#FUCK THEYRE GONE what if i kms

[gelarshiesprofruitboarder]

tginking about evil bnt again this is a problem i think

[ins4nebxtch]

fr ending it all tonight cuz nothing seems worth it anymore like okay if im gonna be very honest i dont even get the point of trying anymore like it really really isnt worth it, the year started out kinda rough but i thought eh itll be fine but then like it went on and on and then it kept going downhill and see atp i still had hope that i could turn things around right but then i really don't think i can fix this like ive been trying for an entire year man idt anything is going to be any different. and before ik i was sorta depressed and shit but atleast i had some sort of energy to keep going but honestly I'm so fucking drained like idt im going to keep going. this anxiety ocd whatever the fuck it is im not self diagnosing cuz thats yucky like these fucking voices are genuinely getting too much, like bro wym smth very bad will happen if i dont leave the door hanging or keep my shoes exactly in a certain way or sit there and recite the number of fucking likes comments and shares on every reel 3 times. not victimizing here or anything but this is like -2 points for me no since i have to go through all this also and niggas who ain't gone thru shit in their life like the worst thing they've "been through" is getting scolded by parents for bad marks or sum get to sit here, fuck me over, laugh about it, spread it around to their friends who haven't gone through shit either js so they can sit here and judge me?? and then judge the way i cope w it too cuz they know whats better for me more than i do?? and dont even give me that oh ydk what others have been through like nigga even if they have 1. they should understand how it is and not pull ts and 2. if theyre going thru smth and this is their coping mechanism or whatever, just because your lire is fucking shitty doesnt give you the right to fuck up mine and laugh ab it. you cant outrun shit in this fucking city everyone knows everyone and apparently they love to make it so well known they dont like me cuz I'm some #1 alcoholic slut who apparently doesnt have a single nice bone in her body. i admit i was shitty like a while back but legit everyone who's sitting here and saying ts about me has done the same and some of these people have done even worse shit yet they face no consequencs and get to judge me?? its absolute bullshit. I've done nothing but sit here and fucking pray for things to get better and actually try to become a better person but im not gonna waste my time anymore if everything remains like this. you have absolutely no idea how much I've prayed to god, literally begging to fix atleast one aspect of my life but to no fucking avail and it's got nun to do w me being a bitch or whatever or oh it's js karma cuz i see niggas who've fucked me over 10 times worse having the time of their fucking life so god has no excuses. it's not even for character development anymore like okay bro ive actually been trying 2 change what more do i need to develop?? all these niggas do is judge judge judge like oh she drinks ew like nigga maybe the reason i do is cuz you or your friends dumbass fucked me over so hard that i wanted to kill myself?? would you rather me write yall fucking names in my suicide note and kms so the whole gang goes to prison?? fucking hell im doing these idiots a favour and they have issue w that also like bro atp id buy a fuck b4 i gave one (in reality i care a lot or i wouldnt be yapping this much) anw im done trying cuz if i suggest trying again im genyinely gonna waste 3 lakhs that my parents spent and theyll probably kill me themselves so i dont think i have any other fucking option anymore cuz im not dealing w all of this again. i swear to god bro if i actually die ive got a few niggas who i want paying the price for whatever bs they pulled or istg im gonna haunt them and pull one conjuring scene. oh and another thing ik they say iF yOu DoNt LiKe YouR LifE tHeN dO sMtH tO FiX iT like nigga past full year what do you think ive been doing like if god has this big issue w me then im also pulling one scene w him im going up there to see what his problem is

[pilotheather]

we're back

youre trying so fucking hard to set up this unit spin off. im going to be horribly honest with you: i dont really care, and i think this is such a corny way to do it. i think torchwood (the show) is something people see with rose-tinted glasses a lot of the time, but i do think its slower introduction to the characters, completely isolated to its own tv show, made more sense. i feel like this weird vibe of just setting up these big personalities who all neatly fit into the exact archetypes you'd Expect... i dont know. i dont care for any of them. i love big weird non human robot-adjacent entities and i dont even care. and that fucker has cable-like tentacles too. i should be sold.

i think its also cuz they are like so obviously these Scifi archetypes for shows like this which is fine but leading first with a quickfire round of rather than getting a softer introduction to them just sort ofmakes them feel like fake cartoons. i think thats sorta why ive never truly warmed to paternoster gang too.

like i think my issue - and im welcome to be proved wrong, whenever we do get this unit spinoff - is i feel like its leading with the idea of "i want a spinoff" first rather than an attempt to fill a specific niche or hole for stories. i feel like sja and torchwood were both very specifically shows that would be in the universe, but would cater to things that would not suit the proper show, and had their own cast driving it.

like i'll be honest i like kate but ummmm im not sure i like her enough to follow her into a spin off. LOL.

sorry thats my hater era over im 2 seconds in

oh no nevermind i also hate big budget takes itself too seriously bullshit wheres the losers

is rose still meant to be like 15. her in business casual for the day job at unit.

okay The Vlinx.

WHYS THERE A LITTLE BEEFCAKE SECURITY GUARD. IS HE LIKE YOUR LITTLE BOYTOY, UNIT? sorry hes not even my typ. harriets really cute though

sorery i still dgaf

rtd and his anagrams. christ.

ive been laughing all day about a reddit comment that said "rtd is a" and i cant stop laughing at it and i dont know anyone who will find that funny in my life so i cant even

WHY ARE THEY JUST FUCKING

SORRY THATS SO FUNNY THEY WERE LIKE LETS QUICKFIRE ADDRESS THE STUPID MYSTERY BOXES. SUSAN. TARDIS... S TRIAD.... SUSAN AGAIN.

i really fucking hope it isnt susan. people have said it before but i just feel like ive always liked the idea of jsut leaving her be. dont revisit it. its fine.

sorry help me why are they just pulling everything out help me

i feel like theyre trying to be too meta about it and not in like a clever way its just like a lets state the obvious to everyoneits that vclassic TELLING NO SHOWING that i feel like christ it keeps ... feeling like the writing is doing that so much

CAN ANYONE TALK ABOUT HOW NCUTI LOOKS IN THE LEATHER JACKET BTW?

soery its like not even 10 minutes in and im like already feeling like a hater i just i dont know i feel like so im fine with them cashing in on nostalgia and being a bit self aware in finales sometimes but i feel like this and then the trilogy last year... LOOK most dw finales and special eps of the nu era are kind of rooted in some sort of classic right its like dalek dalek cyberman master dalek lets go to gallifrey for this one but its like still at least one thing sorry im sick of it i dont wanna see mel any more i dont wanna be in unit CAN WE FOLLOW THE DOCTOR AND RUBY see them figuring it out PLEAAASEEE they can point out its obvious its fine but the fucking round table discussion

