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callhermyname · 7 months ago

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you're not going | e.m. x reader - prologue

summary: you and Eddie meet for the first time (a few weeks before the start of s1);

pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader

word count: 2.6k

warnings: MDNI!! mostly fluff, just a tiny bit of angst, reader is Dustin's cousin, mentions of absent father, postpartum depression, parents death, self-esteem issues, bullying (let me know if I missed anything).

a/n: HEY so this is my first fic ever so even if it's absolute garbage pls be nice to me😭 also sorry for any grammar mistakes english is not my first language. this is supposed to be the start of a s4 rewrite series, so if you want more please like this post, reblog and let me know what you think. hope u enjoy it!

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You've been living at aunt Claudia's since you were 14. After your mom died, you had nowhere else to go — you can't even remember the last time your dad was in the picture, so when your aunt took you in, you kinda felt thankful that you got to start over, have a fresh start in another town, away from your old life (that you hated). You were still grieving, but aunt Claudia was always very sweet and caring, and soon after you moved in you started to see Dustin as the little brother you never had. It felt a little weird at first — even though your mother did her best, she never really liked the situation you were both in. She never planned to have kids, at least not before graduating from college, especially if it meant being a single mom at such a young age, so you couldn't really blame her for drowning in postpartum depression after you were born until she passed away. So, when her older sister took you in, you didn't expect for her to be so different from your mom, so caring, so gentle, so loving, such a good mom for Dustin and now to you too.

When you first got to Hawkins, you didn't really have any friends besides your 11 year old cousin. One of his friends had a sister about your age — Mike's sister, Nancy — but, although she was always nice to you, you never really quite hit it off. She was sweet, but you didn't have a lot in common and her friends could be really mean. Will's brother, Jonathan, was always very shy and quiet, never really made conversation and you were definitely not the kind of person to force social interaction with someone that obviously didn't care for it, so you just kept it to yourself for most of the first year you spent at Hawkins.

A couple of weeks before Will went missing, Nancy was picking Mike up at your place and invited you to a party at her boyfriend's house. Your aunt overheard the conversation and was very excited to see you were making friends, so you decided to go just so she wouldn't worry about you being an absolute loser. You were always quite self-conscious of your appearance so it took some time to pick out an outfit, but you finally settled for something comfy and not that flashy, but flattering: your best Queen shirt under your favorite jeans overalls and a flannel and your only pair of shoes — basic black chuck taylors.

It was late October and the air was chilly, wind blowing through your hair and cutting your face like tiny little blades as you rode your bike to Steve Harrington's house, hoping to god Nancy was already there so you wouldn't be alone and awkward. You could already hear the music from two blocks away, and when you got to the front door, Nancy was waiting for you with her friend Barb. You knew Barb from school, you took English together, but didn't really talk about anything not school related, but she seemed nice.

"You made it! I was already getting worried you wouldn't show up" Nancy greeted you. "You know Barb, right?"

"Yeah, hey Barb" you agreed and Barb nodded. "Sorry it took me so long to get here, my bike has seen better days…"

"It's fine, don't worry. Let's get in, I'll show you around. You can leave your bike at the back of the garage, outside of the backyard fence."

You left your bike where Nancy told you to and followed her into the house as she showed you where the bathroom was, stumbling over people coming in and out of the house, up and down the stairs. The house was so crowded, it felt like people were coming out of the walls. When she led you to the back of the house, she sat down by the pool and introduced you to her boyfriend and his friends, who were around the pool.

From the start, you felt out of place. Steve and his friends didn't know you, but you already knew them. It was ridiculous to you how those people had made fun of you more than once at school but did not remember your face when Nancy introduced you as her friend. Maybe because you weren't wearing your big squared glasses, or because you tried something different with your hair? It didn't really matter anyways. At least they were not making fun of you. Poor Barb wasn't so lucky — they gave her a really hard time, and Nancy was just completely powerless over the situation, too afraid to say anything to try and defend her friend. After an hour, Barb got fed up and left, leaving you alone with Nancy and those assholes who were absolutely wasted and wouldn't shut up about playing spin the bottle or truth or dare.

"Come on, what are you, twelve?" Steve protested, "We're not kids man, that's just boring."

"You're absolutely right Harrington. But, we could spice it up, ya know?" Tommy offered, trying to convince Steve to play the game "For every truth or dare you refuse to tell or do, you have to take a shot of tequila. What do you say, Harrington? Wanna get absolutely wasted?"

Next thing you know, you were excusing yourself to go to the bathroom while at least 10 people were gathering around forming a circle on the floor of Steve's backyard. You didn't really need to use the bathroom, you just needed to cool off a little before getting hammered — you were NOT about to tell any truths or do any dares around these people you barely knew. Before you could go back outside, you got yourself a glass of water in the kitchen. As you threw away the red plastic cup, now empty, you heard a conversation through the kitchen window that headed to the backyard.

"So, can we start the game already?"

"Wait, where's Wheeler's friend?"

"Barb left like, half an hour ago, Carol" you heard Nancy reply.

"No, not the chubby one, the other one, the weird one with the ugly hair."

"I think she needed to use the bathroom…?"

"Oh my god do you think she's like, brushing her teeth or something? Thinking someone's gonna want to kiss her?" Carol laughed.

"We better not wait for her then, I do NOT want to spin the bottle and end up having to kiss that weird ass bitch!" Tommy said, getting a good laugh out of everyone.

Your eyes teared up as you backed away from the window, thinking about what to do. You thought you could just sneak out and go home, cry yourself to sleep, but then you remembered you had left your bike chained up by the backyard fence. There was no way you could get your bike without anyone noticing you sneaking out. Fuck, you knew you should've stayed home reading something or watching TV.

Since you couldn't go home without your bike, you decided to wait until everyone was back inside. It couldn't take that long, you thought, it was freezing out there. But you couldn't stay inside either. Not by yourself. So, you walked over to the front door and opened it, feeling the cold air hit your cheeks. You walked out of the house and into the woods beside the house, where you could still see the backyard, but would be out of sight, a little further from the backyard fence and hidden in the dark shadow of the trees that surrounded the Harrington's property. Once you were settled, seated on the ground, you bursted into tears. Hot, salty tears running through your face as you sobbed, hating everything about yourself, hating the fact that, no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't escape the fact that you were always different. Not in an obvious way — you didn't have that much of a fashion sense that was bold enough to earn dirty looks from old ladies —, but sometimes you felt like you didn't feel things the same way other people did. You felt fragile, small, vulnerable, like you were exposed all the time. It made you feel like shit.

You were so quiet, you couldn't help but to jump out when you heard footsteps behind you and then something snapping, like someone had stepped on a branch or something. You turned around wide eyed, heart pounding, just to see a silhouette standing behind you, holding a little metal lunchbox. It was a boy, shaggy curly hair down to right below his earlobes, Iron Maiden shirt, leather jacket and denim vest, dark loose jeans and heavy black boots.

"Dude, what the fuck" you panted, trying to not look as spooked and jumpy as you were "where did you came from?"

"Shit, sorry" he said, trying to hold back his laughter "didn't mean to scare ya, normally i don't run by anyone when i take this shortcut, though it has been a while since i actually used this shortcut — see, i usually drive mostly everywhere, but i ran out of gas money for the month and i thought 'hey, i could actually use a little walk through the woods to cool my head off a little' so i just decided to- whoa, wait, are you crying? I'm so sorry I didn't mean to scare you like that!" he stopped his rambling when he noticed you were drying your tears with the sleeve of your jacket.

"No, it's not- really, i'm fine" you panicked, noticing he seemed a little hurt by your reaction "i was already crying before you- sorry, it wasn't you, i'm fine don't worry"

He walked over to you and sat down beside you, a concerned look on his face.

"I don't wanna be nosy or anything, I know you don't really know me" he started, you now realizing you did recognise him from school, how could you not? He's always drawing attention to himself "but you can talk to me if you want. I'm guessing you were at Harrington's party? Everyone down there sitting at that circle in the backyard is kinda known for being a pain in the ass"

"What gave it away?" you brushed off your tears, slightly smiling at his comment "Just didn't wanna play truth or dare with… you know, those guys. But it seems they were glad I didn't join them, so they wouldn't have to kiss me if someone decided to play spin the bottle"

"Wait, what?" he seemed surprised "They told you that?"

"Not exactly" you explained "I was at the kitchen and overheard someone saying that outside, so i bailed"

"What are you still doing here then?- Oh, I'm Eddie, by the way." he introduced himself, shaking your hand as you introduced yourself.

You explained the whole situation to him and he offered to keep you company until you could get your bike back and go home. After an hour of nonsense conversation filled with Eddie's dramatic sense of humor, you actually got to know each other a little bit. He told you about his band and how he really liked Lord of the Rings and fantasy RPG.

"I'm not really a huge fan of fantasy books" you shared, causing him to gasp, as he was offended by your comment.

"How dare you? Are you not a huge fan of happiness too? Or maybe you hate puppies and ice cream?" he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm. "How can you not like the only way to escape this boring non-fictional world we are FORCED to live in?"

"Hey, don't get me wrong, I do like fiction. Just not... fantasy fiction."

"So what do you like then?"

"I really enjoy science fiction."

"What, like androids and shit?"

"No, not that kind of science fiction. I mean science fiction like... Clockwork Orange, or Flowers for Algernon."

"Oh so you're a nerd too!" he teased "I was almost buying all that 'not a nerd' act, but you're into Kubrick? That's so nerdy!"

"You do know Stanley Kubrick didn't write the book right?"

"Shut up, you know what I mean."

Once he started to talk about music, he just couldn't stop talking for a second. He told you about his band, and you felt as if he was the first person to ever understand your passion for music. After another 30 minutes or so of energetic conversation about how much you both liked 70s rock, he ended up telling you he only attended this kind of party to sell some weed and make a quick buck.

"Don't get me wrong, i fucking hate these people" he explained himself "but they ARE in fact my biggest costumers. Guess daddy's money might not be enough for them to feel loved, but it does buy whatever else they need to feel better about themselves. So, they always make sure I'm 'invited' to every party they want me to bring my little lunchbox to."

"Yeah, that makes sense i guess" you agreed, turning your head over to the backyard, people already heading inside due to the cold. You felt your heart sink, even though all you've been wanting was to take your bike and leave. You were actually really enjoying getting to talk to Eddie.

"Well, i guess this is it" he said, noticing as you watched everyone getting into the house "now you can go home and not listen to me and my rambling about whatever it is i was talking about. Hell, even i can't remember what the hell i was talking about most of the time" he laughed.

"To be honest, it wasn't that bad" you laughed back "it was definitely better than spin the bottle!"

He chuckled, helping you get up and unchain your bike from the fence, giving you a dorky smile as you hopped up on your bike.

"Well, I better get back to work huh? Got a lot of customers waiting on me" he gestured to the house as you secured your helmet under your chin.

"Yeah, I better get back home too. My aunt refuses to go to sleep until i get home safe, don't wanna keep her waiting"

"So, I guess I'll see you at school, huh?" he shifted at his feet and kicked the ground, stuffing his hands inside the pockets of his vest.

"Yeah, if there's any seats left for another nerd at your table for lunch" you chuckled awkwardly, looking at your feet.

"For a pretty one like you? Always."

You exchanged an awkward look and smiled at each other again, and with that you followed your way back home, feeling hopeful about how the next few weeks would play out. You thought you had finally found someone you could trust and spend time with, someone who got you — a friend.

For the next week or so, you and Eddie hung out a lot. Finally, you had someone you could call a friend, and things seemed to be going not so bad for the first time in months. He would always save you a seat at the table at lunch and walk you to your classes, he would even give you a ride every once in a while, when his van was not running out of gas. It was something you could get used to — at least until a couple of weeks later, when you, Nancy, Jonathan and Steve ended up trauma bonding over setting a demogorgon on fire. After that, your life had (literally) turned upside down and you didn't hang out with Eddie that much anymore. As the years went by, you would hang out more with Steve and Robin once Nancy and Jonathan started dating. You would still talk to Eddie though, just... not like you talked to your other friends. They were the only ones who actually understood what you were going through, and — even though you missed his company — it would be selfish to tell Eddie everything and drag him into that nightmare. Until of course, the nightmare caught up to him.

#stranger things #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson fanfic #stranger things rewrite #stranger things season 4 #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson angst #stranger things fic #stranger things fanfiction #eddie munson x henderson reader

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lanterns-and-daydreams · 9 months ago

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Forbidden Fruit

A Grayson Hawthorne x oc fic

Warnings/notes (regarding the whole fic) : slight cursing, sexual innuendos, no smut, MLM, friends to enemies to lovers, might be a lil ooc (forgive me first fic ever if you dont count 'Wine and Woes'), i also changed Cassian to a human instead of a faerie, also, it's gonna be a little slow, please bear with me.

(please heed that this only a work of fiction, so do not be influenced by it, and for the love of God don't do anything that's happening in this fic.)

(trespassing is not a light matter, especially when you're breaking into a multi-billionaire's house. Doing this will have its consequences 🙏💀)

Word count: Idk man, lots of words here 💀

Summary: Grayson Hawthorne had always wanted to be like his grandfather. He had never been in the business of making friends, until he meets someone who is going to turn his life upside down, and possibly make his brain short circuit

Prologue

Part 1

"your ego is bigger than Jupiter itself. Your IQ on the other hand, is the complete opposite"

"i know you ain't talking like that when you don't know what basic slang is, blondie"

"i prefer doing more productive things than spending all my time on such uselessly mind-consuming pieces of media"

"........ This is why you have no friends and no bitches"

"i have you." Grayson smiled, something he rarely did "maybe that's all I need."

Pre-Timeskip

Grayson Hawthorne was not in the business of making friends, much like his grandfather, Tobias Hawthorne. Even though he was only 13 years old, he relied on himself, he did not ask for help. Grayson knew he was extraordinary, his grandfather had made sure he knew.

He was prepared for every possible outcome in every possible situation. Or so he thought, until he was face to face with a rather unusual looking boy

Unusual in the sense that the boy was wearing muddy overalls, his fluffy brown hair had leaves and twigs stuck in it. His smile is too big, too bright, much like the sun shining overhead. Grayson's eyes trail down the short boy's appearance, hes holding his hands out to Grayson, holding two red geraniums in them. The geraniums are muddy too. Grayson's face scrunches up looking at the filth.

"Who are you?" Grayson glares at the boy "And how did you get in here?"

