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roatsww · 2 years ago

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A Whisper In The Wind

My voice is but a whisper in the wind, the wind howls, it gusts and blusters in all its pent-up fury, and my voice, trying to shout against the injustice that I see and I live, is but a silent whisper in the wind of tyranny.

For days I have felt that I am about to step off of the cross, I feel so much in my heart, I feel that I am un-heard, a Don Quixote tilting at windmills, with not an answer to a prayer in sight, I rant and I rave, I curse and I argue, and I fight with God, why did You, give me this heart that feels so much? Why did You, give me these eyes that see so much? Why did You, give me these ears that hear so much? Why did You, give me this tremendous void within me, that just draws it all in, and carries it alone? Why don’t You, give me release?

I do not understand, my voice, my prayers, my entreaties go un-heard, and without answer, Why?

I dread opening a news-paper, I fear switching on the television, I even avoid looking at what has been posted on my Facebook feed, because I hear it, I see it, and then I feel it!

I feel the fear, I see the pain, and I know the horror, because I have lived it.

I see the fear and anguish, because I live it!

I see the fear; I see the bewilderment, because I have lived it!

Can anybody ever understand, why I felt that I was about to step off of the cross, why I felt that God had abandoned the world, why I felt that God had turned a deaf ear to my prayers? Can anyone ever understand the anguish at my inner turmoil? Can anyone ever understand my feelings of helplessness, and my loneliness of carrying the storms of other people’s lives inside of me? I feel other people’s lives, because I have lived their lives, I have walked the streets of the dying, at a time before ARV’s, when I would go to those who were dying just to hold their hands, so that they wouldn’t face the fear of dying alone. I have walked the hills and valleys of a cholera epidemic to be with the people, so that they wouldn’t feel alone when their loved ones were dying of a disease for which they had no understanding.

I see them the suicide bombers and/or gunmen, walking into public places and indiscriminately killing innocent people, I see them, the politician’s, inciting racism and xenophobia, I see them the so-called leaders of the community calling on their followers to commit wanton destruction and murder, it makes me want to lock myself in my home and hide myself from the world, but, I cannot, because there is no escape from reality.

I ask God; why do I see it? Why do I feel it so intensely? Why does it affect me so badly? Why does it fill me with such an intense fear and such a barely controlled anger at the same time? Why me? Why not some-body else?

I see a world that I dearly love, being destroyed a little bit every day, and I do not understand it, the world is being destroyed by the winds of hate!

As a young man, I also wrote often, most of which has gone by the wayside, and I remember writing quite often, the following words: “If I could hold every broken and bleeding heart in my hand I would, but, I cannot, because I am only a man.” They were very big words for a young man to write, for I hadn’t lived or experienced as much of life back then, as I have now, but even today those words are still a part of me, and I still whisper them to myself on a regular basis, but these days, I whisper them with great respect for what the words mean in the world we live in today, because now I know that they can so easily be the words of a fool.

I ask myself how do I live in this world gone mad, how do I protect both the strength and the fragility that is me, How do I do it alone with a heart and a soul that have grown weary of seeing, hearing and feeling so much of the pain that the world has to offer, without having any-one to carry the burden with me, yes I still battle with God on a daily basis, that He has let me carry everything with only my friends to walk by my side and ease that which I see and feel so deeply?

How do I make my voice heard, when it is nothing more than a silent whisper in the winds of hate and agony?

I can only think of one thing, and that is to try not to fall off the cross, because Jesus left us the following:

“Love one another, as I have loved you!”

I can only plead, that every-one:

“Reach out and touch some-body, with just a little bit of love”

Perhaps these are just the ramblings of a fool, but, if that be the case, then this fool is tired of walking through the winds of hate. This fool’s voice will be heard, even if it is no more than a whisper in the wind.

Copyright exists on this and belongs to the author Michael Drysdale, you may not use it without the permission of the author. Both the photograph and the Text are copyrighted.

#Michael Drysdale #author #Long Term Survivor #tuberculosis #aids #photography #michael john drysdale #michael drysdale photography #hiv aids #fashion designer #chef #baker #humanitarian

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anotherdarkiboi · 5 years ago

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Familial Type

Yancy/Reader Oneshot, could be seen as platonic or romantic.

Low-key dedicated to @andybemarky ‘cause they’re like, the only one who likes the lil’ fics I put on here. Also, a fellow Yancy stan.

Warnings: hurt/comfort, mild angst, second person guilt, mentions of death, grief/grieving, emotional pain, mentions of prison, crying.

Prison life was surprisingly not bad.

There was a nice group of people that you would probably kill die for and a new best friend that you would have never met if you actually knew how to fly helicopter. The homey interior decorating of your cell was a plus too.

You relax on the bottom bunk of your room. It reminds you of Headquarters after a long day of planning for the heist, where you and Mark would finally be able to relax and talk. Those were your favorite times.

“Hey Mark?” You ask, getting answered by shuffling from the bunk above. You momentarily forgot that Mark was dead. “Sorry Yancy, forget I said anything”.

A pair of legs with long socks and shiny black shoes dangle from above you. Yancy nimbly leaps down and you sit up. How does he do that without falling or shattering his ankles? His eyes furrow in contemplation.

"Wasn't Mark the guy youse came in with?" Yancy asks hesitantly. You shuffle to the side to let Yancy sit beside you. He does, the bed dipping slightly under him. You are surprised that he remembers such a random detail from when you and Mark first got to prison. Mark didn't even survive the first five minutes. Yancy must have had an eye on you since the very beginning, you muse.

"Yeah, he was," you say, glancing at Yancy's concerned expression. His warm chocolate-brown eyes were the same as Mark: kind, inviting, and full of life. "You... remind me of him".

Yancy is silent for a moment. "Y'wanna talk about it? Youse don' have to if ya don't wanna though", he says, giving you an easy out. You trusted Yancy more than anyone else. Hell, he was probably the only friend you had left. You take a deep breath.

"Mark was like a brother to me. We were partners in crime: literally. He never let me down or left me behind: not too much anyway. After we robbed a museum, we got caught and ended up here." You look down at your lap, clasping your hands together. Mark died so suddenly and he was your only friend for a long time. Your chest tightens involuntarily. You didn't even know what happened to his body. After his death, you didn't feel much of anything. You were too busy getting used to prison life and appeasing the warden and becoming friends with Yancy. Or at least, you kept yourself busy thus far.

"I'm sorry ‘bout Mark. He must’a meant a lot to you. He sounds like a nice guy.”

You smile in an attempt to ease Yancy’s worry, but it ends up looking wistful. “You would have liked him. Both of you are into theatrics too; I bet he’d love seeing your musical number”.

“Was Mark the one that got a good person like youse in ‘ere?”

You scoff. “I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily a ‘good’ person. I robbed museums, stole some priceless artifacts, and committed a ton of petty crime. I was the one that got Mark in here, I made the wrong choice". You knew you should have chosen the car. Who knew that Mark didn't know how to fly a helicopter?

"I still think you're a good person. Look at me, I killed ma' mom and dad. 'S why I'm here. But youse- youse never hurt anybody. I'd say that's pretty good".

"But I hurt Mark."

Your hands clench into tight fists. Mark was dead because of you. Mark always made you make the major decisions, even when it went against his own. He was the more meticulous out of the two of you. For the heist, he had a backup plan for every letter of the alphabet and he still gave you the ability to choose where to go. You trusted your instincts thus far, and it has served you well. But your last decision ended up leading Mark to his death.

Yancy puts a hand on yours. "Hey Y/N, it ain’t your fault. Youse didn't know that'd happen. The past ain't somethin’ to be trifled with… but nor is it somethin’ youse could change".

Tears start filling up your eyes. The pain of losing Mark, the survivors guilt you feel, and the empty void of loneliness with him gone hit you all at once: an overwhelming flood of emotion threatening to drown you. You didn't want to cry in front of Yancy.

You were going to apologize when you felt a pair of big, strong arms slowly wrap around your torso. Yancy holds you firmly in a warm embrace, pinning your arms together against his chest. You felt like a baby being rocked to sleep by its mother: comfortable, warm, and loved.

"It's okay, Y/N. Youse could trust me".

You cry for the first time in a long time.

-----------------------------

You and Yancy continue holding each other, neither of you wanting to let go. Yancy soothingly rubs your back as you continue clutching the white fabric of his T-shirt. You are admittedly calmer now, and the steady rhythm of his breathing and heartbeat lulls you into an almost meditative state.

"You really are one'a those familial types," Yancy mutters, his voice a deep rumble in his chest. You smile a little, thinking about how domestic you and Yancy are. If the guard were to walk by right now, you imagine that he would have a nosebleed at how adorable you both must look.

"You too".

Yancy pauses, pulling you closer towards him. He hums contently with an exhale. You can't see his face, but the smile in his voice is evident as he whispers, almost too quiet for you to hear.

"’Guess I am".

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revengeisalwaysanoption · 5 years ago

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[Fic] All due respect here... (there's no respect due)

Let’s try one last time... I truly apologise if the cut doesn’t work on mobile, I am posting from my laptop.

Enough is enough, they're right. There’s only so much that can be forgiven, before one’s indulgence becomes a red flag. Loneliness is not an excuse, Martino.

“You need to put your foot down” they keep saying. “You need to draw a line and say: this is unacceptable. If you step over the line once you get a warning, but do it twice and we’re done.”

It's just that… you know… He feels so stupid, now? He has been so blind, so naïve and nearly let himself be played like a fiddle. Hurting those who really care about him, and for what? Approval?

The more he thinks about it, the worse it gets. The signals were all there, for fuck’s sake!

Lulling him into a sense of comradery, that he had been missing ever since his friends from high school had all chosen different paths… Yeah, that’s how it had all started. With him, trying so desperately to fill that void. It hadn’t been as difficult as had imagined to bond over incomprehensible lectures, disgusting coffee and eclectic lifestyles. Francesco had been the first to approach him, complimenting his Apparat-inspired T-shirt and asking where he bought it. It hadn’t seen anything quite like it on the Internet, or he would have remembered! Deciding it was best to weed out the homophobes straight away, Martino told him the truth: it was a gift from his boyfriend. Not quite his usual style, but since it made Nico happy to see him wear it…

“Oh man, you’re so whipped.” Francesco had commented, instead, laughing. “But hey, who am I to judge? I’m actually a bit jealous, you know. No one ever made me something that cool. Do you think I could commission him one?”

Marti did, but he had been wrong. Niccolò wasn’t interested in designing clothes for anyone else, and while he was flattered by Fra’s proposal he would have to turn it down. Not exactly a great start, but Martino didn’t think much of it. This wasn’t kindergarten and surely Francesco wouldn’t hold that refusal against Nico.

Marina had literally saved his life, when he crossed the street and didn’t look as he was in the middle of some lovely banter with Niccolò. In return for her heroic deed, he was bound to treat her to lunch. Or a coffee, at least. The way she delivered that ridiculous request, wiggling her head and biting her lips – like a mischievous child, amused by their own audacity – reminded him so much of a certain someone… that he found himself discussing the top 10 TV shows betrayals of the decade (no! they were never going to forgive D&D for what he had done to Daenerys!) over a cappuccino. She might have been side-eyeing him for checking his phone a little too much, but he didn’t really care.

And then came Lorenzo. Well, it was actually Martino who had reached out to him. Who found him sitting on the floor of a dingy bathroom, crying his eyes out. Years ago, he would have stepped out and let someone else comfort a stranger. But then… Then he though ‘what I was the one sitting there? what if it was Nico? I don’t want to think everyone would just walk away and pretend they didn’t see him…’ and sat down next to him. He didn’t ask if he was okay, when he clearly wasn’t. He didn’t ask why he was so distraught. It wasn’t any of his business, and the question alone would have made this guy feel worse. It was a lesson he had learnt the hard way, through his own experience and Nico’s.

“Oi, you got 2 tens or 4 fives? Some spare coins? I’ve only 20€ in my wallet, and that fucking machine never gives you the right change if you put in more than a 10€ note.” He had asked, when Lori looked up.

“I… I…” He had said, sniffling. Frantically, he had started looking for the money and seemed truly sorry he couldn’t help Martino out.

“Hey, that’s okay. I’ll manage. So, what can I get you? You look like you could use some hot chocolate, though I’m afraid I can only find vaguely chocolatey-flavored water, around here.”

He didn’t think he would get to meet any of them ever again, and then one day he spotted them all sitting at the same table. It wasn’t like Martino had ever believed in fate, but that did seem like a coincidence straight out from a Norwegian teen drama. A French romance. Not that he had ever watched either of them, of course. An occurrence meant to show him that the universe had plans, for the four of them.

In hindsight, he should have told the universe where he could shove its plans…

For a while, however, Martino thought there could hardly be anybody on Earth who got luckier than him in when it came to friendship. They always knew where to find the next best party but didn’t mind spending a night in, binge-watching the latest trashy show that had been uploaded on Netflix. Playing FIFA. Discussing politics, and even ethics and philosophy when they were more than a little drunk.

Everything changed, however, when things started to get a bit more personal. When they started dispensing details about their crushes, their heartbreaks, and Martino foolishly felt comfortable enough to share more of his life with Nico. Painting quite an idyllic picture, as complaints and rants about his inability to tidy up a room and tendency to zone out when they were discussing financial matters would only ever be disclosed to Giovanni. Nevertheless, to say that they weren’t his biggest fans would be an understatement.

“Let me guess, it’s Nico. Again.”

“Okay… So, he can leave on read for hours, but starts panicking if you don’t answer straight away?”

“He put salt in your coffee because you weren’t paying attention? Is he… like, five or something? But well, if you find that endearing… You do you, man.”

And it only got worse after they met him, and began spinning a whole other narrative in which Martino was either a hero or a martyr, for ‘putting up’ with Nico.

“Oh, you're such a great guy not giving up on that.”

“You sure must love him a lot to endure all of his up and downs.”

He reassured them all, told them that he appreciated the concern but that they barely knew Niccolò so he wouldn’t stand for any further slandering of his boyfriend.

So they laid low, and stayed quiet, for a while. It hurt them to see Martino trapped in what clearly was an abusive relationship, but there was nothing more that could be said or done about it. Whenever Nico was mentioned, they changed the subject.

Until tonight. Asking them both to join them at a party, and then corner him and attempted to stage an ‘intervention’.

Couldn’t he see how possessive and controlling Niccolò was, manipulating Marti into thinking his new friends were out to get him?

“The two of you, against the world? Doesn’t it sound disturbing to you?”

“Marti, come on, you have to admit that he has controlling tendencies. He shouldn’t need to know where you are at all times, doing what, with whom. He shouldn’t come up and snatch you away, whenever he notices you spend time talking to the same person for more than 2 minutes.”

“It’s like he can’t stand not being at the center of your attention 100% of the time.”

How… How dare they? Who the fuck do they think they are?

“Get out of my face, you fuckers. If I hear you badmouthing Nico ever again, you’re gonna regret it.”

Thankfully, they don’t try to stop him when he storms out the room. The last thing he wants is to end up in a fight, and having Niccolò find out it was because of him. It had already happened once, with Malik and his friends, and… No revival of that was needed, thanks.

Little do they know about their late conversations, when Martino had indeed noticed was off with Niccolò and tried to find out how he could help. Because Marti couldn’t relate to the magnitude of Niccolò feelings, sure, but he had been there the year before. When everyone in Uni had seemed far more interesting that a boy who still attended high school…

Niccolò has a jealous streak, sure. That had been clear ever since he put in his pasta. But it wasn’t the ugly side of jealousy, stemming from a warped sense of ownership over him. It was more like… Feeling like he didn’t matter, of maybe being interest enough to catch someone’s attention but lacking in keep them entertained. Which in turn made him petty, vindictive, clingy. It was only a matter of time before Martino would agree with those guys, and leave him for good.

Marti tapped Nico's skull, then, and said to his brain "Stop with this bullshit. Stop making my boyfriend suffer, you asshole. You know nothing, zero, zilch, nil, nada. You're worse than Jon Snow.” He bent down to kiss his heart, and went on with "You, on the other hand… You know Nico's the best thing that has ever happened to me and that I'd be a fool not to cherish it. So what if he’s got some flaws? Who cares? Not me. One thing matters and it’s this: no else compares. So yeah, tell him he shouldn't worry: I'm not going anywhere."

"Ever?" He mumbled, not quite ready to believe Martino.

"Kim Jong-un, Nico. Remember?" Marti reminded him, smiling as he stroked his cheek.

"Right. How could I forget King-Kong-Là…" That made them both laugh, and they decided not to discuss the matter any further. They were far more pleasurable ways to spend their night together…

So yeah, screw them. Screw everyone who overanalyzes every little thing Niccolò does, who is always ready to point the finger at him and say that Martino deserves better.

Of course he does, duh. Better friends, for a start.

*********************** All due respect here... There's no respect due. So fuck you and you, and you and you. You're cool, but fuck you... And I'm out of here. (Swear Jar, Illy)

#skam italia #nicotino #my writing

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myheartislookingforyoualways · 4 years ago

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03.10.2021

Dear G,

I love you. I miss you. I want us back. I want you. I am sorry for all the pain I’ve put you through when you just wanted to love me as I would love you. Those are the words that I would say if I could only just speak to you. Talk to you. Hear you. Hear your beautiful voice with you smooth soft accent. Here the anticipation in your breath as we exchange our little love sounds and words. Hear the confirmation as you respond to me with our usual ways of telling each other we love each other. I just want that so bad and but I just know that no matter what I would say right now could not take away the pain you’re feeling at the situation I’ve put us both in. I am just wishing that I could talk to you. Period. I know I can’t and I won’t as I promised you that I wouldn’t until I was one month sober. I am going to keep that promise to you and to me and to us. It is just so increasingly painful as my mind starts to clear more and more with each passing day and the haze of my active addiction starts to wear off i start to see the situation more and more clearly. My heart aches more and more and starts to break into smaller and smaller pieces from remembering what i put you through and us through in the last days of you being here, even right up the end offering concessions to my sick and impaired mind. I cannot even imagine what i will have gone through by the time my month long sobriety in terms of clarity and perspective when thinking about how it all ended that day you got out of my car just. The last day I saw you. It got worse and worse this feeling. Everyday just more and more sadness, regret, anger, frustration, desperation, longing, aching, pain. I remember not being able to wake the day you left on your plane. I couldn’t even deal with the reality of that. Then I saw your VSCO post on the airplane. I screamed at myself. I was so angry at myself. Then I just stopped and cried. I was in complete shock anger and disgust that you were actually gone and I had done this to us.

I saw your VSCO posts a few days ago after the Godspeed one, Reflektor - Arcade Fire, and What a Difference a Day Makes - Dinah Washington. We always communicate through music, we always did, and still are. I was wondering why you posted Godspeed in a hotel lobby. Then I checked your Tumblr and your posts were about missing me and crying for me and hoping that one day I can be happy with someone else and you can look back on me fondly as your first love. How you send me love wherever I am and whoever I may be with. Also your quote from the Frank Ocean Godspeed song. Maybe I’m looking into this too much. Probably not. Maybe I am. If I am it doesn’t really matter. I know you and you know me. You were my besh fren ad my partner, my lover for a year. G i don’t want to be with anyone and I’m not going to be with anyone. I just want to be with you again. I just want you again. I just want us again. Its ok my love, whatever happened or didn’t happen it doesn’t matter to me. None of it does. Whatever happened after I forced you to let go and leave us was because of the choices I made to force you to leave. I have no issues with whatever reality and whatever happened after that. This feels like that time after January when we didn’t talk but times a million. I have the same feelings but also times a million. I’ll never forget when you came into the place and i was in absolute agony. You looked so beautiful and I wanted to talk to you but I was paralyzed but my own self loathing and anger and sadness. Then you gave me the peace sign before you left after you gave everyone else hugs. I msged you on WhatsApp later that night. I wish it were simply that easy now or that straightforward but its not. There is so much to get through if I’m ever going to get back to you and us. But I’m not going to give up. I never will. I didn’t then and I won’t now. I love you and I always will. I will always chase you and I will always want you back. No matter what happens and no matter who you are with I will always love you and want you back G. There’s nothing else in the world that I want more than to be able to hold you again, kiss you again, be with you again. I just want to fall into you again and again and again. Forever and a day.

I finally had my intake assessment yesterday in the afternoon. I talked on the phone with the counsellor for over an hour. I went through alot of things in my life. I told her about you, about us, about how my addictions affected our relationship. About how it ended our relationship. I cried on the phone with her. Then I made plans for the next session. I told her of my own plans on how to day by day maintain my sobriety. The program is a 12 week program that has group addiction therapy, traditional group therapy as well as individual counselling. I am ready. I am open to everything. I want to be better. I want to be healthy. I want me back. After I hung up the phone with her even though I said I wouldn’t I looked at pictures of us ; both on my snap and in my hidden album on my phone. I cried again and I started to feel really desperate and hopeless. There is just this big gnawing hole inside me where you and everything you were to me everyday used to be. If I just sit and stare or think of you in that headspace I start to feel really desperate. Physically I feel anxious nowadays when I get like that. I scream and moan your name and cry bb. I writhe and twist. Then i self talked again and I pulled myself out of it. Got on with my day. I realize that no matter what, this isn’t going to bring you back. I have to focus on me and getting myself better first. This is only going to lead me back to relapse and further away from the hopes and the possibility of ever being back with you. No matter what, no matter what happens, I will always love you and no matter what, I am going to take what happened and keep these feelings close to me so I never lose sight of what I have to do and what I have to work on - me.

Throughout the day I kept on thinking of little things, little memories that we had together. I always smile at the thought of them. There are so many stories. We always used to remember them together. Even now I am smiling at the thought of them. How we met at work. You in you braids. Me trying to play it cool. Secretly I told our management that I think you would be a great addition. Hoping that you would get hired. I was so excited when you were and I would always check the schedule to see when we worked together next. All of our times working together and we would always have our own little jokes together. How you would always hug me after work. I would look forward to those hugs and smelling you. Then you caught feelings and stopped hugging me. I caught feelings before you though. How I used to always walk you back home no matter what. I always made sure to walk you back home. I looked forward to our little walks. I never kissed you. You probably were wondering if I would try to. Well I know you were wondering because we talked about this many times.

I’ll never forget any of our little stories ever G.

I love you with all my heart.

Always will.

I’m going to find me like I said I would.

Then I’m going to come find you and us.

My heart will always be looking for you G

...

Just got back home from Ubering. It’s been a tough day G. I’ve been thinking about you all day long from the moment that I woke up and I’ve been just trying to not go on your social media accounts all day long. I see you everywhere. I set a timer on the FitBit that you bought me for a half hour at a time and try to tell myself that I won’t think of you in the time. But it doesn’t really matter and it doesn’t really help. I see you everywhere. I see you in the streets. I drive the city ubering and I reference the city by the times that we’ve had there, by the experiences that we’ve shared. I remember all the things that we’ve done together all the times that we had together, all the feelings that we’ve had together. I had to come home because I didn’t keep up my promise to not check on your social media for the rest of the day until tomorrow morning. I went on your Tumblr and my heart just sank and fell through the floor of my car. I felt so helpless, dejected and completely just lower than I’ve ever felt before. I just stared at your last post and was in complete and utter desperation. I don’t know what you mean by you say you miss me but you already have other people in your life, Fuck your mind games. Go fuck other people and try to fill the void with meaningless people. I’m going to work on me and my loneliness like a normal person. I had to come home. I was having a anxiety attack. I couldn’t even drive. Ever since you have left I have been missing you more and more and more and more and more and now it completely unbearable. There is nobody in my life and I don’t want anybody in my life. After all this I still just want you and i love you so fucking desperately. I wish that you were still here. I wish that I made the choices that would have kept you here G and not pushed you away. I wish that so many things were different. I wish it all different. I wish so many things. Mostly I wish you were just still here with me on the couch and instead of typing into these keys “talking” to you I was just talking to you and holding you and squeezing you and able to love you. I am just so desperately missing you. There is nobody else I even want to look at ever again I just fucking want you back G so bad. I will never ever be with anyone ever again if it is not you. There hasn’t been anybody ever since you left. There is nobody in my life except for me and my pain and loneliness and anger for having lost you to my fucking addictions. I go to bed and I send you love and I wish on the moon that by some miracle, some hope that you will come back. I go to sleep and I dream of you. I wake up in the middle of the night and I cry because it was all just a dream, my mind is just causing me more pain. I get up and go to the washroom but I still wish, no matter how painful, that I can still dream of you as long as possible. There is nobody and there never will be anybody. I will always only ever want you G . I love you so much and I miss you so much. This is all I have to look forward to . During the day in place of actually talking to you I sent “you” tweets that is supposed to fill the place of talking to you. You were my best friend for a year and I miss you so fucking much it hurts. I don’t want to fuck anyone. Ever. I just want you. I want you or nobody else. Always. I don’t even want to masturbate or anything. I don’t even have any desire to look at any porn. I just ache in pain for you. In the very beginning i would look at our videos that we made together but now its just too painful. I feel so alone in this pain. I feel so alone in this world without you. I fucking love you so much G and I want you back. I always will and I will never ever want anybody else ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever Ever. Ever. Ever.

I’m so desperate writing this letter to you. I went thru your Tumblr and you removed every single semi-nice, or sentimental post you ever made to me. I know that you know that I am reading your Tumblr and I know that you know that I deeply am affected by all your posts. I’ve saved them and I cherish them, or I think about them, or I feel bad about them, or sorry about them, but they were all there and today you took them away. I saved them. But that hurt so much. Yes I understand I deserve whatever anger, rage, or even hate that you have for me but i just cannot and will not ever be able to stop loving you or wanting you or chasing you. Even now when I’m basically just talking to myself I have some sort of idea that you will somehow someday read this.

I just want to talk to you. I just miss your voice. I saved all your texts on your Tumblr. The ones you deleted. Any shred any scrap of you that I can possibly save - good or bad - I cannot let go of.

Yesterday :

Some days I’m so incredibly mad And others I just cry because I miss you I want to be normal I want to stop my feelings so badly

G I know that you’re incredibly mad, I know you are I can feel it even when you’re this far away. I miss you so much and I am so mad too. I am mad at me I am so mad that I ruined us I just want you back so bad I want you back I want to spend the rest of my life making it better making it up to you.

Also Yesterday:

What’s really bothering me these days is how you last said “I honestly never ever thought that you would leave” Wtf how weak and stupid I must have looked. I feel so stupid to have been subjected to such treatment when all I did was love you, that’s it. And I still feel guilty, still feel like I was not enough and now I’m so broken that it’s very hard to hold the pieces some days. I’m never opening my heart anymore to anyone

I was so fucked up and deep in my active addiction. It’s not that I didn’t think you would leave. I just in my fucked up brain thought somehow that I could keep you and my addiction at the same time a that time. I just have so much anger too. Anger at myself anger at all the times I could have made the choice to stop to just stop and give all my energy I put into feeding my addiction into us instead. I wish you were still here right now calling me into bed. I wish I had of just stopped. You were always more than enough. You always will be.

Another post:

hay que encender la luz de otras personas you have to turn on the light of other people

You did. We lit each other up. I am cold and blind now without that light. I miss you so fucking much.

Another one:

Why couldn’t you choose me

I wish I did when I actually had a choice. Now I have no choice and just pain and self hate and sadness over what I did to us.

Another one deleted:

“Si te quiere bien; nunca te hará preguntarte si eres suficiente, siempre te hará creer que eres demasiado.” "If he loves you well; It will never make you wonder if you are enough, it will always make you believe that you are too much. "

I’m sorry that I didn’t love you well. I’m sorry that I didn’t love the way that you deserved to be loved. You always were and always be too much. I will always love you and I will always hope to love you the right way. The way that I should have from the beginning.

Another one from a different post:

Lo que me da paz es que vemos la misma luna todas las noches. Siempre le cuento de ti y de lo que fuimos, Quisiera poder tomar su lugar Solo para poder verte una vez más…. What gives me peace is that we see the same moon every night. I always tell him about you and what we were, I wish I could take her place Just so I can see you one more time….

This is the post that led me to make my poem on VSCO about sharing the hope and the promise with the moon that I would be able to somehow get back to us and get back to you. I loved this one and I cherished it. I have read it over and over again.

Another:

Otra noche para llorar Another night to cry

I cried when I read this, I cried for you, I cried for me, I cried for us, I cried that we were seperated when we never were before.

Another:

Solo quiero ser feliz, porque no puedo ser feliz I just want to be happy, because I can't be happy

I want you to be happy to, I really do. At one point in time i was a part of that happiness, I was taking that for granted and I never will again. I am so sorry G.

Another:

Te extraño tanto, siento que no puedo respirar pero me dejaste sin nada. Ya no se quien soy y solo quisiera poder hablarte y abrazarte

I miss you so much, I feel like I can't breathe but you left me with nothing. I no longer know who I am and I just wish I could talk to you and hug you

I miss you so fucking much too G. I didn’t know it at the time but I have nothing either. There is a massive hole in my entire being that i just feel gets bigger and bigger every day. I wish more than anything that I could talk to you as well and hug you too. I wish that almost every moment of every day since you left.

Another one deleted:

Ese momento en que te dije que había nacido con un corazón roto y tú me dijiste que lo sostendrías para siempre. Ese momento fue mi perdición porque ahora estoy aquí mas rota que antes.

Fue mi error ser tan vulnerable

y aun así te extraño

Solo quisiera desaparecer

That moment when I told you that I was born with a broken heart and you told me that you would hold it forever. That moment was my downfall because now I am here more broken than before.

It was my mistake to be so vulnerable

and still I miss you

I just want to disappear

That is one of the most favorite moments of us being together that i will never forget ever until the day that i die. You were not mistaken to be vulnerable. Everything that i said to you I meant but it was my addiction that started to take away from us. I still do want to hold you and your broken heart together forever if you would ever let me do it again.

Another:

Le di amor hasta con el corazón roto…

I gave him love even with a broken heart ...

I still want your love, desperately more than anything please

This right here just tears me apart:

Poem #1 - untitled by me

Y pienso en ti,

Pienso en tu sonrisa

Pienso en como me hacías sentir,

Pienso en tus caricias

Pienso en los lunares de tu espalda

Pienso en el susurro de tu voz cuando me decías “te amo” Antes de irnos a dormir

Y lloro,

Lloro por todos los “hubieras”

Lloro porque no puedo abrazarte

Lloro porque no puedo tocarte

Lloro porque solo quisiera hablarte

Y después pienso

En como me rompiste el corazón

Poem # 1 - untitled by me

And I think of you

I think of your smile

I think about how you made me feel

I think of your caresses

I think of the moles on your back

I think of the whisper of your voice when you told me "I love you" Before we go to sleep

And I cry

I cry for all the "would haves"

I cry because I can't hold you

I cry because I can't touch you

I cry because I just want to talk to you

And then I think

How you broke my heart

This just tears me apart because I remember those intimate moments that we had and I want them back more than anything

I didn’t copy these ones but I did screenshot:

Post #1:

I wish I could write better, so I could put all my pain into words. And make them beautiful.

Post #2:

home is whenever I’m with you

Post #3:

I want to let go so badly

Why is it so hard

Post #4:

I’m so scared that one day you will find someone else, and I’ll be stuck forever with this feeling missing you

Post #5

I journal so much its crazy, se siente como si de alguna forma tu lo leyeras

Post #6:

Post #7:

Nothing like a broken heart to motivate you to go to the gym and be the hottest version of yourself lol

Post #8:

I hope I dream with kissing you tonight

Post #9:

I send you love, wherever you are and whomever you may be with

Post #10:

Days like today is when I miss your voice.

I miss talking to you.

I just miss you that’s it.

I want the day to come when I can think of you and I no longer cry the day that you may be happy with someone else and that I can think of you fondly as my first love.

Post #11:

I let go of my claim on you

You look down on where you came from sometimes

But you’ll have this place to call home , always...

#Godspeed

There are also a bunch of posts of IG posts that you took down that were indirectly meant for me. Also you removed a whole bunch of things on your VSCO that were related to me. You removed the music references to your last VSCO posts. These are all things that I absolutely hung on to ever since you left and I cherished them, no matter what they were you were speaking to me and I hung on to every one.

I don’t know what I’m doing here G. I just fucking miss you so much. I am going to be alone here in this feeling to just feel this. I don’t want to feel anything else except for this. I love you so much. I am sorry for your anger. There is nobody else on this existence than I want except for you.

I’m sorry I went even bolder with my Spotify and my VSCO. I just miss you so much and I wish I could just reach out to you. I promise I that I will back down and let you just do you from now on. I’ll let you do. I also am going to stick to my plan of not going on your socials, including Spotify now, only once a day from now on. I just know that given this its going to lead to a relapse so I need to really stick to that.

I have nothing else that I want except for you. There are clothes in the place that I didn’t give to you accidentally. I’ve gathered them up and smelled them. Your panties don’t smell. I wish they did. I did find your headband tho that I thought always looked cute on you and it still does smell like you. I wish your amor amor fragrance was here.

I fucking miss you G

I fucking love you G

I want you back

I don’t know what the possibility is

But I cannot and I will never give up

You are the only person I ever want and will only ever want

There is nobody but you even now when you are gone.

I love you

0 notes

youngasthemorning-oldasthesea · 6 years ago

Text

Tumblr is the perfect void to scream into

Even though I’ve already screamed out loud in this empty house and my throat is sore

This writing won’t be good, I’m not trying, this isn’t art, this is just me, in extreme pain, screaming, and using an excessive and incorrect amount of comas

I’ve come so close to posting a picture of me on my private story about this, I’ve drafted so many tweets but in the end I delete them all after each new crushing realization that nobody gives a single fuck

Literally no one

And if someone did ask what was wrong it would be out of guilt

And if someone did ask what was wrong it would be because my picture or tweet reminded them that I exist and that I might not be doing so well but nobody has ever checked up on me just to check up because they care

Nobody knows how hurt I am

I’m heart broken, not by anyone in particular but by life

I’m screaming that it’s unfair and all I get is “life’s not fair” well what do they think this is? Trial run preparing me for life? This is practice? No dumb bitch this is life so of course it’s not fucking fair and why can’t I ever point that out??

The following is from the caption of a 1 second video I made, it’s an app where you take a one second video everyday for a year and at the end you have a movie of your year. The video was of me, buried in a pillow, staring at the camera. I took it about two weeks ago when things were as bad as they’ve ever been. I wrote this a little later once things got a little better and I understood that I’d probably be ok but for a while it got so bad that it was scary because I didn’t think I’d ever be alright again, I just didn’t feel anything. Nobody knows though. I didn’t tell anyone because I knew nobody actually cared. Nobody thinks about me unless I’m right in there face and they don’t want to be reminded of me when I’m not there so I leave people be. Here it is:

I made this video instead of a cute one showcasing all the people in my life because I want my one seconds to honestly reflect my days. Not every day is fun and video ready. Some days are slow. Some days are stressful. Some days are just bad. Today is a really bad day. Nothing happened to make it bad but I hate myself today more than usual. I’ve been feeling really alone in the world lately and it’s because I’m beginning to realize that I am alone in the world. I don’t have a best friend. Or any real friends actually. I have Ada but I’m not her best friend and she has never asked me to hang out and she doesn’t text me or tell me anything. I have Parker but she has other best friends and she lives in Greenville. I’m fat even though I’m practically starving myself. I’m ugly even when I look my best. I don’t belong anywhere and I have such a hard time trusting people after what chandler and that group of girls did to me. I literally think about how much they probably hate me every time I think about sending them something or talking to them even after two months. Like sometimes I literally start to shake now because of how unknowable other people’s true opinions of me are. They really broke something in me. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I’m the only person that I have and I don’t even care about me. No boy that I want is ever going to think I’m anything special or want me because of how annoying I am and how ugly and poorly shaped I am. I’m annoying and loud at the wrong times on the surface but then when you look deeper I’m just nothing, I have no personality, I have nothing to say.

I haven’t felt this worthless and non-energetic in a really long time and I think it’s a depressive episode because there isn’t really any event happening or that has happened to trigger it. I don’t feel like doing anything or being with anyone. I have no one to talk to because no one wants to hear about my problems and I wouldn’t be able to articulate it well anyway, which would only frustrate me. I don’t have a date to js so I’m not going and I thought I grew out of that stage where I was that girl with no date and no options because I’m 17 I’ve grown up since freshmen year. I thought things were better but I guess at my core I’ll always be the girl nobody really wants to take to a dance. I’m nobody’s first choice. I never have been. Lately it seems as though everybody but me gets to be happy and gets what they want and I get nothing. Chandler broke my heart and got Deborah. Megan is so mean to me and hates me so much and she got Jackson. I haven’t done anything to anybody and I can’t even get a date to prom because people, especially guys, don’t want to be around me. I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin and in my own personality that I’m constantly aware of how awkward or annoying I’m acting and I just feel like pulling at my elbows until my skin comes off and I can be somebody new. I don’t want to kill my self but I don’t want to exist anymore. I want to run away and hide forever in most social situations and even sometimes when I’m alone. I constantly find myself saying out loud that I “want to go home” without thinking about it, even when I’m in my own home and I don’t get it. Where the fuck is my home? Where am I going to feel safe and at peace with myself? How much longer until I find that place? Because I can’t do this for much longer. I slept all night until 10:30 and I never ever take naps but I’m so emotionally drained that I’m exhausted right now and am about to sleep even though I had a large coffee a few hours ago. I think my body and my soul are just tired of being conscious and of thinking and feeling this way. It’s hopelessness, it’s worthlessness, it’s loneliness, and it’s fucking exhausting and it’s fucking terrifying. I’m scared I’m going to feel like this forever. I need somebody but I don’t trust friends after that group of girls and I don’t trust boys after chandler, everything is either too good to be true or it’s not good at all. I don’t even have the energy to turn on the tv or play music. I wish I could cry to let it it out but I can’t cry unless I’m angry or frustrated. Ive been laying in a dark bedroom for 5 hours doing nothing, no music, no tv, nothing. All because I just don’t have the energy to. All I’ve eaten today is a cheese stick and some peanuts and at first it was because I am trying so desperately to lose weight but now it’s because I can’t will myself to eat even though I’m lightheaded and dizzy, I don’t care. No one does. No one has ever checked up on me just to see if I’m ok. I’m convinced I don’t cross anybody’s mind unless I’m right there with them. Nobody ever invites me places or asks me to hang out with them and people rarely text me first or respond to me with equal enthusiasm. What is so special about me that makes me so irrelevant to everyone? Why am I seemingly the only person with absolutely nobody. It’s probably because my mom didn’t let me watch sponge bob as a kid. Idk. I’m tired though, of so many things. Maybe things will be different when I wake up, maybe I’ll want to exist then. Update: I woke up. I wish I hadn’t.

0 notes

veanux8 · 6 years ago

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This is really, really depressing so keep scrolling, its just for me to cope.

Everytime i think im better, im not. I should be happy with where i am in life so far, im not. I dont know why. I should be. Im literally pushing all my friends away cuz i dont know what my problem is. My anxiety is at an all time high. I talk about my feelings but it feels like im only being heard. Not listened to. I feel immense pain and emptiness everyday. When i talk about it, it feels like im saying too much and its like im overwhelming everybody else. Even so, im told the same thing by everyone. Either way, Its my problem to deal with and i will not expect anybody help me carry that load. Im deeply loved and I am forever grateful, and i will always love those who are there for me, but this does not deny the obvious emotions being released from my body and mind. I feel like im ugly. I dont feel wanted. I don’t feel like im enough for anybody. I don’t want to die, which causes me to float within an empty void of darkness where nothing exists. My mind feels like this everyday. All i hear are the voices in my head spouting bullshit that i shouldnt believe, yet they make total sense. I feel an intense loneliness that feels like nobody can cure. I cant cry, no matter how much i want to. It feels like so much is expected of me, yet i feel like a lost cause. My mind is completely detached from my body. Im alone. People love me. But im still so, so alone. I feel horrible because it feels like im making my friends seem like they arent good enough, which is far from the truth. But i still feel the same. I have no more hatred for this world or for its people, or so i thought, but my ego reminds me everyday just how cruel we can be. I feel like im a bad person, i don’t know the truth anymore. I don’t feel like a good person. I get angry too quickly, i have no patience. I live selfishly for my own desires. Yet i care so much, about everything. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what i should do, where i should go, and how i should function. All i can ask is why. Why am i in so much pain. Why cant i appreciate my loved ones to the fullest potential that i want to appreciate them. Why did i stop talking to everybody. Why cant i get better, why do i keep getting worse. Why am i not good enough. Why is reality so cruel and cold? Why can’t i be fucking happy... or at least comfortable?? All i can do is post this, and watch it lose itself in the abyss of the web. It hurts so much. My heart, mind and soul are in so much pain.

I just don’t know anymore. I never knew.

0 notes

cocoxiv-blog · 7 years ago

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LF RP Contacts: Cocoba Coba

NAME: Cocoba Coba NICKNAME(S): Scamp, Coco AGE: 19 RACE: Dunesfolk/Seeker Hybrid GENDER: Female SEXUALITY: Bisexual, No Preference MARITAL STATUS: Single SERVER: Balmung

~Physical Appearance~

HAIR: Knee-length, bundled up in a ponytail most of the time to stop it from obstructing her vision. Jet black with gray dye on the far ends of the hair. EYES: Black, like staring into the void. HEIGHT: 2′5″ BUILD: Pear shaped, chesty for a Lalafell, though her chest size pales in comparison to the size of her thighs. She doesn’t have a lot of muscle, but she spends a lot of time in the wilderness, so she is toned. While no muscle is visible, one can feel how firm she is all over. DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Almost always has eye shadow around her eyes to make her stare seem more imposing. Almost always wears a black bandana around her eyes, leading many to believe she is a bandit of some sort. Has sharp shark-like teeth, miqo’te ears and a long miqo’te tail (about as long as she is tall). COMMON ACCESSORIES: Always carries a cheap dagger and a simple bow on her person, with a quiver of exactly 20 hand-made arrows (never more, never less). If she is carrying any other kind of weapon, is is likely as a means to learn how to use it. Always has a length of rope bundled up on her left side.

~About~

PROFESSION: Huntress, wilderness guide, scout, courier. HOBBIES: Singing, dancing, cooking, traveling, learning new things, having an intelligent conversation. RESIDENCE: Wherever she sets up camp. Prefers cold or temperate climates, so typically she is found in places like The Shroud and Coerthas, though with how vast those regions are, the chances of finding her camp are still pretty slim. BIRTHPLACE: Thanalan, though she is unaware of this fact. LANGUAGES: Eorzean RELIGION: Cocoba walks a very fine line between disliking and hating the Twelve. She hates when people bring them up. NOTABLE TRAITS: Judging, observant, inquisitive, aggressive, pessimistic, quiet, distrusting, overly cautious / paranoid HOPES: At present, she simply wants to be able to live happily and to find some measure of peace in her life. Unfortunately, day after day, her hopes are shattered. FEARS: Feeling what total and absolute loneliness feels like ever again, letting someone in and being betrayed, spiders.

~Relationships~

SPOUSE: None CHILDREN: Two on the way PARENTS: Unknown. Never met her birth mother or father. Adopted by a caravan. SIBLINGS: A whoooole lot, but she has no idea who they are. OTHER RELATIVES: None known

~Traits~

extroverted / introverted / in between disorganised / organised / in between close minded / open-minded / in between calm / anxious / in between disagreeable / agreeable / in between cautious / reckless / in between patient / impatient / in between outspoken / reserved / in between leader / follower / in between empathetic / unempathetic / in between optimistic / pessimistic / in between traditional / modern / in between hard-working / lazy / in between cultured / un-cultured / in between loyal / disloyal / in between faithful / unfaithful / in between

~RP Hooks~

Alteration: (OOC: Cocoba was created to be a character who changes based on what happens around her, rather than being someone who remains the same and set in their ways. As a result, whether you have good intentions or ill intentions, Cocoba will change based on her interactions with others and the events that unfold around her. As a result, everything you have read up to this point is subject to change and is currently based off of who she is as of November 2018)

A Magical Experience: Cocoba is distrusting of magic users, especially those who flaunt their powers to show off or to do things that should be done by hand (in her opinion). She dislikes it when people use magic for any reason other than for self defense. She can understand if someone’s life is in danger, but using your powers to show off or to do something simple like, say, creating light so you can read a book, or creating stepping stones so you can cross a river, is distasteful and will earn scorn. However, a lot of this comes from her lack of understanding of magic and experiences with it hurting those she’s cared about, so perhaps her disliking for magic can be shifted with the right kind of exposure to it.

It’s A Trap!: Cocoba sets a LOT of traps around her camp whenever she chooses a place to make her residence. It is not uncommon for unwary adventurers to find themselves ensnared by one of her traps, be it in the form of falling into a pit or getting their leg caught in a rope and dangling from the canopy. Her paranoia has kept her alive, but it also leads to some unpleasant encounters with angry traveling merchants or parents whose children get caught in the traps. None of the traps are lethal - they only serve to disable a person or animal and alert her to an interloper’s presence.

Blasphemer!: It’s no secret that Cocoba dislikes / outright hates the Twelve and has been known to badmouth them in public. Devout followers or zealots certainly won’t tolerate her blasphemy and will seek to shut her up one way or another.

“Anybody want to get killed with me or get killed looking for me?”: Cocoba’s life is all about living in the wilderness. She views living in a home as a sign of weakness and it distresses her to think she might ever wind up living like that herself. She tries to distance herself as much as possible from the prospect of settling down and living in a home somewhere, whether by choice or by force. As a result, people who try to coerce her into coming to their home are likely to get a verbal thrashing. However, if someone admits a fondness for camping, Cocoba will be thrilled to hear it and seek to further interact with the person. Come join me in this rock I live under!