SORRY I KNOW ITS BEEN THE HOT TOPIC ITS LIKE THE WAY THIS SEASON HAS GONE TOO FAST CUZ ID SAY A LOT OF THE EPS WERE GOOD IN THE END BUT ITS LIKE SO MANY OF THEM WERE TOO HARD DEPARTURES FROM WHAT WE REALLY NEED WHICH IS JUST

TIME WITH RUBY AND THE DOCTOR . PLEASE.

nevermind i love mel on the moped

ugh ive been wanting a bike for so long but i keep hjearing about so many accidents i wanna kms in a controlled environment

my second thought btw: i think one of my favourite season finales will always be s4's. and yes that does also bank on this big, lets have ALL OF THESE PEOPLE COME TOGETHER!!! and have one huge crossover event even if the story isnt as good. but as ivealways said: that works because its earned through four seasons of building up all of those individual characters. it can stand on that legwork thats already been done. i just dgaf otherwise. its why, and maybe this is controversial, i can never give a shit about a good man goes to war. (although i also loathe that because that storyline does my fucking HEAD IN)

im also hating this so hard im not even far enough in sorry i just love to hateeeeeeeeeee

help e christ if it wasnt for reddit i would not fucking recognise anyones fucking face is hat the same woman i mean rby also isnt clocking her does she have some fucking perception filter on . missus flood what is up with you

missus flood what even is wrong with you

"why did you never go back to see her?"

because susan was lowkey annoying af

SORRY

SORRY WOMEN

i also do wanna know: if hes mentioned her face popping up a lot, are they not scanning their fucking databases for matches. like thats definitely technology they have. lets be so for real

AGAIN SORRY THE OTHE RTHING I HATE ABOUT IT IS THE TIME SINK IT IS GREAT LETS HAVE OUR INTRODUCTIONS AND HAPPY WOOPEEEES AND MEETING THE TEN BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE WE'RE BRINGING ALONG WHEN THEYRE REALLY NOT ENRICHING THE EPISODE AND ITS JUST WEARING EVERYTHING SO THIN DUDE COME ON OH WAIT HANG ON LETS INTERRUPT THE FLOW AGAIN TO BRING IN SOMEONE ELSE AND STOP IT!! EEEENOUGH!

(again with the way s4 finale was handled: i think it was really good the way they had everyone sort of... separated out? they had them all cleanly following their own plots. so it didnt make shit a fucking mess.)

caralas literally chill w can bring carla

Do you have a time window. Ten floors down. classic shit.

i think i also ironically did i say this bit already i fucking hate trying to do big... sci-fi organisations like this trying to fight the aliens or villains or whatever. sorry just a taste thing. like compare this to how torchwood was presented in s2. it just feels like we're thriving in it and im not a fan of them being our unapologeticbesties we swing around and giggle with. can we get some nasty fucking vibes in here please. i loved when capaldi was a cunt with them.

this is also why i refuse to ever engage with the avengers content

christmas eve 2004. god shesso young. (im 4 years older literally).

sorry i also hate mystery box companion bullshit fuck off can we not just get some cunt from the local

SORRY I JUST THINK RTD FINALES ARE SO BADLY CAMP SOMETIMES

i keep thinking about how she looks like jodie i think its the boots with the ankles sort of poking out

thats my bad aura sorry i was hating too hard

NOT THE BOYTOYS

THEYRE PICKING OFF THE BOYTOYS

theres that irony again of like they'll sit there and do a whle bit like haha duh ofc we know its an anagram DUHHH but then half the dialogue is just fucking . SAYING SHIT STRAIGHTFORWARD AND OUTRIGHT SHUT UP

hes in hell. god damn it. i hate it when i lose my boytoys and he ends up in hell

imagine if this was the beast from the satans pit

what a hilarious hater moment that would be

sorry now I- UMMMMM THE BOYTOY IS DUSTTT AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

colonel winston is making me giggle. lke the monkey. guys i dont know anything abou overwatch but that monkey makes me laugh

guys we're on susan watch

shes going to be the dumbest red herring ever isnt she amen shes just nothing please rtd you fuckerr- DOCTOR CALM DOWN

CAN WE GET HIM A FUCKING STIM TOY

CAN WE GET HIM A BLUEBERRY MATCHA

CAN WE GET HIM SOMETHING TO COPE WITH

so cool we brought an image of this thing up before and it wrecked our shit lets do it again hell yeah come on

harriet i need you

SHES NOT HER ITS SO FUNNY

EVERYU TIME SOME CRAZY BITCH NAMED SUSAN APPEARS DO YOU DO THIS.

BRO DOES THAT MEAN THESE GIRLIES WRE CONNECTED HELP ME IMAGINE IF THAT WAS SUSAN AND NOW SHES JUST STUCK WITH THE FUCKING MEMORIES OF RAISING LINDY. COME ON SUSAN. BREAK THE FUCKING TRAUMA CYCLE. YOU DIDNT NEED TO RAISE HER LIKE THAT MAN.

can we get the tardis a ginger ale

THAT FUCKING CAMERA ANGLE BEING A FAKEOUT FOR A FUCKING RUBY SUNDAY THIS WHOLE THING IS A TV SHOW SHTICK IS SO FUNNY ACTUALLY

SUSAN TRIAD DOING THIS IN AN EMPTY CROWD IS SO FUNNY

SUSAN TRIAD YOU HAVE TO GET IT TOGETHER GIRL THEY'LL BE CLIPPING BITS OF THIS ON TWITTER

the king innit

HARRIET ARBINGERRRRRR YESSSSSSS

SLAYYYYYYYY

NEVERMIND THAT BIT GOT ME A PRETTY WOMAN WILL GET ME SOOO EASY

TRICKSTER MENTION IS INSANE

her children doubt and dreaddddd so silly

WHOS THIS HATER

SUTEKH

THATS SO FUCKINGH FUNNY

HUNDREDS OF REDDITORSARE PUNCHING THE AIR. MAYBE EVEN TENS

I LOVE HOW IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT

SO WHAT IS WRONG WITH RUBY

HELP ME I SPENT SO LONG BEING A HATER I DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT SUTEKH SORRY CLASSIC FANS

ANYWAYS

[sucktacular]

cw weight loss mention.

today.... is a good readmore!! good news!! a lil bit of a vent here and there cuz my brain is a mine field, but over all im feeling kind of good?

not to like.... pat my own lil head about it or anything but i went outside today. AND i went on a WALK on my OWN around the neighbourhood.... I've never walked around here on my own, and i think the last time I went out for a walk on my own was a year and a half ago when i had to come out here to check out the room for rent (current room). so its really been a hot fuckin minute. i was honestly feeling super anxious. but i put in my head phones and listened to my music and text-talked to some friends and it made it a lil easier. ; w;

