#Elmo ain't shit

[dontgodownfornoroses]

Advent Calendar Day 14:

[tinkabelle24]

To Build a Home

Chapter 7: The Emerald Dress

TW! No trigger warnings, just tooth-rotting fluff 🥰

Masterlist / Chapter 6

---

After failing to get ahold of her via phone call twice the evening prior, and again tonight, Raph decided to swing by Val's apartment, just to be safe.

"You guys go on ahead," he told his brothers. "I've gotta make another stop."

"To your girlfriend's?" Mikey teased.

The red-banded terrapin fixed him a warning look. "It ain't like that."

"Suuure-"

"What's it like, then?" Donnie challenged.

"We're friends, that's it."

"You still haven't told us how you two met," Mikey remarked suggestively.

"And I never will. Back off."

"Aw, c'mon-"

"Mikey!" Leo snapped. "You heard him - back off." He then turned to a mildly stupefied Raph. "Go do what you need to do. Let us know when you're on your way home."

"Fine. See you, then."

---

The room was dark. He checked the sofa bed expecting her to be in it, sound asleep. It was the middle of the night, after all. But she was not. She was nowhere to be found...

Nothing appeared out of place, though he couldn't be sure; she owned next to nothing.

A pair of headlights drew the terrapin's attention down to the street. He watched as the vehicle slowed to a stop in front of the apartment, and a well-dressed young woman stepped out onto the sidewalk. She looked to be of similar height and build as Val, but he couldn't see past the feathered headpiece to confirm it was in fact, her.

He decided to wait.

Not long after the woman disappeared through the front entrance did Val's apartment door open.

Raph blinked, taken aback.

There she was, dressed to the nines in an emerald flapper dress; complete with headpiece, pearl necklace, evening gloves, and blood-red lips. She carried her heels, having swapped them out for her boots.

He was so entranced by her appearance, he failed to realise he'd been spotted.

Shit, Raph cursed himself as Val strode toward the window, promptly lifting it open.

She said nothing; she just stared at him, brows raised questioningly.

"Sorry, I-" Raph stammered. "I was gonna knock..." If their skin could flush, his face would be red as a beet right now...

The brunette cracked a smile and giggled, shaking her head. "C'mon," she beckoned, stepping aside.

"Did'ya just get back from a fancy dress party, or somethin'?" He enquired as he climbed through. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her.

"Nope," Val answered, gesturing to her outfit. "This is my uniform."

"Your- what?? Your uniform?"

She nodded. "We get to dress up on Saturdays, at the club I work at."

"Oh. Well, you look... p-pretty."

Though Val fought it, Raph could tell he'd made her blush. "T-thanks," she replied bashfully. "Tell you what, though, I can't wait to get out of it... O-only cos it's uncomfortable-"

"-Oh! Yeah, for sure-"

"-Yep..."

For a few moments, neither dared to look at or utter a single word to one another.

"Sorry I haven't answered any of your calls," Val finally spoke, regaining eye contact. "I've been flat out working the last couple days..."

"All good," Raph smiled reassuringly. "I just thought I'd stop by to make sure you weren't dead."

She tittered softly at that. "Thank you... Um... i-is there any way I can contact you, so this isn't so one-sided? I can't call private numbers."

"Actually, there is. Thanks for remindin' me..." The terrapin produced a flip-phone from the pocket of his utility belt. "This is for you."

"Oh my God, is that..." Val gasped excitedly as she retrieved the phone. "I haven't seen one of these in ages! ... M-my first phone looked just like this, except it was hot pink. I remember having the 'Stoned Elmo' ringtone... It went off once during quiet reading; urgh, you shoulda seen the teacher's face... Sorry, don't mind me..."

"Don't worry about it," Raph chuckled. He didn't mind. In fact, he found it endearing. It was nice to see someone so giddy over something seemingly insignificant, like an old brick phone pulled from the dumpster.

"So, I can call you on this?"

"You can call everyone on that, yeah."

"Okay, awesome. Thank you."

"H-hey, I was wonderin'..." Raph felt since Val made the first move last time, it was only fair for him to take the lead this time. Besides, he already knew he wanted to see her again. He enjoyed her company. "I was wonderin' when you'd be free to hang out next?"

Val smiled warmly at that. "I'm usually free after three Monday through to Thursday and Sundays. I'm meeting up with a friend tomorrow... What about Monday? I can make dinner?"

