#EDIT I JUST LOOKED ON MY COMPUTER AFTER POSTING ON LAPTOP

[sharky66]

last ref sheet sorry to all my other ocs

[fastianini]

Valentino Rossi & Marc Márquez

[ happy (belated) 9 year anniversary to sepang 2015 aka the one weekend everything went wrong, everything changed and that still haunts motogp to this day <3 ]

history of man by maisie peters

[sidesteppostinghours]

"You slow down time"

"In your golden hour"

[ahgasegotarmy116]

Deja Vu | Jeon Jungkook | One Shot

Summary: Life hadn't gone down the path you had hoped for but the one who made that choice for you isn't someone you want to see ever again. Pairing: f!reader x Jungkook, childhood friends Word Count: 3k~ a/n: I wrote this last night in one go so I figured I might as well post it...let me know if you guys would like to see this from Jungkook's pov 👀 p.s. I got lazy and hardly edited this but I hope you guys like it lol Oh and this is loosely based off of the very beginning of Deja Vu by Tomorrow x Together

My fingers ghost along the spines of the books I pass by, looking for something that might catch my eye because yes sometimes I do judge a book by it's cover.

Finding one that seems interesting enough I turn it over, reading the summary of the fifth romance novel I've picked up since I've been here but when the bell on the door jingles giving notice of a newcomer I turn to see who it is...and I really I wish I hadn't.

My palms instantly clam up leaving me nervously wiping them off on my sweater so I don't damage the book but I can't let go of it since it's my only form of shelter, hiding in plain sight from the person I hoped to never see again.

Curiosity get's the best of me though, watching as he sits down and pulls out his laptop at one of the tables in this cafe bookstore hybrid, one of my favorites places in the city that I'll probably never come to again in fear of running into him.

He pulls a camera out of his bag and takes the memory card out before putting it in his computer to upload it's contents.

I guess he did end up becoming a photographer like he always wanted.

It's strange seeing someone who was so important to you for so many years become someone you barely even recognize. But that's the thing, I do recognize him and I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try I can't help think of him often. How is he doing? What does his life look like now? Has he finally found someone to love like I have?

Seeing him makes me doubt everything though, but that's just what he does. He makes it impossible for me not to be drawn to him, wanting to talk to him, to laugh with him, to be with him.

I thought I had moved past that. Thought that this silly little childhood crush had been nothing but that, a stupid crush that I finally grew out of.

But seeing him here tells me it's everything but that.

I look from him to the book I'm hiding behind, trying to distract myself and with the amount of effort I'm putting in it actually works...for a little while.

My eyes are begging me to let them wander again, indulge in the desire to observe him even if nothing comes from it and once I decide that one more look can't hurt instead of meeting his brows furrowed in concentration I meet his eyes.

His soft chocolate brown eyes that I've willed myself not to drown in time and time again are looking back at me, a soft smile reaching his lips when he finally sees me notice him making me sick to my stomach. 

Turning as subtly as I can I walk further into the maze of shelves around me, praying his interest in me was only fleeting and that he in fact did not recognize me.

After a few minutes of hiding in the corner that not many notice as it's a rather unpopular genre I let out the breath that I had decided to hold at some point, my need to be invisible necessary to my survival but when I decide the coast is clear and walk out of my little nook I bump into the exact person I wish I had never met all those years ago.

He holds onto my forearm as he sees me stumble back, unsure of if this minor collision would result in a fall and with his help, that I hate to admit I needed in the moment, prevents that mortifying occurrence from happening.

"I'm sorry that was my fault" he says and lets go of my arm, thankfully noticing how uncomfortable I am with his touch from my body language. "No it was mine, I should've been more careful coming out from behind that corner" I admit, a common courtesy after interactions like this, neither one wanting to admit it was the other persons fault.

"Well regardless I'm sorry" he says and I nod my head, looking down at the floor to avoid giving him a chance to recognize me. "I'm glad I caught you though, a fall against a bookshelf doesn't sound the most desirable" he chuckles, hoping to diffuse the awkward air around us but there's no use in him trying. He made that decision for the both of us a long time ago...

*Seven years ago*

"Please say something" I mumble, the five feet between us feeling like we're lightyears away, the silence a twin to the vacuum that is space.

He's right there but I know I've lost him for good with this stupid decision. "I don't know what to say" he mumbles right back leaving me scoffing in disbelief. "Then make something up. Anything is better than this" I say in reference to the radio silence between us since I decided to confess to him.

I know I shouldn't have done it. I know I'm selfish for telling him after all of these years and not simply fessing up to how I felt about him long ago but I was afraid that something like this might happen, and I was right. 

I hate that when it comes to him that I'm always right.

I could let us part ways and go to college leaving things left unsaid but I stupidly hoped that we could make it work. Do long distance so we wouldn't feel the need to go on dates or even worry about getting physical if it got to that point.

In my silly little crush clouded brain I thought that he would at least give us a shot but I know it was useless.

I know he doesn't feel the same way about me but I didn't realize it was gonna be this fucking hard.

"Just say something!" I say, raising my voice at him since I need to do something to keep myself from suffocating. "What do you fucking want me to say?" he throws back, getting just as upset but he has no reason to be acting like this, not when he holds our future in the palm of his hand.

"Say you don't like me, say you're not into me like that because from this reaction alone I know you probably don't feel the same way! Anything but this..." I say, my tone harsh but softening at the end, wanting to be mad at him but he's done nothing wrong. 

Nothing except for giving me false hope that we could be something more.

"I don't know how I feel about you" he admits and I scoff. "Well when you figure it out, you know where to find me" I say and pick up my bag that I had discarded on the table I had been sat on, waiting for him to finally show up.

I had decided to do this off campus.

We're seniors and although the rumors and humiliation from his rejection wouldn't go around for long it wasn't worth it to have the off chance of an audience.

No doubt they'll still circulate since the two of us have been conjoined at the hip since childhood but keeping the actual event from prying eyes was the best I could do.

I take one last look at him but his eyes are turned down, not even able to look me and so I walk to my car as fast as I can, holding back the stupid fucking tears that I told myself I would never cry.

I've always been told that boys aren't worth my tears, but he's not just some boy...

*Back to present time*

"Right um, thanks" I say and continue to look at my shoes, noticing the small scuff marks that I had accumulated from the many trips out I had taken them on, anything to distract myself from the man in front of me.

"I uh, I noticed you reading over there," he says, waving towards the general direction he had seen me at, "thought I would come over and introduce myself" he says, not letting me go with that simple apology for the unfortunate opening to us meeting again, though he doesn't know yet that we have absolutely no need for an introduction.

"Do you hunt down and force introductions with strangers often?" I mumble, wanting to be taken as closed off and disinterested as possible. He chuckles and I fucking hate how it makes my heart flutter, the same sound I had heard time and time again, although a little deeper now but no less charming.

"No, not often, but I didn't want to miss my opportunity since you decided to run off as soon as I caught your eye" he says, pointing out my obvious efforts of escape.

"I'm Jungkook" he says after there's been a lull in the conversation, holding out his hand for me to shake and after a pregnant pause I decide to take it, offering at least a common courtesy since I'm not the asshole in this relationship, or lack there of.

"It's nice to meet you" he says and I mumble the same sentiment back, not meaning a single word of it. "Do you talk to people's shoes often?" he teases as I haven't met his eyes since that initial glance, one he found inviting where as I felt was an ignition to my fight or flight, and unfortunately for me, yet fortunately for him, I chose wrong.

"That's not what I'm doing" I say, finally facing him, the difference in height a lot bigger than I remembered, his amused smile making it even more nerve racking, my body begging me to get the hell out of here.

"Then what is it that you were doing?" he asks, a crooked smile on his face but when a couple of beats passes by without me giving him an answer he takes that time to study me and when I see his expression changes to one of recognition I know there's no use in trying to get away unscathed.

"Yn?" he asks, my name no doubt feeling foreign on his lips but the way it sound to me is heartbreaking, a sound that I had hoped I would never hear again.

I decide to just look up at him, facing my fear since the answer to his barely articulated inquiry is quiet obvious to him now.

"What has it been, five year? Six years?" he asks, his eyes lighting up and his tone a relaxed one as if this is a happy reunion, showing that my feelings had really meant nothing to him.

"Seven actually" I say and he sighs in disbelief, "Has it really been that long?" he asks, a stupid question that could’ve been solved by a couple of seconds of mental math but I just hum as a response and try to walk past him, my first efforts of escape.

"Woah woah woah, where are you going?" he asks as if he had a right to keep me here. "Home" I say and try to walk down the path that'll lead me out of this bookstore that feels a lot smaller now.

"Do you have a second? I thought we could catch up? Maybe grab a coffee or something?" he suggests, nodding towards the cafe and I sigh, trying to think of the best way to shoot him down but luckily I don't have to, at least not now.

"I've been looking everywhere for you" David, my fiancé says, placing a just barely there kiss on my cheek as a way to somewhat establish our relationship to this unknown man in front of me.

When there's been another pause with me making no efforts of introduction David decides to take the initiative. "David" he says simply, holding out his hand for Jungkook to shake and he gives his name right back, their eye contact quickly broken as Jungkook's decided to bring his eyes back to me.

"Honey who's this?" David asks in a soft tone, placing a hand on my waist in reassurance, showing me he's not upset after finding me talking to this mystery man from his perspective. 

"We used to be friends back in school" Jungkook says when I still decide to hold my tongue, making this interaction even more uncomfortable than it needs to be but I have no obligation to make this go smoothly. His admission to having lost touch cracks open up a scab on my heart that I thought had healed long ago. 

"Oh, so you guys grew up together?" David asks and Jungkook nods. "Yeah...we did" he says softly, still looking at me as I've decided to look away from him after a few exchanges between the two of them.

"Honey do you think you could pull the car around? I'm sure he has something to get back to, as do we" I say, hoping he won't mind following my request without a need to ask for clarification. "Sure love, I'll text you when I'm out front" he says, him knowing that I'd no doubt like I second to wrap things up alone while remembering that we had to park pretty far away as it's an uncharacteristically busy day today.

"Thanks" I mouth to him and he places a kiss on my temple before holding his hand out for Jungkook again. "It was nice to meet you" he says and Jungkook nods half heartedly, "Yeah, you too" and he watches his back for a second as David leaves before turning his attention back to me.

"Boyfriend?" he asks unceremoniously, "Fiancé, actually" I say and he looks down and indeed sees the beautiful ring David had gotten me.

"Wow! Um, congratulations" he says, trying his hand at a halfhearted sentiment but failing miserably. "Yeah we've been together for four years so we figured it was time" I say and he nods his head giving me a sad smile.

"Well I'm happy for you" he says softly and I scoff, "No" I say abruptly to the point he flinches. "No?" he says as if he had never uttered the word before.

"You do not get to act like a kicked puppy because you didn't think I would move on" I say and place my pointer finger on his chest and he steps back as I apply pressure.

"What do you mean? I only said I was happy for you" he says as if he hadn't put on the saddest doe eyes he has ever given me. "You know you've gotten even more transparent with age" I say and he goes to open his mouth but I'm not done with him yet.

