#God I want my life to be anything else rn I am NOT thriving

[brainjuicezz]

HEY SCOOBY GANG IM HAVING A FUCKING CRISIS

[theninjazebra]

got at lot of aimless grrr going on today, and surprise surprise it's in response to all the discussions of homeschool/unschooling influencers. Cut because no one should see my ranting and raving unless they really want to -

(This really is just a vent post, I'm not spending hrs of my work day looking up a hundred sources just to complain about my feelings.)

gonna bullet point this because sentences are too hard rn

the home school defence league is an extremist org and shouldn't be used as a source for anything holy shit

yet again - socialization is the least of the fuckin worries

the health of the parents isn't an after thought. when you're homeschooled the parents are the whole world.

no, but actually. the number of homeschool parents that keep their kids home as a way to freely indulge their issues is umm... a lot.

some of that is relationship issues. some of that is a way to makes your kids your whole world (and vis versa) because a grown up life (including work) is too hard.

"but people shouldn't have to blah blah" yeah, but children should still be prepared for life in the hellscape. wanna bet what kind of sex ed happens in homeschool communities? wanna bet what they think of vaccines? wanna bet what they think of internet safety? they reeeeaaally like depriving kids of power and autonomy.

sitting at home with your young children, building a fantasy world to escape the real world with all your mad friends. guess what happens when the young sweet children turn into teenagers?

not a lot of education.

i still think home education should be an option for families, for many many reason. choice is good.

but my god is the community fuckin rank as shit

and so many discussions about home education don't talk to homeschooled adults. there are a few of us now, and a bunch have families of their own. there is a big diversity amongst us. some absolutely thrived and homeschool their kids now. aaaaand a bunch don't.

HOMESCHOOL MOVEMENT IS BUILT ON PARENTS RIGHTS CROWD. again, that doesn't mean they're wrong about everything, but the fundamental ideology is cooked af.

the don't believe in children's rights. they don't believe in human rights, either. they believe in power above all else. no, really. ignore their propaganda, look at their actions.

for a crowd that is so obsessed with their kids i cannot overstate how little they give a shit about their kids needs and thoughts and feelings, esp when they contradict the party line.

the social pressures within community to out-do each other means its always sliding to more extreme positions.

ok, but again, it's all about the parents.

from tiny things, like personal taste about stuff, to big things like access to doctors, or basic life skills.

It's not just what you miss out on, it's what's in it's place

and having such total control of your kids means the parents get challenged a lot less about everything too.

again, it's little shit, like what colour clothes the kids wear

and big shit, like the idea that women should vote

this isn't just my experiences either btw

so yeah, the unschooled kids are going to have literacy issues

they're also trapped at home with an unstable adult ALL DAY

i did go to a school for a bit. the school was small, religious, and had a fuck tons of problems and i found out later had an awful rep for bullying (no shit)

but it was still a break from a parent that was suicidaly depressed, that's not nothing.

and if your keeping your kids home because you're scared that's umm not good.

it's not good for the parents (homeschooling effectively, even with an unstructured approach, even with tutors, even with all the resources is hard fuckin work and requires a lot of organization)

it's not good for the kids (your world is run by fear.)

i can't separate my experiences out from other parts of my life, they're too fundamental

it's like wondering if parents hooked up with someone else

the me i am now just wouldn't exist.

everything is too tangled

but it definitely made preexisting issues so much worse

and cut out other voices, other perspectives

homeschooling made the world smaller in every way, squished us all together. no distance, no relief.

and yes, educational neglect is a significant harm, i've ranted about that before. it's easy to do, happens by accident most of the time. it fucks me up all the time, well into my 30s.

but my god it's secondary to being stuck in a house with an adult that is free to indulge their every fantasy -

again, from small shit that doesn't matter, except it does when you have no fuckin control or power over your own life

to big dark apocalyptic paranoid fantasies about the nature of society, government, the whole of the universe

so yeah, the unschooling influencers are delusional, but they're so much worse than that.

i feel awful every time i see content about this atm. it's been an absolute fucker of a time for a bunch of different reasons, so i'm not going to pretend that this is more than bin kicking. but my skin crawls every time i see this shit. and so much criticism that almost gets it, but misses the mark on the full picture.

ok i need a drink, a food, a panadol, and to get some work done.

[arcane-vagabond]

How are you doing, Love? x

I’m thriving, bestie 😎

Read: In all honesty, I’m feeling very overwhelmed by work rn and feeling kind of stagnant in life in general and kind of wanting to go off the deep end and just do something really spontaneous and crazy, but I can’t do that because it could be detrimental to my future and security in the long run. I also feel like my friends are pulling away from me sometimes, but that could also just be me needing a vacation at some point. I also wanna write, but because work has been so overwhelming I’ve often just felt too tired to do much of anything besides lay in bed and just stare at the ceiling because I feel like a failure both at work and on here sometimes. I wanna get all of these updates out for you guys because I love writing and I love that you guys love the stories but also I feel like you guys get pissed off with me sometimes because I’m NOT updating as much as I used to, and my people pleasing ass can’t stand the thought of disappointing people even though I’m trying to be better about that and know that, realistically, the people who are here don’t mind if updates take a while and I’m forever grateful for that, but then I want to show how grateful I am by giving y’all an update and then it becomes this never ending cycle of self acceptance and self deprecation. And I oftentimes feel like I’m screaming into a void and no one can hear me so I have to just keep trucking on because that’s life and most people feel this way, so why should I be any different? And then I’m always so tired and I feel like I can’t complain about shit because it’s going to piss someone off and then I’m going to get crazy fucking people in my inbox yelling at me for god only knows what and then claiming they aren’t trying to start fights with me even though, hooo boy, does it feel like they are. And then it feels like sometimes I should just delete this fucking blog because sometimes the negative anons do become overwhelming even though I have fairly thick skin and every time I give an honest thought or opinion on here, I’m sitting here waiting for someone to put words into my mouth. And I know that I can just turn anon off but then I miss out on the genuinely great interactions with the overwhelming number of positive ones, and so I truck on and try to ignore the bad eggs, but it makes me sad that there are people lurking about that just want to ruin the fandom experience for everyone else, but I’m also so thankful for my mutuals on here that have my back and I want to give everyone who has ever said anything nice to me a smooch on the forehead.

Anyway, I’m great! How about you?

[forthesakeofthesoul]

the summer i gained consciousness

life became a double-edged sword when it happened. i missed the innocence of the before, and abhorred the weight and proclivity of the after. the simplistic moment by moment mindset of childhood made life feel infinite, but then again, enlightenment made me think. it made me ponder things i'd never even given the chance to lend my mind to. summer gave me time. more of it or less is up to you, i suppose. nothing can compare to the infantile eon. the juvenile century of summer. but nothing can compare to the adolescent spiral either. the brain bending mind fucks you take yourself on. like, is time even real? maybe summer really was a century long. do we even exist rn?

time is unique to everyone so make the most of it. or the least. your choice. it's as short or as long as you want.

summer felt stifling this year. it keeps getting hotter and hotter. i guess that's climate change. global warming.

my mind's on fire. i think i felt it smoking. maybe it's because summer leaves the lights on at night -- the sun is still up by nine o'clock -- but i could never sleep very well. i know why. my thoughts were consumed. sometimes it felt like i was going crazy. i'm not convinced that i wasn't. but i think that's when you gotta start writing about it.

i learned to roll with the punches more. i was too caught up in my mind to care much about what was going on around me anyways. i found god in my thoughts and he wasn't a man. he wasn't anything. he was me. or at least a higher self. someone who understood me better than anyone else i know. and she knew i was kind and sensitive and all the things that i could not change. she knew about them and she accepted me. where else do you find that kind of love? it's all within yourself.

but i was far from the point of loving myself. i knew myself too well. i still do. i'm disillusioned with the girl i got to know. i've memorized my rough edges and sour spots off by heart. i know who i am! i know who i am. is there still more to discover? i want to be a mystery to even myself. because i know her too well.

but how strange is it that we always have a desire for more. and when we're given more we are still unsatisfied. there has to be more. that's all we know. all we know is that which we don't know. i think we thrive on that uncertainty. it sparks that creative passion, and without the unknown, that spark will die.

this summer i found myself pondering a world without the thinkers. at first it sounded scary, but then i realized there's already been one. we're living on it.

prehistoric earth, when the world was run on instinct. opinion had no purpose here. it hadn't even been invented yet. life existed on the basis of gut instinct alone. and there was balance! thoughts were mere urges, self-preservational desires. they were desires that kept creatures alive.

it makes me wonder about the beauty in living life unaware. a callback to that primordial sense of presentness we all experience as children. it made me wonder if we'll ever go back there. but you can never go back there. we can return to a state of balance but it won't be the same. we wouldn't be the same.

prehistoric earth is terrifyingly beautiful, and there's a mysticism in it that holds fast the attention of all those who roam the earth in the present... or perhaps in this context it's the future? we are living in a different time at any rate. we are all allured by the past, fixated on it, obsessively compulsively wishing to go back to it, to rewrite it, to reach in and save someone from it, like grabbing a drowning puppy.

we are slaves to the past, and we're indebted to the future. time is our greatest blessing, and also our heaviest curse. but can we ourseles decide to make it exclusive to one? can we give thanks to the blessing instead of fall victim to the curse? i think that's an individual journey thing. life -- time, is what you make of it. it's all in how you live it.

summer made me stop and smell the roses. it made me panic and realize how fast time flies. it burned me and kissed me and loved me and smoked me out. it made me find the heart of what truly matters. it made me grieve parts of myself i never knew i lost. it made me discover parts of my soul that had been hidden for two decades. it made me fall in love and cry and scream hatred off a cliff only to have compassion thrown back at me. it cleansed my feelings and left me alone to reflect. summer nurtured me and it stripped me of my pride. i have been humbled. i have been loved. i have been reborn. summer washed away the old me. it burned off all the dead skin.

sept. 9. 2024

[innerpeace444]

January’s Challenge: New Year, New Me!

Happy new year everyone! I think I am going to monthly challenges! This month is all about stepping into the new image you want to embody in 2024.

The challenge is everyday say a vaunt and affirm for 10 minutes. This month challenge focuses on manifestation abilities and self concept.

Vaunt

Ahhhhh my life is so perfect! My self concept is so amazing. My self concept have gotten so amazing recently I love it. I am a living Goddes and I am pursued by literally everyone, especially by those I adore.  I am irresistible, ethereal, magnetic and irreplaceable. I am always prioritzed and valued by everyone. I am so amazing; everyone wants to be associated with me. I am everyone’s favourite person and I am Always chosen first. Literally every aspect of my life is thriving rn and everything always works out in my favour, I mean I am a God after all lol. I am so supernaturally beautiful, I am the literal beauty standard. Everyone compliments me all the time! Every time I blink I get prettier and prettier. I am so powerful. I manifest instantly. Everything about me is so godly! I am so fking talented at everything I do. I am such a hardworking person. I earn tons of money every day. I have literally thousands in my bank account right now. I can have whoever and whateve I want because I am a Goddess here<3

Affirmations (chose a few)

- manifesting is so fucking easy

- everything always works out in my favour

- I am goddess

- I manifest faster than Sammy Ingram

-I never have to wait for anything. I manifest instantly

- I will not waiver no matter what I see or hear.

- I deserve all my desires

I would recommend doing 10 minute 2x times a day or break up it 5x minutes 4x days.

At night

Listen to this sub playlist:

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL-7e9iiKuEQp-ni400KOlfVB0LOpT8xCg&si=85-_B7QEIM_ugE6B

At the end of the month I will a check in. Telling you all the things I have manifested and how I am feeling.

