#Funniest thing I've read all day

[imminent-danger-came]

Unhinged Anon back again, and YES!!! GIVE ME THE SANDY-MK TRAINING ARC! He’s already taken to collecting mentors/parental figures like Pokémon, why not add Sandy into the mix? Especially if that OG Sandy theory is real because like… MK is due for the mother of all identity crises next season. We all know it. The writing’s been on the wall for over a season now, in glowing gold letters that keep spelling out ‘pain’. 

And you know who’d be a great candidate to help him work through that? SOMEONE WHO’S ALREADY HAD TO COME TO TERMS WITH THEIR OWN TERRIFYING POTENTIAL TO CAUSE HARM. SOMEONE WHO LIVED THROUGH THE ‘I’M A MONSTER WHO CAN DO NOTHING BUT HURT OTHERS’ PHASE, BUT MADE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE AND FOUND SOME SEMBLANCE OF PEACE WITH HIMSELF! LET THESE TWO INTERACT MORE, PLEASE!

*ahem* Anyways, good points made by you, and a very interesting theory that I can’t imagine being wrong now that you’ve pointed out that Zhu Bajie was in Sandy’s PTSD flashbacks. 

But circling back to MK’s incoming identity crisis and that murderer adjacent thing from a few asks ago because I had a Horrible thought: Remember how Macaque started calling MK ‘Misery Kid’ during S4E9&10? What if someone, almost certainly an enemy trying to mess with his head, decided to do that too. Only they call him ‘Murder Kid’ instead, and it sends him spiraling hard. 

Or, even worse thought: What if MK gives himself that label. Bonus points if he calls himself this in front of Wukong, because he was the only other person who was there for Azure’s final moments and really saw everything that led up to them, which in MK’s mind means he must agree that MK deserves that label, at least to some degree.  

…Anyways, I’m gonna just cry on the brink of madness here (like always). Hope you’re having a wonderful day!

I barely have legible thoughts for this ask, I read "Murder Kid" and then I just started uncontrollably sobbing. Yanked to the precipice of madness by Unhinged Anon.

BUT ANYWAYS THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

SANDY'S PAST ARC AND MK'S CURRENT ONE ARE COLLIDING AT FULL SPEED, AND I NEED ME SOME PAYOFF. This line from Show Me the Monster lives in my head rent free everyday:

Sandy: “But you were too WEAK to be who you truly are! I am a monster! That’s what the world wants me to be, so that’s what I’m gonna give ‘em!”

(Bonus parallels post from April)

Who you truly are? Being a monster? What the world expects from you vs what you expect from yourself? IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER BABY.

And. Ougghghgh. Murder Kid. MK giving himself that label would be delightfully terrible. I imagine it could EASILY be someone else calling him that, and then MK having a breakdown about it later in front of Wukong and the gang, a la 4x08.

[therulerofallpotatos]

The problem with working in a morgue, funeral home etc is that if you die you still have to go to work

this shouldn't be as funny as it is but something about the combination of dad jokes and morbid humor hit me like a ton of bricks

[caskofamontirado]

I read everything you post in the same voice I read everything montresor says in

I'll take that as a compliment

[jorgecrespo]

YOUR TAGS!!!! no because SAME i’ve literally been in the gc letting it all out so i don’t do anything drastic here but godddddd has it been fucking HARD

SHE MADE AN ALBUM ABOUT A RACIST SHE DATED CAN ANYONE HEAR ME I FEEL LITERALLY INSANE I'M GOING CRAZY PUT ME IN THE ASYLUM HELLO HELLO HELLLLOOOOOO????????????

[the-tenth-arcanum]

I was out on a walk earlier and I randomly thought of this and it made me laugh

stumbled on a reddit comment thread where two gym bros were exchanging tips on what to eat while on a cut and in response to a burrito recipe one of them wrote "nice. you must be massive."

[aziraphalesbookkeeper]

90% of your fics have a scene with the same vibe as that one Miraculous scene where Adrien is playing basketball with the little blonde one and they abruptly pause to go "I'm really sorry I didn't come to your dad's funeral" and that thought invades my brain every waking hour of the day. Thanks

finally someone with good taste

[slagclaren]

*banging pots and pans* ROLEX 24 JENSON!!!!!!! CAN I HEAR A HELL YEAH FOR ROLEX 24 JENSON

NO WAYYYYY!!!! ON JENSON DOCU DAY?!!! HEEEEEEEELLLLL YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH

[gollancz]

Guys. Christmas is coming. Consumerism is in the driver's seat and GAWD don't I know about the existential ennui of all these faceless corporations trying to schill you their wares. It's cold. Impersonal. Bleak.

So I, a fellow tumblr user, will instead try to schill you MY wares, so that when you purchase these items you can say "Hey, that person from tumblr worked on this", and feel the warmth of HUMAN CONNECTION in a way that is completely normal and not parasocial at all. We really are friends. I promise. Yes, you. Love you, bestie. Remember the boop war? Good times. Fond memories.

THIRTEEN STOREYS and FAMILY BUSINESS by Jonathan Sims

Tumblr's favourite Nightmare Factory @jonnywaistcoat has two novels out and they're phenomenal horror that also punch you in the throat with SOCIAL COMMENTARY and FEELINGS. He's so adept at tapping into the specific part of my brain that feels fear like a small child - not the adult creepy scared that I normally get around horror, but specifically the kind of fear that almost freezes your limbs and vocal chords with a terror you don't quite understand because there is so much in the world that you don't know, but you know that somehow this thing might be quick enough or smart enough or sneaky enough to get you before you can get to the safety of your parents sort of fear.