"Sure. Alright," the terrapin nodded. "I can bring somethin'. Dessert? You like the healthy stuff, dontcha?"

Val chuckled. "I'm easy. Whatever you think's best... Surprise me."

Both their heads snapped down at Val's new phone; it'd started buzzing.

"New message - from Mikey?"

Fuck, here we go...

"He says, 'is loverboy still there?'..." The brunette looked over at him, amused.

Raph groaned. "He's bein' stupid; tryna get under my shell..."

"That's what siblings are for," Val replied gently. She held up the phone. "Thank you for this... I really should be getting to bed, now. It's been a long few days..."

"Oh, yeah, of course. Sorry."

"Make sure to let me know when you get home safe. I'll be up; I've still gotta get this face off."

"For the record, I think ya look better without make-up." Raph's eyes widened once he realised what came out of his mouth.

That sounded way smoother in my head...

"-Not that ya don't look good with... make-up. I-I'm just sayin'..."

Help!

"I get what you mean," Val reassured; she'd thankfully decided to grant him mercy. "Thanks, again. Goodnight."

"Night."

Finally outside, Raph mentally slapped himself.

The fuck was that?

---

Masterlist / Chapter 8

@android-cap-007 @miss-andromeda @happymoonangel

[carli-meows]

The Static 3 - TubbyTronik (Apollyon)

In the static, acting Erratic

Error in the system, no display just static

Stuck in the Static, The Static 3

Gray, Black and White, (Oye, Eyo, transmission to me!)

I'm so rare, I get snatched up and I sound so good,

Elmo's gonna have to pack up outta Chavo's neighborhood

my sound's so rare you can barely feel it

styles so slick, you can't get a chance to smear it

PH80, and I ate the whole cow,

Pigged out like a piggy, still a Tubby not a sow

Got a sugar rush, and my dragon year is now

Upon the great wall of China i scraped your knee (How?)

3 Characters for you, P O 1, slick

nothing deep about me, except this crew that i run with

You're welcome to try us with those demonic powers

we're behind the static, so keep heckling like flowers

I remember being the White of the static Eons ago

I remember getting here, it was white as snow

In the static, I can still spit my lyrical smile style

and with the other static 2, I'll make it worthy while

In the static, acting Erratic

Error in the system, no display just static

Stuck the Static, The Static 3

Gray, Black and White, (Ok, luv, channel to me.)

I'm so applaudable, I get clapped up (Ayyo?)

Clap you in a strait tench jacket, straight strapped up (Oh)

I ought to gut punch you and invert your organs, but

you only pissed me off, so you get smacked up, twat

Out the static, first goal is to make your life tragic

Fuck up your duds, didn't need to use the TubbyMagic

I got the resolution, New Year's came really early

Yank your bitch ass back down 144p

Static bellied, pissed off and yellow headed

I'm a blockbuster, and you're just blockheaded

halfheartedly, I ask where the fuck you think you're headed

headbutt you, cause school always said I was fuckin hard headed

Lapses of memory with in the black of the static

I can hardly remember the isolation of the tragic

magic laid upon my new home with these other 2

pixels with me, this may be the best place to call tomb

In the static, acting Erratic

Error in the system, no display just static

Stuck the Static, The Static 3,

( And me. (And me. (And me.) ) )

I'm so matter of fact, I remain factual

Your blasphemous remains gasp in cathedral walls

Such slow breathing, Loud heart beating, pores bleeding

Can't hide from the hidden, suddenly no more breathing.

My liminal crimson art? [ C R I M I N A L ]

Putting [ R E D A C T E D ] in the static, straight Subliminal

I'm a wicked force of nature, unheard of before

The reckoning's before you and black blood's on the shore

Once apart of the static, always part of the static

You grow into the static, never away from the static

Nary a day passes without influence from my static realm

Nay, a whisper escaped, one day, and it was me, I tell em

Word of advice from your hueful god, dear

I'm going nowhere, and I'll always be near

Take my words with you, and listen, and hear

You just cannot stop what's already here

In the static, acting Erratic

Error in the system, no display just static

Stuck the Static, The Static 3

Gray, Black and White, (Hell yes! Transmit it to me!)

