#Domestic violence tw

[wiisagi-maiingan]

When it comes to helping loved ones in abusive relationships, saying anything like "you should've seen this coming", "I told you so", "I know better than you", or "you're too young to make these decisions" (especially at someone with a significantly older parter) NEVER HELPS.

Making an abuse victim feel guilty, shamed, embarrassed, judged, or otherwise attacked pushes them away from supportive loved ones and deeper into the abusive relationship. It also gives the abuser the opportunity to frame you and the victim's other friends and family as enemies who are just trying to attack their relationship and take away their happiness, further isolating them from anyone who could help.

Your loved one does not need your unsolicited commentary on how stupid or foolish you think they are for being abused. They need you to be kind and supportive, a safe haven they can turn to without fear of being judged or hurt, and someone they can trust to really help them when they decide to leave. Don't become just another person who hurts them.

[newsfromstolenland]

In one private chat group conversation, a Mountie was accused of saying a new female employee "was overweight and insinuating that the shape of her vagina was visible through her clothing."

In another, a second RCMP officer allegedly bragged about "Tasering unarmed Black people" and called a sexual assault investigation "stupid" — drawing comments from other members of the online group who "made fun of the victim" and said, "she's a dumb Mexican c--t."

An investigator with the RCMP's professional standards unit detailed those allegations and many more in a search warrant sworn to obtain evidence now being used to call for the firing of three Coquitlam Mounties for violating the force's code of conduct.

The CBC has obtained a copy of the search warrant — which recounts behaviour which led the officer who sparked the investigation to complain to RCMP brass about what he saw as "atrocious" and "racist and horrible" activity in a private group operating on the Signal messaging app.

Full article

Tagging: @allthecanadianpolitics

More from this article below the cut, because I think it's important to understand just how much fucked up shit they were saying:

(tw misogyny, domestic violence, racial profiling, anti-Indigenous racism, racism)

The documents reveal that investigators also reviewed 600,000 messages posted to the RCMP's internal mobile data chat logs — finding evidence of "frequently offensive" usage by the three officers facing termination of "homophobic and racist slurs."

"The reviewers had identified a variety of comments that were 'chauvinist in nature, with a strong air of superiority, and include flippant or insulting remarks about clients (including objectifying women), supervisors, colleagues, policy and the RCMP as a whole,'" the warrant says.

Code of conduct hearings against Const. Philip Dick, Const. Ian Solven and Const. Mersad Mesbah had been slated to begin in Surrey this week but have been adjourned until March of next year. All three officers have been suspended since June 2021.

Although Dick, Solven and Mesbah appear to be the only Mounties currently facing code-of-conduct hearings, the court documents say seven other officers were also part of the private chat group — including two supervisors.

Among the details contained in the search warrant are allegations one of the officers facing discipline joked about a domestic violence victim, calling the victim "a dumb f--king bitch, should've worn a mouth guard."

The whistleblower — Const. Sam Sodhi — claimed that outside of the private chat group, members of the group also "belittled Indigenous people, talking about how they were 'stupid' or 'drunk' and saying they have 'unfortunate bodies' and all have fetal alcohol syndrome."

"They would say, 'We're not going to the reserve,'" the search warrant claims Sodhi told investigators.

"We're not going there because we're not going to help those people."

According to the court documents, Sodhi was posted to Coquitlam in 2019.

"As part of that process, he wrote a letter about wanting to work in an urban centre and help at-risk youth that didn't have role models," the warrant claims.

But Sodhi claimed that on his second day at work, Dick — his trainer — asked him: "Are you a cool brown guy, or are you a Surrey brown guy? Because in that letter, you're whiny, like, 'Ooh, I want to help brown people.'"

Sodhi claimed there were two chat groups for members of the Coquitlam detachment assigned to Port Coquitlam — one for all members of the watch and a second private group that began on WhatsApp but then moved to Signal. He said he was told once he was "worthy" of the private chat group, "we'll add you to it."