For anyone else, Grayson's glare would have been terrifying. His silver eyes making them uncomfortable in their own skin. But this boy? He kept grinning, and holding out his flowers. The audacity he had to ruin Grayson's peaceful garden time agitated Grayson.

"My name is Cassian!" Cassian smiles brightly "Whats yours?"

Grayson did not want to answer, this boy's innocence was.....annoying, but he did so out of politeness, and perhaps the hope that maybe this boy would leave if he knew who he was talking to was far superior.

"Grayson" Grayson introduced himself "My name is Grayson Hawthorne."

Grayson did not see any flash of recognition in the boy's midnight blue eyes. That agitated him more. First, this boy had the audacity to interrupt his peaceful garden time, Now, he didn't even know who Grayson was?!

"Woah! You have a cool name! Grayson. Gray, like your eyes" he says in awe, as if he had never seen gray eyes before

What was Grayson even supposed to say to that? Grayson frowns at Cassian. Hoping that maybe he'll see the obvious annoyance and leave. But Grayson's hopes were nothing if not futile, because Cassian just smiles at him.

Instead, he just tells him something Grayson does not want to know

"My last name is Moonbeam!" he smiles

Cassian Moonbeam? What a ridiculous name..... Grayson thought

It was also not a name Grayson recognised, so one, this boy was not from a prominent family, and two, he was not a worker's son. Since those children never approached Grayson, knowing who he is.

"You do realize that you're trespassing, right?" Grayson raises an eyebrow, looking down his nose at the boy

Cassian cocks his head to the side a little "Trespassing?" he says, expression neutral "but there's only one of me, wouldnt that make it unopassing?" he grins

This boy..... Grayson's mind comes up with a few rude words, but he decides to keep them to himself.

Instead, he calmly says "That wasn't funny"

"it wasn't meant to be."

"How did you get in here?"

"i slid through the tall border thingy" Cassian points at the tall border that separated the woods from the estate. Grayson's eyes slid from the metal border back to Cassian

"And no one saw you? Not even one of the guards? And how in the world did you manage to slip through the gap?!"

"oh. Um. Well, i kinda watched the guards routine a lot, so I slipped in when they were away." Cassian grins "And it's not that small of a gap. Plus, I'm small and lean"

Grayson was so done with this kid and this whole conversation. He wanted this boy gone

He sighs and states "Trespassing, especially onto the Hawthorne estate, is a crime"

Cassian's grin disappears and he cocks his head to the side "Crime? Are you saying the police are gonna arrest me?"

"im saying they can if they are notified"

"Then let's not tell them." Cassian slightly juts out his lower lip

Grayson was appalled. Things like this should be notified. So no one else creeps onto the territory. Tobias Hawthorne was a man whose head multiple people wanted. Grayson didnt know who those people were or why, but he knew that with power, came risk.

"Are you seriously telling me I shouldn't tell someone that someone trespassed onto the territory?!"

Cassian shrugs and Grayson wants to strangle him, instead, he sighs exasperatedly

"How old are you?"

"11. Why?"

"Doesn't that explain so many things" Grayson says sarcastically and rolls his eyes

"What does that mean!?"

"Nothing you should be concerned about considering the situation you're in. How do you even plan to get out of here?"

Cassian looks a little confused "Huh? What do you mean? I'll just go back out the same way I came in"

Grayson scoffs "Thats not what I meant. Now, hypothetically, I don't tell on you, but do you really expect to just leave without a scratch? One of the guards could see you as you're trying to get out. Fate isn't in your hands"

Cassian pauses "But I already have scratches"

Grayson grits his teeth "Those are not the kind of scratches I'm talking about, Cassian"

"Doesn't matter." Cassian frowns slightly "What about you? How old are you?"

"I have no reason to tell you" Grayson replies dismissively, pauses, and then says "13"

The smirk on Cassian's face is smug "oh, so you're a baby. Like me"

"Baby?!" Grayson looks offended "I am not a baby!"

"You are" Cassian leans forward, and with one muddy finger, boops Grayson's nose "Boop!"

That's it. How dare this....this commoner touch him?! It was bad enough not knowing who he is, now this?!

"Do that again-" Grayson starts to threaten, but is cut off with another boop to the nose "Wha-"

"You said 'do it again' " Cassian smirks cheekily

"I swear to God-" Grayson takes a deep breath, composing himself. It was not like him to lose his temper over something like this "Do not do that again. Now, state your business for bothering me"

"Flowers." Cassian holds up the geraniums "For you."

Grayson paused, processing this information "......"

"you trespassed onto Hawthorne property to give me flowers?!"

Cassian nodded excitably

"You are either exceptionally smart or extremely stupid" Grayson sighs "i do not want your flowers"

"ill forgive you for calling me stupid, since I want to be your friend."

"i do not want you as a friend. Why would you even want to be friends with me?"

"Because you're a loner with no friends to bring you flowers" Cassian shrugs

Grayson had to admit, that stung. He did have so-called "friends", but he never was close with them, so they were more like strangers that he knew. But was he going to admit he didn't have friends to Cassian? Absolutely not.

"i have friends" Grayson grits through his teeth, fists clenching at his sides. He was getting impatient.

"No, you don't. I would've seen them if you did" Cassian says smugly

Grayson pauses, inhaling a sharp breath "you were stalking me?"

"i wouldnt say that," Cassian takes a step closer as Grayson takes one back "More like, saw you sitting here alone everyday as I passed by."

"And if i dont believe you?" Grayson says, internally prepared for a fight

"Well, I'm already here and giving you flowers. Red, right? Your favourite color?" he holds up the flowers again

"Youre a wierdo," Grayson slaps his hand away "i dont want your flowers."

Cassian frowns a little "oh. That's okay, maybe you hate these ones. I'll bring you some more tomorrow"

"Do not come back" Grayson grits

"im gonna" Cassian places the flowers at Grayson's feet, stands back up, looks at Grayson, shoots him a mischievous grin, and boops his nose again, making Grayson's nose officially the most booped part of his body.

Grayson opens his mouth to finally curse but Cassian starts running away "Oh, no, you don't." Grayson runs after him

But Cassian is surprisingly fast, and dodges Grayson multiple times

"We're playing tag, now?" Cassian snorts a laugh

Grayson realizes what's happening and stops dead in his tracks and frowns, glaring at Cassian.

"Leave." he says, barely holding on to his anger

"Why-" Cassian begins, but Grayson interrupts

"Leave before I tell on you. I'm giving you a free card once, don't expect it again" Grayson takes a breath through his teeth

Cassian slowly blinks at him, but then smiles softly and says "Okay! I'll figure out how to get out by myself next time"

Grayson watches as the boy sneakily watches out for the guards, and then darts into the woods without being seen, and eventually vanishes out of sight.

Grayson lets out a huff of irritation, and begins to walk back to the House, when he notices the muddy geraniums on the grass in front of him.

He hesitates for a second before picking them up.

I'll just throw them away, it doesn't matter. He thought

But a small part of Grayson, that he desperately tried to push away, wants to keep them. He doesn't want to admit it, but he really did not have any friends to bring him flowers. He was still suspicious of the boy, but he decided to see where all of this would end.

But for now, all he had to focus on was getting inside, taking a much needed shower, because of that pesky boy, and then attend lunch with his brothers and Grandfather.

Prologue part2

Tagging:

@never-enough-novels @pink-mask-06

@x-liv25-jamieswife

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nanamiscocksleeve · 21 days ago

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°•❀•° 2024 fics in review °•❀•°

a chronological breakdown -> overall thoughts -> summary -> highlights, of all the writing i've done in 2024 !! original post here! :D

Thank you @reilemon for the tag! I'm in turn tagging @hesperisms, @lazyjellyfish300, @rahuratna @anonimusunnoaniswritinganonimus, @kentocalls and anyone else who wants to join! No pressure my loves!!!

Total number of fics: 38 (excluding Thirsty Weekends)

Total word count: 67712

Chronological Breakdown:

including fics, chapters, and formally-formatted hc posts. not including unformatted hc posts, rps, nor character analyses.

April

1. The Office Pet Part 1 - JJK, 2036 words 2. The Office Pet Part 2 - JJK, 1096 words 3. Werewolf! Omega! Nanami Headcanons - JJK, 3965 words

May

1. Masturbating After Kento's Death - JJK, 1542 words 2. Worshipping Kento's Cock - JJK, 2690 words 3. The Office Pet Part 3 - JJK, 5113 words 4. Kento Worshipping Your Boobs - JJK, 185 words

June

1. Natural Breeding Clinic Prologue - JJK, 1357 words 2. Kento Being a Cunt Teaser - JJK, 272 words 3. Blossoming Milk - JJK, 437 words 4. Livestream - JJK, 624 words

July

1. Gloryhole Janitor - JJK, 236 2. A Helping Mouth - JJK, 1966 words 3. Sylus Is a Switch - LADS, 110 words 4. You're Nervous Before a Mission - JJK, 500 words

August

1. Sucker For You - JJK, 1245 words 2. Ditch The Condom - LADS, 4483 words

September

1. Natural Breeding Clinic Patient 1 - JJK, 4530 words 2. Flowers For you - LADS, 336 words 3. How They Position Their Fingers - LADS, 308 words 4. Voyeur! Sylus - LADS, 401 words 5. Paintbrush Lesson - LADS, 363 words 6. Prescription for Pleasure - LADS, 5206 word count

October

1. Someone You Loved - LADS, 2235 words 2. Bunny Breeding - LADS, 387 words 3. Fresh Cream - LADS, 733 words 4. Halloween Makeup - LADS, 376 words 5. When The Snow Melts - LADS, 3861 words

November

1. Use Me - JJK, 1857 words 2. As You Wish Princess - JJK, 3066 words 3. Reading While Cockwarming Them - JJK, 2182 words 4. Best Friend Zayne - LADS, 312 words 5. Plus Sized Reader HC's - LADS, 2995 words 6. Hair Grooming HC's - LADS, 701 words 7. Unconventional Romp Spots - LADS, 2604 words 8. A Tight Spot - LADS, 2854 words

December

1. Pain Tolerance - LADS, 759 words 2. Just The Tip - LADS, 661 words 3. It's The Thought That Counts - LADS, 3425 words

Overall Thoughts:

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?

Definitely more than what I thought. I'm lowkey impressed that half of them make any sense as a fic.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

Love And Deepspace. I saw all the ads on TikTok but I never had any interest to play the game. That changed in July and now I think the number of LADS fics and JJK fics are almost equal.

What’s your own favorite story of the year?

I'm not even going to pretend like this is a hard answer. It's Prescription For Pleasure. I put a lot of soul into it and it looks like it paid off based on the interaction I got for it.

Did you take any writing risks this year?

For sure. I was nervous about writing such explicit smut, especially kinky smut (threesomes, DVP, male pegging, BDSM etc) as well as unconventional smut (exhibitionism and tentacles). I was worried people might judge me for the writing, especially when I posted my first fic, The Office Pet. Another one that I was really nervous about posting was the Sylus pegging fic.

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year?

I think it's to slow down and really pace out my writing. I'll admit sometimes if my inspiration is low, I'll make HC's or a drabble but going forward I think I'd rather write longer fics with more details like Prescription For Pleasure. And I'm trying really hard to evenly pace the chapters for the Breeding Clinic series.

From my past year of writing, what was…

My best story of this year:

I'd have to say As You Wish Princess. It took me some time to craft and I did research about old middle eastern culture to write it so I'm quite proud of it.

My most popular story of this year:

Prescription For Pleasure. 7.5K notes.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

When The Snow Melts. Granted, there's very little smut in it and it's angst heavy, but I feel like I put in more effort to write it than Prescription for Pleasure.

Most fun story to write:

A Tight Spot. Did some interesting research to make sure it was accurate.

Story with the single sexiest moment:

Oooh...this is hard but I'm gonna say it's Ditch The Condom. All 4 LI's experience a new level of intimacy with the reader and I think that's sexier than anything else.

Most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story:

I don't think I have a fic like that. Perhaps the Breeding Clinic kind of flirts with the border of human ethics but there's a reason this is all purely fantasy right?

Biggest disappointment:

I think it's how long I take to write my longer fics. I know some people can write such lovely prose in less than a day but for me anything more than 3k words needs planning and a minimum of two weeks.

Biggest surprise:

I think it's how much love this blog has received. I've met some incredible people and really connected with them. And of course I love hearing from everyone in my inbox, I wasn't prepared for all the love and messages of support that I've received.

Fic-writing goals for 2025:

I think I want to really chip away at my inbox requests and hold off on other ideas I have until it's cleared. I also want to write longer one-shots rather than HC's or drabbles.

#ncs #writing goals 2025 #2024 year in review #love and deepspace #jujutsu kaisen

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nightly-valkyrie · 3 months ago

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'In the Shadow of Sierpinski' post ACT-1 writer's rambles

Forgive me, I'm so brain-rotted about my own fic that I can't help but talk about it even down to the design decisions and process of writing?

Mostly to cover some influences, inspirations, reasonings, and concepts I wanted to carry on into the narrative as it developed from early drafts into what was posted in the fic. Most spoilers for the fic and the game will be kept to below the cut:

Influences & Inspirations :)

>So of course a big influence on the fic was Signalis itself, I could talk on and on about what I did and didn't want to expand on for the purpose of the fic. However, for the sake of brevity I will be kinda short for this part at least. The melding of technology to this point of advancement well beyond what humanity is capable of today, and yet seemingly also stuck in the past is such an appealing look. An almost 'Alien' movie approach that really makes it stick out. That was a feeling I wanted to capture, not just because of a desire to stay faithful to the source material, but also because of my own affections for the cyberpunk genre which 'Signalis' also seems to share a love for. I will get into this later though. One of the biggest tones I wanted to carry over was this glazing over of some of the more dystopian aspects the game carries, Rose Engine leaves a lot of hints toward the state of the in game governments, its beliefs, and its inspirations (East Germany etc...). What they don't do though is ever quite dwell on a lot of the implications the notes and dialogues carry. It was, that, which I wanted to emulate. I tried to make clear in the text many things, but leave what exactly that implication is up to the reader to determine. I hesitate to mention these moments because I really do feel like they're better noticed on your own.