Hidden Talent: Cocoba used to love singing and dancing, but since she has been exposed to some great tragedies, she has since become closed off to the idea of expressing herself in such a way. She finds it hard to sing because she attributes it with joy, and she doesn’t have a lot of joy in her life right now.

Love for the East: Cocoba has a lot of respect for the people from the Far East because they seem so polite and well mannered, which is a trait she doesn’t often see in people around Eorzea (much to her annoyance). She is prone to romanticizing life in the Far East as a result and yearns to live in that land because it sounds like a place she can really, legitimately settle down. She also admires the Shinobi and the Samurai, which has led her to using a ‘greatsword’ (ie: Hyur-sized one-handed sword) and practicing with it to be like the Samurai. She sucks at it, and she’s not strong enough to hold it properly, but she tries!

Did you say Chocolate?: Looking for a simple way to open up interaction and to earn some love from her? She loves sweets - especially chocolate and cinnamon. Whether it’s in the form of a drink, a cake, a cookie, ice cream, etc., Cocoba will melt if given something sweet to nom.

OOC Notes

First and foremost, let me state that Cocoba is a lore-friendly character. They may have unusual physical features, but at their core, Cocoba is not designed to be too crazy in terms of talents, powers, etc. She is average as an adventurer and nothing really stands out about her other than that she is a hybrid and has some unusual physical qualities.

I am primarily interested in role plays that help develop the character, whether that’s in the form of a simple social interaction, a venture into the wilderness, delving into a dungeon, or telling a story. I love story-driven interactions and seeing my characters develop over time.

That being said: if ERP is an interest of yours, it’s not something I get into unless the characters have an actual bond that warrants that kind of role play. While it is true that Cocoba sleeps around, this is more or less a result of her current life. She sleeps around because she is hurting and it distracts her from the pain, but it doesn’t mean that when I role play with people, that’s the thing I’m looking for.

Please remember: in character does not equal out of character. If Cocoba is a jerk, she’s being a jerk to the character - not the player. Please don’t take offense if she is mean to your character.

If you are interested in trying to interact with her, I am typically active during the day, afternoon and evenings, and I am EST (GMT -5). I typically hang around Ul’dah because it’s one of the only places to go to find RP interactions, but we can always plot something in tells or something as a means to meet and interact.

As a final note, here is her character sheet, which I update regularly based on the role play I have done and the interactions she’s had:

Character Sheet

Hope to meet some folks soon!

#Cocoba Coba #Cocoba #Lalafell #Miqo'te #Hybrid #Balmung #Role Play #RP #Looking For Role Play #LFRP #LF RP #LF RP Contacts #FFXIV #Final Fantasy

0 notes

viruswithsaas · 7 years ago

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“Damn” (Kendrick Lamar)

youtube

As you can tell from the previous reviews, I am a metalhead. An openminded one, yes, with the record collection to prove it but still. I often say that listen to many genres but I always come back to metal because that is the genre I’m most familiar with, I know best and whose esthetic most appeals to me. That being said, this review is going to be a bit different and out of my comfort zone.

Hip hop and rap have taken over from rock and are now the most popular genres right now on Spotify and the North-American radio stations. A lot has been said about this evolution. Mostly very immature comments about some conspiracy by the record labels to keep “real music” down and how today’s chart toppers are sooo stupid!

I’ve made my contribution as well and stated that mainstream rock sucks, the underground is very much alive and that, if you love a genre, you wouldn’t care if it’s popular or not. Some of my favourite albums never moved a lot of copies. So, big deal. Now, how do I feel about hip hop from 2017? Euh...

It has been a long while since I’ve actively explored the genre and I’ve always had a disdain for mainstream acts like Jay-Z or the very formulaic music that 2Pac always delivered. However since Killah Priest’s “Heavy Mental” from 1996, the Marshall Mather LP’s albums and JJ Doom’s “Bookhead EP” A LOT has changed. The beats have mutated from “a solid, old funk beat” to “rattling machine drum hihats and half time kicks” or “straight up electro”.

One of the things that hasn’t changed a lot is that mainstream hip hop still sucks. Kanye West is doing some dope things and I want to admire him as an artist but Kanye as a person is keeping me from it. Eminem hasn’t released a decent album in god knows how long. Lil’ Uzi Vert is terrible and Lil’ Pump is not even a joke but a meme.

However, one name that interested me was Kendrick Lamar. Critics and audiences have hailed him as one of the greats in the genre and his sales are through the roof, YouTuber The Rap Critic did interesting reviews of his songs “Humble” and “Swimming Pools” and he released a new album in 2017. So obviously I gave in to my curiosity and checked out “Damn”.

First thing that struck me, were the strong hooks and the bouncy production. Instrumentation wise, it is fresh, maybe not all that revolutionary but still solid and more experimental than your average pop banger with original arrangements and unpredicatable song structure. The gueststars are on point. For example I’ve never liked Rihanna’s music or her image but on “Loyalty” she is very, very good. Same for U2. Tolerated their old stuff, felt indifferent about their output of the last 10 years or so but liked them on “XXX”.

Then I listened to it again with the lyrics.

It sort of shocked me to hear how much Lamar raps about loneliness, even abandonment. One of the lines that pops up every now and then over the entire course of the album is “ain’t nobody praying for me”. That sentiment resonates through “Loyalty” and reprimands the others by asking for what they live. To whom have they sworn loyalty? In “Love” Lamar asks his love interest if she would still love him if he wasn’t successful or if she will stick by him while he pursues his ambitions. Sincere sentiments.

Of course, other things that never change about hip hop are the often misogynist lines and bragging. The line “If I gotta go hard on a bitch, I'ma make it look sexy” from “Element” still doesn’t sit right with me and shall we talk about “Humble” and the point where Lamar brags “If I quit this season, I still be the greatest, funk”?

It’s a bit of a shame because otherwise this would have a solid LP that could compete with my favourite albums, now he seems to contradict himself at certain points and I have very little tolerance for that. Especially when he does it in the course of one song, namely “XXX”. Then again in “DNA”, he says that “I got power, poison, pain and joy inside my DNA, I got hustle though, ambition, flow, inside my DNA”. Just to say I might get something wrong.

When Lamar hits with a good track however, he doesn’t miss the mark. “Fear” is a piece that describes how fear gets instated and how it will afterwards dictate the rest of your life. Even after having played it half a dozen times, it still sends chills down my spines.

“Lust” is another great song with a massive message against political apathy, i.e. stop thinking with your genitals and let’s get wise.

But the one track that takes the cake and the b*tch who made it is “Feel”. Not only is Lamar’s flow on fire, I like to think that this is where you hear him at his purest. The thoughts jump out of his head through his mouth, he feels lonely, he feels empty, angry at everybody and nobody, paranoid even. Do you know that feeling where you don’t want to admit that you need somebody but at the same time feel like crashing in somebody’s arms? That anger that serves as a shield, to hide yourself and push everybody around you away? That is “Feel”.

“Damn” might come over as a record with a lot of bravoure and arrogance and for a large part that’s true since bravoure and arrogance are trademarks of hip hop but at the same time, it is also an emotional record where the cockyness partially shrouds emotional voids that no money, fancy cars or casual pussy can hide.

In 2017 hip hop is bigger than ever, Kendrick Lamar has proven to be a huge and important name in that scene but I’m curious to his next record and whether or not he will deliver his pièce de résistance.

Ivo VirusWithShoes

Sorry, Kendrick, we are atheists and don’t pray for anybody. However, we will listen to your music. http://www.kendricklamar.com/music

#Metalhead listens to hip hop #kendrick lamar #damn #late review #We pray for nobody #hip hop is music too

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roatsww · 6 years ago

Text

A Whisper In The Wind

I do not understand, my voice, my prayers, my entreaties go un-heard, and without answer, Why?

