#Egg-Scuse Me

[thehankyshoppe]

I Herd That Cow Embroidered Flour Sack Tea Dish Towel

I Heard That Heifer. This whimsical and unique tea towel adds fun to the decor of any home. Use as a regular towel to dry your dishes and hands or just display as a decoration. Makes great housewarming or hostess gift!! Embroidered on a white 26" x 26" heavy flour sack towels, hemmed on all 4 sides, and a loop for hanging. Personalize with a complimentary name.

Machine wash, air dry for best results. Touch up with a warm iron, avoiding embroidery area.

[nb-octopus-writes]

once you're in the hive, the other bees assume you're supposed to be there

[Masterpost]

Summary:

Virgil accidentally gets absorbed by his best friend's brother's polycule.

In his defense, they keep feeding him every time they see him, and Patton's cooking is really good.

Chapter 1: Halloween Party

Wordcount: 1.9K

~

There are a lot of people Virgil doesn't know at this party. Remus is here, somewhere, and Virgil needs to find him again before the party ends, because Remus was his ride and he doesn't want to get left here. Janus is here too though, and Virgil doesn't think Janus would let Remus leave without him, and he's sure Remus wouldn't desert Janus, so he's trying not to worry too much about the fact that he doesn't currently know where Remus is.

But that's it for people Virgil knows, and Remus didn't even bother to introduce him to anyone before fucking off to who knows where, and Virgil’s certainly not going to walk up to a random stranger and introduce himself, so he's currently appreciating the snack table. If he's eating or deliberating on what to eat next, he can't be expected to talk to anybody, right?

“’Scuse me, itsy bitsy,” someone says from behind him, and Virgil turns to see a vaguely familiar man in a dazzling prince costume holding a fresh plate of deviled eggs.

Virgil moves so that the prince dude can set the plate down on a clear spot on the table, and frowns. “I'm taller than you, Princey.”

Prince dude shrugs, plucks one of the eggs up, and takes a large bite. “Lucky you, or we'd've had to ask you to vacate the premises,” he says. “No little spiders allowed, real or fake.”

Which, yeah, now that he's mentioned it, Virgil had noted an extreme lack of spider-themed decorations, which is unusual for Halloween. Usually there'd at least be spiderweb cupcakes, but the cupcakes at this party are mostly cute ghosts.

There's probably a good reason for that, Virgil realizes with a sinking feeling. “Should I change?”

“You got another costume handy, or were you planning on spinning a spider-silk cocoon and metamorphosing into a butterfly?”

Virgil grimaces. “No,” he admits.

Prince Dude considers him. “It's not very realistic,” he says, which is true. Virgil hadn't been going for realism, he'd been going for passable costume I can make on short notice. He's wearing black jeans and a black hoodie, and he'd cut some pool noodles in half and wrapped them in more black cloth and stuck them to his back for the other four legs. It had been a pain to get them to stay in place properly, actually, and he'd ended up sewing their wrappings to the back of his hoodie in order to keep them where he wanted them. He'd been pretty proud of it, given that Remus had dropped “we're going to a costume party at my brother's house” on him like an hour beforehand, but now he's wishing he'd come up with any other idea. He could have put a sheet over his head and been a ghost, or something. Granted, that would have required him to have a sheet that was both white and that he was willing to cut holes in, which he didn't, but still.

Prince Dude continues to quietly scrutinize Virgil, and he wants to squirm under his gaze. Eventually, the guy shrugs and says, “Might be best to ask the scaredy-cat himself. Wait here, I'll be back.” And he saunters off before Virgil can answer.

For lack of anything better to do, Virgil picks up a deviled egg and shoves the whole thing in his mouth. It's really tasty, actually, and now he's wishing he'd taken smaller bites rather than horking it down in one.

Virgil had thought that Princey was just being mean with the “scaredy-cat” thing, but the guy he's talking to now actually is dressed as a calico cat. Prince Dude points back at Virgil, and Mister Calico Cat glances in his direction, then turns back to Princey. Virgil can't hear what they're saying, but he supposes Prince Dude must've asked Calico if Virgil’s costume was too creepy crawly scary.

They talk for way longer than Virgil had expected, and he can't tell if Calico's response was more like “No, he's fine,” or more along the lines of “Yes, that's terrifying, please have him removed immediately from my sight and also my home.”

He occupies himself with another deviled egg. If he's going to get kicked out, he might as well enjoy some more of this tasty food first.

Oh, fuck. Remus.

Remus isn't going to want to leave early just to take Virgil home, and Virgil still doesn't know where he even is! Fuck!

Well, Remus could have warned him not to be a spider, so if Virgil gets kicked out of the party it'll be at least partly Remus's fault. Virgil doesn't know anybody here, but Remus knows at least half these people, and if Calico’s spider aversion is enough that there are no spider-themed decorations in the house on Halloween, that sounds like the kind of thing Remus would know about.

Granted, Remus revels in being gross and annoying, but still! He's not a total dick. He should have told Virgil.

Fucker.

Calico vanishes into the other room, and Prince Dude comes back over to Virgil. He doesn't look like he's about to kick Virgil to the curb, at least. Virgil braces himself anyway.

“Good news!” Princey says with a grin. “Li’l Mister Muffet says you don't look like a creepy crawly death dealer and he doesn't have the urge to remove you with arson!”

Virgil blinks. “...gooood?” he says slowly. He hadn't even considered kill it with fire being a potential response to his costume. That would have been worse than just getting kicked out of the party, actually.

“Honestly you're much more Doc Ock in silhouette, Spider-Man,” Princey continues. “That helps a lot.”

Virgil glances back at where Prince Dude and Calico had been chatting. “So he didn't leave the room because he can't stand the sight of me?” he asks anyway.

“Nah, he wanted to make another plate of horse devours,” Princey says, reaching past Virgil to grab a cupcake off the table. This one has a little frosting bat.

“A plate of what?” Virgil says, because surely he didn't hear that right.

“Little snacks,” Prince Dude clarifies instead of repeating himself. “Our fridge is crammed with delicious bits and bobs. It's been so hard to resist the temptation to eat them before the party.” He bites appreciatively into his cupcake, then adds with his mouth full, “You'd think he wouldn't notice what with how much he made, but nooo, sneak one chocolate covered cherry before party time and it's a lengthy scolding for you!” Princey sighs dramatically, then cheerfully devours the rest of his cupcake.

“...hors d'oeuvres?” Virgil says hesitantly.

“Yeah, a couple ordervs of deviled eggs, cheese and crackers, and those scrumptious little pinwheel things,” Princey says. Virgil’s not sure if Princey actually doesn't know how hors d'oeuvres is pronounced, or if he's messing with him, but then Princey gives him a mischievous grin that one, confirms that yes, Princey does know what he's doing, and two, is so familiar that it freezes Virgil in place as the pieces click together in his brain.

The lack of a mustache makes Prince Dude's face look different, and so does the way he did his makeup, and he carries himself differently, but it's undeniable all the same: Virgil knows that grin.

This is Remus's twin brother.

Now that he's connected the dots (you haven't connected shit) the family resemblance is clear even to Virgil’s honestly rather faceblind eyes.

This is Remus's brother, and it's his house they're partying at.

… Virgil doesn't remember the guy's name.

Fuck, he should've made sure he at least knew who the party hosts were, especially the one related to his mischief goblin of a best friend.

Well he can't exactly ask now, can he?

“Also like, five types of cupcakes,” Princey continues, oblivious to Virgil’s inner turmoil. “Seriously, have you tried the cupcakes? Chef Boiardelightful made multiple separate batches of different flavors, from scratch. And they're all delicious!”

Virgil smirks. “And did you try to snitch them before the party too?”

Princey gasps theatrically, pressing a hand to his chest. “How could you accuse me of such a thing!?” he protests with exactly as much dramatic emotion as Virgil would expect from Remus's twin. “For your information, I did not! I merely sampled a portion of the batter left on the spatula after the cupcakes had gone into the oven. Also some of the frosting.”

“He means that he licked the bowls clean,” says a new voice, and Virgil does not jump out of his skin, thank you very much. And even if he did jolt a little, it's nothing to the startled squawk Princey emits.

Calico's back, holding a platter of little finger sandwiches on toothpicks. He offers them up to Virgil, who takes one. “Thanks.”

