#Doubts

[lavender--fairy]

In imagination, nothing is hard or easy, everything just is. And so, learn to just be without littering it with fear, doubt, worry, urgency, impatience and what not. Ponder upon it, when you imagine, isn't everything already so? And is it not already so, now? Isn't that what you are yearning for? So why do you reject it? Because its 'not real'? Because 'it's just imagination'? Because 'It's not clothed in the 3d form yet'? Neville says you must yield to it, no questions asked and he says If you judge after appearances, you will continue to be enslaved by them. All these doubts arise when you try to feel the wish fulfilled while still thinking in terms of the 3D, still not letting it go, still not letting it be. No, you must let go of it, fully. Its like you're hugging the 4D while your pinky is linked with the 3D behind your back. You must pick one. And it must be the inner world, if you truly wish to be fulfilled for it is the only place that truly fulfills you without conditions and qualifications. Remember, what you wish for is not too far fetched, not impossible, not improbable. In fact, what you seek for is seeking you. Imagination is all giving regardless of how big or small you think your desire is, regardless of how hard and easy you think it is because In imagination, nothing is hard or easy, everything just is.

[philosophybits]

A writer must never speak of his doubts regarding his creation. It would be too easy to answer him: “Who is forcing you to create? If it is such constant anguish, why do you endure it?” Doubts are the most intimate thing about us. Never speak of one’s doubts, whatever they may be.

Albert Camus, Notebooks, 1942-1951

[yeesiine]

The intimacy of being with someone who has no doubts about their feelings for you.

[blabbershere]

[momentsbeforemass]

Blind faith

I got the most backhanded “compliment” from someone the other day.

She told me that she grew up in a non-denominational church. One that’s on its way to becoming a mega-church.

She told me that she doesn’t go much anymore. If ever. She told me why.

After the death of her father, she started struggling with her faith. So she started asking questions. And was basically told to sit down and shut up.

The “compliment?” After finding out that I was a practicing Catholic and an ordained deacon, she said, “I wish I had your blind faith.”

The subtext being (from her experience of church), “you must be an unquestioning idiot to still buy into to all that stuff.”

It’s a toxic view to have about the Faith. One that far too many Christians (of all stripes, including Catholics) are guilty of fostering. One that’s simply not Christian.

But you can’t blame her for seeing things that way. That perspective was taught to her by the people who blew it when they responded to her.

Because asking questions should never get you shut down. Or worse.

Responses like that don’t serve God. Because they don’t come from God. Responses like that come from the Enemy.

God isn’t threatened by our questions. Or our doubts.

How do I know this? Try today’s Gospel, the Annunciation.

Where the angel tells Mary that she will conceive and give birth to a son. And Mary (like any sane person) asks “How’s that gonna work?”

The angel doesn’t shoot back with “How dare you!” Or “Shut up!” Or “Never mind, we’ll find someone who doesn’t ask questions.”

Instead, the messenger of God answers Mary’s question.

It’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to struggle with the Faith.

Some of the greatest moments of personal and spiritual growth only come through that struggle.

Remember, it’s Baptism. Not brainwashing.

God isn’t threatened by our questions. Or our doubts.

Today’s Readings

[theonevoice]

I don't know if this is working, I don't know...

Meh.

[marypaol]

So Close Yet So Far Away

Draco Malfoy x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Panic attacks, anxiety, self doubt, relationship doubt, negative thoughts, angst :(

Summary: Reader has a panic attack and Draco helps her.

Note: I’m so sorry I haven’t posted a story in a while, it was for some reason taking me forever to finish it even though I had it all planned out. Thanks for the patience. :) And no mention of Y/N if that’s okay! Have a wonderful day and enjoy! 😉

-Also I had to put this gif, he looks so sad! :(

___

She thought they were good. She thought he was good. She thought she was good…Wasn’t she?

That was the same set of questions or thoughts that ran through her mind each morning when his fingers no longer brushed her waist and at night when his cold back faced her.

Was it something she was doing? Something she said and it happened to give him the feeling of unsatisfactory?

She wished she could flick her wand and all could be fixed, but even magic like that couldn’t fix her mental problems. Some things couldn’t be fixed with magic, they had to be fixed with communication and understandings, heart to heart as they discussed their issues, hoping that later on they could at least hold onto their love for a little longer before it was gone.

It seemed these days she was the only one that held that hope, that on her part she was the one who wanted to discuss, not him. The real question was why and when. She just didn’t have the courage to bring it up, afraid to see the penitential snarl on his face or the disappointment towards her to rise in his chest.

She didn’t want that. She was sure no one wanted that. Heck, she bets he didn’t want that but it was something he couldn’t control. Something he had no other choice but to show.