>Another really big inspiration this fic had, and I'll keep this next one shorter, is the cyberpunk genre. The idea of human robots, retro-futuristic technology, and even gifted individuals with telepathic powers all feel pulled straight from the cyberpunk genre and media related to it. And that is just things shown in game (I am also aware of the game's anime inspirations 'Evangelion' and 'Blame' but as far as I'm aware those do have some cyberpunk dna in them as well, i just have much knowledge in the realm of anime). For this fic, I really felt compelled to include the influences of these stories to write this fic. 'Blade Runner 2049' especially had some influence over concepts like Replika identification being linked to the eye/optic.

This detail along with some of the tone is a just small parts that show how it was an overall inspiration. The tone especially in some of the general treatment/attitude toward Replikas by those in power will also give that sense.

>The second to last inspiration I really wanted to mention here was 'Alan Wake 2' and whether or not that is a surprise may depend on your personal familiarity with the game/series. This inspiration is a smaller one but in some of the more dream like confusing parts of the story, the way the wording is meant to loop and double back in a way that feels almost poetic was a huge part. Warning for an early 'Alan Wake 2' spoiler (Intended reading for manuscript page written in alt):

Another inspiration that may become clearer later is the general dealing of how a dreamlike perception over reality. Images like this one from the early game live rent free in my head and help me think about how to describe certain abstract things:

Remedy's general handling of this form of weirdness in a visual medium truly is pretty genius and the work of reinterpreting it into writing has been and will continue to be very enjoyable as i expand more on it in the future.

>Final inspiration I very quickly wanted to touch on is 'The King in Yellow' another fairly obvious one, I have an excerpt in the prologue, it appears in the story and in 'Signalis'. The game especially has a lot of references to it. Ahead of really starting writing I read most of the way through the collection of stories, and finished it while I was writing the first couple chapters. I knew from the start I wanted to really lean into some of the general themes of the anthology and though not obvious as if the end of ACT-1, I will continue to. I highly recommend reading it if only to get a greater understanding of some of the ways 'Signalis' references it. I really feel like it puts a lot in perspective. 'The Demoiselle d'Ys' especially, the latter half of that story really gave me a sense of the love and devotion that is put on display in game.

Okay because describing my decisions behind certain concepts and reasonings requires me to go more in detail I'm putting it below the cut because it carries a bit more spoiler-potential than mere inspiration talk. So if you haven't read the fic please go enjoy it here, beware heavy 'Signalis' spoilers though.

Concepts & Reasonings (Beware Spoilers)

>One of the main things I set out from the start to include in the fic was a lot of the 'weird' things that happen in the game. Moments like when you open the butterfly box and suddenly you're on a mountain top, or when you leave the Penrose for the first time at the beginning of the game. This moment, as well as whenever you first encounter a corrupted Kolibri unit always stuck with me as some of the most memorable moments off the game. That's why I wanted to go out of my way to include them, or moments like them. The first was in the second chapter where Falke uses her bioresonance to infiltrate Tempo's mind and is mentally assaulted in a moment where the narrative intentionally twists and loops over itself which ends with this image:

The image is one of the 'Isle of the dead' paintings overlaid with a German translation of an excerpt from the beginning of the 'King in Yellow'. If you want to read you can refer to this post which has the entire excerpt in full in English. This image was one I made in Krita by of course editing the original and mostly adding details to it to fulfill the vibe that is given when you walk into a room with a corrupted Kolibri and it starts getting bad and you can barely see anything, etc... When it came down to actually including it in the text I was a little on the fence, I for one think that images used sparing enough can really emphasize a moment. Much like some of my other decisions, I know it won't work for everyone, but given the intentionally jarring nature I do feel it fits.

>As for how I went about including the vibe of those first person sequences, I wanted it to feel just as alien and initially sudden as the game handled it. This was done by the use of second person, present tense. As I think was beautifully pointed out in a comment on AO3 by @lopadopalis

The intent was exactly that. To contrast not just in perspective but also subtly in tense as well. To give this almost dreamlike quality I think the first-person sections of the game nailed so well. It's enough that if you glaze past it, you won't pick up on it but it may still leave you that off feeling. That in mind using second-person present tense is likely going to be my way of handling these types of moments going forward, as for the same reason as the image in the text, it gives that slight jarring feeling that is exactly what I'm going for. Hidden in here though is a kind of secret influence I didn't mention before and that is 'Harrow the Ninth'.

While its not so much an influence in terms of content, it is an influence in terms of feeling. This books is in my mind the gold standard of second-person narrative, and it's done so well that no other book was able to make me feel as insane as the first few chapters of this book did. And I say that as a compliment. Go read it (after you read the first book in the series ofc).

>Another thing that was mentioned in the comment from Lopadopalis was the death of the Sierpinski survivors. And that is something I do on some level feel the need to explain. In deciding to kill these characters even as most of them are not shown, I felt a great need to do it well. From the start, I knew I wanted to have them decommissioned, and a big part of that was to really show Dr. Lee's true colors even after they made it clear what stance they hold in regards to Replika life. It was startling to have characters that-were they shown in detail-would have been recognizable to anyone who had played the game, and many did seem to recognize the Ara as she appeared. What worried me was that I would accidentally sweep past it too fast. And I hope that isn't the case. Even if mostly referred to as opposed to shown, it carries some impact and does on some level respect them as legacy characters.

>I feel like I keep giving tanks a million times but I really can't stress how much I appreciate @lynxfrost13 for not just allowing me, but also helping me in including the HOPR who I don't know how to link perfectly so I am linking a lore post that was made: here. Please check it out, and also follow Lynx, genuinely without them I'm not sure I would have made my personal deadline. More generally about the HOPR reference around the middle of Chapter 5; I knew I wanted to include other original Replikas as the ones shown in the game aren't the only ones to exist. However, I'm lazy and didn't want to keep coming up with a ton of Replikas that would end up under-cooked because I couldn't give them each the time they deserved. So I made a post and that's when Lynx reached out and we coordinated a way to include the HOPR as a part of the story not just as a character who will be seen more later, but a part of the lore, connections to existing characters and all. I was (and honestly still am) honored to have have been trusted to write with this unit as a part of my story and I'm so glad Lynx had been available to answer any questions and to check over anything and everything to make sure I'm doing their creation justice. ALSO, that need for original Replikas is still ongoing by the way, if you have one and think it may be cool to have it included, send me a DM or ask! I'd love to try and come up with something, the only one that would probably not work is a Schwan Replika, as the Schwan is the one I've planned for the story (if you did do the same as me though still tell me about it! I'd love to hear about your original Replika types!).

>As one of the last things I very briefly wanted to touch on the relationship as it is portrayed in the fic. One of the things that really pushed me past the 'wouldn't that be neat?' stage of planning this fic and into the 'oh shit it's happening' was the kind of lack of very many Falke/Elster/Ariane fics out there. It was my want to see more that partially caused me to start writing. Many other reasons too, but godddd I have to mention that one. Those 3 make me so ill. It was also partially out of wanting to make a work that will get a lot of eyes on it that kinda presents my interpretation of the Sierpinski S23 Falke having Ariane's memories in addition to Elster's. And thus loves Elster as she does Ariane. It just seems like a thing that isn't necessarily a deep-cut theory, but one that is also at least in my opinion not talked about as much as it should be. Though I do feel like it's picked up a lot of traction very recently. I did write a post on this, most that are willing to read this far into this post have probably already read it but I am gonna link it here anyway.

>Okay, this last part is maybe the most interesting section for the purpose of understanding the general scope of ACT-1 and what changes were made in writing that made it what it is now. To anyone who followed me prior to the publishing of ACT-1, maybe even around when I first started talking about the fic, they may know the intent was for this first part of the story to be much bigger, or maybe a better way to say it is more condensed. ACT-1 was meant to encompass nearly all the time the story spent in the Sierpinski facility. The starting intent was to end with the finalization of the new Replika line teased at the end of Chapter 5, and also in the summary. Overall, things would have been pushed together and likely less time given to characters like Dr. Lee to grow into what they eventually became. The decision to change this scope actually came much later prior to posting than is maybe expected. It was around 2 weeks prior to the 27th, I decided (helped along in the decision by my girlfriend) to make the first ACT what it is now, and expand what was initially 3 chapters into a whole 4 then but now 5. This decision was made not just due to the anniversary growing closer and my concern about missing it, but also because I kept wanting to add more. Chapters began to balloon in length as they became closer to what they now are. It hit a point that, eventually, I had to look at what I had and admit it had far outgrown the initial scope. Deciding then it worked better as the new ACT-1 than all of the time in Sierpinski together. Looking back having posted it, I stand by this decision. This allowed Dr. Lee to bloom into a the character they are now and make the reveal that was their change in demeanor better overall. It also allowed me to expand on some of the aforementioned weirdness moments, the entire section with the Falke looking into Tempo's mind in Carcosa was only a few sentences in that first draft. Lastly it also allowed the build up to where Falke ends up this first draft to feel much better telegraphed and overall better earned; her situation is more believable when more is shown and what that extra space allowed me to set up makes for better moments in the future too!

AND THAT'S THE POST! It's a fuckin big one, but then again there was a lot to talk about. Hopefully this really shows that I mean when I say how much love went into this fic, and how much continues to as it goes on. From fanart (some that's even yet to be released), to incorporating my own enjoyments and personal writing inspirations, even just making the hard decisions so what I make is something I'm proud of. If you read the fic, thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. And if you read all the way through this monster of a post, then I really appreciate your dedication to my brain-rot.

#signalis #in the shadow of sierpinski #my writing #writing #nightly speaks #ariane yeong #falke signalis #falke posting #BIG ASS POST #elster signalis #lstr 512 #if u read the whole thing thank you so much i owe you my life

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aluminescent · 26 days ago

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Happy Christmas🌟 Not to bring you any stress about the second book... but I'm still on the edge of my seat after reading the first one🤭 So if the second book is still something you're planning on doing take your time✨ Aand if you happen to have some updates on it I would be so curious to hear?😅💛

Hey there, and not to worry, you're not a bother at all! I'm always so amazed that people are still interested in this story 😭. I'm definitely still writing, but it's taking far longer than I anticipated for this next installment. I've also been experiencing some ongoing life-altering issues these past few months that are getting in the way of my writing consistently (but bonus, some of these problems are assisting me with a couple plot points in my fic so . . . let's go, I guess). Trying to see the the silver lining with these, though, and trying to keep a positive attitude. Timing wise, I cannot make any concrete promises as to when I might start posting.

I'd be happy to share a couple of updates, though (under a read more, because, as always, I'm long-winded):

I think I've finally landed a new title for this next installment.

I'm aiming for 3 arcs again for this book, just like Blackout.

I have one (1) chapter fully completed. It continues to go through multiple rounds of editing, and small details may further be edited down the road as more of Book Two is rounded out. But when a lovely beta (bless her soul) read through it a couple of months ago, it was around 12.5k at its completion. With the most current changes, it's now nearly 20k and barely looks the same as when she'd looked it over, but it's much closer to its final draft than it was a couple of months ago. Unfortunately, I'm unsure if I want to post it within this next book, as a one-shot, or even post it at all. As it's currently written, its best position within this next book would be 1) as an 'interlude' that prefaces the second arc; 2) quite possibly as the prologue, which then might deter people from reading the rest of the book because of the chapter's content; or 3) as a standalone before Book 2 is even posted. Again, it might not show up at all. I'll only know when the overall installment is nearing its close and I'm better able to gauge the overall mood.

While there's still a lot to be written, there are multiple plot points and scenes written out, but where they fit around each other is still a huge unknown. The reason for this is:

I'm still going between this being a final sequel or if there might be a third book. If there is, both books will be written for simultaneously for most part (I think, aha). Some parts of this has a life of its own that's only revealed as I write.

I'm trying to create a more complete universe for the various subplots I explored in Book 1, especially regarding the Reid household (Spencer, Diana, and William equally), and regarding Maeve. I know that neither William nor Maeve is everyone's cup of tea, but I'm actually enjoying rounding them out more and giving them more substance than the meager bits we got from the show. Either way, this means that I'm weaving a lot into the past. Believe it or not, digging into both of these characters will be necessary for the healing portions of this overall story.

While there's a lot of healing to be had in this installment, I can't turn away from the hurt and some psychological warfare; helps me sleep at night and keeps my pores clear just as equally as the comfort, you know. We did leave of with the looming threat of The Replicator, yes, but there's a lot of untapped footage that reveals what happened with our poor victims (ahem, Spencer) when they were so drugged to the point of absolute unconsciousness.

I hope these sort of whet your appetite if at all!

#illuminate series #illuminate:anons

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arleniansdoodles · 9 months ago

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(Warning this is super long I'm so sorry) Absolutely mcfreaking reeling from that charged backfist of a chapter. I have no words. Yang what. What is wrong with you. He really slaughtered five schools' worth of students and masters, killed his adoptive father, orchestrated the murder of his little sister, secretly went back and raised said little sister from the dead, decided to let her wake up ALONE IN A POOL OF HER OWN BLOOD SURROUNDED BY THE BODIES OF HER FAMILY, left her to fend for herself at the ripe age of 11, and then fucked off to the mountains to be a super-doctor. BROTHER. Like yes Yang, it was really cold of Sifu to not let you save your family with the talisman, and your feelings of heartbreak and betrayal are absolutely valid (I would even excuse the attempted theft of the talisman honestly, he was just trying to save them!) especially when he saw you as a son, BUT HOLY SHIT YOUR RESPONSE WAS TO BECOME A MASS-MURDERER! Yin and all those disciples didn't know anything about the talismans, you could have just killed the masters in a slightly less public way and have been basically fine! Jinfeng literally has Infinite Money Glitch: The Talisman, you guys can pay off anyone! I'm so flabbergasted at Yang I can't even express it fully. How do we come back from this bro 😭 I know Fajar actually did kill Yin and now they're besties, but Yang literally left her in a wuguan full of bodies!!!! She could've died or gone insane and Yang just allowed it! How tf was she supposed to turn away from vengeance when that's literally all you left her with! And the fact that she managed to do that anyway and you're just???? Punishing her for it in every way besides physically attacking her????

You know what? I'm gonna go fight Yang a bunch until I get an achievement or something, he deserves it!