I'm so fly you can call me Sugar Ray

Call me late to dinner the way I ate sleep that day

My treasure's so green X'd up and mapped up

And the green so sticky, it might get slapped up

I pack up a bowl for the ones in rotation

no nightmare in it, no Freddy nor Jason

this shit be fictive, and that's what you sell em

I keep my scriptures zesty, bitch, I'm talkin lemon

I never fit in, because the waistline's busy

I wear a bucket hat, and it's full don't tip me

I'm green like a giant, not green with envy

And I doodle all day, that's why they call me Dipsy

One, two, three, the static's cozy like shag carpet

Uncomfy unconforming visions up and upon it

I ain't trippin on the gray, I keep my shoes tied

And here in the static? How could I lie?

In the static, acting Erratic

Error in the system, no display just static

Stuck the Static, The Static 3

Gray, Black and White, The Static 3

In the static, acting erratic, you better hop like a rabbit

Apollyon winks your essence damns it, and nabs it

trapped it in static, forever probably

Once they get you, you hang with the static 3

In the static, erratic, with the static 3

Trapped in the static, damns it, and nabs it

No matter once they get you, forever probably

Apollyon winks, you hop like a rabbit

Apollyon winks, you hop like a rabbit

Trapped in the static, trapped in the static

Apollyon winks, trapped forever probably

Now you forever hang with the Static 3

What are you lad's up to?

Flower's quiet.

FLOWERS QUIET?

Not even shit talking.

BUT THEY LOVE DOING THAT!

That's what I'm saying!

[chaos0pikachu]

you want me to defend my problematic favorite chars??? in mlm format?? with sources and a citation page to match with the times new roman font???

jokes on y’all i’m a proud ass college dropout 😎😎

[solluve]

Domsetic Luxiem Headcanons!! ahshuaduw

not proofread!!! mentions of spiders, squishing spider, ew spider ────────────────────────

vox

CANT DO SHIT TBH like "oh he's a housewife" he's not. Like sure, hell clean and cook BUT HE ONLY DOES IT WHEN YOU TELL HIM TO he messes with u to Like

"oh can u clean the bedroom?"

"wdym.. my demonic aura cleansed everything already."

WE DIDNT MEAN SPIRITUALLY GO CLEAN IT When you force him to, he actually does a good job!! Like clothes are folded, floors are swept and there's a huge ass pile of clothes in ur closet!! MF GTE UR ASS OVER HERE HES HOT BUT HES NOT GETTING AWAY he also likes to meditate but like.. isolated. If you disturb him he's gonna make YOU sleep on the couch half joke he might tho He takes pride into his meditation, you would want peace and quiet too yk?! but if u guys have a pet, he'll let that mf disturb him any dayy why does a dog get special privileges UR THE ONE WHO PAYS 50% OF RENT he prob has those doobermans he probably also bribed the apartment facility to let him in I'm like 100% sure that dog is here illegally but he loves the dog and you do too! partly. he can't dance for the life of him however it's it's embarrassing HE COULD DO TRADITIONAL DANCING !! but don't hit him up with some 21st century shit he'll look like he's got it and then fall mid way. gotta get his old as the the hospital HIS BONES CRACKED.

____________

shu

ehe hes everything we wanted yall !! I'm joking. This mf DOESNT KNOW SLEEP like you'll be going to get a drink at 3am and then straight up see some demonic looking figure in the hall its just him trying to fix some shit HE BREAKS THINGS JUST SO HE CAN FIX THEM

"how did the...light break?"

"ion know but what I do know is that I can fix it!"

CATCH HIM ON THE SERCUIRTY CAMERAS hes useful tho in thay aspect!! your landlord ain't getting any money from damages. Dishwasher broke? Hes on it !! The TV isn't working as well? hes on it !! this is an ad for shu yamino services go support him He also does wack as shit at 3am Yk how I said he was fixing something at night while u were getting a drink? He was fixing A SPIDER. SPIDER he said "oh !!! I stepped on him so I wanted to help him!" HOW U GON FIX THAT HOW DID HE EVEN KNOW HE STEPPED ON IT You also caught him fixing Christmas tree during December. He laughed and said, "it wasn't bright enough!" a police visited yall 2 hrs later one of ur neighbors called the cops since it was way to bright. He had to make it up with cuddles xoxo, and pay the fine xoxoxo

