I thought "how did Migos get so world conqueringly large that they get to make 10 minute shows nobody will watch for a $2 billion venture capital funded app that will never make any money?" They seem to have this massive reputation without having much to back it up. The last thing I remember everyone talking about was how Culure II was two hours long in order to game streaming numbers and was simply not good. They seemed to have sort of settled into making background music for scrolling instagram. But then I remembered Fight Night and I thought: "oh wait, that's right, Migos are fucking great". Where their other big hits like Bad And Boujee and Walk It Talk It have this sort of laid back vibe where they've comfortably nailed the formula and relax onto it, Fight Night commands your attention. StackboyTwan killed the beat - it has this propulsive momentum where it feels like it's constantly ramping up, moving up from the sidesick and bassline in the verse, up to the claps on the beat, and the big gang chants on the offbeat once the full instrumentation kicks in - then it just goes around and around and around with the constant bassline the whole tim. It's a perfect all-rise production because it never actually explodes, it's all building tension held down by an unchanging bassline.

Do It Puritan! - El Hombre Trajeado & Sue Tompkins: I am extremely delighted to announce that Sue Tompkins of one of my all time favourite single album bands Life Without Buildings has broken a nearly 20 year musical hiatus to appear on this song by El Hombre Trajeado. It is so nice to hear how her voice has changed and her approach has stayed the same. Her style is so unique and so good and I don't think I'll ever get tired of it.

5 8 6 - New Order: Before 'the incident' I had tickets to see New Order at the end of March and so I embarked on a big listen through of their discography, which has now unfortunately made it feel even worse that live music is cancelled indefinitely.

Oom Sha La La - Haley Heynderickx: First of all I love songs where they talking about how they're writing a song halfway through. And I love songs that seem like a pretty normal singer songwriter indie thing where someone just starts screaming near the end. I love this song. A great staring at the wall and absolutely losing your mind because you haven't done anything with your whole life anthem.

Elektrobank - The Chemical Brothers: Can you believe I've never listening to a full Chemical Brothers album before this month? Can you believe big beat ever went our of style? It feels insane that we ever swapped this sort of energy for the beige algorithm of EDM. I think there's a real triumph in this album, and in this track especially of replicating the live feeling in studio. Giving it this much space to grow and change and get very hairy near the end is amazing, it feels like it was just recorded live.

My Mind's A Ship (That's Going Down) - Katie Pruitt: It feels very rare to me that this sort of extremely smooth Nashville prduction actually makes a song better. It has a habit of strangling the life out of a song and making it blend into a boring paste of soundalikes, but with Katie Pruitt it works amazingly. Her songwriting is so distinct and clear and her voice, especially near the end where it punches hole in the sky, is so strong and so her own that it doesn't need anything else.

Water - Ohmme: "What if Tegan And Sara were a noise band instead?" is a question I didn't know I needed an answer to. I love any band that has the guts to write songs like this that sound like pop from an alternate history, so off kilter and odd and noisy but with this undeniable pop heart that the duo vocals make sound like schoolyard clapping chants remixed by Lightning Bolt.

Lions, Tigers and Bears - SLIFT: A friend put me on to Slift and described them as French King Gizz and really, I'm inclined to agree. This is the traditional long last song at the end of their new album, and as usual I am advocating that every song should be the long last song at the end of the album. I love this style of jam where everyone else goes to space but the rhythm section just digs in and works hard as fuck for ten minutes. Then the whole last 3 minutes of the song are just fat drone riffs. This song's got everything.

The Pines - 070 Shake: This 070 Shake album is unbeleivably good and it warms my heart to see the dark energy of The Pines live on through another century in yet another permutation. I have more to say about it later in the Jackson C Frank version coming up but it feels like this 070 Shake album kind of came and went but I implore you to listen, it’s an aoty contender for sure.

Standing On The Verge Of Getting It On - Funkadelic: If you can stop thinking about the intro, which I certainly can’t (Hey lady won’t you be my dog and I’ll be your tree and you can pee on me.) there is so much goodness in this song. For a while now I’ve been thinking about how, for lack of a better word, ‘positive’ music is consistently underrated in the critical canon. Dance music, disco and funk especially are derided as empty sugar music, while every cookie cutter metal band absolutely demands to be taken seriously. In dance music this manifests as genres like tech house sucking all the fun and individuality out of music until it’s just an endless parade of producers working to a schematic of the barest essentials. It feels like you can’t have fun and be taken seriously at the same time, which feels like an obvious contradiction but shouldn’t be!

Spoils - Dry Cleaning: Dry Cleaning are my Lock Of The Month Band To Watch In The Future Because They’re Gonna Go Off. They have such a great sound and I’m desperate for an album because I just need more. This song absolutely knocked me down when I first heard it. I love any band where it sounds like the singer has just wandered in while the rest of them were rehearsing. There’s a very good talking-songs movement happening in the UK right now between these guys, Do Nothing and Fontaines D.C and i’m excited to see where it progresses. I might put together a playlist a little later to show you what I mean.

As - Stevie Wonder: I finally listened to Songs In The Key Of Life this month, which is an experience I would recommend to everyone. This shit goes for 21 songs over 105 minutes and absolute bangs the whole way. The original release of this album was a double LP plus a 7", which is yet another reason I am grateful for streaming that I don't have to buy a damn box set to hear this thing.

Sleep Now In The Fire - Rage Against The Machine: I am working on a very niche playlist called Songs Where The Guitar Amp Accidentally Picks Up A Nearby Radio Station For A Couple Of Seconds and it's only 3 songs so far. A Man A Plan A Canal Panama by The Fall Of Troy, Melody 4 by Tera Melos and Sleep Now In The Fire by Rage Against The Machine. In every single one of those songs it feels like a critical component even though it's just an accident that's been left in because it sounds good. Here it's the perfect ending as the rage dies down and the commercial world fades back in. Anyway, my other question about this song is about the great Michael Moore directed video where they famously shut down Wall Street for an afternoon. There's a shot of a guy for a second holding a sign that says Donald Trump For President in 1999. Which is odd but not out of the question, he's been famous for a long time and there's always been freaks. My question is why the fuck did he have that sign that day? Was he amongst the Rage Against The Machine Fans that showed up? A counter protestor? Was he, perhaps most chillingly of all, just walking idly around Wall Street with his Donald Trump For President sign like usual and stumbled upon this whole hoo-haa accidentally?

Applause (Purity Ring Remix) - Lady Gaga: Did you fucking know that Purity Ring did a remix of Applause? If there’s something I’d love to know more about and it’s Purity Ring’s forays into pop production. After their first album they did some production for rappers like Danny Brown in the great track 25 Bucks, which is a good fit really - their sound is witch house with the tempo pushed back up, witch house of course just being chopped and screwed reinvented by tumblr users. So it’s a natural fit to take that new perspective back into the world of hip hop. They also did this fantastic remix of Applause after their first album. Then, after their second album they produced 3 songs for Katy Perry’s Witness album, and one Katy Perry song for a Final Fantasy mobile game soundtrack (?) and feel like the long silence and delay between their second and third albums is because of more behind the scenes pop production work - but if that’s true, where is it? Is it, as I suspect, part of my own personal Pepe Silvia, Katy Perry’s scrapped 2019 album that has vanished into thin air? Or is it part of Chromatica? I think Purity Ring have solidified an interesting place in pop, paving the way for Billie Eilish and Kim Petras’ dark anti-pop and so i’m excited to see where they go after this new album now that they’re the architects of the new wave.

React/Revolt - Drahla: The smartest thing you can do is add a saxophone to your band. The whole first half of this song could go for 20 minutes of growling screaming saxophone post-punk and I wouldn't mind. Then when the second half of the song kicks in it's fantastic in the way this whole Drahla album is: it's tight and sprawling post-punk at the same time with a complicated structure that seems to just pile onto itself instead of ever circling back.

And I Was Like - Porridge Radio: I'm seemingly having a real thing this month for songs that open with a bizzare acapella chant. Between this and the Funkadelic one it's a genre I'm very interested in hearing more of. Isaac Newton was a virgin and it's important to recognise that. The thing I love about this song is how it's in 3 distinc sections: Isaac Newton was a virgin, she's a birthday girl in a birthday world, and mum no please it's grunge, and they all feel like the concentrated energy of a 14 year old's thoughts. She sounds like she's almost crying when she sings 'she's a birthday girl in a birthday world'. The concentrated confusing teenaged energy of this song is just overwhelming.

Dirty Mattresses - Mama's Broke: So much of contemporary 'traditional folk' either exists as pure nostalgia music or as music that's trying too hard to be 'authentic' and evoke a mythology of a bygone time, but Mama's Broke manage to make it feel new and modern but honest and  authentic at the same time. The super close harmonies and modern approach remind me of House And Land who I also love, but the songwriting is in another class entirely.

Building A House - CHOPCHOP: I don't know if you've ever seen Bad Boy Bubby but CHOPCHOP feels a little like the band that he ends up joining at the end. A musical ensemble built to enable the will of a very strange man. I think the band is from the UK and I'm not sure where the singer is from, but he has this incredible deeply accented voice that brings such a gravity to everything he sings in the way that anyone speaking english as a second language accidentally brings new weight to common turns of phrase.

Universal Soldier - Jay Electronica: It feels fitting, looking back, that Jay Electronica finally released his album right before the world ended. It was literally now or never. Some how Jay-Z is the breakout star of this album for me. He's got some of his best verses in years on here and he's a great opposition to Electronica's flow when they trade verses. I would also, as an aside, like to know the origin of the kids cheering sample throughout this, because it's the same one from AM//Radio by Earl Sweatshirt and Wish You Were Gay by Billie Eilish. So what's that about.

Sticky Hulks - Thee Oh Sees: I've been very slowly getting into Oh Sees and I love them a lot so far. Their unweildy, huge discography spread across a lot of variations of the same name makes digging into them very rewarding as well. There's a great line on their wiki detailing all the times they've changed their name that goes: Orinoka Crash Suite (1997–2003), OCS (2003–2005, 2017), Orange County Sound (2005), The Ohsees (2006), The Oh Sees (2006–2008), Thee Oh Sees (2008–2017), Oh Sees (2017–2019) Osees (2019) to give you some idea of what we're working with here. Basically it's just everything you could want from a pychedelic band like this: a history and discography as shaggy as the songs themselves.

Knife On The Platter - BODEGA: In reading about Bodega I learned that they don't have a drummer in the traditional sense. They have someone credited as a 'stand up percussionist', and in listening back I realised that's they key to the groove in their music. He's not playing a kit he's just slamming at a tom and a snare on a rack, while one of the singers plays hi-hat here and there. So all the drumming has this barebones caveman feel to it and I absolutely love it. The band feels a lot like The Fashion, and that whole mid-2000s dance-punk movement that I've been desparate to come back so naturally I love it a lot.

Against Gravity - Horse Lords: Horse Lords are one of the most incredible bands I've heard in a long time. Somewhere between a more analogue Battles and Laddio Bolocko, they make a kind of churning math-jazz that sounds like huge intersecting squares of rhythm slowly overlapping. It feels like there's an infinite depth in these songs, you can listen and focus on a single instrument and see it shifting in and out of place with everyone else, before you lose it again and it retreats back into the swirling mass.

Plain To See Plainsman - Colter Wall: I've been listening to this Colter Wall album a lot, and it's really beginning to rank among my all time favourites. I grew up around the flattest place in the southern hemisphere, so I love the plains and it's very nice to have a cowboy song I can relate to like that.

The Nail - Sarah Shook & The Disarmers: Sarah Shook has so much character in her voice I completely love it. She is also a fantastic songwriter that manages to make outlaw country punk that sounds authentic and doesn't have the rockabilly posturing that a lot of the genre suffers from.

Inner Reaches 慾望的暗角二 - Gong Gong Gong 工工工: The best thing about Gong Gong Gong is you can listen to this whole song before you realise they don't have a drummer. They're a guitar and bass duo that play and sing with such a layered rhythmic intensity between the two of them that they really don't need one. A drummer would just clutter the space already taken up by their ferocious rhythm.

Country Pie - Bob Dylan: I'm a big fan of Bob Dylan's dumb songs. He has a lot where if it's the first song you ever heard from him you would be mad at whoever told you he was the greatest songwriter to ever live for trying to trick you like this. What I especially love about this song is how abruptly it ends, like dad just came home and everyone panicked cause they're know they're not supposed to be staying up that late.

You Did It Yourself - Arthur Russell: It seems hard to believe that I've only just found out about Arthur Russel. He seems to be a mainstay of Music Guy lists and somehow I've only heard of him this month. I've been obsessing over the Iowa Dream album, which is a compilation of a lot of different (mostly extremely high quality) demos from the late 70s to mid 80s and what really shines through other than the singular strength of his songwriting is how readily and easily he bends from country style folk to romantic piano ballads, to groovy post-punk like this. What I love so much about this song is it's a great lesson in songwriting: sometimes a song can just be a vague review of a middling movie and still have emotional resonance. Incredible. There's a great NPR article about Arthur Russel and the process of assembling half-takes and demos into complete recordings that you should read if you're interested. https://www.npr.org/2019/11/20/779721417/which-arthur-russell-are-we-getting-on-iowa-dream

The Dogs Outside Are Barking - Arthur Russell: I love this song because it's such a perfect distillation of a teenaged moment: trying to find a moment alone with someone when you have no freedom at all to create one. The song cycles through potential situations but leaves the problem unresolved, existing in the moment of nervous romantic tension preceding an unasked question and it's just beautiful.

Men For Miles - Ought: I love the vocal melody in the verse here so much. Spiking up unnaturally at the end of the lines like a nervous and strange version of The Strokes. Even the way he cramps his words in in the chorus is so good, switching registers randomly like he's impersonating someone else.

Mister Soweto - Lizzy Mercier Descloux: https://pitchfork.com/features/from-the-pitchfork-review/9828-lizzy-mercier-descloux-behind-the-muse/ Pitchfork has a great article about Lizzy Mercier Descloux detailing how she is continually undervalued and underappreciated. I found her though my Discover Weekly and became immediately obsessed with this album - a perfect mix of off-kilter 80s bass and brass that is so colourful and seems to move in a million directions at once like the songs can't even catch up with themselves sometimes. I'm excited to dig into her discography more and try to understand her more because she has a truly unique approach that I can't get enough of.

Sweden - Marilyn Crispell: I've been looking for a while for other pianists of Cecil Taylor's calibre, rare type that it is and I am so glad to have finally found out about Marilyn Crispell. She plays free jazz like Taylor, but in much less percussive and disonnant style. There's a New York Times quote that seems to follow her that says "Hearing Marilyn Crispell play solo piano is like monitoring an active volcano. She is one of a very few pianists who rise to the challenge of free jazz." and it's really very apt. She will move with seemingly no warning at all from mediative, colourful stokes to a mad descent unto uncertainty and beyond, then back again without a moments hesitation. Her music moves like a dream, linking a stream of unlinked images with an ease that only seems incongruous on reflection.

Twins - Gem Club: I have loved this song for a very long time and I come back to it over and over and appreciate it anew. What I appreciate about on listening to it this time is the strangeness of it's structure, following up the verse with an instrumental break, and then a long instrumental intro to the chorus gives it so much space to spread out and breathe, giving the beautiful gravity of the song even more weight. Then after the chorus it moves straight to a bridge and then the intro and first verse again. It's a fantastic song that makes it's small parts so large, where another songwriter or another producer would pare them down.