The officer claimed he was admitted to the private chat group in March 2021 but left after a few days because of the "constant negativity." He said he was then accused of "not being a team member" and encouraged to return.

According to the search warrant, Sodhi complained to his superiors in May 2021, and a chief superintendent mandated an investigation into five Mounties — including a corporal who was accused of failing to take measures to prevent misconduct.

The probe initially focused on text communications between the RCMP's own laptops — known as Mobile Data Terminals. Investigators reviewed messages between the five men from January 2019 until May 2021.

"When members of the [Signal] chat group realized there was an investigation, they opined that the investigation was probably about 'MDT chats' ... since the private chat group was kept 'amongst the trusted' and 'there's no way this got out,'" the warrant says.

Examples cited from the RCMP computers include statements like, "Why do brown guys have unusually high pitched voices." "As an idiot woman would say ... 'toxic,'" and, "I just racially profile pulled over a car."

A review of the chat logs also allegedly found the three officers facing termination "appeared to use 'goldfish' as a slur for Asian people."

"For example, they talked about how 'goldfish' have 'bulging eyes' that 'can't see anything,' how a Korean church in the detachment was a 'goldfish church' and how 'goldfish' were bad drivers (a common Asian stereotype)," the warrant says.

[star-anise]

Ask I got on my sideblog but am answering here:

Hi there! I know you're a therapist and I have a question: I saw some people arguing on Twitter about the impacts of trauma. There was a therapist among them, and they had a masters degree in social work, they post about it often. They say that people who have experienced trauma hurt other people because it benefits them or gives them pleasure, and they are disconnected from empathy and sympathy. That seems wrong, but maybe it's not? That's all, thanks!

Ooof, yeah, that's... complicated. It's technically true, but also frequently used as a lie.

Trigger warning: Child abuse, child grooming, interpersonal violence, trauma (childhood & intergenerational), true crime, totalitarianism

Because basically, that describes MOST humans who decide to hurt other humans on purpose without a strong ulterior motive. That's not a trauma thing, that's a human thing.

I babysit for a family with a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old. When the 1yo does something to upset their older sibling, and that sibling winds up and smacks them, that's the same basic thing. It benefits them (makes 1yo go away), brings them pleasure (having an outlet for their anger is very satisfying), and they're disconnected from empathy (they're often surprised and confused when the 1yo is crying, because they're 3 and THEY feel fine and they don't really understand yet that other people's feelings really exist) or even sympathy (understanding that if you hit someone, they will probably be upset). That's something we adults have to watch out for and intervene in, because empathy and impulse control take time to learn.

But as for where trauma figures into this... how to explain.

There's this old logical puzzle about categories, where you say things like:

All dogs have four legs*

A dog is an animal

And then the catch is that you can't extend that to say

All animals have four legs

*RIP to all the tripods and legless animals that apparently aren't dogs anymore for the purposes of this logic exercise

Animals obviously include fish and millipedes and whales and snakes and jellyfish. The number of legs an animal can have is HIGHLY diverse, and will eventually lead to a debate on what the definition of "leg" is.

So there is this common thing we see:

Some people are much more violent and aggressive than other people

These violent and aggressive people have almost always experienced some form of trauma/abuse/neglect

And the link people are really prone to thinking is:

People who have experienced trauma/abuse/neglect will go on to being violent and aggressive with other people.

This is incorrect. To some degree, I can see why it's widely believed - after all, way more people tune in to learn about a serial killer's abusive childhood than for the more common story, which is survivors of trauma slowly going about their lives in ordinary undramatic ways.

Because the thing is, trauma is REALLY diverse. Humans are inherently varied and a bit chaotic, since we can choose very different ways to live and operate, and trauma splits that variability like a prism turning light into a rainbow. Only about 30% of abused children grow up to be abusive themselves. The other 70% choose very different lives.

And yet. My eternal question is: WHY is this such a meme? Why do so many people with a shitty childhood flinch at the 30% statistic and think, "Is that me? Am I destined to be a monster?" Why does this story have legs, when so many other facts about trauma have way more empirical backing and usefulness and get very little attention?

