#Foster care trauma

[ex-foster]

Reunification with birth parents for adult adoptees or foster kids can be upsetting due to various reasons. It may stir up complex emotions, including:

1. **Identity Confusion:** Reconnecting with birth parents can challenge the established sense of identity formed within adoptive or foster families, causing confusion.

2. **Unmet Expectations:** Expectations of a perfect or ideal reunion may clash with reality, leading to disappointment if the relationship falls short of anticipated emotional fulfillment.

3. **Past Trauma:** If the separation from birth parents was due to trauma or difficult circumstances, revisiting the past can resurface painful memories and emotions.

4. **Dual Loyalties:** Adult adoptees may feel torn between loyalty to their birth and adoptive families, struggling to balance and navigate complex relationships.

5. **Fear of Rejection:** There may be a fear of rejection or abandonment, especially if the reunion is initiated by the adoptee or foster child.

It's crucial to approach reunification with sensitivity, acknowledging the emotional complexities involved, and providing support for individuals navigating these challenging experiences.

[fosterwhat]

My home reopened for foster care last Friday, and a couple hours later a new kiddo was here.

We’ll call him Kai.

Kai is 3 years old. An emergency removal. He came dressed in girl’s clothing (I guess all the office had on hand). DCFS had grabbed one of their pre-packed bags — it had size 7/8 clothing. Girl leaning again. Kai is a peanut, he fits into size 18 month at age 3. So, you can imagine that size 7/8 was a no go.

I was told he was non-verbal and autistic, but he walked into my home said “hello, Mommy” and proceeded to talk my ear off for the next three days.

He declared our puppy “cute, but a little crazy,” which is honestly spot on. Though I will say my dog stayed so very patient, given that Kai hit him suddenly out of nowhere.

So much trauma, so many injuries that the child abuse doctors missed (drives me crazy, treating and documenting that is their only job).

I stressed to everyone who would listen that he is not autistic, that it’s just early childhood trauma, that there is so much potential there. (Autistic kids have tons of potential too, but a lot of people sadly find it harder to see, and if you’re not willing to accept an autistic child that’s sad but reality, and getting mislabeled helps no one). He reminded me of Felix, a lot. He was a lot. But also within days I had him on a routine and understanding basic rules. But he also likes to elope and screech and has never had any type of schedule. It’s hard to describe unless you’ve loved* it. Those of you who are foster parents probably know exactly what I mean. A three year old who fell through the cracks.

*this was supposed to say “lived” but autocorrected to love. And I’m leaving it, because maybe that’s what I really mean. That you don’t really get it, the combination of the hard and the potential, until you’ve loved a kid like that

[onceuponafosterkid]

I moved in with my foster parents when I was 15. I don’t live with them anymore, but my apartment is five minutes away from their house and I still see them all the time. I don’t always vocalize to my foster mom when I’m struggling because I know she has a house full of kids to worry about, and I don’t want to burden her. I swear she has this sixth sense though, because whenever I start spiraling it’s like she knows. If it’s been a few days since we’ve talked, she’ll call me and check on me, or invite me over for dinner. She’s even driven over here to pick me up to run errands with them and get lunch, just us. Sometimes I look through our texts and it’s impossible to not see how much she loves me, just from those texts. The other day I finally told her and my foster dad a little bit about what I’ve been struggling with, and they just listened to me vent, and they reassured me, and gave me advice. I’m not her blood, but she knows me better than anyone and I think that’s how she always knows, even without me telling her. I don’t know how she does it, but I’m so grateful for both of them. I know that no matter how messy my life gets, I can always come home to them, no questions asked. This is what foster care is supposed to be. I moved out almost three years ago, but they still save my seat at the dinner table. They don’t adopt kids, they never wanted us to feel like some of us were better than others, and they can’t take all of us. In the 39 years they’ve been foster parents, they’ve raised over 300 kids, but they make sure that I know I will always have a place in their lives. So when I think about what love looks like, that’s what I picture, them.

[kerryweaverlesbian]

Jack au where he's a psychic who can commune with ghosts. Almost every major character from Supernatural is a ghost. Including Sam Dean and Cas. This would serve these major tennants of his relationships:

Isolated. The people Jack spends the majority of his time with are NOT part of the normal world. Sam, Dean, Cas and Mary live in a bunker and don't know how to be people. The AU hunters are literally from another world. His mom is dead. Kaia is split between realms. The only Real people he knows well are his young adult nerd friends and arguably Harper. You don't want 1/4 of your tie to reality to be a witch who wants to be Cheryl Blossom from Riverdale as her life's aspiration. That's no way to live!