I also didn’t create the vaunt someone else did. I am sure you can copy it in the search bar and find the lovely owner

[eurydicees]

Never apologize for your long thoughts and tangents!!! Those take time and I appreciate the detail you go into. I'm sorry for not being clearer in my ask, I think my sleep deprivation got to me lol; I was actually asking about your thoughts on their friend groups/skills in university bc even though they have so much more...time and space to make friends, I always wondered how many they would really make in college and esp people like Hikaru and Kyoya

all good, all good! i’m glad you enjoy because i have SO much fun writing them out, even if you and i are the only people who actually click “read more.” anyways. thoughts. i have so many. oh god. i know you said not to apologize but. this is so much. and i only covered the friend thing, i didn’t even talk about skills. i will def think on that though because i have opinions on everything. well here we go i guess: 

i think one of the things i experienced in college was just a huge influx of opportunity. like. i was living with people that i saw all the time and thus became friends with them, and then friends with their friends, and then people in my classes, and people in the extracurricular projects i did-- like. there were just so many new people, and i go to a relatively small school. 

all of that being said, my experiences are (a) only my own, and i don’t think that everyone does this, and (b) very, very, very american. like. the quintessential “die over college apps and then thrive in college” american experience. i’m sure that a lot of my experiences wouldn’t apply in japan (just based on what i know from other media i’ve consumed / people i’ve talked to), but some of them are pretty universal, i think. 

okay all of that out of the way. i think that haruhi is going to have a very similar experience to me in that she doesn’t have a huge world outside of the hosts while at ouran, but once she gets to university, she’ll really thrive and branch out and find Her People, you know? over the course of the manga, she progressively learns to take initiative in things, as well as keep herself from burning out over that, and i think that’s something she continues to work on throughout university. 

tamaki would also be able to branch out a bit, but at the end of the day, the hosts are his family. the hosts are the people he cares about. he definitely makes other friends, and definitely cares about them, but he loves the hosts. i think he has trouble prioritizing anything other than the other hosts, which makes it hard to make new friends, at first. 

once he figures out that you can like. have multiple friend groups, he’s great. he also, i think, has to really accept that the other hosts are at different universities and are going to be making new friends, too, and he’s not going to be their “king” anymore. they’re all going to have to find different paths, and he has a lot of trouble accepting that for the others, even more so than he has trouble with it for himself. 

kaoru does a similar thing to tamaki, i think, where he has trouble making friends only because he has trouble accepting that everyone else is also doing new things without him. especially hikaru. we see him-- in both the manga and in the anime-- have trouble with the idea that their little family is going to break up, almost to the same extent that tamaki fears it. i think that really holds him back for a while, but once he accepts that, though everyone is moving on, they all still love each other, he’ll be able to make new friends. 

and oh god once he starts making friends, kaoru goes for it. he branches out wildly in university. he’s spent his whole life just sharing everything with hikaru, and once he starts trying to find out who he is apart from hikaru, he tries everything. he dyes his hair. he dresses like an e-boy. he joins a band, and then quits immediately. he wears dresses. he learns to do make up better than anyone else he knows. he takes every class he can. 

he also burns out, i think, probably during his second year of trying everything new and figuring himself out. once he recovers from that lapse, where he kind of gives up on everything, he then settles down into being a person that he’s happy with. jesus christ ok there’s this really good demon-megane post that i have been trying to find for AGES that i simply cannot find, about how kaoru and hikaru are when they get to university and have to work on their codependent relationship. i think about this post every fucking day. it’s so good and it’s so relevant rn. i’m gonna go looking for it again later. 

okay and this is gonna be a hot take, but i don’t think that honey and mori figure out how to make friends at university either, at least not until everyone else has graduated ouran and is off to university. in the manga, it’s honestly like they didn’t even graduate-- they go back to ouran for a lot of lunches, and they see the other hosts all of the time. i don’t think that, if they’re doing that, then they’re going to be able to make many friends at university. 

but once everyone has graduated, i think that they’d be able to branch out better. as soon as they don’t have a significant fear of missing out on host club shenanigans and their old friends’ lives, they can kind of move on and find other people-- which is just. gonna be so good for them. mori, especially, would have a great time in college trying out new things without worrying about honey (mori has eldest daughter syndrome, change my mind). honey has always been popular and charismatic, and once he truly moves on from ouran emotionally, i think he’s going to have a great time making friends. 

and on the other end of the spectrum, i think kyoya would be. suffering. like. he’s friendly with people, but he doesn’t have friends. he’s so focused on studying himself to death that he doesn’t have time for emotionally valuable friendships, and i don’t think he really wants them either. like i said in that last post, i think he’s pretty satisfied with what he’s got, and he’s not going to want to branch out much. also i wrote an entire fic about this lmao. 

similarly, hikaru would have the worst time trying to make friends. i think that he has one of the most impressive character arcs throughout the manga, but he still has a long ways to go in terms of his social skills. and if we’re talking anime-only, hikaru has absolutely no idea how to like. be a good friend. he’s so used to just using people that it’s hard to not do that. and even then, he’s so wrapped up in the hosts that he doesn’t really know how to find other people.

side note, but i think he’d also have a lot of trouble at ouran after tamaki + kyoya graduate, because he really just doesn’t know how to find people outside of the hosts. during university, he probably has a lot of trouble figuring himself out-- what he wants to do with his life, with his career, with people. he doesn’t like. seek out clubs, and just takes random classes, and doesn’t reach out to anyone. i love him so much, but he’s definitely a mess in university. he figures it out, i think, but it does take him a hot sec. he needs a year to learn how to stop burning bridges via anger issues, and how to not rely on kaoru for the social skill aspect of a friendship, and what he actually wants to do with himself. GOD. i’m thinking about that post AGAIN. every time i think about the twins i think about that post it is KILLING me. 

but in conclusion, all of the hosts miss each other so terribly during university, and they have such a rough time trying to figure out new relationships. except for haruhi, who fuckin thrives in university, except for the fact that she’s studying all of the time and doesn’t know how to manage her time. but that’s just the #college life. anyways i am SO curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this bc it’s a very very interesting question! 

[aquarianlights]

I am in a serious financial bind. 😥 If anyone is in a position to listen & help or signal boost, pls keep reading...

This is from my apartment complex. I am in low-income housing. I called them & sent them proof I could pay on the 23rd. I told them I could (just barely) put 100 down now & they said that was too little.

They said they would file for eviction on the 16th, which adds $150 to my rent. They will cancel the court date and eviction on the 23rd when I pay.

But that doesn't cancel the $150 filing fee.

Idk where that $150 would come from. Idky they think it's fair that someone who cannot pay should be forced to pay even more??? That makes no sense. I can only just barely afford my rent every month as is.

These are from my energy company. I apparently owe them over $600. I genuinely do not know how this happened. We were on the phone for a very long time trying to figure it out & I was in tears for the latter portion of it because I swear I paid.

I usually keep record of my payments via taking a picture of my receipt since they are electronic, but my dog chewed up my phone (which I have pics of if need be for evidence) and broke it, so I had to get a replacement phone sent to me from the insurance company & nothing transferred from the old phone, so all my pics were wiped.

I found no record in my emails, either.

The meds I am taking to try to go into remission and the autoimmune disease itself both cause brain fog and issues with time warping, so it is possible maybe I skipped a month or something, but I highly doubt I would have skipped up to 600+ dollars worth of payments.

I have tons of electronic and hard copy calendars & they are all synced and constantly updated so that I know when payments are due. I also have text and email reminders sent to me, but I could find no reminders in my email for MONTHS now until they were telling me they were going to shut my power off if I didn't pay this. Idk why I was not sent reminders for months???

In the end, I agreed to set up a payment plan. Paying, like... 50-60ish on top of whatever my electric bill is every month for 12 months. It was the lowest they could go.

I can barely afford my electric bill as it is, so idk how I will be able to do this? They did give me a list of charities in my area so I will be using what little energy I have to call around & see if any of them would be willing to help me pay this. Idk how those work (they're mostly churches???), so I'm just gonna try & see what happens. 🤔

On top of all that, I *think* this is telling me my Medicaid has been cancelled but I'm not 100% sure?????

I'm going through treatment for a very serious, disabling problem that should last ~1 year and rn Medicaid is picking up what my Medicare doesn't cover and some of my doctors/specialists and treatments are medicaid only.

If I lose this, I'm basically done.

I know they'll do backpay if I get it back, but Idk if I *will* get it back. I'll be trying to get it back, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to pay out of pocket, idk??? Which I do not have.

I have lost almost ALL autonomy due to this autoimmune disease, which (in a very simplified form) is basically my immune cells "eating" my muscle tissue. I can barely get out of bed. Treatment should put me in remission & give me my life back. I am seeing a rheumatologist, neurologist, dermatologist, PCP, physical therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and going to a holistic pain treatment center that does a different kind of physical therapy to bring down pain levels (which I was put into that program by my rheum). All of these are in relation to & necessary for my disease. I am going through TONS of testing almost weekly now & trying out treatments like IVIG and chemo where I am in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4-6+ hrs of that day and the cost of those things without Medicaid picking up what Medicare doesn't cover is astronomical. I have to sign waivers every time I get my blood drawn (which is almost weekly now), do tests, and do treatments saying I will pay if Medicaid does not pick up the extra.

I already have crippling medical debt; I don't need more. I'm scared they won't let me do any more tests or treatments if they see I am just letting it all go to collections & am not paying.

This could mean the difference between having a life worth living (to me) where I am happy & thriving & autonomous or being bed-bound & living a life of just existing from day to day & miserable & in pain & suffering & unable to do anything for myself. This is literally life and death for me because I wouldn't be able to handle continuing to live in the latter scenario. I cannot handle living like I am now. Knowing my treatments are progressing is what keeps me going. Knowing I can go into remission is what keeps me going. Knowing my future is one completely different from now is what keeps me going. But if I cannot have that and am destined to live in this current state, it's just not worth it. I don't know a person alive who would want to live like this.

Finally, my anger noodle needs to get to the vet for MULTIPLE things. Nothing is, like... life threatening or super immediate like his cancer was last year, but they're things that need to be addressed in terms of preventative care & to make sure he isn't in pain.

He needs his trachea checked, possibly x-rays for that, maybe more...

He needs some medication updates, needs a physical, needs a full groom & nail clip under anesthesia (for those who are not familiar with Echo, he has extreme fear-based aggression & usually gets this done under anesthesia; since I worked with him so much, he had his first non-anesthesia nail clip at the beginning of quarantine, but he has gotten worse during quarantine & with my muscle eating disease, I can no longer restrain him & don't have the physical strength to run a brush through his thicker fur as his winter coat is in, so I can no longer groom certain areas of him at home, so his tummy & back legs are matted & I fear he may need to be shaved... which breaks my heart since you don't shave double coat dogs unless medically necessary.), he needs a full physical, & needs to be checked over for MCT's.

He may also need a fecal test or something else, as he has been having odd bowel movements. 😥 His tummy has been upset lately.

I have been crying myself to sleep every single night & often during the day because I cannot get him to the vet. No, it isn't urgent or life threatening. But he is reverse sneezing more than normal & I worry about tracheal collapse, which is a common small dog thing & even MORE common in pomeranians specifically. Every time he has a fit, I think "Oh god, this is it. This is the time I'm gonna have to rush him to the e-vet & get slammed with a huge bill & he is not gonna be okay..."

It breaks my heart to see his legs & belly matted. He is horrible about letting me groom him coz of his aggression so he only gets a full grooms at the vet, but I do short grooming sessions at home with him nightly. Takes about 2 hours just to do the majority of one side of him (not even all of it; just most) coz he needs breaks & lots of praise every few strokes or he will tear me to shreds & hurt himself snapping on the undercoat rake. 😥

But now that my autoimmune disease has atrophied my muscles to the point holding up my phone without something to prop it up feels like I am lifting weights & tires my arms out with a lactic acid burn & pain, I can no longer groom him with the patience he needs & can only groom in 20 minute intervals at the VERY longest. By the time I have gotten one leg done during the week, his entire other side is matted. 😞 Matting on dogs---especially double coat dogs---hurts them. It's like if someone were to wrap your hair around their fingers & then pull it taut. It's a constant pulling pressure on their skin... it's painful & irritates the epidermis. I feel miserable feeling the matting on his back legs & tummy & now feeling the mats beginning to form on the rest of him. He hates me working them out, even with the detangling spray. I know it must hurt so much...

So he may need to be shaved at this point & that will destroy me. I feel sick thinking about it. But anything to get him out of pain. Maybe it is what's best for him while I go through this year of treatment & get my muscles back. But in order to do that, I need to get him to the vet.

The stress of not being able to get him to a vet is tearing me apart & literally making me physically ill.

He is my world. My everything. My #1. My heart dog. My priority in life. My entire universe revolves around him. I would do anything for him. Not a single person, animal, thing, etc, comes before him. It is KILLING me that I cannot provide proper care for him right now. I always always always make sure to sacrifice for him if need be & his things ALWAYS come first, even if it means I'm not eating or not paying bills or whatever. As long as he is taken care of & his needs & wants are met, nothing else matters to me. And right now........ I feel he is suffering because of my finances & the fact my treatment with building my muscles up is not going fast enough.

I cannot control the latter one, but the first one is something I can at least ask for help for. So that is what I am doing.

If anyone is in a place to help, these are my venmo & cashapp codes. I also have paypal.

💙 Venmo: @kqroswell

💚 Cashapp: $kqroswell

💜 Paypal: @kqroswell or thekilliancode@yahoo.com

If there is another form of payment you're thinking of, lemme know. I also have fb pay activated if you have me on FB (Killian Q Roswell).

Thank you to everyone who read through this & anyone who can help or reblog this. 💖

Sincerely,

Your v scared, struggling transman who really wants his bills/rent paid & his dog to go to the vet,

Killian 💞

[husbandomail-archive]

Hi I’ve been on ur blog for like 20 mins and I just read a part of ur life story. I’m so sorry that u feel this way and that ur life has panned out the way it has. This may be v intrusive (I sorry if it is) but u still have loads of chances to change n live the way u want to. Or at least experiment and discover. I’m absolutely underestimating the process of undoing what has been so heavily n continually ingrained into u but I really believe the opportunity is there n will always be there. Pt1

I hope that u can someday push thru n find independent footing n a more concrete identity to urself. I recently spent a few years in anguish over myself n my life. While I am not completely up n running like a train, I know I am getting closer n closer n I don’t think it’s in vain to wish n think that u can get there too. I would like to add that graciously u have shared ur (what I assume to be a hobby? Maybe even a safe bubble?) writing which I have had the privilege to enjoy despite not pt2

Knowing more than half of the characters u write for. Your presence has touched and affected me. As will mine to u if u r reading this rn. You have given me joy in a space that no one or nothing will ever quite replicate. I do not wish to ask u of anything. Even a reply is not necessary. Even if u disappear from this blog. Even if we never speak again after this minute interaction. I want to value u. I wish u can see the value in urself. Here a hug because I’m a sucker for physical affection pt3

However I understand if I’ve overstepped tremendously. I am so so sorry if I did. I’m actually kinda embarrassed now but it’s soo late n my mind just said: do it. I hope u n ur loved ones r well. This is not eloquent at all I’m sorryyy. Truly so sorry if I’ve made this unpleasant in the slightest. May u n ur loved ones stay safe in these unprecedented times. Tho it’s absolutely ur own call, know I would be immensely happy to see u thrive beyond ur life thus far. Thank u for ur presence pt5 :)))

Hi would also like to add that ur writing is v insightful n has a lot of nuance! Well written yah! And also I hope u can just do more of whatever u want to do. N find enjoyment out of it! Sorry for being pushy with all these messages! No obligation to respond!! Pt6

ANON don’t apologize!! I posted that piece publicly, it’s not intrusive or invasive or pushy at all for you or anyone else to respond to it. I’m actually sorry that you stumbled on it so quickly after finding the blog adjshflk, but I appreciate you choosing to stick around + send this instead of just bailing ahaha. God I wish I could put together a response as nice as what you’ve said here.