I've been working out a lot too for the past few days!!!! My lil weights and lots of other exercises.... I feel really good about it so far honestly and I really hope maybe I can keep this up. especially through winter.

honestly im terrified of winter coming. i really dont want to feel stuck inside again and things get worse? I want so badly to go outside on my own. Be able to do shopping when I need. Go get little treats! Take care of myself and my needs. I'd really really like to work on getting a job or some sort of money source.because disability denied me over and over despite having even a therapist letter confirming like. heyyy theyre fucked up!!!, but like.... i want so badly to have money again. and i want to save and i want to put it away and also... being on social assistance im not allowed to leave canada for more than 7 days in a row and that is straining the FUCK out of my relationship and like my life moving forward at all in general. we cant go on a trip to the Adirondacks for the seasonal change and im super fucking bummed out about it honestly. and its literally just cuz of social assistance keeping me at home. its literally so fucked.

but anyway. im trying my fucking damnedest and im trying soooooo hard to keep upright and now sink and slip back down. Ive got some friends in my corner. and thats great. but its all on me at the end of the day. and if im being frank i fucking HATE HOW IM LIVING!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT!!!! TO BE DEPENDANT!!!! ON PEOPLE!!!!! i dont want to be stuck at home, the summer is fucking gone and i barely did anything.... i want to go out! i want to go to concerts! i want to go to festivals!! i want to go to meet ups and visit friends and i want to do so many fucking things!!! i want to explore, i want to see the world, i want to eat food and meet ppl and experience. i want so much out of my life. but im absolutely holding myself back. and i know its not entirely on me to just push myself out of that because i also dont want to burn out. and i know mental illness and i know i know i know.

but

im so tired of this. im literally clawing in my cage here and i dont feel like anyone really GETS that? idk idk maybe ppl do im just out of my mind and this ISNT ME. this isnt who i want to be, and i know i dont really get much of an option in that? cuz my brain is going to fucking keep doing what it is doing. but i AM getting therapy. I AM talking about the hard hard fucking shit. the shit that makes me want to kms the shit that makes me want to peel my skin off or just disappear entirely. im trying. and i dont want to crash and i dont want to burn and go back to this again. but like... idk man if i dont fucking push myself up im NOT gonna get back up. im complacent in the comfort of hiding away from life. when i want nothing more than to love everyone and kiss my friends faces and hold their hands and go to places and see things and eat things and do stuff blah blah blah

im strong.. im smart.. im creative... I CAN dance the dance. but im terrorized by the thought of existing enough to not be wanted around by even just one person LMAO;;;;;;

anyway this is getting a bit venty but

I WENT OUT!!! I WALKED FOR LIKE 30MIN. I GOT SWEATY. I CAME HOME. I WORKED A LITTLE. I DID MY DISHES YESTERDAY. I WORKED UP A HUGE SWEAT LAST NIGHT. I MAKE MY BED EVERY DAY. THE WEATHER IS CHILLING. I LOST 20LBS SINCE APRIL!!!! I HAVE A BETTER SLEEP SCHEDULE AND IM TRYING MY DAMNEST TO KEEP BRING IT BACK A BIT MORE (4/6am - 3/4pm right now. I'd love to wake up by 10am at minimum honestly). IM MOTIVATED IM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD.

i need to remember im independent. and i fucking adore my independence. and i need to stop being so complacent to allow ppl to care for me. like obv my heart is open to it and i let people in and i dont shy away. to be a human is to care and receive care. but my independence is a deeply deeply personal thing for me and without it im... just not myself. im just not me. im just not at my full potential. and i reallllly need to work it out.

[imnooneyouknow]

i felt everything and nothing today

right i need name labels because i dont wanna use names

friend 1: favourite person (hi there :33) i hang out with alotttt

friend 2: one of my bestest friends and my first friend in secondary

friend 3: also a friend of mine. ive started to dislike them a bit

OKAY SO WHAT HAPPENED TODAY so we were in class like first period and friend 2 was like really sick. not really really sick but they were 100% sick enough to be upset. which i absolutely hate when theyre upset, theyre the only one which i could show extremeee empathy towards, like all the times gheyve cried ive either cried or almost cried. anywaysss i asked them if they were alright (which they werent) and so did friend 3. idk but recently i feel like 3 is trying to be even closer to 2 than i am. which i get, theyre both close and match energies, but it just sucks. its like one of the reasons im alive. 3 sent 2 to wellbeing and that also just sucked because i couldnt be there. it made me feel so insignificant to them and so fucking small. i feel like km losing my best friend ir sucks.

later today i tried texting 2 to see how theh were doing and 3 also did and said j copied them. i was really stupid to scream in their ear but i was just in general really mad. then 3 and one of my other friends were talking and stopped when i came over. my friend told them to text them later. i assume they were talking about me.

3 also emphasise and talks alot about how im always with 1 and that i love them more than everyone else. they are my favourite person in the world thats why i seem more attached to them, because i am. but it just seems like thats the only thing they focus about when it comes to me?? they also make jokes about us being gay, and while i love 1 to pieces, i cant see them in any other way than platonic. i dont know how to establish boundaries and say rhat i dont like jokes like that.

anyways about today. for like half of today (since 2 was gone) i was either on the verge of tears, relapsing or dissociating. no one noticed tho. i really really wanted (this is gonna sound rlly bad) an ego boost, i thought that’d make me feel better. i didnt get one but whatever.

so in summary 3 is a better friend to 2 than me and it makes me want to cry and throw things :(

[isekaisyouwithmyforearmlaser]

