#GENUINELY TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE SNIFFLING PATHETICALLY

[trans-yllz]

shortly after cry number three we get cry number four, for wei wuxian over hearing the other cultivators talking about what happened to jin zixuan and jiang yanli, remembering what he said to jin ling, and proceeding to coldly and firmly slap himself across the face

[therandompagesblog]

SKZ Mate Chapter 8

Warnings: Insecurities, Felix and Y/N are sensitive wolves.

"What about burgundy curtains?" Felix asked. "Or. Or. We could have cream to let the light through." Changbin had suggested. "How about blinds? Hyunjin has some cool blinds." Felix added. "Y/N?" Changbin asked as he pointed to some designs on his tablet. "You've never done this before have you?" Felix asked. "Well done Lix you've made her cry. Aish. No. No. Don't you cry Lixie, fuck sake!" Changbin threw his arm up in the air. The two betas had spent the morning showing Y/N her new room they had built. They were so excited and wanted her to start nesting so she was more comfortable but they didn't realise she had never nested before let alone ever built her own nest. "Right, um, it's okay, we can start somewhere small and figure it out," Changbin promised as he tried to coax the female back into the room to start looking at things. "I'm sorry I'm not a good omega." Y/N blurted out pathetically as she fell to the ground feeling embarrassed about herself. After her conversation with Hyunjin, she spent the entirety of the night rethinking her whole entire life and how an omega was supposed to be. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Felix kept repeating, tears streaming down his face as he looked at the omega who he had made to feel embarrassed. He never meant to make her embarrassed or cry. Felix felt like a failed mate. He was supposed to help and comfort his omega, instead he made her cry.

While the two wolves were crying Changbin stood there like a confused inexperienced parent. He had no idea what just happened or how to make them stop. Changbin couldn't really help Felix as the younger male was genuinely a sensitive werewolf who had high expectations of himself. The only other person who could get Felix to calm down was Hyunjin but he didn't want to call Hyunjin when Y/N was around. As for Y/N he had no idea what would make her feel better as he didn't expect a werewolf to not know how to properly nest. "What happened," Jisung panted, feeling out of breath as he ran up the stairs after he heard the cries of the two wolves. "Y/N doesn't know how to build a nest," Changbin whispered as he stared at the two sniffling wolves. "Oh. Come on then Y/N let's go make a nest." Jisung panted as he tapped the omega's shoulder. "Silly wolf. If you keep crying I'll make you destroy Minho's room. If you still cry we could try the devil's room." "I don't know how to make one," Y/N said sadly as she looked at the pouting wolf who patted her hair affectionately.  "We'll start in my room okay," Jisung said as he dragged her down the corridor to his room and threw the door open in excitement.

"This is my room. Sorry, it's a shit hole." Jisung snickered. He didn't care it was a mess but he felt like he should apologise for it. Y/N shook her head and stepped forward, taking in his room. His room was slightly bigger than hers but had more clutter. Jisung had clothes littered everywhere. Hanging off his door, off the chair, even hanging off his window. Y/N made a mental note that Jisung liked clothes a lot. She also noted that Jisung's room smelt like cinnamon and myrrh but not as subtle as her older brother's room. It smelled homely. "I like your room. It smells like my brother's room. It smells like home." Y/N said making Jisung's wolf purr in contempt. He was satisfied with the answer. "So. All you have to do is use your wolf. It is as simple as that. Let your wolf guide you. If something doesn't feel right, move it. If you want to add something add it. You will find that the more you bond with us and accept us, the more you will want to change it until it's perfect. It becomes instinct. At the moment you just want to make it comfortable for you." Jisung explained. "But what if you don't like it or if you want to build it?" Y/N asked. "That's a different kind of nesting. Okay, I realise this is going to be a lot. Baby steps little wolf." Jisung rubbed his hands up and down Y/N's arm to calm them both down as he didn't realise how little knowledge she had. "The first step with a new mate is scent nesting. You put your scent in a wolf's room you feel most comfortable with. It can also signify showing respect when you nest in a wolf's room. It makes the beta or the alpha feel respected and wanted when you nest, but that is something you can do later. Now what I am going to do is blindfold you. I want you to use your wolf's feelings to guide you around the room. Just sniff and move things. When you're ready take it off and move it around." Jisung explained as he reached to find one of his bandanas buried somewhere in the bedroom.

Jisung brought the bandana to her eyes before leaving the room, allowing her to explore how to nest. He didn't want to confuse her or make her feel self-conscious so he allowed her to roam free so she did. Y/N closed her eyes and tried to smell all of the things in his room, trying to pinpoint anything that bothered her, but she couldn't find anything. With a huff she moved deeper into his room, feeling around the clothes when she smelled something stale and acidic. The scent burned her nose making her wince. Does Jisung not wash his clothes?  Y/N growled slightly as she reached his bed. Y/N got onto his bed and kicked the pillows off his bed accidentally ripping some of them as she tried to change his bed. She felt like something was out of place on his bed and decided she needed to scent it but his bed sheets were not clean. He's such a messy beta. Y/N spent an hour trying to make his room better but she didn't like it as there was so many things wrong in his room. "How did you get on little wolf," Jisung asked as he pulled the bandana off. "I hate this room," Y/N growled. "You want to tell me why?" Jisung asked curiously, a devious smirk smacked across his face as he looked at the grumpy omega. "There's nothing of me in here," Y/N whispered. "What was that?" Jisung teased. "I said you need to wash your clothes. Now!" Y/N ordered, throwing a bundle of clothes at him. "Authoritative, I like it," Jisung stated as he headed down towards the washroom.

Y/N rolled her eyes and walked towards Chan's room subconsciously. It seemed to be her safe space at the moment but now it felt like she had kicked him out of his room since he was never in it. Y/N didn't know what to do. She felt like a judgemental idiot for judging Chan. Even though she felt conflicted, used and abused the thought of judging someone so wrongly made her feel terrible and she wanted to make it right. Sighing she placed her head on his door as she tried to come up with a plan. Should I make a nest in his room? Would he like that? Aish, Jisung said a wolf would appreciate it. But what if he doesn't and he hates it? I guess you could always move it back. Y/N headbutted the door in frustration. She was afraid to mess up an alphas room but she also wanted to show how sorry she was. With all the courage she could muster she opened the door and stood in the room like a lost puppy.  She had no idea where to start.

"I guess moving the bed back. He might like that." Y/N said to herself before walking over to the bed and pushing it back to the wall. Once that was there she got to work. Chan's desk once sat by the door was now moved to the left side of the room so it faced the whole of the room. His bed sheets were completely changed into his spare ones. Y/N even threw his dirty washing on the bed to try and scent his sheets with his scent before she rolled around the bed scenting it with her scent. Y/N did this until she got embarrassed and realised she had just rolled around his sheets with his dirty clothes. It felt intimate. Growling to herself she threw his clothes back into the wash basket and continued with her nest-making. She found the bags of pillows Changbin brought and added the ones that matched Chan's room. Y/N dotted them around his room, adding one to his armchair to his desk chair. She even draped a blanket over his desk chair. The last thing Y/N did was wash his clothes which led to her having a squabble with Jisung in the washroom all because she removed his wet clothes and dumped them on the side. Y/N admitted she felt incredibly proud of herself but there was a sense of fear that started to seep into her stomach. What if Chan didn't like it?

There was nothing she could do now. Chan had already arrived home and was in the kitchen talking to the others. All Y/N had to do was get the alpha into his room show him and then run away. It was a simple plan yet it wasn't. Y/N was a massive wimp. Get the alpha. Run away. Once Y/N had psyched herself up she ran down the stairs straight into the kitchen, making a beeline for the alpha who had just put his bags down. As soon as Y/N's hands found his arm she pulled him him across the room dragging him up the stairs with her. "I have to show you something." Y/N breathed out nervously as she looked between him and the bedroom door. "What is it little wolf," Chan questioned. He could smell how nervous she was and he had no clue what he was about to find in his room. He wondered if she completely destroyed it out of anger like his bathroom he later discovered. "Look. I have never ever done this before so if you don't like it I'll change it back. Jisung kind of had to teach me how to do it. Ugh, I'm such a useless omega. I only wanted to say that I was sorry." Y/N spat out in frustration. "Woah. Woah. What is it?" Chan asked. "I made a nest. In your room. To say I am sorry that I judged you. Ugh you're going to hate it." Chan grabbed Y/N by her waist pulling her back into him. She didn't run only kept her head down. "Little wolf look at me," Chan commanded. He didn't like the way she was fretting. If anything it made Chan's heart swell at her efforts. He didn't expect any of this, especially after last night. "Show me what you did for me." 

Chan followed Y/N into his room to see the nest she had made for him. He noticed she put his bed back to where it was but changed a few things. It made Chan's heart burst with love when he smelled his scent mixed in the room with hers. It was her careful attention to detail and his feelings that made his wolf purr in delight. She had considered everything in hopes Chan would appreciate it and he did. He felt so much gratitude that he didn't even know how to express it. "Y/N it's perfect. You have no idea how much I appreciate this." Chan whispered as he pulled her towards him, lifting his head up with his hands to look at her silver eyes. "You really like it? I really tried. I practised in Jisungs room but it was a mess." Chan's heart tightened. Has she never made a nest before? My poor sweet omega.  "It's perfect omega. You can make a nest anytime you like in my room." Chan promised. "I am sorry for accusing you. I had no right to say what I said. You were allowed to have expectations of an omega. I had them once until I met Hongjoong and everything changed but I should have tried to understand you." Chan shushed the little omega she didn't have to apologise anymore. They were both wrong. "My sweet little wolf. We are both wrong, I should have been more patient with you. None of this has ever been your fault." Chan assured as he stroked her face with his large hands. Y/N removed his hands from her face and pushed herself onto her tiptoes to place a soft kiss on the alpha's lips. Chan hadn't expected her to kiss him but she did. Chan knew then she felt safe with him.

[suhkusa]

EGOIST 19.

PAIRING. Atsumu Miya x f!Reader

CW. hurthurt hurt!!!!, no comfort at all, angst, any other words that describe hurt or angst then yes

A/N. ;-;

-> MASTERLIST.

Angie [10:02AM]: URE the one who took those pics. i just happened to find them

Angie [10:02AM]: who do you think uploaded that picture of sakusa n that girl? lol u can finally get ur mind off of her now

Angie [10:03AM]: what do u say? u tryna come over or what ;)

You drop his phone. The feeling of absolute dread that you’re feeling is something you’d never wish on anyone. Not even your worst enemies.

You can feel your heartbeat pick up the pace. It feels like your heart is physically breaking. Everything that you thought you had let go is coming back to haunt you.

You should’ve known better. You did know better. But you’re weak. Just that weak little girl in high school who let Atsumu Miya walk all over her as he pleased.

He took that picture? He sent it to someone who then posted it? He is sleeping around while claiming he “loves” you?

There’s tears that are falling that you hadn’t even noticed.

You’re a fool. Nothing short of it. Anyone could tell you that you were. Trying to date someone who absolutely hated your guts for no reason? You’re a pathetic fool.

You quickly grab your keys from the coffee table, you need to leave. You’re heading for the front door when the shutting of another door catches you off guard.

“Y/N?” he starts, “where are you going?”

Him saying your name sent pure dread through your body. And him asking that stupid question made you see red.

“Don’t you fucking dare act stupid, Atsumu,” you snap at him as you turn around, your eyes meet his confused ones, “You know what you fucking did,”

Atsumu’s eyes snap between yours and his phone before he’s the one who looks betrayed. 

“You searched through my phone?”

“Yes! And good thing I did, because when were you going to tell me? Hm?” you yell, “You were the one who took that picture?” 

His eyes widen, “Y-Yeah, but it was never my intention to let it get out like that,”

“Boo fucking who, Atsumu! It’s out, so now what? Me and Kiyoomi’s reputation is tarnished!” there’s tears streaming down your face, “And tell me, who is Angie? Really?”

“She’s-”

“Oh! Let me guess, she’s another girl you fuck and love so much, right?”

“No! I ended shit with her a while ago!” he’s getting heated too, you can tell.

“And when was that exactly?”

There’s silence.

“Before the playoffs,” 

“And did you sleep with her?” you push.

“I didn’t want to, she-”

“The day before you asked me on a date?” you sob, “I should’ve known- there were so many signs, I never fucking learn,”

“Y/N,” he’s walking towards you, reaching out for you, “I’m sorry, but you have to understand,”

You slap his hands away from you, “Don’t touch me Atsumu! You don’t get to apologize to me, your apologies mean absolutely nothing,”

“You’re not letting me talk!”

“Because I don’t want to hear it!” you yell at him, “All I’ve done is hear you out and give you chances, and look where it’s gotten me!”

Atsumu looks at you dejectedly.

“I love you, Y/N!” now he sounds like he’s about to cry. “I’m sorry it took me so long but I love you,”

You’re sobbing as he tries to get you to hear him, he comes onto you and embraces you in a warm hug. A hug that would’ve comforted you a while ago, but now all it makes you feel is disgusted.

“I’m sorry I keep fucking up, but everything I’ve done for you is genuine. I want you so fucking bad it makes my head hurt, so bad I want to die,” he’s pleading with you, and all you can feel is pity for him.

“Just stay with me please, I haven’t even gotten the chance to make it official with you. There’s so much shit I wanted to do with you, you don’t get it,” he begs, he’s hugging onto you like you’re going to disappear into thin air. His own tears are wetting your- his- shirt.

Your heart strings are being tugged every which way, and you’ve had enough.

“Atsumu,” you say calmly.

You can hear him sniffle, before he backs up off of you.

You take in his appearance and find it absolutely crazy how there was a point in time that he was making you cry and feel worthless. You’ve got a man who was once filled with pride and ego, essentially down on his knees begging and crying for you. 

“Whatever this is between us, done. I want absolutely nothing to do with you ever again. If you try to reach out to me in any shape or form, I won’t hesitate to call the cops on you,” he sniffles in between each of your words, “Goodbye, Miya,”

You unlock the door before walking out. Not even sparing a glance back at Atsumu.

Leaving him alone with all of his own despair.

———

It’s been a couple days and Atsumu is distraught. He doesn’t know what to do. He feels like he’s tried everything. 

If this was months ago, he would’ve let you walk away with no retorts. But this was now, and now he was in love with you. And it feels like if he lets you go now, everything he’s done would have been for nothing.

You changed him. You, the girl whose life he basically ruined in high school, changed Atsumu Miya in ways he would have never expected. You made him feel like there was something to care about. Like there was purpose in his life. That maybe he didn’t have to be a dick to every woman he meets in his life. 

You didn’t even have to try was the worst part. You didn’t do anything to get him to change, being in your presence was enough. And now he had nothing.

He tried calling anyone who would know where you are, even Kiyoomi.

“It doesn’t concern you, Atsumu,” Kiyoomi responded.

“So you know? Is she okay at least,” the blonde pleads.

“It doesn’t concern you, stop calling me,” is all he gives Atsumu before hanging the call up.

The beeping noise echoes in Atsumu’s head when he realizes there’s one more person he hadn’t checked with.

He gets in his car as fast as he possibly can and races for the Jackal’s practice facility. The place where he saw you for the first time.

When he pulls into the parking lot, he sees a familiar car exit the lot. Your car. He speeds into the building and heads to the Coach’s office.

“Coach!” Atsumu’s disheveled look catches Foster off guard.

“Atsumu? Yes, what is wrong?”

“Why was Y/N here? I just saw her car?” he needs to know, he needs to.

“Did she not tell you?” 

Atsumu’s world stops.

“Y/N resigned,”

© all writings belongs to suhkusa 2024. do not repost or change.

[erabundus]

@ruinlost &&. said... ❛ we can be your family. ,you get two cool brothers-❜ farrow @ the modern verse !

❝  m'not  crying.  ❞  the  boy  insists  —  though  his  red  eyes  and  trembling  voice  tell  a  different  story.  there's  a  newspaper  clutched  between both  hands,  text  smudged  slightly  by  droplets  of  moisture.  even  so,  the  name  emblazoned  across  the  front  is  DISGUSTINGLY  familiar.  a  rising  star.  a  prodigy  on  the  stage.  beneath  the  title  is  a  photograph.  the  grayscale  doesn't  properly  convey  the  extravagance  of  his  outfit;  it  all  blurs  together,  some  indecipherable  mass  of  patterns  and  tones.  there  are  petals  strewn  about,  gone  blurry  around  the  edges  with  movement,  and  in  his  hands  he  cradles  a  bouquet.  it's  a  little  funny;  he's  smiling.  it's  a  little  funny  because  he  knows  what  kind  of  bitter  thoughts  swirl  behind  that  CHEERFUL  seeming  expression.  it's  all  fake.  it's  all  a  lie.  he's  just  reflecting  what  he  thinks  everyone  wants  to  see  —  maybe  then,  maybe  if  he's  perfect,  someone  will  actually  start  to  CARE.

❝  i  told  her  what  day  the  performance  was  on.  she  knew  it  was  important.  she  had  to  know.  ❞  ren  scrubs  at  his  face  with  the  back  of  his  hand.  a  tremor  runs  through  his  frame  anew  as  he  mutters,  ❝  why ...  why  does  everything  else  always  come  before  me?  why  is  she  always  so  busy?  why  am  i  never  GOOD  enough?  ❞  he  punctuates  the  question  by  crumpling  the  paper  in  his  hand  and  throwing  it  —  though  its  light  weight  doesn't  afford  it  much  distance.  back  pressing  to  the  wall,  ren then  slides  to  the  ground.  he's  glad  they're  the  only  ones  who  really  frequent  this  corner  of  the  rec  center;  he  doesn't  want  anyone  else  to  SEE  HIM  like  this.  (  pathetic.  ugly.  flawed.  )   ❝  i  just  want  her  to  remember  i  exist.  ❞ he mutters, burying his face in his knees. ❝ and act like she's my mom ...  ��

but  that's  entirely  the  PROBLEM,  isn't  it?  it's  almost  like  she  doesn't  want  to.  he's  old  enough  to  recognize  the  way  she  looks  at  him  —  as  if  he's  something  PAINFUL  to  stare  at.  he  doesn't  understand.  why  was  he  even  born  if  his  own  parent  can't  stand  having  him  around?

we  can  be  your  family.  ❝  ...  ❞  and  slowly,  slowly  ren  looks  up  at  farrow's  response.  there  are  tears  streaming  down  his  face  anew.  there's  a  pathetic  sniffle,  and  another  ill-fated  effort  to  wipe  them  away.  ❝  you  can  do  that?  ❞  he  asks,  genuine  confusion  filling  his  voice  —  as  if  it's  a  completely  new  concept.  a  slow  blink.  then,  tilting  his  head,  ❝  do  you ...  really  want  to?  ❞  he  doesn't  even  know  what  that  would  realistically  entail  —  only  that  he  wants  nothing  more  than  to  say  yes.  (  hear  yes  in  return.  )

someone. anyone. please care about him. please care about him. please care about him.

ANGST SENTENCE STARTERS

[robininthelabyrinth]

Mo Xuanyu is banished from Koi Tower, but manages to take Wen Ning (or maybe a captured Nie Mingjue, your choice) with him. Now he has to figure out what to do with a well known fierce corpse. [🎶🎶 anon]

Crybabies - ao3

“Okay,” Xue Yang said, looking up at the ceiling with an expression that suggested he wanted to kill something and probably would, very soon. “What are you crying about now?”

“I don’t have any friends,” Mo Xuanyu explained. Xue Yang wasn’t allowed to kill him – Jin Guangyao said it would be politically inconvenient – so he felt moderately safe around the other man.

“What am I?” Xue Yang said. “Dirt?”

“Way too scary to be friends with someone like me.”

“…good point,” Xue Yang said. “You are kind of pathetic. A real crybaby.”

Mo Xuanyu was pretty used to statements like this.

“Actually,” Xue Yang said, and smiled. “That gives me an idea.”

-

Mo Xuanyu did not like Xue Yang’s idea.

“I don’t want these types of friends!” he wailed at the door, then, sniffling, turned around. “No offense meant.”

The two fierce corpses stared back at him.

“I’m sure you’re very nice,” Mo Xuanyu said, voice wavering. “Just very, uh…dead.”

Xue Yang cackled from outside the door. “I even took out their controls, just for you!” he sang out. “All the crybabies together in a single room. Have fun!”

And then his footsteps went away.

Shaking, sniffling, Mo Xuanyu turned to look at the two fierce corpses. It turned out they were chained to the wall, which was a bit of a relief.

“…are you the other crybabies?” he asked, curiosity temporarily overwhelming him. There was no one else in the room but them, but it seemed implausible.