Well, back to the present tense, she is back to the what seemed the cold sheets of lost hope and previous love and her eyes set on the ceiling; not planning on leaving the tiles any time soon.

She heard him breathing softly beside her, and when she was brave enough to glance she saw the slow rise of his shoulders as he slept; his back was still to her. She didn’t know if when she fell asleep somehow he knew and he secretly rolled over and embraced her, or he stayed in the same position the whole night, his body somehow afraid of grazing her skin in any way during his slumber.

It was most likely the second option, for she was sure that she would wake up from something so special beholding her (that something special being him.)

Simply his body facing her would wake her up. His touch upon her skin, for it always made her shiver in the best way. But of course she was imagining all that while she lay in bed with him next to her but far away, almost like he wanted nothing to do with her.

She couldn’t help it. The tears that arose in her eyes were against her will, but she knew the cause was her hurting heart inside her chest, beating the best it could through the pain. She couldn’t be more grateful for it, supplying blood for her body all whilst it stung with great pain.

Soon the tears that were just settled in her eyes were now taking home on her cheeks, flowing like mini rivers and her face was the deep green hills, the water swaying to and fro as the winds picked up.

Her brain started winding, sending thoughts that were so darkened and negative she could no longer breathe properly. Would he leave her? Sure the girl wasn’t as pretty as some other girls within the Magic world, specifically Hogwarts at the moment, but she was average; wasn’t that what she’s always been? Average?

Average isn’t good enough. Not for him. He deserved endless happiness compared to what he’s been through.

Was what she was giving him already, which was happiness and love, not enough for him? She thought so, but based on his current actions of ignoring her and acting like he’s reluctant to sleep beside her, was her displays of affection not satisfactory?

Were they satisfactory, yet not enough to fulfill his expectations?

Her brain was going so fast that it was then this she realized her heart was pounding, so much so the heard it in her ears.

She grew worried, since she wasn’t running or anything, for there was no reason her heart could be beating so quickly. Her lips parted, lungs suddenly starting to run out of air. Her breathing quickened, panicking even more when her heart didn’t stop and the ability to breathe was getting harder.

A wave of hot sweat ran over her like a chill, her legs breaking from the covers abruptly, chest clenching.

Her wobbly legs took her to the bathroom, hands almost slamming the door and fiddling with the lock until it clicked, hands still pressing pressure on it even though the knob already turned.

Her body ran out of strength and she let go quickly, leaning on the sink as she bent her head, squeezing her eyes shut so tightly she saw colors within her eyelids.

Her heavy breathing slowly changed to wheezing and tears, hiccups hurting her chest as her body fought for air for an unknown reason.

Her body flinched hardly when there was rough knocking on the door, the person wanting to come in.

“Loves, you okay?”

The voice. His voice.

It rumbled through the door, not just because he was in fact talking through a door, but also for the reason of his sleepy voice, still tired from his previous slumber.

She was silent besides her heavy breathing still being audible, but even that she was trying to keep quiet.

But of course she couldn’t do so, and since he got quiet as a response he knocked again and twisted the handle gently.

He knocked once again when he found out it was locked. “Loves, open.”

He said it so gently and soft, voice full of concern and love for her. She felt belonged, right then, felt loved and cared for. She walked over to the door hesitantly, hand reaching out and while doing so she saw it was shaking.

She fiddled with the handle with fear rising in her chest in anticipation.

Was he gonna leave her?

The door opened, messy blonde locks coming into view. Despite the softness of his voice earlier, her panic inside her chest caused her to doubt how he would react. She expected his eyes to be hard and full of irritation for I interrupting his sleep, but they were full of concern and worry within the orbs, silver surrounding her vision instead of tears.

He didn’t wait to have a staring contest with her before he closed the door, walking towards her and wrapping his splendor arms around her, stroking the ends of her hair and encouraging to to breath slower.

“I-I can’t.” She said. She spoke through breath after breath, no space between them.

She felt his head nod against her neck. “You can, loves.”

Tears kept streaming. Breathes kept coming out short. Hands kept stroking her cheeks to get rid of the coming tears once he lifted his head up from her neck area.

He sucked in a breath at seeing her in pain, fingers going to her hair and moving it away from her sweaty face.

He cupped her face in his hands, cradling it like the most delicate flower to ever exist. Because to him she was. And it was his job to water her and provide her light.

“Honey, just breathe! I’m here, aren’t I?”

She nodded in his hands, showing him how strong she was. And she’s been told she was by him; he tries to tell her every day.

He suddenly started breathing loud but steady, waving his hand gently to show her to copy him.

She did just that, and all doubts floated away, every questioning thought about their future fading away, replaced with nothing but sincere and genuine love.