“No worries, kiddo!” Calico says cheerfully, and puts the rest of the platter down on the snack table. Princey plucks up two sandwiches by their toothpicks, and gets a stern look in response. “Make sure to leave some for the guests,” Calico scolds.

“My delightful and beloved Patissier,” Princey says, cupping Calico's face gently with his free hand. “I assure you that each of our guests could have a heaping plateful of food and we would still have leftovers until next Tuesday. No-one will be going home hungry.”

It really is an impressive spread. Everything Virgil’s tried has been really good. Remus really could have played up the ‘free food’ angle more when trying to convince Virgil to come. If he'd known the food would be this good, then overriding his usual party-related reservations—it's gonna be loud, there will be a lot of people, I don't know anybody, etc—would have been a lot easier. Then again, Virgil probably wouldn't have believed him. He'd mostly been expecting pizza and cheap beer, honestly, not– not homemade delicacies.

The tiny sandwich Calico gave him is lightly toasted, with some kind of sliced-meat-and-cream-cheese filling, and a little green leafy garnish on top. It definitely looks much fancier than most things Virgil eats, and he can understand why Calico doesn't want Princey to eat them all. That probably took a decent amount of effort. He almost feels bad eating it himself, except that Calico had offered it to him specifically, and it would probably be more rude at this point to not eat it.

“Are you sure my costume is okay?” Virgil asks, interrupting the minor squabble Princey and Calico had fallen into.

“Oh, yes, you're fine,” Calico assures him. “Trust me, if you were pinging my brain as an actual spider I wouldn't be in the room right now, let alone standing next to you.”

“Really, cause most cats I know would eat a spider soon as look at it,” Virgil quips, and is rewarded with Calico laughing.

“That wouldn't be very good host-ly of me, now would it?” he says. “I would never eat a guest!”

“Not unless they're a reptile with scallions,” Princey teases, and Calico flushes.

“Hey!” he protests, swatting Princey's shoulder with one hand and trying to cover his extremely red face with the other. Virgil wonders what the reference was, exactly, but doesn't think it's his place to ask. It seems rather personal, from how hard Calico is blushing.