Implausible, but apparently correct: tears started dripping down the face of one of the corpses.

“I want to go home,” he said, sounding genuinely miserable.

Mo Xuanyu looked at the other corpse.

“I want to go to his home,” he said, ducking his head and stuttering a little. He didn’t cry, but his eyes wrinkled up, like he wanted to but couldn’t. “It sounds nice.”

Mo Xuanyu had never heard of a home that sounded nice before.

“What’s it like?” he asked.

-

Mo Xuanyu really hated disappointing people.

It sometimes felt like he’d never done anything else: disappointed his mother when his father lost interest in him and stopped visiting, disappointed his aunt and her family by existing, disappointed his father after he turned out to be useless after he’d gone to all the effort of bringing him back to Lanling City, disappointed his teachers, disappointed his half-brother Jin Guangyao, disappointed – everyone, really.

So when he heard that he was probably going to get kicked out of Lanling, it wasn’t really a surprise. He’d long outworn his welcome, after all.

But then he also heard that they planned to send him back to Mo Manor and just – no.

He couldn’t.

He’d just have to disappoint everyone one more time.

“I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to do this,” Wen Ning said, rubbing his wrists as if it would help return the circulation he didn’t have. “Friends or no friends.”

“They said I was going to have to go home,” Mo Xuanyu said, shivering from terror at the mere thought. “I don’t want to go back to my home. I want to go to his home.”

A-Jue wiped his eyes with his sleeve and sniffed. He was the biggest crybaby of the lot of them, but it wasn’t his fault; according to Wen Ning, he’d lost a big part of his memory and higher order thinking skills when he’d become a fierce corpse and spent any time that he wasn’t murdering people in a crazy frenzy of rage on Jin Guangyao’s orders at the mental age of about seven or eight.

It also didn’t help that, out of the three of them, he was Jin Guangyao’s favorite.

It was not a good thing, being Jin Guangyao’s favorite.  

“We’re going home?” he asked, looking between them, watery eyes and all. “Will Sangsang be there?”

“Maybe?” Mo Xuanyu said, and looked at Wen Ning, who shrugged helplessly. Neither of them had any younger siblings, and Wen Ning hadn’t known anything about politics long before he’d died; he’d been in the dark rather deliberately. “Hopefully.”

“We should try to avoid being seen,” Wen Ning said wisely. “I have an idea.”

-

“This cart stinks,” A-Jue mumbled, knees pulled to his chest. Even folded up, he was nearly as big as Mo Xuanyu was stretched out. “I hate radishes.”

“I hate radishes too,” Wen Ning said. He looked like he wished he could cry, looking at them, but then again he looked like that a lot; he’d been the first one brought back, so he hadn’t kept the ability to actually shed tears, which was awful and unfair and something they’d have to fix as soon as they had some time and weren’t being chased.

“This was your idea,” Mo Xuanyu pointed out.

“I said it’d work, I didn’t say we’d enjoy it,” Wen Ning said, and Mo Xuanyu had to admit he had a point. No one would look for two fierce corpses and one runaway teenager in the back of a radish cart, and the farmer driving them in the general direction of Qinghe had been more than happy to accept some gold in exchange for not saying a word about them.

(“How d’you know I won’t take your money and sell you out anyway?” he’d asked before they set out.

“Because if you did, we’d prioritize ripping your throat out before we got captured?” Wen Ning suggested. Mo Xuanyu elbowed A-Jue, who obligingly stretched out his hand to demonstrate the length of his reach, the strength of his arm, and the length of his sharp nails.

“…good reason.”)

The ride only got them a day or so of travel north before the farmer had to make a turn that led him further away from Qinghe rather than towards, but they were in the countryside, not a city, and that was already something.

“We can make the rest by foot,” Wen Ning decided, and A-Jue put Mo Xuanyu on his back so that he wouldn’t slow them down. It was surprisingly comfortable. “I hope you’re right about your sect, A-Jue.”

“I am,” A-Jue said. “Sangsang will be there. He’ll know what to do.”

“Isn’t he only two years old?” Mo Xuanyu asked suspiciously.

“If I’m big, he’s big,” A-Jue pointed out. “And if I’m dead, he’s sect leader. It’ll be fine.”

-

Mo Xuanyu was nominated to be the one to go in and try to get an audience with the sect leader of Qinghe on account of him being the only one not dead.

It was a very compelling argument.

He got into the main city without a problem, gate or no gate, and then walked up to one of the guards outside the main clan complex. “Uh,” he said, fidgeting. “How do I get to see the sect leader?”

The guards looked at him in pity.

“Tell us what you want him for and we can direct you to the appropriate person to help you,” one of them said, not without kindness.

“I’m pretty sure the sect leader is the appropriate person, though…”

“Maybe you haven’t heard,” the other said. “But Sect Leader Nie isn’t actually good at anything.”

“I’m supposed to find him,” Mo Xuanyu said stubbornly. “Just him.”

“Kid. Listen. It’s not happening.”

Mo Xuanyu knew he’d screw this up. “Can you at least pass on a message?” he said hopelessly. “Tell Sangsang that I have something he’d be interested in –”

“Hold up,” the first guard said. “Sangsang?”

“…isn’t that his name?”

The two guards looked at each other. “Maybe you should go in,” the second one said.

“In fact,” the first one said. “We’re going to insist on it.”

-

“Please stop crying,” the young man with the fan and the frills said. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“I’m under arrest!” Mo Xuanyu howled, tears and snot streaming down his face. “I’ve never been under arrest before!”

“I’m pretty sure that was just an overreaction,” the young man said soothingly. “They didn’t really arrest you, they were just being mean and exaggerating. Weren’t they?”

He looked at the two guards by the door, and Mo Xuanyu followed his gaze.

They both nodded.

“Sorry,” one of them said.

“Didn’t mean it,” the other said.

“Big mistake.”

“Won’t happen again.”

“Do you accept their apology?” the young man said, and Mo Xuanyu nodded. “Good, good. Now go – no, not you, them. You stay where you are.”

Mo Xuanyu sheepishly sat back down.

“Now,” the young man said, putting his elbows on the table. “You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?”

“Uh, maybe?” Mo Xuanyu said. “I was at the Jin sect for a while, but they kicked me out.”

The young man blinked, then his eyes narrowed thoughtfully. “Oh,” he said. “I see. No wonder you’re scared of getting arrested.”

Mo Xuanyu wasn’t sure he understood the connection. Wasn’t being arrested scary everywhere?

“Different question,” the young man said. He was playing with his fan in his hands and not really looking at Mo Xuanyu directly, which was a relief; it made him feel like the other man didn’t really care that much about the answer. “The Nie sect leader…who told you he was called Sangsang?”

“Uh,” Mo Xuanyu said. “It’s a bit complicated. You see, he doesn’t remember things very well, but A-Jue said –”

The fan snapped in two in the young man’s suddenly clenched hands.

-

It turned out that Nie Huaisang – that was the sect leader’s actual name – was just as much of a crybaby as the rest of them, which he really should have made clear from the beginning. Mo Xuanyu wouldn’t have been nearly as afraid of him if he’d known that.

As it was, he was still hugging a somewhat confused A-Jue (mostly marveling at how large his Sangsang had gotten) and crying his heart out while blubbering a whole lot of incoherent things, so Wen Ning patted the ground next to him and Mo Xuanyu went to sit.

“Is this a good sign?” he checked, and Wen Ning nodded.

“The Nie sect is pretty strong,” he said. “They’ll be able to protect us. Well, the two of you, anyway, I don’t know about me –”

“I don’t think surnames are really the most important thing right now,” Nie Huaisang said, finally pulling away and wiping his red eyes. “You helped bring my da-ge back home; you can stay as long as you like.”

“It really is a nice home,” Mo Xuanyu whispered to Wen Ning, who looked a little impressed.

“I told you,” A-Jue said proudly. He still had an arm wrapped around Nie Huaisang and wasn’t letting go – they’d offered to help Nie Huaisang out of his grip earlier, but he’d politely refused – and he seemed to be settling in very well to his older brother role. It was a bit strange to adjust to, but he was still A-Jue in the end. “I have the best home.”

“It’s nice enough,” Nie Huaisang said, still a bit teary-eyed. “Right. Enough feelings. I need you to tell me everything you remember about your time in Lanling.”

“…everything?” Mo Xuanyu said.

“Everything relevant,” Nie Huaisang clarified.

“You’re not going to like it,” Wen Ning said.

“Probably not, no. Tell me anyway.”

-

Mo Xuanyu patted Nie Huaisang on the back as he started trying to throw up again – it was all bile and dry heaves by now. It was a human failing that they shared, and the fierce corpses didn’t, although they were sympathetic enough.

“It’s not that bad,” Wen Ning offered. “We’re not really – awake, during much of it. The worst parts.”

That didn’t seem to help.

“He mostly only got mad at me,” A-Jue said, hovering anxiously. “He didn’t like that I didn’t remember him. Said it was no fun. So he didn’t spend that much time with me.”

“I hate him,” Nie Huaisang said. His voice was raspy, his eyes red, and he looked a little bit scary. “I’m going to destroy him.”

“Okay,” A-Jue said at once, because he was a big old softie as well as a crybaby. “We can destroy him. No problem. Just don’t be sad, Sangsang.”

Nie Huaisang’s lip trembled, which rather destroyed the scary effect. “Okay, da-ge,” he said. “I won’t be sad. You’re going to stay here at home with me, and then we’ll focus on making you better, okay?”

“Uh,” Wen Ning said.

“Not the corpse thing,” Nie Huaisang clarified. “The – memory thing.”

“You can fix that?” Mo Xuanyu said, surprised. “How? Senior Jin and Senior Xue both tried really hard and couldn’t manage it.”

“Yes, well,” Nie Huaisang said, and rubbed his eyes. “They don’t know that da-ge was a little kid the first time he picked up Baxia. I think that dying cut off his connection to her, and that she kept everything that was – you know – after. So maybe reconnecting them…”

“That means you’ll be grown up again!” Mo Xuanyu said to A-Jue, who seemed pleased. “That’s great.”

“I’m going to need your help, though,” Nie Huaisang said. He was mostly looking at Wen Ning. “No matter what da-ge says, you helped do – a lot of things, and if we’re going to bring down Jin Guangyao…I’m going to need help.”

“We’ll help you,” Mo Xuanyu said, and Wen Ning nodded. “I mean, we’re not – really helpful. We’re kind of all a bunch of crybabies. But whatever we can do, we will!”

“I appreciate that,” Nie Huaisang said. “Also, don’t underestimate crybabies.”

He smiled.

“We’re a lot more dangerous than you might think.”

[heximagines]

I want to make a request for Eddie <3 (my first request ever)

I’m thinking about reader being kinda in love with Steve but he breaks her heart with a good ANGSTY thing. So Eddie is there for her and keep showing her how much she deserves someone better, so fluffy ending with them being cuties with each other and Steve realizing his mistake idk (i like when they suffer) 🫣 so yeeesss plz and thank youuuu 💕💕

Your first request! I'm honored. 🖤🖤🖤 I hope you love it.

Steve Harrington was a fucking moron. At least Eddie figured he had to be because here you were. Sweet, perfect you sitting on the edge of his bed with tears streaming down your beautiful face. He reached forward and wiped your cheeks with his thumbs. You leaned into the touch and sniffled in a way that made you feel pathetic. "I'm sorry you have to deal with me right now. I'm so humiliated." "Hey," Eddie shook his head, "don't you apologize to me. And I don't deal with you, I care about you. You're my friend y/n." You gave him a wavering smile that didn't quite light up your eyes like when you were genuinely happy. His heart ached at the sight and he pulled you in for a tight hug. You melted gladly into Eddie's warm, comforting touch. "You wanna tell me what happened? You don't have to if you don't want." You buried your face in his chest and Eddie hoped that you couldn't feel how it made his heart pound. He also hoped his deodorant was holding up. You give no indication that either of those things were a problem. "He totally led me on… I thought he really liked me." 'Of course,' Eddie thought, 'typical popular asshole behavior. Into one girl only until another walks by.' "But you should have seen him Ed, the second Nancy Wheeler walked into the party he practically shoved me off of him! And he was totally up her ass, dude. They broke up like a year ago." Eddie scoffed, "Doesn't that chick have a boyfriend anyway? God what a douche." "Exactly!" You looked up at him with big watery eyes and Eddie wanted nothing more than to kiss you. Kiss you until you forgot all about stupid Steve Harrington. Until he was the only guy on your mind. But he didn't, instead he wiped away more fresh tears. "Don't worry about Harrington. He wouldn't know a good thing if it ran up and kicked him in the balls. I'm pretty sure he's got hair where his brain is supposed to be." You couldn't stop yourself from chuckling and your friend's eyes lit up at the sound. He grinned and flopped back onto the bed, taking you with him. "That's more like it. I want to hear more of that." His fingertips lightly grazed along your sides. You let out a squeak and tried to wriggle away but Eddie wasn't having it. Soon you were crying from laughter as he tickled you relentlessly. 

Finally when your face was red and your laughter tapered off to wheezing his fingers stilled and he wrapped his arms back around you. You took deep gulps of air before pressing your cheek against his shoulder. Idly your hand rubbed over the spots on his chest where your tears soaked through his Hellfire shirt. "Sorry about that…" Eddie scoffed, "What did I say about apologizing?" You looked up at him with a smile that was just a tad bit less sad this time and he gave you a squeeze. "Seriously though, that guy doesn't even deserve you. You're so much better than him. You're the coolest person in this whole  shithole town." Eddie stared up at the ceiling as he spoke, too afraid that if he looked at you you'd see something in his eyes he wasn't ready to say. "You think so?" It nearly killed him how soft and vulnerable you sounded right then. "Absolutely. I've thought so since the first day we met." Your fingers came up to play with the ends of Eddie's hair. You were so glad you ditched out on the rest of that lame party to be here with him instead. "Can I stay here tonight?" "Any time you want," he said without a second thought. 

Eddie was in the living room sorting through his movie collection when he heard your soft steps padding up behind him. "Hey, do you wanna watch a horror or a co-me-dy-" his voice tapered off when he turned to see you in his clothes. Sure he had offered them to you, and he knew you were going to put them on, but he couldn't explain how it felt to see you in his shirt and sweatpants. He swallowed dryly and was glad you didn't seem to notice his nerves. "Hmm, how about both? You have Fright Night yeah?" God you were the woman of his dreams. "You know I do." He grabbed the movie and started putting the others back when there was a knock at the door. "I think that's the pizza. Can you grab it? There's cash on the counter." You nod and snag the 20 off the counter before opening the door. To your dismay you were met with Sam Barnes, a friend of Steve's. He seemed equally as surprised to see you. In Eddie Munson's trailer, wearing Eddie Munson's clothes. You trade him the cash for the pizza and after a tense pause he asks if you wanted any change. Eddie, having finished his task, was now behind you taking the box from your hands. "No worries man, keep the change," he waves him off. You give Sam a tight lipped smile and a nod while he continues to look at you like you've grown 5 extra heads. Finally you just close the door on him. "I think you stunned the delivery guy with how cute you look," it slips out before Eddie can stop it and you laugh, feeling your cheeks heat up. "No, I don't think that was it." 

You make yourself comfy on the couch with a slice of pizza and a blanket in your lap while Eddie turns off the lights and hits play on the VCR. He came to join you on the couch, hesitating before sitting on the opposite side. You frown a bit at the distance. Scooting closer to him you take the blanket and cover his lap too before lifting Eddie's arm and tucking yourself under it. His face flushed and he looked down at you. "Miss me?" "You're nice and warm," you shrug before turning your attention to the screen. Eddie smiled and leaned his head against yours. Steve Harrington was definitely a moron. 

"I'm telling you man! With Eddie "The Freak" Munson, wearing his clothes," Sam banged his hands on the counter of Scoops Ahoy. Steve looked completely flabbergasted, and his coworker Robin added a tally to her board. "Sounds like you fumbled that one real bad, Stevie boy," she tisked. He whipped his ridiculous hat off and tossed it at her. "Don't call me that, and cover me for a minute. I gotta make a call." Steve hopped over the counter before Robin could protest and took off towards the pay phones. He dialed your number and waited. After a tense few moments your sister answered. "Julie, where's y/n. I have to talk to her." She scoffed over the line, "She's not home. She's busy." "She's not home or she's busy?" Steve was already agitated. "Both. Bye." The line went dead and Steve banged his head against the wall. He had majorly fucked up. Later that afternoon, once he was off work, he drove by your house only to see your car wasn't there. He chewed his lower lip before popping a U-turn and heading in the direction of the trailer park. 

You had spent pretty much the whole weekend at Eddie's, minus a run home to grab some clothes and tell your sister about the party. Honestly you had missed Eddie. Since you and Steve started seeing each other a few months ago the two of you couldn't seem to get any hang out time anymore. You hated that. You never wanted to be one of those people who let their relationship mess up their friendships. So now you sat on the picnic bench a few feet from Eddie's trailer and he was teaching you how to roll a joint. "Fuck this looks sad," you laugh. "It's not sad!" He defended your work as if it were his own. "It's just got character. I bet you it's perfectly smokable." "Only one way to find out," you hold up your lighter. And sure enough Eddie was right, your joint may not have been as good as his were but it was indeed very smokable. And the one you rolled after that was even better. And the third one you rolled? "Holy shit, it's perfect. This is the Mona Lisa of joints, y/n." You giggle uncontrollably and Eddie holds your joint up to the sky like an ancient artifact he'd discovered. "I almost don't want to smoke it… Almost." He turned to you, beaming at your laughter. "Can't light it without this." You dangle the lighter in front of his face. Eddie reaches out to grab it and you yank your arm back, laughing at him. "Oh is that what we're doing now?" He tucked the rolly securely behind his ear before making another grab at the lighter. You hop up on the table and climb over to the other side. Soon Eddie was chasing you.

Steve pulled into the trailer park and cut his engine. Getting out, he heard you before he saw you. He followed the sound of your laughter and watched as Eddie Munson chased you around a picnic table. He stopped short and so did you. He faked you out before finally managing to grab you around the waist, hauling you up off the ground. The way you laughed and squealed made Steve's chest hurt. You never sounded that happy with him, you never laughed that hard or smiled that big. Steve wished he never ditched you at that party, he'd completely blown his chance for a girl he'd already lost. Part of him wanted to march down there and fight Eddie on the spot to win you back. But he had been knocked down enough pegs the past year to know when he was beat. He gave you one last glance before turning around and heading back to his car. 

[arvinsescape]

Time to Heal.

A/N: A bit of a different sort of writing for me that deals with emotional abuse, whilst i have never dealt with this personally, i know a couple of people who have and if anyone struggles with this or has my inbox is always open.

Summary: Reader finds herself in an emotionally abusive relationship and Tom shows her what real love looks like.

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of emotional abuse, one mention of blood and i think that’s everything.

W/C: 2.4K.

You’d always thought that this moment should be one of the happiest in your life but here you were stood in a room full of a people with a man on one knee for you and it all felt wrong. You weren’t happy like you thought you would have been. You wished he hadn’t done this in front of all these people. You wished it wasn’t him asking. The man on one knee in front of you was possibly one of the worst men you’d ever been in a relationship with. He didn’t love you and you knew that but he made you feel like that was the best you were going to get, what you deserved.

It never starts out that way, at first Aaron was lovely, he swept you off your feet when you weren’t expecting it. He took you on lovely dates, he made you laugh and then he started making comments, as soon as he learnt your insecurities he used them against you, he never tried to push them away, no, he made sure they were at the forefront of your mind.

It started at first as being something he would say in an argument, your clingy, you want too much, you’re too emotional. Then he’d apologise, told you he didn’t mean it, his anger got the better of him and every time you’d accept with another piece of confidence, until there was none left. Then his comments became regular until you truly believed what he said.

‘You should just leave him.’ One of your friends had said when you’d worked up the courage to confide in her but you couldn’t. It’s not as simple as that. By the time you’d worked up the courage to tell her Aaron had your insecurities exactly where he wanted them. You weren’t worthy of love or being truly happy. He isolated you from your friends, especially your male friends and that made you feel more alone.

He hated your best friends Tom and Harrison and you didn’t see either of them anymore unless it was at a mutual friends birthday. You’d wanted to confide in them but Aaron had been adamant to make sure you deleted their numbers and that shattered the last piece of confidence you had. It wasn’t like they hadn’t noticed, they texted you until Aaron got so angry he’d taken your phone and smashed it. He apologised and bought you a new one and promised it’d never happen again.