Tbh I’ve been staring at this as you’ve sent each piece in and I’m just like. Floored, honestly? I may’ve said once or twice, but it’s only in the past few years that I’ve even been able to recognize that my family hasn’t been good to me, what’s happened in my life isn’t something that people should experience. So like, it always means a ton to me to hear things like this— it helps so much to know that other people agree, and that I didn’t just come to a twisted conclusion on my own.

And I’m beginning to learn that people can value me for me, not just for what I do. So honestly hearing that you like the blog so much despite not knowing every series makes me really happy adjshflk. The idea that someone can enjoy my presence so much is just world-shaking to me ngl lmao; I’ve always felt that if I wasn’t the one in my friends’ lives, someone else would’ve come along to fill the same role, so just like?? Being told that I’m appreciated as me is just. All I can do is keyboard smash gryfhdjisnkjvchfdewajs I’m so flustered omg

So like!! God like I said, wish I could say things as well as you said them, but honestly. Wow this actually means So Much to me and you have no idea how much I appreciate it, I’m gonna be rereading this forever adjshflk. Thank you for the well-wishes, thank you so much for reaching out, and I’m sending my best wishes for your healing too, if that’s okay!!

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Amelia

Jac: So, you got your room 🙌 What other wins did freshers bring you? 😄 Amelia: Yeah, thank god Amelia: it's been full on enough without adding travel sickness Jac: Never going to fly when class starts either Jac: it's just slightly more inventive than coming down with the 'flu' every Monday morning, but not enough Amelia: bit intense to start crashing on my new friends floors too, I don't want to be THAT gay Jac: 😂 Jac: I doubt they'd mind Jac: but having a base that isn't totally covered in crochet decor is a plus Amelia: now that freshers is over and they're going to 🤞 they never see those hook ups again maybe Amelia: still, not the first impression I'm trying to make Jac: Oh God, tell me about it Jac: I am not trying to have people I've got to avoid for the next 7 odd years Jac: not trying to make it like home like that Amelia: very relatable Amelia: even though I have no need to count that high Jac: Is your course 3? or 4? Amelia: depends if I want to go to Canada, Denmark, Italy, Poland, Sweden, USA or the UK for a year Jac: Oh wow Jac: 🦪 Amelia: that emoji is the gayest Amelia: so yeah probably Jac: Very O'Keefe of you Jac: can't give up the 🎨 quite yet? Amelia: 😂 Jac: I've met THE perfect girl for you, oh my GOD Amelia: because I'm going to travel to Edinburgh for 🦪 after dodging a 3 hour commute Jac: She's American, you could convince her Cork has a lot to offer beside 🦪 Jac: but actually, she is UNBEARABLE, and I'm trying very hard to be nice and give everyone a chance rn Jac: she does Art History, despite the fact she seems to know less about art than I do Jac: doesn't stop her 🔊 Amelia: 💔 you put your mean girl years behind you too soon, I'm SO proud though Amelia: and I'm sure Savannah appreciates it just as much Jac: 😏 I can feel the sincerity Jac: I know though, talk about completely crazy Amelia: if you want sincerity I can totally believe she'd follow you there as if nothing happened Amelia: are you okay? Jac: I think the prestige probably beat the off-chance I'd also be there but I appreciate the belief Jac: Yeah, actually, I am Jac: it went well, better than I could've or would've imagined before Amelia: alright, that's a relief Amelia: not that it's been playing on my mind or anything since the ✨ livened up my feed Jac: I would've got in touch sooner Jac: It did cross my mind, that you'd see Jac: I also didn't wanna encroach on your freshers' experience at all, that idea won out Jac: It must've been a shock for you and all Amelia: I get it, because likewise obviously Amelia: plus you seemed like you were coping, and it's not the same as before, you have people to go to now if you aren't so Amelia: I don't know, it seemed too dramatic to come at you all !!!!!! Amelia: which is why I didn't Jac: I wouldn't have bitten your head off Jac: but I see and appreciate that logic Jac: not to mention previous experience would say I actually would so Jac: She's changed a lot too, in those 2 years Amelia: good Jac: Yeah, turns out she had a pretty rough time of it too Jac: which, obviously, but I wasn't really in a space to think too much about that back then Amelia: was likely to be more 🥀 than 🌹 living with her dad, and everything that happened with her mum Amelia: I'm not surprised even if I couldn't be very sympathetic then Jac: I can't believe I was zoned out Jac: I didn't even know about her mum Amelia: you had loads of your own shit going on, it'd be more unbelievable if you were tuned into hers Amelia: I didn't know how bad it was, or didn't want to hear it, whichever Jac: Jess made it sound like the world and his wife knew Jac: I feel awful Jac: but her mum is doing better now, and they're trying to mend their relationship, so, that's positive Amelia: it always feels like that in my 🏠 but I would've told you if I'd realised Jac: It isn't your fault remotely Jac: like you said, sympathy about it wasn't at the forefront of your mind Jac: and you can't be blamed there Amelia: I'm genuinely glad things are getting better, the last thing she needs is to feel like shit for leaving her mum again if they aren't Jac: I know you are, you aren't a monster Jac: even if you and Savannah had your differences, and the obvious situation from there 'til now Amelia: that's enough sincerity though, the last thing I need is Savannah Moore trying to be my friend again Amelia: you can keep her Jac: 😂 Alright Jac: about that though Jac: things have changed, between us too Amelia: okay Amelia: what does that mean? Jac: Well, I told her, this time Jac: that I'm not straight Jac: and neither is she Amelia: she really has fucking changed Jac: She hasn't also come out, there's no label on it or anything Jac: but she likes me back Jac: you deserve to know, and would, regardless of where we were in our relationship Jac: I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear though Amelia: thanks, I guess Amelia: for not waiting for the 💍 announcement Jac: Things haven't moved quite that fast Jac: although, yeah Jac: I know Amelia: It's still Savannah, I doubt she's had a TOTAL personality transplant Amelia: you probably wouldn't like her if she had Amelia: so I'll keep an eye out for that post and put my congrats on it Jac: No, she's still her Jac: and I doubt her plans include a 💍 that could be bought on a student budget Amelia: true Amelia: I'll send some 💐 she'd NEVER put in the 🗑 Amelia: just the 💌 I'll actually bother to write, you know, like a normal person Jac: There goes the mystery Amelia: because of course you wouldn't recognise my handwriting Jac: I've checked your homework over enough times Jac: I doubt anyone else is rushing to send us a bouquet so Jac: process of elimination Amelia: there you go then Jac: but I have told my brother and that Jac: on the off-chance you catch him and he's dying not to bring it up Amelia: bit rude of him not to try and gently break the news Jac: Assumedly either thinking I've imagined the whole thing all over, or it'll all fizzle out before there's any need to go there Amelia: or I'm thriving so hard there's no need to bring me down 1 week in Jac: Obviously that too Jac: but you know that wasn't my intention, yeah Amelia: it's obvious you're not thinking about me, don't worry Jac: Okay Jac: do you want me to leave you now? Amelia: Why would I want that? Jac: Plenty of valid reasons Jac: to process, to not, you just don't feel like talking to me at this precise moment Amelia: what's to process? the bit about her not queerbaiting you the entire time is new, the rest isn't Jac: That's not nothing Jac: it changes the whole thing Amelia: not for me Jac: Alright then Amelia: you were hung up on her every second, what's changed for you is that was a least a bit mutual Amelia: I don't need to process any of that, it doesn't involve me Jac: It's still new information, that's all Amelia: not really Amelia: I probably should have guessed anyway Jac: If I didn't, I don't see how you could've Jac: she didn't even then so Amelia: too late to become a 🔮💎💫 gay, I hear you Jac: 🕵 is definitely a better idea Amelia: maybe I'd just really love to be able to say 'it's just a phase, mum' about something Jac: You've had plenty Amelia: name one Jac: [that boy band I said they liked lol] Jac: for starters Amelia: that wasn't a phase that was me lying that I cared Jac: yeah, okay Jac: you knew all the lyrics 'cos you cover was so deep Jac: no need to lie, they had some tunes Amelia: I knew all the lyrics because there was about 5 lines repeated over and over Jac: uh-huh Jac: you had badges all over your school bag Amelia: because you've never fully committed to a lie, oh wait Jac: There's no need to be a bitch Amelia: 😂 Jac: No, I'm not super ready to laugh about that time in my life, as it goes Amelia: okay Jac: I'm going to leave you to it now Jac: Good luck with your first proper day, hope it all goes well Amelia: actually wait though Amelia: I didn't mean that Amelia: I'm sorry Jac: Alright Jac: I know you're upset, or pissed off Jac: but being a better person doesn't extend to being a punching bag for you to get that out Jac: you can feel it, obviously, but that's just unproductive for you, and not gonna happen from my end Amelia: I know Jac: and I know that's what I did to you Jac: so it probably seems fair, or justified at least, that you get to now Jac: but it wasn't right, and an eye for an eye, you know Amelia: no, it's not fair, I wasn't being, that's why I'm sorry Jac: You don't need to stoop to my lowest Amelia: I'm trying, okay Jac: Yeah Jac: and I accept your apology Amelia: thanks Jac: should I not have told you? Amelia: I think that'd be worse Jac: I thought the same Jac: unless you were going to block me on the sly, then you would have seen Amelia: maybe I should now, I don't know Jac: If you want to Jac: to take some time Jac: or more permanently Jac: it's up to you Jac: obviously my offer of being friends still stands but I understand Jac: as I said, this changes things Amelia: yeah, if we let it Jac: You can't help how this makes you feel Amelia: but why should I let her take everything again? Jac: Savannah isn't actively doing that Jac: but if you want to keep trying, so do I Amelia: we worked hard at getting here, me and you, that's not about her Jac: True Jac: You don't have to be friends with her now, that's not it Jac: just accept that she's my girlfriend, and a big part of my life Amelia: does she know? Jac: About what happened between us? Jac: No Jac: she doesn't know a huge amount about those two years, for me Jac: I plan to tell her everything Jac: but it's a lot to throw at her in a sitting, especially unasked, you know Amelia: it'd really fuck with her freshers, for sure Jac: Right Jac: all for having the hard but necessary conversations Jac: but there's a time and a place Jac: I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to make her feel bad for me, either Jac: like 'look what YOU did' because nah Amelia: too 🥀🥀🥀 Amelia: it can wait, neither of you are going anywhere Jac: That's my logic Amelia: she'll get why you waited Jac: I hope so Amelia: come on, it'll be harder for you to say than it'll be for her to hear, she's a LOT of things, but she won't want you to go through that before you're ready to Jac: You're right Jac: it just feels like secrets, and that feels like 10 steps back Jac: but it isn't that Amelia: I'm sure even she hasn't had time to tell you everything, she'd need to be chatting non stop Jac: True Jac: if you're ever done talking about yourself and your life, that's gotta be a sign you need to get out more, right Jac: there's always more to say Amelia: right Amelia: stop being so virgo-ish about it and give yourself a break Jac: 😂 okay Jac: I just need lectures to actually start Jac: so I can freak out on that instead Amelia: same Jac: are you more 😁 or 😱 Amelia: 😕 Amelia: over 😣 Jac: You'll be fine Jac: let me know how it goes though Jac: I'm interested Amelia: okay 🤓 Jac: Well there's a lot of overlap Jac: obviously, you can usually do them as a double discipline but I wanted to go pure Psych Jac: doesn't mean I'm not 🤔 Amelia: yeah Jac: 🤏🤓 fine Amelia: we're not strangers Jac: I remember Jac: so, what are your new mates like then? Amelia: great, obviously Jac: It's a good thing you aren't taking English Jac: that description leaves a lot to be desired Amelia: what do you want me to say? Jac: Isn't there anyone in particular? Amelia: there's a whole course full of people Jac: Yeah, I like one of my profs, he's really cool Jac: but I don't know anyone on my course that well yet either, they all seem nice enough though Amelia: of course you do Jac: it's so refreshing in comparison to the teachers at our school Jac: even if he acted like a base level human, it'd be a step up Jac: but he knows his stuff, and he's down to help me get ahead, what more could I want Amelia: literally nothing Jac: But I'm still not into dudes so I won't commit that cliche, don't worry Amelia: a real weight off my mind Jac: sure Amelia: 😏 Jac: I've already done loads of prep Jac: can basically chill in his class this whole term Amelia: you can but you won't Amelia: 🤓🏆⭐ Jac: we're not strangers Amelia: maybe we are 🤏 because reading's the only prep we were given but I've already done it Jac: Not really Jac: you just pretended you weren't 🤓 Amelia: no, I just actually wasn't 🤓 about school Jac: plenty of other things Jac: you can't hide the 🤓 Amelia: it's not 😳 I literally can Jac: not from me Amelia: that'd be 10 steps back Jac: try 10000 Amelia: no thank you, that sounds exhausting Jac: you've got a 🛏 Amelia: yeah, I don't know who's more thrilled, me or my dad Amelia: getting to pretend he's allergic to pets for another year at least Jac: result Jac: won't have to fake seduce him on your behalf either Jac: I'm most thrilled Amelia: Savannah is Amelia: undoubtedly Jac: Yeah, that ain't something I ever want to explain 😂 Amelia: she'd be less understanding about it Jac: None of us are understanding that Jac: sorry to your father Amelia: 😂 Jac: I think your mum would snap Jac: go full psycho Amelia: probably Amelia: they're very 😍🥰😘 right now Jac: that's nice Jac: bit gross but good Jac: she won't call you every 10 minutes Amelia: she can try but I won't answer Amelia: the friend I like best will be here soon Jac: Sounds promising Jac: I'll leave you to it for now, for real Jac: you better get ready Amelia: you're so Amelia: you Jac: what does that mean? Amelia: I don't need 👗👠💄 Jac: what's that, a humblebrag? Amelia: hardly Amelia: it's a compliment for you, you're cute for caring Jac: It's not cute, I just like to look nice Amelia: oh so you don't think I look nice? Amelia: rude Jac: everyone looks better for effort Jac: that's simple facts Amelia: anyway, I meant it's cute you care about my social life this much Jac: because I really need you being a loner to worry about Jac: no tah Jac: obviously I'm happy for you Amelia: you don't need to worry about me whatever happens Jac: It's not optional Amelia: okay Jac: I never stopped Amelia: you can stop now Jac: That's just what being friends is Amelia: I'm no expert Amelia: have to take your word for it, if anything Jac: I know you care about me too Amelia: but you're thriving so I don't have to worry Jac: I guess Jac: it's not just for the bad times though, is it Amelia: I hope not Jac: it's not Jac: come on Jac: pull yourself together and at least do 1 out of 3 👗👠💄 Amelia: fine, I'll put shoes on Jac: that's what I like to hear Amelia: 🙄 just because I'm ignoring my mum there's no need for you to take over from her Jac: I still can't do any handicrafts so unlikely Amelia: Savannah is unlikely to wear a homemade 🧣 so I think you're fine Jac: she loves anything thoughtful but I ain't gonna start there still Amelia: 💐 Jac: Naturally Jac: both our rooms look like a florist already Jac: makes up for the shabby walls and carpet you can't do much about Amelia: any time you'd like to fully lean into the 👵 I'll do you an embroidery hoop or something Amelia: very chic Jac: they do sell a lot of that sort of thing in the charity shops Jac: I'm sure your 🎨 will be better than whatever the actual 👵 decided to do 🖼 Amelia: SUCH a compliment, I have no idea how I'm not 😳 Jac: Charity shops are in Jac: I'm not going to call it thrifting, I'm not even half-American, wouldn't be able to take myself seriously Amelia: good, please don't Jac: vintage, upcycling, all acceptable Amelia: for my mother Amelia: I'll take how 'modern' my room here is Jac: I suppose that does make a change Jac: I love the buildings though, the architecture Amelia: 🎨 Amelia: yeah, would be inspiring if I had any time Jac: Is Cork by the coast? Jac: I know nothing about that area Jac: I'm like NEXT to the beach, it's incredible Amelia: it's one of the largest natural harbours in the world, if that doesn't make you want to come and visit me, well ?? Amelia: it has it's own lovely architecture Jac: You should work for the tourism board, honestly Jac: good speech, that Amelia: 🤷🏻 Amelia: I'm here for the 🤓 and you're already interested in that Jac: I'd go to Italy, if I were you Jac: but then, Denmark might have the most interesting criminal practices and laws, so that's a good choice too Amelia: you'll visit me there then, yeah? Jac: I forgot about Sweden, but those three are the real ones to consider Jac: and we can sort visiting when we're even a bit settled Amelia: okay Jac: we've only just left Amelia: thanks for that obvious reminder Jac: 😏 Jac: you know what I mean Jac: give me a chance to get my diary in order before you're saying I'm avoiding you or whatever Amelia: give you a chance to miss me, you mean Amelia: you've got one right now, because I have to go get ready Jac: Oh, if we had to wait for that, you'd never see me again 😉 Jac: have fun 👠👠 Amelia: 💔 Amelia: bye