…maybe he'll ask Remus later if he knows what the story there is.

~~~~

Chapter 2: The Morning After

[raz-writes-the-thing]

Not Little Red (Walking Dead Drabble)

Negan x GN!Reader / requests are: open and encouraged

Summary: You really shouldn't enjoy egging Negan on as much as you do.

CW: blood (walker), implied smut

TWD tag list: @nervoussystemss (send an ask to be added to a tag list!)

___ ___ ___ ___ ___

“You look like shit,” is the only sentence that comes out of your mouth. Your ribs are heaving, walker blood splattered across your chest and face. Negan’s jaw drops in disbelief that you’ve actually just said those words to him. 

“Ex-fucking-scuse me, darling- but that is not a nice thing to say,” he growls out dangerously. He flicks Lucille toward you, and another spray of walker blood lands across your clothes. You make your best effort not to flinch and instead serve him with a killer smile, effectively teasing the man further. 

“Do it again, daddy.” 

Negan laughs. A dark, lustful chuckle of a thing. He stalks closer, eyeing you up and down hungrily. You’re not scared of the Big Bad Wolf, and you are most certainly not defenceless Little Red. 

“You think you can play with me, doll? I would ruin you and you’d thank me for it.” 

You spit at his feet, which only serves to egg on the man further. 

“Abso-fucking-lutely not,” you reply. “If anything, I’d ruin you. You couldn’t handle me, Negan. Big Bad Wolf flexing his power at anyone who blinks in your direction. You couldn’t handle me at all.” 

Negan’s brows arch up in genuine surprise. The two of you had been flirting from a distance for a while now, slowly circling each other like predators closing in on their prey. But who would victimise who? That was the question, wasn’t it? The both of you were such powerful personalities that when the two of you were together it was like watching a cage match. It was a surprise you both hadn’t ended up fucking in the middle of a meeting or something yet. 

“That sounds like a challenge,” Negan says lowly. His eyes flick down your form, stopping by your lips. “Are you challenging me, darling?” 

You step forward and into his personal space, giving him a taste of his own medicine and eyeing him up and down like a piece of meat. Judging by the tent beginning to grow in his pants, he likes it. 

“Maybe. Are you up for it?” 

“Oh, doll- you have no fucking idea how up for that I am.”

[thatfanfictionchick]

OKAY I know Leraye's event in WHB is over but it has been ceaselessly rattling around in my brain for DAYS and I NEED to scream.

We get some funny moments with Leraye finding a snake and a pen and hurling a meteor into the forest trying to use magic to summon clouds for thunder but the MEAT of the story is about an angelic invasion that has Satan and Sitri and the other nobles battle-royaling.

We've been bamboozled, Holmes!

Help them Leraye, you're their only hope! no, literally

So my boy becomes a one-man gatling gun, head-shotting angels from a positively ridiculous distance to try and single-handedly save the suburbs of Gehenna from becoming a stomping ground.

I'm too scared to know if this is something that could legitimately happen from shooting a gun for too long my boy really said 'for the cause!' 🥹 and with some suspension of reality you totally forget that he's wiped out thousands of angels without running out of ammo UNTIL HE DOES

the way I was HOLLERING you don't even know

Baby boy broke his own horn to use for ammo and yes I was crying 😫 but he DOES IT my boy single-handedly takes out the entire army but he doesn't even get to chill because THIS BITCH

Your hair is ugly and your bow looks stupid 😤

lmaooo fried like a Marie Calendar pie! Anyway turns out Leraye loves storms so much because lighting saved him from being split open like a piece of fruit by Michelleel.

I need y'all to know that I audibly gasped 'NO' and threw my phone across the bed BECAUSE at the beginning-ish of Leraye's battle there's this:

I was FUMING like do you mean to tell me Stolas was there the whole time and he didn't help?? Bruh??? Ex-fuckin-scuse me???? STOLAS SLANDER MY BOY IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A FIGHT.

So then it jumps back to like, present day, where Paimon is chilling in the pub with Naberius and Stolas after finding them in Gehenna in the rain while he's waiting for Leraye to come meet him.

Not me going huh? wuh?? cause like WHAT DID STOLAS EVEN DO??

tsundere baby lmao

OKAY so then it jumps back to after the battle. Michelleel has been fried like a forgotten pizza and Leraye has collapsed and Sitri has finally come running. He heaves Leraye onto his back and RUNS to town because Leraye is only looking a little better than swiss cheese and uh kinda needs some patching and during the course of this run Leraye happens to notice something as only he can because this man has the keenest eyes God has ever made.

and would have easily overrun Gehenna, yes.

But wait! There's more!

You did good, my dude.

WAIT WHAT.

lkjfreoifjrslkfslj STOLAS BABY I'M SO SORRY I EVER DOUBTED YOU I KNEW YOU WERE A GOOD EGG 😭💕

So Leraye knew the whooole time that Stolas helped him hold off the invasion of Gehenna all those years ago and he's aways wanted to thank him for it I'm SOBBING.

Anyway, best event period because it featured my two faves interacting in a way I didn't expect I'll be thinking about it for ages to come.

[killercooksblog]

KillerCook Baking Challenge

Howdy - In celebration of starting this blog, I present a challenge! If you've read the book, you'll know the first chapter was about BROWNIES! AKA the best dessert ever, probably. I'll post it below so if you have no idea what I'm talking about you can catch up and participate!

I love a good brownie, and I think everyone has their own unique way of baking goods that makes the recipe special in its own way! Yes, even box mix, cause I know not everyone is following those instructions all the time. If you're a raw batter eater, you're amongst safe company!

The challenge: I want you to make a pan of brownies with you're own secret ingredient that makes it *chef's kiss.* To participate, you gotta submit a pic of your brownie platter to my submissions or ask box by 3:00 PM EST Saturday, June 8th. Additionally, you need to submit a summary of the flavor and texture of your recipe, without saying the name of your secret ingredient.

For example: in my double mint chocolate brownies chapter, I would summarize it as - a dulcet double layer of cacao richness that's not too cakey and not too moist, that will leave you with a fresh and happy ending.

Or something like that. Get creative! I wanna rate your brownies! I'll be playing along too and for the sake of it, I won't be doing mint chips so I can leave y'all guessing too ;)

With the camera set in place, Killer dusted his apron and straightened his helmet one last time before pressing the ‘Go Live’ button, muttering a quick, "It's show time," under his breath.

“Hello, Killer here,” raising a hand in the air, the quarter sleeve of his dress shirt rolled neatly on his forearm. “Time for another day of relaxing vibes and delicious desserts. Today, I’m making Double Chocolate Mint Brownies. I love a goody, gooey brownie, especially when there’s mini chocolate chips and ganache involved.”

As he spoke the well-rehearsed introduction, Killer wandered around the kitchen pulling out mixing tools and fixing himself a glass of bubble milk tea, congregating on the island countertop. Oven already preheated, eggs and butter on standby and at room temperature. Slurping up a tapioca ball, he paused for a minute while he chewed.

“Mm, ‘scuse me, didn’t expect that one to come up all the way. Tasty. Moving on, you know my number one motto: A clean and sterile working environment is best when dealing with things you intend to eat. And please, enough with the Jason Vorhees jokes, my mask looks nothing like his. I’m trying to make a name for myself as an independent serial killer……of hunger and all your hearts,” he brought his hands together to make a heart shape for the audience.

The ping of a microtransaction being made caught Killer’s attention, leaning close to his phone. Someone had bought and redeemed a highlighted message, and it was one of those moments he wished he hadn’t added that incentive, now being forced to read and answer it live.

“MurderinoSquadAssemble has this to say – ‘a serial killer of hunger and OUR hearts? Seems sus but ok. #redflagbehavior.’ Calm down armchair detective. For the record, I haven’t been caught yet and it won’t be to the likes of you.”

Biting down a chuckle, Killer stepped back to put on plastic gloves, a baking hat, and his favorite apron. It was a faded blue color but what really made it endearing for him, was the print.

That’s Hot

It had a small whisk and measuring spoons sprawled on the bottom, and the capital T had a baker’s hat falling off it. Underneath the text, a stovetop on fire. A gift from Kid on his 25th birthday.

Smiling privately, Killer turned to give the audience his side profile as he tied the apron strings. His dress shirt clung to his muscled arms, threatening to burst if he flexed too hard. His ass looked firm and thick in the dark chino relaxed pants he wore.

Prepping the baking tray, Killer explained the ingredients he was using and his choices for alternatives. He preferred to use ethically sourced chocolate and tapioca flour instead of all-purpose flour. He used vegan butter but liked to brown it first to caramelize a bit before combining it to the batter.

“This flour is what I used to make the tapioca pearls for my milk tea in my 14th video. It’s still up if you want to check it out and give it some love,” he poured the batter into the pans.

Turning around completely, he walked to the oven to place the pan on the middle rack. Killer didn’t need to bend down as much as he did to place the pan inside. He also didn’t need to jut his hips backwards a little to make his butt look bigger on camera, but it was nice hearing the pings echoing in the kitchen as he was gifted with tips and praise. Not that he’d admit that to anyone of course.

Killer turned the volume of his Bluetooth speaker louder, enjoying the lofi channel playlist he chose for the day’s stream. It was hard to find good music these days, not with a DMCA lawsuit one flagged video away.

“You can find where I use the same ingredients for the pre-made mint filling layer in my 20th video, when I made my homemade No-reos.”

Underneath the kitchen island countertop was a small red button that Killer pushed. That was the alarm indicator Kid had installed to notify the redhead that it was time for him stop what he was doing, get dressed, and join the video for the taste test.