Here then she embraced him once more, desperate to feel his warmth. Nose buried in his clothed chest, she mumbled, “Don’t ever leave me, please.”

He scoffed against her. “Leave you? Darling, my heart would rather die a thousand different ways than to leave you.”

-Sorry for any errors, I didn’t look it over! Thanks for reading and make sure to check out other stories:

👇

Masterlist

[l0verei]

anyone else ever feel like this??

I know I’ve been posting a lot lately but the doubts of this au not working are flooding in a lot ever since I started drawing again, like “what if the story isn’t unique or good enough” “what if the au doesn’t get the attention or recognition” “am I good artist/writer” so- just been kinda hard as it is to get anything done considering that it takes me LITERAL HOURS to create one art piece, bit by bit I’ve been stopping on drawing but I’m trying not to-

I mainly believe it’s because I have a very small community and I compare myself to others a lot, like animators or people who have created AUs and have gotten popularity so fast which weighs it down, I’ll work on it of course when I have the chance but I’m starting to think it takes time to form your own community on aus so- just trying to boost my mood right now

[doodle below in case no one sees it]

Just adding a small doodle of my au with Shadowpeach at the bottom to make this sound less saddening

[kathlare]

the weight of uncertainty

Lando Norris x Amelie Dayman

Summary: Amelie finds herself grappling with anxiety and uncertainty during a Thanksgiving dinner in São Paulo with her team. Despite being surrounded by laughter and festivities, she's weighed down by doubts about her relationship with Lando and her fears of repeating past mistakes.

Wordcount: 1.5 k

Warnings: fluff, smau

request over here!

November 23rd, 2023 - São Paulo, Brazil

Amelie sat at the head of the long table in the rented villa in São Paulo, her leg bouncing nervously under the table as she tried to concentrate on the conversation around her. The soft hum of chatter filled the air, and she could hear the familiar sound of her team laughing, the warm aroma of Thanksgiving dinner making her feel both at home and out of place.

Elysia, sitting beside her, looked radiant, all smiles as she exchanged stories with some of the team members. Amelie was happy for her sister but found herself oddly distant, her thoughts clouded. She had been working relentlessly between shows and recording sessions, and while Thanksgiving wasn’t really a thing in Brazil, her team had made the best of it. A festive dinner, music, and laughter—an unexpected break before the madness of the Eras Tour picked up again.

Her gaze drifted over to Alex Wolff, who sat across the table with his guitar case by his side, always the quirky artist. Alex had been Amelie’s best friend for years, ever since the first days in the industry, and had been the person to help her pick up the pieces when things went wrong. But tonight, it wasn’t his usual goofy smile or bright-eyed energy that Amelie was focusing on. It was that nagging feeling in her chest—the anxiety that had been building up for weeks.

Was this all too much? she wondered, her thoughts turning inward as she picked at her food.

Amelie forced a smile as she absentmindedly pushed her mashed potatoes around the plate. Everyone seemed so carefree, and here she was, barely able to keep her thoughts in check. She caught Alex's eye across the table, and he raised an eyebrow, sensing something was off. He was the one who always understood her better than anyone, and tonight, it seemed like the weight of her inner turmoil was getting too heavy to ignore.

She excused herself from the table under the pretense of needing some air, and Alex immediately followed her. He knew something was up.

The moment they stepped out onto the balcony of the villa, the cool night air hit Amelie’s face, and she closed her eyes for a moment, trying to collect herself.

Alex leaned against the railing, glancing over at her. —What's going on, Ames?— he asked softly, using the nickname he always called her when he knew something was wrong.

Amelie sighed, pressing her hands to her face, feeling the tension in her body. She had tried to push it down, tried to focus on the music and her work, but it kept creeping up on her. The overwhelming sense of doubt. The anxiety that started to settle in her chest when she thought about Lando.

—I don’t know if I can keep doing this with Lando,— she muttered, her voice almost inaudible as she looked down at the ground. —I mean, I really like him, but I can’t... I can’t keep pretending like everything’s fine when it feels like we’re just... playing around.—

Alex didn’t need to ask for more details; he already knew. He’d seen it all—the highs and lows, the fleeting moments of happiness that came with being in something so messy. He also knew how much Amelie had been hurt before, especially with everything that had gone down with Lando last time.