______ mysta GET GIM AWAY MANS TO FERAL like literally can't do SHIT maid mysta maid mysta!! YOUR MYSTAKEN (do u get the joke) HE JUST RUINS EVERYTHING you just cleaned the floors!! why is FUCKING MUD STAINS ALREADY?!? Like he can't clean, CANTNFUCKING COOK (we all know this.) I DONT even want to elaborate on how bad he cooks. You Handel the cleaning, cooking, and what does he do? he def ain't sitting there pretty (ugly/j) instead, he opts to get the money and shit !! But like It's concerning Like last time I checked he had money to pay rent and all that but....he had to much money left. More than usual. Your guys Financials were good dwdw! BUT HOW HE GONNA HAVE THOUSANDS LEFT HES SELLING DRUGS/ the obvious explanation and that his freinds make him do crazy ass stunts and give him money/j "do a flip off that porch. 10$ mf." LMFAOO he's also just...insane. You'll wake up at 3am again to see him on the phone with elmo LMFAOOO THOSE APPS THAT SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF CHILDREN IT SCARES HIM TO you'll hear the most frightful voice just like "when do you want the money?! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE" you have to hack in a delete that app for the mfer to sleep at night. He'll boast like "I'm not afraid of that shit it's all fake!" wait till u put a elmo plush on his bed ______

Luca YAHH HES SO EUSHWUS he's so cute omg but so messy. LIKE HE CAN CLEAN AFTER HIMSELF BUT HE HAS A HYPER MINDSET so it's like one thing after another, he can't slow down to clean. It's not that bad to clean after him, he doesn't make a bad bad mess. BUT HE DEF NEEDS TO LEARN TO TAKE A BREAK Nothing is shecduled either. It's just like, do this, then that, then this, the profit all of our belongings to sushang(ehe love her) But when he comes home from a long day.. omg Let me elaborate HE WAS CUDDLY ALWAYS BUT HES JUST extra extra cuddly he dosent want to do shit. he'll drag you from whoever you are and force you on the couch/bed and yall with just stay there Maybe for ever HE JUST FALLS ALSEEP SO EASILY like it's kinda concerning hyper energetic turing anemic at any possible moment he has he'll drag you along all the time for those moments He doesn't even speak he just mumbles and occasionally huffs out of relief he so cute omg but then THEN WHEN HES HYPER AGAIN HE WILL BODY SLAM YOU ONTO THE BED OR SOFA AGAIN CHILL THIS AINT THE WWE he doesn't know how strong he is omg.

______

Ike FIANLLY THE MOST LIKE REASONABLE MAN OUT OF EVERYONE but he's like a neat freak also, Like....did u just leave a fucking go gurt on the table when you went to get ur phone? DIRTY ASS MF !!!! he just wants to make sure the house is clean some people say, "your house reflects you" And I think that's true but!! he we we all know he gon snap THE MFER HE NEEDS TO PUT UP WITH his freinds trying be likebthe power rangers or some shit I find it funny they are just all different colors palettes BUT HES GREAT !! HE COOKS, CLEANS, ACTUALLY HAS CALM HOBBIES did I say calm mbmb let's not forget his karaoke SKILLS HELLO??? THE SCREAMING HE CAN DO THE AMOUNT OF TIMES U GUYS GOT NOISE COMPLAINTS nobody would've guess it was from him. he just smiles, aplogizes and hands over the money he handing over the money so willingly cause that mf KNOWS IT WAS HIS FAULT but he don't give a shit LMFAOO he'll shut the door, wait a little, then start cursing out the neighbors in Swedish he's he's scary. he's literally like those innocent ass looking dogs names princesses that's a devil in secret he's ur devil in secret tho <33

────────────────────────

[franciya]

I want to talk about itttt,I'm liking this 'New Elmo' a whole lot,he gets angry/super annoyed for very justifiable reasons,he has unscripted non-standard sounding,real laughs that sound like the dude who voices him was just having so much fun with the antics surrounding him and is somehow managing to get a little bit of his own personality through this character, obviously without straying away too much but just enough

Elmo and Cookie Monster interactions are goddamn priceless,CM does whatever and Elmo just acts so frustrated and tired of his shit by episode one,I....they act like old roomates who have known one another their whole lives, should be tired of each other by now but they ain't and it's all

Just too endearing

[sadslimecreaturearchive]

so is the one part in ain't shit elmo, bibble, or r2d2.

[crunchity-munchity]

I've just known it as elmo burns shit and there ain't nothing you can do about it

[painted-piggy-ships-archive]

Poe: Hah, this edible ain't shit.

Minutes later...

Poe, distressed: Elmo is a glove.

[chwrpg]

It ain't a party till something gets broken.