Hoping beyond hope that Kid would be wearing the clothes Killer laid out for him, the masked man entertained the audience. Acknowledging the redeemed gifts, answering comments and questions and taking a much needed bathroom break. Letting the ads run a bit longer to milk the revenue, Killer stood at the doorway waiting for Kid to make an appearance. Asshole was running late, unbelievable. HE WANTED to be in the live streams, Killer didn’t ask him to be a part of it.

Shaking his head, he sat down in front of the camera, preparing to be KillerCook once more. The oven had three minutes left on the timer and the smell of chocolate wafted. The stream continuing, he began whisking the ganache to pour over the brownies.

Killer heard Kid walking through the hallway as he whisked. Bursting through the door, shirtless, his golden piercings that littered his nipples, nose bridge and ears shined from the open kitchen windows that showed a beautiful sunny day outside.

Timer going off, Killer fumbled to the back while hissing out, “Put a fucking shirt on! Why do you do this every time?!”

“C’mon Kill, they’re not gonna ban you for male nipples, be real.”

“Not risking it, we’re already on thin ice for using copyright music after 2 warnings. Remember? That’s how you lost Your Job as the video editor. Put on a shirt or I pull the plug.”

Angrily swearing, Kid walked back through the door to find a shirt.

“The last step is pouring the ganache over the mint layer and spreading it evenly for a smooth coating. Then you’ll want to store it in the fridge to let the top layer set. This will take up to an hour or you can keep it in longer until you’re ready to eat.”

Cutting into the pan to prepare a square for Kid, the masked baker placed both the pan and the taste test piece in the fridge. Killer once again entertained the audience for the 5 minutes it took for Kid to come back, in a ruffled black vest that was unbuttoned. Killer pulled out a chair for him and went to retrieve the taste test square, placing it on the table in front of Kid.

Coming into view of the camera with an annoyed pout on his face, Kid shot a sneer at Killer before tightening his jaw and looking directly into the lens.

“Alright, now the reason you’re all really here. To watch me eat shit you can’t have and look hot doing it.”

Standing straight, he stuck out his right arm and flexed, slowly moving it down with deliberate motions that further focused on his bulging muscles instead of the baked good. Bringing it to his face, Kid licked his maroon painted lips before taking a bite with a grin. Letting out an approving grunt.

“How’s it taste?”

“Tastes damn good, brother,” Kid responded, biting into the brownie again.

“Can you uh elaborate some more for the audience?”

“It’s chocolate, tastes like chocolate,” he grunted out in between bites.

Sighing deeply, “Does the texture feel balanced? Is it too dry? Can you even taste the mint I added with the chocolate chips?”

Licking his fingers clean and wiping his mouth with the back of hand, Kid shrugged. “Tastes perfect. Like any good brownie should be, it’s moist,” devilish smirk on his face and he faced the camera.

Feeling Killer’s serious as fuck glare through the mask, “Yeah yeah you can taste the mint. It doesn’t overwhelm the chocolate but it wasn’t overstated either. Like a little nudge wanting acknowledgment.”

“And there you have it, moist and acknowledged. Tune in next time when I make one of my favorite dishes, Spaghetti aglio e olio. It’s simple to prepare and like everything else I make, slays. This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

End Livestream.

Killer lifted his baker’s hat, helmet and took his hairnet off, pulling his hair from the tight wound rubber elastic he’d put it in.

“One of these days you’re going to get me banned, dickwad. Think about that the next time you want to fuck around. All those comments of praise and validation gone just like that,” he snapped his fingers, “Because you can’t stop being a dumb whore for 5 minutes.”

“I’m a whore?! Oh stuff a brownie in yer mouth and calm down. You’re not you when you’re hangry,” Kid snickered, ducking out of the kitchen to avoid the stainless-steel bowls flung at him.

Bonus: The comment section

ICantEven101: Killer-san, why won’t my sauce stick to my noodles? KillerCook: You may be using too much oil or butter. A good trick is to add in pasta water to thicken the sauce. Corn starch is a good binder as well.

VanillyExtract: PunkNeverDied69 can I take you on a date? 🥺 PunkNeverDied69: You can’t afford my tastes.

GimmeDa’Za: Day 15 of asking for a Heat cameo and dutch oven pizzas. FlamingHot420: Why are you people obsessed with me? I walked into the kitchen ONE TIME.

[majorietaylorsversion]

monday mornings, with sirius

you need to go grocery shopping, and you drag sirius with you.

That Monday, you wake up to an almost empty fridge. In the hazy blue of the fridge light and the early morning sun, you peer through your drooping eyes to find half a bottle of milk, one egg, no bacon, and a sore scarcity of fresh fruit. You sigh. 

Your fluffy socks drag against the cold wooden floor as you head back to the bedroom. Even from the hallway, you can hear your boyfriend’s unusually loud breathing (bordering on full-on snoring, but Sirius insists he is only breathing noisily), and you peek around the door frame, eyeing the tangle of limbs that rest there. You bury a smile behind the back of your wrist. You can’t help it, it’s a Monday morning, and all you have to do today is go grocery shopping with your lovely boyfriend who Definitely Does Not Snore. 

You dodge the clothes dumped haphazardly on the floor as you make your way over to him, almost slipping, thanks to your very fluffy but slightly impractical socks. The light filters in through the curtains. You approach Sirius, his arms sprawling (elegantly, he would argue) above his head, the open window letting in enough of a breeze to gently whisk some locks of hair across his face. You’ve always liked his hair. Sirius puts a lot of time and effort into it, and the result is soft, luxurious curls you always want to run your hands through. 

You don’t resist the urge now, tenderly brushing some curls behind his ear and out of his face. In response, he (not so gently, but still tenderly) grabs your wrist, yanking you into his chest. You let out a yelp as you lose your balance and shoot forward into Sirius’ waiting arms. 

“Hey! That wasn’t very nice,” you tease, though you end up mumbling it into his neck as Sirius wraps his arms around you, firmly anchoring you to him. 

“You left me, pup, I don’t have to be nice to you.” His voice is still thick with sleep. It makes you smile even more. 

“I wanted to get up and make breakfast. I was being a good-” 

“If you were a proper good girl, you would’ve just stayed in bed with me. It’s only like, 8:30. Too early,” Sirius argues, and you roll your eyes. ‘Scuse you for being hungry. 

His hand moves to the back of your head, and you roll your eyes again, you know what move he’s going to pull next, you’ve been in this position too many times before. Very predictably, Sirius rolls both of you over, placing you in his haven of duvets and pillows, with his warm and abnormally large hands now cradling your face. He’s grinning at you, the early morning softening his signature smirk into one more tender, just for you. Sirius has a very lovely smile. 

“We’re out of food. We need to go grocery shopping.”  

“Sweetheart, you know I love you, but it’s too early.” 

“It is not too early! And even if you don’t like it, we still need food, and I’m not gonna wait around until it's ‘late enough’ for you to get out of bed. Besides, what are we gonna do? Order in? For breakfa-” You’re rudely cut off by Sirius’s hand clamping over your mouth. He’s laughing now, at you, at your silly too early morning rant, and you feel your cheeks heat. You try to hide your face in his hands. And fail. 

“Fine, fine, you’re right. We can’t order in on a Monday morning. We’ll go grocery shopping. You win, pretty girl.” He’s still looking at you, his hand still over your mouth. Still smiling his million dollar smile.  

-

After finally dragging your annoyingly lazy boyfriend out of bed and out of your apartment, you stand in the supermarket, peering at the different breakfast foods on display. Said boyfriend is being entirely unhelpful, his arms over your shoulders, his weight draping over you like a warm but heavy blanket. His curls tickle the skin of your neck, as he rests his head on his shoulders, next to yours. Sirius presses his cheek against yours, and you want to turn your head and kiss him. 

You really want to, but you don’t, because you haven’t brushed your teeth yet. Sirius doesn’t mind, he’s told you a million times, but still, it's just one of those things you can’t get over. You sigh instead. 

“What’s wrong, bunny,” he asks, “don’t you like Fruit Loops?” 

“Maybe I could get, like eggs and stuff, make pancakes? Or something.” You trail off, thinking, thinking what would feel better this morning. It's so nice and ordinary, you don’t want to waste it. 

Sirius tightens his arms around you. 

“We can do that, bub, but you make terrible pancakes. I suppose I’ll have to make them.” You’re shrugging out of his hold before he finishes speaking, his laughter trailing you as you walk down the aisle, away from him. You head the eggs without waiting for him to catch up. 

“I’m kidding, puppy, I’m kidding,” Sirius says as he catches up to you. You pretend not to hear him, but he’s impossible to ignore as he wraps a steady arm around you, leaning down to kiss your forehead. 

“I know, you're joking, because there’s absolutely no way you think you make better pancakes than me. I can’t believe you went there.” You keep your eyes forward as he stands next to you, his embrace warm, but you're smiling. You know he’s smiling too. 

“It’s alright, love, you can admit you make below average pancakes. You can admit mine are better, I won’t make fun of you.” Sirius reaches forward and grabs the eggs off the shelf for you, just as you go to move. “Maybe I can even give you some pointers? Y’know, so maybe one day you might actually make some good ones.” 

“Oh, definitely not. You insult my cooking and I’m not making another thing for you. Ever. I hope you starve.” 

“Aw, babe, you wound me.” 

“Good.” 

-

Sirius makes both of you pancakes. While you may slightly prefer the way you do them, he comes a close second. A very close second. You sit in bed together and eat them, trying not to get crumbs on the blankets while you cuddle up next to each other. He manages to kiss you before you can brush your teeth. 