"You waltzed over here probably thinking I was just some cute girl that you wanted to shoot your shot with but when you found out it was me you wanted to what? Get a coffee? Act like nothing ever happened? Go back to the way we were? Or did you think you actually had a shot with me after everything you put me through?" I say practically shaking from the intensity of the words that I can't stop from coming out.

No warmth, no compassion left in my tone, just pure anger and disgust and I can tell from the way he's no longer carrying himself as confidently as before, he wasn't expecting this kind of a reaction from me.

After another pause as painful as the one all those years ago I scoff again, crossing my arms over my chest, losing patience with this conversation. "You gonna say something or are you still trying to figure out how you feel about me? Or better yet did you even bother to?" I spit out and he shakes his head.

"I was scared and stupid and selfish and couldn't figure out what the hell I wanted" he says, seemingly becoming more articulate over the years, but just barely.

"Is that all you have to say to me?" I ask, his explanation subpar at best. "Y/n I was eighteen and scared of losing you. You were the most important person in my life, and in some ways you still are" he admits but I shake my head and step away from him making him take a step towards me.

"You do not get to go around acting like the victim saying things like that just to mess with my head" I seethe, appalled that he thinks he has the right to say that to me. "Y/n I didn't mean to-"

"You know what?" I say, cutting him off, "I always thought that what you did, or didn't even bother to do showed that you didn't care about my feelings, but I never thought of you as being cruel. Maybe that whole time you were just toying with my feeling just because you could. You never expected me to have the guts to finally tell you how I felt huh?"

"Y/n please that's not what happened" he says, chasing after me when I start to walk away from him. "Then what did happen huh?" I spit out, waiting for whatever sorry excuse to come out of his mouth.

"I never meant to hurt you..." he says, reaching out for my hand but I move out of the way.

I give him one last once over, looking at how heartbroken and pathetic he looks but I have no sympathy for him and from the way the last bit of hope drains from his eyes he finally realizes that there's no saving this.

He tries once more to say something but we're interrupted by the text we both knew I was begging to come in.

"Y/n..." he says and tries to see if I'll give him one last chance but I turn my back and walk towards the door, my hand resting on the handle for longer than necessary, contemplating if this was the right choice but for the sake of my future I know that it was.

"Goodbye Jungkook" I utter under my breath and pull the door open to walk out. When I turn back to close the door behind me I do myself a horrible disservice by looking through the glass and seeing an expression on his face that I'll never forget.

Loss

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[morganski-19]

The One With Hiding in the Dark

Eddie returns to Steve’s bed, climbing under the covers and getting close to Steve. Expecting the post sex after care that should have happened the first time, but couldn’t because of location and time constraints. But there’s a hand pushing him away.

“We need to talk about this,” Steve says, serious.

“I thought we did already.”

Steve shakes his head. “No, we just discussed the label, not how this is actually going to work.”

Eddie sits up, reaches down to find the shirt he discarded off the side of the bed and slips it back on. “Alright then. How do you want this to work?”

Steve sits up, leaning against his headboard and crossing his arms. “You know me, I can have casual sex and not have it mean anything. But when I go out looking for casual sex, it’s never typically the same person. And never someone that I’m close to outside of the hookup.”

“Yeah, I noticed that.” He starts to pick at his nailbeds.

“If it were to go on for more than twice in a short period of time, it would tend to lean into the dating territory, which is not what you want.”

“So you don’t want to do this if it’s not leaning into the dating territory.” Eddie takes a deep breath. “I’m not sure I’m ready to be in that kind of relationship.”

Not after last time. When everything went down hill so fast and broke all of Eddie’s trust. Broke everything he built and tossed him straight to the gutter.

Steve nods, understanding. “And I’m not asking for that. All I’m asking is for the possibility that this goes somewhere other than sex.”

“I don’t think you’ll ever be just sex to me, Steve.”

A breath of relief escapes Steve. “Ok, that’s all I was asking for.”

“Is there anything else. Rules, guidelines, and such?”

Steve huffs. “Nothing insane or anything. Those are just a recipe for disaster.”

“I’m sensing a but, there.”

“But, I’d like us to be exclusive. Casual, no labels, no pressure, going at your pace, but exclusive. It’s better for safety, and for me. Can you do that?”

Eddie lets out a small laugh. “Yeah, I can do that. That’s pretty much what I meant by casual anyway.”

“Yeah, well, there’s a lot of different definitions of casual. I’ve been burned by them before.”

Eddie shift, moving to sit next to Steve. As if some sort of truce. He reaches out and takes Steve’s hand. “I don’t want to burn you, I just. I’ve got some commitment issues that I need to work through and don’t think I could tell the group yet.”

“Now I’m sensing a but,” Steve smiles. Squeezing Eddie’s hand in reassurance.

“But. You’re too important to me to lose because of my own issues. If we keep this just between us right now, like this, ease me into the whole relationship thing, I think we can do this.”

“I think we can too.”

. . .

Argyle wakes up shivering. The sheets thrown off the bed and the spot next to him empty. He forces his eyes open and sits up. Takes a second before leaving his bedroom, that’s slowly been turning into their bedroom, to go find wherever Jonathan was.

He finds him in his bedroom, which is slowly turning into just an office. Sitting in his pajamas with the lights out. The only light coming from his laptop. Blue light glasses sitting on his nose, reflecting the images he’s editing.

“Hey,” Argyle whispers, places a hand on Jonathan’s shoulder. Startling him. “Sorry.”

Jonathan relaxes back into his chair. “It’s fine. Why’re you up?”

Argyle pulls another chair up to the desk. “It’s cold without you there.”

He snorts. “You say that. Then the next time my hand happens to slip under your shirt, you try and throw me off the bed.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“So, if I do it right now, you won’t try and swat my hand away.” Jonathan raises his hand and moves it toward Argyle, who moves away when it gets close. “See.”

“It’s not my fault your hands are icicles. Like how can they even get that cold?”

Jonathan shrugs, turning back to his computer. Yawning into the back of his hand.

Argyle gets closer, placing his chin on Jonathan’s shoulder. “What are you working on?”

“Trying to get this random guy out of the background,” he says with another yawn.

“Is this something immediate that needs to be worked on, or can you continue it tomorrow?”

Jonathan pushes his glasses up to rub his eyes. “No, it’s not due for another two weeks. And this is the last image in the package.”

“So you could come back to bed then, is what I’m hearing.”

Jonathan tries to hide another yawn. “I was already in bed, it didn’t work.”

“For my benefit, maybe. Because I got cold without you.”

“Let me save,” Jonathan sighs. Caving into Argyle’s excuses, knowing he could really need the sleep. He closes the program and shuts down his computer, setting his glasses down next to the keyboard.

Argyle smiles with small victory as Jonathan stands, following him out of the room and into their bedroom.

“Jesus Christ,” Jonathan says when he sees the bed. “What did you do?”

“No clue.” Argyle picks up the sheets from where they hang off the bed, straightening them out again. Jonathan having to tuck his corner back in before getting back in.

Argyle gets close, wrapping his arms around Jonathan’s waist and holding him close. Pressing his lips against the side of Jonathan’s head. “This is a lot better than sitting at your desk isn’t it.”

“Maybe,” Jonathan smiles.

They two lay there in the dark. Argyle’s breaths starting to even out again, sleep returning. While Jonathan continues to stare at the ceiling. His mind keeping the sleep from him. A question waiting to be asked.

“Argyle,” he says into the dark.

Argyle hums, half asleep.

“Do you ever feel like I’m holding back? From us.”

That breaks Argyle out of his sleep. Causing him to pull away and prop himself up on his elbow so he can see Jonathan better. “No. Are you holding back?”

Jonathan avoids eye contact. “It’s not that I’m holding back, it’s just. We haven’t told anybody yet because we wanted to take it slow, but I know that affects you somewhat. And we haven’t really, you know, and I know you want that, and I can’t give that just yet and.”

“Woah, ok, slow down,” Argyle interrupts him. “First of all, none of what you said is true. We can take this relationship as slow as you want us to, there is no pressure there from me. And I don’t care when we tell our friends, they can wait. What matters is that we tell them when we want to, ok.”

Jonathan finally meets his eyes. “Ok.”

“And as far as the other thing goes. I don’t need to sleep with you to be in a relationship with you. I’d rather wait for you to get the spark than make you do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

“Are you sure, cause this has been a problem in the past and I just-,” he trails off.

Argyle shakes his head. “I love you, all of you. Even your demisexuality. We know it’ll come when it does and you can’t necessarily control it, it just happens. And when it does, we’ll figure out what to do from there. But for now, I’m just fine where we are.”

Jonathan’s eyes close as he exhales. “Love you too. Thanks for being so understanding.”

“I like to think of it as being a decent human being and partner, but you’re welcome.”

He lays back down, loosening his arms around Jonathan as he adjusts. Accepting the kiss Jonathan gives him before finally closing his eyes. Slowly falling back asleep.

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[chukys-mouthguard]

broken memories pt. 4

3.2k words

-> sequel to kinda tempting

featuring -> mat barzal x female reader x matt rempe

warnings -> mentions of loss of pregnancy/miscarriage

genre -> angst/suggested smut

After you’d posted the official statement to the Rangers socials, a flood of messages began pouring in. Your phone was blowing up to the point you couldn’t keep track. Many of Matt’s teammates had come to find you at the practice facility to offer their condolences, none of them having a clue as Matt never shared the news. Wanting to wait until you felt ready to tell everyone.

Your boss offered for you to head home early, figuring there was a lot on your mind and wanting to give you the afternoon to yourself. Which you didn’t feel was needed, however she insisted on it when you tried to protest.

Upon returning to your apartment, you’d found several floral arrangements had been delivered for you. The front desk of your building had held them all until you’d gotten home, then brought them up for you and left your kitchen island looking like a floral shop.

Looking through the cards you’d felt so much love and gratitude for everyone that had sent them. Despite it having been a little over a month now, you still had days that were harder than others. So now that you’d been able to share the news, and let people in on things, it made the weight on your shoulders a bit less heavy.

As you made it to the last floral arrangement, you’d found a card that was not one you expected to see. It was from Mat. The message leaves you a bit confused as you put it back on its peg in the arrangement. It wasn’t to offer his condolences about the loss, it was rather him reaching out to see if you’d thought any further about the conversation you’d had the other night. Then proceeding to tell you that he loved you, and always would. You weren’t sure whether or not you should throw out the flowers or smash the vase on the floor. The last thing you’d wanted to deal with today was anything other than the fallout of your announcement. Knowing that Matt would soon be coming over and you didn’t want to bother him with the situation.

You opted to place some of the flowers around your apartment, then naturally you pulled out your computer to get some more work done. With the season gearing up you couldn’t afford to fall behind, so you were backlogging content to ensure you’d have plenty of things to post daily. By the time you’d finished editing a few Tik Toks and Instagram Reels, it had been almost three hours. Matt was now walking in the door, his hair still damp from practice as he smiled seeing all the flowers that still sat on the island.

“Wow, did you decide to quit your job and become a florist?”

You smirked at him as you put your laptop away, walking over to give him a hug and a kiss before you started on dinner.

“Yeah, there’s honestly this one player on the team I can’t stand, Rempe is his name. Not sure if you know him? So I decided to just quit and work with flowers.”

