#Do u get what I mean tho like what I'm getting at? Its OK to just be a hater i do it too but dont become an anti intellectual about it

[spyroz]

Ironically, my tumblr dashboard's tendency to go fully and exclusively hater mode about fandom-related written works (claiming they're depthless and artless or universally/sweepingly stupid) is just as anti-intellectual as people who blindly consume media without thinking about what it means

If you Only focus on negative aspects of critique of this kind of fan work, and don't recognize the deeper symbolism or introspective qualities of the work and what it might be trying to say about the world, or even why the author might find meaning in things you find strange or off-putting, then you've effectively done the same thing as the guy who swears marvel movies are the best media of all time

[louisjude]

I feel like atp even if there were plans to make bvddie canon theyre gone now. if tim minear is even half as petty as I am he would see that reaction and go u know what fuck you u actually don't get what you want now cause ur acting so goddamn entitled. like when tarlos fans got mad about the deleted scenes instead of appreciating them being released and his reaction was to say "okay fine then I just won't release deleted scenes anymore" (like I'm sure it was mostly a marketing decision but part of me thinks they intentionally released a scene about bucktommy just to prove a point.) idk man it's just really upsetting as a bi man to see the absolutely vile shit bvddie stans are saying and even tho I love the ship I now never want it to go canon cause they've fuckin ruined it

hey anon, at first let me agree with the fact that i do in fact also love bvddie a lot and i still love reading fics for them, the edits of them are fantastic and the fanart is S tier. it’s a great pairing with a lot of potential there IF the writers decided to ever go there but…

huge answer below

yeah, i agree. i honestly think before tommy was introduced again in 7x03 and the kiss in 7x04 that in my brain, bvddie was the most logical endgame for buck until it wasn’t.

i came into the show shipping bvddie much like a lot of new fans to the show but instead of hopping onto the tommy anti express hate train i found myself falling in love with buck and tommy together. at first i was still on board with bvddie still being endgame but as each episode aired after 7x04 i became faced with the reality of the situation (at least the way i see it) that bvddie might always be fanon and that’s ok because fandom keeps ships alive whether they’re canon or not. some of the biggest ships EVER are non-canon (i mean, cmon spirk? one of the OG MM ships?) so it didn’t really deter me from enjoying bvddie to this day. what HAS deterred me from interacting with bvddie content is toxic bvddies. i don’t like using the lil nicknames, idc if other ppl do, whatever, but i prefer just referring to certain kinds as just toxic plain and simple.

toxic shippers have made it difficult for anyone who multiships to interact with bvddie content. while there are incredibly nice & welcoming bvddie endgamers out there, it doesn’t overshadow the hateful ones in my online experience at least. i’ve blocked so many ppl over this ship discourse, which ive never had to do with any other fandom before the extent i have with 911. everyday i still find new ppl to block, you go under almost any comment section on the 911 insta and its filled with nasty comments abt tommy and only caring abt whether bvddie will be canon in s8. people projecting their hatred of tommy/lou onto the cast/crew of the show when it’s be said and proven time and time again that it’s quite the opposite. now im certain there’s bad apples in the bucktommy side as well, but from what ive seen online so far it is not nearly to the caliber of the bvddie side. ive blocked maybe a handful of bucktommy’s for being hateful towards eddie or being toxic overall, but ive probably blocked over 100+ toxic bvddies. i can only imagine it’d be worse if i was active on 911 twt which i’m not (thank god) but i have ventured into the tags before on there and let me tell you, it’s fucking horrifying how gross ppl are over there. twt is a cesspool for fandom anyways tho, the fucking asshole of fandom, it’s a septic tank really.

now im my own opinion which could be completely untrue of course, but just basing my thoughts on what i’ve seen online and interviews and such, tim seems to be really happy about bucktommy and idk how ppl believe otherwise. tim has expressed he loves LFJ and wanted him back on the show. tim showed up on set for the kiss scene. tim posting an entire youtube vibe abt bucktommy being soulmates that touches on the invisible string theory and explains how they accidentally found buck’s perfect match. tim sharing the deleted tommy scene is also huge but im waiting to see if he releases more (because i remember seen somewhere that he said there’d be more?) and if he does then great but it’s also still pretty telling to me after the whole karaoke fiasco.

oliver has said nothing but praises towards buck’s queer storyline. he quite literally said if you dont like it then watch something else. despite ppl saying he’s never interacted with bucktommy content online, that’s a lie because he has liked fanart of them.

aisha, kenneth & tracie have all expressed how they like tommy/lou and love working with him.

jlh said she loved bvddie before but is excited to see where buck and tommy go and then on an insta live said she doesn’t think bvddie is happening and was bombarded by toxic fans to the point of ending the live early.

ppl think it’s all some ruse to make it seem like bvddie is never happening so when it does happen it’s a “surprise” ……..

the nasty hate comments are doing nothing but exposing these types of ppl for who they are and that honestly to them, 911 is just the bvddie show to them. the people who run these social media accs for 911 are looking at these comments and cringing, they aren’t running to tim and abc being like “we must give these crazies what they want!” they’re mostly likely being ignored or honestly, as you said, being looked at and just reinforcing their decision to most likely make tommy buck’s endgame so as long as his schedule is open for filming.

what gets me the most about the hate these types of shippers spew online is how they aren’t embarrassed because they are so sooo convinced they will be right one day and therefore their insane, nasty behavior online will be justified. oliver stark literally left twt because of fans like this, people act like he was joking around, that he was shooting the shit probably because “he’s british and british people just have that kind of humor” which yes to a certain extent but let me just add these posts to set an example to why if oliver were still on twt he absolutely would not be happy with the way toxic bvddies are acting right now.

oliver (and ryan&other cast too) being positive abt bvddie never meant it was going to be canon of become canon one day. they do not decide these things, whether they believe it should or not. a lot of bvddie shippers come from previous fandoms where queerbaiting was there, where they were made fun of by actors of their ships, by the creators of the show! so i understand the frustration but oliver is not queerbaiting and buck is not a queerbait character when he quite literally is now confirmed bisexual and in a relationship with a man.

he’s just not the “correct” queer to these people. despite headcanons (hell even i hc eddie as queer!!) eddie so far, in canon, is not queer. by the end s7 he is still shown to not be over shannon and ruins his relationship with his son over this. ryan has stated in interviews he sees eddie as heterosexual, possibly pushing this because of the influx of ship discourse, and he’s glad to see a vulnerable and deep friendship that buck and eddie can have as a straight man and a queer man and how important he thinks it is.

every single thing that points to bvddie never going canon is like they’re being shot point blank in the chest. i get it, your ship not becoming canon sucks, but again, that is what fandom is for! shipping has never been about how canon smth is, there is 20k fics out there for bvddie and they aren’t canon. they can turn that into 40k, 100k, 1M if they really wanted to! instead they use their time and energy posting death threats, wishing death upon a gay character, bullying ppl online for enjoying a ship.

meanwhile from what ive seen bucktommys are rolling with goofy ass spy tommy theories created by antis and making jokes for our own fun.

so yes, i agree overall. they truly don’t deserve what they think they do. we didn’t whine and scream for a deleted scene. they did. we got ours without even expecting it and are having fun.

maybe if they behaved better i wouldn’t be so petty abt it. it’s a shame because of how much potential it has, unfortunately it is just not going that way atm. and even if it does one day, it is not because they paraded online with hate, it is because that’s the story tim and the others wanted to write and abc approved it.