Hehehehehehhh XDDD This was me while reading through your message lmaooo:

That said, I think you're probably the first person I've seen who's gotten this angry at Yang (aside from a few other characters in the fic)! 😂 Game-wise, him reviving Yin in the prologue made the most sense to me out of all the other theories (not that there are a lot imo), and it also works with the implications of the post-credits scene, so I was more than ready to add it to the fic with maximum angst! XDD

Of course, this all means Yang is an even bigger douche than before 😅 There were a million other ways he could've gone about stealing the talismans without ruining Yin's life, but ah well, I had to stick to that part of canon for this fic 😂 I personally think he didn't have this mindset eight years ago; like, how much of his current thinking is actually him and how much is part of the talisman's influence? But even then, it was still a horrible move to make, especially where Yin was concerned (hence why I came up with the Dawn!AU where she lives! hehe). And his entire arc overall was one of my struggling points while writing, because how DO you come back from this? How do you have the happy ending with all the fluffy rainbow and unicorn feels?? Would a happy ending for this even be happy for Yin and Yang's relationship after all he's done to her? So that was quite interesting and tricky to work with XDD

All in all, I'm happy you enjoyed this chapter!! Though I'm sorry it got you worked up loll 😅 Hopefully beating Yang to a pulp helps! 😁 And no worries at all about the long messages; I really appreciate you taking the time to write all this!! Thanks again! 💗💗

#asks #apangolinscribbling #sifu #sifu game #fanfiction #my fanfiction

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saficswrites · 1 year ago

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New part new post baby! We have officially reached ten chapters, finally leaving the prologue as we work towards part one of Radiant Dawn.

This story is long, especially by my standards, it's currently like five times the length of “Her Summoner” at over 36,000 words.

There are a lot of warnings, I’ll have the major trigger warnings below the linebreak alongside the link but if you want more details on what warnings apply to what chapter please check out the previous post I made for this fic to see those details.

(https://www.tumblr.com/saficswrites/740178733734019072/the-prologue-is-done-we-did-it-chapter-8-is?source=share)

I’m so proud of myself and Red for getting this far and so thankful that people seem to be enjoying this, its been a wild ride and I’m really excited to keep working on this project.

With that I really hope you enjoy!

Love you all ❤️

Major content warnings are: Pretty extreme violence and gore sometimes to the point of outright body horror, references to rape and sexual assault and the trauma of characters victim to it (only ever in the very first chapter thus far), suicidal thoughts depression and at one point nonlethal self harm, and a scene exploring a characters fractured mental state and insanity that’s incredibly uncomfortable to read and will likely be triggering to some.

Please check the tags as well and if anything seems like its too much then don't take the risk of reading it, this is a really dark story overall and the prologue especially is just a tragedy outright. I completely understand if it’s too much for some people.

I do my best to properly put warnings on my fics to minimize the risk of hurting anyone with my writing, but I do make mistakes sometimes. If you notice anything in the first 10 chapters that should be on the trigger warning list that I missed please let me know and I’ll update accordingly.

#fire emblem fanfiction #ao3 link #fanfic #wlw fanfic #ao3 writer #writing #fire emblem #petrine fire emblem #micaiah #tellius #fire emblem path of radiance #fire emblem radiant dawn

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4e7her · 7 months ago

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also i am working on that compilation thing and i think the reason i don't care so much for some of these fics so more is the fact that the mcs feel more like someone that things 'happen to' then someone who is guiding the story

this works well for like. fcubed for example where the mc just crash-landed on an alien planet. but for a stardew fic like vapor it really doesn't make sense. like avele moved to a farm. the story is in his perspective. somehow the start still makes it feel like he doesn't have a choice over any of these things and that he's being dragged along in contrast to wyn in something in the water where the prologue i set up for it gives you much more insight and just feels better overall

also i think i've developed my writing style a lot over the last few years which makes older fics feel just a bit skewed

i do really like how i wrote the yandere perspectives in vapor - i think they come across very well and were definitely a key point in developing my writing further. like i think i'd separate my writing in stages. rambling below the cut

there's my two discontinued obey me fics - that was me getting back into writing. they were fun and cute and self-indulgent and i liked writing them but i probably wouldn't write something in a similar style again

then there's miss me which is kind of a jumping off point for me style-wise, which i burned myself off on by focusing on drawing for the mc for, but lead to little panther and vapor. i put those two in the same category because that's where i introduce yandere characters and think i grew while i was writing (especially as i started tumblr around the same time) and wrote way too long oc sheets for. like. i think they were around at least 5k words each? it was. a time.

and then i focused on drabbles for a while, but after that came fcubed. and fcubed gets a category all on it's own

i started it when i had a great big Health Event that changed. a lot of how i look at the world and how i am physically able to interact with it. i won't get into details but functionally between the Health Issue and the Coming to Terms i was out of it for like. honestly probably more than a year. i decided my major wasn't for me and dropped college and moved pretty far shortly after that and a lot of life then was detaching myself so i wouldn't have to Come to Terms

fcubed was actually, a good portion of it, written in a haze of being bedbound after said Health Event. i think around the first ten chapters? were written in like two - three weeks after but before i realized that there would be lasting issues from the Health Event. however much i posted of it before i took like a year long break on it.

and the thing with fcubed is that it expanded my horizons a lot with writing. you'll notice if you've read some of these older fics that they were a lot more guided by the source material - i was too scared to stray very much from in game scenes, though i had tried my hand at it in vapor. with the source material for fcubed being subnautica, it was. a lot like literally throwing myself in the deep end. the source material is literally an open ocean. i had to make the scenes myself, besides a few key events and some audio from like logs the player recovers

after that like month or so of fcubed i more or less dropped off the face of the earth for like, six months, i think. towards the end of that time is when we moved and i think that's when i started checking tumblr again. i had been working on fics in that time, but i hadn't posted anything - i try not to post fics unless i have at least three chapters done to make sure they're Established because i have ideas i don't go through with pretty often. i have a few sitting in my drafts that are just like one chapter stories - looking at you genshin impact, dca, and our life fics

i posted something in the water and i think that was very... cathartic for me? the prologue was about leaving and just getting away and being unbound. and i liked that a lot. you'll see that as a theme in my stories honestly

then there was rip and tear and embracing what's around you - i'd say that those are in the same category as something in the water. they're both shorter at the moment, though they do both have almost-done chapters in the drafts. these two actually aren't yandere fics - everything else above this besides miss me, the obey me fics, and fcubed (though that one has some yandere undertones) are. i'm not actually entirely positive why rip and tear isn't? i think i was planning to go with undertones again but not full yandere, but i know what's around you isn't because that one's more lighthearted. it is ohshc after all

and then, around the start of this year, i started vault. and i really, really like vault conceptually. like. i love borderlands so much and i've always wanted to see more fics for it but somehow never thought to write for it

plus i could literally just play borderlands and call it research. i have almost a full chapter in the drafts for that one too - i need to get back to working on it, i just got distracted by a drop of silver in a sky of stars. i think my current writing style, which i'm really happy with, shows in these two the most. you can definitely tell a difference compared to my earlier fics

both of these two are probably my current focuses, though that might change after i finish going through all my fics. the intro i have written for fawn response is just so good it is Tempting Me

none of this mentions any work i've done on unposted fics (again, all less than three chapters), but trust me there are. many. too many. an exorbitant amount. i'll get around to them eventually

#i talked way too long. this is more for me to look back on than anything else but here hello some behind the author stuff #i should probably make a big thing of all my fic concepts sometime #idk i like having these things but i don't want to be annoying with them #going to update a drop of silver tmrw morning before work woo

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rubberduckyrye · 11 months ago

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Okay so it's been a hot minute since I read your fics(I should reread them soon) but the fics/parts that stick out to me is.

That part in the chapter 5 fic where Kaito saves Kokichi, where Kaito gives Kokichi the makeshift antidote and he almost dies.

That soulmate chapter 5 fic with the kiss and color.

The introductions in twins au(specifically Mui and Gonta's), and the part where Monokuma starts beating up the kubs and Kokichi comforts Kurochi.

That part where the warriors of hope tend to Kokichi's wound.

That Kokichi Kurochi hotel fic where Kokichi reveals that secret.

Oh and the part in your wanderer fic when he sees his memories, specifically that scene where he starts panicking due to seeing how a certain doctor treated him.

(this is just off the top of my head/the first ones I thought of)

In relation to this post!

RWBY I SAID ONE FIC, NOT 6--

fmdknjkngjfngkd

I'm so happy that you like so many of my fics--and especially my Genshin fics, since you don't play Genshin :'D Honestly I'm sorely tempted to make a full LP of Genshin and like 50% of my inspiration is so you can watch it and get the lore tbh--

Okay, let's go through them one by one!

How to Stay Behind the Doors of Life - One of the first RPs turned into fanfic, I cannot talk about this without giving @aroseandapen credit here too! While I did ficify it, my favorite part of it was actually roleplaying it. Writing with L is extremely fun, 10/10 I highly recommend

Our Colorless World - This fic!!! I sometimes come back to this fic, and I just. Oof. This fic was fun to write because it's one of the few times where I technically wrote a tragic ending instead of a happy one. Fun fact: If I ever write a tragic ending, I always imagine an AU extension of the ending where the fic continues and it's revealed that everyone's alive and they get a chance to heal from the Trauma. In this fic's case, it's a VRAU and Kaito has to win over Kokichi after realizing their soulmates. ANYWAY. My favorite part to write for this fic was probably Kokichi's story about the boy under the yellow slide up until the end. Just, so much oof that Kokichi knew his own soulmate hated his guts and thought he was the worst person in existence...... and still hoping (but not expecting) a second kiss from the person he was bound to. There's a lot of tragedy in this fic hhhhhh

Danganronpa V3R: Graduation - Twins AU, Twins AU! I knew this one would come up, hueueueue. Twins AU has a special place in my heart and forever will, and I really aim to one day complete and post the fic in full. While Twins AU had a lot of RPing done with L, I actually think my favorite part to write (and subsequently, to reread) was the introduction of the fic itself. I tend to go hard with surreal imagery and I think that it's one of my strong suits in writing--so of course to this day the introduction of Twins AU is such fire that I can barely hold it without burning myself from how much I love it. I'm currently editing Twins AU's prologue and what little I had done for chapter 1, so hopefully the scene is even better now!

A Change of Fate - Hey, this is the commission you got from me! I had a feeling you might bring this one up too~ Writing this fic was overall a very interesting change of pace as I was HEAVILY in the Genshin Fixation at the time--I think I ended up putting this fic on hold for a long time in favor of "Chasing the Voided Moon" actually (I'm still sorry for that, the fixation wheel refused to free me--) and tbh it did remind me that I love the Twins so very much. I think my favorite part to write was when Junko appeared--there's something very cathartic about writing a really chaotic evil character, not gonna lie. But I also liked how Kokichi was acting during that confrontation--it was overall a great interaction.

Can you really call this a Hotel, there weren't even Mints on the Pillows - To this date this fic has the LONGEST name, and I love that for it. The chapter you're talking about was really fun to RP and ficify, too! Kokichi finally revealing that he saw Kurochi's half-written suicide note is oof. However, I think that the Korekiyo chapter deserves some credit too, since it does change the context of the LSE to one of BDSM and consent than... whatever the fuck canon was trying to do LMAO. Still, this is ALSO a fic I plan on continuing for Twins AU! I even think I know which character will appear in the next chapter >:3

Chasing the Voided Moon - The fact that you've read this fic and enjoyed it even without knowing much context for Genshin is a thing I take GREAT pride in. Though it's actually interesting that you chose that scene in particular, since the favorite scenes of that fic are often chapter 12 and chapter 16. Yet I think you're right in that there is a haunting, disgusting revelation in that chapter that is never spoken, but doesn't need to be spoken. The fact that it is canon that Wanderer's body was mutilated to the point where the big robot he was put in was his life support and his initial reaction to the idea being "Yeah that sounds about the same as what Dottore's done to me before" is. Honestly the fact that Scaramouche theorists on YT miss the severe torture/abuse implications of that scene in canon alone is staggering. It's definitely not a top favorite of the fanfic, but it really does highlight that Scaramouche didn't just suffer three really bad instances of trauma and nothing else happened to him--he endured so much off screen that was so heavily implied, and who knows how much for how long. Anyway murder maim kill Dottore. Though as for my favorite par to write... I'm sorry to say, it is chapter 16 :'D I went hard on that chapter and I'm very proud of it. Chapter 12 too, but I prefer catharsis over pure angst tbh.

#genshin impact #danganronpa v3 #the wanderer #kokichi ouma #kokichi oma #Scaramouche #Kurochi Ouma #Kaito Momota #Yuuto Wrenn #Fun fact #Yuuto Wrenn is the tag I used for wanderer on my blog but #I actually named him Wrenn and will call him Wrenn in future projects of my own #(not including commissions from a certain Star)#and that is because the name Yuuto is STAR'S Wanderer #and CTVM was written with him in mind

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vellaphoria · 9 months ago

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Tag Game!

Thanks for the tag @waffleinator-inator! <3

Favorite color: probably burgundy, overall. But it depends what it’s for? Like, most of my clothes are black, but I only ever buy dark blue bedsheets.

Last song I listened to: Are You Satisfied? By MARINA (tho it was Marina and the Diamonds, at the time) Am I channeling my high school tryhard era to help me finish my dissertation proposal? maybe lol.

Last movie I watched: … you know, I’m not sure. I’m not really a movie person usually, and I haven’t had much free time lately. The last one I can remember was rewatching Crimson Peak to get inspiration for the right vibes for a fic .

Currently watching: same issue as the last one lol. But the last series I watched in full was The Fall of the House of Usher (the 2023 Netflix series). I really liked it! It’s uhhhh probably not for everyone. But if you like horror, modern adaptations, and social commentary, it’s a good time. I didn’t think it was that scary per se, especially compared to some of Mike Flanagan’s other horror series, but I did think it was very well done.

Currently reading: The joke answer is the 150+ research articles I cite in my dis proposal lol. But the last thing I read for run was Godkiller by Hannah Kaner. I enjoyed it, though I heard reviews were mixed. Which I get; the prologue and first chapter were really good at establishing the setting, but the next few chapters were a little slow. The latter half of the book was hard to put down though. I think I read that part in one day? Plus I have a great love of worldbuilding, so I appreciate a book that takes an interesting approach to it.

Sweet, savory, or spicy: yes? Depends what kind of mood I’m in and what I’m eating.

Current craving: for reasons I don’t entirely understand, flaming hot fritos.

Coffee or tea: I vastly prefer tea! Though I’ll drink coffee when I need to stay awake. By the time I’m done adding things to it, it barely resembles coffee anymore lol tho.