He laughed as he looked at each of the arrangements, glancing at the messages of condolences and support from so many people.

“How are you feeling? My phone has been blowing up, kind of shocked to see how many people were reaching out. And people who have gone through similar things you know?”

You nodded as you prepped a pan for some chicken, then searched the cupboard for all the necessary spices.

“It is nice to feel like we aren’t alone. I honestly was a bit overwhelmed by it all. But I was really touched by the love and support everyone is showing for us. And for all the flowers, like holy shit!”

Both of you laughed as Matt went back to the flowers, smelling them and inspecting the different ones he’d never seen before.

“Y/n, what’s this?”

You glanced back at him as you finished setting the chicken into the pan. Squinting a bit as he held up one of the cards, unable to see anything that was written on it. Shrugging your shoulders as you didn’t want to state the obvious, but you weren’t sure what to tell him.

“A note?”

“From Barzal? You can’t be serious?”

You dropped your fork on the counter as you quickly tried to protest, wishing you would’ve tossed the card in the trash but it had clearly slipped your mind.

“Matt, listen. Let me explain, because it’s not what you think.”

“Hope you had a chance to think over our conversation from the other night. It’s always been you, I love you so much. I always will. Are you fucking kidding? Why am I never going to be good enough for you? Here I thought I’d finally been chosen by you, and he’s right there in the background trying to steal you away again. I’m always going to be second to him aren’t I?”

You watched Matt as he paced the floor, soon slumping onto the couch as his head rested in his hands. His body held tight to itself as he shook his head. His mind raced as he tried to make sense of it all.

You hated hearing him speak so negatively about himself, especially when none of the things he was saying were true. You were in no way putting him second or choosing anyone over him, but you could see how the note made him feel that way. And no matter what you said or how hard you tried to explain, you knew he wouldn’t believe you right now. These feelings clearly still present for him despite the fact you two had begun rebuilding things.

“Matt, please. If you just let me explain, you’ll understand that is not what’s happening.”

Matt pushed away your touch, pacing the floor as he tried to decide whether or not it was worth opening up about this. Despite the two of you working on starting over, his insecurities about not being good enough would always remain.

“Look, I get it. The way things began with us, wasn’t normal or how it should have happened. And certainly you getting pregnant wasn’t planned. But my feelings for you have never wavered, and I wake up everyday knowing that it’s you. Not because of a baby, not because of anything other than I want to be with you. Despite everything, it’s only you y/n. And the fact that he is still in the background, trying to be with you, I can’t win!”

Matt grabbed the flowers from the vase Mat sent you, tossing them to the ground as he needed to channel his frustrations somehow.

“Yeah I’m jealous. Sure I’m insecure. Because I’m never first choice, I never have been okay? So I’m sorry that for once I thought I was good enough to be someone’s first choice. And if you don’t feel that way, then why did we bother starting over?”

You were speechless, tears in your eyes seeing how upset he was. Not knowing that he still felt like there was even a chance you would leave him for Barzal. To know he had always felt like the second choice, or that he wasn’t worthy of being with you, it broke your heart. And before you could respond, he was grabbing his things to head for the door.

“Matt, wait please!”

But he was gone without another word, leaving you to regret not having just simply thrown out the note from Mat. You headed back to the kitchen, tending to the food on the stove that was close to overcooking. Though now your appetite has come and gone, simply packing up the food before retreating to your bedroom for the night.

-

You weren’t sure how much time had passed, maybe an hour or two, but you were jolted awake by the sound of knocking at your door. Checking the time, you questioned who would be there at almost midnight. Surely it wasn’t Matt, he had a key.

Slowly making your way to the door, you were shocked to see Mat Barzal on the other side. Reluctant to open the door you hesitated, questioning whether this was a good idea. Especially after the fight you’d just had with Matt over the note, you didn’t want any more drama to stem from Barzal stopping by.

Though curiosity got the best of you, and you’d unlocked the door, slowly opening it to see Mat standing there with a relieved smile on his face.

“Hey, I wasn’t sure you’d come to the door. Can I come in?”

Nodding your head you moved to the side, letting him in as he scanned the tens of flower arrangements on your counter.

“Wow, my flowers must not have seemed as meaningful to you today huh?”

His sarcastic tone caught you off guard as he almost seemed annoyed, clearly he hadn’t seen your post today or else he’d understand.

“Yeah, sorry I lost a baby and now your flowers don’t mean as much as the ones sent with condolences Mat.”

He looked to you confused, then realizing you must have finally made a statement, immediately cursing himself for being such an ass and making it about him once again.

“I’m sorry, truly. That wasn’t right to say. Of course these flowers were more meaningful to you right now.”

His eyes scanned the arrangements before finding a bundle of flowers on the floor, his heart sinking as he realized they were the ones he’d picked out.

“But it seems like you didn’t like them regardless.”

A soft chuckle left his lips as he bent down to pick them up, tossing them in the garbage as you could feel your frustration building by the second. Still unsure why he’d come all the way to your apartment if it were just to cause issues.

“Why are you here Barzal? If it’s to be an asshole then leave. It’s not the day for this.”

He was a bit caught off guard by you calling him by his last name, something you only did when you were angry with him.

“You didn’t text or call, I wanted to see if you’d gotten the flowers and my message.”

“Oh I got it, and your flowers ruined everything. So thank you so much, I love them!”

You crossed your arms over your chest as you looked to him for anything further, but he was unsure what to say. Not expecting to come here and argue. In his mind he’d planned on you telling him you thought about everything and wanted him back. Because that’s how Mat’s brain worked, that he was number one always. Everyone always picked him, folded for him and gave in. But he could see that wasn’t the case with you anymore.

“Where is this coming from? Don’t tell me you’re actually picking him? Did our relationship mean nothing to you? I broke off my engagement for you y/n! It’s always been you for me, and this is how you treat me?”

“I didn’t ask you to do that! You did that all by yourself. And no, the cheating on me meant everything to me. It ruined me. It pushed me away and I’m sorry but whether I did the same thing back to you, I will never look at you the same. I’ll never choose you. I can’t.”

Mat’s mind was racing, he couldn’t fathom you not choosing him. To be turned down by the girl he thought he could always run back to, it was a deep cut to his ego.

“Because you two were going to have a baby? After a one night stand? You just throw everything we had away for Rempe? I don’t understand how you could pick him over me y/n!”

“Because I love him!”

The words hadn’t even registered in your mind before you spoke them, catching yourself off guard as much as you’d caught Mat in the same position.

“Oh really? You love him?”

Mat took a step closer to you, his eyes scanning your face to try and read your thoughts. Not thinking as he acted on his impulse, his hand moving to cup your cheek as he crashed his lips to yours. Your hands immediately came up in protest, pushing against his chest to get him away from you. Followed by your hand striking him across the cheek, letting him know you were serious.

“Yes, I love him. With my whole fucking heart. I am choosing him, and I will continue to choose him every single day from now on. Because he isn’t going to treat me like you did. He’s selfless, kind, loving, understanding. He doesn’t expect me to melt at his feet and fold for him like you do. He feels like the luckiest man every single day to have me by his side. Something you took for granted the day you chose to cheat on me. So yes, I love him. And it’s always going to be him. Now get the fuck out.”

Without another word Mat headed for the door, speechless as he took one last look at you before you’d shut and locked the door behind him. Retreating back to your bedroom, checking your phone for a text or call from Matt, but nothing. You could feel the tears welling in your eyes at the thought of losing him for good this time, after finally realizing how much he truly meant to you. Not bothering with it being almost one in the morning, you typed out a quick text before plugging your phone in.

I know you probably hate me, I’m sorry. But I promise, I will always choose you. I love you.

-

The sound of your apartment door unlocking startled you, but you’d quickly calmed down as you knew it could only be Matt. Your heart skipping a beat as you were relieved he’d come back, telling you that he wasn’t too mad to stay away. Soon enough his tall frame was in the doorway of your bedroom, his silhouette illuminated by the moonlight that was shining through your window. His chest was rising and falling quickly, likely due to the fact he’d sprinted upstairs from the parking garage.

“Did you mean it?”

His voice was soft as he slowly made his way over to you, seeing that your eyes were beginning to fill with tears. Your emotions getting the best of you as you were happy to know he’d come back, his words not registering in your brain.

“What?”

He sat on the bed next to you, taking your hand in his as his thumb slowly brushed over the skin.

“Your text, did you mean it?”

All you could do was nod your head, Matt inching closer to you as his hand made its way to your cheek. His touch sent chills down your spine as his lips now hovered over yours, teasing you ever so slightly as his eyes held contact with yours.

Before you could apologize again for earlier, his lips crash onto yours. His hand tangled into your hair as the other pulled you into his lap. The two of you fought one another for control as Matt moved so his back was resting against the headboard. A smirk on his lips as he could sense how eager you were for his touch, your text message still vivid in his mind. The idea that you’d chosen him, that you only wanted him, it excited him in the moment even more.

His hands held your hips as he grinded you down against him, not embarrassed about the growing erection that was beneath his sweatpants. A smile on your lips as you let out a soft giggle at the feeling, though you loved knowing he was turned on by you. His hands roaming your body before pulling your lips back to his. The kiss now more intense than before, his tongue slipping past your lip as he took control, but did his best to keep things soft.

This wasn’t about getting right to sex in his mind, it was about taking his time to savor the first fuck after you confessed your love for him. And he couldn’t wait to hear the words fall from your lips. He knew the moment you’d said the words to him, he would be like putty in your hands.

“Can I hear you say it? Please?”

He voice was breathy as he smile at you, his hands moving to play with the hem of your oversized tshirt that had now rode up on your thighs. Exposing your skin to him as your ass slightly peeked out from under the fabric, resting firmly in his lap against his cock that was painfully needing its escape from his sweats.

You smiled down at him, brushing his hair from his face as your fingers traced his features. Your thumb brushing over his bottom lip before stealing a kiss, your hands resting at the back of his neck as you looked down at him.

“I love you Matthew Rempe. So fucking much. Today, tomorrow, and the next day after that. It’s you, I choose you. And no one else.”

Without warning he quickly flipped you over, now hovering over you as he laughed at the small shriek you’d let out at his action. His hips grinding into you as his lips kissed from yours down to your neck, pulling up your shirt to kiss down your chest until he reached the string of your thong.

Looking up at you his smile faded, a more serious look on his face as he hooked his fingers under the string of your thongs. Slowly pulling in down your legs and tossing it to the side, his sweats soon followed suit before he’d found his place above you again.

Your hand slipping between the two of you to help guide his cock to your slit, the two of your letting out a soft moan as he’d slowly thrusted into you.

“Fuck, Matt.”

Gripping his biceps he’d waited for you to adjust to him, his thrusts slowly starting as he felt you ease up on your grip. Your legs instinctually wrapping around his waist to pull him closer, his arms now resting on either side of your head as his lips met yours, swallowing your moans as he’d begun to pick up his pace.