THIRTEEN STOREYS is a haunted house novel, but set in a refurbished block of flats. Each chapter follows a different resident being haunted in a different way, with a style to match the flavour of ghost. It's all tied together phenomenally and brutally.

FAMILY BUSINESS is a story about ghosts in a different way, following a woman who joins a post-mortem house cleaning service while grieving the death of her best friend. But as she removes the stains from the houses of the dead, she begins to suspect something else is removing even more.

Both of these titles are available from Gollancz worldwide!

THE LAST UNICORN, THE WAY HOME, THE INNKEEPER'S SONG and A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE by Peter S. Beagle

Obviously Peter's work needs no introduction, and our editions aren't available in the US and Canada, but I've had a wonderful time working with Peter and his team to bring these beautiful books back to the UK. Meeting him at Worldcon this year was such a magical moment, and he was jet-lagged and I had gone through sleep deprived into hyper and was bringing an Extremely Weird Energy to every interaction I had that day, resulting in this photo:

THE LAST UNICORN and THE WAY HOME are a matched pair of wonderful fairy stories. THE WAY HOME has two novellettes in it, and the first - 'Two Hearts' - won the Hugo award. It will also destroy you.

A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE was Peter's first ever novel, and it's wistful and romantic and so beautiful.

THE INNKEEPER'S SONG is his epic fantasy quest, it's an adventure story that reads almost lyrically. Also there's an orgy in the middle which caught me by surprise when I was reading it for the first time on the train into work.

HIGH VAULTAGE by Chris and Jen Sugden

It's possible that someone on this website doesn't know I was involved with this book but don't worry, I will HUNT THEM DOWN AND TELL THEM. This is the first book I took all the way through the editorial process from end to end and I am SO PROUD of it and Chris and Jen and their wonderful world of @victoriocity. Officially one of the seven funniest books published in the UK this year, shortlisted for the Wodehouse Prize for Comic Fiction. It's a chaotic, bonkers murder mystery set in an alternate Victorian London which is the most gleeful dystopia I have ever encountered.

Featuring:

Grumpy Sunshine besties

The Victorian Equivalent of the Chuck Norris Meme

A robot who undertook a course in People Management

An indefatigable beagle

This is another book that you can get from Gollancz all over the world, and you SHOULD because it's amazing. Go into your local bookshop and ask them to order it into stock. It's a great Christmas present. It's my firstborn book baby (like that's a completely normal thing to say when I didn't even write it). Also if you're a fan of the podcast, why not tell the Guardian how great it is, and make a nuisance of yourself until they review. (I would, but the form asks for your name and then they'd know I didn't suddenly discover Victoriocity this year. Either that or think I was a very careless editor.) If you've not listened to the podcast yet, you absolutely should. It pings all my Douglas Adams receptors in the best way. If you like HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE, if you like CABIN PRESSURE, VICTORIOCITY is the perfect addition.

HAMMAJANG LUCK by Makana Yamamoto

SLIGHTLY cheating because HAMMAJANG LUCK isn't out in North America until January (pre-orders make great Christmas presents guys), but it IS out in the UK and the rest of the world next week! This is my second big editorial project and it's a Big Gay Space Heist ft. disaster lesbians, trans characters, and a tech billionaire getting put in his place. It's joyous and energetic and crammed full of Hawaiian pidgin as a love letter to the diaspora. @makana-yama is a phenomenal writer and this is their love letter to their communities, families both born and found, while also a statement on the victims of gentrification (and how those are disproportionally BIPOC communities). PLUS:

friends to enemies to cautious allies to lovers

trans cyborgs

Suck It Space Elon

You know that One Scene in Charlie's Angels where Cameron Diaz is in the white body suit and breaking into the safe and has to stretch out to hit two buttons at once? Yeah. That's the vibe.

Being able to work with Makana is a delight, and HAMMAJANG tapped into all the feelings I got watching LEVERAGE for the first time, so I went to watch it again while I was editing. Also OCEAN'S 8.

DEEP BLACK by Miles Cameron

So, barring Branderson, Miles Cameron may be one of our most prolific authors. He writes a minimum two books a year, one SFF and one historical fiction (as Christian Cameron) and he is... An absolute phenomenon. He IS the Chuck Norris meme. I'm obsessed with him. He's former US military intelligence turned naturalised Canadian Hippy, has written over fifty novels, can turn his hand to any genre and write it fantastically, is a practical archaeologist - running large scale re-enactments from a variety of periods ranging from Bronze Age right the way up to the Victorian era, using traditional techniques to allow academics to study how the practicalities of weapons, clothes, food etc. would have worked in practice. Two years ago he won a medieval combat tournament in Verona, a clear ten years older at least than the next oldest competitor, he teaches Historical European Martial Arts, but ties it into the history of martial arts globally. He can make his own clothes, ink, leatherwork. He's a ballet dancer. I once took him for a day out and he ended it in a different shirt and shoes from the ones he'd started in. I asked him for an author photo and he sent me this:

DEEP BLACK is the sequel to his critically acclaimed SF debut ARTIFACT SPACE, where he has taken his research and experience of global historical cultures and extrapolated to create an interplanetary future where the best of all are celebrated. And then Aliens Happen. And then, in reaction, Capitalism Happens (which is covered in the short story collection BEYOND THE FRINGE).

He's such a thoughtful and erudite speaker, if you're curious about his work, I'd recommend listening to his episodes on the Friends Talking Fantasy podcast, and also his appearance on The Publishing Rodeo.