—Do you really want to end it?— Alex asked, his voice a mix of concern and understanding. —You don’t seem sure.—

She shook her head, her hands clasped tightly together. —I don’t know. It’s just that, every time I start to think about us, I feel this weird anxiety. Like we’re rushing into something again, and I don’t even know if I can handle it.— She paused, a bitter laugh escaping her lips. —I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Alex. I mean, we’re not even together, technically. Not really. No one knows about us except you and Max, and honestly, even that’s been so weird. Why did I let it get this far?—

Alex took a deep breath and slowly walked over to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. —Ames, you're just scared,— he said softly. —You’ve been through a lot, and with Lando, it's complicated, right? The history, the past... But you’ve also got this thing with him that’s real. It's more than just casual, even if it doesn’t look that way. And you're not stupid. You wouldn't go down that road if you didn't care. But—

—I just keep thinking about what happened last time,— Amelie interrupted, her voice breaking slightly. —When he started talking to that girl, Luisinha. I know I wasn’t paying attention to him, but he should’ve understood. Instead, he went and chose someone else. And I let him do that. I just kept pretending like it didn’t matter... but it did.—

Alex let her speak, knowing that she needed to voice everything she’d been holding in. He gave her a moment, watching the emotions swirl in her eyes. —What are you really scared of?— he asked gently. —Is it about him, or is it about you?—

—I don’t know,— she whispered, a tear slipping down her cheek. —I just feel like I’m setting myself up for disappointment. I know he wants this, but... I don’t know if I can trust that he’ll stay this time. I’m just scared of getting hurt again.—

Alex’s expression softened as he reached out to wipe away her tear. —You’ve been hurt before. But you're not the same person anymore, Ames. You’re stronger. And if Lando can’t see that, if he doesn’t value what you have, then maybe it’s better to walk away before you get too deep.— He paused, offering a small smile. —I’m not saying it’s easy, but sometimes ending it before it gets worse is the best way to protect yourself.—

Amelie’s chest tightened. She knew he was right. She knew what she needed to do, but it still felt impossible.

—I keep telling myself that this time will be different, but... What if it’s not? What if I’m just setting myself up for more pain?—

Alex looked at her, his gaze intense but filled with care. —That’s the risk, Ames. You have to decide if it’s worth it. But don’t do it out of fear. If you’re going to walk away, it has to be because you’re choosing yourself, not because you’re afraid of getting hurt.—

Amelie nodded, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. —I just feel so... confused. One minute I think I can handle it, and the next I feel like I’m drowning in it.—

—You’re not drowning,— Alex said, giving her a soft chuckle. —You’re just figuring it out. And if you need to walk away, I’ll be right here, okay?—

She smiled faintly, appreciating his support. —Thanks, Alex. I just don’t want to mess things up again.—

—You won’t. You’re not messing anything up by choosing what’s best for you.— He squeezed her shoulder before pulling her into a brief hug. —You know I’ve got your back, always.—

As they stood there together, the noise from inside the villa seemed to fade into the background. Amelie’s mind was still racing, but something about talking to Alex made her feel a little lighter. He was right, in a way. She needed to focus on what she wanted, what she needed, before she made any decision about Lando.

And for the first time in a long time, she wasn’t sure what that answer was.

But at least, for now, she knew she didn’t have to figure it out alone.

--------------

liked by amelienation, daymanqueen01, and others

amelieupdates: Amelie spotted leaving a beautiful villa in São Paulo with her team and bestie Alex after what everyone’s guessing was a cozy Thanksgiving dinner 🍂🦃✨

View all 732 comments

lovelyamelie23: She’s so cute but lowkey looks a little sad 😕 maybe she’s missing someone? 👀

ameliefan_98: Did anyone else notice Amelie looked a little off in that pic? 🫣 Hope she's doing okay! 💔 → londofan_22: @ameliefan_98 Maybe she’s just tired from all the rehearsals? Girl’s been slaying on that stage! 💅

swiftie_4life: Amelie in São Paulo and Alex by her side! Always good vibes, love their friendship 💕 → alexandamelie_17: @swiftie_4life They’re literally goals, like they’re ALWAYS together! 🥰

landoloveforever: If anyone deserves a break, it’s Amelie! She's been putting on the most insane performances! 🔥🎤 → ameliefan_98: @landoloveforever Yesss!! Her energy is unmatched!! Just hope she’s taking care of herself! 🌸 → landoloveforever: @ameliefan_98 I think she’s just fine, but she always looks so calm and collected, even if she’s not feeling 100%. She’s a queen 👑

fanfrombrazil: Loving the Eras tour performances, Amelie is SLAYING it!! 💃✨ → swiftie_4life: @fanfrombrazil YESSS, we’re so proud of her!! She’s making Brazil shine even more 🔥💖

f1fanatic_22: Amelie’s still serving looks even when she’s just chilling with her team! Can’t wait to see her performance this weekend 👀✨

[sonicjustbecause]

Is only me who doesn't trust movie Shadow?

My trust fell down when I aknowledge Iizuka was involved. And in first place I don't trust Iizuka. I don't say everything he did was bad, but he got lost of... questionable ideas.