Fingers tangling in his hair as his lips moved to your neck, kissing and biting at your skin as he could feel your pussy clenching around him, letting him know you were slowly reaching your peak. But he didn’t want this to end so quickly, needing to take his time and be sure to love every inch of you. To show you how much he loved you and needed you. His thrusts ceased as he brushed your hair from your face, his thumb brushing over the skin of your cheek as he smiled down at you.

“You make me the happiest man in the world. And I promise to never make you regret choosing me. I love you so much.”

[l33bang24]

OMG It’s You (Part 6)

YouTube! Fem reader x Stray Kids

Summary: Y/N’s YouTube channel is taking off after her reactions to Stray Kids MV God’s Menu. Now she’s making videos nonstop along with working a full time job. What would happen if she got offered a job of a lifetime and met the boys of her succession?

⚠️Warnings⚠️: rambling, rambling, and more rambling

🏷️: @laylasbunbunny @weirdowithaphone @silverstarburst @jusanontstuff @anxiousskylar @drewsandsebastianswife @amararosesblog @niaalove (Taglist open)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 2.5 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6.5 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9

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Y/N’s POV

I felt a sense of being overwhelmed as I attempted to set up the PO Box address. Gasping for breath, I went to my desk to power up all the necessary devices. I sank into my chair while waiting for my computers to boot up. I had just started reading an email when I received a call from the post office. After logging into my laptop, I returned to the email to continue reading.

Dear Y/N,

We closely follow your channel and greatly appreciate your insightful reviews on K-pop albums. On behalf of everyone here at JYP Entertainment, we are pleased to offer you exclusive access to Stray Kids' newest mini album, Oddinary. We kindly request that you refrain from releasing the video until the official release date. We would also request early access to the video to arrange for Stray Kids to watch it together before the release. We sincerely appreciate your continuous support for Stray Kids. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Park Jin-young

I almost wanted to roll my eyes when he asked me not to release the video until everyone could access the mini-album. Like, I would even think about doing that anyway. I click on the attachment below where the mini album sits, waiting to be listened to. I look back at all the stuff I brought from the post office and drop my shoulders. ‘Do I want to record this video first, or wait and make a video about all the stuff I got from the fans?’ That thought alone was already making my head hurt. “On one hand, if I go ahead and listen to the mini album, all I’ll have to do is edit it. However, I’ll have all these packages and letters littering my room.

On the other hand, if I do the stuff from the fans, I might be unable to record the mini album video before it releases.” I say aloud to myself. I knew that no longer sitting here would prevent me from doing anything.

After making up my mind, I decided to make a short video showing all the stuff I got from the post office and then review the mini album. So that way, I can edit it and have it ready. In the meantime, I can start opening up the mail I’ve gotten from the fans. Satisfied with the plan I’ve conjured in my head, I get started on executing my plan.

Before I go any further, I type up a professional email to JYP thanking him for the access and promise not to release the video until everyone else has access.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After creating a brief video showcasing the items I received and promising to film myself opening the packages, I uploaded it to my channel. Next, I retrieved the attachment for the mini album. I reached for my headphones from the rack on my desk and plugged them into my laptop. After conducting thorough sound checks to ensure the viewers and I could hear the music clearly, I proceeded to freshen up and grab something to eat once everything was set up to my liking.

Returning to my seat, I feel refreshed after showering and having a satisfying meal. I lean back and settle in, cleaning my teeth thoroughly with brushing and flossing. I need to present myself well to my audience, and I want to avoid any distractions, like food stuck between my teeth, that could detract from the experience. The thought of it gives me chills.

Grabbing my favorite pair of over-ear headphones, I carefully place them over my ears, ensuring they fit snugly. I double-check the microphone to ensure it's picking up my voice clearly, adjusting the distance as needed. Taking a moment to compose myself, I settle into my chair and take a deep breath to calm my nerves. With everything in place, I press the button to turn on my camera and count to five before flashing a warm smile and beginning my address to everyone watching.

“Hello Lovelies! So, I have some fascinating news for all of you. I received an email from a certain company and have been given early access to this artist's mini-album. That’s right! JYP has given me early access to Stray Kids newest Mini Album!” I start excitingly clapping to myself and smiling as wide as I can. “Now, while I may be getting to listen to this early, this video will not hit my channel until the actual release date comes. I will also upload this video once everyone has access to it. As most of you know, I listen to the whole album and then talk about it—what I like about it, what stands out most, etc. Still, in the end, I will give this album an honest review and rate it from 1 to 10. So, let’s get started.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Third Person POV

The boys were called into one of the offices, and you could say they did not feel this would be a good meeting. Even when they get to the room, they see their boss already there with a laptop. Chan, getting ready to take the heat from their boss for the group, gets stopped by JYP. “I didn't call you here because you did anything. I called you here for quite the opposite.” The boys were about to ask him what they were called in for, but their boss beat them. “I have something that I want you boys to watch. I think you will enjoy this. Leave the laptop when you’re done and press play when ready.” He tells them, leaving them with the laptop. Once he leaves the room and the boys can no longer hear his footsteps, they rush to the computer. They hesitate before pressing play, but what they see leaves them speechless.

It’s a video of Y/N, and they see that their boss gave her early access to their comeback album. Before they get too far into the video, they get chairs to be comfortable while watching her listen to their music. Changbin brings up the idea of connecting the laptop to the projector so it's not crowded around a small screen. They all agreed and fixed everything; all they had to do was press play on the laptop. Once everything is set, Chan clicks on the play button. All attention turns to the screen showing their favorite YouTuber.

“So, Stray Kids newest comeback album is called Oddinary and I will edit in a picture of what the cover looks like.” Before talking about it, she adds a picture of what their cover looks like. “Just from looking at it, I would say it looks pretty dope, like a screen-like mannequin head with screws showing out of it. Their color scheme is green, black, silver, and maybe purple. The titles on the album are, in order, Venom. Maniac. Charmer.Freeze. Lonely St. Waiting For Us with Bang Chan, Lee Know, Seungmin, and I.N. Muddy Water with Changbin, Hyunjin, Han, and Felix. I like all these song titles. Waiting For Us will be a tearjerker, so I must have my tissues on standby.”The boys start laughing and nudging each other. She bites her bottom lip while moving her cursor to the first song. “I’m going to listen to the songs in order, and I might save Waiting For Us last since I want to make sure Muddy Water gets a fair chance. Plus, I would cry in the end. Okay, without further ado, let’s get started.” The boys watch and gauge her reaction to each song. She tells them that she will talk about each song after listening to them all. When she reaches the end, she stops playing the last song. “Wow. I’m trying to save all my thoughts until after I listen to Waiting For Us. Why am I so nervous about listening to this? I know it will be a good song, but this one might knock it out of the park.” She shakes her head. “Alright, let’s do this. I’ve got my tissues on hand.” The boys laugh with her. The music starts to play, and her reaction changes right away.

Chan sees her go ahead and grab a tissue. Lee Know sees that her eyes start to look shiny. Changbin says that she’s gripping the tissue in her hand tightly. Hyunjin notices that she’s trying to keep her face neutral but fails to smile. Han watches as a stray tear falls down her face, even though she’s happy. Felix’s eyes follow her hand as she wipes her face with the tissue. Seungmin looks as she replays the song again. I.N. watches as she closes her eyes, listening deeply to the words, and tears stream down her face. At the very end, she removes her headphones, looks off to the side, and then laughs.

“I told you I was going to cry. I knew it was inevitable.” The boys smile at the girl on the screen, waiting for her review. “I will give this mini album a 100 out of 10. It has some great aspects to it. I love how each song fits and feels with the album title. There was a reason why I left Waiting For Us last: because I knew I would fall in love with it and did not want to listen to the other tracks. As it turns out, I was right.” She and the boys laugh.

“One thing about listening to a song for the first time is that not all click with you immediately. Everyone is different. Sometimes, it may take a few listens before you think, ‘I dig this song.’ Others will like it right away. I would say that I loved each song, but a couple of songs that didn’t click right away were Venom and Muddy Water. Now, does that mean I don’t like those songs? No, I enjoy them. That’s like the IN LIFE album. At first, The Tortoise and the Hare didn’t click with me. I loved the lyrics and the music, but a couple of parts in the song threw me off. Now that song can be put on repeat, I wouldn’t get tired of hearing it repeatedly. The moral of all the nonsense I’m saying is that sometimes songs don’t click right away but end up promising.”

The boys, watching her intently, wait for her final words. “I made two edits of this video since I knew I wanted to send one to the guys.” The boys freeze up as she looks straight into the camera before continuing. “Stray Kids. If you’re watching this right now, I want you to know how proud I am of all of you. You’ve come this far, and you’re still doing an amazing job. You keep showing Stays daily that you still have tricks up your sleeves.” She smiles at them. “Keep up the good work, but take care of yourselves. That means taking breaks, ensuring you eat, and getting the necessary sleep.” She points at the camera, “That means you too, Christopher.” She raises her eyebrows. “Don’t make me fly over there and force you to sleep.” The boys start to tease their leader with her mocking words. He waves their hands away, trying to listen to what she has to say. “Well, that’s it for the video! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did until we meet again. Bye!” She smiles, waving at the camera.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A/N: I decided to add this in because why not 🤷🏻‍♀️ The reader gets first access to Stray Kids mini album and Stray Kids get early access of the reader reacting to their newest comeback. I’ll be doing a second part to this chapter specifically to the reader videoing herself opening the packages from her fans (Including the boys 🤪)

(With a special surprise 😏)

[serendertothesquad]

The Ultimate Serendipity-Odd Squad Lore Post

Because you people keep asking for my entire story.

No, no, not my life story. Christ sakes, we'd be here until Gen Z'ers died off if I had to reiterate my whole life story.

No, I'm talking about my entire Odd Squad story. You know, how I got here to begin with, how I rose to fame, and how I am objectively still a god without a religion, a cult, or a religious cult. That story. You all want to hear that story.

If you're an oldie, you've probably already heard my tale at least once. If you're new here to the funny kids STEM show fandom, then damn boy howdy are you in for a wild ride.

Get a snack and a drink, pop below the break, and let's begin.

Allow me to take you back to the year 2014. I was the ripe young age of 15, finishing up my sophomore year of high school, and suffering from undiagnosed depression of the "I'm trapped in my own home" variety. We didn't have cable, and so stuff like PBS Kids, NBC Kids, and 4Kids were the only things I watched on a regular basis. In the online space, I was largely chronline to the tenth degree (and note the "largely", because, y'know...school). The Internet, and spaces like Tumblr, served as escapism, and I spent a lot of time particularly in the Wild Kratts side of things.

I had first heard of Odd Squad through PBS's own upfront, the PBS Annual Meeting, that was held in May (though the show was, as I would find out much later, officially announced back in January at that year's TCA Winter Press Tour). It was the network's first live-action show since The Electric Company reboot in 2009 that got swiftly cancelled, which was already enough to get me interested because PBS hadn't taken a chance on live-action stuff since. The premise, as well, was charming and incredibly interesting -- a secret organization that solves problems using math sounded a little saccharine and thus perfect for PBS Kids, but since it was live-action, I figured it could bring a little spice to the network in a way that not other kids shows of the modern network era (read: 2013 onwards, past the network redesign) did. The fact that PBS was willing to go all-in on the show, up to teasers, previews, even having two new games available for fans to play before its premiere, was practically the cherry on top.