🫳🎤

[sexydoffyman]

OMG HIHI OK SORRY FOR MY LIKE REALLY HYPER BEHAVIOR HUT IM WHIPPED FOR THIS SERIES 2 OMGG PLSS MAKE MOREE

😍

FOR PART 3 LIKE UH I DONT HAVE ANYTHING SPECIFIC IN MIND BUT U COULD MAKE IT LIKE A COURTING HC BUT ITS UP TO U BECAUSE WE EATING THIS SHIT UP FR

FIGHTING OVER YOU P3

navigation

p1 p2 p3

genre: romance?

characters: Ghost, Soap, König

A/N: I'm so sorry. I tried to research what courting means and, yes, I know you told me. English is not my first language.🦀 I'm falling asleep as I'm writing this lmao.

artist @ave661 check their stuff out, my fellow humans!

When you catch on that they are following you around constantly, you decide to talk a little with them.

You met Soap the other day and immediately went to strike up a conversation.

"Sup Soap!"

Soap will turn around to face you so fast.

He looks like a puppy waiting for its owner to play with it.

It's adorable.

His eyes just light up. You finally recognised his existence.

He wouldn't even respond right away. He'd just look at you. Love overfilling his eyes.

He just looks so comfortable.

Now Ghost is always near Soap, so when he hears your voice, he's there in a matter of seconds.

You know the meme "He's pretty" "And you're ugly. Now let's get to work."

Yeah, that is basically what happens.

They don't even notice König lurking behind the corner.

He was waiting for Ghost to get Soap away from you. Now he has you all to himself.

You turn around to go to wherever when you meet yourself with Königs chest.

You really have to look up at him.

He smiles. You can't see it, but he smiles.

He just waves at you like he isn't a threat to society.

You also smile at him.

Now König is a little older, so he knows how to keep his shit together.

Now switching back to your POV.

Soap just got taken away from you. And you have another opportunity to talk to one of them.

"Hey König!"

"Hallo M/N (male name)"

"You really fucked them up last mission." You told him, trying to make small talk.

He appreciates that you pronounced his name correctly. A thing that happens very rarely to him.

He turned around and looked back at you "You wanna-"

BANG

Before he could even finish a heavy shoe smacked into his face.

You quickly realised that Ghost took care of another simp. Who was going to get rid of him tho?

Price.

Our g'ol captain Price is ready to put all of them to their senses.

Slapping Soap on the back of his head and pulling Ghost off of Soap.

It was hard for him to get Soap out of Ghost's chokehold. But he managed to do it.

It's Price, after all.

He scolded all of them while you couldn't stop chucking in the corner.

"Leave them to me Price. You've tortured them enough."

All three of them look up at you, to which Price can only laugh.

"That might work just the best. Don't let them tear you apart!" He said as he left the room.

p4 a little date with the trio?

[aezuria]

hiii i love ur writing sm!! i was wondering if u would do leo valdez x reader headcanons? ty!!!

*ੈ✎ keep your head still, i'll be your thrill

—all the small things, blink-182

content: leo valdez x reader

warnings: cursing again

librarian's annotations: the title has no connection to the hcs but it came up while i was writing this also IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER 🙏🙏🙏

super clingy i do not make the rules

oh you thought you were gonna get up and be productive?? not today!

fuck everyone else tbh

LOVEEES gossip sessions with u

hes so invested in all the drama u have

probably laying on his stomach and swinging his feet and gasping incredulously. "what!? no she did not..."

got very pouty that you did not invite him to the girls night bc he didnt want to "miss out on the tea" (lwk stealing from my own work oops)

who can blame him tbh

LOVE LOVES DANCING

loves teaching u too (even if u suck)

like imagine him holding your waist and moving you to the beat as you fumble along, his chest pressed up against your own

GOOD LORD

"forward, back, left- there you go," he murmured into your ear, looking down at your feet. you stepped on his shoes a lot more than you should've; did he ever think that his proximity was why you were messing up!?

"you suck at this, don't you?" he laughed, but twirled you around anyway.

"did you ever think you're just a shit teacher?"

"rude!"

also this man was born a star

can probably hit super high notes as if its nothing

ok so we all know how hes a genius right

oh my GOD imagine him explaining how his stuff works and using words you're sure don't even exist and he's so into it and he just sounds so SMART

intelligence is so attractive why does no one talk abt that

you wanted to watch him work on the engine, so you pulled up a stool next to him. you stared at his side, his tank top dirty with grease and sticky with sweat. how long had he been working since you got here?

you'd get mad at him for not taking a break later. right now? you were admiring the view. who wouldn't?

"hey leo?"

he hummed in response, still hyper-focused on the engine.

"how does all that work, exactly?" you were never one for machines—good thing you have a mechanic boyfriend!

he looks to you, a happy glimmer in his eyes. "you really wanna know? so basically— this part connects to that part and then..."

you don't know how long you've been zoned out, too busy staring at his perfect

"y/n?" he finally realizes you haven't been paying attention. "you with me, now?" he raises an eyebrow with a grin on his face.

"huh? what?" you straightened up, fumbling over your words. "yeah! why wouldn't i be?" you tried to act as if you weren't just ogling him seconds before.

"oh y'know.. cause you were checking me out." he winked, leaning back against the engine as he put himself on display. "i mean, you obviously couldn't help it. i mean, look at me!"

someone humble him

its not like he doesn't do the same tho

if he accidentally walks in on you he'd be like "oh my gods-! sorry!" and cover his eyes with his hands, but his fingers are parted so he could still look through. literally the 🫣 emoji

"GET OUT!"

"OKAY I'M GOING DON'T HIT ME- OW!"

he is SUPER ticklish and you WILL use this to your advantage

esp his ears

one time you touched them out of curiosity cause theyre pointer than average and he was like "eek!"

pause

"aww i didn't know you could make that sound!" you poked some more fun at him because that was adorable

"shut up!"

another time he's laying on you, ruining your plans of getting up early and being active. you tried rolling out from underneath him but his arms snake around you like a vice, squeezing a groan out of you.

"leo get off!" you tried shoving him off, but that didn't work either. he simply buried his face into your neck, mumbling a tired no.

you really had shit to do, so you resorted to the last possible tactic. "i didn't wanna have to do this..." you warned. (you so wanted to do this)

you slipped your hands under his shirt and started tickling his stomach, effectively getting him writhing off you with laughter.

"stop-! that tickles!" he tried doing the same back, but he was squirming far too much.

ok real talk now

love loves staying up late with you until its past midnight and you guys are just rambling about random topics. he's just so relaxed with you, his heart feels so full and there's no space anymore, so his bottled up emotions spill out

which is usually a closely-guarded secret because he's just the funny guy of the group, right?

what does he know about feelings? isn't it his job to just keep everyone else happy? joking about everything will take away the pain, won't it?

(it doesn't)

"i don't know, i just- feel like i don't really fit in with everyone. they all have these cool powers, and i'm just.. me." he laughed dryly, face devoid of his usual happiness as he stared at the ceiling. "sometimes, i feel like you could do so much better. but at the same time?" his voice lowered as he rolled onto his side, staring into your eyes. "i want to keep you to myself. i really, really don't want to lose you."

you were glad he finally opened up to you, but your heart ached at the way he thought of himself. how could he not see how highly everyone thought of him, especially you?

"just you? leo, you're the coolest person i know. you're so, so smart, you can fix just about anything, you're funny, you're kind, you can cook; what's not to love?" you smiled softly. you could go on and on about this man. for him to think that he was the lucky one? it was quite the opposite.

"and you don't have to worry," you whispered, cuddling closer to him and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. "i'll always be with you."

[lilac-den]

Ok. So... You know that the fandom exist an au call Actor AU right? If the TSR ROs are all actors, how would they be?

A...Actor AU...? 😶 I'm not gonna lie, I am so clueless on this part. But from what I looked up, it tells of characters actually being actors who play in a movie, series, etc...?

So if u mean how the ROs are like if they were actors of TSR... 🤔 I'll answer, but I can imagine the casts all becoming pretty good friends cuz of how well the chemistry is.

Maverick: Still pretty stone-faced/hard to read but by then, his fellow cast members (mainly Rydigan, Ittania, Enid and MC) would have catch hints of how to read him. His parents r still horrible, but in the Actor AU, they're probably separated and he has already cut ties from them.

In his romance tho, he would probably stare at MC a lot, side-eying and taking glances. The crew would probs comment how Maverick is a lot more intense and focused when its scenes between just him and MC...

Rydigan: Even off screen, he's the life of the party and the one who remembers each and every crew members' names. If it isn't his charming smile people fawn for, it's his cheery personality. Wouldn't surprise me if he got the acting gig cuz he was scouted randomly on the street. He's also the one who would probs suggest hanging out together, cementing the bond between the little group.

In his romance, he would try to chat with MC and the crew would note how Rydigan just instinctively knew which direction MC comes from or when MC would arrive on set.

Ittania: She's the one most excited about the role - it's her first big role, but she has done a lot of voice acting and cameo/background roles. Lots of people sees her as a cool, big sister type while others can't help but notice her due to the energy she radiates. Some of the crew and her agency are a little protective tho, given her naive and oblivious nature.

In her romance, she'd be the first one putting an arm around MC's shoulder and greeting her really casually and closely. She'd want to hang out with MC and even ask them if they're down to practice their lines together to better prepare the scenes they have together. Might ask MC if they want to do some voice acting with her too, like a collab.

Enid: She's a very high-demand actress. The crew are surprised the directors and producers even managed to get her to accept the role offer. She's very diligent and doesn't like to make mistakes. She's a bit tough to befriend, but Maverick, Rydigan and Ittania got through her icy exterior. With MC, she'd thought MC might just be a newbie who got lucky until she had a scene with them or she saw how they acted out the scene of the Prologue (the one with the apartment). She's impressed by how much anguish MC managed to act and thus, her opinion of them improved (she refuses to admit that this was the moment she started being their fan).

In her romance, she'd be pretty tough on MC but not out of malice. She has seen how rough the acting world can be and while the gang provides helpful advice, she brings out the harsher criticism. Like how MC's body language isn't portraying right or how they're too casual instead of awkward for a scene about discomfort, little stuff like that. But on rough days, like if MC mess up big time, she'd stay near them and just be that comforting presence before passing a coffee can to MC, a silent way of cheering them up.

Bonus

Sylphina: MC's manager who got roped into the role because the director saw how she behaves with MC and just went "You'll do!" She didn't want to at first, but ended up relenting at MC's request.

Ben: One of the most well-known actors in the industry, a very A-list actor. Is probably the one who dragged recruited MC into the acting business, especially having them join the same agency as zim.

Thank you for the ask, anon!

[yanderefarm]

no i actually thought about it. Like

7 days a week right. So if each gets a day alone with you then that means you have 4 days left to rest/ be shared along the brothers. Im thinking of rest days every in between. And I'm thinking of a pretty dominant reader who can take good care of the illads and take control of the situation. Like if ares gets out of hand then reader would be the one to step up. I'm thinking reader's ultimate punishment would be his disappointment and his silence. I think he'd have all of them agree on something (discussed by all 4 ofc) and he'll stick to it.

Like if ares keeps forgetting about the brothers he'll try to remind ares about taking care of the brothers would make him really happy and he'll reward ares with a good time when it's his turn.

Ajax, he can continue working i think but i personally like the fact that ares gets so defensive about how he doesn't love you if he does (i agree ngl) so like ajax would probably try to keep it in his pants, or use toys instead, or opt for a hotel? Achilles... Oh my sweet baby. He's so stressed out and the most responsible and submissive one actually i like him a lot. Whenever it's his time you pamper him but then you get so rough with him to fuck all the stress away it's like it's worth it stressing himself worrying about you and his brothers as long as you're happy and that you wont leave him.

Reader would try to not show any favoritism (might be hard because the only sane one is like, achilles) but i think one of the rules reader would put up is "whoever behaves the best within the week gets an extra day" And to pick, he'll have to state facts (so no misunderstandings can happen)

damn u really do have it all planned out. 7 days tho that means technically they could each get 2 days with one day for rest.

also ajax is willing to change the type of content he makes for his darling!! he would ask you to make content with him and if that wasn't an option its solos and jois only.

ares would definitely get used to taking care of everyone with these rules. like he does love his brothers he's just salty. with routine and schedules i think he could get into the swing of his usual housewife self, cooking, cleaning, etc.

you would have to make sure that you were able to attend to one of his drops though. like! he gets really insecure about himself and about your love for him and he needs reassurance or he'll very quickly spiral out of control. so you would have to sometimes drop whatever you're doing even with someone else to give him his reassurance to keep him from going off the deep end.

i can't see the other two minding this? like ajax is most likely to comment but he's not gonna actually complain. them being brothers comes in handy here because they do really care about each other and they know what the others need to be ok.

well except when it comes to achilles. i think you would kind of have to tell the other two about your night job at some point. and i think this is the one time in his life ares is not jealous of someone getting extra time with you. he's just like "oh ok. sure. please try not to make too much noise and be back by dinner time."

ares is the only one who is not a masochist.

ajax would be kind of curious and wanna see your stuff but like idk how curious he would get.

in this dynamic i also see achilles being the main breadwinner in the house, you don't have to work anymore if you don't want to. you just gotta greet your wives with kisses whenever one of them gets home.

[reallyhatethiswebsite]

OK OK HEAR ME OUT, tav/reader/whatev and haarlep tormenting raphael.. bonus points if reader is his own warlock. and by "tormenting" i mean tying him up and double teaming him :3 what does he have horns for if not to be used as handlebars...also i think haarlep would enjoy oral from him if not just for the power dynamic. bc raphael only cares about his own pleasure so why would he give them oral.

bonus bonus points if aftercare cuddles!! being half human i think he would yearn for non sexual physical touch but in a sick and twisted and evil way. but he would be too embarrassed to ask for anything like that. he is like a cat. I want to see him give in to the dark side... (receive cuddles) (even tho he doesnt deserve it)

i imagined this as reader/tav having a wiener/strap and being nonbinary (toootally not my own tav haha whatttt) but id love to see what u decide to write if you want to make anything out of this idea!!

gn tav, he/him for haarlep

-

“So…what are we thinking?” The demon croons. He's a wicked creature. Tav can only dream about reaching that level of dark allure one day. Haarlep's claws drag ever so gently up Raphael’s thick, naked thigh as he circles the bed like a predator toying with its food. The muscles beneath Raphael's ribbed cherry-red skin are taut with tension. The devil's expression is molten, either with desire or burning rage – likely both. “He's been very well-behaved, but I still want to play a little more…”

On their haunches at the foot of the bed, Tav observes their Patron. Raphael is spread out across his own silk red sheets, infernal rope around his wrists and ankles. Sweat dampens his temples, broad hairy chest, and strong shoulders. His cock strains, stiff and weeping, between his legs. His tail thumps. This isn't the first time Tav has witnessed him debauched in such a way. Far from it, now that they've been included in the devil's naughty games. Raphael’s sexual appetite was a surprise, but not unwelcome.

Sometimes you just want to get fucked really hard, a wise man once said. Tav hopes Astarion is doing well.

“You've played enough,” Raphael growls. He tests the strength of the bonds holding him. It's mostly for show. He could easily free himself if he wanted to. That, Tav thinks, is part of the thrill. Raphael is a magnanimous and generous enough master to allow his pets their fun. That he receives worship and satisfaction in return is surely just a bonus.

“Oh, but we haven't,” says Haarlep, pouts his lips. He crawls onto the bed up near Raphael's head, trailing his hands down his borrowed bare body. Squeezes his borrowed cock. Raphael inhales sharply. The incubus in his shared skin smiles. “I'm all hot and bothered, you see. Your little mouse is, too. We want to enjoy ourselves.”

Haarlep isn't wrong. Tav's been aroused and aching since they started. Raphael always makes them feel wild and out of control of their body. Something the devil likes to take advantage of sometimes. Tav says nothing, though. They like Haarlep (a lot) but Raphael is the fount of their power, and Tav is a good, obedient little warlock. Mostly.

“Do not forget your place, Haarlep,” Raphael snaps. “You are to serve me, not the other way around.”

“I could hardly forget when you make me wear your skin all the time,” says Haarlep, airy, unconcerned. He absently rubs his hands over his own chest, plucking his nipples with a serene smile. Raphael hisses. His poor nipples are deliciously sore, overstimulated, fat and hard just like his cock where his pets have been toying with them. “But that does pose an interesting question for me. Since I’m in your form, and you’re the master of the house…doesn’t that make me the master, too?”

“That is not how this works and you know it,” Raphael scoffs, almost amused. Until Haarlep presses the pad of one clawed finger into his cock’s tiny slit, drawing forth a sticky string of precum. Tav hungrily watches the incubus rub that glob of cum between his fingers and thumb, then stick them in his mouth to lewdly suck them clean. Raphael watches, too, jaw clenched. Haarlep smiles. He adores attention.

“Oh, but I think it might,” he says, wetly smacking his lips. “I think, when you’re laid out like this, drenched in lust and desperate for release…you are in my domain, and I am absolutely the master here. Fitting that I wear your skin, I suppose, though I’d hardly need it to take you apart. Isn’t that right, Mousie?”

“Uh, well…” Tav fumbles, unprepared for being put on the spot. Haarlep laughs, a little cruelly.

“Not a thought in that sweet, empty head of yours, is there? I’d say it’s because you’re so loaded up on my venom, but we both know you don’t need it to start falling all over yourself for me. Ah, and for our true master, of course.” Though Tav squirms, they aren’t really ashamed. The incubus speaks the truth, and they’ve long-since learned to come to terms with it. Being in the Hells, being a warlock of Raphael specifically, has done wonders for their inner hedonist. Haarlep’s tail sways lazily to and fro. He’s clearly having a fantastic time. He doesn’t get to indulge like this too often.

“Haarlep,” Raphael barks. Tests the bonds again. Their infernal runes flare.

“Someone’s getting impatient,” Haarlep says to Tav, who grins. The demon leans down to catch Raphael’s mouth in a filthy kiss, forked tongues entwining. As they kiss, they bite and snarl like the hellish creatures they are, and Tav stares, mouth dry, heat pulsing between their thighs and in their belly.

Watching these two handsome fiends carnally feast on each other is one of the most erotic things they’ve ever seen. They crush their legs together, flush with desire. They think they might understand why Raphael enjoys watching his pets kiss and fondle each other the same way. Of course they know Haarlep is also doing this to load Raphael up on aphrodisiac. It makes their master much looser with his inhibitions, allowing him to deny culpability if pressed (the sex pollen made him do it!) He’s already been dosed, but Raphael’s tolerance for incubus spit is high. Tav knows when it hits him because they see the devil’s dick twitch, a fresh pearl of cum ooze from his little hole and dribble down his ribbed cock. Tav can’t resist; they crawl on hands and knees to lick up that hot, salty trickle of cum. Raphael’s cock is warm and unyielding under Tav’s tongue and he jerks his hips, groaning into the humid cavern of Haarlep’s mouth. Haarlep breaks their noisy, violent kiss to tut at Tav.

“Couldn’t help yourself, could you?” He coos, condescending. A thin ribbon of bloody saliva still connects his lips to Raphael’s, the devil looking wrecked already. Cheeks dark with blush, pupils wide. He pants for breath, fangs shining, expression stormy. Haarlep strokes one claw along the edge of Raphael’s harsh cheekbone, smirking at the way the devil unconsciously leaned into the touch. “That’s alright. I want to use his pretty mouth in other ways. What do you think, Mousie? Should I stuff my cock down his throat? Or should I make him put that silver tongue to use and lick my cunt until I come all over his face?”

Both are amazing possibilities. Which one should Tav choose?

[one-strugling-bean]

So.

I finished the 4th season (MAG #160)

......I'm unwell

(part 3 of my Magnus Archives experience)

Ahhhhh where do i even start???? Ok, ok I think I'll start with the lesser things

First off, right off the bat, RIP Tim. More than ever, now I know he didn't have to die and I am so so sad he did..... Flirty boi deserved so much better u^u

Martin collected many moments of badassery throughout the 3rd and 4th seasons. Im so proud of his growth. Not him burning statements and snipping back at Elias - ahhhhhh he was so coooool, I wish someone else was there so that they could tell him! And when he made Fairchild sit back down to finish answering Martin's questions, I swear I got chills!!

Anyway. I continue being a fierce Martin fan, nothing new there

What is new is my newfound adoration for Daisy. Seriously. She's my baby now. Idc what happens or who dies, she needs to end this story okay :'))))

No, im 200% serious, if Daisy doesn't survive to the end, im def going to cry. Because i can totally see her being the "sacrifice herself so that everyone else will have a chance" type.

I swear she was the only one holding the brain cell power this season –  and FINALLY, someone who's not Martin is not being a bitch to Jon!!!

I wasn’t even expecting Jon to be able to bring her back. Much less for them to become supportive avatar besties! I’m so glad the writer decided to take that turn with her. It’s really satisfying from a narrative standpoint to have Daisy of all people do a whole 180 on her standpoint with Jon.

Idk, i just really liked her this season. She deserves all the hugs. So she gets a meme :)

Basira, on the other hand, fell a bit for me, but i think that was kind of the point. She was fierce and stony and nearly zero compassionate, – very Gertrude-ish of her –  but after everything that’s happened, i can't really blame her :/

Im just here praying to everything that the cop ladies can get a modicum of a happy ending

And just so I round up the gang, im scared for Melanie... She is now blind and also has (had?) a monster as a therapist. And Georgie doesn't feel fear which makes them even less likely to sense danger if it comes for them. I hope they're able to push through whatever season 5 throws at them

Okay. So only Jon is lef now. What can i say about him tho?? I mean, i can say he's been going through it.

Like, I spent my whole time hearing this podcast lowkey making fun of him for collecting beatdowns from pretty much every character - AND IT TURNS OUT IT WASN’T EXACTLY JOKING MATTER AND WAS ACTUALLY PLOT RELEVANT??

WHAT IS THIS SORCERY AND WHY IS IT MAKING ME FEEL BAD FOR VOICES ON MY PHONE??

I just feel so bad for Jon. The guy did not deserve all of this. He really was a lamb to the slaughter—a poor wet cat, an eternal damsel in distress, the Antichrist…?

That last statement from Elias/Jonah is so good tho. Like, objectively. I love it. Not only does it take the listener in a nice little trip down memory lane - nostalgia is always fun - but its also just. So evil.

They really gave us such a sweet start – Martin and Jon bunking together in a cabin in Scotland(?) seemingly happy and it's all "uwu, they sho cute, yada yada- and then BAM!! APOCALYPSE HAS BEGUN!"

(i could literally be here for hours coming up with titles for Jon. he makes it too easy.)

Elias though...... I was spoiled that he was Jonah Magnus halfway through season 2 or so, so the reveal wasn't a big deal for me. I wonder how shattering it was for listeners when it first dropped though... At least he upped his villainy cred this season. Suits him better than the "unbothered neutral/evil stand-by" vibe he gave before.

And one last character thing, I fell in love with Peter so quickly. His lines were all gold and his delivery even more so. He just had that unflappable vibe to him. Like he didnt have a care in the world.

Oh, and him and Elias totally had ex-wives who spent the last 10 years fighting about who gets what in the divorce energy.

No, i will not elaborate.

Uhhhhh yeah. I grew to appreciate Helen more and more every time they showed up. Simon Fairchild was surprisingly fun for an old man, Gerry deserved the freaking world (thank you so much Jon for burning that page) and i think that’s kinda it on my favorite “creatures and associates”

Im super excited for this last stretch. i wonder if TMA will stick the landing. I sure hope it does, and honestly trust it will.

Anywayyyyyy, off i go for those last 40 episodes. Wish me luck!

Finish testimony, or whatever

[manic-sapphic]

spop imgs!- except cursed w dumb lil commentary~

top one has sound and i'm sorry for making it ok - but obvi i'm lying cause i'm still letting it exist on the internet - so i guess more accurately, i'm sorry i'm not sorry? but hey, i'll pretend i'm gonna work on that tho ok<3

sometimes before u can even try to forgive - ya just gotta sucker punch em in the face with a running start and fists encased in thick af ice - & then the healing begins.

-- "duck?"

-- "ooh- where?"

scorpia, ily. never change .... but also- when tf has there ever been any indication this planet even be up in them ducks tho?

- maaaan scorpia, so kind - tryna spare seahawk's feelings- even when she was still always tryna toss e'ry lil rebel she could get her hands on left and right - whether from the deck of a boat, sendin ya plummeting toward some big fckin gnar propeller in its engine, or a scenic, snowy bridge over a huge, seemingly bottomless chasm - scorpia don't discriminate. she will gladly fling u like gravity don't exist in any & every direction- & let the chips fall where they may <3

but hey tho- she is way nice to seahawk fr - after this mf'er tricked this trusting lil scorpion sweetie in no princess left behind into believing he was "the inspector" & then tryna flirt w her when he reads he's boutta get caught - bad at vibes very on that one seahawk, but gee u certainly went for it. i guess good job? but more like- nice try- and then even more like- u tried.

- ok so, hypothetically - ur ex-bestie leads a surprise attack vs you & ur new rebel crew that seems like it's over and ya done lost tf out of it - but when it appears as tho the battle has wrapped up - bestie walks up like this- like she wanna be best bestie tho --- is it wrong to be pretty almost confident w/o a damn doubt- i could def find it in my heart to let go of the whole 'brawling-1-on-1-during-a-major-battle-between-our-warring-forces' thing? and fairly quick i bet-- like, idk ~2.5ish secs after my vision cleared well enough to see wanna be best bestie walkin over like she gonna be best bestie---

cause i dunno for sure if it's wrong or not - but i'ma go ahead and submit that it is not -- and just call any disagreements respected differences in philosophies aight.

"wait wait waitwait - time out -

...wtf is this..? tf just happened rn- oh shi, hold up- it's still happening--- wut the hell is going on--

srry - can we put a pause on me man-handling u for a quick sec? - i'll get right back on it asap -

but i think maybe i do got some sorta brain damage happenin fr this time cause def feels like something in my head just got broke tf out of & i have literally no clue what's going on w this feeling or tf to do about it -- omfg catra am i dying?? i'm so scared rn- oh, also i seem to have forgotten how to move -"

-tbh the best thing about this moment ^^ to me is the obvi af stark diff in she-ra's strength & catra's once adora's no longer in control- adora just whippin catra tf around & slamming her into the fckin frozen tundra- gurl just lived a fleeting second life as she-ra's fav lil stress toy - (a life that's cut short af ofc after she-ra's done playin w her bitty kitty body like the mf-er weighs less than air - and tosses her face-first into the ground & she goes down so hard - btch skips across the snow like all it was to she-ra was skippin a fckin stone on a lake)-

~sure, u can prowl around on my floor tryna check for intruders, anytime at all - keep me safe, cat gurl~~

ok yes- i def put this gif w the set i posted for white out, so this one's a repeat- but, i mean. can you blame me- & c'mon, are u even mad bout it?

tbh i'm just kinda hoping every time i send it out into cyber space, cyber space gets a lil gayer <3

ok that's enough/also too much from me~~

--byyeeeee (but prob not for long, let's be real) <3

[hinamie]

do u have any tips for uhh idk art term....highlight and contour but for art? specifically w digital art? w pencil and paper it feels super intuitive but then when i switch to digital it looks all flat.............

(is it shading? idk what im doing tbsh)

(also hope ur doing well i feel like im crawling into ur asks every two days or smth looking for art tips sorry T_T)

(yuuji comic made me cry so hard btw)

hi rin!!!!!!! that wld be shading/rendering yes hgbhgfjs there’s no One specific term tho so ur all good <3 also omg re: the yuuji comic IM SORRY I KEEP MAKING U CRY GHJKGJDSGHKJ its ok i made a lot of people cry if the death wishes/pos in the tags are anything 2 go by so ur in good company :D i teared up also

i would Also like to apologize in advance because fr me this is one of those Art Things that becomes more intuitive the more u do it so i am a bit. lost as 2 how to explain but i will sukuna voice ganbare ganbare !!!!

it’s all about light sources babes so pick a direction where the light is hitting from and use that as your main point of reference. If u need to remind yourself where the light is coming from i was taught to draw a lil arrow or sun somewhere on your canvas 2 keep track . areas closest to the light or planes that are more Elevated will be brighter than areas farther away or Deeper. When u think of a face, the forehead and cheeks rest Higher than fr example, the eye sockets, so those areas will catch more light and appear brighter. it /is/ kind of like makeup in that way. 

also, shadows/highlights can have soft or hard edges depending on how . uh . intense, i guess?? the angle of the light is. like with a box vs a sphere, the former will have a lot more Cut and Defined areas of darkness because the plane where light hits is cut off more directly by the presence of a corner, whereas with a sphere the Slope means that the values follow more of a gradient. 

tbh tho if you’re still starting out, to practice light sources and shading it actually might be good to scribble and shade some 3D shapes and spheres/boxes or maybe even draw from life so u can really take time 2 pay attn to how light catches different surfaces . it’s boring work but the practice is never wasted !! lighting can be tricky so try and take the time 2 form Good habits :'> references r ur friends here now more than ever.

other than that, which i feel more or less covers the basics n fundamentals, my wisdoms 2 u and any1 else who will have it: INVEST TIME IN2 FINDING GOOD BRUSHES omg i feel like a lot of that New Artist Look (tm) comes from using default brushes —which on its own is fine, but the kicker is not taking time to get comfortable with how to make the best use of them. the fun of the render is getting to play with textures and colours so find some brush settings that help add a bit of personality!! also . resist defaulting 2 the airbrush tool to shade it Rarely cooperates and can muddy a piece. uhhhh what else what else try not to shade with black for the same reasons ???? i'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here but i hope something here was of any value :'>>

[pumpkinsy0]

Can we get some more hcs for the post anon and you made about Soda and Curly being brought together but also pushed away by them helping pony (I hope you know what I'm talking about idk how to explain it 😭)

YEA I DO NO WORRIES I GOT THIS

•OK SO, to b clear, mainly what i mean by “brought together but also pushed away from each other bc of their relationship w pony” i mean that they both agree that pony needs help or something like that, they can just never agree on how

•to add on, they both have parts of their character that they can relate to when it comes to each other, theyre both middle children who r pretty much glossed over in the public eye and arent seen as 3 dimensional as their siblings and they COULD form a friendship generally speaking from that, but how they interact w pony throws each other way tf off (hope this made sense)

•when pony gets hurt, curly and soda kinda act the same way, for example, both go to their older brothers for help

•but the thing is, the other feels like the others brother wont help, curly feels like darry wont do jack shit and just lets it continue, soda feels like tim would just make things worse for pony bc that would make him a target

•they both quite literally have the equivalent of spidey senses when it comes to pony being in trouble

•idk how to summarize this one, but curly feels like soda babys pony way too much and soda feels like curly makes pony grow up too fast

•if pony rolls up to one of em w something he got from the other, they both have the same reaction and its like “why did he give u that, u shouldnt have that, get rid of it”, they KNOW the other is trying to help (at least to some degree) but honestly they see them as more of a nuisance

•ngl part of the reason y they dont agree on how to take care of pony is prolly bc they dont realize that pony acts like differently w em, or if they did, they feel like how pony acts around them is the “true” pony

•they wont say it but they do commend each other for fighting for pony or at least trying to protect pony, once soda patched curly up after fighting to protect pony, thats like the nicest they ever were to each other

•they both look out for pony during a rumble, chances r they wouldve tag teamed that soc that kicked pony in the head if curly was there, never wouldve brought it up that they did that ever again tho

•if they were in like a place where they gotta stay on high alert, they’d both agree that pony should stay behind them in case anything popped up, but they r lowkey just pushing pony to them, its lowkey a game of tug of war

[ask2pame]

regarding your rant on frances design: TELL ME ABOUT IT. tbh i think all the designs peaked with beautiful world, and everything after that was just...discount budget versions of whoever theyre supposed to be. the beautiful world designs are GORGEOUS on their own, but compared to world stars? theres no contest. some designs i do like, like england looks nice, if not a little too polished, and portugal is really cute, but everyone else just got twinkified and butchered. and i love a twink! i do! but they look like they could be swapped out with my little pony designs and it wouldnt make a difference. france to me will always be a blonde with a ponytail, a little unkempt, with chest hair and stubble and flamboyantly manly with a touch of tragedy. thats france to me. not whatever waif they cooked up in the more recent series

// ok ok i can't tell if u mean like ''oOOOh tell me about it' as a phrase or u actually are inviting me to tell you about it but i'm going to take it as permission to ramble <3 but im putting it under the cut so i dont spam

okok so UR SO RIGHT i think the new designs are so OFF... like it kinda lost the plot. the characters are all weirdly polished?

ok im just gonna run down the characters i have a lot of thoughts about CUZ my god

ENGLAND!!! its gotta be beautiful world

cuz the early seasons england gets his crankiness on point but this design fits just how cranky and posh(?) he is, like he dresses like an old man and wears outdated 'punk' fashion, he drinks tea like an old lady.. it fits hes cute and expressive.

this england isLOSING hair where did his EYEBROWS GO!!!! thats HIS WHOLE FUCKING CHARACTER but also i really dislike the change from him going from a dirty blond to a bleach blond... doesnt work...

i want my man to look like he has a nicotine addiction, rugged and smug as shit. i think they leaned too hard on the 'tsundere' trope for him cuz hes not puffy cheeks with pouty lips hes an old man with a laundry list of war crimes

-

ROMANO

ok. this one is a little hard cuz romano is good in ever season but he has these little minor changes that drive me CRAZY but my favorite will always be the earlier seasons

this ver of romano was a NASTY bitch he just showed up to be an asshole and i love it so much , i love his hair being dark brown with brown eyes ok , at the minimum his design fit his voice...

for beautiful world i think hes cute but i really don't ? like his eyes being green? like i dont know it just never felt right to me:( i like him having brown eyes

and later his design leans into the prev but when u look at him u don't see that one guy who REALLY doesn't wanna be here hes . too soft?

and the newer romano does have the bad attitude but now he's suffering from the 'progressively becoming a ginger' syndrome that a lot of hws characters have now

-

RUSSIA

my pick for him is all over the place bc i think his new design is SO FUCKING CUTE like i wanna bite him and crocodile death roll him but i think he is SUFFERING from cuteness.... hes so . soft?

earlier seasons of russia showed up just to say some morbid shit and be brutal as fuck but he could also lean into being cute, thats his whole gimmick, cute but scary. his current design is cute with no threat.

i think beautiful world had that balance between cute and scary, he was cute and say mean shit like before and was ready to throw down any time america showed up, thats his whole deal. and you know at the bare minimum he's supposed to be fucking BIG and world stars makes him look like a fucking twink

-

SPAIN

beautiful world was WORKING to make spain look good, he was ugly . he was boring. and then he walked in with a new tan and a warm hair color and the cutest smile (tho its hard to find pics of spain in these seasons cuz hes younger in a lot of them) and then it's just

what the hell happened here. i feel like im going insane but did his skin tone get ashy? like it looks more grey. and i know saying spain is 'tan' is generous but what the fuck happened. why did all his colors dull, why is his hair so . boring. where did the body mass go, where did the attitude go... world stars spain is very 'head empty' and not in a good way ....

-

CHINA

one of the most overlooked characters but i love him

i think my favorite ver of him is still his original cuz i preferred him with dark brown hair and dark brown eyes and he's side part... it was so cute... and they swapped it for a middle part .... </3

like he was so cute ;; plus i preferred him as this kinda irritable older know it all character, like he was groaning and huffing and did NOT want to be there. but then he kind of got? infantalized(?) i think they wanted him to be cute but idk if china is considered one of the ancient nations by its own rules, then can we tone down the :333 factor on him a bit

like just comparing but this might be me raise hands at hima for this characterization. what did you do to my boy

like do u see it. am i crazy

-

these bitches

these 4 just suffer from success in their OG and the beautiful world just made them way better (except i miss italy's darker hair </3) and then they just got handed bad animation in world stars

ok thats all i have time for rn BUT YEAH

[doveissummerstuck]

PAGE 1-10 ACT 1

we here chat

Ok this begins now,,,

The iconic a young man stands in his bedroom he really do be standing tho

but thats literally his name guys!!! and I got insulted,,, so sad literally cries

yeah ok pal,,, im still gonna call you zoosmell pooplord,, :/ anyways first character of the comic he's really silly guys look at that goofy smile bro is literally 8D

ok so first the room,, we sharin a bday ,, pretty cool next the fucking cake on the drawer..for what purpose john,, ok next the bed,, banger I love his sheets next the hot male above his bed,, smash /hj next the hammer and nails on the floor??? PICK THAT UP JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! chest go hard tho but why there a cake on it

yeah i can tell about the cakes,, I can tell johnny boy,, o em gee programmaer u nerd (i code for a living) I <3 paranormal lore yall,, and good for u as a magician but fuck dat have to do with the nails and on the floor and the cake on drawer,,,wait bars

i didnt even notice he didnt have his arms what (homestuck brainrot)

dumbass pooplord antics /lh

yea do that remove that oddly placed cake

WHY THE FUCK DID IT TURN BLUEBERRY ....

i would NOT do that ( i would absolutely do that) but I wouldn't put it on his bed,, I've eaten cake in bed to many crumbs :/

get yo arms my manz you you you armless

what the fuck,, WHY ARE YOU HOKDLING UR OWN ARMS,, also why the photo in the chest look like his dad

and they disapereadd with the captachalogeu

oh they fake ik that ( no I didnt) now get up to some silly antics my boy ,,, bruh is a captachaloguemaxxing syalldex sigma 😹 (sorry) anwyas look at the other items

first we got arms

next we got beans???

next we got ultimate silly antics disguise

a book titled Colonel Sasacare's Daunting text and Magicl Rivorioli and Practical Japripory

next we have a book titled wise guy

next we have a sword that looks like its made of white bamboo

a wizard hat that matches the chest

handcuffs

and more beans???????????????????

oh,, ik that tottally, :3 i mean i got most of them right ,, but tf is a beagle puss is that what its called,,, anyways

bro only got 4 lilttle logue thingies bruhh

isnt vernaclaur a vein or something what

yeah bro and u have 2 cakes pls put 2 AND 2 TOGETHER

this is finna be good!!!

ion think bro can equip it

knew he couldnt equpi it,, call me vriska cause I'm pyshcic (that joke made no sense sorry) ,, bro got the worst fecth modus every bro cant access shit,,, bros room finna be looking like he just got passed the blunt,, STACK DATA STRUTCTURE??? nerdy ass fetch modus bruh,, (I love the name) bro I find it puzzling and mildly irritating too bruh oml,,, "but with any hope" but with any hope.. but wwith any hope? but wvith any hope? but wvwith any hope?

sorry yrall ampora moment [the last 1 is my ampora oc guys :::::::;) ]

ok imma shut up now good night or good morning ,, imma contiunwe this later,,

[hyunsvngs]

Ik this is weird but how skz would react/help with your period I’m on mine and I need comfort so here 😞

mine is due in a week and i'm pmsing like CRAZZYYY so i know what u mean. not weird at all periods are natural <3333

channie - god he'd be so sweet. spoiling you, sm sm choccies to make you feel better <3 kisses everywhere, just one big hand rubbing on your tummy. chan has a younger sister sooo he knows what it's like :(( cutie era fr. if he had to work he'd take you to the studio, making u sit on his lap while he carried on kissing ur cheek inbetween work and rubbing over ur tummy !!

minho - i'm imagining minho's normally indifferent persona SHATTERING when you're in pain. he doesn't understand your pain, how could he!! he's never had one lmfao. he tucks you up in bed with a hot water bottle tho, getting soongie, doongi and dori to come and cuddle u til u feel better <3 god and imagine them all loafing on ur hot water bottle LMFAO that's so cute

changbin - another baby who has a sister and knows the pain!!! i imagine binnie would be SO dramatic lmfao you're not lifting a FINGER for the whole time. he's bringing you breakfast in bed, wrapping u in a lil blanket burrito. he'd love if you let him run out to grab you chocolates, sweets and pads/tampons too, making sure you're fully pampered omg :(

hyunjin - dramatic. SO dramatic. you're getting everything. sheet masks together, painkillers whenever you need. probs takes a whole day off schedules so he can watch films with you!! just looking after u always, has an entire drawer full of period stuff for u too, hot water bottles, extra blankets, painkillers, pads&tampons!! just an allover cutie

jisung - im ngl he probs thinks ur dying. he's heard about periods and he's distraught. they HURT?? U BLEED? nah. he's terrified. treats you like you're dying, one cramp and he's asking if he needs to phone the hospital. ur like no jisung it's not that deep. he's still shitting himself tho. shows u cute baby seal documentaries on his phone and tries to distract you from the pain when u let him know its REALLY not that serious.

felix - he's probably the most knowledgable <3 if you want to be left alone to lay in bed, he's doing it. if you want cuddles, he's doing it. he knows periods can give you mood swings so he's completely ready for anything you throw at him!! and if he bakes you extra brownies to make you feel better, who's to know!! not so much of a pamperer as much of an understander, just knows what you need and is ready to be there<3

seungmin - OK sue me but.. he's giving period sex. like oh u know what'd help with cramps? spread ur legs. IDK SEUNGMINS JUST RLLLY GIVING THIS VIBE. other than that though, definitely kisses ur tummy and sues u if u tell the others that he was affectionate to u on main.

jeongin - oh god poor baby he'd probably be terrified too. but i think he'd be so so smug when you went to him for cuddles, complaining your tummy hurts. he'd be all "aww, my baby needs me!" like yeah, innie, stfu!! he'd be so smug that you want him when you're feeling so poopy and low and he'd love to comfort u but would still be doing that stupid fucking smile.