He hated Tom more than anyone else, of course you’d told him in the early stages of the relationship how you knew Tom and Harrison. You and Tom had been in a relationship, you’d grown close to Haz as a result but ultimately Tom’s career was taking off and you’d both made the decision to call it quits before any heartbreak and messiness arrived so you could salvage the friendship. Then three days ago Tom came to see you.

“Tom?” You said as you answered the door. You’d not seen him for a while now so you were surprised to see him at your door.

“I tried calling.” He’d said with a sad smile.

“Sorry, my phone’s switched off.” You tried to laugh it off.

“For the last two months?” He asked. He wasn’t angry, you could see it in his eyes, he was concerned.

“I got a new one, did I not text you?” You tried again.

“Can I come in?” You swallowed thickly as you moved to the side to let him in. Thank god Aaron was out for the day. “Harrison tried calling too.” He said as he watched you boil the kettle, your back to him.

“I’ve been busy.”

“Lucy called me. Said she’s not heard from you either.” You almost dropped the teaspoon you were holding. You’d not seen Lucy since you told her about Aaron. You didn’t say anything so he continued.

“She told me some things Y/N. About what he says to you.” He grasped your hand turning you to look at him but you couldn’t meet his eyes.

“He just gets angry sometimes.” You used Aaron’s words.

“He shouldn’t say things like that to you, it’s not right.” You still couldn’t meet his gaze. His hand was still holding yours as he drew soft circles into the back of it with his thumb. You missed his touch.

“He usually apologises.” You tried to defend him.

“Doesn’t make it right love. You deserve so much better than him.” He used his free hand to lift your chin so you were forced to look at him and the look of concern in his eyes was enough to bring tears to your own.

“I don’t though.” You whispered and you watched as something shifted behind his eyes, he looked heartbroken. Your tears fell for the first time in months, you’d became so numb to Aaron’s words that they didn’t make you cry anymore but the softness in Tom’s tone had tears streaming down your face.

He pulled you into his chest as he wrapped his arms around you and let you cry into his shirt. He placed the occasional kiss to the top of your head as his hands rubbed up and down your back in comfort. You stayed like that for at least ten minutes before you composed yourself but you stayed in his arms. It felt as safe as it always had.

“You deserve to be loved properly darling.” He said into your hair.

“But he’s right I’m too clingy, I’m too emotional and I expect to much from people.” You sniffled.

“You’re not clingy, you give all your love to the people you care about. You’re not too emotional, you wear your heart on your sleeve and that’s never a bad thing. You don’t expect too much from people because you should always seek to have people love you the way you love them.” He pulled you to look at him as he said it and the look in his eyes was so genuine you could tell he meant it.

“Who’s gonna want me now? I’m full of emotional baggage.” You whispered as you let a few more tears fall, voicing the fears as he caught your tears with his thumbs.

“You’re not full of baggage. You’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re funny and you love with everything you have in you, he doesn’t deserve you.” He gave you a small smile as he spoke. “I could go on for hours about all the amazing things about you.”

“Tom.” You sighed. “I don’t love him but I can’t leave him, I’m scared.” You admitted.

“Has he hit you?” Tom asked and it was so full of concern that a fresh wave of tears made their way down your face.

“No. He broke my phone once but no. I’m scared to leave him because I don’t want to end up alone.”

“You won’t. You’ll always have me and Harrison and Lucy, god the list goes on. We all still love you and we miss you.” He said as he wiped at your tears again. He was being so tender with you and you hadn’t felt that for a long time. You hadn’t felt loved. “You’ll always have me.” He said again.

“Tom- “Your voice broke and whatever you were going to say got caught in your throat.

“I’ll always look after you. I’ll make sure you always have everything you need. I’ll make sure you’re always safe.”

“I still love you Tom.” You admitted as you cried into his chest again.

“I still love you.”

He’d tried to convince you to go home with him that day but something stopped you and you can’t explain what it was and now here you were at Lucy’s birthday party which Aaron had reluctantly let you attend and Aaron was down on one knee for you. You looked around the room as you caught those brown eyes that you loved so much and he was staring right back at the scene unfolding before him. Tears in his beautiful eyes.

“I’ll always look after you. I’ll make sure you always have everything you need. I’ll make sure you’re always safe.”

“I still love you.”

You pulled your hand from Aaron’s as you felt a sort of confidence you’d not had for a long time as Aaron stood, following your gaze.

“I fucking knew it.” Aaron grumbled next to you and your eyes darted back to him. He was angrier than you’d ever seen him before and it frightened you. “Him?” He laughed but there was no humour in it.

“Aaron I’m-” You tried to get out.

“Him? Really? I knew it.” He seethed at you. Everyone was staring. Lucy carefully approached and you watched as Harrison and Tom started to make their way over. As soon as Tom moved it caught Aaron’s gaze and his face twisted into one of pure anger. “Fucking Tom Holland.” He suddenly shouted as he practically ran at him, catching Tom off guard.

As soon as he reached Tom he raised his fist and placed a punch straight to his nose. You almost screamed in shock as you watched Harrison and Tuwaine tackle Aaron to the floor. Tom had stumbled and was holding his nose. It was bleeding. You made your way straight over.

“Tom, oh my god, Tom, are you okay?” You asked as you took his face in your hands. He looked down at you for a second and smiled before nodding slightly and tilting his head back. “Is it broken?” You panicked.

“No.” Tom said as someone handed him a load of tissues. Aaron’s laughter pulled you from your concern over Tom. You twisted round to look at him as Tom snaked an arm around your waist and pulled your back to his chest. Aaron was stood now, Harrison and Tuwaine were still ready to jump to the defence again if they had to.

“You,” he started as he pointed at you, “are a pathetic little bitch who pines after a man who’ll throw you away as soon as someone better comes along and that won’t be hard to find.”

“Watch your mouth.” Harrison warned as he stood in front of you. Tom had recovered now, stopping the bleeding. Aaron laughed again as he made his way towards the exit.

“You know what Tom, you’re welcome to her. She’s a frigid little fucker anyway. Doesn’t put out often.” He said as he laughed. You watched as anger flared in Tom’s face. He let go of your waist as he went to follow him. You tried to grasp his arm but he was too quick. Harrison stepped in.

“Tom, she needs you.” He said as he gestured towards you. Everyone was still staring at what had just happened and it made you self-conscious as you wrapped your arms around yourself. Tom’s anger died down instantly, Haz was right, you needed him.

“Come on.” He said as he took your hand and led you into the women’s bathroom. Once he made sure no one was in there, he locked the door and took your face in his hands.

“Are you okay?” He asked softly and you laughed sadly.

“Me? He bust your nose.” You said as you grabbed a few paper towels, wetting them and cleaning the blood that was still on his face.

“Worth it.” He laughed lightly.

“I’m so sorry Tom.” You sighed after a few moments as you felt tears brim your eyes, throwing the paper towels away once you were satisfied he was clean.

“You have nothing to apologise for. He’s a dickhead and I’ll make sure he never comes anywhere near you again.” He said as he ran his fingers through your hair.

“I’m still sorry though.” You sighed.

He didn’t reply, he leant forward and placed a soft kiss to your forehead, then your cheeks before finally connecting your lips. It felt to good to feel his lips against yours again, you’d missed him. Missed all the love he gave and it made you cry again.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m gonna make it better, I promise.” He pulled you back into his chest and it filled you with a comfort you’d not had since he last held you like this.

“I love you.” You said.

“I love you too. I’m sorry we didn’t try and work through things last time. I know we wanted to salvage a friendship but I never stopped loving you. I want us to try again but when you’re ready.” He said as he kissed your head.

“I am Tom.” You said.

“No love you’re not. What he’s done to you needs time and you need to give yourself some time darling. I’ll still be here every step of the way but you need to heal yourself first, okay? We need to push those insecurities back but we need to do it properly, you need to love yourself again first.”

You thought about what he said for a while. He was right, jumping straight back into a relationship was not the best idea, no matter how much you loved him and he loved you. You needed to take some time for yourself, heal yourself and build back your confidence. You understood what he meant; he was still going to be there but he was going to be there as a best friend would.

You realised in that moment what it meant to truly love someone. He was being selfless so that you could heal, he was giving you time because that’s what you needed and he was doing that because he truly loved and cared for you.

“You’re right.” You nodded.

“I’ll still be here, still be there for you, I promise. It’ll take time but that’s okay, I’ll still be waiting but you have to promise you’ll take all the time you need.” He said as he placed a kiss to your forehead.

“I promise.”

[mochamamii]

yandere!taeyong: monster.

part two: Here

▹ a/n : I tried to write something a little outside my comfort zone. I've been enjoying writing Yandere stuff lately and I wanted to do a realistic take on the after effects of being kidnapped by a Yandere, and ultimately becoming pregnant. Like I always say, this is an example of a unhealthy relationship. In no way do I think Taeyong or any other member of NCT behaves this way.

▹ triggers : this gets kind of dark and It's very angsty. There's no smut but it gets a little suggestive at the end. Mentions of unwanted pregnancies, extreme weight loss, kidnapping, abusive relationships, etc. Please take all of this into consideration before you read. 

▹ description : yandere!taeyong kidnapped you and has been holding you hostage for months. Unfortunately you wind up pregnant and Taeyong has pledged to build a life with you, and your baby as a family. When Taeyong presents you with a choice, you realize that you’ve become permanently trapped by Taeyong forever.

your perspective

I grimaced as I looked back at my reflection in the mirror. My skin was extremely dull and paler than usual due to the lack of sun I'd been getting.

I looked nothing like myself, I had dropped a significant amount of weight in just a couple months. It's been hard keeping food down lately, I don't have an appetite for anything, and whatever I do eat I immediately throw up.

My arms and legs looked more like sticks than actual limbs, and places where I used to have feminine curves were replaced by hard angles.

I had even suffered some hair loss due to losing a drastic amount of weight in such a short period of time.

My grimace turned into a scowl as my eyes traveled down to my swollen belly.

I was reaching seven months pregnant, close to entering my third trimester. My body had become so thin and frail that it looked like I'd topple over due to my large belly.

My fists clenched tightly as I stared down at my stomach, as if the thing growing inside me could see me glaring down at them.

'I want you gone.' I thought to myself.

If I'm lucky, maybe this monster inside me will die of malnutrition.

I pinched my arm to shake the dangerous thoughts from my head.

I cut the bathroom light off and exited the bathroom, forgetting what I had originally went in there for before getting distracted by my own reflection.

The clock's hand on the wall just outside the bathroom moved towards the six, and everyday just like clockwork, the keypad to the front door beeped and swung open, revealing him.

The reason my belly is so big.

The reason there's a monster growing inside me.

Lee Taeyong.

"Honey! I'm home-

Taeyong paused as his eyes fell on me, "Ah, there you are. Were you waiting on me?" He questioned with a wide smile as he kicked his shoes off.

My eyes drifted down to the black plastic bag in his hand, I ignored his greeting and silently pointed to the bag.

Taeyong chuckled as he approached me, placing a kiss on my cheek, "You're impatient today aren't you?"

Taeyong leaned down to my stomach and placed a tender kiss on my belly, "Hi baby." He whispered.

I felt like vomiting.

"Appa's home now." He said with a smile before standing.

He headed over to the table in the middle of the living room, placing the bag down. I followed behind him closely, my curiosity getting the best of me. He kneeled next to the table as he fished out the contents of the bag.

"Don't you want to see?" He questioned as he paused to look up at me.

I blinked at him blankly, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of an answer.

Taeyong smirked knowingly at me before patting the spot on the couch before him. His eyes followed me as he watched me enter the living room and take a seat in front of him on the couch. He never moved from his original spot on the floor as he continued rifling through the black bag in search of something.

"It's been a while since you've painted your toenails right?" He asked as he pulled the contents from the bag to show me an assortment of brightly colored nail polishes.

I sighed as I peered down at my toenails, the paint on them was still there from when I did them a few weeks ago, although now the paint had started to chip and peel in different places. I couldn’t stand the sight of my toenails when they got like that, I was actually thankful when my belly had gotten so big I could no longer see my own feet.

I couldn't do anything about fixing my toenails anyways seeing as I stopped being able to reach my toes a while ago.

"Don't you want me to paint your nails for you? Won't that make you happy?" Taeyong smiled as he looked up at me excitedly,

I had to fight the urge to smack him.

I don't remember the last time I felt genuine happiness. And he's the reason.

Him and this fucking fetus inside me.

He searched my eyes for something before settling with a sigh, "Y/N...I'm trying..."

Try harder.

That's what I wanted to say to him.

His hands moved to clutch mine, lovingly interlacing our fingers together.

"I'm trying really hard to make up for what I've done in the past...But I can't if you won't even speak to me." He trailed, his thumb brushing over my skinny knuckles.

What did he want me to say?

It's okay Taeyong...I forgive you Taeyong for ruining my life.

If that's what he was waiting on me to say he'd die waiting to hear those words from me.

"I'll pick a color for you okay?" He said with a smile.

He squeezed my hand before pulling away to look back at the different colored polishes.

"Hmmm...blue?" He pondered, he turned to wave the sparkly blue polish at me in hopes of a response.

"It's okay if you still don't feel like saying anything. I'll keep trying until you forgive me." He smiled.

Don't bother.

He crossed his legs in front of me, placing my feet in his lap.

He carefully used a cotton ball and nail polish remover to take the paint already there off.

Taeyong continued to make mindless chatter and simple conversation as he removed the paint from my nails, none of which I responded to.

I had gotten so good at training my ears to drown his voice out that it was easy for me to forget that he was even there at times.

That was until my ears caught on to one thing he said.

"What?" I questioned, my voice came out weak and raspy from not being used in a while.

He looked up from my toes to meet my gaze. His eyes doubled in size in shock of hearing my voice for the first time in a while.

"Hm?" He questioned,

"What did you say? Just now?" I questioned, my fists clenching.

He paused momentarily as if trying to remember what he'd just said, "I said..."

"Our family will be so happy, you'll forget about your old one." He said it in such a matter of fact tone, as if it was just a guarantee.

It was so simple and he probably didn’t even mean it in the way that I took it, but I couldn’t fight the anger that started to brew in me.

"Are you crazy?" I spat out, yanking my feet away from him.

"Baby...don't be like that..." Taeyong said trying to reach out for me.

"Stop calling me that! I am not your baby, and we are not a family!" I screamed.

I couldn't stop myself as my fists raised up and I began pummeling them at him in a fit of rage. Taeyong fell back a little, surprised by my sudden attack.

He acted quickly on his feet and grabbed my wrists in his hands and yanked me up from the couch, "Y/N, stop. You're going to hurt the baby if you don't calm down."

"It's not a baby. It's a fucking monster." I hissed.

His face fell into a look of sadness, "Don't say that. That's our baby you're talking about."

I pulled my wrist back out of his grasp and landed a harsh slap to his cheek.

"I hate you. And I hate this baby because of you. It's going to turn out to be a disgusting monster just like you are." I seethed.

"Y/N....please." Taeyong said gently, trying to get me to calm down.

But I had only just started, and I was ready to let my anger take over.

"How dare you say I'll forget about my family? Are you sick in the head? You must be." I spat.

At this point tears started streaming down Taeyong’s cheeks as he soaked in my words. 

"Y/N, It's okay... I'll fix this, I'll fix everything so that we can be happy, okay? So that you can forgive me." Taeyong said between pathetic sniffles.

It only made me angrier to see him cry, I should be the one crying. He did this, this is his fault.

"No. Nothing is okay here. I could never be happy with someone like you. I could never love someone like you." I stated firmly.

I watched as Taeyong clenched his jaw, the grip he had on my other wrist tightened.The look on his face slowly morphed from sadness to anger.

"So what now, huh? You want to leave me? You want to leave so you can go back to your family, and your fiance? Is that it?" Taeyong asked with a dry chuckle.

I tensed up at the mention of my fiance.

His words were sharp and dripping with venom as they spilled out past his lips.

"Taeyong-

Before letting me finish Taeyong pulled me over to the door, punching in the code on the keypad before swinging it open.

I was hit by a cold gust of wind as the December air touched my skin.

The thin pajama set I had on did nothing to shield me from the cold weather.

"If you want to leave so bad. Go. See how much your family misses you when they see you're pregnant with my kid." Taeyong said with a twisted smirk.

I looked between him and the door. For the first time in a while I could see directly outside, I could see something other than the four walls I'd grown so used to seeing everyday.

Cars zipped past along the street, people walking along the sidewalk completely oblivious to the horrors taking place inside this house.

This is what I'd been wanting so desperately for months now.

The opportunity was being laid out right in front of me, ready for me to reach out and take it.

My heart was begging for me to run. Begging me to run far away from this wretched place and never look back.

I started to take a step past the threshold of the door before I was stopped by an abrupt kick in my stomach. A painful cramp shot up my spine as the monster inside me kicked a second time.

I couldn't go back home.

Not like this.

I couldn't go back to my family, my fiance, pregnant with my kidnappers child.

I couldn't do this to them.

I won't.

I’d already put them through the pain of losing their daughter, I couldn’t be the reason for my family’s embarassment by coming back pregnant. I had nowhere to go, and I knew I was defeated.

"It's all your fault." I said just above a whisper as I fell to the floor, my knees buckling under my weight.

I couldn't fight the ugly sobs that racked through my body as I thought about how horrible of a situation I was in.

Taeyong looked down at me with what I assumed to be pity before closing the front door.

He turned and squatted down to my level.

"I'm all you've got now, your family won't want you in their lives once they know you're pregnant. So be a smart girl and accept that this is your life now. Me and this baby are your only family now. Understand?" Taeyong questioned as he used his hand to wipe away my tears.

"Fuck you." I hissed in response.

Taeyong snickered, his lips curving up into a devilish grin.

"Soon. I don't want to risk hurting the baby."

[shig-a-shig-ah]

Please I'm on my hands and knees begging for some kind of angst/comfort or whatever sequel to Solace what do I have to pay to see it at last

You know what, anon? Fuck it—ask and you shall receive. 

DISCOMFIT ━ PART 2 OF SOLACE

» pairing: dabi x fem!reader, previous shigaraki tomura x reader

» cw: noncon, free use (mostly implied/referenced), implied anal, mentions of cheating, little bit of comfort, whole lot of angst. 18+, minors DNI.

» a/n: This picks up exactly where Solace left off, and isn’t exactly canon-compliant because the war arc hadn’t ended when I first posted Solace. It’s also more angsty than smutty, but def still NSFW. As always, reblogs, replies, etc. are welcome <3

» wc: 5.3k

» ao3 mirror

Like my work? Support me on Ko-fi or request a commission.

There's lead in Dabi's stomach as Shigaraki drags you towards the door, and he's already scrambling to tug on his sweats, staggering to his feet as though he could effectively intervene. He'd heard the threats hissed in your ear, the ones scattered among the taunts Dabi had tried so hard to counter with his own exaltations, but he hadn't been prepared for them to be genuine, had thought that in the end Shigaraki would view your shame as his own. That he wouldn't want to make this betrayal public, not really.

Apparently, Dabi was wrong.

When you're hauled across the threshold, he falters. The thought of your imminent defilement is enough to make him feel sick, bile rising at the back of his throat as his gut twists; he doesn't think he could bear to witness such a desecration. But in the end he also doesn't have a choice—Shigaraki pauses in the doorway, his vicious gaze fixing on Dabi as he gives the order. "You're coming too."

Dabi's throat tightens, because he knows there's no use trying to oppose Shigaraki's will, not with his newfound power. And there's no clemency in the man's burning red eyes, no hints that Tomura has doubts about his chosen retribution, nothing at all to give Dabi hope that perhaps the pale-haired man can be dissuaded from this corrective action.

So Dabi swallows back that bitter taste in his mouth, and he follows.

***

Your heart is in your throat as you're dragged into the hall for the second time, only vaguely aware of Dabi trailing behind, failing to interfere though you don't blame him for that, could never condemn him when this is so much more your fault than his. Had you ever really thought you could gladden yourself with Dabi's comfort and then return unscathed to Shigaraki's arms?

You're loud at first, and desperate. You rake at Tomura's forearm as you try to free yourself from his bruising grip, clawing until red droplets are blooming from the scratches on his skin and his flesh collects beneath your nails, but those marks knit themselves back together almost as quickly as you carve them in. Your feet scrabble ineffectually against the carpet too, trying to slow Tomura's movements, but all that accomplishes is friction burns when you stumble, collapsing to your knees even as Shigaraki continues his unyielding march, dragging you along without so much as a backwards glance.

You beg shamelessly again too, pleading with him to stop, to not, to simply let you go. You swear that you'll leave, that he'll never have to see you again, but he ignores those cries just as he does your pathetic attempts to grapple yourself free. It isn't until your implorations grow quieter, more disheartened, that he pauses—you're weeping, not even thinking about what you're saying, rash words falling from your lips. "Tomu, please, I'm sorry, it was a mistake. Please, if you ever cared about me, just let me go."