Fast-forward to around September. By this point, teasers and promos were already coming out for the show that showcased Olive, Otto, Oprah and Oscar in action. And by this point, I was absolutely invested. On a whim, I decided to take my Sony camera and record a reaction video of me watching it. Was it weird? Yes, but I had no money for a laptop that wasn't a decade old and didn't run about as well as a computer from the days of yore. You make do with what you have.

Needless to say, when the first episode "Zero Effect" premiered, I was having a whale of a time. That's...pretty much all I remember. Aside from the swearing. Lots and lots of swearing.

(...Look, it was 10 years ago. My brain can only go on a decline after being fully developed. And the depression has been eating away at me for that long. When astrophysicists perfect the art of the time machine, call me.)

I uploaded it to my YouTube channel the day after the show premiered. No editing, just a straight-cut video of my reactions laid on the table. I figured, "Okay, so this would be nice to look back on and laugh, maybe."

And then, a month later, I got a PM from Joshua Kilimnik, the actor who plays Season 1's big bad Odd Todd.

Before I get into that, though, a bit of backstory for my channel is necessary.

I had made my channel in 2011, when Wild Kratts premiered. At the time, it was mostly hosting Wild Kratts content, mainly Top 10 countdowns of fan videos I stumbled across on Tumblr or elsewhere as well as Sparta Remix-related stuff. (Yeah, remember that old meme? That isn't as dead as you think it is? Yeeeeeeah.) Around the middle of 2015, it unfortunately got struck down pretty hard when PBS began to go Nintendo on it, viewed fanworks as threats to their IPs, and decided to rip down my videos from the 'Net in three easy strikes -- and with it, my entire channel. It stung, to see my relatively hard work go down the drain. I'd be lying if I said I had wanted the channel to stay up just so I can look back on it in 5 years and cringe at how juvenile it was. Christ sakes, I even had MLP stuff up there at one point. Why? Don't ask me. I wasn't even watching the show at the time. I truly got into it when Season 5 began airing.

But back to the PM. You know, back when YouTube gave you the option to PM people.

Getting the PM from Joshua, I was, naturally, suspect. Celebrity impersonators are all too common, and as I would later come to find out, Odd Squad was not exempt. I had to laugh, because an autistic nobody like me getting a PM from a child actor who was in the industry long before Odd Squad was like Ariana Grande up and inviting me to have dinner with her because I made a few comments about her diction. It's a miracle, people. Miracles that only happen to those with life-threatening illnesses or those who have done good for the community. I had neither of those. Unless you count me going to high school as doing the community a service, in which case I have one of those things.

I read the PM again. And again. And again. And something in me thought, "Maybe...just maybe...this guy is actually legitimate. Maybe he's telling the truth about the entire Season 1 cast and the show's crew members, creators included, seeing my video. I mean it's 2014, what creator wouldn't look to the Internet for first reactions on their show?"

Fuck it. iBalled. I went for it. I reached out to Joshua.

And by God's oddness-laden utopia, am I so happy I did.

We immediately hit it off, taking our conversation from YouTube DMs to Twitter DMs (no, my current Twitter is not that ancient -- my time on birdsite-now-saltyman-hellhole is a whole different story) and discussing our hobbies and what we did. Joshua confided in me that he helped disabled kids, which, honestly, is a green flag in my book off the bat as someone who is, in fact, disabled. I told him about my animal shelter work and how I loved the show.

At the same time, I had posted on Tumblr about the show. Don't ask me what the post was about -- I honestly couldn't tell you, and combing through the tag is something I'd need a hell of a lot of motivation for -- but it somehow, by some astronomical means, took off. People came in like a small trickle. It was small, but over time, we built a strong community. I didn't exactly know how big my impact on people was until I read "how I got into Odd Squad" stories and saw my name pop up enough times to the point where I could safely say I was an inspiration to more than one person.

At some point in 2015, I had created a Wiki for the show. Fandom -- or Wikia, as it was called back then -- wasn't exactly new territory for me, as I had visited other show Wikis before. However, my Odd Squad Wiki didn't take off, and someone else ended up making another one that became far more successful.

...Yeah, you're surprised, aren't you? Figures. But not even I can lay claim to everything.

When the other Wiki took off, Joshua decided to dive right into the fire and engage with the fandom directly. Now, for any big-name fandom, this is everyday normalcy. The My Little Pony fandom has fans directly engage with cast and crew members who answer their questions, for example. But for small fandoms of niche IPs -- and oh believe you me, Odd Squad was incredibly niche back then -- a cast member interacting with fans was a huge deal. The hype only increased when Joshua was named an administrator, along with a few others, myself included.

Needless to say, Joshua being involved boosted the fandom's activity exponentially, and not just due to his spectacular acting on the show. Fanfics, fanart, fan videos...it was a bustling time of fan content. I can recall some of the most notable works just off the top of my head. The fandom got to be so busy that I made a news blog just to cover every bit of news, shifting away from my Wild Kratts news coverage to focus on a different show instead. I enlisted a few old friends to help me out, converted them to be oddballs (which, I will say, was a stroke of luck), and put them on the "staff team". My aim was to create something akin to Equestria Daily, but on a smaller scale. We did editorials, episode followups, and scoured the Internet for any and every bit of Odd Squad news we could find. It became a reliable source for many, especially considering PBS's horrible track record with even the most basic of news -- cancellations, renewals, and other such announcements. Not to brag, but I like to think I did a better job than them at actually giving news to fans who deserve it. (Hell, I still do. My hunger for even small crumbs of news is very strong indeed.)

I can easily recall when Season 2 was announced. Me and my friends were ecstatic. For me, I never thought Odd Squad would get a Season 2, and the Season 1 finale -- affectionately named OINFO (don't confuse it with "O is Not For Old", that's a different rodeo; this is "O is Not For Over") -- made sure of that. Originally, it was set to air in May, before it got shifted to June to coincide with Season 2's premiere.

And even long before that, the movie being announced blew our minds. I genuinely couldn't believe this niche little IP, birthed only several months ago, was getting a movie. And not even one of those specials that PBS markets as a movie as a ratings stunt. No, no, this was a full-blown theatrical movie. With A-listers to boot! And it was a damn good movie!

(...Okay, unrelated, but man, I'm reading through all my old posts and comments on the Wiki and cringing. God, did I really type like a 10-year-old back then when I was in high school? Egh gross cringe. The "let her say fuck" was strong with me back then.)

Of course, as most actors do, Joshua largely moved on from the show as the years went on. Most long-timer fans stuck around until the end of Season 2 before either other interests caught their eye or real life just got in the way too much. A majority of these fans dropped off the face of the Earth like an introvert who suddenly disappears mid-conversation, though they still popped into the Discord server a few times and I reconnected with one or two on Twitter. Hell, some of them even made a "hey, I'm back, and here's what's up" post on Fandom that made me ask if their accounts got hacked.

As a result, when Season 3 premiered, the fandom had slowed down to a crawl. Anyone who's bore witness to it, whether an episode or a nugget of criticism, can probably guess why. (And anyone who hasn't can feel the wrath of my "trust me bro" card, thank you.) It was like I willingly leapt off of the boat, it sped away without me, and I was trapped in the middle of fuck-all nowhere with sharks. So, you know, like Open Water if it was actually good. But the point stands in that I was pretty much all alone. I couldn't crawl to anyone for the sweet release of death after seeing just how hard S&P tried to avoid The Shadow's very obvious murder attempt by way of hacking into a car to make it fall into a lake of green goo. All I could do was scream and cry into a mic, edit, upload to YouTube, and let all the unsupervised kids looking for free episodes come to me in droves.

Oh, and post to Odd News. Until I accidentally deleted the account.

By that point in time, my old friends had all left due to real life commitments, and only one, Angelica, remained. But even she drifted away, and I was stuck running it all alone. So, I made the difficult decision to let it rot, and frankly...I haven't touched it since. Largely because I left Tumblr entirely and only just now came back. On the news front, I expanded my coverage to PBS Kids as a whole network, just as I do on Twitter.

It wasn't until the back half of Season 3 premiered that the fandom slowly but surely began to grow from planted roots, and I could connect with people again. Seeing people flood the Discord server and Tumblr, sharing art and news and theories, was amazing. Not for Season 3, though -- it was because of the past two seasons. Honestly, to say there's been more talk about Otis and Odd Todd than about any other character in the entire franchise is a hell of an understatement, because it dominated pretty much 98% of the fandom.

From there, new fanworks, fanart, and other pieces of fan-created media were created, and many still continue to be created to this day. Though hyperfixations can be yoted off the cliff and die in an instant (with deepest apologies to Shroom), it's great to see a burst of activity in such a small fandom. Hell, it even got big enough to where we had a Secret Valentine's exchange a couple months back, which was a real joy because it gave me a chance to flex my writing chops even if it did leave me on the verge of a third panic attack. And...the fandom being revived did land me a solid interview for a college assignment. Which, to me, is my own equivalent of getting a dedicated panel at a convention.

But this isn't a whole entire story about fandom lore. It's a story about me.

And honestly...I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little tired with Odd Squad myself.

Between the choking responsibilities of adult life (yay work), the state of my mental and physical health (yay depression and anxiety), and the franchise being fucked over sideways to Pluto and back by numerous entities (yay TV industry), I really can't just focus on Odd Squad anymore. Now, I'll give a fair warning to you and tell you to make no mistake -- my enjoyment of the franchise will die with me and my entire bloodline if the franchise itself doesn't die first. But I've found other special interests and hyperfixations that have grabbed me more than the funny kid agent franchise has. I derive more joy from binging the 90s Frasier series, Pretty Cure, and Neighborhood Wars than I do with the funny kid agent franchise.

Now, does this mean I'm leaving the fandom? God no. To do it on the verge of the franchise's 10th anniversary would be utter blasphemy. And I do plan on weaponizing this blog for more Seren's Studies, including episode reviews and character analyses I can't do with the limited resources I have. But the drive for Odd Squad is just...no longer there for me. I did not, unfortunately, get the "Odd Squad forever" autism. I got the "childhood is hell, but okay, sure, I'll make you a functioning competent adult to a certain degree" autism.

Maybe one of these days, amidst the countless new pieces of media that keep releasing, I'll be able to rewatch Odd Squad. It's worn out its welcome nostalgia-wise, but I find it to be a pretty enjoyable view when I take off those glasses and put on the "my God is an awesome God and that's why I try to attend church every Sunday" ones. I'm still making crossover fan projects to other IPs like MLP, Super Monkey Ball, and Precure. And of course, I'll be seated for Odd Squad UK to see if it's good or not -- I'm more than happy to take the bullet for people who don't want to see it for whatever reason, just as I did for the back half of Season 3. But for now, the drive is pretty much gone.

I will admit, I'm likely missing some stuff. My memory is absolutely terrible, and I had to go fishing for a lot of stuff to refresh it (one of the reasons why this took so long to release in the first place). But this is what I can dredge up.

