#FUCK YOU CRISP RAT POST I HATE YOU

[aesthetic-uni]

I will forgive the Super Mario Bros Movie of all crimes they’ve done with Chris Pratt if they let Luigi and Bowser be gay

[o0fyuu0o]

I posted 6,683 times in 2022

160 posts created (2%)

6,523 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@englandsgirl18181234

@o0fyuu0o

@necruwumancy

@kyurilin

@liveandletrain

I tagged 606 of my posts in 2022

#fyuu babbles - 105 posts

#fyuu doodles - 41 posts

#present mic - 28 posts

#erasermic - 28 posts

#aizawa - 26 posts

#eraserhead - 24 posts

#aizawa shouta - 23 posts

#yamada hizashi - 20 posts

#fyuu gushes about a cat - 19 posts

#fyuu babbles back - 19 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#and hizashi would of course stifle his love to quieter gestures. his biggest hurtle he finds is fighting against shoutas lack of self worth

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Anytime I see an au where Aizawa Shirakumo and Mic get to open their agency I think about how much easier it would be for AFO to get a hold of erasure.

Three young heros desperate to prove themselves, willing to do whatever it takes to do so? No supervision from veteran heros?

Luring Aizawa into a trap would be so easy.

And I really like the idea of Nomu Aizawa just being completely defective. Like erasures whole thing is nullify quirks, and maybe the doctor goes to far attempting to make it more powerful. Maybe activating it means canceling out every other quirk in his body.

And maybe everytime he nullifies his own quirks he regains bits of himself, and while he doesn't know who the blond and cloud boys are but he know they're important, and he wants desperately to see them but he knows he can't just leave Shigaraki alone. Despite being defective Shouta has managed to bond with Shigaraki, so he isn't completely useless to AFO, he'll gladly punish Shouta when Shigaraki acts out. And vice versa as Shouta slowly regains himself.

Oboro and Hizashi open up their agency, maybe they name it after their dearly missed friend. And they continually run into this villain? Vigilante? They aren't sure. And the corner him one day, just to talk, they work with plenty of vigilantes after all. Only as they approach they suddenly find themselves unable to activate their quirks as the other person flees.

It sends Oboro and Hizashi reeling. Bouts of denial, and what ifs, falling into old habits they'd tried so hard to push past.

And arguments as they try to trample down that budding hope.

375 notes - Posted February 20, 2022

#4

A bit early for MerMay but close enough. I've been working on this one on and off for so long, I'm so happy with the final product and I hope y'all are as well! With and without the water. 

Available on my RedBubble

396 notes - Posted April 30, 2022

#3

Jon just likes the sound of Martins heartbeat, it keeps him grounded.

459 notes - Posted July 25, 2022

#2

Do you think outside of his hero costume Mic wears a lot of turtlenecks? Like his directional speaker doubles as protection, and without he feels super exposed and vulnerable?

Maybe the only place he feels comfortable enough to be so exposed is home. And thats wherever Shouta is.

881 notes - Posted March 16, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Fucking dead 💀💀💀

27,501 notes - Posted October 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[capitainecorbeau]

As an animator, I wish all the people saying the sonic redo or was a good thing and they should do something similar for the Mario movie a very go fuck yourselves my god how many times do we have to tell you we're overworked and underpaid ???? Does that only matter when you want to trash a franchise or movie you already dont like ??

'Oh they had to redo animation on shrek bc Myers wanted to do a scottish accent and it's now an iconic part of the character !' If I was made to redo my finished work bc some fuck wanted to do an accent I would've burned the studio down.

Just don't go watch the movie instead of asking people to trash their work ffs

[poobletoods]

alright here's 2022

Horse plinko (was mostly 2021 but there were still horses plinkoing in early january)

Blorbo from my shows

Photoshopped butts

The urfaveisunfuckable situation

Nfts 

Wordle 

It’s me, boy, I’m the ps5

2s day

No bitches?

Live slug reaction

My brother in christ

The multi-hour victorious video essay cinematic universe

Smoking the shit that made _____ _____

_____ing absolute _____

get drinked

joe biden burying dogs?? i guess????

microplastics 

i can send email

tumblr blaze

catholic sponsored posts that I completely thought were a joke at first because holy shit

the misha bisexual situation 

manscaped ads

twitter runoff

she _____ing on my _____ till I _____

dracula emails

new mcr 

tbh creature

the feminine/masculine urge to _____

spongebob “I fucking love _____ I want to fucking _____”

swedish people and meals

morbius

skrunkly/skrungy/skrungly/etc

_____, so this pride, i'm partnering with _____

internet explorer's death

the pikachu man(?) ad idk i never saw this man i think yall made him up

I love/hate you _____ (repeated many times with different things)

(random word) is a beautiful name for a baby girl/boy

mousegirls (and all related creature girls)

reddit story generator

dall e mini

all the fucking.? british people quitting the government and the guy in japan getting shanked yall know

homophobic dog

cyberpunk kitty game :)

pink sauce

taylor swift private jets

breakdancing cat

_____ event leaves (#) dead (#) injured

gougar/gouger

circling google search results and adding a person or character whose name sounds like the series of words in the circle

i feel like breaking bad has become more of a whole Tumblr Thing than a meme but it bears mentioning

blue hair and pronouns

leonardo dicaprio's dating choices

anyone else _____ or is it just me and _____

she wants to order

reigen v sans

to shreds you say

queen dying 🦀🦀🦀🦀

"i meet someone" cycle

that try guy dude cheating on his wife

crisp rat mario again

lesbian velma

they should invent (convenience) 

the _____ to _____ pipeline

hey don't cry. (#) _____ in the world, okay?

bts??? getting drafted ????

a secret third thing

sigh. gandalf big naturals.

twitter still in flames. elon musk desperately trying to stop the fires by demanding they give him money in order to keep burning. more at 11.

sad! well theres other _____

tumblr's blue checkmarks

goncharov

i can't make it i'm gonna be busy _____. yeah it's gonna be all day

that dude who got his dick stuck in an m&m tube

something about fentanyl idk

that one shitty guy getting doxxed and busted for human trafficking (everyone say thank you greta 🙏🏻)

[arrow-shadowwolf]

My thoughts right now:

- Crisp Rat is an animal brutalist, part of an anti lgbtq+ church that supports and does conversion therapy and follows IG accounts that are Trump supporters, laugh with the left, and supports the police departments and he can burn in hell.

- Crisp Rat’s wife is anti Trump and she and her family are Biden supporters. So I don’t get how that marriage works when her husband is against everything she presumably stands for. It’s white privilege to not even care about your husband’s political views.

- So many Biden supporters or people I know are just good have now stood up for Crisp Rat. Going from just liking the post to making a post. RDJ, Mark Ruffalo, Russo Brothers, Sam Holland, Karen Gillan,...

I don’t get why!!!! Even if they are just talking about that Chris is a great guy and aren’t talking about his political views. He isn’t a great guy at all because of what he stands for. It’s the complete opposite of what they want in the world. Someone please explain to me how their brain works???!!!

- It sucks they also never stood up for any of the women or poc in the mcu when they got so much hate that wasn’t deserved unlike with Crisp Rat. I think they always supported these actors and actresses though. You can see this if you look at interviews and more.

I heavely suspect this was organized and asked to RDJ/Mark Ruffalo by Chris’ agents. And that’s why they never spoke out on the undeserved hate. It’s too coincidental to me they all decided to do this on the same day/time while this happened a week ago.

But still to do this, it’s fucking thoughtless and shows they aren’t suffering by anything. WHITE FUCKING PRIVILEGE. I hate it so much. And I just want to know why! What were they thinking, because I know they are good people. They made a big fucking error in judgement here!!!! And all because it is their friend who probably doesn’t ever show his true colours. Disappointed af and they’re hurting my heart.

[samikozume-todoroki]

Those bugs hc were amazing ( i was laughing so hard), what about some headcanons where the reader is now too small to reach something and the boys have to help her 👉👈

(Thank you so much! Glad it made you laugh🥺 as a smol bean; I am an inventor or spidermonkey no in between. And by boys I assume Shouto and Katsuki at the least, but I’m also doing Izuku and Kirishima!)

Characters: Shouto Todoroki, Katsuki Bakugou, Izuku Midoriya, Eijirou Kirishima

Masterlist | Request rules | Gen. Taglist

Shouto Todoroki:

Mans walked into the pantry, fully intent on destroying the endeavor cereal that UA just stocked up

See you climbing on the shelves, hands losing their grip

Yoinks you so fast you don’t even realize he entered

(All I hear is the “STOOPID IM NOT GONNA LET YOU GET THE CHANCE” audio as I type this💀)

Actual photo of shouto yoinking you

Mans holds you by the collar of your shirt, staring at you with his beautiful eyes which are full of concern and worry

iTS NOT FAIR HES BOTH HOT AND A DECENT PERSON ITS NOT

“C-c-can you hel-help m-me?” Pouty and flustered the words are spit out

He puts you on the ground and goes behind you

!!! What r yO-

oh, okay

Mans picks you up by the armpits and you grab that yummy yummy Cinnamon Toast Crunch and the nasty bitch e*deavor cereal

He is so focused on how to destroy the cereal that when you lean up to give him a peck on the jaw, he stumbles

His heart just went DokiDoki!Precure

Scurrying out of the room like a rat (same😌💅✨) you don’t know that his left side flared up- destroying half the pantry

“Well at least the cereal got destroyed”

“YO! WHO DESTROYED THE MAC N CHEESE?! NOT COOL BRO”

“Half the pantry is burnt to a crisp and youRE comcerned about the Mac n cheese??”

“Ya??? Isn’t everyone??”

*everybody nods*

“Sigh”

Katsuki Bakugou:

Katsuki firmly believes in “fuck everyone, it’s every man for himself”

But there’s a secret clause hidden in page 101, paragraph 2, sentence 3, section FU-ck; 666

(I have no idea how shit like that works, so let’s roll with it🥰)

It states “it’s every man for himself unless the short stack can’t reach jack shit, then I could lend a hand if I want”

He enters the cleaning closet and sees you banging the broom on the bleach on the top shelf

“Thread the needle what the fuck broom fuck the handle sis it ain’t hard please-“ this close to tears and suddenly

Katsuki enters, grumbling about who knows what

“What? Did you see a speck of lint in the hallway that reminded you of Izuku?”

“No” (yes actually, damn nerds lint)

Now that a hot and more importantly tall boi was here

You banged on the bleach hoping it would annoy Katsuki enough to get it for you

✨backfired bitch✨

“You could just ask for help short stack”

😳😠🥺”pls help me”

He went to reach for the bleach, doing that “cage them in by getting super close” thing and

gETTING WAY TOO CLOSE LIKE SIR PLS BACK UP

I AM TRYING TO B R E A T H E

“I-I-I tha-thank y-you” 😳

“You’re welcome”

Said with such a cocky smirk, all embarassment is gone.

Pulling him down a bit by the collar of his shirt, and then

Kissing his cheek, you linger for a few seconds, releasing him skipping out the door

Mans blew up a shelf on accident

“Why is the shelf broken?”

“Bakugou”

“Ah, normal Tuesday then”

Izuku Midoriya:

Izuku was going into the kitchen for a snack

When he stumbled upon a snacc😍

A snacc that was on their knees on the counter (no feet on the counter, nasty bitch 🤢) and tipping backwards

Full cowled over and caught you, bridal style

“Y/n be more careful! What if I didn’t catch you?! You could have cracked your head open, broken your neck, or-

“But that didn’t happen because you were here!”☺️

“gotten an concussion fall asleep and slip into a coma, got a stroke that we didn’t notice and di-“

Blushy boy becomes a tomato

Not only from your words

But your beautiful eyes that shine so warmly and a smile that always cheers him up and lips that he’s imagined kissing a couple of times-

And your voice which is so gentle and happy and holds no doubt. The way you said he was there like he would always be there and you’ll always count on him and trust him

He’s just 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

(TAKE MY KITHES IZUKU BABIE ILY)

He sets you gently on the counter

“Can you get something for me?”

Man full cowls and within a second all the items on the top shelves are taken down and out on the counter

“I-I just needed salt??”

“Oh”😳 full cowls everything back but the salt.

You offer him some food and ask him to eat with you and this blushy simp boy is in

✨heaven✨

God y’all ain’t even dating and make everyone feel so so so single

“Oh my god, somebody please make them kiss already”

“Izuku and y/n are in the kitchen?”

“The sexual tension and mutual pining is infuriating and disgusting”

“Retweet”

“Even bakugou agrees”💀

Eijirou Kirishima:

You regret throwing stuff on the top shelf of your closet

Why did you, oh right because “you’ll never need it, and you don’t use it”

Well you need it now

Fuck.

Normally you would be an

😌💅✨independant woman✨💅😌

And get a chair and do it yourself

But the only chair is the rolling chair,

and idk man it’s slightly cloudy and Mars is in retrograde so you don’t really think it’s a good day to snap your neck

So you go to the common area to steal a boy 🤩

Seeing Eijirou first, his freshly showered appearance (the hair!!!) blessed your eyes

😍

“Ei~ Ji~ Rou~”

“Slightly scared, but yes y/n?”