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTER LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 9

oh goody!

well this is it. the Date Chapter. the chapter, in which, the Date happens. lowkey im so fucking hype for this stupid goddamn chapter AAAAAAAAAAAA this is when the sexy got kicked up about seven notches and i know its gonna be a fucking twenty from here on out so LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

“Is this your date, Ms. Fall?” he asked.

Cinder didn’t look away from Glynda. “Mhm.”

STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GODDAMN GATE WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A SECOND TO EVEN GATHER OURSELVES JUST STRAIGHT UP HUH!!!!!!!!! ‘is this your date’ im legally dead

What the fuck.

already im fucking THRIVING im so glad this chapter’s mood got encapsulated within the first ten seconds and im definitely gonna have to re-read this chapter for the full unannotated experience OOOOOOOOOH MY GOD IM SO READY

Glynda’s thoughts ricocheted inside her head like coins left in a dryer. A part of her couldn’t understand what was happening and disengaged. The rest of her, grasping for purchase in all this, reasoned that going with Cinder was better than staying here confused, alone, and utterly displaced.

glynda ‘i aint ever had a gf before’ goodwitch at her PEAK right here. like GOD shes gone from ‘cinder’s trying to murder me’ to ‘cinder just plopped me right into a date’ like CINDER. CINDER YR CHANGING GEARS SO FAST. YOU DIDNT EVEN SEND FLOWERS OR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is it because shes a u-haul lesbian or

Higher, Glynda realized the dress itself was backless, revealing the black tattoo she’d seen so often before, perfectly centered between sharp shoulder blades.

this gay energy is BONKERS, quite frankly??????? where did cinder get her dress from? why does she have it? did she buy it just for this fuckery? or will she pull the ‘i just had a this lil number laying around’ line????????? does she wanna seduce glynda to death?????? was this PLANNED OR DID SHE JUST DECIDE SHE WANTED A DATE AND WTH LIFE REALLY IS SHORT ON REMNANT THESE DAYS?????????? cinder fall please explain your workings to the class

maybe Glynda wasn’t the only one who’d become adept at reading her opponent.

👏 when 👏 will 👏 they 👏 kiss 👏 already 👏👏👏👏

me: this is a slowburn also me: if u assholes dont give me this in the next ten seconds-

“Unarmed? As if you could be so helpless.”

cinder’s style of flirting is just. commentating on a person’s deadliness. that’s IT it’s the only TRICK SHE HAS and its working, is the thing,

im reading the description of the table and remembering the shitpost and oh my god i have to draw this???? hell IS real!!!!!! COULDNT YALL JUST TOSS EM IN A PLAIN BOX,

Cinder eyed her from her bastion of dark cushions,

cinder, ass-deep in cushions: this is peak cuddle territory come and join me

Cinder, for her part, seemed delighted Glynda had noticed. Touching the pendant more gently than Glynda might have ever thought her capable of, Cinder said,  “Yours? You didn’t seem to mind parting with it.”

im still deeply enjoying this powermove the novelty NEVER wears off (and at risk of light spoilers i do enjoy its place in this story 👀)

Cinder let the necklace drop, settling against the swell of her bust once more,

/lightly coughs 👀👀👀

im losing my MIND at how gay this bit is i physically cannot HANDLE IT and if they even describe the meal once im gonna pop off cause i am. SO HUNGRY RN. AAAAAAAAAAAA

Cinder indicated a dish of lamb and vegetables, served on a bed of rice and drizzled in some sort of sauce.

SRY THIS ISNT GAY BUT OH MY GOD IM SO HUNGRY I WANNA E A T I T THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD UGHGHGHGHGHGH WHY DID THIS CHAPTER HAVE TO BE TODAY OF ALL THE DAYS,

Glynda cleared her throat, working out: “The Grimm.”

like. GOD WE KNOW GLYNDA IS JUST SO FUNCTIONALLY BAD AT CONVERSATION BUT OF ALL THE THINGS glynda please just. just. stop thinking abt her sexy tattoos for a fifth of a second,

“You can control them.” A sedate blink. For all the world, Glynda might have just commented on the weather.

which is a faux pas for a date!!!!!!!!!!! at least tell her the DRESS IS SEXY WE ALL KNO WHATS WHAT YR THINKIN ABT

Glancing down as though it were being pointed out to her for the first time, Cinder shrugged and adjusted the end of the glove a little higher on her bicep. “And?” 

a quick aside im enjoying how like... visually expressive cinder is in this remaster! i can see her facial expressions and her motions really clearly in my mind’s eye which is a fun little boon if only because i have to redraw this nonsense hjsgdfjhfksgd but cinder’s got a Good Face this time around! A QUALITY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should know by now, there’s something about you that’s simply irresistible to Grimm.”

HERE COMES THE PLOT (and a single surviving line so far... this one sentence has survived all the world could throw at it... we stan)

Cinder straightened, and Glynda saw that this was what she’d been waiting for.

“It isn’t every day the great Glynda Goodwitch kneels before her adversary, is it?”

HELLO??????????????????????????? WHATS THIS WORDING????????? honestly tho for a second i thought she meant like. quite literally and i thought id missed some PROPER SHIT RIGHT THERE BUT YEAH WTH!!!!!!! C I N D E R

“You cheated. You can’t beat me on your own.”

yes glynda we gathered that yr a top

“Really, Glynda? Poison?” she sneered, something like offense simmering in her expression. “After all this?”

looks at the camera

anyway,

god im literally losing grasp of words to say because theres such a charged mood in this scene............. theyre brushing fingers............ trading jabs.......... im slurpin it up babey!!!!!!!! this rly is the BEST remaster of this whole scene it DESERVES this wordcount!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Beat you,” Cinder corrected. “And call it a point of pride.”

yes cinder we gathered yr a brat,

this dynamic is why this fic is so fuckign good when will winter have a swift return to add even more fuckery to this wild ride

Then, with a heavy-lidded look, Cinder found Glynda’s hand between them, the touch so sudden and daring that Glynda flinched. The fabric of those gloves was smooth against Glynda’s flesh, and for all that cruelty had marked every other instance of contact between them, Cinder was surprisingly gentle.

whomp there go my nuts

WHAT IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO MADE THE EXECUTIVE CHOICE TO ADD THIS LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO???????????? im losing my BRAINCELLS

What she wasn’t ready for was for Cinder to guide her hand to her own throat and hold it there.

THERE IS IT THERE’S THE KINK IT’S BEEN SPOTTED

oh my GOD what even IS THIS WHO ADDED THIS SECTION WHO ALLOWED THIS TO COME TO P A S S WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS RN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO????????? HEWWO??????????

Now… Now Cinder interested her.

tbh how can i liveblog this? what commentary can i POSSIBLY add that we arent already all THINKING. we just launched into a level of hell so deep that lucifers gonna have to pull some goddamn tricks to follow us down here!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS SCENE! THIS MOMENT! IM SCREAMING

Glynda mirrored the expression back at him, and finally, he coughed, not making strong eye contact with either of them. He set their plate before them and hurried out without so much as a check-in.

i just KNEW that was gonna happen JHGDSFGJHKSDF he was gonna walk in on SMTHNG but i didnt think itd be CINDER’S CHOKING KINK,

okay i took a break and ate my weight in roast chicken and we’re back babey

Almost nervously, her fingers carded through her own dark hair, and there, among the locks, Glynda spotted a glimpse of something white, structured and ridged.

AND I AM INSTANTLY KNOCKED BACK UPON MY ASS 👈W👈H😨A👈T👈

It was easier to ignore the rest of it—whatever it was.

glynda you are a fool and a moron im withering into DUST

On no level had she expected those to be Glynda’s words.

then what... did she expect... well probably -- and rightly so -- ‘bitch WHAT ARE THOSE’ TBH

wait sorry i have to jump back because i forgot customary fingerguns on the most brazen bit of Shit yet:

Cinder was occupying herself with something else: the head of a dragon, perched over the door and staring down at the two of them with red, glossy eyes.

👈👈👈😎👈👈👈

okay BACK TO THE FIC

Fangs snapped together around the word.

aka back to me horni

/chanting TEETH! TEETH! TE

okay but the reason i doubled back to catch that fingergun is because we’re getting ass-deep into plot now!!!!!!!!!!! WITCHES AND DRAGONS BABEY......... HERE’S WHAT OFFAL HUNT IS ALL ABT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant rly drop more fingerguns than that because any astute reader will start realising the dots im shouting abt and honestly half the fun of this fic is the ride so >:3c

“Funny. I was sure he would have told you.”

that blow was so low i think cinder hit the concrete with that one

oh god theyre gonna get to the bit and i-

“Is that what all of this has been about? You called me here to remind me that I'm autistic?”