I'm honestly proud of the little fandom I birthed. I could work a hundred jobs in my lifetime and still say that founding the Odd Squad fandom is by far my greatest accomplishment. I've met so many amazing people, seen so many amazing things, and really, I'm hoping to see more people in the years to come. If the aim is to introduce Odd Squad to new generations of kids, teens, young adults, and adults alike, then I'm all for it. Expose them to goodness. None of that Cocomelon shit.

Thank you for reading, and to all of the people in the fandom both old and new, thank you for touching my life in ways I never thought of. If you've got any further questions about my story, send 'em my way; I'll be glad to answer 'em.

See you all in the next Seren's Studies, whenever that may be.

[stitchwraith-stingers]

CUPIDS GUIDE TO STIMBOARD MAKING

i want to state off that theres no wrong way of making it! for excample, i personally dont like using slime and soap cutting gifs but others might really like using them and thats ay-ok! just my own advice for people who might also want to do them, since my own sideblog is just self indulgent boards lol

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CREDIT UR GIFS

pinterest is your worst nightmare, alot of stolen and reuploaded gifs, people take time to make these gifs! i just usually link back to where i found these gifs, heres a post explaining it

for mobile its harder so i reccomend just pasting the links to whatever post that have the gifs you like in a draft and after youre done for the time being and are ready to put them you paste them one by one where youd like to put them (tutorial by stimboardboy here)

heres my own little link-back banner thingy i use so you can copy and paste -> 1 2 3 / 4 5 6 / 7 8 9 ; i myself just use different emojis corrilating to the theme but you do you, its your board

since im a laptop user, i usually download about 4-5 gifs on their own and when i have to download more i just override the savefile on those ones (make sure to save the boards before doing this! it could remove the previous gif due to it not being there now lol)

how to find gifs

heres afew tips from another person!

been using this tip ever since i was told this, say i only want to find blue, you type #stim #blue in the search tag!

and just like that, viola! posts that contain blue gifs! works abunch of other stuff

you can add another tag if you want to, and its mainly how i use to find my own gifs! i reccomend trying other tags like #Blue stim since ive also seen people tag certain things like that, go crazy!

cant find it? you can gif it yourself!

i personally find my own stuff via youtube shorts or tiktok, but if its a long video that you cant (i use icecream recorder, which has its own little watermark so i make sure i clip it slightly bigger) a

s for my own clipped videos, which is the middle pic, i just paste them onto a tumblr draft and download them on my computer from there since i dont like using my phone often, kinda a hassle, if you have the space then i reccomend google drive or emails instead lol

and then i use ezgif! which ill segway into talking about how to use it to color

it can be kinda tricky, sometimes it works well and other times it. doesnt lol, note to self that if you want the gif to become black and white (like these two) you check grayscale, not monochrome

if you want the tint to be lighter you have to put it at 100%, but other then that you cant make it lighter so it can look a little bit awkward and sometimes the hue wont be the best, try messing around with the saturation and brightness if you have to but i myself say that its semi hit-or-miss

i heard people using photoshop to edit their gifs but i cant help you with that from then on, lol

but what do i put in there?

i usually pick between 2-4 themes to use for my gifs and its by association, ill use afew of my own as excamples

first one is based off an episode, so my idea is what happens in it ill base it off, the whole idea is that its a board game set in the desert, with alot of biking and a snake antagonist, so i looked up those 4 subsecently

the second one is a character who has 4 different forms, and used to live in a rainforest, and by extention ill use rain gifs with the rain- part of it

if you ever need help then you can also look up said character to see if other stimboards were made of them for inspo, though that might not be very reliable if the character youre looking up for is sorta niche (me being the only person to consistantly post fop boards 😭😭) but you should give it a try anyways

of course you dont have to stay on a association theme, you could just look up brown and blue because the characters color scheme is brown and blue, thats up for you to decide!

find other blogs to help find gifs!

i reccomend finding other blogs to find gifs, afew i personally reccomend are deadboystims, starclanstims / battlecatstims / brightpawstims, stimboardboy, talos-stims and heartnosekid! its going to be a little bit harder since the search system on actual blogs is very finnicky lol but if you dig you could maybe find something you like

also another thing i reccomend is looking at blogs that archive old gifs from deleted accounts, accounts like stimkids, stimgifarchive, vintagestims and deletedstimgifs

stimmyvillain and stimmyvillainarchive also have aton of old gifs you can use, just arent circulated as often

other stuff

like i mentioned i reccomend just putting the links to posts with gifs you want to use untill youre ready to properly update your draft and link them back, and with every gif i upload i like to save the post as often as possible, thats just me being me though

that should be it, i dont think i missed anything but if anyone wants to ask questions lmk 👍 i hope this was cohirent as possible akjhkajhkajha

[koishiro]

Ermmm quick question… HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL AF BLOG?? Like pls share and help me out bc my blog is BARE and empty and looks nasty af, I wanna make my pinned posts and moodboards and just pfp and theme look pretayyy ☹️☹️

Awe thank youuu!!! >.< I think bc I’m such a minimalist in rl it’s easier for me to pick and choose. But here’s a tutorial that’ll hopefully help :33

NOTE! I do everything on my iphone (writing, editing, decorating my page etc just in case ur wondering if I do all this on a laptop/computer,,,I don’t :p)

ʚ The way I work is I’ll choose 3 main colours; a light colour, an in-between shade and then a dark colour. Mine for example : light colour: white, in-between shade: grey, dark colour: dark grey. It’s up to you whether you want ur dark or light colour to be ur main colour but I’d keep ur in-between shade as an in-between. (Think of ur in-between shade as a gradient, helping to blend ur light colour with ur dark colour)

AND CHOOSE COLOURS THAT WORK TOGETHER! Even when picking pictures like for example ur navigation or pinned page make sure the pics have the same three colour combo you used through ur whole blog even if its minuscule it’ll make a huge difference I promise u (so like I’d personally look out for white, grey and black accent pics for my blog on Pinterest) :

ʚ Even with moodboards I still work with the same mindset! :

SET YOUR THEME! Once you’ve figured out your colours and where they’ll go, set your blog’s theme from the editing page!!! (hint : I’d use your mid/gradient/in-between shade as your accent but it honestly depends on what ur after) :

ʚ What really helps is when you have a pic theme and what I mean by that is maybe use ur fav character from somewhere (like mines megumi from jjk) or maybe it’s a sanrio character like my melody. (I grab my pics from this Pinterest board if that helps which I also use for my moodboards)

Example :

⤷ I also found it helped my aesthetic when I added links into my bio to help find my carrd and navigation (here’s the link for the tut) it helps fill out ur bio especially if ur not sure what to put there :) — I know earlier I said I do everything on my phone but I’m not entirely sure if this is able to be done on a phone (android or iphone) so I’d use a laptop with this part if you can :))

Miscellaneous things you can add!

ʚ You can also customise ur ask page title (like mine is : send me a love letter ︎♡)

ʚ Keep ur writing post themes consistent — this helps readers actually remember ur work while also tying ur blog together.

For example, I always use this draft for my writing :

ʚ Fonts really help! I personally use the app : keyboard + + for free fonts (u just have to watch a few adds to unlock them)

ʚ I find it important to make sure whatever picture you add to your blog has a transparent background — not everyone has the same colour palette (like mine is permanently on Dark Mode while others will have theirs on Gothic) :

(I use Picsart for this)

ʚ Tags make a difference on your posts too! A separate tag index can also help ur followers know where to find certain posts for easy scrolling or maybe posts they want to avoid (like smut) :

ʚ For my pfp I chose a bright main colour like yellow to stand out against the dark grey of my blog and I usually leave this as the last step in my “blog decoration” just because I find it easier once all the main construction is done and then I can see what colour(s) I need to add back to tie my blog together.

ʚ I also like to hide my pfp/avatar from my bio bc it looks a bit too much and too big for me personally and it can sometimes clash with the colours you already have going on, I like a minuscule pfp but again that’s just preference :

Anywhoooo I think that’s it! Hopefully this helped and if you (or anyone else) have anymore questions or if you want me to personally help you with decorating your blog pls pls pls message me and I’ll be happy to help! ,,,Mwah! <3

[anotherfuckingmarvelfanaccount]

Come Take A Break With Me

My Masterlist

Pairing(s): Pietro Maximoff x Fem!ADHD!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of sex, medication, and unhealthy eating and drinking habits. Maybe a bit of swearing, but I’m not sure. 

Word Count: 752

Summary: When Pietro realizes that you’ve been so busy writing you haven’t taken care of yourself, he convinces you to take a break with him.

**

“Where’s Y/N?” Pietro asked Peter at the dinner table. “I haven’t seen her all day.”

Peter stabbed his fork into his bowl of pasta. “I think she’s in the library, said something about working on a deadline.”

Pietro rolled his eyes. “A self-imposed one, I bet. Oh my darling princessa never knows when to stop. Her adoring fans will be there no matter how long it takes her to get another fic out. They know she has a life.”

“Are you gonna go get her?” Peter asked.

“I’ll wait until after dinner, she won’t want to eat with everyone if she’s in the middle of her hyperfixation.” Pietro said, twirling his fork around. “When was the last time you saw her?”

Peter finished chewing before answering. “Two days ago?”

“She hasn’t taken her pills!” Pietro exclaimed, rushing to your room to grab your pills before heading to the library in the compound. “Princessa? Are you in here?” 

You looked up, hearing Pietro call for you. “Piet? What are you doing here?”

“Checking on you. How long have you been down here?”

“A couple of hours, I think.” You said, shrugging before turning back to your laptop.

FRIDAY picked that moment to chime in, “Miss L/N has been down here for 2 days without eating, drinking, sleeping, or taking her meds, Mr. Maximoff.”

“Princessa? I leave for a one day mission and you don’t take care of yourself for two? What in the everloving hell is this? Why another self-imposed deadline when you know that your followers will just be happy to see that you’re active? You’ve made it clear to them that you have a real and very pressing lifestyle outside of the computer, and you aren’t writing any series’ so there’s not a rush to get out the next chapter either.”

You looked down, embarrassed to have forgotten the most basic human needs while Pietro was away. “‘M sorry.” You said quietly, subtly wiping at your eyes.

Pietro rushed to your side, holding your hands in his. “Hey, princessa, I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you, I just worry because I know you can forget sometimes. Why don’t you finish your idea and then we can go upstairs and get some food, drink, and sleep? I brought you your meds. Come take a break with me.” He told you, kissing the back of both your hands.

“I love you, Piet.” You said, nodding gently. “Yeah, um, this fic really just needs me to step away, I’ve been killing myself trying to write it for weeks when all I really want to write is the next thing on my list. But I really want this done first, so I think it’s done, but I should come back to the fic later, in a different mindset.”

“More fed and rested.” Pietro said, pulling you in for a hug and resting his chin on top of your head.

“Exactly. I’ll bring my laptop upstairs with me and edit the fic in the morning before I post it.” 

He kissed your forehead gently before asking you a serious question. “Did you not notice that you were hungry?”

“You know how I get.” You replied.

“Oh, I do. But you didn’t notice you were hungry for two days?”

You kissed each of his cheeks softly. “Well, now that you mention it, I’m starving. What did Wanda make for dinner?”

“Some pasta dish, I don’t know, I probably let mine get cold rushing down here.” He replied, handing you your meds.