If SF isn't your bag, he's also got:

Arthurian fantasy

Bronze Age fantasy

Medieval Mages fantasy

A CURSE OF CROWS - Lauren Dedroog

I actually inherited Lauren when a colleague of mine departed for fresh pastures, which gave me the great opportunity to work on this series which is so vastly different from my usual fare. It's epic, sweeping, romantic and lush, with such detailed description and complex political machinations, while also being brutal, dark and heavy (tw: for sexual assault, torture etc, etc.). If you like Sarah J Maas and Cassandra Clare, this should hit the sweet spot. Lauren is an ICU nurse when not writing, and this was somehow created when she was putting in a million hours in hospitals during COVID. The feat boggles my mind.

A CURSE OF CROWS is out now in the UK, Australia and Europe, and it won the People's Choice for Standaard Boek's Book of the Year award in 2023, in her home country of Belgium. It will be hitting shelves in North America next September! A DANCE OF SERPENTS is where I get to pick up the editorial mantle, and that has just landed in my inbox this week so I am excited to dig in.

Featuring:

Harold, they're lesbians

Murder baby is actually a cinnamon roll

Sensitive wings are sexy

For serious, though, I'm lucky enough to work with a lot of authors I'm genuinely obsessed and astounded by. And yes, I do get to work on Joe Abercrombie, Brandon Sanderson and Andrzej Sapkowski, but they're not MY authors - they're led by the incredible Gillian and Marcus who I'm not 100% certain sleep. There are so many people on the Gollancz list who I could recommend for DAYS (and will, if you so request), but this is my stable of superstars.

[helpmulti-fandom]

I love the TBTF Fandom 🥰

babs is explaining why i shouldnt wanna smash the disciples

@medics-secret-shipfic-folder

[gffa]

DAMIAN (THOUGH, IT'D BE JUST AS FUNNY IF SHE WERE REFERRING TO TIM) CALLING KORY UP JUST TO SPECIFICALLY TELL HER THAT DICK IS DATING SOMEONE ELSE AND TO REMIND HER "SHE'S NOT SPECIAL" WHILE KORY JUST LAUGHS ABOUT IT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE READ ALL DAY

[the-music-maniac]

Not that I read mpreg all that often (not really my thing generally speaking) but I came across some "Sanji is pregnant" fics in the sanzo/zosan tag, and not nearly the same amount for Zoro. It got me thinking about the trope. I think the lack of Zoro fics here is a tragic oversight. I think we as a fandom are absolutely and tragically ignoring the potential comedy gold of Zoro being the one to be pregnant instead.

Because when people write Sanji, the general trend I'm seeing (upon scanning through some of the fics quickly) is that he's cautious about it. Conscientious, careful to make sure things are okay. Which - arguably I could see, Sanji is probably the more practical of the two (not by a whole lot but still)and he didn't have a good childhood. Sanji being pregnant is usually a fic about his heaps of parental issues, childhood trauma and angst - which is fun to read. It's good. It's amazing, even.

Zoro being pregnant is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT gonna be a COMEDY. We're talking about a man who once tried to fight Kuina holding like 20 bokkens. We're talking about a man who got stuck in wax and thought the reasonable solution was to cut off his legs.

The entire crew spends the next 9 months tearing their hair out, preventing Zoro from doing stupid shit (exhibit A: cutting off his own limbs). They spend the same amount of time trying to stop Luffy from gum-gum-grabbing Zoro and yeeting him anytime he needs to get them out of a sticky situation.

The crew (mostly Sanji) is on 24/7 prevent-zoro-from-drinking-alcohol duty (impossible). Chopper is constantly stressed in the later months cause no one puts it past Zoro to get lost somewhere, give birth out in the woods and come strolling back with a baby tucked under his arm. They have to start hiding Zoro's dumbbells.

Franky and Usopp design and build a nursery and spends the entire time suspiciously teary eyed. Sanji tries to pretend he's unaffected but spends an entire night creating a 9 month meal plan of all the nutrients Zoro and the baby are gonna need. Not even a day later, one of the crew finds him up at 2 am making a mountain of food because Zoro made the mistake of offhandedly mentioning he had particular pregnancy craving within earshot of Sanji. In the end Zoro has to sit on him to stop Sanji from running himself ragged.

Robin keeps spouting morbid childbirth facts and quotes from parental advice books in equal measure. Nami keeps going on shopping sprees for cute baby clothes and adding the cost of them to Zoro's debt. Brook keeps writing lullabies and trying to sing them to Zoro's stomach. Zoro 100% uses his pregnancy belly as an excuse to walk around without a shirt 24/7 without getting nagged.

Somehow word gets out that the famous pirate hunter Zoro is pregnant, and at the next big fight with the Marines, half the soldiers refuse to fight him and instead start telling him to sit down, take it easy, shouting advice at him etc. Etc. Zoro loses his shit a little bit and cuts their boat in half.

Mihawk, upon finding out, tells Zoro in no uncertain terms that that is his grandchild and he's expecting them to visit so he can meet the baby when they're born. Zoro vehemently denies that Mihawk is his father (he is). Zeff upon finding out, is almost as bad as Sanji when it comes to being a mother hen. Perona buys even more baby clothes for the baby. She buys one singular shirt for Zoro as a joke, and it coincidentally happens to be the exact same brand of "mama" crop top he was forced to wear in that one filler episode. Zoro tries to chuck it into the ocean (he fails).

I'm essentially saying it would be absolute chaos, and it would be the funniest thing I've ever read. 9 months of Marimo wrangling. Can you imagine the look on Zoro's face if one of the opponents he was fighting were to tell him that he's "glowing"?