“I need a tall, muscly man to help me”

He never got up so fast in his life, eyes sparkling

Eijirou’s man ego and pride was stroked and he was t h r i v i n g

His grin was so big and eyes so happy and please please please praise him and stroke his ego more I beg

Going to your room

Eiji was in heaven, first time in your room and he loved it already everything screamed you and he loved you so he loved it

(Hi I love simp Eiji and ack, I’m actually crying I simp for him so so so hard i🥺😭)

After grabbing your stuff,

You flashed him the prettiest smile

Your eyes reflected back his and it was the most beautiful piece of artwork he had ever seen

And softly, “thank you”

GAJSGHAHS Y/N TAKE ALL MY LOVE AND MY HEART I DONT NEED IT ANYWAYS

(Give him kithes rn 😠 I swear)

you invited him to stay and chat

All throughout it you were like

“Sir??? You do not get to be so handsome and pretty and funny and nice and a super good person”

Omg you actually teared up a little bit when Eiji was smiling and laughing boisterously

It was so cute and you were so in love and🥺🥺🥺

You guys were first on the floor, then the bed and desk chair, then across from each other on the bed, then next to each other on the bed and

wow now you both are sleeping and cuddling.

Kiri is wrapped around you and if he woke up in the middle of the night and snuggled your small form closer it’s not anyone’s business but his

“I hate them”

“Kirishima and y/n?”

“Who else?”

“Good lord you would think they are newlyweds”

“Always rubbing it in our faces that they are soulmates”

A/n: Shouto is emotionally constipated 😠 he doesn’t know he’s crushing😠 all he knows is that he feels things😠 that are nice and warm and make his fire activate😠 this is the second version, the first got deleted because of my own stupidity. I think After fiddling with this version for around an hour, I like it more than V1. 🥺 if anyone wants anymore boys from BNHA, or some HQ boy versions send a request! I’d be happy to do it!

I am in the process of planning out a Kid Krow songfic collection for BNHA and Haikyuu (separately) and I want to hear suggestions for which character for which song! Drop an ask or find the post I talk about it (under Sami speaks) and comment!

General Taglist (open! Ask or comment on this post to be on it): @mssyprsn

[gnecrognomicon]

WHY DID YOU REBLOG THE "THERE IS NO MEME I HATE CHRIS PRATT" POST LIKE SEVENTEEN TIMES IM LAUGHING MY ASS OFF

ALSKFJHFD I'm very tired and filled with rage!! Fuck Chris Pratt this is not a crisp rat safe zone!!!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #381

“don’t try to be the one person who has stayed just to say they never left me”

Do you feel bored with your life? Always. Do you miss anyone who was mean to you in the past? I sometimes miss Colleen, but I know it's for the better that we no longer associate with each other. What’s the most weight you’ve ever gained from a medication? I don't know, but a fuck of a lot. Thanks, Abilify. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Do you pray? If yes, to whom? No. What do you miss about high school? Memories with Jason. What do you miss the most about college? Socializing. What was the best date you’ve ever been on? A triple date to an arcade w/ Jason and friends. What’s the last great song you discovered? The most recent one? I don't know, really. Do you feel free to post how you feel on Facebook? Yeah. Don't like what I post, delete me. Have you ever done cocaine? Yikes, no thanks. Do you think you’ll ever get married? Do you want to? I sometimes wonder if I ever will. I'm scared of just continuing to be an unemployed leech that is doing nothing significant with her life, in which case it's like, why even be with me romantically. I feel like such a dead end street. I want to get married someday. Who do you care about the most? When it comes down to it, probably my mom. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Would you ever get gauged ears? I want small gauges, actually. When it comes to clothing, are you the conservative type? Yes, because I hate my body and don't want others to see it. Do you enjoy eating? I wish I didn't. Have you ever ridden in a race car? No. Do you go out of your way to impress the opposite gender? No. Do you enjoy history? Not really, no. It bores me. Are you a pajama person or do you stay dressed all day? I'm just about always in my pjs. Do you value looks or personality more? Personality is way more important. Have you ever changed religions? Yeah. Born Roman Catholic, converted to Christianity when I further understood the differences, then I went to how I am now: I believe in something(s), but I don't quite know what. I wouldn't call myself a Neo-Pagan, but it's what I relate most to. Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? I would for like, my wedding. Foo fighters vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers: I'm actually not a big fan of either. Are you a fan of the SAW movies? I don't really watch them. Do you ever forget how old your siblings are? My two immediate sisters, I'm sometimes a year off. All my others, yes. :x Mountain Dew or Sprite? Mountain Dew, of course. I really don't like Sprite now, which is ironic because as a kid, it was my favorite soda. Could you ever give yourself a shot? Yeah. Have you ever worked as a cashier? That was one of my duties when I worked at a dollar store. If you are on birth control that allows you take pills and skip your period, how often do you opt to skip it? How come? My birth control doesn't allow me to skip, but rather, it regulates it. Is there a book series where you loved the first book, but for some reason the other books in the series just didn’t measure up? I can't say that, no, as most series I just kinda fell out of, like The Hunger Games. LOVED the first book, started the second, and even though I was enjoying it, I just stopped for some reason? Are there any stores/restaurants that you would like to shop/eat at, but there aren’t any located near enough to you? Haha yeah, like lots of west coast fast food places like Jack n' the Box or however it's formatted. If you were told by a professional that you were unable to become pregnant, how would that affect you? Is there something important to you about conceiving a biological child rather than adoption? And finally, if you even want to have children, would you choose adoption or surrogacy or would you go on childless? I don't even want kids, so honestly, I'd be stoked if I learned I was infertile. Wouldn't need to worry about the chance of getting pregnant and facing an abortion dilemma. Is there something that you did not used to take seriously, that you either now take seriously or wish that you had in the past (e.g., a relationship that you miss, your education, etc.)? Hm. I don't know. Are there any subjects that you are interested in so much that you would read whole books or academic journals about them? Meerkats, especially. I will read EVERY scientific article about them I find. Are you physically affectionate with your friends? I'm a hugger. When you were in middle school and high school, did you witness a lot of bullying? How did the teachers react to name-calling or violence? Not really, thankfully. Are any of your friends/relatives actually impressive artists or writers? Are you willing to share an example of their work? Yeah. I have a cousin who's really good at drawing, and my sister is a wonderful cake decorator. Do you drink more apple or orange juice? Orange. Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your gf/bf? My hypothetical bf/gf, no. Would you ever donate blood? I have before, and I would again if I knew I was hydrated enough and the opportunity was right there. Would you rather drink coffee or tea? Ugh, neither. Do you get easily embarrassed? YES. How long was your longest make out? TMI alert, like all night. If the person who hurt you most said they’re sorry would you believe them? I honestly don't know. Do you have sensitive skin? Very. What color is your mum's car? White. Do you live in an apartment? No. Do you have a pet fish? Nope. Are you happy with your eye color? I wish they were a more sapphire blue. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? Absolutely liquid body wash. What color do you want your dream car to be? Baby pink. *-* Do you have more then one favorite band? I say I do, but at the same time I know Ozzy Osbourne will ALWAYS be #1. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship? In a relationship. But it's absolutely not something I'm about to force just for the sake of being in one. Would you be really upset if Facebook ceased to exist tomorrow? Nah. Have you or would you try shark meat? No to both. Do you know anyone that's pescatarian? No. Someone I watch on YouTube is, though. Are you shy or over confident around your crushes? Super shy. Do you think the govt. has a cure for cancer, but is hiding it from public? Hell, I think it's very well possible, but I lean more towards for financial hoarding, they simply don't further pursue potential cures that are discovered. I mean, just THINK about all the "future cures" you've read or heard about. It's fucking outrageous. It's all to fuel the medical industry. Okay, tin hat coming off. Last time you drank a diet soda? A very long time ago, because diet soda gives me a massive headache. Was your ex born in America? Only one wasn't. Name your favorite type of music and why. Metal. I for one just like the sound, and I find it very therapeutic when I'm especially mad or sad. Even when I'm in a good mood, I just enjoy it. I also feel that a lot of metal songs tell interesting stories and/or have very poetic lyrics. Do you own or have you read, or thought of reading any self-help books? I haven't, but I've considered it. Can you breakdance? Definitely not. Have you ever read a book and not understood it? If so which one? Yes. We were assigned this one war novel in middle school that was FUCKING AWFUL, like I was checked out the whole time. I don't remember its name or anything. Have you ever watched a movie and not understood it? If so which one? Yes; the Warcraft movie I mentioned in a recent survey. Orcs and their fucking deep-ass voice that I couldn't understand. Do you blowdry your hair? No. Tell me about your dream last night. Omfgggggg y'all. So, there's one invert pet that I've never understood the keeping appeal of, and that's giant centipedes. Their bites are notoriously excruciating, and they are just SO goddamn fast. Well, for some godforsaken reason, I wanted one as a pet. Got one, and it immediately got loose. Guess who wanted to shit herself lmao. Centipedes are very cool, but only from a distance, ya feel? Have you ever stayed in a fancy high-class rich hotel? No. Have you ever stayed in a rent-by-the-hour motel? I don't think so. Describe the worst fight you’ve ever been in whether physical or verbal. I'm not entirely sure about my *worst*, but I know it was with Mom. We've had a few. Have you heated any food in your microwave today? Yeah, a shrimp alfredo Lean Cuisine bowl. Do you own any items of clothing with cartoon characters on them? Yes. Have you ever played Animal Crossing? No, it doesn't seem like my kinda game. Do you own anything (e.g jewelry, accessories) with your initial on it? Yes, but none of which I personally bought because I don't really like them. Do you own any cats or dogs? What are their names? I have a cat named Roman. <3 Have you added any books to your shelves lately? Which? No. Have you bought any new cosmetics or toiletries lately? Which? No. Do your pets have a specific type of food that they prefer? Roman will eat whatever cat food he's given, while Venus, like your average ball python, is a picky eater. Like when I first got her, she wouldn't eat for almost a year because I just couldn't find a method through which she'd accept food. Now she consistently takes frozen/thawed small rats that have actually sat in warm water (versus doing it by hand under running water), and she generally won't strike it unless it's offered to her by tongs, but not dangling by the tail. Picky, picky miss thang. What's your favourite variety of apple? I'm not very particular about flavor so long as the apple is crisp. I canNOT do soft apples. Which of your physical features do you receive the most compliments about? My hair.

[egoludes]

need.

note: so...here we are. my first marvel piece, and it's just bare filth, LOL. @feminarrie​ and i were tossing around this idea about reader touching herself while steve is gone and bucky overhearing/ratting her out, and kaitlin said one (1) thing about bucky maybe getting too into it and this is the result. it’s a long off the cuff concept with some minimal, clean-up-sleepy-typos editing, so i'm sorry in advance for anything that doesn't flow like my full-fledged fics do. i just had a ton of fun musing about this in k's messages and wanted to share! hope you enjoy! 

warnings: nsfw (18+), masturbation, voyeurism of a sort, grey-ish bucky, hints of dom!steve. to be direct, if you don’t like the concept of someone listening in on someone else without their permission -- understandably, a little creepy -- please don't read. this is a departure from what i've posted in the past, so it's okay if you pass!

well, we have to start at the beginning: steve dipping down and kissing you hard in the quinjet hangar. he takes his time, like he's memorizing the depths of your mouth for the journey ahead. and when he pulls away, it's with a smile hidden in his beard, fingers pressing hair out of your eyes to see you. "you gonna be okay without me, baby?" he‘s gotten into the habit of asking that before he goes, your considerate, earnest man. but today, he's especially worried -- he'll be gone longer than usual (and even a small mistake could keep him away longer than that) and he hates the thought of you alone all that time.

your answer is a nose to his jaw, a gentle gesture that makes him tip into you. "i am, stevie, promise -- you just worry about getting home safe to me." he nods, curt and quick, before smiling again, this time a little more deviously. you know what's coming next, but the hands skimming over your ass still make you squeak, a sound he eats up with that wolfish grin. "and you'll be good too?" his eyes flash a darker blue, heat rising between you from that question alone. again, you know exactly what he's asking --- less inquiry and more reminder of the one rule you aren't to break when he's away.

keep your hands to yourself.

it's hard sometimes, but you always make it through, too eager for his praise for anything else. so, when he asks, you have no qualms nodding, pulling him down to meet your mouth, and swiping your thumb over the cut of his jaw. "yes, sir."

only, you're an absolute liar. for one reason or another, steve's away longer than you ever could have prepared for, hours turning to days and days to weeks at a snail's pace. the first half of it is easy enough ---- nothing you haven't done before between his days at shield and now. but, by week three, you're so wound up it's dizzying, ache making a mess of you with an almost laughable intensity.

and it only gets worse as the days go on. you start to dream about him; the weight of his cock on your tongue, or how it feels twitching and leaking against your thigh just before he cracks you open. you dream about the way he'd fucked you the last night he was home, fingers in your mouth so you can taste yourself while he filled you. he'd taken you a few times over -- "need something to think about out there," he’d said -- and kissed you long and sweet afterwards. it's all you want now. all you need now. need, need, need licking at your heels like flames.

you crack on week five.

it happens after a particularly rough day of training, body hypersensitive after hours of being tossed about like a rag doll. you feel the tension ripple through you even as you tuck yourself into bed, hair damp from a long shower, and even longer bath. you decide then and there that whatever punishment steve might dole out if he finds out -- how could he, you think -- is worth the relief. still, you start slow; fingers tentative as they slip between your legs because it'd be just your luck for him to come barreling in, right as you deliberately defy him. but, when you press your pointer to your clit through damp panties and jolt at how good the simple touch feels, you start to forget about the risk you're taking. start to lift your hips to meet your hand and let sounds rise out of you, because you're convinced you're completely fine. there's no way he will ever know.

unless bucky barnes has something to say about it.

bucky would be lying if he said he wasn't intrigued by your and steve's sex life. being one room over, he hears so much of it as it is, moans, whines, and filth, filth, filth spilling into his room at all hours of the day. the curiosity has gotten so large at times that he finds himself asking steve outright what it's like ---- what you're like. the question only comes when he's had enough asgardian liquor to laugh it away if steve rejects it, but he never does. if anything, steve is eager to share; a content, almost proud look to him as he gushes about his sweet girl. his baby doll. his hot, wild, insatiable little minx.