Grand Central - Paul Cauthen: Something I've learned in listening to a lot of cowboy music is that the number one thing that cowboys hate and fear is getting hanged. They hate it worse than cats hate getting sprayed with water. I found out about Paul Cauthen combing through Colter Wall's similar artists looking for more of this brand of new old fashioned country and I really found it here. Paul Cauthen comes from four generations of preachers and left the church to pursue country music instead, which feels like an extremely old fashioned position to be in here in 2020 but I guess lots of people in Texas still live like that, and thank god they do or we wouldn't have Paul Cauthen's big mournful Elvis voice to sing us songs about the railway.

Serafina - BAMBARA: I love this sort of spoken word leather jacket rock and roll. It's so extremely Cool in an old fashioned way. Like a more rock and roll version of Enablers.

So 4 Real - The Hecks: I love love love this song that sounds like a sped up Prince demo. The strange thinness of the mix and the way the vocals are buried just makes it sound so strange and great, like it was put together on some ancient 4 track recorder that can't handle the pure energy of the song.

In The Pines (Version 2) - Jackson C. Frank: There's a very good 3 hour compilation of Jackson C. Frank recordings that came out a few years called Remastered And Unreleased that I listened through the other day. It's just magnificent. This version of In The Pines is one of my favourite I've ever heard, the mournful vocals coupled with his churning rhythm guitar really brings out the darkness of it in a way I've never heard.

(Tumble) In The Wind (Version 1) - Jackson C. Frank: Another favourite from this compilation that is slightly hard to listen to. I don't know if there's a date on it but I'd guess this was recorded near the end of his life. It is so beautiful, but you can hear in his voice and breathing that he's unwell. In Horseshoe Crabs by Hopalong she sings a story from his perspective this song really seems to fit in the second half of that. "Woke from the dream and I was old / Staring at the ass crack of dawn / Walked these streets up and down / Looking for Paul Simon / All I found was myself, lost in time / I tried singing my songs / But I lost my mind"

Sludge - Squid: I'm thinking of putting together a playlist of all the great Black Midi-adjacent bands I've found out about recently and Squid is at the top of the list. This new breed of art-punk is so fantastic and goes in a million different directions. I'm just so excited it exists.

Straight Shot - Quelle Chris: I love this song and Guns is a phenomenal album but there’s one thing bothering me. The ‘who are you, what are you’ part at the end sounds so incredibly familiar to me and I can’t figure out why. As far as I can tell it’s not a sample, but googling reveals that the english voice on it is fucking James Acaster the standup comedian. So what’s going on? Quelle Chris himself is less than helpful: “Straight Shot is one of those ideas that reached out to me, we got along and I simply showed it around town. The chorus, poem at the end and basic piano progression literally came to me in two separate dreams”. Who knows. Great song though.

Levitation - Dua Lipa: What I really like about this song is that she says sugarboo. This whole album bangs and Dua is really reaping the benefits of being the only pop star with the guts to release an album while everyone’s in lockdown I also have a half-baked theory about the way this song is almost interpolating Blame It On The Boogie in the ‘moonlight, starlight’ part as a sort of aggressive takeover of Michael Jackson’s cancelled legacy. Which is smart really. The same way Taylor Swift is re-recording her albums, let’s just get The Weeknd in the studio for a couple of days and give the world back it’s bangers.

Another Crashed Car - Nine Inch Nails: I am so glad Trent Reznor put out another two volumes of Ghosts. Ghosts I-IV from 2008 seems to have been the bridge from his Nine Inch Nails work to his film score work, and now that he’s had such success with that it’s nice to hear him writing in this style without telling anyone else’s story again. It’s also interesting for him to go back to this project now that Ghosts I-IV has paid dividends in the form of the sample at the centre of Old Town Road but that’s neither here nor there. It’s hard to pick and individual track from these, because they work so effectively as long form albums and not individual tracks, but I chose this one because I put the album on as background ambient while I was doing some boring data entry at work and this track is the point at which I realised I was going out of my mind with stress from doing the simplest tasks because of Trent’s Damned Chords.

Lilacs - Waxahatchee: This is a perfect song. It makes me want to like, draw charts about it and go through it bar by bar to figure out how she did it. It’s perfectly put together. It feels like she uses every trick in the book and it just comes together flawlessly in 3 minutes. Amazing.

Cool Water - Hank Williams: I decided to properly listen to Hank Williams because his shadow stretches over so much of country music, and while a lot of his music really alienated or bored me, and a lot of his songs feel like they would read as novelty songs today (like Hey Good Looking), this is the song that made me understand why he’s so revered.

In My Bones (feat. Kimbra and Tank And The Bangas) - Jacob Collier: Jacob Collier generally irks me. He makes brain music for redditors that lose their mind when someone shows them chord inversions or odd time signatures. Youtubers whose whole personality is ‘y’all heard Giant Steps?’ But he killed it on this song. It’s great despite him. There’s still a lot of corniness to work through, mostly in the big yuck funky lyrics, but structurally it’s a kaleidoscope and a big chunk of its success I’m putting down to Kimbra and Tank who understand that performance is a bigger part of a song than composition in a way Collier maybe doesn’t yet. He can overload the bassline and stop-start the rhythms as much as he likes but without actual personalities driving it it’ll just sound like a Peter Gabriel midi played at 200%.

Earthquake - Graham Central Station: I learned something wonderful in researching this band. The leader, Larry Graham, who was in Sly And The Family Stone is credited with inventing slap bass. He himself refers to the technique as "thumpin' and pluckin' ".

Quand Les Larmes D’un Ange Font Danser La Neige - Melody’s Echo Chamber: Once again furious that I’ve known of Melody’s Echo Chamber for years but never listened to them until now. I have been missing out. This is a perfect sprawling psychedelic jam punctuated with a bizzare cut-up recording about shitting yourself when you die and being declared brain dead in the vatican. It’s got everything. I had to look up who the drummer was on this song because he’s just nailing it, and it turns out it’s Johan Holmegaard from Dungen which is really a perfect fit.

Murder Most Foul - Bob Dylan: I was thinking the other day about how Bob Dylan is doing in quarantine. The man who hasn’t stopped moving his whole life and who’s been on a never ending tour  since the 70s is now, I assume, just pacing a hole in a hotel carpet somewhere and jabbering to himself. The strangest part of Bob dropping this 17 minute song about JFK out of nowhere is that he hasn’t put out any original music since 2012. So a gigantic song like this is an even bigger surprise. I, already a huge fan of gigantic songs and Bob Dylan, unsurprisingly love it. I love the slow stirring of the instrumentation, like he hired Dirty Three as a backing band and I love that nearly the entire second half is just listing good songs that he knows. It’s a remarkable song and unlike anything i’ve heard before from Dylan or anyone else. It’s interesting to hear Bob Dylan step into being the great chronicler of the 60s like he’s been told he already was his entire life almost 50 years later, finally accepting the fate foisted on him. The other thing I love about this song is the line when he for some reason praises Lee Harvey Oswald’s shooting “Greatest magic trick ever under the sun / Perfectly executed, skillfully done”

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0k1JjT8fXcUFO6VpM3kaez?si=gWSv88vdShKSnHhLJ_80pQ

[hlupdate]

Harry Styles isn’t exactly dressed down for lunch. He’s got a white floppy hat that Diana Ross might have won from Elton in a poker game at Cher’s mansion circa 1974, plus Gucci shades, a cashmere sweater, and blue denim bell-bottoms. His nail polish is pink and mint green. He’s also carrying his purse — no other word for it — a yellow patent-canvas bag with the logo “Chateau Marmont.” The tough old ladies who work at this Beverly Hills deli know him well. Gloria and Raisa dote on him, calling him “my love” and bringing him his usual tuna salad and iced coffee. He turns heads, to put it mildly, but nobody comes near because the waitresses hover around the booth protectively.

He was just a small-town English lad of 16 when he became his generation’s pop idol with One Direction. When the group went on hiatus, he struck out on his own with his brash 2017 solo debut, whose lead single was the magnificently over-the-top six-minute piano ballad “Sign of the Times.” Even people who missed out on One Direction were shocked to learn the truth: This pinup boy was a rock star at heart.

A quick highlight reel of Harry’s 2019 so far: He hosted the Met Gala with Lady Gaga, Serena Williams, Alessandro Michele, and Anna Wintour serving an eyebrow-raising black lace red-carpet look. He is the official face of a designer genderless fragrance, Gucci’s Mémoire d’une Odeur. When James Corden had an all-star dodgeball match on The Late Late Show, Harry got spiked by a hard serve from Michelle Obama, making him perhaps the first Englishman ever hit in the nads on TV by a First Lady.

Closer to his heart, he brought down the house at this year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony with his tribute to his friend and idol Stevie Nicks. “She’s always there for you,” Harry said in his speech. “She knows what you need: advice, a little wisdom, a blouse, a shawl.” He added, “She’s responsible for more running mascara — including my own — than all the bad dates in history.” (Backstage, Nicks accidentally referred to Harry’s former band as “’NSync.” Hey, a goddess can get away with that sort of thing.)

Harry has been the world’s It boy for nearly a decade now. The weirdest thing about him? He loves being this guy. In a style of fast-lane celebrity that takes a ruthless toll on the artist’s personality, creativity, sanity, Harry is almost freakishly at ease. He has managed to grow up in public with all his boyish enthusiasm intact, not to mention his manners. He’s dated a string of high-profile women — but he never gets caught uttering any of their names in public, much less shading any of them. Instead of going the usual superstar-pop route — en vogue producers, celebrity duets, glitzy club beats — he’s gone his own way, and gotten more popular than ever. He’s putting the finishing touches on his new album, full of the toughest, most soulful songs he’s written yet. As he explains, “It’s all about having sex and feeling sad.”

The Harry Charm is a force of nature, and it can be almost frightening to witness in action. The most startling example might be a backstage photo from February taken with one of his heroes, Van Morrison. You have never seen a Van picture like this one. He’s been posing for photos for 50 years, and he’s been refusing to crack a smile in nearly all of them. Until he met Harry — for some reason, Van beams like a giddy schoolgirl. What did Harry do to him? “I was tickling him behind his back,” Harry confides. “Somebody sent me that photo — I think his tour manager took it. When I saw it, I felt like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction opening the case with the gold light shining. I was like, ‘Fuck, maybe I shouldn’t show this to anyone.’”

In interviews, Harry has always tended to coast on that charm, simply because he can. In his teens, he was in public every minute and became adept at guarding every scrap of his privacy. But these days, he’s finding out he has things he wants to say. He’s more confident about thinking out loud and seeing what happens. “Looser” is how he puts it. “More open. I’m discovering how much better it makes me feel to be open with friends. Feeling that vulnerability, rather than holding everything in.”

Like a lot of people his age, he’s asking questions about culture, gender, identity, new ideas about masculinity and sexuality. “I feel pretty lucky to have a group of friends who are guys who would talk about their emotions and be really open,” he says. “My friend’s dad said to me, ‘You guys are so much better at it than we are. I never had friends I could really talk to. It’s good that you guys have each other because you talk about real shit. We just didn’t.’”

It’s changed how he approaches his songs. “For me, it doesn’t mean I’ll sit down and be like, ‘This is what I have for dinner, and this is where I eat every day, and this is what I do before I go to bed,’” he says. “But I will tell you that I can be really pathetic when I’m jealous. Feeling happier than I’ve ever been, sadder than I’ve ever been, feeling sorry for myself, being mad at myself, being petty and pitiful — it feels really different to share that.”

At times, Harry sounds like an ordinary 25-year-old figuring his shit out, which, of course, he is. (Harry and I got to know each other last year, when he got in touch after reading one of my books, though I’d already been writing about his music for years.) It’s strange to hear him talk about shedding his anxieties and doubts, since he’s always come across as one of the planet’s most confident people. “While I was in the band,” he says, “I was constantly scared I might sing a wrong note. I felt so much weight in terms of not getting things wrong. I remember when I signed my record deal and I asked my manager, ‘What happens if I get arrested? Does it mean the contract is null and void?’ Now, I feel like the fans have given me an environment to be myself and grow up and create this safe space to learn and make mistakes.”

We slip out the back and spend a Saturday afternoon cruising L.A. in his 1972 silver Jaguar E-type. The radio doesn’t work, so we just sing “Old Town Road.” He marvels, “‘Bull riding and boobies’ — that is potentially the greatest lyric in any song ever.” Harry used to be pop’s mystery boy, so diplomatic and tight-lipped. But as he opens up over time, telling his story, he reaches the point where he’s pitching possible headlines for this profile. His best: “Soup, Sex, and Sun Salutations.”

How did he get to this new place? As it turns out, the journey involves some heartbreak. Some guidance from David Bowie. Some Transcendental Meditation. And more than a handful of magic mushrooms. But mostly, it comes down to a curious kid who can’t decide whether to be the world’s most ardently adored pop star, or a freaky artiste. So he decides to be both.

Two things about English rock stars never change: They love Southern California, and they love cars. A few days after Harry proclaimed the genius of “Old Town Road,” we’re in a different ride — a Tesla — cruising the Pacific Coast Highway while Harry sings along to the radio. “Californiaaaaaa!” he yells from behind the wheel as we whip past Zuma Beach. “It sucks!” There’s a surprising number of couples along the beach who seem to be arguing. We speculate on which ones are breaking up and which are merely having the talk. “Ah, yes, the talk,” Harry says dreamily. “Ye olde chat.”

Harry is feeling the smooth Seventies yacht-rock grooves today, blasting Gerry Rafferty, Pablo Cruise, Hall and Oates. When I mention that Nina Simone once did a version of “Rich Girl,” he needs to hear it right away. He counters by blowing my mind with Donny Hathaway’s version of John Lennon’s “Jealous Guy.”

Harry raves about a quintessential SoCal trip he just tried: a “cold sauna,” a process that involves getting locked in an ice chamber. His eyelashes froze. We stop for a smoothie (“It’s basically ice cream”) and his favorite pepper-intensive wheatgrass shot. It goes down like a dose of battery acid. “That’ll add years to your life,” he assures me.

We’re on our way to Shangri-La studios in Malibu, founded by the Band back in the 1970s, now owned by Rick Rubin. It’s where Harry made some of the upcoming album, and as we walk in, he grins at the memory. “Ah, yes,” he says. “Did a lot of mushrooms in here.”

Psychedelics have started to play a key role in his creative process. “We’d do mushrooms, lie down on the grass, and listen to Paul McCartney’s Ram in the sunshine,” he says. “We’d just turn the speakers into the yard.” The chocolate edibles were kept in the studio fridge, right next to the blender. “You’d hear the blender going, and think, ‘So we’re all having frozen margaritas at 10 a.m. this morning.’” He points to a corner: “This is where I was standing when we were doing mushrooms and I bit off the tip of my tongue. So I was trying to sing with all this blood gushing out of my mouth. So many fond memories, this place.”

It’s not mere rock-star debauchery — it’s emblematic of his new state of mind. You get the feeling this is why he enjoys studios so much. After so many years making One Direction albums while touring, always on the run, he finally gets to take his time and embrace the insanity of it all. “We were here for six weeks in Malibu, without going into the city,” he says. “People would bring their dogs and kids. We’d take a break to play cornhole tournaments. Family values!” But it’s also the place where he has proudly bled for his art. “Mushrooms and Blood. Now there’s an album title.”