Intangible. Because of Jack's immense power, he is, in a sense, untouchable. He is stopped when people hug him or push him or shoot him because he chooses to stop. There is a veil between him and them. There is also a scarcity of common ground. There is nothing else out there like him. Dean might stomp and bark and howl but, ultimately, what can he do to Jack physically? Nothing. The only power the ghosts have is emotional and social. Imagine being outcasted by the ghosts who can only see you and each other. Ouch!

Fleeting. Everyone he cares for is doomed to die. This happens even before he's born with Cas and Kelly and Mary, but also throughout his life. He both has long strings of tragedy in short periods AND he's immortal and worries about it. Loss and loniness are inevitable for him on a massive scale. Cas might claim that he'll be there with him but he dies like twice a year at least. Picture ghost!Cas midway through a reassuring speech that he's always going to be there with him fading out into the veil mid-sentence.

Guilt-ridden. Life is wasted on the living, isn't it? Youth is wasted on the young. He's got dozens of ghosts needing him to live in the way they want him to so they can feel alive again, and he's not capable of being that (literal) lifeline. He needs to learn how to say no and stick to it. He needs to learn how to live with the fact that he has to disappoint people to live well sometimes. He has to engage with the living, because the dead are going to kill him if he hangs on to them too long.

So if someone could write this devestating yet beautiful 25k+ fic for me that'd be really swell.

[crumbleclub]

cannot get over the idea of michael having to explain anything traumatic that happened to him well after the fact and it's just. so clear he hasn't dealt with it at all. eyes downcast, voice shaking. he doesn't realize he's crying until somebody tells him.

it's like it's happening all over again.

[chasing-posts]

Foster care au.

In a world when Sakumo still commits suicide, but rather than letting Kakashi become a ninja instantly and have him raise himself and live alone at five years old (WHOSE ASININE IDEA WAS THIS-), he gets put in a foster care home.

And the person who volunteers as his foster, is Maito Dai. And he helps Kakashi work through his trauma while also ensuring the rivalry with his son Gai, stays healthy.

[katierosefun]

okay so now that i’ve officially finished watching leverage i just want to say that maybe i’m obsessed with this show on multiple levels and something about how it hits so many itches in that it’s about found family and it’s about fucking over bad, rich guys (no billionaire bootlicking in this show! and i fucking love it) and it’s also about how sometimes the bad guys are the only good guys you get and it’s also about how we are all stronger together it’s about how at the start of this show, we have all of these characters who are largely used to working alone and being alone and yet the show concludes that ultimately, we are better when we are together and by being together, we might be able to leave something behind that is bigger and brighter for the next people in our generation and no man is an island and no person is meant to beat goliath on their own or whatever

[healingpolyphony]

I cannot believe I just read “Jaqueline Wilson is problematic because she glamourised foster care” as if the foster home she wrote about wasn’t literally called The Dumping Ground and her books are some of the only child friendly books that acknowledge the trauma of the foster care system.

Idk about that person but as someone who was a deeply traumatised child in the foster care system her books were important representation and are still close to my heart ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[eldritch-queern-magicat]

Dude fuck moral OCD, that shit is ruining my enjoyment of social media.

Random internet people thinking I'm a bad person just because I don't boost the shit I'm told to is not something I should worry about. Of course it's based on my prior religious experiences, though. First largely from the Pentecostals in foster hell, and then Nanny. The worst part of it is that it's also tied to appeals to faith. It's much harder to heal from when it's part of the religious trauma in the first place.

So now I have this awful knee-jerk reaction to requests to boost something in general. It's getting better with good faith requests, since I am working on my ability to discern based on evidence and trust others. But the more urgent the situation or request, the flightier I feel. And that's just the honest, good faith requests to boost something.

Honestly, the point of making this post is that I know this is a problem, but I'm working on it. It's really hard to retrain your mind as an adult to not see every single request as a life-or-death, moral demand. It got to a point where it frequently induced my avoidance of whatever it was about or wherever it was. It's absolutely miserable.