It's then that he freezes in place, every muscle in his body going rigid, the cords in his neck standing out as he whirls around to face you. His eyes are impossibly wide, his mouth twisted in disgust, and something dark flashes behind his expression, something that, but for a moment, makes him look wounded rather than filled with rage. It's gone almost as soon as it comes, replaced by an expression stonier than any he's fixed you with thus far. He spits his retort through gritted teeth, his tone so tight and glacial that it sends a shiver down your exposed spine.

"Who could ever care about a whore like you?"

***

Dabi can see you struggling, tears streaming down your reddened cheeks as you beg, but he hears none of those supplications, hears nothing but blood rushing in his ears and the wet glug of his throat every time he tries to swallow down the lump that has lodged itself there. Just moving forward consumes all his focus; this sprawling mansion may as well extend for miles for all the effort it takes him to continue putting one foot in front of the other as Shigaraki tows you down the hall.

Your grotesque procession ends in the cavernous ballroom on the ground floor. It's ornate even in its empty glory, sunlight streaming through the tall, arched windows and glinting off the crystal of the chandelier that hangs unlit from the ceiling. Dozens of observers trail behind, every inquiring mind that had peered out to investigate the commotion now obeying Shigaraki's commands for them to follow. They're watching warily, whispering behind their hands as their eyes flick curiously from Dabi, shirtless and shaking, to Shigaraki and you.

Dabi comes back into himself when Shigaraki hurls you unceremoniously to the floor, the sharp crack of your head against the hardwood echoing loudly enough to breach the disassociated haze in which he's been trapped. The sight of your face, dazed by the blow, has him instinctually moving forward, but he's stopped at once when a chiseled arm casts itself across his chest, halting his movements. A low growl issues from the back of Shigaraki's throat. "Don't."

It was easier not to protest Shigaraki's rough treatment of you when the three of you were alone in Dabi's bedroom. He'd been able to convince himself then that Shigaraki had some claim on you, some right to do what he was doing, a sense that had been given all the more weight by your own equivocal response to those harsh touches. But the sight of you now, curled on the floor clutching your head, your legs tucked to your chest as though that could somehow preserve your modesty, is harder to abide. It has heat roiling under Dabi's skin, his insides near-roasting as he does his best to restrain himself, to keep emotions too tumultuous to define from bubbling up and setting him alight.

So Dabi looks away. He does his best to tamp down on that growing heat and to endure, to think about the importance of being there for you. After.

Even after Tomura extends his sadistic invitation to the assembled remnants of the Paranormal Liberation Front, Dabi is naive enough at first to hope that no one will take the bait, that even a crowd of villains won't be depraved enough to indulge in what Shigaraki is offering. Except, Dabi had, hadn't he? Had found his own satisfaction in the first part of Shigaraki's punishment, even as you'd wept. He tries to tell himself that was different—he'd already had you, more than once and voluntarily, and you'd asked for him, implored him so desperately that he couldn't have refused, especially not when it was something Shigaraki had been so intent on enacting.

A darker thought flits across the back of Dabi's mind when he remembers the way you'd writhed under Tomura's domineering touch: if Shigaraki insists on it, will you beg here too?

It's a question that goes unanswered. You spend less than a minute sniffling on the floor surrounded by that mob of villains, and then Dabi's glancing up against his better judgement to see Re-Destro stepping forward, dark eyes glinting with curiosity as he shrugs off his suit jacket and loosens his tie, the balding sycophant unabashedly eager to avail himself of Shigaraki's sloppy seconds.

All your struggling has ceased; you're not trying to leave or asking for help, or mercy. Dabi's not sure if you're still trying to please Shigaraki or are only clinging to some last shred of dignity, if he should be disgusted or proud. Still, you flinch when the redhead crouches to trace one large hand up the outside of your thigh, and that small sign of discomfort is enough to have Dabi moving without thinking, every fiber of his body screaming out to defend you from that unwanted touch. But he only manages one feeble step forward before Shigaraki's hand is curling in his hair, yanking him back so hard that Dabi's scalp throbs. Shigaraki maintains that tight hold, leaving Dabi immobilized and with no choice left but to keep staring forward.

"You're going to watch every second," Shigaraki hisses.

Dabi nods. Grinds his teeth. Watches.

***

He thinks nothing could be worse than the powerlessness he feels as Re-Destro takes you. It's a sense of impotence that settles in his bones, that unearths and amplifies every inadequacy he endured in his youth until his knees are weak and there's blood leaking from the corners of his eyes. Just like back then, he's too weak to do what is needed. He can only watch in dismay as someone slots themselves into a role that should be his.

He's wrong, of course, that nothing could be more horrible than witnessing that first act. It's worse when he starts to notice the familiar tensing in your body, and hears your high-keyed whines reverberating off of walls designed to carry just such a pitch. It's worse when he spies Skeptic with that camera trained on you, documenting your disgrace as he palms himself through his pants, and even worse when Spinner comes forward, casting a long, uncertain glance towards Shigaraki before burying himself in both your holes. It's worse when they stop taking orderly turns coupling with your pliant form and start to share instead, and it's worse still when Dabi realizes that somewhere along the way he's grown shamefully, achingly hard.

But the worst? The absolute worst?

That comes at the end.

You're nothing but a crumpled heap on the floor, one cheek squashed against the stained hardwood, your expression glassy and far away. People have stopped coming forward, all those who wanted a turn having taken one, or more. Their faces are uneasy now that they're spent, murmuring again and shooting furtive looks towards the door, obviously unsure if their continued presence is required but too wary of Shigaraki to ask. So it's Dabi who finally works up the nerve to speak, his voice tight through his clenched jaw.

"You did what you wanted. Now can we go?"

A sense of relief washes over him when Shigaraki releases him, but it's short-lived as the other man fixes that red-eyed stare on Dabi.

"Huh," he muses thickly, his expression unreadable as he cocks his head. "You still want her."

Dabi hesitates. Because he knows Shigaraki doesn't want that to be true, is intent on ripping apart whatever tenuous connection you and Dabi have forged over the past weeks, but Dabi's not sure that such a thing is possible. Right now he can't imagine the future any further than getting you both far, far away from here, but even after watching you submit to Shigaraki so readily, after seeing you clench and moan while being offered up like so much meat, Dabi doesn't think he could ever turn you away, not so long as you want him. So he nods.

Shigaraki's unreadable expression morphs, his lips splitting into a wide, depraved grin. "Fine." There's something in his tone that has Dabi's chest tightening with dread already, a sense that only intensifies when Shigaraki continues. "Finish her off, and you can have her. After all, what the fuck do I care if you want to keep the toy you damaged?"

Dabi swallows hard, looking around again. The crowd is watching intently, exchanging hushed whispers, and he knows they can hear every word, have no doubt anymore about just what has happened here, if they had any doubts before.

"Better get on with it," Tomura jeers, followed by a quiet, callous chuckle. "Take the last turn, and the two of you can go. Or don't, and I'll keep her here for days."

Fuck, Dabi can feel the weight of all those eyes on him, of dozens of gazes flicking between his torn expression and your used up form. He wants to say he can't, that he could never, but it's not the truth. The thought alone might have him fighting back a wave of nausea but that doesn't mean he isn't still erect, tenting his pants in a way that's painfully obvious to himself and to everyone else. Physically, at least, Dabi absolutely could.

He takes a step closer to you. Grimaces. He wants to reach out to you, to give you the reassurance of a soothing touch, but there's nowhere your skin isn't reddened or contused, the evidence of that damage exaggerated by the sheen of sweat and worse coating your skin. Your eyes roll up just enough to meet his hesitant stare, and Dabi gives you what he hopes is an apologetic look.

Dabi does what he has to do.

***

The moment it's over Dabi is scooping you up, hooking his arms around your shoulders and behind your bruised knees and lifting you gingerly from the floor, taking you in his arms as gently as he can manage. Your eyes drift to him again, the corners of your lips twitching and a tiny whimper issuing from the back of your throat, a sound so small and feeble that Dabi has to bite hard at the inside of his cheek to maintain some semblance of composure.

He avoids making eye contact with anyone as he leaves, not even sparing a glance towards Shigaraki to confirm this is really over; if the other man decides to change his mind, Dabi's sure it will be painfully obvious. But no one tries to stop him from taking you—he flees the scene of your discrediting successfully, with his heart pounding and his eyes fixed firmly on the floor ahead of him. Just as when he'd followed Shigaraki's march before, he puts one foot in front of the other and wills himself to think of nothing else.

It's difficult. Your skin is slick against his unclothed chest, and feels feverish. Every time he shifts you, he can feel wetness dribbling down your thighs as he tries to lie to himself it's nothing. Tries not to give it any attention at all.

Dabi's never been very good at deceiving himself, and it's all the harder now with the images of your defilement burned into his retinas—Shigaraki knew just what would make him suffer, Dabi has to admit that much.

When he reaches his room, he sets you gently to the floor, whispers that he'll be right back and then disappears into the bathroom, shutting the door tightly behind him. He cranks on the bathtub—it will be necessary to clean you up since he's certain you couldn't stand if you tried. It also serves to drown out the sounds to come, because the moment the water starts pouring he's lunging for the toilet and heaving his guts into the bowl, coughing and sputtering as he retches.

By the time he's finished being sick, the tub is nearly full.

He checks the temperature of the water. Once, twice. Three times. It's hard for him to gauge it adequately when he runs so hot, and the last thing he wants is to scald your abused skin or any of those tender, overworked parts. When he's finally wrangling you into the tub, he dips your hand in first, one final test to ease his anxious mind.

"That feel all right, baby girl?" He's not sure if you really nod, or if you're simply shifting a little, but either way he takes it as a yes.

In the end, it doesn't matter so much. The water turns disgusting almost the moment you're submerged, an oily sheen rising to the surface that Dabi doesn't want to think too hard about it. He drains it and doesn't repeat that mistake, only fills it a few inches full the second time and then scoops water over your irritated skin to rinse away the worst of the mess, a painstakingly slow but necessary measure. He repeats it twice and only after that muck stops rising to the top does he let the water creep higher so that he can wash you properly.

He starts with your hair. It's another slow process, trying to keep from snagging your damp tresses on the staples that line his palms as he massages shampoo into your scalp, and moving carefully to avoid the lump that's formed at the back of your head, where it cracked against the hardwood floor. He does his best not to grimace visibly at that swelling, does the same as he's working sweat and sticky clumps out of your matted locks—your eyes are still bleary but he knows you're watching him, and he couldn't bear for you to see how much it affects him to witness you like this.

Conditioner is probably an unnecessary touch, but he works it in anyway once the last of the suds have been rinsed away, thinks it might help you to feel some sense of normalcy, if that's even still a possibility for you. He lets it soak in while he tends to the rest of your inflamed skin, trying best as he can to be gentle, though that doesn't stop you from wincing every time he brushes over some raw, tender spot. When he finally works the washcloth between your thighs, the last horribly necessary task left, you let out a choked sob, your face contorting in distress in a way that has his throat tightening again.

"Shh, baby girl," Dabi soothes, his voice raw even to his own ears as he lifts a hand to stroke at your hair. "It's okay. I've got you."

You can't help but wonder if that's entirely true as you bite back more complaints and let him tend to your ravaged sex. You can see the tightness in his face, the way he can't seem to look at you for long, and Shigaraki's words keep running through your mind, a grim mantra that sticks in your head even more than the memories of the past few hours.

You'll be ruined for him, just like you're ruined for me.

The thought is enough to have panic brewing in your chest, a near-hysteria clawing its way through you. Because what would you do without Dabi? Who else would ever want you now? It would be too much to lose them both.

You don't realize tears are streaming down your cheeks until hot thumbs are brushing them away, cerulean eyes fixed worriedly on your own. "It's okay," Dabi murmurs again. "You're okay."

But it's not, you're not, probably won't ever be again, and you need more than those thin reassurances. Your arm aches when you lift one hand to catch his wrist, your feeble grip a reminder of just how worn you really are. "Am I—" your voice is hoarse, your words interrupted by a painful cough as you struggle to speak through your wrecked throat "—am I ruined for you?"

The way his face falls at your question is reassurance enough, that tight expression going slack and defeated, the corners of his brows lifting in grief. Then Dabi's pulling you to his chest, water sloshing over the side of the tub and cool porcelain digging into your side as he wraps both arms around you, his face burying itself in your damp strands as he cradles you close.

"No. No, of course not, baby girl. Never."

***

When Dabi finally releases you, he leaves you soaking in the tub long enough to take a shower. He's loath to abandon you for even one second, but he needs that cleansing and, more than that, needs a moment to breath. Because you'd never clung to him so eagerly before, never needed him the same way he needed you, not when you had someone else to hold tightly to.

So just now, when you'd burrowed against his chest and made clear that he was the one you were counting on? Well, he'd be lying if he said it hadn't felt good.

Shigaraki might have succeeded in cracking the pedestal Dabi had placed you on, but all that's truly accomplished is to bring you down to Dabi's level, to a place where he can actually hope to make you his. And Dabi doesn't want to find that thought reassuring, doesn't want to dwell on the realization that this whole fucked up situation might be the only way he'll get the one thing he still wants in life. But he does.

He cranks the heat in the shower as high as it will go as he tries to wash away that guilt, but the scalding water isn't enough. It can't rinse out the shame of finding personal satisfaction in your suffering, just like it can't scour away the memories of obeying Shigaraki's final order, of burying his length in the slick sensation of a dozen other men's seed, of squeezing your thighs together in a desperate bid to create some sort of friction, or of sinking himself into your tighter hole when it seemed like the only way to end that agony.

The list of things that require Dabi's contrition is endless, it seems.

Perhaps it's some kind of fucked up penance, then, that once you're both clean Dabi finds himself offering to go collect your things from the room you'd shared with Shigaraki.

It's an offer born of necessity; you have nothing to wear and while Dabi would love to dress you in his clothes, would relish the sight of you parading around in some oversized shirt that belongs to him, the way you had with Shigaraki's clothes back in the old hideout, he has nothing to offer on that front. An extensive wardrobe isn't among his precious few possessions—the options are his filthy tee shirt and jeans, the ones that reek of booze and ash, or his sweats, amply stained from your walk of shame. None of that seems anywhere near adequate.

So Dabi grits his teeth yet again, tugs on those dirty clothes himself and leaves you tucked safely in his bed, bundled in his only towel. There's an anxious look in your eyes as he departs, one that has a strange thrill coursing through him as he murmurs a promise to return quickly.

He tells himself as he journeys down the hall—pointedly ignoring every person he passes—that Shigaraki won't be there. Dabi's seen the boss angry before, knows he's one to wander and destroy rather than to sulk, and if Dabi were a betting man he would wager that Shigaraki won't be setting foot in the room he'd shared with you any time soon.

Unfortunately, Dabi is wrong once again. There's no answer when he knocks, but when he slips inside it becomes painfully obvious that lack of response wasn't because the quarters were unoccupied. He pauses inside the door, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness, and is almost immediately assaulted by the sounds issuing from around the corner, just out of sight: sheets rustling and heavy breathing, the faint slap of skin on skin, a quiet moan.

Fuck. Fuck no. This is the last thing that Dabi wants or needs to witness, even if the stab of incredulity and anger he feels about it is undeserved. It's how he himself would have coped, he knows, had Shigaraki's return to the Liberation Front and your return to him gone according plan, but the thought that he could avail himself of this ever after today's display has Dabi's stomach twisting.

He holds his breath as he immediately retreats, the carpet muffling his slow, quiet steps. Dabi will try something else, ask Toga to loan you some things, or rifle through the remnants of Jin's possessions if he has to. All he has do is get out of here without—

"What do you think you're doing?"

The sound of Shigaraki's low voice has Dabi freezing in place. He sounds different than when they last spoke, some faint trace of amusement there in place of that calculated callousness. Dabi keeps still, tries to convince himself that it's not him Shigaraki is addressing, but that hope proves unfounded.

"I can smell you, you know. You reek of smoke. So why don't you stop hiding and tell me why the fuck you're here?"

Dabi's first instinct is to simply turn and leave, to avoid this unpleasant encounter all together and pray Tomura will simply return his attentions to whoever had the poor judgement to leap into his bed. But in the end he steps forward, not willing to test the other man further than he has with his mere presence, not when there's still a sinister edge to his tone and the damage Dabi's wrought is already likely to haunt him to his dying day.

A light clicks on when Dabi steps into sight, the sudden assault on his pupils making him blink rapidly, and when the room finally swims back into focus, Dabi freezes. Tomura has some woman tucked neatly in his lap, her back nestled to his chest as he peers at Dabi from over her shoulder, the sheets barely covering where Dabi is positive they're joined together.

"I just came to get some of her shit—I didn't think you'd be here," Dabi says flatly, trying to not to let his eyes drift from Tomura's face as deadly hands grope at exposed breasts, dark bite marks and hickeys starkly visible even from the bottom of Dabi's field of vision. "I'll come back later. Or just find her new shit."

"Why bother when you're already here? Just get on with it." Dabi can sense something forced in that casual dismissal of his presence even as Shigaraki lets out a low laugh, and that impression is only strengthened when the woman—some MLA holdover Dabi recognizes but couldn't name—tugs at the edge of the blankets, obviously intent on providing herself with some sort of cover. Shigaraki growls immediately, pale fingers clamping around her wrist so tightly that she whimpers in protest. The first syllable of Tomura's name falls quietly from her lips, a paltry whine that's quashed as soon as it begins, Shigaraki's wide palm slapping harshly over her mouth. His eyes narrow in displeasure as scowling lips ghost over her ear.

"You're the one who wanted to fuck," Dabi hears Shigaraki hiss, "so don't you dare stop."

Dabi might have felt some sympathy for her in another life, some pang of unease at the way her eyes widen and she fidgets nervously before hesitantly rocking her hips, but in this moment he can muster no sympathy, not when her apparently voluntary presence far exceeds even Dabi's expectations for the shamelessness of these meta liberation freaks.

He does, however, feel a twinge of disquiet when he realizes, after a moment of staring, that she looks like you. Not exactly, of course—the nose is wrong, the hairstyle different—but enough. Her hair color, her eyes, her build: they're all reminiscent of your own.

Dabi tries not to think about what that means.

"Well, aren't you going to do what you came for?" Shigaraki taunts. That malicious glint is back in his eyes, the corner of his thin mouth curving up into a smirk that makes it clear he's enjoying Dabi's discomfort at the scene playing out before him. His hands start to wander again as though to emphasize it, pinching and tugging at puffy, exposed nipples while the woman continues to issue muffled mewls from behind his hand. "I'm busy, if you couldn't tell."

Dabi grits his teeth and looks away. "Where is it?"

Shigaraki only shrugs, that sneer widening, and Dabi turns stiffly towards the dresser, doing his best to tune out the soft cries as he rummages through the drawers. After a moment it's clear that nothing within belongs to you, and reluctantly Dabi steps further into the room to search the closet. He finds what he's looking for there, thank god; neatly folded stacks of pants and shirts line the shelves, blouses and those fancy nightgowns you're so fond of arranged neatly on hangars beside them. There's a duffel bag on the floor too, and Dabi quickly busies himself shoving as many of your belongings into it as he can, working with unceremonious haste and chewing at his cheek, still trying to ignore the way the sounds behind him are escalating, the moans and lewd wet smacks growing louder, more rapid.

He only stops when the duffel is overflowing, too stuffed full to even zip shut. It's certainly more than enough for now, but he wonders briefly about the rest of your possessions, if there's some other source of comfort he could and should bring you before Shigaraki decides to dispose of anything you've left behind. But Dabi has no way of knowing, has never been permitted to so much as step foot in this space before.

When the unmistakable sound of a slap emanates from behind him, followed by a throaty groan, Dabi decides it doesn't matter.

It takes him a moment to steel himself, to work up the nerve to turn back towards the room and the vulgar performance occurring mere feet away, but he once he does he strides purposefully towards the door without so much as a glance towards Shigaraki and his new—and very temporary, Dabi suspects—lover. He's almost out the door, seconds from feeling as though he can breath again, when that mocking voice is once again demanding his attention.

"Dabi," Shigaraki calls out liltingly, and Dabi pauses.

"What now?"

His obvious impatience draws a cold chuckle from Tomura. "Don't try to leave. Either of you," Shigaraki says. "The Violet Regiment still needs its lieutenant, and I need you motivated."