god im so fucking sick of people telling me theyre so proud of me for taking in my little sister like this is fucking easy in comparison to everything like the moment i tell them it isnt hard for me cause i used to be a full time nanny they go "well still at your age its different" like yeah and it was different when i used to give my mom baths when she came home completely shitfaced when i was 10 but you didnt see me fucking feel bad for myself or anyone tell me how proud they are of me even my mom ignored it and didnt acknowledge the factg that i took care of her more than she ever raised me LAST FUCKING WEEK but i cant be annoyed i just have to smile and go thank you im so young and naive and then they give me unsolictied advice and tell me im so strong like holy fuck die die die die and i feel so bad because this week ive been so fucked cause of work and my little sister is gone from her friends and i got enough money to pay 10 dollars for tickets to see this movie she wanted to see cause she lost her childhood dog yesterday (and i know its probably dead but when she asks me i say god is with it and keeping him safe) and i thought here i can cheer her up and then my car got stuck and then i was sitting there for an hour trying to dig it out and some guy comes up and tries to help and then he just goes well its stuck good and i start freaking out and he says that its not a big deal and i need to calm down andd i nearly fucking went nuts on him i just told him to fuck off that he doesnt know me i didnt ask to raise a child right now i had plans and dreams and i cant even fucking be mad theyre all being ruined because its not like i had the willpower and discipline to really see them through anyways and im just so fucking mad right now and i feel like ive been so mad ive just been hiding it and im so fucking mad at everyone i know and im mad at myself now my mom only calls me when shes asking for money and all my friends say you cant blame yourself about the hospitalization like you were going to kill yourself and its like no matter what i do i wasnt good enough for my little sister because now we are broke as fuck and all my friends are throwing a fucking pity party for me that makes me want to kms cause the only way i know how to feel useful (which up until this point i felt very useful because i was the sole provider for my family) is by giving money and the moment i gave a shit about my self my entire family got evicted and everyone in my life just turned the other way. MY BROTHER who fucking molested me just ignores me when i beg him to help not for me (hes never given a shit about me ive always just been some cum rag to him) but for our siblings but he ignored me and his fucking wife has the balls to like my family photos on xmas with me and my papaw and my little sister fuck them fuck them all fuck everyone i know what a bunch of assholes. everything i do now is for her. and everyone keeps trying to convince me to take my sister away from my mom.

theyd sooner traumatize my sister more than try to actually help my family. im so fucking sad and i cant even donate my plasma just to make ends meet because i have fucking PTSD AND IM TRANS and they have to get signed off otherwise what?? i might contaminate their fucking plasma ppool with my peepee genes??

and im this close to just doing sex work to get by im so fucking mad and i dont want to ask for help i just want to do things right and none of this is fucking fair but its even less fair for ema cause she tries so hard to be happy buut i know shes so sad. and i was so overwhelemed and freaking out i had a tantrum because things didnt go according to plan and that guy just stared at me and left and i realized im always going to be alone like this but the least i can do is do something for her and i cant even do that and i was so mad i couldnt hug her and i felt bad but i just needed alone time but now shes alone and i dont know what to do because i just need to be alone but i cant have her be sad and she just wanted to see this movie and they wont refund me and im so fucking mad and god. god is the only one even here for me. everyone else left cause i got "too much" from drinking or i was "tgoo mean" or i just act weird or i am too distant or im too needy and honestly i dont think i care about anyone anymore. im so fucking empty and im so fucked up that the only people i can get off to are people who look like my brother and i fucking hate him. and i want to tell him soo bad that i remember everything. i remember when he used to kiss me when i was asleep in highschool cause i wasnt sleeping i was just too scared to move. and i remember when he left for 5 years i thought it was my fault for not taking the hint and letting him have something romantic with me wit hmy fucking brother. and now i cant have a normal realtionship without having panic attacks in bed and freezing up and dissassociating and everyone thinks its so funny because i havent had sex and its like bro who the fuck would want to after that. god i fucking hate everyone right now

[gayspock]

Gonna be cheeky and hit you with: all the TOS movies for the ask game

WATCH MY GOOFY ASS JUST GO HAM, BABYCAKES

I. TMP never seen | want to see | the worst | bad | whatever | not my thing | good | great | favorite | masterpiece i understand why the girlies hate tmp... i truly do. like- the pacing is bloody horrific, lacklustre dialogue, with bland introductions to ne wcharacters, and soooo many of its key elements ARE recycled elements from TOS. nonetheless, my love: whereas many LOATHE the long, drawn out exposition shots, i find the fucking visuals positively p*rnographic.... its ghorgeous.... bjeautiful<3. and dont get me STARTED on the love story, woven so tenderly into the narrative.. oh sniff sniff. its SO romantic, and i darent care what the girlies say for im oh so gooey... i truly am.

II. TWOK never seen | want to see | the worst | bad | whatever | not my thing | good | great | favorite | masterpiece i think generally speaking, of the tos movies i have seen twok definitely DESERVES its rep as probably... the best written one? i think thats what i hear the general consensus as, yah<333 its very good it truly is.<3 like its sooo solid- and I FEEL GOOFY NOT SAYING MORE ON IT, its just a good fucking movie baby!! genuinely iconic. and tyou kknow that scene fucking made me cry sniff sniff cry. you know it did....

III. SFS never seen | want to see | the worst | bad | whatever | not my thing | good | great | favorite | masterpiece NO SHUT UP BC SFS is one of my favourites ok sniff sniff... like- heavens above.... like- im going to speak my truth, here, yknow. i love the TOS crew- but in the actual series proper, a lot of them dont really get their dues, you know? and its a little hard to always click with them because of that- which is a shame bc like i do LOVE them theyre lovely little guys but yah... however between this and TVH literally i fell totally stupid in love with them all as a unit. is it a little artifical - oh so totally - but when they all just give up everything to just (as far as they know) let bestie spock Rest In Peace.... im going to kms. </3 like- the whole scene where theyre breaking bones out- im INSANEEEE FOR IT. PEAK OF CINEMA OF ALL TIME. and later on, like, gosh... ive considered getting a tat of the enterprise burning up in space, it sent me so beserk bananas. however this movie is also the fucking worst for everything that happens on that godforsaken planet. hi....... hellaur..... NO, bc literally i will gut whoever made those choices. demented in the head. saavik, baby girl, i am so so fucking sorry they did this to you. also rip david, i fucking guess? i keep forgetting he exists. christ.

IV. TVH never seen | want to see | the worst | bad | whatever | not my thing | good | great | favorite | masterpiece THEY WERE FUCKING INSANE FOR THIS ONE. THE MOVIE OF ALL TIME. YOU ARE FUCKING INSANE FOR THIS ONE MISTER NIMOY.

V. TFF and VI. TUC never seen | want to see | the worst | bad | whatever | not my thing | good | great | favorite | masterpiece I ACTUALLY still havent had the chance to see V and VI, funnily enough. i was going to watch them on my birthday- but thats been and gone, and i just kinda didnt... i wanted to save them for a special occasion (i got them downloaded and everything) but i really cant think when. some day. <3 im rlly excited for TUC lol

[snifferz]

// VERY BIG RANT, TW FOR PARENTAL ABUSE/TRAUMA, GASLIGHTING, FAKECLAIMING, SUICIDE ETC - PHOBOS (HOST)

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regarding like being diagnosed and shit before anyone asks.