It’s a Monday morning, and you’ve got all the time in the world.

-

i have officially discovered a new hobby!! writing fanfic!! go me!!

[songmingisthighs]

Genesis

introduction pt. i | pt. ii | pt. iii

<< previous | m.list | next >>

ch. xxvii - scuse me

fashion mogul!mingi × reader

buy me coffee ?

things aren't always what it seems but when even the truth is left unheard, what can people do? one musn't lie but what if the lie is more accepted than the truth? the scariest thing in this world isn't monsters or demons. it's people with no agenda and time to waste.

To be quite honest, you knew being alone at night was stupid. Not that it was very dangerous or something, it was just amplifying the loneliness. Sure, some people might revel in being alone, but you had to admit that you were slowly getting tired of being alone. Or maybe it was that you were tired of beinv alone again. Three years and an engagement later, you wouldn't have guessed that you'd be going to the convenience store you used to frequent with your ex by yourself. The road used to be filled with lighthearted teasing and nearing the end, wedding planning is now cold breeze and crickets.

But, you had cravings. Bean had cravings and you didn't stock up because the cravings differ from one day to the other. So the broken heater of the convenience store couldn't stop you. It wasn't like it was too cold either, it was just slightly uncomfortable. Bean had wanted to eat something warm anyways so it shouldn't be an issue. And yes, you really do heed into Bean's cravings. Once, bean craved ice cream and jjajang at the same time. It wasn't that weird but maybe a mango ice cream was a bad choice. You didn't even know what bean wanted until you got to the convenience store and immediately craved spicy jjamppong ramyeon with cheese, egg, and sausage. You wondered if Bean will still have the same questionable palate once it's born. Then you wondered if bean shares the same palate as its dad. Not that you wanted to think about him much because obviously, he has yet to make up his mind while still trying to drown you in presents. You were running out of people to give away the presents he still left you and while it seemed mean, you didn't want your anger to be resolved by items. Maybe your friends were right, maybe you wanted Mingi to make a decision to approach you first. And maybe you should've been straightforward with him and tell him the answer you needed instead of playing this chicken game. Besides, it was bad enough that you left him all alone in the hallway of your apartment at 11 pm while needing to pee. To be quite honest, you felt bad for that and you would apologize. If he'd come to you.

The whole Mingi train of thought took up only until your food was cooked. As soon as it was done, you immediately focused on eating, enjoying the taste and warmth that spread all through your chest. You ate the whole thing with such gusto, feeling your mood getting better that peaked once the bowl was empty and you have cleaned up all your trash. With a satiated craving and a full belly, you walked out of the convenience store So of course, you thought you were going to end the day perfectly what with your craving satiated and belly full. Though, you were slightly concerned that your baby was floating in spicy ramyeon broth but that was just a regular odd fear that was washed away easily with the cold night air.

"Excuse me," You turned to see two women jogging towards you.

Considering that it was nearing midnight, you should've been more nervous and cautious of any interaction happening. But for that same reason, because it was nearing midnight, you think you should help your fellow women who might be in some sort of trouble, no matter the complexity and size.

"Yes?" You answered as soon as they reached you. The two women looked at each other momentarily, before turning back to you, "Do live in that apartment?" you followed the finger of one of the girls who was pointing at your apartment building. You nodded in affirmation to them, assuring that you actually do, "Yes, I do," as soon as you said that, you could see their eyes light up happily. "That's great! Do you know the girl who's dating Song Mingi the fashion mogul?" the other immediately asked. It was a rather odd question and the furrow of your eyebrows seems to only make them more intrigued. You immediately got a weird vibe from them so you did what you thought was right and tried to escape as quickly as you could. "Uh, I don't know what you guys wanted or how you even know about the apartment, but if this involves anything weird, I don't want to be part of it. So..." you tried to turn around and walk away but they went around you and blocked your path. One girl grinned happily while the other stared at you with furrowed eyebrows, "Oh, she so does, she's probably friends with her," she said excitedly, hitting her friend's arm continuously. You wanted to say no, but you didn't want to give them hints or anything that could make them think that you were actually helping them.

However, before you can do anything, the girl whose arm was hit by her friend stepped forward as her eyes widened, "Oh my God, forget that, Hyemi, this is her! She is her! Didn't you see the leaked pictures from that blog?" All of a sudden, you felt your stomach drop and your instinct was triggered. Your hand flew to your stomach as if you were trying to protect your baby even though there was no proof that your baby was even being targeted. "You're so right," when the excited girl took a step closer to you as well, you immediately raised a hand at her that she simply grabbed to pull you closer, "We have so much to ask you,"

They weren't even treating you like a human being, using you to get answers on Mingi because they thought that you were personally involved with Mingi which was so wrong on most levels. The questions they asked were rather invasive too. For example, since when was it okay to ask a complete stranger what Mingi usually does as his shower routine? Does Mingi take a bath often and when he does, does he use bath bombs? What is Mingi like at home, what does he wear or does he even wear anything? And worst of all, has Mingi really been with men?

"Really, I can't help you with this, I need to go home," as hard as you can, you tried pulling your arm out of their grip as your eyes tried to find a way to safely make your escape. The only thing you fear is truly your baby being in danger from you trying to escape them. But no matter how much you tried to pull away, they kept bombarding you with questions you didn't have the answer to. You were damn near crying at that point and the sliver of people who passed by were no help, they simply looked at you who was in trouble and decided to not give a shit. So much for you trying to help someone. You couldn't stay and let them do whatever they wanted because that will just encourage more shitty behaviour on their part while preventing you from developing an effective way to get rid of assholes like them.

When you felt your arm being yanked, you damn near screamed bloody murder, but you soon realized that it wasn't really your arm that was being yanked, it was the girl who was holding you. You looked up to see Mingi scowling at the two girls who stood frozen. "What do you think you were doing?" His voice was void of the usual lighthearted tone he used on you, this was not even the voice he used when he accused you of whoring around. This was... Assertive.

"I..." "We..." Both girls were nervous now, they hadn't expected to be confronted by Mingi because they thought that they were going to be the ones doing all the confronting. Idiots.

"I'm trying to be nice right now for the sake of this woman right here," he nodded to you which made your breath hitch, "But if you don't leave her alone, I'll make you regret it." With that, he turned you around and with a hand on your back, he guided you away from those girls.

Just as you were about to feel relieved that Mingi had stepped in, one of them screamed 'wait' and proceeded to grab you by the shoulder, almost making you fall. But Mingi's reflex was better than theirs as he immediately pushed the girl's grip off and stepped between you and her. At 6 ft, Mingi was a mountain that put the girls under his shadow. "I'm serious, I will press charges," he said sternly. You didn't see what he looked like completely, but you saw that he was glaring at them and his chest was puffed while his shoulders were squared. In all honesty, he kind of looked like a guard dog, protecting whoever or whatever it was he deemed needing his protection.

The message was VERY loud and clear as seen from how both girls immediately nodded their heads in fear. Only then did Mingi gently take your hand in his and walk you to his car that was parked just across the road.

"Mingi?" You called out meekly, afraid that he was still worked up. But when he turned to look at you, you were only met with his usual kind eyes and that showed a lot of guilt and a hint of embarrassment. "I can just walk to my apartment alone," you told him, hesitant to receive his kindness especially since he had just saved you after you ignored him for some time. But Mingi shook his head, even tugging you further to the passenger seat where he opened the door and motioned for you to get in, "No, you just experienced something traumatic from trying to walk home all alone, the least I can do is make sure you don't get followed even after you get inside your home," he said determinedly. You wanted to say no, send him home, and tell him thanks but no thanks. But, you don't really want that. Not at all, actually. So you smiled which surprised Mingi, "Thanks Mingi, that's really nice. Way nicer than the gifts you've been dropping off," you teased. At the mention of gifts, Mingi blushed and his hand flew to ruffle the back of his head, "Uh... Actually, I was just about to drop off a bouquet I got you, but I threw it there when I saw that you were in trouble," he said as he pointed to the road. True to what he said, you saw a bouquet of white and soft yellow flowers wrapped in baby pink and baby blue paper abandoned by the side of the road, the wrapper soaked by disgusting murky water, the flowers crumpled and some of the petals even scattered around dramatically.

The sight should've been sad, but for some reason, you laughed at it. Even more odd, Mingi was laughing along with you. It wasn't that you both were laughing at each other, but you were laughing at the situation and how unpredictably ridiculous it is.