I submit that there is one group that fucking LOVES the idea that traumatized person equals abuser. One group that pushes it into the discourse, in international media or around the family kitchen table, with great ingenuity and gusto.

Abusers.

They love it for two reasons. The most obvious reason is: It absolves them of their actions. "It wasn't ME who hit you, it was my childhood trauma!" A veritable classic excuse that takes their agency out of the equation. And it really can be hard to tell when it's a good excuse and when it isn't!

Reason two is the more insidious one: It cuts their victim's sense of goodness, worthiness, and moral certainty out from under them.

It's as simple as saying, "Look at how you pushed back at me (when I was abusing you)! You're the REAL abuser here!" It's the heart of what domestic abuse researchers call DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). It can be that simple, or it can be so complicated and byzantine it makes your head hurt.

I only really got a handle on understanding this thanks to a friend, who said she was okay with me sharing this story if I didn't identify her. I won't go into any unrelated details of her abuse, but for the record, hers is probably the most extreme case of anyone I've personally interacted with, and I used to work as a therapist and in domestic violence shelters. Her dad heinously abused her as a child. He'd also studied psychology in university. I have been trying to fathom how the fuck anyone could do what he did to her for YEARS, and I think I've got a few viabletheories.

So. She was an ordinary child, bright, warmhearted, well-behaved, and a bit autistic. A bit more naive and trusting than your average preschooler. I imagine that from his perspective, there was the convenient benefit that he often had unrestricted access to her, and he could relatively easily overpower and manipulate her.

But she had one serious downside: If anyone ever found out what he was doing to her, they would go fucking apeshit. She wasn't really prone to lying or acting out, so people would treat her as a fairly credible reporter; several other adults found her she was lovable, innocent, and endearing; and what he wanted to do to her was, I repeat, heinous.

So while he abused her, one of the things he said was: "I'm doing this because I was abused as a child. That's how it works. All abusers come from abuse. There are statistics proving it. This means you're an abuser too. See what society thinks about child abusers? That's what people will think about you, if they know that you've been abused."

And she was, you know, a child, not someone who studied psych research. He was her dad. So she believed him.

She thought that he was using his adult brain to correctly assess the truth about her as a person, for purely objective reasons. The way you'd try to teach a kid who talks with their mouth full about table manners. It's been a couple decades now, but she is still very slowly chipping away at her core belief that she is inherently awful and only her father recognized the truth about her.

Sometimes when we talk about it I have to bite my tongue because I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck was going on with him, an adult man who wanted to abuse her because he'd really enjoy it. I think about him trying to figure out how to manipulate an innocent child into accepting being abused, and minimize the risk that he'd go to jail for it. And although I hate his everloving guts, I'm almost a bit impressed at his level of machiavellian audacity, to come up with a line that was SUCH hot bullshit that people have devoted their entire careers into proving it false, and yet, because it hit exactly the right psychological issue at exactly the right psychological stage and his intended victim was so trusting, he could get her to believe him enough to turn that lie into her core identity.

Praise be to G-d and Criminal Minds, he did not, in the end, get away with it. She got enough courage to tell people, and get free of him. And she is not, in fact, a horrible abusive person.

But I think what he did so very brazenly is what a lot of abusers do, in more disguised and indirect ways. Probably partly because it really helps, when abusing people, not to treat them like human beings with their own thoughts and feelings, but if one must posit that they have something going on between their ears, it's easiest to assume that everyone else responds to trauma with aggression and abuse. After all, considering the possibility that someone like them could choose not to be abusive takes all the fun and plausible deniability out of the whole affair.

But now I see echoes of that "my victims are just as bad as I am" tactic all over the place. I honestly think it's a very similar mechanism that Hannah Arendt pointed out in The Origins of Totalitarianism. She observes that violent totalitarian regimes routinely accuse their intended victims of the very act they intend to commit themselves, to justify a "retaliation" that's actually just aggression. Think claiming "Our opponents are rigging this election" as an excuse to rig an election in the opposite direction.)