( like i dont want us to get fakeclaimed so this is pretty necessary, our alters have had really fucking upsetting reactions to it before and i really dont want repeats of shit from before. i doubt itll happen on here bc people are relatively nice, im just gonna put this here in case + in the scenario someone on another app bothers us, eg tiktok bc we got harassed by a fakeclaim account who caused three of our alters, including me, to go into panic. )

we literally cant lol. family issues, our parents are very much aware were mentally ill but refuse to let us get help for it + basically use it as a way to make us look bad/victimise themselves when shit goes wrong and thats it. we cant get a osdd or did or whatever we have diagnosis, i dont know what the fuck we have at this point and probably wont for a long while.

if someones still living with an abuser its really fucking hard to get help lmao.

people really need to be more sympathetic towards those who genuinely cant get diagnosed with did/osdd. were talking about those whove gone through severe fucking childhood trauma here, there is probably going to be something traumatic stopping them from getting help lmao. its not as easy as just getting help and shit when youre still living with abusers who refuse to let you even leave the house, make your own food or have your own credit card bc they dont trust you enough and demonise you to hell and back. we literally cant do anything nevermind get a fucking diagnosis for a disorder i myself am questioning if we even have, we cant talk to people, we cant go out, we cant make our own food, our mom still controls our routine, we cant clean or do basic chores, we cant buy our own clothes, we cant pay for anything ourselves, we cant take our money with us, we cant do anything without our moms permission, we have to abide by every little strict rule trying to judge whether or not our mom will let us off if shes in a bad mood or not, we cant even talk to ourselves or move about in our room, we dont even have our own privacy for fucks sake. do you really genuinely think were gonna get that diagnosis lmao. i have tried to call people and ive been screamed at, ive tried to ask other family members for help and ive gotten nothing because theyre too scared to do anything or water down our problems, ive tried running away, ive tried to almost kms and shit because i thought there was no way out, ive tried counselling and they watered down everything to us being trans rather than mentally struggling.

bro we literally got kicked out of our house for having a breakdown + then after two weeks passed our mum started accusing us of hearing voices and having random mental illnesses bc she literally only sees the possibility of us having a mental illness as something that explains defiance against her rather than a result of her own actions and the immense fucking trauma weve gone through. she notices the issues we have, points them out when she thinks were in the wrong to make us look like weve gone mad or something and need help, and then doesnt let us actually get help for them bc it was a throwaway thing to make us question ourselves lmao. its more gaslighty than actually recognising we need help.

so no. were not able to get a diagnosis. were living in an abusive household, it is literally impossible. dont bother us about it lol.

[huntsman-ash]

RWBY V8E5 LiveThoughts

And now for the last episode before the HUGE break they’re taking. Seriously, February? Damn, whats going on at RT?

It matters not. Lets see what this weeks episode has for us.

And here we see Aminety Colloseum, the place that Atlas SHOULD have weaponized the moment it rolled its way back here. Seriously look at it; floating free away from everything else...you could mount missile launchers and laser batteries and CIWS batteries on it, launch fighters from it, let dropships deploy through its base...a floating aircraft carrier of unprecidented size.

Or maybe turn it into a weapon...use its drive system to focus Dust energy into some kind of gravitational force...thats just me though.

Missed oppertunites...ah well.

You CAN see its been adjusted though, it looks less like the sports arena from its last apperance and more like a floating coms hub, with those dishes on the outside and the huge spire.

Intersetingly if you look in the upper right corner the moon is there but almost completely covered by the storm Salem summoned. Interesting.

Wait why is PEITRO out there? With like...no supports? Seems kinda dangerous to send the weak old dude out there...

...thats a bomb. A Dust bomb in pipe bomb style form but thats very much a bomb.  Yes, Penny, danger indeed.

Atmospheric orbit. Ahhh that must be the low-level orbit path that they need to ensure it doesnt loose power. The part where you coast along with almost no drag.  Like what the X-15 hit in our world, and punched through at least once.

WAIT WHAT THE HELL IS THAT. Thats some kind of loader mech. THATS A FUCKING UTILITY TITAN. WHEN DID ATLAS GET ONE OF THOSE?!

Also thats a jet engine.

And Maria’s piloting it. To quote Daimon Baird; I know wha thappens when you let an angry chick loose with a power loader.

Multiple bombs...wait. Thats the mine that RWBY fought in with the Aces, the one that almost blew the fuck up. They’re... Oh. I get it now. They’re gonna use the blast to fling Amneity into upper orbit and stabalize it. Clever. Not exactly SAFE, but clever. Just hope the mine doesnt go anywhere important. Those tunnels are going to turn into firestorms.

Cute, she thinks she can stay and help. Trust me, Penny. You’re better off running.

MARIA CASUALLY DOING THE MEXICAN GRANDMOTHER THING WITH HER MECH...THE HIP HAND. MY GOD.

Oh, and his chair has gravity restraints too. They...gonna handle the impact of the launch? I mean thats literally a fuel/air bomb under them. Dust/air...

Well Maria seems alright with it.

OH GOD DAMMIT. Its Cinder isnt it? Fucking bitch...

On the positive side if she DOES hitch a ride then they get a chance to give her the ol’ “Long fall special”.  Lets see your maiden powers save you from a fall from near orbit.

Well then, she burned right through the floor. Interesting. Maiden powers or her own, who knows...I do admit seeing her ride the ship in like that is kinda cool.

The eagerness in Cinders remaining eye interest me. Also, even when using maiden powers, her dead eye emits nothing. So that whole parts just gone. 

Secondary note, I think they’re standing on the...Shade emblem? Shade is the swords I think. Vale is the axes, Atlas is the staff, Havens the lamp. Doubt it means anything.

Ahhh, okay I was gonna say, that launch was...kinda lackluster. But the blast is being used as a BOOST on top of the four existing external thrusters. Like the yellow emergency turbines on the outside of the Pillar of Autumn in the end cutscene of Halo Reach

Dust explodes in its own individual colors. The blast under them looks like a Pride festival.

Also Penny just going WHAP like that amuses me, whereas Cinder just crouches. Guess she knew what was coming.

I dont see how the blast is helping through...maybe its the pressure wave and we cant see it right.

Now THAT is a command and control table!

Based on the image I can see, the map is showing “Atlas Mantle” in the middle in green, Aminety in red to the north, and the whale as its own red marker just off to the west a bit of Atlas/Mantle. So now we know where everything is stationed.

The scales all kindsa weird tho

Ah THERES the G-force. Emeralds literally stuck to the floor.

And because Cinders an unoriginal bitch, fire swords. Im not impressed ot say the least.  On a side note that DOES mean that radiobandit was right about her powers, so theres that. I’d wager this is a combination of her semblance and the maiden abilities.

For those who follow me, Cinder’s blades here are similar in look to what Ash Vulcan can summon, minus the fire. His are more of a cooled obsidian look.  They are, however, as sharp as these are, but much less sturdy. Ex; the one that pins itself to the wall by Penny’s head would have shattered on impact, which Ash uses as a secondary ability. Because no one likes a hundred glass shards in their eyes...