PLEASE, I would actually wheeze myself to death. The best part is you can still have plenty of Sanji angst. He still has parental issues except now they're flavoured with "I'm not ready to be a father" and "I'm terrified I'm gonna become my biological sperm donor" and "please don't die because of childbirth complications, that happened to my mother(sort of, I know she died after but it kinda counts), and I can't handle that happening again to you". Lots of cute/tender moments of Zoro comforting and reassuring Sanji. We can even have Zoro angst. He probably views protecting his crew as the one and only job he's good for (not true but that's probably what he thinks). Not being able to fulfill that is probably not helping his self esteem, and that sense of uselessness warring with his need to protect the baby - but the contradictory thing here is that to protect the baby he HAS to sit back and let other people do that FOR him. That plus all the other restrictions, people treating him differently, but him at the same time refusing to view his own child as a weakness. Imagine the havoc that would wreak. Oh my god.

Y'all don't understand, I don't even read mpreg that often and yet this is literally my ideal fic HAHAAAAA

[swanimagines]

Hello! So I've been reading a lot of your works *cough* mainly Kaz and Pin *cough* and I was wondering if I could request one? If so, A6 from your dialogue prompt list with Kaz Brekker. Have a great day <3

Prompt: A6. “Ugh, people are so weird.”

A/N: I still can't look at him without remembering I actually have HUGGED that man and I get to do it once more in two months I-

RUMOUR TOLD ME

Ketterdam, in its darkness and grimness, was the last place Kaz would expect to find someone like you. You, a cheery, warm person who believed all people were good unless proven otherwise. And even working with the Dregs hadn’t wiped that attitude off you, which had always puzzled Kaz. And maybe it was the way you always saw the good in everyone was what made him develop feelings for you. Or rather, as he convinced himself, he was maybe slightly interested, but not necessarily romantically.

Either way, he treated you like he had always treated you, as another Crow, and he thought everyone else thought so too. And maybe that’s why it was so shocking when you came to the Slat one day, laughing as you slid to sit at the bar counter, one stool away from Kaz.

He stared at you for a moment, and you locked eyes with him. “I just heard the funniest thing.”

“Can’t wait to hear it,” Kaz mumbled, glancing at the barkeeper who immediately started preparing a drink for him.

“There’s a rumour circling around that Kaz Brekker has a crush,” you snickered, and Kaz immediately froze. “And the crush being me. Ugh, people are so weird.”

A short silence descended upon you, and your giggling echoed in Kaz’s mind.

He closed his eyes for a moment. Get it together, Brekker.

“And you find it funny?” Kaz grumbled, which earned a frown from you.

“Well, we are complete opposites. I mean, I guess people who sent this rumour going are probably avid romance novel readers whose favourite trope is ‘opposites attract’ but I have no idea what kind of drink they took to get themselves so drunk that they spun out this kind of theory.” You shrugged, gesturing to the barkeeper to prepare a drink for you too.

Kaz scowled. “Those kinds of rumours should be cut off before they have a chance to fly.”

You laughed. “Oh come on Kaz, it’s just some children spinning stories for their entertainment, it won’t hurt anyone.”

Kaz almost barked at you, telling you that children of Ketterdam should know better than joke with things like that before someone teaches them what it’s like to lose the fun in their life forever, but he held himself back. His mind momentarily filled with pictures of what could happen if the wrong kind of people found out about that rumour and believed it. You’d disappear and eventually come back to the Slat, carried by Matthias, with a knife in your heart, your body already cold, eyes open, beginning to rotten, your mouth opened in an eternal scream–

Kaz shook his head, forcing himself to stop thinking about that scenario. 

“Rumours are dangerous,” he said, leaning towards you slightly. “Even ridiculous ones.”

You scoffed, waving your hand. “I know, but no one is going to believe something like that.”

Kaz withdrew, taking his cane and gripping the silver crow head. He wanted to tell you you’re off duty for a while. He wanted to claim he needed help in office work, which would bind you into Slat for a few weeks. He wanted to find whoever is spreading this rumour and warn them off, threaten them. Maybe even break their legs to ensure they won’t sing about it.

But even if that would work, and Kaz knew it would, it could be a sign that the rumour actually had truth to it. It would make him look weak, even if that person would never tell about his visit.

You got the drink and downed it, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand, before you looked at Kaz again. “Do you have any tasks for me? If not, Inej said she’d like to have company when she goes to run an errand but if you have something more important to do, I’ll pass on that.”

Kaz clenched his jaw, staring at his still full glass of kvas. “No.” Be careful.

You nodded and disappeared to the crowd, and Kaz told himself to not look at you walking away. And as soon as your steps faded, he downed the drink and stood up, making his way to the attic. He needed to take his mind off of… this, whatever it was.

But of course, on his way, he came across Jesper waiting by Wylan’s door, spinning his other revolver. Kaz already saw from Jesper’s grin what he was going to say, that he had also heard the rumours. “Hey, Boss. Word is you’ve got a crush on our Sunshine the Second.”

Kaz cocked an eyebrow at him. “What makes you think that?”

Jesper stopped spinning his revolver and shrugged. “Well. It’s been obvious for all of us for a while. I suspected it, so I told Nina, and she listened to your heartbeat while our star Sunshine was around, and–”

“And nothing,” Kaz barked. “Whatever you have heard or understood, is not true.”

Jesper cackled, and Kaz wanted nothing more than to stuff the handle of Jesper’s beloved revolver into his throat at that moment. But it was more because he realised everyone knew. His Crows, at least, knew.