“A quick dinner and then we can cuddle, okay? I know you don’t sleep as well without me and you must’ve noticed I never came to bed last night.”

Pietro laughed, kissing all over your face. “You know me too well, princessa.” He zoomed the two of you upstairs. “Eat and then bed, okay?”

“Make sure you soundproof the room this time.” Tony remarked dryly, glancing back and forth between the two of you.

“She hasn’t slept in two days, we won’t need soundproofing to sleep, Stark.” Pietro said, taking up a bowl of dinner for you.

You rested your head on your hands, with your elbows on the table innocently looking at Tony, “Well, maybe we’ll just have to show you how loud Piet can be another time then, Tone.”

“Oh, princessa, I think you’re getting the two of us mixed up.” Pietro said, placing your bowl in front of you and sitting next to you.

“We’ll have to test and see, baby.”

**

Taglist: @chrisevansdaughter, @buckybarnesandmarvel, @sarahrogersevans, @nana1000night

Let me know if you want to be added or removed!

[wrongcaitlyn]

not fic related but i know you are an editor (i follo you on insta!!) but i wanted to ask you how did you start editing and most importantly how did you learn? i’ve always wanted to start editing bc i just have sooo many ideas but i can never figure out where to start and what programs to use. what would you recommend?

ahh omg yes!!! AN EDITING QUESTION god i havent talked about editing in so long even tho im trying to get back into itskldjf

(for those who don't know, i do have an editing insta and tt acc (though i'm not active on tt)!!! @/thae.rchxr on insta and thaerchxr on tt)

i started editing in 2020 during quarantine, and on capcut! i think that it's a pretty good starting spot, especially because it's free and it allows you to understand what you really want to make with your edits/what kinds of edits you want to make - velocities, lyric edits, transition ones, etc

i have to say i wouldn't recommend templates and i'm really not a fan of them. that's my only neg abt capcut now, even though i don't use it... yea i've seen too much of these template apps literally stealing the hard work of editors and it sucks

but anyway!! i currently use after effects, and have used it since early 2022, however it's a computer program, and - though you can pirate it and there are lots of videos online on how to do that - it also costs money if you don't wanna pirate (i got it as a christmas gift so i have the paid version but there's really no difference)

no matter what program you use, TUTORIALS!! youtube is your best friend. i have a youtube channel actually but i mainly post transition inspo instead of tutorials, however if you want some recs (for ae, i unfortunately don't know a lot of tutorial channels for other apps), i learned so much from klqvsluv, ae.chambb, and clewxdre on youtube! and, of course, lauren. she's kind of a mini celebrity in the editing communitysdklf - and there are so many more as well

if it's transition edits you're specifically trying to get into, def try and master the basics - zoom in's, out's, slide left/right, shakes and turbs if that's the kind of edit you wanna make. but honestly, the entire thing is just practice practice practice!! even though i only started editing on ae 2 years ago, i used to make edits, like, every day. i was obsessed. i would wake up and spend hours on edits, trying new transitions and new plugins and effects, and i think it really paid off :)

another thing you can do is attempt to remake edits! most editors will be completely alright with it (as long as you don't steal, ofc) and many even put out project files (i do have a few on my payhip- linked in my insta lmfaodjsf shameless self promo) that you can look at to see how they did certain transitions. remakes are good because it takes out the factor of having to figure out what transitions you want to make and lets you focus entirely on the technical aspect - which will then make it easier for you to pull off the transitions you think of yourself!

so, to conclude this ramble bc i can never shut up - i think i would definitely recommend ae if you have a computer/laptop. but i also think that other editing apps (the ones i see most often are videostar, alight motion, and capcut - all of which are mobile apps) can make absolutely incredible edits. i have friends who use each of these different editing apps and i know they can make some of the most mindblowing edits, even though i personally have no idea how to use vs or am lmaodsjf

so it's up to you! look at some tutorials, don't feel too intimidated, and go with the layout that makes the most sense to you. then just don't be afraid of making a "bad" edit bc let's be real the first edits are alwaysss shitty. i cringe when looking back at the edits all the way to last summer. but that's the beauty of it, because you can see your editing style and skill grow over time, and then you can eventually make edits that you'll be really proud of <3 i wish you the best of luck on your editing journey!! it's honestly so fun once you get into the swing of it :)

[aliceingrungelandcomic]

Quick update!

After this weeks Alice page, I may need to go on a brief hiatus. My computer is having some issues and I will be bringing it to the shop to get looked at. Best case scenario, my laptops there for a few days and fixed. Worst case scenario, I need a new laptop. Both will need some time to deal with.

I do have a backup laptop that my girlfriend will let me borrow but editing the Webtoon version of Alice might be too much for it so to keep things fair, if I can't make the Webtoon version of Alice I'll just not post.

Alice is still all good to post on everywhere for tomorrow.

Hopefully things go smoothly one way or the other and I can get you all that update! If not, thank you for your patience!

[kitkatt0430]

not quite an assumption but i am terrified of you how do you find the motivation (and TIME) to write as much as you do + with the quality you do???

I admit... sometime i write during work hours, something made easier because I can just work from home with my home laptop setup on one side of my L-shaped desk setup and my work laptop on the other.

While code is compiling or during a tea break I can write a few sentences or a few paragraphs or do a little editing. I don't write during work often, but on a slow day I can sometimes get a lot done on a fic. (I'm more likely to read or play music off my plex server, but writing is an option I enjoy having available.)

But overall I'm just a fast touch-typist. Slowed a bit recently by my switch to one of those split design ergonomic keyboards for my home office setup. Because, uh... I gave myself some very mild carpal tunnel symptoms this year presumably primarily from my typing. Though I think a few other things contributed. (Thankfully my wrist brace for sleeping in has largely cleared up the worst of my symptoms. No surgery needed!!!) So perhaps I should be viewing my own amount of output fic-wise to be a bit scary too. 😳

I'm not totally sure where my motivation to write comes from, exactly. Sometimes a fic idea comes to me and my imagination spins it like a microwaved plate enough times that I just have to write it. Because it's funny and I want to share or it's serious and it feels like I need to tell it or because my fingers just have to type it out so that it'll stop spinning in my brain. I think some of that is potentially ADHD related, tbh.

Honestly, every year I look back on how much fic I've written and go no??? I didn't write that much. Did I? Obviously I did but... wow. O_O Sometimes I focus so much on the fics that I haven't written, like series continuations, that I forget just how much I have actually completed and posted and that i should be proud of that work. I've really liked things such as the Ao3 Wrapped and other finished fic ask games here on Tumblr that remind me to look back and be happy about everything I've accomplished.

As for the fic quality... I have been writing fanfic since I was very young. The first fanfics I wrote were entirely for my own enjoyment when Star Trek Voyager was first airing. I still regret those fics were lost when the computer crashed. Though I also wrote a lot of plot ideas and story intros to those ideas in various notebooks at that age too, with homages to Snoopy's 'A dark and stormy night' type intros and influence from whatever I was reading at the time. Those are lost too, but all of it taught me things along the way about what worked for me and what didn't and how to improve my spelling and grammar. (Though re-reading my own fics is, to this day, an exercise in patience every time I find a minor error.)

So I owe my writing style and fic quality today to eight-year-old me who saw herself a bit in Naomi Wildman while playing imagination games. To my eleven(twelve???)-year-old self who identified with feeling like the odd one out the way Seven of Nine did and started writing my own stories about her as result and who didn't give up writing when my hand-me-down computer crashed only a few months after it was moved into my room, taking with it all the writing I'd saved. To my fourteen-year-old self who fell in love with reading fanfic and my sixteen-year-old self who tried to break out of the internalized misogyny and queerphobia with my writing despite not even realizing I had those things inside of me. To my college age self who didn't let busy schedules and calculus (ew) stop me from making time for my writing.... to every version of me I've been along the way who kept writing and improving my technique, often without even realizing that's what i was doing.

I'm thirty-five now, so my writing ability has had a lot of time to grow. But really, that's all my fic quality comes down to. All the time I've spent over the years telling lots of stories.

[shuxiii]

Everyday pt. 8

Hanni Pham x reader pt1, pt2, pt3, pt4, pt5, pt6, pt7, pt8, pt9, pt10, pt11, pt12, pt13

a/n i am dying, credits ''every day'' david levithan

TW: homophobia

a/n me messing i saw hanni in edits today and pictures I had to make chapter 8, still credits all to ''every day'' by David levithan, edit: I'm losing my sanity

Day 6006

The phone rings.

I reach for it, thinking it’s Hanni.

Even though it can’t be.

I look at the name on the screen. Austin.

My boyfriend.

“Hello?” I answer.

“Hugo! This is your nine a.m. wake-up call. I will be there in an hour. Go make yourself purdy.”

“Whatever you say,” I mumble.

There’s a lot I have to do in an hour.

First, there’s the usual getting up, getting showered, and getting dressed. In the kitchen, I can hear my parents talking loudly in a language I don’t know. It sounds like Spanish but isn’t Spanish, so I’m guessing it’s Portuguese. Foreign languages throw me—I have a beginner’s grasp of a few of them, but I can’t really access a person’s memory fast enough to pretend to be fluent in any of them. I access and find that Hugo’s parents are from Brazil. But that’s not going to help me understand them better. So I steer clear of the kitchen.

Austin is picking Hugo up to go to a gay pride parade in Annapolis. Two of their friends, William and Nicolas, will be coming along. It’s marked on Hugo’s calendar as well as his mind.

Luckily, Hugo has a laptop in his room—since it’s the weekend and a school computer isn’t an option, I am going to risk checking in. I quickly open my email and find something that Hanni sent only ten minutes ago.

Yn,

I hope it went well yesterday. I called her house just now and no one was home—do you think they’re getting help? I’m trying to take it as a good sign.

Meanwhile, here’s a link you need to see. It’s out of control.

Where are you today?

H

I click on the link beneath her initial and am taken to the home page of a big Baltimore tabloid website. The headline blares:

THE DEVIL AMONG US!

It’s Haruto’s story, but it’s not only Haruto’s story. This time there are five or six other people from the area claiming to have been possessed by the devil. Much to my relief, none of them besides Haruto are familiar to me. All of them are older than I am. Most claim to have been possessed for a time much longer than a single day.

I would think the reporter would have been more skeptical, but she buys the stories uncritically. She even links to other stories of demonic possession—death-row criminals who claimed they were under the influence of satanic forces, politicians and preachers who were caught in compromising positions and said that something very uncharacteristic had come over them. It all sounds very convenient.

I quickly run Haruto through a search engine and find more coverage. The story, it seems, is going wide.

In article after article, there is one person quoted. Essentially, he says the same thing every time:

“I have no doubt that these are cases of demonic possession,” says Rev. Anderson Poole, who has been counseling Watanabe. “These are textbook examples. The devil is nothing if not predictable.”

“These possessions should come as no surprise,” says Poole. “We as a society have been leaving the door wide open. Why wouldn’t the devil walk right in?”

People are believing this. The articles and posts in the comments sections are legion—all from people who see the devil’s work in everything.

Even though I should know better, I shoot off a quick email to Haruto.

I am not the devil.

I hit send, but I don’t feel any better.