His particular interpretation of Shadow appeals kids age 8 to 15.

Maekawa's Shadow is mostly a psychological character who works with his brain and keeps the cool tecniques as the last resort.

I've read comment of few people who grew with Iizuka's Shadow, are now teen and had the chance to play Sonic Adventure 2/Sonic Heroes/Sonic 06. They are all surprised to see an extremely calm and collected Shadow who thinks before taking actions, so he can do everything in the right way, withouch much hassle (See how he wins in SA2). I knew him this way through SA2 and I missed lots of what came in the '10s (lost interests due to bad games of that period). So to me Shadow was still the calm guy that never act reckless. I discovered the edgelord through IDW comics.

In the 10's Iizuka put Shadow on a leash. Sega gave mandates for all characters, however they have a room of freedom. But Shadow is so chained he lost every spontaneity and to me, he feels more like a walking archetype that makes kids scream:"Woooh, so cool! look how he takes that gun in his hand!" rather than a living character.

Here the archetype. I followed those archetypes for a while but when I grew, I got bored. There might be a story behind those characers. But the showy cool factor is dominant. This also the reason my favourite marvel hero is Spiderman. He is not so cool.

For Iizuka's Shadow, the only difference of those above is that the character is only one meter tall and has a face like this:

I know Shadow is a hedgehog but his head/face structure seems the one of a cat of the likes of American Shorthair/British Shorthair and Scottish Fold.

And in the movie preview I saw Shadow being all cool and edgy, doing common stuff in the cool way. Like they want to show and make people aknowledge that Shadow is cool, that he can wield weapons and that anything he does, he will do in the coolest and most spectacular way. People will notice this.

Maekawa's Shadow was so cool in his look and so discrete in his behaviour that you rather would ask: "What's going on with this guy? Why does he always stand back? Why does he talk so quietly?" and also about memories about Maria: "Why this cute, innocent looking girl wants destruction? No, something is not right in his memories!". He had a natural coolness, he aknowledged this (and he seemed quite happy about that trait) and yet never actually tried to look cool, and most of his communication was through body language and silences in given contexts, sharing his feelings with you. He was alive. But he was subtle and full of surprises, people today wants straightforward things. Iizuka's Shadow is straightforward and doesn't have much dimension.

I'll go to see the Movie. Sonic seems to be as funny as usual, and the other characters are also promising. I don't think the plot will be disappointing. But I don't except much surprises from Shadow. I'll end to hope for his defeat/demise.

Who needs brain when you can hande a blackhole?

On personal life, still as Sonic fan.

My 9 years old nephew is going to see the movie too. He knows Iizuka's Shadow, so I shortly explained him that Shadow used to not be like that. I told him shortly: 'Shadow was smart and clever, not a 'man' of action who used bikes to look cool but one who used his brain to achieve his goals'.

[latulla80]

Hello fellow fanfic writers, I have a problem that's been bothering me. I'm working on a long slow-burn enemies-to-lovers Lestappen fic.

So far, I've been faithful to the real race results, including Las Vegas. But I already have an ending in mind that definitely won’t align with the outcomes of the last two races. And Losail is just two days away.

What should I do? Should I wait for the results of the final races and adjust my ending to stay true to reality (and maybe use my original ending for another fic), or should I stick to my current idea and move forward?

[honeytonedhottie]

hey honey!! first I just wanna say I love your blog so much and it helped me change my life positively. I adore your ability to share useful information with your audience and help others. I wanted to ask your advice on how to handle negative wavering thoughts I have when manifesting like “if x happens, that means x” or “if I see the number x, then that’s means x isn’t going to work”. I’ve been trying really hard to ignore these thoughts, but they are extremely exhausting to hear all the time and I eventually cave and entertain them. what should I do? I have built confidence in myself and in my ability to attract what I desire, but these thoughts are a huge obstacle for me as silly as they may seem. thanks so much honey, keep on shining x

heyy anonie tysm that means a lot 🫶🏽💗 so first and foremost i want you to think of it like ur in a store (bear w me) so ur shopping and the items in the store are your THOUGHTS. u see an item (wavering) but u dont HAVE to put the item in ur cart (entertain it).

thats how wavering/doubts are. u dont have to accept them or even put any importance on them at all. regardless of whatever doubts that u have the law continues to work and what u continue to think creates ur reality. so with that being said when u have a negative thought/doubt just let it pass. it doesnt mean anything!

allow those thoughts to pass, be like "oh that was a random fucking thought lol, but ik thats not true cuz i already have (manifestation) etc" whatever works for you. i also recommend regulating ur nervous system, taking deep breaths and reassuring urself. just let them pass, they dont matter. u already have what u want.