Some of the engineers come over to catch up on gossip. Harry gestures out the window to the Pacific waves, where the occasional nude revelry might have happened, and where the occasional pair of pants got lost. “There was one night where we’d been partying a bit and ended up going down to the beach and I lost all my stuff, basically,” he says. “I lost all my clothes. I lost my wallet. Maybe a month later, somebody found my wallet and mailed it back, anonymously. I guess it just popped out of the sand. But what’s sad is, I lost my favorite mustard corduroy flares.” A moment of silence is held for the corduroy flares.

Recording in the studio today is Brockhampton, the self-proclaimed “world’s greatest boy band.” Harry says hi to all the Brockhampton guys, which takes a while since there seem to be a few dozen of them. “We’re together all the time,” one tells Harry out in the yard. “We see each other all day, every day.” He pauses. “You know how it is.”

Harry breaks into a dry grin. “Yes, I know how it is.”

One Direction made three of this century’s biggest and best pop albums in a rush — Midnight Memories, Four and Made in the A.M. Yet they cut those records on tour, ducking into the nearest studio when they had a day off. 1D were a unique mix of five different musical personalities: Harry, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik, and Liam Payne. But the pace took its toll. Malik quit in the middle of a tour, immediately after a show in Hong Kong. The band announced its hiatus in August 2015.

It’s traditional for boy-band singers, as they go solo and grow up, to renounce their pop past. Everybody remembers George Michael setting his leather jacket on fire, or Sting quitting the Police to make jazz records. This isn’t really Harry Styles’ mentality. “I know it’s the thing that always happens. When somebody gets out of a band, they go, ‘That wasn’t me. I was held back.’ But it was me. And I don’t feel like I was held back at all. It was so much fun. If I didn’t enjoy it, I wouldn’t have done it. It’s not like I was tied to a radiator.”

Whenever Harry mentions One Direction — never by name, always “the band” or “the band I was in” — he uses the past tense. It is my unpleasant duty to ask: Does he see 1D as over? “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t think I’d ever say I’d never do it again, because I don’t feel that way. If there’s a time when we all really want to do it, that’s the only time for us to do it, because I don’t think it should be about anything else other than the fact that we’re all like, ‘Hey, this was really fun. We should do this again.’ But until that time, I feel like I’m really enjoying making music and experimenting. I enjoy making music this way too much to see myself doing a full switch, to go back and do that again. Because I also think if we went back to doing things the same way, it wouldn’t be the same, anyway.”

When the band stopped, did he take those friendships with him? “Yeah, I think so,” he says. “Definitely. Because above all else, we’re the people who went through that. We’re always going to have that, even if we’re not the closest. And the fact is, just because you’re in a band with someone doesn’t mean you have to be best friends. That’s not always how it works. Just because Fleetwood Mac fight, that doesn’t mean they’re not amazing. I think even in the disagreements, there’s always a mutual respect for each other — we did this really cool thing together, and we’ll always have that. It’s too important to me to ever be like, ‘Oh, that’s done.’ But if it happens, it will happen for the right reasons.”

If the intensity of the Harry fandom ever seems mysterious to you, there’s a live clip you might want to investigate, from the summer of 2018. Just search the phrase “Tina, she’s gay.” In San Jose, on one of the final nights of his tour, Harry spots a fan with a homemade sign: “I’m Gonna Come Out to My Parents Because of You!” He asks the fan her name (she says it’s Grace) and her mother’s name (Tina). He asks the audience for silence because he has an important announcement to make: “Tina! She’s gaaaaay!” Then he has the entire crowd say it together. Thousands of strangers start yelling “Tina, she’s gay,” and every one of them clearly means it — it’s a heavy moment, definitely not a sound you forget after you hear it. Then Harry sings “What Makes You Beautiful.” (Of course, the way things work now, the clip went viral within minutes. So did Grace’s photo of Tina giving a loving thumbs-up to her now-out teenage daughter. Grace and Tina attended Harry’s next show together.)

Harry likes to cultivate an aura of sexual ambiguity, as overt as the pink polish on his nails. He’s dated women throughout his life as a public figure, yet he has consistently refused to put any kind of label on his sexuality. On his first solo tour, he frequently waved the pride, bi, and trans flags, along with the Black Lives Matter flag. In Philly, he waved a rainbow flag he borrowed from a fan up front: “Make America Gay Again.” One of the live fan favorites: “Medicine,” a guitar jam that sounds a bit like the Grateful Dead circa Europe ’72, but with a flamboyantly pansexual hook: “The boys and girls are in/I mess around with them/And I’m OK with it.”

He’s always had a flair for flourishes like this, since the 1D days. An iconic clip from November 2014: Harry and Liam are on a U.K. chat show. The host asks the oldest boy-band fan-bait question in the book: What do they look for in a date? “Female,” Liam quips. “That’s a good trait.” Harry shrugs. “Not that important.” Liam is taken aback. The host is in shock. On tour in the U.S. that year, he wore a Michael Sam football jersey, in support of the first openly gay player drafted by an NFL team. He’s blown up previously unknown queer artists like King Princess and Muna.

What do those flags onstage mean to him? “I want to make people feel comfortable being whatever they want to be,” he says. “Maybe at a show you can have a moment of knowing that you’re not alone. I’m aware that as a white male, I don’t go through the same things as a lot of the people that come to the shows. I can’t claim that I know what it’s like, because I don’t. So I’m not trying to say, ‘I understand what it’s like.’ I’m just trying to make people feel included and seen.”

On tour, he had an End Gun Violence sticker on his guitar; he added a Black Lives Matter sticker, as well as the flag. “It’s not about me trying to champion the cause, because I’m not the person to do that,” he says. “It’s just about not ignoring it, I guess. I was a little nervous to do that because the last thing I wanted was for it to feel like I was saying, ‘Look at me! I’m the good guy!’ I didn’t want anyone who was really involved in the movement to think, ‘What the fuck do you know?’ But then when I did it, I realized people got it. Everyone in that room is on the same page and everyone knows what I stand for. I’m not saying I understand how it feels. I’m just trying to say, ‘I see you.’”

At one of his earliest solo shows, in Stockholm, he announced, “If you are black, if you are white, if you are gay, if you are straight, if you are transgender — whoever you are, whoever you want to be, I support you. I love every single one of you.” “It’s a room full of accepting people.… If you’re someone who feels like an outsider, you’re not always in a big crowd like that,” he says. “It’s not about, ‘Oh, I get what it’s like,’ because I don’t. For example, I go walking at night before bed most of the time. I was talking about that with a female friend and she said, ‘Do you feel safe doing that?’ And I do. But when I walk, I’m more aware that I feel OK to walk at night, and some of my friends wouldn’t. I’m not saying I know what it feels like to go through that. It’s just being aware.”

‘Man cannot live by coffee alone,” Harry says. “But he will give it a damn good try.” He sips his iced Americano — not his first today, or his last. He’s back behind the wheel, on a mission to yet another studio — but this time for actual work. Today it’s string overdubs. Harry is dressed in Gucci from head to toe, except for one item of clothing: a ratty Seventies rock T-shirt he proudly scavenged from a vintage shop. It says “Commander Quaalude.”

On the drive over, he puts on the jazz pianist Bill Evans — “Peace Piece,” from 1959, which is the wake-up tone on his phone. He just got into jazz during a long sojourn in Japan. He likes to find places to hide out and be anonymous: For his first album, he decamped to Jamaica. Over the past year, he spent months roaming Japan.

In February, he spent his 25th birthday sitting by himself in a Tokyo cafe, reading Haruki Murakami’s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. “I love Murakami,” he says. “He’s one of my favorites. Reading didn’t really used to be my thing. I had such a short attention span. But I was dating someone who gave me some books; I felt like I had to read them because she’d think I was a dummy if I didn’t read them.”

A friend gave him Murakami’s Norwegian Wood. “It was the first book, maybe ever, where all I wanted to do all day was read this,” he says. “I had a very Murakami birthday because I ended up staying in Tokyo on my own. I had grilled fish and miso soup for breakfast, then I went to this cafe. I sat and drank tea and read for five hours.”

In the studio, he’s overseeing the string quartet. He has the engineers play T. Rex’s “Cosmic Dancer” for them, to illustrate the vibe he’s going for. You can see he enjoys being on this side of the glass, sitting at the Neve board, giving his instructions to the musicians. After a few run-throughs, he presses the intercom button to say, “Yeah, it’s pretty T. Rex. Best damn strings I ever heard.” He buzzes again to add, “And you’re all wonderful people.”

He’s curated his own weird enclave of kindred spirits to collaborate with, like producers Jeff Bhasker and Tyler Johnson. His guitarist Mitch Rowland was working at an L.A. pizza shop when Harry met him. They started writing songs for the debut; Rowland didn’t quit his job until two weeks into the sessions. One of his closest collaborators is also one of his best friends: Tom Hull, a.k.a. Kid Harpoon, a longtime cohort of Florence and the Machine. Hull is an effusive Brit with a heart-on-sleeve personality. Harry calls him “my emotional rock.” Hull calls him “Gary.”

Hull was the one who talked him into taking a course on Transcendental Meditation at David Lynch’s institute — beginning each day with 20 minutes of silence, which doesn’t always come naturally to either of them. “He’s got this wise-beyond-his-years timelessness about him,” Hull says. “That’s why he went on a whole emotional exploration with these songs.” He’s 12 years older, with a wife and kids in Scotland, and talks about Harry like an irreverent but doting big brother.

Last year, Harry was in the gossip columns dating the French model Camille Rowe; they split up last summer after a year together. “He went through this breakup that had a big impact on him,” Hull says. “I turned up on Day One in the studio, and I had these really nice slippers on. His ex-girlfriend that he was really cut up about, she gave them to me as a present — she bought slippers for my whole family. We’re still close friends with her. I thought, ‘I like these slippers. Can I wear them — is that weird?’

“So I turn up at Shangri-La the first day and literally within the first half-hour, he looks at me and says, ‘Where’d you get those slippers? They’re nice.’ I had to say, ‘Oh, um, your ex-girlfriend got them for me.’ He said, ‘Whaaaat? How could you wear those?’ He had a whole emotional journey about her, this whole relationship. But I kept saying, ‘The best way of dealing with it is to put it in these songs you’re writing.’”

True to his code of gallant discretion, Harry doesn’t say her name at any point. But he admits the songs are coming from personal heartbreak. “It’s not like I’ve ever sat and done an interview and said, ‘So I was in a relationship, and this is what happened,’” he says. “Because, for me, music is where I let that cross over. It’s the only place, strangely, where it feels right to let that cross over.”

The new songs are certainly charged with pain. “The stars didn’t align for them to be a forever thing,” Hull says. “But I told him that famous Iggy Pop quote where he says, ‘I only ever date women who are going to fuck me up, because that’s where the songs are.’ I said, ‘You’re 24, 25 years old, you’re in the eligible-bachelor category. Just date amazing women, or men, or whatever, who are going to fuck you up, and explore and have an adventure and let it affect you and write songs about it.’”

His band is full of indie rockers who’ve gotten swept up in Hurricane Harry. Before becoming his iconic drum goddess, Sarah Jones played in New Young Pony Club, a London band fondly remembered by a few dozen of us. Rowland and Jones barely knew anything about One Direction before they met Harry — the first time they heard “Story of My Life” was when he asked them to play it. Their conversation is full of references to Big Star or Guided by Voices or the Nils Lofgren guitar solo in Neil Young’s “Speakin’ Out.” This is a band full of shameless rock geeks, untainted by industry professionalism.

In the studio, while making the album, Harry kept watching a vintage Bowie clip on his phone — a late-Nineties TV interview I’d never seen. As he plays it for me, he recites along — he’s got the rap memorized. “Never play to the gallery,” Bowie advises. “Never work for other people in what you do.” For Harry, this was an inspiring pep talk — a reminder not to play it safe. As Bowie says, “If you feel safe in the area that you’re working in, you’re not working in the right area. Always go a little further into the water than you feel you are capable of being in. Go a little bit out of your depth. And when you don’t feel that your feet are quite touching the bottom, you’re just about in the right place to do something exciting.”

He got so obsessive about Joni Mitchell and her 1971 classic Blue, he went on a quest. “I was in a big Joni hole,” he says. “I kept hearing the dulcimer all over Blue. So I tracked down the lady who built Joni’s dulcimers in the Sixties.” He found her living in Culver City. “She said, ‘Come and see me,’” Hull says. “We turn up at her house and he said, ‘How do you even play a dulcimer?’ She gave us a lesson. Then she got a bongo and we were all jamming with these big Cheshire Cat grins.” She built the dulcimer Harry plays on the new album. “Joni Mitchell and Van Morrison, those are my two favorites,” he says. “Blue and Astral Weeks are just the ultimate in terms of songwriting. Melody-wise, they’re in their own lane.”

He’s always been the type to go overboard with his fanboy enthusiasms, ever since he was a kid and got his mind blown by Pulp Fiction. “I watched it when I was probably too young,” he admits. “But when I was 13, I saved up money from my paper route to buy a ‘Bad Motherfucker’ wallet. Just a stupid white kid in the English countryside with that wallet.” While in Japan, he got obsessively into Paul McCartney and Wings, especially London Town and Back to the Egg. “In Tokyo I used to go to a vinyl bar, but the bartender didn’t have Wings records. So I brought him Back to the Egg. ‘Arrow Through Me,’ that was the song I had to hear every day when I was in Japan.”

He credits meditation for helping to loosen him up. “I was such a skeptic going in,” he says. “But I think meditation has helped with worrying about the future less, and the past less. I feel like I take a lot more in—things that used to pass by me because I was always rushing around. It’s part of being more open and talking with friends. It’s not always the easiest to go in a room and say, ‘I made a mistake and it made me feel like this, and then I cried a bunch.’ But that moment where you really let yourself be in that zone of being vulnerable, you reach this feeling of openness. That’s when you feel like, ‘Oh, I’m fucking living, man.’”

After quite a few hours of recording the string quartet, a bottle of Casamigos tequila is opened. Commander Quaalude pours the drinks, then decides what the song needs now is a gaggle of nonsingers bellowing the chorus. “Muppet vocals” is how he describes it. He drags everyone in sight to crowd around the mics. Between takes, he wanders over to the piano to play Harry Nilsson’s “Gotta Get Up.” One of the choir members, creative director Molly Hawkins, is the friend who gave him the Murakami novel. “I think every man should read Norwegian Wood,” she says. “Harry’s the only man I’ve given it to who actually read it.”

It’s been a hard day’s night in the studio, but after hours, everyone heads to a dive bar on the other side of town to see Rowland play a gig. He’s sitting in with a local bar band, playing bass. Harry drives around looking for the place, taking in the sights of downtown L.A. (“Only a city as narcissistic as L.A. would have a street called Los Angeles Street,” he says.) He strolls in and leans against the bar in the back of the room. It’s an older crowd, and nobody here has any clue who he is. He’s entirely comfortable lurking incognito in a dim gin joint. After the gig, as the band toasts with PBRs, an old guy in a ball cap strolls over and gives Rowland a proud bear hug. It’s his boss from the pizza shop.

In the wee hours, Harry drives down a deserted Sunset Boulevard, his favorite time of night to explore the city streets, arguing over which is the best Steely Dan album. He insists that Can’t Buy a Thrill is better than Countdown to Ecstasy (wrongly), and seals his case by turning it up and belting “Midnight Cruiser” with truly appalling gusto. Tonight Hollywood is full of bright lights, glitzy clubs, red carpets, but the prettiest pop star in town is behind the wheel, singing along with every note of the sax solo from “Dirty Work.”