Yeah, everything involving you two were absolutely silly.

network :

@cultofdionysusnet @sandsofire @kflixnet

taglist :

@ateezourstars @phenomenalgirl @90s-belladonna @yunhorights @cqndiedcherries @stopeatread @aestheticsluut @spooo00oky @kodzukein @galaxypox @mayonnaisehoeshit @maddiebabyxoxo @dreamlesswonder86 @charreddonuts @jwnghyuns @angelicyeo @axo-l0tl @gxlden-bxbyy @bbymatz @blaaiissee @kyume02 @aurora-tiny @senpai-of-doom @meowmeowminnie @thesolarplanetarysystem @seonghwaddict @miaatiny @soobiverse @camillelafaye

@randomness7198

[bjfinn]

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

When Lydia came into the dining room and took her seat at the table, Charles and Delia exchanged surprised glances with the Maitlands. Instead of her usual black goth attire, the girl was wearing a pale blue blouse and a denim skirt.

"What?" Lydia asked.

"You ... you look lovely," her father replied. "What's the occasion?"

Lydia shrugged. "I just felt like wearing something different for a change, that's all."

Just then Beej came in, yawning and rubbing his eyes. "Mornin'," he mumbled. His eyes widened when he saw what his BFFFF was wearing.

"What?" Lydia asked him.

The demon frowned. "What are you wearing that for?"

"I just wanted a change," she replied.

Beej mumbled something under his breath and began to eat his breakfast.

"Well," Delia said, "I think change is healthy."

"Absolutely," Barbara agreed.

"Change is good," Adam added.

"Does this mean that you're officially not in mourning any longer?" Charles asked.

"No," came the reply. "I don't know. I mean, I still miss Mom, but I realise that she'd want me to move forward, you know? And I don't have to wear black all the time to remember her." She absently stirred her scrambled eggs with her fork. "I'm just trying it out -- I might go back to black. I'll see."

" 'Scuse me," Beej grumbled, and he stood up and left the dining room.

Lydia looked around at the others, and put down her fork. "I think I better go talk to him -- excuse me." And she left to find her undead big brother.

She headed upstairs to Beej's bedroom. She opened the door and went in -- no sign of him.

"Beej?"

"Leave me alone," she heard him say. She looked up and saw him hovering a few inches below the ceiling.

"Beej, come down," Lydia said. "Let's talk."

He floated down and sat heavily on his bed. "What for?"

"Tell me what's wrong."

"You decided to change," he told her. "I don't like change."

She sat down beside him and put an arm around his shoulders. "It's just my clothes," she replied.

The demon shook his head. "No, it's not," he said. "You wanna move on -- you said so."

"I ... I can't stay in mourning for the rest of my life -- my mom wouldn't want that."

"But if you move on, what ... what happens to me?" A tear trickled out of the corner of his eye and ran down his cheek. "You won't need me any more -- and I'll be alone again."

"You dumbass -- I'll always need you! You're my best friend. My big brother -- my family! I love you."

"But ... but what about when you go away to college in a couple of years? I'll never see you again."

"Of course you will!" Lydia told him. "I'm probably gonna go to college in New York -- and you go there all the time to see Dewey! And I have no doubt that the two of you won't give me a moment's peace," she added, grinning.

"Belie' dat, girl!" Beej replied with a chuckle.

”Feel better?"

The demon nodded. "Yeah," he said. "Just promise me that whatever you do, you won't start wearing pink, okay? I hate pink."

She leaned in and planted a kiss on his cheek.

Beej smiled happily, his hair blushing.

Lydia took out her phone and snapped a photo of him.

"Why'd you do that?" he asked, his eyes wide.

"I wanted to show you what you look like with pink hair." She held it up. "See?" she said. "What do you think?"

"Damn, I'm hot!"

[berylshores]

Scuse me, scuse me, tf is sun eating, are those fish eggs?

yes! stop him.

[hotluncheddie]

gator going so slow down the stairs is sooo <3 poor puppy probably struggles a little with stairs already but stuffed to capacity AND tipsy??? that boy has to go Slow (but still wants his love to wait at the bottom of the case because the little jolt of humiliation at publicly being their slow, lazy, tubby puppy who can’t keep his paws off his belly goes straight to his dick.)

and ohhhhh!!!!! the robe!!!!! they always make those things so small, gator wouldnt stand a chance :3 his love waking up to the sight of him looking like a puffy lil marshmallow is so silly… but nnbgggghhhhh ‘puppy looks overfed and spoiled’ is so 🥴🥴 even when he’s soooo empty he’s plump and round and looks precisely like an overfed pet 🐶 having to prove you’re empty is prime big boy activities.

getting plugged before breakfast !!!! he eats three plates at the buffet, face flushed and eyebrows pinched, rocking his hips a little to grind down on the plug until his sweetheart catches him, leaning in close under the guise of stroking his hair and kissing his cheek, telling him to keep still and behave unless he wants to go back to the room right now and save himself until lunch, and get no snacks before dinner. He barely moves aside from fork to plate to mouth to plate again. They pet at his lower belly under the table, cooing at him and praising him and saying ‘you want mama/daddy to feed you the rest, honey? too full and dumb to do it yourself?’ he can’t do anything but nod and open his mouth for another bite of eggs.

but ohhhhh keeping him at capacity all day on the cruise would be so Easy!!!!!! those things are designed to promote indulgence, so practically thd second gator stops feeling gurgly and achingly full his love could shove a new treat at him.

-

i think the public aspect of the situation is a big part of what makes gator so happy!!! like his family had to maintain a particular image and tough reputation, so to be vulnerable and soft and subby in a place with hundreds of other people who barely bat an eye about it makes him feel so good!!!!!!

and when people acknowledge his size it makes his head a little fuzzy and floaty, not sexually, but it kickstarts a shift into his pretty little puppyspace (if he wasn’t already there, because he usually is).

when the bartender slips past him with a ‘’scuse me, big boy’ and a pat to his gut in the busy bar, his knees go a little weak and he nuzzles at his love until they scratch his scalp like a doggy!!!

and when an older lady at the breakfast table next to theirs that his sweetheart befriends shakes his hand warmly and tells his sweetheart conspiratorially ‘i see you’re keeping him well fed’ he pushes down the instinctive urge to yip, settling for a barely noticeable wiggle (wagging his tail, mama/daddy calls it) and slips his big gator pants on juuuust far enough to be able to ask his love ‘can you fix me another plate, baby?’ (he ate three plates of french toast and heavy porridge and pastries and eggs and sausages already). the older lady giggles and gator smiles fondly at the sound of her laugh, his cheeks chubby and pink.

but when he’s sitting on the lounge chair by the pool, shirtless and bronzed and Stuffed, his love leaning on the arm of the chair and sipping at a fruity diet cocktail that they periodically offer to gator (‘gross, babe. should’a got a sugary one’) while they murmur to him about all the fit-as-a-fiddle couples their age that are poolside, telling him ‘they’re all abs and bi’s and tri’s, and you look like you could be the beach ball,’ gator gets Hard. because gator gets hard whenever his love teases him like that, makes him feel like the biggest little puppy on the planet <3

-

also i think i remember you saying something about gator occasionally going to the gym with his love (who i like to think goes most days) and im in looooove with that💖🐶 his love in their proper workout gear on the machines, doing cardio and lifting weights and doing yoga, while gator lifts weights then follows them around by the hand, leaning on the treadmill to chat with them while they run, sitting on the floor and sneaking melty chocolate from his gym shorts pocket and ogling his love while they do yoga !!!! cuties

(this went for way too long im so sorry)

- 🐶

ughhhhhhhh love this love this love everything about itttttttt!!! Like his love teasing him by the pool while gator is stuffed and round and so so so hard is so hottttttt he’s sooooo cuteeeeee!!!!

i think the public aspect would absolutely and completely be a massive thing for gator. based on his past and his family like you said. but also a massive turn on he likes being teased he likes being embarrassed and he likes being a big boy. anyone who looks at him can he his mama/daddys love all over him, all over his chubby cheeks and rounded belly and squishy thighs. they can see what a spoiled puppy he is without even knowing him. and gator loves that. loves being his mama/daddys round sweet puppy boy. stuffed full at the buffet, handing off of their arm as they walk lazily around the boat, gator trying not to squirm to much under his mama/daddys fingers as they spread sunscreen over his round stuffed belly by the pool.

and omg gator would be so so cute going to the gym with his love!!!

they go most days, usually in the morning while gator sleeps in - puppy not a morning person and all the eating really takes it out of him. but maybe two or three times a week gator goes too, putting on his snug shorts and tank sleepily, letting his mama/daddy guide him there by the hand. gator stretches with them, making point of having to heft his squishy belly out of the way to reach certain poses. then they lift weights and do squats, gator likes still being strong, likes being able to lift his mama/daddy up if he really wanted too, likes the way the leg work makes his ass round and plump and firm. but by that point gator is tired, and hungry, and he wants to go eat breakfast and feel his loves hand on his belly and start on the important task of getting tipsy while they laze by the pool.

but his sweetheart insists on ending with some cardio, so gator pouts and leans against their treadmill until they finish. only being good and quiet because they went and got him one of the free protein shakes that the cruise offers at the gyms little snack station - opting for the gaining shake, for bulking, peanut butter and chocolate flavour. high calorie and perfect for their growing puppy. gator sucking in it happily as he listening to his loves breath start to pant, their feet pounding the treadmill. his hand watering to the soft squishy part of lower belly thats been threatening to peak out of his shirt for the past week -‘gator knows it does when he lifts his arms over his head, his mama/daddy telling him so, groaning about it once they got him back to the room, filling gator up before making him shower and change ready to be stuffed full again. Kept full all day long <3