bucky just nods usually -- 'ooh's and 'aah's and quite genuinely at that, because who would have thought that you behave so well behind closed doors? but, he never takes it further than that. never admits how much he leaks just at the sight of you now, or that he imagines you over him when he fucks his hand at night, whimpering in a stupor. it's his dirtiest little secret, something to do in the dead of night when there's no way you or steve could catch him. 

it's what makes this so dangerous. the last thing he should be doing is listening to you. as far as you're concerned, he's completely asleep -- had told you goodnight hours ago now -- and this is your time to chase relief in private. but like most nights, actual slumber is hard to come by and bucky is fully awake when the first whimper leaves you.

immediately, he's blinking past his weariness, eyes darting towards the wall that connects you and narrowing as though scrutinizing what he heard. there's no way...

then, you do it again. this time, more broken, more breathless and his cock twitches because fuck, did you just put a finger inside yourself? there's no way to know, but he could guess. he could see it vividly now. legs spread with your panties at your ankles; pretty and wet with your fingers rolling over your clit and between your folds to get yourself started. he licks his lips, swallows thick thinking about how good that room must smell because of you; heat and musk hanging thick in the air for men with even weaker senses than him. and before he can stop himself, his cock is in his hand, throbbing and angry red with beads of precum already at the tip. he strokes lazily at first, taking his time because you are, too -- mewls still soft and exploratory.

but desperation is a funny thing. for you, it's filling yourself with three fingers almost as soon as you start. the stretch isn't nearly enough --- not nearly as good, but for tonight, it'll do. for tonight, it's just right, urging your hips up and forward at a steady pace as your free hand scrambles for your breasts. you'd meant to take your time, but the momentum is hard to taper after so long without release. you thank god bucky had gone to bed so early because you know you're getting loud. you know you're getting out of hand, rocking the bed all on your own with how hard you're chasing climax, and whining out loud for steve as if it'll make him come home faster. you try to muffle yourself with a bite to your lip, but your teeth come down too hard and end up breaking the skin. brine and copper burst onto your tongue and in a way you can only describe as primal, it spurs you on -- even if steve gets mad about you breaking his rules, you hope he could appreciate how much you need him. how much he unravels you, even without being there.

for bucky, it’s rising from his bed to press his forehead to the wall so he might hear you better. there's a low lying shame at it ---- he knows he's invading your privacy, and crossing an unspoken line between him and steve, but god, if you don't make his head hazy. he can't even think straight now that he's going, bucking into the warm flesh of his right hand while the other scrapes and whirrs against the wall. he meets each of your moans with a grunt of his own, managing somehow to keep his volume controlled. but that doesn't make this any less animalistic, any less wild. no, if anything, there's something especially dangerous in his focus; quiet but needy movements that speak to nothing but this rising urge to feel you, just once, if you and steve would let him.

you're both at the brink before you know it, fingers tightening, twisting, pulling, tugging until you're arching off the bed with a whimper and bucky's crumbling forward, spilling hot white all over his fingers -- the most spent you've ever been.

come morning, it'll be like nothing ever happened. not for him, and certainly not for you. especially when you both wake up to an alert from FRIDAY, clear and crisp: "good morning - captain rogers has just landed."

[strmpt]

Favourite avengers movies scenes?

ok so I like attention so I’m coming back to answer this with the longest response possible aka i’m gonna list my favorite line/scene from every mcu movie

1. Iron Man - lmao when tony’s trying out the thrusters for the first time and launches himself into the ceiling, and then over the cars. also when he’s getting out of the suit that one time and he’s like “be gentle it’s my first time” or whatever

2. The Incredible Hulk - “you wouldn’t like me when i’m hungry” sdjkfkd

3. Iron Man 2 - ngl it’s the alternate opening for the movie and if you havent seen it please look it up

4. Thor - when loki says “iS iT???!??” so aggressive i love it every time

5. Captain America: The First Avenger - the whole movie. all of it. 10/10 cinematic masterpiece. i have to say this bc my fave scenes are steve being dumb and innocent and cute and that’s basically the whole movie. also hayley atwell

6. The Avengers - the scene in the helicarrier where they’re all arguing and the sexual tension between tony and steve is palpable. also “ant... boot.”

7. Iron Man 3 - the fuckin walk down the stairs tony does in armor when it wouldnt fly. also his adorable smiling face in the opening in 99. also the inclusion of blue by eiffel 65. powerful. ALSO pepper dying lmao OOPS

8. Thor: The Dark World - the scene where they break loki out all the way to when they leave asgard. the sass. the cevans cameo. incredible.

9. Captain America: The Winter Soldier - the whole movie. again, 10/10. also the running scene yes i still think it’s funny

10. Guardians of the Galaxy - “what are you DOING??” uh i liked this movie a lot so it’s hard to pick my fave scene but it’s harder to watch now bc i dont like crisp rat.

11. Avengers: Age of Ultron - the hammer lifting scene. the log splitting scene. the look of disappointment steve gives tony when he admits to knowing klaw or w/e. the end where tony and steve are with thor talking about the damn hammer and the elevator. also the goodbye

12. Ant-Man - whole movie. 11/10. luis. “the sys’em?!?” bro. i didnt see this movie until after civil war and im sad i missed out even for a min

13. Captain America: Civil War - “mission report: decemeber 16, 1991” thats it. no wait— sam and bucky interacting. but that’s it

14. Doctor Strange - wong. that’s it. i hate benson cumdumpster so it’s hard to enjoy

15. Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2 - the scene where rocket and yondu kill everyone it’s great i love it.

16. Spider-Man: Homecoming - “i’m watching.. porn”

17. Thor: Ragnarok - the whole damn thing. 12/10 best movie. “suns goING DOWN” just making fun of that bs was great. thank you taika.

18. Black Panther: whole movie. god i loved this movie so much. it’s so good. i cannot pick a favorit part because it is all my favorite part

19. Avengers: Infinity War - “WHY is gamora???” idk not a lot of favorite scenes but i immediately wanted m o r e after watching it

20. Ant-Man and the Wasp - when scott is stuck being small and he’s running around like a kid and then when he gets in the van and wants snacks. adorable. also babba yaga. also “it IS truth serum”

21. Captain Marvel - man all of it. lesbians. goose. “what’s a cat?” amazing

22. Avengers: Endgame - the new york 2012 scene. america’s ass. actually any scene w/ steve and tony. no one died in this movie.

23. Spider-Man: Far From Home - “i will always love you” fucking SENT ME in the theater i stg that was the fucking best. also peter tingle.

sorry for the long fuckin post lmao i just had to share lmao

[throtegote]

Yung Waitloz (2012 me’s rapper name)

(If you’d like to read this off my wix blog here’s the link: https://erikatriesall.wixsite.com/tlhodia)

If you get triggered by topics concerning body image and weight loss then proceed with caution or don’t proceed at all.

I probably discuss way too much personal stuff online, but hey, who doesn’t appreciate a little oversharing every once in a while?

I have never been skinny or slim, let’s start there. Sure, I was a tiny baby, but that was about it. I have always been bigger than a lot of my classmates and even now I’m in no way built like a Victoria’s Secret model. Also, keep in mind that I’ve never been clinically obese or severely overweight. Got it? Cool.

Enter My Mom. She has been on my case to lose weight for as long as I remember. I admit, there were times when I was particularly chonky, but that’s beside the point. I remember being 8-9 years old when she spent over 15 minutes ridiculing and calling me out on how my spandex gym tights made noises as my thighs rubbed together during our uphill walk around the residential estate. She was also and still is, fond of pinching my “love-handles” (in quotes because if I remember “You can’t even call them love handles because you have nobody loving you.”),  with her long-ass, sharp nails whenever they appeared over the waistband of my pants.

(I’m not bitter or anything)

Essentially, 8-year-old me was told to lose weight enough times to try. I ate the food they gave me, and only what they gave me, and went on walks occasionally with My Mom (which I despised because I really didn’t leave the comfort of my room to be berated by my birth giver). I even started taking netball more seriously and started athletics training. What I also started doing was paying close attention to the bodies of girls around me and playing spot the difference. Not too long afterwards I learned to hate clothes shopping and hide in group photos. When I look through photo albums and my parent’s phone galleries now, it’s plain to see that I was an Olympic grade camera dodger.

Fast forward a few years. Now I’m 11-12 years old. I’ve grown taller and older, so my weight distribution has changed, but I’m still not skinny. My Mom is still on me to lose weight, even more so now that I’m older and maturing into “womanhood” because apparently, it is a crime to wear pants only a few sizes smaller than your mother of similar body structure and lesser height. Now that I’m older and more educated, I’ve realized that even though I was playing a sport and jogging and going for aerobics with my mom occasionally, I won’t get skinny unless I change my diet. In fact, there was a time when some government nurses came to do regional health checks at school and some data included body weight (there was a crowd around me when it was my turn to hop on the scale. The boys laughed, I went to the bathroom and cried. But it’s all good). The nurses then asked me questions about stuff like the bread we had at home, if I ate junk food or added sugar, stuff like that. That’s when it clicked. It clicked real hard.

A typical school lunch packed by My Mom comprised a hotdog/ham sandwich/homemade burger, a packet of chips/crisps and a juice box or Tropica when she was feeling generous. Which is what my brothers and a lot of my friends were packing to school with no problems: but I’m not built like those people so I can’t eat like them, right? The lunch had to go. And go it did. And so did pretty much all my other regular meals.

If My Mom was distracted with getting ready for work, I’d ditch breakfast and lie about it, then hop onto the school bus. Getting rid of the stuff in my lunchbox wasn’t too difficult to do because I had friends who were happy to help. This meant that for the first 12 hours of the day all I had was a juice box or nothing at all. It worked. My Mom noticed and complimented my improved physique along with a handful of relatives. But was I skinny? Not even.

Then came the Google searches. “How to lose weight quickly” “How to get skinny” “How to get a thigh gap” “How to lose thigh fat fast” Just to name a few.

That’s when I discovered the infamous pro-anorexia community. Or should I say that’s when they found me? I’m not too sure.

Over the school holidays, I started with the so-called “K-pop” diets and did YouTube workouts every night with more consistency than my prayer life. Two boiled eggs for breakfast, some milk for lunch (which was disastrous because apparently, I’m lactose intolerant), and for dinner… water, with or without lemon or tea. It really depended on the day. Not that hard to get away with, really. When the fat girl says they’re not hungry, who are you to force them?

But I couldn’t lose weight fast enough. Sure, slowly killing myself was working, but was I skinny? Nah.

So, I turned to “thinspo” and “pretty girl diet” challenges and "pro-ana" coaches to guide me. (If you're somebody who thinks it's okay to coax children into dangerous eating disorders and potentially death, you deserve a chair. But make it electric. Periodt.) My stomach was flattening, and my pants came on a lot easier, but the truth was I was utterly miserable. Getting skinny was all I thought about. And I’m not talking about Victoria’s Secret model skinny, I got to a point where I was jealous of the science lab skeleton, no jokes. Food wasn’t food anymore; it was just numbers and macros. I was always dizzy and cranky and my hair was falling out and even though I had done it for long enough to overcome the hunger pangs, there was a new pain, one that manifested in my chest and couldn’t be treated with sleep or Panado. I was the only one on holiday for three months, so nobody noticed.

I was twelve when I first tried to off myself with prescription drugs. All because I couldn’t be skinny and in my head that meant I couldn’t be pretty, or loved, or befriended. I woke up after a 8-hour “nap” to find that nothing had changed.

Why am I exposing myself by telling this story?

If you’re a parent or sibling or anyone who cares for a child who you think needs to lose weight for whatever reason (hopefully for health-related reasons, not purely aesthetics), please do not leave them to their own devices. They will search for authoritative guidance elsewhere, and the wrong people may find them. People who prescribe oxygen as a meal plan and perpetuate the notion that if you can pinch at your flesh, then you are ugly and will remain ugly until you are feather-light. Despite being one of the smartest kids in my grade, I still fell for it. (Update: I’m still not skinny. I probably only fucked up my metabolism and lost hair. -100/10, would not recommend to my worst enemy.)

Good news is at some point I got sick and tired of feeling the way I did. My suicide attempt failed miserably but instead of trying again, I uninstalled all my calorie counter and fitness apps, tossed all my magazines in the trash and talked to my mom and made it a point to talk to friends more, especially those who understood in some way or another. The Body Positivity movement was rising, and that helped a lot. Big ups to all the lovely people on YouTube who post videos on #recovery.

But experiences like this don’t just go away. You don’t forget and move on. I still have relapses, I still feel insurmountable guilt after eating, I still feel like I would rather eat baked rat than gain weight, I still go through binge-restrict cycles. All stemming from events that happened over 8 years ago.

My Mom had some level of good intention, I won't disregard that. People on her side of the family suffer from chronic illnesses that can all be prevented if not managed better through proper diet and exercise and she doesn't want her kids developing high blood pressure at age 13. Fine, I get it. But damn.

If you can avoid doing this to yourself or someone impressionable in your life, please do. Model healthy behaviours for your kids to adopt and talk health; not snatched waistlines, not thigh gaps nor scale readings. Teach your kids not to base the entirety of their worth on their appearance. And do not, under any circumstances, body shame them.

Please?

Once again, a lot of what is here is based on personal experience and opinion (‘coz it’s my blog, duh’). If you have separate ideas or any disagreements, bring them up in the comments or email me. I love a good debate.

Also, if you currently relate to anything mentioned in this post, take this as your sign to get better. Trust me, you're worth it.

xoxo

Erika

[schizo-spoon-blog]

Spoonbender Society: Selected Schizoepistles

FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:

We Live In A Society

People say we live in a democracy/democratic republic, a form of government intended to amplify what people think and address problems they find to be important. But it doesn’t ever seem to function that way.