When Jesper stopped cackling, his tone was more serious. “But hey, I understand that this… thing isn’t a good thing to be circling around. If you want some of us to go uh, find out who put the rumour to circle in the first place, just tell us.” He winked. “And of course, no telling your beloved.”

Kaz thought, staring at Jesper. He wanted to keep denying it, tell Jesper everyone are idiots, doubt Nina’s skills as a heartrender. But he knew that nothing would work anymore, everything would just confirm their every suspicion, those that were true and those that were not true.

So he nodded. “Deal with it. Quietly.”

Jesper nodded in return. “Always, boss.”

And when Kaz continued ascending the steps, he could almost hear Jesper’s grin. If there had been some doubt in Jesper’s mind, now there most definitely wasn’t.

Kaz knew that his Crows knowing except for you was miles better than the whole Ketterdam knowing. If everyone knew, or if such suspicions would rise to any extent, they would inevitably eventually go straight to rivaling gangs. And at that point, depending on how stupid they were, they could follow the rumour just in case and ambush you.

They would be stupid because if you were killed by a gang, Kaz wouldn’t rest before each one’s guts had painted every wall of their past territory, but they would also be smart because they’d take away the one thing Kaz truly cared about in this world, and it would be the second time around. Kaz wasn’t sure if he would ever recover, which would potentially make him weak in a way, maybe even suicidal with his hunger for bloodshed. He could be the most feared person in all of Kerch for a few weeks, but constantly throwing himself in situations he could get killed would eventually kill him. It could even be his goal, to die fighting and take as many of his enemies with him before that.

But after those little gossipers would be getting caught and warned off, things would maybe become better, and Kaz would be able to forget about this whole mess.

---

Requests are open! FANDOM LIST | PROMPT LIST(S) | RULES (READ!!!)

[gaming-pup]

(this isn't sarcastic btw you were using xray correctly 💯)

Throwback to my first time cheating at multiplayer minecraft. Put your torches down, let me explain. And no, I haven’t done it since.

I don’t remember what version it was, only that it was a very long time ago. Food healed hearts directly, and- this is the important part- mossy cobblestone could not be crafted or mined anywhere in the overworld save the floors of dungeons.

It also was a brilliant, vibrant green, so much more aggressive than its current gentle texture, but that’s neither here nor there.

I was playing on a survival server I’ve long since forgotten the name of, and I was putting the finishing touches on my lovely brick house. But the floor, no no. I was a picky child; only the finest of flooring would do.

I wanted mossy cobblestone.

Immediately I was at an impasse. I could strip mine and explore caves in the hope of finding one dungeon; but I needed two whole stacks of it for my floor. There was no /locate command at the time, and I knew nobody else well enough to ask for it. And at the time, chunkbase and other seed scanning tools didn’t exist; not that it would have helped, since I didn’t have the world seed.

Perplexed, I logged off and consulted with friends at school the next day.

There, I was advised to try an x-ray texture pack.

So I did.

And it worked a treat! The dungeons were rendered perfectly visible to me, and I easily dug straight down (smart and subtle!) and raked in the precious mossy cobblestone I needed.

At one point, one of the mods asked me in chat if I was x-raying. Having just turned off the pack minutes before the message came through, I cheerfully said no and skipped off to finish my floor.

At no point during this entire exercise did it occur to child me to use the x-ray pack to mine for the diamonds I could clearly see.

[strawhattery]

happy holidays! as my own little nod to the twelve days of christmas, i've made a list of twelve zosan fanfiction recommendations! i hope you enjoy them as much as i do!

this list was originally posted to my bluesky—complete with screenshots of the AO3 listings, which i didn't include here because the post was already really long. there's no particular order to the lists other than what was on my mind each day i posted over there!

the joy of cocking by unity1814

why i recommend it: this is a story about sanji's sexual awakening, and it's brimming with charm, silliness, and heart. the really love how this author portrays the way sanji understands the world & himself through cooking.

under these unpromising auspices by mithrilwren

why i recommend it: a delightful subversion of the "only one bed" trope, the intimacy captured in this pre-relationship fic is so special, and the author's razor-sharp characterizations really shine.

where the real road lies by theroyalsavage

why i recommend it: everything about this hades au is perfect. this author's writing style is stunning and immersive, and the zosan dynamic here is that fun, engaging blend of combative and devoted that i LOVE.

informal swordfighting, and the sorts by naturecalls111

why i recommend it: this story is bursting with wit and irreverent charm, and the zosan dynamic here is probably the funniest i've ever read. a must read for fans of romantic comedies and modern AUs!

icarus, down and out by trixree

why i recommend it: this au PERFECTLY translates the straw hats from canon into a modern world, and the way this author writes sanji learning about & falling for zoro is so good that /i/ felt half in love with him by the end!

swordbearer by glassedplanets

why i recommend it: a masterclass in outsider pov, this author perfectly captures several dynamics of zosan's relationship (and the whole straw hat crew!) and delivers it through a deeply sympathetic—and stunning—portrayal of hiyori.

in the cracks of light (i dreamed of you) by abandonedstrawberry

why i recommend it: this was the first zosan fic i ever bookmarked (and i FREQUENTLY reread it!) 🥹 i adore the zoro perspective in this as well as the perfect blend of zosan's bickering with their more vulnerable moments.

strip by aishahiwatari

why i recommend it: this is the definitive OPLA!zosan fic for me. this author captures sanji through zoro's eyes in the most arresting way, with immersive, lush descriptions of him in all his infuriating attractiveness.

the things you don't see by fruityumbrella

why i recommend it: this author has a gift for writing relationships that feel real & lived in. the conflict & resolution in this story are believable & handled SO WELL. plus: a world-class zoro and nami scene!

search and rescue by megatonnetalon

why i recommend it: i can't recommend this series highly enough. it's a modern au bursting with SO MANY charming, genius details & it had my cheeks hurting from smiling by the end. i could NOT put it down once i started.

hold me down by mellish

why i recommend it: a canonverse story with a fun & inventive plot device that does a great job of using sanji's WCI backstory to craft a compelling post-enies lobby sanji POV. if you love zoro taking care of sanji, this is for you!

pied de biche by batman

why i recommend it: i've shared a few fics so far of zoro taking care of sanji, but in this post-enies lobby story, sanji takes care of zoro. and then some. the prose here is so lush and painterly, it's GORGEOUS.