A few days later, on the other side of the world: Harry’s pad in London is lavish, yet very much a young single dude’s lair. Over here: a wall-size framed Sex Pistols album cover. Over there: a vinyl copy of Stevie Nicks’ The Other Side of the Mirror, casually resting on the floor. He’s having a cup of tea with his mum, Anne, the spitting image of her son, all grace and poise. “We’re off to the pub,” he tells her. “We’re going to talk some shop.” She smiles sweetly. “Talk some shit, probably,” says Anne.

We head off to his local, sloshing through the rain. He’s wearing a Spice World hoodie and savoring the soggy London-osity of the day. “Ah, Londres!” he says grandly. “I missed this place.” He wants to sit at a table outside, even though it’s pouring, and we chat away the afternoon over a pot of mint tea and a massive plate of fish and chips. When I ask for toast, the waitress brings out a loaf of bread roughly the size of a wheelbarrow. “Welcome to England,” Harry says.

He’s always had a fervent female fandom, and, admirably, he’s never felt a need to pretend he doesn’t love it that way. “They’re the most honest — especially if you’re talking about teenage girls, but older as well,” he says. “They have that bullshit detector. You want honest people as your audience. We’re so past that dumb outdated narrative of ‘Oh, these people are girls, so they don’t know what they’re talking about.’ They’re the ones who know what they’re talking about. They’re the people who listen obsessively. They fucking own this shit. They’re running it.”

He doesn’t have the uptightness some people have about sexual politics, or about identifying as a feminist. “I think ultimately feminism is thinking that men and women should be equal, right? People think that if you say ‘I’m a feminist,’ it means you think men should burn in hell and women should trample on their necks. No, you think women should be equal. That doesn’t feel like a crazy thing to me. I grew up with my mum and my sister — when you grow up around women, your female influence is just bigger. Of course men and women should be equal. I don’t want a lot of credit for being a feminist. It’s pretty simple. I think the ideals of feminism are pretty straightforward.”

His audience has a reputation for ferocity, and the reputation is totally justified. At last summer’s show at Madison Square Garden, the floor was wobbling during “Kiwi” — I’ve been seeing shows there since the 1980s, but I’d never seen that happen before. (The only other time? His second night.) His bandmates admit they feared for their lives, but Harry relished it. “To me, the greatest thing about the tour was that the room became the show,” he says. “It’s not just me.” He sips his tea. “I’m just a boy, standing in front of a room, asking them to bear with him.”

That evening, Fleetwood Mac take the stage in London — a sold-out homecoming gig at Wembley Stadium, the last U.K. show of their tour. Needless to say, their most devoted fan is in the house. Harry has brought a date: his mother, her first Fleetwood Mac show. He’s also with his big sister Gemma, bandmates Rowland and Jones, a couple of friends.

He’s in hyperactive-host mode, buzzing around his cozy VIP box, making sure everyone’s champagne glass is topped off at all times. As soon as the show begins, Harry’s up on his feet, singing along (“Tell me, tell me liiiiies!”) and cracking jokes. You can tell he feels free — as if his radar is telling him there aren’t snoopers or paparazzi watching. (He’s correct. This is a rare public appearance where nobody spots him and no photos leak online.) It’s family night. His friend Mick Fleetwood wilds out on the drum solo. “Imagine being that cool,” Gemma says.

Midway through the show, Harry’s demeanor suddenly changes. He gets uncharacteristically solemn and quiet, sitting down by himself and focusing intently on the stage. It’s the first time all night he’s taken a seat. He’s in a different zone than he was in a few minutes ago. But he’s seen many Fleetwood Mac shows, and he knows where they are in the set. It’s time for “Landslide.” He sits with his chin in hand, his eyes zeroing in on Stevie Nicks. As usual, she introduces her most famous song with the story of how she wrote it when she was just a lass of 27.

But Stevie has something else she wants to share. She tells the stadium crowd, “I’d like to dedicate this to my little muse, Harry Styles, who brought his mother tonight. Her name is Anne. And I think you did a really good job raising Harry, Anne. Because he’s really a gentleman, sweet and talented, and, boy, that appeals to me. So all of you, this is for you.”

As Stevie starts to sing “Landslide” — “I’ve been afraid of changing, because I built my life around youuuu” — Anne walks over to where Harry sits. She crouches down behind him, reaches her arms around him tightly. Neither of them says a word. They listen together and hold each other close to the very end of the song. Everybody in Wembley is singing along with Stevie, but these two are in a world of their own.

[disenchantedfaerie]

We’re still playing games, won’t you join?

I didn’t really listen to the entire thing. I was mostly just interested in the part about the rant. What I love most about this is still the fact that no one mentions why he was called out in the first place. He doesn’t mention it. CB doesn’t mention it. No one does. It’s just poor SH couldn’t take it anymore. He is poor abused Sam and it was the right time to share his feelings. He doesn’t mention it was all in response to the “small group of very vocal people” who used their voices to point out his covidiocy. And what did they get in return? Hate from this worshippers loyal followers and his blocking them from his SM. Read that again. HATE from his followers, the very thing he was reprimanding the fandom for is what they were doing to the “small group of people” that called him out for the lies and the blatant disrespect of what was happening.

Again, I don’t discount his feelings and if he truly does have mental health issues, I really hope and pray he finds a way to seek the help he needs. Mental health is no joke. I know. I deal with it daily. Bullying and stalking is not acceptable on any level ever. As someone in the public eye, I’m sorry that they have to deal with that. We’ve all heard the horror stories. The thought of stalking a celeb to find their whereabouts would never occur to me. If I run into someone on the street randomly, LUCKY ME! But to seek them out? No thank you. I don’t have that kind of time. I lived in LA for 17 years. I met a few celebs when I was following bands in Hollywood. Met them. Maybe had a drink or two, some nice conversation or a hug. That’s it. I didn’t follow them home or try to find them in hopes we could have a relationship, friendship or anything else. End of story.

Which leads me back to the main issue. Why did he really feel the need to drop that rant on that fateful day? It wasn’t really about the bullying and stalking. It was to change the focus of the fact that he fucked up by going to Hawaii in the midst of a global pandemic with someone, as far as we all know, he barely knew, and then bragged about it and let us know how hard he works and how much he deserved it when other harder working people had to cancel their plans. Let’s not forget it was just a few days before the Gaga special as well. Damage control. Simple. He then further punished his worshippers loyal followers and the rest of the fandom by tweeting and IGing sporadically, not interacting and staying quiet. Maybe he should have done that to begin with but attention is attention whether it’s good or bad.

And for what? A vacation? Really? New Orleans was all work? New York? Vegas? Oregon? Mexico? Mammoth? Big Sur? LA? He was working 24/7 (like all our front line doctors/nurses/delivery/all ESSENTIAL workers) the entire time he was brought to America? That’s truly amazing. What stamina he must have coming off of 10 long months of filming where again there was absolutely no down time ever. All work and no play makes Sammy a dull boy I guess.

The response however from STARZ and his coworkers has been very telling in my opinion. There really hasn’t been much interaction and for being one of the leads in the show it’s simply amazing how his live IGs have been cancelled time and again and OL STARZ hasn’t supported him doing one like they did for all the lesser cast. Interesting, yes?

I know I keep saying it over and over and I likely will keep saying it in the hopes that the guy I thought I followed when I started watching this show will apologize for discounting this pandemic and not following the advice of his government and being an entitled jerk about it when he was called out. If he thought he was really right, why lash out? Because deep down, he knew he was wrong but as a spoiled, selfish, entitled git, he had to show everyone just exactly who he is. Thank you. I’m glad he did. He’s saved me heartache and money.

I feel like I’m blathering but it’s my blog so I can. My final point is about this interview. When asked what the first thing is he wants to after this is over? He briefly said oh friends and family, but see my good old coworker Cait, hug my good old coworker Cait because that means they’re back at work. Feed a shipper much? That statement on the heals of the IG story he posted and where he asked for captions? Not a photo of J/C. No. That would have made too much sense. It was a photo of S/C with a cutesy little heart. Feed the shippers much? I just cannot with these people. They can’t have it both ways. Who are the biggest trolls in the fandom? STARZ and the leads. They started it. They keep feeding it. It will never end. What is he really going to do when OL is no more? Slip back into obscurity and hopefully (fingers crossed) live his actual truth if he even remembers what that is? Or will he continue with the lies because this taste of fame is too much to resist? Who will he fall back on when he can’t hide behind the show or his good old coworker, his number one woman to be associated with? What then? Be on another series, if he can, and be shipped with his costar again? And start the entire process all over? Be careful what you wish for. You may just actually get it. I feel bad for his mum. I can’t wait to see mine again, to hug her, have a meal with her, just sit with her and look at her. My coworkers will come and go. I only get one mum.

Next time I’m going to lay my thoughts on you about Dwayne Johnson The Rock. I read an interview with him recently and it restored my faith in humanity and elite A-List celebs. That’s for next time. Stay tuned.

I’ll be watching. I’ll be posting. 🖤💙🤍

[madamsixx]

Beyond The Leather: Chapter 12: You’re Invited, But Your Friends Can’t Come

August 1985

It was My Bazzar Magazine Fashion New York Shoot today and I was very excited. I never thought I would get to this point. My Sports Illustrated Magazine shoot gave me more opportunities. I was getting more calls to do more magazines and more calls for movie auditions next year. I was making more money then I could imagine, and Tamara was over the moon with how I was presenting my self.

Speaking of Tamara, she had no clue about what happened with me when I went out with the Motley boys. And I wasn't planning on telling her.

"Hey girl you ready for your shoot?" Lisa asks walking into my change room.

"Just about." I smile.

"Don't smile." The glam team states as there doing my make up.

"Sorry."

I was finally done and I was ready to go. I looked amazing. I walked over to Lisa who was holding a camera. She wanted to take a picture with me. And I was happy to. We walked out of the room and into the hall. She looked like she wanted to say something but was a bit hesitant to.

"What's wrong Lisa?" I stopped her and asked.

"Its nothing it's just.... I haven't heard from Vince since the after party and.. I mean.... well... he told me he would call me." She shrugs.

I should have told Lisa this is how they behave. They sleep with girls and take off. You can't expect a real relationship to come from any one of them. Not even Tommy who is gaga over Heather.

"Look I'm going to take my pictures and then when Im done we'll talk more about this." I continued walking.

"Ok. It could probably be because Nikki got you high and drunk. Maybe that's why he's avoiding me." She crossed her arms.

I stopped in my tracks and looked at Lisa with wide eyes. What did she mean by Nikki got me high and drunk.

"Wait Nikki said I drank too much punch that had whiskey in it." I stated.

"You did buuuut when you were alittle tipsy he gave you brownies that had weed in it. And then got you high and took you to the bar and ordered you cranberry juice and jack. And that got you drunk." She giggled. "I thought he told you."

My breathing started to get heavy. I should have known that he would do that. And what makes it worse is that he was busy calling the hotel begging to speak me. And I let his call come through and spoke to him. He was talking casually to me like he didn't do a single thing. Every time I think he's a good guy something always comes up to tell me other wise. I even went as far as to thank him for taking care of me while I was drunk. Not knowing that he was the one that actually got me to that point.

"Mani....Mani." Lisa hit my shoulder.

"Sorry I'm good let's just go." I continued walking out to the set. I was to be taking a picture beside a white stallion in a barn area of some sort out side. I felt agitated and annoyed. I was suppose to be focusing on this shoot but instead I was focused on how much I was starting to hate Nikki. And hate is a strong word that we should not be using. But I'm using it, and it's being used on Nikki Sixx.

"Alright Miss Darlington grab the horse." The photographer shouted. I grabbed the horse with thoughts of Nikki in my head. Is there a reason why he didn't tell me that he was the one that got me drunk. Questions were running through my mind and I needed answers.

"Alright that's a wrap". The photographer shouted.

I headed towards my dressing room and just sat there looking at my self in the mirror.

Nikki Sixx equals trouble. ________

September 25, 1985

I have been waiting for this week to come by and it is finally here. New York fashion week. It was being held in Manhattan at the skylight Clarkson Square. I already booked 15 shows and was paid a lot of money for it. I walked down the aisle with my head held high owning it. Tamara actually cried, I was shocked. But she was so happy to see me up there.

My whole family showed up for the show. And also some friends. I called Slash and his family to see if they could come but unfortunately he wasn't able too. However he did have some good news for me. He found a band in July. He was trying to get a hold of me but I was so busy it was hard for us to talk. I think the bands name is Guns N Roses. He told me that they were playing in LA at clubs like the Whisky a Go Go, Trabadour, and The Roxy. After im finished in New York I'll head down to LA to check out there gig. I'm very happy for him.

Also Motley Crues Theater of pain album has been climbing to the top of the charts. So much for Vince saying that the album sucked. Speaking of Vince, I invited him to come and watch me walk my first runway. But not just for that, today was the last day of fashion week. But it's also my Birthday, and I'm having a party well actually a dinner. Vince agreed not to tell the other guys seeing as my family was here and I didnt want anything bad to happen. My mom really liked Vince. It turns out that Vince was quite the charmer. My sisters even liked him. Me and Vince agreed not to say anything about Vince being in the band Motley Crue.... for now. We settled on him being Lisa's date. And yes I got Vince to call Lisa, I felt really bad. But is it weird that I was starting to like Vince..... a lot.

As for Nikki he called and tried to talk to me but I confronted him and ended up hanging the phone on his lying behind. He's been calling non stop after that leaving crazy messges. Personally, I think he's psychotic. He should have just told the truth. But knowing him, its always lies that come out of his mouth. And I wasn't going to beleive a single thing he had to say.

We ate dinner and everyone got along well. I finally had somthing go right... for now. _______

October 18, 1985, Toronto Canada

12:00 pm

A couple days after my first runway and birthday I headed home for a bit of a much needed break. Especially because I was doing interview after interview and commercials. Me and my sisters just got back from shopping we bought alot of things, well I bought alot of things. Just to have some sister time felt so good. Since I became famous we haven't spent alot of time with each other so it was nice going out.

We started taking our clothes out of our shopping bags and trying them on.

"This dress is really nice I should wear it when we go out some time." I looked over at Selena she's the oldest but shes really short. She put on a short blue dress and it really looked nice on her.

"I think so too. I like this skirt and top." I say putting the clothing on the bed matching them together. "You guys care too much about what you wear it's annoying." Felicia my younger sister is a tom boy she likes wearing mostly T-shirts and sweat pants. Where as Selena and I like dressing up. Maya the youngest was 2 so we usually dressed her up.

"Iman phone!" My mom yelled.

"Who is it?" I asked

"Vince!"

I ran to go get the phone. "Vince hey what's up!"

"Hey Mani, guess what?"

"What?" I said,

"Motley Crue is in Toronto baby!"

He shouted with excitment. I thought he was joking but when I looked and saw the number on the phone. I realized it was a number at one of the hotels downtown.

"No way, oh my God we have to chill."

"Hell yeah we do girl. So uuuuh can you call up some of your friends and come down to the Maple Leaf Gradens show today?"

"Is that where you guys are playing?"

"Yeah you should come watch us. This show is gonna be fucking crazy!"

"Considering what happened last time when I went to go see you guys in New York and ended up a drunk mess in Nikki's room. I think it would be a great idea to pass on that. I can meet you before the show and we can go out. I know some really fun places."