The issue is in voter suppression, but as always not in the way people generally think voter suppression works. The issue is psychic, spiritual, and social suppression of citizens. Systemic over-development of senses of rationalization, neuroticism and anxiety, industrially incentivized narcissism.

People develop a deathly fear of what others think, or may think, or what they may have thought about them or what they think, what they may think, or what they may have thought.

A democracy where we’d rather not hear what other people have to say, because we find their thoughts offensive and retarded. That’s one thing people are happy to share. But because we suspect that there are so many offensive retards in the world, we fear... "Perhaps I’m a retard too?" You wonder that even for just a second in your life, if you have a soul. It’s OK to be a retard really, but you’ll never believe that it’s OK, and that's probably What Your Fucking Problem Is.

The opinions of us purported non-retards, to avoid sounding like complete retards, end up soft, ambivalent and stale, phrased like True Neutral Orgasm in Ego-Death Nirvana, but less Chad, less gratifying, and nobody cums. To not be reminded of the possibility of our own retardation, we like to pretend that if the retards just shut up and nobody can hear them, they go away. If they are Physically Removed from our presence, their evil thoughts and their malicious intentions will go away with them. We win. But they don’t. They never do.

We always fail to Psychically Remove them. We lose.

We can hypothesize a law of conservation of hatred, correlate one too of love, but the truth is banal. How can it be in light of our timeline? Why are these Hate Groups all over the place? Hitler’s corpse is rotting or burned to a crisp, or embalmed in a tomb or made a toilet for Some Rich Dude ((parenthetical removed)). (Or was he cloned?)

Great Fatherland Germany - defeated by the "untermensch" and partitioned like a cheese between rats. That Great "Faustian" and "Supreme" "Aryan" Race is subjugated by the hated "Juden" and all the "vermin" of the world, humiliated, castrated to be reunited a shadow of its former self. Yet the Nazi threat is omnipresent nearly a century later, in an era which may be an alien planet to those who lived in Hitler’s time.

How is it that the Great Allies, our fathers and grandfathers, achieved such total victory over so loathsome a foe, so unsympathetic and vile, only to see his Evil infect their own countrymen and posterity? How can something so thoroughly defeated still persist in what could be our neighbors or our co-workers our bosses or our employees? Each one could be a secret Nazi now. In parenting blogs moms worry that their children are becoming Nazis from goofy men they see in videos on line. Marriages are ending in divorce because the husband or wife is allegedly or apparently a Nazi. How could this happen?

Have you ever seen “The Matrix? Who hasn’t? You know all about the red and blue pills, and all the rainbow-flag DLC that it comes with, black and pink and green and brown and in configurations invisible to the human eye, I’m sure. If you don't know, the pills are portals to different realities. Take the black pill and you only see death, take the white pill and everything’s alright, take the blue pill you vote for Hillary, take the pink you become genderqueer. But this is not about taking any pills. This is about going off your meds. Going straight edge - except for whiskey, cigarettes, cocaine and pussy. It’s about the spoon - no, not for shooting up. It's for bending - with your mind. Remember? That spoon - The Spoon That Isn’t There.

That spoon is a Nazi.

If you are aware that there is no spoon you can tie it into knots. You can make it into a balloon animal. That Nazi Spoon could be a Jewish Socialist from Vermont, or a kosher Brooklyn Zionist, or a Dominican Taxi Driver. It could be an evil copy of your own son from Bizzaro World. It's probably your uncle. It could be Rottweilers, and Chihuahuas. Whether Pitbulls are Nazis or Jews/Blacks is an ongoing debate in the contemporary discourse.

But imaginary shit can be whatever the hell you want. You don’t have to be "The One" to Bend the Spoon. You don’t have to be anyone at all. What was the name of the kid who said the line about the spoon again? Nobody knows, nobody cares, and that's the beauty of Spoonbending.

"The Nazi" is the guy who keeps talking when he should shut up. He might be autistic, but he could just be an asshole. There is a strong possibility he could be both. Why does he keep saying all of this ridiculous stuff? He’s more offensive and more retarded than the usual, but it feels like He Has To Be This Way. Like it’s his curse, He Knows Too Much. He fell down some rabbit hole and ended up gorged on Fascist Propaganda. He mentions some girl named Celine. He rambles on about some guy you’re pretty sure is a Tekken character... the guy who turns into the Devil maybe. He mentions a vacation in Turkey with his family but insists on saying Constantinople and there’s a wild-man tear in his eye. He insists he knows about Atlantis and calls you gay for saying you liked Aquaman. Instead of saying goodbye he says “Subscribe to Pewdiepie.” The Nazi belongs in an institution. You wonder if he has guns and if maybe he should have them taken for a while. He probably doesn’t, but you can’t be sure. He’s 12.

When is it too early to become a school shooter? Is 12 too early to be an incel?

12 is probably the age at which incels hatch from their human hosts.

“Who is Pewdiepie, and how has he groomed my nephew into the Hitler Youth?” many families today are asking. They think they’re looking at a spoon. Conditoning fills your heart with a desperate desire to see the spoon. A fact, pure fact, logical, reasonable, peer reviewed, widely accepted, So True, a Textbook Fact. The spoon. Everyone else sees it too. That goddamn Nazi Spoon.

You ever try to ask this at a party as an ice-breaker and see how the guests react?

“So, anyway, was The Holocaust Real?”

“Excuse me, what?”

“What do you think, was it real, how many people do you think died, don’t the gas chambers sound goofy to you?”

”Um… no… they don’t sound goofy. What are you talking about?”

“You ever hear about the Nazi Roller-coaster they had at one of the camps? They’d put Jews into a roller-coaster except they’d fly off the edge and get splattered. That’s how the Nazis killed ‘em. I swear. I read it in a book by a Holocaust Survivor. Impossible to believe if it weren’t so True. No shit. You hear about that?”

”I’m… gonna get another beer.”

Of course there’s a Correct answer to that initial question. It’s also the Right answer. Who would ever get this wrong? It's the 2+2=X of History. Well…

Pop-Quiz, Random Nazi Check, Anybody here Hate Jews? You a Groyper, Son? What’s so funny? You think the Cookie Monster committing genocide is a laughing matter boy? We don’t take kindly to your kind around here.

Maybe you should give the Nazi-check thing a try, it’ll separate sheep and goat real easy for you.

If you do this everyone will think you are The Nazi.

The Nazis hated Jews, but did they hate real Jews as Jews exist, or did they hate the Fascist Propaganda Jew who was a work of fiction? On that note, were you in love with your last failed relationship, or just pretending you were? Have you ever had one impression of a person, but then learned they were another kind of person entirely? That first impression you had, the one that wasn’t True, was that a Real Person, or Imaginary? But you still spent all that money and sweat on an imaginary girl, huh?

Hope her hole was real.

I think that fake bitch of an ex you dated was a nazi. Your ex was a fascist. Oh, was she Jewish? It doesn’t matter, changes nothing. I’ve never met her - wouldn't matter if I did. When I imagine her, she's in Hugo Boss black and got skull-and-bones on her officer's cap, and she's saying racial slurs as she ruins your life, cheats on you, drains your bank account and kills your dog after getting custody over it in court. I imagine all bad people this way. All women who rejected me were exactly like this.

But I must breach working-class anti-fascist solidarity, and admit, on That Question ("Would you?").... Yeah, I would. Sorry bro. Take me away Comrades, I admit it, I'd give it to that Nazi Jew raw. Would I do that to her as she exists, or the Fascist Propaganda her who is a work of fiction?

That depends. You still got her number?

haha it's ok you can call me an incel, it's a step up from what i actually am

(User was banned for this post.)

The Nazi and the Fascist aren’t my hallucinations. That’s not my mental illness. But it’s adjacent to me, it’s thrown at me without my Consent, and it's a Trigger. I'm paranoid about commies myself.

In the multicultural cyberpunk year of 2019, with its trans-human gender-sex-orientations, anti-racist ethno-narcissism, fanatic anti-normalism, cultish critical theory intersections, grand byzantine minimalism, placidity, in such splendid predatory banality… In the absolute state of the world! – Aah! An undead ideology conceived by a salty Frenchman in the badlands of South Dakota in the 1890s shambles forth the devour all that is Good and Holy in the Great United States of AmeriKKKa, God Help Us All! And A Child Will Lead Those Dreadful Legions of Corruption Upon All The Meek Of Our Fallen World!

Or it’s just a spoon that isn’t real.

Nobody wants to be straight-forward, and I gotta navigate the labyrinths of euphemism. Maybe there's something weird going on - how people talk, how people act, how people think, none of those correlate to each other. It makes you feel schizo when you do all your mental rain-man calculus and realize there's a fucking Elephant in the living room and he's not wearing any goddamn pants. Once that little ray-of-sunshine blesses your tiny bug-man brain to enlighten you that the elephant is real, and the spoon isn't, it's only a matter of time before you're crowned in tinfoil a Potato King on your off-grid Bug-out estate in the Idaho Panhandle, or start drinking yourself to death and bullying mailmen (or both).

If you'd like to avoid that sort of Elephant-Mania Spoon-denialism, maybe you should try answering Uncomfortable Question instead of being so Weird about it, oh wise Mr. Kirk, Mr. Shapiro, Mr. Talking-Head, Mr. Important-Guy, Mr. Movement, Mr. Politics, Mr. Voice of Reason, Mr. Metatron. Take it from a schizo-maniac with a manifesto, you’re freaking out the hoes.

Try Praeger U talking points out on a Tinder date and watch her shrivel up from instathot to instahag -- she will go through menopause before your very eyes, that's how dry her pussy will get. Trying not to sound racist while talking about the Antarctic Nazi base and the importance of craniometry in ethnocultural anthropology will get you more action than anything that sounds like a paraphrase of Charlie Kirk -- because even if you're still being cringe at least you aren't being fake. Point and laugh at that fucking elephant - the moron isn't even wearing pants! That'll get her thinking about taking your pants off. Or not - it's not foolproof. If she doesn't laugh, red-flag, she's a Nazi so Begone Thot!

Please, for the love of God, go off-script! See the damn elephant and forget the spoon, and forget the wise Mr. Kirk, Mr. Shapiro, Mr. Talking-Head, Mr. Important-Guy, Mr. Movement, Mr. Politics, Mr. Voice of Reason, Mr. Metatron. Take it from a schizo-maniac with a manifesto, you'll go insane if you don't.

[. . . ] [T]hen there's that neuroticism, that narcissism, that fear. The whole point of these politics groups and gatherings and Q&As is what, anyway? Is it really just basic marketing tactics, like a live-action advertisement you expect for people to passively consume as though it is persuasive? To shove free-markets and free-speeches down my throat and have me swallow it without having anything that’s been bothering me answered? What do I look like to you, an Ideology Whore? You don't even reciprocate a good time, huh? I'm not that kind of girl. You didn't even buy me dinner. You made me pay to bore me. I'd cuck you if we dated just to make a very important point -- fully aware it'll go over your head. Fuck you.

We gotta hear The Script. We gotta recite The Script.

Real Conservatives Think Like This. Real Progressives Think Like This. White People Walk Like This. Black People Walk Like This.

Gotta hear that joke ten thousand times so you can recite it like a mantra in your sleep.

Free markets mean free people. Facts don’t care about your feelings. Private Companies can do what they wish. What you do in your bedroom is your own business. We want legal immigration, not illegal.

Abolish ICE. Your childhood hero says Trans-Rights. Do you not want me in the movement? Abolish whiteness.

The Racism of Lowered Expectations.

Reparations.

A white nation.

Workers of the world unite!

Abortion is a human right.

Have you got it memorized?

Let’s go over it a few more times.

Say it with me! Hillary was found innocent in a hundred hearings and it is sexist to besmirch her reputation.

Repeat after me! Trump’s economy is the best in history, and if he's racist why is black unemployment is at historical lows.

You benefit from unearned privilege. You suffer from toxic masculinity.

The world is about to end and everything you know and love will die, and it is your fault, for not believing in the correct things at the correct time.

Are you laughing yet?

I’m dying. I feel like an e-girl, and my orbiters are sides.

But do you wanna know what I really think? The whole bit about psychic and social suppression? You ever hear about the Procrustean bed? Well, what if we put your political, social, moral consciousness and your psychic abilitys into a bed like that. We could talk about it. You ever play Xenogears?

Or you could just put me in a box. I really wouldn't mind. I'm Houdini. Hey, was Houdini a Nazi, like Henry Ford? Can we get a fact-check? I didn't mean to be problematic.

Break the Conditoning - Step outside the box, and use it as a step ladder. Ascend, Beyond the Box - use The Spoon.

Bush did 9/11, the Israeli’s danced, the Aliens killed JFK - sure - but I only say this because of my MK Ultra Schizo-brain. It’s true, it’s false, it’s fact, it’s myth, I don’t have to believe any of it -- I also don't have to believe any of you if I don’t want to. My feelings do not care about your facts, and did you know that some of the world's most uncomfortable facts are manifested into being by uncomfortable feelings? Is it the fact of the bullet that kills the political dissident, or the feelings of his executioner? Is it the deranged lust of the rapist that violates his victim, or the fact of his power to do so? I guess it depends on whether the perpetrator said "nothing personnel kid" before he committed the act. I don't know about that Nazi Rapist's feelings, but MY feelings are valid and I can believe or disbelieve whatever I want on the basis of my feelings, and my feelings alone. My feelings bend the spoon of your facts.