I dread opening a news-paper, I fear switching on the television, I even avoid looking at what has been posted on my Facebook feed, because I hear it, I see it, and then I feel it!

Headline: Swiss Girl Raped To Death By Muslim, and even when she was dead, he continued raping her. I feel her fear, I see her pain, and I know her horror, because I have lived it.

Headline: Farm Murders...... Racist Slogan shouted out by ANC Leader...... “Kill the farmer, Kill the Boer”... I see the horror, I see the fear and anguish, because I live it!

I see the woman, pregnant and drunk lying passed out beside the road, her toddler trying desperately to raise her.... I see the fear; I see the bewilderment, because I have lived it!

Can anybody ever understand, why I feel that I am about to step off of the cross, why I feel that God has abandoned the world, why I feel that God has turned a deaf ear to my prayers? Can anyone ever understand the anguish at my inner turmoil? Can anyone ever understand my feelings of helplessness, and my loneliness of carrying the storms of other people’s lives inside of me? I feel other people’s lives, because I have lived their lives, I have walked the streets of the dying, at a time before ARV’s, when I would go to those who were dying just to hold their hands, so that they wouldn’t face the fear of dying alone. I have walked the hills and valleys of a cholera epidemic to be with the people, so that they wouldn’t feel alone when their loved ones were dying of a disease for which they had no understanding.

I see them the suicide bombers and/or gunmen, walking into public places and indiscriminately killing innocent people, I see them the politician’s, inciting racism and xenophobia, I see them the so-called leaders of the community calling on their followers to commit wanton destruction and murder, it makes me want to lock myself in my home and hide myself from the world, but, I cannot, because there is no escape from reality.

I see a world that I dearly love, being destroyed a little bit every day, and I do not understand it, the world is being destroyed by the winds of hate!

I ask myself how do I live in this world gone mad, how do I protect both the strength and the fragility that is me, How do I do it alone with a heart and a soul that have grown weary of seeing, hearing and feeling so much of the pain that the world has to offer, without having any-one to carry the burden with me, yes I still battle with God on a daily basis, that He has let me carry everything alone, without some-one to walk by my side and ease that which I see and feel so deeply?

How do I make my voice heard, when it is nothing more than a silent whisper in the winds of hate and agony?

I can only think of one thing, and that is to try not to fall off the cross, because Jesus left us the following:

“Love one another, as I have loved you!”

I can only plead, that every-one:

“Reach out and touch some-body, with just a little bit of love”

Perhaps these are just the ramblings of a fool, but, if that be the case, then this fool is tired of walking through the winds of hate. --- Michael Drysdale

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stitchedhart · 8 years ago

Photo

I’ve been meaning to write my grief journal since that day i lost my husband. I did want to document every pain I’ve felt with his passing. But attempting it every time is just like stabbing my own heart with a double edged knife. I didn’t have the courage to do it then. Every time i rewind the events before and after his death i bawl my eyes out in tears. Sadness succumb my whole being..so much that it hurts i wanted to die in an instant. Everyone says I’m strong..that I’ll be fine in no time..but damn, i think im a big coward. I was afraid to accept the fact that my husband has gone too soon. I was afraid to face the realities after his death. I was afraid to think about the future. And most of all i was afraid to think that my children will grow up without a father. My fears are bigger now than ever before, not for myself but for my children. They are just too young to be fatherless. Too innocent to understand the hullabaloos of life. I am not ready for this, neither my children or anybody else. Its all too sudden..too soon!

Face it. Feel it. Deal with it. Be strong. You can do it. Move on. Forgive and forget. Get a new life.

It’s always easier said than done. It’s true that the longer you allow your self to be lonely and feeling the pain over a loss, a defeat or failure makes you a weak person. But it’s not bad to be weak sometimes. I think its a measure of how you become stronger! How far you can go or how you live by the pain and hurt. However, how do you know if you are ready to tell your story and people want to hear it over and over. Most likely it is the hardest and most intense part of the grief journey… Keep telling your story and find safe places where you have permission to grieve without pressure.

After my husband’s death, i really didn’t want to think or to talk to anyone about it, how it feels..how pain is eating every fiber of my being.. i just wanted to be alone..i just wanted to sleep, sleep and sleep! The longer the better, saves me from feeling the most arduous feeling ever. It was my way of coping up. I didn’t want to think about all the happenings from way back when he was still alive neither do i want to think of the present. Least, to think of the future without him in the picture anymore.

Whenever someone asks me how are you, are you ok?! It weighs me down more, because I don’t have an answer, i dont know if there’s an answer to that question in my grieving state. There are these moments when i feel nothing, theres a void in my being that no one can fill it up.

Empty. Hollow.

photo ctto @destinyblue

I hope that the people around me understand that I didn’t choose to feel empty. And people who feel empty inside would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. At least I’d have an answer everytime people would ask me if im ok.

I hope everyone understands that saying “Don’t be sad.” will only make me want to cry more. I hope they get to know that healing is hard to do. I hope they’d understand that maybe a hug or a “Soon, it will all be well” will do.

But I keep telling myself that like all other times, that this too will pass ..maybe soon. Someday.

But still..

I think about him constantly. Every fucking day and night. From the moment my eyes open in the morning till it closes at night. I even want him to be in my dreams.

I wonder what life would be like if he is still alive. I imagine all of the things he’d say on a daily basis. Over the phone, Skype or Facebook messenger. I imagine all the nagging he does during wee hours when he sees me still online.

I miss him all the time. I miss him so much that my heart hurts. My heart literally clenches tightly when I think about him, i could hardly breath. As though it’s trying to hold itself together while my thoughts try and tear it apart.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds but, it seems as though time just provided me with needle and thread that ill have to sew back the broken pieces and it rips again every time i am hurt and shatters into fragments.

photo ctto @destinyblue

I know he’d hate it, but I still cry for him. (he hates crying). I still sit up at night and wish that he’s still having a nice time with his friends drinking and having a little party in our backyard. I wish he’s alive and be in bed at home with our children. I wish I’d still wake each morning to his “good morning maydarling” and sleep with his “goodnight baket” along with all the heart stickers and virtual hugs and kisses he sends over facebook chat. I still talk to him in my mind and ask him for advice everytime im confuse. I still talk to his photo and gets angry for leaving me and our children that soon. And for leaving me mountains of unanswered questions.

I can’t help but want him alive, nagging, furious, hard headed or sweet. I cant help but want him in all his shape and shades. Life has moved on but my heart and emotions haven’t. I can’t move on from all the good memories..from all that he was.. I miss him badly. I usually stay up late at night until the wee hours reminiscing the good old days…browsing my photo gallery for all the photos ive saved for the last few years ive been away from them. I keep looking at all the happy photos we had when im on my annual R&R. It sends tears to my eyes and brings loneliness to my broken heart. I go to slumber with a heavy heart.

I need him but he’s gone and he won’t never come back. His memory is all I have left. So, I’ll keep it alive and never make it fade.

I will carry him in my heart wherever I go in life. I will ask God to have him as my guardian angel and ask Him to send him in my dreams every time i sleep.. if that’s what it takes to keep him with me.

I know that he is up there watching over me and our children. I know he looks down and keeps guard over us..as he used to do when he was still alive.

I can only hope that I’m making him proud. With the way ive handled things when he left. With the way i love our children even from miles away. With the way i became strong and independent. I can only hope that I’m what he imagined I’d be in life. I can only hope that he’s smiling at me and not up there shaking his head with his half grin half annoyed face and the infamous “tsk! tsk!”

I won’t hope that he misses me as much as I miss him, because missing him is painful. I wish i am kissing him right now instead of missing him! Because if only missing someone could kill, i should have been long decaying 6 feet below the ground.

I luvUmuch Lakay.

And I miss you more each day….

#grief and loss #winding road #solitude #fragments #tears in heaven #my hubby #my love #soulmates #memories

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