To sum up: You're human. Humans can do good and bad things. It's not necessarily good to completely forswear anything violent or angry in you, but to come up with a framework of how to be assertive and get your needs met in an ethical fashion. There are times it is appropriate and even necessary to escape or fight against somebody else's will.

On the other hand, If find yourself inflicting pain on other people on a regular basis, get some support and take a good hard look at your life choices. Sometimes it's hard to figure out how to solve problems in your life without violence or aggression, and you might need some help with that. Maybe talk to a counsellor or learn anger management skills.

But in no way is it predestined, inherent, implicit, or doomed, that your experiences and brain wiring make you violent or evil. You always have the choice to define yourself beyond what was done to you.

[fruitydiaz]

You may forget everything else, but you can never forget me, right?

[one-time-i-dreamt]

My mom beat the shit out of me in front of Aziraphale from Good Omens.

[blitzwhore]

I'm certain this has been pointed out before, but...

“Lust shouldn't be about force.”

“Oh! No! Never. NEVER that.”

When Stolas said he would never do that to Blitz, he really meant it. After all, he knows intimately well what it's like to be forced.

[daniclaytcn]

♡ SPOTIFY WRAPPED MEME ♡ @ice-sculptures asked 95 + the buckley siblings → seven by taylor swift

@lgbtqcreators creator challenge — color

[mystrade-lecroft]

Hi @honestlynervousnut , your post wouldn't leave me alone so I had to write this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"911, what's your emergency?"

"215 Griffith street. I need the police," he said, trying to stay calm.

"Can you tell me the nature of your emergency, sir?"

"He's not supposed to be here. I have a restraining order," he said more to himself than to the dispatcher

"Is someone in your house, sir?" The dispatcher asked.

"My ex-boyfriend."

"The police are on their way. Are you somewhere safe?"

"I'm in the master bathroom. I locked the bedroom door and the bathroom door. But it's only a matter of time before he breaks them down," he says, getting into the shower to give himself an illusion of safety.

"The police are coming. Can you tell me your name?"

"Tommy."

"Are you hurt, Tommy?"

"My shoulder's dislocated."

"I'm sending an ambulance to your location"

Tommy heard the bedroom door crash open.

"Shit. He's in the bedroom now," Tommy said as banging started in the bathroom door.

"The police are almost there. Help is coming."

Tommy knew the dispatcher was trained to stay calm. To be a helpful, comforting voice in a crisis. But he also knew the bathroom door wasn't going to hold very long. He shouldn't have trapped himself, he thought, especially not hurt as he was. Hindsight is always 20-20.

"LAPD get on the ground," a voice shouted from the other room.

"Tommy? Tommy, are you still there? The police are there. You're safe now," the voice in his ear said as he heard the police wrestling his ex away from the door and to the ground.

"Thank you," he sighed and hung up the phone.

---

Hen and Chimney were first through the front door after the police led the assailant to a squad car.

"Dispatch said the caller was in the master bathroom," Bobby called out to them as they headed deeper into the house. "I'm going to watch and make sure the squad car leaves before they bring him out," he said to Buck and Eddie as they stood in the living room. "You two stay here and help where needed."

Buck and Eddie nodded as Bobby headed back out the front door.

---

"LAFD," Chimney said calmly as he knocked on the bathroom door. "Sir, can you please unlock the door so we can come in?"

They heard the door unlock, but it didn't open. Hen slowly turned the knob and opened the door, revealing Tommy now sitting on the closed toilet lid, cradling his arm with two cuts on his cheek.

"Of all the fire houses," Tommy says as they stand in the doorway.

Hen and Chimney exchange a look of surprise and move towards him.

"Dispatch said it was your shoulder?" Chimney asks.

"Yeah. Dislocated when..." Tommy looks away and clears him throat. "I just need you to pop it back in."

"Tommy-"

"Howie."