[tan1shere]

Slumber Party

Ellie williams x fem reader!

A/n: Hello my lovelies, first post on here (more active on wattpad) but thought I'd occasionally post here when I'm bored. If you have any requests at all they're definitely open! Also this is kinda short but I don't plan on making the next part as short. Enjoyyyy ☆°•

My masterlist

Summary: like the song slumber party. Ellie thinks she can treat you better then your shitty girlfriend

Warnings: smut, (not in this chapter) read at your own risk (mdni) Dom but soft, protective, ellie! Reader is quite innocent, is very soft also. Cunnilingus (duh- also not in this chapter) your girlfriend in this is an asshole. Abuse, somewhat angst, crying. Lmk if there was anything else!

Pt 2 here! ~ pt 3 here!

Ellie hated Isabel, your girlfriend. She treated you horribly, and Ellie really hated when you'd bawl your eyes out over the phone to her whenever Isabel would storm out of your shared apartment. She hated the fact anyone would make you cry. She never liked seeing you unhappy. Isabel shared this hatred. She never liked you hanging around Ellie, even if you have known Ellie almost all your life. She would scold you after everytime you and her would hang out. You'd come back to the apartment smiling. "What're you smiling about?" You just smile more happy to tell. "Ellie she makes the funniest jo-" "I don't like you being round her Y/n." You would always stare blankly at her, struggling to find the words, leaving your mouth open while you ponder.

Today was not off to a great start. Ellie had just been over, you two were having such a great time. "I should probably get going squirt." She would flash her smile at you, ruffling your hair slightly, as she stood to go to the door. Ellie was a bit older then you, and come to think of it so was Isabel. Let's just say you had a thing for older ladies. (Only by like 6 years) You also stand up, seeing her out and saying goodbye. But as you open the door you're met woth those dark brown eyes. Isabel had just arrived back from work. She glares at the auburn haired girl, making her way inside. "Well hi to you too." Ellie scoffs then looks at you. "Text you when im home." You give her a small nod and a smile before she leaves to her car. You turn around to be faced with a stern Isabel. "You know how I feel about her being in our home. Especially when I'm not here." You never really talk back to Isabel you always apologize and go into the kitchen to make food. She was truly a bitch and she started showing her true colors the moment you two moved in together. You never understood what you would do so wrong. You made every dinner. Every lil food she'd want. The laundry. Just to please her. And although it'd work, it'd never last. "I'm sorry Iz.. She just really wanted to show me this art she was working on and in person. Nothing more I swear." She let's out a scoff. "Why should I believe you it's almost every day you spend with her. It's sickening and pathetic." You stare at her as she says that. She would always make you feel stupid. When in fact you were quite smart you knew what most things meant. Maybe not so much bedroom stuff. But you were book smart nonetheless. Speaking of bedroom. You were basically a virgin. You've kissed Isabel many times done a lil something here and there but it was definitely not much. So you were certainly not confident on that subject. Although Ellie would tell you all sorts of stories about the girls she's been with. It fascinated you to learn all these new terms and what everything was. "I promise to talk to you before hand next time-" She instantly cuts you off. "Why are you still standing here. Cook, I've been working all day." She spits going to your guys shared bedroom. You sigh doing so. And that was your life.

It was maybe a couple weeks after, you had felt like you were coming down with something so you decided that bed rest was the best thing. It was now 3 in the afternoon. You were sleeping in your bed when the door busted open. "What the fuck are you still doing in bed it's almost 4!" Isabel was home and not happy. You sit up a bit. "Yes I know I'm sorry bu-" She drops her bags. "This place is a mess, there's dishes out. Foods not even ready. Laundry is still in the hamper. What fucking else." You look at her softening your look. "Iz, I'm sorry- I woke up feeling horrid so I decided to stay in bed." She shakes her head. "Even when I have the worst headache known to man I still get my ass up and work. You know all that sweet money, I work for that. And you work here that is your job." This was one of the moments were you'd feel bad for yourself. Weak. Weaker right now considering you're sick. You look down at the sheets. "Are you even listening to me? You spoiled brat." She doesn't do what she does next often but when she does you know you're in the shit. She hits you. Hard. "Wonder why I have a headache all the time. It's you and your whiney voice. Look at how pathetic you are." She glares down at your drowsy figure. You feel tears finally sting as you had held them in. Refusing to let yourself be so weak, but you give in. Feeling overwhelmed with emotions right now. "What the fuck are you gunna be like when I go away in a few weeks huh? You better keep this place spotless you know about the cameras. I'll be watching you." Yes. The oh so lovely cameras. They're only in the kitchen, living room and laundry. The only places you slave away at. "I will iz I promise." She hums. "I'll believe it when i see it. I needa go out and grab some stuff. Make sure dinners ready when I get back." She says before getting her keys and leaving. You then sob. Letting it all out as you shakily grab your phone going to the only person who knows how to comfort you. Ellie.