A NOTE FROM ADMIN R: Clink, Clink. We’re popping bottles. One, finally the Brodie Balcoin curse has been lifted. We will have a Brodie and have a Brodie stay. If one thing has come from 2k17, it’s this. But not only come and stay, but be great. Blessing truly come to those who wait, everyone. Thank you Ari, for filling this much needed role and I think we all know that you’re going to kill it. Thank you, I love you and ah! We have a Brodie, y’all!

OOC NAME/ALIAS, PREFERRED PRONOUNS, AGE & TIMEZONE: Ari, They/Them, 23, EST

DESIRED CHARACTER Brodie Balcoin

HOW ACTIVE WILL YOU BE? You know as long as it’s before 10:30 I’m here.

DESCRIBE THE CHARACTER:

Brodie is constantly trying to be better. Trying being the operative word. He knows what’s expected of him, he knows what he should do but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s found a way to completely ignore his impulses. He looks around at his friends and wonders how they make it seem so easy, even though his truly logical part of his mind knows that’s far from the case. But even though he feels like he’s a lost cause, he knows that he has to at least make an effort if he wants Juno to stay stable and happy and if there’s any chance of him being able to see his daughter on a consistent basis. 

Everyday is a whole new slate of choices for him, a test to see whether or not the town will see Brodie Balcoin the playboy or Brodie Balcoin the young father who’s learned about responsibility. On most days he tries to find a happy medium but that doesn’t serve him as well as he wants it to. 

SAMPLE WRITING:

“Hey man check this out,” Brodie glanced over at one of the line cooks on break and strummed his guitar a few times before singing him a few lines from a song he had just written. When he finished, he had a bright smile on his face as he looked at his coworker. “What do you think?”

“It’s good, I guess.”

“You guess? Come on, man, you gotta give me more than that.” He laughed softly and shook his head as he put the guitar down. “This song needs to be it you know? This is gonna be the song that gets me my daughter back. I can feel it in my bones.” His excitement was clear and he had been thinking over the plan for the entire week, wanting to make the song perfect before he played it for Juno later that day. 

“How the hell is a song gonna do that, Balcoin?”

Brodie rolled his eyes and got to his feet as he pulled his pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. “Because man, all I gotta do is get the right people to hear it and then boom, I’m making buckets. I mean come on, all the people that come in and out of this restaurant. I think Kid Grantwoods girlfriend comes here like all the time and last week I saw that Larkin guy visiting. I got a few options. I play it on the speakers in St. Elmo’s and when people realize they can’t Shazam it they start asking around for the name of the song and that’s when I reveal it’s me and then you know, they pull out a check right there.” He smiled and laughed softly before continuing, “Or I just put this shit on a disk or USB or whatever the fuck people use and slip it to the right person. Boom, here’s your check and my new hit single. Then I start making money, get a steady career and then boom, Papa Brodie is back in action.” He smiled proudly as he finished his short pitch and glanced at the cook who just rolled his eyes and walked away. “Hey man, hate all you want but don’t hit me up when you want tickets to my sold out concert!” 

He took a deep breath as he finally pulled out his lighter and started pacing slightly as he thought through his plan more. He knew it wasn’t exactly a genius plan but it was something and at this point something was better than nothing. He pulled out his phone as he smoked, his lock screen still a picture of him, his daughter and Juno. He stared at it for a few minutes, still in awe that he was at this point in his life. He could barely match his socks on most days but he and the woman he loved had made a whole person, A whole person who he had written songs for, who was so close to him but so far. He had never pictured himself as father, as someone who would make his actual own family but even the short taste of it had been better than any high he had encountered. 

Brodie shook his head and slid his phone back into his pocket before flicking his cigarette. “Man fuck that guy, this song is gonna change everything, I know it.” He grabbed his guitar and put it back in the case so he could get ready for the afternoon shift. One day soon he’d be out of there, Juno and baby in tow and he’d prove to everyone that Brodie Balcoin could never stay down for too long.

[kelandry5]

Look. Big bird scares the shit out of me for some reason and I ain't a fan of elmo either but Sesame Street does some good stuff and trying to help traumatized children is a good thing. Yeah, life is hard and suckey but children need help to get through that because they aren't ready to cope with it all on their own. They don't have the knowledge or the skills. And well, even if Big bird is scary af to me, I think it's a good thing what the show tries to do.

[miavita-bella]

Cause Tickle-me-Elmo ain't shit, never has been shit, and probably has a small dick anyway.

I love we aren’t putting a cheating scandal past A*chie. 😂😂😂

But Betty, what up with that, bitch?