Relationship status: The last time I was asked one of these, I put "busy" and it's still true, so. still busy lol

Current obsession: I’m going to four different academic conferences this year (one down, three to go!), so too keep things interesting, my goal is to go to as many different aquariums as I can lol. No pressure tags: @gerryrigged, @deepwithintheabyss, @marirah, @themandylion, and @lionsaint (though I'm pretty sure you've done one of these recently lol) Also stealth tagging my beta reader <3

#jagn answers #tag games

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saintsir4n · 1 year ago

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CAST LIST:

EDEN DAWKINS

𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝘆 𝗱𝗼𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝗱𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗿𝗶𝗱𝗴𝗲

introducing...

esther anderson as 𝗰𝗲𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗱𝗮𝘄𝗸𝗶𝗻𝘀

sidney poitier as 𝗰𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗹 𝗱𝗮𝘄𝗸𝗶𝗻𝘀

lena horne as 𝗱𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗻

walter chiari as 𝗹𝗼𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘇𝗼 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗿𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗮

gina lollobrigida as 𝗴𝗿𝗲𝘁𝗮 𝗷𝘂𝗿𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗶

(rest of the peaky blinders cast as their respected roles.)

warnings: swearing, anxiety, racism, classism, sexism, misogyny, smut, violence, substance abuse, blood, trauma, death

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

a/n:

before anyone asks, there will be two separate acts for this book but each will only be around ten chapters and will be average length.

this story will contain eden's relationship with tommy and all the angst surrounding that, his jealousy, lack of communication skills and overall tommy shelbyness. you will also see eden and her various friendships and even past relationships that cause more drama for her in the future. as it is set only a few months before the great war, not all canon characters will be included, especially characters like may, grace or alfie. just making that clear because I don't want people complaining that they aren't included despite me explicitly stating that and the story description says it also. however there will be mentions or foreshadowing of people like michael grey as it is part of polly's character and she does have a close relationship with my OC, however, he will not be seen.

updates will be normal for each part until they are finished and then I will take breaks to sort out the future of the story.

in this story, (after the prologue) the ages will be loosely mentioned so if you forget just asked. finn and isaiah will be five, ada around fifteen, john is twenty (like eden), tommy is twenty-two and arthur jr is twenty-five/six.

the lack of OCs of colour especially for peaky blinders books stresses me out and leaves me only to read the same ones with the same face claims over and over again. I have mentioned a few on my conversations wall or even recommended my favourite ones in my reading list however I just grew tired and wanted to write my own tommy book and strictly wanted to stick as close to his character as possible, especially with how he was before the war. Since many people claimed how different he was, I'm going to do my best to show how I imagine him Pre-war.

there will not be any cheating in this fic as i believe angst can be created around his character without it. plus I wouldn't allow eden to stay with him if that was the case. (however, characters like john are known to cheat so of course that will be implied)

just to reiterate, this story will be taking place a couple of months before ww1, so obviously there will be a mention of most of these issues.

follow my tik tok guys (post edits about my stories) @saintsiren.wp and wattpad @-saintsiren

hope you enjoy.

#wattpad #fanfic #black girl #black reader #edendawkins #Tommyshelbyxblackreader #tommyshelby story

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launenji · 2 years ago

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Center of Your Universe - A KNJ Fanfic | Ch 4

Pairing: idol!Kim Namjoon x female idol!Reader

Status: Ongoing

Word Count: 11625

Genre: Rivals2Lovers. Fluff. Eventual implied smut and angst. Slow burn. idol!AU

Summary: It’s 2019 and Kim Namjoon is conquering the globe with his Bangtan brothers by his side. However, BTS can’t seem to shake their top girl group rival from chasing their names across music charts and award nominations worldwide. Now, the boys have no problem with that in any way; in fact they’ve come to respect the girls of HELIOS and their never ending climb to fame that seemed to match their own success. The only real “problem” Namjoon sees is that HELIOS’ confident, fearless, and overall badass of a leader seems to absolutely hate him. And as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, it does keep him awake at night.

T/W: Depictions of panic attacks

A/N: I’m not dead, I promise! I had this chapter in my drafts for three years because I literally didn’t know how to write the rest of it. But I did it! I finally got around to finishing it, so no this fic isn’t dead and I’m not abandoning it! It’s just been hard to write and life has been getting in the way. There’s plenty of mistakes in this chapter alone, but I’ll try to get around to fixing them, so please enjoy anyway!

Tagged: @jinjccns @craftymoonchaos @thia-aep @arminwluv Prologue | Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 |

Sometimes Namjoon forgets that the beginning of every tour is always the busiest. From the minute they touch down and get off the plane, it's a non stop hustle from there; especially for the first performance.

To be honest, Namjoon can’t remember the last time he had a good night’s rest since he left Korea. His days have been filled to the brim with meetings and rehearsals to ensure the success of their first show; leaving him exhausted and drained by the time he hit his hotel bed, only to wake up a few hours later to do it all over again.

Nonetheless, BTS managed to kick off their Speak Yourself tour with an incredible start with their LA show, putting everyone’s minds, nerves, and worries at ease as they continued to prep for the rest of the tour.

By the time they reached their short stop in Northern California, Namjoon was close to feeling completely at ease as he and the boys settled into the routine of touring.

Although he couldn’t help but notice that his attitude towards this world tour was a bit different than the others in the past. He felt as if the weight on his shoulder had been slightly lifted thanks to a certain someone he hadn’t stopped texting since he received her number.

Yerin had been nothing but a breath of fresh air in Namjoon's hectic lifestyle. Sure, he had his family, his close friends, and the boys to talk to when things grew stressful. But with Yerin, it seemed she always knew what to say, and it never failed to put his mind at ease.

As Namjoon walks down the hallway to reach Yoongi’s hotel room, another ping vibrates his phone. He swiftly pulls out his phone to view the message with a goofy grin stretching across his face. Another inside joke from Yerin evokes a frenzied response of laugh-crying emojis before slipping his phone back into his pocket as he reaches the door. He carefully composes himself with a deep breath before stretching out a hand to knock.

So Namjoon may or may not have decided to keep Yerin a secret from literally everyone else, only as a precaution until he has free time to reflect on his new “friendship” with her. Between the meaningful advice and clever jokes that were arguably better than Jin’s—don’t let him know that—Namjoon may or may not have “slid in the DMs” with some flirty comments as well. Not that he assumed it would get him anywhere, but it started feeling nice when Yerin began to reciprocate. However, he’s still unsure of where this may go and is definitely too busy to figure it out now, so keeping it his own little secret was the option he finally decided on.

That, and he’d rather not face the relentless childish teasing from his group mates about a “secret crush.”

Through the door, Namjoon can hear the sound of the tv coupled with the faint chatter of the boys before he raps on the door again. The door finally opens with a small crack as Jimin peeks out from behind.

“What’s the password?” He questions with a smile.

Namjoon deadpans, too tired to entertain stupid jokes “Jimin, let me in.”

“Actually the password is Jimin, you’re the greatest man on earth,’ but you got half of it right so I’ll let it slide.”

Jimin snickers as he swings the door wide, allowing his leader to step through.

Inside, the boys have already made themselves comfortable on top of the two beds that occupy Yoongi’s room. One bed is taken by Jungkook, Hoseok and Jin while the other holds Taehyung and an exhausted Yoongi who is already completely tucked into bed and attempting to fall asleep. Various bags of snacks are stuffed in between each member as they chat over the TV running through the advertisements.

“Grab a chip bag and pick a spot, but don’t be too loud or the old man will complain,” Jimin follows Namjoon in before hopping in between Taehyung and Yoongi to reclaim his spot. From underneath the covers Yoongi groans in protest, which ultimately goes ignored.

Not wanting to aggravate his sleep deprived hyung any more than the others already have, Namjoon decides to take the empty corner of the other bed. Grabbing an unopened bag of Lays, he makes himself comfortable on the crowded bed, but not before checking his phone one last time for messages.

I’ll let you rest for tonight, I know it’s late for you. Talk to you tomorrow <3 [9:15 PM]

Carefully aware of the presence around him, Namjoon keeps his reactions inconspicuous as he bids his goodnight to Yerin before switching his phone on silent.

“So what are you guys watching?” He finally inquires with his bedmates.

“HELIOS’ first interview of their tour. They just got to LA two days ago.” Hoseok answers, confirming with an article open on his phone of your group’s arrival to the States. Namjoon does nothing but stare at Hoseok’s phone, the papp shot of you and your groupmates walking through LAX glares back at him.

This was the first time your name has entered his space since he left for tour; and truth be told, Namjoon doesn’t really know how to react to the mention of your name anymore. He hasn’t seen you since that party, and between schedules and talking to Yerin, he hasn’t allowed himself to really think about you at all.

Remembering how he was shortly obsessed with you and wondering why you hated him so much, Namjoon can’t help but inwardly chuckle over how stupid he was acting and how fast he managed to get over you by getting on with his life. In the end, everyone who told him was right all along.

Suddenly, the channel switches back to the main program, the host of the talk show introducing the viewers to their next guests finally pulls Namjoon’s attention away from the phone screen.

“-please welcome, HELIOS!”

From behind the stage, you and the girls walk out and wave to everyone in the crowd, especially the ones they’ve extended to seat onto the floor as they cheer and scream.

It takes a minute for Namjoon to process seeing your face again. Albeit through the screen and not in person, this is the first time in a month that he gets to see you again. Your presence is still radiant as ever, donning your signature show stopping grin as you stand with your group, dressed in your matching performance outfits.

You finally take your seats as the host greets you and allows you to make your formal introductions. You lead your group into introducing HELIOS’ before you all introduce yourselves one by one. The boys around him giggle and compare the similarities of how HALOS cheered wildly for each member much like ARMYS did for them. However Namjoon keeps his eyes trained on you alone.

Slowly but surely, all of those complex feelings begin to stir in the pit of Namjoons stomach, placing him right back where he was the last time he saw you. From your confident smile that graces your features to the way you address the host and crowd, it sets him back to the starting line, completely erasing any sort of progress he had of “moving on” from this little problem he has with you.

However this time, he notices there’s something off in the way you present your smile.

As an idol of this current generation, maintaining a professional front could arguably be the most required skill needed in the industry. Between interviews and special events, what mattered most was the way you carried yourself on the outside; and you’ve worked hard to nail down this since the beginning of your career.

To Namjoon, you always seemed to have the perfect—well, everything. The perfect walk for the red carpet, the perfect smile for all the flashing cameras, the perfect charisma to grace anyone throwing stale interview questions your way.

However, as he watches you now on the screen, he can see the stress eating away at your perfect image.

It can go unnoticed by the untrained eye, but by looking hard enough, Namjoon could tell how tense you were. By the way your jaw was set, how you keep slightly adjusting your thighs on the chair, the movement of your thumb smoothing out the back of your hand, you were nervous.

The feeling in his stomach immediately turns into regret, suddenly feeling bad for you. He knew the feeling all too well; trying to make a good impression while trying to keep decent composure. However, you were in your home country. These were talk shows you most likely grew up with. So you should know what to expect, right?

— + — + — + —

Only 5 minutes into the interview and you were already hit with the mundane questions about your group’s tour and the rising success you’ve encountered in the last year. You’ve managed to answer each question flawlessly with a few jokes sprinkled here and there which enticed the crowd even more.

All the while, the boys have been commentating on their ability to have a pretty good interview despite all the boring questions that were tossed in. They could tell you and the girls have been well prepared as they witness each member take turns answering each question eloquently. And in perfect English no less as Jungkook pointed out.

However with these types of interviews, they knew they couldn’t go without being asked some superficial question that was irrelevant to their careers. Glancing at the host, Namjoon noted the determined smirk set on her face. Subtle to the rest of the crowd, but he could sense she was trying to stir up some drama.

“Who wants to bet that they’ll be asked something stupid like our ‘rivalry?’” Taehyung jokingly offers to the group.

“Wait till she asks about an English single first, seems like the route she’s going next.” Jungkook challenges back, bringing the boys to a collective chuckle.

“C’mon you guys that's enough, quit trying to place bets on their interview and just watch,” Namjoon offers as an attempt to join the conversation, plopping another chip in his mouth before continuing, “besides, she has to ask them about their boyfriends first.”

The room erupts with immediate laughter with a couple of the members smacking Namjoon for the out of pocket response. However it quickly dissipates with the approach of the host's next question—and Yoongi’s tired grumbling.

“So you’re not the only kpop group that’s dominating the charts right now. There’s also BTS-“ the host is cut off by the collective screams of the fans.

Taehyung claps and victoriously points to the tv. “Ha! I called it!”

Namjoon rolls his eyes and tries to analyze your face for any sort of reaction, although hard to do when the camera is always turned away from you.

The studio audience manages to quiet down enough where the host can continue with her question. She notes how BTS and HELIOS are currently the two biggest Kpop groups who are experiencing the same climb of fame simultaneously then leads on with Taehyung’s predicted question of rivalry.

As the crowd goes wild with mixed reactions, the camera finally pans over to you and the girls. You all share the same awkward smile as you glance towards each other, contemplating your next move while you wait for the audience to calm down once more.

No one else probably wouldn’t have noticed, but Namjoon can clearly see the distress on your face masked by a charming smile. With this, Namjoon slightly leans forward in concentration, curious about what you will say next. He was genuinely unsure about your stance on the rivalry between the two groups, given that you’ve made your opinion on him quite clear in the past.

True to your fashion, you managed to dodge controversy by explaining the difference between your group and his.

“Well, I guess our rise in fame can be seen as two different journeys for both of our groups. And honestly there’s not so much a rivalry as there is a mutual respect for one another as we both continue to grow in our own ways.” You offer with a nod.

Well, that response colored Namjoon impressed.

“But there’s gotta be some sort of rivalry going on between you guys.” The host adamantly continued to press on, looking at you in particular. “I mean there has to be some beef, I bet you’re just hiding it.”

The girls let out a shared awkward chuckle before Hyojin shot forward with her response with a raise of her hand.

“The only beef we have is Korean BBQ!” She proudly states with a quirk of her lips. The audience roars with cheer and laughter and the girls settle their nerves again.

“Wow, that was pretty good.” Jimin notes as he finishes another small chip bag.

The rest of the girls let out an earnest laugh at the joke made by their youngest before you pull in the reins and continue on with the interview.

“No, in all actuality we do admire them, BTS has been an inspiration to us and we’re honestly big fans of their music. We don’t get to see them often since we are both busy with our schedules but I can tell you they are the most down to earth, hard working people you’ll ever get to know.” You finish your final statement proudly with a genuine smile. A smile that causes Namjoon’s stomach to turn just a bit.

It’s all for show. He bitterly reminds himself. She doesn’t actually mean that, if she did she wouldn’t treat you the way she does.

The crowd cooes with a collective “awww” and gives the girls a round of applause before the host can move on to the next topic.

“You hear that hyung? Y/N doesn’t hate you, she looks up to you.” Jungkook snickers as he nudges his elder with his foot. Namjoon feigns a laugh before smacking his foot away.

Before Jungkook can retaliate, the host moves on to the next question.

“So, do y’all have any boyfriends?”

Namjoon's eyes widen, quickly searching for your face on the screen. He could practically see the color drain from your face as you’re caught off guard by the infamous “relationship question.”

“Hey Namjoon called it!” Hoseok laughs as he smacks their leader on the back.

Ignoring this, Namjoon furrows his brows as he maintains his focus on you, anticipating how you could dodge this controversial question.

A beat passes before your expression suddenly shifts. A determined smirk grows on your face and you bite your bottom lip, a habit Namjoon has noticed from watching many of your interviews in the past few months. It increased his heart rate; you already had an answer ready, a good answer you knew you were confident in.

“C’mon now, you know we don’t have time for that. Besides, we're all married anyway!”

This throws the host in for a loop as her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline while the entire studio collectively gasps in shock.

Jin suddenly chokes mid bite on his chip before clearing his throat. “Did she just say she was married!?” He is immediately shushed by the rest of the boys as they all anticipate the rest of the controversial topic.

Your group mates along with the rest of the studio share the same incomprehensible look on their faces as they stare at you with the word “marriage” hanging from your lips. After a pause the host finally speaks up.

“Wait, you're married?”

Namjoon could basically feel the blood drain from his entire body. Married!? Why would you say you're married? Are you really? Was he missing something here? Did you have a secret wedding that he didn’t know about?

Suddenly, you let out a playful giggle as you flaunt your left hand, wiggling your ring adorned fingers at the host.

“Yeah! We’re married to the game of course!” Your smirk grows into a devious grin as the crowd is overcome with cheer and laughter.

A wave of relief rushes through Namjoon at the explanation, now connecting the pieces together as confused chatter rouses the hotel room.

“I have no idea what she means by that.” Grunts Yoongi from the comfortable side of his bed. The others turn to their leader for a better explanation.

“She means they’re dedicated to being an idol, it’s an American saying I guess.” Namjoon scratches the back of his head as he offers as a direct translation. The boys slowly nod their heads despite the shared confusion in the air.

"Well the crowd ate that shit up," Jungkook acknowledged. "Better than what we said," he snickered, poking at his hyung with his foot, "What did you tell her again?"

Namjoon shook his head, trying to forget the cringey moment he tried to dodge that question himself the last time they were on the show, "Man I don't know, I probably just bullshited an answer."

"Yeah and then she scared the hell out of us!" Hoseok suddenly wails.

"You mean she scared the hell out of you" Taehyung jabs back. The rest of the room erupts in snickers as they imitate Hoseok’s reaction to the jump scare prank they endured on the same show.

As the laughter starts to die down, the interview comes to a close with the host announcing HELIOS’ following performance.

“Well their interview was pretty good. I mean look how they handled each question! It’s better than anything I could come up with.” Jin comments, eliciting a mutual response from the rest of the boys.

“Yeah it was, but if you haven’t all noticed it’s late and we need to get up early tomorrow so we can head out on time.” Yoongi grumbles, finally signifying the end of their watch party.

The rest of the boys begin to clean up their mess and slowly shuffle out of the room to retire for the night. The last ones to linger while tidying up is the dutiful leader and the ever observant maknae who has definitely noticed his hyung hanging around the tv a little longer.

Hardly containing his playful smile, Jungkook slyly moves past Namjoon for the trash can with the last of the garbage.

“Waiting for something on the tv hyung?”

Namjoon, who has kept himself a little too busy smoothing out the duvet as his eyes remain glued to the tv, finally snaps out of his trance.

“What?”

The elder is dumbfounded, and Jungkook can only grin as he walks back over to his hyung, swinging an arm around his shoulder as he leads him to the door.

“Don’t worry, you can still watch the performance before you go to bed. Let’s get you back so you don’t miss it.” Jungkook cheekily grins as he waves off the last member in the room.

“Goodnight hyung!”

“Turn the light off on your way out!” Yoongi shouts back, turning over under the covers to finally get some rest.

After stepping out into the hallway, Namjoon finally finds his voice and shakes off his maknae in embarrassment.

“I’m not trying to watch their performance Jungkookie.” He tries to defend, although feeling silly for doing so anyway; he could practically feel his cheeks light up.

Jungkook stands in front of Namjoon, grin widening with new found knowledge, but opts for not pushing anything forward. He simply shrugs and turns on his heel towards his own room down the hall.

“Alright then, goodnight hyung!” Namjoon watches the youngest retreats with a slight bounce in his step before disappearing into one of the doors, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

I really wasn’t trying to, Namjoon attempts to reason with himself as he walks back to his own room. But even in his head, the defense sounds just as fake as he spoke it.

And it was true. Namjoon did end up under the covers watching HELIOS’ performance on his phone anyway, and there was hardly any time to feel bad about it.

What really occupied his mind, as he watched you perform with your unbeatable charisma and stage presence, was how you handled yourself during the interview. Namjoon was never going to admit it out loud, but he may have rewatched the recording of your interview right after the performance, rewinding and analyzing every single movement you made.

That’s when the first inkling of remorse for you began to bloom through his chest. He knew how tough interviews can be; regardless of being local or international. Saying the right thing at the right time was akin to an art form that was to be mastered after years of practice. And it may not matter how well versed you are in conversation, the unexpected could make any well prepared individual sit in dread as questions are being thrown at you left and right with no time to process them in your brain.

Yet you handled each question with such wit and grace Namjoon almost couldn’t tell your nerves being noticeably out of your element. And for that, he couldn’t decide whether or not to just be impressed or want to comfort you; tell you that it was okay and you did far better than he could ever do himself. He bit his lip as he continuously taps the screen to fast forward; only stopping at the scene of your pink lips upturning in a smirk with your declaration of marriage, teasing the audience and nearly giving him a heart attack.

But what happened to never bothering with her ever again? The little voice in his head wanders back into his consciousness.

Namjoon pauses the video, your face freezing in the beautiful yet playful grin that grew on your face before you delivered the punchline. It takes him a moment to realize that he is indeed under the covers with his face inches from his phone, hiding like a prepubescent teen with a secret. The same position he was in the night he watched that Knowing Bros episode months ago.

That’s right, he was doing such a good job on the whole “not focusing on Y/N for the rest of his life” plan up until you popped right back up in his universe. He was even making progress with a girl who was definitely not you! All of it, thrown off by yet another interview with you being your usual charming self.

He quickly clicked his phone off and tossed it on the nightstand. Rolling on his back, he threw an arm over his eyes and steadied his breaths.

Okay, ignoring you completely had apparently done a number on his ego and the so-called “progress” he had on forgetting you had chucked itself out the window of whatever hotel floor he was currently on. So maybe the plan needed to be reevaluated.

Maybe he didn’t need to completely shut you out of his life. Maybe he didn’t have to ignore your name if it came through on his social media feed or in general conversation. Did he have to talk to you or about you? Of course not. With his schedule and your attitude, he probably wouldn’t get the chance to do either for a long while anyway.

But can he allow himself to be graced by your presence should he so happen to see a video or post about you online?

Namjoon’s fingers immediately twitched with the urge to find his phone again. Resisting, he tossed himself over on his side away from the nightstand.

Well… it’s not like you’re interacting directly with her anyway, no harm in that. He attempts to reason with the dark.

You along with HELIOS were growing bigger with each passing day, and there wouldn’t be a day where he wouldn’t witness your name in bright lights or across headlines. So why should he beat himself over when you reside with him in the same atmosphere?

It’s inevitable that he would always bump into you one way or another, it wouldn’t do him any good to continue running away from it.

So with that, Namjoon lets himself sink into his hotel bed. He slowly closes his eyes on the decision of not complicating himself by completely blacklisting you from his life. He levels his breathing while mulling over not being guilty about any more thoughts of you.

Then eventually, he dozes off with your signature smile gleaming behind his eyelids, inviting him into sleep.

— + — + — + —

After leaving California and making headway through the rest of the North American leg of the tour, the boys finally found themselves in a steady rhythm of tour life. Scheduled filled days of back to back rehearsals and interviews and concerts were now part of an easy norm the boys finally had shifted into their daily lives, and not to mention all the off days they used to explore the area around them every time they reached a new city.

As for Namjoon, it was now easier managing work and personal time together when they blended easily into his daily routine. Especially since he finally let go of his gripe about forgetting you completely.

Another thing he wouldn’t ever admit to was the fact that he now made you somewhat a part of his daily routine as well.

Between working with the boys and texting Yerin on the down low, he’s made an unconscious routine to check up on HELIOS from time to time as you followed suit en route of your first world tour.

‘Which so happened to follow BTS’ route very closely,’ Namjoon slowly let himself believe every time he checked Twitter.

By the time they were in Chicago, tweets about HELIOS’ tour had slowly rotated into his algorithm after his private account—read: inconspicuous stan account—just so happened to like a few posts regarding their first interview where Y/N rocked the fan base with her declaration of “marriage”

“Y/N came to LA for BUSINESS AND BUSINESS ONLY”

“The way Y/N said “fuck off with your rumors, we aint doin this shit today”

“But that face?? Her smirk???? She came for their THROATS”

“My girls said ‘we’re here for the bag. Nothing else.’”

Eventually, liking a few posts turned into liking concert fan cams to liking general fan edit videos to following popular HELIOS stan accounts, with most of those accounts centering around you of course.

When they got to New Jersey, Namjoon had finally subscribed to every official HELIOS account on social media, starting with their YouTube account where he found out you and your girls were actually documenting the tour with short clips of different momentous occasions.

That’s when Namjoon had begun to view Y/N in a new light.

One of the first few episodes featured a very heartfelt point of view from Y/N finally returning to her home country for the first time since she left years ago to train in the industry.

“Am I glad to be back home? Yeah of course,” Namjoon watched Y/N sigh to the vlog camera one night. It was the night of their last concert in LA and the next venue was near your hometown.

“Actually, we’re going to my hometown next, that’s where the next show is, but um…” You look away in thought, but your lips turn in a pained smile.

“My family said they wouldn’t be able to come, and management said I’d be too busy to find time to see them.” You sigh in frustration, but quickly shake it off with a brave smile on your face.

“So I’ll be doing my absolute best for them! And for you guys! We’ll see you there!”

Your declaration left Namjoon’s heart in the pit of his stomach until he was able to watch the next episode on his way to Brazil a week later.

He witnessed a whole montage of a secret plan the rest of HELIOS carried out to surprise you with a welcome home party and all of your family members in attendance.

Although it could’ve been arguably cruel to watch your bandmates record you rehearsing your frustrations out—and secretly snicker about it on the side— it was worth to see you complete overcome with joy when you were led into the hotel’s banquet hall by Yuna and Sumi as Hyojin led your entire family in surprising you.

Namjoon also may or may not have shed a tear when he saw you collapse into your parents arms, sobbing with them as you were finally reunited after so many years.

When they left Brazil for Europe, Namjoon had seen almost 20 different angles of your performances as well as your leader persona in action during rehearsals for your concerts. As lead dancer of the group, the tour vlogs consisted of a lot of direction and guidance of your group mastering each choreo for your setlist. You were a model leader, making sure you supported and guided your group to give their best performance.

Some might call it alluring when in every fancam, you moved with such control and grace, belting your power vocals as you thrive in your “girl crush” persona. Every fancam Namjoon came across had the audience falling head over heels every time you dropped it low and rolled your body and hips to the beat of the song—something he definitely didn’t let his eyes linger on for longer than he should’ve while rewatching his favorite videos.

This was fine. He kept you at arms length like he wanted, letting himself fall curious as to what you were doing as an idol but not having to interact with you directly. This was definitely a healthy balance for him to manage. Plus you were a common topic for him and Yerin to converse about; HELIOS was one of her favorite girl groups and what kind of man would he be if he didn’t immerse himself in his lovely lady-friend’s interests?

But as Day 2 for Wembley in London rolled around, Namjoon kept himself so preoccupied with catching up on your weekly vlogs, concert fan cams, and personal Vlives, he completely missed the memo that your tour paths had crossed with his.

And you were in town for their last concert in the UK.

— + — + — + —

“Have you noticed him looking for you?”

“Him who?”

“Y'know who.”

You groan and roll your eyes, fighting hard to not to make it look like you were searching for the specific pair Sumi’s been teasing you about for the last hour and a half of the concert.

“You’re hallucinating, he doesn’t know we’re up here.” You try to reason as you maintain your attention Jimin’s solo and not on an annoying maknae who’s two seconds away from getting a fat slap to the face.

“Yeah you keep telling yourself that, but the boys know we’re here and out of seven heads there was only one who kept looking up at our private box.” Sumi snickers.

Hyojin’s giggling cuts through your moment of internal rage to defend you. “C’mon Sumi, leave unnie alone.”

She gets up and motions for Sumi to follow her back inside, but not before leaning over to whisper in your ear.

“It’s okay, you can admit that you were watching him, I’m pretty he’s looking for you too.”

You move to lunge for the younger girls as they collectively snicker and run out of the way into the box for more food, leaving you to slowly settle back down in your seat and throw your arms crossed over your chest, growling like some deranged animal.

They’re lying. They're definitely lying. There was no way he knew you were up here.

How you ended up at the last concert you ever wanted to attend, you still don’t know.

Well no—actually you do know, Jina unnie basically told you you had to go.

Regardless, you slowly slump further down in your chair, forcing yourself to at least enjoy the part of the show where he wasn’t on stage.

“Out of all of my off days…” you let yourself sink into self pity before you feel a figure settle next to you, then a quick pinch to the shell of your ear.

Yelping in shock, you repel back as you shield your ear away from your offender. Yuna, suspect number one, cocks a brow back your way while making herself comfortable next to you.

“That was fucking rude.” You mumble under your breath, but does not go unnoticed as Yuna swats your arm.

“No, the attitude you’ve had since we got here is rude.”