-Tate 🧃😺

[ex-foster]

Girls and women from foster care, don't let liberal feminists tokenize you for the abortion debate.

[iamamythologicalcreature]

Baz-kitty update

(tangentially related to boop fest 2024)

(Yes there is a kitty pic in this ramble)

So Baz-kitty has been a little skittish when it comes to allowing me to touch her. (I've explained in previous posts/stories but quick refresher: I discovered that she's very sensitive and skittish and wants to be touched very gently. Hence Baz-kitty.)

I am trying to help her feel more comfortable and secure with being casually touched so she can accept regular human/kitty affection. Not only will that help her be more attractive to potential adopters, but I genuinely believe she craves affection and just needs to feel safe enough to receive it. (BAZ-KITTY ahem)

So one of the ways I'm gently encouraging soft touches is by resting a hand on her whenever she's comfortably within reach. For example, when she sleeps next to me on my bed I will carefully reach out and rest a hand on her tail, or one of her legs, and just let it rest there. (I don't try to ask for anything, cause she's not there, yet.)

This is very slow process, but I have seen progress. Over the months she has moved closer and closer to me and is now able to occasionally sleep right next to me.

This is a big deal. What makes this an even bigger, cooler deal is that today as I was surfing my Boop-meter (words I did not ever expect myself to say), she made herself comfortable next to me and did this.

(in case that's not clear, that's my arm.)

It only lasted for about ten minutes, but this return gesture is SO AMAZING. When I think about how far she's come over the past year, I am proud of both her and myself.

I love helping people. Cats are people, too. She is such a smart kitty, and deserves the very best forever home.

ANYHOO. How is this related to booping? LOOK IT. SHE BOOPED ME. 🧡🧡🧡

So in honor of Baz-kitty's positive strides towards being able to accept the affection her heart craves, please know that all future boops in my profile go directly to this sweet, aloof-but-in-need-of-secure-love feline version of Baz. XD

[fosterwhat]

We had parent/teacher conferences tonight and I continue to be concerned about Felix.

I thought he’d been doing okay the past few weeks but it turns out the school just hadn’t shared any of the incidents with me. There were two this week alone (it’s Wednesday). I have asked so many times for communication. Sent emails about it and had meetings about it. And I still get nothing. I’ve stressed that I need the information to work with his therapeutic team. That I need the info so I can back up the school at home and work to improve behaviors. Nothing. They don’t even bother telling me that he’s missed two hours of class, broken objects, self-harmed, etc. Do they think he’s going to tell me? I don’t get it.

And then I asked them if they were administering his as-needed medication when he’s dysregulated. They are not. The principal thinks it’s not necessary because “they can handle him”. Okay, but the medication is prescribed. And you may be comfortable with him missing hours of class time because he’s raging, but if you just gave the medication he would be missing 15 minutes of class, or maybe none at all. Frankly, I don’t care what you think you can handle, I care what my child can handle. I care what our family can handle. Don’t send home an exhausted irritated traumatized child because you refuse to give him a prescribed pill.

Add insult to injury and they are still not following his IEP. I have met with them three times this year. Every meeting they accuse him of lying. But I absolutely know he’s right, he’s not getting the IEP services, because if he was the above wouldn’t be happening to the degree it is. I know the term gaslighting is overused, but I think that’s where we are now. His school is gaslighting us, and it’s hurting everyone.

[snowfallnight]

Not enough alma's not normal content on here! It's one of my fav comedies from the last few years- incredibly upbeat and optimistic while simultaneously covering extremely traumatic experiences, but not in an exploitative way? It's actually kind of hard to describe. I may have to just start gif-ing it idk

[onceuponafosterkid]