"Oh yeah sorry about that."

"We'll talk more when I see you, what hotel are you staying at?"

"The Hilton. Meet me there for about 4."

"Sounds great."

"Listen I didnt-"

(Loud yelling)

"Hello, hello, Vince?" All I could hear was loud yelling and the phone being hit around.

"Hello.... Vince?"

"Mani?"

I can't even tell you how fast I dropped the phone. It was Nikki. And I had no intention of speaking to him. ________

3:15 pm

I called up some of my friends and we drove down to the Hilton. My crew was Mia, Ashley, and Anna. We met in elementary school and stayed friends. They have always been there for me. We had other friends but us four were the tightest. We were ride or dies. They were so excited to meet Vince. My friends are like me but a bit worse. I won't lie they're very judgemental divas and would never settle for less. Oh like me, so never mind. I told them about the rest of the Motley boys. But they weren't interested in them especially because of the way they looked. We finally made it to the hotel and I called Vince from downstairs.

"Hey there sugar!" Vince shouted.

"Hey Vince!" I shouted back. I ran and gave him a big hug. We both walked backed to my friends. They started giggling and smiling as if me and Vince were a couple.

"My friend Mia drove so were going to go in her car and go to this wings place." I smiled.

Vince put his arm around me and smiled with all teeth. "That sounds great sweetheart."

"Yeah that does sound great." We heard a voice behind us and we all turned around. It was Nikki and Tommy.

"Oh h..hey guys. Uh we were just heading out." Vince said in a nervous voice. Nikki was glaring at me. It was a look that I couldn't even read. But I knew he was angry. And so was Tommy.

"Hope we can join you. I mean we weren't invited." Tommy snorted and glared at us.

"Theres no room in my car. It only seats five people sorry." Mia stated and smirked at Tommy.

"Sweety we don't need your cheap car we have limos. Were rockstars." Nikki and Tommy pushed passed us and walked out.

This was going to be a very chaotic afternoon. ______

We arrived at Wings Palace and everyone ordered what they wanted. The boys were so loud and ordered alot of alcohol. They started getting very rowdy and people were staring at us. Some were disapproving of them while others were taking pictures of us. Young fans came over to ask for autographs and some girls would even go as far as to ask them to sign there breasts. And I mean lift up there shirts right there with no bra. Yuk.

"So why the fuck weren't we invited out hmm?" Tommy asked looking at me.

"Uh well..... I didn't know if you wanted to come." I scratched my head. Wow Iman great lie Tommy's down for anything.

"I smell a bullshitter." Nikki snorted looking at me.

"What ever Nikki." I rolled my eyes. Nikki sat right beside me in the booth he was on the right I was in the middle and Mia on my other side. Vince sat across, he was in the middle Anna on his right and Ashley on his left he had both arms around them. They were in heaven. Tommy sat in chair pulled up to the table.

"So Vince what's it's like being a Rock Star. I see the whole bad boys behaviour on TV but you honestly don't look the type." Ashley smiled.

"Pfft." Nikki snorted "Vince is just as bad as us."

"Probably, but he looks better that's for sure." Anna cooed.

"Why cause he's a blonde hair bitch." Tommy and Nikki laughed.

"Y'know jealousy dosen't look good on you two." Ashley sneered.

"Neither does your hair cut." Nikki laughed.

I turned and glared at Nikki. "knock it off." I hissed.

"Fuck off." He said flipping me off.

"Here are your wings boys." The server said as she brought our wings. She looked over at Nikki and smiled.

"Thank you bye now." I shooed her away.

"Jealous are we." Nikki smirked.

"I would never be jealous of a girl that wanted to talk to you." I snorted.

"You know Iman at one point I actually thought you were a cool chick, but seeing as you didn't even want me and Sixx around to meet your stiff friends I think your a fucking bitch." Tommy says waving his hands at me.

"Wow real classy I can see why she didn't invite you two losers." Mia said as she bit a wing.

"Fuck you stupid cunt!" Nikki shouted throwing wings at Mia.

"Nikki stop!" I shouted.

"Get these losers out of here. You think because your rockstars you can talk to people any how you want!" Mia shouted.

"Ok woah guys now calm down." Vince raised his hands up.

"This is why I didnt invite you two. Everytime I go out with you two something always happens. Your either drunk or high or both!" I yelled and pushed Nikki out of the booth.

Nikki got up and thrashed the table throwing all the food to the floor and spilling the drinks every where on everyone.

"Fuck you bitches! I heard you were hear and I wanted to say sorry for what I did last time!" He gestured to me. "But I change my mind, you deserved to look like a drunken whore at that party!" Nikki yelled in my face.

My eyes went wide. I didn't know whether I wanted to slap him across the face or kill him. Instead, I got out of the booth and ran out of the building. I had enough of this guy and I wasn't going to put up with him any longer.

"Iman wait!" Nikki shouted and ran after me.

I picked up my pace and ran faster with tears filling my eyes and running down my cheeks. I didnt want to see any one, I just wanted to get as far away from them as possible. I ran straight inside the downtown Library were I knew I wouldn't be found.

"Iman!" Nikki shouted, or I thought I wouldn't be found. I ran up the stairs and stood in the corner of the library. Taking my hands and rubbing my wet face.

"God Nikki just leave me alone!" I shouted.

"No!" He shouted back.

"Shh" we were both startled by the librarian who came over to us "This is a quiet library not a place for you guys to be yelling. You can do that outside." The librarian hissed. We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes.

"Please just leave me alone Nikki." I whispered.

"No." He argues. "Not until you hear me out." I rolled my eyes.

"Look princess I fucked up at the party when I got you drunk ok and I'm sorry. I didn't tell you because... because I knew if I did you would never speak to me again. And I didn't want that for us."

I sighed."Nikki I would rather you tell me the truth than lie in my face. It makes me wonder what else you actually lie about."

"Ok you want to talk truth. Well why did you invite Vince to your first runway and Birthday? You didn't even tell me, Tommy, or fucking Mick about it? What kind of bullshit is that?" Nikki raised his voice turning me to face him.

I should kill Vince for saying anything to them. I told him not to and now I have to answer for it.

"Well me and Vince became close we talk now and then. I tell him about things I'm doing and he tells me about the things he's doing." I say looking at my feet. I looked back up and Nikki and he just had a sad expression on his face.

"And you can't do that with me? That's what your basically trying to say right?"

"No Nikki I cant! And I don't want to!" I said that with a harsh tone. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt my feelings back at Wings Palace and for every other place he had hurt me. But when I looked into his eyes he looks like he could cry right now. And I felt a bit guilty for what I said. Until his face changed into the angry Nikki I was used to seeing.

"Fine fuck you then!" He snapped and walked away.

I met back up with my friends and we hung around later then I expected. We stayed for the show which turned out to be great. I had to call my mom from the arena so she wouldn't freak out. But she wanted me home anyways. We said our goodbyes to Vince and Mick. Tommy and Nikki ignored me and my friends. So that was a great night. Not!

_____ 3.22 am

I was in my room sleeping when all of a sudden a car horn started going off outside and someone started screaming my name at the top of their lungs. It was probably a crazy fan. All the lights went on and everyone ran out of their rooms and headed to the front door. I looked out the door and..oh my God it was Nikki. He was smiling drunkenly at me with his Jack Daniel's bottle in his hand. He was still in his stage clothes and he looked like a mess. Tommy was with him grabbing him trying to get him back in the car. How the hell did they know where I lived.

"Oh there look T bone! Awww theres my princess! Look how fucking beautiful you are!" Nikki slurred.

I moved and hid behind the door so he wouldnt see me again. I can't believe this guy came here like this. I'm so embarrassed.

"No! Mani baby please I'm sorry. I just...I'm a mess!" He slurred and fell on the ground with his bottle spilling.

"Who is this man?" My mom yelled "call security right now and get these dirty drunks off my property now!" My demanded. "Get off my property or I'll call the cops!" She yelled in there direction.

"Look im really sorry I'll take him home please don't call the cops!" Tommy shouted back.

"Mani baby just wait for me please. I'll get my shit together I promise! Just dont break yours!" Nikki shouted as Tommy picked him up and through him in the back of the car.

"I'm really sorry!" Tommy shouted and waved. He got in his car and drove off.

My mom shut the door and looked at me with a straight face. "Start talking now!" She shouted at me.

"I don't... I don't know those guys." I said with a hesitant voice.

"Do not lie in my face. Cause if I find out that your involved with any guy. You are done with your career. Especially if he looks like that pile of junk outside! They look like a bunch of leather head rock stars! Well not for my daughter! You will get a good Catholic man!" My mom pointed in my face.

"I don't know him, it happens in LA a lot when I'm on the streets." I whispered. I was terrified of my mom. I felt like I was about to pee in my pants when she gave me that look. The sweat was drizzling down my face and in my Pitts. My breathing was heavy and I felt like I was going to pass out.

"Good for nothing rock star junkies is what they are." She walked away and my sisters looked at me then walked upstairs to there room. I hated lying to my mom, but this lie had to be told.

I walked up to my room and I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. I thought about the promise that I made to Nikki. A promise that unfortunately I would have to break. My mom would never accept Nikki. Even if I ended up falling in love with someone like him. She could never accept him for all his chains and leather.

[anachronistic-falsehood]

i finally listened to all of the playlists and i have some Thoughts that i just really really want to share. i love all the playlists in their own ways but i do have some favourites

1. Janus’ Playlist

this one is SO GOOD so of course i’m ranking it first 

just going by my own personal music taste, i love the vibes this playlist gives off with every single song. there wasn’t a single song i was tempted to skip

every single song perfectly fits our slimy snake boi

i love all the chill jazzy songs and the upbeat retro-sounding songs it has

i started happy stimming when Razzle Dazzle started playing so yEAH that’s a PRETTY good indication as to how much i love this playlist. imagine him doing jazz hands with all six arms with this song in the background. that is all

Billie Eilish is on this playlist so-

i am literally listening to this playlist again right now. i love my slimy snake son

As Far As I Can See made me a little emotional??? nobody’s listening to him, someone show my slimy snake boy some love please

if i could add one song to this playlist, i would choose The Room Where It Happens from the Hamilton Broadway Soundtrack. i think it gives off the same vibes, and the content of the song (“i want to be involved in things but i can’t be and i’m frustrated with not being able to have my input listened to because i’m not as important as everyone else”) really fits him. 

2. Remus’ Playlist

IT HAS NINJA SEX PARTY ON IT. OF COURSE I LOVE THIS PLAYLIST

i’m used to stupidly vulgar songs because i listen to a lot of old Hollywood Undead so none of the songs made me uncomfortable 

i love that he shares a lot of the same artists with Roman. Remus is Creativity 2 Electric Boogaloo, and it’s like he’s trying to take what’s Roman’s and make it fit for himself. like “hey, i’m just you but worse, you could have been me, and i’m not going to let you forget it so i’m going to warp what’s yours to fit my own ideas”

listening to Death as a Fetish made me SAD, i just wanna hug this stinky trash gremlin rat bastard now

a lot of the songs are just straight up bops that i have never heard before?? hello?? how have i not heard these before??? seriously thank u Remus for introducing me to these songs

if i could add any song to this playlist, i would choose Thermodynamic Lawyer by Will Wood and the Tapeworms. the absolute angry chaos of the song fits him perfectly, especially the beginning where the singer yells “i hold myself in contempt!” and the music kicks in. the lyrics are all over the place, if you can even decipher what he’s saying at all, and some of the imagery that comes with it is a little extreme and Remus-ish. it’s also just a song about hating someone’s guts, and judging from other songs on his playlist, it’s pretty clear that Remus seems to hate Roman a lot. basically i’m saying i can imagine Remus doing a big villain musical number to this.

3. Logan’s Playlist

BO BURNHAM!! WHITE AND NERDY!! THE ELEMENTS SONG!!! every single song on here made me go “oh my god HECK YES!!!”

One More Time With Feeling and Not Perfect made me emotional, i wanna hug my smart nerdy boy

just from my own music taste, not all of the songs were ones that i vibed with, but i enjoyed them nonetheless, and they all gave some really good insight to his character

imagining Logan listening to Letter C and Time Adventure makes me smile. i am a Logan stan first and human being second

the song i would pick to add onto his playlist is La La La by Naughty Boy. LOOK at the lyrics and tell me that doesn’t scream Logan. i think it would play into Logan’s unwillingness to acknowledge the others’ feelings and even ignore his own at times and act like he doesn’t even have any. he wants to be right and solve things  with objective facts and he finds emotions tiring since he can’t make objective decisions when feelings are involved, so he blocks them out altogether.

4. Roman’s Playlist

this boy has a LOVELY music taste. it doesn’t fit my own super well but i still enjoyed all the songs 

MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS!!!!

again,,,,, the fact that he and Remus both have a lot of the same artists on their playlists,,,,, i see what y’all did there, Thomas & friends. i see you

having Wonderboy on there made me think that maybe Roman and Remus used to have a good brotherly relationship, and maybe. maybe Roman wants to repair their relationship but Remus is stubborn and hates Roman for unknown reasons

most of the songs were bops and i love them 

there are a lot of songs i would choose to add to this playlist but i’m going with Born This Way by Lady Gaga, because come ON you’re telling me that the gayest prince on this side of hemisphere wouldn’t have Lady Gaga???? it’s a crime to not have this song on his playlist. he also needs a little ego boost right now after SvS Redux and i feel like listening to this song would make him feel a little bit better. i think this song would highlight the few things Roman is really proud of and represent how he used to act before his self-esteem issues came into play

5. Virgil’s Playlist

lots of emo. i love it

a lot of the songs were similar to me and just kind of blurred together, but that’s probably just because i kept zoning out and doing other things while listening to this playlist. so, a plus for me is that it’s a good set of songs for me to play in the background while i’m busy to provide some noise

i love that it ended with Vindicated. i also lost my shit when it started playing Under Pressure but that’s just because i’m a Game Grumps fan and their bit in the Sonic Boom playthrough with the misheard lyrics makes me crack up every time

all in all, lots of chill songs, some angsty songs, the lyrics of most of them give us more context to his character

i appreciate that Thanks For The Memories is on here. hell yeah purp man, give us that early 2000′s emo music

I Disagree by Poppy is the song i would add to his playlist. Virgil said “i fight the man” and this song really has that “fuck the man i will fight authority” vibe to it. also you cannot convince me that Virgil isn’t a fan of Poppy’s new music. i kind of wish his playlist had some heavier rock stuff on it to show his former, more rebellious and cocky pre-AA personality, but i like what we got and how this playlist shows how much he’s changed.

6. Patton’s Playlist

these songs are so SWEET and i love him

i went feral as soon as i saw that New Soul was on here

however, i was very zoned out when i listened to this playlist so most of the songs blended together in my head and i hardly remember anything i heard. most of them sounded very similar

i do remember that i loved Turnaround, Oranges, and Oh Heart though!!! Oh Heart was probably my favourite from his playlist

i love that both he and Logan have a song from Tank and the Bangas on their playlists, and the songs are so different but still connected by the artist. it shows how different Patton and Logan are in every aspect but that they still need each other to do their jobs and that they can work together when they need to

overall a very chill but emotional playlist and i wouldn’t expect anything else from our lovely precious boy

the song i would add onto his playlist is Gotta Let Go by Hollywood Undead. it’s a very emotional song about letting go of the past and looking forward to the future. the “Moving On” episodes are what made me think of this song. i think it shows Patton’s overwhelming optimism about everything and his hesitation to move forward and stray from his strict optimistic morals.

anyway if you read this whole thing i apologize for wasting your time but i just needed to rant about these boys’ music tastes

[maylovexhs]

HIM - everytime (chp. 2)

Author’s Note: I literally stayed up till 2 am to write this. Yikes. Anyways, y’all liked this series so much so I’m continuing it! As always, feel free to write comments! Love, M.

everytime masterlist(https://maylovexhs.tumblr.com/post/184349485299/everytime-masterlist-a-story-in-which)

August 27, 2018. LOS ANGELES.

This was not what I expected. This wasn’t the better I was hoping for. How could this be better?

“How can he be a co-chair? He hasn’t even been to the Met Gala once!”

I looked to Ali who was on her phone.

“Ali” I called on her.

She looked up from her phone to me.

“What?” She asked me. “I was busy texting Christian”

I turned my laptop that sat on my lap towards her. She looked at the email’s message, not having much of a reaction.

“And?” She asked me. “You can’t do nothing about it. You agreed you would do it”

I closed my eyes, letting out a sigh.

“I didn’t expect it to be him” I said out loud. “I expected it to be someone else”

“You mean, you didn’t expect meeting Harry again?” Ali said.

I opened my eyes, looking to her.

“What?” I asked her.

“Y/N, he’s the face of Gucci” Ali said. “If Gucci is sponsoring it, it was obvious he was a candidate to cohost. You’re just mad because now you have to face seeing him again”

I closed down my laptop, setting it on the couch. I stretched my legs out, touching Jack. Jack stood up, walking over to me. He waved his tail as he decided to lay down by my side.

Ali did have a point. The whole reason I didn’t want to go backstage to Harry’s concert a few months ago was because a part of me was afraid of his reaction. I did want to see him again, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to explain to him that I stopped talking to him because I was processing a traumatic experience. How was I going to say that without causing him to worry and ask me what happened when I wasn’t ready to share? It took me months for me to process it all and I’m still continuing to heal. I couldn’t tell him that.

“How am I supposed to tell him?” I asked, looking to Ali. “How do I tell him that I secretly had a miscarriage that made me distant myself from everyone? How?”

Ali placed her phone down.

“I don’t know” She said. “I don’t know how you even told me. You told me day after it happened”

I felt my eyes begin to tear up. I crossed my arms, trying to get a hold of myself. I forced myself to smile as I remembered the image of Ali sitting on the side of the hospital bed. I remember the feeling of panic and helplessness when I felt pain below my stomach and seeing blood drip down my leg. I keep remembering it all when all I do is try to push forward and forget it.

“I think he would understand” Ali said.

I looked down at Jack.

“You think?” I asked her, being uncertain. “It’s been a year since I last talked to him”

Ali stayed silent. I looked to her, seeing she had no response. She was stuck like me.

“I do owe him the truth” I told Ali. “This was different like last time”

“Because you had a reason to be mad at him” Ali said, looking at me. “You don’t have to tell him you’re not ready but-“

“I would want to know” I said, cutting her off. “I wanted to know when he stopped talking to me

“Yeah, two years after” Ali commented.

I bit my bottom lip, trying to figure out what I should do. If I do tell him, I’ll end up crying in front of him. If I don’t, I’ll be crying at the Met Gala for the world to see. It was better to do it now than then.

“I’m going to tell him” I told Ali.

“What?” Ali said with her eyes widening in shock.

I stood up from the couch.

“I’m going to tell him” I said to her. “If he answers”

I walked away from Ali and to my bedroom. I went over to my bedside table, unplugging my phone charger. I opened my phone and went to my contacts. I scrolled down it, stopping at the sight of his name. I pressed on Harry, taking me to his profile.

Message. Call. FaceTime.

Those were my options. I wasn’t going to FaceTime him. Not with the chance I was going to cry. So, I could either call or message him. I stared down on my phone looking at the choices. My thumb hovered over the message button, seeming it would be a safer way. I hovered over the phone button with my gut telling me to call him. I let out a shaky breath.

“For fuck’s sake Y/N, don’t be a pussy.” I cursed at myself.

I pressed on the phone button, bringing my iPhone to my ear. I became anxious when I heard the first rings. I sat down feeling my knees grow weak. I began to hope he wouldn’t pick up. God, if he doesn’t-

“Hello?”

Fuck. He picked up.

“H?” I asked.

“Y/N?” Harry said back. “Didn’t expect you to call”

I blushed, knowing he knew I probably wanted to apologize.

“Neither did I” I told him.

I saw from the corner of my eye that Ali walked into my bedroom.

“I guess you saw the email Anna sent” Harry said. “For the record, I didn’t know you were co-chair before reading it”

I chuckled at his mark.

“I could say the same thing about you” I said. “But it’s Gucci and you always had taste so . . . Should at least expected a little”

“Should have expected you after seeing you always on the red carpet” Harry said.

I blushed. Ali sat on the bed next to me.

“Anna did pick some good co-chairs. Stefani will probably be the best though” I admitted.

“Stefani?” Harry asked, with a bit of confusion heard in his voice.

“Gaga” I told him. “That’s her real name”

“Oh, right” Harry said, realizing what I was referring to. “Still don’t know what to call her”

Ali nudged me.

“Are you telling him?” She whispered to me.

I nudged her back, not knowing if I could.

“Well, I always call her Stefani when I bump into her” I told him. “It’s better if you ask her”

“I will” Harry said.

I let out a chuckle. Ali came closer to me, listening to our conversation.

“Umm. .” I started to talk through the awkwardness of our conversation. “Do you wanna to meet someplace?” I asked him. “It feels weird not to before the Met”

“Love to” Harry said. “How could I refuse? Are you in LA?”

“Yeah” I answered. “Are you?”

“I am” Harry said. “Been in the studio”

“New album?” I asked him.

“Yup” Harry said. “Been a pain in the ass making”

I let out a laugh. Ali smiled.

“I’m about to get out” Harry said. “You want to go eat after or-“

“Yes” I said to him. “I’m free all night”

Ali crossed her arms at me.

“Alright” Harry said. “I’ll pick you up in an hour?”

“Yeah” I said. “In a hour. You remember where my house is, right?”

“Cass and Reforma” Harry said. “How can I forget?”

I smiled to myself. He still remembered.

“Right. I’ll see you in a hour” I said. “See you soon”

I ended the call, hanging up on him. I fell back to lay on the bed with my arms wide out.

“You’re free?” Ali asked, pointing out my lie.

I looked to her, letting out a sigh.

“I need a Xanax”

[roughsexwithgaga]

Love Will Tear Us Apart pt.3

Continued from: “Alone together.”

You met me when I had no light.

"I can't believe you left with him!" Bo said. Her eyes were glowing and she squeezed the steering wheel like it contained all the juicy information. "Is he in love?"

"Why the fuck… I just-" Lady Gaga pushed her sunglasses up her nose.

"Did he want to see you again?"

"Yeah, well. He asked, so yeah!"

Bo grinned and laughed and Gaga looked at all the messages on her phone. You better work, bitch, she thought. One night off and her phone blew up. "Christian, Christian, Christian… what the fuck," she muttered as she scrolled.

"What is he saying?"

"He's apologizing and he's full of regret." Gaga let her hands drop to her thighs and exhaled. "He actually thought that he could get back at me by ignoring me? And now he won't shut up!"

\o/

Gaga could overhear Bobby and Bo talking about things they would never say to her face.

Bo said, "She's hurting herself."

Bobby said, "She's fragile."

She exhaled and wondered how much they were lying about to her face. Fragile? She wanted to object but when she opened her eyes and mouth she realized that she had fallen asleep over the mixer board. Their conversation felt so real in her dream. She looked around the room and noticed that she was in the studio and music was streaming really loud through the speakers. Maybe she subconsciously wanted people to tell her off. Her eyelids felt like they were glued shut and she blinked a few times and yawned. She turned the music off and realized her phone was buzzing.

She didn't even get a chance to say hi before Bloodpop laughed into her ear. "Guess who's here!"

"What?" was all she managed to say in her halfway between asleep and awake state.

"I thought you slept more like a princess all curled up and sweet but MISTER BURNS here says you sleep like a construction worker after a 14 hour shift and 8 pints of Guinness."

She heard Matt shout in the background. "I'm so sorry, Stefani, I did not say that. He's ruthless!"

"What the fuck is going on?" she said, more to herself than the producer who was laughing into her ear. He eventually stopped and she heard a muffled sound like he tried to cover the mic in a dramatic way.

"So you lied to me? I'll remember that. You told me she-"

She heard Matt's voice again, a little louder. "I promise we haven't even discussed you!"

"You don't even know what that looks like!" Gaga shouted. Feeling her cheeks heat up now, recalling how she had woken up at the DJ's place. It would be typical of Michael to joke about it to try and get a reaction out of Matt and he probably didn't know how spot on he was. She hated when people talked over her head and made her seem like she was out of the loop. She was in control, always. Even when she pretended that she wasn't.

Two days had passed since she met Matt Burns and she had been working in the studio as well as with her stylists. Michael finally got to the point and said he and Matt had been putting their heads together for a whole day and it sounded great but he didn't know if she would be interested. She promised she would come over to the Shangri-La studio as soon as she was back in Malibu.

It was getting dark outside so she closed the MacBook and collected the papers scattered in front of her. She had been making notes and going over papers and somehow fallen asleep in the middle of it all. She was so happy most of the awards season already was finalized.

"Oh, you're awake." Bo noticed the music had stopped and approached her with the phone in her hand.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" Gaga asked and felt like her whole face still had imprints of knobs and sliders and rubbed her cheek.

"You looked like you needed it," Bo said and first now Gaga noticed how sad she looked. "It's Ryan, the vet has been over and I'm sorry but it's not… good news."

Gaga inhaled and took the phone and interrupted herself mid thought about Bo letting her sleep on the sound board. "Oh my god," she whispered instead and blinked when she felt her throat get thick. "Ryan?" she said and waited for the man to deliver his message. In short her horse was sick, and getting worse. Gaga had to go to Malibu to see her, but there was also the Critics' Choice awards tomorrow. She had to go home anyway and then back again.

She told Bo she wanted to leave immediately, and her friend put the things that she wanted with her in a bag and carried it out to her car. She sat with her head in her hands basically the entire ride back to Malibu. Her headache was soaring like a dull knife through her head and she had taken enough pain killers to knock out an elephant.

When she arrived it was dark outside and the mansion seemed deserted. Her driver stopped by the stable and she pulled herself out of the car. Bo took her bag and walked over to the house.

"I'll come inside in a while… In case she's on the safe side." Gaga said.

Bo looked at her friend's tiny shoulders pulled up to her ears and the baggy sweat pants that seemed like they would drop off her hips any second. Her feet were shuffling through the gravel like she wanted to avoid reaching the stables because she didn't want to know how bad it was.

She put the bag down and ran over to her, put her arm around her shoulders and followed her inside the welcoming warm light in the stable. "It's gonna be OK," she whispered against her ear.

"I hope you're right," Gaga mumbled and reached for Bo's hand when she saw Arabella lying down in her stall. Suddenly the horse looked so tiny, barely taking up any space on the floor. Gaga's staff had made sure she was as comfortable as she could be. Lots of straw and the mattress of shavings underneath her were new and soft.

Gaga's lack of proper sleep would most likely knock her out any second. She could feel her muscles protest every time she moved. The warmness of the animal, her shallow sleep. Gaga caressed the neck and listened to the hollow sound of the breaths. The horse noticed her, tried to raise her head and welcome her, but the effort was too much. Instead she sniffed her hands when Gaga put them over her mule and caressed her.

"They put her on a steady IV-drip to keep her calm," Ryan said and Gaga nodded. Her focus was solely on the horse by her side.

"Beautiful baby," she whispered and saw the ears wiggle, listening to her voice. "I'm so sorry."

\o/

"I know it's in a fucking hangar, but it'll be OK." Gaga tried to pose in front of the mirror. "The only thing not making this dress fall to the floor are my nipples!" she said.

"We can change it if you want to," her stylist Sandra said and pulled her eyebrows together and Gaga thought it looked like she felt sorry for her.

"No, I like it. I want to wear it. It'll be interesting if I step on it," she laughed and pulled it up a little. "Let's just pray they stay hard." She exhaled. "I can't breathe," she added and tried to take slow breaths. "I'm so nervous."

Everyone looked at her and she felt like they pitied her. Like she was being ridiculous.

"I'm sorry, I'm just so…" She felt her throat get thick and went 'no, no' in her head.  

"Don't worry. Just enjoy the night. You already won." Bobby stroke her back and put his arms around her.

"Just let me know if anything happens. I don't want to be left in the dark," she said.

Bobby promised any updates on her horse Arabella would go straight to her and then they made themselves ready to leave the hotel for the award show.

Christian met her outside the hotel and she smiled at him. "Hi," she said and held his hand when she sat down in the car. "How are you?"

"I'm good," he replied. "You look fantastic. Listen, I-"

"Thank you," she said to cut him off.

We can't even have a conversation anymore she thought and looked out the window on her side. Christian held her phone and bag with her notes.

"I've been so busy I haven't had time to memorize anything. I mean I have made notes and if I have to get up there and accept an award I will have to look at a fucking piece of paper and I just…" She made a resigned gesture with her hands and shrugged.

Christian looked at her. "You will do great. I'm sure of it. It won't matter."

…

"Best Song…"

"…Shallow."

She heard the whispers from people around her but was still in shock by how amazingly the song resonated with people everywhere and the massive impact it had with the help of the movie.

Refusing to take any of these award winnings for granted she felt overwhelmed when the song was announced as the winner in its category. Having her feelings on the outside of her skin all night, she didn't have to search inside to get emotional over the win. They were all extraordinary and a testament to how hard work and dedication paid off.

Each time the song got acclaim and praise she felt like a valve was turned and letting some steam out. All winter everyone expected it to sweep and once all this started and she could start checking things off she was more and more relieved. If people thought she was extra then so be it, it was their problem. She got spoiled once and the next second she had it all thrown into her face. She was aware of how deceiving the business could be, and how they could screw you over for no reason at all.

"I don't know what is going on, but you could at least pretend to be happy for her." She heard the whisper behind her when she sat down after returning to her seat. She didn't see who it was, but saw how Christian's neck turned red and how he started shifting in his seat and looked to his other side, away from her.

Gaga thought how it probably was hard for him. He didn't know his place in all this, and felt removed from her. "You're part of the team," she whispered. "Enjoy the night at least." His scent somehow made her relax even if she felt like she was on the edge of a breakdown.

He looked down and felt her hand on his. She looked so different. He realized she had been stressed these last few days. But she always worked hard and seemed to be completely swallowed up by things she was so invested in. He just wasn't one of those things right anymore and he could sense the detachment. It was so evident and he realized she was distancing herself more than ever, even in public. People are gonna see we're not a couple, no matter what, he thought and noticed that he once again was somewhere completely else when he heard Best Actress being announced and felt her grip get harder.

Gaga was ready for another resignation like at the Globes. It was the award she wanted, what she had worked for several years in a row now.

Glenn Close - again, she didn't know if she was supposed to be happy for her or feel like a failure and sat there confused and empty for several seconds before it sank in that it was a tie. Then she felt her heart make frantic double somersaults inside her chest.

The possibility that it could be her turn made her go completely deaf during Glenn's speech when she waited for the other announcement. Her pulse kept hammering so loud when the name 'Lady Gaga' was read out loud that she could barely hear it. Everything happened so fast. Her heart felt like it shot up through her throat and she had difficulties breathing. She saw the Oscars in front of her and her mind was elevated into some blissful cloudy heavens. You're not there yet, she thought while her chest cramped.

Christian's arms shot up in the air, and she suddenly didn't know where to turn and then she stepped on the dress on her way to the stage. For a fraction of a second she feared it would be her Jackson Maine moment, that her dress would drop to her hips and she would stand there completely naked. Not that it bothered her, but the moment could hardly be any worse.

You're an actress now, she said to herself. But you're also Stefani and this is your dream. She swallowed, tried to gather her thoughts that were darting back and forth inside her brain and put them into words. She had longed for a moment like this. Yes, she was grateful for all the awards, but this… this was- and then she noticed they had the nerve to try and play her off the stage and she barely knew what she was talking about but that piano snapped her back into reality real quick.

She angrily turned her head to announce to the people on the side stage that she could definitely do this with a piano background. Her lips moved by themselves ahead of her brain and her hands trembled with the note in her hands.

…

When she returned from the press room, Bobby took her aside. The look on his face scared her. "What is going on?" she asked, firmly gripping the two awards.

"Arabella is getting worse by the minute."

Christian overheard them. "What's going on?"

"Arabella is getting worse," Bobby said.

Gaga covered her face in his hands and decided to leave straight away.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Christian asked.

"Do as you like, I don't give a fuck." Gaga hurried past him and tried to keep a straight face.

\o/

The whole night was a torture. The horse weakening every second and Gaga being torn between wanting it to end and for it to never end. At one point Arabella started breathing faster and her dark brown eyes seemed to roll around like she was panicking. Gaga felt the horse's heart beat faster and cried out for help.

"I think she's in pain," she shouted. Her tears streamed down her face. "Please, please, make it better." She let her hand stroke along the neck of the horse, trying to comfort and calm her down.

The vet increased the doze, Arabella calmed down but got weaker every minute. Gaga wanted to make her wake up, but by the morning she could see the light in the horse's eyes fade slowly and Gaga dug her fingers into her mane, pulled it and cried against the lifeless body.

…

Christian woke up and noticed that she had not slept on her side in the bed. He could still somehow sense her presence and looked towards the windows. Gaga sat outside with her legs against her chest and a cigarette between two fingers. Her hair fluttered a little in the slight breeze and the ash looked like a long gray twig, ready to fall off any second. She seemed lost in her own thoughts and twitched when he opened the doors and sat down next to her.

She raised her head and he looked into her bloodshot eyes. "Hey," she said and wiped her cheeks in case there were still tears.

"How is she?" Christian asked.

Gaga exhaled. "She's gone, Christian. She's…" Her voice cracked. "I saw how the life faded in her eyes. It was so… heartbreaking how I couldn't help her. I just sat there and I-" she choked up again.

"You know how human touch can calm people down, people who are lying in hospital beds, you can literally see how their bodies react to human touch, how they calm down and I'm sure she could sense all the love you poured over her. I'm so sorry, Stef."

"I don't know what to do," she said and he put his hand on hers. It was resting next to her on the couch and to his surprise she didn't pull it away. "I just didn't want her to feel any pain. She was so scared." She turned around and wrapped her arms around him. The tears made his t-shirt wet and he could feel her fingers dig into his shoulder.

He felt his throat get thick, thinking of how much Gaga had loved the horse and how he had laughed at her crazy but adorable ideas. How a void would be left when an animal you were used to passed away. He held her and let her cry until she felt like there were no more tears left. She pulled the collar of his t-shirt, started brushing it and apologized for making him wet.

How could he tell her how lovely it felt having her touching him, turning to him at this moment? He had to tell himself that he was comforting her, and it was his job even if she seemed so sick and tired of him right now. He was afraid that if he told her that he loved her right now, she would let him go. She would remember that she didn't want him anymore and leave him. Fuck, he was so desperate to keep her it was pathetic.

He wrapped her arm around her back and let it glide up to her nape and raised his chin to smell her hair. It was stiff from all the products she had used yesterday and wasn't washed. She turned her face up and let her lips nudge his. The stubble was rough against her soft, swollen lips and it made her feel something. His scent was familiar and comforting.

She pulled her head away. "No, stop. I can't. I just… it doesn't work that way."

"I love you, Stef." He said it anyway, nearly in panic, and raised his hand to her face.

"No, you have this idea of how we're supposed to be and it just isn't like that."

"This is exactly what I told you the other day!"

She raised her head and looked into his eyes. "Yeah, so maybe we have different views on what love is." Her voice was hard. "Do you think this is the right moment for this?"

Christian looked at his hands and started to pick the hairs on his arms. "I was just trying to comfort you."

"Right," she muttered and turned away from him.

He didn't want to leave her side so he sat there quietly while she lit another cigarette and stared at the sea.

\o/

Work. Always the best way to keep your mind busy when it wanted to stray into areas you didn't want to be. Gaga stepped off the plane and got into the car. It was early morning and she was scheduled to perform at Park Theater later that evening. Christian followed right behind her, suddenly having gained a bit of confidence back the last few days. Not that they had spent a lot of time together since The Golden Globes. Gaga was pretty much done with the whole thing and Christian lingering around her was getting on her nerves.

She subconsciously thought of ways to annoy him and considered going out or spend time with her band and dancers just so she wouldn't have to be alone with him and his prying eyes and questions. She noted that he had started to suspect something. Justin was texting her, Burns was texting her. But somehow he had developed a fixation on what the tabloids wrote. She had to laugh at the fact that when they did the press tour he did not care no matter how much she buttered Bradley in front of the press or how many rumors they started.

Some people had shown that they did not approve of the whole thing, but they really sold that movie and it had worked wonders.

She tossed the car door opened and got out of the vehicle. The air was chilly and dry. She wanted to get inside as quickly as possible and pushed the sun glasses up her nose and dove right into her villa inside the Mansion. Barely acknowledging the flowers on the table inside the massive hallway she made her way to the bathroom. She grabbed a bottle of water and noted that the massage table was already set up. She would have a bath and massage and then it would already be time to get back in the car and basically just travel across the intersection to Park MGM.

…

It felt so awesome to be back on stage and hearing the fans lose their shit while she gave them everything. After some aftercare, since her body apparently was falling to pieces, she would meet some of them. She did her usual strut inside the room and posed for their pics for a few minutes before it was time to get back to the Mansion again. Some wouldn't shut up and some didn't say two words but she was used to both and carried a tiny conversation even with the most star struck ones.

It was mind numbing and nice. She soaked herself in the compliments and smiled even if it already felt like she was on her third show of the week. She looked over her shoulder and waved at the few ones who still stood behind and collected their bags with merchandise. None of them looked at her and she sighed internally at how fickle the attention was. They got their moment, now they wanted to share it with their friends.

Bobby was right beside her. "Killed it," he said and gave her a wink as they entered the elevator to go back down.

She laughed and gave him a soft nudge with her elbow. "Thanks Bobby," she said.

Freddie took the wig as soon as she sat down inside the dressing room. Then she undressed and sat down on the couch in the middle of the room. The adrenaline was still pumping inside her and she felt a comfortable buzz.

\o/

By Sunday she had decided to get wasted after her jazz show and booked a whole bar and activities for her team. She showed up at midnight after everyone else had been busy for about an hour. She had looked exhausted after the concert since every minute she was awake she spent working and after that she gave it all for two hours on stage.  

She wore a tight black dress that glittered in the lights by the bar. After all it's Las Vegas. The thin shoulder straps rested across her tanned shoulders and the low cleavage was tight and gave her tits a lift that she was especially content with. Her make up was subtle but still enhanced her cheek bones and made her lips look swollen and pouty. She smiled and sat down between Sarah and Bobby. Christian stopped behind her when there was no chair close to Gaga he walked all around the bar to the other side to find a place to sit.

She crossed her legs and let her thigh be visible through the slit. The dress reached her ankles but was a little bit too long, but she wanted to wear it anyway. Her eyelids had a glittery pinkish color and thin eyeliner. It really worked wonders and she looked more alive than she had done all week. She had her hair up in a bun and tiny little diamonds in her ears. She ordered a margarita and started chatting with Sarah.

…

After about 45 minutes she had managed to get hammered and could barely sit on the bar stool without slipping off it. At first she had not noticed anything and then the alcohol hit her like a ton of bricks. She started repeating herself and noted that her memory started to deceive her. When she went to the restrooms she had to support herself against the wall. When she looked into the mirror she told herself to "get a grip" �� as if getting completely tanked wasn't her goal from the start.

When she came out, Christian waited for her. "You might want to consider slowing down."

"Oh really," she said and noticed that it was hard to articulate the words. And that was all it took for the argument to take off. Christian blamed Gaga for being an irresponsible drunk, throwing everything away and not being serious about anything, and Gaga told him to keep his nose out of her business. Several combinations involving the word 'fuck' left her mouth and even if she managed to keep her voice low it was impossible for people nearby to miss what was going on.

It all ended with Christian leaving her standing by the wall. He walked away with his eyes firmly focused on the pattern of the carpet on the casino floor so he didn't have to look anyone he met in the eyes. Gaga took shallow breaths and leaned against the cold wall. "Fuck," she spat out and closed her eyes. After that she disappeared into a haze of alcohol.

\o/

Gaga woke up and refused to open her eyes. Her whole world already consisted of different colors spinning around like a merry-go-round without her having to take in the surroundings using her eyes as well. Her mouth felt like it had been lined with sand paper and her forehead like she had banged her head against a concrete wall a few hundred times. She swallowed and instantly regretted it since she noticed how nauseous it made her. Lying completely motionless would be the best solution.

She opened her mouth and took shallow breaths trying to ease down her stomach. It was making subtle cramps and her mouth suddenly watered. When the worst nausea had settled she opened her eyes. She turned her head slowly and to her surprise she noticed someone sleeping face down in the pillow next to her. She squinted her eyes and tried to focus. A cold tingling feeling drilled down her back as she didn't recognize the features of the person next to her immediately. Her hand crawled out from underneath the comforter and scrambled across the bedside table for her glasses.

"I'm fucking blind," she mumbled and finally got her hands on them. She pushed them up her nose and looked at the man sleeping next to her. "And just who the fuck are you?" she whispered.

The man made a little snoring sound, turned around and faced the other way but didn't wake up. She continued to stare at him and raised herself up on her elbows and looked around the room. The massive bedroom revealed no other secrets so she got out of the bed and walked inside the bathroom. She was butt naked and glanced at her phone on the way. It was 10 am and she had a feeling she had been drinking until early morning.

When she sat down on the toilet she got memory flashes of how the night unfolded. She tried to recall the bar. "Oh no, Christian," she remembered and buried her face in her palms. He had left after their heated argument. She didn't recall if he came back, but only had to look at her phone again to see his hundred messages to realize that it had not happened. She had not opened any of his messages so it was safe to say she had not replied.

She vaguely recalled returning to the bar, even sitting on the bar, eventually also getting behind the bar and making drinks for everyone. She recalled making up some kind of rainbow cocktail and trying to make it layered, and doing so extremely well. Who had she been talking to? A face appeared in front of her and when she realized who it was she exhaled loudly and closed her eyes.

He had been on to her since he got assigned to her Las Vegas residency. The monitoring guy with the in-ear pieces that he couldn't shut up about. She even remembered his name; Dan Horton.  

Fuck.

Gaga cleaned herself up a bit because she felt like she could feel the hangover seeping out of her pores. It was like breathing a little new life into her body when she washed her face. She didn't feel like she had sex, but still felt a little uneasy about dragging anyone back to her hotel.

She walked out into the kitchen and noticed the breakfast carriage that had been wheeled in through the staff entrance. She looked through all the plates. There were some bacon strips and slices of fruit that she picked out and hungrily stuffed into her mouth. She drank juice directly from a bottle and walked back into the bedroom with the bowls and plates.

She sat down on the bed and rested against the wall, still chewing on the bacon strips while she looked at the man next to her, wondering if Christian would come walking right in any second. Strangely enough it didn't even worry her or make her nervous. It's about time, she thought when Dan raised his head and looked at her through squinty eyelids.

"Good morning," he said while he exhaled and turned it into a yawn.

"Is it?" she said and put the plate down on the bedside table.

"How can you eat?" he muttered with his head buried in the pillow.

She scooted down a bit so she was closer to his face.

"You passed out," he said. "Nothing happened."

"That's a shame. And this room is supposed to be magic." She was somehow relieved he confirmed that they didn't have sex, but wondered how many guys her passing out would've stopped from carrying on anyway.

She smiled and moved closer. "I'm awake now." She raised her dark eyebrows so they turned into thick upside down v's above the frames of her glasses and Dan stared back into her eyes as if he couldn't believe who he had next to him.

She was naked apart from the glasses. The black frames had slipped down her nose and she pushed them back up. Her make up looked really lived in with the smudged eye liner and some lipstick remaining. He could see how her lips had been slightly overdrawn and the swollen lips parted when she smiled.

"Listen, umm…," he said and bit his lip. He had gazed upon all her naked glory yesterday. But even if it was mostly a blur, he still recalled how she had tasted and felt when they kissed. How soft she was and how she had laughed and pulled him along with her.

"Is it Christian?" she asked. She was lying on her side with her chin resting in her hand.

"No, you said it's over so I-"

She raised her perfect eyebrows again and he hesitated.

He narrowed his eyes again and rolled over on his back. "This is so fucking weird," he said and turned his face towards hers. She laughed, a deep, low, chuckling laughter. He was happy that she was happy, looked at her face and the loose hair falling down her cheeks and collarbones. He raised his hand to remove the hair from her cheek and then she stopped laughing and sucked her lip and looked into his eyes.

He reached behind her nape and pulled her close. Felt her lips against his and opened his mouth. His tongue felt coarse, but she didn't seem to mind. She put her hands on his shoulders when he raised himself up on his arms.

"I have a confession to make," she said and he paused halfway on top of her. "I don't remember a fucking thing from yesterday," she snorted out a laugh. "I'm sorry."

"OK," he said and let her go. "So we have to start over sort of?"

"Why are you here, Dan?" she asked.

"Oh, but you do know my name," he said and looked at her with a distraught smile. Then he continued, "You asked me to come with you." He was just about to get started and now she was asking questions. It was a little annoying.

"No, I mean, what made me ask that? Something must've caused a little spark." She raised her hand to her face and removed her glasses.

He watched her lying there, nearly drowning among the pillows and bedsheets. She was so beautiful. Her skin was without a single tan line, her visible collarbones and the slight dimple between them. He had kissed her there yesterday and she had giggled and the salty taste of her sweat had spread inside his mouth like a sweet drink.

"Honestly, I don't know," he said eventually. He felt her naked body against his. Her hands moved down to his boxers. "I complimented you a lot, I think." He raised his short, kind of sad eyebrows and looked like he was thinking hard. "What's not to compliment? You're smart, you're funny, you're beautiful and you're sexy." He sucked his lip and squinted his eyes at her.

"Fuck off. I would never have fallen for that," she said and looked into his eyes. They were really dark brown and his eyelids a little puffy.

She had an amazing smile. The lines by her cheeks and a little dimple on her right side.

"Did you chip your tooth?" he asked.

The smile disappeared and she licked her lips. She sighed and slipped under his arm and out of bed. He watched her narrow frame, the sculpted shoulder blades and the tattoos on her left side. He felt her tits against the inside of his arm and resisted the urge to touch her and pull her back into the bed.