For a long moment, Dabi simply stands there, his hand still resting on the knob as he considers those instructions. Shigaraki isn't wrong to think he would consider it; Dabi's mostly accomplished what he hoped to with the League, and his more protective instincts have been screaming at him to get you out of here since the second it was clear Tomura intended to honor his threats. But he'd already had doubts that the jilted man would let that happen, not when the punishment he'd devised is most effective if you're both forced to stay, forced to face everyone who witnessed your downfalls and shared shame.

And also, well...Dabi's more protective instincts might tempt him to flee—he's disappeared before, after all, thinks he could do it again even if it would be harder to evade Shigaraki's reach—but his possessive instincts? Those have more self-serving thoughts brewing in the back of his mind. Because if the castigation you endured is most effective if you stay, it also means that Dabi has no advantage anywhere else. Would you cling to him so sweetly, so fiercely if you weren't surrounded by those who had seen you so thoroughly humbled? Or would such an escape only taint Dabi's presence in your mind, single him out as the last reminder of your humiliation and debasement?

It would, he thinks. So Dabi nods even though Shigaraki can't see him, noting the opportunity present in what was surely intended as a threat. The sadistic leader might be intent on dangling this over both your and Dabi's heads until at least one of you is dead, but Dabi's made the best of bad situations before, ones worse than this.

"Sure thing, boss," he says, working to keep his tone level and mild. He steps out into the hall, lets the door click closed behind him.

For the first time all day, Dabi smiles.

[kylospumpkin]

Protector

Kylo Ren x Reader 

Fandom: Star Wars (sequels)

Premise: You're pressurised into watching a horror film that scares you and Kylo is there to make you feel better.

Word Count: 1.5K

~

Kylo comes storming into your quarters, looking frenzied with his lightsaber clutched tightly in his hand. His eyes frantically search the room for danger, ready to pounce at anything that would deem a threat.

“What is it?! Why’d you scream?” He asks with urgency, still on high alert despite not seeing any immediate danger. You peek your head out from under the covers, tears welling in your eyes as eerie noises spill from the speakers of your television.

You point a shaky hand in the direction of the television, a horror movie playing on the big screen. His eyes follow your finger and his face softens in realisation. He extinguishes his saber then uses the force to switch the tv off whilst simultaneously turning on the lamp before moving to sit on the edge of the bed.

Immediately, you're crawling onto his body and clutching tightly onto his clothing. He wraps his arms tightly around you and pulls you up onto his lap so you can bury your head in the crook of his neck. He can feel the way you’re trembling against him, genuinely scared from what you’ve just watched.

“Shh, Sweetheart. I’m here,” he coos, rubbing his hand up and down your back soothingly. You struggle to keep your breathing even, the tears choking you up as they continue to flow. The images from what you’ve just watched flash in your mind repeatedly, constantly replenishing the fear that resided inside of you right now. Though Kylo is holding onto you tightly, you’re still afraid.

He pulls you back slightly so he can look down at your face and brings a hand up to wipe away the tears streaming down your face. He’s frowning, brows furrowed, and his eyes are filled with concern. His hand gently clasps your chin, his thumb rubbing against your jawline as you hiccup and sniffle, trying to look at him through blurry eyes.

“Why would you put that film on? You hate horror films,” he questions softly and you take a shaky breath, embarrassed to tell him the reason. You try to turn your head away but he tightens his grasp ever-so-slightly to prevent you from doing so.

“Some s-stormtroopers were teasing me a-and I wanted to prove them w-wrong. I-I wanted to be brave.” You stutter out, ashamed of the reason behind your foolishness. You see anger flash across his face before he quickly composes himself, not wanting to scare you any further by his desire to kill the stormtroopers in question.

“Oh, Angel…” He sighs, letting go of your chin and letting you bury your head back into the crook of his neck. His free hand goes to your lower back, keeping you pressed against him.

“You are brave, so much more so than those plebeian stormtroopers. It takes a hell of a lot more bravery to rule the galaxy with me than those cretins will ever have.” It’s clear he’s seething at those stormtroopers and you guess he’s probably going to kill them, but right now you’re too afraid to care about their fate.

Your hands bunch up in Kylo’s shirt and you nod weakly in acknowledgement at his words. You suppose he’s right, but that still doesn’t change the fact that you feel pathetic for being unable to watch a horror film without being scared.

“Would you like to talk about what scared you?” He asks though he’s pretty sure you won’t. You’re usually very non-verbal when you get this upset. As he suspects, you shake your head ‘no’ and make a small noise of disagreement.

Kylo picks you up, bringing the large duvet with you so it can stay wrapped around your shoulders, and carries you into the living room. He sets you down onto the sofa, tucking the duvet around your still slightly quivering frame before briefly walking away into your library.

He returns carrying several books, which he places on the coffee table in front of you before taking a seat beside you. You go to snuggle into him immediately, but he shakes his head with a soft smile on his face. “Pick a book.”

Your face lifts at the realisation of what this means, he’s going to read to you. You lean forward to look at your options and immediately decide which book you want. Temporarily taking your hands out from beneath the covers, you take the book and give it to Kylo- who huffs in amusement at your pick.

“Of course you’d pick the book about Darth Bane” He teases, voice light as he beckons you to lay your head on his lap. You do so without question, a small smile breaking out on your face as you pull the cover up to your face.

“It’s my favourite,” you respond softly, voice quiet but Kylo can tell that your mind is already starting to drift away from the fear you felt before.

“I know Sweetheart, sometimes I worry you love this book more than me.” He jokes and you nudge him as best you can with your elbow, making a loud gasp in disagreement.

“Never! Only love you!” You whine, bending your neck so you can look up at him with a pout. He just looks down at you and chuckles, eyes creasing with amusement.

“I’m just teasing you, Love,” he reassures, before leaning down to plant a kiss on your lips. You sigh against his lips, revelling in the feeling of his plush lips against yours. He pulls away all too soon and you’re about to complain but he reaches over to put on his reading glasses and you forget all about what you wanted.

His black-framed glasses sit perfectly atop his nose, making his already breathtaking face even more irresistible. He looks down at you through his glasses and smirks, making your cheeks heat up and undoubtedly turn a deep shade of red. You quickly turn back around, pulling the duvet up so it’s covering your cheeks.

He shakes his head behind you before running a hand through his hair to push it back and out of his face. He clears his throat and opens the book up to the first page.

“Ready?” He asks, and after a moment of shuffling to get more comfortable, you nod, peering up at the book from your position on his lap.

He starts reading to you, his deep voice immediately soothing you. He could be reading literally anything and it would still make you feel safe and protected. His voice wraps around your body like a blanket, warming you up far better than any duvet cover ever could.

One of his hands drops down onto your head and he starts absentmindedly playing with your hair, twirling it in between his fingers. You hum in content, eyes fluttering closed as the love of your life reads your favourite book to you.

You’re not sure how far through the book he gets as, after a while, you find yourself slowly drifting off to sleep. His hand doesn’t stop playing with your hair even when he places the book and his glasses away to settle down himself, assured by the knowledge that his girl is sleeping soundly on his lap.

__________________________

“So, which one of you pathetic bottom-feeders thought it would be acceptable to upset MY wife?” Kylo’s voice booms throughout the throne room, his harsh tone a stark difference to the soft one he used towards you the night prior.

You sit atop Kylo’s throne, watching as the four stormtroopers who teased you the day before shake with fear. They’re facing the wrath of Kylo Ren, something that very few survive.

They, idiotically, deny all accusations, somehow forgetting that their Supreme Leader has the ability to read minds with ease. He pulls out their memories as painfully as possible, exposing them as liars as well as insubordinates.

Kylo gestures to his nights, no doubt communicating with them through their force-bond, and they stalk towards the quivering men. Kylo turns his back to them and walks up the steps to the throne so he’s standing directly in front of you. He holds his hand out to you and you take it without hesitation, allowing him to pull you up and into his chest.

You wrap your arms around his broad frame and peek your head over his shoulder to watch as the stormtroopers are dragged out of the room. They’re most likely being led to their death.

Before you have a chance to think about it anymore, Kylo pulls you back and takes hold of your face with both hands. His eyes dance across your face before he crashes his lips against yours, deeply and passionately kissing you. You return the kiss just as eagerly, letting yourself melt against him.

His arm snakes around your waist, pulling you impossibly closer before he pulls his lips back slightly to speak.

“Nobody upsets my wife and gets away with it.”

[clodovia]

Happier

Character: Oikawa x gn! reader

Song Fic: Happier by Ed Sheeran

Warnings: Angst

A/n: my first fic on this blog, probably one of my favorites

Word Count: 1255

AO3 Link

Network: @hanayanetwork

Oikawa has lost track of how long it has been since that day. The day when his life was turned upside down as he found you had packed your things and left while he was off with his team playing away games. He didn’t know why he ever did what he did and he regrets his actions every day. After you went public about the events that occurred, he felt empty inside. His team manager could see that and knew that she couldn’t do anything to help. She slowly disappeared from his life as well, not that he really took notice. He was too numb to everything around him. Volleyball wasn’t even fun for him anymore as the headspace he was in was preventing him from being able to succeed. He was benched for many games, his teammates’ and coaches’ concerns growing every day about their star setter.

It was then that he received a message from a friend from home. A small smile cracking through the emotionless exterior that Oikawa gained after that day. It was a message from Iwaizumi in a group chat with Oikawa, Mattsun, and Makki. It was telling Oikawa to get his sorry ass to Japan. Soon after Mattsun and Makki sent messages of their own, voicing their concerns over their former captain. Oikawa’s vision became blurry as he stared at the messages. Tears began to stream down his face as everything came back to him. The emotions he buried deep down resurfacing. The pain in his heart every time he sees you post a photo on your social media with your new partner. Feeling the claws of guilt and regret pulling him down. He collapsed on his bed, staring at the ceiling as tears continued to escape from his eyes.

His phone dinged, but he didn’t want to look. He wasn’t sure how long he laid there, but it must’ve been a while due to his phone suddenly ringing. Pulling him back to reality as he sat up to grab his phone to answer.

“Hello?” he croaked.

There was a sigh on the other end of the line. Oikawa could tell without looking at the caller ID that it was Iwaizumi.

“Come back to Japan, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi said, “Let us get your mind back on track.”

A bitter laugh escaped from Oikawa before turning into a choked sob as more tears streamed down his cheeks.

“How exactly will coming back put me on track?”

“Well staying away and trying to play through whatever is going through your head obviously isn’t helping you, Shittykawa.”

Oikawa sighed. He knew Iwa was right. Trying to act like he was okay when he obviously isn’t, isn’t doing him or his team any good. It’s hurting their chances of going further in their season. It’s the reason he’s been getting benched, even if he tries to ignore that’s the truth.

“You still there?” Iwa’s voice echoed, bringing Oikawa back.

“Yea,” he sighed, shakily, “I’m here.”

“Come home, Tooru,” Iwa sighed.

Oikawa bit his lip to try to prevent himself from crying any more than he already has, but that was proving difficult with how genuine and concerned Iwa’s voice was as he said Oikawa’s name.

“Alright,” Oikawa answered quietly, “I’ll talk to coach and see if I can get some time off to come home.”

“Good. Let me know when you’re getting here. I’ll pick you up from the airport,” Iwa stated.

“Thank you, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa sniffled.

“Just get your pathetic self home,” Iwa groaned, trying to hide the fact that he was relieved his friend would be coming home.

“Rude, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa gasped but relaxed upon hearing a soft chuckle on the other end of the line.

“I’ll see you soon,” Iwaizumi stated before ending the call.

It wasn’t until later in the week that Oikawa stepped foot onto Japanese soil. A mask covering his face, sunglasses covering his eyes, and a hat on his head. Trying to conceal himself as he made his way to the familiar face of Iwaizumi waiting for him. Oikawa was staying with Iwaizumi while he was in Japan for a little while. On his first night back, Iwaizumi took Oikawa to a bar where the two met up with Mattsun and Makki. The four sat in a corner as they drank and caught up with each other. Trying to get Oikawa’s mind off everything. However, their efforts proved futile as an all too familiar laugh reached Oikawa’s ears. His friends could see their friend freeze in his spot, eyes wide as he stared at his drink not daring to allow himself to look around to find you.

The others heard it too. They knew you were here, they saw you enter with your friends. Their efforts of keeping Oikawa occupied increased knowing you were here and hoped he wouldn’t notice. Oikawa closed his eyes as he took a deep breath before allowing himself to lift his eyes. His breath caught in his throat as his gaze landed on you as you stood at the bar with your friends. A large smile on your face. You looked so happy and it made his heart break as he saw how much your eyes seemed to sparkle. It’s been so long since he’s seen you this happy. Looking back, your eyes never sparkled like they are now… You knew his secret and put up a show for him so he wouldn’t know. How did he miss that the sparkle was missing from your eyes? Did he really become that oblivious towards your emotions?

Another person walked into the bar, pulling Oikawa from his thoughts. He knew who they were. It was your partner and you greeted them with a big hug and a kiss. Oikawa bit his lip, remembering how much he misses your kisses and your hugs. God, does he miss your hugs… they were so reassuring to him. Making him feel like he wasn’t falling apart after a rough day as you kissed his tears away.

“Oikawa.”

He tore his gaze away from you and your partner to look at Iwaizumi, only now noticing how his gaze has become slightly blurrier than before.

“We can leave, you know,” Iwa reminded.

“Yea, we can go to my place and play some games,” Makki added.

The three watched as Oikawa deflated before giving them a defeated nod.

“Okay,” he sighed before looking up again to you.

Your eyes suddenly caught his gaze, surprise evident in your eyes upon seeing him here. Oikawa watched as your partner looked his way before giving you a kiss on the temple, gaining your attention again as they slipped their arms around your waist. A calm smile on your lips as you looked up at them before resting your head on their shoulder, just like you would with him.  Oikawa couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on his lips at the scene.

“I’m just glad y/n is happier,” he whispered as his smile became bitter and full of hurt.

Oikawa was still in love with you. Why did he ever cheat on you? Why did he hurt you as much as he did? His heart is heavy with regret for everything he has done. Knowing that even if he had a chance to tell you that, he lost his chance with you. As Oikawa leaves the bar with his friends, he looks over his shoulder once more to catch another glimpse of you because he misses how much happier he was with you.

©2021 CLODOVIA | do not repost, copy, edit, or claim any of my works as your own. just don’t plagiarize it’s not that hard please.

[the-spam-specialist]

“You Give Me Light” but it’s only the parts that made you sad

And made you want to punch me in my stupid face for making you feel things

*Spoilers for the NEO Arc and Addison Arc ahead*

“Welcome to our room,” you said, crouching down and putting a hand on Spamton’s shoulder. He didn’t move. He simply stood there, taking it all in. It got to the point where it started to concern you just a bit, but before you could ask him if he was alright, you could see tears streaming down his face. You gave a small, sad smile, “Aw, buddy…”

You pulled him into a hug, and he gripped your clothes tightly, burying his face into your shoulder. You rubbed his back soothingly, patiently waiting for him to calm down. You couldn’t blame him for getting emotional, not one bit. He had been living in a dumpster for lord knows how long. When was the last time he slept in an actual bed? Or had a room to sleep in the first place? The fact that the answer was most likely years was enough to make your chest hurt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

You threw the covers off of yourself and sprang out of bed, running the short distance to Spamton’s bedside. You couldn’t see perfectly in the dark, but Spamton’s tossing and turning were unmistakable. He was gripping his head, glitching out as he muttered frightfully in his sleep.

You took a shaky breath. Another night terror. A bad one, at that. No matter how much you shook Spamton’s shoulders and called his name, he wouldn’t wake up. You were hoping that this would be one of the easier ones to deal with, but this nightmare had a firm hold on him. You were determined to make your hold stronger.

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“Now now, calm down, young one,” the bird said soothingly, stopping your pleas. You held your hands to your chest, tears beginning to well up in your eyes. Swatch sighed slightly, “You care deeply for him, don’t you?”

“I...I just want to help him…” you sniffled. You wiped your eyes, “I don’t want him to be scared anymore…”  

You were genuinely surprised and shocked when Swatch suddenly walked away, but you were put at ease when you saw that they were just making their way around the counter. They came over to you and knelt down, gently pulling you into a comforting embrace. You buried your face into their shoulder, tears streaming down your face. It was all true. All you wanted was for Spamton to stop hurting. To forgive himself for what happened in the basement. You didn’t realize just how much of this had been building up inside you. And Swatch was letting you get it all out.

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“I always [[Feeling Down?]] when I wake up in your [[XL Bed]]. It just means that [You] had to wake up and [[Time Waster]] on taking care of [Me]. All because I’m [Afraid]. Because I am a [Pathetic] coward.” His voice cracked and he began to lightly shake. Tears beaded up in his eyes. He sniffled as he brought a hand to his forehead and lowered his head.

“No...no no no, buddy, don’t say that.” You reached forward and picked him up, pulling him into your lap and wrapping your arms around him. You held him close, “Don’t  ever  say that. You have every right to be upset after what happened. It’s natural.”

“But I don’t have the [Right] to [Drag You Down] into it,” he sobbed. You began rubbing his back soothingly.  

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“The [Power of NEO]...” He muttered under his breath. Slowly, his hands released each other, and he carefully reached for the Disk. He was mere centimeters away from touching it. Suddenly, his face darkened. All the wonder and excitement evaporated in an instant. He quickly withdrew his hand and rapidly shook his head, crying out, “NO!”

This took you all by surprise. The sharp mood change was jarring. You tried to calm him, “Hey, hey, easy now. What’s wrong?”

Something in Spamton snapped. You didn’t know if the Disk triggered it or his own thoughts. He stepped away from you and raised his voice, a feral and furious look in his eyes, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN [WHAT’S WRONG]?! LAST TIME I [BECAME NEO] I TRIED TO TAKE YOUR [[HEART-SHAPED OBJECT]]!! I THOUGHT BECOMING A [BIG SHOT] WAS WORTH [KILLING] YOU!!”

You quickly shook your head, dismissing the idea that he would attempt anything like that again, “It won’t be like that this time! You can control yourself now! I promise!”

“YOU DON’T [KNOW] THAT! DON’T MAKE [PROMISES] THAT YOU CAN’T KEEP!” The puppet snapped at you.

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Spamton was okay now. His HP was maxed out and he was no longer wounded. Everything was alright. It was over. There was no more danger. He wasn’t in any more danger. Everything was fine, damn it. It was fine! So why? Why were your eyes filling with tears? Why were you choking on your words? You took shallow breaths as you tried to calm down. Everyone was looking at you with concern. Everything except for Swatch.

The bird butler put a wing on your back, catching your attention. You looked up at them. They smiled softly, their voice gentle as they simply told you, “It’s okay.”

You broke. The adrenaline rush, the near-death experience, seeing your friend get beaten down to the brink of death, it all came crashing down onto you. You looked at Spamton, tears running down your face, and you hugged his head, burying your face in his hair. You managed to get words out between your sobs.

“I-I...I a-almost lost y-you…”

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“Spamton, please, you don’t have to do this! We’re you’re family! We’ll protect you!” Yellow said, trying to gain the courage to approach him.

Pink and Orange said nothing. But they both jumped when Spamton let out a strained laugh, “Family? FAMILY?! (Y/N)’s been more [[Family Deals]] to me than you [[Awful Lot]] ever were! They never [Abandoned] me for the [Slime]! They [Saved] me from living in a goddamn [Garbage Can]! They’re actually [Proud] of me! THEY ACTUALLY [CARE] ABOUT ME! DON’T [PRETEND] LIKE YOU FOUR DO [NOW]!”

Some steam vented from Spamton’s mouth as he finished. Your eyes were wide, but no amount of shock would compare to the amount the Addisons were showing. Blue was covering their mouth and crying. Yellow was gripping Pink tightly. Orange simply stood there with his head down. They didn’t get a chance to say a single word as Spamton took off, leaving them behind.

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Spamton held up a hand to make you stop talking. He grabbed the NEO Disk and offered it to you. You took it and set it aside before trying to speak to him again. Once more, he interrupted you. His entire body glowed green and he weakly patted you on the head, bringing you back to full HP. You frowned deeply and grabbed his hand, but him gripping tightly back held back any words you were trying to say.

His voice was quiet, but you could hear it cracking. Tears fell off his face and splattered on the dirt, “I...I [Don’t] want to...I [Don’t] want to [Talk] about it...not right now…”

You nodded lightly. You didn’t need to say anything. And you didn’t need him to tell you anything. All you could do at this point was pull him into a warm embrace, stroking his hair as his pained cries echoed throughout the Dark World.

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Spamton was very quiet the next day.