Are you going to say I don’t have the right, Adolf? Sucks for you, bud, I may be a commie by blood, but the heart that pumps it was assembled in the ole USA -- and we got the Right to be a Retard here in America. It's a Free Country.

[Note: please insert image of Jonathan Frakes from Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction]

Now that the dust has settled: Was the Nazi Roller-Coaster Real? Or did we put the Truth in a Mass-Grave? We will let you know at the conclusion of our program.

Sincerely and Full of Suffering Your Friend Always, Orcbrand

[dontcallmejules]

Made this a while ago and never posted it... Meet Zui.

What is their full name?

Zui. That's it.

In detail describe how they look

5'11, slender, slight athletic build yet considered on the waifish side. Dusky, smooth complexion with gray tones.  Erratic, un-combable, silver-white hair that stands out in a crowd, hence the hood.

How old are they?

Mid to late twenties? Age unknown.

What clothes do they like to wear?

Black/gray/purple muted tones. Suede. Things that hide in a crowd and make no sound.

Any piercings? 

A lot.

Do they have any other jewelry they wear?

Necklace coils in pure silver. A favorite stolen item from foreign royalty visiting Vesuvia.

Any tattoos? No

What do they smell like?

Clove, ash, and vanilla.

What are their four trinkets? Questionably stained dagger. Half empty whiskey bottle. Wanted poster that looks nothing like her. A pouch full of stolen trinkets.

GOVERNMENT MANDATED FERSONA No.

What kind of magic are they good at? Illusion/invisibility. Control of localized wind bursts and whirlwinds. Some healing magic comes in handy.

What kind of magic are they bad at? Love and happiness spells, earth magic, accurate tarot readings.

Of the four, six or seven magical elements which are the most connected to? Four: fire, air water earth. six: fire, air, water, wood, earth, metal. Seven: fire, air, water, wood, earth, metal, aither. Air

What does their gateway look like prior to their memory loss?  What does it look like afterward? A dark, lonely, narrow collection of alleys in an unnamed city.  Calm with a light drizzle of rain.  Zui hasn't seen it since after the memory loss so she wouldn't know what it looks like post-memory loss.

Do they have a familiar? If they do. What type of animal is it? What is it’s name? Is it still around after they lost their memory? A minuscule, snow gray rat named Rat. He's still around after the memory loss although she doesn't know he's her familiar. Zui goes days without seeing Rat. When he's around he likes to stick close by and prefers naps in the base of her hood. He's much older than a rat should be and, although she's seen him injured or possibly killed numerous times, Rat always returns unscathed.  

Have they ever cursed someone? Cursed their names, yes. Physically harmed them, yes. However, cursed magic has consequences not worth dealing with.

How do they handle those headaches/migraines? Drinking. Sex. More drinking.

What tarot card do they connect the most with? The Moon, Upright: unconscious, illusions, intuition.

Where were they born? She doesn't know. Assumes somewhere in the slums of Vesuvia.

What is their favorite color? Plum purple.

What is their least favorite color? Orange. Yellow. Anything bright and offensively cheerful.

What were they like as a child? Quiet, fast, smart. She learned how to pickpocket to survive.

What were their parents like? Parents?

Do they have any siblings? If the answer is yes how many? Probably, who knows.

Do they have any other relatives they are close with? Doesn't know any relatives and really isn't close to anyone anyway.

What are they afraid of? Showing weakness. Growing attached to another person. The majority of her own emotions.

What do they identify as? She/Her

Do they have any allergies? Nothing so far... except stupidity.

Do they have any other medical problems? Headaches, insomnia, night terrors, sleepwalking, and memory loss, obviously.

What about mental health issues? Distrust of anyone. Promiscuous. Alcoholic.

What’s their personal hygiene regimen like? Near religious. Prefers to bathe in streams with scented soaps and herbs she carries on her person at all times unless there's a high-quality spa available... then she's all over that.

Favorite rock or gemstone? Amethyst, granite, the crooked cobblestones of Vesuvia.

Favorite tree? The weeping willows that line streams outside of Vesuvia with their wispy, ground-sweeping branches and long, slender leaves. Great for afternoon naps.

Favorite type of weather? Overcast and either cool, damp, or both.

Least favorite type of weather? Dry summer heat.

What is their favorite season? (remember winter is summer and spring is fall) Whenever the weather is mild and the sun not beating down.

How many languages could they speak before the memory loss? How many do they currently speak? Understands one yet can't speak it. Speaks some important phrases of another. Speaks fluent Vesuvian.

Do they sing or play any instruments? She sings quietly to herself. What do they tend to joke about? Dark sense of humor. Or sarcasm. Both. After a stressful day, how do they relax? A drink, someone attractive to sleep with, a long, quiet bath. Guilty pleasures? Everything. Idiosyncrasies? Will silently appear next to you. Whether by magic or practiced stalking of the city streets. One minute she's absent, the next, looming over you.  Her height and slightly disconcerting presence make this alarming to some. How do they act when they first meet someone new? Hesitant, guarded, quiet besides bad jokes. How quickly do they warm up to them? Slowly. Very slowly. Unless they click, then too fast. In what order would they prioritize Love, fame, money, power, and knowledge? Knowledge, money, power, love, fame. List four or more things they love to do Drink, get a full night's rest, wander through Vesuvia's bustling markets, fuck. List four or more things they hate to do Pay any form of a bill. Attend parties. Small talk. Kiss ass. List five or more things they have said that sum up who they are "Ah, I see... you're an idiot." "I would love it if you bought me a drink." "How do I know I can trust you?" "You certainly take yourself very seriously..." "Go away." How do they react to (both verbal and physical) conflict? Verbal: Stern, silent. Off-putting smile.  A very sharp tongue and no qualms. Physical: Fast, sleek, uses magic to avoid injuries let alone contact at all. Terrible to fight as you can never get a shot in. Disarms first then threatens until the offender gives up.  If her adversary doesn't give up, they get hurt.  If the injury is serious, they get fed to the palace eels.

What kind of bad habits do they have? All of them. Just list the seven deadly sins, well, besides gluttony.  Never quite got the hang of that one. What kind of character faults do they have? All of them, or at least she feels she does. Swears, does not fit into social standards, steals to survive, uses sex as a tool and a weapon, vain, prideful. What’s their best trait in their opinion? Stubborn and strong-willed. Entirely resilient in all situations.  Fearless. What do they think of their appearance? Vanity is a large part of her life. She uses looks to her advantage in all situations. How do they interact with people in a position of authority? Is mindful of authority to the point they'd rather not get killed for pissing off the wrong courtesan. Otherwise completely ignores authority and social statuses to a fault. Who did they look up to as a kid? The older, more skilled child thieves on the streets. She also saw their flaws and learned from their mistakes. How do they interact with kids? She doesn't. Do they want kids of their own someday? She doesn't. Are they religious? If so what god/goddess or gods/goddesses do they worship? She is still waiting to see a sign of actual "higher" life. What do they think the meaning of life is? There is none. What would they want their last words to be? Hopefully nothing foolish. What do they want to do before they die? Live a full life. What/how do they want to be remembered for after they die? She doesn't expect to. How do they express affection? Protective to a fault. If it's romantic affection she can be fairly obsessive and will tail them around the city to learn their routine. Super attentive and great gift giver. However, she gets bored easily and may ghost at the drop of a hat. What do they normally eat for breakfast? Whatever is fresh on the market to snatch that day. Unless in a mood, then liquor. Do they like spicy food? If it's free. Favorite fruit and or vegetable? The ones that "roll off" the cart and accidentally make their way into her bag. Do they like sweets? Easy to pocket, so of course. Do they drink alcohol? Do fish swim? If they do, what do they act like when they are drunk? Tipsy: calm, relaxed. Drunk: flirtatious and more aggressive. Dead drunk: fights whoever is near or just naps it off. How do they take their tea/coffee? Spiked. What food would they refuse to eat? Anything rotten or dirty. Brings back too many memories of childhood. Is there anything they eat that most people would find unappealing? Eel, snake, anything charred to a crisp and served on a stick is fair game. When going on the road what food could they not live without? Bread and dried meat travel well. What meal gives them a sense of nostalgia? Fresh berries, a favorite as a kid and easy to pluck off the bushes outside the city. What do they do when no one’s around? Wander aimlessly, enjoying the silence. Check her bags to see what loot has been recently acquired. How would they react if a prized possession got stolen? Vengeful. She would retrieve the item at all costs and take as much of the thieves possessions as possible for their foolish actions. Depending on the item, she may take more than just their belongings. What’s the first thing they would buy if they won the lottery? Liquor. A new, more inconspicuous bag or two. A few nights in one of Vesuvia's luxury spas... or luxury brothel. What would their favorite modern invention be? Air conditioning and running water. In a new unfamiliar place, what do they do? Properly assess the situation. Learn the layout of her surroundings and the patterns of the residents. Proceed with caution. Someone just threatened them what do they do? Depends on the person, the threat, and the situation. Usually, just smile. A rather well rich looking woman just dropped her purse and didn’t notice. What do they do? Enjoy the free dinner, expensive liquor, and additional purchases made with whatever gold and jewelry are in the bag. Plant the empty, stolen bag on an enemy. Watch what happens next while eating free snacks. What’s the worst thing someone has said to them? "I know you actually care." What is the strangest thing they’ve ever come across? She once stumbling upon Count Lucio in one of Vesuvia's worse-off brothels enjoying a harem of filthy whores representing all shapes, sizes, sexes, and creeds... all wearing only goat masks and braying like barnyard animals.  The Count invited Zui to join. She did not. Luckily this memory is currently lost. Let's hope it stays that way. Someone just stole food from them what do they do? Retrieve the food. If the thief ate it, still retrieve the food out of principal and dispose of the critically wounded offender with the palace's handy, dandy eels. They meet a man at a crossroads. The man says they can have everything they’ve ever wanted. What happens next? Seduce the man. Take everything he has. Leave him drunk and pantsless in a field nearby. As a child what would they say they wanted to be as an adult?  ie. When I grow up I’m going to be _______ Never filthy and shoeless again. What’s their D&D alignment? Chaotic Neutral. What is the stupidest thing they’ve ever done? Fell in love. Made friends. Things that can get you in trouble. Have they ever got in trouble with the law or been arrested? Illusion magic comes in handy... so no, not yet. Do they know how to win a fight? Always. Are they good at hand to hand combat? Quick and skilled at disarming/subduing foes. Have they ever stolen something? Is this a joke question? Have they ever killed someone? No, but those eels certainly have. What/who do they find disgusting? Brown-nosers. Family life. Status. Body odor. What upsets them the most? Being exposed as having human feelings. Body odor. What anime character would they be? What is Anime? What Disney character would they be? What is Disney? What monster would they be? Humans are monsters enough. What mythological figure would they be? The invisible kind. List three songs that you associate with them. "World in My Eyes" Depeche Mode / "Rid Of Me" PJ Harvey / "IOU" Wolfsheim The more adult round What kind of gift would they be the happiest about receiving from a lover? The lover naked, possibly holding a fresh bottle of bourbon. Are they an easy lay? Nothing is ever easy with them. If it appears easy, she's probably stolen all your items and left before you could blink. Major turn-ons. Sarcasm, a sharp wit, intelligence, clean and well-manicured individuals who smell amazing. Major turn offs Crude comments, arrogance, bad hygiene, vile body odors. Erogenous zones? Wouldn't you like to know? Who are they romantically interested in? This Julian fellow who seems to be conveniently wherever she is. The Countess also comes to mind.  Plus there's this woodsman type although she’s currently forgotten his name. How do they interact with someone they're romantically interested in? Sly jokes, inappropriate comments at appropriate times, a lot of bodily contact. Where do they like to be kissed? Everywhere and anywhere. Do they like cuddling? She likes touching in general so- Big spoon or little spoon? Big spoon. What traits do they look for in a lover? Fast whit, sharp tongue, does not restrict her, reliable, generous. How many past relationships have they had? If one-night-stands count, too many. If they don't, not enough. How many people have they had sex with? Enough to know what she likes and really, really doesn't. Giving or receiving? Yes, please. Top, bottom or verse? Top, usually. Sub dom or switch? Never a sub.

[eerythingisshaka]

I made this post on Monday, and just now got around to edit and post

I’m basically going through the whole plot of Endgame and how I felt, I just had to hammer it out.   If you haven’t seen it yet, please come back when you have! First things first, I did not cry!  I feel like I’m in the minority, and I swear I am a devoted MCU fan and love Tony and Cap and them, but I did not cry and I’m so disappointed with myself!  I got more emotional thinking about it in the days leading to the premiere than I did while viewing.  I think it was too entertaining for me to find it sad?  Not like movies I cry at aren’t entertaining but the action and substance was making my nerd heart pitter patter so much, I was over the moon and couldn’t come down.  I will say though, ever since watching Endgame, every past Marvel movie makes me somewhat emotional.  This whole thing is like a high school graduation, like I’m never gonna see my friends together again like this, an era is over!  All I have are memories, aaaaggghhhh!

That being said. the movie grips me from the beginning with the song Dear Mr. Fantasy by Traffic.  Marvel has some pretty good picks for songs to set the tone for their movies, to this day this song kinda pulls at my heart strings because of its message 

 Dear Mr. Fantasy play us a tune

Something to make us all happy

Do anything, take us out of this gloom

So of course, we all felt this way with the ending of Infinity War, having so many of our faves being sacrificed to dust for Thanos’ plan of rectifying what he saw as the decrepit state of the universe.  Walking away from part one with the villain winning was a fresh slap to my face and a year of agony to find out how the heroes pull this off in the end.  Take us out of our gloom Marvel! 