[wiirocku]

Psalm 94:19 (NLT) - When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

[tenaciouspoetworks]

Do I need to work this hard to impress you??

[nobeerreviews]

The answers we seek aren't always the answers we want, are they? But knowing the truth is what helps us sleep at night.

-- Karen White

(Benalmadena, Spain)

[booboodaddysblog]

I want to touch you again…

Part one

Warnings: kissing, talking, doubts, a bit sad and emotional

Words: 3312

It was after 1 pm when Marg waited for Colin at the exit door of the police station. Annoyed, she glanced at her watch. He was late, and she disliked it very much. She went to his office. She wanted to enter without knocking, but saw that the door to his office was open.

- Where can he be? - thought Marg.

She noticed that the door to the men's bathroom was also open. She went there to see if Colin was there. She entered and saw Colin washing his face with cool water. She quickly approached him concerned.

- Oh, Colin, is something wrong? You are pale.

Colin looked quite tired, especially his eyes looked extremely dark, which was probably not a good sign. He knew it was hard to hide anything from Marg.

- Eh... I... I don't know... - he answered quietly.

- Is everything okay? Colin? - she touched his forehead and cheeks to check for a fever - you don't have a fever. What's going on? Be honest with me.

He was slightly surprised by her behavior. The way she touched him and looked at him with tenderness made him feel even worse now than before.

- I am...

He found it difficult to formulate the words he really wanted to use to describe everything. He didn't want to lie to her. He wanted to be more open.

- Please tell me what is going on? If you care about me coming back to you, you have to talk to me. You can't be so closed off - she looked into his eyes.

She was right. She was here with him and she knew something was wrong. If he wanted things to be the same again he had to start talking to her.

- I... - he fell silent for a moment looking into her eyes, but suddenly looked away - I... I just feel pretty depressed right now - he sighed.

- I understand. It's not surprising, more than a month ago we separated - she touched his arm - we need to work on each other, on our relationship. I care about you, Colin.

- I know... I know we have to do it... I... I'm just not sure how to start...

- Why don't we just go to that lunch? I'm hungry, and I'm not the only one - she laughed and stroked her belly.

She grabbed his hand and led him to the exit of the police station.

It was a nice feeling to feel the warmth of her hand again. She squeezed his hand tightly as if she was afraid he would escape her. He followed her slightly smiling. He didn't try to protest, he just let her take him where she wanted him to go.

They left the police station and went to a restaurant across the street. They went inside and sat down at a table. A waitress immediately approached them and handed them menu.

- What would you like to eat, Colin? - Marg looked at him from over the menu.

He stared at the menu for a moment then looked at her and smiled slightly.

- I'll let you decide.

She sighed.

- Well, okay, how about something light then? Chicken salad? - she looked at him questioningly.

- That... that sounds like a good idea - he said with a slight nod.

He was grateful that she had chosen something light for him to eat, since his stomach was not in a good state right now to eat something too heavy.

- Fine, and water to drink - she waved to the waitress to come over. She ordered their food and looked at Colin again - So? How are you doing after our breakup? Skipping the alcohol.

She noticed that Colin flinched.

- I... still feel really awful...

He was frankly, he felt like being brutally honest when it came to this topic. He had to talk about it before it consumed him further. He had to get it out of his chest.

She looked at him sadly.

- Colin, I want you to know that I still love you. It's not so easy to stop loving someone, you know? - she smiled at him - I really understand you, that you feel awful. Believe me, I do too...

The waitress brought them water. Marg immediately took a sip.

He started drinking his glass of water after she did as well. He felt a little uncomfortable now, as he realized she was starting to talk about it a little more openly. He felt he should do the same.

- I know... I know all this. I just... - he paused for a moment, as if he wasn't quite sure what he wanted to say - I just really regret everything I said... all those things I told you... I really regret it...

- It's true, your words were really hurtful. From now on I want you to be honest with me and tell me everything that bothers you. I am here to talk to you and help you whenever you need it. Don't close your thoughts to me, please.

- I will... I promise... I know I said a lot of things I shouldn't have. I just felt so anxious and stressed and scared… didn't know what to do with myself, so I just threw out everything I was thinking. It was the stupidest thing I could have ever done.

- I understand. I'm glad you're opening up to me. I hope it won't change.

- No, it's not going to change. I really want to fix this. I know I'm not the best at talking about how I feel, but I'm going to do everything I can to try to fix myself - he sighed loudly - but at this point I know I wouldn't be the best husband or partner right now...

- I'm really not forcing you with this marriage. It's not on fire anywhere. We can stay engaged and get married when you are ready for it. Even in a few years, or even not at all, we don't have to get married. It's important for us to be together and raise our child in happiness.

The waitress brought their salads.