(I’m just, I can’t get over how easy it would be for his to be so so stuffed all day, like an all day stuffing almost every day. I wonder what the list would be if they wrote down everything he managed in a a day - how big he’d be at the end of it. Like how his clothes would fit so differently when he puts them on the the morning compared to the end of the night after everything 🐶💕)

-

also cant stop thinking about gators love weighing him 💞 - maybe every week or every two. Not as a big deal, they don’t have goals or anything, but its something fun. Fun for them both to have another way to show his growth, the wild little vacation they’re on, letting themselves fall more heavily into that part of their relationship.

gators favourite thing that his mama/ daddy does though is when they step up flush to his back, looking down over his shoulder and describing how they ‘cant even see the number like this’ - 'puppy's belly is just too big.’

then they lean gator forward, until the numbers become visible to his mama/daddy. 'now you'd be able to see them, getting to big for me baby.' and gator whines, not able to see but he can imagine, imagine himself leaning over to read the scale.

He’s hard and squirming over the act. his hands squishing into his own belly, feeling it spill between his fingers - reaching out so far in front of him now. And when hes stuffed it throws him of balance slightly, filling up his T-shirts more than ever, more than when he first got in the boat. He loves it, loves how big his belly is getting, how big his mama/daddy is making it.

its a moment for them to be close, together in their little game to see what happens to gators body when they play and stuff and let him be down all day. sweet and hungry and pliant for his love. on this once in a lifetime trip that gators mind and body never has to forget - the evidence all over him. he feels so much love, so much care. its so fun for them, to check the scale together 🐶💝

[talesfromawannabejournalist]

Lucifer’s eye twitches once again at the sound of loud chewing. Taking a breath he tries to continue to focus on his morning paper. However, after a minute and chewing didn’t lighten up he couldn’t take it anymore. Putting his paper down he looked at his Cain who was stuffing his face with an egg on toast with one hand while slurping his fresh orange juice in the other.

Lucifer: Cain, would it KILL you, literally kill you, to remember your damn manners at the table?

Cain rolled his eyes and with a full mouth he says

Cain: Ex-fucking-scuse me for being hungry!

[swampstew]

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK

Welcome to Raven's Reading Nook - a small corner of this blog dedicated to cozy story times. Join us in the family room as we sit around and browse our phones, and eat some Girl Scout cookies as we begin tonight's story. Rated Mature for language.

Killer is a TikTok content creator recording cooking and baking videos, and Eustass Kid is his taste tester. These are there shenanigans. This series was entirely inspired by Instagram Star - Justinsaiyann - a very good looking and buff baker who shows off his skills and glutes in the kitchen. Written to star the Kid Pirates in a modern setting.

With the camera set in place, Killer dusted his apron and straightened his helmet one last time before pressing the ‘Go Live’ button, muttering a quick, "It's show time," under his breath.

“Hello, Killer here,” raising a hand in the air, the quarter sleeve of his dress shirt rolled neatly on his forearm. “Time for another day of relaxing vibes and delicious desserts. Today, I’m making Double Chocolate Mint Brownies. I love a goody, gooey brownie, especially when there’s mini chocolate chips and ganache involved.”

As he spoke the well-rehearsed introduction, Killer wandered around the kitchen pulling out mixing tools and fixing himself a glass of bubble milk tea, congregating on the island countertop. Oven already preheated, eggs and butter on standby and at room temperature. Slurping up a tapioca ball, he paused for a minute while he chewed.

“Mm, ‘scuse me, didn’t expect that one to come up all the way. Tasty. Moving on, you know my number one motto: A clean and sterile working environment is best when dealing with things you intend to eat. And please, enough with the Jason Vorhees jokes, my mask looks nothing like his. I’m trying to make a name for myself as an independent serial killer……of hunger and all your hearts,” he brought his hands together to make a heart shape for the audience.

The ping of a microtransaction being made caught Killer’s attention, leaning close to his phone. Someone had bought and redeemed a highlighted message, and it was one of those moments he wished he hadn’t added that incentive, now being forced to read and answer it live.

“MurderinoSquadAssemble has this to say – ‘a serial killer of hunger and OUR hearts? Seems sus but ok. #redflagbehavior.’ Calm down armchair detective. For the record, I haven’t been caught yet and it won’t be to the likes of you.”

Biting down a chuckle, Killer stepped back to put on plastic gloves, a baking hat, and his favorite apron. It was a faded blue color but what really made it endearing for him, was the print.

That’s Hot

It had a small whisk and measuring spoons sprawled on the bottom, and the capital T had a baker’s hat falling off it. Underneath the text, a stovetop on fire. A gift from Kid on his 25th birthday.

Smiling privately, Killer turned to give the audience his side profile as he tied the apron strings. His dress shirt clung to his muscled arms, threatening to burst if he flexed too hard. His ass looked firm and thick in the dark chino relaxed pants he wore.

Prepping the baking tray, Killer explained the ingredients he was using and his choices for alternatives. He preferred to use ethically sourced chocolate and tapioca flour instead of all-purpose flour. He used vegan butter but liked to brown it first to caramelize a bit before combining it to the batter.

“This flour is what I used to make the tapioca pearls for my milk tea in my 14th video. It’s still up if you want to check it out and give it some love,” he poured the batter into the pans.

Turning around completely, he walked to the oven to place the pan on the middle rack. Killer didn’t need to bend down as much as he did to place the pan inside. He also didn’t need to jut his hips backwards a little to make his butt look bigger on camera, but it was nice hearing the pings echoing in the kitchen as he was gifted with tips and praise. Not that he’d admit that to anyone of course.

Killer turned the volume of his Bluetooth speaker louder, enjoying the lofi channel playlist he chose for the day’s stream. It was hard to find good music these days, not with a DMCA lawsuit one flagged video away.

“You can find where I use the same ingredients for the pre-made mint filling layer in my 20th video, when I made my homemade No-reos.”

Underneath the kitchen island countertop was a small red button that Killer pushed. That was the alarm indicator Kid had installed to notify the redhead that it was time for him stop what he was doing, get dressed, and join the video for the taste test.

Hoping beyond hope that Kid would be wearing the clothes Killer laid out for him, the masked man entertained the audience. Acknowledging the redeemed gifts, answering comments and questions and taking a much needed bathroom break. Letting the ads run a bit longer to milk the revenue, Killer stood at the doorway waiting for Kid to make an appearance. Asshole was running late, unbelievable. HE WANTED to be in the live streams, Killer didn’t ask him to be a part of it.

Shaking his head, he sat down in front of the camera, preparing to be KillerCook once more. The oven had three minutes left on the timer and the smell of chocolate wafted. The stream continuing, he began whisking the ganache to pour over the brownies.

Killer heard Kid walking through the hallway as he whisked. Bursting through the door, shirtless, his golden piercings that littered his nipples, nose bridge and ears shined from the open kitchen windows that showed a beautiful sunny day outside.

Timer going off, Killer fumbled to the back while hissing out, “Put a fucking shirt on! Why do you do this every time?!”

“C’mon Kill, they’re not gonna ban you for male nipples, be real.”

“Not risking it, we’re already on thin ice for using copyright music after 2 warnings. Remember? That’s how you lost Your Job as the video editor. Put on a shirt or I pull the plug.”

Angrily swearing, Kid walked back through the door to find a shirt.

“The last step is pouring the ganache over the mint layer and spreading it evenly for a smooth coating. Then you’ll want to store it in the fridge to let the top layer set. This will take up to an hour or you can keep it in longer until you’re ready to eat.”

Cutting into the pan to prepare a square for Kid, the masked baker placed both the pan and the taste test piece in the fridge. Killer once again entertained the audience for the 5 minutes it took for Kid to come back, in a ruffled black vest that was unbuttoned. Killer pulled out a chair for him and went to retrieve the taste test square, placing it on the table in front of Kid.

Coming into view of the camera with an annoyed pout on his face, Kid shot a sneer at Killer before tightening his jaw and looking directly into the lens.

“Alright, now the reason you’re all really here. To watch me eat shit you can’t have and look hot doing it.”

Standing straight, he stuck out his right arm and flexed, slowly moving it down with deliberate motions that further focused on his bulging muscles instead of the baked good. Bringing it to his face, Kid licked his maroon painted lips before taking a bite with a grin. Letting out an approving grunt.

“How’s it taste?”

“Tastes damn good, brother,” Kid responded, biting into the brownie again.

“Can you uh elaborate some more for the audience?”

“It’s chocolate, tastes like chocolate,” he grunted out in between bites.

Sighing deeply, “Does the texture feel balanced? Is it too dry? Can you even taste the mint I added with the chocolate chips?”

Licking his fingers clean and wiping his mouth with the back of hand, Kid shrugged. “Tastes perfect. Like any good brownie should be, it’s moist,” devilish smirk on his face and he faced the camera.