It all started when you entered the Dark World. He wasn’t waiting for you. Ralsei told you that he hadn’t seen him all day, that he was most likely still in your bedroom. So you had rushed over to the castle and found Spamton still in bed, completely out of it with his glasses covered in static. You had managed to snap him out of it, but he wasn’t himself for the entire day. He hardly ate the french fries you got him for lunch. Very few words came from him when he spoke, and even then, he spoke in a shallow volume. His glasses were constantly dark, looking down as if he was deep in thought. You had never seen him like this before. And...it scared you.

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“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to…” You growled, your hands balling into fists. You gritted your teeth as you felt your anger rise. “Do you have any idea what that stunt last night did to Spamton? Do you know how he feels right now? He’s completely shut down! Even I can’t snap him out of it!”

“I-I...I didn’t-”

“But, of course, I have to ask myself: why am I telling you this? Why do I expect you to care? You haven’t shown any bit of interest in him since he came here to Castle Town! You didn’t care about him before and I don’t believe for one second that you care about him now! You stopped caring for him when he made it big! You all got jealous! So jealous that you left him behind when he needed you most! God damn it, you’re his brother; you should have realized something was wrong!  For heaven’s sake, DID YOU EVEN LOOK FOR HIM WHEN HE WENT MISSING?!”  You took a deep inhale as you finally, after all this time, let it all out. You were shaking. Your throat hurt from yelling. You couldn’t help it as tears formed in your eyes and started rolling down your face. “Did...did you even look for him…?”

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Spamton reacted to each of your points. His feet shifted when you mentioned his size, his wings had fluttered, his cannon hand had flexed, and he ran a hand through his hair. He looked back down at you, crouching down eventually sitting on his knees, “So…that’s what you [See]? Just [Me]? Nothing…nothing [else]?”

You didn’t like where this was going, but you nodded anyway, “Yup. It’s just you. It’s always been just you.”

“So, you [Don’t]...y-y-you…” Spamton was suddenly shaking, stuttering greatly. You got up off the bed and slowly approached him. You were shocked when he looked up at you, tears in his eyes, “You [Don’t] see a [Monster]?”

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“They…” Spamton’s glasses flickered to static for a brief moment, “They really [Care]?”

“Deep down, I guess they always cared.” You suddenly remembered a detail that Orange had told you, “They looked for you, you know. When you went missing. Orange told me that they searched for weeks. And that Blue…that he never stopped looking for you.”

“Th-They…they [Looked] for me…they [Actually] looked for me?” He started tearing up again, shaking once more, “Bluey…”

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The Entirety of the Family Drama Arc Finale Chapter

[lyallblacklupin]

The regretful Moony.

This full moon something had happened, and Remus knows that it is only his fault. He hasn’t been to the Hospital Wing, not only because that he is perfectly fine (no maimed or broken bone, just few scratches) but for the fact he will have to come face to face with an unconscious Sirius Black, severely injured by the wolf.

“Moony, please don’t stress over this. Sirius will be okay.”

Peter had ushered towards Remus, sitting on the floor beside his knees dangling from his four poster bed.

“How can you even say that!? He is dying because of me!” Remus had bellowed at Peter for the first time in the morning after the horrible full moon, and then regretted at once as he saw him going white in the face. However, Remus had remained quiet while hollowness welling up inside him.

Remus had hurt his bestfriend during his time being a werewolf, he hadn’t just attacked a person, neither just a friend but he had wounded Sirius Black, for whom he wouldn’t trade anything in the world, someone he had been in love since Merlin knows how long.

Without having to realize, Remus had severely hurt himself, despite of his physical injuries he was weighing a lot of compunction that was wrenching his own heart into tiny pieces. How were they supposed to heal? Remus wouldn’t forgive himself for what he had done.

Astonishing was that Remus hadn’t rolled a single tear yet because he thought he didn’t deserve to cry, he wasn’t the victim, Sirius was!

The dormitory had become blue and gloomy, no scarlet walls could bring the warmth back since the night that had led Sirius Black to the Hospital Wing and now that two days had passed away, people’s murmurings had started haunting Remus like a worse nightmare in his already traumatic life.

They are talking about shifting Black to St. Mungo’s!

Oh! Is it so? Why?

Yes! Everyone says that he was attacked by an animal!

Oh poor Black! He is stupid but he is very handsome.

Remus was completely daunted in the face, shuffling his feet around the castle while his mind drowning into the oceans of guilt and pain.

“Say the password, Scarred person?” said the Fat Lady. Remus didn’t realize that he had been sauntering from the Astronomy Tower and now had come to a halt at the Gryffindor Tower.

“Caput Leonis.” said a familiar voice which had become very despaired now. James Potter was standing behind Remus with a weak smile on his face. His face had no light of forever optimism, as though as part of him had been burned into ashes. As a matter of fact, it did, Remus thought. James’ other half had always been Sirius Black who had gone into a deep sleep and didn’t even tell when his bedtime will be over. Remus can tell that James had been stressing for his best friend, who meant the whole world to him. How could any one not hate him for this? Remus said mentally to himself, and it was certainly not a question.

However, James grasped his shoulder that had suddenly caught him by surprise.

“Moony, its going to be alright. I promise.” James spoke his polite tone that leapt Remus’ heart. He felt a lump forming in his throat and his eyes felt certain prickling, and before he knew it, his vision was obscured by tears which suddenly were streaming down his face. He began to bawl like a baby and for the first time he was not crying on Sirius’ shoulder, which was something that made him wept even more awfully.James cradled his arms around him. They were still standing in front of the Fat Lady who was silently sniffling to see them sunk in their sorrows.

James patted Remus’ back but he wouldn’t break apart. Why would he? He had been aggrieved the most of all! It was just like a needle had accidently touched the water balloon and now the pain had to gush out. James might had understood him since he was still rubbing his back without saying a word against his behavior. Remus had a hunch that James had known the certain special bond of him and Sirius which was none like brotherly bond as James and Sirius. It was so much more than that.

Sirius was Remus Lupin’s emotional support ever since he could remember. He was mischievous with James, he would tease Peter but when it came to Remus, he would help him to recognize his emotions and express them since Remus was never good with expressing his sentiments. Sirius would always suggest to sit calmly so that he could listen to him for hours.

He missed him. So much!

“Why don’t you go to the Hospital Wing to see him?” James broke apart to face him, sniffing, while his eyes were blood flecked.

“No...I-How...?” Remus murmured, wiping his already flooded face.

“Go and sit with him, talk to him, tell him that he will be alright-“

“HOW CAN I TELL HIM THAT HE WILL BE ALRIGHT WHEN HE CAN’T!? HUH?” Remus bellowed.

“Because he will be!” James eyes were tensed, “And stop blaming yourself for what happened!” He had become suddenly so serious that reminded Remus of McGonagall’ face when a student is late in her class.

Amidst the silence hanging between them, James escorted Remus into the Gryffindor Tower. They were soon sinking in their armchairs of the common room which was almost empty. Almost. Lily Evans was sitting on her chair. Her rare emerald eyes caught the presence of James and Remus and she abruptly stood up, wearing a a distressed look on her beautiful face.

“Remus!” She exclaimed and approached him. Lily was now talking to him. However to him only, not looking at James. “How’s Sirius?”

Before, Remus could gather his tiny ounce of strength to answer her, James intervened.

“Oh wow! Evans is concerned to Remus while Padfoot is my brother!”

Remus couldn’t process what had just happened before James stomped flat-footed from the common room to his dormitory. Remus could not be more remorseful, or else the option of dying or running far away sounded appealing in his head.

Lily stood quietly, her eyes narrowing in embarrassment.

“Lily, I’m sorry, James is just-“

“Don’t mention it, I know he must be going through hell.” She said.

If that was so, then Remus had been going through something worse than hell.

“Then why didn’t you ask him? He’s right. Sirius is just like his very own brother. Hell, he’s everything to him!” Remus spoke defensively.

“I’m just- you know what, forget it. How are you?” She was guilty which Remus could detect in her emerald eyes.

Lily sat with Remus for an hour and he realized that she had been a great diversion from this hell. The hell in which his mind was all about ‘Sirius might not make it.’. Nevertheless, she wasn’t an exception soon herself.

“So, why aren’t you visiting Sirius in the Hospital Wing?”

Remus’ heart dropped in his stomach.

“He must hate me, of course.”

“Why?”

“Because this was all my fault, Lily! He’s in there because of me, he’s wounded because of me, HE IS DYING BECAUSE OF ME!” Remus was practically yelling but Lily was staring him with her mesmerizing green eyes so serenely. He lowered his face, staring the carpeted floor dejectedly and letting few tears to escape from his eyes. Soft and fragile hands caressed his shoulders and Lily Evans had embraced him earnestly.

“You’re a very pure person, Remus. And I know that no one can understand you better than Sirius. He knows how genuine you are. He will never hate you. I haven’t known Sirius a lot but the one thing I’ve seen by the eye that cannot deceive me, is that none can value friendships as much as Sirius Black does. He is very loyal.”

Lily’s head was resting on his shoulder as he felt her breath in his ear.

Remus didn’t say anything but he knew that she was saying nothing but truth. They broke apart from their hug and Lily’s eyes were promising that urged him to thank her in a way that could make her happiest, but there was no courage after how James had stormed off. James was way more important to him than Lily Evans. 

She walked back to her dormitory, leaving him in loneliness. It brought guilt and tormenting memories of the night when the werewolf lunged at Sirius and jabbed his chest, maimed his limbs and almost bit him... it was all a blur but a part of him remembered attacking.

I could have bit him! Remus said under his breath so not a single soul could hear, and a sudden surge of pain ran through his leg from his spine, shuddering at the memory.

Remus had sunken into the armchair, cozying himself by the fireplace and he fell asleep.

“Moony! Moony! Wake up!”

Remus’ body ached as he managed to open his heavy lids and saw Peter and James hovering up on him. He abruptly sit up, rubbing his eyes.

“Sirius!”

His heart sank at the mention of the name.

“They’re taking him to St.Mungo’s!”

And his heart stopped, as though he was spinning in a realm where suddenly the floor had disappeared and the limbs had became paralyzed. The worst had come.

The next thing, Remus Lupin saw was the stretcher being taken by healers that had the body of Sirius Black, his skin was pale and ice cold.

“SIRIUS!”

Remus Lupin was still sitting on his armchair and the fire had died away. It was just a dream. A terrible dream. His eyes were heavy and so was his heart.

The night had befallen as the common room became darker and Remus didn't move from his chair. Going to the dormitory was an invitation to a fight with James while roaming in the castle was no less than a hell where people eyed him and whispered about Sirius Black. He sighed in defeat. He was tired of being tired, hopeless and so pathetic. He was running away from this new fear which was being hated and disgusted by his best friend who was also someone he’d been falling for. I have to face this or else I am a coward, Remus thought. His inner spirit woke up as he sprang to his feet and without thinking, he ran down to the castle. He was running faster than when he was a werewolf. 

"Madam Pomfrey!" Remus came to a halt at the door of Hospital Wing, his heart hammering in his chest. Madam Pomfrey came with a glare on her face.

"Do you realize that this is a Hospital where the patients are supposed to be sleeping at this hour, Mr. Lupin?" She frowned.

"I am sorry." He pulled himself together. "I was-I want to see Sirius Black."

His heart did a weird thing, and his throat felt dry. Madam Pomfrey gawked at him, the creases on her forehead were gradually vanishing. Remus thought he saw a little smile on her mouth.

"I am glad, then." He was right as she was smiling at him, while he was bemused at her happiness.

"Really?" He asked.

"Of course! Mr. Black had always been in here at your times, now you could pay him back."

Remus' stomach lurched and blood was racing in him rapidly that he thought that he was going to lose his balance. He gathered his scattered impulses and insecurities into one giant courage, and he walked into the Hospital Wing.

His heart suddenly sank as his amber eyes found the person he had come to meet. He approached to the bed, holding back his fear and tears at once.

Sirius Black was sleeping a three day long and deep slumber. His skin was nowhere to be seen since it was plastered almost everywhere.  Fortunately his iconic black hair were revealing, probably that's how Remus had recognized him, which also made him smile. He reached out to stroke those hair affectionately, staring at his peaceful face that had always been so stunning. His skin was snow white with a touch of pink, as though numerous microscopic roses were planted on the snow capped field.

Remus recalled what James had said, Go and sit with him, talk to him, tell him that he will be alright.

“Sirius?” Remus leaned closer to the sleeping beauty and cooed in his ear so lovingly, just like a mother summoning her child to wake up for school so that he wouldn’t start bawling.  “Can you hear me? My heart says you can.” He was now inches away from his face, his eyes might had been fixed at the serene face but his heart had overtaken his thoughts.

“Stop pretending, I know why you’re doing this. You want me to feel what hell is like.” A drop of tear splattered on Sirius’ cheek and then he realized that he was crying.

Well, you win! It’s killing me to see you like this! You promised me that you will always be there for me. Well now I need you! I need you, Padfoot.” His voice had become unrecognizable, which was somewhere between a whimper and a howl. “Wake up! Please! For my sake!”

Remus shook him but there was response. He buried his forehead on the pillow, his right ear brushed with Sirius’ while his hands grasping Sirius’ left arm which was the only part which had left uninjured. After a lingering moment, Remus realized that Sirius was not going to wake up. I will not give up on you, Remus said in his head. He was suddenly startled by a sound. Sniffing. He turned around and found no one and he stood there, dumfounded. He haven’t yet ignored completely when the voice echoed the Hospital Wing again.

“Whoever it is, I’m not scared of you!” Remus sounded valiant, expecting that no one could dare to reply.

But someone was not really a no-one because to Remus’ horror,  a reply came in a familiar voice, “A hidden person does not always mean to scare people, Remus.”

Remus whipped his head around but not a single figure was spotted. And then suddenly, he stumbled back to see a figure standing before him. The figure’s silver hair was enough for Remus to recollect his memory that he had been looking at Albus Dumbledore.

However, he was not alone. Someone was accompanying him, behind his grey cloak. The untidy hair and rectangular-shaped spectacles. That was none other than James Potter.

“James?” Remus’ voice was a faint whisper.

“Mister Potter was wandering in the castle to look for his friend, worrying where he had gone.” said Dumbledore. “He thought that his friend might never pave his way to Hospital Wing so he kept straining his limbs to the library, then to the Boys’ lavatory and finally passing by my residence.”

“But I was wearing-“ James innocently began to argue.

“The Invisibility Cloak, Certainly. A very rare cloak, indeed. Hmm.” Dumbledore’s twinkling eyes travelled to the bed of Sirius. He walked to his side, brushing his long fingers on the bandaged forehead.

“Such a mischievous soul.” He said under his breath but Remus had heard him, gawking his face which was smiling so warmly at Sirius and then he looked directly at Remus, as though he had known that he was being watched.

“Remus, Looks like your friend really needed you.” Dumbledore had his hand rested on Sirius’ forehead. “He is healing now.”

Remus felt as if a grain of hope had just been bowed into him, but it was desperate to grow.

“Professor,” Remus spoke, “He is not going to St. Mungo’s, is he?”

“He is never leaving without letting his friends know. Mister Black never does anything quietly. You and James ought to know that, huh?”

Dumbledore’s eyes— as Remus feared—landed on Remus. His eyes tried to communicate the language of silence. Remus bored his naïve gaze into his, hoping to understand, but he was never successful. Suddenly, a deafening crash startled James and Remus that came from across the hallway. However, Dumbledore couldn’t be more calm.

“James, why don’t you tell Peeves that Bloody Baron is very angry today?”

“Yes, Headmaster.” James scurried away from the Hospital Wing.

The magnificent doors of the Hospital swayed to shut together and a wisp of silver light had landed on the door handles, locking them away. Remus turned to look at Dumbledore who had his wand in his hand.

“Remus, do you recall the night I came to your house and told you that you were invited to Hogwarts as a student? Can you reminisce that day?” He asked while conjuring up two chairs beside Sirius.

Remus cringed at the memory but replied, “Vividly.”

“Remarkable!”

“How is that so remarkable, Professor?”

“You see, As I can recall, you told me that you were a monster-“

“And I am!” Remus interrupted but Dumbledore ignored him.

“-But do you remember what I told you instead?"

Remus opened his mouth and then shut it quickly, reminiscing the words of the angel that came to his house to change his course of life.

In this moment, right in front of me, all i can see Remus Lupin. A clever and young wizard, who cannot wait to prove his worth. So, Remus, I will ask you again. Would you like to come to Hogwarts?

The voice saying those words sounded so vivid that his gaze was fixed at the person who had said them. Albus Dumbledore was that angel.

“Yes.” Remus’ voice barely audible but the Headmaster had heard him.

“My dear, it is not our abilities or misfortune that proves us what we are, it is our choices. And becoming a werewolf is not your choice, Remus.”

Dumbledore had rested his both hands on the shoulders of Remus, staring down at with a smile that seemed like a medication that had started to heal him.

“What happened that night, doesn’t define your friendship. But...“ Dumbledore faltered and squinted to look directly in those guilty eyes of Remus Lupin and said, “...staying away from the Hospital, does.”

Remus felt as if he had been jabbed right in the chest and now his guilt was brand new. He was a pathetic friend who was hiding in the places where Sirius wouldn’t expect him to be.

Dumbledore gave Remus a warm smile and then walked away, leaving Remus alone with Sirius.

                                                        ----------

The birds were chirping which had always been annoying for Sirius when the walls of their dormitory used to be as warm as their color. When James would start groaning and Peter would join him too. This was how Remus’ morning had always been before the werewolf had attacked Sirius.

Remus could feel his body aching from sleeping in a chair. The sun rays were hitting at his face as he could feel their warmth against his skin. Remus didn’t open his eyes yet, and the birds weren’t stopping their singing. Remus wished if his mornings were still the same as before. He longed for Sirius’ ranting over birds, hoping he could hear it again when——

“Stop that horrible singing!”

Remus jumped in his chair, his eyes wide opened as he had recognized that same voice he had not heard since three days.

Sirius Black was sitting up on his bed who wore his usual bossy expressions. His eyes hadn’t yet found Remus as he kept his face to his constant left. Remus could see him cursing under his breath. He was at loss of words, his heart was swelling up with so many emotions hitting in him possibly everywhere in his body. He stood behind Sirius’ bed, as quiet as a cat.

“Nasty birds! And-I AM PERFECTLY FINE!” He bellowed to the walls of the Hospital Wing, as he stretched his arms, inspecting his injuries. “Just a little scratch-ouch!” He sprang up as he had touched the crimson wound on his palm. “Okay maybe I’m not completely perfect...” He was naively talking to himself while Remus hadn’t yet gathered the strength to express his relief that was surging in him so richly at the sight of his nightmare befalling, fucking finally.

“Si-“ he couldn’t began when he was cut off by Madam Pomfrey.

“Out of my way! Out of my way!” She came racing to Sirius’ bed, wrestling away from the flood of first year students outside the doors of Hospital Wing. “Mr. Black! You are not supposed to scratch your wounds!”

“But I am fine! I wanna get off this coffin!” He kicked his sheet and-

“OWWWW!” A current of sharp spasm must have passed through his leg as his face had turned pale and he wore a surrendered look on his already annoyed face.

“I told you! You cannot leave this bed for the next two days.” She glared at him. “Also, we’ll need to send your family a letter about your conditions.”

“Ah! They’ll be most aggrieved to hear that I’m still not dead.” He sighed and Madam Pomfrey gasped at him as she began to unwrap his bandages. Some of his wounds had turned brown and purplish blue. Remus gawked at them noiselessly from his behind, also surprised to himself for not been noticed by Sirius yet.

“Why would you say such thing?” Madam Pomfrey continued to make conversation with him, however Sirius seemed mundane.

“Believe me, You don’t wanna be in my place. Besides- I already have a family here so I never felt deprived.” He said and She smiled at him, and Remus saw her glancing at him for few moments. She didn’t give Sirius any hints of Remus’ presence, as if on purpose. “I miss James. I even miss Peter...”

Remus suddenly felt a pang on his chest, as though he had been hit by a whip. Why didn’t Sirius mention him? Was he still angry with him? Did he really started hating him?

“But someone I miss the most, should not see me like this or else... he will kill me before these wounds does.” He said under his breath, smirking to himself.

Remus was frozen still like a sculpture. Whereas, Madam Pomfrey had dabbed a green, slimy potion on one of Sirius’ last lesions. She had swaddled the white gauze-like cloth on his treated injuries, before she walked out of the hospital.

Remus composed himself and walked before Sirius’ bed. Sirius’ gaze suddenly caught the man standing before, his grey eyes filled with utter bewilderment, while his body went rigid like a knight. Remus couldn’t tell if he was shocked or surprise...or just scared?