I email Hanni, telling her how it went with Jiwon's father. I also let her know that I’m going to be in Annapolis for the day, and tell her what T-shirt I’m wearing and what I look like.

There’s a honk outside, and I see a car that must be Austin’s. I race through the kitchen and say a hurried goodbye to Hugo’s parents. Then I pile into the car—the boy in the passenger seat (William) moves into the back with the other boy (Nicolas) so I can sit next to my boyfriend. For his part, Austin takes one look at my outfit and tsk-tsks, “You’re wearing that to Pride?” But he’s joking. I think.

There is conversation around me the whole car ride, but I’m not really a part of it. My mind is completely elsewhere.

I shouldn’t have sent Haruto that email.

One simple line, but it admits too much.

From the moment we hit Annapolis, Austin is in his element.

“Isn’t this fun?” he keeps asking.

William, Nicolas, and I nod, agree. In truth, the Annapolis Pride events aren’t that elaborate—in many ways it feels like the navy has turned gay and lesbian for the day, and a ragtag assortment of people have come along to cheer it on. The weather is sunny and cool, and that seems to cheer everyone further. Austin likes to hold my hand and swing it like we’re walking down the yellow brick road. Ordinarily, I’d be charmed. He has every right to be proud, to enjoy this day. It’s not his fault I’m so distracted.

I’m looking for Hanni in the crowd. I can’t help it. Every now and then, Austin catches me.

“See someone you know?” he asks.

“No,” I say truthfully.

She’s not here. She hasn’t made it. And I feel foolish for expecting her to. She can’t just drop her life every time I’m available. Her day is no less important than mine.

We come to a corner where there are a few people protesting the festivities. I don’t understand this at all. It’s like protesting the fact that some people are red-haired.

In my experience, desire is desire, love is love. I have never fallen in love with a gender. I have fallen for individuals. I know this is hard for people to do, but I don’t understand why it’s so hard, when it’s so obvious.

One of the protestor’s signs catches my eye. HOMOSEXUALITY IS THE DEVIL’S WORK, it says. And once again I think about how people use the devil as an alias for the things they fear. The cause and effect is backward. The devil doesn’t make anyone do anything. People just do things and blame the devil after.

Predictably, Austin stops to kiss me in front of the protestors. I try to oblige. Philosophically, I am with him. But I’m not inside the kiss. I cannot manufacture the intensity.

He notices. He doesn’t say anything, but he notices.

I want to check my email on Hugo’s phone, but Austin isn’t letting me out of his sight. When William and Nicolas make a move to get some lunch, Austin says he and I are going to go our own way for a little while.

I assume we’re going to get lunch, too, but instead he pulls me into a hip clothing store and spends the next hour trying things on, with me giving my outside-the-changing-room opinion. At one point, he pulls me into the changing room to steal some kisses, and I oblige. But at the same time, I’m thinking that if we’re inside, there’s no way Hanni is going to find me.

While Austin debates whether the skinny jeans are skinny enough, I find myself wondering what Jiwon is doing at this moment. Is she unburdening herself, going along with it, or is she defiant, denying that she ever wanted help in the first place? I picture Beomgyu and Soobin in their rec room, playing video games, not having any sense that their week was disrupted. I think of Keeho later tonight, preparing his clothes for church tomorrow morning.

“What do you think?” Austin asks.

“They’re great,” I say.

“You didn’t even look.”

I can’t argue this. He’s right. I didn’t.

I look at him now. I need to pay more attention.

“I like them,” I tell him.

“Well, I don’t,” he says. Then he storms back into the changing room.

I haven’t been a good guest in Hugo’s life. I access his memories and discover that he and Austin first became boyfriends at this very celebration, a year ago this weekend. They’d been friends for a little while, but they’d never talked about how they felt. They were each afraid of ruining the friendship, and instead of making it better, their caution made everything awkward. So finally, as a pair of twentysomething men passed by holding hands, Austin said, “Hey, that could be us in ten years.”

And Hugo said, “Or ten months.”

And Austin said, “Or ten days.”

And Hugo said, “Or ten minutes.”

And Austin said, “Or ten seconds.”

Then they each counted to ten, and held hands for the rest of the day.

The start of it.

Hugo would have remembered this.

But I didn’t.

Austin senses something has changed. He comes back from the dressing room without any clothes in his arms, looks at me, and makes a decision.

“Let’s get out of here,” he says. “I don’t want to have this particular conversation in this particular store.”

He leads me down to the water, away from the celebration, away from the crowds. He finds a somewhat secluded bench and I follow him there. Once we sit down, it all comes out.

“You haven’t been with me once this whole day,” he says. “You aren’t listening to a word I say. You keep looking around for someone else. And kissing you is like kissing a block of wood. And today, of all days. I thought you said you were going to give it a chance. I thought you said you were snapping out of whatever it is that’s been afflicting you the past couple of weeks. I am sure I recall you saying there wasn’t anyone else. But maybe I’m mistaken. I was willing to bend over backward, Hugo. But I can’t bend over backward and walk around at the same time. I can’t bend over backward and have a conversation. I guess when it all comes down to it, I’m just not that damn flexible.”

“Austin, I’m sorry,” I say.

“Do you even love me?”

I have no idea if Hugo loves him or not. If I tried, I’m sure I could access moments when he loved him and moments when he didn’t. But I can’t answer the question and be sure I’m being truthful. I’m caught.

“My feelings haven’t changed,” I say. “I’m just a little off today. It has nothing to do with you.”

Austin laughs. “Our anniversary has nothing to do with me?”

“That’s not what I said. I mean my mood.”

Now Austin is shaking his head.

“I can’t do this, Hugo. You know I can’t do this.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” I ask, genuine fear in my voice. I can’t believe I’m doing this to both of them.

Austin hears the fear, looks at me and maybe sees something worth keeping.

“This isn’t the way I want today to go,” he says. “But I have to believe that it isn’t the way you want it to go, either.”

I can’t imagine that Hugo was planning to break up with Austin today. And if he was, he can always do it tomorrow.

“Come here,” I say. Austin moves in to me and I lean into his shoulder. We sit like that for a moment, looking at the ships on the bay. I take his hand. When I turn to look at him, he’s blinking back tears.

This time when I kiss him, I know there’s something in it. When he feels it, it may come across as love. It is my thanks to him for not ending it. It is my thanks to him for giving it at least one day more.

We stay out until late, and I am a good boyfriend the whole time. Eventually I lose myself a little in his life, dancing along with Austin, William, Nicolas, and a few hundred other gays and lesbians when the parade organizers blast the Village People’s “In the Navy.”

&n

bsp; I keep looking for Hanni, but only when Austin is distracted. And, at a certain point, I give up.

When I get home, there’s an email from her:

Yn,

Sorry I couldn’t make it to Annapolis—there were some things I had to do.

Maybe tomorrow?

H

I wonder what the “things I had to do” were. I have to assume they involve Minji, because otherwise, wouldn’t she have told me what they were?

I’m pondering this when Austin texts me to say he ended up having a great day. I text him back and say I had a great day, too. I can only hope that’s the way Hugo remembers it, because now Austin has proof if he denies it.

Hugo’s mother comes in and says something to me in Portuguese. I only get about half of it.

“I’m tired,” I tell her in English. “I think it’s time for bed.”

I don’t think I’ve addressed her questions, but she just shakes her head—I am a typical, unforthcoming teenager—and heads back to her room.

Before I go to sleep, I decide to see if Haruto has written me back.

He has.

Two words.

Prove it.

[melodyalanaroster]

Update for The Melancholy of Melody Alana Roster as of 11/30/24.

Holy crap... It's been nearly 9 months since I last posted a chapter. I am so sorry about that, guys. A lot has happened in the past few months. If you're in the Otome Haven Discord Server, I've been more in depth with it there. I won't go into full detail here... But here's a quick recap.

I bought a new car and dealt with it having a little bit of trouble. I'm currently paying my fiancé's grandmother back for my car. It's a 2014 Kia and it's nice. I've named it Binky after Death's horse from Discworld.

I bought and modified a Barbie Dreamhouse. I've wanted one since I was a kid and honestly it has been an absolute dream to have it. I've done everything from making custom curtains, to painting and adding fabric to the furniture, to spray painting several elements, to adding shelves to 2 rooms, to even custom building at least 2 pieces of furniture myself. At this point, the only things I haven't done are take the house itself apart and spray paint several of the core elements... I should have done that before I did anything else...

July was crazy. We had my birthday, my fiancé's birthday, our housewarming party and a bunch of other stuff.

I confronted my monster-in-law. My man's mother is a helicopter parent from Hell and doesn't treat her nearly 30-year-old son like the adult he is. It did not end well. Turns out that I am part of the long line of daughters-in-law who are hated by their in-laws and blamed for everything.

My fiancé's dog, Sly, passed away on what would have been my mom's 48th birthday... The dog was around 15 years old. He fought junkyard dogs, coyotes, and even killed a chicken hawk. That dog even walked off eating an entire bag of M&M's! He was a Chihuahua through and through.

We adopted a new kitten and took my fiancé's other dog back from his dad. I found the kitten at work while I was putting flowers out. She's black with orange eyes. Her name is Wednesday. As for the dog, his dad was not the best person to take care of her. The second we were able to force his dad to let us take her, we did. Chel (the dog) is a lot better now.

My job had been crazy. My old (shitty) manager left and now I have a new manager that is significantly better. But, with the holidays upon us, it's crazy.

I've been on a MASSIVE Devil May Cry kick since September. I'm sorry Nathaniel, I'm currently enamored with Nero. More specifically, Nero from DMC5. I love him in DMC4, but I love him more in 5. So, yeah... When I'm hyper fixated with a 1/4 demon boy, I can't think about my Nathaniel... Since then, I've amassed a small DMC collection (for Nero). 5 different acrylic stands, 2 keychains, 2 can badges, a fan and a copy of the Japanese book, DMC 5: Before the Nightmare.

Thanksgiving went better than expected. Both my family and my in-laws were on their best behavior. A win is a win.

My laptop has finally decided to die. This has been the biggest roadblock for my writing. Honestly, if it wasn't for this, I probably would have used Alana's story as a bit of escapism, just like I have all these years. I bought my laptop with my tax refund in 2017, and it's been messing up for a while. The last time I booted it up, it took 2 hours and 5 reboots just to get it to work properly. By the time I got it working, I no longer had the motivation to write or make edits.

It's because of this that I decided that my Christmas present for myself this year would be a proper gaming computer... And that was a whole Black Friday fiasco. It didn't help that I was one of the many Swifties that went out and stood in line at my local Target at 5 am. I got the book and the CD that Taylor Swift released. Then Best Buy sold me a brand-new gaming PC that was dead on arrival. So, I had to go do an exchange and I still ended up shelling out $108.25 more from my savings account. My Christmas present from my fiancé was my monitor for my computer. Bright side? My new desk set up looks amazing!

In all honesty, I don't know when I'll get back to writing. The holidays are always hectic for me. But now that I have my computer, and it only takes maybe a minute to boot up, I'll be trying to spend more time on it, editing, re-reading what I've already got in my drafts, and eventually writing. Trust me, when I start actively wedding planning next year, I will need the distraction...