Feeling Killer’s serious as fuck glare through the mask, “Yeah yeah you can taste the mint. It doesn’t overwhelm the chocolate but it wasn’t overstated either. Like a little nudge wanting acknowledgment.”

“And there you have it, moist and acknowledged. Tune in next time when I make one of my favorite dishes, Spaghetti aglio e olio. It’s simple to prepare and like everything else I make, slays. This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

End Livestream.

Killer lifted his baker’s hat, helmet and took his hairnet off, pulling his hair from the tight wound rubber elastic he’d put it in.

“One of these days you’re going to get me banned, dickwad. Think about that the next time you want to fuck around. All those comments of praise and validation gone just like that,” he snapped his fingers, “Because you can’t stop being a dumb whore for 5 minutes.”

“I’m a whore?! Oh stuff a brownie in yer mouth and calm down. You’re not you when you’re hangry,” Kid snickered, ducking out of the kitchen to avoid the stainless-steel bowls flung at him.

Bonus: The comment section

ICantEven101: Killer-san, why won’t my sauce stick to my noodles? KillerCook: You may be using too much oil or butter. A good trick is to add in pasta water to thicken the sauce. Corn starch is a good binder as well.

VanillyExtract: PunkNeverDied69 can I take you on a date? 🥺 PunkNeverDied69: You can’t afford my tastes.

GimmeDa’Za: Day 15 of asking for a Heat cameo and dutch oven pizzas. FlamingHot420: Why are you people obsessed with me? I walked into the kitchen ONE TIME.

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

[cccc-ask-blog]

DARRELL YOU STUPID FREAKING CHICKEN I’M GONNA THROW YOUR EGGS AT YOU AND PUNCH YOU AND EAT FRIED CHICKEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND MAUL YOU AND BURN YOU AND TEAR OFF YOUR LEGS (SLOWLY, YOU’LL FEEL ALL THE PAIN) THEN I’LL PLUCK YOUR FEATHERS AND SELL YOUR MEAT TO MCDONALDS AND THEN YOU’LL BE NOTHING BUT CHICKEN NUGGETS AND THEN I’LL LAUGH

{*Holding the trident* Ex-fucking-scuse me?}

(oooooohhhh your fucked.)

[I can indeed confirm that]

[revenantghost]

What fics have you been reading recently?

Not as many as I'd like between bookclub and finally having access to the Tristamp dub! I do try to remember (and often forget) to bookmark my favs on AO3, but tonight's lineup has been really fun so let me grab them for you:

kinder, gentler by skittidyne (VW, WIP, been my favorite WIP since Tristamp was airing, can't recommend enough)

Vash goes through another life. He's done it enough to be pretty good at it, these days. They're getting easier, even if "easier" means a string of murders while trying to make friends anew. Not his usual bullet-ridden trouble, but this is meant to be a kinder, gentler life, after all.

Tomaship by museq (gen, one-shot, a fun little read)

A cute little oneshot where horse girl, teenage Vash learns how to ride a thomas with Brad.

two eggs, over easy by AllegedlyAnnie (VW, WIP, first chapter was posted of this not too long ago, I love the author's work, and this is SO GODDAMN FUNNY, I can't wait for more)

I (30M) keep getting into fights with a cook at Waffle House. --- "Uh, hey, 'scuse me?" Nick calls out toward the kitchen. "Sorry?" the cook asks. He comes over, and Nick gets a good look at spiky blonde hair and fathomless blue eyes framed by lashes like clock springs. "Was there something wrong?" And okay. So Nick might have a thing for a tall blonde with a dancer's figure. A man likes what he likes. With an effort he usually reserves for life-and-death scenarios, he forces himself to smile and says, "Is this your first day?" "No? Why do you ask?" "I asked for my eggs over easy." The cook glances at Nick's table, now holding six different eggs cooked three different, incorrect ways, and Nick can see in his eyes the exact moment he decides the next thing he'll say. His brow furrows into a faux quizzical expression. "I don't see the problem," he answers.

Fenrir by eshtaresht (gen but V&W-centric, one-shot, this was a very beautifully worded and created piece, I do love me a bit of whump)

He opens his mouth slowly, making a show of his sharp canines. Just so they’re clear on that. Without a word, Vash puts his arm inside the toothy trap. Pushes it deep, back to the very molars, making him breath through the nose to avoid gagging. Belts taste of gunpowder and sand. His tongue stumbles on a metal buckle, but his teeth feel only the satisfying give of worn leather. And, if he presses deeper, skin. ______________ or, Wolfwood goes a bit too feral and gets telepathically poetry blasted

[askthearthurnoir]

Shh, Arthur… it’s okay… RELAX 🤩

"Egg fuckin' 'scuse me? That statement alone makes me think that I shouldn't relax."

[ozimagines]

Any thoughts on Chico being a parent?

I have a couple, thanks for asking😂 I love the idea of Chico as a dad, and have played around with it in fanfiction. He loves hard. That’s gotta mean something, right?

Chico Guerra as a Parent would include…

He’s not exactly the classic “fatherly” type

He never really saw himself with kids and a family

Mostly because he never thought he could

(I write Chico with an older brother, Roberto (Bobby), who joined El Norte before him on the outside and when his older brother was killed in a gang war, he just stayed because that’s all he’s ever known. This is important for how I view him)

He’s reckless and wild

But he’s kind to kids, always

Even before he has ones of his own

He was always the “cool cousin” at family functions

There are lines even criminals don’t cross

His stomach turns when he heard about Beecher’s son

He’s up every night for a week wondering how terrified that little boy must have been up until the end

Breaks his heart💔

When he gets a chance for kids, adopted or biological, he surprises everyone at how he is with them

He’s not necessarily a perfect dad, but he’s a loving dad

Supportive

Chico likes to get on his knees to talk to his kids

His friends think it’s “fruity” but the kids really like someone meeting them at their level

He always makes it seem like they’re getting away with something

“Here’s three dollars, don’t tell mom/dad.”

“Can you keep a secret? I always wanted to be an astronaut. Shhhhh…”

*making chocolate chip pancakes* “and now we add extra chocolate and don’t tell anyone about it.”

The kids love it, they feel like he really sees them

He loves kids; they say the weirdest stuff

“You think spinach tastes like horse feet? Ok. Explain.” 😂

Big fan of putting his kids on his shoulders or neck

They always get the best views at all shows and parades

Fuck the people behind him tho

Only the best for his kids

Sees them as an extension of Bobby; giving them the life his brother never had

He is SHIT in the kitchen… but literally anytime his kids are hungry, he’s on his feet asking what they want…

even though he knows fuck all about kid tastes

“Ok… an afterschool snack…” *rifles past the beer and cornflakes* “umm…”

His significant other comes home to find the kitchen a mess but some very happy children eating what Chico calls “sugar seizure bagels”

(Bagels with jelly, marshmallows, chocolate chips, chocolate syrup, and sprinkles)

Likes to toy with his kids

“Ok… we have spicy lobster and squishy peas or… cosmic brownie?”

“BROWNIE!”🥰

“Hmmmm okay, if you’re sure…”😂

Chico’s in charge of the pantry

Comic brownies, devil dogs, roll ups and gushers… looks like a fallout shelter for a five year old millionaire.

Makes breakfast every Sunday; egg bagel sandwiches he personalizes for each kid.

Keeps trying to add stuff to show off for his kids

Doesn’t realize they think it’s perfect with just a little cheese lol

Kids watch cartoons while dad cooks

Dad making comments from the kitchen

“Y’think he’s ever gonna get that mouse?”

“Wish my car worked just sticking my feet out of it…”

“No. You cannot call me papa Smurf. Please.”

Likes it when the kids take naps on his chest afterwards

That’s something he’d miss terribly as they grew up

Until one day after a fight his teenager, seeing him reclining on the couch, just goes and sits next to them, watching tv until they both fall asleep, Chico pulling his kid close.

Chico lets his kids paint his nails but he draws the line at wearing it out.

Though he quite liked the black polish…👀

If you’ve ever watched Liar Liar with “the claw”, Chico has something similar with his kids; the Tickle Police

“Scuse me, ma’am/sir, you know how cute you were going just then? That’s a write up.”🥹

Insists on tucking them in

Will tell stories that may or may not be kid appropriate…

“Then Prince Carlos threw his… drink… at the officer.”

Is INCREDIBLY supportive

Tolerant and Chico Guerra don’t automatically go together… but he wants his kids to have what Bobby didn’t.

“You want to be an engineer? No one’s got a better head than you, kid.”

“A surgeon? I’d go to you if you were my doc. Wouldn’t trust anyone else.”

“You want to be an interpretive dancer… that’s… pretty cool.”😂

No one ever told Chico Guerra that he could do anything

So he wants his kids to know the world is theirs.

When they’re sick, he treats them like royalty

He’ll take off work and stay home with the them, watching movies and refilling their Gatorade.

He never hesitates to cuddle them when they’re sick, often resulting in him getting sick himself.

Chico used to be a huge baby when he got sick

With kids, he wants them to see him as Superman, so he always makes it seem less bad than it is

“Nah kid *blows nose* I’m fine, Daddy’s fine.”

If anyone bullies his kids, he genuinely will not know how to cope

He doesn’t want his kids fighting everyone like he did

But damn does it boil his blood when they get home crying.

He sits with them and talks, listens to what the other kids said or did

“You’re not gonna take this. Next time they fuck with you… *gets look from S/O* *sigh* go tell a grown up.”

He’s trying really hard to be a positive influence

He doesn’t want his kids to had the life he did

When his kids are old enough to learn about gangs in the neighborhood, Chico tries to explain.

“They’re gonna pretend they’re your friends and they’re not. I’m saving twenty years of your life here, kid.”

When some of his old “friends” talk about recruiting his boy, Chico almost breaks parole.

“Let me make this painfully clear…”

Every day he tries to protect his kids from men like him, and it changes his view of life.

If his kids are happy, he decides, then his life won’t have been a waste

And when you ask family friends and onlookers, Chico Guerra has some happy fucking kids.

Bonus: the movie Inside Out made him cry. He watches a lot of movies with his kids but that movie just quirked something inside of him. He loves that fucking movie.