- Oh, but I'm so hungry!

Marg grabbed a fork and shoved a large piece of chicken into her mouth.

Colin mused for a moment. If he had to spend a few more years to fix all his problems before marrying her, he absolutely would.

He looked at Marg again. He watched with a smile as she absorbed the food. She must have been really hungry.

- It seems really delicious - he laughed quietly.

- It is, oh my gosh, it's so good! - she said with her mouth full and smiled at him.

- Yes, I agree - he decided, also shoving a piece of chicken into his mouth. It was really nice to see her enjoying her food like this.

She patted her belly.

- I hope our baby likes it too - she laughed and continued eating.

- Could I also do it?

Marg looked at him and nodded.

He stroked her belly and smiled gently, looking into her eyes. He was happy to see her laugh. He missed it.

Marg smiled when Colin touched her belly. She touched his hand that rested on her belly. The moment touched her. She leaned over and lightly kissed him on the cheek.

- I love you, remember that - she whispered and went back to eating.

The few simple words she just spoke made all the negative emotions he felt inside disappear in an instant. He also smiled and looked down at his plate before he started eating again.

- Tell me what are you thinking about? - she said with her mouth full.

At first, he was a bit surprised that she asked such a simple and uncomplicated, yet so important question at the moment. It forced him to think for a moment before responding, as he took a moment to chew first.

- Just... I think about how nice it is to have someone like you - he said, still continuing to eat, but stopped now to look at her and smile.

- Oh you’re so sweet - she smiled at him too.

- No, not really... - he said humbly, it was hard for him to take kind words, but she really was kind to him - I'm just happy to have someone who cares about me so much. Even if... even if I recently acted like an absolute idiot.

He felt he had to be honest with her, he had to let her know how ashamed he was of his past actions.

- I would like to trust you again. Please try to make it so - she grabbed his hand and squeezed it lightly.

- I... I want that too. I feel that I have been such a terrible partner to you - he said, squeezing her hand for a moment.

His behavior has been unacceptable over the past days and even weeks.... months... He had to fix it, and he was going to start now.

- Well, let's eat and get back to work. I've been away from work for over a month. I have a lot of catching up to do. I think you too - she smiled and kissed him on the cheek again.

- It's true, I have a lot of work.

He simply had so many things on his mind that work was not at the top of his list most of the time. But she was right, it was time to pull himself together.

- How has Mare been treating you lately? I heard she's really mean to everyone. Is that true? - she changed the subject and shoved a piece of lettuce into her mouth.

- Yeah, that's actually true... I just don't understand this sudden change in her behavior - he said, shaking his head from side to side, recalling the last conversation with his colleague, which was not a pleasant one.

- Or maybe she has worse days or some problems at home? And that's why she's like this? - Marg shrugged her shoulders.

- Maybe... - also shrugged his shoulders.

- Okay I finished the salad. Do we feel like having some more dessert? I feel like something sweet - she laughed - ah these pregnancy cravings - she reached for the menu and looked at the desserts.

He smiled at her enthusiasm for dessert, it was quite cute to see her like this.

- I agree. I need some sugar right now.

- Oh my goodness, look, they have a brownie warm with vanilla ice cream! I want one! - she showed him an item on the menu. Her eyes sparkled at the thought of this dessert.

- Oh, that sounds quite delicious - he said, looking at the dessert with quite a bit of enthusiasm. He had always been a fan of sweets, and this sounded like a really good option. He immediately smiled at her because she looked so beautiful when she was smiling, and he wanted to make sure she got what she wanted and needed - sure, let's do it!

- Ah can't wait for that taste on my tongue! - she waved at the waitress, to beckon her to their table and order dessert.

- I also can't wait to try it too - he said, smiling at her and taking her hand as they waited for the waitress to arrive with their dessert.

Marg looked at their joined hands. She leaned over and without hesitation kissed Colin on the lips. It was a long kiss. They could feel the longing in it.

He felt quite surprised by this sudden kiss, but didn't think too long about it and allowed himself to return the kiss. He kissed her as long as she wanted, and didn't really think about anything else at the moment. It was just the two of them and it was so nice.

They didn't break their kiss until they heard the grunt of the waitress standing at their table. They quickly pulled away from each other and broke the kiss when they realized that the dessert they had ordered was already on their table.

Colin had to catch his breath because he was so lost in the heat of the moment. The presence of the waitress brought him back to reality. Although he did not complain about what had just happened. He himself didn't know what he wanted right now. On the one hand, he wanted to kiss Marg, and on the other, he craved this dessert.

- You taste really sweet, dear - said Marg as soon as the waitress left their table. She licked her lips - okay then, now it's time for that brownie - she laughed and stuck her fork into the cake.