"Okay," Chimney nods and moves Tommy's arm into position. "On three. One," Chimney yanks Tommy's arm, popping the bone back into the socket, as Tommy screams.

---

Eddie and Buck didn't have anything to do until given orders, so they decided the least they could do was to clear some of the debris to make a path for when Hen and Chimney came back out with the patient. Eddie picks up the shattered picture frame and freezes.

"Uhh... Buck?"

"Yeah?"

Eddie turns towards Buck, showing him the photo of Buck and Tommy at the beach underneath the broken glass.

"Tommy?" Buck whispers, looking at the photo, just before they hear a scream.

---

"Okay. Time for a trip to the hospital," Chimney says, helping Tommy stand up.

"Fine, but I'm not getting on a gurney."

They all step into the bedroom when Tommy pauses.

"Tell me Evan isn't here," Tommy says to his friends.

"Tommy?" He hears Buck call from the hallway.

Tommy sighs as the footsteps get closer.

"I'm fine," Tommy says as Buck stops in the bedroom doorway.

"Yeah," Chimney interjects. "We're just gonna take a little ride in the ambulance."

Buck stands in silence as Hen and Chimney herd Tommy past him and out of the room. As they approach the front door, Tommy pauses again.

"The police have already left. They'll meet you at the hospital to take your statement," Bobby says from the other side of the open door.

Tommy nods and follows Bobby to the ambulance, Buck following closely behind. As Tommy gets in and sits on the bench rather than the gurney, Buck hesitates. Bobby catches his eye and gestures with his head for Buck to get in. Buck does and sits next to Tommy on the bench, Hen and Chimney both sitting in the front. Bobby closes the doors, pounds twice, and the ambulance pulls away.

---

The ambulance is quiet. Buck doesn't know what to say. He just keeps staring at Tommy.

"I don't want to talk about it yet," Tommy said, his head still resting back against the rig.

Buck nodded, "Okay."

Buck faced forward again to give Tommy some space. He and Tommy haven't been seeing each other that long and the first time he's been inside Tommy's house is responding to a call. Not just any call but a domestic violence response. Tommy was attacked in his home by his ex-boyfriend. Buck doesn't know how long the guy had been in the house but he saw the damage he had already caused. If the police hadn't gotten there when they did, it could've been a lot worse. Tommy could've been-

Buck is pulled from his spiral when the ambulance doors open. He hops out of the ambulance and helps Tommy down.

"Please don't come in with me," Tommy says, letting go of Buck's hand.

Buck again stands in silence as he watches Tommy walk past him into the hospital.

---

Buck isn't sure how long he's been sitting in the uncomfortable waiting room chairs, but it feels like years. After Tommy went into the hospital, Buck went back with the ladder truck to the firehouse. He had intended to finish the rest of his shift, but Bobby knew he wasn't in the right headspace to work anymore today, so he sent him to get changed and go home. Of course, everyone knew he wouldn't be going home.

He shot up when he saw Tommy coming through the interior doors, two small bandages on his face and his arm in a sling.

"You're supposed to still be on shift," Tommy said in lieu of a greeting, stopping in front of Buck.

"Bobby let me off early," Buck replied. "He knew all I was going to do was worry about you. Doesn't make for a very useful firefighter. I went back to the firehouse to change and get my car so I could drive you home."

"I still don't want to talk about it with you yet," Tommy said, looking down and away.

"That's still okay. We don't have to talk about it. But I want to make sure you know I'm here. Whatever you need."

Tommy nodded but still didn't look at Buck.

"Have you talked to the police yet?"

"They took my statement while I was back there," Tommy gestured with his head over his shoulder.

"Okay. Good. So-"

"Evan you don't have to be here. You don't have to do anything. I'm fine."

"Hey," Buck took a few steps closer. "I'm not scared off, I don't think less of you, or whatever else you think is about to make me walk away from you. I'm here. I want to be here. For you. With you. If you'll let me be."

Tommy looked up at Buck, tears brimming.

"I still don't want to talk about it yet."