“But did we really have to come!? It’s our day off and we could be off doing something else!” You whine out loud, Yuna snaps her head at you with a dirty look.

“And do what Y/N? Rehearse until you injure yourself?” Yuna fires back, “You’ve done nothing but practice and rehearse for every concert with no time to really relax!”

At that, you say nothing and keep your blank gaze directed towards the stage as Jimin wraps up his set. What could you say? All you knew is that you were at a BTS concert that you didn’t want to be at. However, Yuna already knew all of this and decided that it was time to probe your brain for more information.

“I know you’re not pouting over the fact that we were sent to BTS’ concert, you talk to Jungkook and Taehyung too much to hate it here.” She continues to prod, instigating an impromptu intervention. “So what’s the real issue here?”

The problem is you know what the real issue is. You and everyone else who has been in your presence for the last few years knows you don’t hate BTS entirely.

They, as a whole, weren’t the problem.

Slowly the lights change and the familiar chords of a piano sound through the speakers. A chill rolls down your spine as you feel your heart rate increase with the cheering crowd. You just realized who the next solo is.

Sure enough, Namjoon emerges from beneath the stage with a bright smile, addressing the crowd for his solo. You involuntarily flush at his profile appearing on the big screen as he raps the first lines of “Trivia: Love.”

“Ah, there it is.” Yuna slyly whispers in your ear.

You recede back into your seat again, now in embarrassment as you cower away from the direction of your elder and the man on stage.

Yuna laughs lightheartedly, knowing too well of your issues as your main confidant. At this point you’re sure she’s just abusing her knowledge just to tease you.

“You can’t hide from me Y/N, so spill. What’s your problem with Namjoon this time?”

You weigh the options between confronting your personal issues with her now and continue to stay silently or endure the torment of mockery from your girls and the man who is unknowingly the source of your first world problems.

Well being teased for the rest of the night wouldn’t be ideal.

You let out a deep sigh, refusing to look at Yuna and opting to just watch Namjoon perform. “I had a conversation with Johnny before we left, he thinks I’m jealous of Namjoon.”

“I mean, you make it pretty obvious.” Yuna wastes no time with being blunt.

“Well damn should I just write it on my forehead then!?” You bark back.

“Hey! Yelling at me over your unnecessary beef with a man you hardly ever talk to isn’t going to solve your problems.” She sizes you back down with a hard voice. You freeze, then settle back in your seat, mumbling an apology. Once you’ve calmed down, she prods again with a softer voice.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, are you really jealous of Namjoon and everything?”

You still refuse to look at her, continuing to watch Namjoon glide around the stage rapping about his declaration of love. Even without the cameras trained on his face, you can see his brilliant grin from your box as he lets himself go with the music. The heat starts to pool into your cheeks.

He really looks beautiful

Yuna nudges you out of your trance, repeating her question again.

Oh yeah, you were talking. You comb your brain for a sensible response but you’re slightly surprised to find it’s a bit difficult to concentrate as you watch Namjoon down below.

“I- I guess I am? But I know I shouldn’t and it’s stupid. But I can’t help but have these...feelings? Like I'm feeling something and I don’t know what those feelings are…” You begin to babble, but ultimately your words die down on your tongue as your attention refocuses back on Namjoon.

It wasn’t a lie, he really did look beautiful down there in his element—on stage. With the way he pours out his passion into his performance, anyone could tell Namjoon was born to perform. It almost made you… calm? Content? Almost serene in a way. It wasn’t just a song he was performing, it was almost like he was having a conversation; telling his audience, ARMYs, that he truly loved them.

You inadvertently lock eyes with him through the big screen as he raps for the camera, chanting his message of love with the crowd.

Somewhere deep inside, something yearns for that message to be for you as well.

He’s wrapping up the bridge and slowing down for the refrain. Unlike the other solos you’ve seen from the boys, Namjoon’s stage only accounted for him with the props limited to the AR visuals that accompanied him on the screens.

You watch him as he plays with the virtual lights that move under his command, forming into hearts, all while he raps of love. You’ve heard this solo many times in passing, but something about witnessing it live ramps up your heart rate with the energy of the stadium. The last beats of the refrain pump through your blood as it finally drops with Namjoon leading into the final chorus.

The entire conversation of “feelings” is ultimately lost as Yuna, who hasn’t stopped staring at you since you’ve trailed off, watches you completely enraptured in Namjoon’s performance. The lights dance off your face as she studies the soft look that follows the man on stage. In the years she’s known you, she had never seen that look on you before, and definitely not for the man that you’ve claimed as your enemy.

This was completely different. An utterly vulnerable moment where you’ve dropped all your walls and have exposed your true emotions. And with Yuna being the eldest and—self proclaimed—wisest of the group, she doesn’t push forward on it. Instead, she leans back in her seat as the song ends with Namjoon’s final lines. Stealing one last look from you, she confirms everything from the longing look in your eyes to the small but genuine smile that graces your lips.

Yuna grins to herself, locking this information away for the future.

— + — + — + —

“Wait, so they were THERE?” Namjoon desperately tries to confirm with anyone in the car of this newfound information.

He absolutely had no idea that you and the girls were at Wembley. And to be honest, he was kind of disappointed he was only hearing about this on his ride to the airport en route to Paris.

Or was he disappointed you didn’t come see them backstage afterwards?

“Yes they were there, but they had to leave at the end of the show since they had an early schedule the next day.” An assistant sitting in the passenger seat of the shared van responds. “...Although, we did tell you guys in the wrap up meeting before you left for the hotel.”

Namjoon blinks, then swiftly turns to Hoseok seated to his right.

“Hob-ah, they told us?” Hoseok splits into a grin at the urgent tone of his leader's voice.

“Yes Joon, they were there. Weren’t you paying attention?”

Namjoon falls back into his seat as he racks his brain for the lost memory. The aftermath of Wembley D2 was a complete blur; they finished the show strong, grouped up backstage, were ushered back to the hotel to pack and rest, then left this morning.

We’re his days blurring together again?

Namjoon sat confused until his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out to see a message from Hoseok. He turned to the man in question, but only found him tapping away on his own screen as Namjoon's phone buzzed twice more.

Hoseok: You sure you don’t remember?

Hoseok: Maybe this might jog your memory

Hoseok: 😮🤳😂🤳😍🤳🥵😩🤤🤪❤️❤️❤️❤️

Namjoon stares at the string of emojis before turning back to Hoseok.

“What the hell is all that?”

“C’mon, try to use that big brain of yours at least,” Hoseok snickers as he types something else, then finally turns to meet his leader's confused glare with wiggling eyebrows. “Or is it occupied with a certain girl group you’re suddenly interested in?”

Namjoon brows only furrow deeper. “What are you on about? Just tell me.”

Hoseok raises a hand in mock surrender before typing away at his phone again. “Listen, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You shouldn’t have to hide the fact that you’re a HALO now. At least not from us.”

At this, Namjoon flushes and quickly jumps on the defense. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, where the hell did you get this from?”

Hoseok cocks an eyebrow in retaliation. “Seriously? You don’t know? Shall I shed some sun-light on this situation?”

Before Namjoon could interject, a ping signifying an invite to a new group chat sounds off on his phone. Reluctantly, Namjoon accepts the invite and groans at the sight of its name.

INTERVENTION ROOM: JOON IS NOW A HELIOS STAN

Hoseok: He’s here!

Jimin: FINALLY

Taehyung: About time lol

Jungkook: lmaoooo

Jin: Hobi I TOLD you we weren’t ready for him yet

Jin: We we’re supposed to do this when we got to the hotel

Hoseok: He was asking questions! I thought this would be a better time!

Jin: NOT ON OUR PHONES IN SEPARATE CARS ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT

Hoseok: 🤷🏻‍♂️

Namjoon: Guys is this really necessary?

Jungkook: Yes

Jimin: Yep

Taehyung: Honestly, I’m just here for the entertainment 😀

Yoongi: I agree with Joon, I don’t think this is remotely necessary

Namjoon: THANK YOU hyung

Yoongi: Sure thing. I’m gonna take a nap now, have fun tearing him apart

Namjoon: Hyung wtf

Jin: Namjoon we’re not tearing you apart, we’re just simply weighing in on a possible obsession you have

Jungkook: Do you know how many fancams he’s liked on Twitter and Insta? It’s more than just an “obsession” hyung

Namjoon: Kook have you been spying on my phone?

Jimin: Well is it really spying when you’re literally watching Y/N wind her hips in 5 different angles out in the open?

Taehyung: OOH CALLED OUT

Namjoon: Okay I’m out, thanks for having me

Jungkook: Laaame. We haven’t even talked about who your potential bias is

Taehyung: I still got my money on Yuna

Jimin: Nah, it’s definitely Y/N

Namjoon: I said I’m out

Yoongi: Y/N is definitely Joon’s type

Hoseok: THE WISE MAN HAS SPOKEN

Namjoon didn’t even bother to read the rest of the conversation as he removed himself from the group and silenced his phone. He promptly shoved it back in his pocket, ignoring the disgruntled sounds of disapproval from Hoseok, and settled for watching the highway zip by through the window.

So now Namjoon is aware that he hasn’t been all too careful with his deep dive into the HELIOS fandom, but he was more surprised over the fact he was caught lurking on HALO stan accounts and not with texting Yerin.

Which now that he remembers; that was the last person he was actually talking to since the show ended.

— + — + — + —

“-and so I guess they just happened to look over my shoulder everytime HELIOS was on my timeline.” Namjoon sheepishly admits to the phone as he takes a seat while rubbing the towel over his damp hair. Lithe laughter sounds from the speaker as Namjoon relaxes into his chair with a soft smile.

“Sounds to me you do have an obsession,” Yerin chuckles on the screen, resting her chin on her hand. “Why would you have so many posts about HELIOS on your feed if you didn’t? Didn’t you know social media is always tailored to your most current hyperfixations?”

Namjoon snorts and lolls his head back, a totally inconspicuous way to show off his shirtless chest fresh out of the shower. “Oh please, they’re one of the two biggest Kpop groups currently on world tour with similar routes, people are bound to either talk about us or them.”

Yerin hums in response, arching an eyebrow. “Someone’s a little cocky.”

Albeit trying his hardest to flaunt his confidence, Namjoon feels the heat creep across his cheeks as he moves to sit up right. He’s still not used to flirting with someone like Yerin.

In fact, finding time to actually video call Yerin was very few and far between, so it was rare for Namjoon to hold a casual conversation with her that wasn’t through written word. Even still, seeing her still brought out the embarrassingly giddy side of him trying a little too hard to impress a pretty girl he’s come to like.

If he could slap himself directly, he definitely wouldn’t hesitate to do so. How old was he? 14?

Can anyone blame you? The little voice in his head creeps in. Just look at her.

Even dressed down in a messy bun and lounge clothes, Namjoon thought of her as the essence of perfection. Stunningly beautiful. Downright sexy. Amazing humor and intelligence. Absolutely everything he wanted in a woman. He absolutely could not afford to look like a fool in front of her.

Yerin looks away at her computer off screen to click at a few things, no doubt tinkering with the next hit for her current client, then stretches out her exhaustion, yawning before turning back to Namjoon. Suddenly he feels guilty.

“Are you tired?” Checking the clock in his hotel room, Namjoon tries to calculate the current time in his home country on his hand. “Isn’t it late for you right now? you should go to bed.”

Yerin sighs and shakes her head. “Nah, it’s not that late. Besides, I wanna keep talking to you.”

Namjoon only smiles, and awkwardly turns his head away, unsure of what else to talk about. There’s a stretch of silence. Yerin stares at Namjoon through the screen as he busies himself with nothing in particular, waiting for him to carry on. However the awkward pause lingers on until Yerin clears her throat.

“So, will you be seeing them in concert? Since your tour routes are headed the same way?”

Namjoon snaps his head back at attention, “Who?”

Yerin can only chuckle. “HELIOS silly, y’know since you’re such a big fan now.”

Namjoon suddenly flashes back to his fumble in the car ride to the airport earlier that morning, making him inwardly cringe.

“Actually they were at our concert last night, they’re having their London concert right now, I think.” Yerin feigns an overactive gasp.

“You mean to tell me they went to your concert and you didn’t get me an autograph?”

“To be fair, they left right after the show since they had an early schedule the next day.” Namjoon scratches the back of his head before continuing, “...and I didn’t find out they attended until this morning.”

Yerin lets out a laugh. “Wait, they didn’t tell you?”

Namjoon only bites his lip and shakes his head, trying to build up his flirty confidence again.

“Apparently I was too distracted by a lovely woman on my phone that I didn’t catch them talking about it.” Namjoon flashes his best smile. Yerin raises a teasing one of her own.

“Who? Your HELIOS bias that keeps gracing your twitter feed?” Namjoon sputters, prompting Yerin to let out another laugh. “I bet it’s Yuna huh? I always thought she was the prettiest.”

Namjoon scoffs at the absurdity, first his bandmates, now the girl he’s trying to impress. “I don’t think Yuna would be the type to date men younger than her.”

Yerin shrugs with a wink, “Hey, you never know.”

They share a short laugh before the conversation dies down again. Yerin yawns again, signifying how late it is for her. Namjon takes this as the perfect time to end the call.

“Anyway, it’s really late for you. I’d hate for you to be sleep deprived because of me.” He urges her earnestly. Yerin doesn’t decline this time, and nods her head in agreement.

“Yeah I know, I just really like talking to you.” This makes Namjoon’s heart skip a beat.

“I know, I do too.”

“Well, I’ll talk to you later?”

Namjoon smiles earnestly and nods his head. “Of course.”

They both bid their good nights before the call ends, leaving Namjoon to stare blankly at his home screen. Although successfully being able to hold a—somewhat—face to face conversation with Yerin, he couldn’t help but feel just as awkward as he did talking with her just moments ago.

I’m just off my game. He hypes his self assurance up. He’s been so caught up in the world of being a global icon that it’s been a while since he’s had to charm a potential partner, he’s normally not so awkward where he doesn’t know how to hold a simple conversation.

Namjoon sighs, chewing the inside of his cheek as he stares off into the Parisian view from his hotel room. He’s just…stressed. Yeah, that’s it. So stressed due to being on tour for a little over a month now and having to deal with everything that comes with it, totally a valid reason behind why he’s suddenly getting tongue talking to a beautiful woman. With everything going on, there has been little time to just let himself go and relax.

Namjoon shakes his head and runs a stressed hand through his hair, eyeing the phone that was left propped up on the table.