These words made him blush. He was glad that she was now focused on eating the cake and did not see his blushes.

- Yes, let's eat - he said slightly embarrassed.

- I missed your lips - she winked at him and put another piece of cake in her mouth.

The blush on his face began to grow, now she had to notice that he was blushing.

- Uhm... I better not say what that comment made me think...

It's not that he didn't want to say some other things himself. But at the moment he felt he couldn't.

- Oh yes I know, we are in a public place, a restaurant. It's not appropriate to talk about obscene topics - she laughed and showed him her tongue.

- Yes... definitely not a good place for this kind of conversation... so I guess I'll just keep quiet - he said, laughing slightly nervously, unsure if he should bring up these topics just yet.

He felt he needed to get it off his chest. This could get them kicked out. So he'll just have to be careful, that's the only solution. So he decided to take another bite of dessert while he spoke.

- But there is something else I would like to talk about...

- Oh really? What is that? - Marg looked at him curiously.

- Well... I think... - he took another bite of dessert before speaking again. He didn't want to rush things. He felt that he wanted to choose his words carefully now - Well, you know... I know that sometimes I have not been the nicest partner for you in recent times... in fact... - he paused for a moment, unsure how to say the last part.

- Keep talking. I want you to be open and honest - Marg took another bite of cake into her mouth.

- Well, sometimes I think... I've been jealous of you lately - he said with some difficulty.

He wasn't sure how she would react, but he knew it was something he needed to tell her so she could understand him a little better. He really hoped she wouldn't react in a negative way, though. He felt that he was already entering dangerously sensitive territory, so he was as cautious as possible.

- Oh? Jealous? Why? - she raised her eyebrows in surprise - you really have no reason to be jealous of me. You know very well that I am a person who can be trusted.

- I... - he felt uncomfortable talking about it - I really don't know... I just felt jealousy lately... like I have no control over anything... - he sighed - lack of control is not the right word... - he mumbled, feeling really embarrassed about it.

- Honey, I know we've had some worse days lately, but that's no reason for you to be jealous of me.

- I know... I should be more understanding in your current state. But I can't help myself... just... don't laugh at me, but... I was and still am jealous...

He seemed to apologize for the way he reacted and behaved now. He would like to be normal and stop worrying about so many things. He would have liked to let her live without any interference from him. But it was difficult for him to do so. She certainly understood what he meant now. He was just a bit apodictic.

- Do you mean that I was too close with my girlfriends? You yourself participated in a threesome with Roby and me. Then with Nour and me. You really didn't complain. You were even delighted. Don't pretend to be innocent now. But given my current state, because I've been pregnant for more than a month now, I really don't even think about such games - she took a big piece of cake into her mouth and sighed loudly.

- I know, I know I was also involved in... all this... but I just feel that my emotions have been out of control lately. I just feel that maybe... It was a bit too much for me... - he sighed deeply - I was and am just a little confused about what my feelings are now... just... it's so complicated... and seeing you and girls together disgust me a bit, I mean I was involved too... but it is still quite strange... which is not to say that I didn't like it...

- But now you are feigning innocence. You're so cute. I hope you remember that after the threesome with Nour and me, you asked me to be your girlfriend - she laughed.

- I remember, yes... and I don't regret it in the slightest... - he said, feeling a little more relieved now, hearing her laughter instead of anger - I don't pretend to be innocent... it's just... I feel that I wish I could talk to you sometimes... just to talk about how I feel and what seems strange and bizarre to me... Marg, do you understand?

- Colin, of course I understand. And I'm very happy that you finally want to talk to me about your feelings and what ails you. It's very important in a relationship - she kissed him on the cheek.

- Yes... - Colin felt more and more like he had gotten out of the dangerous situation he was in before. But he was going to just enjoy this moment and try to take more steps forward to better understand everything - I'll try to do this more often... it's just... sometimes difficult. But I'll do my best.

- I'm very pleased with what you say - she got up from the table - let's go pay for our food and dessert and get back to work.

- Yeah, sounds good... - he said, still taking small bites of his dessert. He, too, stood up and was quite pleased with how they had managed to get the conversation back on track and hoped that everything would remain normal for the rest of the afternoon. And that it would get even better. But for now, they were just going to pay the bills and get back to work.

Marg looked at Colin with a smile as he paid their food bill. He was relaxed now and seemed as if he had completely sobered up. The alcohol really wasn't doing him any good. Marg decided that she would try to help him with his addiction. He couldn't drink alcohol whenever something bad happened, whenever he couldn't cope with his emotions and his mistakes. This was not good for him. They were about to become parents. It was important for their relationship to be devoid of understatement and bad behavior. They had to give the child good role models.

———

@robnovetre

Part two