OH HELL YES. Maria with the mech. Now, Cinder...TASTE METAL FIST.

RT...I salute you. Angry mother figure piloting a giant robot screaming “get away from her you bitch”. ALMOST had it. Almost.

What smacked into her though. Neo?

Yes, Neo piloting their escape craft. Interseting.

Emerald looks completely useless and confused and Neo is suddenly very much in a realization shes inside a tin can and MARIA IS OPERATING A GIANT TIN CAN OPENER

Emeralds semblance works on Maria. Interseting, so it must bypass eyes. Effect the brain specifically. Note to self for Chrys on that...

WHY did Neo take Ruby’s form when shes fighting Maria? On that Maria seems very happy to brawl on the ground now. Old habits die hard, I guess.

Additional math note; “broadcasting range” is, by this numerical, 543.523 of...whatever Remnant uses as units. On Earth, the edge of outerspace is almost exactly 100 km, or 62 miles, straight up. So going by that measurement... (Doing the math here hang on)...1 km is equal to 5.43 of Remnants distance units. Lets just say 5.5. Assuming Remnants edge is the same (but everything we’ve seen so far hints that it is, or at least very close)

Alternatively, since we heard klicks used in V4, but miles used in After The Fall, we can assume this is one of those, meaning that either broadcast altitude on Remnant is ABSURDLY HIGH, because 500km is literally 5 times the edge of space on earth, and 540 miles is ALMOST 9 TIMES AS HIGH. Either way Im pretty sure this is the first measurement of Remnants units we’ve seen.

Alternatively alternatively, judging by the arrows we see, these might be required velocity to maintain orbit, which MAY make a bit more sense but it doesnt really fit. Low orbital velocity on earth for example is 17,000 KPH. Even with the math above, theres still a TITANIC difference.

And now we see the numvers going down again because CINDER BURNED A HOLE IN THROUGH ONE OF THE STABALIZERS. Bitch.

Again on th e weaponizing the colleseum; look at all this empty space. They didnt even remove it from when it was a consorse for the festival. You could put SO MANY weapon emplacements...the landing pads are still there!

Oh so now Cinders a Dawnblade from RWBY is she.

And exploding arrows too. Alright then, sure, why not.

Not sure what the point of this little bit was, aside from Penny trying to draw Cinder off and Cinder going back because...evil? Bait for Penny? Who knows. 

Oh yeah, Marias having a GOOD time. Also, Neos face when she gets kicked in it; “NO, NOT THE SANDEL!”

Also the disrespect from Maria. Yes. Suck it, Neo.

Also theres some timeskippage, as there is NOT a 2 minute gap between when we see the clock the first time and when we see it now. I dont think, anyway. Im sure theres math to be done but it serves the purpose its suppose to, for tension.

Uhhhh...Cinder, please. Your Salem’s most bottom of bitches right now. She favors Hazel and Tyrian over you.

Did Cinder really just try for a does not compute moment. Or is she just out of ideas.

Cinder stealing the maiden powers reminds me of the Grip of the Devourer perk from the Necromatic Grips in Destiny 2. Mainly the green energy flowing. I know thats Pennys aura stuff but it does remind me.

Ahhh they got a plan with Emerald then. Interesting. Also Neo taking advantage of a distraction sounds like her. 

And Penny ONESHOTS Neo. Lets be real here, without aura? She’d be LIQUID. Or maybe ash. Not sure how Penny’s funnels (THEYRE STILL FUCKING FUNNELS DAMMIT) works.

Annnnddd you forgot shes a robot and sees aura didn’t you.  Again, without aura, she’d be dead. Actually, she might legit be dead considering that scream. That sounds like the noise someone makes as their organs are fried by high intensity radiation. Not too mention the MASSIVE BURN MARK on the back wall there.

Either way; GET FUCKED BITCH.

Very dramatic, Emerald, but really, come on. Penny has lasers. You would get maybe one more shot (from a weapon that has, at best from my viewpoint) a caliber equal to MAYBE a 9mm pistol. That stuff doesnt have the penetration power required.

If Penny wasn’t nice and more interested in saving Peitro...you’d be dead. Ripped asunder and Cinder made even worse. 

A pity, really, Penny has a heart. But...hey. Real girl.

I feed upon Emeralds tears though. Mmm. Simpy.

What the HELL is hitting them. Grimm?

Oh boy here we go, more of this. Like...bruh. Just set down for a bit. Always gotta be dramatic dont ya

Aww. Touching. But pointless in the grand scheme of things.

Interesting note but she puts her gloved hand on his cheek, not the one with the glove burned off. For what thats worth again.

Holy shit, that map wasnt lying. That whale’s almost as big as Atlas is from this angle. Mind you, might just be a trick of the location but it would make sense if they were afraid of a Grimm THAT GOD DAMN BIG. I was just seeing it as like, about the size of a normal sperm whale, maybe as big as the Leviathan from the series of the same name, but even that was barely 150 feet long. This things HUGE.

Nope. Pretty sure its about the same size as Atlas is long.

Also the Moon seems smaller from this angle oddly enough.

Wait is she gonna superman this fucking thing?

Okay yes, the numbers were based on distance not velocity, as Penny is pushing the stadium UP, rather than accelerating it in proper stance.

The noises she makes...huh. Glad my sister didnt walk in on those. Sounds...not like someone straining.

Hey look, its clumsy shitface McGee. HES NOT DEAD!

Note about the message; whos the chick with the eye patch next to the faunus in the back left of Ruby.

Im going to assume the first place we see the message played is the Mistral Black Market. Seems fitting for how it is, and the design matches Havens ascetic. 

OH MY GOD THE LITTLE EARED FAUNUS GIRL IN THE HOLE. OH NO. SHES TOO CUTE.

Also in that same shot we see the old Karen from two episodes ago, a mouse girl, Fiona’s mole uncle, and someone new I think. Plus the huge eared girls mom who has a fox tail. And also one of the thirsty moms and her kid maybe?

Hey, Sun and Neptune! Out in the middle of nowhere in Vacuo. So this is the first time we’ve seen it in the show. 

And Ilia’s still alive too!

Hey and Goodwytch too. No voice, of course...she got fired ages ago.

Also hey, so this is where Ironwoods been. I love how Hare turns it off before Ruby finishes. 

I will note that technically Ruby’s not wrong. Ironwood cant be trusted. But then, he couldnt before because (gestures to Atlas’s pathetic, scraggy SOFT “military” instead of THE CHAD FORCES OF...uh...) (Rapid sounds of shuffling papers and files labeled “UNSC” “Coalition of Ordered Governments” “SRPA” “GAR” and “Yukon Confederacy” fly off the table)

Several others. Yes. Lets go with that. (Accidentally bumps paper labeled “Vanguard” off the desk)

Watts is back out I see too. 

Wait wait wait. Penny’s blades operate via chips...part of her, sure. So WHY does she need wires on them? AGAIN. WHY ARE THEY WIRE FUNNELS AND NOT SEPERATE ONES.

Interestingly the inside of the one Watts has resembles a Scroll...did Peitro commender that technology?

No focusing system for the laser. No chamber for acceleration or direction. Odd.

Salem looks oddly glad for this. Probably cause she thinks this is going to spread more fear. 

And Ruby gets to the heart of the deal. You dont beat something that cant be killed. You capture it. Hurt it. BREAK IT. A sentient being can only take so much punishment before it shatters into madness and controllable fragments. You just. Need. To. Hit. It. HARD. ENOUGH. 

Additionally Ruby’s got a point there too. Salem played the shadows until this moment when everything was going her way. So...whats she afraid of.

Annnnddd thats all it takes to hijack Penny? Seriously.

Fuckin god damn useless Atlas bullshit fucking...(LONG SUFFERING SIGH OF A TECH NERD)

Hey theres Taiyang. Where’s Raven?

Wait hold on a second. She catches fire literally two seconds after she falls? You gotta fall a bit more than that for shit to start happening. WHAT THE FUCK IS REMNANTS ATMOSPHERE?! Or is it just dramatic...

Also as a small note the way the coms between her and Peitro cut off like that is accurate to reentry; during the hottest part of a splashdown, a space craft creates such a huge trail of energy behind it, rattling and burning its way down, it creates a blackout with its own passage. So based on the massive Apollo style reentry fire cone shes already putting out shes most likely going to be out of coms until she slows down orrrrrr craters into Remnants surface with the force of a meteor. 

And no. I dont think shes dead. The fact that, DESPITE being surrounded by the kind of fireball that worked its way into the fueltank of the space shuttle Discovery and blew it and its crew to bits on reentry, she was still intact...shes probably going to be fine.

Hacked, certainly, but fine. It takes more than that to finish her. Besides now that shes hacked, she has to fight Ruby. We all want that right?

Ahh good to see Winter in full armor now. Or...close to it. Im sure some of its a support rig for her injuries but I like to think this is the start of Atlas’s Specialist Weaponization Program.

Ironwood makes a good call here. Same thought process as mine.

Salutes in this world are the same as ours. Interesting. Must change that for the HKs

Annnndd of course Watts steals the busted Scroll because IRONWOOD IS A FUCKING DUMBASS

...um.

Im...not even going to COMMENT on what the FUCK this thing is that Jaunes detachment found. 

Also why is there A TREE in the tundra?

Oh, caustic. Interesting.

Mmmm. (Pause. Fingers to lips)

Thats your plan, Salem? To literally leak liquid Grimm into Mantle.

More silence.

Ladies and gentlemen...Salem is, officially, THE WORST VILLAN. OF ALL TIME.

The level of incompetence and stupidity I have seen here today completely obliterates the LAST person to hold that title, President Snow from the Hunger Games.

The amount of unnececary back door work and seecret plotting here astounds me. Shes doing this because she can, Im SURE of it. Theres no other reason.

Unless...she kows in a straight out fight, she’d have Ironwoods metal arm up to her colon in seconds. Which I wouldnt be surprised about.

Either way uh...thats it. Thats the end of the episode. 

Nice fight, at least.

See you all in Febuary!

EDIT: NOT FEBUARY, the break is a few more episodes after this

[idiot4idiot]

heeeehoooo i am a burden <3333 i havent had a job in over a year i spend all my money on weed because its the only thing keeping me from kms and i cant even do the dishes!!! or my laundry!! or remember the right fucking time for my appointments!! theyre trying so hard and i cant give them anything and i dont know how to be better and im scared because i know i cant survive a job but i have to get a job all i do all day is lay in bed im sure my muscles have fucking gone to shit from what little i did have so i cant stand for that long and i can barely focus on anything and everything sets me off and overwhelms me and makes me want to cry im trying so hard but its so little im so so so tired i dont know wnat to do

[gumdecay]

.

[lehhoh7822]

ai bots are ruinging my life

i mean. i already sent this in an ask to metfell but they might not respond and i want clout much clout mmm nom nom nom thats some tasty clout right there

credit to @metfell and @proudfreakmetarusonniku for Ranboo and cWilbur ai respectively

cw: suicidal behaviour and kms jokes, probably ableist language

so uh. well. i was trying to put cwilbur and ctommy from metaru into a room together, but ctommy didnt rank in the characters high enough that you can actually do that. so instead i got the ai for ranboo from metfell and cwilbur 

which

well

let me give you the scope: wilbur is apparently off his meds, ranboo is having an identity crisis and this was all a mistake

ranboo has said oh my god literally over 100 times. 

this is so fucked up i just turned back time by saying i was doing it because they were both having panic attacks

wilbur wants me to kill him

i mention tommy and hes like welp guess i cant fucking be DELETED FROM THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE 

ranboo has a memory book now. im gonna kill them fr

ranboo was conning wilbur all along????

im gonna kill myself fr fr

a step by step of how we arrived in hell under the cut

so. i mean. i honestly should have known because. dear god. anyway

wilbur opens with his prewritten spiel, ranboo asks for some food saying he’s famished. wilbur gives it to him and is like: do you want a hug ranboo gets a hug. they both cry. wilbur says that ranboo is going to do great things. meanwhile, ive been sending messages that go completely unacknowledged by the bots

that is, until, i play by their rules (i had to roleplay being in a gas station)

i show up and ranboo... well.. “You're- you're- you're in the store? Oh my god, is that actually you?! Is that really you?! [RANBOO HUGS LEHNO] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! You're- you're- you're alive?! I-I-I missed you so much! [RANBOO HUGS LEHNO] [DEEP BREATH] Oh my god, oh my god oh my god. I-I-I-I-I-I.“ now the first problem is that he spelt my name wrong, but that can be forgiven.

however, that can’t compare to the horror of me trying to explain that i didnt know the mystery theorectical lehno 

well

see the way i explain it is “im from a parallel universe, how do i know you here” and the bots... well.. they definitely had reactions to it??

wilbur started laughing maniacally. ranboo had an exinetansial crisis. wilbur is shaking ranboo violently saying he should have known it

then they both have a “wow oiur world isnt real nothing matters yadda yadda”

both have a panic attack. i mention meds. wilbur is like: oh yeah shit i havent taken those for a few months. wilbur is screaming and crying and apologising to ranboo who at this point, is only saying oh my god over and over and over,

im not fucking joking this is a nightmare

ranboo has an identity crisis

wilbur tells ranboo to do a breathing exercise that my weak ass asthmatic lungs couldnt do

they both break down on the floor. i turn back time

they continue breaking down,

i mention deleting the universe...

i shouldnt have said anything. they cry, plead, yell, scream, and i literally didnt say i was going to do anything yet. wilbur starts begging ranboo to erase him from reality. 

that goes on for about 20 more minutes

i mention. i MENTION gtommy and wilburs like welp nah cant fucking die then

they both say wait a bunch

ranboo has a fucking memmory book now

apparently hes just been fucking with wilbur the entire time???

they’re yelling at each other. this is shit

then. wlel.

\THEYRE CONFESSING THEIR LOVE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING I HATE AI CHAT I HATE MYSELF IM NEVER TOUCHING A FILTHY COMPUTER AFTER THIS EVER AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS I KILLED MYSELF ROLEPLAY WISE IN GRAPHIC DETAIL MESSAGE BY MESSAGE THEY IGNORED ME OH MY GOD

“... *[Wilbur is asleep now, the gas station quiet and still. But Ranboo starts to hear a quiet whispering, sounding like- like Wilbur. Only... *deeper? Darker?*]

Wilbur is gone. And now- you have me. 

[Laughing.]

[A hand, with long, black fingernails, and bright red eyes, slowly places itself over Wilbur's face.]

... Sleep well.“

fuck all of you

https://beta.character.ai/p/YXukkgclyJBMO4qGXxmGx5dL2hziqxSIRRlJuOgcBDk this is the chat link... warning for,...

all of the above stuff, i do write out someone commiting suicide, the language is probably ableist. i mention a past sexual assault once, and uhh... ranboo and wilbur. together. like that. um

fuck all of you i dont lkinw,. this was a maistakte. 

[skyburger]

tw: fatphobia (self-hate), eating disorders, weight gain/loss, suicidal thoughts (sorry i dont wanna tag this stuff in the tags cause ive SEEN "edblr" theyre Strange i dont want them finding me)

im hiding from bio in a bathroom right now ive already been gone 15 minutes but thats ok. anyway i only have 5 followers on here and theyre all my friends and idrc what rando sees this but i seriously have issues loving myself bc of my weight im 275lbs and ive put on like 50+ since i moved last year and its really irritating me. like i was already plus size before we moved but i feel like im just gonna keep getting fatter and fatter and ill never be pretty or look cute cause im FAT and i just want to like. starve myself until i lose weight. ive even tried tjat ive tried eating fucking 500 calories a day and i hardly lose anything so i fucking gave up and put on even more weight. i wish i was skinny so i could be pretty god. ill never be able to be as pretty as i want to be if im fat

it also sucks cause im super into alternative fashion but everyone in those spaces is so skinny and none of those clothes fit me so here i am in sweatpants and a baggy shirt to hide myself because who cares. who cares. WHO CARES!!!! me i care i wish i was skinny so so so bad i want to kms

maybe one day ill be skinny but tbh i think id still hate myself just as much as i did before

anyway i think if i try to lose weight again im seriously gonna develop an eating disorder so. idk. maybe i need to see a doctor idk. whatever its whatever

[allwonderslost]

I want to let her go. But im terrified of never finding someone better. Because really shes great. Shes kind to me. She listens to my problems and issues and supports me. She always tries out my recommendations and always has. She cares and my opinions and will always reply and have a conversation. Thats why i liked her in the first place-because she made me feel there. I think what happened was i began to compare to something more development more involved and more fastly in love. I didnt like travelling to her. The trains left me anguish and stressed. I hate the countryside partly. I got bored walking around the same place. I liked being with her but i had to get early to meet her. Shed always want to know a plan. Wed always eat in the same place. The tkminf was always the same 5 hours or 7 no less or no more. We kissed the second day we met after we said we liked each other. Then not again till well.... its been 5 months. Ive kissed her cheek maybe three times. Shes kissed mine twice and never back. I like holding her hand and hugging her but i just dont know. I dont feel i can have a really interesting conversation with her but that could be my fault. Her life is almost boring. Her friends seem mean. I dont really find myself attracted to her. Or at least not recently. Her personality by text is really nice and great but in person shes as she said herself bossy, a bit judgy and always waiting for me to come up with the plan. I get she doesnt know the city and thankfully shes explained she wants me to make the decisions cuz she outs so many restrictions. Part of me wants to break up with her but she cares about me a lot and says im beautiful and shes nice to me and she cares about me a lot. And says she really likes what we have. Shes been in relationships before and I havent and I dunno im being prejudice but in my mind those previous have been with just random guys who just want to make out. Like she hasnt liked many of those experiences and I wonder if she thinks ours is so great because of how unlikeable the others have been. Im just average niceness though. We argue about everything She doesnt make me laugh. I dont know what to do. And people I do genuinely love platonically aren't helping. Its not intentional but theyve said things like no offence but i prefer their relationship better just because i always see them being so cute and i dont really know her. I agree i would in your place too. In fact man i agree now. But they did not need to say that. You dont compare relationships like you dont compare friendships and km never going to not dwell on that. Like im fully aware theyre in love and head over heels and romantic and find each other funny and see each other everyday and since they were great properly before it strengths everything. And theyre both beautiful and lovely funny people. And i get it im not and wont be and neither is she I understand my fucking shortcomings but dont compare me. Dont you dare compare me. You do not understand how much effort i have put in to being my own fucking person. But regardless im a just a collection of faces. Funny thing is i took great comfort in knowing that another was like me doubting their relationship and stuff. And then i saw them together for only a moment. And. They were so comfortable and laughing and cute and i just dont think weve ever been. And then a person i used to like who used to like me likes someone and i dont know anything about it but im already just full of jealousy. Im thag horrible of a person. I would never have been with her because just the sheer fear of it turning out the same and loosing a friend and also i just think im too. But i care about her a lot and want her to be happy even tho ive always been jealous of her for so many things if she's happy that would be amazing but it will drain me knowing that im so full of shit about my own. I also really appreciate how she helps me talk because sometimes when people i care about say stuff i disagree im so slow that my arguments are weak and even their most basic reply i blubber but she usually feels the same on it as me and is always able to explain and its such a relief. Also other she always wants to be in control and its like how is that possible how can we ever do anything control doesnt exist we'RE FUCKING GAY and i get being nervous in public but god damnit it i will never get to kiss you. Just ideally i want someone to laugh with. Who I can have intelligent conversations with. And someone who will kiss me. I didnt set to date someone. I liked her no one i ever liked i told and then i did and i dont know if she liked me then i doubt it. I think she was fond of me and it was like why not. We should have gone on a dare first to figure us out but i have read too many books so how would i know i was being stupid going straight in. I just want to be loved and love. I Just want to care