When she arrives not long after, giving a honk. You go outside and get in the passenger seat. "Off anywhere?" You shake your head. "No that's alright. I don't want to get yelled at.." Ellie sighs. "Bub, you can't keep letting her treat you like this-" "if I left I'd have nowhere to go Els.." She keeps looking at you. "Yes you do. Mine." You let out a small breath looking down at your hands. "Everythings so messy." She nods, even if you can't see. "I know angel but my offer still and will forever stand. I think you should take it." You just wipe the small tears forming at your eyes. "How was your day?" She hates how you change the subject. She always has. She wants to talk about it with you more. Comfort you more. "Pretty easy going. Do you want a hug love?" You shake your head. "Its best if you don't come near me right now-" "I promise it's not gunna affect me if you cry. You know that." You nod. "I know, but I'm sick- thats why she yelled at me.." She furrows her brows. "She got mad at you because you weren't feeling well? What a fucking bitch." You sigh, in the midst of a slight cough. "Angel you should go back in and rest. Let me help-" You immediately shake your head. "She'd know you were there. I- I couldn't risk that." You always felt awful. Not because you got yelled at but because she would want to pick a fight with Ellie too. Ellie was older then Iz too, more mature. Never bought into her crap. "I'll make sure she doesn't yell at you, you really need rest you work your ass off-" You stop her talking. "I don't want her to try anything with you Els." She shakes her head. "She won't. I promise just let me make you some soup and tuck you in. Please, just that." You contemplate whether or not you should but you nod regardless.

She was making the soup trying to be as speedy in hopes she wouldn't bump into Isabel. "Here you go. Say you made it for yourself. I also cleaned a lil." She sends you a wink. And when she says a lil she means the whole lot. "Els, you seriously didn't have to." She smiles gently. "No but I wanted to. I also made something else. Knowing grump would be hungry when she gets back." You look at her so thankful. "You have no idea how much I appreciate you." She gives you a kiss on the head. "Call if you need anything else. I love you." She says while looking in your eyes. "I love you too Els." You respond sweetly. Oh how stupid you were to realize how INlove she was with you. But she plans to show you sooner or later. As she's the one you should truly, be with.

[mashiraostail]

Hii! can i request your take on how wyll would react to a partner that is just ridiculously into him? like, they blush and giggle everytime he makes a joke, anytime they talk to him in camp they are def staring at his stomach, they cling to him at every opportunity. that kinda thing.

i LOVE your writing btw

this how i am with Wyll in my play through he goes "well met" and im kicking my legs and giggling

sorry i've been kinda MIA turns out being an adult with responsibilities like lowkey takes up a lot of my time.

Wyll doesn't like to flatter himself, he's the Blade of Frontiers that's special enough. He doesn't also have to be the apple of every wayward adventure's eye, he doesn't have to be anything particularly special to look at. So he doesn't, flatter himself that is, he doesn't immediately think that he's the reason his newest traveling companion is fluttering and blushing and stumbling in every direction. He figures you're just like that, excitable and always happy to see a familiar face in such a treacherous situation. He decides that he's more than happy to be that familiar face for you. It had been that way since your first meeting at the grove, you had reached out and rested a hand on his bicep as you invited him to join your camp and something about the twinge of color in your face and the way you struggled to hold his gaze made him feel glad to have been invited, he accepted easily. He briefly wonders if perhaps your constant watching and nervous fluttering comes from a place of distrust, distrust in his eye, in his pact, and in his history, that concern didn't last long.

As you traveled together it only became worse, the less clothing he had on the fewer syllables you could choke out at him, all of his jokes were the funniest things you'd ever heard and if you had any say in the matter you would always walk beside him. He didn't mind, actually the opposite, and he wondered when it might be time to start flattering himself with the notion that you would enjoy more than just friendly conversation.

He can feel your eyes on him, which isn't unusual, but lately it seems to be more. What could have been mistaken before for an excitability about or a desire for friendship and a familiar face was slowly morphing into something more tangibly lustful. He could feel your eyes on his stomach, gliding down the wiry trail of hair below his navel, darting between the protrusion of his hipbones, down the V of his shirt collar and over the veins in his bicep. When you spoke your eyes fluttered between his face and his body and if it were anybody else he wondered if he would feel as flattered as he did right now.

Often he finds himself looking for a reason to go to you, maybe he likes flattering himself or maybe he just likes you. He'll bring you books to read on relevant topics like mind-flayers and mind-flayer transformations, areas you're going to travel through, enemies you'll have to fall and so on. When the day is out and you all settle in at camp he's usually looking for you first of all.

"There you are-"

You try to not go so dutifully to him, you know your oogling is obvious, you'd feel more guilty if his distaste of it were clearer but you couldn't get a read on him and you couldn't help yourself at the best of times. It was especially hard to get a read on him when he seemed to be looking for you almost as often as you were thinking of or looking at him.

"Wyll." You're sitting by the camp fire, back against a log when you see him walking towards you, or hear him call out for you.

"I was looking for you." He stops barely a foot away, looking down at you. You instantly feel heat rise up your chest, you can feel it pool between your collar bones and climb slowly up your neck, the color burns your cheeks.

"You were....looking for me?" And gods help you, you try to look at his face, his face is as lovely as the rest of him but at night you get to see his uncovered arms and stomach and you can't help but desperately want to see it all.

"I found something for you today, it slipped my mind earlier but I saw it in my pack and remembered you." He's holding a book up, "I hope I can blame this forgetfulness on our unwanted passengers." He taps his temple, "otherwise I fear what will happen to me in my old age."