Remus wasn’t sure if he could smile at him. So the both of them just stared each other, unable to utter a word as though their mouths couldn’t suffice to comprehend what their hearts were feeling.

After a pregnant moment of being lost in each other’s gaze, Remus gave up the game and finally spoke, “How are you, Pads?”

“Uh-I- Umm...” Sirius coughed as he had surely dried up his throat by his mouth being parted for so long. “I’m fine. How you’ve been?”

Remus didn’t feel good. This was not how he had imagined meeting Sirius after he had awaken from his almost death. This didn’t lessened his love for him though, and yet there had come a layer of discomfort between them.

Remus was never a liar. And surely he couldn’t be a liar to Sirius Black. If there was one thing Sirius had always loved about him, was his bluntness because he was Sirius Black, who had never failed to compliment the eccentric and uncommon choices. Remus glanced at his anxious face, and then looked away.

“Hell.” Remus murmured.

Out of nowhere, something surged through both of them at the accurate time. It all happened very unforeseeably fast when Remus and Sirius collapsed in each others’ arms. Sirius didn’t seem to care about his injuries because he was holding Remus very tightly. They were both soaked into each other’s warmth and Remus felt liberated as his body, against his will, shook as he let himself weep in Sirius’ shoulder. He was never going to let go of him. He would hold him for an eternity if he had to. Remus had clutched his infirmary shirt and he continued to sob.

“Hey hey hey, its okay. I’m more than fine, Moony.” Sirius had his arms gripped around the trembling Remus as he spoke into his ear. “Please don’t cry.”

“This-was-all my-my fault!”

“What? No! That was mine! And this is why I was afraid to face you that you’ll yell it my irresponsible action.” Sirius said.

“What are you talking about?” Remus sniffed as he released himself from Sirius’ embrace to sit up before him.

“I insisted on staying the night at the Shack and James and Peter told me not to because we haven’t yet become habitual to our Animagi form. And then turns out they were right. I couldn’t change myself into a dog and then the wolf caught me.”

Remus stared at him, mouth was wide open.

“Oh yeah and by the way, We are becoming Animagi. I-I mean, for you. You know to help you so so so...."

Sirius voice trailed off as Remus was not quite blinking, his mouth was parted, an unreadable expression etched to his face. Animagi? He was not able to decide whether he should cry out of gratitude for his friends to care about his transformation or to be angry for being so recklessly immature for risking their lives for the a werewolf. He heard Sirius murmur something under his breath which broke him out of his trance of dazedness. His face was already sticky from the old tears.

"What?" He asked in a whisper. His throat felt like it had grown thorns.

"Nothing, its just that James' gonna kill me that I reveal the surprise in his absence."

"Surprise? You think its a surprise?" Remus asked coldly, as he narrowed his eyes at his direction.

"Yes?" Sirius was right, Remus thought, to be scared of him since Remus was not having this bullshit of his friends going through something so extremely complex, and not to mention for becoming illegal to the wizarding world at the age of 15, for throwing themselves in death in full awareness. No! bloody hell no!

"Are you guys out of your fucking mind!?" He snapped so harshly that made Sirius flinch "You want to make a pack by becoming freaking Animagi! Didn't you people think before putting fucking leaves in your mouth that you'll be accompanying a dangerous creature which could kill you in a heartbeat?"

"Remus, werewolves don't act the way they do in front of human. You wont hurt us—"

"And what if I do? huh? What if I do hurt you one of you, I will become a murderer who let his best friends to follow him into a death trap. And do you think I will be able to live with myself if I kill you guys?"

"Remus..."

"I won't be able to live without you guys...none of you will be able understand my pain when you won't be here because of me..."

His voice fainted as he pushed passed the lump that had formed in his throat, which resulted in hot tears to drop on the sheet of Sirius' bed. He let his head fall, his hunched shoulders supporting his dangling head as he gripped the sheets. He sobbed and sobbed, over his fate, internally wishing for a second life in which he didn't have to be a werewolf.

"Look at me." Sirius said rather plainly but Remus shook his head. He didn't want to meet Sirius' fierce look. He was too ashamed to meet the gaze. He knew that all his friends wanted was the best for him because they genuinely cared for him, especially Sirius. He trusted Sirius with his life.

A cold hand softly grasped his wrist which finally made Remus to look up, and he saw Sirius staring with those burning silver eyes, concern swimming in them.

"Life is not fair. It is not, Moony. Everyone is going through something very unfair in their lives. And we cannot measure their miseries with ours, because if we do that we will just make our lives even more miserable." Remus dared to intertwined his fingers with Sirius' which laced back just as tight. "All we can do is to live this unfair life instead of surviving it. Sure, you go through the most terrible thing every month, Moony, and you can't do anything to undo it. But you can make it a little less terrible, be a little more forgiving on yourself. Don't put unnecessary debts on yourself, you are too fragile for that." The last part made Remus to let out a watery chuckle, grip of his hand in Sirius' tightened.

"Besides, Moony, this isn't a favor we are doing to you. We are favoring ourselves because it pains us to see you suffer. We can lessen that pain by being there for you."

Remus saw Sirius' expression go tensed, his frown deepening, his wide eyes fixed on their intertwined, and biting down his bottom lip. Remus realized that he was struggling to not to cry. He'd never seen Sirius cry. Remus shook their laced hands for the other to look up. When silver met amber, the world seemed secure around Remus. He knew that he couldn't thank far enough for this blessing that sat before him. If his lycanthropy was a curse, then a blessing was far too great.

“You make my pain easier.” Remus whispered.

“I do?” Sirius asked in a singing voice. Remus nodded. 

“Then promise me that you’ll never leave me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of leaving.”

It was okay because Sirius was in life and that was enough. He will always love him. His love will grow each day more.

[edenbrookcelestial]

cold as you || [ethan ramsey x mc]

summary: love doesn’t always burn. sometimes, it freezes.

warnings: angst, harsh ethan.

author’s notes: song title from taylor swift’s cold as you, story inspired by it.

word count: 2327

you have a way of coming easily to me and when you take, you take the very best of me so i start a fight 'cause i need to feel something and you do what you want 'cause i’m not what you wanted

“ ethan, please. ”

ethan touched a hand to his forehead, as though to soothe an ache building there. “ avalon. i don’t know what you want from me. ”

avalon stared for a moment, incredulous. “ what i want? ethan, i want something. anything. any sign that you’re willing to commit to this, to us, to me. ”

the man closed his eyes and turned toward the window of his office, gazing out at the city buzzing below. “ does everything have to be such a drama with you? ” he mused aloud, driving yet another knife deeper into the younger doctor’s heart.

she gritted her teeth and blinked away the tears threatening to spill; no, she would not give him the satisfaction. “ one moment you say you want to be with me. the next, you’re telling me you can’t see a future.”

“ that’s not what i said, ” ethan murmured, a heavy sigh accompanying the words. ‘’ i said no one can know what the future holds.”

“ so you make a choice, ” she countered, voice like thunder. “ you choose to commit to a person, despite the fact that you don’t know what’s coming. ”

ethan’s mind wandered to the stack of paperwork currently cluttering up his desk. he moved to sit behind it and selected a pen, never once glancing up at avalon. “ i don’t have time for this.”

avalon watched as he began to fill in forms, the top of his fancy fountain pen tapping against his lower lip. she let out a humourless chuckle and clenched her fists, moving her gaze to her feet. “ no. you never do.”

ethan didn’t look up until after the door had swished open and shut, until avalon was long gone down the hallway.

oh, what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say and now that i’m sitting here thinking it through i’ve never been anywhere cold as you

the streets were slick with rain. thick clouds sagged and poured water down across the city, avalon’s thin grey hoodie a poor deterrent to the weather. by the time she’d made it three blocks away from the hospital, she was soaked to the bone. at least the rain covered her tears. how could she possibly have ended up here? aching for a man who shut her out more often than he ever let her in? she thought back to her first interaction with ethan; how cold and stand-offish he’d been. as she reflected on all the months that had passed since, she realised, that coldness had never quite thawed. his edges were still sharp enough to cut if one were to get too close. and every time she believed there’d been a breakthrough, she’d blink and find herself left outside in the rain all over again.

you put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray and i stood there loving you and wished them all away and you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

they say that insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. avalon had been fighting ethan’s defences since the moment they first met. over a year later and not a dent was to be found. at work, she threw herself into case after case, diagnosing the impossible, gaining respect and admiration from every coworker by her side. as great as it felt to be on top of her game professionally, nothing could help the drop she experienced once she clocked out. her friends dragged her to donahughes nightly, buying beers and betting on games of pool. she tried her best to enjoy herself, to show her friends that she appreciated their efforts. one night, a couple of weeks after their arguement in his office, avalon spotted ethan at the bar. he was out with several of the more senior doctors, harper emory, baz mirani, june hirata, even naveen. they hadn’t spoken much in a personal capacity in days. aurora, elijah, jackie, sienna, and bryce were all too aware of what was distracting the blonde junior doctor.

excusing herself to head to the bathroom, avalon kept her head down as she moved through the crowd. unfortunately, she’d have to pass ethan’s table to get to her destination, and she prayed fiercely to slip by unnoticed. however, once she was a mere few feet away, her name was spoken by harper, causing her to stall.

“ summers is doing very well, wouldn’t you say? ”

june shrugged, a glass of wine in her hand. “ she’s capable of the job. ’

baz rolled his eyes at his co-worker. “ she’s fantastic. she sees things the rest of us can’t, she’s diagnosed more patients this month than we have in a long time. you made a good call, boss. ” he nodded to naveen, who smiled serenely. his gaze flitted to ethan, his face carefully neutral.

“ and you, ethan? what do you think? ”

avalon held her breath, she shouldn’t really be listening in, but then again... they were discussing her. she strained to hear ethan’s words over the buzz of the crowd and the music playing from the jukebox across the way.

“ she’s capable. she works hard. ”

well, there were worse things he could have said.

june smirked over the rim of her glass. red wine swirling like blood. ‘’ that all you have to say about your favourite resident? ‘’ she bared her teeth in a wicked smile. “ we all know she follows you around like a lost little puppy dog. ” ethan smiled too, slightly strained.

“ ah, june. you know what residents are like. they get an idea in their head, they run with it. nothing more than idle gossip, and i would have thought you to be above listening to that. ”

avalon felt her heart shatter in all the places it once glowed under ethan’s remarks. without a word, she turned from the table and pushed through the crowd again, this time aiming for the door. her friends hadn’t noticed, still believing avalon to be in the bathroom. she was thankful for this, the tears pouring down her face making her distress obvious. but she didn’t want to talk about it. she was done talking about it, about him. she was just done.

you never did give a damn thing, honey, but i cried, cried for you and i know you wouldn't have told nobody if i died, died for you, died for you

how cliché was it possible for one person to get? not only had avalon fallen for her boss, now here she was, tissue box by her knees, sniffling through heartbroken tears. a half-eaten bar of chocolate in one hand, her phone in the other. in her earphones, my chemical romance soothed her ache. the muffled sounds of knocking at her bedroom door lifted her attention. she flung a pillow in that direction, which landed just short of the doorframe with a pathetic thwump. she rolled onto her side, taking another bite of her chocolate. like everything in her life these days, it was dark and bittersweet, and when she opened her mouth to yawn she tasted salt on her lips. she clenched her fists, crumpling the wrapper with a crinkle. when the night grew into early morning, she ventured from her room to wash her face and grab a drink. elijah was by the fridge when she got to the kitchen, his expression in the dim room one of concern. “ hey, av,” he greeted softly, wheeling over to the kitchen counter. “ hey, eli. ” she cleared her throat, hoarse from lack of use. “ early shift today? ” he shook his head. “ just couldn’t sleep. ” she nodded, understanding the feeling.

“ i know things haven’t been easy for you, lately, av… ” the breath hitched in her throat. he reached for her hand, warm and soft. “ i just want you to know, you deserve better. ” his voice was so earnest, his words so genuine. she meet his gaze, red-rimmed emerald on soft, caring brown. “ you deserve so much more than this. you deserve so much better. ” avalon blinked, more tears slipping down her face. elijah’s heart ached, at the sight of his friend so distraught. he loved her deeply, she was like a sister to him. and to see her broken-down and aching because of a guy? it killed him.

he squeezed her hand, tight, and she sat heavily on one of their wooden stools. her head found a resting spot on elijah’s shoulder. she sobbed, and he brought his arms around her, holding her to his chest “ i’m sorry, eli, i’m sorry. ” he hushed her gently. murmuring to her as he rubbed her shoulders in soothing circles.

“ you have nothing to be sorry for. it’s not your fault. ”

they sat like that for more than hour, until the barest hint of sunshine streamed in through a chink in the blinds.

oh, what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day every smile you fake is so condescending counting all the scars you made

“ doctor summers? ”

her stomach twisted in on itself. ethan’s voice was nothing but professional, yet her nerves sprang to the edge when she heard it. leaving a patient’s chart by the nurse’s station, she turned to meet his icy blue gaze. “ a word? ” he asked, as casual as you like. avalon nodded and followed him silently to his office. the automatic doors slid shut with a gentle hiss.

he turned to face her, expression unreadable. “ i just wanted to check in. ” she replayed the words in her head, remaining silent as she processed. “ avalon? ”

she moved her eyes over his face. looking for some hint of what he wanted, what he really meant. he stepped closer and tilted his head, a tinge of worry seeping onto his face. “ it’s been a while since we spoke, ” he said, reaching to brush her wrist with his fingertips. she jolted at the gentle touch, and he stilled, his eyes meeting hers.

“ we don’t need to talk. ”

avalon’s voice was stronger than she had expected it to be. ethan was taken by surprise at her words, raising an eyebrow. “ i’m sorry? ”

she shook her head, a solemn expression on her face. “ no, you’re not, ” she whispered, and straightened her shoulders, meeting his gaze straight on. “ we don’t need to talk outside of work. okay? we talk about patients, and treatment, and strategy. other than that… i have nothing else to say to you. ”

ethan’s blue eyes widened, his lips opening in a silent oh. he seemed frozen to the spot, unable to move or speak.

“ we - there is no we. ” avalon decided. “ we are colleages. we work together. we don’t see each other outside of it. we don’t… i deserve better, ” she said, defiantly. “ the way you have treated me… i don’t deserve it. ” to her own surprise, she didn’t feel like crying. no, she felt better and better as she went on, finally standing up for herself. “ and i get it, you have issues, you have baggage, well, newsflash. we all do. and i should have walked away, before now, i should have. but i didn’t. and i - i’m sorry, ethan. i’m sorry that you would rather be alone than be loved. than let yourself love. i’m not a freakin’ rehab clinic. it’s not my job to fix you. it’s my job to fix our patients. ” she paused a moment, gauging ethan’s reaction. just shock, it seemed.

she sighed, sad and deep, and slightly relieved. “ i can’t do this anymore. so you need to stop. you don’t get to decide that you want me one minute, and then don’t want me the next. if you can’t respect someone else, regardless of your own trust issues, you really shouldn’t be in a relationship. ” she swallowed, hard, and felt the tension in the room swell as she finished her monologue. she didn’t exactly regret it, but did she wish she had picked a better place? yeah, maybe. but it wasn’t like she had even planned on saying any of it. it was just all too much. the weeks of crying herself to sleep, of watching ethan ignore her. elijah’s words of encouragement had echoed deep in her heart and her mind. and avalon finally knew that she respected herself too much to stay as ethan ramsey’s emotional punching bag.

ethan finally nodded, slowly. “ i hear you. i understand. ” his voice is monotone, lacking any trace of emotion. nothing really new there. avalon regarded him with caution. “ i mean it, ” she said, slowly, emphasising the words. ethan broke his gaze away, looking toward his desk. he nodded stiffly, and stuck his hands in the pockets of his lab coat. avalon backed up until she heard the hiss of the door. with one foot in the hallway, ethan spoke again, softer, the slightest note of regret in it. “ you’re right, you know. you do deserve better. ”

when she looks back over her shoulder, he’s resting his hands on his desk. his head turned to the side, watching her leave. blue eyes warm, but wet. her throat tightened and for a moment, her resolve faltered. there was a moment of heartwrenching vulnerability, just about visible.

it was too late. avalon put her hand on the doorframe, leaning against it. “ you deserve better, too, ethan. ” ethan watched her walk away, each receding footstep another crack to his heart. he closed his eyes and tried to even out his breathing. it was over. he lost her.

she was gone.

and now that i’m sitting here thinking it through i’ve never been anywhere cold as you

[frunbuns]

As the World Falls Apart

Read on Ao3

Padmé watches Obi-Wan rock Leia around the ship, willing her to stop crying. He shushes and coos at her as he gently pats her back. Nothing seems to work. He’s been trying for the past hour or so. Leia has a strong pair of lungs and doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. Even as Obi-Wan practically begs her to stop crying. Nothing works. They’ve tried feeding her. They’ve tried changing. At this point she’s just crying for the sake of it. She’s sure of it.

Obi-Wan looks dead on his feet as he paces from one part of the cockpit to the other. His eyes are bloodshot, red and splotchy. Dark bags under his eyes. His clothes are scorched and burnt. Hair tousled. He’s limping slightly. She hasn’t said anything about it, but she assumes it’s from his fight with Grievous. He hasn’t smiled once since they got back from Mustafar - not even one of his fake ones he puts on sometimes. (Except when the twins were born, but even that smile, while fond and loving, had been filled with heartbreak.) In fact, he looks miserable right now. Like he’s on the verge of crying. He probably is, Padmé muses. Padmé kinda feels like crying too.

She had offered to take Leia off him, but he had refused. Told her to remain seated, a dozing baby Luke in her arms. It was typical of him, really. Obi-Wan had always been good at giving pieces of himself, even at the expense of himself. He had been like that as long as they’d been friends.

It’s strange. How it has merely been hours since the twins had been born. And now they were hurtling through hyperspace. Master Yoda had told them to go to Naboo with the twins and go into hiding. Obi-Wan would serve as protection and a teacher once Luke and Leia start showing force sensitive abilities. They’ll need to learn how to control it. Padmé is just grateful she’s not going to be alone, and she’s sure Obi-Wan feels the same. She is grateful for his company, no matter how miserable they both might be right now. At least it’s something.

She’s glad he snuck onboard the ship when she went to Mustafar. She’s not sure what would have happened if he hadn’t. She thought she could talk some sense into him. Obi-Wan had probably thought so too. Even after all he’d done she still loved him. She continued to love him, even if he broke her heart. Obi-Wan too.

Anakin had always said he and Obi-Wan were closer than most jedi. That they were like brothers. That Obi-Wan had been like a father to him. Looking at him now, there’s no doubt the love was mutual. And as a mother now, she feels like she gets him better than she ever has. All of Anakin’s stories about Obi-Wan. Their little misadventures.

They were like two halves of a whole, and Padmé can’t help but feel like Obi-Wan died with Anakin on Mustafar in some way. The Obi-Wan in front of her is almost like a shell of the man she knew.

She can’t imagine having to do what Obi-Wan did. It’s just not fair. But things are rarely fair. With the war rampaging the galaxy, sith lords at every corner. The galaxy has never been fair, but it could at least try for Obi-Wan’s sake. Padmé can’t imagine being only thirty-eight years old and knowing as much heartbreak as Obi-Wan does. She can’t help but admire his strength. That he’s still standing right now. Padmé honestly feels like she’s going to break any moment.

And if Leia doesn’t stop crying soon she might start crying too.

Leia’s screeching is ear-piercing. She’s red in the face from the sheer effort of it. Tiny fists balled into the fabric of Obi-Wan’s tunic, tears streaming down her small face. It’s a miracle she hasn’t worn herself out by now. Padmé sure would have.

God she hopes this isn’t going to be a regular thing. She’s not sure she can take it. And from the looks of things Obi-Wan doesn’t either. Taking care of twins is going to be enough work, but having to deal with twins and a screaming baby sounds damn near impossible. Even for two people.

R2 beeps in sympathy from where he’s piloting the ship.

Padmé closes her eyes, preparing for the impending headache she knows she’s gonna get soon. But then the screeching stops. It just stops. Padmé can’t believe her ears, but when she opens her eyes again Leia seems to have settled against Obi-Wan’s shoulder, eyes half lidded and body lax. Obi-Wan looks at her with bewilderment. As if he can’t believe it either.

A range of emotions crosses his features before he closes his eyes, in utter relief, and lets out a choked sound. Something like a sob. It’s an utterly pathetic and pitiful sound. Something that’s not very becoming of a Jedi master. But she finds that she agrees as she smiles at him. Wet and a little crooked, but relieved.