And the characters must feel the same, as the film opens with Clint and his daughter doing some archery in their yard as a very American lunch of mayo and mustard hot dogs are being served.  As his daughter Lilah is putting things away, Clint calls out to her only to see dust and turns again to his family with the same result.  So much for freedom from our gloom, right?  In case you somehow forgot, this little scene gives us a friendly reminder of what we were left with in 2018.  If that’s not enough, Nebula and Tony playing the little hand goal, paper flick game that is just darling to witness.  Nebula plays like a rehabilitated puppy still unsure about being around humans as Tony instructs her like a child on every development of the game.  Her little perk up when he announces her win is so cute as they shake hands, finally sealing her character development from ruthless, blood-thirsty appeaser of a sadistic father, to a more stoic, regretful soft spoken but hoarse matured version of herself.  All the while, Tony is beginning to starve from being malnourished and depleting oxygen.  Nebula sets him in a piloting chair as he drifts off, losing consciousness until the homie we have all assumed would be coming appears as a glow in his irises, Carol Danvers aka Captain Marvel.  

Carol flies the ship back to Tony’s compound where Cap, Rhodey, Natasha, and Pepper wait for him to descend.  We get a moment with him and Cap that is sweet as Cap walks him down, Tony tells him he lost Peter Parker, an obviously huge loss for this to be the first thing he mentions.  The warmth is lost quickly though as the next step of Tony’s grief comes afoot: anger and finger pointing.  Tony, on an IV and all, is relentless as he festers in bitterness while lashing out at Cap and company that the fight was lost and even encouraged by Cap because they were together.  This optimism is obviously not enough for Tony, who grows weary of Cap’s positivity, opting that he finish the work alone or that Danvers takes on the task herself before collapsing from exhaustion.

Carol, Thor and the gang have a slight dick measuring contest on kicking Thanos’ ass once and for all before Nebula offers to take them straight to him.  And where is he?  Why on a farm on a planet in the galaxy, nursing his wounds from the snap.   His entire right side is burned to a crisp due to the snap, and at the same time has obliterated the stones much to their dismay.  Thor wastes no time in chopping off Thanos’ head, a little too late but satisfying none the less.  However, in the end, the stones are nowhere to be found, the last person to have them is dead, and no one from the snaps is back yet.  Cue music!

So, the gloom we are supposed to be rescued from, when does that start right?  Not for another five years according to a time lapse card.  Our heroes have no means of figuring out the solution to the snap; Cap forms a support group for survivor’s, Natasha has grown out her blonde hair and is constantly checking in on happenings around the world, and universe since the snap, jumping at even the mention of an earthquake.  Rhodey briefs her on a terrible killing spree of gang members that appear to have a style that is well known to them as Clint Barton’s aka Hawkeye.  Despite Rhodey’s hesitance Natasha insists he keeps an eye on him, inferring that she may track him down eventually.  (Quick side note here, something to be seen as a possible plot flaw:  Hawkeye’s bloodlust and disregard for lives after losing his whole family in the snap isn’t dug into very deeply after this.  Rhodey said it’s so bad he didn’t even wanna find him!  But there wasn’t any in fighting or push back after that between them.  He has one instance of almost interacting with his family on a test run for time travel which is against the rules, but other than that he isn’t killing people recklessly or even triggered to tears or drinking incessantly over his loss.  But more on Thor in a minute). 

If it hadn’t been for that rat running across the panel in Scott Lang’s van to activate his return from the Quantum realm who knows how long, if ever, would they figure out the means of traveling back to get the stones.  I was so glad I watched Antman and Wasp right before seeing Endgame, so I knew the van, Cassie, and a little bit about the Quantum Realm.  I’m actually upset that I didn’t realize the realm could be used for their benefit because I was always betting on the Time Stone being the corrector in all this, but anyway.  Scott returns highly confused as he realizes the state of the world since his entrapment in the realm.  Seeing his baby girl become a young lady was a powerful scene to witness, and had my heart dent a little bit, but I held it together.  Soon after that, Scott makes his way to find Cap and Natasha, explaining how 5 years was really five hours for him, so time is different in the realm which could possibly mean something for them getting the dusted back.  At one point in the movie, I’m blanking on which comes first but for now I’ll dive into this bit, we are reintroduced to Bruce Banner as Hulk…as one person.  I completely forgot that we didn’t see Bruce in trailers, which is for this reason.  Comic book followers would know, but there is a iteration of Bruce Banner becoming Professor Hulk, so he functions as his normal scientist self, while also being a big green being.  Oddly enough, it does not take long for me to grow accustomed to The Bruce Hulk hybrid, he is hilarious and sweet and more confident even then he was as a regular man despite his appearance.  He has fans, people love him and this is a far cry from when we are introduced to him in the original Avengers as Nat tracks him down somewhere in Southeast Asia, a nervous wreck loner who is quick to anger.  I could see this Hulk being fanfic fodder, not my cup of tea, but he was just that damn appealing, I could see it.

But even with Bruce’s brain, time travel isn’t exactly hammered down as an absolute possibility so they reach out to another source on the matter.  Which brings me to my love/hate relationship with Tony.  I ADORE that he finally had a baby with Pepper, Morgan “Cussin Queen” Stark.  Tony is living his best life in the natural air in his log cabin, as off grid as he possibly can be before Black Widow, Cap, and Lang pull up to question the possibilities ahead of them.  The strength of his cold shoulder gave me an insatiable chill down my spine.  Tony is the King of Petty, but rarely passive so I was surprised by that moment of mean girl attitude from him.  But luckily he served up something to drink (I’m thinking it’s iced coffee or chocolate milk.  I’m still confused by what that held.)  Tony basically tells them they are crazy and hoping for nothing, because he’s good where he is.  He has his girls and no stress which is honestly what the Avengers always seem to guarantee for him since joining the group with SHIELD under Nick Fury’s insistence years ago.  I do wish I could remember the theories and scientific laws he said would be fucked up with their plan, just to see if they are real ones but also I love when Tony just spouts his knowledge like it’s IKEA instructions.  He makes it seem so simple until you have to break it down, and up until this point Scott seemed like the smartest one on the team but really Tony could’ve been figured this out if he wasn’t so granola now, which is great and happy for him, but he really did give up very quickly.  Once again, probably good reason, self-care.  But still.

Gotta say, I love a selfish Tony though.  Quick shoutout to Robert Downey Jr. in showing his chops by bringing the emotional fortitude to this Disney movie.  The man has been THROUGH IT and has had enough.  Tony only has so much optimism in him that the cheerleading squad can provide before his is completely done and baby was DONE.

But without Tony’s help they test run moving through the quantum realm only to discover what Tony says later, that time kept moving though Scott instead of him moving through time, making him a baby, and old man, a kid again, and back to an adult.  But with a fancy time GPS Tony doctor’s up on the fly after discovering that the group isn’t crazy about the time travel being an option, they are good to go like it’s day one!  (Another side note to Paul Rudd aka Scott Lang giving us much needed comic relief.  I have never laughed so hard at my precious baby trying to eat a taco in my life. Also, Cap’s yeehaw attire in this scene?  The checkered white shirt with his dark jeans pulled up?  Truly save the horse and ride the cowboy instead man.)  

Now at this point we have to check in on Thor, our sweet pirate angel.  How has he fared?  Him, Valkyrie, and the surviving Asgardians establish their own town  on Earth.  Thor and Rocket go to find him, with a preview from Valkyrie of what Thor’s mental state is by the piles of beer kegs outside.  So, when they enter his home, giving a wave to Korg and Miek playing video games on the couch, Thor tumbles out behind Thor and Rocket reaching for another cold on, camera to his back.  By now we can see his hair is overgrown and greasy, and his midsection has a new pair of love handles we aren’t used to seeing on our svelte, brutish god of thunder.  So when he turns around, audience erupts in the theaters, as do I, to see him now looking like a melted ice cream cone with a beer belly that somehow still has some toned abs on top if you look closely, paired with some man titties to complete all billowing over his pajama pants to complete his depression ensemble.  This was more shocking to me than the Hulk/Banner hybrid reveal.  We hadn’t seen an image of Thor outside of him giving Carol Danvers the Stormbreaker scare test in the previews, so thanks for another surprise.  Despite his crumbling emotional stability at even the mention of Thanos’ name (tip of the hat to Chris Hemsworth for making my heartache with every crack in his voice), I have to get on my soapbox and say Thor’s body is beautiful!  He is a supreme King, deliciously made who can still smash any pair of cheeks to ash and dust with the power Mjolnir in each thrust quicker than any counterfeit gauntlet.  Just watch him later on, you’ll see!  I’d have that belly slapping on top of me in a quantum realm millisecond after he takes a shower and attends therapy.  A lil pudge ain’t killed no part of his power, whew.  Don’t make me shout.

Back to plot, with the promise of beer, Thor the Dude tags along to start the plan of going back to retrieve infinity stones.  After a synopsis of each one and where they were located, the crew drums up the plan to retrieve each stone from the past, bring them back to the future to put into a new gauntlet  and snap the other half of life’s creatures back.  This part of the movie is so stellar because if you have watched past Marvel movies (the first Avengers, Gaurdians of the Galaxy, Captain America First Avenger, and Thor Dark World) you will recognize the scenes that are featured with their past selves going through their past-current scenes.  Natasha and Clint go to Vormir for the Soul stone, which I am surprised Nebula did not warn them that someone would have to die to retrieve it.  What if two characters that didn’t love each other went for the Soul stone, is it over and done?  But luckily, or unluckily, Clint and Natasha are able to get the stone with a sacrifice of Natasha’s life (who honestly sacrificed herself but it counted.  And I need so much more clarity on the specs of the soul stone, it ain’t even funny.  Will we ever see what the realm Gamora and Black Widow are in is like?)  These two characters have been last on my list always so the scene was crazy watching them battle back and forth for a chance at ending their lives but the end result didn’t hit my heart but still great.  I kinda would’ve wished little Gamora was there again to talk to us.  

Then Hulk has to go see Ancient One to retrieve the time stone, which she will not relinquish until Hulk says that Strange gave it up willingly.  On his word alone, she gives it to him, sensing the imminent danger that could come that is worse than the alternate reality she faces for not having the time stone with her.  Then Rhodey and Nebula go to Morag for the Power Stone.  So this is the first sign of overall trouble in their plan because apparently having two Nebula’s mix memory frequencies that reveal the whole entire plan to Thanos.  I thought for sure at some point that Nebula’s eye was gonna have to be dug out to ensure the completion of the mission but it winds up that Nebula and Gamora take her hostage before past Nebula takes current Nebula’s place with the crew going back with their stones, none the wiser.  Not even Rhodey gives her a check in like “why did you not come back with me when I jetted back to the future?  what happened?”  Nothing!  The death of Natasha kind of takes precedent over anything else and leave Nebula to finish off bringing Thanos back with her to wreak havoc.  

Lastly, Cap, Tony, and Scott are in New York circa Avengers number 1, fighting the space aliens and keeping Loki from the tesseract.  And I am not exaggerating when I say this part of movie is possibly the greatest cinematic feature I have ever seen, or will ever see my natural life.  You have Tony, creeping in the shadows to get Antman ready to help retrieve the tesseract, all the while admiring Cap’s ass!  He does it, critiquing that his outfit does nothing for his ass, when we all know nothing holds back them cheeks from making an appearance.  Scott, ever the voice of standom, downplays Tony’s critique and coins his rear end as “America’s Ass”.  I EXPLODED.  Ever since Captain America: the First Avenger, I have pined, no, thirsted, nay, LUSTED for that man in Marvel cinema.  He has the BAWDY to be Cap, and never slacks.  I have also always been a big fan of Tony and Cap having a torrid love affair that Marvel refused to implement but teases anytime they stare deeply into each other’s eyes or argue feistily until they are nose to nose, just get a room you two!  Ten points to Gryffindor for feeding the fans what they want!

So, New York is the only place that doesn’t go smoothly, as Cap retrieves the scepter containing the Mind Stone after a quick “Hail Hydra” to throw off the double agent SHIELD opponents from Winter Soldier.  All this time, Tony and Scott lose the tesseract in a freak incident that causes the case to fall into Loki’s vicinity, who picks up the cube and disappears to God knows where.  And it is never figured out where past Loki goes, or what timeline he creates for himself now that he has the tesseract at his disposal with no one to oppose him.  That is another thing I would love to know, all these alternate realities that have been constructed due to them tinkering with time, what happens?  What damage is done to the Ancient One without time?  What does Loki do with space?  How is Jane and Asgard without the reality stone ravaging her?  (Rocket got it btw as Thor got caught up talking to his mother, which was a very sweet scene and really amplified her character for me to love her more than I already had).  But at least Cap got the scepter until he is met with his past Cap, leading to my most favorite fight scene in the MCU.  Something about those two classic suits running at each other with the cacophony of the shields, and current Cap saying some choice expletives now and getting tired of the bullshit while past Cap still has all that giddy up and pure heart and “I can do this all day” attitude is an exceptional treat to be had.  I love Cap’s development, as much as he has stayed the same, he has changed, grown more into his age even, getting weary with the world but never losing his positive outlook, just shifting his focus gradually.  But to correct the tesseract blunder, Tony and Cap go back to 1970 to get the original tesseract from SHIELD in its infancy.  Both Tony and Cap have a soft moment.  Tony see’s his father who talks to him about his expecting wife (aka baby Tony) and Cap sees Peggy again in her youthful glory, panging our heartstrings.  But in the end, the supplies are collected and they move on.