The worst part of it all is you're extremely capable, Wyll's watched you fell hundreds of enemies by now, and that's in the past week alone. But somehow all he had to do was crack a light joke and you were giggling and smiling at him like a school child. Though he didn't seem disdainful of it, he actually looked rather proud, so the embarrassment about it was reserved for you alone.

"It's a book about the Underdark and the Myconid colonies there. I'm not sure what it was doing in that empty tavern basement but...I guess my old habits can still come in handy sometimes." He shrugs and holds it out to you, "I figured you would like to read it."

"Thank you for thinking of me." You're sure he can see the wash of color over your skin darken, especially so when he reaches out his pointer finger to brush against your hand as you take the book from him.

"Don't thank me, it's easy." He shrugs and procures an apple and a dagger, though he's probably had them the whole time and you only tore your eyes away from his chest to notice now. "Room for one more? I can share this apple as repayment." He nods at the empty spot beside you and tries not to laugh as you flounder to sit up and make room for him.

"What's gotten into you lately?" He's still standing as he begins to peel the apple with the slightly dulled blade, pushing it occasionally against the pad of his thumb, he drops the scraps for the cub and Scratch who come dutifully to him, "you seem jumpier than usual."

What had gotten into you was Wyll's incessant need to test the water with you. He'd sit by you and your thighs would touch and you would be able to feel his breath on your shoulder when he spoke; he'd offer to take your bowl after dinner and cover your hand with his when he did, and he would laugh at you, and rest his hand on his stomach where he must know you would look. He'd watch you preen and purr at the attention, and you would go to him like a moth to a flame and he would celebrate the victory of it as if he hadn't had you all along.

"I'm just...exhausted." You rub your face to sell the lie, and it was certainly a lie, you couldn't feel tired around Wyll only jumpy, clingy and nervous.

"Really?" He frowns, "shall I leave you then?"

His frown was enough to make your chest and stomach bloom with excitement, he wanted to stay with you.

"No! I can't sleep so early.... I'll be up all night. I'd like your company."

You watch the subtle flex and give of his bicep and forearm, illuminated in the firelight, as he rounds the edge of the dagger across the apple's skin, the vein on the back of his hand gently protrudes as the blade of the dagger presses against his thumbprint. Every twist of the dagger brought his biceps to life, the steady strength of his arm coaxing the apple's skin to surrender in slow, deliberate ribbons; and you genuinely aren't sure what to do with it all. You wanted to feel his biceps ripple under your hands, watching the practiced ease with which he moved made you wonder what else he was well practiced for.

"We should have somebody paint you a picture. when we get to the city." He slices of a bit of the peeled apple and offers it to you, "it would last you longer."

"A painting wouldn't do you justice." You take it from him as he sits down, you hear him kiss his teeth and laugh through his nose.

"Careful, you won't like me with a big head. What are you trying to butter me up for, exactly?" He slices himself a cube of the apple and despite the shame anyone else would feel at his previous words you can't help but watch as his teeth sink into the apple with a crunch. You watch the flex and pop of his jaw as he chews and the bob of his Adam's apple as he swallows. If he can tell you're watching he doesn't seem to mind.

"Nothing in particular." You shake your head at him and accept another small chunk of the fruit he was cutting.

"Ah." He twirls it in his hands, "but you are trying to butter me up then?"

"I don't know if I would call it that, I just can't help myself."

"You know, at first I worried you just didn't trust me." He offers a chunk of apple to the cub and scratch before throwing it into the distance, they run after it and he grins, "but now I'm worried I'm becoming vain, thanks to you."

"Vain?" You pique, "why's that?"

"I can tell you're always looking, and I'm preening like a peacock for you. Dunno why, you'd caught something the second you met me, didn't you?" He nudges his shoulder against you before going on, the flush rising again to your face was all the answer he needed, "I'll tell you the truth, if you'd like to hear it, I aim to live by the standards of a gentleman. The kind of man my father would have been proud to raise. I like to do things properly, slowly, deliberately." He sets the dagger down, "but, when we met, I could feel you looking at me at camp that night, the way you talked to me, and preened for me, it felt good. I felt like I wouldn't have minded to throw away those standards, to enjoy you the way you seemed to enjoy me."

"So why didn't you?" You sounded almost petulant, and you were looking up at him with so much earnest that he wondered again what would be so bad about throwing caution to the wind.

"Just because I wouldn't have minded to do something doesn't mean it would be the right thing to do. I am glad to take my time with this, no matter how difficult I find it at times. It's rewarding to...enjoy flattering myself with your attention while I consider, with time, all the ways I'd like to return it. You deserve much more than a lustful, needy, late night tryst, as wonderful as it may sound in the heat of the moment. You deserve all the careful time and consideration I can muster the will power to afford...I only want you to know that I understand you, and I feel the same way. When the time is right, and when I can give you the sort of night you deserve, you'll have me. I promise."

If you were to ask Wyll he would tell you he honestly had no idea how he kept his head from growing to big to fit in camp. Gods, you were practically purring in his lap and all he had offered up were some honeyed words and close contact. He'd never tell, but maybe it was all a bit self indulgent because gods did he love watching you bloom for him, he didn't mind letting you push the envelope, put your hands on his chest, let them wander a bit, he had more than enough will power to deny himself in the end and it would all be worth it when he finally found the right time to have you, or at least when he finally ran out of will power.

He wouldn't mind waiting until then anyways, not when you gave him enough attention to hold him over for a life time.