But that’s not the end of it. It’s like the floodgates have finally opened - that the dam has broken - because Obi-Wan chokes back another sob. And another. And another. And then there are tears running down his cheeks and disappearing into his beard. And he’s sniffling as he suppresses shudders in an attempt to not disturb the now calm baby.

“Obi-Wan?” she murmurs, just loud enough for him to hear her. “Why don’t you sit down. You must be exhausted.”

He nods. “Y-yes that— that— I’m so-sorry. I—” He gasps and hiccups as he stumbles over the words. It’s truly a pitiful sight.

She does her best to put on a warm and comforting smile. Even as her whole body aches, she stands up and walks over to him, careful not to jostle Luke too much. She’s never seen him like this before, and if her heart didn’t feel like it was already shattered into a million pieces it would break even more now. “It’s okay,” she tells him, putting a hand on his arm. His tattered sleeve full of burns and holes. “It’s okay.”

Gently, she guides him back to the pilot’s seat and he slumps down into it. His sobs subsiding into quiet sniffles and silent tears. Leia appears to have drifted off to sleep, thank the stars. Padmé isn’t sure she can handle much more at this point. She envies them. The twins. And their ability to just fall asleep as the world falls apart around them. They haven’t got a clue what’s happening around them. Everything is in shambles, and she’s grateful that they’re blissfully unaware of it all.

The ship rumbles beneath their feet. It’s a sturdy craft. Skillfully built and probably expensive, but awfully boringly decorated on the inside. It’s nothing like Padmé’s ships. But she supposes the jedi don’t really care for such.

“I’m sorry,” Obi-Wan croaks after a while. “I mean it.”

Padmé raises a brow at him. “Why?”

“I failed him. I failed Anakin,” he says, voice tight as he avoids her gaze. the light of the stars dancing across his features and glimmering in his glassy eyes. “I should have realised something was wrong. He was my padawan. I should have known.”

“Obi-Wan,” she murmurs. “Palpatine groomed and manipulated him for years. It’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could have done. We did our best.”

“I shouldn’t have let him see him. I always knew there was something about him.”

The corner of Padmé’s lips quirk upwards. “I never liked him either,” she says. To which Obi-Wan smiles at her, albeit faintly and ever so briefly. At least it’s something.

Leia continues to doze on Obi-Wan’s chest, ear pressed to his chest where his heart beats below his ribcage. She looks so small with his hand almost covering up her entire back. She just wishes anakin was here. So he could enjoy his children with her. Like he should. But she supposes Obi-Wan will have to do. As far as she’s concerned, he is the next best thing. He did raise Anakin, after all.

Padmé breaks the silence. “So what does this make you then?” she asks, humour in her voice. “Grandpa Obi-Wan?”

She hears the jedi snort. “Surely I’m too young for such a title.”

“Oh yeah, old man? Pretty sure I heard your joints pop when you sat down just now.”

“You’re going to regret saying those words in ten years time when you’re my age.”

Padmé smiles, a real, genuine smile, for what feels like the first time in forever. She even chuckles a little. A little quiet and awkward, but genuine. When she looks at Obi-Wan he is smiling so wide it reaches his eyes.

They’ll be exiting hyperspace soon, but right now they can rest. Just her, her children and Obi-Wan. Some ragtag team for a family, but she doesn't really mind the idea of it. There’s just something missing.

Obi-Wan strokes Leia’s back so gently it almost looks like he’s afraid to break her. He watches her with such softness and adoration it makes Padmé’s heart swell. He has only known them for a day and he already loves them. Anakin would be ecstatic.

“I just wish Anakin was here.”

Obi-wan stops stroking Leia’s back momentarily, fixing her with a gaze she can’t quite deschipher. “Me too,” he murmurs. “They’re wonderful, Padmé. He would have adored them.”

Padmé nods, a sad smile on her face. “He would have.” Her heart aches at the thought of it, but she appreciates the sentiment. “I’m glad you’re here though, Obi-Wan. It means a lot that I’m not alone.”

“I’m glad too, dear,” he tells her softly. “I’m not sure what I’d do if— I mean—” He swallows thickly. “—Almost everyone I knew is dead. Mace, Bant, Luminara, Quin… Ahsoka. Oh god, Ahsoka.”

Padmé can almost feel the grief in the air. She wonders if this is what it’s like to be a jedi. To have one of those bonds that Anakin had talked about.

“I’m sorry too,” she tells him. “About the jedi, and the clones… And Anakin. I know you loved him.”

Obi-Wan closes his eyes and nods solemnly. He doesn’t need to say anything. She understands. She reaches out and grabs his hand where it lies limply in his lap. It’s calloused and scarred, but warm and gentle. Obi-Wan’s hand is warm and firm in her hand. A little bigger than hers, a little rougher. The hand of a jedi. Of a long life lived. Of a friend. A mentor. Even a father. She can imagine him ruffling a young Anakin’s hair with. Righting Ahsoka’s grip on her lightsaber. Shaking her hand at events. She gives his hand a squeeze and hopes he gets it. He does. He squeezes her hand back. They sit like that for the rest of the journey.

They exit hyperspace, the ship jolting slightly from it. In the distance Padmé spots Naboo. As long as she had lived on Coruscant Naboo would always be her home. And now it would be Obi-Wan’s too, she supposes. She looks over at him and finds him with his eyes closed. As if he’s asleep. She smiles. She can wait to wake him until they’ve landed. He could use the rest. She could too, honestly.

She misses Anakin already. Not the man she saw on Mustafar, but the man she fell in love with. The father of her children. The man that loved, and was loved in return. Her Anakin. Obi-Wan’s Anakin. Ahsoka’s Anakin. A man that was flawed, but good. A man that was kind. Her husband. Ahsoka’s master. Obi-Wan’s padawan. God, she misses him. Just the thought of him makes her heart ache.

They’ll be okay, Padmé thinks. Not right now. Maybe not for a while. But one day. She’s sure of it. They’ve survived so far. They’ve got each other. They just need a moment of quiet. Just a little moment. They’ll be okay. Just not right now.

[comic-book-jawns]

Third Time’s The Charm

1) Inviting Jamie to sleep over had been questionable.

Not that it was the first time. Just the first time since she’d broken up with Eddie and run away for the summer — well, worked at a sleep-away camp. But she couldn’t deny that Eddie wasn’t the only person she’d been avoiding. Not that she’d cut off contact with Jamie completely. In fact, she’d used all of her weekly calls to talk to her best friend... and written her weekly letters, none of which she’d sent.

2) Breaking into her mother’s wine supply had been ill-advised.

Her mother, who she had yet to see. Not that she’d been expecting a red carpet reception when she’d arrived home earlier today. But maybe... a reception? It’s not like 8 on a Friday night was a unreasonable hour.

Really it had been for the best, though.

Dani no longer had to feel guilty for not speaking to Karen in over two months — since stopping for gas and using a payphone to let her mother know she was almost at camp (“He won’t wait for you, Danielle. And then you’ll be starting senior year without a boyfriend. Is that what you want?”) — and she had the house to herself.

She hadn’t even had to call Jamie to invite her over because Jamie, who’d known her for not even a year yet, had already been waiting on her doorstep when she’d pulled into the driveway. With a bouquet, no less. And that crooked smile that always made Dani’s heart melt. And a tan that Dani had... not anticipated. Which was comical, considering...

“Hydrangeas. Mrs. Harrison said I could have some, so.”

Jamie had spent her summer working around town as a landscaper. (“Glorified waterin’ can, more like.”) And over nine phone calls, it had become very clear that Jamie loved the work, even if she did have to deal with some sexist neighbors who refused to hire her for “a man’s job.”

“Jamie, they’re beautiful...”

3) Kissing Jamie had been where it all went wrong.

It wasn’t the flowers alone that sent her over the edge. Not even the wine, exactly, though it certainly hadn’t helped. A glass and a half in, and her head had felt fuzzy. “Mom would be so ashamed,” she’d thought to herself with a giggle. She’d giggled a lot, actually — which had been especially inappropriate since Jamie’s Blockbuster pick had been Friday The 13th. But Jamie hadn’t seemed to mind. Jamie had teased her with that cheeky little smirk that made Dani feel tingly. Jamie had looked at her more than the TV.

Jamie enjoyed her company for what it was. That’s the realization Dani had come to as the credits rolled, sitting on the couch with her arm around Jamie’s shoulders and Jamie’s head on her right one. So much for not being a lightweight, too... Then again, Jamie had been up since 5:30, and they hadn’t even started the movie until 10.

“Fuck. Sorry.”

Jamie had jerked her head up, looking so meek. Like she’d done something wrong. Like there was no way Dani could’ve liked it. And that’s what had finally broken Dani. That’s when she’d pulled Jamie closer, cupped Jamie’s cheek with her free hand before Jamie could turn away in shame and reassured her in the only way she could think of.

It had done the exact opposite.

Not only had Jamie not kissed her back. She’d yelped in surprise, and then gone speechless when Dani immediately pulled back — just stared at her, wide-eyed and rapidly losing color.

“Jamie...”

I don’t know what to say.

Before she could even apologize, Jamie had practically jumped off the couch, out of her arms, and run to the bathroom. Leaving Dani to slump back against the couch and add another tally to worst things I’ve ever done.

(“Danielle, I love you!”)

At least she wouldn’t have to see Eddie again until school started. The O’Mara’s always went on vacation to Lake Michigan at the end of the summer. The O’Mara’s and her, for a decade.

Not that she regretted her decision. It was the fact that she didn’t, actually, that made her feel guilty. Though she did miss him, of course. He was the closest thing she’d ever had to a brother, which felt kinda twisted to say after dating him for the past three years. But it was the truth. She’d felt more kissing Jamie just now than she’d ever felt kissing Eddie.

And wasn’t that just her luck.

Not that it was Jamie’s fault. If Jamie wasn’t interested, she wasn’t interested. God, Jamie could be straight for all she knew. When she’d asked if Jamie was seeing anyone last year — not in that way, just to get to know her new classmate, her new lockermate — Jamie had been cagey, so Dani hadn’t asked again, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.

What if Jamie didn’t even want to be her friend anymore? After all, Jamie had probably assumed she was straight.

Dani heard a click now and sat up, looking over the back of the couch. Jamie closed the bathroom door, and Dani sat back down sideways as Jamie walked back over. But Jamie’s eyes remained glued to the carpet; and when she sat down on the edge of the couch, wringing her hands in her lap, she was several inches farther away than she’d been.

“I’m so sorry, Jamie. It - it won’t happen again. I promise.”

She had to practically choke out the words, but she meant them.

“S’okay.”

Maybe she really had read this all wrong from the start. Mistaken Jamie’s selflessness for affection.

“No, it’s not. You’re - ”

“I’m fine!”

Dani couldn’t help flinching. She knew Jamie had a temper. Everyone at school did. But it had never been directed at her.

“Sorry.” She’d already forgiven her, but Jamie did look genuinely remorseful as she looked at her, finally. “Just, uh...” Jamie cleared her throat — as she often did, even over the phone. “Caught me off-guard, is all.”

Dani wasn’t sure what possessed her not to just leave it there. Or apologize again. But to smirk at Jamie.

“Or was I just bad?”

“No! I...” Jamie gulped, ducking her head. “I don’t think so.”

Dani snorted. Jamie was far sweeter than she cared to give herself credit for.

“Don’t think so?”

She expected Jamie to laugh, to relent, to resume the playful roasting Dani loved. But Jamie didn’t say anything as she looked away, quickly but not quickly enough for Dani to miss the added color blossoming on her cheeks or the way her lips quivered.

“Oh...” Dani couldn’t breathe. “My god. Oh my god!”

“I’m gonna go.”

Jamie’s voice was raspy, barely above a whisper, as she bolted off the couch, and Dani felt worse still.

“No! Wait, I - ” Jamie was running up the basement steps before Dani even got to her feet shakily. “I didn’t mean it like that!”

Only to immediately trip.

***

“Fuck!”

First, Jamie had lost her dignity. And now she’d lost her shoes. Or, rather, left them inside. Downstairs. Kicked them off so she could kick her socked feet up on the coffee table. She was trash, but she wasn’t a tool.

Well, that was her answer, wasn’t it? Anyone who might look at her funny on the walk home probably would’ve looked at her funny anyway. And she was already halfway across Dani’s lawn. Fuck shoes.

Except... they were one of her only pairs. And her favorite, tattered as they were. And... Dani liked them.

“Oh, thank god.”

It wasn’t fair, the way her heart still swooped at the sound of Dani’s voice. Breathless, at the moment. She slowly, and only partially reluctantly, turned around to find Dani stepping out onto her front porch, panting... and holding her Black Hi Top All-Stars. There was no point in leaving now, Jamie supposed, as she shoved her hands in her pockets — not until she got her shoes back.

“Thanks.”

She muttered it, not even looking Dani in the eye. But she still said it. She did not, however, reach for the shoes when Dani offered them, waiting for her to set them down on the lawn instead. Maybe Jamie had a shred of dignity left, after all. Or maybe it was just her good old self-preservation kicking in again — eleven months too late. Clearing her throat, she bent down and picked up her shoes. She could make it around the corner at least before putting them on.

“Jamie.”

She could hear it in her voice, but seeing the tears in Dani’s eyes — as she looked up, despite herself — well, it didn’t make it easier to blink back her own.

“S’all good.”

She nodded, trying for a smile. Probably not succeeding.

“I’m the one who should be ashamed.”

Wait, Dani had come all the way out here just to double down? Seriously?

“I - I never would’ve - ”

Jamie felt a sneer curling her lips.

“Kissed me if you’d known?”

“Of course not.”

Well, then.

“See ya at school.”

She didn’t look back as she continued across the lawn, but she couldn’t shut her ears off.

“Jamie?”

Nor could she stop herself from rolling her eyes at Dani’s confused tone. This was how it had been all along, though, wasn’t it? She’d been a good enough distraction from Eddie, but now she wasn’t a good enough experiment. Yet Dani wanted her to stick around anyway. And she was supposed to be grateful.

“Jamie!”

Jamie flung shoes down on the edge of the lawn and spun around as her eyes burned.

“Look, I’m sorry for not advertisin’ the fact that I’ve never snogged anyone! But you came onto me! And you regrettin’ it now is not my problem!”

It should’ve felt good. Would’ve felt good, probably, if not for her starting with her deepest insecurity, throwing a voice crack in the middle and ending in tears. But, all in all...

“I don’t.”

It was so quiet Jamie almost didn’t hear Dani over her own breakdown. But even through blurry eyes, there was no mistaking Dani approaching.

“I don’t regret it.” Jamie sniffled pathetically as Dani took her hands. “I’ve - I’ve wanted to do it... for a long time.”

Even as she felt her heart swoop again, Jamie couldn’t quiet the voice in the back of her head and chuckled harshly.

“And yet you’re ashamed.”

“Because I stole your first kiss!”

Tears were streaming down Dani’s face now. But Jamie, it was like the levy breaking. She’d always been a cryer, much to her chagrin. But not like this. Not when Louise had left. Not in the group homes. Not when she’d finally been shipped off to the States because the system didn’t know what else to do with her and an American businessman had promised to come back from his trip with a child for his lonely wife.

No, she hadn’t cried like this since Mikey had been taken from her.

“I’m sorry.” Dani was holding her. Jamie wasn’t even sure when it had happened. But Dani was stroking her hair, rubbing her back, as she bawled into her shoulder, arms crossed over her own chest, pinned against Dani’s. “I’m so sorry.”

Jamie whimpered but then cleared her throat hard.

“You didn’t.” It still came out garbled, and she coughed. “Didn’t... steal it.”

“Jay.”

(“Hey, Jay... Sorry, Jay-Jamie, are you, umm, doing anything this weekend?”)

“I... wan’ed it... to be you.”

She felt Dani loosen her grip and lifted her head up, sniffling, to find Dani looking at her in... in awe? Feeling heat rise to cheeks, she ducked her head, laughing awkwardly.

“Not that I was savin’ maself or anythin’.” She cleared her throat and rubbed her face, starting to get a hold of herself again. “Never made much of an effort, though. Not, uh... much of a people person, in case ya hadn’t noticed.”

Jamie smiled a little to herself as she heard Dani let out a watery chuckle and rubbed the back of her neck as Dani’s hands ghosted over her hips.

“And I knew bein’ gay n’ all. Wouldn’t have as many options. But I dunno. I just...” Jamie cleared her throat again, looking back up as she went to shove her hands in her pockets but felt Dani take them instead. “Assumed it would happen eventually, ya know?”

Dani nodded, and the gentle yet focused look on her face almost made Jamie burst into tears all over again.

“By the time, I moved here, though... But then I met you.” Dani smiled; and, Christ, even with tear-stained cheeks, she was radiant. “And I - honestly, I figured it was pointless to hope for.”

Jamie’s heart clenched as Dani’s face fell in an instant, and she squeezed Dani’s hands as she tried for a smile again. Felt it working this time.

“But it was hope.”

Slowly, Dani’s smile came back to life, even warmer. Or was it Dani’s cheeks that were getting warmer?

“Can I, umm, can I be your first second kiss... too?”

This was her moment. This was her chance. Why couldn’t she fuckin’ do it?

“Sorry, I - ” Dani’s blush was quite evident now. “Obviously, it’s fine if you don’t - ”

“No, I do!”

To her credit, Dani didn’t laugh at the outburst. She was clearly fighting a smile, though, and Jamie cleared her throat yet again.

“I just, uh... I don’t want to... disappoint ya.”

She couldn’t make it through it without looking down, though that didn’t help much considering Dani was holding her hands.

“Hey.” Dani squeezed them. “Look at me… Jay.”

Unfair pulling out what Jamie was sure would one day be her ‘teacher tone.’ But she chuckled as she complied and found Dani smiling softly.

“I’ve wanted this for a long time.”

“So really no pressure, then.”

Dani rolled her eyes, and Jamie’s heart tripped over itself, then pounded as Dani proceed to reach up and tuck a few of her curls behind her ear.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Jamie. The only thing that matters to me... is that it’s you. And that you feel com- ”

Fuck, what was she doing?

“Sorry! I’m sorry.”

Jamie pulled her hands off Dani’s cheeks and ran them through her own hair as she folded in on herself. She didn’t know much. But she was fairly certain kissing Dani was not supposed to involve breaking her nose. There wasn’t any blood on Dani’s face, though. In fact, Dani was... grinning. Beaming, even. And Jamie couldn’t help returning it a little, even as her face burned.

“Told ya I would screw it up.”

Dani raised an eyebrow.

“Do I look disappointed?”

Jamie gulped, blushing even harder. Since when she had become such a simp?

Well, no. That was the thing. She never had been, had she? Because Dani had never once treated her as lesser than. Dani had gone out of her way, in fact, to try and prove to her that she wasn’t — whether it was slipping notes into her locker before an exam or sitting with her in the cafeteria when no one else would, including Eddie, or introducing herself on that very first day, only to get a grunt in reply.

“Ya know what they say, though…” Jamie snapped out of it just in time to watch Dani’s confidence falter. “Third, umm, third time’s - ”

Jamie bobbed her head embarrassingly quickly, embarrassingly hard. And yet she couldn’t bring herself to feel even an ounce of mortification. Only excitement. Well, okay, maybe a little nerves too. Especially as Dani, beaming once more, gripped her wrists and guided hands back to her face.

“Okay, umm, you tend to tilt your head to the left, so...”

She did? How would Dani even know that?

Dani erupted into giggles, and Jamie flushed as she realized she was literally titling her head to the left in contemplation.

“Why do you think I sat on the left side of the couch?”

What?

Dani flushed now as her smile turned sheepish, and Jamie felt the corner of her mouth curve up as her heart fluttered. Dani really had wanted it. All of it.

“Anyway.” Dani swallowed. “Since yours tilts to the left, tilt my head to the left too... Sorry, my left. Your right.”

Fuckin’ hell. Dani wasn’t snickering, though, as she let go of her wrists. She was actually looking at her quite intently, a little south of her eyeline. Jamie felt her mouth go dry.

“And then…”

“Yeah.” Dani swallowed again, as her eyes flicked back up, then smiled ruefully. “Sorry, I - I’ve never really tried to teach this before.”

Before Jamie could make a flirty quip, Dani blanched.

“Oh, god. That sounded really patronizing. I didn’t...”

Jamie leaned in, closing her eyes.

“Can I kiss ya, Dani?”

She couldn’t feel Dani’s nose at all, which she figured was a good sign — though, admittedly, she did feel rather foolish and uncomfortable titling her head almost sideways. Particularly without an answer. But then she felt a hand on her chin, another on the top of her head, tilting her closer to center. Close enough to feel the side of Dani’s nose nuzzle against her own as Dani wrapped her arms around her neck and exhaled.

“Please do.”

And Jamie did.