[sleepy-vix]

journal/braindump 26/3/24

i hope life gets better soon. school is so miserable and weird and i just constantly feel like my physical shape is blurred and i'm but a a faceless entity drifting through the crowded and sweaty halls. when i speak to people it feels like i have to physically force myself to and i'm always so conscious of the fact that i would really love it if i were alone and not speaking to anybody at all.

i don't feel confident in myself and i feel like this year has passed by way too fast and i feel like just attempting to live feels like a bunch of cold sand is piled in my hands, and like sand does, it slips easily through my fingers and all i can do is watch. i feel so stupid and so naive all the damn time

for a while i had believed that everything would be okay, and then for a while after that i believed that i should kill myself. i'm okay now, i still feel very unsettled and it's like i'm not really me but i feel fine enough to function and i feel fine enough to live and wish to keep on living

i wish to keep on living

tomorrow i will wake up early and i will make myself coffee and i will sit down and read (i've had reading block for 2 days- which seems short but its annoying for me bc i really really want to read but i feel too restless and distracted to). i'll try to be nice to myself and protect my peace really hard and go on walks or something

i find that watching youtube videos where people just sit and talk, or rearrange their house and books, is really calming to me. i can't wait to just sit in front of the tv with a cup of matcha and a box of chocolates and just watching people talk, or watch all the movies ive been meaning to watch for sooo long

autumn is rolling around, and i'm infinitely greatful that it is because i always feel so inspired during this season. autumn makes me want to read, it makes me want to watch more films and eat more food and drink warm drinks that make me feel okay inside.

i also hope to pick up journalling again, but i'm not sure if i will because i don't have my own printer for images and idk what to journal but i have recently tried to just draw pictures- ive recently written journal pages on what i want to read, and also an "about me" page, and hand drew pictures. it's nice, but it doesn't give the same effect as full out journalling (with stickers, images, tape, etc... sigh.). i hope i journal more this holiday nonetheless.

i also hope to read without feeling so much pressure. i usually have no problem with reading whatever i want to read, as i like to think of myself as somebody who isnt easily influenced by other people's views (eg. if someone told me i have to read a certain book, i will consider it but i wont read it unless i want to) , but lately i've been thinking of all the books i want to read this holiday (for me i have autumn break in one week- and autumn break lasts for 2 weeks) and as u can imagine, it is very stressful bc ive somehow fallen into the mindset that i must read ALL of those books before next term or else.

fyi the books comprise of

- the complete collection of jane austen

- the complete collection of sherlock holmes

- the poppy war

- the iliad

- hamlet

- the metamorphosis

soo yeah... especially the first two points are stressing me out haha... im starting the poppy war now but im a little nervous bc ppl keep saying that its VERY gory??? and i usually dont care abt such things but lately my nerves and emotions have been such a wreck that i dont trust myself to read it in a calm manner

i'll try to break free of this toxic reader mindset tho! it would be nice if i could talk to people abt books, so it feels like im engaging with my hobby while not actually having to do the hobby, but nobody ik irl will want to talk abt books as i do

MAN i so badly want to rant abt booktok (ok actually i wont expand on this bc its a very sore point for me in the sense that i might get worked up over it and then feel shit afterwards for displaying sm emotion)

anywaysss next topic

ummm i get my maths result back on thursday and im so fucking scared bc i know i messed up bad for a few questions but im not sure if it was enough to drop me down to a b... idk i REALLY REALLY WANT AN A. like istg my whole self esteem for until the next exams roll around is goijg to be based off my maths result.. fuck im so emotionally immature its laughable

ummm also i have literature class tmr and i love lit class but we have to watch fucking "shes the man" and im sorry but i hate that movie so so much (ive never watched it before but we watched half of it last lesson and it was soo annoying). ughh why is my eng teacher making us watch this 😭😭

also my eng teacher is very blunt and therefore very interesting to talk to so ive been wanting to ask him abt books hes read lately but i CANT bc we have to watch thats tupid fucking movie and also he has to mark papers :( but also like hes the only intellectually stimulating person ik irl so what am i meant to do with all of my buzzing book thoughts ughh (rhetorical question. pls dont answer) :(

hmm what else is there to say

oh yeah last night i had a dream tjat i got a B+ for english and that was... it was like a nightmare im not even kidding. it was such a vivid dream too- everybody else got an A meanwhile i got a B+ (very close to an A) and i was just absolutely shocked and i desperately begged my teacher to give me some extra credit work so i can bump it up to an A-... yeah...

oh but also back to me wanting to have a better life- i think i'll take myself to the thrift more and go out with my friend (yes, singular. theres only one friend that i like hanging out with outside of school 💀) atleast once this holiday... thats what teen girls my age do, right??? haha...

also i want to watch ladybird and the perks of being a wallflower and rewatch little women and dead poets society !

i also might reread solitaire but aghh that makes me stressed out abt reading again... fuck. maybe i should just take a break from reading omfg

i cant wait to wake up early tomorrow and drink coffee though! :)

also i will make more spotify playlists (it makes me rlly happy to) and MAYBE even try cooking????????????? man idfk im desperate okay? feeling suicidal is not fun and i dont want to feel like that again this year. i cant afford thay bc im meant to be an academic weapon :( (lol who am i kidding? im more like an academic victim)

also maybe i will just text my friends more in general. it stresses me out and makes me feel icky but the other day, i had a nice and fun and lighthearted texting convo with one of my class friends and it made me realise that i should probably text people more ...

lol

anyways i think thats all? i think ive gotten everything off my chest for now. i liked doing this actually. maybe i'll do it more often idk 💀💀

hope u guys have a good day 🙏 i dont actually expect anyone to read this but if you did, i hope you have a good day TIMES TWO!

no refunds :}

[traumasurvivors]

hi!! i wanted to say i super appeciate this blog, whenever my brain gets scary one of the first things i do is scroll thru ur blog to help myself calm down, tysm for all u do!!!!

also, i wanted to ask if you had any advice or anything about something ive noticed i struggle with alot, but its super ok if u dont respond !! um!! i struggle with sex repulsion alot, and sometimes it gets to the point that i start panicking over the concept of like,, ghosts or molecules or other unseen things being Icky to me,, if thst makes sense?? like i have the struggle of feeling dirty, but also the fear that everything around me is also dirty and out to get me,,, do u know any ways to calm that scary feeling? i havent found any posts online talk about this issue before so i feel a little silly and weird, hopefully that makes sense (tho thats also bc im not sure what to search up to find it,,!)

I'm really glad my blog can be helpful to you!

I'm sorry, but I don't have any advice for that specific struggle, but when panicking, I really, really recommend having some grounding techniques in your pocket to use. Grounding exercises can be great for triggers, anxiety, panic attacks and sometimes just in general to center yourself. Practice some grounding techniques when you aren't panicking so that they are easier to recall. Here are some grounding exercises, but there are so many more! I always suggest people try the 54321 as one of the first ones to try if possible!

Also, if any followers have any resources for anon, please feel free to share them! It would be very appreciated.

I don't think you're silly or weird for this by the way. You are definitely not alone in this. I'm sorry it's hard to find any resources for this, but it doesn't mean you're weird for experiencing this.