This last month with my therapist we have been working on trauma. The older I get, the more I realize how much I am still affected by my childhood abuse. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to be “normal”. Little things like getting overstimulated at work because of noise, or people touching me. Having really intense episodes of depression on a weekly basis. It feels like my brain is broken, like there’s something chemically and physically wrong with my brain. My therapist has brought up some really good points that I hope will help me be kinder to myself. First is that when people go through years of trauma, and have complex post traumatic stress disorder, there a chemical shift in the brain. Nobody goes through trauma and comes out the same as they were before or as people who haven’t been through that trauma. So it makes sense that I struggle with things, my brain is different, and instead of being angry with myself for something that wasn’t my fault, I’m learning how to adapt my life to my needs, which is difficult. The second thing is that I was 12 when I left that house. I’m 21 now. I tell myself that it’s been almost 10 years, I should be fine by now, I should’ve healed and learned how to let go of that pain. She said that those twelve years make up 57% of my life right now. The trauma didn’t end when I ended up I foster care. I’ve been on my own as an adult for 3% of my life, meaning I’ve only spent 3% of my life working towards healing from that 57% percent. It sounds silly to say that I should be fine when I hear the numbers. I know that healing doesn’t have an end, there is no maximum amount of healing you can do in your life because to heal is to grow, and to grow is to be alive. I will be healing for the rest of my life which sounds both exhausting and reassuring. I have the rest of my life to heal, I don’t have to, and I can’t do it all right now. I’ve been putting unrealistic expectations on myself and it’s been exhausting. So now I have to learn how to slow down and go at a pace that feels okay because that’s what it takes to truly heal. I can’t bully myself into feeling okay. It sounds stupid but I have to be gentle with myself and love myself while I do this. Maybe you needed that reminder too. Healing takes time and it takes patience. There’s no timeline or due date, it’s just a process and sometimes the process looks different at various points in your life and that’s okay. It’s supposed to. We’re going to get there one day.

[c-0-yote-teeth]

Can I just say I HATE how everything holds memories. Every fucking thing.

I just listened to New Perspective by p!atd for the first time since 2014.

In 2014 I was 14 and in foster care, in what was supposed to be a short-term group home, this 👌 fucking close to offing myself. I had lost everyone and everything because my mother was an addict and my family is religious, and I wanted to be myself and be honest with them.

I grew close with people that I never spoke to again. I screamed the lyrics to New Perspective in the car because there were so few songs that made me feel.

"Stop there, and let me correct it- I wanna live my life from a new perspective"

That was all I wanted. To be able to look at my life and not feel pity. Not feel broken. Not feel lost and abandoned and confused and

Alone.

Every friend I made was gone in a matter of weeks and meanwhile I stayed.

Eventually I stopped caring. Friends and I would skip school and speed over the bridge with our windows down, screaming-

"Stop there, and let me correct it, I want to live my life from a new perspective-"

Because they were broken too. Because we were broken together.

I have so much more to say but it's hard to put into words.

I hate how everything holds memories.

[nothing0fnothing]

After my sister and I moved out of her house, my mother became a foster parent. She had started the process to begin fostering when we were children but pulled out when she was informed it would mean an increased presence of social services in the home while her and her husband were abusing us. We were moved out now though, and she thought this was the best way to make a buck off of our empty bedrooms.

It was a shit show. I watched from the sidelines as my mother welcomed vulnerable children into her home, love bombed them for a few weeks, then turned cold and distant once she grew bored of them. The older kids were used to it, and moved on quickly enough. The younger ones stayed, and would just spiral into problem behaviours and mental distress to try and elicit some level of care and compassion from her that would never come. She absolutely thrived off of it. She loved that the kids had nobody else and she loved that she had all the power to make them lose their absolute minds. Once she was done with that, they became "too much" for her, she'd have them moved on, expressing to her case workers that she just wasn't prepared for this level of challenge.

I never saw her hit them, but I watched how after the phase of intense care and attention, she'd switch up and exclude and ignore them. What I didn't witness directly, she'd tell me when we'd catch up, as if she was proud of her behaviour.

She'd be dismissive of their wants and needs, she'd roll her eyes or remind them that she had more important things to deal with than them. They'd cry sometimes and she'd leave them in the room alone.

Being only 20, it was like watching my own childhood play out in front of me and it hurt my heart so much. I'd tell her that she was being heartless, that she was hurting people who had already been through enough, that she needed to stop. Eventually, I started encouraging her to stop fostering entirely "this is more effort than it's worth for you." "You've raised your kids there's no reason you should be responsible for raising everyone else's." Literally anything I thought she might take on board so nobody else had to go through what I did.

She doesn't foster anymore. She did for 3 years consistently, but the agency she worked for fired her and she's never told anyone the full truth about why. Too little too late in my opinion, she had too many kids get emotionally fucked up because of her behaviour, but I'm glad she will never get paid to take an already vulnerable kid into her care again.