So after they get the stones, they construct the gauntlet out of Tony’s suit Iron man material and it is decided that Hulk must do the snap since gamma radiation is part of the stones and so is he. It is not a simple easy thing as he writhes in pain and burns under the pressure of power but does the snap anyway and successfully brings back half the world.  This win is shortlived once Thanos bombards the compound and sends Nebula off to retrieve the stones.  This is the start of the longest game of flag football/hot potato/rugby adjacent.  Hawkeye has the gauntlet at first as everyone tries to pull themselves from the rubble (side note:  seeing Rocket so distressed shook me.  He is usually so cool and wily, getting out of so much bullshit that his helplessness when he couldn’t breathe almost sent me over).

So since they retrieved the stones, it’s not like they change their past, just create alternate realities.  Once they return them, things go back to normal again.  So Hulk uses the gauntlet to bring back the rest of the population again, we just don’t see them yet until later.  Past Nebula gets killed by current Nebula after Gamora helps current Nebula out to stop Thanos because as we know from Infinity War, Gamora never wanted Thanos to find them all.  Thor, Cap, and Tony all team up to spar with Thanos who was waiting patiently for the gauntlet to be brought to him.  Much to my dismay, the fight is very even, no side truly overpowers the other.  Thor really wants to put in work, but can’t quite get through until Cap does what I have been waiting for since Ultron: HE PICKS UP MJOLNIR!  (which Thor took back from Asgard in his time travel).  Wheew, I coulda passed out when I saw Cap wielding that thing like it’s his the star spangled banner itself, sending lightning down on Thanos, busting him upside his head and all!  I was spent and feeling aftershocks until Thanos gets the upperhand again and bombards his shield with that weak ass helicopter blade sword thing.  It breaks the shield up!  Which is made of vibranium!  THE STRONGEST METAL IN THE UNIVERSE!  This how I know Russo’s were just grasping at straws; the only thing I can say is since Tony made him that one after the snap, he probably used bootleg vibranium because obviously nobody called Wakanda for input on a damn thing to make this mission happen which is a rant I can say on a completely separate post.  Sure, take T’Challa and Shuri in the snap, it’s not like the whole country isn’t composed of melanated geniuses that could give y’all a lesson on quantum physics that would make your central nervous system dry out.  No, don’t call Wakanda to make vibranium anything for y’all to help in the fight, it’s cool cuz y’all didn’t try and clean up anything after shit hit the fan!  I wanted a 10 minute Wakanda clean up scene: I got DUST.  The underutilization of such a great people while at the same time using them frivilously is a *blink blink* mindfuck.  But I digress again!

Once Cap seems to be against the wall, he tightens his shield band around his arm and says slap me bitch.  But before it continues,  Sam gives him a quick “on your left” signaling the return of everyone, with first none other than our Wakandan royalty: T’Challa, Okoye, and Shuri.  Dr. Strange’s portals open up as populations come to join the fight from Gaurdians and Asgard, Wakanda and other Marvel movies.  The fight scene that begins I can’t wait to own at home becuase I know I have to pause and slow motion to capture everything.  Someone said Howard the Duck is in the fight which I HAVE to see. Can you imagine getting your ass impaled by a cartoon space duck? 

The game of keep the gauntlet from Thanos continues as Spiderman, T’Challa, and others all have a go at running the guantlet away from Thanos.  This is a part that I kind of have to think to remember.  I know that Antman and Wasp had to spark up the quantum realm van and I think the plan was to send the gauntlet into it, but I’m not sure.  Eventually Tony is alerted by Strange that the one in 14 million chance at winning is upon them and Tony goes ham to get the gauntlet from Thanos, who nearly succeeds but Tony yeets them off the glove and onto his suit, proclaiming himself as Iron Man one last time before snapping the bad half of the population into obliteration.  All the bad aliens and Thanos dust away, leaving the original population the watch them float away.  However Tony’s sacrifice is his life as he dies after goodbyes from Peter, Pepper and Rhodey.  

The funeral occurs with everyone there, even the kid from Iron Man 3.  This is a really emotional scene, especially seeing Tony left a last message in case of his demise, ending it with telling Morgan “I Said What I Said” Stark that he loves her 3000.  Once again, I almost got choked up there, but it just wouldn’t happen. One thing that took me out were Wakanda’s outfits at the funeral.  All black everything, but the fit and the make of Okoye and Shuri’s dresses?  With the gold accessories????  I can’t mourn when all that beauty is in my face!

And in the end, Cap goes back in time to send the stones back to where they belong but stays in the past to reunite with Peggy, finally bust her open and returns as an old man to give his shield to Falcon and that is it!

I almost got choked up just now thinking about that last scene but I still didn’t cry.  A tear came down when the end credits showed the actors pictures and their signatures of the original Avengers though.  There will never be a better Cap or Iron Man bruh, taking that to my grave.

 I’ve been in this MCU life for just about the whole length of it; watching these amazing superhero action flicks for the fun of it before recognizing the structure of each film forming towards an ending so grand. “You see where you’re going? Now let’s focus on how you get there.” This is a statement that is about to be my mantra for life! This is a huge project for a studio to put together properly, having all of our superheroes in one place, sewn together with the journey of the infinity stones to take out the big purple meanie Thanos who is hellbent on controlling the universe the easy way (50% of all living creatures annihilated) or the hard way (100% gone, starting from scratch).

But Marvel has given me so much great entertainment to look forward to.  Ever since I graduated high school, it’s been the May or November of each year, what’s Marvel putting out next? And it’s gonna be tough not expecting an Avengers film anymore, but I’ll be here for the new build up of superheroes, supporting Black Panther still of course as well.  I will miss the Cap thirst, wardrobe really did their part in this one with the Black sweater, the grey Henley, the yeehaw outfit previously mentioned and EVERY CAP UNIFORM HE HAS WORN!  I love this fucking fandom.  

And now I just wonder where past Gamora went, because she came to the present and “present” Gamora died at Vormir so we have a Gamora alive now but she went MIA, or did she get snapped back when Tony snapped all the henchmen back?  Thor at the end joins the GOTG  or Asgardians of the Galaxy, so I can’t wait to see how they fair in I assume GOTG 3.  How will Falcon do as the new Cap?  What does Bucky do now??  He was the original ride or die for Cap until he became Winter Soldier, but Cap was very forgiving of him in all that.  Yet, his closure seems open for anything, he got no special stuff in the end so maybe more for him?  How is Spiderman and the whole teenage snap population going back to school when it is five years in the future but they are the same age?  Where did Valkyrie keep her Pegasus this entire time?  When Cap went back to Vormir, what was his reunion with Red Skull like?  And what did Thanos do with the stones before they were destroyed?  They said he used them again and that’s how they found him at the beginning but on what? Answer these questions for me please!  

If you made it this far, I love ya 3000 and I owe you cheeseburgers (oh God TONY!!!)

[chocolatemillkk]

New Man (JS)

Request: I think one based on 'New Man' by Ed Sheeran would be a fun concept. Preferably with Jack or Joe? Thanks a lot! 💕

A/N: This was quite fun! Ed's lyrics were hilarious to read through

Part II

"You look like you've just eaten something rotten," Josh says as he tries to find what I'm looking at. He wouldn't see it, not anymore. The crowd swallows them and they disappear with all the other bodies.

"I just saw Y/N with her new man."

"Are they that bad together?" Josh asks.

"So bad it's giving me indigestion," I pick up my beer and try to wash the taste away. I knew getting drunk wasn't getting me any closer to moving on. I'm not sure what would, considering the way Y/N and I broke up. Out of nowhere, she had said she met someone new. She promised nothing happened between them but that didn't make me believe any less that she was with a slimy guy.

The crowd parts enough for me to see him again and his lips mouth the words to the song playing, the vein in his neck bulging as he was probably shouting the words. Idiot. An idiot wearing sunglasses in a night club. Jeez what did Y/N see in him?

"That bloke?" Josh nods towards him. "One with the tattoos."

"Hmph," I snort. "He probably doesn't even know what half of them mean."

Josh chuckles and we watch him in mutual silence. We cringe when he holds up a gang sign to the rap music.

"How did Y/N leave you for him?" Josh scratches his head.

"He's got a six pack and grooms himself like it's his bloody job." I didn't care how petty I sounded.

"She's got better taste than that. Probably just a mid-life crisis or something."

"Josh she bloody 26! That's hardly mid-life. He's just a charming bastard and I was the idiot who pushed her away the last month because she started talking about marriage and the future and-"

"But don't you love her," Josh looks at me. "Were you not planning on marrying her? It's been like four years?"

"Five," I correct him, taking another swig. "I just feel like we're so young. It scared me."

"You of all people aren't getting any younger. Maybe you should talk to her."

"I have," I mutter, making sure Josh couldn't hear. That was the thing, Y/N still messaged me.

The first time was a week after we split, she'd forgotten a scarf at my place and I'd found it in the dryer. I met her halfway, neutral ground, and we ended up talking before we left. Which led to texts, especially late at night. I couldn't figure out what it meant but I knew Y/N was just mixed up. She wasn't this girl. This girl that dated a gym rat who watched what he ate 24/7 and instagramed his cheat meals. She was the kind of girl with her nose in a book and wildflowers picked on her way home from work. I wondered if she still picked flowers for him.

"I should head home-you wanna Uber with me?" Josh suggests.

"I'll head home in a bit," I say much to Josh's dismay. He looks at me wearily, like he was trying to say the right thing.

"Just don't dwell on it too long. You don't want to be a creep standing here staring-"

"Thanks Josh." I cut him off. "I'll see you around."

Josh leaves, grumbling, leaving me alone with my drink-which I'd had a lot of I suddenly realise.

As I make my way to the toilets, I stumble on Y/N alone. Her eyes alight when she sees me and then settle down as she crosses and uncrosses her arms.

"Funny seeing you here," she gives a shy smile.

"In the club I'm always at?" I respond and she looks annoyed.

"No need for the hostility," Y/N rolls her eyes.

"How are you with a guy like him?" I demand in an explosion. Seemed like I wasn't holding back tonight. "Yo-you're the girl reading a book with a packet of crisps not the girl clinging to the arm of a wanker like him!"

"You don't know him," Y/N glares at me. "So stop judging him because you're jealous."

"Jealous?" I laugh. "Of him? Of his plucked eyebrows and bleached arsehole? Because he shares his kale salad with you while the twos of you watch the Kardashians? You think I'm jealous of his tribal tattoos that he's no clue what they mean because he's a bloody white bloke from East London! Wait, no I'm probably jealous of his wannabe wardrobe or that he wears no socks on with his shoes? Yeah, definitely jealous-yeah babe."

"You sure do keep track of a guy you're not jealous of," Y/N says defensively but circles of pink dot her cheeks.

"Because I still fucking care about you! I don't know why you're with him-surely he can't give you the love I give."

"He makes me happy!" Y/N shouts, raising her voice above mine for the first time.

"He-he makes you happy? And I didn't? Is that why you're texting me at night? Why you're here by yourself while he dances away like an idiot out there? Happy? Jesus Y/N I...fuck." I take my frustration out on my hair. I made her happy-I could still make her happy! Why was she so hell-bent on this dick.

She looks teary eyed and I feel guilty so I drag her to the back of the club and she follows despite what I'd said. It makes me realise how lost she really was.

"You're not this girl Y/N...I know the real you not this...kale-eating, fitness-obsessed, Kardashian-zombie. I...if you want to talk you can call me. Any time-I'm all ears for you. If he makes you happy, then be happy but if you're looking for love-I'm still here to give it to you."

"I wanted a different love from you Joe. The kind that came with a ring and a promise and even though I gave you five years of my love you freaked out. He makes me happy okay? Just...just go Joe." Y/N can't look at me, she folds herself inwards and turns away. "I just want to be left alone."

I open my mouth but I can't find the words to tell her I was sorry when I wasn't or that I loved her when I couldn't be in love with her. So I turn and leave.

•••

I'm slumped on my couch a week later, the boys are all over bickering over some game on screen but my eyes are glued to Y/N's new Instagram post. Her new man is lifting her above his head and she's laughing-she looks happy. But the picture looks tacky. I hated that guy.

I click her handle and start scrolling, looking out for the pictures when we were together and were actually happy together. I find one of our hands intertwined as we hold up champagne in cans to the camera. Y/N is obviously drunk by the giddiness in her eyes and the pink on her cheeks. I look at her like she was my everything. She is my everything.

How did I get marrying her to freak me out this much? Why did I run away and let her get away!

"Joe what did you see?" Caspar asks beside me. "It should have been a penalty right?"

"Huh?" I put the phone down. "I guess."

"See!" Caspar shouts.

"He wasn't even paying attention!" Mikey shouts.

My phone vibrates and I can't believe my eyes. It's Y/N.

Wanna go for a drink? Or lunch? I just wanted to see you.

I type quickly before she could change her mind, yes

"Joe!" Caspar says in my ear.

"See-he's not even watching." Mikey points to me.

"What's gotten into you?" Caspar asks.

"He's still broken hearted over Y/N-leave him alone." Josh says with no feeling.

"Aw, do you want to talk about it?" Caspar asks, concern erasing his earlier expression.

"Actually I'm stepping out," I lean away from Caspar. "Byron please make sure the boys don't destroy the place."

"Wait you're leaving?" Jack asks. I make a vague excuse and leave as quickly as I could. Y/N had texted me a nearby pub and I make my way there.

"You came," Y/N looks tired when I see her. When I tell her she gives a small smile, "Haven't been sleeping too well. Stress from work."

"Your manager being an idiot again?"

"More so than usual. We all suspect his girlfriend's dumped him."

"Which girlfriend? The cackly laugh or the one that wears only red bras under her transparent shirts?"

"Babe they're the same one-she just had her nose done."

"You're joking-I guess that red was too distracting." I take hold of the glass the bartender hands me and Y/N and I look at each other and start laughing.

"This is so easy with you," she wipes her tears but when she looks back at me they look sad.