/SCREAMS

The words were delivered firmly, calmly, but Cinder’s response was the opposite, sudden upheaval seizing her. Her expression opened in something akin to panic. “Wh—no? What? No! That's not what I—”

/SCREAMS

oh my GOD CINDER YOU HAVE FUCKED UP LEGENDARILY!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD SHE WAS FELL ASS-FIRST ONTO A LANDMINE OH MY GOD

offal hunt v1 cinder: im totally in control and im playing glynda every step of the way

offal hunt v2 cinder: OH JESUS OH FUCK OH NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT-

Cinder seemed genuinely stressed now, speaking quicker as though trying to bury the last sixty seconds.

i knew this remaster would have sections that would blow me away but this bit really took the fcuking cake DGHSJFSJHFDG holy SHIT this is AMAZING

It was difficult to tell in the low light, but if Glynda wasn't mistaken, there was a bright flush of embarrassment coloring Cinder’s cheeks.

this is SUCH prime content hey remember in one of the early liveblogs that cinder would descend into full dork? WELL THE DESCENT CAME EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /pops bottles

“Cinder.” There was a very real line of threat in Glynda’s tone. “Don’t.”

oh this whole scene just keeps getting better i am LOVING this dynamic now!!!!!!! before it was all pretty one-sided so having the conversation rock back and forth is 👌👌👌

That Witch soul of yours—it was designed to void out everything but the prey before you. To be numb to all human emotion. To focus on the hunt and nothing else.

finally the fruit of 50% of my fingerguns COMES TO LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! PLOT PLOT PLOT

“This is bullshit.” Jabbing an accusing finger at Cinder, Glynda said, “You’re a liar. You’re a criminal!”

i LOVE glyndas pottymouth in this its such a good like... change from her being strict and formal and teachery and now shes full on gremlin huntress hell YES BABY!!!!!!!!!! GO OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“There’s all kinds of things I bet he never told you.” Cinder continued. “Did you know he was close to your predecessor? The Witch who came before you—they were inseparable.”

SRY IM LIKE STRUGGLIN TO COMMENTATE because so much of this like. speaking as an Old-Ass Reader this is like. a LOT! A LOT HAS CHANGED and yet,,,, stayed the same,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, yall kids WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL CHAPTER LIKE................ 15 FOR THIS SHIT (but like. chapter 15 was different because this chapter used to be like chapter 7? so now everythings moved along so chapter 15 doesnt sound that impressive but trust me it was a different fic back then)

When they fell away, burnt and ruined, she could see Cinder’s bare arms for the first time. The red lines drawn across her skin sloped down the entire length of her arms, circling her elbows, carved into her wrists. They ended right at her hands, ensuring any long-sleeved garment would hide them. Every covered inch of her was filled like a canvas, like abstract art.

lets pause the fight scene for glynda to be gay!!!!! god im. okay look i said this earlier but im so glad we have more cinder like this tbh. the first version was rly lacking w/ cinder content until late-game when the plot sorta. got itself going? but now we’re eye-deep in this content i LOVE cinder i love this WEIRDO who is a HUGE LOSER and IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Glynda could not dispel the fear that she had been telling the truth.

and after committing Some Amount In Damages, we’re at the end of the chapter!

okay so i really enjoyed this version SO MUCH MORE. everything abt it was polished and worked together so much better and it really needed the space to breathe in its own chapter. its been horny, gay, intense, hilarious, and way more in one chapter and its SO good this really is PEAK offal hunt!!!!!!!!!!!! good job diesel and kc but im still going to murder you both,

[unproduciblesmackdown]

posts about things with absolutely no introduction but it's because i was reminded of the topic the other day

this one's for those of us in the lifelong isolation no friends society, i know sometimes there's other people out there!! anyways i've been thinking about how like, personally, obviously, b/c idk how other ppl do it b/c we aren't friends with each other lol, its just a fuckin wild thing to deal with in part cuz its one of those answers to which there's not necessarily any Right Way to handle things or Answer or Solution or anything. isolation p much = more isolation and plus not having friends makes ppl less likely to socialize with you so that's rough; anyways yknow, the point is just oops you can't Choose to like, obtain a friend. u can try to get ppl interested but you can't control it beyond that, so, yknow

anyways what am i getting to? yeah so i've never had close friends in that i was never able to share personally honest things anyways for the longest time for a couple reasons, and also, people just didn't like me. the double whammy of "oh no its abuse" and "oh no you're lowkey socially ostracized by your peers from preschool on without end" is like, good luck to little me getting friends! i had sort-of friends in like a couple ppl who'd hang out with me regularly and on occasion we'd go to each others houses or smthing but it wasnt able to be like, the normal fun event it should. oh well. middle school was a little better and a little worse but i didnt keep up w ppl cuz i went to a different school later and its that situation where you're friends-ish Because you're at the same school right...smh...didnt thrive in college magically, but one essential thing was i was away from home more often than not so, that was real important ultimately. but anyways in the end i had like a handful of college friends-ish (accepted by other friends groups lol) and theres a couple of them i still talk to now and again

so like, yknow, friends, mostly friendly acquaintances, my siblings i'd classify as friendly acquaintances, i'm very glad about all of them really. just unfortunately i've only just started to have friendships that are like a decade old and the "longtime close" friendship is nonexistent b/c college is just four years and then you go other places, and i'm not at the heart of friend groups and not "good" at communication in other ways so its hard to keep in touch in ways. smh!!

funnily enough i'm also not good at internet stuff though it's been absolutely essential, god knows. that's why i'm able to talk to anyone rn!! but i can't do group chats and i only like approaching things "one on one" aka i don't like feeling like im in the midst of a group even outside group chats. if you get what i'm saying. like even back being in the small early mh fandom of like, three dozen ppl, in retrospect i didnt like having to be in the entire Group yknow. lemme just be over here. which is what i do now.

anyways for additional reasonsl, communicating has been trickier these past few years and for the most part its been kind of a situation where i wasn't necessarily going to get to talk to someone every day, though usually it'd maybe only be like, a gap of a day or two. and anyways, the thing is that, over the past ten years especially its started to be Distressing like wanting friends, not as much having them, and also having it be more obvious that there was some kind of deficiency keeping me from having (and having had) friends like other people did. not fun! but what i'm getting around to here, whats been wild, is just this like, decade-ish (or two decade-ish if you want) Personal Effort to just figure out how the fuck to stop having to feel like shit about it all the time right? then you're lonely AND stressed and probably self loathing also

so like yeah, the thing is that the other day something was going on about like, yknow, the idea of the longtime close friend with a steadfast presence in your life, and that's just always like, lfjdglmao what!!! sounds nice. i had a friend for a week in second grade and im not sure we ever spoke and then the teacher made us sit on opposite sides of the classroom and it was too embarrassing to be friends anymore. that's kinda close but lol for real......it's not only the lack of friends to tackle but also like, i don't assume to have friends in the future. it's something that like, i would obviously theoretically want, and be happy if it happened, but i can't say i hope for it, because that implies too much being expectant or whatever. and it's weird!! its a weird time just kind of presuming friendlessness until otherwise occurs. and it's not great, i'm definitely still unhappy about all this shit. its just that i've also like, been able to shave off how distressing the issue mightve been in earlier years yknow

like it sounds all depressing to say like, i've just had to be less emotionally invested in the whole thing, but it's kind of true. not by ignoring it or ignoring the feelings so much as like...just acknowledging that this is how it is and there's only so much i can do but not hating myself about it is a start. and yeah it's like "oh, feeling less, depressing" but also frankly when i decided also that its less horrible to be friendless than to feel stuck w crap ppl / ppl who you aren't too important to / etc, i figured that i'd also rather be friendless and just enjoy being myself than try to make myself easier to talk to. i'm not like intimidating or anything, i just can't hold a conversation. but i'm not very interested anymore in trying to convince ppl to like me, yknow, i'm out here, and if i'm ever going to have friends i'd like them to be people to like me For Who I Am, wipe tear. what i'm just saying is "a weird dumbass" b/c its just vague social weirdness that ppl don't necessarily like, loathe, but probably they'd rather talk to someone else. i'm not great at socializing stuff, like i said, hence social rejection since age 4

oh and i meant to say!! i've been able to turn up my emotions by turning down my investment in the idea of Needing To Always Be Trying To Make Friends b/c, as anyone might know, all i like to do is talk at great length about whatever weird, niche shit i'm into at any given point. and that's pretty much it. i'm not pretending to be deep by not really knowing how to do small talk. lmao you guys know what i'm talking about. and obviously not everybody is into Getting Enthusiastic or super focused on whatever weird thing at any point, and i'm not Into getting my passion all fired up and being brushed off or anything, so we can all avoid each other, and i get to continue entertaining myself

so that's a way i've been able to turn my feelings up actually lol.....dunno how to segue into it so i won't but it's also just like, not saying that i Truly Don't Care about not having friends, or that it doesn't hurt that i've had this relative friendless past and the futures looking bleak, b/c it does!! it's still distressing. but like, its turned down. the whole general issue can be a very Bitter one for sure!!!! and it has been in the past sometimes and like.....it's still there basically, i've just been able to turn down the volume a lot on a bunch of these shit feelings like "that's upsetting" or "i'm bitter about that" and just kind of calmly let it simmer back down b/c i'm sort more familiarish with what sets it off and more familiar with Dealing With It Always overall

no idea if i've made the point i was setting out for there. dealing with the No Friends Isolation Life society life is not fun but we're out here, sometimes. it continues to be not fun. "oh well," is an often relevant sentiment. c'est la vie. c'est ce que c'est? i think. and i think it's nice that after years and years of just like, struggling to figure this shit out myself, and probably feeling like shit most of the time, i've at least managed to go "shh" at some Bad Feelings. definitely still there. but this time it doesn't heap extra shittiness on top b/c of having to deal with the intensity of it and feel bad about that too etc etc. it's all weird! getting more familiar with dealing with some shit which is just, the way that it is in part because of bad luck and of course i'm jealous of everybody who does have friends. but oh well. b/c c'est la vie. im also glad for everybody who has friends, obv. it's all complicated!! which is just part of why this post exists. it has no real point, i'm just kinda going like, weird, huh? and kind of good, and kind of a bummer. oh well

also im aware this is a suddenly long, technically depressing post at like circa midnight for a lot of people, but basically this is just me in normal mood. sometimes it's depressing posts time out of nowhere, but i'm not especially depressed!! nighttime is just more of my Peak Hours. night owl 4 life. thanks

oh and ps. another thing i would think about (with more distress in the past, and like, no distress now) is that its also funny cuz, one thing i’ve generally had to do is be aware that it’s a bigger deal for you (me) to get a new Friend than it is for them to be getting you as a friend, b/c math says so. and so i’ve had to push myself to not be overly hopeful or invested in order to be both fair to them and myself. and nowadays that’s just kind of how i view the no-friends-ness of it all, like. i’m not mad that i’m not for some reason way closer to anybody i know. why would i be. and i don’t expect anybody to think like “oh my god we have to be Good Friends” because like. not in a self deprecating way but like, why would any random person want that. and i dont expect to be better friends with ppl im just casual friends with, which is great, cus like Friendly Acquaintances and other lite friendships are fantastic and im very grateful. but i am aware there’s plenty of reasons making it difficult to just like, pick up a Close Buddy and i’m not like “oh i demand one from somewhere, from some reason.” so what i am trying to say is that keeping my expectations honestly realistic is an effort to be fair to both other ppl and myself and i think it works. no friends!! we out here!!!!

[oswhys]

Dumb AC concept ideas

So this is basically a info dump of ideas for potential AC games and concepts that its been playing with in my head, it's mostly me nerding out about junk (look if I can info dump about Teotihuacan I’ll do it.) like it's ideas that I think would be cool and what id want to see in future installments, even if they aren't likely to happen. It's also written super casually cause I started making this in a burst of inspiration at like 2 am and yet still got distracted from it cause I started going on tangents. So it's a bit of a mess. I’m totally down for bouncing ideas around if anyone has their own concepts.

1920’s jazz age assassin from the beginning of unity and the abstergo employee handbook. "The lives and failures of the most degenerate Americans to ever grace the world's stage - Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and Stein." please tell me how this doesn't sound cool as shit? Okokokokokokok SO… CARS. like this dude would have a car (and of course the player can earn different cars and looks for their car and junk, including a yellow Duesenberg… like come on if he knew Fitzgerald they gotta let this dude drive Gatsby's car.)  I think there can be an argument about him having a rope launcher attachment buuut maybe not??? I mean a car and a rope launcher would be dope as hell. The dude probably bounced between Paris and New York if he's a genuine jazz age junkie like how abstergo describes him and his writer pals. Also it would be cool to meet Picasso… also his base of operations should be a fucking speakeasy, like duh, like where else would a 1920’s assassin camp out? I don’t really have any plot ideas but the concept of a jazz age assassin is cool enough for me to want it this badly.

1970’s-1980’s William Miles in a corporate espionage type game, like i know he had Desmond in 1987 but he was an active filed assassin in 1977 when he was in Moscow so clearly he could've been doing other junk around then. It doesn't have to be him, i just want a 70’d-80’s assassin trying to fuck with abstergo and trying to steal animus research or something. Like Alieen Bock died in 81 and that was at the height of animus research before abstergo started really investing in it cause of Vidic. Like the surrogate initiative and the animus project are… basically the same thing really. Like knowing that Altair and Ezio were not actually related until their bloodlines crossed with Desmond. So with the memory keys being cited as an integral part of the animus project they obviously had a role to play in the surrogate project. Besides the newer games are pretty loosey-goosey with how the DNA and animus junk works now, with the spear having DNA traces or whatever and its corrupted enough that we could… choose things?? (don't ask questions just have fun i guess.) ok i’m over thinking this stuff… but come on… disco!!!!! Please please please have a disco assassination. Like… the idea of an assassin taking out a target at the disco is cool enough for me to want it. ALSO!!! If it goes into the 80’s then please for the love of god a Thriller inspired outfit would be to die for. Like i know getting the exact look would be a trademark nightmare but an inspired look may be able to get away with it. I just want some real corporate espionage type missions while dressed in some brightly colored dorky(cool as shit) 70’s/80’s fashion.

So like… ANYTHING from ancient Andean culture. So The Chimú or the Moche… that would be cool, but I'd settle for Wari and Tiwanaku. I just kinda want to see Chan Chan recreated. And Moche art was so fucking good like… idk man they're making video games that are mostly of ancient cultures now so the possibility of them making something in a more modern setting is slim to none. Like come on they're gonna want to make like idk maybe one more really ancient cultural game so they can still reuse assets again before making a whole new saga. That's just their track record. The problem with doing an ancient andean cultural video game is that there isn't a lot to work with other then our knowledge of the architecture and artistry of the ancient peoples. We have art documentary significant events but there isn't really any historical recordings so there's no significant figures to meet or events to take part in that we know of right now. BUT that also means that hey if Ubisoft wants us to have freedom of choice within the narrative this would be a great opportunity.

Speaking of ancient culturesssss ancient Mexican cultures would be REALLY cool too. Like obviously Mayans culture is the first to come to mind but AC already kinda explored the Mayans so idk maybe a more underrated ancient culture deserves the spotlight. The Zapotec and other civilizations in the Oaxaca. Like this would be really cool since we actually see a rise in raiding and conquest warfare, like theres these bas-relief stone carvings called Las Danzantes which are actually depictions of sacrificial victims, most likely foreign captives. The architecture is also to die for like i’m a sucker for talud-tablero style stuff popping up in ancient Latin america. Also do i gotta say it? BALL COURTS!!! A recreation of the ancient ball game in a video game would be cool as shit my dudes like… please i want this so bad. Like how origins depicted mummification with respect I’d love to see the same kind of loving dedication to the funerary practices of the ancient peoples. (off topic completely but some latin american civilizations had their own forms of mummification) like i wanna see the abandonment of Monte Alban and the later use of it by the Mixtecs. But the most important thing about the celebration of the ancient Zapotec would be the ability to celebrate the modern Zapotec culture, that would just be cool. Ok I’ll finish up this train of ideas with the one i really really really want to see recreated, the original Teotihuacan, before the Aztecs found it. With the pyramids being painted and covered in beautiful carvings and, of course, talud-tablero style architecture. It's basically the biggest ancient city in mesoamerica with hidden cave systems that we are still finding today and so much of the ancient city was built over because it might've been covered up or eroded to the point where no one knew it was there, or because there wasn't really anyone who cared enough to uh, not build on top of historical sites. Modern mexico city is built all around and on top of it (apparently you can see Walmart from the top of the temple of the sun…) so its a huge ancient city that was really colorful and really populated with crazy ancient tunnels underneath the pyramids that we’ve only discovered recently so how fucking cool are those possibilities? Like i just can't get over the idea of some assassin-esque person climbing up red pyramids and sitting next to statues and carvings of Queztalcoatl painted in a turquoise. Ancient farms and city life thriving. From what we know about it, like many other ancient latin american cities it was abandoned at some point, exactly why is unclear though (probably a mix of things cause there wasn't any kings really but more like… neighborhood councils (that's the best guess rn)). It was an actual city though, most archaeologists compare it to modern cities due to its city planning and its huge population. What was left behind was so spectacular that when the Aztecs found it they legit thought it was the city of the gods. This was a real fucking city and I’m crazy about it man i want it in a fucking video game my dudes.

COWBOYS PLEASE. Like i know rdr2 came out so they probably wont do it (for a while at least) and they already have the gold rush assassin so they've dabbled with cowboy stuff but… cowboys… like theres nothing else to say really… Cowboys. Also like i know how AC is pretty much ass melee combat and cowboys means guns and lots of guns and bows and probably rope darts. But… folding swords. That my shitty solution to have melee combat, like syndicate had melee and some gun stuff cause duh, but it was mostly melee. Like you can make the game centered around stealth so a lot more sneaking then combat, kinda like in unity. I have a few ideas for this one but most of them play into my own personal cowboy wish fulfillment fantasy of owning a farm with snakes for the production of venoms and other toxins. It's hard to explain but i kinda really want to see someone with a snake/spider enclosure where they produce venoms for the protag to use. The specific time period i have in mind is like 1870-1888 but it could defo go later. It's just that was peak for a lot of famous gunslingers and robberies. And Mesa Verde was basically rediscovered in the late 1880’s (its kinda weird like it was “officially” discovered in 88 but others saw it before that soooo. Also Montezuma Castle would be cool to visit in game as well. I dont have have a lot of knowledge about mesa verde or Montezuma but i know they're cool af.) the wild west is just ripe with possibility so i have some hope they’ll do one in the future but i don't see it happening anytime within the next couple of years.

Please for the love of god give me a AC3/unity dual sequel. Set in 1798 Egypt before during and maybe a little after the french invasion of Egypt. There would be a ton to work around and justify to get that to happen in universe buuuuut… i want it so badly. I have a shit ton of ideas but im saving all of that for a rainy day. 

I wouldn't mind if they actually did stuff with WWI, mostly cause i really like that one WWI assassin from project legacy and Lydia's whole thing was really cool.

Ok I’m kinda on burn out after all that cause I just… its 4 AM and i’m supposed to be writing a paper but I made this big fucking oops.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 16+17.08.18 lb

16.08.18 

LMAO, TU HAI KAUN AISI GUARANTEE DENE KO??????? ANIKA GAADI HAI KYA AUR TU USKA DEALER? 

yup, he was gonna say “main shaadi ALREADY kar chuka hoon” but caught himself in time in order to not complicate matters for her wrt marrying nikhil. 

BUT ARE NIKHIL AND HIS MOTHER BLIND? CAN’T THEY SEE SHE’S WEARING SINDOOR???????? SHE’S OBVIOUSLY MARRIED TO SOMEONE. you gotta be reaaaalllll dumb to not figure this shit out, you two. 

lmfao ok i think i might be a fan of nikhil’s mummy for that parting shot of doosron ko gyaan dena bada asaan hai. 

ohhhhhhhh man. these three are gonna be hellllllllla mad when they find out. 

“kya kaha tuney???” 

anika ke maan-sammaan-khushiyon ka rakshak is onnnnn the case! 

pfffffffffffft. iski shakl se hi pata nahi chalta ki kya kiya isne? 

you three were dumbasses to think that. they need SUPERVISED MEDIATION. aise akele chodoge toh aisa hi hoga. 

UGH SHIVAAY YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST. HAR SHAADI TUM KO ZABARDASTI HI KARWAANI HAI, MAJAAAAAL HAI JO TUM DULHAN SE POOCHO KI USSE KYA CHAHIYE. 

srsly, i am nikhil’s mom, who’s like why the fuckkkkk are you so involved in anika and nikhil’s shaadi. tu apna dekh na. 

great, he’s ready to fund it also. ek kaam kar, anika ka kanyaadaan bhi tu hi kar. itnaaaaaaa shauk jo chadha hai. 

yeah i have had it up to here with stupid singh oberoi. ugh. 

^^^^^ that’s the point i stopped watching at on the 16th. i literally rolled my eyes so damn hard that i decided it was better for my health if i gave up. 

okay! let’s try again! 

this nikhil ki ma is such a meesni. die bitch. 

ohhohohoho, anika is MOST definitely going to find about this eventually aur tab beta, tumhari khair nahi. i hope OU anika ki atma gets into her and she fucken beats you to death with her broken chameli. 

is anika ko job milkar kya faida? iske personal life ke chonchlon se isko time hi kahaan milta hai job par jaane ke liye? 

ugh why are you even picking up this idiot’s call??? you’re 0.0% interested in him. 

lmao gauri’s face. 

and gauri’s expression being paralleled here on shivaay’s face. 

DAMN GIRL THE EXCITEMENT. WHO IN THIS DAY AND AGE IS EVER THIS EXCITED TO GET AN ACTUAL PHONE CALL? 

lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo oh man nikhil, samajh jao apni aukaat aur haisiyat. 

... what’s with the weird split-screening? that too, not perfectly in the middle and gauri’s awkwardly to the side and half cut off? matlab...??????? 

adorable munchkin. too cute, too pure. 

lol that "whooooooo boy” expression shivaay gave after nikhil left. 

holllllllly shit what’s with the hella bad green screen behind him???? that’s soooooooooo not the view outside anika’s house??? 

anika honestly girl, calm the fuck down. 

or don’t and tell him the truth; that you’re majorly into him.

 OH SHIT. OH NO SHE’S GONNA THINK HE MEANS HIS AND HER SHAADI WHILE THIS FUCKING IDIOT MAN IS TALKING ABOUT NIKHIL OH GOD AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN’T WATCH THIS I CAN’TTTTTTTTTT

JFC FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOU SHIVAAAY THIS IS FUCKING ENTRAPMENT. HONESTLY FUCK YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL MAN. IDGAF ABOUT YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

oh noooooooooo my poor girl she’s so happy oh god nooooooooooo.

JFC SHIVAAY YOU FUCKING IDIOT ARE YOU SO CLUELESS THAT YOU DON’T REALISE THAT THIS WOMAN IS HUGGING YOU IN AN ENTIRELY NON “DOST“ WAY RN????????????????///

oh suddenly he realises that perhaps he shouldn’t be hugging another man’s woman in this way.

notice neither of them are moving to untangle themselves though. still remaining all pressed up against each other. and you dumb fucks still say you don’t know “kya hai humaare beech”. 

sure. extreeeeeemely appropriate behaviour and manner of looking at a woman whose wedding you’re organizing to another man. A+. keep it up. 

all i can do at this point is hope gauri’s secretly taking pics and will make a presentation of her own at the next wedding attempt to nikhil. 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand he ruined it. 

sidenote: this is a nakuul smile, not a shivaay smile. 

cute smile aside, i really wanna slapppppp shivaay for how giddily happy he’s being at his own stupidity. matlab self-awareness naam ki cheez is bande ke aas-paas bhi nahi bhatki hai. 

anika, now would be a good time to take off your chameli. and channel all that khidkitodness you claim to possess. 

we already knew nikhil and his whole fam were shadyass fuckers. ainvayi ka dramatic reveal they’re showing, as if any of this is a completeeeee surprise to any of us. 

ANIKA WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YEH TOH CHUTIYA HAI HI, WHY CAN’T YOU JUST STRAIGHT UP TELL HIM THAT YOU DON’T GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT NIKHIL?????? YOU DIDN’T EVEN THE FIRST TIME AROUND, LET ALONE NOW. 

... after happily leaping into his arms thinking he was proposing marriage, she’s saying “mujhe nahi pata meri khushi kis mein hai”??????????? godddddddddd she’s an even bigger fucking idiot than he is. 

OMFG IS MANDHBUDDHI KI BAKCHODI KHATAM NAHI HUI HE’S NOW GETTING DOWN ON HIS KNEES TO PROPOSE.... FOR NIKHIL. 

“mujhse shaadi karogi, anika?” 

aaaaaahaaa. freudian slip.

lmaoooooooo “bohut khush rakhunga main... nikhil... NIKHIL!” sure boo. ek baar hua, woh galti thi. baar baar jo hota hai... chalo chodo. tumse bolke bhi kya faayda. 

TFW you really can’t tell who the bigger idiot is in your relationship. 

... great. just great. yeh log bhi aa gaye. AUR CHACHI BHI. UGH. 

yup. i am that literal full body shudder that anika does every single time nikhil touches her. ICK. GET YO GRUBBY HANDS OFF MY GIRL. 

caaaaaaaasual smiley threat from shivaay about how he’ll literally destroy nikhil if he fucks up. best. 

they are me and i am them. not amused by any of this garbage. 

has this chachi really sudharofied? dare i hope? in any case, her toning down her overall personality is very much welcome. 

SHIVAAY I... YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU DID WHAT YOU HAVE TO, NOW PLEASE, JUST LITERALLY GTFO HERE. UGH. 

jali. billu ki jali. itni der tak idk where his fucking brain was, but it’s finally hit him. 

haan jaa beta, maarofy your hasty exit. go rub your literally aching chest somewhere else.

god you poor dumbass. i don’t even... ugh shivaaaaaaay, what are we even going to do with youuuuuu?????????? 

also sorry for untimely tharak but this blue suit is realllllllllllly working on him. especially in this lighting. brings out his eyes nicely.

also, somehow the makeup or whatever is better in this scene? his eyebags aren’t so prominent.

oh boy. khuddar waali anika jaag gayi hai. she’s come to question. 

“kyunki sab kuch aap decide karte hain na? na aapne mujhe tab poocha tha jab aapne mujhse zabardasti shaadi ki, na tab poocha jab aapne shaadi ko maanne se inkaar kiya, na aapne mujhse tab poocha jab divorce papers thamaa diye, na ab jab aapne nikhil aur uske maa se meri shaadi ki baat ki.” 

YAS CALL HIM THE FUCK OUT. 

“kyunki tum meri.... DOST ho.”

LMAO. APPROPRIATE RESPONSE. 