"That's still okay," Buck insists.

Buck moves to wrap his arms gently around Tommy. Tommy pulls his good arm around Buck and buries his face in the crook of Buck's neck, letting a few tears finally fall.

"I've got you." Buck kisses Tommy's forehead, "Let me take you home."

Tommy nods, pulling away.

Buck keeps his arm around Tommy and leads them out of the hospital.

[genderkoolaid]

Another murdered trans man.

Camdyn Rider, who was eight months pregnant, was killed by his fiancé in a murder-suicide where he was shot multiple times. To the surprise of literally no one, Camdyn was misgendered by the police and some news as a result. And transphobes online are being as cruel about this as you can imagine.

This is so tiring.

[spielzeugkaiser]

[MASTERPOST] You thought I was done, but I used my newly acquired dress-drawing skills for evil..

[hellshee]

I'm worried about you. You said yourself that he sometimes wants you to be something that you're not. No, stop saying it. Stop it. I know. I know you wanted a husband. We were both told to want that endlessly. No. I love him. Okay, it's not just-- But I don't think that he loves you the way that you hope to be loved.

[jabeur]

wish the disappointment that no one in men's tennis cares about the fact there's an abuser on tour, in the top 10, playing in the major tournaments would stop at some point because someone showed they do care and will do something about it. no one even says a thing when fucking asked about it directly. just oh i can't comment, i haven't had time to think about it, it's not my problem. and now zverev has settled, he won't face repercussions (again), he'll play a grand slam final and if he wins it i think that will be such a huge stain on the atp and the sport, i know most people won't give a fuck but to me that'd forever be the most shameful thing that happened in tennis. they've been letting someone who has hurt multiple women not only play but be the representative of all other players, as if the system not working (or rather, working exactly as intended, to favor abusers especially the rich men), the survivors having to withdraw from trials and settle instead aren't enough to make me disgusted at how domestic violence is not treated seriously. it's sickening.

[star-anise]

(Fragments of an unwritten filk of an old song that are bouncing around in my head, hat tip to Paul Simon and my experience helping do safety assessments and escape plans with people being abused. If you think you can add on, be my guest.)

"The power is all inside your hands," she said to me "It's scary but it's not altogether hard, logistically I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free There must be fifty ways to leave your mother."

Go get a new phone, Joan Fake yourself a new job, Rob Start packing a bag, Mag and get yourself free

[cringefaecompilation]

mfw orym, guy with a missing dad who fucking despises him to the point he refuses to remember his first name and notably cares deeply or is overprotective for the vast swath of his surviving all-female family members starts talking about how "important the relationships between fathers and sons" are

[one-time-i-dreamt]

I booked a $250 event as a gift to my mom where they'd teach you how to wash/clean dolphins but it got canceled because Harry Styles got arrested for never cooking for his wife and it was claimed to be domestic violence and it was all over the news like a national emergency so every hotel and every booking got denied.

[egyptianking]

I said this after the last euros I think and it's like 1am so excuse my thoughts being a bit all over the place but I do feel like the stats thrown around another domestic violence are very well meaning in trying to open up people's eyes to the prevalence of domestic violence, starting that conversation and also signposting to helplines and resources BUT I do feel like it's kinda?? Unhelpful in some way in that it really reinforces that a domestic abuser is the stereotypical bigoted, drunken working class football fan coming home from the match or the pub...when on reality domestic abusers take all sorts of forms? They're from every walk of life, every class, racial and religious group, part of the country. They watch football, rugby cricket, they do theatre they do..idk? Tap dancing.

I'm not saying we shouldn't share those stats I just think we need to move away from the idea that 1) football causes domestic abuse (abusers cause domestic abuse.) 2) domestic abuse is some sort of English specific thing 3) you can tell who domestic abusers are bc they fit the stereotypical bald, sunburnt, stella-drinking ingerland til I die description.

Keep sharing resources and keep the conversation going, absolutely!! But idk these are just my thoughts..

Phone numbers for anyone who may need them or to share: