#Do hashtags actually work here?
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YO I’M CARNIVOX! 🌈🖍 I’m a character designer and illustrator!
Follow for my gay art and creative character designs!! SHOP: here PATREON: here Intsa: here Toyhouse: here Twitter: here ALSO PREORDERS FOR THE BLANKET MANTA ARE OPEN! Pre-order the Blanket Manta Ray Plush here!
#Do hashtags actually work here?#I’m finally home#character design#character art#furryadoptable#furry art#furryadopt#anthroadopt#plush#plushies#furry oc
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Was the dogfish really that terrible? Giving them a huge place with no rent like that? I think Pinocchio was too dramatic honestly.
#Do hashtags actually work here?#I just like writing them#I should watch the new movie#dimension 20#Gay#myths#underwater#whatsapp#Whats your favorite kind of breakfast food#Kinda thinking of trying wooden children tbh#i hope this reaches the right audience#shitpost#tumblrpost#merfolk#siren#gay#mermaid
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my xfohv/bfb gijinkas :D this is also my first post in here hi!!!
#bfb#bfdi#bfdia#xfohv#object shows#tpot#two bfb#one bfb#five bfb#how do hashtags work in here#bfb four#bfb x#bfb fanart#these drawings are actually a bit old#but ill post them anyways
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finding out ur coworker is way older than you thought and having to very quickly reorient how you talk to them
#art#traditional art#watercolour#fanart#synthv#synthesizer v#genbu#kasane teto#rikka is also here :) i think she likes to cause problems sometimes. because all the adults in her life are dweebs#and very easy to cause problems with <3#anyone else have this happen before. im older than a lot of my university peers and i always have been#because i took 5 years in highschool and my undergrad has been like 6 years and counting#(hashtag learning disability <3 ) and like thats chill to me i dont mind#but now i usually assume everyones way younger than me and i get shocked when theyre not. a buddy in some of my classes#when i first met her i absolutely and completely assumed she was like barely 19 and talked to her as such#like i dont talk down to people or anything but i do soften the way i talk a bit and give a bit extra patience with younger peers#cause yknow. i remember what it was like being 19. being 26 is WAY easier lol so i wanna give em a bit of leeway yknow#anyway a few months after meeting her i found out she was actually a year older than me and a grad student when she ended up as a TA in#another class i took. i felt so bad. we bonded tho and she didnt mind she thought it was kinda funny when i was like WAIT UR A GRAD STUDENT#i thought she was like a first or second year undergrad..............#also yeah im a 31yo teto fan. i dont mind the popular fanon that she has a separate age that makes her actually 15 and#i dont mind that more interpretations have her like that BUT for my internal canon she is a grown ass woman because i think its fun <3#she pays taxes. she goes to work parties. she can rent a car. i love it#let teto rent a car. let her rent a car.#yknow im exicted to be 31. i still got a few more years of being a 20 something which is fun. but being a 30 something sounds like it rules
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tumblr said draw something bad so I did but I'm mad I still didn't feel anything
#man i started tagging this and i cant even bring myself to do it. hashtag art hashtag illustration hashtag capitalism.#sorry to be sadposting... tumblr is the only place i can admit ive actually been really really struggling with my love for art...#i should be grateful. i should be thankful for the fact that i can do art as my job. i shouldnt be whining about it like this.#but theres a hole in my soul where my joy for creating used to be and i dont know how to fix it. i want to love to draw again.#its been like this for probably over a year now and i dont know what to do. i cant abandon everything ive been working on for 7 years.#im also unemployable. so its not like i would dare to quit moonlume...but i just want to find joy in it again...#but capitalism has dug its wretched claws into my skull so badly that everything has been feeling incredibly soulless. i hate it.#anyway. might delete this later. its unprofessional but this is the one website where i can let go of professionalism for 5min and be human.#i dont hate what i do and i really am thankful..i just i wish i wasnt so stressed about making everything look good and perfect and sellable#but at this point its subconsciously connected to my survival that every time i think about drawing i stress myself out before i even start#ugh idk. neither here nor there. cant quit but dont feel connected to my work but cant change what i do or i will alienate my audience 👍
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if scars don't make man look good then being alive sure does
#mafia 2#henry tomasino#frank vinci#there's going to be a lot of text in hashtags here so first of all:#i gave up at things like “they wouldn't do/say that” at this point#ooc and “what if” are more interestning and entertaining for me sorry mafia fandom#i like to spin the plot and characters like a rubik's cube#so stopping w rat!henry and continue with survived!henry who's true purpose was to became the head of falcone family#so the drug thing was just a way to frame falcone and get vinci to the point where he decided to do away with falcone#because of the increased drug traffic#henry always struck me as the most conservative of the (relatively) young mobsters#so i guess he wouldn't have gone on about the drugs and gotten vinci's sympathy because of it#yet henry didn't expect an attack from the triads and the fact that he survived only reinforced his religiosity#now he wears a rosary and prays more often than he used to#<- i'm actually too lazy to think about the details of how it might work so whatever#and I know the mafia chief's photo wasn't on the wall#but it's more symbolism about the change of power and prioritizing religiosity over personality#i just think he could be a good leader + there's a lot about his pride here#and tbh i just wanted to see him with the scars but my brain can't do anything without a plot#and sunglasses instead of an eye patch#and yeah my brain refuses to believe that he was just overconfident and really believed that there would be no repercussions ->#for selling drugs under the nose of falcone who clearly wanted to become a monopoly in this field#also i don't really care that much about henry surviving tbh#i mean his death fits the story well because it's after all a mob story (no matter was he a rat or not)#(i'm being a bit of a hypocrite here bc i refuse to believe that joe is dead)#“survive and take power” version is just interestning for me#but if i put aside all of this ooc#naah he was too pathetic to do this fr#k im too lazy to write anything further#thank you for coming to my ted talk
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nichelle ladonna. biggest caleb hater of all time. queen of side eye. she's what the culture feelin
#it's the fact i can make 17 seconds of a diss track work in their favor. here's how worsties can always win even with minimal content#this took twenty minutes of my life hashtag make sure to do things that make you happy#no main tag actually if this reaches you it was meant to be i guess#also it's ugly made because i'm not an editor. i'm just a person who likes worsties content#this was self care while being stuck at work. make sure to prioritize yourself first my friends <3
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On this day, in 1964, the Animals performed "House of the Rising Sun" and "I'm Crying" on The Ed Sullivan Show - their first American television appearance!! 🌅🐾✨️
Thought it would be fun to make a glittery, celebratory piece for this special day! Alan certainly likes it... he likes anything that glitters, after all 👀✨️
(Glitter effects under the cut!)
#FINALLY. THIS POSTED. for some reason the other screenshot i was trying to use from the ed sullivan clip kept corrupting my posts 😔#aNYWAY. AAAAAAA I LOVE HOW THIS TURNED OUT!!!!!!#spontaneous idea while i was at the craft store#i already knew i was going to cut them all out but i wasn't sure of the type of paper until.......... glitter#IT LOOKS LIKE A SPOTLIGHT AAAA!!!!!#the art was a lot of fun to draw at well aaaAAAA got to render a lot of metal and experiment a lot#YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE JOHN'S DRUMSET. HASHTAG WIN.#already beginning to work on my next animals-versary piece bUT i am definitely basking in the beauty of this one#I FRAMED IT. THEY ARE GOING ON MY WALL. WITH MY OTHER ANIMALS STUFF.#their performance here is just so... aaaaaaaaa........#alan's keyboard solo... ALAN'S KEYBOARD SOLO... THANK YOU FOR LETTING HIM DO IT ERIC#the animals#eric burdon#alan price#hilton valentine#chas chandler#john steel#british invasion#classic rock#60s rock#classic rock fanart#the animals fanart#the ed sullivan show#ed sullivan#1964#worried life arts
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inspired by @colap1nto <3 and posting here to hold myself accountable: writevember! attempting to write something every day no matter how much and what it is
i am however inventing stipulations for myself so i cannot weasel my way out of it, which includes a valid definition of “write”:
actively put words into a document in the form of a proper fic!!! too many wip not enough hands!!
poems (actually laughed at me coming up with this but maybe i will go back to my roots)
research/meta/primers
tag stories are permissible IF i actually compile and edit them into a readable document that day
editing to post to ao3 (the optimism) is also valid. it takes me so long
i do have concrete arbitrary deadlines for one and a half fics that i would LOVE to finish and post in november (dewey^2 and [redacted :)]) so i’m hoping this helps!! also, this is secretly just a sticker chart where i get to put down emojis for each fic i worked on and check off boxes but a win is a win
day 1: 🪻🐈⬛
day 2: 😇🤭 (🕒 -> 🕜)
day 3: 🫃2️⃣
day 4: 🍎
day 5: 🫃2️⃣
day 6: 📑, 💌
day 7: 🫃2️⃣ AND ☁️💧. who is she
day 8: 🪻🐈⬛
day 9: 🫃2️⃣
day 10: 🫃2️⃣
day 11: 🫃2️⃣ we are on a STREAK and also a countdown 🫡
day 12: 🫃2️⃣
day 13: 🫃2️⃣
day 14: 📬��
day 15: 😇🤭 (🕒 -> 🕜)
day 16: 🫃2️⃣
day 17: 🔴 ⚫️,🫃2️⃣
day 18:🪻🐈⬛
day 19: 🪻🐈⬛, 😇🤭 (🕒 -> 🕜)
day 20:🫃2️⃣
day 21: 🫃2️⃣, 🤫 🪽🃏
day 22: 🫃2️⃣
day 23: 💯❕
day 24: 🪢
day 25: 🐛🏮🦋
#liv in the replies#guys are you proud of me. i put everything I would normally yap into the tags in the actual post. hashtag growth#i say continuing to yap into the tags. I don’t want to be pessimistic but I AM scared this is occurring during my monthly bout of#productivity and I will face the doldrums and absolute inability to write in 2-4 days lol#also everyone says this next systems course is GARBAGE and terrible and super hard which. okay 💗 yay 💗#I should’ve put “reply to ao3 comments’ as a valid form of writing because the comment box terrifies me but it’s FINE#if you have ever commented on my fic I love you with every unspeakable fiber of my being and there is one comment I feel so guilty about#but it’s because every time I think about it I need to go jump around in circles I can’t fangirl too hard I also cannot find the WORDS#like even typing this out i’m like. anxious butterfly but it’s because I have so much love in my heart#also i am codifying the emojis to fics for Me sorry because I think it’s fun and i’m being secretive for literally no reason.#everyone tell me to get off of here and work on an actual fic. after I have my nik-induced/enabled 2353 breakdown#we hit day five and yes I DID forcibly make myself not work on a completely different fic. i wannnntttt to finishhhhh 🫃^2 2️⃣ so badddd#& this is not a game of ‘work on a different wip every day’ even if i could feasibly do that🫡 good news is i rlly think 3 -> 1 1/2 is done?#update 11/10 (technically 11/11 but it’s fine this is how it normally works) if i write like an unhinged person which is to say at all#bc i have midterms but also really like an unhinged person i MIGHT be able to adhere to my self-imposed deadline for 🫃2️⃣. god bless me#at 1:30AM yesterday having an absolute breakthrough with a line that has been in some variation in so many different fics including mine
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Sometimes I just look at Isabeau and just know that if isat came out and I got into it when I was like 16 he would be my favorite character and I would've gone absolutely buck wild over this man and feel like he was laser targeting me. But alas Odile has a grip of steel on me rn due to her virtue of being a middle aged woman
#rat rambles#stars posting#I feel like the biggest change in my taste in characters as the years have gone by is Im now far more biased towards old ppl lol#although tbf I was also the one person in 2016 who actually liked asgore so maybe Ive always liked parhetic old ppl#but yeah the reason isa is past me bait is because hes an exploration and subversion of the sort of tropes I Hated as a kid#and I still dont like them so isa still appeals to me its just not as much as he would have to a younger me#I do genuinely love all the party very dearly tho theyre all soooo good#I think my favorite part of isabeau is how like. of everyone we get to see the least facets of him but like in a very good way#this is a man who hides and bottles shit hes so fun to rotate#his self image is so carefully controlled compared to everyone else which makes him an incredibly interesting character to analyze#and I love that despite him seeming like the most emotionally stable person here on the surface he still clearly has like. hashtag issues.#like he's in that beautiful zone where its so so fun imagining what it would look like to truly break him#<- normal things that normal ppl say. like me.#I may have my very light beef with alt looping aus as a concept but hes probably the most interesting alternate looper to me#also my light beef exclusively relates to king quest stuff which is why Im a big fan of duo looper aus with sif#but honestly. isa might be the only one that I genuinely think works better as a solo looper even with taking king quest into account#although bonnie comes close. I <3 looper bonnie I <3 seeing fictional children go through the horrors#I think theres a lot of fun to be had with any alt looper au tho I just am a huge king quest fan so I like it when my favorite elements of#it dont have to be handwaved#but yeah the real question is how would younger me feel about mirabelle#because on the one hand: acearo character#but on the other hand: I have always been a little hater abt romance so idk if younger me would rly be able to follow her character well#I wasnt exactly good at character analysis back then lol#except for the instances in which I was but I dont have that sort of faith in my younger self#yknow Im thinking abt my history of favorite characters now and I think me being one of few 2016 alphys enjoyers might have been a prophecy#she was my quote unquote third favorite but in reality she was second#I think she chara and peridot su teamed up to define my taste in fictional characters for the next several years#and somehow that lead to olivia becoming one of my favorite fictional characters of all time#I say somehow as if that isnt a very natural conclusion
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at work in an empty office with nothing urgent to do. how i wish i could be watching 911 right now
#i’d never actually do that here#i’m trying super hard to be hashtag professional#the curse of working in higher education and being the same age as your students when your coworkers are old enough to be your parents#but ugh i wish i was at home rn#michelle rambles
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curled up in the least comfortable office chair on the planet trying to con my brain and body into speaking with one another
sending untrained mental carrier pigeons but they're getting lost and causing nerve pain instead idk
#why am i so tired why do my hands hurt so bad why is it so cold and still so noisy in here#weeehhhhhh#i think something is actually wrong with me because i can Not wake up#i havent been falling asleep at work but once im asleep? no wakey#i have slept eleven+ hours four days in a row#and i am still so. so fucking tired.#hashtag chronic illness or something idk#i have zero interest in a fibro diagnosis but every year i have to be like yeah. probably.#there's enough other bullshit goin on in here man#might also just be another facet of diabetes i haven't parsed yet cause my reactions to things have been v different in the last year#exhausting.#can my blood sugar stop tanking also#related#that's probably why im so tired tbh.#not drinking enough water either but even filtered it's making me really nauseous again#could we just. be normal for a minute goddamn.
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haven't reread this or edited it. idc. it's cute. enjoy.
word count: 3k
warnings: child abuse (rich's whole situation with his dad---it's not bad, and it's only mentioned in one paragraph, but it's there enough that it's worth mentioning)
Jake was standing in the center of the crowded hallway leaning heavily on his cane. Freshmen and seniors alike twisted and stumbled out of the way as they rushed down to lunch. His feet were shoulder width apart and his chin held high, much like a rock in the center of a rushing river.
Rich was hyper-aware of Jake from the second he slipped out of pre-calc, his attention (much like everyone else’s) immediately drawn to him. Tall. Confident. He stood like he belonged to the extent those who had to dodge out of his way were convinced they were the ones in the wrong, not him.
“And they say Christine’s dramatic,” Rich greeted. He sidestepped out of the current of students into the safety of Jake’s shadow. Jake’s gaze flickered from somewhere in the distance down to Rich and immediately his expression morphed from one of deep concentration to rosy excitement. Then, as if realizing himself, Jake pressed his lips together and snuffed out his happiness like a flame (not the first fire Jake had put out, both metaphorically and literally).
“We need to talk,” he said simply, tone barren and controlled. Rich masked the instinctive panic that promptly flooded the room at those words behind an amused quirked eyebrow.
“Intense opening line,” he commented, “8/10. Delivery could’ve been better.”
Jake’s purposeful intensity faltered just long enough for him to duck his head to hide his summertime smile. Rich, despite already sorting through all the worst-case scenarios—death, hatred, squips and secrets—did a small, mental fist pump. Having the newfound freedom to think his own thoughts without anyone there to criticize him besides his own subconscious meant spending an increasing amount of time dedicating himself to seeing Jake smile, watching him laugh, and feeling no shame at the way life seemed to return to every previously colorless corner of the room, the way his heart so hard he was convinced it was a destructive force rather than a romantic one.
“Shut up, I’m being serious.”
It’d been a minute, at least, and the halls were slowly emptying out of bystanders. Rich shifted back slightly, now free to be farther away from Jake without being trampled. Self-preservation kept him from creeping closer even as he shivered at the cold that slithered into the room at Jake’s distance.
Rich tried to keep his voice from trembling as he got out, “Okay, then. Talk to me.”
Jake shook his head and Rich frowned.
Rich felt dread, yes. Though it couldn’t have been past noon, a bluish-black dusk almost the same color as a bruise was swimming in his vision and dragging its sharp nails over every inch of exposed skin. Rich was restless in his desperation to get as far from this conversation as possible, a feeling so overwhelming he had to consciously talk himself down from an anxiety attack.
But where Rich’s anxiety manifested itself in his fidgeting fingers and tapping foot—something that wasn’t out of the ordinary for him, even a relatively calm Rich was a jittery Rich—Jake looked like he’d just watched tragedy strike an entire nation.
“Not here,” he muttered, so quiet Rich was convinced he didn’t want him to hear. “…Library? Or—”
“Library works,” Rich smiled, “We can watch horny freshmen make out in the back while we… break up? Platonically? I don’t know what you’re planning on.”
Jake didn’t seem to find Rich’s facetiousness amusing. He looked down at his shoes, seemingly deeply entertained by the intricacies of his poorly tied laces.
“Perfect,” he whispered, his voice taking on a customer-service tone he adopted when he knew his natural voice would be on the verge of breaking. Rich couldn’t even find it in him to summon another shitty joke.
Jake led Rich to the library briskly, ignoring the cafeteria completely while Rich cast a longing glance back at his lunch table, where all his friends were laughing without a care in the world.
Jake was facing straight ahead and a step ahead of Rich—his face was out of view, but Rich could hear the faint sound of him reciting a speech to himself, rehearsing whatever he was going to say to Rich in a moment. Rich strained to hear every—any—word, but all he got were empty shells of sorry and we can fix it.
“Okay,” Jake said as he pulled out Rich’s chair and sat across from him, his cane leaning against the table. They were sat in the back of the library by a window. Jake dropped his backpack on the ground next to him and unzipped it, pulling out a binder Rich had never seen before. Strange, considering Rich had sat through every pre-test, stress-induced haze while Jake paced the living room, reciting definitions from flashcards and making Rich read aloud passages from binders that only slightly resembled the one on the table between them.
Rich let out a tiny sigh of relief that he hoped wasn’t noticeable. So it was just a test or presentation—something important enough to Jake’s final grade that he was freaking out enough that he’d totally missed the mini-mental breakdown he’d caused Rich.
Jake took a deep breath. Rich leaned back, prepared and patient to listen as Jake first apologized for bothering him, then made Rich quickly skim the source material before quizzing him on every possible question or logic fallacy that would most surely never show up on a test intended for high schoolers. Rich wasn’t bothered when Jake’s expression changed from nervous to one of pure determination and cynical analysis—he was well accustomed to this version of Jake, one who compartmentalized until all the dark and scary feelings were just files to be sorted rather than genuine emotions to be processed. He’d get through it eventually, but only after he’d solved whatever problem he was facing.
“Physics?” Rich guessed. Jake looked up from his papers, barely aware of what Rich had said, his focus completely and utterly on the task at hand.
“What?”
“Physics? Is that what we’re studying?”
Another moment of awkward silence before Jake finally seemed to understand.
“Oh,” he said, “No. No, worse. Here.”
He passed Rich a paper—a timeline, starting December 3rd. Rich didn’t get the chance to read a single word before Jake shoved another paper into his hand, this one a calendar for this month—April. Then a list. A picture. A color-coded set of notes. A survey? Rich scrambled to organize himself as Jake shoved yet another paper into his hand, this one a printed-out, annotated article from one sketchy health website or another.
“Do you want a chance to review the material before I start, or can I just jump right in?”
Rich looked up helplessly from the April calendar and squeaked, “Huh?”
Jake studied him for a moment, gaze a stormy mix of expectancy and determination. Then, having come to a conclusion Rich wasn’t privy to, he said, “We’re going to start on page one.”
Rich blinked at him.
“Timeline,” Jake clarified, “The first paper I handed to you.”
Rich struggled through the pile of papers until he pulled the timeline out. He displayed it to Jake proudly only to be met with a nervous smile that quickly faded into a grimace.
“Alright,” Jake said, his voice quivering in a similar fashion to a guitar string—musically, beautifully. He clenched his paper to the point it crinkled. “As you can see, it starts December 3rd, the day I first visited you in the hospital, and ends yesterday.”
Rich’s eyes flit from the beginning to the end of the timeline to confirm Jake’s words. He nodded, unsure as to why Jake’s tidbit about the hospital was necessary.
“So upon first contact post-fire, we ignored the topic of the fire and simply discussed the play and Jeremy, correct?”
“Uh, yeah?”
“Good. And you didn’t apologize until the 8th, the next date marked on the timeline.”
Rich found the 8th, labeled ‘THE APOLOGY’ in all caps. Rich searched the words for a hidden meaning, praying it’d also be the birthday of some American president or treaty signing.
“I was, at first, resistant, but by the 11th I had come to forgive you. I visited again and we discussed possible steps forward.”
Unsurprisingly, the 11th was the next marked date. Rich swallowed a confused sob.
“Yeah, I know,” Rich said, the words tumbling out of his throat like his body was trying to purge him of a poison, “What the fuck?”
Jake continued without so much as looking up.
“On the 20th, you were released from the hospital. You, your brother, and I all spent Christmas at my apartment—purchased before the timeline began—over the 25th and into the 26th. Does that sound right to you?”
“Yes. Still kind of dark times, though, so if we could skip to—”
“You moved in on January 5th.”
Rich’s memory of that day lived serenely in the back of his mind to be summoned with perfect clarity whenever he felt unworthy or scared. It had been impulsive and dangerous—Rich had called Jake in the middle of the night, bruised and scared and exhausted. He’d come home from a six-hour shift on the verge of collapse, his burns itching and screaming, the lingering memory of the squip spouting deprecations at the way he winced with every step. He was unlucky enough to find his father still conscious in the living room, anger emanating off of him in waves of violence that manifested in thrown dishes and kicked over trashcans because where the fuck have you been?! You think you have any right to parade around with your rich friends while your family is stuck here?! You should’ve been—
The list was long. You should’ve been cleaning the dishes, making dinner, doing the laundry. He made it worse by crying.
He stayed kneeling in the kitchen long after his father passed out on the couch and, with shaking hands, because he didn’t want to cry anymore—he really, really didn’t want to cry—he called Jake.
Jake offered every cliche affirmation and more. You’re enough, you’re more than enough, I love you, you deserve better, you’re beautiful, you’re smart, I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you.
All the while, Jake was texting Michael. He still had his casts on—he couldn’t drive, and Michael told Rich later that he’d never seen someone manage to sound so panicked over text.
Less than twenty minutes later, Michael had snuck in the window. He cleaned the broken dishes, set the trashcan upright, and picked Rich up off the floor and dragged him kicking and screaming out of his father’s house.
“No, no, no, I can’t leave, he needs me, he needs me—”
Upon collapsing into Jake’s arms ten minutes later, Rich realized he needed to be loved a lot more than his dad needed him. He didn't go back.
“Yeah,” Rich breathed, “I remember.”
“January 15th: The first incident happens.”
“Incident?” Rich asked blankly, his mind still replaying the car ride from his father’s to Jake’s house.
“Yes. Any urges to kiss you or—or more, will be referred to using the term ‘incident,’ whereas more innocent urges—possibly wanting to go out on a date, or hold your hand, things along those lines—will be referred to using ‘episodes.’”
“Mhm,” Rich confirmed mindlessly. Jake’s words drifted up and around him much water falling off his face and body rather than sinking into his skin. It took Jake’s heavy gaze—staring expectantly, his lips parted, forming questions Rich couldn’t hear.
Wait. What?
“Go back,” Rich rushed out, back straightening. Hope hadn’t sunk in yet—he wasn’t quite there. Only confusion. “What the hell?”
Jake nodded once. He’d been expecting this reaction.
“Beginning January 7th, I developed a crush on you.”
Instead of turning to Jake, Rich turned to the papers for confirmation. He scoured the timeline for the words crush or love. All he got were incident #4 (#7, #9, #54, #78) and episode #7 (#15, #29, #156).
Shaky, he rushed to the next paper. A list of twenty entitled Modes for Moving On. The article from Healthline or Web MD: Psychologists Estimate Crushes become a True Love After Four Months.
“I’m sorry,” Jake whispered, his voice so simply scared Rich was convinced he must be hiding from a monster under the bed or the boogyman—a childish fear. “I didn’t mean to.”
“You—” Rich started. He distantly heard Jake make a strangled sound but was too lost in flashes of the past three and a half months. Jake, flinching away when Rich got too close—Rich blaming it on the fire. Jake going out with three different girls in a week with no sign of stopping until Brooke slapped him and told him to stop playing with people’s feelings. The way he’d listened to Brooke but had been staring at Rich the whole time, his shoulders hunched over as he tried to curl in on himself.
“I… I don’t understand,” Rich whispered, though of course, by now, understanding was settling in his spine and gripping his nervous system like it was the only thing tethering him to reality. Jake liked him. Jake liked him.
“I’m trying to fix it. That’s the point. The article—”
Jake was in such a blind rush to show Rich that he practically fell from his chair, kicking it back with a ferocity as he stood and winced, his legs unprepared for the sudden weight on them.
“Fuck—the article, four months, right? And—” he hastily re-situated his chair and stumbled over to Rich, his hands clumsily shuffling through the papers until he managed to shove the Healthline/Web MD article in Rich’s face.
“See! Four months! I’ve still got two weeks, right? I’m not in love with you. I’ve got—I’ve got a plan. I looked up a bunch of stuff on the internet on how to move on, and it all told me to like, avoid you and stuff, but I can’t do that, so instead I’m ‘loving myself’ and ‘working through lingering feelings’—just a bunch of weird self-care stuff, but I’m fucking desperate, I’ll—”
He straightened suddenly, struck with the realization he’d just been so close to the source of all his problems. His expression singed and pride marred, he backed up a step, posture erect and his faked smile tight. He shook out his hands and turned to the sky for a quick moment. When he finally spoke again, it was in the same presenter’s tone he’d been offering since the beginning. In control; calm. His acting was worse than it had been in the play. Rich could hear every bit of panic running under his tone.
“Following the ten-step plan outlined on page seven, these feelings should be resolved by the 13th, with two days of cushion time in case one or two steps are thwarted or interfered with. I thought it right to make you aware of, of my intentions. I do think it would be best if I—”
Rich did the only thing he could think of to stop Jake from talking. He threw the nearest highlighter at Jake’s face.
For a moment afterward, there was only silence. Jake’s eyes were crossed to try and see where he’d been hit, right below the nose, and Rich was so mortified by his own unfounded actions to even begin to apologize.
“…You could’ve just said you don’t feel the same,” Jake finally murmured. He looked like he was physically fighting melancholia from his face and trying to stuff it into one of his file cabinets. He failed, and he had to turn away so Rich couldn’t see. He appeared to be blinking back tears.
“Oh my god, you are so fucking dramatic.”
Jake pouted. Rich laughed delightedly and got up to take Jake’s hands in his own. Jake stayed staring at the floor.
“Next time, just tell me how you’re feeling, yeah? Would’ve saved a lot of trees.”
Jake sniffled.
“I like you," Rich grinned, "If you somehow missed that. For a lot more than four months, too.”
Finally, Jake looked at Rich, his expression open and hopeful, a smile comparable to everything springtime and flowery blooming on his face.
“Really?” he whispered.
“Yes, really.”
“Oh. Oh my god.”
“Yeah.”
Unable to stop himself any longer, Rich got up on his tippy toes, smiling softly, in an attempt to kiss Jake for the first time. His crush liked him back—
Jake jerked away, eyes wide and mortified.
“Oh my god.”
“What?”
“Oh my god, that was so fucking embarrassing. Oh my god. I literally told you when I fell in love with you. Oh my god. We’re not even dating.”
Rich tried to suppress his smile—just for Jake’s dignity—but a small laugh escaped him before he could stop himself. Jake’s face went from a rosy red to the color of wine. Rich wanted to kiss it off him.
“No, stop it," Jake said, "don’t say anything. This didn’t happen. Oh my god. Get out! Now!”
“What?” Rich said, his amusement so complete in essence he was sure Jake could feel it like a slap across the face, “Why?”
“Because!!!” Jake screeched, “I need to destroy all the evidence! Then I’m just going to ask you out like a normal person, Jesus fuck. No. I’m just going to ask Chloe to kill me. She’ll be glad to. Goodbye.”
Jake spun back to the table and, without organizing them in the slightest (something so un-Jake-like Rich seriously considered the possibility that this whole thing had been orchestrated by a clone), shoved the papers back into his backpack, uncaring that half of them were ripped or crinkled. When he turned back to Rich, it was like nothing had ever happened. He looked like he had that morning: happy in a Jake way. Almost like a golden retriever, ready to do whatever necessary to make the people around him smile. In control. Suave and nonchalant; a flirt.
Jake conjured a look of confusion onto his face.
“Dude, what the fuck, you didn’t tell me you were French.”
“What?! Dude—” Rich giggled into his hand, so delighted by the entire affair he couldn’t even really be confused by Jake’s sudden assumption that Rich was French, of all things, “—I’m not fucking French.”
“Really?” He squinted at Rich, “Because I could’ve sworn Eiffel for you.”
He flashed Rich a grin and a peace sign before swooping down like he was going to kiss Rich. He stopped last second, less than an inch away, and carefully cupped Rich’s jaw. Rich watched as the confident exterior Jake had managed to summon last second slipped into a pure, childish excitement. His breath caught for a moment, so utterly elated at the idea that he was this close to kissing Rich—
Rich tried to close the gap. Jake’s fingers dug into Rich’s jaw, something that could’ve quite possibly been considered violent had it come from anyone else, but Jake seemed so set on making sure Rich wasn’t hurt that the show of strength came off as affectionate rather than scary. Rich frowned.
“When you tell people how we got together,” Jake seethed. Though his humor had darkened into a bad boy character that suspiciously resembled the love interest of a romance movie he and Jake had watched together a week ago, it was offset by the fact Rich had seen the utter awe on his face a moment earlier. “You tell them about this, yeah? That—” with his free hand, he motioned vaguely to the table behind them. “—that never happened. I fed you a nice pickup line and you liked it. Understood?”
“Perfectly,” Rich said, his voice so quiet and seductive Jake was forced to pull away before he did something he’d regret.
Then, the second they arrived at their lunch table, “Jenna motherfucking Rolan, you will not believe what just happened—”
#jake dillinger#rich goranski#bmc#be more chill musical#richjake#romanceeee#sparkly star fanfic#it's like. so cute i'm not even judging it like i usually judge my writing#that right there? i'm sharing it for the concept#idc if it reads horribly it's ADORABLE#and something jake would do idc what u say#this reminds me actually one day i plan on drawing richjake fanart and posting it#and it's gonna be SO SO BAD#but i'm going to say i spent forever on it and worked so hard so any of my friends here are forced to pretend they like it#even tho it prolly took like two minutes#i'll do it on april first too#hashtag u got pranked bitch
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i'm taking the jlpt this sunday and had a stress dream last night abt it bc it sort of snuck up on me and now it's kind of a question of how much my actual japanese abilities will carry me (versus if i should've been cramming on flashcards this past month) but the listening portion is far simpler conversation than my coworkers and i have so. i think that maybe instead of "damn i should've been studying japanese" my perspective should just be "i speak japanese"
#a key part of the dream though was that i failed because i went on a motorcycle joyride during the 40 minute break and didn't make it back#in time for the listening section. the prompt for the listening section btw was to write an essay in english about kirishima eijirou#so i was like damn i would've totally passed#anyway hashtag classic maya but idk#i think i have a bit of a complex abt it bc i was studying for n1 (highest level) in college#but w the switch to online learning we stopped studying the stuff i really needed to work on (vocab and kanji)#and whatever kanji i knew how to write went out the window bc i never had to turn in written homework again#so i really let myself go there for a good two years but since moving last summer i've not only been having japanese conversations every da#i've also actually been studying kanji in my downtime at work#so i have picked up most of the study guide-type information just really slowly over time#i read a ton of manga in japanese lately and most shows on netflix here don't have eng subtitles but i'm fine without them 95% of the time#with the genre of shows i watch at least#so i've been thinking a lot lately abt what my end goal is w japanese studies because 'be able to consume all the art i want' feels like#a good place to be#i do think in the end the only thing between me and n1 is a lot of genuine hard work studying vocab and kanji and reading serious articles#so i feel like all 'sekkaku da shi' i've made it this far why would i just stop working at this point#those are just my thoughts though aaaa i know reading/vocab/grammar section is way more hit or miss#personal
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thinking about all the women whose orbits i've had to remove myself from bc they meant too much to me while i meant too little to them
#i don't talk abt this particular feeling much bc i'm not entirely convinced it's a value-neutral sort of incompatibility—#i tend to feel it's an indication of my own fundamental warping‚ that i get greedy and codependent and desperate and can't just be chill#and that it probably has something to do with the fucked-up codependent relationship model i was raised with#but it really is just like. from the high school friendship i had to drop even though i was besotted (flavor undefined) with her#bc i couldn't handle being Just One of Many Hangers-On‚ even though she said she valued and cared abt me#to the metamour i adored (flavor undefined) who supposedly valued and cared abt me too‚ but‚ like‚ not enough#to the ex-moot who remade who i really mournfully decided i couldn't re-follow bc i couldn't stop pedestalizing her#out of all proportion with the actual intimacy of our actual interactions…#idk. just feels like. very much a Recurrent Pattern for me and not a great one!#(and like. obviously the easy read here is that it was unrequited love every time; and who knows‚ maybe it was—#but it's never been obvious to me what the exact flavor of the thing was‚ just that it was sweet and tangy until eventually it stung)#anyway. i would say 'idk what even got me onto this' but actually i know exactly what got me onto this#which was: reading fic where half the pairing was aro#and like. in the fic it worked for them‚ and like‚ in life it's so often been so close to working for me!#but then the black hole of Undefined Sad Yearning inevitably starts to gape#anyway. hashtag nightblogging ig‚ lol#feelingsblogging#past lives#the psyche#(eta thinking abt it more this has also sometimes happened with trans ppl of various non-woman stripes#but in those instances i *have* just mentally filed the dynamic under (failed/abortive) romance+‚ i think#honestly very possible that's where every instance of it belongs and it's just that i don't know how to be in love with women.#like i don't identify as not-attracted-to-women‚ i'm definitely attracted to women—#'sometimes‚' i started to say‚ but like. i'm attracted to women at the same rate i'm attracted to people of other genders‚ really—#but like. societal queerphobia really does a number on you.#like. not that playing the woman's part in the cishet relationship-escalator model appeals or makes any sense for me either#but at least it's‚ idk‚ something to kick off from??#whereas with women it's just like. a ladder into mysterious fog. how do. where go.#insane to me that i'm this old and yet this is still where i am with this. god.)
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Telesforo NO-
It drives me mad why they keep the locket so much ;-; that they made Juli a dang servant (that the family/Tatang Selo does not want to do)
This is also the chapter of: Juliana Slander and well... Why are they arresting Tatang Selo?
Since i cannot understand much.... Simoun selling at Tales' den is well... just why?
This is just... foolish. Unless he is framed.
MY FRIEND I AM SO SORRY FOR ANSWERING SO LATE OMG ;-; just went through a busy month as i am about to graduate in my current year and had no time to pop back in here huhu but i've gathered my 2 brain cells now except whatever i wrote here isn't coherent at all
also first off the fact that this chapter is called merry christmas...u wanna beat up rizal w/me
aaaaaa i was screaming at simoun the entire damn chapter!! injustice really drives people to achieve justice and/or retribution in ways they see fit, and to achieve it with fury and vengeance is what simoun wanted to happen for all filipinos which is so fookin dumb like !! YOU BETTER STOP. and to think i had classmates before who cheered him on for exploiting the unprivileged and the oppressed like this bc "haha the indios' rebellion go brrr" but shits on activists and people who hold leftist political ideologies now by red-tagging them,,,, wild. like look around!! see what state we are in right now for people to be desparate enough to rebel and oppose the clowns, murderers, and the thieves in power. WILD.
juli's servitude still makes my heart hurt even now too :( it's just all so fucking cruel for all of them involved. selo just loves her granddaughter so much it breaks his heart enough to want death over seeing juli suffer being a servant instead of being the rich maiden, comfortable and well, that he had envisioned and wanted her to be…juli just loves her father so much that she tried all the plans and ideas she was offered just to earn money…juli just also loves basilio so much that she thinks she wouldn't be good enough for him but is at least comforted by the thought that she didn't sell the locket that he gave her as a sign of her loyalty….crying in the club rn. i understand why it's so frustrating at a logical standpoint tho because selling the locket would really really help them & basilio would give 0 fucks about the locket as long as juli and her family would be safe and well arrghhh I FEEL SO FRUSTRATED OVER IT AS WELL
juli slander INDEED literally she deserves so much better!! I WILL FIGHT ALL THE FUCKING FRIARS FOR HER
(another thing: do you think rizal forgot about sinang being really close friends with maria in the noli LMAOO bc the way he wrote sinang in this chapter has me raising eyebrows like sir. she was mc's cousin & bestie. we know it's been 13 years but come on…)
and they were supposed to arrest tales, as tales did commit murder but since he wasn't to be found they arrested tatang selo. (also Tales wasn't framed :( he intentionally left a trace behind because, well, vengeance. it's a sign and a threat to the authorities. :') )
i literally do not think there was any law out there at that time that states that they'd arrest another family member if the one who committed a crime wasn't present?? i mean i know like it was a colonization thing and the filipinos were heavily, heavily oppressed but i was thinking about if there were still any laws involved in this that i don't know about. does this make sense.
though granted the only thing we learned at school about laws in the spanish colonization era was the polo y servicio & nothing else, and to dive into the criminal laws in the Philippines in the 1800s at 12 AM is very tempting but i can't because i don't have the brain cells for it. i'm so sorry 😭 but even if that was validated by the law - which grants executions anyway?? actually??? and the system was GREATLY unjust and unfair towards Filipinos??? why is this mind-boggling sorry i'm very stupid HGSHGSHGAH - that was still unjust, tyrannic bullshit. and i wanna fucking fight simoun for being delighted at all literally fuck him
ANYWAY 😭 Simoun sold jewels there because that was the disguise he took on when he arrived in the country - he's a rich jeweler dude who tagged along to the Philippines because he's the Captain-General's closest friend (and the one who influences him to do bad shit, like what he details in ch7), now he's just. frolicking around. selling his stupid jewels when he knows most filipinos literally cannot afford his trinkets. a taunting figure of wealth and power just fucking shit up in the background
#DE DIOS FAMILY + BASILIO MY ABSOLUTE BELOVEDS !!! they deserved so much better :((#sorry for the little rants my brain is scattered this is what research does to me /j#but i miss screaming in here sm!! also gonna try to reread the books again this school break hsghgdjgdgaj i'm a lil rough in the fili now..#and omg it was peepaw rizal's birthday a day ago now too ^^ this bitch's soul really dragged me back in here#but now i'm having an existential crisis over criminal laws back then in the philippines...i wanna study it now#but it's also a headscratcher because do laws even apply for the filipinos. actually. especially to the poor??#i think they weren't granted easy access to the courts?? but to what extent??#how do courts work back then again actually. literally what. how.#was there even a system at work legally or are the filipinos just getting fucked over casually by the friars and authorities.#hashtag grabbing lands typical villar monday#hashtag murdering kids at tinola thursday#sorry this is so dumb of me HGGSHSGJAHGS#i need the DEETS though#why did the education system fail me like this i'm literally about to cry i want to know more about this#asks
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