“meri shaadi ko dus din nahi hue... aur mera DOST meri doosri shaadi karwaana chahta hai. aapko lagta hai yeh sahi hai??”

GIRL YES FUCKING MURDER HIM. 

ah fuck. he’s losing it and almost in tears. fuck i’m kinda melting. he’s trying so hard. he’s objectively wrong, but he’s TRYING SO HARD. 

NO. DO NOT LEAVE IT ON FUCKING KISMAT, USE YOUR FUCKING BIG GIRL WORDS AND TELL HIM YOU DON’T WANNA MARRY FUCKING NIKHIL. JFC ANIKA. 

ugh you two idiotssssssssssssss. 

lord this tu jaane na makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a rusty fork. the music of this whole redux truly sucks ass. 

17.08.18 

LMAO OM AS USUAL COMES THROUGH FOR ALL OF US, WITH THE FUCKING DISBELIEF AND RAGE AND WANTING TO THROTTLE BILLU. 

same here with gauri. god bless my sensible little chirraiyya. anika for fucks’ sake listen to her. honestly. 

lmao rikara’s faces at the whole “kismat” nonsense. tell me they take things into their own hands and become the “kismat” writers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

... itna toh yeh prinku ke shaadi ke liye bhi utaavla nahi tha jitna khud ki biwi ki shaadi karwaane ke liye ho raha hai. someone get this man some help. 

at least these two are having their fun! 

also tell me they have some kinda plan in place, and that’s why they’re so chill and happy. 

snort. 

oh boy. dramatic music says something’s gonna happen with the lights.

yup. isko jhatka lagne waala hai. in more ways than one; but right now mostly of the electric kind. 

oh ho nope! doosra jhatka first! 

sure. the way every wedding planner looks at the bride. like they wanna marry them themselves. 

god bless prinku and her sass 4ever. 

and these two and their beautiful faces! honestly, masha’Allah. 

“aapke bhaiyya satiyaa gayein hain. kya kar kya rahein hain????” lmaooooooooo

OMFG OMKI SHOMKI FINALLY MAKING SOME KINDA FUCKING MOVE. GODBLESS, HALLELUJAH! 

YES THEY’RE GONNA BE LIVING HEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE BUT RIKARA LIVING UNDER THE SAME ROOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!! 

lmao anika’s also started daant chabaana at this man and his fuckery. 

no literally who the fuck are all these fucking guests?????? 

OH MY GOD MY GIRL LOOKS SOOOOOO GOOOOOD. 

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, of course!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

i am literally putting nazar ka teeka on my laptop screen coz god, how beautiful are they!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

“tum theek ho?” eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, lo, the 4 Lions “i love you” bhi ho gaya! 

lolololol she’s the cutest.

oh ho, this prinku is on “tu” basis with rudra. meaning they’re around the same age. 

also finally, a throwaway line explaining where rudra is! 

god he looks so hot today, i can’t. 

lolllllllllllllllll prinkuuuuuuuuuuu. you really do thrive off putting your brothers in the most uncomfortable situations ever, and that too with the most insouciant look on your face. I FUCKING LOVE IT.

HOW DARE YOU TWO BE THIS BEAUTIFUL?????????? I CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT YOU STRAIGHT, IT’S LIKE LOOKING AT THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this girl also looking like fire today. the makeup is especially good. i love the glittery blue liner! 

of course. also situation is kinda sorta chaapofied from ipk. 

lmaoooooooooooooooo her face. 

yeah kismat is doing its thang. take the fucking hint. all three of you dumbasses.

meanwhile lol these two and their completely nonplussed faces.

great. nikhil ki mummy is starting her overacting. ouff. 

omkara: relax aunty, galti se hua hai. 

“kuch galtiyaan kitni khoobsurat hoti hai!” 

lmaooooooooooooooooooooooo she really is the best. 

AAAAAAAAAND THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL “KISMAT” BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

as much as i’m relishing her snark in pointing it out to him, i’m also mad as hell at her for going through with this garbage. ab kahaan gayi teri saari khuddaari bish???? you just gonna do whatever the fuck one man or the other keeps pushing you into???? 

ugh nikhil literally fuck off. can’t you see two beautiful people were having a moment here? no place here for uggos like you.

ugh this sad puppy. oh shivaay what even do we do with you?????? 

god i love omkara and his common sense and his not mincing his words. SO MUCH. words can’t even describe. #omkaraisbae 

(gosh i haven’t used that hashtag since like, the late 2016s???? i missed it!) 

oh suddenly NOW they notice the sindoor. she’s been wearing it for all these days with no maang tika or anything to cover it, tab kya aankhon mein button lage hue the sab ke????? 

... and the purpose of this is???????????????? 

LMAO HOW IS THIS ANY BETTER???? LIKE OK YOU STOPPED HER FROM TELLING THE SECRET BUT SHE LITERALLY RAN OVER TO YOU AND IS FUSSING OVER YOU NOT GIVING A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT NIKHIL AND HIS FAM.  

waise they should be used to it by now, na? pehli shaadi mein bhi toh isne yehi kiya tha. 

son honestly. what are you even doing. why are you fucking like this??? 

wow he gave up his own room for her to stay in? or are they staying together till the shaadi or...??? like scene kya hai boss??? 

billu this bs martyr complex of yours is getting reallllllly tiresome now. 

oh god noooooooooooooo not the fucking sindoor too. don’t you fucking dare!!!!!!!!

oh gooood. she called him out on it. literally doing whatever the fuck he wants with zero thoughts on what those symbols mean to her. fucking dumbass. 

“meri maang, mera sindoor, meri marzi main lagaoon ya na lagaoon...” GIRL IF YOU CAN BE SO ASSERTIVE RE: ALL THIS WHY THE FUCK CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT DOWN THIS WHOLE FARCE??????????? HONESTLY, MORE THAN SHIVAAY, YOU ARE GETTING ON MY LAST DAMN NERVE RN. 

[plotbunnie]

Mm so there’s a lot of stuff under the cut I just feel like I can’t express directly? Please don’t feel obligated to read the mess going on in my head, I just need to put it somewhere. 

So this is just a big,,, massive dump of things I sometimes wish I could tell people but either it is socially unacceptable to discuss or I simply feel too guilty to do so, or feel as if I will not be understood. It’s really a big mess, so this is kind of a second ‘hey, turn back now!’ warning if that’s the sort of thing you’re not about.  This is a queued post, also, because it makes me feel a little less like I’m begging for attention that way, and knowing that will probably reduce the appearance of urgency it gives by being all big and emotional.

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been venting, more. Which is natural, I’m in school, I’m stressed, yadda yadda. But like- the things I vent about are never what really upsets me? they’re usually related but not- the thing and I’ve been examining myself to try and figure out why, and it boils down to the fact that what I end up venting about is genuinely insignificant, or at least mostly so, especially compared to whatever’s actually bothering me. 

I’m also always trying to- dismiss and explain away everything that upsets me. “Oh, it’s just hormones”, “Oh, it’s just school stress making me crazy, you know”, “I’m just being oversensitive rn, it’ll pass”. 

But like whoops, no, it’s not passing cause the actual root issues are a lot deeper than “I feel bad bc my teacher laughed in my face when I asked a question he didn’t like”.

And here’s the thing- I can tell myself how irrational the feelings I keep getting are all I want and it will not make them go away? In fact it’s just been forcing me to internalize them and feel shitty for feeling them at all. 

So I guess here’s the part where I actually say what I’ve really been feeling, so I can look at it, and stare at it, and figure out what the hell I can actually do about it. Cause in some cases the solution seems so easy- and then it’s fucking not, and I just feel worse for failing at it.

I feel insignificant, invisible, probably some other word that starts with an ‘in’. Like I no longer exist the moment I’m outside of someone’s immediate vicinity, and only re-enter their memory bank once I’m in front of them or on their screen again. Like my whole existence is just floating in the void and sometimes a comet passes by or whatever and acknowledges me, and I’m just screaming for that acknowledgement and have no way of making it permanent. A lot of this is probably because of the fact that, thanks to my roommates & their situation, all but maybe four or five of the 20 people I met and started interacting with semi-regularly last semester no longer even acknowledge I exist- literally their expressions glaze over and they move past me, even when I’ve directly addressed them ( though I stopped doing that right quick, of course ). I’ve never, in my whole life of being picked on and pushed away from people, felt so small or alone as I do now. And I don’t know how to change that. I keep telling myself there is a way to change that, and I will find it, and all sorts of other shit a therapist would probably say, but ultimately, even if I am not this invisible being, I don’t know how to make myself stop feeling like one. I mean it’d be nice if I could ask people to remind me of that, but wow I guess that leads to the second problem?

I hate asking for things. heck, I hate receiving things without asking for them. A friend told me they were giving me something they’d gotten with digital currency they’ve amassed to a point it is no object and I still almost had a panic attack and immediately had to work out how I could even the score and pay them back. This friend reasoned that they were paying me back, but on a numbers level their gift still sort of dwarfed what I did? And so it still incited genuine fear until I could find a way to repay it back. And it’s not that I don’t want to be given things? Because then if the exchange of things ( be they compliments, edits, art scribbles, inconsequential digital currency gifts, anything because yeah, literally all of those result in the same anxiety- though some I’m better at combating the resulting anxiety than others ), then I start getting that unfortunate human response that makes me sad because I’m not getting things, when it is a commonly accepted concept that when you like someone you give them stuff ( again, not necessarily monetary or physical- applying to compliments and emotional support and all that junk as well ), and to NOT receive those things at all just feeds back into my first problem?? And it’s this awful vicious cycle. And worse than being given things out of the blue ( because the resulting warm fuzzies do generally balance out the panic and make it well worth it ) is asking for something- whether it is something I want, something I need- even suggesting something totally inconsequential that can be given to me to help someone else combat their anxiety over being given something.  But kind of especially asking for things I need? Asking for help, asking for emotional support, asking for an ear to speak to- it’s why I’m typing up this long-ass post I all but begged people NOT to read despite kind of?? really wanting someone to understand what I am experiencing ( because is it real if people don’t acknowledge it or know about it or understand it? ), rather than just- talking to someone. I don’t want to burden anyone with my neediness? I don’t feel I have the right, I don’t feel that I’m a Level 7 Friend who can request emotional support, and I feel like I leveled wrong on my lower levels so I can literally never reach Level 7. Nevermind that people just plain don’t want to hear about this sort of thing because it makes people uncomfortable and that is a fact not many people are willing to acknowledge? Like in my experience ( and I am CERTAIN this is not always true, but for me it has been, or feels like it has been ) no matter how close with someone you are, chances are they don’t want to hear about your deep shit. No matter how much they say ‘never feel bad for asking for help or wanting to talk’ they are also probably internally praying you ask someone else.  And that is fine? Like they gotta do they own thing and I will never begrudge them that ever ever ever because Wow Dude I Get It Big Time, but it really is a struggle when there is no one who IS willing to listen?

And sure, I could see a therapist, I did for a bit last semester and I keep telling myself to find a new one this semester since the previous one left, but honestly that one just allowed me to feel like I was trying because that’s what you do when you’ve got emotional turbulence, you see a therapist- and that’s... literally the only benefit seeing one brought me. Because they seem to be more focused on “well here is a list of ways you have already tried to potentially combat this small par of your problems without actually addressing the source”, along with “do you REALLY have this thing you were told you have because you don’t have any of these stereotypical and often inaccurate symptoms listed in this short passage of a book that is my only frame of reference for it”. ( yeah, that last one is really specific but like- I was trying to talk??? about how betrayed I felt that my freaking mother was told by professionals I’m autistic NOT ONLY when I was a child, but again when I was a teenager seeing a therapist, and then told my EX BOYFRIEND before she finally told me- casually and in passing. And instead of focusing on the emotional issue I wanted to address, she focused on whether or not it was an ‘accurate diagnosis’ ). 

Like I have all these problems and they affect me and how I function, but I didn’t learn what they were or how to address them or in some cases even that I had them until very recently, and I just want to acknowledge them, but if I try I’m just asking for attention or making excuses and I just don’t know what I can do about that but man that is almost a footnote in all this ugh.

And I’m sure this factors in somewhere but heck if I know where but like touch is something humans tend to need and wow I’m very touch-starved to the point I am now touch-repulsed and while the part of me that needs support is downright begging for someone to fucking hug me for like 3 hours is constantly battling the instinct to never let anyone near me ever because what if I’m too clinging what if it hurts what if it turns out it doesn’t help shit what if they take advantage of me what if they get weirded out what if what if what if

And then the final thing- and god I know this is choppy by now and I’m honestly scared of anyone who bothered to read this far cause heck, guess you know how to destroy me now, and also why- is that I am starting to wonder if there is a point to anything I do? Like obviously there is but-- I am a creature that thrives on acknowledgement more than most it feels like and I think that I am suffering a lack of just that has been made a little clear by now so I’m at that point where like- I just want someone to look at my work, really look at it and examine it and explore it and give me deep feedback and talk with me about it but nobody wants to fucking do that, as exemplified in almost all the above points and like if it’s not worth looking at in depth is it really worth looking at, at all?

Am I really worth looking at, at all?