I don't know what to say, not wanting to start another argument so I just look into my glass as we shift in place.

"Want to grab a booth?" She suggests.

"Yeah," I walk behind her and notice her newly highlighted hair. "Nice hair."

"Oh," she touches the ends and smiles. "Thanks. Brian told me it would complement my skin tone and it really does!"

"Hm," I supress the urge to roll my eyes. Brian.

"Don't get like that," Y/N clucks. "He's really sweet Joe, the other day he remembered I like hydrangeas so he bought a plant for his balcony. And he always makes sure I'm alright like that time we-"

"Okay." I stop her from going on. "I really don't want to hear about your new man if that's alright. I'm sure he doesn't like hearing about me too. He probably doesn't even like that you're here now."

Y/N shifts uncomfortably and I raise an eyebrow. "I told him I was meeting with Y/F/N."

"You..." I try to put my judgement away. This meant I still meant something to her right?

"Don't judge me." Y/N shrugs. "I just wanted to see your face. I miss hearing your laugh when I say something really stupid. Or how we just talked shite about my boss without having to explain anything."

"I don't want to cause a scene but Y/N...why are you...why did you leave me then?"

"Because!" She bursts even though I just said not to cause a scene. "I wanted more from you Joe. I wanted you to have both feet in with me, to not be so afraid of getting married!"

"Shh," I try to put my hand on her arm. "I'm sorry I just-we got together when we were younger I was scared that...it felt like we were so young. We have so much time."

"Not anymore." Y/N says.

"But we're still meeting here in private." I say with bitterness. "While you wear your sporty shoes and lip gloss like you just came from the gym even though I know you hate working out."

"I knew you would judge me," Y/N scowls.

"Baby, I'm not judging you or trying to ruin your week. But you know you act so differently around him! Maybe he makes you happy for a bit but when you're with him I know you're lonely."

"I'm not lonely," Y/N insists.

"Yet here we sit reminiscing about how easy we were." I remind her.

"I-I should just go. I need to start on dinner anyway." Y/N gets up and I scramble to get out too.

"Hey," I hold her arm once we get outside. "Wait. Just...please remember you're still free to make the choice and leave him. If you really are happy with him you've got to stop texting me and asking to see me. If you want me to move on, prove it. But if you still want us then let me know."

I lean down and kiss the top of her head and I hear her sigh under me. She wraps her arms under my jacket and we hold each other but I have to lean away before it borders inappropriate.

"I'll see you around," I say softly and turn to leave before her sadness seeped into me too. Leaving her there felt like stranding her but she knew where to find me, I tell myself. If she wanted me, she would know where to look.

[i-choose-liam]

April Come She Will - A TRR AU fanfic

Summary: What if Liam was a commoner, unburdened with propriety and a horde of duties towards an entire country? What if he was born with the freedom he so longed for, and could go for the woman he wanted without a care in the world? If he was free to pursue his passions and desires, what kind of a lover and man he would be? An Alternate Universe fic set in the USA, where Liam, a commoner, meets and falls for a writer, April.

A/N: I hadn’t envisioned this to be a story about friendship, but it’s turning out to be so. And I can’t say I mind. There will be romance, of course (come on, it’s me who’s writing this), and it will be a sort of slow burn in Liam and April’s case. God, I hate those. But writing this is fun! Let me know what you think of this chapter. Thanks!

Tag list: If I have forgotten to put anyone’s url here, please remind me. And if you want off the tag list, all you have to do is let me know. Thanks! @kennaxval​ @thatspicegirlssong​ @lizzybeth1986​ @bowful​ @indescribablechoices​ @femmeshep​ @zaffrenotes​ @hopefulmoonobject​

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: Liam x Original Female Character

Rating: T

Characters: Liam, Hana Lee, Maxwell Beaumont, Drake Walker, Original characters, and an adorable golden retriever named Sir Arthur.

Chapter 1: Belle of the Boulevard

Chapter 2: Friends

Chapter 3: Hey Tomorrow

Normally, Drake wouldn't have bothered making fancy breakfast for his two friends. But they had been let down after yet another apartment hunt. Since they were both sleeping the disappointment off, Drake supposed he could make something nice to cheer them up. He was in a pretty good mood... before Maxwell burst into the kitchen with his morning mofo energy. "Drake!" He sighed. "What?" "You're not going to believe what I'm about to tell you!" "Your pigeon buddy won't come to the window anymore?" Maxwell said, "I saw Buckbeak just a while ago. But that's not what I am talking about" Drake put away the broken eggshells, asking, "What are you talking about?" Maxwell said, sounding dystopian, "April is not on any social media" "So?" That appalled Maxwell. He exclaimed, "So it's weird and unnatural!" Drake said, "Hey. I'm not on any social media either" "Exactly my point!" He turned to give Maxwell a reproachful look, but the man was rambling. "I didn't even know her last name until yesterday. But then I picked up Liam's Kindle last night and I saw he was reading lesbian erotica. I was like, um... okay. Whatever rocks your boat. Then I saw the writer's name - April Costas! That's why Liam was reading erotica! So I did a little digging of my own. She's not on any social media sites. Doesn't that bother you?" Drake gently pushed him aside, reaching for powdered sugar. He said, "What bothers me is that you two spent your night snooping on a girl. I can understand Liam doing it, he likes her. But you are being you again" Maxwell grinned, "Sparkling and joyful?" "Nosy and annoying" 

Liam came into the kitchen, greeting them both with a "good morning". He asked Drake, "Need any help with breakfast?" "No, I got it. You and the Daily Mail here can sit at the table" Maxwell received a sympathetic smile from Liam. He sat down next to him, not quite meeting Liam in the eye. "Why are you name-calling him this early in the morning?", Liam asked Drake. He replied, "Why don't you ask him?" "Maxwell?" Maxwell fidgeted with his fingers, replying, "Well, I... I googled April last night" "Okay?" "She's not on any social media" "I didn't know that" Maxwell asked, "You're not mad at me?" Liam smiled, "Why would I be mad? You can google whoever you want" Drake set two plates before them on the table, saying, "If you two ladies are done having a heart to heart, eat up" The plates were piled with golden French toast, with powdered sugar sprinkled on top. Maxwell's face lit up at the sight of the food. "Yum!", he said. Liam smiled at that reaction and turned to Drake, "Thank you, Drake. This is rather nice of you" "Don't get used to it", Drake smiled. Liam cut a piece of toast for himself. His fork and knife were met with some resistance. 'Strange' He had to apply a little pressure to slice the supposedly soft and fluffy toast. Before putting the morsel in his mouth, he glanced at Maxwell. Maxwell gave him a pained look, his jaws moving around the food in his mouth, like giant cogs on an industrial machine. Liam threw caution to the wind and put the piece of French toast in his own mouth. It was... chewy and bland. But he didn't complain. Next to him, Maxwell whispered, "My teeth are starting to hurt" "Sshh" Sadly for them, they hadn't noticed Drake glaring at them from next to the kitchen stove. He scowled. "What? My food isn't fancy enough for you two freeloaders?" They immediately disagreed. Liam said, "No, no. It's lovely" Maxwell nodded, "Yeah. Really... edible" Drake watched him carefully for a moment before turning back to the stove again. Maxwell whispered, "Where's Sir Arthur? He must be hungry" Liam whispered back, "You're not feeding my dog this. Eat" Drake returned to the table, with French toast piled high in two more plates. Maxwell and Liam gave him their best grateful smiles.

***

April dabbed at her mouth with a paper napkin, having just made clean work of her empanadas. Her agent sat across from her in the red chair, matching the theme of the deli. She ignored their piercingly observant gaze and looked around for a waiter. 'Maybe I can get those little pita wraps' Joel said, their voice crisp as cold water, "You're stress-eating again" April made a face. "I'm not!", she said. "Come on, April. Is it really going to be that difficult for you to maintain a social media presence? All writers have to do that" "I know they do. I am just not..." They said, "Comfortable putting my life details out there for everyone to see - heard that before. I'm not asking you to post nudes. Just... maybe one tweet, one pic, one status update every other day" "But Joel..." "Listen", they leaned forward, the cuffs of their coat sleeves revealing slender wrists, "When I take Porcelain Palace to my contacts in Hollywood, they are going to be like, "April who?". You are virtually non-existent. And your silly website where you review people's fanfiction doesn't count" April leaned back in her chair, folding her arms over her chest. Joel went on, despite the look on her face. "This business is as much about image as it is about storytelling. I told you that when you hired me" They gave April a nurturing smile. "I just don't want your work to be sidetracked in Hollywood. Porcelain Palace deserves to be made into a movie. We need that movie in our time. And I am not going to stop until that happens. Are you?" She mumbled, "No" "We agree then. You will sign up on the sites I just emailed you, and start posting" "Urgh" "Don't be dramatic. And stop stuffing your face. You're going to look like a rikishi soon if you keep at this" "I eat what I want. And I already got my 10k footsteps in today, all right?" "Good", Joel placed some dollar bills on the table and got up, buttoning their coat jacket, "I'll see you in exactly one week. Call me if you need me" "Yeah. Thanks" "Anything for my favourite person" Joel leaned over and planted a kiss on the top of her head. April smirked. "Want to tell Shirin you called me that?" They gave her a stunning grin, walking away, "That's the beauty of being in a mature poly relationship. I don't have to worry about jealousy. Good day, April" She raised her hand in half a wave, sighing, and dropping it the moment Joel was out of sight.

Her social skills had been a big joke since kindergarten. Her mistrust of people in general, coupled with a strong sense of privacy, kept her shielded from the allure of "social sharing". But Joel was trying to create an image for her, and they knew what they were talking about. Problem was - it made April feel hungry again. Her phone buzzed. She saw who the text was from and smiled in surprise. 'Hello, April! Not sure if you remember, but you saved me from a horrendous date at the Whiskey Duck? It's Hana' April quickly texted back. 'Of course I remember. It's great to hear from you! How have you been?' She sat in the small deli during lunch hours, typing away letters and emojis to a welcome distraction.

***

Drake was losing to Maxwell in that stupid kart game when his phone buzzed. He ignored it, but it only buzzed again. "Pause", he said. Maxwell grinned, "Nuh-uh. I'm winning" Drake thought he had no option but to end the race. He swore as Maxwell beat him by a hair's breadth. Ignoring his friend's victory break-dance, he checked his phone. 'What the fuck?' He was part of some chat called Whiskey Ducks. The first text had been from a number he didn't know. 'Hi guys, it's Hana! I just thought this would be a fun and convenient way for me to talk to you all at once :D' The next text was from another unfamiliar number. 'Hello. April here. :)' Drake was still making sense of the thing when a third text was sent in the group. This number he did recognise. 'Yoohoo! Its so great to be able to talk to my friends together! Viva la technology! ^_^' The text was followed by a gif of the Minions hugging and saying "Buddies".   "Maxwell!" He nearly jumped on hearing his name. "What?" Drake frowned, showing him the phone screen, "What the hell am I doing in a group text?" Maxwell defended himself, "Hana wanted me to add you and Liam" "IN A GROUP TEX..." The door to Drake's apartment swung open and Liam came in. He closed the door behind him, giving the guys a nod. "Hey", he said. Maxwell quickly turned his attention to Liam. He asked, "How did it go?" "It is affordable, if you don't mind living with rats" "Wait. Cute rats or the creepy ones?" Liam sighed, "Maxwell" He deposited himself on the couch between Drake and Maxwell, much to the latter's relief. Drake was complaining within seconds of Liam's butt hitting the couch. "Look what your precious buddy did. He added us to a group text" "Keep your calm..." "What do you mean 'keep your calm'? He didn't even ask us!" Liam pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering, "I wasn't talking to you" Maxwell took that as encouragement to speak up. He said, "There's no harm done. Hana just wanted to invite all of us to Coney Island" Drake said, "I don't want to go to stupid Coney Island. And how did you get Hana's number anyway?" Maxwell revealed with a happy smile, "I added her on pinterest. She has the coolest boards. Especially her food board. Oh my god"

Liam pulled out his phone from the pocket of his jeans, rubbing his sore temples. The apartment hunt and the current state of his job were enough to fill his head with worry. Drake and Maxwell's constant bickering was just the cherry on top of a steaming pile of crap. "You always do this!" "And you always give me hell about it!" They fought, one on each side of Liam. He could feel a headache coming on. But his entire facial expression transformed on seeing who else was in the group chat. Hana said, 'I wanted to invite you all to Coney Island with me. As a thank you for that evening. It will be super fun, I promise!' April replied, 'You don't have to thank us' 'But I really want to! And it's not like I have any friends in New York to enjoy Coney Island with :3 ' April is typing... 'When do you want to go?' Liam smiled. April was such a knight in shining armour. 'How about tomorrow?', Hana suggested. Maxwell is typing... 'Tomorrow's good for meee! I have nothing to do tomorrow' Liam was surprised to see - Drake is typing... 'Like everyday' Maxwell replied with a sad puppy face gif. April is typing... 'Is it okay if I bring my friend Jenna along?' 'Sure! The more, the merrier', Hana said. Reading Jenna's name, both Liam and Maxwell turned to look at Drake. He tried to seem nonchalant, "What?" Liam shrugged. "Just wondering if you can make it tomorrow. You have a thriving business to attend to, you know. Unlike me and Maxwell, who have nothing to do everyday" "Yeah!", Maxwell grinned. Drake glared at Liam, saying, "Why do you always take his side? I'm your best friend!" Maxwell objected to that. "Hey! We are all best friends!" Their phones buzzed again. Hana asked, 'So guys? Does tomorrow afternoon work for you?' Maxwell replied with an enthusiastic yes. Drake replied, 'Ok' Liam had his eyes on April's name in the group text as he typed, 'Can't wait'