She stood up and he watched her round butt as she walked over to a chair and picked up a nearly see-through robe that she swept around herself.

"Where are you going?"

She looked at him over her shoulder. "I'm gonna take a shower. Wanna join?"

He stared at her fully visible, perfect ass through the thin robe as she walked out of sight. "My god, you're such a tease," he muttered and tossed the comforter away and followed her into the bathroom. She dropped the robe on the floor and stepped into the shower.

She made it clear that she would not make any more invitations but he had to step forward if he was interested.

He opened the glass door after he had taken his boxers off and immediately let his hands glide down her shoulders. The warm water hit his back and she moved closer to the wall. He put his hands on her hips and she turned around. The warm drizzles bounced off her face when she raised her chin with her eyes closed. He kissed her while his hands moved up her belly towards her tits and the hard nipples. Bending forward, he placed his mouth over one and licked it. He caressed her body, everywhere he could reach. Felt her flawless skin and searched for imperfections that were't there.

His tongue inside her mouth, her gentle movements. The light moans when his fingers found the slit between her thighs. He moved two fingers against her clit, slowly up and down, a little lower with each stroke until he felt how the friction nearly disappeared and his fingers moved inside her. He felt her vagina tighten around his fingers and his thumb rubbed her pink nub as gentle as he could.

He kissed her neck, made her turn around and moved the hair away from her nape. It was very obvious that she enjoyed what he was doing as she let him move her around how he pleased and didn't object. In his head a thousand thoughts danced around, things he wanted to ask her, to talk to her about, he wanted to know all about her at once. But right now he had to settle with getting to know her body. Which obviously wasn't a bad thing.

She suddenly gave him a soap. A hard soap. "Don't drop it," she said and closed her eyes as he started to lather her entire body, down to her feet and between her toes. All the time he was so hard he thought he would pass out due to blood loss to the brain soon. He was thorough when he reached her butt, making a big deal out of stroking her cheeks and between them.

His hands moved over her belly, felt the little pout below her belly button and let his hands glide up to her tits. His fingers slipped underneath the fold and he noticed that her breasts felt more full than they looked. He cupped his hands and squeezed them and felt the soft flesh fill his hands and his thumbs gently rubbed over her nipples. Fuck, he wanted her.

Gaga felt his hands move gently across her body and didn't want it to end, even if she soon was so turned on she thought she would mentally bring herself to an orgasm just by anticipation. He knew exactly how to treat every tense spot on her body. It was like a massage. He knew when to go hard and when to play softer. She noticed that she was breathing through her mouth and how relaxed she was.

"My turn," she said when she considered him finished. He made a strange grunt and inhaled while he mentally prepared for her hands wandering all over his body. She let her hands glide across his chest and kept eye contact. He held his breath. Couldn't stand here with a belly pout, could he. She noticed and waited for him to exhale out of spite, then she grabbed his shaft and her lathered hands continued down, under his ballsack and he started taking controlled breaths.

The water ran between his asscheeks and down the back of his legs. She was standing out of range of the water when he made her lean forward and put a hand on her shoulder. She thrusted her ass towards him and he slowly penetrated her from behind. He put his hands on her hips, held her and pulled her towards him. The sensational feeling multiplied with each stroke. He pumped her as hard as he dared to, afraid that he might slip if he lost focus.

Her magnificent ass bounced against his crotch. Each shove ending deeper inside her. He moved his hand up to her neck, felt her hair between his fingers and grabbed it. The harder her fucked her, the more sounds she made.

His cock felt like it was inside her guts towards the end, the rapid movements and his grip in her hair. She could hardly move and when she came, and he continued his thrusts it made her nearly lose control. With nowhere to go she tried to keep her legs stable when the orgasm showered through her vagina and up through her belly. It felt like a thousand contractions rippled through her spine, down to her ass and pussy. The warmth spread like wildfire almost all the way up through her throat.

Dan pulled out and she heard him breathe faster, the wet thuds when he pulled a few last strokes and let his cum spill over the glittering wet tattoos on her tanned hip. The warm water hit her back and erased all traces within seconds, but he still had the beautiful image on his mind when she put her hands against the glass door to push herself up and turned around. She stepped closer and while he tried to calm down he put his hand on her cheek and kissed her.

"That was… undeniable the best… shower I ever had," he panted.

Gaga smiled that alluring smile she had been giving him since yesterday. The one he couldn't put his finger on what it meant. He was still breathing too fast when she turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. She tossed a towel into his arms and wiped herself dry. It took some time, like it was a meditational procedure not to be taken lightly upon.

Dan couldn't take his eyes off her. He stood there and wiped his chest without really knowing what he was doing. “You’re so damn perfect,” he said and made her look at him again. He stroke her hair and cheek and kissed her wet lips. She became soft in his arms and enjoyed his gentle kisses before she made him let her go so she could finish what she was doing.

She put the robe back on and started to struggle with a pulling a brush through her tangled wet hair while she walked out into the bedroom again. Dan heard noises from outside. It sounded like a door opening and footsteps and then he heard voices so he walked out with the towel around his waist to see what was going on.

"Where the fuck have you been?" was the first thing Gaga said when Christian appeared in the doorway.

"Have you even looked at the time? It's nearly 12 and you've just woken up? We're leaving soon. I have been calling you for an hour."

Their argument took off right where they left it yesterday. She glanced down at her phone on the table.

"Fine," she said when she saw the additional rows of missed calls and texts. She thanked the heavens she had it muted. "You could've come over here yourself or asked someone else if you're so concerned," she muttered and pulled the belt tighter around her waist.

Dan stood by the wall inside the bedroom with his underwear in his hands and snuck his legs into them. He was trying to blend into the decorated walls so he didn't disturb the other two. He felt like he was inside some massive Versace brain orgasm, gold and heavy curtains and vases and ornaments everywhere. He put his shirt on and started buttoning it when he noticed that Christian's eyes swept past the wall where Dan was standing. It was like it took a few seconds for the man's brain to register what he saw and when he did he turned towards Gaga.

"What the actual fuck, Stef!" he said. Even louder than before. "What the fuck happened here last night?"

"Nothing happened," she picked up a pillow and found her thong. She tossed it in the pile of clothes she had worn yesterday and looked up at Christian. With raised eyebrows she truthfully added, "I passed out."

Christian looked like he didn't believe that for a second. He pretended Dan didn't exist. "Maybe. But the intention was…" he said but didn't finish the sentence. He was worried, angry and hurt. This was not how it was supposed to end. He didn't even get a chance to make it right. "Can we talk about this later, without an audience?"

"There is no later, Christian. We're done." She had her back turned and looked for something to wear.

He, in turn, also turned away from her, refusing to accept her words and muttered, "Just get ready." He looked at Dan and pressed his lips together. "You work on the show. It's Dan, right?"

Dan nodded from his corner. Christian stood in the middle of the floor and looked like he wished he could undo the last 2 weeks by snapping his fingers.

Christian left them and walked out the door, firmly closing it behind him.

"I'm sorry about that," Gaga said and had eventually put clothes on from the rack by the windows. She looked stressed, but not because they would leave without her - as if that would ever happen. She wore sweatpants and a large hoodie and Dan was amazed at the fact that she could wear anything and still look like a gazillion dollars.

"It's so typical of him to just walk out instead of trying to sort it out." She was aware she had been doing the same thing these last few days, but it was easier to blame him now that she had a solution right in front of her in the shape of a man.

Dan stroke his fingers across his head and tried to make some kind of decent look out of the still wet hair.

"I thought you were… I mean you said-"

"Never mind, I'm glad it happened." She put her hands up and chopped once into the air in front of her.

"It's just a few days. Why are you leaving?" Dan asked and sat down to put his socks on.

"I want to go home."

"Won't he be there?" He nodded towards the door where Christian had left.

Gaga laughed. "He doesn't live with me. I would never let a man inside my palace." She gave him a glance and he noted her dark lashes and her massive eyelids. Her eyes were huge and glittered green when she met his gaze. Her wet lips were dark pink and soft. He saw her tongue when she pressed it against the inside of her teeth and looked thoughtful. She reached for her glasses on the table and put them on.

"I just need a smoke and I'm ready to go," she picked up a pack of cigarettes and put her feet into a pair of Uggs. She walked towards the front door and put her head down as she lit the cigarette and pushed the door open. The car was waiting outside and she took a long greedy drag before she placed her ass in the front passenger seat. She turned her head towards Dan who pulled out a phone from his backpocket so that he wouldn't look like an idiot just standing there.

She put the cigarette between her lips and took the phone out of his hands. She opened the app for messages, made a new message and put her number in. Then she gave him his phone back and blew a kiss. "See ya later," she said and the driver closed the door right in front of the speechless man.  

Pt. 4: “I’m stuck in this bed you made.” | 

[freddie-mercurial]

If you could only pick one favorite Queen song for every album, what would they be and why?

this is SO hard, thanks for asking it but also fuck you because how.  does one choose?!?!  some albums have like five or six GREAT songs on, it’s insanely hard to pick but i shall try!!

queen - i think it has to be doing all right because freddie’s voice is just.  so high and pure and sweet and adorable, it makes me so soft every time i hear it.  i love keep yourself alive so much as well though, especially as both of these really remind me of watching bohemian rhapsody, specifically the first time, sat in the cinema just so enamoured already, it was such a great feeling, i’d pay so much money to be able to experience it again for the first time.

queen ii - shoutout to this album for the white/black theme and brian and freddie just being Like That all the time, they’re so extra and particular about matching everything.  black queen, white queen, and seven seas are all so good but if i had to pick a favourite it would be nevermore.  i used to listen to this song all the time, there’s such beautiful emotion in it, the way freddie sings is so sad and regretful it’s a gorgeous sound, and when it gets a bit harder on the ‘when you say you didn’t love me any more’ and then so soft again.

sheer heart attack - obvious choice but killer queen, it’s just such a great song to sing along to.  that said, in the lap of the gods, the way they sing it live where it’s a bit rockier is GREAT and if this version was on the album it would probably be that.

a night at the opera - i honestly cannot choose between 39 and sweet lady.  i love brian’s voice so much and him singing 39 is everything, and sweet lady goes so hard and it’s got such a great, angry sound to it.  loads of great songs on this album.

a day at the races - another impossible choice.  god.  tie your mother down, somebody to love, lover boy, and teo torriatte???  they’re all so different so picking one is HARD.  i think, with a gun to my head, i’d choose teo torriatte.  this song is utterly beautiful and brian does not get enough credit for how good of a songwriter he is.

news of the world - okay this one is also difficult because my favourite song from this album has changed.  i used to be really obsessed with spread your wings a few years ago, it’s one of those songs that just Speaks to me w that escapism, miserable in your job sort of way.  but it’s late is just too good.  does brian think he’s subtle?!  god i love him.  (special mention just to the album cover for this because DAMN and i’m also always so into the fact that frank is holding both brian and freddie in his hand, they’re just led in a pile together because ofc.)

jazz - this has to be fat bottomed girls it’s just an absolute jam and another one to sing along to, it’s impossible not to.  AaAAAaAAAArrreEEe you gonna take me home tonight?  god it’s so good.

the game - first of all, another great album cover, brian in this outfit and those glasses Does Things To Me.  some great tracks but save me without a second’s hesitation.  another beautiful song by brian that doesn’t get enough attention, the lyrics, the soft sound, the emotion - this song is a work of heartfelt genius.  i adore the way they play it live with brian on piano, i love SO MUCH that freddie is the band’s pianist but occasionally brian chooses to play parts for whatever reason so the song itself is freddie’s sole focus and the audience can focus on him.  i really think this song is about freddie as well.  fucking beautiful song.

flash gordon - does this count?  i don’t know many from here but flash gordon.  i LOVE the lyric ‘just a man, with a man’s courage’ i’d get that as a tattoo, it’s so simple and brilliant.  just a man with a man’s courage - and that’s enough.

hot space - i actually love this album, i don’t know why people shit on it.  it’s another hard choice, freddie’s sheer slut energy in staying power is incredible, las palabras is beautiful, under pressure is obviously a classic.  my faves come down to calling all girls and dancer.  i don’t know if i can choose.  i love the video for calling all girls so much but i love the story within dancer, which is another song i think is about freddie (though tbh as i’ve said before i think most of brian’s songs are).  i love that brian, for all his criticism of this era and how unhappy he clearly was, got involved and wrote this, and it’s really damn good. it’s a b-side but soul brother is obviously also great, i don’t think it’s the best sounding song but i love it anyway, bless freddie for writing this about brian.  ‘he will rock you’, ‘he’s somebody you can love’ ok fred ok.

the works - this is probably my favourite queen album, it’s the one i usually have in my car stereo, every track is great.  again there’s a song on here that used to mean a LOT to me, which is keep passing the open windows but i wouldn’t say that’s my fave any more.  tear it up, radio gaga, i want to break free, and hammer to fall are all SO good.  radio gaga was my fave queen song for YEARS, since i was a little kid.  GOD this one is hard.  but i think i’m going to say.......i want to break free.  it’s a classic, you have to sing along, the video slaps (i so wish the whole thing had been the drag bit).  such a great, instantly recognisable guitar solo from brian.  shoutout also to is this the world we created - another great brian/freddie thing.  just casually wrote this wonderful song together and decided to have another song with just the two of them on stage, roger and john must’ve been like, oh alright boys should we even bother to show up for the concerts or what?!

a kind of magic - who wants to live forever.  several great tracks on this album - princes of the universe is a favourite of mine and one vision and it’s a kind of magic are both great.  but who wants to live forever is in another fucking league.  again, brian writing incredible, poignant, masterful songs that are ridiculously beautiful.  this song is so emotional and powerful i actually skip it a LOT because it can be difficult to listen to.

the miracle - fuck this is hard too.  breakthru is GREAT and i watch the video for this every time i’m feeling down.  cannot choose between i want it all and scandal.  literally can’t choose.  both great brian songs, they both go so hard, i physically can’t choose between them.  freddie’s voice on both is just incredible, the anger in scandal is palpable and the video is fantastic.  and i want it all is so heavy and good, the opening with the guitar is just PEAK.  freddie and brian’s random duet in the middle??  i’m born again.  sorry for cheating but i refuse to choose.

innuendo - okay this album has the show must go on which is another one i can’t bear to listen to too often because it’s so much, it’s one of queen’s best songs.  the grief in this song and the defeated acceptance are heartbreaking.  i can’t live with you is a bloody brilliant song as well, it goes so hard, it’s so damn good but my favourite is of course headlong.  headlong is my FAVOURITE queen song i fucking love, i could listen to it on repeat all day.  it’s so fun and happy and boppy and still so rocky and hard.  i love the video so much, another one i watch whenever i’m feeling a bit shite.  AND YOU RUSH IN H E A D L O N G.  feels like it should be on top gun.  i really want a freddie/brian top gun au where brian is the put-upon instructor who knows Everything about these planes and freddie is the arrogant little so-and-so who flies them.

made in heaven - thinking about them making this album gets me every time.  i think the fave has to be too much love will kill you.  you can hear and feel the internal battle with this one, brian writes excellent lyrics, it’s SUCH a good song.  the bit where it gets all hard and rough and angry in the middle/end is SUCH GOOD SHIT.  i cannot think about brian listening to this in the studio, trying to mix it when freddie’s already gone but he’s still there singing this.  god.