[jooheonies]

nawar lover no.1 aka user shwhyuk uwu

bloodorangeki said: the lady formerly known as hyuccwoo, shreknu if u will,

send me a tumblr url and ill tell you what i think of them!

hhhhhh ok before i eben launch into this full love essay. i jst wanna say tht u truly are the light at the end of my tunnel sejung,,,,u make me so happy !!! Like i remember when i was losing my mind off of like three sips of pineapple cider and i legitimately felt like i was gonna throw up but then i was like … damn i can’t forget to text shannon and tell her about all this. and then i talked to u for a full hour or so while u called me a liddle babie nd i continuously whined…either way you truly have me under your spell you demon!!

okay so not to be. dramatic but youre so dreamy and pretty you remind me of rain and soft kisses on the cheeks and rose gardens and bouquets of flowers and soft sunlight on flower meadows and like! that feeling you get in your cheeks when you smile too much for too long and you get that permanent blush across your face! god that’s probabaly nonsense and not very cohesive but you have the same sort of colors…soft orange and light pink….you’re like a sunset on the beach right at the start of spring when theres barely anyone on the shore and the whole world feels really big and wide but even though youre all alone you don’t feel lonely because it still feels like the whole world(you) is poised right at the edge of your fingertips.

hhhh that also probably made very little sense but i dont care i love you so much and im very bad at expressing emotion (blame my virgo moon who hasn’t felt any feelings in over 18 years) but i still feel like always showering u in that sweet love and affection, despite the fact that im horrible with words and i have absolutely no consistency. I feel like it’s really rare to meet someone who literally changes your entire perception of the world but … damn here we are!! tlkaing to u is literally a part of my daily life its a part of who i am at this point :/

Anyways, friendships don’t really come naturally to me because I have a very weird perosnality where like. im simultaneously suffocating whilst also being very detached and it turns people off so quickly but..god we mesh so well i truly love you so much. i also tend to not write a lot whenever i make these posts bc im the kind of person who continously says how much i love you throughtout the convo (even thoguh ill ghost most ppl for a few days) so whenever i get around to writing these im like :// but what else do i say :// but this time!!! oooo i have so much to say i can never go into full loving hours with you bc you always turn things around and get me to start talking abotu myself and pretty soon we start talking about how i used to raise rocks as a kid instead of talking about how hot you are :/

so anyways firstly . those were just the intro pragaraphs im finally getting into my loving sejung essay :(( helloooo one of my favortie things about talking to you is how easily the conversation always flows ….us talking about shownus asshole and the questionable consumption of expired jello and orbeez at 3 am is most likely the more demonic things weve done while simultaenously being the more tame things…my head still aches when i remember that giagntic bruise i got from looking at that wonho+tentacles/changkyun+black hole sketch u made… god we somehow always go from topic to topic with absolutely no regard for cohesiveness and yet neither of us ever question it…we’ll spend hours discussing absolutely nothing …like that one night we stayed up for like three hours on rabbit talking about all the different mx stans and which member has the most stans internationally versus domestically and why….icons of developing complex sociocultural theories at 2am while occasionally mentioning “oh wow its late u should go to bed >:/” god its just that I always lose track of time whenever I talk to you…its like im so focused on that I Love Her mood that I don’t even realize its been 4 hours until I look down at my pile of unfinished homework and then back up at my laptop like. This was a Valid choice why would I pick ib math when I have a whole entire sejung talking to me. hhhh its just that talking to you comes so naturally and I always tell you all these quesiotnable things to which you always respond by first calling me a demon and then laughing about it and encouraging my stupidity. it’s also so so endearing that ill tell you about the dumb shit im doing and your first response is always to nag at me to be safe and take care of myself as if ill actually listen to you and clean a cut with alcohol, risking legitimate Pain… anyways sejung? queen of making me feel loved and noticed? MORE LIKELY THAN U THINK!!!!

hhhhh ok moving on now I get to talk about how. sexy u are damn….i remember back when we were first starting to talk and you sent me those pictures of yourself in that button up and I literally. I quite literally almost passed out in the starbucks while the barista was handing me my strawberry lemonade I truly almost lost it…nd right before that I was encouraging you to talk to the boba girl nd flirt nd be all spicie…but then u sent me those pics nd I was like for what reason would she have to impress boba girl when im right here … mouth open so wide in love that all the bobas are spilling out of my mouth :( not to be dramatic yet again when I know ive mentioned those selfies before but damn…those were so hot u unbuttoned like two or three of the top buttons and u looked so hot truly. raw me vore me behind each and every single boba store location hewwwooo u look so intense nd powerful im truly putty in ur hands not only would I lose my mind for u, I have already lost it

hhhhh im very much rambling and making very little sense rn bc its. 2:30 am and im sleebie nd I blocked all social media sites so id do homework bt I kept thiknning abt u so I was like hm the universe clearly wants me to write about sejung more even though ill have to post this in the morning bc tungle is blocked until then :// bt anaywas that also means I get to go into all the other thigns I love about u and all the things u remind me of :(( hhhh its so wild that I never actually aunch into full loving shannon mood bt I talk abt u so much w my friends theyre all. suspicious ,,,,

them: nawar u don’t actually like romance and u hate talking about people r u perhaps dating this girl??me, w hearts in my eyes laughing at smth ure saying on my phone: what

HHHH DJHFKSJDHF TAHST TRULY ME,,,,ALWAYS THIKNING ABT U,,,ALWAYS BEING BIG HEART EYES FR U,,,at any given moment I could be reminded of u :( I see a piece of paper nd im like huh I should do work then again is work necessary to live perhaps not but sejung is necessary to live,,,,me thinking abt u as I procrastinate every single thing ive ever had to do :D Like, ive never understood when people say that they hated a zodiac sign at one point, and then they met one person and they were like oh my god nevermind this sign is perfect but truly,,,I love geminis now ,,,I used to hate them almost as much as cancer nd now? geminis are all good ure so wonderful nd loving nd sweet u being a gemini saved geminis collectively,,

ill also neber stop talking abt how now matter how much I whine and demand attention, youre always jst,,,supplying it without any question like at one point people usually get annoyed, no matter how endeared they were by it at first, bt youre always calling me a baby (even though im older) nd giving me that sweet Love and Attention,,mmmmm my libra sun thrives under ur care :( hhhh also I feel it is important to point out I love. all of u,,,,like I don’t even usually care much for peoples voices or anything unless its like so deep it sounds like the grim reaper bc that’s wild u ,,bt anyways the first moment I heard ur voice I was. breathless I was so shocked like ur voice is so soothing nd warm its like. if the aesthetic of sunlight and honey and warm pies had a voice,,,hhhh im also not the type to really believe in things like fate nd destiny and soulmates and stuff bt that’s kind of what u remind me of ? in a? not weird way hhhhh so I feel like youre just so naturally in tune with people like nothing really catches you off guard and you roll with peoples different personalities and quirks and you always jst. mesh so well with everyone ure like the minhyuk of the internet,,,,nd like!! theres smth abt u that reminds me of balance and maybe its my libra sun always seeking peace and harmony in life but I always feel so relaxed nd steady whenever I talk to you its like . idk how to explain it!!! its jst so comforting!!!

I was originally gonna cut myself off at 1k but its too late for that now and im gonna put this under a read more anyways and its 3am now so I feel like. go Big or go Home!!! now im gonna launch into a long analysis of u! and ur smile!! first of all,,,its so rare nd wild to find someone who likes validating people more than being validated,,,,u finding my libra antics cute???hhhhh tahts so wild,,,,I could pout for hours nd u would call it cute,,,validating!!! nd the fact that you’ve read my writing,,,,excerpts from my demonic wips and youre stil friends with me?? you still talk to me?? damn that’s like. never to be expected any time I make someone read that tangerine fic they ghost me for a good month but I sent you pieces of that tentacle fic and YOU FUCKCING SKETCHED OUT THE LOOK,,,,,MY MUSE,,,nd also you tend to always steer the convo around to focus on the other person n dim a FOOL who almost falls for it every time,,,before I remember and make u tell me thigns…god ive told you so many obscure things from my childhood like that time I tried to eat a brick and yet you still,,,,talk to me,,,,who are u,,,,hhhh ure always so cute nd giving nd caring I feel like I could genuinely truly look like shit nd send u a selfie nd you would still be like WOW GORGEOEUS YOU LOOK SO GOOD THAT’S HOT!!! u,,,going out of ur way to make ppl happy :( anyways im a fool in love w u ,,,also not to be like. one of those old white boy text posts from tumblr but ,,,,hey girl,,,ladie,,,wamen,,,did u know? ur smile lights up my world? ,,,did u know? theres no such thing as u being anything less than perfect,,,why? because its impossible to be anything less than the essence of who you are. hhhh that’s the dumbest thing im ever written im cutting myself off that was too much this is like. 2k words so far and in all honesty I could continue but then id get gushier than that last line and nobody wants to see That,,,hhhh

this started out with. somewhat decent grammar like I used periods and I think I occasionally capitalized the first letter of the sentence but at this point its incoherent rambling it’s the inside of my brain every time I see u or hear frm u its like when spongebobs brain was on fire and all the cabinets and computers were going up in flames and all the little brain spongebobs were losing their mind that’s me right now losing my mind over you I wrote exactly 2k words in that whole essay,,,,im so fucking valid,,,,ananywas I love you if you couldn’t tell nd iim . somewhat satisfied at being able to vent all this love,,,smoochie,,smoochh,,SMOOCHIIE

[pokefanbri]

If I move on, even if we're not together anymore...it just feels like a betrayal & i dont know if I can bring myself to do it, Idk if I can! 😭 I was left like an unexpecting pet or even pokemon lol wondering where its owner went after it was abandoned without knowing why...i know that sounds silly...but it makes me wonder if I was left hanging in such a way with no closure...am i like left on a back burner or some shit. Its ridiculous I know, i shouldn't wait for a return when there's none deserved...but in my eyes, we both must work on ourselves including with self love & evaluating our faults etc, b4 jumping into something serious...like jumping the gun b4 we're ready..& I know he knows that too. He doesn't realize how awesome of a person he really is, fuck the bruised ego or what have u after everything, he doesn't like showing weakness i know him well...thats also a guy thing 😅 it doesn't make him less of the great person ive known for months.

But i don't know what to do, im at a loss, id be giving my heart to someone else when it was wide open for him if he wanted it...and the more I learn & understand by putting myself in his shoes, somehow my love grew even more so after the fact....which makes it even more of an agonizing pain. I don't need his validation, I would just like to speak 😔 It may or may not be painful for him to, but it is for me to not.

The whole relationship, all the events, everything karma,God or even Satan ffs is giving us thereafter....its all piling up without release. Right now at this moment as im sobbing again, id do anything for a proper chance to be redeemed in some way & maybe truly experience the relationship the way its meant to be 😭 but I know deep down its probably not likely even if granted we were brought together for a reason like fate for self growth for example. All I know is that I'd rather hear it from him, that everything is gonna be okay, & that he prays for me just as much as i do for him 😭😭😭 I don't care about the era of our relationship, I can move past the downs without forgetting the great positives.. id put that shit aside if it means i can just get my best friend back 😭 cuz losing both at the same time is whats killing me rn, i can't handle this shit, I just dont want to think about this anymore...it just hurts too much. I hope with time, things change & we're cool again if that would ever be a possibility.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, im so confused & scared its harder to trust with everything out to get me..this was not supposed to be how my life turned out..Im a hot broken mess. I ask myself everyday why, why did it have to be like this after all the good, what was it worth...was it worth losing someone in a blink of an eye to avoid dealing with it rather than confront & becoming better for eachother, was it worth sacrificing it all including our well being!? And why, why was i unwanted for a whole half a year!!!!! No, if anything especially MY time & energy was wasted, I did everything right, I damn well know what it takes to be in a relationship I thrive on long term...he made his choices & it ended up costing us both. If I knew the end result would ruin me in certain areas, I would've risked it to have gone in the 1st place...😔 Who chooses to close themselves off even more, not want to fix whats broken for greater things within, & instead runs away from it 😭 Who guards themselves from vulnerability so much so, as if they've locked themselves up from any1...makes me think who tf fucked his heart up in his past where he thinks he can't be close? Am I crazy or in the ball park I have no idea, me trailing off to theories is exactly why im confused, my mind is literally working overtime to figure it all out & i can't stop it...actually gives me a headache. Im not sure ill ever get my answers 😔 I just know Its harder to move on without knowing how I ended up here. A small part of me thinks its a cruel joke just to put us in a position to get our shit together on our own merits & everything would be fine between us again..but at what cost. I just don't know anymore.

Though i grew fond of him & my heart grew 3 sizes bigger..over time his became less & left cold, but throughout...we were still homies til the bitter end, that ill always cherish.

You will never know how to truly love someone & be given the glory of that life, if you're unable to love yourself first. Nobody is perfect, but when u look at the one u love...they're perfect to you. When i looked at him, I thought he was the most amazing person...flaws & all I didnt care, I accepted him for who he was. Like "see that person right there..their face brings me joy & is why I get outta bed just to see it in the morning" All i wanted was for him to feel the same 😔

Theyll always have a piece of my heart, the bond connects even if by a thread, it will always be there. The pieces of the past are a puzzle to my heart & it searches within those pieces for what it needs.. it will be sewn or put back together eventually & may swell again, by who I do not know. Idk if ill ever feel that way again or find someone who'd measure up to that same level as I again. Only time will tell, all i can do is pray...for them & myself that we find peace, to forgive & forget so we rest a little easier to better face today's challenges as they come. I pray they're alright & send any strength they may need to fight whatever battles they face as well. Thats all i can do