Biting his bottom lip, he contemplates his next moves carefully. He’s a grown man in the privacy of his own suite in a fancy hotel, he’s allowed to indulge in his needs once in a while, right? Couldn’t he just take the edge off for a few minutes before he had to go back to being a professional? For the sake of relaxing, of course.

Feeling his hand twitch at his side, he eyes the phone again, then the door to his room across from him.

No one should be bothering me for the rest of the night anyway…

There’s little room for argument before he’s snatching up his phone and cutting the lights before diving under the covers.

In half a second he’s already pulling up the app and scrolling through Twitter, fancams of your performance gracing his timeline. It was now your turn to take on London for your tour, and considering how late it was getting, it must’ve been well into the setlist of your show.

Sure enough, different angles of your London show start rotating into his feed. He’s seen enough videos of your setlist to know which songs were already performed. Scrolling down, he watches as you and the girls party it up on stage. All laughs and smiles as you let yourself go on stage, completely engulfed in the performance. What once had unjustifiably bothered him before now brought comfort and joy to his demanding schedule and it was something he decided he can indulged in at the end of the day when he was finally all alone, because the last thing he needed was another teasing remark from any bandmate claiming he was neck deep in the HELIOS craze.

But that wasn’t the case. Your group just happened to pop up on his feed for every social app he pulled up, and he just happened to like all of the videos that portrayed HELIOS’ creative output. He was an artist too, he can appreciate his fellow colleagues and their own work every once in a while.

The most important thing was that he was still keeping you at arms length like he promised himself. Your place in his life was still the same as it was before; another idol in the industry that he would cross paths with once in a blue moon. You never created a HALO out of him; he was just conveniently following the most popular HELIOS stan accounts to view your progress, merely recognizing every HELIOS related video that came his way, simply valuing all the HELIOS songs that cycled through his Spotify recommendations, knowing only enough about you and the members to debunk all the rumors that floated around you and your career.

He scoffed. Obsessed fan? No, that was his sister. Kim Namjoon was an artist appreciating another colleague in his space. Nothing more, nothing less.

His train of thought stopped at a still image of you; it was new, something unrecognizable from the setlist he’s memorized.

It was followed by an onslaught of gifs—gifs already? That was fast—with a clearer view of a new outfit that was definitely not in the setlist he memorized.

You’re strutting down the catwalk easily with your heels, all black attire. Your signature look which you’ve carried since your debut.

Then he saw the first video.

The same scene of you strutting, but this time with sound. After tuning into your voice from the screams and cries of the crowd, he learned that the song was your solo from your latest album, and this was the first time you’ve performed it.

It was a slow r&b beat but overlaid with your power vocals, an instant hit on your album and something the crowd was dying to see live on account of their reactions. You reveled in the performance, moving smoothly to the melody as the crowd waved their lightsticks in sync to the rhythm, singing along with you.

It was a captivating sight, but Namjoon would never openly admit that your performance bloomed an unfamiliar warmth in his body. He’s seen you perform before, plenty of times as a matter of fact, but this was the first time he’s experienced any symptoms. Seeing your bright smile as you command the crowd to wave along with you while bopping to the beat left goosebumps to raise across his arms. His heart raced hearing your smooth voice dip into a growl as you belt the chorus. He was even finding it hard to swallow every time you flashed your signature smirk to the crowd.

He quickly shuts his phone off and pushes it out of reach. That was… an odd reaction.

Quickly shaking it off, he curls up on the side of the bed opposite from where he left his phone, signaling his body to start going to sleep.

Reacting to the way you performed meant nothing, he was only admiring how passionate you are as a singer. The sudden increase in heart rate? That was just him feeding off of your energy on stage. The goosebumps on his arms? The song was just remixed well for the concert. Swallowing hard at your smile? Ah hell, he’s a simple man. He can recognize a beautiful woman regardless if she doesn’t return the sentiment.

Then his mood drops, remembering where he started from. That’s right, even after everything, you still don’t like him.

Well no matter, Namjoon thinks as he slowly drifts to sleep. It’s nothing to worry about. It’s not like you’re someone who’s meant to be present in her life. Arms length away is all you need.

— + — + — + —

September 2019

Rushing to make it back to the dressing room, Namjoon follows the boys as they round the corner of the backstage hall before hearing the faint sounds of…crying?

Well that’s odd, no one should be back here.

He pauses for a moment, watching his bandmates disappear around the adjoining hall, then slowly back tracks and walks the opposite direction, silently moving closer until he hears a worried voice over unsettled sobs.

“Just stay here okay? Don’t move, I’ll get you water.” A woman’s voice hushes reassurance to her companion before the quick clicking of heels echo down the other end of the hall.

Before deciding against making this situation any of his concern, he peers around the corner to see an empty corridor with nobody around but a girl sitting hunched over her lap, body wracked with violent sobs.

Oh fuck.

Namjoon is at a loss.

Here he is, standing in an abandoned hallway with a stranger having a complete breakdown right in front of him. Just your normal Saturday afternoon.

Namjoon has absolutely know idea what to do, fidgeting awkwardly in place, undecided if he should try to help the girl or turn around and just walk away like nothing ever happened. He was supposed to be back in the dressing room in less than 20 minutes to pack up and leave. Did he even have time to try to console a complete stranger right now?

While trying to figure out the most ethical and guilt free approach, Namjoon pauses upon closer inspection of the girl.

She’s not dressed in everyday clothes nor any staff uniform. The sequined wrapped dress down to the designer heels and mic pack still hooked up to the waist was a dead give away for Namjoon to recognize it was another idol.

However, the outfit and the heels begin to look familiar as he feels himself walking closer to her. And even before he even thinks to try to turn back at this point, he’s already in front of her, kneeling down quietly and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

The body reacts violently to the touch as they both jump back; Namjoon with his hands raised in mercy, face to face with the bewildered eyes of…

“…Y/N?” Namjoon calls out to you softly.

Up until this point, Namjoon couldn’t think of anything more terrifying than the scene before him; your arms violently gripping your upper body, caging your chest to keep your lungs from bursting from all of the deep uneven breaths you took, eyes blown wide and confused as you hold Namjoon’s concerned gaze.

He can practically see the realization wash over you as you recognize that the person in front of you is probably the last person on earth you’d want to see right now.

You drop your gaze as your breathing starts to become erratic, you look anywhere but the man in front of you and squeeze yourself tight, yet you don’t move from the seat he found you in. Then it clicks.

You’re having a panic attack.

“Hey, nonono it’s okay.” Namjoon begins to coo. He places just the tips of his fingers atop your knee and your eyes snap back to his.

Your vision focuses on Namjoon’s gentle gaze as he looks up at you with hooded eyes, almost urging you to stay grounded with him.

The uneven sobbing slows just a bit as Namjoon takes both of his hands and places them upright before you, allowing you the chance to deny him should you want to.

“Can I try to help you?”

Yuna left you here to get water and you’re all alone with your sworn enemy while your heart is threatening to beat out of your chest.

“Y/N, I need you to try to take deep breaths now, okay?”

It’s hard to hear the man in front of you with your pulse beating so loud in your ears. But he’s saying something. You see his mouth move and he tries to keep his eyes locked with yours.

“Deep breathes. I’ll do it with you, okay?” He repeats directly to you.

The message finally gets across as you will yourself to establish composure. You squeeze your eyes shut and nod frantically, sobs still trembling through your form.

When you open your eyes, you see Namjoon’s waiting hands turned upwards before you, still giving you the option to use him as leverage. Hiccupping, you slip your hands in his and he’s careful to accept them.

The first thing you notice about his hands is they’re huge. Even his thumbs that are stroking the back side of your palms takes up most of the surface area. And they’re… soft. It begins to comfort you in a way you would’ve never thought.

“Okay,” your eyes shoot back up to the sound of his voice. His hooded eyes never seemed to leave you.

“Slow breaths in through your nose, and push them out through your mouth. Do as many as you can, we’ll do it together.”

You inherently grip his hands in response. He gives you a soft smile in return.

In counts of four, you follow his lead in taking long deep breaths with closed eyes. You start off shaky between your sobs, but slowly begin to relax into yourself. All the while, you begin to reality crawl back to your senses.

You’re backstage in a hallway somewhere in the music show studio. You were walking back to your dressing room worried about something you couldn’t even recall. Yuna was chasing after you, trying to get you to calm down before you got way too deep in your own head, but it was already too late.

You remember your voices were raised, arguing over something so insignificant now—you could kick yourself for realizing the way you treated your unnie when she was only trying to help. Not long after that you were becoming hysterical, heart rate and breathing ramping up as you fell into panic.

Yuna ushered you to sit down and breathe as your body was assaulted with uncontrollable sobs and told you to stay put as she got you water.

Then Namjoon appeared.

The last person on this earth who you would think to see kneeling in front of you and offering you help at your most vulnerable, and you calmed down faster than any method or technique that was taught to you by your therapist in the last 3 years. Kim Namjoon; who’s kneeling before you, hands holding yours, coaching you to breathe with closed eyes and a soft voice.

Even with it happening right in front of you, you still couldn’t believe it.

Namjoon notices the lack of uneven breaths from you and opens his eyes to meet your gaze. You’re wide eyed, cheeks stained with your tears as your glossy stare holds his.

“Better now?” He asks quietly, still letting his thumbs glide over the tops of your hands.

Unable to voice any words, you opt for nodding a yes. He grins in response and your brain stops. The first thing you notice is his dimples, adorning each side of a perfect smile. It’s the only thing you can focus on until it's slowly ripped away from you as he gets up from the ground.

“I was worried for a sec, I thought I was going to need to call management or something.” He chuckles awkwardly, placing a hand behind his neck.

You look down at his other hand, still holding yours. Your muddled brain trying to make sense of it all, but only coming up with the conclusion that if he lets go of you, you might spiral out of control again.

And the concern must’ve been written all over your face because he’s level with your face again after pulling a chair up to seat himself across from you, all while never letting go of your hand.

“Is… Everything okay?” Namjoon is cautious to ask.

You grit your teeth and shake your head, trying to wave off your current situation like it’s nothing.

“I don’t think you’d get it if I tried to tell you.”

Namjoon nods slowly, “Yeah you’re probably right.” You lock eyes with him as he gives you a half smile for reassurance.

“It’s not my place to ask, and you’re not obligated to share anything. I just heard someone crying and I thought I could help.” He shrugged, glancing down at your joined hands before looking back up at you. “Did you want to be alone now?”

You felt your head shake ‘no’ before you could voice an answer.

“Then I won’t go.” Namjoon responds softly.

The two of you sat in the hallway in comfortable silence, and not once did he dare to let go of your hand. It was soft in his grasp, and he allowed himself to selfishly rub his thumb over the back of your hand as you stare off into the distance. It was rather odd—being in this situation—comforting the lone woman who swore him off as her competition while he watched her from afar. But the silence was fine for him; there didn’t need to be any conversation if it wasn’t warranted, so long as it made you feel better.

Seconds tick by before another word is spoken, almost barely above a whisper.

“How do you do it?” Namjoon’s eyes snap up to you, still staring away from him as you repeat your question. “Be such a successful leader, how do you do it so effortlessly?”

Namjoon is taken aback by the sudden inquiry. Last time he checked, he was always at his wits end as a leader. Was there even such a thing as doing it successfully?

“I… don’t know what you mean by that.” Namjoon tiptoes around his response carefully. “I barely consider myself successful, let alone being able to do it effortlessly.”

You scoff, lifting one corner of your mouth in a sardonic smile. “Don’t act bashful now, I mean you just won Inkigayo for the umpteenth time.”

Namjoon presses his lips in a thin line, the real Y/N was bound to come out and bite sooner or later.

“Y/N, when have I ever said I was a successful leader?”

“You never needed to, everything you do says it for you.”

Namjoon flinches back from the acidity of your tone as you drop the accusation on him. “Y/N…”

“Listen, forget I asked…” You begin to back pedal, but Namjoon calls you back with a deep voice. You falter, seeing the seriousness embedded in his hooded eyes.

“There’s no secret to being an effortlessly successful leader, I would think you’d know that as much as I do.” He holds your gaze as he does your hand while you remain too stunned to say anything.

“Success doesn’t come from winning every music show award. It comes in the form of ensuring our members are happy and taken care of. To make sure whatever we create is done with enough love and care so our fans can enjoy it. To be mindful of how we take care of ourselves at the end of the day because we know that this role and title is anything but effortless, it’s pure hard work.”

He gathers both of your hands in his as he places his elbows on his knees, leaning forward face to face with you.

“And if that’s the criteria for success, then I’d say you’ve been managing well.”

Tears prick at your eyes as his gaze softens on you.

“From what I’ve seen, you do everything in your power to make everyone else happy. But while that can be admirable in itself, what’s left for you in the end? To be stressed out and upset over everything else you can’t accomplish? Y/N you’re only human, and you already do so much for others, you can’t forget about yourself.

“Don’t carry the world on your shoulders just because you hold the “leader” title. It took me years to figure that out, and even more to learn how to lean on the ones who make me a successful one. No battle is worth fighting alone, especially when you have people to fight with you.”

There’s nothing else you can say as you let Namjoon’s words settle into your skin. It sounded so…right. He addressed the very problem plaguing your entire existence and you didn’t even have to tell him word for word. He just…knew. He understood. And he didn’t reprimand or belittle you for anything.

In that moment, you’ve finally realized you were dead wrong about Kim Namjoon all along.

You cast your gaze down to look at your joined hands once again. He doesn’t make any moves to leave, so you two sit there with the conversation left in the air around you.

“Hey..” You mumble, eyes still trained on your connected hands.

He hums in response, looking up to see you harshly wipe away the streaks of tears on your cheeks. Never had he seen you so lonely before.

“Don’t… tell anyone you found me like this?” The request was meek and made you feel small, but Namjoon one houses your hands in his.

“Of course, Y/N.” His deep voice reverberates through your body, leaving you feeling safe and secure.

Maybe you can trust him, just this once.

— + — + — + —

The sight around the corner of the hallway was more than enough for Yuna to stop dead in her tracks, the biting chill from the water bottle in her hands long forgotten as her mouth curls into delighted grin.

Y/N and Namjoon sitting alone together; albeit in silence, but their joined hands between them spoke volumes of confirming her suspicions.

This is playing out a lot better than I could imagine it.

She gives them at least ten more minutes before calling out to make her presence known.

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